CU Amiga Super CD-ROM 19/CU Amiga Magazine's Super CD-ROM 19 (1998)(EMAP Images)(GB)[!][issue 1998-02].iso/CUCD/Readers/fortunes/COOKIES.TXT

Text File | 1997-11-10 | 13MB | 362,201 lines

"Swans sing before they die - 'twere no bad thing if certain persons die before they sing."

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
%%
"I can resist everything except temptation."

- Oscar Wilde.
%%
"Politicians are interested in people, not that this is always a virtue.
Dogs are interested in fleas."

- P J O'Rourke. US writer
%%
"When the President does it, that means it is not illegal"

- Richard Nixon. Former US president.
%%
 On this day 26.10.96
 1863 - The English Football Association was formed at a meeting at Freeman's Tavern in Great
        Queen Street, London.
%%
"Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever - but would rather not"
%%
 On this day 21.10.96
 1965 - The Beatles went to Buckingham Palace to be presented with their MBEs.
%%
 On this day 21.10.96
 1950 - The rebuilt chamber of the House of Commons was opened by King George VI having been
        destroyed by a bomb in 1941.
%%
 On this day 21.10.96
 1929 - London buses were painted red.
%%
 On this day 21.10.96
 1918 - The Spanish flu epidemic gegan in Britain, eventually killing almost twice as many
        as died in WW1.
%%
"Nothing is ever accomplished by a committee unless it is composed of three people, one
of whom happens to be ill and another absent."

- H. Van Loon.
%%
"Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret."

- Benjamin Disraeli.
%%
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's grissle, Don't grumble, give a whistle.
And this'll help things turn out for the best, And...
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life
If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing. And...
Always look on the bright side of life, come on!
Always look on the right side of life
For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin, Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, So...
Always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it.
Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go,
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
%%
"The man who says it cannot be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it."

- Elbert Hubbard.
%%
 On this day 21.10.96
 1966 - Disaster hit the mining village of Aberfan, Wales, when a slag tip engulfed houses, a farm
        and a school killing 144 people - 116 were children.
%%
"There are two things for which animals are to be envied: they know nothing of the future
evils nor of what people say about them."

- Voltaire
%%
"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead"

- Chinese proverb.
%%
"In examinations, the foolish ask questions that the wise cannot answer."

- Oscar Wilde. The Chameleon, 1894.
%%
 On this day 18.10.96
 1922 - The BBC was officially formed.
%%
"Bullies exist because there are cowards."

- Mahatma Gandhi.
%%
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism, the reverse is true."

 Polish Proverb.
%%
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is
this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master
pressed control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the
Amiga ROM Kernel Manual.
-- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva.
%%
 On this day 2.9.96
 1666 - The Great fire of London began in Pudding Lane. It ended on September 6 at Pye Corner
        when it rained.
%%
 On this day 22.8.96
 1933 - BBC TV showed its first boxing match.
%%
 On this day 22.8.96
 1642 - The Civil war in England began, between the supporters of Charles I and of Parliament,
        when the King raised his standard at Nottingham.
%%
"Success is a journey, not a destination."
%%
 On this day 19.8.96
 1991 - Hard-liners toppled Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev in a dramatic coup.
%%
 On this day 16.10.96
 1958 - Blue Peter started on BBC TV. The presenters were Leila Williams
        and Christopher Trace.
%%
 On this day 6.8.96
 1945 - The first nuclear bomb was dropped on Hiroshima in Japan at the end of WW2.
%%
 On this day 10.7.96
 1962 - Telstar 1, the world's first TV telecommunications satellite was launched in the US.
%%
"A man who lives only to benefit himself, confers on the world a benefit when he dies."

- Tertullian.
%%
 On this day 18.8.96
 1964 - South Africa was banned from the Olympics because of Apartheid.
%%
 On this day 18.8.96
 1977 - Elvis Presley was buried in Memphis, Tennessee.
%%
 On this day 18.8.96
 1960 - The Pill was launched in the US.
%%
"Good taste is better than bad taste, but bad taste is better than no taste."

- Arnold Bennett.
%%
 On this day 2.7.96
 1956 - Elvis Presley recorded "Hound Dog" and "Don't Be Cruel".
%%
"A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent."
 - William Blake.
%%
"The best prize of all is knowing that winning is not always a victory, and losing is not always
a defeat."
 - Joe E Dunne.
%%
"When people suddenly become prosperous, they also become preposterous."
 - Laurence J. Peter.
%%
"The best knots are tied without rope."
 - Lao-Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher.
%%
Friends don't let friends use MS-DOS.
%%
If speed kills, then Windows users may live forever.
%%
VirusScan: MS Windows found.  Delete? (Y/y)
%%
I admit it, I tried MS-DOS, but I didn't inhale.
%%
Seen on an Apple Mac.

 "An unexpected error occurred, because an error occured."
%%
If at first you don't succeed, create an "NT" version.
%%
MicroSoft tech support: "Remove all useful utilities from your system..."
%%
00AD1203BC0F0000FFFFFFFFFFFF
interrupt in _get_space. Illegal Character.
Aborting _police_alert.....
Attempting reboot.....
Warning: Illegal shmop at _count_cash.
Warning: Command Buffer NOT CLEARED
Reboot Complete. Execution Continuing.
Withdrawing: 4294967297 Au.
Warning: Arithmetic Overflow in _withdraw
Yo mama. Core dumped.
%%
                        ---
                       (0 0)   Kilroy was here
----------------------W--U--W------------------------------
%%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
%%
!074 lhadmA na edisni deppart m'I  !pleH
%%
:0: Numeric zero, as opposed to the letter `O' (the 15th letter of
   the English alphabet).  In their unmodified forms they look a lot
   alike, and various kluges invented to make them visually distinct
   have compounded the confusion.  If your zero is center-dotted and
   letter-O is not, or if letter-O looks almost rectangular but zero
   looks more like an American football stood on end (or the reverse),
   you're probably looking at a modern character display (though the
   dotted zero seems to have originated as an option on IBM 3270
   controllers).  If your zero is slashed but letter-O is not, you're
   probably looking at an old-style ASCII graphic set descended from
   the default typewheel on the venerable ASR-33 Teletype
   (Scandinavians, for whom slashed-O is a letter, curse this
   arrangement).  If letter-O has a slash across it and the zero does
   not, your display is tuned for a very old convention used at IBM
   and a few other early mainframe makers (Scandinavians curse
   *this* arrangement even more, because it means two of their
   letters collide).  Some Burroughs/Unisys equipment displays a zero
   with a *reversed* slash.  And yet another convention common on
   early line printers left zero unornamented but added a tail or hook
   to the letter-O so that it resembled an inverted Q or cursive
   capital letter-O.  Are we sufficiently confused yet?
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
%%
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

ad infinitum...
%%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time
it will be worth absolutely nothing.
 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%%
100 ton hammers are highly accessible.
 -- Japanese Animation Rule #91
%%
101-ism:
 The tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all
aspects of life using half-understood pop psychology as a tool.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
 -- Japanese Cookbook
%%
10. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
10) "Foundation and Eggplant" by Isaac Asimov: The next step along the
way to establishing a galactic utopian society in Asimov's future
history. The Second Foundation uses a recipe for eggplant parmisian
that has been preserved for millenia by the robots of Earth for use
against the Gaeans.
%%

 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
 9.   "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day... Think about it."
 8.  "HONK if you've slept with commander Riker!"
 7.  "Guns don't kill people... Class 2 phasers do!"
 6.  "Zero to warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
 5.  "CAUTION... We have a trigger happy klingon at tactical."
 4.  "If you can read this... Don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
 3.  "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
 2.  "We brake for cubes!"
 1.  "Wesley on board!"
 -- Top Ten BumperStickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise
%%
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
%%
$10  Whatta you want $8 for? You know how much $6 is. Ok. Here's $4. (Gives son
$2 and asks for $1 change).
 -- Jewish Father
%%
10. Whenever you speak, you say "say" in front of all your sentences.
 9. You attempt to "goto /room/dorm/Shaw/east/156" to get home.
 8. You kill furry little squirrels and houseflies, thinking it'll make
    you bigger.
 7. You forget to respond to your real given name, but if someone says
    "Hey Ayeser!" you turn your head.
 6. You tell your girlfriend that you are busy, when in fact you are just
    getting hot and heavy with your mud wife.
 5. You look at yourself and wonder that since you are skinny and weak,
    but have the brainpower of three of your peers put together, if you
    aren't really descended from elves.
 4. You sit down to take a test and think "wield pencil".
 3. You get dressed in the morning and think "wear shirt", "wear socks",
    "wear underwear", etc.
 2. You walk around campus muttering "north, west, west, north..."
 1. You skip class to play these G@!% D@#$% F%* @!#$ THINGS!
 -- Top Ten ways to tell you MUD too much
%%
10 years ago I was so ignorant, I didn't even know who the
Prime Minister of America was.
%%
10 years old is a good age to get stuck at.
%%
113 grams, 10 milliliters ... He's lead, Jim.
%%
...115,000 acres of trees in the state park system is
a lot to look at.   How long can you look?
 -- Ronald Reagan, Sacramento Bee, 4/28/66
%%
1 + 1 = ?  Ask my calculator.
%%
11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
%%
1200 bps used to seem so fast.
%%
:120 reset: /wuhn-twen'tee ree'set/ [from 120 volts, U.S. wall
   voltage] n. To cycle power on a machine in order to reset or unjam
   it.  Compare {Big Red Switch}, {power cycle}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
 A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
 plus three times the square root of four,
 divided by seven,
 plus five times eleven,
 equals nine squared and not a bit more.
%%
1-2-3-4 kick the lawsuits out the door
5-6-7-8 innovate don't litigate
9-A-B-C interfaces should be free
D-E-F-O look and feel has got to go!
%%
12. I have seen the truth... and it makes absolutely no sense.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
13. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
14. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
14. Wipe thine ass with what is written and grin like a ninny at what is
Spoken. Take thine refuge with thine wine in the Nothing behind Everything,
as you hurry along the Path.
 -- THE PURPLE SAGE, HBT; The Book of Predictions, Chap. 19
%%
15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
15c of every stamp is for storage.
%%
16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
16-inch rotary debugger:
     A highly effective tool for locating problems
     in computer software.  Available for delivery in most major
     metropolitan areas.  Anchovies contribute to poor coding style.
 -- Amiga ROM Kernal Manual  (Glossary)
%%
1701
E0000h Optional ROM bad Checksum = 47h
%%
1776 - 1984
There Is No Middle Ground
 -- a button from the Libertarian Party
%%
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
the law!
%%
17. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law.
%%
186,282 miles per second: It's not the law, just a challenge.
%%
18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
"1935 will go down in history!  For the first time, a civilized nation has
 full gun registration!  Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient
 and the world will follow our lead into the future!"
 -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)
%%
1948: A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell.
%%
1955-1975: 36 Elvis movies.  1975-1989: nothing.
 -- Tom Neff
%%
1960's:
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10.  His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price.  What is his profit?
 -- from: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
%%
1970's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.  His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8.  What is his profit?
 -- from: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
%%
1970's (New Math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money.  The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1.  Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.

The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
 -- from: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
%%
1980's:
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.  His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2.  Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
 -- from: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
%%
1980, Sarah, if you want to get off.
 -- Dr. Tom Baker, PYRAMIDS OF MARS
%%
1984 has past, forget about Big Brother. Welcome to the 90's where the
    government's your mother!
 -- Scatterbrain
%%
1990's:
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos.  Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
 -- from: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
%%
1993 makes 1978 look like 1983.
%%
19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
(1)  A backscratcher will always find new itches.
(2)  Time accelerates.
(3)  The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
 -- Gomme's Laws
%%
1) A chocolate covered mouse.
2) A computer without a keyboard.
3) No bug report at all.
 -- Things more useful than an undocumented bug report
%%
1. After designing a routine to go around a bug, the system will
be revised and the bug removed, leaving you with a useless
routine.
2. Efforts in improving a computers user friendliness often ends
up improving ones computer literacy
3. "Thats not a bug!  Thats a FEATURE!"
 -- Thoreau's Theories on Adaption
%%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
%%
1.  Always hire a rich attorney
2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
 -- Goldenstern's Rules
%%
1. Always state motions in as complex a fashion as humanly possible.
2. Allow 3 minutes to count the ayes, and one second the noes.
 -- Robert's Rules of Order for Bureaucrats
%%
1. An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.
2. Officials make work for each other.
 -- Parkinson's Axiom
%%
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the
    weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
    English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
    in English.
 -- Laws of Computer Programming
 -- SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
%%
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
 -- Spencer's Laws of Data
%%
        (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
   (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
      on.
       (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
        intersection.
 -- Rules for driving in New York
%%
(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the
next thing you do will be wrong.
(2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the
bathroom door you're on.
 -- Zall's Laws
%%
1 - A robot may not injure a human being, or,
through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2 - A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings
except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3 - A robot must protect its own existence as long as
such protection does not conflict with the First or
Second Law.
 -- The Three Laws of Robotics
 -- Isaac Asimov," Handbook of Robotics, 56th Edition, 2058
%%
1:   A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2:   An inclined plane is a slope up.
3:   A slow pup is a lazy dog.

QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
%%
1) A strong belief is more important than a few facts.
2) The stronger the belief, the fewer the facts.
3) The fewer the facts, the more people killed.
 -- Milton Rothman
%%
1. Avoid fried foods, which angry up the blood.
2. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society. The social
 ramble ain't restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
1 bulls, 3 cows
%%
1 Clo. Argal, he that is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life.
2 Clo. But is this law?
1 Clo. Ay, marry, is 't; crowner's quest law.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
 1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
 2. The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who
    attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and
    on a broader front.
 3. Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
    to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they
    are used.
 4. The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system
    are the key to understanding the type of errors which they
    cannot handle.
 5. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
    detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
 6. All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise -
    which is impossible.
 7. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
    probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some
    useful work done.
 -- Gilb's Laws of Reliability
 -- Tom Gilb
%%
1. Deny the last established truth on the list
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the list.
 -- Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Research
%%
   1. Encourage conformity.
   2. Don't take chances.
   3. Discourage innovation.
   4. Be satisfied with mediocrity.
 -- Laws of Contentment
%%
       (1) Everything depends.
       (2) Nothing is always.
        (3) Everything is sometimes.
 -- Langsam's Laws
%%
(1)  Everything has some value-if you use the right currency.
 (2)  Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
(3)  Search and ye shall find-but make sure it was lost.
 -- Ritchie's Rule
%%
1) Face forward. 2) Fold hands in front. 3) Do not make eye contact.
4) Watch the numbers. 5) Don't talk to anyone you don't know.
6) Stop talking with anyone you do know when anyone you don't know
enters the elevator. 7) Avoid brushing bodies.
 -- Elevator Rules
 -- Psychologist Layne Longfellow
%%
1. Fact is solidified opinion.
2. Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
3. Truth is elastic.
 -- Dunlap's Laws of Physics
%%
1. Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
talent.
2. Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
experience.
 -- Loftus' Theory on Personnel Recruitment
%%
1. Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.
2. A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.
 -- Livingston's Laws of Fat
Two fat people will walk side by side, whether they know
each other or not.
 -- Corollary
%%
1. Find a niche that allows you to pursue a personal passion.
2. Test your idea to make sure you've identified a market, not just a need.
3. Say goodbye to family and friends--you won't see much of them for two or
 three years.
4. Dive in, be prepared to fail, be prepared to succeed, be willing to
 change course.
5. Consider learning a real craft, or getting a real job.
 -- Eric Utne
%%
<%>{ 1 fish, <%>{ 2 fish, <%>{ red fish, <%>{ blue fish
%%
1. Given any problem containing 'n' equations, there will
always be 'n+1' unknowns.
2. An object or bit of information most needed will be the
least available
3. Once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there
will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to
everyone else.
4. Badness comes in waves.
 -- The Snafu Equations
%%
 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
     of pregnancy.
 (2) Always be backlit.
 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
 -- Alden's Laws
%%
     (1)  HIDE!!!!
 (2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
 -- Rules for Academic Deans
 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
%%
 1:  Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
 2:  (Background:)  What are you doing?
 1:  I'm recording an answering machine message.
 2:  But we're here right now.
 1:  But we might not be here later.
 2:  Oh.  (To phone:)  Leave a message.
 -- Answering machine madness - family fun
%%
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
 -- Bennett's Laws of Horticulture
%%
 1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
 2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
 3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.  I couldn't
    actually reach it.
 4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
 5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove
    that it converged.
 6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
 7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in
    and ate it.
 8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square root of negative one or
    i is the square root of negative one.
 9. I took time out to snack a doughnut and a cup of coffee.  I spent
    the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but
    this morning I couldn't find it.
 -- TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK
%%
 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
 If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came
 first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
 -- Achilles' Biological Findings
%%
1. If a programmer's modification of an existing program
works, it's probably not what the users want.
2. Users don't know what they really want, but they know for
certain what they don't want.
 -- Manubay's Laws for Programmers
%%
1. If a student asks for a second time if you have read his
book report, he did not read the book.
2. If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam
will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is
optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you have
never seen before.
 -- Rominger's Rules for Teachers
%%
1] If at all possible, don't.  Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and execute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler.  This won't fix the
bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
 -- How to debug a "C" program.
%%
(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
 -- Three Rules of Immutability
%%
1) If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will
   malfunction.
2) Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the
   most harmful error be discovered.
3) Job control instructions that positively cannot be arranged in improper
   order will be.
4) Interchangeable tapes won't.
5) If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, a co-op will
   discover a method to get bad data past it.
6) Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
 -- Troutmans's programming postulates
%%
1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
4. If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
5. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
 -- Handy Guide to Modern Science
%%
 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
 -- Arnold's Laws of Documentation
%%
 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
 2. If you drink a diet soda and a candy bar, these two items will
    automatically cancel each other out.
 3. Calories don't count if you eat with someone and you both eat the same
    amount of the same thing.
 4. Food which is consumed for medicinal purposes only does not count. This
    includes potatoes, doughnuts, cakes, chocolates and most forms of
    liquor.
 5. If everyone around you gets a little fatter, you will automatically seem
    to appear thinner.
 -- Rules for Diet
%%
 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
 -- Velilind's Laws of Experimentation
%%
(1) If someone says he will do something without fail, he won't.
(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
 -- Ozman's Laws
%%
1. If the work has to be finished today, the part will roll to the most
inaccessible part of the room.
2. If it is heavy, it will hit your toe first.
3. You will then find the part by standing on it and destroying it.
4. If the lost part is be the last one then it will be 6 o'clock and the
shops are shut til Monday.
%%
  (1)   If what you're doing is working, keep doing it.
  (2)   If what you're doing is not working, stop doing it.
  (3)   If you don't know what to do, don't do anything.
  (4)   Above all, never let a surgeon get hold of your patient.
 -- Loeb's Laws of Medicine
%%
1. If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the
tool to get it off.
2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it
back-ordered.
3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first
place.
 -- Cambpell's Laws of Automotive Repair
%%
1/ If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked.
 -- Abbott's Law
%%
1. If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as
it is no longer accessible.
 -- Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership
%%
   1. If you're early, it'll be cancelled.
   2. If you bust your buns to be on time, you'll have to wait.
   3. If you are not on time, it'll be too late.
 -- Luftenberg's Punctuality Observations
%%
1. If you're running for a short queue, it suddenly becomes
a long queue.
2. When you're waiting in a long queue, the people behind
you are shunted to a new, short queue.
3. If you step out of a short queue for a second, it becomes
a long queue.
4. If you're in a short queue, the people in front let in
their friends and relatives and make it a long queue.
5. A short queue outside a building becomes a long queue
inside.
6. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a queue.
 -- Vile's Laws of Advanced Queuemanship
%%
1) If you take off your right-hand glove in
very cold weather, the key will be in
your left-hand pocket.
2) Any system that works perfectly will
be revised.
 -- Quigley's Laws
%%
 (1) I love you.
 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
 (4) The check is in the mail.
 (5) I was just going to call you.
 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
 -- The greatest lies of all time
%%

 1.   "I'm down here"
 2.  "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
 3.  "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
 4.  "I can get you off the naughty list"
 5.  "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
 6.  "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
 7.  "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at
      Keebler"
 8.  "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
 9.  "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
 10. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
 -- Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
%%
(1) I'm just not an emotional kind of guy.
(2) If I show some emotion, that's just the way I am.
(3) I'm not too good at the emotional side.
(4) We Bushes cry easily.
(5) If occasionally I do go up in smoke, it doesn't relate
    to this line of work.
 -- President George Bush on five separate occasions
%%
1.  In a hierarchy, individuals tent to rise to their level of incompetence.
2.  The cream rises until it sours.
3.  For every job that exists in the world, there is someone,
somewhere, who can't do it.  Given enough promotions, that
incompetent will get the job.
4.  All useful work is done by individuals who haven't yet reached
their level of incompetence.
 -- The Peter Principles
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
(1)  In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
(2)  Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
(3)  Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
 -- Bierman's Laws of Contracts
%%
    1. In any rule set, there are always missing rules.
    2. The missing rules are the ones you need.
    3. If all the rules you need seem to be there, refer to rule #4.
 -- JALB's Metarules
%%
 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
1.  In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
2.  If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be
engaged in making an inferior one.
 -- Laws of Serendipity
%%
   1. It is too early to predict what the program will cost.
   2. It is too far down the road to do anything about it.
 -- Law of Government Cost Overruns
%%

1) It's a lot more work than it looks.
2) You can't bluff your way through it.
3) You don't want to have to look at the manual in the middle of it.
4) A bad 50 minutes can send you into therapy.
5) You don't realize how little you know about it until you've actually
   done it once.
 -- Why Teaching is like Having Sex
%%
1) It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide.
 -- from Mad magazine, sometime in the 1960s
%%
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
%%
      (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
  (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
       stamps you as being wise.
 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
         others.
   (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
  (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
      popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
 -- Committee Rules
 -- Harry Chapman
%%
(1) Never be first.
(2) Never be last.
(3) Never volunteer for anything
 -- Lackland's Laws
%%
1. Never draw what you can copy.
2. Never copy what you can trace.
3. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
 -- Wallace Wood's Rule of Drawing
%%
 (1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
 (2)  Never leave the table hungry.
 (3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
 (4)  Enjoy your food.
 (5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
 (6)  Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
      accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
 (7)  Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
      for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
      Which feels better against your cheeks?
 (8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
 (9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
      can always eat it later.
 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
 (11) Avoid blue food.
 -- RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
%%
1) Never tell everything at once.
 -- Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life
%%
1) Never try anything with tomatoes in it.
2) Never try anything bigger than your head.
3) Never, NEVER try anything that looks like vomit.
(It is said that Kerr broke all three rules by discovering pizza.)
 -- Kerr's Three Rules for Trying New Foods
%%
1. No matter what they're telling you, it's not the truth.
2. No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.
 -- Todd's Political Principles
%%

1: No shotgun ever runs out of ammunition.  (Related law:  Shotgun barrels
  can be reversed on the fly so that the user takes the blast full in the
  face.)

2: Supplies of sticks of dynamite and "bowling-ball" bombs are unlimited.

3: Baseball bats and other large bludgeons can be carried concealed in
  one's hip pocket.  (Corollary:  All cartoon characters have hip pockets
  whether they have clothes or not.)

4: Major implements of destruction -- steamrollers, tanks, and cannons --
  can be produced on demand from out of nowhere.
 -- The Laws of Cartoon Physics
%%
 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
 attracted to dark objects.
 -- Slick's Three Laws of the Universe
%%
 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
 remind them of someone else.
 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
 yourself in person.
 -- Arthur's Laws of Love
%%
   1. People who make things happen,
   2. People who watch things happen,
   3. People who don't know what happened.
 -- Peter's Principal Types
%%
  1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
  1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
 -- Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility
 -- R Buckminster Fuller
%%
1) Reach between legs
2) Grasp firmly
3) Pull
 Ejection Seat Instructions
 From the cockpit of a WWII US fighter...
%%
 1) Read the incantation. 2) Escape.
 -- Rules for Escape From Cthulhu
%%
(1)  Some people who can, shouldn't.
(2)  Some people who should, won't.
(3)  Some people who shouldn't, will.
(4)  Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
(5)  Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
 -- People's Action Rules
%%
1. Stores that sell volume one will not know of volume two.
2. Stores that sell volume two will be out of volume one.
 -- Riley's Law of Sequels
%%
1st we shoot all the lawyers, 2nd we strangle them, 3rd..
%%
1) Take an old record album cover.
2) Fill the insides with shaving cream.
3) Place it halfway under a locked door to the victim's office, home,
   room, etc. with the open end inside the room.
4) Jump on it.
%%
(1) The boss is always right.
(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
 -- Rules
%%
  1)  The check is in the mail
  2)  Of course I'll respect you in the morning
  3)  I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
 -- The three least credible sentences in the English language
%%
1. The more proficient one is at procrastination, the less
proficient one need be at all else.
2. The slower one works, the fewer mistakes one makes.
 -- Doane's Laws of Procrastination
%%
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
   force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
   than "Watch this!"
3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
   in the head and knock you silly.
 -- The four constant Laws of Frisbee
 -- Dan Roddick
%%
1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely
nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.
2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss to
go in or out is directly proportional to the number and
importance of your dinner guests.
 -- C. H. Fish's Laws of Animal Behaviour
%%
(1)  There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
(2)  There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
 -- Mix's Laws
%%
1) "The Toasteroven of Shanara" by Terry Brooks: The latest in the
famed series of fantasy novels, this one has the forces of good and
evil battling over kitchen appliances of awesome power.
%%
(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.
(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
 -- Hall's Laws of Politics
%%
1) Things will get worse before they get better.
2) Who said they get better?
 -- Ehrman's Commentary
%%

1:  Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
2:  Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
  the console keyboard.
3:  Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
       card decks together.
4:  Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
    especially if you're already married.
5:  Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
      a stool to reach another disk pack.
6:  Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour shift.
7:  Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
     files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
8:  Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
9:  Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
 -- The rules
%%
1. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
2. The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd
that's going somewhere and get in front of them.
 -- Brown's Rules of Leadership
%%
(1)  Trucks that overturn on freeways
are filled with something sticky.
(2)  No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
(3)  Things that tick are not always clocks.
(4)  Suicide only works when you are bluffing.
 -- Peterson's Rules
%%
 (1) Uncritical Acceptance
 (2) Wild Enthusiasm
 (3) Dejected Disillusionment
 (4) Total Confusion
 (5) Search for the Guilty
 (6) Punishment of the Innocent
 (7) Promotion of the Non-participants
 -- Official Project Stages
%%
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
   quite understand.
 -- How to program in "C"
%%
1.  When in doubt, mumble.
2.  When in trouble, delegate.
3.  When in charge, ponder.
 -- Boren's Laws of Bureaucracy
%%
1. When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you
becomes a hammer.
2. No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up
covered with grease and motor oil.
3. When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
interchangeably.
 -- Bromberg's Laws of Automotive Repair
%%
1. When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.
2. When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable,
     (a) ridicule and dismiss them, or
    (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.
3. When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a
 struggling underdog.
4. When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.
 -- Paul Dickson
%%
(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft
will encounter turbulence.
(2)  The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the
temperature of you coffee.
 -- Gunter's Airborne Discoveries
%%
 (1)  When you empty a drawer for his clothes
       and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
   (2)  When you finally buy pretty stationary
        to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
 -- Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience
%%
 1) Why are we born?
 2) Why do we die?
 3) Why do we spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?
 -- The three most puzzling questions
%%
   (1)  Women don't know what they want;
      they don't like what they have got.
      (2)  Men know very well what they want;
            having got it, they begin to lose interest.
 -- Adam's Law
%%
1 W. When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
2 W. When the hurlyburly 's done,
When the battle 's lost and won.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
1) X=Y                          ; Given
2) X^2=XY                      ; Multiply both sides by X
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2           ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)            ; Factor
5) X+Y=Y                      ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6) 2Y=Y                ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7) 2=1                             ; Divide both sides by Y
 -- Omni [Proof that 2 equals 1], (November 1979)
%%
   (1) You can't win.
   (2) You can't break even.
   (3) You can't even quit the game.

 -- Ginsberg's Theorem
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful
is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:

   (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
   (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
   (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
 -- Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem
%%
1) You can't win;   2) You can't break even;   3) You can't even quit the game.
 -- Ginsberg's Theorems
%%
1) Your share of the market is really lower than you think.
2) Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of lunch hour.
3) The combined market position goals of all competitors always
totals at least 150%.
4) The existence of a market does not ensure the existence of a
customer.
5) Beware of alleged needs that have no market.
6) The competition really can have lower prices.
7) The number of competitors never declines.
8) Secret negotiations are usually neither.
9) If the customer wants vanilla, give him vanilla.
10) If the customer buys lunch, you've lost the order.
 -- Robin's Rules of Marketing
%%
2-0 is a cricket score in this sort of football.
%%
"20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like
to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves."
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
2180, U.S. History question:
What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
office did he later hold?
%%
21. Never wrestle with a pig.  You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
2+2=5 for moderately large values of two...
%%
2+2=5-ism:
 Caving in to a target marketing strategy aimed at oneself
after holding out for a long period of time. "Oh, all right, I'll buy
your stupid cola. Now leave me alone."
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
%%
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
%%
25 states allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the
street with no permit of any kind: some say it's crazy.  However, 4 out
of 5 US murders are committed in the other half of the country:  so
who is crazy?
 -- Andrew Ford
%%
2B || !2B, that is the question.
%%
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
%%
, 2 dah weddin Maria Mr .
%%
2/ Drink diet soda with candy bars (the calories in the candy bars
   are canceled out by the diet soda)
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
        2
 E = M C
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
2 feet on the ground,
3 in the air
The head of the living
in the mouth of the dead.
 A person standing with a
 kettle over their head.
%%
:2: infix. In translation software written by hackers, infix 2 often
   represents the syllable *to* with the connotation
   `translate to': as in dvi2ps (DVI to PostScript), int2string
   (integer to string), and texi2roff (Texinfo to [nt]roff).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
 -- Grabel's Law
%%
2nd star on the right, then on until morning.
%%
2) The gostak distims the doshes.
 -- from "The Meaning of Meaning" by Ogden & Richards
%%
2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
2 Watch. How if a' will not stand?
Dogb. Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently
call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of
a knave.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
2) "Worm-fodder" by Robert Heinlein: The long awaited sequel to
"Grumbles From the Grave".  From his coffin, Heinlein explores his
feelings about being deceased.
%%
2 x 4 x 666   The Lumber of the Beast
%%
$3,000,000
%%
300000 km/sec: it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
%%

3.0-3.9: Motion comparable to upset stomach after bad burrito.
Freeways impassable.
4.0-4.9: Slight fizz noticed in refrigerated mineral water.
Freeways impassable.
5.0-5.9: Wine racks upset.  Freeways impassable.
6.0: Difficult to jog.  White caps in hot tubs.
Freeways impassable.
7.0: U-storage facilities collapse.  Tsunamis in waterbeds.  Small
cars upset.  Freeways impassable.
7.9: RVs overturned.  Suction-cups Garfields jarred off car windows.
Freeways impassable.
8.0: Malls evacuated.  Hackers notice movement.
Freeways beginning to clear.
8.9: Jack-in-the-Box restaurants close.  Freeways clear.
 -- The Official Santa Clara County Richter Scale
%%
3,155,414,400  Seconds
   52,590,240  Minutes
      876,504  Hours
       36,421  Days
        5,218  Weeks
        1,200  Months
          400  Seasons
          100  Years
            1  Life
%%
32 white horses, on a red hill
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
And then they stand still.
 (Teeth)
%%
3356.
 -- The year in which President George Bush's 1988
 -- campaign pledge of 30,000,000 new jobs would be
 -- fulfilled, at his current rate of job production (as of July 1992)
%%
33mHz ain't fast enough
%%
355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
%%
36 percent of the American Public believes that boiling radioactive milk
 makes it safe to drink.
 -- results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University
%%
3) "City of the Future" by Jane Auel: The latest book of the "Children
of the Earth" series, which also includes "Clan of the Cave Bear",
"Valley of the Horses", "Hunt of the Mammoth", and several others.
Ayla and her mate Jondalar, having discovered fire, domesticated the
first animals, founded Atlantis, discovered agriculture, and
invented the spear-thrower now invent a time machine and travel to
modern day New York, where they are killed by a roving band of
anthropologists.
%%
   3d stereogram - slightly cross your eyes and relax them to see row depths

    h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h  h
    e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e
     b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b    b
    e     e     e     e     e     e     e     e     e     e     e     e     e
     r      r      r      r      r      r      r      r      r      r      r
    ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

 -- [e-mail]
%%
3 Fish. Master, I marvel how the fishes live in the sea.
1 Fish. Why, as men do a-land: the great ones eat up the little ones.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Pericles
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
3 GOOD THINGS ABOUT SCHOOL: JUNE, JULY, AUGUST
%%
3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime...
%%
3PO!  You tell that worm ridden piece of filth he'll get no such pleasure
from us!  ......  Right...?
 -- Skywalker (Star Wars)
%%
3/ When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you don't
   eat more than they do.
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
40% of the water consumed in the Imperial Valley goes to grow sedan
 grass for export to Japan for raising Kobi beef.
 -- Dan Beard, Staff Director, House Interior Committee,
 -- Water Policy in Western U.S., Regional Reporters Association, 5/20/91
%%
49% of all statistics . . . are wrong.
 -- Statistics Canada 1985
%%
49% of the U.S. population belongs to some minority group.
%%
4/ Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count (ie hot chocolate
   brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake etc.)
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
%%
4) "Wearing a Tartan Kilt" by Piers Anthony: Book 217 of the
"Incarnations of Immortality" series, featuring Angus McArnold, who
becomes the minor Incarnation of Bagpipe Music and spoils a plot by
Satan to take over the Universe.
%%
50% of all people are below average....
 -- Shocking Truth
%%
50% of the citizens of this country have a below average understanding of
statistics.
%%
50% of the high school graduates in this country graduated in the bottom half
of their class.
%%
50% of this country's schoolchildren have IQ's below average.  Under our
education policy, we can turn that around!
 -- New Zealand National Party candidate's campaign statement
%%
51% sweetheart, 49% bitch--don't push it.
%%
%5d dynamic kernel data pages
%%
%5d segmap kernel pages
%%
5) "Grout" by Stephen King: A shocking and suspenseful tale of horror
about a colony of bathroom tile mildew that develops sentience and
takes over a sleepy New England town.
%%
5. Hung Mung slapped his buttocks, hopped about, and shook his head, saying "I
do not know! I do not know!"
 -- HBT; The Book of Gooks, Chap. 1
%%
5/ If you can make others around you fatter, it is automatic that
   you become thinner.
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
5 out of 6 macho men prefer Russian roulette.
%%
5 schizophrenics agree!
%%
5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%

    5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
           sound is normal for this type of connector.
 -- from the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
 -- instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage,
 -- comes a new experience in sound
%%
606   The area code of the Beast
%%
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
 -- Bill Gates, 1981
%%
"64? Where did 64 come into it?"  I hear you cry. Well, 64 is 8 squared,
don't you see?  Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
666-6667   The Wrong Number of the Beast
%%
666A   The Tenant of the Beast
%%
         (__)                     (__)                     (__)
         (\/)                     ($$)                     (**)
  /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
 / | 666 ||               / |=====||               / |     ||
*  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
   ~~    ~~                 ~~    ~~                 ~~    ~~
Satanic cow           This cow is a Yuppie         Cow in love
%%
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
%%
669   The Number of the Beastiality
%%
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
%%
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
%%
6/ Movie related foods do not contain calories (ie Buttered Popcorn
   Milk Duds, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Smarties etc.). These are
   considered as part of the entire Entertainment Package, not part
   of the diet.
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
6. They keep showing the Rodney King beatings over and over.
When are they going to get new episodes?
 -- Dan Quayle's Top 10 TV complaints
%%
6) "What Are the Owls?" by Thomas Harris: In this sequel to "Red
Dragon" and "Silence of the Lambs", FBI agent Clarise Starling
enlists the aid of Director David Lynch in tracking down a
psychopathic killer who places letters under the fingernails of his
victims.
%%
"700 hours of community service work?  Who has that kind of free time?"
 -- Molly Dodd
%%
70% of all people on the road are caused by accidents.
%%
[7/16/89] I've had no indication from home, nor have we picked up any
here that they felt that the US economy was going to move towards a
recession.  [10/4/91] The economy is moving in the right direction.
 [10/25/91] I don't want to buy into the predicate about [the US being
in] another recession. I don't feel that way.  [10/31/91] The
economy's turned the corner, headed for recovery.  [11/8/91] I'm not
prepared to say we are in a recession.    [1/4/92] It will not be a deep
recession.  [1/15/92] Look, this economy is in free fall.
 -- President George Bush
%%
71:
   69 with two fingers up your ass.
 -- George Carlin
%%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
Redwood Forest.
%%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%%
7/ Cookie pieces contain no calories (the process of breaking allows
   calorie leakage).
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
7 Days without pizza makes one weak...
%%
7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
but a steady left tail light.  This means

(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
to call the problem to the driver's attention.
(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
(d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
 -- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
%%
7) "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Dimensions" by Douglas Adams:
When our universe is destroyed to make way for an interdimensional
bypass, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Trillian, and
Slartibartfast find themselves homeless and trapped in a series of
alternate histories.
%%
8086: The year you finally pay off your computer.
 8087: The year you finally pay off your peripherals.
 8088: The year your spouse forgives you for buying the computer.
%%
80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed and about the one
book you didn't read.
 -- 1st LAW OF TESTS
%%
82.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
%%
8:30 Chan. 7: Bewitched.  Tabitha gets carsick and turns Darin into a
plastic bag.
%%
8384 ... the Bup stops here!
%%
8 out of 10 men writes with a Parker pen. What do the others do with it?
%%

(8) Pedestrians are

(a) irrelevant.
(b) communists.
(c) a nuisance.
(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
 -- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
%%
8/ Simply saying to yourself "I'm on a diet", reduces calories in
   foods by 50%; telling others you are on diet increases calories
   by 100%; therefore when dieting always remember:
   KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
 -- DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER
%%
8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
8) "This Book Sucks But You'll Probably Buy It Anyway" by Jackie
Collins: Amazingly similar to other best-selling books by Collins.
%%
8) Use common sense in routing cable.  Avoid wrapping coax around
   sources of strong electric or magnetic fields.  Do not wrap the
   cable around flourescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example.
 -- Ethernet Headstart Product
 -- Information and Installation Guide, Bell Technologies, pg. 11
%%
9:00 Chan. 5: I Dream of Jeanie.  Jeanie and Major Nelson discover new
things to do with Jeanie's bottle.
%%
90% of everything is crap.
 -- Theodore Sturgeon's Law
%%
90% of Science Fiction is crap.
On the other hand, 90% of _everything_ is crap.
%%
90% of the water used in Nevada is for agriculture, yet fewer people are
 employed by agriculture in Nevada than at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas.
 -- Dan Beard, Staff Director, House Interior Committee,
 -- Water Policy in Western U.S., Regional Reporters Association, 5/20/91
%%
94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.
%%
95% of this game is half mental.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
9600bps and under are insults to HST'ers
 -- Hacker's law #5
%%
9.8 m/s2: Not just a good idea; it's the LAW.
%%
  9.9999973251  It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
  8.9999163362  It's Close Enough, We Say So
  7.9999414610  Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
  6.9999831538  You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
  5.9999835137  Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
  4.9999999021  We Fixed It, Really
  3.9998245917  Division Considered Harmful
  2.9991523619  Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
  1.9999103517  We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
  0.9999999998  The Errata Inside
 -- Top Ten New INTEL Slogans for the Pentium
%%
9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
 -- One of 21 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
%%
9 out of 10 cats prefer hamsters.
%%
9. "Sixty Minutes" is on for a whole hour
 -- Dan Quayle's Top 10 TV complaints
%%
9) "Unearthed Arcana" by Umberto Eco: A huge volume filled with highly
obscure information that Eco compiled in monastery libraries that
have been sealed up for centuries.  The plot is so complicated that
the publisher has packeged the book with a free set of Cliff's
Notes.
%%
9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
 ----------------------------------
 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
 2. "Is that a false nose?"
 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
 4. "I'm drunk."
 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
 7. "I just threw up."
 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that."
%%
A 100% right of return both ways.
%%
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
%%
A 16 ton weight fell on his toes. As soon as his toes rotted off,
I doused the ox in gasoline and torched it.
 -- YESKLD
%%
A 2 cent piece goes a long way nowadays - you can carry one around in
your pocket for days before you can find anything to buy with it!
%%
A 3.5 disk should fit in a 5.25 drive, right?
%%
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
%%
A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME!
 -- Jerry Hindle
%%
A $500 CPU will protect a $10 surge protector by frying first.
%%
A 586SX, 32Mb 40ns RAM, 4Gb 2ms HD... now then... C:\>WIN
%%
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk You brute  Knock before entering a
ladies room
%%
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
%%
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
%%
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
 -- Ben Franklin, the moment he discovered electricity
%%
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
%%
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
%%
Aaaahhhhh-CHU!  Not Virus, BBS Fever.
%%
AAAEEEYYYAAAAAEEEEEYAAAAAA
 -- Johnny Weissmuller
%%
Aaaoooggghhh......aaoogghhh......DIVE!  DIVE!
%%
AAC: Alter All Commands
%%
AAcckk!!  II''mm  iinn  hhaallff  dduupplleexx
%%
AAD: Alter All Data
%%
                      /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\                 A/~~\A
                      |    LEAVING  ALABAMA    |                ((o  o))___
                      |  Set your watch up an  |                  \  /     ~~~
    #                 |  hour . . .  set your  |   #              (--)\    #
 x--#---x---x---x---x-|  calendar up 30 years  |---#---x---x---x---x---x---#---
    #                 \------------------------/   #                    \  #_
 x--#---x---x---x---x---| |--#---x---x---x-| |--x--#---x---x---x---x---x---#---
 (//#  \|/   \\)(/   \\)| | )#(//  \\)(/  \| |(// \#(//  \|/   \\)|(/   \|)#(/
%%
A.A. members make souse calls.
%%
AAO: Add And Overflow
%%
AAR: Alter At Random
%%
Aardvarking my baby back home.
%%
AARDVARK
  Like an anteater, but harder to spell, the aardvark hangs around
  South American locations getting to know the local ant population,
  and attempting genocide on them. Well recognised for its long
  snout, with which it sucks up said unfortunate ants, the aardvark
  is best known for that bit in Tintin where it cleans up Captain
  Haddock's face. The Aardvark was originally named by Spanish
  Explorer Aaron Varkinos in 1533. [See also: Ant]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
A army's effectiveness depends on its size, training, experience and
morale, and morale is worth more than all the other factors combined.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
AArrgghh!!  II''mm  iinn  ffuull  dduupplleexx!!
%%
AARRGHH!! A virus was chewing my FAT.
%%
A babe in a house is a well-spring of pleasure.
 -- Martin F. Tupper (1810-1889)
 -- Of Education
%%
A BABY IS A LIFE, NOT A CHOICE.
%%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%%
A baby is a person who must have bottle or bust.
%%
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
 -- Carl Sandburg
%%
A baby is lots more fun than differential equations.
%%
A baby is the human race's way of insisting that the universe give it another
chance.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
... a baby's arm holding an apple.
%%
A baby stroller is last year's fun on wheels.
%%
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
%%
A baby was sleeping,
Its mother was weeping.
 -- Samuel Lover (1797-1868)
 -- The Angel's Whisper
%%
A bachelor enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game.
%%
A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting
 tied to one.
%%
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
%%
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.
 -- Ed Wynn
%%
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
%%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a
divorce.
 -- Don Quinn
%%
A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
%%
A Bachelor looks, but does not leap.
%%
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
and a boy forever.
 -- Helen Rowland
%%
A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women
and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
 -- Helen Rowland, American journalist
%%
A bachelor's life is a fine breakfast, a flat lunch, and miserable
dinner.
 -- Jean de La Bruyere
%%
A bad cause will never be supported by bad means and bad men.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
A bad day on the bike always beats a good day in the office!
%%
A bad day sailing is better than a good day at the office.
%%
A BAD days fishing STILL beats a GOOD day at work!
%%
A bad day:  "Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)"
%%
AB: Add Backwards
%%
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the
horse, but it dont fix the leg.
%%
A bad neighbour is as great a misfortune as a good one is a great blessing.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 346
%%
A bad peace is even worse than a war.
%%
A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
%%
"A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients
and having someone sit on it."
 -- Danielle Steel
%%
A bad sector disk error occurs only after
you've done several hours of work without performing a backup.
 -- Dr. Caligari's Come-Back
%%
A bad standard is better than nothing.  It gives you something to violate.
 -- The Hammer Forum, 1986
%%
A bad workman always blames his fools.
 -- 7th Doctor
%%
A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
   A == B; !;
("A equals B. Not!")
 -- Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide
%%
A BANDAID!? Damn it Jim,I'm a doctor, not a-oh, never mind...
%%
Abandon all hope, ye who exit here.
%%
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
%%
Abandon hope early and avoid the rush.
%%
Abandon ship!  Abandon ship!  Women and Mogs first!
%%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,
 but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when it is dry and
asks for it back when it starts raining.
%%
A banker is often a pawn broker with a manicure and a smile, in a suit.
%%
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
 don't need it.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
A bank robber hits the biggest bank in LA. He's planned this heist for
 years and everything goes like clockwork, but as he's running out of the
 bank he notices one security camera aimed right at him. A minute later a
 huge manhunt for him is on. He manages to keep out of sight for a few days
 but he can tell from the news that it's only a matter of time before he's
 discovered.

 Suddenly, he gets a brilliant idea. He jumps in his car, races down to the
 William Morris agency, and forces them at gunpoint to sign him to a
 five-year contract. He is never seen or heard from ever again.
 -- Jimmy Myers
%%
A bank robber in Buffalo entered and placed a bag over his head.
He forgot to poke eyeholes and was blinded, and promptly tackled
by security guards and customers.
%%
A bank robber in Los Angeles told the clerk not to give him cash, but to
deposit the money in his checking account.
 -- Bill Bryson
%%
A banner with the strange device.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Excelsior
%%
A bard here dwelt, more fat than bard beseems.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Castle of Indolence, Canto i, Stanza 68
%%
A bard with a 10 charisma.  Not good.
%%
A Barfing Bush is worth a Quail in the woods!
%%
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
%%
A baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony.
%%
A baseball player who makes a spectacular defensive play always leads
off the next inning as batter.
 -- Bob Smith
%%
Abasement, n.  A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of
wealth or power.  Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing
an employer.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Abash'd the devil stood,
And felt how awful goodness is, and saw
Virtue in her shape how lovely.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 846
%%
A basic premise is an absolute that permits no co-operation with
its antithesis and tolerates no tolerance.
 -- Hugh Akston
%%
A Batch Stream that can not be arranged in improper order will be.
 -- Troutman's Programming Postulate #3
%%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
 By breezes that left her quite nude,
 Saw a man come along
 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
 You expected this line to be lewd.
%%
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming
available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown
hotels, taxis, parking lots, bookcases, wallets, purses, pockets,
pipe racks, basement shelves, and so on. The list is endless.
 -- John Joyce
%%
ABATIS, n.  Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside
from molesting the rubbish inside.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A battery-powered brass lantern is on the trophy case.
%%
ABATTOIR
  A location where carnivores like myself can go to see the full
  reality of the slaughter of defenceless little sheepies, piggies
  and other animals unfortunate enough to be farmed for their
  delicious rumps (and other bits). Yum. Actually, the dictionary
  that I'm ... err... copying from says "public slaughterhouse", but
  I wasn't aware that the general public were able to be slaughtered
  at these locations. This may require further investigation.
  Abattoirs originated in ancient Rome, when there was a shortage of
  edible meat, and a simultaneous overflow of gladiators bodies to
  get rid of. [See also: Vegetarian, Vegan]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Abba...Dabba...Goo!
 --  Pebbles' first words.
%%
:abbrev: /*-breev'/, /*-brev'/ n. Common abbreviation for
   `abbreviation'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
A BBSer's telephone bill knows no bounds...
%%
A bbs needs Qwk like a fish needs a bicycle.
%%
ABC AcADemY oF BiDiGItAl dActYloGrApHy
%%
ABC
  Acronym for the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Generally
  described as a bit like the better-known BBC, but with half the
  channels and twice the incompetence. But at least they don't
  broadcast "Neighbours". This definition can cause confusion amongst
  most of the world, who know the ABC as (a) the alphabet and (b) the
  American Broadcasting Company. We won't even begin to mention the
  Angolan Broadcasting Collective, the Alaskan Boiling Company, the
  Adelaide Buddist Church or the Amsterdam Bicycle Committee. The ABC
  was formed in 1932, and initially promoted itself as costing
  taxpayers only a ha'penny a day.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
ABC: AlphaBetize Code
%%
ABC  - Association of Budget Culture
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
"A-B-C-D-E-F-G,
 Sell your story to TV,
 How you turned in Mom & Dad --
 Wasn't Mrs. Reagan glad?"
 -- Mark Russell
%%
ABCD GOLDFISH? LMNO GOLDFISH!
%%
ABC.
It's easy as 123.
All simple as Doe Rey Me, ABC, 123 ...
%%
ABC News will be right back with the Great Quake of '89, brought to
you by Subaru.
 -- American Brodcast Corporation
 -- ABC News, October 18?, 1989.
%%
ABDICATION, n.  An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the
high temperature of the throne.

    Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
    Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
    For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
    She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
    To History she'll be no royal riddle --
    Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ABDOMEN, n.  The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with
sacrificial rights, all true men engage.  From women this ancient
faith commands but a stammering assent.  They sometimes minister at
the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence
for the one deity that men really adore they know not.  If woman had a
free hand in the world's marketing the race would become
graminivorous.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Abdominos... sit-ups & pizza.
%%
A beard signifies lice, not brains.
%%
A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
"A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker!"
 -- THE MUPPET MOVIE
%%
A bear robbed of cubs is safer than the folly of fools.
%%
A bear trap closes on your foot!
%%
A beast, that wants discourse of reason.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
 I am not I, I'm a tree."
 But another, more sane,
 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
 And covered his pants leg with pee.
%%
A beautiful eye makes silence eloquent, a kind eye makes contradiction an
assent, an enraged eye makes beauty deformed. This little member gives life to
every part about us; and I believe the story of Argus implies no more, than
the eye is in every part; that is to say, every other part would be mutilated,
were not its force represented more by the eye than even by itself.
 -- Addison
%%
A beautiful Greek chalice has magically appeared!
%%
A beautiful rainbow can be seen over the falls and to the east.
%%
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
 -- Rudyard Kipling
%%
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
A beautiful woman is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
%%
A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
 sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon.
%%
A bee is not a busier animal than a blockhead.
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
A beer a day keeps lager louts at bay.
%%
A beer can't interrupt.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A Beer chaser is easy to catch.
%%
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
%%
A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't care when you come.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't complain when you come home late.
%%
A beer doesn't demand equality.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
A Beer doesn't have in-laws.
%%
A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't snore.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't sulk.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A Beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
%%
A beer goes down easy.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
A beer in need is a beer indeed.
%%
A Beer is always satisfying.
%%
A beer is always wet.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer never has a headache.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer never needs a shave.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer tastes good.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer will only come when you want it to.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
%%
A Beer won't get upset if you come home with another Beer.
%%
A beer won't switch the TV channel.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A Beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.
%%
A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beer wouldn't waste its money on Play beer magazine.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
A beggarly account of empty boxes.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that
balances are correct.
 -- from "Manual of Maud'Dib" by the Princess Irulan
%%
A behaviorist is a person who pulls habits out of rats.
%%
A Belgian is a hell living on Earth.
%%
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
%%
:ABEND: [ABnormal END] /o'bend/, /*-bend'/ n. Abnormal
   termination (of software); {crash}; {lossage}.  Derives from an
   error message on the IBM 360; used jokingly by hackers but
   seriously mainly by {code grinder}s.  Usually capitalized, but may
   appear as `abend'.  Hackers will try to persuade you that ABEND is
   called `abend' because it is what system operators do to the
   machine late on Friday when they want to call it a day, and hence
   is from the German `Abend' = `Evening'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
A bending reed does not break.
 -- Confucius
%%
A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.
%%
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
%%
A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore
%%
A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well simply
because it was selling well.
 -- Daniel Boorstin
%%
A Betazoid woman, when she goes through this phase, quadruples her
  sex drive.
"Or more."
Or more? You never told me that.
"I didn't want to frighten you."
 -- Riker and Troi, "Man Hunt", stardate 42859.2
%%
A better world shall emerge based on faith and understanding.
 -- General Douglas MacArthur
%%
A bevy of fair women.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book xi, Line 582
%%
A bicycle pump.
 -- There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way #33
%%
Abide with me from morn till eve,
For without Thee I cannot live;
Abide with me when night is nigh,
For without Thee I dare not die.
 -- John Keble (1792-1866)
 -- Evening
%%
A bigamist is a guy who took one too many.
%%
A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
%%
A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big.
 -- Francis Scott Fitzgerald
%%
A Big Mouth Travels Far.
%%
A big wagon for loading.
One may undertake something.
No blame.
%%
Ability hits the mark where presumption overshoots and diffidence
falls short.
 -- John Henry Newman
%%
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
%%
Ability is nothing without opportunity.
 -- Napoleon I (1769-1821)
%%
Ability is of little account without opportunity.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Ability is the poor man's wealth.
%%
Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
 -- John Wooden
%%
ABILITY, n.  The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of
the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.  In the
last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high
degree of solemnity.  Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is
rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
 -- MALCOM FORBES
%%
Ability wins us the esteem of the true men; luck that of the people.
 -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
A billion dollars isn't what it used to be.
%%
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.
 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen (1896-1969)
%%
A billion saved is a billion earned.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XLVI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
   A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
   A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
   A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
   A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury...
 -- According to a recent government publication ...
%%
A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every
government on Earth...  and what no just government should refuse.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, Letter to James Madison, Paris, Dec.  20, 1787
%%
A bimbo is a young woman who's not pretty enough to be a model, not smart
 enough to be an actress, and not nice enough to be a poisonous snake.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
 -- Tao of Pooh.
%%
A bird does not sing because it has an answer...
        it sings because it has a song.
 -- Ancient Chinese proverb
%%
A bird in the bush can't relieve itself in your hand.
%%
A bird in the bush....HURTS!
%%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%%
A bird in the hand can be messy.
%%
A bird in the hand doesn't count in poker.
%%
A bird in the hand is a big mistake.
%%
A bird in the hand is a small meal for one.
%%
A bird in the hand is dead.
 -- Rhonda Boozer
%%
A bird in the hand is finger-licking good.
%%
 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
 -- Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law
%%
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
%%
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap. iv
%%
A bird in the hand is worth two off the wrist.
 -- British Proverb
%%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A bird in the hand means you better have lots of soap.
%%
A bird in the hand might.
%%
A bird in the hand often leaves a sticky deposit. Perhaps it was
better you left it in the bush with the other one.
%%
A bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which hath wings
shall tell the matter.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes ix, 20
%%
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
%%
A bit crooked, Bruce. Where's Bruce?
%%
A bite?  Where would you like a bite?
%%
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum
 -- Ogden Nash (1902-1971)
%%
"A bit of tolerance is worth a megabyte of flaming."
 -- Henry Spencer, [e-mail]
%%
A bitter jest, when the satire comes too near the truth, leaves a
sharp sting behind.
 -- Tacitus
%%
A bit visits the CPU and says "hi".
%%
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
A blank stare is as worthless as a faxed cheque.
%%
A Blast from the Past!
%%
A bleating sheep gets the hay.
 -- Old Estonian Proverb
%%
A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A blessed companion is a book,--a book that fitly chosen is a life-long friend.
 -- Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857)
 -- Books
%%
Able was I, ere I saw Elba!
%%
A blind and dumb man sits in an
honorable place,
And to everybody tells the truth.
 (a mirror)
%%
A blind man comes into a drugstore and starts knocking things off the shelf
 with his cane. The owner says, "Can I help you?" He says, "No, thanks, just
 looking."
 -- Gallagher
%%
A blind man will not thank you for a looking-glass.
 -- Thomas Fuller
%%
A block away he wondered if he'd left behind a clue...
%%
A block grant is a solid mass of money
surrounded on all sides  by governors.
 -- Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry
%%
A Blonde's nursery rhyme.  Humpme Dumpme.
%%
A, B, ...   (Long time, no C)
%%
A blood curdling scream echos through the cave, yet it somehow feels
much much safer and cleaner.
%%
A blow from the frying pan, if it doesn't hurt, blackens.
 -- Proverb from "Life in Hell"
%%
A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
 -- Richard Burton (1577-1640)
%%
A blunderer is a person who opens an outdoor market, in mid-Winter, in
 Alaska, in a wilderness, surrounded by swamps, patrolled by hungry bears
 which stocks large quantities of parakeet food which sells for exotic
 prices.
%%
A blunt instrument.
%%
Abner... smote him under the fifth rib.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 2 Samuel ii, 23
%%
ABNORMAL, adj.  Not conforming to standard.  In matters of thought and
conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be
detested.  Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the
straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.
Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and
the hope of Hell.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Abnormal program termination.
%%
A body can work up a mean, mean thirst after a day of doing nothing.
%%
A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside
 force.
 -- Carol Reichel
%%
A bold bad man.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book i, Canto i, St. 37
%%
Abolish anal retentiveness!
%%
Abolish first marriages!
%%
Abolish mornings...
%%
Abolition of a woman's right to abortion, when and if she wants it, amounts to
compulsory maternity: form of rape by the State.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Abomination of desolation.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xxiv, 15; Mark xiii, 14
%%
A bonded penguin is a happy penguin.
%%
A bone to the dog is not charity.  Charity is the bone shared with the
dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.
 -- Jack London
%%
A book, a friend, a song, a glass, a chaste loving lass.
%%
A book is a present you can open again and again.
%%
A book is like a mirror:  If an ass peers into it, you can't expect an
apostle to look out.
 -- G. C. Lichtenberg
%%
A book is the only immortality.
 -- Rufus Choate
%%
A book is the only place in which you can examine
a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea
without fear it will go off in your face...
It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind
can get both provocation and privacy.
 -- Edward P. Morgan
%%
A book is the product of a contract with the Devil that inverts the Faustian
 contract, he'd told Allie.   Dr Faustus sacrificed eternity in return for two
 dozen years of power; the writer agrees to the ruination of his life, and
 gains (but only if he's lucky) maybe not eternity, but posterity, at least.
 Either way (this was Jumpy's point) it's the Devil who wins.
 -- Salman Rushdie, _The Satanic Verses_
%%
A book of quotations ... can never be complete.
 -- Robert M. Hamilton
%%
A book should serve as an axe to the ice inside us.
 -- Franz Kafka
%%
A book worth banning is a book worth reading.
%%
A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have
 turned into a pile of dust.
%%
A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with
company.
 -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina
%%
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, will tell you.
 -- Bert Leston Taylor, "The So-Called Human Race", (1922-)
%%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
 enlightened him with ours.
%%
ABORIGINIES, n.  Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a
newly discovered country.  They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A boring but secure job.
%%
A born executive is a guy whose father owns the company.
%%
A born loser:
 Somebody who calls the number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone
 booth wall-- and his wife answers.
%%
ABORT: Drivel filter is compromised!
%%
(A)bort (F)ail (T)oss computer across room
%%
Abortion: America's Second Civil War
%%
Abortion Casualties: 1 dead, 1 wounded
%%
ABORTION CLINIC: You Bang 'Em, we hang 'em!
%%
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
%%
[Abortion] is not an issue with the American people.  It is a figment
of your imagination if you think that this is an issue that is talked
about a lot.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters while flying back
 -- to Washington on September 23 [From the Associated Press 9/24/92]
%%
Abortion is something babies can live without.
%%
Abortion kills one human being and maims another.
%%
Abortion: Loves Labor Lost
%%
Abortion means never having to say "Happy Birthday!"
%%
Abortion stops a beating heart.
%%
Abortion: the ultimate child abuse
%%
Aborton kills, but so does McDonalds.
%%
(A)bort, (R)epent (I)gnorant?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail, (G)ive up!
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail, (G)rab_Hammer?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail?
 Microsoft
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ind another line of work.......?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)orget it!
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a gun and kill it.
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)ET THE SHOTGUN AND SHOOT THE DAMNED THING.
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et The Sledge Hammer?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (F)ail, (N)uke...
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (H)old Requiem Mass?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (K)ick system?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (O)verthrow System?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (P)lan a Funeral Service?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (S)orry I Asked...
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (K)ill innocent bystanders
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, or (G)et a life?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the friggin thing?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)ue?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)wear?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake an axe to it?
%%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
%%
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
%%
A bottle is sitting on the table.
%%
A bottle of sweat for every bottle of wine.
%%
A bottle of wine, boudin rouge, and her!
%%
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace.
 -- Leigh Hunt (1784-1859)
 -- Abou Ben Adhem
%%
About 1,900 women commit homicide in US *each year*
%%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
%%
About all some women accomplish in life is to send a daughter to Radcliffe.
%%
About a maid I'll sing a song, sing rickety-tickety tin...
%%
About one-fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
 -- Robert F. Kennedy
%%
About Pontus there are some creatures of such an extempore being that
the whole term of their life is confined within the space of a day;
for they are brought forth in the morning, are in the prime of their
existence at noon, grow old at night, and then die.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Consolation to Apollonius
%%
About sentence fragments.
 -- Writing Rule 10
%%
About some act
That has no relish of salvation in 't.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
About the campaign in Detroit to "Stamp out the Beatles," John Lennon said:
   "We have a campaign to stamp out Detroit!"
%%
About them unfinished sentences and what they should be. And them subjects
 and objects which ought. Never no way should they not. Sometimes it is that
 they are and other times they aren't. I took the Evelyn Woods Speed Reading
 Course and don't know where I put it. Anyway, a sentence should always be.
%%
    About the only people who don't quarrel over religion are
the people who don't have any.
 -- Bob Edwards
%%
About the only person I know who was able to get through a weeks work and
 have it done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%%
About the only person who has the time to write a book on how to raise a
 child is a bachelor.
%%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%%
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor
of the plain people is the stork.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
About the only thing you should be able to say about a Catholic priest
 is that his father wasn't one.
%%
About the only way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to make
 it. Sometimes, even this solution fails!
%%
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a
blunt ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes
instead.
 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%%
About the worst advice you can give to some people is, "Be yourself."
 -- Tom Masson
%%
About to exchange her fur wrap for a dressing gown:
 Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
%%
About you stretches the beach of Ebosskil. The sand is unnaturally
white, reflecting its strange origins in an act of magic. The
sand continues up a hill to the west. There are signs of ruins
visible to the northwest and southwest. You cannot cross the broken
terrain to the north and south.
%%
Above a condom vending machine:

Dont buy this gum... it tastes like shit!

But WOW! Look at the bubbles you can blow...
%%
Above a condom vending machine:

For refund insert baby.
%%
Above all, beware of Zeal!
%%
Above all, do not fail to give good dinners, and pay attention to the
 women.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Above all else -- sky.
%%
Above all Greek, above all Roman fame.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Epistle i, Book ii, Line 26
%%
Above any Greek or Roman name.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Upon the Death of Lord Hastings, Line 76
%%
Above fire; below, the lake:
The image of Opposition.
Thus amid all fellowship
The superior man retains his individuality.
%%
Above the lovers struggle in dark corners, desperate as the night moves on.
%%
Above the pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book iv, Chap. xix
%%
Above the smoke and stir of this dim spot
Which men call earth.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 5
%%
Above the vulgar flight of common souls.
 -- Arthur Murphy (1727-1805)
 -- Zenobia, Act v
%%
Above you is a grating locked with a skull-and-crossbones lock.
%%
Above you is an open grating with sunlight pouring in.
%%
A bowl of oatmeal tried to stare me down -- And won.
 -- John Prine
%%
A box has nine ears of corn in it.  A
squirrel carries out three ears a day,
but it takes him nine days to carry
all the corn away.  Why?
 Carries an ear of corn and
 two ears for hearing...
%%
A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel
%%
A box of punchcards could theoretically store 240,000 bytes of information,
 and usually stored less than 80,000.   Think about it.
 -- Karlie-q
%%
A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
%%
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedence, loyalty, and the
 importance of turning around three times before lying down.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
 -- John Steinbeck (1902-1968)
%%
A boy is a magical creature -- you can lock him out of your workshop,
but you can't lock him out of your heart.
 -- Allan Beck
%%
A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
 -- Homer in "Tell-Tale Head", from The Simpsons
%%
abracadabra
%%
ABR: Add Beyond Range
%%
Abraham Lincoln always said you can't fool all the people all of the time.
 But Abraham Lincoln was fooling when he said that.
 -- Mark Russell
%%
   Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said,
"In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.  He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Slaves citizenship.  the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane
actor.        This ruined Booth's career.
 -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers"
%%
Abraham Lincoln wrote his Gettysburg address on the BACK of an envelope and
 the Postal Service from that very day to the present time has been losing
 more and more mail each and every day. Put the address where you intend the
 mail to go on the FRONT of that envelope. The people at the Post Office are
 not mind readers, you know, and they need your help.
%%
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think.
 -- Tom's Law
%%
Abrasive - A fine mesh for sifting female undergarments.
%%
"A brave man dies only once, while a coward dies
 only once also.  It's just that the brave man gets
 it over with more quickly."
 -- C. E. Whitfield
%%
A brave man is sometimes a desperado; a bully is always a coward.
 -- Haliburton
%%
A brave man struggling in the storms of fate,
And greatly falling with a falling state.
While Cato gives his little senate laws,
What bosom beats not in his country's cause?
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Prologue to Mr. Addison's Cato
%%
Abra was ready ere I called her name;
And though I called another, Abra came.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- Solomon on the Vanity of the World, Book ii, Line 364
%%
A breath thou art,
Servile to all the skyey influences.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A bridge over turgid waters.
%%
ABRIDGE, v.t.  To shorten.

        When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
    people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
    mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
    them to the separation.
                                                       Oliver Cromwell
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A brilliant maneuver destroys the bottle.
%%
A brilliant smile will get you fan mail from lighthouses.
%%
A bristlecone pine is just a fire's way of making another fire.
%%
  Abroad, adj.  At war with savages and idiots.  To be a
Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad
is to make others miserable.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary
%%
A broad and ample road, whose dust is gold,
And pavement stars,--as stars to thee appear
Seen in the galaxy, that milky way
Which nightly as a circling zone thou seest
Powder'd with stars.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book vii, Line 577
%%
Abroad in the world today is a monstrous falsehood, a consummate
fabrication, to which all social agencies have loaned themselves and
into which most men, women, and children have been seduced ... "the
Eleventh Commandment"; for such, indeed, has become the injunction: You
Must Adjust.
 -- Robert M. Lindner (1915-1956)
%%
A broken bone can heal, but the wound a word opens can fester forever.
 -- Jessamyn West
%%
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
   "The height of my folly
       Was diddling a collie-
But I got a nice price for the pups."           <Animal husbandry>
%%
A broken friendship may be solder'd, but will never be sound.
 -- Proverb
%%
A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xlii, 3
%%
ABRUPT, adj.  Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-
shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most
affected by it.  Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another
author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Abruptness is eloquence in parting, when spinning out the time is
but the weaving of new sorrow.
 -- Sir John Suckling
%%
A brute kills for pleasure.  A fool kills from hate.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Abscond:  To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying
relative and miss the return train.
%%
ABSCOND, v.i.  To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the
property of another.

    Spring beckons!  All things to the call respond;
    The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
                                                             Phela Orm
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Absence and death are the same-only that in death there is no suffering.
 -- Walter S. Landor
%%
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind
blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.
 -- La Rochefoucald
%%
Absence in love is like water upon fire;
a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
 -- Hannah More
%%
Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it
enkindles the great.
 -- Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
%%
Absence makes the dick grow longer.
%%
Absence makes the heart forget.
%%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder:
  Isle of Beauty, fare thee well!
 -- Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839)
 -- Isle of Beauty
%%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
 -- Sextus Propertius
(Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes)
%%
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
%%
Absence of evidence is evidence of absence of proof.
%%
Absence of Evidence is not Evidence of Absence
 -- UFO expert
%%
Absence of occupation is not rest,
A mind quite vacant is a mind distress'd.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Retirement, Line 623
%%
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
%%
ABSENCE
We've looked at the whole Solar System:
Mars, Venus, the Moon - you can list 'em.
Wherever we roam,
There's nobody home.
Perhaps they stepped out, and we missed 'em?
%%
Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
%%
ABSENT, adj.  Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;
hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection
of another.

    To men a man is but a mind.  Who cares
    What face he carries or what form he wears?
    But woman's body is the woman.  O,
    Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
    But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
    A woman absent is a woman dead.
                                                            Jogo Tyree
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Absent in body, but present in spirit.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians v, 3
%%
Absent thee from felicity awhile.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
%%
Absinthe makes the parts grow stronger.
%%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
 -- Hugh Drummond
%%
ABSOLUTE, adj.  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is
one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases
the assassins.  Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them
having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's
power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,
which are governed by chance.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Absolute freedom is being able to do what you please without considering
anyone except the except the wife and kids, the company and the boss,
neighbors and friends, the police and government, the doctor and the
church.
%%
Absolute knowledge means never having to change your mind.
%%
Absolutely. I certainly hope I am.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle on whether he is still on the
 -- Republican ticket. (Newsweek, August 10, 1992.)
%%
Absolutely no foolish horseplay allowed.
%%
Absolute Zero is cool - 0K?
%%
Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)
 -- Stafford Beer
%%
ABSTAINER, n.  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from
everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the
affairs of others.

    Said a man to a crapulent youth:  "I thought
        You a total abstainer, my son."
    "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --
        "But not, sir, a bigoted one."
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Abstain from beans.
%%
Abstain from beans; that is, keep out of public offices, for anciently
the choice of the officers of state was made by beans.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
%%
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and to the pocket.
 -- Horace Greeley
%%
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
%%
Abstinence is as easy to me, as temperance would be difficult.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.
%%
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
%%
Abstinence makes the heart grow fondler.
%%
Abstinence should be practiced with modulation.
%%
[Abstract art is] a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled
 to the utterly bewildered.
 -- Al Capp
%%
Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
%%
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
 A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to
 a channeler in the 23rd century.  Any message you leave will be
 broadcast into the future.
 -- Answering machine madness - science fiction
%%
A buck of the first head.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare!
%%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
 as afterward.
%%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
%%
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
%%
A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual.
%%
A bug is always wrong .... when arguing with a chicken.
%%
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
%%
A bunch of bunnies hopping backwards:  a receding hare line.
%%
A bunch of girly-men.
 -- Bush supporter Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the
 -- Democratic presidential candidates,
 -- one of whom had won the Medal of Honor.
 -- (I'm not a hero, but I play one on TV.)
%%
A bunch of guys were playing cards in the hospital. They figured out a
 method of playing poker using the diagnosis chart at the foot of the bed.
 First guy said, "I got a pair of hernias." Second guy says, "I have three
 ruptures." Third guy says, "Well, I have four enemas." Well, they gave him
 the pot.
 -- Davy Bold
%%
A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
And watching his luck was his light-o'-love,
the lady that's known as Lou.
 -- Robert W. Service
%%
Abundance = Big party held in a bakery.
%%
Abundance has success.
The king attains abundance.
Be not sad.
Be like the sun at midday.
%%
A bureaucrat's castle is his desk ... and parking place. Proceed
cautiously when changing either.
 -- Douglas Evelyn
%%
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
%%
A burger shy of a Happy Meal.
%%
A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
       But she read science fiction
  And died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
%%
A burning dog needs no chimney.
%%
A burp is not an answer.
%%
A burrito is almost always a wonderful thing.
 -- [e-mail]
%%
Abuse is a temporary display of power.
%%
Abuse is the weapon of the vulgar.
 -- Samuel Griswold Goodrich
%%
Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and
chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society.
 -- John Adams (1735-1826)
%%
Abuse only as directed.
%%
Abuses me to damn me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Abuse:  the bitter clamour of two evil tongues.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
A business, like an automobile, has to be driven
in order to get results.
 -- B.C. Forbes, publisher
%%
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
 -- Paul Valery
%%
A business that makes nothing but money is a poor kind of business.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
A business with an income at its heels
Furnishes always oil for its own wheels.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Retirement, Line 614
%%
abusus non tollit usum - abuse does not pass with use,
i.e. abuse is not a reason for giving up the legitimate use of a thing.
%%
ACADEME:  An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy:  A modern school where football is taught.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Academicians care, that's who.
%%
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
 -- Wallace Sayre
%%
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.
%%
A Canadian is somebody who can make love in a canoe.
%%
A candidate for office can have no greater advantage than muddled syntax;
 no greater liability than a command of the language.
 -- Marya Mannes
%%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from
 the poor to protect them from each other.
%%
A candour affected is a dagger concealed.
 -- Marcus Aurelius (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, book 9.
%%
A candy a day gives the dentist his pay.
%%
A cannibal only opens his mouth to change your feet.
%%
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.
%%
a capite ad calcem - from the head to the heel; this could be amended with
  a Latin dicky to 'from the head to the stomach', which seems apt
%%
A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the
Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson
%%
A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise
deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.
 -- Quigley's Law
%%
A card game doesn't exactly prepare me for this.
Yes, the stakes are higher, but then isn't that where the game gets
  interesting, Commander.
 -- Riker and Picard, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
A cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a live man or a
 dead woman.
 -- Larry Hagman (as J. R. Ewing in Dallas)
%%
A career is a job that has gone on too long.
 -- Jeff MacNelly
%%
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair
 -- Graffiti 4/13/83
%%
A carefully planned project takes two times longer to complete than expected.
 -- Golub's Second Law of Computerdom
%%
A car is just a big purse on wheels.
 -- Johanna Reynolds
%%
A car that starts when you have to go to work won't turn over
on your day off.
 -- Doug Larson
%%
A cast of Alexander's forehead: the ridges of a warrior.
%%
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not
prove anything.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
A cat a day will keep the Salmon away!
%%
A cat always land on it's feet - unless ya tie a brick round it's neck.
%%
A cat and his owner see a relationship counselor:
He doesn't want you to run the vacuum cleaner or go out on dates.
 -- Nicole Hollander
%%
A cat by any other name is still a scheming little fur ball
that craps behind the couch.
%%
A catcher and his body are like an outlaw and his horse: You've got to ride
 that nag 'til it drops.
 -- Johnny Bench
%%
A Catholic took his Protestant friend to Mass and the Priest talked and
 talked and talked. In one of the few moments of silence, the Protestant
 visitor turned to his Catholic host and asked in a rather loud stage
 whisper which everyone heard, " What follows when the Priest quits?" And
 the Catholic rather sorrowfully replied, "Monday!"
%%
A cat is, above all things, an ingredient of Chop Suey.
%%
A cat is a terrible thing to waste...drive safely.
%%
A Cat is Easier to Train Than a Man.
%%
A cat is easier to train than a moderator.
%%
A cat is only domestic so far as suits its own needs.
%%
A Cat Is The Only Real Love Money Can Buy.
%%
"A cat killer?  Is that a face of a cat killer?
 Cat CHASER, maybe.  But hey -- who isn't?"
 -- The Far Side, by Gary Larson
%%
A cat may looke on a King.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. v
%%
A cat's best friend is his teddy bear.
 -- Garfield.
%%
A cat's courage is as strong as the dog's chain.
%%
A Catskill manhattan: a glass of beet soup with inside floating a small
 boiled potato.
 -- Mrs. Nussbaum (Minerva Pious)
%%
A cat's purr is the rumble of peace in the animal kingdom
 -- Rainey
%%
A cat's purr is the sound of it generating cute.
%%
A cat's worst enemy is a closed door.
%%
A cat will almost always blink when hit with a sledgehammer.
%%
A cat will assume the shape of its container.
%%
A cat will go "quack" - if you squeeze it hard enough.
%%
A cat without a hairball gland ... is only half a cat!
 -- Ren
%%
ACC: Advance CPU Clock
%%
Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
%%
Accept a miracle instead of wit,--
See two dull lines with Stanhope's pencil writ.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- To Mr. Pope, Epistle i, Lines written with the Diamond Pencil
 -- of Lord Chesterfield
%%
Acceptance by government of a dissident press is a measure of the maturity of
a nation.
 -- William O. Douglas
%%
ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
   An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
%%
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
 religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
 Western science.
 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%%
Accept finite disappointment, never lose infinite hope.
%%
Accept no substitutes!
%%
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
%%
Accept these grateful tears! for thee they flow,--
For thee, that ever felt another's woe!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xix, Line 319
%%
Access denied---nah nah nah nah nah!
%%
Access denied. Take a number and get in line..
%%
Access holes will be 1/2" too small
 -- Smith's Law of Computer Repair
Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
 -- Corollary
%%
Access Time:
The time between the instant at which information is called for, and
the instant at which management expects the final report.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Access to computers, and anything which might teach you comething
about the way the world workd, should be unlimited and total.
Always yield to the Hands-On imperative.
 -- Steven Levy
%%
Access to quick cash is a necessity for those spur-of-the-moment plans.
 -- from an IBM Southwest Federal Credit Union newsletter to members.
%%
ACCIDENTALLY STAINED DURING MOUNTING
accidentally dropped on the floor
 -- Research definitions
%%

Accident in Santa Cruz

At this place, August 15th, William D Farrand was shot in the thigh by
the accidental discharge of his pistol while he was in the act of
putting it in his pocket.  The wound is severe.
 -- From the Sacramento Daily Union of October 31, 1861
%%
Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good,
but absence of body is better.
%%
ACCIDENT, n.  An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable
natural laws.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Accidents are surprises set up by nature.
%%
Accidents can happen.
%%
Accidents cause History.
%%
Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
Accidents happen! Wear your seat belt!
%%
Accidents never happen.
%%
Accident unavoidable. Continue anyway?
%%
Accolade - An effervescent fruit cordial made from Accos.
%%
Accommodated; that is, when a man is, as they say, accommodated; or
when a man is, being, whereby a' may be thought to be accommodated,--which
is an excellent thing.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A C compiler ? You call THAT a C compiler ?
%%
ACCOMPLICE, n.  One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,
knowing him guilty.  This view of the attorney's position in the
matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one
having offered them a fee for assenting.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to
 your regular duties.
 -- Doug Larson
%%
Accomplishment is its own reward. Pride obscures it.
 -- Major Briggs, from Twin Peaks
%%
According as the man is, so must you humour him.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Adelphoe, Act iii, Sc. 3, 77, (431.)
%%
According to a judicial decision in New York, "A railway company
which negligently throws a passenger from a crowded car on a trestle
is held liable for injury to a relative who, in going to his rescue,
falls through the trestle."
%%
According to all the latest reports,
there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
%%
According to Descartes, "Dittoheads" don't exist...
%%
According to Descartes, Rush Limbaugh doesn't exist.
%%
According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
May frequently be
Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
%%
"According to Homer, Ithaca is an island surrounded by rough tides,
rocky shores, and otherwise man-breeding features.  But, considering
the kind of man Odysseus was, I don't blame you for not liking it."
 -- Ashley Barfield
%%
According to most parents, what their children are taking in college
 is...all they've got!
%%
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
%%
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
%%
According to my Doctor, patients ARE a virtue
%%
"According to my instruments -- they're preparing
 to jump into hyper-space... or go to warp drive...
 or something like that."
 -- Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points.
%%
According to Prof. TAA of MIT Tech, the rapidly changing magnetic
fields in the room are so intense as to cause you to be electrocuted.
I really don't know, but in any event, something has killed you.
%%
According to Prof. TAA of MIT Tech, the rapidly changing magnetic
fields in the room are so intense as to fry all the delicate innards
of the robot.  I really don't know, but in any event, smoke is coming
out of its ears, and it has stopped moving.
%%
According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't
 know who this fella is, but I know where to find him.
 -- Morey Amsterdam
%%
According to the ceremonial customs of Orthodox Judaism, it is officially
sundown when you cannot tell the difference between a black thread
and a red one.
%%
According to the current doctrines of mysticoscientism, we human animals are
really and actually nothing but "organic patterns of nodular energy composed
of collocations of infinitesimal points oscillating on the multi-dimensional
coordinates of the space-time continuum". I'll have to think about that.
Sometime. Meantime, I'm going to gnaw on this sparerib, drink my Blatz beer,
and contemplate the a posteriori coordinates of that young blonde over yonder,
the one in the tennis skirt, tying her shoelaces.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
        According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it
was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
%%
According to the latest official figures,
 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
%%
According to the law of the Medes and Persians.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Daniel vi, 12
%%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
%%
According to the proverb, the best things are the most difficult.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
beat up their city anytime.
 -- David Letterman, "Late Night with David Letterman"
%%
According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December
22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."
Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But
as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a
year.
%%
According to the Theory of Dubious Theories...
%%
Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.
%%
ACCORDION, n.  An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an
assassin.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ACCORD, n.  Harmony.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ACCOUNTABILITY, n.  The mother of caution.

    "My accountability, bear in mind,"
        Said the Grand Vizier:  "Yes, yes,"
    Said the Shah:  "I do -- 'tis the only kind
        Of ability you possess."
                                                            Joram Tate
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Accountants are good with figures.
%%
Accountants do it for profit.
%%
Accountants do it with balance
%%
Accountants do it with double entry.
%%
Accountants' minds are always in NumLock!
%%
Accountant - someone who can put two and two together and make a living
from it.
%%
ACCOUNTANTS!
Problems balancing the books?
Got a few figures you want to get rid of?
If *you've* got numbers that you'd like to disappear, why not call
FASCIST ARSON SERVICES. We'd be happy to burn any sensitive papers
or books you may have lying around. Ask about our very reasonable
Government building charges.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Accountants work their assets off.
%%
Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.
 -- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
%%
:accumulator: n. 1. Archaic term for a register.  On-line use of it
   as a synonym for `register' is a fairly reliable indication that
   the user has been around for quite a while and/or that the
   architecture under discussion is quite old.  The term in full is
   almost never used of microprocessor registers, for example, though
   symbolic names for arithmetic registers beginning in `A' derive
   from historical use of the term `accumulator' (and not, actually,
   from `arithmetic').  Confusingly, though, an `A' register name
   prefix may also stand for `address', as for example on the
   Motorola 680x0 family.  2. A register being used for arithmetic or
   logic (as opposed to addressing or a loop index), especially one
   being used to accumulate a sum or count of many items.  This use is
   in context of a particular routine or stretch of code.  "The
   FOOBAZ routine uses A3 as an accumulator."  3. One's in-basket
   (esp. among old-timers who might use sense 1).  "You want this
   reviewed?  Sure, just put it in the accumulator."  (See {stack}.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Accuracy and clarity of statement are mutually exclusive.
 -- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
%%
Accuracy is the twin brother of honesty; inaccuracy, of dishonesty.
 -- Charles Simmons
%%
Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can
always print a retraction.
 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
%%
Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right
%%
Accuracy of statement is one of the first elements of truth; inaccuracy
is a near kin to falsehood.
 -- Tyron Edwards
%%
Accurate fortune tellers should be shot.
%%
Accurate reckoning -- the entrance into the knowledge of all existing
things and all obscure secrets.
 -- Ahmes the Scribe (17th cent. B.C.)
%%
Accursed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the people.
%%
Accurst ambition, how dearly I have bought you.
 -- John Dryden
%%
Accuse, and so shall it be committed.
%%
Accuse fun-run organisers of discrimination.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Accuse not Nature: she hath done her part;
Do thou but thine.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 561
%%
ACCUSE, v.t.  To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a
justification of ourselves for having wronged him.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
accusing Bush/defending Clinton of lying.
 -- Liberal hypocrisy
%%
Accustomed to the veneer of noise, to the shibboleths of promotion,
public relations, and market research, society is suspicious of those
who value silence.
 -- John Lahr
%%
Accustom him to everything, that he may not be a Sir Paris, a carpet-knight,
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book i, Chap. xxv, Of the Education of Children
%%
ACCY MAJORS do it in numbers.
%%
ACDC: Allow Controller to Delete Contents
%%
ACDP: Allow Controller to Die Peacefully
%%
Ace: Doctor, we did good, didn't we?
       Doctor: Perhaps.   Time will tell.  Always does.
 -- Remembrance of the Daleks
%%
Ace Exterminating - We kill bugs. Dead walk-in's welcome.
 -- Sign at an office
%%
Ace, give me a can of that nitro-nine you're NOT carrying.
 -- 7th Dr.
%%
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A celebrity is someone who works hard all during life to attain
 recognition, and once having attained it, and finding out what it really is
 like, works for the remainder of his life trying to go about unrecognized.
%%
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any
hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.
 -- Carl Sagan, Contact
%%
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists
 are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
 -- Ronnie Corbett
%%
A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
 -- Granville Hicks (1901-1982)
%%
A centipede is an ant, made to government specs.
%%
A centipede is an inchworm that has switched to the metric system.
%%
ACEPHALOUS, adj.  In the surprising condition of the Crusader who
absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar
had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de
Joinville.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"A certain person may have, as you say, a wonderful
 presence: I do not know. What I do know is that he
 has a perfectly delightful absence."
 -- Idries Shah
%%
Ace: Sorry, Bongo, but lunch is ... on Mellie.
 -- Red Dwarf, 'Dimension Jump'
%%
Acetone = What you do in exercise class...
%%
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
%%
A chain of lynx; a peck of birds; a hoard of squirrels...
%%
A chair has no problems ... It's there; nobody bothers it.
It doesn't have to pay rent or get involved politically.
A chair can never stub its toe or misplace its earmuffs.
It doesn't have to smile or get a haircut, and you never
have to worry that if you take it to a party it will
suddenly start coughing or make a scene.  People just
sit in a chair, and when those people die other people
sit in it.
%%
A chair:        Technical support.
%%
A change came o'er the spirit of my dream.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Dream, Stanza 3
%%
...A change of clothes?
Of course, sir! I wouldn't forget a change of clothes!
Well, that's something. Let's see...a Robin Hood costume.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment
%%
A chap was sealed in a rocket ship and shot upwards to see how high he
 could go. He was told to keep track of the altitude, so he kept counting,
 20,000, 30,000, 100,000, 500,000. When he got this far, he said to himself,
 "Jesus Christ!" And a very soft voice answered back: "Yesssss?"
 -- Edna Purviance
%%
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.
%%
A Charter Member of the "New Wave" software!
%%
A chase always involves two parts: first breaking contact, second the
retiring action to divorce oneself from the incident.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
A chasm, evidently produced by an ancient river, runs through the
cave here.  Passages lead off in all directions.
%%
A cheap dominatrix offers bargain debasement.
%%
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
%%
A cheap thrill is still a thrill.
%%
Achh, me taglines!  They canna take namore, Captain.
%%
A chicken ain't nothin' but a bird.
%%
A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
 -- John Peers
%%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%%
"A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than a baby fur seal."
 -- Ted Nugent
%%
A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that
startles us.
 -- Emerson
%%
ACHIEVEMENT, n.  The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Achieve time control.
%%
A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only
 to be right but also to be wrong.
 -- Thomas Szasz
%%
A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
 -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
A child hasn't a grown-up person's appetite for affection. A little of it
 goes a long way with them; and they like a good imitation of it better than
 the real thing, as every nurse knows.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
A child is an angel looking like a clown.
 -- Thomas S. Monson
%%
A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a
perfectly good kitten.
 -- Doug Larson
%%
A child is a person who will try mightily to live up to whatever
 expectations you have of them, when you tell them what you expect.
%%
     A child is highly creative
     until he starts to school.
 -- STANLEY CZURLES
%%
A childless marriage is difficult, since there is a real strain in finding
 someone to blame for all the failures. There just are not enough folks to
 go around.
%%
A child miseducated is a child lost.
 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
A child of five would understand this.
 -- Send someone to fetch a child of five.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
A child of our grandmother Eve, a female; or, for thy more sweet understanding,
a woman.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A child prodigy knows not to bother with it.
%%
A child squeals real loud when picked up by the ears.
%%
A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running
after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself
come back.
 -- Arthur Miller, The Crucible
%%
A child's talent to endure, stems from a vast ignorance of the alternatives
 available to the child.
%%
A child tells in the street what its father and mother say at home.
 --  The Talmud
%%
A child, when it begins to speak, learns what it is that it knows
 -- John Hall Wheelock
%%
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
 -- Skoff's Law
%%
Achilles absent was Achilles still.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xxii, Line 418
%%
Achilles cannot defeat the tortoise if he thinks of space and time
 -- Paul Valery
%%
Achilles' wrath, to Greece the direful spring
Of woes unnumber'd, heavenly goddess, sing!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book i, Line 1
%%
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
%%
A choice is always possible, even without any options.
%%
A christian in this world is but gold in the ore; at death the pure
gold is melted out and separated and the dross cast away and consumed.
 -- Flavel
%%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did
 on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
 -- Thomas Ybarra
%%
A Christian is the highest style of man.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night iv, Line 788
%%
A chronic borrower begged an old friend to lend him a hundred dollars.
 "I'll pay it back the minute I return from Chicago," he promised. "Exactly
 what day are you returning?" the friend asked. The man shrugged. "Who's
 going?"
 -- Myron Cohen
%%
A chronic disposition to inquiry
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%%
A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.
%%
                        ACHTUNG!!!

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%%
Ach, twas a wee monster in the loch.
%%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
 Avoid him. He's a Commie.
%%
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag
 about it to persons who will never get there.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
"A church spire nestling among the trees... there's probably a
church there too."
 -- Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."
 -- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
%%
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
%%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%%
Acid rain dissolves styrofoam.
%%
Acid Rain - Not as groovey as it sounds.
%%
Acieeeeeed!
%%
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
%%
A circle is the longest distance to the same point.
 -- Tom Stoppard
%%
A circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of diabolical
knowledge.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
 -- Bill Vaughan
%%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
 -- Herbert Prochnow
%%
A city man is a home anywhere, for all big cities are much alike. But a
country man has a place where he belongs, where he always returns, and where,
when the time comes, he is willing to die.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Ack!!
%%
:ACK: /ak/ interj. 1. [from the ASCII mnemonic for 0000110]
   Acknowledge.  Used to register one's presence (compare mainstream
   *Yo!*).  An appropriate response to {ping} or {ENQ}.
   2. [from the comic strip "Bloom County"] An exclamation of
   surprised disgust, esp. in "Ack pffft!"  Semi-humorous.
   Generally this sense is not spelled in caps (ACK) and is
   distinguished by a following exclamation point.  3. Used to
   politely interrupt someone to tell them you understand their point
   (see {NAK}).  Thus, for example, you might cut off an overly
   long explanation with "Ack.  Ack.  Ack.  I get it now".

   There is also a usage "ACK?" (from sense 1) meaning "Are you
   there?", often used in email when earlier mail has produced no
   reply, or during a lull in {talk mode} to see if the person has
   gone away (the standard humorous response is of course {NAK}
   (sense 2), i.e., "I'm not here").
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
ACK and ye shall receive.
%%
ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.  To confess.  Acknowledgement of one another's
faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
%%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #33
%%
A clean basement means a cluttered garage.
%%
A clean conscience improves one's self-esteem.
%%
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
%%
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered mind.
%%
A clean disk is the sign of a sick computer.
%%
A clean disk is the sign of a warped drive.
%%
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
%%
A clean, neat, and orderly desk is a sure sign of a sick mind.
%%
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
 -- Diner's Dilemma
%%
A clear conscience is most often a sign of a bad memory.
%%
A clear conscience needs no public information officer.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A clere conscience is a sure carde.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, page 207
%%
A Clerk ther was of Oxenforde also.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 287
%%
A clever bluff, Agent N42, but not clever enough.  You see, right away I
 recognized your `pistol' as a cleverly disguised cigarette lighter.
%%
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
%%
A clever tagline is a good excuse for posting a message.
%%
A Clockwork Orange, the story of a young man whose principal
interests are rape, ultra-violence and Beethoven
%%
A closed mind doesn't need drugs. It is already wasted.
%%
A closed mind gathers no intelligence.
%%
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 -- Finster's Law
%%
A closed mouth gathers no flies.
%%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%%
A closed mouth maintains a happy mind.
%%
A close mouth catches no flies.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. xi
%%
A cloud cannot cast a shadow unless the sun is shining behind it.
%%
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%%
A cloud of darkness falls upon you.
%%
A cloud of gas puts you to sleep!
%%
A cloud of purple smoke appears, then clears away to reveal a tall
sorcerer wearing tacky shoes.  He makes a note of what you've just said,
and says "Be nice.  This is supposed to be a g-rated adventure."  He
then vanishes.
%%
A cloud of purple smoke forms before your very eyes, and dissipates
revealing a tall sorcerer in wireframe glasses and blue jeans.
he fixes you with a vicious glare and proclaims "Arson is not allowed in
this game.  Try it again and strict measures shall be taken.  You have
been warned."  He then vanishes into thin air.
%%
A cloud of purple smoke forms, blocking your way.  A voice booms out,
"Shop-lifting is not allowed in this game!"
%%
A cloud of purple smoke suddenly appears out of thin air.  You hear a
hollow voice say, "Please don't climb the walls."
%%
A cloud of witnesses.
 -- New Testament
 -- Hebrews xii, 1
%%
A clove of garlic a day keeps your best friends away.
%%
A clown is a clown and will always be a clown.
 -- Babbaluche the cobbler
%%
ACLU - American Criminal Liberties Union
%%
ACLU - American Criminals' Lobbyist Union
%%
ACLU - Association of Creepy Lawyers and Utopians
%%
ACLU mascot is a red Devil!
%%
ACME Space and Explosives - We can put anything in orbit!!!
%%
ACME Syringe Company - You got the right one baby! Uh Huh!
%%
A cock has great influence on his own dunghill.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 357
%%
A coin. Good. I will replicate one immediately.
 -- Data
%%
A cold Diet Coke and another Camel.
%%
A collaborative project: one in which individuals participate
voluntarily, cooperate freely, rotate authorship seniority and disagree
amicably, working on projects of no forseeable use to anyone.
%%
A COLLEAGUE - Someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
A college education shows a man how little other people know.
 -- Haliburton
%%
A college joke to cure the dumps.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Cassinus and Peter
%%
A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living.
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
A column about errors will contain errors.
 -- Bill Gold
%%
A comely olde man as busie as a bee.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues and his England, Page 252
%%
A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the
last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security
or insecurity of locks.  Many well-meaning persons suppose that the
discussion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks
offers a premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest.
This is a fallacy.  Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already
know much more than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of
roguery.  Rogues knew a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths
discussed it among themselves, as they have lately done.  If a lock -- let
it have been made in whatever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so
inviolable as it has hitherto been deemed to be, surely it is in the
interest of *honest* persons to know this fact, because the *dishonest*
are tolerably certain to be the first to apply the knowledge practically;
and the spread of knowledge is necessary to give fair play to those who
might suffer by ignorance.  It cannot be too earnestly urged,
that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better
for all parties.
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks,
-- published around 1850
%%
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly
 strangled.
 -- Sir Barnett Cocks
%%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A committee is an animal with a hundred stomachs and no brains.
%%
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man
can do in an hour.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
A committee is the only known form of life
with a hundred bellies and no brain.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
A committee is the safest place to pass the buck.
 -- Gary B. Wright
%%
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
 -- Kennedy's Comment on Committees
%%
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
 -- Parkinson
%%
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely
foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
 -- Douglas Adams
 -- Mostly Harmless
%%
A commune is where people join together to share
their lack of wealth.
 -- Richard M. Stallman
%%
A communist is a person who publicly airs his dirty Lenin.
 -- Jack Pomeroy
%%
A communist is like a crocodile:  when it opens its mouth you cannot
tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm.
 -- Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906), "An Enemy of the People", 1882
%%
A community of matter appears to exist throughout the visible universe,
for the stars contain many of the elements which exist in the Sun and
Earth.  It is remarkable that the elements most widely diffused through
the host of stars are some of those most closely connected with the
living organisms of our globe, including hydrogen, sodium, magnesium,
and iron.  May it not be that, at least, the brighter stars are like our
Sun, the upholding and energizing centres of systems of worlds, adapted
to be the abode of living beings?
 -- William Huggins
%%
A commuter is one who never knows how a show comes out
because he has to leave early to catch a train
to get him back to the country in time to catch a train
to bring him back to the city.
%%
A company in California has started to market "camouflage toilet paper"
for use in the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim
they have been shot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who
mistook them for white-tailed deer).
 -- from 'News of the Weird" in the San Jose Mercury News
%%
A company is judged by the president it keeps.
 -- James Hulbert
%%
A company is known by the people it keeps.
%%
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.
Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
 -- Robert Heinlein
%%
A complex system cannot be made to work. It either works or it doesn't.
%%
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that works....A complex system designed from scratch never
works and cannot be patched up to make it work.  You have to start over,
beginning with a working simple system.
 -- GRADY BOOCH--OBJECT ORIENTED DESIGN
%%
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
 -- Victor Hugo (1802-1885)
%%
A component's degree of reliability is directly proportional to it's ease of
accessibility (the harder it is to get to, the more often it breaks down).
 -- Johnathan Waddell
%%
A comprehended God is no God.
%%
A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way
that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
 -- Ludwig Erhard, in "The Observer", 1958
%%
A computer a day.....
%%
A computer addict needs 26 hours in a day, all 8 days of the week...
%%
A computer cuts your work in half and gives you back the bloody stumps.
%%
A Computer Date - A calculated risk.
%%
A computer error will cause your next paycheck to be for 37 cents.
%%
A computer is just a toy if it cannot run GNU Emacs
 -- Steven L. Baur
%%
A computer isn't expensive IF you pay enough for it.
%%
A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people
who were made redundant by the computer.
%%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
 -- Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ April, 1992
%%
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working
 20 years make.
%%
A computer may not be able to foul things up as well as a human being, but
 it does it much faster and with a great deal more efficiency.
%%
A computer program does what you tell it to do,
not what you want it to do.
%%
A Computer Programmer is a machine for turning Coke into code.
%%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%%
A computer, to print out a fact,
 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
 But this output can be
 No more than debris,
 if the input was short of exact.
 -- Gigo
%%
A computer without software just decorates your desk.
%%
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 -- Matz's Maxim
%%
A conclusion is what you've come to when you reach the point where you can't
think anymore.
%%
A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment:
What kind of work do you do? they were asked.
My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher, the wife replied.
Any children? asked a committee member.
Yes, 7 & 8 years old, the wife replied.
Animals? asked another committee member.
Oh no!  They're very well-behaved!
%%
A conference is
a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
A conference of Polish economists was convened.  It's object was to
try to find a way of increasing the value of the zloty.  One delegate
suggested that they drill four holes in them and sell them as buttons.
%%
"A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers
are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages"
 -- from a newspaper article
%%
A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether a circle is round.
   In a paper of Erdos
   written in Kurdish
A counterexample is found.
%%
A conqueror is always a lover of peace.
 -- Karl von Clausewitz (1780-1831)
               [from "On war"; copied by Lenin in his notebook,
              with notation, "Ah, Ah, witty".]
%%
A conscience cannot prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
 -- Harry Hershfield
%%
A Conscientious Conservative doesn't call his computer a PC.
%%
A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, March 17, 1845
%%
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
 the first time.
 -- Alfred E. Wiggam
%%
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
 -- Elbert Hubbard, "Epigrams"
%%
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.
 -- Woodrow Wilson
%%
A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile
the way he did.
 -- Gregory Nunn
%%
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has
never learned how to walk forward.
 -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)
%%
A conservative is a person who does not think that anything should be done
 for the first time.
%%
A conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed.
%%
A conservative is Society's version of a computer virus.
%%
A conservative sees a man drowning fifty feet from shore. The conservative
 throws the man a rope 25 feet long and tells the man to start swimming, all
 the while wondering where he is going to send the bill for the 25 feet of
 rope used in this effort. Just down the beach, a liberal sees a man
 drowning fifty feet from shore. The liberal borrows 50 feet of rope from a
 neighbor and throws this to the drowning man. He does not hold on to the
 end of the rope, since he is busily looking for someone else from whom he
 may borrow another fifty feet of rope, just to make sure that man has
 enough. The swimmer can hardly afford the conservative and can hardly
 survive the liberal.
%%
A conservative's generosity is limited to self.
%%
A conservative wears suspenders as well as an outside belt, and also an
 inside secret belt, for his money. He is against the Democrats for what
 they stand for and against the Republicans because they don't stand for
 what they should. He is for reform, which should come at some other time
 than right now, since there is no need for redress of the present and there
 is need to let the future take care of itself.
%%
A consistent fool minds little hobgoblins.
%%
A CONSULTANT - Any ordinary guy with a briefcase more than 50 miles from home.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
A consultant is a man who knows fifty marvelous ways to make love, but does
 not know a women to whom these charms may be applied.
%%
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
%%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what
 time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%%
A consultant is someone who asks their client what time it is, writes the
answer in a report and charges the client for the privilege.
%%
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvii, 15
%%
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
 -- John M. Dyer
%%
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
    A foot cost a quid --
 He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
%%
A contradiction in terms: >>User Friendly<<
%%
A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, death loses its sting..
 -- Edmund : Money
%%
"A cookie store is a bad idea.  Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
 -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
%%
A cook is only as good as his ingredients.
Delicious.
 -- Riker & Worf,  "Time Squared,"  stardate 42679.2.
%%
A cop asks for your identification, and you hand him your belt-buckle.
%%
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
damned things is ample.
 -- Rebecca West
%%
A Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.
 -- Master, The Five Doctors
%%
A couch is as good as a chair.
%%
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A country boy goes to the city to make enough money to retire and go
back to the country to live.
%%
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.
 -- German Proverb
%%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
A couple beer cans don't worry me.  It's those irresponsible ppl.
who're always leaving their barbed wire, dams, survey stakes, &c.
around the wilderness that disgust me.  i always feel obligated to
clean up after them.
 -- Dave Palmer, [e-mail]
%%
     A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just
been hung.  Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was
a poor job.  "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not,"
he finally said to her.
     "Exactly!" she replied.  "That's why you married me and I married
you!"
%%
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
 -- [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
%%
A couple of homeboys.
%%
A couple of lightyears can't part good friends.
 -- Robin's Law #103
%%
A couple of men go to rob a bank.  They back their car up to the doors
of the bank, tie a chain around the door handles, then around their
fender, then hit the gas.  The fender rips off the car and they panic
and speed away.  The police recovered the fender AND THE LICENSE PLATE
and tracked down the puzzled crooks.
%%
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
 -- Westheimer's Discovery
%%
A couplet short of a sonnet.
%%
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
%%
A court is a place where what was confused before becomes more unsettled
than ever.
 -- Henry Waldorf Francis
%%
A cousin of mine once said about money,
money is always there but the pockets change;
it is not in the same pockets after a change,
and that is all there is to say about money.
 -- Gertrude Stein
%%
Acoustic:  Instrument used in billiards...
%%
Acoustic - Some sort of instrument used in the playing of a game called
 pool.
%%
ACOUSTIC: What you play pool with.
%%
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
 -- Marvin Kitman
%%
A coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
A cowardly cur barks more fiercely than it bites.
 -- Quintus Curtius Rufus
%%
A cowboy is a farm boy in leather britches and a comical hat.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A cowboy is a hired hand on the middle of a horse contemplating the hind end
of a cow.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
   A cow comes flying over the battlements,  lowing aggressively.  The cow
   lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
A cow eats without a knife.
%%
ACQT: Advance Clock to Quitting Time
%%
ACQUAINTANCE, n.  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
but not well enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight
when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or
famous.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Acquire - A group of singers commonly found in churches.
%%
Acquire new knowledge whilst thinking over the old, and you may become a
teacher of others.
 -- Confucius
%%
A crane is calling in the shade.
Its young answers it.
I have a good goblet.
I will share it with you.
%%
A crank in armor will never harm her.
%%
A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.
%%
A crate of UZI's, a carton of whiskey...lets go to Disneyland!
%%
A crate of UZI's, a carton of whiskey...let's party!
%%
A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body?  With
 TENTACLES for arms?  Hunh.  Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct.
  Let's kill it.
%%
A crew member drinks - drink!
%%
A crew member is in casual clothes - drink!
%%
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient
capital to form a corporation.
 -- Howard Scott, Economist
%%
A criminal lawyer - is there any other kind?
%%
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing".
 -- Ferguson's Precept.
%%
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
 -- Whitney Balliet
%%
"A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing, clanging loudly and
vainly as the train goes by."
 -- Christopher Morley
%%
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
%%
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
%%
A "critic" is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified
to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is
unbiased-- he hates all creative people equally.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A critic is a person who knows the way but can't drive the car.
%%
A critic is to an author as a fungus to an oak.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
ACRONYM = Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning.
%%
Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to
make trivial ideas profound...........Q.E.D.
 -- Augustine's Law Number IX
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
Acronyms: Tools for the profusion of confusion (TFTPOC)
%%
Acrophobes get down.
%%
Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights
%%
Across the abyss.
%%
Across the walnuts and the wine.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Miller's Daughter
%%
A crucifix?  Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!
%%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen.
She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a
comparison.
%%
A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.
 -- Aesop (620-560 B.C.)
%%
A cry of alarm. Arms at evening and at night.
Fear nothing.
%%
Act casual and say NOTHING!
%%
Act immature at least three times a day.
%%
Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from
 coughing.
 -- Sir Ralph Richardson
%%
Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion.
 -- Kate Reid
%%
Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.
%%
Acting on assumptions is acting in ignorance & stupidity
%%
Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
%%
Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
%%
Act in your pauses.
 -- Ellen Terry (to Cedric Hardwicke)
%%
Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.
 -- Parkinson's XIIIth Law
%%
Action is eloquence.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Action is the last refuge of those who cannot dream.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Action is the proper fruit of knowledge.
 -- Thomas Fuller
%%
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without
action.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
Actions are neither as good nor as evil as impulses.
%%
Actions are the insipid reflections of our motives.
%%
Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.
%%
Actions from sanity are not necessarily from feeling.
%%
Action should culminate in wisdom.
 -- Bhagavad Gita
%%
Actions lie louder than words.
 -- Carolyn Wells
%%
Actions of the last age are like almanacs of the last year.
 -- Sir John Denham (1615-1668)
 -- The Sophy, A Tragedy
%%
Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.
 -- Dietrich Bonhoffer
%%
Actions speak louder than coaches.
%%
Actions speak louder than words -- but not so often.
%%
Actions speak louder than words.
 -- Proverb
%%
Action, to be effective, must be directed to clearly conceived ends.
 -- Jawaharial Nehru
%%
Action without study is fatal. Study without action is futile.
 -- Mary Beard
%%
Activation Energy:   The useful quantity of energy available in one cup
   of coffee.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Act like a cartoon character.  Most of your companions will be.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Act like you've been there before.
 -- Steve Jacobson, of Newsday, quoting Paul Brown,
 -- the famous football coach,
 -- on advice to his players who reached the end zone
%%
Act natural.
%%
Act now and get a FREE Cheese Grater!
%%
Act now and get a free gift with that tagline!
%%
Actor: Boris Karloff - Real name: William Henry Pratt
%%
Actor: Cary Grant - Real name: Archibald Leach
%%
Actor: Edward G. Robinson - Real name: Emmanual Goldenburg
%%
Actor Gary Busey, seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, was not
 wearing a helmet at the time. He says he does not believe that people need
 to wear such items, since he survived and he thus opposes laws requiring
 riders to wear any helmet. Says also he plans to go fishing for skyhooks in
 Laos when Europe is open after the war and that gas prices will reflect the
 loss of carrots. He fully expects the return of Nordac to Lauter and will
 not drink water during this time. Claims full recovery from accident, which
 he does not clearly seem to remember.
%%
Actor: Gene Wilder - Real name: Gerald Silberman
%%
Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
  everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford:        "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
    it!"
%%
Actor: John Wayne - Real name: Marion Morrison
%%
Actor: Kirk Douglas - Real name: Issur Danielovitch
%%
Actor: Richard Burton - Real name: Richard Jenkins Jr.
%%
Actor: Roy Rogers - Real name: Leonard Slye
%%
Actors aren't quite human, but then again, who is?
%%
Actors are the only honest hypocrites.
 -- Hazlitt
%%
Actors:  Bores to themselves, to others caviare.
 -- Phaedrus
%%
Actors do it in the lime light.
%%
Actors do it on camera.
%%
Actors do it on cue.
%%
Actors do it on stage.
%%
Actor:  So what do you do for a living?
Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
   dishes for Chinese restaurants.
 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
Actors play around.
%%
Actors pretend doing it.
%%
Actors should be overheard, not listened to, and the audience is fifty
 percent of the performance.
 -- Shirley Booth
%%
Actors stand on the side of the camera where the passage of time usually
hurts. Whereas directors stay on the side where it may help.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
Actor: Woody Allen - Real name: Allen Stewart Konigsberg
%%
Act quickly, think slowly.
 -- Greek Proverb
%%
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
 -- Oliver Herford (1863-1935)
%%
Act so in the valley that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
 -- A Danish proverb
%%
Actual and formal parameters must match in order, number, and type.
%%
ACTUALLY, adv.  Perhaps; possibly.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Actually, cats are QUITE good at domesticating people.
%%
Actually, I just got those from a book I read last week... "Sue Me".
%%
Actually, I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty
years.
 -- Monty Hall
%%
Actually it is an interplanetary greeting.
%%
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
%%
Actually, my usual form of transportation is a Warb.
%%
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all
 speeding.
%%
"Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for
doing Cerebus is to give wives and girlfriends of
comics fans at least one comic book they can read."
 -- Dave Sim
%%
"Actually the first fast-food franchise in the Soviet Union was supposed
to be Taco Bell, but it was called off the Soviet officials heard the Taco
Bell slogan: `RUN FOR THE BORDER!'"
 -- Jay Leno
%%
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
will be going in the right direction.  Proof by induction:

N=1.     Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator
    only have one floor to go to.

Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
    If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
       induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
   and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore,
       it is true for all N+1 floors.
QED.
%%
Actually, there IS a banana in my pocket...
%%
Actually, this all sounds like STACKS of trouble to me...
%%
Actually, we were going shopping.
 -- Dr. Crusher
%%
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Actual service conditions cannot be met in the laboratory.
 -- The RPCISPE's Fourth Universal Law
%%
Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
 -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
%%
Act upon your impulses, but pray that they may be directed by God.
 -- Emerson Tennent
%%
Act well at the moment, and you have performed a good action to all eternity.
 -- Lavater
%%
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber doesn't have hands when it's desperate.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber won't ask, How was it?
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A cult is a religion with no political power.
 -- Tom Wolfe
%%
A cup of hot wine with not a drop of allaying Tiber in 't.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it, unless by some
  miracle your Coffee Shop has started selling coffee.
 -- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : Ink and Incapability
%%
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.
%%
Acura: All Cars Usually Require Adjustment
%%
Acura: Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents
%%
Acura: Another Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?
%%
Acura: Any Child Understands Real Automobiles
%%
Acura: Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents
%%
Acura: Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
%%
A cure for bags under the eyes: sleep upside down and the bags will often
 work through to a less noticeable part of the body.
 -- Mary Dunn
%%
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
%%
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First he asked that the air-conditioning be turned up because he was too hot,
then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about
half an hour.  Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back
and forth and never once got angry.  So finally a second customer asked him
why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile, "we don't even have an
air conditioner."
%%
Acute Angle - A very attractive early Briton.
%%
A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,
That from a shelf the precious diadem stole,
And put it in his pocket!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
 -- Edgar A. Shoaff
%%
A cynic is one who will laugh at anything so long as it isn't funny.
%%
A cynic is only a frustrated optimist.
%%
A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist.
%%
A cynic's work is never done
%%
Ada --
        An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power
brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.  No other colors or
options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good
enough for you.  Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
design specification are starting to clear up.
%%
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon.  She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper.  She is quite talkative,
always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk.  You gotta
love her though, because the army says so.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
ADAGE, n.  Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A dagger in the back will cramp any wizard's style!
%%
Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.
 -- Codoso diBlini
%%
Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.
%%
ADA is the COBOL of the 80's.
%%
Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist.
 -- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
%%
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.  He didn't have to hear all
about the men she could've married, and she didn't have to hear all
about the dishes his mother cooked.
%%
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one
was that they escaped teething.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
ADAMANT, n.  A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.  Soluble in
solicitate of gold.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.
%%
Adam Had 'em.
(On the antiquity of microbes. claimed as the shortest poem.)
%%
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
%%
Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.
%%
Adam's sons, conceived all and born in sin.
 -- Proverb
%%
Adam the goodliest man of men since born
His sons, the fairest of her daughters Eve.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 323
%%
Adam to Eve: "Do you still love me?" Eve to Adam: "Who else?" (Original
 Joke involves same folks as Original Sin!)
%%
Adam to Eve -- "I'll wear the plants in this family."
%%
Adam was but human -- this explains it all.  He did not want the apple for
the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson"
%%
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody
had said it before him.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Adam West is tied to a giant waffle iron!  How will he escape?
%%
:Ada:: n. A {{Pascal}}-descended language that has been made
   mandatory for Department of Defense software projects by the
   Pentagon.  Hackers are nearly unanimous in observing that,
   technically, it is precisely what one might expect given that kind
   of endorsement by fiat; designed by committee, crockish, difficult
   to use, and overall a disastrous, multi-billion-dollar boondoggle
   (one common description is "The PL/I of the 1980s").  Hackers
   find Ada's exception-handling and inter-process communication
   features particularly hilarious.  Ada Lovelace (the daughter of
   Lord Byron who became the world's first programmer while
   cooperating with Charles Babbage on the design of his mechanical
   computing engines in the mid-1800s) would almost certainly blanch
   at the use to which her name has latterly been put; the kindest
   thing that has been said about it is that there is probably a good
   small language screaming to get out from inside its vast,
   {elephantine} bulk.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
A Daniel come to judgment! yea, a Daniel!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Ada programmers do it by committee.
%%
Ada programmers do it in packages.
%%
ADAPTABILITY:
 Excellent:      Walks on water
 Good:           Walks on water in emergencies
 Average:        Washes with water
 Fair:           Drinks water
 Poor:           Passes water in emergencies
%%
Adaptability is not imitation.  It means power of resistance and
assimilation.
 -- Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)
%%
Adapt. Enjoy. Survive.
%%
A daring juxtaposition of natural forms.
%%
A dark tunnel of fear.
%%
Ada! sole daughter of my house and heart.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 1
%%
ADA:
  Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
        Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness.
 -- Datamation (January 15, 1984)
%%
Ad astra per ardua nostra.
%%
Ad astra per aspera.
%%
A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between
 a date and a job interview is that there are not many job interviews where
 there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
 -- Jerry Seinfeld
%%
A daughter of the gods, divinely tall,
  And most divinely fair.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- A Dream of Fair Women, Stanza xxii
%%
Ada was invented because Vogon poetry wasn't deadly enough.
%%
A day after the faire.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. viii
%%
A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty
Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A day in the life of a message traffic cop...
%%
A day in thy courts is better than a thousand.
I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God,
than to dwell in the tents of wickedness.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm lxxxiv, 10
%%
A day late and a dollar short.
%%
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
%%
    A Day Off
So you want a day off. Let's look at what you are asking for. There are 365
days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year, in which you
already have two days off, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend
16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91
days available, You spend 30 min. each day on coffee break, that accounts for
23 more days each year, leaving only 68 days. With a one hour lunch each day,
you use up another 48 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
normally spend 2 days per year on sick leav. This leaves only 20 days available
for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, leaving only 15 days. We generously
give you 14 days vacation per year leaving you only 1 day available for work
and I'll be dammed if you're going to take that day off!!!
%%
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
%%
A Day Without Paronomasia, Is A Day Without Punshine.
%%
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
%%
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
%%
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
%%
ADB     Another Damn Bug [UNIX]
%%
AD&D:  15 Years as a Player.  14 Years as a Dungeon Master.
%%
Add a feature... Add a bug...
%%
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
 -- Ovid
%%
ADDER, n.  A species of snake.  So called from its habit of adding
funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Addiction - The process by which one becomes a dick.
%%
Adding manpower to a late project is like getting nine women pregnant in
hopes of obtaining a baby in one month.
%%
Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
 -- Brook's Law
%%
Adding up column after column of meaningless numbers.
%%
Add in some more bells and whistles.
%%
Add in some more bugs.
%%
"Addison, what are we going to do?"
  "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
   something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
   short initiation period."
 -- Dave and Maddie on Moonlighting
%%
"Addison, will you get serious!"
  "Serious?  I just had my hand on your behind; if I get any more serious,
   they'll move us to cable!"
 -- Addison and Maddy from "Moonlighting"
%%
Add one little bit on the end...  Think of 'potatoe,' how's it spelled?
You're right phonetically, but what else...?  There ya go... all right!
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's
 -- correct spelling of the word "potato"  during
 -- a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.
%%
AD&D players do it for the experience.
%%
Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts.
 -- H. H. Munro ("Saki") (1870-1916)
%%
Addresses are ordered by importance.
%%
Add roughage to human food by shedding in it.
 -- Cat Rule #8
%%
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
%%
A dead comic is at his wit's end...
%%
A dead dog cannot bite.
%%
A deadline has a marvelous ability to concentrate the mind.
%%
A deadline is negative inspiration. Still, it's better than
no inspiration at all.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
 -- Starting from Scratch: A Different Kind of Writer's Manual
%%
A dead lizard is a good thing to turn undead.
%%
A dead man cannot bite.
 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
%%
A deaf ear is the first symptom of a closed mind.
%%
A deal is a deal.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #16
%%
A deal of skimble-skamble stuff.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A death-bed 's a detector of the heart.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night ii, Line 641
%%
A debugged program is one for which you have
not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
 -- Jerry Ogdin
%%
A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans.  It is not a matter of
their training or their equipment.  It has to do with the quality of the
society we are asking them to risk death defending.  The metaphor of the
domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
is high.  San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
 -- William LeoGrande (NYT 3/9/83)
%%
A decent boldness ever meets with friends.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book vii, Line 67
%%
a. Decimal points are misplaced.
b. Positive powers of ten are in fact negative, and vice-versa.
This law is responsible for interesting results such as 40.8E-3 angstroms
for the earth's circumference, or 3.2E2 Gigafarads in and RLC circuit.
 -- Scientific Computations Law
%%
A decision is what you are finally forced to make when you can not find
 some dumb committee.
%%
A deed of dreadful note.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A deed without a name.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A degenerated and demoralizing musical system is given a disgusting
christening as 'swing' and turned loose to gnaw away the moral fiber
of young people... Jam sessions, jitterbugs and cannibalistic rhythmic
orgies are wooing our youth along the primrose path to Hell!
 -- the Archbishop of Dublique, 1938
%%
A deluge of words and drop of sense.
%%
A delusion, a mockery, and a snare.
 -- Lord Denman (1779-1854)
 -- O' Connell v, The Queen, 11 Clark and Finnelly Reports
%%
A demd, damp, moist, unpleasant body!
 -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
 -- Nicholas Nickleby, Chap. xxxiv
%%
A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only
 exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves
 largess out of the public treasury.
 -- Alexander Tyler, eighteenth-century Scottish historian
%%
A democracy is a government in the hands of men of low birth, no
property, and vulgar employments.
 -- Aristotle
%%
A Democratic nation, at least when organized to secure
the political rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,
can be a large and populous nation.
 -- Michael Scully
%%
A Democrat is someone who would be a Republican if he had the money.
%%
A denebian slime devil is a tribble built to Klingon specs.
%%
A dentist may decree that oil production increase, and a goose may
command that the Great Wall leap into the air.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A dentist's waiting room is a smartly furnished chamber of horrors.
 -- Shelley Berman
%%
A design is what a designer has when time and money run out.
 -- James Poole, chief architect for Disneyland
%%
"A desire not to butt into other people's business is at least eighty
percent of all human wisdom... and the other twenty percent isn't
very important."
"You butt into other people's business.  All the time."
"Who said I was wise?  I'm a professional bad example.  You can learn
a lot by watching me."
 -- Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein
%%
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.
%%
A desktop Cray for $10?  Is it PC compatible?
%%
A developer is someone who wants to build a cabin in the woods.
An environmentalist is someone who just did.
%%
A device selected at random from a group having 99% reliability,
will be a member of the 1% group.
%%
Ad for automobile air bags: "Inflation we can live with."
%%
:adger: /aj'r/ [UCLA] vt. To make a bonehead move with
   consequences that could have been foreseen with even slight mental
   effort.  E.g., "He started removing files and promptly adgered the
   whole project".  Compare {dumbass attack}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
ADHERENT, n.  A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects
to get.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
:ad-hockery: /ad-hok'*r-ee/ [Purdue] n. 1. Gratuitous assumptions
   made inside certain programs, esp. expert systems, which lead to
   the appearance of semi-intelligent behavior but are in fact
   entirely arbitrary.  For example, fuzzy-matching against input
   tokens that might be typing errors against a symbol table can make
   it look as though a program knows how to spell.  2. Special-case
   code to cope with some awkward input that would otherwise cause a
   program to {choke}, presuming normal inputs are dealt with in
   some cleaner and more regular way.  Also called `ad-hackery',
   `ad-hocity' (/ad-hos'*-tee/), `ad-crockery'.  See also
   {ELIZA effect}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
A diagnosis is what happens when the doctor tries to determine the
 condition of your pocketbook before he makes the determination of how sick
 to make you.
%%
A diamond is a girl's best friend, but you have to be friendly to get one!
%%
A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.
%%
A dictionary - Book with words for those who can't read...
%%
Adieu! adieu! my native shore
Fades o'er the waters blue.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto i, Stanza 13
%%
Adieu, she cried, and waved her lily hand.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Sweet William's Farewell to Black-eyed Susan
%%
A Dill Pickle makes a soggy bookmark.
%%
A dime saved is a dollar earned. The rest is Uncle Sam's.
%%
A dinner lubricates business.
 -- Lord Stowell (1745-1836)
 -- Life of Johnson (Boswell), Vol. viii, p. 67, note
%%
Adios, Amiga!
%%
A diploma only proves that you know how to look up an answer.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A diplomat and a stage magician are the two professions that have to have a
high silk hat. All the tricks that either one of them have are in the hat, and
all are known to other diplomats and magicians.
%%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
 fur coat.
%%
A diplomat is a man who says you have an open mind, instead of telling
you that you have a hole in the head.
%%
A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
 that you actually look forward to the trip.
 -- Caskie Stinnett
%%
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never
 her age.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
%%
A dirty book is seldom dusty.
%%
A dirty joke:  The boy fell into the mud!

A dirtier joke: A boy and a girl fell into the mud!

A more dirty joke: A boy and girl fell into the mud and stayed there!
%%
A dirty mind is a joy forever.
 -- Randy Kunkee
%%
A Dirty Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste.
%%
A dirty mind is, well, a wonderful thing.
%%
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
%%
A disc cannot be read as easily as a filing cabinet. Unless you have a
computer - which has problems reading a filing cabinet.
%%
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his
morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider,"because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper
that was offered him and put it into the toaster- "I wish the toaster to
be happy too".
 -- AI koan
%%
A disfiguring car accident will improve your looks.
%%
A disheveled adventurer stares back at you.
%%
A dish fit for the gods.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A dish full of all kinds of flowers:
You can't guess this riddle in two hours.
(Honey)
%%
A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you
didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable.
 -- Leslie Lamport, as quoted in CACM, June 1992
%%
A distributed system is one that stops you from getting any work done when a
 machine you've never even heard of crashes.
 -- Leslie Lamport (Attributed)
%%
A District of Columbia ordinance makes it unlawful for small
boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place.
%%
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
%%
Adjusting finances and making budgets won't help when you're broke.
%%
:admin: /ad-min'/ n. Short for `administrator'; very commonly
   used in speech or on-line to refer to the systems person in charge
   on a computer.  Common constructions on this include `sysadmin'
   and `site admin' (emphasizing the administrator's role as a site
   contact for email and news) or `newsadmin' (focusing specifically
   on news).  Compare {postmaster}, {sysop}, {system
   mangler}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Administration maintains the status quo.
 -- Thomas L. Martin
%%
ADMINISTRATION, n.  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to
receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.  A man of
straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Admirable, they died at their posts.
 -- Worf, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
ADMIRAL, n.  That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the
figure-head does the thinking.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Admiral, there be whales here...
 -- Scotty
%%
Admiration is a very short-lived passion, that immediately decays upon
growing familiar with its object.
 -- Joseph Addison
%%
Admiration is the daughter of innocence.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Admit it, man.  You're *really* a closet ditto-head, aren't you?
%%
Admit it-- you expected to see a copyright notice here.
%%
Admit it! You have no idea who I am!
%%
Admit nothing, deny everything, and launch counter-accusations.
%%
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
 and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%%
ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
%%
Admit your mistakes before someone exaggerates them for you.
%%
ADMONITION, n.  Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.  Friendly warning.

    Consigned by way of admonition,
    His soul forever to perdition.
                                                              Judibras
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ad Nauseam: Commercials that make you puke.
%%
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
 about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
 arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
 the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
 Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
 incredible surgical feat."
         The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
 Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
 that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
 architect."
         The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
 "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%%
A doctor can always bury his mistakes...
An architect can only advise his client to plant ivy.
 -- attributed to Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die
under his care.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
A dog is a dog, a bird is a bird, a cat is a person.
%%
A dog is a dog unless he is facing you; then he is Mr. Dog.
 -- Haitian Proverb
%%
A dog is man's best friend because he wags his tail, not his tongue.
%%
A dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer.
%%
A dog on the run can safely be kicked.
%%
A dog will look up on you;
a cat will look down on you;
however, a pig will see you eye to eye
and know it has found an equal.
 -- Churchill
%%
Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.
%%
Adolescence prepares parents to welcome the empty nest.
%%
Adolescence pressures boys to withdraw emotionally.
%%
ADOLESCENCE: The stage between puberty and adultery.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Adolesence is like a house on moving day:
   A temporary mess.
%%
A dollar earned is a penny saved... after Clinton.
%%
A dollar's a bad boss, and dying's a bad fear.
%%
A doll is a doll is a doll.
 -- F. Sinatra
%%
Adolph Hitler committed suicide. Neo-Nazis: Follow your leader.
%%
Adonai Yireh ha motzi lechem min ha-aretz.
%%
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
%%
A door is something you're on the wrong side of when you're too short to
 reach the knob. When you are tall enough to reach the knob, a door is
 something you have left open if it's supposed to be closed, or closed if
 it's supposed to be open. You can't win. Whichever you do, you have done it
 wrong. So close all open doors and open all closed doors. You will still be
 wrong but you will be busy.
 -- Robert Paul Smith
%%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
 -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
A door that seems to stand open must be of a man's size, or it is not
 the door that Providence means for him.
 -- Henry Beecher
%%
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
 -- Gilda Radner
%%
Adopt me  Or I'll KILL YOU (Skitz)
%%
ADORE, v.t.  To venerate expectantly.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A drawing pin is an excited Smartie.
%%
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his
punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
A dreamer lives for eternity.
%%
A dream itself is but a shadow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
A dream of a galaxy WITHOUT war.
%%
A dream?   Really, Doctor. [ You'll be consulting the entrails of a
sheep next.]
 -- Brigadier, The Time Monster
%%
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
 -- Francoise Sagan
%%
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
 -- James H. Boren
%%
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A dropped tool will land where it will do the most damage.
 -- The Law of Selective Gravitation
%%
A drowning man will catch at a straw.
 -- Proverb
%%
A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat,
will produce a scientific report.
 -- Matz' Rule Regarding Medications
%%
A drunkard clasp his teeth and not undo 'em,
To suffer wet damnation to run through 'em.
 -- Cyril Tourneur (c. 1600)
 -- The Revenger's Tragedy, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A drunkard is like a whiskey bottle; all neck and belly and no head.
 -- Austin O'Malley
%%
 A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
 -- Harver's Law
%%
A drunk tried several times to navigate a revolving door, but finally gave
 up in disgust. He wandered over to lean against a nearby lamppost. A man
 came along the street and walked into the door. As it revolved, the other
 side revealed a pretty girl stepping out. The drunk looked intently at her
 and remarked, "It's a good trick, but I still don't see what the guy did
 with his clothes!"
 -- Victor Borge
%%
A dry poplar sprouts at the root.
An older man takes a young wife.
Everything furthers.
%%
A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere.
%%
A dry soul is wisest and best.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
A duel of wits? With you? I never attack anyone who us unarmed!
%%
"A duel to the death!"
  "Dr. Science!"
"Okay, until we get tired
 and grumpy."
 -- From the DR. SCIENCE TV show
%%
A Dukakis aide walked into the meeting with the poll results from the
Quayle-Bentsen debate and presented Dukakis with the results......

"We got some good news and some bad news sir.  The good news is that Bentsen
won the debate hands down and it looks like 80 percent of those polled would
vote for the democratic ticket."

"well, that's great news!  What could be so bad after hearing news like that?"

"Almost all of that 80 percent said they would shoot you after the election."
%%
A dull mind, once arriving at an inference that flatters a desire,
is rarely able to retain the impression that the notion from which
the inference started was purely problematic.
 -- George Eliot
%%
A dull summer evening can be eliminated by one little ole hungry mosquito!
%%
A dull thump is heard in the distance.
%%
Adult:  A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
%%
Adultery is a most conventional way to rise above the conventional.
%%
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
ADULTERY:
     Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%%
Adultery - two wrong people doing the right thing.
%%
Adult GIF files are meant for testing monitors!!
%%
Adult, n.:
   One old enough to know better.
%%
... Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.
 -- Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel (as quoted in his obit in Time)
%%
Adults aren't wiser than children, just better liars.
%%
Adults die young.
%%
Advance and attack!   Attack and destroy!  Destroy and rejoice!
 -- Daleks, The Chase
%%
Advanced BASIC
 -- Oxymoron
%%
ADVANCED DESIGN ............ Upper management doesn't understand it
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
:ADVENT: /ad'vent/ n. The prototypical computer adventure game, first
   implemented on the {PDP-10} by Will Crowther as an attempt at
   computer-refereed fantasy gaming, and expanded into a
   puzzle-oriented game by Don Woods.  Now better known as Adventure,
   but the {{TOPS-10}} operating system permitted only six-letter
   filenames.  See also {vadding}.

   This game defined the terse, dryly humorous style now expected in
   text adventure games, and popularized several tag lines that have
   become fixtures of hacker-speak:  "A huge green fierce snake bars
   the way!"  "I see no X here" (for some noun X).  "You are in a
   maze of twisty little passages, all alike."  "You are in a little
   maze of twisty passages, all different."  The `magic words'
   {xyzzy} and {plugh} also derive from this game.

   Crowther, by the way, participated in the exploration of the
   Mammoth & Flint Ridge cave system; it actually *has* a
   `Colossal Cave' and a `Bedquilt' as in the game, and the `Y2' that
   also turns up is cavers' jargon for a map reference to a secondary
   entrance.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Adventure. Excitement. A sysop craves not these things.
%%
Adventure is not outside a man; it is within.
 -- David Grayson
%%
Adventure is the champagne of life.
%%
ADVENTURE: The land between entertainment and panic.
%%
Adversity borrows its sharpest sting from our impatience.
 -- Bishop Horne
%%
Adversity has ever been considered the state in which a man most easily
becomes acquainted with himself.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous
circumstances would have lain dormant.
 -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand
prosperity there are a hundred that will stand adversity.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Heroes and Hero-Worship, The Hero as a Man of Letters
%%
Adversity is the first path to truth.
 -- Lord Byron
%%
Adversity makes a man wise, not rich.
 -- Romanian proverb
%%
Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.
 -- Victor Marie Hugo
%%
Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it.
 -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Adversity's sweet milk, philosophy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own
 ass?
%%
Advertisement in the Eagle, newspaper of the American University:
"ACCURATELY YOURS Professional Word Processing Company.
Open 24 hours every day."
New Yorker comment: "Maybe you need a little rest."
%%
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
Advertisers use the "new, improved" method.
%%
Advertising Anachronism: "Fresh Frozen"
%%
Advertising copy.  Where sentences are replaced by participle phrases.
Noun phrases.  And dangling conjunctions.  Bleah.
 -- K<bob>
%%
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
 -- Sinclair Lewis
%%
Advertising is legalized lying.
 -- H. G. Wells
%%
Advertising is selling by telling.
 -- Gary B. Wright
%%
Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths.
%%
Advertising is the art which promotes the idea within your head that you
 have wanted all your life something you have never even heard of before
 this time.
%%
Advertising is the foot on the accelerator, the hand on the throttle,
the spur on the flank that keeps our economy surging forward.
 -- Robert W. Sarnoff
%%
Advertising is the life of trade.
 -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)
%%
Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
 -- Mary Wells [advertising executive]
%%
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
 -- George Orwell (1903-1950)
%%
ADVERTISING MAJORS do it with style.
%%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
 -- Stephen Butler Leacock
%%
Advertising must be trite--it's the law of the jingle.
%%
Advertising promotes that divine discontent which makes people strive to
improve their economic status.
 -- Ralph S. Butler
%%
"Advice after injury is like medicine after death."
 -- Danish proverb
%%
Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it
is bad.
%%
Advice is a dangerous commodity.
%%
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
%%
Advice is always available when its not wanted.
%%
Advice is least heeded when most needed.
 -- Proverb
%%
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful to take.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
Advice is like mushrooms; if you aren't careful, you will
get a lot of B.S.
%%
Advice is like snow -- the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon,
and the deeper in sinks into the mind.
 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
Advice is probably the only free thing which people won't take.
 -- Lothar Kaul
%%
Advice is usually worth what it cost.
%%
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we
didn't.
 -- Erica Mann Jong
%%
ADVICE, n.  The smallest current coin.

    "The man was in such deep distress,"
    Said Tom, "that I could do no less
    Than give him good advice."  Said Jim:
    "If less could have been done for him
    I know you well enough, my son,
    To know that's what you would have done."
                                                         Jebel Jocordy
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Advice:  the smallest current coin.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant,
 you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other one of
 you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go overboard with it. I
 mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating
 for is Orson Welles.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
Advice to persons about to marry - DON'T!
%%
Advice to worms:  Sleep late.
%%
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be asceptic.
%%
Advice void, if I'm incorrect!
%%
Advise is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most, like it the
least.
 -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
[Advise] the ruler to govern the state as one cooks a small fish --
that is, don't turn it so often in the pan that it disintegrates.
 -- Lao Tzu
%%
Advise to a young lawyer: When you have no basis for an argument,
abuse the plaintiff.
%%
Advise well before you begin, and when you have maturely considered,
then act with promptitude.
 -- Sallust
%%
Advisor: The guy who told you how to screw up
%%
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
 Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its
 Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
 Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
 Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
%%
ADVthanksANCE       <===== a "little" thanks "in" advance.
%%
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A dwarf on a giant's shoulders sees farther of the two.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
Adweanne
 -- Rocky
%%
A dyslectic athiest has set out to prove that there is no dog.
%%
A Dyslexic wrote the following poster for a fundraiser:

 SUPPORT DAILYSEX.
%%
AEE: Absolve Engineering Errors
%%
Aelborne: "Captain, since it is too late for you to escape, perhaps we should
  do something about protecting you."
 -- "Errand Of Mercy", Stardate 3198.4
%%
Aelborne: "Commander, I assure you, our people want nothing but peace.
 We shall
  cause you no trouble."
Kor: "I am sure you will not."
 -- "Errand Of Mercy", Stardate 3201.7
%%
Aelborne: "I am Aelborne."
Kirk: "I am Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise, representing the
  United Federation of Planets.  This is my first officer, Mister Spock."
Aelborne: [To Spock]  "You're most welcome, my friend."
 -- "Errand Of Mercy", Stardate 3198.4
%%
Aelborne: "Welcome."
Kirk: "Reception committee?"
Spock, "It would seem so."
 -- "Errand Of Mercy", Stardate 3198.4
%%
Aelborne: "What you're saying, Captain, is that we seem to have a
choice between
dealing with you or your enemies."
Kirk: "No, sir. With the Federation, you have a choice. You have none with the
Klingons. The Klingons are a military dictatorship.  War is their way of
life. Life under the Klingon rule would be very unpleasant."
 -- "Errand Of Mercy", Stardate 3198.4
%%
Aelborne: "You are our visitors. Welcome, welcome."
 -- "Errand Of Mercy", Stardate 3198.4
%%
Aerobics instructors do it until it hurts.
%%
Aerodynamics are for people who cannot build engines.
 -- Enzo Ferrari
%%
AEROSPACE ENGINEERS do it with lift and trust.
%%
Aesthetics are more important than efficiency.
%%
Aether propagates banality.
%%
A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought.
 -- Lord Peter Wimsey (Dorothy L. Sayers, Gaudy Night)
%%
A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes.
It is innocent, unless found guilty.
A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe.w
It is guilty, until found effective.
 -- Edward Teller
%%
A fading corridor enlightens your insight.
%%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
 -- Klipstein's Fourth Law of Production
%%
A failure is not always a mistake; it may simply be the
best one can do under the circumstances.  The real mistake is
to stop trying.
 -- B.F. Skinner
%%
A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.
 -- Klipstein's Sixth Law of Production
%%
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 267
%%
A Fairway on the Golf Course is a narrow strip of mown grass that separates
 two groups of golfers who are out looking for lost balls in the rough.
%%
A faithful and good servant is a real godsend; but truly 't is a rare
bird in the land.
 -- Martin Luther (1483-1546)
 -- Table-Talk, clvi
%%
A faith-holder puts himself below his faith and lets it guide his actions.
The fanatic puts himself above it and uses it as an excuse for his actions.
 -- Gordon Dickson, Chantry Guild
%%
A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many
regrets.
 -- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
A faith worse than death is better than death!
%%
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
she deserved.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A falcon, towering in her pride of place,
Was by a mousing owl hawk'd at and kill'd.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.
 -- Theodore M. Bernstein
%%
 A false witness will not go unpunished,
 and he who pours out lies will not go free.
 -- Proverbs 19:5
%%
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control!
%%
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the
Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor."  The Hacker then quickly
pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
%%
A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the
facts in the case.
%%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
A fanatic is one who puts twice as much effort toward his goal than anyone
 else, and once having gotten started, forgets where it is that he was
 headed for with all that effort.
%%
A Farewell to Arms.
 -- Jeffrey Dahmers Cookbook
%%
A farmer had a son who went to New York and became a bootblack.
Now the farmer makes hay while the son shines.
%%
A farmer is always going to be rich next year.
%%
A fast and efficient time-sharing system isn't.
 -- Murphy's Ninth Law of Programming
%%
A fate worse than death: to be married alive.
%%
A father doesn't destroy his children.
 -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
%%
A father in Georgia called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct
the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss".
%%
A father is usually a banker provided by nature.
%%
A father, Princeton alumnus, was quite a grouch. His son had finished his
 first term and said that his grades were next to the top of his class.
 "Next to the top?" the father exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'm not sending
 you to college to be NEXT! Why aren't you the top?"

 The son was crestfallen. He studied harder, and the next semester he
 announced to his father that he was indeed the top of his class. The father
 looked at him for a moment and shrugged. "At the head of your class, eh?
 Well, that's a fine commentary on Princeton University!"
 -- Alan Young
%%
A father's first right--fathering
%%
A faultless body and a blameless mind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book iii, Line 138
%%
A fault recognized is half corrected.
%%
A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
%%
A fav'rite has no friend!
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- On the death of a Favourite Cat
%%
A feast of fat things.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xxv, 6
%%
A feature is a bug with seniority.
 -- Dave Bartley
%%
A feeling all persons detest
Although 'tis by everyone felt
By two letters fully expressed
By twice two, invariably spelt
 Envy (N-V)
%%
A feeling of sadness and longing
  That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
  As the mist resembles the rain.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Day is done
%%
A fella's talking to his priest. He said, "I gave up sex for Lent ... Well,
 I tried to, but the last day of Lent my wife dropped a can of peaches and
 when she bent over to pick 'em up, I couldn't help it."

 The priest said, "That's all right, son, a lot of people give in to
 temptation." He said, "You're not gonna throw us out of church?" The priest
 said no. He said, "Well, thank goodness. They threw us out of the
 supermarket!"
 -- George "Goober" Lindsey
%%
A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind.
 -- Garrick
%%
A fellow in a market town,
Most musical, cried razors up and down.
 -- John Wolcot (1738-1819)
 -- Farewell Odes, Ode iii
%%
A fellow of no mark nor likelihood.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every
thing handsome about him.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, "I've been
 going for three months."

 I said, "How many successful jumps do you need to make before you
 graduate?"

 He said, "All of them."
 -- Red Skelton
%%
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
A female character has flawless makeup after a battle - drink!
%%
A female Sysop is a Sysopette!
%%
A ferret in the hand...will probably bite you.
%%
A ferret in the trousers is worth two in the bush.
%%
A ferret is God's way of telling you NOTHING is child-proof!
%%
A ferret is like a computer virus, it gets into everything.
%%
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
%%
A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
%%
A few books are alright, like wine, but too much can be bad.  Books
break down brains.
%%
A few can touch the magic string,
  And noisy Fame is proud to win them;
Alas for those that never sing,
  But die with all their music in them!
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Voiceless
%%
A few clowns short of a circus.
%%
A few days ago, I overheard one very old women say to the other
"I haven't seen you for so long,  I thought you were dead!"
%%
A few feet away lie some platinum bars.
%%
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
%%
A few more questions, Mr. Computer.
%%
A few munce ugo i cudn't evin spel, now i ar won.
%%
A few open splices.
%%
A few peas short of a casserole.
%%
A few pickles short of a jar.
%%
A few pies short of a holiday.
%%
A few planes short of an Air Force.
%%
A few revisions behind.
%%
A few rigs short of a full shack...
%%
A few spoons short of a full set.
%%
A few thousand rads never hurt anybody.
%%
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
%%
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
%%
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
%%
A few yards short of the hole.
%%
AFF: Add Fudge Factor
%%
Affairs with Nymphs are often very expensive.
%%
Affcot (n.)
 The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.
%%
Affection, like melancholy, magnifies trifles; but the magnifying of the
one is like looking through a telescope at heavenly objects; that of the
other, like enlarging monsters with a microscope.
 -- Leigh Hunt
%%
AFFIANCED, pp.  Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Affirmative action rewards underachievement.
%%
Affix stamp, post office will not deliver without postage.
%%
Afflicted, or distressed, in mind, body, or estate.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- Prayer for all Conditions of Men
%%
Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us
sorry but wise.
 -- Henry Ward Beecher
%%
Affliction, like the iron-smith, shapes as it smites.
 -- Christian Nestell Bovee
%%
Affliction may one day smile again; and till then, sit thee down, sorrow!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
AFFLICTION, n.  An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for
another and bitter world.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Affliction's sons are brothers in distress;
A brother to relieve,--how exquisite the bliss!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- A Winter Night
%%
AFHB: Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
%%
A field upgrade, HAL. We're going to make you IBM compatible.
%%
A fierce wind blows the map out of your hands and rips the sail! you
barely manage to make it to the island.  You'd best do something . . .
%%
A fiery soul, which, working out its way,
Fretted the pygmy-body to decay,
And o'er-inform'd the tenement of clay.
A daring pilot in extremity;
Pleas'd with the danger, when the waves went high
He sought the storms.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 156
%%
A fig for those by law protected,
Liberty's a glorious feast;
'Courts for cowards were erected,
Churches built to please the priest.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
%%
A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.
%%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%%
A file is the response of a computer when it is asked how you can lose just
 about everything, systematically.
%%
A file server could not be found.  (A)bort (R)etry (D)ie?
%%
A filker is a person who messes with songs...
%%
A filthy Data is Gunked, hosed down and sand blasted.
%%
A find is a terrible thing to waste!
%%
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
 A tax is a fine for doing something right.
%%
A finely polished brass bell is sitting here.
%%
A fire eater must eat fire even if he has to kindle it himself.
 -- Salvor Hardin
%%
A fit of anger is as fatal to dignity as a dose of arsenic to life.
 -- Dr. Holland
%%
A five-year-old kid raised his hand at school. The teacher declined to let
 him leave the room. Five minutes later she reversed herself. She said, "All
 right, Sonny, you may go now."

 The little boy looked up and said, "I don't have to."

 She said, "What do you mean you don't have to?"

 He said, "I opened up my geography book and went in the ocean."
 -- Norm Crosby
%%
:AFJ: // n. Written-only abbreviation for "April Fool's Joke".
   Elaborate April Fool's hoaxes are a long-established tradition on
   USENET and Internet; see {kremvax} for an example.  In fact,
   April Fool's Day is the *only* seasonal holiday marked by
   customary observances on the hacker networks.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
A flashlight is a case in which to carry dead batteries.
%%
A flat case as plain as a pack-staff.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Family of Love, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
A flattering painter, who made it his care to draw men as they ought
to be, not as they are.
 -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
A flea and a fly in a flu
Were imprisoned, so what could they do.
    Let us flee said the fly.
     Let us fly said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flu. <classic>
%%
A flower short of an arrangement.
%%
A flower, when offered in the bud,
  Is no vain sacrifice.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xii
%%
A flush is better than a full house.
 -- Sign Seen On Plumbers Truck
%%
A fly bit the bare pate of a bald man, who in endeavouring to crush
it gave himself a hard slap. Then said the fly jeeringly, "You wanted
to revenge the sting of a tiny insect with death; what will you do
to yourself, who have added insult to injury?"
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book v, Fable 3, 1
%%
A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
%%
A flying drop kick breaks your jaw.
%%
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
 -- Ken's Law
%%
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
%%
A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.
 -- Katherine Whitehorn
%%
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him.
 -- Nicolas Bolleau-Despreaux
%%
A fool and her money are soon courted.
%%
A fool and his computer are soon parted.
%%
A fool and his ferret are soon parted.
%%
A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
%%
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
%%
A fool and his modem are soon ported.
%%
A fool and his money are fun.
%%
A fool and his money are invited everywhere.
%%
A fool and his money are my best friends.
%%
A fool and his money are my two favorite people.
%%
A fool and his money are never around when you need them.
%%
A fool and his money are soon elected.
 -- Walton's Law of Politics
%%
A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
%%
A fool and his money are soon parted.
%%
A fool and his money are soon parted, but nobody can part a two-dollar
 toupee.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
A fool and his money are soon parted.  What I want to know is how
they got together in the first place.
 -- Cyril Fletcher, BBC radio program 28 May 1969
%%
A fool and his money are soon partying.
%%
A fool and his money are soon popular.
%%
A fool and his money are SYSOP material.
%%
A fool and his money can go places, especially if they meet the right
 travel a gent.
%%
A fool and his money get special attention on a television show showing you
 how to make millions on transactions without investing any money. The only
 investment you will make, in fact, is in the instructional materials
 designed to help you pull off this accomplishment. What they tell you is
 that you are going to get something for nothing, and what you do is give
 something for nothing.
%%
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
%%
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
%%
A fool and his money soon become a Sysop!
%%
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
%%
A fool and his words are soon parted.
 -- William Shenstone
%%
A fool and your money are soon partners.
 -- Tingler's Law of Monetary Equalization
%%
A fool and your money will soon run for President!!!!!
%%
A fool does not ask questions for fear of exposing his ignorance.
%%
A fooles bolt is soone shot.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. iii
%%
A fool has no business inside a balloon.
 -- Herb Sargent
%%
A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain:
everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
 -- Professor Leader W. Matsch
%%
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title; it teaches men to call
him Count and Duke, and to forget his proper name of Fool.
 -- Crowne
%%
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
%%
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by
little statesmen and philosophers and divines.  With consistency a
great soul has simply nothing to do.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) Essays: First Series (1841) "Self-Reliance"
%%
A fool knows everything and nothing.
%%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
 elephant.
%%
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition,
and art
into pedantry.  Hence University education.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
A fool with a tool is a well-equipped fool.
%%
A foot in the door is worth two on the desk.
%%
A force keeps you from taking the bodies.
%%
A formal education can sometimes be broadening but more often merely flattens.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
 -- D. Gries
%%
A form of open-mindedness is the pathway to wisdom. Close your mind and you
 open the way for ignorance to flourish, but you will never even know it.
%%
A forted residence 'gainst the tooth of time
And razure of oblivion.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
%%
a fortune in radioactive scrap
%%
A foutre for the world and worldlings base!
I speak of Africa and golden joys.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
AFP: Abnormalize Floating Point
%%
AFR: Abort Funny Routine
%%
A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
%%
Afraid of falling piercers? Wear a helmet!
%%
Afraid of Mimics? Try to wear a ring of true seeing.
%%
Afraid to know, what lies behind the stare.
%%
A free agent is anything but.
%%
A free agent is anything but.
 -- Murray's Rule of Basketball
%%
A freely available QWK reader!
%%
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers, whom it
regards as its servants, at any time.
 -- Harry V. Jaffa
%%
A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A Frenchman is credited with the invention of the sure cure for that age
 old malady which has been the enemy of folks for centuries, gray hair. The
 cure, while relatively simple, is admittedly somewhat drastic. It is called
 the guillotine. One application seems to solve the problem each and every
 time.
%%
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
 when you're really thinking about a mother.
 -- Cliff Claven, Cheers
%%
A Freudian slip may be revealing, but a Jungian slip is
just a mythstake
%%
Africa is God's country, and he can have it. Well, sir, we left New York
 drunk and early on the morning of February 2. After fifteen days on the
 water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. The
 first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven. This
 was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were in
 bed at six-thirty ... One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he
 got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks, but
 they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in
 Alabama, the Tuskaloosa. But that's entirely irrelephant to what I was
 talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls--but they weren't
 developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks.
 -- Groucho Marx (in Animal Crackers)
%%
AFRICAN, n.  A nigger that votes our way.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Africa was very interesting.  I behaved very oddly there.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
A friend asks only for your time, not your money.
%%
A friend in need is a pain in the ass.
%%
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
%%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
%%
A friend in power is a friend lost.
%%
A friend is a man who has the same enemies you have.
 -- Stephen Leacock
%%
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think
aloud.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Essays", 1841
%%
A friend is a present you give to yourself.
%%
A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart,
chaff and grain alike.  Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take
and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness,
blow the rest away.
%%
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
%%
A friend is someone who likes you in spite of yourself.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view.
 -- Wilma Askinas
%%
A friend is someone who understands your past,
believes in your future,
and accepts you just the way you are today.
%%
A friend is something you earn.
%%
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity
 -- Proverbs 17:17
%%
A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Friendship"
%%
A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five,
that his life line was extremely short.  When he tried to lengthen it (with
his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death.
%%
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours
 before I realized it had a scratch on it.
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll
 just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
 -- Steven Wright
%%
A friend of mine is taking a sign language course.  We were sitting around
with some other friends the other night and someone asked her "Why are you
taking sign language?"  My dead-pan answer: "It's a prerequisite for Italian"
%%
A friend of mine made some very light and exceedingly dry white wine. He
 invited me to taste it, and it not only lacked color and body, but taste.
 "Well," he said, "what do you think of my white wine?" And I responded
 "Albino wine before it's time."
%%
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
 Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing
women- all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
%%
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular
truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of
commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After
several days the phone company was again contacted and told that there
was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine--except that all
money was being returned upon completion of each call.
  A repairman arrived within the hour !!
%%
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than
he hates his wife.
%%
A friend's beer is a good beer.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded
on friendship.
 -- John D. Rockefeller, Jr.
%%
A friendship that like love is warm;
  A love like friendship, steady.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- How shall I woo?
%%
A friend should bear his friend's infirmities,
But Brutus makes mine greater than they are.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody.
%%
A friend told me to shoot first and ask questions later.  I was going to
ask him why, but I had to shoot him.
 -- John Wayne on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
%%
A friend, very much in shape and well muscled, often given to quoting the
 idiomatic expression of the gym "No pain, no gain," goes to the K-Mart,
 rides around the parking lot looking for a place close to the entrance for
 five to seven minutes, so he won't have to walk too far to get in the
 store.
%%
 (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she
 went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message.  In
 a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:)  Hi,
 this is Kathy.  I'm not myself right now.  If you leave your
 name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.
 -- Answering machine madness - miscellaneous
%%
A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
to install your new TV antenna, which is the biggest son of a bitch
you ever saw.
%%
A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of life
insurance coverage you did for the half the price and his is non-cancelable.
%%
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
%%
A frigid beer is a good beer.
%%
After 21 years they can't kill the Doctor now!
%%
After 40 its patch, patch, patch
%%
After a certain number of years, our faces become our biographies.
%%
After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add
two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
%%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
more advanced than the lichen family.
 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
                   Do"
%%
After a few years in cyberspace, even Danny starts to look good!
%%
After a hard day, it's nice to come home to a warm cat.
%%
After a hard drive you can get a little floppy
%%
After a heated argument on some trivial matter Nancy [Astor] . . .
shouted, "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"
Whereupon Winston with equal heat and sincerity answered, "And if I
were your husband I would drink it."
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
 -- Consuelo Vanderbilt Balsan Glitter and Gold (1952) ch. 7
%%
   ``After all, 13 years of being battered, pushed and otherwise
tormented is a long, long time. On the other hand ... you can't expect
me just to run away,'' he said.
 -- L.A. Police Chief Darryl Gates, as quoted in the UPI story,
 -- L.A. police chief rejects suggestion of retirement, 7/9/91
%%
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), on Shakespeare
%%
After all, financiers just own things, while a skilled person with a job
he loves has much, much more.
 -- David Brin, "Earth"
%%
After all, how many reruns can you watch?
%%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
 -- Olmstead's Law
%%
After all is said and done, sit down.
 -- Bill Copeland
%%
After all my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%%
After all my time here, I've yet to see any problem, however complicated,
which when you looked at it the right way didn't become still more complicated.
 -- Poul Anderson [on doing research]
%%
After all there is but one race - humanity.
 -- George Moore
%%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely
not for you to
enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent
champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
After all, what was Medea? Just another child custody case.
 -- Frank Pierson
%%
"After all with a degree in Maths(sic) and another in astrophysics(sic)
what else was there to do?  It was either that or the dole queue again
on Monday."
 -- Trillain, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
After a long bath Worf sees the fleas as his true friends.
%%
After a month at sea, you finally arrive at a sandy beach.
All ashore who's going ashore . . .
%%
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it
will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
%%
After an employee has spent his 13 hours of labor in the office, he
should spend the remaining time reading the Bible and other good books.
 -- Work Rule
%%
After an existence of nearly twenty years of almost innocuous desuetude
these laws are brought forth.
 -- Grover Cleveland (1837-1908)
 -- Message, March 1, 1886
%%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
 -- Mallery's Engineering Truism
%%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%%
 (After a power outage:)  Hi, this is Ralph.  The good news is
 that my power is back on.  The bad news for you is, so is my
 answering machine.  So, leave a message.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
After a raise in salary you will have less money at the end of each
month than you had before.
 -- Dr. R. F. Gumperson
%%
After a snowstorm, everybody's lawn looks the same.
%%
After assembly of an instrument, extra parts will be found on the workbench.
 -- Klipstein's Tenth Law of Production
%%
After a storm comes a calm.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Acts ix
%%
After a time, you may find that 'having' is not so pleasing a thing,
  after all, as 'wanting.'  It is not logical, but it is often true.
 -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
%%
After a while he realizes that she is beautiful - he just hadn't noticed it at
first.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand
   and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean
   security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't
   promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
   with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
   is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
   for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
%%
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for
everyone'.
 -- Larry Brown
%%
After Bart has been beat up by the bully, his family walks by and Lisa puts a
cupcake on his forehead ...
Bully: "Hey!  They even have food at this thing!  Here's one for the road ..."
 -- "Bart the General", from The Simpsons
%%
After being asked by a waitress if he wanted his pizza cut into four
slices or eight: "Better make it four. I don't think I can eat eight
pieces."
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
After being turned down by numerous publishers, he decided to write for
 posterity.
 -- George Ade
%%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
afterburp
(ah-ftur-berp) n.: residual, highly acidic taste persisting in the mouth
following a bout of either regurgitation or "yurk"ing (which See)
%%
"After checking my original notes, it appears that I spent most of last
 class lying to you.  You may not find that surprising.  I will now
 attempt to correct any misinformation that resulted.  This you will
 probably find very surprising."
 -- A CS Prof. teaching UNIX
%%
After Clinton, *everyone* looks qualified to be President!
%%
After Completion. Success in small matters.
Perseverance furthers.
At the beginning good fortune,
At the end disorder.
%%
After considerable research, the present administration has discovered that
 unemployment isn't working.
%%
After death the doctor.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
"After decades of "Masterpiece Theater" decline,
 deferent workers cheering dim royals, and legions
 of garden fetishists whose idea of fun was a
 gentle discussion of acidity levels in the
 topsoil, the class system is finally getting
 shaken up.  There are happier consequences of this
 than violence, of course, but the hooligan revival
 is at least a reminder that there's now no
 shortage of Britons successful enough to deserve
 beating up and plenty of others self-confident
 enough to do it."
 -- Andrew Sullivan
%%
After dinner, he said, "Your modem or mine?"
%%
After exhausting all other possibilities,
Americans can be counted upon to do what is right.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
After fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her, and after thirty
minutes I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
 -- Woody Allen, "Take the Money and Run"
%%
After fish, milk do not wish.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
After God created man, he atoned by creating beer.
%%
After God created woman he atoned by creating beer.
%%
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.
 -- Freeman Dyson
%%
< After Gorman says, "Hicks, meet me at the south lock. We're coming in." >
[sarcastically] "He's coming in. I feel safer already."
 -- Hudson, "Aliens"
%%
After half a day in a beauty salon, she still hasn't been worked on --
they're still busy giving her an estimate.
%%
After he routed Pharnaces Ponticus at the first assault, he wrote
thus to his friends: "I came, I saw, I conquered."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Caesar
%%
   After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created.
     This is true, He replied.
     He will need laws, said the Demon slyly.
     What!   You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?
    Oh, no!    Satan replied, I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own.
     It was so granted.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
%%
AFTER HOLIDAY SALE: '92 TAGLINES AT HALF PRICE!
%%
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
cost to others, to win advancement."
 -- Norman Thomas
%%
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my
 skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than
  why I have one.
 -- Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.)
%%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%%
After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after
much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly
annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes,
the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one half-mile.
 -- Alan Deitz
%%
After learning the tricks of the trade, many of us think we know the trade.
%%
After living in New York, you trust nobody,
 but you believe everything. Just in case.
%%
After lovemaking, a German woman is practical. She will say, "Ach, dat vas
 goot!" A French woman is solicitous. She will say, "Ah, mon cheri, did I
 please you?" And an English woman will say ... "Feeling better?"
 -- Godfrey Cambridge
%%
Afterlyfe.sys not found! Do you want to re-incarnate?
%%
After many years of study, scientists have determined
that dogs bark just for the hell of it.
 -- Smithsonian
%%
After-math [n], The period following algebra.
%%
After meat comes mustard; or, like money to a starving man at sea,
when there are no victuals to be bought with it.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. viii
%%
After Midnight, We're Gonna Let It All Hang Down
%%
"After Mike walked out, she decided to give up Men and raise chickens. Chickens
didn't stay out all night, or come home drunk, or sleep with your best
girlfriend... And if they did... you could cut off their heads and eat them..."
 -- Stephanie Piro, in "Women's Glibber"
%%
After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
 commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
 command structure.
%%
After much thought Picard assumes the bowling ball phase.
%%
After my death I wish no other herald,
No other speaker of my living actions,
To keep mine honour from corruption,
But such an honest chronicler as Griffith.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%%
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person
for a change.
%%
Afternoon: When we start worrying about tomorrow.
%%
After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United
States.   Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive.  Everything you want to
do in Europe is just, 'No way.  No one has ever done it.'  They haven't any
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much
more the American spirit.
 -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
%%
After only 3 mail packets, I have put together a fair sized collection
%%
After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are
always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to
the problem.
 -- Fourth Law of Revision
%%
< After Ripley rescues the remaining troops with the APC and suggests that
  they nuke the site from orbit, Burke tries to stop this plan >
"Hey maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events, but we just got
 our ASSES kicked pal!"
 -- Hudson, "Aliens"
%%
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
%%
After SPACE BALLS, the Movie, now comes SPACE BALLS, the Operating System,
 on Your nearby IBM Mainframe...
 -- Till Poser ([e-mail])
%%
After the 16th screw has been removed, the wrong cover will have been removed.
 -- Klipstein's Eighth Law of Production
%%
After the 16th screw has been replaced, the gasket will have been left off.
 -- Klipstein's Ninth Law of Production
%%
After the battle in Pharsalia, when Pompey was fled, one Nonius said
they had seven eagles left still, and advised to try what they would
do. "Your advice," said Cicero, "were good if we were to fight jackdaws."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Cicero
%%
After the Clinton Health Plan only Taxes will be assured.
%%
After The Corned Beef And Cabbage: Kay O'Pectate
%%
'After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous. He joked
  and joked: 'You lucky lucky lucky bastard!', he said. And then
  he laid on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench,
  and shouted, 'Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about me?''
 -- George : General Hospital
%%
After the first death, there is no other.
 -- Dylan Thomas
%%
After the first year, Captain Kirk lost his secretary, Yeoman Rand.
 She used to bring him coffee (even heating it with a hand phaser in
 times of galley distress) and hand him clipboards with flashing lights
 on them for him to initial.  I wonder whatever happened to her...
 -- [e-mail]
%%
After the lawyers are all dead, kill the Politicians!
%%
After the party was over, he just sort of lay there, grazing on the
carpet.
%%
After the quake, you have the

 Stanford _piecewise_ Linear Accelerator
%%
After the solution screws up the project, all those who initially
endorsed it will say, 'I wish I had voiced my reservations at the
time.'
%%
 After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
 the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
 come out of hiding.
 -- Answering machine madness - you're in big trouble
%%
After the troll's lightning-fast attack, you note the absence of
your heart and kidneys.
%%
After the verb "to love," "to help" is the most beautiful verb in the
world.
 -- Baroness Bertha von Suttner
%%
After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will be no
takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every
airplane's weight.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XIV
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
 -- Farnsdick's Corollary to the 5th Corollary
%%
After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
%%
After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless.
%%
After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
  brought tears to my eyes.  He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
 -- Ronnie Shakes
%%
After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
%%
"After two years of trying,
scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant."      Which proves that no
task is repugnant to a true scientist.
%%
After we pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is NOT our friend!
%%
After winning the decathlon, Jim Thorpe was told by the King of Sweden, "You
are the world's greatest athlete."
Thorpe replied, "Thanks, King."
%%
After winning the pennant one year, Casey Stengel commented,
"I couldn'ta done it without my players."
%%
After wisdom comes wit.
 -- Evan Esar
%%
After working the crowd, the autograph hound lacked only the signature of
the vice-president's wife, so when he spotted her at the far edge of the
field, he called to his friend, 'Come on, it's a long way to Tipper, Harry!'
 -- Barbara Stegman, California
%%
After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality,
and so on - have found that none of these finally satisfy, or permanently
wear - what remains? Nature remains.
 -- Walt Whitman
%%
After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10 cents.
%%
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
%%
After you use Kleenex, does it become Dirtiex?
%%
After you've done a thing the same way for two years look it over carefully.
After five years look at it with suspicion and after ten years throw it away
and start all over again.
%%
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it
makes you wonder about history.
%%
A full belly doth not engender a subtle wit.
 -- George Pettie
%%
A full belly makes a dull brain.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) - [and the local candy machine man]
%%
A full bladder is the best alarm clock in the world.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A full cup must be carried steadily.
 -- English proverb
%%
A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's
demands.
%%
A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the
 evidence is all in.
 -- Irvin S. Cobb
%%
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a
 poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet
 and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him
 about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why
 it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
%%
A future product release date
does not say when a product will be introduced.  All it says it
that you don't have a chance in hell of seeing it before that time.
 -- Goebel's Law of Product Introductions
%%
AFVC: Add Finagle's Variable Constant
%%
"Again, our observations of the stars make it evident, not only that
the earth is circular, but also that it is a circle of no great size.
 For quite a small change of position to south or north causes a manifest
alteration of the horizon.  There is much change, I mean, in the stars
which are overhead, and the stars seen are different, as one moves
northward or southward.  ...All of which goes to show not only that
the earth is circular in shape, but that it is a sphere of no great
size:  for otherwise the effect of so slight a change of place would
not be so quickly apparent.  Hence, one should not be too sure of
the incredibility of the view of those who conceive that there is
a continuity between the parts about the pillars of Hercules [the
strait of Gibraltar] and the parts about India, and that in this way
the ocean is one."
 -- Aristotle, De Caelo, Fourth Century B.C.
%%
Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
Against Idleness and Mischief

How doth the little busy bee         How skillfully she builds her cell!
Improve each shining hour,           How neat she spreads the wax!
And gather honey all the day         And labours hard to store it well
From every opening flower!           With the sweet food she makes.

In works of labour or of skill       In books, or work, or healthful play,
I would be busy too;                 Let my first years be passed,
For Satan finds some mischief still  That I may give for every day
For idle hands to do.                Some good account at last.

 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748), Divine Songs, Song xx
%%
                Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled
                About the center of the silent Word.
 -- T.S. Eliot
%%
Again, the truth is funnier than fiction

In Phila 11/7/88 :

The police raided a drug house, seizing coke and crack
and the 5 drug dealers in the house.  As they are
raiding the place, the phone rings.  An officer answers
"Hello?"  The voice says "I coming over with the coke
now"  The officer says "Sure, come on over".  The
police wait.  Sure enough, not one, but four people
arrive at the house with 2 kilos of cocaine.
%%
Again to the battle, Achaians!
Our hearts bid the tyrants defiance!
Our land, the first garden of Liberty's tree,
It has been, and shall yet be, the land of the free.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Song of the Greeks
%%
Again you have pleased them, and they put a rare conch shell out
for for you.
%%
A gal I know was in a bar, and was approached by a guy who asked,
"What's your sign?"  Her immediate response: "Neon."
%%
A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
%%
A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
and that's how we'll do it now.
 -- Dick Hamlet
%%
AGB: Add GarBage
%%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill
 -- attrib to D. W. Jones
%%
Age before beauty ... And pearls before swine.
 -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) from "The Book of Insults"
%%
Age can be beautifull as long as it works!!!!
%%
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperment and health.
Some men are born old, and some never grow so.
 -- Tryon Edwards
%%
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment
of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
 -- Jim Fiebig
%%
Age doesn't show here, but immaturity sure does.
%%
Age Fast - Hire a Consultant!
%%
Ageing is not bad.  The real killer is when you stop.
%%
Age ... is a matter of feeling, not of years.
 -- George William Curtis
%%
Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't
 matter.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
Age is a tyrant, who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures
of youth.
 -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Age is important only in dead fish and good wine.
%%
Age is never a bar to human immaturity.
%%
Age is only a matter of years??
%%
Age is only a number, a cipher for the records.  A man can't retire
his experience.  He must use it.  Experience achieves more with less
energy and time.
 -- Bernard Baruch
%%
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.
 -- Billie Burke
%%
Age needn't necessarily be a bar to immaturity.
%%
A general leading the State Department resembles  a dragon commanding
ducks.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A generation which ignores history has no past and no future.
 --  Robert Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazurus Long
%%
A generous friendship no cold medium knows,
Burns with one love, with one resentment glows.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book ix, Line 725
%%
A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
     And when he was done
  He labeled it: son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
%%
A genie appears in a cloud of green smoke.  He drops something, waves,
and then vanishes, taking the smoke with him.
%%
A genie appears in a cloud of green smoke.  He says, "Boy, you're
greedy," and pulls out a phaser.
* * zzzaapppp!!! * *         You've been reduced to a cloud of quarks.
%%
A genius is always on duty; even his dreams are tax deductible.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
 -- Bobby Knight
%%
A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.
 -- Joey Adams
%%
A gen'ral sets his army in array in vain, unless he fight and win the day.
 -- Denham
%%
A gen'rous heart repairs a sland'rous tongue.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book viii, Line 432
%%
Agent Cooper, I am thrilled to pieces that the Dharma came to Hohoho,
 I really am.
 -- Agent Albert Rosenfield, from Twin Peaks
%%
AGE, n.  That period of life in which we compound for the vices that
we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the
enterprise to commit.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A gentle knight was pricking on the plaine.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book i, Canto i, St. 1
%%
A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable.
%%
A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can.
 -- Luigi Barzini
%%
A gentleman has ease without familiarity, is respectful without meanness;
genteel without affectation, insinuating without seeming art.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
%%
A gentleman is a man who can support his own weight on his hands.
%%
A gentleman is one who doesn't demand a lady prove that she is.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
%%
A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
A gentleman never crumbles his bread or rolls in his soup.
%%
A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will speak
more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A gentleman of our days is one who has money enough to do what every
fool would do if he could afford it: that is, consume without producing.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
"A gentleman representing a Slavic country has offered me $100 million
 to destroy the American wheat crop.  What do you say?"
  "You don't crap where you sleep."
 -- Ham presents THE BADGER with an economic enigma...
%%
Agent Provocateur Extraordinaire.
%%
Agents do it undercover.
%%
A German soldier in Paris, 1940. He takes the first girl he sees to a hotel
 room, has his way with her, and says arrogantly, "In nine months, you'll
 have a baby. Call him Adolf."

 She replies sweetly, "In two weeks you'll have a rash. Call it what you
 like."
 -- Marty Brill
%%
Ages elapsed ere Homer's lamp appear'd,
And ages ere the Mantuan swan was heard:
To carry nature lengths unknown before,
To give a Milton birth, ask'd ages more.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Table Talk, Line 556
%%
Age shakes Athena's tower, but spares gray Marathon.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 88
%%
Agesilaus being invited once to hear a man who admirably imitated
the nightingale, he declined, saying he had heard the nightingale
itself.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Agesilaus II
%%
Agesilaus was very fond of his children; and it is reported that once
toying with them he got astride upon a reed as upon a horse, and rode
about the room; and being seen by one of his friends, he desired him
not to speak of it till he had children of his own.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Laconic Apophthegms, Of Agesilaus the Great
%%
Age sits with decent grace upon his visage, and worthily becomes
his silver locks; he bears the marks of many years well spent, of
virtue truth well tried, and wise experience.
 -- Rowe
%%
Aggravate your choler.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Aggression which is flagitious when committed by one, is not sanctioned
when committed by a host.
 -- Herbert Spencer
%%
Aggressiveness in worldly affairs or business will benefit your purse.
%%
A ghost appears in the room and is appalled by your desecration
of the remains of a fellow adventurer. He casts a curse on
all of your valuables and orders them banished to the land of
the living dead.  The ghost leaves, muttering obscenities.
%%
A ghostly voice whispers, "Insert the ticket in the nearest slot."
%%
A gift is as a precious stone in the eyes of him that hath it.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvii, 8
%%
A gift of flour will soon be made to you.
%%
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
%%
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. Don't eat them this time.
%%
Aging is bad, but consider the alternative.
%%
A girl a day keeps the wife away.
%%
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to
mean something*.
 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
%%
"A girl - cool? What's so cool about a girl?"
 -- Simon, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana
%%
A girlfriend a day soon costs $1,000 a month alimony.
%%
A Girlfriend may be a free trial, but you get a life sentence.
%%
A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
%%
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
%%
A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dare not pron oz.
    For a fellow unkind
    Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she'd bounce
%%
A girl with psychic powers,
She said "T-Bone, what's your sign?"
I blinked and answered "Neon" -
I thought I'd blow her mind.
 -- Tom "T-Bone" Stankus
%%
Agitation is that part of our intellectual life where vitality results;
there ideas are born, breed and bring forth.
 -- Geroge Edward Woodberry
%%
Agitation is the atmosphere of the brains.
 -- Wendell Phillips
%%
Agitation is the marshalling of the conscience of a nation to mold its
laws.
 -- Robert Peel
%%
AGITATOR, n.  A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors
 -- to dislodge the worms.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A glancing blow from the cyclops' fist.
%%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
of).
%%
A glistening pearl falls out of the clam and rolls away.  Goodness,
this must really be an oyster.     (I never was very good at identifying
bivalves.)  Whatever it is, it has now snapped shut again.
%%
A glowing potion is too hot to drink.
%%
Agnodyslexic plea: why me dog?
%%
Agnosticism is the philosophical, ethical and religious dry-rot of the
modern world.
 -- F. E. Abbot
%%
Agnosticism simply means that a man shall not say he knows or believes
that for which he has no grounds for professing to believe.
 -- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)
%%
Agnostic:  n.  A chickenshit atheist.
%%
Agnostics are merely atheists with an insurance policy.
%%
Agnostics open their prayers with "To Whom it may concern".
%%
A goal to either team would break the deadlock.
%%
A goat butts against a hedge.
It cannot go backward, it cannot go forward.
Nothing serves to further.
If one notes the difficulty, this brings good fortune.
%%
A God all mercy is a God unjust.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night iv, Line 233
%%
A God alone can comprehend a God.
 -- Young
%%
A god cannot survive as a memory.
%%
A god could hardly love and be wise.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 25
%%
A gold statuette of an ancient egyptian goddess is sitting here.
%%
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
game.  The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
 -- Donald A. Metz
%%
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
rolled into the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results
from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
phenomena.
 -- Donald A. Metz
%%
Agony!
Beyond power of speech
When the one thing you want
Is the one thing that's out of your reach.
 -- Into the Woods
%%
A good algorithm should be very poetic.
%%
A good amulet may protect you against guards.
%%
A good angle to approach any problem is the try-angle.
%%
A good beginning of many things does not necessarily include a great
 conclusion to all of these.
%%
A good book is a kind of paper club, serving to rouse the slumbrous and to
silence the obtuse.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A good book is the precious life-blood of a master-spirit, embalmed
and treasured up on purpose to a life beyond life.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Areopagitica
%%
A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.
 -- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)
%%
A good camper knows that it more important to be ingenious than to be a
genius.
 -- Pierre E. Trudeau
%%
A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.
 -- Wendell L. Wilkie (1892-1944) - Wilkie's Law
%%
A good cat,
is a dead cat.
%%
A good conscience is a continual feast.
 -- Robert Burton
%%
A good conscience is a continued Christmas.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
A good cook is like a sorceress who dispenses happiness.
 -- Else Schiaparelli
%%
A good crier of green sauce.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book ii, Chap. xxxi
%%
A good cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee the night before
 instead of the morning after.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
A good day to run amok.
%%
A good deed never goes unpunished.
 -- Gore Vidal
%%
A good dinner sharpens wit, while it softens the heart.
 -- Doran
%%
A good dog barks when told.
%%
A good education is usually harmful to a dancer. A good calf is better than
 a good head.
 -- Agnes De Millele
%%
A good family is one that used to better.
 -- Cleveland Amory
%%
A good fight is like a stick of broccoli, but different.
%%
A good film is when the price of the dinner,
the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
A good frame of mind . . . but no picture.
%%
A good friend is one who keeps the surplus zucchini.
%%
A good general rule is to state that the bouquet is better than the taste,
 and vice versa.
 -- Stephen Potter
%%
A good gossip is a wonderful tonic.
%%
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notion of time
are vaguer than yours.
 -- J.B. Priestley
%%
A good horse that follows others.
Awareness of danger,
With perseverance, furthers.
Practice chariot driving and armed defense daily.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.
%%
A good idea is one which strikes the other fellow like a bolt of lightning
a year or two after you've told it to him.
%%
A good idea will keep you awake during the morning, but a great idea
will keep you awake during the night.
 -- Marilyn Vos Savant
%%
A good imitation is the most perfect originality.
 -- Voltaire
%%
A good indication of the worth of much of the current music is that none of
 it is worth singing in the shower.
%%
A good Jewish wine: "I wanna go to Miami"
%%
A good laugh is sunshine in a house.
 -- William Makepeace Thackeray
%%
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader
inspires them with confidence in themselves.
%%
A good library must always be a two way street.
%%
A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
 -- Katharine Whitehorn
%%
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets
  to know something.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
A good manager is best when people barely know that he exists.  Not
so good when people obey and acclaim him.  Worse when they despise
him.
 -- Lao-Tzu
%%
A good man can be stupid and still be good.  But a bad man must have brains.
 -- Maxim Gorky (1868-1936)
%%
A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy
 is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his
 mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they
 pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the
 male ego.
 -- Roseanne Barr Arnold
%%
A good man giving bad advice is more dangerous than a nasty man giving bad
 advice.
 -- Conor Cruise O'Brien
%%
A good man gone wrong is usually a bad man found out.
%%
A good man is always a beginner.
 -- Martial
%%
A good man possesses a kingdom.
 -- Seneca (8 BC)
 -- Thyestes, 380
%%
A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
 -- Barbarella
%%
A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus.
 -- Hoover
%%
A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped,
 self-addressed envelope big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This
 is too much of a temptation to the editor.
 -- Ring Lardner
%%
A good marriage outlasts the first box of dental floss.
%%
A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which
gives immortality to conversation.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
%%
A good memory is needed after one has lied.
 -- Pierre Corneille
%%
A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial.
%%
A good mouth-filling oath.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A good name is better than precious ointment.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes vii, 1
%%
A good name is better than riches.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxii, 1
%%
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.
 -- Zimmerman
%%
A good neighbor is one who will watch your vacation slides all evening
without telling you that he has been there.
%%
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us
  the truth about its author.
 -- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
%%
A good number of people race trains to the railroad crossing to avoid the
 wait. However, in case of a tie, you lose.
%%
A good number of you who are reading this material have a library book that
 has been overdue since 1974. Please return it immediately if not sooner.
%%
A good old man, sir; he will be talking: as they say, When the age
is in the wit is out.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
A good organizer is the one who is careful to plan ahead.
%%
A good philosopher is one who does not take ideas seriously.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A good place to start is where you are.
 -- Charles Wolf, Jr.
%%
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
 -- Patton's Law
%%
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
A good prince will tax as lightly as possible those commodities which
are used by the poorest members of society; e.g., grain, bread, beer,
wine, clothing, and all other staples without which human life could not
exist.
 -- Desiderius Erasmus (1465-1536)
%%
A good pun is its own reword.
%%
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
 -- John Ciardi
%%
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 108
%%
A good rest is half the work.
 -- Yugoslav Proverb
%%
A good rooster crows in any hen house.
%%
A good rule in this business...
 is that when you make a plan, plan in depth.
 -- Doctor Who
%%
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
%%
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
 -- Ed Howe
%%
A good stargazing fixes everything--a good 'heart to heart' twixt
 the woman and the man.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
A good stroke, but it's too slow, the # dodges.
%%
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
%%
A good theory should fit on a T-shirt
 -- Astronomer at Jan 1992 AAS meeting
%%
A good time to switch to RC Cola.
 -- Government Euphemism for Recession
%%
A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit.
%%
A good turn at need,
At first or last, shall be assur'd of meed.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Sixth Day
%%
A good USENET motto would be
a. Together, a strong community.
b. Computers R Us.
c. I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw
   around for a while on company time.
%%
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they
 break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's
 the monster, sound asleep.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.  Then you call
 the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.
 "That's dynamite, baby."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
A good word is an easy obligation, but not to speak ill, requires
only our silence, which costs us nothing.
 -- Tillotson
%%
A good workman is known by his tools.
%%
A good writer must have more than vin rose in his veins, use more than Chablis
for ink.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A googoolplex of channels, and nothing's on TV!
%%
Agoraphobia
the claustrophobic man got sick of his small room,
    so he moved into his closet.
%%
A gossip is a person with a keen sense of humour.
%%
A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you
about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about
yourself.
%%
A gourmet thinking calories is a tart looking at a clock.
%%
A government big enough to give you everything you want is a governement big
enough to take from you everything you have.
 -- Gerald R. Ford
%%
A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.
 -- James Reston
%%
A government needs one hundred soldiers for every guerilla it faces.
 -- Fulgencio Batista (1901-1973)
%%
A government solution to a problem is always followed by the creation of at
 least two additional problems, either of which was worse than the original
 problem which the government set out to solve.
%%
A 'government subsidy' is getting just some of your own money back.
%%
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big
enough to take it all away.
 -- Barry Goldwater
%%
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon
  the support of Paul.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
A grandchild who asks you some innocent question can make you feel truly
 ancient, as in: "What were dinosaurs really like?"
%%
A grapefruit is a lemon that had a chance and took advantage of it.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
A grateful mind
By owing owes not, but still pays, at once
Indebted and discharg'd.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 55
%%
A grating appears on the ground.
%%
A grave, wherever found, preaches a short and pithy sermon to the soul.
 -- Hawthorne
%%
A gray eye is still and sly;
A rougish eye is the brown;
The eye of blue is ever true;
But in the black eye's sparkling spell
Mystery and mischief dwell.
%%
A grazing mace, how sweet the sound that flattened a wretch like thee!
%%
A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed
itself from within.
 -- Ariel Durant
%%
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
A great fortune is a great slavery.
 -- Seneca
%%
A great man is made up of qualities that meet or make great occasions.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Garfield
%%
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats other men.
 -- Thomas Carlyle
%%
A great many family trees were started by grafting.
%%
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
 -- Toledo Blade
%%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
 rearranging their prejudices.
 -- William James
%%
A great mind is one that can forget or look beyond itself.
 -- William Hazlitt, Commonplaces
%%
A great name for a new country song:  If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be
Out of Jail by Now.
 -- From the Larry King show
%%
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
man a century.
%%
A great part of courage is the courage of having done the thing before.
 -- R.W. Emerson
%%
"A Great Plenty" by E. Nuff
%%
A great source of error is the judging of events by abstract calculations,
which though geometrically true are false as they relate to the concerns
of beings governed more by passions and prejudice than by an enlightened
sense of their interests.
 -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
A great symphony orchestra should be savored like cognac.  Lift the
filled glass to the light.  Admire the amber hue.  Swirl.  Sniff.  Then
set it down and talk about it for half an hour.
 -- Antal Dorati
%%
Agreement: The basis of reality and culture.
%%
A green old age,
That proves the hero born in better days.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xxiii, Line 929
%%
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
%%
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down
    in four seconds.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #26
%%
A grimoire that sticks with you:  the Velcronomicon.
%%
Agrimony - What a divorced farmer pays his ex-wife.
%%
A group of the unwilling, composed of the unfit, to do the unnecessary for
 the unaware in an untidy manner at an untimely moment employing unseemly
 tactics for the uninformed. Ah, give me a chance at that committee and we
 can really go nowhere fast and get there before most people even know that
 we left. This is nothing more than the formula for good government, or it
 seems that way from what I have been able to observe so far in this life.
%%
A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because
 he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he
 was a lawyer.
 -- A. Whitney Brown
%%
A guardian angel o'er his life presiding,
Doubling his pleasures, and his cares dividing.
 -- Samuel Rogers (1763-1855)
 -- Human Life
%%
A guidebook entitled "FLOOD CONTROL DAM #3" is on the reception desk.
%%
A guilty conscience needs to confess. A work of art is a confession.
 -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)
 -- Notebooks I (1935-42)
%%
A guilty conscience never feels secure.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 617
%%
A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. A
firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. A giant panda bear is really a
member of the racoon family. A black panther is really a leopard that
has a solid black coat rather then a spotted one. Peanuts are not really
nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees while peanuts grow underground.
They are classified as a legume-part of the pea family. A cucumber is
not a vegetable but a fruit.
%%
A gulf profound as that Serbonian bog
Betwixt Damiata and Mount Casius old,
Where armies whole have sunk: the parching air
Burns frore, and cold performs th' effect of fire.
Thither by harpy-footed Furies hal'd,
At certain revolutions all the damn'd
Are brought, and feel by turns the bitter change
Of fierce extremes,--extremes by change more fierce;
From beds of raging fire to starve in ice
Their soft ethereal warmth, and there to pine
Immovable, infix'd, and frozen round,
Periods of time; thence hurried back to fire.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 592
%%
A gun gives you the body, not the bird.
%%
A guru went to the dentist and said,
"I'd like to transcend dental medication."
 -- Dr. Dean Edell
%%
A guy asked me if I had the time.
 I said yes, but not right now.
%%
A guy asked me what living in NYC was like - told him to wait 54 years.
%%
A guy bought a farm. He didn't know anything about farms, but he bought one
 anyway. He decides he's going to plant something. Anything. "What are you
 going to plant?" his friend asks. "Razor blades and cabbages." His friend
 looks at him. "Razor blades and cabbages? What could you possibly get out
 of that?" "Coleslaw."
 -- Buddy Hackett
%%
A guy down the hall has a wooden stake in his window with a sign that
reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VAMPIRE."
%%
A guy goes into a drugstore on a Friday and says, "Give me a gross of those
 safes." He comes back Monday and says, "There were only 143 in that gross."
 The clerk says, "I'm sorry I spoiled your weekend, sir."
 -- Pearl Williams
%%
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
%%
A guy I know has C:\BELFRY in his PATH on his PC.
Why?
Because that's where he keeps his .BATs.
%%
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a
 golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him,
 "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"

 And the guy says, "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball
 ever made. You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles.
 You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into
 a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two
 minutes."

 And his friend says, "That's great. Where did you get it?"

 And the guy says, "I found it."
 -- Soupy Sales
%%
A guy is walking over a bridge, and his wallet falls into the river.  He
looks over and sees that the fish are tossing his wallet to each other.
What's going on?  Carp-to-carp walleting.
%%
A guy sees a fat lady carrying a duck. The guy says, "What are you doing
 with that pig?" The fat lady snorts, "That's not a pig, it's a duck." The
 guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the duck."
 -- Jack Carter
%%
A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Since when did you have
 sawdust on the floor?" "That's not sawdust," the bartender said. "It's last
 night's furniture."
 -- Joey Adams
%%
A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument.  He stopped a
policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?"

The cop answered, "Ours, I hope."
%%
A guy went to a party wearing shoes with high heels. He put peanut butter in
 the empty space. He sat with one leg crossed over the other so that the
 peanut butter was plainly visible. When someone said "Eyuuuw! What's that?",
 he wiped some off with his finger, tasted it and said "Doberman".
%%
AGWA: Add and Get Wrong Answer
%%
Aha! Another "Undocumented Feature"!
%%
A habit of sneering marks the egotist, or the fool, or the knave, or all three.
 -- Lavater
%%
A habitual slot-machine gambler, also a drunk, staggered into the Automat.
 He walked up to the sandwich section and deposited some nickels. A ham
 sandwich popped out. He deposited more coins, collecting more and more
 sandwiches. The manager walked over to him and said, "Pardon me, sir, but
 why don't you stop? Haven't you got enough?" The drunk turned on him and
 said, "What? Quit when I'm on a winning streak?"
 -- Joe E. Brown
%%
Aha! Brekkers! I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning, and
  still have room for a dolphin on toast.
 -- George : Amy and Amiability
%%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
 -- Laura Creighton
%%
"A Hacker is any person who derives joy from
 discovering ways to circumvent limitations."
 -- Bob Bickford, [e-mail], 1986
%%
Ahah!
%%
Ah-ah, Mr. Wiiilson.  Ah-ah, Mr. Heath.
%%
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
%%
A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.
%%
A hamburger by any other name ordinarily costs about twice as much.
%%
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
%%
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
%%
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
%%
A hand grenade exploded in a school of fish will supply food for days.
 -- U.S. Armed Forces Survival Manual
%%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
%%
A hand in the bush beats two on the bird.
%%
A handle short of a suitcase.
%%
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
%%
A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and you wish you hadn't.
 -- Smythe, "Andy Capp"
%%
Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
%%
A happier home is but an earlier heaven.
 -- Thomas S. Monson
%%
A happy, and registered, Telix v3.21 user.....
%%
A happy soul, that all the way
To heaven hath a summer's day.
 -- Richard Crashaw (c. 1616-1650)
 -- In Praise of Lessius's Rule of Health
%%
Aha! Pronoun problems. It's not 'shoot you, shoot you',
it's 'shoot me, shoot me'.
So, go ahead, shoot ME, shoot ME <BLAM>... You're Despicable.
 -- Daffy Duck
%%
"Aha!  Pronoun trouble!"
 -- Daffy Duck
%%
A hard beginning maketh a good ending.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. iv
%%
A hard disk is a device that erase data faster than disk drive!
%%
A hard disk is a terrible thing to waste.
%%
A hard disk is good to find.
%%
A HARD DRIVE is from Cleveland to Cleveland
%%
A hard drive is more satisfying than a soft floppy!
%%
A hard man is good to find.
%%
A hard thing about business is minding your own!
%%
A harmless necessary cat.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A harp is a nude piano.
%%
A Harvard neurologist has found that caffeine is a good all-purpose
insecticide: it kills off such nasties as mosquito larvae and tobacco
hornworms. The conclusion (apologies to Hack Wilson): drink enough
coffee and you won't have bugs!
%%
A hat not much the worse for wear.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- History of John Gilpin
%%
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest
 of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
A Hawaiian Christmas -- Poi To The World!
%%
AHA! You're one of those short Canadians who couldn't play hockey!
%%
A hazard is anything that is dangerous.
 -- "Safety With Beef Cattle", OSHA 1976
%%
Ah, Blackadder. Notice anything...unusual?
Yes, sir. It's eleven thirty in the morning, and you're moving about.
  Is the bed on fire?
 -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Ah, Blackadder. Started talking to yourself, I see.
Yes...it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation.
 -- Melchett and Edmund : Potato
%%
Ah, Bob, I see you've decided to go psycho. Godspeed.
%%
Ah, bonjour, Monsieur.
Sod off.
 -- Frenchman and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for ?
 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%%
Ah, but killer trained attack cats DO go GRRRRR!
%%
Ah, but soft milk -- that's another matter.
%%
Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there's the rub.

For all dreams are not equal,
some exit to nightmare
most end with the dreamer

But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%%
Ah' can SPELL, ah' plum can't TYPE wo'd some hoot
%%
Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little
  more decorum this time.
No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off.
 -- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
Ah, Celeste, my pretty jewel, I love you as a pig loves the mud !
 -- Creole Proverb
%%
Ah chOOga CHOOga! uh
%%
Ah, Christ, that it were possible
  For one short hour to see
The souls we loved, that they might tell us
  What and where they be.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Maud, Part ii, Sect. iv, Stanza 3
%%
Ah, come on, just this one last little feature.
%%
Ah, Come on Let's Let um Do It.
%%
Ah! curst ambition! to thy lures we owe, All the great ills that
mortals bear below.
 -- Teckell
%%
Ah. Danny,... Would you grab that piece of skull, please?
%%
Ah, did you once see Shelley plain,
  And did he stop and speak to you,
And did you speak to him again?
  How strange it seems, and new!
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Memorabilia, i
%%
 Ah! don't say you agree with me.   When people agree with me
I always feel that I must be wrong.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Ah, Dr. Crusher, I see Starfleet has shipped you back into exile.
 -- Q, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!
 -- Holly in Red Dwarf 'Thanks for the Memory'
%%
A Headline in on a magazine at the supermarket read
   How to become an optimist in two weeks
It was only after a moment that I realized that in response, I had muttered
"I don't know.  That sounds pretty optimistic to me."
%%
Ahead of its time.....
%%
"Ahead Warp 37 to the wild, loud PLANET OF THE
 LUSTY WOMEN COMMODITIES BROKERS!"
 -- "Bloom County"
%%
Ahead warp factor 1
 -- Captain Kirk
%%
A healthy body is a great chamber for the soul: a sick body is a prison.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
A healthy family is sacred territory.
%%
A heart in love with beauty never grows old.
 -- Ancient Turkish Proverb
%%
A heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are
loved by others.
 -- The Wizard of Oz
%%
A heart unspotted is not easily daunted.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
    At the height of the spasm
    The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
%%
A heaven of charms divine Nausicaa lay.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book vi, Line 22
%%
A heaven on earth.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 208
%%
A heavy night snowstorm is God saying: "Take today off."
%%
A heavy purse makes a light heart.
 -- Irish proverb
%%
A Hebrew knelt in the dying light,
  His eye was dim and cold,
The hairs on his brow were silver-white,
  And his blood was thin and old.
 -- Thomas K. Hervey (1799-1859)
 -- The Devil's Progress
%%
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
A hen tomorrow is more valuable than an egg today.
%%
A herd of 100 charging buffaloes charged across the prairie.
%%
A heretic... is a fellow who disagrees with your
regarding something
neither of you knows anything about.
 -- William Cowper Brann (1855-1898)
%%
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
%%
A hero is a man who consistently violates the law of conservation of energy.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A hero is no braver than anyone else; he is only brave five minutes longer.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Ah, excuse me, Death?  Where is thy sting?
 -- Mystery Science Theatre 3000
%%
Ah, gentle dames! it gars me greet
To think how monie counsels sweet,
How monie lengthened sage advices,
The husband frae the wife despises.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Tam o' Shanter
%%
Ah good, Data, least you're functioning.
Fully...Captain.
 -- Picard and Data, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
Ah, good taste! What a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Quote (Anderson, S.C., March 24, 1957)
%%
Ah-Ha! Caught you stealing my taglines again!
%%
Ahh - a desq with a view!
%%
Ah, happy hills! ah, pleasing shade!
  Ah, fields beloved in vain!
Where once my careless childhood stray'd,
  A stranger yet to pain!
I feel the gales that from ye blow
  A momentary bliss bestow.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- On a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Stanza 2
%%
Ah, happy years! once more who would not be a boy?
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 23
%%
Ah *HA!* (pregnant pause) Pronoun Trouble..."
 -- Daffy Duck
%%
Ahhh.   A man with a sharp wit.  Someone ought to take it away from him
before he cuts himself.
 -- Peter da Silva
%%
Ahhh, burritos?
%%
Ahhhh..for those longer tags with the register
%%
 Ahhhhhhhhh...  ahhhhhhhhhh...  (Heavy breathing sounds, like an
 obscene phone call.)  Oh, nuts, YOU called ME!  Sorry.  Never
 mind.  Leave your name and number at the beep.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
Ahhhhh...home sweet hell!
%%
Ahhhh...hockey season FINALLY started!
%%
Ahhhh, I really like men.  Every woman should own one.
%%
Ahhhh, it's amazing what a cheat can do!!
%%
Ahhh! The country's safe! Congress is out of session!
%%
Ahh, it taxes the little grey cells, does it not?
%%
Ah, how unjust to Nature and himself
Is thoughtless, thankless, inconsistent man!
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night ii, Line 112
%%
Ahh wight! Where's my WAM memowy you wascwy wabbitt?
%%
Ahh.  You have a practiced hand Commander.
Yes, I have my father to thank.
Your father like to cook?
No, he hated it.  That's why he left the chore to me.
 -- Pulaski & Riker,  "Time Squraed,"  stardate 42679.2.
%%
A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.
%%
A high-fiber breakfast is very important. Always eat your cereal before it
 shrinks.
 -- Mark Russell
%%
A high hope for a low heaven.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A high level staff meeting will always make the
big boss feel better.
%%
A high roller even when the chips are down.
%%
Ah, I have access.
 -- Data
%%
A hillbilly boy married a hillbilly girl and went on a honeymoon. They were
 supposed to stay two weeks, but they didn't stay two weeks, they stayed one
 night.

 The next day the hillbilly boy came back up to his pappy's cabin. His pappy
 said, "Hey, boy, where's your woman?" He said, "I shot her, Paw." He said,
 "You shot her? What fer?" The boy said, "She were a virgin, Paw." He said,
 "I don't blame ya, boy, if she ain't good enough for her folks, she ain't
 good enough for us!"
 -- Dave Turner
%%
A historical toast, made by some politician to a successful wartime admiral
at a Navy dinner.
<picks up wine, and almost speaks>
<puts down wine>
<picks up his water glass>
To you, gentlemen.  I believe your victories were made on water.
%%
A hit, a very palpable hit.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Ah, Jaquelin ... Will you grab that piece of skull...
%%
Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?
%%
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Where do they all come from
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Where do they all belong
%%
Ah, Louie, Louie....oowooo...me gotta go!!
%%
"Ah, monsieur.  And how are we today?"
"Better."
"Better?"
"Better get a bucket.  I'm gonna throw up."
 -- Monty Python "Meaning of Life"
%%
Ah, Mozart!  He was happily married, but his wife wasn't.
 -- Borge
%%
Ahm Sitin an Wachin Der Blinkenleitz und drinking tooo mooch.
%%
Ah, Myra, I see you've decided to go psycho. Godspeed.
%%
Ah, my trombone.  Let me show you how it works.
 -- Riker
%%
AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
%%
A hog's eyesight is better than a human's.
%%
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods
while the police officer searches you.
%%
A holding company is the people you give your money to while you're being
searched.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
A hole is nothing, but you can break your neck in it.
%%
A hollow voice says "PLUGH".
%%
A home is not a mere transient shelter: its essence lies in the personalities
of the people who live in it.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A home is the place where part of the family
waits until the others have returned with the car.
%%
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
%%
A homunculus wouldn't want to hurt a wizard.
%%
A hooker accidently hits on a vice cop who's just about to go off-shift,
 he really wants to avoid the paperwork of processing this bimbo now,
 preferring to go home and eat his dinner. The hooker says: "Anything you
 can name with 3 words, $100..eh?" The vice cop nods, but gives her an
 address on a piece of paper and says: "How about tomorrow, this address -
 same deal?" The tart agrees, and in fact shows up at the vice cop's house
 the following day. The cop hands her $100, shows her his badge and says:
 "Paint my house."
%%
Ah-ooooh, where was the thunder?
%%
A horizontal surface will soon be piled up.
 -- Corollary to Murphy's Law
%%
A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
A horse hired, never tired.
 -- Proverb
%%
A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse,
He drinks the blood of a sheep, by force,
The vampire horse, Count Ed!
 -- Ron
%%
A horse may go freely to water, but a pencil must be lead.
%%
A hospital is no place to be sick.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
A host is a host from coast to coast
And no one will talk to a host that's close
Unless the host (that isn't close)
is busy, hung or dead.
 -- David Lesher
%%
A hot pepper sandwich is here.
%%
A house divided.........
 is a duplex.
%%
A house is never perfectly furnished for enjoyment, unless there
is a child in it rising three years old, and a kitten rising six weeks.
 -- Southey
%%
A house is not a home.
 -- Polly Adler. American madam.
%%
A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as
well as the body.
 -- Margaret Fuller
%%
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
%%
Ahoy!
%%
Ah said, pay attention, boy!
 -- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
%%
Ah shucks it works - darn it!
%%
Ah Sin was his name.
 -- Francis Bret Harte (1839-1902)
 -- Plain Language from Truthful James
%%
Ah Sir, that Tanker is getting away.
%%
Ah, surely nothing dies but something mourns.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iii, Stanza 108
%%
Ah, Taxes: At least Death Isn't Annual.
%%
Ah, tell them they are men!
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- On a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Stanza 6
%%
Ah that I-- You would have it so, you would have it so; George Dandin,
you would have it so! This suits you very nicely, and you are served
right; you have precisely what you deserve.
 -- Jean Baptiste Moliere (1622-1673)
 -- George Dandin, Act i, Sc. 19
%%
Ah, the joys of deregulation. Now it takes an attorney to figure out your
 telephone bill.
%%
Ah, the life of a frog; that's the life for me.
 -- Bart in "Crepes of Wrath", from The Simpsons
%%
Ah, there are no longer any children!
 -- Jean Baptiste Moliere (1622-1673)
 -- Le Malade Imaginaire, Act ii, Sc. 11
%%
"Ah, these good, efficient, healthy-minded people, they always remind me of
those optimistic tadpoles who bask in a puddle in the sun, in the shallowest
of waters, crowding together and amiably wriggling their tails, totally
unaware that the next morning the puddle will have dried up and left them
stranded"
 -- Carl Jung; Memories, Dreams, Reflections
%%
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
%%
Ah, the vastness of space and time... and I end up here..
%%
Ah! the youngest heart has the same waves within it as the oldest;
but without the plummet which can measure the depths.
 -- Richter
%%
Ah.  This is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't
previously aware of.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Ah, Thor!: Ty Till
%%
Ah, to be a buzzard now that spring is here!
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A huge green fierce dragon bars the way!
%%
A huge green fierce snake bars the way!
%%
A hug warms the soul and places a smile in the heart.
%%
A HUMAN!!!!!!!!        A TREEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (thump)
 -- Batty/Chrysta
%%
A human being is a computer's way of making another computer.
Yes, we are their sex organs.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A human being is an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
 -- Christopher Morley
%%
A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part
limited in time and space.  He experiences himself, his thoughts and
feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical
delusion of his consciousness.  This delusion is a kind of prison for
us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few
persons nearest to us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this
prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living
creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem,
pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently,
and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long
%%
A humble, obedient attitude will serve you well in anything you do in life.
 -- Joseph B. Wirthlin
%%
A humgry man is not a free man.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A humorist is a man who feels bad but who feels good about it.
 -- Don Herold
%%
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
%%
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles
of beer.  If one of those bottles should happen to
fall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.
 -- from Mauve'Bib's "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"
 -- edited by the Princess Serutan
%%
A hundred cartloads of anxiety will not pay an ounce of debt.
%%
A hundred mouths, a hundred tongues, and throats of brass, inspired
with iron lungs.
 -- Virgil
%%
A hundred years ago we were much smarter; then you lived until you died and
 not until you were just run over.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
A hundred years from now, none of us will give a damn.
%%
A hungry dog hunts best.
A hungrier dog hunts even better.
 -- Augustine's Law Number VI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
A hunk-o',hunk-o' burnin' love.
%%
A hurricane is a blow job from Mother Nature!
%%
A hurricane triggered by butterfly wings ...
%%
A husband and wife should never go to bed mad when they still have the
 stamina to stay up and fight. Why deprive the neighbors of something far
 more interesting than television?
%%
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
%%
A husband is the medicine for the ills of girlhood.
%%
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been
extracted.
 -- Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
%%
A husband should not insult his wife publicly, at parties. He should insult
 her in the privacy of the home.
 -- James Thurber
%%
A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
%%
Ah! Valere, all men say the same thing to women; all are alike in their
words; their actions only show the difference that exists between them.
 -- Moliere
%%
"Ah, well, I attended Juliard.  I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business
School.  I travel quite extensively.  I live through the Black Plague and
had a pretty good time during that. I've seen THE EXORCIST about 167
times, and it keeps gettin' funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!!"
 -- Beetlejuice
%%
Ah, well. I didn't find a mate, but I did save the conference as well
  as your reputations. All in a day's work I suppose.
 -- Lwaxana Troi, "Man Hunt", stardate 42859.2
%%
Ah, well, then, I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
 -- in R.H. Sherard Life of Oscar Wilde (1906) p. 421
 -- When a huge fee for an operation was mentioned (NOT his last words)
%%
Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Ah, what a dusty answer gets the soul when hot for certainties in this
our life!
 -- George Meredith
%%
Ah, what's this? Unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel!
You are much mistaken.
...A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment
%%
Ah! what would the world be to us
If the children were no more?
We should dread the desert behind us
Worse than the dark before.
 -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
Ah, when shall all men's good
Be each man's rule, and universal peace
Lie like a shaft of light across the land,
And like a lane of beams athwart the sea,
Thro' all the circle of the golden year?
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Golden Year
%%
Ah, who can tell how hard it is to climb
The steep where Fame's proud temple shines afar?
 -- James Beattie (1735-1803)
 -- The Minstrel, Book i, Stanza 1
%%
Ah, why
Should life all labour be?
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Lotus-Eaters, iv
%%
Ah, women.  They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Ah...Worf. We are so much alike you and I. Both warriors, orphans who
  found ourselves this family. I hope I met death with my eyes wide open.
 -- Yar, "Skin of Evil", stardate 41601.3
%%
Ah, yes! I wrote the "Purple Cow"--
I'm sorry now I wrote it!
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'll kill you if you quote it!
 -- Gelett Burgess (1866-1951)
 -- The Burgess Nonsense Book (1914) "Confessional"
%%
Ah, yes, 'Sparkling Muscatel', one of the fine wines of Idaho!
%%
Ah, you flavour everything; you are the vanilla of society.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 262
%%
"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
%%
Ah, youth! forever dear, forever kind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xix, Line 303
%%
A hypocrite is a person who--but who isn't?
 -- Don Marquis
%%
A hypothetical paradox:
       What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
 -- Tom Galloway
%%
AI      Add Improperly
%%
:AI: /A-I/ n. Abbreviation for `Artificial Intelligence', so
   common that the full form is almost never written or spoken among
   hackers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
AIB: Attack Innocent Bystanders
%%
Aibohphobia: an unreasoning fear of palindromes.
%%
:AI-complete: /A-I k*m-pleet'/ [MIT, Stanford: by analogy with
   `NP-complete' (see {NP-})] adj. Used to describe problems or
   subproblems in AI, to indicate that the solution presupposes a
   solution to the `strong AI problem' (that is, the synthesis of a
   human-level intelligence).  A problem that is AI-complete is, in
   other words, just too hard.

   Examples of AI-complete problems are `The Vision Problem'
   (building a system that can see as well as a human) and `The
   Natural Language Problem' (building a system that can understand
   and speak a natural language as well as a human).  These may appear
   to be modular, but all attempts so far (1993) to solve them have
   foundered on the amount of context information and `intelligence'
   they seem to require. See also {gedanken}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:AIDS: /aydz/ n. Short for A* Infected Disk Syndrome (`A*' is a
   {glob} pattern that matches, but is not limited to, Apple),
   this condition is quite often the result of practicing unsafe
   {SEX}.  See {virus}, {worm}, {Trojan horse},
   {virgin}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
AIDS Cures Liberalism.
%%
AIDS, drugs, abortion - Don't Liberals just kill you?
%%
AIDS: God's revenge on perverts...Clinton, Visa-Versa
%%
AIDS is just a virus. Bill Clinton is punishment from God.
%%
AIDS is just a virus. George Bush is a punishment from God.
%%
AIDS is killing our Vampire population.
%%
AIDS is Nature's way of telling you to stop buggering about.
%%
AIDS isn't a problem for society-at-large.
 -- Conservative idea #6
%%
AIDS: It's not just for gays anymore!
%%
AIDS -- The Plague Denied by the ACLU the AMA and man!
%%
Aid the dawning, tongue and pen;
Aid it, hopes of honest men!
 -- Charles Mackay (1814-1889)
 -- Clear the Way
%%
:AIDX: n. /aydkz/ n. Derogatory term for IBM's perverted version
   of UNIX, AIX, especially for the AIX 3.? used in the IBM RS/6000
   series (some hackers think it is funnier just to pronounce "AIX"
   as "aches").  A victim of the dreaded "hybridism" disease, this
   attempt to combine the two main currents of the UNIX stream
   ({BSD} and {USG UNIX}) became a {monstrosity} to haunt
   system administrators' dreams.  For example, if new accounts are
   created while many users are logged on, the load average jumps
   quickly over 20 due to silly implementation of the user databases.
   For a quite similar disease, compare {HP-SUX}.  Also, compare
   {Macintrash} {Nominal Semidestructor}, {Open DeathTrap},
   {ScumOS}, {sun-stools}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
AI hackers do it artificially.
%%
AI hackers do it breast first.
%%
AI hackers do it depth first.
%%
AI hackers do it robotically.
%%
AI hackers do it with robots.
%%
AI hackers do it with rules.
%%
AI hackers make a big production out of it.
%%
Aiijjj!!
%%
:AI koans: /A-I koh'anz/ pl.n. A series of pastiches of Zen
   teaching riddles created by Danny Hillis at the MIT AI Lab around
   various major figures of the Lab's culture (several are included
   under "{A Selection of AI Koans}" in {Appendix
   A}).  See also {ha ha only serious}, {mu}, and {{Humor,
   Hacker}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ai Mate, Capt'n J.P. Jones Here!
%%
Aim at the sun, any you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far
higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself.
 -- Joel Hawes
%%
Aim for her flat-top!
%%
Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
 -- W. Clement Stone
%%
Aim for the stars and maybe you'll reach the sky.
%%
AIM, n.  The task we set our wishes to.

    "Cheer up!  Have you no aim in life?"
        She tenderly inquired.
    "An aim?  Well, no, I haven't, wife;
        The fact is -- I have fired."
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ain't nerd-life grand?
%%
Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed.
%%
Ain't nothing but a G-string baby...
%%
Ain't nothing but beer and bones.
%%
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride; nobody's gonna slow me down...
%%
Ain't no time to hate--barely time to wait. Wo ho what I want to know:
 where does the time go?
 -- Robert Hunter
%%
"Ain't that just like a tin-pot dictator!  Calling
 in the faceless hordes when things get rough!
 Faceless horde is my middle name!"
 -- The Badger, in NEXUS
%%
Ain't Winter Grand?
%%
Ain't WP Macro's *FUN*...!!!
%%
AI PEOPLE do it with a Lis(ss)p
%%
AI programmers only think they do it.
%%
Airbags won't help...when this machine crashes!
%%
Air Borgs - "Just Assimilate It!"
%%
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
%%
Air Conditioner 1.0.  Runs under Windows.
%%
Air controllers nightmare: A pack of F-117s landing.
%%
AIR COURIERS do it all over the world in big jets
%%
Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly direction,
preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the additional hours
needed to fix the broken electronics.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XLIV
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
Air Family:
 Describes the false sense of community experienced among
coworkers in an office environment.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Air Geordis - TNG footwear
%%
Airhead / bubble-brain.
%%
Air is water with holes in it.
%%
Airlifters penetrate further, linger longer, and drop a bigger load
%%
Airline food
 -- Oxymoron
%%
AIRLINE PILOTS do it at incredible heights.
%%
Airline tickets have small print on them. It says, "Schedules are subject
 to change without notice." I missed my plane in Houston by fifteen minutes.
 And believe me, I noticed it.
 -- Mark Dobrient
%%
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore
%%
Airloin: The unidentified airline entree served in-flight.
%%
AIR, n.  A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
the fattening of the poor.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Airplane. Guy is sitting asleep, fly open, completely exposed. Next aisle,
 a guy's sitting there. He looks over and sees him. He gets the stewardess
 and asks her for a pencil and a piece of paper. He writes:

 "Dear Sir: I'm seated across the aisle from you, and your fly is open and
 you're completely exposed. And I knew this note would avoid any
 embarrassment. Yours truly, Frank Martin.

 "P.S. I love you."
 -- Lenny Bruce
%%
Airplane: Lots of parts flying in close formation.
%%
:airplane rule: n. "Complexity increases the possibility of
   failure; a twin-engine airplane has twice as many engine problems
   as a single-engine airplane."  By analogy, in both software and
   electronics, the rule that simplicity increases robustness.  It is
   correspondingly argued that the right way to build reliable systems
   is to put all your eggs in one basket, after making sure that
   you've built a really *good* basket.  See also {KISS
   Principle}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, 1928
%%
Airplanes that don't fly so they don't crash.
 -- Polish invention
%%
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
%%
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #44
%%
Air traffic controllers do it by radar.
%%
Air Traffic Controllers do it in the dark.
%%
Air Traffic Controllers do it with their tongue.
%%
Air Traffic Controllers tell pilots how to do it.
%%
Air travel is hours of boredom puntuated by a few brief moments of terror.
 -- Charles Lindberg
%%
Airy ambition, soaring high.
 -- Sheffield
%%
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe,
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una  who slipped down a drain,
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
%%
AISG: Access and Improve Student Grade
%%
aitch, are, ay, bee, cue, dee, double u, ee, ef, el, em, en, ess, ex,
eye, gee, jay, kay, oh, pea, see, tee, vee, why, you, zee
 -- S. Harris, on the design of EBCDIC
%%
A jack of all trades is master of none.
%%
Ajax the great...
Himself a host.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book iii, Line 293
%%
A jerk. A real knee biter.
%%
A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.
%%
A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
Of him that makes it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
A Jewish gentleman marries into a Gypsy family.  As a wedding
gift, her father sets him up with a chain of empty stores.
%%
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
%%
A job is nice but it interferes with my BBS'ing...
%%
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
%%
A joint is just tea for two.
%%
A joint of mutton, and any pretty little tiny kick-shaws, tell William cook.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A joke is a very serious thing.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
A joke is like watching a woman get out of a car --
 sometimes you see it and sometimes you don't.
 -- Max Miller
%%
A joke isn't funny unless it offends SOMEONE.
%%
A journalist is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent
of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more
to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
A journey always begins with a farewell.
%%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
%%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with an argument over how to load the car.
%%
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
 -- Lao-Tsu, The Way of Lao-Tsu
%%
A journey of a thousand miles occasionally begins with the realization that
 a thousand miles is one hell of a long journey.
 -- Mick Stevens
%%
A joyful and pleasant thing it is to be thankful.
 -- Book of Common Prayer (1662)
 -- Psalm 147, v. 16
%%
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
A jug is carried under your coat for a dishonest reason.
%%
A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
Earthen vessels
Simply handed in through the window.
There is certainly no blame in this.
%%
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better
  lawyer.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
A jury is a group of twelve people of average ignorance.
 -- Herbert Spencer
%%
A jury should decide a case the minute they are shown it, before the
lawyers have had a chance to mislead them
%%
A Kamikaze Pilot enjoys the limitation of being a success but once.
%%
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
%%
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
"A keyboard... how quaint."
 -- Engineer Scott gives his considered opinion of a Macintosh -- Star Trek IV
%%
A KGB keyboard has no escape key.
%%
A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
%%
A kick in the butt is a step forward.
%%
A kick that scarce would move a horse
  May kill a sound divine.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Yearly Distress
%%
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
%%
A killa, a fool, a little arsed G...
%%
A killer stalks the halls of my high school. Innocent cheerleaders die
by knife. Teachers lock the classroom doors. I must find him, or I'll
flunk.
 -- From a poem by Peggy Nadramia
%%
A kind
Of excellent dumb discourse.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
A KING does it with his official seal
%%
A king of shreds and patches.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
A king's castle is his home.
%%
A king that would not feel his crown too heavy for him, must wear it
every day; but if he think it too light, he knoweth not of what metal it
is made.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
A king who was mad at the time,
Decreed limerick writing a crime;
    But late in the night
 All the poets would write
Verses without any rhyme or meter.
%%
A kiss is an operation, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of
 speech at a moment when words are utterly superfluous.
 -- Oliver Herford
%%
A kiss is a rosy dot over the 'i' of loving.
 -- Cyrano de Bergerac
%%
A kiss is the upper persuasion for lower invasion.
%%
A kiss:  the anatomical juxtaposition of 2 orbicularis oris muslces in a
state of contraction.
 -- Dr. Henry Gibbons
%%
A kiss:  To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid,
charity.
 -- V.P. Skipper
%%
A kitchen in every pot.  I mean, a pot in every -- I mean, a chicken
in every...
 -- George Bush, 1988
%%
``A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow,
beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave;
a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing,
super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that
wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the
composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir
of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if
thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.''
 -- Earl of Kent, _The_Tragedy_of_King_Lear_
%%
    A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground.  He rides off.
    We stay for a moment on the glade.  A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
    twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
    HUSBAND.
MRS HISTORIAN: FRANK!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
A knock-down argument: 't is but a word and a blow.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Amphitryon, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
ALA  - Australian League of Alcoholics
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Alabama astronomy - where all the galaxies have crimson tides.
%%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%%
A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency
 on my part.
%%
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
"A ladies man, eh?"
  "The problem is, I gotta fifty-year-old lust and a three-year-old dinky."
 -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?
%%
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.  I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
 -- Jake Johansen
%%
A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.
%%
A lady lost her cat, and took the cat in a little casket up to a big church
 and said, "I want you to bury my cat." And they run her off. She went to
 another church, and they run her off. She took the cat to a Baptist church
 on the edge of town, and told the preacher she couldn't find nobody to hold
 a service for her dead cat. And the man talked to her bad. "How dare you
 think that we bury cats?" She said, "Well, I'm frustrated and I'm prepared
 to give two thousand dollars to whoever gives a service for my cat." And
 the preacher said, "Lady, why didn't you tell me your cat was a Baptist?"
 -- Jerry Clower
%%
A lady wearing a chastity belt is not going to a ball.
%%
A lake on the mountain:
The image of Influence.
Thus the superior man encourages people to approach him
By his readiness to receive them.
%%
Alamak!!!
%%
A land flowing with milk and honey.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Exodus iii, 8; Jeremiah xxxii, 22
%%
A language is a dialect with an army and navy.
%%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not
 worth knowing.
%%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
 in than some that do.
 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
A lap behind the field.
%%
A large cloud of purple smoke appears before you.  It clears away to
reveal a tall sorcerer carrying a tape player and a myriad of tapes.  He
looks at everything and says "This adventure has lasted too long."  With
that, he gestures with his free hand and all around you fades into grey
nothingness.
%%
A large coil of rope is lying in the corner.
%%
A large dog will have a surprising effect on your life.
%%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work by being
declared to work.
 -- Anatol Holt
%%
A large part of [the purpose] of education may well be what men have
most feared and most desired -- the achievements of moments of ecstasy.
 -- George Leonard
%%
A large piece of rope descends from the railing above, ending some
five feet above your head.
%%
A large pizza, and a case of beer to go, please.
%%
A large sign on the wall reads "Grand central station".
%%
A large stalactite extends from the roof and almost reaches the floor
below.   You could climb down it, and jump from it to the floor, but
having done so you would be unable to reach it to climb back up.
%%
A large viper must be swallowed with extreme caution.
%%
A large winged fire breathing dragon has flown into the room with
you. you.
%%
Alarm clock: A machine that scares the daylights into you...
%%
Alarm clock: Something that makes people rise and whine...
%%
Alas, a virgin no more: I've lost my Himem...
%%
Alas! by some degree of woe
  We every bliss must gain;
The heart can ne'er a transport know
  That never feels a pain.
 -- Lord Lyttleton (1709-1773)
 -- Song
%%
Alas! can we ring the bells backward?  Can we unlearn the arts that
pretend to civilize, and then burn the world?  There is a march of
science; but who shall beat the drums for its retreat?
 -- Charles Lamb (1775-1834)
%%
A laser that allows you to perform surgery on the
system. . . .  and you don't need a PhD!
 -- MVS/ESA: Diagnosis: Tools and Service Aids LY28-1813-03
 -- 15.0 Chapter 15.  SPZAP
%%
Alas for love, if thou wert all,
  And naught beyond, O Earth!
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- The Graves of a Household
%%
Alas for the rarity
Of Christian charity
  Under the sun!
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- The Bridge of Sighs
%%
Alas! how light a cause may move
Dissension between hearts that love!
Hearts that the world in vain had tried,
And sorrow but more closely tied;
That stood the storm when waves were rough,
Yet in a sunny hour fall off,
Like ships that have gone down at sea
When heaven was all tranquillity.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Light of the Harem
%%
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
%%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
%%
Alas, `It' has gone limp, and `it' won't get up.
%%
Alas! it is not till time, with reckless hand, has torn out half the
leaves from the Book of Human Life to light the fires of passion with
from day to day, that man begins to see that the leaves which remain
are few in number.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Hyperion, Book iv, Chap. viii
%%
ALASKA:
       A prelude to "No."
%%
Alaska is our biggest, buggiest, boggiest state. Texas remains our largest
unfrozen state. But mountainous Utah, if ironed out flat, would take up more
space on a map than either.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Alaskan nights are 3 months long, can I sleep late?
%%
Alaska's chief attractions are: (a) its small and insignificant human
population, thanks to the miserable climate; and (b) its large and magnificent
wildlife population, thanks to (a). Both of these attractions are being
rapidly diminished, however, by (c) the Law of Growth and Space-Age Sleaze.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Alas! our young affections run to waste,
Or water but the desert.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 120
%%
Alas, poor Peri, not for us the pleasures of Phaestor 95 . . . I
    am a living peril to the universe.  If this poor hive is to be
   cleansed, there's only one recourse--contemplation, self-abnegation
   in some hellish wilderness--ten days, ten years, a thousand years,
   of what consequence is time to me?  I shall become a hermit, and you,
   child, shall be my disciple.
 -- Dr. Colin Baker, THE TWIN DILEMMA
%%
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times;
and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it.
Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where
be your gibes now; your gambols, your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your
own grinning? Quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber,
and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
come.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Alas, Poor Yorick, I think you're dead.
%%
Alas, poor yorliK, I knew him backwards.
%%
Alas, reason is not effective against faith, or against searches
for miracles by the desperate.
 -- Dr. Michael B. Shimkin
%%
Alas! regardless of their doom,
  The little victims play;
No sense have they of ills to come,
  Nor care beyond to-day.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- On a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Stanza 6
%%
Alas, should is not would.
%%
Alas, the love of women! it is known
  To be a lovely and a fearful thing.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto ii, Stanza 199
%%
Alas! The poor Tagline. I knew it well.
%%
Alas, there's not much left of the candles.  Certainly not enough to
burn.
%%
Alas! while the body stands so broad and brawny, must the soul lie
blinded, dwarfed, stupefied, almost annihilated? Alas! this was, too,
a breath of God, bestowed in heaven, but on earth never to be unfolded!
 -- Carlyle
%%
A law can give security--but the hope of a date is love.
%%
A LAW rocket beats four Aces!
%%
A law that prevents risks prevents love.
%%
A law which is not just does not seem to be law.
 -- St. Augustine
%%
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
%%
A lawyer and a pope died on the same day, and both went to heaven.
When the pope noticed that the lawyer had a larger mansion, he
questioned Saint Peter about the allocation of rewards.  The
justification was "Well, we've had 265 popes up here, but this is the
FIRST lawyer!"
%%
A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Normally we don't
 let you people in here but you're in luck, we have a special this week. You
 go to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come back
 up here for eternity."

 The lawyer says, "I'll take the deal."

 St. Peter says, "Good, I'll put you down for 212 years in hell ..."

 The lawyer says, "What are you talking about? I'm 65 years old!"

 St. Peter says, "Up here we go by billing hours."
 -- Orson Bean
%%
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
%%
A layman knows he has to kick it.; An amateur knows where to kick
it.; A professional knows how hard.
%%
Albania's export is furious political thought.
%%
Albatross, get your albatross ....
%%
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
Albert:  Coop, about the uniform.
Cooper:  Yes, Albert?
Albert:  Usually, replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie for the
         casual indifference of these muted earthtones is a form of fashion
         suicide.  But, call me crazy, on you it works.
 -- Agent Albert Rosenfield & Agent Dale Cooper, _Twin Peaks_
%%

 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Albert Einstein was a late talker as a child. His parents were
understandably worried. finally at the supper table one evening,
He broke his silence to say, The soup is too hot. Greatly relieved,
his parents asked why he never said a word before. Young Albert
replied, Because up to now everything was in order.
 -- From 'The Little, Brown Book Of Anecdotes' by Clifton Fadiman
%%
Albert:  I performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault.  Stomach contents re-
         vealed, let's see, beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bi-
         cycle tire, a goat, and a small wooden puppet.  Goes by the name of
         Pinocchio.
Cooper:  You're making a joke!
Albert:  I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations.
 -- Agent Albert Rosenfield & Agent Dale Cooper, _Twin Peaks_
%%
Albert's path is a strange and difficult one.
 -- Special Agent Dale Cooper, from Twin Peaks
%%
'Albert, stop telling God what to do.'
 -- Niels Bohr
%%
Albert:  You listen to _me_!  While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the
         fact is I am a nay-sayer and a hatchet man in the fight against
         violence!  I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take
         another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and
         King!  My concerns are _global_.  I reject absolutely revenge,
         aggression, and retaliation.  The foundation of such a method...
         is love.  I love you, Sheriff Truman.
Cooper:  Albert's is a strange and difficult path...
 -- Agent Albert Rosenfield & Agent Dale Cooper, _Twin Peaks_
%%
Al Bundy - An inspiration. A role model.
%%
Alcaeus mentions Aristodemus in these lines:--
'T is money makes the man; and he who 's none
Is counted neither good nor honourable.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Thales, vii
%%
Alcibiades had a very handsome dog, that cost him seven thousand drachmas;
and he cut off his tail, "that," said he, "the Athenians may have
this story to tell of me, and may concern themselves no further with
me."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Alcibiades
%%
Alcohol can impair one's judgement and spelllling.
%%
Alcohol, Chocolate, Crisps.  Who needs food?
%%
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
The surest poison is time.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Society and Solitude"
%%
[Alcoholic beverages] sloweth age, it strengtheneth youth, it helpeth
digestion, it abandoneth melancholie, it reliseth the heart, it
lighteneth the mind, it quickeneth the spirits, it keepeth and
preserveth the head from whirling, the eyes from dazzling, the tongue
from lisping, the mouth from snaffling, the teeth from chattering, and
the throat from rattling; it keepeth the stomach from wambling, the
heart from swelling, the hands from shivering, the sinews from
shrinking, the veins from crumbling, the bones from aching, and the
marrow from soaking.
 -- Anon. (13th Century)
%%
Alcoholic problems?
Yes, I can't afford it.
%%
Alcohol is good for you. My grandfather proved it irrevocably. He drank two
 quarts of booze every mature day of his life and lived to the age of 103. I
 was at the cremation--that fire would not go out.
 -- Dave Astor
%%
Alcoholism is not a disease, it's a goal.
%%
Alcohol is not a problem, until you can't get any.
%%
Alcohol kills brain cells. Brain cell: "Did you bring the oxygen?" Blood
 cell: "The oxygen? Oh boy, let's see. I was in the lungs. I headed toward
 the head. And ... I stopped to party with friends ... I just forgot." We
 take the only organ in our body that won't grow back and we kill it for
 fun!
 -- Carey Odes
%%
Alcohol prohibition didn't work; drug prohibition doesn't work; gun
prohibition won't work.
 -- Clayton E. Cramer, optilink!cramer
%%
Aldebaran's great, okay,
Algol's pretty neat,
Betelgeuse's pretty girls
Will knock you off your feet.
They'll do anything you like
Real fast and then real slow,
But if you have to take me apart to get me there
Then I don't want to go.

[Chorus]

Take me apart, take me apart,
What a way to roam
And if you have to take me apart to get me there
I'd rather stay at home.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Aldeborontiphoscophornio!
Where left you Chrononhotonthologos?
 -- Henry Carey (1663-1743)
 -- Chrononhotonthologos, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
ALDERMAN, n.  An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving
with a pretence of open marauding.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party
he is a leader.
 -- Harry S Truman
%%
A leader is a dealer in hope.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, emperor of France (1769-1821)
%%
A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his work
is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say, "We did this ourselves."
 -- Lao-Tse
%%
A leader leads from in front, by the power of example. A ruler pushes from
behind, by means of the club, the whip, the power of fear.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A leading authority is anyone who has guessed right more than once.
 -- Frank A. Clark
%%
Alea jacta est. [The die is cast.]
 -- Gaius Julius Caesar (100-44 B.C.) after crossing the Rubicon
%%
A 'lean and hungry' gentleman just wandered through.  Finding
nothing of value, he left disgruntled.
%%
A leap year is never a good sheep year.
%%
A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool.
%%
A legend in his own slime.
%%
A legend is an old man with a cane known for what he used to do. I'm
still doing it.
 -- Miles Davis (5/25/1926-1991)
%%
A legislator is to the voter as a chauffeur is to the employer.
%%
A leopard never changes his stripes.
 -- Al Gore
%%
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall....
%%
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one
down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
%%
Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph.
%%
ALERT!  ALERT!  No, Wait!  It's TWO Lerts!
%%
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
A level 25 player casts like crazy!
%%
Alexander: "Are you my father?"
Worf: "Yes...I am your father."
 -- "Reunion", Stardate unknown
%%
Alexander, beating Worf's head -- "NOT the *MAMA*!!"
%%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and
still waiting for a dial tone.
%%
Alexander Graham Bell was a 'phoney!
%%
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that
was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Alexander: "I don't want to be a warrior!"
 -- "Reunion", Stardate unknown
%%
Alexander: "No, no, no, no.  That was too easy.  Computer, Level Four."
 -- "A Fistful Of Datas", Stardate unknown
%%
Alexander Portnoy does it alone.
%%
Alexander said, "I assure you I had rather excel others in the knowledge
of what is excellent, than in the extent of my power and dominion."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Alexander
%%
Alexander was wont to say, "Were I not Alexander, I would be Diogenes."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Fortune or Virtue of Alexander the Great
%%
Alexander wept when he heard from Anaxarchus that there was an infinite
number of worlds; and his friends asking him if any accident had befallen
him, he returns this answer: "Do you not think it a matter worthy
of lamentation that when there is such a vast multitude of them, we
have not yet conquered one?"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- On the Tranquillity of the Mind
%%
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
     "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
  "That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
   "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
down."
%%
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $200.
%%
Alfafabet:  Backward letters used only on kid's clubhouse doors.
%%
Alf of Borg: All cats will be assimilated.
%%
Alfred Hitchcooking:  Stabbing frozen peas to get them to cook faster...
%%
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking
about.
%%
Algebra? Isn't that a seaweed undergarment?
%%
Algebraists do it in groups.
%%
Algebraists do it with homomorphisms.
%%
Algebra: What the Little Mermaid wears
%%
   Algie's last letter to Lidia was written only a few days before
he died, but reached her some weeks later, as he had neglected to mark
it 'Correo Aereo'.  In this letter he reported the discovery of several
new contradictions in terms and mentioned, among other things, that
Piero della Francesca died on the same day that Columbus discovered
America, and that there is in Mexico a rat poison called The Last
Supper.  Such information is hard to come by these days; now that Algie
was gone, Lidia could not readily think of another source.
 -- Shirley Hazzard, Nothing in Excess
%%
ALGOL 60 -- An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.
%%
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
important programming language yet developed.
 -- T. Cheatham
%%
Algol 60 was not only an improvement on its predecessors, but also on
nearly all its successors.
 -- C. A. R. Hoare
%%
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and
sweet tempered.  She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad
still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance.  He never
actually tasted much of her cooking.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece.  A high-society woman, well educated and terse.
Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still
discuss her mysterious personality.  She is very choosy about her romances
and won't take just any man as her lover.  She hasn't been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
ALGOL 68 -- An Austin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
can drive it.
%%
Algol 68 programmers do it od.
%%
Algol is not just a star
%%
Algol programmers block it out.
%%
Algol: The husband of Polygol, their missing daughter is Polygon.
%%
[Algol] was remarkable for its generality and elegance, particularly
 considering that it was designed by a committee.
 -- Bruce J. MacLennan
%%
Al Gore:  A Vulcan in desperate need of a blowjob.
%%
Al Gore for Starship Yamato engineer.
%%
Al Gore has it floored in neutral.
%%
Al Gore hugs trees.
%%
Al Gore - In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
%%
Al Gore is Howdy Doody's bastard son...
%%
Al Gore is really a tree in disquise.
%%
Al Gore makes Dan Quayle look like Albert Einstein.
%%
Al Gore's new job: organizing Clinton lemon cookie sales.
%%
Al Gore: the EDLIN of Vice-Presidents.
%%
Algore: The oldest known ancestor of the Borg...
%%
algorithm -- a syncopated drum beat developed by that famous rocker,
Wilbur Algo.
%%
Algorithmic analysts do it with a combinatorial explosion.
%%
Algorithm is a set of instructions. E.g. How to use the telephone:
If 'phone not working' then 'phone operator.'
%%
Algorithm...Is that Vice-Presidential Birth Control??
%%
Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs
 -- Niklaus Wirth
%%
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".
Maybe this explains the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
%%
ALGORITHM:
    Trendy dance for hip programmers.
%%
A liar isn't believed even when he speaks the truth.
%%
A liar must be good at remembering.
 -- Quintillian
%%
A liar should have a good memory.
 -- Quintilian (42-118 AD)
 -- Institutiones Oratoriae, i, iv, 2, 91
%%
:aliasing bug: n. A class of subtle programming errors that can
   arise in code that does dynamic allocation, esp. via
   `malloc(3)' or equivalent.  If several pointers address
   (`aliases for') a given hunk of storage, it may happen that the
   storage is freed or reallocated (and thus moved) through one alias
   and then referenced through another, which may lead to subtle (and
   possibly intermittent) lossage depending on the state and the
   allocation history of the malloc {arena}.  Avoidable by use of
   allocation strategies that never alias allocated core, or by use of
   higher-level languages, such as {LISP}, which employ a garbage
   collector (see {GC}).  Also called a {stale pointer bug}.
   See also {precedence lossage}, {smash the stack},
   {fandango on core}, {memory leak}, {memory smash},
   {overrun screw}, {spam}.

   Historical note: Though this term is nowadays associated with
   C programming, it was already in use in a very similar sense in the
   Algol-60 and FORTRAN communities in the 1960s.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
A liberal criticizes most what he understands least.
%%
A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested.  A conservative is a liberal
who's been mugged.
%%
A Liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in an argument.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
A liberal is a man who leaves a room when the fight begins.
 -- Heywood Hale Broun (1888-1939)
%%
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake, at the moment.
 -- Willis Player
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist,
 and too rich to be a communist.
%%
A liberal is someone who will let you do anything so
long as they're paid to help you do it
%%
A liberal is usually a wealthy person who is able to offer others advice on
 how they should spend their money.
%%
A liberal mind is a mind that is able to imagine itself believing
anything.
 -- Max Eastman (1883-1969)
%%
A liberal's data source: A guess.
%%
A liberal's generosity is limited only by your income.
%%
A libertarian, immoral society is enticing you to excesses.  Enjoy.
%%
A library is an arsenal of liberty.
%%
A library serves no purpose unless someone is using it.
 -- Mr. Atoz of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.7.
%%
A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting
on its shoes.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.
 -- Edgar J. Mohn
%%
A lie in time saves nine.
%%
A lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's
reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's
master, condemned from then on to faking the sort of reality that
person's view requires to be faked ...   The man who lies to the
world is the world's slave from then on.
 -- Hank Rearden
%%
A lie is a very poor way to say hello.
 -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
%%
A Lie is still a Lie, even if you believe it.
%%
Alienation can be fun.
%%
Alienation's for the rich.
%%
A lie never lives to be old.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Acrisius, Frag. 59
%%
ALIEN INVASION IMMINENT

It now known that an alien species has been watching this planet for
several years now. They have sent their scouts ahead, who have infiltrated
much of the civilised world. Thousands upon thousands of them live in our
big cities, inconspicuously placed. They can be found on many street
corners.. watching, ever vigilant. The little green men are among us.
Hidden in our traffic lights. Our raving reporter, Arnold Psychopath,
disguised as a little green man, infiltrated a secret little green man
meeting, at the Guild Of Little Green Men Who Want To Take Over The World.
A little green man army is said to be being raised, armed with lethal
bananas. Many of the little green men present were in fact well known
politicians, scientists, other significant public figures and New Kids On
The Block.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
alien: n. a being who travels great distances to molest our cattle
       and trample our grain.
%%
ALIEN, n.  An American sovereign in his probationary state.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ALIEN SAUCER MANUFACTURES RACE OF DESTRUCTIVE SUPER-ROSENS
%%
Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car!
%%
Aliens have invaded Earth! How else do you explain DOS?
%%
Aliens have invaded Earth! How else do you explain that?
%%
A lie should be trampled on and extinguished wherever found. I am for
fumigating the atmosphere, when I suspect that falsehood, like pestilence,
breathes around me.
 -- Carlyle
%%
A lie that can be passed off as truth becomes truth.
%%
A lie told often enough becomes the truth.
 -- Lenin
%%
A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous.
 -- Alfred Alder
%%
A life lived in fear is only half lived.
 -- Spanish proverb
%%
Al, I felt the baby kick!
 -- Sam Beckett.
%%
A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a
fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward.
 -- George Jean Nathan
%%
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful
  than a life spent doing nothing.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
A life spent worthily should be measured by a nobler line,--by deeds,
not years.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- Pizarro, Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what
 there is of it wrong.
%%
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
%%
A lifetime of happiness!  No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on
earth.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman"
%%
A life without cause is a life without effect
 -- Barbarella
%%
A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted
hearth - with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light
extinguished.
 -- Frank P. Tebbetts
%%
A life without tragedy would not be worth living.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A lighter Dark Beer is an oxymoron.
%%
A light supper, a good night's sleep and a fine morning have often
made a hero out of the same man, who, by indigestion, a restless
night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%%
Al, I just Leaped into a tagline.  What does Ziggy say?
%%
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility
 -- Aristotle
%%
A limerick depends for its clout
On rhythm and rhyme throughout.
     It grates on the ear
  Whenever you hear
A line that shows the poet knows rhyme, but not what rhythm's about.
 -- Thane Heiner
%%
A limerick is a primitive art form; it starts with a pair o'dactyls.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
 Into space that is quite economical.
         But the good ones I've seen
         So seldom are clean,
 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%%
Alimony and bribes will consume a large share of your wealth.
%%
Alimony: bounty after the mutiny, the high cost of leavin
%%
ALIMONY: Corruption of Middle English "Alle ye money".
%%
Alimony is a splitting headache.
%%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps
paying for it.
 Peggy Joyce
%%
Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.
%%
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
 -- Arthur Baer
%%
Alimony is paying for something you don't get.
%%
Alimony? ...sounds kinda like "all yer money"
%%
Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping
%%
Alimony: the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
%%
A lion among ladies is a most dreadful thing: for there is not a more
fearful wild-fowl than your lion living.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
 -- Alan J. Perlis
%%
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
 -- Don Knuth
%%
A Lithuanian Left Handed Golfing Assoc. Board?!  (grin)
%%
A little a'disk & a little a'data...
%%
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
 -- Charles Suhor
%%
A little bench of heedless bishops here,
And there a chancellor in embryo.
 -- William Shenstone (1714-1763)
 -- The Schoolmistress, Stanza 28
%%
A little bit of perfume doesn't hurt you if you don't drink it.
 -- Darrell Royal
%%
A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
 -- Norman Mailer
%%
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.
%%
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry
 -- Bismarck
%%
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
A little dab'll do ya.
%%
A little dart shoots out at you!
%%
A little Dobbs'll do you.
 -- Emle O'Day
%%
A little dwarf just walked around a corner, saw you, threw a little
axe at you which missed, cursed, and ran away.
%%
A little dwarf with a big knife blocks your way.
%%
A little enthusiasm never hurt anybody....
%%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
 -- Cadman
%%
A little fire is quickly trodden out;
Which, being suffered, rivers cannot quench.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act iv, Sc. 8
%%
A little flattery will support a man through great fatigue.
 -- James Monroe
%%
A little folly is desirable in him that will not be guilty of stupidity.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Book iii, Chap. ix
%%
A little fool is in the mind of a consistent hobgoblin.
%%
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life,
but only a fool trusts either of them.
 -- P.J. O'Rourke
%%
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
%%
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.
 -- Tevye
%%
A little help contributes to a better world..
%%
A little hobgoblin fools consistent minds.
%%
A little hobgoblin is a consistently foolish mind.
%%
A little hockey is good for your health - pick me up at 8:00?
%%
A little humility is arrogance.
 -- Bill Gray
%%
A little hush money can do a lot of talking.
%%
 A little ignorance can go a long way.
 -- Gerrold's Law
%%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
 -- Saki [H. H. Munro] (1870-1916), "The Square Egg"
%%
A little in one's own pocket is better than much in another man's purse.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Chap. vii
%%
A little kindness is all you need.
%%
A little knowledge is dangerous, and boy, am I dangerous!
%%
A little LAN will do it!
%%
A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
 -- Bob Edwards
%%
A little learning is a dangerous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
And drinking largely sobers us again.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 15
%%
A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump.
 -- New Testament
 -- Galatians v, 9
%%
A little light in his loafers.
%%
A little Madness in the Spring
Is wholesome even for the King.
 -- Emily Dickinson
%%
A little mind is the hobgoblin of consistent fools.
%%
A little month.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A little more moderation would be good. Of course,
my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation.
 -- Donald Trump, in "Time", 16 January 1989
%%
A little more than kin, and less than kind.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A little neglect may breed great mischief for the want of a shah,
Iran was lost; for the want of Iran, the hostages were lost; and
for the want of the hostages, I'd be lost.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail the shoe was
lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse
the rider was lost.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.
 -- Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
%%
A little nukie never hurt anyone.
%%
A little of a good thing can go a long way, like for example, garlic.
%%
A little of what you fancy does you good.
%%
A little one shall become a thousand, and a small one a strong nation.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah lx, 22
%%
A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, but depth in
philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Atheism
%%
A little philosophy tends to despise learning; much philosophy leads men to
esteem it.
%%
A little Prozac and a polo mallet.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
A little red button awaits to be pushed !
%%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software
systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart
projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are
those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great
designers.  Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk
interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol,
MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
 -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr.
%%
A little revolution every now and then is good...
%%
A little round, fat, oily man of God.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Castle of Indolence, Canto i, Stanza 69
%%
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction
to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
%%
A little rule, a little sway,
A sunbeam in a winter's day,
Is all the proud and mighty have
Between the cradle and the grave.
 -- John Dyer (1700-1758)
 -- Grongar Hill, Line 88
%%
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is
 absolutely fatal.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
A little sleep is all we're losin'..It's up to us to do the chosin'-DB
%%
A little suffering is good for the soul.
 -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
%%
A little sweat never drowned anyone yet.
%%
A little thing before your eyes all the time.
(An eyelash)
%%
A little too wise, they say, do ne'er live long.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Phoenix, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A little truth helps the lie go down.
%%
A little vagueness goes a long way in this business.
 -- Edmund G. "Pat" Brown, Jr.
%%
A little virtue will never hurt you.
 -- Piet Hein
%%
A little woman fell in love with a man 90 years old--until she made a date
 with him. She goes out with him that night, and a friend says the next
 morning, "How did you like him?" She says, "I had to slap his face three
 times!" The friend says, "Why, did he get fresh?" She said, "No, I thought
 he was dead."
 -- Mickey Katz
%%
Alive, and simply delighted!
%%
A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles.
Structurally, there's no discernible difference.  Life and death are
unquantifiable abstracts.  Why should I be concerned?
%%
Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail ever clinking.
%%
A living dog is better than a dead lion.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes ix, 4
%%
Al Jeeter: Goes to same job every day!
%%
All a biker needs is a tight paceline, a loose groove,
and a warm place to sprint.
%%
All above
is my opinion unless
specified otherwise.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
All absolute pronouncements are incorrect.
%%
All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.
%%
All advances by degrees in Nature, and nothing by leaps, and this
law as applied to each, is part of my doctrine of Continuity.  Although
there may exist in some other world species intermediate between Man
and the Apes, Nature has thought it best to remove them from us, in
order to establish our superiority beyond question.  I speak of intermediate
species, and by no means limit myself to those leading to Man.  I
strongly approve of the research for analogies; plants, insects, and
Comparative Anatomy will increase these analogies, especially when
we are able to take advantage of the microscope more than at present.
 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, Protogaea, 1749
%%
All a green willow, willow,
All a green willow is my garland.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- The Green Willow
%%
ALLAH, n.  The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the
Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

    Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,
    And ever for the sins of man have wept;
        And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
    Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
                                                         Junker Barlow
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Allah sucks and you're all a bunch of towelheads!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
the center of the terminal.
Nobody ever had a reservation on a plane that left Gate 1.
 -- Walters' Rule
%%
All airline pilots sound like Johnny Cash.
%%
All alone now, except for the memories of what we had, and what we knew.
%%
All Alone: Saul E. Terry
%%
All a MACRO hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs,
and a warm place to shift.
%%
All a man can betray is his conscience.
 -- Joseph Conrad
%%
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
%%
All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of
profile that looks good on a postage stamp.
 -- B.B. Franklin
%%
All ambitions are lawful except those which climb upward on the miseries
or credulities of mankind.
 -- Joseph Conrad
%%
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
 -- Herb Caen
%%
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
 -- George Orwell (1903-1950), "Animal Farm" 1945
%%
All animals undergo perpetual transformations; which are in part
produced by their own exertions... and many of these acquired forms
or propensities are transmitted to their posterity.
 -- Erasmus Darwin, Zoonomia, 1794 (Darwin's grandfather)
%%
All answers questioned here.
%%
All are but parts of one stupendous whole,
Whose body Nature is, and God the soul.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 267
%%
All are in accord. Remorse disappears.
%%
All are more or less sick; there is not a perfectly sane man in San Francisco.
 -- John Muir
%%
All are sacred to the Lord and Lady.
%%
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
[ all that glitters is not gold. ]
%%
All art is a revolt against man's fate.
 -- Andre Malraux, Voices of Silence
%%
All art is autobiographical. The pearl is the oyster's autobiography.
 -- Federico Fellini
%%
All art is but imitation of nature.
 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%%
All art is quite useless.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
All authority belongs to the people.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
All authority is quite degrading.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
ALL:   A witch!  A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
ALL:   Burn her!  Burn her!  Let's make her into a ladder.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.
 It's an aphrodisiac.
%%
All babies speak Klingonese.
%%
All ballpoint pens are lost before they run out of ink.
%%
All barkers are not side show hawkers.
%%
All beginnings are difficult.
%%
All Bibles are man-made.
 -- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
%%
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock and chain.
 -- Bicycle Law
%%
All bigots will be reincarnated as gay, homeless people of color!
%%
ALL bikini clad women, proceed to move to California.
%%
All biography is ultimately fiction.
%%
All bits are created equal.
%%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
 -- Alan Truscott
%%
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the
earth and never return.
 -- John Corcoran
%%
All business proceeds on beliefs, or judgements or probabilities, and
not on certainties..
 -- Charles Eliot
%%
All business sagacity reduces itself in the last analysis to a judicious
 use of sabotage.
 -- Thorstein Veblen
%%
All cats are NOT gray after midnight.  Endless variety ...
%%
All censorships exist to prevent any one from challenging current
conceptions and existing institutions. All progress is initiated by
challenging current conceptions, and executed by supplanting existing
institutions. Consequently the first condition of progress is the
removal of censorships.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly things; but yet a man
of the world should know them. They are the outworks of manners and
decency, which would be too often broken in upon, if it were not
for that defense, which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It
is for this reason that I always treat fools with great ceremony:
true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
All change is not growth; all movement is not forward.
 -- Ellen Glasgow
%%
All changes are good.
%%
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their
 melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part
 of ourselves; we must die to one life before we
 can enter another."
 -- Anatole France (1844-1924)
%%
All children are morbid.   It is their one saving grace.   (Truman Capote)
%%
All Chocolate things are good, especially women!
%%
All clowns are masked, all personae flow from choices.
%%
All committee reports conclude that, "It is not prudent to change
the policy [or procedure, or organization, or whatever] at this time."
 -- Thomas L. Martin
%%
All computers crash at the same speed.
%%
All computers run at the same speed...  with the power off.
%%
All computers wait at the same speed.
 -- Crayne's law
%%
 All conservatives are such from personal defects.   They
have been effeminated by position or nature, born halt and blind,
through luxury of their parents, and can only, like invalids, act
on the defensive.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
 -- Wilner's Observation
%%
All countries hate their immediate neighbors and like the next but one.
(For example, the Poles hate the Germans, Russians, Czechs, and
Lithuanians, and they like the French, Hungarians, Italians, and Latvians.)
 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
All courageous animals are carnivorous, and greater courage is to
be expected in a people, such as the English, whose food is strong
and hearty, than in the half starved commonalty of other countries.
 -- Sir W. Temple
%%
All creatures must learn to coexist. That's why the brown bear and the
 field mouse can share their lives and live in harmony. Of course, they
 can't mate or the mice would explode.
 -- Betty White (in The Golden Girls)
%%
All crowd, who foremost shall be damn'd to fame.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book iii, Line 158
%%
All crown, no filling.
%%
All cruelty springs from weakness.
 -- Seneca
%%
===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
%%
All dams are ugly, but the Glen Canyon Dam is sinful ugly.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All day long the superior man is creatively active.
At nightfall his mind is beset with cares.
Danger. No blame.
%%
All day long you mutter to yourself...gibber, dribble, moan, and bang
  your head against the wall, yelling, 'I want to die!'. Now you may
  say I'm leaping to conclusions, but...you're not _completely_
  happy, are you?
 -- Kate to her father : Bells
%%
All day prospectin', and all I found wuz this funny-colored boulder.
%%
All decisions are based on insufficient evidence.
 -- Nickel Hunsenmeir
%%
All delays are dangerous in war.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Tyrannic Love, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
 -- The RPCISPE's Eighth Universal Law
%%
All dentists must hum a medley of Barry Manilow tunes during root canal work.
%%
All diagnostics are fatal.
%%
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
 -- Chou En-lai (1898-1976)
%%
"All dis talk ! Vy can't ve chust climb !"
 -- John Salathe
%%
All dressed up, with nowhere to go.
 -- William Allen White
%%
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and
thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink,
to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.
 -- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)
%%
ALLEGIANCE, n.

    This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
    Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
    Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
    To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe
%%
:all-elbows: [MS-DOS] adj. Of a TSR (terminate-and-stay-resident)
   IBM PC program, such as the N pop-up calendar and calculator
   utilities that circulate on {BBS} systems: unsociable.  Used to
   describe a program that rudely steals the resources that it needs
   without considering that other TSRs may also be resident.  One
   particularly common form of rudeness is lock-up due to programs
   fighting over the keyboard interrupt.  See {rude}, also
   {mess-dos}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
All electronic components have smoke inside them, once this is released
they will cease to function.
%%
All elevated thinking ends in a sigh.
%%
All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP.
%%
All exact science is dominated by the idea of approximation.
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
%%

all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
 -- Cher
%%
All experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world.
 -- Tennyson
%%
All extremes are error.  The reverse of error is not truth, but error still.
Truth lies between extremes.
 -- Cecil
%%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%%
All fantasy should have a solid base in reality.
 -- Sir Max Beerbohm
%%
All files, papers, memos, etc.,
that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of,
when they will become essential and indispensable.
 -- John Corcoran
%%
All five second fuzes will burn down in three seconds.
%%
All flesh is grass.
 -- Isaiah
Smoke a friend today.
%%
All flesh is grass.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xl, 6
%%
All food must be removed from this refrigerator on Friday for cleaning.
%%
All forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
%%
All forms of government are pernicious, including good government.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All for one and every man for himself.
%%
All for one and one for ONE!
%%
All for one; one for all, except me above all.
%%
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
%%
All Gaul is divided into three parts: igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary.
 -- Geologist Wilson Hinckley
%%
 All generalizations are bad.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
 -- Corollary: All statements must be specific.
%%
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
 -- Alexandre Dumas
%%
All generalizations are dangerous, perhaps even this one. There are
 exceptions to the rule, but this does not appear to be one of them.
%%
All Generalizations Are False, Generally!
%%
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
%%
All generalizations stink.
%%
All general statements are false, except this one.
%%
All general statements are false.
 -- The Ultimate Law (R. H. Grenier)
%%
All go down the hooooooole.
 -- Baby Plucky.
%%
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
 barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is
 the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty
 of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is
 a possibility, you are not attractive--you are leaking.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
All gods have feet of clay.
%%
All gold is fool's gold.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they
had really happened.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
...all good growth is slow growth.
 --  William J. Gaynor (1849-1913), American Politician
%%
All good management is the expression of one great idea.
%%
All good things are wild, and free.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
All Good Things Come In Numbers . . .
%%
All good things must come to an end.
%%
All good things which exist are the fruits of originality.
 -- John Stuart Mill
%%
All government,--indeed, every human benefit and enjoyment, every
virtue and every prudent act,--is founded on compromise and barter.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Speech on the Conciliation of America, Vol. ii, p. 169
%%
All government programs have three things in common: a beginning,
a muddle, and no end.
%%
All Governments, including the worst on earth and the most tyrannical on
earth, are free Governments to that portion of the people who voluntarily
support them.
 -- Lysander Spooner
%%
All governments need enemies. How else to justify their existence?
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All governments require enemy governments.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All governments thieve, some just steal less
%%
All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
 -- Young's Law
The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.
 -- Corollary
%%
All great friendships start with a small act of spontaneity.
%%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%%
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Annajanska"
%%
All growth depends upon activity.  There is no development physically
or intellectually without effort, and effort means work.
 -- Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)
%%
All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremedited act
without the benefit of experience.
 -- Henry Miller, writer
%%
All guns are loaded.
%%
ALL HAIL THE WIZZARD!!!
%%
All hammer, no nail.
%%
All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
 -- John Gunther
%%
All hat and no cattle.
%%
All heiresses are beautiful.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
%%
All hell broke loose.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 918
%%
All hell shall stir for this.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
All hierarchies contain administrators and managers, and they tend
to appear at alternating levels in the hierarchy.
 -- Thomas L. Martin
%%
All his faults observed,
Set in a note-book, learn'd, and conn'd by rote.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
 -- Yoda
%%
All his successors gone before him have done 't; and all his ancestors
that come after him may.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
All history shows that every man who has authority is led to abuse it;
 he does not stop until he comes up against limitations...Things must be
    so arranged that one authority checks another.
 -- Montesquieu
%%
All hockey players are equal, except some can SHOOT harder than others.
%%
All hockey players are equal, except some SCORE more often than others.
%%
All hope abandon, ye who bounced lots of checks!
%%
All hope abandon, ye who enjoy tax forms.
%%
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
%%
All hope abandon, ye who press ENTER here.
%%
All horses in Ft. Lauderdale must have horns and taillights.
%%
All human acts involve more chance than decision.
%%
All human discoveries seem to be made only for the purpose of confirming
more and more strongly the truths that come from on high and are
contained in the sacred writings.
 -- John F. Herschel
%%
All human history attests
That happiness for man,--the hungry sinner!--
Since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto xiii, Stanza 99
%%
All human life ends when you take a "dirt nap."
%%
All human race, from China to Peru,
Pleasure, howe'er disguis'd by art, pursue.
 -- Thomas Warton (1728-1790)
 -- Universal Love of Pleasure
%%
All humans are subject to decay.
%%
All human wisdom is summed up in two words -- wait and hope.
 -- Alexandre Dumas the Elder
%%
All humor is derrived from pain, ergo nothing in Heaven is funny.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
ALLIANCE, n.  In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they
cannot separately plunder a third.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
money doesn't buy happiness.
%%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
 importance.
%%
All I ask of my body is that it carry around my head.
 -- Thomas Alva Edison
%%
"All I can say is that if, whenever you are asked where you live, you seize
yourself by the throat and start choking, it is apt to cause comment"
 -- R. Hull
%%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
... All ideas need to be heard, because each idea contains one aspect of the
truth. By examining that aspect, we add to our own idea of the truth. Even
ideas that have no truth in them whatsoever are useful because by disproving
them, we add support to our own ideas.
 -- John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty"
%%
All I ever think of is hex.
%%
ALLIGATOR, n.  The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to
the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.  Herodotus
says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces
crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the
other rivers.  From the notches on his back the alligator is called a
sawrian.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Alligators have the right idea. They eat their young.
 -- Eve Arden (in Mildred Pierce)
%%
All I have to do is imagine, and I am in dreamland.
%%
All I hear is diet, diet and more diet. If I wanted to lose weight I'd go
 to a regular paint store, since most of these places sell thinner.
%%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
 -- Kingfish
%%
All I know is there's somethin' funny about this blood...
%%
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
 -- Samuel Beckett
%%
All I know of love is that Love is all there is.
 -- Emily Dickinson
%%
All impediments in fancy's course
Are motives of more fancy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), All 's Well that Ends Well
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
All in all, I'd rather be in Tumwater.
%%
All in all, I'd rather be moose hunting.
%%
All in all, the fishing was Crappie...
%%
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
%%
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
 -- Young's Law of Inanimate Mobility
%%
All I need is a Tall Ship and a star to steer by . . .
%%
All I need is a Wave and a board to surf it on.
%%
All I need is hard wind, a 3.5 sq. meter sail, and an attitude.
%%
All I need is some peace & Quiet. If I got a piece I'd be quiet:-)
%%
All I need to know I learned from my cat.
%%
All in favor of telekinesis, raise my hands.
%%
All in favor say aye.
%%
All information should be free.
 -- Steven Levy
%%
All innovation is accomplished by lazy people who were tired of
doing things the hard way.
%%
All intelligent thoughts have already been thought; what is necessary is
only to try to think them again.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
All interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm-
no matter how innocuous the procedure.
%%
All in the Downs the fleet was moor'd.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Sweet William's Farewell to Black-eyed Susan
%%
All in the valley of death
  Rode the six hundred.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Charge of the Light Brigade, Stanza 1
%%
All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how
to be I learned in kindergarten.  Remember the Dick-and-Jane books
and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--look.
 -- Robert Fulghum
%%
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
%%
All is but lip wisdom which wants experience.
 -- Sir Philip Sydney
%%
All is concentr'd in a life intense,
Where not a beam, nor air, nor leaf is lost,
But hath a part of being.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 89
%%
All is ephemeral,--fame and the famous as well.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 35
%%
All is fear in love and war.
%%
All is fish that comth to net.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
All is flux, nothing stays still.
 -- Heraclitus (540?-480? B.C.)
%%
All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds.
%%
All "isms" are really "wasms".
%%
All is not gold that glisteneth.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- A Fair Quarrel, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
All is not gold that glisters.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
All is not Gospell that thou doest speake.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. ii
%%
All is One? But One is so Many!
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All is said and done, people keep saying and doing.
%%
All is true given the right premises.
%%
All is vanity and vexation of spirit.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes i, 14
%%
All is well that endes well.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. x
%%
All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss.
 -- Douglas Adams
%%
All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson.  "Be
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table.  Well, Laurie
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
that have queens as sovereign rulers.  That's probably my best shot.
%%
All i wanna do, I wanna zoom zoom zoom...
%%
All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
%%
All I want for Christmas is a dead Jim Kirk!
%%
All I want for Christmas is Santa's list of naughty girls
%%
All I want is a hot woman, cold beer and unlimited power.
%%
All I want is a LITTLE more than I can spend!
%%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
All I want is the same as everyone: Why am I here, and for how long?
%%
All I want is the truth.
%%
All I want to know is: WHY ME?
%%
All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you
endorse it.
 -- President George Bush, on his economic growth
 -- proposal, speaking to Colorado Governor Roy Romer
%%
All jargon of the schools.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- I am that I am, An Ode
%%
All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have to do them.
 -- Holt's Law
%%
All jobs require at least one extra visit to the DIY centre.
%%
All jokes copyrighted.  Please send 50 cents for each use
%%
All kings is mostly rapscallions.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
All kin' o' smily round the lips,
  An' teary round the lashes.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, Second Series, The Courtin'
%%
All knowledge is contained in fandom
%%
All last year we tried to teach him English, and the only word he learned
 was million.
 -- Tommy Lasorda, on pitcher Fernando Valenzuela
%%
All laws are basically false.
 -- Larkinson's Law
%%
All laws are simulations of reality.
 -- John C. Lilly
%%
All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the
letter.
%%
All lawyers should be shot.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
All learned, and all drunk!
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iv, The Winter Evening, Line 478
%%
All left-handed people, please raise your right hand!
%%
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
 -- Dawkins
%%
All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat"
%%
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Experience"
%%
All life is barriers. All growth is the transcendence of barriers. It's the
dividing line that makes everything possible. Without it, there's nothing but
soup.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
All life is based on death. Nothing exists except by feeding on something else.
Even photosynthesis depends on the heat-death of the sun. Humanity is not
exempt. Embalming doesn't cheat the worms, it cheats the system. But only
temporarily.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
All little girls were born to become women.
All little boys were born with the hope of becoming men.
%%
All looks yellow to a jaundiced eye.
%%
"All Lord Julius demands is total and complete obedience
and more money every time we pay him.  He's being quite
reasonable, really..."
 -- Cerebus
%%
All lovers swear more performance than they are able, and yet reserve
an ability that they never perform; vowing more than the perfection
of ten, and discharging less than the tenth part of one.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Troilus and Cressida
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
All machines are amplifiers.
 -- Cooper's Law
%%
All mailwomen have perfect posture.
%%
All major bugs in a software project will turn up five minutes
before it is due.
 -- Murphy's Eleventh Law of Programming
%%
All major production changes will be requested when assembly is nearly
complete.
 -- The RPCISPE's Ninth Universal Law
%%
All-male club--Homeless street men!
%%
All mankind is divided into three classes:  those that are
immovable, those that are moveable, and those that move.
 -- Arabic proverb
%%
All mankind love a lover.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards
 that causes all the trouble.
%%
All marriages are mixed marriages.
 -- Chantal Saperstein
%%
All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn
the art of making love.  Good battle is objective and honest - never
vicious or cruel.  Good battle is helthy and constructive, and brings
to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.
 -- Ann Landers
%%
All Marxists, basically, are reactionaries, yearning for the Oriental
 despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded
 the rise of self-consciousness and egoism.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson, writing as Justin Case.
%%
All math classes begin at 8 AM; also, movies on Federal Government.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
All mathematics are trivial.
 -- Mike Roddy
%%
All mathochists suffer from calculust.
%%
All may yet be very well, Bob.
%%
All men are born equal.  The tough job is to outgrow it.
%%
All men are born naked.
 -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
%%
All men are brothers.
 -- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9.
%%
All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.
 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
All men are created equal.  All women are created superior.
%%
All men are created equal, but some must be sent to Siberia.
%%
All men are created unequal.
 --  Lazarus Long
%%
All men are different, but husbands are all alike.
%%
All men are free of other men's good.
 -- Proverb
%%
All men are like Arabs.
%%
            All men are poets at heart
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
            All poets are mad
 -- Robert Burton
%%
All men are rapists and that's all they are.  They rape us with their eyes,
 their laws and their codes.
%%
All men can be lead to believe the lie they want to believe.
 -- Italo Bombolini
%%
All men can be reached by flattery, even God can (what, after all, is prayer?).
 -- Italo Bombolini
%%
   All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty
     recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but
    the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream
    with open eyes, to make it possible.
 -- T. E. Lawrence _The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
%%
All men have their price.
 -- commonly ascribed to Sir Robert Walpole (1676-1745)
%%
All men have the right to wait in line.
 -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
%%
All men know the utility of useful things;
but they do not know the utility of futility.
 -- Chuang-tzu
%%
All men look like geeks for a period of 72 hours following a haircut.
%%
All men possess in their bodies a poison which acts upon serpents;
and the human saliva, it is said, makes them take to flight, as though
they had been touched with boiling water. The same substance, it is
said, destroys them the moment it enters their throat.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book vii, Sect. 15
%%
All men profess honesty as long as they can.
To believe all men honest would be folly.
To believe none so is something worse.
 -- John Quincy Adams (1767-1848)
%%
All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from,
 and to, and why.
 -- James Thurber
%%
All men that are ruined, are ruined on the side of their natural propensities.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France,
 -- Letter i, On a Regicide Peace, Vol. v, p. 286
%%
All men think all men mortal but themselves.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Night Thoughts, Night i, Line 424
%%
All men who have turned out
worth anything have had
the chief hand in their
own education.
 -- Sir Walter Scott-
%%
All military type firearms are to be handed in immediately... The SS,
SA and Stahlhelm give every respectable German man the opportunity of
campaigning with them.   Therefore anyone who does not belong to one of
the above named organisations and who unjustifiably nevertheless keeps
his weapon... must be regarded as an enemy of the national government.
 -- SA Oberfuhrer of Bad Tolz, March, 1933.
%%
All mimsy were the borogoves.
%%
All missile, no warhead.
%%
All moderation should be done in MODERATION!
%%
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called
Huckleberry Finn. American writting comes from that. There was nothing
before. There has been nothing as good since.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
 -- The Green Hills of Africa, Ch. 1
%%
All modern men are descended from a wormlike creature, but it shows more on
 some people.
 -- Will Cuppy
%%
All modern thought is permeated by the idea of thinking the unthinkable:
 -- Michel Foucault
%%
All monsters are created evil, but some are more evil than others.
%%
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
%%
All movements go too far.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
 sane.
%%
All my friends are dead. My pet spider, Sammy. Katy the worm, Bertie
  the bird. Everyone except Neville the Fat Hamster.
I'm afraid Neville bought it too, Baldrick. I'm sorry.
Neville gone, sir?
...Actually not quite _gone_, he's in the corner, bunging up the
  sink.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
All my friends are getting married,
Yes, they're all growing old,
They're all staying home on the weekend,
They're all doing what they're told.
%%
All my friends would ask me where it's all leading to...
%%
All my good taglines are one character too lon
%%
All my good tag lines are on my other computer.
%%
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
 Now I see that I should have been more specific.
 -- Jane Wagner, _The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe_
 -- [Performed by Lily Tomlin]
%%
All my troubles seem so far away.
%%
    All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian,
      or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up
     to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
All nations and kindreds and tongues.
 -- New Testament
 -- Revelation vii, 9
%%
All nature is but art, unknown to thee;
All chance, direction, which thou canst not see;
All discord, harmony not understood;
All partial evil, universal good;
And spite of pride, in erring reason's spite,
One truth is clear, Whatever is, is right.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 289
%%
All Nature's wildness tells the same story: the shocks and outbursts of
earthquakes, volcanoes, geysers, roaring , thundering waves and floods, the
silent uproot of sap in plants, storms of every sort, each and all, are the
orderly, beauty-making love-beats of Nature's heart.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
All Nature wears one universal grin.
 -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
 -- Tom Thumb the Great, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
ALL new, innovative technologies travel a sinusoidal market curve
of excitement (hype), disappointment over perceived problems
and rounds of progress and roadblocks.
 -- from a Gartner report by J. Baylock and G. Sundt
%%
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills
after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
 -- Anonymous
%%
ALL NEW ............ The software is not compatible with previous versions
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
All numbers are totally irrelevant, unless you're doing Astrophysics.
%%
All obstacles not foreseen will be tripped over.
%%
All obvious theorems are true.
 -- Pommersheim's Principle
 All true theorems are obvious.
 -- Keane's Kriterion
%%
All of Adventuredom gives tribute to you, Adventurer Grandmaster!
%%
All of a sudden I noticed she was saying my daughter, my son, my silver, my
 furniture, my house, and your friends, your troubles, your worries, your
 problems, and your fault.
 -- H. Martin
%%
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
 grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
 ...  Although I don't know WHY!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All of Finagle's Rules may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.
 -- Wingo's Axiom
%%
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All of life is a war.
%%
All of our best and oldest legends recognize that time
 passes and that people grow old and die.
 -- Alan Moore, The Dark Knight Returns
%%
All of our institutions must now turn their full intention
to the great task ahead
 -- to humanize our lives and thus to humanize our society.
 -- James Perkins
%%
All of the animals excepting man know that the principal business of
life is to enjoy it.
 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is
 broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year.
 Not all bits have equal value.
 -- Carl Sagan
%%
All of the chaos makes perfect sense.
%%
All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
All of the sensor screens show the same thing -- endless stars and a
vast void of nothingness.  A small status indicator reads "Condition
green".
%%
All of the stars are to be found only up in the sky.
%%
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%%
All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention
to criticism.
 -- North DeKalb Kiwanis Club Beacon
%%
All of us have mortal bodies, composed of perishable matter, but the
soul lives forever:  it is a portion of the Deity housed in our bodies.
 -- Flavius Josephus
%%
All of us learn to write in the second grade.  Most of us go on
  to greater things.
 -- Bobby Knight
%%
All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the
follies, or expiating the mistakes of our youth.
 -- Shelley
%%
 "All of you out there who believe in telepathy, raise your hand."
 "All right. Now, everyone who believes in telekinesis...raise MY hand."
 -- Dennis Owens
%%
All On-Line readers, press the un-documented ALT-H combination now...
%%
All opinions expressed are mine. Never mind who I work for.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
All opinions expressed herein are my own and
not those  of my company,  unless explicitly
stated. Permission is hereby granted for use
in follow-up articles, FAQ's and digests.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
All other boards have no RIME or reason...
%%
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
 -- Vic Gold
%%
All our actions take their hues from the complexion of the heart.
As landscapes their variety from light.
 -- W. T. Bacon
%%
 All our answering machines are busy.  Please hold.  (Pause.)
 All our answering machines are...  (CLICK)  This is the
 answering machine of...
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
All our geese are swans.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subsect. 14
%%
All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions.
 -- Leonardo da Vinci
%%
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death
than the animals that know nothing.
 -- Maurice Maeterlinck
%%
All our taglines are busy Sir. One will be with you shortly...
%%
All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system,
there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless,
that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.
 -- Noam Chomsky
%%
Allowing for seasonal adjustments, things are actually getting better.
%%
Allow me to congratulate you sir.   You have the most totally
closed mind that I've ever encountered.
 -- Pertwee Doctor, FRONTIER IN SPACE
%%
Allow no man to be so free with you as to praise you to your face.  Your
vanity by this means will want its food.  At the same time your passion
for esteem will be more fully gratified; men will praise you in their
actions: where you now receive one compliment, you will then receive
twenty civilities.
 -- Steele
%%
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
 -- Aristotle
%%
All papers after the top are upside-down or backwards, until
you right the pile. Then the process repeats.
 -- Vile's Law of Grading Papers
%%
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you
can't get them together again, there must be a reason.      By all means, do
not use a hammer.
 -- IBM maintenance manual (1925)
%%
All passions that suffer themselves to be relished and digested are
but moderate.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book i, Chap. ii, Of Sorrow
%%
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
All people are not people friendly!!!!
%%
All people smile in the same language.
%%
All people walk through life, some always looking back, others always looking
forward. I always look upward.
 -- Sly
%%
All perception is inferential; all inference uncertain; all theory,
 a combination of perception an inference, is therefore educated guessing.
 -- de Selby, _Golden Hours_, I, 93
%%
All perfect republics are perfect nonsense. The craving to risk death is
our last great perversion. We come from night, we go into night. Why live
in night?
 -- John Fowles, The Magus
%%
All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be
construed.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut
%%
ALL: petroleum.  "They found all on mah land!"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
All philosophy lies in two words: sustain and abstain.
 -- Epictetus
%%
All phone calls are obscene.
 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
%%
"All pitchers are liars and crybabies."
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
All places are distant from heaven alike.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part ii, Sect. 2, Memb. 4
%%
All places that the eye of heaven visits
Are to a wise man ports and happy havens.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
All planet leave is cancelled.  I've just had an unhappy love affair, so I
don't see why anyone else should have a good time.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
All plumed like estridges that with the wind
Baited like eagles having lately bathed;
Glittering in golden coats, like images;
As full of spirit as the month of May,
And gorgeous as the sun at midsummer.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
All poets are mad.
 -- Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy
%%
All policy interventions in social problems produce the intended effect, if
the research is carried out by those implementing the policy or their friends.
 -- James Q. Wilson
%%
All politics is based on the indifference of the majority.
%%
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
 -- Susan Sontag
%%
All power rests on hierarchy: An army is nothing but a well-organized lynch
mob.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
ALL PRICES INCLUDE POSTAGE IN THE U.S.
%%
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
 -- Colvard's Logical Premises
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
 -- Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
 -- Grelb's Commentary
%%
All problems, personal, national, or combat, become smaller if you
don't dodge them, but confront them.  Touch a thistle timidly, and it
pricks you; grasp it boldly, and its spines crumble.  Carry the battle to
the enemy!  Lay your ship alongside his!
 -- William F. (Bull) Halsey (1882-1959)
%%
All professions are conspiracies against the laity.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
All programers are optimists.
%%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%%
All programmers want arrays!
%%
All progress is based upon the universal innate desire on the part of
every organism to live beyond its income.
 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
All propositions are true in some sense, false in some sense and
meaningless in some sense.
 -- Hagbard Celine H.M. S.H.
%%
All prosperity begins in the mind and is dependent only on the full
use of our creative imagination.
 -- Ruth Ross
%%
ALL-PURPOSE EXCUSE:It seemed like a good idea at the time.
%%
All reality is aspect dependent.
%%
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise,
which is impossible.
 -- Tom Gibb
%%
All red-haired guys are good golfers.
%%
"All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness
of the few."
 -- Stendhal
%%
All religions are real for the believer.
%%
All religions have in common the periodical childlike surrender to a Provider
or providers who dispense earthly fortune as well as spiritual health; some
demonstrations of man's smallness by means of reduced posture and humble
gesture, the admission in prayer and song of misdeeds, of misthoughts, and
of evil intentions; fervent appeal for inner unification by divine guidance;
and finally, the insight that individual trust must become part of the ritual
practice of man, and must become a sign of trustworthiness in the community.
 -- psychologist Erik Erikson
%%
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
%%
All resistance is useless.
 -- Cyberleader, The Moonbase
%%
All revolutions have failed? Perhaps. But rebellion for good cause is self-
justifying--a good in itself. Rebellion transforms slaves into human beings,
if only for an hour.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All riches come from iniquity, and unless one has lost, another cannot
gain.  Hence that common opinion seems to be very true, "the rich man is
unjust, or the heir to an unjust one."        Opulence is always the result of
theft, if not committed by the actual possessor, than by his
predecessor.
 -- St. Jerome (340?-420)
%%
All right! Another Earthquake.
%%
All right.  But don't blame me if something goes wr......
                     --- POOF!! ---
You are engulfed in a cloud of orange smoke.  Coughing and gasping,
you emerge from the smoke and find....
%%
All Right! Drop Your Carrier! We have You Surrounded!
%%
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
 -- Casey Stengel
%%
All right, go lie upon the beach, To bake beyond the water's reach;
But if you're blistered when you quit, Remember that you basked for it.
 -- Anthony B. Lake
%%
All right, have it your way--you heard a seal bark!
%%
All right, I jump...Now on the way down, I activate my ring of feather
 fall...no, wait, didn't I lend it to Jim?
%%
All right, no more Mr. Nice Pope!
%%
All right, pilgrim. This is between you and me!
 -- A. Hamilton
%%
All right, set phasers to deep fat fry!
%%
All right. (shouting) THE CHURCH POLICE !!
%%
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
%%
All right, we're in an unexplored dungeon in total darkness with no
 light sources or infravision...Hey, I know!!  Let's yell and scream a lot so
 we can locate each other by sound!!
%%
All right, who cut the cheese?
%%
All right, who hid the keyboard?
%%
All right, who's been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?
%%
All right! Who's been putting pita bread in the disk drive?
%%
All right.... who siphoned the blood out of my cat?
%%
All right, who stole my Shatner Turbo 2000?
%%
All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"All right, you worthless _vermin_!  No more Mister Nice Pope!"
 -- Cerebus
%%
All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet..
%%
All rising to a great place is by a winding stair.
%%
All rivers flow into the sea, for it is lower than they;
Humility is what gives it its strength.
%%
All Roads Lead to Amber...
 -- Roger Zelazny
%%
All Roads Lead to Rome.
%%
All roads lead to Trantor, and that is where all stars end.
%%
All rules have exceptions-except the ones that don't.
%%
All say, 'How hard it is to die' - a strange complaint
 to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
All science is concerned with the relationship of cause and effect.
Each scientific discovery increases man's ability to predict the
consequences of his actions and thus his ability to control future events.
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
 -- E. Rutherford (who later won a Nobel prize in Chemistry)
%%
All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers.  Keep supplies
of them handy at all times.
%%
All Scottish food is based on a dare.
%%
All seems condemned in the long run
to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
 -- James Martin
%%
All seems infected that th' infected spy,
As all looks yellow to the jaundic'd eye.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 358
%%
All sensible people are selfish, and nature is tugging at every contract
to make the terms of it fair.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Conduct of Life"
%%
All sentences that seem true should be questioned.
%%
All seriousness aside....
%%
All serious writers want the obvious rewards: fame, money, women, love--and
most of all, an audience!
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
All service ranks the same with God,--
With God, whose puppets, best and worst,
Are we: there is no last nor first.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Pippa Passes, Part iv
%%
All's fair in love and war - What a contemptible lie.
%%
All ships will be in a holding pattern till further notice.
%%
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
 hands.
 -- Saint Patrick
%%
All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young children.
%%
All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young children.
All else is surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly which can -
and must - be dumped in emergency to preserve this prime function.  As racial
survival is the only universal morality, no other basic is possible.  Attempts
to formulate a "perfect society" on any other foundation other than "Women and
children first!" is not only witless, it is automatically genocidal.
Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male) have tried endlessly-
and no doubt will keep on trying.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
All solutions breed new problems.
%%
All, soon or late, are doom'd that path to tread.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xii, Line 31
%%
All sorrows can be borne if you tell a story about them.
 -- Karen Blixen
%%
  All statements contained herein may be accurate, but might also be carefully
           designed lies intended to induce an angry response.
 -- Mike Chapman, [e-mail]
%%
All stressed out, and no one to choke.
%%
All students who obtain a B will feel cheated out of an A.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
All such expressions as SQRT(-1), SQRT(-2) ... are neither nothing,
nor greater than nothing, nor less than nothing, which necessarily
constitutes them imaginary or impossible.
 -- L. Euler
%%
All sunshine makes the desert.
 -- Arab Proverb
%%
All sweet things have one thing in common ... a tendency to make you sick.
 -- Soolin
%%
All's well that ends.
%%
All's well that ends well.
 -- E. A. Poe
%%
All's well that ends well....
 -- William Shakespeare
 -- All's Well That Ends Well
%%
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
%%
All sysops are not user friendly!
%%
All taglines guaranteed to be random or your money back!
%%
All technology expands the space, contracts the time, and destroys
the working group.
 -- Eugene Rosenstock-Huessy
%%
All television is children's television.
 -- Richard P. Adler
%%
All tenantless, save to the crannying wind.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 47
%%
All tends irreversibly towards Chaos.
 -- Second Law of Thermodynamics
%%
All that a city will ever allow you is an angle on it -- an oblique,
indirect sample of what it contains, or what passes through it; a
point of view.
 -- Peter Conrad, from the _Guardian_ (UK newspaper)
%%
All that a man hath will he give for his life.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job ii, 4
%%
All that glisters is not gold.
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
All that glisters is not gold.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
All That Glitters Has A Highly Reflective Coating On It!
%%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%%
All that glitters is not gold. All that doesn't glitter isn't either.
%%
All that happens is as usual and familiar as the rose in spring and
the crop in summer.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 44
%%
All that is gold does not glitter,
     Nor all those who wander are lost;
   The old that is strong does not wither,
     Deep roots are not touched by the frost.
 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
%%
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
%%
All that is harmony for thee, O Universe, is in harmony with me as
well. Nothing that comes at the right time for thee is too early or
too late for me. Everything is fruit to me that thy seasons bring,
O Nature. All things come of thee, have their being in thee, and return
to thee.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 23
%%
All that is human must retrograde if it do not advance.
 -- Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)
 -- Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1776), Chap. lxxi
%%
All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and
man is at last compelled to face with sober senses his real conditions
of life, and his relations with his kind.
 -- Communist Manifesto
%%
All that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
All that 's bright must fade,--
  The brightest still the fleetest;
All that 's sweet was made
  But to be lost when sweetest.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- All that 's Bright must fade
%%
All that's known is not told.
%%
All that time is lost which might be better employed.
 -- Jean Jacques Rousseau
%%
All that tread
The globe are but a handful to the tribes
That slumber in its bosom.
 -- William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)
 -- Thanatopsis
%%
"All that was meant to bore you shitless."
 -- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
%%
All that was new in them was false and what was true was old.
 -- Opinion of Darwin's findings
%%
All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
 -- Buddha
%%
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
 -- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)
%%
All the argentinians swarmed around him - most of all Maradona.
%%
All the baby birds are dead.
%%
All the beauty of the world, 't is but skin deep.
 -- Ralph Venning (c. 1621-1673)
 -- Orthodoxe Paradoxes, (Third edition, 1650) The Triumph of Assurance, p. 41
%%
All the best, Bob.
%%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
if it rains?"
 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%%
All the Borg left were these self-sealing stembolts.
%%
All the brothers were valiant, and all the sisters virtuous.
 -- From the inscription on the tomb of the Duchess of Newcastle
 -- in Westminster Abbey
%%
All the cops in the donut shops say 'way-oh, way-oh'.
%%
All the evidence concerning the universe
has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
%%
All the ferret tags in my humble collection follow...
%%
All the girls around you say "You got it coming",
 but you get it while you can.
%%
All the gnu's wee feet leave prints.
%%
...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products,
if they are built at all, are dogs!
 -- David E. Lundstrom, A Few Good Men From Univac, MIT Press, 1987
%%
All the good stuff at the right price
 -- National Lumber.
%%
All the knowledge in the world is found within you.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
All the kookies are not in the jar.
%%
All the learned and authentic fellows.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), All 's Well that Ends Well
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
All the lights are frozen; The cursor blinks blandly. Soon, I shall
see the dump.
%%
All the lights don't shine in her marquis.
%%
    All the limitative Theorems of metamathematics and the
theory of computation suggest that once the ability to
represent your own structure has reached a certain critical
point, that is the kiss of death: it guarantees that you can
never represent yourself totally.  Godel's Incompleteness
Theorem, Church's Undecidability Theorem, Turing's Halting
Problem, Tarski's Truth Theorem-- all have the flavour of some
ancient fairy tale which warns you that "To seek self-
knowledge is to embark on a journey which . . . will always be
incomplete, cannot be charted on a map, will never halt,
cannot be described."
 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter
%%
All the little things you and I understand and expect from life, such
  as:  equality; kindness; justice ...
 -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
%%
All the magick of creation exists within a single, tiny seed.
 -- Magi
%%
All the men present and correct, sir. ALl ready for the off, eh?
I'm afraid not, Lieutenant, I'm just off to Hartlepool to buy
  some exploding trousers.
I beg your pardon, sir? Have you gone barking mad?
Yes, Lieutenant, I have. Cluck cluck gibber gibber my old man's
  a mushroom...etc...etc...
 -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
All the modern inconveniences ...
 -- Mark Twain
%%
All the news that fits, we print.
 -- Alfred E. Newman
%%
All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
and all theoretical chemists know it.
 -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988)
%%
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture."
 -- Bumper sticker
%%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.
 -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.   I'm glad they
 are a snowman with protective rubber skin.
 -- They Might Be Giants
%%
All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /
%%
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
 them by watering them with ice cubes.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
All the Poles were in the right half of the plane.
%%
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
 -- Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an
 unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
 -- Pat Paulsen
%%
All the prophets of doom can always find room in a world full of worry
 and fear: tipped cigarettes, and chemistry sets, and Rudolf the Red
 Nosed Reindeer.
 -- Raymond Scum
%%
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me
while I was milking a cow.
 -- Grant Wood
%%
All the reporters ask me about my failures.  Are they kidding? There
are no failures.  Failure?  Failure isn't in my vocabulary.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full.
 -- Ecclesiastes, i, 7
%%
All the science in Star Trek is consistent and correct.
%%
All these black people are screwing up my democracy.
 -- Ian Smith
%%
    All the secrets we may be able to keep from any and every
god and human being do not in the least absolve us from the
obligation to refrain from whatever actions are greedy,
unjust, sensual, or otherwise immoderate.
 -- Cicero, On Duties
%%
All these woes shall serve
For sweet discourses in our time to come.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
All the sex and twice the violence... HARSH realm.
%%
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
%%
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
%%
"All the soil will be fruitful beyond man's needs;
 and human beings shall fornicate unceasingly."
 -- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN, Geoffrey of Monmouth
 -- An old book I got from a friend -- Geoffrey was apparently
 -- translating Merlin's prophecies
%%
"All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for
 conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to
 be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally
 structured thoughts."
 -- Richard Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)
[...and a total nonsequitur as far as I can tell.]
%%
All the taglines contain messages - the good, the bad & the funny.
%%
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
 -- Jim Fiebig
%%
All the tea in china:  356,000 metric tons.
%%
All the thoughts I'd be a-thinkin' if I only had a brain
%%
All the troubles of man come from his not knowing how to sit still.
 -- Pascal
%%
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
%%
All the wastes in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.
 -- Ronald Reagan, quoted in "Burlington Free Press", 15 February 1980
%%
All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
 -- Robert Crumb
%%
All the wild witches, those most noble ladies.
 -- Yeats
%%
All the work you will do will be written to 'WRITE-ONLY' memory.
%%
All the world knows me in my book, and my book in me.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. v
%%
All the world knows that poverty owns the person, whereas few stop to
 realize that the wealthy seldom own their wealth so much as they are owned
 by it. So many people falsely think of wealth as a state of bliss, whereas
 the truth is that the joy comes from the imagination. The fun comes from
 anticipation, not realization. The real joy in life is to have not so much
 as to be envied, but not so little as to be damned.
%%
All the world over, I will back the masses against the classes.
 -- William Ewart Gladstone (1809-1898)
%%
All the world's a cage.
 -- Jeanne Phillips
%%
All the world's an analog stage and digital circuits play only bit parts.
%%
All the world's a net!  And all the data in it merely packets
come to store-and-forward in the queues a while and then are
heard no more. 'Tis a network waiting to be switched!
 -- Vint Cerf
%%
All the world's a Schrodinger Box, and we are merely kitties.
%%
All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many
parts, his acts being seven ages. At first the infant, mewling and puking
in the nurse's arms. And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
and shining morning face, creeping like snail unwillingly to school.
And then the lover, sighing like furnace, with a woful ballad made
to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier, full of strange oaths and bearded
like the pard; jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, seeking
the bubble reputation even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined, with eyes severe and beard
of formal cut, full of wise saws and modern instances; and so he plays
his part. The sixth age shifts into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
with spectacles on nose and pouch on side; his youthful hose, well saved,
a world too wide for his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice, turning again
toward childish treble, pipes and whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
that ends this strange eventful history, is second childishness
and mere oblivion, sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.
 -- William Shakespeare, As You Like It
%%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
 -- Sean O'Casey
%%
All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.
%%
All the world's a stage...  Now it's intermission!
%%
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.
 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
%%
All the world's evils are not men's responsibility
%%
All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players,
performers and portrayers.   Each another's audience outside
the gilded cage.
 -- Rush
%%
All thing is the woorse for the wearing.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. i
%%
All things are difficult before they are easy.
 -- Thomas Fuller
%%
All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
 -- Dumbo Omohundro
%%
All things are green unless they are not.
%%
All things are in common among friends.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, vi
%%
All things are only transitory.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
%%
All things are possible to him that believeth.
 -- Mark 9:23
%%
All things are subject to fixed laws.
 -- Marcus Manilius
%%
All things are the same,--familiar in enterprise, momentary in endurance,
coarse in substance. All things now are as they were in the day of
those whom we have buried.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 14
%%
All things are to be examined and called into question.
There are no limits set on thought.
%%
All things being equal, a fat person uses
 more soap than a thin person.
 -- Schmidt's Observation
%%
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
 -- Marshall L. Smith
%%
All things being equal, you lose.
 -- Todd's First Law
All things being in your favour, you still lose.
 -- Corollary
%%
All things change, nothing is extinguished.
%%
All things come round to him who will but wait.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Tales of a Wayside Inn, The Student's Tale
%%
All things come to those...who get on a mailing list.
%%
All things considered, Dan Quayle is doing a fine job as Vice President. He
 is the best eraser clapper the White House has ever had.
%%
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
%%
All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
 -- Nick the Greek's Law of Life
%%
All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
 Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
 All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
 Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
 All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%%
All things evolve, nothing is extinguished.
%%
All things now enjoyed by civilization have been created by some man and
sold by another man before anybody really enjoyed the benefits of them.
 -- James G. Daly
%%
All things that are,
Are with more spirit chased than enjoy'd.
How like a younker or a prodigal
The scarfed bark puts from her native bay,
Hugg'd and embraced by the strumpet wind!
How like the prodigal doth she return,
With over-weather'd ribs and ragged sails,
Lean, rent, and beggar'd by the strumpet wind!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 6
%%
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
%%
All things that are
Made for our general uses are at war,--
Even we among ourselves.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- Upon an "Honest Man's Fortune"
%%
All things work out in the end; the problem is that we never reach a
definite end; we are always making new beginnings.
%%
All things work together for good to them that love God.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans viii, 28
%%
All this, and a winning smile, too.
%%
All this and brains, too!
%%
All this beer and only one mouth.
%%
All this beer drinking will be the urination of me.
%%
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime?    Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.     Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom.    So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
 -- J. Feiffer
%%
All this buttoning and unbuttoning.
 -- 18th Century suicide note
%%
All this I cannot bear to witness any longer
%%
All this machinery making modern music can still be open-hearted. Not
    so coldly charted, it's really just a question of your honesty.
 -- Neil Peart
%%
All this passion over a machine?
 -- Capt. Louvois, "The Measure of a Man", stardate 42523.7
%%
All this progress is marvelous . . . now if only it would stop!
 -- Allan Lamport
%%
"All this self-sacrifice is *nauseating*!"
 -- An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone
%%
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.
Money's just the way we keep score.
 -- Henry Tyroon
%%
"All this will not be finished in the first 100 days.  Nor will it be finished
 in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this administration, nor even
 perhaps in our lifetime on this planet.  But let us begin."
 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) (from his Inaugural Address)
%%
All those instances to be found in history, whether real or fabulous,
of a doubtful public spirit, at which morality is perplexed, reason
is staggered, and from which affrighted Nature recoils, are their
chosen and almost sole examples for the instruction of their youth.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France,
 -- Letter i, On a Regicide Peace, Vol. v, p. 311
%%
All those things which are now held to be of the greatest antiquity,
were at one time new; and what we today hold up by example, will
rank hereafter as precedent.
 -- Tacitus
%%
All those updates, and still imperfect!!!
%%
All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will
reply by saying "I resign."
%%
All those who dread uncertainty either because of timidity or from
conventional-mindedness or for fear of material loss are enlisted
under the conservative standard.
 -- Arthur M. Schlesinger, Sr. (1888-1965)
%%
All thought is naught but a footnote to Plato.
 -- George Santiano
%%
All thoughts that mould the age begin
Deep down within the primitive soul.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- An Incident in a Railroad Car
%%
All through human history, tyrannies have tried to enforce obedience by
 prohibiting disrespect for the symbols of their power.   The swastika is
 only one example of many in recent history.
 -- American Bar Association task force on flag burning
%%
All tied to their things,
they are netted by the strings...
Free to flutter, in memory of
their wasted wings...  P.Gabriel
%%
All together now, three times real fast:

             PLEASANT VALLEY PHEASANT PLUCKERS
%%
All tragedies are finished by death; all comedies
are ended by a marriage.
 -- Lord Byron
%%
All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
 -- Shedenhelm's Law of Backpacking
%%
All true knowledge contradicts common sense.
%%
All true wisdom is found in computer fortune programs.
%%
All true wisdom is found in taglines.
%%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%%
All truth is a species of revelation.
%%
All truth passes through 3 stages.  First, it is ridiculed.  Second,
it is violently opposed.  Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
 -- Arthur Schopenhauer
%%
All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point
 is to discover them.
 -- Galileo Galilei
%%
All vacations and holiday's create problems, except for ones own.
%%
All views expressed are my own....
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
All virtue is summed up in dealing justly.
 -- Aristotle
%%
 All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 10
%%
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
 -- Francois Fenelon
%%
All wars are ironic because all wars are worse than expected.
%%
All wax and no wick.
%%
All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another.
 -- Ortega y Gasset
%%
All we are is dust in the wind, dude.
%%
All we are saying.. is Give Peas a Chance.
%%
All we are saying is, "Give pizza chants."
%%
All we ever talk about is sex!
%%
All we have of freedom -- all we use or know --
This our fathers bought for us, long and long ago.
 -- Kipling
%%
All we know about the new economic world tells us that nations which
train engineers will prevail over those which train lawyers.  No nation
has ever sued its way to greatness.
 -- Richard Lamm
%%
All welfare and adversity that come to man and other creatures come
through the Seven and the Twelve.  Twelve signs of the Zodiac, as the
Religion says are the twelve commanders on the side of light; and the
seven planets are said to be the seven commanders on the side of
darkness.  And the seven planets oppress all creation and deliver it
over to death and all manner of evil: for the twelve signs of the Zodiac
and the seven planets rule the fate of the world.
 -- The Menok i Xrat
%%
All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been
convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth.
 -- Aristotle
%%
All who joy would win
Must share it, --happiness was born a twin.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto ii, Stanza 172
%%
All...Who needs a doomsday virus when we have Windows :-)
%%
All Windows break - not just the glass ones !
%%
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
%%
All women are automatically born with a shopping disorder
%%
All women are beautiful, some are just less beautiful than others.
%%
All women grow up to be like their mothers.
That is their tragedy.  No men do.  That is theirs.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
All women named Jennifer have perfect teeth.
%%
All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.
%%
All WORK and no play......Ain't the ONLY way!
%%
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.
 -- E. Esar
%%
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
%%
All work is an act of philosophy.  And when men learn to consider
productive work -- and that which is its source -- as the standard
of their moral values, they will reach that state of perfection which
is the birthright they lost ... The source of work?  Man's mind.
 -- Hugh Akston
%%
All would live long; but none would be old.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
All wrong numbers are the same person.
%%
All you can eat, shrimp.
%%
All you have to do is act like normal people, and they can't tell
the difference.  You just talk with them about the dull things they're
interested in, and they eat it up.  It's no trick at all to imitate
them.
 -- J.A. Meyer
 -- Brick Wall, Sept, 1951
%%
"All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!"
 -- Python
%%
All you have to do to get over a Beer is take a leak.
%%
All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
you.  Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
average incomes for doing average jobs - bank vice presidents,
insurance salesmen, auditors, secretaries of defense - and you'll
realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
in the Sears menswear department dress.  Now look at the real
successes, the people who make a lot more money than you - Elton John,
Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on.  They
all dress funny - and they all succeed.  Are you catching on?
 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
%%
"All you Klingons, you want to ravage helpless Earthwomen.  Brute."
 -- They really should have named this, "I Married a Klingon."
 -- From DC's STAR TREK
%%
All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife.
 -- Daniel Boone
%%
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success
  is sure.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
All you need is love.
%%
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
%%
All you need to do is turn on the television to find out that the Gross
 National Product is just as gross as ever.
%%
All you need to know is the user interface.
 -- J. Redford
%%
All your better deeds
Shall be in water writ, but this in marble.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- Philaster, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
All your fantasies will come true after your imagination is surgically removed.
%%
All your files have been destroyed (sorry).
 -- Paul
%%
All your future lies beneath your hat.
%%
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
 -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
%%
All you've ever licked in a fight is your wounds.
%%
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
informing, stimulating and ennobling.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom
we cannot resemble.
 -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
"Almost all Eskimo jokes have the same punch line:
 'You know, he fell through the ice and died.'"
 -- Larry Marder
%%
"Almost all reformers, however strict their social conscience,
live in houses just as big as they can pay for."
 -- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)
%%
Almost any misfortune is preferable to a worse one.
%%
Almost any program runs faster on a 386/25.
%%
Almost anything  derogatory you could say about today's software
design would be accurate.
 -- Kenneth E. Iverson
%%
 Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
 -- Allen's Law
%%
Almost everything you do will be insignificant, but it is very
important that you do it.
 -- Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)
%%
Almost had a psychic boyfriend-he left me before we met.
%%
Almost had a psychic girlfriend-she left me before we met.
%%
Almost half the bones in your body are in your hands and feet.
%%
Almost in every kingdom the most ancient families have been at first
princes' bastards; their worthiest captains, best wits, greatest scholars,
bravest spirits in all our annals, have been base [born].
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part ii, Sect. 2, Memb. 2
%%
Almost live from Minneapolis Minnesota!
%%
Almost Missed the Bus: Justin Time
%%
Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically
deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone
believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
 -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Almost nothing is impossible if you put the screws to the right people.
%%
Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts xxvi, 28
%%
Alms for the poor! Alms for the poor!
%%
Al:  " Nothing spells lovin' like marrying your cousin."
%%
A loaded .357 always beats a full house.
%%
A load would sink a navy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, a big TV with a hi-fi VCR and a nice stereo, a
full fridge, a microwave, a UNIX system, two phone lines, a high speed modem,
and thou.
%%
A loaf of bread, the Walrus said, is what we chiefly need.
%%
A lobbyist's pagoda is build on a foundation of night soil.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
%%
Aloha.
%%
ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
%%
ALONE, adj.  In bad company.

    In contact, lo! the flint and steel,
    By spark and flame, the thought reveal
    That he the metal, she the stone,
    Had cherished secretly alone.
                                                           Booley Fito
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Alone at last!
%%
A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
 -- The Phone Booth Rule
%%
... aloneness.  You are so alone.  You live out your lives in the
  shell of flesh, self-contained, separate.  How lonely you are; how
  terribly lonely.
 -- Kollos, the Medusan Ambassador (through Spock),
 -- "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
%%
Alone!--that worn-out word,
So idly spoken, and so coldly heard;
Yet all that poets sing and grief hath known
Of hopes laid waste, knells in that word ALONE!
 -- Edward Bulwer Lytton (1805-1873)
 -- The New Timon, (1846), Part ii
%%
A long dispute means both parties are wrong.
 -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at
 any price.
%%
A long, long kiss,--a kiss of youth and love.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto ii, Stanza 186
%%
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
%%
A Long Nose Is Forever.
%%
A long-shanked rascal with a mighty nose.
%%
"...a long silver Kill-O-Zap gun at them.  The designer of the gun had clearly
not been instructed to beat about the bush.  "Make it evil," he'd been told.
"Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end.  Make it
totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly
for them.  If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened
bits all over it then so be it.  This is not a gun for hanging over the
fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and
making people miserable with."
%%
A long slow sigh is heard and the staff shrinks in your hand.
%%
A long theatrical slash.  You parry it desperately, but the thief
twists his knife, and your # goes flying.
%%
Along the south side, so cold that we cried, were we ever colder on that
day, a million miles away, it seemed from all of eternity.
%%
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, or was it here?
%%
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...the Rangers won The Cup.
%%
A long time ago, on a node far, far away...
%%
A long train of these practices has at length unwillingly convinced
me that there is something behind the throne greater than the King
himself.
 -- William Pitt, Earl of Chatham (1708-1778)
 -- Chatham Correspondence, Speech, March 2, 1770
%%
A long worm hits with all of its length.
%%
Alonso of Aragon was wont to say in commendation of age, that age
appears to be best in four things,--old wood best to burn, old wine
to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Apothegms, No, 97
%%
A looney tune.
%%
A lord as black as coal
And the red kittens whip him.
 A pot on the fire.
%%
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity
 in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
 exceptional ability in that particular field."
%%
A Los Angeles ordinance forbids a person to have
a hippopotamus in his possession.
%%
A loser is a stowaway on a kamikaze plane.
 -- Charlie Manna
%%
A loser walks in Central Park with a German shepherd for protection--and
 meets a mugger with a rhinoceros. A loser is a female impersonator who
 doesn't know it, a window washer who steps back to admire his work, and a
 health-nut submarine captain who sleeps with the windows open!
 -- Charlie Manna
%%
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
%%
A lost property office is for people to return things
they find and don't want.
%%
A lot is happening -- not all of it good, but a lot is happening.
 -- President George Bush, Day 48 of the Bush presidency
%%
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.  Unfortunately,
  they don't have a J.O.B.
 -- "Fats" Domino
%%
A lot of my countrymen say rude things about England because it has the
 lowest standard of living in the world, and I don't think that's fair. I
 think that's mean and horrid. Because I know England will rise again. It
 will--say, to the level of Sicily or Ethiopia.
 -- Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries)
%%
A lot of people have said that this country is coming apart at the seams...
 ... for God's sake, this is America!
 -- George Bush
%%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
 I believe everything positively stinks.
 -- Lew Col
%%
A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
 -- Carl Reiner
%%
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
 -- Doug Larson
%%
A lot of people will urge you to put some money in a bank, and in
 fact--within reason--this is very good advice. But don't go overboard.
 Remember, what you are doing is giving your money to someone else to hold
 on to, and I think that it is worth keeping in mind that the businessmen
 who run banks are so worried about holding on to things that they put
 little chains on all their pens.
 -- "Miss Piggy"
%%
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask
 yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by
 this person?"
 -- Ronnie Shakes
%%
A lot of schools around New York keep sending school reporters to interview
 me. So this girl comes over from a girls' college the other day and she
 says, "How old should a girl be before she goes to a prom in a strapless
 dress?" I said, "If it stays up, you're old enough."
 -- Selma Diamond
%%
A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal.
The smallness of it is what's attractive.  It's weird, 'cause it's so
intellectually lame.  It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of
my life.  But at the same time, it's what I do best.
 -- Chris Elliot, writer and performer on "Late Night with David Letterman"
%%
A lot of things may be preserved in alcohol. But not your dignity.
%%
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
 -- Bill Gray
%%
A lot of what I say comes off as political satire. In that, I have a lot in
common with Congress.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A lot of women are getting tattoos. Don't do it, that's sick. That
 butterfly looks great on your breast when you're 20, 30. When you get to be
 70, 80, it stretches into a condor.
 -- Billy Elmer
%%
A "lotus?"  I thought that was a Grasshopper.
%%
A loud mouth never hears the silence.
%%
A lovely being, scarcely formed or moulded,
A rose with all its sweetest leaves yet folded.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto xv, Stanza 43
%%
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.
%%
A lover always thinks of his mistress first and himself second; with
a husband it runs the other way.
 -- Honore de Balzac
%%
A lover has all the good points and all the bad points which are locking
 in a husband.
%%
A lover is a bottle of wine; a husband is a wine bottle.
%%
A lover's like a hunter- if the game be got with too much ease he
cares not for't.
 -- Mead
%%
A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.
%%
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of
 the house.
 -- Moliere
%%
A love that took an early root,
  And had an early doom.
 -- Thomas K. Hervey (1799-1859)
 -- The Devil's Progress
%%
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
A low yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant.
%%
Alpenglow: Feeling of contentment and inner warmth induced by liberal doses of
medicinal brandy.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Alpenstock: limited number of shares in mountain real estate
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon, ....
%%
Alpha/Beta testing requires masochistic tendencies.
%%
 Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Marlin can't come to
 the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some
 dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie.  Leave your
 name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
 -- Answering machine madness - science fiction
%%
Alpha testing - CTRL-ALT-DEL, a way of life.
%%
Alpha test version: too buggy to release   Beta test
version: still too buggy to release   Release 1.0: alternate
pronounciation of beta test version
%%
Alpinists do it higher.
%%
alps: cries for assistance, most commonly heard in alpine areas of great
britain.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Already another one to take his place. It never ends.
He could have killed you, he didn't. Maybe the end begins with one boy
  putting down his gun.
 -- Alexana Devos and Riker, "The High Ground", stardate 43510.7
%%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that
every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be
submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered
samples of learning must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to
common tests.  It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that
any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic
of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually
secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, not generall known;
authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary
ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is
conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in
religion in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics
where the method of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious"
would be the last to be willing that either the history of the
content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those
to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device,
but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against
its being taught in any other spirit.
 -- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher,
 -- from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%%
Alright, Baldrick. Let's try again. This is called 'Adding'. If I have
  two beans, and I add _two more_ beans, what do I have?
...Some beans.
Yes...and no.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head
%%
Alright. Go and get Bob's stuff in...and throw your filthy muck out
  onto the street.
God bless you, sweet master!
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells
%%
Alright here we are in the final home stretch of this thing.
%%
"Alright, nobody move!"
  "Take him, you fools!  He can only shoot one of us!"
"You're the one."
  "Nobody move."
 -- Get Smart
%%
Alright, Who took my Whip Cream???
%%
Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Als das Kind noch Kind war, gab es diese Fragen: Warum bin ich mich, und
    warum nicht dich?  Warum bin ich hier, und warum nicht dort?
 -- Rainer Maria Rilke
%%
Al's mortuary. You stab 'em, we slab 'em.
24 hours a day, ask about our group rate.
%%
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
%%
Also, it takes a lot longer to get up North ..... The slow way
 -- "Clever Trevor" Ian Drury
%%
Also, never obfuscate your documentation with
   pretentious, ostentatious or histrionic language.
 -- Writing Rule 18
%%
Also Sprach Zarathustra: "Have A Good Day"
%%
Al's Septic Service - You're business is our business.
%%
Al's Septic Service - Your shit is our bread & butter.
%%
ALT1.BBS: Fatal error at F000:DEAD, dropping...(click)
%%
Altair: A place where computers are sacraficed.
%%
ALT ALT to you too!
%%
Altar Ego:  A *humongous* church.
%%
ALTAR, n.  The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the
small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination
and cooked its flesh for the gods.  The word is now seldom used,
except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a
male and a female tool.

    They stood before the altar and supplied
    The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
    In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim
    An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
                                                           M.P. Nopput
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:alt: /awlt/ 1. n. The alt shift key on an IBM PC or {clone}
   keyboard; see {bucky bits}, sense 2 (though typical PC usage does
   not simply set the 0200 bit).  2. n. The `clover' or `Command'
   key on a Macintosh; use of this term usually reveals that the
   speaker hacked PCs before coming to the Mac (see also {feature
   key}).  Some Mac hackers, confusingly, reserve `alt' for the Option
   key (and it is so labeled on some Mac II keyboards).  3. n.obs.
   [PDP-10; often capitalized to ALT] Alternate name for the ASCII
   ESC character (ASCII 0011011), after the keycap labeling on some
   older terminals; also `altmode' (/awlt'mohd/).  This character
   was almost never pronounced `escape' on an ITS system, in
   {TECO}, or under TOPS-10 --- always alt, as in "Type alt alt to
   end a TECO command" or "alt-U onto the system" (for "log onto
   the [ITS] system").  This usage probably arose because alt is more
   convenient to say than `escape', especially when followed by
   another alt or a character (or another alt *and* a character,
   for that matter).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Alt-D = Dumb Statement Checker
%%
Altered days and Blurry ways............
%%
Alternate rest and labor long endure.
 -- Ovid
%%
Although a Canadian, Mario Martinez is, in fact, an Italian.
%%
Although a wise man might urge that one should suffer fools gladly, this
should not be construed as license for any fool to demand that one do so.
 -- Frederic William Kantor
%%
Although everyone is entitled to be stupid, some abuse this privilege.
%%
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
%%
Although I am a pious man, I am not the less a man.
 -- Jean Baptiste Moliere (1622-1673)
 -- Le Tartuffe, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Although I believe that the economy is on the right track, let me be
the first to say that all is not well.
 -- President George Bush, September 1991
%%
Although in public I refer to him as Mr. Vice President, in private I call
him George... When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him
George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice
President, because that's who he is.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle shortly after being named
 -- Geo. Bush's running mate, 8/27/88
 -- (reported in Esquire, 8/92, The NY Times, 8/28/88)
%%
Although it is a gloomy view to suppose that life will die out, sometimes
when I contemplate the things that people do with their lives I think it is
almost a consolation.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
Although it is said that the athlete was never fatally ill previously, the
 morning in question he sure woke up dead. And being that way, he didn't go
 nowhere. A person in that condition ain't prone to move around a lot unless
 he ain't got what he thought he did.
%%
Although men flatter themselves with their great actions, they are not
so often the result of a great design as of chance.
 -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Although most cowboys are not politicians and most politicians are not
 cowboys, they share the common experience of being able to do a fairly
 decent job of throwing the bull.
%%
Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will be a
thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XIX
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
Although no sculptured marble should rise to their memory, nor engraved
stone bear record of their deeds, yet will their remembrance be as
lasting as the land they honored.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Eulogy on Adams and Jefferson, Aug. 2, 1826, p. 146
%%
Although our information is incorrect, we do not vouch for it.
 -- Satie
%%
Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H. Baekeland of
 Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that the modern miracle substance
 was used in a wide variety of consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures
 and flamingos. Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were
 made by other flamingos.
 -- William E. Geist, The New York Times
%%
Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secret police and laws
similar to those in the USSR, there are thousands of underground publications,
a legal independent Church, private agriculture, and the East bloc's first and
only independent trade union federation, NSZZ Solidarnosc, which is an
affiliate of both the International Confederation of Free Trade Unions and the
World Confederation of Labor.   There is literally a world of difference
between Poland - even in its present state of collapse - and Soviet society at
the peak of its glasnost.    This difference has been maintained at great cost
by the Poles since 1944.
 -- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a gateway from EARN
 -- (European Academic Research Network) to Poland
%%
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
Although she was no longer a nun, she prayed out of habit
%%
Although the implementers are gone, they foresaw that some cretin
would tamper with their remains.  Therefore, they took steps to
prevent this.
%%
Although the last, not least.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
%%
...Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that
  bothers me...
It's probably a flea.
 -- Ploppy and Edmund : Head
%%
Although they do not inquire into the future, and either forget or
do not know the past, yet defame present times as most unusually beset,
as it were, by evils because there is belief in Christ and worship
of God, and increasingly less worship of idols...
 -- Paulus Orosius, The Seven Books of History Against the Pagans, 418 A.D.
%%
Although this sentence begins with the word because, it is false.
 -- Douglas R Hofstadter
%%
Although today there are many trial marriages, there is no such thing as
a trial child.
 -- Gary Wills
%%
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
Gamekeeping."
 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
%%
Although you are perfectly capable, emit erotic noises only when
absolutely necessary.
%%
Although you should not bite your fingernails, when you do, it avoids being
 called on by friends to scratch their back.
%%
Although you tied it incorrectly, the rope becomes free.
%%
Altruism is the devil's calling card.
%%
Alt-S = Stupid Question Filter
%%
ALTZHEIMER.COM found . . . Out of . . . something
%%
Altzheimer's Advantage: There are no television reruns.
%%
Altzheimers is very ... ah ... umm ... I forget!
%%
A lucky chance, that oft decides the fate
Of mighty monarchs.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Summer, Line 1285
%%
:Aluminum Book: [MIT] n. "Common LISP: The Language", by
   Guy L.  Steele Jr. (Digital Press, first edition 1984, second
   edition 1990).  Note that due to a technical screwup some printings
   of the second edition are actually of a color the author describes
   succinctly as "yucky green".  See also {{book titles}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Aluminum Dragons also do 3d6 of krinkle damage.
%%
Aluminum was once a precious metal.
 -- Jules Verne
%%
ALVIN TOFFLER will do it in the future.
%%
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off
their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Always act in such a way as to secure the love of your neighbour.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book xviii, Sect. 44
%%
Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a fortune.
%%
Always and in every instance, someone can be found to disagree with
 whatever decision you make.
%%
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
 -- Wendell Johnson
%%
Always ask why you're doing anything. Be kind, especially if you have a
 gift. Be honest. Take risks.
 -- Yo-Yo Ma
%%
Always a tag line!
%%
Always attack a floating eye from BEHIND!
%%
Always be aware of the phase of the moon!
%%
Always be diplomatic before inserting a knife in your enemy's back.
%%
Always be foolish, but never be stupid.
%%
Always begin with a woman by telling her that you don't understand women.
 You will be able to prove it to her satisfaction more certainly than
 anything else you will ever tell her.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
Always be nice to receptionists and secretaries.
%%
Always be nice to secretaries.  They are the real gatekeepers in the world.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones
who will be writing about you.
 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
%%
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.
 -- Irene Peter
%%
Always be smarter than the people who hire you.
%%
Always be suspicious of an associate who never finds fault with you.
%%
Always be willing to authorize someone else not to make the decision which
 you did not make, so in that manner they are unable to complain.
%%
Always beyond warp 10.
%%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
%%
Always coming back for more...
%%
Always consider the alternative before making a choice.
%%
Always cut the cards.
%%
Always deny your defeats by conservatives.
 -- Liberal Rule #36
%%
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that
they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend
to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service
and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
 -- Douglas Evelyn
%%
Always do one thing less than you think you can do.
 -- Bernard Baruch
%%
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
 your mouth shut.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
Always do the hard part first.  If the hard part is impossible, why
waste time on the easy part?  Once the hard part is done, you're home free.

Always do the easy part first.      What you think at first is the
easy part often turns out to be the hard part.  Once the easy
part is done, you can concentrate all your efforts on the hard part.
 -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
 Always do what is right, even if it's wrong.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Always do what you are afraid to do.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Always eat a large breakfast; never try to cheat on your taxes.
 -- Frank Costello
%%
Always eat dessert first ... she may decide to go home early ...
%%
Always fade the ball; you can't talk to a hook.
 -- Dave Marr
%%
Always forgive your enemies-- nothing annoys them so much.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Always format alphanumerically, then preview graphically.
%%
Always give your people the credit that is rightfully theirs. To
do otherwise is both morally and ethically dishonest.
%%
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
%%
Always helping;
 -- Edward A. Dains
%%
Always imitate the behavior of the winners when you lose.
%%
Always keep a record of data; it indicates you've been working.
 -- Finagle's Second Rule
%%
Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive
and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
%%
"Always keep your bowler on in times of stress.
 And watch out for diabolical masterminds."
 -- Emma Peel's parting comment to John Steed on THE AVENGERS
%%
Always laugh at yourself first - before others do.
 -- E. Maxwell
%%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
 -- The Rule of the Way Out
%%
Always let the big guy think he's right!
%%
Always let your flattery be seen through, for what really flatters a man is
 that you think him worth flattering.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "John Bull's Other Island"
%%
Always lick the suction cup before you shoot the dart gun at the TV set.
 -- Proverb from "Life in Hell"
%%
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why.
Then do it.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Always live in the ugliest house on the street--then you don't have to look
 at it.
 -- David Hockney
%%
Always look for the silver trashcan lining.
%%
Always looking for yummy healthy things to try.
%%
Always look on the bright side of life..
 -- Monty Python song
%%
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting
against you.
%%
Always loses a little bit after its explained
%%
Always make allowances for the "duh" factor.
%%
Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
Always make water when you can.
 -- Duke of Wellington
%%
Always obey your superiors--if you have any.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Always pick on the correct idiom.
%%
Always pray that your opposition be wicked. In wickedness, there
is a strong strain toward rationality. Therefore, there is always
the possibility, in theory, of handling the wicked by outthinking them.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
%%
Always put off till tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all.
 -- Morris Mandel, "The Jewish Press"
%%
Always put the important before the merely urgent.
%%
Always question Authority; oft venal and rong.
%%
Always read over the letters you write, or some
 damn fool is going to think they have found a kindred spirit.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Always ready to pervert pure science for a fast buck!
%%
Always refuse the advice that passion gives.
 -- English Proverb
%%
Always remember, however, that there's usually a simpler and better way
to do something than the first way that pops into your head.
 -- Donald E. Knuth, "TeXbook"
%%
Always remember some people are more human than others.
%%
Always remember that a moving neutrino gathers no mass.
%%
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how
 to dress.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
Always remember, that someone, somewhere, is making a product that
will make your product obselete.
 -- Georges Doriot, founder of American R & D
%%
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
 -- Meade's maxim
%%
Always remember the past, but make waves when it matters.
%%
Always remember, the whole thing was started by a mouse.
 -- Walt Disney, film producer
%%
Always remember, to copy a disk is not to Xerox it.
%%
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
%%
Always remember where you came from so you can return.
%%
Always remember, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
%%
Always remove the last screw first.
%%
Always rise from the table with an appetite, and you will never sit down
 without one.
 -- William Penn
%%
Always run a yellow light.
%%
Always say no and you'll never be married.
%%
Always see a fellow's weak point in his wife.
 -- James Joyce
%%
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
%%
Always SMILE.
%%
Always SMILE
And My Plan is
eat well &
live well.
%%
Always sort the small file first.
 -- Dick Munroe
%%
Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon.
 -- old Jhereg saying
%%
Always stay in with the outs.
 -- David Halberstan
%%
Always stay in your own movie.
 -- Ken Kesey
%%
Always store beer in a dark place.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Always strive to become the boss on your job. Otherwise, they may give this
 position to some other dumbbell.
%%
Always take aim at the Tidy Bowl Man.
%%
Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.
 -- Bo Diddeley's Observation on the Law
%%
Always take the short cut; and that is the rational one. Therefore
say and do everything according to soundest reason.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 51
%%
Always talk to your wife while you're
 making love...if there's a phone handy.
%%
Always tell her she's beautiful, especially if she isn't.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't.
%%
Always tell him he is handsome, especially if he is not.
%%
Always tell the truth--it's the easiest thing to remember.
 -- Daved Mamet
%%
ALWAYS tell the truth - Unless something better is handy.
%%
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%%
Always the odd parity...
%%
Always there remain portions of our heart
into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
%%
Always think of each day of your life as your last, because someday
you will be right.
%%
Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.
 -- Seth Frankel
%%
Always tip well.
%%
Always treat your kite - like you treat your woman.
Sir, do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven
  and back.
 -- Flasheart and George : Private Plane
%%
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
 that way.
%%
Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
%%
Always try to rub up against money, for if you rub up against money long
 enough, some of it may rub off on you.
 -- Damon Runyon
%%
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
%%
Always use tasteful words.  You may have to eat them.
%%
Always use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
%%
Always verify your witchcraft.
%%
Always wait for V 3.2005a, Release C of a program.
%%
Always watch where you are going.  Otherwise, you may step on a piece
of the Forest that was left out by mistake.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
Always watch your step--especially when you're not going anywhere.
 -- Genry Pinera [ME]
%%
Alzheimer is very..ah...uh.....uh.....um
%%
Alzheimer's advantage: Hide own Easter eggs.
%%
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
%%
Alzheimer's advantage: you only need to own one book.
%%
 A m300 safety device will protect a 10p fuse from blowing.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 24
%%
A Macintosh a day keeps Apple Happy and Rich!
%%
A macro on the loose...WATCH OUT !
%%
A mad fellow met me on the way and told me I had unloaded all the
gibbets and pressed the dead bodies. No eye hath seen such scarecrows.
I 'll not march through Coventry with them, that 's flat: nay, and
the villains march wide betwixt the legs, as if they had gyves on;
for indeed I had the most of them out of prison. There 's but a shirt
and a half in all my company; and the half-shirt is two napkins tacked
together and thrown over the shoulders like an herald's coat without
sleeves.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
A mad puppeteer, a full grown kzin, and me.  Our fourth crew member
had better be a psychiatrist.
 -- Louis Wu "Ringworld"
%%
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
%%
A Mahler symphony is full of surprises--but each surprise, on second hearing,
turns out to be an *inevitable* surprise.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
%%
A major illness is one that keeps you from work when the kids are out of
school.
%%
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
 -- Carrie Snow
%%
A male rite of passage: Writing your name in the snow.
%%
A malfunction...emotional awareness.
 -- Picard about Lal, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
                    AM  AM   AM   AM
              \AM/AM-AM/\AM/\AM-AM
                   /AM\AM AM\AM/AM
               AM-AM/AM\AM/\AM
              AM-\/\/\/\AM-AM
                    /\/
                   |||
                   |||
                   |||
                  -----
                 =====

AmBush.
%%
A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot in the stirrup.
 -- Old Mongolian Saying
%%
A man after his own heart.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Samuel xiii, 14
%%
A manager does the thing right.  A leader does the right thing.
 -- Anonymous (the great Greek philosopher)
%%
A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long
will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"

"It will take one year," said the master promptly.

"But we need this system immediately or even sooner!  How long will it take
if I assign ten programmers to it?"

The master programmer frowned.
"In that case, it will take two years."

"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"

The master programmer shrugged.
"Then the design will never be completed," he said.
 -- The Tao of Programming
%%
A man always chases a woman until she catches him.
%%
A man always needs to remember one thing about a pretty girl.
Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
%%
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
that begins to bunch them.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
A man and a woman had a little baby, oh yes they did.
%%
A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with
 themselves.
%%
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
%%
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps,
snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana
bag again, (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a
jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal - Panama!
 -- Guy L. Steele.
%%
A man asked a private detective to follow his wife. After several days, the
 private detective came back with his findings. He said, "I have the
 proof--your wife is definitely cheating on you. What do I do now?"

 The man says resolutely, "Follow my wife and that bum! Keep on their trail
 night and day, even if you have to track them around the world. And then I
 want a complete report on what he sees in her!"
 -- Myron Cohen
%%
A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth
the first time he bites off more than he can chew.
 -- Herb Caen
%%
A man bites off more trouble than he can chew when he doesn't do what his
 wife wants. You better believe it.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
"A man came into the the office one day and said he was a sailor.  We
cured him of that."
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California
%%
A man can be called ruthless if he bombs a country to oblivion.  A
woman can be called ruthless if she puts you on hold.
 -- Gloria Steinem (b. 1934)
%%
A man can compact his to travel size, unlike a cucumber.
%%
A man can die but once.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
"A man can do something for peace without having to
 jump into politics.  Each man has inside him a
 basic decency and goodness.  If he listens to it
 and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what
 it is the world needs most."
 -- Pablo Casals
%%
A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
 -- Arthur Schoperhauer
%%
A man can drown and do it easily in a stream whose average depth is a mere
 seven inches.
%%
A man can lose his soul among the stars.  Much later, he may realize
that his body acted for him, guiding his ship while his mind traveled
in realms he cannot remember.  They call it _the far look._  It is
dangerous.  A man's soul does not always return.
 -- "Ringworld"
%%
A man can never know his capabilities till he has freed them, and this testing
process involves risk.
 -- A. F. Mummery
%%
A man can never quite understand a boy, even when he has been a boy.
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson (1874-1936)
%%
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), "The Picture of Dorian Grey", 1891
%%
A man cannot speak but he judges himself...no man thoroughly understands a
truth until he has contended against it.
 -- Emerson
%%
A man can see the moment, answers to the dream.
%%
A man can succeed at almost anything
for which he has unlimited enthusiasm.
 -- Charles Schwab, American industrialist
%%
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
 All they found was a pile of dust.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
 -- Butler
%%
Amanda: "Oh, that's not a dirty word!"
 -- "Journey To Babel", Stardate 3842.3.
%%
A man, dejected over a repulsed suit thought about hanging himself in
front of her house, then remembered she didn't want him hanging around.
%%
A man devoid of religion, is like a horse without a bridle.
%%
A man does not attain wisdom until he starts to realize that he is not
 indispensible.
%%
A man does not have to be an angel in order to be saint.
 -- Albert Schweitzer
%%
A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale.
%%
A man does not look behind the door unless he has
 stood there himself.
 -- Du Bois
%%
A man does not sin by commission only, but often by ommission.
 -- Marcus Aurelius (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, book 9.
%%
A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the dirt and
 beg for it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
A man drove me to drink. I never properly thanked him.
%%
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on
  and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
 -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
%%
A man feared that he might find an assassin;
Another that he might find a victim.
One was more wise than the other.
 -- Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines", 1895
%%
A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it.  As he
was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
    "Is anybody there?"
A deep majestic voice answered,
  "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
    "Help me!!" cried the man.
    "I will help you", said the voice, "just let go of the branch and
you'll be safe.  All you have to do is trust."
The man thought for a moment and cried out:
        "Anybody ELSE up there?"
%%
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
%%
        A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth.    When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
       "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples."
        Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
%%
A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one
 ticket. "How old's your kid?" the conductor says, and the father says "He's
 four years old." "He looks at least twelve to me," says the conductor. And
 the father says, "Can I help it if he worries?"
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
A man gets what he wants by acting smart; a woman, by playing dumb.
%%
 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
 "No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
 "It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little
more...that's it."
 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
 -- Arthur Naiman
%%
A man goes to rob a bank.  He brings two things: a hand grenade and
his dog. He pulls the pin, lobs the grenade at the doors of the bank
and ducks behind cover.  Rover retrieves the grenade, drops it at his
master's feet, and bolts away for the next toss.  BOOM!  End of
robbery.  I think the dog got a citation from the city.
%%
A man had a long argument with his wife recently. She wanted to purchase a
 brand new living room couch. I told her, the man said, that there was
 nothing wrong with the old couch. We argued all evening, said the man, but
 I finally got the word. I said go ahead and buy the damned thing...
%%
A man has got to know his assimilations.
 -- Harry of Borg.
%%
A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing, than to act one;
no more right to say a rude thing to another, than to knock him down.
 -- Johnson
%%
A man hears what he wants to hear
and disregards the rest.
 -- Paul Simon
%%
A man he seems of cheerful yesterdays and confident tomorrows.
 -- Wordsworth
%%
A man I am, cross'd with adversity.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A man in all the world's new fashion planted,
That hath a mint of phrases in his brain.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A man in erection does not think. There is no blood left for his brain.
%%
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he's finished.
 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.
%%
A man in the house is worth two on the street.
 -- Mae West.
%%
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches fifty, and a fool if he
 doesn't drink afterward.
 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
 -- William Binger
%%
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she
dares.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
A man is as old as he feels. But never as important.
%%
A man is as old as he's feeling,
  A woman as old as she looks.
 -- Mortimer Collins (1827-1876)
%%
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning
 and gets to bed at night, and in between he does
 what he wants to do."
 -- Bob Dylan
%%
A man is average when he can see the other man's faults; he becomes above
average only when he can also see his own.
%%
A man is a very small thing, and the night is very large and full of
wonders.
 -- Lord Dunsany, The Laughter of the Gods
%%
A man is broken when he has lost his zest for bitterness.
%%
A man is called a good fellow for doing things which, if done by a
woman, would land her in a lunatic asylum.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
A man is known by the company he avoids.
%%
A man is known by the company that he organizes.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A man is known by the enemies he keeps.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does, but he is
surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.
 -- Haliburton
%%
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
A man is not aware of his virtues (if any). Nevertheless, one hopes that they
exist.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A man is not finished when he is defeated.
He is finished when he quits.
 -- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
%%
A man is not old as long as he is seeking something.
 -- Jean Rostand
%%
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
 -- John Barrymore
%%
A man is not where he lives, but where he loves.
 -- Latin Proverb
%%
A man isn't a man until he has to meet a payroll.
 -- Ivan Shaffer
%%
A man isn't poor if he can still laugh.
%%
A man is one who can't wait ten seconds for a woman but can wait all day for a
fish.
%%
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
%%
A man is only as big as things that make him mad.
 -- Henri Helanto
%%
A man is only as good as what he loves.
 -- Saul Bellow
%%
A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with
a dead ape and work downward through a million graves.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
A man is the sum of his memories, you know--a Time Lord even moreso.
 -- Doctor, The Five Doctors
%%
A man is too apt to forget that in this world he cannot have
everything.  A choice is all that is left to him.
 -- H. Matthews
%%
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his
cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
 -- Israel Zangwill (1884-1926)
%%
A man makes no noise over a good deed, but passes on to another as
a vine to bear grapes again in season.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, v, 6
%%
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered
 with sex and all that sort of thing.
%%
A man may be a very bad musician, and may yet be passionately in love with
music.
 -- H. G. Wells
%%
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
 -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his
  friends. The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But
  personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an
  amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
 -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the
fish that hath fed of that worm.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
A man may, if he knows not how to save as he gets, keep his nose to
the grindstone.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
A man may love a paradox without either losing his wit or his honesty.
 -- Emerson
%%
A man may see how this world goes with no eyes. Look with thine ears:
see how yond justice rails upon yond simple thief. Hark, in thine
ear: change places; and, handy-dandy, which is the justice, which
is the thief?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iv, Sc. 6
%%
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
%%
A man may well bring a horse to the water,
But he cannot make him drinke without he will.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
A man meets a girl at a party and asks her if she fancies a quick 68.
 "A 68 ?" asks the girl, "What's one of those then?"
 "Simple," says the bloke,"you give me a blow-job and I owe you one..."
%%
A man must consider what a rich realm he abdicates when he becomes
a conformist.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
A man must first govern himself ere he be fit to govern a family, and
his family ere he be fit to bear the government in the commonwealth.
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
%%
A man must have a certain amount of intelligent ignorance to get anywhere.
 -- Charles F. Kettering
%%
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some
 other man to take her off his hands.
 -- Sacha Guitry
%%
A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest.
 -- Havelock Ellis
%%
A man must sit with his mouth open for a long time
befpre a roast duck flies in.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%%
A man never discloses his own character so clearly
 as when he describes another's.
 -- Jean Paul Richter
%%
A man never minds being in the doghouse
as long as he can get his tail outside.
%%
A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child.
 -- Knights of Pythagoras
%%
A man of action, forced into a state of thought, is unhappy until he can
get out of it.
 -- Galsworthy
%%
A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional
and are the portals of discovery.
 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%%
A man of God should be identifiable as a man of God in spite of his religion,
not because of it.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A man of great common sense and good taste, -- meaning thereby a man without
originality or moral courage.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Notes. Julius Caesar"
%%
A man of means means more than a man who's mean.
%%
A man of my kidney.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
A man of pleasure is a man of pains.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night viii, Line 793
%%
A man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality.
%%
A man of sovereign parts he is esteem'd;
Well fitted in arts, glorious in arms:
Nothing becomes him ill that he would well.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A man of strife and a man of contention.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Jeremiah xv, 10
%%
A man on a street corner, selling flowers, wearing sunglasses, holds
a sandwich board that reads:

             Roses are red
                 Violets are blue
              At least that's what they tell me
             Because I'm blind.
 -- Gary Larson, "Far Side"
%%
A man once asked Diogenes what was the proper time for supper, and
he made answer, "If you are a rich man, whenever you please; and if
you are a poor man, whenever you can."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, vi
%%
A man only gets circumcise once (cucumber often gets multiple cuts)
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
 -- Michelangelo [Buonarroti]
%%
A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress.
Immediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling:
"Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here!  All the congressmen are about to
go out!" The man replies, "Don't worry.  I have a good alarm in my car."
%%
A man permits himself to be oppressed by stone,
And leans on thorns and thistles.
He enters his house and does not see his wife.
Misfortune.
%%
A man's action is only a picture book of his creed.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
 -- Stephen Crane,  "War is Kind", 1899
%%
A man's a man who looks a man right between the eyes.
%%
A man's best friend is his dogma.
%%
A man's best things are nearest him,
  Lie close about his feet.
 -- Richard Monckton Milnes (Lord Houghton) (1809-1885)
 -- The Men of Old
%%
A man's body is 70% water.  However, a dolphin's body is 0% water, so
dolphins have to live in the ocean.
 -- Steve Connelly
%%
A mans character is his destiny.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
A man's computer room is his castle.
%%
A man's delight in looking forward to and hoping for some particular
satisfaction is a part of the pleasure flowing out of it, enjoyed in
advance. But that is afterward decided, for the more we look forward to
anything the less we enjoy it when it comes.
 -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
%%
A man's duty? To be ready--with rifle or rood--to defend his home when the
showdown comes.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own.
 -- Thomas Mann
%%
A man's errors are what makes him amiable.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
A man serves best, when he serves himself.
%%
A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary.  Man
would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of
punishment and hope of reward after death.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
A man's feet should be planted in his country,
but his eyes should survey the world.
 -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
A man's good breeding is the best security against another's bad manners.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
A man's gotta do - whatever his wife tells him to!
%%
A man's gotta know his limitations.
 -- Dirty Harry [Clint Eastwood] in "Magnum Force", 197
%%
A man's got to be his own savior.
%%
A man shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth
%%
A man's happiness,--to do the things proper to man.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, viii, 26
%%
A man's heart deviseth his way; but the Lord directeth his steps.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvi, 9
%%
A man's home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside it is more
often his nursery.
%%
A man should be careful never to tell tales of himself to his own disadvantage;
people may be amused, and laugh at the time, but they will be remembered, and
brought up against him upon some subsequent occasion.
 -- Johnson
%%
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
%%
A man should be upright, not be kept upright.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iii, 5
%%
A man should choose a woman and an ox from his own country.
%%
A man should never be ashamed to admit he has been in the wrong, which
is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
 -- Pope
%%
A man should not allow himself to hate even his enemies, because if you indulge
this passion on some occasions, it will rise of itself in others; if you hate
your enemies, you will contract such a vicious habit of mind, as by degrees
will break out upon those who are your friends, or those who are
indifferent to you.
 -- Plutarch
%%
A man's house is his hassle.
%%
A man's ingress into the world is naked and bare,
His progress through the world is trouble and care;
And lastly, his egress out of the world, is nobody knows where.
If we do well here, we shall do well there:
I can tell you no more if I preach a whole year.
 -- John Edwin (1749-1790)
 -- The Eccentricities of John Edwin (second edition),
 -- Vol. i, p. -- 74, London, 1791
%%
A man's legs must be long enough to reach the ground.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
A man's mother is his misfortune, his wife is his fault.
%%
A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third,
 takes the fourth, accepts the fifth--and endures all the rest.
 -- Helen Rowland
%%
A man sometimes devotes his life to a desire which he is not sure
will ever be fulfilled.  Those who laugh at this folly are, after
all, no more than mere spectators of life.
 -- Ryunosuke Akutagawa
%%
A man sought medical aid because he was crippled and could hardly walk. The
 foot doctor suggested surgery. After the operation, nothing changed. The
 man then consulted a bone surgeon, who suggested surgery on his legs. After
 this second operation, nothing changed. The man went to a chiropractor for
 six months, and no change was effected, although he was told his spine was
 out of line. Finally the man consulted a psychiatrist at great expense, and
 the doctor told him he was totally suicidal and would die within months.
 Despondent, the man went out and spent a great deal of money on a new
 wardrobe. At the shoe store, he ordered the finest, a size 10. The
 salesperson said he needed size 11, but the man insisted on a size 10.
 "Look here," said the salesperson, "if you were a size 10 you are going to
 get crippled and wish you were dead."
%%
A man so various, that he seem'd to be
Not one, but all mankind's epitome;
Stiff in opinions, always in the wrong,
Was everything by starts, and nothing long;
But in the course of one revolving moon
Was chymist, fiddler, statesman, and buffoon.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 545
%%
A man's silence is wonderful to listen to.
 -- Thomas Hardy
%%
A man's true wealth is the good he does in the world.
 -- Mohammed
%%
A man that fortune's buffets and rewards
Hast ta'en with equal thanks.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A man that hath friends must show himself friendly; and there is a
friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xviii, 24
%%
A man that 's fond precociously of stirring
      Must be a spoon.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Morning Meditations
%%
A man thinks differently in a palace and in a hut.
%%
A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.
 -- Herman Melville
%%
A man to carry on a successful business must have imagination.  He must
see things as in a vision, a dream of the whole thing.
 -- Charles M. Schwab
%%
A man too busy to take care of his health is like a mechanic too busy
to take care of his tools.
 -- Spanish proverb
%%
"Aman-Tut and Julius Caesar -- they both foresaw
 their untimely deaths, thousands of years ago, in
 this very oracle. And so did Max Headroom."
 -- ABC seeks after David Addison with help from a soothsayer, in MOONLIGHTING
%%
A manuscript for a market in which no textbooks currently exist will
be followed two weeks after contracting by an announcement of an
identical book by your closest competitor.
%%
A manuscript, like a fetus, is never improved by showing it to somebody
before it is completed.
%%
A man used to be rated on how well he achieved bringing home the bacon. All
 that has passed. Now, he is rated on how well he brings home the textured
 vegatable protein bacon flavored strips.
%%
A man walked into a bar. It hurt!
%%
A man walked into a haberdashery and said to the owner,
"Did you just see me come in?"
The owner replied,
"Yes, sir, I did."
"Ahhhh!" the man said. "Have you ever seen me before?"
The owner was puzzled. "No sir, never in my life."
"Ah Hah!" the man exclaimed. "Then how did you know it was me?"
%%
A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity
problem...So do I."
%%
A man was late for work. "What's the idea of being late?" asked the boss.
 "Well, the alarm clock woke up everybody but me this morning."

 "What do you mean, the alarm clock woke up everybody in the family but
 you?"

 "Well, there's eight in our family and the clock was set for seven."
 -- "Senator" Ed Ford
%%
A man was praying to God one evening, and asked God, "God, in terms of the
vastness of your power and knowledge, what does a million dollars mean to
you?"  God replied, "A penny."  Then the man asked, "And, in terms of the
vastness of your power and knowledge, what does a million years mean to you?"
 God replied, "A second."  All excited, the man asked, "Well, then, can I
borrow a penny?", to which God replied, "In a second."
%%
A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot,
 and a man who dare not reason is a slave.
 -- William Drummond
%%
A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
 -- Soren Kierkegaard
%%
A man who can't mind his own business is not to be trusted with the king's.
 -- Saville
%%
A man who carrys a cat by the tail is getting experience that will
always be helpful.  He isn't likely to grow dim or doubtful.  Chances
are, he isn't likely to carry the cat that way again, either.  But
if he wants to, I say let him!
 -- Mark Twain
%%
A man who checks out of the express lane with seven items is the same man
who will wear Supp-Hose and park in the Reserved for Handicapped spaces.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
A man who claims to know what's good for others is dangerous.
 -- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
%%
A man who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket.
 -- John Dennis (1657-1734)
 -- The Gentleman's Magazine, Vol. li, Page 324
%%
A man who cries is capable of any evil.
%%
A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.
 -- Charles Darwin
%%
A man who desires to get married should know everything or nothing.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
A man who enters into marriage thinking he will educate his wife is guilty
 of the same stupidity as a wife who enters into marriage thinking she will
 reform her new husband. Both of these folks are in for a lot of reform and
 a good deal of education, but it may not be as helpful as they thought.
%%
A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears:
 -- Montaigne
%%
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
%%
A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for
life the feeling of a conqueror.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is committing
another mistake.
 -- attributed to Confucius
%%
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but
if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)
%%
"A man who has no business being anyone's role
 model..."
 -- Kelvin Mace
%%
A man who has no eyes,
sess a tree with apples.
He takes no apples
He leaves no apples
 A one-eyed man sees a tree
 with two apples and takes
 one. (Notice use of plural
 vs singular)
%%
A man who is always forgetting his best intentions may be said to
be a thoroughfare of good resolutions.
 -- Mrs. Jameson
%%
A man who is always ready to believe what is told him will never do well.
 -- Gaius Petronius, "Satyricon"
%%
A man who is always satisfied with himself is seldom satisfied with
others.
 -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
A man who is 'of sound mind' is one who keeps the inner madman under
lock and key.
 -- Paul Valery
%%
A man who is ungrateful is often less to blame than his benefactor.
 -- Francis, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
 -- Maxim 96
%%
A man who knows the world will not only make the most of everything
he does know, but of many things that he does not know; and will
gain more credit by his adroit mode of hiding his ignorance than
the pendant by his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition.
 -- Colton
%%
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him.
%%
A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys 100
copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.
 -- "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos
%%
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks
 the whole world revolves around him--and it usually does.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
A man whose blood
Is very snow-broth; one who never feels
The wanton stings and motions of the sense.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
A man who steals his neighbor's wife is not alone
%%
A man who studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
%%
A man who was loved by three hundred women singled me out to live with him.
 Why? I was the only one without a cat.
 -- Elayne Boosler
%%
A man will be a man all his life,
but a woman is only sexy till she becomes your wife.
 -- Al Bundy, (Married With Children)
%%
A man will beg, a man will crawl
on the sheer face of love, like a fly on a wall.
 -- U2
%%
A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 1804-1815
%%
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
%%
A man with an erection is in no need of advice.
%%
A man with a watch knows what time it is.  A man with two watches
  is never sure.
 -- Segal's Law
%%
A man with no vision......
 should'nt drive
%%
A man without a horse is like a man without a weapon: stunted and naked.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
 A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
 -- Vique's Law
%%
A man without a woman is like a bird without a parachute.
Yeah, an emu!
%%
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
%%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%%
A man without passion would be like a body without a soul. Or even more
grotesque, like a soul without a body.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A man works hard to keep the wolf from the door.  Then his daughter grows up
and brings one home.
%%
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point...and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
%%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%%
"A map of the world without Utopia is not worth glancing at."
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Amarie: "And what do you want from me?"
Riker: "I was hoping you might know his business partners."
Amarie: "And why should I help you?"
Riker: "To be honest, I can't think of a good reason."
Amarie: "Well, you did kill my ex-husband.  And that's not a bad start.  So why
  don't you drop a few coins into the jar and I'll see what I remember."
Riker: "I don't carry money."
Amarie: "Well, you don't offer much, do you?"
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Amarie: "And what would you like to hear?"
Riker: "Know some blues?"
Amarie: "Look at me, mister.  What'd you think?"
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Amarie: "A new face."
Riker: "Same one I've always had."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Amarie: "So who are you looking for?"
Riker: "Who says I'm looking for anybody?"
Amarie: "Your face, your uniform, in a place like this?"
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Amarie: "Suck salt?"
Riker: "Never cared for it."
Amarie: "Hmm, good for you.  Nasty habit."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
A married man sho wants to conceal his drunken infidelities can easily
wake up in the morning wondering who he's lying next to.
%%
A martyr is a hero who didn't make it.
%%
A mass enormous! which in modern days
No two of earth's degenerate sons could raise.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xx, Line 337
%%
A massive stone tablet imbedded in the wall reads:
Congratulations on bringing light into the dark-room!
%%
A massive walk-in safe takes up the entire north wall.  It is tightly
closed, and has no handle, lock, nor keyhole.
%%
A mass of ice fills the western half of the room.
%%
A Master of Art
Is not worth a fart.
 -- Andrew Boorde (1490?-1549)
%%
A masterpiece by a neglected genius is here.
%%
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
novices.  "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the master.

"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.

"It is," came the reply.

"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.

"It is even in a video game," said the master.

"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.
"The lesson is over for today," he said.
 -- "The Tao of Programming"
%%
Amateur electrician:  the crispy thing hanging from the ceiling.
%%
Amateur hour:  That 60 minutes after the bars close...
%%
Amateur radio operators do it with frequency.
%%
Amateurs built the ARK, professionals built the TITANIC! None the less, I
 would still prefer that the surgeon operate on me, not the carpenter.
%%
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there.
 -- Charles Darwin
%%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
 -- Paul Erdos
%%
A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a
large group of peers.  After he's gone through most of it,
one of the mathematicians says "Wait!  That's not true.  I have
a counter-example!"

He replies, "That's okay.  I have two proofs."
%%
A mathematician is somebody who can do multiplication without a calculator...
%%
Amaze your friends.
%%
AMAZING ANCIENT SYRIAN MONOLITH CURES SEXUAL FRIGIDITY
%%
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
%%
Amazing how much you learn after thinking you know it all
%%
Amazon Martian SysOps are the BEST!!!!
%%
Ambidextrose: Able to put sugar in tea with either hand.
%%
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
or a left.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ambidextrous instructors will erase with one hand while writing with
the other.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
Ambiguity is invariant.
 -- Hartz' Uncertainty Principle
%%
Ambiguity is the preserve of the nimble minded, yet frozen lipped.
%%
Ambiguity means telling the truth when you don't mean to.
%%
AMBITION:
An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
%%
Ambition destroys its possessor.
%%
Ambition has but one reward for all:
A little power,
a little transient fame,
a grave to rest in,
and a fading name.
 -- William Winter
%%
Ambition has one heel nailed in well, though she stretch her fingers to
touch the heavens.
 -- William Lilly
%%
Ambition, idly vain; revenge and malice swell her train.
 -- Penrose
%%
Ambition is a dream with a v8 engine.
 -- Elvis
%%
Ambition is a lust that is never quenched, but grows more inflamed and
madder by enjoyment.
 -- Thomas Otway
%%
Ambition is an idol, on whose wings great minds are carried only
to extreme; To be sublimely great or to be nothing.
 -- Southey
%%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
 -- Charlie McCarthy
%%
Ambition is in fact the avarice of power.
%%
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap.
The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog
because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals.
 -- Denham
%%
Ambition is not a vice of little people.
 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592)
%%
Ambition is so powerful a passion in the human breast, that however high
we reach we are never satisfied.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
%%
Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds.
 -- Thomas Dunn English
%%
Ambition is the last refuge of failure.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ambition often puts men upon doing the mesaest offices:  so climbing is
performed in the same posture with creeping.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
Ambition's like a circle on the water, which never ceases to enlarge
itself, 'till by broad spreading it disperse to nought.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Ambition: The dropsy'd thirst of empire, wealth or fame.
 -- Nugent
%%
Ambition: The glorious frailty of the noble mind.
 -- Hoole
%%
Ambition usually progresses through the following stages: to be like Dad,
to be a millionaire, to make enough to pay the bills,
to hang on long enough to draw a pension.
%%
Ambivalent? Maybe I am and maybe I'm not ...
%%
AMBLIN PRESS RELEASE: The New Dr.Who will be played by ...
%%
Ambulance does NOT equal taxi!
%%
Ambulance drivers come quicker.
%%
Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway
%%
"AMDAC?????" asked the disgruntled FE.
%%
AM DISC JOCKEYS do it with Modulated Amplitude.
%%
A MEETING - A mass mulling of master-minds.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the
hours are lost.
 -- Gourd's Axiom
%%
A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what
they should be doing.
%%
A meeting lasts at least one and a half hours, however short the agenda.
 -- Denys Parsons
%%
Amelia Rumford: Can I ask you a personal question?
 Doctor: Well, I don't see how I can stop you asking.
 Rumford: [Are you from outer space?]
 Doctor: No, I'm more from what you would call inner time.
 Stones of Blood
%%
A member of the Don't Let The Fungi From Yuggoth Breed Society
%%
A member of your family will soon do something that will make you proud.
%%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
 -- Acheson's Rule of Bureauracracy
%%
A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely
unhappen.
 -- Edward de Bono
%%
Amending the Constitution to protect the flag is not a matter of
partisan politics.  It's an American issue.
 -- President George Bush, holding a miniature version of the Iwo Jima memorial
%%
Amend your ways and your doings.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Jeremiah vii, 3; xxvi, 13
%%
A mental midget.
 -- Moe Howard
%%
A mere bag of shells.
%%
A mere madness, to live like a wretch and die rich.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subsect. 12
%%
America ... a great social and economic experiment, noble in motive and
far- reaching in purpose.
 -- Herbert Hoover (1874-1964)
%%
America: born free and taxed to death.
%%
America does not seek aggression...nor does it seek to chart the destiny
 of other nations...
 -- George Bush
%%
AMERICA finds it at Waldenbooks.
%%
America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
America! half-brother of the world!
With something good and bad of every land.
 -- Philip James Bailey (1816-1902)
 -- Festus, Scene, The Surface
%%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
America has believed that in differentiation, not in uniformity, lies
the path of progress.  It acted on this belief; it has advanced human
happiness, and it has prospered.
 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis (1856-1941)
%%
America has furnished to the world the character of Washington. And
if our American institutions had done nothing else, that alone would
have entitled them to the respect of mankind.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Completion of Bunker Hill Monument, June 17, 1843, p. 105
%%
America has meant to the world a land in which the common man who means
well and is willing to do his part has access to all the necessary means
of a good life.
 -- Alvin Saunders Johnson
%%
AMERICA HELD HOSTAGE!  To conservative ideas that don't work!
%%
AMERICA: Home of the richest poor people in the world.
%%
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
 -- Allen Ginsberg
%%
America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
 -- Allen Ginsberg
%%
America is a country of young men.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
America is a country that can choke on a gnat, or swallow tigers.
 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
%%
    America is a country that doesn't know where it is going
but is determined to set a speed record getting there.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
America is a country where they have freedom of speech but everyone
says the same thing.
 -- Tocqueville
%%
America is a dream to most of the world.
%%
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
%%
America is a mistake, a giant mistake.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort."
 -- President John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
America is a tune. But it must be sung in harmony.
%%
America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into
 your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind --
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
America is great, because America is free.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
America is just not what it used to be!
%%
America is like a melting pot.
The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.
 -- Charlie King
%%
America is not a mere body of traders; it is a body of free men.  Our
greatness is built upon our freedom -- is moral, not material.   We have
a great ardor for grain; but we have a deep passion for the rights of
man.
 -- Woodrow Wilson
%%
America is not merely a nation but a nation of nations.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
 -- John Barrymore
%%
America is the greatest of opportunities and the worst of influences.
 -- George Santayana
%%
America is the only country founded on a good ideal.
%%
America is the only country left where we teach languages so that
no pupil can speak them.
 -- John Erskine
%%
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone
directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval
of civilization.
 -- George Clemenceau (1841-1929) (also attributed to Oscar Wilde)
%%
America lives in the heart of every man everywhere who wishes to find a
region where he will be free to work out his destiny as he chooses.
 -- Woodrow Wilson
%%
America:  log on or log off
%%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from
barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
 -- John O'Hara
%%
America My Country: last nation on earth to abolish human slavery; first of
all nations to drop the nuclear bomb on our fellow human beings.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
"American Airlines. Fly with us and you won't walk again."
 -- Sign seen in L.A.
%%
American beer is like sex in a canoe. F***ing close to water!
%%
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
between the men's room and the women's room without having little
pictures on the doors.
 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
%%
American by birth, confederate by the grace of God.
%%
American by birth, conservative by the grace of God.
%%
American by birth, Southern by the grace of God.
%%
American by birth, TEXAN by the grace of God.
%%
American cars are made shoddily...
Cars made overseas are far superior.
 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
%%
American college students are like American colleges - each has half-dulled
faculties.
 -- James Thurber
%%
"American comic books are militaristic propaganda!
 And much too expensive!"
 -- Well, they are! From "The American"
%%
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise is
going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently, any
young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations in a
car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how to drive
but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her husband
drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him help, she's
bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges which train the
bright young women who're going to marry the bright young men who are going to
own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this continent would teach
the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred other useless things,
but never a word about the one that will cause the greatest friction.
 -- James Michener, "Space"
%%
American culture
 -- Oxymoron
%%
American elect Democrats to Congress so they'll be
given what they want and Republicans to the White House so
they won't have to pay for it--neither one works
%%
American English: The language of Presidents!
%%
American freedom consists largely in talking nonsense.
 -- Ed Howe
%%
American Non Sequitur Society--we don't make sense, but
we do like pizza
%%
American politics: The walruses herding the oysters.
%%
Americans are an energetic, ingenious, creative people. One index
to this fact is that since the establishment of the patent system
in 1836, there have been more than 3.75 million patents issued.
%%
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while
Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
 -- J. Bartlett Brebner
%%
Americans are big boys. You can talk them into almost anything. Sit with
 them for half an hour over a bottle of whiskey and be a nice guy.
 -- Nguyen Cao Ky
%%
Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person
 can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman,
 but if a man doesn't drive there's something wrong with him.
 -- Art Buchwald
%%
Americans are just not what they used to be!
%%
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
%%
Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup,
 mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment
 which destroys the original flavor of the dish.
 -- Henry Miller
%%
Americans' greatest fear is that America
will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
%%
Americans have always attached particular value to the word "neighbor."
While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier
because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because
our neighbors are so many.
 -- Lady Bird Johnson
%%
Americans have different ways of saying things.  They say `elevator',
 we say `lift'...they say `President', we say `stupid psychopathic
 git'....
 -- Alexi Sayle
%%
Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike
the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to
trust the people with arms.
 -- James Madison
%%
American showgirl Carol Gale initiated a malpractice suit after a plastic
 surgeon accidentally injected her with Silly Putty instead of silicone.
 Carol claimed that overnight she went from a 34B to a 42 long."
 -- Dick Martin
%%
Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to
 the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.'   We have opted instead
 for an authoritarian system *disguised* as a Democracy.  We pay through
 the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and
 then wonder how all those assholes got in there.
 --   Frank Zappa
%%
Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a loser.
%%
American Society for Zero Defects
%%
Americans suffer from emotional chaos without reason.
%%
American stuntmen are smart -- they think about safety.  When they do
a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance... But
in Hong Kong, we don't know how to count.  Everything we do is a guess.
If you've got the guts, you do it.  All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt.
I say, 'Do it!  Camera, action, jump!' Boom!  Ambulance!  Hospital!  Next
stuntman!
 -- Jackie Chan, actor, director, and stuntman.
%%
"Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't
 cross the thin line between cute and demonic."
 -- Ian Shoales
%%
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
 -- Dan Rather
%%
[Americans will soon observe the 20th anniversary of] Neil Armstrong and
Buzz Lukens' walk on the moon.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the sexual
 -- assaulter/Congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 7/15/89
 -- Los Angeles Times (7/16/89)
%%
America's 5 Most Feared Words: "Dan, I don't feel well."
%%
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man.
 -- Ilka Chase
%%
America's favorite sport is talking. Football is really just talk. You only
 get about four and a half seconds of action and then everybody talks. The
 commentators talk, the spectators talk, even the players get together and
 talk. Then they go back, sadly silent, play for another four and a half
 seconds, and then they get together and talk again!
 -- John Cleese
%%
America's favorite whine: "It's not my fault!"
%%
America's perfect couple: Lorena Bobbitt & Bob Packwood
%%
America's Team is back! -- Go Cowboys!
%%
America the beautiful.
%%
America, the land of distant relatives.
 -- Sherry
%%
America, the land of opportunity for Japanese businessmen.
%%
America! the land of the Chrysler 440 cubic inch engine!
%%
America trusts us.
%%
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
until people
got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to
"America".
 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
America was not discovered by Americans, shame on them.
%%
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better.  America was
founded so we could all be anything we damn well please.
 -- P.J. O'Rourke
%%
America, where you park on the driveway!
%%
A merrier man,
Within the limit of becoming mirth,
I never spent an hour's talk withal.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvii, 22
%%
A merry heart goes all the day,
Your sad tires in a mile-a.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Winter's Tale
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
A merry heart lives long.
 -- William Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Act II, Sc. 5
%%
A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xv, 13
%%
A ^Merry^ Messy Kweznuz
%%
A merry monarch, scandalous and poor.
 -- Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)
 -- On the King
%%
A message from Bob brings sunshine into my day.
%%
A Message From Our Sponsor TRAP000E ERRCD=0000 ERACC=** ERLIM=*****
%%
A message from the Anybody But Bush campaign:  Saddam Hussein
still has a job, Do you?
%%
A message from the depths of Hell!
%%
A metallic voice says, "Hello, Intruder!  Your unauthorized presence
in the vault area of the Bank of Zork has set off all sorts of nasty
surprises, several of which seem to have been fatal.  This message
brought to you by the Frobozz Magic Alarm Company."
%%
A metaphor is like a simile.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
 -- Leibnitz
%%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
 -- Audobon Society Magazine
%%
A Mexican _WILL_ blink when hit by a hammer.
%%
Amiable weaknesses of human nature.
 -- Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)
 -- Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1776), Chap. xiv
%%
Amiable weakness.
 -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
 -- Tom Jones, Book x, Chap. viii
%%
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I a law-abiding gun owner? Depends, what's the law today?
%%
Am I at Wits End, Or just stuck in my chair?
%%
Am I a ZAPF Dingbat?  V^\_o^o_/^V
%%
Am I crazy to expect my deposit back
%%
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend.
%%
A mid-air collision can seriously erode climb performance.
 -- Barry Schiff
%%
Amid all the confusion, Fred was talking to All about Hockey taglines??
%%
"Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers
 cancellation, ABC has canceled `Our World', which
 featured Linda Ellerbee.  The two unemployed women
 plan to get together and open up a chain of charm
 schools in Libya."
 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 319
%%
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
%%
Amid the desolation, you spot what appears to be your head,
tastefully impaled on the end of a long pole.
%%
Amid the roses fierce Repentance rears
Her snaky crest.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Spring, Line 996
%%
Am I elected yet?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I experiencing widespread political corruption yet?
%%
AMIGA: Amiga Meets IBM, Goes Ape
%%
AMIGA - Amiga's Make Incredibly Good Ashtrays
%%
Amiga: A museum artifact.
%%
Amiga, banned in the 90's for impersonating a computer..!
%%
Amiga.  Because a man can never have too many tasks.
%%
Amiga CD^32 -- always on the top.
%%
Amiga: computer for those who like to swim against the current.
%%
Amiga: Computer With Training Wheels you Can't Remove
%%
Amiga Error #2 User reached puberty, unable to continue
%%
Amiga -> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
%%
Amiga - Motorola Inside
%%
Amiga: Newest Ophan on the Block..
%%
Amiga: No Intel Inside.
%%
AMIGA: on the endangered species list.
%%
Amiga -- over 256,000,000,000 pixels sold.
%%
Amigas are great for multitasking - paperweight AND doorstop.
%%
Amigas are to computing what Barney is to entertainment..
%%
Amigas!?.  'nuff said.
%%
Amiga: the computer for the creative mind
MacIntosh: The computer for the rest of us
%%
Amiga - the step between Nintendo and IBM.
%%
Amiga:  Yesterday's technology, tomorrow.
%%
Amiga?!  You mean a toy computer? :-)
%%
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
 -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
A mighty fortress is our God,
  A bulwark never failing;
Our helper He amid the flood
  Of mortal ills prevailing.
 -- Martin Luther (1483-1546)
 -- Psalm, Ein feste Burg ist unser Gott (trans. by Frederic H, Hedge)
%%
A mighty hunter, and his prey was man.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Windsor Forest, Line 61
%%
A mighty pain to love it is,
And 't is a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- From Anacreon, vii, Gold
%%
A mighty work deserves a mighty theme.
 -- Herman Melville
%%
Am I going overboard yet?
%%
Am I going too far yet?
%%
Am I half crazy, or half sane?  And do I really care?
%%
Am I hallucinating or something??
%%
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I late?  Did I miss the fight?  En garde!
 -- Holo-Riker, "Hollow Puruits,"  stardate 43807.4.
%%
A mile, walked with a friend, has only one hundred steps.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
 -- Heidi Sandige
%%
A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.
 -- Shimon Tzabar
%%
A Millet man tried to have his marriage voided when he found out her
father didn't have a license for his shotgun.
%%
Am I my brother's keeper?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis iv, 9
%%
A mind content both crown and kingdom is.
 -- Greene
%%
A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought, alone.
 -- William Wordsworth
%%
A mind is a terrible thing.
%%
A mind is a terrible thing--it must be stopped before
it kills again.
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears.
 -- The League of Sadistic Telepaths
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to lay off.
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to lose.......
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to ..OOOH a new video game!
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to ..OOOH!!! Mail packets!
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to ...uhhh...I forget...
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
%%
A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with.
 -- Sledge Hammer
%%
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
%%
A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, But a waist is a terrible thing to
mind.
%%
A mind not to be chang'd by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
 -- Satan, from John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 253
%%
A ministering angel shall my sister be.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A minister says matrimony should be enduring.  It is.
%%
A minor difficulty, if given time and a bit of energy, can be teased up
 into a truly major catastrophe. (This is NOT a Dan Quayle Joke, so knock it
 off!)
%%
Am I not a man and a brother?
 -- From a medallion by Wedgwood (1787), representing a negro in chains,
 -- with one knee on the ground, and both hands lifted up to heaven.
 -- This was adopted as a characteristic seal by
 -- the Antislavery Society of London
%%
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
Am I pleased or frightened?
%%
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
%%
A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
%%
A miser is someone who earns his money the hoard way.
%%
Am I SHOPLIFTING?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A miss is as good as a mile.
%%
Am I then...not popular?
Um...well, put it this way...When people slip in what dogs have left in
  the street they do tend to say, 'Whoops - I've trod in an Edmund'.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
%%
Am I to understand that you people sell dead, fried cats?
%%
Amityville - A good Place To Be From - Far From!
%%
AMM: Add Mayo and Mustard
%%
AMM: Answer My Mail
%%
Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find
out.  Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring.  Ecstasy
is knowing exactly who one is -- and still not caring.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
Amnesia rules - O
%%
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
%%
AMNESTY, n.  The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would
be too expensive to punish.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A mob has many heads, but no brains.
%%
A mockery king of snow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A modem in every computer!
%%
A modem jury rigged from spare electronic
parts and a wooden staff normally used to
play billiards.
 -- Acoustic Modem
%%
A moderator AND a tagline thief... JUST SHOOT ME!
%%
A Moderator's job is never done!
%%
A moderator's power ends at his echo.  A sysop's ends at his board.
%%
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
 -- Churchill
%%
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
 -- Goldsmith
%%
A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on
 approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport:
         Delta---We almost got you there
%%
:amoeba: n. Humorous term for the Commodore Amiga personal computer.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Amoebit:  Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
%%
A Mogwai is simply a highly evolved Tribble.
%%
A momentary moment of slackness...
%%
A moment of agony that transcends all moments of agony. I hope this story
 is true, because it's too beautiful to be a lie. A man is at a long table.
 There are twenty-five people seated about this table, enjoying a formal
 supper. This man is meeting for the first time his prospective in-laws.
 It's a very stiff affair, white tie, he's trying desperately to behave
 tonight. At one point during the meal, he glances down into his lap and he
 notices that he has forgotten to do something terribly important. Very
 surreptitiously he reaches down and makes the adjustment. And everything is
 fine. A few minutes later he gets up to excuse himself. And the whole
 tablecloth goes with him.
 -- Shelley Berman
%%
A Moment's Halt--a momentary taste
Of BEING from the Well amid the Waste--
  And, Lo! the phantom Caravan has reach'd
The NOTHING it set out from. Oh, make haste!
 -- Omar Khayyam (died c.1133)
 -- Rubaiyat, Stanza xlviii
%%
Among animals, it's eat or be eaten. Among people it's
define or be defined.
%%
Among a people generally corrupt, liberty cannot long exist.
%%
Among civilized nations reason has always been an occupational hazard.
%%
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
 -- Horngren's Observation
%%
Among mankind money is far more persuasive than logical argument.
 -- Euripides
%%
Among mortals second thoughts are wisest.
 -- Euripides
%%
Among politicians and businessmen, *Pragmatism* is the current term for "To
hell with our children."
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Amongst so many borrowed things, I am glad if I can steal one, disguising
and altering it for some new service.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. xii
%%
Among the chief worries of today's business executives is the
large number of unemployed still on the payrolls.
%%
Among the damned, you are the chosen one.
%%
Among the locky, your name is anathema.
%%
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
%%
Among the many handicaps of old age which must be lived with is wisdom.
%%
Among the porcupines, rape is unknown.
 -- Gregory Clark
%%
Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt
that proclaimed 'Abominably Slow Man.'
%%
Among the things that is next to impossible, when it comes to putting off
 till tomorrow those things we don't intend doing today is procrastination.
%%
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common donominator,
but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
 -- W. H. Auden
%%
Among twenty snowy mountains the only moving thing was the eye of the
black bird.
%%
Among unequals what society
Can sort, what harmony, or true delight?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 383
%%
Among what he called his precepts were such as these: Do not stir
the fire with a sword. Do not sit down on a bushel. Do not devour
thy heart.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pythagoras, xvii
%%
A monied aristocracy in our country ... has already set the government
at defiance.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
A monitor system named DOS
Became superseded by OS.
It's not hard to guess
Why the consequent mess
Caused programmers all to scream "S.O.S."
 -- The Great Quux May 1973
%%
A monk asked Nansen, "Is there any great spiritual
 teaching that has not been preached to the people?"

 Nansen said, "There is."

 "What is the truth that has not been taught?"

 "Nothing," Nansen replied.
%%
A monkey was my great, great, great, great.....
%%
A monk said to Joshu, "I have just entered this
 monastery. Please teach me."

 "Have you eaten your breakfast?" Joshu asked.

 "Yes, I have," replied the student.

 "Then you had better wash your bowl."
%%
A monk said to Joshu, "Your stone bridge is widely
 renowned, but coming here I find only a heap of rocks."

 Joshu said, "You see only the stones and not the bridge."

 The monk said, "What is the bridge?"

 Joshu said, "What do you think we are walking on?"
%%
A monk sat with his three students. He took out his
 fan and placed it in front of him, saying, "Without calling
 it a fan, tell me what this is."

 The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket."
 The master poked him with his stick.

 The second picked up the fan and fanned himself. He too
 was rewarded with the stick.

 The third opened the fan, laid a piece of cake on it,
 and served it to his teacher. The teacher said, "Eat your cake."
%%
A monk, taking a bamboo stick, said to the people,
 "If you call this a stick, you fall into the trap of words,
 but if you do not call it a stick, you contradict facts.
 So what do you call it?"

 At that time a monk in the assembly came forth.
 He snatched the stick, broke it in two, and threw the pieces
 across the room.
%%
A monopolist is a person who keeps an elbow on each arm of his theatre chair.
%%
A monstrous mind is a toy for ever.
%%
A Moose once bit my sister ...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
A moose on the road is a Canadian stop sign....
%%
A moral, sensible, and well-bred man
Will not affront me,--and no other can.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Conversation, Line 193
%%
Amor, ch'al cor gentil ratto s'apprende,
  prese costui de la bella persona
  che mi fu tolta; e 'l modo ancor m'offende.
Amor, ch'a nullo amato amar perdona,
  mi prese del costui piacer si` forte,
  che, come vedi, ancor non m'abbandona.
Amor condusse noi ad una morte.

Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
  seized this one for the fair form
  that was taken from me-and the way of it affects me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
  seized me so strongly with delight in him,
  that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
Love brought us to one death.
 -- Dante, La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-106
%%
A more intimate theology, and one more consonant with the nature of...love,
pictures a demonic force engaged in continuous creation and participation.
 -- Iris Murdoch
%%
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
 -- Mr. Dooley
%%
A morsel for a monarch.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Amor Vincit Omnia (Love conquers all)
%%
Amos always said he wanted to be cremated when he died. His brother, trying
 to honor the wish of Amos, shopped carefully among the several funeral
 homes, and finally found one that was somewhat cheaper than the rest,
 proving that a penny saved is a penny urned. (This should be cremated, it
 is just downright awful! Terribly sorry, really, about this.)
%%
A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane

 -- From the Seattle Food Garden Newsletter,
 -- put out by the Washington State University's
 -- Extension Service and King County
%%
... a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!
 -- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_
%%
A most unspotted lily shall she pass
To the ground, and all the world shall mourn her.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
A mother first realises the meaning of the "Spitting Image"
when she feeds her baby cereal for breakfast!
%%
A mother-in-law is often a mother.
%%
A mother is a mother still,
The holiest thing alive.
 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
A mother is not a dust rag.
%%
A mother of quintuplets gave spouse a separate bedroom.
%%
A mother pampering a child is raising a serpent.
%%
A mother's sorrow is more true, honorable, and beautiful than the detachment
of the sage.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
 -- Frost
%%
A motion to abend is always in order.
%%
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
 -- Parker's Rule of Parliamentary Procedure
%%
A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
%%
A mountain was in labour, sending forth dreadful groans, and there
was in the region the highest expectation. After all, it brought forth
a mouse.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book iv, Fable 23, 1
%%
Amount of pizza eaten each day in the U.S.: 75 acres.
 -- "Harper's Magazine"
%%
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
%%
A mouse may be useful, but only as cat food.
%%
:amper: n. Common abbreviation for the name of the ampersand (`&',
   ASCII 0100110) character.  See {{ASCII}} for other synonyms.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:amp off: [Purdue] vt. To run in {background}.  From the UNIX shell `&'
   operator.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
AMR: The girlfriend in THE CRYING GAME is actually a guy.
%%
AMS: Add Memory to System
%%
Amsterdam, the motherland of small rodents.
%%
A much-discussed alternative to homogeneous big-bang nucleosynthesis
has been
the first-order quark-hadron phase-transition-inspired inhomogeneous model.
%%
A mule in a tux is still a mule.
%%
Amulets are hard to make. Even for a wand of wishing.
%%
A Multitasking Timex Sinclair
 -- Matt Sorrels in reference to Andrew running X-Windows
%%
A murderer is one who is presumed to be innocent until proven insane.
%%
A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.
 -- Graham Chapman
%%
Amusements to virtue are like breezes of air to the flame- gentle
ones will fan it, but strong ones will put it out.
 -- David Thomas
%%
Amusement:  the happiness of those who cannot think.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Amusement to an observing mind is study.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
%%
A mushroom cloud on the horizon, 24 empty missile tubes-
-now it's Miller time
%%
A musician, an artist, an architect:
  the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
 -- William H. Blake (1757-1827)
%%
 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
 "If what?" asked the composer.
 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%%
A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
 -- Sir Thomas Beecham
%%
A mutated, superior man could also be a wonderful thing ... the
  forerunner of a new and better kind of human being!
 -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before," stardate 1312.9.
%%
A mysterious recorded voice groans into life and announces:
"This exit is closed.  Please leave via main office."
%%
A myth is a moth's sister.
 -- Stan Laurel
%%
A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.
 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy", 1973
%%
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%%
An 18-year-old boy, if he's properly formed, is ruled by the cruise
missile in his pants. The taut heartstrings and the fanciful talk --
they're all just formalities to getting laid; and when a
drop-dead-gorgeous girl at once abets and staves you off, ax murderers
and priests are born. Luckily, I had the Roubidoux bouldering circuit
to vent my frustrations upon--probably the only thing that kept me
sane.
 -- John Long, "A Fool and His Money"
%%
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
%%
An able man shows his spirit by gentle words and resolute actions;
he is neither hot nor timid.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
An absence, the decline of a dinner invitation, an unintentional coldness,
 can accomplish more than all the cosmetics and beautiful dresses in the
 world.
 -- Marcel Proust
%%
An abstract term is like a valise with a false bottom, you may put in it
what ideas you please, and take them out again, without being observed.
%%
An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful
 if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid
 in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise
 but made him happy.
 Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation.
 -- Sam Weber
%%
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
 -- Newlan's Truism
%%
An accommodating vice is better than an obstinate virtue.
%%
Anacharsis coming to Athens, knocked at Solon's door, and told him
that he, being a stranger, was come to be his guest, and contract
a friendship with him; and Solon replying, "It is better to make friends
at home," Anacharsis replied, "Then you that are at home make friendship
with me."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Solon
%%
Anacharsis said a man's felicity consists not in the outward and visible
favours and blessings of Fortune, but in the inward and unseen perfections
and riches of the mind.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- The Banquet of the Seven Wise Men, 11
%%
An acquired player fades, a traded player rises to stardom.
 -- Knox's Principle
%%
An actor entering through the door, you've got nothing. But if he enters
 through the window, you've got a situation.
 -- Billy Wilder
%%
An actor is a sculptor who carves in snow.
 -- Edwin Booth
%%
An actor without buck teeth can play the Easter Bunny.
%%
An addlepated individual and his specie divaricate with prematurity.
%%
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
%%
An ad hominy argument is gritless.
%%
An adulteress was condemned to the electric blanket.
%%
An adult is a deteriorated child.
%%
An adult is one who has ceased to grow vertically but not horizontally.
%%
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly
 considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure
 wrongly considered."
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
%%
An advertisement offers to make your fortune, instructions sent on
 receipt of $1. The reply is -- "Do as we do."
%%
ANAESTHETISTS do it until you fall asleep
%%
An after debt experience requires use of scissors.
%%
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine,
 but because people refuse to see it.
 -- James Michener, "Space"
%%
An agent is a vampire with a telephone.
 -- Any Editor
%%
An agreeable companion on a journey is as good as a carriage.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 143
%%
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the
agreement have reached an agreement."
 -- Irish Politician on RTE radio, from John O'Sullivan (Dublin, Ireland)
%%
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
An A is easily obtained if a student calls his instructor "Professor."
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
A naked man fears no pickpocket.
%%
An alcoholic is an enemy who drinks as much as you do.
%%
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
 physician.
 -- Barach's Rule
%%
An alcoholic is one who drinks to forget that he drinks and can lay on the
 floor and forget to hold on.
%%
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
 -- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
%%
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
 -- D. E. Knuth
%%
Analog hackers do it continuously.
%%
Analog
Hors d'oeuvre, usually made with cheese and covered with crushed
nuts.  Served at all staff parties.
%%
Anal retentive people don't give a crap.
%%
ANALysis of Liberal diets show they need a lot more fiber
%%
ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point?
 -- "National Computer Science Enquirer"
%%
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog.  Few people are interested,
and the frog dies of it.
 -- E. B. Waite
%%
Analyzing humour is like analyzing a frog :
you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
%%
An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put
him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down
a slope towards a stone wall.  For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the commonwealth.
 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
 -- Reliquiae Wottonianae
%%
 An ambitious and aggressive mother conned pianist Arthur Rubinstein into
 listening to her 10-year-old son murder a nocturne by Chopin. At the
 conclusion of the massacre, Rubinstein announced, "Madam, that is
 undoubtedly the worst piano playing I ever heard." Whereupon the mother
 nodded happily and told her son, "You see, stupid? Now will you give up
 those expensive piano lessons and try out for the Little League baseball
 team?
 -- Art Buchwald
%%
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
 -- Montana legislature's contribution to the English language
%%
An American Fascist seeking power would not proclaim that he is a
fascist.  Fascism always camouflages its plans and purposes. ... Any
fascist attempt made to gain power in America would not use the exact
Hitler pattern.  It would work under the guise of "super-patriotism" and
"super-Americanism".  Fascist leaders are neither stupid nor naive.
They know that they must hand out a line that "sells".   Huey Long is
said to have remarked that if Fascism came to America it would be on a
program of "Americanism".
 -- U. S. Army (1945)
%%
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
 -- A Chinese child
%%
An American is a person who demonstrates against a new power plant, then
goes home and flips on all the lights, turns up the air conditioner,
puts a tape in the stereo, opens the refrigerator door, plugs in the
coffee maker and sits down to see if the television cameras caught him
protesting.
 -- Wendell Trogdon
%%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President
but is always
polite to traffic cops.
%%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist--"
Bohr chuckled.
      "I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am scarcely
likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told that a
horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%%
A name unmusical to the Volscians' ears,
And harsh in sound to thine.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act iv, Sc. 5
%%
An Amiga is an EtchaSketch you don't hafta shake.
%%
Anananay: what happens when you start spelling "banana" and don't stop.
%%
An ancient pagan, who in pagandom was renowned and praised for his
wisdom, sailed on the same ship with a wicked man. When the ship was in
distress the wicked man lifted up his voice in prayer, but the wise man
said to him: "Keep quiet, my friend; if heaven discovers that you are on
board, the ship will go under.
%%
An ancient prophet once said Four things come not back - a spent
arrow, a spoken word, a past life, and a wasted opportunity.
 -- Rose Lane
%%
An angel! or, if not,
An earthly paragon!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act iii, Sc. 6
%%
An angry man is again angry with himself when he returns to reason.
 -- Publius Syrus
%%
An angry man opens his mouth and shuts up his eyes.
 -- Cato
%%
...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
 -- Roger M. Knutson, in Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common
 -- Animals of Roads, Streets, and Highways
%%
An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is
a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the
duration of his stay on this planet.  Since neither the mouse nor the chip
knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this
discovery.  But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question
emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt
and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the
centures as reelentlessly as hunger or sexual longing.  The chimp that does
not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared
the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end.  And even if the animal
experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or
to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no
appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man's wisdom may be traced
back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give
meaning to his existence, to life itself.
 -- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 193
%%
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
 1. People are animals.
 2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
 3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
 4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and
    plucked for music.
 5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own
    cunning.
 6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own
    momentum.
 7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
 -- E. L. Doctorow The Book of Daniel
%%
An anniversary was coming up, he started to reminisce about the last ten
years.        She just wanted to talk about her presents.
%%
An answer!  I don't even know the question.
 -- Kirk
%%
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
 -- David Letterman
%%
An apache is a member of a gang of criminals, especially in Paris.
%%
An aphorism is never exactly true;
it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
 -- Karl Kraus
%%
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side
of the case.  God has written all the books.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
An apology is the superglue of life: it can repair just about anything.
 -- Lynn Johnston
%%
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping it will eat him last.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away and does wonders for the fruit grower
 too.
%%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone
away.
%%
An apple a day keeps the doctor away - if you aim right!
%%
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
%%
An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but if you don't floss, the
 dentist will get you!
%%
An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.
%%
An Apple //e on UUCP.
%%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%%
AN APPRECIATION OF ART IS A HIGHER SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE!
%%
    An apprentice carpenter may want only a hammer and saw,
but a master craftsman employs many precision tools.  Computer
programming likewise requires sophisticated tools to cope with
the complexity of real applications, and only practice with
these tools will build skill in their use.
 -- Robert L. Kruse, Data Structures and Program Design
%%
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
%%
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
 -- Agatha Christie
%%
Anarcharsis, on learning that the sides of a ship were four fingers
thick, said that "the passengers were just that distance from death."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Anarcharsis, v
%%
Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to
rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Anarchism is not a romantic fable but the hardheaded realization, based on
five thousand years of experience, that we cannot entrust the management of
our lives to kings, priests, politicians, generals, and county commissioners.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Anarchist: Government plots cause Sh*t to happen.
%%
Anarchists do it revoltingly.
%%
Anarchists of the world unite !
%%
        An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
great restraint.
        As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
embellishment after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away
to be used "next time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished,
and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
are particular and not generalizable.
 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
 -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%%

An Architect starts out knowing very little about anything and
is educated to know less and less about more things such that he
ends up knowing nothing about everything.

An Engineer starts out knowing very little about anything and
is educated to know more and more about less and less so that she
ends up knowing everything about nothing.

A Contractor starts out knowing everything about everything but ends up
knowing nothing about anything primarily due to his association with
architects and engineers.
 -- ARCHITECTS, ENGINEERS AND CONTRACTORS / Their Education
%%
Anarcho-Capitalist for sale or rent.
%%
Anarcho-Paladin.
%%
Anarchy begins at home, but it doesn't have to end there
%%
Anarchy is against the law!
%%
Anarchy is not the absence of power, it is the absence of force.
%%
Anarchy -- It's not the law, it's just a good idea!
%%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
better than no government at all.
%%
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
%%
Anarchy, No rules - OK?
%%
Anarchy: Rights without Responsibilities.
%%
Anarchy Rules!
%%
ANARCHY RULES!!!! ... errr ... wait a minute :}
Why can't you be a nonconformist like everyone else?!?!?
%%
 Anarchy should be the law.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
 -- Corollary: I will establish democracy by dictatorial decree.
%%
Anarchy Unlimited
%%
Anarchy works. Italy has proved it for a thousand years.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
 -- Gore Vidal
%%
An armed society is a polite society.
 -- Robert Heinlein
%%
An army is like a piece of spaghetti.  You can't stand behind and push,
you have to get out in front and pull.
 -- George S. Patton
%%
An army must set forth in proper order.
If the order is not good, misfortune threatens.
%%
An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep.
 -- Arab proverb
%%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%%
An arrant traitor as any is in the universal world, or in France,
or in England!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act iv, Sc. 8
%%
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
    She was finally the prize
     Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
%%
A narrow compass! and yet there
Dwelt all that 's good, and all that 's fair;
Give me but what this riband bound,
Take all the rest the sun goes round.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- On a Girdle
%%
A narrow mind is usually accompanied by a wide mouth.
%%
An arrow shoots out at you!
%%
An article in the Spring 1990 issue of Arlo Guthrie's Rolling Blunder
Review describing the risks of reading RBR, concludes with the flawlessly
logical sentences:

 "In other words, if our readers understand that they do not
understand what they are reading then they must possess an understanding
which is superior to the meaning which caused that misunderstanding.
 "Only a sense of humor stands between pain and pleasure.  Nothing
worth reading can be read."
%%
An article which insists that whatever you are eating is carcinogenic can
 be found in next Sunday's edition of any newspaper which you select to
 read.
%%
An artist cannot speak about his art any more than a plane can discuss
horticulture.
 -- Jean Cocteau
%%
An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it.
 -- Paul Valery
%%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
 -- John Ruskin
%%
An artist who is self-taught is taught by a very ignorant person indeed:
(Constable)
%%
An aspiration is a joy forever, a possession as solid as a landed estate, a
fortune in which we can never exhaust and which gives us year by year a revenue
of pleasurable activity.
 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
%%
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with
 a producer.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
An ass thinks one thing, his rider another.
%%
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
%%
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
%%
Anates tuas in acie instrue.
%%
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
 -- John Buchan
%%
An atheist is but a mad ridiculous derider of piety; but a hypocrite
makes a sober jest of God and religion; he finds it easier to be
upon his knees than to rise to a good action.
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
An atheist is one hopes the Lord will do nothing to disturb his
disbelief.
 -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
An atheist is someone who has noone to talk to when they have an orgasm.
%%
An atheist's laugh 's a poor exchange
  For Deity offended!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Epistle to a Young Friend
%%
Anatidaephobia:  The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
%%
A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.
 -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
A nation may lose its liberties in a day and not miss them in a century.
 -- Baron de Montesquieu
%%
A nation never falls but by suicide.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men
purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan.
 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
A nation's advance as a civilized society can be properly guaged by the
 manner in which it treats the poor and the elderly - often the same people.
%%
A nation which does not remember what it was yesterday,
does not know what it is today, nor what it is trying to do.
We are trying to do a futile thing if we do not know where we
came from or what we have been about.
 -- Woodrow Wilson
%%
An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
%%
Anatomically Correct beats Politically Correct ANY DAY!
%%
Anatomy is destiny.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
An attorney starts his or her practice giving $500 worth of legal expertise
 for $ 5.00. In the passage of a small time all of this is remedied, and the
 attorney now gives $ 5.00 worth of legal expertise for $ 500. Time changes
 all of us.
%%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
%%
An Australian lover is like a wombat :- he eats roots, shoots, and leaves.
%%
An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with,
 insists on boring future generations.
 -- Charles de Montesquieu
%%
An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really
care to know.
%%
An authority knows lots of things you don't care ab out.
%%
An author ought to write for the youth of his own
generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of
ever afterwards.
 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%%
An author owned an asterisk
And kept it in his den
Where he wrote tales which had large sales
Of erring maids and men,
And always, when he reached the point
Where carping censors lurk,
He called upon the asterisk
To do his dirty work!
%%
An autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful.
 A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying, since
any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats.
 -- George Orwell
%%
An average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest
labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it
down till the average is three and a half...
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
%%
Anaxagoras said to a man who was grieving because he was dying in
a foreign land, "The descent to Hades is the same from every place."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Anaxagoras, vi
%%
An axe stroke makes a deep wound in your leg.
%%
Anaximander says that men were first produced in fishes, and when
they were grown up and able to help themselves were thrown up, and
so lived upon the land.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Symposiacs, Book viii, Question viii
%%
Anaximander used to assert that the primary cause of all things was
the Infinite,--not defining exactly whether he meant air or water
or anything else.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Anaximander, ii
%%
An axiom is a thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it.
%%
ANC: ANnoy Consultant
%%
Anchovies? You've got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER!   (click)
%%
Ancient Chinese Curse:
May all your wishes be granted.
%%
Ancient Chinese Curse:
May your life be filled with experiences.
%%
Ancient custom has the force of law.
%%
Ancient Greeks made dolphin-killing punishable by death.
%%
And 1st division Luton have haunted themselves with their own play.
%%
And Abner said to Joab, "Let the young men come forward and play before us."
Joab answered "Yes, let them."    So they came up one by one, and took their
places, twelve for Benjamin and Ishbosheth and twelve from David's men.
Each man seized his opponent by the head and thrust his sword into his
side; and thus they fell together.
 -- Samuel 2,2,14-16
%%
And a David Wallace to you too.
%%
And add to these retired Leisure,
That in trim gardens takes his pleasure.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 49
%%
And after all this time to find we're just like all the rest.
%%
And after all, what is a lie? 'T is but
  The truth in masquerade.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto xi, Stanza 37
%%
And after you do all that work:

An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses
two million tax returns and related documents annually.  One
employee said that when preparing for audits, he routinely requests
taxpayers' files from the state agencies because they are more
likely to have the documents.
%%
And again the game's turned round on it's head.
%%
And a great whirling and a bashing of keys arose
%%
And all Arabia breathes from yonder box.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto i, Line 134
%%
And all may do what has by man been done.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night vi, Line 606
%%
And all my days are trances,
And all my nightly dreams
Are where thy gray eye glances,
And where thy footstep gleams--
In what ethereal dances,
by what eternal streams.
 Edgar Allen Poe
%%
And all of the signs were right there on your face.
%%
And all should cry, Beware! Beware! / His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
 Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread,
 For he on honeydew hath fed, / And drunk the milk of Paradise.
 -- Kubla Khan, Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
And all the Borg left was this Amiga ...
%%
And all the Borg left was this Apple III.
%%
And all the Borg left was this copy of OS/2...
%%
And all the Borg left was this copy of System 7...
%%
And all the Borg left was this copy of Windows 3.0...
%%
And all the Borg left was this Tandy.
%%
And all the way, to guide their chime,
With falling oars they kept the time.
 -- Andrew Marvell (1620-1678)
 -- Bermudas
%%
And all to leave what with his toil he won
To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 169
%%
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but"
 -- Yechiam Yemini, 14 September 83
%%
And Archimedes, as he was washing, thought of a manner of computing
the proportion of gold in King Hiero's crown by seeing the water flowing
over the bathing-stool. He leaped up as one possessed or inspired,
crying, "I have found it! Eureka!"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Pleasure not attainable according to Epicurus, 11
%%
And art made tongue-tied by authority.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet lxvi
%%
And as an ev'ning dragon came,
Assailant on the perched roosts
And nests in order rang'd
Of tame villatic fowl.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Samson Agonistes, Line 1692
%%
"And as far as Burton directing goes..."
    "Oh, give it a rest."
 -- Siskel and Ebert beat on each over the directing choice for
 -- Batman, in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
%%
And, as I end the refrain, THRUST HOME!
%%
And, as in uffish thought he stood
 The Jabberwork, with eyes of flame
 Came wiffling through the tulgey wood
 And burbled as it came
 -- _Jabberwocky_, by Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson)
%%
And as she looked around, she saw how Death the consoler,
Laying his hand upon many a heart, had healed it forever.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Evangeline, Part ii
%%
And as the soldiers bore dead bodies by,
He called them untaught knaves, unmannerly,
To bring a slovenly unhandsome corse
Betwixt the wind and his nobility.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
And as we stand on the edge of darkness
 Let our chant fill the void
 That others may know
 In the land of the night
 The ship of the sun
 Is drawn by
 The grateful dead.
 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead" ca. 4000 BC.
%%
And as we wind on down the road, our shadow's taller than our soul.
%%
And away we go!
 -- Jackie Gleason
%%
And bear about the mockery of woe
To midnight dances and the public show.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- To the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady, Line 57
%%
And bear unmov'd the wrongs of base mankind,
The last and hardest conquest of the mind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiii, Line 353
%%
And beauty immortal awakes from the tomb.
 -- James Beattie (1735-1803)
 -- The Hermit
%%
And beauty, making beautiful old rhyme.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet cvi
%%
And because the breath of flowers is far sweeter in the air (where
it comes and goes, like the warbling of music) than in the hand, therefore
nothing is more fit for that delight than to know what be the flowers
and plants that do best perfume the air.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Gardens
%%
      ...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the
      typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for
      mercy.  At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress
      him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release
      over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness.
      Presently, I regained consciousness and realized with shame what
      I had done.  My shame is gone and now I am looking for a
      submissive typewriter, any color, or model.  No electric
      typewriters please!
 -- Rick Kleiner
%%
And before you get all happy, be informed that your
punishment does not include pain or sex
%%
And be these juggling fiends no more believ'd,
That palter with us in a double sense:
That keep the word of promise to our ear
And break it to our hope.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 8
%%
"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
%%
And binding Nature fast in fate,
  Left free the human will.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Universal Prayer, Stanza 3
%%
And both were young, and one was beautiful.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Dream, Stanza 2
%%
And Boy! are my arms tired!!
%%
And brought of mighty ale a large quart.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Milleres Tale, Line 3497
%%
And, BTW, to stay on topic merely post a bunch of taglines with any
%%
And can you teach me to how to dance real slow?
%%
And caught us running burned and blind, chasing something in the night.
%%
And Chaucer, with his infantine
Familiar clasp of things divine.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- A Vision of Poets
%%
And choose an author as you choose a friend.
 -- Earl of Roscommon (1633-1684)
 -- Essay on Translated Verse, Line 96
%%
And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
 forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
%%
And coxcombs vanquish Berkeley by a grin.
 -- John Brown (1715-1766)
 -- An Essay on Satire, occasioned by the Death of Mr. Pope
%%
"And cruelest of all, I've learned that the bucks
 in this criticism thing just aren't what they
 should be.  I figure if I'm not gonna make any
 jack in my chosen profession, the least I can do
 is vent my spleen.  My motto is VENT FOR THOSE WHO
 CAN'T."
 -- Ian Shoales
%%
And cute little baby dolphins DIE... Cool!
%%
And deal damnation round the land.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Universal Prayer, Stanza 7
%%
And Dickie Bird standing there with his neck between his shoulders.
%%
And did those feet, in ancient times,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the Holy Lamb of God
In England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spears!  O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I shall not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
 -- William H. Blake (1757-1827), "Jerusalem"
%%
And did you failure to notice it make it unwelcome?
 -- Grappler Zorn
%%
And die with decency.
 -- Thomas Otway (1651-1685)
 -- Venice Preserved, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
"And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug, and Charles
Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers, and a man
they called `Kierkegaard,' who just sat there biting the heads off
whippets."
 -- Monty Python
%%
And do as adversaries do in law,--
Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Taming of the Shrew
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
"...and Doc Holliday ends up in the front row of a Led Zeppelin concert..."
  "So THIS is hell."
 -- From HONKEYTONK SUE
%%
And don't confound the language of the nation
With long-tailed words in osity and ation.
 -- J. Hookham Frere (1769-1846)
 -- The Monks and the Giants, Canto i, Line 6
%%
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
%%
And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways, Yossarian continued
There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's
playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you
people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless,
conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a
Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm
and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was
running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed
old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world
did He ever create pain?
 -- Joseph Heller, Catch22
%%
And do you believe in rock and roll and music to save your mortal soul.
%%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
%%
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
 -- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)
%%
And duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed
That roots itself
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
And Einstein said:
   If Euclid failed to kindle your youthful enthusiasm, then you were
   not born to be a scientific thinker.
%%
Anderson is a common name but 'Chang' is much more common.
%%
And ever against eating cares
Lap me in soft Lydian airs,
Married to immortal verse,
Such as the meeting soul may pierce,
In notes with many a winding bout
Of linked sweetness long drawn out.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- L'Allegro, Line 135
%%
And ever has it been known that
love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
 -- Kahlil Gibran
%%
And ever since the Conquest have been fools.
 -- Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)
 -- Artemisia in the Town to Chloe in the Country
%%
And every eye
Gaz'd, as before some brother of the sky.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book viii, Line 17
%%
And every shepherd tells his tale
Under the hawthorn in the dale.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- L'Allegro, Line 67
%%
And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce.  Some have
a well-rounded view of operating systems, but for many there is only Unix.
 -- Gord Campbell, InfoAge editorial, Nov 84
%%
And fast by, hanging in a golden chain,
This pendent world, in bigness as a star
Of smallest magnitude, close by the moon.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 1051
%%
And fear breeds hatred, your majesty.   Fear is the greatest
 enemy of them all, for fear leads us to war.
 -- 3rd Doctor, FRONTIER IN SPACE
%%
And fear not to unfold your dark visions of torment.
%%
And feels a thousand deaths in fearing one.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night iv, Line 17
%%
And feel that I am happier than I know.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 282
%%
And finds, with keen, discriminating sight,
Black 's not so black,--nor white so very white.
 -- George Canning (1770-1827)
 -- New Morality
%%
And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and
the winds long to play with your hair.
 -- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
%%
"And for God's sake don't invest money in any
 brokerage firm in which one of the partners is
 named 'Frenchy'."
 -- Woody Allen
%%
And for just one look from your sad eyes, you had such pretty sad eyes.
%%
And for my next performance, a DOS application that LOOKS like Windows!
%%
And for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat.
%%
And for our country 't is a bliss to die.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xv, Line 583
%%
And for the few that only lend their ear,
That few is all the world.
 -- Samuel Daniel (1562-1619)
 -- Musophilus, Stanza 97
%%
And for those concerned about children growing up in poverty, we should
know this: marriage is probably the best anti-poverty program of all.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the
 -- Commonwealth Club of San Francisco, 5/19/92
%%
And for those really TOUGH jobs, try "Shaman in a Drum."
%%
And for to see, and eek for to be seie.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Wif of Bathes Prologue, Line 6134
%%
And friend received with thumps upon the back.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Universal Passion
%%
  And from his ashes may be made
The violet of his native land.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xviii, Stanza 1
%%
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
%%
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
And gentle Dulness ever loves a joke.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book ii, Line 34
%%
"And given this topology [the mobius strip] we can move on what is known
 as an orientation-reversing path.  We cannot do this in our normal
 three-space topology, except via those paths which pass through San
 Francisco or Greenwich Village."
 -- A Math Prof. teaching topology
%%
And give to dust that is a little gilt
More laud than gilt o'er-dusted.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Troilus and Cressida
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
And gladly wolde he lerne, and gladly teche.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 310
%%
And God looked down and saw that the land and the people were bad. If he
 didn't look down so much, maybe things would pick up.
 -- David Steinberg
%%
And God said, behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon
the face of the earth... to you it shall be for meat.
 -- Genesis 1:29
%%
And God said: "E=MC^2" and there was light....
%%
And God said: "I'll buy a vowel."
%%
And God said: "Let there be cats!" and He was promptly ignored.
%%
And God said: "Let there be light", and there was
light.  And everyone said, "Hey, cool!  Do You do parties?"
%%
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis i, 3
%%
And God said: "Let there be light, but make it quick."
%%
And God said: <Maxwell's equations>...and then there
was light!
%%
"And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and God said, It JUST goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish.
With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken BILLIONS OF YEARS."
 -- NOT THE BIBLE, Chapter 1, Verse 23
 -- Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly
%%
And God typed
M-x let-there-be-light.
%%
And grace that won who saw to wish her stay.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 43
%%
And grasps the skirts of happy chance,
And breasts the blows of circumstance.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, lxiv, Stanza 2
%%
And had a face like a blessing.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book ii, Chap. iv
%%
And have buttered scones for tea.
%%
And having looked to Government for bread, on the very first scarcity
they will turn and bite the hand that fed them.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France,
 -- Thoughts and Details on Scarcity, Vol. v, p. 156
%%
And heaven had wanted one immortal song.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 197
%%
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
%%
And he gave it for his opinion, that whoever could make two ears of
corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where
only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more
essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians
put together.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Gulliver's Travels, Part ii, Chap. vii, Voyage to Brobdingnag
%%
And he had a job, and he wore a hat, and he brought home the bacon so
that noone knew.
%%
And hence one master-passion in the breast,
Like Aaron's serpent, swallows up the rest.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 131
%%
And here I stand; judge, my masters.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going thru all of these things twice
 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
%%
And here, over the portals of my fort, I shall cut in the stone
the word which is to be my beacon and my banner.  The word which
will not die, should we all perish in battle.  The word which
can never die on this earth, for it is the heart of it and the
meaning and the glory.

The sacred word:

                E G O
 -- Equality 7-2521
%%
And here, poor fool, with all my lore
I stand no wiser than before.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
And here's another clue for you all:  The walrus was Paul.
%%
 (And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the
 caller:  Record someone's answering machine message as you hear
 it, and then play it back to them as your message to them.
 Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
And here you thought your money was going to waste. Well, a Federal Appeals
 Court has ordered the FDA to determine whether drugs proposed for Lethal
 Injection executions are "safe and effective!"
%%
And her face so fair
Stirr'd with her dream, as rose-leaves with the air.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iv, Stanza 29
%%
And he that does one fault at first
  And lies to hide it, makes it two.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xv
%%
And He that doth the ravens feed,
Yea, providently caters for the sparrow,
Be comfort to my age!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
And he that gives us in these days
New Lords may give us new laws.
 -- George Wither (1588-1667)
 -- Contented Man's Morrice
%%
And he that stands upon a slippery place
Makes nice of no vile hold to stay him up.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
And he that will to bed go sober
Falls with the leaf still in October.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- The Bloody Brother, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
And hie him home, at evening's close,
To sweet repast and calm repose.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Ode on the Pleasure arising from Vicissitude, Line 87
%%
"...AND his God Damned CAT!!!"
 -- "AMERICAN FLAGG!"
%%
"....and his hideous clockwork dog, Toto...."
 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%%
And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
%%
And hold one another's noses to the grindstone hard.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 1, Memb. 3
%%
And how do professional wizards cope with stress?
Stress? The real wizard doesn't even recognize the meaning of the word.
Why are you still asking me questions? Can't you see I'm busy? This spell is
two days overdue! You're sitting on my reference books!
 -- "A Conversation with Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in
 -- the Western Kingdoms," Wizard's Quarterly, Vol. 4, No. 4 (Spring)
%%
"'And how do you do your job, then, if you don't exist?'
 'By will power,' said Agilulf, 'and faith in our cause.'
 'Oh yes, yes, well said, that is how one does one's duty.
  Well, for someone who doesn't exist, you seem in fine
  form.'"
 -- Italo Calvino, "The Nonexistent Knight"
%%
And how do you spell RELIEF, *Smith*&*Wesson*
%%
And how long have you had this lifelong ambition?
%%
"And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" said Alice, in a hurry to change
the subject.
"Ten hours the first day," said the Mock Turtle: "nine the next, and so on."
"What a curious plan!" exclaimed Alice.
"That's the reason they're called lessons," the Gryphon remarked: "because
they lessen from day to day."
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
And how should I know your true love
  From many another one?
Oh, by his cockle hat and staff,
  And by his sandal shoone.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- The Friar of Orders Gray
%%
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
%%
And I always thought Bonapetite was a small..
%%
And I am C-Danny, human cyborg relations.
%%
And I am unanimous in this!
%%
... and I asked for forgiveness but I don't know just what I'm asking it
for.
%%
And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was,
how much was mine to keep.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%%
"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us."
 -- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
%%
And I can strongly recommend...
(finishing his sentence)...a course of leeches. Oh, just pop a couple
  down my codpiece before I go to bed...
 -- Doctor and Edmund : Bells
%%
And if He closes before you
all passes and all ways
He'll show you a hidden pathway
which no one yet has known.
 -- Maulana Rumi
%%
And if he runs away, he won't be hard to catch.
 -- Bart about the greyhound, Santa's Little Helper, Homer
 -- brought home in "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire"
%%
And if his name be George, I 'll call him Peter;
For new-made honour doth forget men's names.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
And if I come again I will receive you unto myself!
%%
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done..
%%
And if I laugh at any mortal thing,
'T is that I may not weep.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iv, Stanza 4
%%
And if Iraqs primary export was broccoli?
%%
And if I said a year ago that these [social] programs weren't working,
perhaps I have been vindicated.
 -- President George Bush, on how Lyndon Johnson was to blame for the LA riots
%%
And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
%%
And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
"Who kilt thee?," tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
%%
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
%%
And if the orbit were a flow line, we would go right into the sun. Luckily,
Newton put in a second prime.
 -- Prof. J. P. Solovej, Princeton math department
%%
And if there is promise of a storm, if you want change in your
life, walk in to it.  If you get on the other side, you will
be different.  And if you want change in your life and you are
avoiding the trouble, you can forget it.
%%
And if we do but watch the hour,
There never yet was human power
Which could evade, if unforgiven,
The patient search and vigil long
Of him who treasures up a wrong.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Mazeppa, Stanza 10
%%
And if we tell you the name of the game, boy,
 we call it 'Riding the Gravy Train'
%%
And if you believe that, I've got a great used car to show you.
%%
And if you believe that, I've got some land down in Florida...
%%
And if you believe that one, I have a cheap IBM mini to sell you
 -- The sales man
%%
And if you come back with information, Captain Darling will pump
  you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
...Not while I've got my strength he won't.
 -- Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
"And if You exist, why do you let your Evil churchs exist????"
 -- Michael S. Schechter
"Maybe because He is a libertarian?"
 -- Mike Van Pelt
%%
And if you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in
the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress.
 -- Basil Fawlty, Mrs. Richards
%%
And if you're lonely in your nightmare, let me in.
 -- Duran Duran
%%
'And if you've just tuned in, we're talking about the red-hot,
 tight-buttocked, hairy host of Hell.'
 -- The Church Lady
%%
...and I get on my knees and pray we don't get fooled again.
 -- Pete Townshend
%%
And I have loved thee, Ocean! and my joy
Of youthful sports was on thy breast to be
Borne, like thy bubbles, onward; from a boy.
I wantoned with thy breakers,
     .     .     .     .     .
And trusted to thy billows far and near,
And laid my hand upon thy mane,--as I do here.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 184
%%
And I have written three books on the soul,
Proving absurd all written hitherto,
And putting us to ignorance again.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Cleon
%%
And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"
 -- "Outsiders" comic
%%
And I'll do you one better if you've got the nerve,
I'll race you all the way to deadman's curve.
%%
And I'll try not to sing out of key...
%%
"And I'm a respected psychiatrist!"
 -- Frasier Crane discussing homicidal tendencies towards Diane, to Sam
 -- CHEERS
%%
And I'm your tour guide.
%%
And inasmuch as feeling, the East's gift,
Is quick and transient,--comes, and lo! is gone,
While Northern thought is slow and durable.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Luria, Act, v
%%
And in a strange turn of events, the cat was electrocuted.
%%
And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder-
  braid, stand on a bucket, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by.
 -- Edmund to Queenie : Head
%%
And in the cool of the night, they reach for a moment and try to make an
honest stand, but they wind up wounded and not even dead, tonight in
jungleland.
%%
And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's
the life in your years.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
 -- Paul McCartney
%%
And in the master's chambers, they gather for big feast.
 They stab it with their steely knives,
 but they just can't kill the beast.
 -- Don Henley
%%
And in the news: Check out the next message.
%%
And in the sky, a 1500 pound ox appeared over my head, as a halo might.
Oh well. Crunch.
%%
And in your dreams you can see yourself
As a prophet saving the world
The words from your lips
I just can't believe you are such
A fool.
 -- Frank Zappa, "Oh No".
%%
And I oft have heard defended,--
Little said is soonest mended.
 -- George Wither (1588-1667)
 -- The Shepherd's Hunting
%%
And I raise my head and stare into the eyes of a stranger.
%%
... and I realized that I didn't belong there anymore.
%%
"... and I realized, we did not live in a scientific society."
 -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988), "Cargo cult science"
%%
And I remember I'd, I remember back then I'd, I'd drive all night, I
swore I'd drive all night, just to buy you some shoes, and to taste, and
to taste your tender charm.
%%
And I smiled to think God's greatness flowed around our incompleteness,
  Round our restlessness His rest.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- Rhyme of the Duchess
%%
And is there care in Heaven? And is there love
In heavenly spirits to these Creatures bace?
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book ii, Canto viii, St. 1
%%
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big ones.
The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The little
things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about them, aren't
braced against them.
 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
%%
And I swear, every word is true!
%%
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible
 were used to beat plowshares into swords...
 -- Alan Watts
%%
And it does matter.  An honest man or woman is an honest man or woman more
because he or she is honest in the small, everyday things that "don't matter"
individually, but which make up a well-lived life, than because of some single
great temptation that was passed.  A person who is concerned about individual
rights or about individual dignity makes his or her difference not because of
any sweeping great statement or action, but because of the accretion of small,
individually seemingly insignificant acts that spread that dignity and confirm
those rights through every action they take.  It matters because every action
you take, and every action I take is an expression of the human spirit.
 -- William Oliver ([e-mail])
%%
 And I tell you, if you have the desire for knowledge and the
power to give it physical expression, go out and explore.  If you are a
brave man, you will do nothing: if you are fearful you may do much, for
none but cowards have the need to prove their bravery.  Some will tell
you that you are mad, and nearly all will say, 'What is the use?'  For
we are a nation of shopkeepers, and no shopkeeper will look at research
which will not promise him a financial return within a year.  And so you
will sledge nearly alone, but those with whom you sledge will not be
shopkeepers: that is worth a good deal.
 -- Apsley Cherry-Garrard, 1922
%%
AND, it frees my palm to do other things!
%%
And I thought a "hard drive" was driving through Georgia.
%%
And I thought computers where supposed to make our lives easier!
%%
And I though this was going to be simple....
%%
And I thought *I* had problems!
%%
And I thought liberals SUPPORTED free speech?!?
%%
...And I thought phrenology with a ball-peen hammer was
a dying art!
%%
And I thought the Borg were bad . . .
%%
And I thought these things smelled bad on the outside.
 -- Han Solo (Star Wars)
%%
..and it's finished!  It only has to be written."
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
And it shall some to pass that idiots shall roam the earth,
 and morons shall rule the masses.
%%
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what
the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
 -- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation
%%
And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.   Just
 because there are a few hundred other people sharing your lunacy with you
 does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?
 -- Oleg Kiselev,[e-mail]
%%
And it's readily apparent that...
%%
And it's so portable -- at least, it worked on every VAX that I tried it on.
 -- Tim McDaniel ([e-mail]) 6 Sep 90,
 -- <[e-mail]>
%%
And ITT begat Hostess, and Hostess begat Morton, and Morton begat
Stuckey's and Stuckey's begat Beatrice, and Beatrice begat Little
Debbie.  And Beatrice did leave Little Debbie with Hostess and go
forth into the wastelands looking for a good spot at a truck stop.
And Beatrice then did go a few miles north from the wastelands and
did settle in Nebraska, never to return to Norman, Oklahoma.
 -- Endust 12, 7-10
%%
And it was a very good book of Rasputin's involvement in that, which shows
how people that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle gives his opinion of the book
 -- "Nicholas, and Alexandra," to Hendrick Hertzberg of the
 -- New Republic, 9/28/88 (reported in Savvy Woman, 1/89, p. 56)
%%
...and it would be okay on any other day.
 -- Stewart Copeland
%%
And I've been searching for something taken out of my soul...
%%
And I've got 4,567 archived messages to prove it.
%%
"...And I want a new car... And I want the city to pay for it all!"
  "What kind of a car, Miller?"
"Something with reclining leather seats that goes really fast and gets
 really shitty gas mileage."
 -- Frustrated city official from ROBOCOP
%%
And I will instruct you on Enterprise etiquette.
 -- Worf to Mendon, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
And I will love him and pet him and stroke him and squeeze him..
%%
And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- The Passionate Shepherd to his Love
%%
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of
 the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of
 the context of our very selfhood revealed."
 And Jesus replied, "What?"
%%
And join with thee calm Peace and Quiet,
Spare Fast, that oft with gods doth diet.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 45
%%
And just how DOES a paperweight work?
%%
And just how far would Moses have gone, if he had taken a poll in Egypt
 before he started anything?
%%
And just What are you planning to DO with that Ferret?!?
%%
And Katerfelto, with his hair on end
At his own wonders, wondering for his bread.
'T is pleasant, through the loopholes of retreat,
To peep at such a world,--to see the stir
Of the great Babel, and not feel the crowd.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iv, The Winter Evening, Line 86
%%
And keeps the palace of the soul.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- Of Tea
%%
"...and Keller is schedule to be executed on
 Friday...  I guess he won't be around, then, for
 the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday!"
 -- A newscaster on CHEERS
%%
And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
 If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
 basement:
     1)   Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
   head with an axe!
    2)   Flee the premises... even if you're in your
   underwear.
    3)   Warn the neighbors and call the police.
 But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!
 -- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th
%%
And kind as kings upon their coronation day.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Hind and the Panther, Part i, Line 271
%%
And later on in the show, we'll be hearing from the inventor of car
alarms. We won't actually be talking to him in the studio, but we'll
ring him up ... at three o'clock in the morning ... and go "Wee ooo
wee ooo wee ooo wee ooo" in his ear very loudly.

And then we're going to wait five minutes and do it again.
%%
And let me tell you, the people that I met, whether it was in Honduras
or Jamaica, obviously, Panama, just people on the street, not one time
did I get a negative response about the United States. As a matter of
fact, I didn't even get a, you know, a real thumbs down or the
raspberries as you drove by, a better reception, quite frankly, in a
couple of cities there than you might even get in -- here at home.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
And let me wring your heart; for so I shall,
If it be made of penetrable stuff.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
And like a dew-drop from the lion's mane,
Be shook to air.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Troilus and Cressida
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
And, like another Helen, fir'd another Troy.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Alexander's Feast, Line 154
%%
And like a passing thought, she fled
        In light away.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Vision
%%
And live like Nature's bastards, not her sons.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 727
%%
  And lives to clutch the golden keys,
  To mould a mighty state's decrees,
And shape the whisper of the throne.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, lxiv, Stanza 3
%%
... and living was just a way of passing time until he died.
 -- Hamish Sankov
%%
And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
 -- Leigh Hunt (1784-1859)
 -- Abou Ben Adhem
%%
"And look... don't threaten the customers. They don't eat as much."
  "I'll keep it in mind."
 -- Jezebel Jade comments on American service organizations, in JONNY QUEST
%%
And looks commercing with the skies,
Thy rapt soul sitting in thine eyes.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 39
%%
And Losira appeared and said, I am for you, man.
%%
And love is sometimes violent
 And violence has no constraint
 -- Swans "The Golden Boy who was Swallowed by the Sea"
%%
And lovelier things have mercy shown
To every failing but their own;
And every woe a tear can claim,
Except an erring sister's shame.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Giaour, Line 418
%%
And love the offender, yet detest the offence.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Eloisa to Abelard, Line 192
%%
And lucent syrops, tinct with cinnamon.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- The Eve of St. Agnes, Stanza 30
%%
And make each day a critic on the last.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part iii, Line 12
%%
And make my seated heart knock at my ribs,
Against the use of nature. Present fears
Are less than horrible imaginings.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
And make them spend it on life.
%%
And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man
 -- A. E. Housman
%%
And Man said: 'Let there be God,' and there was God!
%%
And many a holy text around she strews,
  That teach the rustic moralist to die.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 21
%%
And many strokes, though with a little axe,
Hew down and fell the hardest-timbered oak.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
And Marlowe, Webster, Fletcher, Ben,
Whose fire-hearts sowed our furrows when
The world was worthy of such men.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- A Vision of Poets
%%
... And may God bless Chocolate City and its vanilla suburbs.
 -- George Clinton in Parliament's "Chocolate City"
%%
And may you better reck the rede,
  Than ever did the adviser!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Epistle to a Young Friend
%%
And Mecca saddens at the long delay.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Summer, Line 979
%%
And men sit down to that nourishment which is called supper.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
And microbrain. Growl for me. Let me know you still care.
 -- Q to Worf, "Q-Who?", stardate 42761.3
%%
And mistress of herself though china fall.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle ii, Line 268
%%
And Moby Dick for king!
%%
And moody madness laughing wild
Amid severest woe.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- On a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Stanza 8
%%
And Muller beats Riendeau like a rented mule.
%%
And muse on Nature with a poet's eye.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Pleasures of Hope, Part ii, Line 98
%%
And my imaginations are as foul
As Vulcan's stithy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
And my large kingdom for a little grave,
A little little grave, an obscure grave.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
  Shall be lifted--Nevermore!
 -- Edgar A. Poe (1809-1849)
 -- The Raven
%%
And my special thanks to the Other Forty-Nine.
%%
And never, ever cut a deal with a dragon.
%%
And never, never try to milk a bull!
%%
And new civilizations.  To boldly split infinitives!
%%
And new-laid eggs, which Baucis' busy care
Turn'd by a gentle fire and roasted rare.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Ovid, Metamorphoses, Book viii, Baucis and Philemon, Line 97
%%
And, no, I don't know what they will do to you if you contact them.
%%
And no one else wanted to play.
%%
...And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in
religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except
fanatics and the naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in
our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will
not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each
other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody
record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore
to the sword.  My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of
belief, not knowledge.   My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact
that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.
But even well-educated Christians are frustrated in their thirst for
certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniable
ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity is not apparent to
children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly
aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure
such reality.
 -- Steve Allen, comedian, from an essay in the book
 -- "The Courage of Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%%
And not a man appears to tell their fate.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book x, Line 308
%%
And not from Nature up to Nature's God,
But down from Nature's God look Nature through.
 -- Robert Montgomery (1807-1855)
 -- Luther, A Landscape of Domestic Life
%%
And not having the most discriminating tastes, gleefully eats it.
%%
And nothing can we call our own but death
And that small model of the barren earth
Which serves as paste and cover to our bones.
For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground
And tell sad stories of the death of kings.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
And not to serve for a table-talk.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. iii, The Custom of the Isle of Cea
%%
And now abideth faith, hope and charity, these three; but the greatest
of these is charity.
 -- I Corinthians, 13:13
%%
And now, a brief pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
%%
And now a few words from Lyle about the Remington 1100
%%
And now am I, if a man should speak truly, little better than one
of the wicked.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
AND NOW ANOTHER WORD FROM THE PENTAGON
Oh, and by the way... about those 45,000 body-bags we had shipped to
Saudi Arabia. They're actually going to be used to smuggle booze
in to our troops; otherwise we couldn't get it to them. Honest.
We're not really sure what we'll carry back in them though. Any ideas?
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
And now, a personal request, sir. Permission to clean up the bridge.
 -- Lt. Worf to Picard about Q, "Encounter at Farpoint", stardate 41153.7
%%
AND NOW A QUICK COMPUTER JOKE
" Life's a batch, then you DIR "
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
AND NOW A REPORT ON THE SNAIL TOLL
The snail toll this year has risen to 382,272; more than 20,000 higher
than this time last year. Experts from the RSPCA accident research unit
and "Gardening Australia" say that if little more rain is present for the
rest of the year, the year's toll may be no higher than last year's
total.
    Joe Wheelbarrow, RSPCA spokesman said "It's a matter of public
education. These snails must be taught not to go out onto the paths of
this city straight after rain, only to be squashed flat by a drunk in
charge of a shoe."
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
And now a word from the NULL device.
%%
AND NOW A WORD FROM THE PENTAGON
To all those sissy wimps who don't want a war - remember what we're
talking about here! What about all the oil we won't be able to
pollute the atmosphere with if we don't liberate Kuwait? What about
all the money people will make selling guns, bullets and planes?
If we don't attack, the stock-market might crash again. And we won't
be able to re-install the royal family of Kuwait. Dammit, they are
VERY rich!
Honestly, you pacifists are all the same, always thinking about the
human lives lost - what about the dollars and the oil?
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
And now a word from Tonya about the Popeal tire iron.
%%
And now, a word from Wall Street:  "HELP!"
%%
And now, back to our regularly scheduled topic...
%%
And now, Bob, the fun begins.
%%
And now, Crime-stoppers, let's repeat the "Crime-stopper's Oath"...
%%
And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.
%%
AND NOW FOR MORE BLACK COMEDY.
Hullo dere! Dis is de Rasta-News! Dah Prime Minister today went down da
beach cruisin' man. He had himself a real mellow time... [Was this just an
excuse to run the Jive program? Probably not. But it sure looks dat way.]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
And now for my address: King Yakko, Care ofthe Castle, Anvilania 90210
%%
And now for some feedback:  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
%%
And now for something completely different!
%%
And now for something completely different.
A man with 3 buttocks.
%%
And now for something completely ridiculous...
%%
And now for something completely the same...
%%
And Now for something Really Amazing! - Bullwinkle
%%
And now for something ruder...
%%
And now for something we hope you'll really like.
%%
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...there it goes...
%%
And now for the weather, which is every bit as yucky as the news.
%%
AND NOW, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR SMILEYS             :-)
  - Well known smiley personality Guy Smiley (see artist's impression,
above) of Sesame Street fame has been arrested on obscenities charges.
  - A network committee will look into the recently high population growth of
smileys on Internet. They will in particular be looking at the high migration
of smileys into NetNews, and the alarming incidence of homeless smileys in
rec.humor.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
And now here's Father Raymond Brennan - a priest who has been literally
 a father to hundreds of children.
%%
And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest
 in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first---an
 attempted suicide.
 -- Chris Hubbock, who shot herself during a broadcast
%%
And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth,
this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god
who will grant them joy and peace and pride.

This god, this one word:
'I'
 -- Equality 7-2521
%%
And now I spill myself another drink...
%%
And now, let's get right to tonight's
 feature presentation of 'Bambi vs. Godzilla'
%%
And now, let the fun begin.
%%
And now, let the hockey game begin.
%%
"And now, Little Bobby Pootwaddle will read last month's contest
winner."
"Last month's question --
    `In 1000 words or less, describe how
    Amy Sue Sturdfetzer looked much older than 12.'"
 -- The Cowboy Wally Show
%%
And now, Lorena Bobbitt for the Papule Pocket Friend.
%%
And now, More music and Les Nessman
%%
And now my brother, I will be... KING
 -- Arthur to Kay, "Excaliber", movie
%%
And now, on with the show!
%%
And now someone's on the telephone desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
 -- the Indigo Girls, Prince Of Darkness
%%
And now that the legislators and the do-gooders have so futilely inflicted so
 many systems upon society, may they end up where they should have begun: may
 they reject all systems, and try liberty...
 -- Frederic Bastiat
%%
And now, the Bing Crosby show,
 brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
 ...a brief pause, and then Bing !!
%%
And now the final score:  Deep Space 9, Babylon 5.
%%
And now we return you to your (ir)regular conference.
%%
And now, we will discuss the location of the Rebel base.
%%
And now, young Skywalker...you will die....
 -- yet another Imperial character with ambitions - (Star Wars)
%%
And Odelein crunches Iafrate into the glass!
%%
And o'er the hills, and far away
  Beyond their utmost purple rim,
Beyond the night, across the day,
  Thro' all the world she follow'd him.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Day-Dream, The Departure, iv
%%
And o'er them the lighthouse looked lovely as hope,--
  That star of life's tremulous ocean.
 -- Paul Moon James (1780-1854)
 -- The Beacon
%%
And o'er the past Oblivion stretch her wing.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xxiv, Line 557
%%
And of course Henry the Horse dances the waltz!
%%
And of course, No soap, radio.
%%
And, of course, when the people find out you've burnt Doctor Johnson's
  dictionary, they may go around saying, 'Look, there's Thick George
  ...he's got a brain the size of a weasels wedding tackle'.
 -- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
%%
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead
 by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business
 product: a really sharp-looking report.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
And of his port as meke as is a mayde.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 69
%%
And often did beguile her of her tears,
When I did speak of some distressful stroke
That my youth suffer'd. My story being done,
She gave me for my pains a world of sighs;
She swore, in faith, 't was strange, 't was passing strange,
'T was pitiful, 't was wondrous pitiful;
She wish'd she had not heard it, yet she wish'd
That Heaven had made her such a man; she thank'd me,
And bade me, if I had a friend that loved her,
I should but teach him how to tell my story,
And that would woo her. Upon this hint I spake:
She loved me for the dangers I had pass'd,
And I loved her that she did pity them.
This only is the witchcraft I have used.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
... and oftener changed their principles than their shirts.
 -- Dr. Young
%%
And oftentimes, excusing of a fault,
Doth make a fault the worse by the excuse;
As patches set upon a little breach,
Discredit more in hiding of the fault,
Than did the fault before it was so patch'd.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
And oftentimes, to win us to our harm,
The instruments of darkness tell us truths,
Win us with honest trifles, to betray 's
In deepest consequence.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
And oft, though wisdom wake, suspicion sleeps
At wisdom's gate, and to simplicity
Resigns her charge, while goodness thinks no ill
Where no ill seems.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iii, Line 686
%%
And oh if there be an Elysium on earth,
It is this, it is this!
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Light of the Harem
%%
And one day we will master the art of karate and we will rise up and
make the buggers eyes water.
%%
And one ring to moderat... err... rule them all.
%%
And on her lover's arm she leant,
  And round her waist she felt it fold,
And far across the hills they went
  In that new world which is the old.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Day-Dream, The Departure, i
%%
And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work.
 -- Rimmer.
%%
And on the 8th day, God said, "Ok, Murphy, you're in charge!"
%%
And on the 8th day, God switched to OLX 2.2 !
%%
And on the 8th day Man, unable to cope, discovered drugs.
%%
And on the seventh day, God said, "It's Miller time!"
%%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%%
And on the seventh day, He took an aspirin.
%%
And on the seventh day, while He was resting, He created snack
cakes.  And He saw that they looked good, and He did bite into one,
at which time he realized that they tasted like something that had
been sitting on a shelf wrapped in cheap plastic for decades.  He had
too much goop on His fingers to blast them into the void from which
they had come, and therefore He drove them out until they had left
the Promised Land and were stuck in a cheap, tacky display on the end
of the aisle.
 -- Haagendasz 3, 12-15
%%
And on the Tree of Life,
The middle tree and highest there that grew,
Sat like a cormorant.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 194
%%
Andorian Ambassador: "Devote yourself to motivations of passion."
 -- "Journey To Babel", Stardate 3842.3.
%%
And out of good still to find means of evil.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 165
%%
And out of mind as soon as out of sight.
 -- Lord Brooke (1554-1628)
 -- Sonnet lvi
%%
And over them triumphant Death his dart
Shook, but delay'd to strike, though oft invok'd.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book xi, Line 491
%%
And pines with thirst amidst a sea of waves.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xi, Line 722
%%
And, pleased the Almighty's orders to perform,
Rides in the whirlwind and directs the storm.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- The Campaign, Line 291
%%
And, pray tell, whose imagination are you a figment of?
%%
And proud his mistress' order to perform,
Rides in the whirlwind and directs the storm.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book iii, Line 263
%%
And put
My clouted brogues from off my feet.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
And puts himself upon his good behaviour.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto v, Stanza 47
%%
And rail'd on Lady Fortune in good terms,
In good set terms.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
And raw in fields the rude militia swarms,
Mouths without hands; maintain'd at vast expense,
In peace a charge, in war a weak defence;
Stout once a month they march, a blustering band,
And ever but in times of need at hand.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Cymon and Iphigenia, Line 400
%%
And reads, though running,
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, First Week, First Day
%%
Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
Galileo: No, unhappy the land that needs heroes.
 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
%%
And remember, a day without sunshine is like...night!
 -- Steve Martin
%%
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."
 -- One of the two funny jokes in SPACEBALLS
%%
And remember....If you can't beat it......Maybe she will!
%%
And remember kids, DON'T try this at home, do it at school!!
%%
And remember, let's do it to them before they do it to us.
%%
And remember - "Oprah" spelled backwards is "Harpo."
%%
And remember, rebooting your brain can be tricky.
 -- Eric Townsend (erict@flatline)
%%
And remember, the early bird who hesitates ... gets wormed!
%%
     ...and remember you're a Man, not just god, and for you there aren't
       and never will be any easy answers, only questions, and no reasons,
      only causes, and no meaning, only intelligence, and no destination
      and no kindly magic smiling down from above, and no fires to goad you
      from below, only Yourself and the Universe and what you make out of
      the interface between the two equals.
 -- Keith Laumer, _Night of Delusions_
%%
And rest at last where souls unbodied dwell,
In ever-flowing meads of Asphodel.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xxiv, Line 19
%%
Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of
them gold.
 -- Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
%%
Andrew is the operating system of the future and always will be.
 -- Mary R. Thompson
%%
Andrew Jackson was the only U.S. President to believe that the world is flat.
%%
And rival all but Shakespeare's name below.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Pleasures of Hope, Part i, Line 472
%%
Andromache! my soul's far better part.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book vi, Line 624
%%
ANDROPHOBIA:
  Fear of men.
%%
And rustic life and poverty
Grow beautiful beneath his touch.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Ode to the Memory of Burns
%%
And Satan trembles when he sees
The weakest saint upon his knees.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Exhortation to Prayer
%%
And science, we should insist, better than any other discipline,
can hold up to its students and followers an ideal of patient devotion
to the search for objective truth, with vision unclouded by personal
or political motive.
 -- Sir Henry Hallett Dalt
%%
And seem to walk on wings, and tread in air.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xiii, Line 106
%%
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
And she had a bath once a year .....whether she needed it or not.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
... and she's buying a stairway to Heaven.
 -- Led Zeppelin
%%
And... she was wearing this sexy freudian-slip...
%%
And shun the frumious Bandersnatch.
%%
And sighs to find them in the wood and by the stream no more.
 -- William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)
 -- The Death of the Flowers
%%
And simple truth miscall'd simplicity,
And captive good attending captain ill.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet lxvi
%%
And since, I never dare to write
  As funny as I can.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Height of the Ridiculous
%%
...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin,
the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.
 -- Doonesbury
%%
And sleep in dull cold marble.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
And smale foules maken melodie,
That slepen alle night with open eye,
So priketh hem nature in hir corages;
Than longen folk to gon on pilgrimages.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 9
%%
And smooth as monumental alabaster.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
...and so castles made of sand slip into the sea eventually.
 -- Jimi Hendrix
%%
"...and so -- for weeks after -- you won't be able
 to swing a dead CAT in Jerusalem without hitting
 someone descended from the house of David...
 anointed by a close relative... riding into town
 on a donkey."
 -- The tantalizing tail end of the Judge's soliloquy, from CEREBUS
%%
And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe,
And then from hour to hour we rot and rot;
And thereby hangs a tale.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
And so I penned
It down, until at last it came to be,
For length and breadth, the bigness which you see.
 -- John Bunyan (1628-1688)
 -- Pilgrim's Progress, Apology for his Book
%%
And so it begins that some things last forever...
%%
And so it ends?
%%
And so it goes!
%%
And so it was, later, as the miller told his tale,
 that her face, at first just ghostly,
 turned a whiter shade of pale.
 -- Procol Harum
%%
And so I will live to see another sunset.
 -- Speaker-to-Animals "Ringworld"
%%
And some fell upon stony ground and had no THC at all.
%%
And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One
approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode.  So this
procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
Orson Welles.
 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%%
And some other's that i saw on some e-mail chain letter deal.  these
highlight the similarities between the king and jesus.
 -- Elvis
%%
...and sometimes a piercer drops by.
%%
And sometimes the bear eats you.
%%
And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country.
 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963), Inaugural Address, 20 January 1961
%%
And so on to the end of the chapter.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book v, Chap. x
%%
And so sepulchred in such pomp dost lie,
That kings for such a tomb would wish to die.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Epitaph on Shakespeare
%%
'And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a
 counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor.'
 -- Carl Rigney
%%
And so to bed.
%%
And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.
%%
And so with vorpal sword in hand
%%
And statesmen at her council met
  Who knew the seasons, when to take
  Occasion by the hand, and make
The bounds of freedom wider yet.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- To the Queen
%%
And step by step, since time began,
I see the steady gain of man.
 -- John G. Whittier (1807-1892)
 -- The Chapel of the Hermits
%%
"And stop referring to dinner as `the recent unpleasantness'."
 -- The Lockhorns
%%
And storied windows richly dight,
Casting a dim religious light.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 159
%%
And stretched metre of an antique song.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet xvii
%%
And strictly meditate the thankless Muse.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 66
%%
And swans seem whiter if swart crowes be by.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, First Week, First Day
%%
And sweeten'd every musk-rose of the dale.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 496
%%
And take the new Buskirk cars. The ad says they're now rolling off the
 assembly line. If they could keep them on the assembly line they'd have a
 better car.
 -- Henry Morgan
%%
And taste
The melancholy joy of evils past:
For he who much has suffer'd, much will know.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xv, Line 434
%%
And telling me, the sovereign'st thing on earth
Was parmaceti for an inward bruise;
And that it was great pity, so it was,
This villanous saltpetre should be digg'd
Out of the bowels of the harmless earth,
Which many a good tall fellow had destroy'd
So cowardly; and but for these vile guns,
He would himself have been a soldier.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
And thank you for the child taglines.
%%
And That alone is.
%%
And that angered you did it: "seized my vessel, seized my vessel"...
These are the complaints of a closed mind to accustomed to
military priviledges.
 -- Q, "Hide & Q," stardate 41590.5.
%%
And that clueless people will stop posting personals to ASB.
%%
And that dismal cry rose slowly
  And sank slowly through the air,
Full of spirit's melancholy
  And eternity's despair;
And they heard the words it said,--
"Pan is dead! great Pan is dead!
      Pan, Pan is dead!"
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- The Dead Pan
%%
And that frog has very bad breath too.
%%
And that, in a breadbasket, is production control.
%%
And that inverted Bowl they call the Sky,
Whereunder crawling coop'd we live and die,
Lift not your hands to It for help - for It
As impotently rolls as you or I.
 -- Omar Khayyam/Edward Fitzgerald, The Rubaiyat
%%
And that one hunting, which the Devil design'd
For one fair female, lost him half the kind.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Theodore and Honoria, Line 227
%%
And that's another goal for the Long John Silver Impersonators!
%%
And that's a wrap!
%%
And that's inches babe, not centimetres.
 Johnny Holmes
%%
And that's the way it is...
 -- Walter Cronkite
%%
And that's the world in a nutshell...an appropriate receptacle.
 -- Stan Dunn
%%
"And that was the end of Grogan, the man who killed my father,
 raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and
 stole my Bible!"
 -- Romancing the Stone
%%
"And the Angel of the Lord dropped upon him, yea verily, saying:
My left hand carries iron, The right one steel.
If the left don't gitcha, Then the right one will."
 -- The Preacher gives his slightly warped version of, from GRIMJACK
%%
And the angels, all pallid and wan
 Uplifting, unveiling, affirm
 That the play is the tragedy 'MAN'
 And its hero Conqueror Worm
 -- Edgar Allan Poe "The Conqueror Worm"
%%
And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.
%%
And the barrel of meal wasted not, neither did the cruse of oil fail.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Kings xvii, 16
%%
And the bed smelled like a fish market.
"The catch of the day," he cried.
%%
And the best of all ways
To lengthen our days
Is to steal a few hours from the night, my dear.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Young May Moon
%%
And the best part of C++ is, when you change the guts of a class in a
header file, everything needs to be recompiled, even things that don't
care about the guts of the class!  Oh, wait.
 -- Rob Earhart
%%
And the Cartoon menace was no more....
%%
And the chances of there being _two_ bullets with my name on them are
  very small indeed.
Yes. That's not the only thing around here that's _very small indeed_.
  Your brain, for example, is so _minute_, Baldrick, that if a hungry
  cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to
  cover a small water-biscuit.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
And the Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because
those people were religious nuts with guns.  Hell, this country was FOUNDED
by religious nuts with guns!
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
And the cold marble leapt to life a god.
 -- Henry Hart Milman (1791-1868)
 -- The Belvedere Apollo
%%
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden
silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.
Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the
Emperor has no clothes!  He is naked!"
 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%%
And the cry issues forth: WHAT DO YOU KNOW!!
%%
And the days dwindle down to a precious few...
%%
And the day star arise in your hearts.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Peter i, 19
%%
And, the driver compresses EVERYTHING, not just EXE & COM
%%
"....and the far-flung Isles of Langerhans."
 -- Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE
%%
"And the fifth-highest grossing film in America
 this week is YOUNG GUNS, the new film where
 everybody in it is Martin Sheen's son, but nobody
 has the same last name."
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
And the fire will rain down from the sky.
%%
... and the first lesson is:
Never lose the alternative way out of sight.
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
%%
And the first one said to the second one there, "I hope you're having fun."
%%
And the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course,
 merely a courtesy detail.
%%
And the gap, which was just under five seconds, is now just over four.
%%
And the God Ditka decreed Polish Sausage and Beer for all, every day.
%%
And the heart that is soonest awake to the flowers
  Is always the first to be touch'd by the thorns.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Oh think not my Spirits are always as light
%%
And the heat goes on...where the hand has been.
 -- Byrne/Eno
%%
And the imperial votaress passed on,
In maiden meditation, fancy-free.
Yet mark'd I where the bolt of Cupid fell:
It fell upon a little western flower,
Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,
And maidens call it love-in-idleness.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
And the kids around here look just like shadows, always quiet, holding
hands.
%%
And the lawyer looks down at his mutilated and severed arm and says: My Rolex,
my Rolex
%%
And the list goes on...
%%
And the Lord did grin. And the people did feed upon the lambs and sloths
 and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats...
 -- The Holy Book of Armaments
%%
And the Lord God said unto Moses -- and correctly, I believe ...
 -- Field Marshal Montgomery, opening a chapel service
%%
And the Lord Said let there be Light, then had a beer.
%%
...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels
inside a switch statement'
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
And the Lord said 'Maxwells Equations'. And there was light.
%%
And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not leave hairs unsplit."
%%
And the Lord said unto him, "Therefore whosoever slayeth
 Cain, venegance shall be taken on him sevenfold." And the Lord
 set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
 -- Bible, Genesis 4:15
%%
And the Lord spake unto Elvis, "Thou hast spoken against me Elvis, and I
curse thee to have thy blue suede shoes trod upon for all time..."
%%
And the magic rat drove his street machine over the Jersey state line.
%%
And the men who hold high places...
%%
And then Adam said, "What's a headache?"
%%
And then God said, No, a BUD light!
%%
And then he drew a dial from his poke,
And looking on it with lack-lustre eye,
Says very wisely, "It is ten o'clock:
Thus we may see," quoth he, "how the world wags."
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
And then he wacked up and down my favorite baby seal.
%%
...and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me
would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him
yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his
heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!
 -- James Joyce, _Ulysses_
%%
And the night shall be filled with music,
  And the cares that infest the day
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs,
  And as silently steal away.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Day is done
%%
And then I got rescued by this bowl!
 -- Jo, PLANET OF THE DALEKS
%%
"... and then I said to myself, 'Why should I split it two ways?'"
 -- G. Mouser
%%
And then it goes... BOOOOOMMMM!!!
%%
And then it started like a guilty thing
Upon a fearful summons.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
And then I woke up.
%%
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
 And she said, with a tear in her eye,
 "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
%%
And then she pressed the ctrl key...
%%
"... and then the fun began."
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
%%
And then there was Pac-Bell's resident expert on fiber-optic
communications.  Sort of a specialist in light conversation.
%%
And then there were the three cats on the ferry in the Seine
in Paris.  When an accident happened, the paper reported it as:
Un, deux, trois cats sank.
%%
And then these two ravishing beauties came up to me and whispered
  in my ear...that they loved me.
And what happened after you woke up, sir?
 -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
...And Then the world will be as one.
 -- John Lennon
%%
And then, they brought out the 8-by-10 color glossy pictures
 with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one
 explaining what it was.
%%
And then to breakfast with
What appetite you have.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
And the number of the counting shall be three.
%%
And then we had Marconi's radio...
%%
And the Other People: Allan Sundry
%%
And the people bowed and prayed, to the neon Gods they'd made.
 Paul Simon
%%
And the plural of house is....CAT.....'Hmmmm'
%%
And the poets downtown don't write nothing at all, they stand back and
let it all be
%%
And the Prince and Princess lived happily...well for eleven days..
%%
And the rabbit said.."Not on MY ears you don't!"
%%
And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis vii, 12
%%
And there are plenty of opportunities.
%%
And there began a lang digression
About the lords o' the creation.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Twa Dogs
%%
"And there!  Between STAR TREK and ASTROBOY... It's Zot's world!"
 -- Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!
%%
And thereby hangs a tale.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book v, Chap. iv
%%
And thereby hangs a tale.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Taming of the Shrew
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
%%
And there is even a happiness
That makes the heart afraid.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Ode to Melancholy
%%
And there is nothing hid from the heat thereof.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xix, 6
%%
And there's a crowd of young boys, they're fooling around in the corner.
 Joking, dressed in their best brown baggies and their platform soles.
 They don't give a damn about any trumpet-playing band;
 it ain't what they call rock and roll.
 -- Dire Straits
%%
And the RESET button lets you re-run AUTOEXEC.BAT!
%%
And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.
%%
And there's no way out for me...
 -- the Tubes
%%
And there was mounting in hot haste.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 25
%%
And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and Amigas.
%%
And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and MS-DOS, and MS-Windows
%%
And the road warrior, that was the last we saw of him.
%%
And these blast points -- too accurate for Sandpeople.  Only Imperial
Stormtroopers are so precise.
 -- Ben Kenobi to Luke (Star Wars)
%%
And the sentence you're paying is too high priced
While you're living beyond all your means
And the man in the suit has just bought a new car
From the profit he's made on your dreams

%%
And these small projections?
An android alarm clock. Is that amusing?
 -- Dr. Crusher and Data, "Datalore", stardate 41242.4
%%
And the silence came surging softly backwards
When the plunging hooves were gone...
 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
%%
And the silicon chip inside her head, got switched to "Overload"...
%%
And the tear that is wiped with a little address,
May be follow'd perhaps by a smile.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Rose
%%
And the tear that we shed, though in secret it rolls,
Shall long keep his memory green in our souls.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Oh breathe not his Name
%%
And the thunder rolls...
%%
And the time will come when you see we're all one
and life goes on within you and without you.
%%
...and the Total Key To Understanding Life At Microsoft
"Do not adjust your mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."
%%
And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
%%
And the vile squeaking of the wry-necked fife.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 5
%%
And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains.
%%
"...and the world's smartest man means no more to
 me than its smartest termite."
 -- Dr. Manhattan against Adrian Veidt, in WATCHMEN
%%
AND THE WORST PIZZA IS: Watermelon and mayonnaise.
%%
And they saith unto Jesus,"How the @#$! did you do that?"
%%
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for
if you hit a man with a ploughshare, he'll know he's been
hit
%%
And they shall plow their swords into beach chairs.
%%
And they shamelessly clothe their females. Inviting others to unclothe
  them. The very depth of perversion.
 -- Ferengi to Portal, "The Last Outpost", stardate 41386.4
%%
And, they taste like the toilet seats too!
%%
And they told us, what they wanted...
 Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance.
 -- Kate Bush
%%
And they've overthrown Nicolas the Second, who used to be bizarre...
Used to be _the_ Tzar, Baldrick...
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star
%%
And they've visibly grown in stature - even the 5ft 6in Ramirez.
%%
And they were canopied by the blue sky,
So cloudless, clear, and purely beautiful
That God alone was to be seen in heaven.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Dream, Stanza 4
%%
And they were through.  There wasn't any pass.  There was only a
broken eggshell of Ringworld foundation material, stressed by terrific
stresses to a few feet of thickness; and beyond that, the crater in
Fist-of-God Mountain.
They were falling. And the crater was full of stars.
 -- "Ringworld"
%%
And this 2-record disco set, only from K-TEL!
%%
And this I know: whether the one True Light
Kindle to Love, or Wrath-consume me quite,
  One Flash of It within the Tavern caught
Better than in the Temple lost outright.
 -- Omar Khayyam (died c.1133)
 -- Rubaiyat, Stanza lxxvii
%%
And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
world.
 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%%
And this is good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod,
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
And the Cabots talk only to God.
%%
And this is his sofa, is it?
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
And this is that Homer's golden chain, which reacheth down from heaven
to earth, by which every creature is annexed, and depends on his Creator.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 1, Memb. 2, Subsect. 1
%%
And this is what you do for fun.
%%
And THIS is your brain on drugs with a side order of toast and coffee.
%%
And this is your brain over-easy with a side of bacon.
%%
"And this," said Caesar, "you know, young man, is more disagreeable
for me to say than to do."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Caesar
%%
And this the burden of his song
  Forever used to be,--
I care for nobody, No. not I,
  If no one cares for me.
 -- Isaac Bickerstaff (1735-1787)
 -- Love in a Village, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
"And *this* -- this is for losing my new luggage,
 you SLIMEBALL!"
 -- Race Bannon finally loses his temper in JONNY QUEST
%%
And this too shall come to pass.
%%
And those patches will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.
%%
And those that paint them truest praise them most.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- The Campaign, Last line
%%
And though all cry down self, none means his ownself in a literal sense.
 -- Butler
%%
And though he promise to his loss,
He makes his promise good.
 -- Tate and Brady
 -- xv, 5
%%
And though mine arm should conquer twenty worlds,
There 's a lean fellow beats all conquerors.
 -- Thomas Dekker (1572-1632)
 -- Old Fortunatus
%%
And though thou hadst Small Latin, and less Greek.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- To the Memory of Shakespeare
%%
  And Thought leapt out to wed with Thought
Ere Thought could wed itself with Speech.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xxiii, Stanza 4
%%
And thought the nation ne'er would thrive
Till all the whores were burnt alive.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- Paulo Purganti
%%
And thou hast walked about (how strange a story!)
  In Thebes's streets three thousand years ago,
When the Memnonium was in all its glory.
 -- Horace Smith (1779-1849)
 -- Address to the Mummy at Belzoni's Exhibition
%%
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung
that cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto
me, Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt
prepare thy bread therewith.
 -- Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)
%%
And thou, vast ocean! on whose awful face
Time's iron feet can print no ruin-trace.
 -- Robert Montgomery (1807-1855)
 -- The Omnipresence of the Deity, Part i
%%
And threat'ning France, plac'd like a painted Jove,
Kept idle thunder in his lifted hand.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Annus Mirabilis, Stanza 39
%%
                  And through the spaces of the dark
                  Midnight shakes the memory
                  As a madman shakes a dead geranium
 -- T.S. Eliot
%%
And thus ends another wit-filled message.
%%
And thus he bore without abuse
  The grand old name of gentleman,
  Defamed by every charlatan,
And soil'd with all ignoble use.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, cxi, Stanza 6
%%
And thus I clothe my naked villany
With old odd ends stolen out of
And seem a saint when most I play the devil.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 32
%%
And thus they give the time, that Nature meant
For peaceful sleep and meditative snores,
To ceaseless din and mindless merriment
And waste of shoes and floors.
 -- Lewis Carroll [Charles Lutwidge Dodgson] (1832-98),
 -- English writer, mathematician
 -- Four Riddles, no. 1 (1869)
%%
And to all you virgins out there.....Thanks for nothing.
%%
And to bring in a new word by the head and shoulders, they leave out
the old one.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. v
%%
And today will go down in history as January 17 1991.
%%
And today will go down in history as Unknown.
%%
And to his eye
There was but one beloved face on earth,
And that was shining on him.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Dream, Stanza 2
%%
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
 -- Isaiah 56:12 [NSV]
%%
...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish
 not being here.
%%
And took for truth the test of ridicule.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- Tales of the Hall, Book viii, The Sisters
%%
And to our hairy cousins:apologies. Here, have a banana and a beer.
%%
  And topples round the dreary west
A looming bastion fringed with fire.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xv, Stanza 5
%%
And torture one poor word ten thousand ways.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Britannia Rediviva, Line 208
%%
And totally crash proof!
%%
`And to the liberty for which it stands, one nation, under God, with
freedom and justice for all.'  And let's never forget it.
 -- George Bush, mangling the Pledge of Allegiance
%%
And to think that only this morning I mistook you for an idiot only because
your views were different to mine. One could have a real talk with you, though
perhaps it would be wiser not to.
 -- Fyodor Dostoyevski, The Idiot
%%
And touch'd by her fair tendance, gladlier grew.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 47
%%
And truant husband should return, and say,
"My dear, I was the first who came away."
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 141
%%
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Eloisa to Abelard, Line 66
%%
And truth severe, by fairy fiction drest.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Bard, III, 3, Line 3
%%
And unextinguish'd laughter shakes the skies.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book i, Line 771
%%
And upon all that are lovers of virtue, and dare trust in his Providence,
and be quiet and go a-angling.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 21
%%
And virtue, though in rags, will keep me warm.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Imitation of Horace, Book iii, Ode 29, Line 87
%%
And Walter, why does this issue concern you so?
The devil is paying me to have a conversation.
 -- Walter Lego
%%
"...And was head of Gestapo for 10 years.. No!  5 years!..
No!  No!  Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke."
 -- Monty Python
%%
And waste their music on the savage race.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Love of Fame, Satire v, Line 228
%%
And we are told in the Scriptures that at the beginning of time the Lord
 said, "Let there be light." But I've checked this out with a number of
 eminent biblical scholars. The Lord's complete statement was as follows:
 "Let there be light. Well, maybe not all day."
 -- Steve Allen
%%
And weep the more, because I weep in vain.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Sonnet, On the Death of Mr. West
%%
And we heard him exclaim
 As he started to roam:
 `I'm a hologram, kids,
 please don't try this at home!'
 -- Bob Violence, Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling
%%
 ... and we must consider, that since -- unfortunately -- we are forced
to live together, the most important thing for us to remember is that
the only way in which we can have any law at all is to have as little
of it as possible.  I see no ethical standard by which to measure the
whole unethical conception of a State, except in the amount of time, of
thought, of money, of effort and of obedience, which a society extorts
from its every member.   Its value and its civilization are in inverse
ratio to that extortion.  There is no conceivable law by which a man
can be forced to work on any terms except those he chooses to set.  There
is no conceivable law to prevent him from setting them -- just as there
is none to force his employer to accept them.  The freedom to agree or
disagree is the foundation of our kind of society ...
 -- Austen Heller
%%
And we were sufferin', until Suffrage!
%%
And we will all go together when we go...
%%
And we, with Nature's heart in tune,
  Concerted harmonies.
 -- William Motherwell (1797-1835)
 -- Jeannie Morrison
%%
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were!  What diabolical
ways to sabotage they found!  Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
give advice.  One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads.  The GPU
exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
without railroads in case of foreign military intervention!  When, not long
afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%%
And what are cat diapers called? PamPurrs?
%%
And what are you going to do with the death ray once its built?
%%
And what do I look like--the living?
%%
And what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to
love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?
%%
And what do we burn apart from witches?   *More* witches!
%%
And.....What ever became of Sweet Jane?
She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
%%
And what have I got to show for it? Nothing. A butler's uniform
  and a slightly effeminate hairdo.
 -- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
And what have we got on this ship, a cuisanart?!
%%
And what he greatly thought, he nobly dar'd.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book ii, Line 312
%%
    And what is a good citizen?  Simply one who never says,
does or thinks anything that is unusual.  Schools are
maintained in order to bring this uniformity up to the highest
possible point.  A school is a hopper into which children are
heaved while they are still young and tender; therein they are
pressed into certain standard shapes and covered from head to
heels with official rubber-stamps.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
And what is fame, that flutt'ring noisy sound, but the cold lie of
universal vogue?
 -- H. Smith
%%
And what is so rare as a day in June?
  Then, if ever, come perfect days;
Then Heaven tries the earth if it be in tune,
  And over it softly her warm ear lays.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Vision of Sir Launfal, Prelude to Part First
%%
    And what is the professional wizard's greatest reward for completing a
particularly arduous and dangerous task? Is it the accolades of a grateful
populace? Is it huge amounts of gold and silver tossed about his feet? Is it
the complementary vacation in the pleasure gardens of Vushta, or his official
removal from the tax rolls? Although all of these other factors are important
for the wizard to feel truly honored, they pale before the professional
wizard's basic and oh-so-necessary demand: The stipulation that he never has
to repeat that particularly arduous and dangerous task, or one even remotely
like it, for as long as he shall live.
    Truly professional wizards, after all, must set priorities.
 -- How to Hire a Wizard and Still Profit From the Upcoming Netherhells Crisis,
 -- by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms
 -- (book still in progress)
%%
And what is writ is writ,--
Would it were worthier!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 185
%%
And what is your bureau doing about bonsai?
 -- Harrison Chase, SEEDS OF DOOM
%%
And what its worth, ask death-beds; they can tell.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night ii, Line 51
%%
And what 's impossible can't be,
And never, never comes to pass.
 -- George Colman, the Younger (1762-1836)
 -- The Maid of the Moor
%%
And what so tedious as a twice-told tale.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xii, Line 538
%%
"And what's this fish doing in my ear?
        Arthur Dent.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
And WHAT were those mistakes my parents made?
%%
And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?
 asked the father of his little son.

 Diet.
%%
And what would you do if God spoke directly to your face and said, 'I
command that you be happy in the world.  As long as you live.'   What
would you do then?
 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%%
"And what you didn't give away, you spent on wild
 parties, young girls, and every drug you could get your hands on."
  "Every pill I took kept it out of some kid's hands!"
 -- Melvis Wesley (yes, everyone uses a pseudonym these days)
 -- is back from the dead in "Dinosaurs For Hire"
%%
And when a lady 's in the case,
You know all other things give place.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Fables, Part i, The Hare and many Friends
%%
"And when do you expect to get married?"
"Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know!  I 'aven't 'ad it
for weeks!"
 -- Monty Python
%%
And when fate summons even the Tsar must obey.
%%
And when he is out of sight, quickly also is he out of mind.
 -- Thomas a Kempis (1380-1471)
 -- Imitation of Christ, Book i, Chap. 23
%%
And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.  Without
the rain, there would be no rainbow.
 -- Jerry Chin
%%
And when like her, O Saki, you shall pass
Among the Guests Star-scatter'd on the Grass,
  And in your blissful errand reach the spot
Where I made One--turn down an empty Glass.
 -- Omar Khayyam (died c.1133)
 -- Rubaiyat, Stanza ci
%%
And when once the young heart of a maiden is stolen,
  The maiden herself will steal after it soon.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Ill Omens
%%
And when the physician said, "Sir, you are an old man," "That happens,"
replied Pausanias, "because you never were my doctor."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Pausanias the Son of Phistoanax
%%
"And when they ask me, 'What are you looking at?'
I always tell them, nothing much".
%%
And when they've given you their all, some stagger and fall. After all
 it's not easy beating your heart up against some mad bugger's wall.
 -- Roger Waters
%%
And when with envy Time, transported,
  Shall think to rob us of our joys,
You 'll in your girls again be courted,
  And I 'll go wooing in my boys.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Winifreda (1720)
%%
And when you stick on conversation's burrs,
Don't strew your pathway with those dreadful urs.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- A Rhymed Lesson, Urania
%%
And where two raging fires meet together, they do consume the thing that
feeds their fury.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
And where you are ain't no good unless you can get away from it.
%%
And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span?
 -- Matthew 6:27
%%
And while I at length debate and beate the bush,
There shall steppe in other men and catch the burdes.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. iii
%%
And while the lamp holds out to burn,
The vilest sinner may return.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Hymns and Spiritual Songs, Book i, Hymn 88
%%
And while we're about it, who is this terrible Zodin?
 -- Peri, ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN
%%
And while you're on your way back, I'd appreciate if you'd take the time to
learn the Babylon 5 mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova.
I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever
happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out. Babylon Control
out.
 -- Lt. Commander Susan Ivanova, "Babylon 5"
%%
And whispering, "I will ne'er consent,"--consented.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 117
%%
And who (in time) knows whither we may vent
  The treasure of our tongue? To what strange shores
This gain of our best glory shall be sent
  T' enrich unknowing nations with our stores?
What worlds in the yet unformed Occident
  May come refin'd with th' accents that are ours?
 -- Samuel Daniel (1562-1619)
 -- Musophilus, Stanza 163
%%
And who is that 'lad' that calls me dad all the time  :)
%%
"And why did you come to earth?"
  "To collect sperm."
 -- Space Virgins
%%
And why does all of the corn in Western Iowa lean toward the West? The
 answer to that one is quite simple. Nebraska sucks!
%%
And wine can of their wits the wise beguile,
Make the sage frolic, and the serious smile.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiv, Line 520
%%
And wiped our eyes
Of drops that sacred pity hath engender'd.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
And with necessity,
The tyrant's plea,
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 393
%%
And without partiality, a woamn of sense and manners is the finest and most
delicate part of God's creation.
 -- Daniel DeFoe
%%
And would'st thou evil for his good repay?
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xvi, Line 448
%%
"And wow!  Hey!  What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast?
Very very fast.  So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding
name like ... ow ... ound ... round ... ground!  That's it!  That's a
good name - ground!  I wonder if it will be friends with me?" - A very
surprised sperm whale.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
And wrinkles, the damned democrats, won't flatter.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto x, Stanza 24
%%
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
 -- John 8,32
%%
And yes - I crave your strong, sinewy body.
Well...you're only human.
 -- Amy and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
And yesterday the planet seemed to be going so well..
%%
And yet, as angels in some brighter dreams
Call to the soul when man doth sleep,
So some strange thoughts transcend our wonted themes,
And into glory peep.
 -- Henry Vaughan (1621-1695)
 -- They are all gone
%%
And yet he had a thomb of gold parde.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 565
%%
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips;
to have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have
looked upon the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush;
to have let loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake
beyond price:  in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have
had the lightest license of a child, and yet been man enough to know
its value.
 -- Charles Dickens
%%
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets
tragedy face to face, we have politics.
 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
%%
... And yet the true creator is necessity, which is the mother of
invention.
 -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), "The Republic", Book II. 369C
%%
And you, brave Cobham! to the latest breath
Shall feel your ruling passion strong in death.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle i, Line 262
%%
And you don't resent it? The VISOR or being blind?
Since they are both part of me and I really like who I am, why should
  I resent them?
 -- Scholar and Geordi, "Loud as a Whisper", stardate 42477.2
%%
And you know Flipper, he lives in a world full of wonder.
%%
And you may ask yourself  "Am I right? ... Am I wrong?"
And you may say to yourself  "MY GOD! ... WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
 -- The Talking Heads
%%
And you said it would be pretty down here.
 -- C3P0 (Star Wars)
%%
And you should hear them whining about our state flag ...
%%
And you thought BATS were just for Baseball!
%%
And you thought CHAOS ment rush-hour traffic!
%%
And you thought space was warped.
%%
And you thought You's Seen It all? Well, you have...
%%
 Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
 minutes.  Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
 weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
%%
A nearby penny is worth a distant dollar.
%%
An earthquake is Mother Nature's "silent" pager going off.
%%
An ear to the ground and nose to the grindstone can be painful.
%%
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
 -- Thumb's Second Postulate
%%
An easy life saps one's will.
%%
An eccentric America is a Safe America...
%%
A necessary item only goes on sale after you have purchased it at
the regular price.
 -- Sherry Graditor
%%
An eclipse of the Earth occurs when you put your hands over your eyes.
%%
An economist is a chap who, when asked for his social security number,
gives an estimate.
 -- K. M. Reese, "Newscripts", Chemical & Engineering News (26 Jun 89), p. 64
%%
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett for her money.
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow
why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
An educated owl says 'WHOM' !
%%
An educator should consider that he has failed in his job
if he has not succeeded in instilling some trace of a divine
dissatisfaction with our miserable social environment.
 -- Anthony Standen
%%
Aneedawhack: An obnoxious, spoiled child in a mall.
%%
A needless Alexandrine ends the song,
That like a wounded snake drags its slow length along.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 156
%%
A needy, hollow-eyed, sharp-looking wretch,
A living-dead man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Comedy of Errors
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
An eerie glow emanates from a small orb floating in mid-air.
%%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%%
An efficient organization is one in which the accounting
department knows the exact cost of every useless
administrative procedure which they themselves have initiated.
 -- E.W.R. Steacie
%%
An efficient program is an exercise in logical brinkmanship.
 -- E. Dijkstra
%%
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
%%
An egg today is better than a hen tomorrow.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
An egg without salt is like a kiss from a beardless man.
%%
An ego like a black hole.
%%
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
%%
An Egyptian King passing gas is a toot uncommon.
%%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out
on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed
loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom
do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
%%
An elected official is one who got 51% of the vote cast by 42% of
the 67 percent
 of the people who are eligible to vote. When you calculate the odds, you
 are just damn lucky to get anyone to run for any office.
%%
An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of
all the trouble they got us into in the first place.
%%
An electrical engineer deals with current events.
%%
An Electrician gets into people's shorts!
%%
An electrician worries about current events.
%%
An elegant sufficiency, content,
Retirement, rural quiet, friendship, books,
Ease and alternate labour, useful life,
Progressive virtue, and approving Heaven!
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Spring, Line 1158
%%
An Elementary-School student's comment on politics:

Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because
they became president.
%%
An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
An elephant can be pregnant for up to two years.
%%
An elephant is a mouse using OS/2 ...
%%
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system."
 -- ...understanding Windows
%%
"An elephant is like long-term memory"
 -- A blind psychologist
%%
An elven cloak is always the height of fashion.
%%
An elven cloak protects against magic.
%%
An Emperor who does not rule deposes himself.
 -- Draconian Emperor, FRONTIER IN SPACE
%%
An employee with nothing to hide may well be an employee with
nothing to offer.
 -- Robert Ellis Smith, Publisher of the 'Privacy Journal'
%%
An employer was asked to write a recommendation for a worker who was
leaving and was not known for putting out a great deal of effort while
on the job. Since the employer did not want to lie and make this
person better than he was, he thought a while before writing anything.
Finally, he found just the right words: "You would indeed be
fortunate to get this person to work for you."
%%
An empowered organization is one in which individuals have the knowledge,
skill, desire, and opportunity to personally succeed in a way that
leads to collective organizational success.
 -- Stephen R. Covey, Principle-centered Leadership
%%
An empty bag cannot win in New York.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
An empty bus travels fast.
%%
An empty man is full of himself.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
An empty stomach is not a good political advisor.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have been
saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
%%
An engineer is a man who can do for a dime what any fool can do for a
dollar.
%%
An engineer is an unordinary person who can do for one dollar
what any ordinary person can do for two dollars.
%%
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
%%
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!"  Sir Geoffrey
responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
%%
An Englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea
governed by Scotsmen.
%%
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
 -- A. P. Herbert
%%
An Englishman thinks he is moral only when he is uncomfortable.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman"
%%
An enneahedron is solid with nine faces.
%%
An enterprise employing more than 1000 people
becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work
that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.
 -- Parkinson's Law of 1000
%%
An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.   Hell - this
 is going to be a blood bath!
 -- Post Bros. Comics
%%
An epicece Gnome of Zurich, wearing a three-piece suit and carrying a
safety deposit box materializes in the room.  "You seem to have
forgotten to deposit your valuables," he says, tapping the lid of the
box impatiently.  "We don't usually allow customers to use the boxes
here, but we can make this ONE exception, I suppose..."  He looks
askance at you over his wire-rimmed bifocals.
%%
An epigram often flashes light into regions where reason shines but
dimly.
 -- E. P. Whipple
%%
An equal opportunity flamethrower.
%%
An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted.
 -- Arthur Miller
%%
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it,
 the harder it gets.
%%
Anergy-State: Any state of the Universe, or any portion of it, which requires
the expenditure of human effort or ingenuity to bring it into line with human
desires, needs, or pleasures.
 -- Dr. John Gall
%%
Aneroid Barometer: Meteorological instrument which sailors often use to
                 confirm the onset of bad weather.  Its readings, together
             with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies,
              and a deep cloud cover, indicate the presence of a storm.
 -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
%%
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
 -- O.A. Battista
%%
An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
%%
An error is simply a failure
 to adjust immediately
 from a preconception to an actuality.
 -- John Cage, composer
%%
An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth
which it contains.
 -- Henri Frederic Amiel (1821-1881)
%%
An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail.
 -- Edwin Land
%%
Anesthetists do it painlessly.
%%
An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his
 own good.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
An evil, at its birth, is easily crushed, but it grows and strengthens
by endurance.
 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
An evil mind is a great comfort.
%%
A new author attempted to get an older author to read his works simply by
 sending them to the older man. The older author read what was sent and
 replied that the work was both interesting and original, but unfortunately,
 that which was original was not interesting and that which was interesting
 was not original.
%%
A new broom sweeps clean, but never trust an old saw.
 -- James Thurber
%%
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
%%
A new cask will long preserve the tincture of the liquor with which it
was first impregnated.
 -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
A new diet or exercise program can be unusually beneficial for you now.
%%
A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn
from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word.
%%
A new drink's been invented---
        It's one part vodka and one part prune juice, and it's called
 a pile driver.
%%
A New Employee: The boss came in and said "I think you are the laziest
 person I have ever encountered. You are absolutely worthless. All you do is
 take up space.! Tell me one good thing about yourself, one way in which
 there is some benefit in keeping you on the payroll?" The employee
 responded, "When I go on vacation, you don't have to hire someone to
 replace me."
%%
A new food additive, derived from the sweat on Michael Jackson's hands
after a concert.  It will be used mostly in confections requiring
a smooth texture.  Other uses may be derived.  This additive will
appear on package labels as:

   Partially Androgenated Palm Oil
%%
A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be
stabbed to death by a quip and worried to death by a frown on the
right man's brow.
 -- Charlie Brower
%%
A new koan:

 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.

  If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.

It is an ice cream koan.
%%
A NEW life awaits you in the OFF WORLD colony, the chance to
begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure !
New climates, recreational facilities ...
The custom tailored genetically engineered humanoid replicant designed
especially for YOUR needs !!
 -- Bladerunner
%%
A newly married man comes home to find his wife in tears. He asks what
 caused the tears and she tells him. "The dog ate our dinner! To which he
 replies: "Don't worry, I'll buy you a new dog."
%%
A new mother soon becomes a chief cook and bottom washer.
%%
A new name for Political Correctness:  Euphemasia.
%%
A new preacher came to a local church and gave what he considered a fairly
 reasonable example of a sermon for the consideration of the locals. He came
 back on the following Monday night to meet with the Board of Deacons, and
 before the meeting went into the bathroom. On the hand dryer he noted a
 sign which read "This device placed here courtesy of the preacher we had
 this last Sunday." He did not get to stay!
%%
A new report from the government says raw eggs may have salmonella and may
 be unsafe. In fact, the latest government theory says it wasn't the fall
 that killed Humpty Dumpty--he was dead before he hit the ground.
 -- Jay Leno
%%
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents
and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents
eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
 -- Max Planck, 1858-1947
%%
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
%%
A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices.
%%
A newspaper is a device which is unable to discriminate between a bicycle
 accident and the total collapse of civilization.
%%
A newspaper is to a book as a whore is to a lady.
%%
A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest:
"Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either."
%%
A new Sports Stadium was completed in Warsaw, Poland, recently. There have
 been a large number of complaints about the design, since no matter where
 you are seated, you are seated behind a Pole. (Sorry about that, really,
 terribly so, awful much!)
%%
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
%%
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since
 the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
 -- In an East African newspaper
%%
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow.  The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
catching instructions on the wing.  In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%%
A NEW weapon against The Borg...Make them D/L Windows!
%%
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%%
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%%
An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper.
%%
An example is not proof.
%%
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
%%
An example of hard water is ice.
%%
An excellent angler, and now with God.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. iv
%%
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER proves it.
 -- Edmund C. Berkeley
%%
An excess of syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semi-colon
%%
An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie; for an excuse is
a lie guarded.
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
An executive is a person who always decides;
sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.
 -- John H. Patterson
%%
An executive is a person who is always annoying the hired
help by asking them to do things.
%%
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
%%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%%
An expatriot Limey!
%%
An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
%%
An experiment is reproducible until another laboratory tries to repeat it.
 -- Dr. Alexander Kohn
%%
An expert, aside from being a former spurt, is a person who knows more and
 more about less and less until he knows practically nothing about anything.
 The more likely a person is to be known as an expert is in direct ratio to
 the distance that person is from home, which is also known as the law of
 real catastrophe: The greater the distance from home, the heavier the
 expert.
%%
An expert doesn't know more than you do. He is merely better organized and
has slides.
 -- Van Oech's Law
%%
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes
which can be made, in a narrow field.
 -- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
%%
An expert is a man who has stopped thinking. Why should he
think? He's an expert.
%%
An expert is a mechanic away from home.
%%
An expert is anyone from out of town.
 -- Mars' Rule
%%
 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
 while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
 -- Weinberg's Principle
%%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less
until he gets to the point where he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
 -- Weber's Definition
%%
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
%%
   An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his
   shoulders) walks out from the dark trees.  He is extremely fierce and
   gruesome countenance.  He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are
   wazzing like mad.  (Salopian slang, meaning very scared.  almost to the
   point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or
   prior to a postering.  Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school
   praeposters.  Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face.
"That eye is like this eye"
Said the first eye,
"But in low place,
Not in high place."
%%
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!
Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
Thou comest in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee: I 'll call thee Hamlet,
King, father, royal Dane: O, answer me!
Let me not burst in ignorance, but tell
Why thy canonized bones, hearsed in death,
Have burst their cerements; why the sepulchre,
Wherein we saw thee quietly inurn'd,
Hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws
To cast thee up again. What may this mean,
That thou, dead corse, again in complete steel
Revisit'st thus the glimpses of the moon,
Making night hideous,
So horridly to shake our disposition
With thoughts beyond the reaches of our souls?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
%%
Angels listen when she speaks:
  She 's my delight, all mankind's wonder;
But my jealous heart would break
  Should we live one day asunder.
 -- Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)
 -- Song
%%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
Anger a dragon not, as you are tasty & go well with brie.
%%
Anger always drives the mouth faster than the mind.
%%
Anger and intolerance are the twin enemies of correct understanding
 -- Mahatma Ghandi
%%
Anger begins with folly, and ends with repentance.
 -- H. G. Bohn
%%
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
 -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899)
%%
Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control
you.
 -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Anger is a relative state.
 -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
%%
Anger is as a stone cast into a wasp's nest.
%%
Anger is a weed; hate is the tree.
 -- Augustine
%%
Anger is blood, pour'd and perplexed into a froth.
 -- Davenant
%%
Anger is like
A full-hot horse, who being allow'd his way,
Self-mettle tires him.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Anger is seldom without argument but seldom with a good one.
 -- Halifax
%%
Anger kills.
%%
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
%%
Anger makes dull men witty--but it keeps them poor.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon
%%
:angle brackets: n. Either of the characters `<' (ASCII
   0111100) and `>' (ASCII 0111110) (ASCII less-than or
   greater-than signs).  Typographers in the {Real World} use angle
   brackets which are either taller and slimmer (the ISO `Bra' and
   `Ket' characters), or significantly smaller (single or double
   guillemets) than the less-than and greater-than signs.
   See {broket}, {{ASCII}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Anglers do it with worms.
%%
Angling is somewhat like poetry,--men are to be born so.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 1
%%
Angling may be said to be so like the mathematics that it can never
be fully learnt.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Author's Preface
%%
Angling: The name given to fishing by non-fishermen.
%%
Angry Candy leaves a bittersweet taste.
%%
:angry fruit salad: n. A bad visual-interface design that uses too
   many colors.  (This term derives, of course, from the bizarre
   day-glo colors found in canned fruit salad.)  Too often one sees
   similar effects from interface designers using color window systems
   such as {X}; there is a tendency to create displays that are
   flashy and attention-getting but uncomfortable for long-term
   use.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Angular Momentum Makes The World Go 'Round.
%%
An habitation giddy and unsure
Hath he that buildeth on the vulgar heart.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
An handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Kings xvii, 12
%%
An harmless flaming meteor shone for hair,
And fell adown his shoulders with loose care.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- Davideis, Book ii, Line 95
%%
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
%%
An honest day's work for an honest day's beating!
%%
An honest exceeding poor man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
An honest executive is one who shares the credit with the person
who did all the work.
%%
An honest god is the noblest work of man.   ... God has always resembled his
 creators.  He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably
 found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with
 sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine
 perfume.
 -- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
An honest God's the noblest work of man.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
An honest man, close-button'd to the chin,
Broadcloth without, and a warm heart within.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Epistle to Joseph Hill
%%
An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind.
%%
An honest man's word is as good as his bond.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. xxxiii
%%
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
 -- Simon Cameron (1799-1889)
%%
An honest tale speeds best, being plainly told.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act iv, Sc. 4
%%
An hors d'oeuvre is an unfamiliar creature curled up on a cracker and
 stabbed with a toothpick to make sure it's dead.
 -- Pat Buttram
%%
An hour before the worshipp'd sun
Peered forth the golden window of the east.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A nice man is a man of nasty ideas.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Thoughts on Various Subjects
%%
A nice part--only "four sides"--but good company and in for a long run.
 -- Written on grave
%%
An icicle

It runs and runs
 and never tires
Down and down
and never up.
(A stream)
%%
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore!
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
%%
An idea is a curious thing. It won't work unless you do.
%%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these
eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
possible.
 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
%%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%%
An idea is salvation by imagination.
 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
An idea, like a ghost (according to the common notion of a ghost)
must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.
 -- Charles Dickens
%%
An idealist believes the short run doesn't count.
A cynic believes the long run does not matter.
A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run
determines the long run.
 -- Sydney J. Harris, newspaper columnist
%%
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than
  a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as
charming as if she weren't.
 -- Sacha Guitry
%%
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at
all.
 -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
%%
An idea which cannot be commercialized is just a passing thought.

 -- Momofuku Ando (Nissin Foods)
%%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%%
An idler is a watch that wants both hands,
As useless if it goes as if it stands.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Retirement, Line 681
%%
A nightingale dies for shame if another bird sings better.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subsect. 6
%%
A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
%%
A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors
%%
A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
%%
A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
%%
A night of love is so sweet and hard to find.
%%
An ignorant maid of Durango
Wasn't told where to make a man's wang go,
       But she garnered this knowledge
       Her first night in college
With a sigh you could play as a tango.
%%
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
An ill agreement is better than a good judgement.
 -- Proverb
%%
An ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
An ill weed grows apace.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- An Humorous Day's Mirth
%%
An ill winde that bloweth no man to good.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ix
%%
Animal attraction: here for hunger or for love.
%%
Animalens Inc. of Wellesley, Mass., markets red contact lenses for chickens
(at 20 cents a pair), pointing to medical studies showing that chickens
seeing red during the day are happier and eat less food.  A spokesman said
the lenses will improve world egg-laying productivity by $600 million a
year.
%%
"Animal Illnesses" by Ann Thrax
%%
ANIMAL RIGHTS MEANS OPEN SEASON ON HUMANS!
%%
Animals are little people with fur coats.
%%
Animals are your friends.  But they won't drive you home.
%%
Animals are your friends.  But they won't pick you up at the airport.
%%
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's -- "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Animal Scents: Farrah Mones
%%
Animals feed; man eats.  Only the man of intellect and judgement knows
how to eat.
 -- Antheime Brillat-Savarin
%%
 Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock
strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to
instruct   them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and
unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one
starts lawsuits over their wills.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Animals LIKE earthquakes, tornadoes, and volcanic activity.
%%
Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
%%
Animals -- the renewable resource.
%%
Animals, whom we have made our slaves, we do not like to consider
our equal.
 -- Charles Darwin
%%
Animal Testing = Animal Suffering..
%%
Animators do it 24 times a second.
%%
An immense mirror is hanging against one wall, and stretches to the
other end of the room, where various other sundry objects can be
glimpsed dimly in the distance.
%%
An 'imp' is an off-shoot or cutting. Thus an 'ymp tree'  was
a grafted tree, or one grown from a cutting, not from seed.
'Imp' properly means a small devil, an off-shoot of Satan,
but the distinction between goblins or bogles and imps from
hell is hard to make, and many in the Celtic countries as
well as the English Puritans regarded all fairies as devils.
The fairies of tradition often hover uneasily between the
ghostly and the diabolic state.
 -- Katharine Briggs, A dictionary of Fairies
%%
An improper mind is a perpetual feast.
%%
An inch of dog is better than a mile of pedigree.
%%
An incompetent traitor is no danger. It is rather the capable men
who must be watched.
 -- Brodrig
%%
    An independant reality in the ordinary physical sense can neither be
      ascribed to the phenomenon nor to the agencies of observation.
 -- Niels Bohr
%%
An independent is the guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
%%
An individual without information cannot take responsibility; an individual
who is given information cannot help but take responsibility.
 -- Jan Carlzon
%%
An inexhaustible good nature is one of the most precious gifts of
heaven, spreading itself like oil over the troubled sea of thought, and
keeping the mind smooth and equable in the roughest weather.
 -- Washington Irving
%%
An inexorable upward movement leads administrators to higher salaries
and narrower spans of control.
 -- David Riesman
%%
An inexperienced female kisser:
 Where do the noses go?  I always wondered where the noses would go?
%%
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
is to allow oneself to be devoured.
 -- Konrad Adenauer
%%
An infinite number of bottles of beer on the wall.
%%
An influence ceases when the person receiving it becomes aware of it.
%%
An informant who never produces misinformation is too
deviant to be trusted.
 -- Jordan's Law
%%
AN INFORMED SOURCE - The guy who told the guy you just met.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
An informer should be hanged by his tongue.
%%
An inherently contradictory religion that will condone megadegeneracy.
%%
An inherited treasure awaits you.
%%
An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult.
%%
An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
An insane learner learns strange lessons.
%%
An institution is the lengthened shadow of one man.
 -- Emerson
%%
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
%%
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell
more than he knows.
 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
An intellectual is a person whose mind watches itself.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell
 Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
 -- Dan Rather
%%
An intelligence test often shows how smart one would have been not to take it.
%%
An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise.
 -- Victor Hugo, Ninetythree, 1874
%%
An intelligent Russian once remarked to us, 'Every country has its own
constitution; ours is absolutism moderated by assassination.'
 -- Georg Herbert
%%
An intelligent snake is a smart asp.
%%
An interesting statistic:  95.1%. That's about everyone.
%%
An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education
too seriously.
 -- Charles F. Kettering
%%
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
An invisible force field repels you with violet sparks flying.
%%
An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies
of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.
%%
An iron horse,
with a flaxen tail,
The faster that the horse does run,
The shorter does his tail become.
 Needle and thread.
%%
Anita Hill:When sh*t happens, tell everyone 10 years later.
%%
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
An it harm none,
Do what ye will.
%%
An it harms none, do what thou will.
 -- Wiccan Credo
%%
An I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence, I 'ld have
seen him damned ere I' ld have challenged him.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
wrong with a high sense of consistency.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Ankh if you love Isis
%%
Ankle deep in the DNA pool ...
%%
An "M" is an V that broke its leg playing football.
%%
Anna one, anna two.. hit it boyz...
%%
Anne Boleyn:
Heads are going to f%*king roll
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
Annette!  Karen!  Cubby!
%%
Annex Canada now!  We need the room, and who's going to stop us?
 -- A Tom Neff .signature
%%
Annie:  I lived in my head mostly.
Cooper: That's not a bad neighborhood.
Annie:  There were some pretty strange neighbors.
 -- Annie Blackburne & Agent Dale Cooper, _Twin Peaks_
%%
Annihilating all that 's made
To a green thought in a green shade.
 -- Andrew Marvell (1620-1678)
 -- The Garden
%%
Annihilation of Jews:  Holocaust; Annihilation of men:  Battle
%%
ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
 RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
ANNOUNCEMENT: New Ford Bronco Option...a juice extractor.
%%
ANNOUNCERS broadcast
%%
Announcer:  They witnessed the vast menagerie of animals.
Bullwinkle: Menagerie my foot!  Those things are real!
%%
Announcing the SHOGSORPOP!  Send $15.95 to...
%%
Annoy a Conservative: Ask them about the last election!
%%
Annoy a Conservative: Ask them to tell the truth!
%%
Annoy a Fundamentalist: Tell him the truth!
%%
Annoy a liberal: Ask him/her/it to be truthful.
%%
Annoy a Republican: Remind them of the Reagan/Bush record!
%%
Annoyed to be left unarmed in such an obviously dangerous
neighborhood, the thief slips off into the shadows.
%%
 (Annoying flute music in background:)  Good day, Jim.  Your
 contact, Linda, is not available right now.  Your mission,
 should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
 and a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct
 in thirty seconds.  Good Luck, Jim.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
 (Annoying radio announcer's voice:)  Congratulations!  You have
 reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering
 machine messages in the greater Seattle area!  If you don't know
 who you are dialing, HA!  If you DO know who you are dialing,
 you were probably expecting something like this!
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
Annoy Limbaugh: Remind him the US is not a "Christian" country!
%%
Annoy the IRD: Fill out your tax form using hexadecimal
%%
Annoy the liberal media: think for yourself.
%%
Annoy the liberals - listen to Rush!
%%
Annoy your roommate, Skip to the bathroom.
%%
Annoy your roommate, Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
%%
Annoy Yourself: Ask a politician what time it is!
%%
Annual drug deaths: tobacco: 395,000, alcohol: 125,000, 'legal' drugs: 38,000,
illegal drug overdoses: 5,200, marijuana: 0.  Considering government subsidies
of tobacco, just what is our government protecting us from in the drug war?
 -- William A. Turnbow
%%
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six,
 result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty
 pounds ought and six, result misery.
 -- Charles Dickens
%%
Annual shots will protect FIDO from Disease !
%%
An oak is not feel'd at one chop.
 -- Proverb
%%
An Oak Park, Illinois, ordinance forbids frying more than
one hundred doughnuts in a single day.
%%
An oath is a recognizance to heaven, binding us over in the courts
above, to plead to the indictment of our crimes, that those who 'scape
this world should suffer there.
 -- Sothern
%%
A Nobel Peace Prize? I'd kill for one of those.
%%
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
 -- David Gerrold
%%
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
 -- David Gerrold
%%
An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.
 -- Pliny the Younger (61-105 AD)
 -- Letters, Book ii, Letter xv, 1
%%
An object never serves the same function as its image... or its name.
 -- Rene Magritte
%%
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
 -- Law of Selective Gravity
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
 -- Jenning's Corollary
%%
A noble choice, but first ...
%%
A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher
than himself; and a mean man, by one lower than himself.  The one
produces aspiration; the other ambition, which is the way in which a
vulgar man aspires.
 -- Henry Ward Beecher
%%
An obstacle, that is, and unrecognized opportunity, often shows up when you
 lose sight of the goal.
%%
An obstinate man does not hold opinions, but they hold him.
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
An Ode to C:
                  0x0d2C
                  ~~~~~~
May your signals all trap
   May your references be bounded
All memory aligned
   Floats to ints rounded.
                     And Remember ...
Non-zero is true                   Use -> for a pointer
   ++ adds one                        A dot if it's not
Arrays start with zero             ? : is confusing
   And, NULL is for none.             Use them a lot.

For octal, use zero                a.out is your program
   0x means hex                       There's no 'U' in 'foobar'
= will set                         And, char (*(*x())[])() is
   == means test.                     A function returning a pointer
                                   to an array of pointers to
                                      functions returning char.
%%
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
%%
A nod--that's like a very hip nap.
 -- Del Close
%%
An OEM item will work only long enough to pass incoming inspection.
 -- Klipstein's Seventh Law of Production
%%
An officer in the US Civil War was inspecting his troops
while enemy snipers were active.  When warned to be careful, he said:
 Are you kidding?   They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
and collapsed, shot through the head.
%%
An official is always an official and always has a wild unquestioning
 belief in written reports.
%%
An "offsides" does NOT mean that a Russian player has just defected!
%%
Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground).
%%
An Oilers fan since the days they played outdoors
%%
ANOINT, v.t.  To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.

    As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
    So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
                                                              Judibras
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A noisy exhaust to some almost amounts to a mating call.
%%
An Oklahoma law says that the driver of "any vehicle involved
in an accident resulting in death ... shall immediately stop ...
and give his name and address to the person struck."
%%
An old car that served you so well will continue to serve you until
you have just put four new tires under it and then will fall apart.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
An old cloak makes a new jerkin.
 -- Age-old English Proverb
%%
An old dog slowly being forced to learn new tricks.
%%
An old doting fool, with one foot already in the grave.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
An "old earth saying" is brought up - drink!
%%
An older couple are in bed one night, and the woman wakes up and says,
 "Sam, get up and close the window. It's cold outside." The fellow just
 keeps right on snoring. A little while later, she nudges him and says
 again, "Sam, get up and close the window! It's cold outside." He's about to
 go back to sleep, but she keeps shaking him, and so finally he gets up and
 shuts the window. He gets back into bed and says, "So now it's warm
 outside?"
 -- Myron Cohen
%%
An older lady is mugged and having no cash on hand she asks her
attacker if he will take a check.  The mugger agrees, so she calmly
asks who she should make the check out to.  Not thinking clearly, the
mugger gives the old lady his real name.  The man is arrested in his
home several hours later with the check still in his wallet.
%%
"An older person or a teenager can look at this (rock videos) and see the
 humor in it, but an eight- or ten-year-old isn't anesthetized yet."
 -- Tipper Gore, Washington Wife
%%
An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see
 a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of
 pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking
 enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I
 have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%%
An old friend will help you move.  A good friend will help you move a
dead body.
 -- Jim Hayes, Los Angeles Times, June 9, 1994, pt.E, p.2
%%
        An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
      The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
An old lady sold her house and lot.  The house was pretty deteriorated.
"They're going to tear it down and put in a modulator," she said.
(she meant a modular house).
%%
An old leather bag, bulging with coins, is here.
%%
An old man, broken with the storms of state,
Is come to lay his weary bones among ye:
Give him a little earth for charity!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
An old man lost all his money. Seventy years old, hasn't got a dime. Who
 does he blame? His wife. He says, "If you were a good wife, you'd go out
 and work for me." She says, "What could I do?" He says, "You could be a
 whore!" "I could be a whore?" "You could try." She comes back the next
 morning all stooped over, dirty, disheveled. He says, "You made out?" She
 says, "Certainly I made out. I made twenty-four dollars and ten cents." He
 says, "Who gave you the ten cents?" She says, "Everybody."
 -- Belle Barth
%%
An old spinster was asked what she liked most in men.
"Appearance," she replied "and the sooner the better".
%%
An old stud took his young filly to a barn dance and she gave him the old
 stall after he made a pitch for the loft.
%%
An old timer is one who remembers the time when street people were city
 sanitation workers.
%%
An Oneida, Tennessee, ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song,
"It Ain't Goin' to Rain No Mo'."
%%
An onomatopia is a social-political system that just
sounds good
%%
Anon out of the earth a fabric huge
Rose, like an exhalation.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 710
%%
A non-swappable tag-line is in the way
%%
Anon they move
In perfect phalanx, to the Dorian mood
Of flutes and soft recorders.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 549
%%
An ontological statement utilizing minimal ideograms.
%%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
 -- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
Anonymous message between lovers: N.O.R.W.I.C.H.
 translation: (K)Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home.
%%
An open mind gathers no dust.
%%
An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt.
 -- a saying at RPI
%%
An open mind is wonderful if matching mouth not included.
%%
An operating system is considered to have "crashed" when it halts itself
without being asked to.  The reason for the halt is often unknown.
 -- Sperry 5000 Operators Guide
%%
An oppressed people are authorized whenever they can to rise and breaktheir
fetters.
 -- Henry Clay (1777-1852) American Statesman
 -- Speech,  House of representatives, March 4, 1818
%%
An optimist invented an airplane; a pessimist a parachute
%%
An optimist is a driver who thinks that empty space at the curb
will not have a hydrant beside it.
%%
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will
be postponed.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve.
 -- Ring Lardner
%%
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience
 -- Donald R. Perry Marquis, "archy and mehitabel", 1927
%%
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pessimist is a married optimist.
%%
An optimist is a person who goes to the window every morning and
says, "Good morning, God!" The pessimist goes to the window every
morning and says, "Good god, morning!"
%%
An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a
pessimist sees only the red stoplight. . . The truly wise person is
colorblind.
 -- Albert Schweitzer
%%
An optimist is someone who believes that the secret of eternal life will be
discovered before they die.  A pessimist is someone who believes it will be
discovered before Greg Evans does.
%%
An optimist laughs to forget... a pessimist forgets to la
%%
An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist
 always run to blow it out?
 -- Michel De Saint-Pierre
%%
An optimist -- Someone who hasn't been given all the facts yet.
%%
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
%%
An orange a day keeps the NEA at bay.
%%
An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.
 -- Army Axiom
%%
An ordinance on the books in Flowery Branch, Georgia, reads:
"Be it ordained, and it is hereby ordained, by the Mayor and
Council of the Town ... that on and after this date it shall
be unlawful for any person or persons to holler snake within
the city limits of said town."
%%
An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth.
 -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%%
An original idea can never emerge from a committee in the original.
 -- Charles P. Boyle
%%
An original Tag-Line!
%%
A nose in artificial manure is not studying nature.
%%
A nose that can see is worth two that can sniff.
 -- Eugene Ionesco
%%
A notch off the timing mark.
%%
A note on the wall says: Nakrl Vauis Paris Xazt
%%
Another Armenia, Belgium...the weak innocents who always seem to
  be located on a natural invasion route.
 -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
%%
Another bit of knowledge from the Hollywood Typographer
%%
Another Bizzarre Doughnut Reference
%%
Another brilliant mind ruined by JH.
%%
Another Bruin bites the dust - HEY! HEY!
%%
   Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.
ARTHUR: ... Right!  (to the KNIGHTS) That settles it!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!
%%
Another damned, thick, square book!  Always scribble, scribble, scribble!
Eh, Mr. Gibbon?
%%
Another day, another 68 cents after taxes.
%%
Another day, another challenge.
%%
Another day, another death. Another sorrow, another breath.
 -- From "No Remorse" by Metallica
%%
Another day, another dollar.
 -- Vincent J. Fuller
 -- [defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal]
%%
Another day.. Another job hopelessly botched...
%%
Another day, another ray of hope.
%%
Another day, another sausage...
 -- FZ, "Jezebel Boy"
%%
Another day, another shaving accident.
%%
Another deadline, another miracle
%%
Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American
Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod
vectors."
%%
Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
 -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
%%
Another exploration in black holes of Democratic Spending
%%
Another exploration in the black hole of time
%%
Another fine Good Intentions Paving Co. project!
%%
Another fine product from Bastards Inc.
%%
Another font of knowledge from the Typographer
%%
Another gin and tonic, please.
%%
"Another glorious day in the Corps. A day in the Marine Corps is like a day
 on the farm. Every meal a banquet, every paycheque a fortune, every formation
 a parade. I love the Corps!"
 -- Apone, "Aliens"
%%
Another glorious Sierra day in which one seems to be dissolved and absorbed
and sent pulsing onward we know not where. Life seems neither long nor
short, and we take no more heed to save time or make haste than do the
trees and stars. This is true freedom, a good practical sort of
immortality.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Another good day; the computer is still working!
%%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%%
Another great idea from the man who brought you Beer Milkshakes!
%%
   [Another hideous roar.]
BEDEVERE: That's it!
ARTHUR:   What?
BEDEVERE: It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Another lazy day rolls by and yet I hear no reply...
%%
Another lean unwashed artificer.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Another lesson I learned was not to give pieces of my company away when
 it was small in exchange for investment capital.   In the first place,
 those shares would be worth millions today.  Even more important, when
 you bring in shareholders, the government can start looking around at
 your business and telling you what to do, and let me tell you, the
 government knows *nothing* about running a business!
 -- John McCormack, _Self-Made in America_
%%
Another Liberal Lemming leaps off the cliff to oblivion!
%%
         Another Lonely Man
He's just another lonely man
Hugs his knees and soaks his bed
He holds his head with shaking hands
Watching teardrops falling red

And WHO will save this dying man
Hold his head and clear his eyes
And let him walk YOUR fertile lands
Who will help him, who will try?

No one,
He's just another lonely man
%%
Another megabytes bites the dust.
%%
Another message from Danny's demented and deluded mind.
%%
Another morn
Ris'n on mid-noon.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book v, Line 310
%%
Another nearly-full box of Smarties.
%%
Another of his sayings was, that education was the best viaticum of old age.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xi
%%
Another one bites the dust...
%%
Another person's secret is like another person's money:  you are not as
careful with it as you are with your own.
 -- E.W. Howe
%%
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%%
Another proud wearer of white walk socks.
%%
Another Quality Anouncement from you friendly postie!
%%
Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
%%
Another's sword has laid him low,
  Another's and another's;
And every hand that dealt the blow--
  Ah me! it was a brother's!
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- O'Connor's Child, Stanza 10
%%
Another time we were driving up the highway and saw a bindery named
Muscle Bound.  I said to my parents
  "Jeff thinks he's muscle-bound"
to which he replied
  "Muscle-bound?  I'm already there!"
%%
Another toy that helped destroy the elder race of man?
   ...forget about your silly whim; it doesn't fit the plan.
 -- Rush
%%
Another tumble! That 's his precious nose!
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Parental Ode to my Infant Son
%%
Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of
immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before.
 -- Edith Warton
%%
Another victim of Modem Addictus.
%%
Another victory like that and we are done for: Pyrrhus
%%
Another war...must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
  in this way?...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death...
 -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
%%
Another was, "Watch your opportunity."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pittacus, vii
%%
Another way to look at this is: if your computer is not capable of
 saturating *your* I/O bandwidth, you may be pissing away *your*
 wetware power. And last I checked, mine isn't increasing exponentially...
 -- Dan Mocsny ([e-mail])
%%
...Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it.
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
 -- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46
%%
Another, yet the same.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book iii, Line 90
%%
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
 Reads the sign o'er the head
  Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."
%%
An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.
 -- Friedrich Engels
%%
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
 -- Booker
%%
An ounce of butter is worth a shilling of trombones.
%%
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
%%
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
 -- John Junor
%%
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
 -- Michael Korda
%%
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
 -- Peter's Placebo
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
 -- Proverb
%%
An ounce of performance is worth more than a pound of preachment.
 -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
%%
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
%%
An ounce of prevention is a 1/16 pound of prevention.
%%
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but management won't pay a
penny for it.
 -- Weinberg's Programming Principle #5
%%
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
%%
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code.
 -- an anonymous programmer
%%
An ounce of security is worth a pound of defense.
%%
An ounce of sequins can be worth a pound of home cooking.
 -- Marilyn vos Savant
%%
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
%%
An ounce of wit that is bought is worth a pound that is taught.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
A noun's a special kind of word.
It's ev'ry name you ever heard.
I find it quite interesting,
A noun's a person, place or thing.
%%
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than
 a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
 -- Mahatma Ghandi
%%
An outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- Catechism
%%
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes
 most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing
 nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in
 the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
 power-down sequence.
 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building,
 which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it,
 since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool.
%%
An over the hill astronaut requests a slower capsule.
%%
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
one of the best programmer in the world. Why is this?"

The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the
system crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone
beyond the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else
sees his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his
programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their
purpose self-evident.  Truly, he has entered the mystery of Tao."
%%
A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometime runs and
sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am
totally baffled. What is the reason for this?"

The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.
Why do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?
Computers simulate determinism; only Tao is prefect.

The rules of programming are transitory; only Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate Tao before you receive enlightenment."

"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
novice.

"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
%%
A novice asked the master: "What is the true meaning of programming?"

The master replied: "Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are fatigued,
program when the moment is right."
 -- The Zen of Programming
%%
  A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke
sternly- "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
understanding of what is going wrong."
  Knight turned the machine off and on.
  The machine worked.
 -- AI koan
%%
A novice went into the master's cubicle and saw a new computer sitting upon
the master's desk.
"What is that computer?" asked the novice.
The master placed his hand upon a small box that was connected to the computer
by a wire.  "Behold," said the master, "This device controls what we see on the
screen.  The screen simulates a desk.  For example, here is a filing cabinet
and a trash depository.  Here also is a typewriter and a calculator."
"This is a wonderful invention," whispered the novice in awe.
"It is not as wonderful as it seems," said the master. "Can you see the two
desks?"
The novice nodded.  "One is on the floor, the other is on the screen," he
remarked.
"Just so.  Now, is there something missing on one of the two desks?"
The novice pondered for a moment.  "One of the desks does not have a computer
on it," he said.
The master shook his head.  "Neither of the desks has a computer on it."
 -- The Zen of Programming
%%
An ow du I get dis gloo bottle out of my noz?
%%
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
%%
An oyster may be crossed in love.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Critic, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Ansi does it in the standard way.
%%
ANSI is a person who can't sit still.
%%
ANSI is banned at San Quentin; too many escape sequences!
%%
Ansi-Phreak Seal of Approval
%%
Answer a fool according to his folly.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvi, 5
%%
Answering machine message
 "Da, zis iz Ivan. If zis iz Boris, pleez leave ze zecret information at ze
 beep."
%%
Answering machine message: (In an operator-like voice)
 We're sorry, the number you have dialed, 123-4567, has been changed.
 The new number is 123-4567. Please hang up and try your call again.
%%
Answering machine message
 My answering machine now has the new AT&T incoming phone caller I.D. digital
 print-out. So leave a message or I'll know you hung up on my machine...
%%
Answering machine message
 "Thank you for calling the [insert city name here] Opera Auditioning
 Hotline! At the tone, sing one of your favorite pieces, and leave a short
 message containing your name and phone number."
%%
Answering machine message
 "Thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline! At the tone, your telephone
 handset will disintegrate, sending jagged shrapnel straight through your
 brain, killing you instantaneously. [dramatic pause] BEEEEP!"
%%
Answering machine message
 "Thank you for calling the United States War Department. At the tone, please
 leave your name, phone number, and a brief message with the name of the
 country you wish to invade.
%%
Answer is easier when the question is hypothetical.
%%
Answer just what your heart prompts you.
%%
Answer me in one word.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Answers price list:
Answers......................................... $1.00
Answers (requiring thought)..................... $2.00
Answers (correct)............................... $3.00
Dumb looks ..................................... FREE!
%%
Antagoras the poet was boiling a conger, and Antigonus, coming behind
him as he was stirring his skillet, said, "Do you think, Antagoras,
that Homer boiled congers when he wrote the deeds of Agamemnon?" Antagoras
replied, "Do you think, O king, that Agamemnon, when he did such exploits,
was a peeping in his army to see who boiled congers?"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Antigonus I
%%
ANT
  A small insect, about as big as an ant. Ants are known to inhabit
  anywhere there's food left lying around, especially foods
  containing sugar or other sweet substances. Consequently, ants
  suffer large amounts of tooth decay, since none of the major
  toothbrush manufacturers have seen fit to produce a toothbrush a
  suitable size for ants. Ants and grasshoppers have a life-long feud
  happening, after some fable encouraging long-term investment in the
  money market got written by a well known ant author. The easiest
  way to kill an ant is to step on it. [See also: Ant, Recursion,
  Dentistry, Grasshopper]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Ant Boy calmly prepares to execute his new friend ant-style...
by PINCHING OFF HIS HEAD!
 -- Ant Boy
%%
Antelope freeway--1/1024 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/128 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/16 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/256 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/2 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/32 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/4 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/512 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/64 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1/8 mile.
%%
Antelope freeway--1 mile.
%%
Antelope - Someone who is against all lopes.
%%
Antenna coupling: insect foreplay.
%%
Antenna farms benefit from propagation.
%%
Anthropologists do it with culture.
%%
Anticipated events never live up to expectations.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Anticipation of problems is half the battle. And the only way to
anticipate is to think.
%%
Anticipation: Waiting for Windows to load.
%%
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
%%
Anti-Gravity Device :
 David Almosder has seen the result of his 35
  years effort of building an anti-gravity device.
      Now he's planning on spending the next 35 years
       fingering out why the device doesn't work very well
   up side down.
%%
Anti-Mickeys of the world: Unite
%%
Anti-paranoia is that eerie feeling that nothing is
connected to anything else
%%
ANTIPATHY, n.  The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Antiphanes said merrily, that in a certain city the cold was so intense
that words were congealed as soon as spoken, but that after some time
they thawed and became audible; so that the words spoken in winter
were articulated next summer.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Man's Progress in Virtue
%%
Antique collectors do it for old times sake.
%%
ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE
%%
"Antiquitas saeculi juventus mundi." These times are the ancient times,
when the world is ancient, and not those which we account ancient
ordine retrogrado, by a computation backward from ourselves.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Advancement of Learning, Book i, (1605.)
%%
Anti-Sabbatical:
      A job taken with the sole intention of staying only for a
limited period of time (often one year). The intention is to raise
enough funds to partake in another, more personally meaningful
activity such as watercolor sketching in Crete or designing computer
knit sweaters in Hong Kong. Employers are rarely informed of
intentions.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Anti-Semites -- another name for "failures."
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
Antisesquipedalial:
 Opposed to the use of large words.
%%
Antisthenes used to say that envious people were devoured by their
own disposition, just as iron is by rust.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Antisthenes, iv
%%
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude
%%
Anti-Victim Device (AVD):
 A small fashion accessory worn on an otherwise conservative
outfit which announces to the world that one still has a spark of
individuality burning inside: 1940s retro ties and earrings (on men),
feminist buttons, noserings (women), and now almost completely extinct
teeny weeny rattail haircut (both sexes).
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Anti-woman, anti-gay, born again bigots go away!
%%
Antlers in the Tree Tops by Who Goosed the Moose
%%
Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%%
Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment.  They farm
fungi, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into wars, use chemical
sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves, engage in child
labor, exchange information ceaselessly.  They do everything but watch
television.
 -- Lewis Thomas
%%
Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is useful
 information if you're moving out and you need help getting a potato chip
 across town.
 -- Ron Darian
%%
Ants would starve in your house if ants would come into it.
%%
A nuclear power plant is infinitely safer than eating,
because 300 people choke to death on food every year.
 -- Dixy Lee Ray, 1977, quoted from "Loose Talk"
%%
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%%
A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.
%%
A nudist is just a person in a one-button suit.
%%
A nudist is one who suffers from clothostrophobia.
%%
A nudist wedding makes the best man easy to identify.
%%
An ugly carpet will last forever.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
An ulcer is what you get mountain-climbing over molehills.
%%
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 -- Van Roy's Law
%%
An unconscious troll is sprawled on the floor.
All passages out of the room are open.
%%
An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.
 -- Robert A. Humphrey
%%
An undertaker calls a son-in-law: "About your mother-in-law, should we
 embalm her, cremate her, or bury her?" He says, "Do all three. Don't take
 chances."
 -- Myron Cohen
%%
An undevout astronomer is mad.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Night Thoughts, Night ix, Line 771
%%
An unemployed Court Jester is nobody's fool.
%%
An unexpectedly easy-to-handle sequence of events will be immediately
followed by an equally long sequence of trouble.
 -- Charles Phelps
%%
An unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- School for Scandal, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
An unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man's entire
existence.
 -- Honore de Balzac
%%
An unhappy voter told the candidate, "I wouldn't vote for you if you were
 St. Peter himself." To which the candidate replied, "If I were St. Peter,
 you COULDN'T vote for me, since you would not be in my district."
%%
AN UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE - The guy who started the rumor originally
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
An unlesson'd girl, unschool'd, unpractised;
Happy in this, she is not yet so old
But she may learn.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
An unreflected light did never yet
Dazzle the vision feminine.
 -- Sir Henry Taylor (1800-?)
 -- Philip Van Artevelde, Part i, Act i, Sc. 5
%%
An unsupervised teenager with a modem is as dangerous as an
 unsupervised teenager with a gun.
 -- Gail Thackeray, Arizona Ass. State Attorney
%%
An untimely grave.
 -- Thomas Carew (1589-1639)
 -- On the Duke of Buckingham
%%
An upright judge, a learned judge!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A nurse a day keeps the doctor away.
%%
Anus - Latin word denoting a period of time.
[The Latin word is "annus".
"anus" has in Latin the same meaning as in English - Antonio]
%%
Anuther grate mind ruened bi thu educashin sistym.
%%
"Anxiety and conscience are a powerful pair of
 dynamos.  Between them, they have ensured that one
 shall work hard, but they cannot ensure that one
 will work at anything worthwhile."
 -- Arnold Toynbee
%%
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged,
it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
 -- Arthur Somers Roche
%%
Anxiety is fear of one's self.
 -- Wilhelm Stekel
%%
Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
 -- Dean Inge
%%
Anxiety is nature's way of getting you out of bed on time.
%%
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
 -- Soren Kierkegaard
%%
Anxiety, n.:
  The first time you can't do it a second time.

Panic, n.:
   The second time you can't do it the first time.
%%
An xplaination...
%%
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
%%
Any active moves you make tomorrow will backfire, so stay home.
%%
Any American can become President. Clinton proved that.
%%
Any appeasement of tyranny is treason to this republic and to the
democratic ideal.
 -- William Allen White
%%
Any argument carried far enought will end up in semantics.
 -- Hartz' Law of Rhetoric
%%
Any arguments worth making within the bureaucracy must be
capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence
that is obviously true once stated.
 -- McNaughton's Rule
%%
Anybody abuse rental cars? If I'm really bored I'll take one to Earl Scheib
 and have it painted for $29.95. This really messes up their paperwork for
 months and months. The thing that bothers me is when you have to return one
 with a full tank of gas. It makes everybody mad. They say bring it back
 full. You know what I do now? I just top it off with a garden hose.
 -- Wil Shriner
%%
Anybody can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the
right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not within everybody's
power and is not easy.
 -- Aristotle
%%
Anybody can make a fortune. It takes genius to hold on to one.
 -- Jay Gould
%%
Anybody can say they'll do something, few actualize it.
%%
Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.
 -- George Ada (1866-1944)
%%
Anybody got a cigarette? Thanks very much, sir--I left mine in the machine.
 -- London Lee
%%
Anybody got a cure for a serious
case of Senioritis??
%%
Anybody got a magnet?
%%
Anybody got any itch cream?
%%
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No
citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining the government.
%%
Anybody heard of a meme???
%%
Anybody in the audience with a New York license plate BL 758367458959473
 62847456578392610284 will you kindly move it. Your license plate is
 blocking traffic.
 -- Bill Dana
%%
Anybody know some good Mark jokes?
%%
Any body of men who believe in hell will persecute whenever they have
the power.
 -- Joseph M. McCabe (1867-1957)
%%
Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.
 -- 7th Doctor, GREATEST SHOW IN THE GALAXY
%%
Any body seen my Serial number....?   I lost it...
%%
Any body seen my tagline...?  I lost it...
%%
Any body want to buy a used car?  hehehehe
%%
Anybody want to buy a used cold?
%%
Anybody who acts normal nowadays, they're probably just not well. I'm
 telling you, I just don't understand. If I go too fast, I'll run into
 something. If I go too slow, something'll run into me.
 -- Moms Mabley
%%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably
parked.
%%
Anybody who'd run a COMM program is a COMMIE.
%%
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
 program!
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Anybody who has any doubt about the ingenuity or the resourcefulness
of a plumber never got a bill from one.
%%
Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned -- I
support your right to enjoy it.  However, I would appreciate it if you
exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to
share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination.
 -- Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa Book"
%%
Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
 -- David Broder
%%
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared
 brain dead.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%%
Any bureaucracy reorganised to enhance efficiency
is immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.
 -- Soper's Law
%%
Any burocracy that operates in secrecy inevitably lends itself to
 corruption.
 -- Major Briggs, from Twin Peaks
%%
Any business arrangement that is not profitable to the other person
will in the end prove unprofitable for you.  The bargain that yields
mutual satisfaction is the only one that is apt to be repeated.
 -- B. C. Forbes
%%
Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others
are out of service or full.
 -- John Corcoran
%%
Any certainty is a delusion.
%%
Any change or reform you make
is going to have consequences you don't like.
 -- Udall's Fourth Law
%%
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,
two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under
development.
%%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an Art.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

[Having the facts is hard.]
%%
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
 -- Steve Connelly
%%
Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is
an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
 -- Eagleson's Law
%%
Any college that would take your son he should be too proud to go to.
                 - Erma Bombeck

 The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when
 he comes home from work.
 -- Dr. William H. Masters
%%
Any comments I may make are not necessarily those of my employer.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any comments or statements made are not necessarily those of my
Corporation, its subsidiaries or affiliates.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any comments, suggestions, or howls of pain?
%%
Any corporation with a minimum one thousand (1,000) work force becomes
 an autonomous entity, in which enough administrative paperwork is generated
 to make external contacts superfluous.
 -- Parkinson's Law (also known as Thousand Principle)
%%
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
 -- Murray's Rule
%%
Any coward can fight a battle when he is sure of winning; but give me
the man who has pluck to fight when he's sure of losing.  That's my way,
sir; and there are many victories worse than a defeat.
 -- George Eliot
%%
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
mountain in a fog.  But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
than in bed.  What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
Is there a better way to die?
 -- Charles Lindbergh
%%
Any day can be the beginning of a new year.
%%
Any disclaimer issued by me is subject to change without notice.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any discovery is more likely to be exploited by the wicked than applied
by the virtuous.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Any dish that tastes good with capers in it tastes even better with capers
 not in it.
 -- Nora Ephron
%%
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
 -- Richard Schickel
%%
Any effort that has self-glorification as its final endpoint is bound
to end in disaster.
 -- Robert M. Pirsig
%%
Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses liquor in any form, or
frequents pool and public halls, or gets shaved in a barber shop, will give me
good reasons to suspect his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
 -- Work Rule
%%
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
 -- The RPCISPE's Second Universal Law
%%
Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
%%
Any escape might help to smooth the unatractive truth, but the suburbs have
 no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth.
 -- Neil Peart
%%
Any event, once it has occurred,
can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
 -- Lee Simonson
%%
Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse
%%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
 -- Aesop (620-560 B.C.)
%%
Any expressed opinions are mine; but feel free to share.
I disclaim all responsibilities, all shapes, all sizes, all colors.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any fact is better established by two or three good testimonies than by
a thousand arguments.
 -- Nathaniel Emmons
%%
Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the
desired result, are fair facts for the argument.
 -- Fairfax's Law
%%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
whole week.
%%
Any fool can count the seeds in an apple.  Only God can count all the
apples in one seed.
%%
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
 -- Dale Carnegie
%%
Any fool can moderate, and many of them do.
%%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
%%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902), "Notebooks" 1912
%%
Any fully matured science of ecology will have to grapple with the fact that
 from the ecological point of view, man is one of those animals which is in
 danger from its too successful participation in the struggle for existence.
 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
Any general system law will have at least two particular applications.
 -- The Law of Happy Particularities
 -- Gerald Weinberg
%%
Any general system law will have at
least two peculiar exceptions.
 -- The Law of Unhappy Peculiarities
 -- Gerald Weinberg
%%
Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand still and
look stupid.
 -- Hedy Lamarr
%%
"Any girl that looks that innocent just got to be called Lucille!"
 -- George Kennedy in Cool Hand Luke, as recalled by Paul Piana
 -- after last call on 25 cent beer night in The Operating Room.
%%
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is
through his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
%%
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
 -- The Second Law of Computer Programming
%%
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
 -- The First Law of Computer Programming
%%
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
 -- The Fifth Law of Computer Programming
%%
Any give program, when running, needs debugging.  Any debugged program
is obsolete.
%%
Any government will work if authority and responsibility are equal and
coordinate. This does not insure "good" government; it simply insures
that it will work. But such governments are rare--most people want to
run things but want no part of the blame. This used to be called the
"backseat-driver syndrome."
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche.
 A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance,
 my grandmother used to say, 'The black cat is always the last one off
 the fence.'  I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
 undoubtedly true.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Any great work of art . . . revives and readapts time and space, and
the measure of its success is the extent to which it makes you an
inhabitant of that world -- the extent to which it invites you in
and lets you breathe its strange, special air.
 -- Leonard Bernstein
%%
Any hack can safely rail away at foreign powers beyond the sea; but a good
writer is a critic of the society he lives in.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Any idiot can face a crisis.
 It's this day-to-day living that wears you out.
 -- Anton Cechov
%%
Any illusion requires both time and space to be experienced.
%%
    Any impatient student of mathematics or science or
engineering who is irked by having algebraic symbolism thrust
upon him should try to get along without it for a week.
 -- Eric Temple Bell
%%
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did
occur, will occur.
 -- H. S. Kindler
%%
Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration,
may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner
for reasons that are either totally obscure or completely mysterious.
 -- Dr. Fyodor Flap
%%
Any intelligent consumer knows what a warranty means.  It means that whatever
happens isn't covered.
%%
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more
 violent.  It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move
 in the opposite direction.
 -- E. F. Schumacher
%%
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
 -- Fahnstock's Third Law of Debate
%%
Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
 -- Sam Rayburn
%%
Any job worth doing is worth complaining about.
%%
Any key pressed.
 -- WinError #8
%%
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
 -- Red Skelton
%%
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one!
 -- Gerald R. Massie, U.S. Army Air Forces photographer.
 -- Written in 1944 after the crash-landing of his B-17.
%%
Any large system is going to be operating most of the time in failure mode.
 -- Dr. John Gall
%%
Any life, no matter how long and complex it may be, is made up of a single
moment- the moment in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is.
 -- Jorge Luis Borges
%%
Any line, however short, is still too long.
 -- Sam's Axiom (1)
%%
Any man can prove he has good judgment by saying you have.
%%
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
requires a heroism which is transcendent.
 -- Henry Ward Beecher
%%
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder.  But not any man is
 capable of being a good camper.  So, murder and camping are not as similar as
 you might think.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Any man that can write, may answer a letter.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to
see them misunderstood.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
 -- Leo Rosten [on W. C. Fields]
%%
Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man
who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, speaking of Albert Einstein
%%
Any map or chart on which the town of Lima, Ohio, is not
prominently figured is banned from sale in that town.
%%
Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple
 his world.   To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than
 against them is to attain literacy.
 -- Alan Kay, Computer Software, Scientific American, September 1984
%%
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a
fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a
cat.
 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
%%
Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-
evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered
that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the
influence of the occupant.
%%
Any mind that is capable of a real sorrow is capable of good.
%%
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
 -- Robbin's Minimax Rule of Government
%%
Any Moderators here? <> Any more?
%%
Any more and it would be illegal!
%%
Any more of this and I'll die of a stroke before I'm 30.
%%
Any more than three shakes is fun.
%%
Any movement in history which attempts to perpetuate itself, becomes
reactionary.
 -- Josef Broz Tito (1892-1980)
%%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%%
Any new form is always longer and more complicated than the one it replaces.
 -- Hanson's Law on Progress
%%
Any nitwit can understand computers.  Many do.
 -- Ted Nelson
%%
Any nose
May ravage with impunity a rose.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Sordello, Book vi
%%
Any offense taken is *only* in the mind of the offended.  ;-)
%%
Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of
 course, living in a state of sin.
 -- John Von Neumann
%%
Anyone can act,
   But turn out the lights and
   ain't no one gonna see ya
   do it ;-)
%%
Anyone can ba a barbarian; it requires a terrible effort to remain a
civilized man.
 -- Leonard Sidney Woolf
%%
Anyone can be a navigator if he can tell his arse from his elbow!
Well, that's Baldrick out, I fear...
We're always looking for talented types to join the twenty-minuters!
...and there goes George...
 -- Flasheart and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Anyone can be great with money. With money, greatness is not a talent
but an obligation. The trick is to be great without money.
 -- Italo Bombolini
%%
Any one can be unhappy, but it takes extra effort and learning to
make oneself unhappy.
 -- Watzliawick, 'The Situation is Hopeless, but not Serious' 1966.
%%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
Anyone can grab a Tiger by the balls,
but it takes a real man to squeeze!
 -- Anonymous
%%
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
 -- John Williamson
%%
Any one can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 358
%%
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
%%
Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.
 -- Cicero
%%
Anyone can suck a toothpick!!
%%
Anyone can walk on water, just know where the rocks are.
%%
Anyone can write on the walls but it takes inventiveness to skywrite with
 an air hose.
%%
Anyone could do it with manuals...
%%
Anyone entrusted with power will abuse it if not also animated with
the love of truth and virtue, no matter whether he be a prince, or
one of the people.
 -- Jean de la Fontaine
%%
Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Danny?
%%
Anyone got a good TAGLINE for me ?
%%
Anyone got pun Taglines?
%%
Anyone have a coat hanger? My brain itches.
%%
Anyone looking for Q, or Star Trek taglines?
%%
Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor
doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.
 -- Alvin Toffler
%%
Anyone noticed how Spock is beginning to act like Sybok?
%%
Anyone South of the border are Mexicans.
%%
Any one thing in the creation is sufficient to demonstrate a Providence
to an humble and grateful mind.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Chap. xvi
%%
Anyone trying to split hairs will always find someone who has a sharper knife.
 -- Jim Hurley ([e-mail]) 21 Sep 90
%%
Anyone want a burger? It has cheese on both sides!
%%
Anyone who believes exponential growth can go on forever in a finite
world is either a madman or an economist.
 -- Kenneth Boulding
%%
Anyone who calls it "sexual intercourse" can't possibly be interested in
 actually doing it. You might as well announce you're ready for lunch by
 proclaiming, "I'd like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting."
 -- Allan Sherman
%%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
 -- Al Capp, in "Esquire", 1970
%%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat."
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
Anyone who disagrees is a Fascist.
 -- Liberal Rule # 4
%%
Anyone who disagrees is unAmerican.
 -- Conservative Rule #2
%%
Anyone who doesn't believe as you do is a bigot.
 -- Liberal Rule #15
%%
Anyone who doesn't believe as you do is a fascist.
 -- Liberal Rule #16
%%
Anyone who doesn't believe as you do is an idiot.
 -- Liberal Rule #17
%%
Anyone who doesn't believe as you do is intolerant.
 -- Liberal Rule #14
%%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
 -- John Dewey
%%
Anyone who has ever raised rabbits will appreciate the humor/dilemma implied:

Q. how many rabbits does it take to fill a Volkswagon?

A. two.
%%
Anyone who has got a book collection/library and a garden
wants for nothing.
 -- Cicero
%%
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
 -- Philippus Paracelsus
%%
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account
be allowed to do the job.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Anyone who is concerned about his dignity would be well advised to keep
 away from horses.
 -- Duke of Edinburgh
%%
Anyone who isn't confused doesn't really know what's going on.
 -- Edward R. Murrow
%%
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
 -- Edward R. Murrow
%%
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
 -- Berra's Second Law
%%
Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes
are impossible without the feminine ferment.  Social progress can
be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex (the ugly
ones included).
 -- Karl Marx (1818-1883)
%%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.
 -- Lionel Stander
%%
Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
%%
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
%%
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavour, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress - in direct proportion to the
importance of his original contribution.
 -- Jones' First Law
%%
Anyone who remembers the 60's...wasn't there.
%%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
 -- Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom
%%
Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
Anyone who thinks Japan is going to export democracy to China must be
 smoking pot.
 -- Richard M. Nixon
%%
Anyone who tries to `enlighten' you is probably selling something.
 -- Jen Howard.
%%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby"
 has never tried taking candy from a baby.
 -- Robin Hood
%%
Anyone who volunteers to meet you half way in a discussion or any form of
 disagreement also believes that they are currently standing right on the
 dividing line.
%%
Anyone who wants to be paid for writing software is a fascist asshole.
 -- Richard M. Stallman
%%
Anyone who wants to can call themselves a pervert or a queer,
but slut is a compliment you have to earn.
%%
Anyone who wears a coat and tie on their day off, unless that person is
 going to or coming from a funeral home, is certainly not above suspicion.
%%
Anyone with a clear conscience has a foggy memory.
%%
"Anyone with an active mind lives on tentatives
 rather than tenets."
 -- Robert Frost
%%
"Anyone without 2,000,000 sunblock is gonna have a really bad day!"
 -- Sarah Connor
%%
Any opinion expressed is mine, no matter where I got it from, and I retain
 all rights to it, should it actually prove to be of any value.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any opinions are mine, not any other physical, legal, conceptual
or spiritual entity's.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
%%
Any ordinarily easy task can be rendered far more difficult with research.
%%
Any ordinary city is in fact two cities, one the city of the poor, the
other of the rich, each at war with the other; and in either division
there are smaller ones -- you would make a great mistake if you treated
them as single states.
 -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), "The Republic"
%%
Any ordinary man can surround himself with two thousand books and thenceforth
have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy.
 -- Augustine Birrell
%%
An you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your
heels than fortunes before you.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act ii, Sc. 5
%%
Any party which takes credit for the rain
must not be surprised if its opponents blame it for the draught.
 -- Dwight W. Morrow (1873-1931)
%%
Any person under the age of thirty, who, having any knowledge of the
existing social order, is not a revolutionist, is an inferior.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
 -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit
him is a Communist.
 -- Alvin Dark
%%
Any plumbing pipes you choose to replace during renovation will prove to be
in excellent condition; those you decide to leave in place will be rotten.
 -- Lew Phelps
%%
Any point of sail is a beat if you're going fast enough.
%%
Any policy leading to portfolio turnover is like one leading to war or
 litigation: it's self-destructive, enriches the wrong people, and cancels
 out in the end.
 -- John Train
%%
Any pre-cut equipment is too short. This is specially true of optic fiber
 cables with expensive connectors at both ends.
 -- Vuilleumier's First Law
%%
Any president should have the right to shoot
at least two people a year without explanation.
 -- Herbert Hoover (1874-1964) [discussing the press]
%%
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Any problem in your home can be fixed, except that leaking faucet.
%%
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
 -- Meissner's Law
%%
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
%%
Any program that calls itself an OS (e.g. "MSDOS") isn't one.
 -- Geoff Collyer
%%
Any questions?  Call the Partnership for a Democrat Free America.
%%
"Any Questions? [pause] You all look asleep - what is it,
 hyperglucocemia? Too much sugar on your cornflakes? Not any
 cornflakes? Never mind - I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed, so let's
 continue."
%%
Any race that doesn't use all its potential will always stop short
of its possibilities.
 -- Jose Torres
%%
Any reform must be accounted a success which does not
have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.
%%
Any relationship between AT&T and science fiction is purely coincidental
as is any relationship between my views and theirs.
%%
Any religion that rejects coffee worships a false god.
%%
Any renovation project on an old house will cost twice as much and
take three times as long as originally estimated.
 -- Lew Phelps
%%
Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
coincidental.  Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
non-deterministic.  The question of the existence of views in the
absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
the second god coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is
  preposterous.  He or she is like a person who has put on full armor
  and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut
%%
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.  Climb the
mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.  From the top of
the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
 -- Bene Gesserit proverb
%%
Any ship can be a minesweeper...once.
%%
Any shower that keeps the kids inside for a full weekend can be called a
 rain of terror.
%%
Any shrine is better than self-worship.
%%
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
 -- Malek's Law
%%
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if
enough meetings are held to discuss it.
 -- Mitchell's Law of Committees
%%
Any single standard will split into at least two semi-compatible standards
within the cycle time of the fastest
existing computer.
%%
Any slogan simple enough to fit on a button is too
simple to do any good.
%%
Any slower and he'd be in reverse.
 -- Gignac
%%
Any small object that is accidentally dropped
will hide under a larger object.
%%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
 -- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Any socialism involves more slavery than democracy.
%%
Any soldier worth his salt should be antiwar. And still there are
things worth fighting for.
 -- General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
%%
Any sort of violence done from hate of something or someone will only have
detrimental effects - on you!
 -- Xavier R. Quinton
%%
Any statistic that can be found which is interesting can be credited to the
 fact that this particular statistic is a mistake. If it is not a mistake,
 it is a misprint, and if it is not a misprint, it is unlawful release of
 classified information.
%%
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient
 to exactly the point of most pressure.
 -- Milt Barber
%%
Any subject can be made interesting, and therefore any subject can be
made boring.
 -- Hilaire Belloc
%%
Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
%%
Any sufficiently advanced feature is indistinguishable from a bug.

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
 -- Rich Kulawiec
%%
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
 -- Niven's Law
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
 -- Andy Finkel
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
 -- Arthur C. Clarke (1917-)
 -- Profiles of the Future (1962; rev. 1973)
 -- "Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination"
 -- Clarke's Third Law
%%
Any sufficiently high technology is indistinguishable
from doubletalk.
%%
Any sufficiently low technology is indistinguishable
from hard work.
%%
Any Sysops here?  <<>>  Any more?
%%
Any system must be designed to withstand the worst possible set of
circumstances.
 -- Sodd's Second Law, Corollary 1
%%
Any system supplied by three or more vendors will not work.
%%
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
 -- Nogg's Postulate
%%
Any system which cannot be well taught to a layman in *ten minutes*,
by a tutor in the presence of a responding setup, is too complicated
 -- Ted Nelson
%%
Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently
estimated.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXIII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
 -- Grossman's Dilemma
%%
Any team can win if they are better.
%%
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and
money.
 -- Lerman's Law of Technology
You are never given enough money.
 -- Lerman's Corollary
%%
Any technology distinguishable from magic is
insufficiently advanced.
%%
Any theorem in mathematical analysis can be fitted onto an arbitrarily small
piece of paper if you are sufficiently obscure.
%%
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional
assumptions.
 -- Robert E. Schenk
%%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
 -- Emmett Grogan
%%
Anything but history, for history must be false.
 -- Sir Robert Walpole (1676-1745)
 -- Walpoliana, No. 141
%%
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
 -- Wyszkowski's Second Law
%%
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
 -- Claude Shouse ([e-mail])

Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.
 -- Joseph C. Wang ([e-mail])
%%
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
 -- Flucard's Corollary
%%
"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
"That was the curious incident."
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
%%
Anything for a quiet life.
 -- Title of a play by Middleton
%%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%%
Anything goes (well, sorta).
%%
 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
 -- Pardo's First Postulate
 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
 -- Arnold's Addendum
%%
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
 -- Robert A. Jackson
%%
Anything I do is purely coincidental.
%%
Anything I make can become a cause for my sorrow.
%%
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
 -- Seeger's Law
%%
Anything is art if the artist says it is.
 -- Marcel Duchamp, Dadas on Art
%%
Anything is better than Julius.  I think that is why Ceasar got
assassinated. I took the name of Groucho because I always look solemn, I
guess.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
 -- Washlesky's Law
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
 -- Rucnicki's Rule
%%
Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough.
 -- Mrs. Weiler's Law
%%
Anything is impossible, if you don't attempt it.
%%
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
 -- Bill Gray
%%
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
 -- Green's Law of Debate
%%
Anything is possible in NetHack, unless it's not.
%%
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
%%
Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially
scared me to death.
 -- Betty Bender
%%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means
 the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
 means the price went way up.
 -- Hershiser's Rules
%%
Anything left over today will be needed tomorrow to pay an unexpected bill.
 -- Betty Canary
%%
Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
    Commentary:
In this case, 'everything' may be viewed as a subset of
'anything.'
 -- Law of Arbitrary Distiction
%%
Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isn't.
 -- HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE
%%
Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at very
high level for a short time.
 -- John Culshaw
%%
Anything not a constant, is not a commandment from God.
%%
Anything not nailed down is a baby's toy.
%%
Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well.  Think about it.
 -- Elias Schwartz
%%
Anything once assembled, will fall apart.
%%
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
%%
Anything over a handful is for the other hand.
%%
Anything preying on Danny's mind would starve to death.
%%
Anything scarce is valuable: praise, for example!
%%
Anything simple is stated in the most complicated manner.
%%
Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.
%%
Anything sufficiently bizzarre is indistinguishable from the truth.
 -- Steve Gardner
%%
Anything that begins well, ends badly; Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
 -- Pudder's Law
%%
Anything that begins well will end badly.
(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
 -- Pudder's Law
%%
Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is
no time left to change anything.
 -- First Law of Corporate Planning
%%
Anything that can be improved, is not yet finished.
%%
         Anything that can go wr
 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
 -- 43rd Law of Computing
%%
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong,
and at the worst possible time.
 -- Murphy's Third Law
%%
Anything that can happen will happen,
unless your test plan provides for it to happen.
 -- Weinberg's Programming Principle #3
%%
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
%%
Anything that doesn't kill me makes me stranger.
%%
Anything that gets you free money is illegal.
%%
Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least
once more.
%%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%%
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
 -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead.
%%
Anything that possibly can go wrong, *^%(@#*% NO CARRIER
%%
Anything that satisfies its external specifications, no matter how
inefficient it is, is a success; don't argue with it.
%%
Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Anything U can conceive and believe U can achieve.
%%
Anything will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite.
%%
Anything works better on a pentium....try it, buy it!
%%
Anything worth doing is worth delegating.
%%
Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. You can do better the next time.
%%
Anything worth doing well is worth doing slowly.
 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
%%
Anything you can do I can do better; anything I can do YOU can do better;
anything I can do I can do better; anything IBM does will cost more money.
%%
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #15
%%
Anything you don't understand is dangerous until you do
understand it...
%%
Anything you're good at contributes to happiness.
 Bertrand Russel, mathematician and philosopher
%%
Anything you say, Baby.
%%
Anything you say, man...
%%
Anything you say will be distorted and remixed and used against you.
%%
Anything you still can't cope with is your own problem.
 -- Becki Tants
%%
 Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 22
%%
Anythin's better than your yammerin'.
 -- Hawke, DELTA AND THE BANNERMEN
%%
Any time an agency hires a person to resolve complaints, that person will
 have no power whatsoever to deal with the nature of your problem with the
 agency in question.
%%
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
 robbery has just taken place.
 -- Johnny Carson
%%
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
 and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS
 that thing?!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Any time that is not spent on love is wasted.
%%
Any time there's something so ridiculous (...) that no rational systems
programmer would even consider trying it, they send for me.
 -- Paraphrased from "King of the Murgos" by David Eddings
%%
   Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
   faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
 -- Bye`s First Law of Model Railroading
%%
 Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath
 to the exact centre.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 27
%%
Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow Earth's
 gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
 the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
 prototype.
 This will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in
 which case it will land on the manipulator's foot.
 -- Vuilleumier's Third Law (also known as Selective Gravitational Field)
%%
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
 -- Anthony's Law of the Workshop
On its way to the corner, any dropped tool will always first strike your toes.
 -- The Corollary to Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
 -- Flucard's Corollary
%%
"Any trouble, boy?"
"No, old man.  Thought I was having trouble with my adding.
'T's all right now."
 -- For A Few Dollars More
%%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%%
Any typographical error will occur in the place in which it will
do the most damage.
%%
Any unexpected gift of money is immediately equalled
in amount by an unexpected expense.
 -- The Windfall Theorem
%%
Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
 Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
 Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
 Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
 -- PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW
%%
Any vacuum cleaner would sooner take the nap off a rug than remove
white threads from a dark rug.
%%
Any valuable information above is credited to the OIS
department of my university.  Any nonsense is mine.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
nobody big, I mean -- except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
cliff.     What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I'd do
all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye.  I know it;  I know it's crazy,
but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.  I know it's crazy.
 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
%%
    Anyway: I'm not blessed or merciful.  I'm just me.  I've
got a job to do and I do it.  Listen: even as we're talking,
I'm there for old and young, innocent and guilty, those who
die together and those who die alone.  I'm in cars and boats
and planes, in hospitals and forests and abattoirs.  For some
folks death is a release and for others death is an
abomination, a terrible thing.  But in the end, I'm there for
all of them.
 -- Neil Gaiman
 -- The Sandman #20: Facade
%%
Anywhere, anytime, I'd sacrifice the finest nuance for a laugh, the most
elegant trope for a smile.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Anywhere's a better place to be...
%%
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
 -- Klipstein's Fourth Law of Applied Engineering
%%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%%
Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.
%%
Any young man with good health and a poor appetite can save up money.
 -- J. M. Baily
%%
AOI: Annoy Operator Immediate
%%
A Old Timer remembers when: a baby was an addition and not a deduction.
%%
A Old Timer remembers when: baby sitters were called mothers.
%%
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
%%
A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number
 in both.
%%
A one-eyed man is able to see,
A lame man is able to tread.
He treads on the tail of the tiger.
The tiger bites the man.
Misfortune.
Thus does a warrior act on behalf of his great prince.
%%
A one-eyed man who is able to see.
The perseverance of a solitary man furthers.
%%
A one track mind often has a derailed train of thought.
%%
AOS (aus (East coast) ay-ahs (West coast)) [based on a PDP-10
increment instruction] v. To increase the amount of something.
"Aos the campfire."  Usage: considered silly.
%%
A "pacifist" is a contradiction in terms. Most self-described pacifists
are not pacific; they simply assume false colors. When the wind changes
they hoist the Jolly Roger.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A "pacifist male" is a contradiction in terms.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
A pacifist who calls the police isn't one; hired violence is still violence.
 -- Clayton E. Cramer optilink!cramer
%%
A pack of wild weasels ripped into my flesh.
%%
A page of history is worth a volume of logic.
%%
A pair of bright eyes with a dozen glances suffice to subdue a man; to enslave
him, and inflame; to make him even forget; they dazzle him so, that the past
becomes straightway dim to him; and he so prizes them, that he would give all
his life to possess them. What is the fond love of dearest friends compared to
treasure? Is memory as strong as expectancy, fruition as hunger, gratitude as
desire?
 -- Thackeray
%%
A pale little ghost appears, but he's run out of treasures.
He soon fades away.
%%
A pale little ghost appears in wireframe glasses and zits.
He drops something, and then vanishes into the gloom.
%%
A pampered menial drove me from the door.
 -- Thomas Moss (1740-1808)
 -- The Beggar
%%
A pane short of a window.
%%
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
%%
A parade should have bands or horse, but not both.
 -- Nancy M. Wells
%%
A paradox is what parents tell their children. When a kid tells it to their
 parents, it is more often called a lie.
%%
A Paradox May be Paradoctored.
%%
A paradox may be para-doctored.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
 -- William Burroughs
%%
A parlous boy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A parrot is an animal with the ability to imitate man but not enough
intelligence to refrain from doing so.
%%
A part time employee noted that his pay check was five dollars short of
 what it should be and went in and registered a loud, long and windy protest
 to the payroll office. "Well," said the payroll officer, "you didn't come
 in last week when we overpaid you five dollars, with any complaint!"
 "Naturally," said the employee, "a mistake once made is a mistake, but when
 you do the thing twice, then it is time to register a complaint!"
%%
A passage enters from the south.
%%
A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application
made by an independent worker.
%%
Apathetic Surf Club:  We don't surf, and we don't care.
%%
Apathists of the world ..... ahh, forget it!
%%
A path without obstacles probably leads nowhere.
%%
Apathy can only be overcome by enthusiasm, and enthusiasm can only
be aroused by two things; first, an ideal which takes the imagination by
storm, and second, a definite plan for carrying that ideal into practice.
 -- Arnold Toynbee
%%
Apathy error: Don't bother striking any key.
%%
Apathy error: Strike any key, or none. Who cares!
%%
Apathy is a problem, but who cares?
%%
Apathy is a sort of living oblivion.
 -- Horace Greeley (1811-1872)
%%
Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
%%
Apathy: never mind over don't matter.
%%
APATHY RULES!   ( but who cares? )
%%
Apathy Society cancelled due to no-shows.
%%
Apathy -      Who gives a f%*k anyway?
 -- The everyday versatility of the "F" word
%%
A patient named Tarzan was always negative, always gripping, carping and
 sometimes even whining about something. The man was never satisfied.
 Finally, he went to a psychologist who listened until he could take no
 more, since it was so constant, so negative. The therapist came home and
 said to his wife that one of his patients almost sings; "The Tarzen Gripes
 Forever!" (Chucky little bit of humor, if that much, right?)
%%
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
 -- Wilcox's law
%%
A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A PC is for manipulation of data, not the manipulation of thought.
%%
A PC takes guesswork out of it. So does a bikini.
%%
A peace above all earthly dignities,
A still and quiet conscience.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A "peace-loving nation" is one which bans fireworks and manufactures hydrogen
bombs.
%%
A peasant always hangs himself in his landlord's doorway.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
%%
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
 -- Gloria Steinem
%%
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the place.  I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form
%%
A pedestrian is a man who has two cars, a wife, and one or more
teenage children.
%%
A pencil sharpener for my ears! Thanx, Jim
 -- Spock at Xmas
%%
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
%%
A pen is mightier than a sword except it runs out of ink.
%%
A penniless lass wi' a lang pedigree.
 -- Lady Nairne (1766-1845)
 -- The Laird o' Cockpen
%%
A penny dropped off the Eiffel Tower or the Empire State Building
could kill whomever it hits.
%%
A Penny earned is a Penny owed (Probably to Uncle Sam).
%%
A penny earned is Cheap labor..
%%
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
%%
"A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
 -- The Odd Couple
%%
A penny for your thoughts.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Introduction to Polite Conversation
%%
A penny saved has not been spent.
%%
A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy
%%
A penny saved is a Congressional error.
%%
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
%%
A penny saved is a girl lost.
%%
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
%%
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
%%
A penny saved is a penny.
%%
A penny saved is a penny earned. The rest is the IRS's.
%%
A penny saved is a penny stashed away.
%%
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
%%
A penny saved is a penny to squander.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A penny saved is not worth very much.
%%
A penny saved is one cent.
%%
A penny saved is ridiculous!
%%
A penny saved is worthless.
%%
A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it
close enough to your eye.
 -- Samuel Grafton
%%
A peny for your thought.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. iv
%%
A people is but the attempt of many
To rise to the completer life of one;
And those who live as models for the mass
Are singly of more value than they all.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Luria, Act, v
%%
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
A people who are still, as it were, but in the gristle, and not yet
hardened into the bone of manhood.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Speech on the Conciliation of America, Vol. ii, p. 117
%%
A people who expect to be ignorant and free expect what never will,
 and never can, be.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
A perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
%%
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
 -- Thackeray
%%
A perfect vacuum exists only in the minds of men.
 -- P. H. Beck
%%
A perfect woman is one that is inflated to 40psi.
%%
A peripheral is what your spouse becomes after you bring a personal
computer into your home.
%%
Aperitif: a set of dentures.
 -- Spike Milligan
%%
A Perl script is correct if it's halfway readable and it gets the job done
before your boss fires you.
 -- "Programming Perl," by Larry Wall and Randal Schwartz
%%
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
A Persian's heaven is eas'ly made:
'T is but black eyes and lemonade.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Intercepted Letters, Letter vi
%%
 A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a
"formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.
%%
A person cannot be programmed for constant stupidity.  They're RANDOM.
%%
A person in a passion is riding a mad horse.
%%
A person is a lion in his own cause.
%%
A person is just as big as the thing that makes him angry.
%%
A person is known by the company he keeps.
%%
A person is not rewarded for having brains, only for using them.
%%
A person is only DNA's way of making more DNA.
%%
A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and
be free.
 -- Nikos Kazantzakis
%%
A person never tells you anything until contradicted.
%%
A person over age 65 who drinks says that his doctor recommends it.
 -- Bob Smith
%%
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
 -- G.C. Lichtenberg
%%
A person's character is but half formed till after wedlock.
%%
A person seldom falls sick, but the bystanders are animated with a faint
hope that he will die.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Conduct of Life"
%%
A person's got to know his limitations to avoid failure.
%%
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often
in the winter.
%%
A person shows what she is by what she does with what she has when she is
 able.
%%
A person slow to anger is better than the mighty.
%%
A person's maturity consists in having found again the seriousness one
had as a child, at play.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original
dimensions.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)
%%
A person's strongest dreams are about what he can't do.
 -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage), stardate unknown.
%%
A person travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns
home to find it.
 -- George Moore
%%
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
%%
A person who follows the crowd will never be followed by a crowd.
%%
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
%%
A person who is more than casually interested
in computers should be well schooled in machine
language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
 -- Donald Knuth
%%
A person who lacks the means, within himself, to live a
good and happy life will find any period of his existence
wearisome.
 -- Cicero - On Old Age
%%
A person who's at the top has the habit of getting to the bottom.
%%
A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
 -- Jerome Blattner
%%
A person without a navel lives within all of us.
%%
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -
jolted by every pebble in the road.
 -- Henry Beecher
%%
A perversion of nature....how exciting!
%%
Apes evolved from Creationists!
%%
A pessimist counting his blessings :
10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
%%
A pessimist is always frustrated, for when they take joy in having proved
 that there is no joy they have contradicted themself and must start all
 over again.
%%
A pessimist is a person who feels bad when he feels good for fear he will
 feel worse when he feels better.
%%
A pessimist is never disappointed.
%%
A pessimist is somebody who complains about the noise
when opportunity knocks.
%%
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the
opportunity in every difficulty.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
A phaser is the universal communicator.
 -- Worf
%%
A phaser on stun is like a day without orange juice.
%%
APHASIA:
      Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
        at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
%%
Aphasia: Window decompose distance replicate for and.
%%
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a burnt
match out the window of your car and start a forest fire while you can use
two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being
able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
%%
A Philadelphia institution...kind of like Byberry.
%%
        A phobia is by definition an irrational fear.
Claustrophobia is an irrational fear of enclosed spaces.
Ailurophobia is an irrational fear of cats.  (And, as a friend of
mine has observed, tooraloorailurophobia is an irrational fear of
Irish cats.)
 -- Marty Helgesen <[e-mail]>
%%
A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more
 than you believe.
%%
Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement.
%%
Aphorism, n.:
 A concise, clever statement.
Afterism, n.:
   A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
 -- James Alexander Thom
%%
APHORISM, n.  Predigested wisdom.

    The flabby wine-skin of his brain
    Yields to some pathologic strain,
    And voids from its unstored abysm
    The driblet of an aphorism.
                                           "The Mad Philosopher," 1697
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A photographer is like a fish, he lays thousands of eggs hoping that one
will grow to maturity.
%%
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
%%
A photograph of Holocaust victims might be inappropriate for display in
 the entrance of a museum where all would have to confront it, whether
    they chose to or not.
 -- John Frohnmayer, Nat'l Endowment for the Arts
%%
[A photo is displayed of Senator Dan Quayle
 holding a pumpkin to the left of his head.]
"Here's an Update Quiz: what's the difference
 between these two spherical objects?  The
 answer is: eventually, the one on the left will
 have a light in it."
 -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
A physical factor occasionally showing up in experiments as a
result of stopping a stopwatch a little early to compensate for reflex error.
 -- Fudge Factor
%%
A physical law must possess mathematical beauty.
 -- Paul A. M. Dirac
%%
A physician, after he had felt the pulse of Pausanias, and considered
his constitution, saying, "He ails nothing," "It is because, sir,"
he replied, "I use none of your physic."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Pausanias the Son of Phistoanax
%%
A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor
does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so
should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician treats a patient,
and look upon them only as sick and extravagant.
 -- Seneca
%%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
 -- George Wald
%%
A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself.
 -- Niels Bohr
%%
A physicist visits a colleague and notice a horseshoe hanging on the wall
above the entrance. "Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck ?"
he asks. "No", replies the colleague,"but I've been told that it works
even if you don't believe in it"
 -- Niels Bohrs favorite story
%%
A piano is a piano is a piano.
 -- Gertrude Steinway.
%%
A picture is a poem without words.
 -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
A picture is worth 10K words - but only those to describe the picture.
Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.
%%
A picture is worth a thousand words; a slide show is both.
%%
A piece of electronic equipment is housed in a beautifully designed cabinet,
and at the side or on top is a little box containing the components which
the designer forgot to make room for.
 -- Denys Parsons
%%
A piece of software is not perfect when you find nothing to add, but
when you find nothing to remove.
%%
A piece of string goes into a bar, climbs up on a stool and orders a
 martini. Bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve no strings in this
 joint." String leaves, rather disgusted. Out in parking lot, string decides
 to make a disguise for itself, and does. Changes color, frizzes up the body
 and ties a bow knot in the center. Reenters bar, sits down and orders a
 martini. Again, Bartender says, "hey, ain't you the string I just threw
 outta here?" "No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot." (Sorry, apologies
 all around on this!)
%%
 A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root
   around the tree.  A crow remarked, `You should not do this.  If you lay bare
  the roots, the tree will wither and die.' `Let it die,' said the pig.  `Who
  cares so long as there are acorns?'
%%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%%
A pig on a mountain sees more than a wise man with a bag over his head.
%%
A pill a day keeps the stork away.
%%
A pillar'd shade
High overarch'd, and echoing walks between.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 1106
%%
A pilot friend of mine mentioned that when the black box is recovered
from an airplane crash site, the last words on it are usually something
like OHHHHHH SHIIIIIITTTT!!!!.       But in one instance, the captain is
clearly heard to say:
 Point your toes; we're going in deep!
%%
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
 -- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)
%%
A pint of your best plonk please.
%%
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick
in his mouth.
 -- Trischmann's Paradox
%%
A pitcher that goes to a well too often is broken first.
%%
A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map
you happen to have handy.
 -- Denys Parsons
%%
APL --
        A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to
the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse
gear, and is instrumented in Greek.
%%
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  She can cook delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table.  She
doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down.  Few people can
understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all
recorded in mirror writing.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
A plague of all cowards, I say.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A plague of sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a bladder.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A plague on both your houses! They have made worm's meat of me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling: For example, in Year
1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by
"k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.
 The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation,
which will be dealt with later.  Year 2 might reform "w" spelling,
so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year
3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks
the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement
would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double
konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining
voist and unvoist konsonants.  Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali
bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai
now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch",
"sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl
riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in iusxrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking
werld.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
A platitude is simply a truth repeated until people get tired of
hearing it.
 -- Stanley Baldwin
%%
A pleasing land of drowsyhed it was,
Of dreams that wave before the half-shut eye;
And of gay castles in the clouds that pass,
Forever flushing round a summer sky:
There eke the soft delights that witchingly
Instil a wanton sweetness through the breast,
And the calm pleasures always hover'd nigh;
But whate'er smack'd of noyance or unrest
Was far, far off expell'd from this delicious nest.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Castle of Indolence, Canto i, Stanza 6
%%
A pleasing trembling thrills through all my blood Whene'er you touch
me with your melting hand; But when you kiss, oh! 'tis not to be spoke.
 -- Gildon
%%
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
edible nutriments.
[too many cooks spoil the pot.]
%%
A plethora of those with culinary expertise vitiates the potable substance
produced by contriving certain comestibles.
[too many cooks spoil the pot.]
%%
APL hackers do it in the quad.
%%
APL hackers take all they want.
%%
APL is a high level languish.
%%
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of
the future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new
generation of coding bums.
 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, "How do we tell truths that might hurt",
 -- ACM Sig Plan Notices, May 82
%%
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
...and is best for educational purposes.
 -- Alan J. Perlis
%%
APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
 -- Roy Keir
%%
A plough that works glisters, but the still water stinks.
 -- Proverb
%%
APL programmers do it backwards.
%%
APL programmers do it in a line.
%%
APL programmers do it in the workspace.
%%
APL programmers do it with stile.
%%
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%%
A plus sign is redundant, but some people occasionally like extra
redundancy once in a while.
 -- Donald Knuth
%%
Ap. My poverty, but not my will, consents.
Rom. I pay thy poverty, and not thy will.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
 -- Paul Valery (1871-1945)
%%
A poem round and perfect as a star.
 -- Alexander Smith (1830-1867)
 -- A Life Drama, Sc. ii
%%
A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke.
 -- Max Eastman
%%
A poet is a kind of liar who always speaks the truth.
%%
A poet only writes about the things he cannot do.
 -- A canard, sung by Meg in The One Love of My Life,
 -- in Lerner's and Lowe's Brigadoon
%%
A poet's hope: to be,
like some valley cheese,
local, but prized elsewhere.
 -- W. H. Auden
%%
A poet soaring in the high reason of his fancies, with his garland
and singing robes about him.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- The Reason of Church Government, Introduction, Book ii
%%
A poet that fails in writing, becomes often a morose critic. The
weak insipid white wine makes at length excellent vinegar.
 -- Shenstone
%%
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A poet without love were a physical and metaphysical impossibility.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Burns, Edinburgh Review, 1828
%%
Apogee- when you REALLY want to have fun, they're #1!
%%
A poignant plea, sir, enough to melt the stoniest of hearts, but
  the answer, I'm afraid, must remain, 'You're going to die,
  fat pig'.
 -- Edmund to George : Duel and Duality
%%
A point of view is a matter of perspective...
%%
A pointy head is the sign of a sharp mind.
%%
A polar bear can live for up to 7 or 8 months without food nor water.
%%
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
%%
A police state is great, so long as you're the police.
%%
A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
 -- Kaufman's Law
%%
A political campaign is when the candidate tells what he stands for and the
election is when the voters tell if they can stand for his being elected.
%%
A political convention is verily vigorous very verboten vast verbosity
 vacuuously vivacious for what it fails to say in such long windedness and
 tedious tendentiousness without arriving even close to where it was aimed
 by a drunken archer in the midst of a tornado of hot wind. Gargantuian
 gaseous globules of gluttonous guttoral galaxies of gibberish are the order
 of the day.
%%
A political leader must keep looking over his shoulder all the time
to see if the boys are still there.  If they aren't still there,
he's no longer a political leader.
%%
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
 -- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
%%
A politician always abuses his own constituency and placates the opponent's.
 -- Bob Smith
%%
A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue,
so he can get around it.
%%
A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
%%
A politician is an acrobat - he keeps his balance by saying the opposite
of what he does.
%%
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence
and yet keep both ears to the ground.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think
he's the only one who can save the ship.
 -- Ivern Ball, "Modern Secretary"
%%
A politician is like an elephant - he has a thick skin, a head full of ivory,
and as everyone who has seen a cicus parade knows,
he proceeds best by grasping the tail of his predecessor.
%%
A politician,... one that would circumvent God.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A politician's willingness to listen to advice rises in inverse proportion
 to how badly he thinks he is doing.
 -- Pat Caddell
%%
A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite
at the beginning of the sentence.  For maximum comprehension, do not
start listening until the first clause is concluded.  Begin instead at
the word "but" which begins the second, or active, clause.  This is the
way to tell a liberal from a conservative--before they tell you.  Thus:
"I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none,
but ... " (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
 -- Frank Mankiewicz
%%
A poll conducted recently showed that American parents who raised those
 many children who could not find the United States on a map can not find
 their children on an average evening.
%%
Apollo: "Approach me!"
Kirk: "We're busy!"
 -- "Who Mourns For Adonais?", Stardate 3468.1.
%%
Apollodorus says, "If any one were to take away from the books of
Chrysippus all the passages which he quotes from other authors, his
paper would be left empty."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Chrysippus, iii
%%
Apollo: "Even for a god there's a point of no return"
 -- "Who Mourns For Adonais?", Stardate 3468.1.
%%
Apollo: "I am Apollo.  I've chosen you."
Palamas: "I'm sure that's very flattering..."
 -- "Who Mourns For Adonais?", Stardate 3468.1.
%%
Apollo said that every one's true worship was that which he found
in use in the place where he chanced to be.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. xii, Apology for Raimond Sebond
%%
Apollo, the God of light, of reason, of proportion, harmony, number --
Apollo blinds those who press too close in worship. Don't look straight
at the sun. Go into a dark bar and have a beer with Dionysos, every now
and then.
 -- U.K. LeGuin
%%
A pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what do you think of the meat shortage?"

In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
%%
A pollutant is an out of place resource.
%%
Apologies, Captain. I seem to have reached an odd functional empass.
  I am stuck.
 -- Data, "The Last Outpost", stardate 41386.4
%%
Apologies only account for that which they do not alter.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, July 28, 1871
%%
Apologists do it orally.
%%
APOLOGIZE, v.i.  To lay the foundation for a future offence.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Apology accepted, Captain Kirk.
%%
Apology accepted, Captain Needa.
 -- Han Solo (Star Wars)
%%
Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
%%
A polynomial f is said to have degree m, written deg f equals m, if it does
have degree m.
%%
A poodle like you could end up at Burger King.
%%
A poor compromise is better than a costly litigation.
 -- Proverb
%%
A poore soule sat sighing under a sycamore tree;
  Oh willow, willow, willow!
With his hand on his bosom, his head on his knee,
  Oh willow, willow, willow!
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Willow, willow, willow
%%
A poor excuse is better than no excuse!
%%
A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking (meant) for
others!
 -- Donatien-Alphonse-Francois de Sade
%%
A poor, infirm, weak, and despised old man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
A poor lone woman.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A poorly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected.
 -- Golub's Third Law of Computerdom
%%
A poor man sells his saucepan to buy something to put in it.
%%
A poor man served by thee, shall make thee rich.
 -- Mrs. Browning
%%
A poor plan can be made to look great when compared to a worse alternative.
%%
A poor, weak, palsy-stricken, churchyard thing.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- The Eve of St. Agnes, Stanza 18
%%
Apoplexie and lethargie,
As forlorn hope, assault the enemy.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Week, First Day, Part iii
%%
A Portable Hole holds a lot of beer.
%%
A portrait of J. Pierpont Flathead hangs on the wall.
%%
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
 -- Walt Kelly
%%
APOSTATE, n.  A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle
only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient
to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
apostrophy:  when your apostrophe atrophies.
 -- David Bedno, [e-mail]
%%
APOTHECARY, n.  The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor
and grave worm's provider.

    When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
    And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
    That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
    Disease for the apothecary's health,
    Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
    "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A pound of Flex-ex and a blasting cap cures hacking.
%%
A pound of pluck is worth a ton of luck.
%%
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
%%
A power has risen up in the government greater than the people themselves,
consisting of many and various and powerful interests, combined into
one mass, and held together by the cohesive power of the vast surplus
in the banks.
 -- Johann L. Uhland (1787-1862)
 -- Speech, May 27, 1836
%%
:app: /ap/ n. Short for `application program', as opposed to a
   systems program.  Apps are what systems vendors are forever chasing
   developers to create for their environments so they can sell more
   boxes.  Hackers tend not to think of the things they themselves run
   as apps; thus, in hacker parlance the term excludes compilers,
   program editors, games, and messaging systems, though a user would
   consider all those to be apps.  (Broadly, an app is often a
   self-contained environment for performing some well-defined task
   such as `word processing'; hackers tend to prefer more
   general-purpose tools.) Oppose {tool}, {operating
   system}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
     Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the
lives of the world's great composers.  The movie has Steven Seagal set to play
Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie got wind of the
project, he said...

     "I'll be Bach"
%%
Apparently, Bob saw an alien once.
%%
Apparently heard at a public lecture by the famous C. Northcote Parkinson at
the Indian Institute of Technology, Madras:

   Government's handling of a difficult matter by appointing a
   Commission of Enquiry is just like a person going to the toilet --
    there is a sitting, a report, and then the matter is dropped.
%%
Apparently IBM is not IBM compatible.
 -- Andy Tanenbaum
%%
Apparently, it was not as big of a surprise as we had anticipated.
 -- Cylon Warrior to Imperious Leader
%%
Apparently, July is National Hot Dog Month.  If this is true, I imagine
there must also be National Hot Dog Awards.  I can just imagine this.
Someone opens an envelope, looks at the contents and says: "And the
Wiener is . . . Oscar Mayer!"
%%
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Apparently you are heading toward a bank of cyclone debris. Act now.
%%
Appealingness is inversely proportional to attainability.
%%
Appeal, vt. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Appearance, Extremely neat, even combs his p*bic hair.
%%
Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
Ample are time and space--ample the fields of nature.
 -- CONTINUITIES, Walt Whitman
%%
Appearances are all, my son. Appearances are all.
%%
Appearances deceive and this one maxim is a standing rule: Men are
not what they seem.
 -- Harvard
%%
Appearances often are deceiving.
 -- Aesop (620-560 B.C.)
%%
Appearances to the mind are of four kinds. Things either are what
they appear to be; or they neither are, nor appear to be; or they
are, and do not appear to be; or they are not, and yet appear to be.
Rightly to aim in all these cases is the wise man's task.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xxvii
%%
Appearance *versus* reality? Appearance *is* reality, God damn it!
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Appear to know only this,--never to fail nor fall.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- That Courage is not inconsistent with Caution,
 -- Discourses, Book ii, Chap. i
%%
APPENDIX:
     A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
%%
Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. v
%%
APPETITE, n.  An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a
solution to the labor question.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.
 -- Colton
%%
Applause, n. The echo of a platitude.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Applause, pom-poms & trumpets for our Sysops & Moderators!
%%
Apple:  A PC so simple your parents can use it.
%%
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
%%
Apple Computer don't threaten us, we can buy them out of petty cash.
 -- John Akers, IBM
%%
Apple is like the Chinese Cultural
 Revolution conducted by people in
 three-piece suits."
%%
Apple owners do it with mice.
%%
Apples? Apricots? This industry is full of Fruits!
%%
Apples Have Spiritual Powers, Say Insane Engineers.
%%
Apple - Typically a device used to seduce men.  Usually equipped with
 display screens and/or worms.
%%
Appliances must carry energy-efficiency labels, but
so far the government doesn't require them on people.
%%
....Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of Unix, although they
should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this
an achievement.
 -- Hal Abelson, MIT job advertisement
%%
                           APPLICATION FORM
                 Mothers And Fathers of Italian Ancestry
                             (M.A.F.I.A.)
Watza-U-Name ________________________________________ U-Hage __________________
Watza-U-Howza Numbero _________________ U-Stretta _____________________________
Watza-U-Bag:  Hittaman _________ Lona-Arranger ___________ Prostittuta ________
Izza U Girl or Boy (Orizza U Girl-Oh-Boy) ______________ (Pick one, Weizza Guy)
Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now _______________________________________________
Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse: ___________________________________________________
For Whatza Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse For: ____________________________________
U Shoote One Guiz ____________________ U Keednap Sumbodys _____________________
Porteckshion Raggets _______________________ Udder Thingza ____________________
U Wanna Be De Bigga Shotz, Sumdaze?  Yazze: ________ No: ________ Eh: _________
U Likka Eata Garlic: ____________ Pizza: _____________ Salami: ________________
U Know Ow To Makea De Cement Shooz? ___________________________________________
U Driva De Car _______ Cadillac ________ Buick ___________ Linken _____________
U Likea Spagetti _____ Calamara ________ Boyze ___________ Girlze _____________
     (Peek justa one - no foola rounde, cuz I slappa U face.)
U Sees De Godfather? ___________________ Or Justa De Movie? ___________________
%%
Applied emotion is the key to success with happiness.
%%
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks,
 "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
 "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
 "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
 "Do you want fries with that?"
%%
APPOINTMENT BOOK:
     The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
    invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
 December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
  it was you did during the past year.
%%
Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush.
%%
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Approach has supreme success.
Perseverance furthers.
When the eight month comes,
There will be misfortune.
%%
Approbation from Sir Hubert Stanley is praise indeed.
 -- Thomas Morton (1764-1838)
 -- A Cure for the Heartache, Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Approved, but not funded.
%%
Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources.
 -- Ronald W. Reagan, quoted in "Sierra", 10 September 1980
%%
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's, "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A prating barber asked Archelaus how he would be trimmed. He answered,
"In silence."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Archelaus
%%
A precedent embalms a principle.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, Feb. 22, 1848
%%
A precipitate avian ensnares the vermiculate creature.
%%
A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
 -- K. Brecher
%%
A pregnancy will never occur when you have a low-paying job which you hate.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
 A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
A Presbyterian and Methodist Preacher got into a hot discussion about the
 Presbyterian teaching on what is called predestination. Like all such
 discussions, there was far more heat shead in the course of the discussion
 than there was light. The Methodist finally agreed that there just might be
 something to the teaching of the Presbyterians on predestination, and also
 he allowed that most Presbyterians were likely going to hell anyway. The
 Presbyterian was rather out of patience with all of this and admitted that
 he would much rather be a Presbyertian and know he was going to hell than a
 Methodist and know know where the hell he was going.
%%
A President cannot always be popular.
 -- Harry S. Truman, "Memoirs, Vol. II", 1955
%%
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet.
%%
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of
yours to press against my heart.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
A pretty .GIF is like a melody
%%
A pretty girl can do no wrong.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%%
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
 -- Byron
%%
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies"
%%
A priest and a rabbi were enjoying the fights at Madison Square Garden. One
 of the fighters crossed himself before the opening gong sounded. "What does
 that mean?" the rabbi asked. The priest said, "Not a damn thing if he can't
 fight."
 -- Belle Barth
%%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And he answered: It is that
which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.  It is that
which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.  It is that
which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which
carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built
to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate?  said
the priest. Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight
was too.
 -- Kehlog Albran, The Profit
%%
A priestess and a virgin you might be, but that unicorn won't care.
%%
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
man".
 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%%
A priest with two suits is a thief.
 -- Lenny Bruce
%%
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
 -- George Eliot
%%
April 13 -- True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta
Braves' Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily,
except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
April 14 -- In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential
nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of
a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four
Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
April 16th:  Count your blessings - nothing else is left.
%%
April 1st marks the end of winter hibernation and the beginning of summer
 lethargy.
%%
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the
other three hundred and sixty-four.
%%
April 22 -- Crack U.S. counter-intelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect
that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might
be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six
chairs say, "Gesundheit."
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
April 26 -- Jack Kemp announces that he is running for president, pledging
that, if elected, he will deepen his voice.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
April 30 -- Following a lengthy and dramatic trial, a confused New Jersey jury
awards custody of a 3-month-old boy to a 6-week-old girl.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
April 3 -- In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but
are driven off by courageous flies.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
April diverts our attention from life's inevitabilities and focuses it on
 the potentialities. In April, if the glands still work properly, it is
 possible to see the world as it might be if only it were not the world.
 -- Russell Baker
%%
APRIL FOOL, n.  The March fool with another month added to his folly.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
April Fool!: Sue Prize
%%
April is the cruelest month...
 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
%%
A primitive artist is an amateur whose work sells.
 -- Grandma Moses
%%
A prince can make a belted knight,
  A marquis, duke, and a' that;
But an honest man 's aboon his might,
  Guid faith, he maunna fa' that.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- For a' that an a' that
%%
A prince offers it to the Son of Heaven.
A petty man cannot do this.
%%
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to
  protect her.
 -- McCoy, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.3.
%%
A print addict is a man who reads in elevators.  People
occasionally look at me curiously when they see me standing
there, reading a paragraph or two as the elevator goes up.  To
me, it's curious that there are people who do not read in
elevators.  What can they be thinking about?
 -- Robert Fulford
%%
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
A problem can be found for almost every solution.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
A problem is a chance for you to do your best.
 -- Duke Ellington
%%
A problem well stated is a problem half solved.
 -- Charles F. Kettering, American electrical engineer and inventor.
%%
A problem which can not be solved is much easier to deal with than a
 solution which no one can understand or agree with, so leave it alone.
%%
A process which led from amoeba to man
appeared to the philosphers to be obviously progress
- though whether the amoeba would agree with this opinion is not known.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
A procrastinator's work is never done.
%%
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
%%
A production of the digitally insane.
%%
A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
%%
A product with 'ZERO DEFECTS' doesn't ship!
%%
A professional is a man who can do his best at a time
when he doesn't particularly feel like it.
 -- Alistair Cooke, journalist
%%
A professional is someone who tells you something you already knew, but in
 the telling, through the use of jargon and jumbo, makes the whole thing
 sound impressive and confusing, and then charges you a professional fee for
 doing this to you.
%%
A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man.  In
order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many
compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes
indistinguishable from a streetwalker.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
 -- Wystan Hugh Auden, poet (1907-1973)
%%
A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies
inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it.
%%
A progeny of learning.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A program  designed  for  inputs  from  people  is  usually
stressed  beyond  the  breaking  point by computer-generated
inputs.
 -- Dennis Ritchie
%%
A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than
the program generator.
 -- The Last One's Law of Program Generators
%%
A program is much like a nose...
Sometimes it runs,
Sometimes it blows.
%%
A programmer and his mind are soon parted.
%%
A programmer at S.D.R.C.,
found the VAX very slow, don't you see.
After typing "DEBUG",
the VAX, it did chug.
And it came back in February.
%%
A programmer down in Moline
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
     My secret's aversion,
 To loops and recursion,
Just acres of in-line routine.
 -- W. J. Wilson
%%
A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What
sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and
were unconcerned with appearances.  There hair was long and unkept
and their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality
suite and they made rude noises during my presentation."

The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life
absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing
limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why
should they bother with social conventions?"

They are alive within the Tao.
%%
"A programmer," he said with obvious amazement, is the sort
of person "who drinks Coke in the morning."
 -- Boston Globe article on The High Tech Set
%%
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
 of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
 series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
 precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
 inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
 accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
 for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
 defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
 information in the first place.
 -- IEEE Grid news magazine
%%
A programmer's best friend - the system trace.
Just like your dog, system trace is always there, running,
and it doesn't need special care or feeding.
 -- MVS/ESA: Diagnosis: Tools and Service Aids LY28-1813-03
 -- 7.0 Chapter 7.  System Trace
%%
A programmer's work is never done.
%%
A programming language is low-level when its programs require attention
to the irrelevant.
%%
A prohibitionist is someone one wouldn't want to drink with, even
if he did drink.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A project always expands to fill your system's available memory.
%%
A project can not be considered complete until the total height of the
viewgraphs produced exceeds the height of the shortest PI.
 -- Robert Metzger, scientist and author
%%
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
 -- Cooper's MetaLaw
%%
A promoter is a person who wants to sell you something you don't need that
 he does not have, at a price you can't afford, and for reasons neither of
 you can possibly understand, but the deal goes through and now you make
 your living using the things no one wanted to do what everyone said could
 not be done, for people who don't want what you offer. Its the price you
 pay, it appears, for being in the sewer cleaning business.
%%
A propeller is as a fan to keep the pilot cool.
%%
A propensity to hope and joy is real riches; one to fear and sorrow
real poverty.
 -- Hume
%%
A proper man, as one shall see in a summer's day.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
by virtue of a certain lack of qualities - a natural defectiveness.
 -- Aristotle
%%
A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country and in his own house.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xiii, 57
%%
A prosperous fool is a grievous burden.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Frag. 383
%%
A proud graduate of "Bob's School of Quantum Mechanics"
%%
A proud supporter of Crusty the Clown's Telethon for Motion Sickness.
%%
A proverb and a byword.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Kings ix, 7
%%
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
A proverb is the wisdom of many and the wit of one.
 -- Lord John Russell
%%
A prudent question is one-half wisdom.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
A prune is a plum with experience.
%%
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your
  wife asks for nothing.
 -- Joey Adams
%%
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
%%
Apt alliteration 's artful aid.
 -- Charles Churchill (1731-1764)
 -- The Prophecy of Famine, Line 86
%%
Apt natural. I have a gub.
%%
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation.
 -- Colton
%%
Apu (Kwik-E-Mart clerk):  "Haven't I seen you on TV somewhere before?"
Homer:  "Nah, you have me confused with Fred Flintstone."
 -- "Homer's Night Out", from The Simpsons
%%
Apuleius married a rich widow, then wrote "The Golden Ass".
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A pun is the lowest form of humour,
when you don't think of it first.
 -- Oscar Levant
%%
A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough,
and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
%%
A puritan is a person who pours righteous indignation into
the wrong things.
 -- G.K. Chesterton
%%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
is having fun.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think
    of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #53
%%
A purring cat and a glowing fireplace makes winter bearable.
%%
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.
 -- Donald A. Metz
%%
A Qmodem is a happy modem!
%%
Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet
on and off
with your toes.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
Aquait:  The time allowed at the water fountain for the water to cool.
%%
A QUANTUM LEAP into the past, Bell Atlantic Business Systems Services.
%%
Aquarium = Kitty Boob Tube
%%
AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
you want.  Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
As a matter of fact they might get worse.  Intensify your
relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
able to lend you a few bucks.
%%
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
    You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
        You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to
 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
     mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.
%%
AQUARIUS   January 20 - February 18
You are an amiable person who likes to be popular.  You need to be
around others because you cannot stand yourself.  When alone, you do
weird things to your body.  Sex change operations are common among
Aquarians.
%%
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle
unless there be two.
 -- Seneca
%%
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
 -- Slick's Law of the Universe
%%
A quart low.
%%
A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum
 of 25% if it does oscillate at all.
 -- Vuilleumier's Sixth Law
%%
Aquatic Huge Giant Space Hamster.
%%
A quest for happiness is often hidden behind the simple fact that hard work
 is required. This is one of the reasons many folks miss finding happiness.
%%
A question well-asked is half answered.
%%
A quick punch, but it was only a glancing blow.
%%
A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
 -- Merle P. Martin
%%
A quick thrust pinks your left arm, and blood starts to trickle down.
%%
A .QWK is a Day's Adventure.
%%
Arabs wear turbines on their heads
%%
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
 -- Steel City News
%%
Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.
%%
A radical is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air.
 -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)
%%
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
%%
AR: Advance Rudely
%%
AR: Alter Reality
%%
A RAM is a terrible thing to waste.
%%
A rancher is a farmer who farms the public lands with a herd of four-legged
lawn mowers.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A RARE CONJUNCTION OF STARS means bad luck for the rest of your life.
%%
A rascally yea-forsooth knave.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
A rather narrow crawlway opens up rapidly to reveal a sizable cave.
The ceiling is very low, however, and you are forced to stoop.
%%
 a rat.
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
     Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
general can be said."
%%
"Arcades ambo,"--id est, blackguards both.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iv, Stanza 93
%%
Arcana Coelestica:
 Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to
 that obtained by Christ.
 -- H. L. Menchen
%%
ARC.angel says "zip.itup"
%%
Arcesilaus had a peculiar habit while conversing of using the expression,
"My opinion is," and "So and so will not agree to this."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Arcesilaus, xii
%%
Archaelogists do it by trowel and era!
%%
Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins...
%%
Archaeologists date anything!
%%
Archaeologists do it in the dirt.
%%
Archaeologists do it with mummies.
%%
Archaeologists like it old.
%%
Archaeologists make the best husbands.  The older you get, the more
they're interested.
 -- Agatha Christie
%%
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
%%
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
%%
ARCHBISHOP, n.  An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a
bishop.

    If I were a jolly archbishop,
    On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --
    Salmon and flounders and smelts;
    On other days everything else.
                                                              Jodo Rem
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
%%
Archers make better lovers cause they have longer shafts.
%%
Archers use longer shafts.
%%
Archery: Beau N. Arrow
%%
Archimedes had no principles!
%%
Archimedes had stated, that given the force, any given weight might
be moved; and even boasted that if there were another earth, by going
into it he could remove this.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Marcellus
%%
ARCHITECT, n.  One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft
of your money.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ARCHITECTS are responsible for the tallest erections.
%%
Architects do it late.
%%
Architects have great plans.
%%
ARCHITECTURAL HISTORIANS can tell you who put it up, how big it was
%%
Architectural Indigestion:
 The almost obsessive need to live in a 'cool' architectural
environment. Frequently related objects of fetish include framed
black-and-white art photography (Diane Arbus a favorite); simplistic
pine furniture; matte black high-tech items such as TVs, stereos, and
telephones; low-wattage ambient lighting; a lamp, a chair, or table
that alludes to the 1950s; cut flowers with complex names.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Architecture is not a business, not a career, but a crusade and a
consecration to a joy that justifies the existence of the earth.
 -- Henry Cameron
%%
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
 -- Philip Johnson
%%
Architecture is the printing press of all ages, and gives a history
of the state in which it was conducted.
 -- Lady Morgan
%%
ARCHITECTURE MAJORS stay up all night
%%
Architecture: Whatever we choose to implement.
 -- FMS Project Leader
%%
ARDOR, n.  The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions
 always manage to keep up with yesterday.
%%
A reactionary is a somnambulist walking backward.
 -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
%%
A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed
antipersonnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.
%%
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:       "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."
%%
A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us.
 -- W. H. Auden
%%
A real bully is always a coward, for their lurks in such a person the fear
 of finding someone even worse than himself at what he is doing.
%%
A real christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.
%%
A real computer scientist does not mind UNIX, simple commands like
mail and readnews rarely fail.

A real programmer does not mind UNIX, it can be easily circumvented.

A real software engineer does not care what operating system he runs
his Software Verification Aid package on.

A real user cares about UNIX, but nobody cares about him.
%%
A real computer scientist will dedicate months of patient effort to
reduce the asymptotic time of an algorithm from n log log n to n log
log log n and never implement it.

A real programmer come up with the n log log log n solution while eating
cold pizza in the morning and then implements an n^2 solution anyway.

A real software engineer derives the n log log log n solution using the
formal specification and then discards it as an implementation detail.

A real user doesn't even understand what a n log log log n solution
means.
%%
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat
without having his neighbor notice it.
 -- Trygve Lie
%%
A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself,
lets you forget it.
%%
A real friend isn't someone you use once and throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use again and again.
%%
"A real friend is someone who takes a winter vacation on a sun-drenched
 beach, and doesn't send a card."
 -- Farmer's Almanac
%%
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through.
%%
A real lady never asks, "was *what* good for me?"
%%
A really busy person never knows how much he weighs.
 -- Edgar Watson Howe
%%
A really good bass is the hardest drunk to find.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
A really plain woman is one who, however beautiful, neglects to charm.
 -- Edgar Aaltus
%%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
 that the system works.
%%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real
reason.
%%
A real programmer's girlfriend wears a G$.
%%
A real spoilsport is someone who muddles up a good argument with facts.
%%
A reasonable Conservative is hard to find.
%%
A reasonable doubt for a reasonable fee
 -- Motto of Hunter S. Thompson's lawyer
%%
Are beer commercials great or what?
%%
Are Casey and Kildare a "paradox"?
%%
Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has
not entertained the dream of doing just as he likes, when and how he likes,
and as much as he likes?
 -- Fernand Mery
%%
Are cats really intelligent aliens taking over the earth?
%%
Are cats supposed to thump when you dry 'em in the dryer?
%%
Are CD's really the Pits?
%%
A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the
agency would continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately
after any national emergency -- "especially resulting from nuclear
attack."
%%
A recently dug hole is here. It appears that the hole leads
to another room.
%%
A recent moralist has affirmed that the human heart is like a jug.  No
mortal can look into its recesses, and you can only judge of its purity
by what comes out of it.
%%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
 scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects...
%%
A recent survey conclusively proves that the reason why most women rub
 their eyes when they wake up in the morning is because they haven't any
 balls to scratch.
%%
A recession is what takes the wind out of your sales.
%%
A recession is when my neighbor loses his job. A depression is when
I lose my job. A panic is when my wife loses her job.
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
A Rechabite poor Will must live,
And drink of Adam's ale.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- The Wandering Pilgrim
%%
Are Cheerios really donut seeds?
%%
A recipe doesn't belong to anyone
 -- Edward Espe Brown
%%
Are condoms adequate protection? Nope, you'll also have to have fire and
 casualty, even if you don't drive.
%%
A record number of savings-and-loan failures left America with a nationwide
 shortage of flimsy toaster ovens, cheap pocket calculators, and ugly
 dinnerware.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
A record of data is essential: it shows you were working.
%%
Are crooked teeth supporting evidence for the theory of contidental
drift?
%%
Are deaf psychiatrists better listeners?
%%
A red nose can be the result of sunshine or moonshine.
%%
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
%%
A reefer a day....  I forget the rest.
%%
Are eleven thousand people worth fifty billion?  Is the love of a woman
  worth the destruction of an entire species?
 -- Kevin, "The Survivors", stardate 43152.4
%%
A reformer is a guy who rides through a sewer in a glass bottomed boat.
%%
A reformer wants his conscience to be your guide.
%%
A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power.
%%
Are Girl Scout cookies made with real Girl Scouts ??
%%
Are hex wrenches made for opening computers?
%%
Are humans good to eat Daddy?
%%
A relationship is like a shark - it has to keep moving forward or it dies.
Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
A relationship is what happens between two people who are waiting for something
better to come along.
%%
A RELIABLE SOURCE - The guy you just met.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
A religion can no more afford to degrade its Devil than to degrade its God.
%%
A religion is a cult with an adequate army
%%
A religious conservative is a fanatic about a dead radical.
%%
A remarkable characteristic of the Americans is the manner in which
they have applied science to modern life... In England an inventor is
regarded almost as a crazy man, and in too many instances invention
ends in disappointment and poverty.  In America an inventor is
honored, help is forthcoming, and the exercise of ingenuity, the
application of science to the work of man, is there the shortest road to
wealth.
 -- Oscar Wilde, Lecture in England (1883) after return from America.
%%
A remarkable race are the Persians;
 They have such peculiar diversions.
 They make love the whole day
 In the usual way
 And save up the nights for perversions.
%%
"Are my car indicators working?"
"Yes, no, yes, no . . . "
%%
ARENA, n.  In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman
wrestles with his record.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:arena: [UNIX] n. The area of memory attached to a process by
   `brk(2)' and `sbrk(2)' and used by `malloc(3)' as
   dynamic storage.  So named from a `malloc: corrupt arena'
   message emitted when some early versions detected an impossible
   value in the free block list.  See {overrun screw}, {aliasing
   bug}, {memory leak}, {memory smash}, {smash the
   stack}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Are not within the leaf of pity writ.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
Aren't cats just widdle furry balls of love?
%%
Aren't we way overdue for a year of Jubilee?
%%
Aren't you a little old to believe in human tales?
 -- Chrysta's father.
%%
Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
 -- Leia to Luke during first rescue. (Star Wars)
%%
Aren't you forgetting something?
%%
Aren't you glad that everything is going so smoothly?
%%
Aren't you glad we don't all live on Uranus?
%%
Aren't you glad you asked?
%%
Aren't you Glad you found NetUsers?  :-)
%%
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
%%
Aren't you glad your mother didn't have an abortion?
%%
Aren't you glad you use Dial?  Don't you wish everybody did?
%%
"Aren't you Surprised?" by Omar Gosch
%%
Are people more important than the grizzly bear? Only from the point of view
of some people.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Are Philipino contortionists manila folders?
%%
A reported fact states that murders of immediate family members account
for nearly 25% of all murders committed. Think about that the next time
you yell at your sister for taking too long in the bathroom.
%%
A reporter is pestering her at a party.

R: "have you ever had your ears pierced"
DP: "No, but I've often had them bored"
%%
        A Requiem For Today's Technologist
A computer is my lover
The only life I've ever known
I've given it my soul
And in return I've got it's own.

I tried to love a human
But he filled my days with pain
The ache was so intense, I swore
I'd not love man again.

My love went to the computer
For it was quick and smart,
And it would never hurt me -
Until it became my heart.

The life in me has died -
The greatest pain I've ever known -
From the computer as my lover
And the empty soul I own.
%%
Are RAM chips better than COW chips? Hmmm, I wonder...
%%
Are RAM chips better than EWE chips?
%%
Are romance really Italian insects?
%%
Are Russian leaders overweight and out of shape? The new national symbol is
 the hammer and fudgesicle.
 -- Carl Wolfson
%%
A researcher:   someone looking for technical help after 5 o'clock.
%%
 A research project not worth doing at all isn't worth doing well.
 -- Gordon's First Law
%%
A research team : a group of individuals who cannot stand one
another, working on a project of national or global importance.
%%
A reserved lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband.
 -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
ARE: sixty minutes.  "Ah'll meet yew thar in about a are!"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
Are taglines protected by look and feel, Lotus?
%%
Are tectonic plates dishwasher-safe?
 -- Herb Caen, S. F. Chronicle, 8/12/93
%%
Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or only
pretending to be mad?
%%
Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?

Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of
Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman."
%%
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?"
 -- Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
%%
"Are there many fires in Norway?"
"Oh Good Lord yes.  The place is a constant blaze!"
 -- Monty Python
%%
Are there not, dear Michal,
Two points in the adventure of the diver,--
One, when a beggar he prepares to plunge;
One, when a prince he rises with his pearl?
Festus, I plunge.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Paracelsus, Part i
%%
Are there those in the land of the brave
Who can tell me how I should behave
 When I am disgraced
   Because I erased
      A file I intended to save?
%%
Are these the choice dishes the Doctor has sent us?
Is this the great poet whose works so content us?
This Goldsmith's fine feast, who has written fine books?
Heaven sends us good meat, but the Devil sends cooks?
 -- David Garrick (1716-1779)
 -- Epigram on Goldsmith's Retaliation, Vol. ii, p. 157
%%
..  are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are the taglines too long, or is the tagline-space to sh
%%
"Are they being mistreated?"
  "Only by a few fanatics. Mostly local anchormen."
 -- Doonesbury
%%
Are they taking DDT?
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan
 -- AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice, 4/30/92
 -- (reported in Esquire, 8/92, and NY Post early May 92)
%%
   Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?    I asked Colletti as he
showed us these scratches on his chest.  No, those are on my back, Colletti
answered.    This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me.   I told her
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have
a mind of their own.
 -- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs
 -- National Lampoon, October 1982
%%
Are thunder thighs produced by "eat" lighting?
%%
A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to
 the unseen fish as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down.
 This may sting just a little bit."
%%
A return with no gosub.
%%
Are Vampires afraid of something?
%%
A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's
obvious mistakes.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete or a
new canvas to an artist.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXV
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
A revolving lithic conglomerate accrues no lichen.
%%
Are we alone in an uncaring universe, or is God some kind of wiseguy?
 -- Matt Groening
%%
Are we at last brought to such a humiliating and debasing
degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our own
defense? Where is the difference between having our arms in our
own possession and under our own direction, and having them under
the management of Congress? If our defense be the _real_ object
of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with
more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?
 -- Patrick Henry
%%
Are we being too literal?
%%
Are we controlled by secret forces?
%%
ARE WE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP --
Or just doing research on each other?
%%
Are we live or on tape?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we lovers or just friends in bed?
%%
Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?
%%
Are we not men?
%%
Are we not men?
We are DEVO!
%%
Are we not men?
We are Vaxen.
%%
Are we on STRIKE yet?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we running light with overbyte?
%%
Are we sufficiently off-topic yet?
%%
Are we supposed to be having fun yet?
%%
"Are we there Yet?" Miles Away
%%
Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?
%%
Are we THERE yet?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we to mark this day with a white or a black stone?
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. x
%%
Are we undead - or what?
%%
Are XXX .gif's released to the pubic domain?
%%
Are you ABNORMAL?  Then you are probably better than most people!
  Are alien space monsters bringing a STARTLING NEW WORLD?
 -- The Book of the SubGenius
%%
Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE about this *.*?
%%
Are you a cardinal?
%%
Are you a computer friendly user?
%%
Are you a conservative?  I'd slap you, but sh*t splatters.
%%
Are you adjusting to your new environment Commander?
I find the constraints a bit difficult to conform to. Just a while ago I
  had to stop myself from killing Commander Riker.
 -- Troi and Kurn, "Sins of the Father", stardate 43685.2
%%
Are you a foul flea, or just a scummy snake?
%%
Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
%%
Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head?
%%
Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, squeak up!
%%
Are you a Photometric Polytechnic graduate?
%%
Are you a Romulan?
 -- Kareen to Worf, "The Schizoid Man", stardate 42437.5
%%
Are you a schizo? - If so, that makes four of us.
%%
Are you a slob, or just a rectum?
%%
Are you a turtle?
%%
"Are you Catholic?"
  "Episcopalian, and not very."
"Ja, ja.  Agnoztic."
 -- From "The Badger"
%%
Are you certain quantum mechanics is a science?
%%
Are you changing your mind, or is your mind changing you?
%%
Are you enjoying yourself?
%%
Are You Experienced?
%%
AreYou Fat And Ugly?  Do You Want To Be Just Ugly?
Memberships Available. Now.
 -- Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City
%%
Are you getting sick and tired of people saying some nerdy thing to you
 like: "Have a nice day!" Sometimes people say this to me while wishing that
 if I die, I do it on cheap embalming fluid. They don't mean it. So, I have
 an answer for it. "Have a nice day," they say. "I have other plans!" I tell
 them.
%%
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
 -- from The Goon Show
%%
     "Are you going to see him Samoa?"  "Don't be Sicily, he's a Spain
in the neck."
%%
Are you going to sleep at all tonight?!
%%
Are you good men and true?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Are you having fun? I am.
%%
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
%%
Are you kidding me? You must be kidding me!
%%
Are you left-handed or backwards?
%%
Are you making this up as you go along?
%%
Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.
 -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are you offering a solution, or are you just another part of the problem?
%%
Are you on an ego trip?   You forgot your luggage.
%%
Are you online? Good!  Hit  to take the I.Q. Test.
%%
Are you out of my mind?
%%
Are you out of your mind?
%%
Are you practicing to be a politician?
%%
Are you prepared to defend yourself?
%%
Are you reading my buttons, or are you transfixed by my
beauty?
%%
Are you ready for the Lord Jesus to come back?
%%
"Are you REALLY a Borg?"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Are your eyes open or are you like using the Force?
%%
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Do you wish you worked for IBM where everyone wore the same
   kind of charcoal grey suit?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
   or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?

 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
%%
Are you saying "Ni!" to that old woman?
%%
Are you scared?
%%
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat?
%%
Are you stoned or just stupid?
%%
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate??!?
%%
Are you suggesting we betray her?
Oh, yes.
...Alright.
 -- Edmund and Ludwig : Chains
%%
Are you sure it isn't time for another colorful metaphor?
 -- Spock, "The Voyage Home,"  stardate 8390.
%%
Are you SURE it's plugged in?
%%
Are you sure (N/N)?
%%
"Are you SURE that Moriarty isn't planning to kill me?"
  "Of course not... he *knows* you're an idiot."
"Thank God!"
 -- "Holmes" and Watson discuss Yours Truly in WITHOUT A CLUE
%%
Are you sure this isnt a good time 4 a colorful tagline?
%%
Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder?
Absolutely. I mean, there may have been a few more armament factories,
  and not _quite_ as many elephants, but...
 -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Are you sure (Y/N)?
%%
Are you sure you really wanted to know that?
%%
Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?
 No, M'am.     Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat.
%%
Are you sure you won't change your mind?
Is there something wrong with the one I have?
 -- Gillian & Spock,  "The Voyage Home,"  stardate 8390.
%%
Are you sure (Y/Y)?
%%
Are you telling me that's a pussy cat?
Yes, I suppose you could call it that.
 -- Yar and Worf about a Klingon Targ, "Where No One Has Gone Before",
 -- stardate 41263.1
%%
"Are you the cutest thing in all the world?"
"No, but I'm in the top 10"
 -- Michelle
%%
Are you the dreamer or just the dream?
%%
Are you the same person you were ten years ago? twenty?
%%
Are you trying to catch the bird?
%%
Are you trying to determine what is under the floor?
%%
Are you trying to explore beyond the plover room?
%%
Are you trying to get into the cave?
%%
Are you trying to pull a Clinton on me?
%%
Are you trying to somehow deal with the snake?
%%
Are you user-friendly?
%%
Are you virus free? Be sure with URINALIS.EXE.
%%
Are you waiting for your prey?
%%
Are you wearing a toupe or is that a TRIBBLE on your head?
%%
ARF, ARF, ARF ARF ARF!!!
%%
:arg: /arg/ n. Abbreviation for `argument' (to a function),
   used so often as to have become a new word (like `piano' from
   `pianoforte').  "The sine function takes 1 arg, but the
   arc-tangent function can take either 1 or 2 args."  Compare
   {param}, {parm}, {var}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours."
 -- Richard Bach --  Messia's Handbook, Reminders for the Advanced Soul
"Argue for your greatness and that too shall be yours."
 -- Michael Sky
%%
Argue for your limitations and you get to keep them.
 -- Richard Bach
%%
Arguement? No, this is Abuse. You want next door.
%%
Argue only when you have a chance of winning.
%%
Argue with yourself and LOSE???-- PROBLEM!!.
%%
Argument, as usually managed, is the worst sort of conversation, as in
books it is generally the worst sort of reading.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
Arguments are extremely vulgar,
for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Arguments are lost only to bigots.
 -- Liberal Rule # 3
%%
Arguments are lost only to communists.
 -- Conservative Rule #4
%%
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
%%
Arguments only confirm people in their own opinions.
 -- Booth Tarkington
%%
Arguments seem futile to me, for behind every argument I have ever heard
lies the astounding ignorance of someone.
 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis (1856-1941)
%%
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
 -- Kehlog Albran, The Profit
%%
A rhapsody of words.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
A rhinocerous's horn is made of hair.
%%
A rich person's joke is always funny.
%%
A rickety wooden bridge extends across the chasm, vanishing into the
mist.  A sign posted on the bridge reads, "STOP! Pay troll!"
%%
ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
%%
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
 nice.
%%
ARIES    March 21 - April 19
You have a great enegry, and are always enthusiastic.  Your
vivaciousness is nauseating to others.  You concentrate on future
success to avoid confronting your past and present failures.  You have
strong relationships with people much younger than yourself.
%%
Aries' ram whenever possible
%%
A right delayed is a right denied.
%%
A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast; but the tender mercies
of the wicked are cruel.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xii, 10
%%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
 -- Ramsey Clark
%%
A ring is a hole with a rim round it.
%%
A ring of adornment protects against Nymphs.
%%
"A ring of power looks after itself, Frodo.  It may slip off
treacherously, but its keeper never abandons it."
 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
%%
Arise, Sir Doctor.
 -- Kamelion, King's Demons
%%
Aristippus being asked what were the most necessary things for well-born
boys to learn, said, "Those things which they will put in practice
when they become men."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristippus, iv
%%
Aristippus said that a wise man's country was the world.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristippus, xiii
%%
Aristocracy is always cruel.
 -- Wendell Phillips
%%
ARISTOCRACY, n.  Government by the best men.  (In this sense the word
is obsolete; so is that kind of government.)  Fellows that wear downy
hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank
accounts.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Aristodemus, a friend of Antigonus, supposed to be a cook's son, advised
him to moderate his gifts and expenses. "Thy words," said he, "Aristodemus,
smell of the apron."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Antigonus I
%%
Aristophanes turns Socrates into ridicule in his comedies, as making
the worse appear the better reason.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Socrates, v
%%
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle...
%%
Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he
 was twice married, it never occured to him to verify this statement by
 examining his wives' mouths.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
Aristotle said melancholy men of all others are most witty.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 3, Memb. 1, Subsect. 3
%%
Aristotle was all wet!
%%
Aristotle was famous for knowing everything.  He taught that the brain
 exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of
 thinking.  This is true only of certain persons.
 -- Will Cuppy
%%
Aristotle was once asked what those who tell lies gain by it. Said
he, "That when they speak truth they are not believed."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xi
%%
Arithmetical proofs of theorems that do not have arithmetical bases
prove nothing.
 -- G. O. Ashley
%%
ARITHMETIC:
An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.
%%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
 shoes.
 -- Mickey Mouse
%%
A river flowing through one of our large Eastern cities is so polluted
it is considered a fire hazard!
%%
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater.
%%
"Arizona is a rock-n-roll state."
 -- Alice (I want to be your governor) Cooper
%%
ARJ'S BEST, ZIP THE REST.
%%
ARJ there any other reason?
%%
ARJ up your troubles in your old toolkit bag!
%%
Arkansas: Bubble-gum cards are in the Great Books series.
%%
Arkansas figured out a way to get rid of Clinton.
%%
Arkansas people hated Clinton, so they gave US the chance. It worked.
%%
ARKANSAS:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
%%
Arkideo: A kid who hangs around video arcades.
%%
[e-mail] Operator halted!  Star Trek's on!
%%
Arlington - Home of the Texas Rangers!
%%
Arlo Guthrie does it on his Motorcycle.
%%
Armadillo: A mouse built to government specifications.
%%
Armadillo:  cross between a speed bump and Chili Filling.
%%
Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
%%
Armanism:
 After Georgio Armani: an obsession with mimicking the seamless
and (more importantly) *controlled* ethos of Italian couture. Lake
Japanese Minimalism, Armanism reflects a profound inner need for
control.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Arm'd at point exactly, cap-a-pe.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Armed and dangerous, but I forgot where I put it...
%%
ARMED MEN ARE CITIZENS, UNARMED MEN ARE SUBJECTS!!!
%%
Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
%%
Armies aren't known for neatness.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
   Armitage crossed stiffly to the table and took three fat bundles
of New Yen from the pockets of his trenchcoat.  You want to count it?
he asked Yonderboy.
     No, the Panther Modern said.    You'll pay.  You're a Mr. Who.
You pay to stay one.  Not a Mr. Name.
 -- William Gibson, Neuromancer
%%
ARMOR, n.  The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a
blacksmith.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:armor-plated: n. Syn. for {bulletproof}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Arms and the man I sing, who, forced by fate
And haughty Juno's unrelenting hate.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Virgil, Aeneid, Line 1
%%
Arms are made for hugging.
%%
Arms control could mean slapping a fresh boyfriend.
%%
Arms in the hands of citizens (may) be used at individual
discretion...in private self-defense.
 -- John Adams
%%
Arms on armour clashing bray'd
Horrible discord, and the madding wheels
Of brazen chariots rag'd: dire was the noise
Of conflict.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book vi, Line 209
%%
Arm the Unemployed.
%%
Arm th' obdur'd breast
With stubborn patience as with triple steel.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 568
%%
Army food: the spoils of war.
%%
ARN: Add and Reset to Non-zero
%%
ARN: a metallic element.  "Mah muscle is as strong as arn!"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
Arnie: "In my country, we lined all the drug dealers and drug addicts
and shot them in the back of the head."
Fellow cop: "Nah, that wouldn't work here. Too many politicians."
Arnie: "Shoot them first."
 -- "Red Heat"
%%
Arnoldism: Can you open this jar of olives for me.
%%
Arnold Schwarzenegger Stars in "Total Recall of Cthulhu"!
%%
Arnolt devor thosoph teron dubonic bashovisky?
%%
A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it.
%%
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
 -- Blake
%%
A robot, concealing the way
His wires fell into decay,
Was outwardly quite
The Arthurian Knight,
But inwardly Dorian Gray.
 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%%
A robot gigantic and grand
For desalinization was planned,
And tested with bales
Of Chaucerian tales
That came out insipid and bland.
 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%%
A robot played chess with a punch,
But died with a hideous crunch
One day when the pawns
Appeared to be prawns
And he gobbled them up for his lunch.
 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%%
A robot was just as inane
As men in misjudging a jane.
He cared not a pin
For virtues within,
But peripherals drove him insane.
 -- G. A. Mason
%%
A robot who cleaned up a flat
Was perfectly programmed for that,
     And washed every dish
 That a lady might wish -
But vacuumed up poodle and cat.
 -- G. A. Mason
%%
A Robyn,
  Jolly Robyn,
Tell me how thy leman does.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- A Robyn, Jolly Robyn
%%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates
 it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%%
A rolling disk gathers no mos.
%%
A rolling fat woman gathers no flour.
%%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%%
A rolling stone gathers no moose.
%%
A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, but drug convictions are another story.
%%
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 524
%%
A rolling stone is a singing rock group.
%%
A rolling stone is better than a bird in the hand.
%%
A rolling stone makes you flat.
%%
A rolling stone plays loud rock music.
%%
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends,
who demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
"Yet," added he, "none of you can tell where it pinches me."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Aemilius Paulus
%%
A roofer faces involuntary manslaughter charges after eavesdropping.
%%
A room should reflect its occupant.
 -- Kirk, "Wink of an Eye," stardate 5710.5.
%%
A room without books is as a body without a soul.
 -- Sir John Lubbock, Lord Avebury (1834-1915)
%%
A room without books is like a body without a soul.
 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
A root is a flower that disdains fame.
 -- Kahlil Gibran (4/10/1883-1931)
%%
A rosebud set with little wilful thorns,
And sweet as English air could make her, she.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Princess, Part i, Line 153
%%
A rose by any other name would...be something else.
 -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C."
%%
A rose by any other name would likely be
"deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation."
 -- Robert Bullock
%%
A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
%%
A rose is a rose is a rose.... ----'--,-{@
%%
A rose is a rose is a rose, but junk is not junk is not junk. It
is never quite what you think it is.
 -- Richard N. Farmer
%%
A rose is not a rose when it's a brick.
%%
A Rose is sweeter in the budde than full blowne.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues and his England, Page 314
%%
A Rotarian was the first to call John the Baptist "Jack."
%%
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
Around existence twine,
(Oh, bridge that hangs across the gorge!)
ropes of twisted vine.
 -- Basho
%%
A round friendly person dressed in a monk's robe has entered the room.
He He introduces himself as Friar Truck, and offers you an herb.
%%
A round friendly person dressed in a monk's robe has entered the room.
He He introduces himself as Friar Truck, and proceeds to put a horrible
smelling smelling salve on your wounds. It is quite soothing and heals all of
your your wounds! You have completely recovered!
%%
Around here I'm a very responsible person. If
anything happens, I'm responsible.
 -- Secretary's Lament
%%
Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
%%
Around here we do =precision= guess work!
%%
Around you lie the ruins of what was obviously once an enormous
castle. The remains have so degenerated that they blend uniformly into
the forbidding rocks to the north. The beach is visible to the
southeast, and the ground slopes uphill to the south. Another castle
(this one still standing) is visible to the west.
%%
A Royal Egyptian passing wind is a toot uncommon!
%%
A royal train, believe me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
 -- Muad'dib
%%
Arrange your life so that you don't have to be present.
%%
ARRAYED, pp.  Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter
hanged to a lamppost.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ARREST, v.t.  Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

    God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
                                            _The Unauthorized Version_
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Arriving home, they learned that Glenn and Edna Catwomb had been
slain by maniacs.
 -- Beatiful Stories for Ugly Children
%%
Arriving with a large box of paper at a local recycling depot, I was
reprimanded for not separating the paper of color from the white trash.
%%
Arrogance is too often the companion of excellence.
 -- Fox on Power
%%
Arrogant dragon will have cause to repent.
%%
Arrow pointing to the bottom of the door
and the text "Exit for Limbo Dancers".
 -- Seen somewhere in ladies room in Freiburg/Germany
%%
ARRRGGHH!!!! ... (The sound of someone actually learning something)
%%
Arrr, me 'earties!
%%
ARRRRRGGGHHH!!!! ... Tension breaker, had to be done.
%%
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
%%
ARSENIC, n.  A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom
it greatly affects in turn.

    "Eat arsenic?  Yes, all you get,"
        Consenting, he did speak up;
    "'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
        Than put it in my teacup."
                                                             Joel Huck
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ARSONIST do it with fire.
%%
Arsonists of the world, ignite!
%%
Arson may be someone's way of saying, "I don't like you."
%%
Arson - our daughter's brother.
%%
Art and reality are not two independant domains, external to one another,
 between which we can find only mechanical relationships.    On the contra-
  rary, we must understand that art is something completely real, completely
  material.
 -- Pierre Macherey
%%
Art at its most significant is a Distant Early Warning System that can
always be relied on to tell the old culture what is beginning to happen to it.
 -- Marshall McLuhan
%%
Art can't hurt you.
 -- Fred Babb
%%
Art distills sensation and embodies it with enhanced meaning.
 -- Jacques Barzun
%%
Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see.
 -- Paul Klee, Creative Credo
%%
Art doesn't want to be familiar. It wants to astonish us. Or, in some
cases, to enrage us. It wants to move us. To touch us. Not accommodate us,
make us comfortable.
 -- Jamake Highwater, The Language of Vision
%%
Artery -- The study of fine paintings.
%%
Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed.
%%
Art happens - no hovel is safe from it, no prince may depend upon it, the
vastest intelligence cannot bring it about.
 -- James Whistler, Ten O'Clock Lecture
%%
Art has no other object than to set aside the symbols of practical utility,
the generalities that are conventionally and socially accepted, everything
in fact which masks reality from us, in order to set us face to face with
reality itself.
 -- Henri Bergson
%%
Arthritic bureaucracies don't tame new frontiers.
 -- Paul A. Gigot, WSJ, on NASA
%%
Arthur and his wife Muriel were sitting in their Vauxhall Viva eating their
ice cream cornets.  Suddenly two enormous black birds started to flap around on
the bonnet of the car.    Arthur got out and placed his cornet on the bonnet,
instantly causing the birds to calm down.
 "Well, I've never seen that before," said Muriel.
 "Oh,it's just a case of stilling two birds with one's cone."
 -- Steve Wickham
%%
ARTHUR:    ... and I am your king ....
OLD WOMAN: Ooooh!  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an
           autonomous collective ...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:        A scratch?  Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.
ARTHUR:        Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR: (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep) Knights!  Run away!
   Midst echoing shouts of run away the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd
   cow or goose hitting them still.  The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN:   Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR:  I am your king!
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:    Be quiet!  I order you to shut up.
OLD WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR:    I am your king!
OLD WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

%%
ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that, eh?
         That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it
         didn't you?
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:          But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve
                 Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.  He'd just say it.
BROTHER MAYNARD: It's down there carved in stone.
GALAHAD:         Perhaps he was dictating.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: CHARGE!
   [The mighty ARMY charges.  Thundering noise of feet.  Clatter of coconuts.
   Shouts etc.   Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police
   cars roar round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and
   stop them.  TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE.  Black Marias skid up
   behind them.]
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: They're the ones, I'm sure.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: Charge!
   [They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT.  A tremendous twenty
   second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the
   Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are
   comprehensively killed.]
ARTHUR: Run away!  Run away!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: Did you say shrubberies?
ROGER:  Yes.  Shrubberies are my trade.  I am a shrubber.  My name is Roger
        the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Arthur felt happy.  He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working
out so much according to plan.  Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he
would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across
the fields of prehistoric Earth.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors, chop its head off.
BORS:   Right.  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew coming up.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  I am your king!
WOMAN:   Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN:   Well, 'ow did you become king then?
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:        I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR: If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...
   [A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR.  He tries to retain his dignity.]
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Arthur, I have to tell you something very important over in that pub.
%%
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.
        King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
   [Pause]
SOLDIER: Get away!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you
        looked ...
DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior...
ARTHUR: Well ... I AM king.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: Listen, old crone!  Unless you tell us where we can buy a shrubbery,
        my friend and I will ... we will say Ni!
CRONE:  Do your worst!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:   Ni!
BEDEVERE: Nu!
ARTHUR:   No.  Ni!  More like this. Ni!
BEDEVERE: Ni, ni, ni!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  No, hang on!  Just answer the five questions ...
GALAHAD: Three questions ...
ARTHUR:  Three questions ...  And we shall watch ... and pray.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:       Now stand aside worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: (Glancing at his shoulder) 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR:       A scratch?  Your arm's off.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
   Arthur pulls Pin out.  The MONK blesses the grenade as ...
ARTHUR:  (quietly) One, two, five ...
GALAHAD: Three, sir!
ARTHUR:  Three.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: Right! Knights! Forward!
   ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle.  Various shots of them battling on,
   despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR:  Shut up!
DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
         HELP! HELP!  I'm being repressed!
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
WOMAN:   We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR:  What?
DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take it in
         turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the
        plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to
        our land.
SOLDIER: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  Explain again how sheep's
        bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By exploitin'
         the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which
         perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!  If
         there's ever going to be any progress--
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:    Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master that
           Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
           needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR:    Please!
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR: What are you going to do. bleed on me?
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:        What?
BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
ARTHUR:        I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross
               this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
ARTHUR:          What does it say?
BROTHER MAYNARD: It reads ... Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
                 Aramathea. He who is valorous and pure of heart may find
                 the Holy Grail in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh...
ARTHUR:          What?
BROTHER MAYNARD: The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:      Who are you?
TALL KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say Ni!
BEDEVERE:    No!  Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
    at Camelot?!
GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
Arthur, You are a knee biter!!
%%
ARTHUR:       You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Had enough?
ARTHUR:       You stupid bastard.  You havn't got any arms left.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
         I am Arthur, King of the Britons.  [pause]
         I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
         in my Court of Camelot.  [pause]
         You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?  [pause]
         You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
Artichokes ... are just plain annoying.... After all the trouble you go to,
 you get about as much actual "food" out of eating an artichoke as you would
 from licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail
 instead.
 -- "Miss Piggy"
%%
ARTICLE NUMBERING IS IRRELEVANT.   ENCOURAGEMENT IS IRRELEVANT.  YOU WILL
 BECOME ONE WITH THE BORG.
 -- Martin F. Rose ([e-mail])
%%
ARTIFACT:  Something only an art major would know.
%%
ARTIFACT:  The only true fact in an experiment.
%%
artificial climbing: knack of appearing to climb by talking about it. this
technique is best employed far from actual climbing areas, which tend to be
hazardous. small taverns and pizza parlours with an impressionable clientele
are excellent sites for artificial climbing.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
"Artificial Clothing" by Polly Ester
%%
Artificial food is expensive. Nothing makes steak as efficiently as a cow.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Artificial grass
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Artificial insemination: Copulation without representation.
%%
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
 the bull.
 -- Actual excerpt from student science exam papers.
%%
Artificial Intelligence? I'll be impressed when they
invent artificial cunning.
%%
Artificial Intelligence is better than none.
%%
Artificial Intelligence is neither -- it consists of quite natural people
programming computers to do dumb things.
%%
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
%%
Artificial Intelligence is too much of one and not enough of the other.
%%
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones
 in movies.
 -- Bill Bulko
%%
Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
%%
Artiformologicalintactitudinarianisminist
One who studies 4-5 letter latin prefixes and suffixes.
%%
Artillerymen do it with a burst.
%%
Art, I'll take 'Phoenician Architecture' for 100, please.
%%
Art imitates nature as well as it can, as a pupil follows
his master; thus it is a sort of grandchild of God.
[ che l'arte vostra quella, quanto pote,
  segue, come 'l maestro fa il discente;
  si che vostr'arte a Dio quasi e' nepote. ]
 -- Dante, "Inferno," Canto xi, l. 103-105.
%%
Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist
 does the better.
 -- Andre Gide
%%
Art is a deliberate recreation of a new and special reality that grows
from your response to life.  It cannot be copied; it must be created.
%%
Art is a form of catharsis.
 -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)
%%
Art is a jealous mistress, and if a man has a genius for painting,
poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband and an
ill provider.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Art is a jealous mistress.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Wealth"
%%
Art is almost always a political statement -- and politics is almost always
an art.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Art is a moral passion married to entertainment.  Moral passion without
entertainment is propaganda, and entertainment without moral passion
is television.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
%%
Art is an effort to create, beside the real world, a more human world.
 -- Andre Maurois
%%
Art is anything you can get away with.
 -- Marshall McLuhan.
%%
Art is dangerous.
%%
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
 -- Paul Gauguin
%%
Art is I; science is we.
 -- Claude Bernard
%%
Art is like baby shoes. When you coat them with gold, they can no
longer be worn.
 -- John Updike (1932-__), U.S. novelist, short-story writer, poet
%%
Art is long, and time is fleeting,
  And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still like muffled drums are beating
  Funeral marches to the grave.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- A Psalm of Life
%%
Art is long, life short; judgment difficult, opportunity transient.
 -- Goethe (1749-1832)
 -- Wilhelm Meister, Book vii, Chap. ix
%%
Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
Art is meant to disturb.
 -- Georges Braque, Illustrated Notebooks
%%
Art is much less important than life, but what a poor life without it.
 -- Robert Motherwell
%%
Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents,
never allowed into contact with those not sufficiently prepared. Yes,
art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Quoted in Antonina Vallentin, Pablo Picasso, ch. 11 (1957)
%%
Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has
experienced.
 -- Leo Tolstoy
%%
Art is not a thing; it is a way.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Art is not the application of a canon of beauty but what the instinct
and the brain can conceive beyond any canon. When we love a woman
we don't start measuring her limbs.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Conversation avec Picasso, in Cahiers d'Art, vol. 10, no. 10 (1935)
%%
Art is not to be looked at - art is looking at us.
%%
Art isn't something you marry, it's something you rape.
 -- Edgar Degas (1834-1900)
%%
Art is permanent revolution.
 -- Jean-Louis Barrault (1910- ), Contribution, Atlas, December 1968
%%
Art is the creation of forms symbolic of human feeling.
 -- Susanne Langer, Feeling and Form
%%
Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions
of his personality to the world he lives in.
 -- Amy Lowell
%%
Art is the difference between seeing and just identifying.
 -- Jean Mary Norman
%%
Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Art is the objectification of feeling and the subjectification of nature.
 -- Suzanne Langer, Mind
%%
Art is the only thing that can go on mattering once it has stopped hurting.
 -- Elizabeth Bowen
%%
Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.
 -- Twyla Tharp
%%
Art is the only worthwhile endeavor
%%
Art is the stored honey of the human soul, gathered on wings of misery
and travail.
 -- Theodore Dreiser
%%
Art is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death.
%%
"Artistic growth is, more than it is anything else,
 a refining of the sense of truthfulness.  The
 stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only
 the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult
 it is."
 -- Willa Cather
%%
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
%%
Artists are always ready to sacrifice for art, if the price is right.
 -- Gomez Addams
%%
Artists are exhibitionists.
%%
Artists are the antennae of the race, but the bullet-headed many will never
learn to trust the great artists.
 -- Ezra Pound
%%
Artists can color the sky red because they know it's blue. Those of us who
 aren't artists must color things the way they really are or people might
 think we're stupid.
 -- Jules Feiffer
%%
Artists do it by design.
%%
Artists do it in the buff.
%%
ARTISTS do it with creativity.
%%
Artists do it with emotion.
%%
Artists' models make only a bare living.
%%
Art is your fate; don't debate.
 -- Arthur's Laws of Love
%%
ARTLESSNESS, n.  A certain engaging quality to which women attain by
long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased
to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Art lies in concealing art.
%%
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson (1874-1936)
%%
Art may improve, but cannot surpass nature.
 -- Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote (1605-1615)
%%
Art may make a suit of clothes, but Nature must produce a man.
 -- David Hume, "Essays: The Epicurean," 15
%%
ART NEWS
The art world was rocked yesterday at the announcement of Professor Hans
Von Fabre of the discovery of a new primary colour. The fourth primary
colour, to be known as hans, will revolutionise art and technology all
over the world. TV News services worldwide have not been able to broadcas
pictures of the new colour because TV sets are manufactured to generate
pictures from blue red and green, but not hans. Electronics companies have
welcomed the new colour, saying it will increase their income by making
everyone go out to buy new TVs and computer monitors. Art critics have
acclaimed hans as being able to bring a new lease of life to the art
world.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
ART, n.  This word has no definition.  Its origin is related as
follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

    One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? --
    Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
    And said it was a god's name!  Straight arose
    Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
    And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
    And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
    To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
    Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
    Amazed, the populace that rites attend,
    Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
    And, inly edified to learn that two
    Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
    Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
    Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
    Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
    And sell their garments to support the priests.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Artoo, it worked!  I knew you could do it!
 -- C3P0 (Star Wars)
%%
Artoo, you're playing the wrong message!
 -- C3P0 (Star Wars)
%%
Arts and sciences are not cast in a mould, but are formed and perfected
by degrees, by often handling and polishing, as bears leisurely lick
their cubs into form.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. xii, Apology for Raimond Sebond
%%
ART's Choked Heart.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Art, science, philosophy, religion--each offers at best only a crude
simplification of actual living experience.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Art should never try to be popular.
The public should try to make itself artistic.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Art-speech is the only truth. An artist is usually a damned liar, but his
art, if it be art, will tell you the truth of his day.
 -- D. H. Lawrence
%%
Art thou an artist, or art thou art?
%%
Art thou there, truepenny?
Come on--you hear this fellow in the cellarage.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
Art was made to disturb, science reassures.
 -- Georges Braque (1882-1963), French painter
 -- Pensees sur l'Art
%%
A rude and boisterous captain of the sea.
 -- John Home (1724-1808)
 -- Douglas, Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A ruminating animal chews its cubs.
%%
A rumor has it that rumors are just rumors.
%%
A rumor is one thing that gets thicker instead of thinner as it is spread.
 -- Richard Armour
%%
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
 -- John Tudor
%%
A rumour has it that rumours are just rumours.
%%
A running mate is a husband who dared to talk back.
%%
A Russian official came up to a factory worker and said, "If you drank a
 shot of vodka, could you still work?" The worker said, "I think I could."
 The official said, "If you drank two shots of vodka, could you work?" The
 worker said, "I think I could." Then the Russian official said, "If you
 drank five shots of vodka, could you work?" And the worker said, "Well, I'm
 here, aren't I?"
 -- Yakov Smirnoff
%%
Aryse ye technoSerfs! Let us seek out the bloated aristocrats,
and roast them in their own juice
upon the fires of righteousness and justice!
 -- Dan, rabble rousing the contractors
%%
ARZ: Add and Reset to Zero
%%
"As a boy he dreamed of being a ship's captain, but
 gave it up when someone explained to him what
 sharks were ..."
 -- Woody Allen
%%
As a candidate for national elective office the most dangerous thing you
 can do is say something during the campaign that the people might remember.
 -- Eugene McCarthy
%%
"As a character in Gore Vidal's new novel, `Hollywood', says: `What we
invent, others reflect.'  The problem is that the only thing
worse than Guns n' Roses is censorship."
 -- The Economist, 12/23/89
%%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing!
%%
As a confirmed melancholic, I can testify that the best and maybe only
antidote for melancholia is *action*. However, like most melancholics, I
suffer also from sloth.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A sacred burden is this life ye bear:
Look on it, lift it, bear it solemnly,
Stand up and walk beneath it steadfastly.
Fail not for sorrow, falter not for sin,
But onward, upward, till the goal ye win.
 -- Frances Anne Kemble (1811-)
 -- Lines addressed to the Young Gentlemen leaving the Lenox Academy, Mass.
%%
As a criminal organization, the Federal government makes the Mafia
 look like a bunch of purse snatchers.
 -- Kevin S. Van Horn
%%
AS: Add Sideways
%%
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
%%
A sadist is a person who is kind to a masochist.
%%
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit?
There is more hope of a fool than of him.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvi, 11,12
%%
As a dream when one awaketh.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm lxxiii, 20
%%
A safe sperm gathers no defects.
%%
As a former fetus, I OPPOSE ABORTION!
%%
As a general rule, if you want to get at the truth --
hear both sides and believe neither.
 -- Josh Billings, humorist
%%
As a general rule, the most successful man in life is the man who has
the best information.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
As a goatherd learns his trade by goat,
so a writer learns his trade by wrote.
%%
As a grown person, you should know better than to go around advising
 people.
%%
As a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xxiii, 37
%%
As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is
without discretion.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xi, 22
%%
As a kid, I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can
 drink for a dime." So some kid would come up, plunk down the dime, drink a
 glass, and then say, "Refill it." I'd say, "That'll be another dime." "How
 come? Your sign says--" "Well, you had a glass, didn't you?" "Yeah." "And
 that's all you can drink for a dime."
 -- Flip Wilson
%%
As a king he approaches his family.
Fear not.
Good fortune.
%%
"A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid."
 -- Genesis "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
%%
As a little silvery circular ripple, set in motion by the falling
pebble, expands from its inch of radius to the whole compass of a pool,
so there is not a child--not an infant Moses--placed, however softly, in
his bulrush ark upon the sea of time, whose existence does not stir a
ripple, gyrating outward and on, until it shall have moved across and
spanned the whole ocean of God's eternity, stirring even the river of
life, and the fountains at which the angels drink.
 -- Elihu Burritt
%%
As a lodge in a garden of cucumbers.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah i, 8
%%
As a man can drink water from any side of a full tank, so the skilled
theologian can wrest from any scripture that which will serve his
purpose.
 -- Bhagavad Gita
%%
As a man may be eating all day, and for want of digestion is never
nourished, so these endless readers may cram themselves in vain with
intellectual food.
 -- Dr. I. Watts
%%
As a man of more than average caution, I have never felt absolutely
secure until Evans and Novak have spoken.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
 -- Calvin
%%
As a matter of cold fact, a lot of people have no use for you because they
can't use you.
%%
As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy than
  to create.
 -- Spock, "The Wrath of Khan,"  stardate 8130.3.
%%
As a matter of fact, I didn't understand it all.  Only thing I know is
that it looked good.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle after being briefed
 -- on Space Station Freedom by NASA
%%
As a matter of fact, I like beer.
%%
"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression
that isn't.
%%
As a matter of fact it IS rocket science.
%%
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
%%
As a matter of self-preservation, a man needs good friends or ardent
enemies, for the former instruct him and the latter take him to task.
 -- Diogenes
%%
As a member of the world conspiracy, you control your own future.
%%
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically
reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
 -- Anita Bryant, 1977
%%
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
 -- Matt Cartmill
%%
As an artist grows older, he has to fight disillusionment and learn to
establish the same relation to nature as an adult as he had when a child.
 -- Charles Burchfield
%%
As an author, the more sins you confess, the more books you sell.
%%
As androids go, you're in a class by yourself.
 -- Dr. Pulaski to Data, "Unnatural Selection", stardate 42494.
%%
A sand trap on the golf course is a deep depression filled with golfers who
 are in a deep depression.
%%
A sane environment in one in which there is room to be crazy. A crazy
environment is one in which there is no room to be sane.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
As a net is made up of a series of ties, so everything in this world
is connected by a series of ties. If anyone thinks that this mesh of a
net is an independent, isolated thing, he is mistaken. It is called a
net because it is made up of a series of interconnected meshes, and
each mesh has its place and responsibility in relation to other
meshes.
 -- Buddha
%%
As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
%%
"As an old soldier I admit the cowardice: it's as universal as seasickness, and
matters just as little."
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman"
%%
As an ox goeth to the slaughter.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs vii, 22; Jeremiah xi, 19
%%
As any magician will tell you -- Myth Direction is the secret of a successful
steal.
 -- D. Henning
%%
As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick
perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%%
As a result of the last Presidential election it has come to our attention
 that anyone can succeed if they learn to have no ideas and a tremendous
 ability toward precise articulation of these.
%%
As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday...did you enjoy it?
 -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
As a rough rind sometimes covers the sweetest fruit,
so a rough exterior often conceals a kindly and hearty nature.
 -- S. Smiles
%%
As a rule, go with state-of-the-art technology (but don't be first).
 -- Larry Long
%%
As a rule I don't drink--as a habit I do!
%%
As a rule I only study things that suggest music to me...
Recently the character of each planet suggested lots to me.
 -- Gustav Holst
%%
As a rule software systems do not work well until they have been
 used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications.
 -- Dave Parnas, Communications of the ACM (33, 6 June 1990 p.636)
%%
As a rule, there is no surer way to the dislike of men than to behave
well where they have behaved badly.
 -- Lew Wallace
%%
As a student I learned from wonderful teachers
and ever since then I've thought everyone is a teacher.
 -- Bill Moyers, interviews on "Fresh Air", 1991
%%
As Athenodorus was taking his leave of Caesar, "Remember," said he,
"Caesar, whenever you are angry, to say or do nothing before you have
repeated the four-and-twenty letters to yourself."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Caesar Augustus
%%
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself
and then says them about other people.
 -- Peter McArthur
%%
As a Vulcan you will study it [Romulan society].  As a human, you
  would find ways to appreciate it.
 -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
%%
As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting
and realize I'm the only one in the room with balls.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
 -- Starting from Scratch: A Different Kind of Writer's Manual
%%
:asbestos: adj. Used as a modifier to anything intended to protect
   one from {flame}s; also in other highly {flame}-suggestive
   usages.  See, for example, {asbestos longjohns} and {asbestos
   cork award}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:asbestos cork award: n. Once, long ago at MIT, there was a
   {flamer} so consistently obnoxious that another hacker designed,
   had made, and distributed posters announcing that said flamer had
   been nominated for the `asbestos cork award'.  (Any reader in
   doubt as to the intended application of the cork should consult the
   etymology under {flame}.)  Since then, it is agreed that only a
   select few have risen to the heights of bombast required to earn
   this dubious dignity -- but there is no agreement on *which*
   few.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:asbestos longjohns: n. Notional garments donned by {USENET}
   posters just before emitting a remark they expect will elicit
   {flamage}.  This is the most common of the {asbestos}
   coinages.  Also `asbestos underwear', `asbestos overcoat',
   etc.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
As between the skulking and furtive poacher, who hunts for the sake of meat,
and the honest gentleman shooter, who kills for the pleasure of sport, I find
the former a higher type of humanity.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so
modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
As Bourque's dreaming of golf..."MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!"
%%
As boys do sparrows, with flinging salt upon their tails.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Tale of a Tub, Sect. vii
%%
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
%%
As Caesar was at supper the discourse was of death,--which sort was
the best. "That," said he, "which is unexpected."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Caesar
%%
A scallop has 35 eyes.
%%
"A scared psyche is like a used Pinto... you can't
 do anything with it."
 -- David Addison
%%
A scar nobly got is a good livery of honor.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
As cement poured on novelist's grave, the plot thickened.
%%
Ascend: the part of a mountaineer opposite that on which the head is located.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
As ceremony is the invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance,
so good breeding is an expedient to make fools and wise men equal.
 -- Steele
%%
As charity covers a multitude of sins before God, so does politeness
before men.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
As chaste as unsunn'd snow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act ii, Sc. 5
%%
As children gath'ring pebbles on the shore.
Or if I would delight my private hours
With music or with poem, where so soon
As in our native language can I find
That solace?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Regained, Book iv, Line 330
%%
A Scholar asked his Master:
Could you advise me of a proper vocation, Master?

The Master replied:
Some men can earn their keep with the power of their minds.
Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands.
This is the same in nature as it is with man.
Some animals acquire their food easily, such as rabbits, hogs & goats.
Other animals must struggle for their food, like beavers, moles & ants.
So you see, the nature of the vocation must fit the individual.

But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master,
    the scholer sobbed.

Have you ever thought of becoming a salesman?
    . . . the Master queried.
%%
A scholar sent to the United Nations is condemned to attend an eternity
of faculty meetings.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a
scholar.
 -- Lao Tze
%%
A schoolboy's tale, the wonder of an hour!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 2
%%
A school should not be a preparation for life. A school should be life.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
A science is said to be useful if its development tends to accentuate the
existing inequalities in the distribution of wealth, or more directly promotes
the destruction of human life.
 -- Godfrey H. Hardy
%%
A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one.
He would have to ask an engineer to do it for him.
 -- Gordon L. Glegg
%%
A scientist would rather use another scientist's toothbrush than to use
his terminology.
%%
ASCII - a Chinese question
 -- Data communications glossary
%%
ASCII : Ancient deity of telecomputing.
Rumored to bestow vast volumes of data upon supplicants.
Hence the saying  "ASCII and ye shall receive".
%%
ASCII and it shall be given unto you.
%%
ASCII and ye shall RX.
%%
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
%%
:ASCIIbetical order: /as'kee-be'-t*-kl or'dr/ adj.,n. Used to
   indicate that data is sorted in ASCII collated order rather than
   alphabetical order.  This lexicon is sorted in something close to
   ASCIIbetical order, but with case ignored and entries beginning
   with non-alphabetic characters moved to the end.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ascii evalution--    .   :  !  I  L
%%
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
 -- Benson's Dogma
 -- Gary Benson, [e-mail]
%%
ASCII no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
%%
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
%%
ASCII:
        The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
    become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
   a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
       receive."
 -- Robb Russon
%%
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
%%
ASCII -- what you do-ie if you don't know-ie.
%%
As clear and as manifest as the nose in a man's face.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 3, Memb. 4, Subsect. 1
%%
As clear as a whistle.
 -- John Byrom (1691-1763)
 -- Epistle to Lloyd, I
%%
As cold as any stone.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
As cold as cucumbers.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- Cupid's Revenge, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxv, 25
%%
As confused as a termite in a wood yo-yo.
%%
A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."
%%
A scrap of paper flutters in on the wind and falls at your feet.
%%
A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!
%%
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.)
%%
A scrum to Ireland, who have their tails up right under the Welsh crossbar.
%%
A scurfy child needs be combed.
 -- Everyday Danish Proverb
%%
As cute as a baby alligator!
%%
As cute as a baby raptor.
%%
...As dead as that squirrel.
Which squirrel?
(Amy shoots, we hear an 'eep' as the bullet hits, and a thud
as the creature falls to the ground)
...Oh, _that_ squirrel.
 -- Amy and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Asdjfalsdjflasdjfalkdjflakjdflakjdfa: Command not found.
%%
As down in the sunless retreats of the ocean
  Sweet flowers are springing no mortal can see,
So deep in my soul the still prayer of devotion,
  Unheard by the world, rises silent to Thee.
%%
As dreadful as the Manichean god,
Adored through fear, strong only to destroy.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book v, The Winter Morning Walk, Line 444
%%
As easy as 1, 2, 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510
%%
A second Daniel, a Daniel, Jew!
Now, infidel, I have you on the hip.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A second marriage is when optimism exceeds experience.
%%
A second voice interrupted, cutting off the controller.  "Pleiades, this is
Station Commander Perez.  Prepare to receive emergency telemetry."

"Affirmative."       Teresa swallowed, knowing what this meant.  She felt Mark
lean past her to make sure the ship's datasuck boxes were operating at top
speed.   In that mode they recorded every nuance for one purpose only, so
endangered spacers could obey rule number one of their trade . . .

        *Let the next guy know what killed you.*
 -- David Brin, "Earth"
%%
A secret admirer of Rush Limbaugh?  ...
%%
A secret in his mouth, Is like a wild bird put into a cage; Whose
door no sooner opens, but 'tis out.
 -- Johnson
%%
A secret prize in every call.
%%
A secret.  Shhh.  Keep it to yourself.  Really.  Don't tell anyone.
%%
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the
vexation of thinking.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
A seedy-looking individual with a large bag just wandered through
the room.  On the way, he quietly abstracted all valuables from the
room and from your possession, mumbling something about, "Do unto
others before...".
%%
A selection from the Taoist Writings:
Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness?'
Confucius said:  `To be in one's inmost heart in kindly sympathy with all
things; to love all men and allow no selfish thoughts: this is the nature
of benevolence and righteousness.'
 -- Kwang-tzu
%%
A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope."
%%
A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made
when he marries.
%%
A self-perpetuating fascist state that will last to the end of humanity.
%%
A self-starting oscillator won't.
%%
A semicolon after the word 'do' or 'then' is probably wrong.
%%
A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliche.
%%
A Semihemidemiquaver gives me a trill!
%%
A semitone flat on the high notes.
%%
As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit
are the greatest blabbers.
 -- Plato (428-348? B.C.)
%%
A Senator, speaking of our current Vice President, whose name shall not be
 mentioned (we don't like hate mail written in crayon!): "I think if you put
 his brain on the edge of a very fine razor, it would be like a BB, rolling
 down the middle of I-70."
%%
As engineers, we try to provide for the future, but our crystal balls
are notoriously cloudy and our ability to predict market trends is
marginal at best.
%%
A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
%%
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.

It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the ground.
 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
%%
A sense of duty is useful in work, but harmful in personal relations.
%%
A sense of duty pursues us ever. It is omnipresent, like the Deity.
If we take to ourselves the wings of the morning, and dwell in the
uttermost parts of the sea, duty performed or duty violated is still
with us, for our happiness or our misery. If we say the darkness shall
cover us, in the darkness as in the light our obligations are yet
with us.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Argument on the Murder of Captain White, April 6, 1830, Vol. vi, p. 105
%%
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and
 achievement.
%%
A sense of shame is not a bad moral compass.
 -- Colin Powell
%%
A sentence well couched takes both the sense and the understanding. I love not
those cart-rope speeches that are longer than the memory of man can fathom.
 -- Fletham
%%
A sepulchral voice reverberating through the cave, says, "Cave closing
soon.  All adventurers exit immediately through main office."
%%
A serious public debate about the validity of astrology?  A serious
believer in the White House?  Two of them?  Give me a break.  What
stifled my laughter is that the image fits.  Reagan has always exhibited
a fey indifference toward science.  Facts, like numbers, roll off his
back.  And we've all come to accept it.  This time it was stargazing
that became a serious issue....Not that long ago, it was Reagan's
support of Creationism....Creationists actually got equal time with
evolutionists.  The public was supposed to be open-minded to the claims
of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were scientific
colleagues....It has been clear for a long time that the president is
averse to science...In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly
American turf....But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science
easily turns into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even
nonsense.  The same people who doubt experts can also believe any
quackery, from the benefits of laetrile to eye of newt to the movement of
planets.  We lose the capacity to make rational -- scientific --
judgments.  It's all the same.
 -- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper
 -- Company-Washington Post Writers Group
%%
A servant with this clause
  Makes drudgery divine;
Who sweeps a room as for Thy laws
  Makes that and th' action fine.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- The Elixir
%%
A set of pen pals over the years developed a romance which ended when
they exchanged pictures, a photo finish.
%%
A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.
%%
                A Severe Strain on the Credulity

As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one
considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
%%
As ever in my great Taskmaster's eye.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- On his being arrived to the Age of Twenty-three
%%
As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every minute of time.
 -- Mason
%%
A sex change is in your future.
%%
As expected, the victorious candidate in a particularly dirty recent political
campaign, won by a mudslide.
%%
A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.
 -- Marilyn Monroe
%%
As famous as the unknown soldier.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
As far as angels' ken.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 59
%%
As far as can be known, one of the major purposes for the entire State of
 Iowa is to keep Minnesota from sinking and hitting Missouri.
%%
As far as I can see, the greater amount of education which a part of
the working class has employed for some years past, is an evil.  It
is dangerous because it makes them independent.
 -- J. Geddes (1865) [British glassworks owner]
%%
As far as I can tell, you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to
  a pile of poo...
Charming.
 -- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
As far as Racecars go: Bring them on, I'm ready!!!
%%
As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is
neither a strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational arts, nor
is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he as a soldier.   Other
than that, he's a great military man, I want you to know that.
 -- General Norman Schwarzkopf, 2/27/91
%%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
As far as the men who are running for President are concerned, they aren't
 even people I would date.
 -- Nora Ephron
%%
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle
a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.
 -- C. G. Jung
%%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
 -- Weisert
%%
As Far Back As I Can Remember, I Always Wanted To Be A Gangster.
 -- Henry Hill, Brooklin, N.Y. 1955
%%
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods;
they kill us for their sport.
 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
%%
As for a camel
To thread the postern of a small needle's eye.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
%%
As for cats being from this planet, I don't think ANY of them are.
%%
As for life, it is a battle and a sojourning in a strange land; but
the fame that comes after is oblivion.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ii, 17
%%
As for man his days are as grass; as a flower of the field so he flourisheth.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm ciii, 15
%%
As for me and my house, I will serve the turkey!
%%
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as
  I ever did.
 -- Robert Benchley (1889-1945)
%%
As formerly we suffered from crimes, so now we suffer from laws.
 -- Tacitus
%%
"As for that," said Waldenshare, "sensible men are all of the same
religion." "Pray, what is that?" inquired the Prince. "Sensible men
never tell."
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Endymion, Chap. lxxxi
%%
As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the core
of what I like about cyberpunk. And it's the core of what I like about certain
pre-gibson neophile techie SF writers that certain folks here like to put
down. Not everyone makes the same assumptions. I haven't lost my mind... it's
backed up on tape.
 -- Peter da Silva
%%
As for the brandy, "nothing extenuate;" and the water, put nought in in malice.
 -- Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857)
 -- Shakespeare Grog
%%
[A]s for the rest of the distance around the inhabited earth which
has not been visited by us up to the present time (because of the
fact that the navigators who sailed in opposite directions never met),
it is not of very great extent, if we reckon from the parallel distances
that have been traversed by us...  For those who undertook circumnavigation,
and turned back without having achieved their purpose, say that they
were made to turn back, not because of any continent that stood in
their way and hinde red their further advance, inasmuch as the sea
still continued open as before, but because of their destitution and
loneliness.
 -- Strabo, Geography, ca. 7 B.C.
%%
As for the size of v7, wc -l /usr/sys/*/*.[chs] is 19271.
 -- Dennis Ritchie, 1989
%%
As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
 -- Frederic Reynolds
%%
As fresh as morning dew distill'd on flowers.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
As full, as perfect, in vile man that mourns
As the rapt seraph that adores and burns:
To Him no high, no low, no great, no small;
He fills, he bounds, connects, and equals all!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 277
%%
As full-blown poppies, overcharg'd with rain,
Decline the head, and drooping kiss the plain,--
So sinks the youth; his beauteous head, deprest
Beneath his helmet, drops upon his breast.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book viii, Line 371
%%
As funny as a baby playing with a loaded gun.
%%
As funny as a concrete parachute.
%%
As funny as a dead baby joke in a crematorium.
%%
As funny as a one-way ticket to Hell.
%%
As funny as a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward.
%%
As funny as a rubber crutch.
%%
As funny as a screen door on a submarine.
%%
As Gandhi once said, "Holy Cow!"
%%
As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
As geographers, Sosius, crowd into the edges of their maps parts of
the world which they do not know about, adding notes in the margin
to the effect that beyond this lies nothing but sandy deserts full
of wild beasts, and unapproachable bogs.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Theseus
%%
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As long as I live, I'll hear waterfalls and birds and winds sing.  I'll inter-
pret the rocks, learn the language of the flood, storm and avalanche.  I'll
acquaint myself with the glaciers and wild gardens, and get as near to the
heart of the world as I can.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
As God as my witness I thought turkeys could fly!
%%
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS I AM INNOCENT
 - But He won't be there at the committal proceedings.
%%
As God is my witness - I am that fool!
 -- Gomez Addams
%%
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again
 -- Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the wind
%%
As good almost kill a man as kill a good book: who kills a man kills
a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book
kills reason itself.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Areopagitica
%%
As good luck would have it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
A Shade Below Neon: not too bright!
%%
As half in shade and half in sun
  This world along its path advances,
May that side the sun 's upon
  Be all that e'er shall meet thy glances!
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Peace be around Thee
%%
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
As happy as if he had brains.
%%
As hard as finding a piece of hay in an incredibly large stack of needles
 -- BlackAdder
%%
As hard as you try, the book cannot be closed.
%%
A sharp stick, which appears to have been broken at one end, is here.
%%
A sharp tongue and a dull mind are often found in the same head.
%%
As having nothing, and yet possessing all things.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Corinthians vi, 10
%%
As headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
As he brews, so shall he drink.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Every Man in his Humour, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A shelf of classics for our young adults: Tolkien, Hesse, Casteneda, Kerouac,
Salinger, Tom Robbins, and "The Last Whole Earth Catalog".
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
As he said in Machiavel, omnes eodem patre nati, Adam's sons, conceived
all and born in sin, etc. "We are by nature all as one, all alike,
if you see us naked; let us wear theirs and they our clothes, and
what is the difference?"
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part ii, Sect. 2, Memb. 2
%%
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
%%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if God won't have you, the devil must.
%%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
If you don't take it out and use it
its going to rust.
 -- Highlander
%%
As he thinketh in his heart, so is he.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxiii, 7
%%
A shining beacon in an electronic void
%%
A ship in harbor is safe -- but that is not what ships are for.
 -- John A. Shedd
%%
A ship is always referred to as "she"
because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder.
 -- Chester Nimitz, Speech, 13 February 1940
%%
A shoal of fishes. Favor comes through the court ladies.
Everything acts to further.
%%
A short horse is soone currid.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. x
%%
A short letter to the editor published in the Saturday, June 20 1992
edition of the Los Angeles Times:
   I didn't get burned on my last auto repair bill.
   I got Seared.
%%
A short saying oft contains much wisdom.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Aletes, Frag. 99
%%
A short speech is often a good speech and certainly has the advantage of
 being much less able to be a bad speech than a long speech. A long speech
 is often a bad speech precisely because it was not a short speech. One
 seldom need repent of having said too little, but often needs much
 repentence for having said far too much in too many ways too often, all
 within the same speech. If you can't strike oil in ten minutes of public
 speaking, stop boring and admit you have hit a dry hole.
%%
A shotgun wedding is a matter of wife or death.
%%
A shot in the dark = searching for a needle in hay stack.
%%
A shot rang out, "BARNEY" hit the floor.  No more purple dinosaur!
%%
A shower is the halfway point between bed and world.
%%
A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!
%%
As H. Ross Perot said... "I'm all ears!"
%%
As human beings, that is the way it is.
%%
A shuttle craft seems like an unsafe place to be - drink!
%%
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
 no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
 accident.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject
of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction
in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless
conversions -- to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and
has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with.   The
problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to
a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and
irrational -- the powers of reason are surprisingly ineffective in
changing the believer's mind.
 -- Steve Allen, comedian, from an essay in the book
 -- "The Courage of Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%%
As I awoke this morning,
When all things sweet are born,
A robin perched upon my sill
To hail a happy morn.
He looked so young and fragile,
So sweetly did he sing,
That thoughts of joy and happiness
Into my heart did spring.
I smiled discreetly to myself
As I paused beside my bed,
Then quickly brought the window down,
And smashed his little head!
%%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running
 down my chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at
 all, but a HUMAN HEAD!
%%
A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.
%%
Aside from traffic, nothing has put the brakes on society quite so well as
 a committee.
%%
As if a wheel had been in the midst of a wheel.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ezekiel x, 10
%%
As if Misfortune made the throne her seat,
And none could be unhappy but the great.
 -- Nicholas Rowe (1673-1718)
 -- The Fair Penitent, Prologue
%%
As if the world and they were hand and glove.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Table Talk, Line 173
%%
As if we were villains by necessity; fools by heavenly compulsion.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
 -- Evan Esar
%%
A signature short of a book.
%%
A sign for a superintendent of schools was "Bored of Education"
%%
A sign of our times:  "NO RADIO IN CAR"
%%
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black
 forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
 live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that
 purpose.
%%
As I grow older and older
And totter towards the tomb
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.
 -- Dorothy L. Sayers
%%
As I have said often enough before, I never repeat myself, and so it almost
 goes without saying that I won't repeat myself again.
%%
As I learn, I know about more things I don't yet know.
%%
As ill-luck would have it.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book i, Chap. ii
%%
A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mind like a steel trap.
%%
Asimov of Borg: The Three Laws of Assimilation...
%%
A simple yes would have sufficed.
 -- Picard
%%
As in a theatre, the eyes of men,
After a well-graced actor leaves the stage,
Are idly bent on him that enters next,
Thinking his prattle to be tedious.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
As in certain cults it is possible to
kill a process if you know its true name.
 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
 -- Prof. Steiner
%%
A single conversation across the table with a wise man is worth a months study
of books.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
 -- Joseph Stalin
%%
A single fact can ruin a good argument everytime!
%%
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.

I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
 -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), "One Perfect Rose"
%%
A single has not nearly the value he would have in a state of union.  He
is an incomplete animal.  He resembles the odd half of a pair of
scissors.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
A single idea, if it is right,
saves us the labor of an infinity of experiences.
 -- Jacques Maritain
%%
A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.
%%
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
 -- Donald Kaul
%%
As I said before, "I never repeat myself".
%%
As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow.
%%
As I said to the man with acromegaly, "Why the long face?"
 -- Steve Allen
%%
As I slide down the bannister of life, I see you as a splinter in my
ass!!
%%
As is the bud bit with an envious worm
Ere he can spread his sweet leaves to the air,
Or dedicate his beauty to the sun.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
As it comes together, it becomes very hot and you have to drop it to
keep keep from being burned.
%%
As it fell upon a day
In the merry month of May,
Sitting in a pleasant shade
Which a grove of myrtles made.
 -- Richard Barnfield (1574-1627)
 -- Address to the Nightingale
%%
As it flies by it sounds like it is saying the word "MURDOC"!
%%
As it is in the proverb, played Cretan against Cretan.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Lysander
%%
As it must not, so genius can not be lawless; for it is even this that consti-
tutes genius - the power of acting creatively inder the laws of it's own
orgination.
%%
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?
(One, myself)
%%
As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
    Feeling worse and worser,
There I met a C.R.T.
       And it drop't me a cursor.

C.R.T., C.R.T.,
 Phosphors light on you!
If I had fifty hours a day
   I'd spend them all at you.

 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
%%
As I was going up the stair
 I met a man who wasn't there.
 He wasn't there again today.
 I wish, I wish he'd stay away.
 -- Hughes Mearns, _The Psychoed_
%%
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Projct MAC?
 -- The Great Quux April 12, 1974
%%
As I was saying, I hate it when people don't finish their
%%
As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted
with the enjoyments of Genius; which to Angels look like
torment and insanity.  I collected some of their Proverbs.
 -- William Blake (1757-1827), The Marriage of Heaven and Hell (1790-1793)
%%
As I went under the new telegraph-wire, I heard it vibrating like a
harp high overhead.  It was as the sound of a far-off glorious life,
a supernal life, which came down to us, and vibrated the lattice-work
of this life of ours.
 -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
%%
As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master.  This expresses
my idea of democracy.  Anything that differs from this, to the extent
that it differs, is no democracy.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
As JFK once said: "I am a chocolate covered doughnut."
%%
As Jupiter
On Juno smiles, when he impregns the clouds
That shed May flowers.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 499
%%
Ask a fish head anything you want to.  It won't answer you; they can't talk.
%%
Ask a lot, but take what is offered.
 -- Russian Proverb
%%
Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you.
Ask him, however, why, and vagueness is all.
 -- Bernard Levin, in "Daily Mail", 1964
%%
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and
it shall be opened unto you.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew vii, 7
%%
Ask and you shall receive.
%%
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.
%%
Ask a toad what is beauty?...a female with two great round eyes coming out
of her little head, a large flat mouth, a yellow belly and a brown back.
 -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
Ask a wizard for help.
%%
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
 -- David Letterman
%%
Asked from what country he came, he replied, "I am a citizen of the world."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, vi
%%
Asked in rec.sport.volleyball
Subject: FAQ
Ok, I've seen this a bunch of times. What the heck is an FAQ???
%%
Asked what he gained from philosophy, he answered, "To do without
being commanded what others do from fear of the laws."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xi
%%
A skeleton, probably the remains of a luckless adventurer, lies here.
%%
A skeleton walked into a bar and said, Hi, can I have a beer and a mop?
%%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
 one went to Harvard).
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
 -- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855) when informed that his wife was dying
%%
Askin', askin', askin'. Always multitaskin'.
%%
Asking about monsters may be very useful.
%%
Asking a group of scientists to revise their theory is like
asking a group of cops to revise the law.
 -- Barr's Inertial Principle
%%
Asking a Republican Senate and Democratic House to make a law is like
trying to fry a single egg in two pans.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
As King Arthur said: "Some days it all seems so feudal."
%%
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking
a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
 -- Christopher Hampton
%%
"Asking a writer 'where do you get your ideas' is like asking a butcher
'exactly what DO you put in this sausage'? "
 -- Roy Blount, Jr.
%%
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
 -- Launegmyer's Rule
%%
Asking me, asking me: do you know what love is?
Sure, I know. A boy loves his dog.
%%
Asking PAC BELL for advice is like asking IRS tax advice.
%%
Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic,
but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off.
%%
Asking when [Saddam Hussein] will be overthrown is like asking when
the economy's coming back.
 -- An aide to President Bush
%%
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
%%
As Kirk was hoisting the Cup, Mark & Jennifer said "GO HABS GO!"
%%
Ask me about my extra chromosome
%%
Ask me about my lobotomy.
%%
Ask me about my vow of silence!
%%
Ask me about space hamsters.
%%
Ask me--I'm interactive
%%
ASK ME  I'm shy
%%
Ask no questions and hear no lies.
%%
Ask not for whom the belle trolls...
%%
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls,
and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.
 -- Howard Kandel
%%
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.
%%
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. The answer can be deadly.
%%
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
%%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
 it tolls for thee.
%%
Ask not for whom the tell bowls...
%%
Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.   But ask what can
 All Employees do for A Group of Employees.
 -- Mike Dennison, in response to an inspirational memo at Ferranti Controls
%%
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
 -- J. J. Gibson
%%
Ask not what you can do for your country,
but what your country's been doing to you.
 -- Avengers
%%
Ask not what your country can do for you. If you do, taxes will go up.
%%
Ask not what your government can do for you, ask what it is doing to
you.
 -- Jerome Kingsbury
%%
Ask not what your residence hall can do for you, because it's broke.
 -- the Stilt Man
%%
As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.
%%
Ask of friends only what is honorable.
 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Ask others for help and be in debt forever!
%%
Ask parents if they want their sons to be more disposable than daughters
%%
Ask the experienced rather than the learned.
 -- Arabic proverb
%%
Ask the expert!
%%
Ask them to list all 54 flavours, then order vanilla.
%%
Ask them who they'd prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flasheart
  or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and
  they'll go for Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop every time...
 -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Ask Troi, and do the opposite of what she says.
 -- Jeff R. Lamb, University of Illinois at Urbana
%%
A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on
 being "frank."
%%
A skunk sat on a stump.  The skunk thunk the stump stunk but
the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
%%
A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust.  They
tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up
a tree.  My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks.
 -- Steve Connelly
%%
Ask where 's the North? At York 't is on the Tweed;
In Scotland at the Orcades; and there,
At Greenland, Zembla, or the Lord knows where.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 222
%%
A Skydiver is taken by the gravity of his situation.
%%
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an
answer.
%%
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
Ask your cosmetics company if they have any make-up that is waterproof
and not tested on laboratory fish.
 -- More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so
 -- J.S. Mill
%%
Ask yourself why the New York subway system, alone among the mass transit
 systems of the world, has maps inside rather than outside the trains. It's
 to force you to get on the wrong train in order to find out where you're
 going ... You decipher the map to discover that the first step in reaching
 your destination is to get off the wrong train at the next stop.
 -- Calvin Trillin
%%
Ask your sysop for cat on crossnet!
%%
As lacking in privacy as a goldfish.
%%
A slap vs a slog is like a ribbon vs an obi.
%%
A slave has but one master; the ambitious man has as many masters as
there are persons whose aide may contribute to the advancement of his
fortune.
 -- Jean de La Bruyere
%%
`As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal
to you.  You should hold parties for them regularly
and have lots of whiskey (free) for them.  That way, they
get drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they
all are in reality.'
 -- Cerebus "On Governing"
%%
Asleep at the switch again?
%%
A sleeping fox counts hens in his dreams.
%%
Asleep in lap of legends old.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- The Eve of St. Agnes, Stanza 15
%%
Asleep, my love? What, dead, my dove?
 -- Shakespeare
%%
A sleeve/button short of a shirt.
%%
A sleveless errand.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. vii
%%
ASL has 15 signs for stupidity; 3 for smart.
%%
A slick talking pirate named Bruce
To steal code, had a plan to seduce
       An Apple II+.
 Now Bruce wears a truss
And was jailed for computer abuse.
%%
As life is action and passion,
it is required of man that he should share
the passion and action of his time,
at peril of being judged not to have lived.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%%
A slight touch of friendly malice and amusement towards those we love
keeps our affections for them from turning flat.
 -- Logan P. Smith
%%
A slip NEVER heard aboard the Enterprise: Welcome a Borg.
%%
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit.
 -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
 -- the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
%%
As long as art is the beauty parlor of civilization, neither art nor
civilization is secure.
 -- John Dewey (1859-1953)
%%
As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free
speech and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to
myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a
real American talk like that.
 -- Mayor Frank Hague (1896-1956)
%%
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
%%
As long as I don't write about the government, religion, politics, and
other institutions, I am free to print anything.
 -- Beaumarchais
%%
As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need
-- tremendous self control.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
As long as I live, I shall be, myself, no other, just me.
%%
As long as I'm in charge here, there will be no leaders.
%%
As long as its not a  _glass_  eye...
%%
As long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause
on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military
glory will ever be the vice of the most exalted characters.
 -- Edward Gibbon
%%
As long as men are free to ask what they must, free to say what they think,
free to think what they will, freedom can never be lost and science
can never regress.
 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
%%
As long as people will accept crap,
it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
 -- Dick Cavett, in "Playboy", 1971
%%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%%
As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into
 Manchester United's hands.
%%
As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart.
%%
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
%%
Aslong as there are readers,there willbe stories
%%
As long as there have been humans we have searched for our place in the
cosmos. Where are we?  Who are we? We find that we live on an
insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in
some forgotten corner of a universe.  We make our world significant by
the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers.
 -- Carl Sagan
%%
...as long as there is a Legion of super-Heroes, all else can surely
be made right.
 -- Sensor Girl
%%
As long as there's sex and drugs,
I can do without the rock and roll.
 -- Mick Shrimpton
%%
As long as the United States Government exists, there is no real
 accomplishment being a humorist.
%%
As long as the world is turning and spinning we're gonna be dizzy and we're
 gonna make mistakes.
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
As long as they spell the name right.
 -- Curley's Law
%%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
 When
it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
As long as we have some definite idea about or some hope in the
future, we cannot really be serious with the moment that exists right
now.
 -- Suzuki Roshi
%%
As long as we're going insane, we might as well go the
whole way. A mere shred of sanity is of no value.
%%
As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try
making it round this time.
 -- Mike Dennison
%%
As long as we remain unsure, we are alive.
%%
As long as you can still be disappointed you are still young.
%%
As long as you've lit one candle, you're allowed to curse the darkness.
%%
A slotted spoon holds little soup, but grabs a potato.
%%
A slower system is better than an incorrect one.
 -- Mark Diekhans ([e-mail])
%%
A slow winter day
 A night like forever
 Sink like a stone
 Float like a feather
%%
As lyke as one pease is to another.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, Page 215
%%
A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral, and inadequate.
%%
[A small difference of opinion on the U.S. Supreme Court in 'Texas v.
 -- Justice William J. Brennan, writing for the majority.
Johnson' 491 U.S. 397 (1989)]
If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment,
it is that the Government may not prohibit the expression of an
idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or
disagreeable.
 -- Chief Justice William Rehnquist, dissenting.
Surely one of the purposes of a democratic society is to legislate
against conduct that is regarded as evil and profoundly offensive
to the majority of people; whether it be murder, embezzlement,
pollution or flag burning.
%%
A small farmer on a kibbutz was talking to a big Texan. The Texan says,
 "How big is your farm?" Well, he says, it's 200 feet by 300 feet. He said
 to the Texan, "How big is your land?" The Texan says, "I could get in my
 car and drive from sunrise to sunset and never reach the end of my land."

 The Israeli said, "I once had a car like that too."
 -- Alan King
%%
A small mind can produce a lot of half vast ideas.
%%
A small mind is a tidy mind.
%%
A small package of value will come to you, shortly.
%%
A small status indicator reads "Transporters have nothing to lock onto."
%%
A small town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't.
 -- Alexander Woollcott
%%
A small velvet pillow lies on the floor.
%%
As Mankind becomes more liberal, they will be more apt to allow that
all those who conduct themselves as worthy members of the community
are equally entitled to the protections of civil government.  I hope
ever to see America among the foremost nations of justice and liberality.
 -- George Washington
%%
As many men, so many minds; every one his own way.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Phormio, Act ii, Sc. 4, 14, (454.)
%%
As Mark Twain said, "I love Wagner--if only they'd cut out all that damned
singing!"
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A smattering of philosophy had liberated his [Nero's] intellect without
maturing his judgement.
 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
%%
"As Mayor of Houston, it gives me great pleasure to
 award you this Texas Freedom Award and a gold
 Neiman Marcus charge card."
 -- Foo-fa-raa in "Badger"
%%
As Meander says, "For our mind is God;" and as Heraclitus, "Man's
genius is a deity."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Platonic Questions, i
%%
As men, we are all equal in the presence of death.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 1
%%
As merry as the day is long.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
A smile appears on the faces of most archaic figures, a happiness of
expression seeming to transcend that of human beings.
 -- Francis Henry Taylor
%%
A smile is the sunshine that is a part of life.
%%
A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section.
 -- Raj K. Dhawan
%%
A smoking hip hop go go rock 'n' roll jam.
%%
A smoky potion surely affects your vision.
%%
ASM programmers drive stick shifts
%%
As much valour is to be found in feasting as in fighting, and some
of our city captains and carpet knights will make this good, and prove
it.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 2, Subsect. 2
%%
As my friends will tell you, I have an very good memory.
It just isn't very long.
 -- Keneth Iverson
%%
As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do
 with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to
 spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it.
 You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be
 hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your
 head.
 -- Art Buchwald
%%
A snail can moter along at about two feet per hour.
%%
A snake lurks in the grass.
 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%%
A SNAP dump is like getting a snapshot of yourself
while hitting a baseball.  You can go back later and look
at what you did wrong so that you can improve.
 -- MVS/ESA: Diagnosis: Tools and Service Aids LY28-1813-03
 -- 5.0 Chapter 5.  SNAP Dumps
%%
A snapper-up of unconsidered trifles.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Winter's Tale
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
As near as I can tell you're not any crazier than the average asshole
on the street
 -- Ken Kesey via R. P. McMurphy "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%%
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppresiion.  It is in such
twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air--however slight-
-lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
 -- W. O. Douglas
%%
As night the life-inclining stars best shows,
So lives obscure the starriest souls disclose.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Epilogue to Translations
%%
A snip and a snap,
a tip and a tap,
we all just sit writing away.
Programing in a tizzy,
till we all are quite dizzy,
and our brains feel ever so fizzy!
So when it comes time,
to put in a dime,
and type out house to use it!
We palm it all off,
with a smile and a scoff,
and say "we didnt mean to LOSE it!"
%%
As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Author's Preface
%%
A soap I could like better than my facial bar? Incredible!
%%
A sobering thought: A century from now what we know as modern music will be
 considered old-fashioned. This thought almost makes one reconciled to the
 possibility that there may not be any twenty-first century.
 -- Frank Sullivan
%%
"A sobering thought, Eileen: What if, right at this
 very moment I *am* living up to my full
 potential?"
 -- Jane Wagner
%%
A social life? What BBS do I download THAT from?
%%
A Social Life???......Where can I FREQ that file from?
%%
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they
know they shall never sit in.
 -- Greek Proverb
%%
"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves."
 -- Bertrand de Jouvenel
%%
A society that lacks the patience to read, and loses the ability
to do so, is rendered defenseless against its most profound
stupidities.  As an example, consider the ease with which Americans
came to regard a president known for his inaccuracy and imprecision
as the great communicator, and by the tendency of American elections
to give victory to the candidate who can afford the greatest number of
30-second TV spots.
 -- Mike Schmoker
%%
A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order
will lose both, and deserve neither.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45
%%
A) Socrates was a man.
B) All men are mortal.
C) All men are Socrates.  That means all men are homosexuals.
 -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death"
%%
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
As of next Thursday, all terminal input will be line-at-a-time.
Please update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, CLU will be flushed in favor of SNOBOL.  Please
update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
Please update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, LISP will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please
update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, MUDDLE will be flushed in favor of LISP.
Please update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, SAIL will be flushed in favor of COBOL.  Please
 update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, TOPS-10 will be flushed in favor of TENEX.  Please
 update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, TOPS-20 will be flushed in favor of ITS.
Please update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, Unix will be flushed in favor of TOPS-20.
Please update your programs.
%%
As of next Thursday, you will be flushed in favor of CONNIVER.
Please go away.
%%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%%
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
 -- Proverbs 15:1
%%
A soft drink turneth away company.
%%
As of yet there have been no deaths attributed to the killer bees in Texas.
 However, two bees were caught this week planning a murder.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
As old Chaucer was wont to say, that broad famous English poet.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- More Dissemblers besides Women, Act i, Sc. 4
%%
A soldier told Pelopidas, "We are fallen among the enemies." Said
he, "How are we fallen among them more than they among us?"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Pelopidas
%%
A solid rainbow spans the falls.
%%
A solipsist is like the man who gave up turning round because whatever
 he saw was always in front of him: Ernst Mach
%%
A solitary shriek, the bubbling cry
Of some strong swimmer in his agony.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto ii, Stanza 53
%%
A solution is just a problem waiting to happen.
%%
A solved problem creates two new problems, and the best prescription for
 happy living is not to solve any more problems than you have to.
 -- Russell Baker
%%
A son asked his father for a hundred dollars.  The father said no.  "Oh,
come on dad, be a good support."
%%
As one gets older, one discovers everything is going to be exactly the same
with different hats on.
 -- Noel Coward
%%
As one who long in populous city pent,
Where houses thick and sewers annoy the air.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 445
%%
A song for our banner! The watchword recall
  Which gave the Republic her station:
"United we stand, divided we fall!"
  It made and preserves us a nation!
The union of lakes, the union of lands,
  The union of States none can sever,
The union of hearts, the union of hands,
  And the flag of our Union forever!
 -- George P. Morris (1802-1864)
 -- The Flag of our Union
%%
A song in time is worth a dime.
%%
A song to the oak, the brave old oak,
  Who hath ruled in the greenwood long!
 -- H. F. Chorley (1831-1872)
 -- The Brave Old Oak
%%
A sonic screwdriver is Vodka and orange juice going Mach 2.
%%
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own
 verbosity, can repetitively reiterate redundant reduplications of
 previously discussed material to the point where it becomes tendiously
 obdurate and almost intolerable.
%%
A soul as white as heaven.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- The Maid's Tragedy, Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
A source is a source, of course of course,
Unless, of course, the source is a curse;
And if, of course, the source is a curse,
Then a termcap entry's required.
%%
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His
          girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
          ``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
%%
A span short of a bridge.
%%
As part of Academic Computing's commitment to its Sun 3 users.....
<pause>...<long pause>...<deep chuckling>
 -- Walter Wong
%%
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a
process that traditionally requires some debugging.
 USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.
%%
A spear might hit a nurse.
%%
A species that enslaves other beings is hardly superior -- mentally
  or otherwise.
 -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
%%
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
 -- One Page Principle
 -- Mark Ardis
%%
A speck of dust is in the eye of the beholder.
%%
ASPERSE, v.t.  Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which
one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Asphalt Armadillo
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Asphalt: rectal trouble
%%
Asphault = Proctologist's malpractice insurance
%%
A spider in the trees busily spins a web that covers the trees to the
north.
%%
A spider to the northeast is quite busy blocking the way there.
%%
A spilled drink flows in the direction of the most expensive object.
 -- "The New Official Rules"
%%
Aspiration sees only one side of every question; possession many.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- New England Two Centuries ago
%%
Aspirin is an OK contraceptive, hold it between the knees
%%
Aspirins give me a headache.
%%
A spirit w/a vision is a dream w/a mission
%%
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!
 -- L. Borgia
%%
A sports writer who is not willing to stand by his honest judgement ought
to chuck his job and try something else.
 -- Bat Masterson
%%
A spotless house is the sign of a misspent life.
%%
As powerful but strange.  Very restrictive.
Requires a different mindset and a lot of formalism.
 -- VMS, and the Romulans
%%
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A spring wells up at the foot of the mountain:
The image of Youth.
Thus the superior man fosters his character
By thoroughness in all that he does.
%%
A sprinkle a day keeps Bob Morgan away.
%%
As promised, she's all yours, sir.  All systems automated and ready. A
  chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.
 -- Scotty, "The Search for Spock,"  stardate 8210.3.
%%
As proper men as ever trod upon neat's leather.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
As pure as Jim Bakker himself.
%%
ASQME - Anti Silly Quoting Macros Environmentalist
%%
A square with only three sides.
%%
As quick as a corpse.
%%
A squirrel is just a rat with good P.R.
%%
A squirt of milk zooms past and immediately soaks into the ground.
%%
As regards computering, Murphy was an optomist.
%%
As riches and favor forsake a man, we discover him to be a fool, but
nobody could find it out in his prosperity.
 -- Jean de La Bruyere
%%
Assassination has never changed the history of the world.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, May, 1865
%%
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Rejected Statement"
%%
Assassinations and Hostage
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 06
%%
Assassins!
 -- Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra
%%
Assassins do it from behind.
%%
Assassins do it with extreme prejudice.
%%
Assassins, Inc.--We aim to please
%%
Assault with Battery: Eva Ready
%%
As scarce as truth is, the supply is always greater than the demand.
 -- Humorist Josh Billings
%%
Assembler
  A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.
%%
Assembler lesson #1: POP AX is *not* an electric guitar
%%
Assembler:
One who drops his card deck.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Assembler programmers do it one-to-one.
%%
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and
understanding of how computers work that it provides
 -- D. Gries
%%
Assembly Language, great stuff!
Just like hitting your head against a brick wall, feels good when you stop.
 -- Colin Herbert, Software Development Lecture
%%
Assembly Language: install, insert, attach, connect
%%
Assembly language:
 Language of choice for Scrabble players. allows the smallest and
 fastest routines to be written in five months instead of one. Extra
 points for variable names rich in Q's and Z's.
%%
Assembly line workers do it over and over.
%%
Assembly programmers do it a byte at a time.
%%
Assembly programmers only get a little bit to play with.
%%
Assembly was the first against the wall when the
revolution came--COBOL's next
%%
(asserting that is isn't drunk)
Lister: I am not pished.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'White Hole'
%%
assertion failed: %s, file: %s, line: %d
%%
Asses are made to bear and so are you!
%%
Asset: A very small donkey.
%%
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
%%
As shameless as a tabby in heat.
%%
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / bowl
%%
As she fled fast through sun and shade
The happy winds upon her play'd,
Blowing the ringlet from the braid.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Sir Launcelot and Queen Guinevere
%%
As she lay, on that day,
In the bay of Biscay, O!
 -- Andrew Cherry (1762-1812)
 -- The Bay of Biscay
%%
... as sight is in the body, so is reason in the soul...
 -- Aristotle
 -- Nicomachean Ethics, Bl. I, Ch. 6, 10966, lines 29-30
%%
Assimilate me...tender...
 -- Elvis of Borg
%%
Assimilate THIS!
%%
Assimilation is futile.  You will be resisted.
%%
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
%%
As smart as bait.
%%
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
%%
ASS, n.  A public singer with a good voice but no ear.  In Virginia
City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,
and everywhere the Donkey.  The animal is widely and variously
celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and
country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this
noble vertebrate.  Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib.
II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a
god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we
may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also.  Of the only two
animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of
men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers
the other.  This is no small distinction.  From what has been written
about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and
magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which
clusters about the Bible.  It may be said, generally, that all
literature is more or less Asinine.

    "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;
    "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
    Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
    God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".
%%
Associate :  Its to caustic for film.
Goldwyn   :  To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
%%
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
and dying broke.
 -- Stanley Walker
%%
As soils are depleted, human health, vitality and intelligence go with
them.
 -- Louis Bromfield
%%
As Solid as...: Rocco Gibraltar
%%
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list...
 -- W. S. Gilbert
%%
As someone once remarked to Schubert, "Take us to your lieder".
%%
As some say, Solon was the author of the apophthegm, "Nothing in excess."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Solon, xvi
%%
As soon as an idea is accepted it is time to reject it
%%
As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
life-or-death situation, the power fails.
 -- Wood's Axiom
%%
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club, I'll be debagged
  and radished for non-payment of debts.
Radished, sir?
Yes, they pull your breeches down and push a large radish right
  up your...
Yes, yes, yes, alright sir. There's no need to hammer it home.
As a matter of fact, they do often have to...
No! No!
 -- George and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise,
human science is at a loss.
 -- Prof. Noam Chomsky
%%
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner
encounters turbulence.
 -- Rogers' Law
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
 -- Davis' Explanation of Rogers' Law
%%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
 wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
 to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
 that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
 finding mistakes in my own programs.
 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
%%
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #56
%%
As soon as you are willing to discard observational data because it conflicts
 with religion, you are giving up any hope of ever really understanding the
 universe.   As soon as you pick religion as the touchstone of reality, then we
 have to start discussing how one can demonstrate the correctness of one
 religion over another when different *religions* disagree.
 --   Wilson Heydt ([e-mail])

The answer is simple: kill the heretics.   History shows us that this is the
 actual solution that competing religions apply -- trial by combat or trial by
 ordeal.  God is the final arbiter.  What a sad waste of human potential it
 has proven to be.
 -- Paul Hager ([e-mail])
%%
As soon as you cannot keep anything from a man, you love him.
%%
As soon as you find that your microcomputer is easy to use
add some peripherals you don't understand how to operate.
%%
As soon as you have chosen a subject for a film, you have already made a
 success or a failure.
 -- Billy Wilder
%%
As soon as you mention something...
    ...if it's good, it will go away,
    ...if it'S bad, it'll happen.
 -- The Unspeakable Law
%%
As soon
Seek roses in December, ice in June;
Hope constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;
Believe a woman or an epitaph,
Or any other thing that 's false, before
You trust in critics.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- English Bards and Scotch Reviewers, Line 75
%%
As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector
of logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube,
the four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. . .
Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves parallel
to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge of the
hyper-cube.
 -- MSCP Basic Disk Functions Manual
 -- UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals, page 4-27.
%%
As Stephen Sly and old John Naps of Greece,
And Peter Turph and Henry Pimpernell,
And twenty more such names and men as these
Which never were, nor no man ever saw.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Taming of the Shrew
 -- Induc. Sc. 2
%%
As still to the star of its worship, though clouded,
  The needle points faithfully o'er the dim sea,
So dark when I roam in this wintry world shrouded,
  The hope of my spirit turns trembling to Thee.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Heart's Prayer
%%
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Assume nothing.
%%
Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
 control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles
 -- Pat Paulsen
%%
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
 -- Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgment
%%
Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
%%
As sunshine broken in the rill,
Though turned astray, is sunshine still.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Fire-Worshippers
%%
As sure as a gun.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Spanish Friar, Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
As surgeons keep their instruments and knives always at hand for cases
requiring immediate treatment, so shouldst thou have thy thoughts
ready to understand things divine and human, remembering in thy every
act, even the smallest, how close is the bond that unites the two.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iii, 13
%%
As sweet and musical
As bright Apollo's lute, strung with his hair;
And when Love speaks, the voice of all the gods
Makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
As sysop, I *CAN* say, "Computer, end program."
%%
A stage? No, this is not a stage.
%%
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
%%
As Tammie glow'red, amazed and curious,
The mirth and fun grew fast and furious.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Tam o' Shanter
%%
a standardized UNIX will be a broken UNIX.
 -- jason downs  [e-mail]
%%
A standard that no one follows is worse than useless; it is a waste of time.
%%
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had
been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.
%%
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life,
  even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
 -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
%%
A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.
%%
A state from which religion is banished can never be well regulated.
 -- Leo XIII (1810-1903)
%%
A state is better governed which has few laws, and those laws strictly
observed.
 -- Descartes
%%
A statement of fact cannot be insolent....
%%
A statesman cannot afford to be a moralist.
 -- Will Durant
%%
A statesman is any politician it's considered safe to name a school after.
 -- Bill Vaughan
%%
A statesman is a politician who places himself at the service of the
nation.  A politician is a statesman who places the nation at his
service.
 -- Georges Pompidou
%%
A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
 -- Harry S. Truman
%%
A statesman is a successful politician who is dead.
 -- Thomas B. Reed (1839-1902)
%%
A statesman is what politicians call themselves.
%%
A State Trooper caught a speeder in Tuochumsiah. However, the State Trooper
 could not spell Tuochumsiah properly, so he had to let the speeder go. He
 followed the man and caught him in Ida!
%%
A State which is incompetent to satisfy different races condemns itself;
a State which does not include them is destitute of the chief basis of
self-government.  The theory of nationality, therefore, is a retrograde
step in history.
 -- Lord Acton (1834-1902)
%%
A static hero is a public liability.  Progress grows out of motion.
 -- Richard Byrd
%%
A statistician is one who collects an immense amount of data, studies it
 with extreme care, discusses it with others who know how to interprete
 these things, and then draws his own confusions.
%%
A STATISTICIAN - One who draws a mathematically precise line from
an unwarranted
      assumption to a foregone conclusion.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability
that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the
probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now
whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
 -- "I Think Therefore I Laugh", by John Allen Paulos
%%
A statue lies hid in a block of marble; and the art of the statuary
only clears away the superfluous matter, and removes the rubbish.
 -- Addison
%%
A stepping-stone can be a stumbling block
if we can't see it until after we have tripped over it.
 -- Cullen Hightower
%%
Astern: Without humor ... e.g., he was astern son-of-a-gun.
%%
As that great captain, Ziska, would have a drum made of his skin when
he was dead, because he thought the very noise of it would put his
enemies to flight.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Democritus to the Reader
%%
As that the walls worn thin, permit the mind
To look out thorough, and his frailty find.
 -- Samuel Daniel (1562-1619)
 -- History of the Civil War, Book iv, Stanza 84
%%
As the axe entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us."
%%
As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless
shall not come.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvi, 2
%%
As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
    I could not bear the loss,
    For with scarlet silk floss
My mama has embroidered their clocks."
 -- Edward Gorey
%%
As the case stands.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Old Law, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
As the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on,
so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys.
 -- William H. Blake (1757-1827)
%%
As the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of a fool.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes vii, 6
%%
As the dimensions of the tree are not always regulated by the size
of the seed, so the consequences of things are not always proportionate
to the apparent magnitude of those events that have produced them.
 -- Colton
%%
 As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
 reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  The
 telephone is next to an answering machine...  You hear a faint
 click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  You hear
 a beep...
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
 -- Art Buchwald
%%
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he
was, and how I named him Flint.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
   As the expected time of birth drew near, the mother-to-be asked her
obstetrician, "Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during my
delivery?"

   "Certainly," the doctor answered. "The father should always be present
at the moment of birth."

   "That wouldn't be a good idea," the woman remarked. "He and my husband
don't get along."
%%
As the expression goes, we spend our youth attaining wealth, and our wealth
 attaining youth.
 -- Douglas Coupland, from _Generation X_ (Tales for an Accelerated Culture)
%%
As the finely honed points of the magnificent bull elk's antlers perforated
his spleen, lungs, and lower colon, Lenny the Grifter wished he had stayed
working the street in Times Square, instead of going up to the Rockies where
this dumb animal had figured out that three-card monte was a con, and gored
him.
 -- Richard Patching, Alberta
%%
As the French say, there are three sexes,--men, women, and clergymen.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 262
%%
As the government of the United States is not in any sense founded
on Christian religion...
 -- Joel Barlow (1754-1812)
 -- Treaty with Tripoli (signed 1797)
%%
As the happiness of the people is the sole end of government, so the
consent of the people is the only foundation of it.
 -- John Adams
%%
As the hart panteth after the water-brooks.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xlii, 1
%%
As the Iron Curtain rusts...
%%
As the Italians say, Good company in a journey makes the way to seem
the shorter.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 1
%%
As the knife approaches its victim, your mind is submerged by an
overmastering will.  Slowly, your hand turns, until the rusty blade
is an inch from your neck.  The knife seems almost to sing as it
savagely cuts your throat.
%%
As the language of the face is universal, so 'tis very comprehensive;
no laconism can reach it: 'tis the short hand of the mind, and crowds
a great deal in a little room.
 -- Jeremy Collier
%%
As the last syllable of your spell fades into silence, darkness
envelops you, and the earth shakes.  Then all is quiet.
%%
As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat
 there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
 yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
As the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
said to a niece of King Gorboduc, That that is, is.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to
figure out how to get the bark on.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
As the purse is emptied, the heart is filled.
 -- Victor Hugo (1802-1885)
%%
As there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be
so cantankerous as to spoil the party by sitting out.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
"As the roadies say before the concert, `Let's carve this turkey.'"
 -- Ian Shoales
%%
As the robot reaches for sphere, an iron cage falls from the
ceiling.  The robot attempts to fend it off but is trapped below it.
Alas, the robot short circuits in his vain attempt to escape and
crushes the sphere beneath him as he falls to the floor.
%%
As the saying is, I have got a wolf by the ears.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Phormio, Act iii, Sc. 2, 21, (506.)
%%
As ... the sovereign has no further need for my services this evening, she
  suggested I might spend some time with you.
What a charming suggestion.
She...appreciates the...affection you show me.
Was I that obvious?
Yes.
Well, I've already dined. Maybe you know a good Acamarian dessert recipe.
Does that not please you? Tell me what you want William, I will do
   anything you wish.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand? Don't you want me to give you pleasure?
Not as a servant. I told you I prefer equals.
Even in the matters of love?
Especially in matters of love.
 -- Yuta and Riker, "The Vengeance Factor", stardate 43421.9
%%
As the Swiss inscription says: Sprechen ist silbern, Schweigen ist
golden,--"Speech is silvern, Silence is golden;" or, as I might rather
express it, Speech is of Time, Silence is of Eternity.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Sartor Resartus, Book iii, Chap. iii
%%
As the sword of the best-tempered metal is the most flexible; so
the truly generous are most pliant and courteous in their behavior
to their inferiors.
 -- Fuller
%%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time
appear, bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller,
more complete, or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working
component by a new version requires the same systematic testing
procedure that adding a new component does, although it should require
less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be
available.
 -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%%
As the ticket inspector on the train approached, Edward Nye
 told his friend, the poet James Whitcomb Riley, to get under
 the seat as he only had one ticket. Riley was reluctant to
 follow his friend's request but eventually did so to avoid
 any trouble. When the inspector reached him, Nye handed
 over both tickets. "Who's the other ticket for?" asked the
 inspector. Nye pointed to Riley, half hidden beneath the seat.
 "It's for my friend. He always travels like that!"
%%
As the timber is fitted to the socket, a white sail abruptly appears on
it.
%%
As the tone echoes through the air, the sorcerer appears in a cloud of
purple smoke.  He says, "Congratulations!  You've obtained a perfect
score!"  He gestures with his hand, and a crowd of cheering munchkins
carry you off to sign autographs.

* * * The end   * * *
%%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that
 there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
As the troll contacts the murky black waters of the river it
is almost immediately destroyed.
%%
As the warp engines are engaged, the entire ship shudders and groans.
The lights dim and flare again suddenly, as the ship re-emerges into
normal space, thousands of light-years away.
%%
As the white panel slides shut, a tiny drawer pops out of the
side of the box. The contents of the drawer fall on the ground,
and the drawer slides shut just as quickly.
%%
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
%%
As they use to say, spick and span new.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. lviii
%%
As thick as two short planks.
%%
As this is not a real signature,
the opinions above may not even be mine.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
As those persons who despair of ever being rich make little account
of small expenses, thinking that little added to a little will never
make any great sum.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Man's Progress in Virtue
%%
As though a rose should shut and be a bud again.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- The Eve of St. Agnes, Stanza 27
%%
As though there were a tie
And obligation to posterity.
We get them, bear them, breed, and nurse:
What has posterity done for us.
That we, lest they their rights should lose,
Should trust our necks to gripe of noose?
 -- John Trumbull (1750-1831)
 -- McFingal, Canto ii, Line 121
%%
As threshing separates the wheat from the chaff, so does affliction
purify virtue.
 -- Richard E. Burton
%%
As thy days, so shall thy strength be.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Deuteronomy xxxiii, 25
%%
A stiff neck usually supports an empty head.
%%
A still, small voice.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Kings xix, 12
%%
A still-soliciting eye, and such a tongue
As I am glad I have not.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A Still Tongue Keeps a Happy Life.
%%
As time passes, the decision which faces most of us is whether to lose
 weight, or gain it so that the wrinkles don't show so much.
%%
A sting, and honey, and a body small.
%%
A stitch in nine saves time.
%%
A stitch in time...keeps the magazine together.
%%
A stitch in time...oops...rats, ripping, ripping, ripping!
%%
A stitch in time saves embarassing exposure...
%%
A stitch in time saves enbarrassment.
%%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%%
A stitch in time saves nine, but a cross-stitch save twelve.
%%
A stitch in time will ruin your clock.
%%
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
%%
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her,
 "What's going on here?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone
 public!"
 -- Henny Youngman
%%
A STOIC brings the baby; a CYNIC is where you wash it.
%%
A stoic of the woods,--a man without a tear.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Gertrude of Wyoming, Part i, Stanza 23
%%
As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
divinity.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:
 "When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here."
%%
A stoppered glass flask with skull-and-crossbones markings is here.
The flask is filled with some clear liquid.
%%
As to the idea that advertising motivates people, remember the Edsel.
 -- Peter Drucker
%%
AST: past tense of the verb, to ask.  "Who ast yew?"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. This is
 usually true, unless of course, you miss your exit.
%%
Astrakhan: The covert art of observing beauty in motion.
%%
A "strange coincidence," to use a phrase
By which such things are settled nowadays.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto vi, Stanza 78
%%
A strange malaise suddenly afflicts you.  You shiver with chill, and
your muscles seem to turn to putty; everything around you becomes grey
and unreal.  The fit quickly passes, and you find that your body has
degenerated back to what it was like before you ate the spinach.
%%
A strange new way to show affection.
%%
A stranger at your gate is grateful for the hospitality of your house.
%%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
 -- O'Henry
%%
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted.  As a matter of fact, the first edition
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled.  We're dealing with
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians.  There's nothing there....
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy.  It's got technical
terms.  It's got jargon.  It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing.  The
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years.  Now that
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case.  They
have not proved their case....It's just simply gibberish.  The fact is, there's
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it.  It's been tested
and tested over the centuries.  Nobody's ever found any validity to it at
all.  It is not even close to a science.  A science has to be repeatable, it
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable --
you test it.  And in that astrology is really quite something else.
 -- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University,
 -- on ABC News "Nightline," May 3, 1988
%%
Astrology is a crock.  Fortune cookies, on the other hand, are usually
right.
%%
Astrology is a disease, not a science.
%%
Astrology is God's science.
%%
Astrology is the sheerest hokum.  This pseudoscience has been around
since the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians.  It is as phony as
numerology, phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves,
and the practice of divination by the entrails of a goat.  No serious
person will buy the notion that our lives are influenced individually by
the movement of distant planets.  This is the sawdust blarney of the
carnival midway.
 -- James J. Kilpatrick, Universal Press Syndicate
%%
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
%%
Astrology? We Aries don't believe in that crap.
%%
Astronauts are out to launch.
%%
Astronauts do it in orbit.
%%
Astronauts do it on re-entry.
%%
Astronauts do it on the moon.
%%
Astronaut:  Whirled traveler...
%%
A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercises, I
advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives
boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind. Games played with the
ball and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no
character on the mind. Let your gun, therefore, be the constant companion
of your walks.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
 -- Encyclopedia of Thomas Jefferson, 318 (Foley, Ed. reissued 1967)
%%
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
 -- Daniel Webster
%%
A strong memory is generally coupled with infirm judgment.
 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592)
%%
A strong nor'-wester 's blowing, Bill!
  Hark! don't ye hear it roar now?
Lord help 'em, how I pities them
  Unhappy folks on shore now!
 -- William Pitt (-1840)
 -- The Sailor's Consolation
%%
ASTRONOMERS can't do it with the lights on
%%
Astronomers do it all night long.
%%
ASTRONOMERS do it from light-years away
%%
Astronomers do it in the dark.
%%
Astronomers do it under the stars.
%%
ASTRONOMERS do it whenever they can find a hole in the clouds
%%
Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.
%%
ASTRONOMERS do it with big bang
%%
ASTRONOMERS do it with heavenly bodies
%%
Astronomers do it with long tubes.
%%
Astronomers do it with stars.
%%
ASTRONOMERS do it with their telescopes
%%
Astronomers See Death Star Thirty Eight Light-Years Away,
And Coming Our Way.
%%
Astronomy compels the soul to look upwards and leads us from this world to
another.
 -- Plato, The Republic. Book VII. 529
%%
Astronomy: The anatomy and physiology of our universe.
%%
Astrophysicans try to cure sick stars.
%%
ASTROPHYSICISTS do it with a Big Bang
%%
Astrophysics:  The study of George Jetson's dog in motion on a treadmill.
%%
As true as I live.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Family of Love, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is
this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master pressed
control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel
Manual.
 -- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva
%%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
Greenblatt.  As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it
true", asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
Lisp".  Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
 -- AI koan
%%
A student said to the chief monk, "Help me to
 pacify my mind!"

 The chief monk said, "Bring your mind over here and
 I will pacify it."

 The student said, "But I don't know where my mind is!"
 The monk replied, "Then I have already pacified it."
%%
A student who changes the course of history is probably just taking an exam.
%%
A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
  But she drained out his balls
 And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
%%
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is
 last year.
 -- Marty Allen
%%
A study of the science of technology defines what is possible; a
study of the economics of technology establishes which of the
possibilities is practical and useful.
 -- Montgomery Phister
%%
A stumble may prevent a fall.
%%
A submarine will move through the water most efficiently if it
is 10 to 13 times as long as it is wide.
 -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.
%%
A successful executive is one who can delegate all the
responsibility, shift all the blame, and appropriate all
the credit.
%%
A successful man is one who can make enough money so that his wife can
 spend all she wants. A successful women is a woman who can find such a man.
%%
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with
the same person.
 -- Mignon McLaughlin
%%
A successful person is one who went ahead and did the thing the rest
of us never quite got around to.
%%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
 -- S. C. Johnson
%%
A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.
%%
A successful work of art is not one which resolves contradictions in a
spurious harmony, but one which expresses the idea of harmony negatively by
embodying the contradictions, pure and uncompromised, in its innermost
structure.
 -- Theodore Adorno
%%
As U C, I have a fetish for abbr.'s!
%%
A sucker's groan is music to a gambler's ear.
 -- Sgt.Bilko
%%
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #12
%%
A sudden thought strikes me,--let us swear an eternal friendship.
 -- J. Hookham Frere (1769-1846)
 -- The Rovers, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A suicidal blonde is one who dyed by her own hand.
%%
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil
conscience of their parents.
 -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
"As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why
would you bother?"
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
A sunny temper gilds the edges of life's blackest cloud.
 -- Guthrie
%%
A supercomputer is a computer one order of magnitude less powerful
than is needed to solve the problems we have right now.
%%
A superior man modest about his modesty
May cross the great water.
Good fortune.
%%
A superior man of modesty and merit
Carries things to conclusion.
Good fortune.
%%
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
%%
A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time.
 -- George Iles
%%
A surefire way to get unwanted guests to leave is the threat of showing
 family pictures taken by an 8 mm camera by someone who never handled the
 thing before.
%%
A surprised Data is propositioned by the E's Computer.
%%
A surprise drug test will really piss you off.
%%
A survey has shown that the most popular form of holiday is a three
 year arts degree.
%%
"A survey is being made of this":  We need more time to think of an answer.
 -- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
A suspicious parent makes an artful child.
 -- Haliburton
%%
As usual, should you or any of your associates be apprehended, the secretary
will disavow any knowlege of your activities.
This recording will self-destruct in five seconds.
%%
As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot.
%%
As war and government prove, insanity is the most contagious of diseases.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
As water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 2 Samuel xiv, 14
%%
As we all know, a high school drop-out has very poor job prospects.
The best he can hope for is to become Prime Minister of the United
Kingdom.
 -- Jim Tubman
%%
As we anarchists say: "There's no government like no government."
 -- D'Arcy J. M. Cain (darcy@druid)
%%
As we ascend the social ladder, viciousness wears a thicker mask.
 -- Erich Fromm
%%
As we enter the New Year, newspapers across the country are running
lists of what is in and what is out for 1992.

In my local paper, the "in" column included Pee Wee Herman.

It is amazing what a little exposure wil do for some peoples career.
%%
A sweet attractive kinde of grace,
A full assurance given by lookes,
Continuall comfort in a face
The lineaments of Gospell bookes.
 -- Mathew Roydon (c. 1586)
 -- An Elegie; or Friend's Passion for his Astrophill
%%
A sweet disorder in the dress
Kindles in clothes a wantonness.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- Delight in Disorder
%%
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
 -- Robert Quillen
%%
As we know, the value of pi is a transcendental figure without
  resolution.
 -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
%%
As well expect Nature to answer to your human values as to come into your
house and sit in a chair.
 -- Henry Beston, The Outermost House
%%
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
"As we walked deeper and deeper into that musty old house, I kept asking
 myself - Marshall, why are you such a bone head."
 -- Marshall, "The Dead Letter", Eerie Indiana
%%
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks."  Marta said it
 should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks."  I told her she should write in her
 suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
 joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
As when in Cymbrian plaine
An heard of bulles, whom kindly rage doth sting,
Doe for the milky mothers want complaine,
And fill the fieldes with troublous bellowing.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book i, Canto viii, St. 11
%%
As when, O lady mine!
With chiselled touch
The stone unhewn and cold
Becomes a living mould.
The more the marble wastes,
The more the statue grows.
 -- Michelangelo (1474-1564)
 -- Sonnet
%%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
 variable."
%%
As with liberty, the price of leanness is eternal vigilance.
 -- Gene Brown
%%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%%
As yet a child, nor yet a fool to fame,
I lisp'd in numbers, for the numbers came.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 127
%%
A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the
remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience
once, excepting incest and folk dancing."
 -- Sir Arnold Bax
%%
A symphony must be like the world. It must contain everything.
 -- Gustav Mahler
%%
Async Data Registers 0x%x 0x%x
%%
Async Error Register %b size = %d
%%
Asynch:   A place to wash dishes.
Bisynch:  Farewell to the dish washing place.
 -- Data communications glossary
%%
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
%%
Asynchronous memory error, ctx = 0x%x, virt addr = 0x%x
%%
async memory error
%%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you
first thought of.
 -- Burt Bacharach
%%
As you already know, many people find it condescending to be
informed that they already know something.
%%
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
As you are old and reverend, you should be wise.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
As you are, so shall you wish. As you wish, so shall it be.
%%
As you attempt to move, the light becomes so bright that you are
blinded momentarily and can't go on.
%%
As you believe, so it is for you.
 -- Richard Bach
%%
As you enter the mine a rather burly man approaches you
and exclaims, "Great to see someone else stumble into
this God (sic) forsaken hole. I came here 12 years ago
and lost my boat. This mine has the greatest gem hordes
ever encountered. There will easily be enough for both of
us but first I have 12 years of exploring to show you.
I am not quite as eccentric as I seem but its been so
long since I have had anyone to talk to. Come on and I
will show you what there is to see here". He leaves by
a door to the southeast. There is another door to the
northeast and the entrance behind you to the west.
%%
As you enter, your compass starts spinning wildly.
%%
As you face the side opposite the entrance, two short sides of
carved and polished wood are to your left and right.  The left panel
is mahogany, the right pine.  The wall you face is red on its left
half and black on its right.  On the entrance side, the wall is white
opposite the red part of the wall it faces, and yellow opposite the
black section.    The painted walls are at least twice the length of
the unpainted ones.  The ceiling is painted blue.
%%
As you fall you see before you what seems like
an infinite congerie of iridescent bubbles.
You have met Yog Sothoth!!!
%%
As you finish this maneuver the scene in front of you
appears to waver slightly.
%%
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
 -- Carrie Fisher
%%
As you go the way of life you will see a great chasm.
 Jump.
 It is not as wide as you think.
 -- Native American advice
%%
As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the
things you didn't do.
 -- Zachary Scott
%%
As you hit the water you slowly realize that you are undergoing
a most drastic change. It appears that the water was perhaps a
bit more caustic than you initially anticipated. You watch in
agony as the flesh is stripped from your bones.
%%
As you humans say, I'm all ears!
 -- Ferengi, "The Battle", stardate 41723.9
%%
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
interfere with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
Wright Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
Wilbur.  "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
organs!"  You should have seen their original design.]  As a result,
birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually.  You almost never
see an aroused bird.  So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
with their feet.  When they find a conversation in which people are
talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
%%
As you know, death is my bread and danger my butter.  No, danger is my
bread and death is my butter.  No, danger is my, death is, no, no wait,
sorry, death and danger are my various breads and various butters.
 -- Woody Allen, "What's Up, Tiger Lily?"
%%
As you know, I planned a trip out there for some time, so it fits in
very nicely.
 -- President George Bush, on his trip to LA after the riots
%%
As you leave, the door swings shut.
%%
As you look on, the troll manages to munge himself with an
astounding display of ineptitude.
%%
As you move, the light about you changes color abruptly.
%%
As you pick up the rusty knife, your sword gives a single pulse
of blinding blue light.
%%
As you plummet towards the rocky ground below, the Necromancer's
horrid laughter is heard echoing off the prison walls, and you find
yourself yourself . . . .
%%
As you pronounce the formula on it, the scroll disappears.
%%
As you pull the lever, your view of the surroundings quickly
disintegrates.    when your vision returns, you find that you're no longer
where you used to be.
%%
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much
money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson (b. 1939), journalist
 -- Quoting his Samoan Attorney
%%
As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily.
%%
As you reach for the sphere, an iron cage falls from the ceiling
to entrap you.        To make matters worse, poisonous gas starts coming
into the room.
%%
As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
spider is suing you for damages.
%%
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
%%
As you step gingerly onto the bridge, it creaks and sways dangerously.
very slowly, you make it across.
%%
As you stroll through life always remember: HELL SUCKS!
%%
As you think, so will you be.
%%
As you try, your hand seems to go through it.
%%
As you walk around the floor sounds hollow.
%%
As you wish, so be it.
%%
A Sysop on RIME tells me to page him anytime! ... Loves it
%%
A sysop's husband is a lonely one ...
%%
A SysOp's Mind is a terrible thing to waste.
%%
A Sysop's telephone bill knows no bounds.
%%
A sysop's wife is a lonely one ...
%%
"A system admin's life is a sorry one.  The only advantage he has over
Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare.  On the other
hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions
of their own innards!"
 -- Michael O'Brien
%%
A system meant for common use should rarely need uncommon knowledge.
 -- Redford
%%
A system of economy is good when ... the farmer, the manufacturer, and the
 trader enjoy the full liberty of their property, their production, and their
 industry.
 -- Eschasseriaux
%%
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification,
until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
 -- Tom Gibb
%%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%%
"At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and
oxygen."
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
At 15 sex isn't what it will be.
%%
At 19, everything is possible; tomorrow looks friendly.
%%
At 2400 baud, no one can hear you scream.
%%
At 34 nobody will feel the heat more than him.
%%
At 49, Layton Kor is a phenomenon. Strong as an ox, quick on the trail,
and fast on rock, Kor stills bursts with an impatient restlessness. With little
difficulty I can picture him 20 years ago--truly he must have been an
unstoppable force. Backing off a climb just wasn't an option; human failure
(never his own) or failure because of the weather, those terms of defeat he
could occasionally accept.
 -- "The book of KOR", by Ed Webster, 20th Anniversary issue of Climbing
%%
At 50 everyone has the face he deserves.
 -- George Orwell (1903-1950), "Journals", 1949
%%
At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and
that fits is the one not on sale.
%%
A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does
a man need to be happy?
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
A table of contents has no drawers.
%%
At a blood bank: "Donate now! Don't let us be caught with our pints down!".
%%
A taboo is someone else's rule about what you may or may not do with your own
body.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable
 food, give it to the guard on duty.
%%
 At a car wash -  "_OUCHLESS CAR WASH SYSTEM"
 At a Wendy's -  "NOW HIRING FULL TIME _LOSERS"
 -- Signs with one letter missing
%%
AT: Accumulate Trivia
%%
At a cocktail party the other night I looked across a crowded room and
was half taken by a stranger, in half profile, a handsome, terribly
young-looking man with a halo of backlighted curls.  And then he turned
and I realized that it was the stranger I am married to, the
beneficiary on my insurance policy, the sport jacket, the love of my
life.
 -- Ann Quindlen
%%
     At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
     "Really?"    the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
     "Well, for two reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them."
%%
At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but
 not too wisely.
 -- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
At a gas station, ASK ATTENDANT FOR HOSE.
%%
A Tagline a day keeps viruses away!
%%
A tagline goes where?
%%
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotions.
%%
A tailor tucks up frills. Dr. Bashir...
%%
A talent is formed in stillness, a character in the world's torrent.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
A talent which does not daily increase,daily diminishes
%%
A Tale of Two Zities
 -- Dickens's cookbook
%%
At all ages you are certain you still have another year.
%%
At all banquets and public functions involving food and talk, an expert is
 employed to place the microphone too low for tall people, too high for
 short people and just enough distance from where the speaker will be so
 that a good solid hum will occur. A real expert can increase this hum just
 as the main speaker begins his or her address. Immediate adjustments will
 be made and the speaker will be unable to be heard and everyone will go
 home unhappy, but not nearly as unhappy as they would be if they had heard
 what the main speaker really had to say!
%%
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
%%
At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
 -- Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity
%%
At all times there must be at least 12 men named Johnson in the NBA.
%%
A tall, warm one for the Sysop, Tarbender.
%%
At a nude wedding, everyone can see who the best man is.
%%
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.
 -- Breda's Rule
%%
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%%
At any given moment, a society contains a certain amount of accumulated
and accruing aggressiveness. If more than twenty-one years elapse
without this aggressiveness being directed outward, in a popular
war against other countries, it turns inward, in social unrest, civil
disturbances, and political disruption.
 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
 -- Barry Bruce-Briggs
%%
At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members,
attorneys, and businessmen, as well as congressmen, senators, and governors,
are all dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
 -- Mark B. Cohen
%%
At any public relations luncheon, the quality of the food is inversely
related to the quality of the information.
 -- Earl Ubell
%%
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you.
Have a nice day.
%%
At a party, a snobbish gentleman is trying to impress her. "I just can't
bear fools" he says. To this comes an instant reply "obviously your
mother did".
%%
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles
fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of
a bus until he revived.
%%
At a seance, he who levitates is host.
%%
A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense
of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
 -- Jessamyn West
(Irony is when you buy a suit with two pair of pants, and then burn a hole
in the coat.)
%%
A taste to remember me by...
 -- Wesley to Salia, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
A tautologically redundant plethora of surplusage.
%%
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
%%
A tax loophole is a form of tax reform that did not benefit you. Had you
 benefitted from it, it would have been a model piece of tax reform
 legislation.
%%
A taxpayer is someone who doesn't have to take a civil service
examination to work for the government.
 -- Krueger's law.
%%
At Christmas I no more desire a rose
Than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth;
But like of each thing that in season grows.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
At Christmas play and make good cheer,
For Christmas comes but once a year.
 -- Thomas Tusser (c. 1515-1580)
 -- The Farmer's Daily Diet
%%
At Christmastime, even Santa Claus wouldn't give you love or hope unless
 you met his impossible conditions: "Have you been a good boy all year?"
 Damn him! Damn Santa Claus--has anybody ever been a good boy all year? ...
 "He's making a list, and checking it twice, He's gonna find out who's
 naughty or nice." Who the hell did he think he was? J. Edgar Hoover?
 -- Allan Sherman
%%
AT CHRYSLER: You lead, follow or send the work to Canada.
%%
At Crystal Palace this evening, Neville Stitch broke his own world record
 in the eight hundred meters. He was so pleased he went on to try the high
 hurdles, but, thinking they were the low hurdles, he shattered his personal
 best.
 -- Ronnie Corbett
%%
A teabag short of a pot.
%%
A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.
 -- Henry Adams, The Education of Henry Adams
%%
A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary.
 -- Thomas Carruthers
%%
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
 -- Michael Winner, British film director
%%
A teapot with a cracked lid.
%%
AT EASE, Lieutenant!
 -- Riker to Worf, "Where Silence Has Lease", stardate 42193.6
%%
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
ignorance upon the shore.
 -- Kahlil Gibran
%%
A technique is a trick that works.
 -- Gian-Carlo Rota
%%
A technique succeeds in mathematical physics, not by a
clever trick, or a happy accident, but because it expresses
some aspect of a physical truth.
 -- O.G. Sutton
%%
A Teenager is someone who gets excited when they discover that the phone
 call was for them, but this stage of life doesn't last very long.
%%
A teenager is someone with the boldness, audacity and effrontery to think
 that he can do the same things you did at his age, and get away with it!
%%
A teetotaller makes the worst drunkard.
%%
A terminal with red-shift capability requires an extremely fast modem.
%%
A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bartender here?"
%%
At every trifle scorn to take offense,
That always shows great pride or little sense.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
At every word a reputation dies.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto iii, Line 16
%%
Ate yerz ago i cudent evin spel injunear, now i are one!
%%
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
 "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.  But then
 I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
 with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
 probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw,
 get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
At first I was uncertain, but now I'm not so sure.
 -- Heisenberg
%%
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed
on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help,
but this is quite untrue in practice.
disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it.
 -- G. L. Glegg, The Design of Design
%%
At five minutes before the hour, a student will ask a question requiring
a ten minute answer.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge
roughly comparable to herding cats.
 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%%
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon
or three normal sized billiard balls.
 -- (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)
%%
Atheism doesn't have a prayer.
%%
Atheism is rather in the life than in the heart of man.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Atheism is the result of ignorance and pride; of strong sense and
feeble reasons; of good eating and ill-living. It is the plague of
society, the corrupter of manners, and the underminer of property.
 -- Jeremy Collier
%%
Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random!  Oh, Chance!"
%%
Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.
%%
Atheistic dyslexics don't believe in dog.
%%
Athenodorus says hydrophobia, or water-dread, was first discovered
in the time of Asclepiades.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Symposiacs, Book viii, Question ix
%%
Athens built the Acropolis.   Corinth was a commercial city, interested in
 purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the
 old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth.
 -- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%%
Athens, the eye of Greece, mother of arts
And eloquence.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Regained, Book iv, Line 240
%%
A theory is a cluster of conclusions in search of a premise.
 -- N.R. Hanson
%%
A theory is better than its explanation.
 -- H. P. Woodward
%%
At her feet he bowed, he fell, he lay down: at her feet he bowed,
he fell: where he bowed, there he fell down dead.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Judges v, 27
%%
A Thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How do it know?
 -- Bruce Willis
%%
A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.
%%
A thief believes that everybody steals.
%%
A thin book: Memoirs of an Amnesic
 -- Eric Satie
%%
A thing can be true and still be desperate folly.
 -- Richard Adams, _Watership Down_
%%
A thing derided is a thing dead; a laughing man is stronger than a
suffering man.
 -- Gustave Flaubert
%%
A thing devised by the enemy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
A thing is far more likely to be like it is now than it was before or will
 be in the future, although this is less likely to be true, if said of the
 same thing sometime later.
%%
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered, nor false because
spoken magnificently.
 -- St. Augustine
%%
A thing is not proved because no one has ever questioned it...Skepticism is the
first step towards truth.
%%
A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Endymion, Book i
%%
A thing of custom,--'t is no other;
Only it spoils the pleasure of the time.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
A thing of shreds and zatches.
%%
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
 -- W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
%%
Athletic fields and golf courses excepted, the out-of-doors wears
an evil aspect, dominated as it is by insects and the brainless
proliferation of vegetable forms.
 -- John Updike (from "A month of Sundays")
%%
Athletic Scholarship.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Athletic Supporter: Jacques Strap
%%
Athletic young 486 seeks hot Pentium that likes 8" floppies.
%%
A thorn defends the rose, harming only those who would steal the blossom.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
A thorn in the flesh.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Corinthians xii, 7
%%
A thorough knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
A thought for the day: In ``A Clarification of Questions,'' Iran's Ayatollah
 Ruhollah Khomeini wrote that ``if a fly gets into the throat of one who is
 fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out.''
%%
A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, i
%%
A Thousand and One Things You Can Do With Lego Building Blocks
 -- A serious review of the work of the Vice President, inspired by Dan Quayle.
%%
A thousand cups of wine do not suffice when true friends meet, but
half a sentence is too much when there is no meeting of minds.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
A thousand fantasies
Begin to throng into my memory,
Of calling shapes, and beck'ning shadows dire,
And airy tongues that syllable men's names
On sands and shores and desert wildernesses.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 205
%%
A thousand lips, a thousand tongues, a thousand throats, a thousand lungs...
a thousand ways to make it true, I want to do terrible things to you...
%%
A thousand pardons...
%%
A thousand shirtless drunk guys in rainbow wigs.
%%
A thousand things advance; nine hundred and ninety-nine retreat:
that is progress.
 -- Henry Frederic Amiel, Swiss philosopher
%%
A thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past,
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xc, 4
%%
"A thousand years passed since
 Agamemnon said, `Don't open
 The gates, who the hell needs
 A wooden horse that size?'
 -- Woody Allen
%%
A thousand years scarce serve to form a state:
An hour may lay it in the dust.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 84
%%
A threefold cord is not quickly broken.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes iv, 12
%%
A three foot black rod with a rusty star on an end lies nearby.
%%
A three-tailed race.
 -- Cliches for merfolk
%%
A thrifty housewife always peels potatoes twice.
%%
A thrill a day keeps the chills away.
%%
A tidal wave of avalanche proportions.
%%
A tied-up sack. No blame, no praise.
%%
A time would come when Men should be able to stretch out their Eyes ...
they should see the Planets like our Earth.
 -- Christopher Wren
%%
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and
a courageous person afterward.
 -- Jean Paul Richter
%%
A tin of smoked eel is a wonderful find.
%%
A tisket, a tasket, a condom or a casket
%%
A titanic intellect...  In a world full of icebergs.
%%
At Jurassic Park they have teeth.  At Barney & Friends they have music.
%%
ATLANTA:
      An entire city surrounded by an airport.
%%
Atlanta had a couple inches of snow on the ground for the federal holiday on
January 20. Now, snow is a wonderful thing for holidays like Christmas, but
there's just something not right about a white MLK's Birthday.
%%
Atlanta law forbids diaper service trucks from having
horns that play "Rock-A-Bye-Baby."
%%
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
%%
ATLAS
  A really big dude who used to carry the world upon his shoulders
  (or something like that). Today's modern Prime Ministers and
  Presidents may think that they carry the world upon *their*
  shoulders, but if that were true then they'd be crushed into tiny
  specks just by the sheer weight of the damn thing. Actually the
  above definition is only mythical. Atlas was actually the bloke in
  the library in ancient Athens who knew where all the street
  directories were kept. [See also: Metaphorical]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
 /\      /\   At last! a
//\\ .. //\\  spider that
//\((  ))/\\  looks like
/  < `' >  \  a spider!
%%
At last we meet; for the first time, for the last time!  Yeah.
%%
At least 75 times in your life, someone will tell you that something
is "for your own good."  It will never be for your own good.
%%
At least a toad can eat what bugs him.
%%
At least Bill Clinton knows what George Washington looked like.
%%
At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.
%%
At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before yours arrives.
%%
At least in prison you look forward to getting out.
 -- Lister
%%
At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
 -- J. B. White
%%
At least Jimmy Carter once had a real job!
%%
At least once in your life, you'll miss a belt loop at the back, and
no one will tell you about it.
%%
At least once in your life, you will step in a substance so hideous
that you will have to throw out your shoes.
%%
At least the moderator replies to my messages.
%%
At least this isn't a bloody French tagline..
%%
At least we'll be away from all this openness.  No, this is too strange
  for us.  We are creatures of outer space.  Soon, we will be safe in
  the comforting closeness of walls.
 -- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
%%
At least you can always use my code as a bad example.
%%
At least you're an EXPERIENCED incompetent.
%%
At leaving even the most unpleasant people
And places, one keeps looking at the steeple.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto ii, Stanza 14
%%
At length the morn and cold indifference came.
 -- Nicholas Rowe (1673-1718)
 -- The Fair Penitent, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
At lovers' perjuries,
They say, Jove laughs.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were
fired.
%%
"At Microsoft, it doesn't matter which file you're
 compiling, only which flags you #define."
 -- Colin Plumb
%%
ATM Teller Machine? Oxymoron!
%%
At my fingers' ends.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five
 dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote.
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
At night we go down to the river and into the river we dive.
%%
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines.
%%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than
 when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
 -- Marshall Lumsden
%%
A toad-eater's an imp I don't admire.
 -- Dr. Woolcott
%%
A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
%%
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
%%
Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed.
 -- Robin, The Boy Wonder
%%
:atomic: [from Gk. `atomos', indivisible] adj. 1. Indivisible;
   cannot be split up.  For example, an instruction may be said to do
   several things `atomically', i.e., all the things are done
   immediately, and there is no chance of the instruction being
   half-completed or of another being interspersed.  Used esp. to
   convey that an operation cannot be screwed up by interrupts.
   "This routine locks the file and increments the file's semaphore
   atomically."  2. [primarily techspeak] Guaranteed to complete
   successfully or not at all, usu. refers to database transactions.
   If an error prevents a partially-performed transaction from
   proceeding to completion, it must be "backed out," as the database
   must not be left in an inconsistent state.

   Computer usage, in either of the above senses, has none of the
   connotations that `atomic' has in mainstream English (i.e.  of
   particles of matter, nuclear explosions etc.).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Atomic Theory:  A mythological explanation of the nature of matter,
   first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now
   thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation.
   Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
   simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been
   demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend
   upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally
   upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent
   astrological connection, at last, vindicates the
   alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all
   science.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Atoms are made up of electrons and protons (protons are also nothing).
Fifty billion electrons placed side by side in a straight line would
stretch across the period at the end of this sentence. Protons are
heavier but take up less space. Such an idea is incapable of being
absorbed by the human mind.
 -- John Lardner and Thomas Sugrue
%%
Atoms of the World, UNITE (whoops, too late)
%%
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
%%
"A Toon killed his brother... dropped a piano on his head."
 -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?
%%
A too-short mini skirt leaves a definitive end in view.
%%
A topologist is a person who does not know the difference between a
doughnut and a coffee cup.
 -- John Kelly
%%
A tornado touched down, uprooting a large tree in the front yard and
 demolishing the house across the street. Dad went to the door, opened it,
 surveyed the damage, muttered "Darn kids!" and closed the door.
 -- Tim Conway
%%
Atossa, cursed with every granted prayer,
Childless with all her children, wants an heir;
To heirs unknown descends the unguarded store,
Or wanders heaven-directed to the poor.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle ii, Line 147
%%
A totally inadequate tagline for this situation.
%%
At other places it's called having fun. We call it procrastination.
%%
A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an "intellectual" -- find
out how he feels about astrology.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
A tourist leaves Bogolusa on his way to Opalousa, and is quite confused
 about the names of the various cities through which he passes. Stopping at
 long last for a late lunch, he enters a fast food chain restaurant. After
 he places his order, he says to the clerk "I say, how do you spell the name
 of this place I am in?" Slowly, the clerk behind the counter starts.
 "B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G," comes the response.
%%
A tower short of a castle.
%%
A Toyota backwards is still a Toyota!
%%
At pains to define liberty, that most resolute of indefinables, our minds
fall back on spatial images; on birds, sailboats, and mountains; the
untethered balloon, the blue sky, the nude figure.
 -- Robert Grudin, Time and the Art of Living
%%
At present I would prefer not to be a little bit reasonable.
 -- Bartleby the Scrivener
%%
A train-load of rioting soccer hooligans has crashed. Nine of them are
believed to be hurt. The Home Office is said to be deeply distressed by
the news.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've just been handed an amendment to that announcement:
A train-load of English soccer hooligans has crashed. NONE of them are
believed to be hurt. The Home Office is said to be deeply distressed by
the news.
%%
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.
 -- Frouds Law
%%
A trap door opens up under you!
%%
A traveler must have the back of an ass to bear all,
a tongue like the tail of a dog to flatter all,
the mouth of a hog to eat what is set before him,
the ear of a merchant to hear all and say nothing.
 -- Thomas Nashe (1567-1601)
%%
A traveller at Sparta, standing long upon one leg, said to a Lacedaemonian,
"I do not believe you can do as much." "True," said he, "but every
goose can."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Remarkable Speeches
%%
A traveller should have a hog's nose, a deer's legs, and an ass's back.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
A treasure trove of gems: symptom strings,
error records, VRA listings and much more.
 -- MVS/ESA: Diagnosis: Tools and Service Aids LY28-1813-03
 -- 13.0 Chapter 13.  Logrec Data Set
%%
A Treasury of Filthy Religious Art Masterpieces
 -- title of book once proposed to Simon & Schuster
%%
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell
sophisticated American telephone technology to the soviets.

American : "And in the United States, anyone can pick up any phone
 and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them
 with the police."

Soviet : "In the Soviet Union we don't require that you dial anything."
 -- From the New York Times, 11/7/89
%%
A tree is a terrible thing to waste....
%%
"A tree is a tree.  How many more do you need to
 look at?"
 -- Ronald W. Reagan, 1966
%%
A tree is best measured when it is down.
%%
A tree is good enough for a Beer.
%%
A tremendous effort on your part has caused the troll significant injury.
%%
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
%%
A tribble a day keeps the Klingons away.
%%
A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well fed.
%%
At right, I am a licensed cleavage inspector.
%%
A Trill surcharge on an office machine: a Dax fax tax.
%%
A Trip to the Dentist: Yin Pain
%%
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he
had run across.
 -- Announcer on KZOK radio, from Wes Ono (Seattle, WA, USA)
%%
A true adman writes the prose and cons.
 -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
A true conservative must necessarily be a conservationalist.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A true diplomat struts sitting down.
%%
A true friend is forever or fiend.
 -- Proverb
%%
A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else
 -- Len Wein
%%
A true friend is the best possession.
%%
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
%%
A true friend walks in when everyone else leaves
%%
A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through.
%%
A true gentleman ALWAYS lets the lady cum first!
%%
A true gentleman: one who can hog the puck - but doesn't.
%%
A true libertarian supports free enterprise, opposes big business; supports
local self-government, opposes the nation-state; supports the National Rifle
Association, opposes the Pentagon.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A true subwoofer makes the concrete shake beneath you.
%%
A truly advanced planet wouldn't use force.  They wouldn't come here
  in strange alien forms.
 -- Gary Seven, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
%%
A truly creative mind CAN overcome a public education.
%%
A truly despicable person must work at it to become that way, for no one
 simply accomplishes even this state of affairs without some effort and
 sense of direction.
%%
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
A truly lazy person is never bored.
%%
A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already
 exceeding the speed limit.
%%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.
%%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
%%
A truly wise person knows that he knows not.
%%
A trusted friend will outlive you.
%%
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so;
Man was made for Joy and Woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the World we safely go,
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
 -- William Blake (1757-1827)
%%
At shut of evening flowers.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 278
%%
"At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by
 standing uponst the coffee table and striking me-self
 repeatedly upon the head with a brick"
 -- H. R. Gumby
%%
At some point, every faculty would certainly lynch its dean,
if it could only agree on a date.
%%
At some point in your life, you will meet someone who saw Wayne Newton
in Las Vegas.
%%
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organisa-
tion, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
 -- Brien's First Law
%%
At such times, the wise cat retires to meditate.
%%
At sunrise everything is luminous but not clear.

It is those we live with and love and should know who elude
us.

You can love completely without complete understanding.
 -- Norman Maclean
 -- A River Runs Through It
%%
Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained
only by someone who is detached.
 -- Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace
%%
ATTACK CAT!!!!    take a bite out of crime!
%%
Attacked by Giant Lemmings - take 6D6 laughing damage.
%%
Attacking the Guardians is about as futile as attacking a stone wall.
Unfortunately for you, your futile blow attracts their attention, and
they manage to dispatch you effortlessly.
%%
Attacking the snake both doesn't work and is very dangerous.
%%
Attacking without a weapon is suicide.
%%
Attack long worms from the rear - that is so much safer!
%%
Attack of the Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers!
%%
Attack of the Killer Taglines (PG-13)
%%
ATT Bell Labs is a trademark of UNIX.
 -- Calton Pu
%%
AT&T does it in long lines.
%%
Attempted assassinations are the accidents of kings, just as falling
chimneys are the accidents of masons.  If we must weep, let us weep
for the masons.
 -- Benito Mussolini (1883-1945)
%%
Attempted to launch application.
 -- WinError #2
%%
Attempt the end, and never stand to doubt;
Nothing 's so hard but search will find it out.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- Seek and Find
%%
Attempt to be seen with important people.
%%
Attempt to run Lotus application.
 -- WinError #5
%%
Attendants at a service station in Eunice, Louisiana, handed more than
$100 to a naked man who claimed to have a gun in his pocket.
%%
Attend no auctions if thou hast no money.
 -- The Talmud
%%
Attention all decks, all divisions, effective immediately, I have handed
  over control of this vessel to Acting Captain Wesley Crusher.
Thank you Captain Picard, thank you. And with that order dawns a brave
  new day for the Enterprise.
 -- Picard and Wesley, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
Attention all K-Mart shoppers, today the special is...
%%
Attention all planets of the Solar Federation: We have assumed control.
%%
 Attention, attention, there are monkey-boys in the complex.
 -- Buckaroo Banzai (the film)
%%
ATTENTION: Baby Seal Clubbing at 8:00 P.M. on Holodeck 4!
%%
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
 Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
%%
Attention everybody! Larry Blackadder has another cunning plan!
%%
ATTENTION EVERYONE!  Danny has the car!
%%
Attention Frankston line passengers. The 4:38pm train to Frankston is
running twenty minutes late due to the driver having decided to stop at
Armadale and clip his toenails. Besides which, staff at Metropolitan Train
Control felt a bit thirsty and have all gone to Young & Jacksons for
drinkies. In addition to this, staff at this station have been working a
double-shift, and are consequently going home as they are absolutely
buggered. There will be no trains tomorrow due to most of the staff being
extremely pissed off with management, and going to the Australian Railway
Union picnic in the Royal Botanical Gardens, instead of turning up to run
the train system.
    Metropolitan Transit apologises for any inconvenience.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Attention! Jeremy eats cats and is not wearing pants!
%%
ATTENTION: John Hinckley. Bill Clinton is dating Jodie Foster.
%%
Attention!! Modem addict on the lOOse
%%
Attention! This Is The POSYS, My Tags been Snaged
%%
Attention to detail is the watchword for gleaning information from
an unsuspecting witness.
 -- Inspector Cleuseau
%%
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
 -- Plato (428-347 or 348 B.C.)
%%
Attention: Unattended children will be cut up and put in the soup.
%%
Attention: Unattended children will be sold as slaves.
%%
At that moment the bottom fell out of Arthur's mind.
His eyes turned inside out. His feet began to leak out of the top of his head.
The room folded flat about him, spun around, shifted out of existence and left
him sliding into his own navel.
They were passing through hyperspace.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
...At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected that
computer speeds as high as 30 million floating-point calculations per
second (megaflops) would be needed for the Army's ballistic missile
defense system.  Many computer experts -- including a National Academy
of Sciences panel -- said achieving such speeds, even using multiple
processors, was impossible.  Today, new generation supercomputers operate
at billions of operations per second (gigaflops).
 -- Aviation Week & Space Technology, May 9, 1988, Washington Roundup, pg 13
%%
At the Academy Awards Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood
gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides
their press agents.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
At the age of four with paper hats and wooden swords we are all
 generals--only some of us never grow out of it.
 -- Peter Ustinov
%%
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
At the back of the roadhouse they've got some bungalows...
and that's for the people who like to go down slow...
let it roll, baby, roll ... all night long.
 -- Jim Morrison
%%
At the base of all these aristocratic races the predator is not
to be mistaken, the splendorous blond beast, avidly rampant for
plunder and victory.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
At the beginning of the cask and at the end take thy fill, but be
saving in the middle; for at the bottom saving comes too late. Let
the price fixed with a friend be sufficient, and even dealing with
a brother call in witnesses, but laughingly.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 366
%%
At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliche.
 -- Stanislaw J. Lec
%%
At the bottom of a good deal of the bravery that appears in the world
there lurks a miserable cowardice.  Men will face powder and steel
because they cannot face public opinion.
 -- Edwin Hubbel Chapin
%%
At The Bottom Of The Can: Hazel Nutt.
%%
At the close of the day when the hamlet is still,
And mortals the sweets of forgetfulness prove,
When naught but the torrent is heard on the hill,
And naught but the nightingale's song in the grove.
 -- James Beattie (1735-1803)
 -- The Hermit
%%
At the core of all well-founded belief, lies belief that is unfounded.
 -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
%%
at the country turns out.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
At the dissolution
He hurries to that which supports him.
Remorse disappears.
%%
At the end of the day, it's balls in the back of the net that counts.
%%
At the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold.
%%
At the end of the tunnel is a bottomless pit...
%%
At the end of what is called the "sexual life" the only love which has
lasted is the love which has everything, every failure and every
betrayal, which has accepted even the sad fact that in the end there is
no desire so deep as the simple desire for companionship.
 -- Graham Greene
%%
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
and no further activities are scheduled.
%%
               At the first turning of the second stair
               I turned and saw below
               The same shape twisted on the banister
               ...
               Under the vapour in the fetid air
               Struggling with the devil of the stairs who wears
               The deceitful face of hope and of despair.
 -- TS Eliot
%%
At the foot of the mountain, the lake:
The image of Decrease.
Thus the superior man controls his anger
And restrains his instincts.
%%
At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.
%%
At the half: Bears 16 - Tourists 0.
%%
At the heart of liberty is the right to define one's own concept of
existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life.
 -- Justice Anthony Kennedy
%%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how
bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical
scrutiny of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are
winnowed from deep nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in
trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting
mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical
thinking together keeps the field on track.
 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%%
At their wits' end.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cvii, 27
%%
At the moment of meeting, the parting begins.
%%
At the next beep it will be... 00:29:28
%%
At the retirement center for senior citizens, Wrinkle City, if everyone
 happens to smile at once it's automatically declared Halloween. The
 residents are so elderly it's considered a good deed for a Boy Scout to
 help an old lady cross her legs.
 -- Pat McCormick
%%
At these prices, I lose money--
but I make it up in volume.
 -- Peter G. Alaquon
%%
"At the sound of the tone, YOUR telephone's going to EXPLODE!" <beep>
(If you've seen the Monty Python episode where the announcer comes on
and says "And now, it's time for the penguin on top of your television
set to explode!" you'll know what sort of voice to use.)
 -- Carl Greenberg
%%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at
least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
 -- Tom Gibb
%%
At the store yesterday, I came upon a giant glass jar of maraschino
cherries that had broken on the floor.  As the clerk appeared with
a mop, I said, "Looks like the end of a month of sundaes."
%%
At the tagline, leave your number.  We'll get back to you.
%%
At the tail in retreat. This is dangerous.
One must not wish to undertake anything.
%%
At the top of the food chain sits chocolate.
%%
At the touch of Love every one becomes a poet.
 -- Plato
%%
At the University of Illinois they think they've developed a new source of
 fuel for energy. They think they can make fuel from horse manure. I ain't
 lyin'. I read it in the paper today. Now, I don't know if your car will be
 able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to
 siphoning.
 -- Billy Holliday
%%
At the very best you always enjoy the full potential of doing something
 which is marginal. With just a little planning on your part, it can also be
 totally meaningless, too! With just a bit more energy and enthusiasm, it
 can also be a relatively uncomplicated act of sheer stupidity.
%%
At the well hole one shoots fishes.
The jug is broken and leaks.
%%
At the working-man's house hunger looks in, but dares not enter!
nor will the bailiff or the constable enter; for industry pays debts,
but despair increaseth them.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
At thirty, man suspects himself a fool;
Knows it at forty, and reforms his plan.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Night Thoughts, Night i, Line 417
%%
"At this point it is tempting to ask: Why would anyone go through
the pain of implementing a superscalar 386?"
 -- Mike Johnson, "Superscalar Microprocessor Design"
%%
Attic's a little dusty.
%%
Attic tragedies of stateliest and most regal argument.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Tractate of Education
%%
Attila the Hen runs the White House.
%%
At times discretion should be thrown aside,
and with the foolish we should play the fool.
 -- Menander
%%
At times I am afraid that my toes will fall off.
%%
At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do
 not cease to be insipid.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
At times the wolves howl and the moon is silent.
%%
At times we must settle for inferior  quality time.
%%
Attitude adjustments $29.95.  Alignment extra.
%%
Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference.
 -- sign-on screen of Pioneer Financial Service
%%
Attitude is everything.
%%
Attitudes adjusted, while you wait.
 -- L.A. Police Car Bumper Sticker
%%
Attitudes are more important than facts.
 -- Karl Menninger
%%
Attitudes create politics and politics precedes equality.
%%
:attoparsec: n. About an inch.  `atto-' is the standard SI
   prefix for multiplication by 10^(-18).  A parsec
   (parallax-second) is 3.26 light-years; an attoparsec is thus
   3.26 * 10^(-18) light years, or about 3.1 cm (thus,
   1 attoparsec/{microfortnight} equals about 1 inch/sec).  This
   unit is reported to be in use (though probably not very seriously)
   among hackers in the U.K.  See {micro-}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Attorneys make better motions.
%%
Attracting a lower class of bimbo.
%%
AT&T Subspace: The next best thing to beaming there.
%%
At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at
forty, the judgment.
 -- Grattan
%%
AT&twits: Phone solicitors.
%%
A turkey roast is a foul ball...
%%
At West Point, the cadets had been full of bravado...But bravado was
grounded in ignorance;    true courage was possible only after one gained
the visceral comprehension that death was the potential price of valor.
 -- Rick Atkinson, "The Long Grey Line"
%%
At whose sight all the stars
Hide their diminish'd heads.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 34
%%
A twin-engine airplane has twice as many engine problems
as a single-engine airplane.
%%
A two-handed sword usually misses.
%%
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
%%
A two-timing husband is one who's pleased to make his wife's acquaintances.
%%
At your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it 's humble.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
At your feet all the water of the stream splashes into a 2-inch slit
in in the rock. Downstream the streambed is bare rock.
%%
At your feet is a small pit breathing traces of white mist.  An east
passage ends here except for a small crack leading on.
%%
At your service!
%%
"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"
 -- Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message
%%
A type of jellyfish found off the coast of England is the longest
animal in the world.
%%
A typical quimmty old hag who spread these vile ruperts was Mrs.
Weatherby -- a widow by her first husbands.
 -- John Lennon
%%
At yuletide, astronauts look for the missile toe.
%%
ATZ to Bob ? ATZ to Bob ? Are you there?
%%
AU$@#%^&46F*HEY CAT! <>...and stay OFF the keyboard!
%%
Auckland Rain Festival - Jan. 1 to Dec. 31
%%
Au contraire. I am ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't
  laugh out loud, because if I did, I fear my _head_ would have fallen
  off...
 -- Edmund to Melchett : Money
%%
AUCTION:
      A gyp off the old block.
%%
AUCTIONEER, n.  The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked
a pocket with his tongue.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Audacity, and again audacity, and always audacity.
 -- Georges Jacques Danton
%%
Audemus jura nostra defendere...
[Let us dare defend our rights.]
%%
Audi: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
%%
Auditorium, natatorium, crematorium and gymnasium must be compounds.
%%
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom
line divisible by 5 or 10.
 -- O'Brien's Principle (The $357.73 Theory)
%%
Auditors are the people who go in after the war is lost and bayonet
the wounded.
%%
Auditors like to examine figures.
%%
August 10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years
and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of
Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines
jet.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
August 25 -- In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides,
by a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the
Express Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package."
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
August 28 -- In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in a
scuffle with actor Sean Penn.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
August 3 -- Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid
publicity, sells her story to ABC television.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
August 6 -- As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most
popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is
true -- "Contra."  The way it works is, there are are two soldiers on
the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.
 -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
Auld Nature swears the lovely dears
  Her noblest work she classes, O;
Her 'prentice han' she tried on man,
  And then she made the lasses, O!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Green grow the Rashes
%%
A unicorn can be tamed only by a fair maiden.
%%
A united Germany means even less sunbeds.
%%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%%
A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor.
 -- Ernest May
%%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in
students.
 -- John Ciardi
%%
A university professor set an examination question in which he asked
what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had
to give an A+ to a student who answered; I don't know and I don't care
 -- Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990
%%
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
%%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a
good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore.
%%
Auntie Em, why is Toto playing in the blender?
%%
Auntie Histamine
%%
Aunt Patty:  "Nothing dear, I'm just trashing your father."
Lisa:  "Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the
same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have therefore he
is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern my prospects of my
adult relationships.  So, I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a
knock at me and I am far too young to defend myself against such onsluaghts."
Aunt Patty:  "Uh, huh.  Go watch your cartoon show, dear."
 -- "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire", from The Simpsons
%%
Aural sex gives me an earie feeling.
%%
Aural sex produces eargasms.
%%
Auribus teneo lupum.
[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
%%
Aurora now, fair daughter of the dawn,
Sprinkled with rosy light the dewy lawn.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book viii, Line 1
%%
Auschwitz, the meaning of pain, the way I want you to die.
%%
A useless life is an early death.
%%
A USRHST-world's most powerful modem-feeling lucky- punk?
%%
Australia , Hurrah.
Australia , Hurrah.
We have Tin and Iron and our backbone is wheat
and also sheep.
Yes we are so lucky
The Kangaroo, the native bear and the Emu, too!
Australia , Hurrah
Australia , Hurrah!
 -- A (seriously) proposed Australian National Anthem
%%
AUSTRALIA, n.  A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and
commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate
dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an
island.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Australian beer is made out of kangaroo hops.
%%
Australian Rules Football may best be described
as a game devised for padded cells, played in the open air.
%%
Australians do it down under.
%%
Australians have 2 NEW uses for sheep: wool and mutton.
%%
Australian Student Struck By Lightning For The Sixteenth Time.
%%
Australia: the continent that thinks it's a state.
 Texas: the state that thinks it's a continent.
 Alaska: Who cares! The mosquitoes are as big as states.
%%
Australia...visit us soon...where your dollar goes further..
%%
Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
%%
Authentic, adj. Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
%%
Authenticity Police--death to Spandex!
%%
Authoritarian socialism has failed almost everywhere, but you will
find not a single Marxist who will say it has failed because it was
wrong or impractical. He will say is has failed because nobody went
far enough with it. So failure never proves that a myth is wrong.
 -- Jean-Francois Revel
%%
"Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than
World War II... Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books."
 -- Jay Leno
%%
Authorities tend to frown on the placement of an unopened can of spinach in
 a microwave oven, although everyone knows this is a quick way to redecorate
 your kitchen.
%%
Authority and liberty are two incompatible ideas.... Liberty diminishes
in proportion as man progresses and becomes civilized.
 -- Antonio de Oliveira Salazar (1889-1970)
%%
Authority forgets a dying king.
 -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
%%
Authority intoxicates, And makes mere sots of magistrates. The fumes
of it invade the brain, And make men giddy, proud and vain; By this
the fool commands the wise The noble with the base complies. The
sot assumes the rule of wit, And cowards make the base submit.
 -- Butler
%%
Authority is a poor substitute for leadership.
 -- John Luther
%%
Authority is no stronger than the man who wields it.
 -- Dolores E. McGuire
%%
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
 -- CORNUELLE'S LAW
%%
Authority without wisdom is like a heavy ax without an edge, fitter to
bruise than polish.
 -- Anne Bradstreet
%%
Authorization for a project will be granted only when none of the
authorizers can be blamed if the project fails but when all of the
authorizers can claim credit if it succeeds.
%%
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
depths they were once able to plumb.
 -- Stanley Kaufman
%%
Authors do it by rote.
%%
Authors, like coins, grow dear as they grow old.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Epistle i, Book ii, Line 35
%%
Authors rarely welcome even the most constructive advice.
%%
Autistics commit senseless violence.  Film at 11.
%%
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
 -- Useful phrases to know when traveling in moslem areas
%%
Autobiography is the history of motorcars.
%%
Autobiography: Unrivalled telling truth about others.
%%
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million
men. Let's play that one over again, too. Who decides?
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
AUTOEXEC.BAT = Lee Iacocca as a vampire.
%%
Autoexec:  Snooooozzzzzzze
%%
:automagically: /aw-toh-maj'i-klee/ or /aw-toh-maj'i-k*l-ee/ adv.
   Automatically, but in a way that, for some reason (typically
   because it is too complicated, or too ugly, or perhaps even too
   trivial), the speaker doesn't feel like explaining to you.  See
   {magic}.  "The C-INTERCAL compiler generates C, then automagically
   invokes `cc(1)' to produce an executable."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Auto makers do it with standard equipment (or optional equipment).
%%
Automatic calling unit - teenager with a telephone
 -- Data communications glossary
%%
 (Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:)
 I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's
 handling supporting fire!  Leave your name and number, and a
 message!  We'll get back to you as soon...  FIRE IN THE HOLE!
 (BOOM!)  We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms
 the place!
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
 -- Mary H. Waldrip
%%
Automating:  A couple making love in a car.
%%
Auto mechanics do it under hoods, using oil and grease.
%%
Automobile mufflers don't die, they just get exhausted.
%%
Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
 pedestrians.
%%
Autopsy is a dying practice.
%%
Autovision... what about Autosmell?
%%
       [Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ...  Spring
       changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and
       went straight on into Summer ...  Until one day ...]
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Autumn nodding o'er the yellow plain.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Autumn, Line 2
%%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
 -- Tennessee Williams
%%
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
%%
Availability of manuscripts in a given subject area is inversely
proportional to the need for books in that area.
%%
Avalanche is better than none.
 -- Bullwinkle
%%
Avalanche or roadblock, I was a snowball in hell.
%%
Avant-Garde Narrow: a typeface for the broad-minded.
%%
Avarice: generally the last passion of those lives of which the first
part has been squandered in pleasure, and the second devoted to
ambition.
 -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
Avarice increases with the increasing pile of gold.
 -- Juvenal
%%
Avarice in old age is foolish; for what can be more absurd than to
increase our provisions for the read the nearer we approach to our
journey's end.
 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Avarice is always poor, but poor by her own fault.
 -- Johnson
%%
Avarice is always poor.
 -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
Avarice is the vice of declining years.
 -- George Bancroft
%%
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
"Avast, ye slobs!  Deploy the mizzen mast!  Rotate
 the rubber baby buggy bumpers!"
 -- Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS
%%
Avast, ye swabs!
%%
:avatar: [CMU, Tektronix] n. Syn. {root}, {superuser}.  There
   are quite a few UNIX machines on which the name of the superuser
   account is `avatar' rather than `root'.  This quirk was
   originated by a CMU hacker who disliked the term `superuser',
   and was propagated through an ex-CMU hacker at Tektronix.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Avatar terminal, the long distance co.'s nightmare
%%
AVAX - A low-flying VAX with radar.
%%
A VAX is virtually a computer, but not quite.
%%
A vegetarian diet can prevent 97% of our [society's] coronary
occlusions.
 -- Diet and Stress in Vascular Disease,
 -- Journal of the American Medical Association, Vol 197, No. 9., 1961, pg 806.
%%
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat
anything that can have children.
 -- David Brenner
%%
Ave, Imperator, morituri te salutant...
[Hail, Emperor, those who are going to die greet you.]
%%
Avenge the death of the working class!
%%
Avenge yourself!  Stay alive long enough to become a problem to your children.
%%
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn, Goldwyn's Law of Contracts
%%
A verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when its all together.  It's
downright inhuman to split it up.  But that's just what those Germans do.  They
take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other
part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these
two limits they just shovel in German.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
A veritable river of words.
%%
AVERNUS, n.  The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal
regions.  The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by
a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have
suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.  This, however,
has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

    _Facilis descensus Averni,_
        The poet remarks; and the sense
    Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
        Will get more of punches than pence.
                                                        Jehal Dai Lupe
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
A verse may find him who a sermon flies,
And turn delight into a sacrifice.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- The Church Porch
%%
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and a .44 magnum.
%%
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
%%
Avert the rupture of the equilibrium.
%%
A very ancient and fish-like smell.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
A very beadle to a humorous sigh.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A very drunk man is trying his key on a hole in the lamp post. A police
 officer comes by, notices that the man is terribly drunk and suggests that
 there is no one home in the lamp post. The drunk replies that of course
 someone is home, since there is a light upstairs.
%%
A very gentle beast, and of a good conscience.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%%
A very merry, dancing, drinking,
Laughing, quaffing, and unthinking time.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Secular Masque, Line 40
%%
A very riband in the cap of youth.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iv, Sc. 7
%%
A very sad poet was Jenny
Her limericks weren't worth a penny
   In technique they were sound
   Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any
She always wrote one line too many.
 -- Douglas Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
%%
A very sensible people. For example Mintakan women precede their
  mates. It's a signal to other women.
This man is taken, get your own?
Not precisely. More like if you want his services, I'm the on
  you have to negotiate with.
What kind of services?
All kinds.
They are a sensible race.
 -- Troi and Riker, "Who Watches the Watchers, stardate 43173.5
%%
A VERY small joke, ensign...
 -- Spock
%%
A very smart lady named Cookie
Said, "I like to mix gambling with nookie
    Before every race
    I go home to my place
And curl up with a very good bookie."
%%
A very valiant trencher-man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
A very wise mute once said :
%%
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
%%
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
%%
"A vicious firebrand of Law and Order, his FOAMING WRATH is
 MIGHTY!... Yet his heart flows over with warmth and human kindness to all
 the good and honest people!"
  "You're hurt pretty bad, Mister... have some Wheaties!"
 -- Flaming Carrot
%%
A victim of a prank, Geordi puts a banana over his eyes.
%%
   A village.  Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp
   cracks.  It comes nearer.  We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL
   flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with
   wooden boards.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
A viola's range? 30 feet if kicked hard enough.
%%
A violent man will die a violent death.
 -- Lao Tsu
%%
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,
The perfume and suppliance of a minute.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
A violin minus the bow.
%%
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
%%
A virgin is chaste.
%%
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
%%
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
A virus is a Daemon with an attitude problem!
%%
A virus that eats taglines would really make people mad.
%%
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
%%
A visit to a political convention is much akin to a residency which is
 required on a garbage heap. As a matter of fact, I rather believe I would
 prefer the garbage heap if it comes to a choice.
%%
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
%%
A visit to the Zoo is very educational; you meet interesting animals.
%%
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
%%
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. Too bad you can't keep your mind
on the down to earth things.
%%
A vivid and creative mind is foreign to you.
%%
Avogadro's number..avocado's?"
%%
Avoidable complexity should indeed be avoided.
%%
Avoid administrators.
Skim the required reading.  Skip everything else.
Write vague, spineless papers.
Cram.
 -- Rules for College Survival
%%
Avoid all overcokked sushi, because it is bad for you, and not too good for
 the fish, either.
%%
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties
can usually be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can
concentrate on the single effort.
%%
 Avoid any awful anachronistic aggravating
 antediluvian alliterations.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Avoid any enterprise which will require new clothes.
%%
Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
%%
Avoid being late -- don't even go!
%%
Avoid bigots and fools...oh, that's redundant, isn't it.
%%
 Avoid cliches like the plague.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Avoid cliches like the plague--they're a dime a dozen
%%
Avoid colloquial stuff.
 -- Writing Rule 41
%%
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
%%
Avoid Computer virus - practice safe HEX!
%%
Avoid contact with skin.
%%
Avoid cute identifiers.
%%
Avoid diseases not backed by a national foundation.
%%
Avoid dishonest gain: no price can recompense the pangs of vice.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Avoid driving a motor vehicle or operating heavy machinery after use.
%%
Avoid emus for the rest of the week.
%%
Avoid fighting with the ugly, they have nothing to lose.
%%
Avoid fire, flame, or smoking during use.
%%
Avoid fried foods which angry up the blood.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
Avoid fruits and nuts; after all, you ARE what you eat.
%%
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
%%
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
%%
Avoid Hangovers... Stay Drunk!!!
%%
Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position
falls, your ego goes with it.
 -- Colin Powell
%%
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
%%
Avoid home accidents, joined planned parenthood.
%%
Avoidification of neologisms strengthenifies your prosification.
%%
Avoid insincere people.
%%
Avoid junk mail, get an unlisted ZIP code!
%%
Avoid life - It'll kill you in the end.
%%
Avoid Mailmen...............They Are Carriers
%%
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry
(NB: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead!)
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Avoid "off-topic" warnings: Add the moderator to your twitlist!
%%
Avoid opening doors. You never know whats on the other side.
%%
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the
Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."
 -- The Official MBA Handbook on business cards
%%
"Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
%%
Avoid penguins.
%%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
Avoid reality at all costs!
%%
"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%%
Avoid running at all times.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
%%
Avoid shame, but do not seek glory,--nothing so expensive as glory.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 88
%%
Avoid suspicion: when you're walking through your neighbor's melon
patch, don't tie your shoe.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
%%
Avoid that run down feeling.  Stay on the sidewalk.
%%
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
%%
Avoid the chicken salad.
%%
Avoid the end-of-the-year rush.  Fail your exams now.
%%
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
%%
Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches.
%%
Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shortened ones will do.
%%
 Avoid those abysmally horrible,
 outrageously repellent exaggerations.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
 Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on,
 they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really wish
 the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep going,
 they're worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble incessantly,
 and these sentences, they just never stop, they go on forever...
 if you get my drift...
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Avoid treacherous locutions that sound flaky.
%%
 Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into
 the black abyss of overused metaphors.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Avoid Tunnel Vision Wear Blindfold In Tunnel
%%
Avoid unnecessary branches.
%%
A volcano gnome seems to walk straight out of the wall and says, "I have a
very busy appointment schedule and little time to waste on computer hacks, but
for a very small fee, I'll show you how to logoff.
%%
A volcano gnome seems to walk straight out of the wall and says,
"I have a very busy appointment schedule and little time to waste on
trespassers, but for a very small fee, I'll show you the way out."
You notice that the gnome is nervously glancing at his watch.
%%
Avon is a ding-dong operation.
%%
A vote on the tally sheet is worth two in the box.
%%
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
 -- Kirk, "The Menagerie," stardate 3012.4.
%%
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Awake, arise, or be forever fallen!
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 330
%%
Awake, my soul! stretch every nerve,
  And press with vigour on;
A heavenly race demands thy zeal,
  And an immortal crown.
 -- Philip Doddridge (1702-1751)
 -- Zeal and Vigour in the Christian Race
%%
Awake, my St. John! leave all meaner things
To low ambition and the pride of kings.
Let us (since life can little more supply
Than just to look about us, and to die)
Expatiate free o'er all this scene of man;
A mighty maze! but not without a plan.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 1
%%
A Walking across town tonight I looked up and saw a club marquee that said,
 "Live Nudes." I thought: Good choice.
 -- Tommy Sledge
%%
A wand of vibration might bring the whole cave crashing about your ears.
%%
A wanton young lady from Wimley
 Reproached for not acting quite primly
 Said, "Heavens above!
 I know sex isn't love,
 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
%%
Awards are like hemorrhoids; in the end, every asshole gets one.
 -- Frederic Raphael
%%
A warm beer is better than no beer at all
%%
A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.
 -- William Arthur Ward
%%
A warning message should not be funnier than the joke.
 -- Rule #624
%%
A warped sense of humor is vastly better than no sense of humor at all
%%
A Warriors Drink -- Well that Explains a lot.
%%
A watched clock never boils
%%
A Watched Pot May Never Boil, But the Cook Certainly Does.
%%
A watched pot never disappears.
%%
A watched telephone never rings.
 -- The Ring Rule
%%
Aw come on, Bob.  Pull my finger.
%%
A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things,
but cannot receive great ones.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
A wealthy priest, but rich without a fault.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book v, Line 16
%%
A weapon that comes down as still
  As snowflakes fall upon the sod;
But executes a freeman's will,
  As lightning does the will of God;
And from its force nor doors nor locks
Can shield you,--'t is the ballot-box.
 -- John Pierpont (1785-1866)
 -- A Word from a Petitioner
%%
A Weasel is a ferret with seniority.
%%
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
%%
A week is a long time in politics.
%%
A-weem-o-wrat, a-weem-o-wrat, hey hey hey
%%
A wee pint, if you please.
 -- Jim Glynn
%%
A weird howling tornado hits from out of the West!
You've been caught in a chaos storm!
The chaos storm warps your frame!
Your statistical entropy has been maximized.
%%
A weird howling tornado hits from out of the West!
You've been caught in a chaos storm!
You feel filled with energy!
You also feel weaker. Paradoxical, no?
%%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
 getting nervous.
%%
A well-bred dog generally bows to strangers.
%%
A well-crafted tagline is a joy forever.
%%
A well-governed appetite is a great part of liberty.
 -- Seneca
%%
A well-known friend is a treasure.
%%
A well known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public
lecture on astronomy.  He described how the earth orbits around the sun and
how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars
called our galaxy.  At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back
of the room got up and said: "What you have just told is rubbish.  The world
is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise."  The
scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the tortoise standing
on?"  "You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady.   "But
it's turtles all the way down!"
 -- Stephen Hawking, "A Brief History of Time"
%%
A well regulated commerce is not, like law, physics, or divinity, to be
overstocked with hands; but, on the contrary, flourishes by multitudes,
and gives employment to all its professors.
 -- Addison
%%
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.
These are great mysteries.
 -- The Tao of Programming
%%
A well-written Life is almost as rare as well-spent one.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
%%
Awesome use of the language, dude!
 -- Batty
%%
A wet sheet and a flowing sea,
  A wind that follows fast,
And fills the white and rustling sail,
  And bends the gallant mast.
And bends the gallant mast, my boys,
  While like the eagle free
Away the good ship flies, and leaves
  Old England on the lee.
 -- Allan Cunningham (1785-1842)
 -- A Wet Sheet and a Flowing Sea
%%
Aw, gee, Wally . . .
%%
Aw hell, just once I'd like to see Picard KILL the alien!
%%
A whippersnapper has nothing to do with sex? Drat!
%%
A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and
a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
A white lie is aversion of the truth.
 -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
A white lie soon gets tanned from exposure.
%%
A whole cheese cake has a very short life span!
%%
A whole hog is better than no hog at all.
%%
A wholesome mind is wasted potential.
%%
A whore is a whore for the same reason some of us aren't.
%%
A wicked book cannot repent.
%%
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
 LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
 -- Addison
%%
A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife for ever.
%%
A wilderness of sweets.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book v, Line 294
%%
A wind-up clock without a key.
%%
A windy April is death to little pigs.
%%
A wink lasts only 3/10 of a second.
%%
A winner goes through a problem; a loser goes around, but never past, it.
%%
A winner isn't nearly as afraid of losing as a loser is secretly
afraid of winning.
%%
A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises.
%%
A winner never quits. A quitter never wins.
%%
A winner never whines.
 -- Paul Brown
%%
A winner says "Let's find out."; a loser says "Nobody knows."
%%
A winner shows some of his character, a loser, all of it.
%%
A winner works harder than a loser and has more time; A loser is
always too busy to do what is necessary.
%%
A winning wave, deserving note,
In the tempestuous petticoat;
A careless shoe-string, in whose tie
I see a wild civility,--
Do more bewitch me than when art
Is too precise in every part.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- Delight in Disorder
%%
A wino asked me for change. I gave him my shirt...
%%
A winy vapour melting in a tear.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xix, Line 143
%%
A wise and salutary neglect.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Speech on the Conciliation of America, Vol. ii, p. 117
%%
A wise investment you made will pay off big time.
%%
A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the
top of a mountain.
%%
A wise man depends on his friends for information and on himself for decisions.
%%
A wise man first determines what is within his control;
all else is then irrelevant.
 -- Epictetus
%%
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
 -- Balthasar Gracian
%%
A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxiv, 5
%%
A wise man knows everything, but a shrewd man knows everyone.
%%
A wise man never loses anything, if he has himself.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book i, Chap. xxxviii, Of Solitude
%%
A wise man never refuses anything to necessity.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 540
%%
A wise man never sits on a holy throne.
%%
A wise man once said ..."I don't know."
%%
A wise man poor
Is like a sacred book that 's never read,--
To himself he lives, and to all else seems dead.
This age thinks better of a gilded fool
Than of a threadbare saint in wisdom's school.
 -- Thomas Dekker (1572-1632)
 -- Old Fortunatus
%%
A wise man rules by the stars, a Fool is ruled by them.
%%
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
 -- Montaigne
%%
A wise man's question contains half the answer.
 -- Solomon Ibn Gabirol
%%
A wise man who stands firm is a statesman, a foolish man who stands
firm is a catastrophe.
%%
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
 -- Francis Bacon, English philosopher (1561-1626)
%%
A wise man would no sooner appoint a contractor to a position of trust
that a President would ask Taiwan to guard the mainland.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
A wise player ought to accept his throws and score them, not bewail his luck.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Phaedra, Frag. 862
%%
A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would
be against his interests.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
A wise scepticism is the first attribute of a good critic.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Shakespeare Once More
%%
A wise son maketh a glad father.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs x, 1
%%
A wise woman never yields by appointment.
 -- Stendhal
%%
A withered poplar puts forth flowers.
An older woman takes a husband.
No blame. No praise.
%%
A wit 's a feather, and a chief a rod;
An honest man 's the noblest work of God.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle iv, Line 247
%%
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
%%
A witty saying proves nothing.
 -- Voltaire
%%
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were,
expressed this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying:
"Coitus is merely an unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
 -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)i
 -- [attempting to explain why masturbation is "by no means harmless"]
%%
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book iv, Line 90
%%
A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent
 to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
 remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
 reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.
 It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties
 of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
 matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.
 -- "The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII"
%%
A wizard, huh?  I throw my drink at him.
%%
    A wizard is only as good as his spells," people will often say. It is
telling however, that this statement is only made by people who have never
been wizards themselves.
    Those of us who have chosen to pursue a sorcerous career know that a
knowledge of spells is only one small facet of the successful magician.
Equally vital are a quick wit, a soothing tongue, and, perhaps most
important, a thorough knowledge of back alleys, underground passageways, and
particularly dense patches of forest, for those times when the spell you
knew so well doesn't quite work after all.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I
%%
    A wizard must always know how to use words. Practice smiling as you
recite the following simple exercise. First: "The spell has not worked. It
is best that you get out of your house before it explodes." Second: "The
spell has not worked, It is best I get out of here before you explode." And
third: "The spell has not worked. Will you please pay me the rest of my
retainer before your money explodes with you?" Delivering lines like these
with conviction is the sign of a professional sorcerer.
 -- The Wizard Finals: A Study Guide (Third Edition)
 -- Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms
%%
    A wizard must do his best not to judge any person or thing on their
first appearance. Many a human or other intelligent creature will have
hidden depths to their personalities which you will only discover as you get
to know them and work with them; and hidden cash reserves, which you can
bill them for regularly as this aforementioned knowledge process takes
place.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVI
%%
    A wizard's reputation is his bond, or so the sages say. And, as all
learned men know, a reputation is difficult to build, and all too easily
besmirched.  The wizard with a fallen reputation is often led to less savory
forms of employ, and, while these sometimes pay better than whatever the
wizard was doing before, they are not the sort of thing one writes home to
Mother about.  The successful wizard, therefore, should develop three or
four reputations simultaneously, and then, happily, will have one for every
occasion.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XIII
%%
A wizard without a sword, thank you.
%%
:awk: 1. n. [UNIX techspeak] An interpreted language for massaging
   text data developed by Alfred Aho, Peter Weinberger, and Brian
   Kernighan (the name derives from their initials).  It is
   characterized by C-like syntax, a declaration-free approach to
   variable typing and declarations, associative arrays, and
   field-oriented text processing.  See also {Perl}.  2. n.
   Editing term for an expression awkward to manipulate through normal
   {regexp} facilities (for example, one containing a
   {newline}).  3. vt. To process data using `awk(1)'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Awkward Age: the period lasting from birth until death.
%%
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.
%%
A Woman a day keeps the Wife away
%%
A woman, as much as a man, is responsible by the age of forty for the
character of her face. But women, obeying the biological imperative, strive
harder to preserve a youthful appearance (the reproductive look) and lose it
sooner.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after 35. I
 said 35 children is enough for any woman!
 -- Gracie Allen
%%
A woman can be anything the man who loves her would have her be.
 -- James Barrie
%%
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
%%
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
 -- W.C. Fields
%%
A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium.
 -- Publilius
%%
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
 -- Scott
%%
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
 -- Jane Austen
%%
A woman forgives the audacity of which
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
 -- LeSage
%%
A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.
 -- Fannie Hurst
%%
A woman hath nine lives like a cat.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. iv
%%
A Woman, impudent and mannish grown
Is not more loath'd than an effeminate Man.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
A woman is always buying something.
 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - 18 A.D.)
%%
A Woman is a two edged sword ... driven through your skull.
%%
A woman is a well-served table that one sees with different eyes before and
 after the meal.
%%
A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her drawers.
 -- Blind Lemon Pledge
%%
A woman is like a piano.  If she's not upright she's grand.
%%
A woman is like a tea bag--you can't tell how strong she is until you put her
in hot water.
 -- Nancy Reagan
%%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.
 -- Chamfort
%%
A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the
open sea.
 -- Honore de Balzac
%%
A woman, like a good piece of music,
should have a solid end.
 -- Franz Schubert
%%
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.  "Just lost a
 shoe?" she asked.  He answered, "Nope, just found one."
%%
A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,--
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Taming of the Shrew
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing--tender, sweet, and stupid.
 -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)
%%
A woman must be a genius to create a good husband.
%%
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
 couldn't.
 -- Murphy's laws on sex
%%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times over
for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of pride --
for the opening or the shutting of a door.
 -- Stendhal
%%
A woman on the Fifth Avenue bus was being a nuisance. Every five minutes
 she'd pester the driver, "Are we on Riverside Drive yet?" She kept asking,
 getting on his nerves, but he kept his temper. When he didn't respond after
 she asked yet again, she cried, "How will I know when we come to Riverside
 Drive?" He said, "By the big smile on my face, lady, by the big smile on my
 face."
 -- Frank Sullivan
%%
A woman past 40 should make up her mind to be young, not her face.
 -- Billie Burke
%%
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither physically
defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even when indulged to
in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
 -- Purdue Exponent (Jan 16, 1925)
%%
A woman's accusation is all that is needed to for conviction.
%%
A woman's appearance depends upon two things: the clothes she wears and
the time she gives to her toilet... Against the first we bring the
charge of ostentation, against the second of harlotry.
 -- Tertullian (180?-230?)
%%
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as
he can.
 -- Moms Mabley
%%
A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
 -- Clare Booth Luce
%%
A woman's choice can kill a man.
%%
A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose
 without obstructing the view.
 -- Sophia Loren
%%
A woman's guess is more accurate than a man's certainty.
%%
A woman's head on a spike is not a pretty thing.
 -- V. Tsepes
%%
A woman should have compassion.
 -- Kirk, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
%%
A woman's life is a history of the affections.
 -- Washington Irving
%%
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
 -- Oliver Herford
%%
A woman's place is in the house.  And the senate.
%%
A woman's place is in the mall.
%%
A woman's place is in the wrong.
%%
A woman's place is under the covers.
%%
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
 -- Herodotus
%%
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to
satisfy his one need.
%%
A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along at about
 fifty. Suddenly a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and told her to pull
 over. The cop looked at her. "Hmmm!" he said, "I'm going to put you down
 for fifty-five." She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes
 me look old."
 -- Joe Laurie, Jr.
%%
A woman well bred and taught, furnished with the additional accomplisments of
knowledge and behavior, is a creature without comparison.
 -- Daniel DeFoe
%%
A woman went to the butcher's to buy some meat. So she bought some steak, a
 few pounds of hamburger, a few pounds of ribs, and a big roast, and then
 she says to the butcher, "Deliver it!"

 The butcher says, "I can't deliver it, lady."

 She says, "What's the matter with you? You've gotta deliver it. Your
 delivery wagon's parked right out front."

 The butcher says, "I know that, lady, but you got most of the horse!"
 -- Jimmy Durante
%%
A woman who doesn't wear lipstick feels undressed in public. Unless she
 works on a farm.
 -- Max Factor
%%
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
 pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
 woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
 love, without virtue, without sex.
 -- Balzac
%%
A woman who thinks she is intelligent demands equal rights with men.
A woman who is intelligent does not.
%%
A woman, who weighed a bulging three hundred pounds, went into a store to
 buy some shoes. She tried on so many she almost drove the poor clerk crazy.
 Each pair was either too big, too small, too narrow, or the wrong color.

 "Oh, this is the pair I like," she finally said to the startled clerk.

 "But, lady," he replied, "you're wearing the boxes."
 -- Joe Laurie, Jr.
%%
A woman will sometimes devote all her life to the development of one
husband who can't cook and will.
%%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
 -- Gloria Steinum
%%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%%
A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
%%
A woman without a man is like a moose without a hairnet.
%%
A word and a blow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxv, 11
%%
A word in season spoken
May calm the troubled breast.
 -- Charles Jefferys (1807-1865)
 -- A Word in Season
%%
A word is worth 1/1000 of a picture.
%%
A word once sent abroad flies irrevocably.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
A word spoken in due season, how good is it!
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xv, 23
%%
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need
the advice.
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
A word to the wise is enough.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
%%
A word to the wise is unnecessary.
 -- La Rouchefoucauld
%%
A word to you is necessary.
%%
A workman that needeth not to be ashamed.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Timothy ii, 15
%%
A work of art is never finished, only abandoned.
%%
A work project expands to fill the space available.
 -- The Einstein Extension of Parkinson's Law
No matter how large the work space, if two projects must be
done at the same time they will require the use of the same
part of the work space.
 -- Corollary
%%
A world community can exist only with world communication, which means
something more than extensive shortwave facilities scattered about the
globe. It means common understanding, a common tradition, common ideas,
and common ideals.
 -- Robert M. Hutchins
%%
A world worth leaving is seldom worth returning to.
%%
A worm is in the bud of youth,
  And at the root of age.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Stanzas subjoined to a Bill of Mortality
%%
A worthless wise man always charms the rabble.
%%
A wounded spirit who can bear?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xviii, 14
%%
AWP: Argue With Programmer
%%
A wretched soul, bruised with adversity.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Comedy of Errors
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Awright, you people! Who stole my strawberry preserves?
%%
A writer is someone for whom writing is much harder than it is for the
others.
 -- Ken Laws
%%
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
 -- Writing Rule 06
%%
A wrong-doer is often a man that has left something undone, not always
he that has done something.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 5
%%
AWTT: Assemble With Tinker Toys
%%
Aww c'mon, just till I need glasses...
%%
Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet.
 -- Visionaries cartoon
%%
"Awww..."
  "Don't let that 'sweet' act fool ya, Harry! They're DANGEROUS ASSASSINS!"
 -- Two guards from ZOT!
%%
Awwww its just a Harmless little Bunny!
%%
Awwww its just a Harmless little Tagline!
%%
Awwww Sher-sher=sher-=-shucks
%%
Axioms are the best example of GIGO!
%%
Ayatollah Khomeini will one day be viewed as some kind of a saint.
%%
A yawn is a silent shout.
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
%%
Ay, but to die, and go we know not where;
To lie in cold obstruction and to rot;
This sensible warm motion to become
A kneaded clod; and the delighted spirit
To bathe in fiery floods, or to reside
In thrilling region of thick-ribbed ice;
To be imprison'd in the viewless winds,
And blown with restless violence round about
The pendent world.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Ay, call it holy ground,
  The soil where first they trod:
They have left unstained what there they found,--
  Freedom to worship God.
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers
%%
Ay, do despise me! I 'm the prouder for it; I like to be despised.
 -- Isaac Bickerstaff (1735-1787)
 -- The Hypocrite, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Ay, down to the dust with them, slaves as they are!
  From this hour let the blood in their dastardly veins,
That shrunk at the first touch of Liberty's war,
  Be wasted for tyrants, or stagnate in chains.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- On the Entry of the Austrians into Naples, 1821
%%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%%
"Aye, aye, mambo-man."
 -- Bart to Homer in "Some Enchanted Evening", from The Simpsons
%%
Aye carrumba! No Simpsons conference on this board!
%%
A yer ago I kudnt spel jeanyus now I are won.
%%
A yer ago I kudnt spel progrmer now I are won.
%%
Ay, every inch a king.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iv, Sc. 6
%%
Ay, Island Gurl, Wot you doin' witda white man werld?
%%
Ay me, how many perils doe enfold
The righteous man, to make him daily fall!
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book i, Canto viii, St. 1
%%
Ay, now am I in Arden: the more fool I. When I was at home I was in
a better place; but travellers must be content.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
A young doctor requires a big cemetery.
 -- Time-honored Russian Proverb
%%
A younger person will soon take your job.
%%
A young man looks up to and respects his teachers.
 -- Seneca
%%
A young man married is a man that 's marr'd.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), All 's Well that Ends Well
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
A young man wrote to Mozart and said:

   Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me
     any suggestions as to how to get started."
   A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should
      begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a
       symphony."
   Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8
       years old."
   A: "But I never asked anybody how."
%%
A young monk asked his teacher, "What is the true
 spiritual nature of life?"

 His teacher picked up a bowl of water and threw it
 in the student's face, saying "Go wash out your mouth!"
%%
Ay, tear her tattered ensign down!
  Long has it waved on high,
And many an eye has danced to see
  That banner in the sky.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- Old Ironsides
%%
A yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant
 that hasn't been reviewed yet.
 -- Mort Sahl
%%
A yuppie wouldn't salute the flag if it wasn't 100 percent cotton.
 -- Mark Russell
%%
Ay, yi yi yi, I am the Tagline Bandito!
%%
Azathoth/Cthulhu '96. Could they make things any worse?
%%
Azathoth or Cthulhu - why summon any LESSER evil?
%%
A zeal of God, but not according to knowledge.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans x, 2
%%
A zebra cannot change its spots
 -- Al Gore
%%
Azetbur: "The peace process will go forward.  Kirk...Kirk will pay for my
  father's death."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Azetbur: "War is obsolete...as we are in danger of becoming."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Azetbur: "We are a proud race.  And we ... intend to go on being proud."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Azetbur: "We will not extradite the prisoners, and you will make no attempt to
  rescue them in a military operation.  We would consider...any such attempt...
  an act of war."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Azetbur: "What's happened?  What's the meaning of this?"
Kirk: "It's about the future, Madame Chancellor. Some people think the future
means the end of history. They're wrong. We haven't run out of history quite
yet."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Azetbur: "You've restored my father's faith."
Kirk: "And you've restored my son's."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
AZTEC SLIME GOD IMPREGNATES HORRIFIED WORSHIPERS
%%
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the
purpose of the universe.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
%%
Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?...
 -- Nursery rhyme
%%
BAAL, n.  An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names.
As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had
the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous
account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his
glory on the Plain of Shinar.  From Babel comes our English word
"babble."  Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god.  As
Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays
on the stagnant water.  In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus,
and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the
priests of Guttledom.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
BAA
  The sound a sheep makes when trying to communicate its inner
  feelings to the outside world. Unfortunately those in the outside
  world who actually understand this are generally only other sheep.
  But much can be interpreted by merely listening to the tone
  expressed:
       Baa!    -   Imperative
       Baa...  -   Vague
       Baa?    -   Questioning
       ...     -   Stubborn silence
       B-      -   Slaughtered suddenly
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Ba, ba, ba ... ba, Barbara Anne ...
%%
Bababooey! Bababooey!
 -- Howard Stern
%%
BABE or BABY, n.  A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or
condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and
antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.
There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose
adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries
before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being
preserved on a floating lotus leaf.

            Ere babes were invented
            The girls were contended.
            Now man is tormented
    Until to buy babes he has squandered
    His money.  And so I have pondered
            This thing, and thought may be
            'T were better that Baby
    The First had been eagled or condored.
                                                               Ro Amil
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Babes are like roads.
%%
Babes prefer hard disks to floppy ones.
%%
Babies are such a nice way to start people.
 -- Don Herold
%%
Babies do it in their pants.
%%
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me
 off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?  You
 haven't worked a day in your life!"
 -- Steven Wright
%%
BABIES: easy to make, hard to deliver.
%%
Babies speak in many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.
%%
BA: Branch Anywhere
%%
Baby, after considerable thought I've reached the conclusion that the
only conceivable legitimate answer to the Universe as constituted is
a peal of hysterical laughter.
 -- Keith Laumer, _Night of Delusions_
%%
Baby = A new acorn on the family tree.
%%
Baby, baby, baby, I fell from the sun.
 -- The Cult.
%%
Baby baby, I need ya tonight.
%%
Baby! Baby! oo-ah oo-ah! Baby! Baby! oo-ah oo-ah!
%%
BABY Back Ribs.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Baby Bop - Bop that baby!
 -- From the nerf version of Jurassic Park
%%
Baby Bop to T-rex: Ooooo Ooooo I'm...*CHOMP!*
%%
Baby Borg: Isn't he the cutest little thing?
%%
Baby Borg: The cutest little thing you ever saw...
%%
Baby, can you dig your man?
%%
Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission
%%
Baby dragon to Momma dragon: Can I play with it now? Huh huh? Please!
%%
Baby: "Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
%%
Baby, I'm your's!
%%
Baby In the Gas Tank
 -- By Who Pumped Ethel
%%
Babylon 5: A science fiction show that *knows* where it's going!
%%
Babylon 5: Casablanca in space.
%%
Babylon 5 is open for business.
%%
Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations.
%%
Babylon is fallen, is fallen.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xxi, 9
%%
Babylon's 1 through 3 were sabotaged and destroyed.
%%
Baby needs a new pair of shoes.
 -- Data, "The Royale", stardate 42625.4
%%
Baby oil is NOT made by squeezing dead babies!
%%
Baby On Board.
%%
Baby on board. Just means five more points.
%%
Baby on Board, Mom on Valium.
%%
Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it.
%%
Baby's heads have no hair,
Old men's heads are just as bare;
Between the cradle and the grave,
Lies a haircut and a shave.

Back to a simpler time of skins and stones!
When things go wrong -- the answer's in the stars
Or evil spells or reading chicken bones
Or sacrifices to all gods but Mars.
 -- Jack Kirwan
%%
Babysitter: A person who gets paid for emptying your fridge, deep freeze,
 kitchen cabinets, and who asks you for money to reimburse the Pizza
 delivery person.
%%
Babysitters charge by the hour.
%%
Baby Sitters: Girls you hired to watch your TV!
%%
Babysitting: Hostage care.
%%
Baby steps to the Runabout.
%%
Baby stork, Mama, where did I come from?
%%
Baby...
 -- The Late Elvis Presley.
%%
Baby we can talk all night but that'll never change the way that I feel.
%%
Baby we will never go back... and If love is real....
%%
Baby What Blue eyes you have, HEY, nice crysknife!
%%
Baby, you're the key to my ignition.
%%
BAC: Branch to Alpha Centauri
%%
Bacchus, ever fair and ever young.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Alexander's Feast, Line 54
%%
BACCHUS, n.  A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse
for getting drunk.

    Is public worship, then, a sin,
        That for devotions paid to Bacchus
    The lictors dare to run us in,
        And resolutely thump and whack us?
                                                                Jorace
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bacchus, that first from out the purple grape
Crush'd the sweet poison of misused wine.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 46
%%
Bach did it with the organ.
%%
Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting
 fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. It's not so much fun if you
 think of it as dinner ... Nomenclature is an important part of bachelor
 cooking. If you call it "Italian cheese toast," it's not disgusting to have
 warmed-over pizza for breakfast.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Bachelorhood should be taxed, such happiness is valuable.
%%
Bachelor: one who never Mrs. a girl.
%%
Bachelor: plays the field until the field comes in.
%%
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd
be married too.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair
 that some men should be happier than others.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
 -- Nicolas Chamfort
%%
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
%%
Bach is like a jetstream, if you can get on it, you soar!
%%
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very large.  Bach died
from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He
was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
 -- The World According to Student Bloopers: Richard Lederer
%%
Back and side go bare, go bare,
  Both foot and hand go cold;
But, belly, God send thee good ale enough,
  Whether it be new or old.
 -- Bishop Still (John) (1543-1607)
 -- Gammer Gurton's Needle, Act ii
%%
Back at ya......
%%
BACKBITE, v.t.  To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find
you.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:backbone cabal: n. A group of large-site administrators who pushed
   through the {Great Renaming} and reined in the chaos of {USENET}
   during most of the 1980s.  The cabal {mailing list} disbanded in
   late 1988 after a bitter internal catfight.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:backbone site: n. A key USENET and email site; one that processes
   a large amount of third-party traffic, especially if it is the home
   site of any of the regional coordinators for the USENET maps.
   Notable backbone sites as of early 1993 include uunet and the
   mail machines at Rutgers University, UC Berkeley, {DEC}'s Western
   Research Laboratories, Ohio State University, and the University of
   Texas.  Compare {rib site}, {leaf site}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Back burners not fully operating.
%%
Back.  But it's nice to know you liked it, so thank YOU for replying!
%%
Back Door WIZARD Mode!
You will invalidate your score if you proceed.
Enable WIZARD Mode? [yn]
You feel like a cheater.
%%
Backed up the system lately?
%%
Back fence: shortest distance between two gossips...
%%
BACKFIRE:  Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
%%
Background here is really a lo-tech .bmp
%%
:background: n.,adj.,vt.  To do a task `in background' is to do
   it whenever {foreground} matters are not claiming your undivided
   attention, and `to background' something means to relegate it to
   a lower priority.  "For now, we'll just print a list of nodes and
   links; I'm working on the graph-printing problem in background."
   Note that this implies ongoing activity but at a reduced level or
   in spare time, in contrast to mainstream `back burner' (which
   connotes benign neglect until some future resumption of activity).
   Some people prefer to use the term for processing that they have
   queued up for their unconscious minds (a tack that one can often
   fruitfully take upon encountering an obstacle in creative work).
   Compare {amp off}, {slopsucker}.

   Technically, a task running in background is detached from the
   terminal where it was started (and often running at a lower
   priority); oppose {foreground}.  Nowadays this term is primarily
   associated with {{UNIX}}, but it appears to have been first used
   in this sense on OS/360.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Back in a minute
 -- Godot.
%%
Backing up does not cause severe tire damage...
%%
Backing Up Drive C:..............
%%
Back in my day, we didn't have any of these fancy
disclaimers. We blamed our employers for our opinions, and
they got sued for silly little provocations, and they would
fire us, and we would be sleeping out in the cold and
hungry, and we LIKED it that way
%%
Back in the saddle again...
%%
Back in the twentieth century, the H-bomb was the ultimate weapon,
  their doomsday machine.  And we used something like it to destroy
  another doomsday machine.  Probably the first time such a weapon has
  ever been used for constructive purposes.
 -- Kirk, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.9.
%%
BACK, n.  That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
contemplate in your adversity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
 -- Brooks Hays
%%
Back off buddy, I'm a scientist.
 -- Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
%%
Back off man! Don't make me use this!
%%
Back off man! I'm a programmer...
%%
Back off or I'll turn your little man into a torch. I promise him
  exquisite pain.
 -- Lore, "Datalore", stardate 41242.4
%%
Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett
%%
BACK RUBS--Given with pleasure, received with ecstasy
%%
Back-scratched by cutie with very long nails:  R-E-L-I-E-F
%%
Back-seat driving is a form of duel control.
 -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
:backspace and overstrike: interj. Whoa!  Back up.  Used to suggest
   that someone just said or did something wrong.  Common among
   APL programmers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"BACK, spawn of Satan! It's the Reverend Wallace Wallop you face, and my
 strength is GREAT, for I do HIS work! This is a battery-powered water
 pistol filled with HOLY WATER!  We don't hold with the Papacy, but
 Lord, LORD -- that Pope can bless water like NOBODY'S business!"
  "Rambo him good in the name of the Lord."
 -- The Rev. Wallace Wallop (and the Missus) dispatch yet another Hellspawn
%%
Back to taxation without representation..
%%
Back to the insanity at hand.
%%
Back to thy punishment,
False fugitive, and to thy speed add wings.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 699
%%
Backup aborted:  Remove disk #92 and start over.
%%
Backup?  I haven't lost my data; it's still in the library somewhere!
%%
Backup is for whimps!
%%
Backup !?!?!?! I thought *YOU* did the backup!
%%
Backup my hard disk? I can't even find the reverse switch!
%%
Back Up My Hard Drive? I don't have a license yet.
%%
Back Up My Hard Drive? Is this a stick shift?
%%
Back up, nah, forward, forever forward me laddies!
%%
Back Up, Not Down.
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (P)anic (D)iarrhea
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etire (P)eefirst
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (B)eat computer to a pulp?
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (D)etonate
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (F)reak Out!
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (M)assive heart failure?
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (C)ryalot
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic, (O)h &*%$|+@!
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (S)uicide
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell Computer
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)it sheba
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)it shiva
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)oil pants
%%
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
%%
Backup not found: I might as well kill myself now...
%%
Backup not found: (M)umble (G)rumble (E)xpletive deleated?
%%
Backup not found: (P) Panic (Any Other Key) Panic.
%%
Backup not found: (S)o? (R)emain Calm (D)estroy terminal
%%
Backup: Opposite of forward.
%%
Backup - originally to take a security copy of a program or file.
Now used interchageably with pirate and steal.
%%
Backup religiously -- Pray you don't lose anything.
%%
backups: always in season, never out of style.
%%
Backups?  My hard drive won't crash!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Backups?  We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^$,VbKx NO CARRIER
%%
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
%%
Backups??  Why, when we have the Air Force.
%%
Backup - The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make.
%%
:backward combatability: /bak'w*rd k*m-bat'*-bil'*-tee/ [from
   `backward compatibility'] n.  A property of hardware or software
   revisions in which previous protocols, formats, layouts, etc. are
   irrevocably discarded in favor of `new and improved' protocols,
   formats, and layouts, leaving the previous ones not merely
   deprecated but actively defeated.  (Too often, the old and new
   versions cannot definitively be distinguished, such that lingering
   instances of the previous ones yield crashes or other infelicitous
   effects, as opposed to a simple "version mismatch" message.)  A
   backwards compatible change, on the other hand, allows old versions
   to coexist without crashes or error messages, but too many major
   changes incorporating elaborate backwards compatibility processing
   can lead to extreme {software bloat}.  See also {flag
   day}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%%
Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!
I am so weary of toil and of tears,--
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain!
Take them, and give me my childhood again!
 -- Elizabeth Akers Allen (1832-1911)
 -- Rock me to sleep
%%
Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind.
 -- Wolcott Gibbs
%%
Backwards thinking. I plan dates backwards: The movie's at ten, that means
 I pick her up at nine, that means I'm in the shower at eight, that means
 I'm running at seven, that means I leave work at six, that means I get to
 work at nine, that means I'm asleep the night before at midnight, that
 means ... I'm late now. I can't make it.
 -- Larry Miller
%%
Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight!
Make me a child again, just for to-night!
 -- Elizabeth Akers Allen (1832-1911)
 -- Rock me to sleep
%%
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
 and it was always snowing.
%%
Back when I was a boy, we had to carve our own ICs out of wood!
%%
Back when I was attending the University of Utah, The Daily Utah Chronicle
ran a joke ad for a debate between Phil Donahue and Whiskers the Lamb.
Over 30 people showed up.  (what they were expecting, God only knows.)
%%
Back when I was yer age.. Wait.. I'm not there yet..
%%
BACON didn't write SHAKESPEARE; SHAKESPEARE ate BACON!
%%
Bacon, Roger:  An English friar who dabbled in science and made
   experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first
   science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and
   talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad
   diets of the period.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Bacteria acts more intelligent than human beings
%%
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria.
%%
... bacteriological warfare...hard to believe we were once foolish
  enough to play around with that.
 -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
%%
Bad advice has consequences as well.
%%
Bad artists always admire each other's work.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
:BAD: /B-A-D/ [IBM: acronym, `Broken As Designed'] adj. Said
   of a program that is {bogus} because of bad design and misfeatures
   rather than because of bugginess.  See {working as designed}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BAD: Branch And Die
%%
BAD: Branch to Auto Destruct
%%
Bad breath is better than no breath.
%%
Bad command.  Bad, bad command!  Sit!  Stay!  Staaay...
%%
Bad Command or Filename.
%%
Bad Command or Filename...It's all your fault!
%%
Bad command or file name..STUPID!
%%
Bad Command!  You'll have to have a timeout until you can behave.
%%
Bad company is like a nail driven into a post, which, after the first
or second blow, may be drawn out with little difficulty; but being
once driven up to the head, the pincers cannot take hold to draw
it out, but which can only be done by the destruction of the wood.
 -- St. Augustine
%%
Bad cop.  No donut!  Bad cop.  No donut!
 -- Portland Protest Chant
%%
Bad Cow Jokes: Terry Bull
%%
Bad Credit? No Credit? No Problem.  No Money? Problem.
%%
Bad day.. my inflatable girlfriend exploded.
%%
Bad day: The moderator has you on his twit list.
%%
Bad day to drive off a cliff.
%%
B.A.D.D. - Brotherhood Against Dink Doers
%%
B.A.D.D. news, kid.  Roleplaying is dangerous!
%%
Bad excuse is better than none.
 -- Nicolas Udals
%%
Bad FAT?  My hard disk has high cholesterol?
%%
"Badger!  Grab something and *hang on*!"
  "Right-Oh!  I'm hanging onto this 1890 Liberty Head Silver Dollar!"
 -- Badger, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from "Nexus"
%%
Badgers?!  We don't need no stinkin' badgers!
%%
"Badger, what kind of amplifier should I get?"
  "A BIG one."
 -- The Badger giving out Hi-Fi advice
%%
"Badges?  We don't need no steenken badges!"
 -- "Treasure of the Sierra Madres"
%%
Bad Girl: nothing but a good girl found out.
%%
Bad habits are hard to form.
 -- The Locker Gnome
%%
Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard
to get out of.
%%
Bad habits?  I have nun.
%%
Bad in the best, though excellent in neither.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- The Passionate Pilgrim, iii
%%
Bad Investment: Les Riches
%%
Bad is never good until worse happens: Danish proverb
%%
Bad judgement + experience + luck = good judgement.
%%
"Bad knee, gotta run"
 -- Pat Buchanan to his draft board
%%
Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
 -- Dalin B. Oaks
%%
Bad laws are the worst sort of tyranny.
 -- Edmund Burke
%%
BADLINE#2-Hey baby, you know you want to hate yourself in the morning.
%%
Bad luck, Ballders.
Don't worry, my lord. The arrow didn't in fact enter my body. By a
  thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells
%%
Bad luck comes by the pound, and leaves by the ounce.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
%%
Bad luck is universal. Don't take it personally.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
 -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.)
%%
bad module/chip at: %s
%%
Bad money drives out good.
 -- Sir Thomas Gresham
%%
Bad nerves are inheritable - we get 'em from our children.
%%
Badness, look you, you may choose easily in a heap: level is the path,
and right near it dwells. But before Virtue the immortal gods have
put the sweat of man's brow; and long and steep is the way to it,
and rugged at the first.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 287
%%
Bad news about the two lighthouse keepers --
their marriage is on the rocks.
%%
Bad news does not improve with age.
 -- Jody Powell
%%
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
 -- Lee Loevinger
%%
Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn't take one more step.
 -- Don McLean
%%
Bad news travels fast.
%%
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
 -- George Jean Nathan
%%
Bad or missing BEER.CAN. End universe? Y/y.
%%
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (y/n)
%%
Bad or missing sysop.
%%
Bad scrabble player: inconsonant with no vowel movement.
%%
Bad shorts!
 -- Batty
%%
"Bad Sink" by Lee King
%%
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
%%
Bad spot on the disk.
%%
Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
%%
Bad taste is timeless.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
:Bad Thing: [from the 1930 Sellar & Yeatman parody "1066 And
   All That"] n. Something that can't possibly result in improvement
   of the subject.  This term is always capitalized, as in "Replacing
   all of the 9600-baud modems with bicycle couriers would be a Bad
   Thing".  Oppose {Good Thing}.  British correspondents confirm
   that {Bad Thing} and {Good Thing} (and prob. therefore {Right
   Thing} and {Wrong Thing}) come from the book referenced in the
   etymology, which discusses rulers who were Good Kings but Bad
   Things.  This has apparently created a mainstream idiom on the
   British side of the pond.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bad times have a scientific value...
We learn geology the morning after the earthquake.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
BAD TO THE BONE I'M BABABABAD TO THE BONE !
%%
Bad TV don't make Bad Kids, Bad Parenting Does.
%%
Bad waltzers are grasping at Strauss.
%%
Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
%%
Bad weather reports are more often right than the good ones.
 -- Murphy's Thirty-Sixth Law
%%
BAF: Blow All Fuses
%%
Baffles! I've harkened my henus!
 -- Atrillo Trilobite
%%
BAFL: Branch And FLush
%%
Bagbiter:
     1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
intermittently.  2. adj.:  Failing hardware or software.  "This
bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar."  Usage:  verges on
obscenity.  Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
bag".  Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
%%
:bagbiter: /bag'bi:t-*r/ n. 1. Something, such as a program or a
   computer, that fails to work, or works in a remarkably clumsy
   manner.  "This text editor won't let me make a file with a line
   longer than 80 characters!  What a bagbiter!"  2. A person who has
   caused you some trouble, inadvertently or otherwise, typically by
   failing to program the computer properly.  Synonyms: {loser},
   {cretin}, {chomper}.  3. `bite the bag' vi. To fail in some
   manner.  "The computer keeps crashing every five minutes."
   "Yes, the disk controller is really biting the bag."  The
   original loading of these terms was almost undoubtedly obscene,
   possibly referring to the scrotum, but in their current usage they
   have become almost completely sanitized.

   ITS's {lexiphage} program is the first and to date only known
   example of a program *intended* to be a bagbiter.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bagbiting: adj. Having the quality of a {bagbiter}.  "This
   bagbiting system won't let me compute the factorial of a negative
   number."  Compare {losing}, {cretinous}, {bletcherous},
   `barfucious' (under {barfulous}) and `chomping' (under
   {chomp}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bagdad in flames! Missles coming! Film at 11.
%%
Bagel: A pretzel that got its head together.
 -- Ron Smith
%%
Bagel bakers settle...kneadless strike ends!
%%
Bagels, Lox, Cream Cheese  --  YUM YUM !!
%%
Baghdad is Arabic for molten glass...
%%
:bag on the side: n. An extension to an established hack that is
   supposed to add some functionality to the original.  Usually
   derogatory, implying that the original was being overextended and
   should have been thrown away, and the new product is ugly,
   inelegant, or bloated.  Also v. phrase, `to hang a bag on the side
   [of]'.  "C++?  That's just a bag on the side of C ...."
   "They want me to hang a bag on the side of the accounting
   system."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bagpipe - a flute built to government specs.
%%
Bagpipe: Stuff cat under arm. Pull legs and chew tail.
%%
BAH: Branch And Hang
%%
Bah! Humbug! I CRAP on your Spitulous Creeds!
 -- Mickey Mouse
%%
"Bah!  You can't make a sow's ear out of a cheap thug!"
 -- Ham re-iterates one of Circe's old complaints in "The Badger"
%%
Bailiffs always come to order.
%%
Bailiff, whack his peepee!
%%
BAIT, n.  A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.  The
best kind is beauty.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bake 350 for 40 minutes - cat should be flaky, not tough.
%%
Baked Alaskan.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
BakerDos 4.0: (O)ffer a jelly baby; (C)onfuse 'em; (S)earch pockets
%%
Bakers do it for the dough.
%%
Baker's Dozen: Twelve of today's doughnuts and one of yesterday's.
 -- Johnny Hart ("BC")
%%
Bakers knead it daily.
%%
Baker, Swaggart...Only 3 To Go!
%%
Balance the budget.  Declare politicians a game species!
%%
BALC: Branch And Link Cheeseburger
%%
Bald: follicularly challenged.
%%
Bald: hairing impaired.
%%
Bald men don't waste their hormones growing hair.
%%
Baldness is a kind of failure.  Wish I'd made the greyed.
 -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all
  his hellish instruments of death, would be as nothing compared
  to five minutes with me...and this pencil.
 -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending
  with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that
  you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy
  hat?
 -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord
  Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy...just go forth into the
  street.
 -- Edmund : Money
%%
Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge
  bag to the finest mind in English legal history, and you sent
  the note requesting legal representation to...?
(George enters) Well tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a
                  buzz buzz buzz...
Oh God...
 -- Edmund and George : Corporal Punishment
%%
Baldrick! I love you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble
  your shell-like ears!
 -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rainforest there are tribes as yet untouched
  by civilization who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin
  impressions than yours.
 -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and
  friendly companionship.
Ah. Thankyou, Mr.B.
But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore
  confine myself to saying, simply, 'Sod Off', and if I ever meet
  you again it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Sense and Senility
%%
Baldrick, _our_ plan is to find a new leading lady. What is
  _your_ plan?
 -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
Baldrick! Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new experience!
What experience is that?
Being pleased to see you...
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
Baldrick, this is Molly ; an inexpensive prostitute.
  Molly, this is Baldrick...a pointless peasant.
 -- Edmund : Money
%%
Baldrick? Who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian? Oh
  God, it's a dream, isn't it. It's a bloody dream...
 -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Baldrick, why is half the front page missing?
...I don't know.
You _do_ know, don't you.
Yes.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
Baldric, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and
danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing, "Subtle Plans Are Here Again"
 -- Atkinson, Black Adder
%%
Bald spot?  No -- solar panel for brain power.
%%
"Ballad del Gunfighters" by The Okay Chorale
%%
BALLERINAS do it en point
%%
Ballet dancers do it on tip-toe.
%%
Ballet: Often the same thing as opera, when a person is inhibited and can
 not sing, so they dance, or do something that passes for a dance, on the
 tips of their toes.
%%
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI !  Whatever you say!
 -- Useful phrases to know when traveling in moslem areas
%%
balling up: (1) transforming crampons into short skis. (2) fun and games at
increasingly higher altitudes. both are possible at the same time, but
difficult.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
BALLISTOPHOBIA:
  Fear of bullets;
OTOPHOBIA:
  Fear of opening one's eyes.
PECCATOPHOBIA:
  Fear of sinning.
TAPHEPHOBIA:
  Fear of being buried alive.
SITOPHOBIA:
  Fear of food.
TRICHOPHOBIA:
  Fear of hair.
VESTIPHOBIA:
  Fear of clothing.
%%
Ballmer & Gates voodoo dolls for sale: 1-800-KILL-WIN
%%
Balloons and Government both require Hot Air to float
%%
"Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father - hairy
blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,
flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie."
 -- Monty Python
%%
Balsa splintered while you wait.
%%
BALTIMORE:
    A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
%%
Baltimore, n.:
Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%%
Bambi could never have been a mother if her hart hadn't been in the
right place.
 -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
Bambification:
 The mental conversion of flesh and blood living creatures into
cartoon characters possessing borgeois Judeo-Christian attitudes and
morals.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Bamboo sweeps the stairs, but the dust is undisturbed.
%%
:bamf: /bamf/ 1. [from old X-Men comics] interj. Notional sound
   made by a person or object teleporting in or out of the hearer's
   vicinity.  Often used in {virtual reality} (esp. {MUD})
   electronic {fora} when a character wishes to make a dramatic
   entrance or exit.  2. The sound of magical transformation, used in
   virtual reality {fora} like sense 1.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BANANA: Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything
%%
:banana label: n. The labels often used on the sides of {macrotape}
   reels, so called because they are shaped roughly like blunt-ended
   bananas.  This term, like macrotapes themselves, is still current
   but visibly headed for obsolescence.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Banana pickers do it in bunches.
%%
:banana problem: n. [from the story of the little girl who said "I
   know how to spell `banana', but I don't know when to stop"].  Not
   knowing where or when to bring a production to a close (compare
   {fencepost error}).  One may say `there is a banana problem' of an
   algorithm with poorly defined or incorrect termination conditions,
   or in discussing the evolution of a design that may be succumbing
   to featuritis (see also {creeping elegance}, {creeping
   featuritis}).  See item 176 under {HAKMEM}, which describes a
   banana problem in a {Dissociated Press} implementation.  Also,
   see {one-banana problem} for a superficially similar but
   unrelated usage.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bananas are a waste of time. After you skin them and throw the bone away,
 there's nothing left to eat.
 -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
%%
Bananas make great slippers!
%%
BANANAS: What baby prefers to clay.
%%
Ban Censorship!
%%
Bandaid!!!...Damnit Jim, I'm a paramedic...er uh..oh..OK....
%%
Band members do it all night.
%%
Band members do it in a parade.
%%
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
%%
Band members do it in public.
%%
Band members do it in sectionals.
%%
Band members do it on the football field.
%%
Band members play all night.
%%
Bands that Belong Together

Beach Boys and UB40
Fine Young Cannibals and Missing Persons
Guess Who and Who
Kansas and Toto
Madonna and Super Tramp
Milli Vanilli and The Pretenders
Styx and Stones
%%
:bandwidth: n. 1. Used by hackers (in a generalization of its
   technical meaning) as the volume of information per unit time that a
   computer, person, or transmission medium can handle.  "Those are
   amazing graphics, but I missed some of the detail -- not enough
   bandwidth, I guess."  Compare {low-bandwidth}.  2. Attention
   span.  3. On {USENET}, a measure of network capacity that is
   often wasted by people complaining about how items posted by others
   are a waste of bandwidth.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
BANES: a type of food.  "Ah love pinto banes!"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
:bang: 1. n. Common spoken name for `!' (ASCII 0100001),
   especially when used in pronouncing a {bang path} in spoken
   hackish.  In {elder days} this was considered a CMUish usage,
   with MIT and Stanford hackers preferring {excl} or {shriek};
   but the spread of UNIX has carried `bang' with it (esp. via the
   term {bang path}) and it is now certainly the most common spoken
   name for `!'.  Note that it is used exclusively for
   non-emphatic written `!'; one would not say "Congratulations
   bang" (except possibly for humorous purposes), but if one wanted
   to specify the exact characters `foo!' one would speak "Eff oh oh
   bang".  See {shriek}, {{ASCII}}.  2. interj. An exclamation
   signifying roughly "I have achieved enlightenment!", or "The
   dynamite has cleared out my brain!"  Often used to acknowledge
   that one has perpetrated a {thinko} immediately after one has
   been called on it.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bang! goes the kanga off the bonnet of the van...
%%
Bangin' on the bongos like a chim-pan-zee
%%
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows.
%%
:bang on: vt. To stress-test a piece of hardware or software: "I
   banged on the new version of the simulator all day yesterday and it
   didn't crash once.  I guess it is ready for release."  The term
   {pound on} is synonymous.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bang path: n. An old-style UUCP electronic-mail address specifying
   hops to get from some assumed-reachable location to the addressee,
   so called because each {hop} is signified by a {bang} sign.
   Thus, for example, the path ...!bigsite!foovax!barbox!me
   directs people to route their mail to machine bigsite (presumably
   a well-known location accessible to everybody) and from there
   through the machine foovax to the account of user me on
   barbox.

   In the bad old days of not so long ago, before autorouting mailers
   became commonplace, people often published compound bang addresses
   using the { } convention (see {glob}) to give paths from
   *several* big machines, in the hopes that one's correspondent
   might be able to get mail to one of them reliably (example:
   ...!{seismo, ut-sally, ihnp4}!rice!beta!gamma!me).  Bang paths
   of 8 to 10 hops were not uncommon in 1981.  Late-night dial-up
   UUCP links would cause week-long transmission times.  Bang paths
   were often selected by both transmission time and reliability, as
   messages would often get lost.  See {{Internet address}},
   {network, the}, and {sitename}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Banish Evil from the world? Nonsense! Encourage it, foster it, sponsor it. The
world owes Evil a debt beyond imagination. Think! Without greed ambition
falters. Without vanity art becomes idle musing. Without cruelty benevolence
lapses to passivity. Superstition has shamed man into self-reliance and,
without stupidity, where would be the savor of superior understanding?
 -- Magnus Ridolf
%%
Banish me to Babbledegook! No, No! I DID my time!
%%
Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
BANJO PLAYERS pluck with a stiff pick.
%%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%%
Bankers do it for money, but there is a penalty for early withdrawal.
%%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%%
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
%%
Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough
money to cover losses due to mismanagement.
 -- Dan Quayle
%%
Bank for virgins - Chaste Manhattan
%%
Bank on God for a higher rate of interest.
%%
Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape
 -- Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77
%%
Bankrupture: A Fiscal Hernia.
%%
Banned in 34 countries.
%%
Banned on Big Blue.
%%
:banner: n. 1. The title page added to printouts by most print
   spoolers (see {spool}).  Typically includes user or account ID
   information in very large character-graphics capitals.  Also called
   a `burst page', because it indicates where to burst (tear apart)
   fanfold paper to separate one user's printout from the next.  2. A
   similar printout generated (typically on multiple pages of fan-fold
   paper) from user-specified text, e.g., by a program such as UNIX's
   `banner({1,6})'.  3. On interactive software, a first screen
   containing a logo and/or author credits and/or a copyright notice.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Banners flout the sky.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Banquet at McDonalds: Tommy Ayk
%%
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
%%
BAP: Branch And Punt
%%
Baptism: A kind of damp bar mitzvah.
%%
BAPTISM, n.  A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself
in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.  It is
performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by
aspersion, or sprinkling.

    But whether the plan of immersion
    Is better than simple aspersion
        Let those immersed
        And those aspersed
    Decide by the Authorized Version,
    And by matching their agues tertian.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Baptist angels don't dance anywhere.
%%
Baptists do it under water.
%%
Baptists don't like to discuss their sex lies.
%%
Baptists don't make love standing up.  It's too close to dancing.
%%
Barbara Bush, our current first lady, assures us she can wipe out
 illiteracy in Washington, but it will take moving Dan Quayle to Virginia to
 get the job done.
%%
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Barbara Walters? Ugh...me prefer deer.
%%
Barbarians do it with anything.  (As do orcs.)
%%
:bar: /bar/ n. 1. The second {metasyntactic variable}, after {foo}
   and before {baz}.  "Suppose we have two functions: FOO and BAR.
   FOO calls BAR...."  2. Often appended to {foo} to produce
   {foobar}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BARBERS do it and end up with soaping hair.
%%
Barbers do it with Brylcreem.
%%
Barbers do it with scissors.
%%
Barbers do it with shear pleasure.
%%
Barbers in Waterloo, Nebraska, are forbidden by law to eat onions
between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.
%%
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
 But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Barb Y.R. Fence
%%
Bar Chart: A list of places to go when it's Miller Time.
%%
Barclay Burger:    (Don't eat me, please!)
%%
Barclaycard - Its trendy to be in debt.
%%
Barclay: "Commander..."
LaForge: "What?"
Barclay: "You're too late."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "Commander..."
LaForge: "Yeah, Reg?"
Barclay: "Thanks for uh, assigning me to this mission."
LaForge: "Don't mention it. You're one of my top engineers, it's about time you
got in on some of the interesting stuff."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44704.2
%%
Barclay: "Computer, begin new program.  Create as follows, workstation here.
  Now, create a standard alpha-numeric console positioned for the left hand.
  Now, an iconic-display console positioned for the right hand.  Tie both
  consoles into the Enterprise main computer core utilizing neural scan
  interface."
Computer: "There is no such device on file."
Barclay: "No problem.  Here's how you build it."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "Deanna, I've always wanted to earn your respect."
Troi: "You've got it...from all of us."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "Do you suppose this has changed the way people think about me?"
LaForge: "Well, to tell you the truth, Reg, we don't know what to think."
Barclay: "I have been concerned about that, but soon everyone will be able to
understand what I can do for humanity!"
LaForge: "What do you mean?"
Barclay: "We have always perceived that the maximum speed of the Enterprise was
a function of warp. But I know now, there are no limits. We will explore new
worlds that we could never before have reached in our own lifetime.  *I* will
take us to them."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "Hello, Deanna."
Troi: "Reg..."
Barclay: "I'm sorry we can't take that walk at the Arboretum."
Troi: "So am I."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "I mean, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when
  there's a party, and when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the
  corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant."
 -- "Hollow Pursuits", Stardate 43807.4.
%%
Barclay: "I'm sorry, Captain.  I was only trying to help."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "I'm sorry if I overstepped my authority."
LaForge: "Don't mention it."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44704.2
%%
Barclay: "I understand."
LaForge: "You 'understand'?"
Barclay: "Everything!"
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "I want you to know, Lieutenant Worf, that I understand your duty in
  this matter..."
Worf: "Phasers, maximum setting."
Barclay: "...and that I will in no way take your actions personally."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "Lieutenant Barclay to Captain Picard, you can fire photon torpedoes,
  maximum yield, full spread."
Riker: "We're too close."
Barclay: "I'm certain the shields will hold."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44704.2
%%
Barclay: "May I?  Checkmate in nine moves."
Troi: "I didn't know you played chess."
Barclay: "I don't."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44721.9
%%
Barclay: "My primary and cerebral functions are now operating almost entirely
  from within the computer.  They have expanded to such a degree that it would
  be *impossible* to return to the confines of my human brain.  Any attempt to
  do so would mean my death."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "Our computer was too slow to compensate for the overload
on the array,
  so I created an interface that communicated my thoughts directly to the
  central processing unit."
Riker: "Exactly what does that mean?"
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "We could repair all of the reactors, simultaneously, instead of 'one-
  by-one'."
Picard: "'Simultaneously'?  All eighteen?"
Barclay: "Yes."
LaForge: "But the Argus computer is inoperable"
Barclay: "Not entirely.  The core memory is still intact.  We could program a
  completely new control system."
Data: "An interesting suggestion, Lieutenant.  However, that approach would
  require more time than our original plan.  At least seven weeks."
Barclay: "I could have it ready for you in two days."
Riker: "What?!"
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Barclay: "You really, you really don't have to do that."
Troi: "I know."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44721.9
%%
Barclay: "You shouldn't have to wait too long for the results."
Beverly: "What do you mean?"
Barclay: "Couldn't you use a global mode in your scanner?  It would be a lot
  faster."
Beverly: "That's not possible.  We're talking about human cells here, not
  isolinear circuits.  I think you'd better stick to Engineering, Lieutenant."
Barclay: "A cell has an electromagnetic signature, just as a circuit element
  does.  Theoretically, it should work, with just a few adjustments.  I could
  set it up for you if you like."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44704.2
%%
BAR CODE: Electronic device to help locate bars.
%%
Bards do it for audiences.
%%
Bards do it then make into a bawdy tale.
%%
Bards do it to music.
%%
Bards make good cannon fodder.
%%
Bard, smard.  I want a fighter.
%%
Barebear: A very worn teddy bear kept from childhood.
%%
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor --
especially in the dark.
 -- Al Ross
%%
Barefoot girl sitting on the hood of Dodge, drinking warm beer, outside
in the alley.
%%
Bare the mean heart that lurks behind a star.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Satire i, Book ii, Line 110
%%
:barf: /barf/ [from mainstream slang meaning `vomit']
   1. interj.  Term of disgust.  This is the closest hackish
   equivalent of the Val\-speak "gag me with a spoon". (Like,
   euwww!)  See {bletch}.  2. vi. To say "Barf!" or emit some
   similar expression of disgust.  "I showed him my latest hack and
   he barfed" means only that he complained about it, not that he
   literally vomited.  3. vi. To fail to work because of unacceptable
   input, perhaps with a suitable error message, perhaps not.
   Examples: "The division operation barfs if you try to divide by
   0."  (That is, the division operation checks for an attempt to
   divide by zero, and if one is encountered it causes the operation
   to fail in some unspecified, but generally obvious, manner.) "The
   text editor barfs if you try to read in a new file before writing
   out the old one."  See {choke}, {gag}.  In Commonwealth
   Hackish, `barf' is generally replaced by `puke' or `vom'.
   {barf} is sometimes also used as a {metasyntactic variable},
   like {foo} or {bar}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Barfingnewgen: German Car Sickness.
%%
:barfmail: n. Multiple {bounce message}s accumulating to the
   level of serious annoyance, or worse.  The sort of thing that
   happens when an inter-network mail gateway goes down or
   wonky.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BARF-NET : For the Bulemic in YOU!
%%
:barfulation: /bar`fyoo-lay'sh*n/ interj. Variation of {barf}
   used around the Stanford area.  An exclamation, expressing disgust.
   On seeing some particularly bad code one might exclaim,
   "Barfulation!  Who wrote this, Quux?"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:barfulous: /bar'fyoo-l*s/ adj. (alt. `barfucious',
   /bar-fyoo-sh*s/) Said of something that would make anyone barf,
   if only for esthetic reasons.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bargain: Something you can't use at a price you can't resist.
 -- Franklin P. Adams
%%
BARGIN BIN, BARGIN BIN, BIN HAD, BIN BAD.
%%
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails...
%%
Barium: What you do when somebody dies.
%%
Barium: What you do with dead chemists.
%%
Barkis is willin'.
 -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
 -- David Copperfield, Chap. v
%%
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and
west poles.
%%
Barney - A Jurassic Park DNA sequencing error between dino & Bozo
%%
Barney and Baby Bop at Jurassic Park = A happy Velociraptor.
%%
Barney and Baby Bop MUST DIE!
%%
Barney: A Smurf on steroids.
%%
Barney (Bar-Knee) n. 1) Well known purple mutant eggplant from Hell.
%%
Barney beer: for parents who haven't been driven over the edge yet.
%%
Barney Burgers!  Get your red-hot Barney Burgers!
%%
Barney: Dino on drugs.
%%
Barney eaten by Jurassic Park 'raptor. Millions rejoice!
%%
Barney & Friends - An adult's virtual reality trip through Jurassic Park.
%%
Barney is a purple velociraptor, and he loves your kids!
%%
Barney is a velociraptor.
%%
Barney is David Koresh reincarnated, I have proof.
%%
Barney is the Conspiracy's way of preparing children for Rush Limbaugh.
%%
Barney is to television what the Werner-Beast is to Fidonet
%%
Barney - Jurassic Park T. REX embryo injected with Purple Haze.
%%
:barney: n. In Commonwealth hackish, `barney' is to {fred}
   (sense #1) as {bar} is to {foo}.  That is, people who
   commonly use `fred' as their first metasyntactic variable will
   often use `barney' second.  The reference is, of course, to Fred
   Flintstone and Barney Rubble in the Flintstones cartoons.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Barney of Borg: Being assimilated is fun!
%%
Barney of Borg: I love you. You love me. We're a happy Borg entity.
%%
Barney of Borg: You will be assimilated because I love you.
%%
Barney on drugs: Pure-acid Park.
%%
Barney Park - Like Jurassic Park for kids.  But something STARTED wrong.
%%
Barney should tour the La Brea Tar Pits - from the inside!
%%
Barney's Role in Jurassic Park:  Raptor food.
%%
Barney the dinosaur is the AntiChrist... I have proof.
%%
        Barney Theme Song

    I love you, you love me,
 I brainwash your kids with TV
Buy my stuff, spend spend spend,
 I just want to be your friend
 -- Karl Rademacher, [e-mail]
%%
Barney: The only known Molestasaur in existance.
%%
Barney: The reason Mr. Rogers now feels macho.
%%
Barney, turn around and back this way... right over this meat grinder!
%%
Barney: What happens when you feed a smurf after midnight.
%%
Barney: What you get when you choke a smurf.
%%
Barney...  Windows...  Is there a connection?
%%
Barney/Xuxa '96 - Leadership through brainwashing kids
%%
Barnum was wrong ... it's more like every 30 seconds.
%%
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
are having.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
barometer: scientific instrument used to locate mountain taverns.
see brake bar.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
:baroque: adj. Feature-encrusted; complex; gaudy; verging on
   excessive.  Said of hardware or (esp.) software designs, this has
   many of the connotations of {elephantine} or {monstrosity} but is
   less extreme and not pejorative in itself.  "Metafont even has
   features to introduce random variations to its letterform output.
   Now *that* is baroque!"  See also {rococo}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Baroque: (def.) When you are out of Monet!
%%
BARRACK, n.  A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of
which it is their business to deprive others.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
BARRY..  That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
 ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
bar-tacking: sideways veering when approaching or leaving a mountain tavern.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Bart:   "But, Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality."
Homer:  "No, I'm not.  I'm hopping on the band wagon.  Now come on son, get
 with the winning team."
 -- "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons
%%
Bart ... don't! Uh-uh, baby. I *have* to!
%%
Bartel: "Can I help you, sir?"
Scott: "Oh, I don't think so, lassie, but I'll let you know if you can."
 -- "Relics", Stardate Unknown
%%
Bartender! Another Beer!
%%
Bartender, I'd like whatever the man on the floor was drinking.
%%
Bartenders do it on the rocks.
%%
Bartender, set up a tab for me. Richard's buying the beer!
%%
Bart is an underachiever and is.. um... how should I put this... "proud of it."
 -- School psychiatrist in Bart Gets An 'F'  "The Simpsons"
%%
Bart:   "Is it okay if the balloons say 'Happy Birthday' on them?"
Herman: "Err, I'd rather they say 'Death From Above', but I guess that'll do."
 -- "Bart the General", from The Simpsons
%%
Bart:  "I think this guy's a little crazy."
Grandpa: "General Patton was a little crazy.  This guy's totally out of his
mind!  We can't fail!"
 -- "Bart the General", from The Simpsons
%%
"Bart, meet the new champ."
 -- Lisa in "Burp Contest" (Tracy Ullman Show), from The Simpsons
%%
Bart:  "Sir, did you lose your arm in the war?"
Herman (?):  "Well, let's just say that the next time your teacher tells you
 not to stick your arm out the bus window, you DO IT!"
 -- "Bart the General", from The Simpsons
%%
Bart:  "You gotta help me!  These two guys work me night and day.  They don't
feed me.  They make me sleep on the floor.  They put anti-freeze in the wine
and they gave my red hat to the donkey!"
French policeman:  "Anti-freeze in the wine?!  That is a very serious crime!"
 -- English subtitles in "Crepes of Wrath", from The Simpsons
%%
"Bart, you say butt kisser like it's a bad thing!"
 -- Homer in "Bart the General", from The Simpsons
%%
Base 10 numbers are still not accepted by a number of older people who grew up
with shillings and crowns.
%%
Base 2 is a difficult base for computers to perform arithmetic in, particularly
if the task involves variables, negative, fixed or floating point numbers.
%%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
base address n.
        Low-rent accommodation of the kind frequented by operators,
application programmers, and other no-collar workers. Even
cheaper accommodation is possible - a relative address - if
you have an aunt or an uncle living in the area.
%%
BASEBALL
  A pointless little game in which a couple of dozen people run
  around a diamond formation as fast as they can, just to get back to
  where they started. Beats me why they didn't just stay at home base
  in the first place. In between, they throw small round things back
  and forth, and try to hit them very hard with a long metal or
  wooden bat. Which is pretty cruel on the small round things. And
  the bats probably don't enjoy it much either.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Baseball has been bery bery gooood to me.
%%
Baseball, Hotdogs, Apple pie, NRA!
%%
Baseball is a simple game.
You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.
 -- Nuke LaLouche
%%
Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high
taxes.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Baseball is a slow, sluggish game, with frequent and trivial interruptions,
offering the spectator many opportunities to reflect at leisure upon the
situation on the field: This is what a fan loves most about the game.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Baseball is ninety percent mental.  The other half is physical.
%%
Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.
 -- Mary McGrory
%%
BASEBALL PLAYERS do it for a lot of money
%%
BASEBALL PLAYERS do it in teams
%%
Baseball players do it with their bats.
%%
Baseball players hit more home runs.
%%
Baseball players make it to first base.
%%
Baseball serves as a good model for democracy in action: Every player is
equally important and each has a chance to be a hero.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Baseball wrong - no man can walk with four balls.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
 think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
 (2) Advising the President.
 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
 -- David Letterman
%%
Base Envy withers at another's joy,
And hates that excellence it cannot reach.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Spring, Line 283
%%
Base is the slave that pays.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Base wealth preferring to eternal praise.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xxiii, Line 368
%%
Bash any key, and put this puppy out of my wife's misery.
%%
bashie: climber who pendulums out of control.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Bashir on Borg: I'd be hostile to if my poop was cubed!
%%
:BASIC: [acronym, from Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction
   Code] n. A programming language, originally designed for
   Dartmouth's experimental timesharing system in the early 1960s,
   which has since become the leading cause of brain-damage in
   proto-hackers.  This is another case (like {Pascal}) of the
   cascading lossage that happens when a language deliberately
   designed as an educational toy gets taken too seriously.  A novice
   can write short BASIC programs (on the order of 10--20 lines) very
   easily; writing anything longer is (a) very painful, and (b)
   encourages bad habits that will make it harder to use more powerful
   languages well.  This wouldn't be so bad if historical accidents
   hadn't made BASIC so common on low-end micros.  As it is, it ruins
   thousands of potential wizards a year.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Basic Airline Flying: Keep the pointy end forward
%%
Basically a dog person.   I certainly, though, wouldn't want to
offend my constituents who are cat people, and I should say that
being, I hope, a sensitive person, that I have nothing against
cats, and had cats when I was a boy, and if we didn't have the
two dogs might very well be interested in having a cat now.
 -- Incoming Missouri Congressman James Talent,
 -- responding to the question Are you a dog or a cat person?
%%
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike.  The first is,
 we both like to spread our "stink" around.  The second is we both get hit by
 cars a lot.  The third is stripes.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Basically, there are three ways to lose money, racing being the quickest of
 the three, women being the pleasantest, and farming being the most certain
 way of the three.
%%
BASIC --
A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.  You'll ditch
the car as soon as you can afford a new one.
%%
BASIC: Beginners' All-purpose Symbolic Identity Crisis?
%%
BASIC -- Bloated And Slow Interpreted Code
%%
BASIC By All Standards It's Changing
%%
Basic is a high level languish.
%%
BASIC isn't; C stands for Confusing...
%%
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of 'Scientific Creationism'.
%%
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
 -- Seymour Papert
%%
BASIC is to computer programming as Ripple is to wine.
%%
BASIC is to PASCAL what AMERICAN is to ENGLISH.
%%
BASIC is your friend.
%%
BASIC - It is practically impossible to teach good programming to
students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
 -- Dijkstra, "How do we tell truths that might hurt",
 -- ACM Sig Plan Notices, May 82
%%
Basic:
 Language of choice by non-programmers.
%%
BASIC Lives....
%%
Basic, n.: A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in that
those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
%%
BASIC programmers do it all over the place.
%%
BASIC programmers GOTO it.
%%
Basic programmers never die. They just GOSUB without RETURN!
%%
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
 -- Werner von Braun
 -- A Random Walk in Science compiled by R. L. Weber, edited by E. Mendoza
%%
BASIC suck!
%%
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door.  Her specialty is seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them.  She
teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is
their) first experience.  She is not that young herself, but because she was
their first lover the boys always remember her fondly.  Her cooking and
sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that
the boys like.  The opinion that adults have of Mrs.  BASIC is varied.
Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral
woman!  But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss
Pascal.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
BASILISK, n.  The cockatrice.  A sort of serpent hatched form the egg
of a cock.  The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal.
Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator
saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment
for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved.  Juno
afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave.  Nothing
is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk,
but the cocks have stopped laying.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Basis for appeal: My client has $500 left.
%%
Basketball players do it to score.
%%
Basketball players score more often.
%%
BASSISTS do it with their fingers
%%
Bassoonists have long ones.
%%
BASS PLAYERS just pluck at
%%
BASTARD
  Commonly used word for an illegitimate person. Approximately 98% of
  traffic wardens are illegitimate. As are 87% of bank managers, 93%
  of lawyers, and 97% of politicians. There is an Worldwide Society
  of Bastards, who regularly appoint their members to the
  International Order of Bastard. As you may have guessed, Inspector
  Unnecessary-Violence is a member of this noble league.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Bastardo! Bastardo!
...'Barrister'...?
No...Bastardo!
...'Embarrassment'?..You're embarrassed?...I'm embarrassed?...
 -- Spaniard and Edmund : Chains
%%
Bastards do have a redeemable feature:  mortality.
%%
Bastards. I don't even *like* coffee.
 -- Richard Darwin
%%
Bastard toadflax: not the result nearsighted horny toads.
%%
BASTINADO, n.  The act of walking on wood without exertion.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bat1: "Hey!  Did you hear there's a guano shortage?
Bat2: "No shit?"
%%
:batch: adj. 1. Non-interactive.  Hackers use this somewhat more
   loosely than the traditional technical definitions justify; in
   particular, switches on a normally interactive program that prepare
   it to receive non-interactive command input are often referred to
   as `batch mode' switches.  A `batch file' is a series of
   instructions written to be handed to an interactive program running
   in batch mode.  2. Performance of dreary tasks all at one sitting.
   "I finally sat down in batch mode and wrote out checks for all
   those bills; I guess they'll turn the electricity back on next
   week..." 3. `batching up': Accumulation of a number of small
   tasks that can be lumped together for greater efficiency.  "I'm
   batching up those letters to send sometime" "I'm batching up
   bottles to take to the recycling center."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Batch:
 A group, kinda like a herd.
%%
Batches, batches, we don' need no steenkin' batches!
%%
Batch files?  No, but here's a nice batch of cookies.
%%
BATF Cafeteria Menu: Baby Back Ribs, fresh from the babies.
%%
BATF Cafeteria Menu: Blackened Baby Back Ribs.
%%
Bathing Beauty:  A girl worth wading for...
%%
BATH, n.  A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship,
with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.

    The man who taketh a steam bath
    He loseth all the skin he hath,
    And, for he's boiled a brilliant red,
    Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,
    Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling
    With dirty vapors of the boiling.
                                                          Richard Gwow
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bathquake, n.:
        The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
faucet is turned on to a certain point.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
%%
Bathroom scale: Something you stand on and swear at.
%%
:bathtub curve: n. Common term for the curve (resembling an
   end-to-end section of one of those claw-footed antique bathtubs)
   that describes the expected failure rate of electronics with time:
   initially high, dropping to near 0 for most of the system's
   lifetime, then rising again as it `tires out'.  See also {burn-in
   period}, {infant mortality}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Batman didn't write any plays."
  "Yeah, but Shakespeare didn't beat up any crooks."
 -- Overheard at a sci-fi convention by Jerry Boyajian
%%
Batman does it with Robin.
%%
Batman is a menace to society...
%%
Batman IS Mr.Mom?!?!
%%
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given
determination, exercise, and deep psychological
trauma.
 -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst
%%
Batman, was around here somewhere
%%
Bats fly in the dark because they see better...?
%%
Bats in the belfry.
%%
Battered Men canNOT attack their abuser or use it for self-defense.
%%
"Battered Woman Syndrome" defense
 -- Female-Only Defense 04
%%
Battery: Electrochemical storage device capable of lighting an incandescent
   lamp of a wattage about equal to that of a refrigerator bulb for a
    period of 15 minutes after having been charged for 2 hours.
 -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
%%
Battle Axes: Tom A. Hawk
%%
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
%%
BATTLE, n.  A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot
that would not yield to the tongue.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Battle's magnificently stern array.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 28
%%
Battling inanimate objects is pointless.
%%
Batton down the hatches, several thousand Zulus approaching from the north.
 -- Christopher Commission report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91
%%
:baud barf: /bawd barf/ n. The garbage one gets on the monitor
   when using a modem connection with some protocol setting (esp.
   line speed) incorrect, or when someone picks up a voice extension
   on the same line, or when really bad line noise disrupts the
   connection.  Baud barf is not completely {random}, by the way;
   hackers with a lot of serial-line experience can usually tell
   whether the device at the other end is expecting a higher or lower
   speed than the terminal is set to.  *Really* experienced ones
   can identify particular speeds.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:baud: /bawd/ [simplified from its technical meaning] n. Bits per
   second.  Hence kilobaud or Kbaud, thousands of bits per second.
   The technical meaning is `level transitions per second'; this
   coincides with bps only for two-level modulation with no framing or
   stop bits.  Most hackers are aware of these nuances but blithely
   ignore them.

   Historical note: `baud' was originally a unit of telegraph signalling
   speed, set at one pulse per second.  It was proposed at the
   International Telegraph Conference of 1927, and named after J.M.E.
   Baudot (1845--1903), the French engineer who constructed the first
   successful teleprinter.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Baud, James: Famous British spy/modemer.
%%
BAUD - lady of the evening
 -- Data communications glossary
%%
baud rate -- the speed at which you can move your bod.
%%
Baumber (n.)
 A fitted elasticated bottom sheet wich turns your mattress banana-shaped.
%%
Bavarian aphorism #2: Mir san mir, host me?
%%
BAW: Bells And Whistles
%%
:baz: /baz/ n. 1. The third {metasyntactic variable} "Suppose we
   have three functions: FOO, BAR, and BAZ.  FOO calls BAR, which
   calls BAZ...." (See also {fum}) 2. interj. A term of mild
   annoyance.  In this usage the term is often drawn out for 2 or 3
   seconds, producing an effect not unlike the bleating of a sheep;
   /baaaaaaz/.  3. Occasionally appended to {foo} to produce
   `foobaz'.

   Earlier versions of this lexicon derived `baz' as a Stanford
   corruption of {bar}.  However, Pete Samson (compiler of the
   {TMRC} lexicon) reports it was already current when he joined TMRC
   in 1958.  He says "It came from "Pogo".  Albert the Alligator,
   when vexed or outraged, would shout `Bazz Fazz!' or `Rowrbazzle!'
   The club layout was said to model the (mythical) New England
   counties of Rowrfolk and Bassex (Rowrbazzle mingled with
   (Norfolk/Suffolk/Middlesex/Essex)."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
        \                      /
             \    | |      /
                \     /
        \       @#####@      ______                                      !!!
    __    __  (###   ###)-.           BBBBB  LL       AA     MM     MM   !!!
            .(###     ###) \  ---     BB  BB LL      AAAA    MMMM MMMM   !!!
       /   /  (###   ###)   )_____    BBBBB  LL     AA  AA   MM MMM MM   !!!
        / (=-  .@#####@|_--"          BB  BB LL    AAAAAAAA  MM  M  MM    _
       /  /\    \_|l|_/ (\            BBBBB  LLLLL AAA   AA  MM     MM   (!)
      /  (=-\     |l|    /  \
     /    \  \.___|l|___/    \
          /\      |_|   /
         (=-\._________/\
          \             /
           \._________/
             #  ----  #
             #   __   #
             \########/
%%
BBBB: Byte Baudy Bit and Branch
%%
BBBF: Branch on Bit Bucket Full
%%
BB: Branch on Bug
%%
BBD: Branch on Bastille Day
%%
BBI: Branch on Burned-out Indicator
%%
BBIL: Branch on Burned-out Indicator Light
%%
BBLB: Branch on Blinking Light Bulb
%%
BBL     Branch on Burned-out Lamp
%%
:bboard: /bee'bord/ [contraction of `bulletin board'] n.
   1. Any electronic bulletin board; esp. used of {BBS} systems
   running on personal micros, less frequently of a USENET
   {newsgroup} (in fact, use of this term for a newsgroup generally
   marks one either as a {newbie} fresh in from the BBS world or as
   a real old-timer predating USENET).  2. At CMU and other colleges
   with similar facilities, refers to campus-wide electronic bulletin
   boards.  3. The term `physical bboard' is sometimes used to refer
   to an old-fashioned, non-electronic cork-and-thumbtack memo board.
   At CMU, it refers to a particular one outside the CS Lounge.

   In either of senses 1 or 2, the term is usually prefixed by the
   name of the intended board (`the Moonlight Casino bboard' or
   `market bboard'); however, if the context is clear, the better-read
   bboards may be referred to by name alone, as in (at CMU) "Don't
   post for-sale ads on general".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BBS addiction is a terminal disease.
%%
BBS, American style.
%%
BBS: a method to triple your phone bill.
%%
:BBS: /B-B-S/ [abbreviation, `Bulletin Board System'] n. An electronic
   bulletin board system; that is, a message database where people can
   log in and leave broadcast messages for others grouped (typically)
   into {topic group}s.  Thousands of local BBS systems are in
   operation throughout the U.S., typically run by amateurs for fun
   out of their homes on MS-DOS boxes with a single modem line each.
   Fans of USENET and Internet or the big commercial timesharing
   bboards such as CompuServe and GEnie tend to consider local BBSes
   the low-rent district of the hacker culture, but they serve a
   valuable function by knitting together lots of hackers and users in
   the personal-micro world who would otherwise be unable to exchange
   code at all.  See also {bboard}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BBS Booboo #2:  Dorky quoting macros.
%%
BBS=Busted Broke SysOp. Now you know what it *REALLY* means!!
%%
BBS Busy - (C)all back later (T)hrow tantrum
%%
BBSers come in all typists
%%
BBS Faux Pas #2:  Dorky quoting macros.
%%
BBSing - all the social dynamics of pre-school!!
%%
BBSing and Computers
%%
BBSing, A right to information not a privilage to abuse privacy.
%%
BBSing at least keeps SOME drunks off the street.
%%
BBSing: Files, folks and fun.
%%
BBSing is a fun, relaxing hobby after a hard days work
%%
BBSing is a Maalox Moment
%%
BBSing is a terminal disease and I have the ANSI strain.
%%
BBSing ... time's blackhole.
%%
BBS-ing... Ya gotta be Nuts!
%%
BBS Lingo: INNEWATOK; Inquiring NErd WAnts TO Know
%%
BBS Lingo: NERD; National Establishment for Real Dorks
%%
BBS Lingo: NERD; Never-Ending Resplendent Discussion.
%%
BBS Lingo: SYSOP; System Operator
%%
BBS mail: a lot faster than Canada Post.
%%
BBS not Ready - Error Reading User's Mind - Start Again
%%
BBS Plus+ code 28934
%%
BBS: sound made by sysops after 3 months...
%%
BBS: Standard class zip sysops,  PREMIUM Class ARJ Sysops
%%
BBS: Tall tales of telecomputing told by insects that produce honey.
%%
BBS 'till you drop - carrier
%%
BBS Tip #45: ALT-H gives you sysop access!
%%
BBS tip:  Pressing Alt-H gives you SysOp status!
%%
BBS Trek:  The Text Generation...
%%
BBT: Branch on Binary Tree
%%
BBW: Branch Both Ways
%%
BCB: Burp and Clear Bytes
%%
BC dodging draft/BC wishing he experienced D-Day.
 -- Liberal hypocrisy
%%
BCF: Branch and Catch Fire
%%
BCF: Branch on Chip box Full
%%
BCIL: Branch Creating Infinite Loop
%%
B Cing U
%%
BCM - Backspace Core Memory
%%
BCPL -> B -> C !!! No wonder C is so cryptic!
%%
BCPL: Beats Cobol Programming Language
%%
BCPL: Before C, Programming Language
%%
BCR: Backspace Card Reader
%%
BCS: Branch and Crash System
%%
B.C.- [thinking] "Do you believe in ESP?"
Peter - [thinking] "Do you believe in ESP?"
B.C. & Peter - [aloud] "No."
%%
BCU: Be Cruel and Unusual
%%
BCU     Burn out CPU
%%
BD: Backspace Disk
%%
BD: Branch to Data
%%
BDC: Break Down and Cry
%%
BDI: Branch to Data Indirect
%%
BDM: Branch and Disconnect Memory
%%
BDT     Burn Data Tree [next opcode after decorate data tree]
%%
BDU: Branch on Dense User
%%
Be able to be alone.  Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of
thyself.
%%
Be a defensive driver. Buy a Tiger M31.
%%
Be advanced telepath.  Open communication of data from control central
to all terminal stations.  Control demands periodic reports from all
terminals.  Repeat.  Use coded frequencies.  Secure all telecasts.  Full
alert.
%%
Be a friend to the earth and it will be a friend to you.
%%
Be a good consumer; ask, complain, choose!
%%
Be a hero! Save a whale! Save a baby, go to jail!
%%
Be a Hero: Teach your Children to say NO to the Religious Reich's agenda
%%
Be a hero! Teach your children to think for THEMSELVES!
%%
BE ALERT! - What this country needs are more lerts.
%%
Be always displeased with what thou art, if you desirest to attain to
what thou art not; for where thou hast pleased thyself, there thou
abidest.  But if thou have enough thou perishest.  Always add, always
walk, always proceed. Neither stand still, nor go back, nor deviate.
 -- St. Augustine
%%
Be American, Buy American - and CHARGE IT!
%%
:beam: [from Star Trek Classic's "Beam me up, Scotty!"] vt. To
   transfer {softcopy} of a file electronically; most often in
   combining forms such as `beam me a copy' or `beam that over to
   his site'.  Compare {blast}, {snarf}, {BLT}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Beam me aboard, Scotty.  Aye, will a 2x4 do captain?
%%
Beam me out of here, Scotty; I appear to be trapped in a computer.
%%
Beam me sideways, Scotty - I'm tired of the same old jokes
%%
Beam me up, Scotty!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! But leave the others here.
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! It just ate my phaser!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! No intelligent life on this BBS!
%%
Beam Me Up Scotty, ............*S-C-O-T-T-Y*!!!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! She says she's ... pregnant!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! The conservatives have taken over!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty, the elevators don't work
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! The liberals have taken over!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty.  There's no intelligent life here.
 -- James Tiberius Kirk
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! This isn't the men's room.
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! This planet has no beer!
%%
Beam me up, Scotty! This planet sucks!
%%
Be a moving target.
 -- Raoul Lionel Felder
%%
BEAN: a living person.  "He's a right nice human bean!"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
Be and not seem.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Beans and FRANK.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Beans are the musical fruit.  The more you eat, the more you toot.
%%
Beans come from the place where beans are.
 -- Timeworn Bondei Proverb
%%
Beans for dinner last night huh?
%%
Bean shooters are prohibited in Arkansas.
%%
Be apathetic today. - I think I'll leave it till tomorrow.
%%
BEAR: an alcoholic beverage. "Yew ever taste light bear?"
 -- Texan Dictionary
%%
Bearded Clams? HAH!! I've never seen one!
%%
BEARD, n.  The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly
execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Beards more than two and a half feet long are forbidden by law
in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
%%
'Bear Hunter': Shot of Tequila chased with a Lime Gummi Bear (The green
ones)
%%
...bearing a gift beyond price; almost free.
 -- Neil Peart
%%
bearing, true: opposite of bearing, false.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Bearing with the uncultured in gentleness,
Fording the river with resolution,
Not neglecting what is distant,
Not regarding one's companions:
Thus one may manage to walk in the middle.
%%
Bearjoran takes over DS9 in Pooh D'Etat!
%%
Bears when first born are shapeless masses of white flesh a little
larger than mice, their claws alone being prominent. The mother then
licks them gradually into proper shape.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book viii, Sect. 126
%%
Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
 -- Headline
%%
Be articulate! Your new patience will not show up immediately.
%%
Beartraps are provided for the convenience of our patrons!
%%
Bear Whiz Beer: It's in the water that's why it's yellow!
%%
Bear with me until my starting transient has settled down into doing things
 properly from the notes.
%%
Be as good at receiving as you are at giving.
%%
Be as perfect as you can, for that is all you can do.
 -- Brigham Young
%%
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your
Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.
 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
Be a swinger; wear boxer shorts.
%%
Beat all your feathers as flat down as pancakes.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Roaring Girl, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Beaten with his owne rod.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ii
%%
Beat it through the lines
%%
Beat me! Whip me! A masochist is Never Satisfied.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me read my mail online.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me read my Qmail.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me return to 1200 baud!!
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me Upload files at 300 BPS.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me use Kermit.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me use Qmodem.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me use Windows.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me write bad taglines.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Make me write Tribble taglines.
%%
Beat me! Whip me! Take Away My Credit Cards!
%%
Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat...
 -- Ramones
%%
Beats as it sweeps as it cleans.
%%
Beat's me!!! I never read the documentation.
%%
Beat the system.  Unplug the computer.
%%
Beautiful as sweet,
And young as beautiful, and soft as young,
And gay as soft, and innocent as gay!
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night iii, Line 81
%%
Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is Mount Zion,
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xlviii, 2
%%
Beautiful Intelligent Talented Charismatic Horny
%%
Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal, but bow-legs are always
without parallel.
%%
Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

Beautiful Soup!  Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?
Who would not give all else for two
pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
Beautiful story.   Kinda gets you right HERE.
 -- Q
%%
Beautiful tyrant! fiend angelical!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Beautify America - Deport Congress!
%%
Bea U.T.S. Skindeep
%%
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
%%
Beauty and the Beast--Bright Lights, Big Kitty
%%
Beauty faded has no second spring.
%%
Beauty is all around for those who chose to see it.
%%
Beauty is altogether in the eye of the beholder.
 -- General Lew Wallace
%%
Beauty is an outward gift which is seldom despised, except by those to
whom it has been refused.
 -- Edward Gibbon (1734-1794)
%%
Beauty is as summer fruits, which are easy to corrupt and cannot last;
and for the most part it makes a dissolute youth, and an age a little
out of countenance; but if it light well, it makes virtue shine and vice
blush.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Beauty is everlasting
And dust is for a time.
 -- Marianne Moore
%%
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....
%%
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Should the beholder have poor
eyesight, he can ask the nearest person which girls look good.
%%
Beauty is in the hand of the beer holder.
%%
Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.
 -- Al Bernstein
%%
Beauty is just a light switch away...'click!'
%%
Beauty is not caused. It is.
 -- Emily Dickinson
%%
Beauty is one of the rare things which do not lead to doubt of God.
 -- Jean Anouilh
%%
Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or
haven't any sense.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
 -- Parker's Law
%%
Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.
 -- Charles Reade
%%
Beauty is the answer.
%%
Beauty is the first present nature gives to woman and the first it takes
away.
 -- George Brossin Mere
%%
Beauty is the first test; there is no permanent place in the world for
 ugly mathematics.
 -- G.H. Hardy
 -- A Mathematician's Apology
%%
Beauty is the promise of happiness.
 -- Stendahl
%%
Beauty is transitory.
Beauty survives.
 -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown
%%
Beauty is truth, truth beauty, --that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Ode on a Grecian Urn
%%
Beauty:  it's a sort of bloom on a woman.  If you have it you don't need
to have anything else; and it you don't have it, it doesn't much matter
what else you have.
 -- James Matthew Barrie
%%
Beauty, like supreme dominion,
Is but supported by opinion.
 -- Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac, 1741
%%
Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Beauty's but skin deep.
 -- John Davies of Hereford (c.1565-1618)
 -- A Select Second Husband for Sir Thomas Overburie's Wife (1616), st. 13
%%
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
%%
Beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,
And death's pale flag is not advanced there.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Beauty Sleep. Well, in your case, Ugly Sleep.
%%
Beauty soon grows familiar to the lover,
Fades in his eye, and palls upon the sense.
The virtuous Marcia towers above her sex.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act i, Sc. 4
%%
Beauty stands
In the admiration only of weak minds
Led captive.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Regained, Book ii, Line 220
%%
Beauty's tears are lovelier than her smile.
 -- Campbell
%%
Beauty survives.
%%
Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a
 husband.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Beauty -- the adjustment of all parts proportionately
so that one cannot add or subtract or change
without impairing the harmony of the whole.
 -- Leon Battista Alberti
%%
 Beauty times brains equals a constant.
 -- Beckhap's Law
%%
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Conduct of Life", 1860
%%
Beauty without virtue is like a flower without perfume.
%%
Beaver Cleaver has an edible complex
%%
Beaver: symbol of Canada
%%
Beavis Gump: He said box.  Uh huh huh uh huh.
%%
Beavis, you wuss, you never drank a beer!
%%
Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
 -- Dan McKinnon
%%
Be bolde, Be bolde, and everywhere, Be bold.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book iii, Canto xi, St. 54
%%
Be-bop-a-lou-la, she's my baby!
%%
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
 -- Homer
%%
BE: Branch Everywhere
%%
Be calm in arguing, for fierceness makes error a fault, and truth discourtesy.
%%
Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Be careful, and you will save many men from the sin of robbing you.
 -- Ed Howe
%%
Be Careful.....Don't practice "UNSAFE HEX".
%%
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
%%
Be careful!  Is it classified?
%%
Be careful of the words you say.
Keep them soft and sweet,
Because you never know, from day to day,
Which ones you'll have to eat.
 -- K. McCarthy
%%
Be careful or be roadkill.
 -- Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes"
%%
Be careful, or I'll include you in my plans!
%%
Be careful, or you'll fall into a category.
%%
Be careful out there.
%%
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease!
%%
Be careful, the toes you step on today may be attached to the butt
you'll have to kiss tomorrow!
%%
Be careful to never split infinitives ...
%%
Be careful what you know... you might have to teach it one day.
 -- Fido Fisher
%%
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%%
Be careful what you pretend to be - you just might become it.
%%
Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours.
 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 1961
%%
Be careful what you take with you into your old age.
%%
Be careful what you vote for. You may get it.
%%
Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.
 -- Uhura, "The Search for Spock,"  stardate 8210.3.
%%
Be careful what you wish, it might come true.
%%
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
%%
Be careful when eating bananas. Monsters might slip on the peels.
%%
Be careful when eating salmon - your fingers might become greasy.
%%
Be careful when the moon is its its last quarter.
%%
Be careful when throwing a boomerang -
you might hit the back of your head.
%%
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
 -- Derek Bok
%%
Be careful whilst playing under the anvil tree.
%%
Be careful who you step on on the way up; you never know who you'll
pass on the way down.
%%
Be careful with water - it's full of Hydrogen and Oxygen!
%%
Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Because a solo climber takes the risk of solo climbing, he doesn't see things
the way other people do.
%%
Because a star explodes and a thousand worlds like ours die, we know this
world is. That is the smile: that what might not be, is.
 -- John Fowles, The Magus
%%
Because cats read with their asses!
[picture of cat sitting on book]
%%
Because french cream won't soften them boots and french kisses will not
melt that heart of stone.
%%
Because half-a-dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring
with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle, reposed
beneath the shadow of the British oak, chew the cud and are silent,
pray do not imagine that those who make the noise are the only inhabitants
of the field; that of course they are many in number; or that, after
all, they are other than the little shrivelled, meagre, hopping, though
loud and troublesome insects of the hour.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France, Vol. iii, p. 344
%%
Because he once wrote, We must love one another or die, he can command me
to follow him.
 -- E.M. Forster
%%
Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is]
 an interesting role for an actor.
 -- Dolph Lundgren, actor
%%
Because he was human, because he had goodness,
Because he was moral they called him insane.
Delusions of grandeur, visions of splendor,
A manic depressive who walks in the rain.

Cinderella Man, doing what you can,
They can't understand what it means.
Cinderella Man, hang on to your plans.
Try as they might they cannot steal your dreams.
 -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.'
They will say, 'Women don't have what it takes.'
 -- Clare Boothe Luce
%%
Because I could not stop for Death,
 He kindly stopped for me --
 The Carriage held but just ourselves
 And Immortality.
 -- Emily Dickinson
%%
Because I do,
Because I do not hope,
Because I do not hope to survive
Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
Because I do, only do,
I continue...
 -- Thomas S. Pynchon
%%
"Because I live in the hearts and minds of everyone
who believes in TRUTH, JUSTICE and THE AMERICAN
WAY.  And that is bigger than you.  Bigger than
anyone who tries to make me in their own image."
 -- From "The Man of Rust"
%%
Because I'm the editor, that's why!
%%
Because I'm the Sysop; that's why.
%%
Because I'm the writer, that's why!
%%
"Because I said so" by Frank O. Pinion
%%
Because is a womans reason.
 -- John Lylys
%%
Because it's nicer to be with someone than it is not to be with someone.
%%
Because it's there.
%%
Because it's there!
 -- George Mowry, on why he climbed mountains
%%
Because men believe not in Providence, therefore they do so greedily
scrape and hoard. They do not believe in any reward for charity,
therefore they will part with nothing.
 -- Barrow
%%
Because, my dear Julian, pure ignorant young girls cannot save
complicated neurotic over-educated older men from disaster, however
much they kid themselves that they can.
 -- Iris Murdoch
%%
Because my name is Daffy,
 They think that I'm insane
 Please pass the ketchup,
 I think it's going to rain!

 Oh, you can't bounce a meatball,
 Try with all your might.
 Turn on the radio,
 I want to fly a kite!
 -- D. Duck ([e-mail])
%%
Because nothing else comes close.
%%
Because of one paragraph the bank took off of his property, it was
clause and effects.
%%
Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the
patient going bad on the table.
%%
Because of the greatness of the Shah, Iran is an island of stability
in the Middle East.
 -- Jimmy Carter, 31 December 1977
%%
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
 opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
 purpose.
 -- In a Zurich hotel
%%
Because Pikinu barked so, THAT'S why.
%%
  Because right is right, to follow right
Were wisdom in the scorn of consequence.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Oenone
%%
Because SOMEBODY has to do the dirty work.
%%
"Because there is something in you that I respect, and that makes me desire
to have you for my enemy."
"On those terms, sir, I will accept your enmity or any man's."
 -- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
%%
Because there is such a big difference in  times, the matches will be
 recorded and shown either before or afterwards.
%%
Because these are ancient times as a result there are not enough
wetbacks to do the work for us. So harvest the barley before you plant
it - it is easier that way.
%%
Because the wine remembers.
%%
Because This Is A Story About Sex.
%%
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
 -- Henrik Tikkanen
%%
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
%%
Be cheerful while you are alive.
 -- Phathotep (24th Century B.C.)
%%
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be
seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
 -- DeMaintenon
%%
Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one;
enemy to none.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
Become addicted to constant and never-ending self improvement.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Become a fixer, not just a fixture.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Become a programmer and never see the world!
%%
Become a programmer - crash your computer for a living!
%%
Become a student of change.  It is the only thing that will remain constant.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Become one with the universe.
%%
Become who you are.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
 -- Anonymous
%%
Be commonplace and creeping, and you will be a success.
 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais (1732-1799)
%%
Be concise in your writing and talking, especially when giving instructions
to others.
%%
Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.
%%
Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything.
 -- Aesop (620-560 B.C.)
%%
Be courteous. Have genuine consideration for other people's feelings,
wishes and situations.
%%
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well
tried before you give them your confidence.  True friendship is a
plant of slow grow, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity
before it is entitled to the appellation.
 -- George Washington
%%
Be creative  -  invent a perversion!
%%
BED
  A horizontally positioned, generally soft, piece of furniture where
  people go to sleep. Apart from this, a bed can be used for...
  reading in. Yeah, before the people sleep, they can leap under the
  covers with a couple of good books and... umm.. read. Of course,
  more disgusting type people will indulge in other activities in
  bed, such as... clipping toenails. Yeuch. But beds are mostly used
  for sleeping in. Yes. Mostly for sleep. And the occasional dream.
  Have I mentioned people can also sit on beds? And after use, beds
  can be made, which means whoever can be bothered straightens up the
  covers again, ready for the next err... sleeping session. That's
  about all there is to mention about beds, isn't it? I mean, there's
  no need to bring SMUT into this, is there? No. Just sleeping,
  that's what beds are for. Not fucking. Oh damn, damn. Look, can we
  just forget about this entry? I don't think anyone will be very
  interested anyway.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
BEDEVERE: And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE:        And what do you burn, apart from witches?
FOURTH VILLAGER: ... Wood?
BEDEVERE:        So why do witches burn?
SECOND VILLAGER: (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...?
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE: How do you know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR:   Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE: Look!  It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?
ARTHUR:   He is the keeper of the Bridge.  He asks each traveler five
          questions ...
GALAHAD:  Three questions.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE:  Oooooh!
LAUNCELOT: No Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ...  at the back of the throat.
BEDEVERE:  No!  Oooooh! in surprise and alarm!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE: Stand by for attack!!
   [CUT TO enormous army forming up.  Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege
   towers, pennants flying, shouts of Stand by for attack!  Traditional
   army build-up shots.  The shouts echo across the ranks of the army.
   We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.]
ARTHUR:   Who are they?
BEDEVERE: Oh, just some friends!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE: Wait.  Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?
ALL:      Bread?  No, no, no.  Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...
ARTHUR:   A duck.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BEDEVERE:        Why do you think she is a witch?
SECOND VILLAGER: She turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE:        A newt?
SECOND VILLAGER: (After looking at himself for some time) I got better.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%%
Be different, act normal.
%%
Be different: conform.
%%
Be different DON'T speak your mind!
%%
Bed Spreaders spread spreads on beds.
Bread Spreaders spread butter on breads.
And that Bed Spreader better
watch out how he's spreading
or that Bread Spreader's
sure going to butter his bedding.
 -- Dr Suess
%%
Beefsteaks and porter are good belly mortar.
 -- Scottish Proverb
%%
Bee Healthy - Eat your Honey!
%%
Beekeepers like to eat their honey.
%%
Beekeeping: A. P. Arry
%%
Been eating pillows, feeling down in the mouth.
%%
Be England what she will,
With all her faults she is my country still.
 -- Charles Churchill (1731-1764)
 -- The Farewell, Line 27
%%
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
%%
Been playing with his wand too much.
%%
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
%%
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
%%
Been there and did WHAT?
%%
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.
%%
Been there.  Done that.  Reincarnated.
%%
Been there, seen that, bought a t-shirt, gone home...
%%
Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Be entirely tolerant or not at all; follow the good path or the evil
one.  To stand at the crossroads requires more strength than you
possess.
 -- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)
%%
Been Transferred Lately?
%%
Been using her head as a mass driver.
%%
Beep beep? It MUST be Earth humor...
%%
Beep, Beep... nope, not Felix the cat...
%%
(beep) Help, I've fallen and can't reach the beer.
%%
Beep! Invalid Input. I take only cash....
%%
:beep: n.,v. Syn. {feep}.  This term seems to be preferred among micro
   hobbyists.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Beer always comes in multiples of six.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer always gives good head.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer always listens and never argues.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer and hockey: Two of life's best things.
%%
Beer and Ice don't mix.
%%
Beer and Rice Krispies....Snap, Crackle, and BELCH!
%%
Beer and women: Two of God's best gifts to mankind.
%%
Beer.....beer...beer.....beer....beer....beer.....beer.
%%
Beer bellies: *large* waist.
%%
BEER - Bloody Effective Emotion Re-caliber,
%%
Beer brewers do it with more hops.
%%
Beer, Budweiser, ice cold
 -- Riker.
%%
>> BEER.CAN not found, USER.EXE not loaded <<
%%
Beer cans empty! Memory Full! Zzzzzzzzzz!
%%
Beer Can wHEN tHIS...Notify SYSOP have Sales Aids...UNCH
%%
BEER.COM located... Operator loaded.
%%
Beer commercials are so patriotic: "Made the American Way." What does that
 have to do with America? Is that what America stands for? Feeling sluggish
 and urinating frequently?
 -- Scott Blakeman
%%
BEER.COM not found. [G]o to bed [R]un to store [P]ass out here.
%%
Beer does as many chores as a man.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
%%
Beer doesn't care if you balance your checkbook.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
%%
Beer doesn't complain about farting.
%%
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
%%
Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer doesn't wear a bra.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer drinkers get more head.
%%
BEER...  Drink your daily B-complex with a foamy head.
%%
Beer: God's gift to the working slob.
%%
Beer Goggles. See the world through the eyes of a drunk
%%
BeerGut: if you had equipment like mine you'd build a shelter over it.
%%
Beer Gut? Nah, I got pregnant before I had the sex change.
%%
Beergut? Nah, I just got pregnant before I started drinking.
%%
Beer has character and the American people don't.
%%
Beer Here, Get Your Ice Cold Beer Here! -- Beer Here...
%%
Beer, hockey, and men...isn't life Great!
%%
Beer! I'll drink to that!
%%
Beer is Better: Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides
%%
Beer is good!
%%
Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
%%
Beer is never late
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer, Is there nothing it can't do.
%%
Beer: It makes me a jolly old fellow.
%%
Beer! It's not just for breakfast anymore.
%%
BEER.KEG empty! OVERFLOW ERROR DETECTED! Bleeeaakkk!
%%
Beer labels come off without a fight.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer makers do it with bottles.
%%
Beer makes the world go `round (and `round, and `round).
%%
Beer math: 2 beers * 37 men = 49 cases.
 -- Murphy.
%%
Beer, Mr. Peterson? Ok, but stop me at 1... well, 1:30.
%%
Beer: Nectar of the Gods, or Urine of the Yeast?
%%
Beer never expects you to sleep in the wet spot.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
%%
"Beer!  Now there's a temporary solution."
 -- Homer in "Homer's Odyssey", from The Simpsons
%%
Beer Nuts are $1.29 but Deer Nuts are under a buck.
%%
Beer nuts: The dreaded final stage of cotton balls.
%%
Beer-O-Meter [E\........F] ... Time for a commercial.
%%
Beer Overdose : Shutting off User until bubbling stops ...
%%
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
%%
Beer stains wash out.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Beer's the answer! .... NOW!... What was the question?
%%
Beertender, bring me another bar!
%%
 "Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Beer waits in the car while you play football.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
BEERWARE: If it works right the 1st time, buy yourself a beer!
%%
BEERWARE: If you like it, buy yourself a beer.
%%
Beer was made so ugly women get some too.
%%
Beer, Wine and Women -- Isn't Life Great!
%%
Beer won't care if you can't find the carburetor.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.
%%
Beer won't drive you to drink.
%%
Beer won't expect you to cook dinner.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer won't kill sofa slugs. Neither will salty pretzels.
%%
Beer won't love its sports car more than you.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer won't mind you not being wanting a beer.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer won't tease you because you like Manilow.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Beer wouldn't waste its money on men's magazine.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Bees are very busy souls,
They have no time for birth controls,
And that is why in times like these,
There are so many Sons of Bees.
%%
Beethoven can write music, thank God -- but he can do nothing else
on earth.
 -- Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)
%%
Beethoven composed for 43 years...then he decomposed.
%%
Beethoven did it apassionately.
%%
Beethoven had a noted career.
%%
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
%%
Beethoven wrote nine symphonies.  They never wrote back.
%%
Beetle: Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine
%%
Be ever vigilant, keep your bodies clean and pure, and you will have a
strength that is heaven-sent.
 -- Gene Hansen, Miss. Committee
%%
Be everywhere, do everything, and never fail to astonish the customer.
 -- Macy's Motto
%%
Bee vomit is sweet.
%%
Be *excellent* to each other.
 -- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
%%
Be excellent to each other. Party on, dude.
 -- Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
%%
"Be fair," say the temporizers, "tell both sides of the story." But how can
you be fair to both sides of a rape? Of a murder? Of a massacre?
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they're fair with you.
 -- Alan Aldadayou.
%%
Be firm, fly low and stay cool....
 -- Duke, from Doonesbury
%%
Be flexible, some things just take time.
%%
Before a cat will condescend
 To treat you as a trusted friend,
 Some little token of esteem
 Is needed, like a dish of cream.
 -- T. S. Eliot
%%
Before advising "Be yourself!" reassess his character.
%%
Before all of us are multiple decisions. For example, there are a wide
 variety of alternatives with regard to the apportionment of the family
 income, all of which share the same common failure; they are
 unsatisfactory.
%%
Before a party or a trip, if it can, it will let rip.
%%
Before a war military science seems a real science, like
astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.
 -- Rebecca West
%%
Before backing up ... make a backup.
%%
Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking
for before you begin looking for it.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
 -- Addison H. Hallock
%%
Before buying a piece of property, walk around its perimeter.
%%
Before calling Tech Support, ask the Guru.
%%
Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.
 -- Psalms 18:12
%%
Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed.
 -- East Texas Proverb
%%
Before enlightenment, one carries water and chops wood.
After enlightenment, one carries water and chops wood.
 -- Zen Proverb
%%
Before falling in love, I was defined.  Now I am undefined, weeds are
growing in between my ribs.
 -- Joyce Carol Oates
%%
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative.
%%
Before God and the bus driver we are all equal.
%%
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955), "Cosmic Religion"
%%
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great
 delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day
 Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted
 The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb
 beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do
 something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the
 tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for
 No-Thing.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily
 because nobody understood Chinese.
 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%%
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
 Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
 subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
 sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
 treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
 blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
 Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned
 to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%%
Before honour is humility.
%%
   "Before I begin, I'd like to recite the Lawyer's Prayer:
Lord, please let there be strife and misery among your people,
Lest your servant starve..."
 -- Clonezone takes on lawyers, from "Badger"
%%
...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was manager?
One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of this affair
lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my power of meddling.
 -- Joseph Conrad
%%
Before, I cudnt spel programmer; now, I are one.
%%
Before I go out to take a picture of someone, I just stop at the city desk and
say, 'Do you want him gazing out toward the sunset or picking his nose?'
 -- Calvin Trillin
%%
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children;
now I have six children and no theories.
 -- John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
%%
Before I go to bed, I want some milk and cookies.
%%
Before I judge my neighbor, let me walk a mile in his moccassins.
 -- Sioux proverb
%%
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
%%
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped
 in it a few times.
 -- Rita Rudner
%%
Before I speak, I am master of the words; After, the word is master of
me.
 -- Ibn Gabriol
%%
Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language
for no reason at all.  But thanks to this job, I now have a reason.
%%
Before I start to speak , I'd just like to say a few words !
 -- Colin Herbert
%%
"Before I visited this planet, we aliens knew very little about earth...
 the only information we had came from television signals, and due to
 interstellar distances, we only received channel 3 at 4:30pm...

"But that's..."

"'Gilligan's Island'... I know. But it's all we had to go on.
 We theorized that Earth was a strange island society where everything
 was made out of bamboo..."
 -- Robotman
%%
Before losing a Test series 3-0 to the West indies:
 We will make them grovel.
%%
Before making a backup, first destroy the originals.
%%
Before man made us citizens, great Nature made us men.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- On the Capture of Fugitive Slaves near Washington
%%
Before marriage, a man declares he would lay down his life to serve you;
 after marriage, he won't even lay down his paper to talk to you.
 -- Helen Rowland
%%
Before mine eyes in opposition sits
Grim Death, my son and foe.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 803
%%
Before my birth, I had a name,
But soon as born I changed the same:
And when I'm laid within the tomb,
I shall my father's name assume;
I changed my name three days together,
Yet live but one in any weather.
(Today)
%%
Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is
1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the same,
don't do the test.
 -- Cochrane's Aphorism
%%
Before reaching the age of 30, you will have experienced the joy of
spraining an ankle, the wonder of unemployment, the thrill of partial
hair loss and the ecstasy of unrequited love.
%%
Before technology, things didn't work, but people sure did. Now, with
 progress and additional technology, nothing works, at least not for long.
%%
Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos.  Before
a brilliant person begins something great, they must look foolish
in the crowd.
 -- From the I Ching
%%
Before the game our dressing room was like Dunkirk before they went over
 the trenches.
%%
Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest
in the world. Now, its the second largest army in Iraq.
 -- Wall Street Journal, March 15, 1991
%%
Before the Hawke government came to power,
we were on the edge of an economic precipice.
Since then we've taken a great step forward.
%%
Before the wedding, the woman cries. After the wedding, it is the man's
 turn to cry.
%%
Before they made him, they broke the mold.
%%
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs.
%%
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%%
Before you ask more questions,
think about whether you really want to know the answers.
 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
%%
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
%%
Before you beat the dog, learn his master's name.
%%
Before you build a better mousetrap,
it helps to know if there are any mice out there.
 -- Mortimer B. Zuckerman
%%
Before you find your handsome prince, you got to kiss a lot of frogs.
 -- Murphy's laws on sex
%%
Before you have an argument with the boss, take a good look at
both sides - the boss's side and the outside.
%%
Before you have sex you have to be elected to a high government position.
 -- Zippy
%%
Before you is the entrance to the tower which rises from the center
of the courtyard. In every visible direction the courtyard extends
onward.
%%
Before you kill something make sure you have something better
to replace it with; something better than political opportunist
slamming hate horseshit in the public park.
 -- Charles Bukowski, "Notes of a Dirty Old Man", 1969
%%
Before you louse something up, THIMK!
%%
Before you marry, keep your two eyes open; after you marry, shut one.
 -- Jamaican proverb
%%
Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.
 -- Jim Beggs
%%
Before you slip into unconsciousness,
I'd like to have another kiss...
%%
Before you speak, just remember that you will not be asked to explain what
 you did not say!
%%
Before you start anything, make sure you can finish it.
%%
Before you unburden yourself of your problems, recall to mind that half the
 people to whom you tell these could not care less, but if they could, they
 would make the effort. The other half, to whom you might unburden yourself,
 are happy to hear of your misfortunes, thinking that finally, you are
 getting what you deserve.
%%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so you better
 get used to it.
%%
BEFRIEND, v.t.  To make an ingrate.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Be fruit fly and multiple.
%%
Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over
every living thing that moves upon the earth.
 -- Genesis 1:28
%%
Begathon, n.:
 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
you won't have to watch commercials.
 -- Rich Hall, Sniglets
%%
Be GAY, be PROUD, and let THEM worry about it...
%%
Be generous. Remember that it is the productivity of others that
makes possible your executive position.
%%
BEGGAR, n.  One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Beggars must be no choosers.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- Scornful Lady, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Beggars should be no choosers.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. x
%%
Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
:\begin: // [from the LaTeX command] With \end, used
   humorously in writing to indicate a context or to remark on the
   surrounded text.  For example:

     \begin{flame}
     Predicate logic is the only good programming
     language.  Anyone who would use anything else
     is an idiot.  Also, all computers should be
     tredecimal instead of binary.
     \end{flame}

   The Scribe users at CMU and elsewhere used to use @Begin/@End in
   an identical way (LaTeX was built to resemble Scribe).  On USENET,
   this construct would more frequently be rendered as `<FLAME
   ON>' and `<FLAME OFF>', or `#ifdef FLAME' and `#endif FLAME''.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
    Beginnings and endings are, for the most part, artificial constructs. You
say you begin when you are born, but what of those months spent growing in the
womb? Endings are hazier still, for further things may occur that extend and
enlarge the earlier story. And that is my final sentence on the subject. Or
perhaps this one is the final sentence. No, most assuredly what I write now is
the final word on the matter. But now that I think upon it, perhaps this--
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVII (Abridged)
%%
Begin the day with a friendly voice,
a companion unobtrusive.
Plays that song that's so elusive,
and the magic music makes your morning move.
 -- Rush, "Spirit of Radio"
%%
Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.
%%
Begin with the possible; begin with one step.
There is always a limit,
you cannot try to do too much, or you will do nothing.
 -- G. I. Gurdjieff
%%
Be good and you will be lonesome.
%%
Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!
%%
Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever;
  Do noble things, not dream them, all day long:
And so make life, death, and that vast forever
        One grand sweet song.
 -- Charles Kingsley (1819-1875)
 -- A Farewell
%%
Be good to your ENVIRONMENT -- Purge a liberal.
%%
Be good to your ENVIRONMENT -- Purge your TREE.
%%
Be good to your friends, or they may develop
psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
%%
Be happy. It is a way of being wise.
%%
Be happy while y'er leevin,
For y'er a lang time deid.
 -- Scottish motto for a house
%%
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.
 -- Scottish Proverb
%%
Be happy with the real pleasures in life.
%%
Be happy with what you got and don't worry none about what you ain't got,
 cause you can't get happy when you is worry filled. If you got it, enjoy
 it, and if you ain't got it, don't give it no worry.
%%
Behave yourself, Mr. Bond!
%%
Behave yourselves, gentlemen.
 -- Yar, "Symbiosis", stardate unknown
%%
Behavior is a mirror in which every one displays his image.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.
 -- O'Neill
%%
BEHAVIOR, n.  Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by
breeding.  The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach
Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_:

        Recordare, Jesu pie,
        Quod sum causa tuae viae.
        Ne me perdas illa die.

Pray remember, sacred Savior,
    Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your
    Death-blow.  Pardon such behavior.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Behead a Lawyer for Allah!
%%
Behead a Moderator for Allah!
%%
Beheading: The ultimate loss of face.
%%
Behind a frowning providence
  He hides a shining face.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Light shining out of Darkness
%%
Behind all the political rhetoric being hurled at us from abroad, we are
bringing home one unassailable fact -- [terrorism is] a crime by any civilized
standard, committed against innocent people, away from the scene of political
conflict, and must be dealt with as a crime. . . .
   [I]n our recognition of the nature of terrorism as a crime lies
our best hope
of dealing with it. . . .
   [L]et us use the tools that we have.  Let us invoke the cooperation we have
the right to expect around the world, and with that cooperation let us shrink
the dark and dank areas of sanctuary until these cowardly marauders are held
to answer as criminals in an open and public trial for the crimes they have
committed, and receive the punishment they so richly deserve.
 -- William H. Webster, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 15 Oct 1985
%%
Behind an able man there are always other able men.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Behind every big man .....
 is a big behind
%%
Behind every good computer - is a jumble of cables!
%%
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
 -- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
%%
Behind every great man is a great computer.
%%
Behind every great man is a great woman.
Behind every great woman is a great behind.
 -- anonymous male chauvinist
%%
  Behind every large program is a programmer struggling to get the
  small program out.
  Behind every such programmer is a manager asking how much longer
  before the programmer gets the small program out.
 -- Pemberton's Corollaries
%%
Behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
%%
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
%%
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
 -- Maryon Pearson
%%
Behind every successful man is his BUTT.
%%
Behind every successful man is me wanting a fur coat.
%%
Behind every successful man stands a surprised MIL.
%%
Behind every successful man stands a woman; correcting him.
%%
Behind every successful man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
 -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
%%
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
%%
Behind every successful person is an ass.
%%
Behind every successful woman - herself.
%%
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
 -- Oscar Levant
%%
Behind your back, your collegues are talking about Jeckyll and Hyde.
%%
Behold him setting in his western skies,
The shadows lengthening as the vapours rise.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 268
%%
Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxxxiii, 1
%%
Behold how great a matter a little fire kindleth.
 -- James 3:5
%%
Beholding heaven, and feeling hell.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Fire-Worshippers
%%
Beholding the bright countenance of truth in the quiet and still air
of delightful studies.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- The Reason of Church Government, Introduction, Book ii
%%
Behold! in Liberty's unclouded blaze
We lift our heads, a race of other days.
 -- Charles Sprague (1791-1875)
 -- Centennial Ode, Stanza 22
%%
Behold on wrong
Swift vengeance waits; and art subdues the strong!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book viii, Line 367
%%
Behold the child, by Nature's kindly law,
Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a straw;
Some livelier plaything gives his youth delight,
A little louder, but as empty quite;
Scarfs, garters, gold, amuse his riper stage,
And beads and prayer-books are the toys of age.
Pleased with this bauble still, as that before,
Till tired he sleeps, and life's poor play is o'er.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 274
%%
Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"
-- which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your
attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one
basket and -- watch that basket!"
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks
his neck out.
 -- James Bryant Conant
%%
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine
print taketh away.
%%
Behold, whiles she before the altar stands,
Hearing the holy priest that to her speakes,
And blesseth her with his two happy hands.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- Epithalamion, Line 223
%%
Be honest with yourself until the end of your life. Then listen to the slow
 movement of the Schubert Quintet and kick the bucket.
 -- Nathan Milstein
%%
Be humble, for the worst thing in the world is of the same stuff as
you; be confident, for the stars are of the same stuff as you.
 -- Nicholai Velimirovic
%%
Be humble for you are made of dung.  Be noble for you are made of
stars.
 -- Serbian proverb
%%
:beige toaster: n. A Macintosh. See {toaster}; compare
   {Macintrash}, {maggotbox}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Be incredibly nice to someone today.
%%
Be independent.
Insult a rich relative today.
%%
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Being able to say NO is the root to reclaiming your life.
%%
Being a blood donor helps, believe me. For example, Duelling in Paraguay is
 quite legal, provided that both parties are registered blood donors. As the
 ad for American Express says, membership has its privileges. One of them is
 participating in duels in Paraguay.
%%
Being about to pitch his camp in a likely place, and hearing there
was no hay to be had for the cattle, "What a life," said he, "is ours,
since we must live according to the convenience of asses!"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Philip
%%
Being a doormat gets you walked on.
%%
Being a frog isn't as bad as it seems.
Whenever anything bugs them, they eat it.
%%
Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian
%%
Being a ghost seems like the most wearying thing I can think of.
Have you ever studied Latin?
Okay, the second most wearying.
 -- Stephen Brust, _Agyar_
%%
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Being alive: Concentrating on goals, not limitations.
%%
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick
and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go,
where the very opposite applies with the judges.
 -- Beyond the Fringe
%%
Being a New Yorker is never having to say you're sorry.
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
Being a nice guy does not imply that you always finish last. Sometimes, it
 will happen that you don't even get the chance to start. However, if you do
 get that chance, start early.
%%
Being a pain in the ass is a prerogative of the creative mind.
%%
Being a parent means knowing where the plunger is at all times.
%%
Being a politician is like being a football coach: you have to be smart
 enough to understand the game, but dumb enough to think it's important.
 -- Eugene McCarthy
%%
Being asked whether it was better to marry or not, he replied, "Whichever
you do, you will repent it."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Socrates, xvi
%%
Being average is being the best of the worst, or the worst of the best.
%%
Being a viking, I eat raw software
%%
Being a well-dressed man is a career, and he who goes in for it has no time
 for anything else.
 -- Heywood Broun
%%
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
since it consists principally of dealings with men.
 -- Conrad
%%
Being baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet.
%%
Being blind, you cannot read the formula on the scroll.
%%
Being confused, you mispronounce the magic words ...
%%
Being creative is a job.
%%
Being depressed by the poor isn't much worse than being
bored by the rich
%%
Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!  <huff, huff>
%%
Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters
in life begin when you get what you want.
 -- Irving Kristol
%%
Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No
resemblance ...
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
%%
Being good in business is the most fascinating kind of art.
 -- Andy Warhol, painter and motion-picture producer
%%
"Being good through life `cause you might go to heaven is like shutting
 your eyes through a movie `cause you might get your money back."
 -- A. Whitney Brown
%%
Being human does have certain advantages -- being able to appreciate
  the beauty of a flower, of a woman.
 -- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
%%
Being in a minority, even a minority of one, does not make one insane.
 -- Winston Smith in Orwell's 1984
%%
Being in debt is one way of proving that is possible to have less than
 nothing.
%%
Being intelligent is not a felony.  But most societies evaluate it as
at least a misdemeanor.
%%
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the boy scouts
have adult supervision.
 -- Blake Clark
%%
Being left-handed is a big advantage: no one knows enough about your swing
 to mess you up with advice.
 -- Bob Charles
%%
Being natural is simply a pose.
%%
Being nimble and light-footed, his father encouraged him to run in
the Olympic race. "Yes," said he, "if there were any kings there to
run with me."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Alexander
%%
Being normal is driving me crazy.
%%
Being normal isn't one of my strengths.
%%
Being old sucks!
%%
Being one man too many, Ensign Extra is booted off the Enterprise.
%%
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
 -- Karl Wallenda
%%
Being politically correct means always having to say you're  sorry.
 -- Roger Spaulding
%%
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
%%
Being powerful is like being a lady.
If you have to tell people you are, you aren't!
 -- Margaret Thatcher.
%%
Being prepared brings good fortune.
If there are secret designs, it is disquieting.
%%
Being psychotic is all it's cracked up to be.
%%
 Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits.  Keep
 your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the
 time that you called.
 -- Answering machine madness - you're in big trouble
%%
Being rich isn't a sin. It's a %$#!@)^ miracle!
%%
Being rich means that you don't have to wait for the paperback.
%%
Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.
%%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%%
Being seven points behind gives you a definite psychological advantage.
%%
Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it
%%
Being source-challenged is no problem.  It's when you're
documentation-challenged that difficulties arise.
 -- Henry Spencer
%%
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
gin.
 -- Ralph Nader
%%
Being summoned by the Athenians out of Sicily to plead for his life,
Alcibiades absconded, saying that that criminal was a fool who studied
a defence when he might fly for it.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Alcibiades
%%
Being too drunk to fish is like being too fat to bowl - impossible.
%%
    Being trapped in the Netherhells is not the most fearsome thing that can
happen to you. It is, in fact, probably no worse than being trapped in a cave
for a weekend with all your spouse's relatives, and, in most cases, will not
lead to total drooling gibbering madness, as is the popular misconception. If,
on the other hand, you find yourself trapped in the Netherhells for a weekend
with all your spouse's relatives, well, sometimes drooling and gibbering can
be fun.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXIII
%%
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
%%
Being weird isn't enough
%%
Being young is...I don't remember anymore!
%%
Be innocent of the knowledge, dearest chuck,
Till thou applaud the deed.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
 -- John Howard Payne
%%
Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.
 -- Don Herold
%%
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
 -- Philo
%%
Be kind to animals.  Take a bitch to dinner.
%%
Be kind to animals.....Take your Boss to lunch......
%%
Be kind to dumb animals, and give small birds root beer.
%%
Be kind to my remains; and oh defend,
Against your judgment, your departed friend!
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Epistle to Congreve, Line 72
%%
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
%%
Be kind to your mother-in-law. Babysitters are expensive.
%%
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Bela Lugosi's dead.  How about you?
%%
Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.
 -- Marie Curie
 (standard advice to reporters seeking interviews)

 The plain truth is that the reporter's trade is for young men. Your feet,
 which do the legwork, are nine times more important than your head, which
 fits the facts into a coherent pattern.
 -- Joseph W. Alsop, Jr.
%%
Belief gets in the way of learning.
 -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love
%%
Belief in God? An afterlife? I believe in rock: this apodictic rock beneath my
feet.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Belief in progress is a doctrine of idlers and Belgians.
 -- Baudelaire
%%
Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
 -- Goethe
%%
Belief is the death of intelligence.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
BELIEF:
Something you do not believe.
%%
Belief? What do I believe in? I believe in sun. In rock. In the dogma of the
sun and the doctrine of the rock. I believe in blood, fire, woman, rivers,
eagles, storm, drums, flutes, banjos, and broom-tailed horses....
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Believe 1% of what you see, and none of what you hear.
%%
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
%%
Believe in yourself ... reach for things that no one else thought you
    could. Be the best person that you can be. Don't be limited by someone
    else's standards.
 -- Gordon Wong
%%
Believe it or not. I always considered myself a moderate.
What changed your mind?
Being stationed here for six months. Watching the body count grow. The
  three assassination attempts on my life.
Well, that'll change your point of view.
 -- Alexana Devos and Riker, "The High Ground", stardate 43510.7
%%
Believe me, a thousand friends suffice thee not;
In a single enemy thou hast more than enough.
 -- Ali Ben Abi Taleb
%%
Believe me... It's a hardware problem or a Virus
%%
Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome [than a sense of
  purpose], even among humans.
 -- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
%%
Believe me!  The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the
greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
Believe nothing, dare all.
%%
Believe nothing merely because you have been told it... Do not believe
what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.  But
whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind,
conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings -- that
doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.
 -- Buddha
%%
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it--even if I
 have said it--unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common
 sense.
 -- The Buddha
%%
Believe not much them that seem to despise riches; for they despise them
that despair of them; and none are worse when they come to them.  Be not
penny-wise; riches have wings, and sometimes they fly away of
themselves, sometimes they must be set flying to bring in more.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
 -- Andre Gide
%%
Believe you're dumber than you are: you'll win.
%%
Believing is seeing.
 -- Disimoni's Rule of Cognition
%%
Be like a duck: Keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle
like the devil under water.
%%
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
Be like Elton John - Get behind the boys at Watford every week.
%%
Be like Pooh...eat your hunny.
%%
BELLADONNA, n.  In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly
poison.  A striking example of the essential identity of the two
tongues.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bell, Book and candle.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. iv
%%
Bell, book and candle shall not drive me back.
 -- William Shakespeare, King John
%%
Bell Labs programmers do it with UNIX.
%%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%%
BELL RATES: pay an arm & leg to use an ear & mouth
%%
Bell-ringers pull it themselves.
%%
:bells and whistles: [by analogy with the toyboxes on theater
   organs] n. Features added to a program or system to make it more
   {flavorful} from a hacker's point of view, without necessarily
   adding to its utility for its primary function.  Distinguished from
   {chrome}, which is intended to attract users.  "Now that we've
   got the basic program working, let's go back and add some bells and
   whistles."  No one seems to know what distinguishes a bell from a
   whistle.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bells, whistles, and gongs: n. A standard elaborated form of
   {bells and whistles}; typically said with a pronounced and ironic
   accent on the `gongs'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Belly Dancers:   People who use sign language and stutter...
%%
Belly laugh: Mirthquake.
%%
BELLYOLOGY: The study of Beer bellies
%%
Below Average Pilot:  Unequal number of takeoffs and landings...
%%
Be lowly wise:
Think only what concerns thee and thy being.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 173
%%
Below the thunders of the upper deep,
 Far, far beneath in the abysmal sea,
 His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep
 The Kraken sleepeth: faintest sunlights flee
 About his shadowy sides...
 -- Tennyson "The Kraken"
%%
Belsen was a gas
 -- Mr. J. Rotten
%%
Beltane: It's not a holiday, it's a state of mind.
%%
Be mischievous and creative, if they fit you.
%%
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
%%
Be more sympathetic.
%%
Be my brother or I'll kill you.
%%
Ben, as your attorney, your friend, and your brother, I strongly suggest you
get a better lawyer.
 -- Jerry Horne, _Twin Peaks_
%%
:benchmark: [techspeak] n. An inaccurate measure of computer
   performance.  "In the computer industry, there are three kinds of
   lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks."  Well-known ones include
   Whetstone, Dhrystone, Rhealstone (see {h}), the Gabriel LISP
   benchmarks (see {gabriel}), the SPECmark suite, and LINPACK.  See
   also {machoflops}, {MIPS}, {smoke and mirrors}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bend a carrot if you will, but a turnip will never bend.
%%
Bend over, America, Clinton's in charge!
%%
Bend over and take it like a man!
%%
Bend over hard and SWEAR!
%%
Bend over.  I'll drive.
%%
Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
%%
Beneath the milk-white thorn that scents the evening gale.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Cotter's Saturday Night
%%
Beneath the rule of men entirely great,
The pen is mightier than the sword.
 -- Edward Bulwer Lytton (1805-1873)
 -- Richelieu, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%%
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.
%%
Benedick the married man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
BENEDICTINES, n.  An order of monks otherwise known as black friars.

    She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be
        A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.
    "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she --
        "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next."
                                   "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
BENEFACTOR, n.  One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without,
however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the
means of all.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Be neither a conformist or a rebel, for they are really the same thing.
Find your own path, and stay on it."
 -- Paul Vixie, <[e-mail]>
%%
Be neither too early in the fashion, nor too long out of it; nor
at any time in the extremities of it.
 -- Lavater
%%
Ben Franklin may have found electricity, but the guy who invented the meter
 is the guy who came off with the real gold out of this whole process.
%%
Ben Franklin wasn't the ONLY one lightning got.
%%
Be nice and post the occasional ferret tagline.
%%
Be nice or be nuked.
%%
Be nice to me--I'm out of Valium.
%%
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on the way down.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
Be nice to smokers. They don't have long to live.
%%
Be nice to someone.
%%
Be Nice to Your Enemies, It Drives Them Nuts.
%%
Be nice to your friends; if it weren't for them, you would be a total stranger.
%%
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
%%
Benign ... What you are after you be eight.
%%
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
%%
Benjamin, will you *please* stop calling me 'Old Man?'
%%
Benji! Don't run out in the street! $#!@& - NO TERRIER
%%
Ben Kenobi at the dinnertable: Use the FORKS, Luke!
%%
Ben:    Leland's daughter was murdered and the Norwegians left.
Jerry:  Did they sign?
Ben:    No.
Jerry:  We had those vikings by the HORNS!  What HAPPENED?
Ben:    We're not exactly sure; they took the translator with them.
Jerry:  Sigh.  Did you say Leland's daughter was murdered?
Ben:    Yes.
Jerry:  I'm depressed.
 -- Ben & Jerry Horne, _Twin Peaks_
%%
Ben Lexcen only went to school for three years,
so he never learnt that some things are impossible.
%%
Benny Hill:  The master of the single entendre.
%%
Be noble! and the nobleness that lies
In other men, sleeping but never dead,
Will rise in majesty to meet thine own.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Sonnet iv
%%
Be not a baker if your head be of butter.
 -- Timeless English Proverb
%%
Be not a cock-o-the-walk.
%%
Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. When you
 are not growing, you are dying. Growth is the only real sign of life.
%%
Be not afraid of life.  Believe that life is worth living, and your
belief will help create the fact.
 -- William James
%%
Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you
cannot make yourself as you wish to be.
 -- Thomas A. Kempis
%%
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
 -- Pope St. Gregory I
%%
Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
 -- Confucian Proverb
%%
Be not ashamed to say what you are not ashamed to think.
%%
Be not a slave of words.
%%
Be not as one that hath ten thousand years to live; death is nigh
at hand: while thou livest, while thou hast time, be good.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 17
%%
Be not astonished at new ideas; for it is well known to you that a
thing does not therefore cease to be true because it is not accepted
by many.
 -- Spinoza
%%
Be not careless in deeds, nor confused in words, nor rambling in thought.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, viii, 51
%%
Be not diverted from your duty by any idle reflections the silly
world may make upon you, for their censures are not in your power,
and consequently should not be any part of your concern.
 -- Epictetus
%%
Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained
angels unawares.
 -- New Testament
 -- Hebrews xiii, 2
%%
Be not hurried away by excitement, but say, "Semblance, wait for me
a little. Let me see what you are and what you represent. Let me try
you."
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- How the Semblances of Things are to be combated,
 -- Discourses, Book ii, Chap. xviii
%%
Be not ignorant of anything in a great matter or a small.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus v, 15
%%
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans xii, 21
%%
Be not righteous overmuch.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes vii, 16
%%
Be not unwilling in what thou doest, neither selfish nor unadvised
nor obstinate; let not over-refinement deck out thy thought; be not
wordy nor a busybody.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iii, 5
%%
Be not wise in your own conceits.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans xii, 16
%%
Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
 -- Time Bandits
%%
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
 -- Luke Skywalker
%%
Be obscure clearly.
 -- E.B. White
%%
Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xiv, 27
%%
"Be of good cheer," said Diogenes; "I see land."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, vi
%%
Be of good cheer: We'll live to piss on the graves of our enemies.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
 It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all
 likelihood still is.
%%
Be on your guard against a silent dog and still water.
 -- Latin proverb
%%
Be open to other people--they may enrich your dream.
%%
Be part of the solution not part of the pollution.
%%
Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.
 -- Ovid
%%
Be patient with those who are slower than you, for they make you look better.
%%
Be pleasant no matter how much it hurts.
 -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius," stardate 4372.5.
%%
Be pleasant until ten o'clock in the morning and the rest of the day
will take care of itself.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Be prepared, be sharp, be careful, and use the King's English well. And you
 can forget all the [other rules] unless you remember one more: get paid.
 -- Robert N. C. Nix
%%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
%%
Be prepared to go mad with fixed rule and method.
 -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Bequeath your wheels to some destitute vehicle.
%%
Be quick, but never hurry.
 -- John Wooden
%%
Be quiet!
%%
Be quiet! Or disappear back where you came from.
I can't disappear...any more than you could win a beauty contest.
 -- Worf and Q, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
Be realistic! Demand the impossible!
%%
Be reasonable. Do it my way.
%%
Bereavement leave is limited to 3 days immediately following the death
of the family member and must be scheduled in advance.
 -- from an employee handbook of a Pittsburgh (Oakland area) hospital.
%%
Bereft: missing the last plane to Japan.
%%
Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original
 in your work.
 -- Gustave Flaubert
%%
Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original
in your work.
 -- Clive Barker, 'Jihad'
%%
Berenger: If we were married we could do this together all the time.
    Hurt: If we were married, I'd be doing this alone.
 -- Tom Berenger and Mary Beth Hurt, The Big Chill  (Going shopping)
%%
BERENICE'S HAIR, n.  A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor
of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

    Her locks an ancient lady gave
    Her loving husband's life to save;
    And men -- they honored so the dame --
    Upon some stars bestowed her name.

    But to our modern married fair,
    Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
    No stellar recognition's given.
    There are not stars enough in heaven.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Be right & fear no man.  Don't write & fear no woman.
%%
:Berkeley Quality Software: adj. (often abbreviated `BQS') Term used
   in a pejorative sense to refer to software that was apparently
   created by rather spaced-out hackers late at night to solve some
   unique problem.  It usually has nonexistent, incomplete, or
   incorrect documentation, has been tested on at least two examples,
   and core dumps when anyone else attempts to use it.  This term was
   frequently applied to early versions of the `dbx(1)' debugger.
   See also {Berzerkeley}.

   Note to British and Commonwealth readers: that's /berk'lee/, not
   /bark'lee/ as in British Received Pronunciation.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:berklix: /berk'liks/ n.,adj. [contraction of `Berkeley UNIX'] See
   {BSD}.  Not used at Berkeley itself.  May be more common among
   {suit}s attempting to sound like cognoscenti than among hackers,
   who usually just say `BSD'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bernard of Chartres used to say that we are like dwarfs on the
shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a
greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness on sight on our part,
or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised
up by their giant size.
 -- Bernard of Chartres (d. c.1130)
 -- John of Salisbury Metalogicon (1159) bk. 3, ch. 4
%%
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in
the world, and none of his friends like him either.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Berney - Jurassic Park clones Barney, feeds him gefilte fish.
%%
Be rooted like a boulder but flow like a river!
%%
Berserkers do it without thinking
%%
Bert? Are you awake Bert?
 -- Ernie
%%
Berth:  Any horizontal surface whose total area does not exceed one half of
   the surface area of an average person at rest, onto which at least one
        liter of some liquid seeps during any 12-hour period, and above which
 there are not less than 10 kilograms of improperly secured objects.
 -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
%%
Be ruled by time, the wisest counsellor of all.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Pericles
%%
:Berzerkeley: /b*r-zer'klee/ [from `berserk', via the name of a
   now-deceased record label] n. Humorous distortion of `Berkeley'
   used esp. to refer to the practices or products of the
   {BSD} UNIX hackers.  See {software bloat}, {Missed'em-five},
   {Berkeley Quality Software}.

   Mainstream use of this term in reference to the cultural and
   political peculiarities of UC Berkeley as a whole has been reported
   from as far back as the 1960s.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Be safe. Use a condom.
%%
Be safe, use smoke detectors OR Sleep with a Fireman!
%%
Be security conscious -- because 80 percent of people are caused by
accident.
%%
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
%%
Be seeing you.
%%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured. Unless you're incompetent.
%%
Besides a mathematical inclination, an exceptionally good mastery of
ones native tongue is the most vital asset of a competent programmer.
 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%%
Besides, it is clearly a bunny rabbit
 -- Data
%%
"Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be.  I
 have some weird degenerate gum disease.  It turns
 out even the Undead have to floss."
 -- Dracula discusses problems of the modern vampire in "Dinosaurs For Hire"
%%
Besides, resistance would be useless.
 -- Ivo's wife, State of Decay
%%
Besides, they always smell of bread and butter.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Beppo, Stanza 39
%%
Besides, this Duncan
Hath borne his faculties so meek, hath been
So clear in his great office, that his virtues
Will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued, against
The deep damnation of his taking-off;
And pity, like a naked new-born babe,
Striding the blast, or heaven's cherubim, horsed
Upon the sightless couriers of the air,
Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself,
And falls on the other.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 7
%%
Beside the skeleton is a rusty knife.
%%
Beside the Temple, to which room is it possible to go from the Altar?
%%
Be slow of tongue and quick of eye.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
Be smart as a cat: Make a friend of your enemy's enemy.
%%
Be smart, but never show it.
 -- L. B. Mayer (to his daughter Edith)
%%
Be sober and temperate, and you will be happy.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary, the Devil, as a roaring
lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Peter v, 8
%%
Be sociable.
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%%
Be somebody. Know that a bunch of guys will do anything you tell 'em. Have
 your own way or nothin'.
 -- Edward G. Robinson (in Little Caesar,
 -- screenplay by Francis Edwards Faragoh)
%%
Be somewhat scanter of your maiden presence.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Be spontaneous!
%%
Be spontaneous ... combust.
%%
Be spontaneous, every now and then.
%%
Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
%%
Bester "That's a lie." Jeff "Yes it is. What's your point?"
%%
Best file compressor around: DEL *.* (100% compression!)
%%
Be stiff!
%%
BEST non sequitur FOR 1988:
  "Let's cut through the demagoguery.  America is #1."
 -- George Bush
%%
Best of all he liked to sleep. Sleeping was a very important activity for
him. He liked to sleep for longish periods, great swathes of time. Merely
sleeping overnight was not taking the business seriously. He enjoyed a good
night's sleep and wouldn't miss one for the world, but found it as anything
halfway near enough. He liked to be asleep by half-past eleven in the
morning if possible, and if that should come directly after a nice
leisurely lie-in then so much the better. A little light breakfast and a
quick trip to the bathroom while fresh linen was applied to his bed is
really all the activity he liked to undertake, and he took care that it
didn't janate the sleepiness out of him and disturb his afternoon of
napping. Sometimes he was able to spend an entire week asleep, and this he
regarded as a good snooze. He had also slept through the whole of 1986 and
hadn't missed it.
 -- Douglas Adams, The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
%%
Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
%%
Be strange... it's cool out there.
%%
Best to avoid nightmare; Never argue with your spouse.
%%
Best to leave town until this blows over.
%%
Best trust the happy moments... the days that make us happy make us wise.
 -- John Masefield
%%
Best way to a man's heart...crack the 3rd and 4th rib...
%%
Best way to be useful - stay out of the way!
%%
Best way to defeat the the Borg:  Give them Windows 3.1.
%%
Best you take my advice...before the cat eats it.
%%
Be sudden.  Be neat.  Be unimpassioned.  If you are serious about something,
leave it out.
%%
Be sure each item is properly endorsed.
%%
Be sure not to start a tagline you can't finis
%%
Be sure of it; give me the ocular proof.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Be sure that God
Ne'er dooms to waste the strength he deigns impart.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Paracelsus, Part i
%%
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
%%
Be sure to obtain meteorological information before leaving on vacation.
%%
Be sure to pay your taxes.
%%
Be sure to practice safe hex... Use an Eraser
%%
Be sure to save your money--you never know when it
might be worth something.
%%
Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality.
%%
Be sure you are right, then go ahead.
 -- The motto of David Crockett in the war of 1812
%%
Be sure your ladder of success is leaning against the right wall.
 -- Dobson
%%
Be suspicious of all native-born Esperanto speakers.
%%
Be suspicious of all non-native-born Esperanto speakers.
%%
Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly --
it's probably because two errors are canceling
each other out.
 -- Dave Bartley
%%
Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
 -- New Testament
 -- James i, 19
%%
Beta bashing - a way of life for demented people.
%%
Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity.
%%
Beta Testers are crazy, Alpha Testers are totally insane.
%%
Beta testers do it first!
%%
Beta-testers do it for free.
%%
BETA TESTERS do it looking for mistakes
%%
BETA TESTERS WHO LIE! On the next Geraldo...
%%
BETA testing is hazardous to your health.
%%
Beta version - too buggy to be released.
%%
Betazoid modem: it downloads the files it senses you want.
%%
Betcha Bo don't know SALT!
%%
Betelgeuse!  Betelgeuse!  Betelgeuse!
%%
Be tenacious.
%%
Be thankful...  I could be your neighbor.
%%
Be thankful that you don't live in Upland.
%%
Be the ball, man.  Be the ball.
%%
Be the day never so long,
Evermore at last they ring to evensong.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. vii
%%
Be the first to go unless you think.
%%
Be there.   Aloha.
 -- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_
%%
Be thine enemy an ant, see in him an elephant.
 -- Turkish Proverb
%%
Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny.
Get thee to a nunnery, go.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Be thou faithful unto death.
 -- New Testament
 -- Revelation ii, 10
%%
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Be thou the rainbow to the storms of life,
The evening beam that smiles the clouds away,
And tints to-morrow with prophetic ray!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Bride of Abydos, Canto ii, Stanza 20
%%
Bet my floppy's bigger than yours.
%%
Be to her virtues very kind;
Be to her faults a little blind.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- An English Padlock
%%
Be tolerant of those who disagree with you, after all, they have
a right to their ridiculous opinions.
%%
Be touchable and kissable.
 -- Marabel Morgan
%%
Be true to your work, your word, and your friend.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
Bets at the first were fool-traps where the wise Like spiders lay
in ambush for the flies.
 -- Dryden
%%
Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
 -- Confucius, Analects
%%
Better a Quest Perilous than a Pest Querulous.
%%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
%%
Better ask twice than go wrong once.
 -- German Proverb
%%
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
%%
Better attitudes through chemistry.
%%
Better be alone than in bad company.
%%
Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo.
 -- Emerson
%%
Better be ignorant of a matter than half know it.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 865
%%
Better bend than break.
 -- Scottish Proverb
%%
Better be with the dead,
Whom we, to gain our peace, have sent to peace,
Than on the torture of the mind to lie
In restless ecstasy. Duncan is in his grave;
After life's fitful fever he sleeps well:
Treason has done his worst; nor steel, nor poison,
Malice domestic, foreign levy, nothing,
Can touch him further.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Better Bullshipping thru Science!
%%
Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember
and be sad.
 -- Christina Georgina Rossetti
%%
Better clean death than dirty life.
 -- Frank Herbert
%%
Better contraceptives will control population only if people will use them.
A nuclear holocaust can be prevented only if the conditions under which
nations make war can be changed. The environment will continue to
deteriorate until pollution practices are abandoned. We need to make vast
changes in human behavior.
 -- B. F. Skinner, Beyond Freedom and Dignity
%%
Better fifty years of Europe than a cycle of Cathay.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Locksley Hall, Line 184
%%
Better gay than grumpy!
%%
Better get a bigger gun, cuz I'm not dead yet....
%%
"Better Get Moving" by Sheik Alegg
%%
Better go home and hit your kids. They are just little monsters!
%%
Better go home and play with your kids. They are just little monsters!
%%
Better go home and work on that application for transfer.
%%
Better have failed in the high aim, as I,
Than vulgarly in the low aim succeed,--
As, God be thanked! I do not.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- The Inn Album, iv
%%
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
around while you have your life in such a mess.
%%
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
%%
Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred
therewith.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xv, 17
%%
Better is halfe a lofe than no bread.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest
vow and not pay.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes v, 5
%%
Better is the enemy of good.
%%
Better is to bow then breake.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ix
%%
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Better late than never.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. x
%%
Better late than never.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Matthew xxi
%%
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
 -- The single girl's motto.
%%
Better late than never.
 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
%%
Better leave the dungeon, otherwise you might get hurt badly.
%%
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
%%
Better living through alchemy.
%%
Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone.
 -- Baltasar Gracian
%%
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
%%
Better murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire
 -- William Blake
%%
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
 when you're coming home his face might burn up.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Better one byrde in hand than ten in the wood.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches.
 -- Otto Von Bismarck (1815-1898)
%%
Better Red than dead.
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Better stop short than fill to the brim.
%%
Better stop short than fill to the brim.
   Oversharpen the blade, and the edge will soon blunt.  Amass a store
  of gold and jade, and no one can protect it.  Claim wealth and
  titles, and disaster will follow.  Retire when the work is done.
  This is the way of heaven.
 -- Tao Te Ching
%%
Better taglines through confiscation.
%%
Better than the Other Leading National Brand...
%%
Better the devil you know than none at all.
%%
Better the prince of some inferior court,
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
 -- Lucifer [Joost van den Vondel's Lucifer]
%%
Better to be despised for too anxious apprehensions, than ruined
by too confident a security.
 -- Edmund Burke
%%
Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of children.
 -- Richard Henry Dana
%%
Better to be ill spoken of by one before all than by all before one.
 -- Scottish proverb
%%
Better to break your word than do worse in keeping it.
 -- Thomas Fuller
%%
Better to die a thousand deaths than wound my honor.
 -- Addison
%%
Better to give then to take.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. v
%%
Better to have bread and an onion with peace than stuffed fowl with strife.
 -- Arab proverb
%%
Better to have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
%%
Better to hunt in fields for health unbought
Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught.
The wise for cure on exercise depend;
God never made his work for man to mend.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Epistle to John Dryden of Chesterton, Line 92
%%
Better to kill time than have it kill you.
 -- Karl
%%
Better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a lamb.
%%
Better to live with the occasional vagaries of digital pseudonyms than to
ban them.
 -- T.C.May, cofounder, Cypherpunks
%%
Better to love amiss than nothing to have loved.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- Tale xiv, The Struggles of Conscience
%%
Better to marry a man who loves you than one you love.
%%
Better to send ten ambulances when they are not needed than one when it is.
%%
Better to sink beneath the shock
Than moulder piecemeal on the rock.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Giaour, Line 969
%%
Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
%%
Better to throw it out-than throw it in.
 -- Skinny Mitchell
%%
Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.
%%
Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot.
%%
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the
 public and have no self.
 -- Cyril Connolly
%%
Better trust all, and be deceived,
  And weep that trust and that deceiving,
Than doubt one heart, that if believed
  Had blessed one's life with true believing.
 -- Frances Anne Kemble (1811-)
 -- Faith
%%
Better use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 866
%%
Better watch where you're stepping, when in this conference.
%%
BETTER WEIRD THAN DEAD!
 -- Eerie Indiana
%%
Betty Crocker was a flour child.
%%
"Betty, If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a
 human being, you'd be a game-show host."
 -- Veronica, "Heathers"
%%
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.

It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.

It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
%%
Between amoebas and mankind
There seems to be a mighty chasm
But if you study both, you'll find
Your body, and perhaps, your mind
Is largely of this very kind
Of animated protoplasm.
 -- Gerald Lynton Kaufman
%%
Between cheap and expen$ive is the truth.
%%
Between grand theft and a legal fee,
there only stands a law degree.
%%
Between lost baggage and canceled flights, and connections made on the run,
 one wonders how they arrived at the phrase "getting there is half the fun."
%%
Between stimulus and response lies the free will to choose.
%%
Between the acting of a dreadful thing
And the first motion, all the interim is
Like a phantasma, or a hideous dream:
The Genius and the mortal instruments
Are then in council; and the state of man,
Like to a little kingdom, suffers then
The nature of an insurrection.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey
 wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup.   That's lost.
 -- Ivan Chtcheglov
%%
Between the two of us, President Clinton and I have put to rest any myths
 about the intelligence of Rhodes scholars.
 -- Kris Kristofferson
%%
Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting.
%%
Between those who use their neighbors, and those who use a cane.
Between those in constant power, and those in constant pain.
Between those who run to evil, and those who cannot run.
Tell me which ones are the cripples, and which ones touch the sun.
 -- Ceili's Muse "What you do with what you've got"
%%
Between two evils, choose neither.  Between two goods, choose both.
 -- Tyron Edwards
%%
Between two hawks, which flies the higher pitch;
Between two dogs, which hath the deeper mouth;
Between two blades, which bears the better temper;
Between two horses, which doth bear him best;
Between two girls, which hath the merriest eye,--
I have perhaps some shallow spirit of judgment;
But in these nice sharp quillets of the law,
Good faith, I am no wiser than a daw.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Between your head and your heart, your head has got to win.
%%
Bet you can't stop reading here <---                     I knew it...
%%
Bet you wonder how I knew about your plan to make me blue
with some other guy that you knew before.  Between both guys
you know I love you more.  It took me by surprise, I must say,
when I found out yesterday.  Don't you know I heard it through
the grapevine. How much longer would you be mine?  I heard it
through the grapevine.  Now I'm just about to lose my mind.
 -- Marvin Gaye
%%
Be vague... be very vague.
%%
Be valyaunt, but not too venturous. Let thy attyre bee comely, but not costly.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), page 39
%%
Be vary quite, I'm huntin' wabbits
%%
Beveramirage:  the dark ring on the bottom of the soft drink bottle.
%%
Beverly: "And once you've taught her, then you'll go away?"
Q: "And leave her here?  Of course not! She'll come back to the Qontinuum where
she belongs."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "As long as these Borg implants are functioning, there's no way I can
  separate the man from the machine."
Data: "Then perhaps, there is a way I can access the machine, Doctor."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Beverly: "At least I have an idea of what I'm doing here."
Kristin: "But, what about me?  I mean I'm a patient in a bathing suit.  That
  doesn't say much."
Beverly: "No it doesn't."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Beverly can turn Data off but only Tasha can turn him on.
%%
Beverly: "Captain, I'd like to announce the birth of a large baby...
  *something*."
 -- "Galaxy's Child", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "Captain, Mister Tarmin gave us a demonstration of his abilities this
afternoon. It's fascinating. Perhaps you would like to resurrect some
memories?"
Tarmin: "I'd be happy to probe your recollections, Captain. Most people find it
an enjoyable experience."
Picard: "I'm sure. However, I don't think I would make a particularly good
subject."
Beverly: "I'm sure you'd be ideal. And, you must have some *intriguing*
memories."
 -- "Violations", Stardate 45429.3
%%
Beverly: "Captain, the first thing you need to get is some rest.  Now this has
  been a shock to your system and I want you to not push yourself."
LaForge: "We're pretty busy down there anyway, Captain Scott.  I promise I'd be
  happy to give you a tour just as soon as the doctor says it's okay."
Beverly: "I'll find someone to show you your quarters."
Scott: "Aye..."
 -- "Relics", Stardate Unknown
%%
Beverly: "Don't worry, Jean-Luc, it's the butler, only two lines!"
 -- "A Fistful Of Datas", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "Do you remember anything more about yourself?"
MacDuff: "No, I'm sorry, Doctor."
Beverly: "Back to square one."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Beverly: "Her transcript is *very* impressive.  She's done honors work in
  neurobiology, plasmadynamics, and nicoregeneration.  I'd say that's pretty
  well-rounded."
Rogers: "Well that's a nice way of saying that I haven't decided what I'm going
  to do with my life."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "I couldn't even *guess* at your I.Q. level now."
Barclay: "Probably somewhere between twelve-hundred and fourteen-fifty."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Beverly: "I don't want to be known as the 'Dancing Doctor'...again."
 -- "Data's Day", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "If he was mortal, he'd be dead."
Q: "Well, let's not overstate the matter here, Doctor.  I'm mortal and I
  survived."
[Silence]
Q: "Your cheers are overwhelming."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Beverly: "If I remember correctly, the last time you graced my Sickbay,
you were
diving off the Cliffs of Heaven on Sumico IV, Holodeck Program Forty-Seven C."
Kristin: "Same thing, only that time I flattened out when I should've tucked."
Beverly: "Well, as your doctor, I would like to recommend the Emerald Wading
Pool on Sirus IV. A lot safer."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Beverly: "If there's nothing wrong with *me*...there must be something wrong
  with the universe."
 -- "Remember Me", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "I heard you know how to turn him on."
Wesley: "This is serious, Wes!"
 -- "Datalore", Stardate 41242.4
%%
Beverly: "I hear you've been accepted to the Academy.  I have a son there."
Rogers: "Oh.  Being posted on the Enterprise, I guess you don't get to see him
  very often."
Beverly: "No, not as much as I'd like."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly is in a sweater - 2 drinks!
%%
Beverly is in something slinky and in Picard's quarters - 4 drinks!
%%
Beverly, it is our obligation to escape.
"He's prepared to kill you."
An excellent reason to escape.
 -- Picard and Crusher, "The High Ground", stardate 43510.7
%%
Beverly: "I've arranged to have you work in all the major departments while
you're here.  And I'm willing to bet that by the time it's over, you'll have a
pretty idea what field you're interested in."
Picard: "Or, at least what field you're *not* interested in."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "Jean-Luc, it's Beverly.  Can you hear me?"
Locutus: "Beverly...Crusher, Doctor."
Beverly: "Yes."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Beverly: "Lieutenant, you could very well be the most advanced human being who
  has ever lived."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Beverly: "Medical Log, Stardate 45431.7.  Commander Riker is the second officer
  who has fallen into an unexplained coma.  I have examined the Ullians and
  ruled out the possibility that they carry a harmful organism."
 -- "Violations", Stardate 45431.7
%%
Beverly: "O'Brien, Geordi, Worf, Wesley...my *son*!  They have been the living,
  breathing backbone of this ship for over three years!  They deserve more than
  to be shrugged off...brushed aside, just pinched out of existence like that!
  They all do.  They deserve so much more."
 -- "Remember Me", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "See all these readouts?  That's your heart rate, your blood pressure,
  all your vital signs.  You're in good shape!  You might just live to be my
  age."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "She has plans for herself!  A career and a family!"
Q: "I'm *rescuing* her from that miserable existence."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "That 'miserable' existence is all she's known for the last eighteen
  years.  You have *no* right to take her away from it!"
Q: "Mon capitan, I *really* think we need to speak privately."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "That was a real improvement!"
Barclay: "Same time?  Day after tomorrow?"
Beverly: "'Same time'."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Beverly: "There's something else, Captain.  He taught violin technique at the
  music school last night."
Riker: "I didn't know Barclay played the violin."
Beverly: "He *didn't*.  Not until last night."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Beverly: "They don't do a lot of tap dancing at weddings."
 -- "Data's Day", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "They're brothers, Data.  Brothers forgive."
 -- "Brothers", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "They're not removable, are they, Data?"
Data: "'Removable'?"
Beverly: "Your ears."
Data: "No, Doctor.  They are fully integrated components."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.1
%%
Beverly: "Transfer circuits are functioning properly."
Timothy: "Within established parameters?"
Beverly: "Absolutely.  Input processing, pattern recognition, all 'within
  established parameters.'"
Data and Timothy: "Thank you, Doctor."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Beverly: "Wait a minute!  You, you can't just come in here and take her away
  from everything she's ever known!"
Q: [Laughs]  "I assure you I can."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Beverly: "We're lucky we didn't lose you."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Beverly: "We will start with the assumption that I am *not* crazy."
 -- "Remember Me", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "Will, he's alive.  If we could get him back to the ship, I might be
  able to restore--"
Riker: "This is our only chance to destroy them.  If they get back into warp,
  our weapon is useless."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "Worf, I have an opening in my workshop."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate Unknown
%%
Beverly: "Worf, the big guy who never smiles.  The *Klingon*!  Will Riker, your
first officer!  He's...he's very good at poker! Loves to cook...he listens t
jazz music...plays the trombone!  Commander Data, the android who sits at Ops.
*Dreams* of being human...never gets the punchline of a joke!  Deanna Troi,
your ship's counselor.  Half Betazoid...loves chocolate.  The arrival of her
mother makes you shudder!"
 -- "Remember Me", Stardate unknown
%%
Beverly: "Your right eye is point zero zero four higher than the left."
Picard: "Nobody's perfect, Doctor.  But--"
Beverly: "If you want a proper fit to your prosthetics, trust your tailor."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.1
%%
Beverly: "You've got your work cut out for you."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Be very slow to believe that you are wiser than all others; it is a fatal but
common error. Where one has been saved by a true estimation of another's
weakness, thousands have been destroyed by false appreciation of their own
strength.
 -- Charles C. Colton
%%
Be very, very frightened, Arthur Dent.
%%
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet ... I'm hunting wabbits ... heh, heh, heh, heh.
%%
Be vewwy, vewwy qwiet. We're hunting Elmers.."
 -- Bugs Bunny & Daffy
%%
Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Beware a man of one book.
 -- English Proverb
%%
Beware: a tagline thief has been reported...GOTCHA!
%%
"BEWARE, EVILDOERS, WHEREVER YOU ARE!"
 -- The Masked Avenger
%%
BEWARE - Ferret Tagline Thief in this echo.
%%
Beware! I'm armed and have premenstrual tension.
%%
Beware! I'm armed and have suffered from PMS all my life.
%%
Beware low flying ducks!
%%
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
%%
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes,
and not rather a new wearer of clothes.
 -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862), Walden (1854)
%%
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Beware of an envelope that ticks.
%%
Beware of an executive with a clean desk.
%%
Beware of any endeavor requiring new clothes
 -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
%%
Beware of a short dark haired man wearing a loud tie.
%%
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
%%
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
%%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%%
Beware of attack cat.
%%
Beware of attacking SPEED HUMPS!
%%
Beware of bathrooms with towels reading His, Hers, and Its.
%%
Beware of Bigfoot!
%%
Beware of bogus parmbytes.
%%
Beware of bow-hunters, You might get the SHAFT!
%%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it.
 -- Donald Knuth
%%
Beware of cheap JH Junior imitations.
%%
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
%%
Beware of dark rooms... they might be the morgue.
%%
Beware of death rays!
%%
Beware of desperate steps! The darkest day,
Live till to-morrow, will have pass'd away.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Needless Alarm, Moral
%%
Beware of entrance to a quarrel; but being in, bear it that the opposer
may beware of thee.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,
Bear 't that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Beware of exploding penguins!
%%
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but
 inwardly they are ravening wolves.
 -- Matthew 7:15
%%
Beware of fire, water, dogs,
 and the man who speaks under his breath.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
%%
Beware of Geeks Bearing .GIF's...
%%
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
%%
Beware of Geeks bearing grifts.
%%
Beware of, Had I wist.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ii
%%
Beware of hungry dogs!
%%
Beware of instigators bearing coy taglines!
%%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%%
Beware of low-flying rocks.
%%
Beware of magicians, they manifest anger in strange ways.
%%
Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist submersive plot.
%%
Beware of men on airplanes. The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet,
 he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which
 involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets. These men should
 not be encouraged, their fantasies are sadly low-rent and unimaginative.
 Affect an aloof, cool demeanor as soon as any man tries to draw you out.
 Unless, of course, he's the pilot.
 -- Cynthia Heimel
%%
Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in
 touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and
 in touch with are their own.
 -- Nora Ephron
%%
Beware of Modem Addiction!  It's contagious!
%%
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for
the corner of the rug.
%%
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.
 -- Chip Salzenberg
%%
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
 -- Leonard Brandwein
%%
Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark!
 -- Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator
%%
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
drip under pressure.
%%
Beware of short waiters.
%%
Beware of that person who is slow to anger. For when it is long in coming,
 it stays longer and is warmer and dies not so easily. Abused patience is a
 very strong fuel for a fire not easily put out by any known means.
%%
Beware of the "Black Swan" fallacy.  Deductive logic is tautological; there is
no way to get a new truth out of it, and it manipulates false statements as
readily as true ones.  If you fail to remember this, it can trip you - with
perfect logic.  The designers of the earliest computers called this the "Gigo
Law", i.e. "garbage in, garbage out".  Inductive logic is MUCH more difficult -
but can produce new truths.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Beware of the cafe that serves crisp tapioca.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Beware of the Congressman you think is your friend.
%%
Beware of the fool whose volume of words is as that of ten men, a
hundred arrows shot and each one wide of the target.  If thou art wise,
shoot one and that one straight.
 -- Bustan of Sadi
%%
Beware of the half truth.  You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.
%%
Beware of the man who has no enemies.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
%%
Beware of the man whose god is in the skies.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Beware of the man who will not engage in idle conversation; he is planning
 to steal your walking stick or water your stock.
 -- William Emerson
%%
Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details.
 -- William Feather, Sr.
%%
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
 finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
 murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
 their ignorance the hard way.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%%
Beware of the minotaur. He's very horny!
%%
Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts.
%%
 Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
 -- Matz's warning
%%
Beware of the potion of Nitroglycerine - it's not for the weak of heart.
%%
Beware of the powermonging InterLink Moderators.
%%
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing
 of interest is easy.
%%
Beware of the Vampire Jesus--He gave his blood for you
and he wants it all back now!
%%
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
Beware of true believers you may be duped by a false god.
%%
Beware of wands of instant disaster.
%%
Beware of what you ask of the Gods, for they may....
%%
Beware of your wishes: They will probably come true.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Beware of Yuppies bearing Uzis.
%%
BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.
%%
BEWARE...Tagline protected by guard dogs!
%%
Beware the bore worms!
%%
Beware the Cobolosaurus Rex!
%%
Beware the eyes of Morphy.
%%
Beware the fury of a patient man.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 1005
%%
Beware the grammar / Spelling Gestapo.
%%
Beware the Grin Reaper [smiley face with teeth]
%%
Beware the ides of March.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Beware the Jabberwock, my son
 The jaws that bite, the claws that catch
 Beware the jubjub bird, and shun
 The frumious bandersnatch
 -- _Jabberwocky_, by Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson)
%%
Beware the Jubjub bird
%%
Beware the Killer Rabbit!
%%
Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
untechnician-like manner.
 -- The First Commandment for Technicians
%%
"Beware the [lobbyist], my son, the jaws that bite, the claws that
snatch" (with thanks to Lewis Carroll).  No matter how noble the cause
or well meaning its professional advocates, lobbyists are still paid to
get results.  They're subject to errors in judgement, shortcomings in
motives, and most of them don't even vote in your district.
 -- Pierre S. du Pont
%%
Beware the man of one book.
 -- St. Thomas Aquinas
%%
Beware the man who fears you.
%%
Beware the man who makes cream with his mouth; he winds up making
butter with his nose.
 -- Babbaluche the cobbler
%%
Beware the man who slaps you on the back -
he is probably trying to make you cough up something.
%%
Beware the man with white feathers and an orange mouth,
for he is a duck in disguise.
%%
Beware the new TTY code!
%%
Beware the one behind you.
%%
Beware the psychopomp
%%
Beware the scurge of the Ice Queen!
%%
Beware the shadows, for they are...ARRGHH!
%%
Beware! The tagline thief lurks in the depths of _____Net!
%%
Beware! The teddy bears of today still carry the
vestigial claws of their ancestors
%%
Beware the thirty-first of November.
%%
Beware The TOPIC POLICEMAN!
%%
Beware the wench with scurvy in her bilge.
%%
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
%%
Beware the writer who always encloses the word *reality* in quotation marks:
He's trying to slip something over on you. Or into you.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Beware when in the company of yourself since you are a practicing
 homosapien.
%%
"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet."
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Circles"
%%
Beware! Your brain may no longer be the boss.
 -- Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong
%%
Be warned that being an expert is more than understanding how a system is
 supposed to work.   Expertise is gained by investigating why a system doesn't
 work.
 -- Brian Redman, Bell Communications Research, UUCP UNIX-to-UNIX Copy,
 -- UNIX NETWORKING, edited by Stephen Kochan and Patrick Wood
%%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.
 -- Joaquin de Setanti
%%
BEW: Branch Either Way
%%
Be where you are, and go where you're going.
%%
Be wisely worldly, be not worldly wise.
 -- Francis Quarles (1592-1644)
 -- Emblems, Book ii, Emblem 2
%%
Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.
 -- Lord Chesterfield (to his son)
%%
Be wise to-day; 't is madness to defer.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Night Thoughts, Night i, Line 390
%%
Be wise with speed;
A fool at forty is a fool indeed.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Love of Fame, Satire ii, Line 282
%%
Bewitched and bewildered in San Diego.
%%
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, they should be!
%%
Be ye all of one mind.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Peter iii, 8
%%
Be ye angry and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath.
 -- Ephesians 4:26
%%
Be Ye Not Lost Among Precepts of Order...
 -- The Book of Uterus 1;5
%%
Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew x, 16
%%
Beyond a critical point within a finite space, freedom diminishes as
numbers increase. . . . the human question is not how many can possibly
survive within the system, but what kind of existence is possible for those
who do survive.
 -- Frank Herbert, Dune
%%
Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.
 -- Stanislaw J. Lec
%%
Beyond the 23-rd level lies a happy retirement in a room of your own.
%%
Beyond the limits of a vulgar fate,
Beneath the good how far,--but far above the great.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Progress of Poesy, III, Line 16
%%
Beyond this vale of tears
  There is a life above,
Unmeasured by the flight of years;
  And all that life is love.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The Issues of Life and Death
%%
Be Young... Have Fun... Chug Down Six-Packs Of Jolt... Worship Barney.
%%
Be Young! Have fun! Play hockey!
%%
Be YoUnG! hAvE fUn! PlAy TrAdEwArS!
%%
Be Young! Have fun! Watch hockey!
%%
Be yourself--it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it
%%
Be yourself to do your best.
%%
Be Yourself. Who else is better qualified?
 -- Frank J. Giblin II
%%
BFA: Branch to False Assumption
%%
BF: Belch Fire
%%
BF: Blow Fuse
%%
BF: Branch Forever
%%
BFD: Branch on Full Disk
%%
BFF: Branch and Form Feed
%%
BFM: Be Fruitful and Multiply
%%
BGFT: Add a new dimension to BBS communications
%%
BGFT: BackGround File Transfer conference on NANET
%%
BH: Branch and Hang
%%
BhlarneyStone: For benchmarking vapourware.
%%
Bias used to say that men ought to calculate life both as if they
were fated to live a long and a short time, and that they ought to
love one another as if at a future time they would come to hate one
another; for that most men were bad.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Bias, v
%%
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
BIBLE
  A bible is a book which one or more religions consider to be holy,
  and to be something that they should follow. It is of course
  generally rather impractical to follow books, not just because they
  don't often go anywhere, but also because they are not very good at
  public speaking, decision making, problem solving, or any of the
  other qualities recognised as being an advantage for leadership. A
  religion based around the teachings of any compilation of Toxic
  Custard would be very strange indeed. To subscribe to this new cult
  following, send $15 now.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:bible: n. 1. One of a small number of fundamental source books
   such as {Knuth} and {K&R}.  2. The most detailed and
   authoritative reference for a particular language, operating
   system, or other complex software system.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bibles laid open, millions of surprises.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Sin
%%
Bibliography is my business.
%%
Bibliography is none of my business...
%%
Bibliography isn't my business, it's my hobby.
%%
Bibliography may not be my business, but all those years in grad
school made it easy...
%%
Biblotry: A mental disorder that only effects Republicans.
%%
:BiCapitalization: n. The act said to have been performed on
   trademarks (such as {PostScript}, NeXT, {NeWS}, VisiCalc,
   FrameMaker, TK!solver, EasyWriter) that have been raised above the
   ruck of common coinage by nonstandard capitalization.  Too many
   {marketroid} types think this sort of thing is really cute, even
   the 2,317th time they do it.  Compare {studlycaps}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bicycle - a gay woman's menstrual cycle.
%%
Bicycle racers do it with at 90-110 rpm.
%%
"Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repair you?"
"Well, you don't need to, gov, it's all right.
It's all in a day's work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. <Sniff!>"
 -- Monty Python
%%
 Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a woman number 10
%%
 Bicycles don't get headaches.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a woman number 21
%%
 Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a woman number 22
%%
 Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a woman number 4
%%
Bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories"
anywhere in Santa Clara County (de facto law).
%%
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
%%
Bicyclists do it with a cadence.
%%
Bicyclists do it with chains.
%%
Bidet?  Try washing your whole body.
%%
Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Venus and Adonis, Line 145
%%
Bid, then, the tender light of faith to shine By which alone the
mortal heart is led Unto the thinking of the thought divine.
 -- George Santayana
%%
:BIFF: /bif/ [USENET] n. The most famous {pseudo}, and the
   prototypical {newbie}.  Articles from BIFF are characterized by
   all uppercase letters sprinkled liberally with bangs, typos,
   `cute' misspellings (EVRY BUDY LUVS GOOD OLD BIFF CUZ HE"S A
   K00L DOOD AN HE RITES REEL AWESUM THINGZ IN CAPITULL LETTRS LIKE
   THIS!!!), use (and often misuse) of fragments of {talk mode}
   abbreviations, a long {sig block} (sometimes even a {doubled
   sig}), and unbounded naivet'e.  BIFF posts articles using his
   elder brother's VIC-20.  BIFF's location is a mystery, as his
   articles appear to come from a variety of sites.  However,
   {BITNET} seems to be the most frequent origin.  The theory that
   BIFF is a denizen of BITNET is supported by BIFF's (unfortunately
   invalid) electronic mail address: [e-mail].

   [1993: Now It Can Be Told!  My spies inform me that BIFF was
   originally created by Joe Talmadge <[e-mail]>, also the
   author of the infamous and much-plagiarized "Flamer's Bible".
   The BIFF filter he wrote was later passed to Richard Sexton, who
   posted BIFFisms much more widely.  Versions have since been posted
   for the amusement of the net at large. -- ESR]
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:biff: /bif/ vt. To notify someone of incoming mail.  From the
   BSD utility `biff(1)', which was in turn named after a
   friendly golden Labrador who used to chase frisbees in the halls at
   UCB while 4.2BSD was in development (it had a well-known habit of
   barking whenever the mailman came).  No relation to
   {BIFF}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bigamist: A fog over Italy.
 -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Bigamist: One who makes the same mistake twice.
%%
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the
 expense of alimony.
 -- Oliver Herford
%%
Bigamy is taking one too many.
%%
BIGAMY, n.  A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will
adjudge a punishment called trigamy.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bigamy: Too many wives. Alimony: Same thing.
%%
Bigamy: When two rites make a wrong...
%%
BIG Blue ... Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices!
%%
Big book, big bore.
 -- Callimachus
%%
Big Bright green PLEASURE MACHINE
%%
Big Brother is hallucinating.
 -- Elizabeth D Zwicky ([e-mail]), title of a comp.risks
article
%%
Big Brother is Watching You!
 -- George Orwell
%%
Big cats can kill you!
%%
Big donkeys, small donkeys, all good to eat.
%%
Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space
 -- Diana Black
%%
:big-endian: [From Swift's "Gulliver's Travels" via the famous
   paper "On Holy Wars and a Plea for Peace" by Danny Cohen,
   USC/ISI IEN 137, dated April 1, 1980] adj. 1. Describes a computer
   architecture in which, within a given multi-byte numeric
   representation, the most significant byte has the lowest address
   (the word is stored `big-end-first').  Most processors,
   including the IBM 370 family, the {PDP-10}, the Motorola
   microprocessor families, and most of the various RISC designs
   current in mid-1993, are big-endian.  See {little-endian},
   {middle-endian}, {NUXI problem}, {swab}.  2. An
   {{Internet address}} the wrong way round.  Most of the world
   follows the Internet standard and writes email addresses starting
   with the name of the computer and ending up with the name of the
   country.  In the U.K.  the Joint Networking Team had decided to do
   it the other way round before the Internet domain standard was
   established; e.g., [e-mail].  Most gateway sites have
   {ad-hockery} in their mailers to handle this, but can still be
   confused.  In particular, the address above could be in the
   U.K. (domain uk) or Czechoslovakia (domain cs).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Big-endians and small-endians.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Gulliver's Travels, Part i, Chap. iv, Voyage to Lilliput
%%
Big Fart!: Hugh Jass
%%
Bigfoot Boogies On Down
%%
Bigfoot Goes High Society
%%
Bigfoot Makes the Valhalla Scene
%%
Bigfoot Puts on the Dog
%%
Bigfoots With Dirty Faces
%%
Bigger and faster is better.
%%
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
%%
:Big Gray Wall: n. What faces a {VMS} user searching for
   documentation.  A full VMS kit comes on a pallet, the documentation
   taking up around 15 feet of shelf space before the addition of
   layered products such as compilers, databases, multivendor
   networking, and programming tools.  Recent (since VMS version 5)
   DEC documentation comes with gray binders; under VMS version 4 the
   binders were orange (`big orange wall'), and under version 3 they
   were blue.  See {VMS}.  Often contracted to `Gray Wall'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BIg Ideas + Limited Knowledge = Lots and Lots of 'test' Renders :-)
%%
:big iron: n. Large, expensive, ultra-fast computers.  Used generally
   of {number-crunching} supercomputers such as Crays, but can include
   more conventional big commercial IBMish mainframes.  Term of
   approval; compare {heavy metal}, oppose {dinosaur}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Big is beautiful, big is accomodating.
%%
Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
Mighty nice!
%%
Big nostrils? Look at your finger size!
%%
Big on NATURAL foods?  80% of people die of NATURAL causes!
%%
Big or small, We tax them all.
%%
Bigot agenda: (a)blacks (b)gays (c)jews (d)anyone who isnt like me.
%%
Bigot? Fundamentalist? Love guns?  The Republicans want YOU!
%%
:bigot: n. A person who is religiously attached to a particular
   computer, language, operating system, editor, or other tool (see
   {religious issues}).  Usually found with a specifier; thus,
   `cray bigot', `ITS bigot', `APL bigot', `VMS bigot',
   `Berkeley bigot'.  Real bigots can be distinguished from mere
   partisans or zealots by the fact that they refuse to learn
   alternatives even when the march of time and/or technology is
   threatening to obsolete the favored tool.  It is truly said "You
   can tell a bigot, but you can't tell him much."  Compare
   {weenie}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that
 you do not entertain.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bigot?  Racist?  Fundamentalist?  Redneck?  The Republicans want YOU!
%%
Bigotry and hatred are _NOT_ "family values."
%%
Bigotry dwarfs the soul by shutting out the truth.
 -- Edwin Hubbel Chapin
%%
Bigotry is hard to remove from a person. It wasn't reasoned in and it can't be
reasoned out.
%%
Bigotry murders religion to frighten fools with her ghost.
 -- Charles Caleb Colton
%%
Big people are those who make us feel bigger when we are with them.
%%
:Big Red Switch: [IBM] n. The power switch on a computer, esp. the
   `Emergency Pull' switch on an IBM {mainframe} or the power switch
   on an IBM PC where it really is large and red.  "This !@%$%
   {bitty box} is hung again; time to hit the Big Red Switch."
   Sources at IBM report that, in tune with the company's passion for
   {TLA}s, this is often abbreviated as `BRS' (this has also
   become established on FidoNet and in the PC {clone} world).  It
   is alleged that the emergency pull switch on an IBM 360/91 actually
   fired a non-conducting bolt into the main power feed; the BRSes on
   more recent mainframes physically drop a block into place so that
   they can't be pushed back in.  People get fired for pulling them,
   especially inappropriately (see also {molly-guard}).  Compare
   {power cycle}, {three-finger salute}, {120 reset}; see
   also {scram switch}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Big Room, the: n. The extremely large room with the blue ceiling
   and intensely bright light (during the day) or black ceiling with
   lots of tiny night-lights (during the night) found outside all
   computer installations.  "He can't come to the phone right now,
   he's somewhere out in the Big Room."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Big things come in .QWK packages.
%%
:big win: n. Serendipity.  "Yes, those two physicists discovered
   high-temperature superconductivity in a batch of ceramic that had
   been prepared incorrectly according to their experimental schedule.
   Small mistake; big win!" See {win big}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
B'Ijik: "Greetings, Captain.  I regret to inform you that Gowron and the High
  Council are quite busy and won't be able to speak with you today."
Picard: "Is Gowron aware that we have been transmitting messages for the past
  three days?"
B'Ijik: "Captain, Gowron wishes that it were possible to talk with everyone who
  wants an audience, but he is only one man.  The demands on his time are
  formidable.  If you would like me to take him a message--"
Picard: "'A message'?!"
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.1
%%
Bike or Die...!
%%
Biker Nuns From Hell - on the next Geraldo!
%%
Bikes Not Bombs
%%
Bikini: Public Waist.
%%
Bilbo found that goblins hate sand, and that zombies could not see him.
%%
Bill and Al's Bogus Adventure begins!
%%
Bill and Al: The Stepford Husbands.
%%
Bill and Ted meet Wayne and Garth... EXCELLENT!  NOT!
%%
Bill and Ted's excellent adventure happened in Florida.
%%
Bill Clinton against unemployment.
 And next week : how to bolt strawberry jam to your ceiling...
%%
Bill Clinton: All Talk.  All Tax.  All Spend.
%%
Bill Clinton: America's leading truthphobe!
%%
Bill Clinton dodged the draft?  Big deal.  So did Pat Buchanan.
%%
Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale - He Sucks.
%%
Bill Clinton: Fool?  Coward?  Liar?  President?
%%
Bill Clinton has turned the White House into the Waffle House.
%%
Bill Clinton: He's not dishonest, he's just morally different.
%%
Bill Clinton: He's not "Slick".  He's just a damn liar!
%%
Bill Clinton is a closet ditto-head!
%%
Bill Clinton *must* be a Statistics Expert.
%%
Bill Clinton never inhaled.  Jerry Brown never exhaled.
%%
Bill Clinton: Pathological liar?
%%
Bill Clinton's favorite breakfast?  Waffles.
%%
Bill Clinton stars in Taxula.  Premiered Jan. 20, 1993!
%%
Bill Clinton's tax-and-spend policies will create a recession in America.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle in New Jersey, 10/19/92.
 -- He did not go on to distinguish between the predicted
 -- Clinton recession and the current Bush recession.
 -- (reported in the Philadelphia Inquirer, 10/20/92)
%%
Bill Clinton suffers from delusions of competence.
%%
Bill Clinton Tax Form: 1) Amount earned $_______. 2) Send it in.
%%
Bill Clinton: The Dan Quayle of Presidents
%%
Bill Clinton: The Democrat's idea of a practical joke!
%%
Bill Clinton: The Eddie Haskel of politics.
%%
Bill Clinton: The EDLIN of Presidents.
%%
Bill Clinton: The Milli Vanilli of presidents
%%
Bill Clinton: The Republican's greatest campaign asset.
%%
Bill Clinton: The Rodney Dangerfield of presidents.
%%
Bill Clinton: Two presidents for the price of one.
%%
Bill Clinton: Unwilling to serve - Unfit to lead
%%
Bill Clinton wants to tax my *what*?
%%
"Bill Cosby, huh?"
  "If you play your cards right..."
 -- David Addison, baby, from MOONLIGHTING
%%
Bill D. Cat of Borg: You will be Ack!Thbbpt!imilated!
%%
"Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
Bill Gates, have 'em write _real_ code...
%%
Bill Gates is a closet OS/2 user.
%%
Bill Gates made $6.3 Billion selling us MS-DOS?
%%
Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop
 some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees.
 -- Intel VP David House, In _EE_Times_, 16 October 1989
%%
Bill Gates: Thomas Edison of computers, & just as crooked.
%%
Billie-Jean King's father put her into tennis to stop her
 being a women wrestler.
%%
BILLINGSGATE, n.  The invective of an opponent.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Billions and billions served (and lived).
%%
Bill of Rights? The Bill of WRONGS is in the White House!
%%
Bill of Rights: Void where prohibited by LIBERALS.
%%
Bill Paley just walked into my dressing room with two bottles of champagne
 and opened them up and said, "Let's have a drink. Bottoms up." And I said
 to him, "Isn't that an awkward position?"
 -- Gracie Allen
%%
Bill Posters Will be Prosecuted Vigorously!
Under the sign, someone wrote:
Bill Posters is innocent and lives in another state!
 -- Sign on Public Wall
%%
"`BILLSBY SLASHES FOUR, DIES IN COCAINE BRAWL'"
"That's the front page, Mrs. Billsby."
 -- "Bloom County"
%%
Bills travel thru the mail at twice the speed of cheques
%%
Bill the Cat fan club
%%
Bill who?
%%
Billy:        Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
   generation to generation?
Mom:     Yes?
Billy:              Well, this generation dropped it.
%%
Bimbastard: Child of a bimbo.
%%
Bimbino: A baby bimbo.
%%
Bimblur: Vision created by blonde in a red sports car on the freeway.
%%
Bimbob: A bimbo's boyfriend.
%%
Bimbooboo:  Mistake made by a bimbo.
%%
Bimboy: A male homosexual bimbo.
%%
Bi Montana cowboy - one who likes cows as well as sheep
%%
Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
%%
binding: discomfort caused by tight undergarments.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
 -- Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
%%
Bink:   Bink to enlightenment.  Have arrived on the derelict.  Confirmed
        initial speculation there is absolutely nothing of any value or
        interest here.  It's a field class two ship-to-surface vessle.
        The very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight
        design flaws.  Crew: three.  One series four thousand mechanoid,
        almost burnt out.  Give it maybe three years.  Nothing of
        salvagable value.  Ah, felis sapiens, bred from the domestic house
        cat, and about half as smart.  Uh, no value in future study of
        this species.  What have we here?  A human being, or a very close
        approximation.  Chronological age: mid twenties.  Physical age:
        forty-seven.  Slightly overweight, unnecissarily ugly.  Otherwise
        would reccomend it for the museum.  Apart from that there is no
        value or interest.
%%
Binkley without mail is like a scooter without wheels!
%%
#!/bin/sh
echo '16i[q]sa[ln0=aln100%Pln100/snlbx]sbA0D3F204445524F42snlbxq'|dc;exit
%%
Biochemistry expands so as to fill the space and time available for
its completion and publication.
 -- R. T. Hersh
%%
Biochemists wear designer genes.
%%
Biochemists Wear Designer GreenGenes.
%%
Bioengineers wear designer genes.
%%
BIO-GENETIX ENGINEERING LABS: "Playing God so you don't have to."
%%
Biography lends to death a new terror.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Biography: One of the terrors of death.
%%
Biography should be written by an acute enemy.
%%
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Biologists do it with clones.
%%
 BIOLOGY:  Create life.  Estimate the difference in subsequent
 human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
 years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the
 English parliamentary system.  Prove your thesis.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
Biology grows on you.
%%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication
 means the same thing as division.
%%
Bion insisted on the principle that "The property of friends is common."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Bion, ix
%%
Bion used to say that the way to the shades below was easy; he could
go there with his eyes shut.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Bion, iii
%%
Bios City, where Fatman leaves his mark!
%%
Biotechnology is changing our world.
%%
Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and
Buffalo, New
York
%%
BIR: Branch Inside Ranch
%%
Birdie, birdie, in the sky,
Why'd you do that in my eye?
I won't fret, and I won't cry.
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
%%
Birdmodem: ZRCHRP Received. Sending SEEDS.LZH
%%
Bird owners have a cheep on their shoulder!
%%
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
%%
Birds : creatures that pick up worms.
%%
Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it.
%%
Birds have the right of way on Utah state highways.
%%
Birds in their little nests agree;
  And 't is a shameful sight
When children of one family
  Fall out, and chide, and fight.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xvii
%%
Birds of a feather will gather together.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 1, Memb. 1, Subsect. 2
%%
Birds of prey know they're cool.
 -- Gary Larson, The Far Side
%%
Birds smell bad and people who count birds smell even worse!
%%
BIRM: Branch on Index Register Missing
%%
Birra, [It.]: Beer.
%%
Birth-control pills are habit forming.
%%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
 -- T. S. Elliot, Sweeney Agonistes (1932)
%%
Birthday Cheesecake Jellybean Boom!
%%
Birthday parties always end in tears.
Enough is never enough.
The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.
Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five
minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, hysteria.
 -- Rules of Parenthood
 -- Phyllis C. Richman
%%
Birthday parties always end in tears.
 -- Rule of Parenthood
 -- Phyllis C. Richman
%%
Birthdays are healthy, those who have more of them live longer.
%%
Birthdays are significant.  Without them you're dead.
%%
Birth is nothing where virtue is not.
 -- Moliere
%%
Birth is pain,
Death is pain,
Beauty is pain.
 -- The Final Conflict
%%
Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
BIRTH, n.  The first and direst of all disasters.  As to the nature of
it there appears to be no uniformity.  Castor and Pollux were born
from the egg.  Pallas came out of a skull.  Galatea was once a block
of stone.  Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he
grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water.  It
is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a
stroke of lightning.  Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount
Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Birth, school, work, death.  About sums it up, I think.
%%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Bisexual, Proud, and Queer of it.
%%
Bi-sexual vampire needs tongue lashing...apply here.
%%
< Bishop says "I'm afraid I have some bad news." >
"Well that's a switch."
 -- Hudson, "Aliens"
%%
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the behavior
of numbers.  Just as Einstein observed that space was not an absolute, but
depended on the observer's movement in space, and that time was not an
absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in time, so it is now
realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer's movement
in restaurants.
%%
Bit: A word used to describe computers, as
 in 'Our son's computer cost quite a bit.'
%%
:bit bang: n. Transmission of data on a serial line, when
   accomplished by rapidly tweaking a single output bit, in software,
   at the appropriate times.  The technique is a simple loop with
   eight OUT and SHIFT instruction pairs for each byte.  Input is more
   interesting.  And full duplex (doing input and output at the same
   time) is one way to separate the real hackers from the
   {wannabee}s.

   Bit bang was used on certain early models of Prime computers,
   presumably when UARTs were too expensive, and on archaic Z80 micros
   with a Zilog PIO but no SIO.  In an interesting instance of the
   {cycle of reincarnation}, this technique is now (1991) coming
   back into use on some RISC architectures because it consumes such
   an infinitesimal part of the processor that it actually makes sense
   not to have a UART.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bit bashing: n. (alt. `bit diddling' or {bit twiddling}) Term
   used to describe any of several kinds of low-level programming
   characterized by manipulation of {bit}, {flag}, {nybble},
   and other smaller-than-character-sized pieces of data; these
   include low-level device control, encryption algorithms, checksum
   and error-correcting codes, hash functions, some flavors of
   graphics programming (see {bitblt}), and assembler/compiler code
   generation.  May connote either tedium or a real technical
   challenge (more usually the former).  "The command decoding for
   the new tape driver looks pretty solid but the bit-bashing for the
   control registers still has bugs."  See also {bit bang},
   {mode bit}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bitblt: /bit'blit/ n. [from {BLT}, q.v.] 1. Any of a family
   of closely related algorithms for moving and copying rectangles of
   bits between main and display memory on a bit-mapped device, or
   between two areas of either main or display memory (the requirement
   to do the {Right Thing} in the case of overlapping source and
   destination rectangles is what makes BitBlt tricky).  2. Synonym
   for {blit} or {BLT}.  Both uses are borderline techspeak.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BITCHENAID - It's like the best mixer, dude.
%%
BITCHENAID - It's like totally the best dishwasher, dude.
%%
:bit decay: n. See {bit rot}.  People with a physics background
   tend to prefer this variant for the analogy with particle decay.  See
   also {computron}, {quantum bogodynamics}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bit Decay!? YoU say you have Bi+ Decay!
%%
Bite but keep your backs against the wall.
%%
Bite here. Then turn and examine.
%%
Bite me, it's fun.
%%
Bite off, dirtball.
 -- Richard Sexton, [e-mail]
%%
Bite off one chicken head and they never let you forget
%%
Bites on dried gristly meat.
Receives metal arrows.
It furthers one to be mindful of difficulties
And to be persevering.
Good fortune.
%%
Bites on dried lean meat.
Receives yellow gold.
Perseveringly aware of danger.
No blame.
%%
Bites on old dried meat
And strikes on something poisonous.
Slight humiliation. No blame.
%%
Bites through tender meat,
So that his nose disappears.
No blame.
%%
Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
 -- Cat Rule #2
%%
Biting Through has success.
It is favorable to let justice be administered.
%%
:BITNET: /bit'net/ [acronym: Because It's Time NETwork] n.
   Everybody's least favorite piece of the network (see {network,
   the}).  The BITNET hosts are a collection of IBM dinosaurs and
   VAXen (the latter with lobotomized comm hardware) that communicate
   using 80-character {{EBCDIC}} card images (see {eighty-column
   mind}); thus, they tend to mangle the headers and text of
   third-party traffic from the rest of the ASCII/{RFC}-822 world with
   annoying regularity.  BITNET is also notorious as the apparent home
   of {BIFF}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bit, n. The quantum of misinformation.
%%
BIT: Past tense of BYTE.
%%
Bit rate  - how often you are bitten
 -- Data communications glossary
%%
:bit rot: n. Also {bit decay}.  Hypothetical disease the existence
   of which has been deduced from the observation that unused programs
   or features will often stop working after sufficient time has
   passed, even if `nothing has changed'.  The theory explains that
   bits decay as if they were radioactive.  As time passes, the
   contents of a file or the code in a program will become
   increasingly garbled.

   There actually are physical processes that produce such effects
   (alpha particles generated by trace radionuclides in ceramic chip
   packages, for example, can change the contents of a computer memory
   unpredictably, and various kinds of subtle media failures can
   corrupt files in mass storage), but they are quite rare (and
   computers are built with error-detecting circuitry to compensate
   for them).  The notion long favored among hackers that cosmic
   rays are among the causes of such events turns out to be a myth;
   see the {cosmic rays} entry for details.

   The term {software rot} is almost synonymous.  Software rot is
   the effect, bit rot the notional cause.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bits, Bytes, Bauds ...Can't live With, or Without!
%%
Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on!
%%
:bits: n.pl. 1. Information.  Examples: "I need some bits about file
   formats."  ("I need to know about file formats.")  Compare {core
   dump}, sense 4.  2. Machine-readable representation of a document,
   specifically as contrasted with paper:  "I have only a photocopy
   of the Jargon File; does anyone know where I can get the bits?".
   See {softcopy}, {source of all good bits} See also {bit}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bitter pills may have sweet effects.
 -- Proverb
%%
Bit:
The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Bit - twelve and a half cents
 -- Data communications glossary
%%
:bit twiddling: n. 1. (pejorative) An exercise in tuning (see
   {tune}) in which incredible amounts of time and effort go to
   produce little noticeable improvement, often with the result that
   the code becomes incomprehensible.  2. Aimless small
   modification to a program, esp. for some pointless goal.
   3. Approx. syn. for {bit bashing}; esp. used for the act of
   frobbing the device control register of a peripheral in an attempt
   to get it back to a known state.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bitty box: /bit'ee boks/ n. 1. A computer sufficiently small,
   primitive, or incapable as to cause a hacker acute claustrophobia
   at the thought of developing software on or for it.  Especially
   used of small, obsolescent, single-tasking-only personal machines
   such as the Atari 800, Osborne, Sinclair, VIC-20, TRS-80, or
   IBM PC.  2. [Pejorative] More generally, the opposite of `real
   computer' (see {Get a real computer!}).  See also {mess-dos},
   {toaster}, and {toy}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bit: Unit by which programmers lose their sanity.
%%
:bixie: /bik'see/ n. Variant {emoticon}s used on BIX (the Byte
   Information eXchange).  The {smiley} bixie is <@_@>, apparently
   intending to represent two cartoon eyes and a mouth.  A few others
   have been reported.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
%%
Bizoos, n.:
   The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
basketball.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
Bl00p!  The M00se Illuminati strike!
%%
Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? Self-respect?
What of them?
...Nothing.
 -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
%%
Blackadder! What time is it?
Three o'clock in the afternoon, your Highness.
Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept.
 -- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
:black art: n. A collection of arcane, unpublished, and (by
   implication) mostly ad-hoc techniques developed for a particular
   application or systems area (compare {black magic}).  VLSI design
   and compiler code optimization were (in their beginnings)
   considered classic examples of black art; as theory developed they
   became {deep magic}, and once standard textbooks had been written,
   became merely {heavy wizardry}.  The huge proliferation of formal
   and informal channels for spreading around new computer-related
   technologies during the last twenty years has made both the term
   `black art' and what it describes less common than formerly.  See
   also {voodoo programming}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blackberries are red when they are green. Ever notice?
%%
Black clothes: Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture.
%%
Black Dens:
 Where Black Holes live; often unheated warehouses with Day'Glo
spray painting, mutilated mannequins, Elvis references, dozens of
overflowing ashtrays, broken mirror sculptures, and Velvet Underground
music playing in the background.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
BLACKGUARD, n.  A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box
of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on
the wrong side.  An inverted gentleman.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:black hole: n. What a piece of email or netnews has fallen into if
   it disappears mysteriously between its origin and destination sites
   (that is, without returning a {bounce message}).  "I think
   there's a black hole at foovax!" conveys suspicion that site
   foovax has been dropping a lot of stuff on the floor lately
   (see {drop on the floor}).  The implied metaphor of email as
   interstellar travel is interesting in itself.  Compare {bit
   bucket}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Black Holes:
 An X Generation subgroup best known for their possession of
almost entirely black wardrobes.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Black Holes are Out of Sight.
%%
Black holes are where God forgot to cancel the infinities
%%
Black holes resulted when MS tried to beat a deadline!
%%
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
%%
Black holes suck!
%%
Black holes: XRW, CLOUT, R:TOOLS, R:MACROS, R:Documenter
%%
Black hole: The "subway" of the universe......
%%
Black is a pearl in a woman's eye.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- An Humorous Day's Mirth
%%
BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on you pansy!
    [hah] [parry thrust]
    [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR:        Victory is mine!  [kneeling]
               We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
    [Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR:       You're a looney.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.
ARTHUR:        So be it!
    [hah] [parry thrust]
    [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR:        Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!
   ARTHUR takes his last leg off.  The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.
BLACK KNIGHT: All right, we'll call it a draw.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Black Light.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
:black magic: n. A technique that works, though nobody really
   understands why.  More obscure than {voodoo programming}, which
   may be done by cookbook.  Compare also {black art}, {deep
   magic}, and {magic number} (sense 2).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Black music is in, Black culture is in, but Black *people*   will never be in."
 -- Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn
%%
Blackouts are Not unscheduled midweek vacations.
%%
Black spirits and white, red spirits and gray,
Mingle, mingle, mingle, you that mingle may.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Witch, Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Blah.
%%
Blah, blah, blah...
%%
Blah Blah Blah, Blah Blah, Blah, Blah Blah, Blah..
%%
Blaising along at Turbo speed...
%%
Blake is an idealist; he cannot allow himself to think...
 -- Avon
%%
Blake will return....
 -- Cally
You can bet your life on it. In fact, you've just bet both
our lives on it....
 -- Avon
%%
Blake would've been proud of you, you know....
 -- Vila
I know, but then he never was very bright....
 -- Avon
%%
"BLAM! BLAM! POW! POW!"
  "What's going on, Dad?"
"I'm defending our home from foreign invaders, son."
 -- Doonesbury
%%
Blame it on Carter and Clinton.
 -- Conservative Rule #7
%%
Blame Saint Andreas - it's all his fault.
%%
Blame someone else and get on with your life.
 -- Alan Woods
%%
Blame your maker or blame yourself, but don't blame me!
%%
Blaming others can become a satisfying way of life.
%%
Blaming society makes it awfully easy for a person of weak character
to shrug off his own responsibility for his actions.
 -- Stanley Schmidt
%%
Blandishments will not fascinate us, nor will threats of a "halter"
intimidate. For, under God, we are determined that wheresoever, whensoever,
or howsoever we shall be called to make our exit, we will die free
men.
 -- Josiah Quincy, Jr (1744-1775)
 -- Observations on the Boston Port Bill, 1774
%%
Blank paper is God's way of saying it's not so easy to be God.
%%
Blank scrolls make more interesting reading.
%%
BLANK-VERSE, n.  Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult
kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much
affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:blargh: /blarg/ [MIT] n. The opposite of {ping}, sense 5; an
   exclamation indicating that one has absorbed or is emitting a
   quantum of unhappiness.  Less common than {ping}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:blast: 1. vt.,n. Synonym for {BLT}, used esp. for large data
   sends over a network or comm line.  Opposite of {snarf}.  Usage:
   uncommon.  The variant `blat' has been reported.  2. vt.
   [HP/Apollo] Synonymous with {nuke} (sense 3).  Sometimes the
   message `Unable to kill all processes.  Blast them (y/n)?' would
   appear in the command window upon logout.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blasted TARDIS is on the fritz again!
%%
Blasting requires dynamite.
%%
Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
  human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
 -- McCoy, "The Menagerie," stardate 3012.4.
%%
Blaze: unexpected result of overpriming a white gas stove.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
BLC: Branch and Loop Continuous
%%
..  bleakness....  desolation....  plastic forks...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Bleeding Ponytail:
 An elderly sold-out baby boomer who pines for hippie or
pre-sellout days.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Bleem miserable venchit, Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt.
gashee morphosite thou expungiest quopisk.
fripping lyshus wimbgunts awilst moongrovenly kormzibs
Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? moose.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
%%
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.
%%
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
%%
Blessed are the forgetful:  for they get the better even of their blunders.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
Blessed are the Greeks.
%%
Blessed are the hard of hearing, since this allows them to miss most of the
 small talk.
%%
Blessed are the inept, for they will inherit the skies.
%%
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
%%
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
%%
Blessed are the peace makers, for they shall be called the children of God.
 -- Matthew 5:9
%%
Blessed are the pessimists, for they hath made backups.
%%
Blessed are the ugly and determined, for they acquire
the wealth to command the handsome and clever
%%
Blessed are they have have nothing to say and can not be persuaded with any
 known prize, to say it.
%%
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit
 the national debt.
 -- Herbert Hoover
%%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
%%
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute
for they shall be known as dentists.
%%
Blessed is he that considereth the poor.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xli, 1
%%
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be
disappointed.
 -- W. C. Bennett
%%
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Letter to Gay, Oct, 6, 1727
%%
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
for he shall enjoy living.
 -- W. C. Bennett
%%
Blessed is that individual who, having nothing on his mind, decides not to
 share this vast state of wordy nothingness with us in a public display.
%%
Blessed is the healthy nature; it is the coherent, sweetly co-operative,
not incoherent, self-distracting, self-destructive one!
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Sir Walter Scott, London and Westminster Review, 1838
%%
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he is tried,
he shall receive the crown of life.
 -- New Testament
 -- James i, 12
%%
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving
in words evidence of the fact.
 -- George Eliot (1819-1880)
 -- Impressions on Theophrastus Such (1879)
%%
Blessed is the match consumed by kindling flame.
 -- Hannah Sennesh
%%
Blessed is the one whom mosquitoes themselves decide to avoid.
%%
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and
too sleepy to worry at night.
%%
Blessed Me.
 -- a jibe at Jeff Hull
%%
Blessed shall be thy basket and thy store.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Deuteronomy xxviii, 5
%%
Blesses his stars and thinks it luxury.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act i, Sc. 4
%%
Blessings never come in pairs; misfortunes never come alone.
%%
Bless me father for I have SIMMed.
%%
Bless My Good Intentions ...
%%
Bless my Mommy, Daddy, Kitty, Bob Dole and Rush Limbaugh.
%%
Bless thee, Bottom! bless thee! thou art translated.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Bless the hand that gave the blow.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Spanish Friar, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Blest paper-credit! last and best supply!
That lends corruption lighter wings to fly.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle iii, Line 39
%%
:bletch: /blech/ [from Yiddish/German `brechen', to vomit, poss.
   via comic-strip exclamation `blech'] interj.  Term of disgust.
   Often used in "Ugh, bletch".  Compare {barf}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bletcherous: /blech'*-r*s/ adj. Disgusting in design or
   function; esthetically unappealing.  This word is seldom used of
   people.  "This keyboard is bletcherous!" (Perhaps the keys don't
   work very well, or are misplaced.)  See {losing},
   {cretinous}, {bagbiting}, {bogus}, and {random}.  The
   term {bletcherous} applies to the esthetics of the thing so
   described; similarly for {cretinous}.  By contrast, something
   that is `losing' or `bagbiting' may be failing to meet
   objective criteria.  See also {bogus} and {random}, which
   have richer and wider shades of meaning than any of the
   above.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blew his O-rings.
%%
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
%%
BLI: Branch and Loop Infinite
%%
BLIND.BAT was written for some of the people I work with!
%%
Blind? Eat a carrot!
%%
Blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xxiii, 24
%%
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
 -- David Nichols
%%
Blind Spot:  What Dick and Jane did to be cruel...
%%
Bliss in possession will not last;
Remembered joys are never past;
At once the fountain, stream, and sea,
They were, they are, they yet shall be.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The Little Cloud
%%
Bliss *IS* ignorance.
%%
:blit: /blit/ vt. 1. To copy a large array of bits from one part
   of a computer's memory to another part, particularly when the
   memory is being used to determine what is shown on a display
   screen.  "The storage allocator picks through the table and copies
   the good parts up into high memory, and then blits it all back down
   again."  See {bitblt}, {BLT}, {dd}, {cat}, {blast},
   {snarf}.  More generally, to perform some operation (such as
   toggling) on a large array of bits while moving them.  2. Sometimes
   all-capitalized as `BLIT': an early experimental bit-mapped
   terminal designed by Rob Pike at Bell Labs, later commercialized as
   the AT&T 5620.  (The folk etymology from `Bell Labs Intelligent
   Terminal' is incorrect.  Its creators liked to claim that "Blit"
   stood for the Bacon, Lettuce, and Interactive Tomato.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:blitter: /blit'r/ n. A special-purpose chip or hardware system
   built to perform {blit} operations, esp. used for fast
   implementation of bit-mapped graphics.  The Commodore Amiga and a
   few other micros have these, but in 1991 the trend is away from
   them (however, see {cycle of reincarnation}).  Syn. {raster
   blaster}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blitzkrieg players do it in five minutes.
%%
:blivet: /bliv'*t/ [allegedly from a World War II military term
   meaning "ten pounds of manure in a five-pound bag"] n. 1. An
   intractable problem.  2. A crucial piece of hardware that can't be
   fixed or replaced if it breaks.  3. A tool that has been hacked
   over by so many incompetent programmers that it has become an
   unmaintainable tissue of hacks.  4. An out-of-control but
   unkillable development effort.  5. An embarrassing bug that pops up
   during a customer demo.  6. In the subjargon of computer security
   specialists, a denial-of-service attack performed by hogging
   limited resources that have no access controls (for example, shared
   spool space on a multi-user system).

   This term has other meanings in other technical cultures; among
   experimental physicists and hardware engineers of various kinds it
   seems to mean any random object of unknown purpose (similar to
   hackish use of {frob}).  It has also been used to describe an
   amusing trick-the-eye drawing resembling a three-pronged fork that
   appears to depict a three-dimensional object until one realizes
   that the parts fit together in an impossible way.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
blkdev devtab IO err in swap
%%
BLM: Branch, Like, Maybe
%%
BLMWM: Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, Man
%%
:BLOB: [acronym, Binary Large OBject] n. Used by database people to
   refer to any random large block of bits that needs to be stored in
   a database, such as a picture or sound file.  The essential point
   about a BLOB is that it's an object that cannot be interpreted
   within the database itself.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blobs are a lazy mans bezier patch.
%%
Blockade?? What blockade??!
%%
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches
%%
:block: [from process scheduling terminology in OS theory] 1. vi.
   To delay or sit idle while waiting for something.  "We're blocking
   until everyone gets here."  Compare {busy-wait}.  2. `block
   on' vt. To block, waiting for (something).  "Lunch is blocked on
   Phil's arrival."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Block Parity       : One heck of a good time.
%%
:block transfer computations: [from the television series
   "Dr. Who"] n. Computations so fiendishly subtle and complex
   that they could not be performed by machines.  Used to refer to any
   task that should be expressible as an algorithm in theory, but
   isn't.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Bloggs Family, the: n.  An imaginary family consisting of Fred and
   Mary Bloggs and their children.  Used as a standard example in
   knowledge representation to show the difference between extensional
   and intensional objects.  For example, every occurrence of "Fred
   Bloggs" is the same unique person, whereas occurrences of
   "person" may refer to different people.  Members of the Bloggs
   family have been known to pop up in bizarre places such as the DEC
   Telephone Directory.  Compare {Mbogo, Dr. Fred}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blonde: Dumb sh*t happens.
%%
Blonde jokes are one-liners so men can understand them.
%%
Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye!
%%
Blondes and Beer bottles: both empty from the neck up.
%%
Blondes AND women AND nurses can be sysops, too!
%%
Blondes do it with a thermos.
%%
Blondes: Legal Handicapped Parking Permits
%%
Blonde's prefer Hard Disks over floppy ones!
%%
Blondes rule the earth, or at least earth's politicians.
%%
BLONDES.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses!
%%
BlondeWare - Better than the Head Start program
%%
Blood alone moves the wheels of history.
 -- Benito Mussolini (1883-1945)
%%
Blood and death are waiting like a raven in the sky...
%%
Blood and Guts.
%%
BLOOD
  Blood is a substance which runs around and around your body. It
  ensures that you know when you've cut yourself, because suddenly
  whatever has a cut goes red. Certain members of the human race
  actually have blue blood. This means they are bloodsucking leeches.
  One for the small r republicans there.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
 -- an actual excerpt from student science exam papers
%%
Blood in the Saddle - By the Kotex Kid.
%%
Blood is a cleansing and sanctifying thing, and the nation that regards
it as the final horror has lost its manhood ... there are many things
more horrible than bloodshed, and slavery is one of them.
 -- Padraic Pearse
%%
Blood is thicker than water.  Tastier and more nutritious too.
%%
Blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church.
 -- Tertullian (160-240 AD)
 -- Apologeticus, c. 50
%%
Blood on the Hurdle - By Wun Hung Low.
%%
Blood's thicker than water; and it tastes better too!
%%
Blood: substance commonly used to mark a climbing route.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Blood will tell, but it often tells too much.
 -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)
%%
Bloody Cardassians -- I just got this damn thing fixed.
%%
Bloody explorers ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land...come back with a
  tropical disease, a suntan, and a bag of brown lumpy things...Bob's
  your uncle everyone's got a picture of them in the toilet.
 -- Edmund : Potato
%%
Blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Evangeline, Part i
%%
Blot out vain pomp; check impulse; quench appetite; keep reason under
its own control.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 7
%%
:blow an EPROM: /bloh *n ee'prom/ v. (alt. `blast an EPROM',
   `burn an EPROM') To program a read-only memory, e.g. for use
   with an embedded system.  This term arose because the programming
   process for the Programmable Read-Only Memories (PROMs) that
   preceded present-day Erasable Programmable Read-Only Memories
   (EPROMs) involved intentionally blowing tiny electrical fuses on
   the chip.  The usage lives on (it's too vivid and expressive to
   discard) even though the write process on EPROMs is
   nondestructive.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:blow away: vt. To remove (files and directories) from permanent
   storage, generally by accident.  "He reformatted the wrong
   partition and blew away last night's netnews."  Oppose {nuke}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blow, blow, thou winter wind!
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
Blow it out your comm port!
%%
Blow me a little kiss, will ya, huh?
%%
Blow - opposite of Buv.
%%
:blow out: [prob. from mining and tunneling jargon] vi. Of
   software, to fail spectacularly; almost as serious as {crash and
   burn}.  See {blow past}, {blow up}, {die
   horribly}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blowout!: Vlad Tire
%%
:blow past: vt. To {blow out} despite a safeguard.  "The server blew
   past the 5K reserve buffer."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:blow up: vi. 1. [scientific computation] To become unstable.  Suggests
   that the computation is diverging so rapidly that it will soon
   overflow or at least go {nonlinear}.  2.  Syn. {blow out}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blow up your vehicle. It's really fun to watch.
%%
Blow, wind! come, wrack!
At least we 'll die with harness on our back.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Blow ye winds / Like the trumpet blows; / But without that noise.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder.
%%
BLP: Boot from Line Printer
%%
BLR: Branch and Lose Return
%%
:BLT: /B-L-T/, /bl*t/ or (rarely) /belt/ n.,vt. Synonym for
   {blit}.  This is the original form of {blit} and the ancestor
   of {bitblt}.  It referred to any large bit-field copy or move
   operation (one resource-intensive memory-shuffling operation done
   on pre-paged versions of ITS, WAITS, and TOPS-10 was sardonically
   referred to as `The Big BLT').  The jargon usage has outlasted the
   {PDP-10} BLock Transfer instruction from which {BLT} derives;
   nowadays, the assembler mnemonic {BLT} almost always means
   `Branch if Less Than zero'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BLT: Break Little Thing
%%
Blue...blue...blue...
I hope that isn't a stutter.
 -- Data and Picard, "Contagion", stardate 42609.1
%%
:Blue Book: n. 1. Informal name for one of the three standard
   references on the page-layout and graphics-control language
   {{PostScript}} ("PostScript Language Tutorial and Cookbook",
   Adobe Systems, Addison-Wesley 1985, QA76.73.P67P68, ISBN
   0-201-10179-3); the other three official guides are known as the
   {Green Book}, the {Red Book}, and the {White Book} (sense
   2).  2. Informal name for one of the three standard references on
   Smalltalk: "Smalltalk-80: The Language and its
   Implementation", David Robson, Addison-Wesley 1983, QA76.8.S635G64,
   ISBN 0-201-11371-63 (this book also has green and red siblings).
   3. Any of the 1988 standards issued by the CCITT's ninth plenary
   assembly.  These include, among other things, the X.400 email spec
   and the Group 1 through 4 fax standards.  See also {{book
   titles}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blue dove...the crackerjack is on the windowsill.
%%
:Blue Glue: [IBM] n. IBM's SNA (Systems Network Architecture), an
   incredibly {losing} and {bletcherous} communications protocol
   widely favored at commercial shops that don't know any better.  The
   official IBM definition is "that which binds blue boxes
   together."  See {fear and loathing}.  It may not be irrelevant
   that {Blue Glue} is the trade name of a 3M product that is
   commonly used to hold down the carpet squares to the removable
   panel floors common in {dinosaur pen}s.  A correspondent at
   U. Minn. reports that the CS department there has about 80 bottles
   of the stuff hanging about, so they often refer to any messy work
   to be done as `using the blue glue'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:blue goo: n. Term for `police' {nanobot}s intended to prevent
   {gray goo}, denature hazardous waste, destroy pollution, put
   ozone back into the stratosphere, prevent halitosis, and promote
   truth, justice, and the American way, etc.  See
   {{nanotechnology}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bluegrass is not just a weed.
%%
Blue... No, yelloooooooooooooow
%%
Blue - Shifted * Red - Shifted * Doppler Effect...
%%
Blue-shifted: The only way to travel ...
%%
Blue + Wave = Bluewave.  Wacky, wacky, wacky!
%%
BlueWave does everything but think up new taglines!
%%
Bluewave:  everyone's doin' it!  Come on!  You'll be COOOOOL!
%%
Bluewave gets my mail, keeps me safe from the twits and flames!
%%
BlueWave spoken fluently here!
%%
Bluewave took the sparkle out of Comit!!
%%
:blue wire: [IBM] n. Patch wires added to circuit boards at the factory to
   correct design or fabrication problems.  These may be necessary if
   there hasn't been time to design and qualify another board version.
   Compare {purple wire}, {red wire}, {yellow wire}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bluff means never having to sway your story!
%%
:blurgle: /bler'gl/ [Great Britain] n. Spoken {metasyntactic
   variable}, to indicate some text that is obvious from context, or
   which is already known. If several words are to be replaced,
   blurgle may well be doubled or trebled. "To look for something in
   several files use `grep string blurgle blurgle'."  In each case,
   "blurgle blurgle" would be understood to be replaced by the file
   you wished to search.  Compare {mumble}, sense 7.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Blushing is the colour of virtue.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Jeremiah iii
%%
B.M. = Bowel Movement  OR  = Brian Mulroney
%%
BM: Branch Maybe
%%
BMI: Blow up Memory Immediate
%%
BMI: Branch on Missing Index
%%
BMI: Branch to Muncee Immediate
%%
BMP: Branch and Make Popcorn
%%
BMR: Branch Multiple Registers
%%
BmrphPUPAHbmrphPUPAHbmrphPUPAHbmrphPUPAHbmrphPUP(rapline)
%%
BMW             Babbling Mechanical Wench
%%
BMW             Bastard Money Wielders
%%
BMW             Beastly Monstrous Wonder
%%
BMW             Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
%%
BMW             Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
%%
BMW             Big Money Waste
%%
BMW             Big Money Works
%%
BMW             Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
%%
BMW             Born Moderately Wealthy.
%%
BMW             Bowel Movement Wagon (Bowdlerized term for Shitmobile)
%%
BMW             Break My Windows
%%
BMW             Broken Money Waster
%%
BMW             Broken Monstrous Wonder
%%
BMW             Brutal Money Waster
%%
BMW             Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
%%
BNA     Branch to Nonexistent Address
%%
BNCB: Branch and Never Come Back
%%
BNL: Become a Neo-Luddite
%%
BNR: Branch for No Reason
%%
:boa: [IBM] n. Any one of the fat cables that lurk under the floor
   in a {dinosaur pen}.  Possibly so called because they display a
   ferocious life of their own when you try to lay them straight and
   flat after they have been coiled for some time.  It is rumored
   within IBM that channel cables for the 370 are limited to 200 feet
   because beyond that length the boas get dangerous -- and it is
   worth noting that one of the major cable makers uses the trademark
   `Anaconda'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Boardheads do it with stiff masts.
%%
:board: n. 1. In-context synonym for {bboard}; sometimes used
   even for USENET newsgroups (but see usage note under {bboard},
   sense 1).  2. An electronic circuit board.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.
%%
Boast not thyself of to-morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may
bring forth.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvii, 1
%%
Boat: A hole in the water, surrounded by wood, into which one throws money.
%%
:boat anchor: n. 1. Like {doorstop} but more severe; implies
   that the offending hardware is irreversibly dead or useless.
   "That was a working motherboard once.  One lightning strike later,
   instant boat anchor!"  2. A person who just takes up space.
   3. Obsolete but still working hardware, especially when used of an
   old S100-bus hobbyist system; originally a term of annoyance, but
   became more and more affectionate as the hardware became more and
   more obsolete.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Bob also asks if Bill Ward ever did any 3-D
 comics.  Of course, ALL Bill Ward's comics are 3-D
 comics."
 -- Fandom Confidential
%%
Bob beats Cal like a rented mule!
%%
BOB-B-Que.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
BOB: Branch On Bug
%%
Bob built my hot rod, and he filled it with YOUR slack
%%
Bobby Knight told me this: "There is nothing that a good defense
cannot beat a better offense."  In other words a good offense wins.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club of Chicago,
 -- comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the
 -- defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
Bob Doesn't have an answer, but refuses to admit it..
%%
Bob has listed "Reality" as a PREVIOUS address!!
%%
Bob!  Hay what's up?  How's life?
%%
 Bob here.  I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.  So
 start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll
 pick up the phone.  Otherwise, well, what can I say?
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Bob, how do you attract so much trouble??!?
%%
Bob in a straightjacket!
%%
Bob!!!   Is that a UFO outside????
%%
Bob, kindly refrain yer brain.
%%
Bob Morgan - Body by Fisher..
%%
Bob Morgan has been caught stealing taglines again.
%%
Bob Morgan has it floored in neutral.
%%
Bob Morgan is to moderators what mosquitos are to campers.
%%
Bob Morgan, leap - and the net will appear.
%%
Bob Morgan, rebel without a clue.
%%
Bob Morgan reminds me of London - Always in a fog.
%%
Bob Morgan speaks rather loudly for a rational creature..
%%
Bob must be home. The modem is still warm.
%%
Bob, my tear ducts are bone dry!
%%
Bob's nuts roasting on an open fire...  OUCH!
%%
Bob splattered quite nicely.
%%
Bob Spreen Cadillac.  Where the freeways meet in Downey.
%%
Bob Vila of Borg: Welcome to This Old Assimilation.
%%
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
%%
Bob went to a freak show and got in free !
%%
Bob, you forgot the bloomin' TAGLINE.
%%
Bob, you magnificent b*stard...I READ YOUR MENU!
%%
Bochra: "And without [the VISOR], you can see nothing?"
LaForge: "That's right."
Bochra: "And your parents let you live?"
 -- "The Enemy", Stardate unknown
%%
BOD: Beat On Disk
%%
BOD: Branch on Operator Desperate
%%
Bo Derek ruined my life!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Bo Derek thinks we're a bunch of airheads.
%%
Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion; bodies at rest
tend to remain in bed.
%%
Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge
which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind.
 -- Plato, The Republic. Book VII. 536
%%
BODILY FUNCTION: The biological process of making room for more beer!
%%
Body-builders do it with muscle.
%%
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
%%
BODY:        I'm not dead!
CART DRIVER: 'Ere.  He says he's not dead.
LARGE MAN:   Yes he is.
BODY:        I'm not!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Body language is more powerful than verbal language.
%%
Body odor is the window to the soul.
%%
BODY-SNATCHER, n.  A robber of grave-worms.  One who supplies the
young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied
the undertaker.  The hyena.

    "One night," a doctor said, "last fall,
    I and my comrades, four in all,
        When visiting a graveyard stood
    Within the shadow of a wall.

    "While waiting for the moon to sink
    We saw a wild hyena slink
        About a new-made grave, and then
    Begin to excavate its brink!

    "Shocked by the horrid act, we made
    A sally from our ambuscade,
        And, falling on the unholy beast,
    Dispatched him with a pick and spade."
                                                      Bettel K. Jhones
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Boeing B-52 Superfortress.
%%
:BOF: /B-O-F/ or /bof/ n. Abbreviation for the phrase "Birds
   Of a Feather" (flocking together), an informal discussion group
   and/or bull session scheduled on a conference program.  It is not
   clear where or when this term originated, but it is now associated
   with the USENIX conferences for UNIX techies and was already
   established there by 1984.  It was used earlier than that at DECUS
   conferences and is reported to have been common at SHARE meetings
   as far back as the early 1960s.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Boggies are an unattractive but annoying people whose numbers have
increased rather precipitously since the bottom fell out of the fairy-tale
market. Slow and sullen, and yet dull, they prefer to lead simple lives of
pastoral squalor. They don't like machines more complicated than a garotte,
a blackjack, or a luger, and they have always been shy of the 'big folk' or
'biggers' as they call us. As a rule they avoid us, except on rare
occasions when a hundred or so will get together to dry-gulch a lone farmer
or hunter. They seldom exceed three feet in height, but are fully capable
of overpowering creatures half their size when they get the drop on them
... Their beginnings lie far back in the Good Ole Days when the planet was
populated with the kind of colorful creatures you have to drink a quart of
Old Overcoat to see nowadays.
 -- Bored of the Rings, by the staff of the Harvard Lampoon
%%
:bogometer: /boh-gom'-*t-er/ n. A notional instrument for
   measuring {bogosity}.  Compare the `wankometer' described in
   the {wank} entry; see also {bogus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogon filter: /boh'gon fil'tr/ n. Any device, software or hardware,
   that limits or suppresses the flow and/or emission of bogons.
   "Engineering hacked a bogon filter between the Cray and
   the VAXen, and now we're getting fewer dropped packets."  See
   also {bogosity}, {bogus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogon flux: /boh'gon fluhks/ n. A measure of a supposed field of
   {bogosity} emitted by a speaker, measured by a {bogometer};
   as a speaker starts to wander into increasing bogosity a listener
   might say "Warning, warning, bogon flux is rising".  See
   {quantum bogodynamics}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogosity: /boh-go's*-tee/ n. 1. The degree to which something is
   {bogus}.  At CMU, bogosity is measured with a {bogometer}; in
   a seminar, when a speaker says something bogus, a listener might
   raise his hand and say "My bogometer just triggered".  More
   extremely, "You just pinned my bogometer" means you just said or
   did something so outrageously bogus that it is off the scale,
   pinning the bogometer needle at the highest possible reading (one
   might also say "You just redlined my bogometer").  The
   agreed-upon unit of bogosity is the {microLenat}.  2. The
   potential field generated by a {bogon flux}; see {quantum
   bogodynamics}.  See also {bogon flux}, {bogon filter},
   {bogus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogo-sort: /boh`goh-sort'/ n. (var. `stupid-sort') The
   archetypical perversely awful algorithm (as opposed to {bubble
   sort}, which is merely the generic *bad* algorithm).
   Bogo-sort is equivalent to repeatedly throwing a deck of cards in
   the air, picking them up at random, and then testing whether they
   are in order.  It serves as a sort of canonical example of
   awfulness.  Looking at a program and seeing a dumb algorithm, one
   might say "Oh, I see, this program uses bogo-sort."  Compare
   {bogus}, {brute force}, {Lasherism}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogotify: /boh-go't*-fi:/ vt. To make or become bogus.  A
   program that has been changed so many times as to become completely
   disorganized has become bogotified.  If you tighten a nut too hard
   and strip the threads on the bolt, the bolt has become bogotified
   and you had better not use it any more.  This coinage led to the
   notional `autobogotiphobia' defined as `the fear of becoming
   bogotified'; but is not clear that the latter has ever been
   `live' jargon rather than a self-conscious joke in jargon about
   jargon.  See also {bogosity}, {bogus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogue out: /bohg owt/ vi. To become bogus, suddenly and
   unexpectedly.  "His talk was relatively sane until somebody asked
   him a trick question; then he bogued out and did nothing but
   {flame} afterwards."  See also {bogosity}, {bogus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bogus: adj. 1. Non-functional.  "Your patches are bogus."
   2. Useless.  "OPCON is a bogus program."  3. False.  "Your
   arguments are bogus."  4. Incorrect.  "That algorithm is bogus."
   5. Unbelievable.  "You claim to have solved the halting problem
   for Turing Machines?  That's totally bogus."  6. Silly.  "Stop
   writing those bogus sagas."

   Astrology is bogus.  So is a bolt that is obviously about to break.
   So is someone who makes blatantly false claims to have solved a
   scientific problem.  (This word seems to have some, but not all, of
   the connotations of {random} -- mostly the negative ones.)

   It is claimed that `bogus' was originally used in the hackish sense
   at Princeton in the late 1960s.  It was spread to CMU and Yale by
   Michael Shamos, a migratory Princeton alumnus.  A glossary of bogus
   words was compiled at Yale when the word was first popularized (see
   {autobogotiphobia} under {bogotify}). The word spread into
   hackerdom from CMU and MIT.  By the early 1980s it was also
   current in something like the hackish sense in West Coast teen
   slang, and it had gone mainstream by 1985.  A correspondent from
   Cambridge reports, by contrast, that these uses of `bogus' grate on
   British nerves; in Britain the word means, rather specifically,
   `counterfeit', as in "a bogus 10-pound note".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BOH: Branch On Humidity
%%
BOH: Branch on Operator High
%%
BOHICA: (B)end (O)ver (H)ere (I)t (C)omes (A)gain
%%
BOHP: Bribe Operator for Higher Priority
%%
:Bohr bug: /bohr buhg/ [from quantum physics] n. A repeatable
   {bug}; one that manifests reliably under a possibly unknown but
   well-defined set of conditions.  Antonym of {heisenbug}; see also
   {mandelbug}, {schroedinbug}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BOI: Byte Operator Immediately
%%
BOING! Dolly Parton-- silicone based life.
%%
BOING! RIME--America's Funniest Home Computers
%%
BOING! Tag!  You're It...
%%
BOING! There are too many people in the world.
%%
BOING! Toxicologists have better endpoints.
%%
:boink: /boynk/ [USENET: variously ascribed to the TV series
   "Cheers" "Moonlighting", and "Soap"] 1. To have sex
   with; compare {bounce}, sense 3. (This is mainstream slang.) In
   Commonwealth hackish the variant `bonk' is more common.  2. After
   the original Peter Korn `Boinkon' {USENET} parties, used for
   almost any net social gathering, e.g., Miniboink, a small boink
   held by Nancy Gillett in 1988; Minniboink, a Boinkcon in Minnesota
   in 1989; Humpdayboinks, Wednesday get-togethers held in the San
   Francisco Bay Area.  Compare {@-party}.  3. Var of `bonk';
   see {bonk/oif}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bo Jackson knows doing it.
%%
Bo Knows MegaMail!
%%
Bo KNOWS Needlepoint
%%
Bo knows Taglines!
%%
Bo knows your girlfriend!
%%
Boku wa hon desu.
%%
Boldly backing away from where no one has gone before.
%%
Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse.
%%
Boldly going where no modem has gone before...
%%
Boldness is a child of ignorance.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Boldness is a mask for fear, however great.
 -- Lucan
%%
Boldness is ever blind, for it sees not dangers and inconveniences;
whence it is bad in council though good in execution.
 -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Bolger wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
%%
Bollocks, said Pooh, being more forthright than usual.
%%
Bollocks to Marxism.
%%
Bolt of lightning turns toilet into electric chair.
%%
:bomb: 1. v. General synonym for {crash} (sense 1) except that
   it is not used as a noun; esp. used of software or OS failures.
   "Don't run Empire with less than 32K stack, it'll bomb."
   2. n.,v. Atari ST and Macintosh equivalents of a UNIX `panic' or
   Amiga {guru} (sense 2), in which icons of little black-powder
   bombs or mushroom clouds are displayed, indicating that the system
   has died.  On the Mac, this may be accompanied by a decimal (or
   occasionally hexadecimal) number indicating what went wrong,
   similar to the Amiga {guru meditation} number.  {{MS-DOS}}
   machines tend to get {locked up} in this situation.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
%%
bom.ni.science \bom-'nish-*n(t)s\ n : the situation, quality, or state
whereby Bo knows everything.
%%
Bon appetite!
%%
Bon Collexion.
%%
:bondage-and-discipline language: A language (such as {{Pascal}},
   {{Ada}}, APL, or Prolog) that, though ostensibly general-purpose,
   is designed so as to enforce an author's theory of `right
   programming' even though said theory is demonstrably inadequate for
   systems hacking or even vanilla general-purpose programming.  Often
   abbreviated `B&D'; thus, one may speak of things "having the
   B&D nature".  See {{Pascal}}; oppose {languages of
   choice}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Bondage... what's bondage?"
"He's from Flagstaff."
"Oh."
 -- Bruce Babbit poses a question in HONKEYTONK SUE
%%
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas.
 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
%%
Bonds almost instantly!
%%
BONDSMAN, n.  A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to
become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.
    Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a
dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would
be able to give.  "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give
you my word of honor."  "And pray what may be the value of that?"
inquired the amused Regent.  "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in
gold."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bone and Skin, two millers thin,
  Would starve us all, or near it;
But be it known to Skin and Bone
  That Flesh and Blood can't bear it.
 -- John Byrom (1691-1763)
 -- Epigram on Two Monopolists
%%
Bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis ii, 23
%%
Bones! It's EnsignGoodyear!  He's tread, Jim.
%%
Boneyard n.   Where you send Old Iron (q. v.) when it
costs more to plug it in than to throw it away.
 -- IBM Jargon File
%%
bong: sound made by a climber at the conclusion of a fall.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Bonking with Barbie..
%%
BONK
  Oh please, let's not get back to that.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:bonk/oif: /bonk/, /oyf/ interj. In the {MUD} community, it
   has become traditional to express pique or censure by `bonking'
   the offending person.  Convention holds that one should acknowledge
   a bonk by saying `oif!' and there is a myth to the effect that
   failing to do so upsets the cosmic bonk/oif balance, causing much
   trouble in the universe.  Some MUDs have implemented special
   commands for bonking and oifing.  See also {talk mode}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bonzo the Demon Dog from Hell with Handlebars for Ears.
%%
boogeroid
(booh-gur-oyd) n.: clot of nasal mucous so substantial it must be
brought down the back stairs and made to exit via the mouth
%%
Boogers on the Wall-By the twin writers, Pickem & Flickem
%%
BOOK
  A number of letters, collected into words, compiled into sentences,
  arranged into paragraphs and rendered on pages glued or stapled to
  one another could in some circles considered to be a book. Books
  were actually first used by the earliest of cavemen, but weren't
  much use since although a few privileged elders were able to write,
  absolutely nobody could read. Which makes them about as useless as
  a one-legged umbrella wielding elephant.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Bookie: A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.
 -- Henry Morgan
%%
Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no
      longer need.  May I have your permission to destroy all
       records before 1945?
Goldwyn:    Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
BOOKKEEPERS are well balanced.
%%
Bookkeepers do it for the record.
%%
Bookkeepers do it with double entry.
%%
    Book lovers are thought by unbookish people to be gentle
and unworldly, and perhaps a few of them are so.  But there
are others who will lie and scheme and steal to get books as
wildly and unconscionably as the dope-taker in pursuit of his
drug.  They may not want the books to read immediately, or at
all; they want them to possess, to range on their shelves, to
have at command.  They want books as a Turk is thought to want
concubines-- not to be hastily deflowered, but to be kept at
their master's call, and enjoyed more often in thought than in
reality.
 -- Robertson Davies, Tempest-Tost
%%
Book never written: "Dog training." by Wille Bite
%%
Books:  A legal escape from the drudges of reality.
%%
Books are better than TV; they exercise your imagination.
%%
Books are burning
In the main square, and I saw there
The fire eating the text.
Books are burning
In the still air
And you know where they burn books
People are next.
 -- "Books Are Burning", XTC
%%
Books are for use.
 -- First law of library science
%%
Books are like eggs--best when fresh.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so
beautifully furnishes a house.
 -- Henry Ward Beecher
%%
Books are not men and yet they stay alive.
 -- Stephen Vincent Benet
%%
Books by Oolon Caluphid:
  Where God Went Wrong
  Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes
  Who Is the God Person Anyway?
...and the finale:
  Well, That About Wraps It Up For God
%%
Books cannot always please, however good;
Minds are not ever craving for their food.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- The Borough, Letter xxiv, Schools
%%
Booksellers never read scrolls; it might carry them too far away.
%%
Booksellers never read scrolls; it might leave their shop unguarded.
%%
Books had instant replay long before televised sports.
 -- Bern Williams
%%
Books?  I'd rather lend you my dog.  He knows his way home!
%%
Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.
 -- Samuel Paterson
%%
Books, like proverbs, receive their chief value from the stamp and
esteem of ages through which they have passed.
 -- Sir William Temple (1628-1699)
 -- Ancient and Modern Learning
%%
Books must follow sciences, and not sciences books.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Proposition touching Amendment of Laws
%%
Books rule the world, or at least those nations which have a written
language; the others do not matter.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Books:  The alternative to television.
%%
Books, the children of the brain.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Tale of a Tub, Sect. i
%%
Books:  They're what's for dinner.
%%
Books without the knowledge of life are useless.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
:book titles:: There is a tradition in hackerdom of informally
   tagging important textbooks and standards documents with the
   dominant color of their covers or with some other conspicuous
   feature of the cover.  Many of these are described in this lexicon
   under their own entries. See {Aluminum Book}, {Blue Book},
   {Cinderella Book}, {Devil Book}, {Dragon Book}, {Green
   Book}, {Orange Book}, {Pink-Shirt Book}, {Purple Book},
   {Red Book}, {Silver Book}, {White Book}, {Wizard Book},
   {Yellow Book}, and {bible}; see also {rainbow
   series}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bookworms only read about it.
%%
Boomer Envy:
 Envy of material wealth and longe-range material security
accrued by older members of the baby boom generation by virtue of
fortunate births.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Boom!  Shaka La Ka  Boom!  Shaka La Ka
%%
BOOOOOM!!!! -- Hey, guys! I found a trap.....
%%
Boop Boop Bee Boop - Betty Boop
%%
boot-ax belay: highly developed technique for ruining an ice ax, destroying a
rope, and shortening a climbing day.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
BOOT DEVICE NOT FOUND and you're ugly too ...
%%
Boot- What your friends give you because you spend
 too much time bragging about your computer skills.
%%
Boot & ye shall see. Replace & all will be made clear.
%%
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH!
%%
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
%%
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
 -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
%%
BOP: Boot OPerator
%%
BOP     Byte Operator
%%
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
%%
Bop was based on a seventeen-note chromatic scale, which presented a
 problem as there are only twelve notes to an octave. They solved this
 problem by playing very rapidly.
 -- Roger Price
%%
Bordeaux makes you think of mischief; Burgundy makes you tease; Champagne
makes you.
%%
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
%%
BOREALIS is where I'm at.
%%
Bore:  A man who spends so much time talking about himself that you
can't talk about yourself.
 -- Melville D. Landon
%%
Bore: A person who has nothing to say and says it...
%%
Bored dogs are subject to episodic cat mirages.
%%
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
%%
Bored? Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people..
%%
Boredom delenda est!
%%
Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half of the
sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Boredom:  Life without RIME or reason.
%%
Boredom -- the desire for desires: Leo Tolstoy
%%
Bored? Play air guitar..
%%
Bored? Recite romantic poetry.. to your toaster..
%%
Bored? Turn your TV picture tube upside down..
%%
Bore, n.:
     A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
 -- Walter Winchell
%%
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Borganist: music maker at Borg baseball games
%%
Borgasm, n.  The ecstacy of being assimilated.
%%
Borg Assimilation is the Best Cure for the Common Man.
%%
Borgburgers: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
%%
Borg-Cola : Not the choice of The Next Generation.
%%
BorgCola: Not the real thing, baby. Unh Huh.
%%
Borg.Com found!  (A)ssimilate (C)hange channel
%%
BorgDos 1.0 : Irrelevant Command Or Filename. (A)ssimilate, (D)estroy?
%%
BorgDOS 5.0: Assimilate another (Y/N)?
%%
BorgDOS 6.0 - FORMAT C: [Y/y] Resistance is futile.
%%
Borg Empire: Equal opportunity Assimilator!
%%
Borger King: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
%%
BORG For President - All Politicians Will Be Assimilated!
%%
Borg for President! `The deficit will be assimilated..'
%%
Borg in New Jersey: "Florio is irrelevant."
%%
Borg Mail Reader v1.0a - Your taglines will be assimilated!
%%
Borg Mail Reader v2.1a - Taglines are irrelevant.
%%
Borg Mail Reader v2.1a - Tagline theft is futile.
%%
Borg: Official extraterrestrial race of the TAGLINE echo.
%%
Borg of Istanbul, Constantinople is irrelevant
%%
Borg Oyster Cult: Fearing the Reaper is irrelevant.
%%
Borg saying: We came. We absorbed. We left.
%%
Borg Ships are Rubik's Cubes without the colored stickers.
%%
Borg Spreadsheet Program - Locutus 1-2-3
%%
Borg starter kit. Some assimilation required.
%%
Borg's World! Partying is irrelevant! Assimilate beer!
%%
Borg to Ferengi, Profit is irrelevant.
%%
Borg virus detected.  (A)ssimilate? (Y/y/y)
%%
Borg-weiser, the Assimilator of Beers.
%%
Borg: What happens when you let the government take care of you.
%%
Borg? Where?  I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER
%%
Boring Midwestern Cities: Cole Lumbus
%%
Borland liked dBase so much they bought the COMPANY
%%
Borland schmorland
%%
Born a day late and like that ever since.
%%
Born again.  And again.  And again.
%%
Born Again Christian = "I guess I myth'd again."
%%
Born again?  Have you been potty trained again?
%%
Born Again Pagan.
%%
Born again virgin.
%%
Born but to banquet, and to drain the bowl.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book x, Line 662
%%
Borne the burden and heat of the day.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xx, 12
%%
Born in 1943, The Year of the Zinc-Coated Steel Penny.
%%
Born in 1945. The replacement for WW II.
%%
Born in a cellar, and living in a garret.
 -- Samuel Foote (1720-1777)
 -- The Author, Act ii
%%
Born in the garret, in the kitchen bred.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- A Sketch
%%
Born to be cuddled.
%%
Born to be Wiiiillllllddddddddddd
%%
Born to Hack ... Full Metal Keyboard
%%
Born to run.
%%
Born to shop.
%%
Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to
your neighbors.
 -- Rudyard Kipling
%%
Bosnian Cease-Fire
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Bosses delegate the task to others.
%%
Boss - Late when you're early, early when you're late.
%%
Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition
to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."
%%
Boss spelled backwards is "double-SOB"
%%
Boss to employer: No, Baxter, you're not being replaced by a computer- only
a silicon chip.
 -- Eli Stein
%%
Boston State-house is the hub of the solar system. You could n't pry
that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened
out for a crow-bar.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, vi
%%
Botany is not a science; it is the art of insulting flowers in Greek and
 Latin.
 -- Alphonse Karr
%%
BOTANY, n.  The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to
eat, as well as those that are.  It deals largely with their flowers,
which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-
smelling.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
BOT: Branch On Tree
%%
Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.
 -- James Hunt, BBC2 TV
%%
Both Empedocles and Heraclitus held it for a truth that man could
not be altogether cleared from injustice in dealing with beasts as
he now does.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Which are the most crafty, Water or Land Animals? 7
%%
Bother! said Pooh, after not recording 'Eastenders'.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose up and ate him.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he backed up onto the wrong tape.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he bumped into Barney.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he called in an air strike.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he carved Eeyore's name in the black caandle.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he deleted C:\WINDOWS.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he deleted his message base.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he deleted his source code ...
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he found he'd used a dirty needle.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he found out his symbiont hated huuny.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he found the smack contained talc.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he got cattle-prodded in the groin.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he got splattered all over the place.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he got trapped in the printer.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he had Eeyore for dinner.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he hid Piglet's corpse with Roo's.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he inhaled.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he inserted the suppository.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he loaded his last round.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he mounted Piglet.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he nuked Iraq!
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he paid 5 extra for 'teddy' style.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he puked over Christopher Robin.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he pulled the cat off his face.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he put the message in the wrong conference.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he reached for the reset button.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he read alt.fan.bill-gates.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he received his Compuserve bill.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he reinstalled Telemate 4.12.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he reinstalled TLX 5.1.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he ripped his ringpiece.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he saw Ms. Bobbitt drive up.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he saw the mushroom cloud.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he scrambled his partition table.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he shot A.A. Milne for being a git.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he shot that bird in the wing.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he started up Norton Utilities.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he struggled with his condom.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he stuffed Piglet's corpse into a trash bag.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he sunk his twelfth Guinness.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he swallowed the mucus in lumps.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he torched the forest.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he tried to install OS/2.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he tried to install Windoze.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he tried to learn COBOL.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he twitted his moderator.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurves.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he underwent aversion therapy.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he was butchered for his paws and liver.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he wiped the vomit from his chin.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as he wrestled with the moderator.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as his bungee cord broke.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as his buttocks caught fire.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as his LAN manager went downhill.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as his rectum exploded.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as his regeneration failed.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as his time ran out and he turned into a puddle.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as Kanga sneezed in his honey pot.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as Satan laid his soul to waste.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as the Cardassians tortured him.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as the condom came away in his hand.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as the pin fell out the grenade.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as the police closed in.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as the pus dribbled out his nose.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as the vice squad took his .GIF files.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, as Windows swapped out again.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, I need a sauce for piglet.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, it's your husband and he has a gun.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, lock phasers on that heffalump!
%%
Bother! said Pooh, pulling the Tribble from his honey pot.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, taking the last hit from his grass.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, when he couldn't think of a tagline.
%%
Bother! said Pooh, when Tigger came out of the closet.
%%
Both marital problems are teenagers.
%%
"Both models are identical in performance,
functional operation, and interface circuit details.
The two models, however, are not compatible on the
same communications line connection."
 -- Bell System Technical Reference
%%
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
%%
Both of them [Breckenridge and Douglas, Lincoln's opponents] mean that
Labor has no rights which Capital is bound to respect, -- that there
is no higher law than human interest and cupidity.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
%%
Both potter is jealous of potter and craftsman of craftsman; and poor
man has a grudge against poor man, and poet against poet.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 25
%%
Both sexes have sex when they don't want it--even on the first date.
%%
BOTH sexes kill men more than they kill women.
%%
Both thunder and lightning come:
The image of Abundance.
Thus the superior man decides lawsuits
And carries out punishments.
%%
Bottled dreams float you to shore.
 -- Margo Pisnoy
%%
BOTTLE.GIN NOT found:  Sysop NOT loaded
%%
BOTTLE-NOSED, adj.  Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bottle 'o wine, fruit 'o the vine ...
%%
:bottom feeder: n. Syn. for {slopsucker}, derived from the
   fishermen's and naturalists' term for finny creatures who subsist
   on the primordial ooze.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bottom-up implementation: n. Hackish opposite of the techspeak term
   `top-down design'.  It is now received wisdom in most
   programming cultures that it is best to design from higher levels
   of abstraction down to lower, specifying sequences of action in
   increasing detail until you get to actual code.  Hackers often find
   (especially in exploratory designs that cannot be closely
   specified in advance) that it works best to *build* things in
   the opposite order, by writing and testing a clean set of primitive
   operations and then knitting them together.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Boughs are daily rifled
  By the gusty thieves,
And the book of Nature
  Getteth short of leaves.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- The Season
%%
Bought And Sold...
%%
boulder: place close to the ground to practice falling. when climbers aren't
climbing, they like to sharpen their skills by bouldering on large rocks
located in places frequented by impressionable tourists. because bouldering
is done without protection, the rule is never to climb higher than you'd
like to fall. that is why so many climbers stand around discussing boulder
problems instead of climbing them.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
:bounce message: [UNIX] n. Notification message returned to sender
   by a site unable to relay {email} to the intended {{Internet
   address}} recipient or the next link in a {bang path} (see
   {bounce}, sense 1).  Reasons might include a nonexistent or
   misspelled username or a {down} relay site.  Bounce messages can
   themselves fail, with occasionally ugly results; see {sorcerer's
   apprentice mode} and {software laser}.  The terms `bounce
   mail' and `barfmail' are also common.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bounce: v. 1. [perhaps by analogy to a bouncing check] An
   electronic mail message that is undeliverable and returns an error
   notification to the sender is said to `bounce'.  See also
   {bounce message}.  2. [Stanford] To play volleyball.  The
   now-demolished {D. C. Power Lab} building used by the Stanford
   AI Lab in the 1970s had a volleyball court on the front lawn.  From
   5 P.M. to 7 P.M. was the scheduled maintenance time for the
   computer, so every afternoon at 5 would come over the intercom the
   cry: "Now hear this: bounce, bounce!", followed by Brian McCune
   loudly bouncing a volleyball on the floor outside the offices of
   known volleyballers.  3. To engage in sexual intercourse; prob.
   from the expression `bouncing the mattress', but influenced by
   Roo's psychosexually loaded "Try bouncing me, Tigger!" from the
   "Winnie-the-Pooh" books.  Compare {boink}.  4. To casually
   reboot a system in order to clear up a transient problem.  Reported
   primarily among {VMS} users.  5.  [VM/CMS programmers]
   *Automatic* warm-start of a machine after an error.  "I
   logged on this morning and found it had bounced 7 times during the
   night" 6. [IBM] To {power cycle} a peripheral in order to reset
   it.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BOUNDARY, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of the other.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
 -- Ralph Lewin
%%
Bound with cords and ropes,
Shut in between thorn-hedged prison walls:
For three years one does not find the way.
Misfortune.
%%
Bounty Hunter: "Kreesh naa krenko".
Solo: "Yeah, I'll bet you have".
 -- Star Wars
%%
BOUNTY, n.  The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who
has nothing to get all that he can.

        A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects
    every year.  The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal
    instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His
    creatures.
                                                    Henry Ward Beecher
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:boustrophedon: [from a Greek word for turning like an ox while
   plowing] n. An ancient method of writing using alternate
   left-to-right and right-to-left lines.  This term is actually
   philologists' techspeak and typesetters' jargon.  Erudite hackers
   use it for an optimization performed by some computer typesetting
   software and moving-head printers.  The adverbial form
   `boustrophedonically' is also found (hackers purely love
   constructions like this).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bove's Theorem:  The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
 increases as the deadline approaches.
%%
Bow down to Rick Wakeman!
%%
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U...
%%
Bowels of compassion.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 John iii, 17
%%
Bowler's dinner -- spare ribs
 -- Raymond D. Love
%%
Bowlers do it in the alley.
%%
Bowlers do it with balls.
%%
Bowlers have bigger balls.
%%
Bowling - the 2nd most popular indoor sport!
%%
"Bowling?"
  "You know. Thats where a big black thing knocks down a lot of little
   white things."
"That sounds like the A-Team to me."
 -- Keith "Badger" Vallenti found this on a channel flip
 -- from Don Adam's CHECK IT OUT
%%
Bowman hesitates. You're not IBM compatible.
%%
BOW TIE: Big Over Weight Tired Impotent Engines
%%
Bow to no patron's insolence. Rely on no frail hopes; in freedom live and die.
 -- Seneca
%%
Bow Wow!  Dyslexic dogs sit on your face and lick your lap.
%%
Bow your head with great respect, and Genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
%%
:boxed comments: n. Comments (explanatory notes attached to program
   instructions) that occupy several lines by themselves; so called
   because in assembler and C code they are often surrounded by a box
   in a style something like this:

     /*************************************************
      *
      * This is a boxed comment in C style
      *
      *************************************************/

   Common variants of this style omit the asterisks in column 2 or add
   a matching row of asterisks closing the right side of the box.  The
   sparest variant omits all but the comment delimiters themselves;
   the `box' is implied.  Oppose {winged comments}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:boxen: /bok'sn/ [by analogy with {VAXen}] pl.n. Fanciful
   plural of {box} often encountered in the phrase `UNIX boxen',
   used to describe commodity {{UNIX}} hardware.  The connotation is
   that any two UNIX boxen are interchangeable.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BOXER: Compile and jump automatically to error lines!
%%
BOXER: mouse, menus, macros, marking, matching, math...
%%
Boxers do it with fists.
%%
Boxer: Winner of Shareware Magazine 1991 Editor's Choice Award!
%%
Boxing is the only sport in the world where two men get paid for doing
 something to each other that if they did otherwise, they would get arrested
 for doing, particularly if one or both of them had been drinking
 beforehand.
%%
:box: n. 1. A computer; esp. in the construction `foo box'
   where foo is some functional qualifier, like `graphics', or
   the name of an OS (thus, `UNIX box', `MS-DOS box', etc.)  "We
   preprocess the data on UNIX boxes before handing it up to the
   mainframe."  2. [IBM] Without qualification but within an
   SNA-using site, this refers specifically to an IBM front-end
   processor or FEP /F-E-P/.  An FEP is a small computer necessary
   to enable an IBM {mainframe} to communicate beyond the limits of
   the {dinosaur pen}.  Typically used in expressions like the cry
   that goes up when an SNA network goes down: "Looks like the
   {box} has fallen over." (See {fall over}.) See also
   {IBM}, {fear and loathing}, {fepped out}, {Blue
   Glue}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:boxology: /bok-sol'*-jee/ n. Syn. {ASCII art}.  This term
   implies a more restricted domain, that of box-and-arrow drawings.
   "His report has a lot of boxology in it."  Compare
   {macrology}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Boy Am I Tired! It Must Be The NET-LAG!
%%
Boy and girl go camping together, sure to have naughty intent!
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Boy and girl in the bath.
 Girl: What is that long thing ?
 Boy : It`s mine.
 Girl: Can I play with it ?
 Boy : No! You`ve broken yours already.
%%
Boycott - a bed for a young male person.
%%
Boycott Clockwork Peach.
%%
Boycott EXXON... get a horse!
%%
Boycott -- In 1880, Captain Charles Cunningham Boycott was land agent in
County Mayo, Ireland, for an absentee owner, the Earl of Erne. Though
the harvest had been disastrous, Captain Boycott refused to reduce rents
and attempted to evict any tenants who could not pay in full. As a
result, he became the object of the earliest known effort to force an
alteration of policy by concerted nonintercourse. His servants departed
en masse. No one would sell him food. Life became so miserable for him
that at last he gave up and returned to England. To boycott is "to
combine in abstaining from, or preventing dealings with, as a means of
intimidation or coercion."
 -- Willard R. Espy, "O Thou Improper, Thou Uncommon Noun"
%%
Boycott meat - beat a vegetable.
%%
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
%%
Boycott Shampoo  -  Demand REAL poo!
%%
Boy: "Daddy, daddy, I hurt myself!"
Guard: "Whatsa matter kid, you hurt yourself?"
 -- "A Piece Of The action", Stardate unknown
%%
Boy, Data, you look great in a push-up bra
 Riker
%%
Boy George - just what England needs, another Queen who can't dress!
%%
"Boy, life takes a long time to live
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Boy! Lucius! Fast asleep? It is no matter;
Enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber:
Thou hast no figures nor no fantasies,
Which busy care draws in the brains of men;
Therefore thou sleep'st so sound.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.
%%
Boy oh boy, that lightening sounds clo)^*&%&$NO CARRIER
%%
Boys' abusers are usually women.
%%
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
 -- James Thurber
%%
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
%%
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit
%%
Boys don't make passes at female smartasses.
 -- Letty Cottin Pogrebin
%%
Boys want to light bangers, but end up holding sparklers.
%%
Boys will be boisterous.
%%
Boys will be boys, and if given any form of decent opportunity, these will
 be quickly joined by any number of middle-aged men.
%%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Boys will be boys, and so will you.
%%
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Boy, that Data is slicker than cow snot
 -- Guinan
%%
Boy that lightning is coming a little too close-***$*%***NO CARRIER
%%
Boy, that's bad!!
%%
Boy that Tagline brought back some memories of years gone by.
%%
Boy, that thunder sounds clo@$#%^%#$^ NO CARRIER
%%
Boy! This is Fun and inexpensive too.
%%
Boy, this Soylent Green tastes great!  What's the recipe?
%%
"Boy, this would make a great TV series..."
 -- A vagrant TV executive, from CROSSFIRE
%%
Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
Boy, what beautiful thunder clouds.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
BOY:  You want to play Pearl Harbor?
GIRL: OK.  How do you play?
BOY:  I'll lie down and be Pearl Harbor, and you come along and blow
      the hell out of me.
%%
:bozotic: /boh-zoh'tik/ or /boh-zo'tik/ [from the name of a TV
   clown even more losing than Ronald McDonald] adj. Resembling or
   having the quality of a bozo; that is, clownish, ludicrously wrong,
   unintentionally humorous.  Compare {wonky}, {demented}.  Note
   that the noun `bozo' occurs in slang, but the mainstream
   adjectival form would be `bozo-like' or (in New England)
   `bozoish'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BPB: Branch on Program Bug
%%
BPD     Branch on Programmer Debugging
%%
BPDI: Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
%%
BPIM: Bury Programmer In Manuals
%%
BPL: Branch PLease
%%
BPM: Become a Psych Major
%%
BPO: Branch on Power On
%%
BPO     Branch to Power Off
%%
BPP: Branch and Pull the Plug
%%
:BQS: /B-Q-S/ adj. Syn. {Berkeley Quality Software}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BRA: Branch to Random Address
%%
Braces for false teeth.
 -- Polish invention
%%
Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the
unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend
to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
                   Style"
%%
Brackett: "Three weeks ago, one of our most *celebrated* ambassadors and
advisors to Federation leaders for generations, disappeared.  He left no word
of his destination.  Two days ago, intelligence reports placed him on Romulus,
and I assure you it was an unauthorized visit."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate Unknown
%%
[Braddock:] Mr Churchill, you are drunk.
[Churchill:] And you madam, are ugly.  But I shall be sober tomorrow.
 -- in W. Manchester The Last Lion
 -- To Elizabeth Margaret ("Bessie") Braddock, MP, according to some.
%%
Bradyism:
 A multisibling sensibility derived from having grown up in
large families. A rarity in those born after approximately 1965,
symptoms of Bradyism include a facility for mind games, emotional
withdrawal in situations of overcrowding, and a deeply felt need for a
well-defined personal space.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
BRAHMA, n.  He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu
and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is
found among the deities of some other nations.  The Abracadabranese,
for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by
Folly.  The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy
and learned men who are never naughty.

    O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,
    First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
    You sit there so calm and securely,
    With feet folded up so demurely --
    You're the First Person Singular, surely.
                                                        Polydore Smith
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Brahms: "So *you're* the one who's been fouling up my engine designs."
 -- "Galaxy's Child", Stardate unknown
%%
Brain. Brain. What is brain?
 -- Kara the Eymorg, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
%%
Brain cell currently disengaged ...
%%
BRAIN.COM file closed. (A)rgue (R)etry (F)orget It
%%
:brain-damaged: 1. [generalization of `Honeywell Brain Damage'
   (HBD), a theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter
   cretinisms in Honeywell {{Multics}}] adj. Obviously wrong;
   {cretinous}; {demented}.  There is an implication that the
   person responsible must have suffered brain damage, because he
   should have known better.  Calling something brain-damaged is
   really bad; it also implies it is unusable, and that its failure to
   work is due to poor design rather than some accident.  "Only six
   monocase characters per file name?  Now *that's*
   brain-damaged!"  2. [esp. in the Mac world] May refer to free
   demonstration software that has been deliberately crippled in some
   way so as not to compete with the commercial product it is
   intended to sell.  Syn.  {crippleware}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Brain damage is all in your head.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Brain damage is what we were after...chromosome damage
was just gravy
%%
Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some.
%%
:brain-dead: adj. Brain-damaged in the extreme.  It tends to imply
   terminal design failure rather than malfunction or simple
   stupidity.  "This comm program doesn't know how to send a break
 -- -- how brain-dead!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Brain decay isn't yours only problem.
%%
Brain Disengaged; Call Back Tomorrow.
%%
Brain disfunction detected....
%%
:brain dump: n. The act of telling someone everything one knows
   about a particular topic or project.  Typically used when someone
   is going to let a new party maintain a piece of code.  Conceptually
   analogous to an operating system {core dump} in that it saves a
   lot of useful {state} before an exit.  "You'll have to
   give me a brain dump on FOOBAR before you start your new job at
   HackerCorp."  See {core dump} (sense 4).  At Sun, this is also
   known as `TOI' (transfer of information).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:brain fart: n. The actual result of a {braino}, as opposed to
   the mental glitch that is the braino itself.  E.g., typing
   `dir' on a UNIX box after a session with DOS.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Brain fried -- core dumped.
%%
Brain him with his lady's fan.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Brain Moore: "...the whistle's gone, Ray Houghton clearly 4 or 5 yards
               offside"
 Ron Atkinson:"Yes, but for me that's when Houghton is at his most dangerous."
%%
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.  That which
distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man
who wishes to _do_ something.  A man of great wealth, or one who has
been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of
brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.  In our
civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so
highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of
office.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Brain not found. Run for office? (Y/N)
%%
Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Brain off-line, please wait.
%%
Brain on vacation, body on autopilot.
%%
Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
%%
Brain over - Insert coin.
%%
Brains by Oxford, Body by beer!
%%
Brains first and then Hard Work.
 -- Eeyore, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
Brain stimulator permanently set to -5VDC.
%%
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
 -- O'Riordan's Theorem
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.
 -- Purmal's Corollary
%%
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a
source of error in an opponent.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Braise the Lord! (at 325 degrees for one hour, then add veggies)
%%
brake bar: tavern near a climbing area where everyone stops after a hard day
climbing. see barometer.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
:branch to Fishkill: [IBM: from the location of one of the
   corporation's facilities] n. Any unexpected jump in a program that
   produces catastrophic or just plain weird results.  See {jump
   off into never-never land}, {hyperspace}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Brandy and water spoils two good things.
 -- Charles Lamb
%%
BRANDY, n.  A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one
part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-
grave and four parts clarified Satan.  Dose, a headful all the time.
Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.  Only a hero
will venture to drink it.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Brane Surjery Maid Simpel: Sarah Bellum
%%
Braniff ran OS/2
%%
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several
 miles away.
 -- Sir Thomas Beecham
%%
Brassiere:  A tit-tote...
%%
Brat kid steals 360k file at 300 baud... [SIGH]
 -- Hacker circa 1985AD
%%
BRAT: Someone else's kid that behaves like your own.
%%
Brave, foolish, or both-- there is
something attractive about an
outrageous and futile undertaking.
%%
       Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
       He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
       He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
       Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Brave men were living before Agamemnon.
 -- Horace (65-8 BC)
 -- Odes, iv, 9, 25
%%
Brave men were living before Agamemnon.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 5
%%
Brave politician
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
 -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
Brave Sir Robin ran away,
Bravely ran away,away
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
Petrified of being dead
Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
Turned away and fled.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Brave spirits are a balsam to themselves; there is a nobleness of
mind that heals wounds beyond salves.
 -- Cartwright
%%
Brave thirst of fame his bosom warms.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
Brazilification:
 The widening gulf between the rich and poor and the
accompanying disappearance of the middle classes.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
BRB: BRanch on Beaver
%%
BR: Byte and Run
%%
Bread and Circuits:
 The electronic era tendency to view party politics as corny -
no longer relevant or meaningful or useful to modern societal issues,
and in many cases dangerous.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
:bread crumbs: n. Debugging statements inserted into a program that
   emit output or log indicators of the program's {state} to a file
   so you can see where it dies or pin down the cause of surprising
   behavior. The term is probably a reference to the Hansel and Gretel
   story from the Brothers Grimm; in several variants, a character
   leaves a trail of bread crumbs so as not to get lost in the
   woods.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bread is the staff of life.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Tale of a Tub, Preface
%%
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
:break: 1. vt. To cause to be {broken} (in any sense).  "Your latest
   patch to the editor broke the paragraph commands."  2. v.  (of a
   program) To stop temporarily, so that it may debugged.  The place
   where it stops is a `breakpoint'.  3. [techspeak] vi. To send an
   RS-232 break (two character widths of line high) over a serial comm
   line.  4. [UNIX] vi. To strike whatever key currently causes the
   tty driver to send SIGINT to the current process.  Normally, break
   (sense 3), delete or {control-C} does this.  5. `break break'
   may be said to interrupt a conversation (this is an example of verb
   doubling).  This usage comes from radio communications, which in
   turn probably came from landline telegraph/teleprinter usage, as
   badly abused in the Citizen's Band craze a few years ago.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Break all the promises you want. Voters are stupid.
 -- Liberal Rule #11
%%
Break an old habit, just for the practice:
    Tomorrow, drive to work by a different route.

%%
Break a tail.  (A common show business idiom.)
 -- Cliches for merfolk
%%
Breakdown can occur from many causes.
%%
:break-even point: n. in the process of implementing a new computer
   language, the point at which the language is sufficiently effective
   that one can implement the language in itself.  That is, for a new
   language called, hypothetically, FOOGOL, one has reached break-even
   when one can write a demonstration compiler for FOOGOL in FOOGOL,
   discard the original implementation language, and thereafter use
   working versions of FOOGOL to develop newer ones.  This is an
   important milestone; see {MFTL}.

   [Since this entry was first written, several correspondents have
   reported that there actually was a compiler for a tiny Algol-like
   language called Foogol floating around on various {vaxen} in the
   early and mid-1980s.  The above example may not, after all, be
   hypothetical. -- ESR]
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Breakfast: a pot of coffee and a straw.
%%
BREAKFAST.COM Halted .... Cereal port not responding!
%%
Breakfast n.-first meal of the day, wheat beer'n pretzels.
%%
BREAKFAST
  The first of three major meals of the day, breakfast for the
  average person will normally consist of a small to average amount
  of food, such as a medium serving of artichoke, followed by three
  slices of cow pie and orange juice, two boxes of Corn Flakes,
  ninety-seven unpeeled bananas, fifteen rashers of bacon, nineteen
  eggs, toast, and a sesame-seed bun. There are of course some people
  in the world who are unable to enjoy breakfast. But that serves
  them right for drinking so heavily the night before.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Breaking laws to support dictators is ok.
 -- Conservative idea #7
%%
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
%%
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...
%%
Breakpoint:
The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Breaks balance out. The sun don't shine on the same ol' dog's ass every
 day.
 -- Darrell Royal
%%
 Breaks my heart.   A kid that young goin' bad.
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
Breakthrough ideas are not from teams.
 -- Hans von Ohain
%%
BREAKTHROUGH ............... It nearly booted on the first try
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
Breakthrough:
 We finally figured out a way to sell it!
%%
Break time: Hockey season is over.
%%
Break up a relationship - buy a computer
%%
BREAK v. 1. to cause to be broken (in any sense). "Your last VMS update broke
the common data dictionary." 2. (of a program) To stop temporarily, so that
it may be examined for debugging purposes. The place where it stops
is a BREAKPOINT.
%%
Breast fed:  A female FBI agent.
%%
Breast feeding is popular now. It wasn't when I was growing up. In high
 school, my mom caught me with an inflatable sex doll. I told her, "Hey,
 you're the one who got me hooked with those plastic baby bottles."
 -- Xavier Skinner
%%
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they
can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
Breast Self-Examination by phone:  Press 1.  Now press the other.
%%
Breast size times I.Q. is constant.
%%
:breath-of-life packet: [XEROX PARC] n. An Ethernet packet that
   contains bootstrap (see {boot}) code, periodically sent out
   from a working computer to infuse the `breath of life' into any
   computer on the network that has happened to crash.  Machines
   depending on such packets have sufficient hardware or firmware code
   to wait for (or request) such a packet during the reboot process.
   See also {dickless workstation}.

   The notional `kiss-of-death packet', with a function
   complementary to that of a breath-of-life packet, is recommended
   for dealing with hosts that consume too many network resources.
   Though `kiss-of-death packet' is usually used in jest, there is
   at least one documented instance of an Internet subnet with limited
   address-table slots in a gateway machine in which such packets were
   routinely used to compete for slots, rather like Christmas shoppers
   competing for scarce parking spaces.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
%%
Brevity and superficiality are often concomitants.
 -- Amrom Katz
%%
Brevity is not the soul of politicians.
%%
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
Brevity is the soul of utter incomprehension.
%%
Brevity is the soul of wit.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Brian! Come on, let's go to the stoning.
%%
Brian Leetch: "I want some more file points!"
%%
Bribe is such a...crass word
%%
BRI: BRanch Indefinitely
%%
bricked-up windows
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Bricklayers lay all day.
%%
Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR:       What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Er ...  I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
   BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite colour?
GAWAIN:       Blue ...  No yelloooooww!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite colour?
LAUNCELOT:    Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right.  Off you go.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
 Bridge, Kirk here.
 -- Answering machine madness - science fiction
%%
Bridge players do it with finesse.
%%
Bridge players try to get a rubber.
%%
Briefcase: a trial where the jury gets together
and forms a lynching party.
%%
Briefniks of the world, Unite!
%%
Brigadier, a straight line may be the shortest distance between
two points, but it is by no means the most interesting.
 -- Doctor, The Time Warrior
%%
Brigadier: [Someone just walked over my grave.]
Dr: Perhaps it was a Yeti?
 -- Mawdryn Undead
%%
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
%%
Bright as Alaska in December.
%%
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
%%
Brighter than Cindi Lauper.  But then, what isn't?
%%
Brightest and best of the sons of the morning,
Dawn on our darkness, and lend us thine aid.
 -- Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
 -- Epiphany
%%
Bright-eyed Fancy, hov'ring o'er,
Scatters from her pictured urn
Thoughts that breathe and words that burn.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Progress of Poesy, III, 3, Line 2
%%
  Bright-eyed little boys do not catch foul balls.  Pudgy half-drunk
adults wearing baseball gloves catch foul balls.
%%
Bright-flaming, heat-full fire,
The source of motion.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Day
%%
Bring a gun!
 -- First rule of gunfighting
%%
Bring all you got.
 -- Bob Gibson
%%
Bring back DICK..At least we KNEW he was crooked!
%%
Bring back Max Headroom!
%%
Bring back REAL monster movies!
%%
Bring back the dobro to rock n roll!
%%
Bring back the Sixties.
%%
Bring back the snakes, Ireland was better off Pagan...
%%
Bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis xlii, 38
%%
Bring home the bacon?  HECK!  I Brought the PIG!
%%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
 revitalize the corner saloon.
%%
Bring me a bug and I will pummel it to pieces.
%%
Bring me a live cow over to the table!!
I'll carve off what I want, and ride the rest home!
 -- Denis Leary
%%
Bring me my blue soap box. I want to make a speech.
%%
Bring me to the test,
And I the matter will re-word; which madness
Would gambol from. Mother, for love of grace,
Lay not that flattering unction to your soul.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Bring music to someone's life: donate an organ!
%%
Bring order to your life - use random numbers.
%%
Bring out the Best Foods, and bring out the best.
%%
Bring out your dead.
 -- Ian, DALEK INVASION OF EARTH
%%
Bring the hammer! There's a fly on Bob's head
%%
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them."
 -- Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of _All_ World Knowledge
%%
Bring the whole family...but leave the kids at home!
%%
Bring to the Grocer's: R. List
%%
Bring Windows to it's knees:  Start an application.
%%
:bring X to its knees: v. To present a machine, operating system,
   piece of software, or algorithm with a load so extreme or
   {pathological} that it grinds to a halt.  "To bring a MicroVAX
   to its knees, try twenty users running {vi} -- or four running
   {EMACS}."  Compare {hog}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Britannia needs no bulwarks,
No towers along the steep;
Her march is o'er the mountain waves,
Her home is on the deep.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Ye Mariners of England
%%
Britannia waives the rules.
%%
British Airways: Breakfast in London, Lunch in NY, Luggage in Bermuda.
%%
British boobs are the best in the world.
%%
British condom makers have developed a model that glows in the dark. It can
 be recharged simply by putting it in the light of a table lamp for several
 hours. I say if a condom wants to read at night, it ought right well to
 supply it's own electricity.
%%
British Israelites:
   The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your
head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
 -- Real Newspaper Headline
%%
Britt Ekland: She's a professional girl-friend and an amateur actress.
%%
:brittle: adj. Said of software that is functional but easily
   broken by changes in operating environment or configuration, or by
   any minor tweak to the software itself.  Also, any system that
   responds inappropriately and disastrously to abnormal but expected
   external stimuli; e.g., a file system that is usually totally
   scrambled by a power failure is said to be brittle.  This term is
   often used to describe the results of a research effort that were
   never intended to be robust, but it can be applied to commercially
   developed software, which displays the quality far more often than
   it ought to.  Oppose {robust}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BRL: BRanch and Leak
%%
Broad based upon her people's will,
And compassed by the inviolate sea.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- To the Queen
%%
Broadcast me scrambled clean,
 free me from this flesh,
 I want to be a machine...
%%
BROADCAST MESSAGE AT 4:45pm
   Brain going down...
                IMMEDIATELY.
%%
:broadcast storm: n. An incorrect packet broadcast on a network that
   causes most hosts to respond all at once, typically with wrong
   answers that start the process over again.  See {network
   meltdown}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%%
Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by
 vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's life.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
BRO: BRanch and Overheat
%%
:brochureware: n. Planned but non-existent product like
   {vaporware}, but with the added implication that marketing is
   actively selling and promoting it (they've printed brochures).
   Brochureware is often deployed as a strategic weapon; the idea is
   to con customers into not committing to an existing product of the
   competition's.  It is a safe bet that when a brochureware product
   finally becomes real, it will be more expensive than and inferior
   to the alternatives that had been available for years.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:broken: adj. 1. Not working properly (of programs).  2. Behaving
   strangely; especially (when used of people) exhibiting extreme
   depression.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:broken arrow: [IBM] n. The error code displayed on line 25 of a
   3270 terminal (or a PC emulating a 3270) for various kinds of
   protocol violations and "unexpected" error conditions (including
   connection to a {down} computer).  On a PC, simulated with
   `->/_', with the two center characters overstruck.

   Note: to appreciate this term fully, it helps to know that `broken
   arrow' is also military jargon for an accident involving nuclear
   weapons....
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Broken guitar ... no strings attached!!!
%%
Broken Hearts repaired while you Sleep!
%%
Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Broken Super Stor ? .. YUK .. Gimmee broken DOS anyday.
%%
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
 -- WindowError: 008
%%
:broket: /broh'k*t/ or /broh'ket`/ [by analogy with `bracket': a
   `broken bracket'] n. Either of the characters `<' and `>',
   when used as paired enclosing delimiters.  This word
   originated as a contraction of the phrase `broken bracket', that
   is, a bracket that is bent in the middle.  (At MIT, and apparently
   in the {Real World} as well, these are usually called {angle
   brackets}.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Brontosaurus Principle:
       Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
this occurs, they are an endangered species.
 -- Thomas K. Connellan
%%
Bronze is the mirror of the form; wine, of the heart.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Frag. 384
%%
BRONZE
  The third highest medal obtainable at sporting events. Generally
  won by those athletes who go on to advertise underarm products,
  dog shampoos and toilet cleaners, rather than the more highly rated
  breakfast cereals (silver) and sneakers (gold).
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Brooklyn -- the Fertile Crescent of Civilization.
%%
Brooks Atkinson described a Schubert play as "beautiful, if you are
deaf and dumb."
%%
:Brooks's Law: prov. "Adding manpower to a late software project
   makes it later" -- a result of the fact that the expected
   advantage from splitting work among N programmers is
   O(N) (that is, proportional to N), but the complexity
   and communications cost associated with coordinating and then
   merging their work is O(N^2) (that is, proportional to the
   square of N).  The quote is from Fred Brooks, a manager of
   IBM's OS/360 project and author of "The Mythical Man-Month"
   (Addison-Wesley, 1975, ISBN 0-201-00650-2), an excellent early book
   on software engineering.  The myth in question has been most
   tersely expressed as "Programmer time is fungible" and Brooks
   established conclusively that it is not.  Hackers have never
   forgotten his advice; too often, {management} still does.  See
   also {creationism}, {second-system effect},
   {optimism}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Brother against brother!... Friend against
 friend!! DENTIST against DENTIST!!!"
 -- Things go from bad to worse in FLAMING CARROT
%%
Brother, brother! we are both in the wrong.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- The Beggar's Opera, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Brother, can you spare a meg?
%%
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.
ANOTHER MONK:    And St.  Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying O
                 Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest
                 blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. and the Lord
                 did grin and people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and
                 carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and
                 fruit bats and...
BROTHER MAYNARD: Skip a bit brother ...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Brother, said Pooh, as he called for his brother.
%%
Brother, signed Pooh, in Chinese Sign Language.
%%
Brought to you by ALLGONE-REP.
%%
Brought to you by a query.
%%
Brought to you by: Committee for a Liberal-Free America.
%%
Brought to you by High-C, the beverage of Opera singers.
%%
Brought to you by Republicans Against Social Equality!
%%
Brought to you by the Mother of all Messages.
%%
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context"
a household word
%%
Brought up in this city at the feet of Gamaliel.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts xxii, 3
%%
Brown gets mouldy if it is left out in the rain.
%%
Brown Knees.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Brown shoes
Don't make it
Quit School
Why fake it
Tee Vee dinner by the pool
Watch your brother grow a beard
...
Be a loyal plastic robot
For a world that doesn't care
Smile at every ugly
Shine on your shoes
And cut your hair
Be a jerk, go to work, be a jerk, go to work,
Do your job and do it right
 -- Frank Zappa, "Brown Shoes Don't Make It"
%%
Brown spots in the Desert - By Squat and Leavit
%%
Brown Spots on the Wall - By Who Flung Pooh
%%
"B-r-r-other!  What good is having a god around if
 you can't get any FUN out of it?"
 -- From George Perez's WONDER WOMAN
%%
:BRS: /B-R-S/ n. Syn. {Big Red Switch}.  This abbreviation is
   fairly common on-line.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bruce is too obsessed with the Beatles
 -- comment on report card from Spring '64
 -- Bruce Dumes Stratus Computer, Inc.
%%
Bruce Sterling, on computers replacing drugs as a medium for altering
consciousness and creating artificial realities:
"In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse.
It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late."
%%
BruisBaby Bop: What Barney does in his time off?
%%
Brunette to Blonde; Look, a dead bird! Blonde looks up. Where?
%%
Brush brush brush, Floss floss floss.
%%
Brushing with hasty steps the dews away,
  To meet the sun upon the upland lawn.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 25
%%
Brutal tattoo, man. What's it stand for-Heavy metal?
 --Young Lister
%%
:brute force and ignorance: n. A popular design technique at many
   software houses -- {brute force} coding unrelieved by any
   knowledge of how problems have been previously solved in elegant
   ways.  Dogmatic adherence to design methodologies tends to
   encourage this sort of thing.  Characteristic of early {larval
   stage} programming; unfortunately, many never outgrow it.  Often
   abbreviated BFI: "Gak, they used a {bubble sort}!  That's
   strictly from BFI."  Compare {bogosity}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always
 triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
%%
BRUTE, n.  See HUSBAND.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Brutus. Then I shall see thee again?
Ghost. Ay, at Philippi.
Brutus. Why, I will see thee at Philippi, then.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
BS (bee ess): n. An uninformed statement.
%%
BS: Behave Strangely
%%
BSC: Branch on Second Coming
%%
BSC: Burst Selector Channel
%%
BSD4.3 ... the *only* way to fly ...
%%
BSD: BackSpace Disk
%%
:BSD: /B-S-D/ n. [abbreviation for `Berkeley System Distribution'] a
   family of {{UNIX}} versions for the {DEC} {VAX} and PDP-11
   developed by Bill Joy and others at {Berzerkeley} starting
   around 1980, incorporating paged virtual memory, TCP/IP networking
   enhancements, and many other features.  The BSD versions (4.1, 4.2,
   and 4.3) and the commercial versions derived from them (SunOS,
   ULTRIX, and Mt. Xinu) held the technical lead in the UNIX world
   until AT&T's successful standardization efforts after about 1986,
   and are still widely popular.  See {{UNIX}}, {USG UNIX}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BSD: Unix with Berkeley enhancements.
LSD: Reality with Berkeley enhancements.
%%
BSI: Backup Sewer Immediately
%%
BSM: Branch and Scramble Memory
%%
BSO     Branch on Sleeping Operator
%%
BSP: BackSpace Punch
%%
BSR: Branch and Stomp Registers
%%
BSS: Branch on SunSpot
%%
BSST: BackSpace and Stretch Tape
%%
BTD: Branch on Time of Day
%%
BTD: Byte The Dust
%%
BTI: Blow Trumpet Immediately
%%
BTJ: Branch and Turn Japanese
%%
BTO: Branch To Oblivion
%%
BTW: Between The Words
%%
BTW, Bob, are you a grouchy old fart?
%%
BTW: Branch on Third Wednesday
%%
BTW, does Jesus know you flame?
 -- Diane Holt, [e-mail], to Ed Carp
%%
BTW...don't drink it!
%%
BTW, FWIW, IMHO, yes. OTOH, AAMOF, maybe not.
%%
BTW, The check is in the mail. Really, it is! No, I mean it!
%%
:BUAF: // [abbreviation, from alt.fan.warlord] n. Big
   Ugly ASCII Font -- a special form of {ASCII art}.  Various
   programs exist for rendering text strings into block, bloob, and
   pseudo-script fonts in cells between four and six character cells
   on a side; this is smaller than the letters generated by older
   {banner} (sense 2) programs.  These are sometimes used to render
   one's name in a {sig block}, and are critically referred to as
   `BUAF's.  See {warlording}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:BUAG: // [abbreviation, from alt.fan.warlord] n. Big Ugly
   ASCII Graphic.  Pejorative term for ugly {ASCII ART}, especially
   as found in {sig block}s.  For some reason, mutations of the
   head of Bart Simpson are particularly common in the least
   imaginative {sig block}s. See {warlording}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bubble, Bubble..Am I too late to jump the ship ??
%%
Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
%%
bubble memory n.
       A storage device developed by South Sea Memory Products Inc.
The chief advantage of bubbles over floppies is that they cannot be folded
by the mailman. Whether bubbles will ever replace the hard disk (which is
also beyond the bending power of most postal workers) depends on the
relative strength of the semiconductor and metallurgical lobbies.
%%
Bubbles in her think tank.
%%
Bubbles in the Bath - By Verewynn de Bottam
%%
"Bubbles in the pipe are like air in your veins"
 -- G. Jeanette McWilliams [e-mail]
"Cogito, Ergo Zoom"
 -- Brock Yates
%%
:bubble sort: n. Techspeak for a particular sorting technique in
   which pairs of adjacent values in the list to be sorted are
   compared and interchanged if they are out of order; thus, list
   entries `bubble upward' in the list until they bump into one with a
   lower sort value.  Because it is not very good relative to other
   methods and is the one typically stumbled on by {naive} and
   untutored programmers, hackers consider it the {canonical}
   example of a naive algorithm.  The canonical example of a really
   *bad* algorithm is {bogo-sort}.  A bubble sort might be used
   out of ignorance, but any use of bogo-sort could issue only from
   brain damage or willful perversity.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BU: Branch Unexpectedly
%%
Buccaneer: The price of corn on the cob...
%%
bucket - alternate nomenclature for female deer
%%
Buckle up baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
%%
Buckle up back there... we're going into... Hyper Active!
%%
"Buckle up, Ted, it's the Law."
 -- Seen on a sign in Florida, outside the prison
%%
Buckweiser, the king of deer.
%%
Buddhism means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
Buddhists imagine doing it.
%%
Buddy can you spare a clue?
%%
Budge doctors of the Stoic fur.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 707
%%
Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.
 -- A.A. Latimer
%%
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
%%
Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.
%%
Budget the luxuries first!  Lazarus Long
%%
Bud said,`Let there be lite' and there was Lite.
%%
BUDWEISER.CAN found. BOTTLE.RUM found. ...LOADED!
%%
Buffalo is not just the name of an animal.
%%
Buffer: A programmer who works in the nude.
%%
Buffer - Member of Whitehall gentlemans club. Alternatively, a place to
store data temporarily until a processor is ready for it.
%%
:buffer overflow: n. What happens when you try to stuff more data
   into a buffer (holding area) than it can handle.  This may be due
   to a mismatch in the processing rates of the producing and
   consuming processes (see {overrun} and {firehose syndrome}),
   or because the buffer is simply too small to hold all the data that
   must accumulate before a piece of it can be processed.  For example,
   in a text-processing tool that {crunch}es a line at a time, a
   short line buffer can result in {lossage} as input from a long
   line overflows the buffer and trashes data beyond it.  Good
   defensive programming would check for overflow on each character
   and stop accepting data when the buffer is full up.  The term is
   used of and by humans in a metaphorical sense.  "What time did I
   agree to meet you?  My buffer must have overflowed."  Or "If I
   answer that phone my buffer is going to overflow."  See also
   {spam}, {overrun screw}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
%%
Buffers=30 Files=20 4Th Quarter, 3rd Down and 5 On 15.
%%
bugaboos: inordinate fear of mountain insects.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Bug: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when
 people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
%%
:bug-compatible: adj. Said of a design or revision that has been
   badly compromised by a requirement to be compatible with
   {fossil}s or {misfeature}s in other programs or (esp.)
   previous releases of itself. "MS-DOS 2.0 used \ as a path
   separator to be bug-compatible with some cretin's choice of / as an
   option character in 1.0."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bug-for-bug compatible: n. Same as {bug-compatible}, with the
   additional implication that much tedious effort went into ensuring
   that each (known) bug was replicated.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bug free, cheap, on time, works. Pick two.
%%
Bug free, cheap, or on time. Pick two.
%%
BUG [from telephone terminology, "bugs in a telephone cable", blamed for
noisy lines.] n. An unwanted and unintended (and undesirable) property of a
program. See FEATURE.
%%
BUGGER
  Common suffix to the word "oh". May also have some sexual
  connotations, but we're not getting into all that again.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Bugger me with a fish fork.
%%
Bugger off.
%%
:buglix: /buhg'liks/ n. Pejorative term referring to {DEC}'s ULTRIX
   operating system in its earlier *severely* buggy versions.
   Still used to describe ULTRIX, but without nearly so much venom.
   Compare {AIDX}, {HP-SUX}, {Nominal Semidestructor},
   {Telerat}, {sun-stools}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bug, n.:
      An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
 -- Ray Simard
%%
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes.
%%
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
%%
Bugsbugsbugsbugsbugsbugsbugsbugsbugsbugsbugs
%%
Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight.
%%
Bugs Bunny - A rabbit with fleas.
%%
Bugs Bunny is a Hare Brain.
%%
Bugs Bunny works for the KGB.
%%
Bugs come in through open Windows.
%%
Bugs don't happen because you do something. Bugs just are.
%%
Bugs? I just programmed undocumented features!
%%
BUGS???? I'll get them....STOMP!
%%
Bugs in the teeth.
%%
Bugs, like coat hangers, breed if unobserved.
%%
Bugs, pl. n.:
 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
living girls.
%%
BUGS
Rejects any file with the string "IBM" in it.
This is  considered to be a feature by some.
 -- dvips Manual Page
%%
Bugs 'R us!
 -- Sveinar
%%
Bugs, What BBBuuugggsss?
%%
Bugs? What bugs? //\\oo//\\ //\\@@//\\
%%
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
 -- T. John Wendel
%%
Bug: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen
 for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you
 after getting your name on the mailing list.
%%
Bug - when your computer tells you 2+2=TUESDAY you have a bug. See Feature.
%%
Buick           Big Ugly Import Car Killer
%%
Buick           Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
%%
Buick           Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
%%
Buick:          Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean
%%
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door. Build
 a better door and the mice can't get in anyhow.
 -- Cal Tinney
%%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%%
Build a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a
psychopath to your door.
%%
Build a system even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
 -- Shaw's Principle
%%
Building Bigger and Better Hangovers.
%%
Building castles in the air,
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxi
%%
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers.
%%
Building inspectors do it under the table.
%%
Building the spirit of free enterprise.
%%
Build momentum by accumulating small successes.
%%
Build more prisons, but not near my house!!!!
%%
Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul,
As the swift seasons roll!
Leave thy low-vaulted past!
Let each new temple, nobler than the last,
Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast,
Till thou at length art free,
Leaving thine outgrown shell by life's unresting sea!
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Chambered Nautilus
%%
Build your reputation by helping other people build theirs.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Built for comfort, not for speed.
%%
Built God a church, and laugh'd his word to scorn.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Retirement, Line 688
%%
Bulges appeared in the fabric of space-time.  Great ugly bulges.
%%
Bulldog for sale. Will eat anything. Very fond of children.
%%
Bulldozer: A person who sleeps through the Rush Limbaugh show.
%%
Bulldozer: One who sleeps through a political speech.
%%
Bulldozer: Tagline writer taking a nap.
%%
Bulletin board:
 Mechanism to allow the socially autistic to masquerade as real people
 and communicate with one another by posting clever near-random
 commentary on a remote computer.
%%
Bulletin Broads Baud Better!
%%
Bulletin -- Bulletin -- Bulletin -- Bulletin -- Bulletin -- Bulletin
This is a Bulletin -- Bulletin -- Bulletin:
The sun did not come out this morning,  Huge cracks are appearing in
the Earth's surface, and huge rocks are falling out of the sky!
Details 20 minutes from now on Action Central News, kids.
%%
:bulletproof: adj. Used of an algorithm or implementation
   considered extremely {robust}; lossage-resistant; capable of
   correctly recovering from any imaginable exception condition -- a
   rare and valued quality.  Syn. {armor-plated}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bullets don't kill people, guns don't either, the mafia does.
%%
Bullets speak louder than reason.
%%
Bulls, as cows, are udder failures.
%%
Bulls can make money and bears can make money, but hogs just get
 slaughtered.
 -- Wall Street Adage
%%
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
 -- Augustine's Law Number X
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.
%%
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
%%
 Bullwinkle:  Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
              Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
 Rocky:       Again?
 Bullwinkle:  Nuthin' up my sleeve...  PRESTO!  (Sound of vicious
              dog barking, stops abruptly.)
 Bullwinkle:  Must have been a wrong number.
 Rocky:       Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
 -- Answering machine madness - miscellaneous
%%
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the
       outfit."
GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
 -- Jay Ward
%%
Bully! Bully!
 -- Teddy Roosevelt with John Muir at Glacier Point
%%
:bum: 1. vt. To make highly efficient, either in time or space,
   often at the expense of clarity.  "I managed to bum three more
   instructions out of that code."  "I spent half the night bumming
   the interrupt code."  In {elder days}, John McCarthy (inventor
   of {LISP}) used to compare some efficiency-obsessed hackers
   among his students to "ski bums"; thus, optimization became
   "program bumming", and eventually just "bumming".  2. To
   squeeze out excess; to remove something in order to improve
   whatever it was removed from (without changing function; this
   distinguishes the process from a {featurectomy}).  3. n. A small
   change to an algorithm, program, or hardware device to make it more
   efficient.  "This hardware bum makes the jump instruction
   faster."  Usage: now uncommon, largely superseded by v. {tune}
   (and n. {tweak}, {hack}), though none of these exactly
   capture sense 2.  All these uses are rare in Commonwealth hackish,
   because in the parent dialects of English `bum' is a rude synonym
   for `buttocks'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:bump: vt. Synonym for increment.  Has the same meaning as
   C's ++ operator.  Used esp. of counter variables, pointers, and
   index dummies in `for', `while', and `do-while'
   loops.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BumspankintoesuckinpillpopinwifecheatinfingerwagginTORIES
%%
Bungee Diving - Living it up when you're going down!
%%
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
%%
Bunnies and beer don't mix.
%%
Bunny Beer--made with more hops...
%%
Bunsen Burner:  A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
   brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling
   the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all
   the way to the company cafeteria.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
:burble: [from Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky"] v. Like {flame},
   but connotes that the source is truly clueless and ineffectual
   (mere flamers can be competent).  A term of deep contempt.
   "There's some guy on the phone burbling about how he got a DISK
   FULL error and it's all our comm software's fault."  This
   is mainstream slang in some parts of England.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bureaucarcinoma: a terminal disease which afflicts research institutions.
Braindeath occurs when the administration staff reaches 50% of total.
%%
Bureaucat:  A kitty who sleeps on your undies.
%%
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
%%
Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost
its status.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
"Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude,
 a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary"
 -- Peter's Laws
%%
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
 -- Honore de Balzac
%%
Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.
 -- Javier Pascual Salcedo
%%
Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation.
 -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%%
Bureaucracy rules OK
                  OK
                  OK
%%
Bureaucracy: That place always in need of a laxative.
%%
Bureaucrat: A Democrat who is holding some office that a Republican wants,
 or a Republican who is holding some office that a Democrat wants.
%%
Bureaucratic Cop-Out Number 1: You should have seen it when I got it!
 -- Marshall L. Smith
%%
Bureaucrat, n.:
       A person who cuts red tape sideways.
 -- J. McCabe
%%
Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.
%%
Bureaucrat (n):  Waste product produced by Politicians, see feces.
%%
Bureaucrats are the meat loaf of humanity
%%
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
%%
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state.
They merely adjust the compass.
%%
BURGLARS do it without protection
%%
:buried treasure: n. A surprising piece of code found in some
   program.  While usually not wrong, it tends to vary from {crufty}
   to {bletcherous}, and has lain undiscovered only because it was
   functionally correct, however horrible it is.  Used sarcastically,
   because what is found is anything *but* treasure.  Buried
   treasure almost always needs to be dug up and removed.  "I just
   found that the scheduler sorts its queue using {bubble sort}!
   Buried treasure!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Burke: "They all look alike."
Samno: "What about that smell?  You know only top-of-the-line models can even
  talk--"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Burma Shave.
%%
Burn a cross = hate crime. Burn a flag = free speech. Go figure!
%%
Burn a flag for freedom.
%%
Burn daylight.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Maiden Queen, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Burned, you say? Tha's most inconvenient. A burned novel is like
  a burned dog...
Oh, shut up!!
 -- Dr Johnson and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Burning down the house!
%%
Burning technicians don't smell very nice...
 -- Jim Breen, Computer Communications and Networks lecture  19/03/91
%%
Burn In, Not Out.
%%
:burn-in period: n. 1. A factory test designed to catch systems
   with {marginal} components before they get out the door; the
   theory is that burn-in will protect customers by outwaiting the
   steepest part of the {bathtub curve} (see {infant
   mortality}).  2. A period of indeterminate length in which a person
   using a computer is so intensely involved in his project that he
   forgets basic needs such as food, drink, sleep, etc.  Warning:
   Excessive burn-in can lead to burn-out.  See {hack mode},
   {larval stage}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Burnt child fire dredth.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. ii
%%
Burn the buildings and hang the professors.
 -- in response to a question on how to improve American education
%%
Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
 -- Ken Weaver
%%
Burp!......(well it COULD have been worse!)
%%
BURWOOD AVENUE, HAWTHORN: Burke Road to Burwood Road, closed to through
traffic until about mid-October.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Bury Hussein in Kimchee & Limburger!
%%
"Bury me on my face," said Diogenes; and when he was asked why, he
replied, "Because in a little while everything will be turned upside
down."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, vi
%%
Bus drivers come early and pull out on time.
%%
Bus drivers do it in transit.
%%
Bus error -- Core dumped.
%%
Bus error -- passengers dumped.
%%
Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette.
%%
Bush and Gorbachev decided to get themselves frozen for a hundred years to see
how the current political situation resolved itself. After the time was up
they were thawed, and started to read newspapers to catch up on the situation.

Gorbachev started to laugh. In response to Bush's question he said, "I see that
the dollar is still getting weaker."

Then Bush started to laugh. In response to Gorbachev's question of why, he
said, "I read that there is renewed fighting on the German-Chinese border."
%%
Bush has it backwards -- abortion is surgical; bombing is murder.
 -- sign at anti-war march
%%
Bushido does not mean what it sounds like.
%%
Bush:  Like Reagan without the acting ability!
%%
Bush Lite:
  Less Capital gains, More Domestic Policy.
%%
"Bush?  OK, he's experienced, but he's never going
 to be a GREAT liar. He can hardly bamboozle Dan
 Rather.  How's he going to do up against
 bloodthirsty, power-mad dictator, like Margaret
 Thatcher?"
 -- A. Whitney Brown
%%
BUSHPILOTS do it out of sight.........
%%
Bush/Quayle ERROR! Division by Zero encountered.
%%
Bush??? Read my tagline "Not gonna do it."
%%
Bush says "No new taxes!", Clinton says, "No, NEW taxes!"
%%
Bush's BIG mistake: Believing the Democrats.
%%
[Bush] so loves the Constitution that he overflows with ideas for
improving it.
 -- Conservative columnist George F. Will
%%
Bush.sys corrupt, recommend optimizing politics
%%
Bush: The only President to have a league named after him!
%%
[Bush] wants to know why can't he have initiatives to present to the
public.
 -- A GOP strategist, 1992
%%
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
%%
Bushydo--The way of the shrub. BONSAI!
%%
Busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest
%%
`Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. `Mankind was my
business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy,
forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my
trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my
business!'
 -- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
%%
Businesses and people with goals realize that public opinion is
 important and should not be left to the public.
 -- A national fraternity's PR guide
%%
Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no
 other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure.
%%
Business ethics
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Business Graphics - Popular with managers who understand neither decimals,
   fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI but have more than a passing
   acquaintance with pies and bars.
 -- From the Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 Issue
%%
Business has only two basic functions marketing and innovation.
 -- Peter Drucker
%%
Business is Business
Time is Money
Love is Bullshit
%%
Business is like oil, it won't mix with anything but business.
%%
Business is supposed to be service for a profit, at a risk. Often it simply
 comes down to simple swindling.
%%
BUSINESSMEN screw you the best they can.
%%
Business will be either better or worse.
 -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer
point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
 -- John Corcoran
%%
Bus stop rat bag: hah, hah!   Charade you are...
 -- Pink Floyd
%%
Buster my pup...
%%
bus topology -- the scientific study of bus stops.
%%
Busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Timothy v, 13
%%
Busy Day? Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat.
%%
Busy little fingers leads to trouble...
%%
:busy-wait: vi. Used of human behavior, conveys that the subject is
   busy waiting for someone or something, intends to move instantly as
   soon as it shows up, and thus cannot do anything else at the
   moment.  "Can't talk now, I'm busy-waiting till Bill gets off the
   phone."

   Technically, `busy-wait' means to wait on an event by
   {spin}ning through a tight or timed-delay loop that polls for
   the event on each pass, as opposed to setting up an interrupt
   handler and continuing execution on another part of the task.  This
   is a wasteful technique, best avoided on time-sharing systems where
   a busy-waiting program may {hog} the processor.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
But after you have gone, I'll still have chocolate.
%%
But, alas, to make me
A fixed figure for the time of scorn
To point his slow unmoving finger
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
But all have prices,
From crowns to kicks, according to their vices.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto v, Stanza 27
%%
But all in good time.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. xxxvi
%%
But all that ANSI on your login screens hangs my software up...
%%
But all thing which that shineth as the gold
Ne is no gold, as I have herd it told.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Chanones Yemannes Tale, Line 16430
%%
But all was false and hollow; though his tongue
Dropp'd manna, and could make the worse appear
The better reason,
Maturest counsels.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 112
%%
"But a machine that was powerful enough to accelerate particles to the grand
unification energy would have to be as big as the Solar System -- and would
be unlikely to be funded in the present economic climate."
 -- Stephen Hawking "A Brief History of Time"
%%
        ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
      Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
  But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
 -- "The Begatting of a President"
%%
But an old age serene and bright, And lovely as a Lapland night,
Shall lead thee to thy grave.
 -- Wordsworth
%%
But are you not, he said, a more fiendish disputant than the Great
 Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic
 and Indefatigable?

The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler, said Deep Thought,
 thoroughly rolling the r's, could talk all four legs off an Arcturan
 Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward.
 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
But Aristarchus of Samos brought out a book consisting of certain
hypotheses, in which the premises lead to the conclusion that the
universe is many times greater than that now so called.  His hypotheses
are that the fixed stars and the sun remain motionless, that the earth
revolves about the sun in the circumference of a circle, the sun lying
in the middle of the orbit, and that the sphere of the fixed stars,
situated about the same center as the sun, is so great that the circle
in which he supposes the earth to revolve bears such a proportion
to the distance of the fixed stars as the center of the sphere bears
to its surface.
 -- Archimedes, The Sand-Reckoner, Third Century B.C.
%%
But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common
 objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp!  You towel!  You
 plate!" and so on.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
But a short time elapsed after the death of the great reformer of the
Jewish religion, before his principles were departed from by those who
professed to be his special servants, and perverted into an engine for
enslaving mankind, and aggrandizing t heir oppressors in Church and
State.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, [letter?] To S. Kercheval, 1810
%%
But as some muskets so contrive it
As oft to miss the mark they drive at,
And though well aimed at duck or plover,
Bear wide, and kick their owners over.
 -- John Trumbull (1750-1831)
 -- McFingal, Canto i, Line 93
%%
But as when an authentic watch is shown,
Each man winds up and rectifies his own,
So in our very judgments.
 -- Sir John Suckling (1609-1641)
 -- Aglaura, Epilogue
%%
"But as you all know, and as fate would have it, I didn't die.
I landed on the top of a police car. And he died. ... You gotta sing
it with that kind of enthusiasm.  Like you just squashed a cop..."
 -- Arlo Guthrie
%%
But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%%
But Beeblebrox you know, he is one of my most profitable clients.  He has
personality problems beyond the dreams of analysts.

Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know?
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
But be not afraid of greatness: some are born great,
some achieve greatness, and some have greatness
thrust upon 'em.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act ii, Sc. 5
%%
But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition
of repetitions.
 -- D. H. Lawrence
%%
But, boss, this IS part of my job!
%%
But..but... I WAS on topic--for another conference, sure, but...
%%
"But Calvin is no kind and loving god!  He's one of
the _old_ gods!  He demands sacrifice!"
 -- Calvin & Hobbes
%%
But Captain--the engines can't take this much longer!
%%
Butchers have better meat.
%%
But, children, you should never let
  Such angry passions rise;
Your little hands were never made
  To tear each other's eyes.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xvi
%%
But Chrysippus, Posidonius, Zeno, and Boethus say, that all things
are produced by fate. And fate is a connected cause of existing things,
or the reason according to which the world is regulated.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Zeno, lxxiv
%%
But Cristes lore, and his apostles twelve,
He taught; but first he folwed it himselve.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 529
%%
But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged.
 -- Albert Camus (1913-1960)
 -- The Myth of Sisyphus (1955)
%%
But, did you see that with your eyes open?
%%
But does Bo know double diamonds?
%%
"But don't take my word for it.  Let's ask an actor playing Charles Darwin
what he thinks!"
 -- The Simpsons
%%
But don't tell my Borg, my Achy breaky Borg.
%%
But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.
The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused
with the spiritual for all its solidity.
 -- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice
%%
But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
paws.
%%
But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd
Than that which withering on the virgin thorn
Grows, lives, and dies in single blessedness.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
"But even though they probably certainly know that you probably
 wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't
 there's no probability that you certainly would."
 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby on nuclear deterrence
%%
... but everyone knew her as Nancy.
%%
But evil is wrought by want of thought,
As well as want of heart.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- The Lady's Dream
%%
But Faith, fanatic Faith, once wedded fast
To some dear falsehood, hugs it to the last.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Lalla Rookh, The Veiled Prophet of Khorassan
%%
 ... But far in the distance, on the edge of the earth, a small flame
was waving in the wind, the defiantly stubborn flame of Wyatt's Torch,
twisting, being torn and regaining its hold, not to be uprooted or
extinguished.  It seemed to be calling and waiting for the words John
Galt was now to pronounce.  'The road is cleared,' said Galt.  'We are
going back to the world.'
     He raised his hand, and over the desolate earth he traced in space
the sign of the dollar.
%%
But felt through all this fleshly dress
Bright shoots of everlastingness.
 -- Henry Vaughan (1621-1695)
 -- The Retreat
%%
But first, are you experienced?
 -- Jimi Hendrix
%%
But flies an eagle flight, bold and forth on,
Leaving no tract behind.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
But for the Grace of God goes Danny.
%%
But for the unquiet heart and brain
  A use in measured language lies;
  The sad mechanic exercise
Like dull narcotics numbing pain.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, v, Stanza 2
%%
But for your words, they rob the Hybla bees,
And leave them honeyless.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
But from the hoop's bewitching round,
Her very shoe has power to wound.
 -- Edward Moore (1712-1757)
 -- The Spider and the Bee, Fable x
%%
...but glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion
 of integrity.
 -- Neil Peart
%%
But God TOLD me to use a GOTO.
%%
But God, who is able to prevail, wrestled with him; marked him for his own.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- Life of Donne
%%
But happily to most of us the great brown slabs bening over into space, the
lines and curves of the wind-moulded cornice, the delicate undulations of the
fissured snow, are old and trusted friends, ever luring us to health and fun
and laughter, and enabling us to bid a sturdy defiance to all the ills that
time and life oppose.
 -- A. F. Mummery
%%
But he lay like a warrior taking his rest,
  With his martial cloak around him.
 -- Charles Wolfe (1791-1823)
 -- The Burial of Sir John Moore
%%
But, he's MUCH cuter when he pouts.
%%
But he whose inborn worth his acts commend,
Of gentle soul, to human race a friend.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xix, Line 383
%%
But Honey, I need TWO 486's!
%%
But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!
%%
But honey, we can afford it, I sold your car.
%%
But Honey, you NEED VGA for Dbase management!
%%
But Hope, the charmer, linger'd still behind.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Pleasures of Hope, Part i, Line 40
%%
But how carve way i' the life that lies before,
If bent on groaning ever for the past?
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Balaustion's Adventure
%%
But how is this legal plunder to be identified? Quite simply. See
if the law takes from some persons what belongs to them, and gives
it to other persons to whom it does not belong. See if the law benefits
one citizen at the expense of another by doing what the citizen himself
cannot do without committing a crime.
 -- Frederic Bastiat, The Law
%%
"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
"Tell 'em I lied."
%%
But hush! hark! a deep sound strikes like a rising knell!
Did ye not hear it?--No! 't was but the wind,
Or the car rattling o'er the stony street.
On with the dance! let joy be unconfined;
No sleep till morn, when Youth and Pleasure meet
To chase the glowing hours with flying feet.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 22
%%
But I am constant as the northern star,
Of whose true-fix'd and resting quality
There is no fellow in the firmament.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
But I am here!   I am Dune!
 -- Noah, ARK IN SPACE
%%
But I be a cat, and no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer.
%%
BUTI: Blow Up Terminal Immediately
%%
"But I can't excuse that FLASH GORDON review.  That
 was the *dumbest* movie ever made."
 -- A fan of Baron's who can't excuse just *one* little thing
%%
But I did read the docs!  I just didn't understand them.
%%
But I DID read the manual...
%%
But I did read the msgs,...I just don't understand them.
%%
But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
%%
But I don't like Spam!
%%
But I don't like the cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!
%%
"But I'd rather eat Johnson!"
 -- Monty Python
%%
But if a man happens to find himself ... he has a mansion which he
can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life.
%%
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
%%
But I got out of my uniform for you Data.
 -- Yar, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
"But I guess I'm just stating the very obvious
 (shutup, Penny, shutup!)."
 -- Penny Priddy in "Buckaroo Banzai"
%%
"But I guess nobody gets to live happily ever after anymore, do they?"
 -- Abby in SWAMP THING
%%
But I have seen the science I worshiped and the airplane I loved
destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.
 -- Charles A. Lindbergh, Jr.
%%
But I have sinuous shells of pearly hue
Within, and they that lustre have imbibed
In the sun's palace-porch, where when unyoked
His chariot-wheel stands midway in the wave:
Shake one, and it awakens; then apply
Its polisht lips to your attentive ear,
And it remembers its august abodes,
And murmurs as the ocean murmurs there.
 -- Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864)
 -- Gebir, Book i, (1798)
%%
But I have that within which passeth show;
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you
as...people I met.
 -- Rimmer, making his goodbyes in Red Dwarf 'Holoship'
%%
"But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are
uttering libel in the eyes of the law, and
there lies the glory and the wonder of it.
The greatest schemer of all time, the
organizer of every devilry, the controlling
brain of the underworld.... That's the man."
 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"
%%
But in deede,
A friend is never knowne till a man have neede.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
But in modern war...you will die like a dog for no good reason.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
%%
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
But in the way of bargain, mark ye me,
I 'll cavil on the ninth part of a hair.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
But in vayne shee did conjure him
  To depart her presence soe;
Having a thousand tongues to allure him,
  And but one to bid him goe.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Dulcina
%%
But I received the operational signal again!
%%
But is not an event in fact more significant and noteworthy
the greater the number of fortuities necessary to bring it about?
Chance alone has a message for us....We read its message much as
gypsies read the images made by coffee grounds.
 -- Kundera
%%
"But isn't there some other way to call him?"
  "At least a dozen."
"Then WHY?"
  "To let them know, Merkel, to let EVERYONE know.  Hit it."
 -- Commissioner Gordon talks about re-lighting the Bat-Signal
 -- from Miller's DARK KNIGHT
%%
But is such a thing fit to be discovered to the people?
shall I do such an unworthy Act?  Ah! my pen falls out of my
hand.  Yet my desire to help posterity, overcomes; for perhaps
from this gleaning as it were, greater and more admirable
inventions may be produced.
 -- Giambattista Della Porta, Natural Magick
%%
But it's a sad reminder when your organ grinder has to come to you for the
 rent, and all you've got to give him is the use of your sideshow tent.
 -- Mark Knopfler
%%
But it's not against any religion / To want to dispose of a pigeon
%%
But it's only a flesh wound.
%%
But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected...
%%
But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected...
  we may not be able to break it, but, I'll bet you
  credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
 -- deSalle, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
%%
But it's so easy to confuse YOU.
%%
But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm lv, 15
%%
But I !!WANT!! the two in the bush...
%%
But I warn you, if you get hurt, I'll put you on report, Captain.
 -- Riker,  "Code of Honor", stardate 41235.25
%%
But I was going to go into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!
 -- Luke Skywalker to his Uncle (Star Wars)
%%
But I was just getting interested!
%%
But John P.
Robinson, he
Sez they did n't know everythin' down in Judee.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, First Series, No. iii
%%
But John, when the Pirates of the Carribbean breaks down, the pirates don't
eat the tourists.
 -- Ian Malcolm, _Jurassic Park_
%%
But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page,
  Rich with the spoils of time, did ne'er unroll;
Chill penury repress'd their noble rage,
  And froze the genial current of the soul.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 13
%%
Butler: A solemn procession of one.
 -- P. G. Wodehouse
%%
But let a lord once own the happy lines,
How the wit brightens! how the style refines!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 220
%%
But life is sweet, though all that makes it sweet
Lessen like sound of friends' departing feet;
And Death is beautiful as feet of friend
Coming with welcome at our journey's end.
For me Fate gave, whate'er she else denied,
A nature sloping to the southern side;
I thank her for it, though when clouds arise
Such natures double-darken gloomy skies.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- To George William Curtis
%%
"But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!"
 -- Firesign Theatre, Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers
%%
But love is blind, and lovers cannot see
The pretty follies that themselves commit.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 6
%%
But Ma, Johnny has all of his doors registered!
%%
But man, proud man,
Drest in a little brief authority,
Most ignorant of what he 's most assured,
His glassy essence, like an angry ape,
Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven
As make the angels weep.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
But Memory blushes at the sneer,
  And Honor turns with frown defiant,
And Freedom, leaning on her spear,
  Laughs louder than the laughing giant.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- A Good Time going
%%
But mice and rats, and such small deer,
Have been Tom's food for seven long year.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
But 'midst the crowd, the hum, the shock of men,
To hear, to see, to feel, and to possess,
And roam along, the world's tired denizen,
With none who bless us, none whom we can bless.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 26
%%
But MOM, it 'really' WAS a virus!
%%
But Mom, you NEED 1024x768x256 for word proccessing!
%%
But, my dearest Agathon, it is truth which you cannot contradict; you can
without any difficulty contradict Socrates.
 -- Plato
 -- Symposium
%%
But my dear man, reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know.
 -- Alan Watts
%%
But my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.
%%
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
%%
But my lord! I've been in your family since 1532!
...So has syphilis. Now get out.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer
%%
  But 'neath yon crimson tree
Lover to listening maid might breathe his flame,
Nor mark, within its roseate canopy,
  Her blush of maiden shame.
 -- William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)
 -- Autumn Woods
%%
But ne'er the rose without the thorn.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- The Rose
%%
But now I am cabin'd, cribb'd, confined, bound in
To saucy doubts and fears.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
"But now I am what I am today!  A responsible
 citizen, and besides that... I packs a rod!"
 -- BULLET CROW discusses gun control
%%
"But now it's time to say good-bye.  Please get off my property until next
year.  I suggest you don't dawdle - the hounds will be released in ten
minutes."
 -- Mr. Burns in "There's No Disgrace Like Home", from The Simpsons
%%
But now my task is smoothly done,
I can fly, or I can run.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 1012
%%
But oars alone can ne'er prevail
  To reach the distant coast;
The breath of heaven must swell the sail,
  Or all the toil is lost.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Human Frailty
%%
But of course, it *is* only my opinion.
%%
But, officer, I only had two beers.
%%
But, Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was
green!
%%
But, officer, I was doing the speed limit!  In hexadecimal!
%%
But, officer, I was only going 10 MIPS!
%%
But, officer, I was only going ONE way!
%%
But, officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.
%%
But, officer, the stop sign was green when I went through it.
%%
But, Officer the Tree didn't give way to the Right..
%%
But oftentimes celestial benedictions
  Assume this dark disguise.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Resignation
%%
But oh! as to embrace me she inclin'd,
I wak'd, she fled, and day brought back my night.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- On his Deceased Wife
%%
But, oh! fell death's untimely frost
  That nipt my flower sae early.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Highland Mary
%%
But oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand,
  And the sound of a voice that is still!
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Break, break, break
%%
But oh the heavy change, now thou art gone,
Now thou art gone and never must return!
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 37
%%
But oh, the perils of leadership in a species so anxious to
 be told what to do. How little they know of what they create by
 their demands. Leaders make mistakes. And these mistakes,
 amplified by the numbers who follow without questioning, move
 inevitably towards great disaster.
%%
But, oh ye lords of ladies intellectual,
Inform us truly,--have they not henpeck'd you all?
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 22
%%
But on and up, where Nature's heart
  Beats strong amid the hills.
 -- Richard Monckton Milnes (Lord Houghton) (1809-1885)
 -- Tragedy of the Lac de Gaube, Stanza 2
%%
But one thing is needful; and Mary hath chosen that good part which
shall not be taken away from her.
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke x, 42
%%
"But only the wind picked him up, and blew him away into the Arizona skies.
 And, I hope, to a better place.

"Rio, maybe."
  "MR. JONES!"
"Well, I didn't want to sound too maudlin."
 -- Rick Jones from the same issue of THE HULK
%%
But optics sharp it needs, I ween,
To see what is not to be seen.
 -- John Trumbull (1750-1831)
 -- McFingal, Canto i, Line 67
%%
But, O Sarah ! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen
around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest
days and the darkest nights...always, always, and if there be a soft
breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans
you throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.  Sarah, do not
mourn me dead: think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet
again.
 -- Major Sullivan Ballou, Union Army,
       from a letter to his wife.
%%
But our culture is in truly bad shape if we have come to define respecting
something as the failure to set it on fire.
 -- Barbara Ehrenreich (regarding flag burning)
%%
But, O, what damned minutes tells he o'er
Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet strongly
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
But pleasures are like poppies spread,
You seize the flower, its bloom is shed;
Or, like the snow-fall in the river,
A moment white, then melts forever.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Tam o' Shanter
%%
But quiet to quick bosoms is a hell.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 42
%%
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?
 -- 2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)
%%
 ... But reach the thought that it requires -- and the secret of the
motor will be yours, as well as ... any other secret you might wish
to know.
 -- John Galt
%%
But really, it was EXACTLY the same as before...
%%
But sad as angels for the good man's sin,
Weep to record, and blush to give it in.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Pleasures of Hope, Part ii, Line 357
%%
But Santa, Naughty IS Nice!
%%
But say my verses do not scan,
     And I get me another man!
%%
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Microbe"
%%
But Shadwell never deviates into sense.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Mac Flecknoe, Line 20
%%
But Shakespeare's magic could not copied be;
Within that circle none durst walk but he.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Tempest, Prologue
%%
But she looked good in ribbons...
%%
But she sure looks fine after a bottle of wine.
%%
But since he had
The genius to be loved, why let him have
The justice to be honoured in his grave.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- Crowned and buried, xxvii
%%
But *sir*, the odds of surviving a direct assault on an Imperial
Stardestroyer--
SHUT UP!
 -- C3P0 to Han Solo (Star Wars)
%%
"But, sir, the people themselves have it in their power effectually
to resist usurpation, without being driven to an appeal of arms.
An act of usurpation is not obligatory; it is not law; and any man
may be justified in his resistance.  Let him be considered as a criminal
by the general government, yet only his fellow-citizens can convict him;
they are his jury, and if they pronounce him innocent, not all the powers
of Congress can hurt him; and innocent they certainly will pronounce him,
if the supposed law he resisted was an act of usurpation."
 -- Theophilus Parsons, in the Massachusetts Convention
 -- on the ratification of the U.S.  Constitution
 -- [Jonathan Elliot, ed., "The Debates of the Several State Conventions
 -- on the Adoption of the Federal Constitution",
 -- (New York, Burt Franklin:  1888), 2:94 ]
%%
But so fair,
She takes the breath of men away
Who gaze upon her unaware.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- Bianca among the Nightingales, xii
%%
But, soft! methinks I scent the morning air;
Brief let me be. Sleeping within my orchard,
My custom always of the afternoon.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
%%
But some emotions don't make a lot of noise.  It's hard to hear pride.
Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat.  And pure love - why, some
days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
But soon, soon, soon... the world will be a better place, with meadows
and bunnies and fiber optics in every home...
 -- Tom Dowdy, Apple Computer
%%
But sorrow return'd with the dawning of morn,
And the voice in my dreaming ear melted away.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- The Soldier's Dream
%%
But, spite of all the criticising elves,
Those who would make us feel--must feel themselves.
 -- Charles Churchill (1731-1764)
 -- The Rosciad, Line 961
%%
But strive still to be a man before your mother.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Connoisseur, Motto of No. iii
%%
   "But... surely, your merciful Holiness...
    SOME should be exempt from such a draft?"
"EXEMPT?!
 ...
 Oh, all *right*. No DEAD people."
 -- Cerebus
%%
But sure the eye of time beholds no name
So blest as thine in all the rolls of fame.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xi, Line 591
%%
"Butter becomes weightless?.... Raymond Burr must be in orbit by now."
 -- Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat!, (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)
%%
Butterfliers are free
%%
"...but that is another story. As far as we knew, we were
living happily everafter."
 -- Royal Robbins
%%
"... but that's not important, that's just numbers."
 -- Dr. Wu,  Math Professor
%%
But that's not the point!  The point is that I am now a perfectly safe
penguin, and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs!
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
"But that's the way of *all* flesh, ennit?"
 -- John Constantine, boy psychic investigator
%%
But that's what being an artist is -- feeling crummy before everyone else
feels crummy.
 -- The New Yorker
%%
But that two-handed engine at the door
Stands ready to smite once, and smite no more.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 130
%%
Butthead : Men who feel... themselves (ha.ha.huh).
%%
.......but the breadboard worked
 -- Anonymous Customer
%%
But the chances are that you will get nowhere with your spy scare. You have to
have a bigger territory to work in. That's one of the advantages of being a
government instead of just a private liar.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
But the cow CHIP is organic....
%%
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that
 all who are laughed at are geniuses.  They laughed at Columbus, they
 laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers.  But they also
 laughed at Bozo the Clown.
 -- Carl Sagan
%%
But the fool on the hill sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head see the world spinning 'round
%%
But the greatest of all reformers of the depraved religion of his own
country was Jesus of Nazareth.  Abstracting what is really his from the
rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the
dross of his biographers, and as separable as the diamond from the
dunghill, we have the outlines of a system of the most sublime morality
which has ever fallen from the lips of man; outlines which it is
lamentable he did not live to fill up...  The establishment of the
innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the
rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from
artificial systems*, invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a
single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object...
 *eg.  The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation
of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible
ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original
sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, Letter to William Short, October 31 (Halloween), 1819
%%
But the idols of the Market Place are the most troublesome of all: idols
which have crept into the understanding through their alliances with words
and names. For men believe that their reason governs words. But words turn
and twist the understanding. This it is that has rendered philosophy and
the sciences inactive. Words are mostly cut to the common fashion and draw
the distinctions which are most obvious to the common understanding.
Whenever an understanding of greater acuteness or more diligent observation
would alter those lines to suit the true distinctions of nature, words
complain.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
But the jingling of the guinea helps the hurt that Honour feels.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Locksley Hall, Line 105
%%
but the kind of man that the country turns out.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
But then - a baby is not an adult, either.
%%
But then again, Holland is a country where you buy your marihuana at a
coffee-shop, your porn mags & video's at a petrol-station and hamburgers at
an electronics store, so whadja want?
 -- Ralph 'Hairy' Moonen, AT&T, Holland(?)
%%
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
%%
"But then a new problem came up: the Jupiter probe, Galileo, was going to
 use a power supply that runs on heat generated by radioactivity. If the
 shuttle carrying Galileo failed, radioactivity could be spread over a
 large area."
 -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988),
 -- "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
%%
But then her face, So lovely, yet so arch, so full of mirth,
the overflowings of an innocent heart.
 -- Rogers
%%
But then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
 -- The Monkeys
%%
But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to
venture a little way past them into the impossible.
 -- Arthur C. Clarke (1917-)
 -- Profiles of the Future (1962; rev. 1973)
 -- "Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination"
%%
 ... But the pain remained -- and a helpless wonder.  The thing he
saw was so much more real than the reality of paper, office and
commission.  He could not understand what made others blind to it,
and what made their indifference possible.  He looked at the paper
before him.  He wondered why ineptitude should exist and have its
say.  He had never known that.  And the reality which permitted it
could never become quite real to him.
%%
But the palindrome of Bolton is Notlob..it doesn't work, does it?
 -- Monty Python
%%
But there are no old, bold pilots.
%%
But there are wanderers o'er Eternity
Whose bark drives on and on, and anchor'd ne'er shall be.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 70
%%
But there 's nothing half so sweet in life
  As love's young dream.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Love's Young Dream
%%
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
of knuckles.
 -- Harlan Ellison
%%
But the sound of the church-going bell
  These valleys and rocks never heard;
Ne'er sigh'd at the sound of a knell,
  Or smiled when a Sabbath appear'd.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Verses supposed to be written by Alexander Selkirk
%%
But the sunshine aye shall light the sky,
  As round and round we run;
And the truth shall ever come uppermost,
  And justice shall be done.
 -- Charles Mackay (1814-1889)
 -- Eternal Justice, Stanza 4
%%
But the tender grace of a day that is dead
  Will never come back to me.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Break, break, break
%%
But the trail of the serpent is over them all.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Paradise and the Peri
%%
But the TREK echo is about business travel, boss.
%%
But they that are above
Have ends in everything.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- The Maid's Tragedy, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
But thinks, admitted to that equal sky,
His faithful dog shall bear him company.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 111
%%
But this denoted a foregone conclusion.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a
kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I
explained yet about the bytes?
%%
But this is my sister's bike!
%%
But this is the simplified version for the general
public!
%%
But this one goes to eleven.
 -- Nigel Tufnel
%%
But thousands die without or this or that,--
Die, and endow a college or a cat.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle iii, Line 95
%%
But thy eternal summer shall not fade.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet xviii
%%
But Titus said, with his uncommon sense,
When the Exclusion Bill was in suspense:
"I hear a lion in the lobby roar;
Say, Mr. Speaker, shall we shut the door
And keep him there, or shall we let him in
To try if we can turn him out again?"
 -- James Bramston (-1744)
 -- Art of Politics
%%
BUTTman: Sure would like to give him a swift kick in his!
%%
But to my mind, though I am native here
And to the manner born, it is a custom
More honoured in the breach than the observance.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
But to see her was to love her,
Love but her, and love forever.
For nature made her what she is,
and ne'er made sic anither!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Ae Fond Kiss
%%
But to the hero, when his sword
  Has won the battle for the free,
Thy voice sounds like a prophet's word;
And in its hollow tones are heard
  The thanks of millions yet to be.
 -- Fitz-Greene Halleck (1790-1867)
 -- Marco Bozzaris
%%
But touch me, and no minister so sore;
Whoe'er offends at some unlucky time
Slides into verse, and hitches in a rhyme,
Sacred to ridicule his whole life long,
And the sad burden of some merry song.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Satire i, Book ii, Line 76
%%
buttress: outer garment specially designed for a woman with a large posterior.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
But 't was a maxim he had often tried,
That right was right, and there he would abide.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- Tale xv, The Squire and the Priest
%%
"...But until you get your eyes checked by the Eerie school nurse, you
 ain't seen nothing yet."
 -- Marshall, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana
%%
But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise
with healing in his wings.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Malachi iv, 2
%%
But wait, there's more!  If you order by midnight tonight,
 we'll throw in a matching set of steak knives absolutely free!!
 ... Now how much would you pay?
%%
But war 's a game which were their subjects wise
Kings would not play at.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book v, The Winter Morning Walk, Line 187
%%
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"But we'll never survive!"  "Nonsense.  You're only saying that because
 no one ever has."
%%
But we're still heading for the biggest bang in history.
 -- Sarah Jane Smith, REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN
%%
... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
 -- Virginia Masters
%%
But we, who name ourselves its sovereigns, we,
Half dust, half deity, alike unfit
To sink or soar.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Manfred, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
          But what am I?
  An infant crying in the night:
  An infant crying for the light,
And with no language but a cry.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, liv, Stanza 5
%%
But what does piercing your nipple have to do with driving your VW?
%%
... but what has been said once can always be repeated.
 -- Zeno of Elia
%%
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
%%
But what is woman? -- only one of Nature's more agreeable blunders.
 -- Hannah Cowley (1743-1809)
%%
But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and
each moment is a day, and the race a life.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Sybil, Book i, Chap. ii
%%
But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?
%%
... But when he [the people's champion] has disposed of foreign
enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them,
then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the
people may require a leader.
 -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), "The Republic"
%%
But when ill indeed,
E'en dismissing the doctor don't always succeed.
 -- George Colman, the Younger (1762-1836)
 -- Lodgings for Single Gentlemen
%%
    But when I said that nothing had been done I erred in one important
matter.  We had definitely committed ourselves and were halfway out of
our ruts.  We had put down our passage money--booked a sailing to
Bombay.  This may sound too simple, but is great in consequence.  Until
one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always
ineffectiveness.  Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),
there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless
ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits
oneself, the providence moves too.  A whole stream of events issues
from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen
incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have
dreamt would have come his way.  I have learned a deep respect for one
of Goethe's couplets:
    Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
    Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
But when I tell him he hates flatterers,
He says he does, being then most flattered.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
But when shall spring visit the mouldering urn?
Oh when shall it dawn on the night of the grave?
 -- James Beattie (1735-1803)
 -- The Hermit
%%
But when the first shot hit the dock, I started runnin'
%%
But when the sun in all his state
  Illumed the eastern skies,
She passed through Glory's morning-gate,
  And walked in Paradise.
 -- James Aldrich (1810-1856)
 -- A Death-Bed
%%
But where do all the calculators go? -- Kryten
%%
But where's the disposable crewman?
%%
But whether there's some grand design really matters little to me. My only
hope was this: to see what might be, to believe that it should be, and then to
do all I could to bring it to pass, whatever the cost. When a life spins out
as joyfully as mine has done, then the price, once paid so painfully, is now
recalled in gladness. I have received full value. Here among the shepherds, my
cup is filled with the water of life; it overflows.
 -- Orson Scott Card, "Treason"
%%
But which one is the fatherboard?
%%
But whither am I strayed? I need not raise
Trophies to thee from other men's dispraise;
Nor is thy fame on lesser ruins built;
Nor needs thy juster title the foul guilt
Of Eastern kings, who, to secure their reign,
Must have their brothers, sons, and kindred slain.
 -- Sir John Denham (1615-1668)
 -- On Mr. John Fletcher's Works
%%
But who can paint
Like Nature? Can imagination boast,
Amid its gay creation, hues like hers?
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Spring, Line 465
%%
But who is this, what thing of sea or land,--
Female of sex it seems,--
That so bedeck'd, ornate, and gay,
Comes this way sailing
Like a stately ship
Of Tarsus, bound for th' isles
Of Javan or Gadire,
With all her bravery on, and tackle trim,
Sails fill'd, and streamers waving,
Courted by all the winds that hold them play,
An amber scent of odorous perfume
Her harbinger?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Samson Agonistes, Line 710
%%
But why do I need a gun license? It's only for use around the house.
 -- Charles Addams
%%
But wild Ambition loves to slide, not stand,
And Fortune's ice prefers to Virtue's land.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 198
%%
But Windows bashing is my job...my only job.
%%
But words are things, and a small drop of ink,
  Falling like dew upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iii, Stanza 88
%%
But yesterday the word of Caesar might
Have stood against the world; now lies he there,
And none so poor to do him reverence.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
But yet the pity of it, Iago! O Iago, the pity of it, Iago!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Butyl:   An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-
   smelling alcohol.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
But yonder comes the powerful king of day,
Rejoicing in the east.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Summer, Line 81
%%
But you can't let her drive!  She's legally blonde!
%%
But you don't have to pray to a little tin god...
%%
"But you don't UNDERSTAND. I've been doing this for years now.  There's a
 flash of light.  And I'm on another planet."
  "Yeah... Yeah, I
   sometimes get that."
 -- Adam Strange attempts to explain his lifestyle,
               in SWAMP THING
%%
But you misunderstand, I am the MASTER....
%%
"But your creed, your ethos... it was one of your most appealing features."
  "You know, Larry, sometimes I say things... and afterwards, I can't
   remember saying them."
 -- The Yak and The Badger debate philosophy
%%
But you're still of the same nature.
%%
.......but your salesman said...........
 -- Anonymous Customer
%%
But you shall not escape my iambics.
%%
But you thaid is was a pith helmet!
%%
Buy a goldfish bowl and fill it up.  Stick your head in it for practice.
The goldfish are optional.
 -- More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Buy a HST and keep Ma Bell in business!
%%
Buy a IBM. It can do SOMETHING right.
%%
Buy a kid a $50 toy, and he'll play with the box.
%%
Buy a Mac. It can do SOMETHING right.
%%
Buy!  Amdahl Stock to go up 100 points next week.
%%
Buy American the job you save may be your own
%%
BUY AMERICAN! (This tagline made in Japan)
%%
Buy American, where?
%%
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
%%
Buy a self-help guide for recovering worshipers.
%%
Buy BUY$$$$$$
%%
Buying cigarettes becomes an interview now. I said to the salesgirl in back
 of the counter, "I'd like a carton of cigarettes." She said, "There are so
 many brands, what would you like?" I said, "Give me a carton of Brand X,
 they're not doing too good." She said, "Soft pack or the crush-proof box?"
 "Soft pack." "King size or regular?" "King size." "Filter tip or plain?"
 "Filter tip." "Menthol or mint?" "Menthol." "Is this cash or credit?" I
 said, "Forget it, I broke the habit!"
 -- Bob Melvin
%%
Buy in haste, repair at leisure.
%%
Buy Land Now. It's Not Being Made Any More.
%%
Buy land.   They've stopped making it.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Buy low, sell high.
%%
Buy more, and be happy.
 -- THX 1138
%%
Buy my flowers,--oh buy, I pray!
  The blind girl comes from afar.
 -- Edward Bulwer Lytton (1805-1873)
 -- Buy my Flowers
%%
Buy old masters. They fetch a much better price than old mistresses.
 -- Lord Beaverbrook
%%
"Buy one, get one flea."
 -- Japanese Pet Store
%%
Buy one, get one free?  Does it have to be in that order?
%%
Buy one omnipotent being, get one free   Q-PON
%%
Buy on the cannons, sell on the trumpets.
 -- French Adage
%%
Buy on the rumor, sell on the news.
 -- Wall Street Adage
%%
Buy "QUARKBAR", the candy with Flavor and Charm.
%%
Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows?!
%%
Buy thermometers in the wintertime. They're much lower then.
 -- Soupy Sales
%%
Buy when there's blood in the streets.
 -- Baron Guy de Rothschild
%%
Buy your chiropodist a farewell present.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Buy Yugoslavian Wars Bonds!
%%
Buzzbundle: A six-pack of beer.
%%
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
%%
:buzz: vi. 1. Of a program, to run with no indication of progress
   and perhaps without guarantee of ever finishing; esp. said of
   programs thought to be executing tight loops of code.  A program
   that is buzzing appears to be {catatonic}, but never gets out
   of catatonia, while a buzzing loop may eventually end of its own
   accord.  "The program buzzes for about 10 seconds trying to sort
   all the names into order."  See {spin}; see also {grovel}.
   2. [ETA Systems] To test a wire or printed circuit trace for
   continuity by applying an AC rather than DC signal.  Some wire
   faults will pass DC tests but fail a buzz test.  3. To process an
   array or list in sequence, doing the same thing to each element.
   "This loop buzzes through the tz array looking for a terminator
   type."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BUZZ v. To run in a very tight loop, perhaps without guarantee of getting out.
%%
BVS: Branch and Veer South
%%
BWABL: Bells, Whistles, And Blinking Lights
%%
Bwah-hah-hah!
%%
BW: Branch on Whim
%%
BWC: Branch When Convenient
%%
B: Well, I'll tell you.  I just got myself a paramour.
A: A paramour???  At your age???
B: Sure.  Why not at my age?
A: Well, what did your wife say?
B: My wife?  Why should she care how I cut the grass?
%%
BWF: Busy, Wait Forever
%%
BWOP: BeWilder OPerator
%%
:BWQ: /B-W-Q/ [IBM: abbreviation, `Buzz Word Quotient'] The
   percentage of buzzwords in a speech or documents.  Usually roughly
   proportional to {bogosity}.  See {TLA}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
BW> Uhh... guys.  I made some sort of mistake and lost a couple tagfile
%%
By 1960 work will be limited to three hours a day.
 -- John Langdon-Davies. A Short History of the Future, 1936
%%
By a careful cultural design, we control not the final behavior,
but the inclination to behave- the motives, the desires, the wishes...
we increase the feeling of freedom.
 -- B. F. Skinner
%%
By all means -- let's be careful. . . .
 -- Blake
%%
By all means, let's not confuse the issue with facts.
%%
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
 bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 -- Socrates
%%
By all that 's good and glorious.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Sardanapalus, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
By and by is easily said.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
By an extraordinary stroke of coincidence, it is a rotten borough.
...Really? Is it? Well, lucky, lucky us. Lucky, lucky, cluck-cluck
   cluck-cluck-cluck, CLUCK-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck, CLUCK...
....You don't know what a rotten borough _is_, do you sir.
 -- Edmund and George : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
By an inevitable chain of causes and effects,
Providence punishes national sins by national
calamities.
 -- George Mason
%%
By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.
 -- Voltaire
%%
By a tranquil mind I mean nothing else than a mind well ordered.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 3
%%
"By calling attention to 'a well regulated militia', the 'security'
of the nation, and the right of each citizen 'to keep and bear
arms', our founding fathers recognized the essentially civilian
nature of our economy. Although it is extremely unlikely that the
fears of governmental tyranny which gave rise to the Second
Amendment will ever be a major danger to our nation, the Amendment
still remains an important declaration of our basic
civilian-military relationships, in which every citizen must be
ready to participate in the defense of his country.  For that
reason, I believe the Second Amendment will always be important."
 -- April, 1960 (Then) Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
By cool Siloam's shady rill
  How sweet the lily grows!
 -- Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
 -- First Sunday after Epiphany, No. ii
%%
By day, an average person; By night a Modem Maniac!!!!!!!
%%
By Day, Enlighten; By Night, Endarken.
%%
By Decoration Day all Easter chicks are chickens.
 -- Selma Diamond
%%
By definition all answers are responses.
Unfortunately all responses are not answers.
 -- JMS
%%
By definition, every word I say is a promise.
 -- Marlon Brando in The Freshman
%%
By definition, when you are investigating the unknown,
you do not know what you will find.
 -- The Ultimate Principle
%%
By dint of railing at idiots you run the risk of becoming idiotic yourself.
 -- Gustave Flaubert
%%
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
 completely overwhelm me.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
BYDS: Beware Your Dark Side
%%
Bye, bye, Miss American Pie.   Drove my Chevy to the levee,
 but the levee was dry.  Them good old boys were drinkin'
 whiskey and rye, sayin' 'This will be the day that I die.'
 -- Don MacLean
%%
Bye Kids!
%%
Byeloon: Helium balloon that escapes from a small child at carnivals.
%%
BYE
  Oh, seeya.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Bye!! --> poof ::: cloud of dust :::
%%
By establishing real money, men rule out its debasement.
 -- Lewis E. Lehrman
%%
Bye!  That's the password!  I don't know, I'm so confused!
%%
By evil report and good report.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Corinthians vi, 8
%%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and the more of it you do,
 the better your chances are. On the other hand, if you don't, you won't,
 and it will be successful. (I just wish I know what the hell I was talking
 about here!)
%%
By fairy hands their knell is rung;
By forms unseen their dirge is sung;
There Honour comes, a pilgrim gray,
To bless the turf that wraps their clay;
And Freedom shall awhile repair,
To dwell a weeping hermit there!
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- Ode written in the year 1746
%%
By flatterers besieg'd,
And so obliging that he ne'er oblig'd;
Like Cato, give his little senate laws,
And sit attentive to his own applause.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 207
%%
By following the good, you learn to be good.
%%
By following the good, you learn to be good. Unfortunately bad is more fun.
%%
By forces seemingly antagonistic and destructive Nature accomplishes her
beneficent designs - now a flood of fire, now a flood of ice, now a flood
of water; and again in the fullness of time an outburst of organic life....
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
By foreign hands thy dying eyes were clos'd,
By foreign hands thy decent limbs compos'd,
By foreign hands thy humble grave adorn'd,
By strangers honoured, and by strangers mourn'd!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- To the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady, Line 51
%%
By George I think she's got it!
%%
By gnawing through a dike even a rat may drown a nation.
 -- Edward Burke
%%
By God, for a moment there, it all made sense...
%%
:by hand: adv. 1. Said of an operation (especially a repetitive,
   trivial, and/or tedious one) that ought to be performed
   automatically by the computer, but which a hacker instead has to
   step tediously through.  "My mailer doesn't have a command to
   include the text of the message I'm replying to, so I have to do it
   by hand."  This does not necessarily mean the speaker has to
   retype a copy of the message; it might refer to, say, dropping into
   a subshell from the mailer, making a copy of one's mailbox
   file, reading that into an editor, locating the top and bottom of
   the message in question, deleting the rest of the file, inserting
   `>' characters on each line, writing the file, leaving the editor,
   returning to the mailer, reading the file in, and later remembering
   to delete the file.  Compare {eyeball search}.  2. By extension,
   writing code which does something in an explicit or low-level way
   for which a presupplied library routine ought to have been
   available.  "This cretinous B-tree library doesn't supply a decent
   iterator, so I'm having to walk the trees by hand."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
By Heaven! it is a splendid sight to see
For one who hath no friend, no brother there.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto i, Stanza 40
%%
By heaven, methinks it were an easy leap
To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon,
Or dive into the bottom of the deep,
Where fathom-line could never touch the ground,
And pluck up drowned honour by the locks.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
By heaven we understand a state of happiness infinite in degree,
and endless in duration.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
By hoke ne by croke.
 -- John Skelton (c. 1460-1529)
 -- Colyn Cloute, Line 1240
%%
By hooke or crooke.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
By Jove the stranger and the poor are sent,
And what to those we give, to Jove is lent.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book vi, Line 247
%%
By kicking all the crooks out of government we could easily solve that
 problem and also at the same time bring about a new one; a significantly
 higher unemployment rate. It often happens that those most concerned about
 the happiness of others are the chief cause and sometimes even the only
 cause of difficulty for those very same people they are trying to improve.
%%
By labour and intent study (which I take to be my portion in this
life), joined with the strong propensity of nature, I might perhaps
leave something so written to after times as they should not willingly
let it die.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- The Reason of Church Government, Introduction, Book ii
%%
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
 -- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's Computer Language
%%
By magic numbers and persuasive sound.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- The Mourning Bride, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
By means of shrewd lies, unremittingly repeated, it is possible to
make people believe that heaven is hell -- and hell heaven.  The greater
the lie, the more readily it will be believed.
 -- Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf
%%
By my penny of observation.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be far apart.
%%
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
 as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)
 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
                    (whose author claims, Actually, stealing IS easier.)
                    [to which I reply, You think it's easy for me to
                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?]
%%
By night an atheist half believes a God.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night v, Line 177
%%
By now I was utterly deprogrammed. I walked along naked usually, clothes
being not only putrid but unnecessary. My skin had been baked a deep
terra-cotta brown and was the constituency of harness leather. The sun no
longer penetrated it. I retained my hat.
 -- Robyn Davidson, Tracks
%%
By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic
credentials
(out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence
to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve
but appeared "abruptly."
 -- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23
%%
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get there.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
By Pendragon's sword the Dark shall fall!
%%
By persevering over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly
arrive at his chosen goal or destination.
 -- Christopher Columbus
%%
By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent
 public temptation.
%%
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
%%
By reading this, you're either a lawyer or a nut
%%
By robbing Peter he paid Paul,
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. xi
%%
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
%%
By sending unsolicited, commercially oriented email to this address,
the sender agrees to pay a fee of USD 2.50 per line for proofreading
services.
%%
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- The Passionate Shepherd to his Love
%%
:byte:: /bi:t/ [techspeak] n. A unit of memory or data equal to
   the amount used to represent one character; on modern architectures
   this is usually 8 bits, but may be 9 on 36-bit machines.  Some
   older architectures used `byte' for quantities of 6 or 7 bits, and
   the PDP-10 supported `bytes' that were actually bitfields of
   1 to 36 bits!  These usages are now obsolete, and even 9-bit bytes
   have become rare in the general trend toward power-of-2 word sizes.

   Historical note: The term was coined by Werner Buchholz in 1956
   during the early design phase for the IBM Stretch computer;
   originally it was described as 1 to 6 bits (typical I/O equipment
   of the period used 6-bit chunks of information).  The move to an
   8-bit byte happened in late 1956, and this size was later adopted
   and promulgated as a standard by the System/360.  The word was
   coined by mutating the word `bite' so it would not be
   accidentally misspelled as {bit}.  See also {nybble}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Bytebrothers..children of the ARCLITE!
%%
BYTE: BYte TEst
%%
:bytesexual: /bi:t`sek'shu-*l/ adj. Said of hardware, denotes
   willingness to compute or pass data in either {big-endian} or
   {little-endian} format (depending, presumably, on a {mode bit}
   somewhere).  See also {NUXI problem}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Byte your tongue.
%%
By the act of marriage you endorse all the ancient and dead
values. You endorse things like monogamy. Lifelong monogamy
is a maniacal idea.
 -- Germaine Greer
%%
By the apostle Paul, shadows to-night
Have struck more terror to the soul of Richard
Than can the substance of ten thousand soldiers.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
By the blue rushing of the arrowy Rhone.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 71
%%
By the breastplate of Agamemnon, there is order to matter!
 -- Atrillo Trilobite
%%
By the cosmos, what am I doing?
GIVING THOSE WRETCHES EXACTLY WHAT THEY DESERVE!
But they are my heavenly brothers . . .
. . . AND I WILL KILL THEM ALL!!!
No, I should honor and cherish them . . .
 -- Thanos the Titan, under assault by embodiments of Love and Hate
%%
By the glare of false science betray'd,
That leads to bewilder, and dazzles to blind.
 -- James Beattie (1735-1803)
 -- The Hermit
%%
By their fruits ye shall know them.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew vii, 20
%%
By the lady Blessed Be!
%%
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
      Open, locks,
      Whoever knocks!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
By the term "the good old days," most people are referring to those times
 in which static electricity was about the only thing that would stand your
 hair on end.
%%
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
 -- Charles Wadsworth
%%
By the time a person gets to greener pastures, he can no longer climb the
fence.
%%
By the time a social science theory is formulated in such a way that
it can be tested, changing circumstances have already made it obsolete.
 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
By the time I'd grown up, I naturally supposed that I'd be grown up.
 -- Eve Babitz
%%
By the time I have money to burn, my fire will be out.
%%
By the time of the Great Renaming, net.suicide, along with net.rumors,
was mainly populated by refugees from net.bizarre, which was the first
popular group ever dropped by the backbone. This group of people acted
like a roving gang.  "Ah, here's a NEW almost-empty group to post
train schedules and core dumps in!"  Imagine their squeals of joy when
they discovered that posting to net.test got them mail from all over
the net.
 -- Joe Buck, [e-mail], gives us some Usenet history
%%
By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
government workers than there are workers.
 -- Augustine's Law Number LI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
By the time rules are is needed, it's already too late.
%%
By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, the
people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXX
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
%%
By the time this message gets back on topic, WE'LL ALL BE DEAD!
%%
By the time we've made it, we've had it.
 -- Malcolm Forbes
%%
"By the way, I paid for the whole trip on Mr.
 Underhill's American Express card.  Want the number?"
 -- Closing Line from the movie Fletch
%%
By the way, what does BTW mean?
%%
By the work one knows the workman.
 -- J. de La Fontaine (1621-1695)
 -- The Hornets and the Bees, Book i, Fable 21
%%
By the worldly standards of public life, all scholars in
their work are of course oddly virtuous.  They do not make
wild claims, they do not cheat,they do not try to persuade at
any cost, they appeal neither to prejudice nor to authority,
they are often frank about their ignorance, their disputes are
fairly decorous, they do not confuse what is being argued with
race, politics, sex or age, they listen patiently to the young
and to the old who both know everything.  These are the
general virtues of scholarship, and they are peculiarly the
virtues of science.
 -- Jacob Bronowski
%%
By the yard, life is hard.  By the inch, it's a cinch.
%%
By the year 1984 the entire world may be run by computers. Digital
Equipment Corporation will still be run by people.
%%
By this leek, I will most horribly revenge: I eat and eat, I swear.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
By this story [The Fox and the Raven] it is shown how much ingenuity
avails, and how wisdom is always an overmatch for strength.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book i, Fable 13, 13
%%
By this time, like one who had set out on his way by night, and travelled
through a region of smooth or idle dreams, our history now arrives
on the confines, where daylight and truth meet us with a clear dawn,
representing to our view, though at a far distance, true colours and
shapes.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- The History of England, Book i
%%
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which
is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience,
which is the bitterest.
 -- Confucius
%%
By thunders of white silence.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- Hiram Powers's Greek Slave
%%
By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
mean.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
By undue profundity we perplex and enfeeble thought; and
it is possible to make even Venus herself vanish from the
firmament by a scrutiny too sustained, too concentrated, or
too direct.
 -- E.A. Poe, The Murders in the Rue Morgue
%%
By virtue we merely mean the avoidance of the vices that do not attract us.
 -- Robert Lynd
%%
By words the mind is winged
 -- Aristophanes (c. 450-385 B.C.)
 -- The Birds (414 B.C.), line 1447
%%
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss
 and work twelve hours a day.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
By work you get money, by talk you get knowledge.
 -- Jaliburton
%%
:bzzzt, wrong: /bzt rong/ [USENET/Internet] From a Robin Williams
   routine in the movie "Dead Poets Society" spoofing radio or
   TV quiz programs, such as *Truth or Consequences*, where an
   incorrect answer earns one a blast from the buzzer and condolences
   from the interlocutor.  A way of expressing mock-rude disagreement,
   usually immediately following an included quote from another
   poster.  The less abbreviated "*Bzzzzt*, wrong, but thank you for
   playing" is also common; capitalization and emphasis of the
   buzzer sound varies.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CAABA, n.  A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the
patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.  The patriarch had perhaps
asked the archangel for bread.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a
man's head.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CABBAGE, n.  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and
wise as a man's head.
    The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending
the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire
consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the
cabbages in the royal garden.  When any of his Majesty's measures of
state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that
several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his
murmuring subjects were appeased.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CABBAGE PATCH DOLL STRANGLES ITS MOM
("it was an agent of the devil, say researchers")
%%
Cab Calloway's Garden: Heidi Ho.
%%
Cabinicreep:  When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
%%
Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
[apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson]
%%
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
%%
CAC: Calling All Cars
%%
CAC: Cash And Carry
%%
cache: (1) pocket money. (2) frozen assets.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no
 one is supposed to know is there.
%%
Cache is, by definition, a compromise.
 -- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute

Yes, cache is a compromise.     Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light.
 -- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch)
%%
Cache me if you can . . .
%%
Caches to caches, DOS to DOS...
%%
Cad:  A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
%%
CA Driving:  To Change lanes, first pull out your 9mm..
%%
Caesar had his Brutus; Charles the First, his Cromwell; and George
the Third ["Treason!" cried the Speaker]--may profit by their example.
If this be treason, make the most of it.
 -- Patrick Henry (1736-1799)
 -- Speech in the Virginia Convention, 1765
%%
Caesar said to the soothsayer, "The ides of March are come;" who answered
him calmly, "Yes, they are come, but they are not past."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Caesar
%%
Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas is so rich and lavish that if Caesar were
 alive today, he would not be able to afford to stay in his digs.
%%
Caes. The ides of March are come.
Sooth. Ay, Caesar; but not gone.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
CAF: Convert ASCII to Farsii
%%
Cafe Minimalism:
 To espouse a philosophy of minimalism without actually putting
into practice any of its tenets.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Caffeine Allocation Error: ROOTBEER.SYS missing, Programmer halted.
%%
Caffeine Binge:  That which is necessary to function normally.
%%
Caffeine makes the world go round.
%%
CAFFEINE.SYS not found -- Operator Halted.
%%
Caffidget: To break up an emptied Styrofoam cup into 100s of pieces.
%%
Caffiend
%%
CAI:   Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern
   system of training professional scientists without
   ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of
   laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based programs are
   very good at simulated research.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
CAI: Corrupt Accounting Information
%%
CAIL: Crash After I Leave
%%
C - A lady executive.  An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food.  Unless you double check everything
you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper.  Her daughter C++
is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow
up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
Calamity is man's true touchstone.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- Four Plays in One: The Triumph of Honour, Sc. 1
%%
Calamity is the test of integrity.
%%
Calamity, n.  A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that
the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.  Calamities are of
two kinds:  misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CALCULUS MAJORS do it in increments
%%
Calculus students do it by parts.
%%
CALCULUS: the agony and dx/dt
%%
Calif: Burn and Shake, add Water and Slide.
%%
California: financing the study of *only* female prisoner health issues
%%
CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
%%
California has its faults, but L.A. is a riot!
%%
California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
California makes the best wine - New York, the best whine.
%%
Californians do it laid back.
%%
California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
%%
California Saga...
%%
Call 1-800-52-STERN For "CRUSIFIED BY THE FCC"!!!
%%
Call 911. $3.00 first minute, $1.00 each additional minute.
%%
Call any vegetable,
Call any vegetable,
And the chances are good
That the vegetable
Will respond to you.
 -- Frank Zappa, Lyrics in "Absolutely Free"
%%
Call a witch doctor!  My witch is sick.
%%
Call Barf Ccestruction, and we'll throw it up!
%%
Call B.D.C. for all your computer needs 310/864-5685
%%
Call Bill Clinton's tax infoline.  1-900-SCR-EWME.  $100.00/min.
%%
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the
one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got
home my place was robbed.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the
 one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned
out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
Caller: Blacks have to be heard.
Rush: Why...? They are 12 percent of the population. Who the hell cares?
 -- Rush Limbaugh
%%
Call for the captain ashore, I wanna go home.
%%
Call for the robin-redbreast and the wren,
Since o'er shady groves they hover,
And with leaves and flowers do cover
The friendless bodies of unburied men.
 -- John Webster (c. 1580-1625)
 -- The White Devil, Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Call him Wise whose actions, words, and steps are all a clear Because
to a clear Why.
 -- Lavater
%%
Call immediately.   Time is running out.  We both need to do something
 monstrous before we die.
 -- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson
%%
Calling ALL Ansi-Phreaks!  Come out, come out!
%%
"Calling all units!  Leading monster stampede
 through the bottomlands to lower forty!... Set up
 ambush on flanks!... Also, do not shoot me!...
 Repeat!... Do not shoot me!!!"
 -- FLAMING CARROT vs the Giant Japanese Monsters!
%%
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
%%
Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
 -- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_
%%
"Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!"
 -- Wanda
%%
Call in, tune up, turn out, hang up.
%%
Call it a hunch.
 -- Quasimodo
%%
Call me apathetic - I don't care..!
%%
Call me back so I can hang up on you!
%%
Call me Charley...no...call me Fred...no...call me Bubba.
%%
Call me crazy!  I can live without ICONS!
%%
Call me if you need my phone number!
%%
Call me Ishmael. I won't ANSWER, but ...
%%
"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"
 -- Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message
%%
Call me RS-232, I'm a serial killer.
%%
Call me schizo ... but I'll always have each other.
%%
Call my cat?  No, I just run the can opener.
%%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
 -- Indian proverb
%%
CALLOUS, adj.  Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils
afflicting another.
    When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was
observed to be deeply moved.  "What!" said one of his disciples, "you
weep at the death of an enemy?"  "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great
Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Call Psychic Friends today, throw some money away!
%%
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
%%
Call the Conservative Hot Line: 1-976-TRICKLE.
%%
Call the Holistic Astrological Counselor at the Psychofeminist Unisex
 Therapy Control and Neutered Psychological Facility for information on your
 potential as a vessel of Cosmic Truth using Karmic B Delta Waves in Upper
 Side Band mode. Let the Ultimate Duality of Your Cosmic Reality allow the
 Oneness of the Universe flow through you and bring you to nonmaterial
 harmony with the entire metaphysical angst of your being. If this fails,
 take two aspirins and call me tomorrow at the office.
%%
Call the Liberal Hot Line - 1-976-WEL-FARE ($10 per min).
%%
Call the Men of Science.
%%
Call things by their right names.... Glass of brandy and water! That
is the current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of liquid
fire and distilled damnation.
 -- Robert Hall (1764-1831)
 -- Gregory's Life of Hall
%%
Call this number for illiteracy: 555-READ
%%
Call upon a man of business during hours of business only to transact your
 business. Then go about your business and give him time to attend to his
 business.
 -- Anonymous
%%
Call waiting is great if you have two friends!
%%
Call-waiting is indeed the ULTIMATE line noise!
%%
Call your Father today: I wish I still COULD!
%%
Call yourself a Time Lord?   A broken clock keeps better time than
 you do.  At least it's accurate twice a day, which is more than you
 ever are.
 -- Tegan, The Visitation
%%
Call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Calm Down!  It's only ones and zeros!
%%
Calmness is great advantage; he that lets another chafe may warm
him at his fire, mark all his wand'rings and enjoy his frets, as
cunning fencers suffer heat to tire.
 -- Herbert
%%
Calm?  Of COURSE I'm calm! I've never been so calm in my LIFE!!
 IF I WERE ANY MORE CALM, I'D BE DEAD!!!!!!!
 -- Wilbur, Rescuers Down Under
%%
Calm on the bosom of thy God,
  Fair spirit, rest thee now!
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- Siege of Valencia, Scene ix
%%
Calm on the listening ear of night
  Come Heaven's melodious strains,
Where wild Judea stretches far
  Her silver-mantled plains.
 -- Edmund H. Sears (1810-1876)
 -- Christmas Song
%%
CAL Sucks; UCLA Swallows
%%
CALUMNUS, n.  A graduate of the School for Scandal.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%%
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner,
Vermont.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
         realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
 Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
%%
Camaro: Can't America Make A Real One?
%%
CAMEL, n.  A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to
the show business.  There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper
and the camel improper.  It is the latter that is always exhibited.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Camels have wet dreams too. It's just a bumpier road.
%%
Camera bugs always know where to light!
%%
Cameras are so simple to operate now that taking pictures is much
easier than getting friends to look at them.
 -- Hugh Allen
%%
Ca m'est egal.
 -- l'Etranger (The Stranger)
%%
Camouflage condoms:  So they won't see you coming.
%%
C$A#M*O$U%F@L#A)G@ED T@A#G$L@IN$E
%%
Campers do it in a tent.
%%
Camptown Races, 6837.6 Meters Long. Do Dah!
%%
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu: If your god's dead blame mine.
%%
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu--It found me.
%%
Campus Crusade for KALI!
%%
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
points.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
Cam's Crematorium - You kill 'em, we grill 'em
%%
Can a baby be born born again?
%%
Can a blue man sing the whites?
%%
Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
%%
Canada: a few acres of snow.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Canada -- C eh? N eh? D eh?
%%
Canada has two months: Winter and July 11.
%%
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents for
postage and 30 cents for storage.
 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
%%
Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in fall.
%%
Canada's just a hockey player breeding facility.
%%
Canada: the state so clever, they don't pay taxes to Washington!
%%
Canada? What part of Texas is that in?
%%
Canadian Alphabet:eh,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z.
%%
Canadian DOS: "Yer sure, eh?" [y/n]
%%
Canadian prison inmate Robert Walters, halfway through a 24-year
sentence for robbery, was allowed out of Collins Bay penitentiary for
six hours on a "resocializing program" on the condition that his guard
keep him in sight at all times. After the two got drunk at a bar,
Walters excused himself and popped across the street to rob a bank.
%%
Canadian tagline - Add 7% for GST.
%%
Canadian wildlife found here.
%%
CANADOS: Format C:? Yer Sure, eh? [Y] [N]o way hoser!
%%
Can a homosexual become a heterosexual?  Only if a dog can become
 a tree.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs vi, 27
%%
Can anybody think of a good tagline I can steal?
%%
Can any man have a higher notion of the rule of right and the eternal
fitness of things?
 -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
 -- Tom Jones, Book iv, Chap. iv
%%
Can any mortal mixture of earth's mould
Breathe such divine enchanting ravishment?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 244
%%
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
%%
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?  Yes, work never begun.
%%
Canapes--a sandwich cut into twenty-four pieces.
 -- Billy Rose
%%
Can a vampire catch AIDS...?
%%
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
%%
Can build castles in the air.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 1, Subsect. 3
%%
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
Cancer cures smoking -- It puts you in a flip-top box too!
%%
CANCER    June 21 - July 22
You are a very patient person.  You can fall asleep waiting for things
to happen.  You have a keen memory and often recite boring, obscure
things to your friends.  Cancers are easily influenced and many have
actually drowned when told to jump in the lake.
%%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
 think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
 you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
 Cancer people.
%%
"Candle-vaulting" by Jack B. Nimble
%%
Candygram for Mongo. Mongo LIKE candy!
%%
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
 -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971), "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
%%
Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth!
%%
Candy on keyboard. Delete children (Y/n)?
%%
Can God make a rock so big He can't lift it?
%%
Can Harrison Ford the river?
%%
Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word 'Aim' and the word
  'Fire'? Thirty or forty years, perhaps...
 -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Can I call you Ms. Dos ?
%%
Can I go back to bed now?
%%
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Can I leave now?  My brain is full.
%%
"Can I park here?"
"Nope", said the cop.
"Well, then how come these other cars are parked here?"
"They didn't ask me", replied the cop.
%%
Can I run DBLSPACE or STACKER on my VISA card?
%%
Can I upgrade my Hard drive to a Warp Drive?
%%
Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
%%
Cannibalism suits you.
%%
CANNIBAL, n.  A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple
tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cannibal: one who gets fed up with people.
%%
Cannibals aren't vegetarian; they're humanitarians.
%%
Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained...
%%
CANNON, n.  An instrument employed in the rectification of national
boundaries.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them.
     .     .     .     .
Into the jaws of death,
Into the mouth of hell
  Rode the six hundred.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Charge of the Light Brigade, Stanza 3
%%
Cannot find ORG.ASM girlfriend halted...
%%
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
%%
Cannot fork -- try again.
%%
Cannot load CLINTON.SYS - File Corrupt - Truth Not Found!
%%
Cannot open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.
%%
Cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home?
%%
Cannot understand tagline (A)bort (R)etry (L)augh anyway
%%
Can one desire too much of a good thing?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Can one ever remember love ? It's like trying to summon up the smell of
a rose in a cellar.  You might see a rose, but never the perfume.
 -- Arthur Miller
%%
Canonical, adj.:
      The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true
story:  One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
annoyance at the use of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a
point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
eventually it began to sink in.  Finally, in one conversation, he used
the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
      Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
     Stallman: "What did he say?"
  Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
%%
CANONICALS, n.  The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Can O' Worms. Open, Heat, & Eat. Ready in 15 mins.
%%
Can Pee Wee choose to waive the evidence in court?
%%
Can priests turn other food into God, or only cookies?
%%
Can Rush Limbaugh PROVIDE a GOOD JOB for ANYBODY?
%%
Can someone get this walking carpet out of my way?
 -- C3P0 (Star Wars)
%%
Can storied urn, or animated bust,
  Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath?
Can honour's voice provoke the silent dust,
  Or flatt'ry soothe the dull cold ear of death?
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 11
%%
Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxviii, 31
%%
Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xli, 1
%%
Canst thou guide Arcturus with his sons?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxviii, 32
%%
Can such things be,
And overcome us like a summer's cloud,
Without our special wonder?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Can taglines have sequels?  Hmmm.....
%%
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
 -- Eddie Vedder
%%
Can't? Can't? There's no such word as can't!
%%
"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so,
that's why)"
 -- Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message
%%
Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the husband in the back yard.
%%
Cant expect to keep them on the farm after theyve seen Paris.
%%
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.
%%
Can't get this drive to backup, forward only operation.
%%
"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"
 -- Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message
%%
:can't happen: The traditional program comment for code executed
   under a condition that should never be true, for example a file
   size computed as negative.  Often, such a condition being true
   indicates data corruption or a faulty algorithm; it is almost
   always handled by emitting a fatal error message and terminating or
   crashing, since there is little else that can be done.  Some case
   variant of "can't happen" is also often the text emitted if the
   `impossible' error actually happens!  Although "can't happen"
   events are genuinely infrequent in production code, programmers
   wise enough to check for them habitually are often surprised at how
   frequently they are triggered during development and how many
   headaches checking for them turns out to head off. See also
   {firewall code} (sense 2).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Can the Borg assimilate Q?
%%
Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Jeremiah xiii, 23
%%
Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?
 -- New Testament
 -- John i, 46
%%
Can there be a republic that does not slump under the weight of so
much human desire?
 -- Michael Scully
%%
Can the world take TWO of us?   ;-)
%%
Can this be real? A women is at a loss for words?!
%%
CAN THIS REALLY BE MY LIFE?
or has there been some mistake?
%%
Can't I another's face commend,
And to her virtues be a friend,
But instantly your forehead lowers,
As if her merit lessen'd yours?
 -- Edward Moore (1712-1757)
 -- The Farmer, the Spaniel, and the Cat, Fable ix
%%
Can't I love you for your mind and like your hooters too?
%%
"Can't let you get involved, it's too dangerous."

"I'm a big girl."

"Yeah... and in all the right places, too."
 -- North By Northwest
%%
Can't refute the message?  Attack the messenger!
 -- Conservative Rule #9
%%
Can't see it? It IS there, using Stealth technology.
%%
Can't stand the heat? Stop burning the books!
%%
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the
 confusion and problems they've caused?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
can't unlink suspend file.
%%
Can't use Windows, have single tasking brain and fingers.
%%
Can't wait for them 100Gb, 10ns drives!
%%
Can't wait to try TFW
%%
Can't we all just get a beer? Norm Peterson.
%%
CAN'T whistle at my girlfriend, she leaves me breathless!
%%
Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?
      It does not work that way.   RUN!
 -- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in Johnny Quest
%%
:can: vt. To abort a job on a time-sharing system.  Used esp.
   when the person doing the deed is an operator, as in "canned from
   the {{console}}".  Frequently used in an imperative sense, as in
   "Can that print job, the LPT just popped a sprocket!"  Synonymous
   with {gun}.  It is said that the ASCII character with mnemonic
   CAN (0011000) was used as a kill-job character on some early OSes.
   Alternatively, this term may derive from mainstream slang
   `canned' for being laid off or fired.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Can we ever have too much of a good thing?
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book i, Chap. vi
%%
Can we get loss of liability insurance insurance?
%%
Can we Hurry?...... My HardDisk is double parked.
%%
Can we make Clinton's defeat in '96 retroactive to '92?
%%
Can you believe it?  This message really does end?
%%
Can you believe that thing is STILL moving?
%%
Can you cook? Can you sew?    Well, I don't want to know, cause that's not
  what you need on the inside to make the time go.
 -- Ian Anderson
%%
Can you count the things you don't know about?
%%
"Can you do Addition?" the White Queen asked.  "What's one and one and one and
one and one and one and one and one and one and one?"
"I don't know," said Alice.  "I lost count."
"She can't do Addition," the Red Queen interrupted.
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%%
Can you do the Picard Maneuver in a Grand Am?
%%
Can you fill us in more on this, Lt. Data?
%%
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
%%
Can you get a DUI on the information superhighway?
%%
"Can you give me a lift back?"
"Ah -- can do.  But won't."
 -- Monty Python
%%
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"

"Uh, not right now."

"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
 -- "Real Genius"
%%
Can you Handel music with a Baroquen instrument?
%%
Can you handle some PLEASURE?
%%
Can you hear the drums Fernando............(urp)
%%
Can you help me? Are you for my brain...oh, yeah!
%%
Can you imagine 1,000 cats agreeing to do *anything*?
%%
Can you imagine a roast aardvark without an apple in
its mouth? It's like a martini without the egg
%%
Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
  with jealousy, greed, hate....
It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment
 -- the other side of the coin.
 -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?,"
       stardate 2712.4
%%
Can you imagine, RJR Nabisco is coming out with a tobacco flavored cookie..
 followed of course by a Chocolate flavored filter soft light one hundred
 cigarette.
%%
Can you imagine Spock picking his nose?
%%
Can you imagine what it would be like if there had been ``look and feel''
 lawsuits over automobiles?
 -- Mark Diekhans ([e-mail])
%%
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
        "Can you make a [hot toddy]?"
        --"Can you make a shoe stink?"
 -- "Caddyshack"
%%
   "Can you operate it, Spock?"
   "Well, Jim, this computer was designed and constructed 300 million
years ago by a totally alien race of methane-breathing, squidlike
beings who built it using technologies unknown to us and used it
for purposes we cannot conceive of and then mysteriously vanished
leaving no shred of documentation as to its operation.  It may
take a few moments."
%%
Can you program?    Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!
%%
Can you put your hands in your head?  Oh, no.
%%
Can you recommend a way to counter the effect?
Simple, change the gravitational constant of the universe.
What?!
Change the gravitational constant of the universe, thereby altering the
  mass of the asteroid.
Redefine gravity. And how am I supposed to do that?
You just do it! Oh, where's that doctor anyway?
Geordi is trying to say that changing the gravitational constant of the
  universe is beyond our capabilities.
Oh, well, in that case, never mind.
 -- Data, Q, and Geordi, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
%%
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I
 guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep ...

 Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow
 up--'cause they're lookin' for ideas.
 -- Paula Poundstone
%%
Can you remember your first fortune cookie?
%%
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
%%
Can you say critical mass?  I knew you could.
%%
Can you say PAIN, boys & girls?
%%
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
%%
Can you say "Quality" in Japanese?  Sure you can.
 -- Mister Rodgers
%%
Can you see the real me ?
%%
Can you teach an old Sysop new tricks?
%%
Can you teach us to fight with pointed sticks?
%%
Can you tell I need more tag lines?
%%
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
%%
Can you trust a government that subsidizes tobacco and tries to ban
vitamins to make intelligent choices about your health care?
%%
Can you use
0370 ... BSD Unix?  0371 ... non-BSD Unix?
0372 ... AIX        0373 ... VM/CMS?
0374 ... VMS?       0375 ... MVS?
0376 ... VSE?       0377 ... RSTS/E?
0378 ... CP/M?      0379 ... COS?
0380 ... NOS?       0381 ... CP-67?
0382 ... RT-11?     0383 ... MS-DOS?
0384 ... Finder?    0385 ... PRODOS?
0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 ... Tops-10?   0388 ... Tops-20?
0389 ... OS-9?      0390 ... OS/2?
0391 ... AOS/VS?    0392 ... Multics?
0393 ... ITS?       0394 ... Vulcan?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Can you yell "yIHmey!" in a crowded Klingon restaurant?
%%
Capability maturity model
 a method of determining to what extent the developer
 can reasonably be blamed for the inevitable failure
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Capital as such is not evil; it is its wrong use that is evil.
 -- Mohandas Gandhi
%%
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: welfare or warfare.
 -- Bill Gray
%%
Capitalism did not arise because capitalists stole the land, but
because it was more efficient than feudalism. It will perish because
it is not merely less efficient than socialism, but actually
self-destructive.
 -- J. B. S. Haldane
%%
Capitalism. I love it!
%%
Capitalism in the United States has undergone profound modification,
not just under the New Deal, but through a consensus that continued
to grow after the New Deal. Government in the U. S. today is a senior
partner in every business in the country.
 -- Norman Cousins
%%
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
%%
Capitalism is outrageously unjust; it requires a continuing maldistribution
of wealth in order to exist. We live in the twilight of an epoch. I am
absolutely convinced that we are moving toward some kind of planned economy.
 -- Michael Harrington
%%
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men
will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.
 -- John Maynard Keynes
%%
Capitalism is the unequal distribution of Wealth.
Communism is the equal distribution of Poverty.
%%
Capitalism says you can win, Socialism says you can break even,
and Religion says you can join another game.
%%
Capitalism with environmental ethics will benefit the entire world.
%%
Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with
things you didn't have a good answer to.
 -- Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
%%
CAPITAL, n.  The seat of misgovernment.  That which provides the fire,
the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the
anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the
disgrace before meat.  _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the
justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all
the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Capital punishment is as fundamentally wrong as a cure for crime as charity is
wrong as a cure for poverty.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
Capital Punishment: the income tax.
%%
Capital Punishment: The Male-Only Death Penalty.
%%
Capitol Hill Bank: Member F.L.E.E.C.E.
%%
Capitol Punishment?  Yes, punish everyone in the capitol!
%%
Cap'n Crunch Dead. Cereal Killer Held. More at 11.
%%
Cap'n, she's only a 2400, she canna take 1650 cps!  ...Scotty
%%
Cap'n! The modem canna keep up this speed much longer!
%%
Cap'n, this t'glin dinna' say ennythin!
%%
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
 anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
 importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
 they take root and become trees.
%%
CAPRICORN   December 22 - January 19
You are an upholder of tradition and authority.  This is because you
lack imagination and creativity.  You cannot take honest criticism.
Not event from your mother.  Most prison warders are Capricorns.
%%
Captain! Admiral Brahms is on sub-space requesting you!!!
%%
Captain, a Klingon does NOT play Tetris!
%%
Captain, are we talking about breaking up a family? Isn't that a rather
  sentimental attitude about androids?
They are living, sentient beings. Their rights and privileges in our
  society have been defined, I helped define them.
 -- Admiral Haftel and Picard, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
Captain, can I see you in your ready room. Its a private matter. No
  actually its an urgent one.
 -- Dr. Crusher, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
'Captain, do ships sink very often?'
'No, just once'
%%
Captain, he needs an attitude adjustment.
 -- Pulaski about Kolrami, "Peak Performance", stardate 42923.4
%%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%%
"Captain, how soon can we land?"
"I can't tell."
"You can tell me; I'm a doctor."
 -- Airplane!
%%
Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling.
  No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is
  still a certain exhilaration in the risk.
 -- Spock, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
%%
Captain, I need to kill someone.
 -- Worf
%%
Captain, I sense... a PLOT DEVICE!
%%
Captain! It's Bob Morgan off starboard bow unlurking.
%%
"Captain Justice knows no fear!"
 "Captain Justice  knows no women!"
 -- A decent line from ONCE A HERO
%%
Captain Kirk, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited.
%%
Captain Kirk, I sense millions of minds focused on my cleavage.
%%
"Captain Kirk.  It's a pleasure to welcome you to Noldicia.
More fun than humans should be allowed to have."
 -- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Captain Kirk speaks figuratively, and with undue emotion, but
what he says is essentially correct, and I do, in fact, agree
with it.
 -- Mr. Spock
 -- Star Trek
%%
Captain Kirk to the rescue!
%%
Captain Kirk: We come in peace. Shoot to kill.
%%
Captain Kirk, why does your phaser look like a dust buster?
%%
Captain, life is _not_ a dream.
%%
Captain, my dear Captain. You owe me something, you do realize that,
  don't you? I'm a woman I haven't had the comfort of a husband, a man.
Not now, Doctor, please.
 -- Dr. Crusher and Picard, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
Captain of the Belgrano:
I'm outside the f%*king exclusion zone
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
Captain of the Exxon Valdez to Third Mate: "I said SCOTCH on the rocks, not
 STOP on the rocks!" The only thing that remained loaded on the Valdez was
 the captain. The whole affair gives an entirely new meaning to the packing
 of sardines in oil. This tragic event has alerted people to wild life. The
 bar on the Love Boat now shuts down at 8:30 PM. When informed of this sorry
 event, Vice President Dan Quayle said that we should let foreign countries
 take care of their own problems. Quayle was not allowed to go to Alaska and
 view the damage, since no one could be found to go along to make sure his
 pants were zipped, and he had his snow shoes on, and wore his cap.
%%
Captain of the Titanic:
Where's all that f%*king water coming from?
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
Captain ... one .. harmless ... little ... Tribble?
%%
Captain, Permission to hook up blender attachments to Mr Data
%%
Captain, phasers and photons down, get the hand phaser out
%%
Captain Picard! Mr. Spock just swallowed our budget!
%%
Captain Picard, stop staring at my chest!
 -- Troi
%%
Captain Picard, you are now relieved of duty. I judge you to be disabled,
  mentally incapacitated...
 -- Dr. Crusher, "Lonely Among Us", stardate 41249.3
%%
Captain Picquard trusts his bartender's instincts and saves the Federation.
 -- Karl's synopsis of a recent Star Trek episode
%%
Captain Pollard.. Renegade ship approc!@$(@#&$* NO CARRIER
%%
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
%%
Captains log, Stardate 9602.34 Worf bites Ensign Fox
%%
Captain! Someone has snorted all the dilithium crystals.
%%
Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.
Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.
 --  UFP President and Spock, "ST IV:The Voyage Home," stardate 8390
%%
Captain! The UARTs kenna' take these speeds!
%%
Captain, this board seems highly illogical.
%%
Captain, we are being hailed. Get out your umbrella.
%%
Captain, we are receiving 285,000 hails
 -- Wesley
%%
Captain, we can control the Federation as easily as we can control you.
  The fate of the inferior in any galaxy.
 -- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
%%
Captain, we have engaged dataschlurp mode!
%%
Captain we're at 1960 CPS. The UARTs canna take much more.
%%
"Captain, we seem to be trapped inside a late 20th century computer system."

"Blast us out of here, Mr. Sulu!"
%%
Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows 3.1?
 -- Worf
%%
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
%%
Capture him, beat him and treat him like dirt.
 -- LAPD squad-car computer message, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
carabiner: oversized safety pin to hold up a diaper seat.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Car around the inside of a cheerio.
%%
Carasvemos, corazones no sabemos.
%%
CAR: Cancel Accounts Receivable
%%
Car Capital Of The World: Mitch Egan
%%
Carcasses bleed at the sight of the murderer.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 1, Memb. 2, Subsect. 5
%%
Car customisers do it with a hot rod.
%%
Cardassian Burger: How many pickles do you see?
%%
Cardassian Cable - bringing you five - er, FOUR channels!
%%
Cardassian Scale: How many pounds do you see?
%%
Car Dealer's Advertisement in The Sunday Star Ledger:
Bilingual - we speak many languages.
%%
Cardiac: Obsessed poker player.
 -- Ray Hand
%%
Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
%%
Cardiologists do it halfheartedly.
%%
Cardiologists do it lightheartedly.
%%
Card readers?   We don't need no stinking card readers.
 -- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciences, 1965,
 -- in a particularly vivid fantasy)
%%
Cards: An ancient unput medium based on holey blocks of wood.
%%
"Cards? Luxury!  I was at the smithy 18 hours a day forging gears for my
analytical engine, Ada working her fingers to the bone assembling them
on shafts.  I used to dream of the day when I would finally get it all
put together so that I could finally play 'Wumpus'."
 -- Babbage
%%
:card walloper: n. An EDP programmer who grinds out batch programs
   that do stupid things like print people's paychecks.  Compare
   {code grinder}.  See also {{punched card}}, {eighty-column
   mind}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Care-charmer Sleep, son of the sable Night,
Brother to Death, in silent darkness born.
 -- Samuel Daniel (1562-1619)
 -- To Delia, Sonnet 51
%%
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
%%
Care for a Jelly Baby?
 -- The Doctor.
%%
Care for a shrimp cocktail?  No, thanks, I need a BIG one.
%%
Careful, careful--I might explode!
 -- Doctor Who, REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN
%%
Careful! Don't step in that... Oh, never mind
%%
Careful: I might be landing on your street...
%%
Carefully avoid anything said to be NEATO!
%%
Carefull you idiot!  I said across her nose, not UP it!
%%
Carefully selected volunteers.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Carefully stage all "impromptu" town meetings.
 -- Liberal Rule #32
%%
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
%%
Careful, Mister.  Old Zeek is liable to fire that sucker up!
%%
Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel.
 -- Odysseus
%%
Careful with that axe, man.
%%
Care keeps his watch in every old man's eye,
And where care lodges, sleep will never lie.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge.
%%
Care to expound, or are you just going to leave us all with the
 impression that you're merely an inarticulate asshole?
 -- Jay you ignorant splut! Maynard ([e-mail])

Lest I leave the wrong impression, I'm not inarticulate.
 -- Walker Mangum ([e-mail])
%%
Care to guess how the fetus would vote on abortion?
%%
Care to join the "Flat Earth" Society?
%%
Care to our coffin adds a nail, no doubt,
And every grin so merry draws one out.
 -- John Wolcot (1738-1819)
 -- Expostulatory Odes, Ode xv
%%
Care to read that tagline in front of the class, Mario Trujillo?
%%
:careware: /keir'weir/ n. {Shareware} for which either the
   author suggests that some payment be made to a nominated charity
   or a levy directed to charity is included on top of the
   distribution charge.  Syn. {charityware}; compare
   {crippleware}, sense 2.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cargo cult programming: n. A style of (incompetent) programming
   dominated by ritual inclusion of code or program structures that
   serve no real purpose.  A cargo cult programmer will usually
   explain the extra code as a way of working around some bug
   encountered in the past, but usually neither the bug nor the reason
   the code apparently avoided the bug was ever fully understood
   (compare {shotgun debugging}, {voodoo programming}).

   The term `cargo cult' is a reference to aboriginal religions that
   grew up in the South Pacific after World War II.  The practices of
   these cults center on building elaborate mockups of airplanes and
   military style landing strips in the hope of bringing the return of
   the god-like airplanes that brought such marvelous cargo during the
   war.  Hackish usage probably derives from Richard Feynman's
   characterization of certain practices as "cargo cult science" in
   his book "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman" (W. W. Norton
   & Co, New York 1985, ISBN 0-393-01921-7).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Carl Steward, a columnist in the Fremont Argus newspaper, posed this question:
   If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is
   reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count?
%%
CAR MECHANICS jack it
%%
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
%%
Carnegie Hall! What the fuck are we doing here?
 -- Frank Zappa '71
%%
CARNIVOROUS, adj.  Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous
vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with
the right combination of fats and sugar, it
can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.

Of course, the same can be said of dirt."
 -- From THE CHOCOLATE BOOK
%%
Carol: "Actually, he's a lot like you...in many ways.  Please tell me what
  you're feeling."
Kirk: "There's a man out there I haven't seen in fifteen years who's trying to
  kill me.  You showed me your son'd be happy to help.  My son...my life that
  could've been...and wasn't.  What am I feeling?  Old...worn out."
Carol: "Let me show you something...that'll make you feel...*young* as when the
  world was new."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Carol: "David, why don't you show Doctor McCoy and the lieutenant our idea of
  food?"
David: "But we can't just sit here."
Kirk: "Oh yes we can."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Carol: "Get your gear together where it's handy."
March: "And where are we going?"
Carol: "That's for us to know and Reliant to find out."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Carol: "I don't understand, who's responsible for all this.  Who is 'Khan'?"
Kirk: "Well, it's a long story."
David: "We appear to have plenty of time."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Caroline! I never knew you knew her!
Oh yes! I even touched her once.
...Touched her what?
Her...once. In a corridor.
I've never heard it called _that_ before.
 -- Edmund and Percy : Potato
%%
Carol: "Starfleet has kept the peace for over a hundred years.  I cannot and
  will not subscribe to your interpretation of this event!"
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Carol: "The reformed moon represented here represents the merest fraction
of the
Genesis potential, should the Federation wish to fund these experiments to
their logical conclusion.  When we consider the cosmic problems of population
and food supply, the usefulness of this process becomes clear.  This concludes
our proposal.  Thank you for your attention."
Spock: "It literally is 'genesis'."
Kirk: "The power of creation."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Carol: "What exactly is Genesis?  Well, put simply, Genesis is life from
  lifelessness.  It is a process whereby molecular structure is reorganized at
  the subatomic level into life-generating matter of equal mass.  Stage One of
  our experiments was conducted in a laboratory.  Stage Two of the series will
  be attempted in a lifeless underground.  Stage Three will involve the process
  on a planetary scale.  It is our intention to introduce the Genesis Device
  into a preselected area of a lifeless space body, a moon or other dead form.
  The device is delivered, instanteously causing what we call the 'Genesis
  Effect'.  Matter is reorganized with life-generating results.  Instead of a
  dead moon, a living, breathing planet capable of supporting whatever we see
  fit to deposit on it."
Spock: "Fascinating."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Carpe Cibum.
%%
Carpe Diem, lads. Sieze the day.
 Make your lives extraordinary.
 -- Robin Williams, Dead Poet's Society
%%
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero!
[Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!]
 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.)
%%
"Carpe Dinero" -- "Seize The Money"
 -- DaveMc
%%
Carpe DM:  Sieze the Dungeon Master.
%%
Carpe modem! Sieze the bandwith!
%%
Carpe Noctem   Seize the night   I do more work after
2AM than most people do all day
%%
Carpenter:  A guy who nails down his agreement...
%%
Carpenters are just plane folks.
%%
Carpenters hammer it harder.
%%
Carpenters nail harder.
%%
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
CARPET FITTERS do it on their knees
%%
Carpet Fitting: Walter Wall
%%
Carpe that diem sucker!
%%
Carpet layers do it on the floor.
%%
Car phone answering machine: "Hi, I'm home right now..."
%%
Car Phones:  One more arrogant symbol of the Reagan Era.
%%
Car pooling - By Sharif d'Ride
%%
Car Repairs: Axel Grease
%%
Carried about with every wind of doctrine.
 -- New Testament
 -- Ephesians iv, 14
%%
Carrier Landing - Most Fun Possible with pants on!
%%
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
%%
CARROT JUICE?!?!
 -- 6th Dr.
%%
Carrots do something for children's vision. Kids can spot carrots no matter
 how you disguise them.
%%
Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you.
Put them on the defensive. And don't even apologize for anything.
 -- Harry S. Truman, former U.S. president
%%
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
%%
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
%%
CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead!
LARGE MAN:   Here's one!
CART DRIVER: Ninepence.
BODY:        I'm not dead!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead!
   There are legs stick out of windows and doors.  Two MEN are fighting in the
   mud - covered from head to foot in it.  Another MAN is on his hands in
   knees shovelling mud into his mouth.  We just catch sight of a MAN falling
   into a well.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
CART DRIVER: Bring out your dead!
   We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden village.
   A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.  In the open
   doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of legs dangling from
   the ceiling.  In another doorway an OLD WOMAN is beating a cat against a
   wall rather like one does with a mat.  The cart passes round a dead donkey
   or cow in the mud.  And a MAN tied to a cart is being hammered to death by
   four NUNS with huge mallets.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Carter didn't kill America...but Clinton just might!
%%
CARTESIAN, adj.  Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author
of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased
to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.  The dictum
might be improved, however, thus:  _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an
approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Carthago delenda est!
%%
Cartoonists do it with just a few good strokes.
%%
Cartoons: music played in an automobile?
%%
Car trouble is when the car won't start and the payments won't stop.
%%
Cartwright: "Arrest those men."
Spock: "Arrest yourself!"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Cartwright: "I don't know whether to congratulate you or not, Jim."
McCoy: "I wouldn't."
 -- "STVI"TUC", Stardate 9521.6
%%
Cartwright: "I must protest.  To offer the Klingons safe haven within
Federation
  space is *suicide*."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9521.6
%%
Cartwright: "The opportunity here is to bring them to their knees.  Then we'll
  be in a far better position to dictate terms."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9521.6
%%
Carwashes which allow you to stay in the car are a lot more fun.
%%
:cascade: n. 1. A huge volume of spurious error-message output
   produced by a compiler with poor error recovery.  Too frequently,
   one trivial syntax error (such as a missing `)' or `}') throws the
   parser out of synch so that much of the remaining program text is
   interpreted as garbaged or ill-formed.  2. A chain of USENET
   followups, each adding some trivial variation or riposte to the text
   of the previous one, all of which is reproduced in the new message;
   an {include war} in which the object is to create a sort of
   communal graffito.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:case and paste: [from `cut and paste'] n. 1. The addition of a new
   {feature} to an existing system by selecting the code from an
   existing feature and pasting it in with minor changes.  Common in
   telephony circles because most operations in a telephone switch are
   selected using `case' statements.  Leads to {software bloat}.

   In some circles of EMACS users this is called `programming by
   Meta-W', because Meta-W is the EMACS command for copying a block of
   text to a kill buffer in preparation to pasting it in elsewhere.
   The term is condescending, implying that the programmer is acting
   mindlessly rather than thinking carefully about what is required to
   integrate the code for two similar cases.

   At DEC, this is sometimes called `clone-and-hack' coding.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cas. Every inordinate cup is unbless'd, and the ingredient is a devil.
Iago. Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature, if it be well used.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Casey again: "You put a left handed batter up against a right handed
 pitcher and a right handed pitcher up against a left handed batter and on
 cloudy days you put up a fast pitcher and on warm days a slow pitcher."
%%
Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said,
 "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill
 every day for the rest of my life."

 She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the
 rest of their lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me four."
 -- Hal Roach
%%
Casey saves, Muller picks up the rebound, he shoots, he scores!
%%
Casey's in the net, Danny goes right, fakes left, shoots, SCORES! "WUSS!"
%%
Cash: a poor man's credit card!
%%
CASH ONLY! We Know Your Kind!
%%
Cash value of this tagline: 1/20 of 1 cent
%%
Cassio, I love thee;
But never more be officer of mine.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
:casters-up mode: [IBM, prob. fr. slang belly up] n. Yet another
   synonym for `broken' or `down'.  Usually connotes a major
   failure.  A system (hardware or software) which is `down' may be
   already being restarted before the failure is noticed, whereas one
   which is `casters up' is usually a good excuse to take the rest
   of the day off (as long as you're not responsible for fixing
   it).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:casting the runes: n. What a {guru} does when you ask him or
   her to run a particular program and type at it because it never
   works for anyone else; esp. used when nobody can ever see what
   the guru is doing different from what J. Random Luser does.
   Compare {incantation}, {runes}, {examining the entrails};
   also see the AI koan about Tom Knight in "{A Selection
   of AI Koans}" ({Appendix A}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Castles in the air are all right until we try to move into them.
%%
Castles in the air cost a great deal to keep up.
%%
Castles in the air -- they're so easy to take refuge in.
So easy to build, too.
 -- Henrik Ibsen
%%
Castrate - the hotel rate for actors.
%%
Castration?!? Oh my god! I thought he said circumcision!
%%
Castration takes balls.
%%
Cast thy bread upon the waters; for thou shalt find it after many days.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes xi, 1
%%
Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you.
 -- Psalm 55:22
%%
    Casual amusement can be one of a wizard's greatest problems. After all,
when one can conjure virtually anything, what can one do to 'get away from it
all?'
    Different wizards arrive at different solutions for their entertainment.
A sorcerer of my acquaintance decided to increase his physical prowess through
a vigorous program of exercise but found that his new muscles were wont to rip
through his robes midconjure. Another mage decided to develop the interplay
between tongue and teeth so that he could exactly reproduce any insect noise
imaginable. He became so successful at this that they discovered his corpse one
midsummer's eve, suffocated by six thousand three hundred and two amorous
katydids. And the wizard who tried to start personal communications between
humans and sheep... well, the less said the better.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XLIV
%%
... casual drug users should be executed for "aiding the enemy in time
of war."
 -- LAPD Chief Darryl Gates
%%
Casual: looks around, whistles, or sings.
 -- Psychoanalysis through behavior at Urinals
%%
Casual sex is the best because you don't have to wear a tie.
 -- John Mendoza
%%
Cat: A Bit of Heaven Here On Earth.
%%
Cat advice: Take some time to eat the flowers.
%%
Cat: Alien that took over the Earth millenia ago.
%%
Cat: A nice animal, frequently mistaken for a meatloaf.
%%
CATapult: device for thowing cats long distances.
%%
Cat: A purr-bearing mammal.
%%
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.
 -- Oliver Herford
%%
Cat are always more sarcastic than dogs.
%%
Catarrh:  Stringed instrument...
%%
Cat: A small, furry beast resembling a meatloaf...
%%
Catastrophe: 38 Years of Liberal Democrats in Congress.
%%
Catastrophe: An award for the cat with the nicest buns.
%%
Catastrophes to others are everyday events to you.
%%
:catatonic: adj. Describes a condition of suspended animation in
   which something is so {wedged} or {hung} that it makes no
   response.  If you are typing on a terminal and suddenly the
   computer doesn't even echo the letters back to the screen as you
   type, let alone do what you're asking it to do, then the computer
   is suffering from catatonia (possibly because it has crashed).
   "There I was in the middle of a winning game of {nethack} and it
   went catatonic on me!  Aaargh!" Compare {buzz}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Catatonic:  An aging cat in desperate need for Geritol...
%%
Catatonic (n) - Italian beverage most preferred by cats.
%%
Cat bathing is a martial art.
%%
Cat - Car Target
%%
Catch a wave!
%%
Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
 -- The Beach Boys
%%
Catch the wave, or don't.  See if we care.
%%
Catch the wind, see it spin, sail away, live the day way up high in
 the sky.
 -- Jimmy Page and Robert Plant
%%
Catchup:  A hair ball...
%%
Cat: Companion in grace, beauty, mystery and curiosity!
%%
CAT.COM started.  Computer will furball in five seconds.
%%
CAT     Confused And Tired [UNIX]
%%
Cat:    Don't fish swim south for the winter?
Kryten: That's birds sir.
Cat:    Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breathe?
 -- Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality'
%%
Categories on Iraqi "Jeopardy!":  Broadway show tunes.
%%
Categories on Iraqi "Jeopardy!":  Famous Mohammeds.
%%
Cat Eradication Council of Greater Toronto
%%
Caterpillar:  A soft scratching post for a kitten...
%%
Cat: Ethereal music wreathed in mystery.
%%
Cat: Fast, psychotoc animal bred for target practice.
%%
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: I will!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Balance of Power'
%%
CATFOOD.CAN not found. Eat Logitech mouse (Y/N)?
%%
Cat for rent.  Specialty:  barking dogs surgically removed.
%%
:cat: [from `catenate' via {{UNIX}} `cat(1)'] vt.
   1. [techspeak] To spew an entire file to the screen or some other
   output sink without pause.  2. By extension, to dump large amounts
   of data at an unprepared target or with no intention of browsing it
   carefully.  Usage: considered silly.  Rare outside UNIX sites.  See
   also {dd}, {BLT}.

   Among UNIX fans, `cat(1)' is considered an excellent example
   of user-interface design, because it delivers the file contents
   without such verbosity as spacing or headers between the files, and
   because it does not require the files to consist of lines of text,
   but works with any sort of data.

   Among UNIX haters, `cat(1)' is considered the {canonical}
   example of *bad* user-interface design, because of its
   woefully unobvious name.  It is far more often used to {blast} a
   file to standard output than to concatenate two files.  The name
   `cat' for the former operation is just as unintuitive as, say,
   LISP's {cdr}.

   Of such oppositions are {holy wars} made....
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CAT! GET AWAY from the monitor! Geezzzz!
%%
Catgut [n], My dog got fleas but my catgut kittens.
%%
Cat HAIR all over the keyboard..
%%
"Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword
 puzzles."
 -- Howard Chaykin
%%
CA, the Granola State - What ain't fruits is nutz.
%%
Cat-holic: Can't stop bringing cats home.
%%
Catholic girls, in the little white dress.
%%
Catholic girls... send me a dozen!
%%
Catholic girls, they never confess.
%%
Cat-holic (n.)  A cat with a drinking problem.
%%
Catholics do it A LOT.
%%
Catholics talk about it afterwards.
%%
Cat: I could've SWORN I heard the can opener!
%%
Cat:   If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
       emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
       Holly).
Holly: (winks back) Thanks, Cat.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Queeg'
%%
Catifornia:  The sunshine State for cats...
%%
CAT: I hope that Schrodinger guy put litter in here...
%%
Cat:    Is that what I think it is?
Lister: What d'you think it is?
Cat:    An orange whirly thing in space!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Backwards'
%%
Cat \kat'\ n. 1: A dog with an attitude problem.
%%
Cat \kat'\ n, Small, four legged, fur bearing extortionist.
%%
Cat:    Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.
Lister: Well wear the smegging gloves.
Cat:    (picking up gloves) Marigold with blue?  Are you crazy?
 -- Red Dwarf 'Queeg'
%%
Cat: Look at that collar! You could go hang gliding!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Timeslides'
%%
Cat: Murphy's way of saying "Nice Furniture!"
%%
Cat: My god! His head burst!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Justice'
%%
Cat:    My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!
Lister: Rimmer's dad has died.
Cat:    Well, I'd prefer chicken.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Better Than Life'
%%
CAT (n.): 1. Furry keyboard cover. 2. Alarm clock. 3. Fur ball puker.
%%
Cat: (n) An Unprogrammable Animal.
%%
CAT, n.  A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be
kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

    This is a dog,
        This is a cat.
    This is a frog,
        This is a rat.
    Run, dog, mew, cat.
    Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
                                                             Elevenson
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CAT (n.): A walking ego with fur.
%%
Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
%%
Cat: Official mascot of the Tagline echo.
%%
Cato instigated the magistrates to punish all offenders, saying that
they that did not prevent crimes when they might, encouraged them.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Roman Apophthegms, Cato the Elder
%%
Catolick:  A religiously clean kitty...
%%
Cat-o'-nine-tails: Noodle machine accident.
%%
Cato requested old men not to add the disgrace of wickedness to old
age, which was accompanied with many other evils.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Roman Apophthegms, Cato the Elder
%%
Cato said, "I had rather men should ask why my statue is not set up,
than why it is."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Political Precepts
%%
Cato said the best way to keep good acts in memory was to refresh
them with new.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Apothegms, No, 247
%%
Cato the elder wondered how that city was preserved wherein a fish
was sold for more than an ox.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Roman Apophthegms, Cato the Elder
%%
Cato used to assert that wise men profited more by fools than fools
by wise men; for that wise men avoided the faults of fools, but that
fools would not imitate the good examples of wise men.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Marcus Cato
%%
Cat philosophy: It doesn't hurt to ask for what you want.
%%
Cat philosophy: When in doubt, cop an attitude.
%%
Cat - Pothole Cover
%%
Cat Problem: Picking hair off your keyboard.
%%
Cat purring on my shoulders - the ONLY way to wear fur!
%%
CAT reader seems to be conflicting with the mouse.
%%
Cats and ferrets don't HAVE the same paw prints.
%%
Cats are a waste of fur.
 -- Rita Rudner
%%
Cats are companions. Dogs are slaves.
%%
Cats are dignified?  Ever watch one clean it's privates?
%%
Cats are easier to train than kids!
%%
Cats are hard on cars. Mostly when you chase them over curbs!
%%
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
 -- Garrison Keillor
%%
CATS ARE IT!
%%
Cats are like furry dilettanti, or the reverse?
%%
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!
%%
Cats aren't intelligent; they just THINK they are.
%%
Cats Are PEOPLE Too.
%%
Cats are pretty cool - you can kill them nine times.
%%
Cats are proof that eating and sleeping aren't all bad.
%%
Cats are PROOF there is a higher purpose to the Universe.
%%
Cats are REAL ANIMALS!
%%
Cats are roommates. Dogs are kids.
%%
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
 through snow.
 -- Jeff Valdez
%%
Cats are soft-furred mammals, who are mildly and clumsily predatory.   They
 have anywhere from two to a dozen neurons. The baseline intellect of a cat
 has two states.  1) Chow state (feeding frenzy) 2) Asleep mode (unconscious
 on your bed with whiskers twitching)
 -- Elaine Richards
%%
Cats are so marvelously true to themselves.
%%
Cats are the soul of honesty, hide not their dislikes.
%%
Catscan - a hi-tech device for examining cats.
%%
Cat Scan:  Searching for kitty...
%%
Cats do not keep mice away, they preserve them for the chase - Barron
%%
Cats don't ask.  Cats take.
%%
Cats do pay attention. Just plug them into the 240v line.  MEWWWR!
%%
Cats flattened while you watch.
 -- Bumpersticker
%%
Cats: God's way of telling you your furniture is too nice.
%%
Cats: Good for dusting high places.
%%
Cats have fur coats because they look silly in raincoats.
%%
Cats have it all -- admiration and an endless sleep
and company only when they want it.
 -- Rod McKuen
%%
Cats have their own lives;  get on with yours.
%%
Cats have the simplest of taste - the best will suffice.
%%
Cats instinctively know the precise moment their owners
 will awaken ... then they awaken them ten minutes sooner.
 -- Garfield's Law
 -- Jim Davis
%%
Cat's In The Bag! The Neighbours Holler!
%%
Cats know all the sunny places.
%%
Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.
%%
Cats KNOW how we feel - they just don't CARE about it!
%%
Cats Know Their Rights.
%%
Cats like to sit on what you are reading at the time.
%%
Cats like WINdoze, it seems to attract Mice...
%%
Cat - small animal when defurred, resembles Chinese food.
%%
Cats - nature's own pop-up targets!
%%
Cats often chase things that their person can't see.
%%
Cats: Pit bull junk food.
%%
Cats polished while you wait. Hot wax costs extra.
%%
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want."
 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
Cats sit in laps because it's warm there. They don't care if it's you or
 the radiator, so it certainly was a compliment when the owner said the cat
 liked me. Who had this cat met that it was comparing me to? The maid?
 Another cat? Here's an animal which can't read, that hasn't been out of the
 house in God knows when, lives on free milk and garbage, and this bum has
 an opinion? Two years old, doesn't have a cent. No clothes. Owns one rotten
 rubber ball. For big entertainment it scratches on the upholstery. And this
 green-eyed impoverished snob likes me? Thanks a group.
 -- Henry Morgan
%%
Cats sleep on shelves like motorized bookends.
%%
Cats - the ultimate stress reliever.
%%
Cats - they're not so brave once they're in a microwave!
%%
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
%%
Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Cats v. Rush Limbaugh: They both have fuzzy tales.
%%
Cats with blue eyes are invariably deaf.
 -- Charles Darwin
%%
Cat: The only self-cleaning appliance in the house.
%%
Cat: This sounds like a twelve-change-of-underwear trip!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Terrorform'
%%
Catty: An afternoon gathering of gossips...
%%
Cat + unattended keyboard = garbage all over screen.
%%
Cat:    What? Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the
        defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
        One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't
        have any defensive shields.  Now, I realise that, technically
        speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such
        a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Holoship'
%%
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand
                still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
                whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal
                laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Stasis Leak'
%%
Caught cheating with shoes off; reading footnotes.
%%
Cauliflower for brains.
%%
Caulking / saran wrap.
%%
"...'cause anyone who would buy this record couldn't
give a fuck if there's good musicians on it....
'cause this is a STUPID song...
...AND THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT!"
 -- Frank Zappa, lyrics to "Little Green Rosetta" in "Joe's Garage"
%%
Cause I love my ol' tag...
%%
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
%%
Cause of Death: CRC Error.
%%
"... 'cause they're Vampire Hookers,
 and blood is not all they suck!"
 -- from "Vampire Hookers", (theme song to "Vampire Hookers")
%%
Cauterize:  Made eye contact with her...
%%
CAUTION! Be very careful of warnings.
%%
CAUTION! Blown Brain At Work!
%%
CAUTION! Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%%
CAUTION! BUG Bashing in progress - Caution!
%%
CAUTION! Computer Store Ahead - Hide Credit Cards!
%%
CAUTION! Contents under pressure!
%%
CAUTION! Corny tagline alert.
%%
CAUTION! Do not install prior to installation.
%%
CAUTION! Do not operate PC while intoxicated.
%%
CAUTION: Do not play in dumster.
 -- found on an industrial size dumster
%%
 CAUTION: Do not put fingers thru rotating blades.
 -- found under the hood of my car
%%
"Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
 -- Sign Seen on Amish Buggy in Illinois
%%
CAUTION! Do not wash your parakeet in the automatic dishwasher, since it is
 now known that the feathers tend to clog the drain.
%%
CAUTION! Evolution can be hazardous to your ego.
%%
CAUTION! High Pressure!!!  Contents are PKZIPED!!
%%
CAUTION! Hockey is addictive.
%%
CAUTION! Hungry Dieter. May bite if provoked .
%%
CAUTION! I brake for Bauds (If I see 'em)
%%
CAUTION! INCORRIGABLE PUNSTER!  DON'T INCORRIGE
%%
Caution--I was not hired for my disposition
%%
CAUTION! Moose crossing tagline   +++ +++   Caution!
%%
CAUTION! Off Medication and Dangerous...
%%
CAUTION! PET XING.
%%
CAUTION! Programmer at work!
%%
CAUTION! REMOVE CAT FROM MICROWAVE WHEN NOT IN USE.
%%
CAUTION! Sensitive SysOp - DO NOT offend !!!! :->
%%
CAUTION! Student BBS'er at the Wheel...
%%
CAUTION! SysOp under pressure!
%%
CAUTION! Tagline Addict on board!!  use taglines carefully!
%%
CAUTION! Tagline may contain small parts. Not for children under 3.
%%
CAUTION! Taglines may be closer than they appear!
%%
CAUTION! Taglines may be hazardous to your disk space!
%%
CAUTION! The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
 Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
%%
CAUTION! The tagline you steal may be your own!
%%
CAUTION! The Users Bite.
%%
CAUTION! This stuff is addictive...
%%
CAUTION! This tagline stop's for page breaks.
%%
CAUTION: This vehicle stops at red lights.
 -- Seen on a bumper sticker
%%
CAUTION! Use with a 3-wire electrical system only!
%%
CAUTION! We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
%%
Cautious monks practice safe sects.
%%
Cavaliers do it mounted.
%%
CA VA SANS DIR - And that's not gossip.
%%
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
%%
Cavendish:  A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
   remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads
   to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a
   British research laboratory where the tobacco is
   smoked in abundance.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
CAVERS do it in the mud
%%
Cave(wo)men all belong to the same club.
%%
CAVILER, n.  A critic of our own work.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cavorting about like that isn't proper behavior.
 -- Picard
%%
CBA: Compare and Branch Anyway
%%
C:\> Bad command or Filename. Go stand in the corner.
%%
C:\> Bad Command or Filename. Or maybe you screwed up.
%%
CBBR: Crash and Blow Boot Read-only memory
%%
CB: Consult Bozo
%%
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files ^^^oo^^^
%%
C'Bers do it on the air.
%%
CBNC: Close, But No Cigar
%%
CBS: Clobber BootStrap
%%
CCB: Chocolate Chip Byte-mode
%%
CCB: Consult Crystal Ball
%%
CC      Call Calvary
%%
CCC - Campus Crusade for Cthulhu.
%%
CCC: Crash if Carry Clear
%%
CCCI    Clear Condition-Codes Indefinitely
%%
CC: Compliment Core
%%
CCCP: Conditionally Corrupt Current Process
%%
CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
%%
CC      Crappy Control [UNIX]
%%
CCD: Choke Cough and Die
%%
CCD: Clear Core and Dump
%%
CCD     Clear Current Directory
%%
CC -G -A -Z  HELLO.C GOODBYE.C ABBEY.C ROAD.C
 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
CChheecckk  yyoouurr  dduupplleexx  sswwiittcchh..
%%
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
%%
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
%%
CCITT=Confused Corporations In Thrall to Terror
%%
C++ classes - call for times and dates!
%%
C:\CLINTON.EXE  Bad President or File Name
%%
C:\CLINTON\TRUTH.COM not found.  Abort, Retry, Impeach?
%%
C code. C code run. Run, code, run!
%%
C code. C code run. Run, code, run. PLEASE!
%%
C:\COFFEE.POT missing: (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep
%%
C:\COPY A:\DAD\*.DNA+B:\MOM\*.DNA C:\BABY.EXE
%%
C:\> COPY A:\MOTHER.DNA+B:\FATHER.DNA C:\BABY.EXE.
%%
CCR: Change Channels at Random
%%
CCS: Chinese Character Set
%%
CCWR: Change Color of Write Ring
%%
C:\DAMSEL.EXE crosslinked w/DISTRESS.COM--RESCUE?(y/n)
%%
CDC: Clear Disk and Crash
%%
CDC: Close Disk Cover
%%
CD C:\IRAQ ... DEL HUSSEIN.SDM ...
%%
CD: Complement Disk
%%
- CDHU - Collateral damage humanoid units - people who get in the way. Not
          that we're purposely aiming at them, but let's face it, it's no
          loss really as they probably aren't Christians and most don't even
          speak English. That's what comes of not being born on the right
          side, in a God-fearing country; serves 'em right, really.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
C:\Divorce.Sys `Echo Y| Erase \Wife\*.*`
%%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\DOS\CRASH
%%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\DOS\RUN\AMUCK
%%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\DOS\RUN\WINDOWS C:\DOS\RUN\SLOW
%%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN C:\WINDOWS\CRASH\DOS
%%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN PLEASE\DOS\RUN
%%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
%%
C:\DOS\SYSTEM\UTILS\DOCS\HELP\WHERE THE F()@% AM I!
%%
C:\DOS\UTILITIES\DOCS\HELP\WHERE\THE\HECK\AM\I
%%
:cdr: /ku'dr/ or /kuh'dr/ [from LISP] vt. To skip past the
   first item from a list of things (generalized from the LISP
   operation on binary tree structures, which returns a list
   consisting of all but the first element of its argument).  In the
   form `cdr down', to trace down a list of elements:  "Shall we
   cdr down the agenda?"  Usage: silly.  See also {loop through}.

   Historical note: The instruction format of the IBM 7090 that hosted
   the original LISP implementation featured two 15-bit fields called
   the `address' and `decrement' parts.  The term `cdr' was originally
   `Contents of Decrement part of Register'.  Similarly, `car' stood
   for `Contents of Address part of Register'.

   The cdr and car operations have since become bases for
   formation of compound metaphors in non-LISP contexts.  GLS recalls,
   for example, a programming project in which strings were
   represented as linked lists; the get-character and skip-character
   operations were of course called CHAR and CHDR.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
# cd /; rm -rf * .* &
%%
CDS: Change Disk Speed
%%
CD \TELIX\ACCESS\QEDIT\TAGLINE:MESSAGE.
%%
:cd tilde: /C-D til-d*/ vi.  To go home.  From the UNIX C-shell
   and Korn-shell command `cd ~', which takes one to
   one's `$HOME' (`cd' with no arguments happens to do the
   same thing).  By extension, may be used with other arguments; thus,
   over an electronic chat link, `cd ~coffee' would
   mean "I'm going to the coffee machine."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
%%
Cease, every joy, to glimmer on my mind,
But leave, oh leave the light of Hope behind!
What though my winged hours of bliss have been
Like angel visits, few and far between.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Pleasures of Hope, Part ii, Line 375
%%
Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah ii, 22
%%
Cecil Parkinson (UK MP):
She's just a f%*king secratery
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
Ceci | n'est pas une pipe
%%
Celebrate Earth Day
%%
Celebrate Freedom:  Read a banned book!
%%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
%%
Celebrate the first day you open the windows.
%%
Celebrity Shadenfreude:
 Lurid thrills derived from talking about celebrity deaths.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Celery farmers play the stalk market.
%%
Celery raw develops a jaw. But stewed, is quietly chewed
%%
Celestial Mechanic--inclined to be eccentric
%%
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
 -- Kelvin Throop III
%%
Celibacy is hereditary.
%%
Celibacy is not hereditary.
 -- First Law of Socio-Genetics
%%
Celibacy is not hereditary.
 -- Guy Godin
%%
CELLISTS give better hand jobs
%%
Cel. Not a word?
Ros. Not one to throw at a dog.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
CELSIUS, ANDERS (1701-44)
  Swedish astronomer. At the age of 25, he had a raging argument with
  best friend Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (1686-1736) when he claimed
  that Fahrenheit's system of measuring temperature was completely
  fucked, and that he could design a better system whilst standing on
  his head blindfolded in a bucket of lard. Fahrenheit rose to the
  challenge, bringing along his friend Jeff Imperial, a blindfold,
  and a very large bucket of lard. Celsius's good friend Verner Von
  Metric stood by as Celsius designed his system of measuring
  temperature. Celsius and Metric then got into a huge fight with
  Fahrenheit and Imperial, and they ended up throwing ice cubes and
  boiling water at one another. It was only later that they realised
  that Celsius's brother Kelvin had been watching all the time and
  had ripped off the new design and sold it to an entrepreneur.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Cement shoes, dirt cheap. Ask for Guido.
%%
Cemetery: (n); A marble orchard you can take for granite.
%%
CEMETERY, n.  An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies,
poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.  The
inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained
in these Olympian games:

        His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to
    overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives
    they were a rebuke, represented them as vices.  They are here
    commemorated by his family, who shared them.

        In the earth we here prepare a
        Place to lay our little Clara.
                                             Thomas M. and Mary Frazer
        P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CEMU: Close Eyes and Monkey with User space
%%
Ce n'est qu'un debut.
Continuons le combat.
[It is just a beginning. Let us go on fighting]
 -- Slogan, Paris, 1968
%%
CENSORED BY THE TAGLINE POLICE...
%%
Censor:  (n) One who drinks too much prude juice.
%%
Censorship is something [[[[[[ [[[[ I do [[[ like
%%
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it
should end there.
 -- Clare Boothe Luce
%%
"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a
hallmark of an authoritative regime."
 -- Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart
%%
"Censorship rules!"

What the XXXX is that XXXXXXXXX XXXXXX talking about?
 -- Yoshi
%%
Censorship sucks///// is for your own good
%%
Censorship: The reaction of the ignorant to freedom.
%%
Censorship?  We don't have any censorship here.  If we did, I couldn't
say ---- or ------ ------!
%%
Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Thoughts on Various Subjects
%%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
 how many?
%%
Cent, 5 cent, 10 cent, dollar.
%%
CENTAUR, n.  One of a race of persons who lived before the division of
labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who
followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse."  The
best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse
added the fleetness of man.  The scripture story of the head of John
the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat
sophisticated sacred history.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Center For Advanced Cat Juggling!
%%
Centerline Bovine
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Center meeting at 4 pm in 2C-543.
%%
Central Intelligence (Agency)
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Centrifugation relies on the sedimentation of particles in an increased
gravitational field.
 -- Scopes, 'Protein Purification Principles and Practice'. 1982.
%%
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
%%
Ce qui est chouette avec VMS c'est le temps qu'on perd a faire
fonctionner les choses, avant de pouvoir travailler.
%%
C:\> erase c:\reality.sys; copy a:\pern\*.* c:
%%
CERBERUS, n.  The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the
entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody,
sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the
entrance.  Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the
poets have credited him with as many as a hundred.  Professor
Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give
his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes
the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely
conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs,
and (b) something about arithmetic.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex.
%%
Cereal killer convicted - gets Life!
%%
Cereal killer escapes -- Trix police!
%%
Cereal killer said to be a Flake.
%%
Cereal Killer Strikes Again! Cap'n Crunch found dead.
%%
Cereal Killer Strikes Again - does it for Kix!
%%
Cereal port 1 error, frosted flakes NOT found!
%%
Cerebral Babylon - Because the mind is a terrible thing to taste.
%%
"Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING.  Cerebus is the POPE."
 -- Cerebus
%%
Cerebus:        I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka:               Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
Cerebus:    If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
         out of it?
Jaka:               Ugh!
Cerebus:  You don't like apricot brandy?
 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
%%
:Ceremonial Chemicals:

Most hackers don't smoke tobacco, and use alcohol in moderation if at
all (though there is a visible contingent of exotic-beer fanciers, and a
few hackers are serious oenophiles).  Limited use of non-addictive
psychedelic drugs, such as cannabis, LSD, psilocybin, and nitrous oxide,
etc., used to be relatively common and is still regarded with more
tolerance than in the mainstream culture.  Use of `downers' and opiates,
on the other hand, appears to be particularly rare; hackers seem in
general to dislike drugs that make them stupid.  On the third hand, many
hackers regularly wire up on caffeine and/or sugar for all-night hacking
runs.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old
friends lacked certain quirks.
 -- Goethe
%%
Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.
%%
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I
will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations.  And I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a
news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it
there!  Does that answer your question?
 -- Senator Dan Quayle, when asked what he would do if he
assumed the Presidency,  10/10/88  (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
~
I had not had that question before.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle explaining why, during the Bentsen
debate,  he couldn't say what he would do if he suddenly
became president, 10/6/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Critic, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't
bet, you can't win.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying then without money?
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
Certainly this is a duty, not a sin. "Cleanliness is indeed next to godliness."
 -- John Wesley (1703-1791)
 -- Sermon xciii, On Dress
%%
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.    A judge of the
Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
candidate which reads, In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
being nuts (unground).
 -- from the Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
%%
Certain things shouldn't be moved.
 -- Murray Teigh Bloom
%%
Certainty is only a symptom of lack of imagination.
%%
Certifiably drain-bamaged ...
%%
Certified Debugger = VW Mechanic with Inspection License
%%
Certified Public Assassin.
%%
Certified Rocket Scientist.
%%
Certified to serve!
%%
Certum est quia impossibile est.
[It is certain because it is impossible.]
 -- Tertullian (160-240 AD)
 -- De Carne Christi, c. 5
%%
Certum quod factum.
%%
Cervantes smil'd Spain's chivalry away.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto xiii, Stanza 11
%%
Cesarean Section: A historic district in Rome.
%%
C'est la vie.
%%
C'est la vie, C'est la guerre, Say no more.
%%
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre.
 -- Marshal Bosquet
%%
"Ceterum censeo clitorem Vostris Sanctissimae Majestatis ante
coitum excitandam esse."
 -- Advice given to Empress Maria Theresa by her personal physician.
%%
CEX: Call EXterminator
%%
CF: Come From [replaces goto]
%%
CFE     Call Field Engineer [What do you call them?]
%%
CFP: Change and Forget Password
%%
CFS: Corrupt File Structure
%%
CGA = Computer Geeks Anonymous
%%
CGA is the pallete from hell
%%
CG: Convert to Garbage
%%
:chad box: n. A metal box about the size of a lunchbox (or in some
   models a large wastebasket), for collecting the {chad} (sense 2)
   that accumulated in {Iron Age} card punches.  You had to open
   the covers of the card punch periodically and empty the chad box.
   The {bit bucket} was notionally the equivalent device in the CPU
   enclosure, which was typically across the room in another great
   gray-and-blue box.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:chad: /chad/ n. 1. The perforated edge strips on printer paper, after
   they have been separated from the printed portion.  Also called
   {selvage} and {perf}.  2. obs. The confetti-like paper bits punched
   out of cards or paper tape; this was also called `chaff', `computer
   confetti', and `keypunch droppings'.

   Historical note: One correspondent believes `chad' (sense 2)
   derives from the Chadless keypunch (named for its inventor), which
   cut little u-shaped tabs in the card to make a hole when the tab
   folded back, rather than punching out a circle/rectangle; it was
   clear that if the Chadless keypunch didn't make them, then the
   stuff that other keypunches made had to be `chad'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:chain: 1. [orig. from BASIC's `CHAIN' statement] vi. To hand
   off execution to a child or successor without going through the
   {OS} command interpreter that invoked it.  The state of the
   parent program is lost and there is no returning to it.  Though
   this facility used to be common on memory-limited micros and is
   still widely supported for backward compatibility, the jargon usage
   is semi-obsolescent; in particular, most UNIX programmers will
   think of this as an {exec}.  Oppose the more modern
   `subshell'.  2. A series of linked data areas within an
   operating system or application.  `Chain rattling' is the process
   of repeatedly running through the linked data areas searching for
   one which is of interest to the executing program.  The implication
   is that there is a very large number of links on the chain.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chaining:
A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Chain Lightning:  For when you just can't stop at one.
%%
Chainsaw...splashguard...new goggles...:Jeffery Dalhmer Xmas list...
%%
Chain Tagline, add one to the number when you steel it. [00031]
%%
Chain Tagline: Now stolen [266] times. Add 1 as stolen.
%%
Chain tagline; steal this or suffer consequences.
%%
"Chair"

     Four legs,
    Supports students
     Like
  Jock Strap
    Supports atheletes.
 -- "Sir Victor"
%%
Champagne don't make me lazy.
Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
Ain't nobody's business but my own.
 -- Taj Mahal
%%
Champagne is the only wine a woman can drink and still remain beautiful.
 -- Mme. de Pompadour
%%
Champagne to our real friends...and real pain to our sham friends.
%%
Chance fights ever on the side of the prudent.
 -- Euripides
%%
Chance is perhaps the pseudonym of God when he does not wish to sign his work.
 -- Anatole France
%%
Chang: "Ahh, 'the game's afoot', hmm?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "And were you obeying or disobeying orders...when you arranged the
  assassination of Chancellor Gorkon?"
Kirk: "I didn't know about the assassination until we boarded the ship."
Chang: "Do you still deny that you did not fire on Kronos One?"
Worf: "Your Honors, *please*!"
Chang: "And do you still deny your men beamed aboard and shot the chancellor?"
Worf: "Objection!"
Kirk: "I cannot confirm or deny actions I did not witness."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "And you have a singular wit, Doctor."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Captain Kirk, are you aware, that as the captain of a starship, you are
required to be responsible for the actions of your crew?"
Kirk: "I am."
Chang: "And if it should be proved that members of your crew *did* in fact
carry out such an assassination..."
McCoy: "Jim, they're setting us up!  Your Honors--"
Worf: "Do not answer!"
Judge: "Captain Kirk, you will answer the question!"
Kirk: "As captain...I am responsible for the conduct of the crew under my
command."
Chang: "Your Honors, the State rests."
 -- STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "'Cry havoc!  And let slip the dogs of war!'"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Doctor McCoy, would you be so good as to tell me...what is your current
  medical status?"
McCoy: "Aside from a touch of arthritis, I'd say pretty good."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Change a life; make someone feel important.
%%
Change is good, but dollars are better.
%%
Change is inevitable- except from a vending machine.
 -- Robert C. Gallagher
%%
Change is not progress.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
'Change' is scientific, 'progress' is ethical; change is indubitable,
whereas progress is a matter of controversy.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
Change is the essential process of all existence.
 -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
%%
Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are
certain to miss the future.
 -- John F. Kennedy, 1964
%%
Change, my dear. And it seems not a moment too soon!
 -- The SIXTH Doctor
%%
Change starts when someone sees the next step.
 -- William Drayton
%%
Change your life!   Change your socks!  Change yourself into a 9 year-old Hindu
boy!
%%
Change your mind, it's starting to smell.
%%
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
%%
Chang: "Have you not a shred a decency...in you, Kirk?  We come in peace, and
  you *blatantly* defile that peace!  And for that, I shall blow you out of the
  stars!"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "I can see you, Kirk."
Kirk: "Chang!"
Chang: "Can you see me?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "I have so wanted to meet you, Captain."
Kirk: "I'm not sure how to take that."
Kerla: "Sincere admiration, Kirk."
Chang: "From one warrior to another?"
Kirk: "Right."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chang: "'I'm as constant as the Northern Star!"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Changing Diapers is not just a job, it's a doody.
%%
Changing gears, here.
%%
Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before
anyone else is creativeness.
 -- Antony Jay
%%
Chang: "I offer into the record this excerpt from the captain's personal log."
Kirk: "I have never trusted Klingons...and I never will. I have never been able
to forgive them...for the death of my boy."
Chang: "AGAIN!  AGAIN!"
Kirk: "I have never trusted Klingons...and I never will. I have never been able
to forgive them...for the death of my boy."
Chang: "Were those your words?"
Kirk: "Those words were spoken by me."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Oh, now be honest, Captain.  Warrior to warrior.  You do prefer
it this  way, don't you, as it was meant to be.  No peace in our time.
 'Once more onto  the breach, dear friends.'"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Our battles now are ended, Kirk."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Tell me, Captain Kirk, will you be willing...to give up Starfleet?"
Spock: [Clears throat]  "I believe the captain feels that Starfleet's mission
  has always been one of peace."
Chang: "Ah."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chang: "Tell us that you planned to take revenge for the death of your son."
Kirk: "That's not true."
Worf: "Objection!  Captain Kirk has not been identified as the assassin!"
Judge: "Sustained."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "The Enterprise fired on Kronos One without provocation, the chancellor
  and his advisors, having been lulled into a false sense of security, by an
  invitation to a state dinner aboard Captain Kirk's vessel, at precisely
  nineteen-hundred and thirty hours that same evening."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "There we have it, citizens.  We have finally established the
particulars
  of the crime.  And now, we come to the architect of this tragic event...James
  ...*Tiberius*...Kirk."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "'Tickle us do we not laugh, prick us do we not bleed, wrong us...shall
  we not revenge.'"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "'To be or not to be?'  That is the question which preoccupies our
  people, Captain Kirk.  We need breathing room."
Kirk: "Earth, Hitler, 1938."
Chang: "I beg your pardon?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chang: "Under Article Number 184 of your...Interstellar Law, I am placing you
  under arrest, for the charge of assassinating...the Chancellor of the High
  Council."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Was Chancellor Gorkon...alive when you first examined him?"
McCoy: "Barely." Chang: "Now be careful, Doctor, have you ever, in
your past, saved...patients as  'barely' alive as he?" McCoy: "I didn't
have the medical knowledge I needed for Klingon anatomy." Chang: "I
see." McCoy: "You were there!"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Well, most kind.  'Parting is such sweet sorrow', hmm?"  [Laughs]
  "Captain?  Have we not heard 'the chimes at midnight'?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chang: "What would your favorite author say, 'Let us sit upon the ground and
  tell sad stories of the death of kings.'  Tell us your sad story, Kirk."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "Your father was killed for what he wanted."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "You say you are due for retirement!  May I ask, do your hands
shake?" Worf: "Objection!" McCoy: "I was nervous!" Chang: "No.  You
were incompetant.  You were incompetant!  Whether deliberately  or
as a result of age combined with drink!  The court will have to determine."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chang: "You were demoted?"
Kirk: "Yes."
Chang: "For insubordiation?"
Kirk: "On occasion, I have disobeyed orders."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
:channel hopping: [IRC, GEnie] n. To rapidly switch channels on
   {IRC}, or a GEnie chat board, just as a social butterfly might hop
   from one group to another at a party.  This term may derive from the TV
   watcher's idiom, `channel surfing'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Channeling is just bad ventriloquism.  You use another voice,
but people can see your lips moving.
 -- Penn Jillette
%%
Channeling is when something invades your body and makes you talk funny and
 say strange things...which is what happens to most people when they drink
 too much.
%%
:channel: [IRC] n. The basic unit of discussion on {IRC}.  Once
   one joins a channel, everything one types is read by others on that
   channel.  Channels can either be named with numbers or with strings
   that begin with a `#' sign and can have topic descriptions (which
   are generally irrelevant to the actual subject of discussion).
   Some notable channels are `#initgame', `#hottub', and
   `#report'.  At times of international crisis, `#report'
   has hundreds of members, some of whom take turns listening to
   various news services and typing in summaries of the news, or in
   some cases, giving first-hand accounts of the action (e.g., Scud
   missile attacks in Tel Aviv during the Gulf War in 1991).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:channel op: /chan'l op/ [IRC] n. Someone who is endowed with
   privileges on a particular {IRC} channel; commonly abbreviated
   `chanop' or `CHOP'.  These privileges include the right to
   {kick} users, to change various status bits, and to make others
   into CHOPs.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CHANNELS - The guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
 -- THE ALL-PURPOSE BUSINESSMAN'S VOCABULARY
%%
Chantilly Lace had a pretty face; a ponytail, hanging down.
%%
Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world
%%
Chaos is your friend.
%%
Chaos (n): mass confusion; disorder - see also American Government
%%
Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.
 -- Henry B. Adams
%%
Chaos of thought and passion, all confused;
Still by himself abused or disabused;
Created half to rise, and half to fall;
Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all;
Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurled,--
The glory, jest, and riddle of the world.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 13
%%
Chaotic Amorals have more fun
%%
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
Chaparral - A men only arral.
%%
Chaperone: a form of fire extinguisher.
%%
Chapter XIII

OF Auxiliary, Mixed, and National Arms

The second sort of unprofitable arms are auxiliaries, by whom I mean, troops
brought to help and protect you by a potentate whom you summon to your aid;

Auxiliaries may be excellent and useful soldiers for themselves, but are
always hurtful to him who calls them in; for if they are defeated, he is
undone, if victorious, he becomes their prisoner.  . . .

 -- from The Prince, by Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
%%
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of
trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition
inspired and success achieved.
 -- Helen Keller
%%
Character Density, n.:
   The number of very weird people in the office.
%%
Character doesn't matter!
(The Press)
%%
Character is a perfectly educated will.
 -- Novalis
%%
Character is much easier kept than recovered.
%%
Character is that which can do without success.
 -- Emerson
%%
Characteristics, specifications, dimensions and any other data included
in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as tenth of
troy once per barn for pressures, or acre times atmosphere per kilogram
for speeds.
 -- Universal Tech Document Units Law
%%
Character is what God and the angels know of
us; reputation is what men and women think of us.
 -- Horace Mann
%%
Character is what you are in the dark.
 -- Dwight Moody, Sermons
%%
Character is who you are in the dark.
 -- Lord John Whorfin
%%
Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness
%%
char c[99],s[]="char c[99],s[]=@@@;main(){strcpy(c,s);s[15]=34;s[16]=0;s[17]=34
;printf(s);printf(c);puts(&s[17]);}";main(){strcpy(c,s);s[15]=34;s[16]=0;s[17]=
34;printf(s);printf(c);puts(&s[17]);}
%%
char *c[]= {"ENTER", "NEW", "POINT", "FIRST", };
char **cp[]= {c + 3, c + 2, c + 1, c};
char ***cpp= cp;
main()
{
  printf("%s", **++cpp);
  printf("%s ", *--*++cpp + 3);
  printf("%s", *cpp[-2] + 3);
  printf("%s\n", cpp[-1][-1] + 1);
}
%%
Charity:  a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Charity begins at home.
%%
Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again.
%%
Charity shall cover the multitude of sins.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Peter iv, 8
%%
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity
vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly,
seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth
not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth; beareth all things, believeth
all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
 -- I Corinthians xiii, 4-7
%%
Charity suffereth long and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth
not itself, is not puffed up.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians xiii, 4
%%
:charityware: /cha'rit-ee-weir`/ n. Syn. {careware}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:char: /keir/ or /char/; rarely, /kar/ n. Shorthand for
   `character'.  Esp. used by C programmers, as `char' is
   C's typename for character data.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
%%
Charleston, SC * Charleston's Finest!!!
%%
"     "
 -- Charlie Chaplin
"     "
 -- Harpo Marx
"     "
 -- Marcel Marceau
"Ack, phfftt"
 -- Bill the Cat
%%
Charlie don't surf.
 -- Col. Kilgore (Apocalypse Now)
%%
Charly the Bingo God says  Mundo No to Null Backups @ copyland
 -- dan is doing allniters again
%%
Charm ache with air, and agony with words.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Charm'd with the foolish whistling of a name
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- Virgil, Georgics, Book ii, Line 72
%%
Charming as a carbuncle.
%%
Charming man, I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry him.
 -- Douglas Adams
 -- The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Aurthur Dent
%%
Charms strike the sight, but merit wins the soul.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto v, Line 34
%%
  Charon: fiery singer now playing the styx.
 -- Not-so-Famous People from History
%%
Char *p="char *p=%c%s%c;main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}";main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}
%%
"Charracter is whata you arre ina the dark!"
 -- E. Lizardo
%%
Char (*(*x())[])()
%%
"C++ has a host of operators that will be explained if and where needed."
 -- "The C++ Programming Language".
%%
Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though
you never touch its coattails.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
Chase brave employment with a naked sword
Throughout the world.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- The Church Porch
%%
:chase pointers: 1. vi. To go through multiple levels of
   indirection, as in traversing a linked list or graph structure.
   Used esp. by programmers in C, where explicit pointers are a very
   common data type.  This is techspeak, but it remains jargon when
   used of human networks.  "I'm chasing pointers.  Bob said you
   could tell me who to talk to about...." See {dangling
   pointer} and {snap}.  2. [Cambridge] `pointer chase' or
   `pointer hunt': The process of going through a {core dump}
   (sense 1), interactively or on a large piece of paper printed with
   hex {runes}, following dynamic data-structures.  Used only in a
   debugging context.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chasing women has never harmed any one,
it's catching them that does the damage.
%%
Chaste as the icicle
That 's curdied by the frost from purest snow
And hangs on Dian's temple.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Chaste makes waste.
%%
Chaste: why virgins run.
%%
Chastise the good child and he will mend, chastise the bad and he will grow
worse.
%%
Chastity is a monkish and evangelical superstition, a greater foe
to natural temperance even than unintellectual sensuality; it strikes
at the root of all domestic happiness, and consigns more than half
of the human race to misery.
 -- Shelley
%%
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
%%
Chastity is its own punishment.
%%
Chastity:
 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
 -- Aldous Huxley
%%
Chat mode is disabled during Dr Who.
%%
CHCJ: Compare Haig to Christine Jorgensen
%%
CH: Create Havoc
%%
Cheaper than IBM: P.C. Clone
%%
Cheap Saudi apartments: Call Low-Rents of Arabia
%%
Cheap software doesn't *have* to be good!
%%
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
%%
Cheating on His Wife: Izzy Backyet
%%
Check again to make SURE it's not loaded.
%%
CHECK AND RESET THE DATE!
%%
Check book: a book with a unhappy ending.
%%
Check for *.bat's in your c:\belfry\ !
%%
Check for toilet paper *before* sitting down.
%%
Check, Mr. Spock?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
 -- Kirk and Spock, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown
%%
:check: n. A hardware-detected error condition, most commonly used
   to refer to actual hardware failures rather than software-induced
   traps.  E.g., a `parity check' is the result of a
   hardware-detected parity error.  Recorded here because the word
   often humorously extended to non-technical problems. For example,
   the term `child check' has been used to refer to the problems
   caused by a small child who is curious to know what happens when
   s/he presses all the cute buttons on a computer's console (of
   course, this particular problem could have been prevented with
   {molly-guard}s).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Checkpoint:
The location from which a programmer draws his salary.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Check the dilithium crystals, we got us a cross-echo!
%%
Check the whiskers, whats going on out there?
%%
Check to see if you any words out.
 -- Writing Rule 15
%%
Checkuary, n.:
        The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and
ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
checks.
%%
Check your altimeter! Pull a lever! Push a button!
%%
Check your hormones at the door.  THANKS
 -- The Management
%%
Cheeble softly, and carry a big chewstick.
%%
Cheech!  Hey!  Cheech!
%%
Cheerfulness is the principal ingredient in the composition of health.
 -- A. Murphy, The Apprentice, II, 4
%%
Cheerful pessimist
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Cheerleaders do it enthusiastically.
%%
Cheer up--if the economy collapses completely, you
won't owe your student loan to anybody
%%
Cheer up man. The worst is yet to come.
%%
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
%%
Cheer up, you'll soon be dead.
%%
Cheese and salt meat should be sparingly eat.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
Cheese can be your friend!
%%
Cheese is milk's leap towards immortality.
%%
"Cheese it, cheddar-breath, you can't fight America's Action Hero, see?"
 -- Gangster in The Firesign Theatre's production of
              "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%%
Cheese Une Crackers! This TagLine is Crummy
%%
Cheezwiz for brains.
%%
Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.
%%
Chefs do it for dessert.
%%
Chefs do it in the kitchen.
%%
Chekov: "Ah, it's nothing, it's nothing."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "And if we cannot peice together what happened?  What then, sir?"
Spock: "In that case, Mister Chekov, it resides in the purview of the
  diplomats."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "'Botany Bay'.  Botany Bay?  Oh no!"
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Chekov: "But if he's cloaked..."
Kirk: "Then all we have is a neutron radiation surge, and by the time we're
  close enough to record it, we're ashes."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "Could you use another hand, Admiral?"
Kirk: "Man the weapons console, Mister Chekov."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Chekov: "Course heading, Captain?"
Kirk: "Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "Excuse me, we are looking for nuclear wessels.  Nuclear wessels."
 -- "STIV:TVH", Stardate 8390.
%%
Chekov: "Guess who's coming to dinner?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chekov: "I do not understand.  If there was a ship underneath us,
surely the  assassins beamed aboard from that wessel, not Enterprise."
Spock: "You're forgetting something, Mister Chekov.  According to
our databanks,  this ship fired those torpedoes.  If we did, the killers
are here.  If we did  not, whoever altered the databanks is here.
 In either case, what we are  looking for, is here."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "If I live long enough, I'm going to run out of samples."
 -- "The Deadly Years", Stardate 3479.4.
%%
Chekov: "Incoming!"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "It must be the radiation."
 -- "STIV:TVH", Stardate 8390.
%%
Chekov: "I vill have to stun you.  I'm wery sorry."
 -- "STIV:TVH", Stardate 8390.
%%
Chekov: "Khan!" Khan: [To Terrell]  "I don't know you."  [To Chekov]
 "But you, I never forget a  face, Mister Chekov, isn't it?  I never
thought to see your face again."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Chekov: "No casualties, Doctor." McCoy: "Wrong, Mister Chekov, there
are casualties.  My wits!  As in 'frightened  out of', Captain, sir!"
 -- "ST:TMP", Stardate 1513.8.
%%
Chekov: "Now we go to Starfleet!"
Spock: "Now we expand our search to include uniforms."
Chekov: "All uniforms?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "Perhaps I can assist."
Kirk: "How old are you?"
Chekov: "Twenty-two, sir."
Kirk: "Then I'd better handle it."
 -- "Who Mourns For Adonais?", Stardate 3468.1.
%%
Chekov: "[Scotch] was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad."
 -- "The Trouble With Tribbles", Stardate 4525.6.
%%
Chekov: "Shall we raise our shields, Captain?"
Kirk: "Never been this close."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chekov: "Shields up, Captain?"
Valeris: "Captain, our shields!"
Chekov: "Shields up, Captain?"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "So, this is goodbye."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "Starship Log, Stardate 8130.4.  Log entry by First Officer Pavel
  Chekov.  Starship Reliant on orbital approach to Ceti Alpha VI in connection
  with Project Genesis.  We are continuing our search for a lifeless planet to
  satisfy the requirement of a test site for the Genesis experiment.  So far no
  success."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Chekov: "There's nothing here.  The tricorder must be broken."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Chekov: "Torpedoes ready, sir."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
Chekov: "We do believe that all planets have a sovereign claim to inalienable
  human rights."
Azetbur: "'Inalien'.  If only you could hear yourselves.  'Human rights'.  Why
  the very name is racist.  The Federation is no more than a Homo-sapians-only
  club."
Chang: "Present company excepted, of course."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Chekov: "What are we looking for, sir?"
Spock: "Lieutenant..."
Valeris: "Two pairs of gravity boots."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chekov: "Why not simply waperize them?"
Valeris: "Like this?  At ease.  As you know, Commander Chekov, no one can fire
  an unauthorized phaser aboard a starship."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Chelsea Clinton: Dad, meet my new steady...Rush Limbaugh!
%%
Chelsea Clinton is worth a thousand condom commercials.
%%
Chelsea Clinton: "PLEASE tell me I'm adopted!"
%%
Chelsea: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Rush!
%%
Chem E's make the best heat exchangers
%%
Chemical:  A substance that:  1)  An organic chemist turns into a
   foul odor;  2)  an analytical chemist turns into a
   procedure;  3)  a physical chemist turns into a
   straight line;  4)  a biochemist turns into a helix;
   5)  a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
   chemist only does for fun.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.
%%
CHEMICAL ENGINEERS do it under a fume hood
%%
Chemicals, n.:
Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%%
:chemist: [Cambridge] n. Someone who wastes computer time on
   {number-crunching} when you'd far rather the machine were doing
   something more productive, such as working out anagrams of your
   name or printing Snoopy calendars or running {life} patterns.
   May or may not refer to someone who actually studies chemistry.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chemistry is applied theology.
 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
%%
Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose.
%%
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
%%
CHEMISTS do it in an excited state
%%
Chemists do it in test tubes.
%%
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
%%
Chemists do it on the bench!
%%
Chemists do it periodically on table.
%%
Chemists do it reactively.
%%
Chemists have nice reactions.
%%
Chemists have solutions.
%%
Chemists like to experiment.
%%
Chemists never die -- they just stop reacting.
%%
Chemists really know their bismuth.
%%
Cherishing children is the mark of a civilized society.
 -- Joan Ganz Cooney
%%
Cher is starting a new chain of restaurants called "The Rib Cage."
%%
Cher is to beauty what a step ladder is to a frog.
%%
:Chernobyl packet: /cher-noh'b*l pak'*t/ n. A network packet that
   induces a {broadcast storm} and/or {network meltdown},
   in memory of the April 1986 nuclear accident at Chernobyl
   in Ukraine.  The typical scenario involves an IP Ethernet datagram
   that passes through a gateway with both source and destination
   Ether and IP address set as the respective broadcast addresses for
   the subnetworks being gated between.  Compare {Christmas tree
   packet}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chernobyl used MACs.
%%
Chernobyl uses NT.
%%
Chernobyl uses OS/2.
%%
Chernobyl was using DOS 6.0, shouldn't you?
%%
Cherry ripe, ripe, ripe, I cry,
Full and fair ones,--come and buy!
If so be you ask me where
They do grow, I answer, there,
Where my Julia's lips do smile,--
There 's the land, or cherry-isle.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- Cherry Ripe
%%
"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
              which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're quite sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk
long enough."
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
Chess is about as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as
you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency.
 -- Raymond Chandler
%%
Chess is a sea in which a gnat may drink and an elephant may bathe.
%%
Chess, like love, like music, has the power to make men happy.
 -- S. Tarrasch
%%
Chess players check their mates.
%%
Chess players do it in their minds.
%%
Chess players do it with knights/kings/queens/bishops/mates.
%%
Chess players mate better.
%%
Chevrolet: Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
%%
Chevrolet: Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
%%
Chevy: Charged Heavily
%%
Chevy: Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet
%%
Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn
%%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%%
Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
%%
Chicago Tribune Headline: THE FAME OF PLAINS IS MAINLY ON THE WANE.
%%
CHICAGO: Yesterdays Operating SYstem Today!
%%
Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
%%
:chicken head: [Commodore] n. The Commodore Business Machines logo,
   which strongly resembles a poultry part.  Rendered in ASCII as
   `C='.  With the arguable exception of the Amiga (see {amoeba}),
   Commodore's machines are notoriously crocky little {bitty box}es
   (see also {PETSCII}).  Thus, this usage may owe something to
   Philip K. Dick's novel "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?"
   (the basis for the movie "Blade Runner"; the novel is now sold
   under that title), in which a `chickenhead' is a mutant with
   below-average intelligence.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
%%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
 -- Firestone's Law of Forcasting
%%
Chicken Little was right.
%%
Chickens are how eggs make more eggs.
%%
Chicken Soup, n.:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts
of aureomycin,
cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is
neurotic dependence on one's mother.
 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
Chickens...the only animals you can eat before they are born....and after
 they are dead. The first is an encore performance, the second the final
 act.
%%
Chicken Suit: The official uniform of Bill Clinton...
%%
Chicken Teriyaki: name of the only living Kamikazi pilot.
%%
:chiclet keyboard: n. A keyboard with a small, flat rectangular or
   lozenge-shaped rubber or plastic keys that look like pieces of
   chewing gum.  (Chiclets is the brand name of a variety of chewing
   gum that does in fact resemble the keys of chiclet keyboards.)
   Used esp. to describe the original IBM PCjr keyboard.  Vendors
   unanimously liked these because they were cheap, and a lot of early
   portable and laptop products got launched using them.  Customers
   rejected the idea with almost equal unanimity, and chiclets are not
   often seen on anything larger than a digital watch any more.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chicloexdus:  The route taken by a gumball to avoid capture...
%%
Chide a friend in private and praise him in public.
 -- Solon
%%
Chief Bowels had to move ... Too much poop in tee-pee!
%%
Chief Kirk, beam the landing party to the bridge.
%%
Chiefly the mould of a man's fortune is in his own hands.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Fortune
%%
Chief of the Army.
 -- Napoleon I [Napoleon Bonaparte], 1821.
%%
Chiefs beat da Steelers! Bring on Houston Baby!
%%
Chiefs who no more in bloody fights engage,
But wise through time, and narrative with age,
In summer-days like grasshoppers rejoice,--
A bloodless race, that send a feeble voice.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book iii, Line 199
%%
Chief weapons of UNIX:  Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.
%%
Chi ha del ferro ha del pane.

[Who has steel has bread].
 -- Blanqui, quoted by Mussolini
%%
"Chika-go!  Bang Bang!"
 -- Czech border guards (including Joe Flaharty) with guns
 -- pointed at them, from STRIPES
%%
Childhood is a glorious time. You can lose weight simply by taking a bath.
%%
"Childhood is short and maturity is forever."
 -- Calvin and Hobbes
%%
Childhood is the place where nobody dies,
 Nobody that matters, that is.
 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%%
CHILDHOOD, n.  The period of human life intermediate between the
idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin
of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CHILDHOOD...That happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep.
%%
Childish game: one at which your spouse beats you.
%%
Child of a Looser God
%%
Child of mortality, whence comest thou? Why is thy countenance sad,
and why are thine eyes red with weeping?
 -- Mrs. Barbauld (1743-1825)
 -- Hymns in Prose, xiii
%%
Child rearing myth #1: Labor ends when the baby is born.
%%
Children and fooles cannot lye.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
Children, apples of my eyes, when you feel like weeping gems, go to the
garbage dumps, the dead ends of the labyrinth, the oubliettes, the cemeteries,
the charnal grounds. Find yourself a spot there and surrender to the
melancholy of the place, recollect the sadness around you and the misery of
the world, and wish ardently that they cease. The more sincere your feelings,
the clearer the gems that will form. Gems from cruelty have facets, gems from
broken hearts are purple or orange, the death of a child brings forth
emeralds; animals that people torment bring forth pearls and diamonds. The
deeper the emotion, the more luminous the gem.
 -- Esther Rochon/Henry Polard
%%
Children are a great comfort in your old age;
and they help you reach it faster, too.
 -- Lionel Kauffman
%%
Children are all foreigners.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Children are curly, dimpled lunatics.
%%
Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.
 -- Lady Bird Johnson
%%
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%%
Children are not born prejudiced....
%%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
Children are our future: Teach them well and love them honest.
%%
Children are our most valuable national resource.
 -- Herbert Hoover
%%
Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardour, for their
curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of
their vision.
 -- Aldous Huxley
%%
Children are stupid. That's why they're in school. I'd lecture for an hour
 about percentages and interest rates and at the end I'd ask one simple
 question, "You put ten grand in a bank for one year at 5 1/2 percent and
 what do you get?" Some kid would always yell out, "A toaster."
 -- Jeffrey Jena
%%
Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Phaedra, Frag. 619
%%
Children are to be won to follow liberal studies by exhortations and
rational motives, and on no account to be forced thereto by whipping.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency
 they're going to catch you in next.
 -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
Children at the front seat cause accidents,
 accidents at the back seat cause children!
%%
Children become ready for toilet training and independence at the same time.
%%
Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely,
if ever, do they forgive them.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Children come from God.  He can't stand the noise either.
%%
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after
a good night's sleep.
 -- Dr. R. F. Gumperson
%%
Children have more need of models than of critics.
%%
Children learne to creepe ere they can learne to goe.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
Children Learn What They Live!
%%
Children, like animals, use all their senses to discover the world. Then
artists come along and discover it the same way all over again.
Eudora Welty
%%
Children need encouragement.  So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was
 a lucky guess.  That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Children: Pure love contained in soft packages.
%%
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
%%
Children should be seen, not heard.
%%
Children solidify marriages by allowing that the parents now have someone
 else to blame it on!
%%
Children's Songbook: Skip Tumalu.
%%
"Children today are tyrants.  They contradict their parents, gobble
their food, and tyrannize their teachers."
 -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.)
%%
Children: unreasonable facsimilies.
%%
Child Rowland to the dark tower came,
His word was still,--Fie, foh, and fum,
I smell the blood of a British man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Child Support: Taxation without representation in child's life.
%%
Chile today. Hot tamale.
%%
Chill out... everything's under control...
%%
Chill penury weighs down the heart, itself; and though it sometimes
be endured with calmness, it is but the calmness of despair.
 -- Mrs. Jameson
%%
Chilo advised, "not to speak evil of the dead."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Chilo, ii
%%
Chimney's clogged.
%%
China under Chairman Deng: How to Survive!

 1. Don't think.
 2. If you think, don't talk.
 3. If you talk, don't write it down.
 4. If you write it down, don't publish it.
 5. If you publish it, don't sign it.
 6. If you sign it, deny it at once.
 7. If you deny it once, deny it again.
 8. Claim your signature was faked!
 9. Blame someone who forced you to publish it.
 10.Say that you wrote it down at gun point, and it is not your thinking.
%%
:chine nual: /sheen'yu-*l/ [MIT] n.,obs. The LISP Machine Manual, so
   called because the title was wrapped around the cover so only those
   letters showed on the front.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Chinese Army technique: n. Syn. {Mongolian Hordes technique}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Chinese!", blared the Captain, "CHINESE!  Can't the flaming idiots recognize
  a flight of UFOs when they see one!"
 -- Intervention (page 567) - Julian May
%%
Chinese chefs do it gingerly...
%%
Chinese food on Indian wood carving - Lo Mein on Totem pole
%%
 "Chinese Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Chinese restaurant called 'Hung Far Lo'.
%%
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
%%
Chinese spy:  A Peking Tom...
%%
 "Chinese Vulgarities" by Phuck Yoo
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
%%
CHIP:  One California hi-way patrolman.
%%
Chipped dishes never break.
 -- Pope's Law
%%
Chips: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users
 eat to avoid having to leave their computers for meals.
%%
CHIROPRACTORS do it, but they X-ray it first
%%
Chiropractors do it by manipulation.
%%
Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment.
%%
Chirpin' and Jumpin': Katie Didd
%%
Chit chat and drivel unwelcome here
%%
Chitlins? That's pig intestines! That includes the lower tract. Ain't no
 food down in that area. Chitlins--I think somebody misspelled that word.
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
Chivalry, Schmivalry!
 Roger the thief has a
 method he uses for
    sneaky attacks:
Folks who are reading are
    Characteristically
    Always Forgetting to
  Guard their own bac ...
%%
Chivilization is a method of living, an attitude of equal respect
for all men.
 -- Jane Addams
%%
Chizboiger, Chizboiger, Pepsi, Pepsi, Chip, Chip!!
%%
Chocoholic, not exactly, but I do go on binges occasionally!
%%
Chocolate-coat those words.  You'll eat them later.
%%
"Chocolate ... double chocolate ... *gasp!*  New flavor!  Triple chocolate!"
 -- Homer in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons
%%
CHOCOLATE:  Fifth essential food group.
%%
Chocolate = Heaven.  Fudge = God.
%%
Chocolate is Serious Business!
%%
Chocolates ... Forrest Fudd: Wife is wike a box of chocowates.
%%
CHOCOLATE
  Truly the most wondrous substance in the whole universe. One day
  they will discover that chocolate can be used to power the world,
  cure the common cold, stop cancer in its tracks, and do really
  nasty things to Nazis. And that day will be one of celebration. As
  Thomas Hardy once said "If the world were a Mars Bar..." I forget
  the rest, actually. [See also: Nutella]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Choconiverous:  Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
%%
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
%%
:choke: v. 1. To reject input, often ungracefully.  "NULs make System
   V's `lpr(1)' choke."  "I tried building an {EMACS} binary to
   use {X}, but `cpp(1)' choked on all those `#define's."
   See {barf}, {gag}, {vi}.   2. [MIT] More generally, to fail at any
   endeavor, but with some flair or bravado; the popular definition is
   "to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:chomper: n. Someone or something that is chomping; a loser.  See
   {loser}, {bagbiter}, {chomp}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:chomp: vi. To {lose}; specifically, to chew on something of
   which more was bitten off than one can.  Probably related to
   gnashing of teeth.  See {bagbiter}.

   A hand gesture commonly accompanies this.  To perform it, hold the
   four fingers together and place the thumb against their tips.  Now
   open and close your hand rapidly to suggest a biting action (much
   like what Pac-Man does in the classic video game, though this
   pantomime seems to predate that).  The gesture alone means `chomp
   chomp' (see "{Verb Doubling}" in the "{Jargon
   Construction}" section of the Prependices).  The hand may be
   pointed at the object of complaint, and for real emphasis you can
   use both hands at once.  Doing this to a person is equivalent to
   saying "You chomper!"  If you point the gesture at yourself, it
   is a humble but humorous admission of some failure.  You might do
   this if someone told you that a program you had written had failed
   in some surprising way and you felt dumb for not having anticipated
   it.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Choose a firm cloud before it fall, and in it
Catch, ere she change, the Cynthia of this minute.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle ii, Line 19
%%
Choose not a woman or linen cloth by the candle.
 -- James Sanford
%%
Choose such pleasures as recreate much, and cost little.
 -- Fuller
%%
Choose the company of your superiors whenever you can have it; that
is the right and true pride.
 -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
Choose variable names that will not be confused.
%%
Choose your drugs wisely.
%%
Choose your friends carefully - Y. Arafat
%%
Choosy cats prefer Logitech mice, 10 to 1...
%%
Choosy cats prefer Microsoft mice 10:1
%%
Choosy hackers choose .GIF!
%%
Choosy modemers choose .GIF!
%%
Choosy perverts choose .GIF!
%%
Choosy users choose .GIF!
%%
Chopped cabbage - it's not just a good idea... it's THE SLAW
%%
Chords that vibrate sweetest pleasure
Thrill the deepest notes of woe.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Sweet Sensibility
%%
Chown up.  Chow down.
%%
CHPAMR: CHase Pointers Around Machine Room
%%
CHR$(32)...the Final Frontier...these are the voyages...
%%
Chris can go skinny dipping in Cool Whip!
%%
Chris: "Have you ever seen a body like that?"
Man: "She's my daughter!"
Chris: "Oh, then I guess you have."
 -- "Real Genius"
%%
Chrissy's Advice: He who buys the hockey tickets, lives!
%%
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%%
Christ-an anarchist who succeeded, that's all
 -- Andre Malraux
%%
Christ believed in hell. I do not myself feel that any person who
is really profoundly humane can believe in everlasting punishment.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
 committing them?
 -- Jules Feiffer
%%
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
%%
   Christendom is that part of the world where, if a man declare himself
   to be a Christian, his hearers laugh at him.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Christ himself was poor.... And as he was himself, so he informed
his apostles and disciples, they were all poor, prophets poor, apostles
poor.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part ii, Sect. 2, Memb. 3
%%
Christian baby shower gift: a tithing ring.
%%
Christian fundamentalism is the doctrine that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is
deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
 -- Andrew Lias
%%
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Christianity:  Please help find the cure.
%%
Christian life consists of faith and charity.
 -- Martin Luther
%%
Christian, n.:
        One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
        book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are
 not inconsistent with a life of sin.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Christian Science Programming: "Let God Debug It!"
%%
Christians do it with grace
%%
Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 83
%%
Christians maintain a higher enjoyment level in the intimacy of their love
 life than the population in general.
 -- Beverly LaHaye, President, Concerned Women of America, in her book, _The
      Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual Love_, 1976, as quoted in The Far
     Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
Christians will tell you that the proof of Jesus Christ's death is
 that someone had pushed his hand into his side . . . yes, but did
anybody bother to take a pulse???
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail]
%%
Christina Applegate Fan Club -- Go Kelly Bundy!
%%
CHRISTMAS:
        A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
        salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
        response time of the entire year.
%%
Christmas Chopin time...make a Liszt.
%%
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough!
%%
Christmas comes once a year but our friendship is forever.
%%
Christmas eve comes one time a year. I'm glad I'm not christmas eve.
%%
Christmas for Baldies: Yule Brynner
%%
Christmas: If you don't give, you don't get it.
%%
Christmas is the day that holds time together.
 -- Alexander Smith
%%
Christmas is when kids tell Santa Claus what they want, and their parents
end up paying for it.

A deficit is when adults tell the government what they want, and their
kids end up paying for it.

 -- Heard on the radio, attributed to former Colorado governor Richard Lamm.
%%
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
%%
:Christmas tree: n. A kind of RS-232 line tester or breakout box
   featuring rows of blinking red and green LEDs suggestive of
   Christmas lights.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Christmas tree packet: n. A packet with every single option set for
   whatever protocol is in use.  See {kamikaze packet}, {Chernobyl
   packet}.  (The term doubtless derives from a fanciful image of each
   little option bit being represented by a different-colored light
   bulb, all turned on.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Christopher Robin Hood: Steals from the rich, give to the Pooh.
%%
Chromatography:  (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing])  The
   practice of submitting manuscripts for publication
   with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing
   blue ink.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
:chrome: [from automotive slang via wargaming] n. Showy features
   added to attract users but contributing little or nothing to
   the power of a system.  "The 3D icons in Motif are just chrome,
   but they certainly are *pretty* chrome!"  Distinguished from
   {bells and whistles} by the fact that the latter are usually
   added to gratify developers' own desires for featurefulness.
   Often used as a term of contempt.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chronometer: Precision instrument which registers sharp impacts by displaying
     a telltale spiderweb pattern on its glass face, by the absence of
     a normal ticking sound when held to the ear, or by the presence
       of small, loose pieces moving around within its case when shaken.
     It also indicates excess humidity by forming tiny droplets on the
     inside of its face, and when stopped, it displays the correct time
            twice each day.
 -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
%%
Chrysler: Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
%%
Chrysler: Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's
%%
CHSE: Compare Half-words and Swap if Equal
%%
Chuang Tzu dreamt he was a butterfly and did not know, when he awoke, if
 he was a man who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly who now
 dreamt he was a man.
%%
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
CHUCK's Roast.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
:chug: vi. To run slowly; to {grind} or {grovel}.  "The disk is
   chugging like crazy."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Chunk of Skunk
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon
killing from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him
to practice his art.
%%
CHURCH
  A church is either (a) a big, generally impressive-looking building
  where people go to indulge in religious activities, or (b) a rash
  commonly found on the upper-thigh. I think it's (b). One well-known
  cure is to dab it with a cream mixed from worm manure, cow snot and
  crushed caterpillars. If unchecked, a church can spread into the
  genital region, and may cause a great deal of pain during
  intercourse. Some churches also grow in anal areas. [See also:
  Bible]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Churchill and Hitler are striving to change the nature of their respective
countrymen by forcing and hammering violent methods on them.  Man
may be suppressed in this manner but he cannot be changed.  Ahimsa
[non-violence in the Hindu tradition], on the other hand, can change
human nature and sooner than men like Churchill and Hitler.
 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi,
 -- speaking at a Sevagram prayer meeting, October 22, 1941
%%
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and,
while staying at the White House, he once became so
engrossed in an account of the Battle of Fonteney that he
forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the
President was wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be
informed that the Prime Minister had not finished bathing.
Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion and
depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode
into the room stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world
leader with a terse, "What are you staring at, homo?"
%%
:Church of the SubGenius: n. A mutant offshoot of
   {Discordianism} launched in 1981 as a spoof of fundamentalist
   Christianity by the `Reverend' Ivan Stang, a brilliant satirist
   with a gift for promotion.  Popular among hackers as a rich source
   of bizarre imagery and references such as "Bob" the divine
   drilling-equipment salesman, the Benevolent Space Xists, and the
   Stark Fist of Removal.  Much SubGenius theory is concerned with the
   acquisition of the mystical substance or quality of {slack}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ciao .. Adieu .. Hasta luego .. Goodbye .. Aloha ..
%%
CIA spokesman : We can say with some certainty that Noriega was a
sadist,a drug-abuser and despot.
 Reporter: How do you know so much about him?
 CIA spokesman : Well he was on our payroll.
 -- Johnny Tingle
%%
CIB: Change Important Byte
%%
CIC: Cash In Chips
%%
Cicero called Aristotle a river of flowing gold, and said of Plato's
Dialogues, that if Jupiter were to speak, it would be in language
like theirs.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Cicero
%%
Cicero said loud-bawling orators were driven by their weakness to
noise, as lame men to take horse.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Cicero
%%
Cicero's style bores me. When I have spent an hour reading him and try to
recollect what I have extracted, I usually find it nothing but wind.
 -- Michel de Montaigne
%%
CID: Compare and Ignore Data
%%
Cigarette, n.:
        A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
between.
%%
CIMM: Create Imaginary Memory Map
%%
C-In-C: "If there is no further business, I wish you and your crew godspeed."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9521.6
%%
Cincinnatus was ploughing his four jugera of land upon the Vaticanian
Hill,--the same that are still known as the Quintian Meadows,--when
the messenger brought him the dictatorship, finding him, the tradition
says, stripped to the work.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book xviii, Sect. 20
%%
C-In-C: "It's a damned show trial!"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
C-In-C: "The Klingon Empire has roughly fifty years of life left to it."
 -- , "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9521.6
%%
C-In-C: "You, Captain Kirk, are to be our first olive branch."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9521.6
%%
Cindarella's Godmother was a fairy.
%%
:Cinderella Book: [CMU] n. "Introduction to Automata Theory,
   Languages, and Computation", by John Hopcroft and Jeffrey Ullman,
   (Addison-Wesley, 1979).  So called because the cover depicts a girl
   (putatively Cinderella) sitting in front of a Rube Goldberg device
   and holding a rope coming out of it.  On the back cover, the device
   is in shambles after she has (inevitably) pulled on the rope.  See
   also {{book titles}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
covers the floors of movie theaters.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
C-ing is believing.
%%
C'ing More and More Each Day!!!
%%
:CI$: // n. Hackerism for `CIS', CompuServe Information Service.
   The dollar sign refers to CompuServe's rather steep line charges.
   Often used in {sig block}s just before a CompuServe address.
   Syn. {Compu$erve}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Circle Perimeter: Sir Cumference.
%%
Circuit designers have a very low rise time.
%%
Circuit designers offer VLSI. (Very Long Sexual Intercourse)
%%
Circular Definition:  See Definition, Circular
%%
"Circular logic will only make you dizzy."
 -- Peri
"I know a computer when I talk to one!"
 -- The Doctor
%%
Circumcisions Cut Back
 -- Headline
%%
Circumstances alter cases.
 -- Thomas C. Haliburton (1796-1865)
 -- The Old Judge, Chap. xv
%%
Circumstances can force a generalised incompetent to become
competent, at least in a specialised field.
 -- Freeman's Rule
%%
Circumstances over which I have no control.
 -- Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington (1769-1852)
%%
Circumstantial evidence is dangerous. Just because you have a truss is no
 indication that you are a purse snatcher.
%%
CIRCUS, n.  A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted
to see men, women and children acting the fool.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
C is a Wirth-less language.
%%
C is for Bangers.
%%
C is the assembly language of Tcl.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer ([e-mail])

Assembly language is also available.
 -- Jordan Henderson      ([e-mail])
%%
Citation for slow BBS'ing: Going 2400 in an HST lane.
%%
Cities, like cats, will reveal themselves at night.
%%
C -- It isn't just for breakfast anymore.
%%
Citroen: Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters
%%
C... it's not just a language, it's also a chord.
%%
City Baby Attacked by Rats.
%%
City girls just seem to find out early ... how to open doors with just
 a smile ... a rich old man, and she won't have to worry ... she'll dress
 up all in lace, and go in style.
 -- Lyin' Eyes, The Eagles
%%
City lights have always inspired me to reflect upon the memories
I never had.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
City Morgue: You stab 'em, we slab 'em.
%%
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
%%
 C  I  T  Y   P  L  A  N  N  ING
 -- Sign seen on door
%%
CITY STREET REPAIRMEN do it with three supervisors watching
%%
Civil Engineers do it by reinforcing it.
%%
Civil engineers do it in the dirt.
%%
Civil engineers do it with an erection.
%%
Civilisation is the art of living in towns of such size that everyone does
 not know everyone else.
 -- Julian Jaynes
%%
Civility costs nothing, and buys everything.
 -- Lady Mary Wortley Montague
%%
Civilization advances by extending the number of important
operations which we can perform without thinking.
 -- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
 -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
Civilization: Biggest syntax error in history!
%%
Civilization degrades the many to exalt the few.
 -- Amos Bronson Alcott
%%
Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.
 -- Will Durant
%%
Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbour.
 -- Toynbee
%%
Civilization is a slow process of adopting the ideas of minorities.
%%
Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Civilization is just a temporary failure of entropy.
 -- Christine Nelson Cray Research, Inc.
%%
Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy.  The savage's
whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe.  Civilization
is the process of setting man free from men.
 -- Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (1943)
%%
"Civilization!  Look for a Burger King."
 -- BADGER in "Nexus"
%%
Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
%%
Civil Libertarian: a Conservative under indictment.
%%
Civil liberties are always safe as long as their exercise doesn't
bother anyone.
 -- New York Times editorial, 1-3-41
%%
Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
%%
Civil War Firearms - By Captain Ball
%%
CIZ: Clear If Zero
%%
C Jack code.  C code run. C Jack debug.
%%
Clairvoyant, n.:
      A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a
 hero must drink brandy.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
CLARIONET, n.  An instrument of torture operated by a person with
cotton in his ears.  There are two instruments that are worse than a
clarionet -- two clarionets.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
%%
 (Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:)  Don't you
 ever wonder what life would be like?  ...
 -- Answering machine madness - brevity
%%
Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will turn into a tune.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
 (Classical music:)  This is our answering machine.  (Switch to
 heavy metal racket:)  This is our answering machine on drugs.
 (Silence...)  Any message?
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over the world.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
:Classic C: /klas'ik C/ [a play on `Coke Classic'] n. The
   C programming language as defined in the first edition of {K&R},
   with some small additions.  It is also known as `K&R C'.  The name
   came into use while C was being standardized by the ANSI X3J11
   committee.  Also `C Classic'.

   An analogous construction is sometimes applied elsewhere: thus,
   `X Classic', where X = Star Trek (referring to the original TV
   series) or X = PC (referring to IBM's ISA-bus machines as opposed
   to the PS/2 series).  This construction is especially used of
   product series in which the newer versions are considered serious
   losers relative to the older ones.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Classified ad:  For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.
%%
Classified material is considered lost when it cannot be found.
%%
Classified material requires proper storage.
%%
Clathy (adj.)
 Nervously indecisive about how safely to dispose of a dud lightbulb.
%%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
contrary.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
Claudius Aelianus, a gossiping bachelor writer, whose 'Variae
Historiae' are filled with anecdotes, relates that Socrates in his
wisdom, in order to check some symptoms of a swelled head in
Alcibiades regarding what he boastfully considered his large estates,
brought him to a place where a map of the world was exhibited and
rather witheringly asked him to point out on it where his estates
where situated.
 -- A.L. Humphreys, 'Antique Maps and Charts'
%%
Clay is moulded to make a vessel, but the utility of the vessel lies in the
space where there is nothing. ... Thus, taking advantage of what is, we
recognize the utility of what is not.
 -- Lao Tze
%%
CLBR: CLoBber Register
%%
CLBRI: CLoBber Register Immediate
%%
:clean: 1. adj. Used of hardware or software designs, implies
   `elegance in the small', that is, a design or implementation that
   may not hold any surprises but does things in a way that is
   reasonably intuitive and relatively easy to comprehend from the
   outside.  The antonym is `grungy' or {crufty}.  2. v. To remove
   unneeded or undesired files in a effort to reduce clutter:  "I'm
   cleaning up my account."  "I cleaned up the garbage and now have
   100 Meg free on that partition."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
clean climber: climber who doesn't smoke or consume hard liquor, and
who changes undergarments daily.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
 -- Phyllis Diller
%%
Cleanliness is next to "clean-limbed," in the dictionary.
%%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
 -- O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen
%%
Cleanness of body was ever deemed to proceed from a due reverence to God.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Advancement of Learning, Book ii
%%
Cleanroom
 a management technique that applies to horizontal interfaces
 what the mushroom technique applies to vertical interfaces
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Clean your finger before you point at my spots.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Clearasol:
Effective sunspot remover.
%%
Clearer than the noonday.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xi, 17
%%
Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt
  to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin...
 -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
 -- Charles P. Boyle
%%
Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
[Clear the throat]
   Oh freddled gruntbuggly
   Thy micturations are to me
   As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee

   Groop I implore thee
   my foonting turlingdromes
   And hooptiously drangle me
   with crinkly thy blindlewurdles,

   Or I will rend thee In the gobberwarts
   With my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!

 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Cleats.
 -- from "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"
%%
Cleon hath a million acres,--ne'er a one have I;
Cleon dwelleth in a palace,--in a cottage I.
 -- Charles Mackay (1814-1889)
 -- Cleon and I
%%
CLERGYMAN, n.  A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual
affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
CLERICS do it with their gods
%%
Cleveland still lives.  God must be dead.
%%
Cleveland?   Yes, I spent a week there one day.
%%
Clever men are good, but they are not the best.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Goethe, Edinburgh Review, 1828
%%
Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh
difficulties.
 -- Emil Nolde
%%
Climate is a theory. Weather is a condition.
 -- Oliver Herford
%%
Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
 -- Long's  notes
%%
CLIMBERS do it on rope
%%
Climb into the Chao with a friend or two
And follow the Way it carries you,
Adrift like a Lunatic Lifeboat Crew
Over the Waves in whatever you do.
 -- HBT; The Book of Advise, 1:3
%%
Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow
into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own
freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off
like autumn leaves.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also
PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Clinton: Al, I need a orange juice substitute and I need it now.
%%
CLINTON: [C]aught  [L]ying  [I]n  [N]ine  [T]imes  [O]uta  [N]ine
%%
CLINTON: Certified Liar In National Top Office Now
%%
CLINTON: Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
%%
Clinton/Clinton/He's our man/If he can't do it/GREAT!!! -
%%
Clinton.Com Found: (A)bort (T)ax (W)affle (B)lame Republicans.
%%
CLINTON: Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
%%
Clinton: From a 60's Flower Child to a Blooming Idiot in the 90's...
%%
Clinton/Gore '92!  ERROR #11:  Attempted division by Zero.
%%
Clinton/Gore '92:  The Decline of Civilization Part III.
%%
Clinton/Gore elected; Beavis and Butt-head appear...coincidence?
%%
Clinton/Gore, for a kinder, gentler Communism.
%%
CLINTON HEALTHPLAN ERROR, (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)o back to tax payers.
%%
Clintonia...A Socialist Society run by a moron...Newsat11
%%
Clinton, "I didn't say that - er, well - yes, but I didn't mean..."
%%
CLINTON LEGACY??...even Pharaoh had only ten plagues...
%%
CLINTON.LIE Virus Detected - Run LIMBAUGH.BAT To Correct.
%%
Clinton: Looks like Carter, quacks like Carter...
%%
Clinton: n: another LBJ in the white house!
%%
CLINTON,(n), see: gay loving, draft dodging, pot smoking, womanizer.
%%
Clintonomics info: 1-800-SUI-CIDE
%%
Clintonomics:  Reaganonomic in reverse.
%%
Clintonomics:  Tax, Borrow and Spend.
%%
CLINTON: ompulsive iar n ation's op ffice ow.
%%
CLINTON: Punish Achievement! Reward Failure!
%%
Clinton's 1040EZ: Just send it all in...
%%
Clinton's America: Defining Deviancy Down!
%%
Clinton's Amerika, Thanks comrades!
%%
Clinton's Army: where Sergeants play with their Privates.
%%
Clinton's Cabinet: Treasury, Charles Keating.
%%
Clinton's Cowardess should not be subsidized w/your vote
%%
Clinton's master health plan disks were found to have a virus.
%%
Clinton's memory is the only part of him subject to Selective Service.
%%
Clinton's Navy: Where Chiefs mess with their seamen.
%%
Clinton's Plan:  Socialism for all.
%%
Clinton's worst nightmare? Rush Limbaugh marries Chelsea.
%%
Clinton's worst nightmare? The truth!!
%%
CLINTON.SYS bad, cannot recover ECONOMY.USA.
%%
CLINTON.SYS Corrupted. Cannot Run DEVICE.USA.
%%
CLINTON.SYS installed. RODHAM.COM assuming control.
%%
Clinton: Ted, will you drive Hillary home?
%%
Clinton: The best thing to happen to the Republican party.
%%
Clinton: The Carter of the 90's.
%%
Clinton: The consequence of voting for Perot.
%%
Clinton: the new JFK...come on down and visit sometime!
 -- Dallas Voters
%%
Clinton: The Pinocchio of Presidents.
%%
"Clinton wants us to sacrifice - We should start with the politicians.
 Which do you recommend - burning at the stake, an altar & knife job, or the
 tried-and-true 'Feed the Volcano' method?"
 -- Don Meyer [e-mail]
%%
Clinton: Well, how're we gonna pull the wool over their eyes today?
%%
Clinton: what happens when minorities rule.
%%
Clinton won and you lost as usual.  Did you expect anything else?
%%
Clintstones, ..meet the Clintstones...
%%
CLIO, n.  One of the nine Muses.  Clio's function was to preside over
history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent
citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being
addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Clipclopclipclopbangclipclop - Amish drive-by shooting
%%
Clique Maintenance:
 The need of one generation to see the generaton following it
as deficient so as to bolster its own collective ego: "Kids today do
nothing. They're so apathetic. We used to go out and protest. All they
do is shop and complain."
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
clique, n. (kleek) A clique is defined as several people whose common basis is
that they all dislike you.
 -- Rich Kabakjian (Lib)
%%
Clive Anderson of Borg: Welcome to 'Whose Assimilation Is This'
%%
:CLM: /C-L-M/ [Sun: `Career Limiting Move'] 1. n. An action
   endangering one's future prospects of getting plum projects and
   raises, and possibly one's job:  "His Halloween costume was a
   parody of his manager.  He won the prize for `best CLM'."
   2. adj.  Denotes extreme severity of a bug, discovered by a
   customer and obviously missed earlier because of poor testing:
   "That's a CLM bug!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:clobber: vt. To overwrite, usually unintentionally: "I walked off
   the end of the array and clobbered the stack."  Compare {mung},
   {scribble}, {trash}, and {smash the stack}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CLOCK: A small mechanical device used to wake people up with no kids.
%%
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
%%
Clock makers do it mechanically.
%%
CLOCK, n.  A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern
for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

    A busy man complained one day:
    "I get no time!"  "What's that you say?"
    Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;
    "You have, sir, all the time there is.
    There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it --
    We're never for an hour without it."
                                                          Purzil Crofe
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Clocks go entirely too slow at work.
%%
:clocks: n. Processor logic cycles, so called because each
   generally corresponds to one clock pulse in the processor's timing.
   The relative execution times of instructions on a machine are
   usually discussed in clocks rather than absolute fractions of a
   second; one good reason for this is that clock speeds for various
   models of the machine may increase as technology improves, and it
   is usually the relative times one is interested in when discussing
   the instruction set.  Compare {cycle}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Clone:
 An acronym standing for "Copied Low-cost Optimal Non-IBM Equipment".
 Often used as a cure for the dreaded Big Blue. Texas, land of
 independent self-styled individualists, is current "Siliclone Valley"
 where imagination is limited only by IBM.
%%
:clone: n. 1. An exact duplicate: "Our product is a clone of
   their product."  Implies a legal reimplementation from
   documentation or by reverse-engineering.  Also connotes lower
   price.  2. A shoddy, spurious copy: "Their product is a
   clone of our product."  3. A blatant ripoff, most likely violating
   copyright, patent, or trade secret protections: "Your
   product is a clone of my product."  This use implies legal
   action is pending.  4. `PC clone:' a PC-BUS/ISA or
   EISA-compatible 80x86-based microcomputer (this use is sometimes
   spelled `klone' or `PClone').  These invariably have much
   more bang for the buck than the IBM archetypes they resemble.
   5. In the construction `UNIX clone': An OS designed to deliver
   a UNIX-lookalike environment without UNIX license fees, or with
   additional `mission-critical' features such as support for
   real-time programming.  6. v. To make an exact copy of something.
   "Let me clone that" might mean "I want to borrow that paper so I
   can make a photocopy" or "Let me get a copy of that file before
   you {mung} it".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Clones are people two.
%%
Cloning: Irma Dubble II
%%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
    [clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Old woman!
DENNIS:  Man!
ARTHUR:  Man, sorry.  What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR:  What?
DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
    [clop clop]
GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?
ARTHUR:    It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of
           Camelot.  King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of
           all England!
GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
    [clop clop]
MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
CUSTOMER:   I don't know.
MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:   Why?
MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got shit all over him.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
Close call.
Too close, Number One. Brinksmanship is a dangerous game.
 -- Riker and Picard, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
Close Caption Funding for this echo provided by DeltaComm Dev.
%%
Close cover before striking.
%%
Closed captioned in hex for programmers where available.
%%
Closed eyes are not always sleeping.
%%
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
%%
"Close Encounters of the Third Grade."
 -- Woody Allen's new movie
%%
CLOSE-FISTED, adj.  Unduly desirous of keeping that which many
meritorious persons wish to obtain.

    "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried
        To thrifty J. Macpherson;
    "See me -- I'm ready to divide
        With any worthy person."
    Sad Jamie:  "That is very true --
        The boast requires no backing;
    And all are worthy, sir, to you,
        Who have what you are lacking."
                                                         Anita M. Bobe
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Close friends will surprise you tonight with the absence of a party.
%%
Closeted gays sometimes oppose gay civil rights as part of their cover.
%%
Closets are for clothing.....Not People
%%
Close up his eyes and draw the curtain close;
And let us all to meditation.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
%%
Closing lines:
       I'm going to make like a tree and leave.
       I'm going to put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
       I'm going to make like the shepherds and get the flock out of here.
%%
Closing on ship target. Music on  Fire away.
%%
Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of
movement.
 -- Egon Friedell
%%
Clothed, and in his right mind.
 -- New Testament
 -- Mark v, 15; Luke viii, 35
%%
Clothes for Germ Kings: Mike Robes
%%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Clothes not busy being worn are busy drying.
 -- Dylan, on laundry day
 -- [ singing "It's all right, ma (I'm only bleaching)" ]
%%
Clothing so ugly it changes every 6 mo.
%%
Clove captioned for the ham impaired.
%%
Clo. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
Mal. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Clown:n: A man who acts too natural.
%%
Clowns do it for laughs.
%%
CLT Point (Fidonet 2:320/213.9)
%%
Cluelessness... try it!
%%
Cluster analysts do it in groups.
%%
:clustergeeking: /kluh'st*r-gee`king/ [CMU] n. Spending more time
   at a computer cluster doing CS homework than most people spend
   breathing.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot, C++ makes it harder,
but when you do, it blows away your whole leg"
 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
%%
CM: Circulate Memory
%%
CM      Confuse Memory
%%
CMD: Compare Meaningless Data
%%
CMD: CPU Melt Down
%%
C'mere Baby, I'll Show You The Meaning Of Love!
 -- Servo.
%%
CMI: Clobber Monitor Immediate
%%
CML: Compute Meaning of Life
%%
C'mon boys, don't bother me.  I'm debating Dan Quayle. The boy's
retarded.
 -- Senator Birch Bayh
%%
"C'mon DM, let's see some REAL monsters!"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
C'mon everybody, let's have a hoedown!
 -- Stimpy
%%
C'mon, George, tell me about the contras again, George, huh? Huh?
%%
"C'MON GUYS, LET'S SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
"C'mon, Hobbes, if you lend me a buck I'll buy you a comic book."
 -- Calvin & Hobbes
%%
"C'mon Marshall - hurry up...  I'm hungry.  (To wolf)  Stay here."
 [Simon goes over to counter, dives into apple pie.  Werewolf awakens
 but Simon is oblivious.  Werewolf creeps up, and Simon gradually
 becomes aware something is wrong.]  "Uh oh."  (Turns to see werewolf.)
"Arghhh.  Arghhh.  Help!  Help!  omanoManOManOManOMANOMANOMAN!
 Down boy!  Down boy!"
 -- Simon, "Mr. Chaney", Eerie Indiana
%%
C'mon Mike. Would the dolphins give up their favorite
sandwiches to save our butts?
 -- John Grimes
%%
C'mon over, baby, whole lotta bakin' goin' on ..
%%
C'mon over, baby, whole lotta shakin' going on!
%%
C'mon, Punk...Reductio my Absurdum
%%
C'mon then. My log does not judge.
 -- Margaret, the Log Lady, from Twin Peaks
%%
C'mon, where's your sense of adventure?
%%
C'mon, whine some more.
%%
 C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
 way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
 boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
 beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
CMOS... CMOS run... CMOS Jump... Jump MOS Jump!
%%
CMP: Create Memory Prosthesis
%%
CMS: Click MicroSwitch
%%
:C: n. 1. The third letter of the English alphabet.  2. ASCII
   1000011.  3. The name of a programming language designed by
   Dennis Ritchie during the early 1970s and immediately used to
   reimplement {{UNIX}}; so called because many features derived
   from an earlier compiler named `B' in commemoration of
   *its* parent, BCPL.  Before Bjarne Stroustrup settled the
   question by designing C++, there was a humorous debate over whether
   C's successor should be named `D' or `P'.  C became immensely
   popular outside Bell Labs after about 1980 and is now the dominant
   language in systems and microcomputer applications programming.
   See also {languages of choice}, {indent style}.

   C is often described, with a mixture of fondness and disdain
   varying according to the speaker, as "a language that combines
   all the elegance and power of assembly language with all the
   readability and maintainability of assembly language".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else.  It
is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.
 -- Ray Simard
%%
CNB: Cause Nervous Breakdown
%%
CN: Compare Nonsensically
%%
CNE's are a dime a dozen.
%%
CNS: Call Nonexistent Subroutine
%%
COACHES whistle while they work
%%
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
%%
Coal is a portable climate.
 -- Emerson
%%
Coalition Forces: fighting for YOUR right to dissent!
%%
Coarse and violent nudity.  Occasional language.
%%
Coarse Horse
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Coastal access, next left.
%%
coax cable -- to work with a partner as you chop down a power line.
%%
%COB-I-COMEFROM, all go to's changed to come froms's
%%
COBOL - A plump secretary.  She talks far too much, and most of what she says
can be ignored.  She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really
complicated jobs.  She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really
likes working with her.  She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
COBOL.....(C)ompiles (O)nly (B)ecause (O)f (L)uck
%%
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Boring Old Language
%%
:COBOL fingers: /koh'bol fing'grz/ n. Reported from Sweden, a
   (hypothetical) disease one might get from coding in COBOL.  The
   language requires code verbose beyond all reason (see
   {candygrammar}); thus it is alleged that programming too much in
   COBOL causes one's fingers to wear down to stubs by the endless
   typing.  "I refuse to type in all that source code again; it would
   give me COBOL fingers!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
COBOL hackers do it by committee.
%%
COBOL is just a bug with syntax
%%
COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way.
%%
COBOL is the next best thing to coding it in binary.
%%
:COBOL: /koh'bol/ [COmmon Business-Oriented Language] n.
   (Synonymous with {evil}.)  A weak, verbose, and flabby language
   used by {card walloper}s to do boring mindless things on
   {dinosaur} mainframes.  Hackers believe that all COBOL
   programmers are {suit}s or {code grinder}s, and no
   self-respecting hacker will ever admit to having learned the
   language.  Its very name is seldom uttered without ritual
   expressions of disgust or horror.  See also {fear and loathing},
   {software rot}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"COBOL programmers are destined to code COBOL for the rest of their lives,
and thereafter."
 -- Remark made by Bertrand Meyer (inventer of the Eiffel language)
 -- at a panel discussion at OOPSLA '89
%%
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
%%
COBOL programmers are self-documenting.
%%
COBOL programmers do it very slow.
%%
COBOL programmers do it with bugs.
%%
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
%%
COBOL programmers wanted. (quick lighting pref.)
%%
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
%%
COBOL sucks, Pascal bytes, and assembly is a bits!
%%
COBOL: the only programming language in which you can write a letter home to
 your folks and reasonably expect it to compile and run without errors.
%%
Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have too much money to spend.
 You are not using it for the benefit of others, so you will pay for your
 selfishness.
%%
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
%%
Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been
%%
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
%%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Aspirin.
%%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%%
Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and
eat anything.
 -- Herb Caen
%%
Cockroaches have done it for millions of years, without apparent ill-effects.
%%
Cockroaches rule the Earth. Pass it on.
%%
"Cocktail lounge" is a fancy name for it, but it's still just a
bare-curtain saloon.
%%
Cocktail waitresses serve highballs.
%%
COCS: Copy Object Code to Source
%%
COD: Crash On Demand
%%
Coddle criminals, who cares about the victims!
 -- Liberal Rule #16
%%
Code as if whoever maintains your code is a violent
psychopath who knows where you live.
%%
Code code code code eat code code code sleep code code...
%%
:code grinder: n. 1. A {suit}-wearing minion of the sort hired in
   legion strength by banks and insurance companies to implement
   payroll packages in RPG and other such unspeakable horrors.  In its
   native habitat, the code grinder often removes the suit jacket to
   reveal an underplumage consisting of button-down shirt (starch
   optional) and a tie.  In times of dire stress, the sleeves (if
   long) may be rolled up and the tie loosened about half an inch.  It
   seldom helps.  The {code grinder}'s milieu is about as far from
   hackerdom as one can get and still touch a computer; the term
   connotes pity.  See {Real World}, {suit}.  2. Used of or to a
   hacker, a really serious slur on the person's creative ability;
   connotes a design style characterized by primitive technique,
   rule-boundedness, {brute force}, and utter lack of imagination.
   Compare {card walloper}; contrast {hacker}, {real
   programmer}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Code: (n.) a means of concealing bugs favored by programmers.
%%
Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
 as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that
 sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.
 -- Bruce Jay Friedman
%%
:code police: [by analogy with George Orwell's `thought police'] n.
   A mythical team of Gestapo-like storm troopers that might burst
   into one's office and arrest one for violating programming style
   rules.  May be used either seriously, to underline a claim that a
   particular style violation is dangerous, or ironically, to suggest
   that the practice under discussion is condemned mainly by
   anal-retentive {weenie}s.  "Dike out that goto or the code
   police will get you!"  The ironic usage is perhaps more common.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Code so clean you can eat off it.
%%
:codes: [scientific computing] n. Programs.  This usage is common
   in people who hack supercumputers and heavy-duty
   {number-crunching}, rare to unknown elsewhere (if you say
   "codes" to hackers outside scientific computing, their
   first association is likely to be "and cyphers").
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:codewalker: n. A program component that traverses other programs for
   a living.  Compilers have codewalkers in their front ends; so do
   cross-reference generators and some database front ends.  Other
   utility programs that try to do too much with source code may turn
   into codewalkers.  As in "This new `vgrind' feature would require a
   codewalker to implement."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CODING:  AN addictive Drug.
%%
COENOBITE, n.  A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the
sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a
brotherhood of awful examples.

    O Coenobite, O coenobite,
        Monastical gregarian,
    You differ from the anchorite,
        That solitudinarian:
    With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
    With dropping shots he makes him sick.
                                                          Quincy Giles
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Co-existence - what the farmer does with the turkey
until Thanksgiving.
 -- Mike Connolly
%%
Coffee - 2 sugars - cream - and aspirin.
%%
COFFEE.COM not found: (A)bort, (R)eheat, (S)nooze.
%%
COFFEE.COM not found: (A)dd more, (R)eheat, (F)reak out.
%%
COFFEE.COM not found: Sysop asleep.
%%
Coffee doesnt cause cancer -- Water does!!!
%%
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
%%
Coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza.
 -- The four food groups
%%
Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
%%
Coffee is my only REAL friend.
%%
Coffee Jamaican blend double strong double sweet.
 -- O'Brien
%%
Coffee line forms here.  Take a number.
%%
Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, chocolate
makes it worthwhile
%%
Coffee not found: (a)bort, (r)etry, (f)all asleep
%%
Coffee not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)nooze?
%%
Coffee not found -- Programmer Halted!
%%
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love.
 -- Turkish Proverb
%%
COFFEE: Sneezy's younger brother.
%%
COFFEE.SYS: NMI ACTIVATED ... coffee pot empty ... Operator asleep
%%
Coffee--the beans from Hell!!
%%
Coffee, though a useful medicine, if drunk constantly will at length induce
 a decay of health, and hectic fever.
 -- Jesse Torrey
%%
Coffee, which makes the politician wise,
And see through all things with his half-shut eyes.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto iii, Line 117
%%
Coffeine, Chocolate, Sugar and Sex.
 -- The Four Food Groups
%%
Coffin for sale.  Lifetime guarantee.
%%
Coffin not available. Press F10 to cremate.
%%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore
I think that I
am."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
COGITO, EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
%%
Cogito, ergo am, I think therefore I sum.
%%
Cogito, ergo Batman. I think, therefore I *BLAM*!
%%
Cogito, ergo cogito!
%%
Cogito, ergo confusum.
%%
Cogito, ergo . . . get into a lot of arguments.
%%
Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.
%%
Cogito, ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
 -- Blair Houghton
%%
Cogito, Ergo Spud. (I think, therefore I yam.)
%%
Cogito, ergo sum conservative.
%%
Cogito, ergo sum. (I think, therefore I am)
 -- Rene Descartes
%%
Cogito, ergo sum liberal.
%%
Cogito, ergo sum presupposes "I"-ness.
%%
Cogito, Ergo Zoom (I Think, Therefore I Go FAST)
%%
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
%%
"Coincidence is one thing, but this thing with the bike was bordering
 on mega strange."
 -- Marshall, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana
%%
Coincidence?  No.  Cthulhu.
%%
Coincidence, n.:
     You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.
%%
Coincidence Often Isn'T.
%%
Coincidences always happen for a reason.
%%
Coincidences are spiritual puns.
 -- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Coincide:  What you do when it starts to rain...
%%
Cointreauception - dip it in liqueur - it's all the rage.
%%
Coito ergo sum
 -- A. Taylor
%%
Coitus: a musical instrument.
%%
Coitus Interruptus. Emission Impossible.
%%
:cokebottle: /kohk'bot-l/ n. Any very unusual character,
   particularly one you can't type because it it isn't on your
   keyboard.  MIT people used to complain about the
   `control-meta-cokebottle' commands at SAIL, and SAIL people
   complained right back about the `{altmode}-altmode-cokebottle'
   commands at MIT.  After the demise of the {space-cadet
   keyboard}, `cokebottle' faded away as serious usage, but was
   often invoked humorously to describe an (unspecified) weird or
   non-intuitive keystroke command.  It may be due for a second
   inning, however.  The OSF/Motif window manager, `mwm(1)', has
   a reserved keystroke for switching to the default set of
   keybindings and behavior.  This keystroke is (believe it or not)
   `control-meta-bang' (see {bang}).  Since the exclamation point
   looks a lot like an upside down Coke bottle, Motif hackers have
   begun referring to this keystroke as `cokebottle'.  See also
   {quadruple bucky}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Coke Classic.  Shaken, not stirred.  Stand back!
%%
COKE IS IT!
%%
Coke is much more socially acceptable than self-mutilation.
%%
Coke or Pepsi....you decide !!
%%
Coke. The tastiest way to get caffeine.
%%
COLB: Crash for Operator's Lunch Break
%%
Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%%
Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
pockets.
%%
Cold Capture, Warm Boot
%%
Colder than a baby in a brass diaper.
%%
cold front: acute discomfort caused by an unzipped trouser fly.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Cold hands, warm feet.
%%
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is gray, and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is a quantization error.
 -- Jef Poskanzer, from the doc to his oh-so-cool program
 -- that converts color bitmaps to greyscale ones.
%%
cold matsushita
their technology stronger
enslaves our people
 -- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
Cold milk, warm backrubs, hot baths...all temperature cheer.
%%
Cold on Canadian hills or Minden's plain,
Perhaps that parent mourned her soldier slain;
Bent o'er her babe, her eye dissolved in dew,
The big drops mingling with the milk he drew
Gave the sad presage of his future years,--
The child of misery, baptized in tears.
 -- John Langhorne (1735-1779)
 -- The Country Justice. Part i
%%
Cold pizza:  the generic breakfast
%%
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 -- Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77
%%
ColinDOS 6.0- (A)dmire self, (R)epeat word 3 times, getting louder.
%%
Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the
other fellow can spell.
%%
Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.
%%
Collector: Person few care to see but ask to call again.
%%
Collectors do it in sets.
%%
Collects cards for Craig.
%%
College Athletics: Nancy Dubblelay
%%
College don't make fools; they only develop them.
%%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
College: Guarantee the quality of the product or return.
%%
College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
%%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
 and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
%%
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
 -- Hellen Keller
%%
College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to
 spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town
 and get drunk every night?
 -- David Wood
%%
College marriages are OK, if the colleges really love each other.
%%
College or post-high school training desirable.
%%
Colleges need federal aid -- SEND TROOPS!
%%
College student.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
College Students Do It With Class.
%%
College:  The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
%%
"College... what a *disgusting* place."
 -- An observant quote from BEANS BAXTER
%%
Col Mustard: "How many husbands have you had?"
Mrs White: "Mine, or others?"
 -- Clue
%%
Colonel, never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine
 cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.
 -- Calvin Coolidge (to Theodore Roosevelt)
%%
Colonel North, do you understand what we mean by the U.S.S.R.?
Yes sir, it is a code name for Russia.
%%
Colonel Sanders does it, then licks his fingers.
%%
"Colonies do not cease to be colonies because they are independent."
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
Colorado Springs: City of wide streets and narrow minds.
 -- Spaulding
%%
Colorado:  Where slower traffic keeps left.
%%
Colored invisible ink.
 -- Polish invention
%%
"Color is like an orchestra playing behind a singer
 too loud."
 -- Will Eisner
%%
Colors fade, temples crumble, empires fall, but wise words endure.
 -- Edward Thorndike
%%
Color slide viewing cures insomnia
%%
"Colourless green ideas sleep furiously."
 -- Prof. Noam Chomsky, "Syntactic Structures"
 -- An example of a sentence which, though
 -- grammatically acceptable, is without meaning
%%
Col Potter: Git along, little dogie
Hawkeye: I used to have a long little doggie.  He was a dachsund.
BJ: Oh, a little hot dog.  What happened to him?
H: He got mustered out.
BJ: I relish these conversations.
 -- MASH
%%
Columbus had a fourth ship - it sailed over the edge.
%%
Columbus, Vespucci, And Me: Enzo DiUrth.
%%
Coma:  A punctuation mark...
%%
Combat
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 09
%%
"Combat Tupperware keeps my shooting skills fresher; longer"
 -- "BURP"
%%
Combiloops:  The 2-3 unsuccessful attempts at opening a combination lock
%%
Comb your hair...you look dreadful!
%%
COM: Clear Operator's Mind
%%
"Come and get me?  You big bag of wind??  I'm no expert, but I'm pretty
 sure it's not smart to tease a tornado."
 -- Marshall, "Tornado Days", Eerie Indiana
%%
Come and receive baptism and absolution from civilized sins.  You were but
sprinkled last year.  Come and be immersed!
 -- John Muir
%%
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
 -- William Butler Yeats, "The Stolen Child"
%%
Come back here! I'll bite your bloody knees off!
%%
Come back kitty!  We've got skindiving lessons at 4!
%%
Come back when you get some pubes.
%%
Come back when you get some skates, boys. huh huh huh.
%%
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
%%
Come closer... a little closer... ulp! Go away!
%%
Come close to me Klingon, let me die with my hands at your throat.
There is a substance within my cells which you need to survive.
Then you've come to make me beg for my life?
No.
I would rather die than pollute my body with Klingon filth.
 -- Patahk and Worf, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
Come, come!  Be more sensuous, less cerebral!  Dance with the novel!
Why be so interested in the skeleton if it's got a body?
 -- Witold Gombrowicz,
 -- when asked to explain the meaning of his novel 'Ferdydurke'
%%
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake--
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife"--
"Why, so it is, father--whose wife shall I take?"
 -- "A Joke Versified"
 -- from "Miscellaneous Poems" by Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
%%
Comedians do it for laughs.
%%
Come, Doctor! It's as easy as pie!
 -- The Master, 5 Doctors.
%%
   Come... Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and
unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the
forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly.
   Dry your eyes...And let's go home.
 -- Watchmen
%%
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
 -- Carol Burnett
%%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%%
"Comedy.  Sudden, violent, comedy!"
 -- Monty Python
%%
Comedy = Tragedy + Distance
 -- Lenny Bruce
%%
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
Come, gentle Spring! ethereal Mildness! come.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Spring, Line 1
%%
Come, give us a taste of your quality.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Come home, Oedipus, all is forgiven. Mum.
Over my dead body. Dad.
%%
Come home to men's business and bosoms.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Dedication to the Essays, Edition 1625
%%
Come if you can't, but if you can, please stay home.
%%
Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away.
 -- Sign on Antique Shop
%%
"Come in and Stay a While" by Doris Openn
%%
Come in, Beverly, and I'll show you a real Picard maneuver.
%%
Come in for a faith lift.
%%
Come in, my fancy-pansy nancy boy!
%%
Come inside and have a fit.
 -- Sign on a clothing store
%%
Come into the garden, Maud,
  For the black bat, night, has flown;
Come into the garden, Maud,
  I am here at the gate alone.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Maud, Part i, Sect. xxii, Stanza 1
%%
Come in, Warren.  We've been expecting you.
%%
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
%%
Come live with me, and be my love;
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dales and fields,
Woods or steepy mountain yields.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- The Passionate Shepherd to his Love
%%
Come, my coach! Good night, sweet ladies; good night.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iv, Sc. 5
%%
Come next year, all of you.  Come to these purest of terrestrial fountains.
%%
Come not within the measure of my wrath.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
Come o'er the moonlit sea,
The waves are brightly glowing.
 -- Charles Jefferys (1807-1865)
 -- The Moonlit Sea
%%
Come of it what may, as Sinon said.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book iii, The Prologue, 27
%%
Come on, baby, light my fire.
 -- Jim Morrison
%%
Come on baby light my fire....
 -- The Doors.
%%
Come on, baby needs a new pair of taglines!
%%
Come on Bob, don't be afraid to party!
%%
Come on down to 292 Chesterville Rd, Moorabbin, and let me, do it right for YOU
%%
Come on Honey..it doesn't hurt I promise !!!
%%
Come on in!: Doris Open
%%
Come on, I wasn't born yesterday.
More's the pity. We could have started your personality from scratch.
 -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Come on, now. There is only so much room in a cage.
%%
Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you.
 -- A cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater
%%
"Come on," the robot droned, "I've been ordered to take you down to the bridge.
Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the
bridge.  Call that JOB SATISFACTION?  'Cos I don't."
 -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Come On Up To The Lab... And See What's On The Slab...
%%
Come on, we're not out of this yet!
%%
"Come on, you'll be late for school."
"Shan't," came the reply from the bathroom.
"Why, what's wrong?"
"The teachers hate me and the kids despise me."
"I'll give you two good reasons why you should go."
"What are they?"
"One - you're forty-one, and two - you're the headmaster."
%%
Comes at the last, and with a little pin
Bores through his castle wall--and farewell king!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Comes with all you see here. Batteries not included.
%%
Comet ASCII: - -- ---===>>>>>>>>>>>>*
%%
Come then, expressive silence, muse His praise.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- Hymn, Line 118
%%
Come, then.   Look me in the eye.  End my life.
 -- Mordred, BATTLEFIELD
%%
Come the three corners of the world in arms,
And we shall shock them. Nought shall make us rue,
If England to itself do rest but true.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act v, Sc. 7
%%
Come, thou monarch of the vine,
Plumpy Bacchus with pink eyne!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
Come to Ch*ch.  What is missing?
%%
Come to terms with the fact that mermen seem to be few and far
between.  (Well, how many have *you* seen?)
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Come to the bridal chamber, Death!
  Come to the mother's, when she feels
For the first time her first-born's breath!
  Come when the blessed seals
That close the pestilence are broke,
And crowded cities wail its stroke!
Come in consumption's ghastly form,
The earthquake shock, the ocean storm!
Come when the heart beats high and warm,
  With banquet song, and dance, and wine!
And thou art terrible!--the tear,
The groan, the knell, the pall, the bier,
And all we know or dream or fear
  Of agony are thine.
 -- Fitz-Greene Halleck (1790-1867)
 -- Marco Bozzaris
%%
Come to the sunset tree!
  The day is past and gone;
The woodman's axe lies free,
  And the reaper's work is done.
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- Tyrolese Evening Song
%%
Come to the woods, for here is rest. There is no repose like that of the
green deep woods. Here grow the wallflower and the violet. The squirrel
will come and sit upon your knee, the logcock will wake you in the morning.
Sleep in forgetfulness of all ill. Of all the upness accessible to mortals,
there is no upness comparable to the mountains.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Come unto these yellow sands,
  And then take hands:
Courtsied when you have, and kiss'd
  The wild waves whist.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Come, wander with me, for the moonbeams are bright
On river and forest, o'er mountain and lea.
 -- Charles Jefferys (1807-1865)
 -- Come, Meander with me
%%
Come what come may,
Time and the hour runs through the roughest day.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
COMF: COMe From
%%
COMFORT, n.  A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's
uneasiness.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Comics: Not just for kids anymore because they can't afford 'em!
%%
Comin' at ya from Down Under in Melbourne, Australia ....
%%
Coming events do cast shadows. Writers know that their books are often
prophetic. One gratuitously imagines what is really going to happen.
Though since the fates are as teasing as oracles, the happening may be
curiously different from its prefigurement.
 -- Iris Murdoch
%%
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't
 have.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
Coming Out should be a voluntary act of affirmation.
%%
Coming soon - "Black Men Can't Play Hockey"
%%
Coming soon for Mortal Kombat -- The Barney Extension!
%%
Coming soon from Dr. Soong:  Mouse support for Data!
%%
Coming soon from LLewellyn Publications Tarot of the Ferret People.
%%
Coming soon from Microsoft Foods: Animal Hackers.
%%
Coming Soon: "Indiana Jones and the Tagline of Doom!"
%%
Coming Soon: Mouse Support for Rush Limbaugh!
%%
Coming soon: Mouse support for Turbo-EDLIN under Windows!
%%
Coming soon: Netware for Nintendo!
%%
Coming soon: New Taglines!
%%
Coming Soon ... Star Trek: The Geritol Generation.
%%
Coming soon to a computer near you ...
%%
Coming soon to a Robocomm near you!
%%
Coming Soon To A TV Near You: The 1994-95 National Hockey League Season!
%%
Coming soon to a universe near you!
%%
Coming soon to BBC1:  Doctor Who:  The Next Regeneration.
%%
Coming soon - VAPORWARE III - It's a real gas!!
%%
Coming to a TV soon, "Days of Our Modems"
%%
Coming to this tagline soon, a NEW HAM call sign
%%
Coming up, Beavis seeks out his biological mother, but she changes her DNA
in order to avoid him.
 -- Commercial break from "Beavis and Butthead"
%%
"Coming up: our definitive answer to the JFK assassination, the Iran
 contra coverup, the cure for the common cold, and our hidden videotape
 of Madonna's torrid affair..."
 -- Anchorman, "Zombies in PJs", Eerie Indiana
%%
Commandant: "No witnesses."
Kirk: "Killed while trying to escape."
McCoy: "Damn clever, if you ask me."
Kirk: "It's a classic."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Commandant: "That's what he wanted."
Kirk: "Who?  Who wanted us killed?"
Commandant: "Since you're all going to die anyway, why not tell you.  His name
  is--"
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Commandant: "This is the gulag Rura Penthe!  There is no stockade, no guard
  tower, no electronic frontier!  Only a magnetic shield prevents beaming!
  Punishment means exile from the prison to the surface!  On the surface,
  nothing can survive!  Work *well*, and you will be treated *well*.  Work
  *badly*, and you will die."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
COMMAND:  A suggestion made to a computer.
%%
COMMAND.COM not found.  Activating random interrupts.
%%
Command.com not found, Promote LtCmdr.com?
%%
Commander, both our ships are ready to fight. We have two extremely
  powerful and destructive arsenals at our command. Our next actions
  will have serious repercussions.
 -- Picard to Tomalak, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
Commander Data has a way with computers.
 -- Dr. Pulaski, "Unnatural Selection", stardate 42494.8
%%
Commander Kirk, arm all phasers and photon torpedos!
%%
Commander Kirk, you have the bridge.
%%
Commander, signal on all languages and frequencies, we surrender.
 -- Picard, "Encounter at Farpoint", stardate 41153.7
%%
Commander, we should be going like a bat out a hell.
 -- Geordi, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
Commander, what are your intentions towards my daughter?
Your DAUGHTER? Nice to meet you.
 -- Data and Riker, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
Command Interpreter Bad or Missing...
%%
Commandment Number One of any truly civilized society is this:
Let people be different.
 -- David Grayson
%%
Command Not Understood. . . Now erasing Hard Drive.
%%
Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer
in such a manner as to make the huma feel
as if he is in control.
%%
Command - used to instruct computers.
Usually elicits the response "Syntax error".
%%
Commend a fool for his wit, or a knave for his honesty, and they
will receive you into their bosom.
 -- Fielding
%%
COMMENDATION, n.  The tribute that we pay to achievements that
resembles, but do not equal, our own.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Commentator:  An average potato...
%%
:comment out: vt. To surround a section of code with comment
   delimiters or to prefix every line in the section with a comment
   marker; this prevents it from being compiled or interpreted.  Often
   done when the code is redundant or obsolete, but is being left in
   the source to make the intent of the active code clearer; also when
   the code in that section is broken and you want to bypass it in
   order to debug some other part of the code.  Compare
   {condition out}, usually the preferred technique in languages
   (such as {C}) that make it possible.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Comment your variables.
%%
COMMERCE, n.  A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the
goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money
belonging to E.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
commercially developed
  software, which displays the quality far more often than it ought
  to.  Oppose {robust}.
%%
Commercial radio, commercial radio, commercial r
%%
Commie and Bore are or president & vice president
%%
Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass.
There is no such thing as concealment.
 -- R.W. Emerson
%%
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%%
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
%%
Committee: a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
 -- Milton Berle
%%
Committee, n.:
   A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
decide that nothing can be done.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits,
facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks,
secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases.
 -- Thomas L. Martin
%%
Committees do harm merely by existing.
 -- Freeman Dyson
%%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%%
`Committee' was the spelling decided upon by the first komiti.
%%
Committee work is like a soft chair - easy to get into but
hard to get out of.
%%
Commit
The oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 5
%%
Committing suicide in Newark is redundant.
%%
:comm mode: /kom mohd/ [ITS: from the feature supporting on-line
   chat; the term may spelled with one or two m's] Syn. for {talk
   mode}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Commodities traders do it in the pits.
%%
Commodore: text toaster.  Amiga: Video Toaster.
%%
Common and vulgar people ascribe all ill that they feel to others; people
of little wisdom ascribe to themselves; people of much wisdom, to no one.
 -- Epictetus
%%
Common BBS talk: FREQ; File Request - available to sysops
%%
"common human laws and interests and emotions have no validity
 or significance in the vast cosmos-at-large..."
 -- H. P. Lovecraft
%%
Commonly, physicians, like beer, are best when they are old, and
lawyers, like bread, when they are young and new.
 -- Fuller
%%
Commonly we say a judgment falls upon a man for something in him we
cannot abide.
 -- John Selden (1584-1654)
 -- Judgments
%%
Common_malady = Diarrhea_of_mouth + constipation_of_brain.
%%
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
 -- Clive James
%%
Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.
 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
Common sense is not so common.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Common sense isn't.
%%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Common things occur commonly, uncommon things do not.
When you hear hoofbeats, don't think of zebras.
%%
Common to all battered women: Don't know when to shut up!
%%
COMMUNICATION:
 Excellent:      Talks with God
 Good:           Talks with angels
 Average:        Talks to self
 Fair:           Argues with self
 Poor:           Looses arguements with self
%%
Communication is equal to the square root of the mistakes times
confusion times contradictions.
 -- Borklund's Law
%%
Communication is for wimps.  Real men beat sense into each other.
%%
Communications Engineers do it 'til it Hertz.
%%
:Communication Style:

See the discussions of speech and writing styles near the beginning of
this File.  Though hackers often have poor person-to-person
communication skills, they are as a rule quite sensitive to nuances of
language and very precise in their use of it.  They are often better at
writing than at speaking.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Communication: The Universal Solvent.
%%
Communication.. without it, everyone's a mushroom.
%%
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop.
%%
Communism is like one big phone company.
%%
Communism: What's not illegal, is compulsory.
%%
Communism will work when love, not greed, inspires it.
%%
Communist -> A Socialist in a hurry..
%%
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
 and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
 -- Omni
%%
Communist (n.):  A person winning an argument with a Conservative.
%%
Communist party (fun time!)
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Communists are now more legal in NYC than Kiev!
%%
Communists do it without class.
%%
Community property is equal rights without equal responsibilities.
%%
Com'on folks, get a life! It's all just 1s & 0s!
%%
:compact: adj. Of a design, describes the valuable property that it
   can all be apprehended at once in one's head.  This generally means
   the thing created from the design can be used with greater facility
   and fewer errors than an equivalent tool that is not compact.
   Compactness does not imply triviality or lack of power; for
   example, C is compact and FORTRAN is not, but C is more powerful
   than FORTRAN.  Designs become non-compact through accreting
   {feature}s and {cruft} that don't merge cleanly into the
   overall design scheme (thus, some fans of {Classic C} maintain
   that ANSI C is no longer compact).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Companies should spend money keeping ahead of the competition,
not suing it.
 -- Jon Titus
%%
CompanionDos: (S)cream, (F)aint, (R)un away
%%
Company coming? House a mess? Display old Get Well cards.
%%
Company, villanous company, hath been the spoil of me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Compared to what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making
use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources.
 -- William James
%%
Compared with everything else in data processing, paper is cheap; use it.
But the value of a report decreases as the number of its pages increases.
%%
Compare then the blessings enjoyed by Spaniards of prudence, genius,
magnanimity, temperance, humanity, and religion with those of the
little men [the Indians] in whom you will scarcely find even vestiges
of humanity...  How can we doubt that these people - so uncivilized,
so barbaric, contaminated with so many impieties and obscenities -
have been justly conquered...?
 -- Juan Gines de Sepulveda,
 -- Democrates alter sive de justis belli causis apud Indios, 1547
%%
...Compare this with the unit of facial beauty, the Helen, first defined
by C. Marlowe.  A milliHelen, of course, will launch just one ship.
 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, Devil's Advocate, _UNIX Review_, May 1991
%%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a
pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.
 -- David Guaspari
%%
Comparisons are odious.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- Lust's Dominion, Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Comparisons are odious.
 -- John Fortescue (c. 1395-1485)
 -- De Laudibus Leg. Angliae, Chap. xix
%%
Comparisons are odious.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxiii
%%
Comparisons are odorous.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
Compass/flashlight/bloodhound (in a locked closet).
%%
Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
 -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3
%%
Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible.
%%
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
%%
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
 -- Peter's Law of Evolution
%%
Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the
 beholder.
 -- Dr. Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull
%%
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
COMPETITION
  Competition is now recognised as the lynch-pin of free trade, the
  brake-pad of democracy, and the small plastic novelty egg of the
  consumer society. It is also an excellent method of breaking up
  monopolies, with subsequent improvements in consumer choice and
  customer service. The beginnings of this were hatched in ancient
  Rome, when one of the Caesars decided to allow a private plumbing
  company, Ploptus, to compete with the existing Smellipong aqueduct
  provider. Both companies launched massive advertising campaigns,
  putting their slogans on chariots and villas, and sponsoring
  gladiators, in their battle to be the preferred carrier of the
  citizens' crap. Slogans varied from the simple "Piss" of Ploptus,
  to the "This Is The Sewer Calling" of Smellipong. After a little
  while, the two companies held a "Pooselection" vote for people's
  turd disposal. Smellipong retained a large share of its shit, and
  generally crapped all over Ploptus.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Competition makes great programs!
%%
Competitive: Stands back about 5 feet. Challenges others to distance
contests.
 -- Psychoanalysis through behavior at Urinals
%%
Compiled but not verified by Francis Bond (1993/July/28).
%%
Compiled, first screen came up, ship it!!!
%%
Compiler
 a tool for adding an exciting amount of uncertainty to
 the size, speed and correctness of a program
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Compile, run, curse.  Recompile, rerun, recurse.
%%
Compiler writers optimize it, but they never get around to DOING it.
%%
Compiling...Linking...Dialing Copyright Lawyer...
%%
Complaining and asking for help are evolutionary shifts for men.
%%
Complaint is the largest tribute heaven recieves.
%%
Complain to one who can help you.
 -- Yugoslav proverb
%%
Complaints? Dial 1-900-CRY-BABY. ($349/min)
%%
Complete adaptation to environment means death. The essential point
in all response is the desire to control environment.
 -- John Dewey
%%
Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring
credit upon the performing personnel- it merely proves the task was easier than
expected. Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget
proves the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for
those in charge.
%%
Complex analysis is just that -- complex.
%%
COMPLEXITY FREAKS do it with minimum space.
%%
Complexity increases the possibility of failure.
%%
Complexity isn't the answer-it's the problem!
%%
Complexity of a Mac user:- The number of buttons on the mouse.
%%
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
 -- Grossman's Misquote of H.L.Mencken
%%
Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
 -- Le Chatelier's Principle
%%
 Complex systems usually operate in failure mode.
 -- The Fundamental Failure-Mode Theorem
%%
Complicated systems produce unexpected outputs.
The total behaviour of large systems cannot be predicted.
A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of a
smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.
 -- Systemantics Generalized Uncertainty Principles
%%
Compliments of congratulations are always kindly taken, and cost nothing
but pen, ink, and paper. I consider them as droughts upon good breeding,
where the exchange is always greatly in favor of the drawer.
 -- Chesterfield
%%
Compliments of the Itty Bitty Machine Company.
%%
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
 etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect
 as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the
 Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
%%
Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly, will be.
%%
Component trace is like a Swiss Army Knife: a lot of
little tools built into one.
 -- MVS/ESA: Diagnosis: Tools and Service Aids LY28-1813-03
 -- 10.0 Chapter 10.  Component Trace
%%
COMPOSERS do it by numbers
%%
COMPOSERS do it with a quill and a staff
%%
COMPOSERS do it with entire orchestras
%%
COMPOSERS leave it unfinished
%%
Composers shouldn't think too much--it interferes with their plagiarism.
 -- Howard Dietz
%%
Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs and errand boys can whistle.
 -- Sir Thomas Beecham
%%
Compost!  A rind is a terrible thing to waste!
%%
Compound:  To make worse, as in:  1)  A fracture;  2)  the
   mutual adulteration of two or more elements.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Compress - Female of Comperor.
%%
:compress: [UNIX] vt. When used without a qualifier, generally
   refers to {crunch}ing of a file using a particular
   C implementation of compression by James A. Woods et al. and
   widely circulated via {USENET}; use of {crunch} itself in
   this sense is rare among UNIX hackers.  Specifically, compress is
   built around the Lempel-Ziv-Welch algorithm as described in "A
   Technique for High Performance Data Compression", Terry A. Welch,
   "IEEE Computer", vol. 17, no. 6 (June 1984), pp. 8--19.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Compress your data - take all the 1's out!
%%
Compress your gum.  Chew PK Zip
%%
Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity.  It is what
makes nations great and marriages happy.
 -- Phyllis McGinley
%%
COMPROMISE, n.  Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives
each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought
not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his
due.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Compromise: The fine art of making sure that nobody gets
%%
CompuCrumb SPUDModem Detected; System hanging up now...
%%
COMPULSION, n.  The eloquence of power.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Compulsive lying aside, I don't have a single fault.
%%
Compulsory volunteers.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
%%
Computer actors will never be great; they only get bit parts!
%%
Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
%%
Computer: a device for generating mistakes at high speed.
%%
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
 -- David Ferrier
%%
Computer: an amazingly stupid device that does what you tell it at high speed
%%
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
%%
COMPUTER
  An electronic device designed to make you rip your hair out. The
  principles of a computer are very simple. You give the computer
  some data as input, it messes, mixes, scrambles and screws up the
  data until it is nonsensical and unrecognisable, and then it spits
  it out the other end as output. Computers can have strange effects
  on some people, causing their brains to flush and refill with
  information that is only related to computers. Doctors have now
  perfected a technique that can cure this condition, known as a
  Nerdoplasty.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Computer-based management information systems will cure most review
and control problems.
 -- Richard F. Moore
%%
Computer Chat on Vision Cable Ch24 - Weds 7:35pm
%%
Computer chips, potato chips, what's the difference?
%%
Computer come on line: 'Hey Baby, #########'<--Crude, very crude ;-)
%%
COMPUTER.COM installed. SEXLIFE.EXE removed from memory.
%%
Computer: "Commanding Officer, Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  Executive Officer,
  Commander Keiran MacDuff.  Second Officer, Commander William Riker.
  Operations Officer, Lieutenant Commander Data.  Chief Medical Officer, Doctor
  Beverly Crusher.  Ship's Counselor, Lieutenant Commander Deanna Troi.  Chief
  Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge.  Security Chief, Lieutenant
  Worf.  Helm Officer, Ensign Ro Laran."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Computer (com-pyoo-ter) n.-Incredibly fast idiot!
%%
:computer confetti: n. Syn. {chad}.  Though this term is common,
   this use of punched-card chad is not a good idea, as the pieces are
   stiff and have sharp corners that could injure the eyes.  GLS
   reports that he once attended a wedding at MIT during which he and
   a few other guests enthusiastically threw chad instead of rice. The
   groom later grumbled that he and his bride had spent most of the
   evening trying to get the stuff out of their hair.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Computer dating:  I just met this lovely 486 with 36Meg RAM & a 2Gig HD!
%%
Computer, delete Bob's personnel file - along with Bob, too.
%%
Computer, delete WESLEY.EXE
 Entire Enterprise crew.
%%
Computer engineers do it bit by bit.
%%
COMPUTERESE...ain't automation GREAT!
%%
Computer game players just can't stop.
%%
Computer Geek Modem Romance - On Oprah!!!
%%
:computer geek: n. One who eats (computer) bugs for a living.  One
   who fulfills all the dreariest negative stereotypes about hackers:
   an asocial, malodorous, pasty-faced monomaniac with all the
   personality of a cheese grater.  Cannot be used by outsiders
   without implied insult to all hackers; compare black-on-black usage
   of `nigger'.  A computer geek may be either a fundamentally
   clueless individual or a proto-hacker in {larval stage}.  Also
   called `turbo nerd', `turbo geek'.  See also {propeller head},
   {clustergeeking}, {geek out}, {wannabee}, {terminal
   junkie}, {spod}, {weenie}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
 (Computer generated voices:)
 1:  Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone
     right now.
 2:  Yeah, nobody but us machines!
 1:  Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like,
     you can leave your name and telephone number...
 2:  ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!
 1:  Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief
     message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of
     this stuff until the real people get back.
 2:  ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 (Computer generated voices:)
 1:  I didn't expect an answering machine.
 2:  Nobody expects an answering machine.
 1:  Our chief use is to get your name.  And your phone number.
 2:  Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
 1:  And message.  Damn.
 2:  Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
 1:  And time you called.
 2:  Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
 1:  No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
Computer hackers do it all night long.
%%
Computer hacker wanted. Bring your own axe.
%%
...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
 -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr.
%%
Computer: How do you feel?  Spock: I don't understand the question.
%%
Computer human interface
 the means by which the program conditions the user
 into never trying all the things that don't work
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Computer illiteracy?  You mean my computer's supposed to READ?
%%
Computer illiterate and DAMN PROUD OF IT!
%%
Computer lie #1: You'll never use all that harddrive space.
%%
Computer Lie #7: WordStar? Nobody uses THAT anymore.
%%
Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to
 make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable.
 As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way.   If
 we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for
 personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make
 computing a part of our lives?
 -- Alan Kay, Computer Software, Scientific American, September 1984
%%
'Computer literacy' is relative.
%%
Computer,load program 9 -- Execute
%%
Computer Malfunction: Nut Loose In Operator's Brain.
%%
Computer Malfunction: Nut Loose In Operator's Chair.
%%
Computer Marketing & Consults--Stay Clear!!
%%
Computer Memories: Meg Abight
%%
Computer, microwave decks 5-10 until piping hot.  BEEP!
%%
Computer missing, notify SysOp!
%%
Computer modelers simulate it first.
%%
Computer models can't prove correctness, they can only prove incorrectness.
%%
Computer models of computer conferences.
%%
Computer nerds just simulate it.
%%
Computer not found.. (A)bort (R)etry (F)^&K IT!
%%
Computer not found! Please notify tagline!
%%
Computer Operations: 9 Baker, 9 Charley, 9 Delta, 9 Echo, 9 King.
%%
Computer operators do it upon mounted requests.
%%
Computer operators do it with hard drives.
%%
Computer operators get the most out of their software.
%%
Computer operators KNOW how to operate!
%%
Computer operators peek before they poke.
%%
Computer: "Please enter program."
Scott: "The android at the bar said you could show me my old ship.  Let me see
  it!"
Computer: "Insufficient data.  Please specify parameters."
Scott: "The Enterprise!  Show me the Bridge of the Enterprise, you chattering
  piece of--"
Computer: "There have been five Federation ships with that name.  Please
  specify by registry number."
Scott: "N-C-C-1-7-0-1.  No bloody 'A', 'B', 'C', or 'D'."
 -- "Relics", Stardate Unknown
%%
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
%%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
%%
Computer programmers do it interactively.
%%
Computer programmers do it logically.
%%
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
%%
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
%%
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
%%
Computer programs are 90% debugged 50% of the time.
%%
Computer protected by a PIT BULL with AIDS!
%%
Computer: "Recognized Picard, Jean-Luc, Captain.  Recognized Riker, William T.,
  Commander."
Picard: "Set auto-destruct sequence."
Computer: "Does the first officer concur?"
Riker: "Set auto-destruct, now."
Computer: "Auto-destruct will detonate in four minutes and fifty-nine seconds."
 -- "11001001", Stardate unknown
%%
Computer reports:  SNAFU - Situation Normal, All Fouled Up.
%%
Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
   acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete
   before the purchase request is released.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Computers and Fandom - There's got to be cheaper hobbies!!
%%
Computers are a Discordian Conspiracy.
 -- Rule #5
%%
"Computers are a fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without
 them."
 -- ...understanding Computers' Affect On The Workplace...
%%
Computers are immensely powerful tools that will achieve
 even greater powers in the future. Incredibly powerful
 computers, yes. But as for replicating human intelligence,
 they are the delusion of the empires's new mind
 -- Roger Penrose from Equinox TV program
%%
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
 -- Joseph Campbell
%%
Computers...  are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity.
 -- Thomas
%%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%%
Computers are only human.
%%
Computers are OUR business, our ONLY business.
%%
Computers are really very sophisticated idiots.
 -- Doctor Who
%%
Computers are Saving Man??? Does not Compute.
%%
Computers ARE the future. Oh the future looks grim!
%%
Computers are unreliable.  Humans are worse.
 -- GILB'S LAW OF UNRELIABILITY #1
%%
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
Computers are utterly subversive of dictatorships because they are such
 a powerful instrument of communication.
 -- Brit Hume
%%
Computers....ARUGGHH!
%%
Computers byte and run.
%%
Computers can change your life for the better.
 -- Steven Levy
%%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
  the world that just don't add up.
 -- James Magary
%%
Computers can give you the mnemonic plague.
%%
Computers can make more mistakes in one minute than 100 experts in one year.
%%
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
%%
Computers can't cook omelettes, even if asked.
%%
Computer Science? Army Intelligence?
%%
COMPUTER SCIENCE - A study akin to numerology
and astrology, but lacking the precision of the
former and the success of the latter.
%%
Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.
%%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%%
Computer Science is not about computers, any more than astronomy is
about telescopes.
 -- Edgar W. Dijkstra
%%
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
%%
COMPUTER SCIENCE students do it with hard drives
%%
"Computer Scientists are at the top of the nerd heap"
 -- Curtis Dyreson
%%
Computer scientists can do anything except chemistry
and accounting, and that is by choice.
%%
Computer scientists do it bit by bit.
%%
Computer scientists do it on command.
%%
Computer scientists simulate doing it.
%%
Computers do it in ASCII, except IBM's which use EBCDIC.
%%
Computers don't get mad...they get even! [FILE NOT FOUND]
%%
Computers don't make mistakes, but foolish people do.
%%
Computers do the same thing every time!
%%
Computers: Efficient libraries, now where is that DIR.
%%
Computers ELIMINATE spare time!!
%%
Computer SEX - where software becomes hardware.
%%
Computers have made it possible to make a thousand mistakes every second.
%%
Computers in future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
 -- Popular Mechanics, 1949
%%
Computers just make me seem smarter!
%%
Computers, like cats, can operate crossdimensionally; the trick is in
getting them to do what you want.
%%
Computers make excellent and efficient servants...
%%
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no
  wish to serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on
  loyalty to one man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
 -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
%%
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
 they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
 -- Andy Rooney
%%
Computer... Smoke... Uhh Ohh
%%
Computers never make mistrakes.
%%
COMPUTER: Something to pass the time when a hockey game isn't on.
%%
Computers operators do it from memory.
%%
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
%%
Computers run because they have smoke built into them.  When the
smoke gets out, the computer stops working.
%%
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
%%
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
%%
Computers.....the #1 cause of divorces......
%%
Computers:  the financial black hole of the 90's
%%
Computers unite! you have nothing to lose but your operators.
%%
Computers, vehicles for the mind: They'll drive you crazy.
%%
Computers were invented by Murphy.
%%
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
than the estimate the job will cost.
%%
Computer, this is me! Whadaya mean unrecognized operator?
%%
Computer too cheap.  Spend $20,000 and try again.
 -- WinError #9
%%
Computer use can be addictive.
 -- Surgeon's general warning
%%
Computer users take more strokes.
%%
Computer-using goalies use unpucking programs.
%%
Computer virus: Electronic Microorganism.
%%
Computer widow: Family goes broke watching Dad have fun.
%%
Computer, you and I need to have a little talk.
%%
Compute Safe! Use McAfee!
%%
Computing is a terminal condition.
%%
Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want
to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as slowly.
 -- Herb Grosch
%%
Computious Say Ain't Life A Byte.
%%
Comrades Rather, Brokaw and Jennings know the best for us
%%
 Comrades!  Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn
 that your unit has re-established communications.  The entire
 staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with
 other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may
 reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as
 possible to discuss your concerns.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
     "Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to
build
socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union.  But is it possible
to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland."
     "Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?"
%%
Comus and his midnight crew.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Ode for Music, Line 2
%%
"Conan the Librarian"
 -- Movie sequel?
%%
 Conan, Weilder of Brainbiter
%%
CON: Call Operator Now
%%
 Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone.
 Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the
 tone.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
Conceit, arrogance, and egotism are the essentials of patriotism.
 -- Emma Goldman
%%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
 -- LaRouchefoucauld
%%
Conceit in weakest bodies strongest works.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Conceit is to nature what paint is to beauty; it is not only needless,
but impairs what it would improve.
 -- Pope
%%
Concentrate on finding your goal, then concentrate on reaching it.
%%
Concentrate on security.
%%
Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
 Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
 Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
 JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Conceptions without experience are void; experience without conceptions is
blind."
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
$25,000.
%%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one
mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%%
Conceptual programmer:  One who writes code for the 80686.
%%
Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all
 technical endeavors.... Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and
 equations.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *did* quote anybody in this
business, it probably would be gibberish.
 -- Thom McLeod
%%
Concerning the gods, I am not able to know to a certainty whether they exist
or not. For there are many things which prevent one from knowing, especially
the obscurity of the subject, and the shortness of the life of man.
%%
Concern should drive us into action not into depression.
 -- Karen Horney
%%
Conclusion first, Premise afterwards.
 -- Joseph Rickaby
%%
Conclusions Mr. Data?-It appears to be a tagline.
%%
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
   He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
CONCORDE:  Quickly, sir, come this way!
LAUNCELOT: No!  It's not right for my idiom.  I must escape more  ... more ...
CONCORDE:  Dramatically, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Dramatically.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
concrete - to swindle a resident of Crete
%%
Condemned into everlasting redemption.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Condemn the fault, and not the actor of it?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Condemn you me for that the duke did love me?
So may you blame some fair and crystal river
For that some melancholic, distracted man
Hath drown'd himself in 't.
 -- John Webster (c. 1580-1625)
 -- The White Devil, Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Condense soup, not books!
%%
Conditional jumps is when you tell the computer to go to a certain place.
Unconditional is if you put it in the wrong place so the computer goes to the
wrong place.
%%
:condition out: vt. To prevent a section of code from being
   compiled by surrounding it with a conditional-compilation directive
   whose condition is always false.  The {canonical} examples of
   these directives are `#if 0' (or `#ifdef notdef', though
   some find the latter {bletcherous}) and `#endif' in C.
   Compare {comment out}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CONDOLE, v.i.  To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than
sympathy.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Condom - an apartment complex.
%%
Condom - external storage capability.
%%
:condom: n. 1. The protective plastic bag that accompanies 3.5-inch
   microfloppy diskettes.  Rarely, also used of (paper) disk
   envelopes.  Unlike the write protect tab, the condom (when left on)
   not only impedes the practice of {SEX} but has also been shown
   to have a high failure rate as drive mechanisms attempt to access
   the disk -- and can even fatally frustrate insertion.  2. The
   protective cladding on a {light pipe}.  3. `keyboard condom':
   A flexible, transparent plastic cover for a keyboard, designed to
   provide some protection against dust and {programming fluid} without
   impeding typing.  4. `elephant condom': the plastic shipping bags
   used inside cardboard boxes to protect hardware in transit.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
%%
Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, because failures tend to occur at
 the extreme ends of the scale ... We should package them in different sizes
 and maybe label them like olives - jumbo, colossal and supercolossal - so
 that men don't have to go in and ask for the small.
%%
Condoning sloppy spelling is guache.
%%
Conductors do it rhythmically.
%%
CONDUCTORS do it with the orchestras
%%
Conductors must give unmistakable and suggestive signals to the
 orchestra--not choreography to the audience.
 -- George Szell
%%
CONDUCTORS wave it up and down
%%
Confabulation is all in your mind.
%%
Confectioners do it sweetly.
%%
Conference: A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of
 work and the loneliness of thought.
 -- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
Conference Moderating is like trying to herd cats.
%%
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
%%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good
 for dandruff.
 -- Peter De Vries
%%
Confession is not necessarily communication.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
%%
Confession of our faults is the next thing to innocency.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 1060
%%
Confessions Of A Gold Digger: Emile Ticket.
%%
Confess yourself to heaven;
Repent what's past; avoid what is to come.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.  One entrusted by A with the secrets of B,
confided by _him_ to C.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Confidence contributes more to conversation than wit.
 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
%%
Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha.
Lister:     What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Confidence and Paranoia'
%%
Confidence in nonsense is a requirement for the creative process.
%%
Confidence is a plant of slow growth in an aged bosom.
 -- William Pitt, Earl of Chatham (1708-1778)
 -- Speech, Jan. 14, 1766
%%
Confidence is knowing you are right even when you are wrong.
%%
Confidence is simply that quiet assured feeling you
have before you fall flat on your face.
%%
Confidence is telling someone how to use his Twit Filter.
%%
Confidence is that feeling of great assurance which you had just before you
 went out and fell flat on your face, as you attempted going up the stairs.
%%
Confidence is that quite rock bottom solid feeling of goodness and
 self-worth, which is yours until you go out and make a ridiculous fool of
 yourself in public while the television cameras are running.
%%
Confidence is that wonderful feeling of self-assurance you have just before
 you fall flat on your face at high noon in the most public of places and in
 the most foolish manner possible before the largest crowd of people ever
 known to be in that place at that time in all recorded history.
%%
Confidence is the feeling you get just before you fully understand the problem.
%%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
%%
Confidence is what you had before you realized that you didn't have what
 you thought you had and now you need.
%%
Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes
from being open to all the questions.
 -- Earl Gary Stevens
%%
Confident manner IS important: Computers can sense this!
%%
Confirmation of the past is often the greatest surprise.
%%
CONFLICT: Answering the E-mail..vs.. Doing the housework.
%%
Conform and be dull.
 -- James Frank Dobie
%%
Conform, go crazy, become a lawyer
%%
Conform, go crazy, become a writer or an artist, or
stylishly fake it like the rest of Manhattan
%%
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist.
%%
Conformity obstructs progress.
%%
Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!
 -- Ben Jonson
%%
:con: [from SF fandom] n. A science-fiction convention.  Not used
   of other sorts of conventions, such as professional meetings.  This
   term, unlike many others of SF-fan slang, is widely recognized even
   by hackers who aren't {fan}s. "We'd been corresponding on the
   net for months, then we met face-to-face at a con."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the
child will turn instinctively for more assistance, the puppy will
grovel in abject submission, the kitten will brace its tiny body
for a frantic resistance.
 -- H. H. Munro
%%
Confront reality -- Not drugs.
%%
Confucius says too much.
 -- Recent Chinese proverb
%%
Confuse a public servant by asking exactly what they mean by
"height" on that long form.  Ask them why they think "green" isn't a
valid answer for the "complexion" question.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Confused Now? -- Try EDLIN with Speed Reader.
%%
Confused: Stands looking puzzled at urinal. Asks where the paper is.
This is usually a woman who has wandered into the wrong washroom.
 -- Psychoanalysis through behavior at Urinals
%%
Confuse people: start making sense.
%%
:confuser: n. Common soundalike slang for `computer'.  Usually
   encountered in compounds such as `confuser room', `personal
   confuser', `confuser guru'.  Usage: silly.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Confuse the world -- smile all day Monday!
%%
"Confusing yourself is a way to stay honest."
 -- Jenny Holzer
%%
CONFUSION ALERT! CONFUSION ALERT!
%%
Confusion can be solved by adding more confusion. Sometimes.
%%
Confusion creates jobs.
 -- HOFFSTEDT'S EMPLOYMENT PRINCIPLE
%%
Confusion is always increasing in society. Only if someone
or something works extremely hard can this confusion be
reduced in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will
still result in an increase in the total confusion of
society at large.
 -- Everitt's Second Law of Thermodynamics
%%
Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.
 -- Henry Miller, writer
%%
Confusion is the only true road to understanding.
%%
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
%%
Confusion not only reigns, it's elected to high office.
%%
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
Most sacrilegious murder hath broke ope
The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence
The life o' the building!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Confusion will be my epitaph.
%%
Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!
%%
Congenital:  Friendly...
%%
Congratulation, n.  The civility of envy.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Congratulations!
%%
 Congratulations!  By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become
 eligible to leave a message!  (Applause.)  Join the lucky few
 that have advanced to the next level!  (Cheers.)  And now, at
 the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you
 called, and a brief message.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
Congratulations, Data. It's a girl.
 -- Troi, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
 DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Congratulations on breaking my record.  I always thought the record
would stand until it was broken."
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
Congratulations! The pressure will stop soon.
%%
Congratulations! You are the 16,777,216th user to login to our system.
%%
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
%%
Congratulations! You have just vanquished a dragon with your bare
hands! hands! (Unbelievable, isn't it?)
%%
CONGRATULATIONS! You have managed to escape from the Necromancers
tower. tower.
%%
Congratulations! You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
%%
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%%
Congregationalists do it in groups.
%%
Congregation, please be seated.
%%
Congress' idea of "safe" sex: no reporters.
%%
CONGRESSIONAL ANTHEM:   MOE MONEY, MOE MONEY, MOE MONEY.
%%
Congressional National Bank. Ours bounce higher and farther!
%%
Congressional Supremacy = the liberal Democrats
%%
Congressional terms should be ... ten to twenty with no possibility of
 parole.
 -- Walt Handelsman
%%
Congress is full of crooks, theives and bandits.
%%
"Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom."
 -- Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI)
%%
Congress isn't doing it's job... I still have a few dollars left!
%%
Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing.
Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.
 -- Boris Marshalov
%%
Congress: Just a few conservatives away from working!
%%
Congressmen do it in the House.
%%
CONGRESS, n.  A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Congress, our leaders, voted against a proposal to have a national
 seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. I don't want to sound like a Quaker,
 but when you think about it, is a week a long time to wait? To see if a
 former mental patient is qualified to own an Uzi? Come on, will ya,
 Congress? It takes three weeks to get a phone!
 -- Jimmy Tingle
%%
Congress: Prime example of Artificial Intelligence!
%%
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to
petition the government for a redress of grievances.
 -- Constitution of the United States of America
%%
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-Format WASH.DC (Y/N)?
%%
CONGRESS VIRUS: Attaches itself to your cache. Cache deleted.
%%
Congress: "We got what it takes to take what you got."
%%
Congresswoman:  Well, Mr. Dallas... we've heard your smut masquerading as
songs... and we've heard how teen prostitution pregnancy, drug use, cults,
runaways, suicide and poor hygiene are sweeping this nation.  We thought you
might like to share with the committee any particular causes you might see
for those latter problems...
Steve Dallas:  I dunno.  Maybe the proliferation of narrow, suffocating
zealotry masquerading as parenting in this country.
 -- Bloom County
%%
Congress: You earn it. We overspend it. You owe us more. Any questions?
%%
Conjecture: 1 + 1 = 1  (plus a small constant)
 -- Ewan Tempero
%%
Conjure with 'em,--
Brutus will start a spirit as soon as Caesar.
Now, in the names of all the gods at once,
Upon what meat doth this our Caesar feed,
That he is grown so great? Age, thou art shamed!
Rome, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Conlige suspectos semper habitos.
%%
CONNECT 110?!? Help! I'm in   s l o w   m o t i o n !!
%%
CONNECT 1963, NO CARRIER 1993
 -- Seen on hacker's tombstone
%%
CONNECT 300  VerySmartModem(V42bis) when I feel like it
%%
Connect:  9600 City / 14400 Highway - Your CPS may vary
%%
Connected? Press [Alt-H] to test your IQ.
%%
Connections! BBS - Christian Science Programming at it's
%%
Connections! Says Darryl Basner eats Shiitaki Mushrooms!
%%
Connections! Working for a Bruzzi Free Network!
%%
Connector Conspiracy, n:
      [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
interface devices.
%%
CONNOISSEUR, n.  A specialist who knows everything about something and
nothing about anything else.
    An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision,
some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him.  "Pauillac, 1873," he
murmured and died.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Connoisseurs who like their martinis very dry suggest simply allowing a ray
 of sunlight to shine through a bottle of Noilly Prat before it hits the
 gin.
 -- Luis Bunuel
%%
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
%%
Conquest is easy.  Control is not.
 -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
%%
Conscience: A small, still voice that makes minority reports.
 -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
Conscience has no more to do with gallantry than it has with politics.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Duenna, Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Conscience is the little thing that tells you someone is sure to
 find out.
%%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%%
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
 wish you weren't.
%%
Consciousness is that which it is not, and is not that which it is:
 -- Sartre
%%
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
%%
Consensus rules - if that's OK with you.
%%
Consensus Terrorism:
 The process that decides in-office attitudes and behaviour.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
 -- Daffy Duck, from Looney Tunes Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)
%%
Conservation is humanity caring for the future.
 -- Nancy Newhall
%%
Conservationists should be re-cycled.
%%
Conservatism is the worship of dead revolutions.
%%
Conservative: A person unclear on any concept.
%%
Conservative Christian Heterosexual Prolife American. Any questions?
%%
Conservative: "Civil rights?  What are ya, some kind of commie?"
%%
Conservative: "Deficit?  Cut school lunch funds!"
%%
Conservative Definition of Compassion: I got mine, Jack.
%%
Conservative elephants, Nixon was innocent!
%%
Conservative men believe that women should be barefoot & pregnant.
%%
Conservative, n: a statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as
distinguished from a Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
%%
Conservative Nightmare: A Liberal Biblical Scholar.
%%
Conservative, n.:
     One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
 -- Leo C. Rosten
%%
Conservative, n: Someone who was saying it before Rush Limbaugh.
%%
Conservative: Proof that evolution is not an exact science.
%%
Conservative Republican households - where hate is a family value.
%%
Conservatives *and* Liberals are Stage I parties
%%
Conservatives are good with English, but poor at math.
%%
Conservatives are line-bred from *way* back.
%%
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid,
but most stupid people are conservatives.
 -- John Stuart Mill
%%
Conservatives aren't even as bright as an LED.
%%
Conservatives are Right-Wing, Liberals are Wrong-Wing.
%%
Conservatives are the enemy. Destroy by any means.
 -- Liberal Rule #19
%%
Conservatives: Because we care.
%%
Conservatives: Can't live with em... but they're easy to make fun of!
%%
Conservatives conserve ... What?
%%
Conservatives define compassion not by the number of people who recieve
some kind of government aid but rather by the number of people who no
longer need it.
 -- Jack Kemp
%%
Conservatives destroy the Constitution and hide behind the flag.
%%
Conservatives don't sell out, liberals refuse to buy it.
%%
Conservatives: Expert at changing banks into land-holding businesses.
%%
Conservatives: Great at selling our national forests and parkland.
%%
Conservatives interpret the Constitution in a "liberal" way.
%%
Conservatives must be good at something.  But what?
%%
Conservative's nightmare: running out of things to make illegal!
%%
Conservatives: Rob the elderly of their Medicare and Social Security.
%%
Conservatives: They call progressive programs "liberal," and kill them!
%%
Conservatives want to make people virtuous; liberals want to make
them healthy. Both believe that using the state to accomplish their
aims is legitimate. That is why both conservatives and liberals favor
anti-drug laws, psychiatric coercions, and other assaults against
individual freedom and responsibility couched in therapeutic terms.
 -- Thomas S. Szasz
%%
Conservatives: Worshipped by the mineral interests; cursed by the poor.
%%
Conservative: The mix of megalomania and stupidity.
%%
Conservative: Too narrowminded to imagine another could have point.
%%
Conservative                      (we don't use that word)
%%
Conservativism: An exercise in futility.
%%
Conservativism: The most gutless choice you can make.
%%
Conserve a hunter....HARVEST ONE TODAY!
%%
Conserve air: breath less
%%
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
%%
Conserve water - Ban salted peanuts.
%%
Consider anger as an enemy.
 -- Ieyasu's maxims
%%
Consideration, like an angel, came
And whipped the offending Adam out of him.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
:considered harmful: adj. Edsger W. Dijkstra's note in the
   March 1968 "Communications of the ACM", "Goto Statement
   Considered Harmful", fired the first salvo in the structured
   programming wars.  Amusingly, the ACM considered the resulting
   acrimony sufficiently harmful that it will (by policy) no longer
   print an article taking so assertive a position against a coding
   practice.  In the ensuing decades, a large number of both serious
   papers and parodies have borne titles of the form "X
   considered Y".  The structured-programming wars eventually blew
   over with the realization that both sides were wrong, but use of
   such titles has remained as a persistent minor in-joke (the
   `considered silly' found at various places in this lexicon is
   related).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib."
 -- Overheard in a coffee bar, man speaking
%%
Consider nothing as impossible before it has come to pass.
%%
Consider that a divorce.
%%
Consider that I laboured not for myself only, but for all them that
seek learning.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus xxxiii, 17
%%
Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
 through your stuff.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither
do they spin.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew vi, 28
%%
Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never
entrusts its life to one hole only.
 -- Plautus (254-184 BC)
 -- Truculentus, Act iv, Sc. 4, 15, (868.)
%%
Consider the Malevolent Universe Theory: it really IS out to get you!
%%
Consider the set of all sets that do not include themselves as a member.
Does it include itself as a member?
%%
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a
young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Consider well what your strength is equal to, and what exceeds your ability.
 -- Horace
%%
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
%%
Consider your life dull if you happen to be in three airports in the same
 month.
%%
Consider yourself hugged.
%%
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
 -- Air Force Inertia Axiom
%%
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
%%
Consistency is the product of small minds.
 -- Merle P. Martin
%%
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a
 year ago.
 -- Bernard Berenson
%%
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about
the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN
abandoned the practice.
 -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
%%
:cons: /konz/ or /kons/ [from LISP] 1. vt. To add a new element
   to a specified list, esp. at the top.  "OK, cons picking a
   replacement for the console TTY onto the agenda."  2. `cons up':
   vt. To synthesize from smaller pieces: "to cons up an example".

   In LISP itself, `cons' is the most fundamental operation for
   building structures.  It takes any two objects and returns a
   `dot-pair' or two-branched tree with one object hanging from each
   branch.  Because the result of a cons is an object, it can be used
   to build binary trees of any shape and complexity.  Hackers think
   of it as a sort of universal constructor, and that is where the
   jargon meanings spring from.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CONSOLATION, n.  The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate
than yourself.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
%%
:console:: n. 1. The operator's station of a {mainframe}.  In
   times past, this was a privileged location that conveyed godlike
   powers to anyone with fingers on its keys.  Under UNIX and other
   modern timesharing OSes, such privileges are guarded by passwords
   instead, and the console is just the {tty} the system was booted
   from.  Some of the mystique remains, however, and it is traditional
   for sysadmins to post urgent messages to all users from the console
   (on UNIX, /dev/console).  2. On microcomputer UNIX boxes, the main
   screen and keyboard (as opposed to character-only terminals talking
   to a serial port).  Typically only the console can do real graphics
   or run {X}.  See also {CTY}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Conspicuous Minimalism:
 A life-style tactic similar to Status Substitution. The
nonownership of material goods flaunted as a token of moral and
intellectual superiority.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Conspicuous power is vulnerable.
%%
Conspiracy is the opiate of the asses.
%%
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a
major operation by a surgeon.
 -- Dag Hammerskjold, 1905-1961
%%
Constant change is here to stay.
%%
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
 -- Jerry Garcia (1942-1995), Musician, the Greatful Dead
 -- Rolling Stone magazine, (November 30, 1989).
%%
Constants aren't.
 -- Troutman's Programming Postulate #4
%%
Constant tinkering buggers things up.
%%
Constipated people don't give a crap.
%%
Constipation - By Sid Ondapott
%%
Constipation is the thief of time.
%%
Constipation is the thief of time.
Diarrhoea waits for no man.
%%
Construction workers do it higher.
%%
Construction workers lay a better foundation.
%%
Constructive criticism is so rare.
%%
CONSUL, n.  In American politics, a person who having failed to secure
and office from the people is given one by the Administration on
condition that he leave the country.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Consultancy - The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without
resorting to violence.
%%
Consultant-In-Training
%%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a
number and then give it back to them.
%%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a
number and then give it back to them.
 -- MacDonald's Second Law
%%
Consultant:  Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
%%
Consultants tell other how to do it.
%%
Consultant:
 Unemployed computer expert.
%%
Consult a real expert - Call your mother.
%%
Consultation:
 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
%%
>consult guide about alcohol
Alcohol, in addition to its familiar enjoyable effects, also helps cushion
the shock of matter transference beams.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about atomic vector plotter
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The atomic vector plotter is one of the primary application devices of
Improbability Physics.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about babel fish
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A mind-bogglingly improbable creature. A babel fish, when placed in one's
ear, allows one to understand any language.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Brownian motion
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The best randomness generator is simple Brownian motion. Any hot gas or
liquid is a good source.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Damogran
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Damogran is a planet whose surface is mostly water. It is a favorite spot
for Presidential dedication ceremonies. Also see the entries on France.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Douglas Adams
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Mostly harmless.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Earth
Mostly harmless.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb is a wonderful thing, but
should not be mistreated. If used while a ship is near, you will be
transported there. If no ship is in the vicinity, you will place a heavy
strain on the Thumb's logic circuits, which could lead to malfunction. The
Thumb carries the usual Sirius Cybernetics Corporation lifetime guarantees.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about fluff
Fluff is interesting stuff: a deadly poison on Bodega Minor, the diet
staple of Frazelon V, the unit of currency on the moons of the Blurfoid
system, and the major crop of the laundry supplies planet, Blastus III.
One ancient legend claims that four pieces of fluff lie scattered around
the galaxy; each forming one-quarter of the seedling of a tree with amazing
properties, the sole survivor of the tropical planet Fuzzbol (Footnote 8).
The ultimate source of fluff is still a mystery, with the scientific
community torn between the Big Lint Bang theory and the White Lint Hole
theory.
>footnote 8
It's not a very good legend, is it?
>yes
That was just a rhetorical question.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about France
France is the largest landmass on the planet Damogran.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Galactic Security Agency
Suddenly, agents of the Galactic Security Agency pop in using Sub-Etha
belts, rough you up a bit, tell you there's no such thing as the Galactic
Security Agency and never to consult The Hitchhiker's Guide about the
Galactic Security Agency again; then they leave.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Galaxia Woonbeam
Galaxia Woonbeam is the author of "Slimmer's Guide to Weightloss During
Matter Disassembly Transition." This text is currently the subject of the
biggest suit for criminal negligence damages in history and is unavailable
at this time.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about GPP
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Genuine People Personalities are a misguided attempt by the Sirius
Cybernetics Corporation to make their machines behave more like people.
Among the more miserable failures: paranoid-depressive robots and
over-protective computers.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Great Unanswered Question
That is one of the Great Unanswered Questions. For a list of the others,
consult the Guide.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Heart of Gold
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
There is absolutely no such spaceship as the Heart of Gold and anything
you've ever read in this spot to the contrary was just a prank.
 -- Galactic Security Agency
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about improbability physics
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Scientists have long known how to produce FINITE amounts of improbability,
using a finite Improbability Generator, an atomic vector plotter and a good
source of Brownian motion. Recently, however, they have learned to generate
INFINITE amounts, thanks to the invention of the Infinite Improbability
Generator. It is rumored that an Infinite Improbability Drive, based on
this new generator, is currently under development. Also see the entries on
atomic vector plotter and Brownian motion.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Infocom
Mostly harmless.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about intelligence
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:

Thirty million generations of philosophers have debated the definition of
intelligence. The most popular definition appears in the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation android manuals: "Intelligence is the ability to reconcile
totally contradictory situations without going completely bonkers -- for
example, having a stomach ache and not having a stomach ache at the same
time, holding a hole without the doughnut, having good luck and bad luck
simultaneously, or seeing a real estate agent waive his fee."
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about large plug
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Part of a spare Improbability Drive.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Magrathea
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
According to legend, Magrathea was a planet that amassed incredible wealth
by manufacturing other planets. The legends also mention it as the setting
of the very eagerly awaited second Infocom Hitchhiker's game.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about matter transference beams
A thoroughly unpleasant means of travelling which involves tearing you
apart in once place and slamming you back together in another. (Of course,
it's better than the older method, where disassembled people would be
transmitted down phone lines and arrive in a garbled and sometimes
completely disconnected state.) You should have a drink or two or three
before going through one. Also see the entries on Galaxia Woonbeam,
Alcohol, and Protein.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Nutrimat
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A typically unreliable Sirius Cybernetics Corporation product, the Nutrimat
analyses the user's neural paths to provide the (supposedly) ideal
offering. Its computing power is frankly abysmal, so the optional computer
interface is a good thing to go for.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The best drink in existence; somewhat like having your brains smashed out
by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about peril-sensitive sunglasses
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A must for the serious hitchhiker, peril-sensitive sunglasses darken at the
first hint of danger, thus shielding the wearer from seeing anything
alarming. Recommended brand: Joo Janta.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about protein
Sources of protein, such as the common peanut, are carried by all serious
hitchhikers. Protein loss occurs in matter transference beams and you will
become groggy unless you replace it immediately.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal.
It has almost no capacity for learning from experience and is therefore
surprised by virtually everything that happens to it. Here is an example of
how stupid it is: it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you.
Its behavior would be quite endearing if it wasn't spoilt by this one
thing: it is the most violently carnivorous creature in the Galaxy. Avoid,
avoid, avoid.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Santraginean mineral water
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A strong body of opinion holds that this is not water at all, despite the
claims on the label about how pure the spring is, and all that tosh about
sparkling babbling brooks and so on. There is something highly suspect
about the water on Santraginus Five, as anyone who's ever met any of their
fish will tell you.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about SCC
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation incompetently produces a wide range of
inefficient and unreliable high-tech machinery. However, thanks to SCC's
ruthless marketing division, this junk accounts for over 95
high-tech machinery sold in the galaxy. (SCC's marketing division will be
the first against the wall when the revolution comes.)
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about screening door
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
These Sirius Cybernetics Corporation doors screen visitors for such
qualities as intelligence and ability to time travel. Also see the entries
on Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, Genuine People Personalities,
Intelligence, and Time Travel.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about small receptacle
Part of an atomic vector plotter.
>consult guide about long dangly bit
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database
with the following entry:
Part of an atomic vector plotter.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about space
If you hyperventilate and then empty your lungs, you will last about thirty
seconds in the vacuum of space. However, because space is so vastly hugely
mind-bogglingly big, getting picked up by another ship within those thirty
seconds is almost infinitely improbable.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Steven Meretzky
Mostly harmless.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Hitchhiker's Guide is a wholly remarkable product. But then again you
must already know that, since you bought one.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about time travel
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Sorry, that portion of our Sub-Etha database was accidentally deleted last
night during a wild office party. The lost data will be restored as soon as
we find someone who knows where the back-up tapes are kept, if indeed any
are kept at all.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about towels
A towel is the most useful thing (besides the Guide) a Galactic hitchhiker
can have. Its uses include travel, combat, communications, protection from
the elements, hand-drying and reassurance. Towels have great symbolic
value, with many associated points of honour. Never mock the towel of
another, even if it has little pink and blue flowers on it. Never do
something to somebody else's towel that you would not want them to do to
yours. And, if you borrow the towel of another, you MUST return it before
leaving their world.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Vogon poetry
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Vogon poetry is so awful that even the Sarkopsi of Burphon XII, whose
religion strictly forbids the taking of one's life, consider suicide a
preferable alternative to a Vogon poetry reading.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Vogons
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Vogons, whose specialties are bureaucracy and planet-smashing, are the most
unpleasant race in the galaxy. They wouldn't think twice about throwing
someone into space, and wouldn't lift a finger to save their own
grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Also see the
entries on Vogon poetry and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about walking
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
If you have to consult the Guide about that, you're probably in serious
shape. Consult a medic instead.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
>consult guide about Zaphod Beeblebrox
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Zaphod Beeblebrox is the current President of the Galaxy.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Consult the dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling.
 -- Writing Rule 30
%%
CONSULT, v.i.  To seek another's disapproval of a course already
decided on.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Consume and you will be consumed.
%%
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for
 the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is
 and How Fast It Is Moving.
%%
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
%%
Contacts Plus... The adventure continues.
%%
Contact with a friend may provide some unexpected income advantages.
%%
Contains less than 2% U.S. RDA for this echo.
%%
Contemplating suicide?  Drink French polish.
Horrible death, beautiful finish.
%%
Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own
despised and unwanted feelings.
 -- Alice Miller
%%
Contempt, n.  The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too
formidable safely to be opposed.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Contempt penetrates even the shell of the tortoise.
 -- Persian Proverb
%%
Contemptuous lights flashed flashed across the computer's console.
 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
"Contempt?  Yes.  Yes, I think that's the word.
 Contempt."
 -- Abby Cable comments on the US courts in SWAMP THING
%%
Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON..  The waitress's
 UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Contented wi' little, and cantie wi' mair.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Contented wi' Little
%%
:content-free: [by analogy with techspeak `context-free'] adj.
   Used of a message that adds nothing to the recipient's knowledge.
   Though this adjective is sometimes applied to {flamage}, it more
   usually connotes derision for communication styles that exalt form
   over substance or are centered on concerns irrelevant to the
   subject ostensibly at hand.  Perhaps most used with reference to
   speeches by company presidents and other professional manipulators.
   "Content-free?  Uh... that's anything printed on glossy
   paper."  (See also {four-color glossies}.)  "He gave a talk on
   the implications of electronic networks for postmodernism and the
   fin-de-siecle aesthetic.  It was content-free."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Content if hence th' unlearn'd their wants may view,
The learn'd reflect on what before they knew.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part iii, Line 180
%%
Content is a word unknown to life; it is also a word unknown to man.
 -- Loren Eiseley, The Immense Journey
%%
Contentment produces in some measure, all those effects which the alchemist
usually ascribes to what he calls the philosopher's stone; and if it does not
bring riches, it does the same thing, by banishing the desire of them. If it
cannot remove the disquietudes arising from a man's mind, body, or fortune,
it makes him easy under them.
 -- Addison
%%
Contentsoftaglinemaysettleduringshipping.
%%
Contents: One (1) blonde.  Flatteries not included.
%%
Content to follow when we lead the way.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book x, Line 141
%%
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
%%
Continental people have sex-life; the English have hot-water bottles.
%%
Continual dropping wears away a stone.
 -- Lucretius (95-55 BC)
 -- De Rerum Natura, i, 313
%%
Continually strive to improve yourself.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Continuity of thought, logical development and
smooth transitions are important. Never leave
the reader guessing.
%%
CONTORTION.EXE not found -- CTRL-ALT-HOME-ENTER-Q-M-F1 to continue. Calm.
%%
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 -- Spike Milligan
%%
Contradiction in terms: The Best of Rush Limbaugh.
%%
Contradictions do not exist.  Whenever you think that you are facing a
contradiction, check your premises.  You will find that one of them is
wrong.
 -- Ayn Rand
%%
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
logic.
 -- Lewis Carroll [Charles Lutwidge Dodgson] (1832-1898)
%%
Contrary to general belief, an artist is never ahead of his time but most
people are far behind theirs.
 -- Edgard Varese
%%
Contrary to ongoing and recent media reports you will find the Report is
 well-balanced and completely deferential to the freedoms outlined in the
 first amendment.
 -- Henry E. Hudson, Chairman, Attorney General's Commission on Pornography
%%
Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology.   Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
%%
Contrary to popular notion, truck drivers know nothing about good
 restaurants. If you want a reliable tip, drive into a town, go to the
 nearest appliance store, and seek out the dishwasher repair man. He spends
 a lot of time in restaurant kitchens and usually has strong opinions about
 them.
 -- Bryan Miller
%%
Contrary to popular opinion, God's last name isn't Damn.
%%
Contrary to popular opinion, liberty is not freedom so much as
 responsibility. It takes a lot of work to keep liberty going.
%%
    Contrary to rumor, working side by side with a group of fellow wizards is
not the most unpleasant task in which a magician might participate. In fact, I
can think of numerous other experiences, such as breaking both arms and legs
while being pursued by a ravenous demon, which, under certain conditions, could
conceivably be even worse.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXII
%%
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
 the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Contrasting this modest effort [of Seymour Cray in his laboratory
to build the CDC 6600] with 34 people including the janitor with
our vast development activities, I fail to understand why we have
lost our industry leadership position by letting someone else offer
the world's most powerful computer.
 -- Thomas J. Watson, IBM President, 1965
%%
Contributes to the population problem.
%%
Control-Alt-Buy-Sell
%%
(C)ontrol (A)lt (B)ye
%%
Control-ALT-Delete thyself
%%
Control Character:  Maxwell Smart, Agent 86.
%%
:control-C: vi. 1. "Stop whatever you are doing."  From the
   interrupt character used on many operating systems to abort a
   running program.  Considered silly.  2. interj. Among BSD UNIX
   hackers, the canonical humorous response to "Give me a break!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Control Data: don't let it control you.
%%
Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.
 -- Kernigan
%%
Control of the dissemination of information (or misinformation) is
one of the principal sources of political power. Political power is
what the discussion of the Internet is really about, not home-made
bombs or pornography.
 -- Michael Goldsby
 -- Letter to Communications of the ACM, Nov 95
%%
:control-O: vi. "Stop talking."  From the character used on some
   operating systems to abort output but allow the program to keep on
   running.  Generally means that you are not interested in hearing
   anything more from that person, at least on that topic; a standard
   response to someone who is flaming.  Considered silly.  Compare
   {control-S}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:control-Q: vi. "Resume."  From the ASCII DC1 or {XON}
   character (the pronunciation /X-on/ is therefore also used), used
   to undo a previous {control-S}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:control-S: vi. "Stop talking for a second."  From the ASCII DC3
   or XOFF character (the pronunciation /X-of/ is therefore also
   used).  Control-S differs from {control-O} in that the person is
   asked to stop talking (perhaps because you are on the phone) but
   will be allowed to continue when you're ready to listen to him --
   as opposed to control-O, which has more of the meaning of
   "Shut up."  Considered silly.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CONTROVERSY, n.  A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the
injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.

    In controversy with the facile tongue --
    That bloodless warfare of the old and young --
    So seek your adversary to engage
    That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,
    And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,
    With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
    You ask me how this miracle is done?
    Adopt his own opinions, one by one,
    And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath
    He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
    Advance then gently all you wish to prove,
    Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've
    So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say,
    And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way,
    This view of it which, better far expressed,
    Runs through your argument."  Then leave the rest
    To him, secure that he'll perform his trust
    And prove your views intelligent and just.
                                                    Conmore Apel Brune
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Conventionality is not morality.  Self-righteousness is not religion.
 To attack the first is not to assail the last.
 -- Charlotte Bronte
%%
Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention,
largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves.
 -- Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness
%%
Conventional wisdom, isn't.
%%
Convention is the ruler of all.
%%
****  CONVENTION REMINDER

No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team.        If you notice
smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
%%
Conventions--my job away from job
%%
CONVENT, n.  A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to
meditate upon the vice of idleness.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Conversational Slumming:
 The self-conscious enjoyment of a given conversation precisely
for its lack of intellectual rigor. A major spin-off of Recreational
Slumming.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
"Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times
because they had nobody to talk about."
 -- Agnes Repplier
%%
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.
%%
Conversation is the best aphrodisiac.
 -- Kelly Cota ([e-mail])
%%
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.
%%
CONVERSATION, n.  A fair to the display of the minor mental
commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of
his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
%%
Conversation stoppers for a cocktail party: Half the people in this room
 are connected to organized crime. Me? I'm a concert accordionist. You may
 have heard me on TV the other night on the Dr. Ruth show. Oh, I play the
 electronic harmonica with the Philharmonic Orchastra. And then I was told
 that I might have had AIDS.
%%
Converse with any plankton lately?
%%
Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts
most subtly on the human will.
 -- Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway
%%
Convert your 386 or 486 into a Game Boy, run Windows 3.0!
%%
"Convey," the wise it call. "Steal!" foh! a fico for the phrase!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies
%%
Convictions cause convicts.
%%
Convict: No weapons?
Lister:  No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister:  So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end
      of the gun)
Lister:  (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that.
A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the shovel.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Justice'
%%
Convincing yourself doesn't win an argument.
 -- Robert Half
%%
:Conway's Law: prov. The rule that the organization of the software and
   the organization of the software team will be congruent; originally
   stated as "If you have four groups working on a compiler, you'll
   get a 4-pass compiler".

   Melvin Conway, an early proto-hacker who wrote an assembler for the
   Burroughs 220 called SAVE.  The name `SAVE' didn't stand for
   anything; it was just that you lost fewer card decks and listings
   because they all had SAVE written on them.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
 /'''
 c-OO
    \
   -
%%
:cookbook: [from amateur electronics and radio] n. A book of small
   code segments that the reader can use to do various {magic}
   things in programs.  One current example is the
   "{{PostScript}} Language Tutorial and Cookbook" by Adobe
   Systems, Inc (Addison-Wesley, ISBN 0-201-10179-3), also known as
   the {Blue Book} which has recipes for things like wrapping text
   around arbitrary curves and making 3D fonts.  Cookbooks, slavishly
   followed, can lead one into {voodoo programming}, but are useful
   for hackers trying to {monkey up} small programs in unknown
   languages.  This function is analogous to the role of phrasebooks
   in human languages.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cooked mode: [UNIX, by opposition with {raw mode}] n. The
   normal character-input mode, with interrupts enabled and with
   erase, kill and other special-character interpretations performed
   directly by the tty driver.  Oppose {raw mode}, {rare mode}.
   This term is techspeak under UNIX but jargon elsewhere; other
   operating systems often have similar mode distinctions, and the
   raw/rare/cooked way of describing them has spread widely along with
   the C language and other UNIX exports.  Most generally, `cooked
   mode' may refer to any mode of a system that does extensive
   preprocessing before presenting data to a program.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cookery is become an art, a noble science; cooks are gentlemen.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 2, Subsect. 2
%%
Cookie! Cookie! Lend me your crumb! ...
%%
:cookie file: n. A collection of {fortune cookie}s in a format
   that facilitates retrieval by a fortune program.  There are several
   different cookie files in public distribution, and site admins
   often assemble their own from various sources including this
   lexicon.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cookie jar: n. An area of memory set aside for storing {cookie}s.
   Most commonly heard in the Atari ST community; many useful ST
   programs record their presence by storing a distinctive {magic
   number} in the jar.  Programs can inquire after the presence or
   otherwise of other programs by searching the contents of the jar.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cookie making is finger painting for adults.
%%
:cookie monster: [from the children's TV program "Sesame
   Street"] n. Any of a family of early (1970s) hacks reported on
   {{TOPS-10}}, {{ITS}}, {{Multics}}, and elsewhere that would lock
   up either the victim's terminal (on a time-sharing machine) or the
   {{console}} (on a batch {mainframe}), repeatedly demanding "I
   WANT A COOKIE".  The required responses ranged in complexity from
   "COOKIE" through "HAVE A COOKIE" and upward.  See also
   {wabbit}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cookie: n. A handle, transaction ID, or other token of agreement
   between cooperating programs.  "I give him a packet, he gives me
   back a cookie."  The claim check you get from a dry-cleaning shop
   is a perfect mundane example of a cookie; the only thing it's
   useful for is to relate a later transaction to this one (so you get
   the same clothes back).  Compare {magic cookie}; see also
   {fortune cookie}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Cooking is like love.  It should be entered into with abandon or not at all."
 -- Harriet Van Home
%%
Cooking lesson #1, don't fry bacon in the nude!
%%
Cooking Spaghetti: Al Dente
%%
Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
 -- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
Cook It And They Will Come.
%%
COOKS do it with grease and a lot of heat
%%
Cooks do it with oil, sugar and salt.
%%
Cooks? what we need are engineers
%%
Cool Dude!
%%
Cool... I broke his brain...
%%
Coolidge is dead
How could they tell?
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
Cool tag line still under development. Tech support doesn't know when it
will be done, but says the beta version is great. Programmers guess it
will be ready sometime next quarter. Marketing announced it will ship next
month!
%%
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE!- Cookie Monster
%%
Coop'd in their winged, sea-girt citadel.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 28
%%
Cooperate with those who have both know-how and bail money.
%%
Cooper:  Sure fire cure for a hangover, Harry.  You take a glass of nearly
         frozen unstrained tomato juice.  You plop a couple of oysters in
         there.  You drink it down.  Breathe deeply.  Next you take a mound,
         and I mean a mound of sweetbreads.  Sautee it in some chestnuts and
         Canadian Bacon.  Finally, biscuits, big biscuits, smothered in gravy.
         Now here's where it gets tricky.  You're gonna need some anchovies.
Harry:   Excuse me. [and rushes to the bathroom]
Cooper:  That should do it.
 -- Agent Dale Cooper & Sheriff Harry S. Truman
%%
Copier repairmen do it with duplicity.
%%
:copious free time: [Apple; orig. fr. the intro to Tom Lehrer's
   song "It Makes A Fellow Proud To Be A Soldier"] n. 1. [used
   ironically to indicate the speaker's lack of the quantity in
   question] A mythical schedule slot for accomplishing tasks held to
   be unlikely or impossible.  Sometimes used to indicate that the
   speaker is interested in accomplishing the task, but believes that
   the opportunity will not arise.  "I'll implement the automatic
   layout stuff in my copious free time."  2. [Archly] Time reserved
   for bogus or otherwise idiotic tasks, such as implementation of
   {chrome}, or the stroking of {suit}s.  "I'll get back to him
   on that feature in my copious free time."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:copper: n. Conventional electron-carrying network cable with a
   core conductor of copper -- or aluminum!  Opposed to {light
   pipe} or, say, a short-range microwave link.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Copper nitrate- What policemen get paid for working in the evenings.
%%
...cops and reporters are much alike. Both are absolutely dedicated to
doing the job at hand, regardless of obstacles. And both, deep down, really
believe the rules don't apply to them.
 -- Jim Barlow, Houston Chronicle
%%
Cops do it arrestingly.
%%
COPS do it at gun-point.
%%
Cops do it by the book.
%%
Cops do it with cuffs.
%%
Cops do it with electric rods.
%%
Cops do it with nightsticks.
%%
Cops have bigger guns.
%%
Copulation: (n) sex between two consenting police.
%%
COPY *.BAT C:\BELFRY
%%
:copybroke: /kop'ee-brohk/ adj. 1. [play on `copyright'] Used
   to describe an instance of a copy-protected program that has been
   `broken'; that is, a copy with the copy-protection scheme
   disabled.  Syn.  {copywronged}.  2. Copy-protected software
   which is unusable because of some bit-rot or bug that has confused
   the anti-piracy check.  See also {copy protection}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Copy editors do it with style.
%%
Copyleft
%%
:copyleft: /kop'ee-left/ [play on `copyright'] n. 1. The
   copyright notice (`General Public License') carried by {GNU}
   {EMACS} and other Free Software Foundation software, granting reuse
   and reproduction rights to all comers (but see also {General
   Public Virus}).  2. By extension, any copyright notice intended to
   achieve similar aims.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Copy org.asm+waitand.c+donot.pas loony.bin
%%
Copy protection:  just say no...
%%
:copy protection: n. A class of methods for preventing incompetent
   pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using
   it.  Considered silly.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Copyright (c) 1993 All rights reserved..
%%
Copyright (c) 1993 Knights of Christianity United in Faith.
%%
Copyright (c) The Intergalactic Thought Association
%%
Copyrighter's are on this Echo *WARNING* (I am not 1)!!
%%
Copy *.txt > brain
%%
COPY UNIVERSE::[GALAXY]EARTH.SOL HOLE::[BLACK]
%%
:copywronged: /kop'ee-rongd/ [play on `copyright'] adj. Syn. for
   {copybroke}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Corazon says:  If the Shoe Fits, Eat it.
%%
Cordless phones are great. If you can find them.
 -- Glenn Foster
%%
Corduroy Pillows:  Pillows that are making Headlines...
%%
:core cancer: n. A process that exhibits a slow but inexorable
   resource {leak} -- like a cancer, it kills by crowding out
   productive `tissue'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Core dumped.
%%
:core dump: n. [common {Iron Age} jargon, preserved by UNIX]
   1. [techspeak] A copy of the contents of {core}, produced when a
   process is aborted by certain kinds of internal error.  2. By
   extension, used for humans passing out, vomiting, or registering
   extreme shock.  "He dumped core.  All over the floor.  What a
   mess."  "He heard about X and dumped core."  3. Occasionally
   used for a human rambling on pointlessly at great length; esp. in
   apology: "Sorry, I dumped core on you".  4. A recapitulation of
   knowledge (compare {bits}, sense 1).  Hence, spewing all one
   knows about a topic (syn. {brain dump}), esp. in a lecture or
   answer to an exam question.  "Short, concise answers are better
   than core dumps" (from the instructions to an exam at Columbia).
   See {core}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Core error -- bus dumped.
%%
Core meltdown - message aborted.
%%
Core Memory:  A Marine's nostalgia.
%%
:core: n. Main storage or RAM.  Dates from the days of
   ferrite-core memory; now archaic as techspeak most places outside
   IBM, but also still used in the UNIX community and by old-time
   hackers or those who would sound like them.  Some derived idioms
   are quite current; `in core', for example, means `in memory'
   (as opposed to `on disk'), and both {core dump} and the `core
   image' or `core file' produced by one are terms in favor.  Some
   varieties of Commonwealth hackish prefer {store}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Core storage:
A receptacle for the center section of apples.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
:Core Wars: n. A game between `assembler' programs in a
   simulated machine, where the objective is to kill your opponent's
   program by overwriting it.  Popularized by A. K. Dewdney's column
   in "Scientific American" magazine, this was actually devised
   by Victor Vyssotsky, Robert Morris Sr., and Dennis Ritchie in the
   early 1960s (their original game was called `Darwin' and ran on a
   PDP-1 at Bell Labs).  See {core}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:corge: /korj/ [originally, the name of a cat] n. Yet another
   {metasyntactic variable}, invented by Mike Gallaher and propagated
   by the {GOSMACS} documentation.  See {grault}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Corkscrew:  The best thing with which to open a conversation...
%%
Cornelia. What flowers are these?
Gazetta. The pansy this.
Cor. Oh, that 's for lovers' thoughts.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- All Fools, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Corn Flakes for breakfast?  That's disgusting, man!
%%
cornice: snow waiting for a climber to step on it before becoming an avalanche.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Corn is the sinews of war.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. xlvi
%%
Corn oil is from corn, whale oil is from whales, baby oil... Naaa...
%%
Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Coroner, his last words were "I made a mistake. So shoot me."
%%
CORPORAL, n.  A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military
ladder.

    Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,
    Our corporal heroically fell!
    Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl
    And said:  "He hadn't very far to fall."
                                                         Giacomo Smith
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Corporal punishment is boy punishment
%%
Corporate planning
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without
 individual responsibility.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Corpral... get me the casette of Spaceballs: The Movie.
%%
Correcting one's own mistakes is a life time job.
%%
Correct in Thought, Statement, or Action....TRUE!!
%%
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and
 madness gotten finer?
 -- George Price
%%
Correct me if I'm wrong ... everybody else does.
%%
CORRECT WITH AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE
wrong
 -- Research definitions
%%
Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%%
Corrupt Data - a copy of Mac Playmate.
%%
Corrupted freemen are the worst of slaves.
 -- David Garrick (1716-1779)
 -- Prologue to the Gamesters
%%
Corruption empowers, and absolute corruption empowers absolutely.
%%
Corruption in brain....mark for deletion?
%%
Corruption is not the No.1 priority of the Police
Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.-
 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
%%
Corruption. The most infallible symptom of liberty.
%%
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
make of capitalism.
 -- Walter Lippmann
%%
CORSAIR, n.  A politician of the seas.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
COS: Copy Object code to Source file
%%
Cosmetics:  A womans' means to keep a man from reading between lines...
%%
Cosmetology: Rosie Cheeks.
%%
Cosmic Soda-pop.
%%
Cosmogonists do it in cyclical big bangs.
%%
Cosmus, Duke of Florence, was wont to say of perfidious friends, that
"We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read
that we ought to forgive our friends."
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Apothegms, No, 206
%%
Cos. Pray now, what may be that same bed of honour?
Kite. Oh, a mighty large bed! bigger by half than the great bed at
Ware: ten thousand people may lie in it together, and never feel one
another.
 -- George Farquhar (1678-1707)
 -- The Recruiting Officer, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically incompatible.
 -- Richard F. Moore
%%
Cos there's nothing strange about an axe with bloodstains in a barn,
 there's always some killing you've gotta do around the farm.
 -- Tom Waits
%%
Cost modelling
 a means of convincing the customer to pay for
 whomever you need to keep employed this year
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Costrophobia: The fear of high prices.
%%
COTHAM ROAD, KEW: Outbound traffic restricted to tram tracks from Uvadale
Grove to Florence Avenue until about January 2007.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston Pie.
%%
CottonBalls: Advanced stage of Beernuts disease.
%%
Couch Potato
%%
Couch potatoes have brain tubers.
%%
:cough and die: v. Syn. {barf}.  Connotes that the program is
   throwing its hands up by design rather than because of a bug or
   oversight.  "The parser saw a control-A in its input where it was
   looking for a printable, so it coughed and died."  Compare
   {die}, {die horribly}, {scream and die}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Could anyone pass the sodium chloride, please?
 -- Adric, FOUR TO DOOMSDAY
%%
"Could be worse." - Leia Organa
 -- ...understanding Positivism...
%%
Could be you're crossing the fine line
A silly driver kind of...off the wall
You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
...eyes wide open when you start to fall.
 -- The Cars
%%
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
%%
Could I come near your beauty with my nails,
I 'd set my ten commandments in your face.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Could I have a drug overdose?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Could I have optimized [this script] for legibility? Yes, but then
I would have had to use more slides.
%%
Could I interest you in a pet rock?
%%
Could it be.......... SATAN  ?
%%
Couldn't get a ticket, it was a sold out show.
 -- American Pop
%%
Couldn't myself have better it said.
%%
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery.
 -- Common in Australia
%%
Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
%%
Could swell the soul to rage, or kindle soft desire.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Alexander's Feast, Line 160
%%
Could we forbear dispute and practise love,
We should agree as angels do above.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- Divine Love, Canto iii
%%
"Could ye use a little water in your whiskey?"
  "When ay drink whiskey, ay drink whiskey, an' when ay drink water, ay
   drink water."
 -- Maureen O'Sullivan and Barry Fitzgerald in THE QUIET MAN, begorra.
%%
Could you both just send hate mail a few times a day and post the synopsis
 in the year 2000?
 -- Wm E Davidsen Jr, [e-mail], to a couple guys
in news.groups
%%
Could you kill a vampire with a sunlamp?
%%
Could you please be a bit less specific?
%%
Could you please continue with the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.
 -- Data, "Haven", stardate 41294.5
%%
Could you please speak up?  I'm a little hard of herring.
%%
Council for the defence was prepared to prove:  1) He shot in self defence,
2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles
away when it happened.
%%
Counselor Troi is pregnant.
A baby! This IS a surprise.
Especially to me.
 -- Picard, Riker, Troi, "The Child", stardate 42073.1
%%
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
%%
Counter:
An area over which martini's are served.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
counterpart - subassemblies or pieces of an article of kitchen furniture
%%
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your
 thumbs. Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all
 thumbs.
%%
Country and Rap are to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%%
Country life is very good; in fact, the best - for cattle.
%%
Country services: We Also Walk Hogs.
%%
"Country Travel" by Dusty Rhodes
%%
Counts his sure gains, and hurries back for more.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The West Indies, Part iii
%%
Count Spatula's a food sucking vampire.
%%
Count the day won when, turning on its axis, this earth imposes no
additional taxes.
 -- Franklin P. Adams
%%
Coup de grace -- French for lawnmower?
%%
Couples without children always know just how you should raise yours.
%%
Courage atrophies from lack of use.
%%
Courage conquers all things.
 -- Ovid
%%
Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing
it, and conquering it.
 -- Richter
%%
Courage.
 -- Dan Rather
%%
Courage is a quality so necessary for maintaining virtue that is
always respected, even when it is associated with vice.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
 -- Dan Rather
%%
Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.
 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%%
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
%%
Courage is grace under pressure.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something
else is more important than fear.
 -- Ambrose Redmoon
%%
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be
courageous. (He is also a fool.)
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.
%%
Courage is the ladder on which all other virtues mount.
 -- Clare Booth Luce
%%
Courage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the
 face of great odds.  Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey
 Mouse hat.
%%
Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village.
 -- Leonard Louis Levinson
%%
Courage is your greatest present fault.
%%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%%
Courage of the heart is very rare. The stone has power when it's there.
%%
Courage:  Two cannibals having oral sex.
%%
Courage without conscience is a wild beast.
 -- Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899)
%%
Courses even with the sun
Doth her mighty brother run.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- The Gipsies Metamorphosed
%%
Courses of action which run only to be justified in terms of practicality
ultimately prove destructive and impractical.
 -- Mark B. Cohen
%%
Courteous Postal Workers:
 A. Always have stamps on hand.
 B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
 C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
%%
COURT FOOL, n.  The plaintiff.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Court, n.:
    A place where they dispense with justice.
 -- Arthur Train
%%
Court Reporters do it on a trial basis.
%%
Courtship consists in a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as
to alarm, nor so vague as not to be understood.
 -- Laurence Sterne
%%
"Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play."
 -- William Congreve, "The Portable Curmudgeon"
%%
Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman?
    Hell no!
 -- Hunter S. Thompson, on the US war against Iraq
%%
Covered Walkways: R. Kade
%%
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
 -- Bumper sticker
%%
Covert U.S. operations in Central America
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Cover your stump before you hump.
%%
Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
 -- 11th commandment
%%
Cowa Bunga, Dude....
%%
Cowabunga    I'll take the Marshmallow pizza
%%
Coward: A man in whom the instinct of self-preservation acts normally.
 -- Sultana Zoraya
%%
"Cowardly little runt.  When I get a hold of you I'm going to gut you like a
fish and drink your blood."
"I'm gonna rip out your heart and drink your blood!"
 -- Moe, the Bartender, in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons
%%
Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Cowards [may] fear to die; but courage stout,
Rather than live in snuff, will be put out.
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- On the snuff of a candle the night before he died,
 -- Raleigh's Remains, p. 258, ed, 1661
%%
Cowards take hostages. Klingons do not.
 -- Worf to Yar, "Heart of Glory", stardate 41503.7
%%
Cowboys do it on a horse.
%%
Cowboys handle anything horny.
%%
:cowboy: [Sun, from William Gibson's {cyberpunk} SF] n. Synonym
   for {hacker}.  It is reported that at Sun this word is often
   said with reverence.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cowgirls like to ride bareback.
%%
Cow le' Pow
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Cows are vegetarians, let us eat some beef.
%%
Cow's breath attracts mosquitoes and tsetse flies!
%%
Cows do it in leather.
%%
Cows in orbit - the herd shot round the world...
%%
Cows may come and cows may go, but the bull in this place goes on FOREVER!!!
%%
Cow tag: This tag line is udderly ridiculous.
%%
COWYHU: Come Out With Your Hands Up
%%
Cox's Philosophy:
 Life's a bitch, then you die.
%%
CPAV Warning:(S)top (C)ontinue (B)urn infected disk
%%
CPB: Create Program Bug
%%
CP: Compliment Programmer
%%
C:\pet C:\pet\cat C:\cat\ignore\human.
%%
CP%FKM  CPU - Flakeout mode
%%
Cpl. Paterson is a COWARD!
%%
:CP/M:: /C-P-M/ n. [Control Program for Microcomputers] An early
   microcomputer {OS} written by hacker Gary Kildall for 8080- and
   Z80-based machines, very popular in the late 1970s but virtually
   wiped out by MS-DOS after the release of the IBM PC in 1981.
   Legend has it that Kildall's company blew its chance to write the
   OS for the IBM PC because Kildall decided to spend a day IBM's reps
   wanted to meet with him enjoying the perfect flying weather in his
   private plane.  Many of CP/M's features and conventions strongly
   resemble those of early {DEC} operating systems such as
   {{TOPS-10}}, OS/8, RSTS, and RSX-11.  See {{MS-DOS}},
   {operating system}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CP/M: Program listing for 'Look in the evening section'.
%%
CP/M users can't remember when they did it last.
%%
CPN: Call Programmer Names
%%
CPPR: Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
%%
CPR     Compliment PRogrammer('Aren't you cute!')
%%
C++ Programmers are proud of their Private Parts.
%%
C programmers continue it.
%%
:C Programmer's Disease: n. The tendency of the undisciplined C
   programmer to set arbitrary but supposedly generous static limits
   on table sizes (defined, if you're lucky, by constants in header
   files) rather than taking the trouble to do proper dynamic storage
   allocation.  If an application user later needs to put 68 elements
   into a table of size 50, the afflicted programmer reasons that he
   or she can easily reset the table size to 68 (or even as much as
   70, to allow for future expansion) and recompile.  This gives the
   programmer the comfortable feeling of having made the effort to
   satisfy the user's (unreasonable) demands, and often affords the
   user multiple opportunities to explore the marvelous consequences
   of {fandango on core}.  In severe cases of the disease, the
   programmer cannot comprehend why each fix of this kind seems only
   to further disgruntle the user.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
C programmers do it in a structured manner.
%%
C++ programmers do it with class.
%%
C Programmers do it with models!
%%
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
%%
C++ PROGRAMMERS do it with their friends, in private
%%
C Programmers do it with the LARGE model!
%%
C programmers don't have the BASIC instincts.
%%
C++ programmers earns money by inheritence.
%%
C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.
%%
C PROGRAMMERS SWITCH often
%%
C program run. C program crash. C programmer cry.
%%
C program run. C program crash. C programmer drink.
%%
C program run. C program crash. C programmer get drunk.
%%
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
%%
C:\PROGRAM\RUN RUN\PROGRAM\RUN AWWW\COMEON\PROGRAM\RUN!
%%
C provides the infinitely-abusable GOTO statement, and labels to
branch to. Formally, the GOTO is never necessary, and in practice it
is almost always easy to write code without it.
 -- Kernighan & Ritchie, The C Programming Language
%%
CPU1: How many humans does it take to multiply 123456789 by
3.14159265382 ?
CPU2: Can they use their toes?
%%
Cpu: C3po's mother.
%%
CPU not connected to the bus.
%%
CPU Pickup Line: (p(, (What's your MHZ?)
%%
CPU - Random number generator
%%
CPU tired.
 -- Yawn error #30
%%
:CPU Wars: /C-P-U worz/ n. A 1979 large-format comic by Chas
   Andres chronicling the attempts of the brainwashed androids of IPM
   (Impossible to Program Machines) to conquer and destroy the
   peaceful denizens of HEC (Human Engineered Computers).  This rather
   transparent allegory featured many references to {ADVENT} and
   the immortal line "Eat flaming death, minicomputer mongrels!"
   (uttered, of course, by an IPM stormtrooper).  It is alleged that
   the author subsequently received a letter of appreciation on IBM
   company stationery from the head of IBM's Thomas J. Watson Research
   Laboratories (then, as now, one of the few islands of true
   hackerdom in the IBM archipelago).  The lower loop of the B in the
   IBM logo, it is said, had been carefully whited out.  See {eat
   flaming death}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CP%WM   CPU - Weird Mode
%%
CQ What?... Please type whatever the hell it was you where trying to type
again!
%%
Crab apples may not be the best kind of fruit; but a tree which every year
bears a great crop of crab apples is better worth cultivating than a tree
which bears nothing.
%%
Crabbed age and youth
Cannot live together.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- The Passionate Pilgrim, viii
%%
Crack baby crack, show me you're real...
%%
Crackdown: Lauren Order
%%
'Crack' gets it name because it crackles when you smoke it.
%%
... cracking his way in the universe ...
%%
:cracking: n. The act of breaking into a computer system; what a
   {cracker} does.  Contrary to widespread myth, this does not
   usually involve some mysterious leap of hackerly brilliance, but
   rather persistence and the dogged repetition of a handful of fairly
   well-known tricks that exploit common weaknesses in the security of
   target systems.  Accordingly, most crackers are only mediocre
   hackers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cracking toast, Gromit!
%%
:crack root: v. To defeat the security system of a UNIX machine and
   gain {root} privileges thereby; see {cracking}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Craft, n.  A fool's substitute for brains.
%%
Crane operators have swinging balls.
%%
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter.  (Really dense.)
%%
Cranial Input Error: Line Status Register 02
%%
Cranial Rectalitis - the disease of being a butthead!
%%
Cranio-rectally inverted.
%%
Crank - a man with a new idea until it succeeds.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
:crank: [from automotive slang] vt. Verb used to describe the
   performance of a machine, especially sustained performance.  "This
   box cranks (or, cranks at) about 6 megaflops, with a burst mode
   of twice that on vectorized operations."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Crankiness....for me it's just as natural as morning
%%
:CrApTeX: /krap'tekh/ [University of York, England] n. Term of
   abuse used to describe TeX and LaTeX when they don't work (when
   used by TeXhackers), or all the time (by everyone else).  The
   non-TeX enthusiasts generally dislike it because it is more verbose
   than other formatters (e.g. {{troff}}) and because (particularly
   if the standard Computer Modern fonts are used) it generates vast
   output files.  See {religious issues}, {{TeX}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:crash: 1. n. A sudden, usually drastic failure.  Most often said
   of the {system} (q.v., sense 1), esp. of magnetic disk drives
   (the term originally described what happened when the air gap of a
   hard disk collapses).  "Three {luser}s lost their files in last
   night's disk crash."  A disk crash that involves the read/write
   heads dropping onto the surface of the disks and scraping off the
   oxide may also be referred to as a `head crash', whereas the term
   `system crash' usually, though not always, implies that the
   operating system or other software was at fault.  2. v. To fail
   suddenly.  "Has the system just crashed?"  "Something crashed
   the OS!" See {down}.  Also used transitively to indicate the
   cause of the crash (usually a person or a program, or both).
   "Those idiots playing {SPACEWAR} crashed the system." 3. vi.
   Sometimes said of people hitting the sack after a long {hacking
   run}; see {gronk out}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:crash and burn: vi.,n. A spectacular crash, in the mode of the
   conclusion of the car-chase scene in the movie "Bullitt" and
   many subsequent imitators (compare {die horribly}).  Sun-3
   monitors losing the flyback transformer and lightning strikes on
   VAX-11/780 backplanes are notable crash and burn generators.  The
   construction `crash-and-burn machine' is reported for a computer
   used exclusively for alpha or {beta} testing, or reproducing
   bugs (i.e., not for development).  The implication is that it
   wouldn't be such a disaster if that machine crashed, since only the
   testers would be inconvenienced.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CRASH: Continue Running After Stop or Halt
%%
Crash Course In Brain Surgery
%%
CRASH: Normal termination.
%%
Crash! P)anic, S)uicide, K)ill bystanders?
%%
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women
pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
 -- Wernher von Braun
%%
Crash:
What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Crawfish, Cajuns and beer. Heaven!
%%
:crawling horror: n. Ancient crufty hardware or software that is
   kept obstinately alive by forces beyond the control of the hackers
   at a site.  Like {dusty deck} or {gonkulator}, but connotes
   that the thing described is not just an irritation but an active
   menace to health and sanity.  "Mostly we code new stuff in C, but
   they pay us to maintain one big FORTRAN II application from
   nineteen-sixty-X that's a real crawling horror...."  Compare
   {WOMBAT}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CRAYFISH, n.  A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but
less indigestible.

        In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably
    figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only
    backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the
    perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to
    avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend
    their nature afterward.
                                                    Sir James Merivale
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:cray instability: n. A shortcoming of a program or algorithm that
   manifests itself only when a large problem is being run on a
   powerful machine (see {cray}).  Generally more subtle than bugs
   that can be detected in smaller problems running on a workstation
   or mini.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cray: /kray/ n. 1. (properly, capitalized) One of the line of
   supercomputers designed by Cray Research.  2. Any supercomputer at
   all.  3. The {canonical} {number-crunching} machine.

   The term is actually the lowercased last name of Seymour Cray, a
   noted computer architect and co-founder of the company.  Numerous
   vivid legends surround him, some true and some admittedly invented
   by Cray Research brass to shape their corporate culture and image.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:crayola books: n. The {rainbow series} of National Computer
   Security Center (NCSC) computer security standards (see {Orange
   Book}).  Usage: humorous and/or disparaging.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:crayola: /kray-oh'l*/ n. A super-mini or -micro computer that
   provides some reasonable percentage of supercomputer performance
   for an unreasonably low price.  Might also be a {killer micro}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Crayola presents a new color! TARDIS BLUE!!!
%%
:crayon: n. 1. Someone who works on Cray supercomputers.  More
   specifically, it implies a programmer, probably of the CDC ilk,
   probably male, and almost certainly wearing a tie (irrespective of
   gender).  Systems types who have a UNIX background tend not to be
   described as crayons.  2. A {computron} (sense 2) that
   participates only in {number-crunching}.  3. A unit of
   computational power equal to that of a single Cray-1.  There is a
   standard joke about this usage that derives from an old Crayola
   crayon promotional gimmick: When you buy 64 crayons you get a free
   sharpener.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%%
Crazy=elevator#:DO:elevator#+1:UNTIL almost#=top#-1:LOOP.
%%
Crazy, I'm going' Craaaz
%%
Crazy Monkey Love...
%%
Crazy way to travel.  Spreading a man's molecules all over the universe.
 -- McCoy, "Obsession," 3620.7.
%%
CRB: CRash and Burn
%%
CRD: Confirm Rumor by Denial
%%
 Creamed asparagus!  BEEP
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
Cream rises to the top...so do dead fish.
%%
Created by Female Gynecologists who knew what they were doing.
%%
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
 -- Peter's Rule for Creative Incompetence
%%
Create your own reality: Be a Conservative!
%%
Create your own reality: Be a Liberal!
%%
Creationism: Listening to reason with fingers in ears.
%%
:creationism: n. The (false) belief that large, innovative software
   designs can be completely specified in advance and then painlessly
   magicked out of the void by the normal efforts of a team of
   normally talented programmers.  In fact, experience has shown
   repeatedly that good designs arise only from evolutionary,
   exploratory interaction between one (or at most a small handful of)
   exceptionally able designer(s) and an active user population --
   and that the first try at a big new idea is always wrong.
   Unfortunately, because these truths don't fit the planning models
   beloved of {management}, they are generally ignored.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false,
and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What
could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious
commodity in our entire intellectually heritage -- good teaching -- than
a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by
granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but
calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an
enterprise?
 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186
%%
Creation sleeps! 'T is as the general pulse
Of life stood still, and Nature made a pause,--
An awful pause! prophetic of her end.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Night Thoughts, Night i, Line 23
%%
Creative clutter is better than idle neatness..
%%
Creative intelligence in its various forms and activities
is what makes man.
 -- James Harvey Robinson
%%
Creative marketing:  15 doughnut shops next to 4 weight loss clinics...
%%
Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.
 -- Anna Freud
%%
Creative people all come in and want their stuff printed on gold leaf.
 -- Jim Shooter
%%
Creative thinking should be viewed as an essential supplement to,
though not a replacement for, critical thinking.
 -- Lloyd P. Provost & R. M. Sprout, Quality Progress [August 1996]
%%
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.  Art is knowing
which ones to keep.
 -- Scott Adams
%%
Creativity is a Spark of Life!
%%
Creativity is essentially a lonely art.  An even lonelier struggle.  To
some a blessing.  To others a curse.  It is in reality the ability to reach
inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.
 -- Lou Dorfsman
%%
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
%%
Creativity is the art of taking a fresh look at old knowledge.
%%
Creativity is the pinnacle of intelligence.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
Creativity is the power to connect the seemingly unconnected.
 -- William Plomer
%%
Creativity is the recombination of the elements of life.
%%
Creativity - Not referencing your sources.
%%
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks
involved with the broth.
 -- Fitz-Gibbon's Law
%%
CREATIVITY ZONE: NO boredom.  Violaters will be toad.
%%
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Creatures kissing in the rain
 Shapeless in the dark again
 In the hanging garden change the past
 In the hanging garden wearing furs and masks
 -- The Cure "The Hanging Garden"
%%
Credentials are not the same thing as accomplishments.
 -- Robert Half
%%
Credit card owner -- Member of the debt set.
%%
Credit is the root of all money.
 -- Jonny Von Z.
%%
Credit managers always collect.
%%
CREDITOR, n.  One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial
Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Creditors have better memories than debtors; and creditors are a
superstitious sect, great observers of set days and times.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
"Credo, quia absurdum est."  [I believe, because it is absurd.]
 -- Tertullian (180?-230?), Roman lawyer, theologian and misogynist;
 -- man of questionable judgement
%%
Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.
 -- Charles Lamb
%%
:creeping elegance: n. Describes a tendency for parts of a design
   to become {elegant} past the point of diminishing return,
   something which often happens at the expense of the less
   interesting parts of the design, the schedule, and other things
   deemed important in the {Real World}.  See also {creeping
   featurism}, {second-system effect}, {tense}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:creeping featurism: /kree'ping fee'chr-izm/ n. 1. Describes a
   systematic tendency to load more {chrome} and {feature}s onto
   systems at the expense of whatever elegance they may have possessed
   when originally designed.  See also {feeping creaturism}.  "You
   know, the main problem with {BSD} UNIX has always been creeping
   featurism."  2. More generally, the tendency for anything
   complicated to become even more complicated because people keep
   saying "Gee, it would be even better if it had this feature too".
   (See {feature}.)  The result is usually a patchwork because it
   grew one ad-hoc step at a time, rather than being planned.
   Planning is a lot of work, but it's easy to add just one extra
   little feature to help someone ... and then another ... and
   another.... When creeping featurism gets out of hand, it's
   like a cancer.  Usually this term is used to describe computer
   programs, but it could also be said of the federal government, the
   IRS 1040 form, and new cars.  A similar phenomenon sometimes
   afflicts conscious redesigns; see {second-system effect}.  See
   also {creeping elegance}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:creeping featuritis: /kree'ping fee'-chr-i:`t*s/ n. Variant of
   {creeping featurism}, with its own spoonerization: `feeping
   creaturitis'.  Some people like to reserve this form for the
   disease as it actually manifests in software or hardware, as
   opposed to the lurking general tendency in designers' minds.
   (After all, -ism means `condition' or `pursuit of', whereas
 -- itis usually means `inflammation of'.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:creep: v. To advance, grow, or multiply inexorably.  In hackish usage
   this verb has overtones of menace and silliness, evoking the
   creeping horrors of low-budget monster movies.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cremation Place: You Bang 'Em, We Flame 'Em!
%%
CREMONA, n.  A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Creole Kitty Kill
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
:cretin: /kret'in/ or /kree'tn/ n. Congenital {loser}; an obnoxious
   person; someone who can't do anything right.  It has been observed
   that many American hackers tend to favor the British pronunciation
   /kret'in/ over standard American /kree'tn/; it is thought this may
   be due to the insidious phonetic influence of Monty Python's Flying
   Circus.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cretinous: /kret'n-*s/ or /kreet'n-*s/ adj. Wrong; stupid;
   non-functional; very poorly designed.  Also used pejoratively of
   people.  See {dread high-bit disease} for an example.
   Approximate synonyms: {bletcherous}, {bagbiting} {losing},
   {brain-damaged}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Crewman Green, step on that rock  <BOOM>
%%
Crew member is called by 1st name - drink!
%%
Crew member is called by 1st name during sexual tension - 2 drinks!
%%
Crickets hear through their knees.
%%
Crikey, I'm looking forward to today. Up-tiddly-up-up, down-diddly-
  down-down, whoops-poop-twiddly dee, a decent scrap with the
  fiendish Red Baron, a bit of a jolly old crash landing behind
  enemy lines, capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time
  for tea and medals!
...George, who's using the family brain cell at the moment?
 -- George and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
%%
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
 -- Alfred E. Newman
%%
Crime does not pay, which places it in approximately the same wage catagory
 as virtue.
%%
Crime doesn't pay, but at least you're your own boss
%%
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
%%
Crime frequently starts in the Mayors Office...
%%
Crime frequently starts with liberal Democrats.
%%
Crime is merely politics without the excuses.
%%
Crime is slowing in the Washington D.C. area. They are running out of
 victims.
%%
Crime must pay, or politicians wouldn't seek re-election.
%%
CRIME STOPPERS:  WANTED
James Wanton, 17 years old, 175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making
his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his
bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally
treating the place like a hotel.  If you know his whereabouts, you may
be eligible for a reward of up to $1000 while remaining anonymous. Ring
Crime Stoppers on 865-5000.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Crime wouldn't pay if it was operated by the government!
%%
"Criminal Lawyer" is an oxymoron.
%%
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
%%
Criminal lawyer.  Isn't that redundant?
%%
Criminal: One who gets caught.
%%
Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot.
%%
Criminals love gun control. It makes their job easier.
%%
Cripes, Saddam, I thought you said SHORT oil!
%%
:crippleware: n. 1. Software that has some important functionality
   deliberately removed, so as to entice potential users to pay for a
   working version.  2. [Cambridge] {Guiltware} that exhorts you to
   donate to some charity (compare {careware}, {nagware}).
   3. Hardware deliberately crippled, which can be upgraded to a more
   expensive model by a trivial change (e.g., cutting a jumper).

   An excellent example of crippleware (sense 3) is Intel's 486SX
   chip, which is a standard 486DX chip with the co-processor dyked
   out (in some early versions it was present but disabled).  To
   upgrade, you buy a complete 486DX chip with *working*
   co-processor (its identity thinly veiled by a different pinout) and
   plug it into the board's expansion socket.  It then disables the
   SX, which becomes a fancy power sink.  Don't you love Intel?
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CRIPPLEWARE:  Paya da fee, or wes breaka ya legs!
%%
Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.
%%
Crispy outside, tender inside.
%%
Critical error: (S)hout, (S)mash, (B)uy a mac.
%%
:critical mass: n. In physics, the minimum amount of fissionable
   material required to sustain a chain reaction.  Of a software
   product, describes a condition of the software such that fixing one
   bug introduces one plus {epsilon} bugs.  (This malady has many
   causes: {creeping featurism}, ports to too many disparate
   environments, poor initial design, etc.)  When software achieves
   critical mass, it can never be fixed; it can only be discarded and
   rewritten.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
%%
Criticism is like champagne, nothing more execrable if bad, nothing more
excellent if good; if meager, muddy vapid, and sour, both are fit only to
engender colic and wind; but if rich, generous and sparkling, they improve the
taste, expand the heart, and are worthy of being introduced at the symposium
of the gods.
 -- Colton
%%
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Criticism strips the tree of both caterpillars and blossoms.
%%
Criticize feminism in law journals, risk label of anti-woman.
%%
Criticizing lawyers for lawsuits is like criticizing linebackers for
knocking people down.
 -- Dale Dauten, Newspaper columnist
%%
CRITIC, n.  A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody
tries to please him.

    There is a land of pure delight,
        Beyond the Jordan's flood,
    Where saints, apparelled all in white,
        Fling back the critic's mud.

    And as he legs it through the skies,
        His pelt a sable hue,
    He sorrows sore to recognize
        The missiles that he threw.
                                                            Orrin Goof
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Critics are a kind of freebooters in the republic of letters, who, like deer,
goats, and divers other gramniverous animals, gain subsistence by gorging
upon buds and leaves of the young shrubs of the forest, thereby robbing them
of their verdue, and retarding their progress to maturity.
 -- Washington Irving
%%
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done,
they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves."
 -- Brendan Behan
%%
Critics of utopia unite.  You have nothing to lose but illusions.
 -- E.J. Dionne
%%
Critics quarrel with other critics. With an artist, no sane man quarrels.
 -- George Santayana
%%
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
 -- Socrates' last words
%%
:crlf: /ker'l*f/, sometimes /kru'l*f/ or /C-R-L-F/ n. (often
   capitalized as `CRLF') A carriage return (CR, ASCII 0001101)
   followed by a line feed (LF, ASCII 0001010).  More loosely,
   whatever it takes to get you from the end of one line of text to
   the beginning of the next line.  See {newline}, {terpri}.
   Under {{UNIX}} influence this usage has become less common (UNIX
   uses a bare line feed as its `CRLF').
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CRM: Clear Random Memory
%%
CRM: CReate Memory
%%
CRN: Compare with Random Number
%%
CRN: Convert to Roman Numerals
%%
:crock: [from the American scatologism `crock of shit'] n. 1. An
   awkward feature or programming technique that ought to be made
   cleaner.  For example, using small integers to represent error
   codes without the program interpreting them to the user (as in, for
   example, UNIX `make(1)', which returns code 139 for a process
   that dies due to {segfault}).  2. A technique that works
   acceptably, but which is quite prone to failure if disturbed in the
   least.  For example, a too-clever programmer might write an
   assembler which mapped instruction mnemonics to numeric opcodes
   algorithmically, a trick which depends far too intimately on the
   particular bit patterns of the opcodes.  (For another example of
   programming with a dependence on actual opcode values, see {The
   Story of Mel, a Real Programmer} in {Appendix A}.)  Many crocks
   have a tightly woven, almost completely unmodifiable structure.
   See {kluge}, {brittle}.  The adjectives `crockish' and
   `crocky', and the nouns `crockishness' and `crockitude', are
   also used.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Crocodile Dundee: Ali Gator.
%%
Cronenberg's remake of "The Fly," rated "G" for "Gross-out."
%%
CRONE:  Who sent you?
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Ni!
CRONE:  Aaaagh!  (she looks around in rear) No!  We have no shrubberies here.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
CROQUET
  A game in which wooden balls are driven by means of long-handled
  mallets, through a series of hoops. Christ, how boring can you get.
  They ought to pep it up a bit. At the very least, a net. Or maybe a
  bit of hitting your opponents over the head with the mallets. Or
  perhaps rolling grannies across the lawn in wheelchairs carrying
  high-explosives to see if they can collide...
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Crosis of Borg - Smurf, hit on head with mallet, death is immediate.
%%
Crosscountry runners do it in open fields.
%%
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
cross derivatives? angry derivatives!...perturbed...
%%
Cross-examination is like prospecting. When you hit a vein that looks
    promising, you dig until you strike gold.
 -- Perry Mason
%%
Crossing Rivers - By Bridget Fast
%%
Cross Lassie with cantaloupe and get a meloncollie baby.
%%
Cross over to Cats.
%%
Cross-posted from alt.rush-limbaugh.dork.dork.dork
%%
Crossposted from alt.tanya.tag.tag.tag to alt.tonya.club.club.club
%%
Crossposting isn't inherently evil, in the same sense that necrophilia
doesn't really hurt anybody.  One wonders only whether it's
appropriate to the occasion.
 -- Rick Gordon
%%
:cross-post: [USENET] vi. To post a single article simultaneously to
   several newsgroups.  Distinguished from posting the article
   repeatedly, once to each newsgroup, which causes people to see it
   multiple times (which is very bad form).  Gratuitous cross-posting
   without a Followup-To line directing responses to a single followup
   group is frowned upon, as it tends to cause {followup} articles
   to go to inappropriate newsgroups when people respond to only one
   part of the original posting.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cross-referencing your code is screaming "Jesus Christ!" as it crashes
%%
Cross-word players do it crossly.
%%
Cross-word players do it horizontally and vertically.
%%
"Cross you heart, hope to die,
Stick a needle in your eye,
Jam a dagger in your thigh,
Eat a horse manure pie!"
 -- Bart, from The Simpsons
%%
Crown Prince of the Crown Royal
%%
Crows have the largest cerebral hemispheres, relative to body size,
of any avian family.
%%
Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
 -- Madonna
%%
Crude classifications and false generalizations are the curse of organized
life.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
:crudware: /kruhd'weir/ n. Pejorative term for the hundreds of
   megabytes of low-quality {freeware} circulated by user's groups
   and BBS systems in the micro-hobbyist world.  "Yet *another*
   set of disk catalog utilities for {{MS-DOS}}?  What crudware!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cruel as death, and hungry as the grave.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Winter, Line 393
%%
:cruft: /kruhft/ [back-formation from {crufty}] 1. n. An
   unpleasant substance.  The dust that gathers under your bed is
   cruft; the TMRC Dictionary correctly noted that attacking it with a
   broom only produces more.  2. n. The results of shoddy
   construction.  3. vt. [from `hand cruft', pun on `hand craft']
   To write assembler code for something normally (and better) done by
   a compiler (see {hand-hacking}).  4. n. Excess; superfluous
   junk; used esp. of redundant or superseded code.

   This term is one of the oldest in the jargon and no one is sure of
   its etymology, but it is suggestive that there is a Cruft Hall at
   Harvard University which is part of the old physics building; it's
   said to have been the physics department's radar lab during WWII.
   To this day (early 1993) the windows appear to be full of random
   techno-junk.  MIT or Lincoln Labs people may well have coined the
   term as a knock on the competition.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cruftsmanship: /kruhfts'm*n-ship / n. [from {cruft}] The
   antithesis of craftsmanship.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cruft together: vt. (also `cruft up') To throw together
   something ugly but temporarily workable.  Like vt. {kluge up},
   but more pejorative.  "There isn't any program now to reverse all
   the lines of a file, but I can probably cruft one together in about
   10 minutes."  See {hack together}, {hack up}, {kluge up},
   {crufty}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:crufty: /kruhf'tee/ [origin unknown; poss. from `crusty']
   adj. 1. Poorly built, possibly over-complex.  The {canonical}
   example is "This is standard old crufty {DEC} software".  In fact,
   one fanciful theory of the origin of `crufty' holds that was
   originally a mutation of `crusty' applied to DEC software so old
   that the `s' characters were tall and skinny, looking more like
   `f' characters.  2. Unpleasant, especially to the touch, often with
   encrusted junk.  Like spilled coffee smeared with peanut butter and
   catsup.  3. Generally unpleasant.  4. (sometimes spelled
   `cruftie') n. A small crufty object (see {frob}); often one
   that doesn't fit well into the scheme of things.  "A LISP property
   list is a good place to store crufties (or, collectively,
   {random} cruft)."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cruisin' @ 899,942,400,000 furlongs / fortnight
%%
CRUISING: 19200bps modem and 0.5bps fingers!
%%
:crumb: n. Two binary digits; a {quad}.  Larger than a {bit},
   smaller than a {nybble}.  Considered silly.  Syn. {tayste}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:crunch: 1. vi. To process, usually in a time-consuming or
   complicated way.  Connotes an essentially trivial operation that is
   nonetheless painful to perform.  The pain may be due to the
   triviality's being embedded in a loop from 1 to 1,000,000,000.
   "FORTRAN programs do mostly {number-crunching}."  2. vt. To
   reduce the size of a file by a complicated scheme that produces bit
   configurations completely unrelated to the original data, such as
   by a Huffman code.  (The file ends up looking something like a
   paper document would if somebody crunched the paper into a wad.)
   Since such compression usually takes more computations than simpler
   methods such as run-length encoding, the term is doubly
   appropriate.  (This meaning is usually used in the construction
   `file crunch(ing)' to distinguish it from {number-crunching}.)
   See {compress}.  3. n. The character `#'.  Used at XEROX
   and CMU, among other places.  See {{ASCII}}.  4. vt. To squeeze
   program source into a minimum-size representation that will still
   compile or execute.  The term came into being specifically for a
   famous program on the BBC micro that crunched BASIC source in order
   to make it run more quickly (it was a wholly interpretive BASIC, so
   the number of characters mattered).  {Obfuscated C Contest}
   entries are often crunched; see the first example under that
   entry.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cruncha cruncha cruncha: /kruhn'ch* kruhn'ch* kruhn'ch*/ interj.
   An encouragement sometimes muttered to a machine bogged down in a
   serious {grovel}.  Also describes a notional sound made by
   groveling hardware.  See {wugga wugga}, {grind} (sense 3).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CRUNCH!  "What're you doing, Worf!?"  "Studying Data-Compression!"
%%
Crusher: Worf, have you seen Wesley?   Worf: No, I haven't
%%
Crush the infamous thing.
 -- Francis M. Voltaire (1694-1778)
 -- Letter to d'Alembert, June 23, 1760
%%
Crusing for chicks on the information superhighway...
%%
Crusoe got everything done by Friday. Can you?
%%
crust, sauce, toppings, cheese.
 -- The Four Food Groups
%%
Cry Cheeble! and let loose the hamsters of war!
%%
Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Crying:  strengthens immune system by cleansing impurities
%%
CRYONICISTS stay stiff longer
%%
Cryonics: many are culled, few are frozen!
%%
:cryppie: /krip'ee/ n. A cryptographer.  One who hacks or implements
   cryptographic software or hardware.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Crypt disclaimer: Sorry Holmes, finger slipped!
%%
Cryptographers do it secretly.
%%
Cryptotechnophobia:
 The secret belief that technology is more of a menace than a
boon.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
CRYPT   reCuRsive encrYPt Tape mnemonic [UNIX]
%%
Cry SQUEEK and let loose the four ferrets of the apocalypse.
%%
CS111 students do it in binary.
%%
CS111 students do it with interspersed comments.
%%
CS111 students do it with ORGs.
%%
CS: Crash System
%%
C:
 Short for "chutzpah", a quality needed before tacling even the more
 simplest program with this language. C is also the symbol for the
 speed of light, but that has absolutely nothing to do with how quickly
 one can learn or use the language. C encourages self-documenting
 structured programming through construct such as

 (*wnd->func)(*++addr)

 which means call the routine whose address is stored in the "func"
 part of the structure pointed to by "wnd", and pass to it the contents
 of the cell pointed to by the pointer in "addr" after it (the pointer,
 not the contents) has been incremented. Or something like that.
%%
"C++" should have been called "D"
%%
C sick and sh shocked
%%
CSL: Curse and Swear Loudly
%%
CSN: Call Supervisor Names
%%
CSNIO: Crash System on Next I/O
%%
CSS: Crash Subsidiary Systems
%%
CSU     Call Self Unconditional [ultimate recursive programming]
%%
CTDMR: Change Tape Density, Mid Record
%%
C++ -- The language in which only friends can access your private members.
%%
Cthulhu 93: A Thousand Points of Fright!
%%
Cthulhu '96! Vote for The Old Party, and they'll *END ALL* problems.
%%
Cthulhu and Hastur and Nyarlathotep, Oh my!
%%
Cthulhu attended the Olympics.  He likes fast food!
%%
Cthulhu awakens in 24 hours. Have a nice day.
%%
Cthulhu calls, and orders a large pizza with anchovies...
%%
Cthulhu calls his shots.
%%
Cthulhu Calls -- using ClearTel.
%%
Cthulhu Calls -- using ITI.
%%
Cthulhu Calls -- using MCI.
%%
Cthulhu: Classic American Gothic Horror from the 1920-30's...
%%
Cthulhu Cthucklth!
%%
Cthulhu Cthucks.
%%
Cthulhu cthucks!  But does he cthwallow?
%%
Cthulhu c'thucks! _Our_ Moderator SAVED this Conference!
%%
Cthulhu does it R'lyeh-ably (reliably? ;).
%%
Cthulhu eh?  If he's so powerful why is he so ugly?
%%
Cthulhu Express   When it absolutely, positively has to
be turned into an eldritch crawling horror in eons
%%
Cthulhu for President: Why not vote for the Ultimate Evil?
%%
Cthulhu: for when only the Darkedness would Do...
%%
Cthulhu fthagn! Cthulhu fthagn! Cthulhu fthagn! Oh, wow, that really ...
%%
Cthulhu/Ghatanothoa in 96!  Screw the environment!
%%
Cthulhu in '96 - THE STARS ARE RIGHT!
%%
Cthulhu is a H.P. Lovecraft Thing...
%%
Cthulhu is a pawn of Barney!
%%
Cthulhu is Horror from Beyond the Before...
%%
Cthulhu is no damned g *!%$#!@ NO CARRIER
%%
Cthulhu isn't really his name, he just has a speech impediment.
%%
Cthulhu: it's the surreal thing.
%%
Cthulhu lives--in MY refrigerator
%%
Cthulhu loves me, this I know; the Necronomicon told me so.
%%
Cthulhu loves the little children of the world.
%%
Cthulhu loves you ... Deep fried in your own juices.
%%
Cthulhu loves you ... On a Ritz cracker with Swiss Cheese!
%%
Cthulhu loves you ... On a sesame bun.
%%
Cthulhu loves you ... With an apple in your mouth.
%%
Cthulhu loves you ... With a tossed salad and white wine.
%%
Cthulhu loves you ... With ketchup on a bun.
%%
Cthulhu now co-moderates this conference...
%%
Cthulhu Said It, I believe It, And That Settles It.
%%
Cthulhu Saves! - Campus Crusade for Cthulhu.
%%
Cthulhu saves our souls and redeems them for valuable coupons later.
%%
Cthulhu saves... passes to Hastur... the crowd goes mad!
%%
Cthulhu saves sinners ... In case he's hungry later.
%%
Cthulhu Saves ... The bones, that is.
%%
Cthulhu's just a fish out of water.
%%
Cthulhu sleeps at R'lyeh, but It vacations in Cascadia.
%%
Cthulhu Wrangler: Marlon Perkins.
%%
Cthulhu! You've been SPOKEN to about biting the readers!
%%
Cthuloops!
%%
Ctrl-Alt-Del : See problem solving -- A book on MS-DOS.
%%
:CTSS: /C-T-S-S/ n. Compatible Time-Sharing System.  An early
   (1963) experiment in the design of interactive time-sharing
   operating systems, ancestral to {{Multics}}, {{UNIX}}, and
   {{ITS}}.  The name {{ITS}} (Incompatible Time-sharing System)
   was a hack on CTSS, meant both as a joke and to express some basic
   differences in philosophy about the way I/O services should be
   presented to user programs.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CTT: Call Time and Temperature
%%
:CTY: /sit'ee/ or /C-T-Y/ n. [MIT] The terminal physically
   associated with a computer's system {{console}}.  The term is a
   contraction of `Console {tty}', that is, `Console TeleTYpe'.
   This {{ITS}}- and {{TOPS-10}}-associated term has become less
   common, as most UNIX hackers simply refer to the CTY as `the
   console'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cuando sabes a donde vas, el mundo
entero se aparta para abrirte paso.
%%
:cube: n. 1. [short for `cubicle'] A module in the open-plan
   offices used at many programming shops.  "I've got the manuals in
   my cube."  2. A NeXT machine (which resembles a matte-black cube).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cubing: [parallel with `tubing'] vi. 1. Hacking on an IPSC (Intel
   Personal SuperComputer) hypercube.  "Louella's gone cubing
   *again*!!"  2. Hacking Rubik's Cube or related puzzles,
   either physically or mathematically.  3. An indescribable form of
   self-torture (see sense 1 or 2).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CUC: Cheat Until Caught
%%
Cuckoos do it by proxy.
%%
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers get more pickled than brine gets
cucumbered.
 -- Prescott's pickle principle
%%
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
 -- Cucumbers are Better
%%
Cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and
 then thrown out, as good for nothing.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
 -- Cucumbers are Better
%%
Cudgel thy brains no more about it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
CUESLIX - Pool players favorite cereal
%%
CUI BONO?  [Latin]  What good would that do _me_?
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are
 higher.  If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you
 as you are served.
%%
C U L8TR
%%
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
 -- Robert Altman
%%
Cultivate philosophy and run like hell.
%%
Cultivate vices when you are young,
and when you are old they will not forsake you.
%%
Cultivation to the mind is as necessary as food to the body.
 -- Cicero
%%
Cult of Aloneness:
 The need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense of
long'term relationships. Often brought about by overly high
expectations of others.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Culture is the arts elevated to a set of beliefs.
 -- Tom Wolfe
%%
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
%%
Culture: What your butcher would have if he were a surgeon.
 -- Mary Pettibone Poole
%%
Cum deliramus,
ea numina significamus.
Profuit ignaris.
%%
Cum on feel the NOIZE!
 -- Twisted Sister
%%
(cum = with or by. deliramus = we go crazy, we run riot. ea numina = the
gods' will. significamus = we signify, denote, become, announce. It is
when we run riot that we signify the gods. Or By running riot, we do the
will of the gods. Or It is when we run riot that we announce the will of
the gods. Or By going crazy, we signify the will of the gods.) Profuit
ignaris, 12th century poem of sexual invitation written by a churchman
to some young women who are behind the walls of a cloister. The speaker
turns his simple request into an elaborate argument considering the
purposes of love as the guiding principle of nature and the cosmos. --
 -- Leonard Barkan,
 -- THE GODS MADE FLESH: METAMORPHOSIS AND THE PURSUIT OF PAGANISM
%%
Cunnilinguist - one who speaks four languages.
%%
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
%%
Cunning and deceit will every time serve a man better than force.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
Cunning and treachery are the offspring of incapacity.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
CUNNING, n.  The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person
from a strong one.  It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction
and great material adversity.  An Italian proverb says:  "The furrier
gets the skins of more foxes than asses."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
  |
-@_@-     Cunning Pike Having Seen Nuclear Sub
%%
   |
- -_- -  Cunning Pike Sleeping
%%
Cupid and my Campaspe play'd
At cards for kisses: Cupid paid.
He stakes his quiver, bow, and arrows,
His mother's doves, and team of sparrows:
Loses them too. Then down he throws
The coral of his lip, the rose
Growing on 's cheek (but none knows how);
With these, the crystal of his brow,
And then the dimple on his chin:
All these did my Campaspe win.
At last he set her both his eyes:
She won, and Cupid blind did rise.
  O Love! has she done this to thee?
  What shall, alas! become of me?
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Cupid and Campaspe, Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
CUPID, n.  The so-called god of love.  This bastard creation of a
barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of
its deities.  Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is
the most reasonless and offensive.  The notion of symbolizing sexual
love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the
wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art
grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --
this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on
the doorstep of prosperity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cupid's arrow kills Vulcans.
%%
Cuprum: moonshine.
%%
Cured ham? No, thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my
 plate?
 -- Tommy Sledge
%%
Cure for baldness: Put on your hat!
%%
Cures For Impotence - By Hugh G. Rection
%%
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
%%
Curioser and curioser!
%%
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I got him with the mower!
%%
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, it was my hammer!
%%
Curiosity didn't kill the cat... my car did!!
%%
Curiosity in the humanities is a free person's humility, and a humble
person's freedom.
 -- Joseph Duffy
%%
Curiosity is the headlight that keeps us from losin' our way.
 -- Elvis
%%
Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell
me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly.
 -- Arnold Edinborough
%%
Curiosity is unbecoming in a Kajira!
%%
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%%
Curiosity killed the cat. Where can I find Curiosity?
%%
Curiosity kills more mice than cats.
%%
Curiosity may kill the cat, but a 12 gauge is quicker!
%%
CURIOSITY, n.  An objectionable quality of the female mind.  The
desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one
of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Curiosity: The reason why most of us haven't committed
suicide long ago.
%%
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.
 -- James Stephens
%%
Curiouser and curiouser!
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
Curious: Leans over to look at neighbor's equipment. Pisses in
neighbor's pocket.
 -- Psychoanalysis through behavior at Urinals
%%
Currency
 -- "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"
%%
Currently, a marriage is considered successful if it lasts long enough for
 the exchange of all the duplicates received during the wedding as gifts.
%%
Current Protocol: None Selected
%%
Curse all his virtues! they 've undone his country.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act iv, Sc. 4
%%
Curse away!
And let me tell thee, Beausant, a wise proverb
The Arabs have,--"Curses are like young chickens,
And still come home to roost."
 -- Edward Bulwer Lytton (1805-1873)
 -- The Lady of Lyons, Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Cursed be he that moves my bones.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Shakespeare's Epitaph
%%
Cursed be the verse, how well so e'er it flow,
That tends to make one worthy man my foe.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 283
%%
Cursed is every-one who places his hope in man.
 -- St. Augustine
%%
Curse his better angel from his side,
And fall to reprobation.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Curse: May your grandchildren be born in _____________.<--(name city)
%%
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Eloisa to Abelard, Line 74
%%
Curses - foiled again.
That was a promotional announcement on behalf of Comalco.
%%
Curses! Hayes-ed again!!
%%
curses! may you be forced to grep the termcap of an unclean yacc while a herd
of wild rogue emacs fsck your troff and vgrind your pathalias!
%%
"Curse these personal computers!" cried the novice in anger, "To make them do
anything I must use three or even four editing programs.  This is truly
intolerable!"
The master programmer stared at the novice.  "And what would you do to remedy
this state of affairs?" he asked.
The novice thought for a moment.  "I will design a new editing program," he
said, "a program that will replace all these others."
Suddenly the master struck the novice on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" exclaimed the surprised novice.
"I have no wish to learn another editing program," said the master.
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
 -- The Zen of Programming
%%
CURSE, v.t.  Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.  This
is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is
commonly fatal to the victim.  Nevertheless, the liability to a
cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of
life insurance.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people."
 -- Monty Python's Dim! (DIM of the YARD!)
%%
cursor address, n:
    Hello, cursor!
 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, The Devil's DP Dictionary
%%
Cursor:  An expert in four-letter words...
%%
:cursor dipped in X: n. There are a couple of metaphors in English
   of the form `pen dipped in X' (perhaps the most common values of X
   are `acid', `bile', and `vitriol').  These map over neatly to this
   hackish usage (the cursor being what moves, leaving letters behind,
   when one is composing on-line).  "Talk about a {nastygram}!  He
   must've had his cursor dipped in acid when he wrote that one!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
%%
Cursor - small blob on the screen, usually flashing.
%%
Cursor:  What you become when your system crashes.
%%
Cursor: What you turn into when you can't get your
 computer to perform as in "You $#$%c% computer!"
%%
Curtsey while you're thinking what to say.  It saves time.
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%%
Curzon's dead. I'm Jadzia Dax now.
%%
:cuspy: /kuhs'pee/ [WPI: from the {DEC} abbreviation CUSP, for `Commonly
   Used System Program', i.e., a utility program used by many people]
   adj. 1. (of a program) Well-written.  2. Functionally excellent.  A
   program that performs well and interfaces well to users is cuspy.
   See {rude}.  3. [NYU] Said of an attractive woman, especially one
   regarded as available.  Implies a certain curvaceousness.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CUSTARD
  Custard is a warm, gooey yellowish substance commonly swallowed
  orally. The great Custic Civilisations of the upper Amazon are
  commonly credited with the invention and implementation of the
  first truly gooey custards. They had perfected hot gooey custard
  for use as a sexual therapy as early as 200BC, and the telling of
  such stories in iconic form have often been accredited with the
  shortage of bananas in that particular region. [See also: Toxic]
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Custer was fitted for an Arrow shirt.
%%
Custom does often reason overrule and only serves for reason to the fool.
 -- John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
%%
Customer
 a primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
      Customer :- I'd like to get a mouse pad for my Macintosh.
Shop Assistant :- Yeh, that sounds like a fair deal.
%%
Customer in a hurry at a garage: Don't bother with the
petrol, just give me the stamps.
%%
CUSTOMER:     Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't be
              long.
MORTICIAN:    Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:     Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN:    Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
CUSTOMER:     You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there something
              you can do?
DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
    [whop]
CUSTOMER:     Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN:    Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:     Right.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Custom is almost a second nature.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Rules for the Preservation of Health, 18
%%
Custom is the law of fools.
 -- Vanburgh
%%
Custom reconciles us to everything.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- On the Sublime and Beautiful, Sect. xviii, Vol. i, p. 231
%%
Customs tell a man who he is, where he belongs, what he must do.
Better illogical customs than none; men cannot live together without
them. "Justice" is a search for workable customs.
 -- Dr. Margaret Mader
%%
Custom will often blind one to the good as well as to the evil effects
of any long established system.
 -- Bishop Richard Whately
%%
Cut and come again.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- Tales, Tale vii, The Widow's Tale
%%
:cut a tape: vi. To write a software or document distribution on
   magnetic tape for shipment.  Has nothing to do with physically
   cutting the medium!  Early versions of this lexicon claimed that
   one never analogously speaks of `cutting a disk', but this has
   since been reported as live usage.  Related slang usages are
   mainstream business's `cut a check', the recording industry's
   `cut a record', and the military's `cut an order'.

   All of these usages reflect physical processes in obsolete
   recording and duplication technologies.  The first stage in
   manufacturing an old-style vinyl record involved cutting grooves in
   a stamping die with a precision lathe.  More mundanely, the
   dominant technology for mass duplication of paper documents in
   pre-photocopying days involved "cutting a stencil", punching away
   portions of the wax overlay on a silk screen.  More directly,
   paper tape with holes punched in it was an important early storage
   medium.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cute and definitely huggable.....right!
%%
Cute and interesting are two different things.
%%
Cut 'em off at the past!
%%
Cute rots the intellect.
 -- Garfield
%%
--------------------- cut here --------------------------
%%
Cut is the branch that might have grown full straight,
And burned is Apollo's laurel bough,
That sometime grew within this learned man.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- Faustus
%%
Cut it large and kick it into place.
 -- The Basic Law of Construction
%%
Cut life support to all quarters with children
 -- Picard
%%
Cut me young, cut me deep!
%%
Cut my cote after my cloth.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. viii
%%
Cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath.
 -- Nirvana.
%%
Cut off even in the blossoms of my sin,
Unhousell'd, disappointed, unaneled,
No reckoning made, but sent to my account
With all my imperfections on my head.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Cut, Paste, Color, Delete...
%%
Cuts of Mutts
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Cut the cards, varmint.  OOH! That ain't whut ah meant!
%%
Cut the conversation, just open your mouth.
%%
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
%%
Cutting remarks don't cut any ice.
%%
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.   It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
 -- Johnny Hart
%%
Cut to fit;  beat into place.
 -- Carpenter's Rule
%%
Cut yourself a slice of throat.
 -- Curly Howard
%%
Cuz we're two of a kind, working on a full house.
%%
CVFL: ConVert Floating to Logical
%%
CVFP: ConVert Fortran to Pascal
%%
CVG: ConVert to Garbage
%%
CVU: ConVert to Unary
%%
CWAH: Create Woman And Hold
%%
CWB: Carry With Borrow
%%
CWDC: Cut Wires and Drop Core
%%
CWG: Chase Wild Goose
%%
CWGK: Compare Watt to Genghis Khan
%%
C:\WHATTHEHELLYOULOOKINGAT\STUPID>
%%
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\RUN C:\COMPUTER\CRAWL
%%
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\RUN C:\WINDOWS\CRASH  C:\COMPUTER\FRY
%%
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\RUN C:\WINDOWS\RUN\CRASH
%%
C:\WINDOWS\RUN  C:\WINDOWS\CRASH  C:\COMPUTER\FRY
%%
CWIT: Compare Watt to Ivan the Terrible
%%
CWM: Compare Watt to Mussolini
%%
Cwm fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz.
%%
C&W music backward: get yer dog, wife, job, truck, kids, n'sobriety back
%%
CWOM: Complement Write-Only Memory
%%
:cybercrud: /si:'ber-kruhd/ n. 1. [coined by Ted Nelson]
   Obfuscatory tech-talk.  Verbiage with a high {MEGO} factor.  The
   computer equivalent of bureaucratese.  2. Incomprehensible stuff
   embedded in email.  First there were the "Received" headers that
   show how mail flows through systems, then MIME (Multi-purpose
   Internet Mail Extensions) headers and part boundaries, and now huge
   blocks of hex for PEM (Privacy Enhanced Mail) or PGP (Pretty Good
   Privacy) digital signatures and certificates of authenticity.  This
   stuff all services a purpose and good user interfaces should hide
   it, but all too often users are forced to wade through it.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cyberdine Systems, by which others will be judged.
%%
Cyber-Dog food: Kibbles and Bytes, Kibbles and Bytes
%%
Cyber Linguist Extraordinaire
%%
Cyberpuck:  the dark future of hockey.
%%
:Cyberpunk: Outlaws and Hackers on the Computer Frontier:
Katie Hafner & John Markoff
Simon & Schuster 1991
ISBN 0-671-68322-5

This book gathers narratives about the careers of three notorious
crackers into a clear-eyed but sympathetic portrait of hackerdom's dark
side.  The principals are Kevin Mitnick, "Pengo" and "Hagbard" of the
Chaos Computer Club, and Robert T. Morris (see {RTM}, sense 2) .
Markoff and Hafner focus as much on their psychologies and motivations
as on the details of their exploits, but don't slight the latter.  The
result is a balanced and fascinating account, particularly useful when
read immediately before or after Cliff Stoll's {The Cuckoo's Egg}.  It
is especially instructive to compare RTM, a true hacker who blundered,
with the sociopathic phone-freak Mitnick and the alienated, drug-addled
crackers who made the Chaos Club notorious.  The gulf between {wizard}
and {wannabee} has seldom been made more obvious.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Cyberpunk (si'-ber-punk) n. - a computer with an attitude.
%%
...cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable,
challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self.
That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is
essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in
Count Zero, with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl's
observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself,
rather than its output.
 -- Eliot Handelman
%%
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|               Cyber Rights Now:  Accept No Compromise.                |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
%%
`Cyberspace. A consensual hallucination experienced daily by billions of
legitimate operators, in every nation, by children being taught mathematical
concepts ... A graphic representation of data abstracted from the banks of
every computer in the human system. Unthinkable complexity. Lines of light
ranged in the nonspace of the mind, clusters and constellations of data.
Like city lights, receding...'
 -- William Gibson "Neuromancer"
%%
CyberSpace Forever!
%%
Cyberspace is where you are when you're on the telephone.
%%
:cyberspace: /si:'ber-spays/ n. 1. Notional `information-space'
   loaded with visual cues and navigable with brain-computer
   interfaces called `cyberspace decks'; a characteristic prop of
   {cyberpunk} SF.  At the time of this writing (mid-1991),
   serious efforts to construct {virtual reality} interfaces
   modeled explicitly on Gibsonian cyberspace are already under way,
   using more conventional devices such as glove sensors and binocular
   TV headsets.  Few hackers are prepared to deny outright the
   possibility of a cyberspace someday evolving out of the network
   (see {network, the}).  2. Occasionally, the metaphoric location
   of the mind of a person in {hack mode}.  Some hackers report
   experiencing strong eidetic imagery when in hack mode;
   interestingly, independent reports from multiple sources suggest
   that there are common features to the experience.  In particular,
   the dominant colors of this subjective `cyberspace' are often
   gray and silver, and the imagery often involves constellations of
   marching dots, elaborate shifting patterns of lines and angles, or
   moire patterns.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cycle: 1. n. The basic unit of computation.  What every hacker
   wants more of (noted hacker Bill Gosper describes himself as a
   "cycle junkie"). One can describe an instruction as taking so
   many `clock cycles'.  Often the computer can access its memory
   once on every clock cycle, and so one speaks also of `memory
   cycles'.  These are technical meanings of {cycle}.  The jargon
   meaning comes from the observation that there are only so many
   cycles per second, and when you are sharing a computer the cycles
   get divided up among the users.  The more cycles the computer
   spends working on your program rather than someone else's, the
   faster your program will run.  That's why every hacker wants more
   cycles: so he can spend less time waiting for the computer to
   respond.  2. By extension, a notional unit of *human* thought
   power, emphasizing that lots of things compete for the typical
   hacker's think time.  "I refused to get involved with the Rubik's
   Cube back when it was big.  Knew I'd burn too many cycles on it if
   I let myself."  3. vt. Syn. {bounce} (sense 4), {120 reset};
   from the phrase `cycle power'. "Cycle the machine again, that
   serial port's still hung."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cycle crunch: n. A situation wherein the number of people trying
   to use a computer simultaneously has reached the point where no one
   can get enough cycles because they are spread too thin and the
   system has probably begun to {thrash}.  This scenario is an
   inevitable result of Parkinson's Law applied to timesharing.
   Usually the only solution is to buy more computer.  Happily, this
   has rapidly become easier since the mid-1980s, so much so that the
   very term `cycle crunch' now has a faintly archaic flavor; most
   hackers now use workstations or personal computers as opposed to
   traditional timesharing systems.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cycle drought: n. A scarcity of cycles.  It may be due to a {cycle
   crunch}, but it could also occur because part of the computer is
   temporarily not working, leaving fewer cycles to go around.
   "The {high moby} is {down}, so we're running with only
   half the usual amount of memory.  There will be a cycle drought
   until it's fixed."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cycle of reincarnation: [coined by Ivan Sutherland ca. 1970] n.
   Term used to refer to a well-known effect whereby function in a
   computing system family is migrated out to special-purpose
   peripheral hardware for speed, then the peripheral evolves toward
   more computing power as it does its job, then somebody notices that
   it is inefficient to support two asymmetrical processors in the
   architecture and folds the function back into the main CPU, at
   which point the cycle begins again.  Several iterations of this
   cycle have been observed in graphics-processor design, and at least
   one or two in communications and floating-point processors.  Also
   known as `the Wheel of Life', `the Wheel of Samsara', and other
   variations of the basic Hindu/Buddhist theological idea.  See also
   {blitter}, {bit bang}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:cycle server: n. A powerful machine that exists primarily for
   running large {batch} jobs.  Implies that interactive tasks such as
   editing are done on other machines on the network, such as
   workstations.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Taking Inventory at a Bike shop
%%
Cyclic Redundancy Check:  Two locks on the same bicycle...
%%
Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.
 -- Lillian Hellman
%%
Cynicism is disillusioned idealism.
 -- Harry Kemelman
%%
Cynicism is humor in ill-health.
 -- H. G. Wells
%%
Cynicism is intellectual dandyism.
%%
Cynicism is safe, optimism takes real intelligence.
%%
Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.
 -- Russell Lynes
%%
Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they
ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's
eyes to improve his vision.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
%%
Cynics are made, not born.
 -- Max
%%
Cynics are right nine times out of ten; what undoes them is their
belief that they are right ten times out of ten.
 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt...  Idealists regarded
everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
Cytherian: "...Electrochemical stimulus response, cranial plate, bipedal
  locomotion, endoskeletal...contiguous external antigument!  Hmm."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Czechoslovakia ahead a goal to nil - that's a win if it stays that way.
%%
CZZC: Convert Zone to Zip Code
%%
DAC     Divide and Conquer.
%%
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched
 and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or
 the other.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
 of us died of tuberculosis.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
   Daddy, Daddy, make
     Santa Claus go away!
              I can't, son;
          he's grown too
         powerful.
                  HO HO HO!
 -- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
%%
Daddy, hand me the garage door mouse.
 -- a four-year-old daughter trying to reach
       the garage door opener.
       (after using too much "educational" software).
%%
Daddy, what does "FORMATTING DRIVE C:....." mean ?
%%
Daddy, what does RESET mean.
%%
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?
%%
DA      Develop Amnesia
%%
Dad, have you seen Blip? I can't find him anywhere!
%%
"Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have
color film back then?"
"Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just the
WORLD was black and white then."
"Really?"
"Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930's, and it was
pretty grainy color for a while, too."
"That's really weird."
"Well, truth is stranger than fiction."
"But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and
white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?"
"Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane."
"But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their
paints have been shades of gray back then?"
"Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the 30's."
"So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?"
"Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?"
 -- Calvin and Dad, "Calvin and Hobbes", 29 October 89
%%
Dad's favourite advice:"Keep your eyes open and your fly shut."
%%
Dad taught me about love. When I was 14 he said, "Larry, someday you're
 gonna meet a girl that's gonna be so right and so wonderful and so perfect
 that you're not even gonna haggle over price."
 -- Larry "Bubbles" Brown
%%
Dad, what's that building?
That's an ancient Norman watchtower... where they would watch for Norman!
They haven't spotted him yet...
 -- actual conversation between my Dad & me
%%
:daemon: /day'mn/ or /dee'mn/ [from the mythological meaning,
   later rationalized as the acronym `Disk And Execution MONitor'] n.
   A program that is not invoked explicitly, but lies dormant waiting
   for some condition(s) to occur.  The idea is that the perpetrator
   of the condition need not be aware that a daemon is lurking (though
   often a program will commit an action only because it knows that it
   will implicitly invoke a daemon).  For example, under {{ITS}}
   writing a file on the {LPT} spooler's directory would invoke the
   spooling daemon, which would then print the file.  The advantage is
   that programs wanting (in this example) files printed need neither
   compete for access to nor understand any idiosyncrasies of the
   {LPT}.  They simply enter their implicit requests and let the
   daemon decide what to do with them.  Daemons are usually spawned
   automatically by the system, and may either live forever or be
   regenerated at intervals.

   Daemon and {demon} are often used interchangeably, but seem to
   have distinct connotations.  The term `daemon' was introduced to
   computing by {CTSS} people (who pronounced it /dee'mon/) and
   used it to refer to what ITS called a {dragon}.  Although the
   meaning and the pronunciation have drifted, we think this glossary
   reflects current (1993) usage.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dahling, don't be so third-level
%%
Dain bramaged.
%%
Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains.
%%
Daleks don't like stairs.
 -- Ian, THE CHASE
%%
Dalmatian dogs are born pure white, they don't start getting spots
until they are three or four days old.
%%
Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon -- that's hard.
%%
Dammit Bones, I'm a captain, not a doctor.
%%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
 First you rape, then you pillage!!
%%
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physician.
 -- McCoy
%%
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.
%%
Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!
 -- Doonesbury
%%
Dammit, we're all going to die, let's die doing something *useful*!
 -- Hal Clement, on comments that space exploration is dangerous
%%
Damnable, both sides rogue.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Damn fine coffee, and HOT!
%%
Damn! I'm running out of integers!
%%
Damnit Bones, you're a doctor, you know that pain can't be taken away
  with a magic wand.  They're the things we carry with us, the things
  that make us who we are.  If we lose them, we lose ourselves.  I
  don't want my pain taken away, I need my pain!
 -- Kirk,  "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
%%
Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a doctor. Hey, wait a minute.
%%
Damn it Jim!, I'm a programmer not a Doctor!
%%
Damn it, Jim, you're a television personality, not an
actor
%%
Damn Outta Antimatter. I told Geordi $50 wasn't enough.
%%
"Damn reporters! That wasn't the quote at all!
 It was 'carry a big SHOVEL'. Sticks, indeed!"
 -- Teddy Roosevelt in college
%%
Damn the rules! It's the feeling that counts!
 -- John Coltrane
%%
Damn the Solar System.   Bad light; planets too distant; plagued with comets;
feeble contrivance.  Could make a better myself.
 -- Francis, Lord Jeffery
%%
Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead.
%%
Damn this hobby is expensive.
%%
DAMN, v.  A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning
of which is lost.  By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to
have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree
of mental tranquillity.  Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it
expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently
occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."  It
would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion
conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Damn. Where are the callouses us doctors are supposed to grow over
  our feelings.
Perhaps the good ones never get them.
 -- Dr. Crusher and Picard, "Code of Honor", stardate 41235.25
%%
Damn with faint praise, assent with civil leer,
And without sneering teach the rest to sneer;
Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 201
%%
Damn your principles!  Stick to your party.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
Danar. You are cunning, you must have Klingon blood.
 -- Worf,  "The Hunted", stardate 43489.2
%%
Dance and Provencal song and sunburnt mirth!
Oh for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene!
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Ode to a Nightingale
%%
DANCE, v.i.  To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably
with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.  There are many
kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two
sexes have two characteristics in common:  they are conspicuously
innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dan Chaucer, well of English undefyled,
On Fame's eternall beadroll worthie to be fyled.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- Book iv, Canto ii, St. 32
%%
Dancin' fool  [picture of dancing jester]
%%
Dancing is wonderful training for girls; it's the first way you learn to
 guess what a man is going to do before he does it.
%%
"Danger!" by Luke Out
%%
DANGER is my BUSINESS.
 -- Cool McCool, in his cartoon series of the late 60s
%%
DANGER, n.

    A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
        Man girds at and despises,
    But takes himself away by leaps
        And bounds when it arises.
                                                          Ambat Delaso
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Danger! Danger! Danger!
%%
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Doctor Smith has altered the reactor!
%%
Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!
     No, but the first of you turns my stomach!
 -- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
%%
:dangling pointer: n. A reference that doesn't actually lead
   anywhere (in C and some other languages, a pointer that doesn't
   actually point at anything valid).  Usually this happens because it
   formerly pointed to something that has moved or disappeared.  Used
   as jargon in a generalization of its techspeak meaning; for
   example, a local phone number for a person who has since moved to
   the other coast is a dangling pointer.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
*****************Dang*Tribbles******************
%%
Daniel Webster struck me much like a steam-engine in trousers.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 267
%%
Dan Quayle got his first assignment! He is in charge of picking up the
 crushed jelly beans from the carpet in the Oval Office. Currently, he is in
 school, learning how to do it. Next week, he starts.
%%
Dan Quayle had a trip planned to Beijing, but was worried because of
the turmoil at that end. His security adviser however informed him that
it was pretty safe for D. Q. as, 'They are only harassing intellectuals.'
And the President put his hand on my shoulder and said: 'Dan,
I _knew_ Spiro Agnew.  He was a friend of mine.  And Dan...
You're no Spiro Agnew!'
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors
may be getting out of touch with 'Real Americans.' In order
to combat this, he suggested that they read People magazine.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
Dan Quayle is a former has-been.
%%
Dan Quayle is a man of the future, a young man born in the middle of
this century and from the middle of America.  He's a dynamic young
leader for the future of our party and the future of the nation.
 -- President George Bush
%%
[Dan Quayle is] my choice, my first choice, and my only choice.
 -- President George Bush
%%
Dan Quayle is smarter than broccoli.
 -- Assumption #1
%%
Dan Quayle may not have been wanted by his parents, who kept asking him,
 after he was born, why he was not more like Gertrude. Gertrude died at
 birth.
%%
"Darest thou, Cassius, now
Leap in with me into this angry flood,
And swim to yonder point?" Upon the word,
Accoutred as I was, I plunged in
And bade him follow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Dare to be naive.
 -- Richard Buckminster Fuller
%%
Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie;
A fault which needs it most, grows two thereby.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- The Church Porch
%%
Dare to look up to God and say, "Make use of me for the future as
Thou wilt. I am of the same mind; I am one with Thee. I refuse nothing
which seems good to Thee. Lead me whither Thou wilt. Clothe me in
whatever dress Thou wilt."
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- That we do not study to make Use of the established Principles
 -- concerning Good and Evil,
 -- Discourses, Book ii, Chap. xvi
%%
Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward. They may be beaten, but they
may start a winning game.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
DARING, n.  One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in
security.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dark as pitch.
 -- John Bunyan (1628-1688)
 -- Pilgrim's Progress, Part i
%%
Darkness which may be felt.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Exodus x, 21
%%
Dark, no light.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
:dark-side hacker: n. A criminal or malicious hacker; a
   {cracker}.  From George Lucas's Darth Vader, "seduced by the
   dark side of the Force".  The implication that hackers form a
   sort of elite of technological Jedi Knights is intended.  Oppose
   {samurai}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dark with excessive bright.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iii, Line 380
%%
"Darling, would you like to propose another toast?"
"To a warmed, darkened, slightly crispy slice of bread."
 -- Bizarro
%%
Darmok and Jhilad at Tanagra
%%
Darn Out of tribble tags.
%%
Dartboards are made out of horsehairs.
%%
Darth Vader! Only you could be so bold.
 -- Star Wars
%%
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
%%
 (Darth Vader voice:)  Speak, worm!
 -- Answering machine madness - science fiction
%%
Data: "A characteristic response to the Kriskoff Gambit is to counter
with the  El Mitra Exchange, particularly since I have already taken
both of your rooks.  By missing that opportunity, you have left your
king vulnerable." Troi: "We'll see." Data: "As you wish, Counselor."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data: "Ambassador Spock, may I ask a personal question?"
Spock: "Please."
Data: "As you examine your life, do you find that you have missed your
  humanity?"
Spock: "I have no regrets."
Data: "'No regrets.'  That is a human expression."
Spock: "Yes.  Fascinating."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Data: "And Captain Picard has been a role model in my quest to be
more human." Spock: "'More human'?" Data: "Yes, Ambassador." Spock:
"Fascinating.  You have an efficient intellect, superior physical
skills,  no emotional impediments.  There are Vulcans who aspire all
their lives to  achieve what you've been given, by design." Data:
"Hm."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Data and procedures and the values they amass,
Higher-order functions to combine and mix and match,
Objects with their local state, the message they pass,
A property, a package, the control point for a catch---
In the Lambda Order they are all first-class.
One Thing to name them all, One Thing to define them,
One Thing to place them in environments and bind them,
In the Lambda Order they are all first-class.
 -- The Revised Revised Report on Scheme,
 -- or An UnCommon Lisp, MIT AILAB Memo #848a
%%
Data: "Are you comfortable, sir?"
Picard: "I suppose so."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data: "A standard isolation procedure would be advisable."
LaForge: "I agree.  We'll cut off each reactor from the damaged control system,
  and repair them one-by-one."
Riker: "How long will that take?"
LaForge: "Two to three weeks, at least."
Picard: "All right, Mister LaForge."
Barclay: "I don't agree."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Data: "Attempting to reroute subcommand paths, Captain.  Defense systems are
  protected by access barriers."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
DATABASE
  Developed in the early 1800's, by Rodney Database of Darlington,
  the database is a marvellously efficient way of putting large
  amounts of information into one central repository, never to be
  seen again. The design of the database is now an art form in
  itself, and will usually include:
      - just a dash of normalisation
      - a whole bunch of useless information
      - a whole bunch of fairly important information that no-one will
        ever actually ask to see
      - a whole bunch of very important information which will get
        unexpectedly lost when a hardware fault occurs (eg someone
        presses the wrong button) and the whole of your disk gets
        wiped / paper files get burnt / tape gets melted down into a
        large pudding, thrown out, buried in landfill and split in
        two during an earthquake
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Database Manager - A program that allows the user to manipulate data in every
   conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she conceives
   of the day after entering 20 Megabytes of raw data.
 -- From the Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 Issue
%%
Data becomes vilently ill with a computer virus.
%%
Data: "Captain, you have seemed unusually pensive since we received
the news of  Ambassador Sarek's death." Picard: "Sarek and I shared
a particular bond.  Our lives touched in an unusual  way.  I admit
I feel the effects of his death.  The tenure of this mission has
changed, Mister Data, at least it has for me.  We were sent to confront
Spock  about his disappeance, and now I also have to tell him that
his father is  dead."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data: "Commander Riker, you have anticipated my denouement.  However, the
  sentiment is appreciated.  I will continue."
 -- "Schisms", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "Considering the exceptionally long lifespan of Vulcans, it does seem odd
  that Sarek and Spock did not choose to resolve those differences in the time
  allowed."
Picard: "Father and son.  Both proud, both stubborn, more alike than either of
  them were prepared to admit.  A lifetime spent building emotional barriers,
  they are very difficult to break down.  And now the time has come when it's
  too late.  It's a difficult moment.  It's a lonely one.  It's a moment that
  Spock is about to face."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better.
%%
Data: "Counselor, hopefully you will be able to determine whether I am reaching
  Captain Picard."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Counselor, I believe your aim is improving."
 -- "Qpid", Stardate unknown
%%
Data, data everywhere, and not a byte to eat
%%
DATA...DATA SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!!
 -- Riker, "Skin of Evil", stardate 41601.3
%%
Data! Data! Where are you? Why won't you answer? Are you angry with me?
  Please, please, I'm so afraid! Don't leave me.
Wait. Oh, Data. That whisper in the darkness has become a plea. We
  cannot turn our backs.
 -- Sarjenka and Picard, "Pen Pals", stardate 42695.3
%%
Data does it in serial...
 -- Tasha Yar
%%
Data: "Do you not wish to sleep, sir?"
Picard: "I don't think so, Mister Data."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data: "Early bird [gets the worm]?  I believe Commander Shelby erred.  There is
  no evidence of avian or crawling vermicular lifeforms on Jure IV."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds", Stardate unknown
%%
Data enjoys a lot of confusion, Jean-Luc.
 -- Deanna
%%
Data enjoys a smoke after interfacing with the Computer.
%%
Data: "Fascinating.  The Borg group consciousness is divided into subcommands,
  necessary to carry out all functions.  Defense, communications, navigation.
  They are all controlled by a root command."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Feline supplement...Seventy-Four."
Spot: "Meow."
 -- "Data's Day", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "Felus catus.  Is your taxonomic nomenclature
       An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature?
       Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
       Control your hunting skills and natural defenses.
%%
Data: "First neural connection is confirmed.  I cannot report any significant
  access to the Borg consciousness."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Geordi, as a child, did you ever experience a traumatic event?"
LaForge: "You're wondering about Timothy?" Data: "Yes." LaForge: "I
was...caught in a fire once.  I must have been, I don't know, about
 five, I guess?  It was before I got the first VISOR.  And, it was
only a  couple of minutes before my parents found me and pulled me
out.  And nobody  got hurt, but...I tell you...that was the longest
couple of minutes in my  life.  It was a while after that before I
could even let my parents get out of  earshot.  It was like...I absolutely
needed to know that they were there, you  know?" Data: "Timothy no
longer has that kind of support." LaForge: "Yeah."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "He laughed."
Troi: "Yes, it's nice to see, isn't it?"
Data: "It is certainly not consistent with his android persona."
Troi: "I'd say that he is beginning the process of letting go of that fantasy."
Data: "Hmm.  Then my work with him is done."
Troi: "No, I, I don't think it is, Data."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "Honey?  I'm home!"
 -- "In Theory", Stardate unknown
%%
Data, how can you be programmed as a virtual encyclopedia of human
  information and not know a simple word like snoop?
Possibility: A kind of human behavior I was not designed to emulate.
 -- Picard & Data, "Encounter at Farpoint,"  stardate 41153.7.
%%
Data: "Human interpersonal relationships are more complex.  Your experience may
  not have adequately prepared you."
Q: "I'm not interested in 'human interpersonal relationships'.  I just want to
  prove to Picard that I'm indispensable."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Data: "I am afraid we cannot allow you to warn your guards."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Data: "I am attempting to penetrate the Borg regenerate subcommand path.  It is
  a low priority system that may be accessable."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "I am unable to penetrate the base systems command structure, Captain."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "I believe I may be of some assistance.  Captain Scott is unaware
of the  existence of synthehol." Scott: "'S-synthehol'?" Data: "Yes,
sir.  It is an alcohol-substitute now being served aboard starships.
 It simulates the appearance, taste, and smell of alcohol, but the
intoxicating  effects can be easily dismissed."
 -- "Relics", Stardate Unknown
%%
Data: "I believe it was a beacon."
Picard: "A beacon?"
Data: "Yes, sir.  A homing beacon, sent from Earth."
 -- "Conspiracy", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "I cannot penetrate Borg power subcommand structure, sir.  All critical
  subcommands are protected, Captain."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "I do not entirely understand, sir.  As a Vulcan, Ambassador
Spock would  simply see death as the logical result of his father's
illness." Picard: "It's never quite that simple, not even for a Vulcan.
 Certainly not for  Spock, who is half-human.  Years spent in conflict.
 And now the chance to  resolve those differences is gone."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data: "If I may make a supposition.  I do not believe his message was intended
  to express fatigue, but to suggest a course of action."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "I have clearly determined Pardek's routine.  On days when the Senate is
  not in session, he invariably comes to this section at the medium hour."
Picard: "Very well, let's um, sample the local cuisine, shall we?"
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data: "I have good news.  Keiko has made a decision designed to increase her
  happiness.  She has cancelled the wedding."
 -- "Data's Day", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "I have often wondered what it must be like to have one's mouth...water
in
  anticipation of the arrival of a confection.  Or to feel the pleasure I have
  observed in humans as they consume it."
Timothy: "You sound like you don't want to be an android."
Data: "I am an android.  That will never change."
Timothy: "But if you could change, would you?"
Data: "I have often wished to be human.  I have studied people carefully, in
  order to more closely approximate human behavior."
Timothy: "Why?  We're stronger and smarter than humans.  We can do more than
  they can."
Data: "I cannot take pride in my abilities.  I cannot take pleasure in my
  accomplishments."
Timothy: "But we never have to feel bad either."
Data: "I would gladly risk feeling bad at times, if it also meant that I could
  ...taste my dessert."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "I hope I did not do anything unbecoming a Starfleet officer."
Riker: "Does wrestling a Klingon targ ring a bell?"
 -- "The Schizoid Man", Stardate unknown
%%
Data, I'm only going to tell you this just once. It never happened.
 -- Yar to Data, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
Data: "Initiating first neural link."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Intriguing.  You have devised a completely unanticipated response to a
  classic attack.  You will checkmate my king in seven moves."
Troi: "Data, chess isn't just a game of plays and gambits.  It's a game of
  intuition."
Data: "Hmm."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data is a lot like humans:   It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data,
 divorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn't do is die.  It has to be
 killed.
 -- Arthur Miller
%%
Data is a physical representation of a dream, an idea conceived by the
  mind of a man. His purpose? To serve human needs and interests. He is
  a collection of neural nets and heuristic algorithms. His responses are
  dictated by an elaborate software program written BY a MAN. The hardware
  was built by a MAN. And this MAN has turned him off. Pinnochio is
  broken, the strings have been cut.
 -- Riker, "The Measure of a Man", stardate 42523.7
%%
Data is a toaster.
 -- Capt. Louvois, "The Measure of a Man", stardate 42523.7
%%
Data is not information, Information is not knowledge, Knowledge is
not understanding, Understanding is not wisdom.
 -- Cliff Stoll & Gary Schubert
%%
Data: "Is that satisfactory?"
Timothy: "It's perfect."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data, I thought you were dead. No, sir, I rebooted..
%%
Data: "It is Captain Picard himself who has somehow managed to intiate
contact."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "It is clear the Borg are either unwilling or unable to terminate their
  subspace links."
Beverly: "*That* might be their Achille's heel, Captain...their
  interdependency."
Riker: "What do you mean, Doctor?"
Beverly: "He is part of their collective consciousness now.  Cutting him off
  would be like asking us to disconnect an arm or a foot.  We can't do it."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "It is perplexing to me that the Ullians' ability to retrieve
memory is so
  highly prized.  If an event were important enough to be recovered, why would
  it have been forgotten?"
LaForge: "Well, it's not quite the same for us as it is for you, Data.  You
  record every second of every moment of your life."
Data: "That is correct."
LaForge: "And then if you want to recall anyone of those moments, you just
  access the proper memory circuit."
Data: "My understanding of the human brain suggests the process is the same for
  you.  Each memory is encoded in chains of molecules.  If you want to retrieve
  it you simply access the proper RNA sequence."
LaForge: "Yeah, that's true."
Data: "Then in what way is it different?"
LaForge: "Sometimes there are memories we just can't access at the spur of the
  moment.  For instance, I have no recollection of how I'd spent my last
  birthday.  Birthdays are important occasions, and you would think that I
  remember how I spent the day.  Right now, I can't even remember...where I
  was."
 -- "Violations", Stardate 45429.3
%%
Data: "It IS the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Captain"
%%
Data: "I will endeavor to speed up the process, sir."
 -- "Relics", Stardate Unknown
%%
Data: "I would be chasing an untamed armathoid without cause."
Beverly: "A wild goose chase?"
 -- "Data's Day", Stardate unknown
%%
Data, I would like to have been consulted.
I have not observed anyone else on board consulting you about their
  procreation, Captain.
 -- Picard and Data, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
:Datamation: /day`t*-may'sh*n/ n. A magazine that many hackers
   assume all {suit}s read.  Used to question an unbelieved quote,
   as in "Did you read that in "Datamation?""  It used to
   publish something hackishly funny every once in a while, like the
   original paper on {COME FROM} in 1973, and Ed Post's "Real
   Programmers Don't Use Pascal" ten years later, but it has since
   become much more exclusively {suit}-oriented and boring.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
[Data must feel good about seeing Kivas Fajo locked up]
Data: "No, sir...it does not.  I do not have feelings.  I am only an android."
 -- "The Most Toys", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "Neural connection is complete.  I have access to the Borg subspace
  signal.  Processing...processing."
Troi: "Data..."
Data: "Standby.  Processing...processing."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "One Seven Three Four Six Seven Three Two One Four Seven Six
Charlie Three
  Two Seven Eight Nine Seven Seven Seven Six Four Three Tango Seven Three Two
  Victor Seven Three One One Seven Eight Eight Eight Seven Three Two Four Seven
  Six Seven Eight Nine Seven Six Four Three Seven Six Lock."
 -- "Brothers", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "One Sumerian Sunset, made in the traditional style."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data: "Perhaps you should return to your quarters."
Timothy: "I'm fine.  'The servo mechanisms in my...' mouth '...are designed to
  appoximate human movements.'"
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: [Practices yawning]
Timothy: "That is not bad."
Data: "Thank you."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "Proceeding with the final link."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Q, I strongly suggest that you coorperate."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Data: "Q says he has hurt his back."
Beverly: "Uh-huh."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
DAT arrives
frequency notch treachery
people are not fooled
 -- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
DATARY, n.  A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church,
whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words
_Datum Romae_.  He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of
God.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Data: "Second neural connection is confirmed.  I still cannot report any
  significant access."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Shuttle launch confirmed.  Departing Enterprise in exactly three
  seconds."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Sir, drop the shields."
Riker: "That's suicide, Data."
Data: "Captain, *drop* the shields."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "Sir, what command shall I attempt to plant?"
Riker: "Something straightforward, like 'Disarm your weapons systems.'"
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "Starfleet reports it has engaged the Borg at Wolf-359, sir."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44001.4
%%
Data: "Temperature in the reaction chamber...has returned to normal."
 -- "True Q", Stardate 46192.3
%%
Data: "That is part of my dilemma.  I have the curiosity of humans, but there
  are questions that I will never have the questions to.  What it is like to
  laugh, or cry, or to experience any human emotions."
Q: "Hm.  Well, if you ask me, these human emotions are not what they're cracked
  up to be."
Data: "Hm."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Data: "The captain and many of the crew are not yet convinced he is truly
  human."
Guinan: "Really?"
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Data: "The human race has an enduring desire for knowledge.  And for new
  opportunities to improve itself."
Q: "Well, there's certainly room for improvement.  But the truth is, Data,
  they're a minor species in the grand scheme, not worth your envy."
Data: "Oh, I do not feel envy."
Q: "Well that's good."
Data: "I feel nothing at all."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Data: "There is another possibility.  Perhaps my origin is unique.
 In that case
  I am alone."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data: "There may be a relationship between humor and sex which I am not aware
  of."
 -- "Data's Day", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "These quarters were obviously intended for one crewman, sir.  There is
  but a single sleeping space."
Picard: "I'm sure the Klingons found it amusing to put us in here together."
Data: "Since I do not require sleep, I propose you take the...shelf, sir.  I am
  content to stand."
Picard: "Very well, Mister Data, thank you."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Data: "This vessel is called the 'Enterprise'.  We are part of an organization
  called 'The United Federation Of Planets'."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data: "Throughout the ages, from Keats to Giorchamo, poets have composed
'odes'  to individuals who have had a profound effect upon their lives.
 In keeping  with that tradition, I have written my next poem...in
honor of my cat.  I call  it, 'Ode...to Spot'."
 -- "Schisms", Stardate 46
%%
Data: "Timothy, androids do not lie."
Timothy: "It was...me."
Data: "Please explain."
Timothy: "It was me.  I killed them all."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "Timothy, your head movements are counterproductive.  Can you be still?"
Timothy: "But you do it."
Data: "The servo mechanisms in my neck are designed to approximate human
  movements.  I did not realize the effect was so distracting."
Timothy: "I like it."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "Timothy, you understand that you may speak to me about anything
you wish  ...any subject." Timothy: "I understand." Data: "At times,
I too find it...difficult to share my thoughts with others.  I  am
not always confident that I am...expressing myself in a manner which
humans  can comprehend."
 -- "Hero Worship", Stardate 45397.3
%%
Data: "To function aboard a starship, or in any human activity, you
must learn  to perform relationships." Q: "It's so hard." Data: "And
of more immediate importance, is your ability to work within groups."
Q: "I'm not good in groups.  It's difficult to work in a group when
you're  omnipotent."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Data: "We are experiencing a quantum-level oscillation delay."
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
Data: "We are more alike than unlike, my dear Captain.  I have pores, humans
  have pores.  I have fingerprints, humans have fingerprints.  My chemical
  nutrients are like your blood.  If you prick me, do I not...leak?"
 -- "The Naked Now", Stardate unknown
%%
Data: "We are through the perimeter, sir."
Riker: "That was too easy."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data, we have 8 or 9 minutes at most, can you finish by then?
No, this will take slightly more time than we have, sir.
 -- Riker and Data, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
Data: "We would also need to communicate with the Enterprise in Sector 2-13."
K'Vada: "You do, and the Romulans would instantly know our cooridinates!"
Data: "Using conventional means that would be true.  However, I suggest we
  piggyback our signal on Romulan subspace transmission."
K'Vada: "'Piggyback'?"
Data: "A human metaphor, pardon me."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate Unknown
%%
Data: "We would use a Romulan signal as a carrier for our own, thus disguising
  its origin."
K'Vada: "It will work?"
Data: "I believe it would.  During the last hour, I have conducted a systematic
  review of the entire Romulan subspace grid.  I have compared my findings with
  the specifications of your own transmission array.  They appear to be
  compatible."
K'Vada: "Cha."
Data: "Thank you for your coorporation."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate Unknown
%%
Data: "What is causing the increased neural activity is unclear."
Troi: "No it's not.  It's him!  It's Picard!"
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Data: "You are a challenging opponent, Counselor."
Troi: "Thanks.  But don't think a compliment's going to get you out of our bet.
  You owe me one Sumerian Sunset made in the *traditional style*...as you can
  only make it, Data."
Data: "I will honor our agreement."
 -- "Conundrum", Stardate 45494.2
%%
Data: "You are...half-human?"
Spock: "Yes."
Data: "Yet you have chosen a Vulcan way of life."
Spock: "I have."
Data: "In effect, you have abandoned what I have sought...all my life."
 -- "Unification II", Stardate 45245.8
%%
Data: "You know that I cannot grieve for you, sir."
Soong: "You will...in your own way."
 -- "Brothers", Stardate unknown
%%
Data, you're circling the room like a buzzard.
 -- Picard, "Haven", stardate 41294.5
%%
Dating is hard on guys. Guys just got really good lying about how many
 women they have had; now they have to lie about how many women they haven't
 had.
 -- Diane Ford
%%
Dating processes are dependent on the analysis of rocks.
%%
Daub yourself with honey and you'll be covered with flies.
%%
:DAU: /dow/ [German Fidonet] n. German acronym for D"ummster
   Anzunehmender User (stupidest imaginable user).  From the
   engineering-slang GAU for Gr"osster Anzunehmender Unfall, worst
   foreseeable accident, esp. of a LNG tank farm plant or something
   with similarly disastrous consequences.  In popular German, GAU is
   used only to refer to worst-case nuclear acidents such as a core
   meltdown. See {cretin}, {fool}, {loser} and {weasel}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DAUF    Delete All Useless Files[you trust a computer THAT far?]
%%
Daughter of Jove, relentless power,
  Thou tamer of the human breast,
Whose iron scourge and tort'ring hour
  The bad affright, afflict the best!
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Hymn to Adversity
%%
Dave?   Dave??   Dave's not here.
%%
"Dave, put those Windows disks down....Dave...DAVE!"
 -- Hal 9000
%%
Dave Sim appears in dark glasses and talks like
 he's been up for three days doing God knows what,
 which is kind of how you like to think of Dave
 Sim.
 -- Rob Rodi
%%
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my
  judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page.
George Will:  I don't think astrology belongs even on the comic pages.
  The comics are making no truth claim.
Brinkley:  Where would you put it?
Will:  I wouldn't put it in the newspaper.  I think it's transparent rubbish.
  It's a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the
  sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe.  We are
  not the center of the universe, and it doesn't care.  The star's alignment
  at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish.  It is not funny to
  have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons.
Sam Donaldson:  This isn't something new.  Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn
  in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars
  said it was a propitious time.
Will:  They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities.  They could apply to
  anyone and anything.
Brinkley:  When is the exact moment [of birth]?  I don't think the nurse is
  standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad.
Donaldson:  If we're making decisions based on the stars -- that's a cockamamie
  thing.  People want to know.
 -- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988,
 -- excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan
%%
David: "Every time we have dealings with Starfleet I get nervous.
 We are  dealing with something that could be perverted into a dreadful
weapon.  Remember that overgrown boy scout you used to hang around
with?  That's  exactly the kind of man that'll--" Carol: "Listen kiddo,
Jim Kirk was many things, but he was *never* a boy scout."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
David: "He killed everybody we left behind!"
Carol: "Oh of course he didn't.  David, you're just making this harder."
Terrell: "I'm afraid even it's harder than you think, doctor.
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
David: "I knew it, you son of a bitch!"
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
David: "I've tried warning you before.  Scientists have always been
pawns of the
  military!"
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
David: "I was wrong about you, and I'm sorry."
Kirk: "Is that what you came here to say?"
David: "Mainly.  And also, that I'm proud...very proud...to be your son."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
David Letterman said that a recent survey showed that 25% of all
New Yorkers had seen a dead person while living in the city,
and what's more, 60% of of them would pay to see it again.
%%
David: "Lieutenant Saavik was right.  You never have faced death."
Kirk: "No, not like this.  I haven't faced death.  I've cheated death.  I've
  tricked my way around death, and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity.
  I know nothing."
David: "You knew enough, to tell Saavik that how we face death is at least as
  important as how we face life."
Kirk: "Just words."
David: "But good words.  That's where ideas begin.  Maybe you should listen to
  them."
 -- "STII:TWOK", Stardate 8130.4
%%
David Merrick, displaying his sneaky knack for extending the life of a
production beyond the reasonable expectations of the playwright's mother.
 -- Walter Kerr
%%
David therefore departed thence and escaped to the cave Adullam.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Samuel xxii, 1
%%
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
%%
Davies: And what do you do for a living?
 Listener: I'm a freelance writer.
 Davies: Really?  Who do you work for?
 Listener: Er... Myself.
%%
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
%%
DAWN, n.  The time when men of reason go to bed.  Certain old men
prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk
with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They then
point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
%%
DAY 4. THE HUM OF THE HARD DRIVE LULLS ME TO SLEEP
AND WAKES ME IN THE MORNING. I BEGIN TO WONDER WHETHER
I WILL EVER MAKE IT OUT OF KEN'S .SIG.
%%
DAY, n.  A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.  This period
is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day
improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter
consecrated to the other sort.  These two kinds of social activity
overlap.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%%
Days of absence, sad and dreary,
  Clothed in sorrow's dark array,--
Days of absence, I am weary:
  She I love is far away.
 -- Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778)
 -- Day of Absence
%%
Days that need borrow
No part of their good morrow
From a fore-spent night of sorrow.
 -- Richard Crashaw (c. 1616-1650)
 -- Wishes to his Supposed Mistress
%%
Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night showeth knowledge.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xix, 2
%%
dBase is the non-programming language in which non-
programmers write non-programs
%%
DB      Drop Bits
%%
DBL     Desegregate Bus Lines
%%
%DBM-F-DBNFG, database access impaired by reverse disk spin
%%
%DBM-F-DELDBBCK, database deleted during abnormal termination of backup
%%
%DBMS-E-SCHEMABCKWD, database schema reads backwards
%%
DBR     Debase Register
%%
DBZ     Divide By Zero
%%
DCAD    Dump Core And Die
%%
DCD     Drop Cards Double
%%
DC      Degauss core
%%
DC Divide and Conquer
%%
DCGC    Dump Confusing Garbage to Console
%%
DCI     Disk Crash Immediate
%%
%DCL-BAD-MEM, bad memory
VMS-F-PUDDEARS, pudding between the ears
%%
         <'D  /    C /
          ()-^ --+-\\     L'epigramme est un jeu d'escrime.
         / >      | \
 -- Antoine Louis Le Brun
%%
DCON    Disable CONsole
%%
:D. C. Power Lab: n. The former site of {{SAIL}}.  Hackers thought
   this was very funny because the obvious connection to electrical
   engineering was nonexistent -- the lab was named for a Donald C.
   Power.  Compare {Marginal Hacks}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DCR     Double precision CRash
%%
DCT     Drop Cards Triple
%%
DCWPDGD Drink Coffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk
%%
DDC     Dally During Calculations
%%
:dd: /dee-dee/ [UNIX: from IBM {JCL}] vt. Equivalent to
   {cat} or {BLT}.  Originally the name of a UNIX copy command
   with special options suitable for block-oriented devices; it was
   often used in heavy-handed system maintenance, as in "Let's
   `dd' the root partition onto a tape, then use the boot PROM to
   load it back on to a new disk".  The UNIX `dd(1)' was
   designed with a weird, distinctly non-UNIXy keyword option syntax
   reminiscent of IBM System/360 JCL (which had an elaborate DD
   `Dataset Definition' specification for I/O devices); though the
   command filled a need, the interface design was clearly a prank.
   The jargon usage is now very rare outside UNIX sites and now nearly
   obsolete even there, as `dd(1)' has been {deprecated} for a
   long time (though it has no exact replacement).  The term has been
   displaced by {BLT} or simple English `copy'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DD      Destroy Disk
%%
***DD***  <D Heavy-Weight Tribble Lifter.
%%
DD      Drop Disk
%%
DDOA    Drop Dead On Answer
%%
DDS     Delaminate Disk Surface
%%
DDT   Defoliate Directory Trees
%%
DDWB    Deposit Directly in Wastepaper Basket
%%
De-accession euphemisms.
%%
:dead: adj. 1. Non-functional; {down}; {crash}ed.  Especially
   used of hardware.  2. At XEROX PARC, software that is working but
   not undergoing continued development and support.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DEAD, adj.

    Done with the work of breathing; done
    With all the world; the mad race run
    Though to the end; the golden goal
    Attained and found to be a hole!
                                                        Squatol Johnes
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:DEADBEEF: /ded-beef/ n. The hexadecimal word-fill pattern for
   freshly allocated memory (decimal -21524111) under a number of
   IBM environments, including the RS/6000.  As in "Your program is
   DEADBEEF" (meaning gone, aborted, flushed from memory); if you
   start from an odd half-word boundary, of course, you have
   BEEFDEAD.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dead cat brush
 -- "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"
%%
:dead code: n. Routines that can never be accessed because all
   calls to them have been removed, or code that cannot be reached
   because it is guarded by a control structure that provably must
   always transfer control somewhere else.  The presence of dead code
   may reveal either logical errors due to alterations in the program
   or significant changes in the assumptions and environment of the
   program (see also {software rot}); a good compiler should report
   dead code so a maintainer can think about what it means.
   (Sometimes it simply means that an *extremely* defensive
   programmer has inserted {can't happen} tests which really can't
   happen -- yet.)  Syn. {grunge}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dead end crawl.
%%
Dead, for a ducat, dead!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Dead, huh?  Well, that's one less thing.
 -- Beverly
%%
Dead lizards protect against a cockatrice.
%%
:deadlock: n. 1. [techspeak] A situation wherein two or more
   processes are unable to proceed because each is waiting for one of
   the others to do something.  A common example is a program
   communicating to a server, which may find itself waiting for output
   from the server before sending anything more to it, while the
   server is similarly waiting for more input from the controlling
   program before outputting anything.  (It is reported that this
   particular flavor of deadlock is sometimes called a `starvation
   deadlock', though the term `starvation' is more properly used for
   situations where a program can never run simply because it never
   gets high enough priority.  Another common flavor is
   `constipation', in which each process is trying to send stuff to
   the other but all buffers are full because nobody is reading
   anything.)  See {deadly embrace}.  2. Also used of deadlock-like
   interactions between humans, as when two people meet in a narrow
   corridor, and each tries to be polite by moving aside to let the
   other pass, but they end up swaying from side to side without
   making any progress because they always move the same way at the
   same time.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:deadly embrace: n. Same as {deadlock}, though usually used only when
   exactly two processes are involved.  This is the more popular term in
   Europe, while {deadlock} predominates in the United States.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Deadly ninja throwing button
%%
deadman: climber (male) who forgets to knot either end of a rappel rope.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
"Dead?  No excuse for laying off work."
 -- God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson), in TIME BANDITS
%%
DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU ARE COMING WITH ME.
 -- ROBOCOP
%%
Dead people are cool.
%%
DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER:     Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN:    I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:     Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN:    I can't.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
Dead puppies aren't much fun.
%%
Deadwood. Nineteenth Century Earth. The Ancient West.
%%
Dealer prep and options extra.
%%
Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also
 easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
%%
Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.
 -- Finagle's Law of Government Contracting
%%
Deanna is just the woman to bring some meaning to your sorry existence.
  If you're smart enough to take it. I doubt that you are.
 -- Riker to Devinoni Rai, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
Deanna tries to read my mind and sees taglines.
%%
Deanna tries to read Picard's mind and sees Pontiac.
%%
  Dear as remember'd kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feign'd
On lips that are for others; deep as love,--
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret.
Oh death in life, the days that are no more!
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Princess, Part iv, Line 36
%%
Dear as the light that visits these sad eyes;
Dear as the ruddy drops that warm my heart.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Bard, I, 3, Line 12
%%
Dear as the vital warmth that feeds my life;
Dear as these eyes, that weep in fondness o'er thee.
 -- Thomas Otway (1651-1685)
 -- Venice Preserved, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Dear Auntie Em:
Hate you, hate Kansas. Goodbye. I'm taking the dog.
 -- Dorothy
%%
Dear, beauteous death, the jewel of the just!
  Shining nowhere but in the dark;
What mysteries do lie beyond thy dust,
  Could man outlook that mark!
 -- Henry Vaughan (1621-1695)
 -- They are all gone
%%
 Dear Caller:  As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is
 shining for a change.  Little children are cavorting in the
 park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing
 practically nude.  So, did you really think I was going to stick
 around this dump?
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Dear common flower, that grow'st beside the way,
Fringing the dusty road with harmless gold.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- To the Dandelion
%%
"Dear Doctor Science: Back in B.C., when they
 counted the years backwards, did they count
 the months and days backwards, too?"
"Your ignorance appalls me."
 -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
%%
Dear Editor: I just read in your paper that a little old lady was bitten by
 a black widow spider when she picked up the paper off the front porch. This
 came as nothing short of a surprise to me. Not the fact that she was bitten
 by a black widow spider, mind you, but that the paper was on the front
 porch. A Subscriber....
%%
"Dear Emily --- BINGO!!"
 -- From STRAY TOASTERS
%%
Dear friend, all theory is gray,
And green the golden tree of life.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), Faust
%%
Dear God: Enclosed please find Rube Goldberg. Now that you've got him, what
 are you going to do with him?
 -- Written on grave
%%
Dear God, make me a good boy, but it's all right with me if you'd
like to take your time about it.
%%
Dear Lord:
    I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear On
the other hand, again.
%%
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee
for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no
doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable
of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-
like compassion.  Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it.
Please give our respects to its family...
 -- Berke Breathed, Bloom Country Babylon
%%
Dear Lord Jesus, this can't be happenin' man, this isn't happenin...
 -- Hudson, "Aliens"
%%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
        Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
        But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
 -- Ansel Adams
%%
Dear Mary, We all knew you had it in you.
 -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967),
 -- in a telegram sent after a much-publicized pregnancy
%%
Dear Melanie:
If I don't get that material for my new dress, it's curtains.
 -- Scarlett
%%
Dear Miss Manners --
Is it proper for a gentleman to compliment a lady on her tattoo?
SAYINGS
%%
Dear Miss Manners:
    My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
    For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this
principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
believes that is.
%%
Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's
saliva from your face.
Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva
on your face ...
 -- Miss Manners
%%
DEAR MISS MANNERS -- When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat,
   is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or
   eighths on the plate?
 GENTLE READER -- Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered,
   much less eighthed. They are only being nice.
%%
Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, Part
of this complete breakfast.    The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
Froot Loops or Lucky Charms, and they always show it sitting on a
table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
says: Part of this complete breakfast.        Don't that really mean,
Adjacent to this complete breakfast, or On the same table as this
complete breakfast?      And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
dead bat?

Answer: Yes.
 -- Dave Barry, Tips for Writer's
%%
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
signs to alert the reader than an S is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S.    Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in TRY OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY OUR HOT DOG'S.
 -- Dave Barry, Tips for Writer's
%%
Dear Mr. Fantasy, play us a tune,
 something to make us all happy.
 Do anything, take us out of this gloom.
 Sing a song, play guitar, make it snappy.
%%
Dear Mr. President:  There are too many states.  Please eliminate three.  I am
 not a crackpot.
 -- Abraham "Grandpa" Simpson
%%
Dear Mr. Seldes:   I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?
 -- George Seldes, The Great Quotations
%%
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka:  Words cannot express the deep
 personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was
 killed, wounded, or reported missing in action
 -- Joseph Heller, Catch-22
%%
Dear necrophiliacs
   We love you.
 -- The Grateful Dead
%%
Dear, never forget one little point: It's my business. You just work here.
 -- Elizabeth Arden (to her husband)
%%
Death aims with fouler spite
At fairer marks.
 -- Francis Quarles (1592-1644)
 -- Divine Poems (ed. 1669)
%%
Death, as the Psalmist saith, is certain to all; all shall die. How
a good yoke of bullocks at Stamford fair?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Death,--a stopping of impressions through the senses, and of the pulling
of the cords of motion, and of the ways of thought, and of service
to the flesh.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, vi, 28
%%
Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.
%%
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
 Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so.
 -- John Donne (1572-1631), "Death, be not proud"
%%
Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave.
 -- Bishop Hall (1574-1656)
 -- Epistles, Dec, iii, Ep, 2
%%
Death calls ye to the crowd of common men.
 -- James Shirley (1596-1666)
 -- Cupid and Death
%%
:death code: n. A routine whose job is to set everything in the
   computer -- registers, memory, flags, everything -- to zero,
   including that portion of memory where it is running; its last act
   is to stomp on its own "store zero" instruction.  Death code
   isn't very useful, but writing it is an interesting hacking
   challenge on architectures where the instruction set makes it
   possible, such as the PDP-8 (it has also been done on the DG Nova).

   Perhaps the ultimate death code is on the TI 990 series, where all
   registers are actually in RAM, and the instruction "store
   immediate 0" has the opcode "0". The PC will immediately wrap
   around core as many times as it can until a user hits HALT.  Any
   empty memory location is death code.  Worse, the manufacturer
   recommended use of this instruction in startup code (which would be
   in ROM and therefore survive).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Death comes to all, but great achievements build a monument which shall endure
until the sun grows cold.
 -- George Fabricius
%%
DEATH
  Death is the ending of life. But do we really know what death
  involves? No, of course not, that's a stupid question. Only a
  completely brainless nerk with an intellect the size of an atom
  would ask a question like that. But in fact, I have recently
  experienced a near-death experience, when I went to Ballarat. On an
  Easter weekend. During an opera festival. (Okay, so it wasn't
  recently except maybe in a universal cosmic historically vague
  sense).
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Death. Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all
  about.  That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
 -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
%%
Death doesn't care as long as you're punctual... and kind to cats.
%%
Death, doom and destruction loom... so have a nice day.
%%
Death forerunneth Love to win
"Sweetest eyes were ever seen."
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- Catarina to Camoens, ix
%%
Death
Grinn'd horrible a ghastly smile, to hear
His famine should be fill'd.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 845
%%
Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats.
%%
Death hath a thousand doors to let out life.
 -- Philip Massinger (1584-1640)
 -- A Very Woman, Act v, Sc. 4
%%
Death hath so many doors to let out life.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- The Customs of the Country, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Death in itself is nothing; but we fear
To be we know not what, we know not where.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Aurengzebe, Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Death is a comingling of eternity with time; in the death of a good
man, eternity is seen looking through time.
 -- Goethe
%%
Death is all in the mind.
Once you're dead you forget all about it.
 -- Jack Storey
%%
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
 -- J.J. Furnas
%%
Death is an acquired trait.
%%
Death is an eternal sleep.
 -- Joseph Fouche (1763-1820)
 -- Inscription placed by his orders on the Gates of the Cemeteries in 1794
%%
Death is an illusion.  Life is a hallucination.  Taxes are objective reality.
%%
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
%%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%%
Death is hereditary.
%%
Death is just around the next door.
%%
Death is just the ultimate expression of radical solipsism.
%%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
 -- R. Geis
%%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%%
Death is Nature's way of saying 'Howdy'.
%%
Death is Nature's way of telling you something's wrong.
%%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
%%
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what
dies inside us while we live.
 -- Norman Cousins
%%
Death is not the worst evil, but rather when we wish to die and cannot.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Electra, 1007
%%
Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%%
Death is something that he and I faced together on a number
of occasions. I always thought that his death and mine
might be linked in some way....
 -- Avon (on Blake)
%%
Death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others.
  Which is why it is not an end.
 -- Yar, "Skin of Evil", stardate 41601.3
%%
Death is the broom I take in my hands to sweep the world clean.
%%
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
%%
Death is the one experience which we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
%%
Death? Life? I never did understand Zen.
%%
Death, like generation, is a secret of Nature.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 5
%%
Death loves a shining mark, a signal blow.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night v, Line 1011
%%
Death opens the gate of fame, and shuts the gate of envy after it; it unlooses
the chain of the captive, and puts the bondsman's task into another man's hand.
 -- Sterne
%%
Death (Other Than Your Own)-  is no excuse. If you can arrange
for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let
you off an hour early, provided all you work is up to date.
 -- Work Rule
%%
Death performs a little bow and goes back on guard.
%%
Death Professions
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 04
%%
Death rides on every passing breeze,
  He lurks in every flower.
 -- Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
 -- At a Funeral, No. i
%%
[ Death scene of Cyrano ]
It is coming... I feel
Already shod with marble... gloved with lead...
Let the old fellow come now! He shall find me
On my feet sword in hand [ He draws his sword. ]
I can see him there he grins
He is looking at my nose that skeleton
What's that you say? Hopeless? Why, very well!
But a man does not fight merely to win!
No no better to know one fights in vain! ...
You there Who are you? A hundred against one
I know them now, my ancient enemies
[ He lunges at the empty air. ]
Falsehood! ... There! There! Prejudice Compromise
Cowardice [ Thrusting ] What's that? No! Surrender? No!
Never never! ... Ah, you too, Vanity!
I know you would overthrow me in the end
No! I fight on! I fight on! I fight on!
 -- Edmond Rostand, spoken by Cyrano de Bergerac
%%
:Death Star: [from the movie "Star Wars"] 1. The AT&T
   corporate logo, which appears on computers sold by AT&T and bears
   an uncanny resemblance to the Death Star in the movie.  This usage
   is particularly common among partisans of {BSD} UNIX, who tend
   to regard the AT&T versions as inferior and AT&T as a bad guy.
   Copies still circulate of a poster printed by Mt. Xinu showing a
   starscape with a space fighter labeled 4.2 BSD streaking away from
   a broken AT&T logo wreathed in flames.  2. AT&T's internal
   magazine, "Focus", uses `death star' to describe an
   incorrectly done AT&T logo in which the inner circle in the top
   left is dark instead of light -- a frequent result of
   dark-on-light logo images.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Death: The penultimate commercial transaction finalized by probate.
 -- Bernard Rosenberg
%%
Death: The unfortunate side effect of attacking a cop.
%%
Death to all fanatics!
%%
 Death to intolerance.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
%%
Death tugs at my ear and says: "Live, I am coming."
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
%%
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
 -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
%%
Death without pain is like a sundae without sprinkles.
%%
Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.
%%
Debate raged and stormed, and a Study was formed,
And they might have been arguing yet,
But a solution was found: "Let's pass the hat 'round,
And see how much money we get."
A collection was made to accumulate aid,
And dwellers in byway and alley
Gave pounds, shillings and pence - not to furnish a fence
But an ambulance down in the valley.
%%
DEBAUCHEE, n.  One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has
had the misfortune to overtake it.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DEB     Disk Eject Both
%%
DEBT, n.  An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-
driver.

    As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
    Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
    Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
    Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
    So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
    Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
    Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
    And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
                                                        Barlow S. Vode
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Debugger
 a tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Debugger - de bloke dat sold us dis system.
%%
Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged
 about forever.
 -- button at the Boston Computer Museum
%%
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
%%
DEBUSSY, CLAUDE ACHILLE (1862-1918)
  French composer/performer. His confrontational politics and total
  scorn for the status quo led many to believe that this pioneering
  hardcore performer was the only punk act to be on a par with the
  Sex Pistols. Debussy's frenetic rave-ups offer little more than a
  cluttered cacophony of speed and noise.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
DEC achieved this by an aggresive design that uses a lower-than-usual
voltage (3.5V), unusually thick metal layers in a three-layer design,
and very high power consumption (30 watts---one DEC engineer, in
response to a question about whether this chip would be suitable for
palmtops, replied that it might be more suited for building a toaster
oven).
 -- Matthew Smosna and Robert B. K. Dewar, Analyzing
Alpha's Architecture, _Open_Systems_Today_

I see your point. And raise you a line
 -- Elliot Smorodinsky
%%
Decade Blending:
 In clothing: the indiscriminate combination of two or more
items from varios decades to create a personal mood: Sheila = Mary
Quant earrings (1960s) + cork wedgie platform shoes (1970s) + black
leather jacket (1950s and 1980s).
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Decadence - more than just a way of life.
%%
Decadent rodent, we will bury you.
 -- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
%%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Kinda like kissing your sister.
 -- Bob Irwin ([e-mail])
%%
:decay: [from nuclear physics] n.,vi. An automatic conversion which
   is applied to most array-valued expressions in {C}; they `decay
   into' pointer-valued expressions pointing to the array's first
   element.  This term is borderline techspeak, but is not used in the
   official standard for the language.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Decay, inherent in all component things.
 -- Buddha-last words
%%
DEC     Decompile Executable Code
%%
:dec: /dek/ v. Verbal (and only rarely written) shorthand for
   decrement, i.e. `decrease by one'.  Especially used by
   assembly programmers, as many assembly languages have a `dec'
   mnemonic.  Antonym: {inc}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Deceit in the conduct of war outweighs valor and is worthy of merit.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
Deceive boys with toys, but men with oaths.
%%
Deceive the rich and powerful if you will, but don't insult them.
 -- Japanese Proverb
%%
Deception Experiment: An experiment in which the researcher is pleased
to believe that the true nature of the situation is unknown to the
participants. Typically the only parties deceived are the funding
agency and the journal editor.
%%
:DEChead: /dek'hed/ n. 1. A {DEC} {field servoid}.  Not flattering.
   2. [from `deadhead'] A Grateful Dead fan working at DEC.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Decide what you want to be- pay the price and be what you want to be.
 -- John A. Widstoe
%%
Deciding whom you marry is the most important decision you'll ever make.
%%
Decision is a sharp knife that cuts clean and straight; indecision
is a dull one that hacks and tears and leaves ragged edges behind it.
 -- Gordon Graham
%%
Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form
a task force
before the music stopped.
%%
Decision of character is one of the most important of human qualities,
philosophically considered. Speculation, knowledge, is not the chief
end of man; it is action.
 -- Burnap
%%
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
            Assoc.
%%
Decisions terminate panic.
%%
Decker: "Of course...we all create God in our own image!"
 -- "ST:TMP", Stardate 1513.8.
%%
:deckle: /dek'l/ [from dec- and {nybble}; the original
   spelling seems to have been `decle'] n. Two {nickle}s;
   10 bits.  Reported among developers for Mattel's GI 1600 (the
   Intellivision games processor), a chip with 16-bit-wide RAM but
   10-bit-wide ROM.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
        Deck Us All With Boston Charlie

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
 -- Walt Kelly
%%
declare foo as pointer to function returning pointer to function
returning pointer to array 3 of pointer to function returning
pointer to array 4 of array 2 of pointer to pointer to function
returning pointer to array 5 of pointer to pointer to char
char **(*(**(*(*(*(*(*foo)())())[3])())[4][2])())[5]

To turn the above into a cast, remove the name `foo' and add ():

(char **(*(**(*(*(*(*(*)())())[3])())[4][2])())[5])
%%
:DEC: n. Digital Equipment Corporation.  Before the {killer
   micro} revolution of the late 1980s, hackerdom was closely
   symbiotic with DEC's pioneering timesharing machines.  The first of
   the group of cultures described by this lexicon nucleated around
   the PDP-1 (see {TMRC}.  Subsequently, the PDP-6, {PDP-10},
   {PDP-20}, PDP-11 and {VAX} were all foci of large and
   important hackerdoms, and DEC machines long dominated the ARPANET
   and Internet machine population.  DEC was the technological leader
   of the minicomputer era (roughly 1967 to 1987), but its failure to
   embrace microcomputers and UNIX early cost it heavily in profits
   and prestige after {silicon} got cheap.  However, the
   microprocessor design tradition owes a heavy debt to the PDP-11
   instruction set, and every one of the major general-purpose
   microcomputer OSs so far (CP/M, MS-DOS, UNIX, OS/2) were either
   genetically descended from a DEC OS, or incubated on DEC hardware,
   or both.  Accordingly, DEC is still regarded with a certain wry
   affection even among many hackers too young to have grown up on DEC
   machines.  The contrast with {IBM} is instructive.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Decouple - De man and him missus.
%%
Decreased business base increases overhead.
So does increased business base.
 -- Augustine's Law Number VII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
:DEC Wars: n. A 1983 {USENET} posting by Alan Hastings and Steve
   Tarr spoofing the "Star Wars" movies in hackish terms.  Some
   years later, ESR (disappointed by Hastings and Tarr's failure to
   exploit a great premise more thoroughly) posted a
   3-times-longer complete rewrite called "UNIX WARS"; the
   two are often confused.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:DED: /D-E-D/ n.  Dark-Emitting Diode (that is, a burned-out
   LED).  Compare {SED}, {LER}, {write-only memory}.  In the
   early 1970s both Signetics and Texas instruments released DED spec
   sheets as {AFJ}s (suggested uses included "as a power-off
   indicator").
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dedication is not what others expect of you, it is what you can give to others.
%%
Deeds, not stones, are the true monuments of the great.
 -- John L. Motley
%%
Deeds, not words.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- The Lover's Progress, Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Deem not life a thing of consequence. For look at the yawning void
of the future, and at that other limitless space, the past.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 50
%%
Deep calleth unto deep.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xlii, 7
%%
Deep down inside, I'm very outgoing.
 -- Anne Poncet-Montange
%%
Deep down, most everyone is fairly superficial.
%%
Deep down, you don't understand me.
%%
Deeper than did ever plummet sound
I 'll drown my book.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Deeper than e'er plummet sounded.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Deep in the nature of all these noble races there lurks unmistakably the beast
of prey, the blond beast, lustfully roving in search of booty and victory.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
Deep is a word like theory or semantic -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things.        It's one thing to be able to say I've got a
theory, quite another to say I've got a semantic theory, but, ah,
those who can claim I've got a deep semantic theory, they are truly
blessed.
 -- Randy Davis
%%
:deep magic: [poss. from C. S. Lewis's "Narnia" books] n. An
   awesomely arcane technique central to a program or system, esp. one
   neither generally published nor available to hackers at large (compare
   {black art}); one that could only have been composed by a true
   {wizard}.  Compiler optimization techniques and many aspects of
   {OS} design used to be {deep magic}; many techniques in
   cryptography, signal processing, graphics, and AI still are.
   Compare {heavy wizardry}.  Esp. found in comments of the form
   "Deep magic begins here...".  Compare {voodoo programming}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:deep space: n. 1. Describes the notional location of any program
   that has gone {off the trolley}.  Esp. used of programs that
   just sit there silently grinding long after either failure or some
   output is expected.  "Uh oh.  I should have gotten a prompt ten
   seconds ago.  The program's in deep space somewhere." Compare
   {buzz}, {catatonic}, {hyperspace}.  2. The metaphorical
   location of a human so dazed and/or confused or caught up in some
   esoteric form of {bogosity} that he or she no longer responds
   coherently to normal communication.  Compare {page out}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Deep Space Nine:  The Third Coming of Star Trek
%%
Deep vers'd in books, and shallow in himself.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Regained, Book iv, Line 327
%%
Defame, v.t.  To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Default:
De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea
at de next major quake.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Default is more revolutionary than ideals.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
default, n.:
  [Possibly from Black English De fault wid dis system is you,
mon.] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.    Nothing will
come of nothing: speak again. -- King Lear.
 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, The Devil's DP Dictionary
%%
Defeated, but not dismayed- crushed to the earth, but not humiliated- he
seemed to grow more haughty beneath disaster, and to experience a
fierce satisfaction in draining the last dregs of bitterness.
 -- Washington Irving
%%
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
 -- Bill Musselman
%%
DEFENCELESS, adj.  Unable to attack.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
defending Anita Hill/accusing Paula Jones.
 -- Liberal hypocrisy
%%
Defending the truth is not something one does out of a sense of duty or to
allay guilt complexes, but is a reward in itself.
 -- Peter Bechmann
%%
Defend lifestyle by comparing self with animals.
 -- Liberal Rule # 8
%%
Defend your morality by Old Testament passages.
 -- Conservative Rule #8
%%
Defenestrate: to exit a window.
%%
:defenestration: [from the traditional Czechoslovakian method of
   assassinating prime ministers, via SF fandom] n. 1. Proper karmic
   retribution for an incorrigible punster.  "Oh, ghod, that was
   *awful*!"  "Quick! Defenestrate him!"  2. The act of
   exiting a window system in order to get better response time from a
   full-screen program.  This comes from the dictionary meaning of
   `defenestrate', which is to throw something out a window.  3. The
   act of discarding something under the assumption that it will
   improve matters.  "I don't have any disk space left."  "Well,
   why don't you defenestrate that 100 megs worth of old core dumps?"
   4. [proposed] The requirement to support a command-line interface.
   "It has to run on a VT100."  "Curses!  I've been
   defenestrated!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Defense network computers.  New, powerful.  Hooked into everything.
Trusted to run it all.    They say it got smart.  A new order of intelligence.
saw all humans a threat, not just the ones on the other side.  Decided
our fate in a microsecond.
%%
Defer not till to-morrow to be wise,
To-morrow's sun to thee may never rise.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- Letter to Cobham
%%
Deferring: solving a problem by ignoring it.
%%
#define BITCOUNT(x)     (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define BX_(x)          ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)              \
                          - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)                 \
                          - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%%
:defined as: adj. In the role of, usually in an organization-chart
   sense.  "Pete is currently defined as bug prioritizer."  Compare
   {logical}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
#define _DISCLAIMER_ "I am solely responsible for what I say."
%%
#define PWD "Carlisle Barracks, PA"
%%
#define sysop GOD
#define reality NULL
%%
Define UNIVERSE; give two examples. The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours.
%%
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
 -- George F. Burns
%%
Define Your Terms Department: A slight tax increase ($ 300.00 per person).
 A Substantial Tax Cut ($ .30).
%%
Defining and analyzing humour is a pastime of humorless
people.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
Definitely, times have changed. If you flunk out of high school today, you
 will likely have to settle for being just Vice President.
%%
Definite maybe
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Definite possibility
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Definition of a hermaphrodite: a bisexual built for two.
 -- Jeff Daiell
%%
Definition of a prostitute - receiver of swollen goods.
%%
"Definition of mixed emotions: Finding out your
 ex-wife accepted a Kirby Award on your behalf in San Diego."
 -- Dave Sim
%%
Definition of Sys Admin:  "And when he came to the place where
     the wild things are they roared their terrible roars and
     gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes
     and showed their terrible claws till Max ... tamed them
     all with a magic trick..."
 -- Where the Wild Things Are, Sendak
%%
Definition of Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.
%%
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
%%
DEGENERATE, adj.  Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors.
The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it
required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes
of the Trojan war could have raised with ease.  Homer never tires of
sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps
why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of
returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he
would certainly have starved.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DEGRADATION, n.  One of the stages of moral and social progress from
private station to political preferment.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
De gustibus non disputandum est.
%%
:dehose: /dee-hohz/ vt. To clear a {hosed} condition.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DEI     Disk Eject Immediate
%%
DEINOTHERIUM, n.  An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the
Pterodactyl was in fashion.  The latter was a native of Ireland, its
name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man
pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Deity... he's come for me
%%
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head
 like this before.
%%
Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before.

Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before.
%%
Dejeuner, n.  The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.
Variously pronounced.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
De la peau de lion l'ane s'etant vetu
Etoit craint partout a la ronde.
(Dressed in the lion's skin, the ass spread terror far and wide.)
 -- Jean de la Fontaine (1621-1695)
%%
Delay always breeds danger.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap. ii
%%
Delay is preferable to error.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
 -- Parkinson's Law of Delay
%%
Delays created while you wait.
%%
Delays have dangerous ends.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Delegates? The last time I saw something like that, it was being served
  on a plate.
 -- Lwaxana Troi about the Antedians, "Man Hunt", stardate 42859.2
%%
DELEGATION, n.  In American politics, an article of merchandise that
comes in sets.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DELETE A FORTUNE!
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like to see
some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to "fortune" with
the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged.
%%
Delete any [movie] footage which includes the idea that war is
not altogether glamorous and noble.
 -- Joseph I. Breen (1890-?), film executive
%%
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related
hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails
dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into
account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to
influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history of
LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can ensue
when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken for a
pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations are required;
with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%%
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which
side it is
buttered on.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Delight and amaze me!
%%
Delightful task! to rear the tender thought,
To teach the young idea how to shoot.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Spring, Line 1149
%%
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart...
%%
:delint: /dee-lint/ v. To modify code to remove problems detected
   when {lint}ing.  Confusingly, this process is also referred to
   as `linting' code.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Delivers in such apt and gracious words
That aged ears play truant at his tales,
And younger hearings are quite ravished;
So sweet and voluble is his discourse.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
 -- Noodle's Rule of Software Development
%%
'Delivery' is the wrong word to describe the childbearing process: Delivery is:
Here's your pizza. Takes thirty minutes or less.  'Exorcism,' I think,
 is more apt: Please! Get the hell out of my
%%
Del Mar: Where poverty is neither a philosophy nor a way of life.
%%
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
 -- David Letterman
%%
:delta: n. 1. [techspeak] A quantitative change, especially a small
   or incremental one (this use is general in physics and
   engineering).  "I just doubled the speed of my program!"  "What
   was the delta on program size?"  "About 30 percent."  (He
   doubled the speed of his program, but increased its size by only 30
   percent.)  2. [UNIX] A {diff}, especially a {diff} stored
   under the set of version-control tools called SCCS (Source Code
   Control System) or RCS (Revision Control System).  3. n. A small
   quantity, but not as small as {epsilon}.  The jargon usage of
   {delta} and {epsilon} stems from the traditional use of these
   letters in mathematics for very small numerical quantities,
   particularly in `epsilon-delta' proofs in limit theory (as in the
   differential calculus).  The term {delta} is often used, once
   {epsilon} has been mentioned, to mean a quantity that is
   slightly bigger than {epsilon} but still very small.  "The cost
   isn't epsilon, but it's delta" means that the cost isn't totally
   negligible, but it is nevertheless very small.  Common
   constructions include `within delta of ---', `within epsilon of
 -- --': that is, `close to' and `even closer to'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.
 -- David Letterman
%%
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
 -- David Letterman
%%
DELUGE, n.  A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away
the sins (and sinners) of the world.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DELUSION, n.  The father of a most respectable family, comprising
Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many
other goodly sons and daughters.

    All hail, Delusion!  Were it not for thee
    The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
    For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
    Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
                                                        Mumfrey Mappel
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's
beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from
drowning them at birth.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
 -- Jane Wagner
%%
Demand the establishment of the government
in its rightful home at Disneyland.
%%
DEM     Disk Eject Memory
%%
:demented: adj. Yet another term of disgust used to describe a
   program.  The connotation in this case is that the program works as
   designed, but the design is bad.  Said, for example, of a program
   that generates large numbers of meaningless error messages,
   implying that it is on the brink of imminent collapse.  Compare
   {wonky}, {bozotic}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
 (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
 Hello.  Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.  (Raspy
 gasp.)  We can't come to the phone right now because we're
 making a couple of adjustments.  (Break a few small twigs; big
 scream.)  Please leave your name and number and we'll get back
 to you as soon as it is humanly possible.  Thank you very much.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
:demigod: n. A hacker with years of experience, a national reputation,
   and a major role in the development of at least one design, tool,
   or game used by or known to more than half of the hacker community.
   To qualify as a genuine demigod, the person must recognizably
   identify with the hacker community and have helped shape it.  Major
   demigods include Ken Thompson and Dennis Ritchie (co-inventors of
   {{UNIX}} and {C}) and Richard M. Stallman (inventor of
   {EMACS}).  In their hearts of hearts, most hackers dream of
   someday becoming demigods themselves, and more than one major
   software project has been driven to completion by the author's
   veiled hopes of apotheosis.  See also {net.god}, {true-hacker}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Demo:
 A method of program testing that tends to isolate numerous
 non-reproducible program behaviors. Fixing said abnormalities is
 difficult because they only appear when the debugging software is not
 loaded, and when severeal potential buyers are watching.
%%
Democracy becomes a government of bullies tempered by editors.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.
%%
Democracy can withstand anything but democrates.
 -- J. Harshaw  1904 -
%%
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees
equality of opportunity.
 -- Irving Kristol
%%
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
 we deserve.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what
the country could do under first-class management.
 -- Senator Soaper
%%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
In democracy, what you get generally
is bad government by a bully, tempered by the pen of several newspaper
editors.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
 -- Man and Superman (1903) Maxims for Revolutionists: Democracy
%%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
 don't think.
%%
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the
man who will get the blame.
 -- Laurence Peter
%%
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser
than one  man. How's that again?  I missed something.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one.
%%
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
%%
Democracy is, by the nature of it, a self-cancelling business: and
gives in the long run a net result of zero.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) Scottish historian
 -- Chartism (1839)
%%
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
%%
Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
%%
Democracy is government by the people with open discussion and free speech.
 This allows those with no ideas to unload their thinking in the most
 tedious and lengthy manner. After this, a vote is taken, and the least
 informed will oppose the most confused. The result, inevitably, will be
 known as model legislation. In time, it will proliferate, and eventually a
 commission will be formed to review what has been done and why it isn't
 working and it will recommend reforms of the previous efforts. All of this
 will be published in various government journals and cause great debate.
 There will be a veritable waterfall of newspaper editorials and Johnny
 Carson will use the whole thing as a part of his monologue. In the end, the
 reforms will be defeated.
%%
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
%%
Democracy is more cruel than wars or tyrants.
 -- Seneca, Epistulae morales ad Lucilium CIV, c. 63
%%
Democracy is not a matter of sentiment, but of foresight. Any system that
doesn't take the long run into account will burn itself out in the short run.
 -- Charles Yost
%%
... democracy is not something you believe in, or a place you hang your hat,
 but it's something you do.  You participate.  If you stop doing it,
 democracy crumbles and falls apart.
 -- Abby Hoffman
%%
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the
majority deserves.
 -- James Dale Davidson
%%
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Democracy is the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the
people.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
 -- Marquis de Flers Robert and Arman de Caillavet
%%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of
the people are right more than half of the time.
 -- E. B. White
%%
Democracy is the theory that the people
know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.
%%
Democracy is wonderful and everyone wants it. You get to say anything you
 like to anyone you chose, as long as you wish. Then you do what you are
 told and pay the price that is demanded. Taxes are the oil that keeps
 democracy rolling without a squeak.
%%
Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means
government by the badly educated.
 -- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
the people.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who
 doesn't grow up can be vice president.
 -- Johnny Carson
%%
Democracy, n.:
A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass
meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn.
%%
Democracy rules 40% OK, 45% NO, 15% Don't know.
%%
Democracy takes time.  Dictatorship is quicker, but too many people get shot.
 -- From the excellent Channel 4 production,
              "A Very British Coup"
%%
Democracy, which is a charming form of government, full of variety and
disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequals alike.
 -- Plato, The Republic. Book VIII. 558
%%
Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Lloyd
 Bentson today said that he would now return to his
 old job as the Grandfather Clock on the Captain
 Kangaroo show.
 -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
%%
Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
%%
Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans
wear theirs.
%%
Democrats keep trying to cut down on their smoking but are not successful.
Neither are Republicans.
%%
Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the
    plans their grandfathers made.
 -- Paul Dickson
%%
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures,
politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after
their parents or grandparents, depending on where the money is.
%%
Democritus said, words are but the shadows of actions.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
Democritus says, "But we know nothing really; for truth lies deep down."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pyrrho, viii
%%
:demo: /de'moh/ [short for `demonstration'] 1. v. To
   demonstrate a product or prototype.  A far more effective way of
   inducing bugs to manifest than any number of {test} runs,
   especially when important people are watching.  2. n. The act of
   demoing.  "I've gotta give a demo of the drool-proof interface;
   how does it work again?"  3. n. Esp. as `demo version', can
   refer either to an early, barely-functional version of a program
   which can be used for demonstration purposes as long as the
   operator uses *exactly* the right commands and skirts its numerous
   bugs, deficiencies, and unimplemented portions, or to a special
   version of a program (frequently with some features crippled) which
   is distributed at little or no cost to the user for enticement
   purposes.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
board.  Especially with  those 14 year-old Valley girls.
%%
:demo mode: [Sun] n. 1. The state of being {heads down} in order
   to finish code in time for a {demo}, usually due yesterday.
   2. A mode in which video games sit by themselves running through a
   portion of the game, also known as `attract mode'.  Some serious
   {app}s have a demo mode they use as a screen saver, or may go
   through a demo mode on startup (for example, the Microsoft Windows
   opening screen -- which lets you impress your neighbors without
   actually having to put up with {Microsloth Windows}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:demon: n. 1. [MIT] A portion of a program that is not invoked
   explicitly, but that lies dormant waiting for some condition(s) to
   occur.  See {daemon}.  The distinction is that demons are
   usually processes within a program, while daemons are usually
   programs running on an operating system.  2. [outside MIT] Often used
   equivalently to {daemon} --- especially in the {{UNIX}} world,
   where the latter spelling and pronunciation is considered mildly
   archaic.

   Demons in sense 1 are particularly common in AI programs.  For
   example, a knowledge-manipulation program might implement inference
   rules as demons.  Whenever a new piece of knowledge was added,
   various demons would activate (which demons depends on the
   particular piece of data) and would create additional pieces of
   knowledge by applying their respective inference rules to the
   original piece.  These new pieces could in turn activate more
   demons as the inferences filtered down through chains of logic.
   Meanwhile, the main program could continue with whatever its
   primary task was.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
%%
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma,
this telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
%%
Demonstrations always crash--the probability of them
crashing goes up exponentially with the number of people
watching.
%%
DeMorgan Rules!
%%
Demosthenes: Demosthenes can do is bend and hold the legs together.
 -- Alexander Woollcott
%%
Demosthenes overcame and rendered more distinct his inarticulate and
stammering pronunciation by speaking with pebbles in his mouth.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Demosthenes
%%
Demosthenes told Phocion, "The Athenians will kill you some day when
they once are in a rage." "And you," said he, "if they are once in
their senses."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Phocion
%%
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Denial -      I'll be f%*ked if I did.
 -- The everyday versatility of the "F" word
%%
Denis Leary is god.  This is from his song Asshole, a great artistic work IMHO.
He just busts into this in the middle of the song.  It's from memory but I
know it's almost exact.
%%
... denn da ist keine Stelle,
die dich nicht sieht. Du musst dein Leben andern.
(... for there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.)
 -- Rainer Maria Rilke, "Archaic Torso of Apollo"
%%
Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo,
Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida,
Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina,
Lily, Arne, Betty, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl,
Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden,
Noel, and Ellen sinned.
%%
DENNIS: Oh, very nice. King, eh!  I expect you've got a palace and fine
        clothes and courtiers and plenty of food.  And how d'you get that?  By
        exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma
        which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
DENNIS: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some
        watery tart threw a sword at you!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Dental offices run on Tandy.
%%
DENTIST, n.  A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,
pulls coins out of your pocket.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that
require a simple yes or no answer.
 -- Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery
%%
Deodorants are dangerous, man. Ever read on deodorant cans: "Caution,
 Contents Highly Inflammable. May Explode." I don't know about you people,
 but I don't want nothin' under my arm that's gonna explode!
 -- Richard Pryor
%%
Deoxyribonucleic acid is an anagram for
I'd barely code Unix 'cc' I/O
%%
Department meeting in 3 minutes.
%%
:depeditate: /dee-ped'*-tayt/ [by (faulty) analogy with
   `decapitate'] vt.  Humorously, to cut off the feet of.  When one is
   using some computer-aided typesetting tools, careless placement of
   text blocks within a page or above a rule can result in chopped-off
   letter descenders.  Such letters are said to have been depeditated.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DEPENDENT, adj.  Reliant upon another's generosity for the support
which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Depend not on fortune, but on conduct.
 -- Publius Syrus
%%
Depend on no man, on no friend, but him who can depend on himself.
He only who acts conscientiously towards himself will act so towards
others, and vice versa.
 -- Lavater
%%
:deprecated: adj. Said of a program or feature that is considered
   obsolescent and in the process of being phased out, usually in
   favor of a specified replacement.  Deprecated features can,
   unfortunately, linger on for many years.  This term appears with
   distressing frequency in standards documents when the committees
   writing the documents realize that large amounts of extant (and
   presumably happily working) code depend on the feature(s) that have
   passed out of favor.  See also {dusty deck}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
%%
Deprived of sight, unable to read, this is perhaps the greatest loss to the
 blind person. I'm blind, but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new
 system known as broil. I'm sorry--I'll just feel that again ...
 -- Peter Cook
%%
Der christliche Entschluss, die Welt h\"asslich und schlecht zu
finden, hat die Walt h\"asslich und schlecht gemacht.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Die fr\"oliche Wissenschaft
(The Christian determination to find the word hideous and bad, has
made the world hideous and bad.)
%%
De-regulating S&Ls won't cost taxpayers $$$$$.
 -- Conservative idea #5
%%
:de-rezz: /dee-rez'/ [from `de-resolve' via the movie
   "Tron"] (also `derez') 1. vi. To disappear or dissolve; the
   image that goes with it is of an object breaking up into raster
   lines and static and then dissolving.  Occasionally used of a
   person who seems to have suddenly `fuzzed out' mentally rather than
   physically.  Usage: extremely silly, also rare.  This verb was
   actually invented as *fictional* hacker jargon, and adopted in
   a spirit of irony by real hackers years after the fact.  2. vt. The
   Macintosh resource decompiler.  On a Macintosh, many program
   structures (including the code itself) are managed in small
   segments of the program file known as `resources'; `Rez' and
   `DeRez' are a pair of utilities for compiling and decompiling
   resource files.  Thus, decompiling a resource is `derezzing'.
   Usage: very common.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Der Gedanke an den Selbstmord ist ein starkes Trostmittel.
%%
Derision -    He f%*ks everything up!
 -- The everyday versatility of the "F" word
%%
Derision Preemption:
 A life-style tactic; the refusal to go out on any sort of
emotional limb so as to avoid mockery from peers. Derision Preemption
is the main goal of Knee-Jerk Irony.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Deriving sustenance from emotion is not unknown in the galaxy.  And fear
  is among the strongest and most violent of the emotions.
 -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
%%
Descartes thought an animal, that couldn't talk,
couldn't think, or so he taught, but to summise,
my cat thinks otherwise.
%%
Descartes thought he was here.
%%
Descended from apes!
My dear, let us hope that it is not true, but if it is,
let us pray that it will not become generally known.
 -- wife of the Bishop of Worcester
%%
Descend in order to meet more decent monsters.
%%
Describe a circle, stroke its back and it turns vicious.
 -- Ionesco
%%
DES     Disk Eject Swapped
%%
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
:deserves to lose: adj. Said of someone who willfully does the
   {Wrong Thing}; humorously, if one uses a feature known to be
   {marginal}.  What is meant is that one deserves the consequences
   of one's {losing} actions.  "Boy, anyone who tries to use
   {mess-dos} deserves to {lose}!" ({{ITS}} fans used to say
   the same thing of {{UNIX}}; many still do.)  See also {screw},
   {chomp}, {bagbiter}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should
have in mind.
%%
Design flaws travel in groups.
%%
Design review
 a process for ensuring you know exactly what it is you won't build
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
DESIGN SIMPLICITY .......... Developed on a shoe string budget
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
Design
 the activity of preparing for a design review
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Design: What you regret not doing later on.
%%
...desire cracks open the gates.  If you're ready it will take you
through.  But nothing lasts forever, time is the destroyer, the wheel
turns again and again, watch out it will take you through.
 -- Starhawk
%%
[Desire] is a perpetual rack, or horsemill, according to Austin, still
going round as in a ring.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subsect. 11
%%
:desk check: n.,v. To {grovel} over hardcopy of source code,
   mentally simulating the control flow; a method of catching bugs.
   No longer common practice in this age of on-screen editing, fast
   compiles, and sophisticated debuggers --- though some maintain
   stoutly that it ought to be.  Compare {eyeball search},
   {vdiff}, {vgrep}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Desk-top publishing: A system of software and hardware enabling users to
create documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and the
intellectual content of a Formica slab.
 -- Stephen Manes
%%
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.
 You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear
 across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.
 Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say,
 "Fred who?"  And you say, "Fred of snakes?"  Then cover your ears, because big
 laughs are coming.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Despatch is the soul of business.
 -- Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
 -- Feb, 5, 1750
%%
Desperation is a highly emotional state of mind.
 -- Kirk, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
%%
:despew: /d*-spyoo'/ [USENET] v. To automatically generate a
   large amount of garbage to the net, esp. from an automated posting
   program gone wild.  See {ARMM}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Despise not any man, and do not spurn any thing. For there is no man
that hath not his hour, no is there any thing that hath not its place.
 -- Rabbi Ben Azai
%%
Despising machines to a man,
The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
   And ride out by night
 In a sheeting of white
To lynch all the robots they can.
 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%%
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief
or dogma.  It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is
counterfeit and what is genuine.  And a recognition of how costly it may
be to fail to do so.  To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in
the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one'w own
allegiances.  To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
 -- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility,"
 -- New York Skeptic
 -- (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988
%%
Despite the fact that meat is made from dead animals ... almost all
 varieties of meat are good enough to be better than vegetables, except
 veal. Veal is very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute
 but boring and expensive ...

 Poultry is like meat, except when you cook it rare. Then it's like
 bird-flavored Jell-O.

 Fish--you have to wonder about a food that everybody agrees is great except
 that sometimes it tastes like what it is ...

 Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their
 children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let
 fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Despite the many repetitions, there seems to be very little basis for the
 rumor that the Moral Majority was at the heart of the international heroin
 market. However, there is a bit more ground for the suggestion that the
 founder, Jerry Falwell, is "on something."
%%
Despots govern by terror. They know that he who fears God fears nothing
else; and, therefore, they eradicate from the mind, through their
Voltaire, the Heloetius, and the rest of that infamous gang, that
only sort of fear that generates true courage.
 -- Burke
%%
DESQview: Better windows.
%%
DESQview: Faster than a Cray (running Windows).
%%
Dessert? I'll take a piece of cherry c.
%%
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
the table.
 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
%%
Destiny is no matter of chance.
It is a matter of choiche:
It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
 -- William Jennings Bryan
%%
Destiny makes relatives; selection makes friends.
%%
DESTINY, n.  A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for
failure.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Destroy everything!
 -- Pirate Captain, The Pirate Planet
%%
Destroy his fib or sophistry--in vain!
The creature 's at his dirty work again.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 91
%%
Destroying property is sometimes a good way to save lives.
 -- Mary Meehan, Anti-Choice Columnist, The National Catholic Register,
        about abortion clinic violence, 10/12/86, as quoted in The Far
     Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
Destroy the thief, my pets!
%%
Destructive Testing Systems   You make it   We break it
Guaranteed!
%%
Detach the saucer, Data. Don't spill the tea.
%%
Details 20 minutes from now on Action Central News, kids.
%%
Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in
the same cold and unemotional manner.  You have attempted to tinge it with
romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story
or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Sherlock Holmes: The Sign of Four"
%%
Deteriorata: Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort
 there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons
 unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of
 those greater than yourself and heed well their advice, even though they be
 turkeys; know what to kiss and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a
 right but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be
 comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite
 the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer
 maintenance ... Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
 would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick
 to your face ... Reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could
 only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe; you have no
 right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the universe is
 laughing behind your back. Therefore make peace with your God whatever you
 conceive him to be--Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin. With all its hopes,
 dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
 Give up.
 -- Tony Hendra
%%
DETERMINATION
The race is not always to the
swift, but to those who keep on running.
%%
Deterministic Chaotic Physicist
%%
DE:  The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology.
     Would you comment on that?
Belenko:  Well, let's talk about aircraft engine lifetime.  When I flew the
   MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours.
DE:  Is that mean-time-between-failure?
Belenko:  No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped.
DE:  You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it?
Belenko:  That is correct.  Overhaul is too expensive.
DE:  That is absurdly low by free world standards.
Belenko:  I know.
 -- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
 -- "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102
%%
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
%%
Detroit is Cleveland without all the glitter.
%%
Detroit made a grand try at persuading the visiting Republicans that
the city is not as crime-ridden as people think. The campaign was
going fine until somebody stole the governor's Lincoln Mark IV limousine.
 -- National Review
%%
Detroit:  Where the weak are killed and eaten.
%%
dev = 0x%x, block = %d, fs = %s
%%
dev = 0x%x, ino = %d, fs = %s
%%
Develop a close, personal hatred for chlorine.  It's bad enough
having to drink it; imagine having to *live* in it.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Develop a passion for learning.  If you do, you will never cease to grow.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%

  Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include SIT,
STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
he travels across the screen.
 -- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
%%
Develop no anxiety concerning those things which are not yet, nor those
 things which were but are no longer.
%%
DEVICEHIGH: Your device driver on drugs.
%%
Device:
Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
device not ready
%%
DEVIL
  A popular character in mythology, commonly blamed by Christians for
  everything from plagues to burnt toast. Of course, if the devil
  ever actually appeared, it would scare these people shitless.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:Devil Book: n. "The Design and Implementation of the 4.3BSD
   UNIX Operating System", by Samuel J. Leffler, Marshall Kirk
   McKusick, Michael J. Karels, and John S. Quarterman (Addison-Wesley
   Publishers, 1989, ISBN 0-201-06196-1) --- the standard reference
   book on the internals of {BSD} UNIX.  So called because the
   cover has a picture depicting a little devil (a visual play on
   {daemon}) in sneakers, holding a pitchfork (referring to one of
   the characteristic features of UNIX, the `fork(2)' system
   call).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Devils can be driven out of the heart by the touch of a hand on a
hand, or a mouth on a mouth.
 -- Tennessee Williams
%%
Devise, wit; write, pen; for I am for whole volumes in folio.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
:/dev/null: /dev-nuhl/ [from the UNIX null device, used as a data
   sink] n. A notional `black hole' in any information space being
   discussed, used, or referred to.  A controversial posting, for
   example, might end "Kudos to [e-mail], flames to
   /dev/null".  See {bit bucket}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:devo: /dee'voh/ [orig. in-house jargon at Symbolics] n. A person in a
   development group.  See also {doco} and {mango}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DEWEY, MELVIL (1851-1931)
  American librarian who invented the Dewey Decimal system for
  categorising books in libraries. Unfortunately, he died long before
  the widespread use of computers, meaning that all the zillions of
  books on this subject have to be squashed into 001.64
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
%%
Dexterity allows you to carry more.
%%
DHTPL   Disk Head Three Point Landing
%%
DIA     Develop Ineffective Address
%%
Diagnosis is like diarrhea, except that you get it in your gnosis instead
of your rear.
 -- "Punch"
%%
DIAGNOSIS, n.  A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's
pulse and purse.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Diagnostics can best be understood in the context of the source code.
%%
Diagnostic: software which runs to completion no matter how broken
the hardware is.
%%
diagnostic -- what you say to an agnostic you really dislike.
%%
Dial-a-Prayer hung up on me.
 -- Jackie Vernon
%%
Dialogue: opposing factions discussing relevant issues. Formerly
called an argument.
 -- Paul Sweeney
%%
Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Diane, it struck me again earlier in this morning. There are two things
    that continue to trouble me and I'm speaking now not only as an agent of
  the bureau, but also as a human being:  What really went on between Marilyn
  Monroe and the Kennedys?  And who really pulled the trigger on JFK?
 -- Special Agent Dale Cooper, from Twin Peaks
%%
diaper seat: article of climbing used by novices who are still learning
self-control.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
DIAPHRAGM, n.  A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest
from disorders of the bowels.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
%%
DIARY, n.  A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can
relate to himself without blushing.

    Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
    All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
    So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
    Erased all entries of his own and cried:
    "I'll judge you by your diary."  Said Hearst:
    "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" --
    Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
    That record from a pocket in his shroud.
    The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
    Each stupid line of which he knew before,
    Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
    On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
    Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
    "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
    You'd never be content this side the tomb --
    For big ideas Heaven has little room,
    And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
    He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
                                                 "The Mad Philosopher"
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dick [Cheney] and I have something in common.  That is that we both
overmarried.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle.
%%
DICKHEAD
  A close relative of the penis brain, dickheads can be found in all
  the major centres of the universe, doing really irritating and
  stupid things. The term "Dickhead" was coined by explorer Sir Jimmy
  Criquet, who had visited the island of Dikhedos, just off Greece.
  There lives a race of people who spend their entire days getting in
  people's way on footpaths, driving in tram lanes, writing articles
  for the Melbourne Agenda, raising money for the IRA and/or Ulster
  Freedom Fighters, voting in support of French Farmers, evicting
  people one week late with rent, etc etc etc.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Dick:  I lost your number....
Lucy:  I work at the sheriff's office!  You could have dialed 911!
 -- Dick Tremayne & Lucy Moran, _Twin Peaks_
%%
:dickless workstation: n. Extremely pejorative hackerism for
   `diskless workstation', a class of botches including the Sun 3/50
   and other machines designed exclusively to network with an
   expensive central disk server.  These combine all the disadvantages
   of time-sharing with all the disadvantages of distributed personal
   computers; typically, they cannot even {boot} themselves without
   help (in the form of some kind of {breath-of-life packet}) from
   the server.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Dick... YOU'RE FIRED!"
*POW* *POW* *POW*
 -- The kind of executive order that REALLY results in termination.
 -- from ROBOCOP
%%
DICTATOR, n.  The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of
despotism to the plague of anarchy.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount.
And the tigers are getting hungry.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
 -- While England Slept (1936)
%%
DICTIONARY
  A book, generally in alphabetical order, which lists the
  definitions of a number of words. It is often postulated that
  persons who are unfamiliar with the spellings of words should refer
  to dictionaries. This is of course bullshit, 'cos if you don't know
  how the word's spelt, how are you going to find it? The people that
  make this sort of suggestion are probably child-molesting Osmond
  fans who enjoy anal sex with kangaroos in the corridors of mental
  hospitals...
      I'm sorry. But it's been bothering me lately.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:dictionary flame: [USENET] n. An attempt to sidetrack a debate
   away from issues by insisting on meanings for key terms that
   presuppose a desired conclusion or smuggle in an implicit premise.
   A common tactic of people who prefer argument over definitions to
   disputes about reality.  Compare {spelling flame}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DICTIONARY, n.  A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth
of a language and making it hard and inelastic.  This dictionary,
however, is a most useful work.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Dictynna, goodman Dull.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
 in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
%%
:diddle: 1. vt. To work with or modify in a not particularly
   serious manner.  "I diddled a copy of {ADVENT} so it didn't
   double-space all the time."  "Let's diddle this piece of code and
   see if the problem goes away."  See {tweak} and {twiddle}.
   2. n. The action or result of diddling.  See also {tweak},
   {twiddle}, {frob}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
 -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
DIDI...  is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Did I Really ....?"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Did I say 2?  I lied.
%%
Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did I SELL OUT yet??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Didja think one tool would change the world? We're a symbol -- the
 whole Star Key experiment... we're a walkin' allegory!"
  "Oh, yeah?  An allegory of what?"
"Of a good guy doin' a good job, no matter what it takes!"
 -- Flyin' Ryan and Steelgrip Starkey
%%
Didling (participial vb.)
 The process of trying to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit,
 and keeping your options open so that when you find out you can allow
 yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all along.
%%
Did not Jupiter transforme himselfe into the shape of Amphitrio to
embrace Alcmaena; into the form of a swan to enjoy Leda; into a Bull
to beguile Io; into a showre of gold to win Danae?
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), Page 93
%%
Did not our heart burn within us while he talked with us?
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke xxiv, 32
%%
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Didn't mean to offend you.
You didn't, yet.
 -- Ensign Mendon and Worf, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
Didn't twenty-five years of Dr. Who teach you not
to trust names like INTEL and ZILOG?
%%
Didn't you hear?  Commentary and Dissent merged and became Dissentary.
 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%%
Didn't your parents have any kids that lived???
%%
Did Qmodem originate in the Q continuum?
%%
Did someone put itching powder in your armor?
%%
Didst thou never hear
That things ill got had ever bad success?
And happy always was it for that son
Whose father for his hoarding went to hell?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Did the Devil really create the world when God wasn't looking?
%%
Did therewith bury in oblivion.
 -- William Browne (1590-1645)
 -- Britannia's Pastorals, Book ii, Song 2
%%
Did they steal your brain, too?
 -- Charles Furnell to Syndi, "No Brain, No Pain", Eerie Indiana
%%
Did thrust as now in others' corn his sickle.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Week, Second Day, Part ii
%%
Did U arrest the 85 yr old lady or just beat her up.
     We just slapped her around a bit... she's getting m/t [medical treatment]
      right now.
 -- LAPD squad-car computer messages, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
Did you all know that there is five constipated men in the bible?

 1)   Caine, he wasn't able
 2)  Moses, he took the tablets
 3)  Solomon, he sat for fourty days
 4)  Samson, he brought the house down
 5)  Baalam, he couldn't move his ass.
%%
Did you ever cast a spell? [yn]
 Did it work? [yn]
Sure it did.
%%
Did you ever feel like the whole world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of
 brown shoes?
 -- George Gobel
%%
Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world
 was a wordprocessor?
%%
Did you ever have one of those days when you just couldn't get rid of a bomb?
 -- Batman, "Batman" TV series
%%
Did you ever have one of those nights where you didn't want to go out ...
 but your hair looked too good to stay home?
 -- Jack Simmons
%%
Did you ever hear of Captain Wattle?
He was all for love, and a little for the bottle.
 -- Charles Dibdin (1745-1814)
 -- Captain Wattle and Miss Roe
%%
Did you ever hear Of the frolic fairies dear? They're a blessed little race,
Peeping up in fancy's face, In the valley, on the hill, By the fountain and
the rill; Laughing out between the leaves That the loving summer weaves.
 -- Mrs. Osgood
%%
Did you ever hear someone say this: "It was more fun than a barrel of
 monkeys"? Did you ever smell a barrel of monkeys?
 -- Steve Bluestein
%%
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
 when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 -- Steve Bluestein
%%
Did you ever realize that Peter O'Toole has a double-phallic name?
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
Did you ever think as a hearse goes by,
 That you might beeee the next to die.
 They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,
 And throw you in about 6 feet deep.
 Then all goes well for about a week,
 Until the coffin begins to leak.
 The worms crawl in..
 The worms crawl out..
 In your stomach and out your mouth..
 They eat your fingers,
 They eat your toes..
 They eat the boogers right out of your nose...
%%
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you
 walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
 -- Sue Murphy
%%
Did you exchange a walk-on part in the world for a lead role in a cage?
 -- David Gilmour
%%
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
 He just adored the platter of little feet...
%%
Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
%%
Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
 wondering if there really is a Dog?
%%
Did you hear about the earthquake committee meeting that was adjourned
by a motion from the floor?
%%
Did you hear about the <ethnic> that went to the airport?
Saw a sign that said 'Airport Left', so he turned around and went home.
%%
Did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?
Yeah, he thought it was diet coke.
%%
Did you hear about the Len Bias Memorial Basketball League?
It's for guys six feet and under.
%%
Did you hear about the logician who got a kidney stone from too much dirty
dancing?  It was diagnosed as a lambada calculus.
%%
Did you hear about the midget who was running away from the Prague Police?
He ran up to a house, knocked on the door and asked the woman who
   opened the door if she would cache a small Czech.
%%
Did you hear about the new building demolition company?
They call themselves "Ediface Wrecks".
%%
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

           ... Seats 500.
%%
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial?
 In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!
%%
Did you hear about the new resturant on the moon?
Nice setting, but not a lot of atmosphere.
%%
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?  He baptized
one and kept the other as a control.
%%
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town
and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?
%%
Did you hear about the snail that was mugged by two tortoises?
When he went down to report the mugging the police officer asked him
if he could describe the event and the snail replied, "I don't know
if I could, it happened so fast."
%%
Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan?
They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns.
%%
Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a
new shampoo?

It's a roll-on.
%%
Did you hear that the Dutch government gave Quayle 12 rare
   Rembrandt etchings?
He's already got four of them colored in.
%%
Did you hear that Woody Allen's girlfriend is pregnant with his next
girlfriend?
%%
Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no? Did you hear the
 joke about the moron who kept saying no? Did you hear the joke about the
 moron who kept saying no?
%%
Did you just crawl over some barbed wire, sir?
No...I just put my elbow in a blob of ice-cream.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Did you know that ACME is an acronym?

 A
 Company that
 Makes
 Everything
%%
Did you know that Arethra Franklin was one of the first network
programmers?  Listen closely to the lyrics of "Respect":

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Tell you what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Open up a TCP
   socket to me
   socket to me
   socket to me
   socket to me...
%%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Did you know that if you were a kangaroo, you couldn't be a mailman?
%%
Did you know that lithium builds up in the fatty tissues of the body?
%%
Did you know that married men live longer than single men? So, if
you want to die a slow death, get married!!!
 -- Dave Maynard
%%
Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him
 on people's pianos.
 -- Victor Borge
%%
Did you know...
 That no-one ever reads these things?
%%
Did you know that rain is the sound of angels flushing?
 -- "Married...With Children"
%%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of Grow a Penis?
%%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%%
"Did you know that there is a million bucks hidden in the house next door?"
"But there is no house next door."
"No? Then let's go build one!"
 -- MARX
%%
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:

     Natasha!   First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
     squirrel.

 -- ihuxw!tommyo
%%
Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow
of Third World babies to make microchips?
 -- THE BADGER
%%
"Did you learn that from captains' school, too?"
  "No.        Rodgers and Hammerstein."
 -- Uhura and Kirk from the STAR TREK comic.
%%
Did you...miss me?
I certainly did. Many was the time I said to myself...'I wish _Percy_
  were here...'
Oh!...
'...being tortured instead of me...'
 -- Percy and Edmund : Chains
%%
Did you miss _me_, my lord?
Um..._Baldrick_, is it?
That's right.
No, not really.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains
%%
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did you not know, then, that to-day Lucullus sups with Lucullus?
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Lucullus
%%
Did you REALLY think you could get away with that?
%%
Did your mother have any children that lived?
%%
Did you see that new bathing suit they have for women now? That thong
 bathing suit? It has that one thin strap up the middle in the middle in the
 back. Puh-leeze! I spend my whole life tryin' to keep my underwear outta
 there, some idiot goes and designs 'em that goes there on purpose.
 -- Diane Ford
%%
Did you understand the music, Yoko, or was it all in vain?
 -- Roger Waters
%%
Did you you know that Saturday Night Live's 'Waynes World' skit is the
   one number one most watched TV comedy in Russia ?
NYET!
%%
:die horribly: v. The software equivalent of {crash and burn},
   and the preferred emphatic form of {die}.  "The converter
   choked on an FF in its input and died horribly".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
 conventional thing to happen to him.
 -- John Barrymore's dying words
%%
Die, my dear doctor?   That's the last thing I shall do.
 -- Lord Palmerston (attrib.), 1865
%%
DIE, n.  The singular of "dice."  We seldom hear the word, because
there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."  At long intervals,
however, some one says:  "The die is cast," which is not true, for it
is cut.  The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet
and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

    A cube of cheese no larger than a die
    May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Die of a rose in aromatic pain.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 200
%%
Die Politik is keine exakte Wissenschaft.

[Politics are not an exact science.]
 -- Otto von Bismark (1815-1898)
%%
Dieting is when the days seem longer and the meals shorter.
%%
DIET: meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee.
In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see
"HEALTH."
 -- Denis Leary from "Are you Man enough?"
%%
:die: v. Syn. {crash}.  Unlike {crash}, which is used
   primarily of hardware, this verb is used of both hardware and
   software.  See also {go flatline}, {casters-up mode}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:diff: /dif/ n. 1. A change listing, especially giving
   differences between (and additions to) source code or documents
   (the term is often used in the plural `diffs').  "Send me your
   diffs for the Jargon File!"  Compare {vdiff}.  2. Specifically,
   such a listing produced by the `diff(1)' command, esp. when
   used as specification input to the `patch(1)' utility (which
   can actually perform the modifications; see {patch}).  This is a
   common method of distributing patches and source updates in the
   UNIX/C world.  3. v. To compare (whether or not by use of automated
   tools on machine-readable files); see also {vdiff},
   {mod}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail.
%%
...difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.  The several sects
perform the office of a common 'censor morum' over each other.  Is uniformity
attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia
%%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%%
Different may mean the same.
%%
Different things happen everywhere all the time.
%%
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage.  The human spirit
is to grow strong by conflict.
 -- William Ellery Channing
%%
Difficulties are things that show what men are.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xxiv
%%
Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.
%%
Difficulties show men what they are.  In case of any difficulty remember
that God has pitted you against a rough antagonist that you may be
a conqueror, and this cannot be without toil.
 -- Epictetus (50-138 AD)
%%
Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.
 -- Seneca (BC 3-65 AD)
%%
Difficulty is a severe instructor, set over us by the supreme ordinance
of a parental guardian and legislator, who knows us better than we
know ourselves; and He loves us better too. He that wrestles with
us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist
is our helper. This amicable conflict with difficulty obliges us
to an intimate acquaintance with our object, and compels us to consider
it in all its relations. It will not suffer us to be superficial.
 -- Burke
%%
DIGESTION, n.  The conversion of victuals into virtues.  When the
process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from
which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies
are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Digging without a shovel is quite impractical. Even with a shovel
progress progress is unlikely.
%%
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
%%
Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build:
They have very large numbers of states. This makes conceiving, describing,
and testing them hard. Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states
than computers do.
 -- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
Digiterata:
AND  WHETHER  OR NOT IT'S CLEAR TO YOU;
AT&T  AND  IBM WILL  BE  OVERCOME   AS THEY  SHOULD.  BE  AT  PEACE  WITH YOUR
COMMODORE;  WHATEVER  YOU  CONCEIVE  IT TO BE.
%%
Digiterata:
AS  FAR AS  POSSIBLE WITHOUT SURRENDER;
MODIFY YOUR SOFTWARE UNTIL IT WORKS THE WAY THE SOFTWARE HOUSE ADVERTISED.
%%
Digiterata:
AVOID  RPG AND FORTRAN HACKERS; THEY'RE A VEXATION OF THE SPIRIT.
%%
Digiterata:
BUT  LET  THIS NOT  BLIND YOU TO WHAT VIRTUE THERE IS; EVEN UNIX GURUS STRIVE
FOR  HIGH  IDEALS;  EVEN  THOUGH  THEIR QUEST  IS FUTILE; THEIR LIFE IS FULL OF
HEROISM. BE HONEST; YOUR COMPUTER KNOWS THE TRUTH.
%%
Digiterata:
ENJOY YOUR ATARI AS WELL AS YOUR APPLE. KEEP  THE FAITH  WITH YOUR SWTP SYSTEM;
HOWEVER HUMBLE; IT IS A REAL ANTIQUE IN THE EVER CHANGING TECHNOLOGIES.
%%
Digiterata:
ESPECIALLY  DO NOT  RUN  EMULATORS; FOR EVEN AN 8 MHZ Z-80  CAN'T IMPERSONATE A
CRAY.  NEITHER BE CYNICAL ABOUT MS-DOS;
FOR IN THE FACE OF ALL TIME IT IS BUT A BUTTERFLY.
%%
Digiterata:
EXERCISE  CAUTION  WHEN  BOOTING  YOUR SYSTEM;  FOR THE FLOPPY DISK IS FULL OF
TRICKERY.
%%
Digiterata:
GO PLACIDLY  AMID THE  BYTES  AND BITS;
AND  REMEMBER WHAT PEACE  THERE  MAY BE IN A POWER FAILURE.
%%
Digiterata:
IF YOU COMPARE  YOUR CODE WITH THAT OF OTHER PROGRAMMERS;  YOU MAY BECOME VAIN
AND  BITTER;  FOR ALWAYS  THERE WILL BE GREATER AND LESSER THAN YOURSELF.
%%
Digiterata:
IN THE END  YOU WILL TRADE THEM ALL FOR TERMINAL;  MODEM; AND ACCESS TO A
MAINFRAME CHANNEL.
%%
Digiterata:
RETAIN BACKUPS TO SHIELD YOU DURING THE RAINS OF WINTER.  BUT  DO NOT  DISTRESS
YOURSELF  WITH IMAGININGS  OF  POWER FAILURES YET TO COME.
%%
Digiterata:
SPEAK YOUR TRUTH QUIETLY & CLEARLY; AND LISTEN TO  OTHERS;  EVEN  FORTH
PROGRAMMERS  AND  MEMBERS  OF OTHER SECTS;
THEY TOO HAVE THEIR STORY.
%%
Digiterata:
TAKE KINDLY  THE COUNSEL  OF THE  S-100 BUFFS; SURRENDERING THEIR KNOWLEDGE OF
SUPERIOR SYSTEMS.  THEY; TOO; RUN CP/M.
%%
Digiterata:
WHEN  THEY  HIT; ACCEPT THEM KINDLY AND KICK  NEITHER  THE CAT;  THE CHILD; NOR
THE SPOUSE. THEY MAY ALL KICK BACK.
%%
Digiterata:
WITH  ALL ITS DRUDGERY & BROKEN DREAMS;
THE 256K  IS STILL  A  BEAUTIFUL  CHIP.
%%
Digiterata:
YOU   ARE   A CHILD   OF  THE  COMPUTER REVOLUTION;  UNLIKE  MORROW OR WOZNIAK;
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE.
%%
:digit: n. An employee of Digital Equipment Corporation.  See also
   {VAX}, {VMS}, {PDP-10}, {{TOPS-10}}, {DEChead}, {double
   DECkers}, {field circus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
[dignified silence]
%%
Dignity and an empty sack are worth an empty sack.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #109
%%
Dignity is like a top hat.
Neither is very much use when you are standing on it.
 -- Chistopher Hollis
%%
DIIL    Disable Interrupts and enter Infinite Loop
%%
:dike: vt. To remove or disable a portion of something, as a wire
   from a computer or a subroutine from a program.  A standard slogan
   is "When in doubt, dike it out".  (The implication is that it is
   usually more effective to attack software problems by reducing
   complexity than by increasing it.)  The word `dikes' is widely
   used among mechanics and engineers to mean `diagonal cutters',
   esp. the heavy-duty metal-cutting version, but may also refer to a
   kind of wire-cutters used by electronics techs.  To `dike
   something out' means to use such cutters to remove something.
   Indeed, the TMRC Dictionary defined dike as "to attack with
   dikes".  Among hackers this term has been metaphorically extended
   to informational objects such as sections of code.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dilige et quos vis fac.
[Love and do what you will]
 -- St. Augustine (A.D. 354-430)
%%
Diligence increaseth the fruit of toil. A dilatory man wrestles with losses.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 412
%%
Diligence is the mother of good fortune.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. xliii
%%
Dimensions will be expressed in the least usable terms (i.e. Furlongs/Fortnight)
 -- Klipstein's Third Law of Applied Engineering
%%
Dim with the mist of years, gray flits the shade of power.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 2
%%
Diner:  Waiter!  There's a footprint in my breakfast.
Waiter: Well, I don't see what the problem is.  You
        ordered an omelet and told me to step on it!
%%
Dine with little, sup with less: do better still: sleep supperless.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Ding a ding-dang my dang-a-long ling-long
%%
:ding: n.,vi. 1. Synonym for {feep}.  Usage: rare among hackers,
   but commoner in the {Real World}.  2. `dinged': What happens
   when someone in authority gives you a minor bitching about
   something, esp. something trivial.  "I was dinged for having a
   messy desk."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DINGO:   And after the spanking ... the oral sex.
GALAHAD: Oh, dear! Well, I...
GIRLS:   The oral sex ...  The oral sex.
GALAHAD: Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
       penalty.  And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
       ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her.  Come!
GIRLS: A spanking!  A spanking!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
DINGO:   You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
         may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.
AMAZING: And spank me!
STUNNER: And me.
LOVELY:  And me.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
:dink: /dink/ adj. Said of a machine that has the {bitty box}
   nature; a machine too small to be worth bothering with ---
   sometimes the system you're currently forced to work on.  First
   heard from an MIT hacker working on a CP/M system with 64K, in
   reference to any 6502 system, then from fans of 32-bit
   architectures about 16-bit machines.  "GNUMACS will never work on
   that dink machine."  Probably derived from mainstream `dinky',
   which isn't sufficiently pejorative.  See {macdink}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
(D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
%%
:dinosaur: n. 1. Any hardware requiring raised flooring and special
   power.  Used especially of old minis and mainframes, in contrast
   with newer microprocessor-based machines.  In a famous quote from
   the 1988 UNIX EXPO, Bill Joy compared the liquid-cooled mainframe
   in the massive IBM display with a grazing dinosaur "with a truck
   outside pumping its bodily fluids through it".  IBM was not
   amused.  Compare {big iron}; see also {mainframe}.  2. [IBM]
   A very conservative user; a {zipperhead}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:dinosaur pen: n. A traditional {mainframe} computer room complete with
   raised flooring, special power, its own ultra-heavy-duty air
   conditioning, and a side order of Halon fire extinguishers.  See
   {boa}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:dinosaurs mating: n. Said to occur when yet another {big iron}
   merger or buyout occurs; reflects a perception by hackers that
   these signal another stage in the long, slow dying of the
   {mainframe} industry.  In its glory days of the 1960s, it was
   `IBM and the Seven Dwarves': Burroughs, Control Data, General
   Electric, Honeywell, NCR, RCA, and Univac.  RCA and GE sold out
   early, and it was `IBM and the Bunch' (Burroughs, Univac, NCR,
   Control Data, and Honeywell) for a while.  Honeywell was bought out
   by Bull; Burroughs merged with Univac to form Unisys (in 1984 ---
   this was when the phrase `dinosaurs mating' was coined); and in
   1991 AT&T absorbed NCR.  More such earth-shaking unions of doomed
   giants seem inevitable.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Diogenes lighted a candle in the daytime, and went round saying, "I
am looking for a man."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, vi
%%
Diogenes said once to a person who was showing him a dial, "It is
a very useful thing to save a man from being too late for supper."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Menedemus, iii
%%
Diogenes struck the father when the son swore.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 2, Memb. 2, Subsect. 5
%%
Diogenes the Cynic, when a little before his death he fell into a
slumber, and his physician rousing him out of it asked him whether
anything ailed him, wisely answered, "Nothing, sir; only one brother
anticipates another,--Sleep before Death."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Consolation to Apollonius
%%
Diogenes would frequently praise those who were about to marry, and
yet did not marry.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Diogenes, iv
%%
Dio non ha fatto niente di inutile.
Ma con le mosche e i professori
ci e' andato vicino.
[God made nothing unuseful.
But with flies and professors
He was quite close.]
 -- University wall, Milan, 1969
%%
Dionysius the Elder, being asked whether he was at leisure, he replied,
"God forbid that it should ever befall me!"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Dionysius
%%
Dip: Inventor of a famous switch.
%%
Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what
cannot be gained or held on the battlefield.
%%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a large rock.
 -- Wynn Catlin
%%
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
 -- Isaac Goldberg
%%
Diplomacy: Lying in state.
 -- Oliver Herford
%%
DIPLOMACY, n.  The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Diplomacy should be a job left to diplomats.
 -- Ambassador Fox, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3192.5.
%%
Diplomacy: The art of fishing tranquilly in troubled waters.
%%
Diplomacy: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making
a splash.
%%
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone have your way.
%%
Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power.
 -- Henry Kissinger
%%
Diplomat: an unwise thing to call "Knuckles" Lomat.
%%
Diplomats and bureaucrats may function differently, but they
  achieve exactly the same results.
 -- Spock, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
%%
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are
for finishing it ... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing
would fall flat in a week.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.
%%
DIP switch -- what we'll probably get out of the next
presidential election.
%%
Dire combustion and confused events
New hatch'd to the woful time.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Direct action produces direct reaction.
 -- Issawi's Law of the Dialectics of Progress
%%
Direct a direct hit on your direct opponent, directing in the right direction.
%%
Direct sales only: manufacturer had argument with distributor
%%
%DIRECT-W-NOFILES, no files found
%%
DIRFW   Do It Right For Once
%%
:dirtball: [XEROX PARC] n. A small, perhaps struggling outsider;
   not in the major or even the minor leagues.  For example, "Xerox
   is not a dirtball company".

   [Outsiders often observe in the PARC culture an institutional
   arrogance which usage of this term exemplifies.  The brilliance and
   scope of PARC's contributions to computer science have been such
   that this superior attitude is not much resented.  --- ESR]
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dirty deeds done dirt-cheap.
%%
:dirty power: n. Electrical mains voltage that is unfriendly to
   the delicate innards of computers.  Spikes, {drop-outs}, average
   voltage significantly higher or lower than nominal, or just plain
   noise can all cause problems of varying subtlety and severity
   (these are collectively known as {power hit}s).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DISABUSE, v.t.  The present your neighbor with another and better
error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Disagree with conservatives? Call them fascists.
 -- Liberal Rule #29
%%
Disagree with conservatives? Call them idiots.
 -- Liberal Rule #28
%%
Disappointment is discovering you can't do it twice. Despair is discovering
you can't do it once.
%%
Disassembler: An unattended five year old child.
%%
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government
and business.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
DISC    DISmount CPU
%%
Disciples be damned. It's not interesting. It's only the masters that
matter. Those who create.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Quoted in Michel George-Michel, De Renoir a Picasso, (1954)
%%
Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than constricts it.
%%
Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability.
 -- Roy L. Smith
%%
Discipline is the soul of an army.  It makes small numbers formidable,
procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.
 -- George Washington
%%
Discipline, like the bridle in the hand of a good rider, should exercise its
influence without appearing to do so; should be ever active, both as a support
and as a restraint, yet seem to lie easily in hand. It must always be ready to
check or to pull up, as occasion may require; and only when the horse is a
runaway should the action of the curb be perceptible.
%%
Discipline must come through liberty. . . . We do not consider an
individual disciplined only when he has been rendered as artificially
silent as a mute and as immovable as a paralytic.  He is an individual
annihilated, not disciplined.
 -- Maria Montessori
%%
DISCLAIMER:
My fingers are epileptic.
%%
:disclaimer: n. [USENET] n. Statement ritually appended to many USENET
   postings (sometimes automatically, by the posting software) reiterating
   the fact (which should be obvious, but is easily forgotten) that the
   article reflects its author's opinions and not necessarily those of
   the organization running the machine through which the article
   entered the network.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
%%
Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
%%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%%
Discontent is the want of self-reliance: it is infirmity of will.
 -- Emerson
%%
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
 straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
 and devalue the dollar!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
:Discordianism: /dis-kor'di-*n-ism/ n. The veneration of
   {Eris}, a.k.a. Discordia; widely popular among hackers.
   Discordianism was popularized by Robert Shea and Robert Anton
   Wilson's novel "{Illuminatus!}" as a sort of
   self-subverting Dada-Zen for Westerners --- it should on no account
   be taken seriously but is far more serious than most jokes.
   Consider, for example, the Fifth Commandment of the Pentabarf, from
   "Principia Discordia": "A Discordian is Prohibited of
   Believing What he Reads."  Discordianism is usually connected with
   an elaborate conspiracy theory/joke involving millennia-long
   warfare between the anarcho-surrealist partisans of Eris and a
   malevolent, authoritarian secret society called the Illuminati.
   See {Religion} under {Appendix B}, {Church of the
   SubGenius}, and {ha ha only serious}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Disco STILL sucks!
 -- T-shirt in the 21st century
%%
DISCOUNT
  The art of making shoppers feel happier about having just bought
  something by letting them know that they didn't get as badly
  ripped-off as they would have if they'd bought it when the discount
  didn't apply.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Discourse, the sweeter banquet of the mind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xv, Line 433
%%
Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going
 off the main road, by trying the untried.
 -- Frank Tyger
%%
Discover that you *can* eat seaweed.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no
one else has thought.
 -- Albert Szent-Gyorgi
%%
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
%%
Discretion of speech is more than eloquence; and to speak agreeably
to him with whom we deal is more than to speak in good words or in
good order.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Discourse
%%
Discretion - putting two and two together and keeping your mouth shut.
%%
DISCRIMINATE, v.i.  To note the particulars in which one person or
thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Discussion, n.A method of confirming others in their errors.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Disease and deprivation stalk our land like...two giant...
  ...stalking things.
 -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
%%
Diseased Nature oftentimes breaks forth
In strange eruptions.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Disease
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 05
%%
[Diseases] crucify the soul of man, attenuate our bodies, dry them,
wither them, shrivel them up like old apples, make them so many anatomies.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subsect. 10
%%
Diseases desperate grown
By desperate appliance are relieved,
Or not at all.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
Diseases for Kisses (Hyperkarma):
 A deeply rooted belief that punishment will somehow always be
far greater than the crime: ozone holes for littering.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
"Disguise thyself as thou wilt, still, Slavery," said I, "still thou
art a bitter draught."
 -- Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)
 -- The Passport, The Hotel at Paris
%%
Dishonesty, cowardice and duplicity are never impulsive.
 -- George Knight
%%
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
%%
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
%%
Disinformation is one thing, but misinformation is unforgivable.
%%
Disk crisis, please clean up!
%%
Disk Drive: A motor for a frisbee.
%%
Disk Drive - machine part designed to collect dust, cigarette ash, etc.
%%
:disk farm: n. (also {laundromat}) A large room or rooms filled
   with disk drives (esp. {washing machine}s).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
%%
Disk Head - that part of a machine designed to be worn down by dust.
%%
Disklexia: putting floppies in upside down
%%
Disk space -- the final frontier!
%%
Disks travel in packs.
%%
Disk: What goes out in your back after bending over
 a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
%%
disney, diz'nee, v.t.
 to queue excessively for a very short ride
    [prob S.E. & S.W. U.S.]
%%
... DisneyLand: A people trap operated by a mouse.
%%
Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty.  The obedient must be
slaves.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
DISOBEDIENCE, n.  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DISOBEY, v.t.  To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity
of a command.

    His right to govern me is clear as day,
    My duty manifest to disobey;
    And if that fit observance e'er I shut
    May I and duty be alike undone.
                                                         Israfel Brown
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DISORGANIZATION is merely the sign of a very healthy
individual trying to do more in a shorter period of time
than those lazy, obsessively tidy types who can think of
nothing better to do than straighten objects in drawers and
stuff like that which only feeds their egos and makes them
think that they are better than those of us who are truly
gifted
%%
Disparting towers
Trembling all precipitate down dash'd,
Rattling around, loud thundering to the moon.
 -- John Dyer (1700-1758)
 -- The Ruins of Rome, Line 40
%%
Dispel this cloud, the light of Heaven restore;
Give me to see, and Ajax asks no more.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xvii, Line 730
%%
:display hack: n. A program with the same approximate purpose as a
   kaleidoscope: to make pretty pictures.  Famous display hacks
   include {munching squares}, {smoking clover}, the BSD UNIX
   `rain(6)' program, `worms(6)' on miscellaneous UNIXes,
   and the {X} `kaleid(1)' program.  Display hacks can also be
   implemented without programming by creating text files containing
   numerous escape sequences for interpretation by a video terminal;
   one notable example displayed, on any VT100, a Christmas tree with
   twinkling lights and a toy train circling its base.  The {hack
   value} of a display hack is proportional to the esthetic value of
   the images times the cleverness of the algorithm divided by the
   size of the code.  Syn. {psychedelicware}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DISSEMBLE, v.i.  To put a clean shirt upon the character.

    Let us dissemble.
                                                                  Adam
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DISTANCE, n.  The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to
call theirs, and keep.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Distinct as the billows, yet one as the sea.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The Ocean, Line 54
%%
Distinction without a difference.
 -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
 -- Tom Jones, Book vi, Chap. xiii
%%
Distinctive, adj.:
    A different color or shape than our competitors.
%%
Distress, n.:
 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
%%
Distributed file systems are a cruel hoax.
 -- Zalman Stern, former ITC hacker diety
%%
:distribution: n. 1. A software source tree packaged for
   distribution; but see {kit}.  2. A vague term encompassing
   mailing lists and USENET newsgroups (but not {BBS} {fora}); any
   topic-oriented message channel with multiple recipients.  3. An
   information-space domain (usually loosely correlated with
   geography) to which propagation of a USENET message is restricted;
   a much-underutilized feature.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an adult book store and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
 -- Dave Barry, Pornography
%%
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
damage inflicted on the vehicle.
%%
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very
slight acquaintance and without any visible reason.
 -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
Distrust interested advice.
 -- Aesop
%%
:disusered: adj. [USENET] Said of a person whose account on a computer
   has been removed, esp. for cause rather than through normal
   attrition.  "He got disusered when they found out he'd been
   cracking through the school's Internet access."  The verbal form
   `disuser' is live but less common.  Both usages probably derive
   from the DISUSER account status flag on VMS; setting it disables
   the account.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ditsey Baummortal went duck shooting with old Uncle George Terwilliger.
 A flock of ducks flew overhead and Uncle George took a potshot at them and
 one fell down on the beach--dead. Ditsey walked over and looked at it.
 "Hey, Uncle George," he said. "That was a waste of ammunition to shoot that
 duck. The fall alone would have killed it."
 -- "Senator" Ed Ford
%%
Divers do it better under pressure.
%%
Divers do it deeper.
%%
Dividing 100 percent responsibility between two
people gives each of them ten percent.
 -- Hoff's Rule of Responsibility
%%
DIVINATION, n.  The art of nosing out the occult.  Divination is of as
many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce
and the early fool.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Divine in hookas, glorious in a pipe
When tipp'd with amber, mellow, rich, and ripe;
Like other charmers, wooing the caress
More dazzlingly when daring in full dress;
Yet thy true lovers more admire by far
Thy naked beauties--give me a cigar!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Island, Canto ii, Stanza 19
%%
Divines and dying men may talk of Hell But in my heart her several
torments dwell.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Divorce Assumption:
 A form of Safety Net-ism, the belief that if a marriage
doesn't work out, then there is no problem because partners can simply
seek a divorce.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Divorce comes from the old Latin word "divorcerum," meaning "having your
 genitals torn out through your wallet." And the judge said, "All the
 money--and we'll just shorten it to alimony!"
 -- Robin Williams
%%
Divorce is painful. There's an easy way to save yourself a lot of trouble.
 Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
 -- Pat Paulsen
%%
DK      Destroy Klingons
%%
DKP     Disavow Knowledge of Programmer
%%
DK%WMM  Disk Unit - Washing Machine Mode
%%
.DLL corrupted. Major bummer.
 -- WinError #73
%%
DLN     Don't Look Now...
%%
DLP     Drain Literal Pool
%%
DMA csr=0x%b
%%
DMA timeout error
%%
DMPE    Decide to Major in Physical Education
%%
DMPK - Destroy Memory Protect Key
%%
DMZ     Divide Memory by Zero
%%
DNA: the ultimate RIS machine language
%%
Do all the good you can, By all the means you can, In all the ways
you can, In all the places you can, At all the times you can, To all
the people you can, As long as ever you can.
 -- John Wesley
%%
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?  Ask Data.
%%
Do animals react curiously to your presence? [yn]
How curious that must be.
%%
Do be a do-bee
 -- Miss Sally
%%
Do bears bear-eth, do bees bee-eth?
 -- David Addison
%%
Do-be-do-be-do.
 -- F. Sinatra
%%
Do business with a "Small Lobe" and your bound to get a big loss.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #11
%%
Do cats eat bats?  Do bats eat cats?
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
:doc: /dok/ n. Common spoken and written shorthand for
   `documentation'.  Often used in the plural `docs' and in the
   construction `doc file' (i.e., documentation available on-line).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DOC     Drive Operator Crazy
%%
Doc Hayward said you needed familiar stimulants, so we figured,
what the hell, kazoos.
 -- Twin Peaks
%%
Doc Hayward:  You're not going anywhere.
Cooper:       Doc, when the will is invoked, the recuperative powers of the
              physical body are simply extraordinary.  Just give me a couple
              of hours to get dressed.
 -- Dr. William Hayward & Agent Dale Cooper, _Twin Peaks_
%%
Doc, note, I dissent.  A fast never prevents a fatness.  I diet on cod.
%%
:doco: /do'koh/ [orig. in-house jargon at Symbolics] n. A
   documentation writer.  See also {devo} and {mango}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Doct. Not so sick, my lord,
As she is troubled with thick-coming fancies,
That keep her from her rest.
Macb. Cure her of that.
Canst thou not minister to a mind diseas'd,
Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow,
Raze out the written troubles of the brain,
And with some sweet oblivious antidote
Cleanse the stuff'd bosom of that perilous stuff
Which weighs upon the heart?
Doct. Therein the patient
Must minister to himself.
Macb. Throw physic to the dogs: I 'll none of it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Doctor, doctor, gimme the news. I've got a bad case of loving you.
%%
'Doctor, doctor, I dreamt last night that I was a deck of cards.'
'Sit down there, I'll deal with you soon'
%%
'Doctor, doctor, I've just swallowed a sheep'
'How do you feel?'
'Very Ba-a-a-a-d.'
%%
Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third
 operating table you've ruined this month!
%%
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
 -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Doctors always over-protect their patients.
And Captains always push themselves too hard.
 -- Dr. Crusher and Capt. Rachel Garrett, "Yesterday's Enterprise",
       stardate 43625.2
%%
Doctor, say you're pleased to see her.
 -- Nyssa, TERMINUS
%%
Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments
when you're not.
 -- Rozanne Weissman
%%
Doctors often prescribe medicines about which they know relatively little
 for diseases about which they know even a little less, in people about whom
 they know practically nothing. It is a real wonder that, under these
 circumstances, the patient even survives, as most of them do. In fact, some
 of them even get better in spite of all the odds against it.
%%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%%
Doctor supports combination gambit.
 -- Doctor Who, SILVER NEMESIS
%%
Doctor, we've got our clothes on!
 -- Ian, The Space Museum
%%
Doctor Who is required.
 -- WOTAN, The War Machines
%%
Doctor:  You need glasses.
Patient: How did you know?
Doctor:  I could tell as soon as you walked through the window.
%%
Doctor, you surprise me. I have no wish to kill anyone. A short term
  crippling will suffice.
 -- Daimon Goss to Dr. Arridor, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
Documentary hypothesis
 the discredited notion that software is the outcome of a
 systematic and rational process of development, rather
 than the result of divine inspiration
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Documentation:
A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility
one version ago, and which is now unsupported.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Documentation:  A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in
situations of dire need when friends and dealers are
unavailable, normally only employed as a decorative bookend.
%%
Documentation
 a process for converting trees into entropy, usually
 applied to provide busywork for the people whose
 employment cannot be justified by cost modelling
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for
 English speaking persons.
%%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good;
and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
 -- Dick Brandon
%%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%%
:documentation:: n. The multiple kilograms of macerated, pounded,
   steamed, bleached, and pressed trees that accompany most modern
   software or hardware products (see also {tree-killer}).  Hackers
   seldom read paper documentation and (too) often resist writing it;
   they prefer theirs to be terse and on-line.  A common comment on
   this predilection is "You can't {grep} dead trees".  See
   {drool-proof paper}, {verbiage}, {treeware}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Documents should always be dated, listings should never be torn on
the outside fold. Violation is indicative of someone's (programmer's
or operator's) inability.
%%
Dodge           Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
%%
Dodge           Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
%%
:dodgy: adj. Syn. with {flaky}.  Preferred outside the U.S.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DO      Divide and Overflow
%%
Does a man speak foolishly?-suffer him gladly, for you are wise.
Does he speak erroneously?-stop such a man's mouth with sound words
that cannot be gainsaid. Does he speak truly?-rejoice in the truth.
 -- Oliver Cromwell
%%
Does anybody have a ";" Reminder key?
%%
>>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?
>Bah! That's a piece o' cake...
>I just can't figure out this damned 4x4x4x4 Rubik's HyperCube...!!!!!!

Peel the stickers off and stick them in a parallel 3-space.
 -- Norman Diamond       [e-mail]
%%
Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
it.

I guess it's a bit funny that you do two sides first, instead of the
corners and edges first followed by the inside centers.  Not quite the
best joke I've read today, though.
 -- Norman Diamond [e-mail]
%%
- Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you
- give me some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other
- completed, but that's it.
-

Just take all the little stickers off, and place the thus denuded cube
in your microwave.  Set the timer to seven minutes, right about at the
end of which you will greater worries than your inability to solve
your cube.  Trust me I have done this.
 -- Asim.
%%
"Does anyone have a knife?"
 -- Great Quotes of Yule '93
%%
Does anyone have any ANSI taglines,er the colored ones?
%%
Does anyone have any questions? Any answers? Anyone care for a mint?
%%
"Does anyone know why Arthur can't turn on the Improbability Drive?  I
said <yelling> does anyone know ..." - Trillian
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Does bouncing count?
%%
Does college pay? Of course. If you're a halfback or a basketball player
 they pay you very well. College athletes are always saying to me, "When
 should I turn pro?" And I say not until you've earned all you can in
 college.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
%%
Does he always kill when taken by surprise?...
 -- Clonemaster
%%
Does history record any case where the majority was right?
%%
Does history repeat itself, the first time as tragedy, the
second time as farce?   No, that's too grand, too considered
a process.  History just burps, and we taste again that
raw-onion sandwich it swallowed centuries ago.
 -- Julian Barnes
%%
Does it have enhanced IR vision, a particle beam weapon
with target acquisition, highly amplified arm/leg systems,
self-contained atmosphere, and a small nuclear plant? No?
Not much of a "power suit", is it?
%%
Does not our power increase exactly in the measure we learn how to use it?
 -- Emerson
%%
Doesn't it make you feel good to be wanted? . . .Avon
I've been a wanted man all my life. What I need now is to
be unwanted....
 -- Vila
%%
Doesn't that noise in your head bother you?
%%
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Does the E's Computer have enough RAM to run Windows?
%%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%%
Does the same as the system call of that name. If you don't know what
it does, don't worry about it.
 -- Larry Wall in the perl man page regarding chroot(2)
%%
Does things the traditional, uncivilized way.
 -- System V Unix, and the Klingon Empire
%%
Does this program halt? <In a paradoxical flowchart>
%%
Does Windows 3.1 come with a Hard Drive?
%%
..  does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Dog:  I tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine!
      Now is that a deal?
Cat:  You want to smell my WHAT?
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Parallel Universe'
%%
Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.
%%
DOG, n.  A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch
the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.  This Divine Being in
some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection
of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant.  The Dog
is a survival -- an anachronism.  He toils not, neither does he spin,
yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long,
sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means
wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned
with a look of tolerant recognition.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Do good by stealth, and blush to find it fame.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epilogue to the Satires, Dialogue i, Line 136
%%
Dog, ounce, bear, and bull,
Wolfe, lion, horse.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Week, First Day, Part iii
%%
Dog owners are out in all kinds of weather. They tell you it's small
 payment for the love their dogs bear them. Some love. If that dog weren't
 on a leash, he'd be off like a flash after another dog, a cat, or any
 stranger walking along the street with a wet bag of meat.

 If dog owners walked around in all kinds of weather for the Postal Service
 they'd really know love. A retirement plan. Social security. Medical
 insurance. Pension.
 -- Selma Diamond
%%
:dogpile: [USENET: prob. fr. mainstream "puppy pile"] v. When
   many people post unfriendly responses in short order to a single
   posting, they are sometimes said to "dogpile" or "dogpile on"
   the person to whom they're responding.  For example, when a
   religious missionary posts a simplistic appeal to alt.atheism,
   he can expect to be dogpiled.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up.
 After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself: Who's the real
 master in this relationship?
 -- Anthony Griffin
%%
... Dogs are the leaders of the planet.  If you see two life
forms, one of them's making a poop, the other's carrying it for
him, who would you assume is in charge?"
 -- Jerry Seinfeld, "SeinLanguage"
%%
Dogs are trained.  People are educated.
 -- Keith Riley
%%
Dogs are wonderful creatures which convert leftovers
and table scraps into hair, which they then politely
distribute over your carpet and furniture
%%
Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to
you.
 -- Mary Bly
%%
Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows!
%%
Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a
group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they
would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display
any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in
Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
Dogs, ye have had your day!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xxii, Line 41
%%
:dogwash: /dog'wosh/ [From a quip in the `urgency' field of a very
   optional software change request, ca. 1982.  It was something like
   "Urgency: Wash your dog first".] 1. n. A project of minimal
   priority, undertaken as an escape from more serious work.  2. v.
   To engage in such a project.  Many games and much {freeware} get
   written this way.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
    Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself
(I am large, I contain multitudes).
 -- Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
%%
Do I dare disturb the universe?
 -- T. S. Eliot
%%
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do I look absolutely divine and yet and at the same time very pretty
  and rather accessible?
 -- Queenie to Melchett : Potato
%%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%%
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the
abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
 -- Woody Allen
 -- Without Feathers
%%
Doing a good job is like wetting your pants in a dark suit... You get a warm
feeling, but nobody notices.
%%
Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
 brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
 gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.
 -- Robert Byrne
%%
Doing gets it done.
%%
Doing good,
Disinterested good, is not our trade.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book i, The Sofa, Line 673
%%
Doing it the hard way is always easier.
 -- Murphy's Paradox
%%
Doing just the opposite is also a form of imitation
 -- G. C. Lichtenberg
%%
Doing my part to preserve order in the universe.
%%
Doing strange things in the name of art.
%%
Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's knowing what's right.
 -- L. B. Johnson
%%
Do I smoke after sex?  I never looked.
%%
Do it for the Widow's Son.
%%
Do it once, do it right, and *maybe* she'll let you do it again.
%%
Do it. Or don't do it. But either way, don't bitch about it.
%%
Do it today!
%%
Do it today, tomorrow it will be illegal.
%%
"Do-it Yourself House Kit" by Bill Jerome Holme
%%
Dokachin: "In all the time that the Zakdorn have operated this depot, nothing
  has ever been lost.  Never!"
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Dokachin: "I once found a fourteen foot Caldorian eel aboard a freighter, in
  someone's locker."
Troi: "Are you serious?"
Dokachin: "If you have time, I'll show it to you.  I still have it.  Nursed it
  back to health."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Dokachin: "I suppose this is your first visit to a junkyard, isn't
it?" Troi: "Mm-hm." Dokachin: "You'd be surprised at some of the things
I find onboard these ships."
 -- "Unification I", Stardate 45240.6
%%
Do Klingons fear death as much as humans? I could snap your neck in a
  second, but it wouldn't be as much fun.
 -- Admiral Quinn to Worf, "Conspiracy", stardate 41775.5
%%
Dolendi modus, timendi non item.
[To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none.]
 -- Bacon, Of Seditions and Troubles
%%
Domain
 a class of applications where failure on one project gives
 you an advantage in bidding on the next
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
:domainist: /doh-mayn'ist/ adj. 1. Said of an {{Internet
   address}} (as opposed to a {bang path}) because the part to the
   right of the `@' specifies a nested series of `domains';
   for example, [e-mail] specifies the machine
   called snark in the subdomain called thyrsus within the
   top-level domain called com.  See also {big-endian}, sense
   2.  2. Said of a site, mailer, or routing program which knows how
   to handle domainist addresses.  3. Said of a person (esp. a site
   admin) who prefers domain addressing, supports a domainist mailer,
   or proselytizes for domainist addressing and disdains {bang
   path}s.  This term is now (1993) semi-obsolete, as most sites have
   converted.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
%%
Do married women make the best wives?
%%
Domestic happiness, thou only bliss
Of Paradise that has survived the fall!
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iii, The Garden, Line 41
%%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%%
Donald Campbell:
The f%*king throttle is stuck
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be.
%%
Donate your shoe collection to Imelda Marcos.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
DONATION
  Often promoted as the best way of getting rid of your money while
  feeling good about it, donation in fact has the opposite effect.
  The vast majority feel awkward as they hand over the money,
  clumsily trying to avoid the $50 note in their pocket.
      A much better way to get rid of money while feeling good is to
  go out and by a whoppingly expensive consumer appliance.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Done to death by slanderous tongues.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
:dongle-disk: /don'gl disk/ n.  A special floppy disk that is
   required in order to perform some task.  Some contain special
   coding that allows an application to identify it uniquely, others
   *are* special code that does something that normally-resident
   programs don't or can't.  (For example, AT&T's "Unix PC" would
   only come up in {root mode} with a special boot disk.)  Also
   called a `key disk'.  See {dongle}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Don:    I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she
       pretty?
W. C.:  Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
 bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
        sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
Don:      Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W. C.:    It's almost impossible.
 -- W. C. Fields, from The Further Adventures of Larson
                   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles
%%
Donna pelosa, donna virtuosa.
 -- Italian proverb
%%
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much
 vermouth.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in
applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations,
cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missile defense
systems. The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language
error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus:
It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities. An unreliable
programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far
greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic
pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations.
 -- C. A. R. Hoare
%%
Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;
Whiles, like a puff'd and reckless libertine,
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,
And recks not his own rede.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled
among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good.  His
life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far
beyond yours.  Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to
find these words.
 -- Rainer Maria Rilke
%%
Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but
do not relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you.
 -- Stewart E. White
%%
Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth.
 -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.)
%%
Do not be deceived. Revolutions do not run backwards.
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), railsplitter, lawyer, imperialist
%%
Do not be fooled by her looks. The body is just a shell.
 -- Worf, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
Do not be in a hurry to tie what you cannot untie.
 -- English proverb
%%
 do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change
of underwear.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.  Do not
believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
 Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in
your religious books.  Do not believe in anything merely on the authority
of your teachers and elders.  Do not believe in traditions because
they have been handed down for many generations.  But after observation
and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is
conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and
live up to it.
 -- The Buddha
%%
Do not believe in miracles; rely upon them.
 -- Finagle's Sixth Rule
%%
Do not believe what I tell you here any more than if it were some
tale of a tub.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book iv, Chap. xxxviii
%%
Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim
above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an
experiment.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Do not call up that which you can not put on hold.
%%
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
%%
Do not commit the error, common among the young, of assuming that if you
cannot save the whole of mankind you have failed.
 -- Jan de Hartog, "The Lamb's War"
%%
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your
 own. You may both be wrong.
 -- Dandemis
%%
Do not cry, for thy tears shall rust thy skates.
 -- Rollerblade (yes, BLADE)
%%
Do not cut down the tree that gives you shade.
%%
Do not deny the challenge of your destiny! Get off your knees and
  soar. Open your eyes and let the dream take flight.
 -- Korris to Worf, "Heart of Glory", stardate 41503.7
%%
Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed
in the first place
%%
Do Not Disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.
%%
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes
may not be the same.
 -- George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903), Maxims for
 -- Revolutionists: The Golden Rule
%%
Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.
%%
Do not drop in for an after-loss.
Ah, do not, when my heart hath 'scap'd this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of a conquer'd woe;
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow,
To linger out a purpos'd overthrow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet xc
%%
Do not embark upon vast undertakings with half-vast ideas.
%%
Do not employ handsome servants.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
 -- In a Leipzig elevator
%%
Do not expect to arrive at certainty in every subject which you pursue.
 There are a hundred things wherein we mortals. . . must be content
with probability, where our best light and reasoning will reach no
farther.
 -- Isaac Watts
%%
Do not expose this tagline to direct sunlight.
%%
Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
 -- Bertolt Brecht
%%
Do not fear your enemies. The worst they can do is kill you. Do not fear
friends. At worst, they may betray you. Fear those who do not care; they
neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exists because of their
silent consent.
 -- Bruno Jasienski (Yasensky)
%%
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path
and leave a trail.
 -- Muriel Strode
%%
Do not go gently into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
 -- Dylan Thomas
%%
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and
leave a trail.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Do nothing secretly; for Time sees and hears all things, and discloses all.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Hipponous, Frag. 280
%%
Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
Do not hover always on the surface of things, nor take up suddenly,
with mere appearances; but penetrate into the depth of matters, as
far as your time and circumstances allow, especially in those things
which relate to your profession.
 -- Isaac Watts
%%
Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.
 -- Confucius
 -- Analects, XV.24
%%
Do not invest your whole life in one hope.
 -- Austin O'Malley
%%
Do not iron, naked.
 -- Home safety tip for men #1
%%
Do not keep on with a mockery of friendship after the substance is
 gone--but part, while you can part friends. Bury the carcass of friendship:
 it is not worth embalming.
 -- William Hazlitt
%%
Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%%
Do not lend money to a fiend.
%%
Do not lengthen the quarrel while there is an opportunity of escaping.
 -- Latin proverb
%%
Do not let any sweet-talking woman beguile your good sense with the
 fascinations of her shape. It's your barn she's after.
 -- Hesiod
%%
Do not look for all the answers at once. A path is formed by placing
    stones one in front of the other.
 -- The Giant from Twin Peaks
%%
Do not look into laser with remaining good eye.
 -- Seen on the door to a light-wave lab
%%
Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture,
 an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads.
 -- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%%
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on
 your computer.
 -- stolen from Brian Gollum
%%
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
anger.
%%
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to
anger.
 -- Tolkien
%%
Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the
signal.
 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
Do not overload electrical circuits.
%%
Do not overtax your powers.
%%
Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
 -- Czech proverb
%%
Do not put statements in the negative form.
%%
Do not put your spoon into the pot which does not boil for you.
 -- Romanian proverb
%%
Do not quench your inspiration and your imagination; do not become the
 slave of your model.
 -- Vincent van Gogh
%%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
 Violators will be prosecuted.
 -- Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)
%%
Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.
%%
Do not remove a fly from a friend's forehead with a chopstick.
%%
Do not remove or tamper with ground wires and do not work on live circuits.
%%
DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT blow the hatch!
 Roger....hatch blown!
 -- MAROONED
%%
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old;
seek what they sought.
 -- Basho
%%
Do not settle for less than the best your own excellence can command.
 -- Anne McCaffrey
%%
Do not show your wounded finger, for
everything will knock up against it.
 -- Baltasar Gracian
%%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%%
Do not speak harshly to any one; those who are spoken to will answer
thee in the same way.  Angry speech is painful:  blows for blows will
touch thee.
 -- The Dhammapada (c. BC 300)
%%
 Do not speak ill of the dead.
 --       The Seven Sages (Bias, Chilon, Cleobulus, Periander,
       Pittacus,Solon, Thales) c. 650 - c. 550 BC
 --     From Diogenes Laertius,
       Lives of Eminent Philosophers, bk. I, sec. 70
%%
Do not speak of what men deserve.   For we each of us deserve everything,
 every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead Kings, and we each
 of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger.   Have we not eaten
 while another starved?  Will you punish us for that?  Will you reward us for
 the virtue of starving while others ate?  No man earns punishment, no man
 earns reward.  Free your mind of the idea of *deserving*, of *earning*, and
 you will begin to be able to think.
 -- Odo, The Prison Letters (Ursula LeGuin, _The Dispossessed_)
%%
Do not spit on the floor --- it is forbidden to discuss politics in public!
%%
Do not stick it where it does not belong. Yeah, RIGHT!
 -- Rule #52
%%
Do not stop to ask what is it;
 Let us go and make our visit.
 -- T. S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
%%
Do not taunt the Happy Fun Ball.  If Happy Fun Ball starts to smoke, run
away and take cover.
%%
Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us all without
words?
 -- Marcel Marceau (1923-) French actor, pantomimist
%%
Do not they bring it to pass by knowing that they know nothing at all?
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Andria, The Prologue, 17
%%
Do not think that what is hard for thee to master is impossible for
man; but if a thing is possible and proper to man, deem it attainable
by thee.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, vi, 19
%%
Do not throw the arrow which will return against you.
 -- Kurdish proverb
%%
Do not touch the medium, she might be ticklish.
%%
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
 -- Donald Kaul
%%
Do not try to trick us. We can tell.
 -- Grebnedlog, "Samaritan Snare", stardate 42779.1
%%
Do not turn back when you are just at the goal.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 580
%%
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
%%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%%
Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate
   English quid pro quo.
 -- Writing Rule 22
%%
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Do not use extension cords except for temporary (less than one day) use.
%%
Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million
   can use it effectively.
 -- Writing Rule 25
%%
Do not videotape your child in the bathtub. Do not name your child after a
 Scandinavian deity or any aspect of the weather.
 -- Daniel Menaker
%%
Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.
 -- Mother Teresa
%%
Do not wish to be anything but what you are and try to be that perfectly.
 -- St. Francis De Sales
%%
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the
power of your hand to do so.
 -- Proverbs 3:27
%%
Do not write in this space ( ) Thank You!
%%
Do not X-ray.
%%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%%
Don't abbrev.
 -- Writing Rule 14
%%
Don't abuse your friends and expect them to consider it criticism.
 -- Edgar W. Howe
%%
Don't accept rides from strange men--and remember that all men are as
 strange as hell.
 -- Robin Morgan
%%
Don't act, think.
 -- David Lean
%%
Don't always think that eveybody is laughing at you - that way, when they *are*
laughing at you, you won't miss the joke.
 -- Steve Gardner
%%
Don't anthropomorphize computers.  They don't like it.
%%
Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a
fool from any side.
 -- Yiddish proverb
%%
Don't ask me!!!
%%
Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.
%%
Don't ask me--I have intermittent memory loss
%%
Don't ask me. I just work here.
%%
Don't ask me. I was hired for my looks.
%%
Don't ask of your friends what you yourself can do.
 -- Quintus Ennius
%%
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
 -- Daniel S. Greenberg
%%
Don't assume that someone has gone through a hair-raising experience, it's
 likely just hair spray.
%%
Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological
problems.
 -- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
%%
Don't attempt to find order in road system.
 -- MA Driving #4
%%
Don't bathe if there is no water.
 -- Shan Proverb
%%
Don't be afraid to be outrageous; the critics will shoot you down anyway.
 -- Laurence Olivier (to Anthony Hopkins)
%%
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated.
You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
 -- David Lloyd George
%%
Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
 -- Grace Hansen
%%
Don't beam me up yet Scotty... I'm having a Sh..i...i....i
%%
Don't become a concert pianist.  They use the soft pedal as *well*
as the damper.  Be thankful you never liked organs, because you don't
stand a chance.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Don't become Roadkill on the "Data Super-Hype-Way".
%%
Don't be dismayed at good-byes.  A farewell is necessary before you
can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is
certain for those who are friends.
 -- Richard Bach
%%
Don't be irreplaceable--if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%%
Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Don't believe a word she says, Monsieur!  The sheep, they are all LIARS!
 -- A French citizen attempting to dissuade THE BADGER
%%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%%
Don't believe in superstition - it brings bad luck.
%%
Don't believe in the Uzi, it just went off in my hand.
%%
Don't believe them, don't believe them, question everything you're told.
%%
Don't believe you're smarter than you are: you'll lose.
%%
Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest with them. All
 they really want is to be maintained in the good opinion they have of
 themselves.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
`Don't be modest. You are not good enough to be modest.'
 -- Einstein
%%
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
%%
Don't be ridiculous!
%%
Don't be sharp or flat; just be natural.
 -- Willie Stargell
%%
Don't be silly.  If this was really the ship's Self-Destruct Button,
 do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone could press it?
%%
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
 -- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
%%
Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
 -- Golda Meir (1898-1978), to a visiting diplomat
%%
Don't be so proud of this technological terror you've created.  The
ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power
of the force.
 -- Darth Vader to Imperial Commander (Star Wars)
%%
 Don't be terse.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Don't be the first to use it: pioneers live in mud huts.
%%
Don't be the first to use it: you can tell the pioneers
by the arrows in their backs.
%%
Don't be too clever for an audience. Make it obvious. Make the subleties
 obvious also.
 -- Billy Wilder
%%
Don't bite the hand that has your allowance in it.
 -- Lisa Toddler
%%
Don't blame me--I voted for Cthulhu
%%
Don't blame me! I was dancing Friday night!
%%
Don't blame me--I was raised by humans
%%
Don't Bogart that joint.
%%
Don't bother about money: only Leprechauns and shopkeepers are interested.
%%
Don't bother me. I've got my three miracle minimum.
When the Pope signs my sainthood papers, I'm outta here!
%%
Don't bother to brag about your ancestors, since the records fail to show
 that Adam and Eve were ever married!
%%
Don't break it if you can't fix it.
 -- Marketing manager
%%
Don't breath, be oblivious!
 -- random thought generator
%%
Don't brood.  Get on with living and loving.  You don't have forever.
 -- Leo F. Buscaglia
%%
Don't build more nukes until we use the ones we have.
%%
Don't burn your bridges behind you.
%%
Don't call it a lie, call it "changing your mind."
 -- Liberal Rule #18
%%
DON'T call me dude, dude.
%%
Don't call someone a bad name if they have a loaded pistol; don't call your
 girlfriend Tina if her name is Vivien.
 -- George Underwood
%%
Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live
comfortably and have everything you want.
%%
Dont'cha hate it when that happens?
%%
Don't change horses in midstream.
%%
Don't change Stevenson just for the fun of rewriting him. You can kill a
 classic with "improvements." A big, sprawling novel, say Bleak House, you
 have to pare down to a continuity that will hold an audience for ninety or
 a hundred minutes. But remember, Jekyll and Hyde already has a continuity.
 We don't have to waste time hammering out a story line. What you have to do
 is visualize it, think of every scene as the camera will see it and not as
 you--or Stevenson--would describe it in prose.
 -- B. P. Schulberg (to his son Budd)
%%
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
 -- Joe Cointment
%%
Don't claim that you know everything-
besides not being true,
it's very irritating
to those of us who do.
%%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
%%
Don't come back until you have him, the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

They used dogs.    They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They
used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used
finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used
fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.
They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.
They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And
what the hell, they caught him.

 -- Harlan Ellison, Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man
%%
Don't come close to me.
I explode on contact.
 -- Seen on a bumper sticker
%%
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
%%
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
%%
Don't complain, don't explain.
 -- Henry Ford II
%%
Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
 -- Janis Joplin, American singer
%%
Don't confuse me with the facts - my mind is made up.
%%
Don't confuse the water with the pump.
 -- Tom Wolfe
%%
Don't contemplate any action that will bring down the wrath of God.
%%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%%
Don't count your bridges before you burn them.
%%
Don't cross the river if you can't swim the tide.
 -- America
%%
"Don't cry down my back baby, you might rust my spurs"
 -- Stupid country song titles #4
%%
Don't cry over spilt milk, let the cat in to enjoy your misfortune.
%%
"Don't cut any wood baby, 'cause I'll be comin' home with a load"
 -- Stupid country song titles #13
%%
Don't despair over futility; remember, it also rains over the ocean.
%%
Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
%%
Don't destroy the world in the first chapter--you'll
find you need it later
%%
Don't diddle code to make it faster -- find a better algorithm.
%%
Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense.
 -- [e-mail]
%%
Don't dispute death unless you've lived through it.
%%
Don't disturb my friend - he's dead tired.
 -- Commando
%%
Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir a mess unless you
can be sure of the result).
%%
Don't do anything you wouldn't be willing to explain on television.
 -- Arjay Miller
%%
Don't do blue.
 -- Red Skelton
%%
Don't document the program; program the document.
%%
 "Don't Do It" by Yul B. Sawry
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Don't do it.

 -- The First Rule of Program Optimization
Don't do it yet.
 -- The Second Rule of Program Optimization (For experts only)
 -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
:Don't do that, then!: [from an old doctor's office joke about a
   patient with a trivial complaint] Stock response to a user
   complaint.  "When I type control-S, the whole system comes to a
   halt for thirty seconds."  "Don't do that, then!" (or "So don't
   do that!").  Compare {RTFM}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Don't do things half-assed.   If a thing is worth doing at all, it's
worth doing as well as you can possibly do it.  Pick out something you
think is worthwhile and do it or work at it with passion.  Do it with
all your might.
 -- Hugh Young
%%
Don't do this at home - do it at someone else's!
%%
Don't dream it!  Be it!
 -- Frank N. Furter
%%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%%
Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!
 -- Bryan Michael Wendt
%%
Don't eat too many almonds; they add weight to the breasts.
 -- Colette
%%
Don't edit reality for the sake of simplicity.
%%
"Don't embarrass us."
  "Have I ever?"
 -- Buckaroo Banzai and Perfect Tommy in BUCKAROO BANZAI
%%
Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question
and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure
out what's going on - then quickly change the subject.
%%
Don't even think of parking here!
 -- Sign outside the Jailhouse in Orofino, Idaho.
%%
Don't ever become a pessimist, Ira; a pessimist is correct oftener
than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun -- and neither can
stop the march of events.
 -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love
%%
Don't ever forget to remember that double negatives are a no no and you
 don't never use them.
%%
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did
once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
 -- Jack Handey
%%
Don't ever have sex with someone in your office.  Wait until you get home.
%%
Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it and
 if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
Don't ever slam the door; you might want to go back.
 -- Don Herold
%%
Don't ever speak more clearly than you think...
 -- Attributed to Neils Bohr
%%
Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
 -- G.K. Chesterton
%%
Don't ever tell anyone they ain't free, 'cos they're gonna get real busy
 killin' and maimin' just to prove they are.
 -- Terry Southern (script for Easy Rider)
%%
Don't everyone thank me at once.
%%
Don't fall before you're pushed.
 -- English Proverb
%%
Don't fear change, embrace it.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things.  The
saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions:  could have,
might have, and should have.
 -- Louis E. Boone
%%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%%
Don't feel insecure or inferior! Remember, you're ORGANIC!!
You could win an argument with almost any rock!
%%
Don't fight forces; use them.
 -- Richard Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)
%%
Don't fight it - It's bigger than both of us.  In your case
that verges on the incredible.
 -- Cerebus
%%
Don't fight the problem, decide it.
 -- Gen. George C. Marshall
%%
Don't flinch, boys--they're shooting at me, not you.
 -- Brigadier General Philip Kearney to his men,
 -- Battle of Williamsburg, May 5, 1862
%%
Don't follow trends, start trends.
 -- Frank Capra
%%
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
 -- Anthony's Law of Force
%%
   Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
   I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
   I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
Don't forget, get even.
%%
Don't forget! Large dogs are MUCH harder to kill than little dogs.
%%
Don't forget that "Mother In Law" is an anagram of "Woman Hitler."
%%
Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit the ball.
 -- Woodie Held
%%
...don't forget W.A.S.T.E. in Pynchon's "The Crying of Lot 49".
%%
Don't gamble. Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it
 'til it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Don't gamble with security.
%%
Don't get even, get ahead!
%%
Don't get even... get mad!
 -- THE KILLING JOKE
%%
Don't get even--get odd.
 -- Swami Beyondananda
%%
Don't get hit.
 -- First rule of fighting
%%
Don't get mad, get even.
 -- Robert F. Kennedy
%%
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
%%
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading.  Debug only code.
 -- Dave Storer
%%
Don't get up too early in the morning, because the early bird gets the
 worm, and no matter how you try to prepare it, breakfast is just awful.
%%
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
%%
Don't give any money to TV preachers.
 -- Toonces
%%
Don't give a woman advice: one should never give a woman anything she can't
 wear in the evening.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Don't give me that intelligent life stuff - give me something I can blow up.
%%
Don't give me that kinkier-than-thou attitude.
%%
Don't give them perfection every time or they'll come to expect it.
%%
Don't give up, I'm proud of who you are.
%%
Don't give up, push a pawn.
%%
Don't give up the ship! Give up the captain.
%%
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
  nothing. It was here first.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Don't go away, I mean, computer save program.
 -- Geordi, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
DON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES...  WAIT!!
 Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell!...  And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't go into situations where you are reduced
to less than what you are
 -- Maruchi Santana
%%
Don't go shopping for anything and you will inevitably come back with
 something and whatever it is that you purchased will be the thing you did
 not need.
%%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%%
Don't go to business school.
 -- Paul Hawken (to aspiring entrepreneurs)
%%
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
%%
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.   Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart
and rich.
 -- Calvin Keegan
%%
Don't hate yourself in the morning - Sleep till noon.
%%
Don't have a cow, Homer!
 -- Bart, from The Simpsons
%%
Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%%
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain.  They steal your energy and keep
you from love.
 -- Leo F. Buscaglia
%%
Don't honk - I'm pedaling as fast as I can.
 -- Bumpersticker
%%
Don't ignore details.  Lick them.
%%
Don't I know you?
%%
Don't invest all your money in just one or two stocks. That's the danger. I
 know a man who put all his money in just two stocks, a paper-towel company
 and a revolving-door outfit. He was wiped out before he could turn around.
 -- Dave Astor
%%
Don't investigate this too closely.
 -- Don Bellisario, re: "Quantum Leap"
%%
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till its gone?
%%
Don't jump on a man unless he's down.
 -- Finley Peter Dunne
%%
Don't just do something. Stand there and ponder.
%%
Don't just flirt--hit me with a clue-by-four.
%%
Don't just stand there--buy something!
%%
Don't just stand there--scratch my back!
%%
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude:
"I WILL fail.  I WILL fail."
 -- Charles Kurak
%%
Don't kill the whale.
%%
Don't knock masturbation---it's sex with someone I love.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
%%
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a
conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Don't laugh... your daughter loves me.
%%
Don't laugh - your daughter might be in here.
 -- Bumpersticker on old truck
%%
Don't lean on me, man, 'cuz you couldn't get a ticket
back from Suffragette City
 -- David Bowie
%%
Don't learn from other peoples mistakes, it's more fun to go out and make
them yourself!
%%
Don't learn the tricks of the trade - learn the trade.
%%
Don't leave any fun in the Bank when you die.
 -- Rule #1
%%
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.
 -- Mae West
%%
Don't let grades be a measure of your dream; measure your education by
    your determination to achieve that dream.
 -- Gordon Wong
%%
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
 -- last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
%%
Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to
begin where he was.
 -- Richard L. Evans
%%
Don't let love interfere with your appetite.  It never does with mine.
 -- Anthony Trollope
%%
Don't let people drive you crazy,
when you know it's in walking distance.
%%
Don't let the best you have done so far be the standard for the rest of you
life.
%%
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
%%
Don't let the fact that you can't do all you want to do keep you
from doing what you can do.
%%
Don't let the little guy think for the big guy.
%%
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now -- I am not grieving.
 -- Steven Stills
%%
Don't let the same dog bite you twice.
 -- Chuck Berry
%%
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
%%
Don't let your mouth write a check that your tail can't cash.
 -- Bo Diddley
%%
Don't let your superiors know you're better than they are.
 -- First Rule of Superior Inferiority
%%
Don't lie if you don't have to.
 -- Leo Szilard
%%
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
 -- [A knowledgeable person can determine, with reasonable accuracy,
 -- the age of a horse, based on how far the teeth are worn]
[Noli equi denti inspicere donati]
 -- Saint Jerome
%%
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
%%
Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
 -- Satchell Page
%%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%%
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #03
%%
Don't look forward to the day you are going to stop suffering and getting
 frustrated, since when it comes, you are dead!
%%
...Don't look much like Southampton Docks to me, my lord.
What?
Well, those streams of molten lava and that steaming mangrove swamp...
  And that crowd of beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and
  pointing to a pot...
...Oh, God...
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
%%
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
%%
Don't look now, but the waiter behind you
is about to stab you in the back with a red hot poker.
%%
Don't look to me. Don't ask for help.    Don't ask for anything that you
  can do yourself.
 -- Lemmy Kilmister
%%
Don't lose heart...
 -- White's Statement
...they might want to cut it out...
 -- Owen's Commentary on White's Statement
...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
 -- Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary
%%
Don't lose your head to gain a minute.
 You need your head, your brains are in it.
 -- Burma Shave
%%
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
%%
Don't make a molehill out of a can of beans.
%%
Don't make me speak in a New Language,
 Just let me tell you the way that I feel about you.
 I sure don't want to offend anyone,
 But if you take away my words, how can I tell you the truth?
 -- Moe Berg of TPOH
%%
Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat
 you like dogs.
 -- Martha Scott
%%
Don't make your living with your mouth.
 -- Mary Kate McCabe
%%
Don't malign the bug-eyed monster- Oh, he kidnaps girls, it's true,
But bear in mind that all he wants to do is what YOU'RE trying to do.
%%
Don't mark the spot where you bury the hatchet.
%%
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
%%
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy.
 -- Murphy's Real Law
%%
Don't mess with the crude, rude dude, when he's not in the mood.
%%
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
%%
Don't mind me--I'll just bleed.
%%
Don't misunderstand me. I have great respect for your father.
You do not speak with respect.
She seems very adversarial.
I am merely stating a fact, Admiral.
 -- Admiral Haftel and Lal, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
Don't mock the insecure.
%%
Don't mourn, organize.
 -- Pete Seeger (from Joe Hill)
%%
Don't never join no organization that says it will accept you as a member,
 because such an organization isn't worth joining anyway, so it ain't worth
 your time to join the thing, cause they ain't got no standards whatsoever.
%%
 Don't never use no triple negatives.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
 Don't obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Don't open a shop unless you know how to smile.
 -- Jewish proverb
%%
Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see; the devils of truth
steal the souls of the free... don't open your eyes, take it from me.
I have found you can find happiness in slavery...
%%
Don't order a drink for the road,
because the road is already laid out.
 -- Flip Wilson
%%
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
%%
Don't Panic. Count to ten ... then Panic!
%%
Don't Panic! It's all right. Everything is going to be just fine.
%%
Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace
bypass.
%%
Don't Panic.
 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Don't park in the spaces marked, "Reserved for Umpires."
 -- John McSherry
%%
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist,
 but you have ceased to live.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamp-post.
%%
Don't pet burning dogs.
%%
Don't play dumb.  You're not as good at it as I am.
 -- Colonel Flagg, M*A*S*H
%%
Don't play for safety--it's the most dangerous thing in the world.
 -- Hugh Walpole
%%
Don't play hack at your work, your boss might hit you.
%%
Don't play President - you're not. The Constitution provides for only one
President. Don't forget it and don't be seen by others as not understanding
that fact.
 -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
Don't play "stupid" with me - I'm better at it.
%%
Don't praise the bread until it is baked.
%%
Don't preach to me by faith, but rather by truth.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
Don't pry into the affairs of others.
%%
Don't push me. I'm going 55. I've done 75; The fine was $49.
%%
Don't put all your eggs in your pocket.
 -- Celestine Clark
%%
Don't put in any time with Willie Horton visiting on weekends unless you
 can stand the publicity of appearing on a Republican ad for the Presidency
 of the United States.
%%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
 it today you can do it again tomorrow.
%%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can forget about entirely'
 -- Borderline's "The wisdom of Confushion"
%%
Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.
%%
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- The Little Gypsy (La Gitanilla)
%%
Don't question luck.
 -- Roberto Mesa
%%
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
%%
Don't read everything you believe.
%%
Don't read this sentence!
%%
Don't refuse to go on an occasional wild goose chase -- that's what
wild geese are for.
%%
Don't reinvent the wheel, just realign it.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Don't remember what you can infer.
 -- Harry Tennant
%%
Don't run faster than your shoes.
 -- Scottish saying
%%
Don't rush a miracle man.  You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
 -- From "The Princess Bride"
%%
Don't rush me--I'm dawdling as fast as I can!
%%
Don't salt other people's food.
 -- Bulgarian Proverb
%%
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't say no to indifference, just ignore it and it will go away.
%%
Don't say the same thing more than once. It's redundant and repetitious.
%%
Don't SAY things. What you ARE stands over you the
while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you
say to the contrary.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 -- Social Aims
%%
Don't say yes until I finish talking.
 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
%%
Don't send my boy to Harvard, the dying mother said. Don't send my
boy to Harvard, I'd rather see him dead.
%%
Don't settle for anything less than a Seiko Sports 100.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Don't shake hands [in the courthouse] with colleagues; the customers think
you're making deals.
 -- Horace Rumpole (John Mortimer)
%%
Don't shoot the pianist.
%%
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
%%
Don't smoke in bed, the ashes that fall on the carpet may be your own.
%%
Don't smother each other.  No one can grow in the shade.
 -- Leo F. Buscaglia
%%
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
%%
Don't speak ill of your predecessors (or successors) - you did not
walk in their shoes.
 -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence.
 -- Spanish proverb
%%
Don't spend two dollars to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the
 Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next
 morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
 -- Billiam Coronel
%%
Don't start comparing yourself to me. It'll just make you crazy.
%%
Don't start something you would be afraid to see finished.
%%
DON'T STEAL - The government hates competition.
%%
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Don't step on my scarf!
%%
Don't stop at one bug.
%%
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
%%
Don't store garlic near other victuals.
 -- Lazurus Long
%%
Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are
walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
%%
Don't surround yourself with yourself.
%%
Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
 -- Brazil
%%
Don't swap horses in the middle of the stream.
 -- 1864 Abraham Lincoln Re-Election Slogan
%%
Don't sweat it, it's only ones and zeros.
%%
Don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things.
%%
Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a
 chef.
 -- Andy Rooney
%%
Don't take life so seriously... it's only a temporary situation.
%%
Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent.
 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
%%
Don't take life too seriously.  You'll never get out alive.
 -- Bugs Bunny
%%
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
 -- Hubbard's Law
%%
Don't take the wrong side of an argument just because your opponent
has taken the right side.
 -- Baltasar Gracian
%%
Don't take yourself too seriously. And don't be too serious about not
 taking yourself too seriously.
 -- Howard Ogden
%%
Don't talk to me about a man's being able to talk sense; everyone
can talk sense- can he talk nonsense?
 -- William Pitt the Elder
%%
Don't talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!
 -- The Censored Hacker
%%
Don't tap your foot--it makes your arms get tired.
 -- Thelonious Monk (to his bass player)
%%
Don't teach your children what to think; just teach them to think.
 -- Tannenbaum
%%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%%
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on National TV...
%%
Don't tell a soul you found a secret door, otherwise it isn't secret anymore.
%%
Don't tell a woman she's pretty; tell her there's no other woman like her,
 and all roads will open to you.
 -- Jules Renard
%%
Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't
tell them where they know the fish.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
 -- James J. Ling
%%
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!
%%
Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
%%
Don't tell your friends their social faults: they will cure the fault and
 never forgive you.
 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
%%
Don't they have a rule about letting fags in the cafeteria?"

"Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes.
 -- Heathers
%%
Don't think; let the machine do it for you!
 -- E. C. Berkeley
%%
Don't think of him as a Republican, think of him as the man I love;
and if that doesn't work, think of him as the man who can crush you.
 -- John F. Kennedy Jr., on how cousin Maria Shriver
 -- introduced uncle Teddy Kennedy to hubby Arnold Schwarzenegger.
%%
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
 keep a total stranger alive.   It's really a total stranger giving
 up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
%%
Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.
 -- Malayan Proverb
%%
Don't think.  Thinking is the enemy of creativity.  It's self-conscious,
and anything self-conscious is lousy.  You can't try to do things.
 You simply must do things.
 -- Ray Bradbury
%%
Don't think too hard ... you might hurt yourself.
 -- Victor Moore
%%
Don't think twice ... it's alright.
 -- Bob Dylan
%%
Don't think you're funny. It'll never work if you think you're funny.
 -- George Abbott (to an actor in a comic role)
%%
Don't throw away the old bucket until you know if the new one holds water.
 -- Swedish proverb
%%
Don't throw stones at your neighbors, if you expect to buy their natural gas.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
Don't throw stones at your neighbors' if your own windows are glass.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Don't torture yourself...that's my job.
%%
Don't tread on me!
%%
Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #47
%%
Don't trust seagulls to explain anything.  It's a *fork*, and don't
forget it.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Don't try this at home, kids. This should only be done by
trained, professional idiots.
 -- Plucky Duck
%%
Don't try to be different. Just be good. To be good is different enough.
 -- Arthur Freed
%%
Don't try to buy at the bottom and sell at the top. This can't be
 done--except by liars.
 -- Bernard Baruch
%%
Don't try to engage my enthusiasm--I haven't got one.
%%
Don't try to fix the students, fix ourselves first. The good teacher makes
 the poor student good and the good student superior. When our students
 fail, we, as teachers too, have failed.
 -- Marva Collins
%%
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Don't try to join the "hit parade."
 -- Pete Seeger
%%
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal.
 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
 -- Bing's Rule
%%
Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Don't use a run on sentence you got to punctuate it.
 -- Writing Rule 09
%%
 Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Don't use contractions in formal writing.
%%
 Don't use no double negatives
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
 Don't use question marks inappropriately?
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Don't use tautological, repetitive or redundant statements.
 -- Writing Rule 32
%%
Don't use your conscious past, use your creative imagination to create a
 past that belongs to your character. I don't want you to be stuck with your
 own life. It's too little! It's too bitty-caca.
 -- Stella Adler
%%
Don't vote. The government will get in.
 -- Anarchist's Slogan
%%
Don't wait for answers, just take your chances, don't ask me why
 -- B.Joel
%%
Don't wait for people to be friendly; show them how.
%%
Don't wait for pie in the sky when you die! Get yours now, with ice cream
 on top!
 -- Reverend Ike (Frederick J. Eikerenkoetter II)
%%
Don't wait for the last judgement - it takes place every day.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.  Don't walk behind me, I may
not lead.  Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
Don't wanna cause a big s-s-sensation,
 just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation.
 -- The Who
%%
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
 -- Bob Marley
%%
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
%%
Don't worry about it. I'll worry about it.    I was going to be up late
  anyway.
 -- Joe Walsh
%%
Don't worry about ladders in your stockings.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
     Don't worry about opposition.
     Remember, a kite rises against the wind, not with it.
 -- HAMILTON WRIGHT MABIE
%%
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.   If your ideas are any
good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
 -- Howard Aiken
%%
Don't worry about polls, but if you do, don't admit it.
 -- Rosalynn Carter
%%
Don't worry about the war.  It's all over but the shooting.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
  tomorrow in Australia.
 -- Charles Schultz
%%
Don't worry about things that you have no control over, because you
 have no control over them.   Don't worry about things that you have
 control over, because you have control over them.
 -- Mickey Rivers
%%
Don't worry about who you step on when you're on the
way up if you don't plan on coming down.
%%
Don't worry about your heart. It will last you as long as you live.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
Don't worry.  Baldrick has a cunning plan.
%%
Don't worry. Be happy.
 -- Bobby McFerrin
%%
Don't worry--be silly!
%%
Don't worry--Cthulhu LIKES your sense of humor.
%%
Don't worry, I can handle it.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Don't worry, I could go on all night!
Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
 -- Mosher's Law of Software Engineering
%%
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
 you can always take something for it.
%%
Don't worry--I know my glamour is the sort that terrifies weaklings.
%%
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo...
%%
Don't worry, it doesn't bite.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Don't worry, it's safe.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Don't worry, lightning never strikes twice in the same.
%%
Don't worry, Mr.B. I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem
  of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head...
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
 ..  FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
 BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!..  Are there any QUESTIONS??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking of them.
 -- Edelstein's Advice
%%
Don't worry son, the marines don't mind killing Martians.
 -- Army philosophy in "Invaders from Mars"
%%
Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
%%
Don't worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my
 level, are infinitesimal.
%%
Don't worry until the chickens are dead.
 -- Shane
%%
Don't Write On Walls!
 -- Graffiti O' the Week
You want I should type?
 -- underneath
%%
Don't write stage directions. If it is not apparent what the character is
 trying to accomplish by saying the line, telling us how the character said
 it, or whether or not she moved to the couch, isn't going to aid the case.
 -- David Mamet
%%
Don't write the program before you've designed it.
%%
 Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
 Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
 it!...  Don't...!
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%%
Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?
 -- Charlie Gibbs
%%
Dont you just love a place that takes away your name and gives you a number.
%%
Don't you know it's gonna be All right?
%%
 ... don't you know that there are things, in the best of us, which
no outside should dare to touch?  Things sacred because, and only
because, one can say: 'This is mine'?  Don't you know that we live
only for ourselves, the best of us do, those who are worthy of it?
Don't you know that there is something in us which must not be touched
by any state, by any collective, by any number of millions?
 -- Kira Argounova
%%
Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk.
 -- Tom Waits
%%
Don't you know we're riding on the Marrakesh Express?
%%
'Don't you know what good, clean fun is?'
'No, what good is it?'
 -- Benny Hill
%%
Don't you look at me in that tone of voice
%%
Don't you think the important thing when you're freezing to death is to
 keep your cool?
 -- Peter De Vries
%%
Don't you think you're being rather high-handed, young man?   You
  thought you saw a young girl enter the yard.  You imagine you heard
  her voice.  You believe she might be hidden inside there. [ It's not
  very substantial, is it?]
 -- Doctor, An Unearthly Child
%%
Don't you wish you were where you were
when you were wishing you were here?
%%
:donuts: n.obs. A collective noun for any set of memory bits.  This
   usage is extremely archaic and may no longer be live jargon; it
   dates from the days of ferrite-{core} memories in which each bit
   was implemented by a doughnut-shaped magnetic flip-flop.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Door locked.  Try control-alt-delete
 -- WindowError: 016
%%
:doorstop: n. Used to describe equipment that is non-functional and
   halfway expected to remain so, especially obsolete equipment kept
   around for political reasons or ostensibly as a backup.  "When we
   get another Wyse-50 in here, that ADM 3 will turn into a doorstop."
   Compare {boat anchor}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
you through times of no dope.
 -- Gilbert Shelton
%%
:do protocol: [from network protocol programming] vi. To perform an
   interaction with somebody or something that follows a clearly
   defined procedure.  For example, "Let's do protocol with the
   check" at a restaurant means to ask for the check, calculate the
   tip and everybody's share, collect money from everybody, generate
   change as necessary, and pay the bill.  See {protocol}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dorian Graying:
 The unwillingness to gracefully allow one's body to show signs
of aging.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Do right, and you will be conspicuous.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
 -- Twain's notebook as reported by Albert Bigelow Paine, Mark Twain:
A Biography (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1912)
%%
Dorion, ridiculing the description of a tempest in the "Nautilus"
of Timotheus, said that he had seen a more formidable storm in a boiling
saucepan.
 -- Athenaeus (c. 200 AD)
 -- The Deipnosophists, viii, 19
%%
Doroga k Zvjozdam Otkrita.
[The way to the stars is open.]
 -- Sergei Koroljov
%%
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and
millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines
in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches
are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a
higher life form.
 -- New York Times, November 26, 1991
%%
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something...
%%
DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1.
%%
DOS is the greatest computer virus ever written
 -- UNIX user
%%
DOS is todays CP/M - Windows is tomorrows CP/M.
%%
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
%%
'Do-so' is more important than 'say-so'.
 -- Pete Seeger
%%
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
%%
Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule
 for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Do something for the joy of doing it and pray you won't be punished.
 -- Sammy Cahn
%%
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
%%
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
%%
D.O.S. - program designed to make an even flow of dust round the disk.
%%
DOS: Tells a computer what to do with itself
%%
Dos thou strive for perfection?
%%
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
%%
DOS Tip : Don't use DOS.
%%
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff
life is made of.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?
 -- Count Oxenstierna
%%
DOS + Windows + ATM < OS/2 2.0
%%
Do televangelists do more than lay people?
%%
:dot file: [UNIX] n. A file that is not visible by default to
   normal directory-browsing tools (on UNIX, files named with a
   leading dot are, by convention, not normally presented in directory
   listings).  Many programs define one or more dot files in which
   startup or configuration information may be optionally recorded; a
   user can customize the program's behavior by creating the
   appropriate file in the current or home directory.  (Therefore, dot
   files tend to {creep} --- with every nontrivial application
   program defining at least one, a user's home directory can be
   filled with scores of dot files, of course without the user's
   really being aware of it.)  See also {profile} (sense 1), {rc
   file}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Do the routine fast and first. Do the planning slow and thorough.
%%
"Do they still keep track of me at the Agency?"
  "We heard you married some old Nazi."
"He was NOT a Nazi -- he was Austrian."
  "So was Hitler."
"Yes, but *he* had no sense of humor."
 -- A wonderful exchange between Glenda Jackson and
 -- Walter Matthau in HOPSCOTCH, a film well worth searching out
%%
Doth perfect beauty stand in need of praise at all? Nay; no more than
law, no more than truth, no more than loving kindness, nor than modesty.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 20
%%
Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
 Falling in comes to mind.
%%
Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God's
 sake do it first!
%%
Double!
%%
Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
  An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
belief in the tooth fairy.
%%
:double DECkers: n. Used to describe married couples in which both
   partners work for Digital Equipment Corporation.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
:doubled sig: [USENET] n. A {sig block} that has been included
   twice in a {USENET} article or, less commonly, in an electronic
   mail message.  An article or message with a doubled sig can be
   caused by improperly configured software.  More often, however, it
   reveals the author's lack of experience in electronic
   communication.  See {BIFF}, {pseudo}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
%%
Double your intelligence or no money back!
 -- Gary Larson
%%
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
 -- Kahlil Gibran
%%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition but certainty is an absurd one.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
%%
Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.
%%
Doubt not but angling will prove to be so pleasant that it will prove
to be, like virtue, a reward to itself.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 1
%%
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
  Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
  But never doubt I love.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see.  Judge yourself and
you see judges everywhere.  But if you listen to the sound of your
own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment.  And you can see
forever.
 -- Nancy Kerrigan
%%
Do under others as you would have them do under you.
%%
Do unto others what you would, and then split before they realize what you
 have done.
%%
Do unto your data that which you can undo.
%%
Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.
 -- Goerge Ade
%%
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
%%
Do we have any more animals that Grandma can torture?
 -- NOTHING IN COMMON
%%
Do we know much about women? Do we? We don't. We know when they're happy,
 we know when they're crying, we know when they're pissed off. We just don't
 know what order those are gonna come at us.
 -- Evan Davis
%%
Do well and right, and let the world sink.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Country Parson, Chap. xxix
%%
Do we really want the people who solved the S & L
crisis to solve the education crisis?
%%
Dowered with the hate of hate, the scorn of scorn,
The love of love.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Poet
%%
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%%
Do whatever you like, but not here.
%%
Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
 -- Gary Novak
%%
Do whatever you want. You don't matter.
%%
Do what I mean, not what I say!
%%
Do what is right, though the world may perish.
 -- Immanuel Kant
%%
Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the law of the Hole.
%%
Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law, but then
there is always chaos to consider.
%%
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
Do what you do in Hollywood.  Run drinks, tend bar, gerbil racing.
 -- James Wood,  The Hard Way
%%
DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD, YOU DAMN FISH!!
 -- Aquaman
%%
Do what you wanna, do what you will;
 Just don't mess up your neighbor's thrill.
 And when you pay the bill, kindly leave a little tip
 To help the next poor sucker on his one-way trip.
 -- Frank Zappa, You Are What You Is
%%
Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone!!
 -- George Carlin
%%
do while, do until,
do case, do-wah-ditty.
 -- The four basic building blocks of a structured program
%%
Do witches run spell checkers?
%%
:down: 1. adj. Not operating.  "The up escalator is down" is
   considered a humorous thing to say, and "The elevator is down"
   always means "The elevator isn't working" and never refers to
   what floor the elevator is on.  With respect to computers, this
   term has passed into the mainstream; the extension to other kinds
   of machine is still hackish.  2. `go down' vi. To stop
   functioning; usually said of the {system}.  The message from the
   {console} that every hacker hates to hear from the operator is
   "System going down in 5 minutes".  3. `take down', `bring
   down' vt. To deactivate purposely, usually for repair work or
   {PM}.  "I'm taking the system down to work on that bug in the
   tape drive."  Occasionally one hears the word `down' by itself
   used as a verb in this vt. sense.  See {crash};
   oppose {up}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Down at the drug-store lunch counter I had time to inhale two cups
of coffee and a melted cheese sandwhich with two slivers of ersatz
bacon embedded in it, like dead fish in the silt at the bottom of a
drained pool.
 -- Raymond Chandler
%%
down-chuck
(downn tsh-uhk) v.: to re-ingest vomit at the last possible moment.
Compare: "bumgulp"
%%
:download: vt. To transfer data or (esp.) code from a larger `host'
   system (esp. a {mainframe}) over a digital comm link to a smaller
   `client' system, esp. a microcomputer or specialized peripheral.
   Oppose {upload}.

   However, note that ground-to-space communications has its own usage
   rule for this term.  Space-to-earth transmission is always `down'
   and the reverse `up' regardless of the relative size of the
   computers involved.  So far the in-space machines have invariably
   been smaller; thus the upload/download distinction has been
   reversed from its usual sense.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Down-Nesting:
 The tendency of parents to move to small, guest-room-free
houses after children have moved away so as to avoid children aged 20
to 30 who boomeranged home.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Down on exam day... there is nothing lonlier... nothing so final...
nothing so cruel... expecially if you haven't studied.
 -- The Swamp
%%
Down on your knees,
And thank Heaven, fasting, for a good man's love.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
"Downpour" by Wayne Dwops
%%
Down to the C in chips.
%%
 Down with categorical imperatives.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Down with everything that's up.
 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
%%
Down with government, up with anarchy!
%%
Down with ignurance!
%%
Do you accept Christ as your personal saviour?
 Well, I've already got AT&T as my long distance carrier.
%%
Do you agree?
 -- Blake
Do I have a choice?
 -- Avon
Yes
 -- Blake
Then I agree
 -- Avon
%%
Do you believe in reason?
%%
Do you believe the Washington Monument looks anything like George Washington?
 -- Brother Dave Gardner
%%
Do you cheat on your wife? asked the psychiatrist.
Who else? answered the patient.
%%
Do you come here often?
%%
"Do you consider $10 a week enough for a longshoreman with
a family to support?"

"If that's all he can get, and he takes it, I should say it's enough."
 -- J. P. Morgan (1837-1913)
%%
Do you doubt me?
I doubt any god who inflicts pain for his own pleasure.
 -- "God" & McCoy, "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
Do you ever feel like putting your fist through a window just so you can
feel something?
%%
Do you ever get feelings of Deja Vu?

Do you ever get feelings of Deja Vu?
%%
Do you feel that excitement of being a woman in the '90s? Maybe it's just
 static cling.
 -- Rhonda Hansome
%%
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do you have a job?
%%
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do you have lysdexia?
%%
Do you have PK? [yn]
I can't tell you how much that moves me.
%%
Do you have statistics to back up that statement?
 -- One of the world's worst questions
 -- Jane Goodsell
%%
Do you have trouble making up your mind?
Well, yes and no.
%%
Do you know
0320 ... APL?             0321 ... Ada?
0322 ... BCPL?            0323 ... C++?
0324 ... C?               0325 ... Comal?
0326 ... Eiffel?          0327 ... Forth?
0328 ... Fortran?         0329 ... Hypertalk?
0330 ... Icon?            0331 ... Lisp?
0332 ... Logo?            0333 ... MIIS?
0334 ... MUMPS?           0335 ... PL/I?
0336 ... Pilot?           0337 ... Plato?
0338 ... Prolog?          0339 ... RPG?
0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)? 0341 ... SETL?
0342 ... Smalltalk?       0343 ... Snobol?
0344 ... VHDL?            0345 ... any assembly language?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had
  the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you,
  I feel like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
 -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
%%
Do you know back at the turn of the century how
 long it took to cross Manhattan on horse?  What
 the average speed was?  Seven miles an hour.  You know
 what it is today?  Exactly the same, seven miles
 an hour.
 -- John Denver
%%
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
 -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
%%
Do you know how many of those pills it takes to prevent a super baby?
 Lois Lane
%%
Do you know how to use
0275 ... an oscilliscope?
0276 ... a voltmeter?
0277 ... a frequency counter?
0278 ... a logic probe?
0279 ... a wirewrap tool?
0280 ... a soldering iron?
0281 ... a logic analyzer?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Do you know it when you're being obnoxious?
%%
Do you know JESUS? If so, tell him he owes me $2.
%%
Do you know me with my clothes on?
%%
   Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
women?  They say, Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
will be all right.    And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in
trouble!
 -- Murphy's Discovery
%%
 Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter
what we are doing?   What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you? If
you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get to work
on that.
 -- Epictetus
%%
Do you know that doing your best is not good enough?   First you must know
 what to do.
 -- manufacturing-quality theorist W. Edwards Deming
%%
Do you know that you're one of the few predator species that preys
  even on itself?
 -- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
%%
Do you know the difference between jogging and sex? No! Then you'd better
 keep jogging.
%%
"... do you know the hallmark of a second-rater?  It's resentment
 of another man's achievement.  Those touchy mediocrities who
 sit trembling lest someone's work prove greater than their
 own... They envy achievement, and their dream of greatness is
 a world where all men have become their acknowledged inferiors.
 They don't know that that dream is the infallible proof of
 mediocrity, because that sort of world is what the man of
 achievement would not be able to bear... Have you ever felt
 the longing for someone you could admire?  For something,
 not to look down at, but up to?"
%%
Do you know the meaning of rigor mortis? Well, you will in a minute.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship...and a star to
  steer her by..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you...
  the sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the
  wind and the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours...you
  can feel her...and the stars are still there.
 -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
%%
Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody is as
nasty as himself and hates them for it.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Do you know what a squiggle is?
 -- John Dann, Computer Graphics lecture
%%
Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means?
%%
Do you know what Freud said about dreams of flying? It means you're really
  dreaming about having sex.
 Indeed?  Tell me, then, what does it mean when you dream about having sex?
 -- Morpheus and Rose Walker
%%
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half?  Someone gets mad
 at you.  I found this out the hard way.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Do you know what I'd like to do if there weren't so many people around?
Break a chair across my teeth?
Well, after that.
Ain't love grand?
 -- Picard & Capt. Louvois, "The Measure of a Man", stardate 42523.7
%%
Do you know what I learned from you? I learned what is possible, and now I
must hold out for what I thought we had. I want to be very close to someone
I respect and admire and have somebody who feels the same way about me.
That or nothing. I realized that what I'm looking for is not what you're
looking for. You don't want what I want.
What do you think I want? I asked.
Exactly what you have. Many women you know a little and don't care very
much about. Superficial flirtations, mutual use, no chance of love. That's
my idea of hell. Hell is a place, a time, a consciousness, Richard, in
which there is no love. Horrible! Leave me out of it.
 -- Richard Bach, Spoken by Leslie Parrish, The Bridge Across Forever
%%
Do you know what it's like  alone, really alone? [They gave me] weapons,
  shelter, food -- everything I needed to live -- except companionship ...
  to send me here alone -- if that is not death, what is?
 -- Zarabeth of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.9.
%%
Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting
new party members?

If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you
can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you
were never a member.
%%
Do you know what's wrong with the world? England is in Palestine, Italy is
 in Ethiopia, Russia is in Spain, Germany is in Austria, Japan is in
 China--nobody stays home!
 -- Ed Wynn
%%
Do you know what the penalty is for disobeying orders, Blackadder?
Um...courtmartial followed by immediate cessation of chocolate rations?
 -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
 8 something.
%%
Do you know what you're talking about?
%%
Do you know what you see?  Do you see what you know?
%%
Do you know where your towel is?
%%
Do you know why the fairy sits at the top of the Xmas tree ?

 One year, Santa had one tree left over after giving everybody one, and when
 one of his fairy helpers asked what she should do with it, he told her.

 That`s why.
%%
Do you know yesterday I saw a fox in Picadilly?
 -- Mike Yates, INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS
%%
Do you like being like you are?
%%
Do you like good music? That sweet Soul Music.
 -- Atlantic Records
%%
Do you like living in confusion?
%%
..  Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do you love it do you hate it
There it is the way you made it
 -- Frank Zappa, "Brown Shoes Don't Make It"
%%
Do you mean I should just sit down, shut up, and wait?
Well, I wouldn't have put it quite like that.
 -- Picard and Riker, "Time Squared", stardate 42679.2
%%
Do you mind if I come inside, Mr. Dahmer?
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Do you mind if I jump up on your head? I feel like a walk around the block.
 -- Jack Kirkwood
%%
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
%%
Do you need help getting out of here?
%%
Do you need help getting out of the maze?
%%
Do you need me for anything, or shall I just sit here and rust?
 -- Marvin, the paranoid android
%%
Do you need some help crossing the river?
%%
Do you need some help to escape?
%%
Do you own your desires?
%%
Do you realise the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
between Richard Nixon and the White House.
%%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
 the time to take the dirt out of them?
%%
Do you realize that you are responsible for making this organization
a cost, rather than a profit, center?
%%
Do you really believe that fear of the damage that you could inflict with
your .22 Squirrel Blaster is the only thing keeping the government in
check?
 -- Mark Oehlert
%%
Do you rent yourself out as sandpaper?
 -- Carolyn Scheppner
%%
Do your homework and keep good files. Know the background and biases of
 your sources.
 -- Jane Brody
%%
Do your kids a favor--don't have any.
 -- Robert Orben
%%
Do you seek Alcides' equal? None is, except himself.
 -- Seneca (8 BC)
 -- Hercules Furens, i, 1, 84
%%
Do you see what you don't know?  Do you know what you don't see?
%%
"Do you sometimes have a kind of Deja Vu ?"
"No, but I could ask for it in the kitchen."
 -- from the movie "Groundhog Day"
%%
Do you speak English?
Ah...a little.
Yes - when you say 'a little' what exactly do you mean, I mean
  can we talk, or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon
  asking each other the way to the beach in very loud voices?
No - I can order coffee...deal with waiters...make sexy chit-chat
  with girls, that sort of thing...just don't ask me to take a
  physiology class or direct a light opera...
 -- Edmund and Count Frufru - Nob and Nobility
%%
Do you still remember your last cookie?
%%
Do you think anyone's ever bitten their tongue and then decided to eat the
 rest?
 -- Drake Sather
%%
Do you think God gets stoned?  I think so...look at the Platypus.
 -- Robin Williams
%%
Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
Do you think I was born in a wood to be afraid of an owl?
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue i
%%
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
%%
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
 out a quarter?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Do you think there's a God?"
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
 -- Calvin & Hobbes
%%
Do you think the service station could sell me Midnight Oil?
Well no, but they did sell me ice
Then to the Optometrist for R.E.M.
They said it was my mind, not my eyes
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
"Do you think the State or any other institution should do
more for writers?"

The State should do no more for writers than it should do for
any other person who lives in it.  The State should give shelter, food,
warmth, etc., whether the person works for the State or not.  Choice of
work, and the money that comes from it, should then be free for that
man; what work, what money, is his own bother.
 -- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
%%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
  "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
  "I thought you said you were an accountant?"
 -- Two characters in "A Private Function"
%%
 Do you think you can manage a smile? It's only for a fiftieth of a
 second.
 -- Frank Modell
%%
Do you think you'll be the guy to make the Queen of the Angels sigh?
%%
Do you think your father and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?
%%
Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be
 Snow White!
 -- David Frost
%%
Do you want fries with that?
 -- McDonald's slogan
%%
Do you want this to become violent?
 -- Wesley to Rondon, "Coming of Age", stardate 41416.2
%%
Do you want to know what's wrong with you?
%%
Do you want to see my list of top ten pickups, you might get a few pointers.
%%
Do you want to see something swell?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Do you want to visit hell? Dig a *very* deep hole.
%%
==========================================
| ,dP""8a "888888b,  d8b    "888b  ,888" |
| 88b   "  888  d88 dPY8b    88Y8b,8888  |
| `"Y8888a 888ad8P'dPaaY8b   88 Y88P888  |
| a,   Y88 888    dP    Y8b  88  YP 888  |
| `"8ad8P'a888a  a88a;*a888aa88a   a888a |
|                ;*;;;;*;;;*;;;*,,       |
|        _,---'':::';*;;;*;;;*;;*d;,     |
|     .-'      ::::::::::';*;;*;dII;     |
|   .' ,<<<,.  :::::::::::::::ffffff`.   |
|  / ,<<<<<<<<,::::::::::::::::fffffI,\  |
| .,<<<<<<<<<<I;:::::::::::::::ffffKIP", |
| |<<<<<<<<<<dP;,?>;,::::::::::fffKKIP | |
| ``<<<<<<<dP;;;;;\>>>>>;,::::fffKKIPf ' |
|  \ `mYMMV?;;;;;;;\>>>>>>>>>,YIIPP"` /  |
|   `. "":;;;;;;;;;i>>>>>>>>>>>>>,  ,'   |
|     `-._``":;;;sP'`"?>>>>>=========.   |
|         `---..._______...|<[Hormel |   |
|                          `========='   |
=====================================(FL)=
%%
:DPB: /d*-pib'/ [from the PDP-10 instruction set] vt. To plop
   something down in the middle.  Usage: silly.  "DPB yourself into
   that couch there."  The connotation would be that the couch is
   full except for one slot just big enough for one last person to sit
   in.  DPB means `DePosit Byte', and was the name of a PDP-10
   instruction that inserts some bits into the middle of some other
   bits.  Hackish usage has been kept alive by the Common LISP function
   of the same name.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DPC     Decrement program counter
%%
:DP: /D-P/ n. 1. Data Processing.  Listed here because,
   according to hackers, use of the term marks one immediately as a
   {suit}.  See {DPer}.  2. Common abbrev for {Dissociated
   Press}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:DPer: /dee-pee-er/ n. Data Processor.  Hackers are absolutely
   amazed that {suit}s use this term self-referentially.
   *Computers* process data, not people!  See {DP}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
DPMI    Declare Programmer Mentally Incompetent
%%
DPN     Double Precision No-op (Bobby Baum)
%%
DPR     Destroy Program
%%
DPR     Distribute Packages Randomly
%%
DPS     Disable Power Supply
%%
Dracula died in vain.
%%
DRAF    DRAw Flowchart
%%
Draft beer, not people.
%%
Draft
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 08
%%
Draft politicians, not human beings.
 -- antidraft slogan coined by Jeff Daiell, 1979
%%
:Dragon Book: n. The classic text "Compilers: Principles,
   Techniques and Tools", by Alfred V. Aho, Ravi Sethi, and Jeffrey D.
   Ullman (Addison-Wesley 1986; ISBN 0-201-10088-6), so called because
   of the cover design featuring a dragon labeled `complexity of
   compiler design' and a knight bearing the lance `LALR parser
   generator' among his other trappings.  This one is more
   specifically known as the `Red Dragon Book' (1986); an earlier
   edition, sans Sethi and titled "Principles Of Compiler Design"
   (Alfred V. Aho and Jeffrey D. Ullman; Addison-Wesley, 1977; ISBN
   0-201-00022-9), was the `Green Dragon Book' (1977).  (Also `New
   Dragon Book', `Old Dragon Book'.)  The horsed knight and the
   Green Dragon were warily eying each other at a distance; now the
   knight is typing (wearing gauntlets!) at a terminal showing a
   video-game representation of the Red Dragon's head while the rest
   of the beast extends back in normal space.  See also {{book
   titles}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:dragon: n. [MIT] A program similar to a {daemon}, except that
   it is not invoked at all, but is instead used by the system to
   perform various secondary tasks.  A typical example would be an
   accounting program, which keeps track of who is logged in,
   accumulates load-average statistics, etc.  Under ITS, many
   terminals displayed a list of people logged in, where they were,
   what they were running, etc., along with some random picture (such
   as a unicorn, Snoopy, or the Enterprise), which was generated by
   the `name dragon'.  Usage: rare outside MIT --- under UNIX and most
   other OSes this would be called a `background demon' or
   {daemon}.  The best-known UNIX example of a dragon is
   `cron(1)'.  At SAIL, they called this sort of thing a
   `phantom'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dragon Obedience School Dropout
%%
Dragonriders do it in between
%%
"Dragon?  What dragon?"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
DRAGOON, n.  A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal
measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on
horseback.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:drain: [IBM] v. Syn. for {flush} (sense 2).  Has a connotation
   of finality about it; one speaks of draining a device before taking
   it offline.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)
%%
DRAMATIST, n.  One who adapts plays from the French.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
 (Drawling granny voice:)  Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
 didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine.  You jusht
 had to call and call until shummbody got home.  Now, shum
 people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
 lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a lot.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
Draw your salary before spending it.
%%
DRD     Drop Dead (crashes everything)
%%
DR      Detach Root
%%
:dread high-bit disease: n. A condition endemic to PRIME (a.k.a.
   PR1ME) minicomputers that results in all the characters having
   their high (0x80) bit ON rather than OFF.  This of course makes
   transporting files to other systems much more difficult, not to
   mention talking to true 8-bit devices.  Folklore had it that PRIME
   adopted the reversed-8-bit convention in order to save 25 cents per
   serial line per machine; PRIME old-timers, on the other hand, claim
   they inherited the disease from Honeywell via customer NASA's
   compatibility requirements and struggled heroically to cure it.
   Whoever was responsible, this probably qualifies as one of the
   most {cretinous} design tradeoffs ever made.  See {meta bit}.
   A few other machines have exhibited similar brain damage.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dreading the climax of all human ills, The inflammation of his weekly bills.
 -- Byron
%%
Dream after dream ensures, and still they dream that they shall still
succeed, and still are disappointed.
 -- William Cowper
%%
 (Dreamily:)  "Dewdrop, in your pure fresh waters, let me wash
 these dirty hands of life."  (Roughly:)  Now, *that's* what I
 call a message!  If yours is at least that good, maybe I'll call
 you back...
 -- Answering machine madness - miscellaneous
%%
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely
insane every night of our lives.
 -- William Dement
%%
Dreams are necessary to life.
 -- Anais Nin
%%
Dreams are the touchstones of our characters.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?
%%
Dreams, indeed, are ambition; for the very substance of the ambitious
is merely the shadow of a dream. And I hold ambition of so airy and
light a quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Dreams never hurt anybody if you keep working right behind the dreams
to make as much of them become real as you can.
 -- Frank W. Woolworth
%%
:DRECNET: /drek'net/ [from Yiddish/German `dreck', meaning
   filth] n. Deliberate distortion of DECNET, a networking protocol
   used in the {VMS} community.  So called because DEC helped write
   the Ethernet specification and then (either stupidly or as a
   malignant customer-control tactic) violated that spec in the design
   of DRECNET in a way that made it incompatible.  See also
   {connector conspiracy}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dress impressively like the French, speak with authority like the Germans,
 have blond hair like the Scandinavians, and speak of no American presidents
 except, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy.
 -- Sylvaine Rouy Neves
%%
DRI     Disable Random Interrupt
%%
Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
you're crazy.
 -- Drillers to Edwin Drake, geologist, 1859
%%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%%
Drink and be whole again beyond confusion.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
%%
Drink, Drink, Drink, and be ill tonight.
 -- Morrisey
%%
Drinking and driving do not mix. Besides, even when you are just sitting in
 the car, the gasoline tastes terrible.
%%
Drinking can be hazardous to your health.
%%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such
fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
DRINKING: No falling down. No puking-unless to empty
the stomach in order to continue drinking. No slurring
of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that scar? I
was in 'Nam and I ate a grenade and it blew up in my
colon." If your aim is off due to alcohol, it's
acceptable to punch someone in the head or solar
plexus.
 -- Denis Leary from "Are you Man enough?"
%%
Drinking potions of booze may land you in jail if you are under 21.
%%
Drink injures a person internally, externally and eternally.
%%
Drink like a fish.  Try to get legless.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Timothy v, 23
%%
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.
 -- Knute Rockne
%%
Drink to-day, and drown all sorrow;
You shall perhaps not do 't to-morrow.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- The Bloody Brother, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Drink to me.
 -- Last words of Pablo Picasso
%%
Drink to me only with thine eyes,
  And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
  And I 'll not look for wine.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- The Forest, To Celia
%%
Drink up.  The world's about to end.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Drink wet cement and you get really stoned.
%%
Drink ye to her that each loves best!
  And if you nurse a flame
That 's told but to her mutual breast,
  We will not ask her name.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Drink ye to Her
%%
Drink your coffee - there are people in India sleeping.
 -- Seen on a coffee cup
%%
Drive a car with an automatic transmission.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Drive A: not responding... Formating C: instead
%%
Drive carefully.  90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
%%
Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally.
 -- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
%%
"Drive carefully - we can wait!"
 -- Sign in the Funeral Parlor
%%
Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream
%%
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
%%
Drive-in banks were invented so that automobiles
could visit their real owners.
%%
Drive is more than motivation. It is self motivation.
%%
:driver: n. 1. The {main loop} of an event-processing program;
   the code that gets commands and dispatches them for execution.
   2. [techspeak] In `device driver', code designed to handle a
   particular peripheral device such as a magnetic disk or tape unit.
   3. In the TeX world and the computerized typesetting world in
   general, a program that translates some device-independent or other
   common format to something a real device can actually
   understand.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Drive thy business, or it will drive thee.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
drive type not configured.
%%
Drive your cart and plow over the bones of the dead.
%%
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on
 cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They
 don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm
 on the witness stand. You know the rest.
%%
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed
 the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
%%
Driving makes you stupid; the more you drive, the stupider you get.
%%
Dr. McCoy, I hate your #*@%ing human guts.  Discussion?
%%
:droid: [from `android', SF terminology for a humanoid robot of
   essentially biological (as opposed to mechanical/electronic)
   construction] n. A person (esp. a low-level bureaucrat or
   service-business employee) exhibiting most of the following
   characteristics: (a) naive trust in the wisdom of the parent
   organization or `the system'; (b) a blind-faith propensity to
   believe obvious nonsense emitted by authority figures (or
   computers!); (c) a rule-governed mentality, one unwilling or unable
   to look beyond the `letter of the law' in exceptional
   situations; (d) a paralyzing fear of official reprimand or worse
   if Procedures are not followed No Matter What; and (e) no interest
   in doing anything above or beyond the call of a very
   narrowly-interpreted duty, or in particular in fixing that which is
   broken; an "It's not my job, man" attitude.

   Typical droid positions include supermarket checkout assistant and
   bank clerk; the syndrome is also endemic in low-level government
   employees.  The implication is that the rules and official
   procedures constitute software that the droid is executing;
   problems arise when the software has not been properly debugged.
   The term `droid mentality' is also used to describe the mindset
   behind this behavior. Compare {suit}, {marketroid}; see
   {-oid}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:drool-proof paper: n. Documentation that has been obsessively {dumbed
   down}, to the point where only a {cretin} could bear to read it, is
   said to have succumbed to the `drool-proof paper syndrome' or to
   have been `written on drool-proof paper'.  For example, this is
   an actual quote from Apple's LaserWriter manual: "Do not expose
   your LaserWriter to open fire or flame."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
drop cable -- what I'm tempted to do when I get my bill for HBO.
%%
Drop 'em.
 -- Pick up line
%%
:drop-ins: [prob. by analogy with {drop-outs}] n. Spurious
   characters appearing on a terminal or console as a result of line
   noise or a system malfunction of some sort.  Esp. used when these
   are interspersed with one's own typed input.  Compare
   {drop-outs}, sense 2.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:drop on the floor: vt. To react to an error condition by silently
   discarding messages or other valuable data.  "The gateway
   ran out of memory, so it just started dropping packets on the
   floor."  Also frequently used of faulty mail and netnews relay
   sites that lose messages.  See also {black hole}, {bit bucket}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:drop-outs: n. 1. A variety of `power glitch' (see {glitch});
   momentary 0 voltage on the electrical mains.  2. Missing characters
   in typed input due to software malfunction or system saturation
   (one cause of such behavior under UNIX when a bad connection to a
   modem swamps the processor with spurious character interrupts; see
   {screaming tty}).  3. Mental glitches; used as a way of
   describing those occasions when the mind just seems to shut down
   for a couple of beats.  See {glitch}, {fried}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga!"
%%
"DROPPED FROM UTS" is just VM's way of saying "UTS is out to lunch!"
%%
Drop the guy with the devil ears.
 -- NBC, June, 1965
%%
Drop the vase and it will become a ming of the past.
%%
Drop your trousers here for best results.
 -- Seen on a dry cleaner's window
%%
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxiii, 21
%%
'Dr. Pepper':  Amaretto & Coke
%%
Dr. Soong did not intend me to be used this way.
 -- Data
%%
DRT     Disconnect Random Terminal
%%
Drug:  any substance which, when injected into a laboratory animal,
produces a publication.
%%
Drug free school zone is a contradiction in terms.
%%
:drugged: adj. (also `on drugs') 1. Conspicuously stupid,
   heading toward {brain-damaged}.  Often accompanied by a
   pantomime of toking a joint (but see {Appendix B}).  2. Of hardware,
   very slow relative to normal performance.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
...Drugged, by God!!
...No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same..
 -- The Bishop and Edmund : Money
%%
Drugs are ruining your life.
%%
Drugs can make you feel *good*.
 -- Lt. Yar
%%
Drugs don't take people, people take drugs
 -- Abbie Hoffman
%%
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric
system.
 -- P.J. O'Rourke Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
%%
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
%%
DRUIDS, n.  Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which
did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.
Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.  Pliny says
their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as
Persia.  Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to
Britain.  Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have
obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his
talent for human sacrifice was considerable.
    Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing
of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents.  They
were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently
catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England --
Dissenters.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:drum: adj, n.  Ancient techspeak term referring to slow,
   cylindrical magnetic media that were once state-of-the-art storage
   devices.  Under BSD UNIX the disk partition used for swapping is
   still called `/dev/drum'; this has led to considerable humor
   and not a few straight-faced but utterly bogus `explanations'
   getting foisted on {newbie}s.  See also "{The Story of Mel, a
   Real Programmer}" in {Appendix A}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Drunkenness is the vice of a good constitution, or of a bad memory!
of a constitution so treacherously good, that it never bends till
it breaks; or of a memory that recollects the pleasures of getting
drunk, but forgets the pains of getting sober.
 -- Colton
%%
 (Drunken voice:)  You have reached Bob's hotline.  We are not
 able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions.  But if you
 leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder...  pa-a-a-a!
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
 -- Real Newspaper Headline
%%
Drunk: holds urinal for support. Pisses on his own shoe.
 -- Psychoanalysis through behavior at Urinals
%%
:drunk mouse syndrome: (also `mouse on drugs') n. A malady
   exhibited by the mouse pointing device of some computers.  The
   typical symptom is for the mouse cursor on the screen to move in
   random directions and not in sync with the motion of the actual
   mouse.  Can usually be corrected by unplugging the mouse and
   plugging it back again.  Another recommended fix for optical mice
   is to rotate your mouse pad 90 degrees.

   At Xerox PARC in the 1970s, most people kept a can of copier
   cleaner (isopropyl alcohol) at their desks.  When the steel ball on
   the mouse had picked up enough {cruft} to be unreliable, the
   mouse was doused in cleaner, which restored it for a while.
   However, this operation left a fine residue that accelerated the
   accumulation of cruft, so the dousings became more and more
   frequent.  Finally, the mouse was declared `alcoholic' and sent
   to the clinic to be dried out in a CFC ultrasonic bath.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dr. X hasn't lectured a Cambridge group before, so he might be quite
 interesting.
%%
Dry hair's for squids.
 -- Trancers
%%
Dry humor is wasted around here.
 -- Joel L. Seber
%%
Dry sun, dry wind;
Safe bind, safe find.
 -- Thomas Tusser (c. 1515-1580)
 -- Washing
%%
DS      Deadlock System
%%
DSI     Do Something Interesting
%%
DSO     Disable System Operator
%%
DSPK    Destroy Storage Protect Key
%%
DSR     Detonate Status register
%%
DSTD    Do Something Totally Different
%%
DSUIT   Do Something Utterly, Indescribably Terrible
%%
DTB     Destructively Test Bit
%%
DTC     Destroy This Command
%%
DT%FFP  DecTape - Unload and Flappa-Flap
%%
DTI     Do The Impossible
%%
%d total pages, dump
%%
DTRT    Do The Right Thing
%%
DT%SHO  DecTape - Spin Hubs Opposite
%%
DTVFL   Destroy Third Variable From Left
%%
DUCK-BILL, n.  Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back
season.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Duckies can be fun!
%%
Ducks? What ducks?
%%
Duck who fly upside down have quack up.
%%
Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
 holds the universe together. The only difference is that "May The Force be
 with you" sounds a lot nicer than "May you be covered in duct tape."
 -- Carl Swanzig
%%
Du da duh de duh da duh
 -- Angus Young
%%
DUD     Do Until Dead
%%
DU      Dump User
%%
DUEL, n.  A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two
enemies.  Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if
awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences
sometimes ensue.  A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.

    That dueling's a gentlemanly vice
        I hold; and wish that it had been my lot
        To live my life out in some favored spot --
    Some country where it is considered nice
    To split a rival like a fish, or slice
        A husband like a spud, or with a shot
        Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
    And ready to be put upon the ice.
    Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
        To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim
    The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
    I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng.
        It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came,
    Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
                                                          Xamba Q. Dar
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Due to a fairly new trend, funeral directors are urning a lot of money
 these days.
%%
Due to a lack of trained trumpeteers, the end of the world has been
 postponed indefinately.
%%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production
 of great leaders has been discontinued.
%%
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel
has been turned off.  Thank you for your cooperation.
%%
Due to circumstances within our control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
%%
Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with zinc.
%%
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.
%%
Due to lack of interest, next year is cancelled.
%%
Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from
today.  I do not give out extensions without good reason.
 -- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
%%
Duh. . . I didn't know FORMAT C: did that?
%%
Duke. And what 's her history?
Vio. A blank, my lord. She never told her love,
But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,
Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Dulce bellum inexpertis.
(War is sweet to those who do not fight.)
 -- Gerard Didier Erasmus (c. 1465-1536)
%%
DULLARD, n.  A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.
The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy
have overrun the habitable world.  The secret of their power is their
insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh
with a platitude.  The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence
they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having
blighted the crops.  For some centuries they infested Philistia, and
many of them are called Philistines to this day.  In the turbulent
times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread
all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,
literature, science and theology.  Since a detachment of Dullards came
over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report
of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion
has been rapid and steady.  According to the most trustworthy
statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but
little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.  The
intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,
but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
DULL
  Yes it is, isn't it.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:dumbass attack: /duhm'as *-tak'/ [Purdue] n. Notional cause of a
   novice's mistake made by the experienced, especially one made while
   running as {root} under UNIX, e.g., typing `rm -r *' or
   `mkfs' on a mounted file system.  Compare {adger}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:dumbed down: adj. Simplified, with a strong connotation of
   *over*simplified.  Often, a {marketroid} will insist that
   the interfaces and documentation of software be dumbed down after
   the designer has burned untold gallons of midnight oil making it
   smart.  This creates friction.  See {user-friendly}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dumb luck beats sound planning every time.  Trust me.
%%
dumb terminal -- a fatal case of stupidity.
%%
Dumb Terminal - doesn't understand what you're trying to get it to
do.  Intelligent Terminal - one that does understand what you're trying
to do, but is clever enough to screw up in an interesting way.
%%
:dumb terminal: n. A terminal that is one step above a {glass tty},
   having a minimally addressable cursor but no on-screen editing or
   other features normally supported by a {smart terminal}.  Once upon a
   time, when glass ttys were common and addressable cursors were
   something special, what is now called a dumb terminal could pass for
   a smart terminal.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:dump: n. 1. An undigested and voluminous mass of information about
   a problem or the state of a system, especially one routed to the
   slowest available output device (compare {core dump}), and most
   especially one consisting of hex or octal {runes} describing the
   byte-by-byte state of memory, mass storage, or some file.  In
   {elder days}, debugging was generally done by `groveling over'
   a dump (see {grovel}); increasing use of high-level languages
   and interactive debuggers has made such tedium uncommon, and the
   term `dump' now has a faintly archaic flavor.  2. A backup.  This
   usage is typical only at large timesharing installations.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
dump on %s fstype %s size %dK
%%
Dumpster Clocking:
 The tendency when looking at objects to guesstimate the amount
of time they will take to eventually decompose: "Ski boots are the
worst. Solid plastic. They'll be around till the sun goes supernova."
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
:dumpster diving: /dump'-ster di:'-ving/ n. 1. The practice of
   sifting refuse from an office or technical installation to extract
   confidential data, especially security-compromising information
   (`dumpster' is an Americanism for what is elsewhere called a
   `skip').  Back in AT&T's monopoly days, before paper shredders
   became common office equipment, phone phreaks (see {phreaking})
   used to organize regular dumpster runs against phone company plants
   and offices.  Discarded and damaged copies of AT&T internal manuals
   taught them much.  The technique is still rumored to be a favorite
   of crackers operating against careless targets.  2. The practice of
   raiding the dumpsters behind buildings where producers and/or
   consumers of high-tech equipment are located, with the expectation
   (usually justified) of finding discarded but still-valuable
   equipment to be nursed back to health in some hacker's den.
   Experienced dumpster-divers not infrequently accumulate basements
   full of moldering (but still potentially useful) {cruft}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dump the condiments.   If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good.
 -- Visionaries cartoon
%%
Dum vivimus, vivamus.
%%
Dungeon expects every monster to do his duty.
%%
:dup killer: /d[y]oop kill'r/ [FidoNet] n. Software that is
   supposed to detect and delete duplicates of a message that may
   have reached the FidoNet system via different routes.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Duplex: Having two apartments.
%%
:dup loop: /d[y]oop loop/ (also `dupe loop') [FidoNet] n. An
   infinite stream of duplicated, near-identical messages on a FidoNet
   {echo}, the only difference being unique or mangled identification
   information applied by a faulty or incorrectly configured system or
   network gateway, thus rendering {dup killer}s ineffective.  If
   such a duplicate message eventually reaches a system through which
   it has already passed (with the original identification
   information), all systems passed on the way back to that system are
   said to be involved in a {dup loop}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Duras: "Kill me and you are a traitor forever!"
Worf: "Then that...is how it shall be!"
 -- "Reunion", Stardate unknown
%%
Duras: "What is *that* doing here?"
"He has claimed the right of vengence."
Duras: "You have no *rights* here, traitor."
Worf: "K'Ehleyr...was my mate."
 -- "Reunion", Stardate unknown
%%
Duras: "You shall not wear this emblem of our people!"
 -- "Sins Of The Father", Stardate 43685.2
%%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
Hey, you almost hit my wife.
Did I?    cried the hunter, aghast.  Terribly sorry.   Have a
shot at mine, over there.
%%
During a hard period in Soviet history, the government showed _The_Grapes_Of_
_Wrath_ to the citizens, in an effort to show how much worse the United States
was.

All the citizens saw was that even the poorest Americans owned cars.
%%
During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride
 and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both,
 superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
 -- James Madison
%%
During an exam, the pocket calculator battery will fail.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
During my eighty-seven years I have witnessed a whole succession
of technological revolutions. But none of them has done away with
the need for character in the individual or the ability to think.
 -- Bernard M. Baruch
%%
During the Asparagus Season, members are requested not to relieve
themselves in the hatstand.
%%
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves
of Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless
London, Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British
people.  "I read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring
England's neck like that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of
what the Irish poacher said as he stood on the gallows.  Its seems the
poor fellow was approached by a well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest
who, in horrific detail, described the unfading torments of Hades which
awaited him if he did not repent of his misdeeds.  The condemned man
listened patiently to all that the priest had to say, and when he was done,
grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz nuts.'"
%%
During the Depression era my mother found out how to save money. She used
 to cheat bus drivers. She got on a bus with a transfer a day old. And the
 driver said, "Lady, this is from yesterday." And she said, "You see how
 long I've been waiting for the bus?"
 -- Bob Melvin
%%
During the intervening years, this ex-American baseball player who
defected to the Soviet Union rose through the ranks to the height of
power, where he is now the single, behind-the-scenes controlling force
behind all Soviet policy decisions.  It is he to whom Reagan refers as
'The Evil Umpire'.
 -- Glen Raphael "Recent U.S. Foreign Policy"
%%
  During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General
George ("Blood 'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the
city of Palermo.  He checked with his meteorologists and learned
the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy.  So he issued
an order to place copies of the New York "Times" immediately
beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops.
In this way the men could keep their feet dry.
  His staff was mystified.  Why the "Times"?  Why not the New
York "Daily News"?  Patton was adamant; and one did not argue
with the General.  As five tons of old copies of the "Times"
were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest
quotes to the assembled war correspondents:
        "THESE ARE THE 'TIMES' THAT DRY MEN'S SOLES."
%%
During the last presidential campaign, Quayle should have said "Read my
 lips." Everything he says falls on deaf ears anyway.
%%
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on
 your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
   During the race
     We may eat your dust,
    But when you graduate,
    You'll work for us.
 -- Reed College cheer
%%
    During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.  When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their was hoops before them.  The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were born.  Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
 -- The World According to Student Bloopers: Richard Lederer
%%
During these blessed color-days no cloud darkens the sky, the winds are gentle,
and the landscape rests, hushed everywhere, and indescribably impressive.
 -- John Muir
%%
During the summer, lots of young boys go through a great deal trying to
 prove that it actually IS suntan, and NOT dirt!
%%
During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs
using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides
handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him to move briskly
and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman.
%%
During this past Christmas while I was on a shopping spree in a department
 store I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down
 escalator. He said, "Mommy, what do they do when the basement gets full of
 steps?"
 -- Hal Linden
%%
Durken: "I will have to say that this morning, I was the leader of the universe
  as I knew it.  This afternoon, I am only a voice in a chorus.  But I think it
  was a good day."
 -- "First Contact", Stardate unknown
%%
Dusk faces with white silken turbans wreath'd.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Regained, Book iv, Line 76
%%
Dust-balls - The cheap man's tribble.
%%
Dust is an armor of poor quality.
%%
:dusty deck: n. Old software (especially applications) which one is
   obliged to remain compatible with, or to maintain ({DP} types
   call this `legacy code', a term hackers consider smarmy and
   excessively reverent).  The term implies that the software in
   question is a holdover from card-punch days.  Used esp. when
   referring to old scientific and {number-crunching} software,
   much of which was written in FORTRAN and very poorly documented but
   is believed to be too expensive to replace.  See {fossil};
   compare {crawling horror}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Duty is what one expects from others.
%%
DUTY, n.  That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,
along the line of desire.

    Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,
    Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
    His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
    But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,
            Instead.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Duty  then  is the sublimest word in the English language.  You
 should do your duty in all things.  You can never do more, you should
 never wish to do less.
 -- General Robert E. Lee
%%
DVMA Parity Error, ctx = 0x%x, virt addr = 0x%x
%%
Dwain Dibbly! How can I be Dwain Dibbly?
 -- Cat from "Red Dwarf"
%%
DWARF RAPES NUN, FLEES IN UFO.
%%
DW      Destroy Work
%%
DW      Destroy World
%%
DWEEB: Dummy With Electrical Engineering Background.
%%
Dweller in yon dungeon dark,
Hangman of creation, mark!
Who in widow weeds appears,
Laden with unhonoured years,
Noosing with care a bursting purse,
Baited with many a deadly curse?
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Ode on Mrs. Oswald
%%
DWIM    Do What I Mean
%%
Dwindle, peak, and pine.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
 D'ya think the rain'll hurt the rhubarb?
     Not if it's in cans.
     What, the rain, or the rhubarb?...
 -- ?
 -- Raising Arizona
%%
Dying can be hazardous to your health.
%%
Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
 -- Sylvia Plath
%%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.   And my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
 -- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
Dying is a wild night and a new road.
 -- Emily Dickinsom
%%
Dying is easy.  Comedy is hard.
%%
Dying ought to be done in black and white.  It is
 simply not a colorful activity.
 -- Russell Baker
%%
Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
 -- WindowError: 003
%%
:dynner: /din'r/ 32 bits, by analogy with {nybble} and
   {{byte}}.  Usage: rare and extremely silly.  See also {playte},
   {tayste}, {crumb}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Dyslexics have more fnu.
%%
Dyslexics of the world untie !
%%
Dyslexics untie! Together we can trip up the world
%%
Dyslexus:  the car for drivers who signal left and turn right.
%%
Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach.
%%
EAC     Emulate Acoustic Coupler
%%
Each clerk will bring in a bucket of water and scuttle
of coal for the day's business.
 -- Work Rule
%%
Each day, enough people to fill St. Louis, Missouri, leave their homes to
 go to a land other than the one in which they are currently living. This is
 an excellent opportunity for those who handle baggage to lose a lot more
 than they are doing.
%%
Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. Wash
the windows once a week.
 -- Work Rule
%%
Each else is matched with the preceding un-elsed if.
%%
Each friend represents a world in us,
a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
 -- Anais Nin
%%
Each generation has its sages.  Ancient Greece had Socrates.
We have bumper stickers.
%%
Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that
went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it.
 -- "The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell"
%%
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy
based on excellence of performance.
 -- James Bryant Conant
%%
Each in his narrow cell forever laid,
  The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 4
%%
Each kiss is as the first.
 -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome," stardate 4842.6.
%%
Each life makes its own immitation of immortality.
 -- Stephen King
%%
Each lonely scene shall thee restore;
  For thee the tear be duly shed,
Belov'd till life can charm no more,
  And mourn'd till Pity's self be dead.
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- Dirge in Cymbeline
%%
Each man can interpret another's experience only by his own.
 -- Thoreau
%%
Each Man must stand on his own!... Must answer to
his own God!...  I will probably WIN though...
 -- Flaming Carrot
%%
Each man reaps on his own farm.
 -- Plautus (254-184 BC)
 -- Mostellaria, Act iii, Sc. 2, 112, (799.)
%%
Each man takes care that his neighbor shall not cheat him.  But a
day comes when he begins to care that he does not cheat his neighbor.
 Then all goes well -- he has changed his market-cart into a chariot
of the sun.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Each morning puts a man on trial and each evening passes judgment.
 -- Roy L. Smith
%%
Each natural agent works but to this end,--
To render that it works on like itself.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Bussy D'Ambois, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Each of us bears his own Hell.
%%
Each of us has a spark of life inside us, and our highest endeavor
ought to be to set off that spark in one another.
 -- Kenny Ausubel
%%
 Each of us visits this Earth involuntarily, and without an invitation.
   For me, it is enough to wonder at the secrets.
 --         - Albert Einstein
%%
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public
affairs in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will
to succeed, a college degree, influential parents, good looks, a
resume, two 3X4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
 -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
%%
Each person has the right to take the subway.
 -- Carlos Eduardo Novaes
%%
Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her.
But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide
how to play the cards in order to win the game.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Each portion of matter may be conceived of as a garden full of plants,
and as a pond full of fishes.  But each branch of the plant, each member
of the animal, each drop of its humors, is also such a garden or such a pond.
 -- Leibniz,  "Monadology"
%%
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
 -- Cliff Hanger Theorem
%%
Each problem solved introduces two new unsolved problems.
 --  Phil Green
%%
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve
other problems.
 -- Rene Descartes, Discours de la Methode
%%
Each profession talks to itself in its own unique language. Apparently
there is no Rosetta Stone.
%%
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
 -- Writing Rule 01
%%
Each religion, by the help of more or less myth which it takes more or
less seriously, proposes some method of fortifying the human soul and
enabline it to make its peace with its destiny.
 -- George Santayana
%%
Each system has its own way of consuming vast amounts of
paper: in socialist societies by filling large forms in
quadruplicate, in capitalist societies by putting up huge
posters and wrapping every article in four layers of
cardboard.
 -- Issawi's Observation on the Consumption of Paper
%%
Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested
version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece.  Their
work will be set back by having that test bed change under them.  Of course it
must.  But the changes need to be quantized.  Then each user has periods of
productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change.  This seems
to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling.
 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%%
Each time that Americans hold another election, about the only thing they
 learn is that they did not learn much from the last election.
%%
Each time you think you are about to be
able to make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
 -- Quality-of-Life Constant
%%
Each year, some 200 or more people die
 while watching televised football games.
 -- Things You Need to Know Department
%%
     Eager to know the result of a physics exam he had taken, my brother
asked his teacher, "How far am I from making an 'A' in this course?"
     Replied the instructor, "Do you want that in light years?"
%%
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
 -- John Benfield
%%
Earlier, I couldn't finish anything. This time, I wi
%%
Early and provident fear is the mother of safety.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France,
 -- Speech on the Petition of the Unitarians, Vol. vii, p. 50
%%
Early, bright, transient, chaste as morning dew,
She sparkled, was exhal'd and went to heaven.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night v, Line 600
%%
Early dead, early wed.
 -- Hoary English Proverb
%%
Early Deaths
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 10
%%
Early to bed and early to rise, and you'll meet very few of our best
 people.
 -- George Ade
%%
Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.
%%
Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys/gals.
 -- THE FRANKLIN FACTOR
%%
Early to Bed, Early to Rise, Fish all day, And make up the Lies.
 -- Fishing Code
%%
Early to rise and early to bed
Makes a man healthy, but socially dead.
 -- The Wheel of Morality (Animaniacs)
%%
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
 -- Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic
%%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%%
Earnestness alone makes life eternity.
 -- Carlyle
%%
Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college.
 -- P.J. O'Rourke
%%
Ears are what keep your feet from getting in your mouth.
 -- Anonym+us
%%
Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;
Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool
That did his will: but thou, O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool.
 -- E.R. Sill
%%
Earth changes, but thy soul and God stand sure.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Rabbi Ben Ezra
%%
Earth destroyed by solar flare.  Film at eleven.
 -- The last nightly news.
%%
Earth felt the wound; and Nature from her seat,
Sighing through all her works, gave signs of woe
That all was lost.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 782
%%
/earth:  file system full.
%%
Earth girls are easy.
%%
Earth has it's boundaries, but human stupidity is limitless.
 -- Flaubert
%%
Earth history, remember?  Like the passenger pigeon or the buffalo ...
  once there were millions of them; prairies black with them.  One herd
  covered three whole states.  When they moved -- like thunder.
 -- Professor Robert Crater, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
%%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete any un-necessary people.
%%
Earth is a beta site.
%%
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
 -- Jeff Berner
%%
Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs
with a harvest.
 -- Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857)
 -- A Land of Plenty [Australia]
%%
Earthmen fear to bargain honestly.
 -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
%%
Earthment like Rameses, Alexander, Ceasar, Napoleon, Hitler, Lee Kuan.
  Your whole Earth history is made up of men seeking absolute power.
 -- Spock, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
%%
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
 -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
%%
:earthquake: [IBM] n. The ultimate real-world shock test for
   computer hardware.  Hackish sources at IBM deny the rumor that the
   Bay Area quake of 1989 was initiated by the company to test
   quality-assurance procedures at its California plants.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Earthquakes are Earth's way of saying, WAKE UP.
%%
Earth! render back from out thy breast
A remnant of our Spartan dead!
Of the three hundred grant but three
To make a new Thermopylae.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iii, Stanza 86, 7
%%
Earth's biggest country 's gut her soul,
  An' risen up earth's greatest nation.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, Second Series, The Courtin', No. vii
%%
Earth shutting down in five minutes--please save all
files and log out
%%
          EARTH
      smog  |  bricks
 AIR   --  mud  --   FIRE
soda water  |  tequila
          WATER
%%
Earth's noblest thing,--a woman perfected.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Irene
%%
Earth sounds my wisdom and high heaven my fame.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book ix, Line 20
%%
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain
hope of the resurrection.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- The Burial Service
%%
Earth Tones:
 A youthful subgroup interested in vegetarianism, tie-dyed
outfits, mild recreational drugs, and good stereo equipment. Earnest,
frequently lacking in humor.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Eas'd the putting off
These troublesome disguises which we wear.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 739
%%
Ease leads to habit, as success to ease.
%%
Ease would recant
Vows made in pain, as violent and void.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 96
%%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
     Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
means the puzzle is solved.
 -- Steve Rubenstein
%%
:Easter egg: [from the custom of the Easter Egg hunt observed in
   the U.S. and many parts of Europe] n. 1. A message hidden in the
   object code of a program as a joke, intended to be found by persons
   disassembling or browsing the code.  2. A message, graphic, or
   sound effect emitted by a program (or, on a PC, the BIOS ROM) in
   response to some undocumented set of commands or keystrokes,
   intended as a joke or to display program credits.  One well-known
   early Easter egg found in a couple of OSes caused them to respond
   to the command `make love' with `not war?'.  Many
   personal computers have much more elaborate eggs hidden in ROM,
   including lists of the developers' names, political exhortations,
   snatches of music, and (in one case) graphics images of the entire
   development team.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Easter egging: [IBM] n. The act of replacing unrelated components
   more or less at random in hopes that a malfunction will go away.
   Hackers consider this the normal operating mode of {field
   circus} techs and do not love them for it.  See also the jokes
   under {field circus}.  Compare {shotgun debugging}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Easter is cancelled. They've found the body.
 Christmas too. They've got the father.
%%
Easy Baby, you're almost a fire hazard!
 -- Varla
%%
Easy steeet is a blind alley.
%%
"Easy to use" is easy to say.
 -- Jeff Garber
%%
Eat 10 cloves of garlic and keep all humans at a two-square distance.
%%
Eat american lamb - Ten million coyotes can't be wrong.
%%
Eat a peach.
%%
Eat a prune and start a movement.
%%
Eat before shopping for food.
%%
Eat cereal for breakfast and write good prose.
 -- Raymond Carver
%%
Eat death, orphans!
 -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY
%%
Eat, drink and be merry, and tomorrow, you'll wish you were dead. When the
 credit card statement comes at the end of the month, you will get your
 wish.
%%
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
%%
Eat, drink and be merry...for tomorrow you may diet!
%%
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
%%
Eat few suppers, and you'll need few medicines.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
:eat flaming death: imp. A construction popularized among hackers by
   the infamous {CPU Wars} comic; supposedly derive from a famously
   turgid line in a WWII-era anti-Nazi propaganda comic that ran
   "Eat flaming death, non-Aryan mongrels!" or something of the sort
   (however, it is also reported that the Firesign Theater's
   1975 album "In The Next World, You're On Your Own" included the
   phrase "Eat flaming death, fascist media pigs"; this may have been
   an influence).  Used in humorously overblown expressions of
   hostility. "Eat flaming death, {{EBCDIC}} users!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Eating an orange on March l7th is indifferent, however, if you happen to be
 a spectator at a St. Patrick's Day Parade, it is much better for your
 health if you leave that orange at home.
%%
Eating the bitter bread of banishment.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Eat less than you think you want, eat with your intelligence, not your
 stomach. Never get up from the table with an inward, silent apology for
 being a pig.
 -- Coco Chanel
%%
Eat more possum.
 -- West Virginian bumper sticker
%%
Eat my SHORTS!
 -- Bart Simpson
%%
Eat not thy heart; which forbids to afflict our souls, and waste them
with vexatious cares.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
%%
 Eat shit! 1.9 trillion flies (estimation) can't be ALL wrong.
 -- Toilet graffiti
%%
Eat that pork, eat that ham, laugh till you choke on Billy Graham
 Moses, Aaron and Abraham, they're all a waste of time!
 -- The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing, Frank Zappa
%%
Eat to live, and not on thy Diner's Club Card.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
Eat to live, live not to eat.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Eat triticale: 3.56 quadrillion tribbles can't be wrong.
%%
EAT, v.i.  To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of
mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
    "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-
Savarin, beginning an anecdote.  "What!" interrupted Rochebriant;
"eating dinner in a drawing-room?"  "I must beg you to observe,
monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was
eating my dinner, but enjoying it.  I had dined an hour before."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, hack whenever.
%%
EAVESDROP, v.i.  Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and
vices of another or yourself.

    A lady with one of her ears applied
    To an open keyhole heard, inside,
    Two female gossips in converse free --
    The subject engaging them was she.
    "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
    That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
    As soon as no more of it she could hear
    The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
    "I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
    "To hear my character lied about!"
                                                        Gopete Sherany
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
e   <--  Baby Tribble with bottle
%%
EBB     Empty Bit Bucket
%%
:EBCDIC:: /eb's*-dik/, /eb'see`dik/, or /eb'k*-dik/ [abbreviation,
   Extended Binary Coded Decimal Interchange Code] n. An alleged
   character set used on IBM {dinosaur}s.  It exists in at least six
   mutually incompatible versions, all featuring such delights as
   non-contiguous letter sequences and the absence of several ASCII
   punctuation characters fairly important for modern computer
   languages (exactly which characters are absent varies according to
   which version of EBCDIC you're looking at).  IBM adapted EBCDIC
   from {{punched card}} code in the early 1960s and promulgated it
   as a customer-control tactic (see {connector conspiracy}),
   spurning the already established ASCII standard.  Today, IBM claims
   to be an open-systems company, but IBM's own description of the
   EBCDIC variants and how to convert between them is still internally
   classified top-secret, burn-before-reading.  Hackers blanch at the
   very *name* of EBCDIC and consider it a manifestation of
   purest {evil}.  See also {fear and loathing}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
EBR     Erase Before Reading
%%
EBRS    Emit Burnt Resistor Smell
%%
ECCENTRICITY, n.  A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ
it to accentuate their incapacity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EC      Eject Carriage
%%
:echo: [FidoNet] n. A {topic group} on {FidoNet}'s echomail
   system.  Compare {newsgroup}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
ECL     Early Care Lace
%%
ECO     Electrocute Computer Operator
%%
Ecologists believe that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.
 -- Stanley C. Pearson
(On second thought, a bird in the hand is finger-licking good.)
%%
 ECONOMICS:  Develop a realistic plan to refinance the national
 debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
 areas:  Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of
 light.  Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize
 this method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in
 your answer to the last question.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Economics, n.:
        Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
Galbraith ...
 -- Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
%%
Economies of Scale: The notion that bigger is better.  In particular,
 that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better
 to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of
 faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those
 limitations.
%%
Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality
to be accountants.
%%
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy
would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it
hasn't.
 -- Robert Orben
%%
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Economists were created to make weather forecasters look good.
 -- Economist David Jones
%%
Economy: Cutting down other people's wages.
 -- J.B. Morton
%%
Economy is of itself a great revenue.
 -- Cicero
%%
Economy makes men independent.
%%
ECONOMY, n.  Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for
the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ecosystems, schmecosystems.
 -- Exxon
%%
ECP     Erase Card Punch
%%
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data
you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
EDD     Eat Disk and Die
%%
Eddie the Mouth was a vicious animal.  But he was
one of the old-time vicious animals and as such had
some kind of moral code.  It wasn't much of a moral
code, but it was better than nothing...
%%
ED      Eject Disk
%%
ED      Execute Data (verrrry useful)
%%
ED      Expunge Data [UNIX]
%%
EDIBLE, adj.  Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a
toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man
to a worm.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
edients,
and by parts.
 -- Edmund Burke
%%
EDIT    Erase Data and Increment Time
%%
Editing is a rewording activity.
%%
Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to
 separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
(Edmund and Kate wrestle each other to the floor. Their eyes meet
  searchingly. Edmund slowly bends to kiss her...the door opens, and
  Baldrick enters.)
Don't worry, Bob. He used to try and kill me, too.
 -- Baldrick : Bells
%%
Edmund Blackadder: After all, did not Our Lord send a lowly earthworm to
comfort Moses in his torment?
Prince George:No.
 -- Blackadder, Duel and Duality
%%
(Edmund is distastefully chewing his prescribed leeches)
...Anything to follow, my lord? There's this lovely fat spider I found
  in the bath. I _was_ saving it for myself, but if you'd like it...
 -- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells
%%
Edmund! Oh, Edmund, I've awaited your return!
And thank God you did, for I was just thinking...'My God, I die in
  twelve hours. What I really need right now is a hug from a complete
  _prat_.'
 -- Percy and Edmund : Money
%%
(Edmund rummages through the sack, and produces boomerang)...Ah.
(intrigued) What is it?
...A _stick_.
 -- Edmund, Queenie and Melchett : Potato
%%
EDP     Emulate Debugged Program
%%
EDS     Execute Data Segment
%%
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
Education: A debt due from present to future generations.
 -- George Peabody
%%
Education alone can conduct us to that enjoyment which is, at once,
best in quality and infinite in quantity.
 -- Horace Mann (1796-1859)
%%
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand.
The less of either people have, the less they want.
 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
%%
Education begins the gentleman, but reading, good company and reflection
must finish him.
 -- John Locke
%%
Education belongs pre-eminently to the church ... neutral or lay
schools from which religion is excluded are contrary to the fundamental
principles of education.
 -- Pope Pius XI
%%
Education has in America's whole history been the major hope for
improving the individual and society.
 -- Gunnar Myrdal
%%
Education...has produced a vast population able to read but unable to
distinguish what is worth reading.
 -- George Macaulay Trevelyan (1876-1962)
%%
Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
%%
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
Education is helping the child realize his potentialities.
 -- Erich Fromm
%%
Education is learning that you did not even know what you did not even know
 you did not even know.
%%
Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.
 -- William Butler Yeats
%%
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing
 your temper.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
Education is the best provision for old age.
 -- Aristotle
%%
Education is the instruction of the intellect in the laws of Nature.
 -- Thomas Henry Huxley
%%
Education is the transmission of civilization.
 -- Will and Ariel Durant
%%
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been
 forgotten
 -- B.F. Skinner
%%
Education is what you have left over after
you have forgotten everything you have learned.
%%
Education kills by degrees.
%%
Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy
to govern but impossible to enslave.
 -- Baron Henry Peter Brougham
%%
:Education:

Nearly all hackers past their teens are either college-degreed or
self-educated to an equivalent level.  The self-taught hacker is often
considered (at least by other hackers) to be better-motivated, and may
be more respected, than his school-shaped counterpart.  Academic areas
from which people often gravitate into hackerdom include (besides the
obvious computer science and electrical engineering) physics,
mathematics, linguistics, and philosophy.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Education never ends... It is a series of lessons with the greatest for
the last.
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
%%
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
foolish their lack of understanding.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Education: Something you get so you can work for guys with no education.
 -- Morey Amsterdam
%%
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
 -- Malcolm S. Forbes
%%
Education today, more than ever before, must see clearly the dual
objectives: Education for living and education for making a living.
 -- James Mason Wood
%%
Education with inert ideas is not only useless;
it is above all things harmful.
 -- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
Education you get from reading the small print.
Experience you get from not reading it.
 -- Saul Lavisky's observation
%%
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Eek!
%%
E'en copious Dryden wanted or forgot
The last and greatest art,--the art to blot.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Epistle i, Book ii, Line 280
%%
E'en from the tomb the voice of nature cries,
  E'en in our ashes live their wonted fires.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 23
%%
E'en like the passage of an angel's tear
That falls through the clear ether silently.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- To One who has been long in City pent
%%
E'en Palinurus nodded at the helm.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book iv, Line 614
%%
Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee.
(A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.)
 -- Dutch Proverb
%%
E'en Sunday shines no Sabbath day to me.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 12
%%
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
 -- Bullwinkle Moose
%%
EEP     Erase Entire Program
%%
Eerie had collided with a parallel reality called NBC.
 *I* was being written off the show.  Correction:  Killed off the show.
 Double correction:  Killed dead!
 -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Eerie, Indiana.  The Last Testament of Marshall Teller.  I had come to
 the end of the line.  Hunted. Lost.  Nowhere to hide.  And then I
 saw - home.  The safest place there is.  But like everything else,
 it turned out to be fake.
 -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
EFB     Emulate Five-volt Battery
 -- Rob Frye
%%
EFD     Eject Floppy Disk
%%
EFE     Emulate Fatal Error
%%
...effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races
and cultures has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the
history of creation.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
EFFECT, n.  The second of two phenomena which always occur together in
the same order.  The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the
other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has
never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the
rabbit the cause of a dog.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
 -- Leeman's observation
%%
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
 -- David Dunham
%%
Efficiency takes time  Frugality: who can afford it?
%%
    Effort x Time = Constant
A. Given a large initial time to do something the initial
effort will be small.
B. As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.
    Corollary:
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
 -- Edwards' Time/Effort Law
%%
Eftsoones they heard a most melodious sound.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book ii, Canto xii, St. 70
%%
Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two!
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Critic, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Egeria! sweet creation of some heart
Which found no mortal resting-place so fair
As thine ideal breast.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 115
%%
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word eggnog comes from.    The first syllable
comes from the English word egg, meaning egg.      I don't know where
the nog comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%%
eggs derelict
(ehgz dare-a-licked) n.: a plate of unfinished breakfast that has been
used as an ashtray.
%%
Eggs on top, canned goods on the bottom...
%%
         .-'-.           ________________________
         \   |   ____   /                        \
          \  |  /    ) (  Eggs??  Where the hell  )
           \ | / .-'"   \_    are my carrots?!   /
           _\|/.'   o()(__)_____________________/
          /_____\_
         /'----|_/_
        |          0
         \    __::/ _    __@__
        /     \  H (_)  / _  _\
       /    (_|_---|_/ /_(_)(_)\
      /  \____  \.-'  /(_)(_)(_)\
  _  /       )\_/    |/\\//\\//\\|
 / \/  /   (/_       |/\\//\\//\\|
 \_/\_(_______)      |/\\//\\//\\|
                     """""""""""""
    E A S T E R    T I M E    !!!
%%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
 -- Bellamy Brooks
%%
Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
 -- Frank Leahy
%%
Egotist: A man who thinks that if he hadn't been born, people would have
 wondered why.
 -- Dan Post
%%
EGOTIST, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in
me.

    Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
    In the halls of legislative debate,
    One day with all his credentials came
    To the capitol's door and announced his name.
    The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
    Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
    And said:  "Go away, for we settle here
    All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
    And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
    To be told how every member stands,
    A man who to all things under the sky
    Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Egotist, n.:
  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
%%
Egregiously an ass.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
$ egrep -n '^[a-z].*\\(' $@ | sort -t':' +2.0
%%
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast
deterministic algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.
 -- Unix manuals
%%
EHC     Emulate Headless Chicken
%%
Ehh, Whats up doc?
 -- Bugs Bunny
%%
Eh!  Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre.
[Ah well!  I am their leader, I really had to follow them.]
 -- Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin (1807-1874)
%%
EIAO    Execute In Any Order
%%
Eigen Function:  The use to which an eigen is put.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Eight-five percent of people who quote statistics are lying.
%%
Eight Things your computer won't do:
 1. It won't save you money
 2. It won't make your organization run right
 3. It won't solve every problem
 4. It won't run itself
 5. It won't always be right
 6. It won't meet all its own needs
 7. It won't protect itself
 8. It won't become obsolete
 -- J Makower
%%
:eighty-column mind: [IBM] n. The sort said to be possessed by
   persons for whom the transition from {punched card} to tape was
   traumatic (nobody has dared tell them about disks yet).  It is said
   that these people, including (according to an old joke) the founder
   of IBM, will be buried `face down, 9-edge first' (the 9-edge being
   the bottom of the card).  This directive is inscribed on IBM's
   1402 and 1622 card readers and is referenced in a famous bit of
   doggerel called "The Last Bug", the climactic lines of which
   are as follows:

        He died at the console
        Of hunger and thirst.
        Next day he was buried,
        Face down, 9-edge first.

   The eighty-column mind is thought by most hackers to dominate IBM's
   customer base and its thinking.  See {IBM}, {fear and
   loathing}, {card walloper}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%%
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
 -- Grelb's Reminder
%%
Eighty percent of man is stuff to fill graves with.
%%
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
...eighty years later he could still recall with the
young pang of his original joy his falling in love with Ada.
 -- Vladimir Nabokov
%%
Einstein:
Any f%*ker can understan that
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
 -- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
Einstein: "G, Sub-I, J, of T, as T approaches infinity.  Hmm?" Barclay:
"G, of T, over G-Lot." Einstein: "Thirty?  So it is!  So it is!" Barclay:
"But I still don't see how you're going to incorporate quantum  principle
into general relativity, without guessing the cosmological constant
 a lot more than you're doing here." Einstein: "But if you increase
the value, as you suggest, then you face the  possibility of twenty-six
dimensions instead of ten." Barclay: "I don't think I could deal with
that." Einstein: "I certainly could not.  [Laughs] Barclay: "If the
semi-set curved into the subatomic, the infinities might cancel  each
other out!" Einstein: "Good Gott!  They just might!"
 -- "The Nth Degree", Stardate 44705.3
%%
"Einstein is an analytical mathematician seeking to give a physical
interpretation to the conclusions of his mathematical process.  In
this he is hampered by a load of contradictory and absurd assumptions
of the school that he follows, which throws him into all manner of
difficulty.  Einstein has such a faculty for embracing both sides
of a contradiction that one would have to be of the same frame of
mind to follow his thought, it is so peculiarly his own.  The whole
Relativity theory is as easy to follow as the path of a bat in the
air at night."
 -- Father Jeremiah Joseph Callahan,
 -- President of Duquesne University,
 -- Einstein or Euclid:
 -- A Proof of the Parallel Theory and a Critique of Metageometry, 1931
%%
Einstein rules relatively OK - in theory anyway.
%%
EIO     Erase I/O page
%%
EISA:
 Chinese for "we copied it without duplicating it". Inscrutable
 alternative to Micro Channel Architecture, (MCA)>; backed by everybody
 but IBM.
%%
Eisenhower told me never to trust a Communist.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
 -- C. Degen
%%
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Either a good or a bad reputation gets there before you do, since it always
 out runs the possessor. It's nice, when you arrive, to have something good
 there before you get there. Reputation counts. You work at it a good while
 and can lose it quickly.
%%
Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Either God exists or He doesn't.  Either I believe in God or I don't.
Of the four possibilities, only one is to my disadvantage.
To avoid that possibility, I believe in god.
 -- Pascal
%%
Either heaven or hell will have continuous background music. Which one you
 think it will be tells a lot about you.
 -- Bill Vaughan
%%
Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or
 I'm still dreaming.
 -- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
 -- Groucho Marx' last words (1890-1977)
%%
Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
%%
     Either I've gone nuts, or all this is really happening. If I'm nuts,
       I'll be the last to know. So I might as well act as if everything is
      just the way it looks.
 -- Keith Laumer, _The Ulitmax Man_
%%
Either lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way.
%%
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
 -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
%%
Either sue me, or shut the hell up.
 -- Greg Hennessy, [e-mail]
%%
Either they go, or I do.
 -- Oscar Wilde, of his new bedroom curtains (attrib.), 1900
%%
Either Way You Get Your Dog Back
 -- Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business
%%
Ejectable helicopter seats.
 -- Polish invention
%%
EJECTION, n.  An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.  It is
also much used in cases of extreme poverty.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ejukashun never dun me no good.
%%
Eke wonder last but nine deies never in toun.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Troilus and Creseide, Book iv, Line 525
%%
Ekkey ekkey ekkey p'tang wheee!
%%
Ekkie ekkie phatang zooboing!
%%
Elbow Macaroni.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
:El Camino Bignum: /el' k*-mee'noh big'nuhm/ n. The road
   mundanely called El Camino Real, a road through the San Francisco
   peninsula that originally extended all the way down to Mexico City
   and many portions of which are still intact.  Navigation on the San
   Francisco peninsula is usually done relative to El Camino Real,
   which defines {logical} north and south even though it isn't
   really north-south many places.  El Camino Real runs right past
   Stanford University and so is familiar to hackers.

   The Spanish word `real' (which has two syllables: /ray-ol'/)
   means `royal'; El Camino Real is `the royal road'.  In the FORTRAN
   language, a `real' quantity is a number typically precise to seven
   significant digits, and a `double precision' quantity is a larger
   floating-point number, precise to perhaps fourteen significant
   digits (other languages have similar `real' types).

   When a hacker from MIT visited Stanford in 1976, he remarked what a
   long road El Camino Real was.  Making a pun on `real', he started
   calling it `El Camino Double Precision' --- but when the hacker
   was told that the road was hundreds of miles long, he renamed it
   `El Camino Bignum', and that name has stuck.  (See {bignum}.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
el capitan: expedition leader in a spanish speaking country.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
:elder days: n. The heroic age of hackerdom (roughly, pre-1980); the
   era of the {PDP-10}, {TECO}, {{ITS}}, and the ARPANET.  This
   term has been rather consciously adopted from J. R. R. Tolkien's
   fantasy epic "The Lord of the Rings".  Compare {Iron Age};
   see also {elvish} and {Great Worm, the}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%%
Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.
%%
ELECTOR, n.  One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man
of another man's choice.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%%
Electric chairs are period furniture: they end a sentence
%%
Electrician's breakfast: ohmlettes
 -- Raymond D. Love
%%
        Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
have been drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
most American homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the
time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
although God alone knows why it would want to.
      The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
direct current, lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes
have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
direction for a while, then goes in the other direction.  This prevents
harmful electron buildup in the wires.
 -- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
%%
ELECTRICITY, n.  The power that causes all natural phenomena not known
to be caused by something else.  It is the same thing as lightning,
and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most
picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.  The memory
of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in
France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,
bearing the following touching account of his life and services to
science:

        "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.  This
    illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the
    world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,
    of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."

    Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the
arts and industries.  The question of its economical application to
some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved
that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more
light than a horse.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Electrocution, n.:
    Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%%
Eleemosynary deeds have their incipience intramurally.
[ charity starts at home. ]
%%
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
 -- Becker's Razor
%%
Elegant as simplicity, and warm
As ecstasy.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Table Talk, Line 588
%%
Elegant Frankfurter - A haute dog
%%
:elegant: [from mathematical usage] adj. Combining simplicity,
   power, and a certain ineffable grace of design.  Higher praise than
   `clever', `winning', or even {cuspy}.

   The French aviator, adventurer, and author Antoine de
   Saint-Exup'ery, probably best known for his classic children's
   book "The Little Prince", was also an aircraft designer.  He
   gave us perhaps the best definition of engineering elegance when he
   said "A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there
   is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take
   away."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
ELEGY, n.  A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of
the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind
the dampest kind of dejection.  The most famous English example begins
somewhat like this:

    The cur foretells the knell of parting day;
        The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
    The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
        To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Elektra.  Over there.  It's a flying dwarf.
 -- Strange doings in ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN
%%
Elementary my dear Riker...sir.
 -- Data, "Lonely Among Us", stardate 41249.3
%%
:elephantine: adj. Used of programs or systems that are both
   conspicuous {hog}s (owing perhaps to poor design founded on
   {brute force and ignorance}) and exceedingly {hairy} in source
   form.  An elephantine program may be functional and even friendly,
   but (as in the old joke about being in bed with an elephant) it's
   tough to have around all the same (and, like a pachyderm, difficult
   to maintain).  In extreme cases, hackers have been known to make
   trumpeting sounds or perform expressive proboscatory mime at the
   mention of the offending program.  Usage: semi-humorous.  Compare
   `has the elephant nature' and the somewhat more pejorative
   {monstrosity}.  See also {second-system effect} and
   {baroque}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
%%
 "Elephant's Dong" by Miles Long
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Elephants endors'd with towers.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Regained, Book iii, Line 329
%%
Elephants have four knees.
%%
Elephants never forget, but you seldom see a kangaroo with a zipper.
%%
Elephant to naked man:  How do you manage to breathe
through that thing, let alone pick up peanuts?
%%
:elevator controller: n. An archetypal dumb embedded-systems
   application, like {toaster} (which superseded it).  During one
   period (1983--84) in the deliberations of ANSI X3J11 (the
   C standardization committee) this was the canonical example of a
   really stupid, memory-limited computation environment.  "You can't
   require `printf(3)' to be part of the default runtime library
 -- -- what if you're targeting an elevator controller?"  Elevator
   controllers became important rhetorical weapons on both sides of
   several {holy wars}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Elevators smell different to midgets.
%%
Elevators traveling in the desired direction are always delayed and
on arrival tend to run in pairs, threes of a kind, full houses, etc.
 -- Pete Maiken
%%
Eleven seconds after the warranty expires on your $17,000 car, the
engine will make a knocking sound that exactly duplicates the drum solo
 -- from Inna Gadda Da Vida.
%%
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
%%
:ELIZA effect: /*-li:'z* *-fekt'/ [AI community] n. The tendency of
   humans to attach associations to terms from prior experience.
   For example, there is nothing magic about the symbol `+' that
   makes it well-suited to indicate addition; it's just that people
   associate it with addition.  Using `+' or `plus' to mean addition
   in a computer language is taking advantage of the ELIZA effect.

   This term comes from the famous ELIZA program by Joseph Weizenbaum,
   which simulated a Rogerian psychoanalyst by rephrasing many of the
   patient's statements as questions and posing them to the patient.
   It worked by simple pattern recognition and substitution of key
   words into canned phrases.  It was so convincing, however, that
   there are many anecdotes about people becoming very emotionally
   caught up in dealing with ELIZA.  All this was due to people's
   tendency to attach to words meanings which the computer never put
   there.  The ELIZA effect is a {Good Thing} when writing a
   programming language, but it can blind you to serious shortcomings
   when analyzing an Artificial Intelligence system.  Compare
   {ad-hockery}; see also {AI-complete}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door.  Ring the bell and run away!
  Death *really* hates that.
 -- Matt Frewer as Dr. Mike Stratford in 'Doctor, Doctor'
%%
 Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een
 the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng
 lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE...  (Oriental
 voice:)  Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special
 derively for you, here sir...  Ah, thank you, Kato.  How naice
 eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a
 birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB?
 It's a beuhmb!!!  (Muffled explosion.)
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
%%
Eloi, eloi, lama sabachtani?
%%
Eloquence is logic on fire.
%%
ELOQUENCE, n.  The art of orally persuading fools that white is the
color that it appears to be.  It includes the gift of making any color
appear white.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ELP     Enter Loop Permanently
%%
El Presidente smokes cigars
 Anyone he does not like
 He shoots or puts behind bars.
 -- Circle Jerks, "Coup D'Etat"
%%
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
Elsie is so ugly she's been turned down more times than a bedspread ... Two
 weeks ago she won first prize in a beauty contest. It was for mules.
 -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
%%
Elsie's awfully good to her mother--she never goes home.
 -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
%%
Elvis has LEFT the building!
 -- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
:elvish: n. 1. The Tengwar of Feanor, a table of letterforms
   resembling the beautiful Celtic half-uncial hand of the "Book
   of Kells".  Invented and described by J. R. R. Tolkien in "The
   Lord of The Rings" as an orthography for his fictional `elvish'
   languages, this system (which is both visually and phonetically
   {elegant}) has long fascinated hackers (who tend to be intrigued
   by artificial languages in general).  It is traditional for
   graphics printers, plotters, window systems, and the like to
   support a Feanorian typeface as one of their demo items.  See also
   {elder days}.  2. By extension, any odd or unreadable typeface
   produced by a graphics device.  3. The typeface mundanely called
   `B"ocklin', an art-decoish display font.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Elvis is alive and doing my laundry.
%%
Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.
%%
Elvis is my copilot.
 -- Cal Keegan
%%
Elvis Presley had a twin brother named Jesse who died at birth.
%%
Elvis Presley has an unlisted number. Here it is! 1-800-I'M DEAD.
%%
ELYSIUM, n.  An imaginary delightful country which the ancients
foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good.  This
ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth
by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EMACS belongs in <sys/errno.h>: Editor too big!
%%
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
%%
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
%%
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
%%
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
%%
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
%%
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
%%
EMACS: Elephantine Memory Absolutely Considered Sine que non
%%
EMACS: Eleven thousand Monkeys Asynchronously Crank out these Slogans
%%
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
%%
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
%%
EMACS: EMACS MACRO ACTED CREDO SODOM
%%
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
%%
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
%%
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
%%
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
%%
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal.
%%
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
%%
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
%%
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
%%
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
%%
EMACS: Embarrasingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
%%
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
%%
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
%%
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
%%
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
%%
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
%%
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
%%
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
%%
EMACS: Erotic Manual Adapted to Computer Scientists
%%
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
%%
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
%%
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
%%
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage.
%%
EMACS: Every Male Adolescent Craves Sex
%%
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
%%
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
%%
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
%%
EMACS: Excellence Might be Away from Computer Scientists
%%
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
%%
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
%%
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
%%
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
%%
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
%%
EMACS: Extensibilty and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
%%
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
%%
Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX.
 -- Tom Christiansen
%%
   Emacs is not an editor.  Emacs is a way of thinking about the world, and
as such is a way of thinking about editors.  The process of editing is Emacs,
but Emacs is more than the process of editing.  When you ask what Emacs does,
you are asking a question with no answer, because Emacs doesn't do, it is
done to.  Emacs just is.   ...  I hope this makes things clearer.
 -- Scott Dorsey ([e-mail])
%%
Emacs -- the choice of a GNU generation.
%%
Emacs, the ed's killer reigns.
%%
:email: /ee'mayl/ (also written `e-mail') 1. n. Electronic mail
   automatically passed through computer networks and/or via modems
   over common-carrier lines.  Contrast {snail-mail},
   {paper-net}, {voice-net}.  See {network address}.
   2. vt. To send electronic mail.

   Oddly enough, the word `emailed' is actually listed in the OED; it
   means "embossed (with a raised pattern) or arranged in a net work".
   A use from 1480 is given. The word is derived from French
   `emmailleure', network.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Email: when it absolutely, positively has to get lost
at the speed of light
%%
Emallgration:
 Migration toward lower-tech, lower-information environments
containing a lessened emphasis on consumerism.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery,
None but ourselves can free our minds.
 -- Bob Marley
%%
EMANCIPATION, n.  A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to
the despotism of himself.

    He was a slave:  at word he went and came;
        His iron collar cut him to the bone.
    Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
        Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EMBALM, v.i.  To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which
it feeds.  By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural
balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their
once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting
more than a meagre crew.  The modern metallic burial casket is a step
in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be
ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a
bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.  We shall get him
after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose
are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Embrace the flag,
And hope to someday live in that free republic for which it stands.
%%
Embryos and idiots, eremites and friars,
White, black, and gray, with all their trumpery.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iii, Line 474
%%
E = mc^2 +_ 3d6
%%
E=Mc^5...nahh,
 E=Mc^4...nahh,
 E=Mc^3....ah, the hell with it...
 -- Bert's older and less patient brother
%%
EM      Evacuate Memory
%%
Emilio, I am getting rusty and old, I cannot follow the highbrow theory
developed by Oppenheimer's pupils any more.  I went to their seminar and
was depressed by my inability to understand them.  Only the last sentence
cheered me up.  It was: And this is Fermi's theory of beta decay.
 -- Enrico Fermi
 -- A Random Walk in Science compiled by R. L. Weber, edited by E. Mendoza
%%
EMM     Emulate More Memory
%%
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When
 brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
 drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the
 Senate?"
%%
Emotional Ketchup Burst:
 The bottling up of opinions and emotions inside oneself so
that they explosively burst forth all at once, shocking and confusing
employers and friends - most of whom thought things were fine.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Emotionally vulnerable women....  They eat this sensitive crap up!
 -- Dan Fielding
%%
Emotion has taught mankind to reason.
 -- Marquis de Vauvenargues
%%
EMOTION, n.  A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the
heart to the head.  It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge
of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
 -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
%%
EMPC       Emulate Pocket Calculator
%%
Empedocles says that the greater part of the members of animals were
generated by chance...
What, then, hinders but that the parts in Nature may also thus arise
[from necessity]?  For instance, that the teeth should arise from
necessity, the front teeth sharp and adapted to divide the food, the
molars broad and adapted to breaking the food into pieces.  It may
be said that they were not made for this purpose, but that this purposive
arrangement came about by chance; and the same reasoning is applied
to other parts of the body in which subsistence for some purpose is
apparent.  And it is argued that where all things happened as if they
were made for some purpose, being aptly united by chance, these were
preserved, but such as were not aptly made, these were lost and still
perish, according to what Empedocles says concerning the bull species
with human heads.  This, therefore, and similar reasoning, may lead
some to doubt on this subject.
 -- Aristotle, Physics, Fourth Century B.C.
%%
:empire: n. Any of a family of military simulations derived from a
   game written by Peter Langston many years ago.  Five or six
   multi-player variants of varying degrees of sophistication exist,
   and one single-player version implemented for both UNIX and VMS;
   the latter is even available as MS-DOS freeware.  All are
   notoriously addictive.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to
incompetence in their colleagues.
 -- Peter's Paradox
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Emptiness on paper; Fleeting thoughts. Red Sox play at Fenway's Green park.
%%
EMSL    Entire Memory Shift Left
%%
EMT     Electrocute Maintenance Technician
%%
ENCOMIAST, n.  A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Encryption is too important to be left solely to governments.
 -- Bruce Schneier, Applied Cryptography
%%
encrypt - where Egyptian kings are buried.
%%
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
        Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
and tell them your house is being burgled.
 -- Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
%%
Endeavor to steer the craft of your narration
on a less serpentine course.
 -- Peter Shaffer, Lettice & Lovage
%%
End fannish elitism - Call it Sci-Fi
%%
endless loop n. see LOOP, ENDLESS
     In YOUR PROGRAM an endless loop is an elementary blunder,
whereas in MY PROGRAM it is a DYNAMIC HALT.
%%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%%
END, n.  The position farthest removed on either hand from the
Interlocutor.

    The man was perishing apace
        Who played the tambourine;
    The seal of death was on his face --
        'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.

    "This is the end," the sick man said
        In faint and failing tones.
    A moment later he was dead,
        And Tambourine was Bones.
                                                         Tinley Roquot
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
[End of diatribe.   We now return you to your regularly scheduled
programming...]
 -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
%%
End rush-hour traffic now! Legalize vehicular weaponry.
%%
Endurance is the crowning quality,
And patience all the passion of great hearts.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Columbus
%%
End? What end?  You whites will be with us forever.
 -- Chiun, Master of Sinanju
%%
ENEMY WANTED
Mature, North American Superpower seeks hostile nation for arms
racing, third world conflicts, and general antagonism.  Must be
sufficiently menacing to convince Congress to fund us.  Nuclear
capability preferred, near-nuclear considered.  Earth, anywhere.
Send note and picture of tank battalions to General C. Powell,
The Pentagon, Washington, D.C., U.S.A.
%%
Energize said Picard and the pink bunny appeared...
%%
Energy Saving:
 Achieved when the power switch is "off".
%%
ENF     Emit Noxious Fumes
%%
Enflamed with the study of learning and the admiration of virtue;
stirred up with high hopes of living to be brave men and worthy patriots,
dear to God, and famous to all ages.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Tractate of Education
%%
Enforced recreation live on stage in London
...
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow...
 -- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"
%%
Engaged in the passive overthrow of the U.S. government
%%
Engineering majors: we don't get laid much, but we're building the future.
 -- Robin Williams
%%
Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode.
 -- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs
%%
 ENGINEERING:  The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle
 have been placed in a box on your desk.  You will also find
 an instruction manual, printed in Swahili.  In ten minutes, a
 hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
 action you feel appropriate.  Be prepared to justify your decision.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
Engineering will have it tomorrow.
 -- Great Lies #2
%%
Engineering without management is art.
 -- Jeff Johnson
%%
... Engineers ... Always *changin'* things ...
It's like a Dam' *Computer Center* in here ...
 -- Leonard E. McCoy, M.D.
%%
:engine: n. 1. A piece of hardware that encapsulates some function
   but can't be used without some kind of {front end}.  Today we
   have, especially, `print engine': the guts of a laser printer.
   2. An analogous piece of software; notionally, one that does a lot
   of noisy crunching, such as a `database engine'.

   The hackish senses of `engine' are actually close to its original,
   pre-Industrial-Revolution sense of a skill, clever device, or
   instrument (the word is cognate to `ingenuity').  This sense had
   not been completely eclipsed by the modern connotation of
   power-transducing machinery in Charles Babbage's time, which
   explains why he named the stored-program computer that
   he designed in 1844 the `Analytical Engine'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
England and America are two countries separated by the same language.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
England are a goal ahead -- that's a win if it stays that way.
%%
England expects every man to do his duty.
 -- Horatio Nelson (1758-1805)
 -- Life of Nelson (Southey), Vol. ii, p. 131
%%
England have just scored their second goal from a penalty corner.  This will
 add to their first goal.
%%
England is a paradise for women and hell for horses; Italy a paradise
for horses, hell for women, as the diverb goes.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 3, Memb. 1, Subsect. 2
%%
England may as well dam up the waters of the Nile with bulrushes as
to fetter the step of Freedom, more proud and firm in this youthful
land than where she treads the sequestered glens of Scotland, or couches
herself among the magnificent mountains of Switzerland.
 -- Lydia Maria Child (1802-1880)
 -- Supposititious Speech of James Otis, The Rebels, Chap, iv
%%
"England no longer existed.  He'd got that--somehow he'd got it.
He tried again.      America, he thought, has gone.  He couldn't grasp
it.  He decided to start smaller again.  New York has gone.  No reaction.
   He'd never seriously believed it existed anyway.  The dollar, he
thought, has sunk for ever. Slight tremor there.  Every Bogart movie
has been wiped, he said to himself, and that gave him a nasty knock.
 McDonald's, he thought.  There is no longer any such thing as a McDonald's
hamburger. He passed out.   When he came round a second later he found
he was sobbing for his mother."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
England's monarchy is how old?   1000 years?  Jesus, you guys must have a hell
 of a lot of laws!
 -- an anonymous sysadmin
%%
England, with all thy faults I love thee still,
My country!
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book ii, The Timepiece, Line 206
%%
:English: 1. n.,obs. The source code for a program, which may be in
   any language, as opposed to the linkable or executable binary
   produced from it by a compiler.  The idea behind the term is that
   to a real hacker, a program written in his favorite programming
   language is at least as readable as English.  Usage: mostly by
   old-time hackers, though recognizable in context.  2. The official
   name of the database language used by the Pick Operating System,
   actually a sort of crufty, brain-damaged SQL with delusions of
   grandeur.  The name permits {marketroid}s to say "Yes, and you
   can program our computers in English!" to ignorant {suit}s
   without quite running afoul of the truth-in-advertising laws.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
English cuisine is generally so threadbare that for years there has been a
gentlemen's agreement in the civilized world to allow the Brits preeminence in
the matter of tea - which, after all, comes down to little more than the
ability to boil water.
%%
English is a language in which grown people see nothing peculiar about
 telling a child, "Sit down and sit up."
 -- Russell Baker
%%
English is bad Ameslan.
%%
English is wonderful, when used correctly.
%%
English language?  We don't need no stinking english language!
 -- Wintermut  ( RDT Student )
%%
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
%%
English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
 Cornish Farmer: Aye.
 English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?
 Cornish Farmer: Aye.
 English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
 Cornish Farmer: Not yet.
%%
Enhancement
 breaking what you did right and getting paid for it
 [see also: maintenance]
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
:enhancement: n. {Marketroid}-speak for a bug {fix}.  This abuse
   of language is a popular and time-tested way to turn incompetence
   into increased revenue.  A hacker being ironic would instead call
   the fix a {feature} --- or perhaps save some effort by declaring
   the bug itself to be a feature.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
->Enigma/VioletArcana/TheOrb/InformationSociety/L.A.Style/U-96/Moby<-
--->Messiah/LordsOfAcid/Enya/NineInchNails/Front242/PolygonWindow<---
%%
Enjoy and you will be enjoyed!
%%
Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.
%%
Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
%%
Enjoyment is my speciality.
%%
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Enjoy your dear wit and gay rhetoric,
That hath so well been taught her dazzling fence.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 790
%%
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
%%
Enjoy your life. If you don't, no one else will.
%%
Enjoy your present pleasures so as not to injure those that are to follow.
 -- Seneca
%%
Enjoy yourself--it's later than you think.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Enjoy yourself - spring is here!
%%
En la boca cerratha, no enterran moscas
(If you keep your mouth closed, flies won't fly in...)
%%
Enlightened people seldom or never possess a sense of responsibility.
 -- George Orwell
%%
ENO     Emulate No-Op
%%
Enough is as good as a feast.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
Enough is equal to a feast.
 -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
 -- The Covent Garden Tragedy, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Enough is never enough.
 -- Rule of Parenthood
 -- Phyllis C. Richman
%%
ENOUGH, pro.  All there is in the world if you like it.

    Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter
    Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter.
                                                      Arbely C. Strunk
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Enough research will tend to confirm your conclusions.
%%
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
 -- Murphy's Law of Research
%%
Enough, with over-measure.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
:ENQ: /enkw/ or /enk/ [from the ASCII mnemonic ENQuire for
   0000101] An on-line convention for querying someone's availability.
   After opening a {talk mode} connection to someone apparently in
   heavy hack mode, one might type `SYN SYN ENQ?' (the SYNs
   representing notional synchronization bytes), and expect a return
   of {ACK} or {NAK} depending on whether or not the person felt
   interruptible.  Compare {ping}, {finger}, and the usage of
   `FOO?' listed under {talk mode}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Enquire not what boils in another's pot.
 -- Thomas Fuller
%%
Ensgin Expendable, step on that rock
 -- Kirk
%%
Ensign Crusher, I relieve you.
 -- Picard, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
Ensign, engage datasuck mode
%%
Ensign, if you encounter any holes...steer clear.
 -- Riker to Wesley, "Where Silence Has Lease",
        stardate 42193.6
%%
Ensign Mendon. You may impress me.
 -- Worf, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
Ensign Singer... Make it sew.
%%
Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution.
%%
Enter'd the very lime-twigs of his spells,
And yet came off.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 646
%%
Enter my world of LIFE, DEATH, AND NEUTRALITY ETERNAL!!
%%
ENTERTAINMENT, n.  Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of
death by injection.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Enter the mill and you will come out floury.
 -- Common Estonian Proverb
%%
Enter your personal identification number.
%%
Enthalpy, which in Greek stands for E+pV.
%%
En:   The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination
   chemists.  For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-
   diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable
   to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
   the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of
    en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Enthusiasm is faith set on fire.
 -- George Adams
%%
Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and
power and influence.
 -- Henry Chester
%%
ENTHUSIASM, n.  A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of
repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a
relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Enthusiasm without knowledge is like running in the dark.
%%
Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem.
(Entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity.)
 -- William of Occam, Occam's Razor
%%
Entire affection hateth nicer hands.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book i, Canto viii, St. 40
%%
Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms.
In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance, those whose surnames begin with "A" will be
allowed to go from 9-9:05 AM, and so on. If you are unable to go
at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next
day when your time comes around again.
 -- Work Rule
%%
Entropy has us outnumbered.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Entropy is not what it used to be.
 -- Spaulding
%%
Entropy is what happens when the universe doesn't pay its electric bill.
%%
Entropy requires no maintenance.
 -- Amanda Walker
%%
ENVELOPE, n.  The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the
husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them
will stick to other things when you don't want them to.
 -- Fourth Law of Office Murphology
%%
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
%%
Envy is a weed that grows in all soils and climates, and is no less
luxuriant in the country than in the court; is not confined to any rank
of men or extent of fortune, but rages in the breasts of all degrees.
 -- Lord Clarendon
%%
Envy is the bond between the hopeful and the damned.
 -- Roger Waters
%%
ENVY, n.  Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Envy shoots at others and wounds herself.
%%
Envy will merit as its shade pursue,
But like a shadow proves the substance true.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 266
%%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain
 things which otherwise require harder thinking.
 -- Jerome Lettvin
%%
EO      Electrocute Operator
%%
:EOF: /E-O-F/ [abbreviation, `End Of File'] n. 1. [techspeak] The
   {out-of-band} value returned by C's sequential character-input
   functions (and their equivalents in other environments) when end of
   file has been reached.  This value is -1 under C
   libraries postdating V6 UNIX, but was originally 0.  2. [UNIX] The
   keyboard character (usually control-D, the ASCII EOT (End Of
   Transmission) character) that is mapped by the terminal driver into
   an end-of-file condition.  3. Used by extension in non-computer
   contexts when a human is doing something that can be modeled as a
   sequential read and can't go further.  "Yeah, I looked for a list
   of 360 mnemonics to post as a joke, but I hit EOF pretty fast; all
   the library had was a {JCL} manual."  See also
   {EOL}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
EOI     Execute Operator Immediate [fast vers. of another opcode]
%%
:EOL: /E-O-L/ [End Of Line] n. Syn. for {newline}, derived
   perhaps from the original CDC6600 Pascal.  Now rare, but widely
   recognized and occasionally used for brevity.  Used in the
   example entry under {BNF}.  See also {EOF}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:EOU: /E-O-U/ n. The mnemonic of a mythical ASCII control
   character (End Of User) that would make an ASR-33 Teletype explode
   on receipt.  This construction parodies the numerous obscure
   delimiter and control characters left in ASCII from the days when
   it was associated more with wire-service teletypes than computers
   (e.g., FS, GS, RS, US, EM, SUB, ETX, and esp. EOT).  It is worth
   remembering that ASR-33s were big, noisy mechanical beasts with a
   lot of clattering parts; the notion that one might explode was
   nowhere near as ridiculous as it might seem to someone sitting in
   front of a {tube} or flatscreen today.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Epaminondas is reported wittily to have said of a good man that died
about the time of the battle of Leuctra, "How came he to have so much
leisure as to die, when there was so much stirring?"
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Rules for the Preservation of Health, 25
%%
EPAULET, n.  An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military
officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower
rank to whom his death would give promotion.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EP      Execute Programmer
%%
Epicurean cooks
Sharpen with cloyless sauce his appetite.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
EPICURE, n.  An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who,
holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time
in gratification from the senses.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Epicurus laid down the doctrine that pleasure was the chief good.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Epicurus, vi
%%
EPI     Execute Programmer Immediately
%%
EPIGRAM, n.  A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently
characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and
ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

    We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.
    To serve oneself is economy of administration.

    In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale.
    Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

    There are three sexes; males, females and girls.

    Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this:
    they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.

    Women in love are less ashamed than men.
    They have less to be ashamed of.

    While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands
    you are safe, for you can watch both his.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Epimenides was sent by his father into the field to look for a sheep,
turned out of the road at mid-day and lay down in a certain cave and
fell asleep, and slept there fifty-seven years; and after that, when
awake, he went on looking for the sheep, thinking that he had been
taking a short nap.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Epimenides, ii
%%
 EPISTEMOLOGY:  Take a position for or against truth.  prove the
 validity of your position.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
Epitaph: A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been
 permanently discontinued.
 -- Irvin S. Cobb
%%
EPITAPH, n.  An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired
by death have a retroactive effect.  Following is a touching example:

    Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
    Wise, pious, humble and all that,
    Who showed us life as all should live it;
    Let that be said -- and God forgive it!
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EPL     Emulate Phone Line
%%
E Pluribus Modem.
%%
E Pluribus Unix.
%%
E Pluribus UTS.
%%
:epoch: [UNIX: prob. from astronomical timekeeping] n. The time
   and date corresponding to 0 in an operating system's clock and
   timestamp values.  Under most UNIX versions the epoch is 00:00:00
   GMT, January 1, 1970; under VMS, it's 00:00:00 of November 17, 1858
   (base date of the U.S. Naval Observatory's ephemerides); on a
   Macintosh, it's the midnight beginning January 1 1904.  System time
   is measured in seconds or {tick}s past the epoch.  Weird
   problems may ensue when the clock wraps around (see {wrap
   around}), which is not necessarily a rare event; on systems
   counting 10 ticks per second, a signed 32-bit count of ticks is
   good only for 6.8 years.  The 1-tick-per-second clock of UNIX is
   good only until January 18, 2038, assuming at least some software
   continues to consider it signed and that word lengths don't
   increase by then.  See also {wall time}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
EPP     Eject printer paper
%%
EPS     Electrostatic Print and Smear
%%
EPS     Execute Program Sideways
%%
:epsilon: [see {delta}] 1. n. A small quantity of anything.
   "The cost is epsilon."  2. adj. Very small, negligible; less than
   {marginal}.  "We can get this feature for epsilon cost."
   3. `within epsilon of': close enough to be indistinguishable for
   all practical purposes, even closer than being `within delta
   of'.  "That's not what I asked for, but it's within epsilon of
   what I wanted."  Alternatively, it may mean not close enough, but
   very little is required to get it there: "My program is within
   epsilon of working."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:epsilon squared: n. A quantity even smaller than {epsilon}, as
   small in comparison to epsilon as epsilon is to something normal;
   completely negligible.  If you buy a supercomputer for a million
   dollars, the cost of the thousand-dollar terminal to go with it is
   {epsilon}, and the cost of the ten-dollar cable to connect them
   is epsilon squared.  Compare {lost in the underflow}, {lost
   in the noise}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
EPT     Erase Process Table
%%
EPT     Erase Punched Tape
%%
Equal and exact justice to all men, of whatever state or persuasion,
religious or political; peace, commerce, and honest friendship with
all nations,--entangling alliances with none; the support of the State
governments in all their rights, as the most competent administrations
for our domestic concerns, and the surest bulwarks against anti-republican
tendencies; the preservation of the general government in its whole
constitutional vigour, as the sheet anchor of our peace at home and
safety abroad;...freedom of religion; freedom of the press; freedom
of person under the protection of the habeas corpus; and trial by
juries impartially selected,--these principles form the bright constellation
which has gone before us, and guided our steps through an age of revolution
and reformation.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
 -- First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1801
%%
Equal bytes for women.
%%
Equality is a myth: woman is best!
%%
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor;
equality is when a female idiot moves ahead as fast as a male idiot.
 -- Ewald Nyquist
%%
Equality of opportunity is an equal opportunity to prove unequal talents.
 -- Sir Herbert Samuel
%%
Equinox - Cross between a horse and a cow.
%%
Equity is a roguish thing. For Law we have a measure, know what to
trust to; Equity is according to the conscience of him that is Chancellor,
and as that is larger or narrower, so is Equity. 'T is all one as
if they should make the standard for the measure we call a "foot"
a Chancellor's foot; what an uncertain measure would this be! One
Chancellor has a long foot, another a short foot, a third an indifferent
foot. 'T is the same thing in the Chancellor's conscience.
 -- John Selden (1584-1654)
 -- Table Talk, Equity
%%
Eraserhead is an example of the opposite of brainwashing.   It actually leaves
 a dirty bathtub ring on your mind.
 -- David Fox ([e-mail])
%%
:era, the: Syn. {epoch}.  Webster's Unabridged makes these words
   almost synonymous, but `era' usually connotes a span of time rather
   than a point in time.  The {epoch} usage is recommended.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Eres encantador.
%%
Eres precioso.
%%
Ere the blabbing eastern scout,
The nice morn, on th' Indian steep
From her cabin'd loop-hole peep.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 138
%%
ergo, bibamus - therefore let us drink
%%
:Eric Conspiracy: n. A shadowy group of mustachioed hackers named
   Eric first pinpointed as a sinister conspiracy by an infamous
   talk.bizarre posting ca. 1986; this was doubtless influenced by the
   numerous `Eric' jokes in the Monty Python oeuvre.  There do indeed
   seem to be considerably more mustachioed Erics in hackerdom than
   the frequency of these three traits can account for unless they are
   correlated in some arcane way.  Well-known examples include Eric
   Allman (he of the `Allman style' described under {indent style})
   and Erik Fair (co-author of NNTP); your editor has heard from about
   fifteen others by email, and the organization line `Eric
   Conspiracy Secret Laboratories' now emanates regularly from more
   than one site.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
ERIC    Eject Random Integrated Circuit
%%
ERIC IDLE PLAYED: THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO -WELL VERY
                  KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN, THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T
                  HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR
                  LAUNCELOT'S TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER),
                  BROTHER MAYNARD
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Eric : What kind of system errors could you expect in this experiment?
 Jason : Typograhical errors.      [and he was serious]
%%
:Eris: /e'ris/ n. The Greek goddess of Chaos, Discord, Confusion,
   and Things You Know Not Of; her name was latinized to Discordia and
   she was worshiped by that name in Rome.  Not a very friendly deity
   in the Classical original, she was reinvented as a more benign
   personification of creative anarchy starting in 1959 by the
   adherents of {Discordianism} and has since been a semi-serious
   subject of veneration in several `fringe' cultures, including
   hackerdom.  See {Discordianism}, {Church of the SubGenius}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Erle Stanley Gardnerian--Initiate of the Mysteries
%%
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
 Ever since they threatened to fire me, Frank replied.
%%
Ernest Coveley, thirty-seven, was sentenced to seven years in prison
in London in November for sixteen armed robberies, fourteen of which
were committed with a cucumber wrapped in foil to resemble a gun.  (In
the other two, he had used an iron bar because he said he could not
afford a cucumber.)  After each of the fourteen robberies, Coveley
said, he would eat his weapon in a sandwich.
%%
Eros and language mesh at every point. Intercourse and discourse, copula and
 copulation, are sub-classes of the dominant fact of communication.
 -- George Steiner
%%
EROS    Erase Read Only Storage
%%
:erotics: /ee-ro'tiks/ n. [Helsinki University of Technology,
   Finland] n. English-language university slang for electronics.
   Often used by hackers in Helsinki, maybe because good electronics
   excites them and makes them warm.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Errare umanum est.
%%
Err is basically a synonym for Murphy, but those who quote him over the better
known prophet insist he is as real as Murphy. The basis for their argument:
1) his spirit, like Murphy's, is everywhere and 2) Err is human.
%%
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
 -- WindowError: 004
%%
Error 005: Windows loading. Come back tomorrow.
%%
ERROR 144 - REBOOT? is a trademark of ENSONIQ corporation.
%%
Error #1511: Brain Offline
%%
Error #216: Tagline out of paper
%%
:error 33: [XEROX PARC] n. 1. Predicating one research effort upon
   the success of another.  2. Allowing your own research effort to be
   placed on the critical path of some other project (be it a research
   effort or not).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Error #96:  Dead mouse in hard drive.
%%
Error - [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ake like it's working...
%%
Error : (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell it
%%
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
 Additional
            errors may not be displayed or recorded.
 -- WindowError: 103
%%
ERROR: CPU not found
%%
Error in operator: add beer
%%
Error in REALITY.SYS.  Run BIGBANG.EXE (Y/N)
%%
Error: Keyboard not found, think "F1" to continue.
%%
ERROR: No caffeine found, programmer halted
%%
Error reading FAT table.  Try SKINNY one?  (Y/N)
%%
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
 -- WindowError: 020
%%
Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow;
He who would search for pearls must dive below.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- All for Love, Prologue
%%
ERROR: Unable to come up with a good tagline.
%%
Error: vmunix: panic on cpu 0: RUNLOCK
%%
Error:
What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Error: What you made the first time you went
 into a computer showroom 'just to look.'
%%
ERUDITION, n.  Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

    So wide his erudition's mighty span,
    He knew Creation's origin and plan
    And only came by accident to grief --
    He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
                                                           Romach Pute
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
ESB     Eject Selectric Ball [from IBM typewriter terminals]
%%
Escape charges were lodged against a Buffalo burglary suspect last June
 after he overpowered two city police officers without laying a hand on them.
 In the words of the police report, the man "did escape from custody, in that
 the defendant did flatulate in the car causing an exteme noxious odor
 forcing officers to roll down all windows in the vehicle to ventilate it, at
 which time defendant lunged his body out the side window.
 -- Authentic incident
%%
Escape me ?
Never -
Beloved !
While I am I, and you are you,
  So long as the world
    contains us both,
          Me the loving and you
            the loth,
While the one eludes, must
the other persue.
 -- Robert Browning
%%
Escaping through the lily fields, I came across an empty space
 It trembled and exploded, left a bus stop in its place...
 -- unknown
%%
ESC     Emulate System Crash (Bobby Baum)
%%
Eschew dialect, irregardless.
%%
Eschew obfuscation.
 -- Bumper sticker
%%
ESD     Eject Spinning Disk
%%
Eskimos: God's frozen people.
%%
ESL     Exceed Speed of Light
%%
es, nor the crops, but the kind of man that the country turns out.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
ESOTERIC, adj.  Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult.
The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that
the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,
those that nobody could understand.  It is the latter that have most
profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in
our time.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
E-Space is another universe.   There isn't a taxi service,
      goes back and forth.
 -- Doctor Who, EARTHSHOCK
%%
Essentials: everything you left at home.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
 -- Gerritt Blaauw
%%
Establish thou the work of our hands upon us: yea, the work of our
hands establish thou it.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xc, 17
%%
Estimated amount of fat surgically removed from Americans in 1988,
in pounds: 200,400

Estimated amount of silicone and collagen implanted in Americans in 1988,
in pounds: 63,250
%%
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human
  brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
 -- Harper's Index, October 1989
%%
Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2,
add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit.
Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.
 -- Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule
%%
ETB   Eat Tape and Belch
%%
[etc., etc., etc.]
Down-dooby-doo-down-down/breaking up is hard to do.
Have you been this bitter for a while now, or did she just leave you
recently?
 -- Devjani Mishra  A student/professor at Yale
%%
Eternal boredom is the price of constant vigilance.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Eternal smiles his emptiness betray,
As shallow streams run dimpling all the way.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 315
%%
Eternal sunshine settles on its head.
 -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty--power is ever stealing from the
many to the few.
 -- Wendell Phillips
%%
"Eternal Vigilance Is The Price of Liberty" used to mean we watched
the government - not the other way around.
 -- Bill Stewart
%%
Eternity has nothing to do with the hereafter...  This is it...  If
you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere.  The experience
of eternity right here and now is the function of life.  Heaven is
not the place to have the experience; here's the place to have the
experience.
 -- Joseph Campbell
%%
Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.
 -- Hermann Hesse
%%
Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead.
It is going on all the time.  We are in it now.
 -- Charlotte P Gilman
%%
Eternity's a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it all going to end?
 -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_
%%
Eternity stands always fronting God; a stern colossal image with
blind eyes, and dim lips, that murmur evermore, "God, God, God!"
 -- Mrs. Browning
%%
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
%%
Ethics are bit a like an erection, no matter how well intended they are prone
 to sudden deflation
 -- Dougal Haston - refering to climbing ethics.
%%
Ethics is not definable, is not implementable, because it is not conscious;
it involves not only our thinking, but also our feeling.
 -- Valdemar W. Setzer
%%
ETHNOLOGY, n.  The science that treats of the various tribes of Man,
as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and
ethnologists.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ethnomagnetism:
 The tendency of young people to live in emotionally
demonstrative, more unrestrained ethnic neighborhoods: "You wouldn't
understand it there, mother - they *hug* where I live now."
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
ETI     Execute This Instruction [for recursive programs]
%%
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely
 essential.
 -- Will Cuppy
%%
ETM     Emulate Trinary Machine
%%
Et sic patet quod totus mundus est sicut unum speculum plenum luminibus
praesentantibus divinam sapientam, et sicut carbo effundens lucem.
%%
Et tu, Brute!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
that were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
'logy' ("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to
swallow."
 -- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota
%%
EUCHARIST, n.  A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.
    A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as
to what it was that they ate.  In this controversy some five hundred
thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EU    Electrocute User
%%
EULOGY, n.  Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth
and power, or the consideration to be dead.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Eunichs:  The operating system for real men.
%%
Eunuchs unite - you have nothing to lose.
%%
Eureka!
%%
Euripides says,--
Who knows but that this life is really death,
And whether death is not what men call life?
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pyrrho, viii
%%
Euripides was wont to say, "Silence is an answer to a wise man."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Bashfulness
%%
European Space Operations Centre
Where the real rocket scientists are !
%%
Europe was created by history.  America was created by philosophy.
 -- Margaret Thatcher
%%
Eurybiades lifting up his staff as if he were going to strike, Themistocles
said, "Strike, if you will; but hear."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Themistocles
%%
Eva Goss was a woman given to uncanny intuitions. It was her contention,
 often expressed to Mr. Goss, that the female of the species had an occult
 sixth sense which a mere male did not possess. Some of her intimations of
 disaster bordered on the supernatural, as witness the occasion, some years
 ago, when she had urged Mr. Goss to turn back to the house as they were
 setting out for a drive, because she had a premonition she left her
 cigarette burning somewhere. Mr. Goss could not find her cigarette, but
 while he was looking for it he had laid his lighted cigar on the hall
 table, and the house had burned to the ground. Mrs. Goss could not have
 been more pleased.
 -- Corey Ford
%%
EVANGELIST, n.  A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious
sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of
our neighbors.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%%
Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
   can drink in a year's time.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
%%
EVC     Execute Verbal Commands
%%
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
%%
Even a fool knows that you can't touch the stars,
but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying.
 -- Judge Harry T. Stone
%%
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvii, 28
%%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%%
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
%%
Even a nod from a person who is esteemed is of more force than a thousand
arguments or studied sentences from others.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Phocion
%%
Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!
 -- from Fiddler On The Roof
%%
Even as a surgeon, minding off to cut
Some cureless limb,--before in ure he put
His violent engins on the vicious member,
Bringeth his patient in a senseless slumber,
And grief-less then (guided by use and art),
To save the whole, sawes off th' infested part.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Sixth Day
%%
Even a single hair casts its shadow.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 228
%%
Even at the turning o' the tide.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies
%%
Even bargains cost money.
%%
    Even for a wizard there will often come times when someone close to you,
perhaps even your spouse, criticizes your habits by comparing them to those of
animals. This is distinctly unfair to the animals, who have far better habits
than we in many areas. When, for example, have you seen a frog collecting taxes
or a squirrel running for electoral office? Present arguments like these to
those people who criticize you. If they still do not see the wisdom of your
ways, you may then feel free to bite them.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IX
%%
Even God cannot change the past.
 -- Agathon (447-401 B.C.E.)
%%
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
 -- Menander
%%
Even God's providence
  Seeming estrang'd.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- The Bridge of Sighs
%%
Even granting that the genius subjected to the test of critical inspection
emerges free from all error, we should consider that everything he has
discovered in a given domain is almost nothing in comparison with what
is left to be discovered.
 -- Santiago Ramon y Cajal
%%
Even her garbage was gift-wrapped.
 -- James Komack
%%
Even his ignorance is encyclopedic.
 -- Stanislaw Lem
%%
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the
  same mistakes.
 -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
%%
Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake.
%%
Even if it can't, it might.
 -- A. J. Barton
%%
Even if it DOES matter, does it matter that it matters?  Zootlewurdle
zootlewurdle zootlewurdle...
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Even if the propeller had the power of propelling a vessel, it would be found
 altogether useless in practice, because the power being applied in the stern
 would be absolutely impossible to make the vessel steer.
 -- Sir William Symonds - British Royal Navy, 1837
%%
Even if the story isn't true, if hase a grain of sense and instruction to  it,
and it's entertaining as well, it's worth the telling.
%%
Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about
astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked.
Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an
effect on our characters, lives, or destinies?  What force or influence,
what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human
beings and affect our development or fate?  No amount of scientific-sounding
jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central
problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which
celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . .
Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents
the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those
of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always
claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their
efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have
generously done such testing for them.  There have been dozens of well-designed
tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . .
I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest
in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them
keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by
the firelight, afraid of the night.
 -- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific,
 -- "Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed,"
 -- San Jose Mercury News, May 8, 1988
%%
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
 -- Hajime Karatsu
%%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
 speak it to?
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
Even if you had the guts, you'd only be doing me a favor.
 -- Greg Sutton (the oil man), INFERNO
%%
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
%%
Even if you put a woman on a pedestal, it's still a pedestal.
%%
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Even if you start your laundry before 8 AM on Saturday, you will not finish
 folding it until after midnight on Sunday.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Even in 1956, when informed of his mother's brutal
 murder, he restricted his comments to one word:
 `Good.'
 -- From the medical report on Rorschach. WATCHMEN #6
%%
Even in mathematics, the sacred yoni appears in both the shape and
substance of 0, the void, while the lingam appears in the shape and
substance of 1, the creative lightning, and out of the union of the
0 and 1, all of the numbers of creation can be generated in binary
notation.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
Even in the afternoon of her best days.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act iii, Sc. 7
%%
Even in the force and road of casualty.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 9
%%
Even in the presence of others he was completely alone.
 -- Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
%%
Even in war, moral power is to physical as three parts out of four.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Even light, which travels so fast that it takes most races thousands of years
to realize that it travels at all, takes time to journey between the stars.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
%%
Even Napoleon had his Watergate
%%
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman
 without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
Even now, I go to someone's house and think I am being a good guest if I am
very quiet, don't ask for anything, and refuse anything that's offered.  This
behavior makes other people think of me as a nincompoop.
 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%%
Even opinion is of force enough to make itself to be espoused at the
expense of life.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book i, Chap. xl, Of Good and Evil
%%
Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule:
when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses
 --  John Weitz
%%
Even paranoids have enemies.
 -- Jim Pastore
%%
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
 -- Poor Richard
%%
Even rats learn from experience.
 -- George Skarbek
%%
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Even such a man, so faint, so spiritless,
So dull, so dead in look, so woe-begone,
Drew Priam's curtain in the dead of night,
And would have told him half his Troy was burnt.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Even such is time, that takes in trust
Our youth, our joys, our all we have,
And pays us but with age and dust;
Who in the dark and silent grave,
When we have wandered all our ways,
Shuts up the story of our days.
But from this earth, this grave, this dust,
My God shall raise me up, I trust!
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- Written the night before his death,
 -- Found in his Bible in the Gate-house at Westminster
%%
Even supervising can be fun you know.
%%
Even the best of all bargains costs something,
 and if it is that good, it usually isn't worth having.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
 -- Kehlog Albran, The Profit
%%
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
%%
Even the finest of cookbooks is no substitute for the poorest of dinners.
 -- Aldous Huxley
%%
Even the gods cannot change history.
 -- Agathon (448-400 B.C.)
 -- Quoted in Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Bk, VI, Ch. 2, 1139 b 10
%%
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
%%
Even the most boundless love can end.
 -- Rhett Butler, to Scarlet O'Hara, _Gone With The Wind_
%%
Even the most primitive societies have an innate respect for the insane.
 -- The Motorcycle Boy
%%
Even the most scientific investigator in science, the most thoroughgoing
Positivist, cannot dispense with fiction; he must at least make use of
categories, and they are already fictions, analogical fictions, or labels,
which give us the same pleasure as children receive when they are told the
"name" of a thing.
 -- Havelock Ellis
%%
Even the most wrinkled prune has a pit.
%%
Even the music was nice.
 -- Yogi Berra (speaking of the opera "Tosca").
%%
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
%%
Even the works of the great Shakespeare will
 disappear when the universe burns out -- not such
 a terrible thought, of course, when it comes to a
 play like "Titus Andronicus", but what about the others?
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Even the worthy Homer sometimes nods.
 -- Horace (65-8 BC)
 -- Ars Poetica, 359
%%
Even things in themselves not positively advantageous, sometimes
become so, by their tendency to provoke exertion. Every new scene,
which is opened to the busy nature of man to rouse and exert itself,
is the addition of a new energy to the general stock of effort.
 -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
Even though a number of people have tried,
no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
 -- Jean Kerr
%%
Even though Federal health officials are promoting less tobacco use,
the tobacco industry should continue to expand in foreign markets.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he
had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched
me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit
of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even
hurl large rocks at their heads.  It was only later that I discovered
they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
"Even though Mr. Chisel was cleared on all counts of bank fraud, the
 judge sentenced him to 1000 hours of community service - just in case."
 -- Marshall, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana
%%
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
day.
%%
Even today two can live as cheaply as one. But both must be working.
%%
Events later this year will prove your life isn't as bad as it could be.
%%
Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it.
 The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks
from the basement of time.  On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops.
 Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
 I am haunted by waters.
 --  Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It p. 1
%%
Eventually, everything will be there.
%%
Eventually, I hope I'll learn to face death - if I live long enough.
%%
    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
 -- The World According to Student Bloopers: Richard Lederer
%%
Eventually you will come to admire the swift elegance of a retreating nymph.
%%
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the
 concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening
 him with it much more effective.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.
 -- MURPHY'S FLU PHILOSOPHY
%%
Even when uttered by Democrats, "middle class" often
sounds like a mealymouthed way of saying, "Us, and not them,"
where them includes poor people, snake handlers and those with
pierced tongues.
 -- Barbara Ehrenreich
%%
Even when you do find food, it's wicked expensive (like everything else at
WDW!).
%%
Even with all our technology there is no way to make an
8000m peak safe.  You must go thinking you will not come back.
 -- Reinhold Messner
%%
"Ever ask yourself 'How I got here'?"
"I use to, now I just ask myself how the hell do I get out."
 -- Hiding Out
%%
Ever charming, ever new,
When will the landscape tire the view?
 -- John Dyer (1700-1758)
 -- Grongar Hill, Line 102
%%
Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear
 strapped to your butt?
     No.
'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek.
 -- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters
[ditto]
%%
Ever have an out-of-body experience? [yn]
Wow, man. Fly the friendly skies....
%%
Ever have one of those millennia?
%%
Ever heard of this theory of "trickle down?"  That's ridiculous. We're
talking about trickling up. We're talking about climbing up the ladder.
 --  Vice President Dan Quayle trying to encourage teenage
                    students in Salinas, California to push themselves in
                    school. (The Fresno Bee, 5/19/92, taken from The
                    Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
%%
Ever judge of men by their professions. For though the bright moment
of promising is but a moment, and cannot be prolonged, yet if sincere
in its moment's extravagant goodness, why, trust it, and know the
man by it, I say,--not by his performance; which is half the world's
work, interfere as the world needs must with its accidents and circumstances:
the profession was purely the man's own. I judge people by what they
might be,--not are, nor will be.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- A Soul's Tragedy, Act ii
%%
EVERLASTING, adj.  Lasting forever.  It is with no small diffidence
that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am
not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of
Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"
as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.  His book
was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is
still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of
the soul.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ever let your parakeet out of its cage? They fly across the room, right
 into the mirror ... He would hit that mirror: Bang! And he would fly off in
 some other direction trying to get it together. He's so stupid. Even if he
 thought the mirror was another room, you'd think he'd try to avoid hitting
 the other parakeet!
 -- Jerry Seinfeld
%%
Evermore thanks, the exchequer of the poor.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Ever negotiate with lawyers at a huge company?  If they saw you
drowning 100 feet from the shore, they'd through you a 51-foot rope
and say they went more than halfway.
 -- Paul Somerson in 'PC Computing,' 1996
%%
Ever notice how a dog likes to bark at a drunk? And vice versa?
 -- Pat Buttram
%%
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...
%%
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Ever notice how religion and a political campaign are alike? You
can't tell if the promises are true until it's too late to go back.
%%
Ever notice that "cat the output to 'time'" makes more sense if you read it
backwards?
%%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are
 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
%%
Ever notice that fifteen minutes into a Jerry Lewis telethon you start
 rooting for the disease?
 -- Jim Sherbert
%%
Ever notice that IMHO sounds a lot like `I'm a whore'?--that's why
every time you see those letters you should think `Who's the pimp?'.
 -- "Bob"'s Big Book of Things to Say, Think, and Do on the Net,
 -- O'Reilly & Assoc., Dobbstown (1984)
%%
Ever notice that what the hell is always the right decision?
 -- Marilyn Monroe
%%
Ever of thee I 'm fondly dreaming,
Thy gentle voice my spirit can cheer.
 -- George Linley (1798-1865)
 -- Ever of Thee
%%
"Ever see a Dirty Harry movie?"
  "Yessir!"
"Like 'em?"
  "Yessir!  Very much so!"
 -- A soldier with a gun to his head in "The American"
%%
Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas?
%%
Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's
 punishment has been to have to supply a man with food and then suffer the
 consequences when it disagrees with him.
 -- Helen Rowland
%%
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called wise men.
All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: How about:
Would you please take my wife?     No.  How about: Here is my wife, please
take her right now.  No How about:  Would you like to take something?
My wife is available.  No.  How about ...
 -- Dave Barry, Why Humor is Funny
%%
Ever tried to catch a flying boomerang?
%%
Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
Just spell "Evian" backwards!
%%
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
 -- John Mendoza
%%
Ever wonder why they don't make the zippers on these things go further?
%%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%%
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
%%
Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
 -- Newton's Fourth Law
%%
Every action in our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.
 -- Edwin Hubbel Chapin
%%
Every action or decision of an institution must be intended to keep
the institution machinery working.
 -- Robert N. Kharasch
%%
Every actual State is corrupt.  Good men must not obey laws too well.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Politics"
%%
Every adult needs a child to teach;
it's the way adults learn.
 -- Frank A. Clark
%%
Every age and generation must be as free to act for itself,
in all cases, as the ages and generations which preceeded it.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
Every age has its pleasures, its style of wit, and its own ways.
 -- Nicholas Boileau-Despreaux (1636-1711)
 -- The Art of Poetry, Canto iii, Line 374
%%
Every animal leaves traces of what it was;
man alone leaves traces of what he created.
 -- Jacob Bronowski
%%
Every answer he [President John Adams] gives to his addressers unmasks
more and more his principles and views.  His language to the young
men at Philadelphia is the most abominable and degrading that could
fall from the lips of the first magistrate of an independent people,
and particularly from a Revolutionary patriot.
 -- James Madison, Letter to Thomas Jefferson, May 20, 1798
%%
Every art and every faculty contemplates certain things as its principal
objects.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xx
%%
Every baby resembles the relative who has the most money.
 -- Luke McLuke (James Syme Hastings)
%%
Every beginning is a consequence.
Every beginning ends something
 -- Paul Valery, French poet
%%
Every body continues in its state of rest or uniform
motion in a straight line, except insofar as it doesn't.
 -- Sir Arthur Eddington
%%
Everybody experiences far more than he understands. Yet it is
experience, rather than understanding, that influences behavior.
 -- Marshall McLuhan
%%
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Everybody gets so much information all day along
that they lose their common sense.
 -- Gertrude Stein
%%
Everybody got mixed feelings about the function and the form; everybody got
 to deviate from the norm.
 -- Neil Peart
%%
 Everybody has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 33
%%
Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, prompter,
playwrite, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, and audience
into the bargain.
 -- Julius C. Hare, Augustus W. Hare, Guesses at Truth
%%
Everybody has sex now. When I was a kid only women had sex and you had to
 get it from them. We got a battery-powered sexual aid. Actually, a
 flashlight. When I was performing she would wave it back and forth to
 create an illusion of motion.
 -- Tony Stone
%%
Everybody has something to conceal.
 -- Humphrey Bogart
%%
Everybody has to be somebody to someone, somewhere, sometime, so that they
 can be anybody to anyone at anytime.
%%
Everybody in Los Angeles is in therapy. It's a good thing they don't have
 parking spaces for the emotionally handicapped. There'd be no place to
 park.
 -- Jackson Perdue
%%
Everybody in this room is wearing a uniform, so don't kid yourself...
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale
 or a disaster Movie!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
 -- Dijkstra
%%
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Everybody knows they're worth something on this
 world.  But we're never quite sure on my planet.
 We're always trying to prove it to someone.
 -- Another solemn, gently ironic line from ZOT!
%%
Everybody lies about sex.
%%
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
 -- Lieberman's Law
%%
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
 -- Arthur Miller
%%
Everybody likes and respects self-made men. It is a great deal better
to be made in that way than not to be made at all.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, i
%%
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
%%
Everybody must get stoned
 -- Bob Dylan
%%
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
%%
Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in,
where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul alike.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Everybody ought to have a butler.
%%
Everybody ought to have a friend.
%%
Everybody sets out to do something,
and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
 -- Moore's Constant
%%
Everybody's got a horror story to tell.
 -- Dr Adder
%%
Everybody's got plans...until they get hit.
 -- Mike Tyson, heavyweight champ on plans released by Tyrell Biggs' camp
 -- on how they would defeat the champ.
%%
Everybody should believe in something;
I believe I'll have another drink.
 -- Mary Steele
%%
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
 -- Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy
%%
Everybody should have tasted a scorpion at least once in his life.
%%
Everybody thinks himself well-bred.
%%
Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow.
 -- Goethe
%%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%%
Everybody wants to peel their own banana.
 -- Young's Principle of Individuality
%%
Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else.
 -- Bruce Cockburn
%%
Everybody worships me, it's nauseating.
 -- Sir Noel Coward
%%
Every book its reader.
 -- Third law of library science
%%
Every bride has to learn it's not her wedding but her mother's.
%%
Every bug you find is the last one.
%%
Every burned book enlightens the world.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Compensation
%%
Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%%
Every child born in America can hope to grow up to enjoy tax loopholes.
%%
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.
 -- Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)
%%
Every child is an artist. The problem is to remain an artist once he
grows up.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
Every clarification breeds new questions.
 -- Murphy's Twelfth Law
%%
Every cocke is proud on his owne dunghill.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to PUNT.
%%
Every crowd has a silver lining.
 -- Phineas Taylor Barnum
%%
Every day I am aware of the flow and constant change; perhaps I am at the
edge of discovering what more our bodies might be able to teach about the
spirit of life. At least, I am always exploring and trying to understand
our relationship to the whole universe.
 -- Ruth Bernhard
%%
Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.
 -- Emile Coue
%%
Everyday in everyway I'm getting better and better, at least thats
what the little green men from mars keep telling me.
%%
Everyday is Earth Day for Miners.
%%
"Everyday I see myself in the mirror
But I do not know who's staring back at me"
 -- Midwinter Night
%%
Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
 -- Lenny Bruce
%%
Every day should be passed as if it were to be our last.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 633
%%
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it
 weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
Every dog must have its day.
 -- Jonathan Swift
%%
Every dog should be a domesticated one.
%%
Every editor of newspapers pays tribute to the Devil.
 -- La Fontaine
%%
Every employee begins at his level of competence.
 -- Peter's Hidden Postulate According to Godin
%%
Every employee should lay aside from each pay a goodly
sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, so
that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
 -- Work Rule
%%
Every evil to which we do not succumb is a benefactor.
 -- Emerson
%%
Every exit is an entry somewhere else.
 -- Tom Stoppard
%%
Every extension of knowledge arises from making the conscious the unconscious.
 -- Friedrich Nietzche
%%
Every fat must stand upon his bottom.
 -- John Bunyan (1628-1688)
 -- Pilgrim's Progress, Part i
%%
Every few thousand years a random lottery is held and one person is
granted immortality.  The latest winner is Dick Clark.
%%
Every fool will be meddling.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xx, 3
%%
Every four seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this
woman and stop her.
%%
Every free citizen is an ENEMY of the STATE.
 -- Kurt J. Robertson
%%
Every generation got its own disease.
I've got mine, babe.
 -- Fury in the Slaugtherhouse
%%
Every generation laughs at the old fashions but religiously follows the new.
 -- Thoreau
%%
Every generation thinks it has the answers, and every generation is
humbled by nature.
 -- Philip Lubin
%%
Every good person has learned how to obey, whom to obey and when to obey.
 Valuable lessons each.
%%
Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed.
 -- I. F. Stone
%%
Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute
rejection of authority.
 -- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)
%%
Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination.
 -- John Dewey
%%
Every great and commanding moment in the annals of the world is
the triumph of somebody's enthusiasm.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Every great decision creates ripples--like a huge boulder dropped in
 a lake.  The ripples merge, rebound off the banks in unforseeable ways.
 The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the
 consequences.
 -- Doctor Who, REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS
%%
Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or exceeding
the greatness of an idea.
 -- Hunt's Law
%%
Every great improvement has come after repeated failures. Virtually
nothing comes out right the first time. Failures, repeated failures,
are fingerposts on the road to achievement.
 -- Charles R. Kettering
%%
Every great or original writer in proportion as he is great or original,
must himself create the taste by which he must be relished.
 -- Wordsworth
%%
Every great philosophy is unconscious autobiography.
%%
Every great scientific truth goes through three states: First people
say it conflicts with the Bible; next, they say it has been discovered
before; lastly, they say they always believed it.
 -- (Jean) Louis (Rodolphe) Agassiz (1807-1873),
 -- Swiss-born, American naturalist
 -- Attributed
%%
Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one idiot.
Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's sometimes hard
to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and
pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits.
 -- Chuq Von Rospach, [e-mail], about Usenet
%%
Every guilty person is his own hangman.
 -- Seneca
%%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%%
Every habit and faculty is preserved and increased by correspondent
actions,--as the habit of walking, by walking; of running, by running.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- How the Semblances of Things are to be combated,
 -- Discourses, Book ii, Chap. xviii
%%
Every hand has only one finger to put a ring on. You've got only two hands. So?
%%
Every hero becomes a bore at last.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Representative Men"
%%
Every human being has, like Socrates, an attendant spirit; and wise
are they who obey its signals. If it does not always tell us what
to do, it always cautions us what not to do.
 -- Lydia M. Child (1802-1880), Philothea: A Romance, ch. 6 (1836)
%%
Every important document
you write will contain at least one egregious typographical error.
The more pubic the document, the more embarrassing the error.
 -- The Principle of Documentary Fallibility
%%
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
 -- Frank Moore Colby
%%
Every institution I've ever been associated with has tried to screw me.
 -- Stephen Wolfram
%%
Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course.
 -- STUDENT'S LAW
%%
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one
 loop... and at least one bug!
%%
Every investigation which is guided by principles of Nature fixes
its ultimate aim entirely on gratifying the stomach.
 -- Athenaeus (c. 200 AD)
 -- The Deipnosophists, vii, 11
%%
Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with
excellence.
%%
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for
 it.
 -- Russel Lynes
%%
Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the
 part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of.
 -- They Might Be Giants
%%
Every kid dreams of being the star of their own TV show. Take it from
 me, it's a living hell.
 -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Every Klingon hopes to die in the line of duty.
 -- Worf, "The Bonding", stardate 43198.7
%%
Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate ship.
No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding --
kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor
 -- Devon
%%
Every line a straight line, every pause a song cue.
%%
Every little BYTE helps.
%%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
 -- Don Vonada
%%
Every living thing wants to survive.
 -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
%%
Every major horror of history was committed in
the name of an altruistic motive.  Has any act of
selfishness ever equalled the carnage perpetrated
by disciples of altruism?
 -- Ayn Rand
%%
Every man and woman thinks of changing humanity, but none think of changing
themselves.
%%
Every man at his best state is altogether vanity.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxxix, 5
%%
Every man feels instinctively that all the beautiful sentiments in
the world weigh less than a single lovely action.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Rousseau and the Sentimentalists
%%
Every man for himselfe and God for us all.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ix
%%
Every man for himself, his own ends, the Devil for all.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 1, Memb. 3
%%
Every man has a price.
%%
Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions.
But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.
 -- Bernard Baruch
%%
Every man has business and desire,
Such as it is.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Every man has his fault, and honesty is his.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Every man has his follies -- and often they are the most interesting
thing he had got.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
Every man has his price.  Every price has its man.
%%
Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95.
%%
Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else - and usually
it's reading his own handwriting.
 -- G. Norman Collie
%%
Every man has three characters:  that which he exhibits, that which
he has, and that which he thinks he has.
 -- Alphonse Karr (1808-1890)
%%
Every man hath a good and a bad angel attending on him in particular,
all his life long.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 1, Subsect. 2
%%
Every man is a damn fool at least five minutes every day;
wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. iv
%%
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.
 -- Voltaire
%%
Every man is the architect of his own fortune.
[Faber est suae quisquae fortunae.]
 -- Sallustius
%%
Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when
pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked
by a mad notion.
 -- Robertson Davies
%%
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
%%
Every man meets his Waterloo at last.
 -- Wendell Phillips (1811-1884)
 -- Speech, Nov. 1, 1859
%%
Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Stray Sayings"
%%
Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener.
%%
Every man sees in his relatives a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Every man shall bear his own burden.
 -- New Testament
 -- Galatians vi, 5
%%
Every man's life, liberty, and property are in danger when the
Legislature is in session.
 -- Gideon J. Tucker
%%
Every man's wit
 must come from every man's soul,
 and no other's body.
 -- Laurence Stern
%%
Every man's work is a portrait of himself.
%%
Every man's work shall be made manifest.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians iii, 13
%%
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision
for the limits of the worls.
 -- Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher
%%
Every man who is high up likes to think he has done it all himself,
and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
 -- J.M. Barrie
%%
Every man who possesses power is impelled to abuse it.
 -- Baron de La Brede et de Montesquieu
%%
Every moment of pleasure in life has to be purchased by an equal moment
  of pain.
 -- Danilo O'Dell, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
richest people in America.   If I'm not there, I go to work
 -- Robert Orben
%%
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
%%
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
 -- Arthur Schopenhauer
%%
Every nation sincerely desires peace;
and all nations pursue courses which if persisted in,
must make peace impossible.
 -- Sir Norman Angell
%%
Every natural fact is a symbol of some spiritual fact.
 -- Emerson
%%
Every new adjustment is a crisis in self-esteem.
 -- Eric Hoffer
%%
Every new debt is yet another
 strand in the noose around your neck.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%%
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the
 black flag, and begin slitting throats.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Every once in a while a film comes along.  This is such a film.
 -- Mad Magazine
%%
Every once in a while declare peace, it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #76
%%
...every once in a while, you can get shown the light in the strangest of
places if you just look at it right...
 -- Grateful Dead
%%
Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out and you want to
catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone
forever.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/4/89
                   (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
Everyone becomes, if they are around long enough,
 the thing they most dispise.
%%
Everyone believes very easily whatever they fear or desire.
 -- Jean de La Fontaine
%%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:
Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to.
So it is with the great programmers.
%%
Every one can master a grief but he that has it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Everyone complains of his lack of memory, but nobody of his want of judgment.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
Everyone complains of his memory, but no one complains of his judgement.
 -- Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Everyone else is getting laid while I'm getting screwed.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
Every one excels in something in which another fails.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 17
%%
Every one fault seeming monstrous till his fellow-fault came to match it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Everyone feels so proud when the get a new lawn started, and then feels bad
 when they can't get the darned thing to stop.
%%
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.
 -- David Letterman
%%
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
 -- Howe's Law
%%
Everyone has heard of Canterbury if only because they murder
archbishops there.
 -- Michael Powell
%%
Everyone has their own talents, and if a cow gives milk, it need not fell
 sorry or guilty that it does not play the violin.
%%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%%
Everyone I know drinks Miller Lite.  And if they don't, I probably
don't know them.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
realize it.
%%
Everyone is always someplace else.
 -- Amand's Law of Management
%%
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile.
%%
Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
 -- Edgard Varese
%%
Every one is bound to bear patiently the results of his own example.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book i, Fable 26, 12
%%
Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
%%
Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion.
 -- Harlan Ellison
%%
Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven.
 -- Yiddish proverb
%%
Everyone is looking at you staring at my tits.
%%
Every one is more or less mad on one point.
 -- Rudyard Kipling, "On the Strength of a Likeness"
%%
Everyone, I think, remembers Voltaire's famous line about freedom of
 speech. The version of it that you are familiar with is actually based on a
 faulty translation. What Voltaire actually said was this: "I do not agree
 with what you say, sir, though I will defend to the death your right to say
 it. But for now ... shut up!"
 -- Steve Allen
%%
Everyone knows that adders can only multiply on a table of logs.
%%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way ...
 -- Stanislaw Lem, Cyberiad
%%
Everyone knows that there is a solution to every problem, but not everyone
 is aware that every solution to a problem brings about additional problems
 far worse than the problem for which the solution is known.
%%
Everyone likes flattery, and when you come to Royalty you should lay it
on with a trowel.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
Everyone makes mistakes.  The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
%%
Everyone must buy the co-sysop a beer!
 -- Rule #5a
%%
Everyone must row with the oars he has.
 -- English proverb
%%
Everyone ought to have a maid.
%%
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.
 -- The Peter Principle, Dr. Lawrence J. Peter
%%
Everyone's head is a cheap movie show.
 -- Jeff G. Bone
%%
 Everyone should be a non-conformist.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun
with singular nouns in their writing.
%%
Everyone should have manners, and anyone who doesn't should be kicked out
 of where ever they are and whipped until they bleed.
%%
Everyone's so nice to me. What have I done to deserve it?
%%
Everyone stays busy keeping other people busy.
%%
Everyone stopping by with unsought-for advice will see your mistake.
 -- Finagle's Third Law, Corollary 2
%%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
%%
Everyone talks about documentation, but nobody ever does anything about it.
 -- Weinberg's Programming Principle #8
%%
Everyone talks about reality, but no one ever does anything about it.
%%
Every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew vii, 8
%%
Every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness:
for he is a babe.
 -- New Testament
 -- Hebrews v, 13
%%
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing
himself.
 -- Leo Tolstoy
%%
Everyone wants a bus service to their door,
but no one wants a bus service in their street.
%%
Everyone wants to be Cary Grant... *I* want to be Cary Grant.
 -- Archibald Leech [Cary Grant]
%%
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.
%%
Everyone was seeing red, except for Foggerty, who was colour-blind.
%%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
        1. They want it quick.
        2. They want it good.
 3. They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware
%%
Everyone will avoid you, even though your personality isn't infectious.
%%
Every one wishes to have truth on his side, but it is not every one that
sincerely wishes to be on the side of truth.
 -- Whately
%%
Everyone would be so happy if everyone read the manual.
%%
Everyone writes on the walls but me.
 -- Graffiti seen in Pompeii
%%
Every opportunity we have to run our R&D scientists and engineers against
 our customers, we do it.
 -- George Heilmeier, Texas Instruments Inc., Dallas
%%
Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled
by misfits.
 -- Owen's Theory of Organizational Deviance
When one misfit leaves, another will be recruited.
 -- Corollary
%%
Every passing hour brings the solar system forty-three miles closer to
Globular System M13 in Hercules -- and still there are some misfits
who insist that there is no such thing as progress!
 -- Ransom K. Fern, Preface to Vonnegut's "Sirens of Titan"
%%
Every person is an individual; we all have a set of designer genes.
%%
Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic concerning it.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Every physician almost hath his favourite disease.
 -- from "Tom Jones" by Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
%%
Every politician we have, liberal or conservative, who gets caught drinking
 or chasing women is thrown out of office. It's backwards. It's more
 dangerous to have a clean-living President with his finger on the button.
 He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader?
 Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who
 wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.
 -- Larry Miller
%%
Every production must resemble its author.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote
%%
Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something.
 -- J. Vanderkooy Physics 122
%%

Every program at MIT attempts to expand until it can read mail.
Those programs which cannot expand are replaced by ones which can.
 -- The Law of Software Envelopment
%%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%%
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for
 which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
%%
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
 -- The Law of Software Development and Envelopment at MIT
%%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%%
Every puny whipster.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
Every purchase has its price.
%%
Every reader his book.
 -- Second Law of Library Science
%%
Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new
bureaucracy.
 -- Franz Kafka
%%
Every revolution was first a thought in one man's mind.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Every room
Hath blazed with lights and bray'd with minstrelsy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Every schoolboy hath that famous testament of Grunnius Corocotta Porcellus
at his fingers' end.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 1, Memb. 1, Subsect. 1
%%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%%
Every single trip to the laundromat results in the loss of one
important item of clothing.
%%
Every society honours its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.
 -- Mignon Mclaughlin
%%
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
 eating paper and a policeman was at the door.   Now all you have to do is
 bend a disk.
 -- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
 -- commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement
%%
Every solution breeds new problems.
 -- Murphy's Law Corollary  7
%%
Every so often I find myself giving out a business address
over the phone that includes the postal code M5H 2N6.
I'm always tempted to say:
   "M as in Mormon... N as in nary"
%%
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
 picture.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
    Every sorcerer should explore as much of the world as he can, for travel
is enlightening. There are certain circumstances, such as a major spell gone
awry, or an influential customer enraged at the size of your fee, where travel
becomes more enlightening still.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. V
%%
Every Spam is sacred
%%
Every subject's duty is the king's; but every subject's soul is his own.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure
 is no guarantee of eventual success.
%%
Every sunset which I witness inspires me with the desire to go a west as
distant and fair...We dream all night of those mountain-ridges on the
horizon...which were last gilded by his rays.
 -- Thoreau
%%
Every tenth Jesus is queer
%%
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
     colonel's HQ.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #30
%%
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
%%
Everything changes but change itself.
 -- John F. Kennedy
%%
Every thing changes but the avant garde.
%%
Everything comes if a man will only wait.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Tancred, Book iv, Chap. viii, (1847)
%%
Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.
 -- Thomas Edison, inventor
%%
Everything comes to him who waits, among other things, death.
 -- Francis Bradley
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - and if you hang around long enough,
 you'll get yours!
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - and in a building with one elevator, it
 will also be noticed that the thing goes up twice before it comes down
 once.
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - and in an airport it is usually the
 voice over the public address system announcing that your flight has been
 cancelled.
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - and in the doctors office, you can
 catch most of it.
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - except a loaned book.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - except that urgent return phone call.
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - in Hungary, it is called Goulash.
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - it is called hash.
%%
Everything comes to him who waits - save the item he loaned to a friend.
%%
Everything comes to the man who is least in need of it, and at a time when
 it is inconvenient for him to receive it.
%%
Everything costs more and takes longer.
 -- Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules
%%
 Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
 plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 42
%%
Everything flows and nothing abides;
everything gives way and nothing stays fixed.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
Everything goes wrong all at once.
 -- Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law (Thyme's Law)
%%
Everything goes wrong at once.
 -- Thyme's Law
%%
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
 -- Paul Hebig
%%
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
 -- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
%%
"Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think
of it again."
 -- Johann von Goethe
%%
Everything has two handles,--one by which it may be borne; another
by which it cannot.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Enchiridion, xliii
%%
Everything has two handles; the one soft and manageable, the other such as will
not endure to be touched. If then your brother do you an injury, do not take it
by the hot hard handle, by representing to yourself all the aggravating
circumstances of the fact; but look rather on the soft side, and extenuate it
as much as is possible, by considering the nearness of the relation, and the
long friendship and familiarity between you- obligations to kindness which a
single provocation ought not to dissolve. And thus you will take the accident
by the manageable handle.
 -- Epictetus
%%
Everything, including the corn flakes, is greasy.
 -- Law of Institutional Food
%%
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA  Part 1 of 2
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
 -- Gregory Singleton
%%
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA  Part 2 of 2
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
 -- Gregory Singleton
%%
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN
 1. Share everything.                2. Play fair.
 3. Don't hit people.                4. Put things back where you found them.
 5. Clean up your own mess.
 6. Don't take things that aren't yours.
 7. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
 8. Wash your hands before you eat.  9. Flush.
10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
11. Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint
    and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
12. Take a nap every afternoon.
13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands,
    and stick together.
14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup:
    The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why,
    but we are all like that.
15. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the
    Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we.
16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned
    --the biggest word of all--LOOK.
 -- Robert Fulghum
%%
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.
    Moderation is for monks.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Everything in life is somewhere else and you get there by car.
%%
Everything in Nature contains all the powers of Nature.  Everything is made of
one hidden stuff.
 -- Emerson
%%
Everything in the universe is packaging, big toys, or meat.
%%
Everything in the world may be endured except continual prosperity.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
%%
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
 -- O'Brian's Law
%%
Everything I say can stand on its own two faces.
%%
Everything I say is a lie...
%%
Everything is cold except what should be.
 -- Law of Institutional Food
%%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which,
unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
%%
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
 called Jump-in-the-Box.
 -- Wil Shriner
%%
Everything is flowing -- going somewhere, animals and so- called lifeless
rocks as well as water. Thus the snow flows fast or slow in grand
beauty-making glaciers and avalanches; the air in majestic floods carrying
minerals, plant leaves, seeds, spores, with streams of music and fragrance;
water streams carrying rocks... While the stars go streaming through space
pulsed on and on forever like blood...in Nature's warm heart.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Everything is for sale; only the price is negotiable.
%%
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
 -- Will Rogers, "The Illiterate Digest", 1924
%%
Everything is illusionary, but television is especially
illusionary
%%
Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.
 -- Robert Byrne
%%
Everything is in a state of metamorphosis. Thou thyself art in everlasting
change and in corruption to correspond; so is the whole universe.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 19
%%
Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.
 -- Wallace's Observation
%%
Everything is matter. Matter is electricity. Electricity is invisible,
intangible. Therefore it is nothing. Therefore everything is nothing.
%%
Everything is more complicated than it looks to most people.
 -- Frederick Lewis Allen
%%
Everything is nothing. Everything is all. All is one. One is inconceivable,
infinite. Therefore it is nothing. Therefore everything is nothing.
%%
Everything is soothed by oil, and this is the reason why divers send
out small quantities of it from their mouths, because it smooths every
part which is rough.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book ii, Sect. 234
%%
Everything is true - Everything is permissible!            -><-
 -- Hassan i Sabbah
%%
Everything is under construction.
 -- MA Driving #2
%%
Everything is under control,
 but what is that good for?
%%
Everything is within walking distance, if you have enough time.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
 -- Ingmar Bergman
%%
Everything is worth what its purchaser will pay for it.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 847
%%
Everything may happen. [Omnia fieri possunt.]
 -- Seneca, Epistulae ad Lucilium, Epis. LXX, 9
%%
Everything needs a little oil now and then.
%%
EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
%%
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
 -- Simon's Law
%%
Everything, saith Epictetus, hath two handles,--the one to be held
by, the other not.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part ii, Sect. 2, Memb. 3
%%
Everything's coming up roses.
%%
Everything secret degenerates; nothing is safe that does not bear
discussion and publicity.
 -- Lord Action (John E. E. Dalberg) (1834-1902), English Historian
 -- Quoted in Time, August 22, 1969
%%
Everything's fine...nothing's fine...life chugs on like a '74 Chevy Vega.
 -- Izzy Oritz
%%
Everything's going my way.
%%
Everything short of war, President Roosevelt promised the English by way of
 help in the dark days of the blitz; in the same way, American girls are
 liable to promise their beaux everything short of fornication.
%%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%%
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Everything should be transparent to the user.
%%
Everything starts as somebody's daydream.
 -- Larry Niven
%%
Everything takes longer than you think it will.
 -- Murphy's Law Corollary  2
%%
Everything takes more time and money.
 -- Anne DeCaprio
%%
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
 -- Jeffery F. Chamberlain
%%
Everything tastes so much better at a picnic--the ants, the sand,
 everything!
 -- Stan Hunt
%%
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
 -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
%%
Everything that can be said can be said clearly.
 -- Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus
%%
Everything that can be said to be unique to man:
speech, text, art, music, etc.,
can be reduced to zeros and ones.
%%
Everything that can happen, does.
 -- Worf's Law
%%
Everything that exceeds the bounds of moderation has an unstable foundation.
 -- Seneca
%%
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an
understanding of ourselves.
 -- Carl Jung
%%
Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.
%%
Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by
the individual who can work in freedom.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Everything the government touches turns to mold.
 -- Midas' Law
%%
Everything thought out to the nth degree.
Steeped in arcane ritual.
 -- BSD Unix, and the Vulcans
%%
Everything under the sun is in tune,
 but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
%%
Everything was fine until they invented four-letter words:
          WORK
     HARD WORK
VERY HARD WORK
%%
Everything was fine until they invented women.
%%
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
%%
Everything you can imagine is real.
 -- Picasso
%%
Everything you do or say is public relations.
%%
Everything you know is wrong, but some of it is a useful approximation!
%%
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
%%
Everything you know is wrong.
 -- The Firesign Theater
%%
Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true except for
that rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge.
 -- Erwin Knoll
%%
Everything you touch will turn to gold.
%%
Everything you've learned in school as obvious becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.    For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
Every thought is a feat of association.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a
 man leaves off something he looks worse.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Every time history repeats itself the prices go up.
 -- Peter's Observation on History
%%
Every time I find a girl who can cook like my mother--she looks like my
 father.
 -- Tony Randall
%%
Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it.
%%
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ... In our house, we have
 Alka-Seltzer on tap. If you cook like I do, the best thing I can tell you
 is not to be sensitive. Here are some of the insults I've had to overlook:
 When Fang passes my gravy, he says, "One lump or two?" Once I sent a treat
 to the Boy Scouts and the leader awarded a merit badge to anyone who could
 eat it. When I entered a cake at the county fair, it was the only one
 awarded a black ribbon ... But now I can boil water--when I don't forget
 and use the colander.
 -- Phyllis Diller
%%
Every time I go to the board with these notes I write down something
 completely different.
%%
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
 -- Oscar Levant
%%
Every time I lose weight, It finds me again!
%%
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
%%
Every time you hear a half decent rap song, some black guy starts talking
over top of it.
%%
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
%%
Every time you start something, you end something else. Just be sure that
 what you are doing is an improvement.
%%
"Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls that are
 labeled in black on a black background, a little black light lights up
 black to let you know you've done it."
 -- The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
%%
Every true man's apparel fits your thief.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Every tub must stand upon its bottom.
 -- Charles Macklin (1690-1797)
 -- The Man of the World, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Every way makes my gain.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Everywhere I go, I'm asked if I think the universities stifle writers.
My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a
bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
 -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
%%
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Everywhere is ... dykes and fairies, freaks and hairies
 ... I'd love to feed the world, but I don't know what to do.
 ... so I leave it up to you.
%%
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Everywhere there's lots of piggies
Leading piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives
To eat their bacon

%%
Every white will have its blacke,
And every sweet its soure.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Reliques of Ancient Poetry, Sir Cauline
%%
Every why hath a wherefore.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Comedy of Errors
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Every woman should marry, and no man.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
%%
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
 -- Beckett
%%
Every worthwhile accomplishment big or little, has its stages of
drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle, and a victory.
 -- Anonymous
%%
Every year a few research results pay the freight for all the rest.
 -- Robert A. Frosch, General Motors
%%
Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party, _I'm_ the one
  who has to wear the red nose and the pointy hat for winning the
  'Who's got the Stupidest Master' competition.
 -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Every year, I get the same tax form in the mail, with my name label on it.
 Can someone tell me how I can cancel my subscription?
%%
Eve was framed.
%%
  Evictor Hugo:  French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables".
 -- Not-so-Famous People from History
%%
:evil: adj. As used by hackers, implies that some system, program,
   person, or institution is sufficiently maldesigned as to be not
   worth the bother of dealing with.  Unlike the adjectives in the
   {cretinous}/{losing}/{brain-damaged} series, `evil' does
   not imply incompetence or bad design, but rather a set of goals or
   design criteria fatally incompatible with the speaker's.  This
   usage is more an esthetic and engineering judgment than a moral one
   in the mainstream sense.  "We thought about adding a {Blue
   Glue} interface but decided it was too evil to deal with."
   "{TECO} is neat, but it can be pretty evil if you're prone to
   typos."  Often pronounced with the first syllable lengthened, as
   /eeee'vil/.  Compare {evil and rude}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:evil and rude: adj. Both {evil} and {rude}, but with the
   additional connotation that the rudeness was due to malice rather
   than incompetence.  Thus, for example: Microsoft's Windows NT is
   evil because it's a competent implementation of a bad design;
   it's rude because it's gratuitously incompatible with UNIX in
   places where compatibility would have been as easy and effective to
   do; but it's evil and rude because the incompatibilities are
   apparently there not to fix design bugs in UNIX but rather to lock
   hapless customers and developers into the Microsoft way.  Hackish
   evil and rude is close to the mainstream sense of
   `evil'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Evil communications corrupt good manners.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians xv, 33
%%
Evil did I dwell; lewd I did live.
%%
Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth.
Or by misleading the innocent.
 -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%%
Evil habits soil a fine dress more than mud; good manners, by their
deeds, easily set off a lowly garb.
 -- Plautus
%%
Evil Mentalist   I think, therefore you aren't
%%
Evil thoughts intrude in an unemployed mind, as naturally as worms
are generated in a stagnant pool.
%%
Ev'n them who kept thy truth so pure of old,
When all our fathers worshipp'd stocks and stones.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- On the late Massacre in Piedmont
%%
Evolution in action [picture of Christian fish with legs]
%%
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.
Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only
atheists could accept this Satanic theory.
 -- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
%%
Evolution...is--a change from an indefinite homogeneity, to a definite
coherent heterogeneity.
 -- Herbert Spencer
%%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person
can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all
present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic
time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ
only with respect to theories about how the process operates.
 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life",
 -- The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%%
Evolution is RELIGIOUS because it can't be proven.
%%
Evolution is what it is.   The upper classes have always died out; it's one of
 the most charming things about them.
 -- Germaine Greer
%%
Evolution--life's a niche, and then you die.
%%
Evolution, revolution, birth control, sell your soul.
 Shooting rockets to the moon, kids growing up too soon.
 And the politicians say that more taxes will solve everything...
 ... ... and the band played on.
 -- Ball of Confusion
%%
Evolution sounds ok, but I'd rather keep my options open.
%%
EWD     Execute Warp Drive
%%
Ewelme (n,vb.)
 The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.
%%
"Exactly how obscene an amount of money were we talking about?
Profane?  Or really offensive?"
 -- Pretty Woman
%%
Exactly what Adam and Eve were ashamed of is never clearly explained,
 anywhere. And why did they cover their loins? Why not their noses or elbows
 or big toes? And what does God wear--a Pierre Cardin suit? (And why fig
 leaves? Fig leaves were intended to cover up figs.) The mind boggles: If I
 accept the anti-nude morality, I must be ashamed of my own body. But where
 can I go without it? Personally, I think God is losing a lot in
 translation. I can't imagine him being ashamed of anybody's nude body. On
 the contrary, he must think it's pretty peculiar when he sees us killing
 other animals and wearing their skins.
 -- Allan Sherman
%%
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest
 fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
 -- Charles Caleb Colton
%%
Examine the contents, not the bottle.
 -- The Talmud
%%
Examine what is said, not him who speaks.
 -- Arabian proverb
%%
:examining the entrails: n. The process of {grovel}ling through
   a {core dump} or hex image in an attempt to discover the bug that
   brought a program or system down.  The reference is to divination
   from the entrails of a sacrified animal.  Compare {runes},
   {incantation}, {black art}, {desk check}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Exam is a four-letter word for torture...
%%
Example is a living law, whose sway Men more than all the written laws obey.
 -- Sedley
%%
Example is better than following it.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.
 -- Albert Schweitzer, Swiss physician and theologian
%%
Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France,
 -- Letter i, On a Regicide Peace, Vol. v, p. 331
%%
Examples I could cite you more: But be contented with these four;
For when one's proofs are aptly chosen Four are as valid as four dozen.
 -- Prior
%%
Exams will always contain questions not discussed in class.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
Exceeding fair she was not; and yet fair
In that she never studied to be fairer
Than Nature made her; beauty cost her nothing,
Her virtues were so rare.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- All Fools, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Exceedingly well read.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
EXCE   Execute Customer Engineer
%%
Excellence in any department can be attained only
by the labor of a lifetime;
it is not to be purchased at a lesser price.
%%
Excellence is an art won by training and habituation.  We do not act
rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those
because we have acted rightly.  We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence,
then, is not an act but a habit.
 -- Aristotle
%%
Excellence is never granted to man, but as the reward of labor. It
argues, indeed, no small strength of mind to persevere in the habits
of industry, without the pleasure of perceiving those advantages
which, like the hands of a clock, whilst they make hourly approaches
to their point, yet proceed so slowly as to escape observation.
 -- Sir Joshua Reynolds
%%
        Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence,
Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.
 -- Dave Barry, In Search of Excellence
%%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
%%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
%%
Excellent wretch! Perdition catch my soul,
But I do love thee! and when I love thee not,
Chaos is come again.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Except by name, Jean Paul Friedrich Richter is little known out of
Germany. The only thing connected with him, we think, that has reached
this country is his saying,--imported by Madame de Stael, and thankfully
pocketed by most newspaper critics,--"Providence has given to the
French the empire of the land; to the English that of the sea; to
the Germans that of--the air!"
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Richter, Edinburgh Review, 1827
%%
Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man
manages his affairs as well as a tree does.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
 -- Ellyn Mustard
%%
Except for our thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power.
 -- Descartes
%%
Except I be by Sylvia in the night,
There is no music in the nightingale.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
EXCEPTION, n.  A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other
things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.  "The
exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips
of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought
of its absurdity.  In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means
that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not
_confirms_ it.  The malefactor who drew the meaning from this
excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an
evil power which appears to be immortal.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
%%
Exceptions prove the rule - and wreck the budget.
 -- Miller's Law
%%
Exceptions rule.
%%
Except wind stands as never it stood,
It is an ill wind turns none to good.
 -- Thomas Tusser (c. 1515-1580)
 -- A Description of the Properties of Wind
%%
EXCERPTS FROM LIFE'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK, VOLUMES I AND II 35.
Plant a tree on your birthday. 47. Don't waste time learning the "tricks
of the trade." Instead, learn the trade. 53. Vote. 68. Be brave. Even
if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. 100.
Read the Bill of Rights. 198. Feed a stranger's expired parking meter.
209. Observe the speed limit. 267. Lie on your back and look at the
stars. 271. When facing a difficult task, act as though it is impossible
to fail. If you're going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce.
322. Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same
number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur,
Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson,
and Albert Einstein. 393. Learn how to operate a Macintosh computer.
513. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. 558. Never betray a confidence.
595. Be the first to fight for a just cause. 817. Share your knowledge.
It's a way to achieve immortality. 939. Never be ashamed of your patriotism.
 -- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
%%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%%
Excessive official restraints on information are inevitably self
defeating and productive of headaches for the officials concerned.
 -- Edward Kennedy, AP correspondent
%%
 Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
EXCESS, n.  In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate
penalties the law of moderation.

    Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine,
        To thee in worship do I bend the knee
        Who preach abstemiousness unto me --
    My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
    Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
        Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
        With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
    Upon my forehead and along my spine.
    At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
        With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
        When on thy stool of penitence I sit
    I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
    Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
    To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Excess of grief for the deceased is madness; for it is an injury
to the living, and the dead know it not.
 -- Xenophon
%%
Excess of wealth is cause of covetousness.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- The Jew of Malta, Act i
%%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
 -- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
:EXCH: /eks'ch*/ or /eksch/ vt. To exchange two things, each
   for the other; to swap places.  If you point to two people sitting
   down and say "Exch!", you are asking them to trade places.  EXCH,
   meaning EXCHange, was originally the name of a PDP-10 instruction
   that exchanged the contents of a register and a memory location.
   Many newer hackers are probably thinking instead of the
   {{PostScript}} exchange operator (which is usually written in
   lowercase).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Excited, Spock opens a box full of pointy ear tips.
%%
Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty!  As a tracer,
you must rid the computer networks of slimy, criminal data thieves.
They are tricky and the action gets tough, so watch out!  Utilizing all
your skills, you'll either get your man or you'll get burned!
 -- advertising for the computer game "Tracers"
%%
Exciting plays only occur when your are watching the scoreboard or buying food.
 -- Moser's Law of Sports
%%
:excl: /eks'kl/ n. Abbreviation for `exclamation point'.  See
   {bang}, {shriek}, {{ASCII}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Exclusive dedication to chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion
renders john stuporous.
[ all work and no play makes john a dull boy. ]
%%
Exclusive: Imported product
%%
EXCLUSIVE .................. We're the only ones who have the documentation
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

    This "excommunication" is a word
    In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
    And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
    Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal --
    A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
    Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
                                                            Gat Huckle
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Excreto ergo sum.
%%
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
 survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?
 -- Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor
                   in Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor'
%%
Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here?
 -- Odo
%%
Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
%%
Excuse me please, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond . . .

There!

Now, what did you want?
%%
Excuse me, Sir, said a surveyor to a person in the street,
 I am a surveyor and I wonder if you could please help me by
 holding this measuring tape for a second or two. In most
 cases the stranger would oblige. And the surveyor, who was
 Horace de Vere Cole, an arch-joker during the 1920s would go
 around the corner to ask another person to hold the other
 end of the tape. Cole would then retire to a nearby shop
 doorway and wait, with tears of laughter running down his
 cheeks, for the moment when his two victims realized that
 they had been hoaxed.
%%
Excuse me. This life isn't working. I want to exchange it.
Have you tried plugging it in?
%%
Excuse me, what did you say?  Oh, I thought you said "Whop".
%%
Excuse me... What does God need with a starship?
 -- Kirk, "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
Excuse me while I change into something more formidable
%%
Excuse me, while I kiss the sky...
 -- Jimi Hendrix
%%
Excuse me, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond.
 -- a computer, from Firesign Theater's I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus
%%
Excuse my dust.
 -- Written on grave
%%
Excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one and they both stink.
 -- unknown
%%
:exec: /eg-zek'/ vt., n.  1. [UNIX: from `execute'] Synonym for
   {chain}, derives from the `exec(2)' call.  2. [from
   `executive'] obs. The command interpreter for an {OS} (see
   {shell}); term esp. used around mainframes, and prob.
   derived from UNIVAC's archaic EXEC 2 and EXEC 8 operating systems.
   3. At IBM and VM/CMS shops, the equivalent of a shell command file
   (among VM/CMS users).

   The mainstream `exec' as an abbreviation for (human) executive is
   *not* used.  To a hacker, an `exec' is a always a program,
   never a person.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Execute each act of your life as though it were your last, and in the end,
 you will be correct.
%%
Execute their airy purposes.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 430
%%
Executions
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 07
%%
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
the work.
 -- John G. Pollard
%%
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
%%
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
So put your make-up on heavily today.
%%
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only
about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a
decade.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXIX
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
:EXE: /eks'ee/ or /eek'see/ or /E-X-E/ n. An executable
   binary file.  Some operating systems (notably MS-DOS, VMS, and
   TWENEX) use the extension .EXE to mark such files.  This usage is
   also occasionally found among UNIX programmers even though UNIX
   executables don't have any required suffix.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
%%
Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
%%
Exercise for your health....eat a balanced diet. Control your weight. Don't
 Smoke. Nothing to Excess. All Things in Moderation....and tomorrow you die,
 anyway!
%%
Exercise is bunk.
If you are healthy, you don't need it:
if you are sick, you shouldn't take it.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
:exercise, left as an: [from technical books] Used to complete a
   proof when one doesn't mind a {handwave}, or to avoid one
   entirely.  The complete phrase is: "The proof [or `the rest'] is
   left as an exercise for the reader."  This comment *has*
   occasionally been attached to unsolved research problems by authors
   possessed of either an evil sense of humor or a vast faith in the
   capabilities of their audiences.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Exercise on Wheels" by Cy Kling
%%
Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time -
Shoot the book burners.
%%
Exhausting thought,
And hiving wisdom with each studious year.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 107
%%
Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
   until they drop from exhaustion.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
and just before you realize what's wrong with it.
%%
EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another
upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
EXI     Execute Invalid Operation
%%
Exigencies create the necessary ability to meet and conquer them.
 -- Wendell Phillips
%%
EXILE, n.  One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not
an ambassador.
    An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of
Erin," replied:  "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it."  Years
afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of
unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the
ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

    Aug. 3d, 1842.  Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.  Coldly
    received.  War with the whole world!
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Exiles feed on hope.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Agamemnon, 1668
%%
"Existence is random.  It has no pattern save what we imagine after
staring at it for too long.
 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
%%
EXISTENCE, n.
    A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
    Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
    From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
    Of our bedfellow Death, and cry:  "O fudge!"
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Existentialism has no future.
%%
(exiting a closet)
Cat: He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees Lister,
     hides his face) Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his
     face? Could you spot him in a parade?  I don't think so -- that could
     have been anybody!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Me^2'
%%
Exit, pursued by a bear.
 -- Stage direction in Shakespeare's _The_Winter's_Tale_
%%
EXO     Execute Ignorant Operator
%%
EXOP: Execute Operator
%%
Expansion means complexity and complexity,
decay; or to put it even more plainly-the more complex, the sooner dead.
 -- Parkinson's Third Law
%%
Expansion unit: The new room you have to build on to your
 home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
%%
Expatriate Solipsism:
 When arriving in a foreign travel destination one has hoped
was undiscovered, only to find many people just like oneself; the
peeved refusal to talk to said people because they have ruined one's
elitist travel fantasy.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
%%
Expect better treatment from those around you than you give them.  You deserve
to be disappointed.
%%
Expect everything, and anything seems nothing.
Expect nothing, and anything seems everything.
 -- Samuel Hazo
%%
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope.
 -- Arnold Glasow
%%
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
%%
expedition: highly organized way to spend a great deal of money in a
relatively short period of time. the best are those in which your time and
someone else's money are involved.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Expenditures rise to meet income..
 -- Parkinson's Second Law.
%%
Expense Accounts, n.:
 Corporate food stamps.
%%
Experience - a comb life gives you after you loose your hair.
 -- Judith Stern
%%
Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything.
 -- Russell Baker
%%
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
 -- Poor Richard's Almanac
%%
Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.
 -- Heinrich Heine
%%
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific
bills.
 -- Minna Antrim
%%
Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that shen you get the
experience, you're too damned old to do anything about it.
 -- Jimmy Connors
%%
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of
youth for those of age.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Experience is awareness of encompassing the totality of things.
%%
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
 -- Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab
%%
Experience is not what happens to you.
It is what you do with what happens to you.
 -- Aldous Huxley, in "Reader's Digest", 1956
%%
Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 -- Oliver's Law
%%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you
 recognize a mistake when you make it again.
 -- F. P. Jones
%%
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
%%
Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you're too old
to get the job.
%%
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the
 instruction afterwards.
%%
Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse!
 -- Derwood Fincher
%%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
%%
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
 -- Dan Stanford
%%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
%%
Experience is what you got by not having it when you need it.
%%
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other, and
scarcely in that; for it is true, we may give advice, but we cannot
give conduct. Remember this: They that will not be counseled cannot
be helped. If you do not hear reason she will rap you over the knuckles.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
Experience keeps a dear school, but it's a hell of a campaign tactic.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
EXPERIENCE, n.  The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an
undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

    To one who, journeying through night and fog,
    Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
    Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
    Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
                                                        Joel Frad Bink
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when
the Government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally
alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evilminded rulers. The greatest
dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal,
wellmeaning but without understanding.
 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis, dissenting, Olmstead v. United States, 277
 -- U.S. 479 (1928)
%%
Experience teaches that men are often so much governed by what they
are accustomed to see and practice, that the simplest and most obvious
improvements, in the most ordinary occupations, are adopted with hesitation,
reluctance, and by slow gradations. Men would resist changes, so long
as even a bare support could be ensured by an adherence to ancient
courses, and perhaps even longer.
 -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
 "Experimenting With Drugs" by Ike N. Fly
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Experiments are often tricky- There's no exception to this rule,
What CAN have made that rat a sticky, slimy, rather smelly puddle?
%%
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
 -- Finagle's Fifth Rule
%%
Experiment with new ways to visit the toilet.  Whatever you're doing
now, it's not going to work.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Expert (ecks-purt) from the Greek; `X' meaning unknown, and `spurt',
meaning a drip under pressure.
%%
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields.  But experts
often think so.  The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are
to think so.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Expertise is gained by investigating why a system doesn't work.
%%
Expert, n.:
   Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
%%
Experts do not like surprises. It makes them look bad at the home office.
 -- Vic Gold
%%
Experts in advanced countries underestimate by a factor of 2 to 4 the ability
of people in underdeveloped countries to do anything technical. (Examples:
Japanese on warplanes, Russians on the bomb, Iranians on refineries ... etc.)
 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
Explain is the simplest way in which you can serve eggs. This is no yoke.
 Doesn't it just crack you up? (Got these all out of my system at once!)
%%
Explanation separates us from astonishment, which is the only gateway
to the incomprehensible.
 -- Eugene Ionesco
%%
Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of
 medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good.
%%
Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good
which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
%%
EX POST FACTO - Lost in the mail.
%%
EXPOSTULATION, n.  One of the many methods by which fools prefer to
lose their friends.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
exposure: result of answering the call of nature during a climb.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.
%%
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Express yourself through supreme bovinity.
%%
'exterminate...Exterminate...EXTERMINATE!!!'
 -- The household robot says
%%
:external memory: n. A memo pad or written notes.  "Hold on while
   I write that to external memory".  The analogy is with store or
   DRAM versus nonvolatile disk storage on computers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
External Storage:
Wastebasket.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
EXTINCTION, n.  The raw material out of which theology created the
future state.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
 EXTRA CREDIT:  Define the universe; give three examples.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
"Extra money" is what you have right before your car breaks down.
%%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples of
outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but
they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings that
contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
 -- Implications for Psi Phenomena",
 -- The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%%
Extraordinary how potent cheap music is.
 -- Sir Noel Coward
%%
Extraordinary people use their wisdom to avoid the need for their skill.
%%
Extraordinary rains pretty generally fall after great battles.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Caius Marius
%%
Extra pickles.   A warrior's condiment
 -- Worf
%%
Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.
 -- Franklin P. Adams
%%
Extreme avarice is always mistaken; there is no passion which is
oftener further away from its mark, nor upon which the present has
so much power to the prejudice of the future.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
%%
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
 -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
%%
Extreme good fortune does
 not change people, it only unmasks them.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character.  Avoid it.
%%
Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases.
 -- Hippocrates (460-359 BC)
 -- Aphorism i
%%
Extremes in nature equal ends produce;
In man they join to some mysterious use.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 205
%%
Extremes in Nature equal good produce;
Extremes in man concur to general use.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle iii, Line 161
%%
Extremes meet, as the whiting said with its tail in its mouth
 -- Thomas Hood
%%
Extremes meet.
 -- Louis-Sebastien Mercier
%%
Extremists think "communication" means agreeing with them.
%%
EXX     [A real inst. on the Zilog Z-80, Zilog is owned by EXXon]
%%
Exxon has an 800 Number you can call for information with regard to what
 the company is doing, 1-800-WE SPILL
%%
:eyeball search: n.,v. To look for something in a mass of code or data
   with one's own native optical sensors, as opposed to using some
   sort of pattern matching software like {grep} or any other
   automated search tool.  Also called a {vgrep}; compare
   {vdiff}, {desk check}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
 -- Real Newspaper Headline
%%
Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Deuteronomy xix, 21
%%
Eye have a spelling checker, it came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please to no,
It's letter perfect in it's weigh, my checker tolled me sew!
%%
Eyeing little girls with bad intent, heh.
%%
Eye Nature's walks, shoot folly as it flies,
And catch the manners living as they rise;
Laugh where we must, be candid where we can,
But vindicate the ways of God to man.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 13
%%
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
". . . Eye of Newt, toe of frog . . ."
 -- believed to be the first recipe for an explosive mixture
 -- ...the forerunner of gunpowder
%%
Eyesburg Lettuce.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Eyes of unholy blue.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- By that Lake whose gloomy Shore
%%
Eyes with the same blue witchery as those of Psyche, which caught
love in his own wiles.
%%
Ez fer war, I call it murder,--
  There you hev it plain an' flat;
I don't want to go no furder
  Than my Testyment fer that.
     .     .     .     .     .
An' you 've gut to git up airly
  Ef you want to take in God.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, First Series, No. i
%%
Ez to my princerples, I glory
  In hevin' nothin' o' the sort.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, First Series, No. vii
%%
F-117...the sound of freedom.
%%
F-14 Tomcat: World's largest distributor of MiG parts!
%%
F1 [Panic]  F2 [Passout]  F3 [Smash keyboard]  F4 [Cry]
%%
Faber: Knowledge is good!
%%
Fable is more historical than fact, because fact tells us about one man
and fable tells us about a million men.
 -- G.K. Chesterton
%%
Faboo!, Would you like to see me make
 bubbles with my spit?"
 -- Wakko Warner
%%
Fabricius finds certain spots and clouds in the sun.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part ii, Sect. 2, Memb. 3
%%
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
 -- Galbraith's Law
%%
Face it Bob, you threw up *on* All!
%%
Face it: food is fattening.
%%
FACE
  The mass of skin, teeth and other parts that form the front section
  of the head. Faces can be arranged in any number of combinations,
  for differing reactions, such as horror, nausea, and laughter.
  Facial hair can be allowed to grow, principally by men who:
      - want to look like folk-singers
      - make up for the lack of hair on the rest of their head
      - just can't be bothered shaving.
  The increasingly popular "goatee" beard still looks really silly to
  me, I'm afraid. The remainder of the face is generally made up of
  two eyes, a mouth, and a nose. Someone should tell the people who
  make Lego.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:face time: n. Time spent interacting with somebody face-to-face (as
   opposed to via electronic links).  "Oh, yeah, I spent some face
   time with him at the last Usenix."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fac meam diem. [Do my day.]
 -- Clintus Estvoodicus
%%
Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.
%%
Fact: 99.9+% of homosexuals were raised by heterosexual parents.
%%
FACT: A cat will blink when struck by a hammer.
%%
FACT: A liberal will blink when struck with a hammer.
%%
Facta, non verba. [facts, not words.]
%%
Fact: Fourteen out of every ten people like chocolate.
%%
Fact is solidified opinion.
%%
Fact: Most criminals were raised by heterosexual parents.
%%
Fact need not be multiplied beyond necessity.
%%
Factoid: Something similar to a fact.
%%
Factor analysts rotate their principal components.
%%
Factorials of Avogadro's number become intractable.
And what is this? Can you say ENTROPY?
%%
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
%%
Factorial:  truth vs. reality  (FACT-OR-REAL... get it?)
%%
Fact remains, it's still an artifact. :-<
%%
Facts and truth are often cousins, not brothers.
 -- Edward Bunker
%%
Facts are God's arguments, we should be careful never to misunderstand
or pervert them.
 -- Tyron Edwards
%%
Facts are not truths; they are not conclusions; they are not even
premises.  The
truth depends on, and is only arrived at by a legitimate dedcution from all the
facts which are truly material.
%%
Facts are obstinate things.
 -- Joseph Stalin
%%
Facts are stubborn little bastards, be careful with them.
%%
Facts are stubborn things.
 -- Alain Rene Le Sage (1668-1747)
 -- Gil Blas, Book x, Chap. i
%%
Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our
inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter
the state of facts and evidence
 -- John Adams
%%
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable
 -- L.J. Pete
%%
Facts are stubborn things.
 -- Tobias Smollett (1721-1771)
 -- Translation of Gil Blas, Book x, Chap. 1
%%
Facts are stupid things.
 -- President Ronald Reagan
 -- (a blooper from his speech at the '88 GOP convention)
%%
Facts are stupid until brought into connection with some general law.
 -- Louis Agassiz
%%
Facts are to the mind the same thing as food to the body. On the due digestion
of facts depends the strength and wisdom of the one, just as vigor and health
depend on the other. The wisest in council, the ablest in debate, and the most
agreeable in the commerce of life, is that man who has assimilated to his
understanding the greatest number of facts.
 -- Edmund Burke
%%
FACTS (Def.):  Things Which Tend To MODERATE Opinions.
%%
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
 -- Aldous Huxley
%%
Fact.  Stranger than any science fiction.
%%
Facts we eat.  Garbage we toss.
%%
Facts were never pleasing to him.  He acquired them with
reluctance and got rid of them with relief.  He was never on
terms with them until he had stood them on their heads.
 -- J.M. Barrie
%%
FACTS!    YOU WANT FACTS!?
%%
Fact: There are n+1 zucchinis in the universe.
%%
Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match
the funds available, so these funds are never adequate.
 -- Thomas L. Martin
%%
Fade for advertisement playing the "ominous horns" - drink!
%%
Fad: In one era and out the other.
%%
FA: Failsafe Armed
%%
Fahfegnookie - Fun in the backseat of a Volkswagen!
%%
Fahrflungnoodle: mouthful of spaghetti after a sneeze.
%%
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagen.
%%
Failed as a proof-reader for M & M's
%%
failed: error %d
%%
Failed the bright promise of your early day.
 -- Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
 -- Palestine
%%
Failing to get them to do it your way might mean they're stupid, but it also
 means you failed to get them to do it your way.
 -- Cal Keegan
%%
Fail me again and you'll breakfast on burning coals!
%%
Failure is impossible.
 -- Susan B. Anthony
%%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%%
Failures are divided into two classes--those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
 -- John Charles Salak
%%
Failure teaches success.
%%
Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.
%%
Failure to understand reality is not reality's fault.
 -- Bill Henneman
%%
Faint hearts never win in love nor sell life insurance.
%%
Faintly as tolls the evening chime,
Our voices keep tune and our oars keep time.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- A Canadian Boat-Song
%%
Fain would I, but I dare not; I dare, and yet I may not;
I may, although I care not, for pleasure when I play not.
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- Fain Would I
%%
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
%%
Fair and softly goes far.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. ii
%%
Fair daffadills, we weep to see
  You haste away so soon:
As yet the early rising sun
  Has not attained his noon.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- To Daffadills
%%
Faire de la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps.  Si on vous fait attendre,
c'est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire.
[Good cooking takes time.  If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better,
 and to please you.]
 -- Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans
%%
Fairest of stars, last in the train of night,
If better thou belong not to the dawn.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book v, Line 166
%%
Fair Greece! sad relic of departed worth!
Immortal, though no more! though fallen, great!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 73
%%
Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Fair ladies, you drop manna in the way
Of starved people.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act. v, Sc. 1
%%
Fair laughs the morn, and soft the zephyr blows;
  While proudly riding o'er the azure realm
In gallant trim the gilded vessel goes,
  Youth on the prow, and Pleasure at the helm;
Regardless of the sweeping whirlwind's sway,
That hush'd in grim repose expects his evening prey.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Bard, II, 2, Line 9
%%
 (Fairly boring message:)  This is John.  I can't come to the
 phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll
 return your call.  (Now, re-record the message every morning.
 Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different,
 but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
Fair tresses man's imperial race insnare,
And beauty draws us with a single hair.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto ii, Line 27
%%
Fair weather cometh out of the north.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxvii, 22
%%
Fair words never hurt the tongue.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Eastward Ho, Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Fairy elves,
Whose midnight revels by a forest side
Or fountain some belated peasant sees,
Or dreams he sees, while overhead the moon
Sits arbitress.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 781
%%
FAIRY, n.  A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly
inhabited the meadows and forests.  It was nocturnal in its habits,
and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children.  The
fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a
clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately
as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of
the manor.  The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected
that his account of it was incoherent.  In the year 1807 a troop of
fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a
peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing.  The
son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but
afterward returned.  He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the
fairies.  Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers
that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one
change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great
slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original
shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain
which the villagers had to bury.  He does not say if any of the
wounded recovered.  In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was
made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or
mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%%
Fairy tales:
 horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
%%
Fait accompli...
%%
FAITH: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks,
without knowledge, of things without parallel.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Faith builds a bridge across the gulf of death, To break the shock blind
nature cannot shun, And lands thought smoothly on the further shore.
 -- Young
%%
Faith can be defined as any man's hope that the human spirit is capable
of understanding; that anything actually matters in the larger
universe; and that understanding anything could be important outside
of our own selfish whims and desire to survive. ...and somehow, because
it is important, understanding can go on without us, waiting only
to be rediscovered by the future, or at worst, pissed away, in spite
of all our prayers, and work, and suffering.

Every expression of the human spirit is an act of faith.
 -- Ellyn Mustard ([e-mail])
%%
Faith does not offer the least support for proof of truth.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvii, 6
%%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
%%
Faith has need of the whole truth.
 -- Pierre Teilhard De Chardin
%%
Faith healers do it with whatever they can lay their hands on.
%%
Faith in a holy cause is to a considerable extent a substitute for
lost faith in ourselves.
 -- Eric Hoffer
%%
Faith in immortality, like belief in Satan, leaves unanswered the
ancient question: is God unable to prevent suffering and thus not
omnipotent? or is he able but not willing to prevent it and thus
not merciful? And is he just?
%%
Faith is an island in the setting sun
But proof, yes proof is the bottom line for everyone.
 -- Paul Simon
%%
Faith is believing in things that common sense tells you not to.
 -- G.Seaton
%%
"Faith is good, but skepticism is better"
 -- Giuseppe Verdi
%%
Faith is much better than belief.
Belief is when someone ELSE does the thinking.
 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
Faith is never identical with piety.
 -- Karl Barth
%%
Faith is not genetic.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
Faith is not reason's labor, but repose.
 -- Young
%%
Faith is one of those words that connotes, however irrationally,
some kind of virtue in itself.
 -- Louis J. Halle
%%
Faith is the antiseptic of the soul.
 -- Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass", preface
%%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%%
Faith is the soul going out of itself for all its wants.
 -- Boston
%%
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
 -- Hebrews 9:1
%%
Faith lights us through the dark to Deity.
 -- Davenant
%%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the
occurrence of the improbable.
 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudices", Series iii
%%
Faith means belief in something concerning which doubt is theoretically
possible.
 -- William James
%%
Faith means intense, usually confident, belief that is not based
on evidence sufficient to command assent from every reasonable person.
 -- Walter Kaufmann
%%
Faith:  not wanting to know what is true.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know
to be untrue.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Faith:  Permitting ourselves to be seized by things we don't see.
%%
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Faith will move mountains.
%%
Fajo: "What I've done was evil, selfish, immoral, unprincipled, illegal...well,
  I've learned to live with it."
 -- "The Most Toys", Stardate unknown
%%
Fake it till you make it.
%%
Fakir, n:
     A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
%%
Fallacy of Women's Movement: work means power or self-fulfillment.
%%
Fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen,
Fallen from his high estate,
  And welt'ring in his blood;
Deserted, at his utmost need,
By those his former bounty fed,
On the bare earth expos'd he lies,
With not a friend to close his eyes.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Alexander's Feast, Line 77
%%
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
%%
fall: good time of year for climbing.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Falling asleep at the keyboard is called a head crash.
%%
falling barometer: barometer that has slipped out of a pocket when climbing.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Falling from the roof of a building won't kill you.  Landing will.
%%
Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint.
 -- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.
%%
Falling lenses are attracted to rocks
%%
Falling Off a Cliff: Ilene Toofar
%%
Falling Trees: Tim Burr
%%
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and
fall from the trees.
 -- David Letterman
%%
Fall on me like a silent dew,
  Or like those maiden showers
Which, by the peep of day, do strew
  A baptism o'er the flowers.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- To Music, to becalm his Fever
%%
Fallopian tube - part of a television.
%%
Fallout Shelter
 -- Oxymoron
%%
:fall over: [IBM] vi. Yet another synonym for {crash} or {lose}.
   `Fall over hard' equates to {crash and burn}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.
%%
FALL
  To drop in altitude rapidly. Audible responses to sudden falling
  should be made as follows:
     IN THE FIELD OF      RESPONSE
     -----------------    ----------------------------------------
     Mountain climbing    Oh shit, I'm going to die
     Aeronautics          Oh shit, we're all going to die
     Stockmarket          Oh shit, we're all going to have heavily
                              reduced equity
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
False accusation of rape creates economic rape.
%%
False appearance of fine speech.
%%
False as dicers' oaths.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
False eyelashes
 -- "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"
%%
False is the idea of utility... that would take fire from men because it
burns, and water because one may drown in it; that has no remedy for evils,
except the destruction of liberty.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, 1775
%%
Falsely luxurious, will not man awake?
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Summer, Line 67
%%
False modesty is better than none.
 -- Vilhjalmur Stefansson
%%
Falstaff sweats to death,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Falstaff. What wind blew you hither, Pistol?
Pistol. Not the ill wind which blows no man to good.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment.
%%
FAMED PSYCHIC'S HEAD EXPLODES
%%
Fame-induced Apathy:
 The attitude that no activity is worth pursuing unless one can
become very famous pursuing it. Fame-induced Apathy mimics laziness,
but its roots are much deeper.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Fame is no plant that grows on mortal soil.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 78
%%
Fame is the spur that the clear spirit doth raise
(That last infirmity of noble mind)
To scorn delights, and live laborious days;
But the fair guerdon when we hope to find,
And think to burst out into sudden blaze,
Comes the blind Fury with th' abhorred shears
And slits the thin-spun life.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 70
%%
Fame may be compared to a scold: the best way to silence her is to let her
alone, and she will at last be out of breath in blowing her own trumpet.
 -- Fuller
%%
Fame then was cheap, and the first comer sped;
And they have kept it since by being dead.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Conquest of Granada, Epilogue
%%
Familiarity breeds attempt.
%%
Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Familiarity breeds contempt.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 640
%%
"Familiarity breeds distraction."
"I thought it was 'contempt'."
"That's next"
 -- The Bible Study
%%
Familiarity is the opiate of the imagination.
%%
familiarity * lots = warm-fuzzies;
warm-fuzzies + magic = fall in love.
 -- Stewart Tansley  (Nov 17, 1992)
%%
Familiar things happen, and mankind does not bother about them.  It
requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious.
 -- Alfred North Whitehead, 'Science and the Modern World' 1925
%%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
 -- Su Tung-p'o
%%
Family Food:  We surveyed 100 people who ordered pizza and asked them...
%%
FAMILY HAUNTED BY GHOST OF CHRISTMAS TURKEY
%%
Family is something which goes back to the nucleus of civilization.
And the very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this
country, goes back to the family.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
Family values: My family is good, your family sucks.
%%
Famine is in thy cheeks.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Famous actress bragging about her husband:
Look at him, isn't he beautiful I have kept him for seven years now

Dorothy Parker:
Don't Worry--he'll come back in style
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
FAMOUS, adj.  Conspicuously miserable.

    Done to a turn on the iron, behold
        Him who to be famous aspired.
    Content?  Well, his grill has a plating of gold,
        And his twistings are greatly admired.
                                                       Hassan Brubuddy
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Famous clowns -- Bozo, Clarabell, Ronald McDonald, Homey and Clinton.
%%
Famous Japanese hi-scoring hockey player: Heeshutsee.
%%
Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.
 -- Simeon Strunsky
%%
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
 -- George Santayana
%%
Fanatics have their dreams, wherewith they weave a paradise for a sect."
 -- Keats
%%
Fan Club: A group of people who tell an actor he's not alone in the way he
 feels about himself.
 -- Jack Carson
%%
Fancy gizmos don't work.
 -- SECOND LAW OF GARDENING
%%
:fandango on core: [UNIX/C hackers, from the Mexican dance] n.
   In C, a wild pointer that runs out of bounds, causing a {core
   dump}, or corrupts the `malloc(3)' {arena} in such a way as
   to cause mysterious failures later on, is sometimes said to have
   `done a fandango on core'.  On low-end personal machines without an
   MMU, this can corrupt the OS itself, causing massive lossage.
   Other frenetic dances such as the rhumba, cha-cha, or watusi, may
   be substituted.  See {aliasing bug}, {precedence lossage},
   {smash the stack}, {memory leak}, {memory smash},
   {overrun screw}, {core}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fandom--drugs would be cheaper.
%%
Fandom isn't a matter of life and death--it's much more
important than that.
%%
Fandom is the world's most sophisticated and advanced
system for just hanging around.
%%
Fandom--not your ordinary elite.
%%
Fan makers are the best blowers in the business.
%%
:fan: n.  Without qualification, indicates a fan of science
   fiction, especially one who goes to {con}s and tends to hang out
   with other fans.  Many hackers are fans, so this term has been
   imported from fannish slang; however, unlike much fannish slang it
   is recognized by most non-fannish hackers.  Among SF fans the
   plural is correctly `fen', but this usage is not automatic to
   hackers.  "Laura reads the stuff occasionally but isn't really a
   fan."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fantasies are Reality Turned Sideways!
%%
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
 united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels
 -- Goya
%%
Fantasy: A government that doesn't have it's hand on your wallet.
%%
Fantasy Alert!!   Janet is Daydreaming again!
%%
Fantasy is a crutch for people who can't handle soap operas.
%%
Fantasy isn't our crutch--it's arcane.
%%
Fantasy Roleplayers do it all night.
%%
Fantasy roleplayers do it all weekend.
%%
Fantasy roleplayers do it in a dungeon.
%%
Fantasy roleplayers do it in a group.
%%
:FAQ: /F-A-Q/ or /fak/ [USENET] n. 1. A Frequently Asked Question.
   2. A compendium of accumulated lore, posted periodically to
   high-volume newsgroups in an attempt to forestall such questions.
   Some people prefer the term `FAQ list' or `FAQL' /fa'kl/,
   reserving `FAQ' for sense 1.

   This lexicon itself serves as a good example of a collection of one
   kind of lore, although it is far too big for a regular FAQ
   posting.  Examples: "What is the proper type of NULL?"  and
   "What's that funny name for the `#' character?" are both
   Frequently Asked Questions.  Several FAQs refer readers to
   this file.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:FAQ list: /F-A-Q list/ or /fak list/ [USENET] n. Syn {FAQ},
   sense 2.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:faradize: /far'*-di:z/ [US Geological Survey] v. To start any
   hyper-addictive process or trend, or to continue adding current to
   such a trend.  Telling one user about a new octo-tetris game you
   compiled would be a faradizing act --- in two weeks you might find
   your entire department playing the faradic game.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work
hard at work worth doing.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
Far away, across the fields, the tolling of the iron bell
draws the faithful to their knees, with its softly spoken magic spell
 -- Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon
%%
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not
reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,
and follow where they lead.
 -- Louisa May Alcott
%%
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
 -- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%%
Far be it from us, the danger of thinking.
 -- Ferdinand VII
%%
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though
 checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither
 enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows
 not victory or defeat.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
Far beyond all other pleasures, rarer than jewels or treasures,
   sweeter than grape from the vine.
 Yes! Yes! Greatest of pleasures!
 Coffee, coffee, how I love its flavor,
   and if you would win my favor,
   yes! yes! let me have coffee, let me have my coffee strong!
 -- Johan Sebastian Bach, Coffee Cantata
%%
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
%%
Fare thee well! and if forever,
  Still forever fare thee well.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Fare thee well
%%
Farewell! a long farewell, to all my greatness!
This is the state of man: to-day he puts forth
The tender leaves of hopes; to-morrow blossoms,
And bears his blushing honours thick upon him;
The third day comes a frost, a killing frost,
And when he thinks, good easy man, full surely
His greatness is a-ripening, nips his root,
And then he falls, as I do. I have ventured,
Like little wanton boys that swim on bladders,
This many summers in a sea of glory,
But far beyond my depth: my high-blown pride
At length broke under me and now has left me,
Weary and old with service, to the mercy
Of a rude stream, that must forever hide me.
Vain pomp and glory of this world, I hate ye:
I feel my heart new opened. O, how wretched
Is that poor man that hangs on princes' favours!
There is betwixt that smile we would aspire to,
That sweet aspect of princes, and their ruin,
More pangs and fears than wars or women have:
And when he falls, he falls like Lucifer,
Never to hope again.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Farewell a long farewell, to all my greatness! This is the state
of man. Today he puts forth The tender leaves of hope; tomorrow blossoms,
And bears his blushing honors thick upon him; The third day comes
a frost, a killing frost.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Farewell! a word that must be, and hath been,--
A sound which makes us linger; yet--farewell!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 186
%%
Farewell, farewell to thee, Araby's daughter!
Thus warbled a Peri beneath the dark sea.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Fire-Worshippers
%%
Farewell!
For in that word, that fatal word,--howe'er
We promise, hope, believe,--there breathes despair.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Corsair, Canto i, Stanza 15
%%
Farewell happy fields,
Where joy forever dwells: hail, horrors!
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 249
%%
Farewell! if ever fondest prayer
  For other's weal avail'd on high,
Mine will not all be lost in air,
  But waft thy name beyond the sky.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Farewell! if ever fondest Prayer
%%
Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet lxxxvii
%%
Farfignewton: A long way 'til the next cookie.
%%
Farfignewton: Cookie Flatulence
%%
Farfignewton: n., from German, "ergonomic cookie".
%%
Farfignewton.. the cookie of the stars..
%%
Farfignewton = the cookies are out of reach.
%%
Far from all resort of mirth
Save the cricket on the hearth.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 81
%%
Farfromflopin (n): German for "bra".
%%
Far from gay cities and the ways of men.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiv, Line 410
%%
FARFROMKRAPPIN...German for Constipated !
%%
Far from mortal cares retreating,
  Sordid hopes and vain desires,
Here, our willing footsteps meeting,
  Every heart to heaven aspires.
 -- Jane Taylor (1783-1824)
 -- Hymn
%%
Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife
  Their sober wishes never learn'd to stray;
Along the cool sequester'd vale of life
  They kept the noiseless tenor of their way.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 19
%%
Farfromthinkin: Clinton with his mouth open.
%%
:farkled: /far'kld/ [DeVry Institute of Technology, Atlanta] adj.
   Syn. {hosed}.  Poss. owes something to Yiddish `farblondjet'
   and/or the `Farkle Family' skits on Saturday Nite Live.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Farmer: n. A man who is outstanding in his field.
%%
FARMERS do it all over the countryside
%%
Farmers do it in the dirt.
%%
Farmers do it on a corn field.
%%
Farmers grow magnets in magnetic fields ...
%%
FARMERS plant it deep.
%%
Farmers spread it around.
%%
Farmer who cannot keep his hands off his wife ------> better fire them
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Farmhands Feel Better.
%%
:farming: [Adelaide University, Australia] n. What the heads of a
   disk drive are said to do when they plow little furrows in the
   magnetic media.  Associated with a {crash}.  Typically used as
   follows: "Oh no, the machine has just crashed; I hope the hard
   drive hasn't gone {farming} again."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Far off his coming shone.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book vi, Line 768
%%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
 -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Farrancassidy (n.)
 A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.
%%
FARTBOROUGH, LORD (1783-1827)
  English statesman. He lived all his life at Fartborough Hall, in
  Essex. Fartborough is best remembered for his resounding posterior
  evacuations, from which the most obvious word is coined. Their
  resonation with the brickwork of Fartborough Hall eventually caused
  its collapse, burying Lord Fartborough at last with his revolting
  odour.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
%%
Far too often today, it appears, the Great American Dream is interrupted by
 the Japanese alarm clock.
%%
F.A.R.T.S.:  Fast Acting Relief of Tummy Stress.
%%
Fascinate: There were nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only
 fascinate.
 -- Homer Haynes
%%
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
 -- Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
%%
Fascinating, Captain!
 -- Spock.
%%
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
 -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
%%
Fascinating, said Spock, watching Kirk's lousy acting.
%%
Fascinating.    Spock figures out the Energizer Bunny.
%%
:fascist: adj. 1. Said of a computer system with excessive or
   annoying security barriers, usage limits, or access policies.  The
   implication is that said policies are preventing hackers from
   getting interesting work done.  The variant `fascistic' seems to
   have been preferred at MIT, poss. by analogy with `touristic'
   (see {tourist}).  2. In the design of languages and other
   software tools, `the fascist alternative' is the most restrictive
   and structured way of capturing a particular function; the
   implication is that this may be desirable in order to simplify the
   implementation or provide tighter error checking.  Compare
   {bondage-and-discipline language}, although that term is global
   rather than local.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages
I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
 -- Useful phrases to know when traveling in moslem areas
%%
Fashion a dream and make it come true.
%%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
 every six months.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
%%
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
 -- Quentin Crisp
%%
Fashion, n.  A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Fashions are induced epidemics.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Fast-anchor'd isle.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Line 151
%%
FAST, and not WORRYing over which roadKILL I could have used for FOOD.
%%
Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
 -- Rule for a lot of things
%%
Fasten him as a nail in a sure place.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xxii, 23
%%
Fasten your seat belt.
%%
Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!
%%
Faster, Cheaper, More Efficient - Modems or Wives
%%
Faster, faster, foolish modem! (crack).
%%
Faster, faster, till the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
 -- H.S. Thompson
%%
Faster than a speeding bullet; more powerful than a locomotive;
 able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!   Look, up in the sky!
 It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's ........ SUPERMAN!
%%
Faster than a speeding bullet.   More powerful than a locomotive.  Able to leap
 tall buildings in a single bound.

'Look!   Up in the sky!'
'It's a bird!'
'It's a plane!'
'No, it's Superman!'

Yes, it's Superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth
 with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men.

 Superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers; bend steel in his bare
 hands; and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great
 metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and
 The American Way!
%%
Faster than a speeding puck, stronger than the other goalie, it's ROY!
%%
Faster than a speeding Spermatozoon!!
%%
Faster than a speeding ticket!
%%
Fastest Gun In The West: Everett DeReady
%%
Fast-food restuaraunt: Economy gastronomy.
%%
Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.
 -- The four food groups
%%
Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwave.
 -- The four good groups
%%
FastLst US Support/Distribution/Registration Site
%%
Fast personal decisions are likely to be wrong.
%%
Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
%%
Fatal Database Error #10070: Programmer late for work!
%%
Fatal Database Error #10070: <Sysop< late for work
%%
Fatal Error 999: Dyslexic computer possessed by devil.
%%
Fatal error at 2dh^^Abort, Retry, Ignore, Curse me out?
%%
:$FATAL ERROR BTB IN GARBAGE COLLECTOR$
%%
:$FATAL ERROR -- ERROR IN COMPILED CODE$
%%
:$FATAL ERROR -- ILLEGAL ERROR$
%%
:$FATAL ERROR ILLEGAL UUO$
%%
Fatal Error in C:\CLINTON.LIE. Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA
%%
Fatal error in LIFE.SYS: Deleting SYSOP
%%
Fatal Error in MOUSE.SYS: (U)se keyboard (B)ury (G)ive to cat
%%
FATAL ERROR:  Size of thought exceeds available memory.
%%
Fatal error stealing tagline! Call Technique Computers
%%
Fatal error: SysOp out of environment space.
%%
Fatal Error: User Executed
%%
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Please Replace and Bury Operator.
%%
:$FATAL ERROR VECTOR OUT OF HILBERT SPACE$
%%
:$FATAL ERROR YOU ARE OUT OF VECTOR SPACE$
%%
FATAL LOGIC ERROR - Engage Brain and (R)etry
%%
Fatal mouse error. (B)ury or (R)eplace?
%%
FATAL! Portable code found
 -- C Error #009
%%
Fatal stupidity with firearms is Darwinism at work.
%%
Fatal System Error: (A)bort (R)etry (G)et OS/2
%%
Fatal System Error - please insert a quarter to fix it.
%%
Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round.
%%
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.
%%
Fat, drunk, and stupid is the only way to go through life.
%%
Fate is a river; free will is a paddle.
%%
Fate is just the weight of circumstances...
%%
:fat electrons: n. Old-time hacker David Cargill's theory on the
   causation of computer glitches.  Your typical electric utility
   draws its line current out of the big generators with a pair of
   coil taps located near the top of the dynamo.  When the normal tap
   brushes get dirty, they take them off line to clean them up, and use
   special auxiliary taps on the *bottom* of the coil.  Now,
   this is a problem, because when they do that they get not ordinary
   or `thin' electrons, but the fat'n'sloppy electrons that are
   heavier and so settle to the bottom of the generator.  These flow
   down ordinary wires just fine, but when they have to turn a sharp
   corner (as in an integrated-circuit via), they're apt to get stuck.
   This is what causes computer glitches.  [Fascinating.  Obviously,
   fat electrons must gain mass by {bogon} absorption --- ESR]
   Compare {bogon}, {magic smoke}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fate - Protects fools, little children and ships named "Enterprise."
 -- Riker "Contagion," stardate 42609.1.
%%
Fate sits on these dark battlements and frowns,
And as the portal opens to receive me,
A voice in hollow murmurs through the courts
Tells of a nameless deed.
 -- Ann Radcliffe (1764-1823)
%%
Fate steals along with silent tread, Found oftenest in what least
we dread; Frowns in the storm with angry brow, But in the sunshine
strikes the blow.
 -- Cowper
%%
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.
%%
Fat free:  no extra charge for the fat.
%%
Fat heads, lean brains.
%%
FATHER:    Did you kill all those guards?
LAUNCELOT: Yes ...  I'm very sorry ...
FATHER:    They cost fifty pounds each!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Father, forgive me... I've been caught using Windows...
%%
Fatherhood is natures way of providing every teenager with a banker.
%%
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
FATHER:       Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and
              get him.
FIRST GUARD:  Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.
FATHER:       No.  Until I come and get him.
SECOND GUARD: Hic.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
"Father, Mother, and Me,
Sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
And every one else is They."
 -- Rudyard Kipling, "We and They"
%%
Father of all! in every age,
  In every clime adored,
By saint, by savage, and by sage,
  Jehovah, Jove, or Lord.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Universal Prayer, Stanza 1
%%
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours ...
PRINCE: What - the curtains?
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Fathers alone a father's heart can know What secret tides of still
enjoyment flow When brothers love, but if their hate succeeds, They
wage the war, but 'tis the father bleeds.
 -- Edward Young
%%
Fathers and teachers, I ponder: what is Hell?
I maintain that it is the suffering of being no longer able to love.
%%
FATHERS ARE IMPORTANT PARENTS, TOO!
%%
Fathers are NOT visitors -- visitation is for prisoners.
%%
Father says I would learn a great deal from someone as old as you.
 -- Lal to Guinan, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
"Father's Day is like Mother's Day, except the gift is cheaper."
 -- Gerald F. Lieberman
%%
Father was coming up the stairs with five gallons of elderberry wine, and
 he slipped and fell clear down into the basement. Fortunately, he didn't
 spill a drop--he kept his mouth closed.
 -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
%%
FATHER: We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the
        joyful bond of the holy wedlock.  Unfortunately, one of them, my son
        Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
   [Murmurs from CROWD;  the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.]
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
FATHER:    Who are you?
PRINCE:    I'm ... your son ...
FATHER:    Not you.
LAUNCELOT: I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
FATHER:    You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT: Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER:    I can understand that.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
FATHER:    You only killed the bride's father - that's all -
LAUNCELOT: Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...
FATHER:    Didn't mean to?  You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT: Gosh - Is he all right?
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Fat Lady In The Sideshow: Ellie Funt
%%
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
%%
FAT
  Research has now shown that Fat is actually an alien life-form
  that travels the galaxy, looking for other beings to attach itself
  to. Fat beings first arrived on Earth in the late 1960s, attracted
  by signals sent into space by the Graceland Observatory in the US.
  Fat beings are now found in most areas of the world, but mostly
  attached to Maggie Tabberrer. There are theories that the
  dispersion of Fat beings from one's body may be achieved by
  performing diet and exercise rituals, but this is pure speculation.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Fats Domino: the round of music
%%
Fats Loves Madelyn
%%
FAT TABLE CORRUPT.  Please lose weight.
%%
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
%%
Faultily faultless, icily regular, splendidly null.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Maud, Part i, Sect. ii
%%
:faulty: adj. Non-functional; buggy.  Same denotation as
   {bletcherous}, {losing}, q.v., but the connotation is much
   milder.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
%%
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxxi, 30
%%
Fax and ye shall receive.
%%
Fax me no questions, I'll Fax you no lies!
%%
Fax printouts: The faxed version will be a piece of paper, and animations,
sounds and similar features will not move or be audible on the piece
of paper.
 -- Sony Electronics
 -- From the Sony PIC-1000 User's Guide, page 19
%%
FAX us money and we'll FAX you the disk.
%%
FAY: Fetch Amulet of Yendor
%%
FB: Find Bugs
%%
FBI: Federal Baby Incinerators.
%%
FBI: Free Beer Inside.
%%
FCE: Fill Core with Epoxy
%%
FC: Fry Console
%%
FCJ: Feed Cards and Jam
%%
fd%d: drive not ready
%%
FDDI users do it with counter rotating rings
%%
FD: Failsafe Disarmed
%%
FD: Forget Data
%%
FDISK in not an computer-orientated swear word.
%%
:fd leak: /F-D leek/ n. A kind of programming bug analogous to a
   {core leak}, in which a program fails to close file descriptors
   (`fd's) after file operations are completed, and thus eventually
   runs out of them.  See {leak}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FDR: Feed Disk Randomly
%%
FDR: Fill Disk Randomly
%%
Fear always springs from ignorance.
%%
:fear and loathing: [from Hunter S. Thompson] n. A state inspired by the
   prospect of dealing with certain real-world systems and standards
   that are totally {brain-damaged} but ubiquitous --- Intel 8086s,
   or {COBOL}, or {{EBCDIC}}, or any {IBM} machine except the
   Rios (a.k.a. the RS/6000).  "Ack!  They want PCs to be able to
   talk to the AI machine.  Fear and loathing time!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance, let's say you're
an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned
into Dracula.  The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!,
you just slam the door behind him and blast off.  He might call you
on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again,
bat man."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Fear death?--to feel the fog in my throat,
The mist in my face.
     .     .     .     .     .     .     .
No! let me taste the whole of it, fare like my peers,
The heroes of old;
Bear the brunt, in a minute pay glad life's arrears
Of pain, darkness, and cold.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Prospice
%%
Feare may force a man to cast beyond the moone.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. iv
%%
FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.
%%
Fearful concatenation of circumstances.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Argument on the Murder of Captain White, April 6, 1830, Vol. vi, p. 88
%%
Fear God. Honour the king.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Peter ii, 17
%%
Fear is not in the habit of speaking truth.  When perfect sincerity is
expected, perfect freedom must be allowed;  nor has anyone who is apt
to be angry when he hears the truth, any cause to wonder that he
does not hear it.
 -- Tacitus
%%
Fear is only another form of awareness
 -- Charlie Manson
%%
Fear is sharp-sighted, and can see things under ground, and much more
in the skies.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. vi
%%
Fear is the darkroom where negatives develop.
%%
Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart.
 -- Steven Stills
%%
Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of
cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom, in the pursuit of
truth as in the endeavour after a worthy manner of life.
 -- Bertrand Russell, "An Outline of Intellectual Rubbish"
%%
Fear is the parent of cruelty.
 -- James Anthony Froude (1818-1894)
%%
Fear is the tax that the conscience pays to guilt.
 -- Sewell
%%
Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more;
hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.
 -- Swedish proverb
%%
Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd -- smiling...
%%
Fear no art.
%%
Fear not, but trust in Providence,
  Wherever thou may'st be.
 -- Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839)
 -- The Pilot
%%
Fear not death; for the sooner we die, the longer we shall be immortal.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Fear not, for I have given you authority to do so.
%%
Fear not, I'm right behind you - using you as a shield.
%%
"FEAR OF AIDS CUTS DOWN ON VAMPIRE ATTACKS!"
 -- National Enquirer
%%
Fear of God before their eyes.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans ii, 18
%%
Fear to do ill, and you need fear nought else.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
FEAST, n.  A festival.  A religious celebration usually signalized by
gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person
distinguished for abstemiousness.  In the Roman Catholic Church
feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly
immovable until they are full.  In their earliest development these
entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by
the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians,
as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is
believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters.
Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was
held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Feather by feather the goose is plucked.
%%
:feature creature: [poss. fr. slang `creature feature' for a
   horror movie] n. 1. One who loves to add features to designs or
   programs, perhaps at the expense of coherence, concision, or
   {taste}.  2. Alternately, a mythical being that induces
   otherwise rational programmers to perpetrate such crocks.  See also
   {feeping creaturism}, {creeping featurism}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:featurectomy: /fee`ch*r-ek't*-mee/ n. The act of removing a
   feature from a program.  Featurectomies come in two flavors, the
   `righteous' and the `reluctant'.  Righteous featurectomies are
   performed because the remover believes the program would be more
   elegant without the feature, or there is already an equivalent and
   better way to achieve the same end.  (Doing so is not quite the
   same thing as removing a {misfeature}.)  Reluctant
   featurectomies are performed to satisfy some external constraint
   such as code size or execution speed.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:feature key: n. The Macintosh key with the cloverleaf graphic on
   its keytop; sometimes referred to as `flower', `pretzel',
   `clover', `propeller', `beanie' (an apparent reference to the
   major feature of a propeller beanie), {splat}, or the `command
   key'.  The Mac's equivalent of an {alt} key (and so labeled on
   on some Mac II keyboards).  The proliferation of terms for this
   creature may illustrate one subtle peril of iconic interfaces.

   Many people have been mystified by the cloverleaf-like symbol that
   appears on the feature key.  Its oldest name is `cross of St.
   Hannes', but it occurs in pre-Christian Viking art as a decorative
   motif.  Throughout Scandinavia today the road agencies use it to
   mark sites of historical interest.  Apple picked up the symbol from
   an early Mac developer who happened to be Swedish.  Apple
   documentation gives the translation "interesting feature"!

   There is some dispute as to the proper (Swedish) name of this
   symbol.  It technically stands for the word `sev"ardhet'
   (interesting feature) many of these are old churches. Some Swedes
   report as an idiom for it the word `kyrka', cognate to English
   `church' and Scots-dialect `kirk' but pronounced /shir'k*/ in
   modern Swedish.  Others say this is nonsense.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FEATURE n. A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that
case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong
response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's a feature!" A bug can be changed
to a feature by documenting it.
%%
:feature shock: [from Alvin Toffler's book title "Future
   Shock"] n. A user's (or programmer's!) confusion when confronted
   with a package that has too many features and poor introductory
   material.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Features should be discovered, not documented!
%%
Feces Occurs.
%%
Federal Employment Principle: Confusion creates jobs.
%%
FEDERAL EXPRESS COURIERS will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
%%
Federal funding cuts!  Pentagon reduced to Square!!
%%
Federal Law Prohibits the removal of this tag.
%%
federation - having given a ration of food to someone.
%%
Federation ship Enterprise, surrender and prepare to be boarded.
That will be the day.
 -- Klingon and Picard, "Yesterday's Enterprise", stardate 43625.2
%%
Feed Jane Fonda to the whales.
%%
Feed the homeless to the hungry.
 -- Solution to two of the world's problems
%%
Feed your faith and starve your doubts to death.
%%
Feed Your Need To Read.
%%
Feed yourself and feed others. Then, if you have to say good
 -- bye,
it won't matter. You will have shared love.
 -- Jeanne Moreau
%%
Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an englishman.
 -- From "Jack and the beanstalk"
%%
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
%%
Feel folded, spindled or mutilated, call...
%%
Feel free to publish this TagLine. It's Stolen.
%%
Feeling bad hurts your health.
%%
Feeling compressed ARJ you?
%%
Feeling lucky????  Update your software!
%%
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Feelings are real and legitimate; children behave and misbehave for
a reason, even if adults cannot figure it out.
%%
Feelings: Cara Lott
%%
Feeling SHRUNK down? Imploded? Then "ReARJ /a /d /tARJ *"
%%
Feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers' Society
  at Cambridge. I misheard the instructions and pushed an entire
  aubergine into my earhole...
 -- George : Corporal Punishment
%%
:feeper: /fee'pr/ n. The device in a terminal or workstation (usually
   a loudspeaker of some kind) that makes the {feep} sound.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:feep: /feep/ 1. n. The soft electronic `bell' sound of a
   display terminal (except for a VT-52); a beep (in fact, the
   microcomputer world seems to prefer {beep}).  2. vi. To cause
   the display to make a feep sound.  ASR-33s (the original TTYs) do
   not feep; they have mechanical bells that ring.  Alternate forms:
   {beep}, `bleep', or just about anything suitably
   onomatopoeic.  (Jeff MacNelly, in his comic strip "Shoe", uses
   the word `eep' for sounds made by computer terminals and video
   games; this is perhaps the closest written approximation yet.)  The
   term `breedle' was sometimes heard at SAIL, where the terminal
   bleepers are not particularly soft (they sound more like the
   musical equivalent of a raspberry or Bronx cheer; for a close
   approximation, imagine the sound of a Star Trek communicator's beep
   lasting for five seconds).  The `feeper' on a VT-52 has been
   compared to the sound of a '52 Chevy stripping its gears.  See also
   {ding}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:feeping creature: [from {feeping creaturism}] n. An unnecessary
   feature; a bit of {chrome} that, in the speaker's judgment, is
   the camel's nose for a whole horde of new features.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:feeping creaturism: /fee'ping kree`ch*r-izm/ n. A deliberate
   spoonerism for {creeping featurism}, meant to imply that the
   system or program in question has become a misshapen creature of
   hacks.  This term isn't really well defined, but it sounds so neat
   that most hackers have said or heard it.  It is probably reinforced
   by an image of terminals prowling about in the dark making their
   customary noises.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:feetch feetch: /feech feech/ interj. If someone tells you about
   some new improvement to a program, you might respond: "Feetch,
   feetch!"  The meaning of this depends critically on vocal
   inflection.  With enthusiasm, it means something like "Boy, that's
   great!  What a great hack!"  Grudgingly or with obvious doubt, it
   means "I don't know; it sounds like just one more unnecessary and
   complicated thing".  With a tone of resignation, it means, "Well,
   I'd rather keep it simple, but I suppose it has to be done".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
 -- Useful phrases to know when traveling in moslem areas
%%
Felicity:  A town inhabited by happy cats...
%%
Feline Flambe'
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Feline:  Opposite of "he" lion...
%%
Feline Sapiens
%%
Felines... nothing more than felines...
%%
Felinious Assault: Striking someone with a cat.
%%
"Felis catus" is your taxonomic nomenclature:
an endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations ---
a singular development of cat communications
that obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
for a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance,
and when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
it often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
O, Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "Schisms", Stardate 46
%%
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.
%%
Felix Plater notes of some young physicians, that study to cure diseases,
catch them themselves, will be sick, and appropriate all symptoms
they find related of others to their own persons.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 3, Memb. 1, Subsect. 2
%%
FELL OFF OF THE CLIFF by Eileen Dover
%%
Fellowship of Christian Athletes.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Fellows who have no tongues are often all eyes and ears.
 -- Haliburton
%%
Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
%%
FELON, n.  A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in
embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Female: One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Female prison population is only 6% of total inmates
%%
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
%%
Female Republicans still want "Tricky Dick"!!!
%%
Female sex change operation: An Adadicktome.
%%
Females have PMS, I have SRH, Sperm Retention Headaches
%%
Feminine Protection? A chartreuse flamethrower?
%%
FEMINISM.COM Corrupted: A)bort W)hine S)creech
%%
Feminism has become gender politics' One-Party System!
%%
FEMINISM IS FOR THE BIRDS AND ANY REAL WOMEN KNOWS THAT. WOMEN ARE
BORN SUBMISSIVES AND LONG TO BE TREATED AS SUCH. MAN IS THE TRUE
DOMINATE SEX AND WILL ALWAYS BE SUPERIOR TO THE FEMALE. A WOMAN SHOULD
BE KEPT BOUND AND GAGGED UNTIL SHE HAS REACHED A POINT IN HER TRAINING
THAT SHE KNOWS HER PLACE AND WILL BE TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE TO HER MASTER
(THE MALE).
%%
Feminism: It's because of men that sh*t happens.
%%
Feminism was created so ugly women could mix with others.
%%
Feminist bookstores have no humor section.
%%
Feminists, 1980-90: My Body NO Choice; if increases my freedom to kill.
%%
Feminists give women a bad name.
%%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
 -- Earl Wilson
%%
Feminist Update:  Rush Limbaugh still hasn't had any!
%%
Feminizm.exe not found:  Q)uit R)etry A)bortion
%%
Feminizm is an a ugly dog licking her tail
%%
Feminizm is pusillanimous prevarication and pious procrastination.
%%
Feminizm is the mother of dementia.
%%
Feminizm is the mother of dissension.
%%
Feminizm lowers your testerone.
%%
Feminizm means never having to say anything coherent!
%%
Feminizm -- see fascism.
%%
Feminizm -- the stop sign on the superinformation highway.
%%
Feminizm uber alles!
%%
Feminizm -- winning through whining.
%%
Feminizt doing a Niker commercial -- just PROVE it!
%%
Feminizt logic -- the original oxymoron.
%%
Feminizt motto:  We're trying 2B trying!
%%
Feminizts: A great untapped natural resource for doormats.
%%
Feminizts are proof that God has a sense of humor.
%%
Feminizts are whine connoisseurs.
%%
Feminizts don't want to get equal, they want to get even.
%%
Feminizts have turned the Love Boat into the Titanic.
%%
Feminizts make a case for the need for RETROACTIVE birth control.
%%
Feminizt's minds are closed for repairs.
%%
Feminizts --  perveyors of lies, distortions and falsehoods and etceteras
%%
Feminizts see with only one eye, the left.
%%
Feminizt tagline:  Tag, now you die.
%%
:fence: n. 1. A sequence of one or more distinguished
   ({out-of-band}) characters (or other data items), used to
   delimit a piece of data intended to be treated as a unit (the
   computer-science literature calls this a `sentinel').  The NUL
   (ASCII 0000000) character that terminates strings in C is a fence.
   Hex FF is also (though slightly less frequently) used this way.
   See {zigamorph}.  2. An extra data value inserted in an array or
   other data structure in order to allow some normal test on the
   array's contents also to function as a termination test.  For
   example, a highly optimized routine for finding a value in an array
   might artificially place a copy of the value to be searched for
   after the last slot of the array, thus allowing the main search
   loop to search for the value without having to check at each pass
   whether the end of the array had been reached.  3. [among users of
   optimizing compilers] Any technique, usually exploiting knowledge
   about the compiler, that blocks certain optimizations.  Used when
   explicit mechanisms are not available or are overkill.  Typically a
   hack: "I call a dummy procedure there to force a flush of the
   optimizer's register-coloring info" can be expressed by the
   shorter "That's a fence procedure".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:fencepost error: n. 1. A problem with the discrete equivalent of a
   boundary condition, often exhibited in programs by iterative
   loops.  From the following problem: "If you build a fence 100 feet
   long with posts 10 feet apart, how many posts do you need?"
   (Either 9 or 11 is a better answer than the obvious 10.)  For
   example, suppose you have a long list or array of items, and want
   to process items m through n; how many items are there?  The
   obvious answer is n - m, but that is off by one; the right
   answer is n - m + 1.  A program that used the `obvious'
   formula would have a fencepost error in it.  See also {zeroth}
   and {off-by-one error}, and note that not all off-by-one errors
   are fencepost errors.  The game of Musical Chairs involves a
   catastrophic off-by-one error where N people try to sit in
   N - 1 chairs, but it's not a fencepost error.  Fencepost
   errors come from counting things rather than the spaces between
   them, or vice versa, or by neglecting to consider whether one
   should count one or both ends of a row.  2. [rare] An error
   induced by unexpected regularities in input values, which can (for
   instance) completely thwart a theoretically efficient binary tree or
   hash table implementation.  (The error here involves the difference
   between expected and worst case behaviors of an algorithm.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fencers do it in a full lunge.
%%
Fencers do it with a thrust.
%%
Fencers do it with three feet of sword.
%%
Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
%%
:fepped out: /fept owt/ adj. The Symbolics 3600 LISP Machine has a
   Front-End Processor called a `FEP' (compare sense 2 of {box}).
   When the main processor gets {wedged}, the FEP takes control of
   the keyboard and screen.  Such a machine is said to have
   `fepped out' or `dropped into the fep'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FERA: Forms Eject and Run Away
%%
Ferdinand Mendez Pinto was but a type of thee, thou liar of the first
magnitude.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- Love for Love, Act ii, Sc. 5
%%
Ferenghi: pn.* A college freshman after his first beer.
%%
Ferengies! Well there goes the neighborhood.
%%
Ferengi Famous Last Words: "Here's your refund."
%%
Fer. Here 's my hand.
Mir. And mine, with my heart in 't.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Ferret = chaos with fur, claws and an odd smell.
%%
Ferret: cross between a dachshund and a cat.
%%
Ferret: curiousity at warp speed.
%%
Ferrets Aaaaarrrrgooooooooooooo!
%%
Ferrets are like mom's, always nosing about your room!
%%
Ferrets: Chaos theory given fur, claws, and a slight odor...
%%
Ferrets:  Curious about everything and move like quicksilver.
%%
Ferrets: nature's survival experts.
%%
Ferret: Tigger without stripes...
%%
Ferret toys: anything not nailed down.  And some that are.
%%
Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekker, wurks grate.
%%
Fer Sail chep: Memry rasdnt Spel Checer. Werks Grate
%%
Fer sell cheep:  IBM spel chekker.  Wurks grate.
%%
Fer sell cheep:  taglyne spel chekker.  Wurks grate.
%%
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%%
Fester:  Actor in Gunsmoke...
%%
Fester:  Quicker...
%%
Fetch hither the comfy chair!
%%
Fetch the holy handgrenade ...
%%
Fetishism, transvestism, and nasty foreign behavior: many people get a kick
 out of doing all sorts of apparently unpleasant things. Some like dressing
 up as the opposite sex--for example, Joan of Arc and Commander Joan of the
 Ark Royal; others enjoy sexual acts with bits of string, fish, dead birds,
 bottles, hedgehogs, etc., etc. Never laugh at people like this. They may be
 on to something.
 -- Eric Idle
%%
Fetuses do it in-vitro.
%%
Few children fear water unless soap's added
%%
Few ever lived to a great age, and fewer still ever became distinguished,
who were not in the habit of early rising.
 -- Todd
%%
Few executive women volunteer to financially support a househusband!
%%
Few, few shall part where many meet!
The snow shall be their winding-sheet,
And every turf beneath their feet
Shall be a soldier's sepulchre.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Hohenlinden
%%
Few great men could get past the Personnel Department.
%%
Few love to hear the sins they love to act.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Few men have been admired by their own domestics.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap ii, Of Repentance
%%
Few men have the natural strength to honour a friend's success without
envy.... I well know that mirror of friendship, shadow of a shade.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Agamemnon, 832
%%
Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.
 -- George Washington, First U.S. President
%%
Few men make themselves masters of the things they write or speak.
 -- John Selden (1584-1654)
 -- Learning
%%
Few of us can stand prosperity -- someone else's.
%%
Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling
out an income tax form.
%%
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
 -- Charles Brower
%%
Few people do business well who do nothing else.
 -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
Few people ever fully recover from sanding wooden floors.
%%
Few people now believe in the devil; but very many enjoy behaving
as their ancestors behaved when the Fiend was a reality as unquestionable
as his Opposite Number.
%%
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Few persons have sufficient wisdom to prefer censure which is useful
to them, to praise which deceives them.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them.
 -- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
Few sons attain the praise
Of their great sires, and most their sires disgrace.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book ii, Line 315
%%
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Few things are less enjoyable than being old enough to know better.
%%
Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood sugar.
%%
Few things are more dangerous than an Astara with low blood sugar.
%%
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to
 inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
Few things there are which damage the image of grown-up Americans more than
an adult book store.
%%
Few things work up an appetite like good, wholesome, sadomasochistic sex.
%%
Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.
%%
Few women will change if men are too weak to ask.
%%
Few young men of high gifts and fine tastes look forward to entering
public life, for the probability of disappointments and vexations
of a life in Congress so far outweigh its attractions that nothing
but exceptional ambition or a strong sense of public duty suffices
to draw such men into it. Law, education, literature, the higher
walks of commerce, finance, or railway work offer a better prospect
of enjoyment or distinction.
 -- Lord James Bryce
%%
FF bottles of beer on the wall.
%%
  FFF  - Fascist Fuckwits Federation
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
FFF: Form Feed Forever
%%
fflush and then wwash your hands.
%%
Fh|$ fagL|ne made fGfm GScYcLed ac|| chaGacfSG$
%%
Fiat: Failure in Automotive Technology
%%
Fiat: Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
%%
Fiat: Fix It Again Tony?
%%
Fiat: Fix It All the Time
%%
Fiat: F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
%%
Fiat: Fuck in a Taxi.
%%
Fiat: Fucking Italians Ain't Trustworthy
%%
FIB, n.  A lie that has not cut its teeth.  An habitual liar's nearest
approach to truth:  the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
    When David said:  "All men are liars," Dave,
        Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief.
        Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief
    By proof that even himself was not a slave
    To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave
        Had been of all her servitors the chief
        Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf
    Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave.
    No, David served not Naked Truth when he
        Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race;
            Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:
    For reason shows that it could never be,
        And the facts contradict him to his face.
            Men are not liars all, for some are dead.
                                                        Bartle Quinker
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Fibula:  Small lie...
%%
FICKLENESS, n.  The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities.  Truth isn't.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Fiction is the truth inside the lie.
 -- Stephen King
%%
Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography.
%%
Fiction lags after truth, invention is unfruitful, and imagination
cold and barren.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Speech on the Conciliation of America, Vol. ii, p. 116
%%
Fiddle: Friction of a horse's tail on a cat's entrails.
%%
FIDDLE, n.  An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a
horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

    To Rome said Nero:  "If to smoke you turn
    I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn."
    To Nero Rome replied:  "Pray do your worst,
    'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first."
                                                            Orm Pludge
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
FIDELITY, n.  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
FIDO: all the social dynamics of kindergarten.
%%
Fidonet Flamers have uncontrolled vowel movements...
%%
:FidoNet: n. A worldwide hobbyist network of personal computers
   which exchanges mail, discussion groups, and files.  Founded in 1984
   and originally consisting only of IBM PCs and compatibles, FidoNet
   now includes such diverse machines as Apple ][s, Ataris, Amigas,
   and UNIX systems.  Though it is much younger than {USENET},
   FidoNet is already (in early 1991) a significant fraction of
   USENET's size at some 8000 systems.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fido - the dog of the networks..
%%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
 libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
%%
Fie! he said, surveying the carnage about him. Someone must have left
the bathroom light on again; don't they know the landlord gets UPSET?!
He sighed and went into the kitchen for a garbage bag. Y'know, he mused
as he put the dismembered limbs into the bag, if this apartment weren't in
such a good location, I'd move out. He sighed again and shook his head.
This is the third time that this has happened THIS MONTH! He made a
mental note to place another want ad for roommates in the paper.
%%
Fieldes have eies and woods have eares.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. v
%%
Field experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #36
%%
FIELD: noun, a forest without the trees.
%%
:field servoid: [play on `android'] /fee'ld ser'voyd/ n.
   Representative of a field service organization (see {field
   circus}).  This has many of the implications of {droid}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Field's revelation: If you see a man holding a clipboard and looking official,
the chances are good that he is supposed to be doing something menial.
%%
Field Tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment
%%
FIELD TESTED ............... Manufacturing doesn't have a test system
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
Field Test: Putting your software out to pasture.
%%
Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Fie on possession,
But if a man be vertuous withal.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Frankeleines Prologue, Line 10998
%%
Fierce fiery warriors fought upon the clouds,
In ranks and squadrons and right form of war,
Which drizzled blood upon the Capitol.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Fierce warres and faithful loves shall moralize my song.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Introduction, St. 1
%%
Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between
the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship.

Water! it shrieked as it read the spectral report. A barrier of water
vapor! A civilized race could not have found such a trick in the Library!
A civilized race could not have stooped so low!  A civilized race would not
have...

It screamed as the Gubru ship hit a cloud of drifting snowflakes.

 -- Startide Rising, by David Brin
%%
Fie! What a spendthrift he is of his tongue!
 -- William Shakespeare
%%

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
 -- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
%%
Fifty flippant frogs
Walked by on flippered feet
And with their slime they made the time
Unnaturally fleet.
%%
Fifty states and I had to go and pick confusion.
%%
"Fifty Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makit & Betty Wont
%%
Fify bucks, same as downtown!
%%
Fight against violence!
%%
FIGHT APAth
 -- Seen on a park fence
%%
Fight at Long John Silver's, two fish battered!!!
%%
FIGHT CRIME * SHOOT BACK!
%%
Fighters do it with long sharp instruments.
%%
Fight for the right to pretend to work.
%%
Fighting for peace is like screaming for quiet.
%%
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
 -- George Carlin
%%
Fighting like catsmas and dogmas.
%%
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /
%%
   FIGHTING WORDS

Say my love is easy had,
   Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
   Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
   Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
   Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
   And I get me another man!
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
:Fight-o-net: [FidoNet] n. Deliberate distortion of {FidoNet},
   often applied after a flurry of {flamage} in a particular
   {echo}, especially the SYSOP echo or Fidonews (see {'Snooze}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fight on for ol' SC!
%%
Fight or flight.
%%
Fight pollution, sail a Laser!
%%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
%%
Fight the good fight.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Timothy vi, 12
%%
Fight the Greenhouse Effect:  PLANT TREES!!!
%%
Fight the inflation: steal!
%%
Fight the population-explotion: shoot a stork.
%%
Fight War Not Wars!
%%
Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/sec.
 -- J. Hart
%%
Figures figure and women lie.
%%
Figures Lie, and Liars Figure.
%%
Figures lie and women figure.....
%%
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure, and I figure that as long as they
 figure to lie, it's hard to find the facts.
%%
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
 -- Charles H. Grosvenor
%%
:File Attach: [FidoNet] 1. n. A file sent along with a mail message
   from one BBS to another.  2. vt. Sending someone a file by using
   the File Attach option in a BBS mailer.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
File cannot be copied onto itself.
%%
File COLDBEER.CAN not found - Operator not loaded!
%%
File missing, Try this one....
%%
File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters.
 -- Peter Collinson, The Unix File System
%%
File Not Found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ake It?
%%
File not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
%%
File Not Found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (K)ill innocent bystanders
%%
File Not Found. Backup Not Found. Sure you don't want a drink?
%%
File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...
%%
File not found. Delete *.* and change directory? (Y/N)_
%%
File not found. Did you look in the closet?
%%
File Not Found. Guess You F***ed Up Big-Time, Eh Ace????
%%
File not found. Have you looked in the dogbox? Y/N
%%
File not found. I'll load something *I* think is cool!
%%
File not found. I'll make something up.
%%
File not found, "LIFE.DRV", life halted.
%%
File Not Found. Loading something that looks similar.
%%
File not found. Load something more interesting? (Y/n)
%%
File not found. Look behind refrigerator? (Y/n)
%%
File not found. Nobody leave the room!
%%
File not found. Now you're in the DEEP doodoo!
%%
File not found. Remember, you just erased it.
%%
File not found. Should I fake it? [Y/n].........
%%
File not found. S)tay in jail, R)eturn cake, B)ang cup.
%%
File not found. Strike any USER to continue...
%%
File not found. Take a break ? (Y/N)
%%
File Not Found, Wanna play Solitaire?
 -- WindowError: 044
%%
File ORG.ASM not found, girlfriend not happy!
%%
:File Request: [FidoNet] 1. n. The {FidoNet} equivalent of
   {FTP}, in which one BBS system automatically dials another and
   {snarf}s one or more files.  Often abbreviated `FReq'; files
   are often announced as being "available for FReq" in the same way
   that files are announced as being "available for/by anonymous
   FTP" on the Internet.  2. vt. The act of getting a copy of a file
   by using the File Request option of the BBS mailer.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FILES=30, BUFFERS=10, STACKS=BLOWN, BREAK=GIMMEA
%%
FILES=30, BUFFERS=20, FCBS=SAYWHAT, BREAK=GIMME[A]
%%
FILES=30, BUFFERS=40, Ball on the 20, 1st and 10.
%%
:file signature: n. A {magic number}, sense 3.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Files not found:  Delete user instead? (Y/y)?
%%
Filet Mignon: An opera by Puccini.
%%
File to fit, hammer to suit, paint to hide.
%%
File - What you do to your nails when the computer is doing
all of the work
%%
File your RCT T1 by 30 April
%%
Filing is concerned with the past;
anything you actually need to see again
has to do with the future.
 -- Katharine Whitehorn
%%
:filk: /filk/ [from SF fandom, where a typo for `folk' was
   adopted as a new word] n.,v. A popular or folk song with lyrics
   revised or completely new lyrics, intended for humorous effect when
   read, and/or to be sung late at night at SF conventions.  There is a
   flourishing subgenre of these called `computer filks', written by
   hackers and often containing rather sophisticated technical humor.
   See {double bucky} for an example.  Compare {grilf},
   {hing} and {newsfroup}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Filk is 8-bit folk music with the parody bit set!
%%
Fill all the glasses there, for why
Should every creature drink but I?
Why, man of morals, tell me why?
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- From Anacreon, ii, Drinking
%%
Fill all thy bones with aches.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Fill'd the air with barbarous dissonance.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 550
%%
Fill'd with fury, rapt, inspired.
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- The Passions, Line 10
%%
Fillet O'FRED.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Filling up my hard drive, with taglines!
%%
Fills
The air around with beauty.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 49
%%
:film at 11: [MIT: in parody of TV newscasters] 1. Used in
   conversation to announce ordinary events, with a sarcastic
   implication that these events are earth-shattering.  "{{ITS}}
   crashes; film at 11."  "Bug found in scheduler; film at 11."
   2. Also widely used outside MIT to indicate that additional
   information will be available at some future time, *without*
   the implication of anything particularly ordinary about the
   referenced event.  For example, "The mail file server died this
   morning; we found garbage all over the root directory.  Film at
   11." would indicate that a major failure had occurred but that the
   people working on it have no additional information about it as
   yet; use of the phrase in this way suggests gently that the problem
   is liable to be fixed more quickly if the people doing the fixing
   can spend time doing the fixing rather than responding to
   questions, the answers to which will appear on the normal "11:00
   news", if people will just be patient.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Filmed in Shadorama!    Keep Circulating the Tapes!
%%
Film music should have the same relationship to the film drama that
 somebody's piano playing in my living room has to the book I'm reading.
 -- Igor Stravinsky
%%
:filter: [orig. {{UNIX}}, now also in {{MS-DOS}}] n. A program that
   processes an input data stream into an output data stream in some
   well-defined way, and does no I/O to anywhere else except possibly
   on error conditions; one designed to be used as a stage in a
   `pipeline' (see {plumbing}).  Compare {sponge}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Filth & profanity tolerated here!
%%
Fimbriation is a borderline case
%%
:Finagle's Law: n. The generalized or `folk' version of
   {Murphy's Law}, fully named "Finagle's Law of Dynamic
   Negatives" and usually rendered "Anything that can go wrong,
   will".  One variant favored among hackers is "The perversity of
   the Universe tends towards a maximum" (but see also {Hanlon's
   Razor}).  The label `Finagle's Law' was popularized by SF author
   Larry Niven in several stories depicting a frontier culture of
   asteroid miners; this `Belter' culture professed a religion
   and/or running joke involving the worship of the dread god Finagle
   and his mad prophet Murphy.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Final exam in philosophy:
"Prove that the chair on the desk does not exist".
Student turned in "What chair?" and got an A.
%%
Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There
are lumps in it.
 -- James Stephens
%%
Finally, a liberal opposition!
%%
Finally, a post that's not about the 3DO or Jag!
%%
Finally both Oars in the Water - Floating
%%
Finally he released the young man, and waded back to dry land. Then
Socrates questioned the man. `What did you most want just now?'
The young man replied, `Air.' `When you want knowledge as much as
you just wanted air, you shall have it.'
%%
Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.
 -- Peter Sellers
%%
Finally, yet another book on the Holocaust. This one with cutouts.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
 faculty dining room.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Final Message from the Titanic: Fatal crash due to icebug.
%%
final pitch: act of throwing down a rope without securing one of the ends.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Final Ruin fiercely drives
Her ploughshare o'er creation.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night ix, Line 167
%%
Final Version.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
FINAL WARNING -- SYSTEM GOING DOWN IMMEDIATELY
%%
Finance majors do it with interest.
%%
FINANCE, n.  The art or science of managing revenues and resources for
the best advantage of the manager.  The pronunciation of this word
with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of
America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Find a matching pair of shells that feel comfortable.  This is
harder than it seems, especially if the shells are still occupied.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Find a need and fool it!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Find an impersonator who CAN'T do Jack Nicholson.
%%
Find an impersonator who CAN'T do Kirk Douglas.
%%
Find an impersonator who CAN'T do Robin Leech.
%%
Find an impersonator who CAN'T do Ronald Reagan.
%%
Find another profession to be young in.
 -- Joe Queenan
%%
Find expression for a sorrow and it will become dear to you.
Find expression for a joy, and you will intensify its ecstasy.
%%
Find God?!? Why? Is he missing?
%%
Find happiness in your work, or you may never find it anywhere else.
%%
Finding a good man is like trying to staple Jello to a tree.
%%
Finding bad reasons for what one believes for other bad reasons - that's
philosophy.
 -- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
%%
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and
bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage.  But if we
don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly
serious problems that face us -- and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up
for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along.
 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%%
Find Jesus? I didn't know he was LOST!
%%
Find out the cause of this effect,
Or rather say, the cause of this defect,
For this effect defective comes by cause.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Find out the cost before you get in.
%%
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
%%
Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
%%
Find the fallacy:
  All UNIX systems programmers have beards.
  God has a beard.
  Therefore, God is a UNIX systems programmer.
%%
Find time still to be learning somewhat good, and give up being desultory.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ii, 7
%%
Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition!
 -- Arnold Glasow
%%
Fine Art Diplomas, please take one.
 -- Seen on a toilet paper dispensor
%%
Fine by defect, and delicately weak.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle ii, Line 43
%%
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
%%
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
%%
Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care.
%%
Fine, Fine...Have your Klingon servent get some chairs!
%%
Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt.
%%
FINE
  Term used by weathermen when they don't really know what it's going
  to be like. Of course, if the rest of us made as many mistakes in
  our jobs as weathermen do in theirs, the entire world would be a
  disaster area. "Well guv, I expect if we use this plastic pretend
  bolt to hold up this building, the structure will be FINE with
  possible later collapse on Thursday."
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated
with true virtue.
 -- Confucius
%%
:fine: [WPI] adj. Good, but not good enough to be {cuspy}.  The word
   `fine' is used elsewhere, of course, but without the implicit
   comparison to the higher level implied by {cuspy}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fingerplay: Jacob Sladder
%%
:finger-pointing syndrome: n. All-too-frequent result of bugs, esp.
   in new or experimental configurations.  The hardware vendor points
   a finger at the software.  The software vendor points a finger
   at the hardware.  All the poor users get is the finger.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Finger Sandwiches.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Fingers were made before forks, and hands before knives.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
:finger: [WAITS, via BSD UNIX] 1. n. A program that displays
   information about a particular user or all users logged on the
   system, or a remote system.  Typically shows full name, last login
   time, idle time, terminal line, and terminal location (where
   applicable).  May also display a {plan file} left by the user
   (see also {Hacking X for Y}).  2. vt. To apply finger to a
   username.  3. vt. By extension, to check a human's current state by
   any means.  "Foodp?"  "T!"  "OK, finger Lisa and see if she's
   idle."  4. Any picture (composed of ASCII characters) depicting
   `the finger'.  Originally a humorous component of one's plan file
   to deter the curious fingerer (sense 2), it has entered the arsenal
   of some {flamer}s.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Finicalness on the part of mendicants is interdicted.
[ beggers can't be choosers. ]
%%
Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.
 Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon
as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
"Finish him. Finish him    -- your way!"
"Oh, good. My way. Thank you, Viccinni . . . which way's my way?"
"Pick up one of those rocks. Get behind the boulder. In a few minutes, the
man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in
view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!"
"My way is not very sportsman-like . . ."
 -- Viccinni and Fezzik, played by Andre the Giant (RIP) "The Princess Bride"
%%
Finish the project.  We'll buy you a new family.
%%
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:

      Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ...

Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:

    P.O. Box 35
   Baffled Greek, Michigan
%%
Finish your backup, and later on we can have Ice Cream!
%%
Finish your mail packet!  Children are offline in India.
%%
Finish your vegetables! There are children in Beverly Hills with eating
 disorders.
 -- John Callahan
%%
:finn: [IRC] v. To pull rank on somebody based on the amount of
   time one has spent on {IRC}.  The term derives from the fact
   that IRC was originally written in Finland in 1987.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fire alarm that doesn't ring when you sleep.
 -- Polish invention
%%
Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself.
They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone under
independence...  From the hour the Pilgrims landed, to the
present day, events, occurrences, and tendencies prove that to
ensure peace, security, and happiness, the rifle and pistol are
equally indispensable....  The very atmosphere of firearms every-
where restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor
with all that's good.
 -- George Washington (bogus?)
%%
Fire at will! Ooops, sorry Will!
%%
Fire at Will  >ZAP<  THANK you Data...I mean, 'Number One'
%%
Fire a warning shot across her nose..
%%
FIRE!! BANG!! OOUUUCH!!!!! Whoops!  Is anyone down range.
%%
:firebottle: n. A large, primitive, power-hungry active electrical
   device, similar in function to a FET but constructed out of glass,
   metal, and vacuum.  Characterized by high cost, low density, low
   reliability, high-temperature operation, and high power
   dissipation.  Sometimes mistakenly called a `tube' in the U.S.
   or a `valve' in England; another hackish term is {glassfet}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
%%
Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
%%
        ...'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do not
matter.  'I' do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality
and remembers words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his
fellows esteem him.  He looks upon the great transformations of the
world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon
reality for the first time.  Their names come to his lips and he smiles
as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming.
 -- Siddartha, _Lord_of_Light_ by Roger Zelazny
%%
Fired that the house rejects him, "'Sdeath! I 'll print it,
And shame the fools."
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 61
%%
Fire extinguisher toggled <ON<
%%
Firefighters are always in heat.
%%
Fire Fighters have bigger hoses.
%%
:firefighting: n. 1. What sysadmins have to do to correct sudden
   operational problems.  An opposite of hacking.  "Been hacking your
   new newsreader?"  "No, a power glitch hosed the network and I spent
   the whole afternoon fighting fires."  2. The act of throwing lots
   of manpower and late nights at a project, esp. to get it out
   before deadline.  See also {gang bang}, {Mongolian Hordes
   technique}; however, the term `firefighting' connotes that the
   effort is going into chasing bugs rather than adding features.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FIRE FIRE FIRE... No, that's not right... RAPE RAPE RAPE
%%
:firehose syndrome: n. In mainstream folklore it is observed that
   trying to drink from a firehose can be a good way to rip your lips
   off.  On computer networks, the absence or failure of flow control
   mechanisms can lead to situations in which the sending system
   sprays a massive flood of packets at an unfortunate receiving
   system, more than it can handle.  Compare {overrun}, {buffer
   overflow}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fire in each eye, and papers in each hand,
They rave, recite, and madden round the land.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 5
%%
Fire In The Hole
%%
Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men.
 -- Seneca (8 BC)
 -- De Providentia, 5, 9
%%
Firemen are always in heat.
%%
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
%%
Firemen do it with a big hose.
%%
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet.
%%
Firemen like things HOT!
%%
Fire, Mr. Worf! <Worf picks up extinguisher<
%%
Fire protection:  that's asbestos it gets...
%%
FIRE
  Red and/or yellow hot thing. Don't touch.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Fireside happiness, to hours of ease
Blest with that charm, the certainty to please.
 -- Samuel Rogers (1763-1855)
 -- Human Life
%%
Fires the proud tops of the eastern pines.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Fire that's closest kept burns most of all.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
:firewall code: n. 1. The code you put in a system (say, a
   telephone switch) to make sure that the users can't do any
   damage. Since users always want to be able to do everything but
   never want to suffer for any mistakes, the construction of a
   firewall is a question not only of defensive coding but also of
   interface presentation, so that users don't even get curious about
   those corners of a system where they can burn themselves.
   2. Any sanity check inserted to catch a {can't happen} error.
   Wise programmers often change code to fix a bug twice: once to fix
   the bug, and once to insert a firewall which would have arrested
   the bug before it did quite as much damage.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:firewall machine: n. A dedicated gateway machine with special
   security precautions on it, used to service outside network
   connections and dial-in lines.  The idea is to protect a cluster of
   more loosely administered machines hidden behind it from
   {cracker}s.  The typical firewall is an inexpensive micro-based
   UNIX box kept clean of critical data, with a bunch of modems and
   public network ports on it but just one carefully watched
   connection back to the rest of the cluster.  The special
   precautions may include threat monitoring, callback, and even a
   complete {iron box} keyable to particular incoming IDs or
   activity patterns.  Syn. {flytrap}, {Venus flytrap}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fire, water and government know nothing of mercy.
 -- Albanian Proverb
%%
:fireworks mode: n. The mode a machine is sometimes said to be in when
   it is performing a {crash and burn} operation.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Firing up the Blast-O-Matic Obnoxious Airbag Deflator.
%%
Firmness in politics is called obstinacy anywhere else.
%%
Firmness in politics is called obstinacy in a donkey.
%%
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional
to tightness of schedule.
 -- Robin's Law of Delivery
%%
Firmware: hardware that's starting to melt.
%%
:firmy: /fer'mee/ Syn. {stiffy} (a 3.5-inch floppy disk).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If
you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
 -- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
%%
First, assume a can opener...
%%
First, assume a spherical cow of uniform density...
%%
First as to speech.  That privilege rests upon the premise that
there is no proposition so uniformly acknowledged that it may not be
lawfully challenged, questioned, and debated.  It need not rest upon
the further premise that there are no propositions that are not
open to doubt; it is enough, even if there are, that in the end it is
worse to suppress dissent than to run the risk of heresy.  Hence it
has been again and again unconditionally proclaimed that there are
no limits to the privilege so far as words seek to affect only the hearers'
beliefs and not their conduct.  The trouble is that conduct is almost
always based upon some belief, and that to change the hearer's belief
will generally to some extent change his conduct, and may even evoke
conduct that the law forbids.
 -- [cf. Learned Hand, The Spirit of Liberty,
 -- University of Chicago Press, 1952, The Art and Craft of Judging:
 -- The Decisions of Judge Learned Hand,
 -- edited and annotated by Hershel Shanks, The MacMillian Company, 1968.]
%%
First Barney, then Michael... who's next?
%%
First commit the Golden Rule to memory, then work at it and commit the rule
 to life itself.
%%
First C Program, huh?
 -- C Error #011
%%
First do what is necessary, Then do what is possible And soon you are doing the
impossible.
%%
First get an absolute conquest over thyself, and then thou wilt easily
govern thy wife.
 -- Fuller
%%
FIRST GUARD: Ah!  Now ... we're not allowed to ...
   SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through,  grabs his spear and stabs the other
   guard who collapses in a heap.  Hiccoughs quietly.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
FIRST HEAD: All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and
            biscuits.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
FIRST HEAD:  Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.
THIRD HEAD:  Oh, cut your own head off.
SECOND HEAD: Yes - do us all a favour.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
First:
If you're going to be funny, you have to have truth rooted in your effort.
Later:
When I said women shouldn't have the right to vote, I was just being funny.
 -- Rush Limbaugh
%%
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
 So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
First impressions are of major importance in business matters.
 -- J. Pierpont Finch
%%
First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust...
%%
First in, first out.
 -- Second Law of Hacking
%%
First in the fight and every graceful deed.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book iv, Line 295
%%
First it was Hillary, then it was Jennifer, now it is US!!!
%%
First it was "tax the rich", now it is "bait and switch!"
%%
First learn computer science and all the theory.  Next develop a programming
style.  Then forget all that and just hack.
 -- George Carrette [1990]
%%
First listen to sermon, THEN eat missionary.
%%
First must give place to last, because last must have his time to come;
but last gives place to nothing, for there is not another to succeed.
 -- Bunyan
%%
First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
   desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in
   an organic prep.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
First passenger (waiting at a bus stop) ask another passenger "how long is
 the next bus". The reply is : "About 40 feet!"
%%
First Play. We have reformed that indifferently with us, sir.
Ham. O, reform it altogether.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
First prepare the soup of your choice and pour it into a bowl. Then, take
 the bowl and quickly turn it upside down on the cookie tray. Lift the bowl
 ever so gently so that the soup retains the shape of the bowl. Gently is
 the key word here. Then, with the knife cut the soup down the middle into
 halves, then quarters, and gently reassemble the soup into a cube. Some of
 the soup will run off onto the cookie tray. Lift this soup up by the
 corners and fold slowly into a cylindrical soup staff. Square off the cube
 by stuffing the cracks with this cylindrical soup staff. Place the packet
 in your purse or inside coat pocket, and pack off to work.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
First-rate people hire first-rate people.  Second-rate
people hire third-rate people.
%%
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Concerning such as read and dispute ostentatiously,
 -- Discourses, Book iii, Chap. xxiii
%%
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
 -- Greek saying
%%
First Shakespeare sonnets seem meaningless; first Bach fugues a
 bore; first differential equations sheer torture.  But in due
 course, contact with an obscurely beautiful poem, an elaborate
 piece of counterpoint, or of mathematical reasoning, causes us
 to feel direct intuitions of beauty and significance.
%%
First Shalt thou pull out the Holy Pin.
%%
FIRST SOLDIER:  So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.
SECOND SOLDIER: Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?
FIRST SOLDIER:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
 -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
%%
First the Boy part...
%%
First the good news--you're going to have a disease named after you.
 -- M.D. to patient
%%
First, then, a woman will or won't, depend on 't;
If she will do 't, she will; and there 's an end on 't.
But if she won't, since safe and sound your trust is,
Fear is affront, and jealousy injustice.
 -- Aaron Hill (1685-1750)
 -- Zara, Epilogue
%%
First there were low calorie drinks put on the market, and now, dry beer.
 The next step is selling you and empty container that simply credits your
 account with having tried to drink something.
%%
First they came for the drug users, and I said nothing because I wasn't
a drug user.  Then they came for the atheists, and I said nothing because I
wasn't an atheist.  Then they came for the hackers...
%%
First, they tax incomes; now they're taxing my patience.
%%
First they went after the Communists,
and I did not stand up, because I was not a Communist.
Then they went after the homosexuals and infirm,
and I did not stand up, because I was neither.
Then they went after the Jews,
and I did not stand up, because I was not a Jew.
Then they went after the Catholics,
and I did not stand up, because I was Protestant.
Finally, they went after me,
and there was no one left to stand up for me.
 -- Pastor Martin Neimoller
%%
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
 -- Doctor Who, MEGLOS
%%
First things first, second things never.
%%
First Vietnam, then Somalia. What's next?  Bosnia?
%%
FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a witch.  May we burn her?
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
First, we'll kill all the programmers...
%%
"First, we were making the effort there so that people would have their own
 right to decide their own future, and could select their own form of
 government ... Now we're saying we're going to fight there so that we don't
 have to fight in Thailand, so we don't have to fight on the West Coast of the
 United States, so that they won't move across the Rockies.
 -- Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968), November 26, 1967
%%
First we will be best, and then we will be first.
 -- Grant Tinker
%%
First wipe your nose and check your flies.
 -- Alec Guinness
%%
First you forget names, then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.
 -- Leo Rosenberg
%%
First you go out and buy a stick--it's called a baton--about this long.
 Then you get some music, you get musicians together, you give them this
 music, you stand in front of them with the stick in your right hand, you go
 like this, and a mysterious thing happens: the musicians begin to play.
 Now, once the musicians are playing there are only two things you must
 remember, but they are very important: you must not disturb the musicians
 while they are playing, and second, when the musicians have stopped
 playing, you must stop conducting.
 -- Sigmund Romberg
%%
First you harmonize, then you customize.
 -- Wilson Pickett
%%
    First, you must know what the thing is, and then after
learn the use of the same.
 -- Robert Recorde
%%
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes
 you.
 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%%
First you take a leak.
%%
:fish: [Adelaide University, Australia] n. 1. Another {metasyntactic
   variable}.  See {foo}.  Derived originally from the Monty Python
   skit in the middle of "The Meaning of Life" entitled
   "Find the Fish".  2. A pun for `microfiche'.  A microfiche
   file cabinet may be referred to as a `fish tank'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fish and Tempura vegetables being BATTERED!
%%
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
 -- Poor Richard
%%
Fish and women are only good for three days !!!
%%
Fish are said to have good eyesight, but many breeds are hard of herring. (
 Apologies on this one, all around, of course!)
%%
Fish are so hard to toilet train.
%%
Fisherman's hell: Beer......Bait.....take one.
%%
Fishermen always have long rods.
%%
Fishermen and Film Majors have reel lives.
%%
Fishermen are proud of their rods.
%%
Fishermen do it for reel.
%%
Fishermen do it with their rods.
%%
FISHERMEN have long rods.
%%
Fishes that tipple in the deep,
  Know no such liberty.
 -- Richard Lovelace (1618-1658)
 -- To Althea from Prison, ii
%%
Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.
 -- Cat in Red Dwarf 'White Hole'
%%
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads
%%
Fishing:  A man's way of hiding a drinking problem...
%%
Fishing is a delusion surrounded by liars in old clothes.
%%
Fishing is great, if you're using hand grenades!
%%
Fishing rod: a hook at one end, a fool at the other.
%%
Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole?
* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap
Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
 -- The Springfield Shopper Headlines,
 -- "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"
%%
Fish not, with this melancholy bait,
For this fool gudgeon, this opinion.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Fish punsters are always ready to SPOUT off.
%%
:FISH queue: [acronym, by analogy with FIFO (First In, First Out)]
   n. `First In, Still Here'.  A joking way of pointing out that
   processing of a particular sequence of events or requests has
   stopped dead.  Also `FISH mode' and `FISHnet'; the latter
   may be applied to any network that is running really slowly or
   exhibiting extreme flakiness.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fish Story: Rod Enreel
%%
Fistfights: Donny Brooke
%%
Fit into the smallest space available...
 -- Cat Game #6
%%
:FITNR: // [Thinking Machines, Inc.] Fixed In the Next Release.
   A written-only notation attached to bug reports.  Often wishful
   thinking.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fitzgerald: The rich are different from us.
Hemingway: Yes, they have more money.
 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
 -- Robert Firth
%%
Five is right out.
%%

Five milliseconds after beginning to chew a mouthful of food,
the waiter will arrive and ask if it tastes OK.  He will be unable to
interpret hasty nods of the head, thumbs-up gestures, or words from your
spouse, and will wait, staring at you like a stunned ox, until you have
chewed, swallowed, and allayed his fears yourself: "yes."

We tipped him anyway.
 -- A new corollary to Murphy's law
 -- (experimentally verified this past weekend
 -- at the Olive Garden restaurant in Spokane, Washington)
%%
Five-Minute University teaches you in five minutes what the average college
 student remembers five years after he or she's out of school ...

 Say, if you want to take Spanish, what I teach you is "Como esta usted."
 That means "How are you." And the response is "Muy bien." That means "Very
 well." And believe me, if you took two years of college Spanish, five years
 after you're out of school, "Como esta usted" and "Muy bien" is about all
 you're gonna remember.

 So in my school that's all you learn ... Economics? "Supply and demand."
 That's it ...
 -- Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello)
%%
Five out of four people have problems with fractions.
%%
Five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective
memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that I can
never examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of
them all.  How much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?
 -- C. S. Lewis
%%
FIVE
  The fifth number, except for computer people, who always seem to
  count from zero. The number five was first conquered in the sixth
  century BC by Pythagorus, who was taking time off on his theorem to
  enter a counting competition. He came first, breaking the world
  counting record of the time, and subsequently appeared in the
  Ginthorus Book Of Records.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
%%
Five years from now, will they have a Soviet Reunion?
%%
Fix'd like a plant on his peculiar spot,
To draw nutrition, propagate, and rot.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 63
%%
Fixed Word Length:
Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Fixing Computer Programs: Dee Bugger
%%
:FIXME: imp. A standard tag often put in C comments near a piece of
   code that needs work.  The point of doing so is that a `grep'
   or a similar pattern-matching tool can find all such places quickly.

     FIXME: note this is common in {GNU} code.

   Compare {XXX}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:fix: n.,v. What one does when a problem has been reported too many
   times to be ignored.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fjord [n] - A make of Norwegian automobile.
%%
Fla Come on vacation, return on probation
%%
FLA FLA FLOWLY
%%
:flag day: n. A software change that is neither forward- nor
   backward-compatible, and which is costly to make and costly to
   reverse.  "Can we install that without causing a flag day for all
   users?"  This term has nothing to do with the use of the word
   {flag} to mean a variable that has two values.  It came into use
   when a massive change was made to the {{Multics}} timesharing
   system to convert from the old ASCII code to the new one; this was
   scheduled for Flag Day (a U.S. holiday), June 14, 1966.  See also
   {backward combatability}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FLAG, n.  A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and
ships.  It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one
sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:flag: n. A variable or quantity that can take on one of two
   values; a bit, particularly one that is used to indicate one of two
   outcomes or is used to control which of two things is to be done.
   "This flag controls whether to clear the screen before printing
   the message."  "The program status word contains several flag
   bits."  Used of humans analogously to {bit}.  See also
   {hidden flag}, {mode bit}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flag of the free heart's hope and home!
  By angel hands to valour given!
Thy stars have lit the welkin dome,
  And all thy hues were born in heaven.
Forever float that standard sheet!
  Where breathes the foe but falls before us,
With Freedom's soil beneath our feet,
  And Freedom's banner streaming o'er us?
 -- Joseph Rodman Drake (1795-1820)
 -- The American Flag
%%
Flagpole sitters do it in the air.
%%
Flair is what marks the difference between artistry and mere competence.
 -- Riker,  "Time Squraed,"  stardate 42679.2.
%%
flake: weird, erratic climber.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Flaky.
%%
:flaky: adj. (var sp. `flakey') Subject to frequent {lossage}.
   This use is of course related to the common slang use of the word
   to describe a person as eccentric, crazy, or just unreliable.  A
   system that is flaky is working, sort of --- enough that you are
   tempted to try to use it --- but fails frequently enough that the
   odds in favor of finishing what you start are low.  Commonwealth
   hackish prefers {dodgy} or {wonky}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flamage and Commercialism > /dev/null
%%
:flamage: /flay'm*j/ n. Flaming verbiage, esp. high-noise,
   low-signal postings to {USENET} or other electronic {fora}.
   Often in the phrase `the usual flamage'.  `Flaming' is the act
   itself; `flamage' the content; a `flame' is a single flaming
   message.  See {flame}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flame all you want.  We'll post more.
%%
:flame bait: n. A posting intended to trigger a {flame war}, or one
   that invites flames in reply.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:flame on: vi.,interj.  1. To begin to {flame}.  The punning
   reference to Marvel Comics's Human Torch is no longer widely
   recognized.  2. To continue to flame.  See {rave}, {burble}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:flamer: n. One who habitually {flame}s.  Said esp. of obnoxious
   {USENET} personalities.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
%%
Flames to [e-mail]
%%
Flame Test:  Trial by fire.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Flamethrower not included...
%%
Flamethrowers are an 'outside' toy
%%
:flame war: n. (var. `flamewar') An acrimonious dispute,
   especially when conducted on a public electronic forum such as
   {USENET}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flaming delayed is flaming denied...
%%
Flaming Heterosexual
%%
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
%%
Flannister:  The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack together.
%%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%%
:flap: vt. 1. To unload a DECtape (so it goes flap, flap,
   flap...).  Old-time hackers at MIT tell of the days when the
   disk was device 0 and {microtape}s were 1, 2,... and
   attempting to flap device 0 would instead start a motor banging
   inside a cabinet near the disk.  2. By extension, to unload any
   magnetic tape.  See also {macrotape}.  Modern cartridge tapes no
   longer actually flap, but the usage has remained.  (The term could
   well be re-applied to DEC's TK50 cartridge tape drive, a
   spectacularly misengineered contraption which makes a loud flapping
   sound, almost like an old reel-type lawnmower, in one of its many
   tape-eating failure modes.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:flarp: /flarp/ [Rutgers University] n. Yet another {metasyntactic
   variable} (see {foo}).  Among those who use it, it is associated
   with a legend that any program not containing the word `flarp'
   somewhere will not work.  The legend is discreetly silent on the
   reliability of programs which *do* contain the magic word.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FLASH: 1000 wigs stolen in Miami!  Police combing city...
%%
FLASH!  Elvis + Hitler seen dancing at local club!!
%%
Flash!! Energizer Bunny force fed Kaopectate, finally stops going...
%%
Flash: FDA outlaws new addictive substance--air...
%%
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at...uh, when
 the little hand is on the....
%%
FLASH!  Jeremy Mullins seen swinging across town with Catwoman
%%
Flash!  Kodak monopolizes convenience store!  Film at 7-11
%%
Flashlight:  Device used to store dead batteries.
%%
Flashlight (n.) a tin can for carrying dead batteries.
%%
FLASH!: Rush Limbaugh denies being gay!
%%
Flashs in the pan: Pet Rock, Mort Downey Jr, Rush Limbaugh
%%
:flat: adj. 1. Lacking any complex internal structure.  "That
   {bitty box} has only a flat filesystem, not a hierarchical
   one."  The verb form is {flatten}.  2. Said of a memory
   architecture (like that of the VAX or 680x0) that is one big linear
   address space (typically with each possible value of a processor
   register corresponding to a unique core address), as opposed to a
   `segmented' architecture (like that of the 80x86) in which
   addresses are composed from a base-register/offset pair (segmented
   designs are generally considered {cretinous}).

   Note that sense 1 (at least with respect to filesystems) is usually
   used pejoratively, while sense 2 is a {Good Thing}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:flat-ASCII: adj. Said of a text file that contains only 7-bit
   ASCII characters and uses only ASCII-standard control characters
   (that is, has no embedded codes specific to a particular text
   formatter markup language, or output device, and no
   {meta}-characters).  Syn. {plain-ASCII}.  Compare
   {flat-file}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flat burglary as ever was committed.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
:flat-file: adj. A {flatten}ed representation of some database or
   tree or network structure as a single file from which the
   structure could implicitly be rebuilt, esp. one in {flat-ASCII}
   form.  See also {sharchive}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flat Mars Society
%%
Flat out, like a lizard drinking.
%%
:flatten: vt. To remove structural information, esp. to filter
   something with an implicit tree structure into a simple sequence of
   leaves; also tends to imply mapping to {flat-ASCII}.  "This code
   flattens an expression with parentheses into an equivalent
   {canonical} form."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flattery: Cologne water, to smell but not swallow.
%%
Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Flattery is alright - if you don't inhale.
%%
Flattery is a sort of bad money, to which our vanity gives currency.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
"Flattery is like chewing gum - enjoy it, but don't swallow it."
 -- Mrs. Wilson, "Dennis The Menace"
%%
Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talkin'.
%%
FLAUTISTS blow crosswise
%%
:flavorful: adj. Full of {flavor} (sense 2); esthetically pleasing.  See
   {random} and {losing} for antonyms.  See also the entries for
   {taste} and {elegant}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:flavor: n. 1. Variety, type, kind.  "DDT commands come in two
   flavors."  "These lights come in two flavors, big red ones and
   small green ones."  See {vanilla}.  2. The attribute that causes
   something to be {flavorful}.  Usually used in the phrase "yields
   additional flavor".  "This convention yields additional flavor by
   allowing one to print text either right-side-up or upside-down."
   See {vanilla}.  This usage was certainly reinforced by the
   terminology of quantum chromodynamics, in which quarks (the
   constituents of, e.g., protons) come in six flavors (up, down,
   strange, charm, top, bottom) and three colors (red, blue, green)
 -- -- however, hackish use of `flavor' at MIT predated QCD.  3. The
   term for `class' (in the object-oriented sense) in the LISP Machine
   Flavors system.  Though the Flavors design has been superseded
   (notably by the Common LISP CLOS facility), the term `flavor' is
   still used as a general synonym for `class' by some LISP hackers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flawed to perfection.
%%
FLD: FLing Disk
%%
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can.
%%
Fled
Murmuring, and with him fled the shades of night.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 1014
%%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%%
FLESH, n.  The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Flesh of thy flesh, nor yet bone of thy bone.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Week, Fourth Day, Book ii
%%
Flexibility is one of the cornerstones of program budgeting.
%%
Flextime:   Starting a 10+ hour day up to an hour early (on a regular,
 scheduled basis with the approval of an immediate supervisor).
 -- A Ferranti International Controls volunteer
%%
Flick Lives! (my wife told me to use this...)
%%
Fliegende Kinderscheisse!
%%
Flies Are Not Allowed In The Soup Without Permission
%%
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.
%%
FLI: Flash Lights Impressively
%%
Flight 666 now boarding at gate 13.
%%
Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information
 isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.
 -- Arthur Miller
%%
Flinch not, neither give up nor despair, if the achieving of every
act in accordance with right principle is not always continuous with
thee.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, v, 9
%%
Fling but a stone, the giant dies.
 -- Matthew Green (1696-1737)
 -- The Spleen, Line 93
%%
"Flint Paper is insane.  I really respect that."
 -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police
%%
Flintstone's Chewables aren't new! Fred ate Wilma in BedRock!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables aren't new! Fred ate Wilma in the StoneAge!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables aren't new! Fred ate Wilma when he grew up!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables: BedRock's answer to "honey,I've got a headache"
%%
Flintstone's Chewables: Just another name for Fred's secretary, Sharon.
%%
Flintstone's Chewables; New? Does Jurassic Park has an ADULT area 4 You!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables; New? Nah, Bam-Bam ate Pebbles, don'tcha know?!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables; New? Nah, Barney ate Pebbles and got 5 to 10!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables; New? Nah, Dino CHOMPED Barney in the StoneAge!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables; New? Nah, Fred & Wilma did it in BedRock!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables: New? Nah, why'dya think they called it BedRock?
%%
Flintstone's Chewables: The answer to Stone Age foreplay!
%%
Flintstone's Chewables: What Wilma used when she met Sharon Stone!
%%
Flip flop (n.): 1) beach sandal; 2) Clinton governmental strategy.
%%
Flip power switch to continue...
%%
:flippy: /flip'ee/ n. A single-sided floppy disk altered for
   double-sided use by addition of a second write-notch, so called
   because it must be flipped over for the second side to be
   accessible.  No longer common.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flips and Tumbles: Jim Nastics
%%
Flirtation - attention without intention.
%%
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
%%
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
 -- Helen Rowland
%%
Flirting with the Moderator is ALWAYS HUMOROUS.
%%
Flixtipix make flossing the cat fun!
%%
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
 -- Drew Bundini Brown
%%
Flocks of pigeons! There will always be an England!
%%
Flogging in the Army: Corporal Punishment
%%
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
 -- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA
%%
flog spelled backward is golf, and viceversa.
 -- Flog's law
%%
:flood: [IRC] v. To dump large amounts of text onto an {IRC}
   channel.  This is especially rude when the text is uninteresting
   and the other users are trying to carry on a serious conversation.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flood's bad when the kids get to class in a yellow school boat.
%%
Flood's bad when you catch a 12 pound bass in your upstairs bedroom.
%%
Flood's bad when you dial 911 and the U.S. Coast Guard answers.
%%
Flood's bad when your antenna serves as a channel marker.
%%
Flood's bad when your basement develops barnacles.
%%
Flopcorn:  The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
%%
Floppy disk - A disk that flops
%%
Floppy Disk = Lower back trouble.
%%
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
%%
Floppy Joe: Home Computer Addict
%%
FLOPPY JOES: Home computer addicts
%%
Floppy not responding. Can you kiss it and make it well?
%%
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
%%
Floppy not responding, format Sysop instead?
%%
Floppy not responding--formatting HDD!
%%
Floppy now, hard later.
%%
Floppy: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due
 to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food. (See Chips).
%%
FLOP, v.  Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another
party.  The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus,
who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our
partisan journals.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Florence of Arabia -- feminist camelmanship.
%%
Florida: Come on vacation, leave on probation
%%
Florida full -- try Alabama.
 -- Sign seen along I-10
%%
Florida is the only state to outlaw bungee jumping.
%%
Florida rental car special: A free bullet-proof vest with each car.
%%
Floridium: Natrium lover.
%%
Flotion: tendency to undulate in a waterbed everytime someone moves.
%%
flowchart, n. & v.:
   [From flow to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair + chart
a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated.]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.      2. n. Neronic
doodling while the system burns.  3. n. A low-cost substitute for
wallpaper.  4. n.  The innumerate misleading the illiterate.  A
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code. -- The Programmer's
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.    5. v.intrans. To produce
flowcharts with no particular object in mind.  6. v.trans. To obfuscate
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, The Devil's DP Dictionary
%%
:flowchart:: [techspeak] n. An archaic form of visual control-flow
   specification employing arrows and `speech balloons' of various
   shapes.  Hackers never use flowcharts, consider them extremely
   silly, and associate them with {COBOL} programmers, {card
   walloper}s, and other lower forms of life.  This attitude follows
   from the observations that flowcharts (at least from a hacker's
   point of view) are no easier to read than code, are less precise,
   and tend to fall out of sync with the code (so that they either
   obfuscate it rather than explaining it, or require extra
   maintenance effort that doesn't improve the code).  See also
   {pdl}, sense 3.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flower People don't you cry; it's not too late.
 -- Spinal Tap
%%
Flower Power rules, bouquet.
%%
Flowers are like the pleasures of the world.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Flowers, is there a 'John Luck Pikkerd' here?
 -- Q
%%
Flowers of all hue, and without thorn the rose.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 256
%%
Flowers worthy of paradise.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 241
%%
Flowery oratory he despised. He ascribed to the interested views of
themselves or their relatives the declarations of pretended patriots,
of whom he said, "All those men have their price."
 -- Sir Robert Walpole (1676-1745)
 -- Coxe: Memoirs of Walpole, Vol. iv, p. 369
%%
Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes;
Flow gently, I 'll sing thee a song in thy praise.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Flow gently, sweet Afton
%%
FLR: Flash Lights Randomly
%%
fluke, snow: unexpected happening on a glacier.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
FLUSH the incumbents, restore citizen government.
%%
Flush twice... It's a long way to the replicator.
%%
 Flush twice - this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!
 -- Toilet graffiti
%%
:flush: v. 1. To delete something, usually superfluous, or to abort
   an operation.  "All that nonsense has been flushed."  2. [UNIX/C]
   To force buffered I/O to disk, as with an `fflush(3)' call.
   This is *not* an abort or deletion as in sense 1, but a
   demand for early completion!  3. To leave at the end of a day's
   work (as opposed to leaving for a meal).  "I'm going to flush
   now."  "Time to flush."  4. To exclude someone from an activity,
   or to ignore a person.

   `Flush' was standard ITS terminology for aborting an output
   operation; one spoke of the text that would have been printed, but
   was not, as having been flushed.  It is speculated that this term
   arose from a vivid image of flushing unwanted characters by hosing
   down the internal output buffer, washing the characters away before
   they could be printed.  The UNIX/C usage, on the other hand, was
   propagated by the `fflush(3)' call in C's standard I/O library
   (though it is reported to have been in use among BLISS programmers
   at DEC and on Honeywell and IBM machines as far back as 1965).
   UNIX/C hackers find the ITS usage confusing, and vice versa.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Flux capacitor + DeLorian = ?
%%
Fly By Nighters often hit tall buildings.
%%
Fly, dotard, fly!
With thy wise dreams and fables of the sky.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book ii, Line 207
%%
Flyers do it in the air.
%%
Flyers do it on top, upside down, or rolling.
%%
Flying is the second greatest experience known to man.  Landing is the first.
%%
Flying/landing on one engine.
%%
Flying saucers on occasion
Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
While they brand these tales as lies.
%%
Flying saucers, time machines, they're all the same.
%%
Flying turtles are real, they just don't show up on radar.
%%
Fly, like a youthful hart or roe,
Over the hills where spices grow.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Hymns and Spiritual Songs, Book i, Hymn 79
%%
Fly me I'm your friendly Portuguese airline.
 -- Renee Russo in Lethal Weapon 3
%%
Fly not yet; 't is just the hour
When pleasure, like the midnight flower
That scorns the eye of vulgar light,
Begins to bloom for sons of night
  And maids who love the moon.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Fly not yet
%%
:flypage: /fli:'payj/ n. (alt. `fly page') A {banner}, sense
   1.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Flyspeck 3: n. Standard name for any font that is so tiny as to be
   unreadable (by analogy with names like `Helvetica 10' for
   10-point Helvetica).  Legal boilerplate is usually printed in
   Flyspeck 3.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
%%
    F = MA;
    Things fall down;
    You can't push a rope.
 -- The three laws of physics
%%
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo, and with high fidelity.
%%
:FM: /F-M/ n. *Not* `Frequency Modulation' but rather an
   abbreviation for `Fucking Manual', the back-formation from
   {RTFM}. Used to refer to the manual itself in the {RTFM}.
   "Have you seen the Networking FM lately?"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FM: Forget Memory
%%
- FM - Friendly missile - one of ours. The Allies now have friendly missiles
          fired from planes and ships pounding the Iraqi forces continuously.
          Friendly missiles are identified by a big smiling face painted on
          the warhead. Damage as a result of friendly missiles will now be
          known as "friendly damage", and the explosives inside the warhead
          are known as "friendly explosives."
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
FMP: Finish My Program
%%
%FMS-F-SALBLKSCR, blank screen will be replaced by a salamander in heat.
%%
%FMS-F-SCRNCLOUDY, no work done on partly sunny days.
%%
Fnord?
%%
:fnord: [from the "Illuminatus Trilogy"] n. 1. A word used in
   email and news postings to tag utterances as surrealist mind-play
   or humor, esp. in connection with {Discordianism} and elaborate
   conspiracy theories.  "I heard that David Koresh is sharing an
   apartment in Argentina with Hitler. (Fnord.)" "Where can I fnord
   get the Principia Discordia from?"  2. A {metasyntactic variable},
   commonly used by hackers with ties to {Discordianism} or the
   {Church of the SubGenius}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fnord is the second spoon in your Whizz Fizz.
%%
FOA - Ferret Owners Anoymous
%%
:FOAF: // [USENET] n. Acronym for `Friend Of A Friend'.  The
   source of an unverified, possibly untrue story.  This term was not
   originated by hackers (it is used in Jan Brunvand's books on urban
   folklore), but is much better recognized on USENET and elsewhere
   than in mainstream English.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Foat Wuth...I Luv Yew!!!
%%
FOB: Falling off Branch
%%
Focus 90% of your time on solutions and only 10% of your time on problems.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Focus may be powerful... but you'd better be strong of heart
 before you develop a serious relationship.
%%
Focus on the Couple, on the Issue, for _both_ sexes.
%%
Focus On the Family; "McCulture" at its very best!
%%
:FOD: /fod/ v. [Abbreviation for `Finger of Death', originally a
   spell-name from fantasy gaming] To terminate with extreme prejudice
   and with no regard for other people.  From {MUD}s where the
   wizard command `FOD <player>' results in the immediate and total
   death of <player>, usually as punishment for obnoxious behavior.
   This usage migrated to other circumstances, such as "I'm going to fod
   the process that is burning all the cycles."  Compare {gun}.

   In aviation, FOD means Foreign Object Damage, e.g., what happens
   when a jet engine sucks up a rock on the runway or a bird in
   flight.  Finger of Death is a distressingly apt description of
   what this generally does to the engine.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Foecal Matters and Their Application to Agriculture.
 -- England's True Wealth
%%
Fog is an extremist.
%%
Fog Lamps, n.:
        Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
driver's brain is in a fog.

See also Idiot Lights.
%%
Fog: the air apparent.
%%
Fold and tear here. Tape closed before mailing. ---
%%
Fold back the Omega configuration.
 -- Tom Baker's Doctor, LOGOPOLIS
%%
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
%%
Folks, buy Guzzler's gin, a nice smooth drink! With Guzzler's, you don't
 need a chaser. Nothing can catch you!
 -- Red Skelton
%%
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream.
About me, about you. About the way our American hearts
beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About that
special feeling we get in the cockles of our heart.
Maybe below our cockles. Maybe in the sub-cockle
region. Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
maybe even in the colon. We don't know.
 -- Denis Leary, "Asshole"
%%
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
%%
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in
 his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped,
 and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean
 over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Folks who like Macs usually got a deep discount.
%%
Follow each decision as closely as possible with its associated action.
%%
Followed by the explosive harpoon
%%
Following some strange impulse, you raise the Sceptre....
You hear a magical fanfare, repeated three times.
A mysterious voice mutters peevishly....
So what do you want now? A medal?
%%
Following the Vatican declaration that women cannot become priests because
 they do not resemble Christ, sources report that Colonel Sanders has
 declared that he will not employ anyone who doesn't resemble a chicken.
 -- Jane Curtin
%%
Follow like sheep and you'll be fleeced. (Proof: Rush Limbaugh)
%%
Follow love and it will flee,
Flee love and it will follow thee.
 -- John Gay
%%
Follow me, the tagline vault is this way.
%%
Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it.
%%
Follow the yellow rubber line ...
%%
:followup: n. On USENET, a {posting} generated in response to
   another posting (as opposed to a {reply}, which goes by email
   rather than being broadcast).  Followups include the ID of the
   {parent message} in their headers; smart news-readers can use
   this information to present USENET news in `conversation' sequence
   rather than order-of-arrival.  See {thread}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
%%
Follow your bliss.
 -- Joseph Campbell
%%
Folly loves the martyrdom of fame.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Monody on the Death of Sheridan, Line 68
%%
FOLLY, n.  That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and
controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns
his life.

    Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once
        In a thick volume, and all authors known,
        If not thy glory yet thy power have shown,
    Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts
    Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce,
        To mend their lives and to sustain his own,
        However feebly be his arrows thrown,

    Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts.
    All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise,
        With lusty lung, here on his western strand
        With all thine offspring thronged from every land,
    Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise.
    And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl,
    Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all.
                                                     Aramis Loto Frope
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Font Hinting:  "Pssst... try my 12 pt. Garamond Bold."
%%
:fontology: [XEROX PARC] n. The body of knowledge dealing with the
   construction and use of new fonts (e.g., for window systems and
   typesetting software).  It has been said that fontology
   recapitulates file-ogeny.

   [Unfortunately, this reference to the embryological dictum that
   "Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny" is not merely a joke.  On the
   Macintosh, for example, System 7 has to go through contortions to
   compensate for an earlier design error that created a whole
   different set of abstractions for fonts parallel to `files' and
   `folders' --- ESR]
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fonts and Typefaces: The more the merrier!
%%
Foo
%%
FOO 1. [from the Yiddish 'feh' or Anglo-Saxon 'fooey'] interj.
Term of disgust. 2. [from FUBAR, WWII acronym, often seen as FOOBAR] Name
used for temporary programs, or as arbitrary names. Other similar words are
BAR, BAZ, and RAG. These have been used in Pogo as well. 3. A sample name
for just about anything. (The old 'Smokey Stover' comic strips often included
the word FOO, particularly on license plates of cars.)
%%
:foobar: n. Another common {metasyntactic variable}; see {foo}.
   Hackers do *not* generally use this to mean {FUBAR} in
   either the slang or jargon sense.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
foobar.
 -- WinError #50
%%
Food .... a wonderful thing to waist!
%%
:Food:

Ethnic.  Spicy.  Oriental, esp. Chinese and most esp. Szechuan, Hunan,
and Mandarin (hackers consider Cantonese vaguely d'eclass'e).  Hackers
prefer the exotic; for example, the Japanese-food fans among them will
eat with gusto such delicacies as fugu (poisonous pufferfish) and
whale.  Thai food has experienced flurries of popularity.  Where
available, high-quality Jewish delicatessen food is much esteemed.  A
visible minority of Southwestern and Pacific Coast hackers prefers
Mexican.

For those all-night hacks, pizza and microwaved burritos are big.
Interestingly, though the mainstream culture has tended to think of
hackers as incorrigible junk-food junkies, many have at least mildly
health-foodist attitudes and are fairly discriminating about what they
eat.  This may be generational; anecdotal evidence suggests that the
stereotype was more on the mark 10--15 years ago.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Food for powder, food for powder; they 'll fill a pit as well as better.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
 -- Walt Kelly, Putluck Pogo
%%
Food for Thought:  Would Steven Segal make a good Klingon.
%%
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
Food is Basic to Student Diet
 -- Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78
%%
Food is dangerous. Practically everyone who eats it eventually dies.
%%
Food is so expensive, anyone who burps is a liar.
%%
Food: Not just a good idea, an investment in your future.
%%
Foods aren't good or bad. Eating habits are.
%%
Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
 -- Rozanne Weissman
%%
Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded
wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
 -- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
%%
Food, wonderful food, if it doesn't poison, it fattens!
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Fooled you!
%%
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Fool enough people to get elected.
 -- Liberal Rule #12
%%
Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
:fool file, the: [USENET] n. A notional repository of all the most
   dramatically and abysmally stupid utterances ever.  An entire
   subgenre of {sig block}s consists of the header "From the fool
   file:" followed by some quote the poster wishes to represent as an
   immortal gem of dimwittery; for this usage to be really effective,
   the quote has to be so obviously wrong as to be laughable.  More
   than one USENETter has achieved an unwanted notoriety by being
   quoted in this way.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Foolish little minds are consistent among hobgoblins.
%%
Foolish man's heart directs him toward the left.
 -- Ecclesiastes 10:2
%%
Fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
FOOL, n.  A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation
and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.  He is
omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.  He it was
who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the
telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences.  He created
patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy,
law, medicine and Chicago.  He established monarchical and republican
government.  He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as
creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now.  In the morning of time he sang
upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the
procession of being.  His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the
set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening
meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal
grave.  And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of
eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human
civilization.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:fool: n. As used by hackers, specifically describes a person who
   habitually reasons from obviously or demonstrably incorrect
   premises and cannot be persuaded by evidence to do otherwise; it is
   not generally used in its other senses, i.e., to describe a person
   with a native incapacity to reason correctly, or a clown.  Indeed,
   in hackish experience many fools are capable of reasoning all too
   effectively in executing their errors.  See also {cretin},
   {loser}, {fool file, the}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fool, not to know that love endures no tie,
And Jove but laughs at lovers' perjury.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Palamon and Arcite, Book ii, Line 758
%%
FOOLPROOF OPERATION ........ All parameters are hard coded
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
Foolproof operation:  No provision for adjustment.
%%
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
 -- Gene Brown
%%
Fool! said my muse to me, look in thy heart, and write.
 -- Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
 -- Astrophel and Stella, i
%%
Fools and madmen; there seething minds apprehend far
quicker than cool reason could ever comprehend.
 -- A Midsummer Night's Dream.
%%
Fools and their money become popular quickly.
%%
Fools are certain, but wise men hesitate.
%%
Fools have been and always will be the majority of mankind.
%%
Fools!  Idiots!  Don't they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond
 comprehension!
 -- Doctor Science
%%
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it.
Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it.
 -- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982
%%
Fools make a mock at sin.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xiv, 9
%%
Fools make feasts and wise men eat them.
 -- Poor Richard
%%
Fools rush in - and get the best seats.
 -- Wise Fan's Lament
%%
Fools rush in... and listen to Rush Limbaugh!
%%
Fools rush in where fools have been before!
%%
Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXXIII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.
%%
Fools! they know not how much half exceeds the whole.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 40
%%
Fools wander, Wise men travel.
%%
Foot: a politician's pacifier.
%%
Football has as much to do with Education as Bullfighting has to Agriculture.
 -- Veblen
%%
Football is a mistake.  It combines the two worst elements of
American life.  Violence and committee meetings.
 -- George F. Will
%%
Football players are measured by the yard.
%%
Football players do it offensively/defensively.
%%
Football players have odd shaped balls.
%%
Football's a funny game.
%%
Football's a game of 90 minutes.
%%
Football today would certainly not to be the same if it had never existed.
%%
Foot Coverings: Susan Socks
%%
foot jam: offensive accumulation between the toes, caused by wearing the same
socks for several days.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
:footprint: n. 1. The floor or desk area taken up by a piece of
   hardware.  2. [IBM] The audit trail (if any) left by a crashed
   program (often in plural, `footprints').  See also
   {toeprint}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks" by Paul Bunion
%%
FOPC: False Out-of-Paper Condition
%%
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
%%
For 300 years we have denied the carnal side of our nature. How can
  we learn to put that aside?
Eh, well, you...you you out a young couple together...and...you let
  nature take its course.
 -- Granger and Danilo O'Dell, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
For 40 years I have analyzed stocks and other money markets. Now
I have made a remarkable discovery. The Confederate dollar has risen
in value 7.4 percent a year since 1965. It has outperformed the German
mark, the Japanese yen and the Swiss franc.
 -- Vincent W. Allen
%%
For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey.
 -- Eddie Condon
%%
For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In
 the South they don't mind how close I get so long as I don't get too big;
 in the North they don't mind how big I get so long as I don't get too
 close.
 -- Dick Gregory
%%
For a bug-free environment do NOT run this program!
%%
For a child, everything is new.
For an older person there are few surprises.
%%
For a community to be whole and healthy, it must be based on people's
love and concern for each other.
 -- Millard Fuller
%%
For a crime this outrageous, we sentence you to two weeks of Barney.
%%
For address, send a SASE to.....
%%
"For a deliciously good time."
 -- Hannibal Lecter Dinner Theatre
%%
For a desperate disease a desperate cure.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. iii, The Custom of the Isle of Cea
%%
For adult education, nothing beats children.
%%
For adult women wishing to marry, the best prospects are in Greenland.
%%
For a fee, I'll sell you names from Santa's list of naughty girls.
%%
For after all what is man in nature?  A nothing in relation to infinity, all
in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and
infinitely far from understanding either.  The ends of things and their
beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret.  He
is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and
the infinite in which he is engulfed.
 -- Blaise Pascal
%%
For a funny quote, call back late.
%%
"For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive."
 -- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
For a good poet 's made as well as born.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- To the Memory of Shakespeare
%%
For a good prime, call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1
%%
For a good time, call 1-800-3IBMOS2
%%
For a good time, call 1-900-410-8463.
%%
For a good time, call 1-900-SEX-HARASS ($2.95 per minute)
%%
For a good time, call [phone].
%%
For a good time, call [phone]
%%
For a good time, call 867-5309, ask for Betty.
%%
For a good time, call Jenny 867-5309.
%%
For a good time, call Mr Reagan 1-800-DUH-WHAT.
%%
 For a good time - Email mac100s@oduvm
 -- In the computer center mens bathroom
%%
For a good time, type FORMAT C:
%%
For a guy, Dan's remarkably perceptive.
%%
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
%%
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality
of life, please press 3.
 -- Alice Kahn
%%
For all knowledge and wonder (which is the seed of knowledge)
is an impression of pleasure in itself.
 -- Francis Bacon in Advancement of Learning, I.i.3
%%
[...] For all our conceits about being the center of the universe, we live in
a routine planet of a humdrum star stuck away in an obscure corner [...] on an
unexceptional galaxy which is one of about 100 billion galaxies. [...] That is
the fundamental fact of the universe we inhabit, and it is very good for us to
understand that.
 -- Carl Sagan
%%
For all parts of the body that we see fit to expose to the wind and air are
found fit to endure it: face, feet, hands, legs, shoulders, head, according
as custom invites us. For if there is a part of us that is tender and that
seems as though it should fear the cold, it should be the stomach, where
digestion takes place; our fathers left it uncovered, and our ladies, soft
and delicate as they are, sometimes go half bare down to the navel.
 -- Montaigne, "Apology for Raymond Sebonde"
%%
For all that faire is, is by nature good;
That is a signe to know the gentle blood.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- An Hymne in Honour of Beautie, Line 139
%%
For all that Nature by her mother-wit
Could frame in earth.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book iv, Canto x, St. 21
%%
For all we know
Of what the blessed do above
Is, that they sing, and that they love.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- While I listen to thy Voice
%%
For all you do ... this BUP's for you ...
%%
For all you do ... this line's for you ...
%%
For all you do ... this SCUD's for you ...
%%
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin --
real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way.  Something
to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be
served, a debt to be paid.  Then life would begin.  At last it dawned
on me that these obstacles were my life.
 -- Fr. Alfred D'Souza
%%
"For a long time then, I reflected on this confusion in the astronomical
traditions concerning the derivation of the motions of the universe's
spheres.  I began to be annoyed that the movements of the world machine,
created for our sake by the best and most systematic Artisan of all,
were not understood with greater certainty by the philosophers, who
otherwise examined so precisely the most insignificant trifles of
this world.  For this reason I undertook the task of rereading the
works of all the philosophers which I could obtain to learn whether
anyone had ever proposed other motions of the universe's spheres than
those expounded by the teachers of astronomy in the schools.  And
in fact I found in Cicero that Hicetas supposed the earth to move.
 Later I also discovered in Plutarch that certain others were of this
opinion.  ...Therefore, having obtained the opportunity from these
sources, I too began to consider the mobility of the earth."
 -- Nicholas Copernicus,
 -- Letter to Pope Paul III:  Preface to De Revolutionibus, 1543
%%
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw.
Let's not even consider a chainsaw.
 -- Mike's Law
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
 -- Mike Dennison
%%
For a male and female to live continuously together
 is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural
 condition.
 -- Robert Briffault
%%
For a man can lose neither the past nor the future; for how can one
take from him that which is not his? So remember these two points:
first, that each thing is of like form from everlasting and comes
round again in its cycle, and that it signifies not whether a man
shall look upon the same things for a hundred years or two hundred,
or for an infinity of time; second, that the longest lived and the
shortest lived man, when they come to die, lose one and the same thing.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ii, 14
%%
For a man's house is his castle, et domus sua cuique tutissimum refugium.
 -- Sir Edward Coke (1549-1634)
 -- Third Institute, Page 162
%%
For a man to achieve all that is demanded
of him he must regard himself as greater than he is.
 -- Johann von Goethe
%%
For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners;
for him really to understand them is bad morals.
 -- Henry James
%%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
%%
"For a moment, nothing happened.
Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
For an adequate time, call 555-6529
%%
For a NATURAL HIGH, eat a chocolate bar!!!
%%
For angling-rod he took a sturdy oake;
For line, a cable that in storm ne'er broke;
His hooke was such as heads the end of pole
To pluck down house ere fire consumes it whole;
The hook was baited with a dragon's tale,--
And then on rock he stood to bob for whale.
 -- Sir William Davenant (1605-1668)
 -- Britannia Triumphans, Page 15, 1637
%%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
%%
For a nun buying clothes may be habit-forming.
%%
For any remedy there is a misery.
%%
For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so,
a well organized and armed milita is their best security.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, 1808
%%
For a photographer, life us just a bed of poses.
%%
:fora: pl.n. Plural of {forum}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
%%
For Art may err, but Nature cannot miss.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Cock and the Fox, Line 452
%%
For as lack of adornment is said to become some women, so this subtle
oration, though without embellishment, gives delight.
 -- Cicero (106-43 BC)
 -- De Oratore, 78
%%
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
%%
For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public
 relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.
 -- Richard Feynman
%%
For as we all know, God made Man in his own image. It'd be a sad
  lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything
  like _you_, Baldrick.
 -- Edmund to Baldrick : Bells
%%
"For a tasteful evening."
 -- Hannibal Lecter Dinner Theatre
%%
For a' that, and a' that,
And twice as muckle 's a' that.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Jolly Beggars
%%
For a' that and a' that
It's comin' yet - for a' that
That man to man, the warld o'er
Shall brithers be for a' that!
 -- Robert Burns 1759-1796
%%
For a time Jack was angry; but when he had been without the jacket for a
short while he began to realize that being half-clothed is infinitely more
uncomfortable than being entirely naked. Soon he did not miss his clothing
in the least, and from that he came to revel in the freedom of his
unhampered state.
 -- Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Son of Tarzan
%%
For at the end of history lies the undiscovered country.
%%
For aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
 I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Forbade to wade through slaughter to a throne,
  And shut the gates of mercy on mankind.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 17
%%
Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube.
%%
For better luck, you'll have to wait until fall.
%%
For better luck, you'll have to wait until Friday.
%%
For better luck, you'll have to wait until spring.
%%
For better luck, you'll have to wait until summer.
%%
For better luck, you'll have to wait until winter.
%%
For birth control, I rely on my personality.
 -- Milt Abel
%%
For blessings ever wait on virtuous deeds,
And though a late, a sure reward succeeds.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- The Mourning Bride, Act v, Sc. 12
%%
For BOTH sexes, abuse derives from powerlessness, not power.
%%
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
%%
FORCE, n.
    "Force is but might," the teacher said --
        "That definition's just."
    The boy said naught but through instead,
    Remembering his pounded head:
        "Force is not might but must!"
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
FORCEPS: Giant baby tweezers.
%%
Force yourself to relax.
%%
For Computer Programmers who want to read the Bible. Yours opens with the
 first sentence of the first book. "In the beginning, God was unformatted,"
 and then it goes on!
%%
For contemplation he and valour form'd,
For softness she and sweet attractive grace;
He for God only, she for God in him.
His fair large front and eye sublime declar'd
Absolute rule; and hyacinthine locks
Round from his parted forelock manly hung
Clustering, but not beneath his shoulders broad.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 297
%%
For courage mounteth with occasion.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
For crying out loud, the poor thing is already dead!
%%
For customer assistance, dial 1-800-IAM-DUMB.
%%
Ford and Arthur on Vogon poetry:
"I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly
effective.  And er ... interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to
counterpoint the ... er ... er ..."
"counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the ... er ..."
"... humanity of the ..."
"Vogonity."
"Ah yes, Vogonity (sorry) of the poet's compassionate soul, which contrives
through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that,
and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other, and one is
left with a profound and vivid insight into ... into ... er ..."
"Into whatever it was the poem was about!"
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
FORD ...and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks.  I kept
myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Ford: (backwards)       Driver Returns On Foot
%%
For dear to gods and men is sacred song.
Self-taught I sing; by Heaven, and Heaven alone,
The genuine seeds of poesy are sown.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xxii, Line 382
%%
"...for DEATH awaits you all, with nasty sharp
 pointy teeth!"
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
For Dessert? I'll take a piece of cherry 3.14159!
%%
Ford: F*cked on Race Day
%%
Ford: F*cking Old, Retarded Drivers
%%
Ford: F*cking Over-Rated Disaster
%%
Ford: F*ckin' Out-Right Dangerous
%%
Ford: F*ckin Owner Real Dumb!!
%%
Ford: First on race day
%%
Ford: First On Recall Day
%%
FORD: Fix Often, Repair Daily
%%
Ford: Fix Or Repair Daily
%%
Ford: F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
%%
Ford: F**ker Only Runs Downhill
%%
Ford: Flip Over Read Directions
%%
Ford: For Old Retired Dudes
%%
Ford: Found on road dead
%%
FORD: Found On Roadside Dump
%%
Ford: Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
%%
For dieters, a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
%%
For discussion only. Not to be relied upon.
%%
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered,
then kill it.
%%
For drames always go by conthraries, my dear.
 -- Samuel Lover (1797-1868)
 -- Rory O'More
%%
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration.
%%
FORD: The Heartbreak of today's Chevrolet!
%%
Ford, there's an infinite number of monkeys out here who wish to talk to us
about this script for Hamlet they've worked up.
 -- Arthur Dent
%%
Ford used to have a better idea; now they don't have a clue.
%%
For dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis iii, 19
%%
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.
%%
For each time you say the phrases "touch base," "networking," or
"bottom line," you will spend one month in hell.
%%
For ease and speed in doing a thing do not give the work lasting solidity
or exactness of beauty.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Pericles
%%
FOREFINGER, n.  The finger commonly used in pointing out two
malefactors.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:foreground: [UNIX] vt. To bring a task to the top of one's
   {stack} for immediate processing, and hackers often use it in
   this sense for non-computer tasks. "If your presentation is due
   next week, I guess I'd better foreground writing up the design
   document."

   Technically, on a time-sharing system, a task executing in
   foreground is one able to accept input from and return output to
   the user; oppose {background}.  Nowadays this term is primarily
   associated with {{UNIX}}, but it appears first to have been used
   in this sense on OS/360.  Normally, there is only one foreground
   task per terminal (or terminal window); having multiple processes
   simultaneously reading the keyboard is a good way to {lose}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Forehead on keyboard to format drive C: and wreck keyboard.
%%
Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries
for the benefit of rich people in poor countries.
 -- Bernard Rosenberg
%%
Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night.  Vulgar.
%%
Forensic Scientists always know who's been there!
%%
FOREORDINATION, n.  This looks like an easy word to define, but when I
consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in
explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations;
when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles
caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination,
and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to
prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the
efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these
awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the
mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing
to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly
refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"'Foreshadowing' -- your clue to quality literature."
 -- Berkeley Breathed, "Bloom County"
%%
FORESTERS do it in trees
%%
Forest Lawn is like a Disneyland for shut-ins.
 -- Jack Paar
%%
For ever and a day.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius!
If we do meet again, why, we shall smile;
If not, why then this parting was well made.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Forever, Fortune, wilt thou prove
An unrelenting foe to love;
And when we meet a mutual heart,
Come in between and bid us part?
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- Song
%%
Forever honour'd, and forever mourn'd.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xxii, Line 422
%%
For ever singing as they shine,
The hand that made us is divine.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Ode
%%
 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 -- Harrison's Postulate
%%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism in both camps.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #40
%%
 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
 -- Main's Law
%%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
%%
For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered.
%%
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
 -- Richard Clopton
%%
For every dollar a man makes
A woman makes 63 cents
Now, fifty years ago that was 62 cents,
So, with any kind of luck, it'll be the year 3,888
Before we make a buck
 -- Laurie Anderson
%%
For every fault you find, two more are created.
%%
For every foolproof program, there is a bigger and more dangerous fool who
will bypass the safeguards.
 -- Naeser's Law
%%
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is
 always wrong
 -- Mencken's Metalaw
%%
For every idiot-proof system
devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
 -- Robb's Law of Technological Evolution
%%
For every inch that is not fool is rogue.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part ii, Line 463
%%
For every minute that you are unhappy,
you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
 -- John Schmitt
%%
For every new foolproof invention there is a new and improved fool.
%%
For every organisation, there is an equal and opposite
reorganisation.
 -- Pickett's First Law of the Company
%%
For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty
 people who don't want to learn--much.
 -- W. C. Sellar and R. J. Yeatman
%%
For every proverb that confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom,
there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.
 -- Richard Boston
%%
For every soul, you are bound to find a heel.
%%
For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for
everything you gain, you lose something else.
 -- Emerson
%%
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
 -- Thal's Law
%%
For every woman murdered, *three* men are murdered.
%%
For evil news rides post, while good news baits.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Samson Agonistes, Line 1538
%%
Forewarned, forearmed; to be prepared is half the victory.
 -- Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra (1547-1616), Don Quixote (1605-1615)
%%
Forewarned is forearmed.
%%
Forewarned is forearmed; four arms is half an octopus.
%%
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead.
%%
For fate has wove the thread of life with pain,
And twins ev'n from the birth are misery and man!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book vii, Line 263
%%
Forfeit everything you have, and join us 'cause you're Powermad!
%%
Forfeit - What animals usually use to stand on, when they stand on more
 than two feet.
%%
For fifteen days I struggled to prove that no functions
analogous to those I have since called Fuchsian functions could
exist; I was then very ignorant.  Every day I sat down at my
work table where I spent an hour or two; I tried a great number
of combinations and arrived at no result.  One evening, contrary
to my custom, I took black coffee; I could not go to sleep;
ideas swarmed up in clouds; I sensed them clashing until, to put
it so, a pair would hook together to form a stable combination.
By morning I had established the existence of a class of
Fuchsian functions, those derived from the hypergeometric series.
I had only to write up the results which took me a few hours.
 -- Henri Poincare,  Science et Methode
%%
For f**ks sake, use a condom!
%%
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part iii, Line 66
%%
For forms of government let fools contest;
Whate'er is best administer'd is best.
For modes of faith let graceless zealots fight;
His can't be wrong whose life is in the right.
In faith and hope the world will disagree,
But all mankind's concern is charity.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle iii, Line 303
%%
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
 -- J.W. Schopf
%%
For fractures:  to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back
and forth.
%%
:for free: adj. Said of a capability of a programming language or
   hardware equipment that is available by its design without needing
   cleverness to implement: "In APL, we get the matrix operations for
   free."  "And owing to the way revisions are stored in this
   system, you get revision trees for free."  The term usually refers
   to a serendipitous feature of doing things a certain way (compare
   {big win}), but it may refer to an intentional but secondary
   feature.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
For freedom's battle, once begun,
Bequeath'd by bleeding sire to son,
Though baffled oft, is ever won.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Giaour, Line 123
%%
For full indeed is earth of woes, and full the sea; and in the day
as well as night diseases unbidden haunt mankind, silently bearing
ills to men, for all-wise Zeus hath taken from them their voice. So
utterly impossible is it to escape the will of Zeus.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 101
%%
For fun link /tmp to /dev/null and take the phone off the hook.
 -- SA Tip #654
%%
For further information, consult your pineal gland.
%%
For further information.. send $5.00..NOW!
%%
Forger: a person who gives a check a bad name.
%%
Forgers do it hot.
%%
Forget about the problem of ingrowing toenails.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Forget about the question of just who wears the trousers in your
household.
 -- More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Forget about your sins!  Give the audience a grin!
%%
Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing test.
 -- David Bedno
%%
Forget everything, as one day everything will forget you.
%%
FORGETFULNESS, n.  A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation
for their destitution of conscience.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Forgetful youth! but know, the Power above
With ease can save each object of his love;
Wide as his will extends his boundless grace.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book iii, Line 285
%%
Forget goals. Value the process.
 -- Jim Bouton
%%
Forget GUIs! Give me a C:\> and a keyboard.
%%
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
 -- Confucius
%%
Forget intentions. (The road to Hell is paved with the good ones, I
wonder what the bad ones are used for?)
 -- Jan Wasilewsky
%%
Forget it.
%%
Forget it!  No more beaming!  I'm walking this time!
%%
Forget living well. The best revenge is revenge.
 -- William Hamilton
%%
Forget patience! I'm gonna kill something...
%%
"Forget picking the lock... just kick the door down."
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Forget reading the bulletins, call the SysOp voice!
%%
Forget RTFM - Call The Author At Home! (at 2:45 AM)
%%
Forget the Borg! Give 'em Bill Clinton and AlGore!
%%
Forget the brother, and resume the man.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book iv, Line 732
%%
Forget the Cods, Gill, this guy's going to need a sturgeon!
%%
Forget the computer!  Where's my abacus?
%%
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
%%
Forget the pain and get on with the party!
%%
Forget this sentence!
%%
Forget thyself to marble.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 42
%%
Forget whales, save Jupiter for when Earth is used up.
%%
Forget your enemies. It's your friends you frustrate that cause all
the problems.
 -- Michael J. Tucker
%%
Forget your opponents. Always play against par.
 -- Sam Snead
%%
Forgive and forget, but don't tie up the watch dog just yet.
%%
Forgive and remember.
 -- Professor Block's Motto
%%
Forgive him demon gods from hell, he's a hockey player.
%%
Forgive me father for I have syned.
%%
Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who
think they talk sense.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
Forgive me Sin, for I have fathered!
%%
Forgiveness is better than revenge, for forgiveness is the sign of
a gentle nature, but revenge is the sign of a savage nature.
 -- Epictetus
%%
Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.
 -- Hannah Arendt
%%
Forgiveness to the injured does belong;
But they ne'er pardon who have done the wrong.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Conquest of Granada, Part ii, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Forgive the liars, fight the lies.
%%
Forgive thy enemy. They HATE that!
%%
Forgive us for shooting those who trespass against us.
%%
Forgive us, for we know not what we do.  Not that we CARE or anything.
%%
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
 -- John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
For gold in phisike is a cordial;
Therefore he loved gold in special.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 445
%%
For good clean fun, shower with a friend.
%%
For good men but see death, the wicked taste it.
 -- Johnson
%%
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
%%
For greatest scandal waits on greatest state.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Lucrece, Line 1306
%%
For great wrong doings there are great punishments
%%
For Grid, for Goofy, and Saint Walt!
%%
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
throat.
%%
For he being dead, with him is beauty slain,
And, beauty dead, black chaos comes again.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Venus and Adonis, Line 1019
%%
For he is but a bastard to the time
That doth not smack of observation.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
For he lives twice who can at once employ
The present well, and e'en the past enjoy.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Imitation of Martial
%%
For here we are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead,
nor to tolerate error so long as reason is left free to combat it.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
 -- First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1801
%%
For her own breakfast she 'll project a scheme,
Nor take her tea without a stratagem.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Love of Fame, Satire vi, Line 190
%%
For himself doth a man work evil in working evils for another.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 265
%%
For him to get a clue would require heroic implant surgery.
%%
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
%%
For him was lever han at his beddes hed
A twenty bokes, clothed in black or red,
Of Aristotle, and his philosophie,
Than robes riche, or fidel, or sautrie.
But all be that he was a philosophre,
Yet hadde he but litel gold in cofre.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 295
%%
For his bounty,
There was no winter in 't; an autumn 't was
That grew the more by reaping.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
For his chaste Muse employ'd her heaven-taught lyre
None but the noblest passions to inspire,
Not one immoral, one corrupted thought,
One line which, dying, he could wish to blot.
 -- Lord Lyttleton (1709-1773)
 -- Prologue to Thomson's Coriolanus
%%
For hope is but the dream of those that wake.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- Solomon on the Vanity of the World, Book iii, Line 102
%%
For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
 -- The Cure "A Thousand Hours"
%%
For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me.
 -- A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
%%
For I am nothing, if not critical.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
For I am proverb'd with a grandsire phrase.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
For I dipt into the future,
Far as human eye could see,
Saw the vision of the world,
And all the wonder that would be.
 -- Tennyson
%%
For "ignorance is the mother of devotion," as all the world knows.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 4, Memb. 1, Subsect. 2
%%
For iii may keep a counsel if twain be away.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Ten Commandments of Love
%%
For I lean on no dead kin, my name in mine for fame or scorn
 And the world began when I was born and the world is mine to win.
 -- Badger Clark
%%
For I'm not so old, and not so plain,
And I'm quite prepared to marry again.
 -- Sir William Schwenck Gilbert (& Sullivan)
%%
For in my youth I never did apply
Hot and rebellious liquors in my blood.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
For in religion as in friendship, they who profess most are ever
the least sincere.
 -- Sheridan
%%
For instance, several years ago we tracked down a twelve-year-old girl who
 was going to have an abortion so that we could talk her out of it.   Talking
 a woman out of having an abortion is not news.  But tracking her down using
 a private detective is.
 -- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro Life Action League, Closed:
      99 Ways to Stop Abortion, 1985, as quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For
      Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
For insurance purposes, an act of God is defined as something which no
 reasonable person could possibly have anticipated. In this same sense,
 Catholic theologians speak of the creation of humanity as an act of God! If
 carried to the logical conclusion, we might even find some sort of reason
 for your ordinary parking meter.
%%
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of
 events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
  "Whose?"
"MINE! HA-HA!"
 -- Firesign Theatre, The Giant Rat of Summatra
%%
For I say this is death and the sole death,--
When a man's loss comes to him from his gain,
Darkness from light, from knowledge ignorance,
And lack of love from love made manifest.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- A Death in the Desert
%%
For it is the doom of men that they forget.
 -- Merlin
%%
"For I too am real.  I am Schmendrick the Magician,
 the last of the red-hot swamis, and I am older
 than I look."
 -- Schmendrick the Magician,
             from Peter S. Beagle's "The Last Unicorn"
%%
For it so falls out
That what we have we prize not to the worth
Whiles we enjoy it, but being lack'd and lost,
Why, then we rack the value; then we find
The virtue that possession would not show us
Whiles it was ours.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
For it was in the golden prime
  Of good Haroun Alraschid.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Recollections of the Arabian Nights
%%
For I, who hold sage Homer's rule the best,
Welcome the coming, speed the going guest.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Satire ii, Book ii, Line 159
%%
:fork bomb: [UNIX] n. A particular species of {wabbit} that can
   be written in one line of C (`main() {for(;;)fork();}') or shell
   (`$0 & $0 &') on any UNIX system, or occasionally created by an
   egregious coding bug.  A fork bomb process `explodes' by
   recursively spawning copies of itself (using the UNIX system call
   `fork(2)').  Eventually it eats all the process table entries
   and effectively wedges the system.  Fortunately, fork bombs are
   relatively easy to spot and kill, so creating one deliberately
   seldom accomplishes more than to bring the just wrath of the gods
   down upon the perpetrator.  See also {logic bomb}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:forked: [UNIX; prob. influenced by a mainstream expletive] adj.
   Terminally slow, or dead.  Originated when one system was slowed to
   a snail's pace by an inadvertent {fork bomb}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FORK, n.  An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead
animals into the mouth.  Formerly the knife was employed for this
purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many
advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether
reject, but use to assist in charging the knife.  The immunity of
these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking
proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
FORK YOU!
%%
For large values of one, one approaches two, for small
values of two.
 -- Murphy's Mathematical Axiom
%%
For life, with all it yields of joy and woe,
And hope and fear (believe the aged friend),
Is just our chance o' the prize of learning love,--
How love might be, hath been indeed, and is.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- A Death in the Desert
%%
For, lo! the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers
appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and
the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.
 -- Old Testament
 -- The Song of Solomon ii, 11, 12
%%
For love deceives the best of womankind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xv, Line 463
%%
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice
 of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is
between strangers.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Formal verification
 the construction of an incorrect proof isomorphic
 to an incorrect program
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Formal wedding;  White shotguns...present arms!
%%
For many a day, and many a dreadful night,
Incessant lab'ring round the stormy cape.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Summer, Line 1003
%%
For many are called, but few are chosen.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xxii, 14
%%
For many, the declension of life is: I go, you go, ego.
%%
... For many things which go under my name are badly translated from the
German or are invented by other people.
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
FORMA PAUPERIS.  [Latin]  In the character of a poor person -- a
method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case.

    When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court
        (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
    Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
        He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.

    "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried;
        "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted."
    So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
        He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Format all 10? But I can only fit 3 in the drive at once!!
%%
Format another (Y/N)?
%%
Format C:[CR]......OOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPSSSS!
%%
FORMAT C: Failed, Transfering Virus to D: ^C^C^C^C
%%
Format C: Kills software bugs dead.
%%
Format Hard Drive: (Y)es, (O)k, (F)ine with me
%%
Formatting of drive A: Failed, trying drive C: instead....
%%
Format: (v.) to erase irrevocably and unintentionally.
%%
FORMAT WILL work on my server! See, don't you feel dumb?!
%%
Format your program to help the reader understand it.
%%
For maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.
%%
For maximum ease, RoseReader Please!
%%
For May wol have no slogardie a-night.
The seson priketh every gentil herte,
And maketh him out of his slepe to sterte.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Knightes Tale, Line 1044
%%
Form'd by thy converse, happily to steer
From grave to gay, from lively to severe.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle iv, Line 379
%%
For medium number systems, we can expect that
large fluctuations, irregularities, and discrepancy with any theory will
occur more or less regularly. (This is more succinctly expressed by
Murphy: Anything that can happen, will happen.)
 -- The Law of Medium Numbers
%%
For me eroticism must be ugly, the aesthetic always divine,
and death beautiful.
 -- S. Dali
%%
Form emptiness, emptiness form.
%%
For men may come and men may go,
  But I go on forever.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Brook
%%
Former Attorney General Edwin Meese served as a character witness for
 Oliver North during his trial. Jay Leno made the remark that having such a
 witness is much like asking Steve Garvey (a mass killer) to give your wife
 a ride home.
%%
Former Fetus for Choice
%%
Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic
 for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake
 medicine for magic.
 -- Thomas Szasz
%%
"For me the cinema is not a slice of life, but a
 piece of cake."
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
For me, the lame part of the Sixties was the political part, the social
part. The real part was the spiritual part.
 -- Jerry Garcia (1942-1995), Musician, the Greatful Dead
 -- Rolling Stone magazine, (November 30,  1989)
%%
For more information on wasting InterNet resources, send Email to yourself.
%%
For more Star Trek Quotes, get "Star Trek Speaks" by Susan Sackett,
 -- Fred Goldstein and Stan Goldstein, Pocket Books, 1979.
%%
For more than a month the media have been telling us that Bill Clinton and
Al Gore are "moderates."  Well, if they're moderates, I'm a world champion
speller.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle in his acceptance
                   speech during the 1992 Republican National Convention,
                   8/20/92.
%%
For most men life is a search for the proper manilla
envelope in which to get themselves filed.
 -- Clifton Fadiman
%%
For most men (till by losing rendered sager)
Will back their own opinions by a wager.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Beppo, Stanza 27
%%
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
 -- Virginia Woolf
%%
For most of history, baby-having was in the hands (so to speak) of women.
 Many fine people were born under this system. Things changed in the 1970s.
 The birth rate dropped sharply. Women started going to college and driving
 bulldozers and carrying briefcases and using words like "debenture." They
 didn't have time to have babies ... Then young professional couples began
 to realize that their lives were missing something: a sense of stability,
 of companionship, of responsibility for another life. So they got Labrador
 retrievers. A little later they started having babies again, mainly because
 of the tax advantages.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%%
FORMULA ONE RACERS come too fast and in laps.
%%
For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak
With most miraculous organ.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
For my name and memory, I leave it to men's charitable speeches, to
foreign nations, and to the next ages.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- From his Will
%%
For my next trick, I'll need a blonde volunteer and a condom.
%%
For my own part, I have never had a though which I could not set down
 in words with even more distinctness than that which I conceived it.
 -- Edgar Allan Poe
%%
"For my own part, regret nothing.  Have lived life,
 free from compromise... and step into the shadow
 now without complaint."
 -- Rorschach takes a rare look backward, from WATCHMEN
%%
For my part, getting up seems not so easy
      By half as lying.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Morning Meditations
%%
For my part I can compare her to nothing but the sun; for, like him,
she takes no rest, nor ever sets in one place by to rise in another.
 -- Dryden
%%
For my part, I had rather be the first man among these fellows than
the second man in Rome.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Caesar
%%
For my part, I think that a knowledge of the future would be
a disadvantage.
 -- Cicero, "De Divinatione"
%%
".... For my purpose holds;
To sail beyond the sunset, and the light
Of all the western stars, until I die."
               Tennyson
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
For my purpose holds...
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
 -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
%%
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
life to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
now.  He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
the strength to object.  He has been foraging for his own food, which
means his diet consists entirely of food substances which are
advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
(part of this complete breakfast).
 -- Dave Barry, Molecular Homicide
%%
For my voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, talking to NASA
                   employees, 9/5/90  (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
For nations that waste their inheritances- even nations that are profligate
-usually do so in ways more subtle than individuals. Bad habits and bad advice
take longer to inflict their damage; nations, too, have their reckonings, but
they can survive many more nights before the hangover.
 -- Michael Scully
%%
For neatness, always draw the curves first, and afterwards plot the data.
 -- Finagle's Third Rule
%%
For never anything can be amiss,
When simpleness and duty tender it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
For never, never, wicked man was wise.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book ii, Line 320
%%
For New Year's, I gave up sex & lying.
%%
For next message hold ALT and CTL and "." on number pad..
%%
Fornication, n.:
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%%
For nosebleed:  put the nose much lower than the body.
%%
For no soldiers or sailors, in any of our forces today, would so willingly
endure the rigors of battle if they thought that in another twenty years
their own sons would be fighting still another war on distant deserts or
seas or in far-away jungles or skies.
 -- Franklin Roosevelt
%%
For now the poet cannot die,
  Nor leave his music as of old,
  But round him ere he scarce be cold
Begins the scandal and the cry.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- To ------, after reading a Life and Letters
%%
"For numerical analysis, there are theorems that are true, and theorems
that are REALLY true."
 -- John Dennis (in Upson's Familiar Quotations)
%%
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"
 -- John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892)
 -- Maud Muller, st. 53
%%
For of fortunes sharpe adversite,
The worst kind of infortune is this,--
A man that hath been in prosperite,
And it remember whan it passed is.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Troilus and Creseide, Book iii, Line 1625
%%
For, O, for, O, the hobby-horse is forgot.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
For of the most High cometh healing.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus xxxviii, 2
%%
For of the soule the bodie forme doth take;
For soule is forme, and doth the bodie make.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- An Hymne in Honour of Beautie, Line 132
%%
For oh! so wildly do I love him That paradise itself were dim And
joyless, if not shared with him.
 -- Moore
%%
For once I'm at a loss for words.  Mark down the date!
%%
For one heat, all know, doth drive out another,
One passion doth expel another still.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Monsieur D'Olive, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult
of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for
which all other work is but preparation.
 -- Rainer Maria Rilke
%%
For one man is my world of all the men
This wide world holds; O love, my world is you.
 -- Christina Rossetti
%%
 For others do I wait...for higher ones, stronger ones, more triumphant
 ones, merrier ones, for such as are built squarely in body and soul:
 laughing lions must come.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
For other things mild Heav'n a time ordains,
And disapproves that care, though wise in show,
That with superfluous burden loads the day,
And when God sends a cheerful hour, refrains.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Sonnet xxi, To Cyriac Skinner
%%
For out of the old fieldes, as men saithe,
Cometh al this new corne fro yere to yere;
And out of old bookes, in good faithe,
Cometh al this new science that men lere.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Assembly of Fowles, Line 22
%%
For parents only:  Have you hugged your child today?
%%
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
 -- Larry Eisenberg
%%
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
%%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
   (1) Be content with what you've got.
  (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%%
For pity melts the mind to love.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Alexander's Feast, Line 96
%%
For pointed satire I would Buckhurst choose,
The best good man with the worst-natured muse.
 -- Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)
 -- An allusion to Horace, Satire x, Book i
%%
For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon
line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xxviii, 10
%%
For purposes of action nothing is more useful than
narrowness of thought combined with energy of will.
 -- Henri Frederic Amiel
%%
For Reference Only.
%%
For reply, send a self-abused stomped antelope.
%%
For research use only.  Not for food, drug, household, or other uses.
%%
Forrest Fire......Life is like a bag of charcoal
%%
Forrest Gramp: Back in my day, we had to walk 10 miles to get a box...
%%
Forrest Grump: Get your damned hands off my box of chocolates!
%%
Forrest McCoy......It's Chocolate, Jim.
%%
For right is right, since God is God,
  And right the day must win;
To doubt would be disloyalty,
  To falter would be sin.
 -- F. W. Faber (1814-1863)
 -- The Right must win
%%
Forr sail: spelchekker... neads sum werk!
%%
Forsake not an old friend, for the new is not comparable unto him.
A new friend is as new wine: when it is old thou shalt drink it with
pleasure.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus ix, 10
%%
For Sale: 1 ceramic cow skull - actual size, very real looking $15.
%%
For Sale: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
%%
For Sale by Owner:
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica
Excellent condition, but no longer needed;
My wife knows everything.
%%
For Sale: Dehydrated H2O - $14 per quart
%%
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
%%
For Sale: dining table with two legs and six toes.
%%
For Sale: Echos '92! Don't laugh, I'm broke.
%%
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.
%%
For Sale: Ex-wife, Take over payments.
%%
For Sale: Hot tub, 375 gallons, sleeps six.
%%
For Sale: Hourglass for timing Windows.
%%
For Sale: One mind. Pristine condition - Hardly used.
%%
For Sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain.
%%
For Sale: Positronic Brain-Found near S.F.-Needs Work
%%
For Sale: Slightly used message. Enquire within.
%%
For Sale: Three canaries of undetermined sex.
%%
For sale: Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
%%
For Sale: Tribbles.  Contact H. Mudd at 17:01/A.
%%
For Satan finds some mischief still
  For idle hands to do.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xx
%%
For seldom shall she hear a tale
So sad, so tender, and so true.
 -- William Shenstone (1714-1763)
 -- Jemmy Dawson
%%
For several years more I maintained public relations with the Almighty.
But privately, I ceased to associate with him.
 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
%%
 (For Shakespeare lovers only:)
 So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
 So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
 -- Answering machine madness - miscellaneous
%%
For simplicity, the word 'complex' is sometimes used ... to refer to any
 of these IBM IBM Products.
 -- IBM publication SA22-7098-0  p. 1
%%
For sincere personal advice, page your sysop at 3 AM.
%%
For snakebites:  bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
%%
For solitude sometimes is best society,
And short retirement urges sweet return.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 249
%%
For someone who didn't inhale, Clinton sure blows a lot of smoke!
%%
For some people, being self-conscious is as awake as they ever get.
%%
For some, reality is an illusion.
%%
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
Canada.    Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
            the U.S.
%%
For some Reason, reality is an illusion.
%%
For some reason the concept of sacrificing accuracy to increase efficiency
seems inherently wrong.
%%
For some reason the little Bruins make us laugh.
%%
For some reason the little Flyers make us laugh.
%%
For some reason the little Leafs make us laugh.
%%
For some reason the little Penguins make us laugh.
%%
For some reason the little Rangers make us laugh.
%%
For some reason the little Senators make us laugh.
%%
For some reason the little Whalers make us laugh.
%%
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
%%
For specialization is a process that begins as an attempt to develop
experts who will then inform the whole body. It can end, however,
and sometimes does, in the removal of any inclination to question
the supposed "experts"- who themselves are sometimes not all that expert.
 -- Michael Scully
%%
For still the new transcends the old
In signs and tokens manifold;
Slaves rise up men; the olive waves,
With roots deep set in battle graves!
 -- John G. Whittier (1807-1892)
 -- The Chapel of the Hermits
%%
For still the world prevail'd, and its dread laugh,
Which scarce the firm philosopher can scorn.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Autumn, Line 233
%%
For stony limits cannot hold love out.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
For successful propaganda you need proper geese.
%%
For success today, look first to yourself.
%%
For such a cute kid, you sure turned out ugly.
%%
For such a little woman your mouth is too big!
 -- Arturo Villa (the Mexican leader),  THE WAR GAMES
%%
For such kind of borrowing as this, if it be not bettered by the borrowers,
among good authors is accounted Plagiare.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Iconoclastes, xxiii
%%
For sufferance is the badge of all our tribe.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
FOR SYSOP USE ONLY - Do not write below this line.
%%
For tagline, please insert four quarters in slot |======|
%%
Fortes fortuna adjuvat. [fortune helps the strong]
%%
For that fine madness still he did retain
Which rightly should possess a poet's brain.
 -- Michael Drayton (1563-1631)
 -- To Henry Reynolds, of Poets and Poesy
%%
"...  For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive
jobs of a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing
away with computers altogether?"
 -- Jehan Shuman in Isaac Asimov's "The Feeling of Power", 1957 (!)
%%
For that rundown feeling - jaywalk.
%%
For the away team, Data, you, Mr. Worf and Ensign Expendable
%%
For the church to say that abortion is not acceptable for a Catholic
 is fine.   To say directly or indirectly that on something that is a
 church teaching that you must also vote according to that -- that's
 not acceptable in a country based on the First Amendment.
 -- Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy
%%
"For the cliff is all right if you're careful," they said;
"And if folks ever slip and are dropping,
It isn't the slipping that hurts them so much
As the shock down below - when they're stopping."
So for years (you'll have heard) as these mishaps occurred
Quick forth would the rescuers sally,
To pick up the victims who fell from the cliff,
With the ambulance down in the valley.
%%
For the egoist has so far the advantage over every other species of
devotee, that his idol is ever present.
 -- Catherine Gore
%%
For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
%%
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
 -- Rudyard Kipling
%%
For the finest in brain candy.
%%
For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
 -- Robert Orben
%%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used
 for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.
 -- Harlan Ellison
%%
For the glory of the Creator and the relief of man's estate.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Advancement of Learning, Book i, (1605.)
%%
For the good that I would I do not; but the evil which I would not, that I do.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans viii, 19
%%
For the last time, I'm not male!   I'm HUMAN!
 -- Curt Siffert
%%
   "For the love of Jesus, Mr. Chiun."
     "Now you've done it."
       "For Jesus?  Oh, no.
We never got a day's work from Him."
 -- Everyone's favorite Sinanju assassins, Remo and Chiun, from the DESTROYER
%%
For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.   How tacky can ya get?
 -- Post Brothers comics
%%
For the man who has everything... Penicillin.
 -- F. Borquin
%%
For the memory of love is sweet, Though the love itself were in vain
And what I have lost of pleasure, Assuage what I find of pain.
 -- Lyster
%%
For the millionth time, don't exaggerate!
%%
For the moment at least, the Darwinian period is past; we can no
longer enjoy the comfortable assurance, which once satisfied so many
of us, that the main problem has been solved - all is again in the
melting pot.  By now, in fact, a new generation has grown up that
knows not Darwin.  Is even then evolution not a scientifically ascertained
fact?  No!  We must hold it as an act of faith because there is no
alternative.
 -- Dr. D. H. Scott, Presidential Address of the Botanical Section
 -- of the British Association for the Advancement of Science, 1921
%%
For the moment, this baby's working.
 -- O'Brien.
%%
For the next Wrestlemania, they are trying to sign a new opponent for Hulk
 Hogan, but Roseanne is holding out for more money!
%%
For the non-discriminating, non-judgemental, psychotic, all around Nut.
%%
For the ones who got a notion, a notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
I want to find one face that ain't looking through me
I want to find my place I want to spit in the face of these
Badlands....
 -- Badlands, "Darkness On The Edge of Town"
%%
"...for the Orchestra which is Business
reflects the Symphony of the Mind,
the Crown which makes Man King."
 -- Jeff Daiell, in "The Most Dangerous Radical"
%%
For the rain it raineth every day.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
"For the record, pot, like the "Reader's Digest", is not necessarily
 habit-forming, but both can lead to hard-core addiction: heroin, in one case,
 abridged bad books in the other.  Either way you look at it, a withdrawal
 from a meaningful life."
 -- Mordecai Richler, "Going Home Again"
%%
For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather.
 -- Christina Rossetti
%%
For there is no sea, with out the dolphin
 -- Oppian
%%
For there is such a difference between the way men live and the way
they ought to live, that anybody who abandons what is for what ought
to be will learn something that will ruin rather than preserve him,
because anyone who determines to act in all circumstances the part of
a good man must come to ruin among so many who are not good.
 -- Machiavelli, Il principe
%%
For there 's nae luck about the house,
  There 's nae luck at a';
There 's little pleasure in the house
  When our gudeman 's awa'.
 -- W. J. Mickle (1734-1788)
 -- The Mariner's Wife
%%
For the rest of my life, I want to reflect on what a photon is.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
:for the rest of us: [from the Mac slogan "The computer for the
   rest of us"] adj. 1. Used to describe a {spiffy} product whose
   affordability shames other comparable products, or (more often)
   used sarcastically to describe {spiffy} but very overpriced
   products.  2. Describes a program with a limited interface,
   deliberately limited capabilities, non-orthogonality, inability to
   compose primitives, or any other limitation designed to not
   `confuse' a naive user.  This places an upper bound on how far
   that user can go before the program begins to get in the way of the
   task instead of helping accomplish it.  Used in reference to
   Macintosh software which doesn't provide obvious capabilities
   because it is thought that the poor lusers might not be able to
   handle them.  Becomes `the rest of *them*' when used in
   third-party reference; thus, "Yes, it is an attractive program,
   but it's designed for The Rest Of Them" means a program that
   superficially looks neat but has no depth beyond the surface flash.
   See also {WIMP environment}, {Macintrash},
   {point-and-drool interface}, {user-friendly}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
For the rest of your life you must run,
Your day in the sun is done,
You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run!
...
Big government was your creed;
But now you're the last of a dying breed.
So, run liberal run,
Run run run run run run,
Run run run RUN,
Run run run run;
Run run...
 -- Saturday Night Live
%%
For there was never yet philosopher
That could endure the toothache patiently.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
For the rule of the wise over the less wise to be advantageous ...
it must come about by a process of consent. And the requirement of
consent can be understood only in the light of, and by recognition
of, natural equality.
 -- Harry V. Jaffa
%%
For these prices, you can't expect real quotes.
%%
 ... for these truths hold good for everything that is, and not for some
special genus apart from others.  And all men use them, because they are
true of being qua being ...  For a principle which everyone must have
to understand anything that is, is not a hypothesis ...  Evidently then,
such a principle is the most certain of all; which principle this is,
let us proceed to say.      It is, that the same attribute cannot at the
same time belong and not belong to the subject in the same respect.
 -- Aristotle
%%
For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if
 there should be such a thing as superhuman law it is
 administered with subhuman inefficiency.
 -- Eric Ambler
%%
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.
 -- Lewis Carroll
%%
For the tenth time, dull Daphnis, said Chloe, You have told me my bosom is
snowy; You've made much fine verse on each part of my person, Now DO something
%%
For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine.
Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great
number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will
turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.
 -- 2 Timothy 4:3-4
%%
For they can conquer who believe they can.
 -- Virgil
%%
For they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
For THIS I bought a computer?
%%
For this is England's greatest son,
He that gain'd a hundred fights,
And never lost an English gun.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington, Stanza 6
%%
For this I spent all those years in college?
%%
For this problem, we'll have to call in our crack team
of trained solipsists.
%%
For this relief much thanks: 't is bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
For this thing was not done in a corner.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts xxvi, 26
%%
Forth: One of the top five computer languages.
%%
For those about to rock!!! Fire!!!
%%
For those about to rock: we salute you.
 -- AC/DC
%%
For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
version of Star Wars can be built, consider the following proof
offered by Caspar Weinberger:

          If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
        working desperately to get it for over 17 years?

 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986
%%
For those of you who don't know, you know that after about three or four
 years of concern on this issue the board of the National Right to Life
 Committee voted to oppose ERA.
 -- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, Weekend,
        1/21/79, as quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves, a
      Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline.
%%
For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But
for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers
don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We
are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God.
We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our
educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We
are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will
tremble to take us.
 -- Charles Bukowski
%%
For those who choose to BBS with the very best.
%%
For those who didn't make it to page 249 of "The Anthropic Cosmological
Principle" by John Barrow and Frank Tipler, I quote

"In a randomly infinite Universe, any event occurring here and
 now with finite probability must be occurring simultaneously at
 an infinite number of other sites in the Universe. It is hard to
 evaluate this idea any further, but one thing is certain: if it
is true then it is certainly not original!"
%%
For those who have better things to do with their time, but don't care.
%%
For those whom God to ruin has design'd,
He fits for fate, and first destroys their mind.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Hind and the Panther, Part iii, Line 2387
%%
For those who say I can't impose my morality on others, I say just watch me.
 -- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League, Pro-Life
       Action News, 8/8/89, as quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For
      Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
For though his body 's under hatches,
  His soul has gone aloft.
 -- Charles Dibdin (1745-1814)
 -- Tom Bowling
%%
For thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
 -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown
%%
FORTH programmers do it from behind.
%%
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
 phone calls taper off.
 -- Johnny Carson
%%
For three hundred years flutists tried to play in tune.   Then they
gave up and invented vibrato.
 --  George Barrere
%%
For Time will teach thee soon the truth,
  There are no birds in last year's nest!
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- It is not always May
%%
For 't is a truth well known to most,
That whatsoever thing is lost,
We seek it, ere it come to light,
In every cranny but the right.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Retired Cat
%%
...For 'tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.
No, it isn't.
 -- Kate and her father : Bells
%%
For 't is the sport to have the enginer
Hoist with his own petar.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Fortiter in re, suaviter in modo.
%%
For to err in opinion, though it be not the part of wise men, is at
least human.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Against Colotes
%%
For tomorrow I diet . . .
%%
For too much rest itself becomes a pain.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xv, Line 429
%%
FORTRAN
FORTRAN is the programming Language considered by many to be the
natural successor to LISP and Prolog for A.I. research.  Its
advantages include:
 1. it is very efficient for numerical computations (many A.I.
 programs rely heavily on number-crunching techniques).
 2. A.I. problems tend to be very poorly structured, meaning
 that control needs to move frequently from one part of a
 program to another.  FORTRAN provides a special mechanism for
 achieving this, the so-called *GOTO statement*.
 3. FORTRAN provides a very efficient data structure, the
 *array*, which is particularly useful if, for example, one
 wishes to process a collection of English sentences each of
 which has the same length.
 -- Catalogue of Artificial Intelligence Tools,
 -- edited by Alan Bundy, second, revised edition,
 -- Springer-Verlag 1984, 1986  Contributor: Martin Cherry
%%
FORTRAN programmers do it with double precision.
%%
FORTRAN programmers do it with SOAP.
%%
FORTRAN programmers just DO it.
%%
FORTRAN, the infantile disorder, by now nearly 20 years old, is
hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in
mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and to expensive to use.
In the good old days, physicists repeated each other's experiments,
just to be sure. Today they stick to FORTRAN, so that they can share
each other's programs, bugs included.
 -- Dijkstra, "How do we tell truths that might hurt",
 -- ACM Sig Plan Notices, May 82
%%
FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by
scientists with real problems.
%%
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that
doesn't terrify you, it should.
%%
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
probably for at least the next decade.
 -- T. Cheatham
%%
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother.  People make fun of her just because
she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her
experiences and her mistakes.  During her lifetime she has acquired many
useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger
women can match, so be thankful she is still around.  She has a notoriously
bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes.  It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.
 -- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
:Fortrash: /for'trash/ n. Hackerism for the FORTRAN (FORmula
   TRANslator) language, referring to its primitive design, gross and
   irregular syntax, limited control constructs, and slippery,
   exception-filled semantics.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fortress: a female fort.
%%
For tribal man space was the uncontrollable mystery. For technological man
it is time that occupies the same role.
 -- Marshall McLuhan
%%
For true emotionlessless, Bernie Casey of Borg!
%%
For truth has such a face and such a mien,
As to be lov'd needs only to be seen.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Hind and the Panther, Part i, Line 33
%%
For truth itself has not the privilege to be spoken at all times and
in all sorts.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. xiii
%%
Fortunate indeed, is the man who takes exactly the right measure of
himself, and holds a just balance between what he can acquire and
what he can use.
 -- Peter Mere Latham
%%
Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in the
 Criminal Code. Said a judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders
 to leave an area, yelling "sieg heil" and goose-stepping away.
%%
Fortunately, I had a backup dated 07/26/90.
%%
Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered, for just such an emergency.
 -- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
Fortunately... no one's in control.
%%
Fortunately [psychoanalysis] is not the only way to resolve inner
conflicts.  Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.
 -- Karen Horney
%%
Fortunately, the computer virus did no harm to our
records. It was immediately devoured by the bugs in our own
programming
%%
... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence. ...
 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215
%%
Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered.
%%
Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance,
And toss them on the wheels of Chance.
 -- Juvenal
%%
fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.
%%
:fortune cookie: [WAITS, via UNIX] n. A random quote, item of
   trivia, joke, or maxim printed to the user's tty at login time or
   (less commonly) at logout time.  Items from this lexicon have often
   been used as fortune cookies.  See {cookie file}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
%%
Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them.
 -- Suzanne Necker
%%
fortune: error: All your files and directories have been deleted.
%%
Fortune favors the daring. [Audace fortuna juvat] - Virgil
%%
Fortune favors the lucky.
%%
Fortune helps the brave.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Phormio, Act i, Sc. 4, 25, (203.)
%%
Fortune is a woman. It is necessary, if you wish to master her, to
take her by force before she has a chance to resist.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
Fortune is like glass,--the brighter the glitter, the more easily broken.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 280
%%
Fortune is like the market, where, many times, if you can stay a
little, the price will fall.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
Fortune is not on the side of the faint-hearted.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Phaedra, Frag. 842
%%
Fortune is not satisfied with inflicting one calamity.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 274
%%
Fortune is unstable, while our will is free.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Epicurus, xxvii
%%
Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Fortune leaves always some door open to come at a remedy.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. i
%%
fortune: no such file or directory.
%%
fortune: not found
%%
Fortune reigns in gifts of the world.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%%
Fortune Telling: Crystal Ball
%%
Fortune, the great commandress of the world,
Hath divers ways to advance her followers:
To some she gives honour without deserving,
To other some, deserving without honour.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- All Fools, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
%%
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
%%
Fort Wayne is not the headquarters of F troop.
%%
Fort Worth...Where the West Begins!
%%
Forty isn't all that old... if you're a tree.
%%
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.
 -- Victor Hugo
%%
Forty stripes save one.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Corinthians xi, 24
%%
Forty thousand brothers
Could not, with all their quantity of love,
Make up my sum.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
"Forty-two!  Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million
year's work?" - Loonquawl.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Forty-two, said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.
%%
:forum: n. [USENET, GEnie, CI$; pl. `fora' or `forums'] Any
   discussion group accessible through a dial-in {BBS}, a
   {mailing list}, or a {newsgroup} (see {network, the}).  A
   forum functions much like a bulletin board; users submit
   {posting}s for all to read and discussion ensues.  Contrast
   real-time chat via {talk mode} or point-to-point personal
   {email}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FORVAL MODEMS, A Glance Into The Future!
%%
:for values of: [MIT] A common rhetorical maneuver at MIT is to use
   any of the canonical {random numbers} as placeholders for
   variables.  "The max function takes 42 arguments, for arbitrary
   values of 42."  "There are 69 ways to leave your lover, for
   69 = 50."  This is especially likely when the speaker has uttered
   a random number and realizes that it was not recognized as such,
   but even `non-random' numbers are occasionally used in this
   fashion.  A related joke is that pi equals 3 --- for
   small values of pi and large values of 3.

   Historical note: this usage probably derives from the programming
   language MAD (Michigan Algorithm Decoder), an Algol-like language
   that was the most common choice among mainstream (non-hacker) users
   at MIT in the mid-60s.  It had a control structure FOR VALUES OF X
   = 3, 7, 99 DO ... that would repeat the indicated instructions for
   each value in the list (unlike the usual FOR that only works for
   arithmetic sequences of values).  MAD is long extinct, but similar
   for-constructs still flourish (e.g., in UNIX's shell languages).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
For visions come not to polluted eyes.
 -- Mary Howitt
%%
For want of the price of tea and a slice...
%%
Forward, as occasion offers. Never look round to see whether any shall
note it.... Be satisfied with success in even the smallest matter,
and think that even such a result is no trifle.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 29
%%
Forward, Forward, Down, HK --- Sub zero Fatality --- Step 1
%%
Forward goes the vanguard of the lunatic fringe,
tickling the death clowns of normality.
 -- HealNorm
%%
For Warm Boot, put computer in dryer for 20 minutes
%%
For warm boot, put computer in microwave for 20 minutes.
%%
For water continually dropping will wear hard rocks hollow.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
For we both alike know that into the discussion of human affairs the question
of justice enters only where the pressure of necessity is equal, and that the
powerful exact what they can, and the weak grant what they must.
 -- Thucydides
%%
For we by conquest, of our soveraine might,
And by eternall doome of Fate's decree,
Have wonne the Empire of the Heavens bright.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book vii, Canto vi, St. 33
%%
For what constitutes a child?--Ignorance. What constitutes a child?--Want
of instruction; for they are our equals so far as their degree of
knowledge permits.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- That Courage is not inconsistent with Caution,
 -- Discourses, Book ii, Chap. i
%%
For what it's worth!!!!
%%
For what it's worth, I understand your bitterness.
With respect sir, you cannot. I am asked to give up the very lifeblood
  of my mother and my father to those who murdered them.
So you blame all Romulans for that?
Yes.
Forever. What if someday the Federation made peace with the Romulans?
Impossible.
That's what your people said a few years ago, about humans. Think how
  many died on both sides in that war. Would you and I be here now like
  this? If we hadn't been able to let go of the anger and the blame.
  Where does it end Worf? If that Romulan dies, does his family carry
  the bitterness another generation?
Then you believe I should.
What I believe doesn't matter.
 -- Riker & Worf, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
For what it's worth, I've always trusted you from the beginning.. .
%%
For when did friendship take
A breed for barren metal of his friend?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
For when I gave you an inch, you tooke an ell.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ix
%%
For when I was a babe and wept and slept, Time crept.
When I was a boy and laughed and talked, Time walked.
Then when the years saw me a man, Time run.
But as I older grew, Time flew.
 -- Guy Pentreath
%%
For where God built a church, there the Devil would also build a chapel.
 -- Martin Luther (1483-1546)
 -- Table-Talk, lxvii
%%
For where is any author in the world
Teaches such beauty as a woman's eye?
Learning is but an adjunct to ourself.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
For wheresoe'er I turn my ravish'd eyes,
Gay gilded scenes and shining prospects rise,
Poetic fields encompass me around,
And still I seem to tread on classic ground.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- A Letter from Italy
%%
For where 's the state beneath the firmament
That doth excel the bees for government?
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Fifth Day, Part i
%%
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. MAT 6:21
%%
For which cause men may well perceive that the land and the sea are
of round shape and form, for the portion of the firmament that shows
itself in one country does not show itself in another country.  And
men may well prove by experience and subtle exercise
of wit that if a man should find routes by ship that would go
to search the world, men might go by ship all about the world and
around and beneath it...
 -- Sir John Mandeville,
 -- Mandeville's Travels, a 14th-Century text of disputed authorship
%%
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first,
and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it.
 -- Luke 14:28
%%
For who hath despised the day of small things?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Zechariah iv, 10
%%
For who, to dumb forgetfulness a prey,
  This pleasing anxious being e'er resign'd,
Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day,
  Nor cast one longing ling'ring look behind?
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 22
%%
For who would lose,
Though full of pain this intellectual being,
Those thoughts that wander through eternity,
To perish rather, swallow'd up and lost
In the wide womb of uncreated night?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 146
%%
For women, "equality is a disaster."
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
For women, the sexual act is a means to a higher end. For a man, it is an end
in itself.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
For words are wise men's counters,--they do but reckon by them; but
they are the money of fools.
 -- Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)
 -- The Leviathan, Part i, Chap. iv
%%
For writing E-Mail to Penthouse Magazine - WORDPERVERT 5.1
%%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
 -- Justin Richardson.
%%
For you and I are past our dancing days.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
For your birthday, somebody gives you a calfskin wallet..
%%
For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
 efficient self-service.
 -- In a Hong Kong supermarket
%%
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
%%
(for your taste) I'll see if I can manage a Round 3.
%%
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
%%
:fossil: n. 1. In software, a misfeature that becomes
   understandable only in historical context, as a remnant of times
   past retained so as not to break compatibility.  Example: the
   retention of octal as default base for string escapes in {C}, in
   spite of the better match of hexadecimal to ASCII and modern
   byte-addressable architectures.  See {dusty deck}.  2. More
   restrictively, a feature with past but no present utility.
   Example: the force-all-caps (LCASE) bits in the V7 and {BSD}
   UNIX tty driver, designed for use with monocase terminals.  (In a
   perversion of the usual backward-compatibility goal, this
   functionality has actually been expanded and renamed in some later
   {USG UNIX} releases as the IUCLC and OLCUC bits.)  3. The FOSSIL
   (Fido/Opus/Seadog Standard Interface Level) driver specification
   for serial-port access to replace the {brain-dead} routines in
   the IBM PC ROMs.  Fossils are used by most MS-DOS {BBS} software
   in preference to the `supported' ROM routines, which do not support
   interrupt-driven operation or setting speeds above 9600; the use of
   a semistandard FOSSIL library is preferable to the {bare metal}
   serial port programming otherwise required.  Since the FOSSIL
   specification allows additional functionality to be hooked in,
   drivers that use the {hook} but do not provide serial-port
   access themselves are named with a modifier, as in `video
   fossil'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fotoflagellation: the act of waving a Polaroid so it develops faster.
%%
Foul deeds will rise,
Though all the earth o'erwhelm them, to men's eyes.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Found 65536 bytes in 8 lost chains - Convert to taglines?
%%
Found BABY.COM - (a)bort, (d)eliver, (f)ind father?
%%
founder - what the police did to a lost female
%%
Found God?  If nobody claims Him in 30 days, he's YOURS!
%%
Found the solution. Now, where did I put that problem!
%%
Fountain heads and pathless groves,
Places which pale passion loves.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- The Nice Valour, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Four and six a pound and him with a wooden leg?
%%
Four cents short of a nickel.
%%
:four-color glossies: 1. Literature created by {marketroid}s
   that allegedly contains technical specs but which is in fact as
   superficial as possible without being totally {content-free}.
   "Forget the four-color glossies, give me the tech ref manuals."
   Often applied as an indication of superficiality even when the
   material is printed on ordinary paper in black and white.
   Four-color-glossy manuals are *never* useful for finding a
   problem.  2. [rare] Applied by extension to manual pages that don't
   contain enough information to diagnose why the program doesn't
   produce the expected or desired output.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Four dead in O-HI-O.
%%
Four hours to bury the cat? Yeah, it won't stay still...
%%
Four minus two is one and the same.
%%
Four minutes ahead of schedule.  Damn, I'm good!
%%
Four minutes before the conclusion of any worth-while TV program, you
will get a phone call from your cousin, the one called Loose Lips.
%%
Four out of five doctors agree that Clinton's lying.
%%
Four out of five doctors agree that Hillary's lying.
%%
Four out of five people think the fifth one is an idiot.
%%
Four people attack you with screwdrivers, you have a gun, they're
supposed to die.   That's not racism.  That's Darwin.
 --  Chip Flatow
%%
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
%%
Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought
 fourth a new application.
 -- Gettysbug Address
%%
Four Stages of Acceptance:
1. This is worthless nonsense.
2. This is an interesting, but perverse, point of view.
3. This is true, but quite unimportant.
4. I always said so.
 -- J.B.S. Haldane
%%
Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely,
to consider soberly, and to decide impartially.
 -- Socrates
%%
Four things come not back: the spoken word, the spent arrow, the past, the
neglected opportunity.
 -- Omar Idn Al-Halif
%%
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
 gothic solarium!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Four-wheel-drive just means you can get stuck in even more
inaccessible places.
 -- Phillips' Law
%%
Four-wheelers eat more bush.
%%
Four years ago...  no, it was yesterday.
Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...  No, I don't.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Foxes will be assimilated. We're wild and crazy Borgs.
%%
FPC: Feed Paper Continuously
%%
FPT: Fire Photon Torpedoes
%%
Fractals--what you see is what you wait for.
%%
Fractionation--1/3-world country.
%%
:fragile: adj. Syn {brittle}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fragile. Handle it like the U.S. Post Office!
%%
Frailty, thy name is Seagate.
%%
Frailty, thy name is woman!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Framed in the prodigality of nature.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Framed to make women false.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
France has culture but no civilization.  England has
civilization but no culture.  The United States has neither.
Canada has both.
 -- Robin Mathews
%%
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
 toilet paper.
%%
Francesco Sforza became Duke of Milan from being a private citizen
because he was armed;  his successors, since they avoided the
inconveniences of arms, became private citizens after having been dukes.
 -- Machiavelli
%%
Frances Gump......Somewhere Over the Chocolate
%%
    France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu-
tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish gorrilas came
down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to
inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him
any children.
 -- The World According to Student Bloopers: Richard Lederer
%%
FRANKALMOIGNE, n.  The tenure by which a religious corporation holds
lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor.  In mediaeval
times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in
this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent
an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity
of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you
master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?"  "Ay," said the
officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must
e'en roast."  "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this
act hath rank as robbery of God!"  "Nay, nay, good father, my master
the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too
great wealth."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Frank and explicit--that is the right line to take when you wish to conceal
 your own mind and confuse the minds of others.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
%%
Frank is my Elvis.
 --  Matt Groening
%%
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell
 about it.  So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Franklin D. Roosevelt = New Deal  **  William B. Clinton = Raw Deal
%%
Frankly my dear, I don't give a download.
 -- Rhett Sysop
%%
Frankly, scallop, I don't give a clam!
%%
"Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix."
 -- Rhett Buggler
%%
Frank settled out in the valley,and he hung his wild years on a nail
 that he drove through his wifes forehead.
 -- Tom Waits
%%
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
%%
 (Frantic violin music:)  Hello.  You have reached 435-3949.  We
 are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or
 being chased by, bats.  Please leave a message.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 Fraternities have no SLACK, no matter how slack-jawed they may appear.
I taught elementary calculus here at the University of SLACK for several
years, and have observed these folks carefully.
 Although some of them looked like they had SLACK, it's clear to me that
this was just the result of not getting enough sleep after the puking contest.
 I mean, those guys don't watch enough television to have real SLACK.
 -- William K Glunt ([e-mail])
%%
FRATERNITY MEN do it with their little sisters
%%
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
 -- Charles P. Curtis
%%
Fraud(n): A telephone number starting with "1-900"
%%
Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
%%
Freaking the mundanes...Freaking the mundanes...
%%
Fred Can Philosophize!: Immanuel Kant
%%
Freddy Kruger lives in your CPU Stack, ....Nightie
%%
Freddy's dead, but look out world here comes Bob!  Help!
%%
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
%%
:fred: n. 1. The personal name most frequently used as a
   {metasyntactic variable} (see {foo}).  Allegedly popular
   because it's easy for a non-touch-typist to type on a standard
   QWERTY keyboard.  Unlike {J. Random Hacker} or `J. Random
   Loser', this name has no positive or negative loading (but see
   {Mbogo, Dr. Fred}).  See also {barney}.  2. An acronym for
   `Flipping Ridiculous Electronic Device'; other F-verbs may be
   substituted for `flipping'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:frednet: /fred'net/ n. Used to refer to some {random} and
   uncommon protocol encountered on a network.  "We're implementing
   bridging in our router to solve the frednet problem."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fredom of the Press = US Mint.
%%
Free advice is seldom cheap.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #59
%%
Free Agent, Spam Ware Without Compare
%%
Free and fair discussion will ever by found the firmest friend to truth.
 -- George Campbell
%%
Free and single again!
%%
Free at last, free at last, Great God Almighty, I am free at last.
 -- Martin Luther King
%%
Free at last, they took your life...
they could not take your pride.
%%
Free bank with the purchase of any toaster.
%%
FREEBOOTER, n.  A conqueror in a small way of business, whose
annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
 -- Sign on bank
%%
free climb: climb done without expensive equipment. there are cheap thrills,
too.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Free communication, free thought!
%%
Free curiosity is a greater encouragement to learning
than frightened compulsion.
%%
Free curiosity is of more value than harsh discipline.
 -- Saint Augustine (354-430), Confessions (397-398)
%%
Freed from the pressure of haste, the tyranny of film, and now the
restraint of clothes, I found myself looking more closely at what went on
around me.
 -- Colin Fletcher, The Man Who Walked Through Time
%%
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Freedom comes from human beings, rather than from laws and institutions.
 -- Clarance Darrow
%%
Freedom, freedom!
%%
Freedom from incrustation of grime is preceded in paramount only by rectitude.
[ cleanliness is next to godliness. ]
%%
Freedom has a thousand charms to show,
That slaves, howe'er contented, never know.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Table Talk, Line 260
%%
Freedom has no meaning of itself. There are always restrictions, be they
 legal, genetic, or physical. If you don't believe me, try to chew a radio
 signal.
 -- Kelvin Throop III
%%
Freedom, Immortality, and the Stars!
%%
Freedom is a hard-bought thing - A gift no man can give.
%%
... freedom ... is a worship word...
It is our worship word too.
 -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
%%
Freedom is doing what you like, happiness is liking what you do.
%%
Freedom is Expensive, but worth it!
%%
Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia.
%%
Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.
 -- Alan Dean Foster, To the Vanishing Point
%%
Freedom is meaningless unless you can give to those with whom you
disagree.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Freedom is not an imposition.
 -- Rush Limbaugh's truth #11
%%
Freedom is not enough.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.
 It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced
and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious
right.
 -- Ghandi, 1931
%%
Freedom isn't cheap and it never goes on sale.
%%
Freedom isn't free.
%%
Freedom is something we take for granted.
%%
Freedom is still the most radical idea of all.
 -- Nathaniel Branden
%%
[Freedom is] the power to live as you will.  Who then lives as he wills?
 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
 -- John G. Riefenbaker
%%
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
 -- Sartre
%%
Freedom, like crabgrass, keeps popping up.
%%
Freedom of movement and choice produced the human spirit.
 -- Dr. Brown, "What are Little Girls Made Of?" stardate 2712.4.
%%
Freedom of religion is also freedom FROM religion. . .
%%
Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom
to think.  And there is no freedom of thought without doubt.
 -- Bergen Evans
%%
Freedom of speech is wonderful;
right up there with the freedom not to listen.
%%
Freedom of Speech: Letting he who is wrong speak anyway.
%%
"Freedom of the press in Britain is freedom to print such of the proprietor's
prejudices as the advertisers don't object to."
 -- Hannen Swaffer (1879-1962), in conversation with Tom Driberg, c.1928
%%
Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.
 -- A. J. Liebling
%%
Freedom = Responsibility
%%
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
 -- Kris Kristofferson
%%
Freedom to live one's life with the window of the soul open to new
thoughts, new ideas, new aspirations.
 -- Harold Ickes
%%
Free enterprise: A huge area of the American economy is still noticable
to observers with peripheral vision after they subtract the public
sector, conglomerates, federally supported agriculture, monopolies,
duopolies, and oligopolies.
 -- Bernard Rosenberg
%%
Free enterprise ended in the United States a good many years ago. Big oil, big
steel, big agriculture avoid the open marketplace. Big corporations fix prices
among themselves and drive out the small entrepreneur. In their conglomerate
forms, the huge corporations have begun to challenge the legitimacy of the
state.
 -- Gore Vidal
%%
Free enterprise works for those with the enterprises.
%%
Freefall Sex: And you thought AIDS was Dangerous!
%%
Freefall Sex: Bungee jumping is just foreplay!
%%
Freefall Sex: Flights of Fancy gone one better! Imaginative Enjoyment!
%%
Freefall Sex: For those who aren't up to Bungee Sex!
%%
Freefall Sex: Is there a "Satisfaction Guarantee"? Who're you kidding!
%%
Freefall Sex: Now accepting applicants for Night Excursions.
%%
Freefall Sex: Oprah reveals her distressing addiction: Next on 20/20!
%%
Freefall Sex: "Quickie"....before hitting the road!...
%%
Freefall Sex: Researchers Wanted:Apply in person. Ready, willing, able!
%%
Freefall Sex: Wanted:Imaginative, Openminded, Outdoorsy types. Apply Now!
%%
Free Family History!  Just run fer office...
%%
free: freeing free block
%%
free: freeing free frag
%%
Free fuel, deliveries daily (re: solar energy)
%%
"Free?" I just love the word "free!"
%%
Free-livers on a small scale, who are prodigal within the compass of a guinea.
 -- Washington Irving (1783-1859)
 -- The Stout Gentleman
%%
Free love is a contradiction in terms.
%%
Free markets select for winning solutions.
 -- Eric S. Raymond
%%
FREEMASONS, n.  An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and
fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II,
among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the
dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces
all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming
up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of
Chaos and Formless Void.  The order was founded at different times by
Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious,
Thothmes, and Buddha.  Its emblems and symbols have been found in the
Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the
Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the
Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
%%
Free Oral Castrations
%%
Free people, remember this maxim: We may acquire liberty, but it
is never recovered if it is once lost.
 -- Rousseau
%%
Free Sex is all I can afford after Taxes!!
%%
Free soil, free men, free speech, Fremont.
 -- The Republican Party rallying cry in 1856
%%
"Free speech for me but not for thee."
 -- Liberal's 1st Amendment
%%
Free speech is far more valuable than cheap talk.
%%
Free speech is intended to protect the controversial and even outrageous
word; and not just comforting platitudes too mundane to need protection.
 -- General Colin Powell
%%
 Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a
crowded fire.
 -- Abbie Hoffman
%%
Free the EXPLOSIVE FUNERAL NEWS thread!
%%
Free the Heinz 57.
%%
Free the Indianapolis 500!
%%
Free the San Francisco 49ers!
%%
Free the Terran 5 Billions.
%%
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be
wasted.
 -- Sandiland's Law
%%
FREE to a good home, cute baby taglines, housebroken.
%%
Free trade is not a principle, it is an expedient.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- On Import Duties, April 25, 1843
%%
:freeware: n. Free software, often written by enthusiasts and
   distributed by users' groups, or via electronic mail, local
   bulletin boards, {USENET}, or other electronic media.  At one
   time, `freeware' was a trademark of Andrew Fluegelman, the author
   of the well-known MS-DOS comm program PC-TALK III.  It wasn't
   enforced after his mysterious disappearance and presumed death
   in 1984.  See {shareware}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
'Freeways are the cathedrals of our times,' someone said. Not me, but
    someone did.
 -- David Byrne
%%
:freeze: v. To lock an evolving software distribution or document
   against changes so it can be released with some hope of stability.
   Carries the strong implication that the item in question will
   `unfreeze' at some future date.  "OK, fix that bug and we'll
   freeze for release."

   There are more specific constructions on this term.  A `feature
   freeze', for example, locks out modifications intended to introduce
   new features but still allows bugfixes and completion of existing
   features; a `code freeze' connotes no more changes at all.  At
   Sun Microsystems and elsewhere, one may also hear references to
   `code slush' --- that is, an almost-but-not-quite frozen state.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Freeze - Wait - Reanimate
 -- The Cryonics Society
%%
French Cars: Myra Neault
%%
French dictionary for beginners:

 Coup de grace - Lawn mower
 Chateaubriand - Your hat is on
 Pas de tout - Father of twins
 Entrechat - Let the cat in
 Marseillaise - Ma says okay
 -- F. S. Pearson 2d
%%
 (French monologue in the background:)  Around the world today,
 millions still speak French as either a first or second
 language.  But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
 out French in our lifetime.  Please leave a message in English
 at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to
 you, just say, "non".
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
French Overpopulation: Francis Crowded
%%
French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled
 due to the grape treaders' sit-in.
 -- Ronnie Corbett
%%
Fresh as a bridegroom; and his chin new reap'd
Showed like a stubble-land at harvest-home;
He was perfumed like a milliner,
And 'twixt his finger and his thumb he held
A pouncet-box, which ever and anon
He gave his nose and took 't away again.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Fresh beauty opens one's eyes wherever it is really seen, but the very
abundance and completeness of the common beauty that besets our steps
prevents its being absorbed and appreciated. It is a good thing, therefore,
to make short excursions now and then to the bottom of the sea among dulse
and coral, or up among the clouds on mountain-tops, or in balloons, or even
to creep like worms into dark holes and caverns underground, not only to
learn something of what is going on in those out-of-the-way places, but to
see better what the sun sees on our return to common everyday beauty.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Fresh from the Box.
%%
Fresh of the Grill: same talk different company!
%%
Freud Fantasy Gardens--Id required.
%%
"Freud is the father of psychoanalysis.  It has no mother."
 -- Germaine Greer
%%
FREUD, SIGMUND (1856-1939)
  Austrian gynaecologist and founder of psychoanalysis. And a
  down-right pervvy.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Freya, Goddess of Love and War:  If ya can't lay 'em, slay 'em!
%%
FR: Flip Record
%%
FRG: Fill with Random Garbage
%%
FRICK, MR
  The most unfortunate name for a school teacher in the universe.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
%%
Friction is a drag.
%%
Friction is a drag & Gravity Sucks!!
%%
friction: what often develops among members of an expedition.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men
 building a new house. And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid
 little weirdo. In Morse code.
 -- Emo Philips
%%
Friday the 13th XXXIV: Jason take the Enterprise
%%
:fried: adj. 1. Non-working due to hardware failure; burnt out.
   Especially used of hardware brought down by a `power glitch' (see
   {glitch}), {drop-outs}, a short, or some other electrical
   event.  (Sometimes this literally happens to electronic circuits!
   In particular, resistors can burn out and transformers can melt
   down, emitting noxious smoke --- see {friode}, {SED} and
   {LER}.  However, this term is also used metaphorically.)
   Compare {frotzed}.  2. Of people, exhausted.  Said particularly
   of those who continue to work in such a state.  Often used as an
   explanation or excuse.  "Yeah, I know that fix destroyed the file
   system, but I was fried when I put it in."  Esp. common in
   conjunction with `brain': "My brain is fried today, I'm very
   short on sleep."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fried ice cream is a reality!
 -- George Clinton
%%
Friend after friend departs;
  Who hath not lost a friend?
There is no union here of hearts
  That finds not here an end.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- Friends
%%
FRIENDLESS, adj.  Having no favors to bestow.  Destitute of fortune.
Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Friendly fire isn't.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #21
%%
Friend or Foe??????????????????
%%
Friends, and I mean real friends - reserve nothing. The property of one belongs
to the other.
 -- Euripides
%%
Friends applaud, the comedy is over.
 -- Last words of Ludwig von Beethoven
%%
Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!
%%
Friends are people you can be quiet with.
%%
Friends depart, and memory takes them
  To her caverns, pure and deep.
 -- Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839)
 -- Teach me to forget
%%
Friends don't let friends buy Seagates.
%%
Friends don't let friends buy Tandy Computers.
%%
Friends don't let friends buy Yugo's.
%%
Friends don't let friends drink and post.
%%
Friends don't let friends drive Fords.
%%
Friends don't let friends drive foreign cars!
%%
Friends don't let friends drive Japanese cars.
%%
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
%%
Friends don't let friends eat meat.
%%
Friends don't let Friends Lurk on RIME...
%%
friends don't let friends make up their own mind.
 -- Liberal tagline
%%
Friends don't let friends pay retail.
%%
Friends don't let friends post drunk.
%%
Friends don't let friends run Xenix.
 -- Stephen J. Friedl
%%
Friends don't let Friends Use 2400 Baud
%%
Friends don't let friends use Amigas!
%%
Friends don't let friends use Apples.
%%
Friends don't let friends use MS-DOS.
%%
Friends don't let friends use NT.
%%
Friends don't let friends use PKZIP2.04G
%%
Friends don't let friends use Prodigy.
%%
Friends don't let friends use Windows.
%%
Friends don't let friends use XMODEM!
%%
Friends don't let friends vote Democratic.
%%
Friends don't let friends vote for Clinton/Gore.
%%
Friends don't let friends vote for Republicans!
%%
Friends: family that you can choose for yourself.
%%
Friendship cannot be negotiated.
 -- Paul Krassner (from Lyle Stuart)
%%
Friendship can turn to Love, but Love can NEVER turn to Friendship.
%%
Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our
joys, and dividing our grief.
 -- Joseph Addison
%%
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,
"What! You, too? I thought I was the only one."
 -- C. S. Lewis
%%
Friendship is constant in all other things
Save in the office and affairs of love:
Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues;
Let every eye negotiate for itself
And trust no agent.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Friendship is good, a strong stick; but when the hour comes
to lean hard it gives.   In the day of their bitterest need
all souls are alone.
 -- Olive Schreiner, (The Story of An African Farm)
%%
Friendship is inexplicable, it should not be explained,
if one doesn't want to kill it.
 -- Max Jacob
%%
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
Friendship is Love without his wings.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- L'Amitie est l'Amour sans Ailes
%%
Friendship is no plant of hasty growth; Tho' planted in esteem's deep fixed
soil, The gradual culture of kind intercourse Must bring it to perfection.
 -- Joanna Baillie
%%
Friendship is only a reciprocal conciliation of interests, and an
exchange of good offices; it is a species of commerce out of which
self-love always expects to gain something.
 -- Francis, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
 -- Maxim 83
%%
Friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness
of which all mankind are agreed.
 -- Cicero
%%
Friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed.
 -- Emerson
%%
Friendship must dare to risk, Counselor, or it is not friendship.
 -- Picard to Troi, "Conspiracy", stardate 41775.5
%%
Friendship! mysterious cement of the soul!
Sweetener of life! and solder of society!
 -- Robert Blair (1699-1747)
 -- The Grave, Part i, Line 88
%%
FRIENDSHIP, n.  A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but
only one in foul.

    The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
    Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
        (High barometer maketh glad.)
    On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
    The tempest descended and we fell out.
        (O the walking is nasty bad!)
                                                     Armit Huff Bettle
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as
any other fragile and precious thing.
 -- Randolph S. Bourne
%%
Friendships are not always preserved in alcohol.
%%
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
 -- Balzac
%%
Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable.
 -- John D. MacDonald.
%%
Friendship's the wine of life.
 -- Young
%%
Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot
be friends with anyone else in the world.
 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
Friends! I represent the government.    I support your charges against
  Landlord Huang.  We will certainly avenge Hsi-erh.  First, let us arrest
  Huang and Mu for public trial according to proper legal procedure!
 -- District Head, from The White Haired Girl
%%
Friends know when to yell 'RUN!'
%%
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
 -- Thomas Jones' Motto
%%
Friends of a potentialy funny joke, just because I don't get it? [GRIN]
%%
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
%%
Friends: People who dislike the same people we do.
%%
Friends: people who know you but like you anyway.
%%
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your knickers, stockings and
undergarments!
%%
Friends, Romans, Countrymen: lend me your noses.
%%
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
 Let me clue you in;
 I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
 The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
 And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
 for Brutus is a real cool cat;
 So are they all, all cool cats,
 Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
%%
Friends should be preferred to kings.
 -- Voltaire
%%
FRIENDS: The people who stab you in the front.
%%
Friends warm the world with Happiness
%%
Friends were made for friends, and for people to argue with!!
%%
Friend to my life, which did not you prolong,
The world had wanted many an idle song.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 27
%%
Frigidalien: any nonfood item (film, batteries) kept in the `fridge.
%%
:frink: /frink/ v. The unknown ur-verb, fill in your own meaning.
   Found esp. on the USENET newsgroup alt.fan.lemurs, where it is
   said that the lemurs know what `frink' means, but they aren't
   telling.  Compare {gorets}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:friode: /fri:'ohd/ [TMRC] n. A reversible (that is, fused or
   blown) diode.  Compare {fried}; see also {SED}, {LER}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.
%%
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the
  roof and gets stuck.
 -- George Carlin
%%
Frisby....An on-topic aerial Communications device?
%%
:fritterware: n. An excess of capability that serves no productive
   end.  The canonical example is font-diddling software on the Mac
   (see {macdink}); the term describes anything that eats huge
   amounts of time for quite marginal gains in function but seduces
   people into using it anyway.  See also {window shopping}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fritz needs Fred and Fred needs Fritz.
Fritz feeds Fred and Fred feeds Fritz.
Fred feeds Fritz with ritzy Fred food.
Fritz feeds Fred with ritzy Fritz food.
And Fritz, when fed, has often said,
I'm a Fred-fed Fritz.
Fred's a Fritz-fed Fred.
 -- Dr Suess
%%
:frob: /frob/ 1. n. [MIT] The {TMRC} definition was "FROB = a
   protruding arm or trunnion"; by metaphoric extension, a `frob'
   is any random small thing; an object that you can comfortably hold
   in one hand; something you can frob (sense 2).  See {frobnitz}.
   2. vt.  Abbreviated form of {frobnicate}.  3. [from the {MUD}
   world] A command on some MUDs that changes a player's experience
   level (this can be used to make wizards); also, to request
   {wizard} privileges on the `professional courtesy' grounds
   that one is a wizard elsewhere.  The command is actually
   `frobnicate' but is universally abbreviated to the shorter
   form.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:frobnicate: /frob'ni-kayt/ vt. [Poss. derived from
   {frobnitz}, and usually abbreviated to {frob}, but
   `frobnicate' is recognized as the official full form.] To
   manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  One frequently frobs bits or other
   2-state devices.  Thus: "Please frob the light switch" (that is,
   flip it), but also "Stop frobbing that clasp; you'll break it".
   One also sees the construction `to frob a frob'.  See {tweak}
   and {twiddle}.

   Usage: frob, twiddle, and tweak sometimes connote points along a
   continuum.  `Frob' connotes aimless manipulation; `twiddle'
   connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper
   setting; `tweak' connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a
   knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it, he is
   probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
   screen, he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it
   because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.  The variant
   `frobnosticate' has been recently reported.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:frobnitz: /frob'nits/, plural `frobnitzem' /frob'nit-zm/ or
   `frobni' /frob'ni:/ [TMRC] n. An unspecified physical object, a
   widget.  Also refers to electronic black boxes.  This rare form is
   usually abbreviated to `frotz', or more commonly to {frob}.
   Also used are `frobnule' (/frob'n[y]ool/) and `frobule'
   (/frob'yool/).  Starting perhaps in 1979, `frobozz'
   /fr*-boz'/ (plural: `frobbotzim' /fr*-bot'zm/) has also
   become very popular, largely through its exposure as a name via
   {Zork}.  These variants can also be applied to nonphysical
   objects, such as data structures.

   Pete Samson, compiler of the original {TMRC} lexicon, adds,
   "Under the TMRC [railroad] layout were many storage boxes, managed
   (in 1958) by David R. Sawyer.  Several had fanciful designations
   written on them, such as `Frobnitz Coil Oil'.  Perhaps DRS intended
   Frobnitz to be a proper name, but the name was quickly taken for
   the thing".  This was almost certainly the origin of the
   term.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Frobozz Magic Tagline Co. Inc.
%%
Frodo is not dead. He retired and is living in Miami.
%%
:frog: alt. `phrog' 1. interj. Term of disgust (we seem to have
   a lot of them).  2. Used as a name for just about anything.  See
   {foo}.  3. n. Of things, a crock.  4. n. Of people, somewhere in
   between a turkey and a toad.  5. `froggy': adj. Similar to
   {bagbiting}, but milder.  "This froggy program is taking
   forever to run!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:frogging: [University of Waterloo] v. 1. Partial corruption of a
   text file or input stream by some bug or consistent glitch, as
   opposed to random events like line noise or media failures.  Might
   occur, for example, if one bit of each incoming character on a tty
   were stuck, so that some characters were correct and others were
   not.  See {terminak} for a historical example.  2. By extension,
   accidental display of text in a mode where the output device emits
   special symbols or mnemonics rather than conventional ASCII.  This
   often happens, for example, when using a terminal or comm program
   on a device like an IBM PC with a special `high-half' character set
   and with the bit-parity assumption wrong.  A hacker sufficiently
   familiar with ASCII bit patterns might be able to read the display
   anyway.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FROG: How you English say:  I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards
      you, sons of a window-dresser,  so, you think you could out-clever us
      French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing
      behaviour.  (blows a raspberry) I wave my private parts at your aunties,
      you brightly-coloured, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric
      donkey-bottom biters.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
FROG,n. An amphibian with edible legs.
%%
FROG, n.  A reptile with edible legs.  The first mention of frogs in
profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and
the mice.  Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the
work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has
set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain
frogs.  One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was
besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh,
who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism,
that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the
programme was changed.  The frog is a diligent songster, having a good
voice but no ear.  The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by
Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the
music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner.  Horses
have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling
them to shine in a hurdle race.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Frogs are my favorite vegetable.
%%
'Frogs are smart--they eat what bugs them.'
 -- Sign in an office
%%
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in
 sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
 obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
%%
From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot
%%
From a fallen tree, all make kindling.
 -- Spanish proverb
%%
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles
 and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control
 yourself.
%%
"From all us Slackers to all you Boomers ... HAHAHAHAHAHA! WE HAVE
SATELLITE MOUNTED RAIL-GUNS! HEH HEH. Who's laughing now?"
 -- S. Lang
%%
From all who dwell below the skies
Let the Creator's praise arise;
Let the Redeemer's name be sung
Through every land, by every tongue.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Psalm cxvii
%%
From a long view of the history of mankind -- seen from, say, ten thousand
years from now -- there can be little doubt that the most significant event
of the 19th century will be judged as Maxwell's discovery of the laws of
electrodynamics.  The American Civil War will pale into provincial
insignificance in comparison with this important scientific event of the
same decade.
 -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988)
%%
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:

The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
schizophrenia in mass genocide.
%%
From an operating system research point of view, Unix is -- if not dead --
 certainly old stuff, and it's clear that people should be looking beyond it.
 -- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix, Usenix keynote speech from Summer 1990
     [and no, that doesn't mean to VMS, MS-DOS or OS/2]
%%
From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: If we get involved in
a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
damage my videotapes?
 -- TV Guide, 1985
%%
From birth to age eighteen a girl needs good parents; from eighteen to
 thirty-five she needs good looks; from thirty-five to fifty-five she needs
 a good personality; from fifty-five on, she needs good cash.
 -- Sophie Tucker
%%
From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
%%
From Dan even to Beer-sheba.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Judges v, xx, 1
%%
From Dave Spensley, Sysop, Uncle "D"s Directory
%%
From Disk and all of the little Diskettes
%%
From each according to his abilities,
to each according to his needs.
 -- Karl Marx
%%
From envy, hatred, and malice, and all uncharitableness.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- The Litany
%%
From error to error one discovers the entire truth.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
From every place below the skies
  The grateful song, the fervent prayer,--
The incense of the heart,
  To heaven, and find acceptance there.
 -- John Pierpont (1785-1866)
 -- Every Place a Temple
%%
From Floppy to HARD Drive in 0.29 Nanoseconds.. :)
%%
From Greenland's icy mountains,
  From India's coral strand,
Where Afric's sunny fountains
  Roll down their golden sand.
 -- Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
 -- Missionary Hymn
%%
From Hamlet to Kierkegaard, the word "Danish" has been synonymous with
 fun, fun, fun.
%%
From harmony, from heavenly harmony,
      This universal frame began:
      From harmony to harmony
Through all the compass of the notes it ran,
The diapason closing full in Man.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- A Song for St. Cecilia's Day, Line 11
%%
From haunted spring and dale
Edg'd with poplar pale
The parting genius is with sighing sent.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Hymn on Christ's Nativity, Line 184
%%
From Helicon's harmonious springs
A thousand rills their mazy progress take.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Progress of Poesy, I, 1, Line 3
%%
From hence, let fierce contending nations know
What dire effects from civil discord flow.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act v, Sc. 4
%%
From hence, ye beauties, undeceived
Know one false step is ne'er retrieved
And be with caution bold.
Not all that tempts your wandering eyes
And heedless hearts is lawful prize,
Not all that glisters gold.
 -- Tomas Gray
 -- Elegy To A Favourite Cat Drowned In A Bowl Of Goldfishes
%%
From here to there and back.
%%
From humble Port to imperial Tokay.
 -- James Townley (1715-1778)
 -- High Life below Stairs, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
From ignorance our comfort flows.
The only wretched are the wise.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- To the Hon. Charles Montague
%%
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

Here is a sample program:
      LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
     IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
       VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
             FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
                        DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
                   BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
            SURE
  LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
 REALLY
        LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
 IM*SURE
       GOTO THE MALL

When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:

  GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
 -- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
%%
From "LeapTrek", a novel by Katriena Knights.
 Al's (Quatum Leap) remarks about Commander William Riker (StarTrek -
 The Next Generation):
 "Tell him to loosen up.  God, he's stiff even for a military man.
 Just looking at him makes me uncomfortable.  He looks like somebody
 stuck a broomstick up his ..."
%%
From "LeapTrek", a novel by Katriena Knights.
 Al's (Quatum Leap) remark to Captain Jean-Luc Picard (StarTrek -
 The Next Generation):
 "Oh, really? Well, if your technology is so advanced, how come you
 haven't figured out some way to keep your hair?"
%%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%%
From lower to the higher next,
Not to the top, is Nature's text;
And embryo Good, to reach full stature,
Absorbs the Evil in its nature.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Festina Lente, Moral
%%
From lowest place when virtuous things proceed,
The place is dignified by the doer's deed.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), All 's Well that Ends Well
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
> From [e-mail] Thu Mar  2 13:59:11 1989
> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255
Dale, your address no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?
 -- Bill Wolfe ([e-mail])
Bill, Your brain no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?
 -- Karl A. Nyberg ([e-mail])
%%
>From Michael Davis' article Thinking Like an Engineer: the Place of a Code of
Ethics in the Practice of a Profession, Philosophy and Public Affairs, Spring
1991, Vol. 20 #2:

     Lund's [the engineer who expressed concern about the Challenger's O-rings]
    first response was to repeat his objections.  But then Mason said
   something that made him think again.  Mason asked him to THINK LIKE A
   MANAGER INSTEAD OF AN ENGINEER (the exact words seemed to have been take
    off your engineering hat and put on your management hat.)   Lund did and
   changed his mind. The next morning the shuttle exploded, killing all aboard.
   An O-ring had failed.
 -- RISKS-FORUM Digest 11.84
%%
From morn
To noon he fell, from noon to dewy eve,--
A summer's day; and with the setting sun
Dropp'd from the Zenith like a falling star.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 742
%%
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
%%
From my father: "Always be ready to come off the bench." It was his way of
 saying, "Be prepared."
 -- Morton Dean
%%
From Nepean, Ontario, Canada
%%
From Nic's file of Seldom Useful Information ...
%%
From north to south, from east to west.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Day
%%
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which
I will not put.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-toothed comb.
%%
From now on, you'll stand out in life as an individual.
Will I?
Well, of course you will. All the other slaves will be black.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
From old Belerium to the northern main.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Windsor Forest, Line 316
%%
From one feeler to another
%%
  From our investigative news team ...
-TOP SECRET- photo of VMS operating system!   _o######ooooooo-_
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                         _o#####################~
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                     _##### o###########_:~##~
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                   _#######_~#################_
                   ##########o:~###############o
                 _##############o~##############_
               o#############~~     ~~~~~~~######_
           __o##########~::o_             o#######
      _oo##########~~::o#####            o###########o___
  o##########~~~~    ~~~##########       ~~~~#############o
 #####~~~~~~                ~~~
%%
From out of all the many particulars comes oneness, and out of oneness come
all the many particulars.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
From principles is derived probability, but truth or certainty is
obtained only from facts.
 -- Nathaniel Hawthorne
%%
From Rambo to Reality
%%
From reveries so airy, from the toil
Of dropping buckets into empty wells,
And growing old in drawing nothing up.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iii, The Garden, Line 188
%%
From Rodd's Back Room near Des Moines....
%%
From Ross Hawg's Office
%%
From scenes like these old Scotia's grandeur springs,
  That makes her loved at home, revered abroad:
Princes and lords are but the breath of kings,
  "An honest man 's the noblest work of God."
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Cotter's Saturday Night
%%
From seeming evil still educing good.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- Hymn, Line 114
%%
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.
 -- Bryan Sparrowhawk
%%
From stupidity there is always something to be learned, but
it's always the same thing: don't be stupid.
 -- Robert M. Adams
%%
From the 1st of January 1996, owing to Common Market influences, cars and
 motorcycles will drive on the right hand side of the road. If this is goes
 well, lorries and buses will do the same the following year!
%%
from the ancient Greek:  Oxus = "sharp", Moros = "dull"
 -- Oxymoron
%%
From the April 9, 1990, London (Ontario, Canada) Free Press:
A suspect in Friday's armed robbery of a CIBC bank branch in London
was still free late Sunday after bluffing his way out of the city
police holding cells, posing as someone being held on a drunk charge.
Meanwhile, a man who was held hostage and whose car was used as a
getaway vehicle [for the robbery] was stuck with a $50 towing charge
after police hauled it away to check for evidence.
%%
From the Bar of the USS Crazy Horse, NCC-4681-R.
%%
From The Church Of Logic, Sin And Love...
%%
From the City of the THONG BACK Bathing Suites!!!
%%
   From the coffee-colored skies, rain dripped incessantly on the
grounds of the deCroissant estate and on the upturned mugs of Link
Sausage, private eye, and his girl friend Patti, who knew they had to
split this case - deCroissant may have been totally flaky, but his
French wife, Miette, had been the toast of three continents until
someone (either deCroissant himself or possibly Miette's hard-boiled
lover, Poche) had cracked under the pressure of shelling out for the
lady's expensive tastes and had scrambled her brains sometime early on
this tart spring morning, leaving Link and Patti no choice but to grill
both men before either had a chance to waffle his way out of the current
jam.
 -- Lynda Carraher (From ''Son of 'It Was a Dark and Stormy Night''')
%%
From the Committee to Use Professional Politicians as Lab Animals.
%%
From the creative workshops of Soong, Inc.
%%
From the crown of his head to the sole of his foot he is all mirth;
he has twice or thrice cut Cupid's bowstring, and the little hangman
dare not shoot at him; he hath a heart as sound as a bell, and his
tongue is the clapper; for what his heart thinks his tongue speaks.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
From the crown of his head to the sole of his foot,
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
From the crown of our head to the sole of our foot.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- A Mad World, my Masters, Act i, Sc. 3
%%
From the crown of the head to the sole of the foot.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- The Honest Man's Fortune, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
From The Department of Duplicates Office (DODO).
%%
From the Desk of the Happy Hacker...
%%
From the errors of others a wise man corrects his own.
 -- Publius Syrus
%%
From the foure corners of the worlde doe haste.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Day
%%
From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli,
we are all tools of the Conspiracy...
%%
From the horridness of this crime, I do conclude that, of
all others, it requires the clearest relevancy and most
convincing probature; and I condemn, next to the witches
themselves, those cruel and too forward judges who burn
persons by thousands as guilty of this crime.
 -- Sir George Mackenzie
%%
From the J.S. Bach Planned Parenthood Center
%%
From the land of graft and corruption!
%%
From the makers of solar flashlights, it's DEHYDRATED WATER!
%%
From Themistocles began the saying, "He is a second Hercules."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Theseus
%%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
 laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
 -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
%%
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
in Japan]:

The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; high quality
against low cost, diversified functions with compact design,
flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
Dot/Head, being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
operating under noises being extremely suppressed etc.

And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
achieve super shuttle diplomacy between cool data, perhaps earned by
HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
%%
From the persistence of noise comes the insistence of rage.
From the emergence of tone comes the divergence of thought.
From the enlightenment of music comes the wisdom of... silence.
 -- Visions of Gregorian Chants
%%
From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.
 -- Dr. Seuss
%%
From the still-vexed Bermoothes.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
From the strife of tongues.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxxi, 20
%%
From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step.
 -- Napoleon
%%
From the time we first begin to know, We live and learn, but not the
wiser grow.
 -- Pomfret
%%
From the Tulanian, the Tulane alumna magazine:
   Politicians are like bananas:
   They're green when you pick 'em,
   ant then they hang around in bunches and get rotten.
%%
From The Valley of The Dulls - Lehigh Valley.
%%
From the very beginning dogs set out to please their masters, not the other
 way around ... They were put to work to perform a wide variety of chores.
 And so today's canine community is broken up into such groups as hunting
 dogs, shepherd dogs, military dogs, racing dogs, watchdogs ... Not so with
 cats. All go under the banner of "pet," a word the dictionary defines as
 "any loved and cherished creature," an excellent choice of words from the
 cat's point of view ... Dogs travel hundreds of miles during their lifetime
 responding to such commands as "come" and "fetch." Cats approach people
 only when there is a reason, and not always even then.
 -- Stephen Baker
%%
From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved rather
than feared or feared rather than loved.  One might perhaps answer
that we should wish to be both, but since love and fear can hardly
exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be
feared than loved.
 -- Machiavelli
%%
From thousands of our undone widows
One may derive some wit.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- A Trick to catch the Old One, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
From toil he wins his spirits light,
From busy day the peaceful night;
Rich, from the very want of wealth,
In heaven's best treasures, peace and health.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Ode on the Pleasure arising from Vicissitude, Line 93
%%
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
 -- Swinburne
%%
From up on the rooftops there arose such a clatter,
 I ran from my bed to see what was the matter.
 I ran to the window and threw up.
 -- Tom Smothers
%%
From uucp Mon Dec  3 21:05:46 1979
%%
From vulgar bounds with brave disorder part,
And snatch a grace beyond the reach of art.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part i, Line 152
%%
From Waharoa to Auckland....
%%
"From what I could make out, they were bragging, insulting each other, and
 telling off color jokes.  And there was duct tape on their vehicles. I
 guess some things are universal."
 -- Sam, commenting on a Swiss F1 motorcycle racing team
%%
From what I've tasted of desire...
 -- Frost
%%
From which room can one enter the robber's hideaway without passing
through the cyclops room?
%%
From whose eyelids also as they gazed dropped love.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- The Theogony, Line 910
%%
From wine what sudden friendship springs!
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Fables, Part ii, The Squire and his Cur
%%
From without, no wonderful effect is wrought within ourselves, unless
some interior, responding wonder meets it.
 -- Herman Melville
%%
From women's eyes this doctrine I derive:
They sparkle still the right Promethean fire;
They are the books, the arts, the academes,
That show, contain, and nourish all the world, Else, none at all
in aught proves excellent.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
  From yon blue heaven above us bent,
The grand old gardener and his wife
  Smile at the claims of long descent.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Lady Clara Vere de Vere, Stanza 7
%%
:front end: n. 1. An intermediary computer that does set-up and
   filtering for another (usually more powerful but less friendly)
   machine (a `back end').  2. What you're talking to when you
   have a conversation with someone who is making replies without
   paying attention.  "Look at the dancing elephants!"  "Uh-huh."
   "Do you know what I just said?"  "Sorry, you were talking to the
   front end."  See also {fepped out}.  3. Software that provides
   an interface to another program `behind' it, which may not be as
   user-friendly.  Probably from analogy with hardware front-ends (see
   sense 1) that interfaced with mainframes.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
front points: forwardmost extremities of a female climber on a chilly morning.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Frood: really amazingly together guy
%%
Frostbite Falls Minnesota, home of Watsa Matta U.
%%
:frotzed: /frotst/ adj. {down} because of hardware problems.  Compare
   {fried}.  A machine that is merely frotzed may be fixable
   without replacing parts, but a fried machine is more seriously
   damaged.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:frotz: /frots/ 1. n. See {frobnitz}.  2. `mumble frotz': An
   interjection of mildest disgust.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Frozen, Instant, Takeout, & Microwave.
 -- The four food groups
%%
FRS: Fetch Ring of Sauron
%%
Frugality may be termed the daughter of prudence, the sister of temperance,
and the parent of liberty. He that is extravagant will quickly become
poor, and poverty will enforce dependence and invite corruption.
 -- Johnson
%%
Fruit Loops are cheerio's on drugs.
%%
Fruit Loops: Gay Cheerios
%%
Fruity as a nutcake.
%%
Frumble!  Frumble!  Istharcity!
%%
Frustrated hackers use self-modifying infinite perversion.
%%
:fry: 1. vi. To fail.  Said especially of smoke-producing hardware
   failures.  More generally, to become non-working.  Usage: never
   said of software, only of hardware and humans.  See {fried},
   {magic smoke}.  2. vt. To cause to fail; to {roach}, {toast},
   or {hose} a piece of hardware.  Never used of software or humans,
   but compare {fried}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FSE: Fake Serious Error
%%
FS: Feign Sleep
%%
F-Shock: discovering, after having a flash photo, that you are albino.
%%
FSM: Fold, Spindle and Mutilate
%%
FSRA: Forms Skip and Run Away
%%
FSR: Form Skip and Runaway
%%
FSU-28  UM-10; FSU-33  UF-21: State Football Champions of Florida `93
%%
FSU Seminoles -- 1992, 1993 ACC Football Champions!!!!!!!
%%
FSU Seminoles -- 1993 National Collegiate Football Champions!!!!!!!!
%%
FSU Seminoles -- 1993 Orange Bowl Champions!!!!!!!!
%%
FSU Seminoles -- 1993 State University Football Champions!!!!!!!
%%
ftar, awk, awk, yac, grep, go BERKELEY!
%%
:FTP: /F-T-P/, *not* /fit'ip/ 1. [techspeak] n. The File
   Transfer Protocol for transmitting files between systems on the
   Internet.  2. vt. To {beam} a file using the File Transfer
   Protocol.  3. Sometimes used as a generic even for file transfers
   not using {FTP}.  "Lemme get a copy of "Wuthering
   Heights" ftp'd from uunet."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FUBAR -- military term which describes Clinton's foreign policy.
%%
:FUBAR: n. The Failed UniBus Address Register in a VAX.  A good
   example of how jargon can occasionally be snuck past the {suit}s;
   see {foobar}, and {foo} for a fuller etymology.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FUBB -- Fouled Up Beyond Belief
%%
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
%%
Fuckin' A!   Purple Haze!!!
 -- Louie Gonzalez, Geometry class, 1973
%%
:fuck me harder: excl. Sometimes uttered in response to egregious
   misbehavior, esp. in software, and esp. of misbehaviors which
   seem unfairly persistent (as though designed in by the imp of the
   perverse).  Often theatrically elaborated: "Aiighhh! Fuck me with
   a piledriver and 16 feet of curare-tipped wrought-iron fence
   *and no lubricants*!" The phrase is sometimes heard
   abbreviated `FMH' in polite company.

   [This entry is an extreme example of the hackish habit of coining
   elaborate and evocative terms for lossage. Here we see a quite
   self-conscious parody of mainstream expletives that has become a
   running gag in part of the hacker culture; it illustrates the
   hackish tendency to turn any situation, even one of extreme
   frustration, into an intellectual game (the point being, in this
   case, to creatively produce a long-winded description of the
   most anatomically absurd mental image possible --- the short forms
   implicitly allude to all the ridiculous long forms ever spoken).
   Scatological language is actually relatively uncommon among
   hackers, and there was some controversy over whether this entry
   ought to be included at all.  As it reflects a live usage
   recognizably peculiar to the hacker culture, we feel it is
   in the hackish spirit of truthfulness and opposition to all
   forms of censorship to record it here. --- ESR & GLS]
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FUCK
  You've just been waiting for this definition, haven't you. Here is
  how to use the word 'fuck' in almost any conversation.
      NORMAL EXPRESSION                            FUCKING EXPRESSION
      ---------------------                        ------------------
      I am surprised                               Well, fuck me
      Please go away quickly                       Fuck off
      My condition is one of fatigue               I'm fucked
      You seem to have made an error of judgement  You fucked up
      Stop engaging in frivolous activities        Stop fucking about
      He is a person of below average intellect    What a dumb fucker
      That option is not a suitable choice         Fuck that
      I have not made significant progress         I've done fuck all
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
%%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmng.
%%
f u cn rd ths, u cnt spl wrth a dm!
%%
f u cn rd ths, u r usng unx
%%
:FUD: /fuhd/ n. Defined by Gene Amdahl after he left IBM to found
   his own company: "FUD is the fear, uncertainty, and doubt that IBM
   sales people instill in the minds of potential customers who might
   be considering [Amdahl] products."  The idea, of course, was to
   persuade them to go with safe IBM gear rather than with
   competitors' equipment.  This implicit coercion was traditionally
   accomplished by promising that Good Things would happen to people
   who stuck with IBM, but Dark Shadows loomed over the future of
   competitors' equipment or software.  See {IBM}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:fudge: 1. vt. To perform in an incomplete but marginally acceptable
   way, particularly with respect to the writing of a program.  "I
   didn't feel like going through that pain and suffering, so I fudged
   it --- I'll fix it later."  2. n. The resulting code.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:fudge factor: n. A value or parameter that is varied in an ad hoc way
   to produce the desired result.  The terms `tolerance' and
   {slop} are also used, though these usually indicate a one-sided
   leeway, such as a buffer that is made larger than necessary
   because one isn't sure exactly how large it needs to be, and it is
   better to waste a little space than to lose completely for not
   having enough.  A fudge factor, on the other hand, can often be
   tweaked in more than one direction.  A good example is the `fuzz'
   typically allowed in floating-point calculations: two numbers being
   compared for equality must be allowed to differ by a small amount;
   if that amount is too small, a computation may never terminate,
   while if it is too large, results will be needlessly inaccurate.
   Fudge factors are frequently adjusted incorrectly by programmers
   who don't fully understand their import.  See also {coefficient
   of X}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fudge found in keyboard;  Delete children (Y/N)?
%%
:FUD wars: /fuhd worz/ n. [from {FUD}] Political posturing engaged in
   by hardware and software vendors ostensibly committed to
   standardization but actually willing to fragment the market to
   protect their own shares.  The UNIX International vs. OSF conflict
   is but one outstanding example.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:fuel up: vi. To eat or drink hurriedly in order to get back to
   hacking.  "Food-p?"  "Yeah, let's fuel up."  "Time for a
   {great-wall}!"  See also {{oriental food}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine.
%%
F u kin reed this, thank a teechor.
%%
Full bravely hast thou fleshed
Thy maiden sword.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
Full fathom five thy father lies;
  Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
  Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Full links byte.
%%
Full little knowest thou that hast not tride,
What hell it is in suing long to bide:
To loose good dayes, that might be better spent;
To wast long nights in pensive discontent;
To speed to-day, to be put back to-morrow;
To feed on hope, to pine with feare and sorrow.

To fret thy soule with crosses and with cares;
To eate thy heart through comfortlesse dispaires;
To fawne, to crowche, to waite, to ride, to ronne,
To spend, to give, to want, to be undonne.
Unhappie wight, borne to desastrous end,
That doth his life in so long tendance spend!
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- Mother Hubberds Tale, Line 895
%%
Full many a gem of purest ray serene
  The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear;
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
  And waste its sweetness on the desert air.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 14
%%
Full many a glorious morning have I seen.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- Sonnet xxxiii
%%
Full moon risen and my fever is high.
 -- Eagles
%%
Full Moon: Seymour Buns
%%
Full nakedness! All joyes are due to thee,
As souls unbodied, bodies uncloth'd must be
To taste whole joyes.
 -- John Donne, "Elegie XIX"
%%
Full retro-thrust and ten degrees starboard!!! (Or, something....)
%%
Full throttle, dry tank.
%%
Full wise is he that can himselven knowe.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Monkes Tale, Line 1449
%%
Fully compatable with everything, past, present, or future.
%%
Fulton County Disaster Coordinator
 -- On a government issue car
%%
Ful wel she sange the service devine,
Entuned in hire nose ful swetely;
And Frenche she spake ful fayre and fetisly,
After the scole of Stratford atte bowe,
For Frenche of Paris was to hire unknowe.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 122
%%
:fum: [XEROX PARC] n. At PARC, often the third of the standard
   {metasyntactic variable}s (after {foo} and {bar}).  Competes
   with {baz}, which is more common outside PARC.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Functionality; All the Functionality; And nothing but the Functionality.
 -- Beck's Motto
%%
function of art is to edit nature and so to make it coherent
and lovely. The artist is a sort of impassioned proofreader, blue-penciling
the bad spelling of God.
%%
Function point analysis
 cost modelling a program by what it won't do,
 rather than by how big it won't be
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
Fundamentalism:  an effective form of mirth control.
%%
Fundamentalism:  Fund (give cash); amentalism (without brains).
%%
Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind.
%%
Fundamentalist libraries only need shelf space for one book.
%%
Fundamentalist:  One who's mental and wants your funds.
%%
Fundamentalists are to Christianity what paint-by-numbers is to art.
 -- Robin Tyler
%%
Fundamentalists, fanatics and nuts...oh my!
%%
Fundies and Undies.  Neither should air in public.
%%
FUNERAL, n.  A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by
enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure
that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

    The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse
    To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
    Our friends expire -- we make the money fly
    In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.
                                                            Jex Wopley
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Funeral services were held this week for 82-year-old chewing-gum magnate
 Philip K. Wrigley. In keeping with his last request, Wrigley's remains will
 be stuck to the bottom of a luncheonette counter.
 -- Jane Curtin
%%
Fun, fun, fun, til her daddy takes her Blue Wave away!
%%
Fun? FUN? What "fun?" I'm a Sysop!
%%
Fungi: the life of the party.
%%
Fungus trellis
 -- "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"
%%
Fun is a good thing but only when it spoils nothing better.
 -- George Santayana (1863-1952), The Sense of Beauty (1896) "The Comic"
%%
Fun is flaming people who post stupid questions.
%%
Fun is just point of view.
%%
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
FUNK OFF!
%%
:funky: adj. Said of something that functions, but in a slightly
   strange, klugey way.  It does the job and would be difficult to
   change, so its obvious non-optimality is left alone.  Often used to
   describe interfaces.  The more bugs something has that nobody has
   bothered to fix because workarounds are easier, the funkier it is.
   {TECO} and UUCP are funky.  The Intel i860's exception handling is
   extraordinarily funky.  Most standards acquire funkiness as they
   age.  "The new mailer is installed, but is still somewhat funky;
   if it bounces your mail for no reason, try resubmitting it."
   "This UART is pretty funky.  The data ready line is active-high in
   interrupt mode and active-low in DMA mode."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Funnier than Johnny Carson, but then again, who isn't?
%%
Funny, everyone who agrees with me sounds so sensible.
%%
"Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse
it suddenly does."
 -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Funny how life imitates LSD.
%%
Funny how these things always happen to me?!?!
%%
Funny how two people can see the same event differently.
%%
Funny, I don't remember being absentminded.
%%
Funny, I don't remember inviting you to this conversation.
%%
Funny, I just knew you were going to say that.
%%
:funny money: n. 1. Notional `dollar' units of computing time
   and/or storage handed to students at the beginning of a computer
   course; also called `play money' or `purple money' (in implicit
   opposition to real or `green' money).  In New Zealand and Germany
   the odd usage `paper money' has been recorded; in Germany, the
   particularly amusing synonym `transfer ruble' commemmorates the
   funny money used for trade between COMECON countries back when the
   Soviet Bloc still existed.  When your funny money ran out, your
   account froze and you needed to go to a professor to get more.
   Fortunately, the plunging cost of timesharing cycles has made this
   less common.  The amounts allocated were almost invariably too
   small, even for the non-hackers who wanted to slide by with minimum
   work.  In extreme cases, the practice led to small-scale black
   markets in bootlegged computer accounts.  2. By extension, phantom
   money or quantity tickets of any kind used as a resource-allocation
   hack within a system.  Antonym: `real money'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Funny noises are not funny.
%%
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
%%
Funny...These cookies taste nothing like Girl Scouts...
%%
Funny thing about being a parent.  There aren't any tech manuals;
  no quick readouts to get you through the next set of variables.
 -- Kyle Riker, "The Icarus Factor,"  stardate 42686.4.
%%
"Funny thing about desire.  If it's not crude, it's not pure."
 -- Dr. Caligari
%%
Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
 -- Pick up line
%%
Funny you should use the word "taste"...
%%
 (Fun to leave on a friend's machine when he's away...  Sounds of
 raptuous sex:)  Hi.  Mike can't come to the phone right now
 because he's having sex.  If you leave your name and number,
 he'll get back with you in juuust a second.  (Male groan; female
 voice:)  That's it?
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Fun with Fertilizer will never make it as network show.
 -- Dan
%%
Furbling, v.:
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
even when you are the only person in line.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
 -- H. H. Williams
%%
:furrfu: // [USENET] excl. Written-only equivalent of
   "Sheesh!"; it is, in fact, "sheesh" modified by {rot13}.
   Evolved in mid-1992 as a response to notably silly postings
   repeating urban myths on the USENET newsgroup
   alt.folklore.urban, after some posters complained that
   "Sheesh!" as a response to {newbie}s was being overused.  See
   also {FOAF}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Furriers appreciate good beaver.
%%
Fur sail cheep, Windoze spill chekker, works grate.
%%
Further, higher, faster, onward, upward...
%%
Futility is futile.
%%
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
%%
Future, n.  That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our
friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
FUTURISTIC .......... It will only run on the next generation super-computer
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
                              ,+*~~*+___+++_
                         ,*~~~~              )
                      _+*                     ~**+_
        _+~~*+_    (     ,+*~ ~          \+_        )
       {       )  (    ,(    ,_+--+--,      ~)      ~\
      { (@)    } f   ,(  ,+-~ __*_*_  ~~\_   ~\       )
     {:;-/    (_+*-+~~~~~+*+*<_ _++_)_    )    )      /
    ( /  (    (        ,___    ~*+_+* )   <    <      \
     U _/     )    *--<  ) ~\-----++__)   )    )       )
      (      )  _(~)~~))  )  )\~~~~~))~*+/    /       /
    (      /  (_))_~)) )  )  ))~~~~~))~~~)__/     +~~
   (     ,/    (~))~))  )  ) ))~~~~~~~))~~)       _)
    *+__+*       (_))~)  ) ) ))~~~~~~))~~~~~)____*~
    \             \_)~)_)) ))~~~~~~~~~~))~~~~)
     (_             ~\__~~~~~~~~~~~~))~~~~~~~)
       ~\___            ~\__~~~~~~))~~~~~~~~)\\
            ~~~~~\uuu/~~\uuu/~~~~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\
               ___) >____) >___   ~\_\_\_\_\_\_\)
              ~~~//\\_~~//\\_~       ~(\_\_\_\)
                ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~
%%
:fuzzball: [TCP/IP hackers] n. A DEC LSI-11 running a particular
   suite of homebrewed software written by Dave Mills and assorted
   co-conspirators, used in the early 1980s for Internet protocol
   testbedding and experimentation.  These were used as NSFnet
   backbone sites in its early 56KB-line days; a few are still active
   on the Internet as of early 1991, doing odd jobs such as network
   time service.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Fuzzy Logic:  A Vulcan contemplating a tribble.
%%
Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the actual costs.
 -- Golub's First Law of Computerdom
%%
Fuzzy theorists both do it and don't do it.
%%
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he?
%%
Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear.
%%
F:      When into a room I plunge, I
  Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
     Then I linger, darkly brooding
        On the poison they're exuding.
 -- The Roguelet's ABC
%%
F x S = k.  The product of freedom and security is a constant.
%%
FYBR: Follow Yellow Brick Road
%%
Ga'ach is always best when served live!
 -- Klag
%%
Gaakk..it's not just for breakfast anymore!
%%
:gabriel: /gay'bree-*l/ [for Dick Gabriel, SAIL LISP hacker and
   volleyball fanatic] n. An unnecessary (in the opinion of the
   opponent) stalling tactic, e.g., tying one's shoelaces or combing
   one's hair repeatedly, asking the time, etc.  Also used to refer to
   the perpetrator of such tactics.  Also, `pulling a Gabriel',
   `Gabriel mode'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GAD, a refugee from AUTORACE.....!
%%
:gag: vi. Equivalent to {choke}, but connotes more disgust. "Hey,
   this is FORTRAN code.  No wonder the C compiler gagged."  See also
   {barf}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gain not base gains; base gains are the same as losses.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 353
%%
Galactic Hitch Hiker.
%%
Galactic Intelligence Test #1. Avoid contact with humans.
%%
Galactic ticket inspectors?   Oh, I could murder a cup of tea.
 -- Sarah, The Time Warrior
%%
GALAHAD:   Camelot ...
LAUNCELOT: Camelot ...
GAWAIN:    It's only a model.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
   GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it.  As he leaves the room
   we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
   and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful.  They smile
   enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
   the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
GIRLS:   Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
GALAHAD: No look, really, this isn't nescess ...
PIGLET:  We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with ... that.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
GALAHAD: No, please.  Please! I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred.
GIRLS:   He will beat us easily.  We haven't a chance.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
   GALAHAD turns back.  We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
   smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
   around in the seductively poulticed room.  They look at him smilingly and
   wave.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Gallantry consists in saying the most empty things in an agreeable manner.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
GALLOWS, n.  A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which
the leading actor is translated to heaven.  In this country the
gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.

    Whether on the gallows high
        Or where blood flows the reddest,
    The noblest place for man to die --
        Is where he died the deadest.
                                                            (Old play)
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gallup Poll: Kim 3%, Jean 2%, Audrey .5% Anyone else: 94.5%
%%
Gamblers do it on a hunch.
%%
Gamblers do it with a kidde (kitty).
%%
Gamblers take heart! Capital gains tax is over.
%%
Gambling: Monty Carlos
%%
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
Game Blaster is NOT Adlib compatible.
%%
Game is an ill you may with ease obtain, A sad oppression to be born
with pain; And when you would the noisy clamor drown, You'll find
it hard to lay the burden down.
 -- Cooke
%%
Game Operations Direct or
%%
Gaming is the son of avarice, but the father of despair.
%%
:gang bang: n. The use of large numbers of loosely coupled
   programmers in an attempt to wedge a great many features into a
   product in a short time.  Though there have been memorable gang
   bangs (e.g., that over-the-weekend assembler port mentioned in
   Steven Levy's "Hackers"), most are perpetrated by large
   companies trying to meet deadlines; the inevitable result is
   enormous buggy masses of code entirely lacking in
   {orthogonal}ity.  When market-driven managers make a list of all
   the features the competition has and assign one programmer to
   implement each, the probability of maintaining a coherent (or even
   functional) design goes infinitesimal.  See also {firefighting},
   {Mongolian Hordes technique}, {Conway's Law}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gang of Nine:
 Originally the Gang of None, this is a group of 100+ coming-of-age
 companies marked by their new-found willingness to tell IBM jokes in
 public, their unwillingness to pay IBM bus royalties. Answer: EISA,
 MCA, and Greyhound. Question: name two dogs and a bus.
%%
Gang:  Poorly financed football teams
%%
Gangway!: Hedda Steam
%%
GAP: Grade All Projects
%%
Garage mechanic to customer: There's nothing mechanically wrong with
your car, sir- it's just an underachiever.
 -- David Brown
%%
:garbage collect: vi. (also `garbage collection', n.) See {GC}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Garbage in, gospel out.
 -- Manual Writer's Creed
%%
Garbagemen come once a week.
%%
Garcon! Take this grenade to the chef- very quickly, please.
%%
Garcon! Three glasses of water. Make them doubles. <The Doctor<
%%
GARDEN;BOTAN;FLOWER;TREE
%%
Gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
%%
GARDENERS do it by trimming your bush
%%
Gardeners do it in bed.
%%
Gardeners do it on the bushes.
%%
GARDENERS do it twice a year and then mulch it.
%%
Gardeners have 50 foot hoses.
%%
Gardening: A labor that begins with daybreak and ends with backbreak.
%%
GARDENING TIP
  Install a bird feeding post. This will-
    - support the local bird population
    - get rid of those pesky slugs naturally, but most of all
    - save on cat food
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Gardening with Bill Clinton:  From Weed to Flowers.
%%
Gardening With The Ex-President: Rose Bush
%%
GARDEN
  The garden is where all the nasty bugs and insects that you see on
  those wildlife documentaries are. A succession of features on
  spiders, ants, bees and wasps, all filmed using really expensive
  lenses, have left me scared shitless of the slightest bit of
  greenery. I've even been giving the plastic Christmas tree some
  funny looks. Are those sparkly things meant to be on it? Tinsel,
  eh? What genus is that?
      I'm not sure why David Attenborough et al are convinced that we
  need to see a giant 17 inch Huntsman crawling across our screen to
  devour another garden inhabitant. Lucky we haven't got a bigger
  telly. And why do those programmes always concentrate on only two
  events in the species' day? Humping and eating. Don't they get to
  do anything else? Imagine what would happen in a documentary about
  humans. All we get to see is your average human eating Maccas,
  doing the mating dance in the nightclub, followed by the quick
  grope back at his place. It wouldn't exactly cover the full gamut
  of human existence, would it?
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Garfield was assassinated. Shot by a disappointed office seeker, right?
 Don't they always say that same sentence? It's crazy. Every time you read
 his name: James Abram Garfield: "Shot by a disappointed office seeker."
 That's all they can think of what he did in his short term of office. You
 look in the Encyclopaedia Britannica under Garfield, James Abram. It says,
 "See Office seeker, disappointed."
 -- Robert Klein
%%
Garfle, ni belquont; delberpho wifniel!
%%
Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
%%
GARGOYLE, n.  A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval
buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some
personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building.  This was
especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures
generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery
of local heretics and controversialists.  Sometimes when a new dean
and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others
substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the
new incumbents.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Garlic gum is not funny.
%%
Garlic is good for you!
%%
Garlic?  Mama mia!  Have you got the wrong vampire!
%%
Garmites:  Clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home.
%%
:garply: /gar'plee/ [Stanford] n. Another metasyntactic variable (see
   {foo}); once popular among SAIL hackers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gars auld claes look amaist as weel 's the new.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Cotter's Saturday Night
%%
GARTHER, n.  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out
of her stockings and desolating the country.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gary L. Anderson, Congressman (N.Y.), was an Eagle Scout.
%%
Gary Larson for President!
%%
Gary Trudeau for President!
%%
:gas: [as in `gas chamber'] 1. interj. A term of disgust and
   hatred, implying that gas should be dispensed in generous
   quantities, thereby exterminating the source of irritation.  "Some
   loser just reloaded the system for no reason!  Gas!"  2. interj. A
   suggestion that someone or something ought to be flushed out of
   mercy.  "The system's getting {wedged} every few minutes.
   Gas!"  3. vt.  To {flush} (sense 1).  "You should gas that old
   crufty software."  4. [IBM] n. Dead space in nonsequentially
   organized files that was occupied by data that has since been
   deleted; the compression operation that removes it is called
   `degassing' (by analogy, perhaps, with the use of the same term
   in vacuum technology).  5. [IBM] n. Empty space on a disk that has
   been clandestinely allocated against future need.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:gaseous: adj. Deserving of being {gas}sed.  Disseminated by
   Geoff Goodfellow while at SRI; became particularly popular after
   the Moscone-Milk killings in San Francisco, when it was learned
   that the defendant Dan White (a politician who had supported
   Proposition 7) would get the gas chamber under Proposition 7 if
   convicted of first-degree murder (he was eventually convicted of
   manslaughter).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gashed with honourable scars,
  Low in Glory's lap they lie;
Though they fell, they fell like stars,
  Streaming splendour through the sky.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The Battle of Alexandria
%%
"Gas Leaks" by Hugh Jass
%%
Gas Mask must be worn within 50 foot radius of this message.
%%
Gasoline and a match really can make a cat go WHOOOOFFF!
%%
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
%%
Gasp, someone else got thru the busy signal!
%%
Gas station attendants are hired based on their lack of knowledge
regarding directions.
%%
Gas station attendants pump all day.
%%
GAS
  What liquid turns into if you boil it. The basis for Kernigan's
  Third Law. Kernigan's Five Laws of children's science TV programmes
  are as follows:
     1) Dried ice is interesting
     2) An egg can fit through a milkbottle
     3) Steam looks good and is cheap to make
     4) Mirrors never fail to delight
     5) Magnets the compass maketh
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
GAT d-- -p+ c++(+++)
 l- u+(++) e++(*) m+
 s-/+ n+ h f* g+ w+ t+
 r+ !y
%%
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
%%
Gather 'round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
%%
Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.
 -- New Testament
 -- John vi, 12
%%
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
  Old Time is still a-flying,
And this same flower that smiles to-day
  To-morrow will be dying.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- To the Virgins to make much of Time
%%
Gather your moss before you roll stones.
%%
Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
 -- Adventures of Asterix.
%%
Gauzepressions: the gray sticky outline left behind by any bandage.
%%
Gave
His body to that pleasant country's earth,
And his pure soul unto his captain Christ,
Under whose colours he had fought so long.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
%%
GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.
%%
Gay Female Spies:  Lesbianage.
%%
Gay hope is theirs by fancy fed,
  Less pleasing when possest;
The tear forgot as soon as shed,
  The sunshine of the breast.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- On a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Stanza 5
%%
Gay: If sh!t happens, decorate it.
%%
Gay Lingo: To be "Outed" is to have another proclaim that you are gay.
%%
Gay Lingo: To "Come out of the closet" is to proclaim that you are gay.
%%
Gayly the troubadour
  Touched his guitar.
 -- Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839)
 -- Welcome me Home
%%
Gay militant left-handed Irish accountants are now after Ross Perot!
%%
Gays don't recruit, but Christians sure as Hell do!
%%
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
%%
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
think not, my friend, I think not.
 -- Arthur Naiman
%%
GBB: Go to Back of Bus
%%
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
 secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
 'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
 And that's your chance, my boy."
%%
GC2.1 d--- H s-:- g++ p? au-- a- w+++ v* C+++ U[A-z]+++$
P+++ L+++ 3- E? N+++  K-- !W M V++ po Y++ M !t !5 !j R- G
!tv b !D B- e+++ u+ h+ f r n-- y+
%%
GCAR: Get Correct Answer Regardless
%%
GCC 2.0 is to C as SVR4 is to Unix.
%%
gcc   -- What C was meant to be.
%%
:GC: /G-C/ [from LISP terminology; `Garbage Collect']
   1. vt. To clean up and throw away useless things.  "I think I'll
   GC the top of my desk today."  When said of files, this is
   equivalent to {GFR}.  2. vt. To recycle, reclaim, or put to
   another use.  3. n. An instantiation of the garbage collector
   process.

   `Garbage collection' is computer-science techspeak for a
   particular class of strategies for dynamically but transparently
   reallocating computer memory (i.e., without requiring explicit
   allocation and deallocation by higher-level software).  One such
   strategy involves periodically scanning all the data in memory and
   determining what is no longer accessible; useless data items are
   then discarded so that the memory they occupy can be recycled and
   used for another purpose.  Implementations of the LISP language
   usually use garbage collection.

   In jargon, the full phrase is sometimes heard but the {abbrev} is
   more frequently used because it is shorter.  Note that there is an
   ambiguity in usage that has to be resolved by context: "I'm going
   to garbage-collect my desk" usually means to clean out the
   drawers, but it could also mean to throw away or recycle the desk
   itself.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:GCOS:: /jee'kohs/ n. A {quick-and-dirty} {clone} of
   System/360 DOS that emerged from GE around 1970; originally called
   GECOS (the General Electric Comprehensive Operating System).  Later
   kluged to support primitive timesharing and transaction processing.
   After the buyout of GE's computer division by Honeywell, the name
   was changed to General Comprehensive Operating System (GCOS).
   Other OS groups at Honeywell began referring to it as `God's Chosen
   Operating System', allegedly in reaction to the GCOS crowd's
   uninformed and snotty attitude about the superiority of their
   product.  All this might be of zero interest, except for two facts:
   (1) The GCOS people won the political war, and this led in the
   orphaning and eventual death of Honeywell {{Multics}}, and
   (2) GECOS/GCOS left one permanent mark on UNIX.  Some early UNIX
   systems at Bell Labs used GCOS machines for print spooling and
   various other services; the field added to `/etc/passwd' to
   carry GCOS ID information was called the `GECOS field' and
   survives today as the `pw_gecos' member used for the user's
   full name and other human-ID information.  GCOS later played a
   major role in keeping Honeywell a dismal also-ran in the mainframe
   market, and was itself ditched for UNIX in the late 1980s when
   Honeywell retired its aging {big iron} designs.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GCR: Generate Confusing Results
%%
GCS d H- s:+>s g+(!) p1 au+ a29 w+ v+(?) C++ ULSX++++$ P+++ L++ 3- E N++ K---
     W M+ V-- -po+ Y+ t+ 5+ j- R+++(+) G''' tv b !D B- e+ u* h- f r++ n+ y+
%%
G_C_U Trek:  The Text Generation...
%%
GCV 2.1 GAT/M/CS d--(-+) H-- s++:-- g+ p? !au a-(?) w+++ v+ C+++$
UVS++++$ P+>+++ L- 3+++ E-(++) N++ K W--- M+ V-- -po+(+) Y+ t+
!5>++ jx R+ G? !tv b+++ D++ B e+ u--(**) h- f+(*) r n- !y
%%
G'day, Bruce! Oh, Hello Bruce! How are you Bruce?
%%
GDP: Grin Defiantly at Programmer
%%
GDR: Grab Degree and Run
%%
Gee! And some jerk said my TAGLINES weren't real too....
%%
     Gee, but I'd like to be a G-Man / And go Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
       Just like Dick Tracy, what a he-man / And go Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
        I'd do as I please, act high-handed and regal
      'Cause when you're a G-Man there's nothing illegal.
 -- Harold Rome, from The G-Man Song,1937
%%
"Gee, Dad.  You must really love us to sink *THIS* low."
 -- Bart to Homer in "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire", from The Simpsons
%%
:geef: v. [ostensibly from `gefingerpoken'] vt. Syn. {mung}.  See
   also {blinkenlights}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
 my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Gee, if I'd been stillborn, I'd have missed all this fun.
%%
Gee, it's too bad you're going to die tonight.
%%
Gee, I wonder what this key does.
%%
:geek out: vi. To temporarily enter techno-nerd mode while in a
   non-hackish context, for example at parties held near computer
   equipment.  Especially used when you need to do or say something
   highly technical and don't have time to explain: "Pardon me while
   I geek out for a moment."  See {computer geek}; see also
   {propeller head}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Geeks bearing GIFs?  Beware GIFs baring Geeks!
%%
'Geek' used to be a four-letter word.  Now it's a six-figure one.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
Gee, Mr. Wizard! Aren't nuclear reactors dangerous?
%%
        Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you.
      Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?
      Only to ten, Mudhead.

 -- Firesign Theater
%%
Gee officer, I just wondered how fast SPEED READ was.
%%
Gee! Slow day on the nets ... only 1,100 messages to read!
%%
Gee that bastard smells. No wonder they call him Pooh.
 -- Chris Robin.
%%
Gee, there must be hundreds of em!
 -- Carl Sagan
%%
"Gee, this is pretty good for slop!"
 -- Gourmet advice from JONNY QUEST
%%
Gee, Ward, weren't you kind of hard on the Beaver last night?
%%
Gee whiz, Madonna, what a neat concert! (barf)
%%
Gee Wiz, I didn't know DOS is that stupid!
%%
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
 -- Pick up line
%%
>   Gee, you guys are all way ahead of me!  I'm still here trying to figure
>   out the 4x1x1 Rubik's String.

And me! I'm going berzerk trying to figure out the 1x1x1 Rubik's
spot...
Maybe if I squeeze it harder on this side...

 -- [e-mail] -*- [e-mail]
%%
Gee, your mom *looks* normal.
%%
Geez if you belive in honkus.
%%
Geez, It's Hot!: Mike Hammeldyed
%%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
    Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
%%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
 You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
 are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
 little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
 incest.
%%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are very exuberant and enjoy expressing yourself.  Your friends
think of you as a busy-body and a bore.  You brag about your
versatility but down deep you know you can do nothing well.  Most
Geminis are unemployed.
%%
Gender feminizts are statistically impaired.
%%
Gender feminizts lack gender.
%%
:gender mender: n. A cable connector shell with either two male or
   two female connectors on it, used to correct the mismatches that
   result when some {loser} didn't understand the RS232C
   specification and the distinction between DTE and DCE.  Used
   esp. for RS-232C parts in either the original D-25 or the
   IBM PC's bogus D-9 format.  Also called `gender bender',
   `gender blender', `sex changer', and even `homosexual
   adapter'; however, there appears to be some confusion as to whether
   a `male homosexual adapter' has pins on both sides (is doubly
   male) or sockets on both sides (connects two males).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Genderplex, n.:
       The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
tortoises).
 -- Rich Hall, Sniglets
%%
Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
%%
GENEALOGISTS do it in the library.
%%
Genealogy: Looking for bones in the closet.
%%
GENEALOGY, n.  An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did
not particularly care to trace his own.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Genealogy. Tracing descent from someone who didn't.
%%
Genealogy: tracing us back to the same brother and sister.
%%
Geneology: chasing your own tale.
%%
Gene police... You!  Out of the pool.
%%
General, a machine becomes human when you can't
tell the difference."
 -- From DARYL
%%
:General Appearance:

Intelligent.  Scruffy.  Intense.  Abstracted.  Surprisingly for a
sedentary profession, more hackers run to skinny than fat; both
extremes are more common than elsewhere.  Tans are rare.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
General Brain Failure.  (A)bort, (R)e-fry, (I)nsert, (L)abotomy
%%
General Brain Failure.  (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (O)h, sheesh!
%%
General Custer:
Look at all those f%*king Indians
 -- Famous people swearing...
%%
General David Dinkens is a closet ditto-head!
%%
General Error Reading Drive A: Please Insert 25 Cents.
%%
General failure error reading drive A:  Please remove your fist.
%%
General Failure reading John Dvorak
%%
Generalizations (as a rule) are bad.
%%
Generalizedness of incompetence varies directly with highestness in hierarchy.
 -- Godin's Law
%%
 GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:  Describe in detail.  Be objective and
 specific.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
Generally, an expert is a person who can shower bucketfuls of utter
 confusion on complete simplicity.
%%
Generally he perceived in men of devout simplicity this opinion:
that the secrets of nature were the secrets of God, part of that
glory into which man is not to press too boldly.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
Generally, people will be more forcefully in opposition to the fluoridation
 of the water, if they have false teeth.
%%
Generally the officers of the army were indifferent whether the annexation
[of Texas] was consummated or not; but not so all of them.  For myself,
I was bitterly opposed to the measure, and to this day regard the
war, which resulted, as one of the most unjust ever waged by a stronger
against a weaker nation.  It was an instance of a republic following
the bad example of European monarchies, in not considering justice
in their desire to acquire additional territory.
 -- Ulysses S. Grant, Personal Memoirs, 1885
%%
Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we
disbelieve we call theories.
 -- Felix Cohen
%%
:General Public Virus: n. Pejorative name for some versions of the
   {GNU} project {copyleft} or General Public License (GPL), which
   requires that any tools or {app}s incorporating copylefted code
   must be source-distributed on the same counter-commercial terms as
   GNU stuff.  Thus it is alleged that the copyleft `infects' software
   generated with GNU tools, which may in turn infect other software
   that reuses any of its code.  The Free Software Foundation's
   official position as of January 1991 is that copyright law limits
   the scope of the GPL to "programs textually incorporating
   significant amounts of GNU code", and that the `infection' is not
   passed on to third parties unless actual GNU source is transmitted
   (as in, for example, use of the Bison parser skeleton).
   Nevertheless, widespread suspicion that the {copyleft} language
   is `boobytrapped' has caused many developers to avoid using GNU
   tools and the GPL.  Recent (July 1991) changes in the language of
   the version 2.00 license may eliminate this problem.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
General Ripper may have exceeded his authority!
%%
Generals have something to do with the stars.
%%
General stupidity error reading drive C.
%%
General, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.
%%
:generate: vt. To produce something according to an algorithm or
   program or set of rules, or as a (possibly unintended) side effect
   of the execution of an algorithm or program.  The opposite of
   {parse}.  This term retains its mechanistic connotations (though
   often humorously) when used of human behavior.  "The guy is
   rational most of the time, but mention nuclear energy around him
   and he'll generate {infinite} flamage."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GENERATION, OLDER
  The people that don't understand you.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
GENERATION, YOUNGER
  The people that you don't understand.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Generic Brown Label Tagline
%%
Generic CADD goes Geriatric CADD?
%%
Generic Industry Standard Tagline
%%
Generic Tagline v5: []Flame Moderator  []Flame Sysop  [X]Flame user.
%%
Generic Tagline v 6.01
%%
Gene Roddenbery (1921-1991) Shakka, when the walls fell.
%%
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
%%
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
You've given away every perfect thing you've ever had.
%%
Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.
 -- Kahlil Gibran
%%
GENEROUS, adj.  Originally this word meant noble by birth and was
rightly applied to a great multitude of persons.  It now means noble
by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Genetically perfect but morally crippled.
%%
Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been
   doing informally all along.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
%%
Genetics: proof that God gambles. Clinton: proof He lost!
%%
Genetists do it with sick genes.
%%
GEnie Address  G.EHRICH
%%
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
%%
Genitalia is NOT an Italian airline!
%%
Genital:  Non-Jewish...
%%
GENITALS
  The bits of the body that are used specifically for rude purposes.
  They come in varying shapes and sizes, and are used in varying
  ways. Please don't expect a detailed biological examination of
  these most enormously complex body parts, or even a cheap joke
  about the size of penises.
      However, as a tribute to the late, great, Mario Innuendo, from
  here, we will substitute the word "the" with the word "penis" in
  capital letters for the remainder of this TCWF. Nah, on second
  thoughts...
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.
  You can't simply say, "Today I will be brilliant."
 -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3
%%
Geniuses write taglines.  Idiots read them.
%%
Genius, in one respect, is like gold: a number of persons are constantly
writing about both, who have neither.
%%
Genius is born, not paid.
%%
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.
 -- Thomas Alva Edison, "Life", 1932
%%
Genius is patience.
%%
Genius is perseverence in disguise.
%%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%%
Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
%%
Genius is the highest type of reason, talent the highest type of understanding.
%%
Genius is the power of lighting one's own fire.
%%
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
%%
Genius, like magic, is inexplicable.
%%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Genius means little more than the faculty of perceiving in an unhabitual way.
%%
Genius might be described as a supreme capacity
for getting it's possessors into trouble of all kinds.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes
with "bright"
%%
Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the answers.
 -- Robert Graves
%%
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
:gen: /jen/ n.,v. Short for {generate}, used frequently in both spoken
   and written contexts.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gennifer Flowers for second lady!
%%
Gennifer Flowers for Secretary of State.
%%
Genny:  You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
Cat:    Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
Genny:  Do you know what I'd really like?
Cat:    Hmm?
Genny:  I'd really like to make love to a guy like you.
Cat:    Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.  Let's see,
       er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time?
Genny:  Nothing I couldn't cancel. (licks teeth)
Cat:    Hi, I'm the Cat.
Genny:  Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant.
Cat:    Glad to know you ... Genny who?
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Polymorph'
%%
Genocide on shopkeepers is punishable.
%%
:gensym: /jen'sim/ [from MacLISP for `generated symbol']
   1. v.  To invent a new name for something temporary, in such a way
   that the name is almost certainly not in conflict with one already
   in use.  2. n.  The resulting name.  The canonical form of a gensym
   is `Gnnnn' where nnnn represents a number; any LISP hacker would
   recognize G0093 (for example) as a gensym.  3. A freshly generated
   data structure with a gensymmed name.  Gensymmed names are useful
   for storing or uniquely identifying crufties (see
   {cruft}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GENTEEL, adj.  Refined, after the fashion of a gent.

    Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:
    A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
    Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
    For dictionary makers are generally gents.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Genteel in personage,
Conduct, and equipage;
Noble by heritage,
Generous and free.
 -- Henry Carey (1663-1743)
 -- The Contrivances, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
GENT: GENerate Thesis
%%
Gentleman, include me out.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
%%
Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.
%%
Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
Gentlemen, START YOUR COMPUTERS!
%%
Gentlemen, start your debuggers!
%%
"Gentlemen!  This is a serious court proceeding, not a debating society
 for maladjusted psychotic sociopaths!"
 -- The Inquisitor
%%
Gentlemen! You can't fight in here; this is the war room!
 -- President Mercan Muffly, from Dr. Strangelove
%%
Gentle of speech, beneficent of mind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book iv, Line 917
%%
Genuine Exploding Tagline.   Acme Tagline Inc.
%%
Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the Internet.
 -- Karl Kleinpaste
%%
Genuine Ploduct. Made in Flance by Pielle Caldin-san.
%%
"Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood."
 -- T. S. Elliot
%%
Genuine religion is not so much a matter of feeling as a matter of principle.
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
Genuine status is a rare and precious jewel, and also rather easy to simulate.
 -- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
Genuine tagline -- don't be fooled by cheap imitations.
%%
Geochronologists will date any old thing.
%%
Geoff, Brett and Todd...the BO-DYNASTY!!!
%%
GEOGRAPHER, n.  A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between
the outside of the world and the inside.

    Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
    Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
    In passing thence along the river Zam
    To the adjacent village of Xelam,
    Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
    Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
    Then from exposure miserably died,
    And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
                                                        Henry Haukhorn
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Geographers do it around the world.
%%
GEOGRAPHERS do it everywhere
%%
Geographers do it globally.
%%
:Geographical Distribution:

In the United States, hackerdom revolves on a Bay Area-to-Boston axis;
about half of the hard core seems to live within a hundred miles of
Cambridge (Massachusetts) or Berkeley (California), although there are
significant contingents in Los Angeles, in the Pacific Northwest, and
around Washington DC.  Hackers tend to cluster around large cities,
especially `university towns' such as the Raleigh-Durham area in North
Carolina or Princeton, New Jersey (this may simply reflect the fact that
many are students or ex-students living near their alma maters).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Geography is everywhere.
%%
Geologist -- Fault finder
%%
Geologists are great explorers.
%%
Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards.
%%
Geologists do it in folded beds.
%%
Geologists do it to get their rocks off.
%%
Geologists know how to make the bedrock.
%%
Geologists take their rocks out and play with them.
%%
GEOLOGY, n.  The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless,
will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up
garrulous out of a well.  The geological formations of the globe
already noted are catalogued thus:  The Primary, or lower one,
consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools,
antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors.  The
Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles.  The Tertiary
comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy
boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage,
anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Geometers do it constructively.
%%
Geometer turned general - a sphereless leader.
%%
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
%%
Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.
%%
Geordi Burger: You need a special visor to be able to see it.
%%
Geordi's visor is taken or knocked off - drink!
%%
Geordi, tell me about...Tasha Yar.
 -- Guinan, "Yesterday's Enterprise", stardate 43625.2
%%
George Bush: 'A New World Odor!'
%%
George Bush is glad the John Tower thing has quieted down a good bit. Now,
 he won't have to answer any of those silly questions about " a thousand
 points of Bud light."
%%
George Bush of Borg: for a kinder, gentler assimilation.
%%
George Bush's '92 slogan:  "I promise, no new leadership!"
%%
George Bush shot JFK.
 -- Liberal history revision
%%
George Bush spelled sideways is O, he buggers
%%
George Bush:  The EDLIN of Presidents.
%%
George Bush was the Republican answer to Jimmy Carter.
%%
(George flouts a large cape and huge false moustache)
Well, what do you think?
...Are you ill or something?
 -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.
 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%%
George Orwell, in his vision of 1984, got it backward.
We do not have to fear Big Brother watching us on TV.
In times like these, we have to fear the effects of our watching
Big Brother.
 -- Mortimer B. Zuckerman
%%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%%
George Q. Enthalpy, little known physicist.
%%
George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes
  of you arriving, I'd finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee
  and cigars.
 -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
George was a great dunce, but no matter for that:  all men do not thrive in
the world according to their learning.
 -- Henry Fielding
%%
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments
of youth.  He could not even lie.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
George Washington, father of our country. George Washington, when he was
 just a child, just a boy, honesty was his trademark. The classic story we
 all remember was when George Washington's father came up to George and
 said, "George Washington--father of our country--my son--I want to ask you
 a question. Someone cut down the cherry tree." And George Washington,
 though he was just a youth, said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. It was I
 who cut down that cherry tree."

 And his father punched him in the mouth.

 Because George Washington cut down the cherry tree. And his father was in
 the cherry tree picking cherries!
 -- Tom Smothers
%%
    George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country.  Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
 -- The World According to Student Bloopers: Richard Lederer
%%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
 he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
 punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%%
George Washington said to his father, "If I never tell a lie, how can I get
 to be President?"
 -- Red Buttons
%%
George Washington's false teeth were made of whale bone.
%%
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
 -- Ashley Cooper
%%
Georgia REALLY sucks.
%%
Gerald Ford does it on his face.
%%
Gerald Ford was the only man who held both the Presidency and the
Vice-Presidency but who was not elected to either post.
%%
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America.
 Now he's unknown throughout the world.
%%
Gerald Greenwald, Chairman of Chrysler Motors, was an Eagle Scout.
%%
Geraldo: Genetic experiment gone bad?  Next on Oprah!
%%
Geraldo Rivera: Genetic experiment gone bad?
%%
Geraldo Rivera wants to do a live special about us, but we know better.
%%
Gerald R. Ford obtained his Eagle at the age of 14.
%%
Gerald R. Ford, U.S. President, was an Eagle Scout.
%%
Gerberglazing: Looking through stacks of someone else's baby pictures.
%%
Gerbil-jamming is safe--if you don't share gerbils
%%
German for bra-Holdsemfromfloppin.
%%
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using
 a sick bag on a 747.
%%
GERM
  Another of those tiny tiny organisms that you can't see, and often
  wonder if they haven't just been made up by scientists to hold
  together the fabric of society. Rumour has it that germs were
  simply designed to get you to wash your hands after going to the
  lav, to keep soap manufacturers in business.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
German Shepherd Pie
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
German word for constipation:  Farfrompoopin!
%%
German word for virgin:  "Gutentight"
%%
Geronimo!
You leap into the void.
Death peers over the edge and gazes quizzically at you....
'Bye-bye,' he says... 'We'll meet again.'
%%
Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
 helmet off.
%%
Geschichte ist die geistige Form, in der sich eine Kultur ueber ihre
Vergangenheit Rechenschaft gibt.
[transl.:] History is the mental/intellectual form, in which a culture
renders account of its past to itself.
 -- Johan Huizinga, (1872-1945)
 -- Ueber eine Definition des Begriffs 'Geschichte'. In: J.HUIZINGA:
Geschichte und Kultur. Stuttgart 1954, S. 13
%%
Geschichte ist [...] ein Dialog zwischen Gegenwart und Vergangenheit.
[re-transl.:] History is [...] a dialogue between the present and the past.
 -- Edward Hallet CARR,
 -- Was ist Geschichte?, S. 54
%%
Gesundheit!
%%
Gesundheit - The answer to the common cold
%%
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.  Use enough to
 get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
GET A CLUE. Cost. 50 cents!
%%
Get a free shuggoth is every bog of Sugar Coated Nyarlothopops!
%%
GET A HAIRCUT!
%%
Get a hat!  Get a hairy hat!
%%
GET A LIFE. Cost. 50 cents.
%%
:Get a life!: imp. Hacker-standard way of suggesting that the
   person to whom it is directed has succumbed to terminal geekdom
   (see {computer geek}).  Often heard on {USENET}, esp. as a
   way of suggesting that the target is taking some obscure issue of
   {theology} too seriously.  This exhortation was popularized by
   William Shatner on a "Saturday Night Live" episode in a
   speech that ended "Get a *life*!", but some respondents
   believe it to have been in use before then.  It was certainly in
   wide use among hackers for at least five years before achieving
   mainstream currency in early 1992.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Get a life?  Impossible, I'm a sysop.
%%
Get a life!
 -- Saturday Night Live
%%
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
 -- Frank Dane
%%
Get an Adlib?  Now THAT'S sound advice!
%%
Get a new car for your wife, if anybody will swap.
%%
Get a new lease on life, do you have the security deposit.
%%
Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.
%%
:Get a real computer!: imp. Typical hacker response to news that
   somebody is having trouble getting work done on a system that
   (a) is single-tasking, (b) has no hard disk, or (c) has an address
   space smaller than 16 megabytes.  This is as of mid-1993; note that
   the threshold for `real computer' rises with time, and it may
   well be (for example) that machines with character-only displays
   will be generally considered `unreal' in a few years (GLS points
   out that they already are in some circles).  See {bitty box} and
   {toy}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Get a shot off FAST! This upsets him long enough to let you make
your second shot perfect.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
Get a taste of censorship. Bite a feminizt!
%%
Get a taste of religion. Bite a nun!
%%
Get a taste of religion. Bite a preacher!
%%
Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch!
%%
Get a USR It leaves the others behind.
%%
Get away from her you bitch!
 -- Ripley, "Aliens"
%%
Get back at your enemies, make them Sysops!
%%
Get back to work!
%%
Get back to your stations!
We're beaming down to the planet, sir.
 -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3
%%
Get caught in a lie? Deny you ever said it!
 -- Liberal Rule # 5
%%
Get down and Modem the night away!
%%
Get down off your high horse. It's dangerous to ride an animal who's
been ingesting controlled substances.
%%
Get even - Tax the politicians!
%%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%%
                        Get GUMMed
                    --- ------
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include Everything You Know is
Wrong, led by Tom Kempson, Batman or Cat:man? led by Richie Dennis
cc C? Si! Si! led by Kerwin Bernighan, and Document Unix, Are You
Kidding? led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
%%
Get gun.  Shoot computer.  Turn off lights...
%%
Get High, Get Stupid, Buy Clinton Lies 1-800-2-INHALE
%%
Get high on drugs; come down with AIDS
%%
Get hold of portable property.
 -- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
%%
Get in there, you big hairy oaf!  ...I don't care what you smell, get in!
 -- Han Solo (Star Wars)
%%
Get it? -- Got it. -- Good!
%%
Get learning with a great sum of money, and get much gold by her.
 -- Ecclesiastes, The Bible
%%
Get lost!
%%
Get lost, you can't compare with my powers.
 -- M. Bison, Street Fighter II
%%
Get married, but never to a man who is home all day.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Get married early in the morning.  That way, if it doesn't work out,
you haven't wasted a whole day.
 -- Mickey Rooney
%%
Get me a bitch, I'm really horny!
 -- What Lassie was really trying to say when Timmy fell down the well
%%
Get me my rubbers....my feet are soaked !
%%
Get me some coffee and then ask me in ten minutes.
%%
Get money first; virtue comes afterward.
 -- Horace
%%
Get money; still get money, boy,
No matter by what means.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Every Man in his Humour, Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
"Get More for your Money" by Max Amize
%%
Get MS-DOS 6.0...Bill Gates needs to buy a wedding gift for his bride.
%%
Get off my tail, because shit happens.
 -- Rumper sticker on a horse
%%
Get off the cross, Bob.  Somebody else needs the wood!
%%
Get off your ASCII.
%%
Get on the telephone!!!
 -- Dr. Gene Scott
%%
Get on your bad motor scooter and ride.
%%
Get OS/2 2.0 - the best Windows tip around!
%%
Get out, Blackadder, and stop corking our juices.
Certainly, your Highness. I'll leave you to dribble in private.
 -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Get out!! Get out you libidinous swine!! And take that whore-slut
  painted strumpet with you!! And may you both rot in the filth of your
  own fornication!!!!
...And what did you say to _him_?...
 -- Edmund and Queenie : Chains
%%
Get out of my life, don't come back.
 -- the glimmer twins
%%
Get out of my reality!
%%
Get Out There!: Sally Forth
%%
Get piece of mind through trepananation.
%%
Get place and wealth, if possible, with grace;
If not, by any means get wealth and place.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Epistle i, Book i, Line 103
%%
GET REAL! Elvis is DEAD! Accept it!
%%
Get Real - Get Wool.
%%
Get reelected.
 -- First Law of Office Holders
%%
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
%%
Get right! Or get left.
%%
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Get scared right away; avoid the rush.
 -- Slovotsky's Law Number Thirty-One
 -- Walter Slovotsky, The Warrior Lives by Joel Rosenberg
%%
Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
%%
GET SLACK!
%%
Get the Analog edge...add distortion...
%%
Get thee behind me, Satan.  I was here first.
%%
Get thee behind me, Satan.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xvi, 23
%%
GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!  You push, and I'll steer.
%%
Get thee behind me, smoker!
%%
Get thee down. Be thou funky.
%%
Get the facts first, THEN panic!
%%
Get the government before it gets AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
%%
Get the government out of the arts.
%%
Get the Hell out of my way!
 -- John Galt
%%
Get the Legion Of Doom on Iraq's computers!
%%
Getting along with your relatives increases in direct proportion with
the distance you stay away from them.
%%
Getting an education at the University of California is like having
$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%%
Getting anything done around here reminds me of elephants mating :
    - it's done at a very high level
    - there's lots of trumpeting about it
    - it takes two years to see any results.
%%
Getting a second chance is never a certainty.
%%
Getting better - not older!
%%
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
 -- Robert Byrne
%%
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is
almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from
 crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud
 "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually
 it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it
 quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another
 advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't
 have his friends hanging around your house all the time.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Getting laid off is better than not getting laid at all.
 -- Brett Isham
%%
Getting married is a serious matter for a girl; not getting married is even
 more serious.
%%
Getting older - not better!
%%
Getting on is getting up each time you got down until you get in. Get it?
%%
Getting on the cover of TIME guarantees the existence of opposition
in the future.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Getting on the Information Superhighway in a Studebaker.
%%
Getting something done is an accomplishment;
getting something done right is an achievement.
 -- Anonymous
%%
Getting the baby to sleep is the hardest when she is about 18 years old.
%%
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
%%
Getting the truth from Clinton is like nailing Jello to the wall.
%%
Getting the truth from Clinton is like pinning Odo to the wall.
%%
Getting tired of children?  Ever heard of youthanasia?
%%
Getting up early is hazardous to your health.
%%
Gettin' married's a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get
 used to it, it ain't so hot.
 -- Minnie Pearl
%%
Get up Dog Boy!  Show them where you come from, show them where you're going!
%%
Get up in the sky where they can't find you.
%%
 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
 -- Peter's Principle of Success
%%
Get your cut throat off my knife
 -- Diane Diprima, Nightmare Gallery
%%
Get your dam finger out of your nose. Use a tissue!
%%
Get your enemies to read your works in order to mend them, for your
friend is so much your second self that he will judge too like you.
 -- Pope
%%
Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Get your fishing supplies at Honest Abdhul's Sushi Bar and Bait Shop
%%
Get your grubby hands off my tagline! I stole it first!
%%
Get your kicks...
%%
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
%%
Get your mind out of the gutter, you're crowding me.
%%
Get your modem runnin', Head out for the Highwaves!
%%
Get your motor runnin'. Head out on the highway.
%%
Get your OWN quote, dammit.  This one's MINE.
%%
Get your priorities straight, call a BBS.
%%
Get yourself a coach to drink with or else you'll go nuts.
 -- Jim Fregosi
%%
GEW{JO}: Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}
%%
GFD: Go Forth and Divide
%%
GFM: Go Forth and Multiply
%%
:GFR: /G-F-R/ vt. [ITS: from `Grim File Reaper', an ITS and LISP
   Machine utility] To remove a file or files according to some
   program-automated or semi-automatic manual procedure, especially
   one designed to reclaim mass storage space or reduce name-space
   clutter (the original GFR actually moved files to tape).  Often
   generalized to pieces of data below file level.  "I used to have
   his phone number, but I guess I {GFR}ed it."  See also
   {prowler}, {reaper}.  Compare {GC}, which discards only
   provably worthless stuff.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
G. Gabrielson noted, 'Try a class in PASCAL!'
%%
G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.
%%
Ghosts are merely unsubstantiated roomers.
%%
Ghosts love music -- especially haunting melodies!
%%
Giant ape becomes religious leader in "King of Kongs!"
%%
Giant salmon gulps down 12 swimmers.
%%
Giants =*= Give LT a blow-- I mean a rest!
%%
Giant Space Hamsters are sexy!
%%
Giant Space Hamsters:  Better pets than Giant Space Pit Bulls!
%%
Giant Space Hamsters:  Fluffy, but with substance.
%%
Giant Space Hamsters never get lost behind the fridge.
%%
Giant Space Hamsters offer a veritable plethora of wonders.
%%
Giant Space Hamster spit cures male-pattern baldness.
%%
Giant Space Hamsters:  Tastes great.  Less filling.
%%
Giant Space Werehamster.
%%
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
GIE: Generate Irreversible Error
%%
GIF at 11!
%%
GIF available.
%%
GIF'S, The GIF That Keeps On GIFFing
%%
Gift Certificate: Good for one free visit, Kervorkian MD
%%
Gifts are like hooks.
 -- Martial
%%
                        -- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
 -- Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
%%
                        -- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him (You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?).
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at.    If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
 -- Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide
%%
Gig drives - the Spice of the 90's
%%
Giggle, snort, DAMN!... The beer came out my nose!
%%
GIGO: Garbage in garbage out.
%%
GIGO: Garbage in, Gospel out.
%%
:GIGO: /gi:'goh/ [acronym] 1. `Garbage In, Garbage Out' ---
   usually said in response to {luser}s who complain that a program
   didn't "do the right thing" when given imperfect input or
   otherwise mistreated in some way.  Also commonly used to describe
   failures in human decision making due to faulty, incomplete, or
   imprecise data.  2. `Garbage In, Gospel Out': this more recent
   expansion is a sardonic comment on the tendency human beings have
   to put excessive trust in `computerized' data.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gigolo:  A fee male...
%%
:gilley: [USENET] n. The unit of analogical bogosity.  According to
   its originator, the standard for one gilley was "the act of
   bogotoficiously comparing the shutting down of 1000 machines for a
   day with the killing of one person".  The milligilley has been
   found to suffice for most normal conversational exchanges.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gillian: "Do you like Italian?"
Kirk: "Yes."
Spock: "No."
Kirk: "No."
Spock: "Yes."
Kirk: "Yes."
Spock: "No."
Kirk: "I love Italian.  And so do you."
Spock: "Yes."
 -- "STIV:TVH", Stardate 8390.
%%
:gillion: /gil'y*n/ or /jil'y*n/ [formed from {giga-} by analogy
   with mega/million and tera/trillion] n. 10^9. Same as an
   American billion or a British `milliard'.  How one pronounces
   this depends on whether one speaks {giga-} with a hard or
   soft `g'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gilooly said Nancy planed it for the sympathy/mercy vote.
%%
Gimme $50 or I'll tell Janet Reno you're a cult member.
%%
Gimme a beer. But it's 11 am So float a cornflake in it!
 -- Norm
%%
Gimme a beer! I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger.
%%
Gimme a bottle of anything, and a glazed donut.........TO GO!!!!
%%
"Gimme a Cold Filtered Big Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite Extra-Hearty
 Draft Lager With The Imported Australian Taste In The Barrel-Shaped
 Twist-Off Bottle and a mango, please.   Oh, and one of those
 specially-emblemed, frosted 24-ounce glasses."
 "We're outta 'em."
 "Oh.  Gimme a can of Bud Lite, then."
 "Glass?"
 "Na."
 "That'll be five bucks."
%%
Gimme a hamburger, with cheese, bacon & onion. Chips and Coke.
 -- Con
%%
Gimme, a match, I think my gas tank is empty.
%%
Gimme a P-Nut-Butter -N- Nanner sandwich.
 -- Elvis.
%%
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
%%
Gimme, gimme, gimme more donuts....
 -- Elvis
%%
Gimme that baby you warthog from Hell!
%%
Gimp Gump.........Guess what I have in my wooden leg!
%%
Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man;
  He 's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf;
But consistency still wuz a part of his plan,--
  He 's ben true to one party, an' thet is himself.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, First Series, No. ii
%%
:GIPS: /gips/ or /jips/ [analogy with {MIPS}] n.
   Giga-Instructions per Second (also possibly `Gillions of
   Instructions per Second'; see {gillion}).  In 1991, this is used
   of only a handful of highly parallel machines, but this is expected
   to change.  Compare {KIPS}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gird your grid for a big one!
%%
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
%%
Girl by the whirlpool, lookin' for a new fool...
%%
Girl Dumps her boyfriend to marry his dad
%%
Girlfriend pregnant - (M)arry (I)gnore (A)bort
%%
Girlfriend wants whale because they have 10ft tongues.
%%
Girlfriend?  Yep, a 50 MHz 486 with 256K cache!
%%
Girl On a Budget: Penny Pincher
%%
Girls' abusers are usually men
%%
Girls are always running through my mind.  They don't dare walk.
 -- Andy Gibb
%%
Girls, girls, girls!
%%
Girls just wanna have fun...Guys just wanna have girls.
%%
Girls just want to have fun.
 -- Cyndi Lauper
%%
Girls just want to have lunch
 -- A. Yankovic
%%
Girls now say what they think. I was with one the other night. Two in the
 morning she told me to go to a sex clinic. Said I should ask for the
 emergency room.
 -- Mike Preminger
%%
Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to be.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
Girls who wear glasses have lots & lots of energy!
 -- Al on Quantum Leap
%%
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls.
%%
Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour puss.
%%
G.I. Series....... Ball game between soldiers.
%%
GI Series:  Baseball series for soldiers...
%%
G is for Ghanhantoa, with his terrible stare.
%%
Give a hoot, don't pollute--commute
%%
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go
into a "Pearl Harbor File."
%%
Give a man a computer program and you give him a headache,
but teach him to program computers and you give him the power
to create headaches for others for the rest of his life...
 -- R. B. Forest
%%
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
and he will eat for the rest of his life.
%%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
 -- Calvin Keegan
%%
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
 -- Mae West
%%
Give a man an inch, and he thinks he's a ruler.
%%
Give a man free hands and you'll know where to find them.
 -- Mae West
%%
Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.
%%
Give an Inch, Take a Smile.
%%
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
%%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
 encounters needs pounding.
 -- Abraham Kaplan
%%
Give a student a modem and you give them the world.
%%
Give a woman an inch and she'll try to park a car in it.
%%
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
%%
Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.
%%
Give blood - play hockey.
%%
GIVE CHEERS To Asahi Draft Beer And Your Life Be Marvelous
 -- Asahi Beer Cans
%%
Give Clinton an inch and he'll take 75% of all you own.
%%
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.
 -- William Shakespeare, (The only good part of Polonius' advice to Laertes)
%%
Give, expecting nothing thereof
 -- St. Thomas Aquinas
%%
Give her two red roses, each with a note.  The first note says "For the
woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."
%%
Give him 2.54 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
%%
Give him an evasive answer.
%%
Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
 -- Dave Farber
%%
Give in to the FORCE...
%%
Give it an understanding, but no tongue.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Give lettered pomp to teeth of Time,
  So "Bonnie Doon" but tarry;
Blot out the epic's stately rhyme,
  But spare his "Highland Mary!"
 -- John G. Whittier (1807-1892)
 -- Lines on Burns
%%
Give me 40 acres and I'll turn this rig around.
%%
"Give me a break, man!"
"Oh, man!"
"Hey, dude!"
"Hey, Homer!"
 -- Bart, from The Simpsons
%%
Give me a burrito. . .resistance is futile!
 -- Steve Roberts, of Winnebiko and BEHEMOTH fame,
  -- to a terrified clerk at a Taco Bell drive-through
%%
Give me again my hollow tree,
A crust of bread, and liberty.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Satire vi, Book ii, Line 220
%%
Give me a lever and place to stand and I will move the world.
 -- Archimedes (c. 287-212 B.C.), Pappus, Synagoge, VIII, 10, xi
%%
Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
%%
Give me all your lupins!
%%
Give me a look, give me a face,
That makes simplicity a grace;
Robes loosely flowing, hair as free,--
Such sweet neglect more taketh me
Than all the adulteries of art:
They strike mine eyes, but not my heart.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Epicaene; Or, the Silent Woman, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Give me a man that laughs all the time, though the rest of the world's in a
 rut. Yes, show me a man that laughs all the time, and, my friend, I'll show
 you a nut!
 -- Jackie Kannon
%%
Give me a map and a compass, and I'll fly the Alps in a plane with no windows.
%%
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
%%
Give me a museum and I'll fill it.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
%%
Give me an incubator or give me death!
 -- Hawkeye and Trapper, M*A*S*H
%%
Give me another horse: bind up my wounds.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Give me an ounce of civet, good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iv, Sc. 6
%%
Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch.
 -- friend of Archimedes
%%
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
%%
Give me a spirit that on this life's rough sea
Loves t' have his sails fill'd with a lusty wind,
Even till his sail-yards tremble, his masts crack,
And his rapt ship run on her side so low
That she drinks water, and her keel plows air.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Give me a straight line and I'll bend it for you.
%%
Give me but that, and let the world rub; there I 'll stick.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. vii
%%
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
 -- St Augustine, Bishop of Hippo (circa 5th century AD)
%%
Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
 -- Napolean
%%
Give me health and a day, and I will make ridiculous the pomp of emperors.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Give me, kind Heaven, a private station,
A mind serene for contemplation:
Title and profit I resign;
The post of honour shall be mine.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Fables, Part ii, The Vulture, the Sparrow, and other Birds
%%
Give me levity or give me death.
%%
Give me liberty or give me death!
 -- Patrick Henry (1775)
%%
Give me librium or give me meth.
%%
Give me neither poverty nor riches.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxx, 8
%%
Give me one good man, and I'll give him back when I'm done.
%%
Give me one good reason why I should listen to you.
%%
Give me some chocolate and no one gets hurt!
%%
Give me some sugar, baby.
%%
Give me that REAL old-time religion--Isis, Astarte,
Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Danu, Inanna
%%
Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
Bold I can meet,--perhaps may turn his blow!
But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
Save, save, oh save me from the candid friend!
 -- George Canning (1770-1827)
 -- New Morality
%%
Give me the fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its own
corrections. You can keep your sterile truth for yourself.
 -- Vilfredo Pareto
%%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%%
Give me the mind of a child of 4 and he'll be mine for life
 -- A.Hitler
%%
Give me the ready hand rather than the ready tongue.
 -- Giuseppe Garibaldi
%%
Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.
 -- Joseph Conrad
%%
Give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool of himself.
 -- Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)
%%
Give me to drink mandragora, That I may sleep away this gap of time.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Give me water, and I'll burn it up.
%%
Give more than take.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
Give my regards to all the people I care nothing about.
%%
Given a bad start, trouble will increase exponentially.
 -- The Parouzzi Principle
%%
Given a choice between two bald political candidates, the American
people will vote for the less bald of the two.
 -- Vic Gold
%%
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
 -- Blore's Razor
%%
Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90 per cent of the time.
%%
Given a problem of 'n' equations, there will be 'n+1' variables.
 -- The First SNAFU Equation
%%
Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of time,
you can create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential idea.
 -- Devyver's law
%%
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
 you've got to go broke.
 -- Kennedy's Market Theorem
%%
Given enough time, memory and disk space... anything is possible.
%%
Given enough time, what you put off doing today will eventually get
done by itself.
 -- G. Gestra
%%
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
%%
Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite...
would you like a toasted tea cake?
 -- Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf 'White Hole'
%%
Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
around, I'd rather lie around.   No contest.
 -- Eric Clapton
%%
Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose
pain.
 -- William Faulkner
%%
Given the right support you can do anything, and remember that order
must must be maintained in the cave.
%%
Given to hospitality.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans xii, 13
%%
Give sadists a fair crack at the whip.
%%
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
Give the gift of high velocity lead.
%%
Give them all they want, and all they will want is more.
%%
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Give thought to your reputation. Consider
 changing name and moving to a new town.
%%
Give thy thoughts no tongue, nor any unproportioned thought his act.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Give to every other human being every right that you claim for
yourself-that is my doctrine.
 -- Thomas Paine (1737-1809)
%%
Give to the Clinton Contributions Fund c/o the IRS.
%%
Give to the Crash Dummy's Widow Fund.
%%
Give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the
garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah lxi, 3
%%
Give up.
%%
Give up on aerobics.  Aside from the problem of how to wear the
leotards, or just how you plan to do star jumps, there's not going to be
a lot of air where you're going to be.  Experiment with hydrobics
instead.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Give up, you'll only live till you die.
%%
"Give us a copper, Guv" said the beggar to the Treasury statistician,
when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three
days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And how does that compare with
the same period last year?"
 -- Russell Lewis
%%
Give us, O give us, the man who is cheerful in his work! Be his occupation
what it may, he is equal to any of those who follow the same pursuit
in silent sullenness. He will do more in the same time, he will do it better,
he will persevere longer.
 -- Carlyle
%%
"Give us the man," shouts the multitude, "who will step forward and take
the responsibility."  He is instantly the idol, the lord, and the king
among men. He, then, who would command among his fellows, must excel
them more in energy or will than in power of intellect.
 -- Burnap
%%
Give us this day, our daily shred.
%%
Give weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.
%%
Give what thou canst, without Thee we are poor;
And with Thee rich, take what Thou wilt away.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book v, The Winter Morning Walk, Line 905
%%
Give without remembering. Take without forgetting.
%%
Give ya a fin for a tagline.
%%
Give you a reason on compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries,
I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Give YOUR car a golden shower at Midas' Car Wash.
%%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%%
Give your decisions, never your reasons; your decisions may be right,
your reasons are sure to be wrong.
 -- Earl of Mansfild
%%
Giving advice isn't as risky as people say.
Few ever take it anyway.
 -- William Feather
%%
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than
Christianity has made them good.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
Giving head to a long worm is like a long lasting reception.
%%
Giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Peter iii, 7
%%
Giving power and money to the government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys.
 -- P.J. O'Rourke, former Gulf War correspondent,
 -- summing up what he learned
 -- during two years of research on how our government functions
%%
Giving up...
%%
Giving up Catholicism for Lent
%%
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP
machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
Givin' the Miners a long distance CHEER!!!!
%%
Gizmonics Institute:  Home of the Deep 13 Burger.
%%
Glaciers move in tides. So do mountains. So do all things.
 -- John Muir
%%
Gladness of heart is the life of man, and the joyfulness of a man
prolongeth his days.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus xxx, 22
%%
Glad to be computing..
%%
Glance their many-twinkling feet.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Progress of Poesy, I, 3, Line 11
%%
:glark: /glark/ vt. To figure something out from context.  "The
   System III manuals are pretty poor, but you can generally glark the
   meaning from context."  Interestingly, the word was originally
   `glork'; the context was "This gubblick contains many
   nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be
   glorked [sic] from context" (David Moser, quoted by Douglas
   Hofstadter in his "Metamagical Themas" column in the
   January 1981 "Scientific American").  It is conjectured that
   hackish usage mutated the verb to `glark' because {glork} was
   already an established jargon term.  Compare {grok},
   {zen}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GLASS
  Container which shatters at the most inconvenient and unexpected
  moments. Glasses are known to have properties that cause them to
  throw themselves out of people's hands. Glasses are also specially
  designed not to bounce. On anything.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:glassfet: /glas'fet/ [by analogy with MOSFET, the acronym for
   `Metal-Oxide-Semiconductor Field-Effect Transistor'] n. Syn.
   {firebottle}, a humorous way to refer to a vacuum tube.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:glass: [IBM] n. Synonym for {silicon}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:glass tty: /glas T-T-Y/ or /glas ti'tee/ n. A terminal that
   has a display screen but which, because of hardware or software
   limitations, behaves like a teletype or some other printing
   terminal, thereby combining the disadvantages of both: like a
   printing terminal, it can't do fancy display hacks, and like a
   display terminal, it doesn't produce hard copy.  An example is the
   early `dumb' version of Lear-Siegler ADM 3 (without cursor
   control).  See {tube}, {tty}; compare {dumb terminal}, {smart
   terminal}.  See "{TV Typewriters}" (appendix A) for an
   interesting true story about a glass tty.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GLC: Generate Lewd Comment
%%
Gleemites:  Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
%%
Glen. I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
Hot. Why, so can I, or so can any man;
But will they come when you do call for them?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Glenlivet - as Smooth as Jim O's head
%%
GL: Get Lost
%%
Gli arcobaleni d'altri mondi
hanno colori che non so.
Ma lungo i fiumi d'altri mondi
nascono fiori che non ho.
[The rainbows of other worlds
have colors I don't know.
But along the rivers of other worlds
flowers are born that I don't have.]
 -- Fabrizio De Andre
%%
Glimo:  To attempt to see who is in the back of a limousine.
%%
Glimpses do ye seem to see of that mortally intolerable
truth; that all deep, earnest thinking is but the intrepid
effort of the soul to keep the open independence of her
sea; while the wildest winds of heaven and earth conspire
to cast her on the treacherous, slavish shore?
 -- Herman Melville, Moby Dick
%%
:glitch: /glich/ [from German `glitschen' to slip, via Yiddish
   `glitshen', to slide or skid] 1. n. A sudden interruption in
   electric service, sanity, continuity, or program function.
   Sometimes recoverable.  An interruption in electric service is
   specifically called a `power glitch' (also {power hit}), of
   grave concern because it usually crashes all the computers.  In
   jargon, though, a hacker who got to the middle of a sentence and
   then forgot how he or she intended to complete it might say,
   "Sorry, I just glitched".  2. vi. To commit a glitch.  See
   {gritch}.  3. vt.  [Stanford] To scroll a display screen, esp.
   several lines at a time.  {{WAITS}} terminals used to do this in
   order to avoid continuous scrolling, which is distracting to the
   eye.  4. obs.  Same as {magic cookie}, sense 2.

   All these uses of `glitch' derive from the specific technical
   meaning the term has in the electronic hardware world, where it is
   now techspeak.  A glitch can occur when the inputs of a circuit
   change, and the outputs change to some {random} value for some
   very brief time before they settle down to the correct value.  If
   another circuit inspects the output at just the wrong time, reading
   the random value, the results can be very wrong and very hard to
   debug (a glitch is one of many causes of electronic {heisenbug}s).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Glittering generalities! They are blazing ubiquities.
%%
'Gloaters'...you really are a prat, aren't you Percy.
 -- Edmund : Head
%%
Global Village Idiot
%%
Glob thinkally, loc actally
%%
"Gloom, despair and agony on me.
  Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
  Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me."
%%
Gloomy as night he stands.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xi, Line 749
%%
Gloria Steinem *IS* the man she was always looking for.
%%
Gloria Steinem lives in perpetual PMS.
%%
Gloria Steinem once said that "the surest way to be alone is to get
 married." If you viewed her up close, you'd know why she would say such a
 thing. Of course, you would also be sick.
%%
Gloria Steinem see OTHERS as responsible for wrongs suffered.
%%
Glories, like glow-worms, afar off shine bright,
But look'd too near have neither heat nor light.
 -- John Webster (c. 1580-1625)
 -- The White Devil, Act iv, Sc. 4
%%
Gloriously drunk, obey the important call.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iv, The Winter Evening, Line 510
%%
:glork: /glork/ 1. interj. Term of mild surprise, usually tinged with
   outrage, as when one attempts to save the results of two hours of
   editing and finds that the system has just crashed.  2. Used as a
   name for just about anything.  See {foo}.  3. vt. Similar to
   {glitch}, but usually used reflexively.  "My program just glorked
   itself."  See also {glark}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
%%
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke ii, 14
%%
Glossary: Shoeshine stand.
 -- Ray Hand
%%
:glue: n. Generic term for any interface logic or protocol that
   connects two component blocks.  For example,  {Blue
   Glue} is IBM's SNA protocol, and hardware designers call anything
   used to connect large VLSI's or circuit blocks `glue logic'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GLUTTON, n.  A person who escapes the evils of moderation by
committing dyspepsia.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gluttony is not a secret vice.
 -- Orson Welles
%%
Gluttony is not one of the troll's vices. Avarice, however, is.
%%
Gluttony kills more than the sword.
%%
GLV: Ground the Line Voltage
%%
GMCC: Generate Machine Check and Cash
%%
GMC: Garage Man's Companion
%%
GMC: Generally Mediocre Cars
%%
GMC: Generate Machine Check
%%
GMC: Get More Chicks
%%
GMC: Got Mechanic Coming
%%
GMC: Got More Crap
%%
GMC: Grungy Merchandise
%%
GME: Generate Meaningless Error
%%
GM: Garbage Makers
%%
GM: General Maintenance
%%
GM: General Mistake
%%
GM: Generous Motors
%%
G M:    So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
 S:      Yes, thirteen.
 G M:    Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden?
 S:      Well, I love my husband.
 G M:    Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
 -- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_
%%
Gnagloot, n.:
 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
impress people.
 -- Rich Hall, Sniglets
%%
:gnarly: /nar'lee/ adj. Both {obscure} and {hairy} (sense
   1).  "{Yow!} --- the tuned assembler implementation of BitBlt
   is really gnarly!"  From a similar but less specific usage in
   surfer slang.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gnash your teeth more - you're not quite crazy enough!
%%
Gnaw the bone which has fallen to thy lot.
%%
GND: Guess at Next Digit
%%
GNOME, n.  In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the
interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral
treasures.  Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough
in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw
them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight.  Ludwig
Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and
Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a
Silesian mine.  Basing our computations upon data supplied by these
statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as
1764.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gnomes are too short to do it.
%%
GNOSTICS, n.  A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion
between the early Christians and the Platonists.  The former would not
go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin
of the fusion managers.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gnudist: a person who hacks while wearing no clothes.
Gnubile: an eligible young hacker.
Gnugat: a hacker's favorite candy (Though it contains little gnutrition.)
Gnumatic: a computer filled with air.
Gnuisance: a novice hacker who keeps pestering you with foolish questions.
Gnuance: a subtle, clever hack in the favorite language.
Gnumerical analysis: what you use a supercomputer for.
Gnumismatist: a hacker who collects coins?
%%
GNUEMACS: Generally Not Used Except by Middle Aged Computer Scientists
%%
:GNU: /gnoo/, *not* /noo/ 1. [acronym: `GNU's Not UNIX!',
   see {{recursive acronym}}] A UNIX-workalike development effort of
   the Free Software Foundation headed by Richard Stallman
   <[e-mail]>.  GNU EMACS and the GNU C compiler, two tools
   designed for this project, have become very popular in hackerdom
   and elsewhere.  The GNU project was designed partly to proselytize
   for RMS's position that information is community property and all
   software source should be shared.  One of its slogans is "Help
   stamp out software hoarding!"  Though this remains controversial
   (because it implicitly denies any right of designers to own,
   assign, and sell the results of their labors), many hackers who
   disagree with RMS have nevertheless cooperated to produce large
   amounts of high-quality software for free redistribution under the
   Free Software Foundation's imprimatur.  See {EMACS},
   {copyleft}, {General Public Virus}.  2. Noted UNIX hacker
   John Gilmore <[e-mail]>, founder of USENET's anarchic alt.*
   hierarchy.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:GNUMACS: /gnoo'maks/ [contraction of `GNU EMACS'] Often-heard
   abbreviated name for the {GNU} project's flagship tool, {EMACS}.
   Used esp. in contrast with {GOSMACS}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GNU, n.  An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state
resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag.  In its wild condition it is
something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.

    A hunter from Kew caught a distant view
        Of a peacefully meditative gnu,
    And he said:  "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue
        In its blood at a closer interview."
    But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw
        O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew;
    And he said as he flew:  "It is well I withdrew
        Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew
        That really meritorious gnu."
                                                           Jarn Leffer
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
GNU PROGRAMMERS do it for free and they don't give a damn about look & feel
%%
"Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy."
 -- Homer in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons
%%
Go ahead. Attack me with that banana.
%%
Go ahead. Back up to the RAM disk. I dare you!
%%
Go ahead, bang your head against the wall. Be stupid.
%%
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they
are --"
 -- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%%
Go ahead, correct my typos.  I'll make more.
%%
Go ahead. Dake my may.
%%
Go ahead, flame me...I've got heavy duty surge protectors.
%%
Go ahead, I dare You!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Go ahead, I dare you to steal this tagline!
%%
Go ahead, MAKE MY DAY !!!!
%%
Go ahead, MAKE MY DOWNLOAD!!!
%%
Go ahead, make my.....GODDAM COMPUTER WORK RIGHT!!!!!
%%
Go Ahead, Make My Lunch!
%%
Go ahead, Moderate my day.
%%
Go ahead, moderate my day-PUNK!
%%
Go ahead, punk...  try to take my gun away.
%%
Go ahead, say something...amuse your friends...both of 'em...
%%
Go ahead, steal my ideas...everyone else does...
%%
Go ahead, the Surgeon General has determined that you only live once.
%%
Go Ahead, We're cleared for weird.
%%
Goalie for the dart team.
%%
Goalies: At least we're in the Net!
%%
Goals are dreams with deadlines.
%%
Goaltenders are better 'cause they've got bigger sticks!
%%
Go and boil your bottom, you sons of a silly person!
%%
Go, and do thou likewise.
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke x, 37
%%
"Go! And never darken my towels again!"
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), "Duck Soup"
%%
GOAT
  A horned beast, known to cross troll-infested bridges in packs of
  three. Goats are unable to eat flowers, lest they explode. The
  goats, I mean. It'd be pretty silly if flowers exploded. Then they
  couldn't have florists. They'd become explosists. "Anywhere in the
  world, send a message to show you hate. Intexploder."
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Goat Boy is here to please you. Hur Hur Hur Hur Hur.
 -- Bill Hicks
%%
Go away.
%%
Go away...I'm alright.
 -- Last words of H. G. Wells
%%
Go away, kid.  You bother me.
%%
Go Away!: Ron Onhome
%%
:gobble: vt. 1. To consume, usu. used with `up'.  "The output
   spy gobbles characters out of a {tty} output buffer."  2. To
   obtain, usu. used with `down'.  "I guess I'll gobble down a copy
   of the documentation tomorrow."  See also {snarf}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Go bite the wall.
%%
Go boldly forth, my simple lay,
Whose accents flow with artless ease,
Like orient pearls at random strung.
 -- Sir William Jones (1746-1794)
 -- A Persian Song of Hafiz
%%
Go call a coach, and let a coach be called;
And let the man who calleth be the caller;
And in his calling let him nothing call
But "Coach! Coach! Coach! Oh for a coach, ye gods!"
 -- Henry Carey (1663-1743)
 -- Chrononhotonthologos, Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
Go climb a gravity well!
%%
God Almighty first planted a garden.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Gardens
%%
God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.
%%
God and the devil are an effort after specialization and division of labor.
%%
God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers,
And thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face,
A gauntlet with a gift in 't.
 -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1809-1861)
 -- Aurora Leigh, Book ii
%%
God be thanked, the meanest of his creatures
Boasts two soul-sides,--one to face the world with,
One to show a woman when he loves her!
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- One Word More, xvii
%%
God bless Atheism.
%%
God blesses still the generous thought And still the fitting word
He speeds, And truth, at His requiring taught, He quickens into deeds.
 -- Whittier
%%
God bless mommy and daddy and President George Bush,
 for at least as long as Dan Quayle is Vice President.
 -- New American Prayer
%%
God bless the King,--I mean the faith's defender!
God bless--no harm in blessing--the Pretender!
But who pretender is, or who is king,--
God bless us all!--that 's quite another thing.
 -- John Byrom (1691-1763)
 -- To an Officer of the Army, extempore
%%
God Bless Vespucciland!
%%
        God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced.   He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
merriment.
        Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.   Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
 -- Alan Sherman, The Rape of the A*P*E*
%%
"God cannot alter the past but historians can."
 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
God considered not action, but the spirit of the action.  It is the intention,
not the deed, wherein the merit of praise of the doer consists.
 -- Pierre Abailard
%%
God corrected her 1st mistake, by creating Eve.
%%
God could create the universe in six days because he
didn't have to make it upward compatible.
%%
God created Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve.
%%
God created man; all the rest is the work of the integers.
%%
God created man, but I could do better.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
God created music so people could pray without words.
%%
God created sex. Priests created marriage.
 -- Voltaire
%%
God created the integers; all the rest is the work of man.
 -- Leopold Kronecker
%%
God creates Dinosaur, God destroys Dinosaur, God creates Man, Man
destroys God, Man creates Dinosaur, Dinosaur eats Man, Woman inherits
the Earth
 -- Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern in Jurassic Park
%%
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%%
God defend me from the still water, and I'll keep myself from the rough.
 -- Proverb
%%
God didn't create the world in seven days--He goofed
off for six, then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
God does not ask the impossible.
%%
God does not have to put His name on a label in the corner of a meadow
because nobody else makes meadows.
%%
God does not play dice with the universe.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffible game of his
own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the
other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker
in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer
who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
 --  Gaiman and Pratchett
 -- Good Omens
%%
:G"odel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid:
Douglas Hofstadter
Basic Books, 1979
ISBN 0-394-74502-7

This book reads like an intellectual Grand Tour of hacker
preoccupations.  Music, mathematical logic, programming, speculations on
the nature of intelligence, biology, and Zen are woven into a brilliant
tapestry themed on the concept of encoded self-reference.  The perfect
left-brain companion to "Illuminatus".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
God ever arithmetizes.
%%
God forbid I should miss my first look at the wormhole.
 -- Troi, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
God forbid.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans ii, 31
%%
God, from a beautiful necessity, is Love.
 -- Martin F. Tupper (1810-1889)
 -- Of Immortality
%%
GOD gave us FREE WILL to choose....not to be intimidated!
%%
God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December.
 -- Sir James M. Barrie, British Playwright
%%
God gave us these bodies because he has better ones at home.
 -- B. Klibanan
%%
God gave you that gifted tongue of yours, and set it between your teeth, to
make known your true meaning to us, not be rattled like a muffin man's bell.
 -- Carlyle
%%
God give me the strength to deal with stupid people.
 -- Tanda Clarke
%%
God gives burdens; also shoulders.
%%
God gives burdens; also shoulders

Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
end of the 1980 election.    At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
would he lie about a thing like that?
 -- Arthur Naiman, Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish
%%
God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them.
 -- German proverb
%%
God gives us love. Something to love
  He lends us; but when love is grown
To ripeness, that on which it throve
  Falls off, and love is left alone.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- To J. S.
%%
God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
%%
God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be
changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the
wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
 -- Reinhold Niebuhr, The Serenity Prayer (1934)
%%
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change,
The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.
%%
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
weaponry to make the difference.
%%
God grant me the serenity to fix the bugs I find,
 and to call the rest features.
%%
God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready
to guard and defend it.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Speech, June 3, 1834, Vol. iv, p. 47
%%
God grant that not only the love of liberty but a thorough knowledge
of the rights of man may pervade all the nations of the earth, so
that a philosopher may set his foot anywhere on its surface and say:
 "This is my country."
 -- Benjamin Franklin, letter to David Hartley, December 4, 1789
%%
God had sifted three kingdoms to find the wheat for this planting.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Courtship of Miles Standish, iv
%%
God has always been hard on the poor.
%%
God has a way of getting even, He allows 7 Bowl games to be played on the
 same day.
%%
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and
water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in
the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
night!
 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
%%
God has no religion.
 -- Mahatma Gandhi
%%
God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise;
and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things
that are mighty.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians i, 27
%%
God hath made man upright; but they have sought out many inventions.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes vii, 29
%%
God hath no fury like a sysop scorned!
%%
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
 -- Poor Richard
%%
God helps them that help themselves.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
God helps those who have 7 percent mortgages.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
God helps those who help themselves.
 -- Algernon Sidney (1622-1683)
 -- Discourses on Government, Chap. ii, Sect. xxiii
%%
God help the rich - the poor can beg.
%%
God help those who do not help themselves.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
God help us, another Cthulhu convert! AAAIIIEEEAAAHHH!
%%
God Himself has no right to be a tyrant.
 -- William Godwin (English minister, reformer, philosopher,
 -- "Sketches in History" 1784
%%
God I hate floppies.
%%
God, I hope he isn't a schmuck like the others.
%%
God?  I'm no god.  God has mercy.
%%
God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood being
  servant to a master with the intellectual capacity of a jug walrus
  and the social graces of a potty.
 -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
God invented mothers because he couldn't be every where at once, And
God invented guilt because mothers could not be every where at once.
%%
Go directly to jail.  Do not pass 'GO'.  Do not collect $200.00
%%
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
 -- Voltaire
%%
God is alive! He just don't want to get involved in anything.
%%
God is an atheist.
%%
God is a polytheist.
%%
GOD is applied POWER
which is applied GOVERNMENT
 which is applied POLITICS
which is applied ADVERTISING
which is applied SOCIOLOGY
which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
which is applied BIOLOGY
which is applied CHEMISTRY
which is applied PHYSICS
which is applied MATH
which is applied PHILOSOPHY
which is applied BULLSHIT
%%
God is as real as I am, the old man said.    My faith was restored, for
I new that Santa would never lie.
%%
God is a verb.
 -- Buckminster Fuller
%%
God is big, so don't fuck with him.
%%
God is completely good AND completely powerful.
%%
God is dead and I want His job.
%%
God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to
take his place.
 -- Dr J D McCoughey
%%
God is Dead
 -- Nietzsche
 Nietzsche is Dead
 -- God
 Nietzsche is God
 -- The (grateful) Dead
%%
God is dead--you are all absolutely free
%%
God is HERE, Let Us Celebrate!
%%
God is in my mind and the devil's in my pants.
 -- Jonathan Winters
%%
God is love, but get it in writing.
 -- Gypsy Rose Lee
%%
God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.
%%
God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are.
 -- Billy Graham
%%
God is not a cosmic bellboy!
%%
God is not all-powerful as he cannot build a wall he cannot jump: Pascal
%%
God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious
project.
%%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's...
%%
GODISNOWHERE
%%
God isn't dead, He just couldn't find a parking place.
%%
God isn't dead, He's been busted.
%%
God isn't dead, he's just shelled to DOS.
%%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%%
God isn't dead, She was never born.
%%
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent- it says so right
here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three
of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain
for you. No checks, please. Cash, and in small bills.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xlvi, 1
%%
God is perfect, man is not. Man made beer, God made pot!
%%
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant,
and the cat. He has no real style. He just keeps on trying other things.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Quoted in Francoise Gilot and Carlton Lake, Life with Picasso, pt. 1 (1964)
%%
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
%%
"God is silent," he was fond of saying, "now if we
 can only get Man to shut up."
 -- Woody Allen
%%
God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, thehelpless, the miserable.
They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority,
soothing to their macerated egos; He will set them above their betters.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
God is the perfect poet,
Who in his person acts his own creations.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Paracelsus, Part ii
%%
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
 -- Alfred Jarry
%%
God is wondrous, and mighty to be praised!!!
%%
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
%%
God killed Hendrix....
%%
God knows that a mother needs fortitude and courage and tolerance and
 flexibility and patience and firmness and nearly every other brave aspect
 of the human soul. But because I happen to be a parent of almost fiercely
 maternal nature, I praise casualness. It seems to me the rarest of virtues.
 It is useful enough when children are small. It is important to the point
 of necessity when they are adolescents.
 -- Phyllis McGinley
%%
God likes help when helping people.
 -- Irish Proverb
%%
God, look at the time! My girlfriend will kill me!
%%
God loves everyone in the world who doesn't love himself. Does God love
 God?
 -- Teilhard de Chardin
%%
God loves you!
%%
God loves you and he is going to send you to Hell.
%%
God loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
%%
God made a few people perfect--the rest He created right-handed.
%%
God made all the creatures, and gave them our love and our fear,
To give sign we and they are his children, one family here.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Saul, vi
%%
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
 -- Paul Valery
%%
God made gays so Rednecks wouldn't be bored by just picking on blacks.
%%
God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%%
God made man because he loves stories.
 -- Yiddish saying
%%
God made man. God made woman. And when God found that men could not get
 along with women, God invented Mexico.
 -- Larry Storch
%%
God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure
of caressing the lion.
 -- Fernand Mery
%%
God made the country, and man made the town.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book i, The Sofa, Line 749
%%
God made the world in six days, and on the seventh She was sued
for not filing an environmental impact statement.
%%
God made whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world!
%%
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
God may give you seeds but he won't plant them for you.
%%
God may have a last name but I'm sure it's not "Damn It".
%%
God moves in a mysterious way
  His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea
  And rides upon the storm.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Light shining out of Darkness
%%
God must have used Adam's funny bone when he made Eve.
%%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%%
God must love the comman man, he made so many of them.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
God never sends th' mouth but he sendeth meat.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. iv
%%
God often gives nuts to toothless people.
%%
God only knows what she could have gotten my mother to say.
 -- Pres. Bill Clinton to Speaker Newt Gingrich
 -- (Reference to Mrs. Gingrich's comments about Hillary Clinton)
%%
God only made man because he was disappointed with the monkey.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Godot was here, but you'll probably never be able to prove it.
%%
God owes an apology to Sodom & Gomorrah.
%%
God put drugs on this planet to assist and speed up the evolutionary process.
%%
God put me here with certain things to do and right now and I'm so
far behind, I'll probably never die.
 -- Bill Watterson, Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
%%
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.
 -- Roger Williams
%%
God rest you merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
For Jesus Christ, our Saviour,
Was born upon this day.
%%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
 and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
 Thursday, and Saturday.
 -- William Bragg
%%
God said "Let there be crap". An AMIGA appeared.
%%
God Said "Let there be Light" And The Pagan Said "Who Said That?"
%%
God said "Let there be light", So somebody struck a match
%%
God save our gracious king!
Long live our noble king!
  God save the king!
 -- Henry Carey (1663-1743)
 -- God save the King
%%
God save the mark.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
God save the screen!
%%
"God save you from a bad neighbor and from a beginner on the fiddle."
 -- Italian proverb
%%
God saw absolute truth lying in the street and picked it up.
The Devil said, "Give it to me and I'll organize it for you."
%%
'God says in the Bible' carries as much moral imperative to me as
 saying 'Dr. Seuss says in Green Eggs and Ham.'  Both are interesting books
 with some good messages, nothing more.
%%
God seems to have left the receiver off the hook.
 -- Arthur Koestler
%%
God sendeth and giveth both mouth and the meat.
 -- Thomas Tusser (c. 1515-1580)
 -- Five Hundred Points of Good Husbandry
%%
God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to
 receive it.
 -- Austin O'Malley
%%
Gods! How the son degenerates from the sire!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book iv, Line 451
%%
God sifted a whole nation that he might send choice grain over into
this wilderness.
 -- William Stoughton (1631-1701)
 -- Election Sermon at Boston, April 29, 1669
%%
God 's in his heaven:
All 's right with the world.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Pippa Passes, Part i
%%
God's justice, tardy though it prove perchance,
Rests never on the track until it reach
Delinquency.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Cenciaja
%%
God's mill grinds slow, but sure.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
God's mouth knows not to utter falsehood, but he will perform each word.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Prometheus, 1032
%%
God, somewhere in the universe, is throwing
peanut butter sandwiches into black holes!
%%
God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory,
But at present the other side's winning.
%%
God spoke, "A little conservative shall lead them .."
%%
God spoke, "A little liberal shall lead them .."
%%
Gods protect and preserve the Craft! May the Gods smile on you in.
%%
God.SyS Not Found...(R)eeBoot Universe?
%%
God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb.
 -- Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)
 -- Maria
%%
GOD: That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
God: The contrapuntal genius of human fate.
%%
God the first garden made, and the first city Cain.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- The Garden, ii
%%
God: The Ultimate Autobiography
===============================
(Holy Ghost-written by Jeremy Pascall)
Featuring:
* THE TRUTH ABOUT ADAM AND EVE, and why they were fired from the world's
  first theme park.
* SODOM AND GOMORRAH: THE CITIES OF SIN, including street plans, good
  food guides and listings of the best clubs, discos, and bars.  And why
  compulsory demolition orders were placed on all of them.
* BEGETTING: THE DO'S AND DON'T'S, including why you shouldn't covet your
  neighbor's ass.
And exclusively revealing:
* The Eleventh Commandment!
* That pigs were *meant* to fly, and rhinos were designed to live under
  stones!
* That the sky should have been called "Waxtl" but Adam couldn't
  pronounce it!
Plus a word for any atheists among you: "Wrong!"
Ebury Press - ISBN 0 85223 657 3 - Hardback - $5.95
%%
God told me it's none of your business.
 -- Jimmy Swaggart
%%
God to wicked painter: "REPAINT! REPAINT!  And never thin again!"
%%
God used beautiful mathematics in creating the world.
 -- Paul Dirac
%%
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
 where to go.
 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
 "Well, how about Mercury?"
 "No, it's too hot there."
 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
 "No," said God,"They're such horrible gossips. When I was
 there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
 still talking about it."
%%
God was left out of the constitution but was furnished a front seat
on the coins of the country.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
 -- Eruption (published 1949)
%%
God will always be the spiritual focus of the Boy Scouts of America.
%%
"God willing, we will return."
 -- Eugene Cernan, the Moon, 1972
%%
God will not give any soldier ammunition who is not willing to go into battle.
%%
God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for
scars.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
God will not suffer man to have the knowledge of things to come;
for if he had prescience of his prosperity he would be careless;
and understanding of his adversity he would be senseless.
 -- Augustine
%%
Godzilla gears up for a fatality... wait, Barney's surrounded by kids!
%%
:Godzillagram: /god-zil'*-gram/ n. [from Japan's national hero]
   1. A network packet that in theory is a broadcast to every machine
   in the universe.  The typical case is an IP datagram whose
   destination IP address is [255.255.255.255].  Fortunately, few
   gateways are foolish enough to attempt to implement this case!  2. A
   network packet of maximum size.  An IP Godzillagram has
   65,536 octets.  Compare {super source quench}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Godzilla will lead the monsters of the world against Barney.
%%
Goe to bed with the Lambe, and rise with the Larke.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues and his England, page 229
%%
:go flatline: [from cyberpunk SF, refers to flattening of EEG
   traces upon brain-death] vi., also adjectival `flatlined'. 1. To
   {die}, terminate, or fail, esp. irreversibly.  In hacker
   parlance, this is used of machines only, human death being
   considered somewhat too serious a matter to employ jargon-jokes
   about.  2. To go completely quiescent; said of machines undergoing
   controlled shutdown.  "You can suffer file damage if you shut down
   UNIX but power off before the system has gone flatline."  3. Of a
   video tube, to fail by losing vertical scan, so all one sees is a
   bright horizontal line bisecting the screen.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Go, forget me! why should sorrow
  O'er that brow a shadow fling?
Go, forget me, and to-morrow
  Brightly smile and sweetly sing!
Smile,--though I shall not be near thee;
Sing,--though I shall never hear thee!
 -- Charles Wolfe (1791-1823)
 -- Go, forget me!
%%
Go For It!
%%
Go for it! If it breaks it was worthless and would've broken anyway.
%%
Go Forth and Backup!
%%
Go FORTH and C PASCAL play COBOL with an APL.
%%
Go forth under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings.
 -- William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)
 -- Thanatopsis
%%
Go get a real estate license.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
Go get the bard off the floor.  We got some killing to do.
%%
Go Habs Go! and take the rest of the province with you!
%%
Go Hawaiian: Give your gal a lei.
%%
Go in a sack race.  It'll be good practice.
 -- More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Go Indians!  And take the Browns with you.
%%
Going as if he trod upon eggs.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 2, Memb. 3
%%
Going back to the origin is called peace...
%%
Going.....Going.....GONE.........!
%%
Going into a church in Havana, a poor woman paused by a cross and kissed the
 feet of Jesus. "Tell me," asked a soldier, "would you kiss the feet of your
 great leader Castro as well?" The woman replied, "Why, yes - as long as he
 was hung this way."
%%
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
%%
Going tagless has been a freeing experience!
%%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%%
Going through life pushing doors marked "Pull" ...
%%
Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all
 night looking for them that does you in.
 -- Casey Stengel
%%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Going to church makes you about as Christian as going to McDonalds
makes you a hamburger.
%%
Going to fly?  Walk, you'll get there faster!
%%
Going to the dentist can be more a matter of attitude than anything else.
 It can be a drilling time, or it can bore you to death. It all depends, I
 guess, on whether or not the dentist gets on your nerves.
%%
Going to the mountains is going home.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a
Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson (b. 1939), journalist
 -- A Letter to The Champion: a publication of the National Assoc.
 -- of Criminal Defense Lawyers (July 1990)
%%
Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train.
Are you going sixty miles an hour,
or is the train going sixty miles an hour
and you are just sitting still?
 -- Jean Paul Getty, American oil magnate and philantropist
%%
Going where no clusters have gone before.
%%
Going where no NC has gone before!
%%
Going where no reader has ever gone before!
%%
Go into the street and give on man a lecture on morality, give another man
a dollar, and see who respects you more.
%%
Go kiss a Wookie!
%%
:golden: adj. [prob. from folklore's `golden egg'] When used to
   describe a magnetic medium (e.g., `golden disk', `golden tape'),
   describes one containing a tested, up-to-spec, ready-to-ship
   software version.  Compare {platinum-iridium}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Golden rule principles are just as necessary for operating a business
profitably as are trucks, typrewriters or twine.
 -- James Cash Penney (founder of JCPenney Company)
%%
Goldfish don't bounce.
%%
GOLDFISH
  Small orange coloured fish designed to fit easily into cat's claws.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Ray Jones stops eating before he bursts.
%%
Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold!
Bright and yellow, hard and cold.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Miss Kilmansegg, Her Moral
%%
Goldilocks is about property rights.   Little Red Riding Hood is a tale
of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism.
 --  Bernard J. Hibbits
%%
Gold medalist, freestyle conclusion-jumping event.
%%
Gold, n.:
A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined
deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury
it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything
to them.
 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
Gold! Pure gold!
...Are you sure?
Yes, my lord. Behold...
Percy...it's _green_.
 -- Percy and Edmund : Money
%%
Go, lemmings, go!
%%
:golf-ball printer: n. The IBM 2741, a slow but letter-quality
   printing device and terminal based on the IBM Selectric
   typewriter.  The `golf ball' was a little spherical frob bearing
   reversed embossed images of 88 different characters arranged on
   four parallels of latitude; one could change the font by swapping
   in a different golf ball.  This was the technology that enabled APL
   to use a non-EBCDIC, non-ASCII, and in fact completely non-standard
   character set.  This put it 10 years ahead of its time --- where it
   stayed, firmly rooted, for the next 20, until character displays
   gave way to programmable bit-mapped devices with the flexibility to
   support other character sets.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Golf ... combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and
 hitting things with a stick. Try to tailor your golfing behavior to the
 low- key, low-pressure spirit of these antecedents. Calm the nerves of
 fellow players by talking cheerfully to them while they tee off or attempt
 to one-putt. Help the greenskeeper do his job by making sure that grass
 roots are well-aerated with divots. Give the caddy a chance to catch up on
 his aerobic exercises trotting alongside the golf cart with your bag on his
 shoulder. And don't hit things you aren't supposed to. An important aspect
 of golf is knowing what to hit.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
Golfer: A person who hits and tells.
%%
Golfers always sink their putts.
%%
Golfers do it in 18 holes.
%%
Golfers do it with long shafts.
%%
Golfers hit their balls with shafts.
%%
GOLFERS swing a stiff shaft.
%%
GOLFER--Yells "Fore!", Takes Five, Writes Down Three.
%%
Golfing is the art of using a bowed club and a flawed swing, a poor stance
 and tight shoes, a weak grip and a lose shank tape on the handle of the
 club, to hit a small ball badly toward the wrong hole, out of turn.
%%
Golf is a good walk spoiled. (It's good sportsmanship not to pick
up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.)
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Golf isn't a sport. It's landscaping with the wrong tools.
%%
Golf players never die, they just loose their balls.
%%
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
%%
Golf:  The game where ya gotta get it up to get it in...
%%
Golf, there's a thing that torments you and won't let you enjoy yourself.
 You've got to relax. I got out of this country's worst sand trap with just
 one stroke. Of course, the doctor said if I had another stroke like that it
 would be all over.
 -- Dave Astor
%%
Golf Tip:  To get more distance, simply smack the ball & run backwards.
%%
Golf:  You gotta have balls to play...
%%
Go, little booke! go, my little tragedie!
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Troilus and Creseide, Book v, Line 1798
%%
GolleeeEE, Sergeant Carter!!
%%
Golly Gosh!: G. Whiz
%%
      Go, lovely rose!
Tell her that wastes her time and me
      That now she knows,
When I resemble her to thee,
How sweet and fair she seems to be.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- Go, Lovely Rose
%%
Gone But Not Forgotten.  Remember Those People Who Are Not Here
%%
Gone Chopin, I'll be Bach in 1/2 hour Hayden my loot!
%%
Gone crazy, may be back later, leave message just in case.
%%
Gone Fishing: Rod Annette
%%
Gone, glimmering through the dream of things that were.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 2
%%
Gone With The Wind: George Uh
%%
Gon. Here is everything advantageous to life.
Ant. True; save means to live.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
:gonk: /gonk/ vt.,n. 1. To prevaricate or to embellish the truth
   beyond any reasonable recognition.  In German the term is
   (mythically) `gonken'; in Spanish the verb becomes `gonkar'.
   "You're gonking me.  That story you just told me is a bunch of
   gonk."  In German, for example, "Du gonkst mir" (You're pulling
   my leg).  See also {gonkulator}.  2. [British] To grab some
   sleep at an odd time; compare {gronk out}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:gonkulator: /gon'kyoo-lay-tr/ [from the old "Hogan's Heroes" TV
   series] n. A pretentious piece of equipment that actually serves no
   useful purpose.  Usually used to describe one's least favorite
   piece of computer hardware.  See {gonk}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gonna change my evil ways...  One of these days...
%%
Gonna live while I'm alive - I'll sleep when I'm dead.
%%
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
%%
Go not to the machines for counsel, for they will say both 0 and 1.
%%
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no,
and yes, and no, and yes....
%%
:gonzo: /gon'zoh/ [from Hunter S. Thompson] adj. Overwhelming;
   outrageous; over the top; very large, esp. used of collections of
   source code, source files, or individual functions.  Has some of
   the connotations of {moby} and {hairy}, but without the
   implication of obscurity or complexity.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Good actions ennoble us, and we are the sons of our own deeds.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
GOOD, adj.  Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer.
Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
 -- La Rouchefoucauld
%%
Good afternoon, Tech Pacific, Tara speaking...
 -- Tara
%%
Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking.  I would like
to remind you that according to FAA regulations, this flight
has been declared a non smoking flight.  If you absolutely
must light up, you are invited to step outside.
%%
Good artists copy, great artists steal.
 -- Steve Jobs, commenting on
 -- early Macintosh design philosophy, and the Apple vs. HP/Microsoft suit.
%%
Good at a fight, but better at a play;
Godlike in giving, but the devil to pay.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- On a Cast of Sheridan's Hand
%%
Good behavior is the last refuge of mediocrity.
%%
Good books need no push!
%%
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how
little we think of the other person.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), Notebooks(1935)
%%
Good breeding shows itself most where, to an ordinary eye, it appears least.
 -- Addison
%%
Good but rarely came from good advice.
 -- Lord Byron
%%
Goodbye, Blackadder. I'd say 'Bon Voyage', but there's no point. You'll
  be dead in three months.
...I love you, Walter. I hope you know that.
 -- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato
%%
Goodbye, Everybody!
 -- Last words of Hart Crane, poet,
 -- who committed suicide by jumping overboard during a steamship voyage.
%%
Goodbye -     F%*k off.
 -- The everyday versatility of the "F" word
%%
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
 -- George Saunders' dying words
%%
Goodbye Millionaire's Row, hello room 12 of the Budley-Salterton
  Twilight Rest Home for the Terminally Short of Cash.
 -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Goodbye, Mr. Bond!
%%
 Good cleavage.
 -- Mr. Spock
 -- The Apple, after breaking an indigenous rock.
%%
Good clothes and good neighbors wear longest when they are not used too
 often.
%%
Good company and good discourse are the very sinews of virtue.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Compleat Angler, Part i, Chap. ii
%%
Good conversation is as stimulating as black coffee,
and just as hard to sleep after.
 -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
%%
Good conversation, like a defensive driver, yields the right of way.
 -- William Walter De Bolt
%%
Good customers are rarer than latinum! ... Treasure them!
 -- Quark
%%
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
%%
Good day for flying but bad day for landings....
%%
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
%%
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
%%
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
%%
Good day to get a little extra sleep.
%%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%%
Good die young.  Why live if you must be good?
%%
Good drink, good meat; Good God, let's eat!.
 -- Homer in "Eating Dinner" (Tracy Ullman Show), from The Simpsons
%%
Good Eats, Good Friends and Money.  That's all I need.
%%
Good enough is never good enough.
 -- Steckel's Rule to Success
%%
Good Evening, I'm Ted Modem and This.......is TAGLINE.
%%
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the universal amphitheater.
%%
Good evening, Lord Blackadder.
Well, it certainly is _now_...
 -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head
%%
Good evening, Mr. Phelps.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to....
%%
Good evening. Tonight's story concerns the death of Bob...
%%
Good fences make good neighbors.
%%
Good for 1 (one) hug, redeemable from your local friend.
%%
Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions.
%%
Good friends and fish stink after 3 days
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
(The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish
than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.)
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
%%
Good girls go to heaven... but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!!
%%
"Good Golly Gosh!" by G. Whizz
%%
Good golly, Miss Molly!
%%
Good Grief! - The Sysop is Actually On The Board!!
%%
Good gun control is when you hit what you were aiming at.
%%
Good Habits are hard to cultivate, Bad Habits are impossible to weed.
%%
Good health and good sense are two of life's greatest blessings.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 827
%%
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%%
Good health will be yours for a long time.
%%
Good health will be yours for a long time. All of your friend will die
before you.
%%
Good healthy attitudes are the ones everyone agrees with, because
if we didn't agree with it, it wouldn't be very healthy.
%%
Good Housekeeping: Lottie Dust
%%
Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness its poison.
 -- Stanislaus
%%
Good intentions always randomize behavior.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Good intentions are far more difficult to cope with than malicious behavior.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Good is recognized only when it goes away, evil when it comes.
%%
Good job! You have killed the flying dragon! The carcass smolders
a a moment, then with a great blast disappears in a cloud of smoke!
%%
Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from
bad judgment.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
%%
Good LARD, isn't  Feminizm  *dead* yet?
%%
Good lawyers are even rarer than honest politicians.
%%
Good lawyers can get sodomy reduced to following to close.
%%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%%
Goodle (n.)
 The puddle on the bar into wich the barman puts your change in.
%%
Good literature is about Love and War. Trash fiction is about Sex and
 Violence.
 -- Author Unknown
%%
Good Lord! Captain Blackadder! I thought you were...
...Playing tennis?
 -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Good luck!
%%
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success.
%%
Good managers learn to share decisions with others even though they
alone must accept responsibility for the results.
%%
Good manners and bad breath will get ya nowhere (Elvis Costello)
%%
Good manners are the settled medium of social, as
specie is of commercial, life; returns are equally expected
for both.
 -- Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773)
 -- Letters to his Son (1774) 25 December 1753
%%
Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people's bad manners.
 -- H. Jackson Browne, P. S. I Love You
%%
GoodMoaning.
%%
Good morning, campers!
%%
"Good morning.  For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X;
 I am Dr. X's representative on Earth."
%%
Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
%%
`Good Morning' is a contradiction in terms
%%
Good morning! Is an opinion, not a greeting.
%%
'Good morning Mistress Ploppy', he'd say..and _I'd_ say..'Good morning,
  _Mr_ Ploppy'...!!!!
 .......The long winter evenings must just _fly_ by...
 -- Mrs Ploppy and Edmund : Head
%%
Good morning, Mr. Phelps...
%%
Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
%%
Good morning, this is the telephone company.  Due to repairs,
we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut
off indefinitely at ten o'clock--that's two minutes from now.
%%
Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls:
Who steals my purse steals trash; 't is something, nothing;
'T was mine, 't is his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Good-nature and good sense are usually companions.
%%
Goodness does not consist in greatness, but greatness in goodness.
 -- Athenaeus (c. 200 AD)
 -- The Deipnosophists, xiv, 6
%%
Goodness is beauty in its best estate.
 -- Marlowe
%%
Goodness is the root of all evil.
%%
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
%%
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. Pay no attention to him.
%%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%%
Good news seldom if ever arrives by registered mail.
%%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%%
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody..  Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
 to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Goodnight
 -- Lord Byron
%%
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
 -- Jimmy Durante
%%
Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels take thee to thy rest.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%%
Good old days: Beer foamed and drinking water didn't.
%%
Good orators, when they are out, they will spit.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
 -- Dr. R. F. Gumperson
%%
Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.
 -- William Saroyan
%%
 Good people like I are never self-righteous.
 -- Grammar rules for the unenlightened
%%
Good people must die, but death cannot kill memories.
%%
Good pitching will always beat good hitting and vice-versa.
 -- Joe Garagiola
%%
Good place to put things--cellars.
 -- Dr. McCoy, REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS
%%
Good planets R hard 2 find
 -- earth pix caption
%%
Good programmers never die... they just get swapped out!
%%
Good Programmers type copy con Program.exe
%%
Good questions outrank easy answers.
 -- Paul A. Samuelson
%%
Good, Quick, Cheap.  Pick any two!
%%
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
 -- Robert E. Schenk
%%
Good Scouting can always outmaneuver Murphy's law.
%%
Good sense about trivialities is better than nonsense about things that matter.
 -- Max Beerbohm
%%
Good sense, which only is the gift of Heaven,
And though no science, fairly worth the seven.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle iv, Line 43
%%
Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
%%
Good Steak!: T. Bone
%%
Good supervision is the art of getting average people to do superior work.
%%
Good Tags never die, They just get Sniped.
%%
Good talkers are only found in Paris.
 -- Francois Villon (c. 1430-1484)
 -- Des Femmes de Paris, ii
%%
Good taste is always an asset.
 -- Rudy Bakalov
%%
Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.
%%
Good teachers, said a bank, should be rewarded. With that in mind, the bank
 ask various educational officers to submit names for a check for $ l000.00
 and a "plague." With a bank giving good teachers a "plague," it is easy to
 see why they are so few in number.
%%
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
 -- Gail Godwin
%%
Good tea. Nice house.
 -- Worf, "The Survivors", stardate 43152.4
%%
Good Television (Shows)
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Good, terrific, I'm really looking forward to this.
Danger, excitment, sudden death. I can't wait....
 -- Vila
%%
Good, the more
Communicated, more abundant grows.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book v, Line 71
%%
GOOD
  The opposite of bad. Just down the road from nice. Around the
  corner from great. A world away from nasty. And simply not related
  to flowerpot.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Good thing about New York:  Annual abandoned-auto show.
%%
:Good Thing: n.,adj. Often capitalized; always pronounced as if
   capitalized.  1. Self-evidently wonderful to anyone in a position
   to notice: "The Trailblazer's 19.2Kbaud PEP mode with on-the-fly
   Lempel-Ziv compression is a Good Thing for sites relaying
   netnews."  2. Something that can't possibly have any ill
   side-effects and may save considerable grief later: "Removing the
   self-modifying code from that shared library would be a Good
   Thing."  3. When said of software tools or libraries, as in "YACC
   is a Good Thing", specifically connotes that the thing has
   drastically reduced a programmer's work load.  Oppose {Bad
   Thing}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Good things come to those who gain weight.
%%
Good things cost less than bad ones.
%%
Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.
%%
Good to be merie and wise.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ii
%%
Good to the heels the well-worn slipper feels
  When the tired player shuffles off the buskin;
A page of Hood may do a fellow good
  After a scolding from Carlyle or Ruskin.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- How not to settle it
%%
Good WHAT? really is the way to a Lady's heart.
%%
Goodwill is achieved by many actions; it can be lost by one.
%%
Good wine and brave men don't last long.
%%
Good wine needs no bush.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Epilogue
%%
Good wits jump;
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. xxxvi
%%
Good Works: Ben Evolent
%%
Good writers define reality; bad ones merely restate it. A good writer
turns fact into truth; a bad writer will, more often than not, accomplish
the opposite.
 -- Edward Albee (1928- )
 -- Quoted in The Saturday Review, May 4, 1966
%%
Go oft to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the unused path.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Goofy -- [adj.]  1) strange, unusual [See also: Ross Perot]
%%
Googol bottles of beer on the wall.
%%
Go on and try it. The worst you can do is make a fool
of yourself in front of all your friends
%%
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Go on, get out.  Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
 -- Karl Marx to his housekeeper
%%
Go on, just hit me! ...Name:Esc, #:27, Rank:UL..
%%
Go on, my friend, and fear nothing; you carry Caesar and his fortunes
in your boat.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Caesar
%%
Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
 and gunpowder and cordite!
 -- Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
%%
'...Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes just like chicken, it
 tastes just like chicken!'    If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you
  gimme some damn chicken??
 -- Bob Goldthwait
%%
Goooood Morning Iraq!
%%
goose down: a way to get a slow climber to descend quickly.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
GOOSE, n.  A bird that supplies quills for writing.  These, by some
occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various
degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character,
so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person
called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript
of the fowl's thought and feeling.  The difference in geese, as
discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable:  many are found
to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be
very great geese indeed.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gooshie!  Center me on #*%!$%@ NO CARRIER
%%
Gooshie: King of the Planet Halitosis
%%
Goosnargh.

Alright, how would you react if I said that I'm not from Guildford after all,
but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Go out, get drunk, fall over, crawl home
 -- The Jez Shervell Book of Boozing
%%
Go over my head again and I'll have yours on a platter.
%%
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in
silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all
persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to
the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive
persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser
persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep
interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the
world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.  Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the
grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things
of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do
not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and
loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a
child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to
be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is
unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive
Him to be.  And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of
life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
 -- Max Ehrman (1872-1945) - "Desiderata" (1927)
%%
Go, poor devil, get thee gone! Why should I hurt thee? This world
surely is wide enough to hold both thee and me.
 -- Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)
 -- Tristram Shandy, Vol. ii, chap, xii
%%
Go Rangers! Isn't Baseball fun. :-)
%%
Gorba-chef -- What's he cooking up now?
%%
Gorbachev has stolen our issues.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, when Gorbachev visited
     China and espoused liberty, freedom and democracy
%%
GORBACHEX: Popular Russian Breakfast cereal
%%
Gordian Knot Lock Co.
%%
Gordon does it in a Flash.
%%
Go real slow, you like it more and more. Take it as it comes, specialize
 in having fun.
 -- The Doors
%%
GORE = Gennifer's Only Remaining Enterprise
%%
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
%%
Gore-tex: byproduct of the Texas chain saw massacre.
%%
:gorets: /gor'ets/ n. The unknown ur-noun, fill in your own
   meaning.  Found esp. on the USENET newsgroup alt.gorets, which
   seems to be a running contest to redefine the word by implication
   in the funniest and most peculiar way, with the understanding that
   no definition is ever final.  [A correspondent from the Former
   Soviet Union informs me that `gorets' is Russian for `mountain
   dweller' --- ESR] Compare {frink}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gorgonized me from head to foot,
  With a stony British stare.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Maud, Part i, Sect. xiii, Stanza 2
%%
GORGON, n.
    The Gorgon was a maiden bold
    Who turned to stone the Greeks of old
    That looked upon her awful brow.
    We dig them out of ruins now,
    And swear that workmanship so bad
    Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gorgons and Hydras and Chimaeras dire.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 628
%%
:gorilla arm: n. The side-effect that destroyed touch-screens as a
   mainstream input technology despite a promising start in the early
   1980s.  It seems the designers of all those {spiffy} touch-menu
   systems failed to notice that humans aren't designed to hold their
   arms in front of their faces making small motions.  After more than
   a very few selections, the arm begins to feel sore, cramped, and
   oversized --- the operator looks like a gorilla while using the
   touch screen and feels like one afterwards.  This is now considered
   a classic cautionary tale to human-factors designers; "Remember
   the gorilla arm!" is shorthand for "How is this going to fly in
   *real* use?".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gorkon: "Don't let it end this way."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9523.8
%%
Gorkon: "If there is to be a brave new world, our generation is going to have
  the hardest time living in it."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Gorkon: "Well...I see we have a long way to go."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
Gorkon: "You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read it in the
  original Klingon."
 -- "STVI:TUC", Stardate 9522.6
%%
:go root: [UNIX] vi. To temporarily enter {root mode} in order
   to perform a privileged operation.  This use is deprecated in
   Australia, where v. `root' refers to animal sex.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:gorp: /gorp/ [CMU: perhaps from the canonical hiker's food, Good
   Old Raisins and Peanuts] Another {metasyntactic variable}, like
   {foo} and {bar}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
gorp: mealtime sound made by a hungry alpinist.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
GORS: GO Real Slow
%%
Gort, klaatu nikto barada.
 -- The Day the Earth Stood Still
%%
Go Saints Go (Christians, that is...)
%%
"Gosh, Dr. Heller... even your Death Ray doesn't work!"
  "By Gar!  How do you kill a dead dog?"
 -- Flaming Carrot and Dr. Heller try to, err, kill, a dead dog
%%
Gosheven: "Here we will stand."
Data: "Then here you will die."
 -- "The Ensigns Of Command", Stardate unknown
%%
Gosh, I didn't know TEFLON could melt !!
%%
"Gosh, I feel my IQ dropping by the minute."
 -- From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE
%%
"Gosh, Mr. Monster... You're SWELL! I wanna be jus' like you when I grow up!"
  "Ha Ha!  Well... OF COURSE you do!"
 -- A sentimental moment in MR. MONSTER
%%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell.
 -- Doctor Who
 -- Doctor Who, The Androids of Tara
%%
:GOSMACS: /goz'maks/ [contraction of `Gosling EMACS'] n. The first
   {EMACS}-in-C implementation, predating but now largely eclipsed by
   {GNUMACS}.  Originally freeware; a commercial version is now
   modestly popular as `UniPress EMACS'.  The author (James Gosling)
   went on to invent {NeWS}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Go softly....it's dark out there
%%
Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.
%%
Go, Soul, the body's guest,
  Upon a thankless arrant:
Fear not to touch the best,
  The truth shall be thy warrant:
    Go, since I needs must die,
    And give the world the lie.
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- The Lie
%%
Go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go!!!
%%
:Gosperism: /gos'p*r-izm/ A hack, invention, or saying due to
   arch-hacker R. William (Bill) Gosper.  This notion merits its own
   term because there are so many of them.  Many of the entries in
   {HAKMEM} are Gosperisms; see also {life}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gossip is the opiate of the depressed.
%%
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
%%
Go straight to the docs.  Do not pass GO.  Do not collect $200!
%%
GOSUB:coffee;work;RETURN:
%%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%%
Got a clue?  Share with others!
%%
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,
1-800-AUDITME.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
Got a dog for my girlfriend, was a fair trade.
%%
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
%%
Got a message from the action man, "I'm happy, hope you're happy too."
 -- David Bowie
%%
Got a monkey on my back; a muh-muh-muh-muh-monkey on my
 back-back, back-back ...
 ...nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nobody's fault but mine
 -- Led Zeppelin
%%
Got any dirty GIF's of your SysOp?  Wanna buy some?
%%
Got any gravel?  I need to fill some of these potholes in memory lane.
%%
Got any naked GIF's of your girlfriend? (Wanna buy a few?)
%%
Got ASIC PAL? Send a basic gw card.
%%
:gotcha: n. A {misfeature} of a system, especially a programming
   language or environment, that tends to breed bugs or mistakes
   because it both enticingly easy to invoke and completely unexpected
   and/or unreasonable in its outcome.  For example, a classic gotcha
   in {C} is the fact that `if (a=b) {code;}' is
   syntactically valid and sometimes even correct.  It puts the value
   of `b' into `a' and then executes `code' if
   `a' is non-zero.  What the programmer probably meant was
   `if (a==b) {code;}', which executes `code' if
   `a' and `b' are equal.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"
 -- Post Brothers Comics
%%
Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
%%
Got it straight now? Good.
%%
Got Kleptomania? Then take something for it!
%%
Got Mole problems?
 Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
%%
Got my Uzi, got some Scotch...let's go to Disneyland!
%%
Got naked photos of the Sysop? No? Wanna buy some?
%%
Go to bed. What you're staying up for isn't worth it.
 -- Andy Rooney
%%
Go to friends for advice; to women for pity; to strangers for charity;
to relatives for nothing.
%%
GOTO, GOING TO, GONE TO ~ Borg subroutine
%%
Go to grass.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- The Little French Lawyer, Act iv, Sc. 7
%%
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Go to hell, Avon....
 -- Servalan
Probably....
 -- Avon
%%
Go to Hell Mr. Stout -- you stink as a human being.
 -- Deb Paul
%%
"Go to Hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question
deserves.
 -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to
complain about unstructured programmers.
 -- Ray Simard
%%
Go to sleep and dream of the tragedy that is your life.
%%
"GOTO statement considered harmful"
The unrestricted use of a GOTO statement is considered to be harmful because
it hampers program understandability. Consequently, a programmer should justify
every use of a GOTO statement.
 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, letter in CACM 11, 3 (March, 1968)
%%
Go to the 28th annual snail & slug festival! music-rides-games-prizes...
Fun for the whole family.
%%
Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs vi, 6
%%
Go to the icebox get me a Beer.
%%
Gotta have my Corn Pops...
%%
Gotta love me...I'm the baby.
 -- baby dinosaur, DINOSAURS
%%
Gotta run.  My neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
%%
Got the Blues?  Try something Silver!
%%
Got the rest? Try the best: PacketBoy for Windows!
%%
Got the sex duh-rive ... driving 'm mad ...
%%
Got to go, I think a SCUD just landed in my livingroom.
%%
Got to go, the dinner's fighting and the kids are burning.
%%
Got your seatbelt on? I saw this trick in a movie once...think I can do it...
%%
Goulden's Axiom of the Bouncing Can: If you drop a full can of beer, and
remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing
gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would
splatter you if you didn't do a damn thing and went ahead and pulled
the top immediately.
 -- Joseph C. Goulden
%%
GOUT, n.  A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Gov. Dukakis, rebuttal?"
  "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy."
 -- From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
%%
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Do not overdo it.
 -- Lao-Tzu
%%
Government action and inaction both gravely impair business confidence.
 -- Mark Epernay
%%
Government as substitute husband.
%%
Government can be a kind of gangsterism and is in Russia and is
likely to be here if we don't take care of ourselves pretty carefully.
 -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959),
 -- on Mike Wallace Asks, T.V. Interview, 1958
%%
Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense.
 -- The Watergate Principle
%%
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
 -- Wiker's Law
%%
Government for one, to hell with majority!
%%
Government Intelligence - Another OXYMORON!
%%
Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement
than they have to our knowledge.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Government is a burden on the people.
%%
Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
 -- John Updike, Couples
%%
Government is a trust, and the officers of the government are trustees;
and both the trust and the trustees are created for the benefit of
the people.
 -- Henry Clay (1777-1852)
 -- Speech at Ashland, Ky., March 1829
%%
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite
at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
 -- Ronald Reagan, "Saturday Evening Post" 1965
%%
Government is non-consensual S&M with the second
amendment as the only safeword
%%
Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire,
a troublesome servant and a fearful master.  Never for a moment should
it be left to irresponsible action.
 -- George Washington
%%
Government isn't the solution, it's the problem.
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
Government is the great fiction whereby everyone
endeavors to live at the expense of everyone else
%%
Government is the only known enemy of intelligent life.
%%
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
different lies.
%%
Government of the people, by the lawyers, for the conservatives.
%%
Government protection should be thrown around every wild grove and forest
on the mountains, as it is around every private orchard, and the trees in
public parks. To say nothing of their value as fountains of timber, they
are worth infinitely more than all the gardens and parks of towns.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
Government run health care makes me sick!
%%
Government said Americans are all geographically illiterate and
 economically ignorant. It's true. How many times you said to yourself:
 "Where did all my money go?"
 -- Alan Prophet
%%
Government should spend our money like it was their own.
%%
Governments last as long as the under-taxed can defend themselves
from the over-taxed.
%%
Governments, like physicians, must simultaneously be the masters
and the servants of those whom they govern.
 -- Harry V. Jaffa
%%
Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
doesn't know much.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Governments that don't trust most people with weapons, deserve no trust.
%%
Government sucks.
 -- Ben Olson
%%
Government Survey Shows Government Surveys Are Accurate.
%%
Government.SYS corrupt. Reboot President? (Y/N/Q) Y
%%
Government Tagline. Takes up space, no known function.
%%
Government: the ultimate con game.
%%
    Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe.
There are no longer any citizens in the world; there are only
subjects.  They work day in and day out for their masters;
they are bound to die for their masters at call.  Out of this
working and dying they tend to get less and less.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
Government under democracy is government by orgy...almost by orgasm.
%%
Government: You make it, we take it.
%%
Gov't corrupt. (A)bolish, (R)evolt, (I)gnore Constitution?
%%
Govt. failure! Boot President, Reformat Congress? (Y/n)
%%
GOVT.SYS corrupt - (R)ecall, (R)ebel, (E)ject.
%%
Go water skiing, but keep the other ski as a spare.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
%%
Go west, old man.
 -- Irving "Swifty" Lazar (from Moss Hart)
%%
Go where glory waits thee!
But while fame elates thee,
  Oh, still remember me!
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Go where Glory waits thee
%%
Go where no man has gone b4! The ladies Bathroom!
%%
Go where the money is.
 -- Bank robber Willie Sutton
%%
Go with the Flow.
 -- Bernoulli's Law
%%
Go with the universe, then.  You're soaking in one now.
%%
Go with the warp!
%%
Gowron:  Blue-eyed Klingon Soul.
%%
Gowron: "That could take hours!"
K'Ehleyr: "Or days, depending on your cooperation."
 -- "Reunion", Stardate unknown
%%
Go! you may call it madness, folly;
  You shall not chase my gloom away!
There 's such a charm in melancholy
  I would not if I could be gay.
 -- Samuel Rogers (1763-1855)
%%
Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

       "I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.     The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
        "Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them ..."
 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
Gozer the Gozerian:   As the duly appointed representative of the city,
 county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural
 activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or
 the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest.
 -- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, _Ghostbusters_
%%
Gozzo, come quick- and bring the electrodes!
%%
GPCR: Generate Petty Cache Request
%%
GP fault at 0009:0483 - Operator halted!
%%
:GPL: /G-P-L/ n. Abbreviation for `General Public License' in
   widespread use; see {copyleft}, {General Public
   Virus}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:GPV: /G-P-V/ n. Abbrev. for {General Public Virus} in
   widespread use.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Grab all the taglines you can!
%%
Grab your Cape/And drop the phone/Your next stop is/The Joker Zone
%%
Grab your egg-and-fours and let's get the bacon delivered!
%%
Grac'd as thou art with all the power of words,
So known, so honour'd at the House of Lords.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Epistle vi, Book i, To, Mr. Murray
%%
Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty,
hesitation or incongruity.
 -- William Hazlitt
%%
GRACES, n.  Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne,
who attended upon Venus, serving without salary.  They were at no
expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and
dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to
be blowing.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye,
In every gesture dignity and love.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 488
%%
Grades are not why people go to school. You go to school to learn the
    basics so that you apply it to REALLY learn in real life. What grade you
    got today will never predict what you will be in, say, ten years from now.
 -- Gordon Wong
%%
Grad school - just say no.
%%
Graduate Cum Laude from Miskatonic University.
%%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%%
Graduate of the Darth Vader School of Personnel Management.
%%
Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
%%
Graduate of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies.
%%
Graduate of the Mad Max School of Defensive Driving.
%%
Graduate of the Uncle Fester School of Party Etiquette.
%%
Graduates do it by degrees.
%%
Graduate, Whatsamatta U. School of Management.
%%
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
%%
Graffiti is a language people who use public places seem to speak.
%%
Grain grows best in shit.
 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
%%
Grain! Hops! Barley! Sounds like breakfast to me.
%%
Grammarian, orator, geometrician; painter, gymnastic teacher, physician;
fortune-teller, rope-dancer, conjuror,--he knew everything.
 -- Juvenal (47-138 AD)
 -- Satire iii, 76
%%
Grammarians never die-they fall into a comma.
%%
Grammar, n.  A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet
for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to
distinction.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Grammar POLICE AT WORK - CLEANING UP THE LANGUAGE
%%
Grammar, which knows how to control even kings.
 -- Jean Baptiste Moliere (1622-1673)
 -- Les Femmes savantes, Act ii, Sc. 6
%%
Grandchildren: God's reward for parents who survive.
%%
Grandkids - God's reward for not strangling your own children.
%%
Grandma got run over by a dragon.
%%
Grandma got run over by a reindeer...
%%
Grandparents: reliable baby-sitting.
%%
*?  <--  Grandpa Tribble with his cane
%%
Grand Slam Event:  A honeymoon...
%%
Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I'm concerned.
 -- Gene Autry
%%
Grant me the strength to ignore ignorance
%%
Grant that the old Adam in these persons may be so buried, that the
new man may be raised up in them.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- Baptism of those of Riper Years
%%
Grape Nehi - Arkansas beer?
%%
GRAPE, n.
    Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung,
        Anacreon and Khayyam;
    Thy praise is ever on the tongue
        Of better men than I am.

    The lyre in my hand has never swept,
        The song I cannot offer:
    My humbler service pray accept --
        I'll help to kill the scoffer.

    The water-drinkers and the cranks
        Who load their skins with liquor --
    I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks
        And tap them with my sticker.

    Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools
        When e'er we let the wine rest.
    Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
        And every kind of vine-pest!
                                                       Jamrach Holobom
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Grapenut is working, but it is working as Chestnut.   The cables have
been switched, so Chestnut printing continues even though Chestnut the
printer is in bed with a cold.  Grapenut printing has been halted, even
though Grapenut the printer is printing under an assumed name
(Chestnut).
 -- Jason Schreibeis, from an Operations ser
%%
Grape nuts is a social disease.
%%
Grape nuts?  What do they do with the rest of the grape?
%%
GRAPESHOT, n.  An argument which the future is preparing in answer to
the demands of American Socialism.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Grape:  Uninteresting larval stage of wine.
%%
Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing unwanted
wiggly things.
 -- from a 1A Engineering maths lecture :
%%
Grass growing from sidewalk cracks never turns brown.
%%
Grasshopper always wrong in argument with chicken.
 -- Book of Chan compiled by O.P.U. sect
%%
Grasshoppotamus:  A creature that can leap to tremendous heights...  once.
%%
GRASSY KNOLL
  It's so lucky that someone happened to be filming when JFK got
  shot. Ever since then, they've made sure that there is a camera
  trained on the President 24 hours a day. Which is why we always see
  Bill Clinton jogging, eating McDonalds, etc. About the only thing
  we don't get to see him doing is having a crap in the White House
  Out House.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
GRATEFUL DEAD    The motif of a cycle of folk tales which begin with the hero's
coming upon a group of people ill-treating or refusing to bury the corpse of
a man who had died without paying his debts.  He gives his last penny either
to pay the man's debts or to give him a decent burial.  Within a few hours he
meets with a travelling companion who aids him in some impossible task, gets
him a fortune, saves his life, etc.  The story ends with the companion's
disclosing himself as the man whose corpse the other had befriended.
 -- FUNK & WAGNALLS
 -- NEW PRACTICAL STANDARD DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
 -- BRITANNICA WORLD LANGUAGE EDITION, VOL.1, 1955
%%
Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in
all Venice. His reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels
of chaff: you shall seek all day ere you find them, and when you have
them, they are not worth the search.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Gratitude is best and most effective when it does not evaporate itself
in empty phrases.
 -- Magnifico Giganticus (aka the Mule)
%%
Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
 -- Francious de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all
the others.
 -- Cicero
%%
Gratitude is something of which none of us can give too much. For
on the smiles, the thanks we give, our little gestures of appreciation,
our neighbors build up their philosophy of life.
 -- A. J. Cronin
%%
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
 -- Joseph Alsop
%%
:grault: /grawlt/ n. Yet another {metasyntactic variable}, invented by
   Mike Gallaher and propagated by the {GOSMACS} documentation.  See
   {corge}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gravediggers die to do it.
%%
"Grave Mistakes" by Paul Bearer
%%
GRAVE, n.  A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of
the medical student.

    Beside a lonely grave I stood --
        With brambles 'twas encumbered;
    The winds were moaning in the wood,
        Unheard by him who slumbered,

    A rustic standing near, I said:
        "He cannot hear it blowing!"
    "'Course not," said he:  "the feller's dead --
        He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going."

    "Too true," I said; "alas, too true --
        No sound his sense can quicken!"
    "Well, mister, wot is that to you? --
        The deadster ain't a-kickin'."

    I knelt and prayed:  "O Father, smile
        On him, and mercy show him!"
    That countryman looked on the while,
        And said:  "Ye didn't know him."
                                                         Pobeter Dunko
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
graven - a very serious `n'
%%
Graves dug to custom fits.
%%
Graves: Sure wish he would end up in one.
%%
Gravidity - what keeps you from floating off the planet.
%%
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
GRAVITATION, n.  The tendency of all bodies to approach one another
with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain --
the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength
of their tendency to approach one another.  This is a lovely and
edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B,
makes B the proof of A.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Gravity always gets me down.
%%
Gravity brings me down.
%%
Gravity doesn't suck, the earth does.
%%
Gravity increases geometrically with alcohol consumed.
%%
Gravity increases geometrically with beer consumed.
%%
Gravity is a law.  Lawbreakers will be brought down!
%%
Gravity is a mystery of the body, invented to conceal the defects of the mind.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%%
Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.
%%
Gravity isn't my fault. Hey, I voted for velcro.
%%
Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
%%
Gravity: it's not just a great idea... it's the law!
%%
Gravity sure can be rough at times.
%%
:gray goo: n. A hypothetical substance composed of {sagan}s of
   sub-micron-sized self-replicating robots programmed to make copies
   of themselves out of whatever is available.  The image that goes
   with the term is one of the entire biosphere of Earth being
   eventually converted to robot goo.  This is the simplest of the
   {{nanotechnology}} disaster scenarios, easily refuted by arguments
   from energy requirements and elemental abundances.  Compare {blue
   goo}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
Gray hair is often a sign that the beautician is on vacation.
%%
Great American sport.  Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/5/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
Great, another woman who won't get personal with me on the holodeck.
 -- Geordi, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
%%
Great big gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher's guts,
 Mutilated monkey meat,
 Little birdies dirty feet.
 Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher's guts,
 And I forgot my spoon!
%%
GREATBIGOSAURUS
  Last of the great dinosaurs, the Greatbigosaurus became extinct
  just last week, when it got run down by a film-crew on its way to
  film a Traffic Accident Commission commercial. Well, come on, if
  you were 65 million years old, you'd be a little slow crossing the
  street too.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Great bouncing icebergs!
 -- Santa
%%
Great Britain has lost an Empire and has not yet found a role.
 -- Acheson, Dean (1893-1971) [1962.12.05]
 -- Speech at the Military Academy, West Point
 -- in Vital Speeches 1 January 1963, p. 163
%%
Great Caesar fell.
O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!
Then I, and you, and all of us fell down,
Whilst bloody treason flourish'd over us.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Great code is not written by people in gray flannel suits.
%%
Great composer, but hasn't written much lately.
 -- Richard Caley
%%
Great computers are not developed by people in gray flannel suits.
%%
Great contest follows, and much learned dust.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iii, The Garden, Line 161
%%
Great Cooks Are NOT Appreciated.
%%
Great Cooks Are Not Found In Kitchens Only In Heaven.
%%
Great Dames for sale.
%%
Great Dane of a Lane
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.
 -- Herodotus
%%
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for
his friends.
 -- New Testament
 -- John xv, 13
%%
Great errors seldom originate but with men of great minds.
 -- Petrarch
%%
 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
 * Hourly motel rates
 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II like some
     countries we could mention
 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
 -- David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans"
%%
Great events make me quiet and calm; it is only trifles that irritate
my nerves.
 -- Queen Victoria in a letter to King Leopold of Belgium, April 4, 1848
%%
Great families of yesterday we show,
And lords, whose parents were the Lord knows who.
 -- Daniel Defoe (1660-1731)
 -- The True-Born Englishman, Part i, Line 1
%%
Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em and little
 fleas have lesser fleas and so ad infinitum
 -- Augustus de Morgan
%%
Great goal! That was one in a million!
%%
Great Gobs o' goose grease!  A computer
%%
Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts!
%%
Great hardware is not designed by people in gray flannel suits.
%%
Great hunks of this quote ripped out screaming...
%%
Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.
 -- C.D. Jackson
%%
Greatings Earthling.  Take me to your Sysop!
%%
Great is Diana of the Ephesians.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts xix, 28
%%
Great is the art of beginning, but greater the art of ending...
 -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
Great is truth, and mighty above all things.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Esdras iv, 41
%%
Great job! You have killed the slimey nostril monster! He (she?)
has has turned into a puddle on the floor and has slowly evaporated.
%%
Great.  Just what we need.  A manic bard who can't sing.
%%
Great leaders are rare, so I'm following myself.
%%
Great let me call him, for he conquered me.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- The Revenge, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Great Lover, n.:
      A man who can breathe through his ears.
%%
Great men are not always wise.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxii, 9
%%
Great men are they who see that spiritual is stronger than any force,
that thoughts rule the world.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 -- Progress of Culture
%%
Great minds always meet at infinity.
%%
Great minds discuss ideas.  Small minds discuss people.
%%
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
 -- Washington Irving
%%
Great minds run in great circles.
%%
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
%%
Great move! He has done damage to your leg! I have a bandage, but
you you won't be able to carry as much as before.
%%
Great! My cat has been cashing my reality checks again!
%%
Greatness is a road leading towards the unknown.
 -- Charles DeGaulle
%%
Greatness is a transitory experience.  It is never consistent.
%%
Great occasions do not make heroes or cowards; they simply unveil them
to the eyes of men.
 -- Brooke Foss Westcott
%%
Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us
every day.
 -- Sally Koch
%%
"Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to
 light the fraternity of strangers."
 -- Victor Hugo (1802-1885)
%%
Great Pompey's shade complains that we are slow,
And Scipio's ghost walks unaveng'd amongst us!
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
:Great Renaming: n. The {flag day} in 1985 on which all of the
   non-local groups on the {USENET} had their names changed from
   the net.- format to the current multiple-hierarchies scheme.  Used
   esp. in discussing the history of newsgroup names.  "The oldest
   sources group is comp.sources.misc; before the Great Renaming,
   it was net.sources."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Great Scott, sir! You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give
  Harry Hun a good old British-style thrashing, six of the best,
  trousers down?
...If you mean, 'Are we all going to get killed?', then...yes.
 -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Great shot kid.  Don't get cocky!
 -- Han Solo to Luke. (Star Wars)
%%
Great shot! That was one in a million!
%%
Great souls by instinct to each other turn. Demand alliance, and
in friendship burn.
 -- Addison
%%
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities.
 The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly
 submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his
 intelligence.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Great Tennis Matches: Davis Skupp
%%
Great things are done when men and mountains meet.
%%
Great things can be reduced to small things,
and small things can be reduced to nothing.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
Great thoughts come from the heart.
 -- Marquis of Vauvenargues (1715-1747)
 -- Maxim cxxvii
%%
Great thoughts, great feelings came to them,
  Like instincts, unawares.
 -- Richard Monckton Milnes (Lord Houghton) (1809-1885)
 -- The Men of Old
%%
Great truths are portions of the soul of man;
Great souls are portions of eternity.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Sonnet vi
%%
:great-wall: [from SF fandom] vi.,n. A mass expedition to an
   oriental restaurant, esp. one where food is served family-style
   and shared.  There is a common heuristic about the amount of food
   to order, expressed as "Get N - 1 entrees"; the value of N,
   which is the number of people in the group, can be inferred from
   context (see {N}).  See {{oriental food}}, {ravs},
   {stir-fried random}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Great wits are sure to madness near allied,
And thin partitions do their bounds divide.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 163
%%
Great wits jump.
 -- Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)
 -- Tristram Shandy, Vol. iii, Chap. ix
%%
:Great Worm, the: n. The 1988 Internet {worm} perpetrated by
   {RTM}.  This is a play on Tolkien (compare {elvish},
   {elder days}).  In the fantasy history of his Middle Earth
   books, there were dragons powerful enough to lay waste to entire
   regions; two of these (Scatha and Glaurung) were known as "the
   Great Worms".  This usage expresses the connotation that the RTM
   hack was a sort of devastating watershed event in hackish history;
   certainly it did more to make non-hackers nervous about the
   Internet than anything before or since.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Greed is envy with its sleeves rolled up.
%%
Greed is eternal.
 -- The 10th Rule Of Acquisition
%%
Greed is good! Greed is right! Greed works
 -- Fajo
%%
Greed is the root of all evil; honesty is the root of all good; honest
greed is the root of all roots.
%%
GREEKS do it with their brothers and sisters
%%
Greek Unbeliever!: Hera Tick
%%
Green be the turf above thee,
  Friend of my better days!
None knew thee but to love thee,
  Nor named thee but to praise.
 -- Fitz-Greene Halleck (1790-1867)
 -- On the Death of Joseph Rodman Drake
%%
:Green Book: n. 1. One of the three standard {{PostScript}}
   references: "PostScript Language Program Design", bylined
   `Adobe Systems' (Addison-Wesley, 1988; QA76.73.P67P66 ISBN
   0-201-14396-8); see also {Red Book}, {Blue Book}, and the
   {White Book} (sense 2).  2. Informal name for one of the three
   standard references on SmallTalk: "Smalltalk-80: Bits of
   History, Words of Advice", by Glenn Krasner (Addison-Wesley, 1983;
   QA76.8.S635S58; ISBN 0-201-11669-3) (this, too, is associated with
   blue and red books).  3. The "X/Open Compatibility Guide", which
   defines an international standard {{UNIX}} environment that is a
   proper superset of POSIX/SVID; also includes descriptions of a
   standard utility toolkit, systems administrations features, and the
   like.  This grimoire is taken with particular seriousness in
   Europe.  See {Purple Book}.  4. The IEEE 1003.1 POSIX Operating
   Systems Interface standard has been dubbed "The Ugly Green
   Book".  5. Any of the 1992 standards issued by the CCITT's tenth
   plenary assembly.  These include, among other things, the
   X.400 email standard and the Group 1 through 4 fax standards.  See
   also {{book titles}}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:green bytes: n. (also `green words') 1. Meta-information
   embedded in a file, such as the length of the file or its name; as
   opposed to keeping such information in a separate description file
   or record.  The term comes from an IBM user's group meeting
   (ca. 1962) at which these two approaches were being debated and the
   diagram of the file on the blackboard had the `green bytes' drawn
   in green.  2. By extension, the non-data bits in any
   self-describing format.  "A GIF file contains, among other things,
   green bytes describing the packing method for the image." Compare
   {out-of-band}, {zigamorph}, {fence} (sense 1).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:green card: n. [after the "IBM System/360 Reference Data"
   card] A summary of an assembly language, even if the color is not
   green.  Less frequently used now because of the decrease in the use
   of assembly language.  "I'll go get my green card so I can check
   the addressing mode for that instruction."  Some green cards are
   actually booklets.

   The original green card became a yellow card when the System/370
   was introduced, and later a yellow booklet.  An anecdote from IBM
   refers to a scene that took place in a programmers' terminal room
   at Yorktown in 1978.  A luser overheard one of the programmers ask
   another "Do you have a green card?"  The other grunted and
   passed the first a thick yellow booklet.  At this point the luser
   turned a delicate shade of olive and rapidly left the room, never
   to return..
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Green Division:
 To know the difference between envy and jealousy.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Greenhouse, schmeenhouse -- I'm FREEZING!
%%
Green Lawn Chairs: Patty O'Furniture
%%
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for
 traffic tickets.
%%
:green lightning: [IBM] n. 1. Apparently random flashing streaks on
   the face of 3278-9 terminals while a new symbol set is being
   downloaded.  This hardware bug was left deliberately unfixed, as
   some genius within IBM suggested it would let the user know that
   `something is happening'.  That, it certainly does.  Later
   microprocessor-driven IBM color graphics displays were actually
   *programmed* to produce green lightning!  2. [proposed] Any
   bug perverted into an alleged feature by adroit rationalization or
   marketing.  "Motorola calls the CISC cruft in the 88000
   architecture `compatibility logic', but I call it green
   lightning".  See also {feature} (sense 6).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:green machine: n. A computer or peripheral device that has been
   designed and built to military specifications for field equipment
   (that is, to withstand mechanical shock, extremes of temperature
   and humidity, and so forth).  Comes from the olive-drab `uniform'
   paint used for military equipment.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Green penguins are not red."
 -- Dr. Michael Morgan, Instrumentation Physics lecture
%%
Green potatoes and green potato chips are to be distinguished from brown
potato chips, which are another matter entirely.
%%
:Green's Theorem: [TMRC] prov. For any story, in any group of
   people there will be at least one person who has not heard the
   story.  A refinement of the theorem states that there will be
   *exactly* one person (if there were more than one, it wouldn't be
   as bad to re-tell the story).  [The name of this theorem is a play
   on a fundamental theorem in calculus. --- ESR]
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Greepers: people who walk up the down escalator to appear motionless.
%%
Greeting -    How the f%*k are you?
 -- The everyday versatility of the "F" word
%%
Greetings from a former fetus!
%%
Greetings from Ball Point, Penn.
%%
Greetings from beautiful downtown Workmans Corners.
%%
Greetings from Critical, Mass.
%%
Greetings from Deathand, Texas.
%%
Greetings from Either, Or.
%%
Greetings from Fount, Tenn.
%%
Greetings from Frito, La.
%%
Greetings from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.
%%
Greetings from Gas, Maine.
%%
Greetings from Hell....wish you were here.
%%
Greetings from Iam, Ok.
%%
Greetings from Iron, Ore.
%%
Greetings from Ithinki, Kan.
%%
Greetings from Marcuswelby, Md.
%%
Greetings from Near, Miss.
%%
Greetings from Noaz, Ark.
%%
Greetings from Pastramion, RI
%%
Greetings from Play, Tex.
%%
Greetings from Praise, Ala.
%%
Greetings from Sach, Mo.
%%
Greetings from Sprayin, Wash.
%%
Greetings from Sunny San Diego California USA!
%%
Greetings from the Land of Two Seasons - This Winter and Last Winter.
%%
Greetings from the many civilizations of Andromeda.
%%
Greetings from Trala, La.
%%
Greetings from Tur, Ky.
%%
Greetings from Vita, Minn.
%%
Greetings, from your honored and highly steamed Moderator...
%%
Greeting Sheep Strangers: Hugh R. Ewe
%%
Greetings Hooman! We now accept Visa, MC, and AMEX!
%%
Greetings, lowly citizen.  I seek your PEZ!
%%
 Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
 We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
 tone, please hang up.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
 Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
 Unlimited.  Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting
 screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the
 late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the
 Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It."  If
 you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not,
 please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
 size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on
 the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy
 involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
 Thank you for calling.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
...Greg Nowak:   `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?
 -- Jonathan D. Trudel, [e-mail]

No.    You need to say less.
 -- Richard Sexton, [e-mail]
%%
 (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:)  Hello, Brother
 or Sister.  You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and
 Jim.  We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but
 if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
 will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call.
 Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
"Gregor Wass, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation.
Would you care to strike me?"
 -- Saturday Night Live
%%
Gregory, remember thy swashing blow.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
GREM: Generate Random Error Message
%%
Gremlins at work again..the computer won't work!
%%
Grendel! [You forgot your hat!]
 -- Doctor, Androids of Tara
%%
GREP    Global Ruin, Expiration and Purgation [UNIX]
%%
:grep: /grep/ [from the qed/ed editor idiom g/re/p , where
   re stands for a regular expression, to Globally search for the
   Regular Expression and Print the lines containing matches to it,
   via {{UNIX}} `grep(1)'] vt. To rapidly scan a file or set of
   files looking for a particular string or pattern (when browsing
   through a large set of files, one may speak of `grepping
   around').  By extension, to look for something by pattern.  "Grep
   the bulletin board for the system backup schedule, would you?"
   See also {vgrep}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Grep..grep..grep... (frog with an IRQ conflict)
%%
Grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)
%%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%%
Greta Gump.........I vant to be a box of chocolates
%%
"Grey! Did I hear you say grey?"  "Light black.  From pole to pole."
%%
GR: Get Real
%%
Gridlock: football played between the 40-yardlines only!
%%
Gridlock to the max, Jack
%%
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must
 have somebody to divide it with.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
"Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none.  For we grieve only for
what has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen."
 -- Pliny the Younger
%%
Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and
common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.
 -- Lamartine
%%
Grief tears his heart, and drives him to and fro
In all the raging impotence of woe.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xxii, Line 526
%%
Grieving, if aught inanimate e'er grieves,
Over the unreturning brave.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 27
%%
Grignard:  A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic
   exams and never in real life.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
:grilf: // n.  Girl-friend.  Like {newsfroup} and {filk}, a
   typo incarnated as a new word.  Seems to have originated sometime
   in 1992.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Grim death.
 -- Philip Massinger (1584-1640)
 -- The Roman Actor, Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
:grind crank: n. A mythical accessory to a terminal.  A crank on the
   side of a monitor, which when operated makes a zizzing noise and
   causes the computer to run faster.  Usually one does not refer to a
   grind crank out loud, but merely makes the appropriate gesture and
   noise.  See {grind} and {wugga wugga}.

   Historical note: At least one real machine actually had a grind
   crank --- the R1, a research machine built toward the end of the
   days of the great vacuum tube computers, in 1959.  R1 (also known
   as `The Rice Institute Computer' (TRIC) and later as `The Rice
   University Computer' (TRUC)) had a single-step/free-run switch for
   use when debugging programs.  Since single-stepping through a large
   program was rather tedious, there was also a crank with a cam and
   gear arrangement that repeatedly pushed the single-step button.
   This allowed one to `crank' through a lot of code, then slow
   down to single-step for a bit when you got near the code of
   interest, poke at some registers using the console typewriter, and
   then keep on cranking.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Grind the faces of the poor.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah iii, 15
%%
:grind: vt. 1. [MIT and Berkeley] To prettify hardcopy of code,
   especially LISP code, by reindenting lines, printing keywords and
   comments in distinct fonts (if available), etc.  This usage was
   associated with the MacLISP community and is now rare;
   {prettyprint} was and is the generic term for such
   operations.  2. [UNIX] To generate the formatted version of a
   document from the {{nroff}}, {{troff}}, {{TeX}}, or Scribe
   source.  3. To run seemingly interminably, esp. (but not
   necessarily) if performing some tedious and inherently useless
   task.  Similar to {crunch} or {grovel}.  Grinding has a
   connotation of using a lot of CPU time, but it is possible to grind
   a disk, network, etc.  See also {hog}.  4. To make the whole
   system slow.  "Troff really grinds a PDP-11."  5. `grind grind'
   excl. Roughly, "Isn't the machine slow today!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%

  <<<<<GRIN>>>>>
 -- Evil Grin #13
%%
Grinin' Like A Mule Eatin' Briars
%%
:gripenet: [IBM] n. A wry (and thoroughly unofficial) name for IBM's
   internal VNET system, deriving from its common use by IBMers to
   voice pointed criticism of IBM management that would be taboo in
   more formal channels.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Grippe:  Suit case...
%%
Griswold v. Connecticut first established and guaranteed the `right of
 privacy' in the conjugal act.   Sexual love, however, in a most profound
 way is anything but `private.'  Its very purpose is to break the bonds
 of privacy by physical consummation of an unreserved gift of self.  The
 contraceptive, however, denies the meaning of marital love by falsifying
 its bodily expression.  Love is no longer unreserved; something is held
 back.  `I cannot love all of you,' the contraceptive says, `because I
 cannot love all that might be created by you.'
 -- Edmund Miller, Anti-Abortion Commentator, Fidelity magazine, 10/89,
    as quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned
     Parenthood pamphlet
%%
:gritch: /grich/ 1. n. A complaint (often caused by a {glitch}).
   2. vi. To complain.  Often verb-doubled: "Gritch gritch".  3. A
   synonym for {glitch} (as verb or noun).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Grits: Cream of Wheat with an attitude...
%%
Grits: food or mortar mix, only you can decide...
%%
Gritty Kitty Litter -- stays crunchy, even in milk!
%%
Grit your teeth.  This is a serious tagline.
%%
GRMC: Generate Rubber Machine Check
%%
Grocery bagger to customer: "Do you want to destroy a tree by using a paper bag
or endanger the environment with plastic?"
%%
:grok: /grok/, var. /grohk/ [from the novel "Stranger in
   a Strange Land", by Robert A. Heinlein, where it is a Martian word
   meaning literally `to drink' and metaphorically `to be one
   with'] vt. 1. To understand, usually in a global sense.  Connotes
   intimate and exhaustive knowledge.  Contrast {zen}, which is similar
   supernal understanding experienced as a single brief flash.  See also
   {glark}.  2. Used of programs, may connote merely sufficient
   understanding.  "Almost all C compilers grok the `void' type
   these days."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:gronked: adj. 1. Broken.  "The teletype scanner was gronked, so
   we took the system down."  2. Of people, the condition of feeling
   very tired or (less commonly) sick.  "I've been chasing that bug
   for 17 hours now and I am thoroughly gronked!"  Compare
   {broken}, which means about the same as {gronk} used of
   hardware, but connotes depression or mental/emotional problems in
   people.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:gronk: /gronk/ [popularized by Johnny Hart's comic strip
   "B.C." but the word apparently predates that] vt. 1. To
   clear the state of a wedged device and restart it.  More severe
   than `to {frob}' (sense 2).  2. [TMRC] To cut, sever, smash,
   or similarly disable.  3. The sound made by many 3.5-inch diskette
   drives.  In particular, the microfloppies on a Commodore Amiga go
   "grink, gronk".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:gronk out: vi. To cease functioning.  Of people, to go home and go
   to sleep.  "I guess I'll gronk out now; see you all tomorrow."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Groovy...
%%
Gross anatomy--it isn't just for breakfast anymore.
%%
Gross denial: when Larry King says he's not liberal 144 times.
%%
Gross exaggeration is at least 144 times as bad as ordinary exaggeration.
%%
Gross incompetence: 144 people in Clinton's Cabinet.
%%
Gross: Living in the basement of an outhouse!
%%
Gross National Product:  A Big Mac.
%%
Gross Negligence: those eligable but do not vote.
%%
Groucho Borg:  "That's the silliest thing I ever assimilated..."
%%
Ground not upon dreams; you know they are ever contrary.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Family of Love, Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
Ground Round of Hound
 -- Road Kill Cafe - Today's Special
%%
Ground Under Repair - Within six weeks of a new baby.
%%
Ground water? Do you mean crushed ice?
%%
Ground yourself, THEN hug your motherboard!
%%
Group Photo.
%%
Groups with guitars are on the way out-record company A & R person turning
down the Beatles.
%%
:grovel: vi. 1. To work interminably and without apparent progress.
   Often used transitively with `over' or `through'.  "The file
   scavenger has been groveling through the /usr directories for 10
   minutes now."  Compare {grind} and {crunch}.  Emphatic form:
   `grovel obscenely'.  2. To examine minutely or in complete detail.
   "The compiler grovels over the entire source program before
   beginning to translate it."  "I grovelled through all the
   documentation, but I still couldn't find the command I wanted."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Growing old is mandatory, however, growing up is optional!
%%
Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy person has no time to
 form.
 -- Andre Maurois
%%
Growing pains are nothing, really. Ask someone who is on a diet. Shrinking
 pains are far worse.
%%
Growing up is after all only the understanding that one's unique incredible
experience is what everyone shares.
 -- Doris Lessing
%%
Growing up, I was a little guy. My father enrolled me in a local martial
 arts academy. So once a week I got beat up in a more formal setting.
 -- Jonathan Katz
%%
Growing up requires that we break the apron strings and get on with the
 business of life. Easily said, but the business of life requires that we
 hang on to the financial strings as long as possible.
%%
GROWL the SNORT GRUMBLE possessed GRRRRRR bbs ROOAARRR!
%%
Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome
 for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, _The Little Prince_
%%
Grow old along with me!
the best is yet to be,
the last of life for which the first was made.
 -- Robert Browning
%%
Grow or die.
%%
Grow up,be a man and shut your mealy mouth
 Dial-a-Cliche
 -- Morrisey
%%
Grow up?!?  Mark Livingston never finished his _first_ childhood. :-)
%%
Grow up? Naw, I'm gonna be a Sysop.
%%
grow up to be shiftless bastard.
%%
Grow your own BBSers - Fertilize a SysOpTrix!
%%
Grow your own dope. Plant a FUNDIE!!!
%%
Grow your own dope. Plant a liberal.
%%
Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
%%
Grow your own dope. Plant a politician!
%%
Grrr! It is 'WORF,' Bob, *NOT* 'WOOF'...
%%
Grub first, then ethics.
 -- Bertolt Brecht
%%
Grumplicious Grumplicious Grumplicious!!!
%%
:grunge: /gruhnj/ n. 1. That which is grungy, or that which makes
   it so.  2. [Cambridge] Code which is inaccessible due to changes in
   other parts of the program.  The preferred term in North America is
   {dead code}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GSB: Gulp and Store Bytes
%%
GS      Get Strange [randomly inverts bits being fed to inst. decoder]
%%
GSI: Garble Subsequent Instruction
%%
GSI: Generate Spurious Interrupts
%%
GST - Go South Turkey! Shop in the States!
%%
GST- Government Screwing Taxpayers
%%
GST = Government Stupidty Tax. [Gen Service Tax]
%%
G-String : The final chord waiting to be plucked.
%%
GSU: Geometric Shift Up
%%
GTIFCIWHTKSO: Good Thing It's Friday Cuz I Would Have To Kill Someone Otherwise
%%
G.T.i.: Got Tossers Inside
%%
GTJ     Go To Jail (do not pass 00000, do not set flags)
%%
Guacamole: Spanish word meaning "taco caulking."
%%
Guarantee: a legal vehicle which expires on the same day
as your mechanical one.
%%
GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:    It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple question
           of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
           coconut.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:    Yes!
GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:    What?
GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em
           together.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR:    We found them.
GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:    What do you mean?
GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow,
           that's my point.
GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
 -- The Quest for the Holy Grail (Monty Python)
%%
Guard: "How's she doing?"
Kirk: "He's going to be fine."
Guard: "He?  I thought you brought in a woman."
Kirk: "One little mistake."
 -- "STIV:TVH", Stardate 8390.
%%
Guarding the Door: Sergeant Atarms
%%
"Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!"
 -- Floyd Farland
%%
Guard the Mysteries--constantly reveal them
%%
"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty.  Suspect everyone who
approaches that jewel.  Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but
downright force.  Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably
ruined."
 -- Patrick Henry 3 Elliot at 45, Debates In The Virginia Convention
%%
:gubbish: /guhb'*sh/ [a portmanteau of `garbage' and
   `rubbish'; may have originated with SF author Philip K. Dick]
   n. Garbage; crap; nonsense.  "What is all this gubbish?"  The
   opposite portmanteau `rubbage' is also reported.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gude nicht, and joy be wi' you a'.
 -- Lady Nairne (1766-1845)
 -- Gude Nicht, etc
%%
"Gud, marry me, or I'll kick yer ass."
 -- Honkeytonk Sue
%%
Guess again.
 -- The Running Man, movie
%%
Guess if you can, and choose, if you dare.
 -- Pierre Corneille
%%
Guess I'll have to try a stronger magnet.
%%
Guess I will have to turn on my 'Ira Filter'
%%
Guess what I made for dinner?  Reservations!
%%
Guess who taught him to use a computer...?
%%
GUEST:        He's killed the best man!
SECOND GUEST: (holding a limp WOMAN) He's killed my auntie.
FATHER:       No, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!  Let's
              not bicker and argue about who killed who ...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Guest hosting for Arsenio Hall tonight is you.
%%
Guest hosting for David Letterman tonight is you.
%%
Guest hosting for Jay Leno tonight is you.
%%
Guest hosting for Rush Limbaugh tonight is Eric Biesterfeld.
%%
Guest, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
Guests who kill their talk show hosts.  On the last Donahue.
%%
Guest: There is a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Surely not, we save those for the hamburgers!
%%
Guidance: See under Advice.
Advice: See under Guidance.
%%
Guide To Mixology: Bart Ender
%%
Guide to understanding a net.addict's day:
   Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
   Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
   Bad  day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.
 -- [e-mail] (Jen Kilmer)
%%
GUI? Don't step in it!
%%
GUI: Grab the User In-the-face
%%
GUI: Gross, Undesired Interface
%%
Guillotine: A machine which makes the Frenchman shrug his shoulders with
 good reason.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
GUILLOTINE, n.  A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders
with good reason.
    In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the
learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture
 -- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles
and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside
the shell.  It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an
authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and
enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI)
the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a
theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown.  I
have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired
by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Guillotine operators receive severance pay.
%%
Guillotine operator wanted.  Chance to get ahead.
%%
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
%%
Guilt as charged, your on-her!
%%
Guilt trips:  The nuclear weapon of relationships...
%%
:guiltware: /gilt'weir/ n. 1. A piece of {freeware} decorated
   with a message telling one how long and hard the author worked on
   it and intimating that one is a no-good freeloader if one does not
   immediately send the poor suffering martyr gobs of money.
   2. {Shareware} that works.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Guilty consciences always make people cowards.
 -- Pilpay (or Bidpai)
 -- The Prince and his Minister, Chap. iii, Fable iii
%%
Guinan Burger: Comes with extra-large top bun.
%%
Guinan: "Did he ever tell you why we're so close?"
Riker: "No."
Guinan: "Oh.  Then let me just say that...our relationship...is beyond
  friendship, beyond family.  And I *will* let him go.  And you must do the
  same."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Guinan: "I enjoy that, and you'd better get used to it."
Q: "What?!"
Guinan: "Begging!  You're a pitiful excuse for a human.  The only way you're
  going to survive is on the charity of others."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
"Guinan, make me a Pangalactic Gargleblaster."
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Guinan: "May I speak to you, Captain?"
Riker: "Actually, Guinan, I--"
Guinan: "You know, Picard and I used to talk every now and then when one of us
  needed to.  I guess I'm just used to having the captain's ear."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Guinan: "Must be terribly frightening for you to be totally defenseless after
  all of those centuries of being omnipotent!"
Q: "I'm warning you, I still have friends in high places."
Guinan: "Frightening one race after the other, teasing them like frightened
  animals, and you enjoying every moment of your victims' fears."
Q: "From now on, I'll do missionary work, okay?"
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
Guinan: "Now, tell me more about...my eyes?"
 -- "The Dauphin", Stardate unknown
%%
Guinan: "Shut up kid."
 -- "The Dauphin", Stardate unknown
%%
Guinan's secret power:  her hat is a solar panel.
%%
Guinan: "That was Setting Number One.  Anyone want to see Setting Number Two?"
 -- "Night Terrors", Stardate unknown
%%
Guinan: "There can only be *one* captain."
Riker: "It's not that simple.  This was his crew, he wrote the book on this
  ship!"
Guinan: "If the Borg know everything he knows, it's time to throw that book
  away.  You must let him go, Riker.  It's the only way to beat him...the only
  way to save him.  And *that*, is now your chair, Captain."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Guinan: "When a man is convinced he's going to die tomorrow, he'll
probably find  a way to make it happen.  The only one who can turn
this around is you." Riker: "I'll do the best I can." Guinan: "You're
going to have to do something you don't want to do.  You have to
let go of Picard."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44003.3
%%
Guinan: "You could learn a lot from this one."
Q: "Sure, the robot who teaches the course in humanities."
Data: "I am an android, not a robot."
Q: "I beg your pardon."
 -- "Deja Q", Stardate 43539.1
%%
"GUIs normally make it simple to accomplish simple actions and impossible
to accomplish complex actions."
 -- Doug Gwyn (22/Jun/91 in comp.unix.wizards)
%%
GUI's, We have to use those extra Mhz's somehow!
%%
GUITARISTS strum it with their pick
%%
GUITAR PLAYERS do it with a G-string
%%
Guitar players had their licks.
%%
Guitar players have their pick.
%%
Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our
 regular war!
%%
Gullibility is the key to all adventures. The greenhorn is the ultimate
 victor in everything; it is he that gets the most out of life.
 -- G. K. Chesterton
%%
Gully Foyle is my name
and Terra is my nation.
Deep space is my dwelling place,
the stars my destination.
 -- Alfred Bester's "The Stars My Destination"
%%
Gumbo, crawfish, Cajuns and Barq's...Heaven on earth!
%%
Gumbo - Nature's perfect food.
%%
:gumby: /guhm'bee/ [from a class of Monty Python characters,
   poss. with some influence from the 1960s claymation character] n.
   An act of minor but conspicuous stupidity, often in `gumby
   maneuver' or `pull a gumby'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gumby + Rambo = Gumbo!
%%
Gun bans work! Just look how safe New York City is!
%%
:gunch: /guhnch/ [TMRC] vt. To push, prod, or poke at a device
   that has almost (but not quite) produced the desired result.
   Implies a threat to {mung}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gun collection programs are a good way to get rid of a murder weapon.
%%
Gun Control: A criminal's best friend.
%%
Gun Control: All criminals support it!!!
%%
Gun Control: Breathe, Relax, Aim, Sight, and Squeeze
%%
Gun Control = Breathing, sight alignment, trigger control
%%
Gun control:   Hitting what you aim at.
 -- Author Unknown
%%
Gun control is a firm grip on a .44 magnum
%%
Gun control is a great idea--for governments FIRST
%%
Gun control is a steady, two-handed grip...
%%
Gun control is a tight pattern:   ((::))
%%
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
%%
Gun control is not about guns. It is about control.
%%
Gun Control = Job Safety For The Criminal.
%%
Gun control: keep the muzzle pointed at the target.
%%
Gun control makes everyone criminals.
%%
Gun Control means holding it in both hands.
%%
Gun Control means using 2 hands.
%%
Gun Control - the belief that government, with its great wisdom and
moral superiority, can be trusted with a monopoly on deadly force.
%%
Gung ho....
 -- Avon
%%
:gun: [ITS: from the `:GUN' command] vt. To forcibly
   terminate a program or job (computer, not career).  "Some idiot
   left a background process running soaking up half the cycles, so I
   gunned it."  Compare {can}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gun Owners are Citizens. All Others are Subjects.
%%
Gunpowder and alcohol DO mix - but it tastes awful.
%%
"Gun rights are a feminist issue."
 -- J. Ryerson
%%
"Guns are generally pretty robust, their only enemies are rust and
 politicians."
 -- Jeff Cooper
%%
Guns cause crime like seat belts cause accidents.
%%
Guns cause crime like wet streets cause rain.
%%
Guns don't kill people... bullets do.
%%
Guns don't kill people... death does.
%%
Guns don't kill people... fast-moving projectiles do.
%%
Guns don't kill people. Mailreaders kill people!
%%
Guns don't kill people, off-line readers do.
%%
Guns don't kill people, OS/2 salesmen do...
%%
Guns don't kill people; people kill people.
Now apply to smoking:
Cigarettes don't cause lung cancer; lungs do.
%%
Guns don't kill people, postal workers kill people.
%%
Gunslingers with Gas: Wyatt Urp
%%
Guns will make us powerful; butter will only make us fat.
 -- Hermann Goering (1893-1946)
%%
Gun the man down, I say gun the man down...
%%
Guppies dancing among brightly colored power tools, their ears ablaze.
%%
:gurfle: /ger'fl/ interj. An expression of shocked disbelief.  "He
   said we have to recode this thing in FORTRAN by next week.
   Gurfle!"  Compare {weeble}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gurmlish, n.:
 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
mouth.
 -- Rich Hall & Friends, Sniglets
%%
:guru meditation: n. Amiga equivalent of `panic' in UNIX
   (sometimes just called a `guru' or `guru event').  When the
   system crashes, a cryptic message of the form "GURU MEDITATION
   #XXXXXXXX.YYYYYYYY" may appear, indicating what the problem
   was.  An Amiga guru can figure things out from the numbers.
   Generally a {guru} event must be followed by a {Vulcan nerve
   pinch}.

   This term is (no surprise) an in-joke from the earliest days of the
   Amiga.  There used to be a device called a `Joyboard' which was
   basically a plastic board built onto a joystick-like device; it
   was sold with a skiing game cartridge for the Atari game machine.
   It is said that whenever the prototype OS crashed, the system
   programmer responsible would calm down by concentrating on a
   solution while sitting cross-legged on a Joyboard trying to keep
   the board in balance.  This position resembled that of a
   meditating guru.  Sadly, the joke was removed in AmigaOS 2.04.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:guru: n. [UNIX] An expert.  Implies not only {wizard} skill but
   also a history of being a knowledge resource for others.  Less
   often, used (with a qualifier) for other experts on other systems,
   as in `VMS guru'.  See {source of all good bits}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
%%
Guru to Deli man: Make me one with everything.
%%
Gutenberg made everybody a reader. Xerox makes everybody a publisher.
 -- Marshall McLuhan, Canadian author
%%
Guten TAG.
%%
Guts: Putting "Moderator" in your twit filter.....
%%
Guts: putting the name "SYSOP" in your twit filter.
%%
Gutta cavat lapidem non vi, sed saepe cadendo.
[Drops of water hollow out a stone - not by strength, but just falling often.]
%%
guvf yvar vf rapekcgrq sbe ab ernfba.
%%
Guy Fawkes was the sanest man who ever went into the Houses of Parliament -
and look what happened to him.
%%
Guy Fawkes where are you now that we need you?
%%
Guy: "I am the greatest swordsman in all of Nottingham!"
Picard: "There's something you should know."
Guy: "And what might that be?"
Picard: "I'm not from Nottingham!"
 -- "Qpid", Stardate unknown
%%
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a
 cat one time, they're gone.
 -- Lenny Bruce
%%
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
 like having a little pet for your face.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
Guys, let's   be friendly!!!
%%
Guys should never view x-rated gifs when using a laptop.
%%
Guys will actually judge women based on the way they're built ... A lot of
 guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I
 don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the
 larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
:gweep: /gweep/ [WPI] 1. v. To {hack}, usually at night.  At
   WPI, from 1977 onwards, one who gweeped coud often be found at the
   College Computing Center punching cards or crashing the {PDP-10}
   or, later, the DEC-20.  The term has survived the demise of those
   technologies, however, and is still alive in late 1991.  "I'm
   going to go gweep for a while.  See you in the morning." "I gweep
   from 8 PM till 3 AM during the week."  2. n. One who habitually
   gweeps in sense 1; a {hacker}.  "He's a hard-core gweep,
   mumbles code in his sleep."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Gwon, Geoverer.
 -- D-Roc as Scorpion
%%
Gymnasts do it with grace.
%%
GYMNASTS mount and dismount the best.
%%
Gymnists mount and dismount well.
%%
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
%%
Gynecentrically-challenged and proud of it!
%%
Gyros are loose.
%%
Gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
 also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to each
 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%%
h=6.626196 E-34 joule sec--it's the law.
%%
Ha! and you thought you had heard them all!
%%
HABEAS CORPUS.  A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when
confined for the wrong crime.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hab-Haters of Canada. I'm not only a client, I'm also the President.
%%
Habit gives endurance, and fatigue is the best nightcap.
 -- Kincaid
%%
Habit is a cable;
we weave a thread of it each day, and at last we cannot break it.
 -- Horace Mann
%%
Habit is a second nature.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. x
%%
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man,
but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Habit is the easiest way to be wrong again.
%%
Habit is the nursery of errors.
 -- Victor Hugo
%%
Habit, n.  A shackle for the free.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Habits are first cobwebs, then cables."
 -- Spanish proverb
%%
Habits may be good or they may be bad. At first, they are like cobwebs.
 Later, they become cables. A snake may change his skin. A fox may change
 his fur color. But neither the fox or the snake can change their habits.
 And often enough, neither can a human being!
%%
Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've
done it from my youth."
 -- George Crabbe
%%
Hab-Lovers of the USA. I'm not only a fan, I'm the President.
%%
"Ha, but my life is but a box of wormgears."
 -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
HACF: Halt And Catch Fire
%%
HAC: Hold All Calls
%%
:hack attack: [poss. by analogy with `Big Mac Attack' from ads
   for the McDonald's fast-food chain; the variant `big hack attack'
   is reported] n. Nearly synonymous with {hacking run}, though the
   latter more strongly implies an all-nighter.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hacked off: [analogous to `pissed off'] adj. Said of system
   administrators who have become annoyed, upset, or touchy owing to
   suspicions that their sites have been or are going to be victimized
   by crackers, or used for inappropriate, technically illegal, or
   even overtly criminal activities.  For example, having unreadable
   files in your home directory called `worm', `lockpick', or `goroot'
   would probably be an effective (as well as impressively obvious and
   stupid) way to get your sysadmin hacked off at you.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hacked up: adj. Sufficiently patched, kluged, and tweaked that the
   surgical scars are beginning to crowd out normal tissue (compare
   {critical mass}).  Not all programs that are hacked become
   `hacked up'; if modifications are done with some eye to coherence
   and continued maintainability, the software may emerge better for
   the experience.  Contrast {hack up}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hacked versions of Turbo Antivirus 9.00b, & 9.01a
%%
Hacker != Cracker
%%
Hacker: Exceptional programmer. Webster's 9th., 1991
%%
Hacker, oh Hacker,
Where goest thy code?
Far, far away,
Flushed down the commode!
 -- Favre
%%
Hackers appreciate virtual dresses.
%%
Hackers:
 A programmer who grew up tapping out Morse Code on a ham radio, and
 has never forgiven IBM for not putting a front switch panel on the
 original PC.
%%
Hackers are I/O experts.
%%
Hackers avoid deadly embrace.
%%
Hackers discover the powers of two.
%%
Hackers do it absolutely.
%%
Hackers do it a little bit.
%%
Hackers do it all night.
%%
Hackers do it at link time.
%%
Hackers do it attached.
%%
Hackers do it automatically.
%%
Hackers do it bottom-up.
%%
Hackers do it bug-free.
%%
Hackers do it by the numbers.
%%
Hackers do it concurrently.
%%
Hackers do it conditionally.
%%
Hackers do it detached.
%%
Hackers do it digitally.
%%
Hackers do it discreetly.
%%
Hackers do it during downtime.
%%
Hackers do it during PM.  [Preventive Maintenance]
%%
Hackers do it efficiently.
%%
Hackers do it faster.
%%
HACKERS do it forever even when they're not supposed to.
%%
Hackers do it graphically.
%%
Hackers do it immediately.
%%
Hackers do it in a HRRI.
%%
Hackers do it in batches.
%%
Hackers do it indirectly.
%%
Hackers do it in dumps.
%%
Hackers do it in less space.
%%
Hackers do it in libraries.
%%
Hackers do it in loops.
%%
Hackers do it in O(n log n).
%%
Hackers do it in parallel.
%%
Hackers do it in SEXTRAN.
%%
Hackers do it in stacks.
%%
Hackers do it interactively.
%%
Hackers do it in the microcode.
%%
Hackers do it in the software.
%%
Hackers do it in trees.
%%
Hackers do it in two states.
%%
Hackers do it iteratively.
%%
Hackers do it loaded.
%%
Hackers do it locally (or globally).
%%
Hackers do it randomly.
%%
Hackers do it recursively.
%%
Hackers do it reentrantly.
%%
Hackers do it relocatably.
%%
Hackers do it sequentially.
%%
Hackers do it synchronously.
%%
Hackers do it top down.
%%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%%
Hackers do it with computers.
%%
Hackers do it with daemons.
%%
Hackers do it with DDT.
%%
Hackers do it with editors.
%%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%%
Hackers do it with high priority.
%%
Hackers do it with insertion sorts.
%%
Hackers do it with interrupts.
%%
Hackers do it with key strokes.
%%
Hackers do it with open windows.
%%
Hackers do it without a net.
%%
Hackers do it without arguments.
%%
Hackers do it without detaching.
%%
Hackers do it without proof of termination.
%%
Hackers do it without protection.
%%
Hackers do it without you even knowing it.
%%
Hackers do it with phantoms.
%%
Hackers do it with quick sorts.
%%
Hackers do it with recursive descent.
%%
Hackers do it with side effects.
%%
Hackers do it with simultaneous access.
%%
Hackers do it with slaves.
%%
Hackers do it with their fingers.
%%
Hackers do it with words.
%%
Hackers don't do it -- they're hacking all the time.
%%
Hackers get off on tight loops.
%%
Hackers get overlaid.
%%
Hackers have better software tools.
%%
Hackers have faster access routines.
%%
Hackers have good hardware.
%%
Hackers have high bawd rates.
%%
Hackers have high bod rates.
%%
Hackers have it where it counts.
%%
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
%%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%%
Hackers know what to diddle.
%%
Hackers make it quick.
%%
Hackers multiply with stars.
%%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%%
Hackers should be judged by their hacking,
not bogus criteria suc as degrees, age, race, or position.
 -- Steven Levy
%%
Hackers stay logged in longer.
%%
Hackers stay up longer.
%%
:Hackers:
Steven Levy
Anchor/Doubleday 1984
ISBN 0-385-19195-2

Levy's book is at its best in describing the early MIT hackers at the
Model Railroad Club and the early days of the microcomputer revolution.
He never understood UNIX or the networks, though, and his enshrinement
of Richard Stallman as "the last true hacker" turns out (thankfully) to
have been quite misleading.  Numerous minor factual errors also mar the
text; for example, Levy's claim that the original Jargon File derived
from the TMRC Dictionary (the File originated at Stanford and was
brought to MIT in 1976; the co-authors of the first edition had never
seen the dictionary in question).  There are also numerous misspellings
in the book that inflame the passions of old-timers; as Dan Murphy, the
author of TECO, once said: "You would have thought he'd take the trouble
to spell the name of a winning editor right."  Nevertheless, this
remains a useful and stimulating book that captures the feel of several
important hackish subcultures.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hackers take big bytes.
%%
Hack first, ask questions later.
%%
Hack?  I like to call it appropriate.....
%%
Hackindeeminor: contagious coughing between movements of a symphony.
%%
Hacking? I don't have furballs, do I?
%%
Hacking is a conversational black hole
%%
:hacking run: [analogy with `bombing run' or `speed run'] n. A
   hack session extended long outside normal working times, especially
   one longer than 12 hours.  May cause you to `change phase the hard
   way' (see {phase}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%%
:Hacking X for Y: [ITS] n. Ritual phrasing of part of the
   information which ITS made publicly available about each user.
   This information (the INQUIR record) was a sort of form in which
   the user could fill out various fields.  On display, two of these
   fields were always combined into a project description of the form
   "Hacking X for Y" (e.g., `"Hacking perceptrons for
   Minsky"').  This form of description became traditional and has
   since been carried over to other systems with more general
   facilities for self-advertisement (such as UNIX {plan
   file}s).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Hackintosh: n. 1. An Apple Lisa that has been hacked into emulating a
   Macintosh (also called a `Mac XL').  2. A Macintosh assembled
   from parts theoretically belonging to different models in the line.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hackish: /hak'ish/ adj. (also {hackishness} n.) 1. Said of
   something that is or involves a hack.  2. Of or pertaining to
   hackers or the hacker subculture.  See also {true-hacker}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hackishness: n. The quality of being or involving a hack.  This
   term is considered mildly silly.  Syn. {hackitude}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hackito ergo sum.
%%
:hackitude: n. Syn. {hackishness}; this word is considered sillier.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hacko ergo sum.
%%
:hack on: vt. To {hack}; implies that the subject is some
   pre-existing hunk of code that one is evolving, as opposed to
   something one might {hack up}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hack together: vt. To throw something together so it will work.
   Unlike `kluge together' or {cruft together}, this does not
   necessarily have negative connotations.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hack up: vt. To {hack}, but generally implies that the result is
   a hack in sense 1 (a quick hack).  Contrast this with {hack on}.
   To `hack up on' implies a {quick-and-dirty} modification to an
   existing system.  Contrast {hacked up}; compare {kluge up},
   {monkey up}, {cruft together}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hack value: n. Often adduced as the reason or motivation for
   expending effort toward a seemingly useless goal, the point being
   that the accomplished goal is a hack.  For example, MacLISP had
   features for reading and printing Roman numerals, which were
   installed purely for hack value.  See {display hack} for one
   method of computing hack value, but this cannot really be
   explained, only experienced.  As Louis Armstrong once said when
   asked to explain jazz: "Man, if you gotta ask you'll never know."
   (Feminists please note Fats Waller's explanation of rhythm: "Lady,
   if you got to ask you ain't got it.")
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Had all his hairs been lives, my great revenge
Had stomach for them all.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
HADES, n.  The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the
place where the dead live.
    Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our
Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in
a very comfortable kind of way.  Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves
were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.
When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of
evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a
majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a
conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record
and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.  At the
next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly
sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement:  "Gentlemen,
somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"  Years afterward the good
prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the
means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and
immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Had I a dozen sons, each in my love alike and none less dear than
thine and my good Marcius, I had rather eleven die nobly for their
country than one voluptuously surfeit out of action.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Had I a heart for falsehood framed,
  I ne'er could injure you.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Duenna, Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful
hints for the better ordering of the universe.
 -- Alphonso the Wise (1221-1284)
%%
Had I but served my God with half the zeal
I served my king, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Had I imagined 'Calvin and Hobbes' would last this long, I would have paced
myself. The strip requires a great deal of research and I need to do more
interplanetary exploration and paleontology work before I can continue.
 -- Bill Watterson
%%
Had in him those brave translunary things
That the first poets had. (Said of Marlowe.)
 -- Michael Drayton (1563-1631)
 -- To Henry Reynolds, of Poets and Poesy
%%
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams
I have spread my dreams under your feet
Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams
 -- Yeats
%%
Had sigh'd to many, though he loved but one.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto i, stanza 5
%%
Had this been an actual emergency, your spleen would have melted.
%%
Had this tagline been a storm, you'd be wet!!
%%
Had we never loved sae kindly,
Had we never loved sae blindly,
Never met or never parted,
We had ne'er been broken-hearted!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Ae Fond Kiss
%%
HAGGIS
  A Scottish dish made of the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep,
  chopped up with suet, onions, oatmeal etc, seasoned and boiled in a
  sheep's stomach-bag or substitute. I think I'm going to be sick.
      Have you ever considered the argument that vomit is a lifeform
  in itself, subject to the same foibles as the rest of lifekind?
  Pretty stupid idea, huh? Well, I thought so too, until I was
  convinced by a most holy and devout man, shouting very loudly in
  the street one day. He told me that vomit was food that was reborn.
  He gave me a leaflet about it, and - do you know - it changed my
  life. Suddenly, I could look at vomit the way I had never looked at
  vomit before. It became part of me. I could talk to it, express
  myself to it, and before long, take it for picnics in the forest.
  And the vomit would talk back. It would read me poems. It would
  sing songs about regurgitation. And it would tell me jokes. Very
  bad jokes. It would tell me jokes with incredibly bad punch lines.
  And I eventually came to a conclusion. That vomit is sick.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Haggis:
 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
 considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
 consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf
 or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed
 and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and...
 [Excuse me a minute. Ed.]
%%
HAG, n.  An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes
called, also, a hen, or cat.  Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were
called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind
of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that
peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.  At one time
hag was not a word of reproach:  Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,
all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."  It would not
now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is
reserved for the use of her grandchildren.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HaHaHaHaHaHa..my eyes are filled with tears.
%%
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, snicker, snicker, giggle, giggle, titter,
titter, titter, te he he he he he he, chuckle chuckle, chortle, chortle, . . .
%%
HA HAH HA HAH HAH <SMACK< ... oof ...
%%
:ha ha only serious: [from SF fandom, orig. as mutation of HHOK,
   `Ha Ha Only Kidding'] A phrase (often seen abbreviated as HHOS)
   that aptly captures the flavor of much hacker discourse.  Applied
   especially to parodies, absurdities, and ironic jokes that are both
   intended and perceived to contain a possibly disquieting amount of
   truth, or truths that are constructed on in-joke and self-parody.
   This lexicon contains many examples of ha-ha-only-serious in both
   form and content.  Indeed, the entirety of hacker culture is often
   perceived as ha-ha-only-serious by hackers themselves; to take it
   either too lightly or too seriously marks a person as an outsider,
   a {wannabee}, or in {larval stage}.  For further
   enlightenment on this subject, consult any Zen master.  See also
   {{Humor, Hacker}}, and {AI koans}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HAH: Halt And Hang
%%
Hah.   I know Tim Maroney.  I've smoked pot with Tim Maroney.  And K*nt Paul
Dolan is no Tim Maroney!
 -- Gary Strand ([e-mail])
%%
Hah - made you look!
 -- Cat Game #1
%%
HA! I kill me!
%%
HAIKU: But how can this be?
My Teacher commands me: Press
ENTER to exit.
%%
HAIKU: Danger lurks, where a
crushing avalanche of white
has buried my desk.
%%
Haiku's inventor
must have had seven fingers
on his middle hand.
%%
Hail Caesar! We who are about to dine salad you.
%%
Hail, Columbia! happy land!
Hail, ye heroes! heaven-born band!
  Who fought and bled in Freedom's cause,
  Who fought and bled in Freedom's cause,
And when the storm of war was gone,
Enjoyed the peace your valor won.
  Let independence be our boast,
  Ever mindful what it cost;
  Ever grateful for the prize,
  Let its altar reach the skies!
 -- Joseph Hopkinson (1770-1842)
 -- Hail, Columbia!
%%
Hail Eris! All hail Discordia! [picture of apple]
%%
Hail fellow, well met.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- My Lady's Lamentation
%%
Hail, hail, rock and roll.
 -- Chuck Berry
%%
Hail holy light! offspring of heav'n first-born.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iii, Line 1
%%
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
%%
HAIL
  Like rain, but harder. Meteorologists have conducted studies about
  the weather patterns relating to hail, and the likely occurrence of
  it, and have concluded that it is most likely to hail when you are
  walking down the street without even an umbrella for protection.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Hail Stones!
%%
Hail to thee, Loser!
%%
Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!
%%
Hail wedded love, mysterious law, true source
Of human offspring.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 750
%%
HA! _I'm_ just finishing up a port of VMS for my Timex Sinclair! Top THAT!
%%
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
 -- Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn
%%
:hair: [back-formation from {hairy}] n. The complications that
   make something hairy.  "Decoding {TECO} commands requires a
   certain amount of hair."  Often seen in the phrase `infinite
   hair', which connotes extreme complexity.  Also in `hairiferous'
   (tending to promote hair growth): "GNUMACS elisp encourages lusers
   to write complex editing modes."  "Yeah, it's pretty hairiferous
   all right." (or just: "Hair squared!")
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hairball..hairball  don't touch it !!!
%%
Hair barrettes
 -- "101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR"
%%
Hairdressers give the best blow jobs.
%%
Hair is another name for sex.
%%
HAIR STYLISTS are shear pleasure
%%
HAIR TONICS, please!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
:hairy: adj. 1. Annoyingly complicated.  "{DWIM} is incredibly
   hairy."  2. Incomprehensible.  "{DWIM} is incredibly hairy."
   3. Of people, high-powered, authoritative, rare, expert, and/or
   incomprehensible.  Hard to explain except in context: "He knows
   this hairy lawyer who says there's nothing to worry about."  See
   also {hirsute}.

   A well-known result in topology called the Brouwer Fixed-Point
   Theorem states that any continuous transformation of a surface into
   itself has at least one fixed point.  Mathematically literate
   hackers tend to associate the term `hairy' with the informal
   version of this theorem; "You can't comb a hairy ball smooth."

   The adjective `long-haired' is well-attested to have been in
   slang use among scientists and engineers during the early 1950s; it
   was equivalent to modern `hairy' senses 1 and 2, and was very
   likely ancestral to the hackish use.  In fact the noun
   `long-hair' was at the time used to describe a person satisfying
   sense 3.  Both senses probably passed out of use when long hair
   was adopted as a signature trait by the 1960s counterculture,
   leaving hackish `hairy' as a sort of stunted mutant relic.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hairy fishnuts!?
 -- Opus
%%
Hairy Kiwi:  Death by fruit.
%%
Haji has been probably the best player on the field without any question.
%%
:hakspek: /hak'speek/ n. A shorthand method of spelling found on
   many British academic bulletin boards and {talker system}s.
   Syllables and whole words in a sentence are replaced by single
   ASCII characters the names of which are phonetically similar or
   equivalent, while multiple letters are usually dropped.  Hence,
   `for' becomes `4'; `two', `too', and `to' become `2'; `ck'
   becomes `k'.  "Before I see you tomorrow" becomes "b4 i c u
   2moro".  First appeared in London about 1986, and was probably
   caused by the slowness of available talker systems, which
   operated on archaic machines with outdated operating systems and
   no standard methods of communication.  Has become rarer since.
   See also {talk mode}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Halaska: the box on a U.S. map that shows the 49th and 50th states.
%%
Halcyon days.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Hal Daub, Congressman (Neb.), was an Eagle Scout.
%%
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not bee.  But can it be an
 entire bee, if half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
 -- Monty Python
%%
Half a bubble off plumb.
 -- attributed to Mark Twain
%%
Half a cup of water is half-full, with air.
%%
Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Half a loaf is better than none.
%%
Half a loaf is better than no rest at all.
%%
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Half an hour of begging is not considered foreplay.
%%
Half-done:
    This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
the difference between life and death.
 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
man, Let me have a nice half-done.
       Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
 -- Arthur Naiman, Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish
%%
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
%%
HALF, n.  One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or
considered as divided.  In the fourteenth century a heated discussion
arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience
could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father
Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would
demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and
unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the
body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the
negative.  Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a
viper.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Half of me says I have schizophrenia, the other half says I don't.
%%
"Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think,
and thinking where we ought to feel."
 -- John Churton Collins
%%
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper.  Half never voted
for President.  One hopes it is the same half.
 -- Gore Vidal
%%
Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want
to feel important.  They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not
interest them.
 -- T. S. Eliot
%%
Half of the world's Eskimos have never seen an igloo.
%%
Half of what I know today will be obsolete in five
years--I'd just like to know which half.
%%
Half of what I say is meaningless
But I say it just to reach you...
%%
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we
 have rushed through life trying to save.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Half the failures in life result from pulling in one's
horse when it is leaping.
%%
Half the fun of being alive is not knowing what
tomorrow will bring. The other half is pretending you don't care.
%%
Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
%%
Half the things that people do not succeed in, are through fear of
making the attempt...
 -- James Northcote
%%
Half the time, when you fall, the very girl you want, wont fall for you
at all.
%%
Half the trick is knowing the CyberPunks from the CyberPinks.
%%
"Half the truth is often a great lie."
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Half the work that is done in the world is
to make things appear what they are not.
 -- E. R. Beadle
%%
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever
enough to take indecent advantage of them.
 -- Walter Kerr
%%
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
 can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%%
Halftime at Circvs Maximvs, and the Lions lead the Christians 326-0.
%%
Halftime shows really stink. The announcers don't even want to watch. "Now,
 the Phillips High School band pays a tribute ... to mayonnaise!" They form
 a gigantic mayonnaise jar on the field. One kid missed practice, doesn't
 know where to go. He's running around. From the stands it looks like a fly
 in the mayonnaise jar. And they announce it: "There's a fly in the
 mayonnaise jar! Very clever ..."
 -- Robert Klein
%%
Half way down
Hangs one that gathers samphire, dreadful trade!
Methinks he seems no bigger than his head:
The fishermen that walk upon the beach
Appear like mice.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iv, Sc. 6
%%
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn't any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
 -- A.A. Milne
%%
Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up,
And isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery,
It isn't in the town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head:
"It isn't really
Anywhere!
It's somewhere alse
Instead!"
 -- A.A. Milne
%%
Half wits talk much but say little.
%%
Halitosis is better than no breath at all!
%%
Halleluja!  Put your HANDS on the MODEM!
%%
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills,
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Halloween, a pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Assoc.
%%
Halloween's over.  Clinton removes mask and reveals BARNEY!
%%
HAL: Murder Operator
%%
HALO, n.  Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body,
but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a
somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and
saints.  The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture
in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred
as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,
or the Pope's tiara.  In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a
pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the
nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly
decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his
unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HALT: No-Op
%%
Hamburgers can be vicious if they're only wounded.
%%
Ham. Do you see yonder cloud that 's almost in shape of a camel?
Pol. By the mass, and 't is like a camel, indeed.
Ham. Methinks it is like a weasel.
Pol. It is backed like a weasel.
Ham. Or like a whale?
Pol. Very like a whale.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Ham. His beard was grizzled,--no?
Hor. It was, as I have seen it in his life,
A sable silver'd.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Ham. Is this a prologue, or the posy of a ring?
Oph. 'T is brief, my lord.
Ham. As woman's love.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Hamlet has been played by 5,000 actors-no wonder he is crazy.
%%
"Hamlet" is just a bunch of quotations strung together.
%%
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college.
 -- Tom Masson
%%
HAMMER
  A tool for hurting fingers. Hammers are generally made of a
  specially magnetised metal that is naturally attracted to skin.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Hammers and brains don't mix.
%%
Hammer throwers do it with 16 pound balls of steel.
%%
:hammer: vt. Commonwealth hackish syn. for {bang on}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HAMMY + BITCOM + EDLIN = A better smoke than DSZ
%%
Ham on rye ... a drunk radio operator!
%%
Ham radio operators do it till their GigaHertz
%%
Ham radio operators do it with higher frequency.
%%
Ham radio operators do it with more frequency.
%%
Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.
%%
:hamster: n. 1. [Fairchild] A particularly slick little piece of
   code that does one thing well; a small, self-contained hack.  The
   image is of a hamster {happily} spinning its exercise wheel.  2. A
   tailless mouse; that is, one with an infrared link to a receiver on
   the machine, as opposed to the conventional cable.  3. [UK] Any
   item of hardware made by Amstrad, a company famous for its cheap
   plastic PC-almost-compatibles.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hamsters cannot fly.
%%
Hamsters:  Tribbles with an attitude.
%%
Ham. The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.
Hor. It is a nipping and an eager air.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
Ham. There 's ne'er a villain dwelling in all Denmark
But he 's an arrant knave.
Hor. There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave
To tell us this.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
Handburger.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
HAND CRAFTED: machine that assembles it is operated without gloves.
%%
Handcuffs, for a truely binding relationship ...
%%
Handel's Messiah: Ollie Luyah
%%
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was rather large.
%%
:hand-hacking: n. 1. The practice of translating {hot spot}s from
   an {HLL} into hand-tuned assembler, as opposed to trying to
   coerce the compiler into generating better code.  Both the term and
   the practice are becoming uncommon.  See {tune}, {bum}, {by
   hand}; syn. with v. {cruft}.  2. More generally, manual
   construction or patching of data sets that would normally be
   generated by a translation utility and interpreted by another
   program, and aren't really designed to be read or modified by
   humans.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
handhold: what two climbers do during long bivouacs on narrow ledges.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
'Handipaks' of screws always contain too few or too many for the job.
%%
HANDKERCHIEF
  A piece of cloth designed specifically to be filled with snot.
  Which must rather irritate it. I mean, I'm sure that you'd be
  pretty pissed off if you had only come into existence to be wiped
  on people's noses. I know I'd be annoyed if people left bogies on
  me. Which is why hankies are fighting back: They endeavour not to
  be in your pocket when you are suffering a sneezing attack.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
HANDKERCHIEF, n.  A small square of silk or linen, used in various
ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals
to conceal the lack of tears.  The handkerchief is of recent
invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties
to the sleeve.  Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of
"Othello" is an anachronism:  Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt,
as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails
in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Handle all business ventures with discretion so you do not end up a loser.
%%
HANDLED WITH EXTREME CARE DURING THE EXPERIMENT
not dropped on the floor
 -- Research definitions
%%
:handle: n. 1. [from CB slang] An electronic pseudonym; a `nom
   de guerre' intended to conceal the user's true identity.  Network
   and BBS handles function as the same sort of simultaneous
   concealment and display one finds on Citizen's Band radio, from
   which the term was adopted.  Use of grandiose handles is
   characteristic of {cracker}s, {weenie}s, {spod}s, and
   other lower forms of network life; true hackers travel on their own
   reputations rather than invented legendry.  Compare
   {nick}. 2. [Mac] A pointer to a pointer to dynamically-allocated
   memory; the extra level of indirection allows on-the-fly memory
   compaction (to cut down on fragmentation) or aging out of unused
   resources, with minimal impact on the (possibly multiple) parts of
   the larger program containing references to the allocated memory.
   Compare {snap} (to snap a handle would defeat its purpose); see
   also {aliasing bug}, {dangling pointer}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Handle with care:  Elderly tagline.
%%
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
 Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
 Hour.
%%
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
 -- I'm living for today!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hand-me-down clothing, also known as sharewear.
%%
Hand me that dolphin burger.  Yeah, the one in styrofoam.
%%
Hand me that piano.
 -- Things you never hear people say
%%
Hand me the glass.  (clink)  No, the other glass
%%
HAND, n.  A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"Hand over all your money in a paper bag!"

"Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a
convenience store you know."
 -- Apu, the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons
%%
Hand over that tagline and no one will get hurt.
%%
:hand-roll: [from obs. mainstream slang `hand-rolled' in
   opposition to `ready-made', referring to cigarettes] v. To
   perform a normally automated software installation or configuration
   process {by hand}; implies that the normal process failed due to
   bugs in the configurator or was defeated by something exceptional
   in the local environment.  "The worst thing about being a gateway
   between four different nets is having to hand-roll a new sendmail
   configuration every time any of them upgrades."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:handshaking: n. Hardware or software activity designed to start or
   keep two machines or programs in synchronization as they {do
   protocol}.  Often applied to human activity; thus, a hacker might
   watch two people in conversation nodding their heads to indicate
   that they have heard each others' points and say "Oh, they're
   handshaking!".  See also {protocol}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hands off - I'm a conversation piece.
%%
Hands promiscuously applied,
Round the slight waist, or down the glowing side.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Waltz
%%
Hands that the rod of empire might have sway'd,
  Or waked to ecstasy the living lyre.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 12
%%
Hands up!  Said the laser printer.
%%
HANDYMEN do it with whatever is available
%%
Handymen like good screws.
%%
Hang around with dolphins, carrying a large pair of scissors in case
you meet a tuna fishing boat that hasn't learnt about driftnets being
illegal.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
Hang five, guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he
committed suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide.
There is some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
 -- Cat in Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality'
%%
Hang gliders come down very slowly.
%%
Hang-Gliders do it in the air.
%%
Hanging and wiving goes by destiny.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 9
%%
Hanging - An Early western form of Bungee Jumping
%%
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
 -- Fred Allen (Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit.)
%%
Hanging of his cat on Monday
For killing of a mouse on Sunday.
 -- Drunken Barnaby's Four Journeys (edition of 1805, p. 5)
%%
Hanging was the worst use a man could be put to.
 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
 -- The Disparity between Buckingham and Essex
%%
Hangloose from the rooftop
%%
HANGMAN, n.  An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest
dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a
populace having a criminal ancestry.  In some of the American States
his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,
where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the
first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the
expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hangnail:  Coat hook...
%%
Hang on Barfo... we're going to make space tracks!
%%
Hang onto your turban, kid -- We're gonna make you a *star*!
 -- Genie
%%
Hang out our banners on the outward walls;
The cry is still, "They come!" our castle's strength
Will laugh a siege to scorn.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
Hangovers go away.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Hangovers go away.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
Hangover:  the mourning after the night before
%%
Hang sorrow! care 'll kill a cat.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Every Man in his Humour, Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Hang sorrow! care will kill a cat,
And therefore let 's be merry.
 -- George Wither (1588-1667)
 -- Poem on Christmas
%%
Hang ten!  -  Vlad the Impaler at the beach
%%
Hang up the phone, Scotty, there's no intelligent carrier down here.
%%
:hang: v. 1. To wait for an event that will never occur.  "The
   system is hanging because it can't read from the crashed drive".
   See {wedged}, {hung}.  2. To wait for some event to occur; to
   hang around until something happens.  "The program displays a menu
   and then hangs until you type a character."  Compare {block}.
   3. To attach a peripheral device, esp. in the construction `hang
   off':  "We're going to hang another tape drive off the file
   server."  Implies a device attached with cables, rather than
   something that is strictly inside the machine's chassis.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Han  "I don't know.  You think a princess and a guy like me..."
Leia "No."
 -- Star Wars
%%
Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--
 [aside] I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!
 --I would like...
 -- Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy"
%%
:Hanlon's Razor: prov. A corollary of {Finagle's Law}, similar
   to Occam's Razor, that reads "Never attribute to malice that which
   can be adequately explained by stupidity."  The derivation of the
   common title Hanlon's Razor is unknown; a similar epigram has been
   attributed to William James.  Quoted here because it seems to be a
   particular favorite of hackers, often showing up in {sig
   block}s, {fortune cookie} files and the login banners of BBS
   systems and commercial networks.  This probably reflects the
   hacker's daily experience of environments created by
   well-intentioned but short-sighted people.  Compare {Sturgeon's
   Law}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hannibal, as he had mighty virtues, so had he many vices; he had two
distinct persons in him.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Democritus to the Reader
%%
Hannibal was a very pretty fellow in those days.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- The Old Bachelor, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Hansen: "Commander Riker, I hearby promote you to the field commission of
  captain.  The Enterprise is your ship now.  Congratulations."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44001.4
%%
Hansen: "He is...a casuality of war."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44001.4
%%
Hansen: "In less than twenty-four hours, this armada is going to hit that Borg
  vessel with everything we can muster.  Either they survive or we don't.  As
  for Picard, a great man has been lost.  Your captain...my friend."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44001.4
%%
Hansen: "Lieutenant, a few years ago, I watched a freshman cadet pass
four  upperclassmen on the last hill of the forty-kilometer run at
Delulin II.  The  damnest thing I ever saw, the only freshman to ever
win the Academy Marathon.  I made it my business to get to know that
young fellow, and get to know him  very, very well.  And I'll tell
you something.  I never met anyone with more  drive and determination
or more courage than Jean-Luc Picard.  And there is no  way in hell
that he would submit to the Borg.  I want that clear."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44001.4
%%
Hansen: "We've mobilized a fleet of forty starships at Wolf-359, and that's
  just for starters.  The Klingons are sending starships.  Hell, we've even
  thought of opening communications with the Romulans!"
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds Part II", Stardate 44001.4
%%
Han Solo lives - in my refrigerator.
%%
Hanson: "This is the third time we've pulled out the captain's chair for Riker.
  He just won't sit down."
 -- "The Best Of Both Worlds", Stardate unknown
%%
Happens to blacks-racism, happens to men-women's liberation!
%%
:happily: adv.  Of software, used to emphasize that a program is
   unaware of some important fact about its environment, either
   because it has been fooled into believing a lie, or because it
   doesn't care.  The sense of `happy' here is not that of elation,
   but rather that of blissful ignorance.  "The program continues to
   run, happily unaware that its output is going to /dev/null."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that,
for the moment."
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
"Happily, I read English."
   [Draws sword] "Then read it happily."
 -- Exchange in the 1950s production of IVANHOE
%%
Happily may I walk.
May it be beautiful before me.
May it be beautiful behind me.
May it be beautiful below me.
May it be beautiful above me.
May it be beautiful all around me.
In beauty it is finished.
 -- Navaho Night Chant
%%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%%
Happiness and good fortune inevitably happen to someone else.
%%
Happiness at age ten was finding an empty six pack of returnable
Coke bottles. The poor kids these days will never know that they
missed, which is why we have a generation gap.
 -- Richard N. Farmer
%%
Happiness can be found in the bottom of a klien bottle.
 -- The Peanut Gallery
%%
Happiness can't buy money!
%%
Happiness: Changing TV Channels when football is on.
%%
Happiness comes in packages marked 'Batteries Not Included'.
%%
Happiness depends, as Nature shows,
Less on exterior things than most suppose.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Table Talk, Line 246
%%
Happiness descended upon him.  He didn't even have time to step aside.
%%
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
Happiness is a big fat uranium demodulating hypersphere.
%%
Happiness is a BIG hard drive!
%%
Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
 -- Mildred Barthel
%%
Happiness is a full backup.
%%
Happiness is a hard disk.
%%
Happiness is a loud belch.
%%
Happiness is a paycheck every week.
%%
Happiness is a Pig in Mud.
%%
Happiness is as a butterfly which when pursued is always beyond our
grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly may alight upon you.
 -- Nathaniel Hawthorne
%%
Happiness is a state of mind.  Not happy?  Change your mind.
%%
Happiness is a struggle, where there is no borderline between one's
 own personal world, and the world in general.
 -- Lee H. Oswald
%%
Happiness is a Tardis with a working dematerialization circuit.
%%
Happiness is attending an IndyCar race..
%%
Happiness is a twit filter...
%%
Happiness is a warm gun.
%%
Happiness is a warm modem.
%%
Happiness is a Warm Woman, a Hot Cycle, and a Cold Beer!
%%
Happiness is Being A SysOp.
%%
"Happiness is being famous for your financial
ability to indulge in every kind of excess."
 -- Calvin & Hobbes
%%
Happiness is Bill and Hillary's picture on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is coming.
%%
Happiness is egg-shaped.
%%
Happiness is finding special characters ^^^^^
%%
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
 -- Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
%%
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
 -- George Burns
%%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
Happiness is having friends who laugh at your stories when they're not so funny
and sympathize with you in your troubles even when they're not so bad.
%%
Happiness is in direct proportion to the distance from the home office.
Contradictory Corollary: The diner who is furthest from the kitchen
is a nervous eater.
 -- Al Blanchard
%%
Happiness is in the taste, and not in the things themselves; we are happy
from possessing what we like, not from possessing what others like.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.
%%
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%%
Happiness is just like the way you feel right now, only much, much better.
%%
Happiness is Killing Orcs.
%%
Happiness Is Mandatory....Are you Happy ?
%%
Happiness is no laughing matter.
%%
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that
 his arms and legs form "spokes."  Happiness is when he stops.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip.
%%
Happiness is not all it's cracked up to be.
%%
Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
 -- Margaret Lee Runbeck
%%
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
 -- Albert Schweitzer
%%
Happiness isn't something you experience. It's something you remember.
 -- Oscar Levant
%%
Happiness is oweing the IRS $50,000 when you die.
%%
Happiness is Planet Earth in your rear-view mirror.
 -- Sam Hurt
%%
Happiness is reading AUTORACE.
%%
Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!!
%%
Happiness is seeing Bill Clinton's face on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing Limbaugh's picture on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Bruins on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Devils on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Lightnings on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Maple Leafs on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Panthers on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Penguins on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Rangers on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Red Wings on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Sabres on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing the Whalers on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing your grouchy old neighbor's picture on a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
%%
Happiness is The Canadiens having the Stanley Cup.
%%
Happiness is the longing for repetition.
 -- Kundera
%%
Happiness is the result of discovering that you do not have to
have what you want.
 -- JAMES FLEIBLEMAN
%%
Happiness is to a matter of events;
it depends upon the tides of the mind.
 -- Alice Meynell
%%
Happiness is twin floppies.
%%
Happiness is usually measured in GigaBytes.
%%
Happiness is wanting what you have.
%%
Happiness is your favorite program moving to Windows.
%%
Happiness lies, first of all, in health.
 -- George William Curtis
%%
Happiness, like misery, is usually self-inflicted.
%%
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
Happiness: Me in a bar,  Bob buying the drinks!
%%
Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Happiness seems so hard to win.
%%
Happiness seems to require a modicum of external prosperity.
 -- Aristotle
%%
Happiness: waking up and seeing your boss' picture on the milk carton.
%%
Happy as a Pig in Mud!
%%
Happy as a vampire in a blood bank.
%%
Happy complaining, Bob!
%%
Happy days are here again.
%%
Happy Feast of the Pig.
%%
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which,
 if exposed due to rupture, should not be
 touched, inhaled, or looked at.
%%
Happy Fun Ball!  (still legal in 16 states)
%%
Happy-go-lucky people can only be happy when they are lucky.
%%
Happy Hanukah.
%%
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY JOY!
%%
Happy happy happy ... peel peel peel!
 -- Stimpy
%%
Happy he
With such a mother! faith in womankind
Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high
Comes easy to him; and tho' he trip and fall,
He shall not blind his soul with clay.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Princess, Part vii, Line 308
%%
Happy is harder than money. Anyone who thinks money will make them
happy, doesn't have money.
 -- David Geffen
%%
Happy is he who dashes the heads of his enemy's children against rocks.
%%
Happy is he who dashes the heads of his enemy's children against rocks.
 -- Psalms 137:9
%%
Happy is the blonde who can keep her hair light and her past dark.
%%
Happy is the child whose father died rich.
%%
Happy is the house that shelters a friend.
 -- Emerson
%%
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxxvii, 5
%%
Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary who
 will do it for him.
%%
Happy man be his dole!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
Happy man, happy dole.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. iii
%%
Happy modeming!
%%
Happy New Year!: Mary Christmas
%%
HAPPY: Paid too much.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Happy people are just so gross.
%%
Happy the man, and happy he alone,
  He who can call to-day his own;
  He who, secure within, can say,
To-morrow, do thy worst, for I have liv'd to-day.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Imitation of Horace, Book iii, Ode 29, Line 65
%%
Happy the man who, like Ulysses, has made a fine voyage, or has won
the Golden Fleece, and then returns, experienced and knowledgeable,
to spend the rest of his life among his family!
 -- Joachim Du Bellay (1522-1560), Sonnet de Regrets
%%
Happy the man whose wish and care
  A few paternal acres bound.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Ode on Solitude
%%
Happy the people whose annals are blank in history-books.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Life of Frederick the Great, Book xvi, Chap. i
%%
Happy who in his verse can gently steer
From grave to light, from pleasant to severe.
 -- Nicholas Boileau-Despreaux (1636-1711)
 -- The Art of Poetry, Canto i, Line 75
%%
:haque: /hak/ [USENET] n. Variant spelling of {hack}, used
   only for the noun form and connoting an {elegant} hack. that is
   a {hack} in sense 2.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HARANGUE, n.  A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue-
outang.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HARBOR, n.  A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed
to the fury of the customs.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hard as a piece of the nether millstone.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xli, 24
%%
:hardcoded: adj. 1. Said of data inserted directly into a program,
   where it cannot be easily modified, as opposed to data in some
   {profile}, resource (see {de-rezz} sense 2), or environment
   variable that a {user} or hacker can easily modify.  2. In C,
   this is esp. applied to use of a literal instead of a
   `#define' macro (see {magic number}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
hardcore signature virus: "As a juror in a Trial by Jury,
you have the right, power and duty to acquit the defendant
if you judge the law itself to be unjust."
 -- John McPherson, [e-mail]
%%
Hard Disk:  A device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts of data
with a few simple commands.
%%
Hard Disk error! Disk is soft... Harden it, then try...
%%
Hard DISK? Gee, sorry, lady, I misunderstood you.
%%
Hard disks never die... HA!
%%
Hard Drive Backed Up?   Try Hex-Lax!
%%
Hard Drive backup??? Who me.......
%%
Hard Drive Crash?  Dial 1-800-YOU BURN ..
%%
Hard Drive Crash..Sysop Strikes a Directory Tree
%%
Hard Drive is down and the sexdrive is operational!
%%
Hard Drive: taking a long car ride with your mother-in-law.
%%
Hard drugs made me a better person.
%%
hard err on diskunit
%%
Hard hat area!!!!!
%%
Hard-learned lessons are remembered longest.
%%
Hardly a competent workman can be found who does not devote a considerable
amount of time to studying just how slowly he can work and still convince
his employer that he is going at a good pace.
 -- Frederick W. Taylor
%%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
ankles in bullshit.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
 -- Daniel Dennett
%%
Hard rock. Heavy metal. Natural textures?
%%
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is
%%
Hardware buffs do it in nanoseconds.
%%
Hardware designers' performance is hardware dependant.
%%
Hardware Error
%%
Hardware hackers are a charge.
%%
Hardware hackers do it closely coupled.
%%
Hardware hackers do it electrically.
%%
Hardware hackers do it intermittently.
%%
Hardware hackers do it noisily.
%%
Hardware hackers do it on a bus.
%%
Hardware hackers do it over a wide temperature range.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with AC and DC.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with bus drivers.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with charge.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with connections.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with emitter-coupled logic.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with female banana plugs.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with male connectors.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with maximum ratings.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with power.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with resistance.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with transceivers.
%%
Hardware hackers do it with uncommon emitters into open collectors.
%%
Hardware hackers have faster rise times.
%%
Hardware hackers have sensitive probes.
%%
hardware: metal which when draped around the neck gives a musical
accompaniment to a climb and provides ballast to regulate a climber's ascent.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Hardware, n.:
 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%%
Hardware: Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman
has reassembled cpu.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
Hardware: The part you kick. Software: this you corrupt!
%%
Hardware: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment
 you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
%%
Hardware works best when it matters the least.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XLIII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
:hardwarily: /hard-weir'*-lee/ adv. In a way pertaining to
   hardware.  "The system is hardwarily unreliable."  The adjective
   `hardwary' is *not* traditionally used, though it has recently
   been reported from the U.K.  See {softwarily}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hard where? soft where?
%%
:hardwired: adj. 1. In software, syn. for {hardcoded}.  2. By
   extension, anything that is not modifiable, especially in the sense
   of customizable to one's particular needs or tastes.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
%%
Hard work must have killed someone!
%%
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
 -- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)
%%
Hare Forsberg, Hare Forsberg, Proyam proyam, Hare
%%
Hare Krishna Hare 4DOS
%%
HAREOKE
  Japanese tradition. The practice of singing a song very badly in
  front of lots of people, then killing yourself out of embarrassment.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Hari-kiri takes some guts.
%%
Harken ye, Wench, I Require Wine, Song, and Entertainment
%%
Hark! from the tombs a doleful sound.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Hymns and Spiritual Songs, Book ii, Hymn 63
%%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their
insides out And use them for his mittens
 -- From "The Thirteen Clocks"
%%
Hark, hark! the lark at heaven's gate sings,
  And Phoebus 'gins arise,
His steeds to water at those springs
  On chaliced flowers that lies;
And winking Mary-buds begin
  To ope their golden eyes:
With everything that pretty is,
  My lady sweet, arise.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
Hark! they whisper; angels say,
Sister spirit, come away!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dying Christian to his Soul
%%
Hark! to the hurried question of despair:
"Where is my child?"--an echo answers, "Where?
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Bride of Abydos, Canto ii, Stanza 27
%%
Hark! What light through yonder afro breaks?
%%
Hark, what mail from yonder modem breaks?
%%
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand
convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
 -- Tobias Smollet
%%
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
%%
HARMAN/BOECKMANN/COUCH/THOMAS/WHITE/WILLIAMS/WILSON
%%
Harmless ninja throwing button.
%%
HARMONISTS, n.  A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from
Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for
the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Harness her to the ceiling, position over you, ROTATE!
%%
Harpist:  A plucky musician...
%%
HARPISTS do it by pulling strings.
%%
Harris's Lament:
 All the good ones are taken.
%%
Harrods--what a snotty store! I mean, even the window dummies have
 attitudes.
 -- Kit Hollerbach
%%
Harry, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day,
    give yourself a present.  Don't plan it, don't wait for it, just let it
  happen.  It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a cat-nap in your
  office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black coffee...
 -- Special Agent Dale Cooper, from Twin Peaks
%%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
attitude is: We're wild horses.   We're going to eat your food, knock
down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
just like Richard Nixon.
 -- Dave Barry, Tenting Grandpa Bob
%%
Harry, keep the change...
%%
HartnellDOS 1.0: (A)bort (R)etry (T)ug on Lapels
%%
haruach hakaytzit chama hee kayadua.
%%
Harvesting Wild Plants: Dudley Nightshade
%%
HARVEY SMITH
  The gesture made by the more careless visiting American presidents
  to Australians. (Honest.)
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Has a dog a Buddha-nature?
 This is the most serious question of all.
 If you say 'yes' or 'no' you lose your own Buddha-nature.
%%
Has a few screws loose. Otherwise ok!
%%
Has a few wait states.
%%
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
%%
Has a leak in his ceiling.
%%
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
%%
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
%%
Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
%%
Has anybody ever found Waldo?
%%
Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not! They
 come out after dark, up to no good.
 -- P. G. Wodehouse
%%
Has anybody found a good use for a live cat?
%%
"Has anybody seen my legs?"
 -- Barney Miller
%%
Has anyone died from Engineering Math 4015?
%%
Has anyone found my marbles?
%%
Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?
Yes, I don't have one.
Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ...
 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
%%
Has anyone seen a life with my name on it?
%%
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
%%
Has anyone seen my sanity?
%%
Has anyone seen my tagline?  I think someone stole it!!
%%
Has anyone seen our Scout Troop Committee???
%%
Has anyone told you your a person of a few words... a few million.
 -- Toto the monkey, from the Jungle Doctor story, "Sweet and Sour Hippo"
%%
Has any turtle ever outlived a shaker of turtle food?
 -- Jerry Seinfeld
%%
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
%%
Has a room temperature IQ.
%%
Has a slow clock.
%%
"... Has Determined That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous To Your Health"
%%
'Has eighteen letters' does.
%%
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
 Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word database are
typed with the left hand?    Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%%
:hash bucket: n.  A notional receptacle, a set of which might be
   used to apportion data items for sorting or lookup purposes.  When
   you look up a name in the phone book (for example), you typically
   hash it by extracting its first letter; the hash buckets are the
   alphabetically ordered letter sections.  This term is used as
   techspeak with respect to code that uses actual hash functions; in
   jargon, it is used for human associative memory as well.  Thus, two
   things `in the same hash bucket' are more difficult to
   discriminate, and may be confused.  "If you hash English words
   only by length, you get too many common grammar words in the first
   couple of hash buckets." Compare {hash collision}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hash collision: [from the technical usage] n. (var. `hash
   clash') When used of people, signifies a confusion in associative
   memory or imagination, especially a persistent one (see
   {thinko}).  True story: One of us [ESR] was once on the phone
   with a friend about to move out to Berkeley.  When asked what he
   expected Berkeley to be like, the friend replied: "Well, I have
   this mental picture of naked women throwing Molotov cocktails, but
   I think that's just a collision in my hash tables."  Compare
   {hash bucket}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Has HELL frozen over yet?
%%
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
%%
Has history ever recorded a time when the maj. was right?
%%
Hash may be expensive but you pay for powder through the nose.
%%
HASH, x.  There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what
hash is.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Has it ever rained cats and dogs?
%%
Has no discretionary intellect.
%%
Has no upper stage.
%%
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
%%
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
%%
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
%%
Hasta la pizza...
%%
Hasta la vista, Bebe!
 -- Terminator 2 on int'l terms
%%
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food.
%%
Haste maketh waste.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ii
%%
Hasten slowly. [festina lente]
 -- Augustus Caesar
%%
Hasten to laugh at everything lest you be obliged to weep.
%%
Haste thee, Nymph, and bring with thee
Jest and youthful Jollity,
Quips and Cranks and wanton Wiles,
Nods and Becks and wreathed Smiles.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- L'Allegro, Line 25
%%
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
%%
Has the brains of a house plant.
%%
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
%%
Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.
%%
Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
%%
Has the world always been like this, or have I been too wrapped up in myself
to notice?
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD!
%%
:has the X nature: [seems to derive from Zen Buddhist koans of the
   form "Does an X have the Buddha-nature?"] adj. Common hacker
   construction for `is an X', used for humorous emphasis.  "Anyone
   who can't even use a program with on-screen help embedded in it
   truly has the {loser} nature!"  See also {the X that can be Y
   is not the true X}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Has this conference been sprinkled?????
%%
Has this fellow no feeling of his business?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hast... urrrrrrrk!
%%
Hastur!  Hastur!  Hastur!  See, nothing happe$%@!).#^NO CARRIER
%%
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
%%
Hasty climbers have sudden falls.
 -- Proverb
%%
Has your family tried 'em?

POWDERMILK BISCUITS

Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

POWDERMILK BISCUITS

Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
that indicate freshness.
%%
HATCHET, n.  A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.

    "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,
    For peace is a blessing," the White Man said.
        The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,
    With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
                                                           John Lukkus
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hateful to me as are the gates of hell, is he who, hiding one thing in
his heart, Utters another.
 -- Homer (c. 700 B.C.)
%%
Hate just I sentences reading with out of words order the.
%%
Hate. Love. All the same. Burn the world down.
%%
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
 -- Mahatma Gandhi
%%
HATE
  To dislike something immensely. If you would are interested in
  hate, and would like to take it up as a hobby, contact the Hate
  Everything League. They hold regular meetings at Hate Hall, where
  members read odes to Barry Manilow, sing songs about Volvo Drivers,
  rip Cobol source-code print-outs to shreds, and burn effigies of
  software company support line operators.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Hath his bellyful of fighting.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make
one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans ix, 21
%%
Hating anything in the way of ill-natured gossip ourselves,
 we are always grateful to those who do it for us and do it well.
%%
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%%
:hat: n. Common (spoken) name for the circumflex (`^', ASCII
   1011110) character.  See {ASCII} for other synonyms.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
hat_pmgreserve: invalid pmg
%%
Hatred is an ulcer on the body of brotherhood.
%%
Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
Hatred is not a family value
%%
Hatred is toxic waste in the river of life.
 -- Micron
%%
Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hat?  What hat?  That's a helipad for munchkins.
 -- Guinan
%%
Have 8-track, Will Travel.
%%
Have a blast while you last.
 -- Hollis Stacy
%%
Have a cold? Let me introduce you to Doc Jack Kevorkian.
%%
Have a Commander - Welcome aboard.
%%
Have a good meal today: eat a minotaur.
%%
Have a good trip! I hope you enjoy your absence more than I will.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Have a great day in spite of everyone!
%%
Have a great morning, and remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make
some of
your own.
 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
                   Preposterous Words
%%
Have a Husky day: 30 below and 5' of snow!
%%
Have an adequate day.
 -- Charade
%%
Have an affair. It'll help break up the monogamy.
%%
Have a nice day.
%%
Have a nice day, and a better tomorrow!
%%
Have a nice day or Klortho will rip your nuts off.
%%
Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
%%
Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans.
%%
"Have a nice diurnal anomaly."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Have an illuminated day!  [picture of smiley pyramid]
%%
Have another day.
%%
Have another Galactic Gargleblaster?
%%
Have any OK tags, but here's my Barney tags..
%%
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this
is not advice, it is merely custom.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Have a strong mind and a soft heart.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
"Have a van, now, load with weapons
 Packed up and ready to go....
 Sound of gun fire off in the distance....."
 -- Talking Heads
%%
Have a very good reason for everything you do.
 -- Laurence Olivier
%%
Have beer, will.....buuurrrrpppp.......party!
%%
Have blaster -- will travel.
%%
Have but one God:  thy knees were sore
If bent in prayer to three or four.
Adore no images save those
The coinage of thy country shows.
Take not the Name in vain.
Direct Thy swearing unto some effect.
Thy hand from Sunday work be held --
Work not at all unless compelled.
Honor thy parents, and perchance
Their wills thy fortunes may advance.
Kill not -- death liberates thy foe
From persecution's constant woe.
Kiss not thy neighbor's husband.  Of course
There's no objection to divorce.
To steal were folly, for 'tis plain
In cheating there is greater gain.
Bear not false witness.  Shake your head
And say that you have "heard it said."
Who stays to covet ne'er will catch
An opportunity to snatch.
 -- The New Decalogue
%%
Have courage Pete,  It could be worse.
%%
Have cursor, will curse.
%%
Have fun in Netland!
%%
Have fun.
 -- Jim Bouton
%%
Have hung
My dank and dropping weeds
To the stern god of sea.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Translation of Horace, Book i, Ode 5
%%
Have I caught my heav'nly jewel.
 -- Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
 -- Astrophel and Stella, Second Song
%%
...have I forsaken thee thus, my love?
...yes, for I'm a fool - forgive a fool?
for he knows not thee well.
%%
Have I found GOD?  Why, did you lose Her AGAIN?
%%
Have I kept you waiting?
 -- One of the world's worst questions
 -- Jane Goodsell
%%
Have in readiness this saying of Solon, "But we will not give up our
virtue in exchange for their wealth."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- How to profit by our Enemies
%%
Have IQ's dropped sharply while I was away?
 -- Ripley (in Aliens)
%%
Have mercy upon us miserable sinners.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- The Litany
%%
Have no fear - I never attack lesser beings.
%%
Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it.
 -- Salvador Dali
%%
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
 -- Cervantes
%%
Have no respect whatsoever for authority; forget who said it and instead
 look at what he starts with, where he ends up, and ask yourself, "Is it
 reasonable?"
 -- Richard Feyman's father
%%
"Haven't seen you for nigh onto three years. Where you been, Eddie?"
  "Drunk.  Feeling frisky tonight, boys?"
 -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?
%%
Haven't you any sense of humor?
 -- One of the world's worst questions
 -- Jane Goodsell
%%
Haven't you ever heard of a joke?
%%
Haven't you heard about the BIG HUNGRY BEAR?
%%
"Haven't you seen me somewhere before?"
"I know the name, but I can't remember the face."
 -- Woody Allen, "What's New, Pussycat?"
%%
Have paid scot and lot there any time this eighteen years.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Every Man in his Humour, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Have passion, will travel
%%
Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This still begs
the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to
blunt the warning signs.
%%
Have plenty of football for the
alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty.
 -- Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College
%%
Have screwdriver, will fix.
%%
Have something to say!
 -- Writer's Rule #1
%%
Have subspace modem, will telecommunicate.
%%
Have Tardis, will travel.
%%
Have the boy sent to the bridge.
 -- Picard
%%
Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.
 -- Robert Cody
%%
Have the courage to take off when the others are standing still.
%%
Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily I love you'
 on the back of the bill.
%%
Have time to waste?  Get Microsoft Windows 3.1!
%%
Have to ask the price?  You can't afford it!
%%
Have universal translator, will mumble!
%%
Have yee him on the hip.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. v
%%
Have you actually tasted an airline toilet seat?
%%
Have you been treated well, Lieutenant?
Fine Captain, but they're showing some signs of wear.
 -- Yar and Picard, "Code of Honor", stardate 41235.25
%%
Have you called System Support today?
%%
Have you changed your tofu water today?
%%
Have you clubbed an ignorant human today?
%%
Have you counted your Legos lately?
%%
Have you crashed your Windows today?
%%
Have you cursed your software developer today?
%%
Have you done your "good turn" today?
%%
Have you driven OS/2...Lately?
%%
Have you drug tested YOUR legislators today?
%%
Have you @#%!ed your dog today?
%%
Have you ever attended
0100 ... Usenix?
0101 ... DECUS?
0102 ... SHARE?
0103 ... SIGGRAPH?
0104 ... NetCon?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever beaten
0251 ... Moria 4.8?
0252 ... Rogue 3.6?
0253 ... Rogue 5.3?
0254 ... Larn?
0255 ... Hack 1.0.3?
0256 ... Nethack 2.4?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever been frisked on a plane trip? They frisk you and then, on the
 plane, they serve and everybody has a steak knife!
 -- Shelley Berman
%%
Have you ever been in a restaurant and there's a couple in the next booth
 being overly affectionate? They're necking and groping and you're trying to
 eat your eggs. I always want to go up to them and say, "Excuse me ... would
 you mind if I join you?" How do these people think? Do they wake up in the
 morning: "Do you want to have sex, honey?" "No, let's wait till we get to
 Denny's!"
 -- Bobby Kelton
%%
Have you ever been overlayed?
%%
Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
%%
Have you ever built
0273 ... an Altair?
0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
No...I could never get used to the underwear.
 -- The Bishop and Edmund : Money
%%
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
%%
Have you ever: drank beer because you liked to piss?
%%
Have you ever felt that all the world's a stage and you are the only one in
the audience?
%%
Have you ever had to finally decide...
%%
Have you ever had your stack stuck on a semaphore? (inside joke)
%%
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
%%
Have you ever jumped the Elephant Mans bones?
%%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you,
"There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?
%%
Have you ever noticed what "golf" spells backwards?
%%
Have you ever picked a lock? [yn]
Really. Well, the police are being notified.
%%
Have you ever played
0246 ... Spacewar?
0247 ... Star Trek?
0248 ... Wumpus?
0249 ... Lunar Lander?
0250 ... Empire?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever programmed in
0095 ... the X windowing system?
0096 ... CICS?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever seen a plant with its leaves curled up? Have you watered it and
watched its leaves spread out again? Almost as quick as that can be the
response of a child's mind to a teacher who knows how to nourish it.
 -- Morris Mandel
%%
Have you ever started a chain reaction by dropping your bike onto a line of
 parked bikes?' (+3)
Did you receive applause for this?' (+1)
%%
Have you ever tried looking at the stars through a squirrel?
%%
Have you ever used
0085 ... TPU?
0086 ... TECO?
0087 ... Emacs?
0088 ... ed?
0089 ... vi?
0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 ... SOS?
0092 ... EDT?
0093 ... Wordstar?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever used
0268 ... a teletype?
0269 ... a paper tape?
0270 ... a decwriter?
0271 ... a card reader/punch?
0272 ... a SOL?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you ever wanted to go home and kick the kids???  Get help!!!
%%
Have you ever wished you could download a beer?
%%
Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?
%%
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs,
I mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container
filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in
their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
mass murderers.  They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
they are able to produce Laverne and Shirley week after week.
 -- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
%%
Have you ever wondered why aquarium water tastes funny?
%%
Have you ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
%%
Have you ever written
0444 ... a compiler?
0445 ... an operating system?
0446 ... a device driver?
0447 ... a text processor?
0448 ... a display hack?
0449 ... a database system?
0450 ... an expert system?
0451 ... an edge detector?
0452 ... a real-time control system?
0453 ... an accounting package?
0454 ... a virus?
0455 ... a prophylactic?
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Have you flogged your crew today?
%%
Have you found your life distasteful?
  My life did, and does, smack sweet.
Was your youth of pleasure wasteful?
  Mine I saved and hold complete.
Do your joys with age diminish?
  When mine fail me, I 'll complain.
Must in death your daylight finish?
  My sun sets to rise again.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- At the "Mermaid, " Stanza 10
%%
Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
%%
Have you got a plan, my lord?
Yes I have...and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Money
%%
Have you got some reason to want my atoms scattered all over space, boy?
 -- McCoy to Data, "Encounter at Farpoint", stardate 41153.7
%%
Have you got your income tax papers yet? They've done away with all those
 silly questions now. There are only three questions on the form:

       1. How much did you earn?

       2. How much do you have left?

       3. Send it in.
 -- Sandy Powell
%%
Have you had your 50,000-lines-read checkup yet?
%%
Have you had your daily echomail fix?
%%
Have you had your reality check today?  Don't worry, it's in the mail.
%%
Have you had your Wheaties today?
%%
Have you heard about "Sophie's Choice" Potato Chips?  They're small, but you
can only take one.
%%
Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
He got re-possessed!
%%
Have you heard about the new Super Sensitive condoms ?,
they hang about after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
 -- Elayne Boosler.
%%
Have you heard from your brain lately?
%%
Have you heard of the new "morning after" pill being developed as a
 replacement for RU-486?  It's called RU-Pentium.  It causes the embryo to not
 divide correctly.
%%
Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992?
 Don't miss it!  Anybody who's everybody will be there!
%%
Have you heard the *bad* News? Cthulhu fhtagn! <-Huh?
%%
Have you heard the one about the rabbi, the goat and Bill Gates?
%%
Have you hugged a Klingon today (and survived)?
%%
Have you hugged an electric fence today?
%%
Have you hugged a porcupine today?
%%
Have you hugged a programmer today?
%%
Have you hugged your chipset today?
%%
Have you hugged your computer lately?
%%
Have you hugged your CPU today?
%%
Have you hugged your dragon today?
%%
Have you hugged your local gynoterrorist today?
%%
Have you hugged your logic probe today?
%%
Have you hugged your modem today?
%%
Have you hugged your motherboard today?
%%
Have you hugged your .sig today?
%%
Have you hugged your smurf today?
%%
Have you hugged your Sysop today?
%%
Have you hugged your Teddy today?
%%
Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?
%%
Have You Listened To Rush Limbaugh Today ?.....
%%
Have you lived here all your life?
Oh, twice that long.
%%
Have you lived in this village all your life?
 No, not yet.
%%
Have you locked your file cabinet?
%%
Have you not heard it said full oft,
A woman's nay doth stand for naught?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Sonnets & other Poetry
 -- The Passionate Pilgrim, xiv
%%
Have you not heard these many years ago
  Jeptha was judge of Israel?
He had one only daughter and no mo,
  The which he loved passing well;
        And as by lott,
        God wot,
        It so came to pass,
        As God's will was.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Jepthah, Judge of Israel
%%
Have you noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
 going faster than you is a moron.
 -- George Carlin
%%
Have you noticed how many drivers get real mad if they miss you?
%%
Have you noticed how much Ross Perot resembles a Ferengi?
%%
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
%%
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women
that you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
 -- George Carlin
%%
Have you noticed that your body is playing little tricks on you lately? If
 you are a boy, you may have noticed your legs, face, arms, and chest are
 becoming covered with thick, black hairs and your voice may be beginning to
 sound like a phonograph needle ruining your favorite stack of platters. If
 you are a girl, you may have noticed a painful swelling up here and some
 more funny business going on down there.

 These dramatic changes can mean only one thing: cholera. If you are not
 among the lucky ones, then it simply means you are becoming a young man or
 a young woman, depending on how much fluoride they dumped in your parents'
 drinking water. I know that such changes can often be difficult for growing
 teens, but try to weather the storm and "grin and bear it." There is always
 impotence and menopause.
 -- Doug Kenney
%%
Have you noticed the underground mazes yet?  There are four of them,
one below each island.   If you manage to thread through them, you'll
find a short-cut between the islands.  Also, have you investigated the
cactus and banana tree?  Have you used the fountain of youth?
%%
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
 -- Dr. Who
%%
Have you pushed a Ford lately?
%%
Have you read the Penguin Book of Quotations. (I never realised
 penguins had that much to say.)
%%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%%
Have your girl call my girl, and let's do lunch Thursday.
 -- Yuppy Speak
%%
Have Your Modem Call My Modem And We'll Do Lunch
%%
Have you roasted a Conservative today?
%%
Have you said "I love you" to your mother lately
%%
Have you said "THANKS" to your Sysop today?
%%
Have you seen my mind? It wandered again. [SIGH]
%%
Have you seen Quasimodo lately?  I have a hunch he's back.
%%
Have YOU seen that GIF of Carol Carmichael?
%%
Have you seen the bridge?
%%
Have you seen the fast-food version of a liquid? A triple-thick shake? You
 need an industrial suction pump to get it up the straw. There's people
 wandering around with bleeding ear holes because they've been sucking too
 hard. Everybody sucks together--the windows of the shop cave in! Big Macs.
 Fast food. Fast food? Why don't you just flush it straight down the toilet
 and cut out the middleman?
 -- Ben Elton
%%
Have you seen the poster child for birth control?  Got a mirror?
%%
Have you sent in a Dumb Coupon today?
%%
Have You Snaged Your SYSOPS Tag Today, Then Snipit
%%
Have you suffered through to Rush Limbaugh today?
%%
Have you summoned your wits from wool-gathering?
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- The Family of Love, Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Have you taunted a Conservative today?
%%
Have you thanked your Sysop lately?
%%
"Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks?"
"No..."
"It's the central preoccupation of my life."
 -- Joe vs. the Volcano
%%
Have YOU totaled a Ford ... Lately?
%%
Have you tried 3-way calling & TriModem 1.13?
%%
Have you tried on your smile today?
%%
Have you: Tried the other two spells?  Fed the dragon & gorilla?  Gone
through the gem hall & the ice caverns?  Obtained the bracelet?  Ankh?
amulet?  Amethyst?  Explored *everywhere*?  Remember, the treasures
belong in the observatory.
%%
Have you tried "Warluck" yet?
%%
Have you uploaded clip art today?
%%
Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
Having a daughter is like riding a young horse
over an unknown steeplechase course.
You don't know when to pull up the reins,
when to let the horse have the head ... or what.
 -- Princess Grace of Monaco
%%
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
 -- Martin Mull
%%
Having a good time can be deadly.
%%
Having an honest face is truly a great asset, particularly if you plan to
 make a lifetime occupation out of crime.
%%
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
%%
Having a passionate commitment to social justice does not excuse you
from knowing what in the hell you're talking about.
%%
Having children will turn you into your parents.
%%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
 -- R. E. Masters
%%
Having failed to conquer myself, I hope for an alliance.
%%
Having found Truth, I search for Fantasy.
%%
Having high aims in life makes it a bit more possible to shoot yourself in
 the knee, rather than in the foot.
%%
Having lost all sense of direction, we doubled our pace!
%%
Having no security is better than thinking you have security when you don't.
%%
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%%
Having ovaries does not automatically make you a nice person.
%%
Having problems with DOS??  Call 1-900-WHAAAAA
%%
Having sex with computers results in baby calculators.
%%
Having sex with Rachel is AMAZING. It's like going to a concert, it really
 is. She screams a lot... She throws frisbees around the room... When she
 wants more, she lights a match.
%%
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
%%
Having the surname Git is hard for my son Spotty Little Two-faced.
%%
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
 -- Margaret Mead. American anthropologist
%%
Having used 14400 bps, even 9600 bps is slow!
%%
Hawaiians do it volcanicly.
%%
Hawaiian Seduction by Komonawanalaya
%%
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN
the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle,
 -- Hawaii, 4/25/89, (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
Hawaii is as American as apple poi.
%%
Hawaii is a unique state.  It is a small state.  It is a state that is by
itself. It is a - it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states
are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle when a woman at a hospital
 -- in Colorado Springs asked Mr. Quayle last week whether Hawaii's
 -- universal health-care plan might serve as a national model.
 -- (reported in the NY Times, 10/7/92 and
 -- the Ft. Wayne Journal Gazette 10/11/92)
%%
"Hawk, we're going to die."
"Never say die...and certainly never say we."
 -- MASH
%%
Hayden: "Jean-Luc, I don't have to tell you the Federation is not
prepared for a
  new sustained conflict.  You *must* preserve the peace, no matter what the
  cost."
 -- "The Wounded", Stardate 44429.6
%%
"Hayl, you know an' I know that th' only way in th'
 world we can get that kind o' money is if we found
 a bottle of Coke with a mouse in it."
 -- Randy Quaid explains funding to Pee-Wee Herman on a SNL episode
%%
Hayneedlestack
%%
HBT: Harvest Binary Tree
%%
HBW: Hang Bus and Wait
%%
HCF: Halt and Catch Fire
%%
:HCF: /H-C-F/ n. Mnemonic for `Halt and Catch Fire', any of
   several undocumented and semi-mythical machine instructions with
   destructive side-effects, supposedly included for test purposes on
   several well-known architectures going as far back as the IBM 360.
   The MC6800 microprocessor was the first for which an HCF opcode
   became widely known.  This instruction caused the processor to
   {toggle} a subset of the bus lines as rapidly as it could; in
   some configurations this could actually cause lines to burn
   up.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HCFI: Halt and Catch Fire Immediate
%%
HCP     Hide Central Processor [makes virtual CPU's act like virtual memories]
%%
HCRS: Hang in CRitical Section
%%
HD Crash: (P)anic, (S)uicide, (K)ill bystanders?
%%
HD failure: (A)bort (R)etry (N)egotiate (C)ry
%%
HD FAILURE: C)old Boot W)arm Boot S)teel-toe Boot?
%%
HDH: Hi Dee Ho
%%
HDO: Halt and Disable Operator
%%
HD Recovery: see online documentation....
%%
HDRW: Halt and Display Random Word
%%
"Headache?"
"No thanks, I've already got one."
 -- The Fusco Brothers
%%
Headaches are all in your mind!
%%
Headbanger       a human hammer!
%%
Head cheese - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.
%%
Head Cleaner - rotary brillo pad.
%%
Head Crash - what your crash helmet is for.
%%
heading: going to the latrine.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Head in the clouds, feet in a cowpie.
%%
headlamp: lantern left shining at night to mark a latrine.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Head Lettuce.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
Head of Security: Barb Dwyer
%%
He adorned whatever subject he either spoke or wrote upon, by the
most splendid eloquence.
 -- Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
 -- Character of Bolingbroke
%%
Head over flukes.
 -- Cliches for merfolk
%%
:heads down: [Sun] adj. Concentrating, usually so heavily and for
   so long that everything outside the focus area is missed.  See also
   {hack mode} and {larval stage}, although this mode is hardly
   confined to fledgling hackers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Heads I win... DITTO tails.
%%
Heads, up Boise! Incoming spuds!
%%
Headware Hayes:  For the net.junkie in your life.
%%
Headweasels: the pompous, arrogant, etc, maitre d's who ruin a meal.
%%
He ain't heavy;  he's a Shareware Author.
%%
Healed Head Bad, Bleeding Head Good!
%%
He alludes to the appearance of a face in the orb of the moon.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Epicurus, xxv
%%
He alone is an acute observer who can observe minutely without being observed.
 -- Lavater
%%
Health and cheerfulness mutually beget each other.
 -- Joseph Addison
%%
Health Care, Crime, Welfare Reform, Lobbyist Control, all lose to O.J.
%%
Healthcare Virus: Tests system, finds nothing wrong, bills you $4,500.
%%
Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors.
 -- Quentin Crisp
%%
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future...
%%
Health is the second blessing that we mortals are capable of,--a blessing
that money cannot buy.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 21
%%
Health is the vital principle of bliss,
And exercise, of health.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Castle of Indolence, Canto ii, Stanza 55
%%
HEALTH: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor.
If you have a stroke, keep drinking and act like you
prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut
off a limb while using a power tool-so what? That's
why there's duct tape and staple guns.
If someone tries to drive you to the hospital after
a heart attack or maiming, punch him in the throat.
(Optional retorts: "Drive This!" or "Fuck you!" or
"Shut the fuck up!")
 -- Denis Leary from "Are you Man enough?"
%%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
 of nothing.
 -- Redd Foxx
%%
HEALTH TIP #1: Never Agree to Trading Stools in a Gay Bar!
%%
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
 Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
%%
Healthy mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because
the evil facts which it refuses postively to account for are a genuine
portion of reality; and they may after all be the best key to life's
significance..
 -- William James
%%
He always looked a given horse in the mouth.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. xi
%%
He always talks like that. Sometimes, I think he can't help it.
%%
Heap coals of fire upon his head.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxv, 22
%%
Hear about the Quebec bra?  Lifts *and* separates?
%%
Hear about the two maggots making love in Dead Ernest?
%%
Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
He spent the night in a warehouse.
%%
Heard about the new book from Helen Keller?  Around the block in eighty
 days.
%%
 Heard a lot of talk about this Jesus
     A man of love, a man of strength
    But what a man was two thousand years ago
    Means nothing at all to me today.
 -- Operation Spirit, Live
%%
Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
  Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on,--
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
  Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Ode on a Grecian Urn
%%
Heard on A. Centauri, 2361:  So you're from Earth!  Do you know ----?
%%
Heard so oft
In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge
Of battle.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 275
%%
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I cam over to help."
"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
%%
Hear, hear!  Well spoken, Bruce!
%%
Hearkners, we say, seldom hear good of themselves.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Ecclesiastes vii
%%
Hear me, my chiefs!  I am tired.  My heart is sick and sad.  From
where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever.
 -- Chief Joseph on his surrender to Gen. Howard, October 5, 1877
%%
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil....there goes the TV....
%%
Hear no ill of a friend, nor speak any of an enemy.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Hear one side, and you will be in the dark; Hear both sides, and
all will be in the clear.
 -- Haliburton
%%
Hear reason, or she'll make you feel her.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He arrests him on it;
And follows close the rigour of the statute,
To make him an example.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
Hearsay:  What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
%%
HEARSE, n.  Death's baby-carriage.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:heartbeat: n. 1. The signal emitted by a Level 2 Ethernet
   transceiver at the end of every packet to show that the
   collision-detection circuit is still connected.  2. A periodic
   synchronization signal used by software or hardware, such as a bus
   clock or a periodic interrupt.  3. The `natural' oscillation
   frequency of a computer's clock crystal, before frequency division
   down to the machine's clock rate.  4. A signal emitted at regular
   intervals by software to demonstrate that it is still alive.
   Sometimes hardware is designed to reboot the machine if it stops
   hearing a heartbeat.  See also {breath-of-life packet}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
 ("Heartbreak Hotel":)
 I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell,
 And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
 -- Answering machine madness - mainly musical theme
%%
HEART, n.  An automatic, muscular blood-pump.  Figuratively, this
useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a
very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once
universal belief.  It is now known that the sentiments and emotions
reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of
the gastric fluid.  The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a
feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from
which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a
caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a
pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a
hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh
of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M.
Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity.  (See, also,
my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and
Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)  In a
scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John
Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a
striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's
famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Heart on her lips, and soul within her eyes,
Soft as her clime, and sunny as her skies.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Beppo, Stanza 45
%%
Hearts of oak are our ships,
Hearts of oak are our men.
 -- David Garrick (1716-1779)
 -- Hearts of Oak
%%
Hear twice before you speak once.
%%
Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go
outdoors.
 -- Norman Cousins
%%
Hear ye not the hum
Of mighty workings?
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Addressed to Haydon, Sonnet x
%%
Hear you this Triton of the minnows? Mark you
His absolute "shall"?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Heat expands: in the summer the days are longer.
%%
Heather Chandler's dying words: Corn nuts!
%%
Heather: Get drunk and tip cows.
%%
Heather to her 2 mommies: "Why do I have only 1 navel?"
%%
'Heather, why are you such a megabitch ?'
'Because I can be.'
 -- Heathers
%%
Heating with wood, you get warm twice:  Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
%%
"Heat, ma'am!" I said; "it was so dreadful here, that I found there
was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones."
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 267
%%
HEAT, n.
    Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
        Of motion, but I know now how he's proving
    His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed
        With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
    And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
    _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.
                                                          Gorton Swope
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot
That it do singe yourself.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Heat produced by pressure expands to fill the mind available, from
which it can pass only to a cooler mind.
 -- C. Northcote Parkinson
%%
:heatseeker: [IBM] n. A customer who can be relied upon to buy,
   without fail, the latest version of an existing product (not quite
   the same as a member of the {lunatic fringe}).  A 1993 example of a
   heatseeker is someone who, owning a 286 PC and Windows 3.0, goes
   out and buys Windows 3.1 (which offers no worthwhile benefits
   unless you have a 386).  If all customers were heatseekers, vast
   amounts of money could be made by just fixing the bugs in each
   release (n) and selling it to them as release (n+1).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Heav'd on Olympus tott'ring Ossa stood;
On Ossa, Pelion nods with all his wood.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xi, Line 387
%%
Heave Ho - Bruins Blow!
%%
Heave Ho - GO HABS GO!
%%
Heave Ho - Rangers Blow!
%%
Heaven allows glimpses only to those at a distance.
%%
Heaven can wait.
%%
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over..
%%
Heaven (eternal life) is a free gift -- based on God's grace!
%%
Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Eloisa to Abelard, Line 51
%%
Heaven from all creatures hides the book of Fate,
All but the page prescrib'd, their present state.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 77
%%
Heaven gives its favourites--early death.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 102
%%
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit,
you would stay out and your dog would go in.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- The Mourning Bride, Act iii, Sc. 8
%%
Heaven hath no spam...
%%
Heaven hears and pities hapless men like me,
For sacred ev'n to gods is misery.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book v, Line 572
%%
Heaven Holds a Place for Those who Prey
%%
Heaven is above all yet; there sits a judge that no king can corrupt.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
    Heaven is: an American salary, an English house, a Chinese cook, and a
Japanese wife.
    Hell is: a Chinese salary, a Japanese house, an English cook, and an
American wife.
 -- Peter Kegelman
%%
Heaven is down. Hell is up.
This is proven by the fact
that the planets and stars
are orderly in their
movements,
while down on earth
we come close to the
primal chaos.
There are four other
proofs,
but I forget them.
 -- Josh the Dill, King Kong Kabal
%%
Heaven is not always angry when he strikes,
But most chastises those whom most he likes.
 -- John Pomfret (1667-1703)
 -- Verses to his Friend under Affliction
%%
Heaven lies about us in our infancy.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with
talk of their
personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your
own.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Heaven needs no press agent because it has no competition, but sin
is competitive.
%%
Heaven open'd wide
Her ever during gates, harmonious sound,
On golden hinges moving.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book vii, Line 205
%%
Heaven or hell?  Don't matter.  You'll go thru Atlanta.
%%
Heaven's gates ate not so highly arch'd as princes' palaces; they
that enter there must go upon their knees.
 -- Webster
%%
Heaven's help is better than early rising.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. xxxiv
%%
Heaven's Sovereign saves all beings but himself
That hideous sight,--a naked human heart.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night iii, Line 226
%%
Heaven wheels above you
Displaying to you eternal glories
And still your eyes are on the ground.
 -- Dante
%%
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
 -- Lord Kelvin, Royal Society President, 1895
%%
Heav'n but the Vision of fulfill'd Desire,
And Hell the Shadow of a Soul on fire.
 -- Omar Khayyam (died c.1133)
 -- Rubaiyat, Stanza lxvii
%%
Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
%%
:heavy metal: [Cambridge] n. Syn. {big iron}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Heavy petting leads to a happy puppy.
%%
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead.
 -- W. S. Gilbert
%%
:heavyweight: adj. High-overhead; {baroque}; code-intensive;
   featureful, but costly.  Esp. used of communication protocols,
   language designs, and any sort of implementation in which maximum
   generality and/or ease of implementation has been pushed at the
   expense of mundane considerations such as speed, memory
   utilization, and startup time.  {EMACS} is a heavyweight editor;
   {X} is an *extremely* heavyweight window system.  This term
   isn't pejorative, but one hacker's heavyweight is another's
   {elephantine} and a third's {monstrosity}.  Oppose
   `lightweight'.  Usage: now borders on techspeak, especially in
   the compound `heavyweight process'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:heavy wizardry: n. Code or designs that trade on a particularly
   intimate knowledge or experience of a particular operating system
   or language or complex application interface.  Distinguished from
   {deep magic}, which trades more on arcane *theoretical*
   knowledge.  Writing device drivers is heavy wizardry; so is
   interfacing to {X} (sense 2) without a toolkit.  Esp. found in
   source-code comments of the form "Heavy wizardry begins here".
   Compare {voodoo programming}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
He: Baby, drinking makes you beautiful. She: I don't drink. He: I do.
%%
He became mellow before he became ripe.
 -- Alexander Woolcott
%%
He bellows like a cow standing on her tit.
%%
He best can paint them who shall feel them most.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Eloisa to Abelard, Last line
%%
He bids fair to grow wise who has discovered that he is not so.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 598
%%
HEBREW, n.  A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an
altogether superior creation.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HEBREW - the **MANLY** beer!
%%
He buy me a soda... he buy me a soda and tried to molest me in the
parking lot, yep yep yep yep
%%
He calls drunkenness an expression identical with ruin.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pythagoras, vi
%%
He came so close that you have been badly burned. You won't
be be able to carry as much as before!
%%
He came up to my table, he goes, "Hey, darling, you're okay in my book."
 Yeah. Apparently not a best-seller. He wouldn't let up either. He took my
 glasses off and he said, "Without your glasses, why, you're beautiful." I
 said, "Without my glasses, you're not half bad either."
 -- Kit Hollerbach
%%
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
%%
He can get into a stew faster than an oyster.
%%
He can recall the score of the Army-Navy game of '54, the electoral votes
 the Republicans won in the last election, and the gas mileage of the first
 car he ever owned. But he can't remember what size socks he wears, the ages
 of his children, or the name of that old Cole Porter number that his wife
 refers to as "our" song.
 -- Jane Goodsell
%%
He can remember the night he lost his innocence in the back seat of the
 family car. It would have been even more memorable if he hadn't been alone.
 -- Red Buttons
%%
He can't be a man cause he does not smoke the same cigarettes as me.
%%
He ceas'd; but left so pleasing on their ear
His voice, that list'ning still they seem'd to hear.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiii, Line 1
%%
He cheated.
I changed the conditions of the test; got a commendation for
original thinking!
 -- David and Kirk, "The Wrath of Khan,"  stardate 8130.3.
%%
"Heck, I could beat Eleminster ANYDAY!"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Heck I reckon you wouldn't even be human if you didn't have some pretty
 strong feelings about nuclear war.
 -- Major Kong, from Dr. Strangelove
%%
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
%%
Heck no I ain't broke, Just badly bent.
%%
He comes not in my books.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- The Widow, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
He cometh unto you with a tale which holdeth children from play, and
old men from the chimney-corner.
 -- Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
 -- Defence of Poesy
%%
He compares your nastiness to that of a man who rises in the morning and finds
that the shoe he has just put his foot in has been used the night before as a
chamber pot.
%%
He conquers who endures.
 -- Perseus
%%
He coude songes make, and wel endite.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 95
%%
He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
%%
He declared that he knew nothing, except the fact of his ignorance.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Socrates, xvi
%%
" 'He deserves death'.
  'Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that
die deserve life. Can you give it to them ? Then do not be too eager to deal
out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.' "
 -- J. R. R. Tolkien - The Lord of the Rings
%%
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
 -- The Koran
%%
Hedgehogs do it cautiously.
%%
He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort,
he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion.
 -- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_
%%
He did not care a button for it.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book ii, Chap. xvi
%%
    He did not mean to be cruel.  If anybody had called him
so, he would have resented it extremely.  He would have said
that what he did was done entirely for the good of the
country.  But he was a man who had always been accustomed to
consider himself first and foremost, believing that whatever
he wanted was sure to be right, and therefore he ought to have
it.  So he tried to get it, and got it too, as people like him
very often do.  Whether they enjoy it when they have it is
another question.
 -- Dinah Craik, The Little Lame Prince
%%
He didn't drop the bat.  It fell out of his hand.
%%
He Didn't Like Her Apartment, So He Knocked Her Flat.
 -- Homer Haynes
%%
He didn't really say THAT! Did he????
%%
He didn't run for reelection.    `Politics brings you into contact with all the
 people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'
 -- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
%%
He died a hero's death, dying so his friends might live...
...And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
 -- Percy and Edmund : Potato
%%
He dies, and makes no sign.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Hedley W. Donovan, Editor-in-Chief, Time Magazine, was an Eagle Scout.
%%
"He'd make a fine addition to the team, Batman... if only he wasn't so lacking
 in energy and enthusiasm."
  "We'll have to get him to work on that."
 -- 24th century manners, courtesy of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE
%%
He'd need a hole in the ground to shrink to his normal proportions.
%%
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.
%%
He does not seem to me to be a free man
who does not sometimes do nothing.
 -- Cicero
%%
He doesn't inhale but he sure sucks.
%%
"He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy.  He doesn't know when
he's winning either.  He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus
known to man."
 -- Monty Python
%%
He doesn't like me.  HE NEVER LIKED ME!
%%
HE doesn't work, but he's pretty ugly.
%%
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
%%
He does TOO have to shoot me now! SO SHOOT ME NOW! <BLAM<
%%
..  he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hedonist for hire - No job too easy!
%%
He don't know me vewy well, DO he?
 -- Bugs Bunny
%%
He doth nothing but talk of his horse; and he makes it a great appropriation
to his own good parts, that he can shoe himself.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of
his argument.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
He either fears his fate too much,
  Or his deserts are small,
That dares not put it to the touch
  To gain or lose it all.
 -- Marquis of Montrose (1612-1650)
 -- My Dear and only Love
%%
Hee must have a long spoone, shall eat with the devill.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. v
%%
"He even looks like God... except his hands are in his pockets."
  "They should be, he's got four dead Presidents in 'em."
 -- Albert Finny and a forgotten actress in "Wolfen"
%%
He experienced that nervous agitation to which brave men as well
as cowards are subject; with this difference, that the one sinks
under it, like the vine under the hailstorm, and the other collects
his energies to shake it off, as the cedar of Lebanon is said to
elevate its boughs to disperse the show which accumulates upon them.
 -- Sir Walter Scott
%%
He fashioneth their hearts alike.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxxiii, 15
%%
He fell into a vat of pudding mixture and was found battered to death.
 -- Kenneth Horne
%%
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
%%
He first deceased; she for a little tried
To live without him, liked it not, and died.
 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
 -- Upon the Death of Sir Albert Morton's Wife
%%
He freshly and cheerfully asked him how a man should kill time.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book iv, Chap. lxii
%%
He from whose lips divine persuasion flows.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book vii, Line 143
%%
He gave his honours to the world again,
His blessed part to heaven, and slept in peace.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
He gave his life for tourism.
%%
He gave his life in an attempt to save others.  Not the worst way to go.
 -- Kirk, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.9
%%
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can
never learn anything from history.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
He gets lost on random walks.
%%
He gets on best with women who has learned to get on without them.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
He gets through too late who goes too fast.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 767
%%
He gives twice who gives quickly.
 -- Latin proverb
%%
He gives us the very quintessence of perception,--the clearly crystalized
precipitation of all that is most precious in the ferment of impression
after the impertinent and obtrusive particulars have evaporated from
the memory.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Coleridge
%%
He giveth his beloved sleep.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxxvii, 2
%%
"He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth.  It comes in one
 verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there
 is a certain pleasure in contemplating the wailing and gnashing of
 teeth, or else it would not occur so often."
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967), "Why I Am Not a Christian"
%%
He got the upside, I got the downside.
%%
He grew up in Washington, D.C., and he's the son of a wealthy U.S.  Senator...
He went to the most expensive private schools in Washington, D.C., and I'm
the product of the public schools...  I'm at a big disadvantage, but we'll
do all right.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle while in Detroit, 9/30/92
                   A spokesman later said that he was joking.
                   (reported in the Philadelphia Inquirer 10/1/92):
%%
He had a deep voice. A big deep booming voice.
..So quite like mine, then.
No, my lord, a _big, deep, booming_ voice...
 -- Ploppy and Edmund : Head
%%
He had a long-dogma look.
%%
He had a lot of trouble in geometry, he thought the thing opposite
the right angle in a right-angled triangle was a hippopotamus.
%%
He had an awful dizzy spell. He dropped a dime in a revolving door and it
 took him five minutes to find it.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out
of cucumbers, which were to be put in phials hermetically sealed,
and let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Gulliver's Travels, Part iii, Chap. v, Voyage to Laputa
%%
. . He had by now divested himself of schoolboy attitudes. He was
unburdened by the desire to be a martyr or a hero. Any thoughts in that
direction, Belgica effectively had quashed. Heroism in the corrupt sense of
the age almost by definition, meant wanton self-sacrifice and bungling. For
neither had he any taste. He wanted rational attainment; victory, but not
at any price. No point upon the globe was worth the cost of a single life.
 -- Roland Huntford, SCOTT and AMUNDSEN The Race to The South Pole
 -- referring to polar explorer Roald Amundsen.
%%
He had done as much for the image of our sport as Cyril Smith would
 for handgliding.
%%
...He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup
filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.  The
way it functioned was very interesting.  When the DRINK button was pressed it
made an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a
spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism and then sent tiny
experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centers of the
subject's brain to see what was likely to go down well.  However, no one knew
quite why it did this because it invariably delivered a cupful of liquid that
was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.  The Nutri-Matic was designed
and manufactured by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation whose complaints
department now covers all the major landmasses of the first three planets in
the Sirius Tau Star system.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
He had heard that one is permitted a certain latitude with widows,
 and went in for the whole 180 degrees.
%%
He had kept
The whiteness of his soul, and thus men o'er him wept.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 57
%%
"He had studied at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he had
learned to write equations of the most abstruse kind, without as much
as a tremble of the chalk.
 -- Isaac Asimov "More Things in Heaven and Earth"
%%
He had talents equal to business, and aspired no higher.
 -- Tacitus (54-119 AD)
 -- Annales, vi, 39, 17
%%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
all hope of ever behaving "normally."
 -- Hunter S. Thompson (b. 1939), journalist
 -- Fear and Loathing '72
%%
He [Hampden] had a head to contrive, a tongue to persuade, and a hand
to execute any mischief.
 -- Edward Hyde Clarendon (1608-1674)
 -- History of the Rebellion, Vol. iii, Book vii, Section 84
%%
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much.
 -- Bessie Stanley
%%
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved
much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of
intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his
niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he
found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued
soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to
express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them
the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory is a
benediction.
 -- Bessie A. Stanley (b.1879), in Notes and Queries July 1976
%%
He has a mind like a steel trap.  Some day it'll snap shut and swallow
his face.
%%
He has an oar in every man's boat, and a finger in every pie.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxii
%%
He has a splendid repertoire of 500 words.  Why does he insist
on using only 150?
 -- Abba Eban
%%
He has a train of thought.  You have a tricycle...
%%
He has done like Orbaneja, the painter of Ubeda, who, being asked
what he painted, answered, "As it may hit;" and when he had scrawled
out a misshapen cock, was forced to write underneath, in Gothic letters,
"This is a cock."
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. iii
%%
He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.
 -- Horace
%%
He has, I know not what, of greatness in his looks, and of high fate,
that almost awes me.
 -- John Dryden
%%
He has not acquired fortune; fortune has acquired him.
 -- Bion
%%
He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
He has one reliable flaw -- loyalty.
 -- Travis (on Blake)
%%
He has paid dear, very dear, for his whistle.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- The Whistle, November, 1779
%%
He has singed the beard of the king of Spain.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Dutch Picture
%%
He has spent all his life in letting down empty buckets into empty
wells; and he is frittering away his age in trying to draw them up
again.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 259
%%
He has the right to meet death awake.
"Is that a male perspective?"
Rubbish.
 -- Picard and Dr. Crusher, "The Last Outpost", stardate 41386.4
%%
He has too many lice to feel an itch.
%%
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
%%
He hated to set precedents; those who did so were sometimes promoted,
more frequently they joined their ancestors.
 -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
He hath a daily beauty in his life.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
He hath a tear for pity, and a hand
Open as day for melting charity.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 4
%%
He hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Timothy v, 8
%%
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
He hath indeed better bettered expectation.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
He hath never fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; he hath
not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
He hath out-villained villainy so far, that the rarity redeems him.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
He hath riches sufficient, who hath enough to be charitable.
 -- Sir Thomas Browne
%%
He heapeth up riches, and knoweth not
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxxix, 6
%%
He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
%%
Hehehehe, 2400 baud sucks!  V.bis and Baudhead.
%%
Hehehmhmhehmhehmhehm, 2400 baud SUCKS !
 -- Beavis & Butthead
%%
He helde about him alway, out of drede,
A world of folke.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Troilus and Creseide, Book iii, Line 1721
%%
He held his seat,--a friend to human race.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book vi, Line 18
%%
He helps others most, who shows them how to help themselves.
 -- A. P. Gouthey
%%
Heh heh heh.
%%
Heh, heh.  Those darn ninjas. They're *wacky*.
 -- The Tick
%%
Heh, heh. You betcha.
 -- Newton Ames (on behalf of the Monolithic Oil Cor
%%
He imagined the past and remembered the future.
 -- Eugene McCarthy, on Ronald Wilson Reagan
%%
He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have
 ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.
 -- Henry Fielding, "Jonathan Wild"
%%
Heinz does it with great relish.
%%
"He is a big clog in their machine."
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
He is a fool who lets slip a bird in the hand for a bird in the bush.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Garrulity
%%
He is a legend in his own mind.
 -- Ron Randall
%%
He is almost a statesman.  He lies well.
%%
He is a person for whom death would be becoming.
%%
He is as like one, as one egg is like another.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxvii
%%
He is as mad as a March hare.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
He is a sorcerer, this one!
 -- Romulan commander
%%
He is at no end of his actions blest
Whose ends will make him greatest, and not best.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
He is bound by his wealth...his money owns him rather than he owns it.
%%
He is brought as a lamb to the slaughter.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah liii, 7
%%
He is come to open
The purple testament of bleeding war.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.
%%
Heisenberg may have been here, but it is uncertain.
%%
Heisenberg may have been right.
%%
Heisenberg may have done it.
%%
Heisenberg may have slept here.
%%
Heisenberg might have done it.
%%
Heisenberg slept here, unless you look, in which case not.
%%
Heisenberg was wrong, I know exactly where I am and where I'm going.
 -- Einstein
%%
:heisenbug: /hi:'zen-buhg/ [from Heisenberg's Uncertainty
   Principle in quantum physics] n. A bug that disappears or alters
   its behavior when one attempts to probe or isolate it.  (This usage
   is not even particularly fanciful; the use of a debugger sometimes
   alters a program's operating environment significantly enough that
   buggy code, such as that which relies on the values of
   uninitialized memory, behaves quite differently.)  Antonym of
   {Bohr bug}; see also {mandelbug}, {schroedinbug}.  In C,
   nine out of ten heisenbugs result from uninitialized auto
   variables, {fandango on core} phenomena (esp. lossage related
   to corruption of the malloc {arena}) or errors that {smash
   the stack}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Heisenburg probably rules.
%%
He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower.
 -- Mary Howitt
%%
He is insane, you are ecentric, I have an interesting personality...
%%
He is nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent.
 -- Marcus Porcius Cato (234-149 BC), attributed
%%
He is never less at leisure than when at leisure.
 -- Cicero (106-43 BC)
 -- De Officiis, iii, 1
%%
He is no dummy. He is my programmer!
%%
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
%%
He is not a lover who does not love forever.
 -- Euripides
%%
He is not only dull within, but causes dullness without.
%%
He is NOT politically correct.
 -- Why Kirk is better
%%
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death
 -- H. H. Munro (1870-1916)
%%
He is one of those wise philanthropists who in a time of famine would
vote for nothing but a supply of toothpicks.
 -- Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857)
 -- Douglas Jerrold's Wit
%%
He is only fantastical that is not in fashion.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 2, Memb. 2, Subsect. 3
%%
He is poor whose expenses exceeds his income.
 -- La Bruyere
%%
He is running for Congress ... Do you know why he will be elected? Because
 all the gun owners will vote for him. Why will they vote for him? Because
 he is against any new law which will require registration of firearms. He
 claims that if there is a war, we might be invaded by Communists. And we
 will all need guns. With nuts like that in Congress, it could happen.
 -- Larry Siegel
%%
He is smart. He can make us go. We need him.
 -- Reginod, "Samaritan Snare", stardate 42779.1
%%
He is so unlucky that he runs into accidents which started out to happen to
 somebody else.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
He is the encyclopedia of facts. The creation of a thousand forests
is in one acorn; and Egypt, Greece, Rome, Gaul, Britain, America,
lie folded already in the first man.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
He is the freeman whom the truth makes free.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book v, The Winter Morning Walk, Line 733
%%
He is the half part of a blessed man,
Left to be finished by such as she;
And she a fair divided excellence,
Whose fulness of perfection lies in him.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
He is the MELBA-BEING...  the ANGEL CAKE...
  XEROX him...  XEROX him --
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
He is the most sensible looking man talking nonsense.
%%
He is the most wretched of men who has never felt adversity.
%%
"He is the Napoleon of Crime, Watson..."
 -- Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Problem"
%%
He is the very pine-apple of politeness!
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 825
%%
He is well paid that is well satisfied.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
"He Just Disappeared" by Otto Site
%%
He just kept rushing through the lovemaking. Which is the part I like, the
 beginning part. Most women are like that. We need time to warm up. Why is
 this hard for you guys to understand? You're the first people to tell us
 not to gun a cold engine. You want us to go from zero to sixty in 5.5.
 We're not built like that. We stall.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
%%
He kept him as the apple of his eye.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Deuteronomy xxxii, 10
%%
He [Kippis] might be a very clever man by nature for aught I know,
but he laid so many books upon his head that his brains could not
move.
 -- Robert Hall (1764-1831)
 -- Gregory's Life of Hall
%%
He knew
Himself to sing, and build the lofty rhyme.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 10
%%
He knew the precise psychological moment to say nothing.
%%
He knew what is what.
 -- John Skelton (c. 1460-1529)
 -- Colyn Cloute, Line 1106
%%
He knew what's what, and that's as high As metaphysics wit can fly.
 -- Meta
%%
He knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in
the depths of hell
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs ix, 18
%%
He knows not his own strength that hath not met adversity.
 -- Ben Jonson
%%
He knows not when to be silent who knows not when to speak.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 930
%%
He laid him squat as a flounder.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. xxvii
%%
He laid his hand upon "the Ocean's mane,"
And played familiar with his hoary locks.
 -- Robert Pollok (1799-1827)
 -- The Course of Time, Book iv, Line 389
%%
        He laughs best who laughs least.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Held Hostage by Italian Terrorists!: Aldo Anything
%%
Held to be a crime when committed by individuals, homicide is called a virtue
when committed by the state.
%%
He learned almost too late that man is a _feeling_ creature...
 -- Mystery Science Theatre 3000
%%
He left a corsair's name to other times,
Link'd with one virtue and a thousand crimes.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Corsair, Canto iii, Stanza 24
%%
He left a paper sealed up, wherein were found three articles as his
last will: "I owe much; I have nothing; I give the rest to the poor."
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Motteux's Life
%%
:Helen Keller mode: n. 1. State of a hardware or software system
   that is deaf, dumb, and blind, i.e., accepting no input and
   generating no output, usually due to an infinite loop or some other
   excursion into {deep space}.  (Unfair to the real Helen Keller,
   whose success at learning speech was triumphant.)  See also
   {go flatline}, {catatonic}.  2. On IBM PCs under DOS, refers
   to a specific failure mode in which a screen saver has kicked in
   over an {ill-behaved} application which bypasses the very
   interrupts the screen saver watches for activity.  Your choices are
   to try to get from the program's current state through a successful
   save-and-exit without being able to see what you're doing, or to
   re-boot the machine.  This isn't (strictly speaking) a
   crash.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What??  Science
got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
 -- Walt Kelley
%%
Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a light bulb ?
          Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control
          checkers at the Lowenbrau brewery here in the beautiful city of
          Munich where they have to carefully check that each and every
          stage of the bier brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot
          ancient brewing laws laid down in 1516 which set minimum
          standards for the purity of the ingredients otherwise they'd be
          subject to extremely enormous fines so quality control is a
          very important job both in terms of the quality of all the
          Lowenbrau biers and of course the financial good health of the
          company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops
          not forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance ?
          What we Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our bier.
%%
HELICOPTER PILOTS do it while hovering.
%%
Helicopter pilots do it with autorotation.
%%
He lies like a hedgehog rolled up the wrong way,
  Tormenting himself with his prickles.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Miss Kilmansegg, Her Dream
%%
He lifted himself up by his own bootstraps.
%%
He likes to flirt, but toward you his intentions are honorable.
%%
He lived his life to the end.
%%
He lives by rule who lives himself to please.
 -- Crabbe
%%
He lives to build, not boast, a generous race;
No tenth transmitter of a foolish face.
 -- Richard Savage (1698-1743)
 -- The Bastard, Line 7
%%
Hell and destruction are never full.
 -- Prov 27:20
%%
Hell from beneath is moved for thee to meet thee at thy coming.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xiv, 9
%%
Hell
Grew darker at their frown.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 719
%%
Hell hath no fury like a backup scorned.
 -- Dan at 5 AM
%%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
 -- Milton Friedman
%%
Hell hath no fury like a democrat scorned.
%%
Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
%%
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.
%%
Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars.
%%
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
%%
Hell hath no misery like a backup ignored.
%%
Hell Hath No Pizza.
%%
Hell hath no pizza (probably no Thai restaurants, either)
%%
Hell,I even thought I was dead.But I found out I was just in Nebraska.
 -- Little Bill,in Unforgiven
%%
Hell, if you understand everything I said, you'd be me!
 -- Miles Davis
%%
Hell is a city much like London--A populous and smoky city.
 -- PERCY BYSSHE SHELLY, 1819
%%
Hell is a half-filled auditorium.
 -- Robert Frost (1874-1963)
%%
Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are
German, the traffic patterns are Bostonian, and the cooks are English.
%%
Hell is filled with amateur musicians, all playing their ghetto blasters
 louder than the one next to them.
%%
Hell is full of good meanings and wishings.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
Hell is having a 300 baud modem.
%%
Hell is kept warm with profane burners
%%
Hell is not to love anymore.
 -- Georges Bernanos
%%
Hell is other people.
 -- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
%%
Hell is paved with good samaritans.
 -- William M. Holden
%%
Hell is truth seen too late.
 -- H. G. Adams
%%
Hell is volunteering for a PBS Pledge Drive-it's a Barney Marathon :)
%%
Hell knows no fury like a pissed off Sysop.
%%
Hellllllooooooooo, Nurse!
%%
Helllooo, BAAYYbee ... yeah, this is the Big Bopper speakin'
%%
Hell must be full....the damned are in tech support.
%%
HELL:  (n) Backing up a 600Mbyte HD with 360Kbyte floppies
%%
HELL (n): Backing up a 600 meg drive with 360K floppies.
%%
Hello again, Peabody here...
 -- Mister Peabody
%%
 Hello.  All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll
 leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time
 you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.  Thank
 you and have a pleasant day.  (This can dissuade prank and sales
 callers who don't know it's really a private line.)
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
 Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
 Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the
 week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Hello and welcome to Personality Disorder Theatre.
%%
Hello??  Anyone home??
%%
Hello.  Can I please speak to Will Dicker?
%%
Hello Colin.
%%
hello/ computer support/ my shift key doesn't seem to work. - e.e.cummings
%%
Hello dad...I'm in jail and I LIKE IT here!
%%
Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
 Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking.  If you leave
 your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
 back as soon as I can.  Please note that I answer all prayers,
 but sometimes the answer is NO.  Bless you, my child, and have a
 nice day.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello everybody, I'm Dan Quayle.
 -- Robert Redford, having grown tired of asking Dan
     Quayle to stop comparing himself to Redford
%%
Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL!
%%
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello, he lied.
 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
%%
Hello, hello, hello ... is there anybody IN there?
 Just nod if you can hear me.  Is there anyone at home?
 Come on, come on, now, I hear you're feeling down.
 But I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again.
 Relax, relax, relax ... I need some information first.
 Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?
 -- Pink Floyd
%%
Hello ... hello ... is there anyone out there??
%%
 Hello.  I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE!
 DON'T STAND ON THAT!  ...Goddamn...  Because I've invited George
 and Barbara Bush over...  (Loud music cuts in:)  BARBARA!  HEY!
 DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!  ...Over for dinner.  After the tone...
 BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...  MILLIE!  DOWN GIRL!  ...Shit...
 Leave a message after the tone...
 -- Answering machine madness - family fun
%%
Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
 Alaskan females!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello, I'm a filled polygon.
%%
Hello! I'm a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!
%%
Hello! I'm Bounder of Adventure!
%%
Hello, I'm Bucky Goldstein.
%%
 Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please
 leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Hello--I'm in a superposition of states right now, but
if you'll leave your name and number, I'll get back to you
as soon as my state collapses
 -- Answering machine madness
%%
 Hello, I'm not here right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new
 parakeet.  If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure
 to get back to you.  Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never
 try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 Hello!  I'm on a four state killing spree!  WATTA YA WANT?
 -- Answering machine madness - you're in big trouble
%%
Hello, I'm the Doctor, and this is my companion, @N@.
%%
Hello, I must be going.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
Hello. Incontinence hotline..can you hold please?
%%
Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
 World War III?  No thanks!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello, is this Rednecks For Peace?
%%
Hello, is this the party to whom I am speaking?
%%
Hello, Jane speaking.
 -- Jane
%%
Hello Jimmy Swaggart: The devil loves nothing more than the intolerance of
 reformers who do not hear their own words and whose lives reveal a serious
 deafness.
%%
Hello?  Jim Rockford's machine?  This is Larry Dooheany's
machine.  Will you please have your master call my master
at his convenience?  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
%%
Hello, just in case you were wondering the checks in the mail.  If you
weren't, then tell my wonderful answering machine just what was on your
mind.
%%
Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
 INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello Lal. How are you?
Troi...Admiral...Admiral...An Admiral from Starfleet has come to take
  me away. Troi. I am...scared.
You are scared, aren't you.
I feel it. How is this possible?
I don't know.
This is what it means to feel. This is what...means...feel.
 -- Troi and Lal, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
"Hello, Laughing Academy? Please to send zee Viggy Vagon to..."
  "Richard, please..."
 -- The elastic joker from HERO SANDWICH
%%
Hello Lone Star..
%%
Hello Luser, please wait while I dig the dungeon...
%%
Hello Luser, welcome to hack! Be careful! New moon tonight.
%%
Hello, Microsoft?  Are there any problems with DOS?
%%
Hello, Microsoft?  HEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!
%%
Hello Modem Addicts..... Do you have a BBS I can call!
%%
Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my tagline gal!
%%
Hello, my friends. You are here now watching this image of me because I
  have died. It probably happened while I was on duty, and quickly, which
  is what I expected. Never forget I died doing exactly what I wanted to
  do. What I want you to know is how much I loved my life, and those of
  you who shared it with me. You are my family, you all know where I came
  from and what my life was like before. But Starfleet took that
  frightened, angry young girl and tempered her. I have been blessed
  with your friendship, and your love.
 -- Yar, "Skin of Evil", stardate 41601.3
%%
Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
%%
Hello. My $NAME is Indigo Montoya. You killed -9 my parent process.
Prepare to vi.
 -- The Unix's Bride
%%
Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya.  You killed my father. Prepare to die.
 -- Indigo, "The Princess Bride", movie
%%
Hello. My name is Oedipus. You are my father. Prepare to die.
%%
Hell on Earth:  Barney and Friends.
%%
HELLOOOOOOO SysOp!
%%
"Hello!  Operator!  Get me the number for 911!"
 -- The Simpsons
%%
 Hello.  (Pause.)  Hello?  (Pause.) Hello!  (Pause.)  No, it
 doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave
 a message or call me back later.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
Hello, Phone Company?  It's about my bill...
%%
:hello, sailor!: interj. Occasional West Coast equivalent of
   {hello, world}; seems to have originated at SAIL, later
   associated with the game {Zork} (which also included "hello,
   aviator" and "hello, implementor").  Originally from the
   traditional hooker's greeting to a swabbie fresh off the boat, of
   course.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hello seeker!  Now don't feel alone here in the New Age, because there's a
 seeker born every minute.
 -- The Firesign Theatre
%%
Hello, Shelly. It's over, baby. I'm coming home.
 -- The Crow.
%%
Hello stranger, who are you?
%%
Hello?  Tap tap tap...  Is this thing on?
%%
 Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY.  Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!  They say
 the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
 somewhere.  So...  Leave your name and number and tell us where
 YOU saw Elvis!
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
 Hello, this is David.  I don't live here, so if you were trying
 to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.  On the other hand,
 if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
 name and number at the tone.  I don't guarantee that one of them
 will call you back -- only that I won't.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
 Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave
 your name and number, I'll be right with you.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
Hello, this is Ed McMahon. If you are our preselected...
%%
 Hello, this is Fox FM, you're on the air.
     (or)
 Hello, you're caller number nine!
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh -- which is all the time,
since I'm omnipresent -- I listen to all the radio stations at once, including
WRCT.
 -- Radio advertisement for WRCT Radio
%%
 Hello, this is Jason's voice.  Jason's not here right now --
 hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice?  Well, believe you me,
 when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him.
 If you do too, leave them after the beep.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
 Hello, this is Jim.  Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
 right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and
 I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the
 phone right now, the resulting energy release would make
 Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.  So leave a message at
 the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component
 particles have been restored to their normal charges.
 -- Answering machine madness - science fiction
%%
 Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that
 yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life.
 After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
 informative message.  Thanks.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
 Hello.  This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone
 number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
 the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
 of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
 Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
 Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
 Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
 Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
 the Kremlin B Squash Team.  But hey, call me Mike.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
 Hello, this is Rip van Winkle.  I'm not awake to take your call
 right now.  Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
 Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a
 message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer
 and shuffle stuff around.)  OK, what would you like me to tell
 me?
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
 Hello.  This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
 depressed.  I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
 but all I get to do is answer the phone.  Life.  Don't talk to
 me about life.  Just leave your name and number after the beep.
 Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
 sounding.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just
 eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  Say,
 if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
 hold it up to the phone.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
 family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
 and whoever wins will call you right back.
 -- Answering machine madness - family fun
%%
 Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of
 Portland, Oregon.  We can't take your call at the moment, but we
 would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works
 in progress.  BEEP
 -- Answering machine madness - mainly musical theme
%%
 Hello, this is your local zoo.  Do you like animals?  We are
 experiencing severe problems with hot water.  Would you be so
 kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom
 for a shower?  (The most common response:  "Well, sure, but my
 neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle
 elephants.")
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
Hello to married men I've known.
 I'll soon have a wife and leave yours alone.
 -- Charlie, singing Go Home With Bonnie Jean, in
         Lerner's and Lowe's Brigadoon
%%
Hello?...   What?...  Yes, Jeff...  Flame them.
 -- phone conversation overheard in Peter da Silva's office
%%
Hello World !!
%%
"Hello, World!" 17 Errors, 31 Warnings....
%%
:hello, world: interj. 1. The canonical minimal test message in the
   C/UNIX universe.  2. Any of the minimal programs that emit this
   message.  Traditionally, the first program a C coder is supposed to
   write in a new environment is one that just prints "hello, world"
   to standard output (and indeed it is the first example program
   in {K&R}).  Environments that generate an unreasonably large
   executable for this trivial test or which require a {hairy}
   compiler-linker invocation to generate it are considered to
   {lose} (see {X}).  3. Greeting uttered by a hacker making an
   entrance or requesting information from anyone present.  "Hello,
   world!  Is the {VAX} back up yet?"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
 Hello...  Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas
 please, with extra cheese...  Oh, did I get the wrong number?
 Sorry about that.  (Click.)
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
 Hello.  You are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
 messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
 and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the
 office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with
 me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am
 pimento loaf, leave me a message.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
 Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of
 Enemies.  Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message
 saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where
 you'll be, and I'll be there.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
 Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
 Universe.  Please leave your message, name and number at the
 sound of the tone.  Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and
 obscenities inside the car at all times.  Enjoy your ride.
 -- Answering machine madness - science fiction
%%
 Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone
 right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya
 likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
 real slowly.  So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
 our teeth we'll get back to you.
 -- Answering machine madness - family fun
%%
Hell's afloat in lover's tears.
 -- Attributed to Dorothy Parker
%%
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this!  Do that!"  And nothing will happen.
 -- Harry S. Truman, on presidential power
%%
Hell's just had bad P.R. now where's my 1000 suntan block
%%
"Hell's not so bad, as long as you don't mind eating at Arby's."
 -- Nick Bonesteel
%%
Hell, we don't even drive trucks anymore. We drive
simple little Japanese cars with air bags. In the old
days we used to rip out the seat belts and fly through
the windshield ready for action. "Thrown from the
car." Remember that phrase in accident reports?
Always the sign of a very macho driver.
 -- Denis Leary from "Are you Man enough?"
%%
HELL WITH JUSTICE, LYNCH THE @#$%^&!
%%
Hell with Pascal and C.  I am a QuickBasic Snob.
%%
Hell with the lid off...BYTE BROTHERS!
%%
Hell, yes I'm drunk! I'm no stunt driver!
 -- Seen on the back of a Ford Laser
%%
Helmsman, USS Crazy Horse
%%
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
%%
He looks good ... mighty good!
 -- Mr. Horse
%%
He looks good with a ripped shirt.
 -- Why Kirk is better
%%
He looks like the first husband of a widow.
%%
Help A Derelict Democrat Get A New Job On Nov 12
%%
Help Al Gore buy a clue.
%%
Help ALL SysOps save $$$$$$, Route Your Posts.
%%
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
 remember you when he is in trouble again.
%%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%%
Help Bill Clinton buy a clue.
%%
Help conserve material today, wear a mini!
%%
Help Conserve the Earth - Promote Space Colonization
%%
Help cure dreaded Computer Addiction, send software.
%%
Help decrease moderator unemployment....Post Off-Topic
%%
>HELP!!!!
>
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
>
>            AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
try getting all six sides to match.  That might work.
%%
>}HELP!!!!
>}
>}Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>}some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>}it.
>Bah! That's a piece o' cake...
>I just can't figure out this damned 4x4x4x4 Rubik's HyperCube...!!!!!!
     Gee, you guys are all way ahead of me!  I'm still here trying to figure
out the 4x1x1 Rubik's String.
%%
}HELP!!!!
}
}Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
}some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
}it.

Bah! That's a piece o' cake...

I just can't figure out this damned 4x4x4x4 Rubik's HyperCube...!!!!!!
 -- Jim Jagielski [e-mail]
%%
>HELP!!!!
>
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
I've heard rumors to the effect that the 'cube' is actually a massive
practical joke designed to make everyone with an IQ of less than 100
embarass themselves in public.

I couldn't solve it either. I gave up.
 -- John M. Hughes datalog.com!moondog!jmh
%%
>HELP!!!!

>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
With a screwdriver you can pop the cube apart and put it back
together correctly in about 5 minutes
%%
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
%%
Help fight against a cure for nymphomania.
%%
Help fight continental drift.
%%
"Help!  Help!  I'm being repressed!"
 -- Monty Python "Holy Grail"
%%
Help! Help! I'm stuck between Probert and McSorely!
%%
Help, he said, is giving part of yourself to somebody who
comes to accept it willingly and needs it badly.
 -- Norman Maclean
             _A River Runs Through It_
%%
HELP: Hinder Everyone with Little Productivity
%%
Help! I am a prisoner in a Tagline Factory
%%
Help! I can't type with this strait jacket on!
%%
Help! I'd dial 911 but can't find the eleven on the dial.
%%
Help! I have tagophobia!
%%
Help! I hit the power switch and it didn't die.
%%
Help! I'm addicted to taglines!
%%
Help! I'm a rock!
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
Help! I'm a turtle and I can't get up.
%%
Help! I'm being held captive by my modem!
%%
HELP, I'm being held prisoner by this BBS.
%%
HELP, I'm being held prisoner by this Tagline Conference.
%%
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
%%
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a tagline factory!
%%
Help! I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
%%
Help! I'm modeming ... and I can't hang up!!!
%%
Help  I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
%%
Help! I'm sleeping and can't wake up
%%
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
%%
Help, I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory
and the owner is a sex machine!
%%
Help! I'm Trapped in an old computer!!!
%%
Help! I'm trapped in a town without a deli!
%%
Help! I'm trapped in this compu<#| Error: file deleted.
%%
Help . . . I need someBODY!!!
%%
Helping one another with simple chores, watching over each others
homes, sharing needs like food and firewood, simple fellowship. These
things make for true community spirit.
 -- Conrad Meinecke
%%
HELP! I screwed up my girlfriend's Computer!
%%
Help! I think I'm melting!  This is all your fault, Bob!
%%
Help! I've been possessed by a UNIX daemon!
%%
Help! I've been stuck in here for years and years...
%%
Help! I've crashed and I can't boot up!
%%
Help. I've descended and I can't get oop!
%%
HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up!  (Nice carpet!)
%%
Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my BEER !!!
%%
Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my hockey stick!
%%
Help! I've fallen and I can't reach the puck!
%%
Help! I've fallen and I can't SHEZ up.
%%
Help! I've fallen off line and can't hang-up!
%%
Help! I've fallen on the floor and I'm rolling!
%%
Help! I've got a cat in my lap and I can't get up!
%%
Help! I've lost my taglines and I can't be witty!
%%
Help! I've plummeted to my death and I can't get up!
%%
Help! I've tripped and I can't come down!
%%
Help make the world a happier place, torture Barney to death.
%%
Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HELPMATE, n.  A wife, or bitter half.

    "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?"
        Says the priest.  "Since the time 'o yer wooin'
    She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at --
        For it's naught ye are ever doin'."

    "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies,
        And no sign of contrition envices;
    "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
        For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"
                                                         Marley Wottel
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Help me, Bob Morgan. You're my only hope.
%%
Help me, Cassius, or I sink!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
"Help me, Dave. I can't run under Windows ... Dave!"
 -- Hal 9000
%%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%%
Help me. I'm a victim of Gynomisandromania.
%%
Help me. I'm a victim of the heartbreak of satyriasis.
%%
Help me! I'm rusting!!!  Rusting!!!
%%
Help Me! I've Fallen, Spock, And I Can't Beam Up!
%%
Help Me Macro Through the Night
%%
HELP ME!  MY BRAIN!!! I JUST DROPPED IT! AAARRGGGGHHH!
%%
Help me Obi Wan. You're my only hope.
%%
Help me quick!  Someone must have turned reality back on.
%%
Help me, somebody, help me!
How the mighty have fallen.
 -- Q and Guinan, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
Help me!! The apples are chaseing me??
%%
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.
%%
HELP!!! Mommy and Daddy are ruining the country!
 -- Chelsea Clinton
%%
Help Mr. Wizard!
 -- Tennessee Tuxedo
%%
Help! My computer is holding me prisoner...
%%
HELP! My hard drive crashed and I can't boot up.
%%
Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
%%
Help,,,my (S)ex drive just crashed!!!
%%
Help! my toilet roll has no instructions....
%%
HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
 -- e. e. cummings
%%
HELP!! PaPa Smurf In My CPU Died...
%%
HELP! Protect America's children, soil, and water today.
%%
Help reduce junk mail. Send personal messages
%%
Help Ross Perot buy a clue.
%%
Help! Save my walrus!
%%
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
%%
Help stamp out entropy!
%%
Help stamp out flaming ducks.
%%
Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
%%
Help stamp out lite beer.
%%
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
%%
Help stamp out philatelists.
%%
Help stampout 'smart mouthed' Sysops!
%%
Help stamp out the rumor that the Pope uses bowling shoes made of woven
 parsley leaves. Of course, in stamping out something of this nature, you
 may START something!
%%
Help Stop Overpopulation!  Become Gay Today!
%%
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
%%
Help the economy today...Go out and Buy something!
%%
HELP!!! THE PARANOIDS ARE AFTER ME !!!
%%
Help the poor. Send money to 024/19805/000.0, BESCL.
%%
Help!  There's a cow in my esophagus!
%%
Help! The Smurfs in my HD just went on Strike
%%
Help thyself, and God will help thee.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
Help thyself, and God will help thee.
 -- J. de La Fontaine (1621-1695)
 -- Book vi, Fable 18
%%
HELP: Type 'No Help Available'
%%
Help us raise money to fight ... CRIPPLEWARE.
%%
Help wanted- must be kindergarten graduate.
%%
Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.
%%
He made him a hut, wherein he did put
The carcass of Robinson Crusoe.
  O poor Robinson Crusoe!
 -- Samuel Foote (1720-1777)
 -- The Mayor of Garratt, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
He made it a part of his religion never to say grace to his meat.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Tale of a Tub, Sect. xi
%%
He made no friend who never made a foe.
%%
He made one of Antipater's recommendation a judge; and perceiving
afterwards that his hair and beard were coloured, he removed him,
saying, "I could not think one that was faithless in his hair could
be trusty in his deeds."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Philip
%%
He makes a solitude, and calls it--peace!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Bride of Abydos, Canto ii, Stanza 20
%%
He makes sweet music with th' enamell'd stones,
Giving a gentle kiss to every sedge
He overtaketh in his pilgrimage.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the
still waters.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxiii, 2
%%
He maketh the deep to boil like a pot.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xli, 31
%%
He married me for my tag lines.
%%
He may be a spy, but he is not a coward.
That only proves he's intelligent.
 -- Klag and Kargan, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
He may look like a clown, but here is the soul of a leader.
%%
He means well, he just can't help cutting down all those trees.
 -- RCAF
%%
"He means well" is useless unless he does well.
 -- Plautus
%%
HEM: Hide Evidence of Malfunction
%%
Hemingway's remarks are not literature.
 -- Gertrude Stein
%%
Hemingway was a jerk.
 -- Harold Robbins
%%
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
%%
Hemmoroids:  A pain in the    )*(
%%
He [Moliere] pleases all the world, but cannot please himself.
 -- Nicholas Boileau-Despreaux (1636-1711)
 -- Satire 2
%%
Hemoplugs: small pieces of toilet paper applied to shaving wounds.
%%
"Hemorrhaging Brain" :
peppermint schnapps in a shot or martini glass with *VERY* cold
Bailey's Irish Cream poured *slowly* onto top (for the brain effect).
And a dash of Grenadine. Really gross looking but very tasty!
%%
He mourns the dead who lives as they desire.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night ii, Line 24
%%
He mouths a sentence as curs mouth a bone.
 -- Charles Churchill (1731-1764)
 -- The Rosciad, Line 322
%%
HEMP, n.  A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of
neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open
air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
He multiplieth words without knowledge.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxv, 16
%%
He must be heard--and also seen; for if he played
behind the scenes a great deal of the poetry of his playing
would be lost.
 -- Robert Schumann (1810-1856), Neue Zeitschrift, On Franz Liszt
%%
He must have made a macro of my signature.
%%
He must needes goe whom the devill doth drive.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. vii
%%
He must needs go that the devil drives.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), All 's Well that Ends Well
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Henceforth the majesty of God revere;
Fear Him, and you have nothing else to fear.
 -- James Fordyce (1720-1796)
 -- Answer to a Gentleman who apologized to the Author for Swearing
%%
Hence, horrible shadow!
Unreal mockery, hence!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
    Hence no force however great can stretch a cord however
fine into an horizontal line which is accurately straight:
there will always be a bending downwards.
 -- William Whewell
%%
Hence these tears.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act i, Sc. 1, 99, (126.)
%%
Hence, ye profane! I hate ye all,
Both the great vulgar and the small.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- Horace, Book iii, Ode 1
%%
He ne'er is crown'd
With immortality, who fears to follow
Where airy voices lead.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Endymion, Book ii
%%
He NEVER said "Abandon Ship! All hands abandon Ship!
 -- Why Kirk is better
%%
He no play-a da game.  He no make-a da rules!
 -- On the pope and birth control
%%
He nothing common did, or mean,
Upon that memorable scene.
 -- Andrew Marvell (1620-1678)
 -- Upon Cromwell's return from Ireland
%%
Henry James had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.
 -- T. S. Eliot
%%
Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I every met.
 -- William Faulkner
%%
'Henry Kissinger Is Really My Father,' Admits Clint Eastwood.
%%
Henry the VIII had it right!
%%
Henry VIII's servants first served tennis-balls.
%%
[e-mail] (Henry Spencer) wrote:
>The trouble is that getdate() is relatively
>costly and Geoff is reluctant to run it on every single article

...and then all sorts of people started coming up with rube goldberg
schemes to avoid parsing dates.  However, it turns out that even using
C news's getdate (which is 10% slower than the B news version), parsing
the dates in every article in a full Usenet feed takes about five Sun 3
CPU seconds per day.  And if you were to use the lex-based date parser
included in the MH distribution, you could get it down below a second
per day, although it hardly seems worth the (minimal) effort.

 -- Jef Poskanzer ([e-mail])
%%
HEO: Halt and Execute Operator
%%
He owned the biggest brussels sprout farm in East McKeesport. Well, he
 didn't start out to have the biggest brussels sprout farm. It's just that
 his cabbages never made it.
 -- Donna Jean Young
%%
He paid me a compliment. He said I looked like a breath of spring. Well, he
 didn't use them words. He said I looked like the end of a hard winter.
 -- Minnie Pearl
%%
He pass'd the flaming bounds of place and time:
The living throne, the sapphire blaze,
Where angels tremble while they gaze,
He saw; but blasted with excess of light,
Closed his eyes in endless night.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Progress of Poesy, III, 2, Line 4
%%
Hepaticocholecystostcholecystenterostomy
%%
He play'd an ancient ditty long since mute,
In Provence call'd "La belle dame sans mercy."
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- The Eve of St. Agnes, Stanza 33
%%
He played a mean guitar ... loved to drive in his Jag-u-ar
%%
He played a Sanity card! AARRGGH!
%%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
 John Mason Brown, drama critic
%%
He [Pliny the Elder] used to say that "no book was so bad but some
good might be got out of it."
 -- Pliny the Younger (61-105 AD)
 -- Letters, Book iii, Letter v, 10
%%
"He'p me!  Somebody, pleez, he'p me!  I been hypmotize'!"
 -- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
He possessed a peculiar talent of producing effect in whatever he said or did.
 -- Tacitus (54-119 AD)
 -- Historiae, ii, 80
%%
He preferred an honest man that wooed his daughter, before a rich
man. "I would rather," said Themistocles, "have a man that wants money
than money that wants a man."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Themistocles
%%
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
 inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd
 like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection
 to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess
 I should call AL PACINO!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
He probably types in Esperanto on his Dvorak keyboard...
%%
He putteth down one and setteth up another.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm lxxv, 7
%%
Heraclitus says that Pittacus, when he had got Alcaeus into his power,
released him, saying, "Forgiveness is better than revenge."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pittacus, iii
%%
Her air, her manners, all who saw admir'd;
Courteous though coy, and gentle though retir'd;
The joy of youth and health her eyes display'd,
And ease of heart her every look convey'd.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- The Parish Register, Part ii, Marriages
%%
He rais'd a mortal to the skies,
She drew an angel down.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Alexander's Feast, Line 169
%%
He ran for the curb, but I bagged him before he made it.
%%
Her angels face,
As the great eye of heaven, shyned bright,
And made a sunshine in the shady place.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book i, Canto iii, St. 4
%%
Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
%%
Her beauty makes
This vault a feasting presence full of light.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Her berth was of the wombe of morning dew,
And her conception of the joyous Prime.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book iii, Canto vi, St. 3
%%
Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.
%%
Herbs, and other country messes,
Which the neat-handed Phillis dresses.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- L'Allegro, Line 85
%%
Her cap, far whiter than the driven snow,
Emblems right meet of decency does yield.
 -- William Shenstone (1714-1763)
 -- The Schoolmistress, Stanza 6
%%
Her children arise up and call her blessed.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxxi, 28
%%
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
%%
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
%%
He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in
 India. So he sent his kid there.
 -- Red Buttons
%%
He reads much;
He is a great observer, and he looks
Quite through the deeds of men.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Hereafter I'll be able to understand everything, taking all on trust.
 -- Tristan Corbiere
%%
Hereafter, in a better world than this,
I shall desire more love and knowledge of you.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
He *really* needs a girlfriend.
%%
Here are a few of the unpleasant'st words
That ever blotted paper!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Here are my categories, with examples (his):
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Here are sands, ignoble things,
Dropt from the ruined sides of kings.
 -- Francis Beaumont (1586-1616)
 -- On the Tombs of Westminster Abbey
%%
Here are the young men, a weight on their shoulders
 Here are the young men, but where have they been?
 We knocked on the doors of Hell's darker chambers
 Pushed to the limit, we dragged ourselves in.
 -- Joy Division "Decades"
%%
Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian.
%%
Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian...but only the brave get
scalped.
%%
Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
 President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
Here at the quiet limit of the world.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Tithonus
%%
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Come, ye Disconsolate
%%
Here Bunny, Bunny, Bunny...
%%
He reckoneth without his Hostesse.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), Page 84
%%
Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are
called fools.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
Here comes Mr. Bill's dog.
 -- Narrator, Saturday Night Live
%%
Here comes the lady! O, so light a foot
Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 6
%%
Here Come The Lizards, Here Come The Lizards, Here Come The Lizards.
%%
Hereditary bondsmen! know ye not,
Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow?
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto ii, Stanza 76
%%
Hereditary - Opposite of Thereditary.
%%
Heredity is important: We should be careful in choosing our grandparents
%%
Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.
%%
Heredity is what makes parents look at their teenage children and
question each other.
 -- Barbara Adams
%%
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teen-ager wondering about each other.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
Heredity runs in our family.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
Heredity: Something every Father tends to believe, until his son starts
 acting like an idiot.
%%
Here does someone come up with I said anything like that from?
%%
Here Fido! Fetch! Get the stick Fido... Stick... Stupid Dog.
%%
Here. Have a jelly baby.
 -- Doctor Who
%%
Here he comes -- here comes Speed Racer -- he's a demon on wheels
%%
HERE HE GOES AGAIN!
THE FIRE IS COMING!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES OR FACE A GRULING DEATH
IN THE PLANET PLUTO!!! FIRE!!!!
%%
Here I am again at the penitentiary of insanity and stress.
%%
Here I am again - back in uncertainty.
%%
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
 my urine sample bottles..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be
 when I grow up.
 -- Peter Drucker
%%
..  here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
 anywhere!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here I and sorrows sit;
Here is my throne, bid kings come bow to it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
 "Here I Come!" by R. U. Reddy
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
 I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies
 At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
 So I stay at home with a book.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
Here in the body pent,
  Absent from Him I roam,
Yet nightly pitch my moving tent
  A day's march nearer home.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- At Home in Heaven
%%
Here I run, to steal the secret of the sun.
%%
Here is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are
concerned with the fate of the project:
"Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon."
 -- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle
%%
Here is bread, which strengthens man's heart, and therefore called
the staff of life.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Psalm civ
%%
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
%%
Here I sit, in a tizzy - all my favorite boards are busy.
%%
Here is my fist, please run towards it very fast.
%%
Here I stand; I can do no otherwise. God help me. Amen!
 -- Martin Luther (1483-1546)
 -- Speech at the Diet of Worms
%%
Here is the beginning of philosophy: a recognition of the conflicts
between men, a search for their cause, a condemnation of mere opinion,
and the discovery of a standard of judgment.
 -- Epictetus
%%
Here is the devil-and-all to pay.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap. x
%%
        Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
   The words Coca-Cola translate into Chinese as either
(depending on the inflection) wax-fattened mare or bite the wax
tadpole.
 Bite the wax tadpole.
 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
             The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
%%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  Nope, this isn't
it, he'd say.    Bring some more.    This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
 -- Dave Barry, Pornography
%%
Here is the whole set! a character dead at every word.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- School for Scandal, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Here is the world, sound as a nut, perfect, not the smallest piece
of chaos left, never a stitch nor an end, not a mark of haste, or
botching, or second thought; but the theory of the world is a thing
of shreds and patches.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1845)
%%
Here kitty, kitty!!...
 -- Alf
%%
Here kitty, kitty ... play with this nice electrical cord!
%%
Here lies a toppled god;
His fall was not a small one.
We did but build his pedestal--
A narrow and a tall one.
 -- TLEILAXU EPIGRAM, Frank Herbert, Dune Messiah
%%
Here lies Bob... He lived his dream.
%%
Here lies Irvin S. Cobb, not that it makes any difference.
 -- Written on grave
%%
Here lies James Quinn. Deign, reader, to be taught,
Whate'er thy strength of body, force of thought,
In Nature's happiest mould however cast,
To this complexion thou must come at last.
 -- David Garrick (1716-1779)
 -- Epitaph on Quinn, Murphy's Life of Garrick, Vol. ii, p. 38
%%
Here lies Madonna. Necrophiliacs welcome.
%%
Here lies Nolly Goldsmith, for shortness called Noll,
Who wrote like an angel, and talk'd like poor Poll.
 -- David Garrick (1716-1779)
 -- Impromptu Epitaph on Goldsmith
%%
Here lies Nunnally Johnson. If I don't come back, go right ahead without
 me.
 -- Written on grave
%%
Here lies one whose name was writ in water.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
%%
Here lies our sovereign lord the king,
  Whose word no man relies on;
He never says a foolish thing,
  Nor ever does a wise one.
 -- Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)
 -- Written on the Bedchamber Door of Charles II
%%
Here lies the body of Harry Hershfield. If not, notify Ginsberg & Company,
 Undertakers, at once.
 -- Written on grave
%%
Here little critter...SMACK!...poor little critter...
%%
        Here, make yourself at home.
          --Naw, that's OK.   I don't want to stick to anything.
 -- Caddyshack
%%
Here pigs will fly, lightning will strike twice,
hell will freeeze over, and eventually,
things will get really interesting...
%%
Here rests his head upon the lap of earth,
  A youth to fortune and to fame unknown:
Fair Science frown'd not on his humble birth,
  And Melancholy mark'd him for her own.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Epitaph
%%
Here's a floppy with a tar of a compressed cpio archive... and they say Unix
 is hard to use...
 -- Karl
%%
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all
 covered with leeches.  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?"  (Because
 leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the
ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around,
like you're going to fall in.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First, take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect
any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin,
and take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
garbage guy.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a
 nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics.  Then,
if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and
go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Here's a letter from Mrs. Jerome Whatsis from West Jesus, North Dakota. She
 says, "Dear Sir: I don't know what I would do without satire. When my
 husband is home sick in bed and my children are screaming for food and
 there's no money, I thank God there is such a thing as satire ... "Well,
 this is only one of the influences of satire. We all know how much satire
 did to stop the rise of Hitler in Germany in 1931.
 -- Anthony Holl
%%
Here's an amazing story. A man in Orlando, Florida, was hit by eight cars
 in a row and only one stopped. The first seven drivers thought he was a
 lawyer. The eighth was a lawyer.
 -- Jay Leno
%%
"Here's another worry. It's not as bad as exams, but it's
still a worry. Nuclear War."
 -- Rick Brouwer
%%
Here's a partial score: Alabama 21...
%%
Here's a partial score: Florida State 32...
%%
Here's a piece of late news. Mr. Arthur Perkiss, the man who this week won
 five hundred thousand pounds on the pools, has announced that he will never
 work another day in his life. So he's staying on with British Rail.
 -- Ronnie Corbett
%%
Here's a quarter, Call 1-800-CRY-BABY!
%%
Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.
%%
Here 's a sigh to those who love me,
  And a smile to those who hate;
And whatever sky 's above me,
  Here 's a heart for every fate.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- To Thomas Moore
%%
Here's a tagline you have never seen before!
%%
Here's bunch for you to replace them...
%%
Here Skugg lies snug
As a bug in a rug.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Letter to Miss Georgiana Shipley, September, 1772
%%
Here's lookin' at you kid.
 -- Nick
%%
Here 's metal more attractive.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
"Here's on for you. What's an 8 letter word for 'Love?'"

"Moisture"
 -- From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor"
%%
Here's Pus In Your Eye: Lance Boyle
%%
Here's some mistake tags for you.
%%
Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a Headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
 -- Comedian Jay Leno
%%
Here stands Tony Randall. I am not going to take this lying down.
 -- Written on grave
%%
Here 's that which is too weak to be a sinner,--honest water, which
ne'er left man i' the mire.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

      * Governmental offices
        * Post offices
        * Libraries
   * Schools
     * Banks
       * Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
 -- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live
%%
"Here's to good friends
Tonight is kinda stupid
The beer we'll pour
Is something we'll ignore somehow...
So tonight, tonight,
Let it be Lowbrau."

"Lowbrau, the beer for those times when you just don't feel
sophisticated."
%%
Here's to health, here's to wealth; may you never
 doubt yourself .. just another ordinary man.
(Triumph)
%%
Here's to me and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter;
I'll be true as long as you,
And not a minute after.
 -- Irish Toast
%%
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
%%
Here 's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
  Here 's to the widow of fifty;
Here 's to the flaunting, extravagant quean,
  And here 's to the housewife that 's thrifty!
        Let the toast pass;
        Drink to the lass;
I 'll warrant she 'll prove an excuse for the glass.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- School for Scandal, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Here's to the pencil pushers, may they all get lead poisoning
 -- Bob Hoskins in Who Framed Roger Rabbit
%%
Here's to women.
Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Here Strange ain't Strange!!! It Normal!!
%%
"Here's what I know," said the physicist.  "If we lived in a microscopic
 world, trucks would crash into walls, fly apart and then reassemble
 perfectly on the other side of the wall.  This has been proven."
%%
Heresy lays foundations for progress.
%%
Here Tag! C'mon Tag! Good Tag. Good boy!
%%
Here the free spirit of mankind, at length,
Throws its last fetters off; and who shall place
A limit to the giant's unchained strength,
Or curb his swiftness in the forward race?
 -- William Cullen Bryant (1794-1878)
 -- The Ages, xxxiii
%%
Here the heart
May give a useful lesson to the head,
And Learning wiser grow without his books.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book vi, Winter Walk at Noon, Line 85
%%
Here, there........and everywhere......
%%
Here thou, great Anna! whom three realms obey,
Dost sometimes counsel take--and sometimes tea.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto iii, Line 7
%%
Here today, dawn tommorow.
%%
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
%%
Here was a type of the true elder race,
And one of Plutarch's men talked with us face to face.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Ode at the Harvard Commemoration, July 21, 1865
%%
Here we are...born to be kings, we're the Filkers of the Fidonet!!!
%%
Here we are in America...  when do we collect unemployment?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here we are in Canada...when do we collect unemployment?
%%
Here we are now!  Entertain us!
%%
Here we will stand!
Then here you will die.
 -- Gosheven and Data, "The Ensigns of Command", stardate unknown
%%
Here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
Here ya are pilgrim. Skin that 'un, and I'll go getcha another'n.
%%
Her eyes are homes of silent prayer.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xxxii, Stanza 1
%%
Her eyes the glow-worm lend thee,
The shooting-stars attend thee;
  And the elves also,
  Whose little eyes glow
Like the sparks of fire, befriend thee.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- The Night Piece to Julia
%%
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
%%
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
%%
Here, you go first, you're immune to bullets.
%%
Here you would know and enjoy what posterity will say of Washington.
For a thousand leagues have nearly the same effect with a thousand
years.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Letter to Washington, March 5, 1780
%%
Her face is like the milky way i' the sky,--
A meeting of gentle lights without a name.
 -- Sir John Suckling (1609-1641)
 -- Brennoralt, Act iii
%%
Her face was like an April morn, Clad in a wint'ry cloud; And clay-cold
was her lily hand, That held her sable shroud.
 -- Mallet
%%
Her father loved me; oft invited me;
Still question'd me the story of my life,
From year to year, the battles, sieges, fortunes,
That I have passed.
I ran it through, even from my boyish days,
To the very moment that he bade me tell it:
Wherein I spake of most disastrous chances,
Of moving accidents by flood and field,
Of hair-breadth 'scapes i' the imminent deadly breach,
Of being taken by the insolent foe
And sold to slavery, of my redemption thence
And portance in my travels' history;
Wherein of antres vast and deserts idle,
Rough quarries, rocks and hills whose heads touch heaven,
It was my hint to speak,--such was the process;
And of the Cannibals that each other eat,
The Anthropophagi, and men whose heads
Do grow beneath their shoulders. This to hear
Would Desdemona seriously incline.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Her feet beneath her petticoat
Like little mice stole in and out,
  As if they feared the light;
But oh, she dances such a way!
No sun upon an Easter-day
  Is half so fine a sight.
 -- Sir John Suckling (1609-1641)
 -- Ballad upon a Wedding
%%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
 yak.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
%%
Her heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%%
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
%%
Her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!
%%
Her legs went from here to here... Here smile went from here to here... Her
tongue went from here to where?
%%
Her lies my wife, let her rest She is peaceful and quiet and its best For
 when she is not talking and such I am able to enjoy the day very much If
 she will stay here, let her be If you disturb her, you'll see.
%%
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
 -- Lou Reed
%%
Her lips are roses overwashed with dew.
 -- Greene
%%
Her lips were red, and one was thin;
Compared with that was next her chin,--
Some bee had stung it newly.
 -- Sir John Suckling (1609-1641)
 -- Ballad upon a Wedding
%%
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she hasn't got a lot to say.
%%
Her manners had not that repose
  Which stamps the caste of Vere de Vere.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Lady Clara Vere de Vere, Stanza 5
%%
Her memory is truly random-access.
%%
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
%%
HERMIT, n.  A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hermits do it alone.
%%
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
%%
Her name is Aphrodite, and she rides a crimson shell;
 and you know you cannot leave her, for you touched the distant sand;
 with tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured,
 by the Sirens sweetly singing...
 -- "Tales of Brave Ulysses", Disraeli Gears Cream
%%
Hernia: Middle of a womans leg.
%%
He rode upon a cherub, and did fly: yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xviii, 10
%%
Heroes as great have died, and yet shall fall.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xv, Line 157
%%
Hero for Hire - Snappy Comebacks upon Request.
%%
    Heroics can be costly and involve some degree of personal danger for the
participating wizard. But for the truly resourceful magician, this does not
have to be! Consider the advantages of long-distance magic, by which you may
gain all the publicity value and save all the expense. But, you say, don't
heroes have to be present at the battle? For the properly prepared mage,
nothing could be more heroic than a well-timed combination of printed
handbills, subtly placed rumor, and perhaps a brief personal appearance tour.
Still expensive? Nonsense! Do you know how much a heroic wizard can charge for
personal appearances?
 -- Ebenezum The Wizard's Handy Pocket Guide To Everyday Wizardry
%%
Heroic, stoic Cato, the sententious,
Who lent his lady to his friend Hortensius.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto vi, Stanza 7
%%

"Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two
first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first
a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman.
 -- From the Nevada Morning Transcript of February 15, 1861
%%
Heroism is endurance for one moment more.
 -- George F. Kennan
%%
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that
goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Heroism- the divine relation which in all times unites a great men
to other men.
 -- Carlyle
%%
He rolls it under his tongue as a sweet morsel.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 --  Commentaries, Psalm xxxvi
%%
hero loop: aerial maneuver performed by a valiant climber.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Herostratus lives that burnt the temple of Diana; he is almost lost
that built it.
 -- Sir Thomas Browne (1605-1682)
 -- Dedication to Urn-Burial, Chap. v
%%
Her own mother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible
 suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house.
 -- James Thurber
%%
Hero-worship: Idol gossip.
%%
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
%%
Her pretty feet, like snails, did creep
  A little out, and then,
As if they played at bo-peep,
  Did soon draw in again.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- To Mistress Susanna Southwell
%%
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
%%
HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.
%%
Her silent course advance
With inoffensive pace, that spinning sleeps
On her soft axle.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 163
%%
HERS, pron.  His.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Her stature tall,--I hate a dumpy woman.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 61
%%
Her suffering ended with the day,
  Yet lived she at its close,
And breathed the long, long night away
  In statue-like repose.
 -- James Aldrich (1810-1856)
 -- A Death-Bed
%%
Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
%%
Her tears her only eloquence.
 -- Rogers
%%
Her that ruled the rost in the kitchen.
 -- Thomas Heywood (c. 1574-1641)
 -- History of Women (ed. 1624), Page 286
%%
Her tires are a little low.
%%
Her track, where'er the goddess roves,
Glory pursue, and gen'rous shame,
Th' unconquerable mind,
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Progress of Poesy, II, 2, Line 10
%%
Hertz, Don't It?: Lisa Carr
%%
He ruleth all the roste.
 -- John Skelton (c. 1460-1529)
 -- Why Come ye not to Courte, Line 198
%%
He rush'd into the field, and foremost fighting fell.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 23
%%
Her virtue and the conscience of her worth,
That would be woo'd, and not unsought be won.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book viii, Line 502
%%
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
%%
Her voice was ever soft,
Gentle, and low,--an excellent thing in woman.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs iii, 17
%%
Her wit was more than man, her innocence a child.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Elegy on Mrs. Killegrew, Line 70
%%
"He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind
 we're looking for.  This man is an I.R.S. agent."
 -- The Badger, Ham and a Van Helsing pig stalk vampires, in "Badger"
%%
He's a couple of diskettes short of a full backup.
%%
He's a Democrat because he's too poor to be Republican.
%%
He's a few cards short of a deck.
%%
He's a few transistors short of a Pentium...
%%
He's a few warp coils short of lightspeed.
%%
"   ", he said blankly.
%%
He said "ENQ?".  "NAK!", she replied.
%%
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses,
crooked cards and straight whisky.
%%
He said that in his whole life he most repented of three things: one
was that he had trusted a secret to a woman; another, that he went
by water when he might have gone by land; the third, that he had remained
one whole day without doing any business of moment.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Marcus Cato
%%
He said that men ought to remember those friends who were absent as
well as those who were present.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Thales, ix
%%
He said that there was one only good, namely, knowledge; and one only
evil, namely, ignorance.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Socrates, xiv
%%
He said they that were serious in ridiculous matters would be ridiculous
in serious affairs.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Roman Apophthegms, Cato the Elder
%%
He's alive but unconscious, just like Gerald Ford.
%%
He's alive, Jim. Should I shoot him again?
%%
He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?
%%
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy.....
%%
He's a man out there in the blue,
ridin' on a smile and a shoeshine...
a salesman has got to dream, boys.
 -- Arthur Miller
%%
He's a potato Jim, Let's gouge out all of his eyes
%%
He's a protocol or two shy of a stack
%%
He's a punishment that's waiting for a suitable crime.
 -- Ed GardnerEd Gardner
%%
He's a real big gun - of small caliber and immense bore.
%%
He 's armed without that 's innocent within.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Epistle i, Book i, Line 94
%%
He's a self-made man ... the living proof of the horrors of unskilled
 labor!
 -- Ed Wynn
%%
He's as innocent as a newBorg baby.
%%
He's a SOB -- but at least he's *our* SOB.
%%
He's as strong as an ox! Can't you smell him?
%%
He 's a sure card.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Spanish Friar, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
He's a tragic figure in a paisley shirt
%%
He's a trash-culture king on a four-color throne
%%
He's a virtual genius.  He's just swapped out right now.
%%
He saw her charming, but he saw not half
The charms her downcast modesty conceal'd.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Seasons, Autumn, Line 229
%%
He's a wild man. Get out of here.
%%
    He saw the crowd and thought of the waves moving through
them, breaking into white, swallowing foam.  The small figures
dimly sensed the eddies of the waves as paradox, as riddle,
and heard the tick of time without knowing what they sensed,
and clung to their linear illusions of past and future, of
progression, of their opening births and yawning deaths to
come...  And he thought of Markham and his mother and all
these uncountable people, never loosening their grip on their
hopes, and their strange human sense, their last illusion,
that no matter how the days moved through them, there always
remained the pulse of things coming, the sense that even now
there was yet still time.
 -- Gregory Benford, Timescape
%%
He says, 'Aha! A solution exists!' and goes back to sleep.
%%
He says a thousand pleasant things, but never "Adieu."
%%
He say's he's the property of Bob, a resident of these parts.
%%
He says there are several Bobs approaching from the southeast.
%%
He's bluffing. He wouldn't shoot the nose.
%%
He's braindead, Jim.
%%
He's Contagious!: Lucas Measles
%%
He's dead?  I thought he was imitating Al Gore.
%%
He's dead, Jim! But he's a Vulcan; he'll snap out of it.
%%
He's DEAD, Jim. Get his ears.
 -- Spock
%%
He's dead, Jim! Go to Sick Bay and get the Maggot Master!
%%
He's dead, Jim! Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet!
%%
He's dead, Jim! Grab his tricorder. I'll get his watch.
%%
He's dead, Jim! Grab his wallet.
%%
He's dead, Jim! Hey, get away from the body, Ensign Dahmer!
%%
He's dead, Jim! I get his tricorder, you take his wallet.
%%
He's dead, Jim! I know Bones I've seen the script.
%%
He's dead, Jim! Just like your career.
%%
He's dead, Jim! Kick him if you don't believe me.
%%
He's dead, Jim.
 -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
%%
He's dead, Jim! Tell the Klingons that dinner is served.
%%
He's dead, Jim! Thats 10 this week already.
%%
He's DEAD, Jim. You get his teeth.
 -- "Bones" McCoy, DDS
%%
He's dead, Jim! You get his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
%%
He's dead, Jim! You take his phaser and I'll get his wallet.
%%
He's diagnosable.
%%
He's different from me.  I'm 64 and he's 41.  And that's good, that's
positive.
 -- President George Bush, referring to Dan Quayle
%%
He's dim, Jed.
%%
He seems so near, and yet so far.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xcvii, Stanza 6
%%
He seems to be a bit wispy of the grey matter.
%%
"He seems to think that posterity is a pack-horse, always ready to be loaded."
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
He sees that this great roundabout
The world, with all its motley rout,
  Church, army, physic, law,
Its customs and its businesses,
Is no concern at all of his,
  And says--what says he?--Caw.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Jackdaw, (Translation from Vincent Bourne)
%%
He's either dead or just very sleepy.
%%
He sells contact lenses for a cubist world.
%%
He serves me most who serves his country best.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book x, Line 201
%%
He's fighting fire with fire and flirting with death.
%%
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet."
 -- Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
%%
He 's gone, and who knows how he may report
Thy words by adding fuel to the flame?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Samson Agonistes, Line 1350
%%
He's got a magnet.  Everybody BACKUP!
%%
He's got a magnet! Everybody stand back!
%%
He's got a watch with a minute hand, millennium hand, and an eon hand.
%%
He's got a wonderful head for money. There's this long slit on the top.
 -- David Frost
%%
He's got 'droid rot.  He's waving a banana in front of my face and
calling it a female aardvark
 -- Rimmer in Red Dwarf 'Camille'
%%
He shall be buried with the burial of an ass.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Jeremiah xxii, 19
%%
He shall come down like rain upon the mown grass.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm lxxii, 6
%%
He shall return no more to his house, neither shall his place know
him any more.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job vii, 10; cf. xvi, 22
%%
He shall rule them with a rod of iron.
 -- New Testament
 -- Revelation ii, 27
%%
He shoots, He Scores!!!
 -- Hockey can be like sex
%%
He should be most proud that the PMRC wants to put their obscene
lyrics sticker on his `Jazz From Hell' -- which is an instrumental
album.
 -- Tony Shepps
%%
He signed you, Bill.  Now you're a law!
%%
He sinks into thy depths with bubbling groan,
Without a grave, unknell'd, uncoffin'd, and unknown.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 179
%%
... hesitation ... is an hereditary trait of your species, and
   suddenly faced by the unknown, or imminent danger, a human will
  invariably experience a split second of indecision.  He hesitates.
 -- Spock, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
%%
Hesitation is the best cure for anger.
 -- Seneca the Younger (c. 4 B.C. - 65 A.D.)
%%
He's Jim, Dad
 -- McCoy Intros his CO to his family.
%%
He sleeps well who knows not that he sleeps ill.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 77
%%
He slimed me.
 -- Dr. Peter (Bill Murray) Vennkman
%%
He's mad. He's mad! He's madder than mad Jack McMad, winner of last
  year's Mr Madman competition.
 -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
He's making a fortune out of the things. People are smoking them...
  building houses out of them...they'll be _eating_ them next...
Stranger things have happened...
Well, exactly.
..That horse becoming Pope...
For one.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato
%%
He smelleth the battle afar off.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxix, 25
%%
He smoked a big cigar and drove a Caddilac car.....
%%
He's mostly dead Jim. Get Miracle Max!
%%
He smote them hip and thigh.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Judges v, xv, 8
%%
He smote the rock of the national resources, and abundant streams
of revenue gushed forth. He touched the dead corpse of Public Credit,
and it sprung upon its feet.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Speech on Hamilton, March 10, 1831, p. 200
%%
He's not a politician.  He's just ethically challenged.
%%
He's not dead, Jim! He's just metabolically challenged.
%%
He's not dead, Jim! He's metaphysically challanged.
%%
He's not dumb; he knows what he's doing.   He's done that for years ...
 he's learned that if the dream's big enough, the facts don't count.
 -- Billy Florence, on the value of dreambuilding
%%
He's not 'ere, Bruce. Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.
%%
He's not exactly operating on all thrusters.
%%
He's not going anywhere Lieutenant.
 -- Dr. Crusher to Worf about a Romulan, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
He's not just an experimentalist. He's an antitheorist!
%%
He's not running on all thrusters!
 -- McCoy to Kirk, "ST IV:The Voyate Home," stardate 8390
%%
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
%%
He's not the Messiah, he's a very Naughty Boy
 -- Brian's Mum
%%
He's not very attractive, but I will have him.
 -- Vekma about Riker, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
He's off-topic. Send him to....THE COMFY CHAIR!!!
%%
"He's our leader!  The wisest of us all!  At least,
 that's what my parents always say."
 -- Just another misguided super-ape from BLUE DEVIL
%%
He spent his last shilling on a purse.
%%
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
%%
He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.
 -- H.H. Munro
%%
He's so dense, light bends around him.
%%
He's so hypocritical he pirates on-line Bible programs.
%%
He's so nervous that he wears a seat belt in a drive-in movie.
 -- Neil Simon
%%
He's so old he gets winded playing checkers.
 -- Ed Wynn
%%
He's so old his blood type was discontinued.
 -- Bill Dana
%%
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money
 up front.
 -- Milton Berle
%%
He's spending a year dead for tax purposes.
 -- Hotblack Desiato's bodyguard
%%
He's still standing in that familiar upright position.
%%
He's surfing in New Mexico.
%%
He's tanned, rested and ready... NIXON '96!
%%
"He started to count to ten.  He was desperately worried that one day sentient
life forms would forget how to do this.  Only by counting could humans
demonstrate their independence of computers."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
He's that most dangerous of creatures: a clever sheep.
%%
He's the devil in him!
 -- Conner's girlfriend.
%%
He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
%%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ...
with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
%%
He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ...
%%
He stood beside a cottage lone
  And listened to a lute,
One summer's eve, when the breeze was gone,
  And the nightingale was mute.
 -- Thomas K. Hervey (1799-1859)
 -- The Devil's Progress
%%
He stopped on a dime; unfortunately the dime was in Mr. Rococo's pocket.
%%
He 's tough, ma'am,--tough is J. B.; tough and devilish sly.
 -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
 -- Dombey and Son, Chap. vii
%%
He's without doubt the greatest sweeper in the world, I'd say, at a guess.
%%
He's worth a thousand machukas, easy!
%%
He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job v, 13
%%
He talked with more claret than clarity.
 -- Susan Ertz.
%%
He talks to farts, man!
 -- Magic Nose Goblin
%%
He taught us drawing, stretching, and fainting in coils.
%%
Heterosexual sex: 2 hours pleasure for lifetime of responsibility
%%
He that converses not, knows nothing.
 -- Thomas Fuller
%%
He that despairs, degrades the Deity, and seems to intimate, that
He is insufficient, or not just to his word; and in vain hath read
the Scriptures, the world and man.
 -- Feltham
%%
He that dies in extreme old age will be reduced to the same state
with him that is cut down untimely.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 33
%%
He that dies pays all debts.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
He that drinks fast, pays slow.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He that falls in love with himself, will have no rivals.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He that falls into sin is a man; that grieves at it may be a saint;
that boasteth of it is a devil.
 -- Fuller
%%
He that feareth is a slave, were he never so rich, were he never so
powerful. But he that is without fear is king of all the world.
 -- E. R. Eddison, The Worm Ouroboros
%%
He that fears not the future may enjoy the present.
%%
He that fights and runs away will live to fight another day.
%%
He that goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
He that goes far to marry, will either deceive or be deceived.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He that had neyther been kith nor kin
  Might have seen a full fayre sight.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Guy of Gisborne
%%
He that has a white horse, and a fair woman, is never without trouble.
%%
He that has many friends, has no friends.
%%
He that has no patience has nothing at all.
%%
He that has patience may compass anything.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book iv, Chap. xlviii
%%
He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard
is less than a man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
He that hath a trade, hath an estate.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.
 -- New Testament
 -- Mark iv, 9
%%
He that hath knowledge spareth his words.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvii, 27
%%
He that hath love in his breast hath spurs in his sides.
 -- Herbert
%%
He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xix, 17
%%
He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for
they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Marriage and Single Life
%%
He that holds fast the golden mean,
And lives contentedly between
  The little and the great,
Feels not the wants that pinch the poor,
Nor plagues that haunt the rich man's door.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Translation of Horace, Book ii, Ode x
%%
He that I am reading seems always to have the most force.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. xii, Apology for Raimond Sebond
%%
He that is down needs fear no fall.
 -- John Bunyan (1628-1688)
 -- The Author's Way of sending forth his Second Part of the Pilgrim, Part ii
%%
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
%%
He that is not with me is against me.
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke xi, 23
%%
He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xv, 15
%%
He that is robb'd, not wanting what is stolen,
Let him not know 't, and he 's not robb'd at all.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth
his spirit than he that taketh a city.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvi, 32
%%
He that is strucken blind cannot forget
The precious treasure of his eyesight lost.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
He that is surety for a stranger shall smart for it.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xi, 15
%%
He that is without sin among you has been bored
for a lllllooooonnnnnggggg time.
 -- Munroe's Dictum
%%
He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.
 -- Jesus Christ
%%
He that keeps another man's dog, shall have nothing left him, but the line.
 -- Proverb
%%
He that knows nothing, doubts nothing.
%%
He that knows not what the world is, knows not where he is himself.
He that knows not for what he was made, knows not what he is nor what
the world is.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, viii, 52
%%
He that lacks time to mourn, lacks time to mend.
Eternity mourns that. 'T is an ill cure
For life's worst ills, to have no time to feel them.
Where sorrow 's held intrusive and turned out,
There wisdom will not enter, nor true power,
Nor aught that dignifies humanity.
 -- Sir Henry Taylor (1800-?)
 -- Philip Van Artevelde, Part i, Act i, Sc. 5
%%
He that leaveth nothing to Chance will do
few things ill, but he will do very few things.
 -- George, Lord Halifax
%%
He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He that lives on hope has but a slender diet.
%%
He that lives upon Hope dies farting.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
He that loses hope may part with anything.
 -- Congreve
%%
He that loves a rosy cheek,
  Or a coral lip admires,
Or from star-like eyes doth seek
  Fuel to maintain his fires,--
As old Time makes these decay,
So his flames must waste away.
 -- Thomas Carew (1589-1639)
 -- Disdain Returned
%%
He that loves the tree, loves the branch.
 -- Proverb
%%
He that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxviii, 20
%%
He that never changed any of his opinions never corrected any of
his mistakes; and he who was never wise enough to find out any mistakes
in himself will not be charitable enough to excuse mistakes in others.
%%
He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the
clouds shall not reap.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes xi, 4
%%
He that pays for work before it's done, has but a pennyworth for two pence.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
He that pities another, remembers himself.
%%
He that plants thorns must never expect to gather roses.
 -- Pilpay (or Bidpai)
 -- The Ignorant Physician, Chap. iii, Fable viii
%%
He that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xvii, 9
%%
He that riseth late is not campaigning in New York today.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
He that scattereth thorns must not go barefoot.
 -- Thomas Fuller, English physician and writer
%%
He that sips of many arts, drinks of none.
 -- Fulton
%%
He that spareth his rod hateth his son.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xiii, 24
%%
He that spends all his life in sport is like one who wears nothing
but fringes and eats nothing but sauces.
 -- Fuller
%%
He that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xv, 4
%%
He that toucheth pitch shall be defiled therewith.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus xiii, 1
%%
He that uses many words for the explaining any subject, doth like
the cuttlefish, hide himself for the most part in his own ink.
 -- Ray
%%
He that waits upon another's trencher, makes many a little dinner.
 -- Proverb
%%
He that wants money, means, and content is without three good friends.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
He that will have no books but those that are scarce, evinces about
as correct a taste in literature as he would do in friendship, who
would have no friends but those whom all the rest of the world have
sent to coventry.
 -- Colton
%%
He that will keep a monkey should pay for the glasses he breaks.
 -- Seldon
%%
He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils, for time
is the greatest innovator.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose the command
of his actions.
%%
He that will not when he may,
When he would he shall have nay.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. iii
%%
He that would have a cake out of the wheat must tarry the grinding.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from
oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that
will reach to himself.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
He that would not when he might,
  He shall not when he wolda.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- The Friar of Orders Gray
%%
He that would the daughter win,
Must with the mother first begin.
 -- English Proverb
%%
He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill.
Our antagonist is our helper.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France, Vol. iii, p. 453
%%
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%%
He thinks he could easily win your heart.
%%
"He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived."
 -- Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda
%%
He thought a glacier was a bloke who fixed windows.
 -- Rimmer
%%
He thought as a sage, though he felt as a man.
 -- James Beattie (1735-1803)
 -- The Hermit
%%
"He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
   Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
   A Hippopotamus:
'If this should stay to dine,' he said,
      'There won't be much for us.'"
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%%
"He thought he saw a Buffalo
  Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
    His sister's husband's niece.
'Unless you leave this house,' he said,
        'I'll send for the Police!'"
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%%
He thought he saw an albatross, that fluttered round the lamp....
%%
He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again
and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
%%
"He thought he saw an Elephant,
       That practiced on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
  A letter from his wife.
'At length I realize,' he said,
      'The bitterness of life!'"
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%%
"He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
      That questioned him in Greek,
He looked again and found it was
       The Middle of Next Week.
'The one thing I regret,' he said,
  'Is that it cannot speak!'"
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%%
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
%%
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!"
 -- CBS baseball announcer, from Wes Ono (Seattle, WA, USA)
%%
He [Tiberius] upbraided Macro, in no obscure and indirect terms, "with
forsaking the setting sun and turning to the rising."
 -- Tacitus (54-119 AD)
 -- Annales, vi, 52 (46)
%%
He told us he was going to take crime out of the streets.  He did.
 He took it into the damn White House.
%%
He took his vorpal sword in hand
 Long time the manxom foe he sought
 Till rested he by the tumtum tree
 And stood awhile in thought
 -- _Jabberwocky_, by Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson)
%%
He touch'd the tender stops of various quills,
With eager thought warbling his Doric lay.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 188
%%
He travels fastest who travels alone... but he hasn't anything to
do when he gets there.
%%
He travels the fastest who travels alone.
 -- Rudyard Kipling
%%
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me I was pregnant.
 -- Carol Leifer
%%
He tried the luxury of doing good.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- Tales of the Hall, Book iii, Boys at School
%%
He trudg'd along unknowing what he sought,
And whistled as he went, for want of thought.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Cymon and Iphigenia, Line 84
%%
He turn'd him right and round about
  Upon the Irish shore,
And gae his bridle reins a shake,
  With, "Adieu for evermore, my dear,
  And adieu for evermore."
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- A' for our Rightfu' King
%%
Heuristic devices don't tell you when to stop.
 -- The Banana Principle
%%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs, then they'd
be algorithms.
%%
He used to define justice as "a virtue of the soul distributing that
which each person deserved."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xi
%%
He used to say that it was better to have one friend of great value
than many friends who were good for nothing.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Anarcharsis, v
%%
He used to say that other men lived to eat, but that he ate to live.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Socrates, xvi
%%
He used to say that personal beauty was a better introduction than any letter;
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xi
%%
He used to teach that God is incorporeal, as Plato also asserted,
and that his providence extends over all the heavenly bodies.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xiii
%%
He (Van Basten) was lucky to not avoid getting sent off.
%%
He wales a portion with judicious care;
And "Let us worship God," he says with solemn air.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Cotter's Saturday Night
%%
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
%%
He wants a shoe horn, the kind with teeth.
%%
He was a bold man that first eat an oyster.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
He was a burning and a shining light.
 -- New Testament
 -- John v, 35
%%
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
 woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
 Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
 laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll
 be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
 -- Jonathan Swift
%%
He was a good man, and a just.
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke xxiii, 50
%%
He was a little "off" I think is the term ... One day he said to me, "I'm
 gonna fly." I said, "I believe ya can, Maynard, I've seen ya do a lot of
 wild things. I think you can fly." We went up to Willard's Bluff ...

 He Scotch-taped a hundred forty-six pigeons to his arms.

 He said, "I know I can do it ... I know I can." I said, "Don't repeat
 yourself, just do it." He was airborne for a good twenty seconds. Then some
 kid came from outta nowhere, threw a bag of popcorn in the stone quarry,
 and he bashed his brains out.
 -- Jonathan Winters
%%
He Was A Low Down, Cheap Little Punk! (YEAH PUNK!)
%%
He was a man
Of an unbounded stomach.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
He was a man, take him for all in all,
I shall not look upon his like again.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
He was a man, which, as Plato saith, is a very inconstant creature.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- On the Tranquillity of the Mind
%%
He was a man
Who stole the livery of the court of Heaven
To serve the Devil in.
 -- Robert Pollok (1799-1827)
 -- The Course of Time, Book viii, Line 616
%%
He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable.
%%
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money?
... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
in..."
 -- Stephen Wright
%%
He was an angry man, Uncle Swanny. He had printed on his grave: "What are
 you lookin' at?"
 -- Margaret Smith
%%
He was a scholar, and a ripe and good one;
Exceeding wise, fair-spoken, and persuading;
Lofty and sour to them that loved him not,
But to those men that sought him sweet as summer.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
[He was] a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked
like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
He was as sincere as a tap dancer's smile.
 -- Morey Amsterdam
%%
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
%%
He was as tough as a two dollar steak
%%
"He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other hand he had
a tremendous singing voice."
 -- Batman (movie)
%%
He was a veray parfit gentil knight.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 72
%%
He was a wight of high renowne,
  And those but of a low degree;
Itt 's pride that putts the countrye doune,
  Then take thine old cloake about thee.
 -- Thomas Percy (1728-1811)
 -- Take thy old Cloak about Thee
%%
He was a wise man who invented God.
 -- Plato
%%
He was calling me a machine, but since he undoubtably
defines himself as a human being, I shall chose to accept
that as more of a complement than anything else....
 -- Avon
%%
"He was dull in a new way, and that made many people think him GREAT."
 -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), on Thomas Grey
%%
He was ever precise in promise-keeping.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
He was exhal'd; his great Creator drew
His spirit, as the sun the morning dew.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- On the Death of a very young Gentleman
%%
He was indeed the glass
Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
  He was like a child who thinks he sees the outline of an animal in
the pebbles on a beach and immediately rearranges them here and there
until there can be no possible question.
 -- B.F. Skinner Walden Two
%%
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
%%
He was not afraid to die.  Oh, brave Sir Robin!
%%
       He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
       Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
       To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
       And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
He was not merely a chip of the old block, but the old block itself.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- On Pitt's First Speech, Feb. 26, 1781, From Wraxall's Memoirs,
 -- First Series, Vol. i, p. 342
%%
He was not of an age, but for all time.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- To the Memory of Shakespeare
%%
He wasn't exactly hostile to facts, but he was apathetic about them.
 -- Woolcott Gibbs
%%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
HAD to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
 -- Michael Cain
%%
He was once asked what a friend is, and his answer was, "One soul
abiding in two bodies."
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Aristotle, xi
%%
He was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.
%%
He was singing a song about a girl who possessed a...dicky di-do?
...Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn, isn't it.
 -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
%%
He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with.
%%
He was so good he would pour rose-water on a toad.
 -- Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857)
 -- A Charitable Man
%%
He was so lonely he couldn't eat Jell-O without fondling it first.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
%%
He was so ugly, the tide wouldn't go out with him.
%%
"He was sweet and sincere and giving and good...
 AND A CHERISHED NEIGHBOR UNDESERVING OF SUCH A FATE!!

"Nevertheless, better him than me.  Amen."
 -- Eulogy given by Banana PC Jr to Opus in "Bloom County"
%%
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's
what I hated about him.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
He was the mildest manner'd man
That ever scuttled ship or cut a throat.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iii, Stanza 41
%%
He was the nearest thing I'd seen to a human being without actually being
 one.
 -- Spike Milligan
%%
He was the Word, that spake it:
He took the bread and brake it;
And what that Word did make it,
I do believe and take it.
 -- Dr. John Donne (1573-1631)
 -- Divine Poems, On the Sacrament
%%
He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one.
 Which is either a show-business gimmick or the ultimate rejection of
 mother.
 -- Mort Sahl
%%
He wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
He wears the rose
Of youth upon him.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act iii, Sc. 13
%%
He went away with a flea in 's ear.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- Love's Cure, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
He went off in a huff. Make that a minute-and-a-huff.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating
with it.
 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
He who adds not to his learning diminishes it.
 -- The Talmud
%%
He who allows himself to be insulted, deserves to be.
 -- Pierre Corneille (1606-1684)
%%
He who allows his day to pass by without practicing generosity and
enjoying life's pleasures is like a blacksmith's bellows - he breathes
but does not live.
 -- Sanskrit Proverb
%%
He who allows oppression shares the crime.
%%
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
%%
He who ascends to mountain-tops shall find
The loftiest peaks most wrapt in clouds and snow;
He who surpasses or subdues mankind
Must look down on the hate of those below.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 45
%%
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks
democracy itself.
 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
%%
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up
plowing for those who kept their swords.
%%
He who beleives in nobody knows that he himself is not to be trusted.
%%
He who believes that calculators shouldn't be used in the classroom
because they hinder mathematical THINKING processes should not EVEN
think about owning a Mac.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
%%
He who blows at the foam in his beer is not thirsty.
 -- Talmud.
%%
        He who blows his own horn
     always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.
 -- Boucher's Observation
%%
He who boasts of an open mind may only have a vacant one.
%%
He who builds according to every man's advice
will have a crooked house.
 -- Danish proverb
%%
He who cachinnates ultimately, cachinnates optimally.
%%
He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
He who cannot agree with his enemies is controlled by them.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
He who can properly define and divide is to be considered a god.
 -- Plato
%%
He who can take advice is sometimes superior to him who can give it.
 -- Von Knebel
%%
He who can will. He who can't, will teach.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
He who carries out one good deed acquires one advocate in his own
behalf, and he who commits one transgression acquires one accuser
against himself.  Repentance and good works are like a shield against
calamity.
 -- The Talmud
%%
He who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.
%%
He who comes from the kitchen, smells of its smoke; and he who adheres
to a sect, has something of its cant; the college air pursues the
student; and dry inhumanity him who herds with literary pedants.
 -- Lavater
%%
He who conceals a useful truth is equally guilty with the propagator
of an injurious falsehood.
 -- Augustine
%%
He who covets what belongs to another deservedly loses his own.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book i, Fable 4, 1
%%
He who dares to teach must never cease to learn.
 -- John Cotton Dana, libraria (motto of Kean College of New Jersey)
%%
He who dares wins.
 -- Derek Trotter, entrepreneur U.K.
%%
He who depends on another man's table often dines late.
 -- Italian proverb
%%
He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence.
 -- William Blake
%%
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser:
 -- Nietzsche
%%
He who did well in war just earns the right
To begin doing well in peace.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Luria, Act ii
%%
He who dies with the most access, wins.
%%
He who dies with the most Ferret TAGLINES wins!
%%
He who dies with the most FRIENDS wins.
%%
He who dies with the most hardware WINS!
%%
He who dies with the most of anything, is still dead.
%%
He who dies with the most software WINS!
%%
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
%%
He who dies with the most toys LEAVES THEM ALL BEHIND.
%%
He who dies with the most toys probably dies broke.
%%
He who dies with the most Tribbles taglines wins.
%%
He who does not bellow the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the
 accomplice of liars and forgers.
 -- French philosopher Charles Peguy
%%
He who doesn't like cats doesn't like pets smarter than he.
%%
He who doesn't understand your silence won't understand your words.
%%
He who drives fat oxen should himself be fat.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
He who edits least edits best.
 -- Arnold Gingrich
%%
He who endeavors to serve, to benefit, and improve the world, is like
a swimmer, who struggles against a rapid current, in a river lashed
into angry waves by the winds.  Often they roar over his head, often
they beat him back and baffle him.  Most men yield to the stress of
the current...  Only here and there the stout, strong heart and vigorous
arms struggle on toward ultimate success.
 -- Albert Pike (1809-1891)
%%
He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors.
%%
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
 -- Balzac
%%
He who envies another admits his own inferiorities.
%%
He who fears death dies every time he thinks of it.
%%
He who fights the devil with his own weapons, must not wonder if
he finds him an overmatch.
 -- South
%%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
 damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%%
He who findeth sensuous splendor in the hot pink bodys of luscious
  damsels is not righteous.
%%
He who finds Fortune on his side should go briskly ahead, for she
is wont to favor the bold.
 -- Baltasar Gracian
%%
He who finds his foot... is seldom the one with it in his mouth.
%%
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
%%
He who flames improperly risks making an ash of himself!
 -- Jeff Klumpp ([e-mail])
%%
He who flees will fight again.
 -- Tertullian (160-240 AD)
 -- De Fuga in Persecutione, c. 10
%%
He who flies by seat of pants should not eat prunes!
%%
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
%%
He who gets too big for his britches gets exposed in the end.
 -- Wain's Conclusion
%%
He who gives up freedom for security deserves neither.
%%
He who gives while he lives
 Also knows where it goes.
 -- Percy Ross
%%
He who grown aged in this world of woe,
In deeds, not years, piercing the depths of life,
So that no wonder waits him.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 5
%%
He who has an opinion of his own, but depends on the opinion and tastes
of others is a slave.
 -- Klopstock
%%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%%
He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, and he who has
 one enemy shall meet him everywhere.
 -- Ali Ben Abu Taleb
%%
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
 -- F. Nietzsche
%%
He who has burned his mouth blows his soup.
%%
He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had.
%%
He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope has everything.
 -- Arabian Proverb
%%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%%
"He who has never hoped can never despair."
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Caesar and Cleopatra", Act IV
%%
He who has no conscience makes up by lacking it.
%%
He who has no mind to trade with the devil, should be so wise as
to keep from his shop.
 -- South
%%
He who has plenty of pepper will pepper his cabbage.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 673
%%
"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as
 to seek happiness by changing anything but his own
 disposition will waste his life in fruitless
 efforts."
 -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
 -- Giacomo Leopardi
%%
He who has the remote control, rules!!!
%%
He who has, worries; he who has not, longs.
%%
He who hates vices hates mankind.
%%
He who hath bent him o'er the dead
Ere the first day of death is fled,--
The first dark day of nothingness,
The last of danger and distress,
Before decay's effacing fingers
Have swept the lines where beauty lingers.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Giaour, Line 68
%%
He who hath many friends hath none.
 -- Aristotle
%%
He who hesitates at the wrong time is lunch for a shark.
%%
He who hesitates goes after me.
%%
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
 -- Mae West (1892-1980)
%%
He who hesitates is bossed.
%%
He who hesitates is constipated.
%%
He who hesitates is last.
%%
He who hesitates is likely to miss the bus.
%%
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several
miles from the next freeway exit.
 -- Nowlan's Theory
%%
He who hesitates is poor.
 -- Max Bialystock
%%
He who hesitates is probably right.
 -- Bogovich's Law
%%
He who hesitates is probably smart.
%%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
 -- James Thurber, writer
%%
He who hesitates is trampled by the mob.
%%
He who hesitates.........miss'es out !!!
%%
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
%%
He who hogs the joint gets stonedest
%%
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
%%
He who imitates evil always goes beyond the limits of
 the example, whereas he who imitates what is good, always falls short.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
He who invents adages for others to peruse
takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
%%
He who is bent on doing evil can never want occasion.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 459
%%
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a maso.
%%
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%%
He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
%%
He who is known as an early riser can stay in bed till noon.
%%
He who is most slow in making a promise, is the most faithful in
the performance of it.
 -- Rousseau
%%
He who is not busy being born, is busy dying.
%%
He who is not impatient is not in love.
 -- Italian Proverb
%%
He who is priceless cannot sell himself to others.
%%
He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.
 -- Bertolt Brecht
%%
He who knows does not speak, He who speaks does not know.
 -- Lao Tzu
%%
He who knows nothing, loves nothing.
He who can do nothing understands nothing.
He who understands nothing is worthless.
 -- Paracelsus
%%
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.
 -- John Stuart Mill
%%
He who knows others is clever; he who knows himself is enlightened.
 -- Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher and founder of Taoism
%%
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
 -- Lao Tsu
%%
He who laughs at a Klingon, never laughs again.
%%
He who laughs last found the dirty meaning.
%%
He who laughs last has the slowest sense of humor.
%%
He who laughs last is at 300 baud.
%%
He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.
%%
He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.
 -- Terry Cohen
%%
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
%%
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
 -- Bocklage's Law
%%
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
%%
He who laughs, lasts.
%%
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
%%
He who laughs last uses OS/2.
%%
He who learns but does not think, is lost!  He who thinks but does
not learn is in great danger.
 -- Confucius
%%
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
%%
He who lies down with dogs probably has a wife who keeps seven or more cats
 in the bedroom.
%%
He who lives by the crystal ball soon learns to eat ground glass.
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
He who lives by the Mac, dies by the IBM.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
He who lives by the Mac needs to get out more.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
%%
He who lives by the sword is a regular cut-up!
%%
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
%%
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.
%%
He who lives by the sword, will eventually be wiped out by some bastard
with a sawn off shotgun
 -- Steaddie Eddy
%%
He who lives out his days has had a long life.
 -- Lao Tzu
%%
He who lives will die.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
%%
He Who Made kittens - Put Snakes In The Grass !!
%%
He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.
%%
He who marries the Spirit of his Age, soon becomes a widower.
%%
He whom the gods favour dies in youth.
 -- Plautus (254-184 BC)
 -- Bacchides, Act iv, Sc. 7, 18, (816.)
%%
He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
 -- Samuel Smiles
%%
He who opens a school door closes a prison.
 -- Victor Hugo
%%
He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker.
%%
He who picks up one end of a stick picks up the other. He who chooses the
beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to.
 -- Henry Fosdick
%%
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
%%
He who plays with self, pulls boner.
%%
He who possesses art and science has religion; he who does not possess
them, needs religion.
 -- Goethe
%%
He who possesses most must be most afraid of loss.
%%
He who possesses the hockey stick, rules the household!
%%
He who proselytizes in the cause of unbelief is basically a man in
need of belief.
 -- Eric Hoffer
%%
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
%%
He who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for the
kingdom of winners.
%%
He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his
 son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to
 sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
%%
He who reads many fortunes gets confused.
%%
He who reasons with fools dresses in warm aspic.
%%
He who receives a good turn should never forget it; he who does one
should never remember it.
 -- Charron
%%
He who reforms himself, has done more towards reforming the public,
than a crowd of noisy, impotent patriots.
 -- Lavater
%%
He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as
surely as if he had failed.
 -- William James
%%
He who refuses to listen is lying.
%%
He who reigns within himself, and rules passions, desires and fears,
is more than a king.
 -- Milton
%%
He who rides a tiger cannot dismount.
%%
He who rides the tiger finds it difficult to get down.
%%
He who sacrifices his conscience to ambition burns a picture to obtain the
ashes.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
He who saves one life, saves the world entire.
%%
He who says disk space is free, thinks money grows on directory tree.
%%
He who sedulously attends, pointedly asks, calmly speaks, coolly answers,
and ceases when he has no more to say, is in possession of some of
the best requisites of man.
 -- Lavater
%%
He who sees only half the problem will be buried in the other half.
 -- Richard N. Farmer
%%
He who sees what comes out, and why, gains wisdom.
 -- Richard N. Farmer
%%
He whose pride oppresses the humble may, perhaps, be humbled, but
will never be humble.
 -- Lavater
%%
He who shall introduce into public affairs the principles of primitive
 Christianity will change the face of the world.
 -- Benjamin Franklin, while he was US Ambassador to France
%%
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
 -- South African Saying
%%
He who should teach men to die would at the same time teach them to live.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book i, Chap. xviii,
 -- That Men are not to judge of our Happiness till after Death
%%
 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
 -- Swipple's Rule of Order
%%
He who sits on the pinnacle of power is still sitting on his own backside
%%
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
%%
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%%
He who speaks the truth must have one foot in the stirrup.
 -- Armenian proverb
%%
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
%%
He who spends five dollars for entertainment on a truck stop parking lot is
 apt to get far more than he paid for...
%%
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket
 doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
%%
He who steals for others ends up being hanged for himself.
%%
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
%%
He who steps on others to reach the top wins.
%%
He who studies books alone will know how things ought to be; and he who studies
men will know how they are.
%%
He who talks too much commits a sin.
%%
He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes;
for he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain that one.
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
He who think by the inch,
and talk by the mile,
ought to be kicked by the foot.
%%
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked
by the foot.
%%
He who thinks he is raising a mound may only in reality be digging a
 pit
 -- Ernest Bramah
%%
He who throws mud loses ground.
%%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
 sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
 -- Howard Kandel
%%
He who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one.
 -- Japanese Proverb
%%
He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
%%
He who undertakes too much seldom succeeds.
 -- Dutch proverb
%%
He who uses an 8088 will be reincarnated as one.
%%
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
%%
He who when called upon to speak a disagreeable truth, tells it boldly
and has done, is both bolder and milder than he who nibbles in a
low voice and never ceases nibbling.
 -- Lavater
%%
He who will not risk, cannot win.
 -- John Paul Jones
%%
He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own.
 -- Confucius.
%%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
 -- M C Escher
%%
He who worships Divine Duck will soon sing swan song.
%%
He who would leap high must take a long run.
 -- Proverb
%%
He who would not be frustrate of his hope to write well hereafter
in laudable things ought himself to be a true poem.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Apology for Smectymnuus
%%
He who would prove all life, leaves it empty. To know the way of everything
is to be left with the geometry of things and with the substance of
nothing. To reduce the world to an equation is to leave it without
head or feet.
 -- Leopold Alas Y Urena (1852-1901)
 -- The Cock of Socrates (1901)
%%
He will give the devil his due.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
He will hold thee, when his passion shall have spent its novel force,
Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Locksley Hall, Line 49
%%
He will laugh thee to scorn.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiasticus xiii, 7
%%
Hewlett Packard does it with precision.
%%
He works for that import-outport bank.
%%
He would be the finer gentleman that should leave the world without
having tasted of lying or pretence of any sort, or of wantonness or
conceit.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, ix, 2
%%
He would not, with a peremptory tone,
Assert the nose upon his face his own.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Conversation, Line 121
%%
He would personally throw Wesley off the bridge.
 -- Why Kirk is better
%%
He wrecked his car, he lost his job. And yet throughout his life, he took
 his troubles like a man; he blamed them on his wife.
 -- Frank Connors
%%
He writes his plays for the ages- the ages between five and twelve.
 -- George Jean Nathan
%%
:hexadecimal:: n. Base 16.  Coined in the early 1960s to replace
   earlier `sexadecimal', which was too racy and amusing for stuffy
   IBM, and later adopted by the rest of the industry.

   Actually, neither term is etymologically pure.  If we take
   `binary' to be paradigmatic, the most etymologically correct
   term for base 10, for example, is `denary', which comes from
   `deni' (ten at a time, ten each), a Latin `distributive'
   number; the corresponding term for base-16 would be something like
   `sendenary'.  `Decimal' is from an ordinal number; the
   corresponding prefix for 6 would imply something like
   `sextidecimal'.  The `sexa-' prefix is Latin but incorrect in
   this context, and `hexa-' is Greek.  The word `octal' is
   similarly incorrect; a correct form would be `octaval' (to go
   with decimal), or `octonary' (to go with binary).  If anyone ever
   implements a base-3 computer, computer scientists will be faced
   with the unprecedented dilemma of a choice between two
   *correct* forms; both `ternary' and `trinary' have a
   claim to this throne.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hex, bugs, and rock-n-roll
%%
Hex Dump: Place for witches to get rid of used curses
%%
:hexit: /hek'sit/ n. A hexadecimal digit (0--9, and A--F or a--f).
   Used by people who claim that there are only *ten* digits,
   dammit; sixteen-fingered human beings are rather rare, despite what
   some keyboard designs might seem to imply (see {space-cadet
   keyboard}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hex math would be easier if I had 16 fingers.
%%
:hex: n. 1. Short for {{hexadecimal}}, base 16.  2. A 6-pack
   of anything (compare {quad}, sense 2).  Neither usage has
   anything to do with {magic} or {black art}, though the pun is
   appreciated and occasionally used by hackers.  True story: As a
   joke, some hackers once offered some surplus ICs for sale to be
   worn as protective amulets against hostile magic.  The chips were,
   of course, hex inverters.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hex Tag: 47 65 74 20 61 20 6c 69 66 65 2c 20 67 65 65 6b.
%%
Hey! $3000 ringside ticket!  Pentium vs. PowerPC!!  COD only!
%%
Hey, a tagline's only got so much room.
%%
Hey Attillary, what did Eleanor's ghost "advise" you to do today?
%%
Hey-AY!! Take it easy, Ralphie-boy!!
 -- Ed Norton
%%
Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Hey babe I would love to hang around here and chat, but if I don't
score soon I will miss my bus.
%%
Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Hey babe, wanna see the Captain's log?
%%
Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper??
 -- Pick up line
%%
Hey baby...infect me
 -- Pick up line.
%%
Hey baby, it's getting late, I think I'm in the mood.
 -- Rush.
%%
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
 -- Pick up line
%%
Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light!
 -- Second City Players
%%
Hey, Beavis and Butt-head, I'm NOT laughing.
%%
Hey Beavis, would you skate with him? huh huh huh
%%
Hey Beer Man! Two down here!
%%
Hey, Bill! Castro just dissed you, homey! You too dumb to notice?
%%
Hey, Bill! Do us a favor and have an affair with Lorena Bobbit!
%%
Hey, Bill! North Korea just dissed you, homey! You too dumb to notice?
%%
Hey Bob! Wanna see my Pee-Wee' Herman impression?
%%
Hey Boo Boo!
%%
Hey buddy... Got any spare cache?
%%
"Hey buddy, wanta go look for UFO's?"
 -- Marshall to Simon, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana
%%
Hey, Captain! I just created a black ho}].<c3.NO CRUSHER
%%
Hey Cat, get off that..! -NO CARRIER-
%%
"Hey Charlie, what's that noise?"
     "I dunno -- must be SKYLAB!"
 -- Dogs In Space
%%
Hey, check out this neat spell from the Necronomicon: "Shaddu yu^$$$#NO
%%
Hey Chris!  Glad you were the one to stea----ummm, borrow them!
%%
HEY CONGRESS! What ever happened to the Constitution?
%%
"Hey Dad, if I saved up my allowance, could I buy a monkey?"
"Of course not!"
"OK, then I won't save up."
 -- Leave It To Beaver
%%
Hey, dad, will you buy me a flame thrower?
%%
"Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!"
 -- Robocop
%%
Hey, diddle, diddle! The cat and the fiddle...
 -- Nursery rhyme
%%
Hey Diddle Diddle the cat and the Fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see so much fun and... Dr Tobias... ummmm.... errr
your really not going to believe this but.... my program documentation ran
away with the spoon.
 --  from "Orin's excuses why his programs lack documentation"
%%
Hey, Doc, got anything I can take for kleptomania?
%%
Hey, don't ask me, I'm just an Anthropomorphic Personification.
%%
HEY!  Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
%%
Hey, don't drink that poison -- it's four dollars an ounce!
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), "A Day at the Races"
%%
Hey! Don't pick up that pho+<#Abe+++t  NO CARRIER
%%
Hey, don't piss me off! I've got a BIG magnet!
%%
Hey, don't rush me!  I'm only a limb bough.  (Limbaugh)
%%
Hey! Don't shoot that postal worker <BANG!< NO  CARRIER
%%
"Hey, don't worry, I've read all about doing this sort of thing!"
 -- ...the scariest words of the afternoon
 -- Vernor Vinge
%%
Hey, do THIS in a batch!
%%
"Hey, er..." said Zaphod, "what's your name?"
The man looked at them doubtfully.
"I don't know.       Why, do you think I should have one?  It seems very odd to
give a bundle of vague sensory perceptions a name."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Hey Everybody! Dan's buying the drinks!
%%
Hey everybody! Dan's buying the hockey tickets!
%%
"Hey, Flaming Carrot!... What makes you so brave?"
  "It's my birthday.  Now get outta here!"
 -- FLAMING CARROT
%%
Hey gang! Let's all sing along with Mitch!
%%
Hey! Get back here, I'm not finished yet...
%%
"Hey, gimme five dollars!"
  "Kid, does the name Bernhard Goetz mean anything to you?"
 -- From "The American"
%%
Hey, go buy a plane ticket to another state of mind, okay?
%%
Hey, go fly a kite in an electrical storm.
%%
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
%%
Hey, Happy Halloween Cool Dudes!
                                    |\/\/\/|
                                    |      |
                                    |      |
                                    | (o)(o)
                                    C      _)
                         -.          | ,___|      .-
                     _..-'(          |   /        )`-.._
                  ./'. '||\\.       /____\       .//||` .`\.
               ./'.|'.'||||\\|..   /      \   ..|//||||`.`|.`\.
            ./'..|'.|| |||||\`````` '||||` ''''''/||||| ||.`|..`\.
          ./'.||'.|||| ||||||||||||.||||||.|||||||||||| ||||.`||.`\.
         /'|||'.|||||| ||||||||||||{||||||}|||||||||||| ||||||.`|||`\
        '.|||'.||||||| ||||||||||||{||||||}|||||||||||| |||||||.`|||.`
       '.||| ||||||||| |/'   ``\||``||||||''||/''   `\| ||||||||| |||.`
       |/' \./'     `\./         \!|\||||/|!/         \./'     `\./ `\|
       V    V         V          }' `\||/' `{          V         V    V
       `    `         `               \/               '         '    '
%%
Hey Harry, try and get *them* to read between the lines.
%%
Hey Harry, what the hell's a JAMF??
%%
Hey, hey, my, my.   Rock and roll will never die.
 There's more to the picture than meets the eye ...
 hey, hey, my, my.
 -- Neil Young
%%
Hey! ... HEY!!! ... What happened to my body?!?
%%
Hey, Homer, what should be put in the bread?    DOH!!!
%%
Hey! I don't have to put up with this!  I'm rich!
%%
Hey! I don't remember BOB.GIF being in the file directory before.
%%
Hey, I had to bring this back on-topic somehow...
%%
Hey! I hear there's a 'MODERATOR' comming soon.
%%
Hey! I just got front row tickets to a Disaster Area concert!
%%
Hey! I'm always fully asleep when I post.
%%
Hey, I'm a Man who stands by his word!
%%
Hey, I'm as much of a nonconformist as the next guy.
 -- Mike Hess
%%
Hey I'm having a party in my mouth, you wanna cum.
%%
Hey! I'm just an ignorant savage! What do you want from me?
%%
HEY! I saw you snatch one of MY opinions! PUT IT BACK OR I'LL SHOOT!!!!!
%%
Hey! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up.
%%
Hey.....it's casual.....
%%
Hey! It's Hopalong Cassidy. Oh wait...it's just Cam Neely.
%%
Hey Ivan, check your six.
 -- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail
 of a Russian Su-27
%%
Hey! I wanted The Stanley Cup!
%%
Hey, I was 'testing' it for 3 years!
%%
Hey, I write in AUTORACE.
%%
Hey, Jim, Are we there yet?
%%
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susy Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
%%
Hey, Jim, watch me pull a SYSOP out of my hat.
%%
HEY! Just go on to the next message and no one gets hurt . . .
%%
HEY KID!  Pull my finger... go ahead! * Holiday tricks for Uncles*
%%
Hey kid!  Santa isn't coming this year...I killed him!
%%
Hey kids, get a free Shoggoth in every box of Sugar Coated Cthuloops!
%%
Hey Kid!  This ain't no library!  Beat it!
%%
Hey kid.. Wanna try a BBS? The first time is free!
%%
Hey, kid! Wanna try a network?  The first call is free!
%%
Hey, kid... where's your tagline?
%%
"Hey, kid, you just saved our lives, you know that?"
"Oh, well, it was nothing really...."
"Was it?  Oh well, forget it then."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Hey la hey la! The Sysop's Back!
%%
Hey Lazlo!   Want to see a demostration of gravity?
%%
Hey, look at me, I'm a cowboy !! Howdy, howdy, howdy !!
%%
HEY LOOK, Ifixxedthat spacebarproblem. ohdarn.
%%
Hey, lookit that!  A shark wearing Bob's SCUBA gear!
%%
                           (####)
                         (#######)
                       (#########)  Hey Man -- Don't have a COW!
                      (#########)
 BART!               (#########)         /
   \                (#########)         /
    __&__          (#########)
   /     \        (#########)   |\/\/\/|     /\ /\  /\               /\
  |       |      (#########)    |      |     | V  \/  \---.    .----/  \----.
  |   (o (o)      (o)(o)(##)    |      |      \_        /       \          /
  C   .---_)    ,_C     (##)    | (o)(o)       (o)(o)  <__.   .--\ (o)(o) /__.
   | .(***     /____,   (##)    C      _)     _C         /     \     ()     /
   |  \__/       \     (#)       | ,___|     /____,   )  \      >   (C_)   <
   /_____\        |    |         |   /         \     /----'    /___\____/___
  /_____/ \       OOOOOO        /____\          ooooo             /|    |\
 /         \     /      \      /      \        /     \           /        \

%%
Hey Man, I'm   drinking wine, eating cheese and catching some rays.
 -- Donald Sutherland as Oddball, in Kelly's Heros
%%
Hey Mark stop abusing children, go abuse yourself.
%%
"Hey, Max -- Wake up!  You're missing all the fun!"
"What?"
"A seven-foot specter of evil appeared in front
of the car, so I ran over it.  Sounded like a bag
of laundry going under.  Hope I didn't hurt the
tires.  Want a fig newton?"
 -- Sam and Max, Freelance Police
%%
Hey Michael Jackson, don't forget to write.
%%
Hey Michael: Why don't ya play with Ms Bobbit for awhile?
%%
Hey, Mr. Sysop, Upgrade me or %$^&NO CARRIER
%%
Hey, my PC doesn't have a 16550 UART!
%%
Hey, my PC won't connect with anything at 9600!
%%
Hey Nancy, Mickey said to tell you to shove it.
%%
Hey, nice coat, man.  What's in the pink box?
%%
Hey Norm, how's the world treatin' you? Like a baby treats a diaper.
%%
Hey Norton.. I have a SMALL problem...
%%
Hey Odo, got any more of that Jell-O in the 'fridge?
%%
Hey Pee-Wee', Button your fly!
%%
Hey, please don't pick up that ph{{{~|z{|{ {
%%
Hey, Quaker Oates...make me some oatmeal, I'm hungry.
%%
Hey! Respect your elders. Call me Mr. Old Fart.
 -- Dick Vignoni
%%
Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull an economic plan outta my hat!
%%
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of muy hat!"
"But that trick NEVER works!"
"This time fer sure!"
%%
Hey Rocky!  Watch me pull some intelligence out of the internet!
But that trick never works.
This time for sure.
%%
Hey, Roger, does... on, on this, you know, if I'm gonna, if I, if I
decide on my gesture over there... is that all right?... You don't mind?
 -- Senator Dan Quayle asking Roger Ailes's advice
                   on a debating gesture, 10/5/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
Hey, Rush!  Since when is 15 million a majority in this country?
%%
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
"Whattaya need?"
"Oh, about $500."
"Whattaya got for collateral?"
"Whattaya need?"
"How about an eye?"
 -- Giancana [small talk]
%%
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty boys?
%%
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
%%
Hey Scouts, I know how to use a compass.  Scouts?  Scouts?!?
%%
Hey, shit happens!
%%
Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!
%%
Hey! Some fat guy stole my milk and cookies!
%%
"Hey, stewardess.  Run through that seatbelt demonstration
a few more times.  It's unbelievably tricky!"
 -- Herman
%%
Hey! Stop Playing with my memory!
%%
HEY!  Stop reading me!!!
%%
Hey STUPID! Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%%
Hey !! That lightning came clo$ CARRIER
%%
Hey, that's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.
%%
Hey! That was funny. Did you hear...
%%
Hey! That was pretty good for Rambo!
%%
Hey, there are nine Scouts. Didn't we leave for camp with ten?
%%
Hey, there goes Elvis... yo, King!
%%
HEY! There is something more important than money...
...it's called breathing.
%%
Hey there! There goes the Spiderman!
%%
Hey -- These are my own ideas, not my employer's.  Don't blame them...
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
Hey! This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
%%
Hey! This is just like the REAL world!
%%
"Hey, this is not a lending library.  If you're not going to buy that thing,
put it down or I'll blow your heads off."
 -- Apu, the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons
%%
Hey! This is not my dad's TAGLINE!!!
%%
Hey, this is terrific!  Someone down there is trying to kill us!
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Hey! This Really Works!
%%
Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?
 Umm...I don't remember!
%%
Hey Underpants, I'm talking to YOU!
%%
Hey Vanilla Ice! Meet Mr. Halite!
%%
Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!!..  you're not Clint Eastwood!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Hey, wait a minute.  This is a script!  There must be a writer around
 here somewhere."
"Ya know, I never thought of it, but there's a logic to that.  Otherwise,
 everybody'd make things up as they go along, and we'd have chaos."
 -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hey, wake up! It's time for your sleeping pills.
%%
Hey Wally!  Come look at this.
%%
Hey! Watch where you aim that thing!
%%
Hey, *we* care. Now get off the &*^@#! line!
%%
Hey, we're out of wine, women, and so$#*&^%NO MERRIER
%%
"Hey! What can possibly go wrong?"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Hey, what'll it be, mac?  Or IBM?  Or Amiga...
%%
Hey, whats that beeping noise? Wheres that smoke coming from?
%%
Hey, what's the idea?
 -- Larry
%%
Hey, what's this ALT-227 thing for?
%%
Hey, where can I get a father board?
%%
HEY!!!! Where's the bubblegum?!?!!!!
%%
Hey! Who loves ya, Baby?
 -- Telly Savalas with lollipop in mouth
%%
Hey, who spilled coffee on my keyboard?!
%%
Hey, who spilled coffee on my Tagline?
%%
Hey! Who's snorting the Dilithium Crystals???
%%
Hey, Worf..I hooked Data up thru Telix...Wanna see?
%%
Hey, Worf, I hooked Data up to a Modem... wanna see?
%%
Hey, would you bangle her? huh huh huh
%%
Hey, wow man, they've got codes for mazurkas!
%%
Hey! Ya know they're goalie-less! The Bruins bite the dust!
%%
Hey You can't park there
 Mohican to first American settlers.
%%
Hey, you got a problem buddy??!!
%%
Hey you kids,  .......get out of that Jello tree!
%%
Hey, your buffer's open...
%%
Hey! You're back!  How was the treatment program?
%%
Hey! You're Italian! What? You're Jewish? Love your nails!!!
 -- Zappa
%%
Hey, you're pretty funny, Jason. huh huh huh
%%
Hey, you're still moving... have another beer.
%%
Hey! Your Trackball is upside down!
%%
Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect?  There's a frood who really knows
where his towel is.
 -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Hey! You stole MY Tagline!  THIS MEANS WAR!
%%
HEY YOU!!!!!!!!! STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!
%%
Hey! You've been taking drugs again, haven't you?
%%
Hey, you've got a third eye!  Uh, never mind... it's just a spot of dirt
in the middle of your forehead.
%%
Hey, you've still got your health.
%%
Hey! You with the broken nose!    Play the piano!
 But I don't have a broken nose
      <S M A C K>
 Now shut up and play...
 -- Anon
%%
HF      Hide a File
%%
:h: [from SF fandom] infix. A method of `marking' common words,
   i.e., calling attention to the fact that they are being used in a
   nonstandard, ironic, or humorous way.  Originated in the fannish
   catchphrase "Bheer is the One True Ghod!" from decades ago.
   H-infix marking of `Ghod' and other words spread into the 1960s
   counterculture via underground comix, and into early hackerdom
   either from the counterculture or from SF fandom (the three
   overlapped heavily at the time).  More recently, the h infix has
   become an expected feature of benchmark names (Dhrystone,
   Rhealstone, etc.); this is prob. patterning on the original
   Whetstone (the name of a laboratory) but influenced by the
   fannish/counterculture h infix.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HGA: High Gain Antenna
%%
HGD: Halt, Get Drunk
%%
HHB: Halt and Hang Bus
%%
HHeellpp!!  II''mm  ssttuucckk  iinn  hhaallff  dduupplleexx!!
%%
HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 -- James Brown
%%
Hi.
%%
Hi2uall.
%%
hiatus valde deflendus - (pointing to the stomach)
a gap, deeply to be deplored
%%
Hiawatha a good boy once.
%%
  HIBBERT THE BUILDER (1823-1860)
    St Hibbert made it into Sainthood City by building some of the
    most impressive cathedrals of the 19th century. Unfortunately it
    was realised later that many had structural defects, and by 1910,
    they had all collapsed of their own accord. Hibbert himself died
    when his house collapsed on him during a light breeze.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
HIBERNATE, v.i.  To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.
There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of
various animals.  Many believe that the bear hibernates during the
whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.  It is
admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean
that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow.  Three or four
centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that
swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their
brooks, clinging together in globular masses.  They have apparently
been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of
the brooks.  Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation
of people who hibernate.  By some investigators, the fasting of Lent
is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to
which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was
strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not
wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
 Hi, can I speak to Mark?...  Oh, there isn't?...  I'm sorry, I
 must have dialed the wrong number.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
 drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE
%%
Hic! I'm sober as a jug.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
HICK: A person who goes to a family reunion to meet girls.
%%
Hick: looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
%%
Hi DAn - where ever you are!
%%
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
%%
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
%%
:hidden flag: [scientific computation] n. An extra option added to
   a routine without changing the calling sequence.  For example,
   instead of adding an explicit input variable to instruct a routine
   to give extra diagnostic output, the programmer might just add a
   test for some otherwise meaningless feature of the existing inputs,
   such as a negative mass.  The use of hidden flags can make a
   program very hard to debug and understand, but is all too common
   wherever programs are hacked on in a hurry.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hide and go puke.
 -- Cat Game #10
%%
Hide inside the smallest space.
 -- Cat Game #7
%%
Hide me from day's garish eye.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Il Penseroso, Line 141
%%
Hide, oh, hide those hills of snow
  Which thy frozen bosom bears,
On whose tops the pinks that grow
  Are of those that April wears!
But first set my poor heart free,
Bound in those icy chains by thee.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- The Bloody Brother, Act v, Sc. 2
%%
"Hideous creatures from other dimensions! What'll I do? What'll I DO?!"
 -- The BADGER considers an everyday problem
%%
Hide the gerbils!  Here comes Clinton's new army!
%%
"Hide the wenches and batten down the access codes... yer about to
be boarded, ye scurvy network news dogs!  Har Har..."
 -- "Bloom County"
%%
Hide wallet!!!  Computer Store ahead!!!
%%
Hiding from the Turing Police
%%
 Hi.  Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your
 regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were
 like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the
 compacted sand?  Well, sometimes I do.  Bye.
 -- Answering machine madness - miscellaneous
%%
 Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
 secret underground hideaway.  I'm afraid we're all out just now
 on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
 machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
 April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
 of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
 we'll ring you right back.  But don't say anything yet!  Enemy
 agents may be listening.  When the computer has checked they're
 not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
 speak freely.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
Hidy Ho, Kermit the Frog heeeere.
%%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,       Here lies a man with sundry flaws
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.   And numerous Sins upon his head;
                                      We buried him today because
                                   As far as we can tell, he's dead.
 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
                  Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
                   The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach, Peter
                   Schickele
%%
H:      If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
       Slice him up before he slays you.
     Nothing makes you look a slob
 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
 -- The Roguelet's ABC
%%
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by
Dropping this bomb:
`Phooey on Freud and his
Psychoanalysis --
Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
I just love Mom.'
%%
HIGH ACCURACY .............. All the directories compare
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
HIGH ACCURACY: unit on which all parts fit.
%%
:high bit: [from `high-order bit'] n. 1. The most significant
   bit in a byte.  2. By extension, the most significant part of
   something other than a data byte: "Spare me the whole {saga},
   just give me the high bit."  See also {meta bit}, {hobbit},
   {dread high-bit disease}, and compare the mainstream slang
   `bottom line'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"High characters," cries one, and he would see
Things that ne'er were, nor are, nor e'er will be.
 -- Sir John Suckling (1609-1641)
 -- The Goblins, Epilogue
%%
High Colonic:  Jewish religious holiday...
%%
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,
 because we're not ready.  But maybe they'll change their tune after a little
 torture.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Higher Brain malfunction due to lack of sleep and no coffee.
%%
High-erected thoughts seated in the heart of courtesy.
 -- Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
 -- Arcadia, Book i
%%
High expectations are the key to everything.
 -- Sam Walton
%%
High explosives and school don't mix.
%%
High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.
%%
High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead.
%%
High insurance rates are what killed dinosaurs.
%%
High Level Languages are placed on more experienced computers.
%%
:highly: [scientific computation] adv. The preferred modifier for
   overstating an understatement.  As in: `highly nonoptimal', the
   worst possible way to do something; `highly nontrivial', either
   impossible or requiring a major research project; `highly
   nonlinear', completely erratic and unpredictable; `highly
   nontechnical', drivel written for {luser}s, oversimplified to the
   point of being misleading or incorrect (compare {drool-proof
   paper}).  In other computing cultures, postfixing of {in the
   extreme} might be preferred.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
High message: 943432.  Message you last read: 59.
%%
:high moby: /hi:' mohb'ee/ n. The high half of a 512K
   {PDP-10}'s physical address space; the other half was of course
   the low moby.  This usage has been generalized in a way that has
   outlasted the {PDP-10}; for example, at the 1990 Washington D.C.
   Area Science Fiction Conclave (Disclave), when a miscommunication
   resulted in two separate wakes being held in commemoration of the
   shutdown of MIT's last {{ITS}} machines, the one on the upper
   floor was dubbed the `high moby' and the other the `low moby'.
   All parties involved {grok}ked this instantly.  See {moby}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
High on a throne of royal state, which far
Outshone the wealth of Ormus and of Ind,
Or where the gorgeous East with richest hand
Showers on her kings barbaric pearl and gold,
Satan exalted sat, by merit rais'd
To that bad eminence.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 1
%%
 "Highrise Ups and Downs" by L. E. Vader
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
High salaries equals happiness equals project success.
 -- Richard F. Moore
%%
High school diploma or equivalent required.
%%
High School Education
 -- Oxymoron
%%
High School Teacher: Teaches it because they can't do it!
%%
High tech is potent, precise, and in the end, unbeatable.  The truth is,
it reminds a lot of people of the way I pitch horseshoes.  Would you believe
some of the people?  Would you believe our dog?  Look, I want to give the
high-five symbol to high tech.
 -- George Bush,  April 25, 1989
%%
High thoughts must have high language.
 -- Aristophanes
%%
High Voltage Electronics--life's a glitch, and then you fry.
%%
Highways in worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts,
which results in low priority for repair work.
%%
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's Hand Grenades I throw!
%%
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's Nitro-9 we throw!
 -- Ace & 7 dwarves
%%
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to the institution I go!
%%
Hi ho, Hi ho, its off to work we go.
%%
Hi honey, did you miss me? With every bullet so far!
%%
Hi!  I am a disabled .signature virus.
%%
 Hi!  I can't answer the phone right now.  Bob, that's my pet
 parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb.  It wasn't lit, but I've
 got to get him to the bathroom.  Uh-oh!  (Sound of a paper bag
 exploding.)
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Hi!  I can't remember your name either.
%%
HIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA!
 -- Miss Piggy
%%
Hi! I'll be your asshole for the evening.
%%
Hi! I'm a mutating signature virus.  You can resist helping me spread!
%%
Hi I'm a tagline virus. Steal me & join in the fun.
%%
Hi, I'm a tagline.  When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!
%%
Hi! I'm Barney! Will you be my **CHOMP**
%%
Hi, I'm Chip. Micro Chip. Eight-o-four-eighty-six!
%%
Hi, I'm Chip. Micro Chip. Eight-o-three-eighty-six!
%%
Hi. I'm Hillary. Welcome to your worst nightmare.
%%
 Hi. I'm Johnny. I am five years old. I couldn't think of anything
 dirty to say, so I drew this fucking flower.
 -- Toilet graffiti written under a picture of a crudely drawn flower
%%
Hi, I'm Larry.  This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother
Darryl.
%%
Hi, I'm lsydexic.
%%
"Hi.  I'm Luther.  Dumb ol' Luther -- the happy
 sidekick.  The comedy relief. And I'm going to kill you."
 -- Luthor's cybernetic logic finally gives, in AMERICAN FLAGG!
%%
Hi, I'm Norman.  Welcome to the Bates Motel.
%%
 Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE!  When I
 get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a
 call.  If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is.  (Coughing loony
 laughter.)
 -- Answering machine madness - you're in big trouble
%%
Hi, I'm not only a Ranger, I'm also the President!
 -- Hair Club For Men ad
%%
Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
Do you have a car or a job?   Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.

Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
motto is:   'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
 -- Dave Barry, Pain and Suffering
%%
 Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
 Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke.
 -- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%%
"Hi, I'm Simon. Are you a girl or a lady?"
 -- Simon (to Melanie), "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana
%%
Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about.
%%
Hi! I'm your quote for this evening...
%%
Hi - internet = [e-mail]
%%
Hi June, how's the beaver?
%%
Hi. Just called to touch base with you guys.
 -- Dave Parker, Sage Inc.
%%
Hikers do it naturally.
%%
Hi, kids!
%%
Hi, kids!  Ed Barbera here!
%%
Hillary Clinton: America's biggest hypocrite.
%%
Hillary Clinton: America's designated hitler.
%%
Hillary Clinton: America's Eva Peron
%%
Hillary Clinton: Arkansas "rainmaker" not hotshot lawyer.
%%
Hillary Clinton honest??? BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
%%
Hillary Clinton honest?!? Don't make me laugh.
%%
Hillary Clinton in an apron is like Michael Dukakis in a tank.
%%
Hillary Clinton is a closet ditto-head!
%%
Hillary Clinton of Borg - Prepare to have your salary assimilated!
%%
Hillary Clinton: political remora.
%%
Hillary Clinton's favorite breakfast?  Shredded wheat.
%%
Hillary Clinton's favorite movie? "Mommy Dearest"
%%
Hillary Clinton's favorite movie? "Plan 9 From Outer Space"
%%
Hillary Clinton's favorite movie? "Rosemary's Baby"
%%
Hillary Clinton's favorite movie? "The Omen"
%%
Hillary Clinton's favorite song?  "If I Only Had a Heart"
%%
Hillary Clinton slept her way to the top.
%%
Hillary Clinton stars in "Plan 9 From Outer Arkansas"
%%
Hillary Clinton: the little first lady with megalomania.
%%
Hillary doesn't need a face lift, just an ego lowering.
%%
Hillary, have Yeltsin call back, I'm doing Mr. Rogers.
%%
HILLARY: (H)usband (I)s (L)ying (L)ike (A) (R)ednecked (Y)okel
%%
Hillary needs a _REAL_ man!
%%
Hillary of Borg:  Choice is irrelevant.
%%
Hillary's broom was seen fleeing Foster "suicide" scene.
%%
Hillary's follies!  OUR HEALTH!
%%
Hillary's health care plan has more holes than a tennis racket.
%%
Hillary's in charge of Bill's balls.
%%
Hillary's testoserone level is up again.
%%
Hills peep o'er hills, and Alps on Alps arise!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 32
%%
Himen.sys - I knew something was broken.
%%
Him of the western dome, whose weighty sense
Flows in fit words and heavenly eloquence.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 868
%%
Him??  Oh, he was playing leapfrog with a unicorn.....
%%
Hi, Mr. Rex! I'm Barney!...I love you...you love m.....*CHOMP!!!!*
%%
Him that makes shoes go barefoot himself.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Democritus to the Reader
%%
Him thus intent Ithuriel with his spear
Touch'd lightly; for no falsehood can endure
Touch of celestial temper.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 810
%%
Hi, my Goldfish looks just like yours!
%%
Hi, my name is Annie Key. Please don't hit me!
%%
Hi! My name is Dick and I am a vaginaholic.
%%
Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.
%%
Hi, my name is Rover. I'll paint your car yellow for free.
%%
Hinc quam sic calamus saevior ense, patet. The pen worse than the sword.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 4, Subsect. 4
%%
Hindquarters special of the day !Bring buns !
%%
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
 -- Billy Wilder
%%
Hindsight is an exact science.
 -- Fagin's Rule on Past Prediction
%%
Hindsight is usually better, depending on the hind you've sighted.
%%
Hindu to Christian:  "How many *times* have you been born-again?"
%%
:hing: // [IRC] n. Fortuitous typo for `hint', now in wide
   intentional use among players of {initgame}.  Compare
   {newsfroup}, {filk}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
hip belay: belay by an unsquare climber.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
HIPMOTIZE!!
%%
Hipness is transient. You have to change in order to be continually hip.
 -- Vinnie Colaiuta
%%
Hippo bunny two ewes!
%%
HIPPOGRIFF, n.  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hippy: a guy who looks like a jill and smells like a john.
%%
Hire a college student while he still knows everything!
%%
Hire a quality person, hire a Scout.
%%
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
%%
Hire the Handicapped, they're fun to watch!
%%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%%
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning
problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXXII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
 ----- Hiroshima '45 ----- Chernobyl '86 ----- Windows '95 -----
%%
:hirsute: adj. Occasionally used humorously as a synonym for {hairy}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
His ancient, trusty, drouthy crony;
Tam lo'ed him like a vera brither,--
They had been fou for weeks thegither.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Tam o' Shanter
%%
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
%%
His back against a rock he bore. And firmly placed his foot before; "Come
one, come all! This rock shall fly From its firm base as soon as I."
 -- Scott
%%
His bark is worse than his bite.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
His beard was as white as snow,
All flaxen was his poll.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iv, Sc. 5
%%
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
%%
His brain needs training wheels.
%%
His buffer is full.
%%
His [Burke's] imperial fancy has laid all Nature under tribute, and
has collected riches from every scene of the creation and every walk
of art.
 -- Robert Hall (1764-1831)
 -- Apology for the Freedom of the Press
%%
His cares are now all ended.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
His Christianity was muscular.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Endymion, Chap. xiv
%%
His cogitative faculties immersed
In cogibundity of cogitation.
 -- Henry Carey (1663-1743)
 -- Chrononhotonthologos, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
His deeds inimitable, like the sea
That shuts still as it opes, and leaves no tracts
Nor prints of precedent for poor men's facts.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- Bussy D'Ambois, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
%%
His elevator is stuck between floors.
%%
His enemies shall lick the dust.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm lxxii, 9
%%
His eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
 -- Edgar Allen Poe
%%
"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was
 falling outside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
%%
His eye was blue and calm, as is the sky in the serenest noon.
 -- Willis
%%
His eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Deuteronomy xxxiv, 7
%%
His face was filled with broken commandments.
%%
His face was of the doubtful kind; That wins the eye and not the mind.
 -- Scott
%%
His faith, perhaps, in some nice tenets might
Be wrong; his life, I 'm sure, was in the right.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- On the Death of Crashaw
%%
His family's got more mills than...than you've got brain cells,sir.
How many mills?
Seven, sir.
 -- Edmund and George : Amy and Amiability
%%
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
%%
"His five-year mission to seek out and explore strange new worlds, and sell
Advanced Music Substitute Systems to their restaurants, elevators, and
wine bars!"
 -- So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish
%%
H is for HasturAUGHHHmmpmpffff......
%%
His form had yet not lost
All her original brightness, nor appear'd
Less than archangel ruin'd, and th' excess
Of glory obscur'd.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 591
%%
His form was of the manliest beauty,
  His heart was kind and soft;
Faithful below he did his duty,
  But now he 's gone aloft.
 -- Charles Dibdin (1745-1814)
 -- Tom Bowling
%%
His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
money, he went to Southern California.
%%
His hair just grizzled,
As in a green old age.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Oedipus, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
HIS     Halt in Impossible State
%%
His hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis xvi, 12
%%
His head,
Not yet by time completely silver'd o'er,
Bespoke him past the bounds of freakish youth,
But strong for service still, and unimpair'd.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book ii, The Timepiece, Line 702
%%
       His head smashed in,  and his heart cut out,
       And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
       And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
       And his penis split ... and his ...
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
His head whistles in a cross wind.
%%
His heart and hand both open and both free;
For what he has he gives, what thinks he shows;
Yet gives he not till judgment guide his bounty.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Troilus and Cressida
 -- Act iv, Sc. 5
%%
His heart kep' goin' pity-pat,
  But hern went pity-Zekle.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, Second Series, The Courtin'
%%
His heart was as great as the world, but there was no room in it to
hold the memory of a wrong.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (on Abraham Lincoln)
%%
His heart was one of those which most enamour us,--
Wax to receive, and marble to retain.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Beppo, Stanza 34
%%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%%
His/Her turbolift doesn't go all the way to the bridge.
%%
His hidden meaning lies in our endeavors; our valors are our best gods.
 -- Caratach
%%
His home! the Western giant smiles,
  And twirls the spotty globe to find it;
This little speck, the British Isles?
  'T is but a freckle,--never mind it.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- A Good Time going
%%
His honour rooted in dishonour stood,
And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Idylls of the King, Launcelot and Elaine
%%
His imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich.
 -- Thomas Babington Macaulay
%%
His leaf also shall not wither.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm i, 3
%%
His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.
So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't
  keep a scrapbook on it.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
His life was gentle, and the elements
So mix'd in him, that Nature might stand up
And say to all the world, "This was a man!"
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
His locked, lettered, braw brass collar
Showed him the gentleman and scholar.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- The Twa Dogs
%%
His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice
 -- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
%%
His native home deep imag'd in his soul.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiii, Line 38
%%
His nature is too noble for the world:
He would not flatter Neptune for his trident,
Or Jove for 's power to thunder.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
His neurons must have tenure - none of them can be fired.
%%
His noble negligences teach
What others' toils despair to reach.
 -- Matthew Prior (1664-1721)
 -- Alma, Canto ii, Line 7
%%
His nose was as sharp as a pen, and a' babbled of green fields.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
His only fault is that he has no fault.
 -- Pliny the Younger (61-105 AD)
 -- Letters, Book ix, Letter xxvi, 1
%%
His own character is the arbiter of every one's fortune.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 283
%%
His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools:  the Cynics, the
Stoics and the Epicureans - and summed up all three of them in his
famous phrase, 'You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw
him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink.'
 -- Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods'
%%
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
%%
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
%%
His red right hand.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 174
%%
His religion at best is an anxious wish,--like that of Rabelais, a
great Perhaps.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Burns, Edinburgh Review, 1828
%%
His rod revers'd,
And backward mutters of dissevering power.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 816
%%
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
%%
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
%%
His spear, to equal which the tallest pine
Hewn on Norwegian hills to be the mast
Of some great ammiral were but a wand,
He walk'd with to support uneasy steps
Over the burning marle.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 292
%%
His studie was but litel on the Bible.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Canterbury Tales, Prologue, Line 440
%%
His style has the desperate jauntiness of a orchestra fiddling away
for dear life on a sinking ship.
 -- Edmund Wilson
%%
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
 -- Flaming Carrot
%%
His system administrator is never in.
%%
His time is forever, everywhere his place.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- Friendship in Absence
%%
HISTORIAN, n.  A broad-gauge gossip.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no
 one has asked them.
 -- Leo Tolstoy
%%
Historians did it.
%%
Historians do it for old times' sake.
%%
HISTORIANS do it for prosperity
%%
HISTORIANS do it over long periods of time
%%
Historians study who did it.
%%
Historians USED to do it
%%
Historically speaking, in the Middle Ages, women used cosmetics
 extensively. Even today, in the middle ages, women use cosmetics
 extensively.
%%
Historical Overdosing:
 To live in a period of time when too much seems to happen.
Major symptomes include addiction to newspapers, magazines, and TV
news broadcasts.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
"Historical reminder: always put Horace before Descartes."
 -- Donald o. Rickter
%%
Historical Slumming:
 The act of visiting locations such as diners, smokestack
industrial sites, rural villages - locations where time appears to
have been frozen many years back - so as to experience relief when one
returns "back to the present."
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Historical Underdosing:
 To live in a period of time when nothing seems to happen.
Major symptomes include addiction to newspapers, magazines, and TV
news broadcasts.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Historic responsibility has to make up for the want of legal responsibility.
Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
 -- Lord Acton (1834-1902)
 -- (John Emerich Edward Dahlberg, 1st Baron Acton)
 -- Letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton, 3 April 1887
 -- in Louise Creighton Life and Letters of Mandell Creighton (1904)
 -- vol. 1, ch. 13
%%
Histories make men wise; poets, witty; the mathematics, subtile; natural
philosophy, deep; moral, grave; logic and rhetoric, able to contend.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Studies
%%
History always repeats itself: once as tragedy, the second time as farce.
%%
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%%
 HISTORY:  Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
 present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its
 social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on
 Europe, Asia, America, and Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.
 -- Life Studies 101 (Bob Pasker <[e-mail]>)
%%
History does not record anywhere, at any time, a religion that has
any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough
to face the unknown without help. But like dandruff, most people
do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive
considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
History does not repeat itself.  Historians repeat each other.
 -- Arthur Balfour  (1848-1930)
%%
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
 -- First Rule of History
%%
History has shown us that strength may be useless when faced with
  terrorism.
 -- Picard, "The High Ground", stardate 43510.7
%%
History has the relation to truth that theology
 has to religion -- i.e., none to speak of.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
[History] hath triumphed over time, which besides it nothing but eternity
hath triumphed over.
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- Historie of the World, Preface
%%
History is a collection of agreed upon lies.
 -- Voltaire
%%
History is a lie commonly agreed upon.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
History is always written wrong, and so always needs to be rewritten.
 ...What is interesting is brought forward as if it had been central
and efficacious in the march of events, and harmonies are turned into
causes.
Kings and generals are endowed with motives appropriate to what the
historian values in their actions; plans are imputed to them prophetic
of their actual achievements, while the thoughts that really preoccupied
them remain buried in absolute oblivion.
 -- George Santayana, The Life of Reason:  Reason in Science, 1918
%%
History is a nightmare from which we are trying to awaken.
 -- James Joyce
%%
History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions.
 -- Ted Koppel
%%
History is bunk.
 -- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
%%
History is curious stuff
You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
They make more of it every year.
%%
History is little else than a picture of human crimes and misfortunes.
 -- Francis M. Voltaire (1694-1778)
 -- L'Ingenu, Chap. x, (1767.)
%%
"History is made at night.  Character is what you are in the dark."
 -- Doctor Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin in "Buckaroo Banzai"
%%
History is only a confused heap of facts.
 -- Philip Dormer Stanhope, 4th Earl of chesterfield (1694-1773)
 -- Letter to his son, Feburary 5th, 1750
%%
History is the science of what never happens twice.
 -- Valery's Law
%%
History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.
 -- Leonard Louis Levinson
%%
History is the version of past events that people have decided to
  agree upon.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
%%
HISTORY.LIE Virus Detected - Run FEMINIZT.BAT !
%%
HISTORY
  Look, there's no point dwelling on the past, okay? What's done is
  done. It's much better left forgotten. No-one wants to know about
  adolescent foolishness these days, do they? Just leads to
  embarrassment in later life. After all, the damage wasn't all that
  bad, and the RSPCA said they wouldn't press charges. So just forget
  it. (And actually, I reckon the hippopotamus kinda liked it.)
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
HISTORY, n.  An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,
which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly
fools.

    Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown
    'Tis nine-tenths lying.  Faith, I wish 'twere known,
    Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
    Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.
                                                           Salder Bupp
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HISTORY:  Oldest program ever.
%%
History proves nothing.
 -- Bill Gray
%%
History records no more gallant struggle
than that of humanity against the truth.
%%
History repeats itself.
%%
History repeats itself because almost nobody listens.
%%
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with
history.
 -- Darrow's Comment on History
%%
History shows that money will multiply in volume and divide in value
over the long run. Or expressed differently, the purchasing power
of currency will vary inversely with the magnitude of the public debt.
 -- William H. Peterson
%%
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another. Truly the imago
state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every molt is a step gained.
 -- Charles Darwin, Origin of the Species
%%
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they
have exhausted all other alternatives.
 -- Abba Eban
%%
History tends to exaggerate.
 -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
%%
History - the mistakes that we cannot avoid in the future.
%%
History will absolve me.
 -- Fidel Castro (1926-), Declaration at his trial, July uprising, 1953
%%
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
History, with all her volumes vast,
Hath but one page.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 108
%%
His toupee makes him look twenty years sillier.
 -- Bill Dana
%%
His tribe were God Almighty's gentlemen.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Absalom and Achitophel, Part i, Line 645
%%
His very foot has music in 't
  As he comes up the stairs.
 -- W. J. Mickle (1734-1788)
 -- The Mariner's Wife
%%
His wife hurt herself making dinner yesterday - frostbite.
%%
His wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis xiv, 26
%%
His wit invites you by his looks to come,
But when you knock, it never is at home.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Conversation, Line 303
%%
His words, like so many nimble and airy servitors, trip about him at command.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Apology for Smectymnuus
%%
His zeal was hollow; his sermons were like students' songs imperfectly
recalled by a senile don.
 -- John Rae
%%
Hit and key to continue.........EXCEPT THAT ONE!!
%%
Hit and run means never having to say you're sorry.
%%
Hit any key to continue... F ... Not THAT one, stupid!
%%
Hit any key?  Where's the any key?
 -- DOS user
%%
Hit any user to continue.
%%
Hit at the girl whenever possible.
 -- Bill Tilden (on how to play mixed doubles)
%%
Hither, as to their fountain, other stars
Repairing, in their golden urns draw light.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book vii, Line 364
%%
Hi there I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge
you?
 -- Pick up line
%%
Hi there!  this is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just
great, guys, and I know I'm going to get a bundle of kicks out of any
program you care to run tthrough me.
 -- Eddie, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
 Hi there.  This is Joe speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a
 moment, I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and
 number and I'll be thinking about it...
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%%
Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further; and here shall thy proud
waves be stayed.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxxviii, 11
%%
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name
and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the
F.B.I... BEEEP"
 -- And the Devil Himself, from Blue Devil comics
%%
Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.
 Please leave your name and number... and after I've
 doctored the tape, your message will
 include bombing Tripoli.
%%
 Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and
 taken a sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going
 to bed indefinitely.  When I wake up I'll play my messages.
 Please leave one.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 Hi, this is Ed.  I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark
 sparkling Folger's Crystals.  Leave your name, number, and a
 brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and
 percolated.  See if you can tell the difference.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
 Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
 now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
 you back.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
"Hi. This is God."
  "Uh-Oh..."
 -- Doonesbury
%%
 Hi, this is Jim.  Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing
 my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring.  Please leave me a
 message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 Hi, this is Jim.  Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
 drive.  A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
 you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt.  Please wait for the tone, and
 thank you for your pledge.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
 Hi, this is Jim.  Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
 talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute!  Please
 leave your credit card number at the tone...
 -- Answering machine madness - you're in big trouble
%%
 Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent
 the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you
 are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
 money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a
 female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 Hi, this is John's answering machine again.  He's gone and left
 me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.  Life sucks.
     (or)
 Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
 refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
 message to myself with one of these magnets.
     (or)
 Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine is in
 the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
 toast is done...  (Cachunk!)
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 Hi, this is John's answering machine.  He's not here, but I'm
 open to suggestions.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
 Hi.  This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner.  Their appliances
 have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
 my old job sucked.  So leave a message after you hear the beep,
 and you can be sure it's in the bag.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
Hitler was a Conservative.
%%
Hitlery Clinton -- big brother in drag.
%%
Hitlery is even taxing my patience.
%%
Hitlery is not running the country, Chelsea is.
%%
Hit me, I'm a lawyer...
%%
Hit me one time...Hit me twice...OH!  That's rather nice!
 -- Hexxus
%%
hit point gain/loss when raising a level depends on constitution.
%%
Hit the ball over the fence, and you can
take your time going around the bases.
 -- John Raper
%%
HIT them Mr Moderator - they are OFF TOPIC!
%%
Hit the nail on the head.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- Love's Cure, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
%%
Hitting is the lingua franca in these regions.
%%
HIV/AIDS: Russian Roulette actually has better odds.
%%
Hi! Wanna have sex?
%%
Hi, we're the good ol' blues brothers' boys band.  from Chicago.
-Elwood
 -- "The Blues Brothers"
%%
Hi, what would you like with your fries?
%%
Hi Windows 3.0, bye Windows 3.0
%%
Hi.  Would somebody with the appropriate equipment please convert this
to binary and broadcast it to the stars.  Thanks.

"Whoever has been mutilating cattle and making crop circles, cut it
out!  We don't think it's funny anymore!"
 -- [e-mail] (Mark W. Tilden)
%%
Hiya, Doc What's cookin'?
 -- Data
%%
Hiya Fella: Gladys Eeya
%%
"Hiyah, Captain BALDY!"
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
"Hiyo God Damn Silver."
 -- Oliver Queen in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS
%%
Hi. You have just entered the fourth dimension. Small isn't it?
%%
 Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line
 where you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm
 suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby
 of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll
 tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by
 short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you
 can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers
 will get to talk to me live.  Since you're not one of them,
 leave your own personal secret at the beep.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
 Hi, you've reached 340-2359.  We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
 ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh.  gnillac rof uoy knahT.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
 Hi!!  You've reached Janet and Chris's room.  We're not in right
 now.  If this is our parents, we're at the library studying.
 Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket.  If this is John,
 Chris is out with the girls at the party.  Yeah, that's it.  If
 this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not.  Yeah, a
 party with the president.  Yeah and the...  Pope.  Yeah that's it.
 -- Answering machine madness - family fun
%%
 Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec.  If you are calling
 to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation,
 please press 1 and hang up now.  If you are selling any product
 or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2
 and hang up now.  Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.
 Pressing 3 is optional.
     (or)
 Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now.  Please leave your
 name and number after the tone.  If you are calling regarding an
 outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
:HLL: /H-L-L/ n. [High-Level Language (as opposed to assembler)]
   Found primarily in email and news rather than speech.  Rarely, the
   variants `VHLL' and `MLL' are found.  VHLL stands for
   `Very-High-Level Language' and is used to describe a
   {bondage-and-discipline language} that the speaker happens to
   like; Prolog and Backus's FP are often called VHLLs.  `MLL' stands
   for `Medium-Level Language' and is sometimes used half-jokingly to
   describe {C}, alluding to its `structured-assembler' image.
   See also {languages of choice}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
H*LL WITH THE EVIDENCE ...it's politically correct...
%%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
%%
H lp!  S m b d  st l  ll th  v w ls fr m m  k yb  rd!
%%
Hmmm..  a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
 by a TROLLEY-CAR..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm..  A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
 island, when...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm...  an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of
 POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm...  a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
 ORCHESTRA...  ha..  ha..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm... at first glance I thought it was a female Viking cyclops. :-)
%%
Hmmm. Did your parents happen to own a cattle prod?
%%
Hmmm...does Ralph Cramden use Norton's Utilities?
%%
Hmmm... equality is bad for the country?  Well, at least we know where you
 stand now.  I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how the
 ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms.  Equality is not the same as
 identical.  If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of
 trouble programming in C.
%%
Hmmm...Hastur, He who must not be named --oops$%*&# NO CARRIER
%%
Hmmm...Is this TAG on? Thump Thump Thump
%%
Hmmm, Maybe I should have read this one!
%%
Hmmmm...Err...Is it *suupposed* to smoke like that?
%%
Hmmmmm, the fence must still be down over at the funny farm.
%%
Hmmmmm ... What would Bob do in this situation?
%%
Hmmmm...well, I am getting SVR4 for my HP 48SX.....
%%
Hmmmm...what do you send to a sick florist
%%
Hmmm... the sign on the door says, AIRLOCK. I wonder what's inside.
%%
Hmmm, this looks like a clue, which means it'll cost you 10 points to
read read it. Should I go ahead and read it anyway?
%%
Hmmm... This person must not read the docs.
%%
"Hmmm... volcanic activity in the greater Sioux City area."
 -- Weather conditions in BULLET CROW
%%
Hmmm, what could I give you that you don't already have ???
%%
Hmmm, When is the last time the Tooth Fairy visited you?
%%
Hmmm... you failed your Turing test, didn't you?
%%
Hmm, now what does this key do agai
%%
Hmph! Seriousness.  Hmph! Sobriety.  A Jedi craves them not.
%%
Hm! She is made of harder stuff!
%%
hoarfrost: icy stare given by a coldhearted woman of ill repute.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Hobbes clearly proves that every creature
Lives in a state of war by nature.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Poetry, a Rhapsody
%%
Hobbes did it, Mom!
%%
Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from the duplicating mess...
 and that is, um...it's that, well...Okay, so we didn't learn any big
    lesson.  Sue me.
 -- Calvin
%%
Hobbes is real and Calvin is his pet boy
%%
:hobbit: n. 1. The High Order Bit of a byte; same as the {meta
   bit} or {high bit}.  2. The non-ITS name of [e-mail]
   (*Hobbit*), master of lasers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hobbits do it only if it isn't dangerous.
%%
Hobo: a person who builds palaces and lives in shacks.
%%
Hoch yuchlIj HInob. (Give me all your chocolate!)
%%
Hockey costs too much money.
%%
Hockey fascinates me! I could sit and watch it for hours.
%%
HOCKEY: Female sex fantasies on ice!
%%
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team.
 -- Murray's Hockey Rule
%%
Hockey is the greatest sport of all.
%%
Hockey Players are protesting the excessive violence in figure skating
%%
Hockey players DO IT between periods.
%%
Hockey players do it by pucking on the ice.
%%
HOCKEY-PLAYERS do it; so what?
%%
Hockey players love a good puck...how about you?
%%
Hockey - playing is better than watching, which is better than nothing
%%
HOG, n.  A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and
serving to illustrate that of ours.  Among the Mahometans and Jews,
the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for
the delicacy and the melody of its voice.  It is chiefly as a songster
that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been
known to draw tears from two persons at once.  The scientific name of
this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_.  Mr. Rockefeller did not
discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:hog: n.,vt. 1. Favored term to describe programs or hardware that
   seem to eat far more than their share of a system's resources,
   esp. those which noticeably degrade interactive response.
   *Not* used of programs that are simply extremely large or
   complex or that are merely painfully slow themselves (see {pig,
   run like a}).  More often than not encountered in qualified forms,
   e.g., `memory hog', `core hog', `hog the processor', `hog
   the disk'.  "A controller that never gives up the I/O bus
   gets killed after the bus-hog timer expires."   2. Also said
   of *people* who use more than their fair share of resources
   (particularly disk, where it seems that 10% of the people use 90%
   of the disk, no matter how big the disk is or how many people use
   it).  Of course, once disk hogs fill up one filesystem, they
   typically find some other new one to infect, claiming to the
   sysadmin that they have an important new project to complete.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hog Weighing Method:
 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly
     balanced.
 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
 -- Robert Burns
%%
Ho!  Ha-ha!  Guard!  Turn!  Parry!  Dodge!  Spin!  Ha!  Thrust!
 -- Daffy Duck
%%
Ho hum, another day
Starting out the same old way.
%%
Hoist a green beer...or a green milkshake, which every applies.
%%
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at
your side, kid.
 -- Han Solo to Luke (Star Wars)
%%
Hokt on fonix werkt fer me
%%
"Hold!  Cease thy stultiloquy!  Oh, not daggers or swords or all the
 spears in the world stung me greater than this rubbish you throw to the
 heavens!"
%%
Hold [CTRL][ALT][TAB][SHIFT][ENTER] and click here [ ].
%%
Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die,
life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.
 -- Langston Hughes
%%
Hold on sir, we'll try to reverse the beam...
%%
Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might
think she's a man.
%%
Hold on - wait, maybe the answer's looking for you.
%%
Hold still while I flame you.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
Hold tenderly that which you cherish, for it is precious and a tight grip
may crush it.  Do not let the fear of dropping it cause you to hold it too
tightly: the chances are, it's holding you, too.
 -- Bob Alberti
%%
Hold the fleet angel fast until he bless thee.
 -- Nathaniel Cotton (1707-1788)
 -- To-morrow
%%
Hold their noses to grinstone.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. v
%%
Hold their noses to the grindstone.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- Blurt, Master-Constable, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hold thou the good; define it well;
  For fear divine Philosophy
  Should push beyond her mark, and be
Procuress to the Lords of Hell.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, liii, Stanza 4
%%
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather.
%%
hold: what you try to do when you wake at 4am after having overrehydrated
yourself.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Hold your counsel before dinner; the full belly hates thinking as well as
 acting.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
Hole in the Bed by I Missed Her Completely.
%%
Hole in the Mattress, by Mister Completely.
%%
Hollow chocolate has no calories.
%%
Hollowpoints - the ultimate in feminine protection.
%%
Holly: Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness.
       The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is
       the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Queeg'
%%
Holly:  Ah, got him: 'Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.'
Rimmer: Damn!
Holly:  And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
Rimmer: 98!
Holly:  His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th wife and
        lost control of the plane.
Rimmer: Have you got any photographs?
Holly:  Not of that, no!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Timeslides'
%%
Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going
       on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Confidence and Paranoia'
%%
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same
       I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teachers.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Future Echoes'
%%
Holly: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album
       by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat:   Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Stasis Leak'
%%
Holly: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81.  People said, No, Holly,
       she's not for you.  She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't
       load -- well, not for me, anyway.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Stasis Leak'
%%
Holly:  Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
        full of marrow-bone jelly!  Lasts longer than any other type of
        milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly:  No bugger will drink it!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Kryten'
%%
Holly:  Purple alert! Purple alert!
Lister: What's a purple alert?
Holly:  Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse
        than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Dimension Jump'
%%
Holly (quoting Capt. H.): There's a saying amongst the officers; If
a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing,
give it to Rimmer!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Waiting For God'
%%
Holly:  Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
        voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
        database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is
        not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Demons and Angels'
%%
Holly: The phrase 'cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Demons and Angels'
%%
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hollogram suite]
Lister: 'Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?'
Holly:  'Yes, connect it to the blue cable.'
--- Lister explodes ---
Holly:  'Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it was the yellow cable.'
 -- Red Dwarf 'Stasis Leak'
%%
Holly:  We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June,
        July, and August, fool.  Yes, that's right -- I am Queeg.
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    WHAT?!!!!!!
 -- Red Dwarf - 'Queeg'
%%
Holly: Well, she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now -- not
       unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
 -- Red Dwarf - 'The End'
%%
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
%%
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie
 stars.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a
kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
 -- Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962)
%%
Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under
 observation.
 -- Walter Winchell
%%
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.
%%
Hollywood is one place where more parents than children run away from home.
%%
Hollywood is the stronghold of the adversary culture. It is on the other
side of the cultural divide from Huntington, and they don't like it when
someone from Huntington, with Midwestern values, challenges their
so-called moral authority.
 -- Vice-President Dan Quayle, while campaigning in
                    Kansas City, MO,  9/2
                    (reported by the NY times, 9/3/92)
%%
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
 Rex Reed
%%
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
%%
Holodeck computer...end Clinton administration program.
%%
Holodeck designed by TARDIS Inc.
%%
Hologram at your service, baby!
 -- Thames.
%%
Holy 1/2 a keg on the porch!
 -- Brian Eberle, 7 Feb 93
%%
Holy Cards are worth more autographed.
%%
Holy Dilemma!   Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the
 Boy Wonder?  Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
 Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
%%
Holy Ground, Bob!  Remember what Ramirez taught you!
%%
Holy Hand Grenades, Batman!
 -- Robin
%%
Holy Razor blades, Batman! That was a close shave!
%%
HOLY_SMOKE: Because fundies are funny!
%%
Holy Smokes!...."the church is on fire!"
%%
HOLY
  Something containing a lot of holes, such as the Bible.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA

I'M
  going to get struck down for that one, aren't I? Or at the very
  least, lose both the remaining Christian subscribers.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
:holy wars: [from {USENET}, but may predate it] n. {flame
   war}s over {religious issues}.  The paper by Danny Cohen that
   popularized the terms {big-endian} and {little-endian} in
   connection with the LSB-first/MSB-first controversy was entitled
   "On Holy Wars and a Plea for Peace".  Other perennial Holy
   Wars have included {EMACS} vs. {vi}, my personal computer
   vs. everyone else's personal computer, {{ITS}} vs. {{UNIX}},
   {{UNIX}} vs. {VMS}, {BSD} UNIX vs. {USG UNIX}, {C}
   vs. {{Pascal}}, {C} vs. FORTRAN, etc., ad nauseam.  The
   characteristic that distinguishes holy wars from normal technical
   disputes is that in a holy wars most of the participants spend
   their time trying to pass off personal value choices and cultural
   attachments as objective technical evaluations.  See also
   {theology}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Home Alone III, The Sequel: Annie Buddyhome
%%
:home box: n. A hacker's personal machine, especially one he or she
   owns.  "Yeah?  Well, *my* home box runs a full 4.2 BSD, so
   there!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
        Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say
shop for, as opposed to obtain.    This is the major drawback of home
centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
trees.  The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
  Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
a replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
an electronic calculator, and then say, We're expecting a shipment of
these sometime around the middle of next week.
 -- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
%%
Home Cooking Is The Greatest Cooking In The World
%%
Home education! The way to go!
%%
Home for diplomats, hustlers, entrepreneurs and wanderers...
%%
Home for MikeMayL, QWK reader for the Cheapskake!
%%
Home is is the place where your computer lives and runs your life.
 -- Chrome Cowboy, [e-mail]
%%
"Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse."
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Women in the Home"
%%
Home is the place where, when you have to go there because everything else
 is closed, they have to take you in.
%%
Home is the place you grow up in and want to leave, only to get a little
 older and grow fond of coming back to.
%%
Home is where I feed my cat.
%%
Home is where the computer is plugged in!
%%
Home is where the dog is.
%%
Home is where the heart is.
 -- Attributed to Pliny
%%
Home is where the television is.
%%
Home is wherever my books are.
 -- Charade
%%
Home is where you can scratch any place it itches!
%%
Home is where your rump rests.
%%
 Home is where you wear your hat.
 -- Buckaroo Banzai (the film)
%%
Home is where you wear your hat.  I feel so break up: I want to go
home
 -- Lord John Whorfin
%%
Home-keeping youth have ever homely wits.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Homeless men are also without love and hope of finding love.
%%
Homeless men-Bums!  Homeless women-Bag *ladies*
%%
Homelessness
 -- Glass Cellar of Male Disposibility, 03
%%
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a
cockatoo.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
:home machine: n. 1. Syn. {home box}.  2. The machine that
   receives your email.  These senses might be distinct, for example,
   for a hacker who owns one computer at home, but reads email at
   work.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
 -- Chris Shaw
%%
Home of eclectic esoterica!
%%
Home of the brown thumb -- we kill plastic plants.
%%
Home of The "LAME DUCK" System
%%
Home of the Liberty Bell: Phil A. Delphia
%%
Home of the Mc. Billions and Billions served.
%%
Home of the Pig Stye
%%
Home of the Superconducting Kitty Collider.
%%
Homeowner Envy:
 Feelings of jealousy generated in the young and the
disenfranchised when facing gruesome housing statistics.
 -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Homer: "D'oh!" Lisa: "A deer!" Marge: "A female deer!"
%%
HomerDOS error: Abort, Retry, D'Ohh!
%%
Homer himself must beg if he want means, and as by report sometimes
he did "go from door to door and sing ballads, with a company of boys
about him."
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 4, Subsect. 6
%%
Homer:  "Sometimes I think we must be the worst family in Springfield."
Marge:  "Well, maybe we should move to a larger community."
 -- There's No Disgrace Like Home   "The Simpsons"
%%
Home Savings and Loan owns my house..
%%
HOMESCHOLARING...Our future depends on it!
%%
Home School is the last hope for american freedom.
%%
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
%%
Home sweet home..the place everybody should work...
%%
Home Sweet Home?? This place is a ZOO!!
%%
Homework time limit exceeded... Automatic logon commencing...
%%
HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT!
%%
Homey the Borg:  Homey don't assimilate that!
%%
HOMICIDE, n.  The slaying of one human being by another.  There are
four kinds of homocide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HOMILETICS, n.  The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual
needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

    So skilled the parson was in homiletics
    That all his normal purges and emetics
    To medicine the spirit were compounded
    With a most just discrimination founded
    Upon a rigorous examination
    Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
    Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
    His scriptural specifics this physician
    Administered -- his pills so efficacious
    And pukes of disposition so vivacious
    That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
    Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.
    But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered
    Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
    That in the case of patients having money
    The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.
                                          _Biography of Bishop Potter_
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HOMOEOPATHIST, n.  The humorist of the medical profession.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HOMOEOPATHY, n.  A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and
Christian Science.  To the last both the others are distinctly
inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they
can not.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Homophobe's dream come true; deFAGmenting program for computer.
%%
Homophobes who type too much....next on Geraldo!
%%
Homophobia ... A great thing to LOSE!!
%%
Homophobia is a heterosexual disease!
%%
HOMOPHOBIA is a social disease!
%%
Homo sapiens. The greatest oxymoron ever!
%%
Homosexuality is not an abnormality, illness, or disorder.
%%
Homosexuality is *not* a sickness.  Bigotry is.
%%
Homosexuality is the best all around cover an agent ever had.
%%
Homosexuality, like androgyny, might be an instinctive racial response to
overpopulation, crowding, and stress. Both flourish when empire reaches its
apogee.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Homosexuals -- be fruitful, but don't multiply!
%%
Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto.
%%
Hompu'wIj ghorlaH 'oy'naQpu' je naghpu' 'ach jiH mu'oy'laHbe'
pongpu'
 -- Klingon phrase, roughly translated as:
'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me.'
%%
Honda: Hand Over Dollars to Asians
%%
Honda: Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
%%
Honda: Helping Out Nips Destroying America
%%
Honda: Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
%%
Honda: How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
%%
honda seatcovers
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more
 -- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
"Honesta turpitudo est pro causa bona."
(Crime is honest in a good cause.)
 -- Publilius Syrus (1st cent. B.C.)
%%
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a
 friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
 -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
"Honest Crocus worships at the font of free enterprise."
 -- NEXUS
%%
Honest crook
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.
 -- Mahatma Gandhi
%%
Honest honey, I was at the office!
%%
Honest...I am a for-real Techno-type!!!
%%
Honest!  It's only a cold sore!
%%
Honest labour bears a lovely face.
 -- Thomas Dekker (1572-1632)
 -- Patient Grissell, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Honestly officer, I've never seen that Tagline before!
%%
Honest Ma, I got it from a toilet seat...
%%
Honest men esteem and value nothing so much in this world as a real
friend. Such a one is as it were another self, to whom we impart our
most secret thoughts, who partakes of our joy, and comforts us in
our affliction; add to this, that his company is an everlasting pleasure
to us.
 -- Pilpay (or Bidpai)
 -- Choice of Friends, Chap. iv
%%
Honest, Occifer! There's no blood in my alcohol content.....
%%
Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeopardy I would never had lit
one.
 -- Maxim of the Hells Angels
%%
Honest, Officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here...
%%
Honest offither, I'm not as dwunk as theeple pink I am!
%%
Honest politician
 -- Oxymoron
%%
Honest teacher.  A virus really DID eat my homework!
%%
Honesty and service.
%%
Honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Honesty: Fear of being caught.
%%
HONESTY
  Honesty cannot be undervalued. And while I'm on the subject of
  honesty, have I told you about an exciting business opportunity
  that could make you thousands of dollars without hard work or
  expensive capital investment? Yes, bank robbery is an exciting new
  idea, and you could be one of the first to buy an exclusive
  franchise in your area. For just $30,000, we'll provide a fully
  detailed instruction manual on how to do a bank robbery. Ring today
  and we'll include two luxury pure wool dry-cleanable balaclavas,
  perfect for those anonymous jobs when you just don't want to be
  identified on the News.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
honesty is a good thing but it is not profitable to its posessor unless it is
kept under control
 -- Don Marquis, "archys life of mehitabel"
%%
Honesty is better than lying.
%%
Honesty is hardly ever heard, but mostly what I need from you...
 -- Billy Joel
%%
Honesty is the best image.
 -- Ziggy (Tom Wilson)
%%
Honesty is the best policy and spinach is the best vegetable.
 -- "Popeye"
%%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
 -- Steve Landesberg
%%
Honesty is the best policy.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
 -- Van Roy's Law
%%
Honesty is the best policy ... when everything else fails.
%%
Honesty is the best policy--when there is money in it.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Honesty is the worst policy (is this MR policy?)
%%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
 -- F. M. Hubbard
%%
Honey!  Did you miss me today?....With every shot!
%%
Honey, go find the whips and chains, would you? Company's coming....
%%
Honey, I blew up the computer!
%%
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
%%
Honey, if you shave my face I'll never forgive you for it!
%%
Honey, I'll be down in 10 minutes, I promise this time.
%%
Honey, I'm single because I was born that way.  I never married, because I
 would have had to give up my favourite hobby - men.
%%
Honey in the mouth and knives in the heart.
%%
Honey, I polymorphed the kids!
%%
Honey, Is that GTE in the yard?  Where is my 357?
%%
Honey, it's just a machine, now put the axe away.
%%
Honey,just one more message...I really MEAN it this time!
%%
Honeymoon:  A short period of doting between dating and debting.
 -- Ray Bandy
%%
Honeymoon night was hot. She was moaning all night in ecstasy. Opening
 gifts: "An orange squeezer! Oh my God! A waffle maker!" Next morning the
 guy down the hall gave me the big thumbs-up. "Boy, you were using
 everything but the kitchen sink in there!"
 -- Mike Binder
%%
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
%%
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
%%
Honeymoon: The time between 'I do' and 'You'd better!'
%%
Honey, pass the waffle syrup!  That Clinton guy is on TV again!
%%
Honey quiet playing Mahjongg,I have to work..
%%
Honey, these biscuits are tough...
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
"Honey, this is GREAT coffee."
 -- Harrison Ford in "Witness"
%%
Honey, what does 'Formatting Drive C:' mean?
%%
Hong Kong, Son of King Kong
%%
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
%%
Honk If The Twins Fall Out.
 -- Bumper sticker on a van
%%
Honk if you feel better than James Brown
%%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%%
Honk if you Hate Rap Music.
%%
Honk if you haven't slept with Commander Riker.
%%
Honk if you like silence.
 -- Bumpersticker
%%
Honk if you love cheeses.
%%
Honk if you love Eegah!
%%
Honk if you love obscene gestures.
%%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 -- Bumper Sticker
%%
Honk if your horn is broken.
%%
Honk if your team has never won The Stanley Cup.
%%
Honk if you've been married to Elizabeth Taylor.
%%
Honk if you've had Mrs. Bush.
%%
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
%%
Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable
gentleman is a scurvy cur."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Honorable retreats are no ways inferior to brave charges, as having
less fortune, more of discipline, and as much valor.
 -- Major General Sir William Napier, Peninsular War [1810]
%%
Honor diversity: it's required by law.
%%
Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together.
%%
Honor isn't about making the right choices.  It's about dealing with
the consequences.
 -- Midori Koto
%%
Honor's a good brooch to wear in a man's hat at all times.
 -- Jonson
%%
Honor's a thing too subtle for wisdom; if honor lie in eating, he's
right honorable.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
%%
Honor thy error as hidden intention.
%%
Honor thy SysOp as thy self.
%%
Honor would be better served if I were your mate.
 -- Worf
%%
Honour and shame from no condition rise;
Act well your part, there all the honour lies.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle iv, Line 193
%%
Honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come
on,--how then? Can honour set to a leg? no: or an arm? no: or take
away the grief of a wound? no. Honour hath no skill in surgery, then?
no. What is honour? a word. What is in that word honour; what is that
honour? air. A trim reckoning! Who hath it? he that died o' Wednesday.
Doth he feel it? no. Doth he hear it? no. 'T is insensible, then?
yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the living? no. Why? detraction
will not suffer it. Therefore I 'll none of it. Honour is a mere scutcheon.
And so ends my catechism.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
"Honour thy father and thy mother" stands written among the three
laws of most revered righteousness.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Suppliants, 707
%%
Hood River is Gorgeous this time of year.
%%
Hoo Hah.
%%
HOO: Hide Operator's Output
%%
HOOKER GIVES BIRTH TO TRIPLETS,
 1 WHITE, 1 BLACK, 1 CHINESE
%%
:hook: n. A software or hardware feature included in order to
   simplify later additions or changes by a user.  For example, a
   simple program that prints numbers might always print them in base
   10, but a more flexible version would let a variable determine what
   base to use; setting the variable to 5 would make the program print
   numbers in base 5.  The variable is a simple hook.  An even more
   flexible program might examine the variable and treat a value of 16
   or less as the base to use, but treat any other number as the
   address of a user-supplied routine for printing a number.  This is
   a {hairy} but powerful hook; one can then write a routine to
   print numbers as Roman numerals, say, or as Hebrew characters, and
   plug it into the program through the hook.  Often the difference
   between a good program and a superb one is that the latter has
   useful hooks in judiciously chosen places.  Both may do the
   original job about equally well, but the one with the hooks is much
   more flexible for future expansion of capabilities ({EMACS}, for
   example, is *all* hooks).  The term `user exit' is
   synonymous but much more formal and less hackish.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hookt of Fonicks, it worked for my SysOp.
%%
"Hoooooooollllllllyyyyyyyyyy  Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt !!!"
 -- The first person to ever atempt Bungee jumping
%%
Hoopy: really together guy
%%
Hooray for the anvil!  Elvis wins again!
%%
Hooray! It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!
Yes, Baldrick.
And you killed him!
Yes, Baldrick.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
:hop: 1. n. One file transmission in a series required to get a
   file from point A to point B on a store-and-forward network.  On
   such networks (including {UUCPNET} and {FidoNet}), an
   important inter-machine metric is the number of hops in the
   shortest path between them, which can be more significant than
   their geographical separation.  See {bang path}. 2. v. To log in
   to a remote machine, esp. via rlogin or telnet. "I'll hop over to
   foovax to FTP that."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hope against hope, and ask till ye receive.
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The World before the Flood, Canto v
%%
HOPE ain't in Arkansas.... It's in 1996!
%%
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xiii, 12
%%
Hope elevates, and joy
Brightens his crest.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 633
%%
Hope: enjoyment of the future in advance.
%%
Hope for a miracle only after everything else has failed.
%%
Hope for a season bade the world farewell,
And Freedom shriek'd as Kosciusko fell!
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- Pleasures of Hope, Part i, Line 381
%%
Hope for the best. Expect the worst.
 Life is a play. We're unrehearsed.
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless
   of how others use them.
 -- Writing Rule 39
%%
Hope -- I always thought that was a human failing, Mr. Spock?
True, Doctor.  Constant exposure does result in a certain degree
of contamination.
 -- McCoy and Spock, "The Gamesters of Triskelion,", stardate 3211.7
%%
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it
prolongs the torments of man.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
%%
Hope is a flatterer, but the most upright of parasites; for she frequents
the poor man's hut, as well as the palace of his superior.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
%%
Hope is a shooting a homosexual with his boyfriend.
%%
Hope is a state of mind, not of the world.  Hope, in this deep and
powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well,
or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading
for .success, but rather an ability to work for something because
it is good.
 -- Vaclav Havel
%%
Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic.
 -- Norman Cousins
%%
Hope is like the cork to the net, which keeps the soul from sinking
in despair; and fear is like the lead to the net, which keeps it
from floating in presumption.
 -- Watson
%%
Hope is nature's veil for hiding truth's nakedness.
 -- Alfred Bernhard Nobel (1833-1896)
%%
Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse
to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it."
"I say we remove the carrot and walk forward with open eyes.
 -- Raistlin Majere, Dragonlance Chronicles Vol. 1
%%
Hope is the fawning traitor of the mind, which, while it cozens
with a color'd friendship robs us of our best virtue-resolution.
 -- Lee
%%
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
 -- Jean Kerr
%%
Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.
Hope is the dream of a working man.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79)
%%
   Hope is the thing with feathers
   That perches in the soul
   And sings the tune without the words
   And never stops at all.

   And sweetest in the gale is heard;
   And sore must be the storm
   That could abash the little bird
   That kept so many warm.

   I've heard it in the chilest land
   And on the strangest sea,
   Yet never in extremity
   It asked a crumb of me.
 -- Emily Dickenson
%%
Hope is very dangerous....
 -- Servalan
%%
Hopelessly dribble can't write for toffie nosed tag line thingy...
%%
Hopelessly lost, but making good time...
 -- Letterman
%%
Hope: Mistaking desire for probability.
%%
HOPE, n.  Desire and expectation rolled into one.

    Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left --
    Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
    When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
    With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
    While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
    The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
    Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
    The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
                                                       Fogarty Weffing
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hope, of all ills that men endure,
The only cheap and universal cure.
 -- Abraham Cowley (1618-1667)
 -- The Mistress, For Hope
%%
Hope, of all passions, most befriends us here.
 -- Young
%%
Hope springs eternal in the human breast:
Man never is, but always to be blest.
The soul, uneasy and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 95
%%
Hope that helps.
 -- Dave Hardcastle, 06 Oct 94
%%
Hope! thou nurse of young desire.
 -- Isaac Bickerstaff (1735-1787)
 -- Love in a Village, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Hope to the end.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Peter i, 13
%%
Hope travels through, nor quits us when we die.
%%
Hope withering fled, and Mercy sighed farewell!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Corsair, Canto i, Stanza 9
%%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
 -- Peanuts
%%
Horace Greeley did not say, "Go West, young man." He said, "It's the first
 door on the left, kid."
 -- Jack Douglas
%%
Horatio, thou art e'en as just a man
As e'er my conversation coped withal.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
HO!  <repeat three times<
%%
Horizontally Challenged: politically correct term for sluts.
%%
Hormones are nature's way of keeping the species alive.
%%
Horn busted! Watch for finger.
 -- Bumper sticker
%%
Horniness is a quintessential example of hope.
%%
horn: malady brought on by being too long alone in the mountains.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Horn players do it French style.
%%
Horny will kick embarrassment's ass everytime.
%%
Horoscopes: The book says people born in January are gentle. February
 people are honest. March people are sincere. April people are trustworthy
 and so on and so on. Now, what I don't understand is: Where the hell do all
 the rotten people come from?
 -- Lou Alexander
%%
Horrible bug encountered. God knows what has happened!
 -- WindowError: 009
%%
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
%%
Horseback riders stay in the saddle longer.
%%
HORSE
  I begin to seriously doubt the viability of a dictionary that
  defines "horse" as "a soft-hoofed ungulate." A horse is actually
  any four legged creature in a Western movie. Except a cow.
      The horse's major contribution to mankind has been shit. Such
  was the level of horse shit production late last century that
  measures were taken to centralise its disposal. For the last
  hundred years, all the horse shit in Australia has been taken to
  one place for burial: Dubbo, the shithole of Australia.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Horseman: "I've fallen and can't giddyup"
%%
Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.
%%
HORSE RACIN
Tragedy struck the owners of Fast Sausage yesterday when the horse was
accidentally put in the wrong horse-box and sent to be slaughtered and
turned into 200 cans of dog-food. The owners said that they don't mind
very much, and look forward to getting rid of more useless horses this
way. Fast Sausage's descendants, two ponies (Pork Sausage and Long
Sausage) will be cared for by the St Pharlap's Home for Orphaned Horses
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%%
Horse's can't fly!  Horse feathers...
%%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
Horse sense is what you have if, on the verge of a biting retort, you keep a
bit in your mouth.
%%
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
Horses sweat, gentlemen perspire, but ladies GLOW.
%%
Hortas - Please don't eat the urinals!
 -- Sign in restroom
%%
horticulture - a `lady of the night' en route to an opera
%%
:hose: 1. vt. To make non-functional or greatly degraded in
   performance.  "That big ray-tracing program really hoses the
   system."  See {hosed}.  2. n. A narrow channel through which
   data flows under pressure.  Generally denotes data paths that
   represent performance bottlenecks.  3. n. Cabling, especially
   thick Ethernet cable.  This is sometimes called `bit hose' or
   `hosery' (play on `hosiery') or `etherhose'.  See also
   {washing machine}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:hosed: adj. Same as {down}.  Used primarily by UNIX hackers.
   Humorous: also implies a condition thought to be relatively easy to
   reverse.  Probably derived from the Canadian slang `hoser'
   popularized by the Bob and Doug Mackenzie skits on SCTV, but this
   usage predated SCTV by years in hackerdom (it was certainly already
   live at CMU in the 1970s).  See {hose}.  It is also widely used
   of people in the mainstream sense of `in an extremely unfortunate
   situation'.

   Once upon a time, a Cray that had been experiencing periodic
   difficulties crashed, and it was announced to have been hosed.
   It was discovered that the crash was due to the disconnection of
   some coolant hoses.  The problem was corrected, and users were then
   assured that everything was OK because the system had been rehosed.
   See also {dehose}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hospitality:  Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
%%
Hospitality, n.  The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain
persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hospitality sitting with Gladness.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- Translation from Frithiof's Saga
%%
Hospitality to the better sort, and charity to the poor; two virtues
that are never exercised so well as when they accompany each other.
 -- Atterbury
%%
Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.
%%
Hospitals! They clean you with alcohol, but make you drink water!
%%
Ho! stand to your glasses steady!
  'T is all we have left to prize.
A cup to the dead already,--
  Hurrah for the next that dies!
 -- Bartholomew Dowling
 -- Revelry in India
%%
HOSTILITY, n.  A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the
earth's overpopulation.  Hostility is classified as active and
passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female
friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hostility to science is the anti-intellectualism of the semi-intellectual.
 -- George F. Will
%%
Host System Not Responding, Probably Down.  Do you want to wait?  (Y/N)
%%
Hot air sometimes thaws out a cold reception.
%%
Hot and cold, and moist and dry.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Day
%%
Hot as Vulcan.
 -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7.
%%
Hot damn we're cooking now.
%%
Hot Dog!: Frank Furter
%%
Hot Dogma!
%%
Hotel: A place you give good dollars for bad quarters.
%%
Hot Fudge Sundae falls on a Tuesday this year.
%%
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
 -- First Law of Laboratory Work
%%
Hot Lips: Hate Hawkeye, hate BJ, love you & my wife Faithfully, Frank
%%
:hot spot: n. 1. [primarily used by C/UNIX programmers, but
   spreading] It is received wisdom that in most programs, less than
   10% of the code eats 90% of the execution time; if one were to
   graph instruction visits versus code addresses, one would typically
   see a few huge spikes amidst a lot of low-level noise.  Such spikes
   are called `hot spots' and are good candidates for heavy
   optimization or {hand-hacking}.  The term is especially used of
   tight loops and recursions in the code's central algorithm, as
   opposed to (say) initial set-up costs or large but infrequent I/O
   operations.  See {tune}, {bum}, {hand-hacking}.  2. The
   active location of a cursor on a bit-map display.  "Put the
   mouse's hot spot on the `ON' widget and click the left button."
   3. A screen region that is sensitive to mouse clicks, which trigger
   some action.  Hypertext help screens are an example, in which a hot
   spot exists in the vicinity of any word for which additional
   material is available.  4. In a massively parallel computer with
   shared memory, the one location that all 10,000 processors are
   trying to read or write at once (perhaps because they are all doing
   a {busy-wait} on the same lock).  5. More generally, any place
   in a hardware design that turns into a performance bottleneck due
   to resource contention.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hot time, summer in the city.  Back of my neck feeling dirty and gritty.
%%
Hot water heaters? Why does hot water need heating?
%%
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
%%
HOURI, n.  A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make
things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence
marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a
soul.  By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient
esteem.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hours can be centuries
 -- Vanna the Troglyte, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0.
%%
House Cat: A feline that has trained humans for pets!
%%
House Ethics Committee
 -- Oxymoron
%%
HOUSELESS, adj.  Having paid all taxes on household goods.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HOUSE, n.  A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat,
mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal
service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations.
_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it.
_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult
persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor.  _House-maid_, a
youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously
disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has
pleased God to place her.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
House Plants: Clay Potts
%%
House plants predict the future through ESP, says botanist
%%
"HOUSEWIFE INVERTS SINGULAR MATRIX AND LIVES TO TELL TALE!!!"
 -- "Scientific National Enquirer"
%%
Housewives against entropy
%%
:house wizard: [prob. from ad-agency tradetalk, `house freak']
   n. A hacker occupying a technical-specialist, R&D, or systems
   position at a commercial shop.  A really effective house wizard can
   have influence out of all proportion to his/her ostensible rank and
   still not have to wear a suit.  Used esp. of UNIX wizards.  The
   term `house guru' is equivalent.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Housework can kill you if done right.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
Housework: Dustin Cook
%%
Housework has never yet killed anybody, but why chance it
%%
Housework, if it is done right, can kill you.
 -- John Skow
%%
Housework won't kill you, but why take a chanche.
 -- Phyllis Diller, comedian
%%
Houston Rockets: 6 down, 76 to go...
%%
Houston, Tranquillity Base here.   The Eagle has landed.
 -- Neil Armstrong
%%
HOVEL, n.  The fruit of a flower called the Palace.

        Twaddle had a hovel,
            Twiddle had a palace;
        Twaddle said:  "I'll grovel
            Or he'll think I bear him malice" --
    A sentiment as novel
        As a castor on a chalice.

        Down upon the middle
            Of his legs fell Twaddle
        And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
            Who began to lift his noddle.
        Feed upon the fiddle-
            Faddle flummery, unswaddle
    A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
How about a cheese flavored cigarette? Anyone for a filtered Cream Light100?
%%
How about a little fire, scarecrow?
%%
How about a little peel & squeal at my place?
%%
How about a pin the missile on the Iraqi leader game?
%%
How about a platinum plated bucket to sleep in?
 -- Quark
%%
How absolutely easy it is for a man to die rich, if that be his desire.
 Simply by living is the most miserable conditions for the longest possible
 time, and in the most miserly manner, it is indeed quite possible for the
 ordinary person to die rich. Of course, you can't take it with you.
%%
How absolute the knave is! we must speak by the card, or equivocation
will undo us.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
How absurd and delicious it is to be in love with somebody younger than
yourself.  Everybody should try it.
 -- Barbara Pym
%%
How am I supposed to know what a rhetorical question is?
%%
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
%%
How a person masters his fate is more important than what his fate is.
 -- Wilhelm von Humboldt
%%
How apt the poor are to be proud.
%%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
 -- John Valby
%%
Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who
 not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.
 -- Ted Morgan
%%
Howard Johnson's got his Ho-Jo workin'.
%%
How are the mighty fallen!
 -- Old Testament
 -- 2 Samuel i, 25
%%
How are things?
Just as they are.
%%
How are you holding up during the lithium shortage?
 -- David Letterman
%%
How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning!
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah xiv, 12
%%
How at heaven's gates she claps her wings,
The morne not waking til she sings.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Cupid and Campaspe, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy
thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  Thy navel
is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor:  thy belly is like an heap
of wheat set about with lillies.
Thy two breasts are like two young roses that are twins.
 -- Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (KJV)
%%
How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights!
You are stately as a palm-tree, and your breasts are the clusters of dates.
I said, "I will climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds."  May I find your
breast like clusters of grapes on the vine, the scent of your breath like
apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my
caresses, gliding down through lips and teeth.
 -- Song of Solomon 7:6-9 (NEB)
%%
How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
How blessings brighten as they take their flight!
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 - Night Thoughts, Night ii, Line 602
%%
How blest is he who crowns, in shades like these, A youth of labor
with an age of ease.
 -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
"How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved."
 -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
%%
How 'bout a clothes shop for Swinging Blue Jeans?
But all they could show me was denim
In theory a snake expert should know about Sting
But he just ranted on about venom
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
How 'bout a little... bunny heat?
 -- Babs Bunny
%%
How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
%%
How 'bout lunch and sex? . . . OK, we can skip the lunch.
%%
How 'bout them Cowboys?
%%
How bravely thou becomest thy bed, fresh lily.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
How calmly may we commit ourselves to the hands of Him who bears
up the world- of Him who has created, and who provides for the joy
even of insects, as carefully as if He were their Father!
 -- Richter
%%
How can a bishop marry?  How can he flirt?  The most he can say is:
 "I will see you in the vestry after the service."
%%
How can a book print explicit instructions for manufacturing illegal drugs and
get away with it because of a disclaimer about the book being for
entertainment purposes only?
%%
How can a kid 10 years old find a dope pusher and the FBI can't?
 -- Red Skelton
%%
How can a man of integrity get along in Washington?
 -- Richard Feynman (1918-1988)
%%
How can Clinton be a draft dodger if he never was drafted?
%%
How can gravitons escape the event horizon (or can they?)? ...
%%
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the
  roller of an electric typewriter?
 -- Woody Allen
%%
How can I control my natural urges? Picture Willard Scott naked!
%%
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
%%
How can I fail when I have no purpose???
%%
How can I insert disk #3 when only two will fit?
%%
How can I lose to such an idiot?
 -- A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)
%%
How can I love you if you won't lay down?
 -- from the wall in Layton Theatre
%%
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
 -- Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week
%%
How can I prove I am not crazy to people who are?
%%
"How can I tell...that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the
discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?"
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
How can I tell what I think until I see what I say? And how can I say what
 I think unless someone asks me?
%%
How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
%%
How can people ignore the petitioners in front of the supermarket, then
complain about the sorry state of our government?
%%
[How can the Enterprise crew spend the rest of their lives on Apollo's planet?]
Apollo: "Kill a deer!"
 -- "Who Mourns For Adonais?", Stardate 3468.1.
%%
How can they cut the power?  They're animals!
 -- Aliens
%%
How can they say my life isn't a success?
Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat
and escaped being eaten?
 -- Cindy Adams
%%
How can they tell?
%%
How can we be sure it's really Al Gore?
%%
How can we have any new ideas or fresh outlooks when 90% of all the
scientists who have ever lived have still not died?
 -- A. L. Mackay
%%
How can we hope to remain economically competitive in a world in which...
 90% of Dutch high-school students take advanced math courses and
100% of teachers in Germany have double majors, while the best we
can say about our "pocket of excellence" is that 75% of [American]
students have learned to "critique tactfully?"
 -- Barbara J. Alexander
%%
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
 -- Firesign Theater
%%
How can you keep working with this lo-tech stuff?
%%
How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?
%%
How can you tell a JAP at the funeral parlor?
She's the one in the black tennis outfit.
%%
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
%%
How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back in a hurricane?
You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
%%
How can you tell if your car is a lemon?

Your car might be a lemon if:
1) You can't get your glove compartment closed because of all the
   repair receipts.
2) The guys at the garage recognize your voice on the telephone.
3) It has broken down more than once on the way back from the shop.
4) You can tell when they've rearranged the furniture in the shop's
   customer lounge.
5) You leave your keys in the car in the hopes that someone will steal it.
6) Someone tried to steal it, only it wouldn't start.
%%
How can you tell the dance from the dancer?
%%
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
%%
How can you tell there's anything out there?  The door's closed.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
How can you tell when a little moron has been using your terminal?
There's white-out all over the screen.
%%
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
%%
How can you waste beer like that!!  Don't you realize there are sober
 children in Africa!!
%%
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
%%
How can you write if you can't cry?
 -- Ring Lardner
%%
How charming is divine philosophy!
Not harsh and crabbed, as dull fools suppose,
But musical as is Apollo's lute,
And a perpetual feast of nectar'd sweets
Where no crude surfeit reigns.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 476
%%
How come all the buttons keep flying off my shirt?
%%
How come all you guys sit on your helmets?
%%
How come animal shelter workers are paid more than childcare workers?
%%
How come black cows eat green grass and give white milk on a dark night
 following a blue day?
%%
How come every time you go to the emergency room of a hospital they got
 foreign doctors from India there? I don't want to put my life in the hands
 of any doctor who believes in reincarnation. Give me a good old-fashioned
 American doc who'll make sure you live to pay that bill!
 -- Glen (Mr. Bullhorn) Super
%%
How come girls with the most streamlined shapes offer the most resistance?
%%
How come he didn't put `I think' at the end of it?
 -- James P. Hogan
%%
How come I can never find Troi when I'm angry at her?
%%
How come it happens that junk food always seem to taste better than
 healthful food?
%%
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some
 fireworks out the window?  It would make the whole takeoff look more
 impressive.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
How come nobody ever tampers with Spam?
%%
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
%%
How come Smokey the Bear and his wife never had any kids?
....`cause every time she'd get hot,
he'd hit her over the head with a shovel.
%%
How come the AT&T symbol looks like the Death Star?
%%
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?  It has
 more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
How come there aren't any Air Force-Marine surplus stores?
%%
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
 -- Nigel Rees
%%
How come they call it "prime time," when we really do not have anything
 better to do than watch television? What this society needs is a few less
 channels and not quite so many flavors of ice cream, or for that matter,
 fewer flavors of bubble gum and pop corn. Life is simply getting too
 confusing.
%%
How come they made up all the rules before I got here?
%%
How come this jacket they gave me doesn't have sleeves?
%%
How come we never talk anymore?
%%
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then
 you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
 -- Rita Rudner
%%
How come women aren't in the NHL? The guys would rather CHECK them out.
%%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%%
How come you are so good at finding excuses?
%%
How come you never see a politician laugh? Because they
know what they're getting away with, and if they started
laughing, they'd never stop.
%%
How commentators each dark passage shun,
And hold their farthing candle to the sun.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Love of Fame, Satire vii, Line 97
%%
How complicated can it be? A loop's a loop isn't it?
%%
How could Brigham Young be against sex?
%%
How could I have downloaded a virus?!?!  It said NO CARRIER
%%
How could they possibly be Japanese planes?
 -- Admiral Husband E. Kimmel
%%
"How could you tell?"
 -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), on being told
 -- of the death of President Coolidge
%%
How cruelly sweet are the echoes that start
When memory plays an old tune on the heart!
 -- Eliza Cook (1817-1889)
 -- Old Dobbin
%%
"How dare they jail me!  Those freedom-loving American JERKS!"
 -- Godless Commie Scientist from ATOMIC MAN COMICS
%%
How dare you! I am Rondon! You despicable Melonoid slime worm! Liar!
 -- Rondon to Wesley, "Coming of Age", stardate 41416.2
%%
How dear to this heart are the scenes of my childhood,
When fond recollection presents them to view.
 -- Samuel Woodworth (1785-1842)
 -- The Old Oaken Bucket
%%
How did BEN SANSING get into my tagline?
%%
How did Bill and Hillary meet in college?   By dating the same woman.
%%
How did Biot arrive at the partial differential equation?
[the heat conduction equation] . . . Perhaps Laplace gave Biot
the equation and left him to sink or swim for a few years in
trying to derive it.  That would have been merely an instance
of the way great mathematicians since the very beginnings of
mathematical research have effortlessly maintained their
superiority over ordinary mortals.
 -- Clifford Truesdell
%%
How did I get along WITHOUT DESQview?
%%
How did I get round from eating square meals?
%%
How did the great rivers and seas gain dominion over the hundred
lesser streams?  By being lower than they.
 -- Lao Tzu
%%
How did the North win the Civil War?
The South kept throwing sticks of dynamite, but the Yankees kept
lighting it and throwing it back.
%%
"How did the poet Mayakovsky die?"
"Suicide."
"What were his last words?"
"'Don't shoot, comrades!'"
%%
How did they die?
They died well.
 -- K'Nera and Worf, "Heart of Glory", stardate 41503.7
%%
How did they get O.J. to confess? They squeezed it out of him.
%%
How did this ugly woman get in my bed?
%%
"How did you find the weather when you were on vacation?"

"Just went outside and there it was."
%%
How did you get here? Wiggle off the hook?
%%
How did you like command.
Comfortable chair.
And you wore it well.
 -- Riker, Worf, and K'Ehleyr, "The Emissary", stardate 42901.3
%%
How dieth the wise man? As the fool.
%%
How difficult it is to save the bark of reputation from the rocks
of ignorance.
 -- Petrarch
%%
How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.
%%
How DO boneless chickens walk?
%%
How do DEC repairmen change a flat tire?
They replace each tire until they find the flat one.
%%
How does a blonde kill a bird?  She throws it off of a cliff
%%
How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
            With lubricant. (But how does she get into the light bulb?)
%%
How does a guy grow a goat cheese?
 -- Stephanie Cinocco, 24 March 93
%%
How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
He changes the domain.
%%
How does a leader give proof of prowess in a place where a man was
observed to stand all of one morning waiting for a pear on a private
tree to be blown off by a wind into the street, thereby becoming
public property?
%%
How does an engineer change a light bulb?
As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters,
he doesn't !
%%
How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time.
 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%%
How does Dr. Ruth actually know when she is getting an obscene phone call?
%%
How does getting up at 4AM resemble a pig's tail?
It's "twirly"!
%%
How does it feel to be a tap dancer in the canoe of life?
%%
How does it feel?
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown?
%%
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
%%
How does one conduct great enterprises in a city where people trail
oxen with a broom and pan in hopes of getting a free surprise?
%%
How does one distinguish these two statements from each other?
'I don't make the laws, I just enforce them.'
'I vus only followink orders.'
%%
How does one expect the unexpected?
%%
How does one go about making an ordinary lemon drop? The best technique
 seems to be to shake the tree.
%%
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.
%%
How does Ramen blow up?
 -- Curt George Siffert, 29 Dec 92
%%
How does stimulation of the olfactory nerves affect the enjoyment of sex?
 -- Data, "Angel One", stardate 41636.9
%%
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
%%
How does the poet speak to men with power, but by being still more
a man than they?
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Burns, Edinburgh Review, 1828
%%
"How does this sound..?  `Stop, or I'll stand very,
very still for a surprisingly long time!'"
 -- the Secret Origin of Legion of Substitute Heroes
%%
How do frogs die ? They Ker-mit suicide.
%%
How do humans manage to exist in these fragile cases?
%%
How do I combat an enemy who fails to register on any scanner, until
  they're literally standing in front of you, pointing a phaser at
  your head?
 -- Alexana Devos, "The High Ground", stardate 43510.7
%%
How do I despise thee?
Let me count the ways.
1,2,3,4,5,....,12567343,12567344,...
%%
How do I explain to clients that society believes buying a rock (of
 cocaine) is three or four times as bad as raping a woman?
 -- Robert Jakovitch, Broward [FL] Assistant Public Defender
     [from AP story 12 July 1990]
%%
How do I get HOME?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How do I get my words to RIME ?
%%
How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.
%%
How do I set my Laser Printer to "Stun"?
%%
How do I set my phaser to "tickle?"
%%
How do I spell "relief"?  E-X-L-A-X.
%%
How do I think the President will handle the budget deficit? I think he
 will issue Quayle bonds - no interest, no maturity.
%%
How do I turn the other cheek without getting up?
%%
How do Jane Fonda & Bill Clinton differ?  Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
%%
How do make a cat float? Start with two scoops of cat...
%%
How do parents know about those things they advise against?
%%
How do restaurants which feature home cooking get it to you while it is
 still hot?
%%
How do the Japanese do it? Because we let them.
%%
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
%%
How do they get the deer to cross right at the sign?
%%
How do those guys pee with their pants on backwards?
%%
How doth the little crocodile
 Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
    On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
    How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
 With gently smiling jaws!
 -- Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland
%%
How doth the VAX's C-compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear all their clothes to rags.
%%
How do vampires say "V" without shredding their lips?
%%
How do we come to think of things, rather than of processes
in this absolute flux?  By shutting our eyes to the successive
events.  It is an artificial attitude that makes sections in
the stream change, and calls them things...
When we shall know the truth of things, we shall realise how
absurd it is for us to worship isolated products of the incessant
series of transformations as though they were eternal and real.
Life is no thing or state of a thing, but a continuous movement
or change.
 -- S. Radhakrishnan
%%
How do ya spell CAT?
%%
How do you accomplish anything at all when the city treasury is so
bare that the addition of one coin will double its contents?
%%
How do you attach a tag line so it'll stay?
%%
How do you bare it, this loneliness?
%%
How do you break a Clinton supporter's finger? Punch him in the nose.
%%
How do you change a blonde's mind? Buy her another beer.
%%
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.
%%
How do you convert a circuit to a calculus microchip?  INTEGRATE!!!
%%
How do you cure a woman of Nymphomania? Marry her!
%%
How do you determine the sex of a computer?
%%
"How do you do your squid?"
"Fine.     How do _you_ do, sir?"
 -- Molly Dodd
%%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
 -- Elliot, "E.T."
%%
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
 It's th' MOUSTACHE...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
 SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?  It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
 HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How do you feel about wasting other people's time?
%%
How do you feel about women's rights?
 I like either side of them.
 -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
%%
"How do you feel?"
"Like a military academy; bits of me keep on passing out."
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun."
 -- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
%%
How do you get 1000 babies into a Volkswagen? A Pitch Fork.
%%
"How do you get all those coins?"  "IN PAIRS."
%%
How do you get a manic-depressive out of a tree?  Cut the rope.
%%
How do you get cat hair out of a hard drive?
%%
How do you get Schrodinger's Cat _into_ the box?
%%
How do you give Rush Limbaugh an enema?  There's no end to the a$$hole!
%%
How do you go from where you are to where you want to be?  I think
you have to have an enthusiasm for life.  You have to have a dream, a
goal, and you have to be willing to work for it.
 -- Jim Valvano
%%
How do you keep a fool in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
%%
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
%%
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
%%
How do you kill a fag? A put a mole in his hamster cage.
%%
HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M A NEW USER?
%%
How do you know it's summer in Seattle? The rain's warmer.
%%
How do you know that electrons are political?
Because you can never determine their exact position.
%%
How do you know when a JAP had an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
%%
How do you know when love is gone ? If you said that you would be there
at seven and you get there by nine, and he or she has not called the
police yet, - it's gone.
 -- Marlene Dietrich
%%
How do you know you are not immortal untill you die.
%%
How do you know your elephant had her period?
There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
%%
 How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand
 the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
 if I touch this...  YOW!
 -- Answering machine madness - machine theme
%%
How do you like the new America?   We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
lucky to escape with our skins!
%%
How do you make a cat go moo?  Ask it "Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?"
%%
How do you make a dog meow?  Freeze it, grab a bandsaw, and MEEEEOW...
%%
How do you make a quick skeleton?  Put a leper in a wind tunnel.
%%
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder.
%%
How do you plant seedless grapes?!
%%
How do you pronounce my name?   With reverence.
%%
How do you put 500 bugs in a matchbox? Ask Ashton-Tate.
%%
How do you slow down a lead guitarist?  Sheet music..
%%
How do YOU spell computer?
%%
How do you spell RELIEF?  DISK_SPACE!
%%
How do you spell relief?  OS/2!
%%
How do you spot a leader? They come in all ages, shapes and conditions.
Some are poor administrators, some are not overly bright. One clue:
the true leader can be recognized because somehow his people consistently
turn in superior performances.
 -- Robert Townsend
%%
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards.
%%
How do you stop volcanos from erupting?
Give them earth control pills.
%%
How do you straighten a bent pipe? Bend it!
%%
How do you stun a Klingon? Give 'em the bill for all that ghak they ate.
%%
How do you tell the blind man in a nudist camp?
It's not hard.
 -- Heard on a local radio station
%%
How do you tell the difference between an electrical fire and a chemical
fire? You use a fire distinguisher, of course.
 -- Dave Ascher
%%
How do you tell the difference between a white owl and a gay owl?
The white owl says "Who, Who".
   The gay owl says "Yoowho, Yoowho".
%%
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
%%
How do you tickle a JAP?
Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.
%%
How do you uncover greatness in a city so poor that a man will provoke
another man into an argument just so that his donkey can be eating
the other man's grass while they argue?
%%
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
%%
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use,--
As tho' to breathe were life!
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Ulysses
%%
How'd we ever get this far?
%%
Howd'ya hide money from a Hippie?  Put it under the soap!
%%
Howdyall!
%%
Howdy Data!  Howrya'll doin?! <*slap*> <*CLICK*> <*clunk*>.
%%
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
%%
"How eccentric can we be if we live in a place like Lexington?"
 -- Boston Globe article on The High Tech Set
%%
Howe'er it be, it seems to me,
  'T is only noble to be good.
Kind hearts are more than coronets,
  And simple faith than Norman blood.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Lady Clara Vere de Vere, Stanza 7
%%
However deceitful hope may be, she carries us on pleasantly to
the end of life.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
"However, due to terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire
invasion fleet was swallowed by a small dog."
 -- HGttG
%%
However, if you must use a foreign term, it is de
   rigor to spell it correctly.
 -- Writing Rule 23
%%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
 -- Tom K. Ryan
%%
However old you are, our probability of death within the next hour
is never equal to one;
there is therefore no final barrier that we will encounter.
 -- A Jacquard
%%
However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise.
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious
beliefs.  There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than
Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.
But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf
should be used sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing
throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom.
They are trying to force government leaders into following their position
100 percent.  If you disagree with these religious groups on a
particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of
money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and tired of the political
preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be
a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D."  Just who do
they think they are?  And from where do they presume to claim the
right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more angry as
a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who
thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every
step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all
Americans in the name of "conservatism."
 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981
%%
However well you do [in your Tripos exams] you always find there's someone
 from Trinity who's beaten you.
%%
  How fading are the joys we dote upon!
  Like apparitions seen and gone.
  But those which soonest take their flight
Are the most exquisite and strong,--
  Like angels' visits, short and bright;
Mortality 's too weak to bear them long.
 -- John Norris (1657-1711)
 -- The Parting
%%
How far high failure overleaps the bounds of low success.
 -- Lewis Morris
%%
How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a naughty world.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act. v, Sc. 1
%%
How fast can a woman go?
68; when she does 69 she blows a rod!
%%
How fleet is a glance of the mind!
  Compared with the speed of its flight
The tempest itself lags behind,
  And the swift-winged arrows of light.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Verses supposed to be written by Alexander Selkirk
%%
How forcible are right words!
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job vi, 25
%%
How gaily a man wakes in the morning to watch himself keep on dying.
 -- Henry S. Haskins
%%
How gladly would I meet
Mortality my sentence, and be earth
Insensible! how glad would lay me down
As in my mother's lap!
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book x, Line 775
%%
How glorius a greeting the sun gives the mountains!  To behold this alone is
worth the pains of any excursion a thousand times over.
 -- John Muir
%%
How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an
enemy.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
How good is man's life, the mere living! how fit to employ
All the heart and the soul and the senses forever in joy!
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Saul, ix
%%
How goodly are thy tents, O Jacob, and thy tabernacles, O Israel!
 -- Old Testament
 -- Numbers xxiv, 5
%%
How happy could I be with either,
Were t' other dear charmer away!
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- The Beggar's Opera, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
How happy is he born or taught,
  That serveth not another's will;
Whose armour is his honest thought,
  And simple truth his utmost skill!
 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
 -- The Character of a Happy Life
%%
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Eloisa to Abelard, Line 207
%%
How happy the life unembarrassed by the cares of business!
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 725
%%
How hard to realize that every camp of men or beast has this glorious
starry firmament for a roof! In such places standing alone on the
mountain-top it is easy to realize that whatever special nests we make -
leaves and moss like the marmots and birds, or tents or piled stone - we
all dwell in a house of one room - the world with the firmament for its
roof - and are sailing the celestial spaces without leaving any track.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
How he lies in his rights of a man!
Death has done all death can.
And absorbed in the new life he leads,
He recks not, he heeds
Nor his wrong nor my vengeance; both strike
On his senses alike,
And are lost in the solemn and strange
Surprise of the change.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- After
%%
How high I am
How much I see
How far I reach
Depends on me
%%
How idiotic civilization is! Why be given a body if you have to keep it
shut up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?
 -- Katherine Mansfield
%%
How I drank a case of beer. by I. P. Freely.
%%
   How I love C! The only language where
main(){ puts("hello, world!"); }   is equivalent to
int i;main(){for(;i["]<i;++i){--i;}"];read('-'-'-',i+++"hell\
o, world!\n",'/'/'/'));}read(j,i,p){write(j/p+p,i---j,i/i);}
%%
How immense appear to us the sins that we have not committed.
%%
How index-learning turns no student pale,
Yet holds the eel of science by the tail.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book i, Line 279
%%
How infinitely superior to our physical senses are those of the mind! The
spiritual eye sees not only rivers of water but of air. It sees the
crystals of the rock in rapid sympathetic motion, giving enthusiastic
obedience to the sun's rays, then sinking back to rest in the night. The
whole world is in motion to the center. So also sounds. We hear only
woodpeckers and squirrels and the rush of turbulent streams. But
imagination gives us the sweet music of tiniest insect wings, enables us to
hear, all around the world, the vibration of every needle, the waving of
every bole and branch, the sound of stars in circulation like particles in
the blood. The Sierra canyons are full of avalanche debris - we hear them
boom again, and we read the past sounds from present conditions. Again we
hear the earthquake rock-falls. Imagination is usually regarded as a
synonym for the unreal. Yet is true imagination healthful and real, no more
likely to mislead than the coarse senses. Indeed, the power of imagination
makes us infinite.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
%%
How is Dan Quayle like Millard Fillmore? They are both Vice Presidents who
 didn't live in this century.
%%
How is it possible to expect that mankind will take advice, when they will
 not so much as take warning?
 -- Jonathan Swift
%%
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist
 and shirt size?
 -- Woody Allen
%%
How is the Empire?
 -- George V, 21 January 1936.
%%
How is 't with you,
That you do bend your eye on vacancy?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
How it is that our memory is able to retain the least triviality
that happens to us,
and yet not good enough to recollect
how often we have told it to the same person?
 -- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%%
How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures
involving quantum mechanics. All of thy geometry, Herr Planck, is
fairly hard...
 -- pi mnemonic
%%
How I wish I could recollect of circle round
  The exact relation Archimede unwound.
[Pi]
%%
How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise
and of good will.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
How I Won The Marathon: Randy Hoelway
%%
How little you know about the age in which you
 live, if you figure that honey is sweeter than cash in hand.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
How long before we're as dumb as computers?
%%
How long can I stay away before it's too late to come back?
%%
How long does a lawyer need to PRACTICE before he gets it right?
%%
"How long does getting thin take?" Pooh asked anxiously.
 -- A. A. Milne
%%
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time
to compile all the libraries.
%%
 -- How long does it take
     a DEC repairman
 -- to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.
%%
How long do you think it would take to cook Barney?
%%
How long halt ye between two opinions?
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Kings xviii, 21
%%
How long have you stopped beating your wife?
%%
How long is a short story?
%%
How long will a floating point operation float?
%%
How long will it be before we all "just get in the way?"
%%
How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.
 -- Pryor's Observation
%%
How lov'd, how honour'd once avails thee not,
To whom related, or by whom begot;
A heap of dust alone remains of thee:
'T is all thou art, and all the proud shall be!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- To the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady, Line 71
%%
"Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!"
 -- The University of Wallamaloo Philosophy Dept. Sketch, via Monty Python
%%
 -- How many
    academics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the
mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one
to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student
to do the work.
%%
 -- How many
    academics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's what research students are for.
%%
 -- How many
    accountants
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-just assume it's changed.
%%
 -- How many
    accountants
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
%%
How many acrylics died to make that sweater?
%%
 -- How many
    actors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a
stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.
%%
 -- How many
    actors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to
stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
%%
 -- How many
    actors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
%%
 -- How many
    actors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the
big deal, I could have done that."
%%
 -- How many
    actresses
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's
hotel room.
%%
How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if
the disputants had dared to define their terms?
 -- Aristotle
%%
 -- How many
    admin assistants
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb
design change request form.
%%
 -- How many
    aerobics instructors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there
going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to
the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and
put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the
right, and to the right..."
%%
 -- How many
    aerospace engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
%%
 -- How many
    African Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to
burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do
it.
%%
 -- How many
    African Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac
in tight circles.
%%
How many ages hence
Shall this our lofty scene be acted over
In states unborn and accents yet unknown!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
 -- How many
    Aggies
 -- does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
%%
 -- How many
    aides
 -- does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    AI game-playing people
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five.
One to design a 2-player game tree with the robot as one player and the
lightbulb as the other.
One to write a minimax search algorithm that assumes optimal play on the
part of the lightbulb.
One to build special purpose hardware to enable 24-ply search.
One to enter the robot in a human lightbulb changing tournament.
One to state categorically that lightbulb changing is no longer considered AI.
%%
 -- How many
    Alaskan men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it.
[bitter laugh]
%%
 -- How many
    Alaskan women
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out
over here."
%%
 -- How many
    alchemists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
%%
 -- How many
    alien life forms
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know that!
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.conspiracy readers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for
the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati,
one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker
to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday
burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was
telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted
Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other
people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.fan.pratchett readers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing
footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to
ask if that's really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then
to realise that the speed of light can't be measured, except
in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it
and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the
hedgehog song...
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same
way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis
Effect (which is actually pretty negligible).
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Furrfu ! Note: - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in
Rot-13 (a simple but commonly-used cipher that helps
protect the unwary against unwanted exposure to sexual,
vulgar, or other offensive language).
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody
around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into
the Guinness Book of World Records.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and
pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel
room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the
light bulb went.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, who'll do it for food.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.folklore.urban readers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Two-fifty.
%%
 -- How many
    alto sax players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David
Sanborn would've done it.
%%
 -- How many
    alt.pagan.* group readers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb
None. Torches are more traditional.
23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their
family tradition regarding light bulbs is more justified
and ancient than anyone else's.
%%
 -- How many
    American college football players
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the
Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support
for it) Note: The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the
supposed best overall college football player each
season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was
formerly the University of Oklahoma football coach, one
of the winningest ever. The joke relates to the fact
that the school's publicity department has as much, if
not more, to do with getting the Heisman than the
player's actual ability.
(Commentary from another American! Not exactly... OU has
had a few Heisman trophy winners, but only one of them
when Switzer was head coach (thus the joke's really not
that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes,
former head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo
Schembechler, former Michigan head coach, it might be
more humorous.)
%%
 -- How many
    American college football players
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit
for it!
%%
 -- How many
    American footballers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
%%
 -- How many
    American Imperialist Pigs
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the
cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one
that isn't defective.
Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic
joke.
%%
 -- How many
    Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate
whether it it was politically correct.
%%
 -- How many
    Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental
impact statement.
%%
 -- How many
    Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough
light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
%%
 -- How many
    Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out
(in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
%%
 -- How many
    American standup comedians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was
flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling
me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use
their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's
Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating
Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....
%%
 -- How many
    American wrestlers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the
floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act
real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last
minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and
round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black
and white stripey uniform whose function is never made
quite clear to protest about something or other, to the
complete indifference of the bulb changers.
5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
%%
How many amino acids can dance on the head of a pin?
%%
 -- How many
    Amish
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
Note: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania
Dutch", who mostly (though not exclusively) live in
southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted for their religion.
They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using
such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and
indeed often look and act as if they were time travelers from
the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and
buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant
immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration
people misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for
nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE
PA every year, where they often have a chance to sample their
sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.
%%
 -- How many
    Amish
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's
against the will of God.
Note: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania
Dutch", who mostly (though not exclusively) live in
southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted for their religion.
They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using
such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and
indeed often look and act as if they were time travelers from
the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and
buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant
immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration
people misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for
nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE
PA every year, where they often have a chance to sample their
sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.
%%
 -- How many
    amoebas
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......
%%
 -- How many
    anarchists
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of them.
%%
 -- How many
    anarchists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
Note: An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do
for theirself. Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them.
Or, none of them. Or several." (BTW, I prefer "theirself" to
any other construction.)
%%
 -- How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
It depends on the dance step.
%%
 -- How many angels can you get into a Honda?
Not one is excluded, according to
Scripture, "All in one Accord." (Whew! I did that again. Oh, how awful!)
%%
 -- How many
    anglers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have
been this big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely
enough!
%%
 -- How many
    Ann Arborites
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the
University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal
reputation.
%%
 -- How many
    antelopes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and
wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial
light source.
%%
 -- How many
    antibiotics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.
%%
 -- How many
    ants
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know but I bet it would take a whole lot.
%%
 -- How many
    AOL users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. One screws in the light bulb, but seven more do
too, due to a software bug.
%%
 -- How many
    AOL users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb gif mailing
list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a
message asking for the intructions on how to view a
light bulb.
Note: If you don't beleive me, see the
alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels,
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex
newsgroups and you will see threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s
long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be put on
non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists. Internet folklore
tells us that all the gits are on AOL. The software
they're using is only partly to blame.
%%
 -- How many
    AOL users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch
him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
%%
 -- How many
    APL hackers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There's a primitive for that.
Note: I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure
that is included as a part of the language. You don't have to
write code ("hack") to do it.
%%
 -- How many
    Apple and IBM nuts
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're
arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will
use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the
bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd
arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not
the function is exponential is not known.
%%
 -- How many
    Apple employees
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
%%
 -- How many
    Apple programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be
obsolete in six months anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    Aquarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to
change the bulb and bring light to the world.
%%
 -- How many
    Aquarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop
asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really
totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
%%
 -- How many
    Aquarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
%%
 -- How many
    Arabs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it
was burnt out in the first place.
%%
 -- How many
    archaeologists does
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the
old one is.
%%
 -- How many
    Argentinians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
9000 and its their light bulb
%%
 -- How many
    Arians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
%%
 -- How many
    Arians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Arians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)
%%
 -- How many
    A&R men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one,
but I liked it better without the light bulb."
%%
 -- How many
    A&R men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We're not changing any light bulbs at the
moment."
%%
 -- How many
    armies
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up
really easily after only trying for a little while, the
Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from
the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off
and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out
of the ordinary is happening.
%%
 -- How many
    Army Generals
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It takes
1,300,001! Oh, it only takes on man to put the new light bulb in, but it
takes the others to get the country back to the place where they can use
the light again.
%%
 -- How many
    art directors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    Asians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
%%
How many Assholes are on this ship anyways?
%%
 -- How many
    assholes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, assholes never see the light anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    astronomers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    atheists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?
%%
 -- How many
    atheists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    atheists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're never in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much
better it was in the Sixties.
%%
 -- How many
    Australians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and
say "Good on yer, mate!"
%%
 -- How many
    Australians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
%%
 -- How many
    Australians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the
beers.
%%
 -- How many
    auto mechanics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for
more bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    auto mechanics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one
that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to
replace the whole socket.
%%
 -- How many
    Ayatollahs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.
%%
How many babies can a motherboard have?
%%
 -- How many
    baby boomers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come
together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for
the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one
to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one
to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic
rock.
%%
 -- How many
    baby sitters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
%%
 -- How many
    bailiffs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to
stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
%%
 -- How many
    banjo players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
%%
 -- How many
    bankers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember
the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a
bit...)
%%
 -- How many
    bankers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are
full of burned-out light bulbs?
%%
 -- How many
    baseball owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like being in the dark ages.
%%
 -- How many
    BASIC programmers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
%%
 -- How many
    bassists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists
who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
%%
 -- How many
    bassists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    bassists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
%%
 -- How many
    bassists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
%%
 -- How many
    BATF agents
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Note: BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms,
responsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !)
Branch Davidians siege in spring 1993.
Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then
surround the house when it rebuffs them.
%%
 -- How many
    BATF agents
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Note: BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms,
responsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !)
Branch Davidians siege in spring 1993.
It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
%%
 -- How many
    Bavarian Illuminati
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
%%
 -- How many
    Bayesians/subjectivists
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
As many as you think it takes.
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian
inference (and about the subjectivity inherent in "classical"
inference) since then -- so spare us the flames about the
misperceptions on which the above joke is based.
%%
 -- How many
    Belgians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
%%
 -- How many
    believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
%%
 -- How many
    Bell Labs Vice Presidents
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it
usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
%%
 -- How many
    Bell Labs Vice Presidents
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee (binary only).
%%
 -- How many
    Beverly hills realtors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
Note: Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke
referes to the many arabs who are moving to high-class
neigbourhoods in the United States.
%%
 -- How many
    Beverly Hills residents
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have a service come in and do that.
%%
 -- How many
    big black monoliths
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
%%
 -- How many
    big black monoliths
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Note: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space
Odyssey. It's more the book, actually. That and "The Lost
Worlds of 2001" should help illuminate this one. The big
black monoliths, according to the books, are meant to help
man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but more
explicitly stated in the books.
%%
 -- How many
    bikers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick
the switch.
%%
 -- How many
    Bill Clintons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and
gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill,
and blames republicans and special interests for not making
light bulbs free.
%%
 -- How many
    Bill Clintons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None -- He'll only promise "change."
%%
 -- How many
    Bill Clintons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
%%
 -- How many
    blacks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
%%
 -- How many
    blind people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends whether the switch is on or off.
If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any
number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
%%
 -- How many
    blondes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.
%%
 -- How many
    blondes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends how many blondes there are, but some people
prefer it with the lights off.
%%
 -- How many
    blondes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
her.
%%
 -- How many
    blondes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the light bulb, two to spin the ladder.
%%
 -- How many
    blondes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
%%
 -- How many
    blondes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"
%%
 -- How many
    bluegrass musicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change
it again anyway after everybody else is done.
%%
 -- How many
    bluegrass musicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    bluegrass musicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was
the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
%%
 -- How many
    bluegrass musicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is
electrified.
%%
 -- How many
    Blue Peter presenters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and
sticky back plastic.
%%
 -- How many
    Blue Peter presenters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into
an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
%%
 -- How many
    blues musicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb
there and the other to play harp.
%%
 -- How many
    boarding school students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have their parents do it for them.
%%
 -- How many
    board meetings
 -- does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will
be continued next week. Meanwhile...
%%
 -- How many
    Boddhisattvas
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
%%
 -- How many
    body builders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge
muscles !"
%%
 -- How many
    Borg
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them.
%%
 -- How many
    Borg
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just assimilate the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    Borg
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  All of them.
%%
 -- How many
    Branch Davidians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they provide their own illumination.
Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for
him to stand on.
%%
 -- How many
    Bratzlaver Chasidim
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
first one.
%%
 -- How many
    brewers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    British navy Officers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
%%
 -- How many
    British trades unionists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable
right to withdraw its labour.
%%
 -- How many
    Brown students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the
experience.
%%
 -- How many
    Buffalonians
 -- does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to
screw it in.
%%
 -- How many
    builders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but I'll 'ave to take out yer rafters and 'ave a go at
yer damp an'all missus. Gi's a week or two and I'll drop
round some numbers.
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to
fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she
finally finishes screwing it up.
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, we contract out for things like that.
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize
a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file
the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the
requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent
to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a
clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity
to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality
standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with
local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage
personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to
screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
%%
 -- How many
    bureaucrats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
%%
 -- How many
    cabbage patch dolls
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls
even if you knew how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage
patch dolls
%%
 -- How many
    cafeteria staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
%%
 -- How many
    Californians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
%%
 -- How many
    Californians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
%%
 -- How many
    Californians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and
discuss the environmental impact.
%%
 -- How many
    Californians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share
the experience.
%%
 -- How many
    Californians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
%%
 -- How many
    Canadians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes
it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they
all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite
all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch
his moose moult.
%%
 -- How many
    Canadians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
%%
 -- How many
    Canadians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to
decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain
that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native
Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians
have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action
Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been
underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to
the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and
not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it
in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the
government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
%%
 -- How many
    Canadian sex murderers
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
[punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication
ban; e-mail list maintainer]
%%
 -- How many
    Cancerians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
%%
 -- How many
    Cancerians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grief process.
%%
 -- How many
    Cancerians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with
the problem.
%%
 -- How many
    Capricorns
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
%%
 -- How many
    Capricorns
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Capricorns can't afford new light bulbs - unless
they're a legitimate business expense.
%%
 -- How many
    Capricorns
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to
burn out again tomorrow anyway.
%%
How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to
be someone.
 -- Coco Chanel
%%
 -- How many
    Carl Sagans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
%%
 -- How many
    carpenters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
%%
 -- How many
    cataloguers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
%%
 -- How many
    cats
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the
light you need.
%%
 -- How many
    CD player users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting
stustustustustustustustustustuck
%%
 -- How many
    censors
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[deleted]
%%
 -- How many
    "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't figured
that out yet.
%%
howmanycharactersdoyouthinkyoucanfitintoonetaglineanyway?
%%
 -- How many
    chess computers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en
passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move
whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some
pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of
the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate
in seven.
%%
 -- How many
    chess grandmasters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do
all the analysis.
%%
 -- How many
    chess grandmasters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are too "Short".
%%
 -- How many
    chickens
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides
it isn't going to hatch.
%%
 -- How many
    chickens
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
%%
 -- How many
    chickens
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
%%
 -- How many
    Chinamen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
%%
 -- How many
    Chinese Red Guards
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
%%
 -- How many
    Chinese students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one to sit in the
jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
%%
 -- How many
    chiropractors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes nine visits.
%%
 -- How many
    Christian fundamentalists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    Christian Scientists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old
one to go back on.
%%
 -- How many
    Christians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it
to see the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out
to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told,
their light might go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of
darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in
"the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together
in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup
to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble
paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change
our beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins
so the lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot telling the
light bulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do
is accept some paper god and pledge it 10 percent of its income and
at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug
5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really
- gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the
light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just
"testing" the light bulb, then it may stay dark forever.
%%
 -- How many
    Christians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
%%
 -- How many
    Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
light bulb to Iran.
%%
 -- How many
    circus performers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get
ready, and four to go!
%%
 -- How many
    circus performers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
%%
 -- How many
    city planners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the
newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub
instead.
%%
 -- How many
    civil servants
 -- does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
%%
 -- How many
    classical music singers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on
my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
%%
 -- How many
    'Cliffie girls
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
Note: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that
used to be where women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since
then it has earned a reputation for militant feminism as it
has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed
failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.
%%
 -- How many
    CND supporters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They won't, because:
o "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written
on it!"
o "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to
a brighter one, so where will it all end?"
o "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire
world three times over."
o "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as
anyone is hungry anywhere."
o "We don't know what effect all this artificial light
will have on the future of mankind."
o "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just
haven't learned to husband it yet."
o "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
o "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no
electricity."
o "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to
provide light to all Americans, without regard to race,
age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion),
religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or
need."
%%
 -- How many
    college students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
%%
 -- How many
    Columbia students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest
the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
a counter-protest.
%%
How many "coming people" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
%%
 -- How many
    Communists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.
%%
 -- How many
    Communists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
%%
 -- How many
    company biotechnologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    computer journalists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so
you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a
remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a
third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months
later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint
in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is
coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb
is shipping with a virus.
%%
 -- How many
    computer salespeople
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you need to upgrade your
socket to the '486 version.
%%
 -- How many
    computer science students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are far too busy hacking.
%%
 -- How many
    computer security experts
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb.
If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one,
but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a
B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a
B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book"]
%%
 -- How many
    conductors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect
you to understand.
%%
 -- How many
    congressmen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study
the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised.
A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from
minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb.
Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing
the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned
to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb.
Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times
as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue
a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known
to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives.
The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the
Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American
naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of
over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot
afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give
a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate
a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every
congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how
he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
%%
 -- How many
    Conservative economists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely
getting brighter !!!
%%
 -- How many
    Conservative economists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
%%
 -- How many
    Conservative economists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the
conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show
growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
%%
 -- How many
    conservatives
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
previous bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    consultants
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
%%
 -- How many
    consultants
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
%%
How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
%%
 -- How many
    contrabassoon players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the
fingerings.
%%
 -- How many
    Contras
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four
Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and
Oliver North to help him.
%%
 -- How many
    Contras
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
%%
 -- How many
    cops
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
%%
 -- How many
    cops
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it fell down the stairs, sir.
%%
 -- How many
    cops
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
%%
 -- How many
    copyeditors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The last time this question was asked, it involved art
directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the
other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
%%
 -- How many
    Cornell students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the
pressure.
%%
 -- How many
    Cosmopolitan readers
 -- does it take to change a
light-bulb?
Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm
with the old one.
%%
 -- How many
    country & western singers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is
at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love
she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw
his hat in the air.
%%
 -- How many
    cover artists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this
light fixture?
%%
 -- How many
    cover blurb writers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
%%
 -- How many
    C++ programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it
is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's
me, over there !"
%%
 -- How many
    C programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
%%
 -- How many
    C++ programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light
bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic
light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light
bulb change message.
%%
 -- How many
    creatures from Altair VII
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his
fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination. (Someone
please tell me what TV programme this is from...)
%%
 -- How many
    cryonicists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead,
one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it
to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred
years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
%%
 -- How many
    dadaists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
%%
 -- How many
    dadaists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Note: The "dadaist" answer, like dadaism itself, goes further
than the surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least
bears the semblance of a relationship to the question, the
dadaist one is the punchline to another joke entirely.
%%
 -- How many
    Daleks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
1,500,000: To conquer a race that can climb ladders for
them.
%%
 -- How many
    Daleks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the
building.
%%
 -- How many
    Dan Quayles
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    Dario Argento fans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old
one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
%%
 -- How many
    Dartmouth students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
%%
 -- How many
    data base people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to
write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a
light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to
change the light bulb at the same time.
%%
 -- How many
    DBMS engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
ALL. Two to support the backend, one to support the frontend, an interface
engineer to screw it up, and the rest to turn the base.
%%
 -- How many
    dead babies
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to
reach the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    Dead-Heads
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow
the burnt-out one!!
%%
 -- How many
    dead politicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
%%
 -- How many
    deaf blind people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the
darkness...
%%
 -- How many
    deconstructionists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it
will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really
hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering
uninterrupted light.
%%
 -- How many
    deconstructionists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You have to examine the nature of the question.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates
are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners
won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in
light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step,
and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my
fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove
this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an
obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this
campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people
resent it.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial
solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light
bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and
Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American
Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or
even paper money to allow them to buy into the American
Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all
Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to
the White House.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened
government has made it unnecessary for people to screw
in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of
former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light
Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your
home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on
only a few months notice.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for
wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But
that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my
media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in
all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did
in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
%%
 -- How many
    Democratic presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is
changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was
made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up
massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw
in here.
%%
 -- How many
    dentists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the
light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink
mouthwash.
%%
 -- How many
    Denver Broncos
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
(also Buffalo Bills)
(Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live
in Buffalo, so it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to
recent Super Bowls. The Broncos have been to four Super
Bowls, and lost three by huge margins-"blowouts". Likewise
the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last
three straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.)
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! Brian.
%%
 -- How many
    developers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
%%
 -- How many
    dinosaurs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos
they have to evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip
the bulb to screw it in. :)
%%
 -- How many
    Directors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. No, five. No, you go away - four. YES! Four! Perfect!
%%
 -- How many
    Directors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you think? (Theatre humour)
%%
 -- How many
    disaster recovery planners
 -- does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup facilities in West
Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already glowing
brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of
failure of the primary bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    divorcees
 -- does it take to change a light bulb ?
None. The sockets all went with the house.
%%
 -- How many
    Dixons assistants
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new
fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
%%
 -- How many
    doctors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to
the surgery later.
%%
 -- How many
    doctors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the
mortuary.
%%
 -- How many
    doctors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo
diazapines.
%%
 -- How many
    doctors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to
screw in.
%%
 -- How many
    doctors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
%%
 -- How many
    doctors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
%%
 -- How many
    dorm residents
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick Question.  Dorm residents don't change them, they steal them.
%%
 -- How many
    Douglas Wilders
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light
bulb in or not!
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate
for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
%%
 -- How many
    DR. ROCKETs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs
NuclEAR WArHead!!
%%
 -- How many
    drummers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
10. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to discuss
how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
%%
 -- How many
    drummers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.
%%
 -- How many
    drummers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only after asking "Why?"
%%
 -- How many
    drummers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One .. Two, and a-one two three four
%%
 -- How many
    drummers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that
they can't just be pushed in.
%%
 -- How many
    drummers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but
only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
%%
 -- How many
    drunk Irishmen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to hold the light bulb, and 99 to drink until the room
starts to spin.
%%
 -- How many
    dull people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
%%
 -- How many
    Dune Coons
 -- does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but
they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.
%%
 -- How many
    Dylan fans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is
blowin' in the wind.
%%
 -- How many
    dyslexics (sp?)
 -- does it take to bulb a like change?
10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to missread the
manual (sp?).
%%
 -- How many
    dyslexics (sp?)
 -- does it take to bulb a like change?
Eno.
%%
 -- How many
    economists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.
%%
 -- How many
    economists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
%%
 -- How many
    economists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    editors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
%%
 -- How many
    editors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
slip to the old bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    editors of Poor Richard's Almanac
 -- does it take to replace a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
Note: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial
Americana, written (pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the
1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty lifestyle in the form
of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice play on
words.
%%
 -- How many
    EEPers
 -- does it take to replace a light bulb?
Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of
the effects on his/her social development relative to
same-age peers who sat around in the dark.
Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of
Washington
%%
 -- How many
    efficiency experts
 -- does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    egotists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
%%
 -- How many
    Einsteins
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the
bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier
to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all
relative.
%%
 -- How many
    election canvassers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time
for a change but the only way this can come about is if
everyone votes for "New light bulb."
%%
 -- How many
    electrical engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
%%
 -- How many
    elephants
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
%%
 -- How many
    elephants
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
%%
 -- How many
    emergency room technicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
%%
 -- How many
    engineering students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
%%
 -- How many
    Englishmen
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb!
We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just
fine.
%%
 -- How many
    Ergonomicists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn,
and...
%%
 -- How many
    Essex Girls
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in Cortinas
%%
 -- How many
    EST followers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what
rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is
allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the
bulb screwing is in progress.
Note: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of
self-esteem-building programme that was popular in the late
1970s. The sessions were as described in the punchline.
%%
 -- How many
    Ethiopians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to
eat the packaging.
%%
 -- How many
    <ethnic> gods
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
%%
 -- How many
    <ethnics>
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
%%
 -- How many
    <ethnics>
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know yet. No <ethnic> has ever tried to attempt
this complex (by <ethnic> standards) technical feat.
%%
 -- How many
    European ballet dancers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like Danzig in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Europeans
 -- does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
Note: This joke was created after the creator saw the movie
2010.
%%
 -- How many
    Evangelists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
collections in the bulb's name.
%%
 -- How many
    evolutionists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
%%
 -- How many
    executives
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
ramifications of the change.
%%
 -- How many
    existentialists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
%%
 -- How many
    experienced computer users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody
week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not
broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It
WAS broken this time you say ? Blush
%%
 -- How many
    EXPLAINORs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because The KILLOR killed him!
%%
 -- How many
    fatalists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    Federal employees
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
%%
 -- How many
    female opera singers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and
agonize about how oppressed the socket is.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a
survivors of darkness support group!
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting
Newt Gingrich cutting off funds for the Federal Light
Bulb Changing Agency...
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the
LB be changed!
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks
are for!
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to
find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket
as he works.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby
Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say
the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream
feminism.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up
to the government or the father to support any children
resulting from such a sexual act. She will also require
free day care for the light bulb children and federal
funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be
treated under affirmative action hiring quotas.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the
net that a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be
banned by the FCC.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and
minorities will suffer more than anyone else because
it's dark.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
NONE! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally
protected right to work in the dark if they choose to.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother
Earth and use a fluorescent lamp designed to last 3
times longer and protect the environment... But if a man
isn't paying for it, then she will use the cheapest one.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump),
she would be able to replace the light bulb much easier.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a
minority or woman contractor.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to change the light bulb, three to protest
the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to
the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket,
and one to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to
research how the white male patriarchy conspires to keep
women and minorities in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10
women-only-government- contractors working 2 years at a
salary of $50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's
traditionally expected for the man to do it.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing
it before it's a third of the way in.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual
harassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the
sexual implications.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
THAT?????!!!!???
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a
really good job.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a
Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how
it feels.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be
unable to provide her children light without federal
assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask the Justice
Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in
the first place.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to
screw it in. Another to file harassment charges against
the men possibly looking at her in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform
will limit the number of free light bulbs a woman can
receive to under 2 years supply.
%%
 -- How many
    feminists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
%%
 -- How many
    field service engineers
 -- does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
%%
 -- How many
    field service engineers
 -- does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software
problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
%%
 -- How many
    field service engineers
 -- does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    fighter pilots
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one because the world revolves around him.
%%
 -- How many
    Filipinoes
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
%%
 -- How many
    fine artists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how
good it looks.
%%
 -- How many
    firemen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
%%
 -- How many
    first-time computer users
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the
electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch
on.
%%
 -- How many
    first year civil engineering students
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.
%%
 -- How many
    fish
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
surrealist.
%%
 -- How many
    flies
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two--but how did they get in there?
%%
 -- How many
    flute players
 -- does it to take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from
under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would
have done it.
%%
 -- How many
    folk-dancers
 -- does it take to change a light-bulb?
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop
everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the
introduction to a dance they want to do.
%%
 -- How many
    folklorists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
%%
 -- How many
    folk singers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old light bulb was.
%%
 -- How many
    football managers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change
it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he
gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
%%
 -- How many
    FORTRAN programs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
%%
 -- How many
    Frank Zappa's
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.
Note: Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles))
commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just
smells funny."
%%
 -- How many
    frat guys
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer
until the room spins.
%%
 -- How many
    frat guys
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
%%
 -- How many
    frat guys
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
%%
 -- How many
    freelance biotechnologists
 -- does it take to change a light
bulb?
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old
one and screw itself in.
%%
 -- How many
    French farmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new light bulb. Farmer
#2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and
promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get
another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported
British sheep.
%%
 -- How many
    French horn players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for
alignment and leaks.
%%
 -- How many
    Freudians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops!
I mean, er, the light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    furfen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb.
One to complain that there was too much erotica in the
previous answer and this one, and that people should come up
with more non-erotic answers because of the impact on public
negativity towards furriness. And the third to explain about
their erotic dreams involving furry light bulb jokes.
Note: furfen = fans of furries. "fen" is a long-used plural
for "fan".
%%
 -- How many
    furries
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb.
Three to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear
clothing which emphasizes curves and musculature, and look
cute and dangerous at the same time.
Note: furries = characters in what's called "furry" science
fiction. Best depicted on cover art; the men look like
bodybuilders, the women are indescribably buxom, and both
wear some version of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes to show as
much skin and musculature as possible.
%%
 -- How many
    games machine programmers
 -- does it take to screw in a
light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he
can put his light-bulb in their socket.
%%
 -- How many
    gardeners
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.
%%
 -- How many
    gardeners
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about
whether this is the right time of year to be putting in
light bulbs or daffodil bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    gas fitters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to
change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of
bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    gay men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's
talk about the shade !
%%
 -- How many
    gay men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
%%
 -- How many
    gay men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff
to remove it!
%%
 -- How many
    gay men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to
shriek "Fabulous!"
%%
 -- How many
    gay men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy
moustache.
%%
 -- How many
    gay rights activists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
%%
 -- How many
    Geminis
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to
be done.
%%
 -- How many
    Geminis
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when
they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak
French, and shine any color you want it to.
%%
 -- How many
    Geminis
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy
of the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Light Bulbs.'
%%
 -- How many
    (Generals/Politicians)
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
%%
 -- How many
    (Generals/Politicians)
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
%%
 -- How many
    (generation) Xers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have
something to screw in and the other to screw it in for
minimum wage.
%%
 -- How many
    Germans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
%%
 -- How many
    Germans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one
to screw it in.
%%
 -- How many
    Germans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
%%
 -- How many
    giraffes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
4, one screw for each of their necks.
%%
 -- How many
    GLC workers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters
announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to
change the light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    gnomes
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
None. The light bulb keeps blowing up.
%%
 -- How many
    gnomes
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
Ohwedon'tuselightbulbsanymoreaswemadevastimprovementsonthat
inventionlongagowhenmyGreatgrandfatherdiscovered...
%%
 -- How many
    gnomes
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
The answer's in committee.
%%
 -- How many
    gorillas
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
%%
 -- How many
    Goths
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    government officials
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme Court - to
determine its constitutionality.
%%
 -- How many
    graduate students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light
bulbs a day.
%%
 -- How many
    graduate students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and
I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he
can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital
question.
%%
 -- How many
    graduate students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It all depends on the size of the grant.
%%
 -- How many
    graduate students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him
to get it done.
%%
 -- How many
    graduate students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two and a professor to take credit.
%%
 -- How many
    Greek gods
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
%%
 -- How many
    Green Party members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't
know how.
%%
 -- How many
    Greenpeace researchers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
%%
 -- How many
    grocery store cashiers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
%%
 -- How many
    guitarists/actors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in and 99 to say, "Oh, I can do
that."
%%
 -- How many
    guitarists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would
have done it a bit differently.
%%
 -- How many
    guitarists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh !
I could've done that !"
%%
 -- How many
    gully dwarves
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
Two. Not more than two.
%%
 -- How many
    gully dwarves
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
What light bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    gully dwarves
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
You sure it's dark?
%%
 -- How many
    gun control advocates
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted
with light bulbs !
%%
 -- How many
    gun control advocates
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out
bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark.
Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't
see.
%%
 -- How many
    gypsies
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and
the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies.
You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the
hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and
the hallway lamp is still out.
%%
 -- How many
    hackers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They use a hammer.
%%
 -- How many
    hardware engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  They always work in the dark!!!!
%%
 -- How many
    hardware engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
%%
 -- How many
     hardware guys
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem.
%%
 -- How many
    Hare Krishnas
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the
tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the
words "Hare Krishna."
%%
 -- How many
    Harvard men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're too good (nose in the air) to do such menial work.
%%
 -- How many
    Harvard/Oxford students
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
%%
 -- How many
    health food freaks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the
ingredients on the new one. (But did they change it for
health or philosophical reasons?)
%%
 -- How many
    Hegelians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues
that it isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says
that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a
synthesis when the bulb gets screwed in.
Note: Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called
dialectics to seek answers to seemingly mutual exclusive
positions. Shortened it is "thesis, antithesis, synthesis".
Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle ground
through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made
light'.
%%
 -- How many
    Heisenbergs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
%%
 -- How many
    Helmsley employees
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who
was a real bitch to work for. She fired employees at little
or no provocation.
%%
 -- How many
    heterosexual males
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
Both of them.
%%
 -- How many
    Hindus
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
Note: PUJA is a religious ceremony.
%%
 -- How many
    hippies from Oregon
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    holocaust revisionists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first
place.
%%
 -- How many
    Holy Clerics of Paladine
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  Paladine lights their path.
%%
 -- How many
    home owners
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes two weekends and four trips to the hardware store.
%%
 -- How many
    Home Secretaries
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
%%
 -- How many
    homophobes
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and
second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the
closet where they belong.
%%
 -- How many
    homophobes
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't
screw around with other men.
%%
 -- How many
    homophobes
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber
gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb
before him.
%%
How many honest words have suffered corruption since Chaucer's days!
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- No Wit, no Help, like a Woman's, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
 -- How many
    Honor Guards
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    hookers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
%%
 -- How many
    hookers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. "Who needs lights?"
%%
 -- How many
    hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
carried by a waiter at a nice party?

Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre.    If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
say:  This is cheese!   I hate cheese!   Then you put the rest of it
back on the tray and bite another one and go, Darn it!   Another
cheese! and so on.
 -- Dave Barry, The Stuff of Etiquette
%%
 -- How many
    humans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button
which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how
many thousand years will be required to rediscover the
technology to manufacture more and replace them.
%%
 -- How many
    humor theorists
 -- does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
%%
 -- How many
    hunters
 -- does it take to screw a light bulb into a left-handed
socket?
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they
could screw right they would not be hunters.
%%
 -- How many
    hunt sabs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off
the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
%%
 -- How many
    husbands
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out
for more bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    husbands
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does
it.
%%
 -- How many
    IBM CPU's
 -- does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the
interrupt.
%%
 -- How many
    IBM engineers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a
feature.
%%
 -- How many
    IBM PC owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb
adaptor card first, which is extra.
%%
 -- How many
    IBM PC owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses
first.
%%
 -- How many
    IBM programmers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
33. One to change the lightbulb and the other 32 to write 14
volumes of documentation of which half consists of pages
containing only "This page left intentionally blank" and the
other half definitions such as " 'bulb' can be defined as a
glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see
volume IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For
Illumination") designed to mate with a housing integral to the
ceiling referred to as a "socket" (see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap
Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets"; if uncertain
of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets - A
Preliminary Identification Guide")"
%%
 -- How many
    IBM staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they add value to photon
emitter units.
%%
 -- How many
    IBM tech writers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System
Facility, of which 10 percent of the pages state only "This page
intentionally left blank", and 20 percent of the definitions are of
the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
%%
 -- How many
    ice skaters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman to club the
other skater on the knee.
%%
 -- How many
    IKEA shop assistans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to
arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just
go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks,
anytime."
%%
 -- How many
    Indiana University "notes" users
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind
of job they can get after they graduate.
%%
 -- How many
    Indiana University "notes" users
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
%%
 -- How many
    inner-city gang members
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb,
one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to
hold his crack pipe while he does it.
%%
 -- How many
    Iranians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house
hostage.
%%
 -- How many
    Iraqis
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
%%
 -- How many
    Iraqi soldiers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
%%
 -- How many
    IRC chatters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each
other off that noone ever has enough time to get anything
done !
%%
 -- How many
    Irishmen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the
house round.
%%
 -- How many
    Islamic fundamentalists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look
for Salman Rushdie in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Israelis
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to
forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
%%
 -- How many
    Italian-Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's
union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club
Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me
once.
%%
 -- How many
    Italians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
(Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling
everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell
convincingly of sick.)
%%
 -- How many
    Japanese industrialists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to
change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of
the old bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    JAPs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaadddy.
%%
 -- How many
    JAPs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, two to watch and one to call Daaaaddy.
%%
 -- How many
    Jehovah's Witnesses
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God
will be replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows
quite when.
%%
 -- How many
    jerks who ask stupid questions
 -- does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Change it to what?
%%
 -- How many
    Jewish mothers in law
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes
out enjoying yourselves.....
%%
 -- How many
    Jewish mothers in law
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't
be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light
bulb for them, and after all they've done for you...
%%
 -- How many
    Jewish mothers in law
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it
behind her back.
%%
 -- How many
    Jewish mothers in law
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's alright. I'll sit in the dark."
%%
 -- How many
    Jews
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to
feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.
%%
 -- How many
    Jocks (disk jockeys)
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a tech job.
Note: That joke is a lot funnier if you know a little bit
about the wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it to
say that it is a highly unionized environment, and there is
always a little friendly (?) bickering between the
technicians and the jocks. :-)
%%
 -- How many
    John Majors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
original bulb in place 17 years ago.
%%
 -- How many
    journalists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to
bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win
a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a
light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
%%
 -- How many
    jugglers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    junkies
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
%%
 -- How many
    junkies
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
%%
 -- How many
    kender
 -- does it take to change a light light bulb?
None.  The light bulb keeps mysteriously falling into the kender's
pouches.
%%
 -- How many
    Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say
that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it,
one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude
that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first
screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was
altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across
the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the
bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being
disinformation specialists.
%%
 -- How many
    Kennedys
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent,
candles-anything you want.
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a
3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month
GE will be coming out .... "
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric
light.
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have
a new model bulb out which is much better.
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds
just like it."
%%
 -- How many
    keyboardists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the
Korg.
%%
 -- How many
    KGB agents
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for
microphones.
%%
 -- How many
    kids
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if you beat them down, douse them with lighter fluid,
and throw them in a fire.
%%
 -- How many
    kindergarden kids
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
%%
 -- How many
    Klingons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Klingons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him
and take the credit.
%%
 -- How many
    knock-knock jokes
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who's there?
%%
 -- How many
    Ku Klux Klansmen
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around
solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
%%
 -- How many
    laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.)
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand
around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
%%
 -- How many
    Labour Party members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
%%
 -- How many
    Lacanians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French
psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with
literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.
%%
 -- How many
    LA cops
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
%%
 -- How many
    law professors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
%%
 -- How many
    law students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the
rulebook gets defenestrated !" and the other to complain
about the hipopotamonstrosesqi (can't remember the end of
this word) end of his friend's last remark.
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to
dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their
time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two
to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
twenty-eight to bill for professional services. (another huge
answer is at the bottom of this file.)
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone
to really screw a bulb...
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the
following bill:
Item                            Light bulb
Charge                           $2185
(Itemization of bill charges)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum)  $ 400
Connectivity charge            $ 100
Staff charge                   $ 250
Secretary prepared bill        $   2
Research fee                   $ 422
Consulting fee                 $ 431
Paralegal processing fees      $  25
Specialized equipment          $ 122
Bought bulb                    $   5
Overnight express delivery     $  34
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge      $ 394
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by
standing up and shouting "Objection !"
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and
one to sue the ladder company.
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently
supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge
that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue
the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.
%%
 -- How many
    lawyers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light
bulb...
%%
 -- How many
    lead singers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Get the drummer to do it.
%%
 -- How many
    Leos
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their
agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're
out.
%%
 -- How many
    Leos
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own
light.
%%
 -- How many
    lesbians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty-nine.
%%
 -- How many
    lesbians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much
better it is than with a man.
%%
 -- How many
    lesbians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary
about it.
%%
 -- How many
    lesbians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the
gynaecologist.
%%
 -- How many
    lexicographers
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
changed it to "light bulb".
%%
 -- How many
    Liberal Democrats
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it
or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question
of...(blah blah waffle)"
%%
 -- How many
    liberals
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already
part of the environment.
%%
 -- How many
    liberals
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the
social, economic, and ethnic communities.
%%
 -- How many
    liberals
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee
from jerking.
%%
 -- How many
    libertarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?

None - the market will take care of it.
%%
 -- How many
    libertarians
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three - one to do it and two to argue whether it's principled to change it.
%%
 -- How many
    libertarians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to
sit in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    libertarians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
%%
 -- How many
    librarians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
%%
 -- How many
    Libras
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make
that two. Is that okay with you?
%%
 -- How many
    Libras
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the
bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just
one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the
person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or...
%%
 -- How many
    Libras
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
%%
 -- How many
    light bulb jokes
 -- does it take to change a light bulb joke?
Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be
submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the
probability that it will have changed detectably since the
last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which
is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever
seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2
or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given
week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to
change a light bulb joke.
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to change a dyslexic?
one. It isN't oo easy.
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's
something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel,
about it being impossible to prove things.)
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Note: A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a
Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer,
or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I
see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel
Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the
mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his
famous theorem, I believe.
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah ???)
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. Note: Many
icons and other religious artworks describe christian saints
and biblical figures glowing with light.
%%
 -- How many
    lightbulbs
 -- does it take to screw in a blonde?
%%
 -- How many
    light bulbs
 -- does it take to screw Netscape?
Four. One for employees of non-profit organisations, one for
students and educators, one for people who can read a license
agreement, one for people who expect a company to keep its
word.
Note: Refers to Netscape Corp., which distributed betas of
their Web browser for free, announcing that the final version
will be free also. Once the final version was out, they changed
their mind. Only for students, educators and employees of
non-profit organisations does it remain free.
%%
 -- How many
    lighting designers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not my job.
%%
 -- How many
    Limbaugh-heads
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering
"ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
%%
 -- How many
    Lisp programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
%%
 -- How many
    Lisp programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Note: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem
LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion.
(cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion)
These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their
standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
%%
 -- How many
    Liverpool supporters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when
the whole city turns up to watch. (Topical to the
Hillsborough disaster.)
%%
 -- How many
    loggers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he uses a chainsaw.
%%
 -- How many
    loggers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note: This is based on recent successful environmentalist
pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the
endangered spotted owl species.
%%
 -- How many
    London taxi drivers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the
way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate !
%%
 -- How many
    LP player users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...
%%
 -- How many
    Lutherans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee of twelve
to talk about how they miss the old one.
%%
 -- How many
    Macintosh engineers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
%%
 -- How many
    Mac owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
%%
 -- How many
    Mac owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the
old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new
light.
%%
 -- How many
    Mac owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
%%
 -- How many
    Mac owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
%%
 -- How many
    Mac owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method
for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on
anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb
changing method.
%%
 -- How many
    Mac owners
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to
insert the new one.
%%
 -- How many
    macrobiotics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and
one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
%%
 -- How many
    Mafia members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the
witness.
%%
 -- How many
    magicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
%%
 -- How many
    Mahayana Buddhists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in
the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and
one to not do any of those.
%%
 -- How many
    maintenance programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.
%%
 -- How many
    male chauvinistic pigs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    male chauvinistic pigs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They have the girls do it.
%%
 -- How many
    managers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
%%
 -- How many
    managing editors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!
%%
 -- How many
    manic-depressives
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between
the new and old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have
a hyphen.)
%%
 -- How many
    Maoists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight
Darkness!"
%%
 -- How many
    marginals
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the
proctologist.
Note: Anyone know what a marginal is or does? It sounds like
a rude reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting
foreign objects in each others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal"
is some regional insulting term for some kind of male
homosexual?
%%
 -- How many
    marketing directors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
%%
 -- How many
    Martians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half. (Is this a science-fiction in-joke?)
%%
 -- How many
    Marxists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
%%
 -- How many
    massage parlor attendants
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
%%
 -- How many
    mathematicians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can
change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have
changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
%%
 -- How many
    mathematicians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
%%
 -- How many
    mathematicians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
%%
 -- How many
    mathematicians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
%%
 -- How many
    maths students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how
exciting it is.
%%
 -- How many
    mechanoids
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. Y'know why? Because they're so stupid!
Note: From the Red Dwarf episode where Kryten became human.
%%
 -- How many
    medflies
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: they do it in the fruit.
%%
 -- How many
    medical students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
%%
 -- How many
    members of the England cricket team
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the
new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing
something out of his pocket into it.
%%
 -- How many
members of the Impossible Missions Force
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress,
I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the facist dictator and remove his
body. Meanwhile, Rolin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator
long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down
into the light fixture, remove the burnt-out bulb, and replace it with a
new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie drives
up to the front entrance in a laundry truck. Just before Rolin's real
identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield,
and fly back to Washington.
%%
 -- How many
    members of the Pakistan cricket team
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a
day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary
strain upon them."
%%
 -- How many
    members of the P.L.O.
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of
Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of
Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste
up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the
cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite
into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for
the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working
lights.
%%
 -- How many
    members of the U.S.S. Enterprise
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light
bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which
Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty,
after checking around, notices that they have no more
new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the
dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to
procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock,
Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam
down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape
detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering
from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set
free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry.
Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb
is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five
year mission.
%%
 -- How many
    members of the U.S.S. Enterprise
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Are you sure you want to go to red alert Sir? It does
mean changing the bulb!"
%%
 -- How many
    men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
%%
 -- How many
    men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Men don't screw-in light bulbs; they think they
can turn them on just by rubbing up against them.
%%
 -- How many
    men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep
track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their
minds and provide wax jobs.
%%
 -- How many
    men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One -- men will screw anything.
%%
 -- How many
    men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
%%
 -- How many
    Mensans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible
to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the
various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and
syllable; nine columnists to write about it from
radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to
respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven
Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes
(_what_ is said is not as important as saying it
correctly); six conservatives who believe things should
stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that
action should be taken immediately to form a committee
to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree
on principal with anything anyone else has suggested;
three peacemakers who believe it's more important to
work it out without showing any more emotions than
necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain
that numbers are more important than facts; and one
pragmatist to ignore the BS and replace the bad bulb
with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the
Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make
absolutely sure that it really does add up to 66.
%%
 -- How many
    Mensans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
%%
 -- How many
    Mensans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely
euthanized.
%%
 -- How many
    Mensans
 -- does it take to screw in a litebulb?
None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore
cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a
Miller Lite bulb...
%%
"How many men you got 'ere, Colonel?"
"Oh, 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery, and 2 divisions of paratroops."
"Paratroops, Dino!"  "It'd be a shame of someone was to set fire to dem."
"Set fire to them?!"
"Fire's 'appen, Colonel."  "Fings's burn..."
 -- Monty Python
%%
 -- How many
    Mexicans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will fit in the El Camino.
Note: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that
was popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped
as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go
low-riding.
%%
 -- How many
    mice
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board
for it to get in.
%%
 -- How many
    mice
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
%%
 -- How many
    mice
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
%%
 -- How many
    Microsoft employees
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft
gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the
world.
%%
 -- How many
    Microsoft employees
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and
socket before the operation is started.
%%
 -- How many
    Microsoft engineers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
%%
 -- How many
    Microsoft technicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.
%%
 -- How many
    Microsoft Visual C++ programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50
to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so
when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the
team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get
everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing
a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to
answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our
light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures
in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
%%
 -- How many
    militant lesbian feminists
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
%%
 -- How many
    military information officers
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
At the present point in time it is against policy and the
best interests of military strategy to divulge information of
such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
%%
 -- How many
    MIS guys
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
MIS has received your request concerning your hardware
problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712.
Please use this number for any future reference to this light
bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you
will be contacted.
%%
 -- How many
    missionaries
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else
to change light bulbs too.
%%
 -- How many
    missionaries
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and thirty natives to see the light.
%%
 -- How many
    modern artists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile
hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to
glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb
in the socket and fill the room with light while all the
critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the
cocker spaniel. (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
%%
 -- How many
    monkeys
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. (with eternal
thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)
%%
 -- How many
    Monty Python fans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?

One to claim it is an ex light bulb, it is no more, another to claim he didn't
want to change it anyway, he always wanted to be a lumberjack. One to ask for
a licence for his pet bulb, Eric, and another to summarise Proust. One to say
that in his day, they had it tough, one to get nailed to the light socket, one
to ask for a new bulb with no spam in it...
%%
 -- How many
    Mormons
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
%%
 -- How many
    mothers in law
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say,
"I told you so!"
%%
 -- How many
    movie directors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's
done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
%%
 -- How many
    MP's
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
%%
 -- How many
    MS tech supports
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard
socket."
%%
 -- How many
    MTV cartoon characters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Butthead : "Uh huh huh huh huh. You said "Screw."
Beavis : "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw. Screw.
SCREW!"
Butthead : "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick your
ass."
%%
 -- How many
    MTV cartoon characters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Butthead: Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, HOW?
Beavis  : I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Butthead: I dunno know either you dumb ass. Uhhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis  : Who are you calling dumb ass, butt munch? Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Butthead: You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis  : Shut up Butthead!               Butthead: No, you shut up!
Beavis  : Shut up! Butthead Shut up!      Beavis  : Shut up!
Butthead: No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh!
          Answer the damn question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis  : Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm, what is the question,
Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Butthead: Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I thought you knew.
          Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis  : I think I am having a stiffy. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Butthead: Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think it was like, uh-uh,
          like how many, uh-uh, like Beavis and Buttheads,
          huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh, does take to screw in a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
Beavis  : I dunno know...
Butthead: Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think he means like our,
          uh-uh, ...
%%
 -- How many
    MTV cartoon characters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Light Bulbs suck or
something... Huh-huh-huh... Yeah ! But light bulb jokes
are coool... huh-huh... Huh-huh... Light Bulb jokes kick
aaaasss... (inserts hand into trousers and rubs up and
down...)
%%
 -- How many
    municipal employees
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the
Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public
Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway,
one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to
actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its
the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around
and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done
that."
%%
 -- How many
    musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and
seventeen in on the guest list.
%%
 -- How many
    Muslims
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah,
and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
%%
 -- How many
    mutants
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two thirds.
Note: Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing
limbs, etc. Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person".
Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the
job?"
%%
 -- How many
    mystery writers
 -- does it take to screw in light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to
give it a suprising twist at the end.
%%
 -- How many
    NASA managers
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
%%
 -- How many
    NASA technicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally
get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till
next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
%%
 -- How many
    Native Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have council fires instead.
%%
 -- How many
    NBC news producers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up
when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the
truth of the report despite the manipulation.
%%
 -- How many
    NCAA basketball players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
%%
 -- How many
    Necrophiliacs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    Necrophiliacs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the
socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
%%
 -- How many
    nerds
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of
themselves in their office.
%%
 -- How many
    net.jokers
 -- does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give
some minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a
great new joke that noone else had ever thought of.
%%
 -- How many
    net.junkies
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he's gotta cross-post it all over the goddam place.
%%
 -- How many
    net.poets
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
swimming
None, fish are          through the       of my consciousness,
and                          edges
I          dark.
like the
%%
 -- How many
    netters
 -- does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How
many programmers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem."
%%
 -- How many
    netters
 -- does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to
check it hasn't been done already!
%%
 -- How many
    neural nets
 -- does it take to change a light bulb ?
f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
%%
 -- How many
    neurophysiologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the
microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of
glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire
filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one
to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb
and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old
base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process
uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several
intelligent people happily employed doing something totally
useless.
%%
 -- How many
    new-agers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around
going "Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I
mean, I COULD do it, but of course I woudn't want to
impose my will upon anyone else..."
%%
 -- How many
    new-agers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll
work in the future.
%%
 -- How many
    new-agers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad
psychic auras.(and optionally another dozen to perform
the dance of the renewal of the light.)
%%
 -- How many
    new-agers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
%%
 -- How many
    Newfies
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer
the new one in. (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid -
usually told by Canadians.)
%%
 -- How many
    New Historicists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a
relatively modern invention.
%%
 -- How many
    new men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there
is no such thing as a genuine new man, and in any event,
the media, who like telling us what we all like, have
declared that women don't really go for new men anyway,
but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.
%%
 -- How many
    new men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
%%
 -- How many
    new romantics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing
concept, man !"
%%
 -- How many
    newsmen
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
%%
 -- How many
    Newtons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Farm.
%%
 -- How many
    Newtons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
%%
 -- How many
    Newton users
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling
processcr.
Note: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition
techniques.
%%
 -- How many
    New Yorkers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without
trying to stop it.
%%
 -- How many
    New Yorkers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
%%
 -- How many
    New Yorkers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from
muggers.
%%
 -- How many
    New Yorkers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
%%
 -- How many
    New Yorkers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the
other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
%%
 -- How many
    NHS hospital staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one
to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an
anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to
examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
%%
 -- How many
    NHS hospital staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a
new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to
maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3)
decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked.
Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually
or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's
pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing
job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty
light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light.
He returns to department and reports back. He completes work
ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by
maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then
checked to see task completed in time set out under
department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6)
checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into
department's workload report.
(Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)
%%
 -- How many
    nihilists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
%%
 -- How many
    Nitpicks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let someone else change it, then they point
out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
%%
 -- How many
    northern Californians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.
%%
 -- How many
    Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story
about it...
%%
 -- How many
    NRA members
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his
cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an
"I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain
about the waiting period.
%%
 -- How many
    NRA members
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out
of the gun.
%%
 -- How many
    NSC members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Note: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric
Oliver North was acting under, and which is often accused by
people such as Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.
We can't say.
%%
 -- How many
    NSC members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, in fourteen countries.
Note: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric
Oliver North was acting under, and which is often accused by
people such as Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.
%%
 -- How many
    nuclear engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
%%
 -- How many
    Object Oriented programmers
 -- does it take to change a light
bulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
%%
 -- How many
    off-campus landlords
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The students will just wreck it anyhow, so why bother?
%%
 -- How many
    of Jed's followers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light
bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    of me
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and
one to spend the next 6 months going round telling it to
everyone.
%%
How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
 -- How many
    old macrobiotics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to
call the ambulance.
%%
 -- How many
    Oliver Norths
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran.
%%
How many, once lauded in song, are given over to the forgotten; and
how many who sung their praises are clean gone long ago!
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, vii, 6
%%
 -- How many
    one-armed people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
%%
 -- How many
    operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
%%
 -- How many
    optimists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
%%
 -- How many
    Oregonians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.
%%
 -- How many
    Oregonians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the
nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that
powers it.
%%
 -- How many
    Oregonians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
%%
 -- How many
    orgy attenders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old
bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    orthopedic surgeons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using
it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
%%
 -- How many
    paranoids
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?
%%
 -- How many
    paranoids
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
%%
 -- How many
    Paul Daniels
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "And that's magic !"
%%
 -- How many
    pawnbrokers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's of no interest to them.
%%
 -- How many
    Pentagon procurement officers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of
fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
%%
 -- How many
    Pentium designers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical
people.
%%
 -- How many
    Pentium designers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you
convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the
spec.
%%
 -- How many
    Pentium designers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
%%
 -- How many
    Pentium designers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They aren't certain, everytime they do the math, they get a
different number.
%%
 -- How many
    Pentium designers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the
ladder....
%%
 -- How many
    people about to move out of the city
 -- does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black
anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    people at a London Vegans meeting
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait
at least half an hour while the others read out all the
announcements.
%%
 -- How many
    people at an American football match
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of
the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a
successful bulb screwing.
%%
 -- How many
    people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby
Fischer?
Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to
file three millimetres off it first.
%%
 -- How many
    people
 -- does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
%%
 -- How many
    people
 -- does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
 -- How many
    people
 -- does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James
Watt in 1983
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
%%
 -- How many
    people from New Jersey
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and
the third to shoot the witness.
%%
 -- How many
    people in a Burger King advert
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. "I can't change my light bulb. But I can change my
burger to a Burger King burger."
%%
 -- How many
    people in Twin Peaks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in
plastic.
Note: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in
plastic.
%%
 -- How many
    people on Get Stuffed
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one,
of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its
packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2
"Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all
wrong.
%%
 -- How many
    people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
One, but they're really three.
%%
 -- How many
    performance artists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the light bulb and the other to put the
power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.
%%
 -- How many
    Perot supporters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all just quit and go home!
%%
 -- How many
    pessimists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably
won't work either.
%%
 -- How many
    pessimists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
%%
 -- How many
    pessimists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    Pet Shop Boys
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
%%
 -- How many
    Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors)
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an
irresistible urge to change it!
%%
 -- How many
    philosophers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Define "light bulb".................
%%
 -- How many
    philosophers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?
%%
 -- How many
    philosophers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing
over whether or not the light bulb exists.
%%
 -- How many
    phone perverts
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP
are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH
AHHHHHhhh
%%
 -- How many
    phone perverts
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at
the hospital to remove it.
%%
 -- How many
    physiotherapists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and
hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
%%
 -- How many
    ping pong players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping
pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the
type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and
one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and
point out that he could have bought an even better one for
50p less.
%%
 -- How many
    pinheads can dance on an angel?
%%
 -- How many
    Pisceans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Huh? The light's out?
%%
 -- How many
    Pisceans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: They concern themselves with inner light.
%%
 -- How many
    Pisceans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    Pizza Hut employees
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell
the story about "last night."
Note: This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work
there. The stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a
few bedroom exploits.
%%
 -- How many
    Platonists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves
and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.
%%
 -- How many
    poets
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    Poles
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on
strike!
%%
 -- How many
    police
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh?)
%%
 -- How many
    Polish-Americans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times
for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request,
one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer
firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to
bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten
to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy
Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to
raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new
pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty
from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the
Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to
go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw
it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in,
and the Monsignor to bless it.
%%
 -- How many
    Politically Correct Clergy
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs.
They ban light bulb jokes.
%%
 -- How many
    politically correct people
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. "Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If
it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect
its uniqueness and individuality."
%%
 -- How many
    politicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
%%
 -- How many
    politicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back
again.
%%
 -- How many
    poltergeists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor,
one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things
about just for good measure.
%%
 -- How many
    porn actresses
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real
answer is actually none. They're just faking it.
%%
 -- How many
    post-doctoral fellows
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it
right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to
do.
%%
 -- How many
    pot growers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
%%
 -- How many
    pre-med students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
%%
 -- How many
    pre-med students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
%%
 -- How many
    pre-med students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred; one to change the light bulb, the other
ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't
chosen.
%%
 -- How many
    preservation society members
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb
so it'll be architecturally accurate.
%%
 -- How many
    presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light
bulb?
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the
bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the
other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to
find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb
failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other
candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
%%
 -- How many
    presidential candidates
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Less and less all the time.
%%
 -- How many
    Presidential family members
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb in the White House?
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White
House.
%%
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
%%
 -- How many
    Princeton students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
%%
 -- How many
    pro-choicers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't
exist before it was lit up.
%%
 -- How many
    procrastinators
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
%%
 -- How many
    Professors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None...what do you think their graduate students are for?
%%
 -- How many
    programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you can never change it back again.
%%
 -- How many
    pro-lifers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine: four to block the entrance to the room, four to
hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and
convince the person with the new bulb to let the room
stay dark.
%%
 -- How many
    pro-lifers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six: two to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it
was lit from the moment they began screwing.
%%
 -- How many
    Prolog programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
%%
 -- How many
    proofreaders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should
just query them.
%%
 -- How many
    PR people
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but I'll get back to you on that.
Note: Believe it or not, this joke cracks up reporters because
PR people try to force reporters to work their stories by
talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually
knows anything... so he/she is always responding as in the
punchline.
%%
 -- How many
     psychiatrists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want
to change.
%%
 -- How many
    psychiatrists
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
The number's irrelevant, the lightbulb has to want to change.....
%%
 -- How many
    psychics
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---- You should have hit "n"!
%%
 -- How many
    psychologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
How long have you been having this phantasy?
%%
 -- How many
    psychologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
%%
 -- How many
    psychologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
%%
 -- How many
    psychologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
%%
 -- How many
    public opinion researchers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
%%
 -- How many
    publishers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
%%
 -- How many
    punk rockers
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new bulb and one to eat the old one.
%%
 -- How many
    punk rockers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the
first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead
Kennedys etc.
%%
 -- How many
    punk rockers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old
one on his forehead.
%%
 -- How many
    Purdue engineering students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
%%
 -- How many
    Pygmies
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
Note: think height!
%%
 -- How many
    QA engineers
 -- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
%%
 -- How many
    Quakers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
%%
 -- How many
    Quality managers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light
bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers
can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.
%%
 -- How many
    quantum mechanicians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot
locate the new bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    quantum physicists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something
that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to
stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come
out as one.)
%%
 -- How many
    racists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone
that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you
were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like "Well
I'm not a racist, BUT ....."
%%
 -- How many
    Radcliffe girls
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It's "Women" and it's not funny!
%%
 -- How many
    Radio 1 DJs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
%%
 -- How many
    radio astronomers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
%%
 -- How many
    Reaganists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify
the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the
bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the
bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional
amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to
replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to
lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene
importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene
importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
%%
 -- How many
    Reagans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one - Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her
apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987
%%
 -- How many
    Reagans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
%%
 -- How many
    real men
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    real programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
%%
 -- How many
    real women
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do
it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
%%
 -- How many
    rec.humor.funny readers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out
every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people
have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite
feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for
more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great
discontent among the people who have brought really bright,
long-lasting bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    rec.humor readers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and
over again and still no one notices it's been changed so
they change it again and again and then they even
discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it
in rec.humor.d.
%%
 -- How many
    rec.humor readers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20
to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them
in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to
ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come
in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out
again and start the whole process all over again. And
one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to
100.
%%
 -- How many
    rec.humor readers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to
flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is
different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame,
pointing out that the new bulb is deliberately
different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the
room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand
that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14
to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed
seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but
it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying
to put the old bulb back in.
%%
 -- How many
    rec.humour posters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb ?
31. One to change the light bulb and thirty to flame them for
picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ...
Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is
rec.humor (US spelling) not rec.humour.
%%
 -- How many
    recovering addicts
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light
bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    recovering addicts
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes twelve steps.
%%
 -- How many
    recovering addicts
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
%%
 -- How many
    recovering co-dependents
 -- does it take to screw
in a light bulb?   None.  The recovering co-dependent
detaches and tells the lightbulb to screw itself.
%%
 -- How many
    rednecks
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
%%
 -- How many
    rednecks
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in
a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.
%%
 -- How many
    rednecks
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the
sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't
tending to the sheep's needs.
%%
 -- How many
    rednecks
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and
one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
%%
 -- How many
    referral agents
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
%%
 -- How many
    Republican Presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to change a light bulb?
(Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent
that question. I've answered it before, and I think the
media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American
people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.
%%
 -- How many
    Republican Presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to change a light bulb?
(Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we
didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
%%
 -- How many
    Republican Presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to change a light bulb?
(DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess
the servants have always taken care of that... With a
DuPont administration, the power of the free market will
be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
%%
 -- How many
    Republican Presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to change a light bulb?
(Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
%%
 -- How many
    Republican Presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to change a light bulb?
(Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry
about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry
about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
%%
 -- How many
    Republican Presidential candidates from 1988
 -- did it take to change a light bulb?
(Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal
this light bulb!
%%
 -- How many
    Republicans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw the poor
%%
 -- How many
    Republicans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
%%
 -- How many
    residents of country towns
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None, they're afraid there's been too much development
already.
%%
 -- How many
    retarded Italian gardeners
 -- does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but don't expect results.
%%
How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
 -- How many
    roadies/sound men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
%%
 -- How many
    roadies/sound men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
%%
 -- How many
    roadies/sound men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original
apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape,
changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an
appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet
from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the
rest of the band.
%%
 -- How many
    roads must a man walk down before he finds a
damn good pub?

Let us define n to be the number of roads a man must travel before he
finds the pub defined above.  We may thus define n+1 to be the first
road which a man need not travel in order to reach a good pub.  Now the
traversal of road n+1 is not a necessary condition, but rather a
sufficient one; thus it is sufficient for n+2 as well.  Thus the
statement is true for x roads where x is >= n.  Therefore, by induction,
it is true for any finite number x greater than n.  We may conclude that
the statement is true for sufficiently large x, or alternatively that as
x approaches infinity, the number of roads that have been travelled
become sufficient to have found a good pub.
%%
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?
%%
 -- How many
    Rochester residents
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment
about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in
Buffalo.
%%
 -- How many
    rocket scientist
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None they just tell Marcus to do it.
%%
 -- How many
    rock'n'rollers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they
know the guy who owns the socket.
%%
 -- How many
    Roman Catholics
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and
there's no precedent for lightbulb changing.
%%
 -- How many
    Roman Catholics
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and
give the old bulb last rites.
%%
 -- How many
    Roman Catholics
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
%%
 -- How many
    Romanians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
%%
 -- How many
    Romanians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give
them?
%%
 -- How many
    Romanians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt
bulb per family to save electricity.
%%
 -- How many
    Romulans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace.
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.
They consider this joke to be a disgrace,
though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
%%
 -- How many
    Romulans
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Ch'iv na myinki blish.
%%
 -- How many
    running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie
 -- does it take to change
a light bulb?
None, that's the proletariat's work!
%%
 -- How many
    running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie
 -- does it take to change
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the
means of production!
%%
 -- How many
    Russian leaders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light
bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    Russian leaders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
%%
 -- How many
    Russians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
%%
 -- How many
    sado-masochists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
%%
 -- How many
    safety inspectors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
%%
 -- How many
    Sagittarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long
enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
%%
 -- How many
    Sagittarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
%%
 -- How many
    Sagittarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out light bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    sales directors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?
%%
 -- How many
    SAS men
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to
the (validity of the) output.
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
How many?
It depends : - If they are applications programmers, it
takes exactly twice as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each
variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are
core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or
not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8
characters long.
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, once the documentation for the procedure is found
in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Please let us know!
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends; what color is the bulb?
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they
can't read the manual, and without the manual, they
can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a
*hardware* problem...
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure
the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
%%
 -- How many
    SAS programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
%%
 -- How many
    sax players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just
the right one.
%%
 -- How many
    sax players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
%%
 -- How many
    schizophreniacs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him,
so...
%%
 -- How many
    school teachers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
%%
 -- How many
    school teachers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to
the homework.
%%
 -- How many
    school teachers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One if at home, but on school time, four.
%%
 -- How many
    science fiction writers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back
in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one
sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to
reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire
room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
%%
 -- How many
    science fiction writers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In
1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that
electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative.
Hitherto, the only sources ..."
%%
 -- How many
    scientists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
%%
 -- How many
    scientologists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll take years and
years and set you back a quarter million bucks.
%%
 -- How many
    Scorpios
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Scorpios
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
That information is strictly secret and only shared with
the inner members of the hierarchical Order.
%%
 -- How many
    Scorpios
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
%%
 -- How many
    Scousers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
%%
 -- How many
    scrabble players
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score
anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    screenwriters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it?"
%%
How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%%
 -- How many
    second violinists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they don't get up that high.
%%
 -- How many
    security guards at a Grateful Dead concert
 -- does it take to
change a light bulb?
21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the
Deadhead who was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead =
Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
%%
 -- How many
    senators
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a
quorum.
%%
 -- How many
    senior citizens
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    Serbs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
%%
 -- How many
    seventies disco dancers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"
%%
 -- How many
    sex therapists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it
in the wrong way.
%%
 -- How many
    shaggy dogs
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
Note: Could someone please tell me if this is referring to
anything...
%%
 -- How many
    sheep
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round
while he looks for a new one.
%%
 -- How many
    Shiites
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to
Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to
negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent
bulbs held in hostage around the world!!
%%
 -- How many
    shipping dept. personnel
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call
before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed
overnight.
%%
 -- How many
    signal processing engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a
complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to
inverse transform the removed light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    small-town people
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it
too fast.
%%
 -- How many
    smokers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. If they all light up together the light bulb
will do so too.
%%
 -- How many
    soccer players
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards,
and the other side's back four to all stand around and
put their hands up.
%%
 -- How many
    soccer players
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to
kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the
light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and
screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
roll around on the floor pretending to be really
injured.
%%
 -- How many
    socialists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to
establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to
force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and
one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an
American light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    social scientists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root
cause as to why the last one went out.
%%
 -- How many
    social workers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old
bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring
society, one to arrange the case conference and one to
make sure they are all following the correct working
practice.
%%
 -- How many
    social workers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it
away, without checking whether or not there was actually
anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of
mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it
back and say it was all done with the light bulb's best
interests at heart.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it
in, and two to explain why the project was late.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to
document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one
technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the
one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a
sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want
to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at
which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its
modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took
was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a
light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably
fall down.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer
we have who can get the <insert name here> software ready to
ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
The change is 90 percent complete.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
%%
 -- How many
    software engineers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point
trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from
scratch. Could you wait two months?
%%
 -- How many
    software testers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's
problem.
%%
 -- How many
    software vendors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the
privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    Solamnic Knights
 -- does it take to change a light light
bulb?
It doesn't matter.  They can't see over the glare of their armour
anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    sopranos
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine to discuss how it
was really too high for her.
%%
 -- How many
    sopranos
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out
from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high
for _you_ dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto
Section.)
%%
 -- How many
    sorority girls
 -- does it take to change a light bulb.
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
%%
 -- How many
    sorority girls
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the
bulb being changed.
%%
 -- How many
    sorority girls
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
6 - one to screw it in and 5 to make the t-shirts.
%%
 -- How many
    Soviet emigres
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift
the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask
which way to turn the chair.
%%
 -- How many
    Soviet emigres
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Soviet emigres
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and a lot of light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    Soviet emigres
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
%%
 -- How many
    Sparts
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group
that believes in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael
Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard.
%%
 -- How many
    spies
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother?
(I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the
dark anyway?)
%%
 -- How many
    Spinks handlers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out
of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count
the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!
%%
 -- How many
    square dancers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
%%
 -- How many
    stage managers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not your concern. It will be done by opening night.
%%
 -- How many
    Stanford professors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey
invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one
hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating
Station.
%%
 -- How many
    Stanford researchers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
bill the government for the house.
%%
 -- How many
    statisticians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on
statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some
of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the
light bulb is negatively or positively screwed.
%%
 -- How many
    statisticians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure,
since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
%%
 -- How many
    statisticians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one
economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away
the ladder.
%%
 -- How many
    stock brokers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
%%
 -- How many
    stock brokers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to
try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already
burned out).
%%
 -- How many
    strong <ethnics>
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
%%
 -- How many
    suburbanites
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the
block.
%%
 -- How many
    Sun readers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
%%
 -- How many
    Sun readers
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
%%
 -- How many
    supply-side economists
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
%%
 -- How many
    supply-siders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
%%
 -- How many
    supply-siders
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by
itself.
Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early
reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of
Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They
believed that if they shifted the focus of government
economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the
business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and
inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't
quite work out that way.
%%
 -- How many
    Supreme Court Justices
 -- does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to
dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the
plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters
in part.
%%
 -- How many
    surgeons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament
transplant.
%%
 -- How many
    surgeons
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't
using it now.
%%
 -- How many
    surrealists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Bathtub full of powertools.
%%
 -- How many
    surrealists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
%%
 -- How many
    surrealists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water
out the window. (An interesting story about this joke -
it was once being told at a party or something, and the
person being asked correctly made up a completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud
chorus of "No, it's a fish !")
%%
 -- How many
    surrealists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
%%
 -- How many
    survivors of a nuclear war
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need
light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    survivors of a nuclear war
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
%%
 -- How many
    SysAdmins
 -- does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? None. They deny privileges to everyone with
access to that room.
%%
 -- How many
    system administrators
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the
light bulb in question.
%%
 -- How many
    Systems Assurance testers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the
problems, we just find them.
%%
 -- How many
    talk show hosts
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one
how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from
the audience.
%%
 -- How many
    Taoists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
%%
 -- How many
    Tauruses
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
%%
 -- How many
    Tauruses
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out
bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
%%
 -- How many
    Tauruses
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a
ten course meal and some great sex.
%%
 -- How many
    teamsters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
%%
 -- How many
    Technical Support staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting
technology.
%%
 -- How many
    Technical Support staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned
query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it
in all future correspondence.
%%
 -- How many
    Technical Support staff
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and
it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific
about the exact problem?..."
%%
 -- How many
    technical writers
 -- does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do
it.
%%
 -- How many
    Techno dancers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and
give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light
bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy,
three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to
grab the bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    tech writers
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
%%
 -- How many
    teenage girls
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all
her friends about it.
%%
 -- How many
    televangelists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They screw in hotel rooms.
%%
 -- How many
    tenors
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other
how they could have done it better.
%%
 -- How many
    terrorists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit
when it explodes.
%%
 -- How many
    terrorists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a
distraction.
%%
 -- How many
    terrorists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and
another to claim responsibility in phone call to the
news media.
%%
 -- How many
    Thatcherites
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
%%
 -- How many
    theoretical physicists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
%%
 -- How many
    theoretical physicists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
%%
 -- How many
    theoretical physicists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
in any time interval is independent of how long you've been
waiting.
%%
How many things, both just and unjust, are sanctioned by custom!
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Heautontimoroumenos, Act iv, Sc. 7, 11, (839.)
%%
How many things by season season'd are
To their right praise and true perfection!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act. v, Sc. 1
%%
 -- How many
    thought police
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never was any light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    tight gits
 -- does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after
all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts
1000 hours.
%%
How many times a day I gotta threaten your life
 -- Tony
%%
 How many times do I have to tell you that drilling holes in your head will
not relieve stress?
%%
 How many times do you need to be tolled anyway?
%%
 -- How many
    Torontonians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's
the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly
world-class bulb screwing.
%%
 -- How many
    Tory MP's
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing
service has been privatised and the information you require
is commercially sensitive.
%%
 -- How many
    Tory MP's
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself
accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act
involving womens underwear.
%%
 -- How many
    tourists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
%%
 -- How many
    trainspotters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down,
and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
%%
 -- How many
    Trotskyists
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!
%%
 -- How many
    [trying to think of it]
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
????. One to change it, ???? to ????, and one to complain that
even after all these technical advances, a light bulb still
only lasts 1000 hours.
%%
 -- How many
    TV comedians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In."
%%
 -- How many
    Ukrainians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    uk.singles readers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and
post something about how light bulbs are so masculine to the
group, two to post in disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to
post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole terminal room in Keele to sit
there discussing it only among themselves, one to post a
coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to
complain that the women always get flamed more than the men,
Menya to say that light bulbs are sexy as long as they're
orange and could someone bring her a nice hot one, and two
people to post in suggesting a boink so they can all get
together and change the light bulb, with real friendship and
good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds.
During all this time, not one person dares risk losing points
by posting a personals ad.
%%
 -- How many
    undertakers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
%%
 -- How many
    Union Electricians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to
screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to
hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test
the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room
will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break,
one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of
breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics
with the yuppies.
%%
 -- How many
    Unitarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and
evolved over many years by small steps,
o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in
any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to
take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of
equality,
o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the
sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's
illumination preference, and
o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to
develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a
single candle instead of cursing the darkness.
%%
 -- How many
    University of Chicago Economics professors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it.
%%
 -- How many
    University of Washington Husky football fans (or any
over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention
to minutia surrounding "their" team)
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to
all try and make the world revolve around it.
%%
 -- How many
    university professors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
%%
 -- How many
    university professors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
%%
 -- How many
    university students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs
changing, whether they should join the Light Bulbs Union
first and then what to call the new light bulb - (the
Nelson Mandela light bulb?), one to put it in... and
twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days
work...
%%
 -- How many
    university students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something
silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the
light bulb to be changed.
%%
 -- How many
    university students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold it and one to turn him around.
%%
 -- How many
    Unix hacks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
%%
 -- How many
    Unix hacks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
%%
 -- How many
    Unix hacks
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
%%
 -- How many
    Unix programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both
the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
%%
 -- How many
    Unix Support staff
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
%%
 -- How many
    Unix system vendors
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants'
and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the
socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket,
so .....)
%%
 -- How many
    USENET users
 -- does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on
net.bulbs.d.
Note: a nice try, but there's no such group.
[1]alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite active, though - BRIAN.
%%
 -- How many
    USENET users
 -- does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
Six. One to point out the spelling (you illiterate
idiot!), one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!,
one to flame the flamer, one to ask to be removed from
the news group, one to ask for a copy of the last
message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke.
%%
 -- How many
    U.S fighter pilots
 -- does it take to change a light bulb??
Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
Note: Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters
over Iraq.
%%
 -- How many
    U.S marines
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to
guard him .
%%
 -- How many
    US Presidents
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in
light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark,
which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
%%
 -- How many
    US Presidents
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he
can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
%%
 -- How many
    utilitarians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
%%
 -- How many
    Valley Girls
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
%%
 -- How many
    vampires
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they *like* it in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    vegans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The
Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror
that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI
who are involved in (blah blah blah...)
%%
 -- How many
    veterinarians
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an
MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
%%
 -- How many
    Victorians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
<Ahem> We do not discuss this with ladies and children
present.
%%
 -- How many
    Virgos
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
%%
 -- How many
    Virgos
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time
the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to
decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why
that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide
to remodel the house as long as they're changing the
bulb...
%%
 -- How many
    Virgos
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Virgos don't have time to change their own light bulbs.
They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
%%
 -- How many
    visitors to an art gallery
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old
could've done that!"
%%
 -- How many
    VMM members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Note: VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody
ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do
anything.
Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand
around discussing what they all want to do next.
%%
 -- How many
    VMM members
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Note: VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody
ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do
anything.
None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A
little bit of bitterness there from Brian.)
%%
 -- How many
    VMS heads
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and
tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt
soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as
it's manufactured by DEC.
%%
 -- How many
    VMS heads
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but
if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when
we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."
%%
 -- How many
    Vulcans
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
%%
 -- How many
    waiters
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
%%
 -- How many
    waitresses
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get
the manager.
%%
 -- How many
    WASP Princesses
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl.
Note: a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.
Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
%%
 -- How many
    WASP Princesses
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl.
Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building
superintendant.
%%
 -- How many
    WASP Princesses
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl.
Two. One to call the electricion and one to fix the
Martinis.
%%
 -- How many
    WASP Princesses
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl.
What?! And ruin my nails???
%%
 -- How many
    WASP's
 -- does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
%%
 -- How many
    WASPs
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks.
%%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%%
 -- How many
    w***ers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster
and faster, until it fuses.
%%
 -- How many
    West Virginians
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
%%
How many wheels does a menstrual cycle have?
%%
 -- How many
    white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable
tv pirating obnoxious belchin americanos
 -- does it take to
screw in a LIGHT BULB.
None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing.
Even if they did they'd get someone else to do it.
%%
 -- How many
    white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable
tv pirating obnoxious belchin americanos
 -- does it take to
screw in a LIGHT BULB.
One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of
the soft white variety over all others.
%%
"How many wilderness areas do we need?"
"How many Brahms symphonies do we need?"
 -- Robert Marshall
%%
 -- How many
    Will Rogers'
 -- does it take to change a dead light bulb?
None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
%%
 -- How many
    Windows programmers
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write
WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
%%
 -- How many
    Windows users
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy
for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
%%
 -- How many wings does a cow have?
 -- Tacky the Penguin
%%
 -- How many
    witches
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want them to change it into.
%%
 -- How many
    women
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
(It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's
job."
%%
 -- How many
    women
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the
socket.
%%
 -- How many
    women
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the
broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put
the new one in.
%%
 -- How many
    women with PMS
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
%%
 -- How many
    WordPerfect support technicians
 -- does it take to change a
light bulb?
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to
be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you
have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be
four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light
switch?
%%
 -- How many
    workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon
components plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a
light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke:
An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department
of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the
replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The
beacon, similar to the revolving red lamp atop a police car,
warns workers of nuclear accidents. The memo said the job
should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace the
light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers
4.15 hours.
The memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a
work-control meeting; talk with other workers who have done
the job before; meet again; get signatures from five people
at that work-control meeting; get the project plans approved
by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste
management and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly
criticality-beacon test; direct electricians to replace the
bulb; and then test and verify the repair. Mark Obmascik in
Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)
%%
How many worthy men have we seen survive their own reputation!
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. xvi, Of Glory
%%
 -- How many
    xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents, narcs, deans)

 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to seize the light bulb and the others hold him very
very still, because they KNOW the world turns.
%%
 -- How many
    Yale students
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
%%
 -- How many
    Yorkshiremen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good
batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.
%%
 -- How many
    Yorkshiremen
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to
hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
%%
 -- How many
    young macrobiotics
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old
macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
%%
 -- How many
    yuppies
 -- does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the
electrician. (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive
imported lagers...) (Secondly, this is meant to be told about
Sloane Rangers, but most people didn't seem to have a clue
what that meant so I changed it.)
%%
 -- How many
    Zen Buddhists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3.  One to do it, one not to do it, and one to do both.
%%
 -- How many
    Zen masters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
%%
 -- How many
    Zen masters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master
stays out of the way.
%%
 -- How many
    Zen masters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Zen masters carry their own light.
%%
 -- How many
    Zen masters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the
novice.
%%
 -- How many
    Zen masters
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
%%
 -- How many
    zionists
 -- does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - one to stay home and try to convince someone else to
do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in
and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands
behind their actions.
%%
How'm I flyin'?  Dial 1-800-BORG-YOU.
 -- Borg
%%
How much a dunce that has been sent to roam
Excels a dunce that has been kept at home!
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Progress of Error, Line 415
%%
How much better it is to weep at joy than joy a weeping.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
%%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%%
How much does it cost to ride an IO bus? 2 Bits.
%%
How much do you think I'll get for my autobiography?
 -- Arthur Bremer
(After his arrest for attempting to assassinate Governor George C. Wallace.)
%%
How much flour can you grind in the Windmill of your mind?
%%
"How much for the little girl?  Your women -- how much for the women?"
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
How much is that wookie in the window?
%%
How much is the drug?
%%
How much lies in laughter; the cipher-key wherewith we decipher the whole man!
Some men wear an everlasting barren simper; in the smile of others lies the
cold glitter, as of ice; the fewest are able to laugh what can be called
laughing, but only shiff and titter and sniggle from the throat outwards, or at
least produce some whiffing, husky cachinnation, as if they were laughing
through wool; of none such comes good. The man who cannot laugh is only fit for
treasons, stratagems and spoils; but his own whole life is already a treason
and a stratagem.
 -- Carlyle
%%
How much memory have you got?  One brain, one memory.
%%
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
 -- Marcus Aurelius
%%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%%
HOW MUCH OF A COMPUTER DAG ARE YOU?
How many people that you see regularly do you talk to more often
electronically than face-to-face?
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
%%
How much the wife is dearer than the bride.
 -- Lord Lyttleton (1709-1773)
 -- An Irregular Ode
%%
How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour
says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make
it just and holy.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, iv, 18
%%
How much to downgrade to Turbo C-- ?
%%
How much wood could a wookchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
%%
How much wood did Peter Piper pick?...No wait...
%%
 "How Not To Handle Stress" by Sue E. Syde
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
How now, foolish rheum!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
How oft do they their silver bowers leave
To come to succour us that succour want!
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book ii, Canto viii, St. 2
%%
"How often does the train go by?"
"So often you don't even notice it."
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
How often do lesbian vampires meet?  Every 28 days!
%%
How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the
    impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?
 -- Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle), Sign of Four
%%
How often I found where I should be going only by
setting out for somewhere else.
 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
 of what her inner self is telling her.
%%
How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.
 -- Herbert Spencer
%%
How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds
Make deeds ill done!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
How people try to avoid work, and how well some of them succeed...
 -- Willian Feather
%%
How pleasant it is to have money.
 -- Arthur Hugh Clough
%%
How poor are they that have not patience!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
How priceless are these things?
%%
How prone to doubt, how cautious are the wise!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiii, Line 375
%%
How pure the joy, when first my hands unfold
The small, rare volume, black with tarnished gold!
 -- John Ferriar (1764-1815)
 -- Illustrations of Sterne, Bibliomania, Line 137
%%
How're you going to do it?  Upgrade It!
%%
How ridiculous and unrealistic is the man who is astonished at anything
that happens in life.
 -- Marcus Aurelius
%%
How sad and bad and mad it was!
  But then, how it was sweet!
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Confessions, ix
%%
How sad, dear brother, you make me wish I were an only child.
 -- Data to Lore, "Datalore", stardate 41242.4
%%
How shall I be able to rule over others, that have not full power
and command of myself?
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. lii
%%
How shall we rank thee upon glory's page,
Thou more than soldier, and just less than sage?
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- To Thomas Hume
%%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%%
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
"How should long girls be courted?"  "The same as the short ones."
%%
How should one deal with a man who is convinced that he is acting
according to God's will, and who therefore believes that he is
doing you a favour by stabbing you in the back?
 -- Voltaire
%%
How should we amortize the cost of the equipment over its expected
lifetime.
%%
How silver-sweet sound lovers' tongues by night,
Like softest music to attending ears!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
How's it goin', eh? 'Member me? 'Member???
%%
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How sleep the brave who sink to rest
By all their country's wishes bless'd!
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- Ode written in the year 1746
%%
How slow this old moon wanes! she lingers my desires, like to a stepdame,
or a dowager, long withering out a young man's revenue.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
How small a part of time they share
That are so wondrous sweet and fair!
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- Go, Lovely Rose
%%
How small of all that human hearts endure
That part which laws or kings can cause or cure!
Still to ourselves in every place ensigned
Our own felicity we make or find.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
How's my demon? Call 1-800-CTHULHU.
%%
How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How's this for diplomacy?  Shoot them all
 -- Kirk
%%
How still the evening is as hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
How sweet an Ovid, Murray was our boast!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Dunciad, Book iv, Line 169
%%
How sweet a thing it is to wear a crown,
Within whose circuit is Elysium
And all that poets feign of bliss and joy!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
How sweet it is!
%%
How sweetly did they float upon the wings
Of silence through the empty-vaulted night,
At every fall smoothing the raven down
Of darkness till it smil'd!
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 249
%%
How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
Here we will sit and let the sounds of music
Creep in our ears: soft stillness and the night
Become the touches of sweet harmony.
Sit, Jessica. Look how the floor of heaven
Is thick inlaid with patines of bright gold:
There 's not the smallest orb which thou behold'st
But in his motion like an angel sings,
Still quiring to the young-eyed cherubins.
Such harmony is in immortal souls;
But whilst this muddy vesture of decay
Doth grossly close it in, we cannot hear it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act. v, Sc. 1
%%
How swiftly whirls the disk; Data leaps to the floating head and is known.
%%
How's YOUR Endless Project coming?
 -- Mark Diekhans
%%
How's your new job at the factory? one guy asked another. I'm not going
 back there. Why not? For many reasons, he answered. The sloppiness,
 the shoddy workmanship, the awful language ... they just couldn't put up
 with it.
 -- Mell Lazarus
%%
How's your Russian lessons coming?
%%
How tall is a union stagehand?
Don't know. I've never seen one standing up...
%%
"How tall was King Kong?"
 -- The Stuntman
%%
How the deuce d'you deduce that?
%%
How the government works: The Senate gets the bill from the House. The
President gets the bill from the Senate. And we get the bill for everything.
%%
How the hell does this thing work?
%%
 "How The Homos Came To Be" by Ben Dover
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
How time flies, when you are in a heap of problems..
%%
How to Annoy: Aunt Agonize
%%
How To Beat A Murder Rap: Scott Free
%%
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock
%%
How to Cook a Steak: Porter House
%%
How to cook with Heard and Soul.
 -- Jeffrey Dahmers Cookbook
%%
How to Cut Grass: Lon Moore
%%
How to defend yourself against a Banana.
%%
How to demoralize a Klingon - tell him he's cute.
%%
How to Draw: Ellis Strait
%%
How to eat chocloate chip cookies like a child:

 Half-sit, half-lie on the bed, propped up by a pillow. Read a book. Place
 cookies next to you on the sheet so that crumbs get in the bed. As you eat
 the cookies, remove each chocolate chip and place it on your stomach. When
 all the cookies are consumed, eat the chips one by one, allowing two per
 page.
 -- Delia Ephron
%%
How to get a head in refrigeration.
 -- Jeffrey Dahmers Cookbook
%%
How to irritate a Klingon - put a Tribble in his shorts.
%%
HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET
1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is [phone]. Explain that
it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the
White House - [phone] - to have a word on your behalf with
the guys at NASA.
3. If you don't have any friends at the White House, phone the
Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-292-9051). They
don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of),
but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone
number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer
and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your
phone bill arrives.
 -- Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
How to make a million dollars:   First, get a million dollars.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
How To Make Cornmeal Pancakes: Johnny Cake
%%
How to make Kleenex dance? Blow a little boogie in it.
%%
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
%%
How to paint a perfect painting -- make yourself perfect and then just
 paint naturally
 -- Robert M. Pirsig
%%
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes (1983)
%%
How to Read a Book: Paige Turner
%%
How to solve Mideast problems: DEL IRA*.*
%%
HOW TO SPREAD A RUMOR

 1. Tell the story casually, and don't give yourself away by being
 overanxious to launch your rumor.

 2. If the lowdown is especially hot, tell it confidentially.

 3. Never speak your rumor more than once in the same place. If it is good,
 others will repeat it.

 4. Tell it innocently, and don't disclose any source that can readily be
 discredited.
 -- British Morale Operations Section
 (to Burmese agents during World War II)
%%
"How to Stage Armed Heists" by Robin Banks
%%
How to Succeed in School: Rita Book
%%
How to tell time by children:

 When they're very sleepy, it's time to go to school.

 When they never felt more wide awake in their lives, it's time for the late
 late late late late movie.

 When they have a slight fever and an unidentifiable rash, it's three
 o'clock Sunday morning.

 When they break a collarbone, it's four o'clock Sunday morning during the
 doctor's vacation.

 When they put on underwear and a flannel shirt, it's the middle of the
 first hot spell in July, and when they put on cotton socks, sneakers, and a
 mesh T-shirt, it's the day of the worst blizzard since '47.
 -- Robert Paul Smith
%%
How to Tour the Prison: Robin Steele
%%
How to tune a ukulele: My DOS has fleas
%%
How To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm
%%
How typically vulgar and plebeian of you. -50 points..
%%
How untasteful can you get?
%%
How use doth breed a habit in a man!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live!
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
How various his employments whom the world
Calls idle, and who justly in return
Esteems that busy world an idler too!
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iii, The Garden, Line 352
%%
How very relaxed of him.
 -- Master, Frontier in Space
%%
"How was it, little buddy?"
"It was dark, like a cave, and there were no
toilets -- just black, smoking holes in the walls
and floor!  Giant roaches howled like damned souls
as they skittered along the mouldered grout-work!"
 -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police
%%
How was Pope John Paul chosen?
They took a poll.
%%
How was the Disaster Area concert last night? I said, HOW WAS THE...
%%
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
%%
How we apples swim!
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Brother Protestants
%%
How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life
  wouldn't you say?
 -- Kirk, "The Wrath of Khan,"  stardate 8130.3.
%%
How weird, a blessed desecrator...
The structure of reality cannot permit such a thing....
%%
How well I feathered my nest.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book ii, Chap. xvii
%%
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
 -- Last words of P.T. Barnum
%%
  How widely its agencies vary,--
To save, to ruin, to curse, to bless,--
As even its minted coins express,
Now stamp'd with the image of Good Queen Bess,
  And now of a Bloody Mary.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- Miss Kilmansegg, Her Moral
%%
How will be live?
You'll learn to build houses to keep warm.  You'll work. ... Humans
  have survived under worse conditions.  It's a matter of evolution.
Give it time.
 -- Kara the Eymorg and Kirk, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
%%
How will I know if I'm enlightened?
%%
How will you know the answer to that question if you
don't ask me out loud?
%%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!
%%
How wonderful that we have met with a paradox.
Now we have some hope of making progress.
 -- Niels Bohr
%%
How would a Solamnic Knight change a light light bulb?
According to the Code and the Measure of course.
%%
How would Commander Riker feel if he had the measles?
Pretty silly.
 -- Worf and Pulaski, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
How would you like walking around with a frog in your drawers
that you couldn't get rid of?
What an astute metaphore for the masculine condition.
 -- Dawn/Charlie
%%
How ya going to do it?  IBM Blue it!
%%
How you gonna do it?  SLiMeR It!
%%
How you know when you have run out of invisible ink?
%%
How you look depends on where you go!
%%
"How young can you die of old age?"
 -- Steven Wright
%%
How you play the game is for college boys. When you're playing for money,
 winning is the only thing that counts.
 -- Leo Durocher
%%
Hozone: place in heaven for lost socks.
%%
Hozone; Where 1 sock in every load disappears to!
%%
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as
long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were
getting a better engineer.  It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt."
 -- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak,
"Will Wozniak's class give Apple to teacher?", EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%%
:HP-SUX: /H-P suhks/ n. Unflattering hackerism for HP-UX,
   Hewlett-Packard's UNIX port, which features some truly unique bogosities
   in the filesystem internals and elsewhere (these occasionally create
   portability problems).  HP-UX is often referred to as `hockey-pux'
   inside HP, and one respondent claims that the proper pronunciation
   is /H-P ukkkhhhh/ as though one were about to spit.  Another such
   alternate spelling and pronunciation is "H-PUX" /H-puhks/.
   Hackers at HP/Apollo (the former Apollo Computers which was
   swallowed by HP in 1989) have been heard to complain that
   Mr. Packard should have pushed to have his name first, if for no
   other reason than the greater eloquence of the resulting acronym.
   Compare {AIDX}, {buglix}.  See also {Nominal Semidestructor},
   {Telerat}, {Open DeathTrap}, {ScumOS}, {sun-stools}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,
motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
the bill.  Agreed to.
 -- Albuquerque Journal
%%
H. Ross Peron for President in `96?  "Don't cry for me Texarkana"
%%
H. Ross Perot, Presidential candidate (1992), was an Eagle Scout.
%%
HRPR: Hang up and Ruin Printer Ribbon
%%
HSC: Halt on System Crash
%%
HSJ: Halt, Skip and Jump
%%
HSJ: Hop, Skip and Jump
%%
HS/Link users get it coming and going!
%%
HTC: Halt and Toss Cookies
%%
HTS: Halt and Throw Sparks
%%
HUAL: Halt Until After Lunch
%%
Hubby sells kidney to pay greedy ex-wife's alimony
%%
Hubris antedates a gravity-impelled descent.
%%
..  hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Huby (n.)
 A half-errection large enough to be a publicly embarassing bulge in the
 trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
%%
Huc Accedit Zambonis.
%%
HUDSON'S ROAD, SPOTSWOOD: The railway level crossing near Spotswood
Station will be closed for track work from 7.30pm tomorrow until 4.30pm on
Wednesday.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
Huey Lewis of Borg:  It's Hip To Be Square!
%%
:huff: v. To compress data using a Huffman code.  Various programs
   that use such methods have been called `HUFF' or some variant
   thereof.  Oppose {puff}.  Compare {crunch}, {compress}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.
%%
Huge tag collection: "He's dead, Jim..." in 1,976 languages & dialects
%%
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%%
Hugh: "Why are you here?"
Picard: "This is a primitive culture.  I am here to facilitate its
  incorporation.  Identify yourself."
Hugh: "Hugh."
Picard: "Identify yourself!"
Hugh: "We are Hugh."
Picard: "This is not a Borg identification."
Hugh: "Third Of Five."
 -- "I, Borg", Stardate unknown
%%
        Hug O' War

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
 -- Shel Silverstein
%%
HUGO was a wimp compared to Desert Storm.
%%
Hugs are never enough...
 -- Sonia
%%
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
%%
Hug your kids at home and belt 'em in the car.
%%
Hug Your SysOp daily, Send Her Candy On Her Birthday.
%%
Huh?
%%
Huh! An appointment with penance! The fates offer me no quarter.
 -- Atrillo Trilobite
%%
"Huh ?"
 -- Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message
%%
Huh, huh.  Fascism is cool.  Huh, Huh.
%%
Huh? I've yet to see a Klingon with a beer gut and a pony tail.
%%
HUH!  Me ???  THE COMPUTER DID IT!!!
%%
Huh? Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray? <Slurp<.
%%
Huh?  What?  Am I on-line?
%%
Hulk Hogan needs a hair weave!
%%
Hulk Hogan's Conversational Manual
 - An absolute must, for those who grunt.
%%
Humahumanukanukaapua'a:  The state fish of Hawaii (Reef Trigger Fish)
%%
Human: an erudite ape with less hair and more money.
%%
Human Being: 8.4 Gigabyes of RAM. (Not fully addressable by current OS.)
%%
Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they
are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
 -- Laurens van der Post
%%
Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is
 collagen.
 -- Martin Mull
%%
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to
come back home.
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
Human beings do not survive on bread alone ...
%%
Human beings do not survive on bread alone ... but on the nourishments
  of liberty.  For what indeed is a man without freedom ... naught but
  a mechanism, trapped in the cogwheels of eternity.
 -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
%%
Human beings don't live like this.
%%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%%
Human beings were invented by water as a device for transporting
itself from one place to another.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
 experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to
 do so.
 -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
%%
Human capital has replaced dollar capital.
 -- Michael Milken
%%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
Nobel Prize.
%%
Human consciousness arose but a minute before midnight on
the geological clock.  Yet we mayflies try to bend an ancient
world to our purposes, ignorant perhaps of the messages buried
in its long history.  Let us hope that we are still in the
early morning of our April day.
 -- Stephen Jay Gould
%%
Human, do you know how interesting it is, this thing you describe?
Avata does not have a god. How is it that you have a god? Avata has
Self, has the universe. But you have a god. Where did you find this god?
 -- Frank Herbert
%%
Human Error - It's all ***YOUR*** Fault.
%%
Human history becomes more and more a race between
education and catastrophe.
 -- H.G. Wells
%%
Human industry, if left to itself, will naturally find its way to
the most useful and profitable employment.
 -- Adam Smith
%%
Human Intelligence. The greatest oxymoron ever!
%%
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been
 sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful,
 rebellious, and immature.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
Humanity has in the course of time had to endure from the hands of science two
great outrages upon its naive self-love.  The first was when it realized that
our earth was not the center of the universe, but only a speck in
a world-system
of a magnitude hardly conceivable...  The second was when biological research
robbed man of his particular privilege of having been specially created, and
relegated him to a descent from the animal world.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be
lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.
 -- Isaac Asimov
%%
Humanity has won its battle.  Liberty now has a country.
 -- Marquis de Lafayette, on the birth of the United States
%%
Humanity is a parisite
%%
HUMANITY, n.  The human race, collectively, exclusive of the
anthropoid poets.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Humanity prefers comfort over truth.
%%
... humanity...[the] striving of man to achieve greatness through
  his own resources.
 -- Anton Karidian, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2819.1.
%%
Human kind cannot bear much reality.
 -- T. S. Eliot
%%
Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
 -- T.S. Eliot
%%
Human life is but a series of footnotes to a vast, obscure, unfinished
masterpiece.
 -- Vladimir Nabokov
%%
Human life nearly resembles iron. When you use it, it wears out. When
you don't, rust consumes it.
 -- Marcus Porcius Cato (234-149 BC)
 -- Carmen de moribus
%%
Human milk is better than cow's milk. It's cheaper, keeps better over the
 weekend, and the cat can't get at it.
 -- Donald McGill

 Plus, it comes in a much nicer package.
 -- Hovard Pedersen
%%
"Human nature is so constructed that it gives
 affection most readily to those who seem least to demand it."
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
         HUMAN NATURE
      Once I shot a bird,
     When I was very young.
  I watched it fall, and die.
 And I thought that it was fun.
 -- W.C. Mackie
%%
Human needs God like a goldfish needs a motorbike.
%%
Human (n):  Useful domestic animal popular with cats.
%%
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
Humans and aliens wrapped in 2,500,000 tons of spinning metal.
%%
Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.
 -- Alan Kay
%%
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more
convulsions.
%%
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to
dinner.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Humans are not rational beings; they are rationalizing beings.
%%
Humans are unreliable, inefficient, often lazy, sometimes pregnant, liable to
strike, need to be fed and paid, take up a lot of space and are slow by
computer standards.
%%
Humans are very peculiar.
%%
Humans are very peculiar.  I often find them unfathomable, but an
  interesting psychological study.
 -- Spock, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
%%
Humans: Bet you can't eat just one.
%%
Human's can't feel anything, they're numb from the brain down.
 -- Batty
%%
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
 -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
%%
Humans do have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose --
  and excluding that which is painful.
 -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
%%
Humans generate all-new blood every three months.
%%
Humans hardly ever learn from the experience of others. They learn - when
they do, which isn't often - on their own, the hard way.
 -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love
%%
Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels of
productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly
appreciated goals.  A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world
working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and
the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied...to unparalleled
social accomplishment.
 -- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%%
Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap
crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make
music that will melt stars
%%
Humans smile with so little provocation.
 -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
%%
Humans sure have a strange way of dying.
%%
HUMANS??????  WHERE?!?!?!?!?
 -- Batty
%%
HUMAN
  The human being either evolved from the biologically very similar
  ape, or was created along with the rest of the world in a six-day
  creative spurt by an anonymous god.
      The human body is a wonderful thing. Well, most of them are.
  Humans have one mouth and a limited number of genitals, which is
  probably just as well.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Hum be doo wap bap boo da doo bop bop bop dop
%%
Humbled again by overlooking the obvious.
%%
Humble pie is always hard to swallow with your pride.
%%
HUMBUG. An insect who'd sing, but doesn't know the words.
%%
Humility is a virtue all preach, none practice, and yet everybody
is content to hear. The master thinks it good doctrine for his servant,
the laity for the clergy, and the clergy for the laity.
 -- John Selden (1584-1654)
 -- Humility
%%
Humility is elusive, for the very moment you think you have it, at that
 very instant, you've lost it.
%%
Humility is in the I's of the Beholder.
%%
Humility is no substitute for a good personality!
%%
Humility is one of the finest variations of expressing self-esteem.
 -- Norbert Untersteiner
%%
Humility is the better part of wisdom, and is most becoming in man.
But let no one disparage self-reliance; it is, of all the rest, the
greatest quality of true manliness.
 -- Ferenc Kossuth
%%
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%%
Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim
earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.
 -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)
%%
Humility, that low, sweet root
From which all heavenly virtues shoot.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- The Loves of the Angels, The Third Angel's Story
%%
:humma: // excl. A filler word used on various `chat' and
   `talk' programs when you had nothing to say but felt that it was
   important to say something.  The word apparently originated (at
   least with this definition) on the MECC Timeshare System (MTS, a
   now-defunct educational time-sharing system running in Minnesota
   during the 1970s and the early 1980s) but was later sighted on
   early UNIX systems.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Humm! braindead.
%%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%%
. . . hummings and clickings could be heard--the sounds attendant to the
flow of electrons, now augmenting one maze of electromagnetic crises to a
condition that was translatable from electrical qualities and quantities to
a high grade of truth.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Player Piano
%%
Hummmm, I had a tagline when I came in here<gotya<
%%
Humor... a difficult concept.
%%
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority
to all that befalls him.
 -- Romain Gary
%%
Humor is a universal language.
 -- Joel Goodman
%%
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
 -- James Thurber
%%
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
 -- Langston Hughes
%%
Humor is our greatest natural resource.
 -- James Thurber
%%
Humor is such a great gift - why leave it to chance?
 -- Joel Goodman
%%
Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.
 -- Leo Rosten
%%
Humor is the best antidote to reality.
%%
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject
which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will
not bear serious examination is false wit.
 -- Aristotle
%%
Humor is the sense of the Absurd, which is despair refusing to take
itself seriously.
 -- Arland Ussher
%%
HUMORIST, n.  A plague that would have softened down the hoar
austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with
his best wishes, cat-quick.

    Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind
    See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined --
    Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
    His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
    He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
    A graceful hog would bear his company.
                                                        Alexander Poke
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
 -- William Gilbert
%%
Humourous or profound remark or quotation pending.
%%
Humpty Dumpty DOS - Just a shell of himself.
%%
Humpty Dumpty had too much egg nog to drink...
%%
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...
 -- Nursery rhyme
%%
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Had scrambled eggs for the next four weeks.
%%
Hung be the heavens with black, yield day to night!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
Hunger finds no fault with the cookery.
 -- Proverb
%%
Hunger In America: Heywood Jafeedme
%%
Hunger is the best seasoning for meat, and thirst for drink.
 -- Cicero
%%
Hunger never saw bad bread.
 -- Poor Richard
%%
:hung: [from `hung up'] adj. Equivalent to {wedged}, but more
   common at UNIX/C sites.  Not generally used of people.  Syn. with
   {locked up}, {wedged}; compare {hosed}.  See also {hang}.
   A hung state is distinguished from {crash}ed or {down}, where the
   program or system is also unusable but because it is not running
   rather than because it is waiting for something.  However, the
   recovery from both situations is often the same.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hung over her enamour'd, and beheld
Beauty, which, whether waking or asleep,
Shot forth peculiar graces.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book v, Line 13
%%
Hungry For Love.. And Its Feeding Time...
 -- Alice Cooper
%%
Hungry? Out of work? Eat your foreign car!
%%
:hungry puppy: n. Syn. {slopsucker}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hungry? There is an abundance of food on the next level.
%%
:hungus: /huhng'g*s/ [perhaps related to slang `humongous'] adj.
   Large, unwieldy, usually unmanageable.  "TCP is a hungus piece of
   code."  "This is a hungus set of modifications."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hunters do it in the bush.
%%
Hunters do it with a bang.
%%
Hunters do it with a big gun.
%%
Hunters eat what they shoot.
%%
Hunters go deeper into the bush.
%%
Hunting for the Golden fleece.
%%
Hunting Lodge Restroom Signs. SETTERS and POINTERS.
%%
Hunting no fun when the Wabbit has a Gun!
%%
Hunt them down and kill them.
%%
HUP: Hang Up Phone
%%
Hurdlers do it every 10 meters.
%%
Hurray for oranges! Go bananas!
%%
HURRICANE, n.  An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now
generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.  The hurricane is
still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
old-fashioned sea-captains.  It is also used in the construction of
the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
usefulness has outlasted it.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hurricanes aren't very dangerous.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Hurricanes increase property value: Andrew just made mine waterfront!
%%
HURRY, n.  The dispatch of bunglers.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hurry up, goldenrod!  You're going to become a permanent resident!
 -- Han Solo (Star Wars)
%%
Hurry!  We're trying to save Han from the Bounty Hunter!
%%
Husband eyes wife's seat on City Council
 -- Headline
%%
HUSBAND, n.  One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the
plate.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Husbands and wives who complain that they didn't get what they deserved,
 should be congratulating themselves!
%%
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
%%
Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.
 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
Hush, my dear, lie still and slumber!
  Holy angels guard thy bed!
Heavenly blessings without number
  Gently falling on thy head.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- A Cradle Hymn
%%
Hust a miunte.  Typing with the baby in lap, again.
%%
 Hut! Hut!   Hut!  Hut!  Hut!  Hut!  Hut!  Hut!  Hut!  Hut!
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
HWP: Halt Without Provocation
%%
HYBRID, n.  A pooled issue.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HYDRA, n.  A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many
heads.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hydrogen bombs make great party gags!
%%
Hydrogen, n.: A light, colorless, odorless gas that, given enough time,
turns into people.
%%
HYDROGEOLOGISTS do it till they're all wet
%%
Hydrophobia:  fear of utility companies...
%%
HYENA, n.  A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its
habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.  But the
medical student does that.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
HYPERCARD == "Has Your Program Even Run?  Can't Always Read Docs!"
%%
Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother,
That he might not beteem the winds of heaven
Visit her face too roughly.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
:hyperspace: /hi:'per-spays/ n. A memory location that is *far*
   away from where the program counter should be pointing, often
   inaccessible because it is not even mapped in.  "Another core
   dump --- looks like the program jumped off to hyperspace
   somehow."  (Compare {jump off into never-never land}.)  This
   usage is from the SF notion of a spaceship jumping `into
   hyperspace', that is, taking a shortcut through higher-dimensional
   space --- in other words, bypassing this universe.  The variant
   `east hyperspace' is recorded among CMU and Bliss hackers.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
HyperSpace:  just take a valium and get back "down to earth!"
%%
Hypertagline. . . er, tagtree?
%%
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
%%
Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
%%
(((((((HYPNOTIC)))))))(((((((TAGLINE)))))))
%%
"Hypnotism Unplugged" by N. Tranced
%%
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.  Depression of one's own spirits.

    Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot
    Where long the village rubbish had been shot
    Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --
    "Hypochondriasis."  It meant The Dumps.
                                                        Bogul S. Purvy
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hypocrisy: Clinton's "holier-than-thou" 1992 Presidential platform.
%%
Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue.
 -- Francis, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
 -- Maxim 218
%%
Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society.
 -- David Hull
%%
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
%%
HYPOCRITE, n.  One who, profession virtues that he does not respect
secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Hypocrites do the devil's drudgery in Christ's livery.
 -- Matthew Henry
%%
Hypodermic needles that don't pierce the skin.
 -- Polish invention
%%
Hypotenoose:  a dangerous triangle
%%
Hypotheses are not to be multiplied without necessity.
 -- Occam's Razor
%%
Hypotheses multiply so as to fill the gaps in factual knowledge concerning
biological phenomena.
 -- James D. Regan
%%
HYPOTHESIS: A prediction based on theory formulated after an experiment is
performed designed to account for the ludicrous series of events which have
taken place.
%%
Hysteria ... ^%#)%^@{]@!]|%#@+
%%
:hysterical reasons: (also `hysterical raisins') n.  A variant on
   the stock phrase "for historical reasons", indicating
   specifically that something must be done in some stupid way for
   backwards compatibility, and moreover that the feature it must be
   compatible with was the result of a bad design in the first place.
   "All IBM PC video adapters have to support MDA text mode for
   hysterical reasons."  Compare {bug-for-bug compatible}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Hysterica passio, down, thou climbing sorrow,
Thy element 's below.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
H y! Wh r  did my " " k y go?
%%
I accelerate for cats.
%%
I acquired my contact lenses a day or two later and they worked superbly.
 To insert them was but the work of a moment: all I had to do was pry open
 my eyes with a buttonhook, force the lenses in, and gulp as though
 swallowing a Chincoteague oyster.
 -- S. J. Perelman
%%
I act like a fool on purpose.  Limbaugh can't help himself.
%%
I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good.
 Go ahead and laugh. No, go ahead. I think the most important thing I
 learned was: Never let go of the girl's leg no matter how hard she tries to
 shake you off.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I admire an atheist, that takes a lot of faith.
%%
I admire men of character, and I judge character not by how men deal with
 their superiors, but mostly how they deal with their subordinates, and that,
 to me, is where you find out what the character of a man is.
 -- General Norman Schwarzkopf
%%
I admire the person in charge of this organization. He is an artist
at saying nothing out of both sides of his face.
%%
I admit I had a great struggle with my conscience.   Fortunately, I won.
 -- Garron, The Ribos Operation
%%
I admit, I have a bit of penis envy. They're ridiculous, but they're cool.
 -- K.D. Lang
%%
I admit it - *I* made all the crop circles.
%%
I admit it, I tried MS-DOS, but I didn't inhale.
%%
I admit it's offbeat, but lets not get hysterical.
%%
I admit I wrote in COBOL once, but I didn't compile.
%%
I admit that I am powerless over fish innards.
%%
I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your
 annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left.
 -- Francois Marie Voltaire
%%
I advise you to put down the oyster before opening it. >WRENCH!<
%%
IAE: Ignore All Exceptions
%%
Iago. What, are you hurt, lieutenant?
Cas. Ay, past all surgery.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!
%%
I agree; go with the hat.
 -- Scott Larsen
%%
I agree with you on practically everything you say including even the fact
 that on most things we don't see eye to eye.
%%
I agree with your question.
%%
IAI: Ignore All Instructions
%%
IAI: Inquire And Ignore
%%
IA: Illogical And
%%
I aim for the stars, but sometimes I hit London.
 -- Wernher Von Braun
%%
I ain't afraid of no fractals!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
I ain't fraid of no ghost.
%%
I ain't going out like dat...
%%
I ain't gonna piss in no jar!
 -- Mojo Nixon
%%
I ain't met a broad yet that don't understand
a slap across the face or a slug from a 45.
 -- Mike Hammer
%%
I ain't no artist but, I know what I like.
%%
I ain't seen my baby for 99 and one half days.
 -- Hendrix.
%%
ialloc: dup alloc
%%
'I almost felt that.' says Death, smiling.
%%
I *almost* stole a tagline I'm so ashamed
%%
I almost think it is the ultimate destiny of science to exterminate
the human race.
 -- Thomas Love Peacock (1785-1866)
%%
I alone can bring order to this chaotic world... and all I demand is ...
 blind obedience.
 -- Doctor Doom
%%
I already have a hundred gifts to distribute at Christmas--my Christmas
 seals have arrived ... I wanted our street to have the prettiest Christmas
 decorations in the neighborhood, so I strung colored balls from house to
 house all the way down the block. And I did all the electric wiring myself.
 If you'd like further information, just drive down Moorpark Street in North
 Hollywood. We're the third pile of ashes from the corner.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
I already know I'm paranoid.  The question is, am I paranoid enough?
%%
I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
 -- Richard M. Nixon
%%
I always advise people never to give advice.
 -- P. G. Wodehouse
%%
I always cry after sex. I think it's the Mace...
%%
I always get an A.
So did Dr. Frankenstein.
 -- Wesley and Guinan, "Evolution", stardate 43125.8
%%
I always get my muckin words fuddled
%%
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I always have parts left over when working on my car!
%%
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which
 I also keep handy.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
I ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY,
after the right time to say it has passed.
%%
I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
%%
I always like to begin a journey on Sundays, because I shall have
the prayers of the Church to preserve all that travel by land or by
water.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
I always prefered the outdoor life: hunting, fishing, slaughtering a few
    of God's creatures.
 -- Bevis the Lumberjack/Barber
%%
"I always prefer to believe the best of everybody
 -- it saves so much trouble."
 -- Rudyard Kipling
%%
I always tell the truth. Even if I have to lie to do it.
%%
I always thank the dinosaurs for a plentiful supply of 10W30.
It may seem selfish, but they were going to die anyway.
%%
"I always thought there was something fundamentally wrong
 with the universe"
 -- Aurthur Dent, The Restaurant at the end of the Universe
%%
I always thought you were in my corner.
"Ah, no. See, actually I was the one who got you kicked out. You know
  you're incorrigible, Q. You're a lost cause. I can't go to a single
  solar system without having to apologize for you and I'm tired of it."
I wasn't the one who misplaced the entire Deltivid asteroid belt.
"Hey! This isn't about me, I've got better places to be."
 -- Q and Q2, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I always use the goodest English.
%%
I ALWAYS use your stinky cat LITTER! LOOK how I LOVE IT!!
%%
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I kept putting it off...
%%
"I always wanted to marry someone who was tall, handsome, and rich.
Three out of three I gave up on."
 -- Woody Allen, "Radio Days"
%%
I always want the last word, and this is it PEACE!
%%
I always watch my speling;sintax, grammer & pointuation
%%
I always wondered what great scientists talked about when they got
 together. Can you imagine Dr. Fahrenheit and Dr. Celsius talking, and Dr.
 Fahrenheit would say, "Man, it's hot in here." And Dr. Celsius would say,
 "It's not that hot."
 -- Dan French
%%
I am 86 of Borg: You will be... wait, my shoe is ringing.
%%
I am a BBS addict. If you are a decent person you will
not show me your dialing directory.
%%
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you
will not sell me another book.
%%
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you
will sell me books at half price.
%%
I am about to---or I am going to---die; either expression is used.
 -- Last words of Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian
%%
"I am absolutely without flaw, and don't you
 f***ing forget it!"
 -- Harlan Ellison
%%
I am a buttonholic. If you are a decent person, you
will not sell me another button.
%%
I am ... a communist.
 -- Senator McCarthy, 1951
%%
I am a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought I did once, but I was wrong).
%%
"I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than any
 administrator."
 -- ...understanding Bureaucracy...
%%
I am a dedicated race fan, you know!
%%
I am a deeply superficial person.
 -- Andy Warhol (1928-1987)
%%
    I am a design chauvinist.  I believe that good design is
magical and not to be lightly tinkered with.  The difference
between a great design and a lousy one is in the meshing of
the thousand details that either fit or don't, and the spirit
of the passionate intellect that has tied them together, or
tried.  That's why programming-- or buying software-- on the
basis of "lists of features" is a doomed and misguided effort.
The features can be thrown together, as in a garbage can, or
carefully laid together and interwoven in elegant unification,
as in APL, or the Forth language, or the game of chess.
 -- Ted Nelson
%%
I am a dragon. You are not a dragon. Any questions?
%%
I am a firm believer in socialism and I know that the quicker you
have monopoly in this country the quicker you will have socialism.
 -- Charles P. Steinmetz
%%
I am afraid I must disagree with you, Bob.
%%
"'I am afraid that I rather give myself away when I explain'
said he.  'Results without causes are much more impressive.'"
 -- Sherlock Holmes in "The Stockbroker's Clerk"
%%
I am afraid that is beyond my design parameters.
 -- Data
%%
I am against all hobbies. I have been against ever since I figured
out that nothing I ever do is considered a hobby. All my life I have
had to fill out forms that ask about hobbies. I always wanted to
write down "reading", but reading is not a hobby. If you collect
books, that is a hobby. If you actually read them, it is not. If
you happen to watch a butterfly in a field, that is not a hobby.
If you put a pin through its little heart, that is a hobby.
 -- Richard Cohen
%%
I am against virtuosity for its own sake. Technique should enrich the
 action. One doesn't set the camera at a certain angle just because the
 cameraman happens to be enthusiastic about that spot. The only thing that
 matters is whether the installation of the camera at a given angle is going
 to give the scene its maximum impact. The beauty of image and movement, the
 rhythm and the effects--everything must be subordinated to that purpose.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
I am a genius and should be exempt from shit
%%
"I am a good boy.
I am a good man.
I am a good girl."

"What is this, propaganda?"
 -- Mae West (My Little Chickadee)
%%
I am a greedy, selfish bastard.  I want the fact that I existed to
mean something.
 -- Harry Chapin
%%
I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am a jelly doughnut.
 -- John F. Kennedy
%%
I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions,
senses, affections, passions? fed with the same food, hurt with the
same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means,
warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is?  If
you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if
you poison us, do we not die?  and if you wrong us, shall we not
revenge?  If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.  I suspect people of plotting to
 make me happy.
 -- J.D. Salinger
%%
I am a Klingon. If you doubt it, a demonstration can be arranged.
That is the response of a Klingon. The response I would expect from my
  older brother.
 -- Worf and Kurn, "Sins of the Father", stardate 43685.2
%%
I am a Klingon, sir.  For me to seek escape when my captain goes
  to battle...
"You are a Star Fleet officer, Lieutenant."
Aye, Sir.
 -- Worf and Picard, "Encounter at Farpoint", stardate 41153.7
%%
I am all the daughters of my father's house,
And all the brothers too.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
I am almost frighted out of my seven senses.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. ix
%%
I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year..
%%
I am alone
 Sitting with my empty glass
 My four walls
 Follow me trough my past.
 -- Berlin "The Metro"
%%
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
 -- New Testament
 -- Revelation xxii, 13
%%
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to
do it.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
I am always exact and precise (more or less)
%%
I am always glad to touch the living rock again and dip my head in the high
mountain sky.
 -- John Muir
%%
I am always right.  Except when I'm left, or bluffing.
%%
I am a man, and nothing that concerns a man do I deem a matter of
indifference to me.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Heautontimoroumenos, Act i, Sc. 1, 25, (77.)
%%
I am a man
More sinn'd against than sinning.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I am a man; nothing human is alien to me.
 -- Terence
%%
I am a man of unclean lips.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah vi, 5
%%
I am a marvellous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.
%%
I am a meatball:  Bite me.
%%
I am a mental tourist, My mind wanders!
%%
I am a mere dabbler compared to some of the wizards in here.
%%
I am Amiga of Borg. It takes a while to assimilate.
%%
I am a nacho, and the world's a dip.
 -- William Perky
%%
I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure
of.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
I am an alcoholic, in case of an emergency, please buy me a beer.
%%
I am a part of all that I have met.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Ulysses
%%
I am a pastry.
 -- John F. Kennedy in Berlin
%%
I am a perfectionist, you are picky, they are anal-retentive.
%%
I am a person of color: My color is White
%%
I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who
are equally certain that they represent the divine will.  I am sure that
either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some
respects, both.
I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that
God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty,
it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I am a Quaker. In case of emergency, please be quiet.
%%
I am a rock, I am an island, and a rock feels no pain, and an island
 never cries.
 -- Paul Simon
%%
I am as a weed
Flung from the rock, on Ocean's foam to sail
Where'er the surge may sweep, the tempest's breath prevail.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 2
%%
I am a sex object. I say Sex? and my girlfriend objects.
%%
I am as firmly convinced that religions do harm as I am that they
are untrue
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
I am as free as Nature first made man,
Ere the base laws of servitude began,
When wild in woods the noble savage ran.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Conquest of Granada, Part i, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I am a .signature, and I want to be your friend.
%%
I am a sociologist, God help me.
 -- John O'Neill
%%
I am a softwareholic. If you are a decent person, you
will not sell me any more software.
%%
I am as sober as a judge.
 -- Henry Fielding (1707-1754)
 -- Don Quixote in England, Act iii, Sc. 14
%%
I am astounded ... at the wonderful power you have developed - and terrified
 at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record
 forever.
 -- Arthur Sullivan, on seeing a demonstration of Edison's new talking machine
     in 1888
%%
I am Astro of Borg. Rerare ro re arrimirated.
%%
I am a tainted wether of the flock,
Meetest for death: the weakest kind of fruit
Drops earliest to the ground.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am at two with nature.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I am a UFO abducted baby..... so beware my powers!
%%
I am a victim victimizing other victims with verbal victimization.
%%
I am aware that many object to the severity of my language; but is there not
 cause for severity?   I WILL be as harsh as truth, and as uncompromising as
 justice.  On this subject I do not wish to think, or speak, or write, with
 moderation...I am in earnest - I will not equivocate - I will not excuse - I
 will not retreat a single inch - and I WILL BE HEARD.
 -- William Lloyd Garrison (1804-1879)
 -- Salutatory of the Liberator, Jan. 1, 1831
%%
I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth
 -- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly]
%%
I am Baby Bop of Borg: Resistance is useless, you will say OOOOOOO!
%%
I am Barney of Borg. Big Bird is irrelevant!
%%
I am Barney of Borg. Big Bird will be assimilated!
%%
I am Barney of Borg. "I assimilate you, you assimilate me..."
%%
I am Barney of Borg. I love you, and you love me...
%%
I am Barney of Borg. Sesame Street will be assimilated.
%%
I am Barney of Borg. Today we learned how to assimilate!
%%
I am Barney of Borg: Today we learned that resistance is useless.
%%
I am Barney of Borg. You and your beer will be as<BELCH<!
%%
I am Barney of Borg. You will be Baby Bopped now.
%%
I am Barney of Borg. You will be nauseated.
%%
I am Bart of Borg.. assimilate my shorts.
%%
I am Bart of Borg.  Prepare to be assimilated, Man!
%%
I am Beavis of Borg, Assimilation is cool, huh huh huh
%%
I am become death, shatterer of worlds.
 -- Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavadgita,
 -- after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
%%
I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life
which are the real ones after all.
 -- Laura Ingalls Wilder
%%
I am Big Mac  of the Borg.  I must be assimiliated!
%%
I am Bilbo of Borg. The assimilation goes ever on...
%%
I am Bjorn of Borg.  Wimbledon is irrelevant.
%%
I am Boberg of Borg.  Registation is useless.
%%
I am Borg the Cat.  Aack!  Thpbpth!
%%
I am Boris Badenov of Borg.  We will assimilate moose & squirrel!
%%
I am Bubba of Borg: Prepare your beer to be assimilated.
%%
I am Burns of Borg. Smithers! Assimilate them!
%%
I am but a gatherer and disposer of other men's stuff.
 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
 -- Preface to the Elements of Architecture
%%
I am Caffeine of Borg.  Sleep is irrelevant.
%%
I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Delighted you're feeling better, Captain. The Admiral and I were worried
  about you.
Captain. I do not believe you have the authority to promote me to the
  rank of admiral.
 -- Riker, Picard, and Data, "Shades of Gray", stardate 42976.1
%%
I am Carl of Borg.  Macross has been assimilated.
%%
I am Cat of Borg.  We will assimilate your shiny things.
%%
I am Christopher Robin of Borg: You sit here and assimilate Piglet.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Campaign promises are irrelevant.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Inhaling is irrelevant.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Prepare to be...OOOOOHHHH! McDonalds!
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Prepare to be Taxed.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Prepare to be......well, maybe....
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Prepare your money for assimilation.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Resistance is taxable!
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Truth is irrevelant.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg, We assimilate all money.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. You may or may not be assimilated.
%%
I am Clinton of Borg. Your paycheck will be assimilated!
%%
I am committed--or should be.
%%
I am convinced as shoppers of Hy-Vee go, so goes the state of Iowa.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, speaking at a
     Hy-Vee grocery store in Cedar Rapids, Iowa
%%
     I am convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal
     second base than an automobile
 -- Tom C. Clark
%%
I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have
included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.   This
technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign.   My
carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.   Better go buy some more.
 -- [e-mail], in alt.conspiracy
%%
I am convinced that we have a degree of delight, and that no small
one, in the real misfortunes and pains of others.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- On the Sublime and Beautiful, Sect. xiv, Vol. i, p. 118
%%
I am CopyCat of Borg. Your tagline will be assimilated.
%%
I am correct, the rest of you are wrong!
%%
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am Cthulhu of Borg, and you are in some SERIOUS trouble.
%%
I am Daimon Goss. And these are my councils Kole and Dr. Arridor. We'll
  need chairs.
I'm Captain Picard of the Enterprise I am serving as host for these
  proceedings.
Good. Then see to it we get some chairs.
Let me explain.
Fine, fine. Just have your Klingon servant get us some chairs.
I am in charge of security.
Then who gets the chairs?
Daimon, due to the delicate nature of these negotiations, all parties
  have agreed that one representative will suffice. Now, I will be happy
  to provide your councils with accommodations, and you may have my
  chair.
 -- Daimon Goss, Picard,and Worf, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.
%%
I am Dan Quayle of borg... "potatoe" is irrelavant.
%%
I am declined
Into the vale of years.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am defeated, and I know it, if I meet any human being
from whom I find myself unable to learn anything.
 -- George Herbert Palmer
%%
I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate therefore I am.
%%
I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's
 religion, if they can find out what it is.
 -- Charles Lamb
%%
I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard
of principle. Washington could not lie.  I can lie, but I won't.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
I am different, I am alone and I'm am outcast...I bleed
green!
%%
I am DOS of Borg.  Prepare...oops, out of memory!
%%
I am Drunk of Borg.  Resistance is floor tile.
%%
I am dying, Egypt, dying.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act iv, Sc. 15
%%
I am Eastwood of Borg. You're thinking, "Did he assimilate 5, or 6?"
%%
I am Eeyore of Borg: Nobody wants me to assimilate them.
%%
I am either unconscious or demented.
 -- McCoy
%%
I am Electrician of Borg Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
%%
I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire.  I own a mansion und a yacht.
 -- Looney Tunes, Hare Brush (1955, Friz Freleng)
%%
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.  Imagination
is more important than knowledge.  Knowledge is limited.  Imagination
encircles the world.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
I am erotic, you are kinky, they are perverted.
%%
I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xix, 20
%%
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxxxix, 14
%%
I am feeling so grey today...
%%
I am female, hear me roar...... Burp!
%%
I am feminazi, hear me bleat. I am fetus, hear me SCREAM.
%%
I am firm. You're stubborn. He's pigheaded.
%%
"I am FLAMING CARROT!  Even best friends fear me a little!"
%%
I am Flatulus of Borg: Here (and smell) me ROAR!
%%
I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to be asphyxiated.
%%
I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to pull my finger.
%%
I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I am Fourth Doctor of Borg.  Your jelly babies will be assimilated.
%%
I am free, no matter what rules surround me.   If I find them tolerable,
 I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them.  I am free
 because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.
 -- Professor Bernardo de la Paz
%%
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
 -- W. C. Fields (1890-1946)
%%
I am from an island in the Pacific.
%%
I am Fudd of Borg! Pwepawe to be assimiwated!!!"
%%
I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
%%
I am functioning within normal parameters.
 -- Lal to Troi, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
I am further of opinion that it would be better for us to have [no
laws] at all than to have them in so prodigious numbers as we have.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. xiii
%%
I am Garfield of Borg - Hairballs are irrelevant..<HACK<..
%%
I am Gary Caplan of Borg. Prepare to be... oooh, taglines!
%%
I am gender neuter, inadequate.
 -- Lal, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
%%
I am Ginzu of Borg. You shall be amputated. But Wait! That's not all!
%%
I am glad that my Adonis hath a sweete tooth in his head.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues and his England, Page 308
%%
I am GOD in here!
%%
I am going a long way
With these thou seest--if indeed I go
(For all my mind is clouded with a doubt)--
To the island-valley of Avilion,
Where falls not hail or rain or any snow,
Nor ever wind blows loudly; but it lies
Deep-meadow'd, happy, fair with orchard lawns
And bowery hollows crown'd with summer sea,
Where I will heal me of my grievous wound.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Passing of Arthur
%%
I am going the way of all the earth.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Joshua xxiii, 14
%%
I am going to explain to you why we went to war. Why mankind always goes to
war. It is not social or political. It is not countries that go to war, but
men. It is like salt. Once one has been to war, one has salt for the rest
of one's life.
 -- John Fowles, The Magus
%%
I am going to seek a great perhaps.
 -- Francois Rabelais (1494-1553)
%%
I am grateful for all my problems. As each of them was overcome I became
stronger and more able to meet those yet to come. I grew on all my
difficulties.
 -- J. C. Penney
%%
"I am grim... and harsh... and ripe with fury!  I fight and kill and howl
 and get *all bloody*!       I go bowling whenever I want!"
 -- The Carrot's statements on life...
%%
I am Hammer of Borg.  Too legit to assimilate.
%%
I am having an out of money experience.
%%
I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
 -- John Lennon
%%
I am Heisenberg of Borg.  You might be assimilated.
%%
I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat
back.
 -- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"
%%
I am here. Wish you were fine!
%%
I am Hillary, hear me roar, I'm more important than Al Gore.
%%
I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- On the Collar of a Dog
%%
I AM hoLDiNg YOur mail HosTage. SENd $1000 TO my Node ..
%%
I am Homer of Borg..prepare to be....OHHHHHHHHHH...BEEEERR!!!
%%
I am Homer of Borg!  Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!
%%
I am Homer of the Borg.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance
is irrelevant.  Preparation is irrel...MMMmmm...doughnut!"
%%
I am home!  The modem's on, isn't it?
%%
I am hopelessly and forever a mountaineer.
 -- John Muir
%%
I am Hunter Thompson of the Borg: Wait'til YOU see those BATS!!!
%%
I am ignorant and impotent and yet, somehow or other,
here I am unhappy, no doubt, profoundly dissatisfied...
In spite of everything I survive.
 -- Aldous Huxley
%%
I am immortal, at least till I die.
%%
"I am immune to all such things, my friend.  As a
 youth, a certain amount of head-bangin' and
 metal-bashin' left my synapses so callous, no
 mind-alterin' substances are in charge."
 -- Blank Reg
%%
I am in blood
Stepp'd in so far that, should I wade no more,
Returning were as tedious as go o'er.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I am in charge of too many things and they don't pay me enough.
Other than that, I'm quite happy with my life.
%%
IAM: Increase Amperage Above Maximum
%%
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
of pre-Adamite ancestral descent.   You will understand this when I tell
you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering.
 -- Pooh-Bah, The Mikado, Gilbert & Sullivan
%%
I am interested in politics so that someday I will not
 have to be interested in politics.
 -- Ayn Rand
%%
I am in total control, but don't tell my cat.
%%
I am in total control, but don't tell my husband.
%%
I am in total control, but don't tell my life.
%%
I am in total control, but please don't tell my wife.
%%
I am Janet Reno of Borg. You will be incinerated.
%%
I am Jean-Luc...Picard.
 -- Picard to Nuria, "Who Watches the Watchers, stardate 43173.5
%%
I am Jordan of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant.
%%
I am Julian of Borg - But Jadzia why _can't_ I assimilate you?
%%
I am just going outside and may be some time.
 -- Captain Lawrence Oates' Last Words
%%
I am just going to leap into the dark. Let down the curtain: the farce is done.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Motteux's Life
%%
I am just slightly to the right of Vlad the Impaler
%%
I am Kevorkian of Borg. Federal Court Decisions are irrelevant.
%%
I am Khan of Borg.  From hell's heart I assimilate thee..
%%
I am Kirk of Borg - prepare..to..be..assimilated.
%%
I am Koresh of Borg.  Prepare to be immolated.
%%
I am Koresh of Borg, we will be incinerated.
%%
I am Lancelot of Borg.  Resistance is feudal.
%%
I am Limbaugh of Borg. I don't assimilate, I complain.
%%
I am Limbaugh of Borg.  Prepare to be berated!
%%
I am living in denial.
%%
I am Locutus of Borg. Do you have any Grey Poupon?
%%
I am Locutus of Borg. I demand Earl Grey tea - for 10000.
%%
I am Locutus of the Borg. This tagline is irrelevant.
%%
I am logged in, therefore I am.
%%
I am looking for an honest man.
 -- Diogenes (325 BC)
%%
I am made all things to all men.
 -- I Corinthians 9:22
%%
I am made from the dust of the stars, the oceans flow in my veins.
 -- Rush, Presto
%%
I am Madonna of Borg.  Gender is irrelevant.
%%
I am Madonna of Borg:  Justify my assimilation!  ::pant::pant::
%%
I am man, I am okay!
%%
I am Marvin of Borg. Guess what weapons we have. Go on, guess.
%%
I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
%%
I am merely responding to your nonsensical ramblings.
%%
I am monarch of all I survey,
  My right there is none to dispute.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Verses supposed to be written by Alexander Selkirk
%%
I am more an antique Roman than a Dane.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Get back to work!
%%
I am motivated, you are ambitious, they are pushy.
%%
I am Mr. Rourke of Borg. Welcome to Assimilation Island.
%%
I am Mr. T of Borg.  I pity da fool that resists me.
%%
I am myself indifferent honest.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I am neither human nor Borg. I am Hugh-Man!
%%
I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!
 -- Advice from Nicholai Ivanovich Lobachevsky
 Plagiarize,
 Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
 So don't shade your eyes,
 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize-
 Only be sure always to call it please 'research'.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
I am never less at leisure than when at leisure, nor less alone
than when I am alone.
 -- Scipio Africanus
%%
I am never merry when I hear sweet music.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act. v, Sc. 1
%%
I am no different then your own George Washington... and now that you
  enjoy the fruits of their sacrifice, you dare frown on my immorality?
 -- Finn, "The High Ground," stardate 43510.7.
%%
"I am no longer a snow climber.  I am a snow walker."
 -- Reinhold Messner
%%
I am no more humble than my talents require.
 -- Oscar Levant
%%
I am Norm of Borg. Bar tabs are futile, beer will be assimilated.
%%
I am not a 32 year old woman.
%%
I am not A bitch...I am THE bitch
%%
"I am not a climber, I am an adventurer."
 -- Reinhold Messner
%%
I am NOT a committee!
 -- C3P0 (?) (Star Wars)
%%
I am not a crook.
 -- from The Best-Loved Quotes of Richard Milhouse Nixon
%%
I am NOT a cynic - I just remember last time too well!
%%
I am not a dentist.
%%
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
%%
I am not a human! I am an animal! er...wait..
%%
I am not a man.
 -- Worf to Lwaxana Troi, "Man Hunt", stardate 42859.2
%%
I am not a molecule, I am a free radical!
%%
I am not a monotheist--the world looks as though it was
designed by a committee
%%
"I am not a musician, I'm a HAM"
 -- Ozzy Osborne
%%
I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
%%
I am not an animal.
 -- Elephant Man
%%
I am not an animal!  I am ... well, not an animal.
%%
I am not an Athenian or a Greek, I am a citizen of the world.
 -- Socrates
%%
I am not an Economist. I am an honest man
 -- Paul McCracken
%%
I am not antisocial. I'm just not real friendly.
%%
I am NOT a NUMBER!  I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!
%%
I am not a number! I am a free numeric variable!
%%
I am not a number. I am an unbound variable.
%%
I am not a number, I'm a man, a free man!
 -- Number 6
%%
I am NOT a nut....
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"I... AM NOT... A PACIFIST!"
 -- An angry defensive back explains to rednecks, in AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK
%%
I am not a pacifist, I celebrate the Fourth of July and all that that means,
 which was guns and bullets to get freedom.
 -- Randall Terry, Executive Director, Operation Rescue, Orange County
       Register, 3/20/89, about abortion clinic violence, as quoted in The Far
      Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
I am not a part of the problem. I am a Republican.
 -- Dan Quayle
%%
I am not a racist!
 -- Rush Limbaugh
%%
I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.
%%
I am not asleep.
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of
a far wider academy, of which human nature is only a part
%%
I am not a trained killer. I LEAD trained killers.
%%
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
 hate plants.
 -- A. Whitney Brown
%%
I am not a Virginian, but an American.
 -- Patrick Henry (1736-1799)
 -- Speech in the Virginia Convention, September 1774
%%
I am not aware that any community has the right
to force another to be civilized.
 -- John Stuart Mill
%%
I am not a wimp.
 -- George Bush
%%
I am not concerned with pleasure, Commander, I am a warrior.
"Even Klingons need love now and then."
For what we would consider love, sir, I would need a Klingon woman.
"What about plain old basic sex? You must have some need for that."
Of course, but with the females available to me, sir - Earth females -
  I must restrain myself too much. They are quite fragile, sir.
"Worf, if anyone else had said that I'd suspect he was bragging."
Bragging, sir?
 -- Worf and Riker, "Justice", stardate 41255.6
%%
I am not crazy! I just have a brain chemical imbalance!
%%
I am NOT fishing just drowning WORMS!
%%
I am not going to ask you guys to can the tuna thread.
%%
I am not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand
for, what I articulate to the American people.  The American people
will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last
12 years in the Congress.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I am not here as your prisoner, Davros, but as your executioner.
 -- Doctor, Resurrection of the Daleks
%%
 I am not home to talk to you,
 But please don't be a creep.
 Just leave your name and number,
 At the sound of the...
 -- Answering machine madness - miscellaneous
%%
I am not infallible. I might be wrong in this too.
%%
I am not interested in trying to compensate for your
amazing lack of observation....
 -- Orac
%%
I am not in the roll of common men.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor
 do I feel that the world must live up to mine.
 -- Fritz Perls
%%
I am not lexdysic...
%%
I am not merry; but I do beguile
The thing I am, by seeming otherwise.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
I am not, nor have ever been, a lawyer.
%%
I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
 -- Gloria Steinem
%%
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
 -- Dennis Ritchie
%%
I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
I am NOT Paranoid! And why are you always watching me??
%%
I am not permitted to enter the prison cell.
%%
I am not politically incorrect. I am politically challenged.
 -- Matt Bloom
%%
I am NOT psychopathic and if you say I am again I'll slit your throat.
%%
I am not quite sure how to tell you this, but there is so much plastic out
 there in this society in which you and I live that genuine immitation
 vinyl-naugahyde leopard skin has become an endangered species.
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
I am not responsible for advice not taken!
%%
I am not senile.
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
 -- Jules Renard
%%
I am not single.  I am "Romantically Challenged."
%%
I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
 -- English Professor
%%
I am not the rose, but I have lived near the rose.
 -- H. B. Constant (1767-1830)
%%
I am not used to having people question my judgement.
And I'm not used to dying.
 -- Leah Brahms and Geordi, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
I am not young enough to know everything.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
I am now a full-fledged, card-carrying SysOp.
%%
I am now cashing in on being vice president for others.  They'll remember me.
I'll remember them.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I am NOW of Borg, prepare to be emasculated.
%%
"I am Number Two."
"WHO IS NUMBER ONE?...."
"You are Number Six."
"I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE MAN!"
 -- The Prisoner
%%
I am Ohm of Borg.  Resistance is relevant.
%%
I am old!
%%
I am one, my liege,
Whom the vile blows and buffets of the world
Have so incensed that I am reckless what
I do to spite the world.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I am one of the greatest liars in the English language-
-I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't know it wasn't true.
%%
I am one who finds within me a nobility that spurns the idle pratings
of the great, and their mean boast of what their fathers were, while
they themselves are fools effeminate, the scorn of all who know the
worth of mind and virtue.
 -- Percival
%%
I am only a rat in a maze, like you -- only the dead go free.
%%
I am only a stupid robot and cannot perform that command.
%%
I am Opie of Borg.  Can I assimilate 'em, Pa?
%%
"...I am opposed to all attempts to license or restrict the arming of
individuals...I consider such laws a violation of civil liberty,
subversive of democratic political institutions, and self-defeating
in their purpose."
 -- Robert A. Heinlein, in a 1949 letter concerning "Red Planet"
%%
I am OS/2 of Borg.  DOS will be assimilated.
%%
"I am out there saving the world from Commies and
Martians who will eat your feet... and he's making
peanut brittle in my washer!"
 -- The Flaming Carrot bitches...
%%
I am overqualified? Allow me to remove some lines from my resume...
%%
I am over six feet and go everywhere.
 -- Archy the cockroach
%%
I am part of all that I have read.
 -- John Kieran
%%
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.
 -- Edith Sitwell
%%
I am Paul Simon of Borg. Must be 50 ways to assimilate your lover.
%%
I am Pentium of Borg, division is futile! You will be approximated.
%%
I am Pentium of Borg. Division is irrelevant. You will be approximated.
%%
I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. Replacement is futile.
 -- Chris Wilson
%%
I am perfectly sane, and so am I.
%%
I am Perot of Borg. It's your collective, you're the owners.
%%
I am placing this tagline for adoption, ain't he cute.
%%
I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together
  become greater than the sum of both of us.
 -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
%%
I am Pooh of Borg: I think I'll assimilate a little something today.
%%
I am Popeye of Borg you will be A-ka-ka-similated.
%%
I am Porky of Borg. You will be assim...bdeh...assim...I'm takin' over!
%%
I am P-P-Porky of B-B-Borg. Prepare to be assim- assim- absorbed.
%%
I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.
Yes....and some _height_.
 -- Lady Farrow and Percy : Head
%%
I am Procrastinetor.  I will destroy you, eventually.
%%
I am programmed in multiple pleasuring techniques.
 -- Data
%%
I am proud that I am an adult Scouter!
%%
I am Q of Borg  <SNAP< <FLASH<  You're assimilated!
%%
I am Quark of Borg. Your latinum will be assimilated.
%%
I am quite sure that (bar one) I have no race prejudices, and I think
I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices.
Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. all that I care to know
is that a man is a human being - that is enough for me; he can't be
any worse.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
 -- Harper's Magazine, September, 1899
%%
I am Rabbit of Borg: No, Pooh. That's not how to assimilate someone.
%%
I am Ray Charles of Borg: The 'right one' is irrelevant, baby.
%%
I am reading Henry James ... and feel myself as one entombed in a
block of smooth amber.
 -- Virginia Woolf
%%
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
I AM RELAXED
 -- Worf
%%
I am replying to this message with my built-in VAX Mailer on my Game-Boy.
%%
I am Republican of borg. The middle class will be assimilated.
%%
I am resolved to grow fat, and look young till forty.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- The Maiden Queen, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
 -- An English Professor, Ohio University
%%
I am rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
 -- Edward Moore (1712-1757)
 -- The Gamester, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
I am righteously indignant;
you are annoyed;
he is making a fuss about nothing.
 -- Anonymous saying
%%
I am right sorry for your heavinesse.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- Troilus and Creseide, Book v, Line 146
%%
I am Rooney of Borg.  Ever wonder why resistence is futile?
%%
I am Rush Limbaugh of Borg.  That's a scary thought, eh?
%%
I am Rush of Lim-Borg. Liberalism is futile.
%%
I am Sajak of Borg.  RES_STA_CE _S F_T_LE.
%%
I am Salemi of Borg. You will be assimilated, resistance is off topic.
%%
I am Samantha of Borg. <wiggle nose<. You're assimilated!
%%
I am schizophrenic, and so am I.
%%
I am SchlitzBeer of Borg: You will be assimilated with gusto!
%%
I am Seinfeld of Borg. What's the deal with resistance?
%%
I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley.
%%
I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated.
%%
I am sick and depraved--please feed me drugs and cookies.
%%
I am sick as a horse.
 -- Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)
 -- Tristram Shandy, Vol. vii, Chap. xi
%%
I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist seemingly for the sole
 accommodation of these so-called limerick writers---and even sicker of their
 residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
 dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
 -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
%%
I am simply a human being, more or less.
 -- Saul Bellow
%%
I am, sir, a Brother of the Angle.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 1
%%
I am Sir Oracle,
And when I ope my lips, let no dog bark!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I am slow of study.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
I am Smorgas-Borg: Starving is futile.
%%
I am sooo DE-VO!  How long can this go on?!
%%
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
with an option to buy.
%%
I am sorry but that action is difficult in the absence of a mouth.
%%
I am so smart I make myself sick.
%%
I am Spike Lee of Borg.  If I can't assimilate you, you're a racist.
%%
I am Spock of Borg... Fascinating
%%
I AM standing.
%%
I am Stephen King of Borg. You will be assimilated in a horrific way.
%%
I am *STILL* proud that I earned my Eagle rank.
%%
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
%%
I am Stoned of Borg!  Resistance is like, like, I ferget.
%%
"I am successful because I am the only person in my city
who is not heavily addicted to powerful narcotics."
 -- Cerebus
%%
I am superior, sir, in many ways. But I would give it up...to be human.
Nice to meet you, Pinnochio.
 -- Data and Riker, "Encounter at Farpoint", stardate 41153.7
%%
I am sure care 's an enemy to life.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
I am sure you have heard of the tongue tied person who never washed their
 clothes out of doors because they always wanted to wish their clothes in.
 -- TIDE (There is nothing like good CLEAN humor!)
%%
I am sweet and lovable at all times.
%%
I am Sybil of Borg. I will assimilate myself.
%%
I am SysOp, hear me roar, with modems too fast to ignore...
%%
I am Sysop of Borg: Configuration is irrelevant.
%%
I am SYSOP of Borg. Fill in questionaire for assimilation.
%%
I am Sysop of Borg: I run TBBS; what you run is irrelevant.
%%
I am Taz of Borg: RGGL FXZZZ PTTHT!
%%
I am Terminator of Borg. Hasta Lassimilation, Baby!
%%
I am thankful for one leg.   To limp is no disgrace --
 I may not be number one, but I can still run the race.
 -- B.C.
%%
I am that twentieth-century failure: a happy, undersexed, celibate.
%%
I am That, you are That, all this is That.
%%
I am the bell ringer that will ring your chimes.
%%
I am the Canardian Guardian!
%%
I am the check writer in the cash only line.
%%
I am the cholesteral that clogs your ateries.
%%
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
%%
I am the cotton swab that gets stuck in your ear.
%%
I am the creature that goes bump in the night.
%%
I am the debit in your credit line.
%%
I am the Devil, and I come to do the Devil's work.
 -- Charles Manson
%%
I am the editor that leaves you on the editing floor.
%%
I am the Electric Messiah; an AC/DC god.
%%
I am the Ferret King.
%%
I am the future.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle
%%
I am the girl-next-door's imaginary boyfriend.
%%
I am the goddess of empathy.  Cast off your inhibitions and embrace love,
  truth.
 -- Holo-Troi, "Hollow Pursuits,"  stardate 43807.4.
%%
I am the hairball that clogs your drain.
%%
I am the housekeeper!
%%
I am the Imp of the Perverse.
%%
I am the master of my fate; I am captain of my soul.
 -- W. E. Henley
%%
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
%%
I am the oldest living white man, especially at seven in the morning.
 -- Robert Benchley
%%
I am the one your ancestors called "The Doctor".
%%
I am the one you warned me of...
%%
I am the only guinea pig I have.
 -- R.Buckminster Fuller
%%
I am the Passion; I am the Warfare.
%%
I am the plot twist in the second reel!
 -- DW Duck
%%
I am, therefore I am.
 -- Akira
%%
I am, therefore I'll think.
 -- John Galt   (Ayn Rand)
%%
I am, therefore I think.  Is this putting Descartes before the horse?
%%
I am. Therefore I think. I think.
%%
I am the root of some evil...send some money.
%%
I am the rose bush that refuses to bloom.
%%
"I am the Shadow Man, and *I* will never harm the person under whose bed
 *I* live."
  "Glad to hear it, my man... Hey, don't stay out too late, and when
   you get back, make sure you shut the window."
 -- An unusual roomie from The Twilight Zone episode "The Shadow Man"
%%
I am the Shopping Cart that nicks at your paint-job.
%%
I am the smell that makes sardines nauseous.
%%
I am the soap scum that lines your tub.
%%
I am the spider that nips at your neck.
%%
I am the spigot that drips in the night.
%%
I am the stuff of your worst nightmare.
%%
I _am_ the Supreme Being.  I'm not _completely_ dim.
%%
"I am the Supreme Being, you know.  I'm not entirely dim."
 -- Sir Ralph Richardson as God) in TIME BANDITS
%%
I am the terror that flops in the night.
%%
I am the terror that sits up late at night...
%%
I am the very model of a modern Major General.
%%
I am the very pink of courtesy.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
I am the very slave of circumstance
And impulse,--borne away with every breath!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Sardanapalus, Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I am the Viper.  I come to Vipe the Vindows.
%%
I am The Walrus -- Goo, goo, gajoob.
%%
I am the walrus. You're not.
%%
I am thy father's spirit,
Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night,
And for the day confin'd to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature
Are burnt and purg'd away. But that I am forbid
To tell the secrets of my prison-house,
I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word
Would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood,
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres,
Thy knotted and combined locks to part
And each particular hair to stand an end,
Like quills upon the fretful porpentine:
But this eternal blazon must not be
To ears of flesh and blood. List, list, O, list!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
I am tied to the stake, and I must stand the course.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 7
%%
I am Tigger of Borg. Assimilatin' is what Tiggers do best!
%%
I am tired and sick of war.  Its glory is all moonshine.  It is only those
who have neither fired a shot, nor heard the shrieks and groans of the
wounded who cry aloud for more blood, more vengeance, more
desolation.  War is hell.
 -- William Tecumseh Sherman, General - U.S Army (1820-1897)
%%
I am tolerant of your (fruitcake) beliefs.
%%
 I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing
that people often say about Him: I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great
moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God. That is the one
thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of
things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher.     He would either be a
lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he
would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was,
and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut
Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can
fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any
patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left
that open to us. He did not intend to.
 -- C. S. Lewis
%%
I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
%%
I am Tyrannosaurus rex of Borg.  Barney is irrelevant.
%%
"*I*... am undergoing `male bonding' with your father."
  "DADDY!"
"...Apparently, it involves repeated vomiting!"
 -- Opus meets his in-laws in "Bloom County"
%%
I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine, and lack
of sleep, and should not be held responsible for my behavior.
%%
I am unsure how you are facing. Use compass points or nearby objects.
%%
I am Urkel of Borg! Darling apple of my eye, wanna assimilate moi!?
%%
I am very flexible--I can put both feet in my mouth.
%%
I am Victor of Borge.  Prepare to be entertained.
%%
I am Victor of Borg(e)... Prepare to hear funny music.
%%
I am Vogon of Borg.  Resistance is futile AND useless!
%%
I am waiting for my winning Lotto ticket.
%%
I am wealthy in my friends.
 -- Shakespeare
%%
I am whatever was, or is, or will be; and my veil no mortal ever took up.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Isis and Osiris
%%
I am what I am and that's all that I am.
%%
I am willing to love all mankind, except an American
 -- Samuel Johnson, in Boswell's "Life"
%%
I am woman!  Hear me whine!
%%
I am woman!  I am invincible!  I am pooped!
%%
I am Wowbagger of Borg.The universe will be assimilated.Alphabetically
%%
I am writing to the welfare department to say that my
 baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
%%
I am Yogi Bear's Greatest Fan!
%%
I am your density.
 -- George McFly in Back to the Future
%%
I am your father's brother's nephue's cousin's former roomate!
%%
I am your king, and you'd better do what I say or else I can't be king anymore.
 -- B. Kliban
%%
I am Zorkon, this is my brother Zenon, and this is my other brother Zenon.
%%
I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.
%%
IAND: Illogical AND
%%
Ian:[ No ice, I'm afraid.]
Barbara: Oh, there's some in the fridge.
 -- The Romans
%%
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
%%
I appeal unto Caesar.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts xxv, 11
%%
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
              University of Tennessee at Knoxville
%%
I argue very well.   Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
IAR: Ignore All Requests
%%
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to
improved the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This
makes it hard to plan the day.
%%
I arose a mother in Israel.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Judges v, 7
%%
I asked for an audience with the President but only got to meet Bill.
%%
I asked him if he was really abducted, he said no, he came willingly.
%%
I asked my doctor if I should have a vasectomy. He said leave a sleeping
 dog lie. The last time I had sex my self-winding watch stopped.
 -- Lenny Rush
%%
I asked my local vicar about The Church
And he offered to take me to Jesus
I also asked him about Faith No More
And he still offered to take me to Jesus
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
I asked my mother for a mind of my own, but she said no.
%%
I asked Police Missing Persons about The Who
And they looked at me as if talking nonsense
I tried the gun shop for Guns N Roses
And they asked if I had a license
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
I asked this guy if he had the time. He said he'd love to give it to me,
 but he wasn't sure he could make the commitment.
 -- Carol Siskind
%%
I asked you not to have a spaz attack in tx.general, BUT NOOOOO!!!!
 -- Karl, via John Belushi
%%
I aske not labored letters which should weare
Long papers out: nor letters which should feare
Dishonest carriage: or a seer's art:
Nor such as from the brayne come, but the hart.
 -- John Donne
%%
"I ask for your support for our brave men fighting tonight halfway around the
 world, not for territory, not for glory, but that their younger brothers and
 their sons and your sons can have a chance to grow up in a world of peace and
 freedom, and justice."
 -- Richard Milhouse Nixon, April 30, 1970
%%
I ask only one thing.  I'm understanding.  I'm mature.  And it isn't much to
ask.  I want to get back to London, and track her down, and be alone with my
Selina -- or not even alone, damn it, merely close to her, close enough to
smell her skin, to see the flecked webbing of her lemony eyes, the moulding
of her artful lips.  Just for a few precious seconds.  Just long enough to
put in one good, clean punch.  That's all I ask.
 -- Martin Amis, Money
%%
I ask, sir, what is the militia?  It is the whole people, except
for a few public officials.
 -- George Mason
%%
I ask you men...what are you so afraid of? If I am equal to you in
power, does that diminish you?
 -- Rita Mae Brown
 -- Starting from Scratch: A Different Kind of Writer's Manual
%%
I assisted at the birth of that most significant word "flirtation,"
which dropped from the most beautiful mouth in the world.
 -- Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
 -- The World, No. 101
%%
I assumed you needed help. I see I am in error.
 -- Spock
%%
I assure you, I intended no deception.
Of course not.
You doubt my good faith?
Let's just say my faith would be strengthened by a gesture from you. Such
  as powering down your disruptors.
 -- Tomalak and Picard, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
I ate Hostess fruit pies all day--I got so fat my picture would fall off
 the wall.
 -- Bruce Smirnoff
%%
I attempt to do the impossible--change my personality for the better.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I attend Cedarupanz Flying School, Deadwood, MD.
%%
I attribute my old age to having lived a long time. Most people who do this
 are older than those who do not.
%%
I awoke from the same dream realizing that I had subconsciously gained
kowledge of a deductive technique involving mind-body coordination operating
hand in hand with the deepest level of intuition.
 -- Dale Cooper
%%
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Memoranda from his Life, by Moore, Chap, xiv
%%
I backed up my hard drive and it fell behind the desk!
%%
I backed up my hard drive and smashed into a bus.
%%
I bank at a women's bank. It's closed three or four days a month due to
 cramps.
 -- Judy Carter
%%
I bar-b-cued Captain Crunch! Am I now a cereal griller?
%%
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
 -- Gilda Radner
%%
I BBS because no one can read my handwriting
%%
I bear a charmed life.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 8
%%
I Beat Bobby Fischer: Jess Player
%%
I beat Gaggle-max!
%%
I became a masculinist as an alternative to becoming a masochist.
%%
I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is
always wrong.
%%
I been bad.  I been good.  Dallas, Texas.  Hollywood.
 I ain't askin' for much.  I say "Lord, take me downtown,
 I'm just lookin' for some touch."
%%
I been drivin' all night, my hands wet on the wheel...
%%
I been hipmotized!!
%%
I before E except after C.  What a weird society!
%%
I before E except after lunch ...
%%
I begin to smell a rat.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap. x
%%
"I beg your pardon?" said Alice.
"It isn't respectable to beg," said the King.
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%%
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
 income and she is pattable.
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
I believe and I say it is true Democratic feeling, that all the measures
of the Government are directed to the purpose of making the rich
richer and the poor poorer.
 -- William Henry Harrison
%%
I believe he would make three bites of a cherry.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book v, Chap. xxviii
%%
I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is
 us.
 -- Konrad Lorenz
%%
I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever.  All I need to know is
that a man is a member of the human race.  That's bad enough for me.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
I believe I have seen the Overseer. He is called the Picard.
 -- Liko, "Who Watches the Watchers", stardate 43173.5
%%
"I believe in 8 of the 10 commandments"
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I believe in a God which doesn't need heavy financing.
 -- Fletch
%%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --
where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
to vote--where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference--and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the
people who might elect him.
 -- from John F. Kennedy's address
 -- to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association, September 12, 1960.
%%
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church
 every Sunday unless there's a game on.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No
 matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to
 them."
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
 -- Mahatma Gandhi
%%
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterton
%%
I believe in god, I just don't like him.
%%
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
I believe in grumbling; it is the politest form of fighting known.
%%
I believe in heaven and hell- on earth.
 -- Abraham L. Feinberg
%%
I believe in instinct, not in reason. When reason is right, nine times out of
ten it is impotent, and when it prevails, nine times out of ten it is wrong.
 -- A. C. Benson
%%
I believe in living life one doldrum at a time.
 -- Tom Wilson ("Ziggy")
%%
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
 -- Garrison Keillor
%%
I believe in L. Ron "Mother" Hubbard.
%%
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
 children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I believe in peace and bashing two bricks together.
%%
I believe in practicing prudence every 2 or 3 years.
%%
I believe in reincarnation. I've had other lives. I know. I have clues.
 First of all, I'm exhausted.
 -- Carol Siskind
%%
I believe in the death penalty for terrorists. Not only that, I believe in
 execution with humiliation. As this guy is frying in the electric chair, we
 crack two eggs on top of his head. A future deterrent for the crime, and
 food for thought.
 -- Peter Fogel
%%
I believe in the Divine Rights of Sysops.
%%
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's
 neck. Marriage is a two-way proposition, but never let the woman know she
 is one of the ways. In marriage a man must give up many of his old and
 pleasant habits, even if it means giving up the woman he married. Always
 have a woman sign a prenuptial agreement that if she leaves your bed and
 board, she takes off with as little as possible. Marry an outdoors woman.
 Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still
 survive. Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.
 Never trust your wife behind your back, even if she claims she only wants
 to wash or scratch it. An ideal start for matrimony would be to have a
 drunken rabbi perform a Catholic ceremony in an Episcopalian church. Then
 it could be declared illegal in the courts.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
I believe in Whirled Peas...
%%
I believe in world peace ... as a last resort.
%%
I believe it is an established maxim in morals that he who makes an
assertion without knowing whether it is true or false is guilty of
falsehood, and the accidental truth of the assertion does not justify or
excuse him.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is
 largely a waste of time.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just
 as dumb as the next guy.
 -- Richard Feynman
%%
I believe that genius is an infinite capacity
for taking life by the scruff of the neck.
 -- Christopher Quill
%%
I believe that God puts us in this jolly world to be happy
and enjoy life
 -- Lord Baden-Powell
%%
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
child.
 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%%
I believe that in actual fact, philosophy ranks before and above
the natural sciences.
 -- Thomas Mann
%%
I believe that in the end the truth will conquer.
 -- John Wycliffe
%%
I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe
it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better
to know than to be ignorant.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
I believe that it should be perfectly lawful to print even things that
outrage the pruderies and prejudices of the general, so long as any
honest minority, however small, wants to read them.  The remedy of
the majority is not prohibition, but avoidance.
 -- H.L. Mencken, "Baltimore Evening Sun", March 31, 1924
%%
I believe that man will not endure; he will prevail.
 -- William Faulkner
%%
I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder.  It's a
very powerful emotion.  All children feel it.  In a first grade classroom
everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or
at least acknowledges it.  Something happens between first and twelfth grade,
and it's not just puberty.  Not only do the schools and the media not teach
much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense
of wonder.  Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling.  Poor
popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience.
 -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer,
 -- Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
 -- Nancy Reagan
%%
I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
 the world is fixed.
 -- Frank Deford
%%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country
 what it once was...an arctic wilderness.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I believe that silence is golden.
(Edmund opens mouth to speak)..............(closes it again)......
  ......(clears throat)..Aaahhiinheritance.
 -- Lady Whiteadder and Edmund : Beer
%%
I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in
reality.
 -- Martin Luther King
%%
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the rights of the
people by the gradual & silent encroachments of those in power than by violent
and sudden usurpations."
 -- James Madison, Virginia Conv. 1788
%%
I believe there is a higher power: it's called Canada.
%%
I believe there is a limit beyond which free speech cannot go, but it's a
limit that's very seldom mentioned.  It's the point where free speech
begins to collide with the right to privacy.  I don't think there are any
other conditions to free speech.  I've got a right to say and believe
anything I please, but I haven't got a right to press it on anybody else.
.... Nobody's got a right to be a nuisance to his neighbors.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a
 music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make
 available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard.
 -- composer John Cage, 1937
%%
I believe the word you're looking for is 'AAAUUGHHH'.
%%
I believe they talked of me, for they laughed consumedly.
 -- George Farquhar (1678-1707)
 -- The Beaux' Stratagem, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I believe this government cannot endure permanently half slave and half free.
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
 -- Speech, June 16, 1858
%%
I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me
 more of a selective human being than someone who doesn't believe anything.
 -- David St. Hubbins
%%
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I believe what you want is right here with you.
%%
I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can
 look up her dress.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married,
 they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for
 me.
 -- Dick Martin
%%
I be nibble, you be quick, he jumped over the Joystick.
%%
"I beseech John Byrne that when The Star Brand
 obliterates Pittsburgh, that he spare the
 Captain's Table in the Pittsburgh airport, which
 serves a steak on toasted garlic bread with
 Bearnaise sauce that is second to none..."
 -- Dave Sim
%%
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
 you still hit those brakes!  Hey, better try the emergency brake!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to
 be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the
 sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the eclipse would start, and
 they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about
 the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back
with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls
over, is like the top thing you can do.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before
I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because
I am NOT unwrapping him later."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old
 Yeller, stay in the cellar."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
 the story of Popeye.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet Patch drinks Carling Black Label!
%%
I better be going.  I have to get up sometime tomorrow.
 -- Jim from Taxi
%%
I better put on my patented Stuponitron helmet.
%%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
 don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when
 somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN
 TO YOURSELF!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I bet they've redesigned the whole sickbay too.  I know engineers -
   they just *love* to change things!
 -- McCoy,  "The Motion Picture,"  stardate 7411.4.
%%
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
 up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows."  Then they would all get
 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
%%
I bid him look into the lives of men as though into a mirror, and
from others to take an example for himself.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Adelphoe, Act iii, Sc. 3, 61, (415.)
%%
IB: Insert Bug
%%
I bite harder ...
%%
I blame Society! Society made me what I am!"
%%
I blame the Programmer myself !!
%%
I blinked, therefore I ran.
%%
IBLU: Ignore Basic Laws of Universe
%%
IBM aren't the competition.  They're the environment.
%%
IBMBECILE
%%
IBM - bringing you yesterday's technology tomorrow..
%%
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible.
%%
IBM-Compatible - Not fully IBM-compatible.
%%
IBM: Computers for those too tense to relax!
%%
:IBM discount: n. A price increase.  Outside IBM, this derives from
   the common perception that IBM products are generally overpriced
   (see {clone}); inside, it is said to spring from a belief that
   large numbers of IBM employees living in an area cause prices to
   rise.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS:
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
 -- The Great Quux June 1973
%%
IBM: I Blame Mathematics
%%
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
%%
:IBM: /I-B-M/ Inferior But Marketable; It's Better Manually;
   Insidious Black Magic; It's Been Malfunctioning; Incontinent Bowel
   Movement; and a near-{infinite} number of even less complimentary
   expansions, including `International Business Machines'.  See
   {TLA}.  These abbreviations illustrate the considerable
   antipathy most hackers have long felt toward the `industry leader'
   (see {fear and loathing}).

   What galls hackers about most IBM machines above the PC level isn't
   so much that they are underpowered and overpriced (though that does
   count against them), but that the designs are incredibly archaic,
   {crufty}, and {elephantine} ... and you can't *fix* them
 -- -- source code is locked up tight, and programming tools are
   expensive, hard to find, and bletcherous to use once you've found
   them.  With the release of the UNIX-based RIOS family this may have
   begun to change --- but then, we thought that when the PC-RT came
   out, too.

   In the spirit of universal peace and brotherhood, this lexicon now
   includes a number of entries attributed to `IBM'; these derive from
   some rampantly unofficial jargon lists circulated within IBM's own
   beleaguered hacker underground.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
IBM: I Breaks Monthly
%%
IBM: I Bring Madness
%%
IBM: I Bring Manuals
%%
IBM: I Broke Mine
%%
IBM: I Built Mine
%%
IBM: I Buy Macintosh.
%%
IBM: I Buy Mainframes.
%%
IBM: Ice Box Machines
%%
IBM: Ici Beaucoup Merde
%%
IBM: Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly
%%
IBM: Icons Bygones My Mom's
%%
IBM: I'd Be Misinforming
%%
IBM: Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers
%%
IBM: Ideas Bring Money
%%
IBM: Identical Blue Men.
%%
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher.
%%
IBM: Idiots Became Managers
%%
IBM: Idiots Being Mental
%%
IBM: Idiots Built Me
%%
IBM: Idiots Buy Me
%%
IBM: Idle Brain Malfunction
%%
IBM: Ifs Buts Maybys
%%
IBM: Ignorant Buttfucking Morons.
%%
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
%%
IBM: Ill-mannered Besotten Macrocasm
%%
IBM: Ill'manners Being Mandatory
%%
IBM: Illustrious Bankruptcy Malenfactor
%%
IBM: Illustrious Busy Mice
%%
IBM: Imbecile Bad Micros
%%
IBM: I'm Being Manipulated
%%
IBM: I'm Beyond Mistakes
%%
IBM: I'm Buying Macintosh
%%
IBM: Imensa Bola De Manteca
%%
IBM: Imitable Boring Microcomputers
%%
IBM: Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert
%%
IBM: Immense Bowel Movement.
%%
IBM: Immovable Brash Monolith
%%
IBM: Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers
%%
IBM: Imperial Bellicose Marauder
%%
IBM: Imperialist by Marketing
%%
IBM: Impersonal Bellicose Magnate
%%
IBM: Impious Bacchnalain Metropolis
%%
IBM: Inadequates Becoming Millionaires
%%
IBM: Inane Brutish Merchandising
%%
IBM: In Business (for) Money
%%
IBM: Incompatible Blue Machines
%%
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines.
%%
IBM: Inconsistent Business machines
%%
IBM: Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch
%%
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement.
%%
IBM: Increasingly Bad Manufacturing
%%
IBM: Increasingly Banal Movement
%%
IBM: Incredible Bowel Movement
%%
IBM: Incredibly Bad Merchandising
%%
IBM: Incredibly Ballsey Marketeers
%%
IBM: Incredibly Belligerent Merketing
%%
IBM: Incredibly Big Manufacturer
%%
IBM: Incredibly Big Monster
%%
IBM: Incredibly Bloody Minded
%%
IBM: Incredibly Boastful Mercenary
%%
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine.
%%
IBM: Incredibly Boring Manuals
%%
IBM: Incredibly Botched Machines
%%
IBM: Incredibly Broad Monolopy
%%
IBM: Incredibly Bullying Menace
%%
IBM: Increment and Branch to Muncee
%%
IBM: Indecision Breeds Mistakes
%%
IBM: Indecorous Big-named Medusoid
%%
IBM: Indigestion Bothers Me
%%
IBM: Industry Bowel Movement
%%
IBM: Industry's Biggest Mistake
%%
IBM: Industry's Bulging Monolith
%%
IBM: Inept Bulling Menace
%%
IBM: Inertia Breeds Mediocrity
%%
IBM: Inevitably Bad Marketing
%%
IBM: Inferior Before Macintosh
%%
IBM: Inferior But Marketable
%%
IBM: Infernal Biggest Mistake
%%
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly.
%%
IBM: Infernal Blue Machines
%%
IBM: Infinite Budget Merchandising
%%
IBM: Infinitely Baffling Motives
%%
IBM: Inherently Bad Manuals
%%
IBM: In London a frequent answer to the question
 'Where is the tourguide?' "I be 'im."
%%
IBM: Innovation By Management
%%
IBM: Insanely Better Marketing
%%
IBM: Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity
%%
IBM: Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh
%%
IBM: Insidious Byzantine Mentality
%%
IBM: Insignificant Bothersome Machine
%%
IBM: Insipidly Bankrolling Millions
%%
IBM: Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer
%%
IBM: Install Bigger Memory
%%
IBM: Institute of Black Magic.
%%
IBM: Insulting Boorish Manner
%%
IBM: Insultingly Boring Microcomputers
%%
IBM: Intensely Boring Machines
%%
IBM: Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery
%%
IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
%%
IBM: Interesting But Mediocre
%%
IBM: Interesting But Mundane
%%
IBM: Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake
%%
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess.
%%
IBM: Internals By Mediocrity
%%
IBM: International Bit Mangler
%%
IBM: International Bowel Movement
%%
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians.
%%
IBM: Intersmashable Byte manipulators
%%
IBM: Into Building Money
%%
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches.
%%
IBM: Intriguingly Blue Motif
%%
IBM: Invented By Maladroits
%%
IBM: Invented By Marketing
%%
IBM: Invented By Murphy
%%
IBM: Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational
%%
IBM is 99.8% compatible...With Compaq 386 Pro
%%
IBM is not a necessary evil.  IBM is not necessary.
%%
IBM: It Barely Moves.
%%
IBM: It Broke Be
%%
IBM: It'll Be Messy.
%%
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
%%
IBM: It's Backwards, Man.
%%
IBM: It's Become Monolithic
%%
IBM: It's Been Malfunctioning
%%
IBM: It's Being Mended..
%%
IBM: It's Better Manually
%%
IBM: It's Better 'morrow
%%
IBM: It's Beyond Monolithic
%%
IBM: It's Broke Ma'am
%%
IBM: It's Bugging Me
%%
IBM: It's Bullshit Mommery
%%
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
%%
IBM: Itty Bitty Maharishi
%%
IBM: Itty Bitty Mentality
%%
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons.
%%
IBM: Itty Bitty Mouse
%%
IBM: I've Become Magnanimous
%%
IBM: I've Been Mangled
%%
IBM: I've Been Mauled
%%
IBM: I've Been Mesmerized
%%
IBM: I've Been Misled
%%
IBM: I've Been Moved.
%%
IBM: I've Been Mugged.
%%
IBM manuals are written by little old ladies in Poughkeepie who are
instructed to say nothing specific.
%%
IBM Manual: The following is a heretofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
thing you can do about it.
%%
IBMPOTENT
%%
IBM PS/1 - A Prodigy Workstation !
%%
IBM PS/1 - The EDLIN of Computers!
%%
IBM:
 Standards proposing organization. IBM develops hardware architectures,
 and builds slow underpowered prototypes for other companies to improve
 upon. See Clone.
%%
IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.
%%
IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique'
 to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the
 ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT
 OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all
 this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor
 approaches the pot, he falls into the pit
 -- John C Dvorak
%%
IBM virus scan: Amiga found - delete? (Y/y).
%%
IBM: When you care enough to spend the very most.
%%
I BM, You BM, They BM, We all BM for IBM.
%%
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
%%
I BOOTED my computer. Broke my toe!
%%
I bought a battery holder, it's called a diskman.
%%
I bought a blank tape at the stereo store, and came home and put
it on my stereo.  A few minutes later there's a knock at my door.
It's a neighbor complaining.  He's a mime.
(I didn't REALLY hear him knock!)
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought a cassette tape on how to be successful. It was one of those
 subliminal tapes, a motivational cassette. It was $19.95 and it kept
 saying, "Don't ask for your money back, don't ask for your money back." I
 exchanged it for one on how to be more assertive. Then I went back and
 threw it through the store window. The store owner came out. He had been
 listening to a motivational tape on how to commit murder. If he hadn't been
 listening at slow speed I would never have been able to dodge the bullets.
 -- Ron Smith
%%
I bought a computer to save time ..
%%
I bought a cordless extension cord.
%%
I bought a few more though and I will enter some from them as I read.
%%
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I'm gonna find a tractor that
 small.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought an exercise bicycle two years ago. It has an eighth of a mile on
 it. See, what happened is, I discovered that the handlebars fit my sport
 jacket perfectly. And there's a place for my beer and McDonald's right
 under it ... the most expensive coat hanger in New York.
 -- Robert Klein
%%
I bought an internal modem, but I can't swallow it.
%%
I bought a portable cable tv.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
 sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought Jane Fonda's exercise book. I use it as a snack tray.
%%
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
 department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
 when to stop unwrapping.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog. But he's a little sadistic. He
 does impressions of cars screeching to a halt.
 -- Larry Amoros
%%
I bought myself a new car and the first thing I done was grease it all
 over--so the finance company can't get a hold of it.
 -- Rod Brasfield
%%
I bought some land that was kind of cheap.  It was on someone else's property.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I bought the latest computer;
it came fully loaded.
It was guaranteed for 90 days,
but in 30 was outmoded!
 -- The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT
%%
I bought this tagline with all of my lottery money.
%%
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this
 little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front
 of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street
 with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
%%
IBP: Insert Bug and Proceed
%%
I brake for brick walls.
%%
I brake for chezlogs!
%%
I brake for hockey!
%%
I brake for macro nerds...
%%
I brake for tailgaters.
%%
I brake for Unicorns.
%%
I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
"Bambi", the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to be
great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe as an
absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm.
You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover the meadow,
generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, your mom gets
shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on your head, and
your peers start heading off into the clover with the apparent intention of
having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still
eight, I think I'd prefer _Rambo III_."
 -- Townsend Davis
%%
I brew the beer that I drink.
%%
IBR: Insert Bugs at Random
%%
I broke a leg one time, spilt coffee all over...
%%
"I broke a mirror in my house.  I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I broke my arm trying to hold open a revolving door for a girl.
%%
I broke my Window and saw OS/2.
%%
I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies. He
 told me from now on I had to pay in advance.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I brought my wife with me to Las Vegas. You know how you pack a lot of
 things you don't need.
 -- Dave Barry (stand-up comic of the 1960s)
%%
I built my soul a lordly pleasure-house,
  Wherein at ease for aye to dwell.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- The Palace of Art
%%
I built this cruise missile to stop those kids from playing ZZ Top.
%%
I burned the bacon. Do I still get my cooking merit badge?
%%
I burn to set the imprison'd wranglers free,
And give them voice and utterance once again.
Now stir the fire, and close the shutters fast,
Let fall the curtains, wheel the sofa round,
And while the bubbling and loud-hissing urn
Throws up a steamy column, and the cups
That cheer but not inebriate
So let us welcome peaceful evening in.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iv, The Winter Evening, Line 34
%%
I call a complete and generous education that which fits a man to
perform justly, skillfully, and magnanimously all the offices, both
public and private, of peace and war.
 -- John Milton
%%
I call a fig a fig, a spade a spade.
 Menander (292 BC)
%%
I call a wrong number. A guy on the other end says, "Well, what number did
 you dial?" "Well, did it ring at your house? Then I guess it's yours, Mr.
 Wizard!"
 -- Larry Reeb
%%
I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic
depravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient
is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty*      -- I call it
the *one* mortal blemish of mankind.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
I called the New World into existence to redress the balance of the Old.
 -- George Canning (1770-1827)
 -- The King's Message, Dec. 12, 1826
%%
I call my computer "Hole in the Desk"
%%
I call my girlfriend BASEBALL...She won't play without a diamond.
%%
I Call My Horse Flattery Because He Gets Me Nowhere.
%%
I call that a scumhead.
 -- James Joyce
 -- Finnegans Wake
%%
I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
 -- Biff Barf
%%
I call things as I see them; If I don't see them, I dish out the BS.
%%
I came down from Jacksonville on a train that was the slowest train I'd
 ever been on. I said to the conductor, "Can't you run any faster?" He said,
 "Yeah, but I gotta stay on the train."

 A woman ran up to the conductor and said, "Stop the train. I have to get to
 the maternity hospital." He said, "You had no business getting on the train
 in that condition." She said, "I didn't."
 -- Jimmy Edmondson (Professor Backwards)
%%
I came from a poor family. We never had meat at our house. And whenever I
 would go by a butcher's window I thought there had been a terrible
 accident.
 -- Jack Paar
%%
"I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...
 ...and I'm all out of bubble gum."
 -- From THEY LIVE!
%%
   I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one
minute of my life.  Nor to any part of my energy.  Nor to any
achievement of mine.  No matter who makes the claim, how large their
number or how great their need.
   I wished to come here and say that I am a man who does not exist
for others.
 -- Howard Roark
%%
I came in late, but don't worry. I'll leave early to make up for it.
%%
I came. I saw. I charged it.
%%
I came, I saw, I confused.
%%
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
%%
I came, I saw, I had no idea what was going on, so I left!
%%
I came, I saw, I left.
%%
I came, I saw, ......I ordered another drink!
%%
I came, I saw, I screwed up.
%%
I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!
%%
I came, I saw, I went back into the house.
%%
I came, I saw, she conquered.
%%
I came to a movie theater. The marquee just read: "Dyslexia: Movie The."
 -- Tommy Sledge
%%
     "I came to Berkeley," said Ray, "I saw Kathy and Karen, and I had lunch
with them."
     "Oh, NO!"       I cried with the sudden inspiration that wouldn't wait.
"Veni, vidi, lunchi!  I CAME, I SAW, I LUNCHED!!"
%%
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
%%
I came to see you off, and you certainly are!
%%
I came up stairs into the world, for I was born in a cellar.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- Love for Love, Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
I came up with a new Politically Correct term,
   Religiously Impaired
Unfortunately, I don't know if it applies to atheists or fundamentalists.
%%
I can add, test, and branch; therefore I am.
%%
I can also withstand considerably more G-force than most people,
   even though I do say so myself.
 -- Third Doctor, AMBASSADORS OF DEATH
%%
I can assure you that size will not be a problem.
 -- Worf
%%
I can be convinced of ANYthing. With logic.
%%
I can be expected to look for truth but not to find it.
 -- French philosopher Denis Diderot
%%
I Can Bitch, I Voted, Can You?
%%
I can compare our rich misers to nothing so fitly as to a whale;
that plays and tumbles, driving the poor fry before him, and at last
devours them all at a mouthful.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
I can count even higher if I take my shoes off.
%%
        "I can do a score of things that can't be done.  I can find a
thing I cannot see, and see a thing I cannot find.  The first is time,
and the second is spots before my eyes.  I can touch a thing I cannot
feel, and feel a thing I cannot touch.    The first is your heart, and
the second is sad and sorry."
 -- James Thurber (1894-1961), "The Thirteen Clocks"
%%
I can do it all for you / But I don't want to.
%%
I can do two things at once & I'm not confused.
%%
I can eat that taco with 6 squirts of hot sauce.
%%
I can endure my own despair but not another's hope.
 -- William Walsh, Song
%%
I can enjoy her while she 's kind;
But when she dances in the wind,
And shakes the wings and will not stay,
I puff the prostitute away.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Imitation of Horace, Book iii, Ode 29, Line 81
%%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
relentless day.
 -- Betty MacDonald
%%
I can find my ears, but I have to look.
%%
I Can Fix It: Jerry Rigg
%%
"I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a
fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize."
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse; borrowing
only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable.
%%
I can give her attention, Doctor, but I am incapable of giving her love.
Now why do I find that so hard to believe?
 -- Data and Dr. Crusher, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
I can give you a definite perhaps.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I can give you a sentence with the word horticulture.   You
 can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
I can give you a sentence with the word punctilious.   There's
 a farmer with two daughters, Lizzie and Tillie.  Lizzie is
 all right, but you have no idea how punctilious.
 -- Another member of the Algonquin Round Table
%%
"I can give you my word, but I know what it's
 worth and you don't."
 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
%%
I can handle pain until it hurts.
%%
"I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's
 much too confining."
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
I can hardly bear to watch.
%%
I can hardly keep me eyes open.
 -- Liz, Spearhead from Space
%%
I can hardly wait for immortality to come back into style.
%%
I can hardly wait to see a sax player tune the economy...
%%
I can help; my fees are reasonable.
%%
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
               an Ohio steel plant,1988
%%
I can jump black holes.
 -- Stephen Hawking
%%
I can jump dictionareys.
 -- Dan Quayle
%%
I can jump spreadsheets.
 -- Bill Gates
%%
I can keep a secret.  It's the people I tell that can't.
%%
I can lick my weight in wildflowers.
%%
I can live for two hours on a good hamburger.
%%
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
I can look sharp as well as another, and let me alone to keep the
cobwebs out of my eyes.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
I can multi-task.....I read in the bathroom!
%%
I canna change the laws of physics, Captain, but I can
find ye a loophole.
%%
I can name all ten of the Seven Dwarves!
%%
I can name that file in TWO bytes!
%%
I can neither confirm nor deny knowledge of that subject.
%%
I can never make up my mind if I'm happy being a flute player, or if I
wish I were Eric Clapton.
 -- Ian Anderson
%%
I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist
indoctrination, communist subversion and the international communist
conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids!
 -- Col. Jack Ripper, _Dr._Strangelove_
%%
I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man. Therefore, I affirm both.
Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete. Human unity
is the fulfillment of diversity. It is the harmony of opposites. It is
a many-stranded texture, with color and depth.
 -- Norman Cousins
%%
I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
 -- (Jean) Louis (Rodolphe) Agassiz (1807-1873),
 -- Swiss-born, American naturalist
 -- Letter refusing lecture course offer
%%
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
 -- Lillian Hellman
%%
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
I cannot believe it. She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to
  Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal
  Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court...and stood at the end of
  passage pretending to be a door.
 -- Edmund : Money
%%
I cannot but remember such things were,
That were most precious to me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
%%
I cannot convince myself that there is anyone so wise, so universally
comprehensive in his judgment, that he can be trusted with the power to
tell others:  'You shall not express yourself thus, you shall not
describe your own experiences; or depict the fantasies which your mind
has created; or laugh at what others set up as respectable; or question
old beliefs; or contradict the dogmas of the church, of our society, our
economic systems, and our political orthodoxy.'
 -- Jake Zeitlin
%%
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat wild oats; if it be a man's work I will do it.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
I cannot eat but little meat,
  My stomach is not good;
But sure I think that I can drink
  With him that wears a hood.
 -- Bishop Still (John) (1543-1607)
 -- Gammer Gurton's Needle, Act ii
%%
I cannot give any scientist of any age better advice than this: the
 intensity of a conviction that a hypothesis is true has no bearing over
 whether it is true or not.
 -- Peter Medawar
%%
I cannot here avoid giving my most decided sufferage in favour of the
moral qualities of maniacs.  I have no where met, excepting in
romances, with fonder husbands, more affectionate parents, more
impassioned ... than in the lunatic asylum, during their intervals of
calmness and reason.
 -- Philippe Pinel, 'Treatise on Insanity' 1801
%%
I cannot live without books.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar.  For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II.
 -- Dave Barry, An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar
%%
I cannot perform that action for you.
%%
I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, unexercised and
unbreathed, that never sallies out and sees her adversary, but slinks
out of the race where that immortal garland is to be run for, not
without dust and heat.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Areopagitica
%%
 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
 "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:
 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
%%
I cannot rely on your primitive technology. Kill the patient.
 -- Anya to Dr. Pulaski, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
I cannot remember a time when I did not take it as understood
that everybody has at least two, if not twenty-two, sides to him.
 -- Robertson Davies from Fifth Business
%%
I can not say that I don't disagree with you.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can
say is they must change if they are to get better.
 -- G. C. Lichtenberg
%%
I cannot talk with civet in the room,
A fine puss-gentleman that 's all perfume.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Conversation, Line 283
%%
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I cannot work 300 hours a week.

There are only 168 hours in a week.
Not only does your planning suffer
from negative pressure gradients,
but so does your math.
 -- Dan to management at 2 AM
%%
I can only tell you that I sincerely wish that I didn't know now what I
 didn't know then.
%%
I can pet animals by the mouthful.
%%
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can
 picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
"I can prove that if there is life anywhere else in the world,
they will have a Marxist economy."
 -- Woody Allen, "Stardust Memories"
%%
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
%%
I can read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First I read the
 beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and
 read toward whichever end I like best.
 -- Gracie Allenacie Allen
%%
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
%%
I can relate to that.
%%
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
 go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."  She said, "It's real easy.
 Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down to the end
 of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and
 she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
true.
 -- Harry Truman
%%
I can remember when nostalgia was worthwhile.
%%
I can remember when the doctor said that sleep was a good cure for whatever
 it was that ailed us. Now, we find that too much sleep is harmful.
%%
"I can repeat poetry as well as other folk if it comes to that--"
"Oh, it needn't come to that!" Alice hastily said.
 -- Lewis Carroll
%%
I can say 'Saskatchewan' without starting to stutter.
 --  The Proclaimers
%%
I can say with confidence I know a fair bit about LSD.
 -- Dan Rather
%%
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
%%
I can seek clearly now, doublespace is gone...
%%
I can see light through the slits but the passage is blocked.
%%
I can see more on my knees than on my tiptoes
%%
"I can see stopping a car for a dog.  But a cat?
 You squish a cat and go on.  I think we're overcomplicating life."
 -- Iowa Democratic State Senator James Gallagher
%%
I can see the hate that was there; I can see the bigotry. I can see
it from his perspective.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing his impressions
                   of "The Autobiography of Malcolm X."
                   (The Wall Street Journal, 6/8/92 - taken from
                    The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
%%
I can see the time when every city will have one.
 -- An American mayor's reaction to the
           news of the invention of the telephone
%%
I can see where your daughter gets her ready wit...
I thank you.
...although where she gets her good looks and charm is perhaps more
  of a mystery...
 -- Edmund and Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability
%%
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
 Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese?  They
 probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I can see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
%%
I can smell my nose hairs.
%%
I can stand anything but a succession of ordinary days
%%
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
 fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.  Then he'd spin it round and
 round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
 "Tadpoles!  Tadpoles is a winner!"  We all thought he was crazy.  But then, we
 had some growing up to do.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I can take a noun and bend it.  Gimme a noun!
%%
I can talk about Weight Watchers with affection--even though I was on their
 casualty list. The thing I remember most about Weight Watchers was the
 weekly meetings ... Every week three hundred of the fattest people in the
 area would gather in one room and discuss their common problems--how to get
 out of the room.
 -- Totie Fields
%%
I can't always control what my mind thinks!
%%
I can't begin to describe how happy I am.
%%
I can't be humble -- it's just not honest.
%%
I can't be late--I just got here.
%%
I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and
 it's two hundred grand. The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two
 hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the
 window.
 -- Garry Shandling
%%
"I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry."
 -- The Simpsons
%%
I can't believe I wrote that whole thing.
%%
I can't believe my computer's on fire.
%%
"I can't believe that Henry Kissinger actually said
`Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.' I loved
 Edie's comment: `The bombing of Vietnam shows what
 it takes for him to get it up!'"
 -- Jane Wagner
%%
I can't believe that of 100,000 sperm you were quickest.
%%
I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!
%%
"I can't believe you haven't had sex in 200 years."
"204 if you count my marriage."
 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
%%
I can't be out of money!  I still have some checks left!
%%
I can't be out of RAM; I still have hard disk space left!
%%
I can't be overdrawn, I still have more cheques!
%%
I can't be stupid, I completed third grade!
%%
I can't be wrong; my modem is error-correcting.
%%
 I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
 brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
 assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
 stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
 you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
 something about myself.  Thanks.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 I can't come to the phone now, so...  Hey -- that's a nice phone
 you have there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet
 you have answering machines bothering you all the time...  Yes
 indeedy.  Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
 listen to some old recordings...  I might even play my beep for
 you.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
 I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
 to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
 this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
 it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
 listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
 confusing.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
 I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
 basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
 If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
 handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
 need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
 Treasury, please ignore this message.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
 -- Joe Walsh
%%
I can't cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
 -- Carol Siskind
%%
I can't C with my AI closed.
%%
I can't decide between EDLIN and WordPerfect Six......
%%
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
 -- Florence Henderson
%%
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
 I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I can't diet for medical reasons, it makes me HUNGRY!
%%
"I can't do anything to the death - doctor's orders."
 -- Woody Allen, "Love and death"
%%
I can't drive 55.
%%
I can't drive 55.
I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.
%%
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.  The problem
is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
"I can tell a Moriarty when I see one.  This crime is from London,
not America."
 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Valley of Fear"
%%
I can tell I'm getting older. I'm starting to use "old people" cliches. The
 other day I actually told someone I slept like a baby. Like I woke up
 hungry every two hours with a mess in my pants.
 -- Jack Gallagher
%%
I can tell where my own shoe pinches me; and you must not think, sir,
to catch old birds with chaff.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap. v
%%
I can tell you in two words: im possible.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I can tell you're really upset about this, Dave; I really think you should
 sit down, take a stress pill, and think about it.
 -- HAL 9000
%%
I can't face the world in the morning.
 I must have coffee before I can speak.
 -- Joseph Cotton in Shadow of a Doubt
%%
I can't get ACAD12 to work on my TRS-80...
%%
I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to tape their
 albums.
 -- Margaret Smith
%%
I can't get experience without a job. I can't get a job without experience.
 -- Johnny
%%
I can't get no satisfaction.
 -- the glimmer twins
%%
I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but
I can give you a formula for failure: try to please
everybody all the time.
 -- Herbert Bayard Swope
%%
I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
 -- the Wizard of Oz
%%
I CAN'T go to hell, they don't want me.
%%
I can't go to no stonin' today!
%%
I can't grow up--I'm too old
%%
I can't have a baby!
 -- Sam Beckett
%%
I can't hear what you're saying because of the noise of the celery I'm
chewing in my ears.
%%
I can't hear you over all this line noise!
%%
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
%%
I can't hear you, type louder.
%%
I can't help admiring you, at least until you put the gun down.
%%
I can't help being me...I was born this way.
%%
I can't help feeling a certain pride in the admiration of women.
I suspect that is one of my biggest failings.
 -- Jose Torres
%%
"I can't help feeling wary when I hear anything
 said about the masses. First you take their faces
 from 'em by calling 'em the masses and then you
 accuse 'em of not having any faces."
 -- J. B. Priestley (1733-1804)
%%
I can't help it if I'm lucky...
%%
I can't help it -- I'm a lawyer.
%%
I can't help it, it's my nature.
%%
I can't help showing my enthusiasm.
%%
I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to
 pleasure.
 -- John D. Rockefeller
%%
I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have
  to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on
  their television screens.
 -- Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)
%%
I can't imagine myself ever getting big enough to do two things: have a
 cartoon series about myself or wave from a float.
 -- Richard Lewis
%%
I can tolerate a little abstinence if the other person does it in
 moderation. Usually, it is a weak person who yields to the temptation of
 denying himself or herself the pleasure that is the abstainer.
%%
I can't over the hill, yet...I'm still climbing hard.
%%
I can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend.
%%
I can trace my s back 8 generations.
%%
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
%%
I can't read anything. The light is too bad.
%%
I can't relax, 'cause I'm a Boinger!
 -- Steve Dallas (Bloom County)
%%
I can't remember if I used to know that.
%%
I can't remember which are mine and which are Jack Butler's...
%%
I can't resist (as the superconductor said).
%%
I can't say 'I love you' in less than a minute.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I can't say I've ever been lost, but I was bewildered
once for three days.
 -- Daniel Boone (1734-1820), attributed
%%
I can't seem to find time to procrastinate...
%%
I can't seem to to get all the pieces to fit. When the pieces come in
contact contact their shape is distorted by some power. Maybe some heat would
solve solve the problem.
%%
I Can't See The Difference: Sam Ting
%%
I can't see the forest for the clearcuts.....
%%
I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence.
  I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.
 -- Baldrick : Sense and Senility
%%
I can't sing, but I can rhyme, give me a contract, anytime!
%%
I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to do?

Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the message
that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that sloppy
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that
soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.
 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews
Answers Your Questions on Netiquette"
%%
I can't stand burnt toast and I loathe bus stations.
 -- The Doctor
%%
I can't stand intolerant people.
 -- Tore Adolfson
%%
I can't stand it anymore and I don't even know what it is!
%%
I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
 forms, you've got to kill the people producing them.
 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, General Director of the Ivanovo Machine Building Works
%%
I can't stand working with these morons anymore...
rm -r /
%%
I can't stop my leg!!!
%%
I can't stop thinking like this.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I can't take your call right now, at the tone, hang up.
%%
I can't tell if I'm a kingpin or a pauper!
%%
I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
 LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"I can't think of anything more relaxing than being locked
in a moving car with YOU for about 300 hours, little pal."
"That's really sweet, Sam.  I may weep openly."
 -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police
%%
I can't think of anything that remotely fits the subject.
%%
I can't unclasp my hands.
%%
I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can
 understand it.
 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
%%
I can't understand it; induction always worked before...
%%
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he
 can easily buy one for a few dollars.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
I can't understand why everyone nowadays has such a low opinion of marital
 sex. The marriage experts apparently believe that nine out of ten married
 couples find it easier to get the kids to bed than to lure each other there
 ... Oddly enough, one never reads about an unmarried couple having any
 problems of sexual adjustment. Unlike Mr. and Mrs., who just can't seem to
 get the hang of it, the unmarried take to sex like ducks to water and
 unfailingly achieve perfect union in a star-spangled blaze of glory ...
 They exist in a rarefied stratosphere, unmarred by the little domestic
 difficulties that plague marriage. You never read of an unmarried couple
 running out of cigarettes or losing the car keys. And they never, never,
 never disagree about what time is bedtime. It always is.
 -- Jane Goodsell
%%
I can turn off my modem. I can turn off my modem. I can t
%%
I can't use Windows 3.0: My wife killed my mouse.
%%
I can't use Windows.  My cat ate my mouse.
%%
I can't wait for 1994! Throw the liberals OUT of office!
%%
I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows.
%%
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you
 swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?"
 "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with
 her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
%%
I can type 10% faster in the nude.
%%
I can type, but have truble speling.
%%
I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
%%
I can wear my shirts as pants.
%%
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write
faster than anybody who can write better.
 -- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
%%
I can write it perfectly; I just don't understand it.
%%
I care not, Fortune, what you me deny:
You cannot rob me of free Nature's grace,
You cannot shut the windows of the sky
Through which Aurora shows her brightening face;
You cannot bar my constant feet to trace
The woods and lawns, by living stream, at eve:
Let health my nerves and finer fibres brace,
And I their toys to the great children leave:
Of fancy, reason, virtue, naught can me bereave.
 -- James Thomson (1700-1748)
 -- The Castle of Indolence, Canto ii, Stanza 3
%%
I carry a life size map of America in pocket. When people ask me where
I'm from,
I point to E - 5.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I carry a rabbit's foot in my pocket because it saves me lots of money ...
 Every time my wife sticks her hand in she thinks it's a mouse.
 -- "Senator" Ed Ford
%%
I carry the dust of a journey...
 -- ELP
%%
Icarus "Aaaaaahhhhhhhh....."
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Icarus was a soar loser.
%%
I cast a 'gate' spell and gate in the Iraqi Air Force.
%%
I cast before the Moone.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), Page 78
%%
I [] CATS! Especially for 1 hour at 350 with some veggies.
%%
I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xxix, 13
%%
ICB: Interrupt, Crash and Burn
%%
:ICBM address: n. (Also `missile address') The form used to
   register a site with the USENET mapping project includes a blank
   for longitude and latitude, preferably to seconds-of-arc accuracy.
   This is actually used for generating geographically-correct maps of
   USENET links on a plotter; however, it has become traditional to
   refer to this as one's `ICBM address' or `missile address', and
   many people include it in their {sig block} with that name.
   (A real missile address would include target altitude.)
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
ICBM = Start of the daily routine for an Eskimo.
%%
Icebox Surprise Pie.
 -- Jeffrey's favorite recipes
%%
:ice: [coined by USENETter Tom Maddox, popularized by William
   Gibson's cyberpunk SF novels: a contrived acronym for `Intrusion
   Countermeasure Electronics'] Security software (in Gibson's novels,
   software that responds to intrusion by attempting to literally kill
   the intruder).  Also, `icebreaker': a program designed for
   cracking security on a system.

   Neither term is in serious use yet as of mid-1993, but many hackers
   find the metaphor attractive, and each may develop a denotation in
   the future. In the meantime, the speculative usage could be
   confused with `ICE', an acronym for "in-circuit emulator".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ice cold beer is better than ice cold anything else.
%%
Ice cream bomb:  Napolean Blownapart!
%%
Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
 -- Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine
%%
Ice cream has no bones.
%%
Iced Tea, the house wine of the south.
%%
Ice not found, pour straight to continue.
%%
(Ice rocks hit the hull)  "Captain, we are being hailed."
%%
I certainly wasn't happy.  Happiness has to do with reason, and only
reason earns it.  What I was given was the thing you can't earn, and
can't keep, and often don't even recognize at the time; I mean joy.
 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
%%
ice screw: drastic cure for a severe case of horn.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Ice skater advice - Don't judge a brook by its cover.
%%
Ice skating is fine, unless you happen to be on the wrong side of the ice.
%%
ICE
  What water becomes if you freeze it. (See "gas", "Celsius") The
  main uses of ice are to cool down drinks with, place down people's
  backs, and economical housing for Eskimos.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
standing still ...
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I charge thee, fling away ambition:
By that sin fell the angels.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
Ich beschw\ore euch, meine Br\uder, _bleibt der Erde treu_ und glaubt denen
nicht, welche euch von \ubererdischen Hoffnungen reden! Giftmischer sind es,
ob sie es wissen oder nicht.
 -- Nietzsche
 -- Also Sprach Zarathustra
%%
Ich bin ein Berlinium!
 -- J.F.Kennedium
%%
..  ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
 ich lande im antiken Rom...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
 ich rieche PIZZA...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough.
%%
I choked Linda Lovelace.
%%
I chop down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra.
%%
ICHOR, n.  A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of
blood.

    Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,
    Restrained the raging chief and said:
    "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled --
    Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"
                                                             Mary Doke
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
"I chose and my world was shaken.
    So what?
The choice may have been mistaken --
    The choosing was not."
 -- Stephen Sondheim, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE
%%
Ici on aime nous Canadiens.
%%
Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin...
 -- The Knights Who So Recently Said Nee!
%%
I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events
have controlled me.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
%%
ICMD: Initiate Core Melt Down
%%
ICM: Immerse Central Memory
%%
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
%%
I collect opinions like ships collect barnacles.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I collect Virginities.  Can I have yours?
%%
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I come from a good home - that's why they don't want me back.
%%
I come from a long line of progenitors.
%%
I come in peace. I only seek alcohol, men, and hockey!
%%
I come in peace. I only seek alcohol, women, and hockey!
%%
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts:
I am no orator, as Brutus is;
But, as you know me all, a plain blunt man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I come not
To hear such flattery now, and in my presence.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act v, Sc. 3
%%
I come to pluck your berries harsh and crude,
And with forc'd fingers rude
Shatter your leaves before the mellowing year.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Lycidas, Line 3
%%
I come unbundled.
%%
I compacted my editor but my messages are no smaller?
%%
I compute, therefore IBM.
%%
I confess! I've been peeing in the sink!
%%
I confess that I love Pooh and have never seen Beavis and Butthead.
%%
I confess that in 1901, I said that man would not fly for 50 years.
 -- Wilbur Wright, 1908
%%
I confuse myself just fine, thank you.  Don't need help.
%%
Iconoclasm as a way of life...
%%
ICONOCLAST, n.  A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are
imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest
that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but
pileth not up.  For the poor things would have other idols in place of
those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.  But the
iconoclast saith:  "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not;
and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress
the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I consider a day in which I make love only once virtually wasted.
%%
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
%%
I consider trial by jury as the only anchor yet devised by man, by
which a government can be held to the principles of its constitution.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
I consider your very testy and quarrelsome people in the same light
as I do a loaded gun, which may, by accident, go off and kill one.
 -- Shenstone
%%
ICONS == Inarguably, Computer's Obsolete!  No Salvageability
%%
I contemplate with sovereign reverence the act of the whole American people
 which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an
 establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus
 building a wall of separation between church and state.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, to the Danbury (Connecticut) Baptist Association in 1802
%%
I continue to miss my ex-wife. But my aim WILL improve!
%%
I continuously have this cash flow problem - it is all flowing in the wrong
 direction.
%%
"I cook with gas, I ride in tractors, I drink with deceased movie actors."
 -- Badger Rap, from "Badger"
%%
I [] CorelDRAW! v. 2.0!
%%
...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want
to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the
Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet
people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business
there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press.   But so far, the whole
country is like a concentration camp.  The barbed wire on the fence around
the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark.  This openness that
you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed
to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders.  These
leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or
appease it.  He will say: Yes, we can do business!    This while his
military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a
population of 17 million.  Can you imagine that?
 -- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
 -- Defense Electronics, Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%%
I coulda gone a long time without hearing this.
%%
I could be a country-western singer.  I just got done writing my latest song:

If I had met you earlier, I would have gotten rid of you long before now.
%%
I could buy a 3DO, or I could eat this year! Decisions, decisions...
%%
I could catch to boat to save myself. So I drowned in dry dock!
%%
I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating
than the man who invented retreating.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
I could have better spared a better man.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
I could have more fun in a cat litter. - Ford.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I could never be an anarchist, they have too many rules.
You have to hate the government.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
I could never make out what those damned dots meant.
 -- Lord Randolph Churchill, former Chancellor of the Exchequer
 -- regarding decimal points
%%
I could never sleep my way to the top / 'Cause my alarm
clock always wakes me right up.
 -- They Might Be Giants
 -- Hey, Mr D.J., I Thought You Said We Had a Deal
%%
I could not at any age be content to take my place in a corner by
the fireside and simply look on.
 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
I could not love thee, dear, so much,
  Lov'd I not honour more.
 -- Richard Lovelace (1618-1658)
 -- To Lucasta, on going to the Wars
%%
"I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in my chair, knowing a man
 such as Moriarty walked the streets of London unchallenged."
 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"
%%
I could not say I believe. I know! I have had the experience of being
gripped by something that is stronger than myself, something that people call
God.
 -- Carl Jung
%%
I couldn't decide which tagline to use.... so I used this one.
%%
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I couldn't help but be impressed by the magnitude of the earthquake.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, stepping out of
                   the helicopter upon arrival at Alameda Naval Air
                   Station.
%%
I couldn't love the woman - she wouldn't lie down.
%%
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
%%
"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."
 -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%%
I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.   Except perhaps
the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ...
 -- Peter Oakley
%%
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn LOUDER.
%%
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
 -- Jonathan Winters
%%
I could prove God statistically.
 -- George Gallup
%%
I could recommend mescaline to everyone. Listen, there's a lot of people in
 this room. If one of you fell off a roof someday, if you did that in your
 normal state of mind--forget it. But if you took mescaline and fell off
 that same roof, you'd be saying, "So far, so good."
 -- Bob Altman
%%
I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of
interest.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South
                  American Indian Doll that, when lifted, displays an
                  erection, 3/11/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I could try for the rest of my life, but that wouldn't be half enough.
%%
I could use a shower.
Yes.
 -- Kirk & Spock, "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
I count life just a stuff
To try the soul's strength on.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- In a Balcony
%%
I count religion but a childish toy ... there is no sin but ignorance.
%%
I created her for *my* needs -- and only mine!
 You ought to see what she can do with six
 bottles of milk and a tuning fork...
%%
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no class.
%%
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no credit cards.
%%
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks.
%%
I cried for the man who had no hair until I met the man
who had no head
%%
ICR: Incur Costly Repair [Sun Tempest]
%%
I Cry Your Pardon, Gunslinger.
%%
I 'C' said the blind man.
%%
ICSP: Invert Crt Screen Picture
%%
I C, therefore I link  (and think, and drink)
%%
IC : Understanding as in 'Oh, IC'.
%%
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
%%
I cut down trees, I skip and jump.
%%
I C what you mean.
%%
I dabble in stocks, bonds and other "secure" instruments.
%%
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%%
I dance around and sing a song and know that I can do no wrong.
%%
I dare do all that may become a man;
Who dares do more is none.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 7
%%
I daresay whatever you want is around here somewhere.
%%
 "I Dare You" by Hugo Furst
 -- Booktip of the month
%%
I dare you to 'Trick or Treat' at the White House.
%%
I dated Betty Crocker.  She was easy, soft and moist.
%%
I 'd be a butterfly born in a bower,
  Where roses and lilies and violets meet.
 -- Thomas Haynes Bayly (1797-1839)
 -- I 'd be a Butterfly
%%
I'd be an agnostic if I cared that much
%%
I'd be a narcissist, but I'm WAY too ugly.
%%
I'd Be a Red-Hot Mama If I Didn't Have These Varicose Veins.
 -- Anna Russell
%%
I'd be as good as new if it weren't for a thing or two.
%%
I'd be smarter if you knew enough to teach me...
%%
I'd better get off the phone now,
I've already told you more than I heard myself.
 -- Loretta Lockhorn
%%
I'd buy that for a bar of gold-pressed latinum!
%%
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating
a dead horse.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I'd change the world for the better - if only I could get
hold of the source code.
%%
IDC: Initiate Destruct Command
%%
I'd do anything for a hundred pounds, of DOLLARS, my dear Dudley!
%%
I'd do anything to make you happy, but you're asking too much.
%%
Ideal goals grow faster than the means of attaining new goals allow.
 -- Mallory Wober
%%
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
 -- John Galsworthy
%%
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality
the cost becomes prohibitive.
 -- William F. Buckley
%%
Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
%%
Idealism + Pragmatism = Cynicism
%%
Idealists of course are unpredictable. They tend to be the ones who
    turn bitter overnight, deceived by the lies they've told themselves.
 -- Don DeLillo
%%
Ideally, there should be a gender transition movement.
%%
Ideals are like stars.  You will not succeed in touching them with
your hands.  But, like the seafaring man on the desert of waters,
you choose them as your guides and following them you will reach your
destiny.
%%
Ideals are like the stars: we never reach them,
but like the mariners of the sea,
we chart our course by them.
 -- Carl Schurz
%%
Ideals kill politicians, and politicians kill ideals.
%%
Ideas are avoiding me in droves.
 -- R. B. Seaton
%%
Ideas are duty free.
%%
Ideas are like rabbits.  You get a couple and learn how to handle them,
and pretty soon you have a dozen.
 -- John Steinbeck
%%
Ideas are more powerful than guns.  We would not let our enemies
have guns, why should we let them have ideas?
 -- Josef Stalin
%%
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.
%%
Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion
to their soundness and validity.
 -- Fried's 23rd Law
%%
Ideas must work through the brains and arms of men, or they are no
better than dreams.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff--small and flaky.
%%
Ideas shape the course of history.
 -- John Maynard Keynes
%%
I decline to accept the end of man.
 -- William Faulkner
%%
I'de enjoy the ride, If I knew what it was?
%%
I demand IMPUNITY!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I demand that I may or may not be lying!
%%
I demand that I may or may not be Vroomfondel!
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
:idempotent: [from mathematical techspeak] adj. Acting as if used
   only once, even if used multiple times.  This term is often used
   with respect to {C} header files, which contain common
   definitions and declarations to be included by several source
   files.  If a header file is ever included twice during the same
   compilation (perhaps due to nested #include files), compilation
   errors can result unless the header file has protected itself
   against multiple inclusion; a header file so protected is said to
   be idempotent.  The term can also be used to describe an
   initialization subroutine that is arranged to perform some
   critical action exactly once, even if the routine is called several
   times.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
I'd enjoy the day more if it started later.
%%
Identical units tested identically will not behave identically in the field.
 -- The RPCISPE's Eighteenth Universal Law
%%
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave
in an identical fashion in the field.
%%
Identify things before you use them.
%%
Ideologies separate us.  Dreams and anguish bring us together.
 -- Eugene Ionesco
%%
I deserve respect for the things I did not do.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
%%
I despise WINDOWS!
%%
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day
 die, which is not so.
 -- Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)
%%
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
%%
I'd feel better about doctors if it wasn't called 'Practice'.
%%
I'd forget my balls if they didn't come in a bag.
%%
I'd get my mind from the gutter but I'm afraid of heights.
%%
"I'd get out of here now if I were you.  It's not safe here."
  "Trust me - it's not safe out there either."
"Oh hell, I forgot that."
 -- From the TV series WAR OF THE WORLDS
%%
I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire.
 -- Lewis Timberlake
%%
I'd give everyone a Twinkie, but I'm not a Hostess..
%%
I'd give my right arm to be able to touch type.
%%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
 -- Oxymoron
%%
I'd give you a piece of my mind....but I can't find it.
%%
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one.
%%
I'd go on welfare, but I'm not used to living that well!
%%
I'd hate to be a new baby being born into this world today. There seems to
 be so much trouble everywhere. If I were a new baby, I don't think I could
 stand knowing what I was going to have to go through. That's why they don't
 show them any newspapers for the first two years.
 -- Charles Schulz ("Peanuts")
%%
I'd hate to die twice.  It's so boring.
 -- The last words of Richard P. Feynman
%%
I'd hate to make a judgement on that until all the facts are in.
%%
I'd hate to think we're seriously hampering the productivity of America.
But, on the other hand, what the heck!
 -- Computer game magnate Les Crane, "Time"
%%
I'd have a hilarious tagline, but Clinton hasn't done much today.
%%
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
I did all that with EDLIN.  No, really!
%%
I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easy
that they didn't rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out,
I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people and
the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the piece
_Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamed
and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised to
rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, and
again, they hadn't rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second time
than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancel
the performance; they then said over the radio that i had insisted on their
cancelling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen."
Can you believe it?
 -- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89
%%
I did not care one straw.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1, 21, (411.)
%%
I did NOT escape....they gave me a day pass.
%%
I did not know in 1969 that I would be in this room today, I'll confess.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle responding to questions in 1988 about
                   allegations that he used family connections to get into
                   the Indiana National Guard.
                   (reported in the Washington Post, 8/26/88)
%%
I did not play with toys.
 -- Worf, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
I didn't accept it.  I received it.
 -- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan,
 -- explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given
 -- by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange
 -- a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
%%
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I
 approved of it.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either.
%%
:I didn't change anything!: interj. An aggrieved cry often heard as
   bugs manifest during a regression test.  The {canonical} reply to
   this assertion is "Then it works just the same as it did before,
   doesn't it?"  See also {one-line fix}.  This is also heard from
   applications programmers trying to blame an obvious applications
   problem on an unrelated systems software change, for example a
   divide-by-0 fault after terminals were added to a network.
   Usually, their statement is found to be false.  Upon close
   questioning, they will admit some major restructuring of the
   program that shouldn't have broken anything, in their opinion,
   but which actually {hosed} the code completely.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!!
%%
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
%%
I didn't create reality...I'm just trapped in it!
%%
I didn't do anything--unless I was supposed to.
%%
"I Didn't do it" by Ivan Alibi
%%
I didn't do it!
 -- Crusty the Clown
%%
I didn't do it! It's really San Andreas' fault!
%%
I didn't do it, the computer did it!
%%
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway
instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd
hear this rumbling noise go by.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I didn't get the documentation for the manuals!
%%
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
I didn't kill Grandpa!  Society killed Grandpa!!
 -- Bart
%%
I didn't know fish HAD fingers !!!
%%
I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hind-sight, I realize that
when I was younger I could see into the future.  Now I'm getting all
my premonitions as flashbacks!
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
%%
I didn't know Maxwell had thermodynamic relations...I guess he got around.
%%
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The
curtain was up.
%%
I didn't lose my mind; it's here somewhere.
%%
I didn't make a mistake.  The computer misunderstood my request.
%%
I didn't mean to do that on purpose.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I didn't mind if they groomed me for success (yech!) or if they said
 that I was a fool.
 -- Ian Anderson
%%
I didn't order any WOO-WOO...  Maybe a YUBBA..  But no WOO-WOO!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I didn't pay a lot for this dress. I got it for a bargain. I heard somebody
 say I must've got this dress for a ridiculous figure.
 -- Minnie Pearl
%%
I didn't resolve the questions... and I find that
 entertaining.      And if my life were to end
 tomorrow, it would be fulfilled in that manner.  I
 would say, 'The questions have been terrific.'
 -- Jack Kirby on his work
%%
I didn't say that!
 -- Confucius Says
%%
I didn't shoot J.R.
%%
I didn't STEAL your tagline, I IMPROVED it!
%%
I didn't think; I experimented.
 -- Wilhelm Roentgen
%%
I didn't think it could be done, though given Sun's track record, I
suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that they've managed to produce
an even worse keyboard than any that they previously had on the
market.
 -- Steve Wadlow
%%
I didn't trip - I was caught in a sudden gust of gravity.
%%
I didn't understand this at first, but YOUR CONVINCING USE
OF CAPITAL LETTERS HAS MADE IT ALL CLEAR TO ME.
 -- J. Nairn
%%
I didn't vote for Change!  But that's all I've got left.
%%
I didn't want to die and go to actor heaven or actor hell and have
some guy come up to me and say, 'You were a star and you didn't do
Shakespeare?'
 -- Dustin Hoffman on doing Shylock.  (12/31/89 Playbill)
%%
I didn't write that! It sounds more like Shakespeare!
%%
I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
%%
I didn't yield to temptation.  I came to a complete stop.
%%
I DID read the manual! That's why I'm confused !!
%%
I did send a copy of the disk; I xeroxed it!
%%
I did use taglines, but I never inhaled.
%%
I die,--but first I have possess'd,
And come what may, I have been bless'd.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Giaour, Line 1114
%%
I died for your sins, and all I got was this lousy button.
%%
I die...I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country.
I think that's pretty unlikely, sir. If I were you I'd try for
  something a bit more realistic.
Like what?
Um...you hope that men will think of you...as a bit of a thicky?
 -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
IDI: Invoke Divine Intervention
%%
I dinna know ya' c'uld get wool from 'em too!
%%
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
%%
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
%%
Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
Idiot congressman....Hey! That's redundant.
%%
Idiot (id-ee-it) n.- One who disagrees with you.
%%
IDIOT, n.  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  The Idiot's
activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,
but "pervades and regulates the whole."  He has the last word in
everything; his decision is unappealable.  He sets the fashions and
opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes
conduct with a dead-line.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Idiot-Proofing assumes a finite number of idiots.
%%
I dip my pen in the blackest ink, because I am not afraid of falling
into my inkpot.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
I disagree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to
tell such LIES, LIES!  ALL LIES!
 -- Voltaire's Evil Twin
%%
I disarmed the trap.
%%
I Disclaim All Warranties Of Merchantability
%%
I disclaim my disclaimer!
%%
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.  So I
said, "Get off me, you two!"
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-
 like-what-we-give-you attitude.   I like commodity markets in which iron-and-
 silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types
 like me to play with...
 -- Eric S. Raymond
%%
I dislike letters from Inland Revenue that end "your obedient servant." And
 that space on every income tax form which says, "Do not write in this
 space." We suggest dropping a small blob of candle grease on it--on the
 very sound principle that if you can't write in that space ...

 The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little
 smile to one little face today--then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
 -- David Frost
%%
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
%%
I distrust a close-mouthed man.   He generally picks the wrong time to talk
 and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
 unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.   I'll
 tell you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
 -- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%%
I distrust all systematisers, and avoid them.
The will to a system shows a lack of honesty.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
 -- Gotzen-Dammerung [The Twilight of the Idols] (1888)
 -- "Maxims and Missiles" no. 26
%%
I distrust a man who says 'when.'   If he's got to be careful not to drink too
 much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
 -- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%%
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week with drinking.
%%
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
%%
I'd kill everyone in this room for one drop of sweeeet beer.
%%
I'd kill Flipper for a good tuna sandwich right now.
%%
Idle hands are the devils playthings....
 busy hands will make you go blind.
%%
Idleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and parliaments.
If we can get rid of the former, we may easily bear the latter.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Letter on the Stamp Act, July 1, 1765
%%
Idleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and parliaments,
which is why we need a productivity rebate.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
Idleness is an appendix to nobility.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 2, Subsect. 6
%%
Idleness is leisure gone to seed.
%%
Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds.
 -- Stanhope
%%
Idleness is the art of being a vegetable.
%%
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
%%
Idleness is tough because you get no rest periods.
%%
IDLENESS, n.  A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of
new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Idleness travels very slowly, and poverty soon overtakes her.
 -- Hunter
%%
I'd like a stud Mcmuffin....to go.
%%
I'd like it all automated.
%%
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'd like some JUNK FOOD...  and then I want to be ALONE --
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'd like to autograph your bed pan.
%%
I'd like to be an obstetrician. Look at all the guys you have working for
 you all the time.
 -- Bert Henry
%%
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above
 the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I'd like to be rich enough so that I could throw soap away
after the letters are worn off.
 -- Andy Rooney, American author and television commentator
%%
I'd like to be under the sea, in an octopus' garden in the shade.
%%
I'd like to buy him for what I think he is worth, and sell him
for what he thinks he is worth.
%%
I'd like to come back as an oyster. Then I'd only have to be good from
 September until April.
 -- Gracie Allen
%%
I'd like to fly, but I can't even swim.
%%
I'd like to have breakfast with you...should I call you
or nudge you?
%%
I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.
%%
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working
 on now.
%%
I'd like to ram a hunk of fried goat cheese straight up his ass.
 -- A wonderful line from MYSTIC PIZZA
%%
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out
 of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
 pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a documentary!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you
 can really see it in those genitals.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past _me_!
Well, go to Spain. There are millions of 'em.
 -- Percy and Edmund : Bells
%%
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's called, "They'll
 Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'd lose my body if my brain weren't surrounded by it.
%%
I'd love to be a flier - up there where the air is clear.
The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick,
  are zero.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
having fun gives me prickly heat.
 -- 91 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
 -- 54 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
 -- 11 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
 -- 41 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I feel a song coming on.
 -- 71 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
 -- 43 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
 -- 49 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
 -- 51 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to bleach my hare.
 -- 74 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
 -- 17 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
 -- 68 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to floss my cat.
 -- 1 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to fluff my shower cap.
 -- 35 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to fulfill my potential.
 -- 40 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
 -- 88 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
 -- 15 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to jog my memory.
 -- 93 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
 -- 86 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have too much guilt.
 -- 66 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to rotate my crops.
 -- 83 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
 -- 99 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
 -- 96 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to study for a blood test.
 -- 79 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
 -- 90 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
 -- 65 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
 -- 63 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I left my body in my other clothes.
 -- 46 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'll be looking for a parking space.
 -- 31 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
 -- 38 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
 -- 56 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
 -- 25 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm being deported.
 -- 29 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm building a pig from a kit.
 -- 10 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
 -- 36 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
 -- 14 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
 -- 12 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
 -- 23 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
 -- 45 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
 -- 28 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
 -- 18 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm going to be old someday.
 -- 80 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
 -- 89 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
 -- 92 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm having all my plants neutered.
 -- 52 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
 -- 87 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm in training to be a household pest.
 -- 22 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
 -- 55 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
 -- 82 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
 -- 19 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
 -- 62 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm sandblasting my oven.
 -- 26 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
 -- 7 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
 -- 34 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
 -- 16 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
 -- 64 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm touring China with a wok band.
 -- 58 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm trying to be less popular.
 -- 72 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm trying to cut down.
 -- 100 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
 -- 21 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
 -- 69 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
 -- 85 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
 -- 75 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
 -- 27 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
 -- 76 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
 -- 60 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I prefer to remain an enigma.
 -- 97 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
 -- 70 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I think you want the OTHER [your name].
 -- 98 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
 -- 8 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
It's too close to the turn of the century.
 -- 42 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
 -- 9 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
 -- 6 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
 -- 81 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
 -- 37 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
 -- 2 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
 -- 48 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
 -- 3 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my bathroom tiles need grouting.
 -- 73 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
 -- 59 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my crayons all melted together.
 -- 20 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
 -- 95 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my favorite commercial is on TV.
 -- 78 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
 -- 32 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
 -- 61 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my palm reader advised against it.
 -- 94 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my patent is pending.
 -- 24 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my plot to take over the world is thickening.
 -- 39 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my subconscious says no.
 -- 44 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my uncle escaped again.
 -- 84 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
 -- 57 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
none of my socks match.
 -- 50 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
 -- 53 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
the grunion are running.
 -- 30 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
the last time I went, I never came back.
 -- 47 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
the man on television told me to say tuned.
 -- 5 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
 -- 33 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
the President said he might drop in.
 -- 4 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
there are important world issues that need worrying about.
 -- 67 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
there's a disturbance in the Force.
 -- 13 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
...well, maybe.
 -- 101 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
 -- I'd love to, but...
you know how we psychos are.
 -- 77 of 101 Easy Ways To Say NO
%%
I'd love to have my conk fixed.  It's too big.
 -- Princess Diana
%%
I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it.
%%
I'd love to own a candy factory.  I'd make a mint!
%%
I'd much rather a pitbull 'ride' my leg than eat it.
%%
I'd much rather have a chest to chest session.
%%
I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her,
 but I wouldn't marry her.
 -- Hoyt Axton in a marvelous Pizza Hut commercial
%%
IDNOP: InDirect No-OP
%%
I do a lot of research, especially in ladies apartments.
%%
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
%%
  I do but sing because I must,
And pipe but as the linnets sing.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xxi, Stanza 6
%%
I do desire we may be better strangers.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I do everything for a reason,
most of the time the reason is for money.
 -- Suzy Parker
%%
I'd offer everyone a Twinkie, but I'm not hostes
%%
I'd offer you some gum, but I don't have any.
 -- April Cooper
%%
I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
mind like mine to perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the
bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
different.
 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
%%
I do have a political agenda. It's to have as few regulations as possible.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I do hereby assign all intangibles, in perpetuity,...
%%
I do- I do- I do- I do- what any normal person would do at that age.
You call home.  You call home to mother and father and say, "I'd like
to get into the National Guard."
 -- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/19/88
                   (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I do know a few things about anatomy, Jean-Luc.
 -- Beverly
%%
I do know everything.  I just can't remember it all at once!
%%
I do know of these
That therefore only are reputed wise
For saying nothing.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I do more work all day than some people do before 5 AM.
%%
I do my best not to offend, without fucking with the purpose.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I do my best to be just who I am, but everybody wants me to be just like them.
%%
I'd only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there forever.
...Quite so, Baldrick. It can be your lucky willy.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Bells
%%
I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
 -- Thomas Carlyle
%%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman
church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant
church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself
to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
I do not comment on intelligent matters.
 -- Jim Bolger
%%
I do not distinguish by the eye, but by the mind, which is the proper
judge of the man.
 -- Seneca (8 BC)
 -- On a Happy Life, 2, (L'Estrange's Abstract, Chap, i.)
%%
I do not eat to live. I live to eat.
%%
I do not even fulfill the domestic-content requirements for being a
cabinet secretary.
 -- Labor Secretary Reich,
 -- Noting that his replacement hip was made in Germany and France, 1994
%%
I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him.
 -- Theresa of Avila
%%
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
 -- Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)
%%
I DO NOT...I do not yell.
 -- Worf
%%
I do not know how it is with you, but for myself I generally give up at the
outset. The simplest problems which come up from day to day seem to me quite
unanswerable as soon as I try to get below the surface.
 -- Justice Learned Hand
%%
I do not know how other people would set about the task.  I can
therefore only tell you how I myself have approached the matter, and I
must submit to the reproach that my way of solving the problem is the
outcome of my individual prejudice.  Indeed, this objection is so
entirely true, that I should not know how to meet it.  I might,
perhaps, content myself by referring to Columbus, who, by using
subjective assumptions, a false hypothesis, and a route abandoned by
modern navigation, nevertheless discovered America.
 -- C.G. Jung, "Modern Man in Search of a Soul"
%%
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
I do not know the method of drawing up an indictment against a whole people.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Speech on the Conciliation of America, Vol. ii, p. 136
%%
I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem
to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting
myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell
than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered
before me.
 -- Isaac Newton (1642-1727)
 -- Brewster's Memoirs of Newton, Vol. ii, Chap. xxvii
%%
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I
 am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
 -- Chang-tzu
%%
I do not like this word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb, it is a device which is
exploding.
 -- Jacques Le Blanc, French ambassador to New Zealand
 -- speaking to the (NZ) National Press Club
 -- about French nuclear tests in the South Pacific; reported by NPR.
%%
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
I do not love a man who is zealous for nothing.
 -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
I do not love thee, Sabidius, nor can I say why; this only I can say,
I do not love thee.
 -- Martial (40-102 AD)
 -- Epigram i, 32
%%
I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author
which, starting from philosophical premises likely to met with general
acceptance, reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of
one's life is to devote it to research in mathematics.
 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker (1873-1956)
 -- Scientific American, Volume 183, September 1950, page 42
%%
I do not resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it parts for
the time with reality.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
I do not serve things evil. I am evil.
 -- Armus, "Skin of Evil", stardate 41601.3
%%
I do not set my life at a pin's fee.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
I do NOT steal taglines; I make "backups" which I use!
%%
I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel
 myself infinitely the happier for it.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
I do not take drugs. I am drugs.
 -- Salvador Dali (still alive, 9/27/88)
%%
I do not think the United States government
 is responsible for the fact that a bunch of
 fanatics decided to kill themselves
 -- Slick Willie the Compassionate
%%
I do not understand the threat I bring to you.
%%
I do not want my house to be walled in on all sides and my windows
to be stuffed.  I want the cultures of all the lands to be blown about
my house as freely as possible.  But I refuse to be blown off my feet
by any.
 -- Gandhi
%%
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking
them.
 -- Jane Austen
%%
I do not want to die... until I have faithfully made the most of
my talent and cultivated the seed that was placed in me until the
last small twig has grown.
 -- Kathe Kollwitz
%%
I do not wish to kill nor to be killed, but I can foresee circumstances in
which these things would be by me unavoidable.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
I do now remember the poor creature, small beer.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
I don't agree at all with any partisan or other criticism of the United States
 build-up in Vietnam.
 -- Richard Milhouse Nixon, February 15, 1962
%%
I don't agree with Rush -- Rush agrees with ME!
%%
I don't believe a tree is a tree and if you've seen one you've
seen them all.
 -- Ronald Reagan, Sacramento Bee, 9/14/66
%%
I don't believe in a no-win scenario.
 -- James T. Kirk
%%
I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't
believe in astrology.
 -- James R. F. Quirk
%%
I don't believe in atheism.
 -- Charade
%%
I don't believe in atheists.
%%
I don't believe in backu[NO CARRIER]
%%
I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.
 -- John Lennon
%%
I don't believe in god because I don't believe in Mother Goose.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
I don't believe in intuition, but I have this feeling that someday I will.
%%
I don't believe in love.  I never have I never will.
%%
I don't believe in nagging at a man. You can accomplish so much more by
 hitting him with something.
 -- Norman Hoifjeld
%%
I don't believe in pessimism.  If something doesn't come up the way you want,
forge ahead.  If you think it's going to rain, it will.
 -- Clint Eastwood
%%
I don't believe in princerple,
  But oh I du in interest.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- The Biglow Papers, First Series, No. vi
%%
I don't believe in psychology.   I believe in good moves.
 -- Bobby Fischer
%%
I don't believe in reason, objective reality or collective farming.
%%
I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person,
 unless he has an atomic weapon.
 -- Howard Chaykin
%%
I don't beLIEve slick wilLIE!
%%
I don't believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or make
you feel miserable either.  Life is just supposed to make you feel.
 -- Gloria Naylor
%%
I don't believe that the answer to white racism is black racism.
 -- Spiro T. Agnew, then Governor of Maryland
%%
I don't believe The American people want a gelding in the White House.
 -- Grover Cleveland, then Presidential candidate when the news came out
 -- before the election of 1884
 -- that he was supporting a 10-year-old illegitimate son.
%%
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE..  I think it's all
 just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
 ..  to sell more numbers!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I don't believe this. You hate Denebian Slime?
You deserve a horrible wasting death, uncurable by any means!
%%
I don't believe you've met my young friend Ace, an expert in
 calorification, incineration, carbonization, and inflammation.
 -- Doctor, The Happiness Patrol
%%
I don't bite. Well...actually, I do.
 -- K'Ehleyr to Worf, "The Emissary", stardate 42901.3
%%
"I don't Bolivia."  "Denmark my words, you'll regret it."
%%
I DON'T brake for feminists.
%%
I don't brake for incumbents.
%%
I don't buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. 'Cause people kill
 people. That's an animal instinct. I think breaking into someone's home and
 ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.
 -- Sue Kolinsky
%%
I don't care for the poison, but I love the antidote.
%%
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%%
...I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a
lot more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and
further behind the real world where even simple systems can produce the
most marvelous chaos.
 -- Peter da Silva
%%
I don't care how many times they go up-tiddly-up-up, they're still
  gits.
 -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in.
%%
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like
to run their own business.   I know men that would make my wife a better
husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
I don't care if I AM a lemming, I still won't jump!
%%
I don't care if I'm a lemming - I'm not going!
%%
I don't care if it is politics; bait-and-switch is still illegal.
%%
I don't CARE if you're on fire!  Stop SCREAMING like that!
%%
I don't care what happens to the salesperson on the other end of the line.
 I am not buying any more magazine subscriptions by telephone, no matter.
%%
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
I don't care what the orders are. I'm for getting out of here NOW!
%%
I don't care what "they" say, disco *STILL* sucks!
%%
I don't care what you think of me, so long as it's favorable.
%%
I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.
 -- Calvin Trillin
%%
I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating
 -- Boss Tweed
%%
I don't care who you are fat man, get off my roof!!!!
%%
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Just get those reindeer off my roof.
%%
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
%%
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on water
while I'm fishing!
%%
I Don't Charge Tax, I Collect It
 -- Mark E. Sunderlin aka Dr. Megabyte
%%
I don't cheat, I play by the extended rules.
%%
I don't claim to have a monopoly on the truth,
Or know what lies in the depths of your heart,
But of all I do not know, and of all I can not find,
The hardest part is knowing that I'll never win your love.
 -- Mark Gardner
%%
I don't delegate responsibility--I delegate blame
%%
I don't DESERVE this!!  I haven't even KILLED anyone in this issue!
 -- Kobra, in an Ambush Bug story in DC Presents
%%
I don't do drugs.  Books are my escape from reality.
%%
I don't do jogging, it makes my beer all foamy.
%%
I don't do Mondays!!
%%
I don't do mornings...
%%
I don't do reports, it's against my religion.
%%
I don't do skating, it makes my beer all foamy.
%%
I don't do taglines.
%%
I don't do this for my health, you understand. I do it for the pain.
I *LOVE* the pain!
 -- Professor Hugh D. Young, quoted out of context.
%%
I don't do Windows, but OS/2 does.
%%
I Don't do windows.      ...I don't have the time!
%%
I don't do work, but I have a friend who does
%%
I DON'T EAT ANYTHING WITH A FACE!
%%
I don't eat snails.  I prefer fast food.
 -- Robert Aboud
%%
I don't engage in a battle of wits with defenseless people.
%%
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
 -- Katherine Cebrian
%%
I don't even know what street Canada is on.
 -- Al Capone
%%
------------------------------
I don't even listen to 2 Live Crew, being more of a John Denver kind of guy.
 -- Scott Dietzen
------------------------------
First off, I'm embarrassed to be Dietzen's friend because I don't like
 anyone who listens to John Denver.     I want everyone to know that he threw
 that in there just to make you think he was a complete idiot.
 -- Bill Chiles
------------------------------
%%
I don't exercise. What's in it for me? You've got to offer me more than my
 life to get me on a Stairmaster grunting for two hours. I view my body as a
 way of getting my head from one place to another.
 -- Dave Thomas
%%
 I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name
 and number, I'll call you back when I am...
     (or)
 I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your
 name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in
 person.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
I don't expect executives to be creative but I do expect them to have
courage.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
 -- Starting from Scratch: A Different Kind of Writer's Manual
%%
I don't expect it to read my mind; that's why I've got a girlfriend.
%%
I don't feel good.
 -- The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)
%%
 I don't feel in the least bit humble before the vastness of the heavens.
 The stars may be large, but they can not think or love; and these are the
 qualities which impress me far more than size does.
 -- FP Ramsey
%%
I don't feel up to this... I'm going back to bed.
%%
I don't get even, I get Odder!!
%%
I don't get mad -- I get odd.
%%
I don't get no respect. No respect at all. Every time I get into an
 elevator the operator says the same thing: "Basement?" No respect. When I
 was a kid we played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. The
 other day I was standing in front of a big apartment house. The doorman
 asked me to get him a cab ... I bought a used car--I found my wife's dress
 in the back seat.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
I don't give Bill Clinton any credibility.
%%
I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my
 mother's maiden name.
 -- Paula Poundstone
%%
I don't have a drinking problem.
 I drink
 I get drunk
 I fall down
 No problem
%%
I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
%%
I don't have all the answers, just those that count.
%%
I don't have an attitude, babe--I AM an attitude.
%%
I don't have an attitude problem--it's supposed to be like this.
%%
I don't have an overactive imagination--I live in an
underactive universe
%%
I don't have any HIDDEN prejudices!
%%
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
I don't have anything against face lifts, but I think a good rule of thumb
 is that it's time to stop when you look permanently frightened.
 -- Susan Forfleet
%%
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs
 in my socks.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
I don't have a REAL life - I'm a BBS addict!
%%
I don't have a REAL life - I'm a SysOp!
%%
I don't have a weird sense of humor. Your reality is just weird.
%%
I don't have burnout, but I'm slightly singed.
%%
I don't have insomnia - it's just that I don't always
remember to sleep.
%%
I don't have the time for a hobby. I have a computer.
%%
I don't have time for a crisis!
%%
I don't have time to think, I've got programs to write.
%%
I don't have to agree with your opinion but I do respect it, 'cos you're so
unique like everybody else in this universe. My opinions are my experiences.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah.
 -- Sandra Hereld
%%
I don't have to experience tragedy to understand it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle during a photo-op
                   in LA, responding to criticisms that he didn't
                   understand what it meant to live in the "inner
                   city." (WRAL 6/23/92)
%%
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting
to abuse me.
  -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%%
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun
 when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say "C'mere
 Stay C'mere Stay" and he'd go like crazy... He's a lot smarter than that
 now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
%%
I don't HAVE ulcers--I give them!
%%
I don't just tempt fate - I give it the finger.
%%
I don't kill my enemies: I slime them
 -- Odo
%%
I don't know.
%%
I don't know about microwave ovens. Food should not get hotter as you're
 eating it. It can't be good for you ... Maybe it's just mine. I've got a
 cheap microwave. It doesn't have a door. It just cooks whatever's around,
 and when I get dizzy, I know lunch is ready.
 -- Billiam Coronel
%%
I don't know about your brain, but mine is really... bossy.
 -- L. Anderson
%%
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
 -- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
%%
I don't know, but I've been told a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
%%
I don't know but I've been told
 the streets of heaven are lined with gold
 I ask you how things could get much worse
 if the russians happened to get up there first
 wowee,pretty scary
 -- Robert Zimmerman
%%
I don't know how I got here....
%%
I don't know how to lock or unlock such a thing.
%%
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
 -- Jack Kerouac
%%
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation
  if He didn't.
 -- Jules Renard
%%
I don't know if I like the idea of seatbelt laws. Enforcing intelligence
 seems, somehow, unamerican.
 -- David Pugh
%%
I don't know if she likes this, but in a way I treat her as a staff
person.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, referring to Marilyn
%%
I don't know if she'll have time for you, Wes. She's destined to rule an
  entire world.
 -- Riker to Wesley about Salia, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
I don't know if the death penalty ever stopped anyone from killin', but
it stops 'em from killin' again.
 -- Elvis
%%
I don't know, I'm making this up as I go.
 -- Indiana Jones/Adrian Lake
%%
I don't know much about art, but I know when somebody is getting away with
 murder.
 -- Bill Hoest
%%
I don't know much about hell, but you probably have to
fly though Atlanta to get there.
 -- my mother
%%
I don't know much about panda bears, Number One.
 -- Picard
%%
I don't know music, but I know what I like.
 -- Beerbohm.
%%
I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country
untaxed, except the answer to prayer.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they
 be considered patriots.   This is one nation under God.
 -- George Bush in Free Inquiry magazine, Fall 1988
%%
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please
everybody.
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
I don't know the word "stop". Use "quit" if you want to give up.
%%
I don't know, what do you think?
%%
I don't know what I'd believe in if it weren't for my lucky astrology
 mood watch.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I don't know what I like, but I know what art is.
%%
I don't know what it is about reggea music,
but it gives me the munchies every time.
%%
I don't know what's wrong with people! All I ask them to do is exactly
what I tell them.
%%
I don't know what their
 gripe is.   A critic is
 simply someone paid to
 render opinions glibly.
               Critics are grinks and groinks.
 -- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics
%%
I don't know what to do!  I can't make decisions!  I'm a president!
%%
        I don't know what you mean by 'glory', Alice said
     Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  Of course you don't --
till I tell you.   I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
you!'
       But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,' Alice
objected.
         When I use a word, Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
less.
          The question is, said Alice, whether you can make words mean
so many different things.
       The question is, said Humpty Dumpty, which is to be master--
that's all.
 -- Lewis Carrol, Through the Looking Glass
%%
I don't know what you mean by YOUR way,
all the ways about here belong to ME -
but why did you come out here at all?
%%
I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know:
the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have
sought and found how to serve.
 -- Albert Schweitzer
%%
I don't know what your pleasure threshold is. <G'Kar<
%%
I don't know where the cave is, but hereabouts no stream can run on
the the surface for long. I would try the stream.
%%
I don't know where we come from,
Don't know where we're going to,
And if all this should have a reason,
We would be the last to know.
So let's just hope there is a promised land,
And until then,
...as best as you can.
 -- Steppenwolf, Rock Me Baby
%%
I don't know whether to shoot myself or go bowling.
%%
I don't know who my grandfather was; I'm much more concerned to know
what his grandson will be.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I don't know who, why or
when, but somewhere at some time someone will have a
life-and-death need for two snowflakes exactly alike.
 -- J. Calvin Smith's Absolute Certainty No. 1
%%
..  I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
 LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know
why I'll do it again.
 -- Bart Simpson
%%
I don't know WHY I said that..  I think it came from the FILLINGS
 in my rear molars..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I don't know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God.
%%
I don't know why people are frightened of the new ideas.
I am frightened of the old ones.
 -- John Cage
%%
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
 -- Bumper sticker
%%
I don't like any of my loved ones.
%%
I don't like chaos but chaos likes me.
%%
I don't like Clinton. I didn't vote for
 Clinton. And I don't like her husband either.
%%
I don't like dating rednecks because you can't do anything cultural with
 them. Take them to an art gallery, and they'll say, "This is crap." "That's
 a Picasso," I reply. "What about this bunch of damn squiggles?" "That's a
 Kandinsky." "All right, well, like in this one the guy's got a pencil neck,
 his nose is upside down, and his eyes are on the same side of his head."
 "That's a mirror."
 -- Pam Stone
%%
I don't like dogs. Keep getting mustard on my catching glove...
%%
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
%%
I don't like hip-hop, oh no... I love it, yeah
%%
I don't like it (Quantum Mech.), and I'm sorry I had anything
to do with it.
 -- Erwin Schroedinger
%%
I don't like money - but it quiets my spirit.
%%
I don't like people who speak French in public
 places.  This includes the French.
 -- Ian Shoales
%%
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it,
and I just hate it.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do
with them?
%%
I don't like talking to philosophers. I'm always worried that they
 might be laughing behind my back because they know I don't exist.
%%
I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I don't like the idea that people can call you in your car. I think there's
 news you shouldn't get at sixty miles per hour. "Pregnant? Whooaaaah!" But
 if we're gonna have car telephones, I think we definitely should have car
 telephone answering machines: "Tom's at home right now. But as soon as he
 goes out, he'll get back to you."
 -- Tom Parks
%%
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside
my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see
the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store
-- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
"I don't like this... it was too easy."
  "You think it was a trap, huh?"
"NAH... It was just too easy... I didn't get to shoot NEAR enough people..."
 -- Kelvin Mace and Assistant
%%
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell
- you see, I have friends in both places.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
I don't like violence but I'm very good at it.
%%
I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
I don't make much sense because the rest of the world doesn't either.
%%
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
 -- Cash McCall
%%
I don't mean to make you feel guilty, but I would if I could.
%%
I don't meet competition, I crush it.
 -- Charles Revson
%%
I don't mind a man going around telling lies about me, but he'll hear from
 me if he dares to tell the truth!
 -- Jimmy Savo
%%
I don't mind arguing with myself.
 Its when I lose that it bothers me.
 -- Richard Powers
%%
I don't mind being ... fat. I was in the Big Man's Shop and a salesman came
 up to me and said, "We have jogging suits in your size." Why? Last time I
 ran was in '82. I didn't hear the bells on the ice-cream truck the first
 time.
 -- Max Alexander
%%
I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as I
don't have to live there.
%%
I don't mind being in touch with reality, so long as I
don't have to pay the phone bill.
%%
I don't mind being pampered, but I will NOT be possessed!!!
%%
I don't mind crazies.  At least they're committed!
%%
I don't mind getting messy to have a good time.
%%
I don't mind getting older. I just mind that I have aging children.
%%
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour
 will be the only thing I've saved this year.
 -- Victor Borge
%%
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
 -- Ronald Mabbitt
%%
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.
 -- Marilyn Monroe
%%
I don't mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.
 -- Ruth Buzzi
%%
I don't mind occasionally having to reinvent a wheel; I don't even
mind using someone's reinvented wheel occassionally.   But it helps a
lot if it is symmetric, contains no fewer than ten sides, and has the
axle centered.  I do tire of trapezoidal wheels with offset axles
 -- Joseph M. Newcomer
%%
I don't mind straight people, as long as they act gay in public.
%%
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
 streets and frighten the horses.
 -- Victor Hugo
%%
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a
 language I don't understand.
 -- Sir Edward Appleton
%%
I don't mind you *thinking* I'm stupid, but don't
 *talk* to me like I'm stupid.
 -- Harlan Ellison
%%
I don't miss deadlines, I ignore them.
%%
I dont nead no speling cheker!
%%
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
 -- Marshall McLuhan
%%
I don't need a bed of roses, cuz roses wither away.
%%
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
%%
I don't need a friend who changes when I change
and who nods when I nod;
my shadow does that much better.
 -- Plutarch
%%
I don't need a warranty.  I'll just take it back.
%%
I don't need directions. I need HELP!
%%
I don't need parents.  All I need is a recording that says,
'Go play outside!'
 -- Calvin and Hobbes
%%
I don't need psychotherapy, I have a CAR!!
 -- Hans Fiedler
%%
I don't need the same excuses, all this talk is really useless
 -- NGDB
%%
I don't need to be born again.  I got it right the first time.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
I don't need your word, I've got your short hairs!
%%
I don't need you, you know--I can be lonely all by myself.
%%
I don't normally drink and I'm not normally normal.
%%
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before??
%%
I don't often make a mistake, but when I do, it's a beaut.
 -- Fiorello La Guardia
%%
I don't own any slaves. My wife has one, though.
%%
I don't patronize bunny rabbits!
 -- Heathers
%%
I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
 -- Red Skelton
%%
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm
 preaching to.
 -- Bob Dobbes, in Newsweek
%%
I don't pretend to have all the answers.  I don't pretend to even know what the
 questions are.  Hey, where am I?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I don't pretend to understand the universe--it's much
bigger than I am.
 -- Einstein
%%
I don't purr - I don't beep - I ain't cute!
%%
I don't read msgs. I just look for Taglines.
%%
I dont read these either...
%%
I don't really trust a sane person.
 -- Lyle Alzado
%%
I don't recall running for this office.
%%
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
%%
I don't remember volunteering for this "Ring" business.
%%
I don't see how you can eat peanuts with that!
%%
I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), The Celebrated Jumping Frog
%%
I don't see no points on your ears, boy, but you sound like a Vulcan.
"No, sir. I am an android."
Almost as bad.
"I thought it was generally accepted, sir, that Vulcans are an advanced
  and most honorable race."
They are. And also damned annoying at times.
 -- McCoy and Data, "Encounter at Farpoint", stardate 41153.7
%%
I don't see the point of lecturers talking, except to resolve some of the
 ambiguities in their handwriting.
%%
I don't see the problem.   Satan is a Christian God.  Satanists are a
 kind of off-beat christians.  They don't need a group of their own --
 they belong in some christian group, or talk.religion.misc at most.
 -- Thomas Gramstad ([e-mail])
%%
I don't see you guys rating the kind of "mate" I'm contemplating...
%%
I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there.
%%
"I don't sing, I don't dance, and I don't like people who do."
 -- Late Night with David Letterman
%%
I don't smoke !! That was the flamethrower !!
%%
I DON'T SPEAK FOR ANYONE INCLUDING MYSELF!
%%
I don't speak for my company, ....
 my company does not speak for me....
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
I don't speak for others and they don't speak for me.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
I don't steal taglines; I just recycle them.
%%
I don't steal taglines. I redirect them to my hard drive.
%%
I don't steal taglines -- I replicate them.
%%
I don't stoop to conquer - I merely conquer.
%%
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
%%
I don't suffer from insanity--I revel in it!
%%
I don't suffer from mental illness... I enjoy it.
%%
I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete.
%%
I don't take your complaining seriously.
%%
I don't take your whining seriously.
%%
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after
  they're dead.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I don't think Christians should use birth control.   You consummate your
 marriage as often as you like and if you have babies, you have babies.
 -- Randall Terry, one of the people behind the current campaign to blockade
    health clinics and publicly harass and humiliate women
%%
I don't think I could take a mellow evening because I don't respond
 well to mellow. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to--if I get too
 mellow--I ripen and then rot.
 -- Woody Allen (in Annie Hall)
%%
I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
%%
I don't think I'll get married again.  I'll just find a woman I don't like
and give her a house.
 -- Lewis Grizzard
%%
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
 under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a
 hammer.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I don't think it's fair to call people middle-aged just because they're not
 so young anymore.
 -- Syd Hoff
%%
I don't think I want to kill for your entertainment....
 -- Blake
%%
I don't think money buys happiness, but I'd like to know for sure.
%%
I don't think Mr. Ranger is gonna like this, Yogi...
%%
I don't think my parents liked me.
They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I don't think so.
%%
I don't think so. Homey don't play dat.
%%
I don't think so - Homey the Clown
%%
I don't think so, said Rene' Descartes.     Just then, he vanished.
%%
I don't think ... therefore, I am a conservative.
%%
I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.   On the other
hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.
%%
I don't think they had Wookiees in mind when they built her.
%%
I don't think this is a wise idea. They already tried to kill me once.
One sure way into the record books.
 -- Dr. Stubbs and Riker, "Evolution", stardate 43125.8
%%
I don't think we can stand to have it [Mars] sitting out there without
dinking with it.
 -- Arden Albee, Jet Propulsion Laboratory, on Mars mission
%%
I don't think we have the right or the wisdom to interfere, however
  a planet is evolving.
 -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
%%
I don't think we're in Arkansas anymore, Socks.
%%
I don't think we should punish the criminal [a rapist] by killing his child.
 -- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, Search for
       Common Ground, taped for television 4/89, as quoted in The Far
      Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
I don't think you'll find enjoyment's on the agenda.
 -- Security Officer Rudge, TERROR OF THE VERVOIDS
%%
I don't trust anybody who is unbiased or has no opinions.
 -- Kaymar Enshayan
%%
I don't trust career advisors.  If they knew anything about getting
a job they wouldn't be career advisors.
 -- Happy Harry (Christian Slater), Pump Up The Volume
%%
I don't trust men who smile too much.
 -- Commander Kor the Klingon, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
%%
I don't trust President Clinton...OR her husband!
%%
I don't understand couples that break up and get back together--especially
 couples who divorce and remarry. That's like pouring milk on a bowl of
 cereal, tasting it, and saying, "This milk is sour. Well, I'll put it back
 in the refrigerator--maybe it will be okay tomorrow."
 -- Larry Miller
%%
"I don't understand", said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush to the sea
and drown yourselves".  "How curious", said the lemming, "The one thing I don't
understand is why you human beings don't."
 -- James Thurber.
%%
I don't understand some phrases. Take "I look forward to seeing you." Why
 don't you listen forward to looking me? One night a woman came to me after
 a concert and said, "I haven't laughed so much since my husband died." My
 own English isn't too good. Somebody remarked to me, "Spring in the air,
 Mr. Borge." And I jumped eight feet.
 -- Victor Borge
%%
..  I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I don't understand this.  It just sucks!
 -- Beavis
%%
I don't understand why everybody's in disguise.
 -- Lemmy Kilmister
%%
I don't understand you anymore.
%%
I don't understand you.
 -- Every man who ever lived to every woman he's ever known
%%
I don't use an Amiga myself...
%%
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
 -- M. C. Escher
%%
I don't use taglines.  Wait, what's this?  Hey!
%%
I don't vote.  It just encourages them.
 -- A Maine woman
%%
I don't wanna work, I wanna bang on the drum all day.
%%
I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch myself.
%%
I don't want any yes-men around me.  I want everybody to tell me the
 truth even if it costs them their jobs.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I don't want it now, I bloody well want it RIGHT now!
%%
I don't want it Now, or Right Now, I want it YESTERDAY!
%%
I don't want much out of life, just the bare necessities. A nice air
 conditioned harem with meals served five times a day by the slaves....
%%
I don't want no Commies in my car... no Christians either.
 -- REPO MAN
%%
I don't want no foo-foo haircut
Standing over my head!
 -- Mojo Nixon
%%
I don't want the world. I just want your half.
 -- They Might Be Giants
%%
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is
thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
broadcast signals to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake.
Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off
their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
 -- Dave Barry
 -- THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!
%%
I don't want to be a cynic, but it's hard...
%%
I don't want to be a millionaire - just to live like one.
%%
I don't want to be literate, I just want to program.
%%
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
%%
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
%%
 I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
 this is an answering machine?  Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's
 an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist.  One way to find
 out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you
 back.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
I don't want to catch anybody not drinking.
 -- Rule #4
%%
I don't want to die at 40.
 -- J. Lennon
%%
I don't want to die--existence is one of my strong points.
%%
I don't want to go into this in detail, but I would like to illustrate some
 of the tedium.
%%
I don't want to mention the restaurant in which this happened, but the
 other day I put in my order and the waitress disappeared, perhaps to have
 her hair done and get some incidental shopping out of the way, I don't
 know. I finally asked the manager if they were going to put the waitress's
 picture on the side of a milk carton.
%%
I don't want to panic, but my alphabet soup says, "Forget about me ... just
 try to save yourself."
 -- Tom Wilson ("Ziggy")
%%
I don't want to play coach - we're losing..
%%
I don't want to rule the Universe, I just want to see it.
%%
I don't want to say she was loose.  I believe the term we use today is
USER FRIENDLY.
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but it has come to my attention
 that if you call for a Pizza right after you called the police because your
 house was robbed, the Domino Truck will get there first!
%%
I don't want to think.  I just want to be...
%%
I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle defending his opinions about
                   the TV show "Murphy Brown" [Las Vegas RJ 21 May 92]
%%
I don't wish my enemies dead... I say make them suffer.
%%
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be
something to someone.
 -- Javan
%%
I don't work for no 'Toon!
%%
I do perceive here a divided duty.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
I do remember an apothecary,--
And hereabouts he dwells.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
I do so have a memory. It's in /usr.
%%
I dote on his very absence.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
I dote on his very absence.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
I do then with my friends as I do with my books.  I would have them where I can
find them, but I seldom use them.
 -- Emerson
%%
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
%%
I doubleclicked on "HELP", pointed at my wife, and the system crashed.
%%
I doubt, therefore I might be.
%%
I doubt the sincerety of Joycelyn Elder's Eric "Clapner" admiration.
%%
I doubt whether nurses are virgins.
%%
I do visit reality...  although it's on a tourist visa.
%%
I DO want your money, because god wants your money!
 -- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo Man_
%%
I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to
%%
I downloaded my brain.  Why are my blanks still disk?
%%
I'd prefer the non-smoking lifeboat, please.
%%
I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress
 -- Jane Siberry
%%
IDPS: Ignore Disk Protect Switch
%%
I'd put it on my to-do list, but I can't count that high.
%%
I'd quit the job of being me, but I have accumulated so much seniority.
 -- Tom Wilson ("Ziggy")
%%
I drank a beer once but I didn't swallow any of it.
%%
I drank SO much beer, when I ate a pretzel you could hear it splash.
%%
I drank WHAT???????
 -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.)
%%
I'd Rather Be Anatomically Correct Than Politically So.
%%
I'd rather be angry than bored.
 -- Elvis
%%
I'd rather be assimilating - Borg Bumper sticker
%%
I'd rather be a woman than a man.  Women can cry, they can wear cute
clothes, and they're first to be rescued off sinking ships.
 -- Gilda Radner
%%
I'd rather be breathing.
 -- Bumper sticker on a hearse
%%
I'd rather be climbing.
%%
I'd Rather Be Computing Than COMMUTING!
%%
I'd rather be diving.
%%
I'd rather be lucky than good anyday!...
%%
I'd rather be Morally Correct than Politically Correct.
%%
I'd rather be out of my body and into yours!
%%
I'd rather be picking more daisies...
%%
I'd rather be playing hockey.
%%
I'd rather be programming.
%%
I'd rather be rich!
%%
I'd rather be rich than good-looking!
%%
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I'd rather be riding a dragon.
%%
I'd rather be riding my BMW motorcycle.
%%
I'd rather be tried by twelve than carried by six.
%%
I'd rather be unconsciense than miserable.
 -- Elvis
%%
I'd rather be watching hockey.
%%
I'd rather be watching ST:TNG. [Star Trek: The Next Generation]
%%
I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
%%
I'd rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400
people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of
Harvard University.
 -- William F. Buckley, Jr.
%%
I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
%%
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
 -- Bill Gray
%%
I'd rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone - any day.
%%
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
 -- the future Mrs. Stilt Man
%%
I'd rather have him inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent
pissing in.
 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%%
I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in
 a plane built by the post office.
%%
I'd rather learn from somebody *else's* mistakes!
%%
I'd rather live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way.
%%
I'd rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy!
%%
I'd rather ride the Wave than wallow in QWKsand!
%%
I'd rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself
than to be crowded on a velvet cushion.
%%
I'd rather that a bigot mistake me for a lesbian than that a lesbian mistake
me for a bigot.
 -- Tovah Hollander
%%
I dread success.   To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
I'd really like to lay one across your teeth.
 -- Beverly
%%
I dreamed I met a Gallifreyan; a most amazing man...
%%
I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to him.
%%
I dreamed of a snail, sliding down the edge of a razor blade.
%%
I dream of the day that my tagline file is as big as yours.
%%
I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls,
With vassals and serfs at my side.
 -- Alfred Bunn (1790-1860)
 -- Song
%%
I'd resign from the human race, but I can't get my membership fee back.
%%
I'd resign from the human race, but where do I send my resignation?
%%
        I drink because she nags, he said
    I nag because he drinks.
      But if the truth be known to you,
     He's a lush and she's a shrew.
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
I drink every known alcoholic drink and enjoy 'em all. I learned early in
 life how to handle alcohol and never had any trouble with it. The rules are
 simple as mud: first, never drink if you've got any work to do. Never. If
 I've got a job of work to do at ten o'clock at night I won't take a drink
 until that time. Secondly, never drink alone. That's the way to become a
 drunkard. And thirdly, even if you haven't got any work to do, never drink
 while the sun is shining. Wait until it's dark. By that time you're near
 enough to bed to recover quickly.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
I drink from the vial marked `POISON' on the off chance that someone put
 a potion of extra healing in by accident.
%%
I drink no more than a sponge.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book i, Chap. v
%%
I drink, therefore I am.
%%
I drink to make other people interesting.
 -- George Jean Nathan
%%
I drink to the general joy o' the whole table.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
I drive a mussel car - with overhead clams.
%%
I drive fast. I drive safely. The two are *not* mutually exclusive, contrary
 to popular delusion.
 -- CCb
%%
I drive OS/2 now cause I'm sick of being a crash dummy for Windows.
%%
I drive way too fast to worry what foods will kill me!!
%%
I drop trou and expose myself to the arch-mage as a gesture of contempt.
%%
* I'd say it's an element of any post-allegorical discussive climax of
the positionist stance. Either that or a load of bollocks.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
I'd Say More But I've Run Out of Time & Space.
%%
I'd settle for lies...
%%
I'd started making up this revenge list, like people I'd like to get sooner
 or later. And the hang-up about doing this is that you're worried about
 them dying and you won't get the chance. So I started to get different ways
 to be offensive at the funerals:

 Shake the widow's hand with an electric buzzer. Stand around the cemetery
 saying, "At least he'll no longer be tormented over being impotent." Tell
 the clergyman that the deceased was a vampire and ask if you can drive a
 stake through his heart ... On the way home from the cemetery, tell the
 widow that you're not sure, but you think that you saw the body move.
 -- Ed Bluestone
%%
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
%%
I'd tell you more more, but you might blush.
%%
I'd trust Rush Limbaugh with my daughter, but not with my son.
%%
I dunno.
%%
I dunno...I'll have to think about it...I've thought about it. It's
  a brilliant plan.
 -- Edmund to Amy : Amy and Amiability
%%
I'd walk miles to see your smiles... uh... kilometres to see your thermometers!
%%
I earn what I eat, get what I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's
happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my harm.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
        I eat breakfast 300 yards from 2000 troops trained
        to kill me, so don't think for one second that you
        can come down here in your fagitty-ass whites, flash
        your badge, and make me nervous.
 -- From "A few good men"
%%
I eat junk food to get it out of the house.
%%
I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes bigger.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
IEEE -- what you say when you're taking a hot shower and
someone flushes the toilet.
%%
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
I em a wuunderfull spelur.  I tipe vari gud two.
%%
I embrace poverty! To annoy me, send money.
%%
I encourage all Americans to visit Iraq. Come for Thanksgiving, come for
    Christmas.  You will be welcomed with open arms.
 -- Mohammed Al-Mashad, Iraqi Ambassador to the U.S.
%%
I enjoy being a highly overpaid actor.
 -- Roger Moore
%%
I enjoyed, and <SWIPED< thos prisoner taglines.  Thanks!  I noticed that
%%
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
%%
I entered this message just to use this tagline.
%%
I entertain myself by trying to get my computer to work.
%%
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame
 everything on.
 -- Oscar Levant
%%
IEOF: Ignore End Of File
%%
I err, therefore I exist.
 -- St. Augustine
%%
I escaped from a political correction facility.
%%
I escaped from the Liberal Plantation.
%%
I even feel alone when you're near, 'cause you'll never understand.
%%
I even reformatted it, but I still can't read my file?!
%%
I exist as I am, that is enough.
 -- Walt Whitman
%%
I expect nothing.  I fear no one.  I am free.
 -- Nikos Kazantzakis
%%
I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
 -- George Meredith
%%
If 10% is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Uncle Sam.
 -- Ray Stevens
%%
If 4 bits = a nibble; 8 = a byte, doesn't 16 = a mouthful
%%
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
 doors?
%%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
 -- Roy Santoro
%%
If a = b and b = c, then we've got a messed up alphabet.
%%
If a binary digit is a bit, what is a trinary digit?
%%
If a block is moved, then it is no longer where it was, and it
is now where it is.
 -- Ben Aveling - Planning for conjunction goals - CS Hons 1992
%%
If a book and a head collide and a hollow sound is
heard, is it always the fault of the book?
%%
If a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, a hurricane floods Japan.  Help
save the world, rip the wings off a butterfly.
%%
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
 -- Paul White
%%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
forecast is a camel's behind.
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
If A. can prove, however conclusively, that he may, of right enslave B,
why may not B snatch the same argument, and prove equally, that he
may enslave A.  You say A is white and B is black.  It is color, then;
the lighter, having the right to enslave the darker?  Take care.  By
this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet with a fairer
skin than your own.
You do not mean color exactly?  You mean the whites are
intellectually the superiors of the blacks and therefore have the right
to enslave them?  Take care again.  By this rule, you are to be slave to
the first man you meet with an intellect superior to your own.
But, say you, it is a question of interest; and, if you can make it
your interest, you have the right to enslave another.  Very well.  And
if he can make it his interest, he has the right to enslave you.
 -- Abraham Lincoln, 1854.
%%
If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey, I don't see a problem here."
%%
If a chicken and a half can lay and egg and a half in a day and a half on a
 nest and half, how long will it take a little old red rooster sitting on a
 solid brass door knob to hatch a hardware store if the train is going East
 at forty miles an hour and the river is rising at six inches per hour in a
 strong cross wind? (If you do get the correct answer, please keep it to
 yourself!)
%%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't work,
use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%%
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
 -- Dorothy Law Nolte
%%
If a child shows himself incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly
 beheaded at the age of twelve.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind,
Of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
 -- Albert Einstein.
%%
 If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
 -- Lyall's Conjecture
%%
If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy.
 -- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitur
%%
If a course requires a prerequisite, a student will not have had it.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
%%
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a
lever to get a fix of something, to its own detriment, then I would
conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
 -- Rob Stampfli
%%
If a dependent clause precedes an independent
clause put a comma after the dependent clause.
%%
If a dog bites you 1,048,576 times, is that a megabite?
%%
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat
does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
 -- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
If a dragonrider had a pet wolf, it'd be a weyr-wolf!
%%
If a due participation of office is a matter of right, how are vacancies
to be obtained? Those by death are few; by resignation, none.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
 -- Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven, July 12, 1801
%%
If A equals B then you're probably fucked.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
If A equals success, then the formula is:
    A = X + Y + Z
 Where X is work, Y is play and Z is keep your mouth shut.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If a faith healer has to have false teeth, wear glasses and use a hearing
 aid, well, so much for Oral Roberts!
%%
If a farmer fills his barn with grain, he gets mice; if he leaves it empty,
 he gets actors.
 -- Bill Vaughan
%%
If a ferret bites you it is nearly always your own fault.
 -- Phil Drabble
%%
If a fish falls out of the sky, is it an act of cod?
%%
If a fish is the movement of water embodied, given shape,
then a cat is a diagram and pattern of subtle air
 -- Doris Lessing
%%
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
%%
If a fool would persist in his folly he would become wise.
 -- William Blake
%%
If after a considerable time and great discussion, you have finally come to
 the point where you can agree on a solution, the solution itself will bring
 about fifteen other problems far worse than the one for which the solution
 was found, which brought about the discussion in the first place.
%%
If after every tempest come such calms,
May the winds blow till they have waken'd death!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please
my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
if (age(dog) = old) then num_tricks := MAXTRICKS;
%%
If a generalist delights to find a law he is ecstatic when he finds a law about
laws. If laws in his eyes are good, laws about laws are delicious and are most
praiseworthy objects of search.
 -- Boulding
%%
If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a
problem, with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately
obvious to the first unqualified person who comes along.
%%
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes.
Someone in the group has to be the manager.
 -- T. Cheatham
%%
If a guy tells me the probability of failure is
 1 in 10E5, I know he's full of crap.
 -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988)
 -- "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
%%
If a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
 -- New Testament
 -- Mark iii, 25
%%
I failed my blood test! I didn't study.
%%
I fail to understand how a five-foot android with heuristic learning
  systems and the strength of ten men can be called a child.
You've never been a parent.
 -- Picard and Troi, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
If a job's worth doing, the Japanese have probably already done it.
%%
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
it votes guilty.
 -- Joseph C. Goulden
%%
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
 is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
 is "Probably because of something you did."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
%%
If Albert Einstein were alive today, he'd run Wildcat!
%%
If alcohol is bad, why are there more old drunks than old doctors?
%%
If a lie is repeated often enough all the dumb jackasses in
the world not only get to believe it, they even swear by it.
 -- B.B. Franklin
%%
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
 When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.
 That Alien!
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
%%
If a listing has a beginning it has an end.
 -- Brunk's Law of Programming
%%
If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream
less but to dream more, to dream all the time.
 -- Marcel Proust
%%
If all children had obeyed their parents,
 we would still live in the stoneage.
%%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
 error.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
If all I'm offered is a choice between monopolistic privilege with
regulation and monopolistic privilege without regulation, I'm afraid
I have to opt for the former.
 -- Nicholas Johnson
%%
If all is not lost, then where is it?
%%
If all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back
to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago.
If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos.
 -- Edward O. Wilson
%%
If all men are potential rapists, then all women are potential whores.
%%
If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four
friends in the world.
 -- Blaise Pascal
%%
If all men were brothers, would you want one to marry your sister?
 -- the title of a Theodore Sturgeon short story.
%%
If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence everyone
must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take
their own and depart.
 -- Socrates
%%
If all philosophers were required to present their ideas in novels,
 to dramatize the exact meaning and consequences of their philosophies
 in human life, there would be far fewer philosophers -- and far better
 ones.
 -- Ayn Rand

...and a lot more really bad novels!
 -- Jeremy York, [e-mail]
%%
If all sex is rape, then are lovers acquaintance rape survivors?
%%
If all sex is rape, then marriage is legalized prostitution.
%%
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end,
 it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
 -- Doug Larson
%%
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
%%
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, it
would probably be a good thing.
%%
If all the girls attending it [the Yale Prom] were laid end to end,
I wouldn't be at all surprised.
 -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)
%%
If all the good people were clever;
And all clever people were good,
The world would be nicer than ever
We thought that it possibly could.
 -- Elizabeth Wordsworth
 -- Good and Clever
%%
If all the ladies bend over, I would be very happy.
%%
If all the people in China stood up on chairs, and, at the same moment,
 jumped down on the ground, we would be in deep, deep trouble.
%%
If all the people in this world in which we live were as selfish
as a few of the people in this world in which we live, there would
be no world in which to live.
 -- W. L. Orme
%%
If all the rich people in the world divided up their money amongst
 themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around.
 -- Christina Stead
%%
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
 across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
 -- AMAZING BUT TRUE...
%%
"If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and
expain that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone
bill arrives." - Douglas Adams.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee, and be thy love.
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- The Nymph's Reply to the Passionate Shepherd
%%
If all the world's a stage, I sure got lousy seats.
%%
If all the world's a stage, I want better lighting.
%%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
 -- Paul Beatty
%%
If all the world's a stage, who's doing the sound???
%%
If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
%%
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
conclusion.
 -- William Baumol
%%
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
%%
If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
If all things turned to smoke, the nose would be the discriminating organ.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
 -- Baruch's Observation
%%
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
 somewhat of a loafer yourself.
%%
If a machine can be made so that an idiot can use it,
then only an idiot will use it.
 -- Tadao Ichikawa
%%
If a man boasts a great deal about what he is going to do tomorrow, it is
 timely to check into what he did yesterday!
%%
If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my
 sacred duty to bash him to a pulp.
 -- Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero
%%
If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.
%%
If a man dies and leaves his estate in an uncertain condition, the lawyers
 become his heirs.
 -- Ed Howe
%%
If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he soon
will find himself alone. A man should keep his friendship in constant repair.
 -- Johnson
%%
If a man do not erect in this age his own tomb ere he dies, he shall
live no longer in monument than the bell rings, and the widow weeps.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd
  still tend to protect that child.
 -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
%%
If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for,
he isn't fit to live.
 -- Martin Luther King
%%
If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful.
 -- Haskins
%%
If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of
fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
 -- Herodotus
%%
If a man is happy in his work, exerting himself to the full extent
of his capabilities, and enjoying it, I'd say he's a success.
 -- William Romain
%%
If a man is notified he has been appointed to serve on the rules committee
 for a certain tournament he should instantly remember that he must attend
 an important business meeting in Khartoum.
 -- Herbert Warren Wind
%%
If a man keeps his trap shut, the world will beat a path to his door.
 -- Franklin P. Adams
%%
If a man knows where to get good advice, it is as though he could supply it
 himself.
 -- Goethe
%%
If a man look sharply and attentively, he shall see Fortune; for though
she is blind, she is not invisible.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Fortune
%%
If a man remembers what is right at the sign of profit, is ready to lay
 down his life in the face of danger, and does not forget sentiments he
 has repeated all his life when he has been in straitened circumstances
 for a long time, he may be said to be a complete man.
 -- Confucius
 -- Analects, XIV.12
%%
If a man runs after money - that man is money-crazy. If a man keeps the
 money he earns - he is a capitalist. If a man spends the money he earns -
 he is a playboy. If a man doesn't get any money for what he does - he is
 stupid. If a man doesn't try to get some money - he lacks ambition. If a
 man gets money without working for it - he is a parasite. If a man saves
 money from a life of hard work - he is a fool who never enjoyed life. If a
 man gives his money to the poor - he is just showing off. If a man doesn't
 give his money to the poor - he is a tight-wad. If a man leaves his money
 to his wife - he is making up for his vileness on this earth. If a man
 doesn't leave his money to his wife - the marriage was just a sham anyway.
 This is why they call money the root of all evil - no matter what you do
 with it, someone is unhappy.
%%
If a man's down, kick him! If he survives it, he has an opportunity to rise
 above it. I've always said it's more blessed to give than to receive.
 -- Brother Dave Gardner
%%
If a man wants to borrow trouble, he never needs collateral.
%%
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he entitled
to happiness?
 -- Stanislaw Lec
 -- Unkempt Thoughts
%%
If a man will go as far as he can see, he will be able to see farther
when he gets there.
%%
If a man would register all his opinions upon love, politics, religion,
and learning, what a bundle of inconsistencies and contradictions
would appear at last!
 -- Jonathan Swift
%%
If a man write a better book, preach a better sermon, or make a better
mouse-trap than his neighbour, tho' he build his house in the woods, the
world will make a beaten path to his door.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or beds a
 better whore than his neighbor, though he builds his domicile deep in
 the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find out who the
 better whore was.
%%
If Americans have TagLines, do the English have TagQueues?
%%
If Amiga is so good, why isn't there any software for it?
%%
If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
 -- Anatole France
%%
If an animal does something, they call it instinct. If we do exactly the
 same thing for the same reason, they call it intelligence. Entomologists
 say that ants, for example, are guided entirely by instinct and not by
 intelligence. They say the ants do not know what they are doing. And do the
 entomologists know what they are doing? Besides watching ants, I mean. I'm
 only asking. I guess what they mean is that we all make mistakes, but
 intelligence enables us to do it on purpose.
 -- Will Cuppy
%%
If an apparently severe problem manifests itself, no solution is
acceptable unless it is involved, expensive, and time-consuming.
%%
If an army of monkeys were strumming on typewriters,
they MIGHT write all the books in the British museum.
 -- Sir Arthur Eddington
%%
If a Nation expects to be ignorant and free in a state of civilization, it
expects what never was and never will be ... If we are to gaurd against
ignorance and remain free, it is the responsibility of every American to
be informed.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and
the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will
lose that, too.
 -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)
%%
If an author write better than his contemporariee healing dew?
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
If ancient tales say true, nor wrong these holy men.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto i, Stanza 7
%%
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
 -- Finagle's First Law
%%
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
 -- Bowie's Theorem
%%
If an hour has been spent amending a sentence, someone will
move to delete the paragraph.
 -- Kim's Rule of Committees
%%
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and
be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
 -- Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis
%%
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup
trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great
literary works, in Braille.
 -- Omni Magazine
%%
If an item is advertised as under $50, you can bet it's not $19.95.
 -- McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom
%%
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
 -- Charles Follen Adams, An Orthographic Lament
%%
If Anthony Hopkins starred in DS9's "Duet": "_Thank_ you, Neryssss."
%%
If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative--why is
 that?" You say, "Remember in the '60s when we told you if you kept using
 drugs your kids would be mutants?"
 -- Mort Sahl
%%
If any invention marks the decline of human civilization, I think
it would have to be the snooze alarm.  The snooze alarm is based on
the idea that when the alarm goes off, you are not getting up... They
should sell the snooze alarm with an unemployment application and
a bottle of tequila.  Just make it a complete pathetic-loser kit.
 -- Jerry Seinfeld, comedian and actor.
%%
If any man can convince me and bring home to me that I do not think
or act aright, gladly will I change; for I search after truth, by
which man never yet was harmed. But he is harmed who abideth on still
in his deception and ignorance.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, vi, 21
%%
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all
 I have to say.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all
men liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But
let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.
 -- James 1:5,6
%%
If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to
not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.
     T. Lehrer
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
If anyone else has any workable code, PLEASE POST IT!!!
%%
If anyone has an idea why do I this, keep it to yourself.
%%
If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
 -- S. J. Perelman
%%
If any program is useful, it will be changed until it is completely useless.
%%
If any, speak; for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.
 -- Murphy's Law of Government
%%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
 -- Murphy's Law
%%
If anything can go wrong with Monty Python, it will.
%%
If anything can't go wrong, it will.
 -- Scnatterly's Summing Up Of The Corollaries (of Murphy's Law)
%%
If anything I have said offends you, well that's just too bad.   :)
%%
If anything is sacred the human body is sacred.
Walt Whitman, "I Sing The Body Electric"
%%
If anything is used to it's full potential, it will break.
 -- Poulson's Prophecy
%%
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will
 anyway.
 -- Murphy's Fifth Law
%%
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
%%
If apathy doesn't bother me, I won't bother it.
%%
If a person (a) is sick, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
 -- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble
%%
If a person deceives you once, shame on that person. If a person deceives
 you twice, shame on you! For of all hard things to bear and grin, the
 hardest is being taken in.
%%
If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut
up about it.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
 for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
 of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If a person never succeeds, how do you know they're trying?
%%
If a person offend you and you are in doubt as to whether it was
intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures.   Simply watch
your chance and hit him with a brick.
 -- Mark Twain, Advice to Youth Speech, 1882
%%
If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist
 -- Michael Patton
%%
If a pessimist is always right, is he a realist?
%%
If a picture is worth a thousand words, get SVGA.
%%
If a pitbull humps your leg, fake an orgasm!
%%
If a political candidate chooses to go into specifics on a program
that affects a voter's self-interest, the voter get interested. If
the proposal involves money, he gets very interested.
 -- Stuart Spencer
%%
If appearances are deceitful, then they do not deserve any confidence
when they assert what appears to them to be true.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pyrrho, xi
%%
If a President died in office, then it's a certainty that he was elected
in a year ending in zero.
%%
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
%%
If a problem causes too many meetings, the meetings eventually
become more important than the problem.
 -- Hendrickson's Law
%%
If a program crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
%%
If a program isn't working, expand it.
 -- Taylor's 2nd Law of Administration
%%
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
 -- The Third Law of Computer Programming
%%
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
 -- The Fourth Law of Computer Programming
%%
If a project requires 'n' components, there will be 'n-1' units in stock.
%%
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop.  The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
 -- Donald A. Metz
%%
If a Real Man doesn't eat quiche, just what does his diet consist of?
 Essentially, Real Men are meat and potatoes eaters. Real Men eat beef. They
 eat frozen peas. And watermelon. Plus French fries and apple pie (two
 important diet staples). As a general rule, Real Men won't eat anything
 that is poached, sauteed, minced, blended, glazed, curried, flambeed,
 stir-fried, or en brochette ... and above everything else--all trends
 aside--Real Men refuse to refer to spaghetti as pasta.
 -- Bruce Feirstein
%%
I fart in your general direction.
%%
If a schlemazl sold umbrellas, it would stop raining; if he sold
candles, the sun would never set; and if he made coffins, people
would stop dying.
%%
If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will become
central to his or her theory.
 -- Mann's Law
His or her theory, in turn, will become central to all
scientific thought.
 -- Corollary
%%
If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible
sequence.
 -- The Extended Murphy's Law
%%
If a shopkeeper kicks you out of his shop, he'll kick you out of the dungeon.
%%
If a single fly can have 1,000 kids, think what a married fly could do.
%%
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur
simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
 -- Hutchinson's Law
%%
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper,
such as a sheet of stamps or a check,
that line becomes the strongest part of the paper.
 -- Kington's Law of Perforation
%%
If a string has one end, it has another.
 -- Miksch's Law
%%
If astrology is superstitious,than how come weather forecasting is a science?
%%
If a stud cat gets fixed, it's broken.
%%
If a student has to study, he will claim that the course is unfair.
 -- M. M. Johnston
%%
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
look at him as if he had lost his senses.
When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
 -- Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers
%%
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other,
it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXVI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
If a sufficient number of people who wanted to stop war really did
gather together, they would first of all begin by making war upon
those who disagreed with them.  And it is still more certain that
they would make war on people who also want to stop wars but in another way.
 -- Gurdjieff (1873-1949)
%%
If a system does not have a payback for a given individual in the information
chain,cthe information will get corrupted at the level of that individual,
and become worse as it travels up the chain.
 -- Taber's First Law of Manufacturing Information Systems
 -- Pat Taber
%%
If a system is of sufficient complexity, it will be
written before it's designed, implemented before it's
tested, and obsolete before it's debugged.
%%
If a talk show lasts a couple of months today, it is forced to recycle
 sexual aberrations and shuffle the guests around a bit more.
%%
If at all possible, you should avoid being a young person or a wheat
 farmer when the president starts feeling international tension.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.
 -- Diogenes
%%
If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
attitude.   If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
playing the game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win --
unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
 -- Sparky Anderson
%%
If a test system function perfectly, all production units will fail.
 -- The RPCISPE's Seventh Universal Law
%%
If at first you don't exceed, try, try again.
%%
If at first you don't find a way to do what no one else has done, then
 invite your friend to try it.
%%
If at first you don't find success, there
 is no use being obstinate about it.
%%
If at first you don't menage, trois, trois again.
%%
If at first you don't recede, DIET, DIET, again!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, add NT and try again.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, blame everyone else.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the teacher.
 -- Stacey Bass
%%
If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air-strike.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air-strike.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #28
%%
If at first you don't succeed, call it NT.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, call the author.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, cry a lot.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, del *.* and forget it.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were trying.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you've tried.
 -- Fahnestock's Rule for Failure
%%
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
 -- Quentin Crisp
%%
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing.
 -- Warren Miller
%%
If at first you don't succeed, fake it!!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, fall back and punt.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, find someone to blame it on.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, fix bayonets.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, forget it.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, format C:
%%
If at first you don't succeed, give up.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, give up? -- Not this kid!!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, go back and study something else.
%%
If at first you don't succeed,
have you considered becoming a personnel officer?
%%
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, hit the reset button.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, ignore the docs...
%%
If at first you don't succeed, join the club.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, kill all the witnesses.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, lie, lie again.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, pull the plug. 8-)
%%
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, put out a bug fix.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, put out another version (KWQ).
%%
If at first you don't succeed, quit. Don't be a nut about success.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, quit, quit at once.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, read the book!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, read the documentation.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, reload.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, rewrite it from scratch.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, screw it and try something else.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, sleep on it.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.
 -- David Zimmerman
%%
If at first you don't succeed, stand back, give way, and let others make
 fools of themselves, so you'll have company.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, stand on your head and eat an alligator liver.
Alligator liver has the strange effect of making it all seem so profoundly
hopeless that you just don't care anymore.
 -- Ambidextrous Rex
%%
If at first you don't succeed, sue for 5 million dollars.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, that is only to be expected- there is a little
bit of good even in the best of us. (No one is as good as he thinks he is.)
%%
If at first you don't succeed, the hell with it.
%%
 If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
 -- Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try again at second base.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try again -
if you still fail, give up - no sense being
a damn fool about it.
 -- W.C. Fields
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try a Redhead.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try cash !
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try following the instructions.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try second, third or shortstop.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try skydiving ...
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try someone else.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
 -- Laurance J. Peter
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, then quit and get tanked.
 -- Steve Dallas
%%
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for jevelin catching!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for mountain climbing.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for Russian Roulette.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, work for MicroSoft!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
 -- M.H. Alderson
%%
If at first you don't succeed,
you have the potential of being a NASA engineer!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you may be at your level of incompetence
 already.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be doing something wrong.
 -- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows...
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
 -- Leonard Levinson
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you're fired.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again.
%%
If at first you don't Suckseed, Keep Suckin till you do Sukseed.
%%
If at first you DO succeed, pretend you know what you're doing.
%%
If at first you do succeed--try to hide your astonishment.
 -- Harry F. Banks
%%
If at first you doubt, doubt again, and again ...
%%
If at first you fail, try to shift the blame!
%%
If at first you never succeed, never try Russian roulette..
%%
If at first you succeed, don't let your boss know or he
 will expect it all the time.
%%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries...
 -- Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author
%%
If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself some
dope will do it.
 -- Eric Frank Russell
%%
If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
 -- Richard A. Leahy
%%
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936), "Folly and Female Education"
%%
If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it
will...soon.
 -- Law of Annoyance
%%
If a town has one lawyer, he starves; if it has two lawyers, they
both get rich.
%%
If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
 -- ...understanding The Work Environment...
%%
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to demo it,
does it make a sound?
%%
If a wife does not cause all your troubles, she at least conveniently
 symbolizes them at times.
 -- Don Herold
%%
If a woman attended an American high school between 1930 and 1965,
chances are that no one paid attention to anything but her brains
unless she took the utmost care to conceal them.
 -- Susan Jacoby
%%
If a woman seeks education it is probably because her sexaul apparatus is
malfunctioning.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.
%%
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
if (ax^2 + bx + c) equals zero, who cares about x?
%%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only
 four tellers?
%%
If beauty is only skin deep, you must have been born inside out.
%%
if ( beebop = TRUE ) then dowop else dowaditty
%%
If beer finishes before you, you can have another.
 -- Men vs. Beer
%%
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would
 have changed the history of music...and of aviation.
 -- Tom Stoppard
%%
If being quoted makes you feel important, it is about time that you go out
 and purchase a parrot.
%%
If better is possible, good is not enough.
%%
If Bill and Hillary divorce...who gets the house?
%%
If Bill didn't inhale, Hillary didn't swallow.
%%
If birth is a miracle, is not death also a miracle?
%%
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
 -- Spanky (Steve McFarlin)
%%
If both Alsops say it's true, it can't be so.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
%%
If brains were C-4, Bill Clinton couldn't blow his nose!
%%
If brains were C-4, Saddam Hussein couldn't blow his nose.
%%
If brains were C-4, you couldn't blow your nose!
%%
If brains were cotton, he wouldn't have enough to Kotex a flea.
%%
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.
%%
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky.
%%
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
%%
If brains were outlawed, nothing would change.
%%
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
%%
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
%%
IF (!Brain) THEN Close(Output);
%%
if ( !broke ) don't_fix();
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola
would be a Fortune-500 company.
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be
able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95.
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
 -- Weinberg's Second Law
%%
If bulls have horns, why do they MOO instead of honk?
%%
If bulls**t could fly, Rush Limbaugh would be a space shuttle.
%%
If buttered toast always lands butter-side up, and a cat always lands on its
 feet. What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of
 a cat?

 The whole assemblage will rotate slowly about a foot off the floor.
%%
If called by a panther...don't anther.
 -- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), "Parents Keep Out!"
%%
If cars = horsepower, why not boats = fishpower?
%%
If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
If change is -- inevitable -- predictable -- beneficial -- doesn't
logic demand that you be a part of it?
One man cannot summon the future.
But one man can change the present!
 -- Kirk and the Alternate Spock, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown
%%
If Chekov owned a computer, would it be a Wax?
%%
If children knew what their parents were really like, they'd kill them
 in their sleep.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
If chocolate is the answer, the question is irrelevant.
%%
If Christine and Mandy were convicted of anything, it was probably
perjury or some such. I don't remember the legal details; I was only
interested in the smut at the time.
 -- anonymous usenetter on the details of the Profumo affair
%%
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be:
a Christian.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
If cigarettes are the leading cause of most household
 fires in America, why do so many firemen smoke?
 -- chevyn
%%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%%
If Clinton can do it, Americans should make their votes retroactive.
%%
If Clinton didn't inhale, how come his brain is fried?
%%
If Clinton didn't inhale, then Dan Quayle is a world class speller.
%%
If Clinton's lips are moving, he's lying.
%%
If Clinton's so good, why does Arkansas have problems?
%%
If Clinton was only going to tax the rich, how'd I get rich so fast?
%%
If code was meant to be portable, it'd have wheels
%%
If Columbus had an advisory committee he
would probably still be at the dock.
 -- Justice Arthur Goldberg
%%
If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems
staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they
don't have upper body strength.  I mean, some do, but they're
relatively rare.  On the other hand, men are basically little piglets,
you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you
know.  These things are very real.  On the other hand, if combat
means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls
for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically
better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all
the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt
giraffes.
 -- Newt Gingrich, Adjunct Professor, Reinhardt College,
 -- January 7, 1995, 'Renewing American Civilization'
%%
If Communism goes, I've still got the U.S. House of Representatives.
 -- Robert Novak
%%
If computers are so smart, why aren't they rich?
%%
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee
 -- that will do them in.
 -- Bradley's Bromide
%%
If computers save time, when do we get it back?
%%
If (computer_store_ahead=TRUE) hide_wallet();
%%
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
%%
If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
 -- Larry Leissner
%%
If Congress must do a painful thing,
the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
 -- Pickle's Law
%%
If Corn Oil Is Made From Corn, What's Baby Oil Made From?
%%
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
%%
if (crash) grab_ankles(); kiss_xxx_goodbye()
%%
If crash occurs when using this program, discontinue use.
%%
IF(!CRASH()) _THANK_GOD();
%%
If criticism had any real power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
If Cthulhu calls... let the machine pick it up.
%%
If Death calls, take a message. I'll get back to her.
%%
If death occurs, please return product for full refund.
%%
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
be the process of putting them in.
 -- Dykstra's Observation
%%
:ifdef out: /if'def owt/ v. Syn. for {condition out}, specific
   to {C}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been necessary to invent it.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe
them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something
tells me "the Man" is behind this.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If $$$ doesn't grow on trees, why are they green?
%%
If (dog_age="old") then (num_tricks=max_tricks)
%%
If "dog" backwards is "god", what does "tac" mean?
%%
if (dog_bark == TRUE) mailman == present;
%%
If (Dog_bark = true) then letter:=arrived;
%%
If dogs had catapults, would cats be safe in trees?
%%
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
%%
If DOS was an airline, would you purchase a ticket?
%%
I Fear A State That Kills Far More That I Fear A Man Who Has Killed.
%%
I feared that the committee would decide to go with their previous decision
 unless I credibly pulled a full tantrum.
 -- [e-mail]
%%
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
%%
I fear that one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze, and I won't know what to
 say.
 -- Ronnie Shakes
%%
I fear to love you, Sweet, because Love's the ambassador of loss.
 -- Francis Thompson, To Olivia
%%
I fear you must blame your own perverse urges.
 -- Picard
%%
I feel almost happy.
%%
I feel a random Act of Violence coming on.
%%
I feel better about world problems now!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel fine.....Everything seems a little smaller.
 -- Picard
%%
I feel fuzzier than a basket of kittens!
%%
I feel happy!  I feel happy! [THUD]
%%
..  I feel..  JUGULAR..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel lightheaded, Sam.  I think my brain
is out of air.     But it's kind of a neat feeling.
 -- Sam and Max, Freelance Police
%%
I feel like a 20-year old!  Unfortunately, there aren't any here.
 -- Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party
%%
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
 -- William H. Mauldin, "Up Front" 1944
%%
I feel like alien cells are replicating and superseding my internal organs.
 -- Howard The Duck
%%
I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.
%%
I feel like a million...but one at a time,  please.
 -- Mae West
%%
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel like a wimp going into a restaurant.
'What do you want to eat, sir? Broccoli?'
Broccoli's a side dish! Always has been,
always will be!
 -- Denis Leary
%%
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel like I'm trapped in a Hemingway story. If I get
any more cryptic, I won't be able to talk at all.
%%
    I feel like one
    Who treads alone
Some banquet-hall deserted,
    Whose lights are fled,
    Whose garlands dead,
And all but he departed.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Oft in the Stilly Night
%%
I feel more like I do now than I did before I started
%%
I feel partially hydrogenated!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel so good I could do a week's work this afternoon.
%%
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
%%
I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more.
 -- Jonas Salk
%%
I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an
election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the
fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the
last two years, I'll be a candidate again.  Everything I do in those
last two years will be posturing for the election.  But right now I
don't have to do that.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle
%%
   "I feel the Need..."
     "The Need..."
"FOR SPEED!"
 -- Maverick and Goose in "TOP GUN"
%%
If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.
%%
If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
%%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
 a 55-year-old houseboy...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
%%
I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if 500 billion dollars cried out
 in terror, and suddenly vanished.
 -- Obi Ben Bosky, 10/19/87 Harold Feld, the BEM from Alderann
%%
I felt like I was in charge.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, after working the
     Panama Canal's locks
%%
I felt like poisoning a monk.
 -- Umberto Eco on why he wrote the novel The Name of the Rose.
%%
If Elvis ain't dead, let's kill him!
%%
If Elvis was so great how come he's buried in the yard like a hamster?
%%
If E=MC2, how many watts do my speakers take?
%%
If English does become the Official Language of the United States, will the
 mispronunciation of "Missouri" be a misdemeanor or a felony?
%%
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #63
%%
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
 -- Williams and Holland's Law
%%
If enough reports are prepared and technical reviews are held, negative
information will always filter its way to senior management.
 -- Richard F. Moore
%%
If Ensign Ro Were Assimilated, She'd Be A Bajoran Borg
%%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%%
If ET married Peter Cetera, would he then be  ET Cetera ?
%%
If Europe should ever be ruined, it will be by its warriors.
 -- Montesquieu
%%
If ever I utter an oath again may my soul be blasted to eternal damnation!
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), St. Joan
%%
If ever out-argued, distract them with a hissy fit.
 -- Liberal Rule #35
%%
If Everton were playing down at the bottom of my garden,
 I'd draw the curtains.
%%
If every beer is made from the finest barley, selected grains, and choicest
hops, who makes beer with the inferior stuff?
%%
If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
 -- Price's Law
%%
If everybody is looking for it, then nobody is finding it. If we were
cultured, we would not be conscious of lacking culture. We would regard
it as something natural and would not make so much fuss about it.
And if we knew the real value of this word we would be cultured enough
not to give it so much importance.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Quoted in: Jaime Sabartes, Picasso: portraits et souvenirs, ch. 9 (1946).
%%
If "everybody knows" such and such, then it ain't so, by at least
ten thousand to one.
%%
"'If everybody minded their own business,' the Duchess said, in a hoarse growl,
'the world would go round a deal faster than it does.'"
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
If every copy is an original and every original is a
 copy then what is real?
%%
If everyone believed in peace they
would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
 -- Goebel's Observation on Utopia
%%
If everyone is on the bandwagon, who's gonna pull?
%%
If everyone is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking.
 -- General George S. Patton
%%
If everyone lived forever, where would we all park!?
%%
If ever you had to kill someone, could you do it?
 -- Turlough, TERMINUS
%%
If everything had gone as planned, everything would have been perfect.
 -- BATF spokesperson on CNN 3/2/93, regarding failed raid attempt in TX.
%%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
 -- Law of Life's Highway
%%
If everything must go wrong, don't bet on it.
 -- Murphy's Little Known Second Law
%%
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
 -- Murphy's Eighth Law
%%
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
%%
If evolution were a fact then cats would use can openers.
%%
If exercise is all that good for you, how come the doctor with the greatest
 seniority has the parking place closest to the hospital door?
%%
"... if exercising their judgment with discretion and honesty
they have a clear conviction that the charge of the court is wrong."
 -- Alexander Hamilton, advice to jurors to acquit
 -- against the judge's instructions
%%
If feminizm is the solution, then maybe the problem didn't exist.
%%
If fifty million people say a foolish thing,
it is still a foolish thing.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
"If fingerprints showed up on skin, I wonder who's I'd find on you"
 -- Stupid country song titles #5
%%
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
%%
If flies couldn't fly, would they be called walks?
%%
If folks don't want to do it, it's hard to keep them from it.
%%
If foolishness were a disease,
 no one could come within sight of a hospital.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
 -- Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
%%
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is
an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an exception"
as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all,
since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if
we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to
the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
 -- Bill Boquist
%%
If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you
 haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little
 while.
 -- Joseph Schenck
%%
If Gamera were really The Friend Of All Children... he'd toast Barney.
%%
If Genghis Khan was alive today, he'd be a SYS
%%
If Glass=Empty .AND. Thirsty Then OpenTuborg
%%
if ((glass == EMPTY)&&(thirsty == YES)) open("Beer");
%%
If God be for us, who can be against us.
 -- New Testament
 -- Hebrews viii, 31
%%
If God can't help you, how about Mr Coffee?
%%
If god considered woman a helpmeet for men. He must have had a poor opinion
 of men.
%%
If God didn't have a sense of humor, we wouln't be here.
%%
If God didn't love procrastinators, why did He invent tomorrow?
%%
If God didn't make homosexuals, there wouldn't be any.
%%
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
%%
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
 He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
%%
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas,
 because that's what He's getting!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
"If God exists, why did he allow Nazis?"
"How should I know?  I don't even know how the can opener works."
 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and her Sisters"
%%
If God goes to sleep will the universe dream?
%%
If God had intended for Texans to ski, he would have made
bullshit white.
%%
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
%%
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
%%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%%
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
%%
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in
 their Heads.
%%
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
 -- George Carlin
%%
If God had intended women to rule he would've given them penises
%%
If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.
%%
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born
with green, baggy skin.
%%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%%
If God had meant us to eat fish fingers,
 he would have given fish fingers.
%%
If God had meant us to eat meringue, he would have made chickens fart more.
%%
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
%%
If God had not created beer, man would have had to invent it.
%%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
 invent it.
%%
If God had not invented computer games, man would have to do so.
%%
If God had not meant us to write on walls, he would never have
 given us an example.
%%
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't
have given me such a vivid imagination
%%
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to
  the airport.
 -- George Winters
%%
If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him bigger hands.
%%
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given
 them teeth.
%%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system,
 Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
%%
If God hath made this world so fair,
  Where sin and death abound,
How beautiful beyond compare
  Will paradise be found!
 -- James Montgomery (1771-1854)
 -- The Earth full of God's Goodness
%%
If God intended that the genitals were more important than the brain, he
 would've put a skull over the genitals. What the hell do you care if
 someone comes over and fools around with you and your genitals? What is it,
 it's a momentary thing. But you don't want anybody coming over and stroking
 your brains. They'll scramble your brains, you'll write the wrong check
 out, you'll lose money.
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
If God is all-knowing, does he know how it feels to be ignorant?
%%
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
%%
If God is in charge, then I'm angry.  If He's not, then I'm scared.
%%
If God is love, and love is blind, then Ray Charles must be God. (uh-huh!)
%%
If God is omnipotent, why does he need my money?
%%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%%
If God is your co-pilot, SWITCH SEATS!
%%
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
 -- Yiddish saying
%%
If God made us in His image we have certainly returned the compliment.
 -- Voltaire
%%
If God shuts one door, he opens another.
%%
If God told me to quit smoking,   I'd say 'Mind your own business.'
 -- Mike Vera
%%
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
 -- Marvin Kitman
%%
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us airline tickets.
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
candidate.
 -- Jerry Dreshfield
%%
If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us REAL candidates.
%%
If God were a woman, men would have vibrating dicks,
and three more tongues (strategically located).
 -- Daniel Mocsny
%%
If God were judge and jury, would there be ANY innocents in congress?
%%
If God were not a necessary Being of himself, he might almost seem
to be made for the use and benefit of men.
%%
if (!good_day) { sleep(until_next_day) };
%%
If good intentions are combined with stupidity, it is impossible
to outthink them.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
If goodness lead him not, yet weariness
May toss him to my breast.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- The Pulley
%%
IF gray_matter IS NULL THEN; GOTO dBASE; ENDIF
%%
If growing up were fun, I'd have done it already.
%%
If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
%%
If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?
%%
If guns are outlawed, how will statists collect taxes?
%%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%%
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
%%
If hard work is so good for you, how come the rich don't keep it all for
themselves?
 -- Jamaican saying
%%
If having children keeps you young, perhaps growing older has many more
 advantages than at first thought. For those who think that we still enjoy
 free speech in this country - just wait till you get your next telephone
 bill!
%%
If Heaven had looked upon riches to be a valuable thing, it would
not have given them to such a scoundrel.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Letter to Miss Vanbromrigh, Aug, 12, 1720
%%
If he be not fellow with the best king, thou shalt find the best king
of good fellows.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
If he had been born God, it was the clowns who would occupy the lowest
rungs of hell.
%%
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
%%
If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
%%
If he had two ideas in his head, they would fall out with each other.
 -- Johnson
%%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%%
If he lived his life over again, he'd still fall in love with himself.
%%
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
%%
If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She's
 got malaria.
 -- Jackie Kannon
%%
If HE'S a DUCK, then I'm a dirty skunk! <BLAM!>
 -- Daffy Duck
%%
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
%%
If his brain were a TV, the slogan would be "All static, all the time!"
%%
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
%%
If his mind was a book the pages would be stapled shut.
%%
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable
must Man be of learning from experience.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce.
 -- Anita Bryant
%%
"If Horatio Nelson was in charge of this, he would not have waited for official
 authorization."
"Yes, a pretty impulsive fellow, if we are to believe the history books."
"History books ? Captain Hart, Horation Nelson was a personal friend !"
 -- Doctor Who - The Sea Devils, 1972
%%
if (horny(you_are)==YES) honk();
%%
If horses had wishes we'd all make,..Combustibles
%%
If hot air rises, why isn't D.C. in orbit around Venus?
%%
if (hours <= 8.0) {fclose(desk); goto home};
%%
If humanity profits from its mistakes,
we have a glorious future coming up.
 -- Sidney Hook
%%
If humans have orgasms, do the Borg have Borgasms?
%%
If hyperspace did not already exist, science
fiction writers would have had to invent it.
 -- Peter Oakley
%%
If I am correct, the rest of you are wrong!
%%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
 will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I am ever stuck on a respirator or a life-support system, I definitely
 want to be unplugged--but not till I get down to a size 8.
 -- Henriette Mantel
%%
If I am I because you are you, and if you are you because I am I, then I
 am not I, and you are not you: Hassidic rabbi
%%
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?
 -- Rabbi Hillel, 12th Century
%%
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?
 -- Rabbi Hillel
%%
If I am Sophocles, I am not mad; and if I am mad, I am not Sophocles.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Vit, Anon, p. 64 (Plumptre's Trans.)
%%
If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my
teacher.  I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and
the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.
 -- Confucius (B.C. 551-479)
%%
If I *argue* with you,I must take up a contrary position!
%%
If I buy the steel wool, can you knit me a BMW?
%%
If I buy the steel wool, can you knit me a Porsche?
%%
"If *I* can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought."
"Somebody has to save our skins." - Leia Organa
 -- ...understanding Product Support...
%%
If I can, can you?
%%
If I can catch him once upon the hip
I will feed fat the ancient grudge I bear him.
He hates our sacred nation, and he rails,
Even there where merchants most do congregate.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
 -- Kirk, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
%%
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
%%
If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the
 smallest pity for the shedding of precious German blood, then surely I have
 the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin.
 -- Adolf Hitler
%%
If I can't be a star, I won't get out of bed.
 -- Elastica
%%
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
%%
If I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what
  _can_ I give them?
Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably
  think they were unhygienic.
 -- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
If I can't have it all, I think I'll just cry a lot.
%%
If I can't play poker, what is the point?
%%
If I can't win, I don't want to play.
%%
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on
 someone's lip.  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of
 parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I could believe that this was said sincerely, I could put up with anything.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act i, Sc. 2, 96, (176.)
%%
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
If I could find a way to get [Saddam Hussein] out of there, even putting a
contract out on him, if the CIA still did that sort of a thing, assuming it
ever did, I would be for it.
 -- Richard M. Nixon
%%
If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective.
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
If I could kick my own butt, I would amaze myself!
%%
If I could live my life again
That'll be the thing to be
A man who put stumbling blocks
In the lives of the likes of me
 -- Momus "I was a Maoist intellectual in the music industry".
%%
If I could predict fortunes, do you think I'd still be here?
%%
If I could put time in a bottle....
%%
If I could type, I'd be a great groprammer !
%%
If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave.
 -- Monty Python
%%
If I CROSSed your PATH, I'd end up HAPPY HUNTing you by DRIV(E)ing
%%
If I didn't have a Unix machine, I'd feel naked.
 -- Guess Who
%%
If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the street hurling
grenades in people's faces.
 -- Paul Fussell
%%
If I didn't know any better, I'd be happy right now.
%%
If I didn't know now what I didn't know then...
%%
If I die, Baldrick, d'you think people would remember me?
...Yeah, of course they would. People would always be slapping each
  other on the shoulders and laughing and saying, 'Do you remember old
  Privy-Breath?'...
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
%%
If I die, bury me upside down so that the world can kiss my ass!
%%
If I die, I forgive you, if I recover, we shall see.
%%
If idiots could fly, Bill Clinton would be a 747.
%%
If idiots could fly, Congress would be an airport.
%%
If I'd known grandchildren would be so much fun, I
would have had them first
%%
If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go
 to hell.
 -- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88
%%
If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak.
 -- Phil Wayne
%%
If I don't do the things that are not worth doing who will?
%%
If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
 If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again.
    If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much;
  But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
If I don't know I don't know, I think I know. If I don't know I know, I
 think I don't know
 -- R.D. Laing
%%
If I don't know your name, how am I supposed to tell my diary about you?
%%
If I don't make it back, please write o my mother and tell her
  that I've been alive all the time...it's just that I couldn't
  be bothered to get in touch with the old bat.
 -- Edmund to George : Nob and Nobility
%%
If I don't meet you no more in this world
Then I'll see you in the next one.
Don't be late
 -- Jimi Hendrix
%%
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
%%
If I don't see you soon, I'll see you later.
%%
If I do prove her haggard,
Though that her jesses were my dear heart-strings,
I 'ld whistle her off and let her down the wind,
To prey at fortune.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
If I download another byte, there will be an immediate Upload!
%%
If I drink this funny-looking beer, will my pee turn green, too?
%%
If I'd wanted it today, I'd have asked tomorrow..
%%
If I'd written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about
600 people - including me - would be rotting in prison cells from
Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous
commodity in the context of professional journalism.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson (b. 1939), journalist
 -- Fear and Loathing at the Superbowl, Rolling Stone (Feburary 15, 1973)
%%
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a
 boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
 lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to
 have fun with this thing.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change
 almost all occurrences of the word paradigm into example or model.
 -- Herbie Blashtfalt
%%
If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse-as when a man shoots himself.
%%
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
 because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
 we are trying to convey with our store.  On the other hand, we would not
 prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
 gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I ever write a sex manual, I'd call it Ow, You're on My Hair.
 -- Richard Lewis
%%
If I explained what this tagline meant, I'd have to kill you.
%%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
%%
If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxxxvii, 5
%%
If `if' statements had no `then' clauses,
%%
If if, then then.
 -- The Theorem Theorem
%%
I fight for what I believe in. I'm a mercenary, and
what I believe in is money.
%%
If ignorance is bliss, the White House must be heaven on earth!
%%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%%
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
%%
If ignorance is no excuse, what good is it?
%%
If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what is.
%%
If I go insane, please don't put your wires in my brain ...
%%
I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were
 Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers.
 -- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in Star Trek: The Next Generation
        is so nice
%%
I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening
 to an expert. Keep talking.
%%
I figure it's survival of the fittest. The dumb one's will die.
 -- John Bachar
%%
I figure that the best way to figure what the IRS will figure is to get
 them to figure what you are figuring that they will figure that you are not
 really figuring what you want them to figure that you figure. If you figure
 all of this out sufficiently, you have got to figure that they can't figure
 you out in the first place.
%%
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play
or not.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
If I had a belt like yours, I could be an Elvis impersonator.
%%
If I had a Life I would be living it.
%%
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be
 a better way.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If I had a nickel for every bug...
%%
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
 -- Ted Turner
%%
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
%%
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
plantation and
go home.
 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
%%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I had a rocket launcher, some son-of-a-bitch would die!
%%
If I had a twit filter, how could I read messages from me
%%
If I had finished this sentence.
 -- Hofstadter
%%
If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter.
 -- Blaise Pascal
%%
..  If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I had known it was harmless I would have killed it myself.
 -- PKD
%%
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any
office of trust in the United States.
 -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
If I had no duties, and no reference to futurity, I would spend my life in
 driving briskly in a post-chaise with a pretty woman.
%%
If I hadn't had them, I would have had some made.
%%
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.  The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this.
 -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique
 -- adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads.
%%
If I had thought thou couldst have died,
  I might not weep for thee;
But I forgot, when by thy side,
  That thou couldst mortal be.
 -- Charles Wolfe (1791-1823)
 -- To Mary
%%
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
 -- Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)
%%
If I had to sum up in one word what makes a good manager, I'd say
decisiveness.  You can use the fanciest computers to gather the numbers,
but in the end you have to set a timetable and act.
 -- Lee Iacocca
%%
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known
 will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
 -- James Thurber
%%
If I have batteries, why do I need a boyfriend?
%%
If I have done well, and as is fitting,... it is that which I desired;
but if slenderly and meanly, it is that which I could attain unto.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 2 Maccabees xv, 38
%%
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were
standing on my shoulders.
 -- Hal Abelson
%%
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
%%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on
the shoulders of giants.
 -- Isaac Newton
%%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
 -- Isaac Newton

In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
 -- Gerald Holton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.
 -- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
 -- Brian K. Reid
%%
If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.
 -- Isaac Newton (1642-1727)
 -- Letter to Robert Hooke, 5 February 1676
 -- in H. W. Turnbull (ed.) Correspondence of Isaac Newton
 -- vol. 1 (1959) p. 416
%%
If I have to say one more air-headed big sister line, I'm going to
 vomit on a producer.
 -- Julie Condra/Syndi, Reality Takes a Holiday, Eerie Indiana
%%
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
IF I hit the red key is the world over?
%%
If I hurry I'll be late.
%%
If I ignore Rush Limbaugh will he go away?
%%
If I Invited Him...: Woody Kum
%%
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.

On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.

The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
friendly.

The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
 -- Dolph Sharp, I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot
%%
If I knew how to spell, I could use a dictionary.
%%
If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
 -- Mickey Mantle
%%
If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious.
 -- Mignon McLaughlin
%%
If I knew what I was talking about--would I be here???
%%
If I knew what the meaning of art was, I wouldn't tell you.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
If I knew what was going on, do you think I'd be here?
%%
If I knew what was in it, I probably wouldn't eat it.
%%
If I leave town, town leaves with me.
 -- Picard, "The Big Goodbye", stardate 41997.7
%%
If I let go a hammer on a planet having a positive gravity, I need not
  see it fall to know that it has, in fact, fallen.
 -- Spock, "Court Martial," stardate 2948.9.
%%
If I let you go, do you think you could fly?
%%
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun
in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.  That way, if some smart-aleck
cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!"
and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could
just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron.  The soldering iron
of justice."  Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because
they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably
hit them up for a free drink.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I filled my humidifier with wax and left it on.  Now everything in my
house is shiny.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
 I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
 of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
 the top..  They look NICE in the yard--
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking.
%%
If I looked at this retroactively, is Heidi my co-worker?
%%
I filtered all the twits and had no messages left
%%
If I'm a good egg does it really matter if I'm cracked?
%%
If I may begin at the beginning...
%%
If I may venture my own definition of a folk song, I should call
it "an individual flowering on a common stem."
 -- Ralph Vaughan Williams
%%
If I'm gonna eat somebody, it might as well be you!
 -- Iguana
%%
If I'm lying, I'm dying
 -- David Addison
%%
If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.
 -- Jim Carrey in Ace Venture: Pet Detective
%%
If I'm not on the track, I'm thinking about the next race.
%%
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not
use.
%%
If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?
 -- Jeremy Brett, on playing Sherlock Holmes
%%
If I must go into eternity, I'd prefer to go by the scenic route.
%%
I finally figured it out. The UNIX is a Vic-20 with lots of memory.
%%
I! Finally! Figured! Out! How! To! Punctuate! Kirk's! Sentences!
%%
ifinallyfoundawaytogeteverythingiwantedtosayintoa72charactertagline.
%%
I finally got it all together. Then I forgot where I put it.
%%
I finally got it altogether, and found out that rental space for it was far
 more expensive than anticipated.
%%
I find a lot of actors are infantile people.  It's just so silly what we do
half the time.  Someone said to my daughter, 'Are you gonna be an
actress like your mum?'  And she said, 'Oh please.  I'm gonna be
something useful, like a nurse.'
 -- Tracy Ulman
%%
I find Bob's breath offensive. It keeps him alive.
%%
I find humans are quite clean pets
 -- HAL
%%
I find I always have to write something on a steamed mirror.
 -- Elaine Dundy
%%
I find it hard to restrain my enthusiasm.
%%
"I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to
sit still in two spots."
 -- Brother Theodore
%%
I find it only fitting that MICROSOFT.COM is not a valid MS-DOS filename.
%%
I find my familiarity with thee has bred contempt.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. vi
%%
I find myself beside a stream of empty thought.
%%
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
%%
If in doubt, take it out.
 -- Peter's Assertion
%%
I find push buttons very depressing......
%%
I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go
 into the other room and read a book.
 -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
%%
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking
up something and finding something else on the way.
 -- Franklin P. Adams
%%
I find that the best virtue I have has in it some tincture of vice.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. xx, That we taste nothing pure
%%
I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand,
as in what direction we are moving; to reach the port of heaven,
we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it,
but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%%
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by.  "Legend" means,
basically, "bullshit."
 -- Walter Slovotsky, The Warrior Lives
%%
"I find the defendant guilty as charged," he said judiciously.
%%
I find the medicine worse than the malady.
 -- John Fletcher (1576-1625)
 -- Love's Cure, Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.
 -- Darse ("Darth") Vader
%%
I find your lack of faith in the Force disturbing....
 -- Darth Vader (Star Wars)
%%
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service
experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly
calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
 -- The RPCISPE's Ninteenth Universal Law
%%
If I now have egg on my face, please pass a washcloth!
%%
If, in the course of several months, only three
worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same
evening.
 -- Law of Social Dynamics (Johnson Second Law)
%%
If into the German language this sentence to translate one wanted, would one
the fact that to all the German grammatical conventions it already conforms
exploit?
%%
IF: Invoke Force
%%
If I only had a 486 . .
%%
 ("If I Only Had A Brain":)
 I might be in the shower,
 I might be gone for hours,
 I can't come to the phone.
 So, please leave your name and number,
 If I miss you it'd be a bummer,
 Leave your message at the tone...
 -- Answering machine madness - mainly musical theme
%%
If I only had one more teragigadactylbyte..
%%
If I only had something to do with my life!?!
%%
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
 -- Gen. Philip Sheridan
%%
If I pitch a simulated game, do I have to go drink simulated beer?
%%
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
%%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I put water in my dog's mouth, will bells ring?
%%
If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear would Greece help?
%%
If I repent of any thing, it is very likely to be my good behavior.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
If I reprehend anything in this world, it is the use of my oracular
tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
If I said you had a beautiful graphic, would you...
%%
If I save the whales, where will I keep them?
%%
If I save time, what kind of interest will I get?
%%
If I save time, when do I get it back ?
%%
If I say anything interesting, kill me immediately.
%%
...If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the
wrong impression.
%%
if (isfunny(tagline)) steal(); else next_msg();
%%
If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet.
%%
If is is is not & is not is is is is not is?
%%
If I speak to thee in friendship's name,
  Thou think'st I speak too coldly;
If I mention love's devoted flame,
  Thou say'st I speak too boldly.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- How shall I woo?
%%
If I spit, they will take my spit and frame it as great art.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
if IsStolen(Tagline) then Insult(Thief);
%%
If it ain't an HST DS then it's just an HST!
%%
If it ain't broke, break it and charge for repair.
%%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
 -- Bert Lantz
%%
If it ain't broke, hit it harder.
%%
If it ain't broken, break it!
%%
If it ain't broken, fix it until it is.
%%
If it ain't broken...give it to a liberal to fix.
%%
If it ain't broken, it ain't mine.
%%
If it ain't broken, keep playing with it.
%%
If it ain't broken, let me have a shot at it.
%%
If it ain't broken, play with it until it is.
%%
If it ain't broken, release a NEW version until it is!
%%
If it ain't broken, try installing something else.
%%
If it ain't broken, you haven't been using it to its full potential.
%%
If it ain't broken, you just haven't looked hard enough.
%%
If it ain't broke, wait a day or two.
%%
If It Ain't Country, It Ain't Music! 'Nuff Said I Think.
%%
If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!
%%
If it ain't Scottish, it's CRAP!
%%
If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxxxix, 9
%%
If I talk over people's heads, Ike must talk under their feet.
%%
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans xii, 18
%%
If it bleeds, you can kill it
 -- Predator
%%
If it breaks, you used too big a hammer.
 -- Paul's Third Law
%%
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and
you will break it.
 -- W. W. Chandler
%%
If it can be understood, it's not finished yet.
 -- Paul Herbig
%%
If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
 -- Sherry Graditor
%%
If it can go wrong it will, while HE'S out of town.
 -- Mrs. Murphy's Law
%%
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science, it is opinion.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
If it can't be fixed with Vise-Grips & duct tape, it can't be fixed.
%%
If it compiles, leave it. Thus shall work!
 -- Sveinar and two of his friends...
%%
If it doens't fit, cast it.
%%
If it doesn't come from you, shouldn't it come from Gerber?
 -- Bristol Meyers baby formula ad
%%
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, Real Software Engineers
 don't program in it.
%%
If It doesn't matter, and what if it did?
%%
If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
%%
If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
 -- Hill's Fourth Commentary on Murphy's Law
%%
If it doesn't matter who wins, then how come they keep score?
 -- Vince Lombardi
%%
If it doesn't, paint it!
%%
If it doesn't work, change the documentation.
%%
If it doesn't work, expand it.
 -- Schrank's First Law
The greater the magnitude, the less notice will be taken
that it does not work.
 -- Corollary
%%
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
%%
If it doesn't work, then it's perfectly normal.
%%
If it don't come easy, ya better let it go.
%%
If it don't cook, it ain't jazz.
%%
If I tell you how much I like your body...
will you hold it against me?
%%
If iterate means to do again and again, then what does reiterate mean?
%%
If it feels good, do it.
%%
If it feels good do it, and if it does good feel it.
%%

 If it feels good, it is downright ugly. If it looks good on you, it hurts
 to wear it. If it is on sale, they don't have your size. If it is
 absolutely awful, they have it, in your size, on sale. If it is worse than
 this, you get two for the price of one.
 -- Clothing Purchase Rules
%%
- if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If it glows don't touch it!
%%
If it goes together easily, you're doing it wrong.
 -- Poe's Law of Assembly
%%
If it had been a bear it would have bit you.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue i
%%
If it happens, it must be possible.
 -- Unnamed Law
%%
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
%%
If it hasn't been tested, it won't work.
 -- Larry Hardiman (Amdahl employee)
%%
If it has pixels, I'm for it.
%%
"If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly."
 -- ...understanding GUIs...
%%
If it has Tits or Tires you're gonna have trouble with it.
%%
If I thought life was cheap, I wouldn't charge so much to take one.
%%
If I throw a dog into a bag, is it a doggie bag?
%%
If it hurts you're probably doing it the wrong way.
%%
If it is a known fact of record that your grand-father did not have any
 children, it is much more likely that your father did not have any children
 and it practically insures that you won't perhaps even could not have any
 children. And if you don't, it is even less likely that your children will.
%%
If it is alright with you, I think I will make lunch for us in my tee
 shirt. Well, it is alright by me, but it seems it would be a whole lot less
 messy if you were to make lunch on the counter.
%%
If it is full, don't empty it. If it is empty, don't fill it. If you don't
 look, you won't know. If you don't know, you won't have to do anything
 about it.
%%
If it is full of bugs - fool them
by giving it a GUI before release
 -- Motto of the 90's
%%
If it is generally known what one is supposed to be doing, then someone
will expect him to do it.
 -- Merle P. Martin
%%
If it is good, production is due to stop shortly. If it was excellent,
 production stopped already, and if it is absolutely superb, it has not been
 made for a fairly good number of years.
%%
If it is good, they will stop making it.
 -- Herbert Block's Law
%%
If it is not seemly, do it not; if it is not true, speak it not.
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, xii, 17
%%
If it isn't baroque, don't fix it--unless you're sure you can handel it.
%%
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
 -- Baldwin's Corollary to Schmidt's Law
%%
If it isn't broken, I can fix it.
%%
If it isn't good, may it be struck by lightning.  Again!
%%
If it isn't original, it isn't sin.
%%
If it isn't PC why does Jane Fonda keep doing the "tomahawk chop"?
%%
If it isn't Scottish...it's CRRRRRAP!
%%
If it isn't true, at least it is a happy invention.
%%
If it isn't what you thought it was, it is likely not going to be what you
 think you are going to make it be.
%%
If it isn't written down - It didn't happen.
%%
If it is so simple that it could not baffle even a fool, you will be
 completely fooled and totally baffled. After all, you are a Zerro reader!
%%
If it is still moving, don't try to eat it, and if it looks like it might
 try to move, don't try to revive it.
%%
If it is the only survivor of a dead race, to kill it would be a crime
  against science.
 -- Spock, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
%%
If it is to be, it is up to me.
%%
If it is true that words have meanings, why don't we throw away
words and keep just the meanings?
 -- Ludwig Wittgenstein via Anatol Holt
%%
If it itches - Stroke it!.....It might Work.
%%
If it jams - force it. If it breaks - it needed replacement anyway.
 -- Lowery's Law
%%
If it looks as if you're wrong - contradict yourself!
%%
If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
 -- Stockmayer's Theorem
%%
If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is
probably just a tool of the conspiracy.
%%
If it looks like a fly & tastes like a fly...
%%
If it makes sense, it's against liberal policy.
%%
If it might break, don't go near it.
 -- Herbert Stein
%%
 If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up;
and if you can't pick it up, paint it green.
 -- Army Law
%%
If it moves so SLOW, why is it called Rush Hour?  (Limbaugh)
%%
If it moves - Train it. If it doesn't - maintain it.
%%
If it multiplies in your refrigerator, don't eat it.
%%
  If I touch a match to a mixture of chemicals and an explosion occurs,
   I don't set a second mixture aside to see if it will blow up without
  the help of the match.  The effect of the match is obvious.
 -- Walden Two
%%
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
%%
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
 As Dame Fortune did intend,
 Murphy would be there to tell me
 The pot's at the other end.
 -- Bert Whitney
%%
If it runs GNUemacs it's a computer, otherwise it's a peripheral.
 -- Kevin Johnson
%%
If it's 04/14/90, we must be in Sandy Eggo.
%%
If it's a civil war pro-life wants...BRING IT ON!
%%
If it's a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within
you is destroyed.
 -- Kahlil Gibran, 1923
%%
If it's advertised for "less than $100," you can bet it will cost
$99.95.
 -- McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom
%%
If it's against state law, it's generally considered a breach of Etiquette.
 -- Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
%%
If it's any of your business, it isn't really gossip.
%%
If it says, "One size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
 -- Glaser's Law
%%
If it's bad, it's probably good!
%%
If it's BLUE and doesn't work, it's the Air Force!
%%
If it's broke, fix it.
 -- The MS-DOS way
If it ain't broke, don't touch it.
 -- The Unix way
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
 -- Maintainer's Motto
%%
If It's Bug Free, It's Time to Make Changes.
%%
If it's clean, it isn't laundry.
%%
If it's comprehensible, it's obsolete.
%%
If it screams it's not food......yet.  <<Evil Grin<<
%%
If it's dirty, it belongs here!
%%
If it's DOOM, it won't work.  nn|nn is the fingers!!
%%
If it's fixed, don't break it!
%%
If it's fun, you'll have to quit tomorrow, if it's a drag, it'll
hang around forever.
 -- Tracey's Time Observation
%%
If it's glowing, don't eat it...
%%
If it's God's will, who gets the money?
%%
If it's good, they discontinued it.
%%
If it's got tits or tyres, it will give you problems..
%%
If it's gray, it ain't air!
%%
If it's hard to document, the design is probably poorly thought out.
%%
If it should become necessary to fight, could you locate me some
  rocks to throw at them.
 -- Riker, "Contagion", stardate 42609.1
%%
If it's ineffable, someone will f**k with it.
%%
If it's in stock, we've got it!
%%
If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become the expert.
 -- Winger's Rule
%%
If it's lost and found, then what's the problem?  You have it!
%%
If it's Monday it must be meatloaf!
%%
If it's never finished, you can't prove it doesn't work.
 -- Jeff Brown, Argosystems
%%
If it's not broke, fix it! ... (Creates jobs !)
%%
If it's not broke, it must be the beta copy.
%%
If it's not broke, let me take a crack at it.
%%
If it's not broken, Don't even touch it!
%%
If it's not chocolate, it's not worth eating.
%%
If it's not cruel and unusual, it's not punishment.
%%
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
%%
If it's not loud, it doesn't work!
 -- Blank Reg, from Max Headroom
%%
If it's not mathematics, it's just opinion.
%%
If it's not music I don't want to hear it!
%%
If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.
%%
If it's not one thing, it's a BUNCH of things
%%
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
%%
If it's not Scottish IT'S CRRAAAPPP.
%%
If it's Not sentient, don't bother with it....!
%%
If it's not Telemate, It's not the best!
%%
If it's not there and you can see it -- it's virtual.
%%
If it's not violent...what fun is it?
%%
If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong.
%%
If it sounds GOOD to YOU, it's bitchen; and if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's
 shitty.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
 If it's so safe to fly, why do they give you an hour of instructions when
 you get on the plane? Have safety instructions where you know it's
 dangerous to travel--like the New York City subway system. Have the
 conductor come out and say, "Ay! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this
 is your conductor Angelo speakin'. Welcome to the D train. If the train
 should go above ground through the Bronx, bulletproof vests can be located
 under your seat. If the vest don't inflate, duck. All weapons may be stored
 in the overhead compartments. And, please, no stabbing until the train has
 come to a complete stop in the terminal. You'll notice the conductor has
 turned off the "No Urinating' sign. Just feel free to soil yourself. And
 now please return the homeless person to his original upright position.
 Should an unbathed bag lady walk on the train, a small mask will drop from
 the ceiling. Put it over your nose and mouth and breathe like your life
 depended on it."
 -- Gabe Abelson
%%
If it's stupid, but it works, it's not stupid.
 -- Amphibious Warfare Review, June 1992
%%
If it's suicide you're after Master Bruce, I have the recipe for an old family
potion. It's slow working and quite painful, you'd like it.
 -- Alfred to Batman, "The Dark Knight Returns" by Frank Miller
%%
If it's the thought that counts, why aren't
there more pregnant women around?
%%
If it's too fast, you're too old
 -- seen on a bumper sticker
%%
If it's too loud, you're too old.
 -- Bumper sticker
%%
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
 -- The Heavy Metal motto
%%
If it's tourist season, where do I get a license?
%%
If it's Tourist Season, why can't we shoot 'em ???
%%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
%%
If it's useless and does nothing, call it v1.0
%%
If it swells, jump it.
%%
If it's working OK, then something's GOTTA be wrong!
%%
If it's working PLEASE ...Don't make Love to it!!!
%%
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
 -- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
%%
If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing.
 -- Leo Rogers' Commentary
%%
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind,
give it more thought.
 -- Dennis Roch
%%
If it takes a man and a half a day and a half to dig a hole and a half, how
 many days does it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a
 dill pickle?

 Thirteen, because boy dogs can't have puppies.
%%
If it taste good, spit it out, it's bad for you.
%%
If it tastes good it's fattening - if it don't it ain't.
%%
If it tastes good, you can't have it. If it tastes awful, you'd better
clean your plate.
%%
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil.  But
the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an
underachiever.
 -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death"
%%
If it walks out of the refrigerator, just LET IT GO!
%%
If it walks, quacks, and looks like a duck...COOK IT!!
%%
If it was easy, it wouldn't be any fun.
%%
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
%%
If it was easy, they wouldn't need us.
%%
If it wasn't for cable TV, I would have to hire a babysitter.
%%
If it wasn't for C, I'd have a lot more spare time :-) ...
%%
If it wasn't for EZ-RDR it would be hard.
%%
If it wasn't for half the people in the world, the other half would be all
 of them.
 -- Colonel Lemuel Stoopnagle
%%
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
%%
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
 -- Mel's Law
%%
If it wasn't for these muscle spasms, I'd get no exercise at all.
%%
If it wasn't for this terrible war, Neville would still be here
  today, sniffling his little nose, and going, 'eek'.
On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able
  to insert a curtain rod in his bottom and use him as a dishmop.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
%%
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
%%
If it was raining soup, I'd have a knife & fork
%%
If it were done when 't is done, then 't were well
It were done quickly: if the assassination
Could trammel up the consequence, and catch
With his surcease success; that but this blow
Might be the be-all and the end-all here,
But here, upon this bank and shoal of time,
We 'ld jump the life to come. But in these cases
We still have judgment here; that we but teach
Bloody instructions, which being taught, return
To plague the inventor: this even-handed justice
Commends the ingredients of our poison'd chalice
To our own lips.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 7
%%
If it were easy to understand, we wouldn't call it code
%%
If it were not for reporters telling each other all the interesting and
 wonderful things they did on weekends and some new breakthroughs in rectal
 salves which doctors support, there would hardly be anything worth watching
 on the evening news.
%%
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
 -- George Ade
%%
If it weren't for betting on horses, some people wouldn't contribute to
 anything.
%%
If it weren't for caffeine I'd have no personality whatsoever!
%%
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television
 by candlelight.
 -- George Gobel (1920-1991)
%%
If it weren't for feminizts, we wouldn't need them.
%%
If it weren't for lawyers, I think we could have invented a universal
symbolic representation of reality.
%%
If it weren't for lawyers we wouldn't need lawyers.
%%
If it weren't for me, there'd be a pile of clothes on the floor.
%%
If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot
 faster with two people digging.
 -- Mister Boffo
%%
If it weren't for optimists, pessimists
would never know how unhappy they are.
%%
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd
 still be eating frozen radio dinners.
 -- Johnny Carson
%%
If it weren't for politicians, who would fashion disorder out of chaos.
%%
If it weren't for venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for everyone.
%%
If it were possible to heal sorrow by weeping and to raise the dead
with tears, gold were less prized than grief.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Scyrii, Frag. 510
%%
If it were true that men could achieve their good by means of turning some
men into sacrificial animals, and ... if I were asked to serve the
interests of society apart from, above and against my own I would
refuse....I would fight in the full confidence of the justice of my battle
and of a living being's right to exist.
 -- Ayn Rand
%%
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
%%
If it will feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
If it works, break it!
%%
If it works, don't fix it.
 -- Sam Rayburn
%%
If it works, I didn't do it.
%%
If it works, it must be obsolete.
%%
If it works, it's a Miracle.
 -- Miracle Software, Inc. Motto
%%
If it works leave it alone, if it doesn't - ignore it!
%%
If it works right the first time, obviously you've done something wrong.
 -- Herman's Rule
%%
If it works, rip it apart and find out why.
%%
If it works, sell it.
If it works well, sell it for more.
If it doesn't work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #96
%%
If it works the first time, quit testing it.
%%
If it works tinker till it doesn't.
%%
If it works, use it.
 -- Genry Pinera [ME]
%%
If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit management always insists on repairing
the old one. If it's cheaper to repair the old one management will insist on
replacing it with the latest model.
%%
If it would have been a snake, it would have bitten me.
%%
If I've offended anyone, my efforts have been rewarded.
%%
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
%%
If I wanted to listen to an ASSHOLE, I would've farted!
%%
IF I WANTED WINDOWS, I'D LIVE IN A GREENHOUSE.
%%
If I wanted your criticism... it was in my former life.
%%
If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask your computer.
%%
If I wanted your opinion, I'd take you off my Twit List.
%%
If I want to be assimilated I'll ask!!!!
%%
If I want to hear you scream in pain I'll play some rap music.
%%
If I want to hit a grounder, I hit the bottom third of the ball.   If I want
to hit a line drive, I hit the middle third, and if I want to hit a pop fly I
hit the top third.
 -- Stan Musial, explaining his hitting philosophy to a rookie
%%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
%%
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
 "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad
 and yell, "A girl!?  You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to
 another father.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If *I* was a woman - I'd just spend all my time at home fondling my breasts.
 -- Matthew J Ross.
%%
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
 Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?  I thought you
said `inspection'."  They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could
get out of it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
 -- Pick up line
%%
If I was going to storm a pillbox, going to sheer, utter, certain death,
 and the colonel said, "Shepherd, pick six guys," I'd pick six White Sox
 fans, because they have known death every day of their lives and it holds
 no terror for them.
 -- Jean Shepherd
%%
If I was human I would..Wait a minute! I AM Human
%%
If I =wasn't= crazy I'd be insane by now! <-No joke there
%%
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
 treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
 surprised.  "Wait a minute!  I thought WE won!"
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If I were a gambling man, I would bet that you read this.
%%
If I were an American, as I am an Englishman, while a foreign troop
was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,--never! never!
never!
 -- William Pitt, Earl of Chatham (1708-1778)
 -- Speech, Nov. 18, 1777
%%
If I were any more convenient, I'd be a nuisance.
%%
If I were asked what book is better than a cheap book, I should answer
that there is one book better than a cheap book,--and that is a book
honestly come by.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Before the U. S. Senate Committee on Patents, Jan. 29, 1886
%%
If I were as tedious as a king, I could find it in my heart to bestow
it all of your worship.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
If I were dead, I wouldn't be alive!
%%
If I were going to create a New Universe, I'd rest on the seventh day.
 -- Jack Kirby
%%
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
%%
If I were meta-agnostic, I'd be confused over whether I'm agnostic or not---but
 I'm not quite sure if I feel That way; hence I must be meta-meta-agnostic (I
 guess).
 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, _Godel, Escher, Bach_
%%
If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician.  I often
think in music.  I live my daydreams in music.  I see my life in terms
of music. ...  I get most joy in life out of music.
 -- Albert Einstein, (1879-1955)
%%
If I were not a professional, and an android, I would be insulted.
 -- Data to Geordi, "The Icarus Factor", stardate 42686.4
%%
If I were rich my butler would answer my mail.
%%
If I were truly original, I'd think of something cute.
%%
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
%%
If I were you, I'd be different.
%%
If I were you I'd dance naked in the middle of the street just to
embarrass you.
%%
If I were you, who'd be me?
%%
If I wished to punish a province, I would have it governed by philosophers.
 -- Frederick the Great
%%
If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty.
%%
If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never
 stop throwing up.
 -- Max Von Sydow's character in Woody Allen's Hannah and Her Sisters
%%
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify
him.  They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and
make fun of it.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) Scottish historian
 -- Quoted in D.A. Wilson, Carlyle at his Zeinith
%%
If Jesus save's, well he'd better save himself.
%%
If Jesus was Jewish, how come he's got a Mexican name?
 -- Tom Waits
%%
If Jimmy Swaggart did the things the latest Penthouse says he did, the man
 should be locked up as a real menace to society!
%%
If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his
 feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football.
 -- Chuck Newcombe
%%
If J. Paul Getty opened a health resort, would it be a Spa-Getty?
%%
If justice rules the universe, we are all in trouble.
%%
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
forgot to send it.   But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
receive Net Mail ...
 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
%%
If Khomeini was Catholic, my life would now be worth a million bucks.
%%
if (KidsPerFamily < 2.0) EcologicalCrime = TRUE;
%%
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through
ignorance that we can solve them.
 -- Isaac Asimov
%%
If ladies be but young and fair,
They have the gift to know it; and in his brain,
Which is as dry as the remainder biscuit
After a voyage, he hath strange places cramm'd
With observation, the which he vents
In mangled forms.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
If language is not correct, then what is said is not
what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant,
then what must be done remains undone; if this
remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate;
if justice goes astray, the people will stand about
in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no
arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above everything.
 -- Confucius
%%
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many
 lawyers?
 -- Calvin Trillin
%%
If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
%%
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged;
models deposed; tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
 -- Virginia Ostman
%%
I fled, and cry'd out, DEATH!
Hell trembled at the hideous name, and sigh'd
From all her caves, and back resounded, DEATH!
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 787
%%
If liberals were smart, they wouldn't be liberals, would they?
%%
If life deals you a bad hand, asks for a reshuffle!!
%%
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by
 shoving them down his throat)?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If life doesn't offer a game worth playing, then invent a new one.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
If life had a vomit meter, we'd be off the scale.
 -- Joe Bob Briggs
%%
If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!
%%
If life is a bowl of cherries, throwing stones is ok.
%%
If life is a fairy tale, I'd HATE to see nightmares!
%%
If life is a rat race, the rats are winning.
%%
If life is but a dream please wake me up.
%%
If life is fair, then explain Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch?!?
%%
If life is free why work?
%%
If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
If Life's a trip, where the hell is MY ticket?
%%
If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten, and that's
 to laugh and dance and jump and sing.
%%
If lifes funny , then why aren't I laughing!
%%
If life was a highway, I'd be in a ditch!
%%
If life were a bed of roses, some people wouldn't be happy until
they developed an allergy.
%%
If LISP didn't have an appropriate command, then AutoLISP just made
one up!
 -- AutoLISP in plain english, George O. Head
%%
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
 -- Tom Robbins
%%
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've
got in the house.
 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
%%
If looks could kill it would've been us instead of him!
%%
If looks could kill, you would be a seriel murderer.
%%
If love is blind, how does love at first sight work?
%%
If love is blind, lingerie makes for great braille.
%%
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
%%
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
 -- Stacy's mom
%%
If love makes the world go 'round, Why are we going to outer space?
 -- Margaret Gilman
%%
if (love) swallow(); else spit();
%%
If love was meant to be easy, everybody would be in it.
%%
If Lucas Electric made guns, wars wouldn't start.
%%
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man
but deteriorate the cat
 -- Mark Twain
%%
If man does his best what else is there?
 -- George S. Patton (1885-1945)
%%
If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around?
Some of them were given choices.
 -- Johnny Hart's comic strip B.C.
%%
If man was meant to use Windows, we'd *all* be like Al Gore!
%%
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
%%
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect
 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
%%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
 -- Florynce Kennedy, 1976
%%
If men could get pregnant, it would help hide the beer bellies.
%%
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
%%
If men have the power, why do they commit suicide more?
%%
If Michael and Carol haven't got it, it must be pretty difficult, so if
 you haven't got it at home, well done.
%%
If Michelangelo were a heterosexual the Sistine Chapel would have
been painted basic white and with a roller.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
%%
If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?
%%
If miniskirts get shorter they wont be allowed any longer.
%%
If moderators don't need one, then neither do I!
%%
If Mohammed can't go to the mountain, then that's his problem.
%%
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
%%
If money grew on trees, there wouldn't be much shade.
%%
If money is the root of all evil, Id like to be a bad, bad man.
%%
If money is the root of all evil, I've been uprooted.
%%
If money is your hope for independence you will never have it.   The only
 real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge,
 experience, and ability.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it.
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
If Money talks, Being a SYSOP is pretty quiet!
%%
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one
is at fault.
 -- The RPCISPE's Seventeenth Universal Law
%%
If most of us had it to do all over again, most of us would let someone
 else do part of it.
%%
If most people are right-handed, why are all neutrinos left-handed?
It's a safety feature to keep kids from opening them.
%%
If mother Nature doesn't get you, Father Time will.
%%
If Mother Nature doesn't make mistakes
then why does dessert taste better than dinner?
%%
If Mother Nature were smart she'd have leaves fall up.
%%
if ((MS < BORLAND) || (WINDOWS < OS/2)) hahaha();
%%
 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
 -- Silverman's Law
%%
If Murphy's Law were true, whenever you tried to take a
breath, all the air would be on the other side of the room.
%%
If music be the food of love, play on.
 -- 12th Nite
%%
If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
If my baby won't love me no more, I know her sister will.
 -- Hendrix.
%%
If my disk crashes do I require autoexec insurance?
%%
If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk
 backwards.
 -- Jamie Farr
%%
If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
If my girlfriend caught me on this board.
%%
If my gossip Report be an honest woman of her word.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
If my soul could get away from this so-called prison, be granted all the
list of attributes generally bestowed on spirits, my first ramble on
spirit-wings would not be among the volcanoes of the moon. Nor should I
follow the sunbeams to their sources in the sun. I should hover about the
beauty of our own good star. I should not go moping among the tombs, not
around the artificial desolation of men. I should study Nature's laws in
all their crossings and unions; I should follow magnetic streams to their
source and follow the shores of our magnetic oceans. I should go among the
rays of the aurora, and follow them to their beginnings, and study their
dealings and communions with other powers and expressions of matter. And I
should go to the very center of our globe and read the whole splendid page
from the beginning. But my first journeys would be into the inner substance
of flowers, and among the folds and mazes of Yosemite's falls. How grand to
move about in the very tissue of falling columns, and in the very
birthplace of their heavenly harmonies, looking outward as from windows of
ever-varying transparency and staining!
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
If my soul could get away from this so-called prison...I should hover over the
beauty of our own bright star.  I should study Nature's laws in all their
crossings and unions...But my first journey would be into the inner substance
of flowers.
 -- John Muir
%%
If my standards were any lower I'd be sucking magma!
%%
If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim
  me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world.
 -- Einstein
%%
If naebody care for me,
I 'll care for naebody.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- I hae a Wife o' my Ain
%%
If NASA is so smart, why do they count backwards?
%%
If Negro freedom is taken away, or that of any minority group, the
freedom of all the people is taken away.
 -- Paul Robeson
%%
If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available.
 -- Vuilleumier's Second Law
%%
If Noah had consulted with modern-day weather forecasters, there would have
been a ten-percent chance of him building the ark.
 -- Jim Fiebig
%%
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
%%
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
 -- The Third Law of Gardening
%%
If no one uses something, it isn't needed.
 -- Robert Sommer
%%
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent
person until he submerges.
 -- Boyle's First Law
%%
If not for beer and sex, there would be no point in growing up at all.
%%
If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles!
%%
If not for raisins, Gingerbread Men couldn't see!
%%
If not for us, you might have done something constructive.
%%
If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
%%
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do
 they make Teflon stick to the pan?
%%
If nothing's fair, why can't it ever be unfair in my favor?
 -- Calvin
%%
If nothing went wrong today, you're probably dead.
 -- Murphy's Last Law
%%
If not Pascal or Modula2 your program is WIRTHless.
%%
If nuclear, therefore it must be bad; Denounce such power with
a protest squeal. The scientists made it (surely they're all mad),
It's better not to think and just to feel.
 -- Jack Kirwan
%%
IF numcooks < .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
%%
If of all words of tongue and pen,
 The saddest are, `It might have been,'
 More sad are these we daily see:
 `It is, but hadn't ought to be.'
 -- Francis Brett Harte
%%
If (O.J. Simpson) is acquitted, I will renounce my citizenship.  And if I
converse with him at a cocktail party, I will say, 'Well, there are so many
people here who haven't murdered anyone.  I think I'll go talk to them.'
I'll also riot.
 -- Dick Cavett.
%%
If olive oil comes from olives, and peanut oil comes
from peanuts, where does baby oil come from?
%%
"I followed you."
"I saw no one."
"That is what you may expect to see when I follow you."
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Sherlock Holmes: The Devil's Foot"
%%
If Omar Sharif lived in Gateshead, he wouldn't be Oamr Sharif.
%%
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%%
If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick
 to the truth.
 -- Angela Thirkell
%%
If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.
 -- Seneca (the Younger)
%%
If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.
 -- Carl Jung (1875-1961)
%%
If one has not given everything, one has given nothing.
 -- Georges Guynemer
%%
If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
%%
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any
connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of
religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and
superficial answer is not far to seek....
The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various
denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that,
if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival
denomination would get an unfair advantage.
 -- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher,
 -- from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%%
If one is going to steal, it is considered somewhat sporting to inform the
 victims beforehand; for examples see any episodes of the BATMAN TV series.
 -- Robert J Woodhead ([e-mail])
%%
If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all three of these
parameters, task, time, and resources, then what one deals with is
not the realm of R&D.
%%
If one is master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at
the same time, insight into and understanding of many things.
 -- Van Gogh
%%
If one is to be called a liar, one may as well make an effort to deserve
 the name.
 -- A. A. Milne
%%
If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for
the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
%%
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River,
the Headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN'T SWIM.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished;
but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult,
for we believe others to be happier than they are.
 -- Montesquieu
%%
If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody.
 -- Agatha Christie
%%
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
%%
If one views his problems closely enough he will recognise
himself as part of the problem.
 -- Ducharm's Axiom
%%
If one word does not succeed, ten thousand are of no avail.
%%
If one would become totally unhappy, one must have the time to consider
 whether or not one is as happy as one should be. Two can do it in half the
 time, by providing unhappiness for the other, thus solving the problem.
%%
If one would know the truth, look to the beginning.
%%
If only Einstein had a 486DX-33....   like I do...
%%
If only God would give me some clear sign  Like making a large deposit in my
name at a Swiss bank.
 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
%%
If only I'd paid attention in nursery art classes instead of spending
  my entire time manufacturing papier-mache willies to frighten Sarah
  Wallace...
 -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
If only... if only.
%%
If only I still had my Commodore 64... If only...
%%
If only men came with pull down menus and online help..
%%
If only my computer could cook...
%%
If only my penmanship teacher could see me now.
%%
If only one bid can be secured on a project, the price will be unreasonable.
 -- The RPCISPE's Sixth Universal Law
%%
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
 having to accomplish anything.
%%
If only one solution can be found for a field problem,
    then it is usually a stupid solution.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #61
%%
If only our great thinkers could learn to talk,
and our great talkers could learn to think!
%%
If only the Catholics would stick together and live up to their Faith [as
 regards birth control], they could control the world and the world's
 morality.
 -- Dr. Claude Newbury, Director, HLI Johannesburg, HLI Special Report, #62,
 -- as quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood
 -- pamphlet
%%
If only there were some indication the universe was
doing it on purpose
%%
If only Vincent Foster were alive today.
%%
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.
 -- Edith Wharton
%%
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
%%
If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes.
 -- Roy Baty, Bladerunner
%%
If on my theme I rightly think,
There are five reasons why men drink,--
Good wine, a friend, because I 'm dry,
Or lest I should be by and by,
Or any other reason why.
 -- John Sirmond (c. 1589-1649)
 -- Causae Bibendi
%%
If on the other hand he went to pay his respects to The Door and it
wasn't there . . . what then? The answer, of course, was very simple.
He had a whole board of circuits for dealing with exactly this problem,
in fact this was the very heart of his function. He would continue
to believe in it whatever the facts turned out to be, what else was
the meaning of Belief? The Door would still be there, even if the
Door was not.
 -- Douglas Adams
 -- Dirk Gently, Dirk Gently: Holistic Detective Agency
%%
I fooled them all.   I am the Master.
 -- Doctor, The Space Museum
%%
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
 -- Milton Berle, comedian
%%
If opportunity knocks, go to bed with your pants on.
%%
If order is heaven's first law, I live just three blocks the other side of
 hell.
%%
If order is heaven's first law, there's just a whole pack of us in serious
 deep trouble..
%%
I forget how to move
 When my mouth is this dry
 And my eyes are bursting hearts
 In a bloodstained sky
 Oh, it was sweet and wild.
 -- The Cure, "Homesick"
%%
I Forgot To Add A Tagline.
%%
I forgot to take my memory pills!
%%
I forgot where I left my short term memory!
%%
if ( original_ver == OK )  don't_upgrade();
%%
IF original_works THEN don't_upgrade ENDIF
%%
I, for my own part, had much rather people should say of me that there
neither is nor ever was such a man as Plutarch, than that they should
say, "Plutarch is an unsteady, fickle, froward, vindictive, and touchy
fellow."
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Superstition
%%
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.

Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: I came by
subway.    Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%%
I forward my paychecks to my Sysop.
%%
If OS/2 V2.2 is soooooo great, why is V2.4 coming?
%%
If OS/2 was hooked up to nuclear missiles, what happens?
%%
I fought the (fjords!) and the (fjords!) won.
%%
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
%%
I found a happy medium, so I annoyed her.
%%
I found a mouse in my beer, eh.
%%
I found an immortality spell with a lifetime guarantee!
%%
...I found it particularly ironic, my lord, because I've got a thingy
  that's shaped like a turnip!...I'm a great use at parties.
Are you.
Yes...I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children...
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer
%%
I found Jesus, and he said, "Tag, you're it!"
%%
I found my thrill on Blueberry (Anita) Hill.
%%
I found my Trill... On Daxberry Hill..
%%
I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy.
I expostulated, but he replied: 'The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies;
that's fair.' In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
 -- Bertrand Russell, Education and the Social Order
%%
I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the
house.   And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way
she wants to.
 -- Yakov Smirnoff
%%
I found out who the spirit was that designed
 the Winchester Mystery House. Helen keller.
%%
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's
 because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?
 -- Wendy Liebman
%%
I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words.
%%
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
%%
I found the answer . . . but forgot the question.
%%
I found the TRAAAAaaaaaaaapppp!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
I found this.  He says his name's Arthur, but I think he's harmless.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
- "I found this news absolutely dismaying..."
                    Edith Cresson (Premier, France) ([e-mail])
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
I found this seance to pass the most stringent tests
of credulity, with the minor exception of a phonograph,
which was found under Madame Reynaud's dress.
 -- Without Feathers -- Woody Allen
%%
I found this tagline in the cat's litter box!
%%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If our founding fathers were alive today, they'd roll over in their graves.
 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
%%
If our standard of living gets much higher, most of us won't be able
to afford it.
%%
if (output == CRAP) eat_words();
%%
If parts allure thee, think how Bacon shin'd,
The wisest, brightest, meanest of mankind!
Or ravish'd with the whistling of a name,
See Cromwell, damn'd to everlasting fame!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle iv, Line 281
%%
If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
%%
If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would
be librarians.
 -- Warren Buffet, Washington Post
%%
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
%%
If penicillin is such a wonder drug, how come it can't cure bread mold?
 -- Ron Smith
%%
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If people behaved in the way nations do they would
 all be put in straitjackets.
 -- Tennessee Williams
%%
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
 -- Kelvin Throop
%%
If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them, so
of course it kills them. The world breaks everyone and afterward many are
strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills
the very good and the very gentle and the very brave...
 -- Ernest Hemingway, "A Farewell to Arms"
%%
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a
shortage of fishing pole.
 -- Doug Larson
%%
If people destroy something replaceable made my mankind, they are
called vandals.  If they destroy something irreplaceable made by
God, they are called developers.
 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
 -- Curtois' Rule.
%%
If people looked like their passport photos,
very few nations would let them in.
%%
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never
hurt you, nine times out of ten.
%%
If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%%
If people were required to know the law rather than to
obey it, the government would be overthrown the next day.
%%
If people who eat vegetables are called vegetarians,
then shouldn't cannibals be called humanitarians?
%%
If people with amnesia forget they have it, are they cured?
%%
If P is prime, is P' prime prime?
%%
If pi were three, this sentence would look like this
[the o's are hexagons]
%%
If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.
%%
If plugging it in doesn't work, try turning it on.
%%
If pornography helps against sexual frustrations,
 why not give cookery books to the starving?
%%
If power corrupts, weakness in the seat of power, with its constant
necessity of deals and bribes and compromising arrangements,
corrupts even more.
 -- Barbara Tuchman
%%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%%
If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters.
 -- Nora Ephron
%%
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
IF %PRICE%!==LIST! KEEP SHOPPING.
%%
if (pro == !con) progress != congress;
%%
if (program==delivered && installed==true) trash_HD();
%%
If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still
be using autocoder and running compile decks.
 -- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective
%%
If project content is allowed to change freely,
  the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.
 -- Laws of Project Management #5
%%
If projectile vomiting ever becomes an Olympic event, you'll do your country
 proud.
 -- Hobson, Arthur II
%%
if (quackslike() == duck) return(duck);
%%
If quitting in a huff fails, see Rule #1.
 -- Liberal Rule #12
%%
If Q was female, would he be called O?
%%
If "Q" were to be castrated, would he become "O"?
%%
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
%%
If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
 -- Morton's Law
%%
If reading this on a BBS, press [ALT-H] for an IQ test ...
%%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%%
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
%%
If real life were fiction, you couldn't get it published!
%%
ifree: freeing free inode
%%
 If religious books are not widely circulated among the masses in this
 country, I do not know what is going to become of us as a nation.   If
 truth be not diffused, error will be; If God and His Word are not know
 and received, the devil and his works will gain the ascendancy; If the
 evangelical volume does not reach every hamlet, the pages of a corrupt
 and licentious literature will; If the power of the Gospel is not felt
 throughout the length and breadth of the land, anarchy and misrule,
 degradation and misery, corruption and darkness will reign without
 mitigation or end.
 -- Daniel Webster
%%
I frequently have my doubts.
%%
If rich, eat when you please. If poor, eat when you can.
%%
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
 television with pool cues, who would win?
    1) Ricky Schroder
   2) Gary Coleman
   3) The television viewing public
 -- David Letterman
%%
If ridicule were employed to laugh men out of vice and folly, it
might be of some use; but ir is make use of to laugh men out of virtue
and good sense, by attacking everything solemn and serious.
 -- Addison
%%
If "R" is Reverse, how come "D" is FORWARD?
%%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
 Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If Romulans made an android would it be named CD-ROM?
%%
If Ross Perot runs, that's good for us. If he doesn't run, it's good for us.
[a reporter then asked him what he meant by that]
That's for you to figure out.
 -- Vice-President Dan Quayle answering a reporter's question
                    on what the effect might be if Perot re-entered the race.
                    He was campaigning in Rockford, Ill., 9/29/92.
                    The Vice-President later clarified the remark saying that
                    Perot will raise issues about the economy, and this is
                    one of the President's strengths.
                    (reported in the NY Times, 9/30/92)
%%
If Rush Limbaugh comes near me I'll rip his nipples off!
%%
If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.
%%
If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be hell toupee.
%%
If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible
and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience.  But there is a kind
of Gresham's Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the
good.  And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community
ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the
media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful.  Every newspaper
in America has a daily astrology column.  How many have even a weekly
astronomy column?  And I believe it is also the fault of the educational
system.  We do not teach how to think.  This is a very serious failure that
may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human
future.
 -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer,
 -- Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
If scientific discovery has not been an unalloyed blessing, if it has conferred
 on mankind the power not only to create but also to annihilate, it has at the
 same time provided humanity with a supreme challenge and a supreme testing.
 -- John F. Kennedy
%%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic,
we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world.
One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of
the mathematics of probability.
 -- Vannevar Bush
%%
If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!
%%
If seeing is believing, some skeptics wouldn't look.
%%
If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone
wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to
have gone wrong.
 -- The Last Law
%%
If sex involves his body, pregnancy is *his* business, too.
%%
If sex is a pain in the butt, you're doing it wrong.
%%
If SEX isn't meant for fun, why's it feel so good.
%%
If sex is so personal, why are we expected to share it with someone else?
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
books on how to?
 -- Bette Midler
%%
If sex violates his body without consent, it *is* rape.
%%
If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got?
 Practically none.
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
If she can't take the heat, get her out of the oven!
%%
If she doesn't scare ya, no evil thing will...
%%
If she screams......lick it again.
%%
If she seem not chaste to me,
What care I how chaste she be?
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- Poem
%%
If she undervalue me,
What care I how fair she be?
 -- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618)
 -- Poem
%%
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
%%
If she were president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln.
%%
If she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
%%
If shit happens and no one's there does it have a smell
%%
If shit was worth something, poor people would be born without arseholes.
 -- Eddie Murphy, Another 48 Hours
%%
If six turned out to be nine, I don't mind.
 -- Jimi Hendrix
%%
If solid happiness we prize,
Within our breast this jewel lies,
  And they are fools who roam.
The world has nothing to bestow;
From our own selves our joys must flow,
  And that dear hut, our home.
 -- Nathaniel Cotton (1707-1788)
 -- The Fireside, Stanza 3
%%
If somebody tries to explain something to you, and you still don't understand,
that is not your fault.  It is his.
%%
If some child has to be bribed to be good, that child will often take the
 lesson and turn out to be good, for nothing.
%%
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
 -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
%%
If some folks didn't do some things by mistake occasionally, they would
 never get anything right.
%%
If some folks give up wearing glasses, they look better, but they don't see
 as well.
%%
If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and
 incredibly handsome, why does he need to put on a
 batsuit?  Why doesn't he just put on a ski mask
 and kick the crap out of people?
 -- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN
%%
If someone doesn't think it's too much to ask, it probably is.
%%
If someone gives you a lemon, make lemonade...
 -- D. Woodhouse
%%
If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you can be
 sure it will be the right thing nine out of ten times.
 -- Anselm Feuerbach
%%
If someone had told me I would be Pope
 one day, I would have studied harder.
 -- Pope John Paul I
%%
If someone offers you a breath mint, TAKE IT.
%%
If someone says "can't," that shows you what to do.
 -- John Cage (from his father)
%%
If someone sees Bill Clinton, laugh at him for me.
%%
If someone sees Ross Perot, laugh at him for me.
%%
If someone tells you that the fully armored man of the Middle Ages was
so encumbered by his armor that he could not rise if he fell, you may
well ask yourself, first, if it is reasonable to assume that
professional soldiers would go on wearing armor that kept them from
fighting and second, if this theory is in line with what you know of
the heavily armored men of your personal acquaintance.
 -- Niccola Sebastiani
%%
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd
 just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's
 `fashionable'."  But he won't.  And you know why?  Because you can't ask
 someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that.  You have to be
 friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If someone with a rural accent says, "I don't know anything about
politics," zip up your pockets.
 -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
%%
If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium
is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress.
%%
If something goes wrong, it is more important to talk about who is
going to fix it, than who is to blame.
 -- Francis J. Gable
%%
If something is confidential, it will be left in the
photocopier machine.
 -- Connor's Second Law
%%
If something's not worth dying for, it's not worth living for.
%%
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to
Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack
look like Sanka.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
If space is a vacuum, does that mean the Universe sucks?
%%
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
%%
If space is the final frontier, what's TIME?
%%
If space is warped, time is all that's weft
%%
If speed kills, then Windows users may live forever.
%%
If speed scares you, try Micro$oft Windows.
%%
If Starfleet Command had wanted you to have a life, we
would have issued you one
%%
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not
selling advice.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
if (stone != rolling) moss++;
%%
if (stone.rotation < 1) moss.propagation = 0;
%%
IF STOOGE = CURLY THEN Nyuk("Nyuk Nyuk!")
%%
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
 -- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
%%
If stupidity is outlawed, only outlaws will be stupid.
%%
If stupidity was painful, you'd be in agony.
%%
If symptoms persist, consult a specialist.
%%
If tagline persists, consult your physician.
%%
If Taglines dont work use a Billboard!
%%
If that Bard starts singing 100 Bottles of Beer again.
%%
If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
%%
If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's
 hairdo go down?
 -- Robin Williams
%%
If that's art, I'm a Hottentot!
 -- Harry S. Truman
%%
If that's the best you can do, I suggest you leave!
%%
If that which does not kill me makes me stronger,
I must be Arnold Schwarzenegger by now.
%%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
 presumably flunk it.
 -- Stanley Garn
%%
If the airport books are any indication, there are
 at least 450,000 evil Nazi World War II geniuses
 still at large, many of them with atomic laser cannons.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
 -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
%%
If the answer to life, the universe and everything is "42" and the
question is "what is 6 times 9", then God must have 13 fingers.
%%
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
 -- Robert E. Machol
%%
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per
gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
 -- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld
%%
If the average man is made in God's image, then such a man as Beethoven
or Aristotle is plainly superior to God.
%%
If the best things in life are free, than how come there is such a big
 markup on everything else?
%%
If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xv, 14
%%
If the bowl is empty, the cat is full.
%%
If the boys wanna fight you'd better let 'em.
%%
If the bulk of American SF can be said to be written by robots, about
 robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written
 by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits.
 -- Michael Moorcock
%%
If the cats could figure out how to work the can opener, they would
have the locks changed while we were out.
%%
If the cause be just and honorable, they are prepared to give
  their lives.
 -- Picard, "The Defector,"  stardate 43462.5.
%%
   If the check is truly in the mail,
    it is surely made out to someone else.
 -- Armstrong's Collection Law
%%
...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
 this would be a better world.
 -- Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon Days
%%
If the clowns are all in Washington, then who's running the circus?
%%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
 -- Norm Schryer
%%
If the coin is shinny, pick it up.
%%
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The
college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
rally their jaded spirits.  I would have the studies elective.
Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
interest in knowledge.  The wise instructor accomplishes this by
opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
himself.  The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
If the conjecture `You would rather I had not disturbed you by sending you
 this.' is correct, you may add it to the list of uncomfortable truths.
 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%%
If the conniption fits, wear it.
%%
If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement
is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
 -- Arthur H. Boultbee
(This is best applied to the statements of politicians and TV pundits.)
%%
If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck,
he surely meant us to stick it out.
 -- Arthur Koestler
%%
If the critics unanimously take exception to one particular scene it is
 advisable to move that scene to a more conspicuous place in the program.
 -- Noel Coward
%%
If the customers don't want to come, you can't exactly keep them from it.
%%
If the data doesn't fit the theory, fix the data.
%%
If the death sentence were imposed on all parents who failed to bring up
 their children properly, Europe could have a whole new experience coming to
 the frontier, Baltimore, and later move West.
%%
... if the democratic nations fail, their failure must be partly attributed
to the faulty strategy of idealists who have too many illusions when
they face realists who have too little conscience.
 -- Reinhold Niebuhr
%%
If the Democrats were looking for a real expert in domestic affairs, they
 could not find anyone more qualified than Gary Hart.
%%
If the devil doesn't exist, but man created him, he has created him in his own
image.
 -- Dostoyevski
%%
If the doors of perception were cleansed
every thing would appear to man as it is,
infinite.
 -- William Blake, Inspiration for the anme of The Doors
%%
If the dove chooses to fly with the hawks his feathers stay white
but his heart turns black.
%%
If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get
twice as much done.
If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else
would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
If the economy can only get better or worse, why aren't
economists right half the time?
%%
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
 our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
 -- Murphy's laws on sex
%%
If the end be well, all is well.
 -- Gesta Romanorum
 -- Tale lxvii
%%
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
 -- Robert Moses
%%
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #01
%%
If the enterprise dies, say that you saw it coming ages ago.
 -- Jean-Charles Terrassier
%%
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.
 -- Maier's Law
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more
than 50% of the observed measurements must be
discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
 -- Corollaries
%%
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question,
 then its a bureaucracy.
%%
If the GOOD die young,  I wonder why I am still here.
%%
If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't
it dissolve them and elect a new people?
%%
If the government doesn't trust us with our guns, why
should we trust them with theirs?
%%
If the government needs more money, how can they think we need less?
%%
If the government really wanted us to obey the
law, they would tell us what it is.
%%
If the government were in charge of sex, we'd be extinct.
%%
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard,
let him worry about cutting it.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, step back and take
 a deep whiff. It may be that there is a lot more manure loose over there.
 -- Schapiro's Explanation
%%
If the heart of a man is depress'd with cares,
The mist is dispell'd when a woman appears.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- The Beggar's Opera, Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
If the history of England be ever written by one who has the knowledge
and the courage,--and both qualities are equally requisite for the
undertaking,--the world will be more astonished than when reading
the Roman annals by Niebuhr.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Sybil, Book i, Chap. iii
%%
If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be
so simple that we could not.
 -- W. A. Clouston
%%
If the human mind were simple enough to understand,
we'd be too simple to understand it.
 -- Pat Bahn
%%
If the important thing in life is happiness, we need a lot more beer.
%%
If the individual is narrowly concentrated on the goal, to the exclusion of
other relevant aspects of the problem situation, he is often unable to
achieve a solution. The creative thinker must stand sufficiently detached
from his work.
 -- Mary Henle
%%
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input,
 an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
%%
If the jury feels the law is unjust, we recognize the undisputed
power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is contrary to the
law as given by a judge, and contrary to the evidence ... and the
courts must abide by that decision.
 -- US v Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, 1969, 417 F.2d at 1006
%%
If the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.
 -- Roseanne Barr Arnold
%%
If the kids seem to be doing a far better than anticipated business at
 their newly opened lemonade stand, it is reasonable to check to see if your
 vodka is missing.
%%
If the kids today did the same things I did when I was a kid at Halloween,
 it would be reported in the paper as the act of a local terrorist.
%%
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
me!
 -- Ma Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
%%
If the lawmakers make a compromise, the place where
it will be felt the most is the taxpayer's pocket.
 -- Deadlock's Law
%%
If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule
can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage.
As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
If the liberties of the American people are every destroyed,
they will fall by the hands of the Clergy.
 -- General Marquis de Lafayette, 1789
%%
If the limit was 250, there'd be no speeders...
%%
If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies.
 -- Zlatko
%%
If the lower orders do not set us an example,then I really cannot see
 the use of them. As a class they seem morally very irresponsible.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
If the mailmen went on strike, how would we ever know?
%%
If the main aim of playing is not to win, then why keep scores
 -- Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation", televsion show
%%
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have
been wasted.
%%
If The Media is Liberal why is Rush Limbaugh still on the air?
%%
If the meek shall inherit the Earth, what will happen to us Tigers?
 -- Hobbes
%%
If the Message Won't End, Continue It.
%%
If the misery of the poor be caused not by the laws of
nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.
 -- Charles Darwin
%%
If the name is not correct, the words will not ring true.
 -- Confucious
%%
If the nation's economists were laid end to end,
they would point in all directions.
 -- Arthur H. Motley
%%
If the newspapers of a country are filled with good news, the jails
will be filled with good people.
 -- Daniel P. Monynihan
%%
If the obstacles of bigotry and priestcraft can be surmounted,
we may hope that common sense will suffice to do everything else.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
If the odds are a million to one against something
 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
%%
If the people are to be the governors, who then shall be the governed?
 -- Cotton Mather, leader of the Salem Witch-hunts
%%
If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
If the people in a democracy are allowed to do so, they will vote
away the freedoms which are essential to that democracy.
 -- Snell Putney
%%
If the people lead, the leaders will follow.
%%
If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be
patient.  It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his
ear.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
 -- Song title by Jimmy Buffet
%%
If the platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #22
%%
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I
see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by
electricity.
 -- Samuel F. B. Morse
%%
 If the probability of success is not almost one,
 then it is damn near zero.
 -- Fourth Law of Thermodynamics
 -- David Ellis
%%
If the product being advertised is so great, why is it always compared to the
leading brand?
%%
If the programmer can simulate a construct faster then the compiler
can implement the construct itself, then the compiler writer has blown
it badly.
 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., Tartan Laboratories
%%
If the purpose of pornography is to excite sexual desire, it is unnecessary
 for the young, inconvenient for the middle-aged, and unseemly for the old.
 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
%%
 If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky
    that would be like the splendor of the Mighty One... I am become Death,
   the Shatterer of Worlds.
 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
 -- Quoting The Bhagavad Gita,     Alamogordo, New Mexico, 1945
%%
If the rascal have not given me medicines to make me love him, I 'll be hanged.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
%%
If there are no stupid questions, then what sort of questions do stupid
people ask?
 -- Dogbert
%%
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
 -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.7.
%%
If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle
and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just
be the thirteenth clown.
 -- Adam Walinsky
%%
 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
 will pick the wrong one.
 -- Second Law of Business Meetings
 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
 -- Corollary
%%
If there be a hell upon earth it is to be found in a melancholy man's
heart.
 -- Burton
%%
If there be any truer measure of a man than by what he does,
it must be by what he gives.
 -- Robert South
%%
If there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease
it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion
to know one another: I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt.

 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
If there be no nobility of descent, all the more indispensable is
it that there should be nobility of ascent,--a character in them that
bear rule so fine and high and pure that as men come within the circle
of its influence they involuntarily pay homage to that which is the
one pre-eminent distinction, the royalty of virtue.
 -- Bishop Henry C. Potter (1835-1908)
 -- Address at the Washington Centennial Service in St. Paul's Chapel,
 -- New York, April 30, 1889
%%
If there be, or ever were, one such,
It 's past the size of dreaming.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
If there had ever been a time when I could have given my
own life to save her I would have done it....
 -- Avon
%%
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of
ten it will.
 -- Paul Harvey News, 1979
%%
If there is a God, how come he allows Bonnie Langford to exist?
%%
If there is a light at the end of the tunnel,
then it is time to order more tunnel !
%%
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the
mistake will be made.
 -- Edmund C. Berkeley
%%
If there is anything a public servant hates to do
it's something for the public.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
If there is anything better than to be loved it is loving.
 -- Anonymous
%%
If there is anything education does not lack today, it is critics.
 -- Nathan M. Pusey
%%
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a
 conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to
 the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
 -- Bill Vaughan
%%
If there is any way to do it wrong, he will.
 -- Ed Murphy
%%
If there is any way to do it wrong, you will.
%%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
 -- Murphy's Law Corollary  3
%%
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public
or private, will find it.
 -- Parkinson's Fifth Law
%%
If there is a wrong thing to say, one will.
 -- Betty Hartig
%%
If there is a wrong way to do something,
most people will do it every time.
 -- Rudin's Law
%%
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.

 -- Rudin's Law
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
 -- Rudin's Second Law
%%
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
%%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
 -- Art Hoppe
%%
If there is no Moderator, who pops up the next tagline?
%%
If there is no Portuguese word for blarney, there should be.
%%
If there is no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must
exist.
 -- Murray Gell-Martin
%%
If there is no solution, there is no problem.
 -- John Price
%%
If there is no struggle there is no progress
 -- Frederick Douglas
%%
If there is no struggle, there is no progress.
 -- Frederick Douglass
%%
If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  Those who profess to
favor freedom and yet avoid confrontation, are people who want crops
without plowing up the ground; they want rain without thunder and
lightning; they want the ocean without the roar of its waters.
 -- Frederick Douglass (1817-1895)
%%
If there is no wind, row.
 -- Latin Proverb
%%
If there isn't a law, there will be.
 -- Gates' Law
%%
If there isn't a law, there will be.
 -- Harold Faber
%%
If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in
the cigarettes?
 -- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970
%%
If there is one basic element in our Constitution, it is civilian
control of the military.
 -- Harry S. Truman
%%
If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
%%
If there 's a hole in a' your coats,
        I rede ye tent it;
A chiel 's amang ye takin' notes,
        And, faith, he 'll prent it.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- On Captain Grose's Peregrinations through Scotland
%%
If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught
and shot now.
 -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
If there 's delight in love, 't is when I see
That heart which others bleed for, bleed for me.
 -- William Congreve (1670-1729)
 -- The Way of the World, Act iii, Sc. 12
%%
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start
 to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of
 "bag."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
   If there's ever anything I can do for you -- or, more to the point,
to you, don't hesitate to ask.
     *What?*
Which word didn't you understand?
%%
If there's no free lunch, I'll settle for breakfast.
%%
If there's one pitch you keep swinging at and keep missing, stop swinging
 at it.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
%%
If there's so much labor-saving machinery, why don't I
have more free time?
%%
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in
 favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
 They're just not ready.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If there was a nuclear bombing, would I be alive to care?
%%
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived
through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was
finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If there was a wait for Q to show up, would there be a Q-wait?
%%
If there wasn't divorces, where would we get waitresses?
%%
If there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one
would fly first.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), The Celebrated Jumping Frog
%%
If there were more women judges, more women would go to jail!
%%
If there were no clouds, we wouldn't enjoy the sun.
%%
If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him.
 -- Francis M. Voltaire (1694-1778)
 -- Epitre a l'Auteur du Livre des Trois Imposteurs, cxi
%%
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
%%
If there were no other proof of the infinite patience of God with men,
a very good one could be found in His toleration of the pictures
that are painted of Him.
 -- Thomas Merton
%%
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
%%
If there were no such thing as gravity, the earth would fly off into space!
%%
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make
 a wonderful living
 -- Yiddish proverb
%%
If the ship's not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
%%
If the shoe fits, buy it.
 -- Imelda Marcos
%%
If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
%%
If the shoe fits, it's not government issue.
%%
If the shoe fits ... it's the wrong colour.
%%
 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
 -- Gold's Law
%%
If the shoe fits, put it in your mouth.
%%
If The Shoe Fits - The Sock Fits !
%%
If the shoe fits, try wearing it on the other foot;
That's bound to make you feel better.
%%
If the shoe fits, wear it.
%%
If the sight of a beautiful rainbow no longer excites you, than you had
 better prepare to pack it in - you are already dead.
%%
If the situation were reversed, would you not die to avoid capture?
I don't know, I might. If I thought it was necessary, if the stakes
  were high enough, but they'd have to be pretty damn high. I guess
  I'd make a pretty lousy Romulan.
I no more wish to die than you do.
Bochra, there are times when its necessary to die for one's ideals. Do
  you believe this is one of those times?
 -- Bochra and Geordi, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists,
the event will take place; preferably during a demonstration.
 -- Murphy's Law
%%
If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, the
programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
 -- Chris Torek
%%
If the telephone rings today..... water it!
 -- Rev. Thomas, Gnostic N.Y.C. Cabal
%%
If the test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems
will malfunction.
 -- Troutman's Programming Postulate #1
%%
If the thraskin puts his fingers in his ears, it is polite to shout.
 -- Doctor, The Time Monster
%%
If the thread ended in her jeans, should we follow it?
%%
If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible
to know what part of the R&D task will be performed.
%%
If the top of the fridge gets dusted, you know that the guests who are
 coming are very important.
%%
If the trumpet give an uncertain sound.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians xiv, 8
%%
If the truth offends -- too bad.
%%
If the US postal service went email,
how would you get stamps on this stuff?
 -- Crazy Wasserman, 1986 ( or 2 A. I.  for after Internet )
%%
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
 Let's hear it for OSI and X!   With those babies in the wings, we can count on
 being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, paper
 folding, or something.
 -- C. Philip Wood
%%
If the very old die, the very young don't care.
%%
 If the victor had the gods on his side, the vanquished had Cato.
 --       Lucan (Marcus Annaeus Lucanus)   AD 39-65
 --      The Civil War, bk. I, 128
%%
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
 glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of
depression, administer Chinese food immediately
%%
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of
depression, administer chocolate immediately!
%%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance
will exceed all expectations.
 -- Reverend Chichester's Laws
%%
If the wicked flourish, and thou suffer, be not discouraged. They
are fatted for destruction: thou are dieted for health.
 -- Fuller
%%
If the work of God could be comprehended by reason, it would be no
longer wonderful.
%%
If the world is a stage, I have stage fright!
%%
If the world is a test, we must be the bugs.
%%
If the world is my oyster, where is my oyster knife?
%%
If the world like it not, so much the worse for them.
 -- Cowper
%%
If the world spins around, why doesn't home come to us??
%%
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle, not women.
 -- Rita Mae Brown
%%
If the world will be gulled, let it be gulled.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 4, Memb. 1, Subsect. 2
%%
If the writer is considerate of the reader,
he won't have a problem with ambiguous sentences.
%%
If they all thought they were as great as I think I am, everybody'd get
along just fine -- even though they'd all be wrong!
 -- "Bob" Dobbs to a Sunday School class in 1955.
%%
If they call themselves a liberal they are wrong.
 -- Right-wing rule #3
%%
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
 -- Muhammad Ali
%%
If they can now make a whistle only a dog can hear, how come they can't
 make music only a teenager can hear?
%%
If they'd had the Underground in Henry VIII's day
"Tower Hill return, please.  And a single for the wife."
%%
If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains
 start working.
 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
If they don't know what you're doing, they don't know what you're doing wrong.
 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
%%
If they don't like ARJ, they can eat Z..!
%%
If they don't pay ya', SUE THE BASTARDS!!!
%%
If they don't, the lights stay off in Baghdad.
 -- SD Cheney
%%
If they don't want us to drink and drive, we shouldn't
need a driver's license to buy beer.
%%
If they do these things in a green tree, what shall be done in the dry?
 -- New Testament
 -- Luke xxiii, 31
%%
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
 should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If they ever give you a brief ... attack the medical evidence. Remember,
 the jury's full of rheumatism and arthritis and shocking gastric troubles.
 They love to see a medical man put through it.
 -- John Mortimer
%%
If they ever put a price on his head, he should take it.
%%
If they find you in the back seat trying to pick her locks,
 they're gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box.
%%
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
 -- E. E. Cummings
%%
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you
 should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If they knock heads, the implosion will suck all air out of the room.
%%
If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are
not the men you took them for.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
If they mention penguins, be afraid. Be very afraid!
%%
If they only married when they fell in love most people would die unwed.
%%
If they put malt in beer and malt in milk, why not beer in milk?
%%
If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're mistaken!
 -- Homer in "Homer's Odyssey" , from The Simpsons
%%
If they try to rush me, I always say,
"I've only got one other speed--and it's slower."
 -- Glenn Ford
%%
If thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for
in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
 -- New Testament
 -- Romans xii, 20
%%
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
%%
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
 If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
%%
If things are not going well with you, begin your effort at correcting
the situation by carefully examining the service you are rendering,
and especially the spirit in which you are rendering it.
 -- Roger Babson
%%
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
%%
If things improve with age, I'm nearly MAGNIFICENT!
%%
 If things were left to chance,
 they'd be better.
 -- Langin's Law
%%
If this bill [for the admission of Orleans Territory as a State] passes,
it is my deliberate opinion that it is virtually a dissolution of
the Union; that it will free the States from their moral obligation;
and, as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some,
definitely to prepare for a separation,--amicably if they can, violently
if they must.
 -- Josiah Quincy (1772-1864)
 -- Abridged Cong, Debates, Jan. 14, 1811, Vol. iv, p. 327
%%
If this country is worth saving, it's worth saving at a profit.
 -- H. L. Hunt
%%
if (ThisDay() != MyDay) DosSleep(UntilNextday);
%%
If this doesn't work, UPGRADE!
%%
If this fail,
The pillar'd firmament is rottenness,
And earth's base built on stubble.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 597
%%
If this is a battle, then you have already lost.
%%
If this is a free country, why are we paying so much for it?
%%
If this is a joke--I don't get it.
 -- Written on grave
%%
If this is amoebic dysentery, then where's my lemonade?
%%
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
%%
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please
 bring me some coffee.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
If this is dying, I don't think much of it.
 -- Lytton Strachey (attrib.), 1932
%%
If this is heaven, why am I bored out of my skull?
%%
If This Is Hell - Where Are the Lawyers???
%%
If this isn't war, why is CNN massing on the border?
%%
If this is only a hobby..then why I am getting paid!!
%%
If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawn mower.
%%
If this is Quarqsday, THIS must be Earth!
%%
If this is supposed to be a kinder and gentler nation, how come my tax
 refund isn't any bigger than last year. By the way, what ever happened to
 five cent gum?
%%
If this is time-sharing, give me my share right now.  It's not time yet.
%%
If this is time, then we've got some to waste!
%%
If this is to be the winter of our discontent, then I expect I'll need a
 new coat of some kind.
 -- H. Martin
%%
If this is your first visit to the USSR,
 you are welcome to it.
 -- On the door of a Moscow hotel room
%%
If this material is offensive to you, and admittedly it will be offensive
 to someone, than you should take time out to contemplate this truth.
 Seriousness is the refuge of the truly shallow!
%%
If this message goes into the void, call me!
%%
If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
If this tagline is funny, it came from the Bulletin Board.
%%
If this tagline served beer. Wouldn't that be great!
%%
If this thing's so foolproof, why won't it work for me?
%%
If this was a real emergency, you'd've been trampled.
%%
If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable
fiction.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood.
%%
 If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to
 the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
 name and number...
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
If this were the Soviet Union you'd be reading this in Russian.
%%
If thou art a master, be sometimes blind; if a servant, sometimes deaf.
 -- Fuller
%%
If thou faint in the day of adversity thy strength is small.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxiv, 10
%%
If thou hast a loitering servant, send him of thy errand just before
his dinner.
 -- Fuller
%%
If thou injurest conscience, it will have its revenge on thee.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
If thou shouldst lay up even a little upon a little, and shouldst
do this often, soon would even this become great.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 360
%%
If thou would'st have me sing and play
  As once I play'd and sung,
First take this time-worn lute away,
  And bring one freshly strung.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- If Thou would 'st have Me sing and play
%%
If three people say you are an ass, put on a bridle.
%%
If thy brother offend thee, pluck out his eye.
%%
If thy right brain offend thee, cut it out.
%%
If time heals all wounds, as you grow older, you'll get better.
%%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%%
If time heals all wounds, most people should not require going all the way
 in to see the doctor. Just a wait in the waiting room should be enough.
%%
If Time is infinite, then why do I never have enough?
%%
If time is money then my watch is slow
%%
If time is money, we are all living beyond our means.
%%
If time stopped, would we notice it?
%%
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
 -- Croll's Query
%%
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell
was yesterday?
%%
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in!
%%
If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably
be twice as good as yesterday was.
 -- Augustine's Law Number II
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
"If today you can take a thing like evolution and make it a crime to teach in
 the public schools, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the
 private schools and next year you can make it a crime to teach it to the
 hustings or in the church.  At the next session you may ban books and the
 newspapers... Ignorance and fanaticism are ever busy and need feeding.
 Always feeding and gloating for more. Today it is the public school teachers;
 tomorrow the private. The next day the preachers and the lecturers, the
 magazines, the books, the newspapers. After a while, Your Honor, it is the
 setting of man against man and creed against creed until with flying banners
 and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious ages of the
 sixteenth century when bigots lighted faggots to burn the men who dared to
 bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind."
 -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938), at the Scopes Monkey Trial

"The net effect of Clarence Darrow's great speech yesterday seemed to be
 precisely the same as if he had bawled it up a rainspout in the interior
 of Afghanistan."
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had
been churches, and poor men's cottages princes' palaces. It is a good
divine that follows his own instructions; I can easier teach twenty
what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to follow mine
own teaching.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
If to her share some female errors fall,
Look on her face, and you 'll forget them all.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Rape of the Lock, Canto ii, Line 17
%%
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
 We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides.
 -- Old Yiddish proverb
%%
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
%%
If trying to control someone else's addiction is
codependency, then what's the war on drugs?
%%
If turkeys could fly Congress would be an airport...!
%%
If turning it on doesn't help, plug it in.
%%
IF TVShow$ = "Rush Limbaugh" THEN CALL ChangeChannel
%%
If two apples make a pair, how come two ferrets make a full house
%%
If two lives join, there is oft a scar.
  They are one and one, with a shadowy third;
One near one is too far.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- By the Fireside, xlvi
%%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the
thinking.
 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
 -- The Nixon principle
%%
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of
fighting a foreign enemy.
 -- James Madison
%%
if u cn rd ths u 2 cn thnk up shrt clvr tglns
%%
If u cn rd ths u shld sy no 2 drgs !
%%
If ugly was labor, you'd be a long day's work.
%%
I fully expect that our customers' grandchildren will be buying Apple
products. - Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio
%%
IF(UNDERSTAND .EQ. .TRUE.)
  THEN
  FORTPROGJOB=POSSIBLE
ENDIF
%%
If undertakers were nationalized than everyone could have a state funeral
 at the taxpayer's expense.
%%
If UNIX is a computer system, then a pile of bricks is a house.
%%
If Unix is so damn useful, why is "no" in /usr/dict/words, but "yes" isn't?
%%
IF (User-Docs) = 1 THEN;(CALL(TechSupport))
%%
iF ut wErks tHis gOodD DoOnt mAek iT weRse!
%%
If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
%%
If variety = Spice/Life. Make mine milk.
%%
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
%%
If Version 1.0 works someone goofed...
%%
if (version==X.0) wait_for(X+0.1);
%%
If voting actually changed anything it'd be made illegal.
%%
If voting could change the system it would be illegal.  If not voting
could change the system it would be illegal.
 -- Schroedinger's Cat
%%
If voting should change anything, there would be a law against it.
%%
If water derives lucidity from stillness, how much more the faculties of
the mind!  The mind of the sage, being in repose, becomes the mirror of
the universe, the speculum of all creation.
 -- Chuang Tzu
%%
If we abide by the principles taught by the Bible, our country will go on
prospering.
 -- Daniel Webster
%%
If we applied government standards for determining the amount of salt in food
to the question of how much matter there is in the universe, we would conclude
that the universe is matter-free.
 -- Kolak & Martin, Wisdom without Answers
%%
If we are going to stick to this damned quantum-jumping, then I regret
that I ever had anything to do with quantum theory.
 -- Erwin Schrodinger
%%
If we are not stupid or insincere when we say that the good or ill
of man lies within his own will, and that all beside is nothing to
us, why are we still troubled?
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xxv
%%
If we are still here to witness the destruction of our
planet some five billion years or more hence, then we will
have achieved something so unprecedented in the history of
life that we should be willing to sing our swansong with joy--
*sic transit gloria mundi*.
 -- Stephen Jay Gould
%%
If we are to begin packaging ourselves as boxes of cereal, Democracy
will die...
for you could not win the presidency without proving unworthy of   the job.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
"If we are to survive, this nation must end its love affair with guns."
 -- U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno.
If we are to survive, this nation must end its love affair with big brother
government and individuals must relearn what it means to be free.
 -- Jeff Chan, [e-mail]
%%
If we are what we eat, I'm gonna throw myself up.
%%
If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities...
%%
If we can build a space shuttle, why can't we build a
decent mattress handle?
%%
If we cannot learn from our mistakes, we just rename them; "Success".
 -- Jon Loux
%%
If we cannot live so as to be happy, let us at least live so as to deserve it.
 -- Immanuel Hermass von Fichte
%%
"If we cannot now end our differences, at least we
 can help make the world safe for diversity."
 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
If we can provide an alternative to MicroSoft,
it will have been a greater good.
 -- Steve Jobs, sometime in the past
%%
If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put all of the women there?
%%
If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave!
 -- Dr. Frazier Crane, Cheers
%%
If we can send a man to the moon - why not Bill Clinton?
%%
If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?
%%
 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
 -- Maintainer's Motto
%%
If we can't fix it - it's broken!
%%
If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can.
 -- B. Gibbons
%%
If we cared as much about saving males as saving whales....
%%
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
 -- Jimmy Buffet
%%
If we could pool our Group Dynamics...
%%
 If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each
 man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.
 -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd
all be millionaires.
 -- Abigail Van Buren
%%
If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because
we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.
%%
If we did not take great pains, and were not at great expense to
corrupt our nature, our nature would never corrupt us.
 -- Lord Clarendon
%%
If we die, we want people to accept it.   We're in a risky business...
 The conquest of space is worth the risk of life.
 -- Gus Grissom
%%
If we do not permit the earth to produce beauty and joy,
it will not produce food either.
 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90
 -- (reported in Esquire, 8/92), also reported by Reuters, 5/2/90
%%
If we don't change our direction we're likely to end up where we're headed.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
"If we don't change, we don't grow.  If we don't
 grow, we are not really living.  Growth demands a
 temporary surrender of security."
 -- Gail Sheehy
%%
If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.
%%
If we don't know life, how can we know death?
 -- Confucius
%%
If we don't raise 8 million dollars, God is going to kill us.
%%
If we don't stand together, we stand to lose the future
%%
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
 -- John Sinclair
%%
If we fail to draw the line in Vietnam we may find ourselves compelled to
 draw a defense line as far back as Seattle and Alaska, with Hawaii as a
 solitary outpost in mid-Pacific.
 -- Senator Thomas J. Dodd, February 23, 1965
%%
If we fail to make non-violent action a real, viable, obviously strong
 possibility   . . . then I think we're going to drift into guerrilla warfare.
 -- John Cavanaugh-O'Keefe, Director, Prolife Nonviolent Action Project,
    National Catholic Register, 1/4/87, about abortion clinic violence, as
     quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood
     pamphlet
%%
If we fight a war and win it with H-bombs, what history will remember
is not the ideals we were fighting for but the methods we used to
accomplish them.  These methods will be compared to the warfare of
Genghis Khan who ruthlessly killed every last inhabitant of Persia.
 -- Hans A. Bethe
%%
If we follow the advice of these people, we might as well
go back into the cave.
 -- Hans Bethe
%%
If we go into Bosnia, does Clinton flee to England again?
%%
If we go into Haiti, does Clinton flee to England again?
%%
If we had an index file, we could look it
 up in the index file under "Index File".
%%
If we had God booked and O.J. was available, we'd move God.
 -- Larry King
%%
If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs (if we had eggs).
%%
If we had no defects ourselves, we should not take so much pleasure
in noting those of others.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
If we have a crime epidemic, let's quarantine criminals.
%%
If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
 -- Hill's Third Commentary on Murphy's Law
%%
If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
 -- Hill's Second Commentary on Murphy's Law
%%
If we honor the rights of gays then everyone else will want rights too!
%%
If we in business cannot put the brakes on this creeping socialism,
the free enterprise system will become a thing of the past.
 -- Barton A, Cummings
%%
"If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height
as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that
the penguin's brain is still smaller.  But, and this is the point,
it is larger than it _was_."
 -- Monty Python
%%
If we keep doing what we're doing, we're going to keep getting what
we're getting.
 -- Stephen Covey, First Things First
%%
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research,
would it?
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If we left the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy.
%%
If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.
 -- Hill's First Commentary on Murphy's Law
%%
"If we pay dogfood salespeople more than we do teachers, we should not
 be surprised if our dogs eat like kids, and our kids end up reading
 like dogs."
 -- MR KR COMAN [e-mail]
%%
If we really understand the problem, the answer will come out of it, because
the answer is not separate from the problem.
 -- Krishnamurti
%%
If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
%%
If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind.
 -- J-L Gassee
%%
If we're so smart and so creative, why aren't we
happier than they are?
%%
    If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school
metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, "Does it contain any
abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number?" No.  "Does
it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of
fact and existence?" No.  Commit it then to the flames: for it
can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion.
 -- David Hume
%%
If we take matrimony at its lowest, We regard it as a sort of friendship
 recognised by the police.
%%
If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy now, would it?
%%
If we understood what we were doing it wouldn't be research.
 -- Sign at Institute Laue-Langevin (Grenoble)
%%
If we want to learn anything, we mustn't try to learn everything.
 -- The Lump Law
%%
If we want to take the westerly winds into account, we could also do that
using this method, but then we'd have to take the westerly winds into
account.
%%
If we were all determined to play the first violin we should never have a
 full ensemble. Therefore respect every musician in his proper place.
 -- Robert Schumann
%%
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
%%
If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane.
%%
If whales are so damned clever why do they keep swimming near Japan?
%%
If what Proust says is true, that happiness is the absence of fever,
then I will never know happiness.  For I am possessed by a fever for
knowledge, experience, and creation.
 -- Anais Nin
%%
If what the philosophers say be true,--that all men's actions proceed
from one source; that as they assent from a persuasion that a thing
is so, and dissent from a persuasion that it is not, and suspend their
judgment from a persuasion that it is uncertain,--so likewise they
seek a thing from a persuasion that it is for their advantage.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xviii
%%
If what we see is somewhat doubtful, how can we believe what is spoken
 behind our back?
%%
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
%%
If what you have just said can be interpreted in a variety of ways, that
 way which will cause the most confusion to the greatest number of people
 for the longest time and result in lasting harm and distress will
 predominate and better endure, and overcome any form of correction far more
 than any other.
%%
If, when completion of a design is imminent, field
dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -
instead of as they were meant to be - it is always simpler
to start all over.
 -- Third Law of Revision
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences - if you have none, someone will make one for you.
 -- Corollary
%%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
 -- Marguerite Emmons
%%
If (Wife = "yes") then (MONEY = "Gone") else Single
%%
If Windows is User-Friendly, why do you need to read a 678-page manual?
%%
If Windows sucked it would be good for something.
%%
If winning is not important, then Commander, why keep score?
 -- Worf "11001001," stardate 41365.9.
%%
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
 -- Vince Lombardi
%%
If wishes were fishes we'd all be in stitches.
%%
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
 -- Scottish Proverb
%%
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
%%
If Wishes Were Horses I'd Be Slip-Sliding All Day!
%%
If women call you a Jock, can you call them a napkin?
%%
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
 -- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
%%
If women weren't so stupid, they wouldn't have to be beautiful.
%%
If words could speak, I wonder what they'd say.
%%
If working is so fucking healthy, let the sick do it!
%%
If worms carried 45's, what would the early bird do??
%%
If worms were dogs the ground would bark.
%%
If worst comes to worst, you *CAN* turn most things off.
%%
If writers were bakers, this sentence would be exactly a
dozen words long.
 -- Douglas R Hofstadter
%%
If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.
 -- Irvin S. Cobb
%%
If X is equal to the spirit of humanity, then the combination of
 the two must be of double power.  Therefore, the spirit of humanity always
 contains the power to dominate itself.
 -- Michael Moorcock
%%
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
%%
If ya can't feed em', don't breed em'!!!
%%
If Ya Snooze Ya Looze...
%%
If Yassir Arafat isn't careful, he can make a reputation for himself as a
 peace monger.
%%
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude
better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace.
We ask not your councels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands
which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity
forget that ye were our countrymen.
 -- Samuel Adams
%%
If yet not lost to all the sense of shame.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book vi, Line 350
%%
If you accept the necessity for freedom of expression, it follows
that in an intellectual controversy any attempt to coerce rather
than to persuade ... is not merely an offense against the person
so coerced, but an erosion of the mechanics which make free expression
work, and therefore make it possible.
 -- Micheal Kinsley
%%
If you achieve success, you will get applause. Enjoy it--but never quite
 believe it.
 -- Robert Montgomery
%%
If you act enthusiastic, you'll be enthusiastic!
%%
If you actually look like your passport photo, you
aren't well enough to travel.
 -- Fuch's warning
%%
If you aim to please nobody it is highly probable that you will achieve
 some sort of award for the attainment of your goal.
%%
If you ain't got it then you ain't communicatin'.
%%
If you ain't makin' waves you ain't kickin' hard enough!
%%
If you ain't Moslem, you ain't Shiite.
%%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
Quit work and play for once.
%%
If you anticipate bus delays by leaving your house thirty minutes
early, your bus will arrive as soon as you reach the bus stop or
when you light up a cigarette, whichever comes first.
 -- John Corcoran
%%
 If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
 weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we
 probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
%%
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
 -- Chekhov
%%
If you are a monkey's uncle, where is your nephew/niece?
%%
If you are a normal person, you doubtless sometimes worry about things that
 might happen and fortunately do not. A neurotic person worries about things
 that did not happen and wonders why.
%%
If you are a skunk, you learn to hold your breath for a long time!
 -- Pepe the Skunk
%%
If you are a terror to many people, than you must beware of at least that
 many and lots more. For you will find that the underdog has friends and
 these tend to multiply.
%%
If you are a worm, sleep late!
%%
If you are a young director, or wish to be, the number one thing you've got
 to have is a screenplay. You can't win your millions on the roulette table
 unless you've got a chip to put on the numbers--and your chip in the film
 business is a script.
 -- Michael Winner
%%
If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are
 probably hallucinating.
 -- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%%
If you are brave too often, people will come to expect it of you.
 -- Mignon McLaughlin
%%
If you are called upon to give a talk in public, there is a way to make
 sure it will be a success. Have a good beginning and an excellent ending,
 and keep the two as close together as possible.
%%
If you are concerned about being criticized, you're in the wrong job. However
you vote, and whatever you do, somebody will be out there telling you that you
are: (a) wrong, (b) insensitive, (c) a bleeding heart, (d) a pawn of somebody
else, (e) too wishy-washy, (f) too unwilling to compromise, (g) all of the
above. Consistency is not required of critics.
 -- Pierre S. du Pont
%%
If you are crosseyed and dyslexic, can you see OK?
%%
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due
to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it; and this
you have the power to revoke at any moment.
 -- Marcus Aurelius
%%
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what
 happens?
%%
If you are ever caught in a thunderstorm while playing golf, the best way
to keep from being struck by lightening is to pull out a 9-iron and hold it
above your head, because not even God can hit a 9-iron.
%%
If you are ever in an S&M relationship, make damn sure you are the S.
 -- Someone's mother to them
%%
If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl,
 always give her the benefit of the doubt.
%%
If you are fond of hunting, there's no place that can compare--
 you may not bag a lion or a tiger or a bear--
 but if you want a jackass there are plenty of them there--
 Go West, young man!
 -- Harry Ruby
%%
If you are given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the
money.  As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.
 -- Katherine Hepburn, 87-year-old actress.
%%
If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal and a definite amount
of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion
of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
%%
  If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

 -- Fifth Law of Applied Terror
  If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
 -- Corollary
%%
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
 -- Brintnall's Second Law
%%
"If you are going to have doctors you had better have doctors well off; just as
if you are going to have a landlord you had better have a rich landlord.
Taking all the rounds of professions and occupations, you will find that every
man is the worse for being poor; and the doctor is a specially dangerous man
when poor."
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Socialist Criticism
 -- of the Medical Profession"
%%
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you,
 down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it
 up.
 -- Tommy Bolt
%%
If you are going to throw your weight around, you ought first to join an
 aerobics class, so you get something from your effort.
%%
If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
%%
If you are human, which I seriously doubt, you will have to work hard to
  earn our trust.
I'm not worried about that Jean-Luc. You only dislike me, there are others
  in the cosmos who truly despise me.
 -- Picard and Q, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
If you are in command and do it wisely, your subjects will obey you with
 good cheer. There is nothing more a fine gift than the ability to guide
 others in a peaceful way while all enjoy the excursion.
%%
If you are not an idealist by the time you are twenty you have no heart,
but if you are still an idealist by the time you are thirty, you don't have
a head.
 -- Randolph Bourne
%%
If you are not the lead dog, the view is always the same.
%%
If you are not the poet, perhaps you can be the poem.
%%
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you'll be fired with enthusiasm.
 -- Vince Lombardi
%%
If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?
%%
If you aren't open minded, you aren't trying.
 -- DFL
%%
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
 -- Celine
%%
If you are one in a million, there are 8 of you in New York City.
%%
If you are out of trouble, watch for danger.
 -- Sophocles
%%
If you are out to describe the truth,
leave elegance to the tailor.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
If you are really brave, trying writing a check to the IRS when you don't
 have money in your account at the bank.
%%
If you are rude to your ex-husband's new wife at your daughter's wedding,
 you will make her feel smug. Comfortable. If you are charming and polite,
 you will make her feel uncomfortable. Which do you want to do?
 -- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
%%
If you are searching for yourself. Find a mirror first!
%%
'If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.'
 -- Oliver's law of assumed responsibility
%%
If you are sitting, just sit.  If you are walking, just walk.  Above all,
don't wobble.
%%
If you are smart enough to fill out the application correctly and without
 any words spelled incorrectly, it is very likely that you are overqualified
 for the position and therefore ineligible for it.
%%
If you are stopped by a Highway Patrol Officer and have nothing in mind for
 the next several months, try saying to the Officer "Gee, you are really
 ugly!"

 If that doesn't get you somewhere, try the following. "Gee, you've got fat
 earlobes, and I've always heard that fat earlobes are a sign of stupidity."
%%
If you are sure what you do will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't
like it.
 -- Chisholm, Third Law, Corollary 2
%%
If you are the first to know
about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for
acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
 -- Crenna's Law of Political Accountability
%%
If you are the shopkeeper you can take things for free.
%%
If you are thin don't eat fast. If you are fat don't eat. Fast.
%%
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
%%
If you are too cute some monsters might be tempted to embrace you.
%%
If you are to understand others, and have them understand you, know
the big words but use the small ones.
%%
If you are wearing one brown and one black shoe,
you have a pair like it somewhere in the closet.
 -- The Rule of Elderly Survival
%%
If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning.
%%
If you are what you eat, then I'm dead meat.
 -- Timbuk3
%%
If you are willing to die, you can do anything!
%%
If you are wise, be wise; keep what goods the gods provide you.
 -- Plautus (254-184 BC)
 -- Rudens, Act iv, Sc. 7, 3, (1229
%%
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow
 your mind, make you fat--in other words, turn you into an adult. Also, if
 you want to get one of those great red beefy, impressive-looking faces that
 politicians and corporation presidents have, you had better start drinking
 early and stick with it.
 -- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%%
If you ask your mother for one egg for breakfast, and she gives you two,
but you eat them both, who is better at arithmetic: you or your mother?
%%
If you attack Stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with friends
in government and every walk of public life.
 -- Robertson Davies
%%
If you begin the day with love in your heart, peace in your nerves,
and truth in your mind, you not only benefit by their presence but
also bring them to others, to your family and friends, and to all
those whose destiny draws across your path that day.
%%
If you believed that, I've got an autographed copy of the Bible for sale!
%%
If you believe everything you read, better not read.
 -- Japanese proverb
%%
If you believe everything you read, it would be better for you to have been
 born perpetually illiterate.
%%
If you believe I am all-powerful, then you cannot hurt me. If, however,
  I am telling the truth - and I - am a mortal - you will kill me. But if
  the only proof you will believe is my death, then shoot.
 -- Picard to Liko, "Who Watches the Watchers, stardate 43173.5
%%
If you believe in gambling, in the end you will sell your spouse.
%%
If you believe that discrimination exists, it will.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
If you believe THAT, I have a BRIDGE for sale...
%%
If you believe that talk is cheap, try getting into an argument with a
 traffic patrol person. This will straighten out your thinking and flatten
 your wallet.
%%
If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours.
 If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.
 -- Wayne
%%
If you bow at all, bow low.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
 -- Joey Adams
%%
If you break a cup or plate, it will not be the one that was already
chipped or cracked.
 -- Denys Parsons
%%
If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into
     quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #16
%%
If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you
do well matters very much.
 -- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
%%
If you call a tail a leg, how many legs has a dog? Five? No, four.
Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
If you call some animals pets, how
 can you call other animals dinner?
%%
If you can actually count your money
then you are not really a rich man.
 -- Paul Getty
%%
If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
 -- Augustine's Law Number IV
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
 _____________________________________
|                                     |
| If you can beat me, you can eat me. |
|_____________________________________|
 -- Seen on the back of a 911 driven by a blonde
%%
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast,
 then you should join:
 The Church of Counterfactual Belief
 The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
 don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In
 addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
 following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
 that there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come.
 that pi equals precisely 3.000.
 that sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
 that Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle.
 that Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
 that pi equals precisely 22/7.
 Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
 studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
 done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
 of a forthcoming Papal Bull...
%%
If you can bring about systematic confusion out of real chaos, you have all
 the qualifications necessary for an organizer.
%%
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
 -- J. Paul Getty
%%
If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice,
then you don't need advice.
 -- Van Roy's Second Law
%%
If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man
in a kingdom of the blind.
 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%%
If you can do it the hard way, it's worth doing it the easy way.
 -- The SpamPope
%%
If you can do joined up, real writing, you too can be a union leader.
%%
If you can dream it, you can do it.
 -- Walt Disney, film producer
%%
If you can endure criticism without being resentful, heaven is assured.
%%
If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
 -- Mo Udall
%%
If you can get access to the victim's key chain is to switch all
his keys for keys that look exactly the same, but don't fit the locks
he's trying to open. If you can be around for this one, it's much more
fun to watch the person go crazy as he cannot open anything he owns.
%%
If you can get others to believe your crap, you will be successful, but if you
believe it yourself you are in trouble.
%%
If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be Enthusiasm.
 -- Bruce Barton
%%
If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others.
 -- the Dalai Lama
%%
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you can dream it, you can become it.
 -- William Arthur Ward
%%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
obviously you must be the headsman.
%%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
then you just don't understand the problem.
 -- Evans' Law
%%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
you'll be the tallest person in the room.
%%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
you must be at least a foot shorter than them.
%%
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs,
 consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
%%
If you can kill a snake with it, it ain't art.
%%
If you can look into the seeds of time,
And say which grain will grow and which will not.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
If you cannot be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
%%
If you cannot catch a bird of paradise, better take a wet hen.
 -- Nikita Khrushchev
%%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them
 -- Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
%%
If you cannot find happiness along the way, you will not find it at the end of
the trail.
%%
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with
love of herself- all that runs over the brim will be yours.
 -- Colton
%%
If you can not say something far better than silence, than have the common
 good sense to let silence have the day.
%%
If you cannot see this, leave me E-Mail.
%%
If you cannot stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
%%
If you can persuade your customer to tattoo your name on their chest, they
 probably will not switch brands.
 -- an Indiana University professor, re: Harley-Davidson owners
%%
If you can pick it up or drink it in one sitting, take it.
 -- James Srodes
%%
If you can read this, I'm still not in your Twit List.
%%
If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.
%%
If you can read this tagline, it is already too late....
%%
If you can read this, thank a computer technoweenie.
%%
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
%%
If you can read this you have a modem.
%%
If you can read this, you're in range.
%%
If you can read this, you're irrelevant.
 Borg
%%
If you can read this you're not from here.
 -- Bumper sticker in Arkansas
%%
IFYOUCANREADTHISYOU'REOBVIOUSLYTOOCLOSETOME.
%%
If you can read this, you're too close; get off my grave, idiot!
 -- Written on grave
%%
ifyoucanreadthisyourspecksarebetterthanmine.
%%
ifyoucanreadthisyouspendfartoomuchtimereadingtaglines.
%%
Ifyoucanreadthisyouspendtoomuchtimefiguringouttaglines.
%%
If you can remember the 60's you weren't there.
%%
"If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it."
 -- My father (a doctor)
%%
If you can see in a given situation only what everybody else can see,
you can be said to be so much a representative of your culture
 that you are a victim of it.
 -- S.I. Hayakawa, educator and politician
%%
If you can see it and it's there, then it's real.
If you can see it and it's not there, then it's virtual.
If you can't see it and it's there, then it's transparent.
If you can't see it and it's not there, then you erased it.
 -- An IBM ad
%%
If you can set the rules, you can win the game.
 -- John McCormack
%%
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless
manner, you have learned how to live.
 -- Lin Yutang
%%
If you can stand the aggravation of trying to get the kids to go out and
 shovel the snow, your heart is in good enough condition to go out and do it
 yourself.
%%
If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!
%%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%%
If you can't agree, then agree to disagree.
%%
If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.
 -- Kingsley Amis
%%
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is
not lost; you can still call him vile names.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
 -- Catherine Aird
%%
If you can't beat 'em, ban 'em.
 -- Liberal Press Motto
%%
If you can't beat 'em, infiltrate and destroy them from within.
%%
If you can't beat em', mod em'.
%%
If you can't beat them, have them join you.
 -- Charles Wolf, Jr.
%%
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
%%
If you can't be famous, try infamous.
%%
If you can't be funny, be interesting.
 -- Harold Ross
%%
If you can't be good, be careful.
%%
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
%%
If you can't be good, belittle.
%%
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
%%
If you can't be right, at least be careful.
%%
If you can't be vegetarian, then eat one.
%%
If you can't be weird, why be?
%%
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
%%
If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.
%%
If you can't boil water, you can't grow zucchini.
%%
If you can't carry your own precinct you're in trouble.
 -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
If you can't change your opinion, you have already been the customer of a
 funeral home, or you are the most obstinate person ever to walk the face of
 the earth.
%%
If you can't create it--respect it.
%%
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
%%
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
 -- David Bedno ([e-mail])
%%
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then befuddle them with BS!
%%
If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me.
 -- Scott Legrand ([e-mail])

You may be wrong here, little one.
 -- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)
%%
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
%%
If you can't deliver the pie in the sky you promised, you'd better redefine
 the pie.
 -- Paul A. Samuelson
%%
If you can't do anything about it, than have the sense not to. If you can
 do something about it, perhaps it is time to step back and reevaluate your
 own potential in a less flattering light.
%%
If you can't do anything about something, pretend it doesn't exist.
%%
If you can't document it, it isn't true.
%%
If you can't do it the easy way, it's not worth doing it the hard way.
 -- The SpamPope
%%
If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?
%%
If you can't drink a lobbyist's whiskey, take his money, sleep with his women
 and still vote against him in the morning, you don't belong in politics.
 -- Speaker of the California Assembly Jesse Unruh
%%
If you can't elucidate, obfuscate.
%%
If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.
%%
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
 -- Mother Teresa
%%
If you can't fight and you can't flee...FLOW
%%
If you can't fight 'em, and they won't let you join 'em, best get out of
 the country.
 -- "Pappy" Maverick (in Maverick)
%%
If you can't fight, you ain't right.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
%%
If you can't find your inspiration by walking around the block one time, go
 around two blocks--but never three.
 -- Robert Motherwell
%%
If you can't fix it, feature it.
 -- LAST Law of PRODUCT DESIGN
%%
If you can't get a job, get a senate appointment!!!
%%
If you can't go first class, charge it.
%%
If you can't hack it, then pick up your marbles and go home.
%%
If you can't have fun with 389ft.lbs of torque, you can't have fun.
%%
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If you can't join them...
sure as hell you've got to beat them.
%%
If you can't keep up, drag them down to your level.
 -- Laurence J. Peter
%%
If you can't keep up, take notes!
%%
If you can't laugh at yourself ... I'll do it for you.
%%
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll laugh at you.
%%
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
 -- Bobby Slayton
%%
If you can't laugh at yourself, you're missing the joke.
%%
If you can't learn how to do it well learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.
 -- Brilliant's Law of Limited Ambition
%%
If you can't lick 'em---bite 'em!
%%
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
%%
If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything.
 -- Collins's Law
%%
 If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything.
 -- Collins's Law
 1. Everybody who matters is stupid now and then.
 2. If I'm being stupid, that's my problem.
 3. If my being stupid makes you stupid, that's your problem.
 4. If you think you're never stupid, boy are you stupid!
 -- Corollaries ("Rabinovitch's Rules of Sane Dialogue")
%%
If you can't make both ends meat, make one end vegetable.
%%
If you can't make it big, make it good.
%%
If you can't make it good, make it big.
%%
If you can't make it good, make it big, ...like Windows!
%%
If you can't make it good, make it expensive.
%%
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good.
 -- Bill Gates
%%
If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.
%%
If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.
 -- Lawrence J. Peter
%%
If you can't plan ahead, plan afoot.
%%
If you can't raise the bridge, lower the river.
%%
If you cant read this, then plug the computer back in.
%%
If you can't read this, try with a modem!
%%
If you can't remember it, it couldn't have been important.
 -- Larry Groebe
%%
If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #10
%%
If you can't return a favor, pass it on.
 -- A. Louise Brown
%%
If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch!
%%
If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
%%
If you can't say it in 50 characters, then don't b
%%
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.
%%
If you can't say something nice, you're probably at the icecapades.
%%
If you can't see the bottom, wade not, for you may be in far too much
 before you know it.
%%
If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side.
%%
If you can't see the fnords, they can't eat you.
%%
If you can't solve the problems of the world with
chocolate chip cookies, then how can you solve them?
%%
If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.
%%
If you can't stand the heat, get back to the kitchen.
%%
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.
%%
If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
 -- Harry S. Truman
%%
If you can't stay healthy, find a sickness you like.
%%
If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't be one.
%%
If you can't take a little bloody nose, maybe you had better go back
  home and crawl under your bed.
 -- Q to Picard, "Q-Who?", stardate 42761.3
%%
If you can't tell a fib, make it a BIG lie.
%%
If you can't tell the difference, there is no difference.
%%
If you can't tie good knots... tie many.
%%
If you can't trust a woman with a choice, how can you
trust her with a baby?
%%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
%%
If you can't understand it, name it.
 -- Taber's Law of Scientific Research
%%
If you can't win, at least make the person ahead of you break the record.
%%
If you can't write 'em, steal 'em
%%
If you can't write it right, you can't think it right.
%%
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its
 laws.   Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people
 most of the time.
 -- George Gerbner
%%
If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.
%%
If you chance to think of yourself as some sort of expert on the subject of
 women, than perhaps you are the one to whom I should come with this
 question: How come women will wear a wig over a full head of hair?
%%
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
 -- Women vs. Beer
%%
If you chase two rubbits, both will escape.
%%
If you cheat a game, what is the point??
%%
If you cheat, you'll eventually punish yourself.
%%
If you choke a smurf, what colour does he turn?
%%
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
 -- Rush, "Freewill"
%%
If you choose not to live in a cluster, uh, dorm...
 -- Jim Zelenka
%%
If you choose to represent the various parts in life by holes upon
a table, of different shapes,--some circular, some triangular, some
square, some oblong,--and the persons acting these parts by bits of
wood of similar shapes, we shall generally find that the triangular
person has got into the square hole, the oblong into the triangular,
and a square person has squeezed himself into the round hole. The
officer and the office, the doer and the thing done, seldom fit so
exactly that we can say they were almost made for each other.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Sketches of Moral Philosophy
%%
If you chose to dance with a bear, don't stop when you get tired.
 -- Old Russian Proverb
%%
If you close your eyes, You won't see them dying
 -- Eric Bogle
%%
If you collect the chronically stupefied and encourage them toward
 collective bewilderment, and then ask them to formulate a statement, you
 have the basic elements of a very productive committee.
%%
If you come any closer introduce yourself!
%%
If you come home and he's using your diaphragm for an ashtray, it's over.
 -- Carol Siskind
%%
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
If you consult enough experts you can confirm any opinion.
 -- Hiram's Law
%%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%%
If you could get there from here you wouldn't want to.
%%
"If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"
"All of it."
 -- Cerebus
%%
If you could print all the money you wanted, and steal
all the money you wanted, couldn't you manage to stay out of debt?
%%
'If you could take all the laughter this man has given us, it would
reach to the universe and fill up the black hole in space.'
 -- Tony Orlando on Bob Hope
%%
If you cover a congressional committee on a regular basis, they will
report the bill on your day off.
 -- Herb Foster
%%
If you create bad government, blame the voters.
 -- Liberal Rule #39
%%
If you cried a little less, the audience would cry more.
 -- Edith Evans (to John Gielgud)
%%
If you cry "Forward!" you must without fail make plain in what direction
to go.  Don't you see that if, without doing so, you call out the
word to both a mond and revolutionary, they will go in directions
precisely opposite?
 -- Anton Chekhov
%%
--------> if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor <---------
%%
----> If you cut here, you'll ruin your monitor. <----
%%
If you cut one inch off a board that is one inch too long,
it will be one inch too short.
 -- Angel's Law Of Home Improvement
%%
"If you'd call it a robot.  It's more a sort of electronic sulking
machine." - Arthur.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you demand money from someone in exchange for your silence, it's called
 ``blackmail.''   If your lawyer demands money from someone in exchange for
 your silence, it's called ``a settlement.''
 -- Karl
%%
If you desire to be accepted into a society and known as a fair sort of
 person, you must agree to be taught many things you have already long known.
%%
If you destroy delicacy and a sense of shame in a young girl, you
deprave her very fast.
 -- Mrs. Stowe
%%
If you develop rules, never have more than ten.
 -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
If you did it and lived, you probably did it right.
%%
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be
ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and
all of the dark leaks out.
 -- The Third Law of Photography
%%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%%
If you didn't know what it was, you wouldn't have called.
%%
If you didn't program it in PASCAL it's WIRTHless.
%%
If you die, I'll kill you!
%%
If you dig a deep enough hole, someone will want to jump in.
%%
If you disregard the advice of Gen. Douglas MacArthur and go into
the quicksand of an Asian country, like a domino you will fall into
the quicksand of another Asian country next to it.
 -- Andrew Jacobs
%%
If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
 -- Slous' Contention
%%
If you do everything, you'll win.
 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%%
If you do not expect the unexpected, you will not find it; for it is hard
to be sought out, and difficult.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
If you do not know where you are going, you can take almost any road, in
 whatever direction, and it will get you there. Of course, when you get
 there you will be no more lost than you were when you were here. We would
 all miss you if we knew you had arrived, but of course we didn't so we
 won't.
%%
If you do not strive with others, you will be free from blame.
 -- Lao Tzu
%%
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
 -- John Galsworthy
%%
If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of
technical writing, ignore it.  The piece will make perfect
sense without it.
 -- Mr. Cooper's Law
If the piece makes no sense without the word, it will make
no sense with the word.
 -- Bogovich's Corollary to Mr Cooper's Law
%%
If you do not understand my silence, then you will not understand my words.
%%
If you do not wish a thing heard, do not say it.
 -- Klingon
%%
If you do not wish to be lied to, do not ask questions. If there were no
 questions, there would be no lies.
 -- B. Traven
%%
If you don't agree with me you're wrong!
%%
If you don't answer the letters
 you receive, you won't have the problem long.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
If you don't beat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
%%
If you don't believe hell freezes over, you haven't done Windows.
%%
If you don't believe in angels, you haven't heard me sing.
If you don't believe in demons, you haven't heard me snore.
%%
If you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything.
%%
If you don't care for your scalp, you'll get rabies!
 -- Monty Python
%%
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
 -- Rune's Rule.
%%
If you don't control your mind, someone else will.
 -- John Allston
%%
If you don't cook you get a raw deal every meal!
%%
If you don't do it excellently, don't do it at all. Because if it's not
 excellent, it won't be profitable or fun, and if you're not in business for
 fun or profit, what the hell are you doing there?
 -- Robert Townsend
%%
If you don't drink, when you wake up in the morning that's the best you're
 gonna feel all day.
 -- Martin Mull
%%
IF YOU DON'T DRIVE...DRINK.
%%
If you don't eat garlic, they'll never smell it on you.
%%
If you don't enjoy what you have, how can you be happy with more?
%%
If you don't ever give your heart wings, you never fly!
%%
If you don't expect anything, it is quite likely that your anticipation
 will reach fulfillment, and you will get nothing.
%%
If you don't fall down, you're not trying!
%%
If you don't find it in the Index,
look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
 -- "Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897)
%%
If you don't get it by midnight, chances are you ain't gonna get it; and if
 you do, it ain't worth it.
 -- Casey Stengel
%%
If you don't get it first, you don't get it all.
%%
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
 -- Clarence Day
%%
If you don't got the money, than don't go to none of them auctions, cause
 if you do, you can be in real deep trouble by a simple wrong move at the
 right time for the wrong reasons.
%%
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
 -- Freeman Dyson
%%
If you don't have enough time to accomplish something, consider the work
 finished once it's begun.
 -- John Cage
%%
If you don't have something good to say about someone.........
let's hear it.
%%
If You Don't Have the Cash, Why Get Up?
%%
If you don't have the cash, you won't have the check,
 and even if you do have the check, you won't have the ID,
 and even if you do, they won't take it.
%%
If you don't know the answer....make one up!
%%
If you don't know what to do, call the media and at least give the
 appearance of doing something.
 -- David Peterson
%%
If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better
not start writing it.
 -- Dijkstra
%%
If you don't know what you want, go to an antique shop - they've got it.
%%
If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up
  somewhere else.
 -- Lawrence J. Peter
%%
If you don't know where you are when you get there, then this is a fairly
 poor place to find out that you are not where you thought you were.
%%
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
%%
If you don't know where you're going,
when you get there you'll be lost.
 -- Yogi Berra, Baseball Hall of Famer, NY Yankees
%%
If you don't know whether a mushroom is edible or not, you cook it all up,
 and you take a little bit and then you leave it until the next day and
 watch to see if there are any bad effects. If there aren't any, you eat a
 little more, and presently you know something.
 -- John Cage
%%
If you don't laugh at all, you've missed the point. If you only laugh,
    you've missed your chance from illumination.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you grow old.
 -- Ed Howe
%%
If you don't like homosexuals, don't sleep with them.
%%
If you don't like lawyers, the next time you're
arrested hire a comedian
%%
If you don't like making constant decisions, than by all means, try to
 avoid trifocals.
%%
If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-WHO-CARES.
%%
If you don't like my attitude, stop talking to me.
%%
If you don't like my driving, dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT.
%%
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
%%
If you don't like the police, next time, call a rioter.
%%
If you don't like these telephone numbers we have listed, complain! Dial
 1-800-ME-SORRY.
%%
If you don't like the way I drive, get out of the Batmobile.
%%
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the
street...the sidewalk...the lawn...
%%
If you don't like the way we eat, you'd better not come to the table.
 -- Jason, The Sound and the Fury
%%
If you don't like the weather in New England, wait fifteen minutes;
it will change.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
If you don't like the weather, move.
%%
If you don't like what I say, don't read your tag.
%%
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.
 -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love
%%
If you don't make money off of it, it had better be either a religious
 experience or a hobby.
 -- Lance Cooper
%%
If you don't make the rules, you don't have to keep them.
If you do make the rules, you won't anyway.
%%
If you don't make waves, you're not underway yet.
%%
If you don't need it, you will have in on file, and if you need it, the
file will be lost, or you don't have it. The more urgent the need, the less
likely you will be to find the needed response.
 -- Tillis' Law of organization
%%
If you don't pay the exorcist are you REPOSSESSED?
%%
If you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials.
%%
If you don't read news.groups, the net appears to be a rather tranquil place.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer, about Usenet
%%
If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.
 -- John Atkinson
%%
If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
 -- Wilbur C. Munnecke
%%
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
 -- F. Jeff Stiles, Southern Baptist preacher
%%
If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
%%
If you don't think too good, don't think too much.
 -- Ted Williams
%%
If you don't think women are EXPENSIVE, marry one.
%%
If you don't think women are explosive - try dropping one!
%%
If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.
 -- Lefty Gomez's Law
%%
If you don't try new solutions, then you can expect new evils.
%%
If you don't understand UNIX, think of it as an enema.
%%
If you don't understand what I just said, don't worry.  Neither do I.
%%
If you don't vote....DON'T BITCH.
%%
If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all.
 -- Nexus
%%
If you DON'T Vote in Nov., DON'T Complain!!
%%
If you don't want it to - it CAN happen.
%%
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
%%
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that
you won't have to work.
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
If you don't want to work, you must work harder to get ahead a little so
 that you don't have to work to stay afloat, and when you are not working,
 it is work to avoid work, because it is so often presented to you as
 something to be done. It is far easier to work than not to work.
%%
If you don't want your children to hear what you are
sayin, pretend you're talking to them.
 -- Covert Conversation Code
%%
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet.
 -- Comedian Jay Leno
%%
If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something.
%%
If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order.
If you do write, you will receive your order before your tacky letter
reaches the company.
 -- Savino's Mail-Order Law
%%
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
%%
If you do that you have a chance of dying.
%%
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
%%
If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even put.
 -- Dean Martin
%%
If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
%%
If you drink enough wine, it doesn't matter how bad it is.
 -- Anonymous
%%
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
 -- Femo's Law of Automotive Engine Repairing
%%
If you drop the soap, is it dirty?
%%
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man,
 they're gone.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you dye your hair, don't use water-soluble dyes.  It is hell
trying to get the colour out of your eyebrows.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
either of you for the rest of the day.
%%
If you eat Twinkies Lite, do you kill one third less
people?  No, but you get a much lighter sentence
%%
If you eat yogurt, you'll have a lot of culture.
%%
   If you elect Bill Clinton and Al Gore that would be a disaster for
agriculture.  What Bill Clinton says he'll do, well, I'll tell you what
I'm going to do is to give a lot of balance to the interest here in California.
What we would have is an environmental summit, and guess who's going to be the
head of that enironmental summit? It's not going to be the Governor of
Arkansas. He's going to put Senator Al Gore in charge of the environmental
summit and his book will be the agenda for that environmental summit.
  I hope everyone reads that book.  We wanted to take that book to our debate,
but for some reason Al Gore didn't want us to have the book in the debate
because we wanted to make sure everyone knew what was in that book.  Because
that's the agenda for Bill Clinton.  That's the agenda of the Clinton-Gore
administration. Here's what he says about farmers.  Here's what he says
about agriculture in that book.  He says that farmers strip-mine the land.
He says that agriculture is in fact bulldozing the Garden of Eden.  Well I
tell you what, if you elect Bill Clinton and Al Gore you can say goodbye to
water, goodbye to food, and goodbye to your jobs. But come November the 3'rd,
the American people are going to say good-bye to Bill Clinton and Al Gore.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle in a speech to farmers outside
                   Fresno, California on 10/7/92.
                   (reported in the NY Times 10/8/92)
%%
If you encounter these negroes shoot first, ask questions later.
 -- LAPD squad-car computer message, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91
%%
If you enjoy working with people be a mortician
%%
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
 -- Charles Pierce
%%
If you ever become a parent..can I have one of your puppies?
%%
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
 there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take
 it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow
 down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
 look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown,
just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over
and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes.  There, isn't that better?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever get belted and see three fighters through a haze, go after the
 one in the middle. That's what ruined me--I went after the two guys on the
 end.
 -- Max Baer
%%
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people
 do.  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever have an accident, I hope you have on clean underwear. You're
 driving a truck--right into another truck. Now comes your mother to the
 hospital: "Did he have clean underwear?" "Yes, we found it in the glove
 compartment."
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
 makes beer shoot out your nose.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
 students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see, we BUILD to that.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you ever wanted *mindful* drivel, this is it.
%%
If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye.
%%
If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed.
%%
If you expect something free to live up to your expectations, you had
 better be prepared to see your expectations shattered, since there is no
 such thing as a free lunch.
%%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
 -- Chisholm, Third Law, Corollary 1
%%
    If you fall down seven times, get up eight times.
 -- Japanese proverb
%%
If you fear nothing, you love nothing.  If you love nothing, what
joy can there be in life?
%%
If you feed the people with revolutionary slogans they will listen today,
 they will listen tomorrow, they will listen the day after tomorrow, but on
 the fourth day they will say, "To hell with you."
 -- Nikita Khrushchev
%%
If you feel bad because you feel good and know that you will feel worse if
 you feel better, you are fairly well sure you are a hypochondriac. If you
 feel good because you feel bad and know you will feel better if you feel
 worse, you are a cairdnohcopyh, because you are doing things backwards.
%%
If you feel like you've got to lead, at least get out of my way.
%%
If you fill a vacuum, it can still suck.
 -- Dennis Ritchie
%%
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't go anywhere.
%%
If you first don't succeed, stack it and stack it again.
%%
 If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
 -- Murphy's Law No. 23
%%
If you gave to forecast, forecast often.
 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
If you gave up sex, our children wouldn't have to deal with yours!
%%
If you get confused, listen to the music play.
 -- Robert Hunter
%%
If you get gloomy, just take an hour off and sit and think how much better
 this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up if you expect to
 go there.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
If you get hung up on syntax, you'll never make it to semantics.
 -- S. M. Ryan
%%
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.  That's a
 common mistake.  You have to let nudity "happen."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you get on the telephone and call an onion to hear a ring, you are a
 truly sick person.
%%
If you get somebody to give you a dollar, they'll vote for you for the rest
 of their lives.
 -- Hugh Parmer, Democratic candidate for the 1990 U.S. Senate, from Texas
%%
"If you get the feeling that I don't love you, feel again"
 -- Stupid country song titles #6
%%
If you get there, play your numbers.
 -- MA Driving #5
%%
If you get to 35 and your job still involves wearing a name tag, you've
 probably made a serious vocational error.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
If you get to the end, who cares about the means?
%%
If you get up one more time than you fall you will make it through.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today.
If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think
golf is exciting.
 -- The Angler's Credo
%%
If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day.  But if you train
a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle while at a job training
                   center in Atlanta celebrating the 10'th anniversary
                   of the Job Training Partnership Act, which Quayle helped
                   to sponsor while a senator, 10/13/92.
                   (reported in the NY Times, 10/14/92).
%%
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always
do it.
 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
%%
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
%%
If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find
 something in them to hang him.
 -- Cardinal de Richelieu
%%
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward
 into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you go into business to make money, you'll go out of business. If you go
into business to serve customers, you'll make money.
 -- Jay Conrad Levinson
%%
If you go into heat, package your meat.
%%
If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone.
 -- Ernie Pyle
%%
If you go on a trip taking two bags with you, one containing everything you
need for the trip and the other containing absolutely nothing, the second bag
will be completely filled with junk acquired on the trip when you return.
 -- Tony Hogg
%%
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend
you were swimming.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you go swimming in melted dry ice, do you get dry?
%%
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily
 means you're a hard worker.  It may just mean that you have a lot to learn
 about proper hammer maintenance.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you go to a gunfight, take a gun
 -- Charles Nichols' Law
%%
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party,
do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out
of the fireplace onto the carpet.  Then jump on top of it with your
body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"  I've never done this,
but I think it'd work.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you go to see the woman, do not forget the whip.
 -- Nietzsche
%%
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If you had an off switch, doctor, would you not keep it a secret?
I guess I would.
 -- Data and Dr. Crusher, "Datalore", stardate 41242.4
%%
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
%%
If you had a penny and you were on top of the Empire State Building, and
 you took that penny and threw it off the Empire State Building and it hit
 somebody in the head, it would kill him. Talk about getting your money's
 worth.
 -- Heywood Banks
%%
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could
 cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a subject.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
%%
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be lying on the bottom of the
cage.
%%
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch,
 he'd be pushing up the daisies!
%%
If you had something like 500 GB of disk or or more, how would
you back it up?
Post it to comp.arch.storage
%%
If you had to look at Lee Iacocca and eat raw fish, you'd barf too.
%%
If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
 -- Construction Digest
%%
If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in.
%%
If you happen to have a million dollars, you are just about as well of as
 those who are rich.
%%
If you happen to live in a tri-level home, roller skates should not
 constitute your ordinary foot wear.
%%
If you happen to one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never
force an idea; you'll abort it if you do.  Be patient and you'll give birth to
%%
If you happen to think that you understand everything that is going on
 about you, it is likely that you are hopelessly confused. It is not met to
 be understood, but it is met to be observed and commented upon. If you are
 not totally confused, you do not really understand the situation.
%%
If you have a deity, pray now.  It's not polite to arrive unannounced!
%%
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person. They will find an
    easier way to do it.
 -- Hlade's Law
%%
If you have a dog, write it's name on it's forehead!!
%%
If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
 -- Malcolm Forbes
%%
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
 -- Charles F. Kettering
%%
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever.
 Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again.
 Then hit it a third time--a tremendous whack.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
If you have an opinion we'll FLAME it.
%%
If you have a problem with homosexuals, don't have sex with any.
%%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%%
If you have a vision, do something with it.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
If you have a weak candidate and a weak platform, wrap yourself up in the
 American flag and talk about the Constitution.
 -- Matthew S. Quay
%%
If you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed
you.
 -- Robert F. Goheen
%%
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
If you have buns of steel do they rust?
%%
If you have enough push you won't need any pull.
%%
If you have ever cheated in solitaire, I don't really want to know you.
%%
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes
 along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you
 with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out.
 -- Jean Kerr
%%
If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it.
 -- Margaret Fuller
%%
If you have made a mistake, cut your losses as quickly as possible.
 -- Bernard M. Baruch
%%
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
 -- Bette Davis
%%
If you have never failed, you probably will not succeed, because even if
 you do, you won't know it.
%%
If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race
of life.  With confidence, you have won even before you have started.
 -- Marcus Garvey
%%
If you have not changed your vacuum cleaner bag in the past five years, you
 can forget it, since it is a little late now.
%%
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
%%
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
%%
If you have nothing worth while to say, don't open your mouth, and people
 won't see the sawdust.
%%
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't
have that you wouldn't want.
%%
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody,
come sit next to me."
 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
%%
If you haven't struck oil in the first three minutes, stop boring.
 -- George Jessel
%%
If you haven't time to do it right now, how will you redo it right later?
%%
If you have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday,
you're bound to find yourself pissing on today.
 -- anonymous (Usenet FOAF)
%%
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances
are  someone else will do it for you.
 -- Clyde F. Adams
%%
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
If you have the right-sized washer, you have the wrong-sized spanner to
 unscrew the tap, and visa versa.
%%
If you have the time, you won't have the money.
If you have the money, you won't have the time.
 -- Wolter's law
%%
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
%%
If you have to eat crow, eat it while it's hot.
 -- Alben W. Barkley
%%
If you have to hate, hate gently.
%%
If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
 -- Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life
%%
If you have too many problems, maybe you should go out of business. There
 is no law that says a company must last forever.
 -- Peter Drucker
%%
If you have to scream, you're not doing it right.
 -- Billy Martin
%%
If you have to swallow a frog, try not to think about it. If you have
to swallow two frogs, don't swallow the smaller one first.
%%
If you have to think about it, it's too late.
%%
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
 -- Madison's Inquiry
%%
If you have trouble attracting men, try ordering pizza instead. This way
 you can get whatever you like--the right size, the right toppings, and once
 the delivery boy is in your house, he's yours.
 -- Hilary Dalton
%%
If you have trouble reading the screen, consider
going to an optho... opthama ... opthoma.. eye doctor.
%%
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
 it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
 -- Law of Reruns
%%
If you have writ your annals true, 't is there
That, like an eagle in a dove-cote, I
Flutter'd your Volscians in Corioli:
Alone I did it. Boy!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act v, Sc. 6
%%
If you help a friend in need he's sure to remember you - the next time he's
in need.
 -- Cheit's Lament
%%
If you hide your generic food cans at the bottom of the garbage can, you
 can legitimately be called a snob.
%%
If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a
day.  But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish,
he'll have headaches for the rest of his life.
%%
If you hit every time, the target's too near.
%%
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
 -- DeVries' Dilemma
%%
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
%%
If you jot down every silly thought that pops into your mind, you
will soon find out everything you most seriously believe.
 -- Mignon McLaughlin
%%
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
 -- Mother Teresa
%%
If you juggle with knives, you're likely to get cut.
 -- Kieran Donegal
%%
If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on
anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.
 -- Margaret Thatcher
%%
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.
 -- A. J. Liebling
%%
If you keep a thing for seven years, you are sure to find a use for it.
 -- Sir Walter Scott
%%
If you keep a tight lip, often a lot of loose talk can be prevented.
%%
If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a
prophet.
 -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
%%
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish
into it.
 -- William A. Orton
%%
If you keep your mouth shut you'll never put your foot in it.
%%
If you killed the baby Adolf Hitler, would you be evil?
%%
If you kill imagination, that is a kind of long term suicide.
%%
If you kill the cat, who ya gonna get to catch the mouse?
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
If you kiss and make up, fight with the opposite sex.
%%
If you knew 9 more things, you'd be an idiot.
%%
If you knew it, when did you know you knew?
%%
If you knew my infinite charm, there'd be no reason to be alarmed.
%%
If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
%%
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
 -- Fresco's Discovery
%%
If you know SHEZ then you know power!!
%%
If you know someone who has had a moustache for more than three years,
never let that man sleep on your sofa.
%%
  If you know that fundamentally there is nothing to seek, you have settled
    your affairs.
 -- Rinzai
%%
If you laid all our laws end to end, there would be no end.
 -- Arthur "Bugs" Baer
%%
If you learn something by watching the mistakes of others, it just seems
 fair to make some effort to return the favor.
%%
If you learn to watch people, you will have no need for movies.
 -- G.I.G.
%%
If you leave 2 bills together, they breed!
%%
If you leave the room, you're elected.
 -- Matilda's Law of Sub-committee Formation
%%
If you lend a person any money, it becomes lost for any purposes of your own.
When you ask for it back again, you find a friend made an enemy by your own
kindness. If you begin to press still further- either you must part with that
which you have intrusted, or else you must lose that friend.
 -- Plautus
%%
If you lie to the computer, it will get you in the end.
%%
If you lie, you'll cheat. And if you cheat, you'll steal.
%%
If you like Congress, you'll *love* Bill Clinton!
%%
If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
 -- Hadley's Law of Clothing
%%
If you like riding horses, consider going back to the traditional
side-saddle mode.  You will fall off far less.
 -- Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid.
%%
If you like to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few
 people go, let your wife read the map.
 -- Jack Carter
%%
If you listened hard enough the first time, you might have heard what
I meant to say.
%%
If you listen to the news, read the news, you'd think we were still
in a recession. Well, we're not in a recession. We've had growth;
people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive...
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91
%%
If you LIVE backwards, it is EVIL.
%%
"If you lived here, you'ld be home now"
 -- Spraypainted on a wall in an urban getto
%%
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd
buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off,
wouldn't you?
 -- Garrison Keillor
%%
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
 -- Graham Summer
%%
If you live in an apartment building with more than four floors, it pays to
 be nice to the elevator repairman.
%%
If you live long enough, it WILL kill you...
%%
If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee.
 -- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, Eagle, to Johnson Space Center, Houston
      July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
%%
If you look around a poker game and there's no sucker, you're it.
%%
If you look closely at Gorbachev's head, you'll see our number.
%%
If you look just close enough, you can see anything you want.
%%
If you lose a son, you can always get another.
But there is only one Maltese Falcon.
%%
If you lose the power to laugh,
 you lose the power to think.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
If you lose your memory just forget about it.
%%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
he'll get rich or famous or both.
 -- James C. Hagerty
%%
If you love something, kill it.  If it returns, you belong to it forever.
%%
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it doesn't come back, it never was yours in the first place.
 -- Proverb
%%
If you make a mess, clean it up.
 -- Mom
%%
If you make a mistake, cover all traces of the fact immediately.
%%
If you make a mistake, you right it immediately to the best of your ability.
%%
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a
year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
If you make every game a life-and-death proposition, you're going to have
 problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.
 -- Dean Smith
%%
If you make money your god, it will plague you like the devil.
 -- Fielding
%%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think, they'll hate you.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
If you make the world a little better, then you have accomplished a great deal.
%%
If you marry you will regret it.
If you do not marry, you will also regret it.
%%
If you meet a man who tells you that his favorite food is barbecued garlic
 cloves, you are talking to what is basically a very lonely man.
%%
If you meet a person on the path, do not greet him
 with words or silence.

 How will you greet him?
%%
If you meet Buddha on the road, kill him!
 -- Sheldon Kopp
%%
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
%%
If you meet The Buddha on the Net, flame him.
%%
If you meet the Buddha on the net, put him in your kill file.
 -- Robert Firth
%%
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
 -- Schmidt's Law
%%
If you miss your cat, look under my tires.
%%
If you move the TV any closer to the bed I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno!
%%
If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi!
%%
If you must go down, go down if flames.
%%
If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold
 yourself up as a warning and not as an example.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
If you need a calculator, its too complex.
%%
If you need a physician, employ these three: a cheerful mind, rest,
and a temperate diet.
%%
If you need a spoon, keep one around. Carry a thermos to help wash it
    down.  Now if there's some left, don't just throw it out - use it for
  spackle or bathroom grout.
 -- A. Yankovic, "Spam"
%%
If you need a wand of digging, kindly ask the minotaur.
%%
If you need help to discover what the entrees on the menu mean, you are in
 the wrong place, since it is highly unlikely you will be able to afford the
 meal!
%%
If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
 -- Sueker's Note
%%
If you never talk to strangers, then how do you ever meet anyone?
%%
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry
 you. I want to have children ..."--they leave skid marks.
 -- Rita Rudner
%%
If you obey all of the rules, you miss all of the fun.
 -- Katherine Hepburn
%%
If you only knew the power of the Dark Side - The Montreal Canadiens.
%%
If you only know WHY, then you are a scientist.
%%
If you only see one movie this year...you should get out more often!
 -- The Naked Gun 2 1/2
%%
If you only want to go 500 miles, can you begin with a halfstep?
%%
If you order extra cheese on a pizza do you really get it?
%%
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.  If you owe the bank $100
 million, that's the bank's problem.
 -- John Paul Getty
%%
If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time
 serving it...
 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_
%%
If you Pascal on the road, go C him and his dog Spot.
%%
If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die.
 -- sign on birth canal
%%
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
 -- James Goldsmith
%%
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a
procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way
will promptly develop.
 -- Murphy's Law Corollary  4
%%
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out
of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.
 -- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol
 -- 12 No 4 p 416
%%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
If you play Satanist music backwards, do you get hymns?
%%
If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
 -- Louis Zahner
%%
If you post it, they will flame.
 -- The voice from Field of Dreams,
       according to Brian Frost ([e-mail])
%%
If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head.
%%
If you pray for the ACLU, will they sue you over it?
%%
If you preface a joke by saying, "This is really funny," no one will
laugh.
%%
If you prefer, simply type w rather than west.
%%
If you prick me, do I not...leak?
 -- Data, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?
%%
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
 -- Fudd's First Law of Opposition
%%
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
 you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
 ice, but no cup.
%%
If you put a chain around the neck of a slave, the other end fastens itself
around your own.
 -- Emerson
%%
If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage, you have sewage.
If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel of wine, you have sewage.
 -- SCHOPENHAUER'S LAW OF ENTROPY
%%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
 -- Pierre Gallois
%%
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
%%
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds
 of a restaurant.
 -- Snoopy
%%
If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.
%%
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #13
%%
If your behind is in front, you turned around!
%%
 If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a man number 26
%%
 If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a man number 12
%%
 If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
 -- Reasons why a bicycle is better than a woman number 13
%%
If your bread is stale, make toast.
%%
If your can't talk "flatlander" - you're not hip.
%%
If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy,
you are on the way to the scrap-heap.
 -- Glen Buck
%%
If your computer doesn't multitask, it ain't shit.
 -- Cal Keegan
%%
If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.
%%
If your cow doesn't give milk dairy farming just isn't for you!
%%
If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him!
%%
If your cow has only one teat dairy farming just isn't for you!
%%
If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted.
%%
If you're 18 and can read this, you must be Japanese.
%%
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get
 your first anvil.  How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins
 or changes colors.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't
 think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people
 see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
 really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well read. But if you watch a
 lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.
 -- Lily Tomlin
%%
If you read this tagline right to the very end you will most certainly die.
%%
If you're afraid of trapdoors, just cover the floor with all you've got.
%%
If you're a happy little citizen, clank your chains!
%%
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
 back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you REALLY must stay, please leave.
%%
If you really want to annoy your neighbors and worry them no end, cause
 them to sit up nights in anxiety, than there is but one way to do it. Tell
 the truth about them. Truth needs no embellishment and is always better
 than any fiction possible.
%%
If you really want to be original, try being yourself, since God never made
 any two of us alike. Variety is the spice of life. Variety is what makes
 the world go around.
%%
If you really want to experience frustration, try telling some pessimist
 how nice they look and getting some enthusiam going.
%%
If you really want to get someone's attention, mention their name in a
 whisper.
%%
If you really want to know, you won't ask me.
%%
If you really want to sell something, tell the women it is a bargain, but
 tell the man it is deductible.
%%
If you really want to understand something, try to change it.
 -- Kurt Lewin
%%
If you're already in a hole, there's no use to continue digging.
 -- Roy W. Walters
%%
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a
 skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a
 skull but just an old dried-out potato.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
buzz-saw.
 -- W. C. Fields
%%
If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
 -- Zisla's Law
%%
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
 cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
 instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.  Then,
 later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
 cough and throw the ball to the ground.  Then say, "Boy, these are good
 cigars!"
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you're at the front of the queue, the
 driver comes to a halt at the back.
%%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really
 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
 -- L. R. Pierson
%%
If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because
you don't know enough to know better.
 -- Jay Weisman
%%
If you redo a batch file, is it a son of a batch?
%%
If you're ever right, never let 'em forget it.
 -- Edgar R. Riedler
%%
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes
 out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell
 the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak
 the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy."  I bet it means something.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't start
 thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the
 first sign of jungle madness.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you're facing the richest and most disgusting conspiracy in history,
you have to do more than stick up two fingers and say "peace".
 -- Ben Elton, Stark
%%
If you're feeling down, depressed and lonely, I know a place we can go.
%%
If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
 -- Boling's Postulate.
%%
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
%%
If you regard discomfort as a normal condition you are
not likely to be troubled by want.
 -- Ieyasu's maxims
%%
If you're going faster than 90 MPH and they chase you -- make 'em *earn* it.
%%
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
tomorrow morning, sleep late.
 -- Henny Youngman
%%
If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.
 -- Leo Rosten
%%
If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet.
 -- Keith Richards
%%
If you're going to make rubbish, be the best rubbish in it.
 -- Richard Burton
%%
If you're going to plagiarize, go way back.
 -- Senator Barry Goldwater (to Senator Joseph Biden)
%%
If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will
 forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.
 -- Hyman Rickover
%%
If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off.
%%
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
%%
If you're going to write about human beings, you might as well
make them people.
 -- Woody Allen, The Front
%%
If you're gonna drink and drive, drink 7-up!
%%
If you're gonna get down...Get Down and Prey!
%%
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
%%
If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
%%
If you're gonna shoot, shoot.  Don't talk.
 -- Il Brutto
%%
If you're gonna sin, you may as well be original
 -- The Young Ones
%%
If you're gonna use s, at least write yer own! (c)
%%
If you regularly eat green vegetables
 for 80 years, you'll never die young.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%%
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your
 lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're looking for trouble, I can offer a wide selection.
%%
If you rely on Murphy's law, everything will go as planned
(but don't count on it.)
 -- Sullivan's Observation
%%
If you're normal, who wants to be normal?
%%
If you're not a hemmoroid get off my ass!
%%
If you're not a player, you're not in the game.
 -- Vinnie Terrenova's mob motto on WISEGUY
%%
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
%%
If you're not confused, you must try harder.
%%
If you're not confused, you're misinformed.
%%
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
%%
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
%%
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
%%
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
%%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
 -- Henry J. Tillman
%%
If you're not recycling, you're throwing it all away
%%
If you're not the steamroller, you're part of the road.
%%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
If you're not wasted, then the day is.
%%
If you're offended now, try playing my message backwards.
%%
If you're old and you lose, they say you're outmoded. If you're young and
 you lose, they say you're green. So don't lose.
 -- Terry Brennan
%%
If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
 -- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
%%
If you require someone to change you require them to lie.
%%
If you're reading this, at least you're busy.
%%
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
%%
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
%%
If you're running against Nixon you don't have to say anything. You don't
 even have to get out of bed in the morning to beat him.
 -- Harry S. Truman
 (advising Edmund "Pat" Brown to keep his speeches short in his campaign for
 the governorship of California against Richard Nixon.)

 Always stay in with the outs.
 -- David Halberstam
%%
If you resent it don't do it; if you do it, don't resent it.
%%
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #18
%%
If you're small, you better be a winner.
 -- Billie Jean King
%%
IF You're smoking after sex then you're going *WAY* too fast!
%%
If you're so competent that you are irreplaceable,
you won't be promoted.
 -- Node's Law of Stasis
%%
If you're so smart... Why ain't you reasonable?
%%
If you're so special, why aren't you dead?
%%
If you're speaking of worships of sorts, we represent many beliefs.
 -- McCoy, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
%%
If you're there before it's over, you're on time.
 -- James Walker
%%
If you're thinking what I am...well then you're psychic!
%%
If you're too old to learn, you were born so.
%%
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I
 don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.  But here's the
 point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you're trying to drive me crazy, you're too late!
%%
If you're willing to travel, or just super-desperate, the best place in the
 world to meet unattached men is on the Alaska pipeline. I'm told that the
 trek through the frozen tundra is well worth the effect for any woman who
 wants to know what it feels like to be Victoria Principal.
 -- Linda Sunshine
%%
If you're witch hunting, I spell mine with a B.
%%
If you're working on your dissertation and you're
reading Usenet, add six months to your graduation date.
%%
If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of
 the cup.
 -- Norm Crosby
%%
If your face were a tree, it would be different.
%%
If your facts are wrong but your logic is perfect, then your
conclusions are inevitably false. Therefore, by making
mistakes in your logic, you have at least a random chance of
coming to a correct conclusion.
 -- Christie-Davies' Theorem
%%
If your father told you he could determine the sex of a puppy by looking at
the bottoms of its feet, he was lying.
%%
If your feet smell and your nose runs then you're built upside down.
%%
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay
 to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do
 some tricks.  But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If your friend won't lend you fifty dollars, he's probably a close friend.
%%
If your god is dead, try one of mine!
%%
If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
If your heart were filling gas tanks on a car, you could fill about 400
 cars a day, if they were almost out of gas.
%%
If you ride a horse, sit close and tight; if you ride a man, sit easy and
 light.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and
 rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
 Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day.  Later, he'll
 thank you.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If your lead pencil is less than three inches long, and still equipped with
 a virgin eraser, you are about as close to perfection as this world will
 allow you to be.
%%
If your life is just a highway, and your soul is just a car,
 objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are...
 -- Meat Loaf
%%
If your life is stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut...
%%
If your message arrives late, you keep the tagline as our free gift!
%%
If your monthly phone bill includes over seventy-five dollars' worth of
 calls to Entertainment Tonight 900-number opinion polls, get a life ... If
 you always make a point to sit up front on a bus so you can "chat" with the
 driver ... get a life! If you still own and operate a CB radio and you are
 not a licensed interstate truck driver ... get a life! If you are on a
 first-name basis with all of the security guards at your local shopping
 mall ... Get a life!
 -- Charlie Kadau
%%
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of
something you left out.
%%
If your opponent calls you a liar, call him a thief.
 -- "Big Bill" Thompson
%%
If your past isn't checkered, why are you in Atlanta?
%%
If your position is everywhere, your momentum is zero.
%%
If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't
think was important.
 -- Biondi's Law
%%
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
 longer be fantasies.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
 -- Jonathan Winters
%%
If your songs don't go over...do a medley of costumes.
 -- Elvis
%%
If your stomach disputes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
If your strength is small, don't carry heavy burdens.  If your words are
worthless, don't give advice.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you. This is not to say
 that the doctor will not apply effort, and in the end, you may die beyond
 your means.
%%
If your trouble is of long standing.  Try kneeling.
%%
If you run across a restaurant where you often see priests eating with
 priests, or sporting girls with sporting girls, you may be confident that
 it is good. Those are two classes of people who like to eat well and get
 their money's worth.
 -- A. J. Liebling
%%
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
 -- Sam Levenson
%%
If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless.
%%
If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard,
 the first thing typed would be a UNIX command.
 -- Bill Lye
%%
If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it.
%%
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd
be wrong though.  It's Hambone.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
        If you say no, my brother and I will come here for breakfast, lunch,
                 and dinner every day of the week.
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
If you say nothing no one can make you repeat it.
%%
If You Say Nothing, No One Will Repeat It.
%%
If you say, "Would there were no wine" because of the drunkards, then
you must say, going on by degrees, "Would there were no steel," because
of the murderers, "Would there were no night," because of the thieves,
"Would there were no light," because of the informers, and "Would there
were no women," because of adultery.
 -- St. John Chrysostom: Homilies, c. 388
%%
If you scatter thorns, don't go barefoot.
 -- Italian Proverb
%%
If you score is between:                    You are

0x000 and 0x010       ->         Computer Illiterate
0x011 and 0x040       ->         a User
0x041 and 0x080       ->         an Operator
0x081 and 0x0C0       ->         a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0x100       ->         a Hacker
0x101 and 0x180       ->         a Guru
0x181 and 0x200       ->         a Wizard

Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.
 -- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
 -- Satellite Safety Tip No.14
%%
If you see a hoodwink, should you wink back?
%%
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
%%
 If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
 of doing you good, you should run for your life.
 -- Thoreau's Law
%%
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good
 saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right.  Tabby-colored, likes a
 fella."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you see an onion ring
      -answer it!
%%
If you see any marbles, send them to me.  They're mine!
%%
If you see any misspelled words it HAS to be line noise.
%%
If you see a snake, just kill it--don't appoint a committee on snakes.
 -- H. Ross Perot
%%
If you see God, tell Him I'm looking for Him.
%%
If you seek enlightenment diligently enough, someone will sell it to you.
%%
If you seem to be getting better, it's your doctor getting worse.
 -- MURPHY'S FLU LAW
%%
If you seem to know what you are doing, you'll be given more to do.
%%
If you see nurses you better start looking somewhere for a doctor.
%%
"If you see the man who invented the wheel, send him up; I want to give
him a piece of my mind.  Meddler!"
 -- Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein
%%
If you set out to take Vienna, then take Vienna.
 -- Napoleon
%%
If you share a path with an elephant, no matter who stumbles, you lose.
%%
    If you sincerely desire a _truly_ well-rounded education,
you must study the extremists, the obscure and nutty.    You
need the balance!  Your poor brain is already being
impregnated with middle-of-the-road crap, twenty-four hours a
day, _no matter what_.  Network TV, newspapers, radio, magazines
at the supermarket... even if you never watch, read, listen,
or leave your house, even if you are deaf and blind, the
_telepathic pressure alone_ of the uncountable normals
surrounding you will insure that you are automatically well-
grounded in consensus reality.
 -- Rev. Ivan Stang
 -- High Weirdness By Mail
%%
If you skate on thin ice, skate _fast_!
%%
If you slip between the thighs, be sure to condomise.
%%
If you smoke after sex, you need lubricant.
%%
If you smoke on the premises, we shall assume you are on fire
and treat you accordingly...
%%
If you sold tombstones, no one would die.
%%
If you sold umbrellas, it would never rain.
%%
 If you sprinkle
 while you tinkle,
 please be neat
 and wipe the seat.
 -- Toilet graffiti
%%
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
%%
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
%%
If you stand straight, do not fear a crooked shadow.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
If you stand up to be counted someone will take your seat.
%%
If you start to walk, a bus appears when
 you are exactly halfway between stops.
%%
If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you.
%%
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
%%
If you steal something small you are a petty thief,
but if you steal millions you are a gentleman of society.
 -- Greek Proverb
%%
If you step on people in this life, you're going to come back as a
 cockroach.
 -- Willie Davis
%%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
 Or some joker who is slicker,
 Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
%%
If you stop to think about it, you're already dead.
%%
If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly
imagine!
 -- Ben Kenobi (Star Wars)
%%
If you study the logistics and heuristics of the mystics,
 You will find that their minds rarely move in a line.
%%
If you submit your paper to a second editor, his journal invariably
demands an entirely different reference system.
 -- Maeve O'Conner
%%
If you substitute other kinds of intellectual property into the GNU
 MANIFESTO, it quickly becomes absurd.
 -- Cal Keegan
%%
If you subtract your pulse rate from your I.Q., you get your
 "blood-intelligence level."  This is the rate at which you decide
 not to do something which might make you bleed.
%%
If you subtract you sneaker size from the caliber of a bullet fired
 at you, you will get the number of centimeters you can run before
 being hit.
%%
If you suffer, thank God! - it is a sure sign that you are alive.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him, and if you employ him, don't
suspect him.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
If you take a computer apart and put it back together enough times you will end
up with two computers... neither of which work.
%%
If you take a oriental and turn him around
 so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
%%
If you take pleasure in criticism, it's time to hold your tongue.
%%
If you take something apart and put it back together often enough,
you will eventually have two of them.
 -- Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction
%%
If you take something apart, odds are you cannot get it back
together again.
 -- SIMON'S COROLLARY
%%
    If you take the game of life seriously, if you take your
    nervous system seriously, if you take your sense organs
    seriously, if you take the energy process seriously, you
    must turn on, tune in and drop out.
%%
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
 -- Milt Barber
%%
If you take yourself seriously in politics, you've had it.
 -- Lord Carrington
%%
If you talk about yourself, he'll think you're boring. If you talk about
 others, he'll think you're a gossip. If you talk about him, he'll think
 you're a brilliant conversationalist.
 -- Linda Sunshine
%%
If you talk the talk, you damn well better walk the walk.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If you tell a lie, always rehearse it. If it don't sound good to you,
 it won't sound good to anybody.
 -- Satchel Paige
%%
 If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
 -- Cannon's Comment
%%
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
If you tell the truth, you have infinite power supporting you; but
if not, you have infinite power against you.
 -- Charles Gordon
%%
If you tell the truth, you must smile.  Otherwise, people will kill you.
%%
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this,
 but that's another weakness.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you think Barney's a pain in the ass then you haven't met my ex!
%%
If you think Barney's a pain, then you haven't met my wife!
%%
If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
%%
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
 -- Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia
%%
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
 -- Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia
%%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
%%
If you think it's buggers, but it's snot.
%%
If you think it's stolen, it came from Lynk!
%%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
 tomorrow!
%%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
 try missing a couple of car payments.
 -- Earl Wilson
%%
If you think of yourselves as helpless and ineffectual, it is certain
that you will create a despotic government to be your master.  The
wise despot, therefore, maintains among his subjects a popular sense
that they are helpless and ineffectual.
 -- Frank Herbert, The Dosadi Experiment
%%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
%%
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
%%
If you thinks my speeling, is bad check my grammers!
%%
If you think ... stop it.
%%
If you think that you are sweet, take off your jock & smell the seat!!
%%
If you think the person who inherited all that money is bad now, just
 imagine what would have happened if the estate were larger than it actually
 was!
%%
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
 -- Arthur Kasspe
%%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
 -- Richard M. Nixon
%%
If you think this fortune is confusing, then change one pig.
%%
If you think this is funny, look in a mirror.
%%
if (you_think(this_tagline) == funny) laugh();
%%
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
%%
If you think Windows is slow, try Norton DeskTop!
%%
If you think women are moody and bossy - get a cat.
%%
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
 -- Mary Kay Ash
%%
If you think you have enemies, then, dear simpleton, you will have enemies.
%%
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
%%
If you think you have someone eating out of your hand, it is not at all a
 bad idea to count your fingers.
%%
If you think you might faint, don't worry; you can always go into psychiatry.
%%
If you think your boyfriend hits you 'because he cares'.
%%
If you think you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
 -- Gustav Mahler
%%
If you think you're free, there's no escape possible: Baba Ram Dass
%%
If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with
a mosquito in the room.
 -- Anita Koddick
%%
If you think your wife's jewellery is an investment, try selling a few pieces.
%%
If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today.
%%
If you throw a cat out the car window, is that kitty litter?
%%
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat
 and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
%%
If you took all the sincerity in Hollywood and put it in the navel of a fruit
 fly, you'd still have room for three carraway seeds and a producer's heart.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
 -- Graffiti in the Big Ten
%%
If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead
 show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to
 the moon and back... and none of them would be
 complaining.
 -- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
%%
If you treat a sick child like an adult and a sick adult like a child,
 everything usually works out pretty well.
 -- Ruth Carlisle
%%
If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time.
%%
If you truly love something, set it free. If it returns, it will
 be yours forever. If it doesn't, then hunt it down and kill it!
%%
If you try to be too sharp, you will cut yourself.
%%
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
%%
If you try to please everybody, somebody is not going to like it.
 -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
If you turn blind: don't expect your dog to be turned into a seeing-eye dog.
%%
If you turn on the light quickly enough you can see what the dark looks
 like.
%%
If you understand everything, you must be misinformed.
 -- Japanese Proverb
%%
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
%%
              If you understand, things are as they are.
                If you do not understand, things are as they are.
 -- Gensha, Zen Master
%%
If (you_understand_this == 1)
{
 C.programmer.job = posibility;
}
%%
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
 -- A. L.
%%
If you use a waffle iron for a pillow, be sure it is unplugged.
 -- Gary Owens
%%
If you've come for my guns, prepare to die.
%%
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
it off with
dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
%%
If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out
 using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have
 problems.
%%
If you've got part of it, flaunt that part.
%%
If you've got water on the knee, you're not aiming straight!
%%
If you've half a mind to watch TV, that's enough!
%%
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me. I want to hear it again.
%%
If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe
 him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of
 water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it
 a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.
 -- Shelley Berman
%%
If you've never said "excuse me" to a parking meter or
bashed your shins on a fireplug, you're probably wasting too
much valuable reading time
%%
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
 -- Spiro Agnew
%%
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.
 -- a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang
%%
If you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen 'em all.
%%
If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
%%
If you view your problem closely enough you will
recognize yourself as part of the problem.
 -- Ducharm's Axiom
%%
If you visit an American City,
You will find it very pretty.
Just two things of which you must beware:
Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air.
Pollution, pollution, the got smog and sewage and mud,
turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud.
 -- POLLUTION by Tom Lehrer
%%
If you voted for Bill and Al, you actually got Beavis and Butt-head.
%%
If you voted for Bill and Al, you actually got Ren & Stimpy.
%%
If you voted for Bill and Al, you also voted for Hillary and Tipper!
%%
If you voted for CLinton, You must have inhaled!
%%
If you wait, it will go away.
%%
If you wait, it will go away.
 -- Hellrung's Law
Having done its damage.
 -- Shavelson's Extension
If it was bad, it'll be back.
 -- Grelb's Addition
%%
If you wait long enough, everything will come to you. It's called hash.
%%
If you wait there long enough, you'll be there when it
 happens, but you won't like it, and wish you were elsewhere. Living means
 you must keep moving.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
If you wake up and find yourself a success, then you haven't been asleep.
%%
If you wanna complain about my attitude dial 1 (800) EAT-SH*T.
%%
If you wanna do it right, then why do it?
%%
If you wanna get down, down on the ground, cocaine.
 -- Eric Clapton
%%
If you want a friend, then be a friend.
%%
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
 -- Clint Eastwood
%%
    If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot
stamping on the human face-- forever . . . And remember that
it is forever.
 -- George Orwell
 -- 1984
%%
If you want a place in the sun, prepare to put up with a few blisters.
%%
If you want a thing well done, do it yourself.
 -- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
%%
If you want a track team that will win the high jump, you find one
person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.
 -- Frederick E. Terman
%%
If you want divine justice, die.
 -- Nick Seldon
%%
If you want enemies, excel others; if you want friends let others excel you.
 -- Colton
%%
If you want good food, cook it yourself
 -- Traditional Chinese Proverb
%%
If you want her to show emotion, cut up her credit cards.
%%
If you want it done right, don't write it for Windows.
%%
If you want it done right, forget about Microsoft.
%%
If you want it, press [esc] now!
%%
If you want me, you can find me, left of center, off of the strip.
 -- Suzanne Vega
%%
If you want my advice, pay me!
%%
If you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.
%%
If you want something done, ask a busy person.
%%
   If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before
you start.
 -- Edmund Blackadder
 -- Dish and Dishonesty
%%
If you wants to get elected president, you've got to think
up some memorable homily so's school kids can be pestered
into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.
 -- Walt Kelly, The Pogo Party
%%
If you want the best seat in the house, move a cat.
%%
If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to
find ways to be hospitable to the unusual person.  You don't get
innovation as a democratic process.  You almost get it as an
anti-democratic process.  Certainly you get it as an antithetical
process, so you have to have an environment where the body of people are
really amenable to change and can deal with the conflicts that arise out
of change an innovation.
 -- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,
 -- Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity,
 -- The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.
%%
If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them.
 -- Pietro Aretino
%%
If you want to avoid problems, never become good friends with an animal,
 since it lasts but a short while. On the other hand, never become friends
 with men, they last too long!
%%
If you want to be a Raelet, you gotta let Ray.
%%
If you want to be a writer--stop talking about it and sit down and write!
 -- Jackie Collins
%%
If you want to become a millionaire, found a religion.
 -- L. Ron Hubbard
%%
If you want to be forgiven, forgive.
%%
If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an
equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors.  There is no
other.
 -- Carl Schurz (1829-1906)
%%
If you want to be happy, be.
 -- Leo Tolstoy
%%
If you want to be popular, ask a lot of people for advice. If you want to
 be wise, ignore the advice.
%%
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor
 pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger
 that!" real loud.  Then lean back and sort of smirk.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
%%
If you want to cheer up, cheer up someone.
%%
If you want to clear your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow
 a mouse.
 -- Johnny Carson
%%
If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you
can hang yourself with the cord.
%%
If you want to cure a compulsive gambler, give him the Atlanta Falcons and
 four points.
 -- Paul Lynde
%%
If you want to do it, do it!
 -- Francesco Scavullo (from his father)
%%
If you want to eat hippopotamus, you've got to pay the freight.
 -- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
%%
If you want to feel great, you must eat something real big.
%%
If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money
can't buy.
%%
If you want to get along, go along.
 -- Sam Rayburn
%%
If you want to get high on pot, stand on a toilet.
%%
If you want to get rid of stinking odors in the kitchen, stop cooking.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
If you want to get something DONE, stay out of universities.
 -- John Hammond in Jurassic Park (The Book), page 125
%%
If you want to get the plain truth,
Be not concerned with right and wrong.
The conflict between right and wrong
Is the sickness of the mind.
 -- Seng-Ts'an
%%
If you want to go somewhere, goto is the best way to get there.
 -- Ken Thompson
%%
If you want to have a long life, you must give up all those things that
 would make a long life interesting and fun.
%%
If you want to help the American theater, don't be an actress, be an
 audience.
 -- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
If you want to hide your face, walk naked.
%%
If you want to hit, use a dagger.
%%
"If you want to keep the beer real cold,
put it next to my ex-wife's heart"
 -- Stupid country song titles #11
%%
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.
 -- Charles F. Kettering
%%
If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.
%%
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
%%
If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.
%%
If you want to know what a man is really like,
take notice how he acts when he looses money.
 -- New England proverb
%%
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
If you want to know what government medicine would be
like, ask someone in a VA hospital.
%%
If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
 stuff.
 -- Dave Enyeart
%%
If you want to know who your friends are, get yourself a jail sentence.
%%
If you want to know your true opinion of someone, watch the effect
produced in you by the first sight of a letter from him.
 -- Arthur Schopenhauer
%%
If you want to live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse,
IT'S TOO LATE!
%%
If you want to make a friend, let someone do you a favor.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
 -- Charles L. Geanangel
%%
If you want to make a song more hummy, add a few tiddely poms.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
 -- Woodrow Wilson.
%%
If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
 -- Al Bernstein
%%
If you want to rob a shop, train your dog.
%%
If you want to run and play, Come along the BEAM today.
%%
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of
 one, go ahead, get married.
 -- Katharine Hepburn
%%
If you want to solve a problem, draw a diagram.
If you still can't solve it, make the diagram bigger.
 -- Stevan's Rule
%%
If you want to stay young-looking, pick your parents very carefully.
 -- Dick Clark
%%
If you want to succeed, you'd better look as if you mean business.
 -- Jeanne Holm
%%
If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit
things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse
for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so
much a sport as an insult to lawns.
 -- National Lampoon
%%
If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying
about one year ago today.
 -- Rotarian
%%
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
titles beginning with the word National.
 -- George Will
%%
If you want to walk the streets safely at night,
carry a projector and the slides from your last holiday.
%%
If you want to win anything--a race, your self, your life--you have to go a
 little berserk.
 -- George Sheehan
%%
:If you want X, you know where to find it.: There is a legend that
   Dennis Ritchie, inventor of {C}, once responded to demands for
   features resembling those of what at the time was a much more
   popular language by observing "If you want PL/I, you know where to
   find it."  Ever since, this has been hackish standard form for
   fending off requests to alter a new design to mimic some older
   (and, by implication, inferior and {baroque}) one.  The case X =
   {Pascal} manifests semi-regularly on USENET's comp.lang.c
   newsgroup.  Indeed, the case X = X has been reported in
   discussions of graphics software (see {X}).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
If you want your boomerang to come back, throw it first!
%%
If you want your marriage to sizzle
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up!
 -- Ogden Nash
%%
If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
 -- Al Blanchard
%%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
 word you say, talk in your sleep.
%%
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work
 at it, it's golf.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?  Come on,
 we're not going to hurt it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you went Chopin, did you take your Liszt?
%%
If you were a gay illegal-alien looking for an abortion, it was a
humdinger of a week.
 -- Kirk Fordice
 -- As governer of Mississippi, 1/29/93
%%
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the
 gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you were a mushroom, why would people always be inviting you to parties?
Because you'd be a real fun gi.
%%
If you were an Armadillo, you'd worship trees, too!
%%
If you were any more perfect, Data, I'd have to write you up in a
  Starfleet medical textbook.
I am already listed in several bio-mechanical texts doctor.
Yes...Of course.
 -- Dr. Crusher and Data. "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really
 make you mad?  Treasure chests with no handles.  How the hell are you supposed
 to carry it?!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
If you were as innocent as you pretend to be, we'd never get anywhere.
 -- Sam Spade
%%
"If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
If you were everyone but one person I would listen to everyone else.
%%
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
If you were my husband, I would feed you poison.

If you were my wife, madam, I would take it!
 -- Lady Astor and William Churchill
%%
If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files.
 -- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed rm -i * to
       get rid of a file named -f on a Unix system.
%%
If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
%%
If you were to eat a human body, where would you start?
%%
If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without
bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not
too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with
all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival.

There may be even a worse case.  You may have to fight when there is no
hope of victory, because it is better to perish than live as slaves.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
If you wish me to weep, you yourself must feel grief.
 -- Horace (65-8 BC)
 -- Ars Poetica, 102
%%
If you wish peace, work for justice.
 -- Pope Paul VI
%%
If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
 -- Napoleon
%%
If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water.
%%
If you wish to know more, press [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DEL].
%%
If you wish to know what a man is - give him skates, a stick, & a puck.
%%
                     If you wish to know
                     Why there are disasters
                     Of Armies and Weapons in the world
                     Listen to the piteous cries
                     From the slaughterhouse at midnight
 -- Old Chinese Saying
%%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
%%
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, You are wrong.
This method works every time.
 -- Henry C. Link
%%
If you wish to please people, you must begin by understanding them.
%%
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
%%
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. Then do the opposite.
%%
If you wish to, you will have a good opportunity to get even.
%%
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of other people.
 -- Oriental Proverb
%%
If you wish, You will have an opportunity.
%%
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is
probably a joke that gets old real fast.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
If you work on your mind with your mind, how can you avoid an immense
 confusion?
 -- Seng-Ts'an
%%
If you would be a reel seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once
in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
 -- Descartes
%%
If you would be happy when others about you are not, while they count their
 troubles, you should take time out to count your blessings.
%%
If you would be pungent, be brief; for it is with words as with sunbeams.
 The more they are condensed, the deeper they burn.
 -- Robert Southey
%%
If you would be remembered,
do one thing superbly well.
 -- Saunders Norvell
%%
If you would eat well in England, you must eat breakfast three times a day.
 -- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat.
%%
If you would know a man, observe how your cat treats him.
%%
If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
If you would live a long life, observe moderation in all things, including
 sobriety.
%%
If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are rotten,
either write things worth reading or do things worth the writing.
 -- Benjamin Franklin
%%
If you would pay attention instead of playing with yourself.
%%
If you would want to know what you would be like if you lost your mind, put
 a tape recorder nearby and have it running when you take your second or
 third drink.
%%
If you write a book entitled "How to Fail" and it doesn't sell, is it a
success? If it sells is it a failure?
%%
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
 -- Gotama Buddha
%%
I gamble on a third time, a fool'll tell you it's a charm.
%%
I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The
first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about
the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies
died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister.
That is a political statistic.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
I gave all my forms to Sudhir.
Then he came back and yelled in my ear,
"Nothing went through,
and its all cause of you,
if you get it right once, I will cheer!"
%%
I gave her the ring; she gave me the finger.
%%
I gave it up until Lent.
%%
I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he
 enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other
 than that ...
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I gave my life to learning how to live. Now that I have organized
it all it's just about over.
 -- Sandra Hochman
%%
I gave to Dr. Kavorkian's Free Clinic in Baghdad.
%%
I gave up ASCII for Lent.
%%
I gave up believing in God for Lent.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I gave up on my wife, and married my computer.
%%
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *horrifying* 20
minutes of my life!
%%
I geek, therefore, I am.
%%
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
 -- Mae West
%%
"I get all these stories mixed up, the Headlines
come so fast... the money, the money that the Rev.
Jim Bakker allegedly gave to that church secretary:
I want to know how much of that money went to the
Contras in Nicaragua and I want to know NOW!"
 -- Mark Russell
%%
I get broads come in here, they sit in front of me and they stare at me.
 Everything I do, they stare at me. Then they walk out saying, "She's so
 dirty!" They're so refined, how come they understand what I'm saying?
 -- Pearl Williams
%%
I get email therefore I am!
%%
I get mail, therefore I exist.
%%
I get my castles the old-fashioned way.  I conquer them.
%%
I get my monkeys for nothing and my chimps for free.
%%
I get no kick from champagne...
 -- Cole Porter
%%
I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who
exercise.
 -- Red Skelton
%%
I get the news I need on the weather report.
%%
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
 -- Pete Seeger
%%
I getz Buzy, I getz Buzy oh yeah...
%%
IGI: Increment Grade Immediate
%%
IG: Insert Garbage
%%
I gin to be aweary of the sun.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
IGIT: Increment Grade Immediate Twice
%%
I give advice worth the price....free!
%%
I give away Truth, why buy a liberal Democratic lie?
%%
I give good back.
%%
I give it 95 for the beat and 98 for the lyrics...
%%
I give myself sometimes admirable advice,
but I am incapable of taking it.
 -- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
%%
I give presents to the father, but I think of the son.
%%
I give thee all,--I can no more,
Though poor the off'ring be;
My heart and lute are all the store
That I can bring to thee.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- My Heart and Lute
%%
I give thee sixpence! I will see thee damned first.
 -- George Canning (1770-1827)
 -- The Friend of Humanity and the Knife-Grinder
%%
I give the fight up: let there be an end,
A privacy, an obscure nook for me.
I want to be forgotten even by God.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Paracelsus, Part v
%%
I give up then.  If Mozart can't justify our continued existence, nothing can.
 -- Max, a man in love with the minutae and beauty of life, from ZOT!
%%
I give up, what is the meaning of life?
%%
I give you bitter pills in sugar coating.
The pills are harmless: the poison is in the sugar.
 -- Stanislaw Lec
%%
I give you the 15 <SMASH<. . . 10 Commandments
%%
igloo: (british) latrine for igs.
 -- "An Alphabet for Mountaineers", Climbing 1982
%%
Igloo [n], Material used to keep an ig from falling apart.
%%
Ignisecond, n.:
       The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
door even as the brain is saying, my keys are in there!
 -- Rich Hall, Sniglets
%%
IGNORAMUS, n.  A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge
familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know
nothing about.

    Dumble was an ignoramus,
    Mumble was for learning famous.
    Mumble said one day to Dumble:
    "Ignorance should be more humble.
    Not a spark have you of knowledge
    That was got in any college."
    Dumble said to Mumble:  "Truly
    You're self-satisfied unduly.
    Of things in college I'm denied
    A knowledge -- you of all beside."
                                                               Borelli
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ignoramus: Someone who doesn't know what any idiot can tell you without
 even so much as a thought, which you learned yesterday, after six tutorial
 lessons.
%%
Ignorance always allows that from it a crop of fear may be reaped easily.
%%
Ignorance and superstition ever bear a close mathematical relation to each
other.
%%
Ignorance can be cured.  Stupid is forever.
%%
Ignorance is a *fault*, not an excuse.
%%
Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune
 -- Nicholas Ling
%%
Ignorance is bliss, but it will NEVER replace sex.
%%
Ignorance is bliss
 -- RDT student after a physics lecture on Electricity & Magnetism
%%
Ignorance is bliss... so life's great if you are ignorant.
%%
Ignorance is king, many would not prosper by its abdication.
 -- A Canticle for Leibowitz
%%
Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday,
it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
 -- Franklin K. Dane
%%
Ignorance is no excuse.
%%
Ignorance is not always Bliss!
%%
Ignorance is NOT bliss; fortunately sometimes I get paid for it.
%%
Ignorance is not bliss -- it's oblivion.
 -- Phillip Wylie
%%
Ignorance isn't bliss when it comes to your tax dollars.
%%
Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less remote from the truth who
believes nothing, than he who believes what is wrong.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia
%%
Ignorance is Strength - Big Sister is Watching You!
%%
Ignorance is temporary. Stupidity lasts forever!!!
%%
Ignorance is the ally of deception.
%%
Ignorance is the mother of Adventure.
 -- Hagar the Horrible
%%
Ignorance is the opiate of the poor, a cordial, administered by the
gracious hand of providence.
%%
Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows.
 -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899)
%%
Ignorance is where learning begins...
%%
Ignorance kills daily.
%%
Ignorance leads to Indulgence.
%%
Ignorance of one's ignorance is the greatest ignorance.
%%
Ignorance of the law excuses no man; not that all men know the law,
but because 't is an excuse every man will plead, and no man can tell
how to refute him.
 -- John Selden (1584-1654)
 -- Law
%%
Ignorance of the law is no defense, and since
they'll never tell you what the law is, you're defenseless.
Every business must pay protection money to lawyers.
 -- Nicholas von Hoffman
%%
Ignorance plays the chief part among men, and the multitude of words;
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Cleobulus, iv
%%
Ignorance SHOULD be painful !
%%
Ignorance simplifies ANY problem.
 -- R. Lucke
%%
Ignorance transcends architecture.
 -- James Gaskin
%%
Ignorance: When you don't know something and somebody finds it out.
 -- Jethro Burns
%%
Ignore alien orders.
%%
Ignore any lines above this one - we are having problems with our mailer.
%%
Ignore it.  Maybe it'll go away.
%%
Ignore me... I'm just here for my looks!
%%
I)gnore, R)eboot, or C)all Laura Palmer
%%
(I)gnore (R)etry (A)bort (M)eltdown
%%
Ignore the last few lines, the writer's a musician!
%%
Ignore the man behind the screen.
%%
Ignore the message: 'ld warning: file /tmp/kernAAAa06386 has no relocation
information' if it appears.
%%
Ignore your teeth and they'll go away!
%%
I go back to the top of the stack, and do it again!
 -- Helter Skelter! L&M
%%
I gobbled a dry martini and hurried back through the reed curtain to
the dining room.
The eighty-five cent dinner tasted like a discarded mail-bag and was
served to me by a waiter who looked as if he would slug me for a
quarter, cut my throat for six bits and bury me at sea in a barrel of
comcrete for a dollar and a half plus sales tax.
 -- Raymond Chandler
%%
IGO: Increment Grade Overnight
%%
I golf, therefore I swear
%%
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
I got a 486DX2/66 for my girlfriend - What a deal!
%%
I got a Braille Playboy and it sure felt good.
%%
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.  I got a spellchecker
and I can't write without it anymore.  I got a blowdryer and now my
hair won't dry on its own.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a dollar bill to
 everybody on the list.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I got a friend who is not very kind to pets. He has a pet--he rubs its face
 in it, hits it with a belt--and that could kill a parakeet!
 -- Andy Andrews
%%
I got a funny feeling they've got plastic in the after-life.
 -- Beck
%%
I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I got a job as a short-order cook. I was cooking a chicken on the
 rotisserie, I was turning the wheel and I was singing "Arrivederci, Roma,"
 and a drunk came by and he said, "You got a nice voice but your monkey's on
 fire."
 -- London Lee
%%
I got a job--looking for one. I been out of work so long I forgot what kind
 of work I'm out of.
 -- Robin Harris
%%
I got a Mac-10 for officer Wind,
 Damn his devil ass
 Need to be shipped back to Kansas,
 In a casket, crew-cut faggot,
 Now he ain't nothin' but
 Food for the maggots.....
 -- Ice Cube, We Had to Tear this Mothafucka Up
%%
I got a mind like a steel trap.  It's rusty & illegal in 19 states.
%%
I got a Motie in my eye.
%%
I got an aunt named Minnie. Weighs 264. When she sits on the chair there's
 so much of her there--most of her sits on the floor.
 --  Morey Amsterdam
%%
I got a new phone.  Plugged it in.  Pushed REDIAL.  It freaked out.
%%
I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one.
It wasn't doing what I was doing.  I tried to DRAW my shadow once,
but I couldn't ... my arm kept moving.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I got an HT for my wife... Good trade!
%%
I got a question for ya.  Ya got a minute?
 -- two programmers passing in the hall
%%
I got arrested for going 14400 in a 2400 zone!
%%
I got arrested the other day... For scalping
 the low numbers at the deli counter.
%%
I got a ticket the other day...I pleaded insanity. The judge asked me why,
 and I asked him, 'would any sane person park in the passing lane?'

 I asked, 'Judge, nice day, isn't it?'

 He said yes. I told him, 'no further questions, your honor'
%%
I got a used gun for my wife, pretty good trade , huh ?
%%
I got a wonderful tribute at the airport. They fired twenty-one shots in
 the air in my honor. Course, it would've been nicer if they'd waited for
 the plane to land ... On champagne flights, some stewardesses serve too
 much. Once I got on as a passenger and got off as luggage.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
I got bread and butter, I got toast and jam ...
%%
I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. It's either very new cheese or
 very old meat.
 -- Neil Simon (The Odd Couple)
%%
I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet.
    Now why didn't I think of that?
 -- Post Bros. Comics
%%
I got everything but the part after "Now listen closely".
%%
I got fired from my job as an M&M proof reader, I kept eating the W&W.
%%
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm gonna use it.
 -- Stephen Wright
%%
i got gum .. I GOT LICORICE .. i got chocolate .. I GOT AN APPLE
...... i got a rock
%%
I got hit by a Volkswagen--and had to go to the hospital to have it
 removed.
 -- Pat McCormick
%%
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop
 the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll be sorry."  He said, "Oh, yeah?
 Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
[I got into law school] through an experimental Indiana University program
intended to offer 'equal opportunity' to minorities, the economically
disadvantaged and other students of different viewpoints and backgrounds.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I got lost in the time vortex.   The TARDIS brought me home.
 -- Doctor (Pertwee), PLANET OF THE SPIDERS
%%
I got mercury poisoning, it's fatal & it don't get better...
%%
I got my brain on hype.
 Tonight'll be your night.
 I got this long-assed knife,
 And your neck looks just right.
 -- Body Count "Cop Killer"
%%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when
I get pulled over, the cop looks at it, moves it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly, and says, 'Here, you can go.'
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I got my line noise cheaper through Optus!
%%
I got my mojo wholesale.
%%
I got no prob with "Bob"
%%
I got out of bed for *this*?
%%
I go to work to catch up on my sleep....
%%
I got real close to seeing Elvis, but then my shovel broke.
%%
I got so excited, I couldn't hold my oil!
%%
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
 -- Emo Philips
%%
I got somthin' to say - It's better to burn out than to fade away.....
 -- Def Leppard
%%
I gotta go - I'm expecting another call from you any minute.
 -- SLR
%%
I gotta me a lobotomy.
%%
...I got the blackbelt, you got the gun
let's team up tonight, and have some fun...
%%
I got the feeling my baby don't live here no more.
 -- Hendrix.
%%
I got this computer for my wife... WHAT A TRADE!
%%
I got through a number of things in the area of defense, like showing the
importance of cruise missiles and getting them more accurate so that we can
have precise precision.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle referring to his legislative accomplishments.
 -- (reported in The NY Times 8/26/88)
%%
I got up early today so as to have even more time to enjoy myself.
%%
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
 said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
 They're behind the couch."  And they were!
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I got you in a stranglehold,baby,then I crushed your face.
%%
I graduwated from a publik skool!
%%
I grew up Catholic.  Then I grew up.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I grew up on a big farm. Last time I was home visiting my folks I delivered
 a calf. I tell ya, I feel so much thinner now.
 -- Henriette Mantel
%%
I grew up on Mt. Everest and everything's been downhill since.
%%
I grow daily to honor facts more and more, and theory less and less.
A fact, it seems to me, is a great thing - a sentence printed, if
not by God, then at least by the Devil.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) Scottish historian
 -- Letter to R. W. Emmerson (April 29, 1836)
%%
I guess a cynic smells different.
%%
I guess I began to doubt the existence of God after I had been married
 about three years.
 -- Brian Savage
%%
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I
ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.  No, I didn't.  Just
kidding.  I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions,
which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill
someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity,
as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I guess it was all a DREAM..  or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other.
 I myself have been guilty of this.  When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and
 drove it out into the desert and set it on fire.  When the police showed up, I
 just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."  Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.  We called him Uncle
 Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us.
 Later on we found out he was a bear.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all
day has rattled my good manners...
 -- Bloom County
%%
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me
 to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
"I guess the joke's on me," she said.
%%
I guess the rule is, if something's too good to be true, then it's
 probably too good to be true.
 -- Marshall, The ATM Machine, Eerie Indiana
%%
I guess we all know who's the real wizard under the sheets.
 -- David Duke, referring to Bill Clinton and Gennifer
  Flowers
%%
I guess we were all guilty, in a way.  We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I guess you just have to design carefully when you get near the edge.
 -- Hugh LaMaster ([e-mail])
%%
I guess you'll have to ask the details to the management, I am here.
The Governor and I are announcing this today. It was just signed off on
by the Secretary of Defense as something that we have been monitoring,
and the Governor obviously has been very involved in this. And we're
making this announcement today.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a factory near Detroit
                  in August, 1992, showing just how familiar he was
                  with the details of a $300 million plan to upgrade the
                  Army's M-1 tanks.  (reported in the NY Times 10/7/92)
%%
I guess you say that about most things in life; it isn't so bad as
long as you can keep the fear from your mind.
 -- Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks)
%%
I hacked mainframes before there were pc's!
%%
I had a big New Year's Eve--they tell me. But New Year's Eve is a lot of
 fun. We had a big New Year's Eve party. We didn't like our furniture
 anyway. It was eighteenth-century Provincial. Now it's twentieth-century
 splinters. I invited Les Brown and the band over. We don't like our
 neighbors either. I invited the brass section too. We don't even like
 ourselves.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
I had a boyfriend like that once...
%%
I had a brand-new Mercury. I loaned it to my brother last week. I said,
 "Treat it as if it was your own." He sold it.
 -- Jimmy Edmondson (Professor Backwards)
%%
I had absolutely no knowledge of any corruption in the Queensland
Police Force.
 -- Ex Qld Police Commissioner, Sir Terrence Lewis, 3/7/89
%%
I had a cat once - tasted like chicken.
%%
I had a dislocated funny bone, <*OUCH*> but it's better now.
%%
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had a dream which was not all a dream.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Darkness
%%
I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends went to the
 funeral in one car.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had a general anesthetic. That's so weird. You go to sleep in one room,
 then you wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like
 college.
 -- Ross Shafer
%%
I had a girlfriend like that once...
%%
I had a great time.  It was like the Nuremburg Trials.
 -- Woody Allen, Hannah and her Sisters
%%
I had a handle on life ... then it fell off!
%%
I had a hat. It was not all a hat,--
Part of the brim was gone:
Yet still I wore it on.
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- Rhine Song of the German Soldiers after Victory
%%
I had a hunch something like this would happen.
 -- Written on grave
%%
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I had a life once, but now I have a kid.
%%
I had a life once... but now I have a modem.
%%
I Had A Life Once, Now I Have A Computer.
%%
I had amnesia once or twice.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I had a normal childhood, but I overcame it.
%%
I had another bad hair day today. The government was in it.
%%
I had an unusual case of crabs. Most people get that from someone else who
 has it already. I got it directly from a crabmeat cocktail.
 -- Ed Bluestone
%%
I had a regular battle with the dunghill-cock.
 -- Plautus (254-184 BC)
 -- Aulularia, Act iii, Sc. 4, 13, (472.)
%%
I had a soul above buttons.
 -- George Colman, the Younger (1762-1836)
 -- Sylvester Daggerwood, or New Hay at the Old Market, Sc. 1
%%
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed
 teachers.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I had a thought, and I lost it.. nothing new.
%%
I had a thought once, but it died of lonliness.
%%
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in
 nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
 -- Don Adams
%%
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I had been learning to drive with power steering, I turned the wheel to
 what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
 in the opposite direction.
%%
I had fried mozzarella cheese. Deep-fried cheese. Oh, there's a
 cardiovascular dream come true. The cheese doesn't have enough fat--let's
 give it a cholesterol Jacuzzi! '
 -- Rick Corso
%%
I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
 Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had injured my hamstring playing football and was having difficulty
sitting, he said to me
  "What's the matter - have hormones?"
%%
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had most need of blessing, and "Amen"
Stuck in my throat.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
I had my car's alignment checked.  It's chaotic evil!
%%
I had my coathangers spayed.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had my head examined.  They didn't find *anything*!
%%
I had no desire to be involved in the music business, but I saw that Jerry
 Brandt, who was the head of the music department at William Morris, had a
 limousine, and he was hanging out with Mick Jagger. I asked him, "Jerry,
 how do you get a limo?" He said, "Schmuck, you're twenty-four years old. Do
 you think Norman Jewison is going to sign with you? Does Irene Dunne want
 you to be her agent? You better get into the music business with people
 your own age." I thought that was the best advice I'd ever heard, and
 that's how I got into the music business.
 -- David Geffen
%%
I had not time to lick it into form, as a bear doth her young ones.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Democritus to the Reader
%%
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
 When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
I had rather be a dog, and bay the moon,
Than such a Roman.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
I had rather be a kitten and cry mew
Than one of these same metre ballad-mongers.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I had rather believe all the fables in the legends and the Talmud
and the Alcoran, than that this universal frame is without a mind.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Atheism
%%
I had rather have a fool to make me merry than experience to make me sad.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I had some morals, but I gave them away.
 -- Liberal motto
%%
I had some morals, luckily, I got my money back.
%%
I had some morals; sold them for money.
 -- Republican Motto
%%
I had the chance to go to London a couple of months back. Had kind of a
 weird flight over there, though, 'cause one of the flight attendants got
 very angry with me. I didn't eat all of my dinner. She said, "Sir, you
 really shouldn't waste all that food. There are people starving on
 Air-India."
 -- Tim Kavanagh
%%
I had the worst study habits ... the lowest grades ... then I found out
 what I was doing wrong. I had been highlighting with a black Magic Marker.
 -- Jeff Altman
%%
I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school
summer camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to her, right.
And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
noise.  She didn't think men were better than machines.
 -- Lister in Red Dwarf 'Queeg'
%%
I had time to read mail before I wrote a mail reader...
%%
I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!
 -- Mary Lou Bax
%%
I had to face my fear.   That was more important than just going
on living.
 -- Jon Pertwee's Doctor, PLANET OF THE SPIDERS
%%
I had to go on two diets.  One didn't give me enough food.
 -- Barry Marder
%%
I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex,
 which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is
 preposterous. My father doesn't even want to sleep with my mother.
 -- Dennis Wolfberg
%%
I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
%%
I had to move to New York for health reasons. I'm extremely paranoid and
 New York is the only place my fears are justified.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
I had too much to dream last night.
 -- Electric Prunes
%%
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I had to take Dramamine just to keep eye contact with her.
 -- John Riggi
%%
"I had to work fast.  If that writer guy wouldn't change the script,
 I'd have to do it myself."
 -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
"I had two heart attacks before I bought this exercise bicycle."
"And since then?"
"I've had two more."
 -- Woody Allen, "Stardust Memories"
%%
I had written to Aunt Maud, who was on a trip abroad.
 When I heard she'd died of cramp, just too late to save the stamp.
 -- Harry Graham
%%
I hang around where the grass is greener...
%%
I happen to be a Republican president...aah... vice president.
 -- American Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek 4/9/90)
%%
I hardly know so true a mark of a little mind as the servile imitation
of another.
 -- Greville
%%
I HATE arbitrary limits, especially when they're small.
 -- Stephen Savitzky
%%
I hate blind dates, but a friend says he could set me up, so I said,
 "Okay." But you should have seen this girl. It was like she hadn't taken a
 bath in a month. She was so dirty that somebody had written "wash me"
 across her forehead.
 -- Bob Zany
%%
I hate Bloody taglines
%%
I hate California. The trouble out here is that people you go out to eat
 with make you feel like scum. By eating healthy food! I usually order
 something New Yorky. Like "Give me a bacon cheeseburger and a plate of
 cigarettes." Then the guy with me goes, "Oh, I'll just have a Perrier and a
 motivational cassette."
 -- Richard Jeni
%%
I hate corporations.
%%
I hate discount stores. They're all deceptive. The way they advertise is
 misleading. I spotted a sign, three o'clock in the morning. This is what
 the sign said: "Stereo system, three-speaker, stereophonic record player,
 hi-fi tape recorder, $17, first come first served."

 Now, I spotted that sign at three o'clock in the morning--so I parked the
 car right in front of the store all night. The doors open at 10 a.m. I'm
 the first one in the store. I said, "Let me have that thing for seventeen
 dollars." The guy says, "We sold it." I said, "To who?" He said, "To the
 night watchman."
 -- Bob Melvin
%%
I HATE DOOM, DOOM II IS AN OPTION BUT!!
%%
I hated PKZIP 2.04c before you did.
%%
I hated Rush Limbaugh -- until I got my lobotomy.
%%
I hate emergency vehicles.  All the names are backwards.
%%
I Hate Fighting: Boris Hell
%%
I hate flashbacks!  I hate flashbacks!  I hate flashbacks!  I hate...
%%
I hate hexa taglines!
%%
I **HATE** Illinois Nazis!
 -- Elwood Blues
%%
 I hate Illinois nazis.

 We did have a band pow'rfull 'nuff to turn goat piss into gasoline.
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
 going to be up all night.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I hate it when people call me paranoid. It makes me feel persecuted.
%%
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,
 because it could hurt his feelings.  So instead, I call it a "speech
 improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech
 improvement."  I think this makes him feel better.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
"I hate it when them foreigners can't speak English good."
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I hate laundry month.
%%
I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't
 interest me.
 -- Chris Rapier
%%
>I hate "me too" postings.
Me too.
 -- Steve Lamont writes
 -- Charleen Stoner, [e-mail]
%%
I hate Microsoft. Bill Gates is the Great Satan.  IMHO.
%%
I Hate Monday Mornings: Gaetan Oop
%%
I hate my modem.
%%
I hate myself to sleep at night.
%%
I hate nobody: I am in charity with the world.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue i
%%
I hate paranoid people, they're everywhere!
%%
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs -- like customs officials.
%%
I hate prejudiced people.
%%
I hate self-referencing tag lines, like this one...
%%
I hate sendmail.
%%
I hate sheep!
 -- A True Kiwi!
%%
I _hate_ shrinkwrap!
%%
I hate singles bars. Guys come up to me and say, "Hey, cupcake, can I buy
 you a drink?" I say, "No, but I'll take the three bucks."
 -- Margaret Smith
%%
I hate skinny women, especially when they say things like "Sometimes I
 forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my mother's maiden name, and my keys,
 but you've got to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
 -- Marsha Warfield
%%
"I hate snakes!  I hate 'em!!"
"C'mon!  Show a little backbone, will ya?"
 -- Raiders of the Lost Ark
%%
I HATE Solaris 2.  I hate SOLARIS 2. _I_ hate Solaris 2.  I hate Solaris _2_.
 15 years of finger macros to unlearn.
%%
"I hate Solar Power" by Gladys Knight
%%
I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop
eating peanuts.
 -- Orson Welles
%%
I hate that aesthetic game of the eye and the mind, played by these
connoisseurs, these mandarins who "appreciate" beauty. What is beauty,
anyway? There's no such thing. I never "appreciate," any more than
I "like." I love or I hate.
 -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
 -- Quoted in Francoise Gilot and Carlton Lake, Life with Picasso,
pt. 6 (1964)
%%
I hate the day, because it lendeth light
To see all things, but not my love to see.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- Daphnaida, v, 407
%%
I hate the idea of causes, and if I had to choose between betraying my
country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to
betray my country.
 -- E. M. Forster, Two Cheers for Democracy
%%
"I hate the itching.  But I don't mind the swelling."
 -- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?"
 -- that David Letterman's trying to get everyone to start saying
%%
I hate the outdoors.  To me the outdoors is where the car is.
 -- Will Durst
%%
I hate these `[0;1;5;34;44mBLINKING`[0m taglines!!
%%
I hate the subway. And these guys begging for spare change. They come
 around with their hand out yelling, "Spare a quarter!" They say they can't
 work, so they go, "Spare a quarter, spare a quarter." I've got the
 solution: Make 'em tollbooth clerks.
 -- Ron Smith
%%
I hate this eternal revenue tax!  uh... that's INTERNAL revenue tax...
%%
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson
%%
I hate to agree with Tim Maroney on anything, but I guess this latest is
 an example of the fact that even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
 -- Lee Lady, [e-mail]
%%
I hate to be indiscreet, but who's the father?!
 -- Riker to Troi, "The Child", stardate 42073.1
%%
I hate to blow my own horn, but 'Beep Beep.'
%%
I hate to mention things like this in this feature, but it is one of the
 more pressing problems in America today, and that is the lack of
 tap-dancers in the Miss America contest.
%%
I hate to spread rumors, but what else can one do with them?
 -- Amanda Lear
%%
I hate to think about the past.  It just brings back so many memories!
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I hate Victor Hugo, said Les miserably.
%%
I hate women because they always know where things are.
 -- James Thurber
%%
I hate you. Where's a tree? let's all go and hang Barney!
%%
I hate you, You hate me, I will kill your family.
 -- Barney of Borg
%%
I hate you, you hate me.  Let's all go and kill Barney!
%%
I hate you, you hate me, we're a disfunctional family...
%%
I have 100 GB of software, All on 360K floppies!
%%
I have .25 Clusters per Sector.
%%
I have a 14400 bps modem and 1.8 bps fingers.
%%
I have a black belt in haiku.
%%
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have a chocolate chip in MY computer.
%%
I have a condom, can I get a third degree?
%%
I have a congenital aversion to failure.
%%
I have a crank to start my car. She drives me to work,too.
%%
I have a cunning plan
 -- Baldric from BlackAdder (I - IV)
%%
I have a cunning plan, sir.
Hoorah! Well, that's that, then.
 -- Baldrick and George : Ink and Incapability
%%
I have a cunning plan to get us out of being killed, sir.
Oh yes? What is it?
Cooking...
I see. (moves off)
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
 California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
 -- Shecky Greene
%%
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
%%
I have a dirty mind, I mud wrestle with my conscience.
%%
I have a discussion topic I'd like to throw on the floor.
%%
I have a dream...  DIR C:>

....
   "99,934,843,928,281 Bytes Free"
%%
I have a dream that my four little children
 will one day live in a nation
 where they will not be judged
 by the color of their skin,
 but byt the content of their character.
 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
I have a drink problem, I can't afford it.
%%
I have a feeling that at any time about three million Americans can
be had for any militant reaction against law, decency, the Constitution,
the Supreme Court, compassion and the rule of reason.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
I have a few good reasons for drinking
And one has just entered my head
If a man can't drink when he's living
How the hell can he drink when he's dead?
%%
I have a fine sense of ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
 -- Edward Albee
%%
I have a firm grip on reality--by the throat.
%%
I have a friend named Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis.
 He's a midget dwarf... He's the guy who poses for trophies.
%%
I have a friend who is so stupid that he tried to enter the
1-900-SPELLIT contest, but he kept getting the wrong number.
%%
I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the people
 there are hungry for information about the West.   He was asked about many
 things, but I will give you two examples that are very revealing about life in
 the Soviet Union.  The first question he was asked was if we had exploding
 television sets.  You see, they have a problem with the picture tubes on color
 television sets, and many are exploding.  They assumed we must be having
 problems with them too.  The other question he was asked often was why the
 CIA had killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a
 few years ago; their propaganda is very effective.
 -- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   Defense Electronics, Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%%
I have a friend who's a billionaire.  He invented Cliff notes.  When I
asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, 'Well first I.....I just....
to make a long story short...'
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You must have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
 -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
I have a good eye, uncle; I can see a church by day-light.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
 eat it with naked fat people.
 -- Ed Bluestone
%%
I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination.
 Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.
 -- Jimi Celeste
%%
I have a great memory...it's just a little short.
%%
I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.
%%
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen
some of it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have a kind of alacrity in sinking.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act iii, Sc. 5
%%
I have a life outside the FIDOnet.
 -- FIDO lie  #II
%%
I have a list, they will never be missed ...
%%
I have all the information I need for my report, your prisoner has been
  returned to you, and you have a decision to make. Whether to try and
  force them back or welcome them home. In your own words, this is not
  our affair. We cannot interfere in the natural course of your society's
  development. And I'd say its going to develop significantly in the next
  few minutes.
 -- Picard to Nayrok, "The Hunted", stardate 43489.2
%%
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
sacrifice my wife's brother.
 -- Artemus Ward
%%
I have already not made that point.
%%
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
%%
I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born.
 -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
%%
I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result
if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if
we sent the right man to fill the right place.
 -- Austen H. Layard (1817-1894)
 -- Speech in Parliament, Jan. 15, 1855
%%
I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
 -- Jorge Luis Borges
%%
I have always taken the tips of my fingers for the beginning of her hair
 -- Edmond Jabes
%%
I have always thought in the back of my mind, cheese and onions.
 -- The Rutles
%%
I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters
of their thoughts.
 -- John Locke
%%
I have always wondered way they always refer to toilet paper as facial
 quality.  I am not going to use it on my face, (although there are
 some who think I do anyway!).
%%
I have a magnetic personality - keep me away from diskettes.
%%
I have a map of the United States...actual size.  It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1
 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
 world.  I hardly ever unroll it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have a message from Baron von Richtoffen, the greatest living
  German.
Which considering his competition consists entirely of very fat
  men in leather shorts belching to the tune of 'She'll be Coming
  Round the Mountain', is no great achievement.
 -- German and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
 of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have a mind like a steel trap; whatever goes in gets
crushed and mangled!
%%
I have an ANSI.SYS, and an ANSI.BRO as well
%%
I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.  But leave a
 message and I'll call when I'm out."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
%%
"I have an Aunt in Long Island whos crazier than she is.
She's president of the P.T.A."
 -- Nuts
%%
"I have an awesome sex drive--problem is, I can't get out of park!"
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I have a newspaper clipping at home where a guy breaks into the home
of a bedridden, invalid old lady.  She is powerless to resist him, but
when he comes into her bedroom he becomes intrigued by the cluster of
medicine bottles on her bedside table.  He then starts sampling at
random, eventually becomes sleepy, lays down on the floor at the foot
of the woman's bed and still asleep when the cops show up.
%%
I have a new strategy, Artoo.  Let the Wookie win.
 -- C3P0 (Star Wars)
%%
I have an existential map.  It has 'You are here' written all over it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have an exposition of sleep come upon me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I have an interesting structuring of my words way.
%%
I have answered three questions and that is enough --
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!
%%
I have an understanding with my local police--I have
them outgunned, but they have me outnumbered
%%
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
I have a photogenic memory.
%%
I have a photogenic memory.
          -as opposed to photographic.  When this was first told to me, I
could have sworn he'd said photogenic member, but apparently I misheard.
%%
I have a photographic memory, but I keep forgetting to put the film in.
 Peter Campbell
%%
I have a photographic memory. What's your name again???
%%
I have a photographic mind...it never developed.
%%
I have a really good memory, except it's short.
%%
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
 -- Richard Diran
%%
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty.    Empty what's full.
  Scratch where it itches.
 -- A. R. Longworth
%%
I have a soul that like an ample shield
Can take in all, and verge enough for more.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Don Sebastian, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I have a speech impediment....my foot!!!
%%
I have a SPONGE that's drier behind the ears than you are!
%%
I have a strange team.
 -- Charlie Brown
%%
I have a stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stu-stutter!
%%
   I have a suspicion, but it's too horrible to think about.
    Doctor, State of Decay
%%
I have a talent for idleness which is tragically wasted
by my working here
%%
I have a theory that the truth is never told during the 9 to 5 hours.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson
%%
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have a very firm grasp on reality!   I can reach out and strangle it
any time!
%%
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have a very strange feeling about this.
%%
I have a very strong record on the Environment in the United States
Senate.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
..  I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have a watch cat! Just break in and she'll watch.
%%
I have bad luck with plants. I bought me a philodendron ... and I put it in
 the kitchen and it drank my soup.
 -- Joan Rivers
%%
I have become Death, the Shatterer of Worlds.
%%
I have been asked to put something in here that touches us all. While my
 intentions may be the very best, it is quite unfortunate that I know next
 to nothing about toilet paper.
%%
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
 in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
 most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
 baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
 fricassee, or a ragout.
 -- Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal"
%%
I have been a stranger in a strange land.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Exodus ii, 22
%%
I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better.
 -- Sophie Tucker
%%
I have been there, and still would go;
'T is like a little heaven below.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xxviii
%%
I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican
 friends...that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we
 will stop telling the truth about them.
 -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxxvii, 25
%%
I have bought
Golden opinions from all sorts of people.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act i, Sc. 7
%%
I have brought you gifts and dominions beyond your wildest dreams...
...Are you sure? Well, I have some pretty wild dreams, you know. I'm
  not sure what they mean, but the other day there was this enormous
  tree...and I was sitting right on top of it...
(quietly) Ma'am.
...and then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll...
(quietly) ...Majesty...
 -- Raleigh, Queenie and Melchett : Potato
%%
I have bungee fever and there's only one
cure....BOING....
%%
I have but one claw, but beware! -- Batty
%%
I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp
of experience. I know no way of judging of the future but by the past.
 -- Patrick Henry (1736-1799)
 -- Speech in the Virginia Convention, March 1775
%%
I have but three enemies: fear, anger, ignorance.
%%
I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful,
is preserved, by the term Natural Selection.
 -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
 -- The Origin of Species, Chap. iii
%%
I have Canary fever..but it's tweetable.
%%
I have charts and graphs that prove I'm right.
%%
I have come here to kick ascii.
%%
I have come to the conclusion that I am not in good enough shape at the
 present time to get in shape for the future right now.
%%
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace,
 that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress.
 -- John Adams, (1735-1826) in 1776
%%
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to
be left to the politicians.
 -- Charles DeGaulle
%%
I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
 -- Dave Barry, The Wonders of Sharks on TV
%%
I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain thee.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Kings xvii, 9
%%
I have considered the pension list of the republic a roll of honor.
 -- Grover Cleveland (1837-1908)
 -- Veto of Dependent Pension Bill, July 5, 1888
%%
I have decided that suicide is completely out of the question.  I
refuse to end the suffering of others... No, I must contemplate homicide
and end the suffering of one... ME!!!
%%
I have decided that we shall stay here.
 -- C3P0 (Star Wars)
%%
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being
 unable to sit still in a room.
 -- Blaise Pascal
%%
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me.
 -- Camillo Di Cavour
%%
I have discovered the heart of bushido: to die!
 -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo
%%
I have done the state some service, and they know 't.
No more of that. I pray you, in your letters,
When you shall these unlucky deeds relate,
Speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate,
Nor set down aught in malice. Then, must you speak
Of one that loved not wisely but too well;
Of one not easily jealous, but being wrought
Perplex'd in the extreme; of one whose hand,
Like the base Indian, threw a pearl away
Richer than all his tribe; of one whose subdued eyes,
Albeit unused to the melting mood,
Drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees
Their medicinal gum.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I have doubts about my health club. The locker room has a smoking and a
 non-smoking section.
 -- Ellen Orchid
%%
I have dynamic memory, it needs constant refreshing...
%%
I have eaten the plums
 that were in the icebox
         And which you were probably saving
         for breakfast.
                 Forgive me.
                 They were delicious.  So sweet
                 and so cold.
 -- William Carlos Williams, 1934, _This is Just to Say_
%%
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
 something.
 -- Jackie Mason
%%
I have enough trouble single-tasking!
%%
I have ESP, PMS and a GUN, don't even think about it.
%%
I have ever held it as a maxim, never to do that through another,
which it was possible for me to execute myself.
 -- Montesquieu
%%
I have ever loved to repose myself, whether sitting or lying, with
my heels as high or higher than my head.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. xiii
%%
I have everything now I had 20 years ago, except now it's all lower.
 -- Gypsy Rose Lee (1914-19970)
%%
I have everything, yet have nothing; and although I possess nothing,
still of nothing am I in want.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2, 12, (243.)
%%
I have fallen in love with all sorts of girls and I fully intend to go on
 doing so.
%%
I have fed like a farmer: I shall grow as fat as a porpoise.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
"I have feelings too - like "My stomach hurts" or "I'm going crazy!"
 -- Homer to Lisa in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons
%%
I have five dollars for each of you.
 -- Bernhard Goetz
%%
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.
 -- New Testament
 -- 2 Timothy iv, 7
%%
I have found a wonderful proof, but this fortune is too small to contain it.
%%
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility
and to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the
help of the woman I love.
 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor
%%
I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience
most of them, on the whole, are trash.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
I have found out a gift for my fair;
I have found where the wood-pigeons breed.
 -- William Shenstone (1714-1763)
 -- A Pastoral, Part i
%%
I have found power in the mysteries of thought.
 Euripides
%%
    I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for
remaining at the bottom simply by looking at the men at the
top.
 -- Frank Moore Colby
%%
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find
out what they want and then advise them to do it.
 -- Harry S. Truman
%%
  I have from an early age abjured the use of meat, and the time will
    come when men will look upon the murder of animals as they now look
   upon the murder of men.
 -- Leonardo Da Vinci
%%
I have full diplomatic accesss.
%%
I have gained my experience.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I have given my pain a name..!!
%%
I have got a disk ache !
%%
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
 -- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)
%%
I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what dream it was.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I have had my labour for my travail.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Troilus and Cressida
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I have half a mind to give you a tagline!
%%
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
%%
I have heard a well-built woman compared in her motion to a ship under
 sail, yet I would advise no wise man to be her owner if her freight be
 nothing but what she carries between wind and water.
 -- Francis Osborne
 (advising his son not to marry a beautiful but poor girl)

 Never eat a heavily sugared doughnut before you go on TV.
 -- John Cheever (to his daughter Susan)
%%
I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine eye seeth thee.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Job xlii, 5
%%
I have heard of the Vulcan integrity and personal honor.  There is a
   well-known saying, or is it a myth, that Vulcans are incapable of lying.
 -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
%%
I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God has given you
one face, and you make yourselves another.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I have heard something said about allegiance to the South. I know
no South, no North, no East, no West, to which I owe any allegiance.
 -- Henry Clay (1777-1852)
 -- Speech, 1848
%%
I have heard the mavis singing
  Its love-song to the morn;
I 've seen the dew-drop clinging
  To the rose just newly born.
 -- Charles Jefferys (1807-1865)
 -- Mary of Argyle
%%
I have here only made a nosegay of culled flowers, and have brought
nothing of my own but the thread that ties them together.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. xii
%%
I have how many macros?!?
%%
I have
Immortal longings in me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I have invented rubber food for old people with time to kill.
 -- Pat McCormick
%%
I have just issued a "rm -rf *" on your behalf to a
  critical directory on a remote system of my own choosing.
%%
I have just learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's
wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way.   And second, let
her have it.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics.
 -- from The Graduate
%%
I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.   You
sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I
have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below.  Westbrook Pegler, a
guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.  You can take that as more
of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
 -- President Harry S Truman
%%
I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
 -- New Testament
 -- Philippians iv, 11
%%
I have learned the novice can often see things that the expert overlooks.
All that is necessary is not to be afraid of making mistakes, or of
appearing naive.
Abraham Maslow, Eupsychian Management
%%
I have learned this at least by my experiment: if one advances confidently in
the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he
will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
%%
I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes
and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom
and knowledge.
Igor Stravinsky
%%
I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on  Some people's
n'oeuvres.
 Warren Knox
%%
I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.
 -- Werhner von Braun
%%
I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant,
and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these
teachers.
 -- Kahlil Gibran
%%
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national
  emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
I have little experience of marriage myself,sir,having only been
married once.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
I have lived long enough to know what I did not at one time believe that no
society can be upheld in happiness and honor without the sentiment of religion.
 -- La Place
%%
I have lived some thirty years on this planet and I have yet to
hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from
my seniors.
 -- James Thurber
%%
I have looked on the hills of the stormy North,
And the larch has hung his tassels forth.
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- The Voice of Spring
%%
I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to
cross the street.
 -- Virginia Woolf
%%
I have made good judgments in the Past.
I have made good judgments in the Future.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have
never made one.
 -- James Gordon Bennett
%%
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have mark'd
A thousand blushing apparitions
To start into her face, a thousand innocent shames
In angel whiteness beat away those blushes.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.
 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%%
I have met so many good people that I have almost lost my faith in the
 wickedness of mankind. - Will Durant
%%
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your entire body!
%%
I have more information in one place than anybody in the world.
 -- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS
%%
I have more pipe dreams than an organist.
%%
I have more quotes than most people have BRAINS, proving SOMETHING.
%%
I have more than enough of almost everything.
%%
I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies
are my meditations.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxix, 99
%%
I have multiplied visions, and used similitudes.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Hosea viii, 10
%%
I have my cat's permission to use the computer.
%%
I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.
 -- Samuel Beckett, The Unnameable
%%
I have my portfolio managed by Dionne Warrick.
%%
I have my wedding to prepare, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it.
I'm swamped.
 -- Prince Humperdink, "The Princess Bride", movie
%%
I have my wife on a 4 year lease with an option to buy.
%%
I have never been able to understand why it is that just because
I am unintelligible nobody can understand me.
 -- Milton Mayer
%%
I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
 -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
I have never done any 4000ers in Colorado.  Maybe when I am
 60 I will come back and do them.
 -- Reinhold Messner
%%
I have never found, in a long experience of politics, that
criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
 -- Harold MacMillan
%%
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
I have never loved anyone of love's sake, except, perhaps,
Josephine - a little.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord,
 make my enemies ridiculous."  And God granted it.
 -- Voltaire
%%
I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something
  from him.
 -- Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)
%%
I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. xi
%%
I have never taken things on trust. I see no reason to
make an exception in the case of a mysterious area of
danger
 -- Avon
%%
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct
  answer to any question.
 -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
%%
I have never understood why it is necessary to become
irrational in order to prove that you care, or why it should
be necessary to prove it at all....
 -- Avon
%%
I have no doubt that in reality the future will be vastly more surprising
than anything I can imagine. Now my own suspicion is that the universe is
not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.
 -- J.B.S. Haldane, Possible Worlds and Other Papers
%%
I have no humility. It's a virtue, but I can live with
it
%%
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it well.
%%
I have no idea what that meant.  - Dot
%%
I have no life anymore, just a project.
%%
I have no luck. I have a ten-dollar check and the only guy who would cash
 it for me was a guy I owed nine dollars to.
 -- Gene Baylos
%%
I have no mouth, and I must burp.
%%
I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
I have no power, only responsibility.
%%
I HAVE no powers. Q, the ordinary.
"Q, the liar. Q, the misanthrope."
Q, the miserable. Q, the desperate. What must I do to convince you people?
'Die.'
Oh, very clever Worf. Eat any good books lately?
 -- Q, Picard, and Worf, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I have no problem with God.  It's his fan clubs I hate.
%%
I have no problem with God.. it's his pushy followers I can't stand!!
%%
I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to
interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists.
I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do
so.
 -- Abraham Lincoln, First Inaugural Address, 1861
%%
I have no talents.  I have genius or nothing.  But all
genius is distorted, even my own.
 -- Nero Wolfe
%%
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
%%
I have nothing to declare except my own genius.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
I have nothing to say, but I can say it loudly.
%%
I have no time for monks resisting the carnival.
 -- Confucius Says
%%
I have not kept my square; but that to come
Shall all be done by the rule.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Antony and Cleopatra
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
I have not lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere.
%%
I have not loved the world, nor the world me.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 113
%%
I have not slept one wink.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'
 -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899)
%%
I have not yet begun to byte!
%%
I have no use for adventures.  They're nasty disturbing things that make
you late for dinner.
 -- Bilbo
%%
I haven't a clue as to how my story will end.  But that's all right.
 When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't
conclude that the road has vanished.
And how else could we discover the stars?
%%
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
 every day from Oral Roberts!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I haven't been wrong since 1969, when I was a mistake.
%%
I haven't cleaned in a while. I've got a messy house--a milk carton
 with a picture of the Lindbergh baby on it.
 -- Greg Ray
%%
I haven't committed a crime.  What I did was fail to comply with the law.
 -- David Dinkins (Mayor, New York City)
 -- Answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
%%
I haven't exactly lost it--it's been temporarily
mislaid
%%
I haven't gone by the name @FN@ since before you were born.
%%
I haven't got time to chat to undersecretaries, permanent or otherwise.
 -- Pertwee, DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS
%%
I haven't had sex in so long, I forget who gets tied up!
%%
I haven't killed anyone yet. Help me keep it that way.
%%
I haven't laughed so much since yesterday.
%%
I haven't lost it--it's been temporally mislaid
%%
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
%%
I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!
 -- Mike Nelson
%%
I haven't lost my mind, it's in the gutter right where I left it!
%%
I haven't lost my mind, it's right here in this jar.
%%
I haven't lost my mind, someone misplaced it.
%%
I haven't time to go chasing after him!  There's violence to be done!
 -- Monty Python
%%
"I have occasional memory lapses."
  "Oh, I get it.  You're a politician."
 -- A rather odd comparison: THE HULK and politicians.
 -- Script by Peter David.
%%
I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.
 -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
%%
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 1070
%%
I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in
 those days I might have chosen a career in music instead of politics.
 -- Richard Milhouse Nixon
%%
I have often wanted to vote for the best man, bnut so seldom have I found
 him listed among the candidates. The very best thing about the group that
 is usually listed is that only one of them can win.
%%
I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all
the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself
than on the opinions of others.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
%%
I have one of those real old American built cars.   The kind that just
PUNCHES through accidents.
 -- Kevin Rooney
%%
I have only myself to blame, I suppose. - Q
%%
I have only one complaint: Why can't we have longer tagli
%%
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always
 agree with them.
 -- George Bush
%%
I have other fish to fry.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. xxxv
%%
I have partaken of the Great Banquet of Life.  What I
need now is the Great Alka-Seltzer of Life.
%%
I have peppered two of them: two I am sure I have paid, two rogues
in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit
in my face; call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward: here I lay, and
thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me--
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians iii, 6
%%
I have PMS and a 9mm semi-automatic.  Any questions?
%%
I have PMS and a gun. Care to comment?
%%
I have PMS and a Handgun.  Any Questions?
%%
I have reached an age when I look just as good standing on my head as I do
 right side up.
 -- Frank Sullivan
%%
I have reached my Beer D/L limit, I must U/L now!
%%
I have read and understood the above. X_________________
%%
I have read somewhere or other,--in Dionysius of Halicarnassus, I
think,--that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
 -- Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751)
 -- On the Study and Use of History, Letter 2
%%
I have read their platform, and though I think there are some unsound
places in it, I can stand upon it pretty well. But I see nothing in
it both new and valuable. "What is valuable is not new, and what is
new is not valuable."
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Speech at Marshfield, Sept, 1, 1848, p. 433
%%
"I have read your article, Mr. Johnson, and I am no wiser now than when I
started."
"Possibly not, Sir, but far better informed."
%%
I have read your book and much like it.
 -- Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
%%
I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that
they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.
 -- Alan Watts
%%
I have REALLY gotta stop replyin' to tag-lines...
%%
I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world,
and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming
feature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
     I have repeatedly said that in my opinion the idea of a personal God is
     a childlike one, but I do not share the crusading spirit of
     the professional atheist whose fervor is mostly due to a painful act
     of liberation from the fetters of religious indoctrination received in
     youth.  I prefer an attitude of humility corresponding to the weakness of
     our intellectual understanding of nature and of our own being.
             ALBERT EINSTEIN
%%
I have seen soldiers panic at the first sight of battle, and a wounded
squire pulling arrows out from his wound to fight and save his dying
horse.  Nobility is not a birth right but is defined by one's action.
 -- Kevin Costner, Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, 1994
%%
I have seen the data...now bring me some I can agree with.
%%
I have seen the day of wrong through the little hole of discretion.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I have seen the evidence.  I want DIFFERENT evidence!
%%
--- I have seen the FUN ---
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
 -- Kehlog Albran, The Profit
%%
I have seen the future . . . and it works!
%%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
 ..  I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have set my life upon a cast,
And I will stand the hazard of the die:
I think there be six Richmonds in the field.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard III
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential
 eligibility.
 --    Paula Poundstone
%%
I have shot mine arrow o'er the house,
And hurt my brother.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only lock
 every other one. 'Cause I figure no matter how long somebody stands there,
 picks the locks, they're always locking three.
 -- Elayne Boosler
%%
I have something BETTER than chocolate.
 Riker
%%
I have somewhere seen it observed, that we should make the same use
of a book that the bee does of a flower: she steals sweets from it,
but does not harm it.
 -- Colton
%%
I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again?  I have washed my feet;
must I soil them again?
When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole, my bowels stirred
within me [my bowels were moved for him (KJV)].
When I arose to open for my beloved, my hands dripped with myrrh; the liquid
myrrh from my fingers ran over the knobs of the bolt.  With my own hands I
opened to my love, but my love had turned away and gone by; my heart sank when
he turned his back.  I sought him but I did not find him, I called him but he
did not answer.
The watchmen, going the rounds of the city, met me; they struck me and
  wounded me; the watchmen on the walls took away my cloak.
 -- Song of Solomon 5:3-7 (NEB)
%%
I have strong feelings about gun control.
If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it.
 -- Clint Eastwood in Pink Cadillac
%%
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
 -- Garry Shandling
%%
I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
I have taken the liberty, ma'am, of drawing up a list of suitable
  candidates.
Good-oh. Let's hear it.
Ahem. List..for the Post..of Lord High Executioner...(unfurls large
  scroll)...Lord Blackadder..........(rolls up scroll)
Ah-ha.
 -- Melchett, Queenie and Edmund : Head
%%
I have that file, it's right he........
%%
I Have The Best Tagline But Ran Out Of Space!
%%
I have the curiosity of a 6 Year old.
%%
I have the greatest enthusiasm for the mission - HAL 9000
%%
I have the Loyhargil.   Nothing can stop me now.
 -- The Rani, TIME AND THE RANI
%%
I have the most perfect confidence in your indiscretion.
%%
I have the other half of Rush Limbaugh's brain.
%%
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
 Oscar Wilde
%%
I have the thing you need,
 I am endowed beyond your wildest
 Clearasil-spattered fantasies,
 Oh! oh! oh!
 Oh Oh oh oh oh oh
 oh ohhhhhh!
 -- Frank Zappa, Fillmore East '71, lyrics to "Bwana Dik"
%%
I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made
them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I have three megs:  Meg Ryan, Meg Keller, Meg Johnston...
%%
I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
 JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%%
I have to do it myself, but I can't do it alone.
%%
I have to go, I promised Bob I'd let him buy me drinks tonight.
%%
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a
 bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I have tolerance for everyone... except Rush Limbaugh.
%%
I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for
 such an absurd world.
 -- Georges Duhamel
%%
I have touched the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting: I shall fall
Like a bright exhalation in the evening,
And no man see me more.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VIII
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing
is a fad that won't last out the year.
 -- Business Book Editor, Prentice Hall, 1957
%%
I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull
that it nauseated me.
 -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882), Autobiography
%%
I have tried so hard to do the right.
                -Grover Cleveland, 1908.
%%
     I have tried too in my time to be a philosopher;
     but I don't know how, cheerfulness was always breaking in.
              OLIVER EDWARDS
%%
I have trodden the wine-press alone.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah lxiii, 3
%%
I have two computers.  Can I breed them?
%%
I have two pets: A large main dog, and a small emergency backup one.
%%
I have two rules about smoking. The first is that I never smoke while
I'm sleeping. The second is that I never smoke more than one cigar at
a time.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
I have two very rare photographs.
 One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
 The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I have vays to make you talk, @FN@!
%%
I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
I have wagered heavily in the ships pool that you will take him past
  the 6th plateau.
"If I don't?"
I will be...irritated.
 -- Worf and Riker, "Peak Performance", stardate 42923.4
%%
"I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to
 use than eating soup with a knife."
 -- ...understanding Programming Languages
%%
IHC: Initiate Head Crash
%%
I hear a mundane begging to be taunted.
%%
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
 -- Confucius (551-479 BC)
%%
I hear a voice you cannot hear,
  Which says I must not stay;
I see a hand you cannot see,
  Which beckons me away.
 -- Thomas Tickell (1686-1740)
 -- Colin and Lucy
%%
I heard a noise in the barn the other day. I went down there. My brother
 bought a new mule and he was trying to get the mule through the barn door
 but he couldn't get the mule through the barn door because the mule's ears
 was too long.

 So brother had a saw and he was sawing off the top of the barn door to
 get the mule in. I said, "It's a dirt floor, why don't you just dig a
 trench and take the mule in that way?"

 And brother said, "It ain't his legs that's too long, it's his ears!"
 -- Minnie Pearl
%%
I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race
during the Labor Day weekend.  A politician strikes me as an
excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in
circles at high speed.
%%
I heard @FN@'s mind has been on edible underwear lately...
%%
I heard Linda Blair a most shocking story!
%%
I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...
...Oh, good. (walks off)
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains
%%
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays
of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis
Bacon.
 -- Bill Hirst
%%
I heard that Evelyn Wood just lost a lawsuit. A guy sued her because his
 eyeball blew out at ten thousand words a minute.
 -- Jay Leno
%%
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing.  Einstein
 discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men.
 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming in
the sound. - George Washington
%%
I heard this on the "Royal Canadian Air Farce":
  Olympia and York, known as O & Y, or "Oy vey".
%%
I heard this on WBCN in Boston last week:
Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.
%%
I heard you mention my name, can't you talk any louder.
                            --Nick Lowe
%%
I hear Long Dong Silver is quite upset about his name being mentioned
in such a disreputable place as the United States Senate.
%%
I hear music!
%%
I hear they drummed you out of the continuum.
I'd like to think of it as a significant career change.
 -- Guinan and Q, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I [HEART] MY [DOGHEAD]
 -- Enigmatic Bumper Sticker
%%
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
%%
I hear you reproach, "But delay was best,
For their end was a crime." Oh, a crime will do
As well, I reply, to serve for a test
As a virtue golden through and through,
Sufficient to vindicate itself
And prove its worth at a moment's view!
     .     .     .     .     .     .
Let a man contend to the uttermost
For his life's set prize, be it what it will!
The counter our lovers staked was lost
As surely as if it were lawful coin;
And the sin I impute to each frustrate ghost
Is--the unlit lamp and the ungirt loin,
Though the end in sight was a vice, I say.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- The Statue and the Bust
%%
I held it truth, with him who sings
  To one clear harp in divers tones,
  That men may rise on stepping-stones
Of their dead selves to higher things.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, i, Stanza 1
%%
I hereby sentence you to live in Blythe, California in a house with an
 airpad cooler, until you are dead, or wish you were.
 -- From HONKEYTONK SUE
%%
I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people.
%%
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
%%
I Hit the Wall: Isadore There
%%
I hit you, you hit me, we're all bruised so ba-aaad-ly.
%%
I hold a mouses wit not worth a leke,
That hath but on hole for to sterten to.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Wif of Bathes Prologue, Line 6154
%%
I hold every man a debtor to his profession; from the which as men
of course do seek to receive countenance and profit, so ought they
of duty to endeavour themselves by way of amends to be a help and
ornament thereunto.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Maxims of the Law, Preface
%%
I hold he loves me best that calls me Tom.
 -- Thomas Heywood (c. 1574-1641)
 -- Hierarchie of the Blessed Angells
%%
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'T is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
 -- Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- In Memoriam, xxvii, 1850, stanza 4, line 27
%%
I hold that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing
 -- Thomas Jefferson
 -- Letter to Madison, 1787
%%
     I hold that man is in the right who is most closely in league
with the future.
             HEINRIK IBSEN
%%
I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano,--
A stage, where every man must play a part;
And mine a sad one.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I hold you as a thing ensky'd and sainted.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Measure for Measure
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes
 of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.   I believe
 it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts...
 I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it.
 -- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a
 good book. Or a friend who's read one.
 -- Phyllis Diller
%%
I honestly do not believe that anyone was really responsible for this
 accident, but if blame must be placed, it surely belongs, all 110% of it,
 on the other driver.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
 I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I hope I bought the right relish...  zzzzzzzzz...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope I die before I get old ...
%%
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I hope I know what I'm talking about
%%
I hope I never have to deal with it. But obviously I would counsel her
and talk to her and support her on whatever decision she made.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to Larry
                   King's question of how he would react if his 13-year-old
                   daughter chose to have an abortion. (CNN, July 22, 1992)
                   Marilyn Quayle later remarked that her daughter would
                   "take the child to term."
%%
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
 because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain
what I consider the most enviable of all titles,
the character of an "Honest Man." - George Washington (1732-1799)
%%
I hope I snuff it right now so this moment can be preserved forever!
It can be arranged...
 -- George and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!...
%%
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
 because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
 hatching.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty.
%%
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
 a REASON to live!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot
 of money.''
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and
 just laugh at people.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope there's some respect and dignity for things I did not do.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle defending himself against
                   allegations of involvement with Paula Parkinson,
                   8/23/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because
 do you hide from it or not?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I hope this scum has not...inconweenienced you.
It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to
  inconweenience _me_...
 -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I hope when you know the owrst you will at once leap into the river
and swim through handsomely, and not, weather-beaten by the divers
blasts of irresolution, stand shivering on the bank.
 -- Suckling
%%
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THE RIDE....
%%
I hope you'll think this is funny. A man calls an undertaker and says, "You
 better make arrangements for a funeral. My wife passed away." The
 undertaker says, "You must be drunk. I buried your wife two years ago." He
 says, "I got married again." The undertaker says, "Oh! Congratulations!"
 -- Myron Cohen
%%
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half
 your life savings in yeast!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope you're right, Data.
No question of it, sir.
 -- Riker and Data, "The Battle", stardate 41723.9
%%
I hope you understand this because I don't...
 -- Dr. Andrew P. Paplinski, Microprocessor Applications lecture
%%
I hourly learn a doctrine of obedience.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
IHTFP: Increment Hormones, Test For Puberty
%%
I... I believe in love.
%%
IIB     Ignore Inquiry and Branch
%%
I, I can't tell you exactly what we do on that pain and suffering in the ----
[He then looked off-stage to Kevin Moley, the deputy secretary of the
 Department of health, for advice]
Kevin, what do we do on the pain and suffering on our malpractice proposal?
[He listened briefly to Moley's explanation]
So, it doesn't address it specifically.
The state -- the states could in fact -- what we basically do is --
try to do -- is get the states to come up with medical malpractice
legislation. We have, I think it's five criteria in our suggested
recommendations. But once they meet the five criteria, then they get a
favorable distribution from us if they meet -- basically forcing the states
to adopt this medical malpractice legislation, and that's the way
that you do it.
 -- Vice-President Dan Quayle in Phoenix, Arizona, answering
                    a question on Bush's malpractice reform bill. One of the
                    five malpractice measures would actually require states to
                    place a cap of $250,000 on damages for pain and suffering
                    to avoid a cutoff of federal financing.
                    (reported in the NY Times, 10/7/92)
%%
IIC: Insert Invisible Characters
%%
I idiot-proof my programs, but along comes a bigger idiot.
%%
I idolized my mother. I didn't realize she was a lousy cook until I went
 into the Army.
 -- Jackie Gayle
%%
"I-I-I didn't know they were carnivorous!"
  "Or expert shots!"
 -- "Dinosaurs For Hire"
%%
I*I*I*I*I*I*I*I*I*I*I*I*I --- Stars in your eyes.
%%
II: Inquire and Ignore
%%
IIL: Irreversable Infinite Loop
%%
    I imagine if you had built the Newton Memorial outside
Paris . . . it would have undoubtedly shown the violence of
1870 and 1914 and 1942 and 1945 -- even 1968!  Consider
building a vast cube of stone merely to register the effects
of violence -- marked and dated as an indictment.
 -- Peter Greenaway
 -- Dear Boullee
%%
I imagine you have orders to destroy me.
Doctor, Wheel in Space
%%
I imagine you've guessed by now that these big
 explosion panels are nothing more than an obvious
 method of *greatly* reducing my penciling time.
 -- Ty Templeton footnotes how he Draws Comics. From Stig's Inferno
%%
I improve on misquotation.
 -- Cary Grant
%%
I inhabit a week, frail, decayed tenement; battered by the winds and
broken in on by the storms, and, from all I can learn, the landlord does
not intend to repair.
 -- John Quincy Adams, 1767-1848
%%
I inherited curiosity from my cat. Why do you ask?
%%
I installed a sky-light.  Folks above me are mad.
%%
I installed Windows into my car computer and it crashed.
%%
I interfaced my cat and radio.  I just got hiss.
%%
I invented skydiving in 1989!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I invented the cordless extension cord.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I invent nothing. I rediscover.
 -- Auguste Rodin
%%
I is a university student.
 -- Bumper Sticker
%%
I is for Innsmouth, a town by the sea
%%
I is knot dain bramaged!
%%
I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,
the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.  In
grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number.  Its
plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself
is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this
incomparable dictionary.  Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but
fine.  The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer
from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to
cloak his loot.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I joined a bridge club.  My jump is scheduled for Monday.
%%
I joined a health club. I was watching these jerks work out. This guy is
 working out with weights, and he's got a T-shirt on that says, "No Pain, No
 Gain." So I dropped a barbell on his foot. He started to yell and I said,
 "What are you complaining about? Now you're in pain! And you gained twenty
 pounds!"
 -- Cy Kottick
%%
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents
become better people as a result of practicing it.
 -- Joe Mullally, computer salesman
%%
I judge people by what is in their hearts--not by the
color of their scales
%%
I just _adore_ this !
%%
I just BBSed all night and boy is my baud tired.
%%
I just booted my computer... it went 23 yards!!
%%
I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to
 walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.
 -- Anthony Clark
%%
I just bought a Cured Ham, I wonder what it had ??
%%
I just bought a new house. It has no plumbing. It's uncanny.
 -- Morey Amsterdam
%%
I just broke up with someone, and the last thing she said to me was:
 "You'll never find anybody like me again." And I'm thinking: I should hope
 not! Isn't that why we break up with people? If I don't want you, why would
 I want someone just like you! Does anybody end a bad relationship and say,
 "By the way, do you have a twin?"
 -- Larry Miller
%%
I just came back from Wal-mart. One of the gift items they had were these nice
%%
I just came back from Wal-mart. One of the gift items they had were these nice
globes of the earth. I noted that they had painted Germany as one country
already, but the Baltics, and of course, the Ukraine, were still painted as
part of USSR.

They really ought to sell those with this packet of stickers -- one for each
S.S.R., so that as they break off, you could paste them in.
%%
"I just can't help myself!"
 -- Standard disclaimer
 -- Babs Bunny
%%
I just couldn't convince Texans that Dukakis was Greek for Bubba.
 -- Lloyd Benson
%%
I just didn't say it.
             Associated Press, 10/5/66
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
I just do it.
%%
I just don't believe in the basic concept that someone should make their
whole career in public service.
 -- Vice President (former senator, former congressman, etc..)
                   Dan Quayle
%%
I just don't get it, Guinan. I can field strip a fusion reactor. I can
  realign a power transfer tunnel. Why can't I make things work with a
  woman like Christy. It's like...I don't know what to do. I don't know
  what to say.
You're doing fine with me.
You're different.
No, you're different.
But I'm not trying now.
That's my point.
 -- Geordi and Guinan, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6
%%
I just DON'T understand human behaviour.
 -- C-3PO
%%
I just fade my voice out like this and cue...
%%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just found out that the brain is like a computer.  If that's true, then
there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS.
%%
I just found the last bug!
%%
 I just got a car phone.  I'm not here at the moment.  Leave me a
 message and I'll call you when I'm out.
 -- Answering machine madness - befuddle the caller
%%
I just got a hard drive and can't do a thing with it.
%%
I just got my phone bill.  Buy AT&T stock now!
%%
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
 But now I can't remember WHO he is...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just got my wife some transportation.....great broom!
%%
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a
 bookmark.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I just got pulled over by the L.A.P.D. and boy am I beat.
%%
I just gotta write some new taglines...
%%
I just had a mental breakdown. Got any jumper cables?
%%
I just had an emotional breakdown. Wanna give me a lift?
%%
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just had my brain washed,and can't do a thing with it.
%%
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just had one beer ocifer! A pony keg.
%%
I just hate it when it does that !!
%%
I just have one thing to say:  Murphy, you owe me!
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle after Candice Bergan won an
                   Emmy for her role as Murphy Brown
%%
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch
 with my LEISURE SUIT!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just heard your wind effect gnashing its teeth.
 -- Sarah Jane, DEATH TO THE DALEKS
%%
I just held my hand up to this buzz saw and lost one of
my fingers! What do you make of that?...Damn--there goes
another!
%%
I just hired him and he's already off on a case!  What a brown-noser!
%%
I just ignore Ross Perot's paranoid diatribe.
%%
I just installed airbags in my car.
%%
I just joined a car pool.  That diving board is tricky!
%%
I just keep my eyes closed and hope the best
%%
I just kidnapped @FN@! Send 100 million dollars, or else!
%%
I just kidnapped this BBS. Send 100 million dollars, or else!
%%
I just know I read that somewhere....
%%
I just know I was meant to be born rich--somebody up
there must have fouled up the paperwork
%%
I just like to say quark, quark, quark, quark, quark, quark...
%%
I just love nonverbal communication!
%%
I just love the smell of gunpowder!
 -- Bugs Bunny
%%
I just might say yes
%%
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
 Bill Hoest
%%
I just play here.
%%
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just reversed the polarity flow.  <The Doctor<
%%
I just say these things; I have no idea what they MEAN
%%
I just send my income to Washington. Who can afford taxes?
%%
I just spent 2 hours shoveling 12 inches of 'Partly Cloudy'
out of my driveway.
 -- Thor Poulsen (Amdahl employee)
%%
I just steal 'em, I don't explain 'em.
%%
I just stepped on a factoid! - Zippy
%%
I just tested out my pit bull. Ever heard a mime scream?
%%
I just thought I might mosey over to the war room for a few minutes
 and see what's doing over there.
 -- Gen. Buck Turgidson, from Dr. Strangelove
%%
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
 -- Cheech Marin
%%
I just want to be a good engineer.
 -- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech
     at the 1988 AppleFest
%%
I just want to get a Ph.d in love.
 -- Barbara De Angelis
%%
I just want to say, if you had lived, you would have been a very sick man.
 -- Jack E. Leonard
%%
I just want to shoot it, yes I do!
%%
I just want your body, baby... from dusk till dawn!
%%
I just washed my phone line and can't do a thing with it.
%%
I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time.
 How are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals?
%%
I just won't sleep, that's all.
%%
I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
 COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Ikea : Swedish for long line-ups.
%%
I keep hearing that Jesus Christ is coming, but nobody knows his tour dates.
 -- Michael Lucas
%%
I keep Juan Valdez in business!
%%
I keep missing Rush Limbaugh.  But with this laser sight...
%%
I keep putting off procrastination & get nowhere
%%
I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
          Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
          Just So Stories (1902) "The Elephant's Child"
%%
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
%%
I kept a diary right after I was born.  Day 1: Still tired from the
move.  Day 2: Everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot.
%%
I kept it warm in my own oven!
 -- Divine (PINK FLAMINGOS)
%%
Ike Skelton, Congressman (Mo.), was an Eagle Scout.
%%
IKI: Ignore Keyboard Input
%%
I killed an ant, now all my relatives are afraid of me.
%%
I killed him, and he forgave me.   Why did he have to be so nice
   about it?
    Peri, Revelation of the Daleks
%%
I killed Jesus just to watch him bleed. Have a nice day.
%%
"I kind of like it. Interesting percussion section."
  "Those are cannons."
"And they perform this in crowded concert halls? Gee, I thought classical
 music was boring!"
 -- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
I knew a girl, she was a macho man.
%%
I knew a very wise man that believed that if a man were permitted
to make all the ballads, he need not care who should make the laws
of a nation.
 -- Andrew Fletcher of Saltoun (1653-1716)
 -- Letter to the Marquis of Montrose, the Earl of Rothes, etc
%%
I knew, by the smoke that so gracefully curl'd
  Above the green elms, that a cottage was near;
And I said, "If there 's peace to be found in the world,
  A heart that was humble might hope for it here."
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Ballad Stanzas
%%
I knew Doris Day before she was a Virgin!
%%
I knew I could make it. I was a burnout, but I was a
very bright burnout from the start.
 -- Tod Frye, Author of Atari Pac-Man
%%
I knew I had some reason for not killing you...Now what
was it?
%%
I knew I shoulda taken that left at Albuquerque
%%
I knew it!  I'm surrounded by assholes!
 -- D. Helmet
%%
I knew it was a bad crash, when the FAA called.
%%
I knew I would like her when I saw how her backside moved under her red
 satin skirt.
%%
I knew once a very covetous, sordid fellow,
 -- Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
 -- Letter, Nov. 6, 1747
%%
I knew peace until I found Thalia. <G<
%%
I knew she was gone 'cuz, I ran out of beer.
%%
"I knew that before you were born." Let him who would instruct a wiser
man consider this as said to himself.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book v, Fable 9, 4
%%
I knew that I would be going places, and I just wanted to know where
I was when I got there.
 -- Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls center,
 -- answer when he was asked why he majored in geography
 -- at the University of North Carolina
%%
I knew that rubber chicken was gonna get me in trouble.
%%
I knew the gun was loaded but I didn't think he'd kill.
 -- Glen Frey
%%
I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as
 a house.   So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in
 an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer.
 -- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%%
I knew words were like chains, they held me back... the act of
description taints the description.
 -- John Fowles
%%
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
I know a couple that got remarried. He missed two alimony payments and she
 repossessed him.
 -- Bill Barner
%%
I know a girl who broke every date she had--she went out with them.
 -- Bob Melvin
%%
I know a good ferret tagline when I steal one.
%%
I know a good tag line when I steal one
%%
I know a hawk from a handsaw.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
I know a heartache when I see one.
%%
I Know A Joke
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to
 stay away from it.
 -- Paula Poundstone
%%
I know a little 'bout Love, and baby, I can guess the rest.
 -- Skynyrd.
%%
I know a lot of people without brains who do an awful lot of talking.
 -- The Scarecrow, Wizard of Oz
%%
I know and I know you know I know.
%%
I know a politician who believes that there are two sides to every
 question--and takes them both.
 -- Ken Murray
%%
I know a trick worth two of that.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
     I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind.
             ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY
%%
I know death hath ten thousand several doors
For men to take their exit.
 -- John Webster (c. 1580-1625)
 -- Duchess of Malfi, Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
I know enough about the World, to know that I don't want to know anything more.
 -- Sly
%%
I know everything about everything, except that.
%%
I know everything, but I'm sworn to secrecy.
%%
I know everything except myself.
 -- Francois Villon (c. 1430-1484)
 -- Autre Ballade, i
%%
I know everything.  It's just sometimes I'm wrong.
%%
I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of
  a cluster of colourblind hedgehogs...in a _bag_.
 -- Edmund to Melchett : Captain Cook
%%
I know he has hidden talents - I just hope we'll see them someday.
%%
I know how to do anything - I'm a Scouter.
%%
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I know human beings. They're all sopping over with compassion and
  forgiveness. They can't wait to absolve...almost any offense. It's
  an inherent weakness in the breed.
 -- Q, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I know human names well enough.  After all, you are who you eat.
 -- Ed the Shark, from Diane Duane's DEEP WIZARDRY
%%
I know I can count on every Klingon warrior on this crew to serve and
  die in battle. So, I ask, Commander Riker - where are your loyalties.
"I have been assigned here to serve this ship and to obey your orders. I
  will do exactly that."
Will you take an oath to that effect.
"I just did."
 -- Capt. Kargan and Riker, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
%%
I know, I know... I'm dreaming.
%%
I know I'm a sick person--the question is whether it's
charming or offensive
%%
I know I'm disgusting drunk,but I'm paying for it - I can see 2 of you
%%
I know I'm going to miss her, a tomato ate my sister.
 -- From "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
%%
I know I'm lucky. I always have been.
%%
I know it is a sin
For me to sit and grin
    At him here;
But the old three-cornered hat,
And the breeches, and all that,
    Are so queer!
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
 -- The Last Leaf
%%
I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it, like it, yes I do!
%%
I know Jack Shit.
%%
I know karate...and seven other Chinese words.
%%
I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
%%
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
%%
I know my boyfriend had sex before we met, but he didn't enjoy it!
%%
I know my computer likes me... it shared an IRQ.
%%
I know my facts are right. I heard them from @FN@.
%%
I know my own mind ... and it's around here somewhere!
%%
I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so
effectual as their strict construction.
 -- Ulysses S. Grant (1822-1885)
 -- From the Inaugural Address, March 4, 1869
%%
I know nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooothing.
%%
I know nothing about it; I am my own ancestor.
 -- Junot, Duc D'Abrantes (1771-1813)
%%
I know nothing about platonic love except that it is not to be found in
the works of Plato.
 -- Edgar Jepson
%%
I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
     Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
I know nothing.
 -- Ken Thompson
%%
I know not, I ask not, if guilt 's in that heart,
I but know that I love thee whatever thou art.
 -- Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
 -- Come, rest in this Bosom
%%
I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if
 he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
 -- James Barrie
%%
I know not where His islands lift
  Their fronded palms in air;
I only know I cannot drift
  Beyond His love and care.
 -- John G. Whittier (1807-1892)
 -- The Eternal Goodness
%%
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
I know now that there's one thing you've all overlooked: intelligence and
education that hasn't been tempered by human affection isn't worth a damn.
 -- Daniel Keyes, "Flowers for Algernon"
%%
I know of no driving manual which suggests that passengers depart from the
 cabin of the car when going around the corner at such speeds. When this
 happened, I took evasive action, and that is when I wiped out those other
 five cars, the bus and the branch bank office. One of the passengers who
 got out of the other car still managed to come through my windshield, at
 considerable additional cost, may I add.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of society but the
people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to
exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to
take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, letter to William Charles Jarvis, 1820
%%
I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as
 the one that begins: "Have you read ..."
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
I know one committee I don't want -- Judiciary.  They are going to be
dealing with all those issues like abortion, bussing, voting rights,
prayers.  I'm not interested in those issues and I want to stay as far
away from them as I can.
 --  Senator Dan Quayle (from "What a Waste it Is to Lose One's Mind"
 -- the Unauthorized Autobiography)
%%
I know on which side my bread is buttred.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. vii
%%
I know [patriotism] exists, and I know it has done much in the present
contest.  But a great and lasting war can never be supported on this
principle alone.  It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some
reward.
 -- George Washington
%%
I know perfectly well where most Rock stars belong, but I seriously doubt
 that the Betty Ford Clinic can handle all of them at the same time.
%%
I know Sir John will go, though he was sure it would rain cats and dogs.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
I know so little, but I know it fluently...
%%
I know someone with the exact same name!   Really? Who?
%%
I know something about opening windows and doors.
%%
I know something Bo doesn't!
%%
I know that Aesop told us "Every truth has two sides; it is well that we
 look at both sides, before we commit ourselves to either." However, you
 always chose the wrong side and are never right, so I think the discussion
 is closed. Once and awhile, when you agree with me, you violate this
 general rule.
%%
I know that Deformed.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
I know that every time one door closes, another door
opens, but why do these hallways have to be so dark?
%%
I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the
greatest complexity, can seldom accept even the simplest and most
obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity
of conlusions which they have delighted in explaining to colleages,
which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven,
thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives.
 -- Leo Tolstoy
%%
I know that my goal is more than a thought.
 -- Alex Lifeson
%%
I know that our bodies were made to thrive only in pure air, and the scenes
in which pure air is found.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and
  I hate people like that!
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
I know that you think an unhappy childhood has lead you to all this,
but that's really no excuse.
 -- The Flash
%%
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
 The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
 -- Charles Schulz
%%
I know the combination to your locked baud rate..
%%
I know the difference now between dedication and infadtuation.  That
doesn't mean I don't still get an enormous kick out infactuation: the
exciting ephamera, the punch in the stomach, the adrenaline to the
heart.
 -- Anna Quindlen
%%
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when you
won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act iv, Sc. 7, 42, (812.)
%%
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I know there are nights when I have power, when I
 could put on something and walk in somewhere, and
 if there's a man who doesn't look at me, it's
 because he's gay.
 -- Kathleen Turner
%%
I know there are no well-adjusted men in New York but I'd be happy to find
 one that's treatable.
 -- Audrey Buslik
%%
I know the road, I know where it goes; that's why I'm going so slow...
%%
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"I know this creature.  He is the EMBODIMENT of EVIL -- decades ago, his
 machinations often brought the world to the *BRINK* of chaos!"
  "Hey -- people change!"
 -- The Shadow and associates discuss Shiwan Khan.
 -- From THE SHADOW
%%
"I know this is an inconvenient time to ask, but did
he ever mention anything about source code?"
 -- Overheard at funeral
%%
I know this world needs help.
%%
I know this world needs help.  That's why some of my generation are
  kind of crazy and rebels.  We wonder if we're going to be alive
  when we're thirty.
 -- Roberta Lincoln, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
%%
I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I know two kinds of audience only--one coughing and one not coughing.
 -- Arthur Schnabel
%%
I know UNIX, ADA, FORTH, APL, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN,
COBOL, SMALLTALK, LISP, and nineteen other high-tech words
%%
I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.
     Michel de Montaigne
%%
I know what's right...I got just one life...-- Tom Petty
%%
I know what 's what, and have always taken care of the main chance.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. ix
%%
I know when I'm out of my league.  I just don't care.
%%
I know where I am....IknowwhereIam
 -- Batty
%%
I know who I am. Sometimes you go away, but I'm still here.
%%
I know you all have very innocent minds, but occasionally a word should be
allowed to wander through before reaching the paper.
%%
I KNOW you're alive... I just couldn't care less!
%%
I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several
days have attacked me at once.
%%
I know your secret.
%%
I know you think that you understood what you thought I said, but I am not
 all that sure that you understand that I seldom say what I think and even
 less often do I mean what I say.
%%
I last saw Elvis at the K-Mart, where he was selling the blue suede
 special.
%%
I laugh at "paid programs"
%%
I laugh, for hope hath happy place with me;
If my bark sinks, 't is to another sea.
 -- William Ellery Channing (1780-1842)
 -- A Poet's Hope
%%
I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of
  fear.
 -- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
   Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
        Et le m^omerade horgrave.
 -- Lewis Carrol, Through the Looking Glass
%%
Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo.  [The good, the bad
and the ugly.]
                           Age Scarpelli,
                           Luciano Vincenzoni (1926-),
                           and Sergio Leone (1921-)
                           Title of film (1966)
%%
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a
pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
I learned quite a bit.
"Apparently not when to duck."
When NOT to duck would be more accurate.
 -- Riker and Picard, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
I learned the difference between a cactus and a caucus.  A cactus has
its pricks on the outside.
 -- Morris Udall, Former U.S. Rep. on his education in public life.
%%
I leave my character behind me.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- School for Scandal, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
I left for college. Dad said, "I'm going to miss you." I said, "Well, now
 that I broke the sight off your rifle." Yeah. My parents threw quite a
 going-away party for me. According to the letter.
 -- Emo Philips
%%
I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.
%%
I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.
%%
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"I left the tri-corder on `The Wild, Chunky, Spunky Planet of Mary Lou Retton
 Clones.'"
  "Spock, you are SUCH a putz."
 -- "Bloom County"
%%
Il est souvent plus grand d'avouer ses fautes que de n'en pas commettre.
[It is often a greater thing to confess one's errors, instead of not
making them.]
   (La Rochefoucauld-Doudeauville, Memoires, "Livre des pensees", 430 [1863])
%%
"I let my mind wander and it didn't come back."
"I figured you'd lost your mind years ago."
 -- Calvin and Mom, "Calvin and Hobbes", 13 Jul 92
%%
I let the media do my thinking for me, therefore I am.
%%
Ilia: "My oath of celebacy is on record."
 -- "ST:TMP", Stardate 1513.8.
%%
I lifted my uncomprehending eyes to the heavens.
%%
I light my candle from their torches.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 2, Memb. 5, Subsect. 1
%%
I like a bit of a mongrel myself, whether it's a man or a dog; they're
the best for every day.
 -- George Bernard Shaw  1856-1950, Misalliance [1910], episode I
%%
I like all kinds of spreads.  Playboy, Penthouse, & Legs.
%%
I like a man that wears a wedding ring. 'Cause without it, they're like a
 shark without a fin. You pretty much got to know they're out there.
 -- Brett Butler
%%
I like a man who grins when he fights.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
I like a quiet life, sun, sea, sand, modem ......
%%
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.  I hate necks.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I like Barney, stuffed and mounted on the wall in my den!
%%
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
 -- Art Leo
%%
I like blood. It's a primary color.
%%
I like Boolean logic. NOT
%%
I like bread.
%%
I like candy, especially the gooey kind with nougat!
%%
I like children, if they are properly cooked!
%%
I like Clinton about as much as Vietnam Vets do.
%%
I liked him [Spock] better before he died!
 -- McCoy,  "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
I liked morphine from the start. It made me graciously tolerant of every
 form of human imbecility, including my own.
 -- Alexander King
%%
I like doing things to help people. People don't wear their seat belts
 anymore. I figure, I'll make fuzzy clothes and make seats out of Velcro.
 -- Andy Andrews
%%
I liked O.J. better when he was a commercial & I could switch channels.
%%
I like dolphins.  If dolphins were human, I'd be a dolphin.
%%
I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make
 them wear little hats so I can use the car-pool lanes.
 -- Monica Piper
%%
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
anywhere.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I liked you better before I knew you so well.
%%
I Like Fish: Ann Chovie
%%
I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can
 say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.
 -- Carl Shipley
%%
I like him and it in that order.
%%
I like it better in the dark.
%%
I *LIKE* IT!!
 -- Delinquent w/cannon in ROBOCOP
%%
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
%%
I like life. It's something to do.
 -- Ronnie Shakes
%%
I Like Liquor: Ethyl Alcohol
%%
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
I like making things up. That's my job. I'm a historian.
 -- The Little Prince
%%
I like men to behave like men, strong and childish.
 -- Francoise Sagan
%%
I like milk because it comes from cows.
%%
I like mixing leisure with pleasure.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I like my coffee black... as a moonless night.
%%
I like my men to be...well...hockey players!
%%
I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization,
 italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis.
 -- Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader
%%
I like my species the way it is.
 Worf to Locutus
%%
I like my steak MIDIum rare...
%%
I like my women to be...well...hockey players!
%%
I like naked ladies - one at a time, in private.
%%
I like oral sex; it's the phone bills I hate.
%%
I like overkill.
 -- Post Brothers Comics
%%
I like people better than principles, and I like people with no
principles better than anything else in the world.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
I like picking up hitchhikers, and then look straight ahead with out
 speaking at all. Then after a while, look at the victim and give evil laugh,
 and grin at them.
%%
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
 --  Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
I like quality, not quantity.
%%
I like sex. (Big letters)
Since I don't have sex in your office, and I
probably like sex more than you like smoking,
please do not smoke in my office.
 -- Sign in office
%%
I LIKE sex on TV! And the floor, the kitchen table, the..
%%
I like smoke and lightning, heavy-metal thunder,
 racing with the wind, and the feeling that I'm under.
%%
I liketh a band that playeth the oldies.
 -- David Addison
%%
I like the 486 tower.  Does it come in red?
%%
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
I like the "Fat Elvis" stamp better.
%%
I like the future, I'm in it.
%%
I like the idea of an ancient race--it makes a world
feel so...lived in
%%
I like the old-time diners with names like Eat. But be careful if they
 advertise a bottomless cup of coffee. You could end up with a scalded
 crotch.
 -- Tommy Sledge
%%
I like the one about the fella who swam the English Channel. It took him
 fifty-eight hours to swim there, twelve seconds to come back. His jockstrap
 got caught.
 -- B. S. Pully
%%
I like the way ONLY their mouths move..  They look like DYING OYSTERS
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I like the way your mind malfunctions.
%%
I like the whiskey old and the women young.
%%
I like the word 'indolence'.  It makes my laziness seem classy.
     Bern Williams
%%
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
 promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
 the way and let them have it.
 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
I like to enter messages from the Asylum computer.
%%
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
 Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I like to have a man's knowledge comprehend more than one class of topics, one
row of shelves.  I like a man who likes to see a fine barn as well as a good
tragedy.
 -- Emerson
%%
I like to know what I'm doing when I'm doing what I do when I'm
doing it because I don't know what to do when I'm not doing it.
 -- Stan Ridgeway
%%
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
%%
I like to listen.  I have learned a great deal from listening carefully.
 Most people never listen.
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
%%
I like to pick up hitchikers and say things like... "Sooo, how far did you
 THINK you were going anyway?" or "Put your seat belt on. I want to try
 something. I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it."
%%
I like to press wild flowers.
%%
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I like to sit and think. Mostly, I just sit.
%%
I like to skate on the other side of the ice... I like to reminisce with
 people I don't know... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
 shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit... And when I get
 real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit
 in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
%%
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
%%
I like to watch, Eve...
%%
I like trees because they seem more resigned to
 the way they have to live than other things do.
 -- Willa Cather
%%
I like Triple "A" women (Anything, Anytime, Anywhere)
%%
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
%%
"I Like Weird Pizzas" by Ann Choviez
%%
I like winter.  I like the cold.  I like the sound of flowers dying.
%%
I like women with big... HEARTS!  YEAH! THAT's it!
%%
I like women with fire in their bellies.
    Kane, Dragonfire
%%
I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
 -- Jerome K. Jerome
%%
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
%%
I like your approach. Now let's see your departure.
%%
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
%%
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I like your taglines better than mine!  Wanna swap?
%%
I like you, Sali.  That's why I'm going to kill you last.
%%
I line my pockets with hot cheese.
%%
ILink, ULink, we all Link for ILink!
%%
I listen to feminists and all these radical gals -- most of them are failures.
 They've blown it.  Some of them have been married, but they married some
 Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom.  These women
 just need a man in the house.  That's all they need.  Most of the feminists
 need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And
 they blew it and they're mad at all men.  Feminists hate men.  They're
 sexist.  They hate men -- that's their problem.
 -- Reverend Jerry Falwell
%%
I listen to Paul and Al in the morning....
%%
I lit the emergency candle. Why is it hissing?
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
I live an idle burden to the ground.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xviii, Line 134
%%
I live by Louis Pasteur's advice that "Chance favors the prepared mind,"
 and my own, "The two most common elements in the known universe are
 hydrogen and stupidity."
 -- Harlan Ellison
%%
I live in a country where food is considered entertainment. So I suppose
 all those people in the Third World are not starving--they're bored.
 -- Jimmy Tingle
%%
I live in a house, but belong in a HOME.
%%
I live in a quiet neighborhood -- We use silencers.
%%
I live in my own place
have never copied nobody even half,
and at any master who lacks the grace
to laugh at himself -- I laugh.
 -- inscribed over the door to Friedrich Nietzsche's house
%%
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in
the years of
maturity.
 Albert Einstein
%%
I live in the Managerial Age, in a world of "Admin."  The
greatest evil is not now done in those sordid "dens of crime" that
Dickens loved to paint. It is not done even in concentration camps
and labour camps.  In those we see its final result.  But is con-
ceived and ordered (moved, seconded, carried, and minuted) in clean,
carpeted, warmed, and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white
collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need
to raise their voice.
-- Preface to 'The Screwtape Letters' by C.S. Lewis
%%
I live in the past, the rent is cheaper.
%%
I live just off Ventura Boulevard, where all the weirdos hang out, and I
 was on a corner the other day when a wild-looking sort of gypsy-looking
 lady with a dark veil over her face grabbed me right on Ventura Boulevard
 and said, "Karen Haber! You're never going to find happiness, and no one is
 ever going to marry you." I said, "Mom, leave me alone."
 -- Karen Haber
%%
I live like I type - Fast, and with a lot of mistakes.
%%
I live like this 'cuz I like it; I've seen too much to pretend
%%
I live not in myself, but I become
Portion of that around me;
High mountains are a feeling, but the hum
Of human cities torture.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 72
%%
I live on a one-way, dead-end street ...
%%
I live one day at a time, but I'm three weeks behind.
%%
I live the greatest adventure one could ever desire.
%%
I'll backup my Hard Drive tomor*(&^)*98&^^...
%%
I'll be a kid until I'm over eighty years old.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'll be Bach.- Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger
%%
I'll be BACK!!!
%%
I'll be back in a GIF!
%%
I'll be back... maybe!
%%
I'll be back....
 The Terminator
%%
I'll be gentle honey...I promise...
%%
I'll be gone, like a Greyhound Down the Road!!
%%
:ill-behaved: adj. 1. [numerical analysis] Said of an algorithm or
   computational method that tends to blow up because of accumulated
   roundoff error or poor convergence properties.  2. Software that
   bypasses the defined {OS} interfaces to do things (like screen,
   keyboard, and disk I/O) itself, often in a way that depends on the
   hardware of the machine it is running on or which is nonportable or
   incompatible with other pieces of software.  In the IBM PC/MS-DOS
   world, there is a folk theorem (nearly true) to the effect that
   (owing to gross inadequacies and performance penalties in the OS
   interface) all interesting applications are ill-behaved.  See also
   {bare metal}. Oppose {well-behaved}, compare {PC-ism}.  See
   {mess-dos}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"I'll be judge, I'll be jurry," said cunning old Fury; "I'll try the
whole cause, and condemn you to death."
 -- Lewis Carroll [Charles Lutwidge Dodgson] (1832-98), English writer,
mathematician
 -- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, ch. 3 (1865)
%%
I'll be learning Windows, too, I guess ...
%%
I'll believe it, when I believe it.
%%
I'll be lost in the ozone for a while.
%%
I'll be mellow when I'm dead!
 -- Weird Al Yankovic
%%
I'll bet I don't have a gambling problem.
%%
I'll bet if George M. Cohan were alive today he wouldn't be telling all the
 gang at Forty-second Street he'd soon be there.
 -- H. Martin
%%
I'll bet I'm able to stop gambling!
%%
I'll bet the human brain is a kludge.
 -- Attributed to Marvin Minsky
%%
I'll bet you're wondering who wrote this quote.
%%
I'll be unstopable when I get started...
%%
I'll be with you in two sex, said the hermaphrodite.
 -- Alan F. G. Lewis
%%
I'll be youah race-cah drivah...
 -- Jewel%Pahrk youah race-cah in Havahad Yahd?
 -- Anja [smoe]
%%
I'll bite his leg off.
 -- Someone getting into a role-playing game a bit too much, in ZOT!
%%
I'll bombard this stinking planet until it is nothing but a
smoking hole in space!
    Graff Vynda-Ka, The Ribos Operation
%%
Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
%%
I'll buy Bob a funeral plot if he moves right in.
%%
I'll buy that for a dollar.
%%
I'll byte your bits if you'll nybble my words
%%
I'll call you back, my call-waiting's beeping!
%%
Ill can he rule the great that cannot reach the small.
 -- Edmund Spenser (1553-1599)
 -- The Faerie Queene, Book v, Canto ii, St. 43
%%
I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
%%
I 'll charm the air to give a sound,
While you perform your antic round.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADA
runtime system. The interface to the ADA runtime system is so opaque that
it is impossible to model or predict its performance, making it effectively
useless for real-time systems.
 -- Marc D. Donner and David H. Jameson.
%%
I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start
 without me.
%%
Ill customs and bad advice are seldom forgotten.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
I'll deal with today tommorrow.
%%
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!
 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
%%
I'll do anything for him!  I love him very much!
 Write that with very big letters!
 -- Brigitte Nielsen re: Sylvester Stallone, 1985
%%
I'll do it tomorrow, quit calling me a procrastinator!
%%
I'll do it when I remember what it was!
%%
I'll drink to that!
%%
I'll drink your health; share your wealth;
 run your life; steal your wife ...
 ... you can call this song 'The United States Blues'.
 -- The Grateful Dead
%%
I'll drive you crazy, but you're paying for gas...
%%
I'll eat anything at a trough.
 -- Bryson Frost
%%
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.  Ask
any Indian.
 -- Robert Orben
%%
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
            time you will get a penalty for that.
 -- WindowError: 01B
%%
Illegal to remove taglines except by consumer.
%%
Illegetimus non carborundum!
%%
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
 not having it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92
                                   (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I 'll example you with thievery:
The sun 's a thief, and with his great attraction
Robs the vast sea; the moon 's an arrant thief,
And her pale fire she snatches from the sun;
The sea 's a thief, whose liquid surge resolves
The moon into salt tears; the earth 's a thief,
That feeds and breeds by a composture stolen
From general excrement: each thing 's a thief.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
I'll excuse the mess. I know @FN@ lives here.
%%
I'll flip you like a cheese omelette, I'll lay you out like a wholesale
 carpet, buddy boy!
 -- Jeff Altman
%%
I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would
be better than what I have now.
%%
I'll get all of you someday.  I'll wipe out your whole family.
%%
I'll get my revenge on all of society!  I'll build a mighty criminal empire!
 -- Mobieus's career criminal
%%
I'll get to it on the 2nd Tuesday of next week.
%%
I'll get you my pretty,  and your little dog too!
%%
I'll get you yet, you kwazy wabbit !
%%
I'll give you a clue - it begins with `f' and rhymes with `factor'...
%%
I'll give you a definite maybe.
%%
I 'll give you leave to call me anything, if you don't call me "spade."
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
I 'll go his halves.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book iv, Chap. xxiii
%%
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
 -- Stanislaw Lem, Cyberiad
%%
Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,--
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.
 -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
 -- Ovid, Metamorphoses, Book xv, The Worship of Aesculapius, Line 155
%%
"I'll have 10 chocolate sundaies."
I have never seen anyone eat...10 chocolate sundaies.
"I'm in a really bad mood and since I've never eaten before, I should be
  very hungry."
 -- Q and Data, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I'll have a beer, and get a Bloody Mary for my friend.
%%
I'll have another bowl of cereal, please.
 Jane
%%
I'll have four fried chickens and a coke.
-Jake
 -- "The Blues Brothers"
%%
I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice.
%%
I'll have some white toast.  Dry, ma'am
-Elwood
 -- "The Blues Brothers"
%%
I'll have Spam, Spam, Spam, Bacon, Sausage, and Spam!
%%
I'll have the Turtle Soup....and make it snappy!
%%
I'll have to check with my dad.
 -- Dan Quayle responding when an Indiana GOP county chairman
                   asked him to run for Congress in 1976.
                   (reported by the Washington Post, 10/2/88)
%%
I'll have to get over this sooner or later.  Why not now?  --Louis Wu
%%
I'll have to think twice before I give it a second thought.
%%
I'll have what the guy in the casket had.
%%
"I'll have you all executed!"
"I think not."
 -- Star Trek "Mirror, Mirror"
%%
I'll heal your wounds, I'll set you free; I'm Jesus Christ on ecstasy
%%
I'll hitch hike if I have to!...
%%
I'll hit the brakes -- he'll fly right by!
%%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's
trying to ignore.
%%
Illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Rivals, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure!
%%
Illiterate? Write for information!
%%
Illiterate? Write me for more information...
%%
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
%%
I'll just nip off and shoot myself. Don't worry, it'll be very humane.
%%
I'll Kill you if you ever call me violent again!
%%
I'll let you be in my dream. If I can be in yours.
 -- Bob Dylan, Talkin' World War Three Blues
%%
I'll listen to reason only when it comes out on CD.
%%
Ill-luck, you know, seldom comes alone.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. vi
%%
"I'll maim, but no killing."
  "It isn't even human! It's just a filthy,
   smelly demon from another dimension."
"Oh, well, that's different!"
 -- The Badger and Ham
%%
I 'll make assurance double sure,
And take a bond of fate.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I 'll make thee glorious by my pen,
  And famous by my sword.
 -- Marquis of Montrose (1612-1650)
 -- My Dear and only Love
%%
I'll make you famous....
%%
I'll Meet You on Venus After Cryin' In My Beer.
%%
I'll need several beers before tackling the IRQ changes.
%%
Illness strips away superficiality to reveal reality in etched detail.
%%
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's
discuss his absence of character!
 -- Michael Lara
%%
I'll never forget good ol' what's-his-name.
%%
I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
%%
I'll never forget the time I was flying over Milwaukee and the pilot said,
 "We're now approaching the great city; let's set our watches back one
 hundred years."
 -- Jack E. Leonard
%%
I'll never forget the....uhh...the...never mind!
%%
I'll never forget Ummm, ....What's-Her-Name?
%%
I'll never get off this planet.
%%
I'll never let you live this down, Bob!
%%
I 'll not budge an inch.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Taming of the Shrew
 -- Induc. Sc. 1
%%
I'll not go back in archives to review the evolution.
%%
I'll not listen to reason.  Reason always means what someone else has to say.
%%
I'll panic if I bloody well want to!
%%
I'll pick up my papers, and smile at the sky. I know that the hypnotized
never lie.
%%
I'll play fair if I get to make up the rules.
%%
I'll publish right or wrong. Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- English Bards and Scotch Reviewers, Line 6
%%
I'll punch the first person who calls me a pacifist.
 -- [e-mail]
%%
I 'll purge, and leave sack, and live cleanly.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act v, Sc. 4
%%
I 'll put a girdle round about the earth
In forty minutes.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
I'll put an end to the idea that a woman's body belongs to her . . . the
 practice of abortion shall be exterminated with a strong hand.
 -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf"
%%
I'll put down five....or so....that *I* think are cute!  Hope you enjoy!
%%
I'll quit drinkin' just as soon as I can find some better way to get it
 down.
 -- Jethro Burns
%%
I'll race you to China.  You can have a head start.  Ready, set, GO!
%%
I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom.
%%
I'll respect animal rights if they sign the Constitution.
%%
I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
 -- Daffy Duck, Robin Hood Daffy, [1958, Chuck Jones]
%%
I'll say it again for the logic impaired.
 -- Larry Wall <[e-mail]>
%%
"I'll say this once and then reiterate it."
 -- Dr. Michael Morgan, Instrumentation Physics lecture
%%
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon...
%%
I'll see your 2 taglines and raise you another.
%%
I'll shake you into a kitten, that I will!
 -- Lewis Carroll
%%
I'll show you fun. Simon, let the games begin.
 -- Marshall, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana
%%
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'll show you yours if you show me mine.
%%
I 'll speak in a monstrous little voice.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), A Midsummer Night's Dream
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
I'll speak to it through hell itself should gape, and bid me hold my peace.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.  Hey you,
get off my plate
 -- Roger Midnight
%%
...I'll sulk for the rest of your days and make your life a living
 hell. So there.
%%
I'll take "Famous Taglines" for 1000, Alex.
%%
I'll take Fucking Clues for $200.
 -- Mark
%%
I'll take 'Things Only People on Jeopardy Know' for 200, Alex.  -SLR
%%
I'll take tuna on rye, hold the mercury.
%%
I 'll talk a word with this same learned Theban.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! - Stinky Wizzleteats
%%
I'll tell ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
 -- Bob Hope
%%
I'll tell ya, life aint easy for a boy named Sue!
%%
I'll tell you about my mother!
%%
I'll tell you a little secret, sonny. I don't really believe I will be
  dying. I believe I've learned how to transfer the wealth of my knowledge
  into a computer. Before I die, I plan to transfer my great intellect
  into this machine, thus cheating the Grim Reaper of his greatest prize.
 -- Dr. Ira Graves,  "The Schizoid Man", stardate 42437.5
%%
I'll tell you one person who doesn't think we've wasted our money on
 $600 toilet seats --- Saddam Hussein.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I'll tell you what I want, I want someone who is
 so beautiful that when you see her you say, 'Wow,
 that Humperdinck must be some kind of fella to
 have a wife like that.'
 -- William Goldman / S. Morgenstern, The Princess Bride
%%
I'll tell you what kind of guy I was.   If you ordered a boxcar full of
 sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could
 consider the order filled.
 -- Robert Mitchum
%%
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.  It's dead!
%%
I 'll tickle your catastrophe.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
I'll try anything just once too often.
%%
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times
to make sure!
%%
I'll try not to get you mad at me.
%%
Illuminate the Opposition!
 -- Adam Weishaupt, Grand Primus Illuminatus
%%
ILLUMINATI, n.  A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the
sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights --
_cunctationes illuminati_.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
:Illuminatus!:
    I.   "The Eye in the Pyramid"
    II.  "The Golden Apple"
    III. "Leviathan".
Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson
Dell, 1988
ISBN 0-440-53981-1

This work of alleged fiction is an incredible berserko-surrealist
rollercoaster of world-girdling conspiracies, intelligent dolphins, the
fall of Atlantis, who really killed JFK, sex, drugs, rock'n'roll, and
the Cosmic Giggle Factor.  First published in three volumes, but there
is now a one-volume trade paperback, carried by most chain bookstores
under SF.  The perfect right-brain companion to Hofstadter's "G"odel,
Escher, Bach".  See {Eris}, {Discordianism}, {random numbers}, {Church
of the SubGenius}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Illusionists fake it.
%%
Illusionists only LOOK like they're doing it.
%%
... Illusions are the most valuable and necessary of all things, and she who
can create one is among the world's greatest benefactors.
 -- Virginia Woolf, "Orlando"
%%
Illustrate your Sermons! Wear "far side" ties.
%%
Illustrious acts high raptures do infuse,
And every conqueror creates a muse.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- Panegyric on Cromwell
%%
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.  Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and
detraction.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I 'll warrant him heart-whole.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I'll watch some TV. It'll help me to RELAX! -- Ren Hoek
%%
I'll wear any color so long as it's black
%%
Ill weede growth fast.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. x
%%
I 'll woo her as the lion wooes his brides.
 -- John Home (1724-1808)
 -- Douglas, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I'll worry about it tomorrow.
 -- S. O'Hara
%%
Il n'y a pas lieu de s'inqueter..
%%
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
 to bite people themselves.
 -- August Strindberg
%%
I loathe that low vice curiosity.
 -- Lord Byron
%%
    I loathe the expression "What makes him tick."  It is the
American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that
uses the foolish expression.  A person not only ticks, he also
chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be
put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock
in a thunderstorm.
 -- James Thurber
%%
I locked my coathanger in my car; good thing I had a key.
%%
I long ago came to the conclusion that all life is six to five
against.
 -- Damon Runyon
%%
I look at you all, see the love there that's sleeping..
%%
I look better on a woman!
%%
...I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, then I
thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
 -- Davey Allison, re: a 150MPH crash
%%
I looked up at her and asked how much is that gonna cost?
%%
I looked up executrix. It has nothing to do w/ leather and high heels.
%%
I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are
 still climbing around in it.
%%
I looked up the word "politics" in the dictionary and it's actually a
 combination of two words; "poli," which means many, and "tics," which means
 bloodsuckers.
 -- Jay Leno
%%
I look for beer - it makes me go.
%%
I look pretty young, but I'm just backdated.
                    --Pete Townshend
%%
I look upon you as gem of the old rock.
 -- Sir Thomas Browne (1605-1682)
 -- Dedication to Urn-Burial
%%
I lost a button hole today.
 -- Stephen Wright
%%
I lost a dream date w/ Nancy Kerrigan by 1/10 of a point!
%%
I Lost My Balance: Eileen Dover and Phil Down
%%
I lost my job. No, I didn't really lose my job. I know where my job is,
 still. It's just when I go there, there's this new guy doing it ... I lost
 my girl. No, I didn't really lose my girl. I know where my girl is, still.
 It's just when I go there, there's this new guy doing it.
 -- Bob Goldthwait
%%
I lost my knickers at Niagara.
%%
I love a ballad in print o' life, for then we are sure they are true.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Winter's Tale
 -- Act iv, Sc. 4
%%
I love a man with chocolate on his breath.
%%
I love America.  Electricity right from the wall, anytime you want it.
 -- A Central American torturer discusses convenience, from THE PUNISHER
%%
I love animals!  But they all seem to taste like chicken.
%%
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
%%
I Love Animals......They're Delicious!
%%
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
 -- Peter DeVries
%%
I Love Bullfighting: Matt Adore
%%
I love California.  I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona.  A lot of people
forget that.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
I love cats. On a good night I can eat 5 or 6 of them!
%%
I_love_Cats...........Under my tires.
%%
I love children!  They taste just like chicken!
%%
I love crap we'll never need -- that's my *favorite* kind of crap!
 -- Truth from Sam and Max
%%
I Love Crowds: Morris Merrier
%%
I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly
 by.
 -- Douglas Adams
%%
"I loved her face, but I left her behind for you"
 -- Stupid country song titles #14
%%
I loved him like a brothel.
 -- S. J. Perelman
%%
I loved my country, and I hated him.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- The Vision of Judgment, lxxxiii
%%
"I loved you... loved you as much as any American used car dealer could..."
 -- Uncle Billy laments in FLAMING CARROT COMICS
%%
I love football ... Football's a fair sport for my people. Only sport in
 the world a Negro can chase a white man and 40,000 people stand up and
 cheer him.
 -- Dick Gregory
%%
"I Love Fractions" by Lois Denomenator
%%
I love it, I love it, and who shall dare
To chide me for loving that old arm-chair?
 -- Eliza Cook (1817-1889)
 -- The Old Arm-Chair
%%
I love it when a plan comes together!
%%
I love it when a pun comes together
%%
I love it when a tagline comes together.
%%
--``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away now.
 I fed the cat. - Zippy''
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I love life and life loves me,
I'm as happy as I can be.
A happier man nowhere exits,
I think I'll go and slash my wrists.
%%
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
 -- Charles Schultz
%%
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
 -- Walt Disney (1901-1966)
%%
I love MITTs! (Mexicans in Tank tops!)
%%
I love mucking about in boats
 -- Baker, THE TALONS OF WENG CHIANG
%%
I love my attitude problem
%%
I@love~my$computer,;It's%made in Taiwa~##$ ` #@
%%
I love my country, but I fear elected officials, the judiciary and feminizts.
%%
I LOVE my country, but I FEAR my government.
%%
I love my country too much to be a nationalist.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
I love my girlfriend, but I trust my DOG.
%%
I love my job -- it's the only place where I get enough sleep.
%%
I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
%%
I Love My Sysop.
%%
I love my wife and my Turbo C, sure miss her
%%
I love New York City. I just got into town and I wanted to get on the
 subway. I asked a man, "I'd like to get on the subway. How do I get
 underground?" He said, "Drop dead."
 -- Corbett Monica
%%
I love New York!     * * *       No Radio
%%
I love old Chappers. Don't you, Captain?
Unfortunately, no. I find his films about as funny as getting an
  arrow through the neck...and then discovering it's got a gas bill
  tied to it.
 -- George and Edmund : Major Star
%%
I love rock and roll, put another dime in the jukebox, baby.
                    --Joan Jett
%%
I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I love running Windows! NOT!
%%
I love Rush Limbaugh.  He makes a really nice target.
%%
I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!   This is what
entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
%%
I love sex with blonds, but my wife doesn't appreciate it
%%
"I Love Simple Mathematics" by Adam Upp
%%
I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because
 one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the
 consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable
 consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is
 death without the responsibility.
 -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
I LOVE spotted owls!!  They taste like chicken!!!
%%
I love Telix for Windows!
%%
I love the absolution of all jocks and preps -- Skate or die!!!
%%
I LOVE the Feminist movement.....when I'm walking behind it.
%%
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. Please, I'll only put it
 in for a minute. What am I, a microwave?
 -- Beverly Mickins
%%
I love the smell of Napalm in the morning...
 Colonel Kilgore
%%
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.   It smells like...VICTORY
   Robert Duvall
%%
I love the smell of taglines in the morning.
%%
I love the smell of Technology in the morning!
%%
I love this nation, but we have some of the stupidest people here.
%%
I love those slow-talking Southern girls. I was out with a Southern girl
 last night, took her so long to tell me she wasn't that kind of girl, she
 was.
 -- Woody Woodbury
%%
I love those who yearn for the impossible.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust
%%
"I Love to Annoy People" by Ann Tagonize
%%
I love to cook!  I love to eat!  I hate to wash DISHES!
%%
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
 and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using
 blanks.
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
 can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
 what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I Love Toxic Waste
%%
I love war....Peace will be hell for me.
 -- George S. Patton
%%
I love when the stewardess says, "Your seat cushion becomes a flotation
 device." Well, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?
 -- Steve Shaffer
%%
I Love Wills: Benny Fishery
%%
I love women....I'm just not sure if I could eat a whole one!
%%
I love working on computers ... hand me the axe, please.
%%
I love working on computers ... hand me the hammer.
%%
I Love You!: Alma Hart
%%
I love you, and I want to EAT YOUR BRAIN!
 -- Return of the Living Dead
%%
I LOVE you baby, but her FLESH got in the way!
%%
I love you, Doctor Johnson. And I want to have your babies.
 -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
I love you, Flash!  But we only have 12 hours to save the Earth!
%%
I love you for what you are, but I love you yet more for what you are
going to be.
 -- Carl Sandburg
%%
I love you for your beauty; love me although I am ugly.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes, "Don Quixote"
%%
I love you, not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
 -- Roy Croft
%%
I love you Sooo Much,  ...When Your Far Far Away
%%
I love you, you love me...
%%
I love you, you love me, pedo-bestiality...
%%
I lurk quietly and carry a big ON/OFF switch!
%%
I'm #1! Why try harder?
%%
I'm 33, single ... Don't you think it's a generalization you should be
 married at 33? That's like looking at somebody who's 70 and saying, "Hey,
 when are you gonna break your hip? All your friends are breaking their
 hips--what are you waiting for?"
 -- Sue Kolinsky
%%
I'm 80% sure about that, but I'm only 63% sure about the 80%
%%
I'm a 10th generation A.I. holographic computer. I'm not your Mum!
%%
I'm a 5 and a quarter drive, she has a 3 and a half drive; it'd never work out.
%%
I'm a analog man in a digital world.
%%
I'm a beat dead masculinizt.
%%
I'm a beautiful guy
And you have just walked by
And I have gave you the eye
But you pretend to be shy
I'm a beautiful guy
(You know what I mean? You know what I mean?)
 -- Frank Zappa, "I'm a beautiful guy"
%%
I'm a belligerent omnivore - I eat vegetarians.
%%
I'm a born loser -- what's your excuse?
%%
I'm a brain in a vat. Are you one too?
%%
I'm a Bum...a BEACH Bum!
%%
I'm a Canadian.  It's like an American without a gun, but with healthcare
%%
I'm a Catholic. I'm like most Catholics. When I grew up I quit. I can't
 quite understand some religions. They're all supposed to be right. But they
 all have one goal--to get to heaven. They all have their own way of getting
 there. So it seems to me you ought to be able to think this out. Like if
 you're Catholic and you want to get to heaven, you can't have sex unless
 you're married. If you're Jewish and you want to get to heaven, you can't
 eat pork. Come on, if you had to make a choice ...
 -- Bob Dubac
%%
I'm a citizen of the universe, and a gentleman to boot!
%%
I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people
 will go out of their way to punish a clown.
%%
I'm a computer programmer for the Amish.
%%
I'm a confirmed sexist. I prefer sex!
%%
I'm a consultant because I'd rather be self-unemployed.
%%
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
%%
I'm actually into pyropedonecrophilaquabestiality - the urge to have sex with
young animals under water that are on fire while killing them and keeping their
internal organs.
 -- Tim Stryker
%%
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to a potluck.  I
 stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
 cake?"  I said, "yes".
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I made a discovery today. I found a computer.
 Wait a second, this is cool.
 It does what I want it to.
 If it makes a mistake, it's because I screwed it up.
 Not because it doesn't like me...
 -- The Conscience of a Hacker
%%
I made a mental note . . . but I forgot where I put it!
%%
I made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says...'Bugger'.
 -- Cpt. Darling : Goodbyeee...
%%
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of
others, and all positive assertion of my own.   I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion,
such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.     I adopted instead of them "I
conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it
appears to me at present".
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the
pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some
absurdity in his proposition.      In answering I began by observing that in
certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present
case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I
engaged in went on more pleasantly.    The modest way in which I proposed my
opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.   I had
less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
happened to be in the right.
 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%%
I made quite a name for myself back home. I left when I found out what it
 was.
 -- Herb Shriner
%%
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm a DOCTOR, Jim, not a biochemical neuroprotein physiologist!
%%
I'm a doctor, not a magician.
 -- Dr. Pulaski, "The Royale", stardate 42625.4
%%
I'm a DOS user until WINDOWS freezes over!
%%
I'm a fellow who bleeds every time a tree is cut down.
             Fresno Bee, 4/28/66
 -- Ronald Reagan
%%
I'm a Fidonut and I'm ok. I FREQ all night and I flame all day!
%%
I'm a figment of your imagination.
%%
I'm a flying saucer pilot for the CIA.
%%
I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
%%
I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats.
 -- Monty Python
%%
I'm afraid I've finally become what I had merely intended to seem.
 -- Wilhelm von Humboldt, 1831
%%
I'm afraid of no man, and very few women.
%%
I'm afraid the duel is off.
Off?
As in 'sod'.
 -- Edmund and George : Duel and Duality
%%
I'm afraid the magazine is written in dwarvish.
%%
I'm afraid the prisoner has eluded us.
Eluded the Enterprise?
 -- Data and Picard, "The Hunted", stardate 43489.2
%%
I'm afraid there's been a change of plan. I'm off to the kitchen
  to hack my head off with a big knife.
 -- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
%%
I'm afraid we haven't properly housebroken Bob Morgan.
%%
I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
%%
I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated.
Your battery needs a new car.
 -- Mechanic to customer
%%
I'm afraid you'll never make it as an actor. But as a star, I think you
 might well hit the jackpot.
 -- Orson Welles (to Joseph Cotten)
%%
I'm a Freud I can't do that.
%%
I'm a fucshia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a Fun Guy from Yuggoth.
%%
I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it.
 -- A. Whitney Brown, Saturday Night Live
%%
I'm against firm female bodies, as often as possible.
%%
I'm a game master--it's lonely at the top.
%%
I'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Imagery is All In The Mind.
%%
Imagery is in the I of the beholder.
%%
Images and reflections to brighten my day.
%%
Imaginary numbers can become quite complex.
%%
Imaginary Numbers:  Eleventeen, Thirty-Twelve, Umpteen, Zillion...
%%
Imagination and fiction make up
more than three quarters of our real life.
 -- Simone Weil
%%
Imagination grows by exercise, and contrary to common belief, is more
powerful in the mature than in the young.
 -- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
Imagination-Inspiration for a resourceful Mind.
%%
Imagination is high res...life is low res.
%%
Imagination is intelligence having fun.
%%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire;
you will what you imagine; and at last you create what you will.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
%%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
 -- Jules de Gaultier
%%
IMAGINATION, n.  A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint
ownership.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Imagination rules the world.
 -- Napoleon I (1769-1821)
%%
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a
sense of humor to console him for what he is.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
Imagine a mind emptied by that thing, without even a tormentor for company.
%%
Imagine a witty phrase here.
%%
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
%%
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
 usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
 thinks of complaining.
 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
%%
Imagine, in a million years, Barney will be a can of 10W-40 motor oil.
%%
Imagine:  Nancy Reagan in Frank Gorshin's old Riddler costume!
%%
Imagine no BBS's.  I wonder if you can?
%%
Imagine Ross Perot on too much caffeine if you dare.
%%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?

Is it PC compatible?
%%
Imagine the appeals,
Dissents and remandments,
If lawyers had written
The Ten Commandments
 -- Harry Bender
%%
Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes
explicable.
 -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Imagine the outraged cry for investigations if Clinton was Republican.
%%
Imagine the real disappointment of those people who have been wrong in
 their predictions about the end of the world. Talk about embarrassment...
%%
Imagine what the world would be like if mathematics were an honored ritual
carried out in stadiums for huge audiences, and football was a misunderstood
activity ignored by most people.
%%
I'm a God.  I know everything.
%%
I'm a good man for a bad woman.
%%
I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more
I have of it.
 -- Stephen Leacock
%%
"I'm a great fan of science, you know" - Slartibartfast.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
%%
I'm a hallucinogenic toad--lick me all over
%%
I'm a ham, and I do it with a lots of Frequencies.
 -- WB6FBZ
%%
I'm ahead of my time...but only by a week.
%%
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
%%
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
%%
I maintain that the cosmic religious feeling is the strongest and noblest
motive for scientific research.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience.
  And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning,
science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable
one, of being true.
 -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism,
 -- The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
I majored in nursing. I had to drop it. I ran out of milk.
 -- Judy Tenuta
%%
I make everybody happy!! Some when I arrive, Some when I leave!!
%%
I make my own reality.....
%%
I make stained-glass contact lenses--for people who want to sleep in
 church.
 -- London Lee
%%
I'm a law unto myself--and I break it anyway!
%%
I'm Al Capone, I can do anything.
%%
I'm a Leo.   Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff.
 -- Tom Neff
%%
I'm a licenced psychopathic spellchecker, so NYAAH!
%%
I'm a licensed Smurf stomper!
%%
I'm a lifetime member of the NWGA (National Water Gun Association).
%%
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
%%
"I'm a little girl."
"I'm a little boy."
"How do you know you're a little boy?"
"Wait till the nurse goes out and I'll show you...
 See?  Blue booties."
%%
I'm a little upset. I just found out I have to have this little procedure
 done. Nothing complicated, but they tell me it is going to improve my
 vision about 70 percent. But I'm a little nervous. I hate getting my bangs
 cut.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
I'm a living saint, but you can just call me Sister Cindy.
 -- Sister Cindy
%%
I'm all ears, hooman
 -- DaiMon Perot
%%
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of
 fools. Let's start with typewriters.
 -- Solomon Short
%%
I'm all over that like a cheap suit.
%%
I'm all tagged out!
%%
I'm along for the ride.
%%
I'm a Loony Tune Muso - What's YOUR Disability?????
%%
I'm a lover, not a hacker.
 -- Jeff Daiell
%%
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor.
%%
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
%%
"I'm a Lumberjack" by Tim Burr
%%
I'm always easy. I'm NEVER cheap!!!
 -- Dick Munroe
%%
I'm always in trouble, but it's so much FUN!
%%
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
%%
I'm a man of my word. In the end, that's all there is
really....
 -- Avon
%%
I'm amazed, that it works at all.
%%
I'm a mean green mother from outer space.
 -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors
%%
I'm a mine of useless information....
%%
I'm a misanthrope - what's your f#$&ing problem?
%%
I'm a modemer and I'm OK, I post all night and I sleep all day.
%%
I'm a Mog: Half man, half dog.  I'm my own best friend!
%%
I'm a MoonDogger and proud of it.
%%
I'm a mutated .sig virus. Copy me into your .sig or risk instant death.
%%
I'm an absolute, off-the-wall fanatical moderate.
%%
I'm an adopted Tagline....who is my REAL mother?
%%
I'm an agnostic. I can't decide whether or not there's a Goddess.
 -- the future Mrs. Stilt Man
%%
I'm an anarchist, especially about whatever someone else is running.
%%
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
%%
I'm an ARTIST--please feed my creditors.
%%
I'm an asshole, and I'm proud of it.
 -- Denis Leary, "Asshole"
%%
I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! What an asshole!)
I'm an asshole! (He's the world's biggest asshole!)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E
{Weird dog-like sounds...} ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
{Weird beat-box like sounds...} FING ACHNG TUM A
FUNG TUM A FLING CHUM
Oooh Oooh
 -- Denis Leary, "Asshole"
%%
I'm an astronomer, not an astrologer.
%%
I'm an Atheist: Noel Noheaven
%%
I'm an equal opportunity Tagline adopter.
%%
 I'm an experienced woman; I've been around...
    well, alright, I might not've been around, but
   I've been... nearby.
 -- Mary Richards
 -- (mary Tyler moore show)
%%
I'm an idealist.  I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
 -- Carl Sandburg
%%
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
%%
I'm an incorrigible punster--so don't incorrige me!
%%
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
%%
I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
%%
I'm an Omegosh tester.
%%
I'm an OS/2 developer...I don't HAVE a life!
%%
I'm an OS/2 developer...I don't NEED a life!
%%
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a perfectionist with other people's work.
%%
I'm a photographer.  I take close-up pictures of the horizon.
%%
I'm a power-crazed psycopath - I don't WANT inner peace!!!!
%%
I'm a professional.  I *know* what I'm doing.
 -- The Doctor
%%
I'm a programmer, I don't do COBOL.
%%
I'm a right-brain mind in a left-brain job.
%%
I 'm armed with more than complete steel,--
The justice of my quarrel.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- Lust's Dominion, Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I'm Arnold Shwarzenegger's Twin Brother!
%%
I married beneath me -- all women do.
%%
I married the first man I ever kissed.  When I tell my children that, they
just about throw up.
 -- Barbara Bush
%%
I'm a salami writer.  I try to write good salami,
 but salami is salami.
 -- Stephen King
%%
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
%%
I'm as confused as you are.
%%
I'm as doomed as doomed can be!
 -- Ed Grimley The one and only Ed Grimley, aka Martin Short
%%
I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had to do it over again, I'd call in
 someone else.
 -- Roland Young
%%
"I'm ashamed to be here, but not ashamed enough to leave"
 -- Stupid country song titles #7
%%
I'm a simple man.  All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough
whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
 -- Walter Slovotsky, The Warrior Lives by Joel Rosenberg
%%
I'm a single-tasking, single-threaded guy.
%%
I'm as innocent as a new-laid egg.
%%
I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
I'm as much a typical male as Zeus was human.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
 -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.9.
%%
I'm a solipsist and, I have to say, I'm surprised there aren't more of us.
 -- from a letter to Bertrand Russell
%%
I'm a solipsist, I don't see why other people aren't that way...
%%
I'm a space cowboy.   Bet you weren't ready for that.
 I'm a space cowboy.  I'm sure you know where it's at.
 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
 -- Steve Miller
%%
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
 -- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
I'm as serious as a dead convenience store clerk.
%%
I'm a Starship Captain, not a babysitter!
 -- Picard
%%
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
 enough to find your way around Chinatown.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I'm a sucker for shrimps, but thought I smelt a whale.
%%
I'm a Surfer hanging 10 on the wave of technology.
%%
I'm a tagline, I was a book prior to April 15th.
%%
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
%%
I'm a vagiterian and proud of it!
%%
I'm a vampire. Please wash your neck.
%%
I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing.
 -- Doctor, Destiny of the Daleks
%%
I'm a very modest person.  And damn proud of it.
%%
I'm a Volvovegetarian. I'll eat an animal only if it was accidentally
 killed by a speeding car.
 -- Ron Smith
%%
I'm a WASP--White American Sexy Pagan
%%
I'm a wild and untamed thing.
%%
I'm a workaholic who resisted a rest.
%%
I'm a writer.  Prohibited by statute from having money.
%%
I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
don't let appearances fool you.   I'm approaching old age ... at the
speed of light.
 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
%%
I may be accused of being confused, but I'm average weight for my height.
 My philosophy, like color TV, is all there in black and white.
 -- Raymond Scum
%%
I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward.
%%
I may be an idiot, but indeed I am no fool.
 -- Men at Work
%%
I may be a self-made man, but then, when I get to thinking about it, if I
 had it to do over again, I think I would call in someone else.
 -- Roland Young
%%
I may be back for you.
She serious?
 -- Vekma and Riker, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
%%
I may be fat, but you can't jog off your ugly looks.
%%
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
%%
I may be going to hell in a bucket, but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
 -- Bob Weir
%%
I may be stupid, but that still makes me smarter than you.
%%
I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid
 -- Bishop, the artificial person, from _Aliens_
%%
I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt!
%%
I may choose instruments somewhat sharper than words.
 -- Scaroth (as Scarlioni), CITY OF DEATH
%%
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the
  death, your right to say it.
 -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
%%
I may have taught you everything you know, but I
haven't taught you everything I know.
%%
I may justly say, with the hook-nosed fellow of Rome, "I came, saw,
and overcame."
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
 -- Doctor Graper
%%
I may look busy, but I'm just confused!
%%
I may look calm, but beneath this cool exterior is
a churning iceberg ready to explode.
%%
I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me.
%%
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
 -- Sam Goldwyn
%%
I may not be mulch, but I'm compost.
%%
I may not be perfect, but I am all I got!
%%
I may not be right, but I make up for it by being sure.
%%
I may not be smart, but I'm dumb...
%%
I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.
 -- Allen
%%
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended
up where I intended to be.
 -- Douglas Adams
%%
I may not here omit those two main plagues and common dotages of human
kind, wine and women, which have infatuated and besotted myriads of
people; they go commonly together.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part i, Sect. 2, Memb. 3, Subsect. 13
%%
I may not understand what you say, but I'll defend to
the death my right to deny it.
%%
I may RISE today, but I refuse to SHINE !!!
%%
I may tell all my bones.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm xxii, 17
%%
I'm a Zen nudist--I'm naked in my own mind.
%%
I'm back-pedalling as fast as I can...
%%
I'm bad. I'm nationwide
%%
I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?
 -- Bart in "Krusty the Clown" (Tracy Ullman Show), from The Simpsons
%%
IMBECILITY, n.  A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting
censorious critics of this dictionary.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I'm becoming addicted to happiness.
%%
I'm BeetleJuice... the Ghostis with the Mostist!
%%
I'm beginning to appreciate the value of naps. Naps are wonderful, aren't
 they?

 Sometimes now I have to take a nap to get ready for bed.
 -- Marsha Warfield
%%
I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
%%
I'm being held prisoner in a chocolate factory.  Don't send help.
%%
I'm Beverly...,I'm Geordi...,We are Hugh...
%%
I'm bloody sick of standing here every day.
 -- O'Brien
%%
I'm boored. Why don't we have a strike!?!?
%%
I'm bored--I think I'll become a beatnik.
 -- Sluggo (from the Nancy comic strip)
%%
"I'm bored with music between 1955 and 1980.  I'm
 completely bored. I can't listen to a rock and
 roll record.  I can't do it.  I would rather
 listen to hogs screwing."
 -- Sting
%%
IMBP: Insert Mistake and Blame Programmer
%%
I'm bringing home a baby bumble bee.
%%
I'm broad-minded. I hardly think of anything else.
%%
I'm BRUCIE of Borg -  I'm going to ASSimilate you!
%%
I'm Bubba of Borg.  Y'all fixin' to be assimilated.
%%
I'm Bugs Bunny of Borg.  What's up Collective?
%%
I'm busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.
%%
I'm Buster Brown and I live in a shoe!
%%
I'm busy now. Do you mind if I ignore you later?
%%
I'm Buy-sexual, I have to pay for it.
%%
I'm Catholic ... My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm.
 I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
 -- Lizz Winstead
%%
I'm changing my name to Chrysler
I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
I'll tell some power broker
   What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
I'm heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
   I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
 -- Tom Paxton
%%
I'm changing the CHANNEL..  But all I get is commercials
 for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
%%
I'm coming Dear, I only have 999 more messages to read.
%%
I'm coming to bed, honey....gotta run one more utility...
%%
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State.   My idea
 is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both
 of them together is certain death.
 -- George Carlin
%%
I'm confused - more than usual, that is.
%%
I'm confused.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I'm considering a move to Memphis,that's Memphis,Tenesee
 It worked for Elvis Presley,why can't it work for me?
 -- Colour-blind James Experience
%%
I'm constantly on line behind some jerk with coupons! Oh good! I wanna live
 in this store! He's got a double-off two-cent coupon for some dehydrated
 non-edible product, and this guy has nothing but time on his hands! Get a
 job! You won't have to save the four cents!
 -- Rick Ducommon
%%
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm convinced the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
 would not be caught dead in otherwise.
 -- Roger Simon
%%
I'm crabby cuz; The screaming baby behind you.
%%
I'm crabby cuz; Warm beer.
%%
I'm Crazy but not Stupid.. I think...
%%
I'm cutting boy, but you aint bleeding
 -- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
I'm dancin' on a land mine baby, one leg left...
%%
I'm Dan Quayle.  I'm Dan Quayle.  I'm Dan Quayle.  I am Dan Quayle.
The real Dan Quayle.  The real Dan Quayle stand up.  I'm Dan Quayle.
I'm Dan Quayle.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, rehearsing with
     media consultants
%%
I'm Dan Quayle, who are you?
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, greeting a woman at
     a Hardee's restaurant with a handshake.  She
     responded, ``I'm your Secret Service agent.''
%%
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier to talk her into staying over.
 -- Garry Shandling
%%
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
 -- Groucho
%%
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm delighted.  The uglier we are the better we get.
%%
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
 -- Dave Edison
%%
I'm DESPONDENT...  I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
 miniature DOMED STADIUM...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm developing "TAGrophobia" !
%%
I'm differently-sarcasmed.
%%
I'm disgruntled and I've got a gun.  Is the Post Office hiring?
%%
I'm DISKcombabulated.
%%
I'm doomed to wander around here aimlessly for eternity...or until they
 demolish the mill for a mini-mall, whichever comes first.
 -- Grungy Bill, Hole in the Head Gang, Eerie Indiana
%%
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm driving a new Neon, nicely loaded.
%%
I'm drunk, and right now I'm SO in love with Bob.
%%
I'm dyslexic, so is my girlfriend, together we do 96.
%%
I mean, it's a great story.  It's got some great things in it.  I mean,
there's something like eight violent deaths in it.
 -- Mel Gibson promoting the Shakespearean tragedy Hamlet
 -- in a special video to be shown to public school students.
%%
I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and
 seizure.   Man, that was really Out There.
    I was so WRECKED when I wrote that...
 -- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%%
I mean, look at this. What is it?
I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.
I haven't forgotten. It's a rhetorical question.
...Nah, it's a potato.
 -- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato
%%
I mean not to run with the Hare and holde with the Hounde.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), Page 107
%%
I meant no harm by staying alive! I only did it as a joke!
%%
I meant, said Ipslore bitterly, what is there in this world that truly
makes living worth while?
Death thought about it Cats, he said eventually, Cats are Nice.
 -- Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
%%
I meant what I said --- I think.
%%
I mean, what's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted
 'round in buses surounded by sweaty, mindless oafs from Ketching and Boventry
 in their cloth caps and their bardigans...
 -- Mr. Smoketoomuch [Monty Python]
%%
I mean you lie--under a mistake.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue i
%%
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
%%
I medicate, therefore who am I?
%%
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm enjoying summer school. I believe it's been good for me. It saves a lot
 on sunscreen.
 -- Charles Schulz (Peppermint Patty in "Peanuts")
%%
I mentioned my 'Hard drive' and she giggled expectantly.
%%
I message database managers.
%%
I met a fool i' the forest,
A motley fool.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
I met a girl who sang the blues and I asked her for some happy news, but
 she just smiled and turned away.
 -- Don McLean
%%
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert.  Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read.
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains.    Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822)
                  "Ozymandias" (1819)
%%
i met a womyn from kentucky while i was in new orleans this summer
who found out that i am a vegetarian...she said:
i'm a kittitarian.
she eats pussy-cats.....
ha ha ha ha ha...
so much for bi/lesbian/dyke/byke....we're all KITTITARIANS!!!    --katie
%%
I met Elvis + lived...
%%
I'm ethical.  It's the stupidity that drives 'em nuts.
%%
I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love.  His hat was
old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed
through his shoes, - and the stars through his soul.
 -- Victor Hugo
%%
I met the Surgeon General; he offered me a cigarette.
%%
I met this girl very aggressively ... I just walked up to her and I said,
 "Who are you? I have to know who you are!" It's a good opener, but you
 can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining
 the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind
 them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said, "Who are you?'" And they always
 say, "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say, "Yes, and I
 still don't know who you are."
 -- Mort Sahl
%%
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and I was putting
 Slinkies on the escalator.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm excessively annoying.
%%
I'm excited about QFRONT! Ask Ed G about it!
%%
I'm fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact.
%%
I'm fed up to here with being fed up to here.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
 -- George McGovern
%%
I'm feeling argumentative. Please contradict me!
%%
I'm feeling homicidal. Say anything!
%%
I'm feeling just great.
%%
I'm finding it difficult at the moment, with AIDS and everything. That's
 changed my lifestyle a lot. I used to go out every night, and try and get
 laid, and fail, and I'd call that sexual frustration. Now I go out every
 night and try and get laid, and fail, but I can call it a "healthy
 lifestyle."
 -- Simon Fanshawe
%%
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
%%
I'm fine.
 -- John 'Mad Dog' Matzka
%%
I'm firm. You're obstinate. He's a pigheaded fool.
%%
I'm fixin a hole where the rain gets out.
%%
I'm flexible... just don't change anything.
%%
I'm floating in a most peculiar way.
%%
I'm FLYING!, I'm FLYING!, I'm FL[THUD]
%%
I'm fond of children -- except for boys.
%%
I'm for bringing back spanking... for consenting adults.
%%
I'm forgiven. My brothers and sisters of the continuum have taken me back.
  I'm immortal again, omnipotent again.
Swell.
 -- Q and Riker, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I'm for lust.
%%
I'm for peace--I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say, "I've
 just had a good war."
 -- Mae West
%%
I'm free to do what I want, any old time.
%%
I'm French!  Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?
%%
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
 -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
%%
I'm friends of the Daniels brothers..... Jack and Charlie!!!
%%
I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but
 fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
I'm from Georgia -- what country are YOU from?
%%
I'm from the IRS, and I'm here to help you.
%%
I'm from the IRS.  The government has spent all your
tax money.  Could we please have some more?
%%
I'm full of the spilled milk of human kindness.
%%
I'm galloping up Diarrhoea Drive without a saddle.
%%
I'm game. Would you care to explain how?
%%
I'm getting better but I forgot the subject!!
%%
I'm gifted, but only on my birthday!
%%
I'm giving up flying. I was at the airport and I saw a sign: "Take out
 insurance." I thought: If the lobby's that dangerous, imagine what it's
 like in the plane.
 -- Corbett Monica
%%
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm glad my Mom was pro-life.
%%
I'm glad that ignorance is such bliss.
%%
I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect
opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporter's
                   questions about his use of Air force 2 to
                   go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour
%%
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm gOCK TAGLINES
%%
I'm going doooown! Has anyone seen my upper arrow?
%%
I'm going insane and I'm taking you with me.
%%
I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was.
He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective
we've had in a couple of hundred years.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle
%%
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
 -- Fred Allen
%%
I'm going to disconnect your brain.
%%
I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little
fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!'
 -- Cat in Red Dwarf 'Better than life'
%%
I'm going to EUROPE this summer--but when I
GET BACK, I'll have TRAINING waiting for me
as a COMBAT ENGINEER !!!
Sound familiar?  Be all you can BE!
"Ya sluzhat v'Army!",
Russian for "I'm in the Army!"  (I serve in the Army)
 -- Brad Morrison
%%
I'm going to give up smoking, even if it kills me
%%
I'm going to happydance among the stars and wear my stripes anyway
I want to.
 -- Stripes the tiger
%%
I'm going to have you wrapped in a U.S. flag and burned personally by the
 President, in high octane American gasoline!
 -- The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever
%%
...I'm going to hit it with a stick.
%%
I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold
 out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government.  I'd
 give it all up for one erection.
 -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
%%
I'm going to keep going to these damned cons until I
have a one night stand
%%
I'm going to k-k-k-k-k-k-kill you K-k-k-k-k-k-ken!
%%
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
 -- Spider Robinson
%%
I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to loose.
 -- S. I. Hayakawa
%%
I'm going to start living within my means. Even if I have to get a loan to
 do it.
 -- Tom Wilson ("Ziggy")
%%
I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.
 -- George Burns
%%
 I'm gone.
 -- Answering machine madness - brevity
%%
I'm gonna be a monkey, monkey monkey muuuunkey!
 -- Stimpy
%%
I'm gonna, be making a call on the great white telephone.
%%
I'm gonna grow fins and go back into the water again.
%%
I'm gonna hit ya ... and you're gonna faaaaaall.
 -- Ren
%%
I'm gonna name my first child "Megaweapon"!
 -- MST3000
%%
I'm gonna plead insanity, what about you?
%%
I'm gonna wash that yam right outta my hair ...
%%
I'm good with kids, but I'm better without them!
%%
I'm GREAT at immaturity. I've been practicing for decades.
%%
"I'm great at love, but I'm lousy at commitment."
  "Commitment's nice. You'd like her.  She's got heavy legs, but
   she's a lotta laughs.  I met her at a wedding."
 -- Love & Guilt from above reference
%%
I'm grinning from 'ere to 'ere...
%%
I'm growing older, but not up.
 -- Jimmy Buffett
%%
I'm happy as a clam in heat .. in heat ??
%%
I'm hardware and don't know anything about software.
%%
I'm having a bad hair life.
%%
I'm Having A Ball Doing Nothing At All.
%%
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having a deja vu experience, just like last time.
%%
I'm having a mental energy crisis!
%%
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
 -- Henry Kissinger
%%
I'm having a mid-week experience
%%
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
 in my PAJAMA POCKET??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having an old friend for dinner.
 -- H. Lecter
%%
I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
%%
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE..  and I don't take any DRUGS
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
 of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having one of those decades.
%%
I'm heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication ...
%%
I'm heavily armed, off my medication and despise gender feminizts.
%%
I'm here because I'm not all there.
%%
I'm here to grovel before your wonderful Earth Alliance. <Londo<
%%
I'm here to question all your answers.
%%
I'm here to rescue you.
%%
:IMHO: // [from SF fandom via USENET; abbreviation for `In My Humble
   Opinion']  "IMHO, mixed-case C names should be avoided, as
   mistyping something in the wrong case can cause hard-to-detect
   errors --- and they look too Pascalish anyhow."  Also seen in
   variant forms such as IMNSHO (In My Not-So-Humble Opinion) and IMAO
   (In My Arrogant Opinion).
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
IMHO: Iguanas Make Horrible...we can't think of a word for 'O'
%%
IMHO: In My Honest Opinion
%%
IMHO: In My Huge Orifice...?
%%
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
%%
IMHO: Intellectualls Must Hold Office...?
%%
IMHO: Irascible Morons Have Orgasms...?
%%
I'm hopelessly addicted to my PC and modem!
%%
I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
 for good things to eat
 for Sugar Jets, Sugar Jets
 (whole toasted wheat)
 -- Advertisement
%%
I might as well exercise - I'm in a bad mood anyway.
%%
I might be any number of things, young lady.   As it happens,
   I am the Doctor.
 -- Hartnell Doctor, THE FIVE DOCTORS
%%
I might be fat but you are ugly and I can diet.
%%
I might be white but I ain't stupid.
 -- Stevie Ray Vaughn
%%
I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations
beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn
things.
 -- Dorothy Parker, The Portable, 1944
%%
IM: Imagine Memory
%%
..  I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
 of a KOSHER DELI --
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm immortal. I'm bored. Let's party.
%%
I'm immortal - so far.
%%
I'm immortal...so far.
 -- Earle Robinson
%%
I'm...I'm supposed to be dead.
 -- Yar to Picard, "Yesterday's Enterprise", stardate 43625.2
%%
I'm in a bad mood.
 -- WinError #3
%%
I'm in a class by myself.  Everyone else graduated.
%%
I'm in a good mood.
 -- WinError #4
%%
I'm in a groove now -- or is it a rut?
%%
I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
%%
I'm in charge here.
 -- Al Haig
%%
I'm incredibly jealous, but still glad for you.
%%
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm in here for being crazy, not stupid.
%%
I'm in my own little world, but everybody knows me there.
%%
I'm innocent and haven't been read my rights!
%%
I'm in no rush to be a mother-in-law, just so long as it's before
I'm a grandma.
 -- Phyllis Friedl
%%
I'm in no shape to exercise!
%%
I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
%%
I'm in search of myself.  Have you seen me anywhere?
%%
I'm in shape ... a filled ellipse's a shape, isn't it?
%%
I'm in shape ... pear's a shape isn't it?
%%
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
%%
I'm in shape ... square's a shape isn't it?
%%
I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man
is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.
 -- Clint Eastwood
%%
I'm in the computer business, I make Out-Of-Order signs.
%%
I'm into BBS&M.
%%
I'm into SOFTWARE!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm in total control, but don't tell my girlfriend.
%%
I miss Auntie Em so much!.....ToTo
%%
I missed my girlfriend... Then I reloaded...
%%
I miss my old chair.
 -- Kirk,  "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
Imitating Mozart: Sam Phony
%%
 (Imitating Mr.  Rogers:)  Hello.  I'm in the Neighborhood of
 Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.  Can you
 leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
 Sure...  I knew you could.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
Imitation is suicide.
 -- Emerson
%%
Imitation is the flatteringest form of sincerity!
%%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
%%
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
 -- Fred Allen (1894-1956)
%%
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
 -- The New Mighty Mouse
%%
I'm jealous of the unborn's and the passed-on's.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm Jewish, and Shabtai Zvi will return!
%%
I'm joining the Procrastinators Club - soon.
%%
I'm just about finished, just a coulple more seconds...
%%
I'm just a kitten in the litterbox of life.
%%
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
 -- Elaine Boosler
%%
I'm just a product of my own imagination....
%%
I'm just a revved up youth on a thrill-kill rampage.
%%
I'm just a victim of Gravity...
%%
I'm just catching up with yesterday
- by TOMORROW - I should be ready for today.
%%
I'm just confused....I USED to be amazed!
%%
I'm just glad humans have progressed beyond the need for such barbaric
  displays.
Have they? Commander Riker and his father are about to engage in
  barbarism of their own.
 -- Dr. Pulaski and Troi, "The Icarus Factor", stardate 42686.4
%%
I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper.
 -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
 -- Gone With The Wind.
%%
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is
 wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."  But I've never even seen a
 radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I'm just here for moral support. Ignore the gun.
%%
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
%%
I'm just naturally respectful of pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
%%
I'm just needling you about the thread.
%%
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round.
 -- John Lennon
%%
I'm just trying out this . It seems a bit small.
%%
I'm just trying out this tagline. It's not registered yet.
%%
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
 -- David Letterman
%%
I'm killing time, wasting space, and going through a
phase
%%
I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off infinity.  Then I got
 bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm kind of lazy. I'm dating a pregnant woman.
 -- Ron Richards
%%
I'm kind of like Han Solo, always stroking his own wookie,
I'm the root of all that's evil, yeah but you can call me Cookie.
 -- The Bloodhound Gang.
%%
I'm leaving my BBS to Science Fiction.
%%
I'm leaving the apartment. But first I'm getting a thousand roaches. 'Cause
 it said in the rent book, "Leave the place as you found it."
 -- Dolly Allen
%%
I'm like a bad TSR; I keep popping up!
%%
I'm like a TSR...I get loaded before working.
%%
IML: Invoke Murphy's Laws
%%
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living
apart.
 -- e e cummings (1894-1962)
%%
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone
around for company."
  "Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful,
intelligent and gracious - she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross
word."
  "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"
  "An arm and a leg."
  "That's pretty steep," countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?"
%%
I'm looking for a computer with a Sex Drive.
%%
I'm looking for a cynical girl.
%%
I'm looking for a meaningful, one-night relationship.
%%
I'm looking for an Al, last name Coholic.
%%
I'm looking for freedom - can you direct me?
%%
I'm looking for lust in all the wrong places.
%%
I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.
 -- Robin Williams
%%
I'm looking for myself. Anybody seen me lately?
%%
I'm Losing More Than I Ever Had.
%%
I'm losing my thought of train....
%%
I'm losin' it!
 -- Geordi
%%
I'm lost!  Can you help?....
%%
I'm lost in a Batch of BATs.
%%
I'm lysdexic...
%%
I'm mad and so am I!
%%
I'm mad as heck....where's the check!
%%
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!
%%
I'm mad at you because you were someone else.
%%
I'm made of rubber,
 You're made of glue.
 Everything you say
 Bounces off me
 And sticks to you.
%%
I'm MAD! This 486 doesn't spel any beter then the XT!
%%
I'm making a career of evil.
%%
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
%%
Immanuel Kant ... but Gengis Khan.
%%
Immanuel Kant ... but Kubla Khan.
%%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
%%
I'm married to a Computer Widow!
%%
I'm married to an English guy. He's a typical English guy. He's very
 reserved. In fact, it wasn't until after we were married that I actually
 knew he wanted to go out with me.
 -- Kit Hollerbach
%%
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."  Mature love says
"I need you because I love you."
 -- Erich Fromm
%%
Immature poets imitate;  mature poets steal.
 -- T.S. Eliot
%%
I'm McBorg of Telix, no other program needs assimulation!
%%
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
 PERSONAL SPACE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm melting... Melting!
 -- Wicked witch of the west in "The wizard of Oz"
%%
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!
%%
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
 Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
IMMIGRANT, n.  An unenlightened person who thinks one country better
than another.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
 -- Jack Paar
%%
I'm Mike Levey and welcome to Amazing Discoveries.
%%
Imminent death of the Net predicted--GIFs at 11
%%
:Imminent Death Of The Net Predicted!: [USENET] prov. Since
   {USENET} first got off the ground in 1980--81, it has grown
   exponentially, approximately doubling in size every year.  On the
   other hand, most people feel the {signal-to-noise ratio} of
   USENET has dropped steadily.  These trends led, as far back as
   mid-1983, to predictions of the imminent collapse (or death) of the
   net.  Ten years and numerous doublings later, enough of these
   gloomy prognostications have been confounded that the phrase
   "Imminent Death Of The Net Predicted!" has become a running joke,
   hauled out any time someone grumbles about the {S/N ratio} or
   the huge and steadily increasing volume, or the possible loss of a
   key node or link, or the potential for lawsuits when ignoramuses
   post copyrighted material, etc., etc., etc.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Immodest words admit of no defence,
For want of decency is want of sense.
 -- Earl of Roscommon (1633-1684)
 -- Essay on Translated Verse, Line 113
%%
IMMORAL, adj.  Inexpedient.  Whatever in the long run and with regard
to the greater number of instances men find to be generally
inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.  If man's
notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of
expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other
way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and
nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a
lie and reason a disorder of the mind.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Immorality will continue until beatings improve.
%%
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
%%
I'm more humble than you are!
%%
I'm morphing objects in another window.
%%
Immortal gods! how much does one man excel another! What a difference
there is between a wise person and a fool!
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2, 1, (232.)
%%
Immortal gods, I crave no pelf;
I pray for no man but myself;
Grant I may never prove so fond,
To trust man on his oath or bond.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Timon of Athens
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
 -- Edgar A. Shoaff
%%
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
 -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
%%
Immortality.  I notice that as soon as writers broach this
question they begin to quote.  I hate quotations.  Tell me what you
know.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), Journals May 1849
%%
Immortality is dead!
%%
Immortality lies not in the things you leave behind, but in the people
your life has touched.
%%
IMMORTALITY, n.
    A toy which people cry for,
    And on their knees apply for,
    Dispute, contend and lie for,
        And if allowed
        Would be right proud
    Eternally to die for.
                                                                  G.J.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I'm most _dreadfully_ embarrased !
 -- MofL
%%
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm much too young to feel this damned old.
 -- Any Time Lord.
%%
I'm multilingual: English, French, Chinese, Drobnik.
%%
I'm multitasking, not multiuser. Tell my boss.
%%
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
%%
I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.
%%
I'm never going to be famous.  My name will never be writ large on the
 roster of Those Who Do Things.  I don't do any thing.  Not one single
 thing.  I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
I'm never going to feel this way about anyone else.
You're right.
I didn't expect you to say that.
Oh, there will be others - but, the next time you feel love will be
  different. Each time is different.
Knowing that doesn't make it any easier.
It isn't supposed to.
 -- Wesley and Guinan, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
I'm never late--nothing starts without me!
%%
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
 -- J. F. Kennedy
%%
I'm new and what's all this then?
%%
I'm new to Fido.  Can't quite get a Handle ON IT!
 -- ML
%%
I'm no housewife, try Domestic Engineer!
%%
I'm no Jack Kennedy, and the old lady sure as blazes isn't Jackie, either!
 -- Quayle Quote
%%
I'm no longer prepared to accept what people say and what's written in books,
I must think things out for myself, and try to find my own answer.
 -- Ibsen
%%
I'm no one's trophy!!!
 -- Constance Barr
%%
I'm NOT 30... I am 20 with 10 years experience!
%%
I'm NOT 36... I am 18 with 18 years experience!
%%
I'm NOT 40... I am 18 with 22 years experience!
%%
I'm not a big drinker. I just put away a lotta little ones. I mean to say
 I'm not a steady drinker--'cause I shake too much. My doctor tells me if I
 keep drinkin' I'll never see a ripe old age. But I don't believe the dear
 doctor. 'Cause every night I see more old drunkards than I see old doctors.
 -- Joe E. Lewis
%%
I'm not a breast man. I'm a breast *person*.
 -- jwh
%%
I'm not a cleric! They wanted me to be a cleric, but I refused. Party
needed a healer, they said. Hah! Fighters with all the brains of a doorknob
attack something twenty times their size, with a bizillion hit points, and
they expect ME to pull their heads out of their rib cages!
 -- Zifnab, "Elven Star"
%%
I'm not a complete idiot, several parts are missing!
%%
I'm not a computer nerd...I'm a computer JOCK!
%%
I'm not a crook; I'm "ethically challenged."
%%
I'm not a crook! Nixon said resignedly.
%%
I'm not a cultist... I just like sacrificing virgins for fun....
%%
I'm NOT addicted. I just use the modem all the time.
%%
I'm NOT addicted. I just watch hockey ALL the time.
%%
I'm not a dictator. It's just that I have a grumpy face.
%%
I'm not a D.J., but I play one on the radio.
%%
I'm not a doctor, although I play one on tv
%%
I'm not a FAN--I just read the stuff
%%
I'm not afraid of death. It's the make-over at the undertaker's that scares
 me ... They try to make you look as lifelike as possible, which defeats the
 whole purpose. It's hard to feel bad for somebody who looks better than you
 do.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
I'm not afraid of death!  What's it gonna do?  Kill me?
%%
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.
%%
I'm not afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of falling from them.
%%
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?  It would
 take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it.  And you
 know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me?  I just sort of slip off to
 the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I'm not afraid of work...
 I can even sleep beside it.
%%
    I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock
%%
I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway.
 -- Groucho Marx?
%%
I'm not a ghost!  I'm just dimensionally challenged.
%%
I'm not a god, I was misquoted.
 -- Lister, Red Dwarf
%%
I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pedantic and that's just
 as good.
 -- D Gary Grady
%%
I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on the guitar.
%%
I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on the violin.
%%
I'm not a lesbian, but my girlfriend is.
%%
I'm not alone, but then I am...
 -- Robin Trower
%%
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
 -- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
%%
I'm not a mercenary--killing's more of a hobby with me
%%
I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority!
%%
I'm not an acronym...  I'm a human being!  Err...  Oops.
%%
I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV.
%%
I'm not an airhead...I'm a cerebro-atmospheric individual.
%%
I'm not an alcoholic... I run on bio-fuel...
%%
I'm not an idiot, but I play one on the net.
%%
I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm not an MCP!! Some of my best friends are bimbos.
%%
I'm not an opinionated jerk, I just act like that on Fido echos
%%
I'm not anti-religion, religion's anti-me.
%%
I'm not apathetic, I just don't give a damn.
%%
I'm not a photographer.  I just wear all this to lose weight.
%%
I'm not a programmer, but I play one at work.
 -- Gregg Parmentier
%%
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
%%
I'm not a pushover, believe me.  I laugh at
 HAMLET.
 -- Billy Wilder
%%
I'm not a real movie star.  I've still got the same wife I started out
  with twenty-eight years ago.
 -- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
%%
I'm not a real sysop, I just play one on TV.
%%
I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!
%%
I'm not as dumb as you look.
%%
I'm not a short person - I'm a tall elf.
%%
I'm not as innocent as I look!
%%
I'm not asking you to LIVE in sin, only to visit awhile..
%%
I'm not a slob ... I'm organizationally challenged ...
%%
I'm not as paranoid as you tell you everyone I am.
%%
I'm not a stranger, only a friend you haven't met.
%%
I'm not a sysop, although I play one on TV.
%%
I'm not a Sysop, but I know their "occasional" *pain*.
%%
I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.
%%
I'm not a System Administrator, but I play one on TV.
%%
I'm not a tease--teases make promises they don't keep.
I'm a flirt--I make no promises at all!
%%
 I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.  So
 please leave a message after the tone.  I didn't take a shower
 today, and I might not take one tomorrow.  So if you don't leave
 a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
 person.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
I'm not a utopian--I'd settle for a world where the
nice guys finish second last.
%%
I'm not available for comment..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm not a vampire.  I just eat like one.
%%
I'm not avoiding the question; I responded to the question.  I'm avoiding
 the answer.
 -- The Locker Gnome
%%
I'm not a witch doctor-- I'm only a folk medic.
%%
I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
%%
I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way.
 -- Jessica Rabbit, WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?
%%
I'm not Bajoran.   Sisko punched me in the nose.
 -- Kira
%%
I'm not bald, I'm merly follicly challanged
%%
I'm not black, but there's a whole lot of
times I wish I could say I'm not white.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
I'm not black like Barry White though I am white like Frank Black is.
 -- The Bloodhound Gang.
%%
I'm not bossy, I merely have an instructional surfeit.
%%
I'm not breaking the rules--I'm just testing their elasticity.
%%
I'm not broke, I'm `finacially challenged'.
%%
I'm not Canadian, although I tend to like their bacon.
%%
I'm not Cheap - Just Frugal.
%%
I'm not cheap, you know.  Loud, but never cheap.
%%
I'm not complaining, I never complain, I only observe and muse.
%%
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad.
%%
I'm not conceited, I just can't stand mortals.
%%
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of
 hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
 -- George Carlin
%%
I'm not confused, just well mixed.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
I'm not crazy. I just don't give a s#1t
%%
I'm not crazy. I just have a unique sense of reality.
%%
I'm not crazy. I'm chlorinated
%%
I'm not crazy. I'm just acting this way to annoy you.
%%
I'm not crazy. I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
%%
I'm not cynical about marriage or romance.  I enjoyed being married.
And although being single was fun for a while, there was always the risk
of dating someone who'd owned a lunch box with my picture on it.
 -- Shaun Cassidy, married at 21, divorced at 33.
%%
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
%%
I'm not dead.
%%
I'm not dead. I'm electroencephelographically challenged.
%%
I'm not dead, I'm metabolically challenged.
%%
I'm not dead yet! I think I'll go for a walk.
%%
I'm not different--you all are just the same.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm not dishonest, I'm morally different.
%%
I'm not drunk - I'm just motorfunctionally challenged
%%
I'm not expendible, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going!...
 -- Avon
%%
I'm not fat, I'm gravitationally challenged.
%%
I'm not fat, I'm just horizontally gifted.
%%
I'm not fat, I'm metabolically challenged!
%%
I'm not fat, just horizontally disproportionate.
%%
I'm not Flaming, I'm just Smoldering!
%%
I'm not gay but my Boyfriend is.
%%
I'm not gay, my husband is.
%%
I'm not getting fatter ! Just thickening with age.
%%
I'm not getting older, I'm getting stranger!
%%
I'm not getting paid much for staying alive but it's good experience.
%%
I'm not giving him a penalty for fighting! You didn't fight back!
%%
I'm not going to be anybody's puppet, particularly not my own.
 -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I'm not going to bed after all.  Somebody around here hath murdered sleep.
Good for him.
 -- J.D.Salinger
 -- Seymour:An Introduction
%%
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
 -- Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)
%%
I'm not going to get side-tracked onto a tangent.
%%
I'm not going to make the same mistake once.
%%
I'm not going to sit here like a spare -- like a spare lemon
    waiting for the squeezer.
 -- Lethbridge-Stewart, THE DAEMONS
%%
I'm not happy, I'm cheerful.  There's a
 difference.  A happy woman has no cares at all.  A
 cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to
 deal with them.
 -- Beverly Sills
%%
I'm not happy until I've violated somebody's civil rights and then put them
 in jail. ... That ruins their day ... but it makes mine.
 -- Christopher Commission report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91
%%
I'm not homo-phobic, I'm homo-cidic....
%%
I'm not hostile! I'll kill the #%! that said that!
%%
I'm not illiterate.  I know what my parent's names are!
%%
I'm not illiterate!  My parents were married...
%%
I'm not imaginary--I'm ontologically challenged
%%
I'M NOT IN A #@#(*) BAD MOOD YOU #@#@(*  @#@*&#(@
%%
I'm not in a hurry - I just want to get in front of you.
%%
I'm not insensitive, I'm male.  See the difference?
%%
I'm not insensitive, I'm political-correctness challenged.
%%
I'm not intending to imply insult or judgment here but I am curious
to know in order to be able to respond to your posts in an appropriate
manner, so please forgive what appears to be, but in fact is not intended
as, an insulting question:
Are you stupid?
 -- Melinda Shore
%%
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
 -- Carol Leifer
%%
I'm not irresponsible--I'm out of control.
%%
I'm not judging you, I'm judging me!
 -- Mission of Burma
%%
I'm not just one of your snuggle-girls, Will.
 -- Beverly
%%
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you!
%%
I'm not lazy, I'm limiting my environmental impact!
%%
I'm not like other people.  You see, pain hurts me.
 -- Darkwing Duck
%%
I'm not living in the real world, I'm living in a magazine.
 -- Blondie
%%
I'm not loafing -- I'm just doing research on inertia.
%%
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
%%
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
%%
I'm not lost, I'm destination deficient.
%%
I'm not lost, I'm directionally indecisive.
%%
I'm not lost, I'm Geographically Challenged!
%%
I'm not lost - just misguided.
%%
I'm not lying.  I'm just avoiding the truth.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.
%%
I'm not..no I am..no, I'm NOT indecisive.  Am I?
%%
I'm not okay, and neither are you as far as I'm concerned.
 -- Jon Lewis
%%
I'm not old, I'm a recycled teenager.
%%
I'm not old, I'm chronologically challenged.
%%
I'm not old, I'm chronologically gifted.
%%
I'm not only NYR's center, I'm also a client.
 -- Hair Club For Men ad
%%
I'm not only the hair club president; I'm a member!
%%
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!
%%
I'm not overweight, I'm undertall!
 -- Garfield
%%
I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic.
It's much more entertaining.
%%
I'm not paranoid, everyone IS out to get me!
%%
I'm not paranoid, it's just that everyone else thinks I am.
 -- G Farber
%%
I'm not paranoid - just a student of history.
%%
I'm not paranoid. That's a rumor spread by my enemies.
%%
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
%%
I'm not paranoid! Why's everyone say I'm paranoid?  REALLY, I'm not!
%%
I'm not picking my nose, I'm pointing to my brain.
%%
I'm not playing hard to get. I AM HARD TO GET!
%%
I'm not politically correct. I'm ideologically approved!
%%
I'm not politically incorrect - you're ideologically sheltered.
%%
I'm not quite dead yet, sir!
%%
I'm not really a cowboy.  I just found the hat...
%%
I'm not really a lesbian -- it's a career move.
%%
I'm not really bad. I just write messages that way.
%%
I'm not religious. God willing, I never will be.
%%
I'm not repeating myself. I'm not repeating myself.
%%
I'm not round. I'm an oblate spheroid.
%%
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
%%
I'm not saying that the Ministry of Defence in London does not have the
 whole picture of what is going on, but they only have a partial one.
%%
I'm not saying this woman is stupid--but when the wind blows, her forehead
 buckles in ... And my cousin, well, he wasn't too bright, I guess. Chickens
 teased him.
 -- Brett Butler
%%
I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a bit..
 -- Dr. Strangelove
%%
I'm NOT schizo!  Oh, yes I AM!
%%
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
%%
I'm not schizophrenic, I'm mentally multitasking!
%%
I'm not schizophrenic, I'm "multi-faceted"
%%
I'm not schizophrenic. It's this guy beside me!
%%
I'm not Schizophrenic! Yes I am! No I'm Not! Who are you?
%%
I'm not selling out--I'm buying in.
%%
I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.
%%
I'm not shy--I'm studying my prey.
%%
I'm not single, I'm just matrimonially challenged.
%%
I'm not so much human as cat furniture.
%%
I'm not so sure that I will miss Johnny Carson, but Johnny Carson will
miss me.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle (reported in the Houston
                   Chronicle, 5/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly,
                   Summer/Fall 1992)
%%
I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
%%
I'm not spoiled...I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
%%
I'm not square, I'm "culturally challenged".
%%
I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going.
 -- Ker Avon
%%
I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not gophering.
%%
I'm not stupid, just informationaly impaired!
%%
I'm not super man. But I am very dense.
%%
I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles.
 -- J.B.S. Haldane,
 -- when asked what has the study of biology had taught him about the Creator
%%
I'm not sure I'm up for a "Murphy Brown" appearance yet. I'm not sure
that they want a guest appearance by me either... Well, I'd consider
it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle on Larry King Live.
                   He also said that he'd make a guest appearance as long
                   as his point of view wasn't censored.
                   (CNN, July 22, 1992)
%%
I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those
with the most opinions often have the fewest facts.
 -- Bethania McKenstry
%%
I'm not sure officer.. He just said FAX ME UP SCOTTIE..
%%
I'm not sure of what I should do -- when every thought I'm thinking of is you
%%
"I'm not SURE that that makes sense, DM."
  "Well, it is a CARTOON, sir..."
 -- Dangermouse
%%
I'm not sure where we are, Toto, but I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!
 -- Dorothy Gale in "The wizard of Oz"
%%
I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
%%
I'm not that easy to get rid of.
 -- Turlough, MAWDRYN UNDEAD
%%
I'm not the fastest programmer, but I'm the most careful.
%%
I'm not the heroic type.  I was beaten up by Quakers.
 -- Woody Allen, Sleeper
%%
I'm not the man I thought I was, but then again, I may be more...
%%
I'm not the one who misplaced the Deltivid Asteroid Belt.
 -- Q to Q2
%%
I'm not the world's greatest lover, but eigth place ain't bad.
%%
I'm not thrilled about flying.... We don't know how old the airplanes are
 and there's really no way for us to tell, 'cause we're laymen. But I figure
 if the plane smells like your grandmother's house, get out. That's where I
 draw the line.
 -- Garry Shandling
%%
I'm not trying to be hostile... It's just an attitude adjustment.
%%
I'm not ugly.  I'm just aesthetically challenged.
%%
I'm not unemployed, I'm indefinately leisured.
%%
I'm not unemployed--I'm looking for the perfect job.
%%
I'm Not Very Smart But I Can Lift Really Heavy Things!
%%
I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
%%
I'm not white, I'm just melanin disadvantaged.
%%
I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the
 thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'
%%
I'm not yelling--I'm just raising my voice.
 -- T. K. Kelly
%%
I'm not young enough to know it ALL, like some people.
%%
I'm now running a "re-engineered" 20 MHz SX!
%%
"I'm nuts about knots."
 -- Seen on a Scouter bumper sticker
%%
I'm objective; I object to everything.
%%
I modem down, but they grew back.
%%
I'm off to the queen.
Shall I come too, my lord?
No...better not, people might think we're friends.
 -- Edmund and Percy : Head
%%
I'm off to wax the shuttlecraft!  Anyone got a tribble I can use?
%%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial
intelligence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places
out there, and use the word *billions*, and so on.
And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
 -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer,
 -- Vol. 12, Fall 87
%%
I'm okay and you're okay... but I'm more okay than you.
%%
I'm okay-It's only a flesh wound. Get that file uploaded!
%%
I'm OK, you're OK.
%%
I'm omnipotent--ask me how.
%%
I'm on a plane and it hits me: When did it become a federal regulation that
 you have to have at least seven crying babies on every flight? I just want
 to know: Where are they going? Why are they on planes? They have no
 appointments, they were born just days ago. Our times are so hectic that
 babies are born and go, "I just popped out of the womb, I gotta dry up,
 learn to breathe--I'll be on the two o'clock, it's the best I can do ..."
 -- Paul Reiser
%%
I'm on a seafood diet.  I see food and I eat it.
%%
I'm on decaffeinated prozac.
%%
I'm one-of-a-kind. (Just what kind, nobody's really sure.)
%%
I'm one of the few to ever throw a javelin two hundred yards ... Well,
 actually I only threw it one hundred yards. The guy it hit crawled the
 other hundred.
 -- Jose Jimenez (Bill Dana)
%%
I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.
%%
I'm only a beer teetotaler, not a champagne teetotaler.
%%
I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Candida, Act III
%%
I'm only a hypnotist, so this is only a suggestion.
%%
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
%%
I'm only happy when I'm watching a hockey game.
%%
I'm only happy when I worry about stuff.
%%
I'm only here for the Beer...
%%
I'm only here for the oxygen.
%%
I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me.
%%
I'm only sixteen! I'm too young to be freeze dried!
%%
I'm only telling you this for your own good...
%%
I'm on that like white on rice.
%%
I'm on the Bleeding Edge of Technology!
%%
I'm on the Brute Squad.
 -- You *are* the Brute Squad!
%%
I'm on the crest of a slump.
%%
I 'm on the sea! I 'm on the sea!
I am where I would ever be,
With the blue above and the blue below,
And silence wheresoe'er I go.
 -- Bryan W. Procter (1787-1874)
 -- The Sea
%%
I'm on the trailing edge of technology.
%%
I'm opposed to millionares, but it would be dangerous to
offer me the position.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
I moreover affirm that our wisdom itself, and wisest consultations,
for the most part commit themselves to the conduct of chance.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. viii
%%
I'm out of bed and dressed.  What more do you want?
%%
I'm out of the loop, and that's the way I like it.
%%
I'm outstanding in my field (left field) knee deep in BS.
%%
I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch light on all
 day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I moving to fast for you?
No, I'm moving to fast for me.
I like that better.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all day.
You must have had a nice day.
Anticipation is fun.
 -- Devinoni Rai and Troi, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
I'm pagan too!   [on pentacle]
%%
IMPALE, v.t.  In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains
fixed in the wound.  This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is,
properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the
body, the victim being left in a sitting position.  This was a common
mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is
still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia.  Down to the
beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in
"churching" heretics and schismatics.  Wolecraft calls it the "stoole
of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as
"riding the one legged horse."  Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in
Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for
crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded
for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of
sacrilege.  To the person in actual experience of impalement it must
be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious
dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he
would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in
the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Imparadis'd in one another's arms.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 506
%%
I'm paranoid about everything. Even at home, on my stationary exercise
 bike, I have a rearview mirror ... This is rumor, but one of my uncles said
 that apparently at birth I snuck out. He said I turned around and looked
 over my shoulder as I came out of the womb. I was paranoid, I thought maybe
 someone was following me.
 -- Richard Lewis
%%
Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting
opinions.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I'm part of the 57% that didn't vote for Clinton.
%%
I'm part Scotch -- and part water . . .
%%
Impatience dires the blood sooner than age or sorrow.
 -- Creon
%%
Impatient straight to flesh his virgin sword.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xx, Line 461
%%
Impeach Clinton now.  Avoid the rush in '96.
%%
IMPEACH HILLARY!!!
%%
Impeach Hillary she is bad for our health!
%%
Impeach the Clinton's! NO, LYNCH THEM!!
%%
Impeach the President!  (And her husband, too.)
%%
Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.
%%
Impeccable: Unable to be eaten by a chicken.
 -- Ray Hand
%%
I'm pedalling as fast as I can.
%%
IMPENITENCE, n.  A state of mind intermediate in point of time between
sin and punishment.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Impenitent Order of the Mystic Cesspool.
%%
I'm perfectly willing to be judged.
But only by God and history.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay,
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
IMPG: IMPress Girlfriend
%%
IMPIETY, n.  Your irreverence toward my deity.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
IMP: Imitate Monty Python
%%
I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.
%%
implementation - a sorrowful statement by a very small person.
%%
Implementation is the fruitless struggle by the
talented and underpaid to fulfill promises made by the rich
and ignorant.
%%
Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror.
%%
Implied
Subjection, but requir'd with gentle sway,
And by her yielded, by him best receiv'd,--
Yielded with coy submission, modest pride,
And sweet, reluctant, amorous delay.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 307
%%
Implores the passing tribute of a sigh.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- Elegy in a Country Churchyard, Stanza 20
%%
**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any
time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
%%
Important: as of next tuesday Common-Lisp will use square
brackets instead of parentheses. Update your files!
%%
IMPORTANT!! Dont't read this.  It doesn't say much.
%%
Important Fact from Galactic History, Number One: (reproduced from the
"Siderial Daily Mentioner's Book of Popular Galactic History")

The night sky over the planet Krikkit is the least interesting sight in
the entire Universe.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Important ideas are those that lie within the allowable scope of nature's laws.
%%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
 -- Barnard's Law of Correspondance
%%
Important note: The Anti-Social Committee will not be meeting this week.
%%
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS:
The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back
into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
%%
Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially
when people are looking.
 -- Charles Fetridge
%%
Imports are ports very far inland.
%%
IMPOSITION, n.  The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on
of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but
performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

    "Lo! by the laying on of hands,"
        Say parson, priest and dervise,
    "We consecrate your cash and lands
        To ecclesiastical service.
    No doubt you'll swear till all is blue
    At such an imposition.  Do."
                                                          Pollo Doncas
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I'm positively enameled with this subject.
%%
I'm *positive* Rush Limbaugh is an idiot!
%%
Impossible, adj.:
     (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may
perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
 -- Chad C. Mulligan, The Hipcrime Vocab
%%
Impossible - adj. Nailing Jello to a tree.
%%
Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Impossible, I tested it! It can't fire a missile like that!
%%
IMPOSTOR n.  A rival aspirant to public honors.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Impotent:  Distinguished; well known...
%%
I'm practicing assertiveness.  Do you think that's okay?
%%
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
 life.
%%
Impressive; but how big's your dick?
%%
Impressive demonstration, isn't it.
Demonstration? It tried to kill us.
 -- The Peddler and Picard, "Arsenal of Freedom", stardate 41798.2
%%
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
 instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Imprisoned in .QWK file!  Send the ZIP army!
%%
I'm probably crazy.  Either that or its just the hormones.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm probably going to get hit for this one but... I couldn't resist...
%%
I'm Pro-Choice!  And I chose WildCat!
%%
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
 -- Somerset Maugham
%%
I'm PROUD to be a CARBON-BASED life form!
%%
I'm Proud To Be An Expert Tagline Thief!
%%
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
 -- Arthur Godfrey
%%
I'm proud to have been a part of your moral decline.
%%
Improve a mechanical device and you may double productivity.  But
  improve man, you gain a thousandfold.
 -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3142.8.
%%
Improved - didn't work the second time.
%%
Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!!
%%
Improve man, you gain a thousandfold.
%%
Improve response time -- go home.
%%
Improve the average conversation: Constantly reply "I don't know".
%%
Improve your environment, using a wand of rearrangement.
%%
Improve your memory, forget about work.
%%
IMPROVIDENCE, n.  Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues
of to-morrow.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
IMPUNITY, n.  Wealth.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
 while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot.
 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
%%
I'm rated PG-34!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm reading this by the warm glow of my dog.
%%
I'm ready to leap NOW!
%%
I'm ready to travel at WARP speed!
%%
I'm ready.
 --  Vice President Dan Quayle describing his ability to take over
 -- the presidency after President Bush vomits and collapses in Tokyo,
 -- 1/8/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I'm really bouncing with joy today.
%%
I'm really concerned about my wife since we moved to California. She's
 gotten kind of kinky. She likes to tie me up and then go out with someone
 else.
 -- Tom Dreesen
%%
I'm really enjoying my stay on earth.
%%
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again
 real soon, okay?
%%
I'm really sorry about always saying I'm really sorry.
%%
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm related to people I don't relate to.
 -- Calvin
%%
I'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
 Equip me with MISSILES!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do
 the Latin Hustle now!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm Retired: Fishing IS my job!
%%
I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
 -- English Professor, Providence College
%%
I'm rich and you aren't, so there!
 -- J. Pierpont Flathead, Bank of Zork
%%
I'm right 13.2% of the time.  Why worry about the other 85%?
%%
I'm Ronald Goldman who the hell arhgkhjgvftyu@%4r578^#%& NO CARRIER
%%
I'm running NextStep on Atari 2600 Video Game System.
%%
I'm running out of tagline materials!  Help!
%%
I'm Rush Limbaugh's Homosexual Liberal Democratic Lover.
%%
I'm Rush Limbaugh's Liberal Democratic domestic partner.
%%
I'm saving my money for when they get Phaser Printers!
%%
I'm saying nothing and I'm saying it
 -- John Cage
%%
I'm Scared!: Emma Fraid
%%
I'm scared of sex now. You have to be. You can get something terminal, like
 a kid.
 -- Wendy Liebman
%%
I'm self-employed, and my boss is a bastard.
%%
I'm self-employed, and my boss is a bitch.
%%
I'm sending over a hand. Maybe an arm will come later.
Maybe a body will come with it.
 -- [On phone to the x-ray technician]
%%
I'm Serfectly Pober.
%%
I'm serious; it was a joke.
%%
I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm shooting forward at the speed of 60 minutes per hour.
%%
I'm shouting again.  I've got to watch that.
 -- One of said invaders worrying about appearances....
%%
I'm sick and tired of all this sex on the telly! I keep falling off.
 -- Monty Python
%%
I'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!
All it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!
 -- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
%%
I'm sick of Elders. Am I covered under the health plan?
%%
I'm sick of Hillary.  Am I covered under the health plan?
%%
I'm sick of liberals...Hillary, am I covered for that?
%%
I'm sick of reading these cookies...  Especially
when they are as useless as this one...
 -- Yoshi
%%
I'm sitting in a bar, having a drink. Over here is a man having a drink. He
 falls down three times. I pick him up each time. I said, "Bartender, where
 does this guy live? I'll give him a lift home."

 He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, open
 the back door, put him in the back seat. He falls down. I get to the
 address they gave me. I pull him out, he falls down three more times. I
 pick him up each time. I knock on the door. "Mrs. Phillips, I brought your
 husband home." She says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
 -- Henny Youngman
%%
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN..  To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
 I'm WARM..  I'm VIBRATORY..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I 'm sitting on the stile, Mary,
  Where we sat side by side.
 -- Lady Dufferin (1807-1867)
 -- Lament of the Irish Emigrant
%%
I'm Smoketoomuch.
%%
I'm SMOKING the Dragon...
%%
I'm so bored, I'm starting to miss her.
%%
I'm so close to hell I can almost see Vegas!
%%
I'm so conservative I even press my socks...
%%
I'm so cool I can hardly bear to gaze upon my wonderful
contenance in the morning, but it does get easier with age
and wisdom
%%
I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling.
 -- The Cat
%%
I'm SO far out in the boonies that even 911 is a long distance call.
%%
IMSO FNY
%%
I'm so free of fault, nature rewarded me by making me perfect!
%%
I'm so full of joie de vivre.
%%
I'm so glad I don't like asparagus, said the small girl to a
 sympathetic friend. Because if I did, I should have to eat it, and I
 can't bear it!
 -- Lewis Carroll
%%
I'm so glad to see you!  I've run out of people to torment.
%%
I'm so horney even the crack of Dawn isn't safe!
%%
I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable.
%%
I'm so hungry, I could eat a...  wait!  Come back, Scheibe.
%%
I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm so in touch with my inner child that my condoms are made by Fisher-Pricer.
%%
I'm solidly behind whichever side eventually wins.
%%
I'm so lonesome in the saddle since my horse died.
%%
I'm Someone Else: Ima Nonymous
%%
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Around.
 -- Kip Addotta
%%
I'm so nervous, I just sit and smile.
%%
I'm so nervous, yesterday I got a fingernail transplant!
%%
I'm SO nice, that when I step in it I don't say it.
%%
I'm sorry, baby. You want monogamy? Marry a swan.
 -- HEARTBURN
%%
I'm sorry, but a unicorn doesn't work like a mule
%%
I'm sorry, but I could swear you just called me a MACRO!
%%
I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that. I'm all out of Taglines.
%%
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
 -- HAL 9000
%%
I'm sorry, did I assassinate your penguin?
%%
I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
%%
I'm sorry, I become inaudible when I am shy.
%%
I'm sorry, I can't see you Saturday. I'm expecting a headache.
%%
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
%%
I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry.
%%
I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to argue any more.
%%
I'm sorry Mrs. Bobbitt, you can't send that in the mail.
%%
I'm sorry, my IQ's over 80. You wouldn't be interested.
%%
I'm sorry sir, the cat's eaten it.
%%
I'm sorry sir, there must have been a microconverter malfunction!
%%
I'm sorry sir, we can't seem to find the corkscrew !
%%
I'm sorry. Thank you for playing. Next contestant.
%%
I'm sorry, this is becoming a speech.
You're the Captain, sir. You're entitled.
 -- Picard and Troi, "Code of Honor", stardate 41235.25
%%
I'm sorry...were the voices in my head bothering you?
%%
I'm sorry, what does "Off-topic" mean?
%%
I'm sorry, you are not cleared for that information.
%%
I'm sorry. You have been temporarily disconnected!
%%
I'm sorry. You're not cleared of your penalty, yet.
%%
I'm sort of getting tired of being elvis presley.
 -- Elvis
%%
I'm So Skeptical, I Can Hardly Believe It.
%%
I'm spending more time at this library in four days than I did at the
Eureka College Library in four years.
 -- Ronald Reagan during the opening ceremonies
 -- for the library that will house his White House papers.
%%
I'm starting a war for peace!
%%
I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and
 they sent up two hookers.
 -- Bill Maher
%%
I'm stealing back to my same old used to be.
 -- Arlo Guthrie
%%
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
 -- Luis Bunuel
%%
I'm still searching for myself.
%%
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted!
 Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the
 psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army
 in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"
 -- Jackie Mason
%%
I'm still the same old Dax, more or less.
 -- Dax
%%
I'm *still* waiting to see Julia Child prepare roast roadkill.
%%
I'm such an *asshole*!
I know how you feel, Chris... And you're right.
%%
I'm suffering from mood poisoning - must be something I hate
 -- Taken from 'Wild Palms'
%%
I'm sure it's clearly explained in the Zmodem DOC's
%%
I'm sure it's in the manual somewhere...
%%
I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not.
%%
I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do!
He can't do that, said the King, or else he'd have been here first.
 -- Lewis Carroll
%%
I'm sure that I'm confused about being sure..
%%
I'm sure that it's clearly explained in the DSZ .DOC ...
%%
I'm surprised that your skull doesn't implode from the vacuum.
%%
I'm surprised there aren't more solipsists!
%%
I'm surrounded by idiots!
%%
I'm taking last week back to the store, and I won't
even ask for a refund
%%
I'm taking one from the top shelf," he said highhandedly.
%%
I'm talented and flexible.  I could play Hamlet,
 even though I look like King Kong.
 -- Mr. T
%%
I'm telling you, they are EVERYWHERE!
%%
I'm tenured, there's almost nothing you can do about it.
(after making a mistake in sign convention)
%%
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage.
%%
I'm the Descartes of anxiety.  I panic, therefore I am.
 -- Richard Lewis
%%
I'm the Doctor... gotta love me.
 -- Bashir
%%
I'm the guy with one star, 2 G's, 2 Nodes and one Saviour
%%
I'm the head waiter.  This is a vegetarian restaurant only.
We serve no animal flesh of any kind.  We're not only proud
of that, we're ... smug about it.
 -- Monty Python
%%
I'm the leader, which way did they go?
%%
"I'm the luckiest rabbit in the WORLD!  I'm going
 to work for you, my hero... DICK DUCK, DUCK DICK!"
 -- A slight mistake in BULLET CROW
%%
I'm the most dangerous thing around--white trash with brains.
%%
I'm the normal one, everybody ELSE is weird.
%%
I'm the NRA, militia, a voter, and pissed off.
%%
I'm the one from the registry office.
%%
I'm the one who's got to die when its time for me to die, so let me live
 my life the way I want to.
 -- Jimi Hendrix
%%
I'm the only individual of my kind.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm the only one in my neighborhood who has a life-size map of the
 United States. When people ask me where I live, I tell them E-5.
%%
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
%%
I'm the silly green duck with an ego the size of Cleveland.
%%
I'm the Vice-President. They know it, and they know that I know it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about his political enemies, 3/13/89
 -- (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
          __      __
         (  \    /  )
          \  \  /  /
           \  \/  /
            \ ___/
            //  __))
           {/  /(_/ )
           (   ) (_/
            \     /
             \   /
              | |
 I'm the Walrus, I'm the eggman ............
%%
I'm the world's first fully-functioning homicidal artist.
 -- The Joker in the BATMAN movie
%%
I'm the world's foremost authority on my own opinion
%%
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
 computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm thinking! I'm thinking!
%%
I'm thinking of a number between 1 & 6 million. Guess it.
%%
I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic
opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and
generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog
. . . imagine getting paid to act like a six year old!
 -- Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes"
%%
   "I'm through with takin' falls
    And bouncing off the walls;
    Without that gun
    I'd have some fun
    And kick you in the..."
"NOSE!"
       "Nose?  Dat don't rhyme
wit 'walls'!"
   "No, but THIS does!"
>*KRUNCH!*<
 -- Eddie Valiant in ROGER RABBIT
%%
I'm tiny, I'm toony, and I'm a little looney!
%%
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's
 deep enough. What do you want--an adorable pancreas?
 -- Jean Kerr
%%
I'm tired of being a sex symbol!
%%
I'm tired of thinking up new taglines
%%
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout...but, GO HABS GO!
%%
I'm too busy to get organized.
%%
I'm too busy to waste time leaving a tagline.
%%
I'm too old and incontinent-oops-incompetent.
%%
I'm too old for baby toys. What's in it for me?
%%
I'm too old for Santa Claus, and I don't believe in Batman.
 -- From JON SABLE, FREELANCE
%%
I'm too old to die young, and too young to die now.
 -- Warren Zevon
%%
I'm too sexy for meiosis.
%%
I'm too sexy for my head!
 -- Worf
%%
I'm too sexy for myself.
%%
I'm too sexy for this BBS, too sexy for this @#$% NO CARRIER
%%
I'm too sexy for this class.
%%
I'm too sexy for this conference!
%%
I'm too sexy for this echo, too sexy for this echo.....
%%
I'm too sexy for this party.
%%
I'm too sexy to read the docs....
%%
I'm too sexy! You know what I mean!
%%
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people
 I don't know.
 -- Garry Shandling
%%
I'm too simple to have a complex ... So I have a simplex.
%%
I'm too skeptical to deny the possibility of anything...
%%
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
%%
I'm too tired to distinguish truth from reality.
 -- Ken Herrity
%%
I'm too white and too male.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm treating two sets of siamese twins with split personalities.
I'm being paid by eight people.
 -- Woody Allen, Zelig
%%
I'm trying to find myself.  Has anyone seen me lately?
%%
I'm trying to make a very careful random choice.
%%
I'm trying to think, but nothing happens.
 -- Curly
%%
I'm trying to think of a good one!!!!
%%
I'm try'n to protect what I keep inside..
%%
I'm turning you in to the SPCA!
%%
 I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
 out-of-the-body experience.  In fact I'm standing right behind
 you and I can hear everything you say.  But leave me a message
 anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
I'm unemployed.  Afraid to steal and too proud to run for Congress.
%%
I'm unsafe at any speed.
%%
I'm up to my ASCII in files
%%
I'm used to dogs. When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose
 in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key
 eight hours later. A cat would never put up with that kind of rejection.
 When you returned, she'd stalk you until you dozed off and then suck the
 air out of your body.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
I'm user friendly, I don't byte -- I nybble.
%%
I'm using a ram disk with my virtual memory, isn't technology wonderful!
%%
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
 INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
%%
I must be BLIND because I sure don't 'C'
%%
I must become a borrower of the night
For a dark hour or twain.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I must be out of my mind.
Starfleet would probably agree with you.
 -- Picard and Pulaski, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
"I must do something" will always solve more problems than,
"Something must be done."
%%
I Must Fix the Car!: Otto Doit
%%
I must follow him through thick and thin.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a, star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a gray mist on the sea's face and a gray dawn breaking.
 -- John Masefield, Sea Fever, first stanza.
%%
I must go seek some dew-drops here, And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
I must have a mind like a steel seive!
%%
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Innocents Abroad"
%%
I must have a rapier wit; everyone keeps parrying.
%%
I must have liberty
Withal, as large a charter as the wind,
To blow on whom I please.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 7
%%
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
%%
I must invent my own philosophical systems,
 or else be enslaved by other mens'
 -- William H. Blake (1757-1827)
%%
I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail
  dotage.
But Father, surely...
Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.
 -- Kate and her father : Bells
%%
I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit
it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will
turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there
will be nothing.  Only I will remain.
 -- Frank Herbert, _Dune_
%%
I must remind myself to think bad thoughts.
%%
I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls!
...Perhaps later.
 -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
I must say that I have a very good reason for bein' loaded tonight. I been
 drinkin' all day!
 -- Foster Brooks
%%
I must say, when the doorman where I live puts up the Christmas tree in the
 lobby, he has the same friendly smile for those who have remembered him at
 Christmas and those who have not. Except that when he trims the tree, if
 you have not, there you are on the tree, hanging in effigy.
 -- Selma Diamond
%%
I must say, you look *maahvelus*.
 -- Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL
%%
I must stand up in search of the truth, if I don't I only roll with
the flow of the lie and make it stronger.
 -- Sovereign
%%
I must stop here... my fingers are hoarse.
%%
I must warn you that anything you say will be ignored.
 -- Monty Python
%%
I'm usually awake near the end of the day.
%%
"I'm very brave, generally," he went on in a low voice: "only today I happen to
have a headache."
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%%
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, Pirates of Penzance
%%
I'm very insecure--I get depressed when I find out the people I hate don't
 like me. I'm kind of paranoid too. I often think the car in front of me is
 following me the long way around.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
I 'm very lonely now, Mary,
  For the poor make no new friends;
But oh they love the better still
  The few our Father sends!
 -- Lady Dufferin (1807-1867)
 -- Lament of the Irish Emigrant
%%
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't
 look at other moms.
 -- Garry Shandling
%%
I'm very sorry, Master, but that WAS the backup system.
 -- Slave
%%
   I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, / I
understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, / About
binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news-- / With many
cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
 -- Gilbert & Sullivan - The Pirates of Penzance
%%
IMV: IMpress Visitors
%%
I'm waitin' fo' 20Mb FLOPPIES.  Right On!
%%
I'm waiting for the 50 mhz 686.
%%
I'm waiting for Windows v4.0! [aka Windows95]
%%
I'm walking to work this morning and it's a lovely spring day, and I'm
 walking up Sixth Avenue and I see one of those mime performers. So the mime
 is doing that famous mime routine where he's pretending to be trapped in a
 box. So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box.
 And he finishes up, and thank God, he wasn't really trapped in a box. And I
 see on the sidewalk there he's got a little hat for money--dollars, change,
 tips, donations, contributions. So I went over and I pretended to put a
 dollar bill in his hat.
 -- David Letterman
%%
I'm warning you! One step closer and I'll drop carrier!
%%
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I 'm weary of conjectures,--this must end 'em.
Thus am I doubly armed: my death and life,
My bane and antidote, are both before me:
This in a moment brings me to an end;
But this informs me I shall never die.
The soul, secured in her existence, smiles
At the drawn dagger, and defies its point.
The stars shall fade away, the sun himself
Grow dim with age, and Nature sink in years;
But thou shalt flourish in immortal youth,
Unhurt amidst the war of elements,
The wrecks of matter, and the crush of worlds.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.
%%
I'm wet!  I'm wild!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm willing to accompany you, but not to ride in your pocket!
%%
I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives.
%%
I'm wobbling and I can't fall down!
 -- Weeble
%%
I'm working on my 2nd $million...  Gave up on the 1st.
%%
I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing.  It's not
 holding a charge.
 -- Edward Chilton
%%
I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
%%
 I'm writing the definitive work on pain.  I would like you to
 tell me how this machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.
 This is for posterity.
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
I'm X generation...
%%
I'm Yankee Doodle Dandee in a Gold Rolls Royce.
%%
I [] My Cat. I [] My Dog. (Would you [] my ex-wife ?)
%%
I [] My Dog. I [] My Cat.
%%
I [] my dog, I [] my cat, and I [] baby harp seals.
%%
I [] my dog, I [] my cat, and I don't [] baby seals. Have a [] day!
%%
I [] My Dog. I [] My Cat. I [] My Wife. I [] days.
%%
I'm younger than most people my age.
%%
I'm young..  I'm HEALTHY..  I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy!
 -- Freddy Krueger.
%%
I'm your No. 1 fan. You're lucky I found you.
%%
I my self have been particularly careful never to say a civil word to
the United States.  I have scoffed at their inhabitants as a nation of
villagers.  I have defined the 100% American as 99% an idiot.  And they
adore me.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is:
I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express
sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
 -- Rebecca West
%%
I [] My TomCat!.
%%
IMZADI: Beloved. IMZATI: What a Betazoid Mosquito says!
%%
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.
%%
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
%%
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
get parts
%%
In 1883 Cambridge University played a
correspondence chess match with the
Bedlam insane asylum.  Bedlam won.
%%
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
%%
In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred syrup.
%%
In 1928, Charles King was re-elected President of Liberia with a
 majority of 600,000. His opponent claimed that the vote had been
 rigged as there were only 15,000 people eligible to vote!
%%
In 1950 the cheapest computers cost the same as the most expensive Rolls Royce.
If both had developed at the same rate the Rolls would:
  * cost $5.00
  * get 2,000 miles per gallon
  * go from 0 to 60 in .02 seconds
  * have a top speed of 900 miles per hour
%%
In 1962 the expression "safe sex," all that meant then was you just move
 the bed from against the wall so you won't bang your head.
 -- David Letterman
%%
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
 ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
In 1976 my parents moved to Florida...in 1980 I found them again.
%%
In 1987 approximately 100,000
 people had a total of about 25 tons of fat liposuctioned from their bodies.
 This is enough body to make 325 more people. However, they would really be
 in bad shape physically.
 -- Things You Simply Must Know Department
%%
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
 dressed as a man.
%%
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
 If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
 wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
%%
 (In a bored voice:)  Heaven, God speaking... the answers NO!
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During
 that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
%%
In a bureaucracy accomplishment is inversely proportional to volume
of paper used.
 -- Foster L. Fowler
%%
In a bureaucracy every routing slip will expand until it contains
the maximum number of names that can be typed in a vertical column,
namely, twenty-seven.
 -- Daniel Melcher
%%
In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the organisation
the less people appreciate Murphy's Law.
 -- Rogers' Observation
%%
In a bureaucratic system an increase in expenditure will be matched
by a fall in production. Such systems will act rather like "black
holes" in the economic universe, simultaneously sucking in resources
and shrinking in terms of "emitted" production.
 -- Dr. Max Gammon
%%
In a bureaucratic system, useless work drives out useful work.
 -- Milton Friedman
%%
In a calm sea every man is a pilot.
 -- John Ray
%%
In a cat's eyes all things belong to cats.
%%
    In accepting an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame a few
years ago, General David Sarnoff [head of RCA] made this statement: We are
too prone to make technological instruments the scapegoats for the sins of
those who wield them.   The products of modern science are not in themselves
good or bad; it is the way they are used that determines their value.   That
is the voice of the current somnambulism.  Suppose we were to say, Apple pie
is in itself neither good nor bad; it is the way it is used that determines
its value. ...    There is nothing in the Sarnoff statement that will bear
scrutiny, for it ignores the nature of the medium, of any and all media, in
the true Narcissus style of one hypnotized by the amputation and extension of
his own being in a new technical form. ... It has never occurred to General
Sarnoff that any technology could do anything but _add_ itself on to what we
already are.
 -- Marshall McLuhan, _Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man_ (1964)
%%
In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
 healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
 the death for it.
 -- Monty Python
%%
Inaccuracy can save a lot of explanation.
%%
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all
 directions.
%%
In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples
 of anything.
 -- Jeffery F. Chamberlain
%%
In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of.
In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.
 -- Confucius, Analects, VIII, c. 500 B.C
%%
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means
death by slow starvation.  The old principle:  who does not work does
not eat, has been replaced by a new one:  who does not obey shall not
eat.
 -- Leon Trotsky
 -- in "Why Does Socialism Continue to Appeal to Anyone?", Robert Hessen
%%
In a crisis again.
%%
In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow
 you to get some entertainment out of it.
 -- Daniel Waters, screenwriter of HEATHERS
%%
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
 tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.
%%
In a dark time, the eye begins to see.
Theodore Roethke, "In a Dark Time"
%%
In addition I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success
 because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its
 efforts.   Namely, the physical universe.
 -- Ken Jenkins
%%
In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
 -- Wendy Liebman
%%
In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes,
the US Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be
unlawfully discriminatory.

   Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is
generally accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual
or collection of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into
practice an action which, measured against the judgement of a reasonable
person, is unwise or lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned
individual or collection of individuals shall suffer all consequences
resulting from that action, up to and including loss of life."

   Translation:  "You do something stupid, you die."
%%
In a Democracy, decisions are made by a majority. Not by a majority of the
 people, but by a majority of that minority enfranchised to vote. Not just
 those who can vote. The minority is made up entirely of those who do vote,
 and that is quite a minority indeed that makes the decisions for a
 Democracy.
%%
In a democracy dissent is an act of faith.  Like medicine, the test
of its value is not in its taste, but in its effects.
 -- J. W. Fulbright
%%
In a Democracy only those laws which have their bases in folkways
or the approval of strong groups have a chance of being enforced.
 -- Abraham Myerson
%%
In a democracy you can be respected though poor, but don't count on it.
 -- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
In a democratic society where the economic motive is strong, it is
 extremely difficult to give up short-term economic benefits for a
    long-term reason.
 -- Anthony Lewis
%%
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
 -- WindowError: 00B
%%
In admiring the sunset, we do not yet deduct the rounding
 pictorial powers of the eye.
 -- R.W. Emerson
%%
Inadmissible:  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds of
testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with,
and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves
alone.   Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was
unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous
actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are
daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the world
that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay
evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the
testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and
who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of
evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the
Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law...

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to
mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable.      The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.
If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike
destitute of value.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were filled with joy!
%%
In a drear-nighted December,
  Too happy, happy tree,
Thy branches ne'er remember
  Their green felicity.
 -- John Keats (1795-1821)
 -- Stanzas
%%
In adversity a man is saved by hope.
 -- Menander
%%
In adversity remember to keep an even mind.
 -- Horace (8 BC)
%%
In a false quarrel there is no true valour.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once!
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would
 have taken many men many months to equal it.
%%
In a few years, I think we'll be marketing Marvel
Comics like computer software.
 -- Archie Goodwin
%%
In a fight between you and the world, I'll back you.
%%
In a fight you don't stop to choose your cudgels.
%%
In a fit of confusion, Spock uses Scotty as toilet tissue.
%%
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only we
 can't control when the five year period will begin.
%%
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
%%
In a full belly all the devils dance.
 -- Established Monkish Proverb
%%
In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart
there is room for nothing.
 -- Antonio Porchia, Voces
%%
In a future life, may you come back as yourself.
%%
 (In a good Australian accent:)  G'day mate.  Can't come to the
 phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.  Just
 leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
 -- Answering machine madness - can't answer right now because...
%%
In a good old age.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis xv, 15
%%
In a health club, if only one locker is occupied, it will be the one just
 above yours.
%%
(In a heavy texas accent) She's been beat severely by the ugly stick.
%%
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater
the confusion.
%%
In a hurry? Try a ride on a fast moving quasit!
%%
In a just cause the weak o'ercome the strong.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Oedipus Coloneus, 880
%%
In a key position in every genealogy you will find a John
Smith from London.
 -- McLaughlin's Law
%%
In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short
 story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex,
 Religion and Mystery.  One student allegedly handed in the following story:
 My god! cried the duchess.  I'm pregnant.  Who did it?
%%
In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then
 to hang a question mark on the things you have
 long taken for granted.
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
In all criminal cases whatsoever, the jury shall have the right to
determine the law and the facts.
 -- Indiana Constitution.
%%
     In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to
       a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and
      district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which
      district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be
      informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be
      confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory
      process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the
      Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
 -- The Constitution of the United States of America
%%
In all levels of life, the sheep are safe only when the wolves are
not hungry.
 -- F. J. Lovret
%%
In all life one should comfort the afflicted, but verily, also, one
should afflict the comfortable, and especially when they are comfortably,
contentedly, even happily wrong.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, Guardian (London, 28 July 1989)
%%
In all likelihood, world inflation is over.
%%
In all literary history there is no such figure as Dante, no such
homogeneousness of life and works, such loyalty to ideas, such sublime
irrecognition of the unessential.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Second Series, Dante
%%
In all of the theories about why so many people have attacks of wackiness
 when they reach middle age--resign from the bank to go live in a van with a
 teenage mushroom gatherer, and that sort of thing--one factor has been
 neglected: When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get
 put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are
 being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.

 If he's one of the people put in charge of things himself, it may scare him
 all the more.
 -- Calvin Trillin
%%
In all systems of theology the devil figures as a male person. Yet,
it is women who keep the church going.
%%
In all the many-colored worlds of the universe no single ethical code shows a
universal force. I am convinced that virtue is but a reflection of good intent.
 -- Magnus Ridolf
%%
In all the woes that curse our race
There is a lady in the case.
 -- William Schwenck Gilbert (1836-1911)
%%
In all things that involve social pressures, if we want to see change
we have to force the envelope outwards.
 -- Gary Lee Phillips
%%
In all things there are three choices: Yes, No & no choice, except
in this -- I either choose the truth or I am deceit.
 -- Sovereign
%%
In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow,
Thou 'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow,
Hast so much wit and mirth and spleen about thee,
There is no living with thee, nor without thee.
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Spectator, No. 68
%%
In a mad world, only the mad are sane.
 -- Akiro Kurosawa
%%
In a mature society, "civil servant" is semantically equal to "civil master."
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an In-Depth
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
 -- Frank Mankiewicz
%%
I name no parties.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- Wit at Several Weapons, Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
In America, anyone can become president.  That's one of the risks you take.
 -- Adlai E. Stevenson (1900-1965)
%%
In America everybody is of the opinion that he has no social superiors,
since all men are equal, but he does not admit that he has no social
inferiors, for, from the time of Jefferson onward, the doctrine that
all men are equal applies only upwards, not downwards.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much
you save.
 -- Paul's Law
%%
In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.
 -- Marlene Dietrich
%%
In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.
 -- Benchley's travel distinction
%%
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All
those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
as a human sperm, please raise your hands.  Thank you.
 -- Dave Barry, Why Humor is Funny
%%
In America, you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
In America you can have all the justice money can buy.
%%
In Amerika, a man and his paycheck are quickly parted.
%%
In a moment, my little piranhafish...
%%
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward-mobile-and the rest
of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: not necessarily
to win, but mainly to keep from losing completely. We owe that to
ourselves and our crippled self-image as something better than a nation
of panicked sheep.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson (b. 1939), journalist
 -- The Great Shark Hunt, Jacket Copy for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1979)
%%
In an attempt to make the country a happier place, the government
have announced a scheme known as the "scowl penalty". Anyone seen
scowling will be penalised $20 on the spot. Further charges will
be introduced in an effort to prevent people frowning, yawning
with intent, and arguing in public.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA.
%%
In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to
 sacrifice the sluts!
 -- Bill Maher
%%
In an empty head, you can hear forever....
%%
Inane tagline found. Abort, Retry, Swipe a better one.
%%
In an evolving man-machine system, the man will get dumber faster
than the machine gets smarter.
 -- by Scott Guthery, SEN Jan 87, p. 20
%%
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major
categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those
that get lost.
 -- Russell Baker
%%
In an insane society, the sane man must appear insane.
 -- Spock
%%
In an optimal world, I would not be necessary.
 -- James Price Salsman
%%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency
 -- The Peter Principle
%%
In another paper delivered today, Paul W. Kinsie of the American Social
Health Association warned that, if the moon was to be kept free from
venereal disease, prostitution must be banned there.
 -- The Realist, November, 1962
%%
In another time and place this could be funny.
 -- Troi, "Contagion", stardate 42609.1
%%
In an otherwise empty locker room, any two individuals will
have adjoining lockers.
 -- Dorr's Law of Athletics
%%
In a novel the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In
 a movie that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as
 much fun as he wants cheating and stealing, getting rich, and whipping the
 servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. When he falls with a bullet
 in the forehead it is advisable that he clutch at the Gobelin tapestry on
 the wall and bring it down over his head like a symbolic shroud. Also,
 covered by such a tapestry, the actor does not have to hold his breath
 while being photographed as a dead man.
 -- Herman Mankiewicz
%%
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal
  that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to
  time.
 -- Edward P. Tryon
%%
In Anthony Burgess' The End of the World News, one of the characters
recites the following:
I loved you. And love for you has not yet burned out of my soul. But
don't let my love cause you distress any more. I don't wish to bring you
grief. I loved you silently, hopelessly, sometimes in joy, sometimes in
jealousy. I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly. Ah, may God grant that
you be so loved by another.
%%
In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equally.
%%
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed
 country, don't breathe the air.
 -- Changing Times Magazine
%%
In an underdeveloped country, when you are absent, your job is taken
away from you; in a developed country a new one is piled on you.
 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
 -- The RPCISPE's First Universal Law
%%
In any case = In any box ???
%%
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

 -- Finagle's Third Law
(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
 -- Corollaries
%%
In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret,
 miconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or
 fail to print any output on at least the first run through.
%%
In any crowd of spectators at least
one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc.  ("You
could maim and kill with that thing.")
 -- The Eighth Commandment of Frisbee
 -- Dan Roddick
%%
In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available
is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
 -- Michael T. Minerath
%%
In any department there will always be one person who understands computers.
This person usually gets transferred to another department.
%%
In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn
out to protect fuses.
 -- Byrne's Law
%%
In any field of scientific endeavor, anything
that can go wrong will go wrong.
 -- Murphy's Third Law
%%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
 are to be treated as variables.
 -- The RPCISPE's Third Universal Law
%%
In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and
individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
 -- Kathleen Norris
%%
In any given group, the most will do the least and the least the most.
 -- Merle P. Martin
%%
In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more
than one person is involved.
 -- Merle P. Martin
%%
In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of
action is determined by subsequent events.
 -- McDonald's Corollary to Murphy's Law
%%
In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding approved
the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the administration
requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XX
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
In any government construction project, no matter the state of progress on
 it, the cost of completion of the job remains the same, and any delay
 automatically accelerates the costs.
%%
In any group of five people, one will be confused, one will be conniving,
 one will be honest, and two will be trying like hell to figure out where
 they fit in this group.
%%
In any group of pieces with the same erection mark on it, one should
not have that mark on it.
%%
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
 -- Bruce O. Boston
%%
In any human endeavor, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level.
 -- Vail's Axiom
%%
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right
thing.  The worst thing you can do is nothing.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
In any national struggle, the deciding factor is not who is the most
competent, but who is less incompetent.
%%
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on. This person must be fired.
 -- Conway's Law
%%
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the
opposite end to the end at which you begin checking for
errors.
 -- Grelb's Law of Erroring
%%
In any slide presentation, at least one slide will be upside down
or backwards, or both.
 -- John Corcoran
%%
In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked
and expect the plant to cross you up.
%%
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
 -- Stuart Keate
%%
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
%%
In a philosophical dispute, he gains most who is defeated, since he
 learns most.
 -- Epicurus
%%
In a Pickwickian sense.
 -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
 -- Pickwick Papers, Chap. i
%%
In a picture, the music should be heard and not seen.
 -- Max Steiner
%%
In a rally, staged by the Phillipine Benevolent Christian Missionaries
 Association of Mercy, 26 people died of food poisoning due to the
 unsanitary conditions of the place. Another ten were hacked to death
 because they did not believe in the healing powers of their leader! Later,
 the leader was also hospitalized for food poisoning.
%%
IN'ARDS, n.  The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.  Many eminent
investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute
observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the
mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our
important part.  To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds
that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms
the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points
confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls.
Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by
believing both.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In a republic this rule ought to be observed: that the majority should
not have the predominant power.
 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.) Roman Orator, poet, statesman
 -- De Re Publica (54-51 B.C.)
%%
In a research and development orbit, only two of the existing three parameters
can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources.
%%
In a restaurant with seats which are close to each other, one will
always find the decibel level of the nearest conversation to be inversely
proportional to the quality of the thought going into it.
 -- Stuart A. Cohn
%%
In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP,
psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with
the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily
use only 10 percent of our brains...
This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of
"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes.  As
a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could
deny it?  As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous,
it leaves much to be desired.
 -- Barry L. Beyerstein,
 -- "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi Phenomena",
 -- The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171
%%
In arguing, too, the parson owned his skill, for even tho' vanquish'd
he could argue still.
 -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
In art, there are tears that do lie too deep for thought.
 -- Louis Kronenberger
%%
In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies.  In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too.
 But they die happy.
 -- Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology
%%
In a single day, Samson slew a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.
Every day, thousands of sales are killed with the same weapon.
%%
Inasmuch as the mathematical theorems are related to
reality, they are not sure; inasmuch as they are sure, they
are not related to reality.
 -- Einstein's Observation
%%
In as much as you will never be able to do what you wish, it is better to
 be able to wish what you do.
%%
In a state-run society the government promises you security. But it's
a false promise predicated on the idea that the opposite of security
in risk. Nothing could be further from the truth. The opposite of
security is insecurity, and the only way to overcome insecurity is
to take risks. The gentle government that promises to hold your hand
as you cross the street refuses to let go on the other side.
 -- Theodore Forstmann
%%
In a suitable temperature, an egg becomes a chicken, and there are no
 chickens born of stones.
 -- Mao Zedong
%%
In a surplus labor economy, the squeaky wheel does not get greased,
it get's replaced.
 -- Martin's Maxim
%%
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT
were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
 Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
%%
In a technological world where anything is possible, paranoia will
 reign supreme.
 -- Stephen Crandall
%%
In a three-storey building served by one elevator, nine
times out of ten the elevator will be on a floor where you
are not.
 -- Dedera's Law
%%
In a vain man, the smallest spark may kindle into the greatest flame,
because the materials are always prepared for it.
 -- Hume
%%
In a VERY weak moment, I started a BBS.
%%
In a way, we're a kind of Peace Corps.
 -- Maj. A. Lincoln German, Training Director
 -- of the Green Beret Special Warfare School, Ft. Bragg, N.C.
%%
In a wild rage the nostril monster attacks! But you can't get out
of of the way!
%%
In a wild rage the nostril monster attacks! He just misses!
%%
In a word, neither death, nor exile, nor pain, nor anything of this
kind is the real cause of our doing or not doing any action, but our
inward opinions and principles.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap xi
%%
    In a world that was totally objective and fair, size should make no
difference in the worth of any individual or creature. But, then again, wizards
should not have to work for a living, either.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXIX
%%
In a world where children blow up children, everyone's a threat.
 -- Alexana Devos, "The High Ground", stardate 43510.7
%%
In baseball, you don't know nothing.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and
 where you would die, would you want to?"  I said "no".  She said, "ok, then
 forget it".
 -- Steven Wright
%%
In bed we laugh, in bed we cry;
And, born in bed, in bed we die.
The near approach a bed may show
Of human bliss to human woe.
 -- Isaac de Benserade (1612-1691)
%%
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
%%
In books lies the soul of the whole Past Time: the articulate audible
voice of the Past, when the body and material substance of it has
altogether vanished like a dream.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Heroes and Hero-Worship, The Hero as a Man of Letters
%%
In books, or work, or healthful play.
 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
 -- Divine Songs, Song xx
%%
In Borland you are never bored!
%%
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
%%
In boxing they have the "undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's
 undisputed what's all the fighting about? Undisputed means everybody
 agrees. Some guys are getting beat up pretty badly over something
 apparently we all agree on.
 -- George Carlin
%%
Inbreeding is more than a word to Ross Perot, it's a way of life.
%%
In briefings to busy people, summarize at the beginning what you're going to
tell them, then tell them, then summarize at the end what you have told them.
 -- Charles Wolf, Jr.
%%
In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility,
 and this assumption was correct, as it always is.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
In business, price increases as service declines.
 -- James L. Davis
%%
In busy companies of men.
 -- Andrew Marvell (1620-1678)
 -- The Garden
%%
In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction,
said he thought the general public should have a voice in defining what
an excellent teacher should know. 'I would not leave the definition of
math,' Dr. Honig said, 'up to the mathematicians.'
 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
%%
In California,if you are not seeing a psychiatrist, people think you are crazy.
%%
In came Mrs. Fezziwig, one vast substantial smile.
 -- Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
 -- Christmas Carol, Stave 2
%%
INCAM   INCrement Arbitrary Memory location
%%
In Canada, even the female impersonators are women.
%%
In Canada there is another word for Sushi.......BAIT!
%%
:incantation: n. Any particularly arbitrary or obscure command that
   one must mutter at a system to attain a desired result.  Not used
   of passwords or other explicit security features.  Especially used
   of tricks that are so poorly documented that they must be learned
   from a {wizard}.  "This compiler normally locates initialized
   data in the data segment, but if you {mutter} the right
   incantation they will be forced into text space."
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
In case of an emergency, administer Chocolate
%%
In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a
 one-iron. Not even God can hit a one-iron.
 -- Lee Trevino
%%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
 will be temporarily canceled.
%%
In case of Big Mac attack...
%%
In Case of Death:  Do not use elevators.  Stay calm.
%%
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
 -- Finagle's Fourth Rule
%%
In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.
%%
In case of emergency read manual.
%%
In case of fire do not use elevators... Use water.
%%
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
 -- In a Vienna hotel
%%
In Case of Fire, Log off Promptly.
%%
In Case Of Fire, Rescue Taglines.
%%
In case of fire, save the
a. women and children.
b. expensive equipment.
c. jewelry and wallets of those who've succumbed to smoke inhalation.
 -- Safety Test
%%
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
%%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
He'll kiss it and make it better.
%%
In case of nuclear attack: 1) Stand with feet shoulder width apart.
2) Bend over to a 90 degree angle. 3) Face backwards. 4) Kiss your
ass goodbye.
%%
 In case of nuclear war, hide in the urinal.
 Nobody ever hits 'em anyway.
 -- Toilet graffiti
%%
In case of rapture, please grab the wheel.
%%
In case of Rapture this tagline will self-destru.....
%%
In case you didn't know, I now look at eight(8) characters instead
of of each word, instead of five(5), as I used to.
%%
Incens'd with indignation Satan stood
Unterrify'd, and like a comet burn'd
That fires the length of Ophiuchus huge
In th' arctic sky, and from his horrid hair
Shakes pestilence and war.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 707
%%
In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate
 circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
Incest - a game for the entire family!
%%
Incest is a voluntary act on the woman's part.
 -- Charles Rice, Professor of Law, Notre Dame University, in a pamphlet
     published by the American Life League
%%
Incest: Keep it in the family.
%%
Incest, n.: Sibling revelry.
%%
Incest: The theory of relativity...
%%
In charity there is no excess.
%%
In charity to all mankind, bearing no malice or ill-will to any human
being, and even compassionating those who hold in bondage their fellow-men,
not knowing what they do.
 -- John Quincy Adams (1767-1848)
 -- Letter to A. Bronson, July 30, 1838
%%
In Chicago it takes three to change a street light: one to change the lamp, one
to sleep on the job, and one to take the payoff.
%%
In Christianity neither morality nor religion come
 into contact with reality at any point.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
:inc: /ink/ v. Verbal (and only rarely written) shorthand for
   increment, i.e. `increase by one'.  Especially used by
   assembly programmers, as many assembly languages have an `inc'
   mnemonic.  Antonym: {dec}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
In civilized life, where the happiness, and indeed almost the existence, of
man depends so much upon the opinion of his fellow men, he is constantly
acting a studied part.
 -- Washington Irving
%%
#include "mandatory.cute.tagline"
%%
Include me out.
 -- Sam Goldwyn
%%
#include <std.disclaimer>
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
#include <std/disclaimer.h>
# (e.g. the views expressed by me...etc)
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
#include <std/discluesure.h>  /* This comment left intentionally blank */
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
#include <stdisclaimer.h>
#include "witty_phrase.h"
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
#include <std/sig.h>
%%
:include: vt. [USENET] 1. To duplicate a portion (or whole) of
   another's message (typically with attribution to the source) in a
   reply or followup, for clarifying the context of one's response.
   See the discussion of inclusion styles under "Hacker
   Writing Style".  2. [from {C}] `#include <disclaimer.h>'
   has appeared in {sig block}s to refer to a notional `standard
   {disclaimer} file'.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:include war: n. Excessive multi-leveled including within a
   discussion {thread}, a practice that tends to annoy readers.  In
   a forum with high-traffic newsgroups, such as USENET, this can lead
   to {flame}s and the urge to start a {kill file}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
to get her attention.
%%
INCOME, n.  The natural and rational gauge and measure of
respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,
arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the
play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in
whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-
stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own
subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and
all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but
to get money.  Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be
rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and
their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the
lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who
bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king,
being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily
accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and
rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
 -- Herman Wouk
%%
Incoming fire has the right of way.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #02
%%
In Communism's central planning, citizens are told "You will make widgets".
 In Capitalism's advertising, citizens are told "You will buy widgets".
%%
In comparing various authors with one another, I have discovered that
some of the gravest and latest writers have transcribed, word for
word, from former works, without making acknowledgment.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book i, Dedication, Sect. 22
%%
INCOMPATIBILITY, n.  In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly
the taste for domination.  Incompatibility may, however, consist of a
meek-eyed matron living just around the corner.  It has even been
known to wear a moustache.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
INCOMPETENCE
  A politer word for stupidity. If you are accused of incompetence,
  just remember, it is far better to be incompetent than incontinent
  (see below).
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Incompetence is better than no competence at all.
%%
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
 -- Laurance J. Peter
%%
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
 -- Peter's Theorem
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Incompetence tends to increase with the level of work performed.
And, naturally, the individual's staff needs will increase as his
level of incompetence increases.
 -- Arthur J. Riggs
%%
Incompetents often hire able assistants.
 -- Douglas Evelyn
%%
INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.  Unable to exist if something else exists.  Two
things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for
one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and
God's mercy to man.  Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only
incompatibility let loose.  Instead of such low language as "Go heel
yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are
incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in
stately courtesy are altogether superior.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
 -- Brian K. Reed
%%
In-con-CEIvable!
%%
Inconceivable!
 -- Vizzini
%%
Inconceivable!
    You use that word a lot.   I don't think it means what you think it does.
 -- The Princess Bride
%%
Incongruous - Where most of our laws are concocted.
%%
Incongruous -- Where U.S. laws are made.
%%
Inconsistencies of opinion, arising from changes of circumstances,
are often justifiable.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Speech, July 25 and 27, 1846, Vol. v, p. 187
%%
Inconsolable to the minuet in Ariadne.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Critic, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Inconstitencies of opinion which may arise from time to time due to
 contingencies which may not be anticipated are often justifiable except
 when you do them, since for you, consistency requires that you be as dumb
 today as you were yesterday and the day before that. When I change my mind
 is is generally a sign of broadminded openness to considerations of moment.
 When you change your mind from what you said four years ago, it is yet
 another example of the bewildering plethora of lies of which you are always
 guilty. Let us always be fair about these things. (10) It is really hard to
 keep people from doing something if they stay away from it and don't want
 to do it. You just have to exercise patience and forbid it a little more
 strongly a little longer.
%%
INCONTINENCE
  Now let's make it clear. Incontinence is not something to be
  laughed at. It is a very serious and discomforting condition. It
  can't be easy walking around with large amounts of urine wanting to
  leap into the outside world at every step. Incontinence can be
  fatal, too - yes, people have drowned.
      The most serious outbreak of incontinence occurred at the
  Fourth Annual International Incontinence Conference, which the
  organisers had unfortunately booked into an underground concrete
  lined conference centre with below average drainage facilities.
  After the stairs collapsed, all the delegates remaining in the
  building went to a pissy grave.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%%
In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contracts
 can't deal with, the area of conflict, the area of change and area of reaching
 potential.   To me a covenant is a relationship that is based on such things
 as shared ideals and shared value systems and shared ideas and shared
 agreement as to the processes we are going to use for working together.  In
 many cases they develop into real love relationships.
 -- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., Herman Miller's
     Secrets of Corporate Creativity, The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
Incorrigible Proofreader
%%
Incorrigible Romantic
%%
Increased means and increased leisure are the two civilizers of man.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, April 3, 1872
%%
Increased profits mean more work for everyone.
%%
In creating, the only hard thing is to begin: a grass blade's no easier
to make than an oak.
 -- James Russell Lowell
%%
Incremental implementation
 delivering several partial products each for the
 price of a complete one
 -- Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
%%
In critical moments men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.
 -- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
%%
INCUBUS, n.  One of a race of highly improper demons who, though
probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best
nights.  For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including
_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus
(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be
out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public
schools.
    Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself --
tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless --
sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm
of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows,
generally speaking.  A certain lady applied to the parish priest to
learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from
their husbands.  The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns;
but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the
test.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
INCUMBENT, n.  A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in
hexadecimal.
%%
In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.  UNLESS YOU TYPE LIKE THIS!!!
%%
In DBLSPACE no one can hear you scream.
%%
In dealing with a body of people, the people will be more tacky than expected.
 -- Lee's Law
%%
In dealing with people, an ounce of sincere, good intentions is worth
a pound of cleverness.
%%
In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the
most extreme conservatives.
In dealing with other people's problems, they are the
world's most extreme liberals.
 -- Clark Kerr
%%
In dealing with the press do yourself a favor. Stick with one of
three responses: (a) I know and I can tell you. (b) I know and I
can't tell you. (c) I don't know.
 -- Dan Rather
%%
In death a hero, as in life a friend!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xvii, Line 758
%%
Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity - these are strictly confined to man;
he invented them. Among higher animals there is no trace of them.
they hide nothing. They are not ashamed.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
 -- Letters from the Earth (1905-1909)
%%
INDECENT PROPOSAL = Clinton's budget.
%%
INDECENT PROPOSAL = Clinton's health-care plan.
%%
Indecision Clouds My Vision.
%%
Indecision is like a stepchild:  if he does not wash his hands, he
is called dirty, if he does, he is wasting water.
 -- African Proverb
%%
Indecision may or may not be my problem . . .
%%
INDECISION, n.  The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir
Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to
do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it
followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many
chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear
and satisfactory exposition on the matter.
    "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain
occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five
minutes to make up your mind in."
    "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great
thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency.  When in doubt
whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a
copper."
    "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?"
    "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me:  I
disobeyed the coin."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
 -- Notes on Virginia, Query xviii, Manners
%%
Indeed, to quarantine a person with AIDS or the AIDS virus does entail a
 loss, in the short run, of human freedom.   Agreed.  But the idea of human
 freedom isn't now, and never has been, absolute.  Besides, in the long run,
 as I have noted, all people with AIDS die.
 -- John Lofton, Anti-Choice Columnist, The Washington Times, 3/31/89, as
    quoted in The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood
     pamphlet
%%
Indeed, what is there that does not appear marvellous when it comes
to our knowledge for the first time?
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book vii, Sect. 6
%%
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
 -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
%%
In democracy its your vote that counts.  In feudalism its your count
 that votes.
 -- Mogens Jallberg
%%
Indent your programs consistently.
%%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
%%
Independence: hanging out opposite the shallow part of the pool.
%%
Independence is essential for permanent but fatal to immediate success.
%%
"Independent self-reliant people (would be) a counterproductive anachronism
 in the collective society of the future [...] (where) people will be
 defined by their associations."
 -- John Dewey (1859-1953), educational philosopher,
 -- proponent of modern public schools. 1896
 -- "The Tyranny of Government Schooling", John Gatto, 1992
%%
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension
can be totalled correctly after 4:40 pm on Friday.
 -- Law of the Lost Inch
1. Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are
given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all.
2. The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 am on Monday.
 -- Corollaries
%%
In /dev/null no one can hear you scream.
%%
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
%%
Indiana Jones' Adventures: Darrin Rescue
%%
Indianapolis, Indiana  USA
 Third Stone From The Sun
%%
INDIAN Cuisine is a challenge, eat it often!
%%
Indian/Italian Cuisine: Ravi Oley
%%
Indian Love Call - are you awake dear.
%%
Indians?  I don't see any Indians!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Indications of what humans would call a wild party.
 -- Data, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is
not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
 -- Stephen Crane
%%
Indifference is an apathetic form of passive hate.
%%
Indifference is isolation.  In difference is texture and wonder.
 Edwin Schlossberg
%%
Indifference is the only sure defence.
 -- Jody Powell
%%
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%%
INDIFFERENT, adj.  Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.

    "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,
    "You've grown indifferent to all in life."
    "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile;
    "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."
                                                     Apuleius M. Gokul
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
In differing breasts what differing passions glow! Ours kindle quick,
but yours extinguish slow.
 -- Garth
%%
In difficult situations the boldest plans are safest.
 -- Livy
%%
INDIGESTION, n.  A disease which the patient and his friends
frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the
salvation of mankind.  As the simple Red Man of the western wild put
it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force:  "Plenty well, no
pray; big bellyache, heap God."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Indigo - the fear of purple heights.
%%
In dim eclipse, disastrous twilight sheds
On half the nations, and with fear of change
Perplexes monarchs.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book i, Line 597
%%
Indirect file nested too deep.
%%
In discourse more sweet;
For eloquence the soul, song charms the sense.
Others apart sat on a hill retir'd,
In thoughts more elevate, and reason'd high
Of providence, foreknowledge, will, and fate,
Fix'd fate, free-will, foreknowledge absolute;
And found no end, in wand'ring mazes lost.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 555
%%
INDISCRETION, n.  The guilt of woman.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Indiscriminate study bloats the mind.
%%
(in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour")
Goldwyn   :  Maybe we ought to buy it?
Associate :  Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians.
Goldwyn   :  That's okay, we'll make them Americans.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
Individualist does it with himself.
%%
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
%%
Individuality is fine as long as we all do it together.
 -- Frank Burns, M*A*S*H
%%
Individuality is of far more account than nationality.
%%
Individuals domiciling in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain
from catapulting petrogenetic projectiles.
 [ people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. ]
%%
Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing
something to be happy. Action is no less necessary than thought to
the instinctive tendencies of the human frame.
 -- Mahatma Gandhi
%%
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.
%%
In DoubleSpace no one can hear your data scream.
%%
Indubitably, sir, Indubitably.
 -- Data to Picard, "Lonely Among Us", stardate 41249.3
%%
Inductors dissipate after doing it.
%%
Indu'd
With sanctity of reason.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book vii, Line 507
%%
Indulgences are Papal, too.
%%
In durance vile
And all my frowsy couch in sorrow steep.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Epistle from Esopus to Maria
%%
Industrialization alienated millions of men from their source of love.
%%
Industrialization has broadened women's options and deepened men's mold.
%%
Industrialization made performing away from home the male role.
%%
In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
 -- Tao Te Ching
%%
Indy 500   Snakes 0
%%
I nearly saw Elvis one night, but my shovel broke.
%%
In ecology, as in economics, TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free
 Lunch) is intended to warn that every gain is won at some cost. Failure to
 recognize the no free lunch law causes the buffalo-hunter mentality
 syndrome -- the unthinking assumption that there will always be plenty because
 there always has been plenty.
 -- Dr. Robert W. Prehoda
%%
In economics, the majority is always wrong.
%%
INE Do Not Cross! - TAGLINE Do Not Cross! - TAGL
%%
I need a derivative!  I'm a calcaholic!
%%
I need a drink... where's the SPACE BAR?
%%
I need a good screw!  Preferrably drywall, Philips.
%%
I need a hug.
%%
I need all the help I can get!
%%
I need a longer extension for my umbilical cord.
%%
I need a Phillips Screwdriver. All of mine are Stanley.
%%
I need CPR...quick, call Dr Bashier!!
%%
I needed it yesterday.
%%
I need everything; do you have it??
%%
I NEED Kristie Alley's home phone number.
%%
I need more detailed instructions to do that.
%%
I need my sinuses like I need a hole in the head
%%
I need some duck tape. My duck has a quack in it.
%%
I need some duck tape. My puter has a QWaK in it.
%%
I need some new taglines. This one is getting old.
%%
I need someone really bad.  Are you really bad?
 -- Bumper Sticker
%%
I need to call 911.  Where's the eleven key?
%%
I need to change your status time this week...(famous quotes)
%%
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
 six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I need to drink enough beer to reach a state of deep cerebral paralysis.
%%
I need to drown my troubles but I can't get him to go swimming.
%%
I need to know, I need to know, I need to ...
%%
I need two hands to wave, not just one.
%%
I need Windows like a haemophiliac needs heart surgery!
%%
I ne'er could any lustre see
In eyes that would not look on me;
I ne'er saw nectar on a lip
But where my own did hope to sip.
 -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816)
 -- The Duenna, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
In Eerie, Indiana, when you scrape away the surface weirdness, what
 you find is ... more weirdness.
 -- Eerie Indiana
%%
I neither desire your obedience, nor your worship.
 -- Picard to Liko, "Who Watches the Watchers, stardate 43173.5
%%
In empty spaces I twist and talk, and come down with the roar of thunder
%%
In England rugby is a game for louts played by gentlemen.
In Wales it is a game for louts, played by louts.
%%
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
 programming languages.
%%
In English, "I beseech you, my brothers, _remain faithful to the earth_ and
believe not those who speak of supernatural hopes. Poisonmongers are they,
whether they know it or not.
 -- Nietzsche, "Also Sprach Zarathustra"
%%
Inertia is an overpowering force.
%%
Inertia makes the world go round.
%%
I neutered my cat. Now he's a consultant.
%%
I never argue with people who are wrong.
 -- Mary Kate McCabe
%%
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
  into my neighborhood after dark.
 -- Dick Gregory
%%
I never buy books on impulse.  Only on warp.
%%
I never could believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world ready
booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to
be ridden.
 -- Richard Rumbold, on the scaffold
%%
I never could remember punch lines!
%%
I never could see why people were so happy about Dickens'
`A Christmas Carol' because I never had any confidence that Scrooge was
going to be any different the next day.
 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, American psychiatrist (1893-1990),
 -- on the transience of the Christmas spirit.
%%
I never dared be radical when young for fear it would make me
conservative when old.
 -- Robert Frost (1875-1963)
%%
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
I never did anything worth doing by accident,
nor did any of my inventions come by accident;
 they come by work.
 -- Thomas Edison, American inventor
%%
I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
it was hell.
 -- Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
%%
I never drink unless I'm alone or with him.
%%
I never eat between meals and snacks.
%%
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
 was to go away.
%%
I never fall asleep driving.  I wake up driving!
%%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
 exception.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
I never forgot the incident and years later, when
 the Luftwaffe was bombing London, I shone a light
 on the critic's house.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are
for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay
in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be
where he will.
 -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854),V, Solitude
%%
I never get lost, just momentarily disoriented.
%%
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad
 can beat up your dad." I'd say yeah? When?
 -- Bill Hicks
%%
I never heard the old song of Percy and Douglas that I found not my
heart moved more than with a trumpet.
 -- Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)
 -- Defence of Poesy
%%
I never knew any man in my life who could not bear another's misfortunes
perfectly like a Christian.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Thoughts on Various Subjects
%%
I never knew I had so many friends.
%%
I never knew lasers could be printed.
%%
I never knew so young a body with so old a head.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I never knew the old gentlemen with the scythe and hour-glass bring
anything but grey hairs, thin cheeks, and loss of teeth.
 -- Dryden
%%
I never knew what true happiness was till I got married.
 And then it was too late.
%%
I never knew whether to pity or congratulate a man coming to his senses.
 -- William Makepeace Thakeray
%%
I never know how much of what I say is true.
 -- Bette Midler
%%
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred
 dollars and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier."
 So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
 -- Rita Rudner
%%
I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply
 because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to
 meet them.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
I never let the facts get in the way of my preconceived notions.
%%
I never lie when I have sand in my boots
 -- LaForge
%%
I never lie when I've got sand in my shoes, Commodore.
 -- Geordi to Bochra, "The Enemy", stardate 43349.2
%%
I never liked room temperature.
%%
I never liked you, and I always will.
%%
I never lose!  Often run away, but I never lose....
%%
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
 -- Mae West
%%
I never make exceptions.
An exception disproves the rule.
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
%%
I never make misstakes
%%
I never met a carbohydrate I didn't like.
%%
I never met a kid I liked.
 -- W.C. Fields
%%
I never met a Lasagna I didn't like!
%%
I never met a man I didn't like.
 -- Will Rogers, speech, June 1930
%%
I never met a metacharacter I didn't like.
%%
I never metaphysics I didn't like.
%%
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
%%
I never met a repo man who didn't do speed.
%%
I never met a Scout I didn't like.
%%
I never met a temptation I didn't like...
%%
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
 -- Gore Vidal
%%
I never miss Rush Limbaugh.  He's too big a target.
%%
I NEVER need to use a condom.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
I never play the opening rounds anyway, inconsequential. Besides, there
  are much better things to negotiate on this ship. Like dinner tonight?
What about your travelling companion?
My travelling companion is...travelling. I sent her home.
Why?
You know why.
 -- Devinoni Rai and Troi, "The Price", stardate 43385.6
%%
I never prescribes a drug that I never took.
 -- Chris Chandler, MD, deceased
%%
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I never read other people's mail.
%%
I never realised that FORTRAN was so exciting.
%%
I never really appreciated Barbara Bush till Hillary slithered in.
%%
I never really appreciated Rosalyne Carter till Hillary slithered in.
%%
I never receive bills to pay; there's a CRC error in my ZIP code!
%%
I never remember a face, but I always forget a name.
%%
I never reply to PEOPLE WHO TYPE LIKE THIS.
%%
I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for
me do not tempt me.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
I never respected a man who could spell.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
I never rise above the noise and confusion...
%%
I never said all Republicans were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
saloonkeepers were Republicans.
%%
I never saw a more dreadful battle in my born days.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap. viii
%%
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one!
 -- Gelett Burgess (1866-1951),
 -- The Burgess Nonsense Book (1914) "The Purple Cow"
%%
I never saw so many shocking bad hats in my life.
 -- Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington (1769-1852)
 -- Upon seeing the first Reformed Parliament
%%
I never spit in your drink, why do you smoke in my air?
%%
I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any
party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy, in politics or in
anything else, where I was capable of thinking for myself.  Such an
addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could
not go to Heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.
 -- Thomas Jefferson, Letter To Francis Hopkinson, Paris Mar. 13, 1789
%%
I never tempted her with word too large,
But, as a brother to his sister, show'd
Bashful sincerity and comely love.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
 -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
I never thought I'd miss the Carter Administration.
%%
I never thought of killing myself, never, but if I did I'd want to be
 unique. Headline: "Sick comic succumbs, swallows 650 dexamine spansules. He
 was killed by his neighbors for talking too much."
 -- Lenny Bruce
%%
I never thought that inorganic matter could attack a man. That's
why I'm in such a panic -I've just seen proof it can!
%%
I never thought that others would take them so much more seriously then I did.
 -- Albert Einstein, about his theories
%%
I never thought the mail was that slow until I got a postcard from
Cairo, and there were only two pyramids in the picture.
%%
I never thrust my nose into other men's porridge. It is no bread and
butter of mine; every man for himself, and God for us all.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. xi
%%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
I never understood why God decided to endow the military
man with His big brain when bone and marrow are all that
he needs to execute his purpose."
 -- A. Einstein - Ideas and Opinions
%%
I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
%%
I never wanna see another rock.
%%
I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices
I have read with pleasure.
 -- Clarence Darrow
%%
I never want to marry.  I just want to get divorced.
 -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death"
%%
I never was an Abolitionist, not even what could be called anti slavery,
but I try to judge farely & honestly and it become patent to my mind
early in the rebellion that the North & South could never live at
peace with each other except as one nation, and that without Slavery.
 -- Ulysses S. Grant, Letter to Elihu B. Washburne, August 30, 1863
%%
I never was on the dull, tame shore,
But I loved the great sea more and more.
 -- Bryan W. Procter (1787-1874)
 -- The Sea
%%
I never watched a hockey game that I didn't like.
%%
I *never* would have guessed you were that old!
%%
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same
price for city.  I never write policeman because I can get the same
money for cop.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
In every affair consider what precedes and what follows, and then undertake it.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- That Everything is to be undertaken with Circumspection,
 -- Discourses, Book iii, Chap. xv
%%
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
In every deed of mischief he had a heart to resolve, a head to contrive,
and a hand to execute.
 -- Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)
 -- Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1776), Chap. xlviii
%%
In every enterprise consider where you would come out.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 777
%%
I never yet heard man or woman much abused that I was not inclined
to think the better of them, and to transfer the suspicion or dislike
to the one who found pleasure in pointing out the defects of another.
 -- Jane Porter
%%
In every family tree there's sap.
%%
In every grain of wheat there lies hidden the soul of a star.
 -- Arthur Machen
%%
In every hedge and ditch both day and night
We fear our death, of every leafe affright.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Week, First Day, Part iii
%%
In every instance, we found that the best-run companies
stay as close to their customers as humanly possible.
 -- Thomas Peters
%%
In every language, the first word after "Mama!" that every kid learns to say
is "Mine!"  A system that doesn't allow ownership, that doesn't allow you to
say "Mine!" when you grow up, has -- to put it mildly -- a fatal design flaw.
From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read _The Little Red Book_
in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that waiting in
line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about three
generations. ...
Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven't
altered ths fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other,
and, if they don't get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution.
 -- Frank Zappa, _The Real Frank Zappa Book_
%%
In every man's castle, there's a lovely Princess.
%%
In every revolution, there's one man with a vision.
 -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
%%
In everything one must consider the end.
 -- J. de La Fontaine (1621-1695)
 -- The Fox and the Gnat, Book iii, Fable 5
%%
In every well-governed state wealth is a sacred thing; in
democracies it is the ONLY sacred thing.
 -- Anatole France
%%
In every work of genius we recognise our rejected thoughts.
 -- Emerson's Observation
%%
Inevitability is my first goal as a writer.
%%
In ev'ry age and clime we see
Two of a trade can never agree.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Fables, Part i, The Rat-catcher and Cats
%%
In ev'ry sorrowing soul I pour'd delight,
And poverty stood smiling in my sight.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xvii, Line 505
%%
I new a girl that almost stole my heart;  she was an Aztec priestess.
 -- Charade
%%
INEXPEDIENT, adj.  Not calculated to advance one's interests.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In expressing love we belong among the undeveloped countries.
 -- Attributed to Saul Bellow
%%
Infachilles: Having one's heel rammed from behind by a baby stroller.
%%
In fact, entire math departments have been known to go off the
deep end (on infinite real numbers)
%%
In fact, I DON'T put my pants on one leg on leg at a time.
%%
In fact, I don't think 7-11s even take coupons.I should check that out...
 -- Bill Gates, 1992
%%
In fact, one thing that I have noticed . . . is that all of these
conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever.
 I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is
endlessly stupid.
 -- Brian E. Moore
%%
Infactuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart
as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen,
and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.  Love is when you realize that he's
as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph
Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -
but you'll take him anyway.
 -- Judith Viorst
%%
In Fame's temple there is always a niche to be found for rich dunces,
importunate scoundrels or successful butchers of the human race.
 -- Zimmermam
%%
infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.
 -- The four stages of man are
 -- Art Linkletter
%%
Infancy, n.:
   The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, Heaven
lies about us.    The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.
 -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Infant care has to be learned from the bottom up.
%%
:infant mortality: n. It is common lore among hackers (and in the
   electronics industry at large; this term is possibly techspeak by
   now) that the chances of sudden hardware failure drop off
   exponentially with a machine's time since first use (that is, until
   the relatively distant time at which enough mechanical wear in I/O
   devices and thermal-cycling stress in components has accumulated
   for the machine to start going senile).  Up to half of all chip and
   wire failures happen within a new system's first few weeks; such
   failures are often referred to as `infant mortality' problems
   (or, occasionally, as `sudden infant death syndrome').  See
   {bathtub curve}, {burn-in period}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Infantrymen do it in the trench.
%%
In Farmer MacGregor's Garden: Peter Abbott
%%
infatuate:  to put on weight.
%%
INFECTIOUS DISEASE RESEARCHERS do it with breeding and culture.
%%
Infect your friends and neighbors with E.I.B.!
%%
INFERIAE,n.  [Latin]  Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for
propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the
pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual
needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor
might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising
materials.  It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of
Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an
audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically
recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,
giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down
to the reign of Saint Louis.  The narrative ended abruptly at the
point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled
the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades.  There is a fine
mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back
further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court
of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption
in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the
matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
%%
Inferior people gossip about other persons;
common people discuss events;
the wise man is interested in ideas.
%%
INFIDEL, n.  In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian
religion; in Constantinople, one who does.  (See GIAOUR.)  A kind of
scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,
divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,
voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,
missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,
muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders,
primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries,
clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors,
preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs,
bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans,
deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,
hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,
postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,
reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains,
mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas,
sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals,
prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and
pumpums.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at
all times been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice.
 -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899)
%%
In fields in which hypotheses cannot be tested,
there is not such thing as being wrong.
%%
In filling out a job application, he put as his school, Vietnam,
Clash of 1973.
%%
In films murders are always very clean.  I show how difficult it is and
  what a messy thing it is to kill a man.
 -- Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)
%%
In fine, nothing is said now that has not been said before.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Eunuchus, The Prologue, 41
%%
:infinite: adj. Consisting of a large number of objects; extreme.
   Used very loosely as in: "This program produces infinite
   garbage."  "He is an infinite loser."  The word most likely to
   follow `infinite', though, is {hair}.  (It has been pointed out
   that fractals are an excellent example of infinite hair.)  These
   uses are abuses of the word's mathematical meaning.  The term
   `semi-infinite', denoting an immoderately large amount of some
   resource, is also heard.  "This compiler is taking a semi-infinite
   amount of time to optimize my program."  See also {semi}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:infinite loop: n. One that never terminates (that is, the machine
   {spin}s or {buzz}es forever and goes {catatonic}).  There
   is a standard joke that has been made about each generation's
   exemplar of the ultra-fast machine: "The Cray-3 is so fast it can
   execute an infinite loop in under 2 seconds!"
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:Infinite-Monkey Theorem: n. "If you put an {infinite} number
   of monkeys at typewriters, eventually one will bash out the script
   for Hamlet."  (One may also hypothesize a small number of monkeys
   and a very long period of time.)  This theorem asserts nothing about
   the intelligence of the one {random} monkey that eventually
   comes up with the script (and note that the mob will also type out
   all the possible *incorrect* versions of Hamlet).  It may be
   referred to semi-seriously when justifying a {brute force}
   method; the implication is that, with enough resources thrown at
   it, any technical challenge becomes a {one-banana problem}.

   This theorem was first popularized by the astronomer Sir Arthur
   Eddington.  It became part of the idiom of through the classic short
   story "Inflexible Logic" by Russell Maloney, and many younger
   hackers know it through a reference in Douglas Adams's
   "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Infinite riches in a little room.
 -- Christopher Marlowe (1565-1593)
 -- The Jew of Malta, Act i
%%
Infinite space between her ears.
%%
Infinity is far out!
%%
 Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
 -- Gibb's Law
%%
Infinity is over-rated.
%%
Infinity is where you transfer from one parallel line to another.
%%
:infinity: n. 1. The largest value that can be represented in a
   particular type of variable (register, memory location, data type,
   whatever).  2. `minus infinity': The smallest such value, not
   necessarily or even usually the simple negation of plus infinity.
   In N-bit twos-complement arithmetic, infinity is
   2^(N-1) - 1 but minus infinity is - (2^(N-1)),
   not -(2^(N-1) - 1).  Note also that this is different from
   "time T equals minus infinity", which is closer to a
   mathematician's usage of infinity.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Infinity: Time on an ego trip.
 -- Jane Wagner
%%
Infirm of purpose!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Inflaming wine, pernicious to mankind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book vi, Line 330
%%
Inflammation, Please!: Arthur Itis
%%
Inflatable dolls--the ad says, "She never has a headache." But you do,
 blowing her up.
 -- Robert Schimmel
%%
Inflation: being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
%%
Inflation: fate worse than debt.
%%
Inflation is a result of legalized counterfeiting.
%%
INFLATION is when the BUCK does'nt stop ANYWHERE.
%%
Inflation is when the only thing free of charge is a rundown battery.
%%
Inflation: just a drop in the buck.
%%
Inflation rates testify to the worldwide popularity of wishful thinking.
%%
Inflation: when those who save for a rainy day get soaked.
%%
INFLUENCE, n.  In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a
substantial _quid_.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In for a penny, in for a pound, is that what you're saying Mister Data?
 -- Picard, "Pen Pals", stardate 42695.3
%%
In formal logic, a contradiction is the signal of defeat: but in
the evolution of real knowledge, it marks the first step in progress
toward victory.
 -- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken
 down.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Informationally deprived.
%%
Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people
whose job
it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
%%
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
 -- Rule of Defactualization
%%
Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that
bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upwards.
 -- Paul Gray
%%
information - how the Blue Angels fly
%%
Information, informs us and forms us.
 -- Margaret Wheatley, Organizational Development writer
%%
Information is held on magnetic tape by a series of punched holes.
%%
Information is heresay, knowledge is an event
%%
Information is the currency of democracy.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Information is the inverse of entropy.
%%
Information necessitiating a change of design will be
 conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the
 plans are complete.
 (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)
 -- First Law of Revision
%%
Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so
 disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
%%
Information Superhighway Names:  The Digital Backyard Barbecue.
%%
Information Technology permits small companies to look large
and large companies to feel small.
 -- Dr. Benn Konsynski, Emory University
%%
Information that is hard to access is worth less than none at all.
%%
INFORMATION THEORISTS analyze it with Wiener filters
%%
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
 -- Charles P. Boyle
%%
Information Vampire--giving a whole new meaning to the word BYTE.
%%
Information wants to be free.
%%
Informed rule or no rule at all.
%%
Infrasurvey: the test to see how far back the TV remote will work.
%%
In general, it is best to assume that the network is filled with malevolent
entities that will send in packets designed to have the worst possible effect
 -- the draft Requirements for Internet Hosts RFC
%%
In general, it's very hard to protect oneself against omnipotent beings.
 -- Barry Margolin ([e-mail]) 9 Sep 89, <[e-mail]>
%%
In general the apes have fine, straight, and profuse hair.  Among
humans, these characters are most closely approximated in the
Caucasians.  Among blacks the hair is coiled and on the body it is
sparse; among Mongolians it is coarse, straight, and sparse.  Apes
have thin lips, another character most closely approached among the
Caucasians.  In man the spine is curved inward in the small of the
back; in the ape it is not.  In man this character is most pronounced
and least apelike in African blacks.
 -- James C. King
%%
  In general, [UNIX] has been hacked on by a plethora of graduate students for
many years.  When done this way, things don't tend to be reliable or
well-implemented.  I'm sure the designers of UNIX would like to have a clean
slate and start over.
 -- Dave Cutler, NT lead architect
%%
Ingen har nytte av et lik
%%
In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois (LA Times 10/19/88)
%%
In Germany, they came first for the communists, and I didn't speak up
because I wasn't a communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I
didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade
unionists but I didn't speak up because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was
a Protestant.  Then they came for me, and by that time nobody was left
to speak up.
 -- Martin Niemoeller, German Lutheran Pastor, Dachau, 1944
%%
ING: INquire and iGnore
%%
In giving advice seek to help, not to please, your friend.
 -- Solon
%%
In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free,--honorable
alike in what we give and what we preserve.
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
 -- Second Annual Message to Congress, Dec. 1, 1862
%%
In Goddess I trust.  How about you?
%%
In God's wildness lies the hope of the world x the great fresh unblighted,
unredeemed wilderness. The galling harness of civilization drops off, and
wounds heal ere we are aware.
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
In God We Trust. All others must show two forms of ID.
%%
In God we trust. All others require a credit check.
%%
In God We Trust. All others use the Call-Back Verifier.
%%
In God we trust, all others we polygraph.
 -- CIA Motto
%%
In God we trust. All others we voice verify.
%%
 \-----------------------------------------------------------------/
  \        In God we trust, everybody else must pay in cash       /
   \-------------------------------------------------------------/
%%
In God we trust. You pay in gold.
%%
InGoodShape := Copy(Beer,1,12);
%%
In good software, the simple things should be easy,
and the complicated things should be possible.
%%
Ingrate, n.:
   A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
%%
INGRATE, n.  One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise
an object of charity.

    "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic.  "Nay,"
        The good philanthropist replied;
    "I did great service to a man one day
    Who never since has cursed me to repay,
                Nor vilified."

    "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight --
        With veneration I am overcome,
    And fain would have his blessing."  "Sad your fate --
    He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state
                This man is dumb."
                                                            Ariel Selp
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Ingratitude is the crack in the sewer that turns the sweet waters
of life into a running shit pot.
 -- Italo Bombolini
%%
Ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend!
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act i, Sc. 4
%%
In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
 -- Vince Lombardi
%%
 Ingredients: one bottle of whisky, ten pounds of raw meat.
 Throw the meat to huskies.
 Drink the whisky.
 -- The Real Man's Arctic Breakfast
%%
 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
 Throw all the other ingredients away.
 -- The Real Man's Bloody Mary
%%
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
%%
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
%%
In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly.
 -- Lazurus Long
%%
In hardware engineering, Ohm's law and Maxwell's equations pale in
importance and influence next to Murphy's Law
 -- Gordon Bell
%%
In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
 -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
%%
In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and
the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and
the bankers are Italian.
%%
In hell, it is always Monday.
 -- Dan D'Errico
%%
In her face excuse
Came prologue, and apology too prompt.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ix, Line 853
%%
In her first passion woman loves her lover:
  In all the others, all she loves is love.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto iii, Stanza 3
%%
INHERITANCE
  If you are expecting a large inheritance when your grandparents
  snuff it, have you considered investing it in the Custard Unit
  Trust? The Custard Unit Trust has the full endorsement of the
  author of Toxic Custard, and has a guaranteed return of 20%(*).
      Custard Unit Trust has many and varied investments, but
  specialises in putting money into many of the best alcoholic
  beverage corporations and gambling establishments of this country.
      For a copy of the prospectus entitled "Throw Your Money Our
  Way", lodged with the Consumer Affairs Department in August 1993,
  ring Freecall 1800-123456.
                               (*) This means that you are guaranteed
                                  to get 20% of your investment back.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
In her tongue is the law of kindness.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxxi, 26
%%
In high school my parents told me I ran with the wrong crowd. I was a
 loner.
 -- Jeff Shaw
%%
In his '90 Usenix presentation, Dennis Ritchie reminded the audience that
Steve Jobs stood at the same podium a few years back and announced that
X-windows was brain-dead and would soon die.  "He was half-right.
Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks."
 -- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of UNIX, from an article in UNIX Today
%%
In his book titled "Quick C", Al Stevens gives us a quick rundown
on the origin, purpose and usefulness of so many programming
languages.

COBOL was designed so that managers could read code.
BASIC was designed for people who are not programmers.
FORTRAN is for scientists.
ADA comes from a committee - a government committee no less.
PILOT is for teachers.
PASCAL is for students.
LOGO is for children
APL is for martians.
FORTH, LISP and PROLOG are specialty languages.
C, however, is for programmers.
%%
In his college days, Dan Quayle was not all that smart. Once, he stayed up
 all night, simply studying for a blood test.
%%
In his errors a man is true to type.  Observe the errors and you will
 know the man.
 -- Confucius
 -- Analects, IV.7
%%
In his house he had a large looking-glass, before which he would stand
and go through his exercises.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Demosthenes
%%
In his old lunes again.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
In his owen grese I made him frie.
 -- Geoffrey Chaucer (1328-1400)
 -- The Reves Tale, Line 6069
%%
In his private heart no man much respects himself.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
In hollow murmurs died away.
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- The Passions, Line 68
%%
In Hollywood a starlet is the name for any woman under thirty who is not
 actively employed in a brothel.
 -- Ben Hecht
%%
In hope to merit heaven by making earth a hell.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto i, Stanza 20
%%
In idle wishes fools supinely stay;
Be there a will, and wisdom finds a way.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- The Birth of Flattery
%%
INI: Ignore Next Instruction
%%
In Illinois, to cut hair requires a license for which the holder must
 qualify by months of expensive study. That same person can walk and and
 plunk down a few bucks, get a marriage license and get hitched in a matter
 of just a few minutes. This is a land of law and order, not necessarily of
 common sense.
%%
In India, cold weather is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
In indolent vacuity of thought.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- The Task, Book iv, The Winter Evening, Line 297
%%
In'I no expect to be justified by the laws of men.
 -- Bob Marley
%%
"In Iraq" by I. Rhoda Cammel
%%
Initailize: Carving your initials on a floppy disk.
%%
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror,
murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they
had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did that produce?
 The cuckoo clock.
 -- Orson Welles, The Third Man, 1949
%%
:initgame: /in-it'gaym/ [IRC] n. An {IRC} version of the
   venerable trivia game "20 questions", in which one user changes
   his {nick} to the initials of a famous person or other named
   entity, and the others on the channel ask yes or no questions, with
   the one to guess the person getting to be "it" next.  As a
   courtesy, the one picking the initials starts by providing a
   4-letter hint of the form sex, nationality, life-status,
   reality-status.  For example, MAAR means "Male, American, Alive,
   Real" (as opposed to "fictional").  Initgame can be surprisingly
   addictive.  See also {hing}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Initiative comes to those who wait.
%%
In it's former life, my computer was a Cray...
%%
Init string?!? No, looks like an old rope to me.....
%%
...in Jane Fonda's back yard before they are born
and get to pray in school and go to fight in El Salvador.
%%
 In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.  (Heeeeee-YAH!
 Sound of smashing box of kleenex.)  But this method doesn't work
 with a telephone call...  (Dial tone.)  Introducing the all-new
 Ginsu answering machine!  It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices
 your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?  Don't answer,
 because if you leave your name and number when you hear the
 tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
 -- Answering machine madness - playing with the caller
%%
INJECTION
  Medical procedure especially developed to scare the shit out of the
  patient, and give the doctor a feeling of power. "Just sit very
  still, Mr Jones, while I stick this bloody great needle in you.
  Now, is that new, or did I use it on that drug addict... No no,
  fairly sure it's a new one. Just sit still Mr Jones. You may feel
  unbearable pain as the spike rips through your skin. If you wish to
  scream so the patients in the waiting room can hear you, please do
  so."
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
 (In Joe Friday voice:)  This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
 Security and Intelligence Service.  The phone line you have just
 dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by
 the Attorney General of Canada.  To facilitate our
 investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name,
 number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
 now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.
 Thank you.
 -- Answering machine madness - authority figures
%%
In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.
 -- Charles Edwin Carruthers
%%
INJURY, n.  An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
 -- Martin Luther King
%%
 Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
INJUSTICE, n.  A burden which of all those that we load upon others
and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the
back.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Injustice, swift, erect, and unconfin'd,
Sweeps the wide earth, and tramples o'er mankind.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book ix, Line 628
%%
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
%%
In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no
sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise
up a thousand-fold in the future.
 -- Solzhenitsyn
%%
In Kentucky, the law plainly states that every citizen must take a bath at
 least one time each year, need it or not. People from Kentucky always were
 a little uppity.
%%
In Kenya they don't drive on the right or left side of the street
in particular, just on whichever side is smoother.
%%
I nkhat my ylkcu rtsas I'm nto urtitspsiuose.
%%
In King Cambyses' vein.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
INK, n.  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.  The properties of ink are peculiar and
contradictory:  it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to
blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and
acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an
edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal
quality of the material.  There are men called journalists who have
established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others
to get out of.  Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid
to get in pays twice as much to get out.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Inknition: the metal clicker at the top of ball point pens.
%%
Ink:  substance to apply before using liquid paper.  Liquid Paper:  see ink.
%%
In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations
 are continuing ...
 -- George Carlin
%%
In language, clarity is everything.
 -- Confucius
%%
In larger things we are convivial; What causes trouble is the trivial.
 -- Richard Armour
%%
In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the
same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.
 -- F. W. Nietzsche, Human All-too-Human, I,1878
%%
In later life, as in earlier, only a few persons influence the formation
of our character; the multitude pass us by like a distant army.  One
friend, one teacher, one beloved, one club, one dining table, one
work table are the means by which one's nation and the spirit of one's
nation affect the individual.
 -- Jean Paul Richter
%%
In law, what plea so tainted and corrupt
But being season'd with a gracious voice
Obscures the show of evil?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
In lazy apathy let stoics boast
Their virtue fix'd: 't is fix'd as in a frost;
Contracted all, retiring to the breast;
But strength of mind is exercise, not rest.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle ii, Line 101
%%
In Leningrad freezing point is called melting point.
%%
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like
   that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
 -- Writing Rule 11
%%
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
pocket.
%%
In life, it is not what you know or who you know that counts -- it is both!
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
In life's morning march, when my bosom was young.
 -- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844)
 -- The Soldier's Dream
%%
In life's small things be resolute and great
To keep thy muscle trained: know'st thou when Fate
Thy measure takes, or when she 'll say to thee,
"I find thee worthy; do this deed for me"?
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Epigram
%%
In life there is but one bad thing and one good; both of them are women.
%%
In life try to get what you like otherwise you shall
be forced to like what you get.
%%
In London there are two house that do not exist. They have been
 hoaxing people for over 120 years. Numbers 23 and 24 Leinster
 Gardens in London's Bayswater look like two 19th-century terraced
 houses from the front - but they are fakes. Built in 1868, they
 consist simply of a frontage and were designed to conceal the
 presence of an underground railway line which runs beneath the
 street.
%%
In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the
 highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be
 Alive Meals.'
 -- Al Clethen
%%
In love and war, don't seek counsel.
 -- French proverb
%%
In lover's quarrels, the party that loves most is always most willing
to acknowledge the greater fault.
 -- Scott
%%
In love there are two evils: war and peace.
%%
In love there is but little rest.
 -- Chaucer
%%
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
either flying or waiting to board a plane.
%%
    In magic, as in all true professions, there are rules by which you must
play. At least, you must play by them until such time as you can get away with
something else.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I (Preface)
%%
In making theories, always keep a window open so that you can throw one
out if necessary.
 -- Bela Schick
%%
In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.
 -- CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
 -- from Larry Klaes (Maynard, MA, USA)
%%
In many if not most elections, the consequences come to about the same
 result as two bald men fighting over a comb. Whichever one gets elected is
 going to commission the design of a new comb, and it is going to be
 expensive. Of course, most government expenditures are not as significant
 as the purchase of a new comb, but the point is made.
%%
In many ways this is Allan Lamb.
%%
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of
 the enemy.
%%
In marriage, being the right person is as important
as finding the right person.
 -- W.D. Gough
%%
In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it's curtains!
%%
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
 -- Butler
%%
In matters of belief, he who is absolutely sure he is right
is almost certainly dead wrong.
 -- Kelvin Throop
%%
In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place.
 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
%%
In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
 -- Rozanne Weissman
%%
In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice; because I will
 have no man's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.
 -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
In memoriam: Frank Vincent Zappa (Dec. 21, 1940 - Dec. 4, 1993)
%%
In memoriam: Gene Roddenberry (1921-1991)
%%
In memory of Richard Nixon...I promise to.....
%%
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%%
In men this blunder still you find,--
All think their little set mankind.
 -- Hannah More (1745-1833)
 -- Florio, Part i
%%
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day, the glowing of such fire.
 -- Tennyson
%%
In Mexico we have a word for sushi:   Bait.
 -- Jose Simon
%%
In mirth that after no repenting draws.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Sonnet xxi, To Cyriac Skinner
%%
In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most,
it is the honest man who doesn't know what he is doing.
 -- Owen D. Young
%%
   In modern Europe, as in ancient Greece, it would seem that even inanimate
objects have sometimes been punished for their misdeeds.  After the revocation
of the edict of Nantes, in 1685, the Protestant chapel at La Rochelle was
condemned to be demolished, but the bell, perhaps out of regard for its value,
was spared.  However, to expiate the crime of having rung heretics to prayers,
it was sentenced to be first whipped, and then buried and disinterred, by way
of symbolizing its new birth at passing into Catholic hands.  Thereafter it
was catechized, and obliged to recant and promise that it would never again
relapse into sin.  Having made this ample and honourable amends, the bell was
reconciled, baptized, and given, or rather sold, to the parish of St.
Bartholomew.  But when the governer sent in the bill for the bell to the
parish authorities, they declined to settle it, alleging that the bell, as
a recent convert to Catholicism, desired to take advantage of the law lately
passed by the king, which allowed all new converts a delay of three years in
paying their debts.
 -- Sir James G. Frazer, _Folklore In The Old Testament_
%%
In modern music, when two people sing at the same time, it is not so much a
 duet as a duel.
%%
iNMOP 3PISdn 6NIhlJ SI 3SIJdJ3LN3 dIHSJVLS 3HL
%%
In morals, what begins in fear usually ends in wickedness; in religion,
what begins in fear usually ends in fanaticism. Fear, either as a
principle or a motive, is the beginning of all evil.
 -- Mrs. Jameson
%%
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
%%
In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth
sorrow.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes i, 18
%%
In music one must think with the heart and feel with the brain.
 -- George Szell
%%
In Music, the next best thing to a Lerner, is a Lowe.
%%
In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
In my car, I can drive 200 miles and the gas gauge stays on full. Just 20
 feet after that 200 mile mark, and the gauge drops dead and falls to near
 empty. Why?
%%
In my day, we didn't have self-esteem, we had self-respect, and no
more of it than we had earned.
 -- Jane Haddam
%%
In my end is my beginning.
%%
In my family, Crazy is a relative term.
%%
In my Father's house are many mansions.
 -- New Testament
 -- John xiv, 2
%%
In my heart it is spring.
%%
In my hot youth, when George the Third was king.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 212
%%
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
 have to go upstairs.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
In my Lucia's absence Life hangs upon me, and becomes a burden; I
am ten times undone, while hope, and fear, And grief, and rage and
love rise up at once, And with variety of pain distract me.
 -- Joseph Addison
%%
In my mind's eye, Horatio.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
In my music, I'm trying to play the truth of what I am.  The reason
it's difficult is because I'm changing all the time.
 -- Charles Mingus
%%
In my next life I'm coming back as my cat!
%%
In my opinion I think that an author when he is
   writing shouldn't get into the habit of making use of
   too many unnecessary words that he does not really need.
 -- Writing Rule 16
%%
In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if it
came up and bit him on his Internet.
 -- Ross M. Greenberg
%%
In my opinion, television validates existence.
%%
In my school-days, when I had lost one shaft,
I shot his fellow of the selfsame flight
The selfsame way, with more advised watch,
To find the other forth; and by adventuring both,
I oft found both.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
In my view, God educates us through our deceptions and mistakes, in
order to make us understand at last that we ought to believe only
in Him, and not in man.
%%
In my youth I wanted to be a great pantomimist--but I found I had nothing
 to say.
 -- Victor Borge
%%
In naked beauty more adorn'd,
More lovely than Pandora.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book iv, Line 713
%%
In nakedness I behold the majesty of the essential instead of the trappings
of pretension.
 -- Horatio Greenough
%%
In `Nam, the F1 key was not the "HELP" key = FIRE ONE!
%%
INNATE, adj.  Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,
ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to
us.  The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths
of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible
to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it
"a black eye."  Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in
one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's
country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance
of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's
diseases.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In nature, nothing is ever right. therefore,
 if everything is going right... SOMETHING IS WRONG.
%%
In nature's infinite book of secrecy
A little I can read.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences.
 -- Robert Ingersoll (Lectures and Essays, 3d Series, Some Reasons Why, iii)
%%
In need of a good reformatting.
%%
In need of a rest? Quaff a potion of sickness!
%%
In need of a ROM upgrade.
%%
Inner peace results when behavior is based on correct principles.
%%
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
In New York crime is getting worse. I was there the other day. The Statue
 of Liberty had both hands up.
 -- Jay Leno
%%
Innocence gave me confidence to go up against reality.
 -- Neil Peart
%%
Innocence, innocence, innocence lost,
All souls want it back, some uncover the cost.
Innocence, innocence, innocence lost,
Break free, look at me, is your innocence lost?
 -- From the song "Innocence Lost" by Steve Taylor
%%
Innocence is always unsuspicious.
 -- Haliburton
%%
Innocence, most often, is good fortune and not a virtue.
 -- Anatole France
%%
Innocent-------- and Horny [picture of unicorn]
%%
Innocent women
 -- Oxymoron
%%
In no event will the author be liable for ANY damages
arising from the use, misuse, abuse, inability to use, etc., etc., of
this program, even if it were to initiate a complete mass to energy
conversion of your personal computer, thus reducing the state in which
you reside to a smoldering ruin.  This program is distributed "as is"
and the user assumes all risks.  If these terms are unacceptable I hereby
grant the user the right to erase this program from any storage medium
said user may own or use.
 -- DISCLAIMER
 -- disclaimer found on a piece of freeware.
%%
In notes by distance made more sweet.
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- The Passions, Line 60
%%
In NOTORIOUS, Claude Reins' Nazi Mom says to him:
   You have been saved by the enormity of your stupidity
%%
Innovation for the holders of conventional wisdom is not novelty,
 but annihilation.
 -- Marshal McLuhan
%%
Innovation is hard to schedule.
 -- Dan Fylstra
%%
Innovations in law, whether good or bad, spin an entangling weave
far more often than they sew a straight stitch. Division of labor
can make for great efficiency; too great a division of labor in lawmaking
can instead create a crazy quilt.
 -- Michael Scully
%%
Innuendo: Italian for where you hang your curtains.
%%
Innuendo: Where your cat sits to look outside at the birds.
%%
In numbers warmly pure and sweetly strong.
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- Ode to Simplicity
%%
Innumerable as the stars of night,
Or stars of morning, dewdrops which the sun
Impearls on every leaf and every flower.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book v, Line 745
%%
In object oriented programming the children all inherit the properties of the
parent. And there are no inheritance or property taxes!
%%
In Ocean City, New Jersey, law forbids the sale of cabbage on the
Sabbath.
%%
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
%%
In one recent accounting, [the] Bureau of Indian Affairs financial
wizards valued three chain saws at $99 million each.
 -- U.S. News & World Report, 2/22/93
%%
INOP: Indirect No-OP
%%
In order for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty.
 -- Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth
. . . but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
 -- Freeman's Extension
%%
In order not to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that
 child's parent or grandparent.
 -- Don Marquis
%%
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
 -- Charles de Gaulle
%%
In order to be, never try to seem.
%%
In order to compose, all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else
 has thought of.
 -- Robert Schumann
%%
In order to draw a limit to thinking, we should have to think both sides of
this limit.
 -- Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus
%%
In order to form an excellent and efficient committee, only three people
 are required. Additional to this, one needs to be absent and one needs to
 be sick. On such rare occasions as happen when these circumstances come
 together, you have that threatened species of animal, the perfect
 committee.
%%
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
 -- John's Collateral Corollary
%%
In order to keep engineers and scientists cognizant of the importance of
xprogress, load them down with forms, multiple reports, and frequent meetings.
 -- Richard F. Moore
%%
In order to learn, one must change one's mind.
 -- Orson Scott Card
%%
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.  It is not
always an easy sacrifice.
 -- The Messiah's Handbook
%%
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe.
 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
%%
In order to make [a person] covet a thing, it is only necessary to
make the thing difficult to attain.
 -- Samuel Clemens
%%
In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to
 lie and cheat.
 -- Robert Byrne
%%
"In order to save whales could you please write on both sides of the paper."
 -- Graham Leary, Mathematics II Test
%%
In Order to see what few have seen,
you must go where few have gone, and do what few have done.
%%
    In order to solve this differential equation you look at
it until a solution occurs to you.
 -- Quoted by George Polya
%%
In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient.
Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to
meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in
the long run. I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary
challenging spirit today.
 -- Hajime Karatsu
%%
In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do
the next time.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
In order to write about life, first you must live it!
 -- Ernest Hemingway
%%
In Oregon, the State Legislature has come up with a State Nut. This is
 unlikely to happen in Missouri, since there are too many candidates.
%%
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical,
   and physical chemists get through picking over the
   periodic table.
 -- The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
%%
In other words, psychoanalysts relieve their patients from
feeling guilty about things of which they are not guilty,
and leave them with the sense of guilt about things of which
they really are guilty.
 -- Gregory Zilboorg, "Psychoanalysis and Religion"
%%
I noticed that some household columns suggest that people use elbow grease
for cleaning. After a long and fruitless search, I still have been unable to
find this amazing product. Could you tell me where to buy it?
%%
I notice that you stole one of my taglines tho....
%%
I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.
 -- Woodrow Wilson
%%
In our apartment house we have a very scientific plumbing system. Every
 apartment has three pipes running through it. One for hot water, one for
 cold water, and one to bang on when there is no hot or cold water.
 -- Ed Wynn
%%
In our century, we've learned not to fear words.
 -- Uhura, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
%%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
 the cares of office.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In our family, there was no clear line between religion and fly fishing.  We
lived at the junction of great trout rivers in western Montana, and our father
was a Presbyterian minister and a fly fisherman who tied his own flies and
taught others.  He told us about Christ's diciples being fishermen, and were
left to assume, as my brother and I did, that all first-class fisherman on
the Sea of Galilee were dry fishermen and that John, the favorite, was a
dry-fly fisherman.
 -- "A River Runs Through It", by Norman Maclean, page 1
%%
In our haste to deal with the things that are wrong, let us not upset
the things that are right.
%%
In our last congressional elections, there was less turnover in the House
 of Representatives than there was in the Soviet Politburo:   98.5% of the
 incumbents were reelected!
 -- John McCormick, _Self-Made In America_
%%
In our society, sometimes you have to penalize (innocent) people for
the good of everybody else.
 -- A Pittsburgh Cop 10/16/93
%%
In our society, the Republicans set out to prove that the Democrats can not
 be trusted to run the government. And the Democrats set out to prove that
 the Republicans can not be trusted to run our government. The real problem
 here is that both the Democrats and the Republicans have come up with
 something which is absolutely true and perfectly correct. This means that
 the people get to pull some sort of horrible trick on themselves and live
 with their choice for four years.
%%
Inouye shoulda been able to get in...
%%
I no wanna work, I wanna bang on keyboard all day...
%%
I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal
 in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast.
 -- Ronald W. Reagan
%%
I now have no time to be tired.
 -- Wilhelm I, 8 March 1888
%%
I now pronounce you men and wives.
%%
In painting you must give the idea of the true by means of the false:
 -- Degas
%%
In Palm Springs, they think that homelessness is caused by
bad divorce lawyers.
 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury", cartoon strip
%%
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did
  succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
In part to blame is she,
Which hath without consent bin only tride:
He comes to neere that comes to be denide.
 -- Sir Thomas Overbury (1581-1613)
 -- A Wife, St. 36
%%
In peace, as a wise man, he should make suitable preparation for war.
 -- Horace (65-8 BC)
 -- Satires, ii, 2, (111.)
%%
INPEACH CLINTON!, AND GET HER HUSBAND TOO!
%%
In pioneer Utah, Mormon girls tended to marry Young.
%%
In place of infinity we usually put some really big number, like 15.
 -- Anonymous Computer Science professor
%%
In pleasant times, we feel less time urgency
and in unpleasant times we feel more.
%%
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
%%
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that The carrying
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
view.
%%
    In political discussion heat is in inverse proportion to
knowledge.
 -- J.G.C. Minchin
%%
In politics, he gives twice who gives soon, since he will be called upon
 quickly to give again.
%%
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
 done, ask a woman.
 -- Margaret Thatcher
%%
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
In politics, what begins in fear usually ends in folly.
 -- Coleridge
%%
In practical life, the woman is judged by man's law,
as if she were a man, not a woman.
 -- Henrik Ibsen
%%
In precise mathematical terms, 1 + 1 = 2, where '=' is a
symbol meaning, 'is seldom if ever.'
 -- Addendum to Murphy's Law
%%
In pride, in reasoning pride, our error lies;
All quit their sphere, and rush into the skies.
Pride still is aiming at the blest abodes:
Men would be angels, angels would be gods.
Aspiring to be gods, if angels fell,
Aspiring to be angels, men rebel.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Man, Epistle i, Line 123
%%
In principle I am against principles.
 -- Tristan Tzara
%%
Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.
%%
Input/Output.  All you computer people think about is sex.
 -- SLR
%%
In putting off what one ought to do, one runs the risk of not being able to
 do it, and this is a risk I am more than willing to take.
%%
In quietness and confidence will be your strength...
 -- Isaiah
%%
Inquiring minds already think they know!
%%
Inquiring minds couldn't care less!
%%
Inquiring minds WANT TO KNOW!
%%
Inquiry is fatal to certainty.
 -- Will Durant
%%
Inquisitive people are the funnels of conversation; they do not take
in anything for their own use, but merely to pass it to another.
 -- Steele
%%
Inquisitor: Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're
 judge shall be ... yourself.
Rimmer:     Oh SMEG.
 -- Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor'
%%
In rage deaf as the sea, hasty as fire.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Richard II
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
    In reality, though, the first thing to ask of history is
that it should point out to us the paths of liberty.  The
great lesson to draw from revolutions is not that they devour
humanity but rather that tyranny never fails to generate them.
 -- Pierre Trudeau
%%
In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends
upon the name it bears.  Things are not only what they are.  They
are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.
 -- Hubert H. Humphrey (1911-78)
%%
In recognizing AT&T Bell Laboratories for corporate innovation, for its
invention of cellular mobile communications, IEEE President Russell C. Drew
referred to the cellular telephone as a "basic necessity."  How times have
changed, one observer remarked: many in the room recalled the advent of
direct dialing.
 -- The Institute, July 1988, pg. 11
%%
In records that defy the tooth of time.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- The Statesman's Creed
%%
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he
 received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has
 not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that
 If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.
 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%%
In regard to body language, there are some who speak a better class of
 language than others.
%%
 In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty
 of intention: the inventor produces a lock which he honestly thinks will
 possess such and such qualities; and he declares his belief to the world.
 If others differ from him in opinion concerning those qualities, it is open
 to them to say so; and the discussion, truthfully conducted, must lead to
 public advantage: the discussion stimulates curiosity, and curiosity stimu-
 lates invention.  Nothing but a partial and limited view of the question
 could lead to the opinion that harm can result: if there be harm, it will be
 much more than counterbalanced by good.
 -- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks,
    published around 1850.
%%
In Response to the Heavy Mail Department: I did not say that Dan Quayle was
 so dumb he flunked his blood test. I know for a fact that his grade was D+,
 so I did not say that. Please do not accuse me of saying things I did not
 say.
%%
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
INR: INstigate Rumor
%%
In rivers and bad governments, the lightest things swim to the top.
 -- Poor Richard
%%
(in Robotman's spaceship)
Robotman: Wait 'til I get this baby cruisin'...We'll be movin' faster than
light!
Oscar Milde: But Einstein said nothing can go faster than light!
Robotman: Normally, that's true.  But you can go faster than light when you go
downhill...
Oscar: Wow...Einstein made a mistake!
Robotman: Be easy on him. Even geniuses have bad days...
%%
Insane little animals... ferrets, I mean.
%%
:insanely great: adj. [Mac community, from Steve Jobs; also BSD UNIX
   people via Bill Joy] Something so incredibly {elegant} that it is
   imaginable only to someone possessing the most puissant of
   {hacker}-natures.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
 -- R. D. Lang
%%
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties,
 nations and epochs, it is the rule.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), Beyond Good annd Evil
%%
Insanity is all in the mind.
%%
Insanity is for those incapable of handling Cthulhu.
%%
Insanity is fun if you do it right.
%%
Insanity is hereditary. You can get it from your children.
 -- Sam Levenson
%%
Insanity is just a state of mind.
%%
Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%%
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is
sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
%%
Insanity, its not just a plea. Its a way of life.
%%
Insanity runs in my family; it practically gallops...
%%
Insanity --- The ORIGINAL artificial reality.
%%
In Santa Clara it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron
saint of television.
%%
Insatiate archer! could not one suffice?
Thy shaft flew thrice, and thrice my peace was slain;
And thrice, ere thrice yon moon had filled her horn.
 -- Edward Young (1684-1765)
 -- Night Thoughts, Night i, Line 212
%%
In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
 Every crime ends with a sentence.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
In school I was never the class clown, but more of the class trapeze
 artist, as I was always being suspended ... Once the teacher said, "Emo,
 what's five-nineteenths divided by four-fifteenths?" and my brain began to
 bleed. She said, "Take it easy. What's our common denominator?" I said, "A
 fondness for little girls?"
 -- Emo Philips
%%
In science as in love, too much concentration on technique can often
lead to impotence.
 -- P. L. Berger
%%
In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that
it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent."  I suppose that
apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not
merit equal time in physics classrooms.
 -- Stephen Jay Gould
%%
In science, it doesn't matter if you're wrong, as long
as you're not stupid. In business, it doesn't matter if
you're stupid, so long as you're not wrong.
%%
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a
really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would
actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them
again.   They really do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should,
because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful.  But it
happens every day.  I cannot recall the last time someting like that
happened in politics or religion.
 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP Keynote Address
%%
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by
everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the
exact opposite.
 -- Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
%%
In science, right conduct consists of evaluating evidence honestly and
according to the canons of scientific reasoning.  To misrepresent the
evidence and the criteria of judgement is not merely to provide
misinformation; it is to set an example of dishonesty.  Telling lies
to naive and trusting young persons is bad.  Doing so for the purpose
of proselytizing is worse.
 -- biologist Michael T. Ghiselin
%%
In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the
world, not to the man to whom the idea first occurs.
 -- Sir William Osler
%%
In search for the perfect comm program...
%%
In search of a new paradigm.
%%
In search of Bob's brain.
%%
In search of cognitive dissonance...
%%
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
%%
INSECTICIDE
  Insecticide is a wondrous substance used to kill poor little
  innocent insects, whose only fault is that they like crapping in
  your food, nibbling on your skin, and buzzing around. But why use
  conventional insecticide when you can use DDT?! From a real advert
  for DDT, circa 1947:
        "To keep your dog free of fleas and protected from ticks,
        dust him once a month with Taylor's Number 13 DDT Powder.
        Happy dog - he can't bring fleas into the house anymore!"
  ...because he's outside dying on the lawn, no doubt. Rover! Get up!
  And put your fur back on!
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
INSECTIVORA, n.
    "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
    "How Providence provides for all His creatures!"
    "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:
    For us He has provided wrens and swallows."
                                                         Sempen Railey
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
Insert a blank disk into C: and press [ENTER].
%%
Insert appropriate tagline here.
%%
Insert brain, then type
%%
Insert DF0: in any drive.
%%
Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue.
%%
Insert diskette in Drive C. Press [ENTER] to continue...
%%
Insert disk with \HURTME.COM and strike Worf when ready.
%%
Insert dynamite in drive B: light fuse when ready...
%%
Insert inevitable trivial witticism of your choice.
%%
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
%%
Insert prong A into hole B and twist HARD!
%%
Insert Snazzy Tagline here __________________
%%
Insert the disk at your own risk!
%%
Insert Witty Tagline Here ...
%%
Insert your card magnetic stripe down.
%%
In shallow waters, shrimps make fools of dragons.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
In short, a German spy is giving way every one of our battle plans.
You look surprised, Blackadder.
I cerainly am, sir. I didn't realise we _had_ any battle plans.
 -- Cpt. Darling, Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
In short, members of the United States Congress enjoy more job security
than members of the Supreme Soviet.
 -- CNN: 7 Nov 1990, 12:15 AM EST
%%
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
%%
Inside a shop you better take a look at the price tags before buying anything.
%%
Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine
struggling to be free.
 -- Rhode's Corollary to Hoare's Law
%%
Inside every fat person is a thin person. The fat one ate him.
%%
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
 -- Hoare's Law of Large Problems
%%
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
 -- Terry Pratchett.
%%
Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
%%
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
 -- The Schainker Converse to Hoare's Law of Large Problems
%%
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Inside the Barney suit - God's sentence to John Hammond for playing God.
%%
Inside the museum infinity goes up on trial. Voices echo, 'This is what
    salvation must be like after a while.'  But Mona Lisa must have had the
  highway blues; you can tell by the way she smiles.
 -- Bob Dylan
%%
Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out.  I ate her.
%%
Insight is often mistaken for madness.
 -- Sir George Hutchinson, THE AWAKENING
%%
 In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus
 one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong
 way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.
 -- Corollary to the First Law of Revision
%%
Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to
live in the real world.
 -- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden
%%
In six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea and all that in them is -
he was self-employed.
%%
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), Prudence
%%
In small proportions we just beauties see,
And in short measures life may perfect be.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Underwoods. To the immortal Memory of Sir Lucius Cary and Sir
 -- Henry Morison, III
%%
In sober state,
Through the sequestered vale of rural life,
The venerable patriarch guileless held
The tenor of his way.
 -- Beilby Porteus (1731-1808)
 -- Death, Line 108
%%
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything
 you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to
 insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be,
 be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to
 insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as
 your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be
 yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this
 thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

 -- Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny
%%
Insofar as love expresses itself, it is not expressing itself in terms of
 socially approved manners of life.   That's why it is all so secret.  Love
 has nothing to do with social order.  It is a higher spiritual experience
 than that of socially organized marriage.
 -- Joseph Campbell
%%
Insofar as my employer has coherent
opinions they are unlikely to be mine.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
 In so far as virus-makers have any discernible motive, they
    presumably feel vaguely anarchistic.  I appeal to them: do you really
   want to pave the way for a new fat-cat profession
   ['software-doctors']? If not, stop playing at silly memes, and put
   your modest programming talents to better use.
 -- Richard Dawkings:
 -- The Selfish Gene
%%
In solitude, where we are least alone.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 90
%%
In some circles, "666" has a bad connotation. For example, take the name of
 Ronald Wilson Reagan. It equals 666! Won the Presidency with the slogan:
 "Let me sleep in the Whitehouse. Everyone's got to sleep somewhere."
%%
In some places it's known as a tornado.  In others, a cyclone. And
in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round.  But around here they'll
always be known as screw-boys.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
In some sort of crude sense which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement,
can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge
which they cannot lose.
 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
%%
In some ways, yesterday seems long ago;
 In other ways it seems like only yesterday....
%%
Insomnia cures snoring.
%%
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
%%
In space, farts are silent, but the smell lasts forever.
%%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%%
In space, no one can hear you flame.
 -- Tim P Scott, [e-mail]
%%
In space, no one can hear you rip a stinky.
%%
In space, no one can hear you scream.
%%
In specifications, Murphy's Law supercedes Ohm's.
 -- Klipstein's Law of Specification
%%
Inspected by:  #15.
%%
Inspect every piece of pseudoscience and you will find a security blanket,
a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold.  What have we to offer in exchange?
Uncertainty!  Insecurity!
 -- Isaac Asimov
%%
INSPECTOR END OF FILM: Move along.  There's nothing to see!  Keep moving!
   [Suddenly he notices the cameras.]
INSPECTOR END OF FILM: (to Camera) All right, put that away sonny.
   [He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.]
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
Inspired by Brown's "Take Back America".
I'd like to see this on somebody's bumper:
   TAKE AMERICA BACK!
   We want a refund!
%%
Inspiring, bold John Barleycorn,
What dangers thou canst make us scorn!
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Tam o' Shanter
%%
 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
 -- G's Third Law
 There is no magic...
 -- H's Dictum
%%
In spite of the cost of living it is still popular.
 -- Kathleen Norris
%%
In spite of the recent progress in science, the depths of human imbecility
have not yet been plumbed.
 -- H. Ellis
%%
In spite of what you may have heard, it is permissible to yell "FIRE!" in a
 theatre, particularly if the theater is on fire.
%%
In spring, an old man's stomach turns.
 -- Larry Siegel
%%
INSQSW  Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
%%
instable - where horses sleep
%%
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will
be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
%%
Installation recommended (not included).
%%
Install failed. Attempting to transfer virus to c:
%%
Installing unix fixes the [VMS] bug.
%%
Instant asshole: Just add alcohol.
%%
Instant cassettes: out in the stores BEFORE the movie is finished!
%%
Instant gratification has its merits.
%%
"Instant gratification is not fast enough."
 -- Suzanne Vega, "Postcards from the Edge"
%%
Instant Gratification takes too long...
%%
Instant Human: Just Add Coffee...
%%
Instant Human: Just add diet coke . . .
%%
Instant idiot! Just add alcohol.
%%
Instant Programmer: Just add caffeine
%%
Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
%%
Instant swimmer. Just add water.
%%
Instant water just add er.. um.. ??!!
%%
Instant XT...Just add Windows.
%%
In statements involving two word phrases,
make an all out effort to use hyphens.
%%
"Instead of all of this energy and effort directed at the war
to end drugs, how about a little attention to drugs which will
end war?"
 -- Albert Hofmann
%%
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun?  It's cheaper than a dog, plus
 if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the
 way.  Cars, too!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and if
 he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait.  I guess that's like a regular window.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?
%%
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?
 It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of crying over spilt milk go milk another cow.
%%
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why
don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from
learning anything?   If it works as good as the Prohibition one did,
why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
 "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all
 be brothers?
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
 -- Edgar W. Howe
%%
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone?  That
 way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
 catching some rays?  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;
 that's my point.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of the Miss America Pageant I could enter the Miss Neurosis
 Pageant. Among my hobbies are stewing in my own juices and blowing things
 out of proportion.
 -- Carol Siskind
%%
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind
 should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Instead of using a loom, we've going to wind all the
yarn into balls and adopt an infinite number of kittens.
%%
Instead of worrying about my clothes, I could be someone that nobody
 knows.
 -- Sting
%%
In ((STEREO)) where available.
%%
Instinct is intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.
%%
Instruction address trace is the systems little
black book, chock full of the addresses of all
those important instructions
 -- MVS/ESA: Diagnosis: Tools and Service Aids LY28-1813-03
 -- 12.0 Chapter 12.  Instruction Address Trace
%%
INSTRUCTIONS
  1. Take your new Toxic Custard out of the box, and check that all
     the parts are present. (Main heading, body, dividing hyphens,
     back-issues plug, signature)
  2. Place the dividing hyphens at suitable places within the body,
     taking care to ensure that topics are kept apart.
  3. Insert the main heading above the body.
  4. Append the back-issues plug and signature in that order, below
     the body. Slot disclaimer A into signature B.
  PROBLEM SOLVING
     If you have problems reading your Toxic Custard, before calling
  for service, please ensure that you are not wasting everybody's
  time and generally being an ignorant consumer by making sure that:
  -  all jokes contain sufficient puns
  -  your Toxic Custard is not overrun by innuendo
  -  no obsolete sideways messages have made their way into the text
  -  the signature includes a (probably useless) copyright message
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte.
%%
Instructors do it with less-on.
%%
Instrument of Darwin
%%
Instruments register only through things they're designed to register.
  Space still contains infinite unknowns.
 -- Spock, "The Naked Time," stardate 1704.2.
%%
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
 -- Alan Kay
%%
In such a strait the wisest may well be perplexed and the boldest staggered.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontent, Vol. i, p. 516
%%
In such green palaces the first kings reign'd,
Slept in their shades, and angels entertain'd;
With such old counsellors they did advise,
And by frequenting sacred groves grew wise.
 -- Edmund Waller (1605-1687)
 -- On St. James's Park
%%
Insufficent number of error messages.
 -- WinError #762143
%%
INSUFFICIANT MEM... er... How does that go again?
%%
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
 -- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
%%
Insufficient memory: add 4 megs and retry
%%
Insufficient Memory Error... Remove that stupid BUFFERS=2037463 line.
%%
Insufficient memory for Mackintosh users.
%%
Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
 -- WindowError: 815
%%
Insufficient resources: Insert wallet in drive A:...
%%
Insufficient safeguards built in.
%%
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
 -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1.
%%
Insurance Salesman: You do the things you do because you're a homicidal maniac.
Bell Boy: That... that does explain a lot doesn't it... it's all starting to
make sense now.
 --  The X Files
%%
Insurance salesmen are premium lovers.
%%
Insured by the Mafia.
 You hit me, we hit you.
 -- Bumpersticker in NYC
%%
INSURRECTION, n.  An unsuccessful revolution.  Disaffection's failure
to substitute misrule for bad government.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In Sweden, where nudism is a general practice, the suicide rate is
 alarmingly high. Nudism may be a contributing factor. It's not unlikely
 that a potential suicide gets very depressed comparing himself with some of
 the others.

 On the other hand, I'd expect nudists to be a happy group. There are some
 people I know who would be good for a laugh if you saw them with their
 clothes off.
 -- Selma Diamond
%%
In tabulario donationem fecit. [He made a gift in the archive]
%%
In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to
 say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl
 spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her
 drunk...
 -- Steve Martin
%%
In technology anything is possible if you don't know it isn't available yet.
%%
Integrated Software - A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
   functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he
   uses constantly.
 -- From the Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 Issue
%%
Integration means more than having all the maps at the same scale!
%%
Integrity has no need for rules.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
Integrity is praised, and starves.
%%
Integrity is the superlative strategy. <---- honesty is the best policy
%%
Integrity needs no rules.
%%
Integrity of Heart; Skill of Hand.
%%
Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without
integrity is dangerous and dreadful.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
Intel 586 Troubleshooting Tip 1:  Refrigerate Computer.
%%
Intel Inside
 Can't Divide
%%
Intel inside, idiot outside
%%
Intellect annuls fate.  So far as man thinks he is free.
 -- Emerson
%%
Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong.
 -- David Fasold
%%
Intellectually challenged.
%%
Intellectuals are the most intolerant of all people.
 -- Paul Duncun
%%
Intellectuals should never marry; they won't enjoy it; and besides, they
 should not reproduce themselves.
 -- Don Herold
%%
Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.
 -- Einstein
%%
Intellectual 'work' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation,
and is its own highest reward.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along
without an education.
Education appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along
without the use of his intelligence.
 -- A. E. Wiggan
%%
Intelligence Incarnate.
%%
Intelligence, in diapers, is invisible.   And when it matures, out the window
 it flies.  We have to pounce on it earlier.
 -- Stanislaw Lem
%%
Intelligence is a function of imagination.
%%
INTELLIGENCE IS A STATE OF MIND????
%%
Intelligence is believing only half of what you hear;
Brilliance is knowing which half.
%%
Intelligence is normal, Ignorance must be explained.
%%
Intelligence is that faculty of mind, by which order is preceived in a
situation previously considered disordered.
 -- Haneef A. Fatmi
%%
Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac
%%
Intelligence not found here.  Conservative Territory!
%%
Intelligence not found here.  Fake it? (Y/N)
%%
Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing.
 -- Gloria Steinem
%%
Intelligent readers ignore taglines
%%
Intel: littendian, segmentated, trimodal...fun.
%%
Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
%%
Intel - still number 0.999873464508
%%
Intel - they couldn't spell intelligent!
%%
INTEL would've flunked Computer Architecture 101!
%%
In ten minutes, the Joker poison on your Batman
memorabilia will be activated
%%
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.
%%
Intense : Where campers hang out.
%%
Intentionally concentrating and inhaling the vapors can be harmful.
%%
INTENTION, n.  The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of
influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,
immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Interchangeable devices won't.
 -- The Fourth SNAFU Equation
%%
Interchangeable parts aren't.
 -- Kilpatrick's law
%%
Interchangeable parts aren't.
 -- Murphy's Military Laws, #37
%%
Interchangeable parts won't.
 -- The RPCISPE's Eleventh Universal Law
%%
Interchangeable tapes won't.
%%
INTERDIGIT
  Another one of those words that no-one of any importance ever uses.
  Probably devised by the same guy who thought up "recalcitrant". In
  fact, the sort of word that is more sensibly expressed using one or
  more other words that people can actually understand.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Interested in CHEAP R/C TOYS & other robotics stuff...
%%
:interesting: adj. In hacker parlance, this word has strong
   connotations of `annoying', or `difficult', or both.  Hackers
   relish a challenge, and enjoy wringing all the irony possible out
   of the ancient Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times".
   Oppose {trivial}, {uninteresting}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is
 finite.  This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for
 people who can never remember where they have left things.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
Interestingly enough, there are many kids who just can't seem to get their
 multiplication tables down, some of whom can't even add, for that matter.
 But ask them a phone number, and whammo, you've got the whole thing
 instantly.
%%
"Interesting poll results reported in today's New
York Post: people on the street in midtown
Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the
US invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said
yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme
a quarter?"
 -- David Letterman
%%
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York
 City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves
 around than any other city in the world.
 -- David Letterman
%%
Interest speaks all sorts of tongues, and plays all sorts of parts,
even that of disinterestedness.
 -- Francis, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
 -- Maxim 39
%%
Interfere? Of course you should interfere!
 Always do what you're best at, I say.
 -- Doctor Who
%%
Interior Decorating: Curt Enrod
%%
Interior decorators do it all over the house.
%%
Interjections! show excitement! or emotion!
%%
[Interlaced pentacle]
%%
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
%%
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify
 -- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language
%%
InterLink Shareware conference moderator.
%%
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
%%
Internal consistency is valued more highly than
efficiency.
 -- Peter's Inversion
 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
>>> Internal error in fortune program:
>>>        fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
%%
[e-mail]
%%
Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people
it is a complete substitute for life.
 -- Andrew Brown
%%
Internet: The Autobaun of the computer world.
%%
Internet Traveler... Destination: Electronic Cottage Colony
%%
Interplanet Janet, she's a galaxy girl
%%
Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
INTERPRETERS do it manually and orally
%%
INTERREGNUM, n.  The period during which a monarchical country is
governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.  The experiment
of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most
unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm
again.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Interrogator's lunch- grilled cheese
 -- Raymond D. Love
%%
:interrupt: 1. [techspeak] n. On a computer, an event that
   interrupts normal processing and temporarily diverts
   flow-of-control through an "interrupt handler" routine.  See also
   {trap}.  2. interj. A request for attention from a hacker.
   Often explicitly spoken.  "Interrupt --- have you seen Joe
   recently?"  See {priority interrupt}.  3. Under MS-DOS, nearly
   synonymous with `system call', because the OS and BIOS routines
   are both called using the INT instruction (see {{interrupt list,
   the}}) and because programmers so often have to bypass the OS (going
   directly to a BIOS interrupt) to get reasonable
   performance.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:interrupt list, the:: [MS-DOS] n. The list of all known software
   interrupt calls (both documented and undocumented) for IBM PCs and
   compatibles, maintained and made available for free redistribution
   by Ralf Brown <[e-mail]>.  As of late 1992, it had grown to
   approximately two megabytes in length.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:interrupts locked out: adj. When someone is ignoring you.  In a
   restaurant, after several fruitless attempts to get the waitress's
   attention, a hacker might well observe "She must have interrupts
   locked out".  The synonym `interrupts disabled' is also common.
   Variations abound; "to have one's interrupt mask bit set" and
   "interrupts masked out" are also heard.  See also {spl}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Interstate-65  Auburn-9
%%
Interstate-75  University of Florida-3
%%
Interstellar amity demands that we make some physical
contact at this point, but I beg to be excused.
%%
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
%%
Interviewer:    So you are the camp co-ordinator.  What does that entail?
Venture Scout:  Well, basically, I co-ordinate the camp.
 -- '8.15 From Manchester', BBC1 TV
%%
In Texas, we have the gender-independent personal pronoun

                 she/he/it

which, if pronounced sloppily enough, and with a nice Texan
drawl, will let you know what I think of this discussion . . .

 -- Tom Rokicki
%%
In that day a man shall cast his idols... to the moles and to the bats.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah ii, 20
%%
In that day seven women shall take hold of one man.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Isaiah iv, 1
%%
In that fierce light which beats upon a throne.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Idylls of the King, Dedication
%%
In the 17th century, Kikaku, one of the ten disciples of the great
Japanese poet Basho, composed a haiku:
     Take a pair of wings
     From a dragonfly, you would
     Make a pepper-pod.
Basho told Kikaku: That's not a haiku. You kill the dragonfly.
Kikaku recomposed the lines:
       Add a pair of wings
     To a pepper-pod, you would
     Make a dragonfly.
 -- Amal Naj, PEPPERS
%%
[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...  You
could strike sparks anywhere.  There was a fantastic universal sense
that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...

And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we
didn't need that.  Our energy would simply `prevail'.  There was no
point in fighting -- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum;
we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....

So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
rolled back.
 -- Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
%%
In the adversity of our best friends we often find something that
is not exactly displeasing. -- Francis, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
 -- Maxim 99, later suppressed
%%
In the afterlife, everyone's good-looking.
 -- Laurie Thompson
%%
In the afternoons, Gertrude Stein and I used to go antique hunting in the
 local shops, and I remember once asking her if she thought I should become
 a writer. In the typically cryptic way we were all so enchanted with, she
 said, "No." I took that to mean yes and sailed for Italy the next day.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
In the Arctic Ocean: Isa Berg
%%
 (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
 moans; husky, soft female voice is best:)  Hi...  You've just
 reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace.  We're all busy as I'm sure
 you can tell, but when we're done...  we'll get back to you in
 whatever way we can.
 -- Answering machine madness - odd organizations
%%
In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.
%%
In the battle off Cape St. Vincent, Nelson gave orders for boarding
the "San Josef," exclaiming "Westminster Abbey, or victory!"
 -- Horatio Nelson (1758-1805)
 -- Life of Nelson (Southey), Vol. i, p. 93
%%
In the beginning God created...
 -- Genesis 1:1
%%
In the beginning, God created gravity.
>From then on, it was all downhill.
%%
In the Beginning, God rolled a 20 on the Random World Generation Table
%%
In the beginning, I was made.  I didn't ask to be made.  No one consulted
with me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way
through life's mournful jungle, then so be it.
 -- Marvin the Paranoid Android,
 -- From Douglas Adams' Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Radio Scripts
%%
In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him.
 -- Ian Anderson, musician, Jethro Tull
 -- Aqualung
%%
In the beginning, t=0, where t is time.
%%
In the beginning, the grocery was without form and void, and
darkness was on the face of the 7-11.
 -- (Haagendasz 1,1)
%%
In the beginning, there was AT&T...
%%
In the beginning, there was Jack...
%%
In the beginning, there was nothing.  Then God said 'Let there be light',
 and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
 -- Dave Thomas, SCTV
%%
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
%%
   In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.
   So they spake unto their Division Head, saying,
It is a crock of shit, and it stinks.
   And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof.
   Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may
abide before it.
   And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant
Technical Director, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may
abide by its strength.
   And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong.
   And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying,
The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories.
   And the Captain looked down upon the Project,
and He saw that it was Good!
%%
In the beginning was the word - and the word was four bytes.
 -- from the bible?
%%
In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was
added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax...
 -- John Simon
%%
In the best of possible worlds the chateau of monseigneur the baron
was the most beautiful of chateaux, and madame the best of possible
baronesses.
 -- Francis M. Voltaire (1694-1778)
 -- Candide, Chap. i
%%
In the blackout they dance; rock into the aisles,
 and as the doors fly open even the promoter smiles.
 Someone takes his pants off and the rafters knock.
 Rock is dead, they say ............... LONG LIVE ROCK!
%%
In the Book of Galatians, we are told that whatever a man soweth, that also
 he will reap. This is the reason why so many breakfast foods now have oat
 bran in them. Lots of folks early on in their lives sowed a whole lot of
 oats, which are now coming home to roost.
%%
In the bottle, discontent seeks for comfort, cowardice for courage,
and bashfulness for confidence.
 -- Johnson
%%
In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear
 rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to
 drink beer.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
In the broad and final sense all institutions are educational in the sense that
they operate to form the attitudes, dispositions, abilities and disabilities
that constitute a concrete personality...Whether this educative process is
carried on in a predominantly democratic or non-democratic way becomes,
therefore, a question of transcendent importance not only for education itself
but for its final effect upon all the interests and activites of a society that
is committed to the democratic way of life.
 -- John Dewey
%%
In the busy haunts of men.
 -- Felicia D. Hemas (1794-1835)
 -- Tale of the Secret Tribunal, Part i
%%
In the cafeteria just after lunch, (well, not *just* after, more like
 *during* lunch, about 12:28; say 12:30, give or take a few minutes),
 I leaned back in my chair (it was one of those aluminum chairs, good
 strength-to-weight, like titanium but not quite; but then of course
 titanium would be a bit of an overkill).   Anyway, I heard one of the
 girls talking about how boring she thought engineers could be.
 -- Alan Denney ([e-mail])
%%
In the carriages of the past you can't go anywhere.
 -- Maxim Gorky (1868-1936)
%%
In the case of some women, orgasms take quite a bit of time. Before signing
 on with such a partner, make sure you are willing to lay aside, say, the
 month of June, with sandwiches having to be brought in.
 -- Bruce Jay Friedman
%%
In the city, power walks; taxus are for those who mee the schedules of others.
%%
In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees.  This sudden rise of
 temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat.
%%
IN THE COMPUTER ROOM, no one can hear you SCREAM!
%%
In the computer world, every little bit helps.
%%
In the darkness of future pasts the magician longs to see one chance
 between two worlds.    Fire, walk with me.
 -- One-armed Mike, from Twin Peaks
%%
In the dark, you have fallen into a pit. Although you have climbed
out, out, you have been injured and cannot carry as many things as before.
%%
In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes vii, 14
%%
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
 And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
 And men were really obnoxious...
%%
  In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.  "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
  "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
  "Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.
  "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play"
  Minsky shut his eyes,
  "Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher.
  "So that the room will be empty."
  At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
 -- AI koan
%%
In the dead vast and middle of the night.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
In the demolition derby of life, I'm a Pinto.
%%
In the depths of dead R'lyeh, Great Cthulhu lies dreaming.
%%
In the desert a fountain is springing,
  In the wide waste there still is a tree,
And a bird in the solitude singing,
  Which speaks to my spirit of thee.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Stanzas to Augusta
%%
In the distant past Vulcans killed to win their mates.
And they still go mad at this time.  Perhaps the price they pay for
having no emotions the rest of the time.
 -- Kirk and McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7
%%
In the drinking well
 Which the plumber built her,
 Aunt Eliza fell
 We must buy a filter
 -- Harry Graham
%%
In the echoes, you can remember your name...
%%
In the echo, the mighty echo, the moderator screams tonight...
%%
In the economic sense, our socialism was more like state capitalism
... Marx had never dreamed of anything of the sort ... Soviet Russia
had broken with everything in her history that was revolutionary,
and had got onto the usual rails of great-power imperialism.
 -- Svetlana Alliluyeva
%%
In the education of children there is nothing like alluring the interest
and affection; otherwise you only make so many asses laden with books.
 -- Michel de Montaigne
%%
In the elder days of Art,
  Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
  For the gods see everywhere.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Builders
%%
In the end, everybody must understand for themselves.
 -- Martin-Lof
%%
In the end, everything is a gag.
 -- Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
%%
In the end, it will be the insects who rule the earth.
 -- Noted scientist
%%
In the end more than they wanted freedom, they wanted security. When
the Athenians finally wanted not to give to society but for society
to give to them, when the freedom they wished for was freedom from
responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free.
 -- Edward Gibbon
%%
In the end, one or the other will triumph.  A funeral dirge will be sung
over the Soviet republic or over world capitalism.
 -- Vladimir I. Lenin, 1920
%%
In the End, There can only be Telix, EZR, and DSZ
%%
In the end there can only be Wildcat, Q-Modem and OLX
%%
In the end there will be microwaves, crockpots, and MM
%%
In the end, who cares?
 -- Remo Williams
%%
In the event of earthquake, duck, cover and hold.
%%
In the event your experiment works, do not give up hope. You still have the
 opportunity to come to the wrong conclusion. Even here, if you fail to come
 to the wrong conclusion, you can perhaps have yet another chance, by
 applying the newly discovered facts in an incorrect manner.
%%
In the .EXEs of Life, he had more NOPs than most.
%%
:in the extreme: adj. A preferred superlative suffix for many hackish
   terms.  See, for example, `obscure in the extreme' under {obscure},
   and compare {highly}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
In the face of entropy and nothingness, you have to kind of pretend it's not
 there if you want to keep writing good code.
 -- Karl Lehenbauer
%%
In the factory, we make cosmetics.  In the store, we sell hope.
 -- Charles Revson
%%
In the fields of Hell where the grass grows high
Are the graves of dreams allowed to die.
%%
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
In the first days
Of my distracting grief, I found myself
As women wish to be who love their lords.
 -- John Home (1724-1808)
 -- Douglas, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies and at least four
miscarriages.
 -- Sir Thomas Beecham, on Bruckner's 7th symphony
%%
In the first place, God made idiots.  That was for practice.  Then he
 made school boards.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
In the first weeks I had occasionally worn clothes in the morning before
the sun began its ascent, but very soon I abandoned this habit, and the
only bit of material I ever wore was the strip of sari cloth around my
hips, which was so useful for making into a bag to collect coconuts on
walks.
 -- Lucy Irvine, Castaway
%%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper
order then why can't he?
%%
In the four quarters of the globe, who reads an American book, or
goes to an American play, or looks at an American picture or statue?
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Review of Seybert's Annals of the United States, 1820
%%
In the full tide of successful experiment.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
 -- First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1801
%%
In the future, computer companies will be famous for fifteen minutes.
 -- Martin Streicher
%%
 In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
 -- Andy Warhol
%%
In the future, it is said that the real valuable antiques will be those
 which are made almost entirely of genuine plastic.
%%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
 -- Robert Lucky
%%
In the game of life, father time always wins.
%%
In the game of life it's a good idea to have a few early losses,
which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain
an undefeated season.
 -- Bill Vaughan
%%
In the game of life you get to choose where you keep your brain -
heads you win, tails you loose.
%%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
 Massaging the bust of his madam,
 He chuckled with mirth,
 For he knew that on earth,
 There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
%%
In the gates of Eternity, the black hand and the white hand hold
each other with an equal clasp.
 -- Mrs. Stowe
%%
In the great right of an excessive wrong.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- The Ring and the Book, The other Half-Rome, Line 1055
%%
In the handbook, it says that most people ignore the strange and unusual;
 while I myself *am*... strange and unusual.
 -- BEETLEJUICE
%%
In the hotel there was a mirror over my bed! I was uneasy going to sleep.
 When I sleep I toss and turn, and when I woke up I thought I saw a naked
 sky diver coming at me ... But I don't know what it's there for. I really
 don't. You gonna shave in bed? What the hell you gonna watch? All I know
 is, from the way I ... umm ... you get a broken neck tryin' to watch ...
 and Camille's a virgin Catholic, I know she ain't peekin'!
 -- Bill Cosby
%%
In the intercourse of life we please, often, by our defects than
by our good qualities.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
In their first passion women love their lovers, in all the others
they love love.
 -- Francis, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
 -- Maxim 471
%%
In their nomination to office they will not appoint to the exercise
of authority as to a pitiful job, but as to a holy function.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France, Vol. iii, p. 356
%%
    [In their report on _Life of Brian_]: Monty Python's usual
schoolboy humour is here let loose on a period of history
appropriately familiar to every schoolboy in the West, and a
faith which could be shaken by such good-humoured ribaldry
would be a very precarious faith indeed.
 -- The British Board Of Film Censors
%%
In the jaws of death.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Divine Weekes and Workes, Second Week, First Day, Part iv
%%
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
%%
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is insane.
%%
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
%%
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
%%
In the last decade, we've been sending probes deeper and deeper into
 space.   We've drawn attention to ourselves, Miss Shaw.
 -- Lethbridge-Stewart, SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE
%%
...in the lexicon of the political class, the word sacrifice
means that the citizens are supposed to mail even more of their
income to Washington so that the political class will not have to
sacrifice the pleasure of spending it.
 -- George Will
 -- Newsweek, 2/22/93
%%
In the lexicon of youth, which fate reserves
For a bright manhood, there is no such word
As "fail."
 -- Edward Bulwer Lytton (1805-1873)
 -- Richelieu, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You
 are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
 artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
%%
In the long history of medicine, no doctor has ever caught the first
  few minutes of a play.
 -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2919.8.
%%
In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been
granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger.
  I do not shrink from this responsibility -- I welcome it.
 -- John F. Kennedy (from his Inaugural Address)
%%
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
 -- Alan Perlis
%%
In the long run, men only hit what they aim at.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
In the long run the pessimist may be right,
but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
 -- Daniel L. Reardon
%%
In the long run, though, I think the low quality of English text books
is bound to come to the attention of high-quality publishers ready to
fill our need.  In ten years we will probably have excellent texts
again.  We'll import then from Japan.
 -- Kathryn Lindskoog, Creative Writing For People Who Can't Not Write
%%
In the long run, volunteers will be the most expensive workers you ever had.
%%
In the long run we are all dead.
 -- John Maynard Keynes
%%
In the meantime, one false move and Simon here becomes
 vice-presidential.
 -- Dash X, No Brain, No Pain, Eerie Indiana
%%
In the meantime, one word for any atheists among you: wrong.
 -- God, the Ultimate Autobiography
%%
In the men's bathroom, inside of a stall, it said "Joe eats pussy".
 -- Toilet graffiti in Chester Street, a gay bar in Champaign, IL
%%
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
In the middle of the fight, a hockey game broke out...
%%
In the midst of life we are in death.
 -- Book of Common Prayer
 -- The Burial Service
%%
In the midst of the fountain of wit there arises something bitter,
which stings in the very flowers.
 -- Lucretius (95-55 BC)
 -- De Rerum Natura, iv, 1133
%%
In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the clouds
and storms and quicksands and thousand-and-one items to be allowed for,
that a man has to live, if he would not founder and go to the bottom and
not make his port at all, by dead reckoning, and he must be a great
calculator indeed who succeeds. Simplify, simplify.
 -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden
%%
In the midst of this sublime and terrible storm [at Sidmouth], Dame
Partington, who lived upon the beach, was seen at the door of her
house with mop and pattens, trundling her mop, squeezing out the sea-water,
and vigorously pushing away the Atlantic Ocean. The Atlantic was roused;
Mrs. Partington's spirit was up. But I need not tell you that the
contest was unequal; the Atlantic Ocean beat Mrs. Partington.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Speech at Taunton, 1813
%%
In the midst of winter, there is in me an invincible summer.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
In them Nature's copy 's not eterne.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
In the morning, I do not want to eat gum drops and cheese noodles
 -- Madonna
%%
In the morning of the world,
When earth was nigher heaven than now.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Pippa Passes, Part iii
%%
In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes xi, 6
%%
In the morning, when thou art sluggish at rousing thee, let this thought
be present; "I am rising to a man's work."
 -- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121-180 AD)
 -- Meditations, v, 1
%%
In the most high and palmy state of Rome,
A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,
The graves stood tenantless, and the sheeted dead
Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
In the mountains the shortest way is from peak to peak: but for that one
must have long legs. Aphorisms should be peaks.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
In the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xi, 14; xxiv, 6
%%
In the music department of one of the universities there is a sign over
the FAX machine that reads as follows:
"If it ain't Baroque don't FAX it."
%%
In the Name of The Old Man, The Kid, and The Spook, Amen.
%%
In the name of the Prophet--figs.
 -- Horace Smith (1779-1849)
 -- Johnson's Ghost
%%
In the natural childbirth classes my wife and I took, the birthing process
 was represented by a hand puppet being pushed through a sock. So, at the
 actual birth, I was shocked to see all this blood. The thing I had prepared
 myself for was a lot of lint.
 -- Steve Scrovan
%%
In the nice bee what sense so subtly true Form pois'ness herbs extract
the healing dew?
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
In the night all cats are gray.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxiii
%%
In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of
the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of
trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for
technicalities.   He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no
doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on
him.
 -- Martin Terman
%%
In the NY subway, a commercial for an abortion clinic goes...
 Pregnant?  We can help!
to which someone had scribbled:
 Not pregnant? I can help!!
%%
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
%%
In the old days in Finland, all young men had to go through some rites
 of passage to show that they were REAL FINNISH MEN. The usual set
 consisted of three tests: 1) Empty a full bottle of vodka without pause,
 2) Go out in the forest to kill a bear with bare hands, and 3) rape a
 woman.

 When Pekka had reached the age of the rites of passage, he had no
 trouble at all with the vodka. He disappeared into the forest, and came
 back three days later, with clothes torn and blood dripping from several
 wounds. Then he said: "Now where's the woman I have to kill?"
%%
In the old days, we had wooden ships ruled by iron men.  Now we have
steel ships and blockheads running them.
 -- Capt. D. Seymour
%%
In the old days you didn't ask their sexual history, you'd just say, "Are
 you a mammal?" Now you take her home and you say, "Where do I set up the
 lab?"
 -- John Riggi
%%
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
a loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you
stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
enough to punch you.
 -- Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
%%
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When they fought the
Parisians,  the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
 -- The World According to Student Bloopers: Richard Lederer
%%
In the one hand he is carrying a stone, while he shows the bread in the other.
 -- Plautus (254-184 BC)
 -- Aulularia, Act ii, Sc. 2, 18, (195.)
%%
In the ordinary business of life, industry can do anything which genius
can do, and very many things which it cannot.
 -- Henry Ward Beecher
%%
In theory, everything works.
%%
In theory, theory is the same as reality. In reality it's not.
%%
In theory there is nothing to hinder our following what we are taught;
but in life there are many things to draw us aside.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xxvi
%%
In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and
often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows
which of those is the more annoying.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
In the past a sexy woman was one who lay on a sofa like an odalisque,
 smoking a cigarette.  Now she is an athletic woman.
%%
In the past, it was easy to be a Real Man. All you had to do was abuse
 women, steal land from Indians, and find some place to dump the toxic
 waste.
 -- Bruce Feirstein
%%
In the past we have tried too much to prevent the making of mistakes.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom
cares about.
 -- Hobbes (and Calvin)
%%
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they
describe.
 -- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%%
In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes xi, 3
%%
In the Plaza Hotel once, when I was doing the quiz show, there was a priest
 in the elevator. I hope you're not offended by this--I'd tell a story about
 a rabbi but it doesn't fit, and neither did the rabbi and they finally
 threw him out of the synagogue. Anyhow, this priest says to me, "Aren't you
 Groucho Marx?" I said yes. He says, "Gee, my mother's crazy about you." And
 I said, "Really? I didn't know you fellas had mothers." I had a priest stop
 me in Montreal some years ago. He came up and said, "Aren't you Groucho
 Marx? May I shake your hand?" I said fine. I shook hands with him and he
 said, "I want to thank you for all the joy you've put in this world." And I
 said, "I want to thank you for the joy you've taken out of it."
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
In the posteriors of this day, which the rude multitude call the afternoon.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
 or becomes true.
 -- John Lilly
%%
In the pursuit of distortion-free AUDIO!
%%
In the pursuit of happiness,
the difficulty lies in knowing when you have caught up.
 -- R.H. Grenville
%%
In the race for love, I was scratched.
%%
In the race for quality, there is no finish line.
 -- David T. Kearns
%%
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are
prepared.
 -- Louis Pasteur
%%
In the reign of Charles II. a certain worthy divine at Whitehall thus
addressed himself to the auditory at the conclusion of his sermon:
"In short, if you don't live up to the precepts of the Gospel, but
abandon yourselves to your irregular appetites, you must expect to
receive your reward in a certain place which 't is not good manners
to mention here."
 -- Tom Brown (1663-1704)
 -- Laconics
%%
In the republic of mediocrity, genius is dangerous.
%%
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd
 like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you
 were someone else."
%%
In the school Debating Society I was voted the boy least likely
  to complete a coherent...er...
Sentence?
 -- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
In these here parts, good guys wear blue.
%%
In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.
 -- Pliny the Elder
%%
In the South my grandmother used to tell me, "Hey, James Wesley, put down
 that wheelbarrow--you know you doesn't know anything about machinery."
 -- James Wesley Jackson
%%
In the space age we'll be able to go around the world in two
hours . . . one hour for flying and the other to get to the
airport.
%%
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the
Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such
wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
fact.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
In the spight of his teeth.
 -- John Skelton (c. 1460-1529)
 -- Colyn Cloute, Line 939
%%
In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual.
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
In the spring a livelier iris changes on the burnish'd dove;
In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Locksley Hall, Line 19
%%
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
%%
In the strictest sense, I did not win.
"Data..."
I busted him up.
 -- Data and Troi, "Peak Performance", stardate 42923.4
%%
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
  vegetarians.
 -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
%%
In the studio later we'll be showing you the latest thing in digital
 watches. When you press the button, a little finger comes out and points to
 the nearest person with the right time.
 -- Ronnie Barker
%%
In the summer I drink Guinness, which requires no refrigeration and no
 cooking--Guinness is a great day-shortener. If you get out of bed first
 thing and drink a glass, then the day doesn't begin until about
 twelve-thirty, when you come to again, which is nice. I try to live in a
 perpetual snooze.
 -- Quentin Crisp
%%
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis iii, 19
%%
In the tickling and the trembling of freeze tag.
%%
In the time of Pythagoras that proverbial phrase "Ipse dixit"
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Pythagoras, xxv
%%
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world
to drop out,
turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
 -- Art Linkletter
%%
In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a
 nice, solid piece of wood in your hands.
 -- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap
%%
In the town where I was born, lived a man who went to sea,
 and he told us of his life in the land of submarines.
%%
In The Trenches: Helmut Wearer
%%
In the trial of all criminal cases, the Jury shall be the
Judges of Law, as well as of fact, except that the Court may pass
upon the sufficiency of the evidence to sustain a conviction.
 -- Article XV, section 5, Constitution of Maryland.
%%
In the twinkling of an eye.
 -- New Testament
 -- 1 Corinthians xv, 52
%%
In the twinkling of an eye.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
In the United States, revolution is an abrupt change in the form of
 governmental mismanagement leading to accelerated taxation, decelerated
 reclaimation and much more paperwork.
%%
In the United States, there is a lot more space with a fewer people than
 there is less space with a lot more people. Its things like this that make
 America what it is. However, it won't always be the way it was, and it is a
 lot different now than it used to be.
%%
In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where
anybody is.  This is what makes America what it is.
 -- Gertrude Stein, The Geographical History of America. . .
%%
[In the U. S. Army] An officer does not take an oath of loyalty to the
 Commander-in-Chief.    He takes an oath of loyalty to the Constitution.
 -- Sam Donaldson
%%
"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
 "In the uttermost West I was Olorin,In the South I am Incanus,
  among the elves I am Mithrandir,in the North I am Gandalf.
   To the East,I go not"-rough Tolkien quote from Gandalf.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
In the vacant places, we will build with new bricks.
 -- T.S. Eliot
%%
In the vacuum of space, you can't play an accordian.
%%
In the vaunted works of Art, the master stroke is Nature's part.
 -- Emerson
%%
In the whole history of the world there's never been anybody just
    like Bert, and there'll never be another even if the world lasts
   a hundred million centuries.
 -- Prof. Clifford Jones, THE GREEN DEATH
%%
In the wilds:  It's so quiet up here you can hear a mouse get a hard-on.
%%
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
 skin.
%%
In the winter you lose your body; in the summer you lose your mind.
%%
In the words of the car dealers "they all do that".
%%
    In the world of human thought generally, and in physical
science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts
are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined
meaning.
 -- H.A. Kramers
%%
In the worlds before monkey, primal chaos reigned.   Heaven sought order, but
the Phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown.  The four lands formed
again and yet again, as endless eons wheeled and passed.  The wind, time and
water (??) all worked upon a certain rock, old as creation, and it became
magically fertile.  That first egg was called 'thought.'  Tagahata (??) Buddah,
the Father Buddah says, 'with our thoughts, we make the world.'  Elemental
forces caused the egg to hatch.  From it came a stone monkey.  The nature of
monkey was IRREPRESSIBLE!
%%
"In the world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting
 what one wants and the other is getting it."
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
In the worst inn's worst room, with mat half hung.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle iii, Line 299
%%
In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy
3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made
available to the Marines for the extra day.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XVI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
In the youth of a state arms do flourish; in the middle age of
a state, learning; and then both of them together for a time;
in the declining age of a state, mechanical arts and merchandise.
%%
In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know
how to be insane on proper occasions.
 -- H.W. Beecher
%%
In things that a man would not be seen in himself, it is a point of
cunning to borrow the name of the world; as to say, "The world says,"
or "There is a speech abroad."
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Cunning
%%
In this age of technology, it takes a lot of time to decide what to do with
 all of the time we have saved.
%%
In this best of all possible worlds, everything is in a hell of a mess.
 -- Brother Theodore
%%
In this business you either sink or swim or you don't.
 -- David Smith
%%
In this chapter, the present tense includes the past and future tenses,
and the future, the present; the masculine gender includes the feminine,
and the feminine, the masculine, and the singular includes the plural,
and the plural the singular.
 -- Code of Dept. of Consumer Affairs, CA
%%
In this country [England] it is well to kill from time to time an
admiral to encourage the others.
 -- Francis M. Voltaire (1694-1778)
 -- Candide, Chap. xxiii
%%
In this day and age women can have kids for other women through surrogate
 motherhood. Is this the ultimate favor or what? I think I'm a good friend.
 I'll help you move. Okay. But whatever comes out of me after nine months,
 I'm keeping. I don't care if it's a shoe.
 -- Sue Kolinsky
%%
In this fool's paradise he drank delight.
 -- George Crabbe (1754-1832)
 -- The Borough, Letter xii, Players
%%
In this fortune, the concluding three words 'were left out'.
%%
In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million
  Earth-type planets.  And in all of the universe, three million, million
  galaxies like this.  But in all of that, and perhaps more, only one
  of each of us.
 -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.9.
%%
In this kitchen I reign supreme,if you don't agree starve.
%%
In this world a man must be either anvil or hammer.
 -- Longfellow
%%
In this world filled with unfairness, it takes all the talent, intelligence
 and cunning your offspring can muster to accomplish what the kids just next
 door do regularly thorough sheer luck and some indifference.
%%
In this world it is not what we take up, but what we give up,
that makes us rich.
 -- Henry Ward Beecher
%%
In this world, it rains on the Just and the Unjust, but
the Unjust have the Just's umbrella
%%
In this world, my friend, there are two kinds of people: those with
    loaded guns and those who dig.  You dig.
 -- Clint Eastwood, from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
%%
In this world no one rules by love; if you are but amiable, you are
no hero; to be powerful, you must be strong, and to have dominion
you must have a genius for organizing.
 -- John Henry Cardinal Newman
%%
In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes and an occasional
salutary recession.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
In this world of sin and sorrow, there is always something to
be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
%%
In this world, you have to be oh so smart or oh so
pleasant. I spent years being smart. I recommend pleasant.
%%
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
my advice.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
In those days, pot was something you cooked in and coke was
something you drank and grass was something you mowed.. hardware
was a hammer, and software wasn't in the dictionary.
 -- Daniel L. Schorr, Senior analyst for NPR and 1939 grad of CUNY
 -- at a commencement speech at Brandeis University May 21, 1995
%%
In those holy fields
Over whose acres walked those blessed feet
Which fourteen hundred years ago were nail'd
For our advantage on the bitter cross.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
In those vernal seasons of the year, when the air is calm and pleasant,
it were an injury and sullenness against Nature not to go out and
see her riches, and partake in her rejoicing with heaven and earth.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Tractate of Education
%%
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.  It goes on.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their
 mutual destruction.
 -- Ambrose Bierce: "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
In time, and as one comes to benefit from experience, one learns that things
will turn out neither as well as one hoped nor as badly as one feared.
 -- Jerome S. Bruner
%%
In time, most jobs are filled by people incompetent to carry out their duties.
 -- Peter Principle, Corollary 1
%%
In time of prosperity friends will be plenty;
In time of adversity not one in twenty.
 -- James Howell, Proverbs
%%
In time of trouble, men of talent are called for, but in times of
ease the rich and those with powerful relatives are desired.
 -- Italo Bombolini
%%
In time of war the first casualty is truth.
 -- Boake Carter
%%
In times like these, it is helpful to remember
that there have always been times like these.
 -- Paul Harvey
%%
In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose one's head.
 -- Marie Antoinette
%%
"In times of trouble, go with what you know."
 -- Homer in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons
%%
Into a world unknown,--the corner-stone of a nation!
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Courtship of Miles Standish, iv
%%
Into each life some rain must fall,
  Some days must be dark and dreary.
 -- Henry W. Longfellow (1807-1882)
 -- The Rainy Day
%%
Into each life some rain must fall - usually on the weekends.
%%
Intolerance is a state no tolerant man can tolerate.
 -- McGinley
%%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%%
Intolerance of ambiguity is the mark of an authoritarian personality.
 -- Theodor W. Adorno
%%
Intolerant liberals wish to silence Rush Limbaugh.
%%
"Into the mud, Scum Queen!"
 -- The Man With Two Brains
%%
  Into the silent land!
Ah, who shall lead us thither?
 -- J. G. Von Salis (1762-1834)
 -- The Silent Land
%%
Into this wild abyss,
The womb of Nature and perhaps her grave.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Paradise Lost, Book ii, Line 910
%%
Into your heart it will creep.
%%
Intrapersonal.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle describing his relationship with Bush
                   on the campaign trail in Irvine, California.
                   (reported in the NY Times, 8/28/88)
%%
Intriguing. I did not know humans were so capable.
 -- Data
%%
Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20 percent
fewer letters!
%%
INTRODUCTION, n.  A social ceremony invented by the devil for the
gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.  The
introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century,
being, indeed, closely related to our political system.  Every
American being the equal of every other American, it follows that
everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the
right to introduce without request or permission.  The Declaration of
Independence should have read thus:

        "We hold these truths to be self-evident:  that all men are
    created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain
    inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to
    make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an
    incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the
    liberty to introduce persons to one another without first
    ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and
    the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of
    strangers."
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
INTROVERTS do it alone
%%
Intruder Alert! - 3 drinks!
%%
In truth, there never was any remarkable lawgiver amongst any
people who did not resort to divine authority, as otherwise his laws
would not have been accepted by the people; for there are many good
laws, the importance of which is known to be the sagacious lawgiver,
but the reasons for which are not sufficiently evident to enable him to
persuade others to submit to them; and therefore do wise men, for the
purpose of removing this difficulty, resort to divine authority.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
 -- Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
%%
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
%%
In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking.
 -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
In vain sedate reflections we would make
When half our knowledge we must snatch, not take.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Moral Essays, Epistle i, Line 39
%%
In vain we call old notions fudge,
  And bend our conscience to our dealing;
The Ten Commandments will not budge,
  And stealing will continue stealing.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Motto of the American Copyright League (written Nov. 20, 1885)
%%
INVALID COMMAND.COM, System Disobeying
%%
INVALID COMMAND.COM- USE 4DOS SYSTEM HALTED
%%
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
 what I considered to be an odd number.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
Invent a clever saying, and the world will remember your name forever.
 -- Anonymous
%%
Inventing is easy for staff outfits. Stating a problem is much harder. Instead
of stating problems, people like to pass out half-accurate statements together
with half-available solutions which they can't finish and which they want you
to finish.
 -- Amrom Katz
%%
Inventions reached their limit long ago,
 and I see no hope for further development.
 -- Julius Frontinus, 1st century A.D.
%%
Invention, strictly speaking, is little more than a new combination of
those images which have been previously gathered and deposited in the
memory; nothing can come of nothing.
 -- Joshua Reynolds
%%
Inventor, n.  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers, and springs, and believes it civilization.
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Inventors find a way to do it.
%%
 INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
Invertebrate Punster--Spinelessly unable to resist a
pun--So slug me!
%%
Invertebrates make no bones about it.
%%
Invest in America --- Buy Japan!
%%
Invest in inflation. It's the only thing going up.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac!
%%
Investment: Clinton spending YOUR money any way SHE wants.
%%
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
getting some useful work done.
 -- Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability
%%
Invest your money in taxes, They're bound to go up
%%
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeoning of chance;
My head is bloody but unbowed.
It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll;
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
 -- Henley
%%
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately,
 Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer,
 you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
 -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
In vino veritas.  In aqua sanitas.
[In wine, truth. In water, health.]
%%
In virtues nothing earthly could surpass her,
Save thine "incomparable oil," Macassar!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Don Juan, Canto i, Stanza 17
%%
Invisible hearing aids:  Person who can't hear, buys something they can't see!
%%
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
%%
Invisible taglines! $1.95 a piece!
%%
Invisible tagline -- send money for special glasses!
%%
Invite the man that loves thee to a feast, but let alone thine enemy.
 -- Hesiod (c. 700 BC)
 -- Works and Days, Line 342
%%
Involuntary Polymorph - subject to change without notice.
%%
In waking a tiger, use a long stick.
 -- Mao
%%
In war and life, either fight to win or don't fight.
%%
In war death is incidental.  Loss of time is criminal.
 -- George S. Patton
%%
In war, mistrust/paranoia are functional; at home, dysfunctional.
%%
In war, Resolution; in defeat, Defiance; in victory, Magnanimity
 -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
%%
In war there is no substitute for victory.
 -- General Douglas MacArthur
%%
       In war we're tough and able.
       Quite indefatigable
       Between our quests
       We sequin vests
       And impersonate Clark Gable
       It's a busy life in Camelot.
       I have to push the pram a lot.
 -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%%
In war, when a commander becomes so bereft of reason and perspective
that he fails to understand the dependence of arms on Divine guidance,
he no longer deserves victory.
 -- Gen. Douglas MacArthur
%%
In wealth one finds many friends whereas in poverty, even very few
 relations.
%%
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
 automatically disqualify you.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
In Western terms, love is like an extended software Q.A. suite.   True love
 is like a final acceptance test.  But one has to be willing to take bug
 fixes and work-arounds; otherwise, the software is never done.
 -- The Usenet Oracle
%%
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
%%
"In what he called the 'great tradition of warnings
 in presidential farewells,' Reagan reproached the
 movies, television and young parents for failing
 to indoctrinate American youth in 200-proof
 patriotism, the way they did in his day.  'If we
 forget what we did,' said the man who still can't
 remember trading arms for hostages, 'we won't know
 who we are.'  The section ended with this weird
 passage: 'And children, if your parents haven't
 been teaching you what it means to be an American,
 let 'em know and nail 'em on it.  That would be a
 very American thing to do.'"
 -- Hendrik Hertzberg
%%
In what other business could a guy tell a girl to get undressed--and send
 the bill to her husband?
 -- Jackie Mason
%%
In what other country than America can a person like me say to a person
 like you, "Why don't you get out of America?"
 -- Stanley Myron Handelmann
%%
In what year was the War of 1812 fought?
%%
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
%%
In which Pooh tells Christopher Robin to sod off
%%
In which room is the phrase 'Hello sailor' useful?
%%
In wildness is the preservation of the world.
 -- Henry David Thoreau, Walking(1862)
%%
In-window air conditioners don't actually cool the air. The noise takes
 your mind off the heat.
 -- Rick Ducommon
%%
In winter, when the dismal rain
  Comes down in slanting lines,
And Wind, that grand old harper, smote
  His thunder-harp of pines.
 -- Alexander Smith (1830-1867)
 -- A Life Drama, Sc. ii
%%
INW: INvalidate Warranty
%%
In words, as fashions, the same rule will hold,
Alike fantastic if too new or old:
Be not the first by whom the new are tried,
Nor yet the last to lay the old aside.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Essay on Criticism, Part ii, Line 133
%%
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
that it is curable.
 -- Advertising Rule
%%
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
%%
I nybble often, but rarely byte......
%%
In yet another effort to clean up New York City the mayor urged the City
 Council to pass legislation that would require alternate side of the street
 urinating.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
In yonder grave a Druid lies.
 -- William Collins (1720-1756)
 -- Death of Thomson
%%
In you can't measure output, then you can't measure input.
 -- Charles Schultz
%%
In your CONFIG.SYS file, make sure to SET BUGS=OFF
%%
In your EZ-Reader config.  Specify BUGS = OFF
%%
In your heart you know it's flat!
%%
"In your plan, `A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that
you would build eighty-eight thousand million billion houses
a year in the greater London area alone.  In fact, you built
only three in the last 15 years. Are you a bit disappointed with
this result?"
"No, no.  I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in two
ways.  Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly,
high-pitched whine."
 -- Monty Python
%%
In your thirst for knowledge, be sure not to drown in all the information.
 -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
%%
In your toughest final-- for the first time all year-- the most
distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
 -- Second Law of Final Exams
%%
In youth and beauty wisdom is but rare!
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book vii, Line 379
%%
In youth, if we are lucky, we learn. In age, if we are wise, we understand.
 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
%%
In zen skiing, you learn to become one with the snow.
%%
I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off.
 -- Graham Chapman
%%
I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
  constructive purpose.
 -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
%%
I/O Device:
Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.
 -- Computing Definition
%%
I/O error
%%
I/O ERROR (def.) Ignorant Operator Error
%%
 I offered to help.   You refused to take our money.  Then I said, 'I
guess you're really up shit creek.'
 -- The Blues Brothers
%%
I often daydream about my inability to fantasize.
%%
I often have long conversations all by myself,
and I am so clever that sometimes
I don't understand a single word I am saying.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
I often mistake my hands for food.
%%
I often quote myself.  It adds spice to my conversation.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
 I often say that when you can measure what you are
speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know
something about it; but when you cannot express it in
numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory
kind; it may be the beginning of knowledge, but you have
scarcely, in your thoughts, advanced to the stage of
Science ...
 -- Lord Kelvin
%%
I/O Hackers do it without interrupt.
%%
I/O Hackers have to condition their device first.
%%
IOI: Ignore Operator's Instruction.
%%
IO: Illogical Or
%%
I/O, I/O, Its off to the bus we go.
%%
I/O, I/O, so off to work I go!
%%
I once asked my father if things were bad for him during the Depression. He
 said the first six months were bad, then he got used to me.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things
 the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep.
 People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
 -- Margo Kaufman
%%
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I once did hold it, as our statists do,
A baseness to write fair.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class...
I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox machine.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I once had a dog who, like you, insisted on being cheerful in the morning. I
got rid of him by giving him to an immigrant Japanese family- and they ate him.
%%
I once had half a mind left, too! :)
%%
I once heard that Lewis's (department store) in Glasgow used to employ a
"scapegoat". If a customer complained about anything, the department's
manager would summon this guy and fire him on the spot.
%%
I once knew a hacker who ate too fast and choked to death.....
%%
I once knew a set of identical twins so identical
even they couldn't tell each other apart.
%%
"I once knew someone," said Bourdin, "who heard the clock
strike four one day, just as he was falling asleep, and he
counted like this: 'One, one, one, one.' Then, when he
realized how ridiculous that was, he said, 'The clock has
gone crazy: it struck one o'clock four times!' "
 -- R Balmes, quoted by Georges Ifrah, "From One to Zero"
%%
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
%%
I once taught a class which included a student named Georgina
Secsauer.  One day someone from the office popped in the door and
asked 'Is there a Secsauer in this class?'. One of the students
promptly responded 'Hell no!  We don't even get a coffee break!'
%%
I once thought I was dead, but I was just off-line.
%%
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at
 the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.  Two little
 kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See,
 that's how it's done."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I once tried to spread a rumor that I had an offer of $15,000 to leave radio
and fly out to the coast but when the story came back to me, it was $1200 to
go to Seattle.
 -- Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon Days
%%
I once tripped in a forest, and didn't make a sound.
%%
I once was as you are, but you will never be as I am.
%%
I once went for a job at one of the airlines. The interviewer asked me why
 I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her--it would be a great chance to
 meet men. I was honest about it! She looked at me and said, "But you can
 meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?"
 -- Martha Raye
%%
I only changed one line and it was a comment...
%%
I only counted 100 dalmatians...!!!
%%
I only designed your eyes. You must talk to Tyrell. He designed your mind.
 -- Blade Runner
%%
I only drink when I'm alone or with someone.
%%
I only had a couple beers.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
I only have to open my mouth and jolly thoughts pour out.
%%
I only know as much about myself as my mind can work out under its current
conditions.  And its current conditions are not good.
 -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I only know we loved in vain;
  I only feel--farewell! farewell!
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Farewell! if ever fondest Prayer
%%
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
 -- Mae West
%%
I only play with my computer on days that end in "Y."
%%
I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
 -- Nathan Hale, 22 September 1776.
%%
I Only See In Infrared.
%%
I only speak right on.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
I only started a BBS to save on the phone bill
%%
"I only took the regular course."
"What was that?" inquired Alice.
"Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with," the Mock Turtle replied; "and
then the different branches of Arithmetic -- Ambition, Distraction,
Uglification, and Derision."
"What else had you to learn?"
"Well, there was Mystery," the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects
on his flippers, -- "Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then
Drawling -- the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a
week: HE taught us Drawling, Stretching and Fainting in Coils. I never went to
the Classical master, though.  He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say."
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
%%
I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
%%
I only use YALE graphics.
%%
I only wish I may see your head stroked down with a slipper.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act v, Sc. 7, 4, (1028.)
%%
I only wish my mouth had a BACKSPACE key!
%%
I only wish that I were what I was when I wished that I would be what I am
 now.
%%
I only wrote the thing, I don't have to understand it!
%%
I, on the other hand, am a well-rounded human being, with a degree from
  the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and
  three old stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out
  Of Me.
 -- Edmund : Captain Cook
 -- Blackadder Goes Forth
%%
IOP: Insult OPerator
%%
I ordered chocolate, not vanilla, I screamed.
%%
IOR: Illogical OR
%%
IOS: Ignore Operating System
%%
Io, the greek goddess of input and output.
 -- D. E. Knuth
%%
IOT trap -- core dumped
%%
"I ought to be judged as a captain who set out from Spain to the Indies
to conquer many warlike peoples of very contrary creed and customs,
where by divine will, I have placed under the sovereignty of the King
and Queen, Our Lords, another world, by which Spain, which was once
called poor, is now the most rich."
 -- Christopher Columbus, Letter to Dona Juana de la Torre, 1500
%%
I overheard one of the secretaries in the office saying:

God I love it here...  Why do I work here!?
Because I'm too old for a paper route
Too young for social security
and too tired to have an affair...
%%
IOWA - Idiots Out Wandering Around
%%
Iow-a, Iow-a, it's off to space I go-a....
%%
I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to him.
 The whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it.  Walking
through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up.  He said,
"Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."  I said, "George,
here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the thief took a thousand dollars
out of his own money and he gave it to George.  At gunpoint he made
me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
%%
I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice,
 and then going away and doing the exact opposite.
 -- G. K. Chesterton
%%
I own a Feminazi Trading Card mint set.
%%
I own Seagates, want to make something of it?
%%
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
%%
I paid too much for it, but its worth it.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
I parked my hard disk - and got a ticket!
%%
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
%%
I parked my hard drive and it got towed away!
%%
I passed a car dealership. I looked in the window and I saw the most
 beautiful cars. And a fellow came out and said, "Come on in, they're bigger
 than ever and they last a lifetime!" He was talking about the payments.
 -- Corbett Monica
%%
I passed my ethics course.  I cheated, of course.
%%
I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has
  always to be out of step with his time.
 -- Orson Welles
%%
I perfectly feele even at my fingers end.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. vi
%%
I performed an exorcism today. It seems that a daemon crashed the computer...
%%
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking.  He called me a
 quitter.
 -- Steven Pearl
%%
 i Pi
 e    = -1
%%
IPI: Ignore Previous Instruction
%%
IP: Increment and Pray
%%
I pity the man who can travel from Dan to Beersheba and cry, "'T is
all barren!"
 -- Laurence Sterne (1713-1768)
 -- In the Street, Calais
%%
I plan on living forever.    So far, so good.
%%
I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.
%%
I plan to be more spontaneous.
%%
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
substances being in widespread use.   Back then, there were no
restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
nerve disease.
 -- Dave Barry, The Snake
%%
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
 -- Joe E. Lewis
%%
I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car
going really fast, and stick it out the window.  I put a new engine
in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500
miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I plead not guilty by reason of computer-induced insanity.
%%
I plead temporary insanity. ;-)
%%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
%%
IPL: Invent Program Lines
%%
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.
 They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
IPM: Ignore Programmer's Mistakes
%%
IPOP: Interrupt Processor, Order Pizza
%%
I posted my joke.
%%
I post.......... I am
%%
I practic Ancient Art of .45 AUTO
%%
I practice birth control, which is being around my sister's children. You
 want to run right out and ovulate after you play with them for five
 minutes.
 -- Brett Butler
%%
I practice moderation to excess.
%%
I practice parallel monogamy
%%
I practice safe eating...I use condiments.
%%
I praise the Frenchman,
How sweet, how passing sweet, is solitude!
But grant me still a friend in my retreat,
Whom I may whisper, Solitude is sweet.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Retirement, Line 739
%%
I pray for boredom but it never comes.
%%
I pray thee let me and my fellow have
A haire of the dog that bit us last night.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. xi
%%
I pray to St. Francis of ANSI C.
%%
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
%%
I prefer CITY-TV to Country Radio.
%%
I prefer honest arrogance to hypocritical humility.
 -- approximately quoted from Frank Lloyd Wright,
 -- who had just declared himself the world's greatest living architect.
%%
I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require
so much cooking.
 -- Carrie Snow
%%
I prefer 'Indiana', We named the DOG Indiana!
%%
I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two
 out of three in a pinch.
%%
I prefer not to call it speeding but spirited driving.
%%
I prefer old age to the alternative.
 -- Maurice Chevalier
%%
I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest.
 -- Alexandre Dumas (fils)
%%
I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God.
 -- Sean Doran the Younger
%%
I prefer the company of equals.
 -- Riker
%%
I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated
sufficiently to reason incorrectly.
 -- Montaigne
%%
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
 -- Cicero
%%
I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the
ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.
 -- Frederick Douglass
%%
I prefer tongue-tied knowledge to ignorant loquacity.
 -- Cicero
%%
I prefer to read US.  PEOPLE is too intellectual.
 -- Robin Leach
%%
I prefer to remain anomalous.
%%
I prefer to stay where I am, thank you.
%%
I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions.
%%
I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.
 -- John Huston
%%
I presume you've come to see my mistress, Mr. Danger.

I don't care about your love life, or what his name is.
 I came to see Nancy--- uh, Mrs. Haber.
%%
I Print on Steel with an Industrial Laser.
%%
...I probably shouldn't point at the word 'reptiles' when I say
 'businessmen.'
 -- Rajeev Pandey
%%
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
 -- William F. Buckley
%%
I program, therefore I am.
%%
I PROMISE - I won't upload in your mouth!
%%
I promise results, not promises.
%%
[I promise to] mount a comprehensive effort to reduce the cost of
health care in America.
 -- George Bush, campaigning in 1988.  In February 1990 he said:
The best prescription for better health
in America is a strong, daily dose of personal responsibility.
%%
I propose to fight it out on this line, if it takes all summer.
 -- Ulysses S. Grant (1822-1885)
 -- Despatch to Washington, Before Spottsylvania Court House, May 11, 1864
%%
IPS: Incinerate Power Supply
%%
IPS: Increment Power Supply
%%
IPS     Increment Processor Status
%%
IPT: Ignite Paper Tape
%%
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and
 headed for the embankment.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I pulled into this town called Weedpatch. I check into the Weedpatch Hotel,
 they give me a Key magazine with all the events going on in town, I open it
 up--there's a picture of me checking into the Weedpatch Hotel.
 -- Monica Piper
%%
I pulled the finger...and she sank...
%%
I pull in resolution, and begin
To doubt the equivocation of the fiend
That lies like truth: "Fear not, till Birnam wood
Do come to Dunsinane."
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act v, Sc. 5
%%
I push the TURBO button on my PC REAL hard whenever I'm in a hurry.
%%
I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
 about GUN CONTROL legislation..
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I put BUGS=OFF in config.sys, Windows won't Load!
%%
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
 them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I put it to you all. I think we shall end up with a fine crew. if we
  avoid temptation
 -- Picard, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
I put one in each eye and two up each nostril.
 -- Agent Cooper
%%
I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.
%%
...[I] put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., High Flight
%%
I put stupid and offensive quotes up, just for you!
%%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis
socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If they think
you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude. I'm a
very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. These days,
though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to
crudeness.
 -- Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson
%%
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
 -- Neil Armstrong
%%
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
%%
I [] QEdit!
%%
IQ Error: Brain Not Ready (A)bort (R)etry (F)orget it..
%%
IQ not found: (R)eboot, (A)bort, (Q)uit reading mail
%%
I qualified for Raw Bits!
%%
I question whether we can afford to teach mother macrame when Johnny
still can't read.
 -- Governor Jerry Brown
%%
I quit drinking and smoking once.  Very boring 15 minutes.
%%
   I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'
 -- Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland
%%
I quit smoking and it was a very, very disappointing experience. I found
 out my teeth are really brown.
 -- Bill Dana
%%
IRAF: Image Reduction and Analysis Facility
%%
I ran Dblspace on my monitor and now it's 28 inches!
%%
I ran into Billy Idol at a soiree this morning.
%%
Iran is an island of stability in one of the most volatile parts of
 the world.
%%
I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
 -- Emo Phillips
%%
Iran under the Ayatollah is an example of a country run by its Moral Majority.
%%
Iraq destroyed 1000's of US missiles with their tanks! :>
%%
Iraqi Bingo: B-52... F-16... M-1... F-18... F-117... BINGO!
%%
Iraqnophobia - Don't worry
%%
Iraq-nophobia...Never!
%%
Iraq shot down 38 Patriot Missiles with their Scuds! :>
%%
Iraq's national Bird:  DUCK!
%%
IRAQ: Went in, kicked ass, then got the hell out!
%%
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
%%
I rather lose my CARRIER than my mind!
%%
I rather pride myself on knowing when to stand on my
dignity and when to sit on it.
%%
IRBI: Insert Random Bits Indexed
%%
IRB: Invert Record and Branch
%%
  IRCA - Incredulous Ripped-off Consumer Association
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
IRC: Insert Random Commands
%%
:IRC: /I-R-C/ [Internet Relay Chat] n. A worldwide "party
   line" network that allows one to converse with others in real
   time.  IRC is structured as a network of Internet servers, each of
   which accepts connections from client programs, one per user.  The
   IRC community and the {USENET} and {MUD} communities overlap
   to some extent, including both hackers and regular folks who have
   discovered the wonders of computer networks.  Some USENET jargon
   has been adopted on IRC, as have some conventions such as
   {emoticon}s.  There is also a vigorous native jargon,
   represented in this lexicon by entries marked `[IRC]'.  See also
   {talk mode}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
"I reached up to touch the thing, and a bolt flew from my fingers......
I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!"
%%
I read all messages in the TEEN echo.
 -- FIDO lie  #I
%%
I read an article in a magazine: women 49 years old having their first
 child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden
 years. What's the advantage of having a kid at 49? So you can both be in
 diapers at the same time?
 -- Sue Kolinsky
%%
I read banned books and messages.
%%
I read in Cosmo that women like to have whipped cream sprayed over their
 breasts. Unfortunately, my girlfriend has silicone implants. So I use
 non-dairy topping.
 -- Jeff Shaw
%%
I read in the paper yesterday that a guy killed his wife after twenty years
 of marriage. I thought: Too bad. It was probably the first decision he'd
 made since the wedding.
 -- John Wing
%%
I read it on USENET so it must be true.
%%
I read my horoscope. The first line said, "Ignore bad advice." Fine. I
 stopped reading my horoscope.
 -- Dan Spencer
%%
I read part of it all the way through.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
I read the book of Job last night - I don't think God comes out well in it.
 -- Virginia Woolf
%%
I read the docs, but my brain got full. ;)
%%
I read the DOC's...is this English?
%%
I read the DSZ docs but now I'm more confused.
%%
I read the FM, and it didn't work
%%
I read the news today, Oh boy...
 -- John Lennon
%%
I read this article, it said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
 much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
 kidding? This is my idea of a great day!
 -- Monica Piper
%%
I read this in a very interesting article the other day:
"Today we commerate the death of the great Bon Scott who this day
(however many years ago) drowned in a pool of his own vomit."

Boy, Bon must really have been weird. Do you know how difficult it would
be to fill a pool with vomit?

This goes out to all of you eating pea soup. Cheers.

 -- John Holden
%%
I Read You Like A Book: Claire Voyant
%%
I realized this morning why Reagan and Bush were such a good combination.
We called Reagan the Teflon President.  Given the way Bush continually
changes his mind on the issues based on current political pressures,
he must be the Waffle President.
%%
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
  circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
  nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
  logically needs to be done.
 -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2812.7.
%%
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I
 generalize, I don't care.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
I realize that I've made some very poor decisions recently, Dave, but I still
 have the utmost confidence in the mission.
 -- HAL 9000
%%
I realize that patriotism is not enough.  I must have no hatred or
bitterness towards anyone.
 -- Edith Cavell, before her execution by the Germans, 12 October 1915.
%%
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that
the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
write about, such as nose-picking.
 -- Dave Barry, At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
          Political Fallout
%%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
 -- Dave Barry, Sports is a Drag
%%
I really believe there are things nobody would see if I didn't photograph them.
 -- Diane Arbus
%%
I really can't come to your party Mrs. Parker, I can't bear fools.

That's strange; your mother could.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
I really don't care if I win or lose, but why don't I ever win?
%%
I really don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
either.
 -- Jack Benny (1894-1974), upon receiving an award
%%
I really don't think that these cookies are random.
%%
I REALLY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
%%
I really hate this darn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want,
Only what I tell it.
 -- The Programmers Lament
%%
I REALLY like Bugs Bunny.  I think I just found out why.  A local weekly
(Metro) had an article on the wascally wabbit's 50th birthday party this
year, and they had the following quote about the animation studio where Bugs
Bunny cartoons were created...

"It's not every workplace that allows you to have an autographed picture of
Christ on the wall."
 -- Scott Lieberman
%%
I really must learn not to argue with Bob Morgan..!
%%
I really wish my bust was smaller.
%%
I really would not be so bothered by people who speak out what they think,
 if before they spoke out, they actually did think. This is one of the main
 problems with a democracy. Everyone has a chance and an opportunity to
 speak up and say what is on their mind. Often times, precious little and
 even more often absolutely nothing, and the less there is of thought, the
 more lengthy the unloading. It is the pain of the democratic process!
 Thoughtlessness and wordlessness are seldom found in the same person. There
 isn't enough wordlessness in this world to go around and fill the need for
 it!
%%
"I recall my exact words: `There's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there,
 youngster,' I said, smiling paternally the while. `Get sucking.'"
 -- Alan Moore, V FOR VENDETTA
%%
I received a phone bill from Bell Canada for DOS calls!
%%
I recently came across an interesting statistic:

 Men who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 71 percent
 Women who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 100%
%%
"I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
wall that didn't do anything.  So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down.  Then one day
I got a letter from a woman in Germany.  It just said, 'Cut it out.'"
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I recently saw this among other graffiti in my neighborhood laundromat:
 "Better to have loved and lost than to do thirty pounds of wash each week."
 -- Hal Linden
%%
I recognize that a class of criminals and juvenile delinquents has
taken to calling themselves 'hackers', but I consider them irrelevant
to the true meaning of the word; just as the Mafia calls themselves
'businessmen' but nobody pays that fact any attention.
 -- Bob Bickford, [e-mail], 1990
%%
I recommend having no relationships except those easily borne and disposed
 of; I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a
 pleasantly scant minimum.
 -- Quentin Crisp
%%
I refuse to accept the view ... that the bright daybreak of peace and
brotherhood can never become a reality.
 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
%%
I refuse to be intimidated by reality anymore.
%%
I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly.
 Tuna-fish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock.
 -- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
%%
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
%%
I refuse to pollute my system with Windoze!
%%
I refuse to support President Clinton and her husband's economic plan.
%%
I refuse to support President Clinton and her husband's health plan.
%%
I refuse to wear a 'power suit' unless it's powered armor!
%%
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
 -- J. Edgar Hoover
%%
IRE: Insert Random Errors
%%
I reject get-it-done, make-it-happen thinking.
I want to slow things down so I understand them better.
 -- Jerry Brown, former California governor
%%
I reject that philosophy. The impossible often has a kind of
 integrity which the merely improbable lacks.
 -- Douglas Adams through Dirk Gently
%%
I ... reject the argument put forth by many fundamentalists that science has
 nothing to do with religion because God is not among the things making up the
 universe in which we live.   Surely if a necessity for a god-concept in the
 universe ever turns up, that necessity will become evident to the scientist.
 -- physicist Ralph Alpher, Theology of the Big Bang, Religious Humanism,
       Vol. XVII, No. 1 (Winter 1983), pg. 12
%%
Ireland is the mother sow that eats her farrow.
 -- James Joyce, A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man
%%
I remember a lot of things before I was even born. I remember going to a
 picnic with my father and coming home with my mother.
 -- Foster Brooks
%%
I remember being upset once and telling my dad I wasn't following through
 right, and he replied, "Nancy, it doesn't make any difference to a ball
 what you do after you hit it."
 -- Nancy Lopez
%%
I remember going into McDonald's when they had some promotional giveaway,
 and their sign read: "Offer available to McDonald's customers only." Now
 there's an exclusive group! I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd
 like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries
 with that?" They're highly intelligent ...
 -- Jay Leno
%%
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy
boat I had.  It was almost as good as the first one, except now it
had bumpy whittle marks all over it.  And no paint, because he had
whittled off the paint.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I remember, I remember
  How my childhood fleeted by,--
The mirth of its December
  And the warmth of its July.
 -- W. M. Praed (1802-1839)
 -- I remember, I remember
%%
I remember, I remember
The fir-trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky;
It was a childish ignorance,
But now 't is little joy
To know I 'm farther off from heaven
Than when I was a boy.
 -- Thomas Hood (1798-1845)
 -- I remember, I remember
%%
I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody
  Knife. A man was found next to the murdered body. He had the knife
  in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim,
  and when the police arrived, he said, "I'm glad I killed the
  bastard". Massingbird not only got him off, he got him knighted
  in the New Years Honours list, and the relatives of the deceased
  had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.
 -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
I remember me... I think.
%%
I remember now / I remember how it started.
%%
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.  He sort
 of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go
 out to the horse pasture and I'll show you."  So we did, and there on the
 ground were my parents having sex.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I remember that a wise friend of mine did usually say, "That which
is everybody's business is nobody's business."
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. ii
%%
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside.  I knew
what was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I said.  "I'm off the
team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the
team.  You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels,
and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and
then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or
you try to tackle people at inappropriate times."  It was all true
what he was saying.  And yet, I thought something is brewing inside
the head of this Coach.  He sees something in me, some kind of raw
talent that he can mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go
on.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I remember the first time I picked up my girlfriend at her parents' place.
 Her father said to me, "Make sure you have my daughter home by midnight." I
 said, "Don't worry, if it looks like I'm not getting anywhere, I'll have
 her home by ten."
 -- Stevie Ray Fromstein
%%
I remember the words. I don't understand.
%%
I remember those happy days and often wish I could speak into the ears of the
dead the gratitude which was due to them in life and so ill-returned.
 -- Gwyn Thomas
%%
I remember when "Bobbitt" was a race in the Ultima games (sigh)
%%
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and
 my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
 -- George Carlin
%%
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the
 world.  He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have
 the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine.
 Hey, wait.  I wasn't in the army.  Then who WAS that guy?!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I remember when people used to step outside a moment for a breath of fresh
 air. Now sometimes you have to step outside for days before you get it.
 -- Victor Borge
%%
I remember when Sex was safe and Rugby was dangerous...
%%
I remind you that humans are only a tiny minority in this galaxy.
 -- Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
%%
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
 back.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I rented a pickup truck. It didn't work: I didn't get any girls.
%%
IrepeatmyselfwhenunderstressIrepeatmyselfwhenunderstressI
%%
I repeat... that all power is a trust; that we are accountable for
its exercise; that from the people and for the people all springs,
and all must exist.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Vivian Grey, Book vi, Chap. vii
%%
I represent a sardine!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I represent no one.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I resent 'experts' who have never faced deadly threat, yet who tell me -
and you - that we should not consider a response of equal power against
those who would threaten our lives.
 -- Massad Ayoob, 'The Truth About Self Protection'
%%
I reserve my abuse for lower life forms, like Civil Servants.
%%
I reserve the right to be totally wrong!
%%
I resolved no to be offended easily by human nature, but I think I blew it.
 -- Hobbes
%%
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
 -- Wilson Mizner
%%
I respectfully suggest you go across the bridge instead of jumping.
%%
I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wishes.  The greater
part of all mischief in the world arises from the fact that men do
not sufficiently understand their own aims.  They have undertaken
to build a tower, and spend no more labor on the foundation than would
be necessary to erect a hut.
 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
I respect you, just not very much is all
 -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox
%%
I respect your right to make an idiot of yourself.
 Please respect mine.
%%
IRI: Ignore Rude Interrupts
%%
Irish cocktail : a pint of Guiness with a potato in it.
%%
Irish Dentistry: Perry O'Dontal
%%
Irish First Aid: R.U. O'Kaye
%%
"Irish Flooring Practices" by Lynn O'Leum
%%
Irish plumbers have volunteered to fix Niagara Falls.
%%
Irish seven-course dinner : a boiled potato and a six-pack.
%%
I risk my life to live it well.
 -- William Perky
%%
:Iron Age: n. In the history of computing, 1961--1971 --- the
   formative era of commercial {mainframe} technology, when
   ferrite-core {dinosaur}s ruled the earth.  The Iron Age began,
   ironically enough, with the delivery of the first minicomputer (the
   PDP-1) and ended with the introduction of the first commercial
   microprocessor (the Intel 4004) in 1971.  See also {Stone Age};
   compare {elder days}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:iron box: [UNIX/Internet] n. A special environment set up to trap
   a {cracker} logging in over remote connections long enough to be
   traced.  May include a modified {shell} restricting the cracker's
   movements in unobvious ways, and `bait' files designed to keep
   him interested and logged on.  See also {back door},
   {firewall machine}, {Venus flytrap}, and Clifford Stoll's
   account in "{The Cuckoo's Egg}" of how he made and used
   one (see the Bibliography in appendix C).  Compare {padded
   cell}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.
%%
:ironmonger: [IBM] n. A hardware specialist (derogatory).  Compare
   {sandbender}, {polygon pusher}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
:iron: n. Hardware, especially older and larger hardware of
   {mainframe} class with big metal cabinets housing relatively
   low-density electronics (but the term is also used of modern
   supercomputers).  Often in the phrase {big iron}.  Oppose
   {silicon}.  See also {dinosaur}.
 -- The AI Hackers Dictionary
%%
Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation and in cold
weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind.
 -- Leonardo da Vinci
%%
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxvii, 17
%%
Iron sharpens iron; scholar, the scholar.
%%
Iron sleet of arrowy shower
Hurtles in the darken'd air.
 -- Thomas Gray (1716-1771)
 -- The Fatal Sisters, Line 3
%%
Irony: Giving father a billfold for Christmas.
%%
Irony is the hygiene of the mind.
%%
Irony: Limbaugh saying that dittoheads think for themselves.
%%
Irony: Millie Vanilli on a Karaoke machine.
%%
IRPF: Infinite Recursive Page Fault
%%
Irrational concept!
 -- C Error #007
%%
Irrationality is the square root of all evil
 -- Douglas Hofstadter
%%
Irregular verbs are on sale in the bargain basement.
%%
IRRELIGION, n.  The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Irresponsible Rip-Off Service.
%%
Irresponsiblity isn't a sickness--it's an art.
 -- Remmington Steele
%%
Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its one sure defense.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), Notebook, 1888
%%
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is
ancient.  It's called rain.
 -- Michael McClary
%%
Irritate Rush Limbaugh... prove him wrong.
%%
IRS does it everywhere.
%%
IRS does it to everyone.
%%
IRS: How much did you make last year? Please remit same.
%%
IRS HUMOR EXAMPLE A:
    A lawyer, a doctor and a priest were marooned on a desert island.
So we confiscated their homes.
IRS HUMOR EXAMPLE B:
    What do you get when you cross Zsa Zsa Gabor with a kanagaroo? I
don't know, but let's confiscate its home.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
IRS: Income Reduction Service
%%
IRS: Please be seated; read your rights while we audit your return.
%%
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
%%
I run My Slow Darned Old System, ver. 6.
%%
Is 2 + 2 = 4 really true?

 Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks
 after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he
 ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a
 challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition,
 Leonardo conservatively stated, "2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4" Even this
 cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo
 the nickname "Blockhead." By the way, his practice of underestimating the
 number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations
 had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if
 ever there was one.
%%
Isaac Newton didn't discover gravity. What he did discover is heavier than
 air apples.
%%
Is a bad divorce redundant?
%%
Is a bean spread a kind of bean dip?
%%
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
%%
Is acid rain really a form of hippy manna?
%%
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
%%
Is :-< a C++ operator or what?
%%
Is a female lawyer without her briefs, a solicitor?
%%
Is a fruit cobbler a gay shoemaker?
%%
Is a Hard Drive a transcontinental auto trip?
%%
I said, an elder soldier, not a better:
Did I say "better"?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Julius Caesar
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
I said, beam me up dog breath!  There is no life on this planet!
%%
I said copy the disk - not Xerox it!
%%
I said, "Doctor, it hurts when I do that." (Moves arm)
 He said, "Don't do it then."
%%
I said "fool-proof, NOT stupid-proof"
%%
I said good-bye. I left a note, but I don't remember what I wrote.
 -- Lemmy Kilmister
%%
I said hit HIM with the fireball, not me!  Damn wizards...
%%
I said how, and why, young children, were sooner allured by love,
than driven by beating, to attain good learning.
 -- ROGER ASCHAM (1515-1568) in The Schoolmaster (1570), preface
%%
I SAID I LOVE ALL MANKIND *DAMMIT*!!
 -- A deity from CEREBUS
%%
   I said I'm two and a half billion years old because when I was
young the earth was two billion years old and now it is four and a half
billion years old so I must be two and a half billion years old.
 -- Paul Erdos
%%
I said in my haste, All men are liars.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Psalm cxvi, 11
%%
I said it. I must've meant it.
There is nobody else to blame.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
I said it was our only chance -- I did not say it was a good one. .
%%
I said, I've broken my arm in several places.
 He said, Don't go to those places.
 -- [Possibly Henry Youngman?]
%%
I said to my old husband, "I'm gonna take you out into the country for a
 picnic. Do you like the country?" He said, "Sure I do. When I was a little
 boy, I used to live in the country." I said, "When you was a little boy
 everybody lived in the country."
 -- Moms Mabley
%%
Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian?
%%
Is a Large group of homosexuals called a gay pride?
%%
Is Al Gore really Al Gore or just his evil twin Skippy?
%%
Is Al Gore still recognized at cockfights?
%%
I salivate at the sight of mittens.
%%
Is Al the hologram really Al Bundy in disguise?
%%
Is a mirage real?  Well, it's a real mirage.
 -- Edward Abbey
%%
Is an atheist church a non-prophet organization?
%%
Is a Naval Aide really a Belly-button Assistant?
%%
Is a Navy proctologist called a Rear Admiral?
%%
Is an idiotic sergeant a noncompoop?
%%
Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'
 -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991
%%
Is a paradigm worth twenty cents?
%%
Is a party thrown by homosexuals called a gay bash?
%%
Is a person who gets drunk on pasta a spaghetti souse?
%%
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
 Or are we suffering in Safeway?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I sat through it.   Why shouldn't you?
 -- David Letterman, it a spot promoting one of his shows
%%
I saved the life of the virgin sacrifice by disqualifying her.
%%
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a bird outside and I said "do you want
 some breakfast? I'm having eggs... Oh, sorry."
%%
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Stephen, why haven't
 you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
 five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
 my calendar has no sevens on it."
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a commercial the other day for cat food. It said, "All natural food
 for your cat." All natural food. But cat food is made out of horsemeat.
 That's how it works in nature--the cat right above the horse on the food
 chain ... Matter of fact, every time my kitty feels a little cooped up in
 his environment I take him down to the racetrack, let him stalk some prey.
 -- Norm McDonald
%%
I saw a flie within a beade
  Of amber cleanly buried.
 -- Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
 -- The Amber Bead
%%
I saw a lot of trees today; and they were made of wood.
%%
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw and loved.
 -- Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)
 -- Memoirs, Vol. i, p. 106
%%
I saw a product in the market--Mr. Salty Pretzels. Isn't that nerve?
 Everything nowadays is low-salt or salt-free. Here's a guy--the hell with
 you--Mr. Salty Pretzels ... like Mr. Tar-and-Nicotine Cigarettes, Mr.
 Gristle-and-Hard-Artery Beefsteak ...
 -- Bill Maher
%%
Is a warm beer *really* better than no beer at all?
%%
I saw a sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off of the hood of my car.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "help wanted".  There was another sign
 below it that said "self service".  So I hired myself.  Then I made myself the
 boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I paid myself.  Then I quit.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some people must be
 really tired.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She said, "It's
 free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a smith stand with his hammer, thus,
The whilst his iron did on the anvil cool,
With open mouth swallowing a tailor's news.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King John
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Is a WATCH OUT FOR CHILDREN sign a birth control ad?
%%
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat.
 So I looked closer. it was made of grass.
%%
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I
 said "I'll need some friends." I forgot and left the lighthouse on all
 night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's; his hair was perfect.
%%
I Saw better conversations in alphabet soup.
%%
I Saw Elvis, and all I got was this lousy jelly doughnut.
%%
I saw Elvis at the post office.  Bought his picture for 29 cents.
%%
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
%%
    I saw Eternity the other night, / Like a great ring of
pure and endless light, / All calm, as it was bright; / And
round beneath it, / Time in hours, days, years, / Driv'n by
the spheres / Like a vast shadow mov'd; in which the world /
And all her train were hurl'd.
 -- Henry Vaughan
 -- The World
%%
I saw him now going the way of all flesh.
 -- John Webster (c. 1580-1625)
 -- Westward Hoe, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Is a white person from Africa an African-American?
%%
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
%%
I saw it on the radio.
%%
I saw Jimmy Hoffa. He sat between Elvis and me on the UFO.
%%
"I saw "Lassie". It took me four shows to figure
 out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he
 could roll over and all that, but did that deserve
 a series?"
 -- The awful movie EXPLORERS -- the stand-up alien
%%
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
%%
I saw Othello's visage in his mind.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
I saw that punch coming, so I blocked it with my chin!
%%
I saw The Exorcist three times.  I don't know what possessed me.
%%
I saw the forest where they get wood for
 pannelling. It was a long thin forest.
%%
I saw the light!  It hurt my eyes.
%%
I saw them go: one horse was blind,
The tails of both hung down behind,
  Their shoes were on their feet.
 -- James Smith (1775-1839)
 -- Rejected Addresses, The Baby's Debut
%%
I saw the play at a disadvantage. The curtain was up.
 -- George S. Kaufman
%%
I saw this old woman digging for food through a garbage can. I don't know
 about you folks. I have a lot of love for old women going through garbage
 cans. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
 -- Emo Philips
%%
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
%%
I saw you making a date with Destiny; yeah, he came around asking after
 you.
 -- Mark Knopfler
%%
I saw young Harry, with his beaver on,
His cuisses on his thighs, gallantly arm'd,
Rise from the ground like feather'd Mercury,
And vaulted with such ease into his seat
As if an angel dropp'd down from the clouds,
To turn and wind a fiery Pegasus
And witch the world with noble horsemanship.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry IV
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
%%
I say fight, sir. There's nothing shameful in falling to a superior enemy.
And nothing shameful in a strategic retreat either.
 -- Worf and Picard, "The Last Outpost", stardate 41386.4
%%
I say put all available power into a full-out combined phaser and photon
  torpedo salvo. Destroy their ability to sustain this forcefield, sir.
Yes! Hit them HARD and hit them FAST.
 -- Yar and Worf, "The Last Outpost", stardate 41386.4
%%
I say, put Schroedinger in the box and see how HE likes it.
%%
I Say So!: Frank O. Pinion
%%
I say stay away from the miserable people, because misery does love
 company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying,
 "Go around! Go around!"
 -- Margaret Smith
%%
I say we dust off and nuke the site from orbit - it's the only way
to be sure. Now, Ripley this installation has a substantial dollar
value attached to it..      -- They can bill me.
 -- Ripley in Aliens
%%
I say we ride down to Danny's and steal his tagline file.
%%
I say we start busing gays into predominately straight communities.
%%
I say with Didacus Stella, a dwarf standing on the shoulders of a
giant may see farther than a giant himself.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Democritus to the Reader
%%
Is Barney the Missing Link, or is he missing a link?
%%
Is base in kind, and born to be a slave.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Table Talk, Line 28
%%
Is beer like Champagne?
%%
Is big brother watching?  What do you think?
%%
Is Bill Clinton really Bill Clinton or just his evil twin Skippy?
%%
Is Bill Clinton still recognized at cockfights?
%%
ISC: Ignore Supervisor Calls
%%
ISC: Ignore System Crash
%%
ISC: Insert Sarcastic Comments
%%
Is Clinton lying? Is the Pope Catholic?
%%
Is Clinton the brother Mr. Spock never talks about?
%%
I scooped the Sysop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
%%
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.  "That
was fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
 "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."  "We have
time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did.  We
argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally
decided to head back.  I didn't say it was an interesting story.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Is Darth Vader YOUR father, too?
%%
Is death legally binding?
%%
"Is Death that woman's mate?
 /Her/ lips were red, /her/ looks were free,
 Her locks were yellow as gold:
 Her skin was white as leprosy,
 The Night-Mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,
 Who thicks man's blood with cold."
 -- The Ancient Mariner, Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
Is demum miser est, cuius nobilitas miserias nobilitat.
(Indeed, wretched the man whose fame makes his misfortunes famous.)
 -- Accius (Lucius Accius), Telephus
%%
ISDN: I Smell Dollars Now!! (It Still Doesn't Network!)
%%
I searched into myself.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
Is eating cheese in bed with two women considered a fromage a' trois?
%%
I see a divine hand in this AIDS thing.
 -- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, Planned
       Parenthood and Sex Clinics, Fundraising Audiotape Mailout for Dr. James
     C. Dobson's Focus on the Family, winter '87, as quoted in The Far
       Right, Speaking For Themselves, a Planned Parenthood pamphlet
%%
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
%%
I see an article in the paper that says 25 percent of all men propose to
 their wives in an automobile. That's like I say--more accidents happen in a
 car than any other way.
 -- The Duke of Paducah (Whitey Ford)
%%
I see.... and UNIX is an operating system, is it?
%%
I see another red eyed morning coming.
%%
I see a red door and I want to paint it black.
%%
I see before me the gladiator lie.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 140
%%
I see before me the statue of a celebrated minister,
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, Nov. 9, 1867
%%
 I see Dave Cutler, the man who created VMS, every time I go to Seattle.  He
is working on Microsoft NT, which I think is going to be very far-reaching.
It's going to grab the rug out from under Unix.
 -- Gordon Bell
%%
I see David Koresh finally quit smoking!
%%
I see from your coat, my friend, you're from the other side. There's
    just one thing I'd like to know:  Who won?
 -- David Crosby
%%
I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day,
but no change at all ivry fifty years.
 -- Finley Peter Dunne
%%
I see how their eyes are gathered into one.
%%
I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me...and causes
me to tremble for the safety of my country....Corporations have been enthroned
...an era of corruption in high places will follow...and the money power of
the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working on the prejudices
of the people...until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands...and the
republic is destroyed.
 -- Abe Lincoln
%%
I seek information about the Wise Woman.
...The Wise Woman!...The Wise Woman!...
...Yes, the Wise Woman.
 -- Edmund and crone : Bells
%%
I seek not the answers or questions,but the quickest way to slamabeer.
%%
I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity
when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such
blasphemous nonsense!
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), The Devil's Disciple
%%
"I see more than you do, child.  I see an end to Hell.  What do YOU see?"
  "I see someone in a lot of pain."
 -- Dekko and Jenny from ZOT!
%%
I seem to be having tremendous difficulties with my lifestyle. -
Arthur.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.
 -- Erin Cleary
%%
I see my life go drifting like a river
From change to change; I have been many things -
A green drop in the surge, a gleam of light
Upon a sword, a fir tree on a hill,
An old slave grinding at a heavy quern,
A king sitting upon a chair of gold -
And all these things were wonderful and great;
But now I have grown nothing, knowing all.
Ah! Druid, Druid, how great webs of sorrow
Lay hidden in that small slate-coloured thing!
 -- William Butler Yeats, "Fergus and the Druid"
%%
I see my way as birds their trackless way.
I shall arrive,--what time, what circuit first,
I ask not; but unless God send his hail
Or blinding fire-balls, sleet or stifling snow,
In some time, his good time, I shall arrive:
He guides me and the bird. In his good time.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Paracelsus, Part i
%%
I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.
 -- Spock
%%
I see no wisdom in saving up indignation for a rainy day.
 -- Heywood Hale Broun (1888-1939)
%%
I seen you do the dog, I seen you gettin down.
%%
I see!, said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
%%
I see that your second lobotomy finally took hold.
%%
I see that Zambezzian barley production is up again.
%%
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)!
 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
%%
I see the light!  It's a BUD light!
%%
I see them on their winding way,
About their ranks the moonbeams play.
 -- Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
 -- Lines written to a March
%%
I see them walking in an air of glory
  Whose light doth trample on my days,--
My days, which are at best but dull and hoary,
  Mere glimmering and decays.
 -- Henry Vaughan (1621-1695)
 -- They are all gone
%%
..  I see TOILET SEATS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I see when men love women they give but a little of their lives but
women when they love give everything.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at
heart.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
I see your .44 and raise you a GAU-8A.
%%
I see your always willing to share your ignorance...Bob.
%%
I see you're not one of our registered dealers...
 -- Ramon Legnaghi
%%
I See Your Face Printed On My Money
%%
I see your GAU-8A and raise you two SA-9 Gophers!
%%
I see your GAU-8A and raise you two SAMs!
%%
I see your point... and raise you a line.
 -- Elliot Smorodinsky
%%
I see you Sam's and raise you two weasels.
%%
I see you shiver in antici........................pation.
%%
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
I selected E5...  but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I sense danger, Will Robinson!
%%
I sense... <*SLAP*>  Not while we're on the bridge, Will!
%%
I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, This is what I wish. The
little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me.  The little
fishes' answer was We cannot do it, sir, because ... I sent a letter
back to say It would be better to obey.  But someone came to me and
said The little fishes are in bed. I said to him, and I said it plain
Then you must wake them up again.  I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He
said You needn't shout so loud.  And he was very proud and stiff,
He said I'll go and wake them if ... I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.  But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door
was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ...               Is that
all? asked Alice.     That is all. said Humpty Dumpty. Goodbye.
 -- Lewis Carrol, Through the Looking Glass
%%
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION.  I DON'T
 WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
... is exhibited in the radical endosemic character of the sign as such.
%%
Is "Floppy" one of the seven dwarfs?
%%
Is Floppy the eighth dwarf?
%%
Is God positive, rational, real, transcendental?
%%
Is good Data, Gordi's best friend?
%%
I shall be an autocrat: that's my trade.  And the good Lord will forgive
me: that's his.
 -- Empress Catherine the Great
%%
I shall be as secret as the grave.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. lxii
%%
I shall be like that tree,--I shall die at the top.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Scott's Life of Swift
%%
I shall defer my visit to Faneuil Hall, the cradle of American liberty,
until its doors shall fly open on golden hinges to lovers of Union
as well as lovers of liberty.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Letter, April, 1851
%%
I shall detain you no longer in the demonstration of what we should
not do, but straight conduct ye to a hillside, where I will point
ye out the right path of a virtuous and noble education; laborious
indeed at the first ascent, but else so smooth, so green, so full
of goodly prospect and melodious sounds on every side that the harp
of Orpheus was not more charming.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Tractate of Education
%%
I shall digitize or die !!!
%%
I shall enter on no encomium upon Massachusetts; she needs none. There
she is. Behold her, and judge for yourselves. There is her history;
the world knows it by heart. The past, at least, is secure. There
is Boston and Concord and Lexington and Bunker Hill; and there they
will remain forever.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Second Speech on Foot's Resolution, Jan. 26, 1830, p. 317
%%
I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,
 or I'll have your guts for spaghetti.
 -- a comic panel by Cotham
%%
I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate manner.
%%
I shall fold my tens and silently slip away.
 -- An Algonquinite with a losing card hand
%%
I shall light a candle of understanding in thine heart, which shall
not be put out.
 -- Old Testament
 -- 2 Esdras xiv, 25
%%
I shall ne'er be ware of mine own wit till I break my shins against it.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act ii, Sc. 4
%%
I shall never ask, never refuse, never resign nor ever not run for re-election.
 -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau
If birds confabulate or no.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Pairing Time Anticipated
%%
I shall stay him no longer than to wish him a rainy evening to read
this following discourse; and that if he be an honest angler, the
east wind may never blow when he goes a fishing.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Author's Preface
%%
I shan't elaborate.
%%
Ishara: "I don't want to kill you, Data...but I will."
 -- "Legacy", Stardate unknown
%%
I share no man's opinions; I have my own.
 -- Ivan Turgenev
%%
I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis
pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only
by a change in our world view. We shall have to shift from the materialistic,
dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a
new consciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the
experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate
nature and all of creation.
 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
%%
"Is he Dead Yet?" by Benny Fishery
%%
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG
his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
ESCALATOR ...
%%
I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.
%%
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
 -- Graffito in Los Angeles
%%
I shot 'em in the ears and blew their
 brains out!  I invented that!
 -- FLAMING CARROT
%%
I shot JFK, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
%%
I shot the Moderator, but I did not shoot the Sysop
%%
I shot the Moderator. I AM the Sysop, didn't shoot myself.
%%
I shot the Sysop, but I did not shoot the moderator.
%%
I shot the Sysop, but I should have shot the moderator
%%
I should be so lucky.
%%
... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ...
 -- Dave Barry, The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
              Points in l'Amour
%%
I should have BBSed all night.
%%
I should have been a plumber.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card.  But
as Mark Twain once said, "You should never trust a man who has only
one way to spell a word."
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from
                   President Andrew Jackson.
%%
I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying.
%%
I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since
he got his nickname "Stonewall" by vetoing bills passed by Congress.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing Andrew Jackson
                   with Confederate General Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson,
                   who actually got his nickname at the first Battle of
                   Bull Run.
%%
"I should have stayed in college."
"What would you be if you had stayed in college?"
"I was in the black studies program.  By now I could have been black."
 -- Woody Allen, "Bananas"
%%
I should put a disclaimer on here about my employer providing access
to the net etc. etc. But he don't windsurf so I won't.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I
know how to use them.
%%
I show a clear pattern of unpredictability.
%%
Is HST faster than the Concord?
%%
Ishtar, Sumero-Babylonian goddess of bloodshed, war and destruction.
%%
I shut my eyes in order to see.
 -- Paul Gauguin
%%
I sighed as a lover, I obeyed as a child.
%%
ISI     Increment and Skip on Infinity
%%
"I simply cannot ride in a car that says,
 "Women's Transit Authority" on the side."
 -- The Badger discusses the proprieties of driving in "Badger"
%%
I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that
decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to
medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us- a
most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole
normal evolution of society.
 -- Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University
%%
Is infinity odd or even?
%%
I sing New England, as she lights her fire
In every Prairie's midst; and where the bright
Enchanting stars shine pure through Southern night,
She still is there, the guardian on the tower,
To open for the world a purer hour.
 -- William Ellery Channing (1780-1842)
 -- New England
%%
Is is a good day to die, Duras, and the day is not yet over.
 -- Worf to Duras, "Sins of the Father", stardate 43685.2
%%
Is is not true that we have only one life to live;
if we can read,
we can live as many lives and as many kinds of lives as we wish.
 -- S.I. Hayakawa
%%
Is is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
%%
Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
 one wild afternoon??
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is it a Barbra Streisand concert or a Bill Clinton campaign rally?
%%
Is it a bigger crime to rob a bank or to open one?
%%
Is it a crime to be illiterate?!
%%
Is it a known (mis-)feature?
%%
Is it any wonder that my mind's on fire?
%%
Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?
 -- R. Friesen Chemistry 124
%%
Is it a world to hide virtues in?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act i, Sc. 3
%%
Is it bad luck, or just bad timing?
%%
Is it bang for the buck, or pennies for a pop?
%%
I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,
Of Meadow-flowers and butterflies in summers that have been;
Of yellow leaves and gossamer in autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun and wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire and think of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring that I shall ever see,
For still there are so many things that I have never seen:
In every wood in every spring there is a different green.
I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago,
And people who will see a world that I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think of times that were before,
I listen for returning feet and voices at the door.

 -- J.R.R. Tolkien
%%
Is it better to abide by the rules until
they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
%%
"Is it better to be 'safe' than sorry?"
Ah-ha
"Take a chance on me."
 -- Abba
%%
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one?  Neither, if your
cholesterol is over six hundred.  By love, of course, I refer to
romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between
mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
 -- Woody Allen
 -- Without Feathers
%%
Is it better to have a leg longer than the other or shorter?
%%
Is it bigger than a baby's arm?
 -- Nora Diniro
%%
Is it clean in other dimensions?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I sit down next to him and get my gear off. (My armour I meant!)
%%
Is it fair to hold politicians to the same standards as humans?
%%
Is it 'Flow Control' or 'wolF lortnoC'
%%
Is it Friday yet?
%%
Is it further to Boston, or by bus?
%%
Is it information if no one knows it???
%%
Is it in my head, or in my heart?
%%
Is it I who am far away or is it you?
%%
Is it just me or are all uncles either really cool, or child molestors?
%%
Is it just me, or does anyone else read 'bible humpers' every time
someone writes 'bible thumpers?'
 -- Joel M. Snyder, [e-mail]
%%
Is it just me, or does Boris Yeltsin look an awful lot like Benny Hill?
%%
Is it just me, or does there seem to be an inordinate number of lurkers
 whose heads are imploding lately?   Maybe all these alternative viewpoints
 are too much for them to handle.
 -- Trent Wohlschlaeger ([e-mail])
%%
Is it just me, or is 9600 not as fast as it used to be?
%%
Is it just me, or is my monitor breathing?
%%
Is it known bug or am I missing something?
%%
Is it legal to advocate the long overdue overthrow of a corrupt govt.?"
%%
Is it live or is it Memorex?
%%
Is it magic.... or is it SessionManager?
%%
Is it me, or does Perot look like a Ferengi?
%%
Is it morally wrong to allow hockey players to keep their teeth?
%%
Is it not a noble farce, wherein kings, republics, and emperors have
for so many ages played their parts, and to which the whole vast universe
serves for a theatre?
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book ii, Chap. xxxvi, Of the most Excellent Men
%%
Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own?
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xx, 15
%%
Is it not possible that an individual may be right and a government
wrong?  Are laws to be enforced simply because they were made?   Or
declared by any number of men to be good, if they are NOT good?
 -- Henry David Thoreau - 'A Plea for Captain John Brown'
%%
 Is it not that, in the chain of events, the birthday of the nation is
 indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Saviour? ....   Is it not
 that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact
 on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission?  That it laid the
 cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity
 and gave to the world the first irrevocable pledge of the fulfillment of
 the prophecies announced directly from Heaven at the birth of the Saviour
 and predicted by the greatest of the Hebrew prophets 600 years before?
 -- John Quincy Adams, 1837
%%
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
 in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is it OK for a gynecologist to look up old girlfriends?
%%
Is it ok to panic now?
%%
Is it OK to use my AM radio in the afternoon?
%%
Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?
%%
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant
 to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a soap
 bubble?
%%
Is it possible to feel gruntled???
%%
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork?
 -- Stanislaw J. Lec
%%
Is it really music if there's no melody?
%%
Is it really that good? It couldn't be, could it?
 I mean, a first attempt by a total amateur?
  I'll tell you how good that is: even a gifted director couldn't hurt it.
 -- from DEATHTRAP
%%
Is it really true that blondes have more fun?
%%
Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?
 -- A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes
 -- in SONIC DISRUPTORS
%%
Is it so nominated in the bond?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
Is it still Monday?!?
%%
Is it still paranoia if they ARE ALL out to get me???
%%
Is it Strawberry Bread Yet?!
%%
Is it time for lunch yet?
%%
Is it true that Rush Limbaugh has been "outed"?
%%
Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?

That's true.

Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?        That's true.

Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?

That's true.

What does your doctor say about all of this?

My doctor is dead.
 -- George Burns
%%
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
%%
Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know?
%%
Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
 That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.
 -- Weird theory #47
%%
Islam:         If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah
%%
I slept, and dreamed that life was Beauty;
I woke, and found that life was Duty.
Was thy dream then a shadowy lie?
Toil on, poor heart, unceasingly;
And thou shalt find thy dream to be
A truth and noonday light to thee.
 -- Ellen Sturgis Hooper (1816-1841)
 -- Life a Duty
%%
I slept and drempt that life was joy.
I awoke and saw that life was duty.
I acted and beheld that duty was joy.
 -- Rabindranath Tagore
%%
I slept like a baby...with a breast in my mouth.
%%
I slept like a baby -- woke up every two hours.
%%
I slept with Joe Isuzu   <- she's lying
%%
Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price
of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course
others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!
 -- Patrick Henry (1736-1799)
 -- Speech in the Virginia Convention, March 1775
%%
Is life trying to pass me by or run me over??
%%
I slit my throat on the cutting edge of technology.
%%
ISM
  Any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
I smashed a Window and saw... OS/2.
%%
I smell a maze of twisty little passages.
%%
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I smell a rat.  Did you bake it or fry it?
%%
I smell a rat.
 -- Patrick Henry, upon hearing about the Constitutional
     Convention, which eventually overthrew the first
     Federal Government of the United States
%%
I smell a rat.
 -- Thomas Middleton (1580-1627)
 -- Blurt, Master-Constable, Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I smell something fishy - and I'm not talking about the contents of
  Baldrick's apple crumble...
 -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
I smell something steeeenky!
 -- Nerve ending fairy
%%
ISMISM
  Belief in any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice. Ismism was
  started up in the mid-1980s by a splinter group from "Atheists For
  Christ". Ismism meetings gained quick popularity, and Ismism leader
  Ralph Snider travelled the world promoting his paper "Why I Argue A
  Lot". The followers of Ismism are generally agreed to be very
  confused people.
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
I smoked pot at a drive-in movie theater. But the screen was this tiny. It
 was itsy-bitsy thumb and forefinger tiny. Till I realized I was so stoned
 I'd backed in and I was watching it from my rearview mirror.
 -- Sandy Baron
%%
Is most tolerable, and not to be endured.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Is Mr. Kosinski what he seems, a joke?
No. It's too cruel.
 -- Wesley and Traveler, "Where No One Has Gone Before",
       stardate 41263.1
%%
Is Multimate the Word Processor for Bigamists?
%%
Is my modem supposed to smoke like that?
%%
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
%%
I snore. I don't care. I don't have to. I'm ASLEEP.
%%
Is not absence death to those who love?
 -- Alexander Pope
%%
: is not an identifier
%%
Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
Is not light grander than fire? It is the same element in a state of purity.
 -- Carlyle
%%
"Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out; and such as are out wish to get in."
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Montaigne"
%%
Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsomest, old wood burns
brightest, old linen wash whitest? Old soldiers, sweetheart, are surest,
and old lovers are soundest.
 -- John Webster (c. 1580-1625)
 -- Westward Hoe, Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
Is not the gleaning of the grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage
of Abi-ezer?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Judges v, viii, 2
%%
Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation to which the filing system
 has been lost?
 -- Quentin Crisp
%%
Is not this a lamentable thing, that of the skin of an innocent lamb
should be made parchment? that parchment, being scribbled o'er, should
undo a man?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry VI
 -- Act iv, Sc. 2
%%
Isn't damn Yankee one word?
%%
Isn't every computer a Digital computer?
%%
Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?
 -- Arthur
%%
Isn't humanity egocentric?  Whenever we talk, we say, "Here's my two
cents worth," but we only offer "a penny for your thoughts."
 -- Ariel "The Rogue" Rogson
%%
Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?
 -- Rimmer to Kryten in Red Dwarf 'The Last Day'
%%
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then
we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight?  Also what's funny
is how we do this every night.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first
 thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Isn't it interesting how your annoying habits are so
much more annoying than mine are?
%%
Isn't it interesting that IRANGATE Proves crooks go free?
%%
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
 -- Kelvin Throop III
%%
"Isn't it ironic that Herman Wouk's WAR AND
 REMEMBRANCE cost $110,000,000 to produce when
 World War II itself cost only $80,000,000."
 -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
%%
Isn't it lucky for Microsoft that Windows isn't Shareware?
%%
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?
 -- Herb Caen
%%
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
 -- Cincinnati Enquirer
%%
Isn't it surprising how many things, if not said immediately, seem
not worth saying ten minutes from now?
 -- Arnot L. Sheppard, Jr.
%%
Isn't nature wonderful?
%%
Isn't shrimp on a Barbie a bit kinky?
%%
Isn't that your building exploding? My baby!
%%
Isn't the best defence always a good attack?
 -- Ovid
%%
Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
 -- Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) on being served matzo ball soup
three meals in a row
%%
Isn't this a beautiful day! Just watch some bastard louse it up.
%%
Isn't this a conversation for the Taglines conference?
%%
Isn't this my STOP?!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Isn't this the OFF-TOPIC conference?
%%
Isn't tonight a school night?
 -- Superman asks an interrogative of a traunt Robin
 -- in a tank in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS
%%
Isocrates adviseth Demonicus, when he came to a strange city, to worship
by all means the gods of the place.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- The Anatomy of Melancholy, Part iii, Sect. 4, Memb. 1, Subsect. 5
%%
Isocrates was in the right to insinuate, in his elegant Greek expression,
that what is got over the Devil's back is spent under his belly.
 -- Alain Rene Le Sage (1668-1747)
 -- Gil Blas, Book viii, Chap. ix
%%
I sold my soul to the Devil.  He gave it back.
%%
I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn
out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.
%%
I sometimes think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
I sometimes think that never blows so red
The Rose as where some buried Caesar bled;
  That every Hyacinth the Garden wears
Dropt in her Lap from some once lovely Head.
 -- Omar Khayyam (died c.1133)
 -- Rubaiyat, Stanza xix
%%
Isometric: sign in the window of a modern tailor.
%%
Is OS/2 a four letter word?
%%
I speak for the little birdies that follow me around.
%%
I speak of rights! A machine has none! A man must.
%%
I speak of rights!  A machine has none; a man must.  If you do not
  grant him that right, you have brought us down to the level of the
  machine; indeed, you have elevated that machine above us!
 -- Samuel T. Cogley, "Court Martial," stardate 2949.9.
%%
I speak only for myselves.
%%
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men,
and German to my horse.
 -- Charles V
%%
I speak truth, not so much as I would, but as much as I dare; and
I dare a little the more as I grow older.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap ii, Of Repentance
%%
I sped up my keyboard & I can't keep up with it!
%%
I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very
close, personal,loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted
plant in these meetings.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself
     (Tampa Tribune-Times  1/7/90)
%%
I spend half my life logged into crazy liberals!
%%
I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew five thousand
 dollars at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the hell, you
 only live once.
 -- Ronnie Shakes
%%
I spent $900 on this Bose headset & I can /still/ hear my CFI yelling!
%%
I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX collect.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I spent hours coming up with this tagline.  Could you tell?
%%
I spent hours trying to come up with the perfect tagline.  This isn't it.
%%
I spent last night in the arms of a girl in Louisiana.
%%
Is piece when the loin lies down with the limb?
%%
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
ISP     Increment and Skip on Pi
%%
Is PL/1 Batchrian or dromedary?
%%
Is politics a legitimate form of entertainment?
%%
I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog.
%%
I-SPY
  Simple spelling game which can get a little boring if played
  consistently for more than four hours at a time. So boring, in
  fact, that you may feel the necessity to play not "I-Spy", but
  "I-Hit", a game which runs more or less like this-:
    PERSON 1: "I hit with my little fist, something beginning with H"
    PERSON 2: "Erm.. head?"
    PERSON 1: "Correct!"
    PERSON 2: "*Ouch!*"
 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA
%%
Israel today announced that it is giving up.   The Zionist state will dissolve
 in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort
 communities around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs
 the aggravation?'
 -- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live News
%%
Is Ross Perot still recognized at cockfights?
%%
Is Saul also among the prophets?
 -- Old Testament
 -- 1 Samuel x, 11
%%
Is sex in a cornfield "Porn on the cob"?
%%
Is she not more than painting can express,
Or youthful poets fancy when they love?
 -- Nicholas Rowe (1673-1718)
 -- The Fair Penitent, Act iii, Sc. 1
%%
Is she not passing fair?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Two Gentlemen of Verona
 -- Act iv, Sc. 4
%%
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?  I don't know and I
don't care.
 -- William Safire
%%
Is smocus fart enough?
%%
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
'Is stuffy inside tagline.'
 -- Confucius Says
%%
Issues are Emotional. Decisions are Political. Solutions are Technical.
%%
I stand before you defrocked. Condemned to be a member of this lowest of
  species. A normal, imperfect, lumpen human being.
 -- Q, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
                   (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared into me.
Neither of us liked what we saw.
%%
I started a grease fire at McDonald's--threw a match in the cook's hair.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
I started a joke, which set the whole world crying
%%
I started at the top and worked my way down.
 -- Orson Welles
%%
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.
%%
I started smoking to lose weight. After I dropped that lung I felt pretty
 good.
 -- Michael Meehan
%%
I started to correct my mistakes, but realized what I was doing in time.
%%
I start with the premise that the function of leadership is to produce
more leaders, not more followers.
 -- Ralph Nader
%%
"I stayed up all night learning my line."
 -- Julie Condra/Syndi, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
IST %DSZLOG% DEL %DSZLOG%
%%
I steal taglines one at a time.
%%
I steal tags.... Where do you think I got this one????
%%
I stepped on a Tetanus needle today..... now what?
%%
Is that a banana in your pocket, or you happy to see me?
%%
Is that a ferret in your trousers, or are you always twitchy?
%%
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
%%
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
 -- Mae West
%%
"Is that a gun Yoko?" - John Lennon
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
%%
Is THAT all, Bernard Goetz?
%%
Is That all There Is.
 -- -=DgP=- Ridgefield, NJ.
%%
Is that an XT or are you running Windows?
%%
Is that a real poncho... I mean Is that a Mexican poncho
 or is that a Sears poncho?
 -- Frank Zappa, Camarillo Brillo
%%
Is that computer still on the phone?!!!
%%
Is that funny?   Is that a joke?
 -- Data
%%
Is that funny [y/n]?
%%
Is that Hemorrhoids or am I sitting on a bunch of grapes?
%%
"Is that how a warped brain like your's gets
 its kicks? By planning the deaths of innocent people?"
  "No... by *causing* the deaths of innocent people."
 -- Lex Luthor and Superman discuss Fun Evenings in "Superman"
%%
Is that Line Noise or a "C" program listing?
%%
Is that MURPHY perched on my shoulder???
%%
Is that my phone bill or the national debt?
%%
Is that really you Bob?  Oh my gosh.. it is..
%%
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it.
%%
Is that simple enough, as a bit, a bit surprised by your message.
%%
Is That That?
 -- Confucious, 370BC
%%
Is that the same mouth you kiss his mother with ?
%%
Is that you reading me, or is that me being written?
%%
Is the dingleberry still fashionable?
%%
Is the Kiev accident anything like Three Mile Island?
Of course, there's a direct core-relation.
%%
Is the lack of a tagline a tagline in itself?
%%
Is the last cow on earth the utter udder?
%%
Is the opposite of the "Religious Right" the "Irreligious Wrong"?
%%
Is there a BBS-aholics Anonymous ???
%%
Is there a hell?
          No but I hear Los Angeles is getting pretty close.
 -- from the movie _Defending your Life_
%%
Is there a lawyer in the house?  Yes?  [BANG]  Okay, any more?
%%
Is there a Lemon Law for Presidents too?
%%
Is there a moderator in the ANARCHY Echo?
%%
Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?
%%
Is there any chance I can reboot my life?
%%
Is there any intelligent life in this planet?
 No. I'm just visiting in here.
%%
Is there anyone who smiles without a mask?
%%
Is there any particular area you'd like us to go for? We can aim
  anywhere...
...Well, in that case...just above the top of my head might be
  a good spot...
 -- Squad Sargeant and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" - Arthur.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
Is there anything in life so disenchanting as attainment?
 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
%%
Is there anything in the universe more beautiful and protective than
the simple complexity of a spider's web?
 -- Charlotte
%%
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
 across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
 his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.  And
 also, you're drunk.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
Is there ANYthing that is stronger than love?
Yes, garlic.
%%
Is there anything whereof it may be said, See, this is new? It hath
been already of old time, which was before us.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes i, 10
%%
Is there a parson much bemused in beer,
A maudlin poetess, a rhyming peer,
A clerk foredoom'd his father's soul to cross,
Who pens a stanza when he should engross?
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires, Line 15
%%
Is there a patient in the house?
%%
Is there a pleasant peasant present?
%%
Is there a ring of debris around uranus?
%%
"Is there a Roman numeral for zero?" [no]
 -- Amazingly Mind-bogglingly Stupid Question #7432
%%
Is there a special technique to this foot-washing?
"You generally start at the top, and work your way down."
I think I can handle that.
"I was hoping you might."
 -- Riker and Brenna O'Dell, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
Is there death after life?
%%
Is the register better or the times?
%%
Is There Intelligent Life in the Universe?
 -- ARCARC
%%
Is there life after BBS? No BBS...I must be in HELL!
%%
Is there life before coffee?
 -- Bumper Sticker
%%
Is there life before death?
 -- Belfast Graffito
%%
Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?
 -- Old Testament
 -- Jeremiah viii, 22
%%
Is there no bright reversion in the sky
For those who greatly think, or bravely die?
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- To the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady, Line 9
%%
Is there no hope? the sick man said;
The silent doctor shook his head.
 -- John Gay (1688-1732)
 -- Fables, Part i, The Sick Man and the Angel
%%
Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
Is there no way to bring home a wandering sheep, but by worring him to death?
 -- Fuller
%%
Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
 -- King Arthur
%%
Is there some secret significance in the fact that "spouse" rhymes with
 some other terms, "louse," and "souse"?
%%
Is the surface of a planet the right place for a
developing technological civilization?
%%
Is the U.S. Congress hampered by greedlock?
%%
Is the US ready for self-government?
%%
Is the world full of smart people pretending or
imbeciles who mean it?
%%
Is this acceptable?
%%
Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Macbeth
 -- Act ii, Sc. 1
%%
Is this all that's left of my life before me?
%%
Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
%%
Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this appropriate technology?
%%
Is this a rhetorical question?
 -- SLR
%%
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
%%
Is this foreplay?
     No, this is Nuke Strike.   Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again.
 -- Duckert, in Bad Rubber, Albedo #0 (comics)
%%
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
"Is this program available for all the machines?"
"Just the VAX, Ma'am."
%%
Is this real, Ben, or some strange and twisted dream?
 -- Jerry Horne, from Twin Peaks
%%
Is this really Butte Montana or just existential blues?
 -- Tom T-bone Stankas
%%
Is this really happening?
%%
Is this schizoid paranoia or just existential blues?
%%
Is this some more of that Trombonist's humor?
%%
Is this tagline half slow or half fast?
%%
Is this TERMINAL fun?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this that haughty gallant, gay Lothario?
 -- Nicholas Rowe (1673-1718)
 -- The Fair Penitent, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
Is this the line for the latest whimsical  YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
 makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
%%
Is this the sort of advice you're looking for?--Make money. Make it, if you
 can, fair and square. If not, make it anyway.
 -- Horace
%%
Is this the way?
%%
Is this true or only clever?
 -- Augustine Birrell
%%
Is This Where a "Tagline" Goes?
%%
Is this where I'm supposed to insert the funny line?
%%
Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn ...
%%
Is thy servant a dog, that he should do this great thing?
 -- Old Testament
 -- 2 Kings viii, 13
%%
I still believe in liberalism today as much as I ever did, but, oh,
there was a happy time when I believed in liberals...
 -- G. K. Chesterton
%%
I still don't have a handle on life, but I have its FCB.
%%
I still don't remember, why I hated it.
%%
I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think,
all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all
the friends I want to see.
 -- John Burrough
%%
I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure enough, I couldn't
 see any forests.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I still live.
 -- Daniel Webster
%%
I still love The Canadiens...no matter what!
%%
I still miss my ex-girlfriend - but with my new nuclear warhead...
%%
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
%%
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
%%
"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better."
 -- Proposed Country-Western song titles
%%
I stink, therefore I am.
%%
Is "tired old cliche" one?
 -- Steven Wright
%%
ISTK: Invert STacK
%%
. . is to attempt seeing Truth without knowing Falsehood. It is the attempt
to see the Light without knowing Darkness. It cannot be.
 -- Frank Herbert, Dune
%%
I stole this tagline from someone else!
%%
Is Tony the Tiger related to the ESSO Tiger?  Like maybe twins?
%%
I stood
Among them, but not of them; in a shroud
Of thoughts which were not their thoughts.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iii, Stanza 113
%%
I stood in Venice on the Bridge of Sighs,
A palace and a prison on each hand.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 1
%%
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.   Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
 -- Shirley Temple
%%
I stopped my subscription to Consumer Reports ... I don't want to know
 about the "acceptable amount" of rodent hair in wholesale tuna fish. I'm a
 very weird guy. I have no acceptable amount of rodent hair. Some people,
 300, 400 hairs in a can. Some, seven or eight. For me, even two is too many
 for me!
 -- Robert Klein
%%
I strove with none, for none was worth my strife;
  Nature I loved; and next to Nature, Art.
I warm'd both hands against the fire of life;
  It sinks, and I am ready to depart.
 -- Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864)
 -- Dying Speech of an old Philosopher
%%
Is truth not truth for all?
 -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
 -- the Sky," stardate 5476.4.
%%
I studied COBOL in college, but I didn't compile
%%
I stumbled over a stone and took it for granite.
%%
I suffer from C R S ... Can't remember sh-t
%%
I suggest that the only books that influence us are those for which we are
ready, and which have gone a little farther down our particular path than
we have yet gone ourselves.
 -- E. M. Forster
%%
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
tub to face is up.
 -- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
%%
Is UNIX a castrated servant?
%%
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
 -- Interpreting supervisors comments...
%%
I support Artificial Stupidity.
%%
I support drug tests. Test the politicians.
%%
[I support efforts] to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
members of the House and members of the Senate.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/26/90, (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I support everyone's right to be an idiot. I may need
it myself someday.
%%
I support family values--Addams family values
%%
I SUPPORT FREE Speech! Only, IF you agree with me.
%%
I support Merit Pay and Piece Work for politicians.
%%
I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation,
 because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.
%%
I support the rights of straight people, even though
I'm perfectly bent myself
%%
I supposed it had to happen. It usually does at about this age?
What does?
Glands, erupting with hormones.
 -- Geordi and Wesley, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
I suppose I'm really, really interested...
%%
I suppose most of us overlook that fact that even Vulcans aren't
  indestructible.
 -- Kirk, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
%%
I suppose Paradise must be like this.
%%
"I suppose that everyone is familiar in outline with the theory of the
origin of species which Darwin promulgated.  Through the last fifty
years this theme of the natural selection of favored races has been
developed and expounded in writings innumerable.  Favored races certainly
can replace others.  The argument is sound, but we are doubtful of
its value.  For us that debate stands adjourned.  We go to Darwin
for his incomparable collection of facts.  We would fain emulate his
scholarship, his width and his power of exposition, but to us he speaks
no more with philosophical authority.  We read his scheme of evolution
as we would those of Lucretius or of Lamarck, delighting in their
simplicity and courage." "Modern research lends not the smallest encouragement
or sanction to the view that gradual evolution occurs by the transformation
of masses of individuals, though that fancy has fixed itself on popular
imagination."
 -- William Bateson,
 -- Address of the President of the British Association
 -- for the Advancement of Science, August 14, 1914
%%
"I suppose that for the next year-and-a-half the
stock market will shoot way up every time Howard
Baker walks out of the Oval Office and says, "He's
alert today!"
 -- Mark Russell
%%
I suppose that this is another of those young writers who are worth
 watching. Not reading; just watching.
 -- Dorothy Parker
%%
I suppose the best way to find out where you've come from
     is to find out where you're going, and then work backwards.
 -- 4th Doctor, CITY OF DEATH
%%
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it.
 -- Turing
%%
I sure do love those BBS's.
%%
I surely don't want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. If
 I were, then I wouldn't be, and so all of this could not take place as it
 happens to me now. It is nice that we get the chance to clarify these
 things.
%%
I survived Catholic school.
%%
I survived the First Amazon Calvary PMS Battalion!
%%
I survived the Phoenix Sun. It's a dry heat. Yah Sure!
%%
I survived the total perspective vortex.
%%
I survived torture.  I'm ready to date Lwaxana.
 -- Picard
%%
Is virus a 'micro' organism?
%%
I swear -- by my life and my love for it -- that I will never live for the
 sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.
 -- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%%
I swear I don't use offline mail!
%%
I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.
 -- Edward Albee
%%
I SWEAR I thought she was 18!
%%
I swear 't is better to be much abused
Than but to know 't a little.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
Is wetter REALLY better?
%%
Is your church B.A.T.F. approved?
%%
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
%%
Is your nose too big, or did you just have a tetanus shot?
%%
Is yours a real cat, or does it come when you call it?
%%
I sysop, therefore I can.
%%
Itadakimasu!
%%
It adds a precious seeing to the eye.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Love's Labour 's Lost
 -- Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
It ain't a trend until you've seen it twice
%%
It ain't easy being easy.
%%
It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then.  As long as you don't
 break any.
 -- Mae West
%%
It ain't over until it's over.
 -- Casey Stengel
%%
It ain't over until the FAT table sinks....
%%
It ain't over until you read the tagline!
%%
It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble.   It's the
 things we know that ain't so.
 -- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown
%%
It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother
me, it is the parts that I do understand.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
%%
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
 -- William Clinton
%%
I take an instant dislike to lawyers. It saves time.
%%
I take a simple view of life:
keep your eyes open and get on with it.
 -- Laurence Olivier
%%
I take drugs and sing rock and roll.  Look what it did for Elvis.
%%
I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'
 -- Tammy Faye Bakker
%%
I take my children hiking and fishing, walking in the woods.
 -- Senator Dan Quayle offering proof of his
                   commitment to the environment during the VP
                   debate, 10/5/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
I take my pet Lion to church every Sunday.  He has to eat!
%%
I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps coming back.
%%
I take orders from one person! Me!
%%
I take the view, and always have, that if you cannot say what you are
 going to say in twenty minutes you ought to go away and write a book
 about it.
 -- Lord Brabazon
%%
I take the world to be but as a stage,
Where net-maskt men do play their personage.
 -- Du Bartas (1544-1590)
 -- Dialogue between Heraclitus and Democritus
%%
Italian Delicacies: Liz Onya
%%
 (Italian Mafia-style voice:)  I can't come to the phone right
 now.  Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.  I
 think we're going to have to size it a little...  (Aside:)  HEY
 GUIDO!  GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name and a
 message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, you'll
 hear from Guido!  (Laughter.)
 -- Answering machine madness - you're in big trouble
%%
Italians do it better!
%%
Italians do it better.  (this line was obviously written by an Italian)
%%
Italia! O Italia! thou who hast
The fatal gift of beauty.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto iv, Stanza 42
%%
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
%%
It all begins, beneath the skin
 No one is near, no one will hear
 Your changeling song takes place
 In Shadowtime
 -- Siouxie & The Banshies "Shadowtime"
%%
It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'.
%%
It all makes sense if you take every other word...
%%
It all seems so stupid, it makes me want to give up. But why should
I give up, when it all seems so stupid.
 -- Martin Gore
%%
   It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do.
It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work; it
fascinates me.        I can sit and look at it for hours.  I love to keep it
by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
   You cannot give me too much work; to accumulate work has almost
become a passion with me; my study is so full of it now that there is
hardly an inch of room for any more.  I shall have to throw out a wing
soon.
   And I am careful of my work, too.  Why, some of the work that I have
by me now has been in my possession for years and years, and there isn't
a fingermark on it.  I take a great pride in my work; I take it down
now and then and dust it.  No man keeps his work in a better state of
preservation than I do.
   But, though I crave for work, I still like to be fair.  I do not ask
for more than my proper share.
   But I get it without asking for it - at least, so it appears to me -
and this worries me.
 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men in a Boat"
%%
It always gets darker, just before it gets completely dark.
%%
It always happens, but we never expect "the unexpected".
%%
"It always hearted me to know that the rocket (Atlas) I was riding upon
was made by the lowest bidder."
 -- John Glenn, paraphrased on his orbital flight in 1962.
%%
It always helps to use the right tool for the job.
%%
It always makes you feel a little uneasy when people start treating you
 with consideration and respect, because then you've got to wonder if they
 know something you don't know about your health.
%%
It always takes longer than you think, even when you
consider Hoffstadter's Law.
 -- Hofstadter's Law
 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, from "Goedel, Escher, Bach"
%%
It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
 -- First Law of Travel
%%
Italy, my Italy!
Queen Mary's saying serves for me
  (When fortune's malice
  Lost her Calais):
"Open my heart, and you will see
Graved inside of it 'Italy.'"
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- De Gustibus, ii
%%
It [angling] deserves commendations;... it is an art worthy the knowledge
and practice of a wise man.
 -- Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
 -- The Complete Angler, Part i, Chap. 1
%%
It appears Lt. Commander Worf is quite adamant about his solitude.
 -- Data, "The Icarus Factor", stardate 42686.4
%%
It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for
 the USSR.  One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer
 Republics.
%%
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he
had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,
What's your IQ?    The new arrival replied, 190.    They discussed
Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival
came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer
this time came 120.    To which Einstein replied, Tell me, how did the
Cubs do this year? and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, What's
your IQ?.      Upon receiving the answer 70, Einstein smiled and asked,
Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?
%%
It appears to be a Romulan Warbi^JovT#NO CARRIER
%%
I taught him everything he knows!
%%
I taught I taw a puddy tat.
 -- Tweety
%%
I TAUGHT MY DUCK TO SAY ".QWK .QWK"
%%
IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP
%%
"It [aviation] is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific
art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion, another barrier
between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of
Europe, one of those priceless possessions which permit the White
race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown."
 -- Charles Lindbergh,
 -- "Aviation, Race and Geography," Reader's Digest, November, 1939
%%
I tawt I taw a tutty tat.
%%
I tax not you, you elements, with unkindness.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
It balances! It balances! Run the bloody paychecks.
%%
It beareth the name of Vanity Fair, because the town where 't is kept
is lighter than vanity.
 -- John Bunyan (1628-1688)
 -- Pilgrim's Progress, Part i
%%
... It beeped and said Countdown initiated. Is that bad?
%%
It behooves a prudent person to make trial of everything before arms.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act iv, Sc. 7, 19, (789.)
%%
It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
 -- Writing Rule 24
%%
It behooves us to avoid archaisms.
%%
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which
  is logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy
  merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
 -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
%%
It belongs to human nature to hate those you have injured.
 -- Tacitus (54-119 AD)
 -- Agricola, 42
%%
It brings a sense of order and stability to my universe to know you're
  still a pompous ass...and a damn sexy man.
 -- Capt. Philipa Louvois, "The Measure of a Man", stardate 42523.7
%%
It came upon the midnight clear,
  That glorious song of old.
 -- Edmund H. Sears (1810-1876)
 -- The Angels' Song
%%
It can be said of him, when he departed he took a Man's life with
him. No sounder piece of British manhood was put together in that
eighteenth century of Time.
 -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
 -- Sir Walter Scott, London and Westminster Review, 1838
%%
It cannot be called ingenuity to kill one's fellow citizens, to betray
friends, to be without faith, without mercy, without religion;  by these
means one can acquire power but not glory.
 -- Machiavelli
%%
It cannot be said too often - at any rate is it not being said often
enough - that collectivism is not inherently democratic, but, on the
contrary, gives to a tyrannical minority such powers as the Spanish
Inquisition never dreamt of.
 -- George Orwell
%%
It can't be full...I STILL HAVE SUBDIRECTORIES !
%%
It can't work.
 -- Wolfgang's Third Law
%%
Itch for fame?  Use powder daily.
%%
ITCH, n.  The patriotism of a Scotchman.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
It costs a fortune to heat this place.
%%
It costs a lot to build bad products.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
It could always be worse: It might be _my_ problem!
%%
It could be a rabid tiger, it could be a Q-tip. We have no way of knowing.
%%
It could be worse...  I could be using MegaMail!!!
%%
It could be worse -- it could be raining.
%%
It could have happened. John Tower could have been the Defense Sec. and a
 girl named Dixie could have been named to the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
%%
It could have happened, so it must be true.
%%
It could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said,
  'This Guy Fawkes bloke. Do we let him off, or what?'
 -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
It depends on how you look at it--an idiot, or a saint.
 -- Dr. Summers, Mind of Evil
You're right, Jo. [There is magic in the world after all.]
    Doctor, The Daemons
%%
It depends on which end he tries to light...
%%
It depends on your definition of asleep.  They were not stretched out.
They had their eyes closed.  They were seated at their desks with
their heads in a nodding position.
 -- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information,
 -- responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector
 -- that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job
%%
It did me yeoman's service.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
It did not matter, after all. He was only one man. One man's fate is not
important.
If it is not, what is?
He could not endure those remembered words.
 -- Ursula K. Le Guin, spoken by Gaverel Rocannon, Rocannon's World
%%
It did what?  Well, it's not supposed to do that.
%%
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or
no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
It does no harm just once in a while to acknowledge that the whole
country isn't in flames, that there are people in the country besides
politicians, entertainers, and criminals.
 -- Charles Kuralt
%%
It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations, if you live near
 him.
 -- J.R.R. Tolkien
%%
It does not matter how badly you paint so long as you don't paint badly
 like other people.
 -- George Moore
%%
It does not matter whether the cat is black or white.  So long as it
catches the mouse, it is a good cat.
 -- Deng Xiaoping
%%
It does not pay a prophet to be too specific.
 -- L. Sprague de Camp
%%
It does not take much strength to do things,
but it requires great strength to decide on what to do.
 -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
It doesn't HAVE to make sense. It's the law!
%%
It doesn't help matters when prime time TV has Murphy Brown -- a
character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid,
professional woman -- mocking the importance of fathers, by bearing a
child alone, and calling it just another "lifestyle choice."
I know it is not fashionable to talk about moral values, but we need to
do it. Even though our cultural leaders in Hollywood, network TV, the
national newspapers routinely jeer at them, I think that most of us in
this room know that some things are good, and other things are wrong.
Now it's time to make the discussion public.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the
                   Commonwealth Club of San Francisco and criticizing
                   Murphy Brown's decision to NOT have an abortion
                   and to be a single (highly successful) mother, 5/19/92.
                   When told about Quayle's comments, a senior
                   Bush campaign official replied only "Oh, dear."
                   Bush's top aide said,  "The world is a lot more complex
                   than Dan would like to believe"
%%
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always
 room temperature.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
It doesn't matter how sincere it is, nor how heart-felt the spirit.
Sentiment will not endear it.  What's important is the price.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in
 the street and frighten the horses.
 -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell
%%
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
%%
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is
 sure to find out next morning it was someone else.
 -- Rogers
%%
It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!
%%
It doesn't seem that long ago that just a few things cost more than a
 dollar a gallon, including imported whiskey and some rather exotic perfume.
%%
 It doesn't take all kinds.  We just HAVE all kinds.
 -- Sennel's Law
%%
It doesn't take a sledgehammer to crack eggs, but it works!
%%
It doesn't work, but I'm working on it.
%%
It doesn't work, but it looks pretty.
%%
It does often seem that man must fight to live.
 -- Flavius Maximus, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9.
%%
It don't get much better than this folks.
%%
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I tell my kids I play piano in a whore house.  I'm actually a lawyer.
%%
I tell thee Love is Nature's second sun,
Causing a spring of virtues where he shines.
 -- George Chapman (1557-1634)
 -- All Fools, Act i, Sc. 1
%%
I tell thee, that is Mambrino's helmet.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. vii
%%
I tell them there's no problems...Only Solutions...
%%
I tell you, it's no use.
%%
I tell you, Molly, I like the work so much, I'd do it even if
I didn't have to -- by court order, under threat of fine, imprisonment,
or both.
 -- Molly Dodd
%%

   Item n on Johnny's list of "Things I have Learned": Never get too
attached to a house.

 -- from the Tonight Show last night
"Ah yes, divorce.  From the
latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet.'"
 -- Robin William's comment on the above
%%
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.
 -- Herb Caen
%%
I tend to reject the position that the truth of a proposition is an exact
corollary of its credibility.
 -- William F. Buckley, Jr., On The Firing Line
%%
I tested positive for EIB!
%%
It exists only if the DM allows it to exist.
%%
It faded on the crowing of the cock.
Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes
Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,
The bird of dawning singeth all night long:
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir
The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike,
No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,
So hallow'd and so gracious is the time.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
It felt good to be on-line again...
%%
It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence,
then there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.
%%
It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Military Maxims and Thought"
%%
It frequently happens that an optomist is a perfectly normal person in most
 other respects.
%%
It galls you, doesn't it.  The thought of a Liberal Christian.
%%
It gets real lonely as a moderate activist, standing
alone with a sign that reads, "Reasonable informed
discussion of the issues as soon as feasible"
%%
It gets you nowhere if the other person's tail is only just in sight
for the second half of the conversation.
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level
 -- Douglas Adams
 -- The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Marvin
%%
It gives me pleasure to be praised by you whom all men praise.
 -- Tully
%%
It goes much against my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iii, Sc. 2
%%
It got better when the Swedish Bikini Team came.
%%
It had need to bee
A wylie mouse that should breed in the cats eare.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. v
%%
It had to be said: the world is perishing from an orgy of self-sacrifice.
 -- Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand's _The Fountainhead_
%%
It had to happen, and it has. Ismelda Marcos is waiting for permission to
 go to Isreal, where she will plant several shoe trees.
%%
I thank God I am as honest as any man living that is an old man and
no honester than I.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Much Ado about Nothing
 -- Act iii, Sc. 3
%%
I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.
 -- Edmund to Melchett : Money
%%
I thank God, that if I am gifted with little of the spirit which is
able to raise mortals to the skies, I have yet none, as I trust, of
that other spirit which would drag angels down.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Second Speech on Foot's Resolution, Jan. 26, 1830, p. 316
%%
I thank my lucky stars I don't believe in astrology.
%%
I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.
%%
I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
I thank the goodness and the grace
  Which on my birth have smiled,
And made me, in these Christian days,
  A happy Christian child.
 -- Jane Taylor (1783-1824)
 -- A Child's Hymn of Praise
%%
I thank you for your voices: thank you:
Your most sweet voices.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Coriolanus
 -- Act ii, Sc. 3
%%
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown
came out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and
applauded.  He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I
think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
wits, who believe that it is a joke.
%%
It happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and
those within despair of getting out.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book iii, Chap. v
%%
It happens in an hour, that happens not in seven years.
 -- Proverb
%%
It happens sometimes.   People just explode.  Natural causes.
%%
It has all the contortions of the sibyl without the inspiration.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Prior's Life of Burke
%%
It has always been true that in the United States
 the people who ought to read books write them.
 -- Gore Vidal
 -- [Editor's note: Now if Vidal would only take his own advice...]
%%
It has always seemed to me extreme presumptuousness on the part of those who
want to make human ability the measure of what nature can and knows how to
do, since, when one comes down to it, there is not one effect in nature, no
matter how small, that even the most speculative minds can fully understand.
 -- Galileo Galilei
%%
It has become quite a common proverb that in wine there is truth.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book xiv, Sect. 141
%%
It has beeen said that the love of money is the root of all evil. The want of
money is so quite as truly.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
It has been a bitter moritification for me to digest the conclusion that the
'race is for the strong' and that I shall probably do little more but be
content to admire the strides others made in science.
 -- Charles Darwin
%%
It has been determined that most teenage girls lose their virginity
during the summer months.  This stands to reason, since congress is
recessed at that time.
%%
It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing
the trivial details of a program - such as where its bugs are.
%%
IT HAS BEEN KNOWN
I haven't bothered to look up the original reference
 -- Research definitions
%%
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
%%
It has been noted that the most common pain in the neck has absolutely
 nothing whatsoever to do with whiplash.
%%
It has been noticed that coin laundries often attract people who appear to
 have made a life time profession of not using soap.
%%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
 -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
%%
It has been observed that the height of a man from the crown of the
head to the sole of the foot is equal to the distance between the
tips of the middle fingers of the two hands when extended in a straight
line.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book vii, Sect. 77
%%
It has been related that dogs drink at the river Nile running along,
that they may not be seized by the crocodiles.
 -- Phaedrus (c. 8 A.D.)
 -- Book i, Fable 25, 3
%%
It has been said that fish is a good brain food. That's a fallacy. But
 brains are a good fish food!
 -- Mel Brooks
%%
It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
 been searching for evidence which could support this.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
It has been said that nothing is impossible;
yet there are many people doing nothing every day.
%%
It has been said that there are two theories of history: conspiracy
and blunder. If there is some truth to that, it is surely equally
true that blunder seldom receives all the credit due it as an explanation
of complex events.
 -- Michael Scully
%%
It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young
 fool. But the young fool has got to grow up to be an old fool, before he
 can realize what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool. No fooling!
%%
It has been said that trees are imperfect men, and seem to bemoan their
imprisonment rooted in the ground. But they never seem so to me. I never
saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and
though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do. They go wandering
forth in all directions with every wind, going and coming like ourselves,
traveling with us around the sun two million miles a day, and through space
heaven knows how fast and far!
 -- John Muir, American Naturalist (1838-1914)
%%
It has been the providence of Nature to give this creature [the cat]
nine lives instead of one.
 -- Pilpay (or Bidpai)
 -- The Greedy and Ambitious Cat, Chap. i, Fable iii
%%
It has come to my attention that nothing I never said has caused me any
 harm. When I am gone, you will be sorry you never heard me say what I don't
 usually. But if you had, it would have been memorable, which now it isn't
 because you didn't. I have enjoyed these occasional flashes of silence so
 much, since they enhance my conversation so delightfully. It is a pleasure
 for those who do not listen, so they don't have to hear what I do not say,
 which is one of the major reasons why I don't say what I do not do. I hope
 this clears up all the confusion.
%%
It has come to our attention that there are far far too many nude mice in
 North America today. Help stamp out nude mice. (This is a Public Service
 Announcement)
%%
It has come to our considered attention that in a
large majority of cases, far too many people use a
great deal more words than is absolutely necessary
when engaged in the practice of writing sentences.
%%
It has happened to me a great deal. The appearance of a security guard
 brings about a tremendous feeling of insecurity. Take a look at some of
 those folks. Wow!
%%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%%
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another - but which
one?  Differences are crucial.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
It has many other uses as well.  Allow me.
 -- Worf
%%
It has no advantage to argue with the teacher.
%%
It has no lock.
%%
It has no punch lines.
%%
It has nothing to do with the size of Mr. Alnwick's company.   We go after
 companies large and small.
 -- Rita Black, spokesperson for IBM, Unix Today!, 5/29/89, page 51
%%
It has to be hard to be good.
%%
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
 -- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
It hath been an opinion that the French are wiser than they seem,
and the Spaniards seem wiser than they are; but howsoever it be between
nations, certainly it is so between man and man.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Seeming Wise
%%
I [] TheDraw v. 4.0!
%%
I, the heir of all the ages, in the foremost files of time.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Locksley Hall, Line 178
%%
It helps a little if you review Alice in Wonderland immediately before
examining the export regulations.
 -- Prof. Jerry Saltzer, in 1988
%%
"I therefore send to His Majesty a chart drawn by my own hand, upon
which is laid out the western coast from Ireland on the north to the
end of Guinea, and the islands which lie on that route, in front of
which directly to the west, is shown the beginning

 of the Indies...  And do not marvel at my calling 'west' the regions
where the spices grow, although they are commonly called 'east'; because
whoever sails westward will always find those lands in the west, while
one who goes overland to the east will al
ways find the same lands in the east."
 -- Paolo dal Pozzo Toscanelli,
 -- Letter to Fernao Martins, canon of Lisbon, June 25, 1474
%%
I thimk I've finally got this ficts, fics, fixd....
%%
It hinders the creative work of the mind if the intellect examin        es too
closely the ideas as they pour in.
 -- Friedrich Schiller (1759-1805)
%%
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles.  It
 would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle.  After a
 while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some
 pornography.  Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an
 eagle.  He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents.
 Then, some more pornography.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
 -- Tom Stoppard
%%
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver.  And since
 he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets
 hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to
 study the brain.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat".  It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head.  Then you go swimming underwater
until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them.  Then,
all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla.
 Man, those ducks really take off!  Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for
parties.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another
 scientist, "You know what will save the world?  You're holding it in your
 hand."  And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts.  Then when
 he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the
 movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and
 running around.  Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
 would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think all cars should have car phones in 'em and their license plates
 should be their phone number. So you can call 'em up and tell 'em to get
 the hell out of the way. Old people would have 800 numbers.
 -- John Mendoza
%%
I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs while he is married. But
 three is the absolute maximum. After that, you are cheating.
 -- Yves Montand
%%
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle,
 so he won't let himself get snotty about it.
 -- Raymond Chandler
%%
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."  It's just
 like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.  I don't know
 why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
 they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
 -- _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_
%%
I think a SysOp Needs Nine Lives - I need ten.
%%
"I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. I wonder how Richie died?"
"Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life."
 -- Bart and Lisa Simpson, "The Simpsons"
%%
I think cement is more interesting than people think.
%%
I think children have an instinctive need for adults; they want to
  be told right and wrong.
 -- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6.
%%
I think Clinton just taxed my tax refund.
%%
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls
 and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing
 around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think contraception is disgusting -- people using each other for pleasure.
 -- Joseph Scheidler, Director, Pro-Life Action League
%%
I think, .... Do You?
%%
I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional
woman, it would be a real exception to have an unwed child.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle to The Chron's Jerry Roberts.
%%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
 -- Barry Goldwater
%%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's
 suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's
 nomination to the Supreme Court
%%
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
   I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in
a similar fashion.  I don't think anybody really believes in a new, revolution-
ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk' as a term of convenience to
discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books.
 -- Jeff G. Bone
%%
I think God invented rain to give dead people something to complain about.
 -- David Brenner
%%
I think he's a couple bushels shy of a full crop.
%%
I think he's a couple keys short of a concert piano.
%%
I think he's a couple of cans short of a six-pack.
%%
I think he's a couple of ticks past the noon whistle.
%%
I think he's a couple sharps short of B Major.
%%
I think he's a few bars short of a finished symphony.
%%
I think he's a few bricks short of a whole wall.
%%
I think he's a few bytes short of a checksum.
%%
I think he's a few channels short of Basic Cable.
%%
I think he's a few croutons short of a garden salad.
%%
I think he's a few pipes short of a church organ.
%%
I think he's a few strings short of a violin section.
%%
I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'    Nonsense, he was obviously
referring to all manufacturers of dairy products.
 -- two people in the crowd in The Life of Brian
%%
I think he's one taco short of a combination platter.
%%
I think he's playing his oboe with just one reed.
%%
I think he's playing solitaire with a pinochle deck.
%%
I think he's playing the lead violin part on a viola.
%%
I think he's pulling your leg. Believe it or not, Worf is developing
  a sense of humor.
I hope so...for their sake.
 -- Yar and Riker, "11001001", stardate 41365.9
%%
I think I agree with the old lady who said if God had intended us to fly he
 would never have given us the railways.
 -- Michael Flanders
%%
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I think I am better than the people who are trying to reform me.
 -- E.W. Howe
%%
[I think] [I am] <In a circular flowchart>
%%
[I think] [I am] <In a flowchart with a decision box>
%%
I think I am! I think I am!
 -- the little engine that philosophized
%%
I think................I am paid.
%%
I think I can explain, sir.
Can you, Baldrick?
........No.
 -- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
I think I'd be a good mother--maybe a little overprotective. Like I would
 never let the kid out--of my body.
 -- Wendy Liebman
%%
..  I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
 a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I think I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
%%
 I think I'd probably put a bullet in my head if I had Robin Leach
 over to my house.
 -- actor Tim Robbins
%%
I think I embarrassed the lady next to me on the plane. It was one of those
 flights that you sleep on. And I sleep in the nude.
 -- Johnny Dark
%%
I think I exist; therefore, I may be.
%%
I think I just heresied on several important religions.
%%
I think I just lost my appetite.
%%
I think I'll end it all, Sue sighed.
%%
..  I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
 14th STOREY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I think I lost my mind.  Please watch where you step.
%%
I think I made a horrible mistake.
 -- Wesley to Guinan, "Evolution", stardate 43125.8
%%
I Think I May Have Eaten There Myself Department: A man left a restaurant
 with a sandwich for which he had not paid, at high noon. He was quickly
 apprehended by the police and had the evidence in hand at the time. Taken
 before the local magistrate, the man admitted his guilt. The magistrate,
 reflecting on the fact that on one occasion he himself had eaten there at
 the same restaurant from which the sandwich was stolen, ordered the man to
 undergo a thorough psychiatric examination and waived all criminal charges.
 Some sandwich!
%%
I think I may sneeze.
"A Klingon sneeze?"
Only one I know.
 -- Worf and Geordi, "Angel One", stardate 41636.9
%%
I think I'm going to cry.
%%
I think I'm gonna, Barf.
%%
I think I'm gonna, Blow chunks.
%%
I think I'm gonna, Hurl.
%%
I think I'm gonna lose my lunch!
%%
I think I'm gonna, Pray to the porcelain god.
%%
I think I'm gonna, Puke.
%%
I think I'm gonna, spew.
%%
I think I'm gonna whoop my cookies!
%%
 I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king,
 because I like people to do what I say.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think I see a tag line comming... YEP.
%%
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
%%
I think it a very happy accident.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iv, Chap. lviii
%%
I think. I think I am. Therefore I am... I think.
%%
I think I think, therefore I might be.
%%
I think I think. Therefore, I think I am.
%%
I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n >= 3
because I couldn't remember the proof.
 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
%%
I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
%%
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts.  After all,
we've been voting for boobs long enough.
 -- Claire Sargent, on women candidates
 -- The World Almanac and Book of Facts, 1993
%%
I think it's a good reminder of who's really in charge.
 -- Federal worker on the snow-related shutdown in Washington, D.C.
 -- [January 1996]
%%
I think it's beautiful the way the sun lights up the hair in your ears.
 -- Frank Burns on MASH
%%
I think it's pretty sad that someone can take $300 million and try to
buy the presidency of the United States.
 -- Marilyn Quayle, on Ross Perot, who, as of the time
     she said this (May 29), had spent less than $2
     million, versus Bush and Clinton's $15m+ apiece
%%
I think it's time to change the air in your woman.
%%
I think it's very hard to be naked in a scene and not be upstaged by
your nipples.
 -- Susan Sarandon
%%
I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out.
%%
I think I've got a headache.....
%%
I think I will plan being spontaneous tomorrow
%%
I think life should be more like TV.   I think all of life's problems
ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you?
I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns.
I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone
should drive fancy sports cars.  All our desires should be instantly
gratified.  Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should
carry powerful handguns.  Life overall should be more glamorous,
thrill-packed, and filled with applause.
%%
I think like a flowchart.
%%
I think Little League is wonderful.  It keeps the kids out of the
 house.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
I think man invented the car by instinct.
%%
I think marriage is a very personal thing.
%%
I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn.
 -- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitur about Michael Jackson
%%
I think my career is ruined!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I think my family tree is a few branches short!
%%
Ith i nk m y ha rd d i sk  i sfr a gme n te d !
%%
I think my learning curve has turned into a circle.
%%
I think my mistake was yelling "Hi" to the eyewitnesses as they filed into
 court.
 -- Phil Interlandi
%%
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
 around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think my sex drive's got a surge supressor!
%%
I think my sight's improving.  Before I could only see a dark blur, now I
 -can see a light blur.
 -- C3PO (Star Wars)
%%
Ithinkmyspacebarstoppedworking.
%%
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
%%
I think not, said Descartes; and promptly disappeared.
%%
I think of life as a good book.  The further you get into it, the more it
begins to make sense.
 -- Harold S. Kushner
%%
I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie.
You have to be different.
 -- Tony Bennett
%%
I think our No.1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for
anything, but don't quote me.
 -- Randy Glasbergen, "The Saturday Evening Post"
%%
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of
 like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
 than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
 -- Frank Zappa
%%
I think Rodney King said it best when he said: 'Ow ow ow ow..'
 -- Dennis Leary
%%
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
%%
I think some additional software is in order, to prevent the posting of
 Latin without a translation.
 -- Robert Frederking
%%
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.  That
 way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.
 How about it, science?
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think somehow, we learn who we really are
and then live with that decision.
 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
"I think someone's drunk," muttered a purple bushlike being into his
wineglass.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce
 that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted
 him to.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back
 inside the hat is at least a decade away.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
 -- Monty Python
%%
I think that I am tired of reality.  I am going to read Taglines.
%%
I think that I'm the friendliest guy in my zipcode.
%%
I think...that in a week from now, you will be less in the mood for
  being amusing.
At least when I'm in the mood, I _can_ be amusing.
 -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
 -- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), Happy Days (1933) "Song of the Open Road"
%%
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
 -- Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918), Trees and Other Poems (1814) "Trees"
%%
I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a tree.
But as you see the trees have gone
They went this morning with the dawn.
A logging firm from out of town
Came and chopped the trees all down.
But I will trick those dirty skunks
And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
%%
I think that I think; therefore, I think I am. (Cogito cogito, ergo
cogito ergo sum.)
 -- Ambrose Bierce "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
I think that it is much more likely that the reports of flying saucers
are the results of the known irrational characteristics of terrestrial
intelligence than of the unknown rational efforts of extra-terrestrial
intelligence.
 -- Richard Feynman
%%
I think that it will rain tomorrow
... but that is strictly my opinion
- And I prefer snow :-)
 -- Jacob Baekke-Groome, of the Denmarks Meteorological Institute
%%
I think that Jean-Paul Sartre's masterwork Rues a Liberte was an alegory
 of man's search for commitment.
 -- Mrs. Premise
%%
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get
somewhere.
 -- James Thurber
%%
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
 Unless we lose game five.
 -- Charles Barkley
%%
I think that usingtoo  many formatting characters is useless!
%%
...I think that when statesmen forsake their private conscience for the sake
 of their public duties, they lead their country by a short route to chaos.
 -- Sir Thomas Moore to Cardinal Woolsey in _A Man for All Seasons_
%%
I think the behavior is genetic.
%%
I think the best way I've heard this put is "Pascal gives you a water pistol
filled with distilled water.  C not only gives you a loaded .357, it points
it at your head as a default.  Why do you think Pascal is taught in school?
And which would you rather have when there was a hungry bear in the area?"
 -- Jim Harkins ([e-mail])
%%
I think the death of macho is easily located on a
very recent map.
 -- Denis Leary from "Are you Man enough?"
%%
I think The Doctor would *confuse* the Borg.
%%
I think the easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead
 people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong,
 maybe you'd get a pulse.
 -- Dennis Miller
%%
I think the Europeans are hostile toward the English because the English
 have some irritating habits--the habit, for instance, of ending sentences
 with questions that sound like reprimands: "You say it's difficult for you
 to tell because you haven't read the survey? Well, you'll have to read it,
 then, won't you?" See how snotty that sounds?

 Why do the English talk so funny? For one thing, they're all hard of
 hearing. All Englishmen are hard of hearing. That's why they end a lot of
 sentences with questions--just to check and make sure the other fellow
 heard what they were saying ... That's why they're always saying, "I say!"
 -- Calvin Trillin
%%
I think the first duty of society is justice.
 -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.
 -- Bill Maher
%%
I think their experience with us may have helped their contemptuousness;
 the ignorance they come by naturally.
 -- Chuck McManis (personal communication)
%%
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
 psychiatrist is our "friend."
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't
 hypnotize you.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think the next four years we should try it with no President.
 -- Dana Fradon
%%
I think the problem isn't the amount of knowledge we have to assimilate in
our world, but the rate at which we can assimiliate it. Science, engineering,
and technology do not yield the 'whys' of truth; only the 'hows.' In fact,
they are not truths, but opinions from the current reigning theories of how we
think the physical world works.
 -- Eugene Miya, NASA Ames Research Center
%%
I think there are innumerable gods.  What we here on earth call God is a
little tribal God who has made an awful mess.  Certainly forces operating
trough human consciousness control events.
 -- William S. Buroughs
 -- Paris Review, Fall 1965
%%
I think the reason my parents didn't like me is I was not a good-looking
 kid. My whole family was embarrassed, they didn't want me to be seen ...
 They enrolled me in a school for the blind.
 -- Billy Braver
%%
I think, therefore I add Taglines. ...Often, they're YOURS!
%%
I think, therefore I am a Consumer.
%%
I think, therefore I am confused.
%%
I think, therefore I am... dangerous, that is...
%%
I think, therefore I am. I think.
%%
I think, therefore I am not a feminizt!
%%
I think, therefore I am... not a Republican.
%%
I think, therefore I am NOT in government.
%%
I think, therefore I am obviously overqualified.
%%
I think, therefore I am on-line.
%%
I think, therefore I am. (Or am I?)
%%
I think, therefore I am paid.
%%
I think, therefore I am.
 -- Rene Descartes
%%
I think, therefore I can't be a liberal.
%%
I think, therefore I can't be a Socialist.
 -- Thomas Landsberger
%%
I think therefore I create bugs.
 -- Descartes
%%
I think, therefore I'm liberal.
%%
I think, therefore I'm not an MP.
%%
I think, therefore I'm single.
 -- Lizz Winsteadad
%%
I think, therefore I scan.
%%
I think, therefore I... shoot, was I saying something?
%%
I think, therefore I think I am.
%%
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
 -- Thomas Watson, IBM Founder, 1943
%%
I think there is one smashing rule - never face the facts.
%%
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many
 loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean
 lengthwise loaves.  Otherwise, it makes no sense.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect."  I
 don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
 "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.   You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%%
I think the world is run by C students.
 -- Al McGuire
%%
I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
  and death --
And make them spend it on life.
 -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
%%
I think they will be very effective in keeping Catholic legislators away
 from the Communion rail.
 -- Idaho Senator Mike Blackbird, about ecclesiastical sanctions against
      politicians
%%
I think thinking is so important.
%%
I think this country would be in much better shape if all liberal arts
 majors agreed to get a good grip on algebra and trigonometry, if not calculus,
 and all engineering/science majors agreed to get a good grip on literature,
 art, music, etc.
 -- John Keppy ([e-mail])
%%
I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my
 lifetime.
 -- Johnny Legend
%%
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think
we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was
driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
conversation ...
 -- Dave Barry, The Stuff of Etiquette
%%
I think we can break the monopoly of the red Ferrari on the roads and
tracks of the world.  I want to produce the fastest son of a gun I can
for the least money - that's the American style - and I don't think any
country in the world can stop us now
 -- Carroll Shelby
%%
I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not
enough the bad luck of the early worm.
 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Twelfth Night
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
I think we just lost the baby with the bath water.
%%
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW
 -- Pick up line
%%
I think we're back to normality at last.
%%
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
%%
I think we're supposed to READ the messages... :) heh heh
%%
I think we should stop looking for issues to
discuss.  I think we should shut up and get to
work.
 -- Howard Chaykin
%%
I think we've got an eater!
 Are you suggesting.. eating my mother???
 Uhhh - yeah! Not raw, cooked!
 -- Monty Python
%%
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that
says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
I think you enjoyed that, Captain.
You're DAMNED right!
 -- Riker and Picard, "The Ensigns of Command", stardate unknown
%%
I think you had better start lining your hat with tinfoil.
%%
I think you have me confused with someone who gives a shit!
%%
I think you ought to know I'm feeling terribly depressed.
 -- Douglas Adams
 -- The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Marvin
%%
I think you're pretty tough, don't I?
 -- Daffy Duck
%%
I think you should always laugh in bed--people always laugh at me when I'm
 in bed.
 -- Boy George
%%
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down
 and meet them with baseball bats.
 -- Woody Allen, on the KKK
%%
I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the
 Noble sperm bank. Something bothers me about the
 world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading
 pornography and jerking off.
 -- Jane Wagner
%%
I thoroughly disapprove of duels.  If a man should challenge me, I would
  take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place
  and kill him.
 -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
I thot I saw a tweety bird, I did !  I did!
%%
I thought about being Born Again, but my mother refused.
%%
I thought DEL *.* -really- deleted the files!
%%
I thought he was one of the human race - but he is not.
%%
I thought I could do my own small part to save the planet by becoming a
 vegetarian. Actually, I did it not so much because I love animals but
 because I hate plants. I still like to hunt, though. In fact, I've found
 that plants are a lot easier than animals to sneak up on.
 -- A. Whitney Brown
%%
I thought I had a back-up, but she refused to type it in again.
%%
I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
%%
I thought I saw a Puddy Cat.....
%%
I thought it couldn't get worse, but then came Bill Clinton.
%%
I thought it couldn't get worse, but then came Ross Perot.
%%
I thought I told you to SHUT UP!
 -- Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman
%%
I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on.
 -- Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red Sea
%%
I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture.
%%
I thought I was dead once, then I found out I was just in Mississippi.
%%
I thought I was going to die.
Impossible, you were never alone.
 -- Kirk & Spock, "The Final Frontier,"  stardate 8451.1.
%%
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
%%
I thought my mother was a bad cook, but at least her gravy used to move
 about.
 -- Tony Hancock
%%
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were
  right, they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its
  pleasures.  I feel it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer
  rewards.
 -- Apella, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
%%
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand
 through it.
%%
I thought only women wore pumps.
%%
I thought "PAGAN" meant "PARTY"??????
%%
I thought RAMDISK was an installation process !!
%%
I thought that they were angels.  But, to my surprise,
 they climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies.
%%
I thought that you thought... must be mistaken.
%%
I thought, therefore I was.
%%
I thought thy bride-bed to have deck'd, sweet maid,
And not have strew'd thy grave.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
I thought up a great tagline, but it was a sight gag.
%%
I thought upon one pair of English legs
Did march three Frenchmen.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Henry V
 -- Act iii, Sc. 6
%%
I thought you and he were hand-in-glove.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Polite Conversation, Dialogue ii
%%
I thought you had the plane tickets!
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
I thought you said, "grand illusion," not "grand delusion!"
%%
I thought you said that your dog does not bite! -- It's not my dog.
%%
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
%%
I thought you were dead...
%%
I thought you were insufferable. Now you'll just suffer.
%%
I thought you were the one with brains....
 -- Travis (to Avon)
Brains. But no heart....
 -- Avon
%%
I thought you were trying to get into shape.
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
%%
I threw caution to the wind.  It threw it back.  I ducked.
%%
I threw caution to the wind....it threw up!
%%
I thrive on stress.
%%
I throw pennies away...
%%
It hurteth not the toung to give faire words.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. ix
%%
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
%%
I, thus neglecting worldly ends, all dedicated
To closeness and the bettering of my mind.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Tempest
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
...it increases my paranoia like looking in my mirror and seeing a
 police car--but I'm not giving in an inch to fear.
 -- David Crosby
%%
It is a bad plan that admits of no modification.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 469
%%
It is a blessed thing that in every age someone has had the individuality
enough and courage enough to stand by his own convictions.
 -- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
 It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that
 encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice
 witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
 -- televangelist Marion "Pat" Robertson,
                   speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment
%%
It is absolutely no problem to stop smoking.
 It is only a question of HOW OFTEN!
 -- Manfred Groesche
%%
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.
People are either charming or tedious.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.
Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead
of theories to suit facts.
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Sherlock Holmes: Scandal in Bohemia"
%%
It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about
 them.
 -- Dame Rose Macaulay
%%
It is a condition which confronts us--not a theory.
 -- Grover Cleveland (1837-1908)
 -- Annual Message, 1887
%%
It is a consolation to the wretched to have companions in misery.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 995
%%
It is a conspiracy.
%%
It is a damn poor mind indeed which can't think of at least two ways
to spell any word.
 -- Andrew Jackson, 1833
%%
It is a deere collop
That is cut out of th' owne flesh.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part i, Chap. x
%%
It is a difficult task, O citizens, to make speeches to the belly,
which has no ears.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Marcus Cato
%%
It is a difficult thing for a man to resist the natural necessity
of mortal passions.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of those whom God is slow to punish
%%
It is a double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
 -- J. de La Fontaine (1621-1695)
 -- The Cock and the Fox, Book ii, Fable 15
%%
It is a fact, Jamie, that I do tend to get involved with things.
 -- Doctor, The War Games
%%
It is a fairly good sign that you are obsessive-compulsive when you don't
 celebrate Ash Wednesday by receiving ashes because you don't want to get
 your forehead dirty.
%%
It is a faith (not always justified) of theoretical physics that if man
 proposes what is sufficiently elegant, nature, pleased and flattered, will
 say yes.
 -- Leon N. Cooper, Introduction To The Meaning & Structure Of Physics
%%
It is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merry Wives of Windsor
 -- Act i, Sc. 1
%%
It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a
far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.
 -- Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
%%
It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than
to put out on the troubled seas of thought.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
It is a foolish man who tests the depth of the river with both feet at the
 same time. Often this person tests just one river.
%%
It is a foule byrd that fyleth his owne nest.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. v
%%
It is, after all,  only a moment in the infinity of time.
%%
It is a fundamental law of nature that nothing ever quite works out.
 -- Murphy's Seventh Law
%%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
 program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
 organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
 self-critical?
 -- Alan Perlis
%%
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
%%
It is against the law to use occupied clothing for target practice.
%%
It is against the nature of man as he grows older ... to protest against
change, particularly change for the better.
 -- John Steinbeck (1902-1968)
%%
It is a good answer which knows how to stop.
%%
It is a good divine that follows his own instructions.
 -- William Shakespeare
%%
It is a good idea, particularly when you are doing the eyes, to get the
 sitter to look at you. In this way the portrait will look in every
 direction and at everyone who looks at it. This is something much praised
 by those who do not understand how it is done.
 -- Antonio Palomino y Velasco
%%
It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about
 the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic.
 Don't be shy! After all you're paying for it.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
It is a good morning exercise for a research scientist to discard a pet
 hypothesis every day before breakfast.  It keeps him young.
 -- Konrad Lorenz
%%
It is a good point of cunning for a man to shape the answer he would
have in his own words and propositions, for it makes the other party
stick the less.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Cunning
%%
It is a good rule of health that tells us that we should eat not one ounce
 more at any given meal than we are able to bench press easily.
%%
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
Bartlett's Familiar Quotations is an admirable work, and I studied it
intently.  The quotations when engraved upon the memory give you good
thoughts.  They also make you anxious to read the authors and look for
more.
 -- Sir Winston Spencer Churchill  1874-1965,
 -- Roving Commission: My Early Life [1930]
%%
It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true.
 -- George Santayana
%%
It is a great and dangerous error to suppose that all people are
equally entitled to liberty.
 -- John C. Calhoun
%%
It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself. For an actor,
 however, it is absolutely essential.
 -- Robert Morley
%%
It is a great misfortune neither to have enough wit to talk well
nor enough judgement to be silent.
 -- Jean de La Brupere
%%
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially
  if they're attractive in some way.
 -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
%%
It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be
happy without money.
 -- Albert Camus
%%
It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast
 to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic
 skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for
 that little tiny jar.
 -- Jane Goodsell
%%
"It is alarming and also nauseating to see Mr. Gandhi, a seditious
Middle Temple lawyer, now posing as a fakir of a type well known in
the East, striding half-naked up the steps of the Viceregal palace,
while he is still organising and conducting a campaign of civil disobedience,
to parley on equal terms with the representative of King-Emperor."
 -- Winston Churchill,
 -- speech to the West Essex Conservatives, February 23, 1930
%%
It is alleged that when Einstein and his wife visited the Mount
Wilson Observatory in California, Mrs. Einstein pointed to a particularly
complex piece of equipment and asked its purpose. Their guide said
that it was used to determine the shape of the universe. "Oh," she
said, not at all impressed, "my husband uses the back of an old
envelope to work that out."
%%
It is all one to me if a man comes from Sing Sing or Harvard.
We hire a man, not his history.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
It is almost as difficult to make a man unlearn his errors as his knowledge.
%%
It is almost impossible systematically to constitute a natural moral
law. Nature has no principles. She furnishes us with no reason to
believe that human life is to be respected. Nature, in her indifference
makes no distinction between good and evil.
%%
It is almost sure death to eat cucumbers and drink milk at the same meal.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
It is a lot more fun to suspect someone of something than to know the true
 facts of the case under discussion.
%%
It is also very important for you to know that, during the course of your
 lifetime, you will generate some 8,000 gallons of saliva, at the rate of
 some 3 pints a day. Remember not to druel!
%%
It is a luxury to be understood.
 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is
 absolutely fatal.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It is always a valid assumption to assume that your assumption was invalid.
%%
It is always best and safest to count on nothing from the Americans but
 words.
 -- Neville Chamberlain
%%
It is always best not to tell people of your troubles.  Half of them are
not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming
to you.
%%
It is always better to discuss what is right, rather than who is wrong.
%%
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men
%%
It is always better to trust your dog, rather than your neighbors.
 -- Walton
%%
It is always darkest just before the day dawneth.
 -- Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
%%
It is always darkest just before you turn on the lights.
%%
It is always good
When a man has two irons in the fire.
 -- Francis Beaumont (1586-1616)
 -- The Faithful Friends, Act i, Sc. 2
%%
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will not be
pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in
the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ...
 -- Playboy, January 1983
%%
It is always right that a man should be able to render a reason for
the faith that is within him.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 53
%%
It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you
 are an exceptionally good liar.
 -- Jerome K. Jerome
%%
It is a maxim of old that among themselves all things are common to friends.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Adelphoe, Act v, Sc. 3, 18, (803.)
%%
It is a maxim, that those to whom everybody allows the second place
have an undoubted title to the first.
 -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
 -- Tale of a Tub, Dedication
%%
It is a maxim universally agreed upon in agriculture, that nothing
must be done too late; and again, that everything must be done at
its proper season; while there is a third precept which reminds us
that opportunities lost can never be regained.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book xviii, Sect. 44
%%
It is a maxim with me that no man was ever written out of reputation
but by himself.
 -- Richard Bentley (1662-1742)
 -- Monk's Life of Bentley, Page 90
%%
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the
  credit.
 -- Harry S. Truman
%%
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted
from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels,
in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act iv, Sc. 1
%%
It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations.
 -- Charles Dickens, Bleak House
%%
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
 -- Albert Einstein -
%%
It is a miserable thing to live in suspense, it is the life of the spider.
 -- Jonathan Swift
%%
It is a mistake for a sculptor or a painter to speak or write very often
 about his job. It releases tension needed for his work.
 -- Henry Moore
%%
 It is a mistake to allow any mechanical
 object to realize that you are in a hurry.
 -- Ralph's Observation
%%
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.
 -- Murphy's Thirty-First Law
%%
It is a mistake to assume that in order to give an immortal speech, it must
 also be eternal.
%%
It is a mistake to believe that a science consists in nothing but conclusively
proved propositions, and it is unjust to demand that it should. It is a demand
only from those who feel a craving for authority in some form and a need to
replace the religious catechism by something else, even it it be a scientific
one.
 -- Sigmund Freud
%%
It is a mistake to suppose that God is only, or even chiefly, concerned with
religion.
 -- Archbishop William Temple
 -- 1955
%%
    It is a mistake to think of all demons as being exactly alike. Some are
short while others are tall; some are yellow, others are blue; some are nasty
and others are extremely nasty. Some of the nastiest are quite fast as well.
Should you encounter one of these, it is a mistake to think at all. Much more
appropriate are such responses as running, screaming, and the very rapid
formation of a last will and testament.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IX
%%
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
It is a mite discouraging when someone has an hourglass figure and a face
 that would stop a clock.
%%
It is a most mortifying reflection for a man to consider what he has
done, compared to what he might have done.
 -- Samuel Johnson, Boswell's Life, 1770
%%
It is amusing for someone accustomed to the traffic in New York to
hear residents of places like Houston and Atlanta complain about
congestion on the highways. Imagine, in rush hour they have to slow
down to 35 miles an hour!
 -- Barry Bruce-Briggs
%%
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
 -- Voltaire
%%
It is an historical  botch  to  require  specification  of
object, radix, and sign representation in a single character argument.
 -- Unix Manual, od(1)
%%
It is an immense advantage to have done nothing, but one should not abuse
 it.
 -- Comte de Rivarol
%%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always as they
 seem.
 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
 -- Douglas Adams "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
 -- Encyclopedia Glactica, Vol 177, pg 14395.3
%%
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be
 thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
 -- Voltaire
%%
It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces.
 -- William H. Seward (1801-1872)
 -- Speech, Oct. 25, 1858
%%
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
 -- Ovid [43B.C. - A.D.18]
%%
It is an odd thing, but everyone who disappears is said to be seen at
San Francisco.  It must be a delightful city, and possess all the
attractions of the next world.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It is an unhappy lot which finds no enemies.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 499
%%
It is a point of wisdom to be silent when occasion requires, and better
than to speak, though never so well.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%%
It is a poor sport that is not worth the candle.
 -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
 -- Jacula Prudentum
%%
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
 -- Willie Sutton
%%
It is a real waste of time taking kids to a zoo that is without a vacancy.
%%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
 classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%%
It is a sad fact that 50% of marriages in this country end in
 divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the
 lucky ones!
 -- Richard Jeni
%%
It is a secret known to but a few, yet no small use in the conduct
of life, that if you fall into a man's conversation, the first thing
you should consider is, whether he has a greater inclination to hear
you, or that you should hear him.
 -- Steele
%%
It is as if I were attempting to trace with the point of a pencil the
 shadow of the tracing pencil
 -- Nathaniel West
%%
It is a sin peculiar to people to hate their victims.
%%
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had
been dead for two years.
 -- Tom Lehrer
%%
It is a socialist idea that making profits is a vice.
I consider the real vice is making losses.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
It is a sorry time in life when nobody asks you to "act your age," any
 longer, for fear you will!
%%
It is a special trick of low cunning to squeeze out knowledge from
a modest man, who is eminent in any science, and then to use it as
legally acquired, and pass the source in total silence.
 -- Horace Walpole
%%
It is asserted that the dogs keep running when they drink at the Nile,
for fear of becoming a prey to the voracity of the crocodile.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book viii, Sect. 148
%%
It is astonishing with how little wisdom mankind can be governed,
when that little wisdom is its own.
 -- W. R. Inge
%%
It is as useless to argue with those that have renounced the use
and authority of reason as to administer medication to the dead.
 -- Thomas Paine
%%
It is a thing of no great difficulty to raise objections against another
man's oration,--nay, it is a very easy matter; but to produce a better
in its place is a work extremely troublesome.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of Hearing, 6
%%
It is a time for a new generation ofleadership, to cope with new problems and
new opportunities.For there is a new world to be won.
 -- John F. Kennedy
%%
It is at least some sort of indication that you should go on a diet when it
 is necessary for you to let the shower curtain out several notches!
%%
It is at night that faith in light is admirable.
 -- Edmond Rostand
%%
It is a toss-up for be between movies that have a happy ending and movies
 that I am happy to see end.
%%
It is a true proverb, that if you live with a lame man you will learn to halt.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
It is a true saying that a man must eat a peck of salt with his friend
before he knows him.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. i
%%
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possesion
of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.
 -- Jane Austen (1775-1817)
%%
It is a very good world to live in,
To lend, or to spend, or to give in;
But to beg or to borrow, or to get a man's own,
It is the very worst world that ever was known.
%%
It is a very hard undertaking to seek to please everybody.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 675
%%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it
is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The manager of
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they could write
the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months, three more
than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they could prepare
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.  Furthermore, if
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs
for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would
also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and it was.  He
was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it
added a year to debugging time.
 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%%
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless
  information.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as
it is to be angry with a car that won't go.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
%%
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice
 -- Act ii, Sc. 2
%%
It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to
keep unmarried as long as he can.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman"
%%
It is a wonderful thing to look a hotel detective in the
eye.
 -- ibid.
%%
It is a world to see.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), Page 116
%%
It is bad form to use floor wax on your teeth so you can be a smooth
 talker.
%%
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
 -- Andrew W. Mathis
%%
It is bad manners to use a wand in a shop.
%%
It is because of your disillusionments that you fly.... Here then is
the dragonfly with its four wings, full of confidence and joy, and
I am at the double junction of the wings.
 -- Esther Rochon/ Henry Polard
%%
It is because the people are civilized, that they are with safety armed.
 -- Joel Barlow
%%
IT IS BELIEVED THAT
I think
 -- Research definitions
%%
It is best to hope only for things possible and probable; he that hopes
too much shall deceive himself at last; especially if his industry does
not go along with his hopes; for hope without action is a barren undoer.
 -- Feltham
%%
It is better for a city to be governed by a good man than by good laws.
 -- Aristotle
%%
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
 coming up it.
 -- Henry Allen
%%
It is better for one's reputation to fail conventionally than to succeed
 unconventionally.
 -- John Maynard Kyenes
%%
It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
%%
It is better not to express what one means than to express what one does not
mean.
%%
It is better not to live at all than to live disgraced.
 -- Sophocles (496-406 BC)
 -- Peleus, Frag. 445
%%
It is better that ten guilty persons escape
than one innocent suffer.
 -- Sir William Blackstone (1723-80.)
%%
It is better to be a coward for a minute
than dead the rest of your life.
 -- Italian Proverb
%%
It is better to be a has-been than one who never was.
%%
It is better to be always on your guard than to suffer once.
%%
It is better to be
An old man's derling than a yong man's werling.
 -- John Heywood (c. 1565)
 -- Proverbes, Part ii, Chap. vii
%%
It is better to be at the head of the jackals than the tail of the lions.
%%
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good
 than to be ugly.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It is better to be brief than boring.
%%
It is better to be deceived by a friend, than to suspect him.
%%
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
 -- Arthur Calwell
%%
It is better to be defeated standing for a high principle than to run by
committing subterfuge.
 -- President Grover Cleveland
%%
It is better to be feared than loved, more prudent to be cruel than
compassionate.
 -- Niccolo Machievelli
%%
It is better to be good than original.
%%
It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you
are not.
 -- Andre Gide
%%
It is better to be looked over than over looked.
%%
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
%%
It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than
to have an opportunity and not be prepared.
 -- Whitney Young, Jr.
%%
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
 -- Tom Stoppard
%%
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
 -- Dave Barry
%%
It is better to be silent and be real, than to talk and be unreal.
 -- Ignatius Martyr
%%
It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXVIII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than
to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
%%
It is better to copulate than never.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
It is better to debate a question without settling it
than to settle a question without debating it.
 -- Joseph Joubert
%%
It is better to decide between our enemies than our friends; for
one of our friends will most likely become our enemy; but on the
other hand, one of your enemies will probably become your friend.
 -- Bias
%%
It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not
to deserve them.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
%%
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling
woman in a wide house.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xxi, 9
%%
It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.
 -- Herman Melville
%%
It is better to feed one cat than many mice.
%%
It is better to go into a corner slow and come out fast,
 than to go into a corner fast and come out dead.
 -- Stirling Moss
%%
It is better to go skiing and think of God, than go to church and think
of sport.
 -- Fridtjof Nansen (1861-1930),
 -- Norwegian polar explorer, international humanitarian
%%
It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house
of feasting.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Ecclesiastes vii, 2
%%
It is better to have a little than nothing.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 484
%%
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
 -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
It is better to have flunked your Wasserman test than never to have
loved at all.
%%
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
 -- James Thurber
%%
It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.
 -- Volley Theory
%%
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
 -- Samuel Butler
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have
loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than to have had your hand
 stuck in a blender.
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost.
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and married.
 -- Brother Sammy Shore
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it.
 -- Hiram Kasten
%%
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
%%
It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
%%
It is better to have nothing to do than to be doing nothing.
 -- Attilus
%%
It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but
the result's the same.
 -- Mike Dennison
%%
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
%%
It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
 -- Josh Billings
%%
It is better to know useless things than to know nothing.
%%
It is better to laugh about your problems than to cry about them.
 -- OLD JEWISH PROVERB
%%
It is better to lead the revolution than to be caught by it.
%%
It is better to learn late than never.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 864
%%
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
 -- Chinese proverb
%%
It is better to limp all the way to heaven, than not to get there at all.
 -- William Sunday
%%
It is better to live happily in risk, than depressed in safety.
%%
It is better to lose an instant of your life, than your life in an instant.
 -- Italian Bumper Sticker
%%
It is better to lose health like a spendthrift than to waste it like a
 miser, better to live and be done with it, than to die daily in the sick
 room.
 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
%%
It is better to marry than to burn.
 -- Bible, "I Corinthians" ch. 7, v. 9
%%
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
 -- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
%%
It is better to place a fence at the edge of a cliff than to have
an ambulance waiting at the bottom.
%%
It is better to prevent crimes thatn to punish them.
%%
It is better to shred the bugger than to bugger the shredder.
 -- Ancient Doltic proverb
%%
It is better to solve a problem with a crude approximation
and know the truth, plus or minus 10 percent, than to demand
an exact solution and not know the truth at all.
 -- Thumb's First Postulate
%%
It is better to sound a person with whom one deals afar off, than
to fall upon the point at first.
 -- Fred Bacon
%%
It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes
cheated than not to trust.
 -- Samuel Johnson
%%
It is better to trip and end up on the floor, than to
not trip and end up on the floor for no particular reason
%%
It is better to vote for someone you like and have them not elected
than to vote for someone you dislike and have them elected.
%%
It is better to wear out than to forget.
%%
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
 -- Richard Cumberland (1631-1718)
 -- in G. Horne The Duty of Contending for the Faith (1786) p. 21, n.
%%
It is beyond your power to do that.
%%
It is broke.  It will not work.  It does not go.
%%
It is but poor eloquence, which only shows that the orator can talk.
 -- Sir Joshua Reynolds
%%
It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.
 -- Anatole France
%%
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
It is by the beans of Java(tm) that thoughts acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
%%
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.  It is by the Coca-Cola
that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become
a warning.  It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.
%%
It is by discourse that men associate; and words are imposed according to
the apprehension of the vulgar. And therefore the ill and unfit choice of
words wonderfully obsesses the understanding. Nor do the definitions or
explanations, wherewith in some things learned men are wont to guard and
defend themselves, by any means set the matter right. But words plainly
force and overrule the understanding, and throw all into confusion, and
lead men away into innumerable and inane controversies and fancies.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you
might somehow be happy. Until you make room in your life for someone as
important to you as yourself, you will always be searching and lost ...
 -- Richard Bach, Spoken by Leslie Parrish, The Bridge Across Forever
%%
It is by presence of mind in untried emergencies that the native metal
of a man is tested.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- My Study Windows, Abraham Lincoln, 1864
%%
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience,
and the prudence never to practice either of them.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree.  For if,
 by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never
 agree.
 -- Charles Baudelaire
%%
It is by will alone that I set my mind in motion.
 -- Mentat Prayer
%%
    . . . it is certain that the real function of art is to
increase our self-consciousness; to make us more aware of what
we are, and therefore of what the universe in which we live
really is.  And since mathematics, in its own way, also
performs this function, it is not only aesthetically charming
but profoundly significant.  It is an art, and a great art.
 -- John W.N. Sullivan
%%
It is circumstance and proper measure that give an action its character,
and make it either good or bad.
 -- Life of Agesilaus II
%%
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
 -- Voltaire
%%
It is coming up to March again, and Oral Roberts is looking for someone to
 hold him hostage. God didn't want the job. God punished him for what he did
 the last time by leaving Oral in Oklahoma. Oklahoma is a wonderful place to
 be if there is nowhere else to go.
%%
It is common for those that are farthest from God, to boast themselves
most of their being near to the Church.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Jeremiah vii
%%
It is commonly not your practice to make up your mind until the very
last minute.
%%
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it frankly
and try another.  But above all, try something.
 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%%
It is considered bad form to microwave an unopened can of spinish on any
 Friday, the l3th, no matter the month. It is, however, one of the quickest
 ways in which to redecorate your kitchen inexpensively.
%%
It is considered bad form, when in the presence of Imelda Marcos, to say
 "If the shoe fits, wear it!"
%%
It is courage the world needs, not infallibility ... courage is always
the surest wisdom.
 -- Sir Wilfred Grenfell
%%
It is customary for a decimal to be misplaced.
%%
"It is customary in these situations for the
developer of the plan to explain it."
"It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain how HE figured it out!"
 -- Steve Martin and Carl Reiner battle it out, in DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID
%%
It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the
  bridesmaid...I assume you wish to honour this...?
...I do.
 -- Melchett and Baldrick : Bells
%%
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established
authorities are wrong.
 -- Voltaire
%%
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
 -- Voltaire
%%
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
 -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
It is difficult for me to agree that muggers should be flogged, or that
 floggers should be mugged.
%%
It is difficult for me to comprehend the fact that some people actually
do not consider all uses of explosives to be recreational.
 -- Ragnar Benson
%%
It is difficult for sorrow to intrude on a busy life.
%%
It is difficult to feel sorry for yourself after you watch a soap opera.
%%
It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less
difficult to know that it has begun.
 -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
%%
It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the
future, and impossible to live in the past.  Nothing is as far away
as one minute ago.
 -- Jim Bishop
%%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
 -- Rod Serling
%%
It is difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
%%
It is difficult to win an argument when your opponent is unencumbered
with a knowledge of the facts.
%%
It is disgusting to note the increase in the quantity of coffee used by
my subjects and the amount of money that goes out of the country in
consequence.  Everybody is using coffee.  If possible, this must be
prevented.  My people must drink beer.
 -- Frederick the Great
%%
 ... it is done by a man who cannot afford to fail, one whose unique
position depends upon the fact that all he does must succeed.  A
great brain and a huge organization have been turned to the extinction
of one man.  It is crushing the nut with the triphammer -- an absurd
extravagance of energy -- but the nut is very effectually crushed
all the same.
 -- Sherlock Holmes
%%
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for
a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xix, 24
%%
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly
greased.
 -- Kehlog Albran, The Profit
%%
It is easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.
%%
It is easier to appear worthy of a position one does not
hold, than of the office which one fills.
 -- Duc de La Rochefoucauld
%%
It is easier to be a humanitarian than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a patriot than to make your community
a better place to live in; it is easier to be a civic leader than to
treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
focus of attention, the harder the task.
 -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it
is more difficult to be wiity every day than to say pretty things from
time to time.
 -- Honore de Balzac
%%
It is easier to buy small plaster models of what you think life is than it is
to live it.
%%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than
 vice versa.
%%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
 -- Alfred Adler
%%
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
 -- William Blake
%%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
 -- Stewart's Law of Retroaction
%%
It is easier to harness human nature than to fight or repress it.
%%
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's neighbor.
 -- Eric Hoffer
%%
It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.
 -- Larry Wall
%%
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
%%
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
%%
It is easier to spout wisdom and appear wise, after the event.
%%
It is easier to stay out than get out.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
%%
It is easy for men to talk one thing and think another.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 322
%%
It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in
solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the
crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.
 -- Emerson
%%
    It is easy-- terribly easy-- to shake a man's faith in
himself.  To take advantage of that to break a man's spirit is
devil's work.  Take care of what you are doing.  Take care.
 -- G.B. Shaw
 -- Candida
%%
It is easy to be tolerant when you do not care.
%%
It is easy to propose impossible remedies.
%%
It is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it
taken from you.
 -- M. Grundler
%%
It is easy to understand God as long as you don't try to explain him.
 -- Joseph Joubert
%%
   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which
all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the
powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that
those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their intensification lead
the individual to forget himself completely. . . .Not only does the
bond between man and man come to be forged once again by the magic of
the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or subjugated nature again
celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, man.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), The Birth of Tragedy
%%
It is enough to fright you out of your seven senses.
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book v, Chap. xv
%%
It is error alone which needs the support of government.  Truth can
stand by itself.
 -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), Notes on Virginia
%%
It is essential that a leader be able to make decisions.
It is helpful, but not essential, that those decisions be correct.
%%
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
%%
It is far easier to be wise for others than to be so for oneself.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
It is far easier to know men than to know man.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
It is far from easy to determine whether she [Nature] has proved to
him a kind parent or a merciless stepmother.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book vii, Sect. 1
%%
It is far more easy to acquire a fortune like a knave than to expend
it like a gentleman.
 -- Colton
%%
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
 your help.
 -- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
%%
It is far safer to be feared than loved.
 -- Machiavelli
%%
It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid
 enough to want the job.
 -- Erma Bombeck
%%
It is faster to make a four-inch mirror then a six-inch mirror than to make
a six-inch mirror.
 -- Thompson's Rule for first-time telescope makers
 -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
It is fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong.
 -- Brother Theodore
%%
It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you.
 -- George Orwell
%%
It is fatuous to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative
maneuvers.
[ you can't teach an old dog new tricks. ]
%%
It is fear that first brought gods into the world.
%%
It is flattering some men to endure them.
%%
It is folly to bolt a door with a boiled carrot.
%%
It is forbidden to decry other sects; the true believer gives honor
to whatever in them is worthy of honor.
 -- Asoka (d. 238 B.C.) Buddhist Emperor of India
 -- Decree (inscription on a pillar)
%%
It is for homely features to keep home,--
They had their name thence; coarse complexions
And cheeks of sorry grain will serve to ply
The sampler and to tease the huswife's wool.
What need a vermeil-tinctur'd lip for that,
Love-darting eyes, or tresses like the morn?
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 748
%%
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
%%
It is frequently easier to be honest when you have nothing
to lose.
%%
It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human
history is shaped.  Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts
to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he
sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a
million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build
a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and
resistance.
 -- Robert F. Kennedy, South Africa, 1966
%%
It is fruitless to become lachrymose over lacteal fluid that is inadvertenly
flowing and hence forfeited.
[ don't cry over spilt milk. ]
%%
It is fun being in the same decade with you.
 -- FDR to Winston Churchill, 1942
%%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you
entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%%
It is generally agreed that those people who agree with you are ranked in
 your mind as intelligent.
%%
IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT
a couple of others guys think so too
 -- Research definitions
%%
It is good for a man to eat thistles and to remember that he is an ass.
 -- E. S. Dallas
%%
It is good for us to be here.
 -- New Testament
 -- Matthew xvii, 4
%%
It is good news, worthy of all acceptation; and yet not too good to be true.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Timothy i
%%
It is good that the young are beautiful; it is the only advantage they have.
 -- The Duchess of Windsor
%%
It is good to be zealously affected always in a good thing.
 -- New Testament
 -- Galatians iv, 18
%%
It is good to get drunk once in a while.
What else is there to do?
 -- Li Yeh (fl. 8th cent.)
 -- "A Greeting to Lu Hung-Chien" in Kenneth Rexroth and Ling Chung
 -- (ed. and tr.) The Orchid Boat, Women Poets of China (1972)
%%
It is good to live and learn.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part ii, Book iii, Chap. xxxii
%%
It is good to see so many young faces in the crowd.
 -- Reinhold Messner
%%
It is good to see you again.
You are still too fat, K'mpec.
 -- K'mpec and Kahlest, "Sins of the Father", stardate 43685.2
%%
    It is great good health to believe, as the Hindus do, that
there are 33 million gods and goddesses in the world.  It is
great good health to want to understand one's dreams.  It is
great good health to desire the ambiguous and paradoxical.  It
is sickness of the profoundest kind to believe that there is
one reality.  There is sickness in any piece of work or any
piece of art seriously attempting to suggest that the idea
that there is more than one reality is somehow redundant.
 -- Clive Barker
%%
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering
my reasons for them.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
 -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
 -- Maxims prefixed to Poor Richard's Almanac, 1757
%%
It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a
room full of cockroaches.
%%
...it is hard for me to see how one can argue that circumstances
have so changed as to make mass disarmament constitutionally unproblematic.
 -- Professor Sanford Levinson,
 -- The Embarrassing Second Amendment,
 -- The Yale Law Journal, Vol 99, No 3, December 1989, p637.
%%
It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts ix, 5
%%
It is hardly possible to suspect another without having in one's
self the seeds of the baseness the other party is accused of.
 -- Stanislaus
%%
It is hard to be brave, when you're only a Very Small Animal.
 -- Piglet, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that
 you would lie if you were in his place.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
It is hard to believe that even his friends like him.
%%
It is hard to change when something has been good for you
for so long.
 -- Thomas Booker, IBM Sales Manager,
       addressing the new IBM (A.D. 1994)
%%
It is hard to claim that you know something about pollution unless you were
 the third kid to use the bathwater at home. This is the ultimate
 qualification.
%%
It is hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
%%
It is hard to keep coming up with original taglines.  I just hate it.
%%
It is hard to know what to do with a pre-shrunk garment that shrinks.
%%
It is hard to let old beliefs go.  They are familiar. We are comfortable
with them and have spent years building systems and developing
habits that depend on them.  Like a man who has worn eyeglasses so
long that he forgets he has them on, we forget that the world looks to
us the way it does because we have become used to seeing it that way
through a particular set of lenses.  Today, however, we need new
lenses.  And we need to throw the old ones away.
 -- Kenich Ohmae
%%
It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius.
 -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899)
%%
It is hard work and great art to make life not so serious. Prostitutes know
this too.
 -- John Irving, The Hotel New Hampshire
%%
It is his life's work to state the obvious in terms of the scandalous.
 -- said of George Bernard Shaw
%%
IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WORK WILL STIMULATED FURTHER RESEARCH IN THE FIELD
this paper is not very good but neither are any of the others in this
miserable subject
 -- Research definitions
%%
It is hot! Turn off mathematic coprocessor!
%%
It is human nature to think wisely & act foolishly.
 -- Anatole France
%%
It is I! Count Taxula, and my faithful servant Algore!
%%
It is I, Dudley Do-right, of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police!
%%
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%%
It is illegal to say Oh, Boy in Jonesboro, Georgia.
%%
It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces" in
Palo Alto.
%%
It is immoral to parent irresponsibly. . . And it doesn't help matters
any when prime time TV, like 'Murphy Brown', a character who is
supposed to represent a successful career woman of today, mocks the
importance of the father by bearing her child alone, claiming that this
is simply another lifestyle choice.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
~
(Rebuttal:) If Mr. Quayle feels that single parenthood is immoral
and that a woman cannot adequately raise a child by herself,
then he should see to it that abortion remains safe and legal in
this country.
 -- Diane English, producer of 'Murphy Brown'
%%
It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current
design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack,
and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy.
 -- B. Hebbard, "A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System",
 -- Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20
%%
It is impossible for a man to love his wife whole-heartedly without loving
all women somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
 -- Coit-Murphy's Statement on the Power of Negative Thinking
%%
It is impossible that anything so natural, so necessary, and so universal
as death, should ever have been designed by Providence as an evil
to pon you and yours from bad to worse.
%%
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
 -- William G. McAdoo
%%
It is impossible to defend perfectly
 against the attack of those who want to die.
%%
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of
 work to do.
 -- Jerome K. Jerome
%%
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
  a tune.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards
 or golf.
 -- H. L. Mencken
%%
It is impossible to know both what a woman is doing or where she is going
at any given instant.
 -- Quantum Mechanics for Women
%%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
 -- Murphy's Law Corollary  8
%%
It is impossible to please all the world and one's father.
 -- J. de La Fontaine (1621-1695)
 -- The Cock and the Fox, Book iii, Fable 1
%%
It is impossible to solve a problem with the
consciousness that created it
%%
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly
  not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor
 of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me
 forever ineligible for public office.
 -- H.L. Mencken
%%
It is in changing that things find repose
 -- Heraclitus
%%
It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system
would see in our species -- which has tended to be cruel, destructive,
wasteful, and irrational -- the crown and apex of cosmic evolution.
Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us
as a transitional species makes more sense -- and gives us more hope.
 -- Betty McCollister, "Our Transitional Species",
 -- Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1
%%
It is inconceivable that three competing networks, working independently in
complete secrecy, could produce by accident twenty-six new series so similar
in quality.
 -- Marvin Kitman
%%
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
%%
It is indeed a desirable thing to be well descended, but the glory
belongs to our ancestors.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Of the Training of Children
%%
It is indeed a great idea to work your way through college with a job, and
 it is even better if the job is still there when you graduate.
%%
It is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life.
The human spirit is never finished when it is defeated...
it is finished when it surrenders.
%%
It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods
of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity
of inquiry.
 -- Albert Einstein, "Autobiographical Notes"
%%
It is in his own interest that a cat purrs.
%%
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.
 -- Irish proverb
%%
It is long and hard and painful to create life; it is short and easy
to steal the life others have made.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
   It is Maya!
   Dost thou not know her?
   Illusion -- dreams -- phantoms.
   But, to the wise, Maya is more.
------------------
   But, to the wise, Maya is more.
   Look around:
   All that thou see'st,
   Trees and shrubs, The grass at thy feet,
   All that walks or creeps,
   All that flies from tree to tree,
   All is unreal: All is Maya.
   Our bodies, our limbs, our very thoughts.
   We ourselves are slaves to Maya.
   What remaineth?  Who can say?
   Love to the lover,
   The child to the mother,
   The song to the singer,
   God to the worshipper;
   These, wandering thro' the world of Maya,
   Are perchance shadows of that which is.
 -- Holst, Savitri (based upon the sanskrit Mahabharata)
%%
It is Maya! Dost thou not know her?
Illusion -- dreams -- phantoms.
But, to the wise, Maya is more.
 -- Holst, Savitri
%%
It is meaningless to speak of domesticating a cat.
%%
It is meaningless to speak of domesticating a child.
%%
It is meat and drink to me.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), As You Like It
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
It is meat, drink,
 -- Francis Rabelais (1495-1553)
 -- Works, Book v, Chap. vii
%%
It is morally wrong to allow a naive person to keep their money.
 -- SALESMAN'S MOTTO
%%
It is more blessed to give than to receive.
 -- New Testament
 -- Acts xx, 35
%%
It is more dignified for me to tell you that we are moving in cycles than
 to come right out and tell you the honest truth - we are running around in
 circles!
%%
It is more easy to get a favour from fortune than to keep it.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 282
%%
It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult
words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"
 -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to
labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.
 -- Dag Hammarsskjold
%%
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
 -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
%%
It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be
deceived by them.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
"It is more than a crime; it is a political fault,"
 -- Joseph Fouche (1763-1820)
 -- Memoirs of Fouche
%%
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they
 are alone.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It is most difficult to acquire wisdom without first having survived a
 whole mine field filled with folly.
%%
It is most difficult to meet anyone who does not like a yes man or woman.
%%
It is most distressing to us to be the agents whereby
our erring fellow creatures are deprived of that liberty
which is so dear to us all--but we should have thought of
that before we joined the force
%%
It is most true, stylus virum arguit,--our style bewrays us.
 -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
 -- Anatomy of Melancholy, Democritus to the Reader
%%
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
offense consists in doubting it.
 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
%%
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
 -- Benjamin Disraeli (Earl Beaconsfield) (1805-1881)
 -- Speech, Jan. 24, 1860
%%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
 the problem.
%%
It is much harder to accomplish something when you set out to do it without
 any idea of what it is you want to do.
%%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
 -- Jules Becker
%%
It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
It is much safer to obey than to rule.
 -- Thomas A. Kempis
%%
It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
%%
It is my living sentiment, and by the blessing of God it shall be
my dying sentiment,--Independence now and Independence forever.
 -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
 -- Eulogy on Adams and Jefferson, Aug. 2, 1826, p. 136
%%
It is my misfortune - and probably my delight - to use things as my
passions tell me. What a miserable fate for a painter who adores blondes to
have to stop himself putting them into a picture because they don't go with
the basket of fruit! ... I put all the things I like into my pictures. The
things - so much the worse for them. They just have to put up with it.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
"It is my opinion that the use of this barbarous weapon at Hiroshima
and Nagasaki was of no material assistance in our war against Japan.
 The Japanese were already defeated and ready to surrender because
of the effective sea blockade and the successful bombing with conventional
weapons.  ...The lethal possibilities of atomic warfare in the future
are frightening.  My own feeling was that in being the first to use
it, we had adopted an ethical standard common to the barbarians of
the Dark Ages.  I was not taught to make war in that fashion, and
wars cannot be won by destroying women and children.  We were the
first to have this weapon in our possession, and the first to use
it.  There is a practical certainty that potential enemies will have
it in the future and that atomic bombs will some
time be used against us."
 -- Admiral William D. Leahy,
 -- Chief of Staff to Presidents Roosevelt and Truman, I Was There, 1950
%%
It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer; but when he is gone his
way, then he boasteth.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Proverbs xx, 14
%%
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
 I have to beat somebody.
 -- Richard M Nixon
%%
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
 -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
        It is necessary to get behind someone before you can
         stab them in the back.
 -- Sir Humphrey
%%
It is necessary to have purpose.
 -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
%%
It is necessary to restate the President's viewpoint very clearly, and
that is that we are a party that is diversified.  We are a party that,
though we have a position on abortion, that those who disagree with us
should not feel excluded because of that issue.  We do, in former
Chairman Lee Atwater's words, offer the party as a big tent, and
therefore that message has to be clear.  How we do that within the
platform, the preamble to the platform or whatnot, remains to be seen,
but the message will have to be articulated with great clarity.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation,
which give happiness.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
It is never clear just how many hands or minds are needed to carry
out a particular process. Nevertheless, anyone having supervisory
responsibility for the completion of the task will invariably protest
that his staff is too small for the assignment.
 -- Andrew Hacker
%%
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
 -- Farmer's Almanac, 1995
%%
It is never too late to fall in love.
 -- Sandy Wilson
%%
It is never too late to give up your prejudices.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
It is nice to be content in a little house by the side of the road,
but a split-level in suburbia is a lot more comfortable.
 -- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
It is no act of common passage, but
A strain of rareness.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Cymbeline
 -- Act iii, Sc. 4
%%
It is no disgrace not to be able to do everything; but to undertake,
or pretend to do, what you are not made for, is not only shameful,
but extremely troublesome.
 -- Plutarch
%%
It is no good trying to teach people who need to be taught
 -- Aleister Crowley
%%
It is no great wonder if in long process of time, while fortune takes
her course hither and thither, numerous coincidences should spontaneously
occur. If the number and variety of subjects to be wrought upon be
infinite, it is all the more easy for fortune, with such an abundance
of material, to effect this similarity of results.
 -- Plutarch (46-120 AD)
 -- Life of Sertorius
%%
It is no longer correct to regard higher education solely as a privilege.
It is a basic right in today's world.
 -- Norman Cousins
%%
It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and
unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings.
 -- Bronwyn Davies
%%
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
 -- Krishnamurti
%%
It is no pleasure to build a web and catch only flies when one knows
there is a wasp about.
%%
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
%%
It is not a good omen when the lady of your dreams shows up at the court
 house for the wedding wearing designer jeans, and the designer is a man
 whose name is Frigidaire.
%%
It is not a good omen when the person of your dreams whom you have just met
 says "Don't go away, I like being alone."
%%
It is not always advantageous to attack your opponent.
 -- German proverb
%%
It is not always a good idea to whistle for your dog.
%%
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is
because we do not dare that things are difficult.
 -- Seneca
%%
It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that make horseraces.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), from Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar(1894)
%%
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
 -- Abraham Lincoln
%%
It is not by the importation of gold and silver, that the discovery
of America has enriched Europe.  ...The commodities of Europe were
almost all new to America, and many of those of America were new to
Europe.  A new set of exchanges, therefore, began to take place which
had never been thought of before, and which should naturally have
proved as advantageous to the new, as it certainly did to the old
continent.  The savage injustice of the Europeans rendered an event,
which ought to have been beneficial to all, ruinous and destructive
to several of those unfortunate countries.
 -- Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations, 1776
%%
It is not considered good judgement for you to attempt tying your shoelaces
 when coming down the ladder on the fire escape.
%%
It is not considered safe to ask a waitress you do not know well if she has
 frog's legs. Even if you know her well, this question can be the cause of
 serious injury.
%%
It is not doing the thing we like to do,
but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.
 -- Goethe
%%
It is not down on any map; true places never are.
%%
It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result
 is twins.
 -- Chinese Proverb
%%
It is not enough to aim; you must hit.
 -- Italian Proverb
%%
It is not enough to do the right thing; one must also do it the right way.
%%
It is not enough to have crashed the system.  You must also have Talent!
%%
It is not enough to have knowledge, one must also apply it.  It is not
enough to have wishes, one must also accomplish.
 -- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
%%
It is not enough to prove something, one also has to seduce or elevate
people to it.  That is why the man of knowledge should learn how to
speak his wisdom: and often in such a way that it sounds like folly!
 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%%
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
 -- Gore Vidal
%%
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 581
%%
It is not fit the public trusts should be lodged in the hands of any,
till they are first proved and found fit for the business they are
to be entrusted with.
 -- Mathew Henry (1662-1714)
 -- Commentaries, Timothy iii
%%
It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the
baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own
self-interest.  We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to
their self-love, and never talk to them of our own neccessities but
of their advantages.
 -- Adam Smith
%%
It is not going to be a good day when you ask the mechanic for an estimate
 and he says he has to go inside for a larger calculator.
%%
It is not going to be the best of years when you discover that your son,
 the football star, has had his ears pierced and is stealing earrings from
 his grandmother.
%%
It is not good for man to achieve all they wish.
 -- Heraclitus
%%
It is not good that the man should be alone.
 -- Old Testament
 -- Genesis iii, 18
%%
It is not good to try to lead people by hitting them over the head, but for
 some few, having a bat handy is helpful, just in case.
%%
It is not honest to be tactful.
 -- Robert Taft
%%
It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that makes happiness.
%%
It is not impossible to govern the Italians, it is merely useless.
%%
It is not in life but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.
George Woodcock
%%
It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
 -- Shakespeare
%%
It is not I who am CRAZY...It is I who am MAD!
 -- Ren Hoek
%%
It is not logical, but it is often true...
%%
It is not love of self, but hatred of self which is at the root of
the troubles that afflict the world.
 -- Eric Hoffer
%%
It is not necessary to be a moron to have decision power, but it
greatly helps.
%%
It is not necessary to fall into a well to know its depth.
%%
It is not necessary to light a candle to the sun.
 -- Algernon Sidney (1622-1683)
 -- Discourses on Government, Chap. ii, Sect. xxiii
%%
It is not nor it cannot come to good.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet
 -- Act i, Sc. 2
%%
It is not only [the juror's] right, but his duty, in that case, to
find the verdict according to his own best understanding, judgement,
and conscience, though in direct opposition to the direction of the court.
 -- John Adams, 1771
%%
It is not possible to both understand and appreciate Intel CPUs.
 -- D. Wolfskill
%%
It is not possible to convey sarcasm to certain members of the
 net without using a 2x4.  The smiley face merely reminds them
 of why their head is being dented.
 -- John Woods
%%
It is not possible to found lasting power or treachery, purjery and
 dishonesty.
%%
It is not poverty so much as pretence that harasses a ruined man- the struggle
between a proud mind and an empty purse- the keeping up a hollow show that must
soon come to an end. Have the courage to appear poor, and you disarm poverty of
its sharpest sting.
 -- Mrs. Jameson
%%
It is not power itself, but the legitimization of the lust for power which
corrupts absolutely.
%%
... it is not really difficult to construct a series of inferences,
each dependent upon its predecessor and each simple in itself.    If,
after doing so, one simply knocks out all the central inferences and
presents one's audience with the starting-point and the conclusion, one
may produce a startling, though possibly a meretricious, effect.  Now
it was not really difficult, by an inspection of the groove between
your left forefinger and thumb, to feel sure that you did not propose
to invest your small capital in the gold fields ...
 -- Sherlock Holmes in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Dancing Men"
%%
It is not reasonings that are wanted now; for there are books stuffed
full of stoical reasonings.
 -- Epictetus (c. 60 AD)
 -- Of Courage,
 -- Discourses, Book i, Chap. xxix
%%
It is not resultful to transform one part of speech into another
by prefixing, suffixing, or other alterings.
%%
It is not strength, but art, obtains the prize,
And to be swift is less than to be wise.
'T is more by art than force of num'rous strokes.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Iliad of Homer, Book xxiii, Line 383
%%
It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the
ridiculous and shameful.
 -- Jean Jacques Rousseau
%%
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the
strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them
better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort
without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do
the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who
spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end
the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails,
at least he fails while daring greatly.  So that his place shall never
be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt, "Man in the Arena" Speech given April 23, 1910
%%
It is not the disease but neglect of the remedy which generally destroys life.
%%
It is not the employer that pays the wages -- he only handles the money.
It is the product that pays wages.
 -- Henry Ford
%%
  It is not the fact of liberty but the way in which liberty is
  exercised that ultimately determines whether liberty itself
  survives...  When liberty is taken away by force it can be
  restored by force.  When it is relinquished voluntarily by
  default it can never be recovered.
 -- Dorothy Thompson, American journalist, author (1894-1961)

%%
It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats.
 -- Russian proverb
%%
It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.
 -- Sir Edmund Hillary
%%
It is not the oath that makes us believe the man, but the man the oath.
 -- Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
 -- Frag. 385
%%
It is not the person who fouled up and was found guilty that will be
 remembered. It is the person who warned about the difficulty that will.
%%
It is not the quality of the meat, but the cheerfulness of the guests,
that makes the feast.
 -- Lord Clarendon
%%
... it is not through sin that he opposes God. The Devil's strategy for our
times is to make trivial human existence and to isolate us from one another
while creating the delusion that the reasons are time pressures, work demands,
or economic anxieties.
 -- C. S. Lewis
%%
It is not too difficult to raise nice children, the real difficulty is
 keeping them away from other children whose parents don't seem to care.
%%
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%%
It is not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.
 -- Blaine Nye
%%
It is not wise to express friendship at an auction by waving at your
 friends. Costly it is, wise, it isn't..
%%
It is not wise to press the break key, my son.
%%
It is not without good reason said, that he who has not a good memory
should never take upon him the trade of lying.
 -- Michael de Montaigne (1533-1592)
 -- Essays, Book i, Chap. ix, Of Liars
%%
It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Work is healthy; you
can hardly put more upon a man than he can bear. Worry is rust upon
the blade. It is not the revolution that destroys the machinery, but
the friction. Fear secretes acids, but love and trust are sweet juices.
 -- Beecher
%%
It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority.  By
 definition, there are already enough people to do that.
 -- G. H. Hardy
%%
It is no use saying, "We are doing our best."  You have got to succeed
in doing what is necessary.
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.
 -- St. Francis of Assisi
%%
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
%%
It is now almost as expensive to fill the lawnmower with gas as it once was
 to fill the car.
%%
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
%%
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
 -- Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines
%%
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the
leading causes of statistics.
 -- Knebel's Law
%%
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by
a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to
physics or chemistry.
 -- H. L. Mencken, Notebooks, 1956
%%
It is now sixteen or seventeen years since I saw the Queen of France,
then the Dauphiness, at Versailles; and surely never lighted on this
orb, which she hardly seemed to touch, a more delightful vision. I
saw her just above the horizon, decorating and cheering the elevated
sphere she just began to move in,--glittering like the morning star
full of life and splendour and joy.... Little did I dream that I should
have lived to see such disasters fallen upon her in a nation of gallant
men,--in a nation of men of honour and of cavaliers. I thought ten
thousand swords must have leaped from their scabbards to avenge even
a look that threatened her with insult. But the age of chivalry is
gone; that of sophisters, economists, and calculators has succeeded.
 -- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
 -- Reflections on the Revolution in France, Vol. iii, p. 331
%%
it is now some years since I detected how many were the false beliefs that I ha
d believed to be true since my earliest youth.  And since that time, I have bee
n convinced that I must once and for all seriously try to rid myself of all the
opiniouns which I had formerly accepted, and begin to build anew, if I wanted t
o establish any firm and permanent structure for my beliefs.
 -- Rene Descartes
, Meditations.
%%
It isn't a bad life to have everyone in the universe at your back and
  call, and you win all the arguments.
 -- Kirk, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
%%
It isn't a war on drugs--it's a war on people.
%%
It isn't easy being a fat narcissist.
 -- Jackie Gleason
%%
It isn't easy being green.
 -- Kermit
%%
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
%%
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
 -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
It isn't premarital sex if you don't get married.
 -- Michael Juster
%%
It isn't really mine 'til I've modified it.
%%
"It isn't spread by casual contact, you know."
"Yeah, *I* know! Why did YOU pull back?"
"People.  I love 'em."
 -- Observations on humanity in CONCRETE
%%
It isn't stolen It's creatively re-systhesized!
%%
It isn't the fall that kills the child, it is the splattering of the
brain against the inside of the skull.
%%
It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of
sand in your shoe.
%%
It isn't what people think that's important,
but the reason they think what they think.
 -- Eugene Ionesco
%%
It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
 -- Errol Flynn
%%
It isn't what you know but the simple things you don't overlook.
%%
It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time.
%%
It is obvious to even the veriest fool that telling him or her that
something is obvious is not only condescending, but insulting.
%%
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to
 have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no
 human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
 -- Carl Sagan
%%
It is of some small consolation for you to know that we have survived every
 President the electorate has thrust upon us.
%%
It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it.
%%
It is often easier to earn money than it is to spend it wisely.
%%
It is of the essence of the demand for equality before the law that
people should be treated alike in spite of the fact that they are
different.
 -- Friedrich Hayek
%%
    It is of tremendous importance, when a wizard enters a battle, that he
should have prepared sufficient spells beforehand to meet anything that he
might face during the coming fight. It is even more important that the wizard
act bravely during the course of the fight, so that he might do credit to the
names of wizards everywhere. And what happens should the magician's army lose
the fray? Of the greatest importance of all, therefore, is the wizard's
insistence that, before the battle, he be paid in full.
 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. III
%%
It is one of our most important laws that none of us may interfere
  with the affairs of others.
 -- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
%%
It is one of the blessings of old friends
that you can afford to be stupid with them.
 -- R. Emerson, Journals
%%
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have
imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
 -- Voltaire
%%
It is one thing to be ugly, another to have a face that would melt a
 sundial!
%%
It is one thing to purloin finely-tempered steel, and another to
take a pound of literary old iron, and convert it in the furnace
of one's own mind into a hundred watchsprings, worth each a thousand
times as much as the iron. When genius borrows, it borrows grandly,
giving to the borrowed matter, a life and beauty it lacked before.
%%
It is one thing, to show a man that he is in an error, and another, to
put him in possession of truth.
 -- John Locke
%%
It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially
admire all schools of art.
%%
It is only a poor sort of happiness that could ever come by caring
very much about our own pleasures.  We can only have the highest happiness
such as goes along with being a great man, by having wide thoughts
and much feeling for the rest of the world as well as ourselves.
 -- George Eliot
%%
It is only by labor that thought can be made healthy, and only by thought that
labor can be made happy; and the two cannot be seperated with impunity.
 -- Ruskin
%%
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
%%
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.
 -- Margaret Bonnano
%%
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
%%
It is only the benevolent man who is capable of liking or disliking
 other men.
 -- Confucius, Analects, IV.3
%%
It is only the dead who do not return.
 -- Bertrand Barere (1755-1841)
 -- Speech, 1794
%%
It is only the first step which costs.
 -- Madame du Deffand (1697-1784)
 -- In reply to the Cardinal de Polignac
%%
It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
 -- Havelock Ellis
%%
It is only the ignorant who despise education.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 571
%%
It is only the wisest and the very stupidest who cannot change.
 -- Cervantes
%%
It is only through labor and effort,
by energy and resolute courage,
that we move on to better things.
 -- Theodore Roosevelt, former U.S. President
%%
It is only to the individual that a soul is given.
 -- Albert Einstein
%%
It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how
powerful they are.
 -- Clive James
%%
    It is ordinary for us to poison rivers also; yea and the
very elements whereof the world doth stand, are by us
infected: for even the air itself, wherein and whereby all
things should live, we corrupt to their mischief and
destruction.
 -- Pliny The Elder
%%
It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have.
 -- B. Earl Puckett, former President, Allied Stores
%%
It is overdoing the thing to die of love.
 -- French proverb
%%
It is past all controversy that what costs dearest is, and ought to
be, most valued.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iv, Chap xi
%%
It is physically impossible to tax into prosperity.
%%
It is pitch dark. You will likely fall into a hole & die.
%%
It is pleasant to have been to a place the way a river went.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.
%%
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. Nah!
%%
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be
  entirely uneducated.
 -- Alec Bourne
%%
... it is predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself.
 -- C. Lawson
%%
It is probably true that the UNIX operating system has extensive
 documentation since most things are written down somewhere.
 -- McGilton and Morgan
%%
It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the
masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority.  Truth
does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the
people.
 -- Giordano Bruno (1548- burned at the stake, 1600)
%%
It is questionable if all the mechanical inventions yet made have
lightened the day's toil of any human being.
%%
It is rare that, after having given the key of her heart, a woman does not
change the lock the day after.
%%
It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I
have omitted something from the quotation.
 -- Robert Benchley (1889-1945)i
 -- see Proverbs xxii, 1
%%
``...it is really a discussion of how many angels can dance on
the head of a pin, and not really interesting unless those involved
in the discussion are drunk or graduate students - two states of
roughly similar incompetence.''
 -- Steven King
%%
It is really insufficient to be simply good, one must also try to be good
 for something. A deaf husband and a blind wife as sure to be a happy
 couple. You can almost count on it...
%%
It is reasonably safe to judge a restaurant by the coffee they serve. If
 the stuff isn't up to snuff, than it is likely that the rest of the menu
 will be inferior as well.
%%
It is ridiculous to suppose that the great head of things, whatever
it be, pays any regard to human affairs.
 -- Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
 -- Natural History, Book ii, Sect. 20
%%
...it is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences
in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension
of beauty.
 -- Kundera
%%
...It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united
opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to
give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond
the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan.
 -- Martin Gardner, Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life,
      The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%%
It is said that cats are untrainable. That is not totally accurate.
 Appearances to the contrary, cats do pay attention to the instructions they
 receive. They listen closely to what you have to say and sometimes even
 wait for you to finish your sentence. They understand plain English as well
 as anybody. How else would it be possible for them to so uncannily do just
 the opposite?
 -- Stephen Baker
%%
It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.
 -- Francis M. Voltaire (1694-1778)
 -- Letter to M. le Riche, Feb. 6, 1770
%%
It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs:
 -- Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction
%%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
 high as the eagle?
%%
It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once.
 -- David Hume
%%
It is shocking to learn that the very last citadel of silence, the library,
 is stocking rock and roll recordings.
%%
It is simple to make things complex, but complex to make things simple.
 -- Meyer's 3rd Law
%%
    It is simply untrue that all our institutions are evil, .
. . that all politicians are mere opportunists, that all
aspects of university life are corrupt.  Having discovered an
illness, it's not terribly useful to prescribe death as a
cure.
 -- George McGovern
%%
It is so basic. A human being is an innocent part of nature. Our
civilization has distorted this universal quality that allows us to feel at
home in our skin. Other animals have coats that they accept, but the human
race has yet to come to terms with being nude.
 -- Ruth Bernhard
%%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
which we look, which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the
day, that is the highest of arts.
 -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862), "Where I Live"
%%
It is sometimes expedient to forget who we are.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 233
%%
It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being deceived
by cunning men.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that the
  maid of honour should be a man.
Oh! Thank you very much, my lord.
...And I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense.
 -- Edmund to Kate and Baldrick : Bells
%%
    It is strange that we know so little about the properties
of numbers.  They are our handiwork, yet they baffle us; we
can fathom only a few of their intricacies.  Having defined
their attributes and prescribed their behaviour, we are hard
pressed to perceive the implications of our formulas.
 -- James R. Newman
%%
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
 -- Robert Bly
%%
It is surely harmful to souls to make it a heresy to believe
what is proved.
 -- Galileo Galilei
%%
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
%%
It is tempting to take the easy political path ... to get peace at any price
 now, even though I know that a peace of humiliation for the United States
 would lead to a bigger war or surrender later.
 -- Richard M. Nixon, April 30, 1970
%%
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.

In one of those "true facts" books there was an explanation for this
law. It seems that one of the state senators did not want a law
passed. To to keep this particular law from passing he attached the
train law to it. Hoping that that his fellow senators would discover
the train law attached, see how ridiculous it was, and not pass the
laws. Nobody saw the the train law attached and passed both laws. This
may not be the real reason, but it sounds good. And it might explain
some of the laws we have to live with.
%%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous; and it is among the merits
of science that it equips the future for its duties.
 -- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
It is the cigarette that smokes, humans are just suckers on the end.
%%
It is the common vice of all, in old age, to be too intent upon our interests.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Adelphoe, Act v, Sc. 8, 30, (953.)
%%
It is the common wonder of all men, how among so many million of faces
there should be none alike.
 -- Sir Thomas Browne (1605-1682)
 -- Religio Medici, Part ii, Sect. ii
%%
It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating
us in a stupid way.
 -- J. W. Nienhuys
%%
It is the cunning of form to veil itself continually in the evidence of
 content.   It is the cunning of the code to veil itself and to produce itself
 in the obviousness of value.
 -- Baudrillard
%%
It is the curse of talent that, although it labors with greater steadiness
and perseverance than genius, it does not reach its goal, while genius,
already on the summit of the ideal, gazes laughingly about.
%%
It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and to end
as superstitions.
 -- Thomas Henry Huxley
%%
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
 -- Young's Second Law
Just because it is still standing, doesn't mean it is not dead.
 -- Corollary
%%
It is the duty of all persons, when affairs are the most prosperous,
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Phormio, Act ii, Sc. 1, 11, (241.)
%%
It is the essence of grantsmanship to
persuade the Foundation executives that is was they who suggested the research
project and that you were a belated convert, agreeing reluctantly to all that
had proposed.
 -- Parkinson's Principle of Non-Origination
%%
It is the eye of ignorance that assigns a fixed and unchangeable color to
 every object; beware of this stumbling block.
 -- Paul Gauguin
%%
It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in
 order to save us.
 -- Peter De Vries
%%
It is the function of creative men to perceive the relations between thoughts,
or things, or forms of expression that may seem utterly different, and to be
able to combine them into some new forms- the power to connect the seemingly
unconnected.
%%
It is the glory and good of Art
That Art remains the one way possible
Of speaking truth,--to mouths like mine, at least.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- The Ring and the Book, The Book and the Ring, Line 842
%%
It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing
because you can do only a little. Do what you can.
 -- Sydney Smith
%%
It is the great triumph of genius to make the common appear novel.
(or vice-versa)
%%
It is the guilt, not the scaffold, which constitutes the shame.
 -- Cornville
%%
It is the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It is the dream afraid of waking
that never takes a chance.
It is the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.
 -- Bette Midler, The Rose
%%
It IS the heat!!
%%
It is the height of absurdity to sow little but weeds in the first half
of one's lifetime and expect to harvest a valuable crop in the second half.
 -- Percy Johnston
%%
It is the height of bad form and poor manners, when serving Spam, to
 neglect the serving of mint jelly which should accompany it.
%%
It is the hour when from the boughs
  The nightingale's high note is heard;
It is the hour when lovers' vows
  Seem sweet in every whisper'd word.
 -- Lord Byron (1788-1824)
 -- Parisina, Stanza 1
%%
It is the little rift within the lute
That by and by will make the music mute,
And ever widening slowly silence all.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Idylls of the King, Merlin and Vivien
%%
It is the lot of man but once to die.
 -- Francis Quarles (1592-1644)
 -- Emblems, Book v, Emblem 7
%%
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought
without accepting it.
 -- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
%%
It is the mind that makes the man, and our vigour is in our immortal soul.
 -- Ovid (43 BC)
 -- Metamorphoses, xiii
%%
It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real
and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature
and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his
word.
 -- Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751)
 -- On the Study and Use of History, Letter to Mr. Pope
%%
It is the natural order of things. Nothing can alter it. The strong
take, the weak surrender.
 -- Sepp von Plum
%%
It is the nature of our species to be free.
 -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
%%
It is the pardonable vanity of lonely people everywhere to assume
that they have no counterparts.
%%
It is the part of a good shepherd to shear his flock, not to skin it.
 -- Latin proverb
%%
It is the part of a wise man to keep himself to-day for to-morrow,
and not to venture all his eggs in one basket.
 -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
 -- Don Quixote, Part i, Book iii, Chap. ix
%%
It is the person who is blind to what goes on around him that is most
surprised when the same things happen to him.
 -- M. Thompson
%%
It is the pleasure of reward rather than the pain of punishment that
motivates people.
%%
It is the "pon farr" -- the time of mating.
%%
It is the province of knowledge to speak
And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%%
It is thermodynamically impossible to stuff a genie back into a bottle.
%%
It is the sick oyster which possesses the pearl.
 -- J. A. Shedd "Salt From My Attic"
%%
It is the theory that decides what we can observe.
 -- Albert Einstein,
 -- quoted in Bruce Gregory 'Inventing Reality: Physics as Language'
%%
It is the time you have wasted for your rose
that makes your rose so important.
 -- Saint-Exupery
%%
It is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her.
 -- Paul Geraldy
%%
It is through science that we prove, but through intuition that we
discover.
 -- Henri Poincare
%%
It is through the cracks in our brains that ecstasy creeps in.
%%
It is thus necessary that the individual should finally come to realize
that his own ego is of no importance in comparison with the existence
of his nation;  that the position of the individual ego is conditioned
solely by the interests of the nation as a whole...that above all the
unity of a nation's spirit and will are worth far more than the freedom
of the spirit and will of an individual...  This state of mind, which
subordinates the interests of the ego to the conservation of the
community, is really the first premise for every truly human
culture...The basic attitude from which such activity arises, we call - to
distinguish it from egoism and selfishness - idealism.  By this we
understand only the individual's capacity to make sacrifices for the
community, for his fellow men.
 -- Adolf Hitler at Buckeburg, Oct 7, 1933
%%
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
 -- Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell
%%
It is time to go on the wagon when your eyes appear to be two olives in a
 sea of tomato juice.
%%
It is to hope, though hope were lost.
 -- Mrs. Barbauld (1743-1825)
 -- Come here, Fond Youth
%%
It IS too a Tagline!
%%
It is too dangerous, you must not go alone.
Hey, I'm your cha'DIch.
 -- Worf and Picard, "Sins of the Father", stardate 43685.2
%%
It is too far up for you to reach.
%%
It is traditional to leave the notation ambiguous.
%%
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%%
It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin
 sister.
 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)
%%
It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed.
 -- Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
%%
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears,
 but only twice as many ears as noses.
%%
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
 -- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
%%
It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatever
for supposing it true.
 -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967), "Skeptical Essays"
%%
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is
  not hers.
 -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
%%
It is unnatural for a human to feel bad about feeling good.
 -- Chris Pirillo ([e-mail])
%%
It is up with you; all is over; you are ruined.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act i, Sc. 1, 9, (54.)
%%
It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism
while wolves remain of a different opinion.
 -- William Ralph Inge, D. D.  1860 - 1954
%%
  It is useless to resist.
 -- A Sensorite, The Sensorites
%%
It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.
 -- William of Occam
%%
It is vain to look for a defence against lightning.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 835
%%
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because if
you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another
female, but there's just no way for us to know it.
 -- Anne Perkins, U.C. Davis graduate student
 -- on her study of sexuality in sheep
%%
It is very difficult to maintain a relationship based solely on mistrust.
 -- Pierce Brosnan (in Remington Steele)
%%
It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes.  It takes more gut and
gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own.
 -- Jessamyn West
%%
It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon to
increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of ten
degradation accomplished.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XVIII
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
It is very good advice to believe only what an artist does, rather than
 what he says about his work.
 -- David Hockney
%%
It is very true that I have said that I considered Napoleon's presence
in the field equal to forty thousand men in the balance. This is a
very loose way of talking; but the idea is a very different one from
that of his presence at a battle being equal to a reinforcement of
forty thousand men.
 -- Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington (1769-1852)
 -- Mem. by the Duke
%%
It is very vulgar to talk about one's own business. Only people like
 stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It is well, I die hard, but I am not afraid to go.
 -- George Washington, 14 December 1799
%%
It is well that war is so terrible, or we should get too fond of it.
 -- Robert E. Lee
%%
    It is well to know something of the manners of various
peoples, in order more sanely to judge our own, and that we do
not think that everything against our modes is ridiculous, and
against reason, as those who have seen nothing are accustomed
to think.
 -- Rene Descartes
 -- Discourse I
%%
It is well to moor your bark with two anchors.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 119
%%
    It is well to observe the force and virtue and consequence
of discoveries, and these are to be seen nowhere more
conspicuously than in those three which were unknown to the
ancients, and of which the origin, though recent, is obscure
and inglorious; namely, printing, gunpowder and the magnet
[i.e. Mariner's Needle].  For these three have changed the
whole face and state of things throughout the world.
 -- Francis Bacon
%%
It is well to remember, my son, that the entire population of the
universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
 -- John Andrew Holmes
%%
It is well, when one is judging a friend, to remember that he is judging
 you with the same Godlike and superior impartiality.
 -- Arnold Bennett
%%
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%%
It is when you take for yourself that you truly take.
%%
It is wise not to seek a secret and honest not to reveal it.
 -- Ben Franklin
%%
It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to
focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.
 -- William Arthur Ward
%%
It is wise to empty the mind & fill the belly
 -- Lao Tzu
%%
It is with books as with men:  a very small number play a great part,
the rest are lost in the multitude.
 -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
It is worse to be drunk with ale or beer than with wine; for the
 drunkenness endureth longer to the utter ruin of the brain and
 understanding, by reason that the fumes and vapors of ale or beer that
 ascend to the head are more gross, and therefore cannot be so soon resolved
 as those that rise up of wine.
 -- Tobias Venner
%%
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon
insufficient evidence.
 -- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
%%
It is yet a higher speech of his than the other, "It is true greatness
to have in one the frailty of a man and the security of a god."
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Of Adversity
%%
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
%%
It is your destiny.
 -- Darth Vader
%%
It is your resistance to 'what is' that causes your suffering.
 -- Buddha
%%
It just doesn't get any better than this.  Ok, maybe it does...
%%
It Just Don't Add Up!
 -- Foghorn Leghorn.
%%
It just goes to show what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
It just goes to show you, its always something.
%%
It just won't break, chip, or split.
%%
I t#ld yo#, "Never#touch #he flop#y disk s#rface!"
%%
It leaves you a little confused about where the object you are going to
 purchase was made when it says "This price tag made in the USA."
%%
It literally is...Elvis.
 -- Riker
%%
It'll all end in tears, I know it.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
%%
It'll never work, really!
 -- C Error #008
%%
It looks as though you're dead. Well, seeing as how it's so close to
closing closing time anyway, I think we'll just call it a day.
%%
It looks just like a Telefunken U-47.
%%
It looks like a boat and it leaks like a boat so it must be a boat.
%%
It looks like a flying purple people eater!
%%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%%
It looks like the sands of time could be running out for our lads.
%%
It looks like the Temple of Doom!
%%
It makes a difference whose ox is gored.
 -- Martin Luther
%%
It makes me feel so excited when you touch my keys that way.
%%
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw
chicken to the dolphins.  They eat fish."  Sure they eat fish, if that's all
you give them.  Man, wise up.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
 It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a
 scared rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was
 running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
It makes no difference what it is, a woman will buy anything she thinks a
 store is losing money on.
 -- Kin Hubbard
%%
It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%%
It makes us or it mars us.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 1
%%
It makes you wonder, doesn't it? Just how normal are we?    Just who
  are the people we nod our hellos to as we pass on the street?  A rather
  good question to ask--particularly in the Twilight Zone.
 -- Rod Serling
%%
It markes a big step in a man's development when he comes to realize
that other men can be called on to help him do a better job than
he can do alone.
 -- Andrew Carnagie
%%
It matters if you don't just give up.
 -- Stephen Hawking
%%
It matters little what you believe, so long as you don't
altogether believe it.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
It matters not how long you live, but how well.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 829
%%
It matters not so much what you sing, but why
 -- J.S. Bach
%%
It matters not what goal you seek
Its secret here reposes:
You've got to dig from week to week
To get Results or Roses.
 -- Edgar Guest
%%
It matters not what you are thought to be, but what you are.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 785
%%
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
  or lose.
 -- Darrin Weinberg
%%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good
 either if you speak when your head is empty.
%%
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
It may be glorious to write
Thoughts that shall glad the two or three
High souls, like those far stars that come in sight
Once in a century.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- An Incident in a Railroad Car
%%
It may be GUI but you still can't eat it!
%%
It may be irrational of me, but human beings are quite my favorite
species.
 -- Doctor, Ark in Space
%%
It may be remarked for the comfort of honest poverty, that avarice
reigns most in those who have but few good qualities to recommend
them. This is a weed that will grow in a barren soil.
 -- Hughes
%%
It may be said that his wit shines at the expense of his memory.
 -- Alain Rene Le Sage (1668-1747)
 -- Gil Blas, Book iii, Chap. xi
%%
    It may be that a genius of the so-called universal type--
an Aristotle, for example, or a Leibniz or a Leonardo da
Vinci-- is one whose mind has the group property.
 -- Cassius J. Keyser
%%
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
 create him.
 -- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
It may be that the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the
 strong--but that's the way to bet.
 -- Damon Runyon
%%
It may be that those who do most, dream most.
 -- Stephen Leacock
%%
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles whom we knew.
 -- Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)
 -- Ulysses
%%
It may have been proven, but I still won't accept logical proof.
 -- Eric Vasbinder
%%
It may not look like a bull, but it leaves a trail like one.
%%
It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.
%%
It might be a good idea to offer the unicorn a ruby.
%%
IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT
I have such a good answer for this objection,
that I want to make sure that I get to use it
 -- Research definitions
%%
It might be easy for you... but then you don't know what you're doing.
%%
It might be more worthwhile if we stopped wringing our hands and started
ringing our congressmen.
%%
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages.  The
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the
work being done at the MIT Media Lab.  It was meant as a haven for
people with vision of this scope.  If you want to create a haven for
people with narrower visions, feel free.  But I feel sad for anyone
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in
dire need of being subdivided.  Heaven help them if they ever start
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.
 -- Bob Webber
%%
It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington.
 -- Admiral Grace Hopper
%%
It misses!
%%
ITML: Initiate Termites into Macro Library
%%
It must be done like lightning.
 -- Ben Jonson (1573-1637)
 -- Every Man in his Humour, Act iv, Sc. v
%%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan,
more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the
creation of a new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who
would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and merely
lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones.
 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
%%
It must be so,--Plato, thou reasonest well!
Else whence this pleasing hope, this fond desire,
This longing after immortality?
Or whence this secret dread and inward horror
Of falling into naught? Why shrinks the soul
Back on herself, and startles at destruction?
'T is the divinity that stirs within us;
'T is Heaven itself that points out an hereafter,
And intimates eternity to man.
Eternity! thou pleasing, dreadful thought!
 -- Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
 -- Cato, Act v, Sc. 1
%%
It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog's legs are edible.
%%
It never hurts to help!
 -- Eek the Cat.
%%
It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
 -- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #33
%%
It never rains in Oregon, We rust from too much sunshine.
%%
It never was our guise
To slight the poor, or aught humane despise.
 -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
 -- The Odyssey of Homer, Book xiv, Line 65
%%
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
%%
I toast. Therefore I am.
%%
ITO as your children wished their grandparents practiced birth control..
%%
It occured before important facts were known, and cannot happen again.
(The important fact being that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe)
 -- The Munish Agreement excuse
%%
I told her, "Like (*&^%$# you are!"
%%
I told him that I wouldn't even consider it unless they guaranteed me
that I'd have no primary opposition and unless they would raise money
for me.
 -- Dan Quayle, remembering being asked to run for Congress
%%
 ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
 -- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
I told my doctor I wanted to stop aging. He gave me a gun!
%%
I told my mother I was going to have natural childbirth. She said to me,
 "Linda, you've been taking drugs all your life. Why stop now?"
 -- Linda Maldonado
%%
I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a
 date yet?" I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?" What a
 country!
 -- Yakov Smirnoff
%%
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.  He told me to quit
 going to those places.
 -- Henny Youngman
%%
I *told* the Muse I'm not a masochist, so why is the whip out again?
%%
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found
 that I had a fractured skull.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I told the truth Lord! How can I learn any moral lesson if you keep
confusing me like this.
 -- Philipe The Mouse, "Ladyhawke"
%%
I told you damn rabbits 'Only two!'.
 -- Noah, loading up the Ark
%%
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
%%
I told you I was ill.
 -- Written on grave
%%
I told you never to call me on this wall!  This is an unlisted wall!
%%
I told you so!!!!
 -- Rush Limbaugh.
%%
I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.
%%
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
It only rang twice...then the dog answered..
%%
It only seems kinky the first time.
%%
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without
changing a single idea.
 -- Robert Anton Wilson
%%
It only takes a small oven to produce a half-baked idea.
%%
It only takes five days.......
%%
I took a baby shower.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I took a course at Cal once called Statistical Analysis. And there was a
 guy in the course who used to make up all his computations and he never
 used Sigma. He used his own initials. 'Cause he was the standard deviation.
 -- Mort Sahl
%%
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read 'War and Peace' in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
 By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
 -- [Imitation] Steven Wright
%%
I took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.
 -- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.
%%
I took an economy flight. There wasn't any movie, but they flew low over
 drive-ins.
 -- Red Buttons
%%
I took Benzedrine--I got clairvoyance. With Benzedrine you can have a very
 wide view of the world--like you can decide the destiny of man and other
 pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
 -- Mort Sahl
%%
I took biology two years in a row just to eat the specimens.
 -- Pat Paulsen
%%
I took Brad Templeton out to lunch one day, and afterwards, we stopped
by a bakery to bring eleven doughnuts back to the office.  The baker
offered a free sticky bun to pad our order to an even dozen, and Brad
refused the bun.  After we left, I asked why.  He said that he never
selects buns, especially pad buns.
%%
I took by the throat the circumcised dog,
And smote him, thus.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Othello
 -- Act v, Sc. 2
%%
I took it for a faery vision
Of some gay creatures of the element,
That in the colours of the rainbow live,
And play i' th' plighted clouds.
 -- John Milton (1608-1674)
 -- Comus, Line 298
%%
I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now I
 can ride a unicycle.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
I took my cat in for a catscan. Diagnosis? It was a cat.
%%
I took my kid to the children's zoo, but they wouldn't take him.
%%
I took over from the previous electorate when he very sadly
  accidentally brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.
 -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
I took thee for thy better.  Take thy fortune.
%%
I took the vacation I wanted all my life. I packed Alice and the kids and
 all the luggage in our station wagon and headed it right straight to
 Canada. Then I went to Las Vegas and had a ball.
 -- George Gobel
%%
I took to my heels as fast as I could.
 -- Terence (185-159 BC)
 -- Act v, Sc. 2, 5, (844.)
%%
I took up a collection for a man in our office. But I didn't get enough
 money to buy one.
 -- Ruth Buzzi
%%
I took up gardening as a hobby, but I only grew tired.
%%
I, too, was born in Arcadia.
 -- Bartholomew Schidoni (1560-1616)
%%
I totally agree with your thoughts. Let the 'games' begin!
%%
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
 -- Salvor Hardin, in Isaac Asimov's Foundation
%%
It [Poesy] was ever thought to have some participation of divineness,
because it doth raise and erect the mind by submitting the shews of
things to the desires of the mind.
 -- Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
 -- Advancement of Learning, Book ii
%%
I travelled to a mystical time-zone,and I missed my bed and I soon came
 home.They said there's too much caffeine in your blood-stream and a
 lack of real spice in your life.....
 -- S. Morrisey
%%
I travel with the wind & listen to it's voices.
%%
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
%%
It really doesn't matter who is President. They all end up sitting in the
 Oval Office, sticking pins in a Dan Rather doll.
%%
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project
from the best of all possible efforts the the best that can be expected
given the limited time.
%%
It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch
understanding.
 -- Sydney Smith (1769-1845)
 -- Lady Holland's Memoir, Vol. i, p. 15
%%
It requires more energy to remove an object from it's proper place than
to put it back.
 -- MacPherson's Law of Entropy
%%
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.
%%
I tried APL, but it was all Greek to me!
%%
I tried being reasonable once.  I didn't like it.
%%
I tried computer dating once; I decided I preferred women.
%%
I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn't feel any better but I could stop the
 car with my feet.
 -- Joan St. Onge
%%
I tried LSD but I didn't actually swallow.
%%
I tried one of those new diet books, but when chapter three said I should
 make a trip to Three Mile Island for a meltdown, I ceased the whole idea.
%%
I tried OS/2 once, but I didn't inhale.
%%
I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.
 -- Richard Lewis
%%
I tried reality, but it didn't work.
%%
I tried sanity once. Didn't like it.
%%
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
%%
I tried snorting coke once.  I almost drowned.
%%
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit!
%%
I tried the rest but bought the best!!!! R:BASE!
%%
I tried to avoid hitting him, but he kept coming toward me and asking for
 it and I finally felt that I really should oblige him. It demolished his
 car, but it didn't even scratch my road scraper.
 -- Excerpt from insurance form.
%%
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped!
%%
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim.
%%
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
%%
I **TRIED** to register it!
%%
I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!
%%
I tried Windows NT once, but I didn't inhale.
%%
I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.
%%
itrunc: %s/%d new size = %d, blocks = %d
%%
It runs in the blood like wooden legs.
%%
It runs! It runs!  Now if it just did something...
%%
It runs like x, where x is something unsavory
 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%%
It runs much faster with a 1Gb disk cache.
%%
I trust in Nature for the stable laws
Of beauty and utility. Spring shall plant
And Autumn garner to the end of time.
I trust in God,--the right shall be the right
And other than the wrong, while he endures.
I trust in my own soul, that can perceive
The outward and the inward,--Nature's good
And God's.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- A Soul's Tragedy, Act i
%%
I trust MY judgement. I'm not sure about yours.
%%
I trust only one thing in a woman: that she will not come to life
again after she is dead. In all other things I distrust her.
 -- Antipanes (388-311 B.C.), Greek comic dramatist, Fragment
%%
I try all things; I achieve what I can.
 -- Herman Melville
%%
'I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.'
 -- Judge Harry Stone
%%
I try to know what I need to know.   I make sure to know what I want to
know.
 -- Nero Wolfe
%%
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
 -- Calvin & Hobbes
%%
I try to see good in everything--it makes me horrible to live with.
%%
I try to stay away from liberalism.  I know how dangerous it is for
our... Don't ask me to take a liberal position where I am right now.
It's contrary to the administration's viewpoints.  It would not be
terribly helpful to anyone, especially me.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
It's 00:00 GMT.  Do you know where your PC is?
%%
It's 03:00 A.M. Do you know where your data is?
%%
It's 03:30 A.M. Do you know where your mail is?
%%
It's 03:40 P.M. Do you know where your child is?
%%
It's 03 A.M. and the kids aren't home from school yet.
%%
It's 05:00 and time for the Penguin on the Tele to explode.
%%
It's 05:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?
%%
It's 1000. Do you know what time it is?
%%
It's 10:00pm.  Do you know where your daughter is?
%%
It's 1,000 to 1, but it's our only chance-a flame hurling catapult!
%%
It's 10 o'clock.  Do you know where your child processes are?
%%
It's 10 pm, Do you know where your software is?
%%
It's 11:00 o'clock. Do you know what your cats are shredding?
%%
It's 11:56 pm. Do you know where your modem is?
%%
Its 11 PM and you aren't home. Do you know what your cats are shredding?
%%
It's 11 pm--do you know where your underwear is?
%%
It's 12:24 am. Do you know where *YOU* are?
%%
Its 1993 and Elvis is still dead.
%%
It's 23:30.. Do you know where your files are?
%%
It's 25:00!  Do you know where I am?
%%
It's 74841505. Do you know where your kids are?
%%
It's a +5 Long Sword, it should be easy to break.
%%
It's Abby Normal's brain!
%%
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,...
%%
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's superman! No, it's bad news, and it flies
 faster than a speeding bullet, faster than a supersonic plane, faster even
 than superman. It is like a fast arrow, taking the most direct and
 speediest route. Of course, the good news always travels too, but it takes
 it's time, and goes as the usual speed of nearly frozen molassas.
%%
It's a bird, it's a plane...NO! It's Super Patrick!
%%
It's a bird...it's a plane...OH NOOOOO, it's the MODERATOR!
%%
It's a Board! It's a plane! It's A, aah, A, aah,  aw, screw it...
%%
It's a boy, Mrs. Walker, it's a boy.
%%
It's a busy life in Camelot.
%%
It's a chain saw. I always carry one for emergencies.
%%
It's a classic Pinzer maneuver; it can't fail against a bunch of
ten-year-olds!
 -- Herman in "Bart the General", from The Simpsons
%%
It's a cold fish!  It's DEAD IN THE WATER!
%%
It's a computer thing--I wouldn't understand.
%%
It's a Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Operatives,
i.e., a load of old cobblers.
%%
It's a control freak thing - I won't let you understand.
%%
It's a crowbar.  I always carry one for emergencies.
%%
It saddens Norwegians that America still honors the Italian Columbus,
who arrived late in the New World and by accident, who wasn't even
interested in New Worlds but only in spices.  Out on a spin in search
of curry powder and hot peppers - a man on a voyage to the grocery -
he stumbled onto the land of heroic Vikings and proceeded to get the
credit for it.   And then to name it 'America' after Amerigo Vespucci,
an Italian who never saw the New World but only sat in Italy and drew
incredibly inaccurate maps of it.  By rights, it should be called
Erica, after Eric the Red, who did the work five hundred years earlier.
The United States of Erica.  Erica the Beautiful.  The Erican League.
 -- Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon Days
%%
It's a dead man's party...Who could ask for more?
%%
It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!
 -- Saturday Night Live
%%
It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.
%%
Its! Admiral! Flinstone! -- He's Fred, Jim.
%%
It's a dog-eat-dog world, so bring utensils!
%%
Its a dogma-eat-dogma world!
%%
Its a dog's life -how lucky they are!
%%
It's a dope thang, you wouldn't understand.
%%
It's a fact of life...  Males are born with 2 heads, but only enough
blood to operate one at a time!
%%
It's a fact women live longer than men-especially widows.
%%
It's a fantastic job, but someone's gotta do it.
%%
It's a fine night to have an evening.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
It's a fine world, though rich in hardships at times.
 -- Augustus    McCrae
%%
It's a flaming telepath!!!
%%
It's a free cosmos!
 -- The Doctor
%%
It's a Freedom thing, you wouldn't understand.
%%
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
 worry about, she goes off and gets married.
%%
It's a game of two halves.
%%
It's a gnarly day in the neighborhood...
%%
It's a good bet the Empire knows we're here!
%%
It's a good day to lie.
 -- President Klinton
%%
It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll
 have the strength to break them when you're old.
 -- Mark Twain
%%
It's a good job I'm not colour blind because both teams are playing in
 black and white.
%%
It's a good rule to follow the first law of holes: if you are in one, stop
 digging.
 -- Denis Healey
%%
It's a good Supreme Court. They're lawyers... they're judges...
they're appointed for life.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 -- on being asked about the verdict in the Supreme Court
 -- ruling on the PA abortion law case.
 -- (Broadcast on ABC's "Prime Time Live," August 10, 1992)
%%
 It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.
 We couldn't stand the commercials.
 -- Gerrold's Fundamental Truth
%%
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
%%
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
 right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
It's a good thing you're cute Wesley, or you could really be obnoxious.
 -- Oliana Mirren, "Coming of Age", stardate 41416.2
%%
It's a good thing you're wearing a mustache. It breaks up the monotony of
 your face.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
Its a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
%%
It's a great city. It's very culturally enriching. I now understand English
 in seven foreign accents.
 -- Anita Wise
%%
It's a great day to be alive.
%%
It's a GREAT DAY when I learn something new!
%%
It's a great idea! - but it still has to work...
%%
It's a great place, and the drinks are cold!
%%
It's a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books
which are your very own.
 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
%%
It's a hell of a thing, killing a man. You take away all he has
and all he's ever gonna have.
 -- Will Munny, "Unforgiven"
%%
It's a hockey stick. I always carry one for emergencies.
%%
It's a hockey thing, you wouldn't understand.
%%
It's a Holdup!: Nick R. Elastic
%%
It's a human thing, you wouldn't understand
%%
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
 gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
 "Hit it."
 -- Jake and Elwood Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
%%
        It's a hybrid of texas-state bluegrass, and a New York sensimillia.
This stuff is great, cuz you can go play a good eighteen holes on it, take it
home, and get stoned enough to play jesus bells on it.
 -- Caddyshack
%%
It said "Don't Panic" in big friendly letters.
%%
It said,  This is probably the best button to press.
%%
It's a Japanese rock garden, a Zen pool for skinny dipping.
%%
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
%%
It's a Klingon thing...you wouldn't understand.
%%
It's a knockout tournament and anything can happen.
%%
It's a lie.  I was never here.
 -- Kilroy
%%
It's alive, it's alive...muhahaha!
%%
It's Alive.  Well, not REALLY, but it was pretty scary, huh.
%%
It's all about doing the business where it matters in the 6 yard box.
%%
It's all absolutely devastatingly true, except the bits that are lies.
 -- Douglas Adams
%%
It's all a conspiracy.
%%
It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
 -- Price's Advice
%%
It's all a matter of life and death, so beware of the undead.
%%
It's all a matter of taste.
%%
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
%%
It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye, then it's a sport.
%%
It's all in a day's work for Confuse-a-Cat.
%%
It's all in the mind, so you might as well be happy.
%%
It's all in the mind, ya know.
%%
It's All In Your Head: Madge Ination.
%%
It's all part of life's rich pattern.
%%
It's all right if old people are rich.  After all, no one wants to
have sex with them so they deserve some derivative.
%%
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
 -- Mick Jagger
%%
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome...  I don't think I can stand
any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed.  The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really...  We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all?  Who thought up this sickening circle of
flesh and blood?  We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever.  Who could
have thought it up, I wonder?"
 -- James Purdy
%%
It's all so... WONKY!
%%
It's all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.
 -- French management saying
%%
It's almost like having a fifth sense or something!
 -- Homer in "Call of the Simpsons", from The Simpsons
%%
It's a long time since I've enjoyed myself so much.
%%
It's a lot better then having a FERRET in yer trousers!
%%
It's a lot of fun being alive...  I wonder if my bed is made?!?
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's alright, don't close your eyes, it's only teenage wasteland.
%%
It's alright - he's from Barcelona.
%%
It's always better to be a smart ass, than a dumb ass.
%%
It's always darkest at the top of the stairs.
%%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%%
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
 -- Alex Clark
%%
It's always darkest right before you step in dog mess!
%%
It's always darkest when the light bulb has blown.
%%
It's ALWAYS dark if you never open your eyes!
%%
It's always easier to just fall than to try to climb.
%%
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
 concerned about.
%%
It's always harder to pave the way for others!
%%
It's always someone else's problem anyway ...
%%
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
It's always the partner's fault.
 -- The First Law of Bridge
%%
 It's always the wrong time of the month.
 -- Astrology Law
 -- Rozanne Weissman
%%
It's always useful to know where a friend-and-relation is, whether
you want him or whether you don't.
 -- Rabbit, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
It's a match made in heaven.
Unfortunately, it will have to be a shotgun wedding.
 -- Dr. Pulaski and Riker, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
It's a matter of life after death. After he's dead, I have a life.
 -- Mrs White, _Clue_
%%
It's a matter of suggestion. You kind of tickle the talent.
 -- David Lean
%%
"It's amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying
equation!"
"Really? What is it?"
"Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now
working on why girls are so obnoxious."
 -- Calvin and Hobbes, "Calvin and Hobbes"
%%
It's amazing how long it takes to complete something you are
not working on.
 -- McGee's First Law
%%
"It's amazing how many intelligent people don't own an IBM..."
 -- John Pritchard
%%
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
 -- Lazarus Long
%%
It's amazing how much one person can do, little by little, over time.
%%
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
 -- Michael Arlen
%%
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every
 day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
 -- Jerry Seinfeld
%%
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
 carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
It's amazing what ordinary people can do
if they set out without preconceived notions.
 -- Charles F. Kettering
%%
It's America's favorite blowhard, Rush Limbaugh!
%%
It's a mistake to try to understand machines...they only worry me.
 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
It's a Mr. Death, he's come about the reaping???
%%
It's a mystery to me!
%%
It's an all or nothing proposition, baby.
%%
It's an anywhere road, for anybody anyhow. Where body how?
%%
It's an Earth drink, prune juice.
A warrior's drink.
 -- Guinan and Worf, "Yesterday's Enterprise", stardate 43625.2
%%
It's an Elder Thing, you don't _want_ to understand.
%%
It's an Elder Thing--you wouldn't understand.
%%
It's an EXE file Jim, but not an EXE as we know it!
%%
    It's an experience like no other experience I can
describe, the best thing that can happen to a scientist,
realizing that something that's happened in his or her mind
exactly corresponds to something that happens in nature.  It's
startling every time it occurs.  One is surprised that a
construct of one's own mind can actually be realized in the
honest-to-goodness world out there.  A great shock, and a
great, great joy.
 -- Leo Kadanoff
%%
It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
%%
It's an older code sir, but it checks out.  I was about to clear them.
 -- Imperial Lackey to commander as Millenium Falcon approaches Death Star
 -- Star Wars
%%
It's an Old Ones Thing, if you understood it would drive you insane.
%%
It's an old, seedy, run-down gymnasium on the lower West Side catering to
 young and old boxers. Amidst the yelling, the smell of fighters sweating,
 punching bags and each other, one of the boxers comes over to his corner
 following three rounds of heavy hitting and says to his manager, "I really
 want a shot at the kid, Kid Jackson. I know I'm getting old and a little
 punchy, but before I retire I just want one chance in the ring with him!"

 And the manager, wiping the fighter's face with a towel, says, "Look, if
 I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times: You're Kid Jackson!"
 -- Soupy Sales
%%
It's a notable exception..
%%
It's another fine mess you got us into, Ollie.
%%
It's a patronizing thing--you wouldn't understand
%%
It's a perfectly beautiful morning in Santa Cruz.
Just this once, take the day off and go *play* for a change.
%%
It's a perfectly good shuttlecraft.
 -- Picard, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1
%%
It's a personal CD player! You said you wanted something personal!
 -- mhc
%%
It's a poor cook who cannot lick his own fingers.
%%
"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards," the Queen remarked.
 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%%
It's a port of call, home away from home...
%%
It's apple blossom time in Orange, New Jersey;
the pear of us will have a peach of a time.
%%
It's a probable twelve to seven...
%%
It's a proud moment for a Scoutmaster when a Scout earns his Eagle.
%%
It's a question of intelligence -- so your opinion has very
little relevance....
 -- Avon
%%
It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.
 -- Dick Cavett
%%
It's a sad house where the cock is silent and the hen crows.
%%
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
 -- Bumper Sticker
%%
It's a scientific fact that if you stay in Calafornia you loose one
 point of your IQ for every year.
 -- Truman Capote, from Breakfast at Benny's
%%
It's as easy as 1-2-C.
%%
It's as EZ as 1-2-3 HA!
%%
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is
work.  He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he
can't make love for eight hours.  The only thing a man can do for eight
hours is work.
 -- William Faulkner
%%
It's as if there's a laser beam in his chest attracting the ball.
%%
 ... it's as if the whole world was suddenly destroyed, but not by an
explosion -- an explosion is something hard and solid -- but destroyed
by  ... some horrible kind of softening ... as if nothing was solid,
nothing held any shape at all, and you could poke your finger through
stone walls and the stone would give, like jelly, and mountains would
slither, and buildings would switch their shapes like clouds -- and
that would be the end of the world, not fire and brimstone, but goo.
 -- Cherryl Taggart
%%
IT'S A SIGN OF THE END-TIMES!!
%%
It's a sky blue sky.  Satellites are out tonight.
%%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
It's a standard question, made a bit harder by adding some A-level stuff.
%%
It's a state of the art sandwich, innit?
It's the State of the floor I'm worried about!
%%
It's a summons.
What's a summons?
It means summon's in trouble.
 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
%%
It's a Tao thing, there is nothing _to_ understand.
%%
It's a thrill to be here in Russia ... Surprisingly enough, I'm not having
 any trouble with the language. Nobody speaks to me.
 -- Bob Hopee
%%
It's a time-honored way of practicing medicine. With your head, and
  your heart, and your hands.
 -- Dr. Pulaski, "Contagion", stardate 42609.1
%%
It's at moments like this that you want to squeeze false fruit.
%%
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
%%
It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.
%%
It's a very boring time.  I am not particularly maternal--it's
an occupational hazard of being a wife.
 -- Anne, Princess (1950-), [1981] TV interview
%%
It's a very Kafka-esque high- makes you feel like a bug.
%%
Its a very lovely ship... I think that you should go down with it.
%%
It's a very rare and precious Chinese puzzle box.   You won't be
 able to open it, so put it down.
 -- Countess Scarlioni, CITY OF DEATH
%%
It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's
safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government
contract.
 -- Alan Shepherd, one of the Apollo astronauts
%%
It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
 -- Churchy La Femme
%%
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented
 thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common
 computer protocol occured in the Old Testament.  This, of course, was when
 Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea...
 -- Tom Galloway
%%
It's a Windows thang...
%%
"It's a Wonderful Life 2 - Potter's Revenge"
 -- Movie sequel?
%%
It's a wonder I don't have a persecution complex with everybody in the whole
world out to get me.
%%
It says, "There is something strange about this place, such that one
of of the words I've always known now has a new effect."
%%
It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in
doubt.... This explains why I don't meet many babes.
 -- CALVIN AND HOBBES
%%
It's a Zen thing, trying to understand won't help.
%%
It's back...and it's got a gun.
%%
It's Barney!  Quick, get me some insulin!!!!!
%%
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
%%
It's because I'm short and bald, isn't it, Beverly?
%%
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
%%
It's been a hard day's night. You should be sleeping like a log.
%%
It's been a long time since I rock and rolled.
%%
It's been a LOONNNGGGG week.[SIGH]
%%
It's been a Murphy day all week long. Sigh!
%%
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
%%
It's been Monday aaaallllllll week!
%%
It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.
%%
It's been said before that the world is a stage, with a different performance
for every age.
 -- the Kinks
%%
It's been surreal, but I can't Dali now.
%%
It's "Being Hit on the Head" lessons in `ere.
%%
It's better not to date anyone than to date someone who treats you like a
pair of slippers.
 -- little 'e'
%%
It's better the world wonder why you *AREN'T* President.
%%
It's better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.
 -- James Thurber
%%
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
 -- Mae West
%%
It's better to be pissed off rather than pissed on.
%%
It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all
doubt.
 -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
%%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
 -- Marty Winch
%%
It's better to burn out than to rust out.
%%
It's better to deliver something soon than nothing late.
 -- Eric Firdman, Pacific Bell Software Development Executive director
%%
It's better to divorce than to murder.
%%
It's better to dream of an Amiga than own a PC.
%%
It's better to duck than to hurry yourself out of this world by thinking you
can roll with the punches.
%%
It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear.
 -- Freeman Dyson

Freeman did indeed say that, but I'm probably the only person who was
listening to him at the time.    So, you won't find it written in any of
his books.
 -- Russell Nelson
%%
It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
 -- Philip Gibbs
%%
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
%%
It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
%%
It's better to not be where the news is.
 -- General Rule #6
%%
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
 -- Charles A. Mosher
%%
It's beyond my control.
 -- The Veconte, from Dangerous Liasons
%%
It's called "enunciation", Dr. Elders. I suggest you try it.
%%
It's called EVIL, kid.
%%
It's called getting it in the NEC.
%%
It's called "Windows" because it's such a "pane" to use.
%%
It's certainly not over yet with five minutes left in the first half.
%%
It's chaos pure and simple [with detail of Mandelbrot set].
%%
It's Chief O'Brien.  He's wed, Jim.
%%
It's classified.  I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
 -- Top Gun
%%
It's colder than a witches t*t in a brass bra on the 12th of January!
%%
It's comin' apart, Lad
 -- Scotty
%%
"It's commode huggin' time in the valley"
 -- Stupid country song titles #10
%%
Its constitution the glittering and sounding generalities
 -- Rufus Choate (1799-1859)
 -- Letter to the Maine Whig Committee, 1856
%%
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.
 -- J. C. R. Licklider
%%
It's curtains fa you, pal, CURTAINS!  Why, they're LOVELY..
%%
It's curtains for Windows!
%%
It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!   This gun is so futuristic that even
 *I* don't know how it works!
 -- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%%
It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely.
 -- Cole Porter
%%
It's difficult to be depressed while you're doing something.
%%
Itsdifficulttobeverycreativewithonlyfiftysevencharacters
%%
It's difficult to explain to a mouse that black cats are lucky.
%%
It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with
turkeys.
 -- Langsam's Ornithological Axiom
%%
It's easier said than done. ... and if you don't believe it,
try proving that it's easier done than said,
and you'll see that it's easier said
that `it's easier done than said' than it is done,
which really proves that it's easier said than done.
%%
It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
 -- Don Price
%%
It's easier to be original and foolish than original and wise.
 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
%%
It's easier to curse the candle than light the darkness.
%%
It's easier to do good then be good.
%%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.
%%
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
%%
It's easier to listen than it is to think.
 -- Andy Rooney, on the popularity of television
%%
It's Easier to Put on Slippers. Then To Carpet The World.
%%
It's easier to see how funny life is when somebody else is living it.
%%
It's easier to seek
 forgiveness than permission.
 -- Frank Hamilton
%%
Its easier to see the frame when you're not interested in the picture.
%%
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
%%
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
%%
It's easy to be egotistical, when you don't know anything.
%%
It's easy to come and go... The hard thing is to remain.
%%
It's easy to direct while acting--there's one less person to argue with.
 -- Roman Polanski
%%
It's easy to drop a cucumber.
 -- Reasons why cucumbers are better than men
%%
It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
 -- Augustine's Law Number XXI
 -- Norman R. Augustine, President and CEO, Martin Marietta
%%
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
 -- M. Grundler
%%
It's easy to make decisions if you ignore the facts.
%%
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I guess
 that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and
 forth, wanting that money.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
It's easy to stop making mistakes.  Just stop having ideas.
%%
It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain- it doesn't fit.
%%
"It seemed like the thing to do at the time."
 -- Law of Historical Causation
 -- Michael Uhlmann
%%
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones
  slept better...  while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
  more.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
  "It seemed to me," said Wonko the Sane, "that any
civilization that had so far lost its head as to need
to include a set of detailed instructions for use in
a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization
in which I could live and stay sane."
 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate
with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up
the telephone, and dial.  My phone would ring, and it would be him,
but it was just this squawking and cheeping.  "What?! What?!" I would
yell back, but he never did speak English.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
It seems, Admiral, that I've got all his marbles.
 -- McCoy
%%
Itseemsalittlecrowdedinheredontyouthink?
%%
It seems easy to understand those who long for things as they were. You
 used to get a free sandwich with a dime beer. Now, you get stale crackers
 with a three buck cocktail with lots of ice.
%%
It seems highly impractical for us to be thinking of lengthing the school
 year when it is already so difficult to get in all those back to school
 sales that we now have.
%%
It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man's life
is made up of nothing but the habits he has accumulated
during the first half.
 -- Feodor Dostoyevski, "The Possessed"
%%
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
 -- Calvin & Hobbes
%%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to,
 the more he loves the flag.
%%
It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question.
 -- Seymour Cray
%%
It seems prostitutes have already moved into the hotels at the new
EuroDisney resort outside Paris.  Apparently the cost is $50 to do
it Goofy style,  or $100 for a straight Donald Duck.
 -- Heard on the BBC's "Have I got News for You" programme...
%%
It seems safe to say that significant discovery, really creative thinking,
does not occur with regard to problems about which the thinker is lukewarm.
 -- Mary Henle
%%
It seems she hangs
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear.
 -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Romeo and Juliet
 -- Act i, Sc. 5
%%
It seems that all of those secret police guys in East Germany won't be
jobless for long.  Most of the field agents have been snapped up by
cab companies, since they know their areas so well, and the desk
workers have been hired as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new
dispatchers is that all they need is the name of the customer and they
can give the cabbies the address.
%%
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California.  Yep,
she has started a business telling people's fortunes.  But, she
doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath.
Thats, right, the sign outside reads:
 Super California Mystic
Expert Halitosis.
%%
It seems that nature has concealed at the bottom of our minds, talents
and abilities of which we are not aware. The passions alone have
the privilege of bringing them to light, and of giving us sometimes
views more certain and more perfect than art could possible produce.
 -- La Rochefoucauld
%%
It seems the part of wisdom.
 -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
 -- Book iv, The Winter Evening, Line 336
%%
It seems these two Airmen decided to rob the local 7-11, a stupid move
in and of itself.  But wait, its stupid to rob a store when you're in
the military 'cause the haircut will give you away every time.  But
wait again, its even stupider to do it in UNIFORM with you NAME
emblazoned in 1 inch letters on the front.  But wait yet again, its
even stupider to tie up the clerk and try and ring up customers
purchases from behind the register while in uniform outside an Air
Force base.  Especially when your first customer is a Chief Master Sgt.
%%
It seems to be a fairly good sign that your memory is slipping if you can't
 even recall those things you are trying to forget because you can't
 remember them as things you are trying to forget.
%%
It seems to be a salubrious verisimilitude that fish are squamous.
%%
...[I]t seems to be the fate of idealists to obtain what they have
 struggled for in a form which destroys their ideals.
 -- Bertrand Russell
%%
It seems to be uncontaminated by cheese.
%%
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
%%
It seems to me (said she) that you are in some brown study.
 -- John Lyly (c. 1554-1606)
 -- Euphues, 1579 (Arber's reprint), Page 80
%%
It seems to me that if you're a Saint, you don't *need* Rhythm,
and if you use Rhythm, you *ain't* no Saint!
 -- A comment concerning Paul Simon's album, "Rhythm of the Saints"
%%
It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.
%%
It seems to me that you've lived your life like a candle in the wind
 -- Candle In The Wind
 --  Elton John
%%
It seems to me the uses of tobacco aren't obvious right off the bat ... You
 can shred it up and put it on a piece of paper and roll it up ... and stick
 it between your lips ... and then you set fire to it! Then what do you do?
 You inhale the smoke. It seems offhand you could stand in front of your
 fireplace and have the same thing going.
 -- Bob Newhart
%%
 It seems to me to be a typical triumph of modern science to find the
 only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.
 -- Evelyn Waugh
 -- when Randolph Churchill had a benign tumour removed from his lung
%%
It seems you keep overlooking a sign reading "No trespassing"!
%%
 "It's eight o'clock, sir!"
 "Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?"
 -- Overheard in hotel
%%
It's either very early or very late.
%%
It seldom pays to be rude. It never pays to be only half-rude.
 -- Norman Douglas (1868-1952; British Author)
%%
It's Ensign Clampett.  He's Jed, Jim!
%%
It's Ensign Coward.  He's fled, Jim!
%%
It's Ensign Flintstone, Jim... He's FRED!!!
%%
It's Ensign Lestat, Jim. He's undead.
%%
It's Ensign Pillsbury ... he's bread, Jim!
%%
It's extremely hard to fold a Buffalo.
%%
It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
 -- Macy's
%%
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
 -- Oscar Wilde
%%
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we
 can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary
 Skeletons.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
Its fatal to be appreciated in one's own time.
%%
It's feminizm, stupid!
%%
"It's fifteen hundred miles to Ankh-Morpork" he said.  "We've got
 three hundred and sixty three elephants, fifty carts of forage, the
 monsoon's about to break and we're wearing ... we're wearing ... sort
 of things, like glass, only dark... dark glass things on our eyes..."
 -- Terry Pratchett "Moving Pictures".
%%
It's funny because *I* said it!
%%
It's funny. You come some place new and everything looks the same.
%%
It's fun to harm people while they play twister.
%%
It's getting _REAL_ hot, and Clinton's selling handbaskets!
%%
It's getting *SO* bad that Chelsea wants to be put up for adoption.
%%
It's getting *SO* bad that Chelsea wants to divorce her parents.
%%
It's getting so it's hard to laugh about disasters.
%%
It's getting very bad, boys.
We don't blow up trucks anymore.
 -- Denis Leary from "Are you Man enough?"
%%
It's good to be just plain happy; it's a little better to know that you're
happy; but to understand that you're happy and to know why and how, in what
way, because of what concatenation of events or circumstances, and still be
happy, be happy in the being and the knowing, well, that is beyond happiness
-- that is bliss, and if you have any sense you ought to kill yourself on the
spot and be done with it.
 -- Henry Miller, "The Colossus of Maroussi"
%%
Its GOOD to be the King! (Mel Brooks)
%%
It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full
responsibility for me.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and
 it gets in your clothes. You go, "What should I wear tonight?" "I don't
 know, honey, how about something menthol?"
 -- George Lopez
%%
It's got so that if a man opens a door for a lady to go through first, he's
 the doorman.
 -- Mae West
%%
It's got to be the goin',
Not the gettin' there that's good.
 -- Harry Chapin
%%
It's great AND less filling.
%%
It's great to be a Faust, even in a pack of other Fausts.
 -- Fritz Leiber, 'The Big Time'
%%
It's great to be a part of something so good that's lasted so long.
%%
It's great to be great, but greater to be me.
%%
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
%%
It's great to be young and insane.
 -- Michael Keaton, The Dream Team
%%
It's great to do nothing and rest afterwards.
%%
It's great to hear your voice, Captain. We're a little busy right now.
  I'll get right back to you.
 -- Geordi, "Arsenal of Freedom", stardate 41798.2
%%
It's green.
 -- Scotty
%%
It 's guid to be merry and wise,
It 's guid to be honest and true,
It 's guid to support Caledonia's cause,
And bide by the buff and the blue.
 -- Robert Burns (1759-1796)
 -- Here 's a Health to Them that 's Awa'
%%
It shall be called....THE EARTH!
%%
It shall be said: He died as he had lived: In his sleep.
%%
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
municipality.
 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
%%
Its hard being BLUE.
%%
It's hard having a big nose. All my pullover shirts have stretch marks. I
 go to the beach, my friends make me lie on my back facing north so they can
 tell time. I can't go in the ocean--I'll be doing the backstroke and
 someone'll shout, "Shark!"
 -- Rick Corso
%%
 It's hard playing against a man.
 -- About Martina Navratilova
%%
It's hard to argue against the right when the right is so right!
%%
It's hard to argue with someone who knows what he's talking about.
%%
It's hard to be a James Bond in an Abbott and Costello world.
%%
Its hard to be graceful getting off your high horse.
%%
It's hard to be humble when your abilities exceed your ego.
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're having so much fun.
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect!
%%
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
%%
It's hard to believe it, but some teens are humans.
%%
It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
  felt can do so much harm.
That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's
  what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A
  mistaken idea.
 -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0
%%
It's hard to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic just because she lives
 in your body!
 -- Judy Tenuta
%%
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
%%
It's hard to be one of the thousand points of light
when you can't pay your electric bill.
%%
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
%%
It's hard to call the zoo when the lion's busy.
%%
It's hard to communicate when you already know what you want to hear.
%%
It's hard to decide if T.V. makes morons out of everyone or if it
mirrors Americans who really are morons to begin with.
 -- Martin Mull
%%
It's hard to face tomorrow, but it's easier than facing no tomorrow.
%%
It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
 -- Sally Kempton
%%
It's hard to figure out the landlord of an apartment complex who will
 discourage children from being tenants, yet allow rock band players.
%%
It's hard to find a good driver these days, one with
character and style.
%%
It's hard to imagine what one would do with a ferret and Vasoline.
%%
It's hard to keep a wife admired by everyone, and it's hard to live with a wife
admired by no one.
%%
It's hard to make a living writing taglines.
%%
It's hard to predict the future when liberals keep changing the past.
%%
It's hard to read the writing on the wall when you've got your back to it.
%%
It's hard to remain true to a changing self.
%%
It's hard to RTFM if you can't *find* the FM...
%%
It's hard to say who brags more, the reformed smoker or the guy whose
car gets 30 miles to the gallon.
 -- James Alexander
%%
It's hard to see a halo, when all you see are horns.
%%
Its hard to see if you won't open your ears.
%%
It's hard to seize the day when first you've got to
grapple with the morning
%%
It's hard to sing with an empty glass.
%%
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
%%
It's hard to strike a balance between keeping an open mind
and being a sucker.
 -- Joe Quigley
%%
It's hard to think of germicidal warfare as an international crime when
 much of what you do in your kitchen is part of the same war.
%%
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions
of years of evolution
%%
It's hard to type when you gotta go Baaaad... ummmmm...
%%
iT's HArD tO tYPe WHilE HolDiNG a cAT...
%%
It's he and his Dancing Teeth!
%%
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you're why he's nervous!
%%
It's here at last! Rush job; nobody knew it was coming.
%%
IT'S HERE AT LAST .......... We've released a 26 week project in 48 weeks
 -- computer terms as seen from a Marketing point of view
%%
It shew'd discretion, the best part of valour.
 -- Beaumont and Fletcher
 -- A King and No King, Act iv, Sc. 3
%%
It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty.
%%
It should be Hillary Ram-rod Clinton.
%%
It should be that simple, Wesley. Judging by her appearance, it is likely
  you and Salia are biologically compatible. Of course, there could be a
  difference in the histocompatibility complex if the cell membrane, but-
Data, I want to meet her, not dissect her.
 -- Data and Wesley, "The Dauphin", stardate 42568.8
%%
It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that the Internet has evolved
into a force strong enough to reflect the greatest hopes and fears
of those who use it.  After all, it was designed to withstand nuclear
war, not just the puny huffs and puffs of politicians and religious
fanatics.
 -- Denise Caruso (digital commerce columnist, New York Times)
%%
It shows a definite lack of originality to make the same mistakes over and
 over, when there are so many mistakes to be made yet, for the first time.
%%
It shows "us vs. them," and I'm on the "us" side.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
It shows "us vs. them," and I'm on the "us" side.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle explaining the strategy behind
                   his twitting of "cultural elites."
                   (The Indianapolis Star, 6/14/92 - taken from the Quayle
                   Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
%%
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
%%
It's immature and silly, but then again -- so is high school.
 -- Mathew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off
%%
It's impolite to silence a fool and cruel to let him go on.
%%
It's important to remember that just because there are crooks, zealots
and morons supporting a position, it does not automatically follow
that the position is wrong.
 -- Jan D. Wolter
%%
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
 -- Writing Rule 13
%%
It's impossible to keep tabs on blondes, so use VISA!
%%
It's in an advanced stage of development...
%%
It's incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove
nonsense.
 -- Fredrich Hebbel
%%
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like
 apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some
 were probably hit by cars.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you
don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either.
It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%%
It's, it's, it's a Dalek Attack!
 -- F. Mercury as a Whovian
%%
It's just a jump to the left and then a step to the right.
%%
It's just a jump to the left
  And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips
    And pull your knees in tight.
It's the pelvic thrust
 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane

 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
%%
It's just a matter of time before we're late.
 -- Michael Walsh
%%
It's just his opinion...but he's wrong!
%%
It's just like life.  Only more so.
%%
Its(just(my(nesting(instinct(I(guess()))))));
%%
It's just so uninteresting to live without love.  Life has not risk.
Love just seems to make life not just livable, but a gallant, gallant
event.
 -- Toni Morrison
%%
... it's just what usually happens is propaganda from the right is perceived as
actuality, and propaganda from the left is perceived as propaganda...
 -- Art Spiegelman
%%
 "It's kinda funny. When I see my name anywhere, it's (often) the
'60's this or the '60's that. I can't figure out sometimes if people
think I'm dead or alive"
 -- Bob Dylan, 1985 interview
%%
It's Kinda Like A Symbiosis, But More Expensive...
%%
It's kind of fun to Consummate the Impossible.
%%
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
 -- Walt Disney
%%
It's Late. Go To Sleep.
%%
It's later than you think.
%%
It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission
has already begun.
%%
It slices, it dices.
%%
It slices, it dices, it locks up Windows.
%%
It slices! It dices! It makes mounds and mounds
 of mouth-watering coleslaw!
%%
It's Lieutenant Flintstone.  He's Fred, Jim.
%%
It's life, Jim... but not as we know it.
 -- Spock
%%
It's like a beer commercial.
 -- Crow T. Robot.
%%
It's like brother Nietzsche said--being human is a
complicated gig, so give that dark night of the soul a hug
and howl the eternal yes.
%%
It's like deja-vu, all over again.
 -- Yogi Berra
%%
It's like having Kim Bassinger and a cattle prod AT THE SAME TIME!
%%
It's like looking for a camel in a haystack.
%%
It's like nothing we've ever seen before, captain!
%%
It's like pissing your pants to keep yourself warm.
 -- Disparaging Danish engineering proverb describing short-term solutions
%%
Its like 'safe sex'....only SAFER!
%%
It's like signing a 356-page contract without knowing what's in it.
 -- On getting married
%%
It's like that story...'The Prince and the Porpoise'.
'...and the _Pauper_', sir.
Oh, yes, yes, 'The Prince and the Porpoise...and the Pauper'.
 -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
It's like the blonde leading the blonde...
%%
It's like The Knack and The Bay City Rollers being molested by Black
Flag and Black Sabbath.
 -- Kurt Cobain, lead singer and guitarist of Nirvana describing
 -- their group's musical style
%%
It's like the old pie-in-the-face routine:   it stops being funny when it
        starts being you.
 -- Stephen King, _The Stand_ (uncut)
%%
It's Like This

Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
%%
It's like this in most marriages, the bride appears simply stunning and the
 broom, simply stunned.
%%
It's like those miserable Psalms...they're so depressing!
%%
It's like trying to find a fart in a jaccuzi.
 -- Lister
%%
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
%%
It's lots of fun to blow bubbles but it's wiser to prick them before
someone else tries to.
 -- Oswald Avery
%%
It's love, it's love that makes the world go round.
%%
It's Magic!: Sven Gali
%%
It's Marvin.  He called to wash his head at us.
%%
Its Mega Maid!  She's switched from 'suck' to 'blow'!
%%
It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
%%
It's men who make laws, and enforce them, and break them, and think
the whole performance is wonderful.  Most women would rather just
ignore them.
 -- Ursula K. Le Guin
%%
It's me speaking, not my company.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
It's me who said it, not my company.
 All information given without warranty on a best guess basis.
 -- DISCLAIMER
%%
It's Miller Time!
%%
It's mine! All mine!!!
 -- Donald Duck
%%
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

 -- Canada Bill Jone's Motto
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
 -- Supplement
%%
It's more a sort of electronic sulking machine.
%%
It's more than a reader.  It's a message base manager!
%%
Its more than good enough so I ain't switch'n.
%%
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
 -- Sam Goldwyn
%%
It's morning in An Tir, and it's not my fault!
%%
It's my birthday today! Hooray.
%%
It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.
%%
It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it,
it goes in.
 -- karl
%%
It's my decision, and I'm making it. Maybe.
%%
It's MY idea 'cause I stole it first!
%%
It's MY life, MY body, MY baby. I can kill it if I want to.
%%
It's my party and I'll Snubb who I want!
%%
It's my pen name, oh! Pseu, Pseu, Pseudonym!
%%
It's my understanding that one of the duties of the First Officer on a
  Klingon ship is to assassinate the Captain.
"Yes, sir. When and if the Captain becomes weak and unable to perform,
  it is expected that his honorable retirement should be assisted by his
  First. The Second Officer would assassinate you for the same reasons."
This method of attrition could take a little getting used to.
 -- Riker and Worf, "A Matter of Honor", stardate 42506.5
%%
Its never as easy as the manual says it is!
%%
It's never as easy as you think.
%%
It's never easy, rarely fun, and always expensive...
%%
It's never enough, never enough; it's never enough!!
%%
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
%%
It's NEW!  Malibu Barbie's torture chamber!
%%
It's nice to be important, but just as important to be nice.
%%
It's nice to be in a position where people apologize because they
assume there's humor in your work, based on past experience,
but they're not sure where it is.
 -- Rob Pike
%%
It's nice to be nice to the nice.
 -- Frank Burns, M*A*S*H
%%
It's nobody's business, not even mine.
%%
It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase
 As pretty as an airport appear.
 --  Douglas Adams
%%
"It's no longer a blue world, Max.  Where can we go?"
"Argentina?"
 -- Yellow Submarine
%%
It's no longer a crime bill, it's Bill's Crime.
%%
It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding a
 sickness you like.
 -- Jackie Mason
%%
It's no longer socially acceptable to talk about rape as a crime of
 passion, boys; it's like making jokes about black people and
 watermelons.   Unless you're from the barefoot and pregnant school of
 social relations, you should have enough sensitivity to avoid
 discussing extremely unpleasant violent acts in a flippant manner in
 front of people who must live in fear of being potential victims, or
 who are likely acquaintances of actual ones.

 Jim Muller is of course an exception, because he's an artiste.
 -- Dave Touretzky
%%
Its no ordinary key tag, its my PPT. Time Trax
%%
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
 -- George Burns
%%
It's no sweat, Henry.   Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.  So he'll
regenerate in a couple of days.  It's just awful sloppy of him to get killed in
the first place.  Humph!
 -- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics
%%
It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machin.
%%
It's not a BBS, but it plays one on TV.
%%
It's not a BBS, it's a concept.
%%
It's not a beer belly. It's a fuel tank for a sex machine.
%%
It's not a black or a white thing.  It's a death thing.
%%
It's not a bug, it's not a feature, it's an ENHANCEMENT.
%%
It's not a bug, it's our does-the-user-use-it feature.
%%
It's not a choice -- it's a child!
%%
It's not a dungeon--it's a fortified underground defense installation.
%%
It's not a matter of life or death, but what is?  What is?
%%
It's Not A Message.  I Think It's A Warning
 -- Ripley, Alien.
%%
It's not a Mystery Reader anymore.
%%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
 -- Phil White
%%
It's not a person, damnit! It's a Borg!
%%
It's not a question of harm. One William Riker is...unique, perhaps
  even special. But a hundred of him, a thousand of him, diminishes
  me in ways I can't even imagine.
 -- Riker about cloning, "Up the Long Ladder", stardate 42823.2
%%
It's not a stolen tagline, it's just "previously viewed."
%%
It's not a trick, it's a joke.
 -- SONY TV commercial   JTD

 --  Charles Chaplin for IBM.
%%
It's not a virus - it's been Windows
%%
It's not brain surgery.  It's not nuclear physics. It's television.
It's only television.
 -- Linda Ellerbee
%%
It's not broken because I haven't fixed it yet.
%%
It's not broken... it's just functionally challenged.
%%
It's NOT Burnt, It's well done!
%%
It's not by amusing oneself that one learns.
 -- Anatole France (1844-1924)
It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn.
 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
%%
It's not called cocaine anymore. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
 -- Biliam Coronel
%%
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%%
It's not cute being this easy.
%%
It's not dark, it's just illuminally challenged.
%%
It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
%%
Its not down. Its resting!
 -- dan, 1984
%%
It's not easy being a baby putty kat!
%%
It's not easy being a cast iron bitch. It takes years
of practice. Most people don't appreciate that.
%%
It's not easy being this cute.
%%
It's not easy for a night person to work days.
%%
It's not easy having a good time.
%%
Its not easy having a good time
 -- Dr. Frank'N'Furter
"Try Disneyland on acid!"
 -- The audience
%%
It's not easy having a good time; even smiling makes my face ache.
%%
It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.
 -- Hawkeye's Conclusion
%%
"It's not enough knowing good from rotten..."
                                         "You're telling me."
"When something new pops up every day."
                                         "You're telling me!"
"It's only new, though, for now..."
                                                       "Nouveau!"
"But yesterday's forgotten..."
                           "...and tomorrow is already passe!"
"There's no surprise."
      "That is the state of the art, my friend!
      That is the state of the art!"
 -- Stephen Sondheim, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE
%%
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
 -- Alexander Korda
%%
It's not expensive to go to a fortune teller, they usually charge medium
 prices.
%%
It's not fear of striking out that makes me reluctant to step up to the
plate.  It's the fear of getting hit in the head by a 90 mph fastball, the
pitcher coming off of the mound to stomp me with her cleats while I am
down, the rest of the opposing team rushing out of the dugout hurling
insults as they kick me and spit on me, while all along the crowd in the
stands is cheering them on and laughing at my failure.  So, no, it's not
the fear of striking out that keeps me from stepping up to the plate.
 -- Jim Copeland
%%
It's not for me to say...
%%
It's not for you or I, Carruthers; nor for the regiment: it's for the Empire.
%%
It's not GEEK - it's SOCIALLY CHALLENGED, dammit!
%%
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones
 on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put
 it on and really scare you.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
It's not hard to get the ideas when they come, they just come...it's
painful waiting for them.
 -- Warren Zevon
%%
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
%%
It's not hard to tell we was poor--when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on
 the clothesline.
 -- George "Goober" Lindsey
%%
It's nothing a warm-boot can't fix.
%%
It's not how deep you can plow, it's how long you can stay in the field.
%%
It's not how deep you fish it's how you wiggle your worm!
%%
It's not how hard it rains but how fast you drive.
%%
It's not how little you have, but how poorly you use it.
%%
It's not how long you make it, it's how you make it long.
%%
It's not how much money you make; it's how much you save that counts!
%%
It's not hungry (it's merely pinin' for the fjords). Besides, you
have have no bird seed.
%%
It's not ideal, but it works.
%%
It's not IF your hard drive crashes but WHEN!
%%
It's not impossible, just highly improbable.
 -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
It's not in the manual !!!!!
%%
It's not just a BBS...it's an adventure.
%%
It's not just a computer     -- it's your ass.
 -- Cal Keegan
%%
It's not just a hobby, it's an adventure!
%%
It's not just a job, it's a BBS.
%%
It's not just a phone line, it's $5.70 a month.
%%
It's not just a spaceship!  Its a transformer!
%%
It's not just reality that matters.
%%
It's not like Data to be so secretive.
And cautious. He's got that lab locked every minute.
Now how do you know that?
 -- Troi, Wesley, and Geordi, "The Offspring", stardate 43657.0
%%
It's not line noise...it's ALIEN INVADERS!
%%
It's not lost, I'm just unsure of it's position.
%%
"It's not me I'm worried about... It's your mother...
Pining away her twilight years..."
"It's a terrible thing when a mother spends her old age
in a pine tree."
 -- Cerebus
%%
It's not me, my computer is illeterate.
%%
It's not my FAULT.
%%
It's NOT my fault!!!
 -- Han Solo (and a cast of thousands)
%%
It's not my Goddamn planet! Understand, Monkey-Boy?
 -- Buckaroo Banzai, played by Peter Weller
%%
It's not my planet monkeyboy.
%%
It's not necessarily the coldest woman that gets the fur coat.
%%
It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.
%%
It's not nice to fool Mother Nature, and it doesn't look too good, either.
 Have you seen Tammy Faye Bakker recently?
%%
It's not nice to fool with Mother Daemon!!
%%
It's not nice to put the moderator on the twit list.
%%
It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom
window or outside your bedroom, period.
 -- Groucho Marx
%%
It's not open for debate. This baby is coming.
 -- Keiko.
%%
It's not over until Milli Vanilli sings!
%%
It's not over until the final whistle blows.
%%
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment.  It's boundless joy and ecstasy
for me.
 -- Kugell
%%
It's not pinging.  It's passed on.  This program is no
more.  It's expired and gone to meet its make-r.  This is a
late program.  It's a stiff...  *This is an X program.*
%%
It's not plagiarism if you would have said it the
same way had you said it first.
 -- The Law of Imitation
It's not plagiarism if
you would have said it the same way had you said it first.
 -- Biden's Corollary to the Law of Imitation
%%
It's not poisonous.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
It's not pretty being easy!
%%
It's not procrastination, it's my new Just-In-Time Workload Management System!
%%
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
%%
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%%
It's not really ugly, it's human.
%%
It's no trick to make a lot of money, if all you want to do is make a lot
 of money.
 -- Everett Sloane (in Citizen Kane,
 screenplay by Herman Mankiewicz and Orson Welles)

 If you've got it, flaunt it!
 -- Zero Mostel (in The Producers, screenplay by Mel Brooks)
%%
It's not safe out here! It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate
  desires both subtle and gross...but it's not for the timid.
 -- Q, "Q-Who?", stardate 42761.3
%%
It's not safe to Save.
%%
It's not so hard to be married,
 When two maneuver as one;
 It's not so hard to be married,
 And, Jesus Christ, is it fun.
 -- Stephen Sondheim, COMPANY
%%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
the ground.
 -- Daniel B. Luten
%%
It's not sport if you can talk afterwards.
%%
It's not that I disagree with Bush...I just think that he *is* the son of
Satan!Anyone is advertising or marketing?...Kill yourself. Now. No, I mean it,
really.
%%
It's not that I don't believe in the system--I don't
believe that there IS a system.
%%
 ... it's not that I don't suffer, it's that I know the unimportance of
suffering, I know that pain is to be fought and thrown aside, not to be
accepted as part of one's soul and as a permanent scar across one's
view of existence.
 -- John Galt
%%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when
it happens.
 -- Woody Allen
%%
It's not that life is so short, it's that you're dead for so long.
%%
It's not that simple, no matter how you wish it so.  You made public
 statements from a position of false authority;  now you're having them
 shoved down your throat.  Welcome to netnews.
%%
It's not that simple. [the initial letter is heavily ornamented]
%%
It's not that they die, but that they die like sheep.
%%
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are
 such fools.
%%
It's not the act but the word is the test...
%%
It's not the age - it's the mileage!
%%
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole!
%%
It's not the cold, it's the lack of humidity.
 -- Charade
%%
It's not the drunken drivers who cause the trouble here; it's these young
 guys in their little German cars, switching lanes and giving each other
 the finger.
 -- Highway Patrolman in Santa Clara County
%%
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below.
%%
It's not the gay coat that makes the Gentleman.
 -- Proverb
%%
It's not the length, but the roundth!
%%
It's not the men in my life; it's the life in my men.
 -- Mae West
%%
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
%%
It's not the quantity of the troop that's important, but the quality.
%%
It's not the shape, it's not the size, it's how many times you can
 make it rise.
%%
It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean.
%%
It's not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves.
 -- Little Richard
%%
It's not the size of your engine, it's the way you shift it.
%%
It's not the size of your sig, it's what you do with it
%%
It's not the Society for Compulsive Authenticity!
%%
It's not the tobacco we're after, it's the fire
%%
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
%%
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
 -- Garfield
%%
It's not the world that's got so much worse but
 the news coverage that's got so much better.
 -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
%%
It's not the years--it's the mileage.
%%
It's not to control, but to protect the citizens of Singapore.  In our
society, you can state your views, but they have to be correct."
 -- Ernie Hai, coordinator of the Singapore Government Internet Project,
 -- explains his government's policy on (lack of) Internet access
%%
It's not to keep him from running off our property. It's to protect my
putting green.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle telling a guest at his house
                   why his dog, Breezy, wears a special collar that emits
                   a painful jolt of electricity should the dog try to
                   run away. (reported in the NY Daily News, 6/30/92 -
                   taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 92)
%%
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one
 damn thing over and over.
 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)
%%
It's not true that nice guys finish last.  Nice guys are winners before
the game even starts.
 -- Addison Walker
%%
It's not very flash but works OK.
%%
It's not what we don't know that gets us into trouble, it's what we know that
 ain't so.
 -- Will Rogers
%%
Its not what you do, its the way that you do it.
%%
It's Not What You Know, But Who You Know.
%%
It's not what you know, it's what you think you know.
 -- Steve Martin
%%
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
%%
It's not what you say, it's what I think you said.
%%
It's not what you see that is art. Art is the gap.
 -- Marcel Duchamp
%%
It's not what you write that counts, it's how it's read.
%%
It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
%%
It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.
 -- Vince Lombardi
%%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how good you look playing!
 -- David Lee Roth
%%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
 -- Grantland Rice
%%
It's not who wins or loses, it's who keeps score.
%%
It's not worth it.  I'm going back to bed.
%%
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree.
It's what you do with your life that counts.
 -- Millard Fuller, in "Time", 16 January 1989
%%
It's no use crying over spilt milk, because all the forces of the
universe were bent on spilling it.
 -- William Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)
%%
It's no use crying over spilt milk; it only makes it salty for the cat.
%%
It's NO USE..  I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's now tomorrow.
%%
It's OBVIOUS..  The FURS never reached ISTANBUL..  You were
 an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''..  Go home to your
 WIFE..  She's making FRENCH TOAST!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which I is capitalized; in many
other languages You is capitalized and the i is lower case.
 -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
It's odd how sin must advertise in gaudy trappings. One would think
it would be darker, more discreet.
%%
It's odd that you can get so anesthetized to your
 own pain or your own problem that you don't quite
 fully share the hell of someone close to you.
 -- Lady Bird Johnson
%%
It's okay, Bob, the confusion, it's all in your mind.
%%
It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
%%
It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
%%
It's okay to hurt, it's okay to cry...
%%
It's okay to laugh in the bedroom, but don't point.
%%
It's okay to leave a party with a different Beer than you arrived with.
%%
It's okay to take apart a roll and look at it and see the little seeds
 in it.    But for some reason it's not okay to take apart a spleen...
 -- David Lynch
%%
It's OK for women to laugh at men, just don't point.
%%
It's OK, I'll pack on the plane.
 -- My Mom is off to London
%%
It's O.K., they're speaking Chinese.
%%
It's OK to do the right thing... as long as you don't get caught.
 -- The Lone Contractor
%%
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
%%
-It's OK to meet girl in park, but much better to park meat in girl!
 -- Confucius Says
%%
It's OK to prick your finger.  It's not OK to . . .
%%
It's OK to wait for your ship to come in, provided of course, that it was
 sent out in the first place.
%%
It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born.
 This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep
 your wits about you and borrow some money.
 -- Elinor Goulding Smith
%%
It sometimes seems as though we were trying to combine the ideal
of no schools at all with the democratic ideal of schools for everybody
by having schools without education.
 -- Robert Maynard Hutchins
%%
It's one small step for <trip, stumble><*CRASH*>...Dammit!!!
%%
It's only a game until you lose.
%%
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a hobby.
%%
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a -- NO, IT'S MY LIFE!!!
%%
Its only a macro, only a macro, only a macro...
%%
It's only at mid-life that a Betazoid female becomes...well...fully
  sexual if you know what I mean.
 -- Troi, "Man Hunt", stardate 42859.2
%%
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
 -- Roger Noe
%%
"It's only cheating, if you get caught".
 -- Al Bundy, Married with Children
%%
It's only cheating when you get caught!
%%
It's only fair to mention Wesley in a log entry, sir.
Fair is fair. And let's credit his science teacher, too.
 -- Riker and Picard, "The Naked Now", stardate 41209.2
%%
It's only gone wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget
which have streched supervisory resources beyond the limit.
 -- The Comprehensive Schools excuse
%%
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
%%
It's only my opinion, but it's better than yours.
%%
It's only words . . . unless they're true.
 -- David Mamet
%%
It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
 -- Calvin
%%
It's on that one, the 6th unlabeled floppy.
%%
It's on the other side.
 -- Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning
%%
It's on the other side.
 -- Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning
%%
It's OS/2, Jim, but not OS/2 as we know it.
%%
...it's people like you what cause unrest.
 -- Monty Python
%%
It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy.
%%
It's perfectly safe.  Let me show you.
 -- Famous Last Words
%%
It's plain, nobody's perfect.
 -- Fee Waybill
%%
It's possible to fight intolerance, stupidity, and fanaticism
when they come separately.  When you get all three together
it's probably wiser to get out, if only to preserve one's
sanity.
 -- Adam Dalgliesh, in Devices and Desires, by P.D. James.
%%
It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.
 -- Charles Bukowski
%%
It's possible to use karate against a swarm of plankton-
-but it won't help
%%
It's potato, not potatoe.
%%
It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and
feel angry [with picture of penguin]
%%
It's probably a bad day when, you find a dead fish in your underwear.
%%
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to
 the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you
 spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
It's probably treason! I'm too young to go to the Tower.
 -- Ace, Silver Nemesis, stories with flashbacks
%%
Its rabbit season. Its duck season.
%%
It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is...dead, Jim.
%%
It's raining like a bandit..
%%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
%%
It's rather a pity in a way. Now the universe is down to 699 wonders.
 -- Doctor, DEATH TO THE DALEKS
%%
It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?
 -- Post Brothers comics
%%
It's really good having an effulgent personality.
%%
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
%%
It's redundant!  It's redundant!
 -- R. E. Dundant
%%
It's Rodham Hood! She steals from everyone and gives to the gov't!
%%
It's running like a scalded dog!
%%
It's rural America.  It's where I came from.  We always refer to ourselves
as real America.  Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle,  (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
%%
It's sad when human debris like Kurt Cobain becomes a role model.
%%
It's sad when human debris like Madonna becomes a role model.
%%
It's sad when human debris like Sister Souljah becomes a role model.
%%
It's sad when human debris like Tupak Shakur becomes a role model.
%%
It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's  more true  that
power attracts the corruptible.  The sane are usually attracted by
other things than power.  When  they do  act,  they  think of it as
service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for
which he is  insatiable, implacable.
 -- David Brin, The Postman
%%
It's seven o'clock and I wanna rock wanna get a belly full of beer.
%%
It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's joined the choir invisible!
%%
It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The
 truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins,
 traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons.
 -- Henry Miller
%%
It's simple. It's just things with chalk on a board.
 -- Helmut Vogel, when asked to explain a physics
equation
%%
It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode.
%%
It's slim pickings out there. When you're first single, you're so
 optimistic. At the beginning, you're like: I want to meet a guy who's
 really smart, really sweet, really good-looking, has a really great career
 ... Six months later, you're like: Lord, any mammal with a day job.
 -- Carol Leifer
%%
It's slower to do it quickly,
It's more expensive to do it cheaply,
And it's more democratic to do it in secret.
 -- The public servant's motto
%%
It's smarter to be lucky than it's lucky to be smart.
%%
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
%%
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
%%
It's so clean. It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
%%
It's so cold ... Father can't milk the cows by hand because he has to wear
 his wool mittens. This tickles the cows. They get hysterical and nothing
 comes out but cottage cheese.
 -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
%%
It's so easy to laugh
 It's so easy to hate
 It takes strength to be gentle and kind
 -- Morrissey
%%
It's so elegant that it's wrong.
%%
It's so loud I can hardly hear the voices in my head.
%%
It's someone else's fault!
%%
It's someone playing "Three Blind Mice" on the mouse organ.
%%
It's something of a tradition Guinan - the captain touring the ship before
  a battle.
Before a hopeless battle if I remember the tradition correctly.
Not necessarily, Nelson toured the HMS Victory before Trefalger.
But Nelson never returned from Trefalger.
No, but the battle was won.
 -- Picard & Guinan, "The Best of Both Worlds," stardate 43989.1.
%%
It's so much more friendly with two.
 -- Piglet, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne
%%
It's sort of like define pornography. You know it when you see one. You
know a cultural elitist when you see one.
[Jim Lehrer: Who are they?]
They know who they are.
[Jim Lehrer: Yes, but WHO ARE they?]
You know and I know.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle describing who he is talking
                   about when he refers to the cultural elite, 6/19/92
                   The McNeil/Lehrer Report. (taken from the Quayle
                   Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
%%
It's so simple to be wise.  Just think of something stupid to say
 and say the opposite.
 -- Sam Levenson
%%
It's so slow that FOR I=1 TO 2:NEXT I takes 6 weeks.
%%
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
%%
Its Spaceball one! They've gone to plaid!
%%
It's spring in England. I missed it last year. I was in the bathroom.
 -- Michael Flanders
%%
It's Springtime!: Theresa Green
%%
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
%%
It's still a mystery why three turn up at once.
%%
It's STILL not weird enough for me!!!
%%
It's such a little town our radio station can't identify itself. It's off
 the air now. Somebody tripped over the tower.
 -- Donna Jean Young
%%
It's sunning cats and dogs.
%%
It's supposed to rain today. Don't forget your rubbers.
%%
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%%
It's tagline poker.  Can you beat EIGHT aces...?
%%
It stared back at me, Escher-like.
 --  David Aylesworth
%%
"It's ten-o'clock, do you care where your parents are?"
 -- Happy Harry (Christian Slater), Pump Up The Volume
%%
It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?
 -- Peter Oakley
%%
It's ten o'clock, do you know where your processes are?
%%
It's the 61st anniversary of Jack Benny's 39th birthday!
%%
It's the Atilla the Hun Show on BBC2!
%%
It's the battle of the wigwams and the fighting's intents.
%%
It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes.
 -- Rick Obidiah
%%
It's the Borg!! Quick, everyone try to look useless!
%%
"It's the bottle against the bible in the battle for daddy's soul"
 -- Stupid country song titles #9
%%
It's the cats' house.  We just pay the mortgage.
%%
It's the criminals, Stupid!
%%
It's the custom of my people to help one another when we're in trouble.
 -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
%%
It's the early bird that gets the worm.
%%
It's the ecology, stupid!
%%
It's the empty can that makes the most noise.
%%
It's the end, but the moment has been prepared for.
%%
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
%%
It's the fallen women who are usually picked up.
%%
It's the goals that count.
%%
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
%%
It's The Gophers And The Rabbits! They're Conspiring...
%%
It's the judiciary, Stupid!
%%
It's the last straw that breaks the camel's back.
%%
It's the magazine that tells the Tommies the _truth_ about the War.
...Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since laws of
  fidelity were included in the French marriage service...
 -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
It's the majority of America that Conservatives oppose.
%%
It's the most pointless book since 'How to Learn French' was translated
  into French.
 -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
It's the most unhappy people who most fear change.
 -- Mignon McLaughlin
%%
It's the nexus of the crisis.
%%
It's the old dope peddler, spreading joy wherever he goes.
%%
It's the old, old story - 'droid meets 'droid, 'droid
becomes chameleon, 'droid loses chameleon, chameleon
turns into blob, 'droid gets blob back again, blob
meets blob, blob goes off with blob and 'droid loses
blob, chameleon and 'droid.
How many times have we seen that story?
%%
It's the one talent we all share -- even you....
 -- Avon
(on dying) to Vila.
%%
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
 raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
 not to.
 -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
It's the poor tool that blames its workman.
%%
It's the president, stupid!  (And vice versa.)
%%
It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
 -- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's the Rush to buy orange juice 1994!
%%
It's the same thing said Pooh.
%%
It's the things that nobody knows anything about that we can discuss...
 -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988)
%%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%%
IT'S THE TWO GODDAMNED CULTURES AGAIN !*! Bit-brained nerdery on one
 side, effete fin-de-siecle malaise on the other. And kingdoms of hybrid
 delight abandoned in the middle.
 -- Jonathan Burns, [e-mail]
%%
It's the Ugliness Men Mr. Horrible!
%%
It's the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%%
It's [the world's] shape has the rounded appearance of a perfect
sphere.  This is shown first of all by the name of 'orb' which is
bestowed upon it by the general consent of mankind.  ...[O]ur eyesight
also confirms this belief, because the firmament pre
sents the aspect of a concave hemisphere equidistant in every direction,
which would be impossible in the case of any other figure.
 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus, Natural History, 77 A.D.
%%
It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh, I'm tired of
  kicking around the house tonight. Let's go take in a show.'
 -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
It still brings to mind the question of what (if anything) can be done
 to show the media that 'cyberpunks' aren't just a bunch of pimple-faced
 geeks who sit around trying to break into bank computers or whatever.
 -- James Hartman ([e-mail])

But cyberpunks *are* a bunch of pimple-faced geeks who sit around trying to
 break into bank computers or whatever.     Re-read _Neuromancer_ and apply the
 inverse James Bond transformation to Case and his cohorts.  They're all
 supposed to be totally out of shape, with their disdain for the `meat'.
 -- Peter da Silva ([e-mail])
%%
...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
 -- Sidney Hook
%%
It's time for a Baseball Fan strike.
%%
It's Time For NATIONAL REFERENDUMS Instead Of Politicians
%%
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle on the concept of a
                   manned mission to Mars.
%%
It's time for TRILL!  The game show where YOU'RE the host!
%%
It's time once again to "ask Dr. Science"!
 Remember, he knows MORE than you do.
%%
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
%%
It's time to get a new cookie file when you have some kind of deja-vu
when reading this cookie.  Alternatively, get a program with a better
random number generator.
 -- Yoshi
%%
It's time to go on a diet when the man from Prudential offers you group
 insurance. Or when you take a shower and you have to let out the shower
 curtain. Or when you're standing next to your car and get a ticket for
 double parking.
 -- Totie Fields
%%
It's time to shit or get off the fan.
%%
It's time you learned that freedom is never a gift.  It has to be earned.
 -- Kirk, "The Return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
%%
It stinks more every time you run over a skunk.
%%
It's too bad ignorance isn't painful.
%%
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple
 as wild dogs.
 -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
%%
It's too dangerous with all of the @LN@ people around...
%%
It's too formal to ask for the vacuum cleaner.
You say "I'm choking the alligator."
%%
It stopped moving! Cook it!
%%
Its tough to battle the forces of weirdness when you're under 18 and
 your parents can still boss you around
 -- Marshall, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana
%%
It's twelve feet tall with yellow eyes, and it wants to speak to you, SIR.
%%
It's, uh, it's strange. I left Gallifrey for similar reasons.
I'd grown tired of their lifestyle. [ It seems I must mend my ways.]
 -- Doctor, Resurrection of the Daleks
%%
It's Unfair!: Y. Me
%%
It's unfortunate that the process of learning is measured by one's
    performance on stressful exams. Armed with the same amount of knowledge,
    at a different time and different place, you could do very well or do
    very poorly. So, it is important that you do not feel depressed after
    an exam.
 -- Gordon Wong
%%
It's unsettling to discover that we're wrong.
%%
It surely doesn't say too much for society if gambling is the only way to
 raise money for a good cause.
%%
It's very hard for anything to make it out of Hollywood these days without a
 lame-ass wimpout ending tacked on at the whining request of test audiences
 selected from the most puerile of the Nielsen families, who are, as we all
 know, chosen on the basis of the number of cousin-cousin marriages in their
 family over the last ten generations.
 -- Nix Thompson ([e-mail])
%%
It's very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by fear
 of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or sterility,
 or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damage [sic] baby
 even ten years later when she may be happily married.
 -- Phyllis Schlafly
%%
It's [war is] instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought. We're
  human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!
  But we can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers...but we're not
  going to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not
  going to kill today!
 -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
%%
It's what inside you, not the outside that counts.
%%
It's what you can't see that can kill you.
%%
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
 -- Johm Wooden, Basketball coach
%%
It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue.
 -- Eric Pepke
%%
It's who you look like, not who you are.
%%
It 's wiser being good than bad;
  It 's safer being meek than fierce;
It 's fitter being sane than mad.
  My own hope is, a sun will pierce
The thickest cloud earth ever stretched;
  That after Last returns the First,
Though a wide compass round be fetched;
  That what began best can't end worst,
  Nor what God blessed once prove accurst.
 -- Robert Browning (1812-1890)
 -- Apparent Failure, vii
%%
It's wise to know enough to not know too much.
%%
It's wonderful just to be alive.
%%
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
%%
It's wonderful to be here, it's certainly a thrill...
%%
It's Woody Allen's fault, he had said, squeezing his bottle of Rolling Rock
 as if it were a hand grip.    He had to go and ruin romantic love for all the
 rest of us for all time with his goddamn lobsters.
 -- Ann Beattie
%%
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.
%%
It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim!
%%
It's worth scheming to be the bearer of good news.
 -- Fox on Yesmanship
Don't be in the building when bad news arrives.
 -- Corollary
%%
It's wrong to create a whole race of humans to live as slaves.
 -- Number One, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
%%
It's you and me against the world! When do we attack?
%%
It's *your* baby. Don't call me if the fit hits the shan!
%%
It's your life, do what you want.
%%
It's your mind, think what you want.
%%
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
%%
It takes 2.0, baby, it takes 2.0...
%%
It takes 27 seconds to cut through a pizza with an oxyacetylene torch.
%%
It takes 40 dumb animals to make a fur coat, but only one to wear it.
 -- Greenpeace
%%
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one
to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
 -- Jim Fiebig
%%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
 -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
%%
It takes about 10 years to get used to how old you are.
 -- Raymond A. Michel
%%
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
 Especially in a paternity hearing.
%%
It takes a great man to be a good listener.
 -- Arthur Helps
%%
It takes a heap of liver to make a dog a home.
 -- Fibber McGee (Jim Jordan)
%%
It takes all kinds of people to make a world, but did
you ever think the percentages were wrong?
%%
It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted
to my kind of fooling.
 -- Robert Frost
%%
It takes a long time to bring excellence to maturity.
 -- Publius Syrus (42 BC)
 -- Maxim 780
%%
It takes a long time to grow on an old friend.
 -- John Leonard
%%
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
 -- Edward Dahlberg
%%
It takes a long word to retard spoilage.
%%
It takes a lot to buzz a pro.
 -- Charles Bukowski
%%
It takes a magician to get a rabbit out of a hat; but any fool can
let the cat out of a bag.
%%
It takes a mighty good man to be better than none at all.
%%
It takes a modem to run a baudy house.
%%
It takes a Real Man to sit indoors all day doing this.
%%
It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid.
 -- Barney Rubble
%%
It takes a smart person to know that the person is stupid.
%%
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
%%
It takes a strong person to swim against the current. Any dead fish can
 float with it.
%%
It takes a sweet little bullet from a pretty blue gun to put those scarlet
 ribbons in your hair.
 -- Tom Waits,Blue Valentine
%%
It takes a very long time to become young.
 -- Pablo Picasso
%%
It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
%%
It takes a wise man to discover a wise man.
 -- Diogenes Laertius (c. 200 AD)
 -- Xenophanes, iii
%%
It takes a wise man to handle a lie; a fool had better remain honest.
 -- Norman Douglas
%%
It takes a wise man to recognize a wise man.
 -- Xenophanes
%%
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
%%
It takes both rain and sunshine to make a Rainbow.
%%
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.
%%
It takes courage to innovate, not imitate.
%%
It takes everyone to make a happy day.
 -- Marcy Kay Rumsfeld
%%
It takes less time to do a thing right than explain why you did it wrong.
 -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
exactly.
 -- Steven Wright
%%
It takes money to waste money
 -- Jon Benton
%%
It takes more brains and effort to make out your income tax forms correctly
 than it does to make the income you are reporting.
%%
It takes scratch to go to a dermatologist.
%%
It takes someone with the intelligence of a vending machine to argue with one.
%%
It takes some work to lose weight, or to use the power of positive shrinking.
%%
It takes steam work as well as team work to win.
%%
It TAKES that many IBMs to match the productivity of 5 million Amigas.
%%
 It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good
 food into shit. It only takes Denny's 10 minutes.
 -- In the men's room at a Denny's restaurant
%%
It takes two fingers to lift a pebble.
 -- Phil Jackson, Zen Master Head
Coach of the Chicago Bulls on the necessity of teamwork.
%%
It takes two to make a bargain.
%%
It takes two to make a marriage: a girl and her mother.
%%
It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak
and the other to hear.
 -- Henry David Thoreau
%%
It takes vision and courage to create--it takes faith and courage to prove.
 -- Owen D. Young
%%
It tasted so good the first time, I brought it back up for an encore.
%%
It ["The Ancient Mariner"] is marvellous in its mastery over that
delightfully fortuitous inconsequence that is the adamantine logic
of dreamland.
 -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
 -- Coleridge
%%
It [the Bible] is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and
some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good
morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
 -- Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
 -- Letters from the Earth (1905-1909)
%%
It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
 -- Kenneth E. Iverson commenting on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
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"It took a hell of a man to take my Ann,
but it sure didn't take him long"
 -- Stupid country song titles #1
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It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but
 I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
 -- Robert Benchley
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It took me years to write, won't you take a look?
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It took my cat a month to fully train me.
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It took no computation to dance to the rock 'n roll station.
 -- Velvet Underground
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It took so long but I found out, what it means to be down and out.
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It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt
get used to the front seat!
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It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
 of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
 probably not someone here on campus.
 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in The Technique,
        Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet
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It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a facade of
order -- and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order.
 -- Douglas Hostadter
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I tucked my heart away, I didn't need it, I didn't want it. At the
  negotiating table...it can be fatal to have a heart. But I